#if we're talking about fast food deserts here

[lesbianherald]

Good afternoon we fucking it up out here with a sonic blast

hell fucking yeah my friend i've literally never had one you're inspiring me. i hope you enjoyed

[galaxyedging]

Ted Garcia x f!reader

WC: just shy of 4k

Warnings: smut, violence, horror elements, mentions of killing children.

Summery: Ted saves you when a mysterious madness claims his town.

The Cabin

The banging synchronised perfectly with the throbbing in your head. Memories faded in and out in time with the beat. Running through the desert. Someone chasing you. Fear and betrayal swirl in your gut and fuel the pumping of your legs.

The exposed light bulb swings on its pendulum in time with the pounding. That sparks another memory. Pleasure blooming from between your legs. His deep breathing in your ear. Promises whispered as you lay on the soft pillow, your body feeling just as soft and pliable as you come down from your high. 

With a groan you try to sit up, the room spins but the pounding stops. Large hands find your back as the sparsely decorated room comes back into focus.

“Hey, you. You're awake. How are you? I was so worried.” Relief floods his voice as he wraps his arms around you. His moustache brushes your temple before he places a kiss there. Like he had a thousand times before. Ted. His name is Ted.

“I…I can't remember. What’s happening?” Your voice sounds far away to you. The rest of your mind is searching inwards. 

You remember your name, you prefer dogs over cats, tea over coffee. You remember Ted. The Mayor. Your Ted. He brings you flowers every date night. The pretty pink roses on the table between the takeaway he brought. The best tacos in town. You remember screaming. Someone attacking you. You, fighting for your life. Not just your life, someone else's. It's all there but it's not. It fractured, some parts missing completely, others a mere outline.

“What's the last thing you remember?” His broad frame is wrapped around you as he cradles you. His thumb gently rubs back and forth on your cheek. 

His presence brings you comfort. You know how you feel about him. “I love you.”

A sigh leaves his lips and blows through your hair. “I love you, too. What else do you remember?”

“Someone attacked me. I was fighting to protect myself and someone else…you?” His lips twitch into a smile against your skin as the words leave your mouth.

“Yes. That's good, you remember some of it. I'm glad because if I had to explain it, I don't think I could make you believe it. It's just…insanity. That's the only way to describe it.” He holds you even closer. “The people…our people…they started to attack each other. I don't know why. It's like a madness that spreads. Those that don't die in the attacks become mad too. I was bringing you here, to protect you when we were attacked. You're right, you fought for me, saved me, but you took the brunt of the attack before I could…I had to put them down.” His voice is choked up now.

It's your turn to comfort him. “Ssshh, Ted. You did what you had to. I remember the attack. It was dark. We were walking then they grabbed me by my hair, kicked me, choked me…”

“Hey. Don't think about that now. We're safe.” He kisses away tears you didn't know you had shed. “We have food and water. We can wait until things are safe then get out of here. You were only passing through anyway. We'll go buy that beach house you wanted. Alright?” His lips find yours. The kiss is easy, familiar, your lips move against his with ease. 

“Yeah. That sounds perfect. Do you have any idea what's causing it? The madness?” You can't help but think of your neighbours. A sweet old couple. Hopefully they are safe too. 

“The doctor had a few theories. Animal virus in our meat. Fungal infection. Natural gases. I tried to get us help. I really did. It happened so fast. The army should be on their way to help…survivors.” His shoulders slump. He loves his town. He loves being Mayor. That's part of what attracted you to him.

Your coffee was lukewarm as you planned the next part of your trip. Ted walked past the diner talking passionately about his town to the camera. He speaks with ease, his words are honest, straight forward. Later, he speaks the same with you. His marriage is a sham. His wife is already half moved in with her lover. She's staying until after the election, on his campaign manager's insistence. He likes you but he doesn't want to make you uncomfortable. It's you that does the chasing. He's almost shy when you touch him. He looks down at you through his lashes when you drop to your knees for him. You bring his hand to your head it lays there passively until he lets out a stifled groan and his fingers clench in the stands of your hair. It takes a while for him to take charge, to be as comfortable with you as he is in his role. When he does though, he has your sobbing, near folded in half, your cervix bruising, you and your body screaming. When you lay in his arms afterwards you spill your secret desires and hopes. You want a home on the beach, a career in nature photography. He wants a family, a bigger political career. You lay both your bodies and souls bare in your stolen time together. Quickly, you fall head over heels for him.

The water is hot and inviting as Ted helps you into the tub. “Here. This should help. Nice and hot. I have some whiskey here somewhere too. As my Abuela would say, a couple of shots won't solve everything but they won't hurt either.” 

Ted had taken stock of your injuries, while he helped undress you. Your sides were bruised. You remember them kicking you while you were curled on the dry ground. The scrub cut your face and bare arms as you tried to roll away from your attacker. The water stung the tiny scratches at first. Then it began to relax you.

“There, all cleaned up.” Ted wrung out the wash cloth he cleaned you up with.

“Thank you.” You sigh.

“No problem. I'm a public servant.” He laughs lightly. “You relax. I'll go heat up some food. Then you can go to bed early. I boarded up the windows and barricaded the door but I'll stay up to watch over you, just in case.”

The tinned soup is pretty damn good. It warms as it fills you. Ted washes the dishes in the tiny sink in the corner of the room, next to a small counter top with a camping stove and some utensils on it, while you rest on the bed. 

Once he's done, he fills a glass of water and hands it to you with a couple of round, white pills. “I found a few painkillers. Have these for now.” It still hurts to swallow but it'll be worth it for the painkillers to kick in.

“Thank you. You're doing all this for me but how are you?” You pat the bed next to you and he takes a seat.

“Honestly? Terrified. I don't know what's going on. I couldn't help my town. I feel like I could have done more but I saw the opportunity to save you and I had to. What kind of person does that make me?” He hangs his head in his hands.

“I'm sure you did whatever you could. Then you saved who you could. I would have done the same.” You replace his hands with your own. Drawing him to you, you place a gentle kiss on his lips, he returns it, then you do, then the back and forth rhythm dissolves into a hungry clash of tongues. Using his flannel shirt as leverage you pull him close until a pain shoots through your abdomen. The hiss that leaves you stops Ted in his tracks. 

“Honey! I'm sorry. Are you alright?” He checks you over as if he can fix it all. Ever the practical man.

“I'm okay.” The pain subsides and you feel even more tired.

“Come on. I'll lay with you until you fall asleep.” Once again he is cradling you like he can protect you from the world.

