#if you couldn't tell i'm insane about them.

[carmesi-butterfly]

childhood nostalgia with enhypen. part 1

this turned out super shitty im sorry t__t it's prolly my first time writing since march lolzies despite everything i hope you like it!!

enhypen's heeseung! jungwon! sunoo! sunghoon! + gn! reader. word count 798. warnings none. not proofread.

heeseung: searching "aliens caught on camera" on youtube.

“are you being serious? this is obviously fake!” your words were accompanied by a small giggle, “why do all these videos are recorded with shitty cameras? i can't even identify what's going on”

“what do you mean by fake?!” his indignation was more than clear, “look at how the flying saucer approaches the person; it's pretty visible” the video played on repeat a few times, pointing at this apparent ‘ovni.’

“where did you find this video? it has only 200 views, don't tell me you've been scrolling through youtube for so long that you started to find videos that only you and the person who posted it saw”

“that doesn't matter; see this one,” he said while clicking on another video, changing it to another with better quality and more illumination. “there! look at it! it's right there, imagine you're just walking by a lonely road trying to go home and an ovni starts following you”

if it was anyone else saying something like this to you you would've just laughed, but knowing your boyfriend and his beliefs, this was really serious, his big deer eyes looking at you in search of an opinion on the matter while putting the most unhinged and undiscovered alien videos of the internet.

jungwon: playing love testers.

It was your idea at first, while recalling your times as a kid with free and unlimited access to the internet the memory of you using those famous pages for kids that “calculated” your affinity with your crush by just putting their name or zodiac sign popped on your mind like a popcorn, you had to find those webs and use them with your boyfriend, it was a life or death matter!

“seventy percent?! this is not accurate, it should say one hundred…” you said in distress as if this ‘love calculating’ page would define the future of your relationship.

“I will try using our full names,” suggested Jungwon, who in the beginning was kind of reluctant about this, maybe because he wasn't interested or found it boring, but in the end, it was just a silly activity he could do with his partner. What he didn't count on was that it would become his mission to reach the hundred percent in every net he could find, reaching to the point of finding the webs you frequented as a kid to do the same. “yoi! I told you, a hundred percent! Now our names and zodiac signs are compatible.” The enormous amount of pride his expression demonstrated couldn't be described by words.

sunoo: learning vocaloid’s mirror dances.

a mirrored dance tutorial of ‘romeo and cinderella’ by hatsune miku sounded on repeat in one of the practice rooms of hybe’s building; the chorus could be heard on repeat, accompanied by your clumsy movements and the frustrated noises you would make every time you got something wrong, luckily, when you were about to reach the last level of insanity and give up on learning the choreography, your boyfriend came to your rescue! and with a lot of groceries from the convenience store.

“sunoo! how am i supposed to do this step? i'm trying but i can't get it right…” your defeated look was funny to see by your partner; doing this was his idea as a ‘fun activity’ to do and bond, but your poor ability to dance was making it difficult for you. fortunately, you have an amazing boyfriend and dance partner who will help you with everything you need!

“ooh, which part? i will help you”

the young couple stood bending in front of the ipad watching what parts were more difficult for you, and after rewatching it a few times to get the movements right sunoo proceeded to teach you everything step by step, he was patient with you because of your inexperience on the topic but couldn't stop himself from teasing you a few times if your motions were awkward.

sunghoon: playing dance dance revolution.

the levels of frustration and humiliation both of you felt couldn't even be described in words, seeing a kid that couldn't reach the ten-year-old mark publicly beating your asses in this dancing machine felt embarrassing.

“you are an idol, where are your dancing abilities?!” you muttered to your partner, who was more than immersed in the child’s dancing.

“the company should recruit him” was the only thing his mouth dropped.

“i can't believe it,” your sigh took sunghoon out of his trance. it was kind of fun seeing the pout that decorated your face, expressing your emotions through it.

“let's try again, but i don't think you will be capable of following my pace” such a cocky comment could only leave your partner’s lips, especially now with his ‘arrogant’ mood.

[fritzes]

the qinwen/emma lore

yeah it goes a lot deeper than the drama this year, and if I have to be insane about it then I'm gonna share it with everyone:

so, this is their full h2h, including juniors:

as you can see, emma only won once, and it was their last ever juniors match at the 2019 junior french open

emma went on to lose the final to leylah pretty badly. from the scoreline of the qinwen/emma match, it was pretty hard fought. now, this is what emma had to say about it (in this interview from 2021):

I repeat, the BEST MOMENT IN HER TENNIS CAREER was beating zheng qinwen. she had made two junior slam semis, played on the main tour, and gone to college for tennis, but this, right along with winning a junior slam in doubles, apparently takes the cake. and yeah, it was 6-4 in the third set. this is fascinating

fast forward to palermo 2023, they played in the quarterfinals and qinwen won and went on to win her first title. I have literally scoured the entire tennis channel and the internet but I can only find like one minute of highlights and nothing from the handshake so I honestly couldn't tell you how that match was. sigh

and then of course came the olympics aka emma's completely unprompted public renouncing (for lack of a better word) of qinwen. and then she doubled down on it at the us open. now, I don't know about you guys but the lack of specificity was giving me major petty exes vibes

and then at the us open they were both having great runs but lost to aryna. and they competed for that final spot at the wta finals (but really both of them should have been there anyways). they are just so fascinating to me and I'm excited to see where this rivalry goes 👀

[foodtruckery]

Hi there! Im a bit new to ur blog but i just wanted to pop in to tell you how much i adore Combat Baby! Im actually super insane about it!! Idk why but the whole coat bits were just phenomenal and live in my brain forever now? Im already a sucker for older ford and mullet stan but oh boy now i cant stop picturing every version of stan stealing his brother's coat...for regular reasons and maybe also spicy reasons 👀 like a consensus i see is ford being a clothing sniffer but stan could also have a coat to sniff...as a treat...anyway sorry for rambling a bit here!! but please keep up the excellent work!

hello there, anon!! hey, if it makes you feel any better, i am also new to this blog so no worries there at all lol. ahh but thank you so much, it's so kind of you to come over here to say that!!

and okay hahaha let me ramble a little bit about the damn coat! cause i hadn't actually planned for like. ANY OF THAT to happen, so i am just thrilled to hear you enjoyed that random ass bit that ended up running away from me! cause like here's the thing. my main goal was just to get a few of ford's fucking layers off for the sake of the scene (fun fact: this whole scene originally started in a different room entirely and i said fuck that and moved them to the kitchen).

but then i figured the coat gave stan something to kinda consider while ford is faffing about, gave me a point to work on to keep driving at that "similar but different" narrative i was trying to lean into. but like....then the coat is there y'know?? i hadn't even included him asking for the thing in my first pass of that scene. but then it kinda felt like chekov's coat at that point and i couldn't not bring it back in.

but yes, i'm absolutely with you. i really do love the idea of stan like. taking comfort in being surrounded by something that smells like ford. especially if we're talking mullet stan and older ford here. and uhhhh. i had other like stuff i was gonna say, i think, but i kinda got carried away so.

hey! welcome to the blog! have a vaguely, hand wavey post-combat baby tidbit of stan jerking off in ford's coat:

This was stupid. Painfully, humiliatingly stupid. And if he got caught, Stan was pretty sure he'd just voluntarily disappear for another ten years rather than reckon with that particular flavor of mortification. 

Fuck, what did it say about him that the thought of Ford walking in and catching him beating off in nothing but his brother's stupid coat just made his dick twitch harder in his palm? 

Stan bit down on his lower lip and cast a furtive glance towards the door, but he didn't slow his fist any. He couldn't hear any movement outside the room, which suggested that Ford was still down in the basement or fucking around in the woods — he couldn't actually remember which one at the moment. He just knew that Ford had gone and occupied himself somewhere else and left his coat laying around, easy pickings. He hadn't even thought it through before he grabbed the thing and made himself scarce with it.

Vaguely, Stan reasoned that if Ford hadn't taken his coat, he probably wasn't wandering around outside in the fucking snow. But that meant he was probably somewhere inside still, and that really shouldn't make him as hot as it did. 

“Fucking hell,” he panted, fumbling with his free hand to tug the collar of the coat up to his nose. He breathed in the familiar-but-not smell of Ford and the memory of making embarrassing noises into the same material while he was railed on the kitchen table. 

Shuddering, Stan rolled his palm over the head of his dick and smeared precome down the shaft, muffling a moan in the jacket collar. It was heavy, a noticeable enough weight shifting against his bare skin that if he closed his eyes and tried hard enough, he could almost imagine Ford kneeling behind him, pressed against his back and draping his arms over his shoulders. It would put his mouth right against that spot behind Stan's ear that had never fully shaken the phantom feeling of Ford's lips moving there. 