Sleep comes quickly. It's fitful and filled with nightmares. Nightmares about the madness that Ted told you about. The sweet old couple you were worried about tearing out the throats of the children across the street. Their terror filled eyes glazing over as their blood spills over their colorful chalk drawings on the sidewalk. Sweat cools on your skin as you jump awake. Ted flips on the light and is by your side in seconds. His shotgun is abandoned on the cupboard that is serving as a barricade and the high stool he was perched on to keep watch is tipped over in his haste.

His hands find you to comfort you. “I'm here. I've got you. Oh, shit!” 

Following his eyeline you see the heavy blood stain on the white sheet between your legs. “What?! What. I…” 

“Shhh. Shhh. It's okay. You took some kicks to the stomach, maybe something was damaged. Let's stay calm. If we need to I'll get you to a hospital. The army should be here now. I'll get you help, I swear. I love you. I love you.” Fear creeps into Ted's voice as he begins to ramble while he rocks you in his arms.

A week passes, each day much the same. You rest. Ted cares for you. Thankfully, the bleeding stopped before that first morning. Each day you get stronger. With each day the hope of survival rises. Each day Ted reminds you why you fell in love with him. He's your gentle protector. 

When your need for him grows too strong, he's still gentle, he kisses and caresses you until you are dripping for him. His thick fingers dip inside you to spread your slick before teasing your clit until you gush and relax for him. Even though his girthy length fills you with ease, he still takes his time with you. He works himself in slowly until your hips start to chase him. When he picks up speed he constantly checks in with you, whispering in your ear. After you come around him pulling him deeper, he asks if you can keep taking him until he comes. When he does finally spill inside you it's with a whimper.

Another week passes. This one is like a honeymoon. The worry of the world outside is almost forgotten with the two of you exploring each other's bodies like never before. Before you had stolen moments between meetings and appearances. Now you can take your time. 

“Ted, I can't!” you can't help but giggle as you push him away. His moustache is soaked with your cum. You've lost count of how many times you've come against it while Ted spent the morning pleasuring you. “Here, let me take care of you.” You reach for the massive bulge in his underwear.

Catching your hand, he brings it to his lips. “Actually, I have an idea.”

Letting go of your hand, he tucks his thumbs into the waistband of his underwear to slip them down his firm thighs until his cock springs free. Running his fingers through your slick, he uses it to coat himself until his fist pumps up and down freely. His eyes are laser focused on your wet cunt until they roll back and close. His hand slaps against his balls as he openly pleasures himself to your body. He looks beautiful, free and unashamed. A delicious look of pure ecstasy crossed his face when he hunches over grabbing your bare breast as he comes in hot ropes over your stomach. The one room cabin smells of sex every night that you fall asleep together.

The sun is setting as you finish dinner. The bare light bulb is off in favour of the small bedside lamp. Its warm light makes your new home feel cosy. Ted kisses your head as he collects your empty bowl. What you see next is so unexpected in your new little world that it takes a second for you to realise what you are seeing. A beam of white light flashes through the gaps in the boards of the window.

“Ted?” Ted turns to your voice and sees it too. 

Quickly and quietly, he crossed to the door frame, squeezing himself between the window on the cabin door and the one on the wall next to it. He tries to see out without being seen.

“Get down!” He orders as the light gets brighter.

The sound of approaching footsteps fill the small space. Your heart is in your mouth. Beating harder with each nearing step. The bang on the door almost caused your heart to explode. Another bang has you nearly choking on it.

“Mayor Garcia?!” A voice calls out. 

The name escapes you but the voice is familiar. It's one of the Sheriff's deputies. Relief floods you. “We're saved!” You sob at Ted stumbling towards him on shaking legs.

“Hello?” The voice calls, clearly having heard you.

“Ted? Open the door.” You try for the handle and Ted stiffens. “He's here to help.” Ted still doesn't move to open the door. “Ted?” 

When you look at him in the low light his face is cold for a second before he opens the door. “Of course.” He gives you a fleeting smile.

“Sir, are you okay? Sheriff Vasquez came to look for you but she never came back. I found her car a little up the road there in a ditch. Ma'am.” He added in politeness with a nod.

“We were fine.” Ted responds coolly before taking his shotgun and blowing away the Deputy.

Shock rips through you like the pelts through the Deputy's flesh. “Ted!”

Fear claws at your throat as he turns to you. His warm, soft eyes are cold as steel. 

“They couldn't just leave well alone. After all I've done for this town!” His raised voice raises the hairs on your neck. “I had a plan. I always have a plan. The ones I did for this town always work. But the one time I do one for me and it all goes to shit.” The stool by the door is flung across the room. “It was simple. Bring you here. Kill you. Bury you. No one would know. You were just passing through. No one would care.” As his words swarm you you cower back against the wall, using it to hold your broken pieces up. “Then you had to go and dig yourself out of your grave. I was going to just shoot you, seeing as choking you didn't work but then I thought ‘How did you manage to survive?’ a weak little woman. A whore, who sucks down married men's cocks. Maybe you had potential. Or maybe my seed made you stronger. Of course, I had to fix you back up. I had to make sure you lost that bastard child first. I can have an heir out of wedlock. How would that look? A hot bath, some whiskey, some pills that you didn't look too closely at. That was that. Thankfully, you didn't even remember that night.”

The pretty pink roses rest on the table. The same pink appears in two lines on the pregnancy test next to it.

“You're pregnant?” Ted is expressionless as he repeats his question. 

“Yes and I want to keep it.” You reach for his hand, only for him to snatch it away. 

“What? You think I'd have a baby with you? How would that look? Having a baby with a whore?” His words hit you like a slap in the face. 

“A whore? You said you loved me.”

“I do but you're not Mayor's Wife material. You threw yourself at me. Bounced on my bare cock after only knowing me for a few weeks. Begged me to fuck your ass. Came all over my suit from rubbing your hungry pussy over my thigh. I mean, it was all good. I've never shot my load down a woman's throat that quickly before. Even when I hold my wife's head and force my cock down her throat it takes me a while to get there. I mean, I married her for her standing, not her skills in the bedroom but to have a child with you? You must be crazy.”

You're up on your trembling legs while you try to process. The words come out before you realise. “Ted. I…I love you.” As if saying it could make him the man you fell for again, not this horrible stranger in front of you.

“Then you'll get rid of that kid and we'll go back to what we had.” He rises slowly to gently take your hand.

“No! I can't.” Your fingers are shaking in his palm. You're not sure I'd it's from fear or anger.

“You can. Or I can make you.” His free hand shoots up to grab your throat.

“Fuck you!” You manage to spit before kicking him in his knee.

Howling in pain, he releases you. “You little slut!” 

You are soon outside, running as fast as you can. The thought of your unborn baby pushing you on. Until Ted yanks you back by your hair. The sudden momentum sends you hurling to the ground. Ted manages to get a few kicks in to subdue you before he pulls you to your feet. Terror grips you as he wraps his large hands around your throat and you become light headed. The fight in you starts to fade as your lungs begin to burn.

“That's it. Let go. It'll all be over soon. Shhh. Let me take care of you.” The bastard has the audacity to kiss your temple as you go slack in his arms.

Ted feels relieved while he carries you to the shallow grave he’d dug. It would keep you hidden long enough for the animals to find you and pick you clean. No body, no crime. This is what he had to do. For the town. He couldn't have a scandal keeping him from being reelected. It was only when he lay you gently in the ground that his heart betrayed him. It clenched at the thought of you all alone out here. The two of you, without his protection. He brushed the thought away when he threw the first shovel load of dirt on your body.

Back at the cabin, he sat to get his story straight. He told his campaign manager that he was taking a day. He made sure enough people saw him leave town alone. He'd stop by the store tomorrow and make sure everyone saw him coming back. He had a few weeks before he needed to pile on the pressure with his constitutes. He could lay low for a while. If the police found you before the animals could do their job he could spin it. He could be saddened at the death of the poor woman, who he had taken under his wing. The poor woman who he'd allow to use his cabin for a while to take some nature photographs for her portfolio. She'd confessed that she had a baby on the way from her abusive ex so Ted felt compelled to help her. All his plans went sideways when you stumbled back into the cabin and passed out on the bed.

Fighting the urge to throw up, you push past Ted and out into the night. 

“Come on, Honey. You know this goes one of two ways for you. You die or you stay with me. I knew I couldn't go back to town when you came back, so I've set my sights on bigger and better things. You could be a part of that. I'll make an honest woman of you. You can have a few kids. I look after all of you. We'll be picture perfect for my new campaign.” His voices get quieter to your ears as you edge your way in the dirt towards the Deputy’s car that he rolled to a stop down the dirt track. It's only a few feet away. The door is open and the keys are in the ignition. You're sure you can make it. 

“Come on. What do you say?” His voice seems closer. 

The light from the car obscures your view. There's no way for you to know where he is without giving yourself away. 

‘Fuck it!’ you think and prepare to launch yourself at the car.

Just as you do the window of the open door bursts like an overripe watermelon above you. Glass rains down on you. You hear the distinct sound of a shotgun being snapped open. You have time to get to the car. Filled with renewed hope, you haul yourself up. Only for Ted to kick the door shut inches from your face. 

“Hey, you. Let's just talk about this.” His best trustworthy smile is plastered on his face. It's eerily lit by the car’s lights. It gives his beautiful profile a harshness. His profile becomes even more harsh when you punch him squarely in the crotch. 

Even as he crumbles, he laughs. “See, maybe that fire can come in handy. The world is changing. People expect more from politician’s wives.”

You are off running again. The same way you ran that night. Unfortunately, you take exactly the same route you took that night and end up back in your shallow grave. This time with even more company. The Sheriff is stone cold. Her face is bloody and puffy. Her glazed over eyes are bloodshot. 

“Thankfully, you didn't check those pills too closely. Sleeping pills kept you out for most of that first week so I could go back to town and sort some things out. Unfortunately, I must have made her suspicious. I should have known. She got too close last time.” It felt like Ted was just treating you like the crowd at one of his rallies now, giving one of his long speeches. “We used to have a problem with homeless people. People can only run so far from their past. A lot of them ended up here, hoping to disappear over the border. I couldn't have that. Not on my streets. The first couple were tough. They were big men. The women were easier. They followed me out here willingly. Any-who, I slipped you another dose a couple of nights ago to go back to town. The Sheriff was waiting up the road there. She knew I had property out here and was trying to catch me in the act. Dumb bitch. Like I would drive around with evidence. I disposed of everything…”

It was your turn to laugh. “Not everything.”

The beautiful smile, the one that he gave you on that first day, the one that made you feel special after years of heartache, spread across his face as his brow furrowed in confusion. His confusion increased as pain ripped through his chest and his gut. He sank to his knees, suddenly weak and cold. “You forgot to dispose of her gun.”

The day was cooling down. The sun was low. The breeze picks up as you pull the blanket around you. For a second you debate going into your home, the house that you bought with the money Ted had stashed at the cabin on one of his trips into town while you were drugged. Instead you sat to watch your daughter run around on the sand, your faithful dog hot on her heels. For the past three years of her life, you've been asked over and over again about her unusual name ‘Tesha’. With a smile you tell people it means ‘survivor’. 

Tags to prove that I did what I said: @yourcoolauntie @tinytinymenace @missredherring @artsy-girl-76 @maggiemayhemnj @novemberrain-writes @sheepdogchick3 @janaispunk

Tags: @kirsteng42 @prolix-yuy @hquinzelle @fangirl-316 @gracie7209 @jedifarmerr @doommommy @scorpio-marionette @sturkillerbase @harriedandharassed @aynsleywalker @mswarriorbabe80 @rise-my-angel @adancedivasmom @kinda-nobody @movievillainess721 @munsonownsmyass @mandoloriancookie @faceache111 @elegantduckturtle @manazo @simpingcowboy @pedrit0-pascalit0 @yourcoolauntie @pedrostories @geekrenaissance @its-nebuleuse @sherala007 @vabeachazn

[vidavalor]

Bread: A Good Omens Sex Meta Thing

Let's talk Aziraphale and blasphemous sexual innuendo, shall we?

We are still going to talk about what the deal is with the Fish soon as promised but I wound up finishing this shorter one first. You do not have to have read my other metas to read this. NSFW under the cut.

What do *checks notes* Jesus Christ and Ella Fitzgerald have to do with Aziraphale's "get thee behind me, foul fiend" moment in 1.01... and how do they make it somehow even more delightfully filthy?

Probably as a result of putting on a show to sound angelic and demonic when speaking to one another in public, Crowley and Aziraphale seem to have a thing for using scripture, Bible references and/or Heavenly mandates as sexual innuendo.