But what the fuck would he even say? Would he be pissed at Stan for taking his coat? Probably. Sneer that he shouldn't be surprised that a whore who can't keep his own clothes on would feel entitled to stealing his. He'd loom against his back and watch Stan fuck his own fist right up until he was twitching, nearly there, and then Ford would grab his wrist and tell him to stop because he didn't deserve to come. 

Stan tucked his chin to press closer to the material he was holding to his face and rocked his hips, as much to follow the steady pumping of his fist as to feel the coat shift against his thighs and around where his knees were pressed to the floor. Because he hadn't even managed to make it to the fucking bed once he'd gotten into the room. He'd just stripped in a hurry, leaving his own clothes thrown haphazardly to the side, and yanked on Ford's stupid space coat. 

If he were going for realistic, if Ford wandered upstairs and threw open the bedroom door and found Stan jerking off in the middle of the room, he probably wouldn't do anything at all. He'd get that brief, surprised little look on his face, eyebrows raising over the rim of his glasses and maybe, maybe part his lips just a little bit. 

And then, while Stan was stammering and trying to come up with an excuse or an apology or literally anything worth saying to make this look less like what it was, Ford would reset his expression and cross his arms and say something short like, “Well? Get on with it, then.” He would stand in the doorway, maybe lean there a bit, comfortable as you please, and watch Stan frantically try to finish the job like he was simply overseeing one of his less interesting experiments. 

Stan huffed against the coat and swallowed down a moan as he rubbed against the sensitive spot under the head of his dick. He was so close. And he needed to hurry the fuck up if he didn't actually want Ford to walk in on him. Cause that was all well and good while he was hot and shivering and chasing down an orgasm, but he would probably actually die if he got caught. Or maybe Ford would do him a favor and just kill him on the spot for it? 

Nosing the fold of the coat collar, Stan heard a quiet click in the room before the heater kicked on, thrumming away to keep the stupid cabin at a reasonable temperature for the middle of winter. Because the heat had been turned off, like Ford had suspected, and they'd managed for a few days with Stan chopping wood and putting the shack's little fireplace to use. But that was a miserable chore, and eventually Stan figured, fuck it, and gave the gas company a call. 

Turned out, telling the right sob story with an appropriately pathetic voice could get you an extension and get the heat back on until your genius brother figured out his nerd ass replacement for powering the shack. Stan didn't know what he meant by that, and he hadn't asked, because as long as they had some way of heating the place up, he was happy. 

But he did distinctly remember telling Ford he had gotten the gas turned back on for another couple weeks. The way he made that brief, surprised face and then, for a moment, nothing else at all. Long enough that Stan had rolled his eyes and turned to head back out of the room, because really, what the hell had he expected here? But then Ford had finally cleared his throat and said, awkward, like he'd only just realized he should, “Thank you, Stanley. Good work.” 

Stan shoved a mouthful of Ford's coat between his teeth and bucked jerkily when he came all over his fist, skin tingling and Ford's voice rolling around between his ears. 

“J-Jesus Christ, Stanley,” he panted to himself once he'd stopped whining and could spit out the edge of the coat — didn't taste nearly as good as it smelled. And, he realized with a groan, he'd managed to get jizz all over the sleeve. Fantastic. 

Once he caught his breath, he would get dressed, wipe the coat off as best he could, and put it back. Then he would pray to god that Ford didn't notice anything, wouldn’t see the splotchy attempts at cleaning it or smell Stan on it. And he would never touch the damn thing again. Really.

[beef-brisket]

Emily: We'll burn it down! Burn that motherfucker-! Send him back to fucking Hell! And get my brother back!

Lute quickly followed Emily as she stormed off. Lute has always considered herself a goth and a user of the dark arts and witchcraft. Sure, it wasn't the same as Lucifer, but she has a lot of knowledge about the subject.

Lute: Emily! Stop! The only way to kill a witch is by burning-!

Emily: Didn't you hear me?! That's what I'm doing!

Lucifer: You want to burn his house down- not HIM. And you'll just put Adam in danger- who knows, he could be tied up or something! We have to burn Lucifer! Find his bones and burn them!

Emily stopped and looked at her.

Emily: What? His bones?

Lute: Exactly. We find his grave, find his bones, and burn them. That'll get rid of whatever spell is keeping his house locked, and then we'll be able to get Adam!

Emily: Okay- okay... that's a plan... where the fuck are his bones...?