It overlaps at times with their general love of wordplay and also their repeated use of destructive/apocalyptic terminology as sexual metaphor and innuendo, which is not unique to them but which they do a rather stellar job at. While all of these things are in multiple scenes and one of them-- the "seeds of destruction" scene in the car on the way to Tadfield-- is especially interesting and will be its own meta at some point soon, I'm not sure we've fully appreciated just how completely, gloriously obscene the "get thee behind me, foul fiend" moment in 1.01 is and that is largely what this meta is about.

In Good Omens, it's established in the 1.03 Cold Open that Satan himself didn't tempt Jesus Christ-- he sent Crowley to do it. While Crowley and Aziraphale witness the crucifixion of Christ, Crowley tells Aziraphale that he's the one who "showed him [Jesus] all the kingdoms of the world", which establishes that it's Crowley who tempted Jesus in the desert, in what would have been an attempt to claim Jesus' soul for Satan but which we can probably figure that Crowley wasn't particularly wild about, especially since he liked and admired Jesus. Spoiler alert for The Bible here lol but the story goes that Jesus rejected Satan, as you no doubt have heard. In Good Omens, this would then mean that Crowley failed to tempt Jesus, which he likely wasn't exactly heartbroken over.

Crowley appeared to tempt Jesus on three occasions and, throughout all of it, Jesus was fasting in the desert over 40 days and 40 nights. The first temptation was to turn stones into bread to relieve Jesus of his hunger. The second was to jump from a high cliff and rely on the angels to break his fall. The final temptation is the one that Crowley references to Aziraphale in the Golgotha scene-- to worship him in exchange for all the kingdoms of the world. Jesus rejected Crowley at every turn and so was spared from Satan claiming his soul in what is arguably one of the most famous stories that has ever been told in all of human history, right?

The way this relates to sexual innuendo in 1.01, though, is related to the first temptation of Christ, which was to try to get Jesus to alleviate his own self-imposed hunger. It was to try to get him to eat bread-- actual bread for actual hunger for food. In Ineffable Husbands Speak, though, bread is related to sex by way of it being euphemistic for participants in partnered sex. (See: Mrs. Sandwich, who arranges for different breads to come together; references to black bread, brioche, sourdough, etc..). In 1.01, when Aziraphale drops "get thee behind me, foul fiend" while inviting Crowley into the bookshop (and into him), they have just come from eating lunch and 'lunch' is also their word for a food kinky date that ends with sex, as we looked at in the Crepes post, which I'll link at the bottom of this post, for anyone who hasn't read it and is interested.

So, what we're saying here is that Jesus refused Crowley's offer of relief from hunger for food and we know from The Bible that, in rejecting the last of Crowley's attempts to tempt him with all the kingdoms of the world, Jesus said: "Get thee behind me, Satan" (all of Satan's ministers being referred to as "Satan" as they are-- theoretically, anyway-- of The Devil). Later in The Bible, it is noted that Jesus also repeats "get thee behind me" in an intentional reference to his temptation in the desert when admonishing Peter for being too concerned with "worldly" things and not things that Christ felt were "of God."

Aziraphale. Knows. All of this.

Not even just because it's one of the most famous bits of The Bible and because parts of what is retold in The Bible are things Aziraphale has lived through. Just to make it abundantly clear to us that Aziraphale knows the story and that it was Crowley in the desert, they gave us the 33 A.D. scene, in which Crowley directly tells Aziraphale that it was him who failed to tempt Jesus... which adds some layers to Aziraphale using "get thee behind me" in 1.01, no?

Aziraphale-- an angel-- is standing there in 1.01, intentionally saying to Crowley the same words that *Jesus Christ* used to reject Satan through rejecting Crowley's temptations-- and he's using those words of Christ to invite Crowley *to fuck him.*

After Jesus rejected the temptation of bread but Crowley and Aziraphale? They just went to out to eat...

Aziraphale is enthusiastically not resisting any temptations and satisfying all the hungers here lol. Which is the point--

--much like the "tempt you to a spot of lunch?"/"temptation accomplished" scene, they're joking about temptation.

Pleasures like food and sex are not a sin and Aziraphale happens to like having both of those things with Hell's most notorious tempter, whom they both know Aziraphale has wrapped around his finger. Aziraphale is not risking his soul to enjoy being with Crowley-- the stakes are not the same, nor are the temptations, as what Jesus faced-- which is Aziraphale's dirty joke. Aziraphale's partner is a tempter for Hell who takes pleasure in being with Aziraphale, an angel who rebels against the repression of Heaven and allows himself to enjoy the good things in life. Crowley and Aziraphale tempt each other as they find each other tempting, in the sense that they're attracted to each other, but they don't view alleviating hungers for food and sex with one another as truly sinful.

Crowley is loving every minute of it, of course. His sweet, kind, lovely, clever angel who is also just so very deliciously bad that he's using innuendo related to that poor bugger Jesus to talk to Crowley about what they want to get up to in bed. Aziraphale is all Jesus might have resisted you but I've no such inclinations.

That's profane lol.

You just know they've also had conversations about how hot Jesus was that included some smirky references to consumption of "the body of Christ" and a dry "amen."

There is another thing "get thee behind me" references as well-- something that I think is a sharper reference after S2 added in a connecting piece to it. Here's where Ella Fitzgerald begins to come into this...

In S2, during The Resurrectionist minisode, Crowley, at one point, quips to Aziraphale: "you say potato, I say 'excellent'", which is an example of one of Crowley's historical anachronisms. As we know, he sometimes says things outside of historic time and place and another musical example of this occurs in this same minisode, when he sings "O Flower of Scotland" before it was actually written. The "you say 'potato', I say 'excellent'" has the lyrical rhythm of the famous Gershwin song "Let's Call the Whole Thing Off." The phrases "you say potato" and "po-TAY-to, po-TAH-to" literally come from the lyrics of this song so Crowley's "you say 'potato'" in The Resurrectionist minisode is 110 years before the song was first written and performed in 1937.

The fact that this reference is happening in the scene in which Crowley has switched his accent to Scottish, causing him to pronounce things differently than Aziraphale, is also part of a joke that goes along with that song, which is a duet built around using the different pronunciations of the same words to illustrate the love between a couple who sometimes see things differently but actually adore it in each other and really never want to be apart. The lyrics also use wordplay to marry food with love throughout the song (yes, it really is the most Crowley & Aziraphale song that has ever been written lol) and include a line around oysters, which are more than a little relevant to Crowley & Aziraphale's story.