Lute: There's a crypt in the cemetery, far away from the towns graves. There, him and his daughter are buried.

Emily: The crypt... the Magne crypt! Of course! What about the key?

Lute: ...The mayor would have it! In their office, they have a historical key cupboard for all the old building and houses here.

Emily: Then let's go!

Lute and Emily run off to the mayor's office. They'll have to break in, but Lute and the Kadmon siblings are known for trouble. And breaking and entering aren't high on Emily's list of worries.

Lucifer: Eat up! You must be hungry~.

Adam glared down at the plate of... whatever the fuck that is. He's finally more aware. Whatever weird fog that clouds his mind is gone.

Adam: I'm not fuckimg that.

Lucifer: If you want our baby to grow nice and strong, you will eat, love.

Lucifer sat across from Adam, leaning his head on his hand. Adam glares at him, the man's looking at him either with love or amusement. Adam can't tell. But at the mention of a baby, he growls.

Adam: I'm a fucking man! I'm not fuckimg pregnant! And get this shit out of my fucking face!

Lucifer laughs: Our child grows fast, so you have to eat whatever I give you. Don't make me force you to eat, my darling wife~.

Adam: Are you fucking insane or just deaf!? I'm not your wife! I'm not a fucking chick! And I'm not having your fucking baby-!

Adam jumped as he felt something move inside him. It almost hurt, like for a split second something was clawing at his insides.

Adam: T-The f-fuck- was t-that-?

Lucifer: My sweet, little Charlotte, she'll be here soon. She's hungry, Adam. Eat. Now.

Adam looks front his stomach to the man. Lucifer smiled at how terrified he looked. Maybe now he'll eat.

Instead, Lucifer glares as he starts panicking, tearing at his clothing as Charlotte moves around more violently, like she's sensing Adam's distress.

Lucifer quickly reaches over as Adam is about to plunge his butter knife into his stomach.

Lucifer: I don't like forcing my will, Adam. But if you dare hurt her, I will enforce a punishment that will make you wish you were dead. Now. EAT.

Adam was shaking as he began to eat whatever was on his plate. It tasted burnt and bitter. He couldn't control his body as he ate until the plate was empty. He cried as he felt "Charlotte" inside him, moving and kicking.

Lucifer: Good boy~.

I know that Halloween is over but I still gotta talk about this Hocus Pocus au I thought up

(Human) Adam just moved to Salem, the witch capital of the U.S and the whole town is telling ghost stories of Lucifer Morningstar, the famous male witch who swore he’d be back to take revenge on the townspeople before he was hung by the neck until dead.

Adam thinks this is a crock of shit, so he and his new friend Lute and his sister Emily sneak into Lucifer’s house (which has since been turned into a small museum) legend tells that Lucifer can only return if a virgin lights the black flame candle and Adam is being less than honest about his sexual exploits to his new friend.

As a joke to freak them both out he lights the candle. Unfortunately for him, it works and the witch appears in a violent gust of wind

That’s all I got but I just like the idea of Adam trying to escape from witch Lucifer

MY DUDE I LOVE THIS!!! @fanofstuff01 @beef-brisket

And I'm going to have him and Lute be like freshmen in college so Adams like 19-20 and Emily is like say a senior in high school her and Adam are a year apart.

And yes they had Emily out trick or treating because she's short en to get away with it and said "teenagers are allowed candy too".

-

Lute: Adam come on this isn't funny, the curse is real.

Adam: It's not real because witches and magic aren't real. The trails were just so they could hang a bunch of people who didn't agree with their beliefs.

They looked around the museum house and at night it's creepy especially being in the woods. Emily turned on a light so they could see.

Emily: Can we go?

Adam: No look at all this cool stuff! And that book? Says it's bound in real human flesh...... Gross.

Lute watched as Adam went over to the black candle.

Lute: Don't light that! If a virgin lights the candle it's said that Lucifer Morningstar will come back from the dead.

Adam burst out laughing: Good thing I'm not a virgin then.

Emily raised a brow: You only dated Eve for like a week.

Adam: You can have sex in a week!

The truth was they only made out a little bit and then her folks didn't want her having a boyfriend until after she graduated from high school.

So yes, Adam is a virgin. But his fucking sister doesn't need to know that!

He pulled out his lighter and smirked, curses and magic what a load of shit.

Lute: Adam no!

Adam lit the candle: See, nothing to-.....

The house started to violently shake, the floorboards glowed underneath and a laughter could be heard.

Lute: The fuck!?