Maybe funnier is that if you take Crowley's "you say 'potato'" moment in The Resurrectionist and you add it to Gabriel's arrival in 2.01-- in which an enormous bin of tomatoes spills at his feet and roll into the street-- you have a further reference to "Let's Call The Whole Thing Off" because the first two lines of the song are centered around potatoes and tomatoes and what happens in the Gabriel scene? He turns around after putting down the box and the crowd gasps, right? There's been endless debate over what Gabriel's whole deal down below is and the show-- which basically couldn't show us even if they wanted to because it would up the content rating of the show past what the studios would prefer-- had an opportunity for ambiguity and took it. It ultimately doesn't impact the story they are telling if Gabriel was efforting in that moment or not or what kind of effort he was sporting-- the answer can be whatever you want it to be. The debate over it is very "Let's Call the Whole Thing Off", as it's "'you say 'to-MAY-to', I say 'to-MAH-to'". The end result of the scene is the same no matter what Gabriel's deal was in that moment, which is the point. To some extent, this is the show itself overall, too.

Okay, so why am I going on about Crowley's historical anachronisms in a meta about Aziraphale's blasphemous innuendo?

I'll explain how it relates to the "get thee behind me" moment on the other side of the song, which I've included in case you think you know this song but you aren't sure or if you do know it and just want to listen to some Ella. :)

I bring this up in a meta about biblical blasphemy because it's actually the second, subtle reference to Ella Fitzgerald in the series-- the first is actually "Get Thee Behind Me, Satan"... which is also an Ella Fitzgerald song from the 1930s. Specifically, it is an Irving Berlin song that was also, like "Let's Call the Whole Thing Off", written for film, during the same period. ("Get Thee..." was written in 1935 and first played in a film the following year; "Let's Call..." written & performed in 1937.) The fact that the Jesus-ish "The Resurrectionist" minisode had another subtle nod to Ella Fitzgerald might strengthen the idea that Aziraphale is also referencing the Ella Fitzgerald song in 1.01, as well as the Biblical story that it references.

Making things even more interesting is one of the possible reasons for Crowley's historical anachronisms in the series in the first place, which might be that they hint at some of the ways that our professional midwife/cobbler Bildad the Shuite has been subtly influencing humans towards different ideas throughout history.

There's another meta on my blog about a different reference that ties to this a bit and it relates to how some of Crowley & Aziraphale's dialogue during the scenes of The Blitz so far (both parts) reference the 1957 film 'North by Northwest', which had the same screenwriter-- Ernest Lehman-- as the film adaptation of 'The Sound of Music'. Since the film came out 16 years after Crowley & Aziraphale first said these things in 1941, the implication is that at least one of them might have known Lehman and the two of them are actually partly the inspiration for the main couple in the film. I talked in that post about how this is hinted at by Crowley's repeated euphemistic references to trains in S2, as 'North by Northwest' is responsible for originating trains-as-sexual-metaphor forevermore through some now very famous scenes.

If it's already canon that they knew classical composers and Shakespeare and such, it's not far off to suggest that this type of interaction continued into more modern times and that maybe the Gershwins, Irving Berlin and/or Ella Fitzgerald were people Crowley and Aziraphale knew whose work was then inspired by bits of their story. "Let's Call the Whole Thing Off" could have been kicked off by one of them recounting (or Crowley repeating) the "you say 'potato'", which is bound to happen anyway, since Crowley and Aziraphale are so self-referential about their past in how they speak with one another, like every old married couple. (This would also be interesting as it might point to them in New York in the mid-1930s.)

So, right, Aziraphale and blasphemy, yes, yes, we're back to that now... :)

Mah point is that whatever you think of Aziraphale's present musical tastes, he was absolutely listening to the then-current music of the 1930s and Ella Fitzgerald is an example of an artist that both he and Crowley would have liked and still like. They both know these songs so, at minimum, saying "get thee behind me" to Crowley is potentially not just referencing Crowley and Jesus in the desert but also referencing this Ella Fitzgerald song and what's of note here is that this is a very sexy song that is pure, blasphemous innuendo in the best way. It describes a secret night of passion between a couple in a forbidden relationship as being unable to resist temptation by comparing it, just as Aziraphale does to Crowley in 1.01, to Jesus' successful rejection of temptation in the desert.

Lyrics like this:

Get thee behind me, Satan I want to resist But the moon is low and I can't say "no" Get thee behind me

Get thee behind me, Satan I mustn't be kissed But the moon is low and I may let go Get thee behind me

It's possible that Aziraphale suggested the Biblical metaphor to Irving Berlin at one point and the song is actually inspired by Crowley and Aziraphale, even if no one but them knows just how much. At minimum, Crowley is responsible for this song in GO in the sense that it wouldn't exist without his interactions with Jesus in the desert, which would also be enough for Crowley and Aziraphale to just have a thing about the song. "Get Thee Behind Me, Satan" also being from the mid-1930s means that it pre-dates "A Nightingale Sang in Berkeley Square", so maybe there's even an element of this being one of their songs. At the very least, Aziraphale totally thinks of it as one.

...and have I mentioned that the last lyrics of the song are just the recurring Crowley line of "It's too late" repeated?

Someone I'm mad about Is waiting in the night for me Someone that I mustn't see Satan, get thee behind me...

First post in the 'GO sex meta things' series:

[the-scrappy-stinger]

We open up to Honda being a mood.

This is Honda, and he's a business guy. He doesn't wanna go to the old okonomiyaki place with his high school buddies because he's bored gossiping about old girlfriends and passed memories. They make him go anyway. Along the way... they avoid KitKat.

Heading off to the old place, the shop is deserted, dirty, and run by the shopkeeper's only daughter. So what's basically the first place she does when they walk into the store?

What is it with this manga and women running restaurants? To be fair, she doesn't WANT to, her dad's just in the hospital. And she's got a toddler at home, and her husband works full time at a DIFFERENT restaurant as the head chef, and she's still expected to be a homemaker, so yeah, she actually has it rough.

So they all agree to help. Honda the grump is... not as agreed, but onboard in his own very food-tsundere way.

So of course he goes to the MEETING OF THE HIGH SCHOOL YOUTH TO SAVE THE OKONOMIYAKI PLand nobody else shows up. Figures. Honda the grump is alone.

AND OH NO, CUSTOMERS. AND HE DIDN'T READ THE RECIPE. I think I've had this nightmare. SO he sucks at it. KitKat comes over to borrow some flour and even though Honda the grump isn't the owner, he has a speech.

Weeping like my co so then a fuckin' yakuza boss comes in for food, because why the fuck is this place still getting reservations if the owner's been laid up for months- anyway so the yakuza boss nearly throws Honda into the back of a car to fuckin' kill him or whatever and KitKat's like "stop it. We're gonna use words."

And these guys were willing to kill Honda because he told them he didn't work there and the restaurant was closed because the owner's kid had the flu. ANd they're street food vendors.

Thus is the world of KitKat Jesus. (The Jesus part we're getting to, just stick with me.)

I have never related harder to a character in this manga in my life.

So KitKat's like "Look if you're here to shakedown for flavor THIS hard, let me try making the recipe. Honda you stay you have to taste test" and Honda's like "damn it!" because he is LITERALLY walking out the door! KitKat reads the recipe and goes "Wait... this is way too basic, this can't be right" and it turns out he's right, because despite living in the shop her whole life and watching her dad cook every day she didn't know the recipe.

So the street vendors are like "You should sell this at the food fair tomorrow!" and KitKat's like "... hell, why not?". Honda's like "okay i'm fucking LEAVING NOW THANK YOU" and the street vendors go "Hey wait aren't you a government worker? You know your job would be way easier if you did public work and people saw your face" and Honda's like "... ... sign me up."

They got the owner's daughter's permission, though, that's okay.

This next chapter's actually kind of cook- I mean cool! Freudian hungry. But KitKat talks about how food stall cooking is different from restaurant cooking, because you have to take into account eating on the go. Honda the grump is put on the cabbage cutter machine to help and bemoans that he wasn't allowed to eat street food as a kid.

Guy's just got opinions about fuckin' everything.

Honda the temporarily-asshole-for-the-plot decides to just go... LITERALLY grab customers out of someone else's line to force them to eat at his stall.

And starts a fight.

I'm starting to think the author has a low opinion of street food vendors.

OH wait no, I was wrong, they are ALSO the mafia. And street food vendors. Yeah there we go. No wonder Honda wasn't allowed to eat street food...

(skims ahead) oh god I'm gonna run out of pictures again- SO TO SUM UP:

The Capo wants to put the screws to Honda the grump because he tried to cheat at food stalls, so he has his two lancers, big dudes who cook fast, give him a bunch of okonomiyaki to sell before sunset, but KitKat's like "you bitch, you gave him shitty food to sell so you could kick his ass later".

Honda at this point must be like "I wouldn't be in this situation if everybody else hadn't flaked out on me, christ".

OH well, only one way to settle it.

And Honda the... weirdly malleable personality for the plot is like "I am so moved by this cook-off between two rival food mafia gangs that I volunteer to be the chef".

And so KitKat's like "Okay". TRAINING

Honda the singer now apparently has to sing ONLY this song for the next two days.

It's supposed to help him improve his internal clock so he doesn't have to look at his watch while he's cooking. Three minutes to cook on one side, six minutes on the other. ... thing is.

This song's been covered a LOT. And most of them aren't 3 minutes long. Most of them are REALLY fuckin' short actually. Fun little bop though!

Must be this version.

Hey, me too, guy!!!

So the training continues, and on the day of the cook-off-

Sooey sooey, soodada-lata, soodada-lata sooey sooey!~

And his place is a hit! Because-

It's in easy-to-eat pieces!

So he wins the contest- wait whatever happened to the restaurant?? WELL LEMME TELL YOU!

Honda the better goes back to his normal job.

Honda's buddies realize that they forgot about the plot for TWO WEEKS.

Buncha assholes!

And... Honda has quit his well-paying government office job... to work the okonomiyaki bar.

I mean... Not judging but... like, benefits? Vacation days? ... not going home at night smelling like cooking oil? Just a thought...

Story arc length: 9 chapters.

[rosesandalfazemas]

What are some interesting facts about your country? :D

Hi Anon!

Argentina has a lot stuff to talk about. But I'm going to be a citizen.

Despite on having economical problems, we try to live our best moment everytime. I think that makes us creative and looking for alternatives and solutions all time. All of our most famous researchers, doctors, cientifics, engineers, sport players (hi Messi!), architects and artists came from poor families or worker families.

We're big and I can say almost no country in the world has an enviromental vertical carta as we have. From deserts in the North to snow and mountains in the South. Some landscapes seems from other world.

Thanks of our inheritance (native and european), we have the best combination of foods and flavors (Also we eat a LOOOOT per person).

And despite some media and social media says because they're ignorant, we are NOT racist. That topic is not a topic in here, because our people mixed so deep and so fast that we have a lot of immigrants for generations in our blood. You can came here and you will see in all our faces the mixture of all humankind in any combination. We're not blonde, caucasic, black, asian, ginger, european, native: We're all at the same time.

Have a wonderful week!

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary446

12/13-14/24

friday - saturday

very busy day...

and i didn't even see half of it!! i woke up at an okay time today i think but what really bit was that my schedule has just been off generally, so i get ready later in the day, so that means i need some extra time to shave so it matters... and if i can't i know i'll feel bad, so my gf departed without me with her mom, she got some food + saw some horses at a casino, while i was getting ready, or after, for about 30 mins, i was able to vc with my friend.

but then we were off, we went to downtown to give our friend her pie dish... then we went across town again to go to a bougie shopping zone where they had a christmas parade, which was cute. not more to say than it was cute, and nice, and all the things you want that kind of thing to be, meaningless but nice and something to see with people you like, a sort of tepid thing that's fun. i guess it's the closest i'll get to watching the classic sort of species of christmas film, or not classic, but what become common in the 00s, the trashy family comedies that all kind of make me feel ill thinking about them, not like, because they're truly disgusting, just bad, always reflective of something i wanna escape from. but this was enough of that to be like, holiday kitsch in an okay way, i basically liked it, maybe i mostly just liked being able to talk about it with my girlfriend, and be in a vaguely holdiay-y place, or not vaguely, but everything's vague in the desert...

oh, that vagueness, on the way to pick up my gf's brother, we passed a whole bunch of finished new developments in here area, and there were these unfinished ones, just wood beams in the shapes of apartment buildings, empty, eerie. i wrote some images of them, but i should go put those in something... brb...

i've done so and am happy.

on the way to collect the brother, we ate a little bit of fast food.

when we got him, he was confused, on sunday we're going to dinner, but today, we were not, so he was a little shocked about us eating.