Emily glared at Adam: A virgin lit the candle.

Adam: W-what!? It's okay! I'll just blow it out!

He blew out the candle but the flame came back.

Lute and Emily's eyes went wide when they saw a man that matches Lucifer's picture come out from the back room.

Lucifer: And who do I owe the pleasure to? Hmm? Oh, you.~

Adam turned around and jumped, what the fuck!?

Lute: We should go.

Adam: Good idea.

They all turn to run out the door, Emily and Lute make it out but the door slams in Adams face locking him in.

Adam: Fuck!

Emily bangs on the door: Adam!!

Adam tried pulling on the door but it was no use. Chills crept up his spine when a low laugh echoed in the room. He turned to see Lucifer standing there with his book now in hand.

Lucifer: Oh, you weren't leaving already were you?~

[whiskeyswifty]

.

[runningmanfeels]

yall can say whatever you want but the greatest comfort of my life these past few years has been watching Jihyo love be loved by Somin.

The kind of comfortable, happy and lively she is with Somin is so unlike how she is with anyone else. 🥺

I waited years, years watching Jihyo be alone on RM-- loved and adored, yes, but always alone. She never let down her walls until Somin showed up outside them (probably banging and yelling too lol)

You can tell, you can tell! Just by the way they sit together, look for each other, hold each other how much these girls love each other.

Yeah I'll campaign for an SBS Best Couple award for them until the day I die, but I'm also content just knowing that Jihyo is loved and she loves Somin.

anyways MONGDOL SUPREMACY

[mad-hunts]

[randomshyperson]

#nopressuretag

84 years ago you said something about writing fuckboy!wanda, but I couldn't find any fic with that Did you give up on writing 'cause I was totally excited for that

I did not give up - is the expected dynamic for a future fic from the Skam collection buut even though I wrote a some words I kinda lost inspiration for that one. I think the fuckboy trope is a bit triggering for me personally and it just made me kinda of uncomfortable to write Wanda doing some of the things that were necessary for that fic plot. But who knows, maybe I just need to rewatch Skam or rewrite the dynamic a bit.

[monty-glasses-roxy]

Jurassic Bark ship really do be three animatronics just going absolutely insane but in different ways over two other people.

Roxy? Psh. She's not in love with Chica! Don't be ridiculous!! What she's feeling? Nah, that's not romantic. It can't be! This is just how they've always been!!! Right??? Chica's super affectionate with her!! She's just... returning the favour every now and then!! There's nothing wrong with that okay?? There's absolutely nothing else going on there!! And her and Monty?? HAH YEAH RIGHT!! She'd rather beat him into the ground than snuggle with him on the couch!! They're rivals!! They're competitors!!! It's fun competing with him and she wouldn't ever want to risk losing to anyone else!!! She'd rather be with anyone but him!! He's the only one that can match her in competition and he's always honored when she stopped it when she thought it was unfair!! He'd never cheat to beat her he's better than that!! He respects her too much and that's FINE!!! And she's TOTALLY okay with it being like this she doesn't WANT to feels his claws in her hair or to give him little bites on his arm to tell him she cares or to laugh with him until the sunrises!! She would never want that!! ......Wait no oh god oh no this can't be happening why'd it have to be BOTH of them holy fuck one was bad enough fuck shit fuck fuck fuck fuck noooooooo-

Monty and Roxy? Don't be stupid. He could NEVER be with her!! Sure, she's the only one that match him in almost any game they play but he'd rather kick her ass at the next fight night!! He doesn't wanna be all cutesy with her!! They're FIGHTERS and he's NOT INTERESTED and she's NOT FUNNY even a LITTLE BIT and they DON'T make each other SMILE don't be fucking stupid!!! He has NOT fallen for her!!! He's not being affectionate with her at all!!! He's just... making sure she knows he's got her back!!! Rivals do that ya know!! What?? NO her tail wags AREN'T cute shut the FUCK up!!! FINE OKAY THEY'RE KINDA SORTA FRIENDS NOW BUT THAT'S IT OKAY?? FUCK OFF!!! And Chica? Well Chica's one of his best friends!!! That's all he's feeling, right?? They're just super close!!! They're... like Roxy and DJ or something and it doesn't feel wrong to say that no no no absolutely not!!! He doesn't love her little chirps or think her singing little rhymes to herself as she does her own thing is cute!! He likes COOL things okay??? It MIGHT be cool that she jumps down from the ceiling to scare the staff and it MIGHT be cool that she can play the electric guitar so well and it MIGHT be cool to hang out with her sometimes but THATS IT!!! No he does NOT find all of that cute as well!!! NO NO NO NO HE'S COOL AND AWESOME AND HE'S NOT FALLING IN LOVE WITH HIS TWO BESTIES GOD DAMN IT NO NO NO FUCKING NOOOOOOOO DON'T DO THIS TO HIIIIMMMMM-