he didn't get mad though, he was like, oh okay, when he realized that's what we're doing sunday.

then we went to a couple bars. that was good basically, there was this really frustrating guy who came but what can we do about that. he's just so loud, it bothers my gf so much, seeing her so bothered, it bothers me too. when he came around to hug everybody i didn't really want him to hug me so i held my arm out in a weird way, when he came behind me, he bumped into this thing outside that had a flame in it, those warmers w/ the column of fire along the inside, and he turned the flame out, a woman came to fix it after a while, and she could not get it to work, so i wonder if he broke it. i think he might have. he didn't seem to notice or care really. i guess, i don't know, i feel bad for the woman dealing with it, but for some reason i had the thought that i don't really think that if he did break it, he needs to know, or be made to know, or be made to feel bad, that makes me feel bad, the idea of him being guilty makes me feel bad, because it makes me think it'd just make him double down, to prove that if he is how he is, it won't actually be bad. i don't know. we stayed a while though, and all talked, gf's brother offered us 3 seats neared to the other fire thingy and we took them, which was really kind of him i think. he is conscientious at times,

after that bar, my gf, our other friend, her brother, and i, walked to another bar while the other portion of the group went to some weird hipster bar thing called liquid diet... all the drinks seem stupid. i don't drink anything but they're stupid...

we went to the super cute bar today, silverstamp, that has a bunch of christmas stuff up, we spent the rest of the night there, i talked to my gf's brother a lot, it was rather nice honestly, we talked about how and why people talk about and like sports, i'm not particularly into any but i have lots of friends who are, and i like hearing the stories about players and things, and her brother was like, telling me about how emotional he gets, it's a rather sweet thing. i think partially it's sort of sad that for a lot of men, that seems like the only emotional thing / outlet they have, and that is depressing you know, there's so much else to be vulnerable to, than sports, but that it is there is something i suppose. and a lot of the stories i do hear about guys in soccer really are moving. after that we talked about... just things, just whatever really, a lot of stuff about his work right now, how he hates it, loves the people he's around though, his time in bootcamp, complex feelings about it, i told him it sounds like he would really want to be a monk of some kind, just living a regimented life with other men, being able to live in silence with them, speak about important things. something like that, he seems suited for that i think. i didn't say that in any kind of mean way.

after a while of it just being us, our other friend came in, but she was with her co-workers/friends, celebrating someone's 21st birthday. i didn't get to speak to the birthday woman so much but she seemed very nice and our friend loves her, we convened with her at a later time.

other people came in, but really what began to happen then was a friend started to get very wasted and did ketamine, and then ubered to another bar, ubered back, got more drunk, spilled a bunch of beer on everyone, and seemed to be in a dark place. this was depressing to see, and he sort of closed the night out peaking in that place i think, but the time in the bar was rather nice at the end of the day, when we ended up at tacos el gordo was when he was like, i'm thinking of crashing my car again... well, prior to that, we were walking to our friend's car, as our friend had joined us after her friends left, we talked about gender stuff for a while in the silverstamp, and then we left, gf's brother ubered home in a very good mood, i am glad this was a good night for him, sometimes he has bad nights, and it feels partially like he winds himself up but idk, i guess being attentive helps a lot. anyhow, our drunk and k-holed friend, we needed to take him with us, we went to tacos el gordo, we were sitting there, a friend gave me a tide magic eraser because at some point someone must have spilled something on me, idk what or when, but it mostly came out... i also came home and hand washed my dress... i really really really hope there is like nothing there, everyone said it was hardly noticeable in the first place but that kind of thing makes me want to die a little bit... gjhgghjhghg, anyway, he was just kind of laughing loud, being insensitive at one point to our friend's medical thing, idk, just kind of drunk and nihilistic i guess, or it came off that way, suicidal a bit, but he's home safe... there is just no arguing with drunk people, ultimately.

that was our night... now i'm home, nothing really done today, but that's okayy. i need to sleep so i can be ready sunday for more christmas stuff, won't be out late though.

so,

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[leafyplantdreams]

robotic alien that started killing people. I look at my mom and sister and I tell them get in my car we’re leaving NOW and get all the food. For some reason my mom's mom is there too and shes really old and starts praying intensely and super loud in the middle of the street and I look at my mom and she says "uhh we can leave her here?" and I go "yeah she can stay 😅" she'd be dead weight/get us caught and we don't get along I don't think my family is too close with her either. So im checking my fuel level, theyr loading the random snacks and waters into the car, but also people start looting immediately, so now we're trying to avoid other panicking people who are also trying to get food and water and run and we're trying to be as fast as possible and i'm looking around thinking where on earth could i drive us that's safe or just to hide, when i hear people talking about the aliens and that they need grassy areas because they take the nutrients from the vegetation. Almost as soon as I hear that an alien (there's multiple now and different sizes) notices all of us inside the hotels like garage or something and starts trying to attack so I get my mom and sister and now my older sister is here and I take them far across this hill where people were running to and I was going to try and take them to a desert area but we left the waters back there so I told them all to wait for me (i hid them behind some shrubs and stuff) while I go get supplies and they listened. However when I went back most people were dead at this point, very few humans, mostly aliens floating around so I was very noticeable, and one of them locked onto me but it was smaller about 7' thank god, and i'm trying to avoid it and hide but there's literally no where to hide and i'm rounding corners and trying to duck and stay still and quiet but it easily finds me and pulls a laser gun out of its head and starts loading so I grab whatever I can find (im wandering through streets and neighborhoods) I throw a garden chair at it, random plastics, wood but this thing is like super strong and I have no weapons so I use this metal thing as a shield while it's trying to fire at me and getting much much closer at the same time. It never fires tho, and I'm lucky because in my dreams it usually never gets too dark, like I've never had my guts pulled out or shot at or arm cut off or something, I've had a sword go through my midsection and that hurt like hell but it wasn't bloody. Anyways so the alien is frustrated i keep blocking its aim of me and that i keep throwing stuff so it changes form to resemble a hot guy and I'm like 😏 but I’m also like 😰 this is obviously a trap but the trap is working and the hot alien guy tackles me to the ground and his eyes dude are the most mesmerizing beautiful soul searching eyes I’ve ever seen I am fall in love with this robot alien and have no idea how it did it cus the guy has me pinned to the ground and still has the laser pointed at me and trying to shoot me in the head point blank and i'm pushing the nozzle of the gun away but I can't stop staring into his eyes too and then, the dream completely changes. I’m back in a modern city now but things feel very off. Almost like there were clones of people or an alternate universe, like my older sister was some like big influencer now but she was constantly getting hacked it looked like and same with my cousin like he had broken up with his girlfriend but I know they’re still together in real life so I was like... did the aliens put us in a simulation? and try to make versions of us? and then I woke up and I was like wth, am I still dreaming? And in the dream I remember the alien race was called The Dipe but I looked it up and nothing came up. Now that I think about it, the aliens weren’t trying to kill us, I think they abducted all of us and put us in a simulated life of our previous life but there were little inconsistencies everywhere because it was such a complex task to recreate our lives exactly. Also my teeth were falling out.