Chica? Crushing. She's crushing so hard. On two people? Yes on two people. Confusing but whatever she's over it. She's crossed that bridge already. Roxy is so cute and pretty and cool and Monty is so handsome and cute and cool... and they're both just so nice to her!! They make her laugh, she makes them laugh and oh they can smile and light up the whole world in her eyes!! And they've really come out of their shells with her!! They're so much more affectionate and they're just so cute and she loves them both so so so much!!! But... they're getting awful close to each other... no... they're not a thing! She would know if they were a thing!! They're terrible at hiding things!! They'd be way more obvious!!! And they're acting super nice to her too and well. They're CERTAINLY not a thing!! What do you mean they're acting super affectionate with her too?? No no no... that's just... how they always are!! Or is it?? But what if it is??? What if they're falling for each other and they've got no room for her anymore?? Oh but the three of them are always together so what if they do have room for her??? That was a platonic hug they just gave her right??? They're getting really big on those compliments too!! Ohhh she's not gonna explode she's fine okay it's fine they're not falling for her hahahaa she's just being silly!!! Crushes always pass right?? She'l be over it soon!! It's fine its fine its fine there's a logical explanation for ALL of this she swears she's fine she's not going to combust into flames cause Roxy made her a little sculpture out of scrap metal OR because Monty gave her a side hug and said she looked cute with his glasses on!! No no no she's soooooooooooo fine!!! What are you talking about she's SO fine she swears-

[luvsavos]

so not only does genki canonly exist in the reboot but it seems strongly implied that he and doc ketchum worked together at some point??? i do not like that concept At All!

[franeridan]

watch this jjk chapter make me go completely insane about goge all over again

[sherlock-is-ace]

.

[rownmurdock]

i'm so normal about them

found the script for x-men days of future past and wow i can't believe they came up with this stuff but we didn't get it bcz they wanted to nerf cherik shippers

"always the source of his hope, comfort" it has been literal decades and despite all their shared conflict erik has never stopped seeing charles as a symbol of hope. and charles believing their friendship will last no matter what changes logan brings. guys i can't believe they wrote this out and we didn't get it. i'm dumbfounded

[shiroselia]

Nothing has made me reevaluate my view on "healthy" eating habits like being one of the most food sensitive autists I know with a wide fucking margin (to the point where it's the entire reason I even got evaluated) and also having Insanely unpredictable low blood pressure fainting issues that will and Do take any opportunity to fuck me over

Especially now that I've finally found some breakfast I enjoy eating because I am Not good friends with a lot of breakfast and as soon as my autism has decided that I'm not enjoying eating what I'm eating I Cannot eat more. Which is Bad because it causes me to undereat like hell and get at risk of fainting. But now I've found something I can eat and Do like and it's checks notes one of those brand of cereal that parents all over the world cry wolf over because "It's just candy and they're UNHEALTHY"

Well Idonno bro but I think it's more healthy for me to actually eat enough food for breakfast than it is to not eat anything and get at risk of fainting (and let's not forget how fucking Bad it is to not eat anything like actually eating will ALWAYS be healthier for you than Not Eating) than it is to buy a "healthy" brand of cereal I literally can't swallow because my autism has beef with it

Not to mention how much money and food it wastes

[inbabylontheywept]

The Motherfucking Lizard King

No one at work trusts my boss. 

He's smart. He works hard. He's not trustworthy. He hasn't actually fucked anyone at work over, but he's ruined his last two marriages with affairs, and got dumped by his third fiance when he wouldn't sign a prenup. The fact that we all know this is just a hazard of working in a small town. 

Anyway: The thought process of the people in the lab is that if he screwed over his first wife, and his second wife, and was probably planning on screwing over his third wife, it would be insane for him not to screw us over. After all, what kind of idiot treats their employees better than their spouse? 

I dunno. His kind, I guess? He's had a few chances to fuck us over, and he hasn't taken them. Opposite really. When our parent company was doing furloughs, he stayed in the office almost a hundred hours, talking and talking and talking his way up the corporate ladder. And in the end, no one at our site got furloughed. 

He's pulled strings like that before. And it baffles me, right? Because it really does make zero sense. He'll move the heavens and the earth for us, but his wife and kids are afterthoughts. It feels like any moment, he's going to look into the mirror and realize how stupid that is. It feels like I'm betting on him making the same stupid mistake again, and again, and again - like it would be less cynical to believe he was, eventually, going to stab me in the back. But he hasn't yet, and as far as I can tell he's been making that mistake for close to fifteen years, and it's already cost him everything it can. If he was going to learn, he would have by now. 

So my position on him is that if he wanted to date someone I cared about, I'd warn them off. I don't trust him there. But I tentatively trust him to be my boss. Maybe one day he'll stick the knife in and twist, and everyone will say Ah, Babs, we warned you, but for now, I accept that he's doing a very predictable, very irrational thing, and I've made my peace with it. 

---

My job has glue traps. 

No one likes the glue traps, but we don't have a lot of options. Poison's banned by state law, spring traps are banned by company safety, and several non-lethal options tried in the past failed to work. The mouse problem can get pretty bad if it's ignored, and there's some real health hazards in that. Our site has never had a positive hantavirus test, thank God, but the big base about a half hour away has. That guy's gonna be on oxygen the rest of his life. 

If a mouse gets caught, we just euthanize it. But more than mice get stuck. Lizards can wander into those traps too, and the people working there have different feelings about the lizards. They don't pose nearly the same kind of risk mice do. They're chill little guys, and they keep the moths away, and they're just 

You know. They're friendly. There's something to be said about walking into a room, and hitting the light switch, and seeing two little guys on the wall start to do pushups as soon as they see you. 

People used to just euthanize the lizards too, but I had pet leopard geckos as a kid and I couldn't take that so I wound up googling how to free animals from glue traps. Now, when a lizard gets stuck in a trap - which happens once or twice a week - I get some vegetable oil from the breakroom, and a little plastic fork, and I'll spend fifteen to twenty minutes just kind of gently prying the little guys out. 

I have a team of technicians that help me operate one of the larger machines. They're real blue collar guys, ex-airforce, and they make me look like a little kid. Being an engineer means they'll look to me as a leader sometimes, which is a wild experience. And I started helping the lizards for my own conscience, but one of the crazier consequences of it has been that it seriously boosted my leadership cred. Because those guys see me, and they go: Hey. If he's willing to fight for a lizard, he's gotta be willing to fight for me. 

I cannot overstate how nice that is. Most engineers that want to make a change to a maintenance practice, or try an upgrade, they have to work their asses off to get the techs to buy in. But I can just ask. They already trust me to do good. They know I'm new, and they know I'm not the smartest engineer in the building, but they also know I'm the one who gets lizards out of the glue traps. 

And just because of that, they're willing to follow me. 

---

My boss has a meeting every month or two. It's typically basic house cleaning stuff - reminders about routines we've gotten lazy on, and updates on future projects. Maybe some warnings about problems coming from higher up in the company.

People are, in my opinion, a bit too cynical about the meetings. It stems from people not trusting our boss, which again, I understand, because it would make so much more sense if he wasn't trustworthy. It's a testament to the man's incredibly unhealthy priorities that he is. But as we made it to the end of the meeting, one of bullet points was: 

Do NOT mess with animals in the building. 

So I looked at my techs, and they looked at me, and when he got to the point, he was so scathing I actually just wanted to crawl under a rock and die. He said basically that he'd heard some reports about someone in the building handling animals that found their way in and got stuck, and that he just wanted to emphasize how insanely inappropriate that was, not to mention dangerous, and that if he needed to speak to anyone about it again, there would be severe consequences. 

I was willing to just take the shame and move on. I was. But one of my techs is old. Old enough he could've retired two years ago. And his actual literal goal is to one day get angry, yell at someone, and storm out. That's how he wants to retire. So instead of biting his tongue like everyone else, he stood up and said: I hate the glue traps. You hate the glue traps. We all hate glue traps. But we've all sat here for years, ignoring the little things that get stuck in them, watching them die, and then Bab's comes in, and he is the first person in decades to give enough of a shit to start pulling the lizards out. And I don't want him to stop. 

Get humane traps or shut up but we are not going back to the old way of just letting things starve. 

And my boss actually froze up. He got all wide eyed and stared at Marc, and then the other techs jumped in, and there was a very small but intense rebellion in the meeting and my boss kept trying to interrupt while getting absolutely bowled over by this gang of angry middle aged air force vets, and eventually he just went 

I will speak with Babylon about this afterwards! After! And then he will speak with everyone else, but I have more points to cover. 

So they went silent, and my boss rushed through the last five minutes, and we all adjounred. The techs really didn't like that I was going in alone - they thought our boss was going to try and shout me into compliance. Marc in particular was like, Look, if he tries bullying you, stand your ground, and if he threatens anything, just come get us, and we'll give him hell. 

So armed with that, I went to my boss's office. I sat in the chair across from him, and he kept his composure for maybe five seconds before just flopping back into his chair. 

I had no idea you were saving lizards, he said, but I'm glad you are. I always hated seeing them die in the glue.  

I wasn't expecting that. I was about to ask him what the comment from the meeting was about then, but he answered that before I even got the chance.

A snake got into the building last week, and - someone picked it up and chased a coworker around. Turns out that coworker was severely afraid of snakes, and now it's a shitshow. We're a small site, and now I can't ask those two to work together anymore, to say nothing about how the snake fared after all that. Being upset about that is a reasonable thing, right? 

And he gave me a look like he actually wanted an answer, so I said Yeah, totally, chasing a coworker around with a snake is a dick move. Especially if that coworker is already afraid of snakes. 

And he said Exactly! and then we sat there a few moments longer. He looked so incredibly tired that I did, actually, feel kind of bad for him. And then he somehow managed to sink even further into his chair, and said

Look, I know I'm not a good guy. But I'm not evil. I'm not some sort of crazy asshole that's going to demand that everyone watch lizards starve to death. When you go back downstairs, could you try to pass that on? That I'm not evil? 

I said Sure because it wasn't a hard request, and he looked relieved. I actually made it halfway out before I realized I had a question. 

Who grabbed the snake? I asked. 

Not supposed to talk about it, he said. But whoever comes to mind first is probably right. 

ThatGuy? I asked. And he looked me in the face, nodded his head yes, and said No. 

---

The techs seemed a little disappointed that they didn't get to storm the boss's office, but were otherwise in good spirits. They were actually a little bit embarrassed to hear about the snake story - apparently, it wasn't much of a secret. It'd just slipped their minds because it happened three weeks ago. 

We did maintenance after that, the same basic repairs we did every week. The meeting had been stressful and it was a relief to work with my hands. When the parts were reinstalled, everything cleaned and smooth and ready to go, Marc found me again. 

You know what the lesson of today is? he asked. And there were quite a few answers to that that I could have taken - from don't assume the worst of people to be careful with how you spend your trust - we all need it more than we think. 

But instead I said what? because I wanted to hear what his answer was going to be. 

That I got your back, he said. Then he clapped one very, very large hand on my shoulder, gave it a good squeeze, and walked back to dosimetry lab.

---

The next day, Marc gave me a package and told me to open it in my office. I was suspicious, but I followed the request.

Cardboard gave way to a small baggie, obviously full of fabric, which opened to reveal a t-shirt that read

"I Am the Motherfucking Lizard King."

I looked at it, I loved it, and then I got an idea. I went to my boss's office and knocked on the door. When he opened it, I asked him if he would be willing to allow something very unprofessional to happen for morale building purposes.

How unprofessional? he asked. I held the shirt up in answer. He gave the shirt a short look over and snorted.

You can wear it on weeks without customers, he said. Which just so happened to include that week.

I'll pass on that it came with your blessing, I replied, and he looked oddly relieved.

Thanks, he said. And then I went downstairs.

---

The techs were very, very happy to see the shirt. And while my boss's reputation remains in tatters, and probably will be until he moves (or dies), the next time there was a meeting, there was quite a bit less complaining about how mere presence. Which is, I guess, a start.

We'll see if he squanders it.

[crossbackpoke-check]

Fixed point (mathematics) // The History of Perspective // "Point of Disappearance", Dennis Held // How the Hughes hockey family stays grounded // Fixed Point Photography-- // "Portrait of A.", Tung-Hui Hu // Mic'd Up | Hughes NHL 25 cover shoot // "Burnt Norton", T.S. Eliot // "Circuitry", Janine Joseph // Bruce Bennett // Nick Wass // from obedience [maybe one day, during a point in time], kari edwards // Bill Rapai // "Errand Upon Which We Came", Stephanie Strickland // Benchmark (surveying)

art kid luke hughes