[mysteryshoptls]

SSR Jamil Viper Union Birthday Personal Story: Part 2

"Happy Birthday"

(Part 1) Part 2 (Part 3)

[Scarabia Dorm – Birthday Party Venue]

Sebek: Alright, so let's move onto the interview.

Sebek: Here's the first question.

Sebek: “If you could bring one person with you to a deserted island, who would you choose?”

Sebek: However, you cannot choose someone from your own dorm…

Jamil: Even if you hadn't said that, I wouldn't have chosen anyone from Scarabia anyway.

Sebek: Why not!? If it were me, I would absolutely start with the thought of taking a Diasomnia student like myself…

Jamil: Well, first of all, we're talking about a "deserted island," yes? When it comes to Scarabia, there's folks that are more indoor oriented.

Jamil: In order to survive on a deserted island, you need to secure shelter, as well as procure water and food, and make a fire…

Jamil: And there are plenty of other things that would need to be done as well. Besides, if I want to make sure we can escape, I'd have to choose carefully.

Sebek: I see, so instead of waiting for someone to rescue you, you'd try to escape on your own.

Jamil: Absolutely. An uninhabited island will be teeming with bugs. There's no WAY I'd want to stay there any longer than I have to!!

Jamil: Also, it's not necessarily the case that we'd be able to find enough food on the island, anyway. It's be basically impossible to escape if we become weak with starvation.

Jamil: That's why, in order to safely survive, we would need to escape the island as fast as possible.

Jamil: So, keeping that all in mind, the person that I would need with me in order to successfully escape would be…

Jamil: Jack, from Savanaclaw.

Sebek: …Jack?

Jamil: He seems like a guy who'd be good at manual work, so when it comes to carrying logs, or building a shelter, he should be pretty dependable.

Jamil: And for another thing, Jack has a pretty good nose. That should be a huge advantage to help us finding sources of water or food.

Jamil: If I could leave finding us a place to sleep, water, and food to Jack, then I could focus on searching for a means to escape.

Sebek: Not bad, Jamil-senpai. You seem to have a good grasp of the basics of survival.

Sebek: So, in order to prioritize efficiency, you chose Jack as your servant, I see.

Jamil: Don't say something so uncouth. He's just the right man for the job, is all.

Sebek: …However, it would not be that easy to make someone do what you want.

Sebek: I know I would never accept just anyone as my master, unless I sincerely admired them.

Jamil: Yeah, I completely agree with you there.

Jamil: Nevertheless, I'm sure that if we were to work towards the common goal of escaping the island, Jack would be willing to lend me a hand.

Jamil: And, he's quite respectful towards his upperclassmen, a rarity amongst the student body here…

Jamil: He doesn't act impulsively and cause problems, nor does his mood change wildly depending on the day.

Jamil: Nor does he try to ensnare others with wily turn of phrase. I wouldn't need to waste any time in dealing with any unnecessary trickery.

Jamil: I feel like, if all we had to do was spend a few days together, there wouldn't be any problems.

(Part 1) Part 2 (Part 3)

[arveeee]

The beginning

Bishop Losa x Reader

Like always: sorry for my bad English.

Gif by: sonsofeorl

The bicycle was in parts, you just hoped all parts were there. You brushed your hair back from your sweaty forehead and took another look. The bicycyle was your only hope of getting out of this shithole. An idyllic holiday on your father's farm was supposed to be the beginning of a new life. You were glad you were going to spend some time with your father. And you were hoping to recover a little from the toxic relationship you'd been in for the last 7 years. 7 years of a wasted life.

But here in Southern Cali, nothing was as it was supposed to be. The farm was no longer a farm, but a house in the middle of the great semi-desert hills, and it was a house in need of a lot of renovation. Southern California was no paradise either, but a sunburned dusty place. And as soon as you arrived, your father left you the keys to his old truck, muttered some words, something between goodbye and apology, got on his motorcycle and drove off into the blue, which was really not a blue, but a dusty road ahead.

You didn’t have much to do. You should be looking for a job, but first, you wanted to get some rest. And after cleaning the old house, making the beds where you planted tomatoes and peppers, and in the boxes on the terrace, herbs, you found resting is boring. Especially as the phone coverage was really poor and certainly didn't allow you to watch Netflix. So the next day you packed a small bag, grabbed a map and decided to make a trip to the ocean. The truck made strange sound. It stated somehow strangly, jerked and stalled. Gentle speech, swearing and kicking did little. It was still working 3 days before when you went shopping in Santo Padre and everything seemed fine. But now it wouldn't move.

You returned home and realised that all you had left was a hammock on the terrace and admiring the blue sky. An idyllic holiday in the middle of nowhere.

After a few days of lying in a hammock, you understood that, yes, it was nice, but you also had to eat. And even if the fasting is good for your figure, it cannot go on indefinitely. You didn't really know who to call. Anyway, the phone most of the time didn't want to connect. You considered walking towards the city, but Santo Padre was too far to walk. And then you remembered that you saw a bicycle in the shack. You went to inspect it and you quickly realised that these were bicycle parts rather than a bicycl. But you dragged everything outside the house and decided to try to put it back together. There was not a single cloud in the sky. It was hot.

You brushed your hair off your sweaty forehead. And then you heard the whirr of a motorcycle. Motorcycles - you corrected yourself while still leaning over the bicycle. You were a little relieved that your father was coming back and would take care of the truck. The sun was shining straight into your eyes, so you shielded them with your hand and looked out the way. Two motorcycles were coming along, but it wasn't until they got closer that you realised that neither looked like your father's. Neither of the motorcyclists was your father. You bent down and discreetly picked up the wrench you were using to assemble the bike.

They stopped two metres in front of you and removed their helmets. You involuntarily stepped back without letting go of the wrench.

The one with a smaller posture and a moustache smiled and as he did so his whole face lit up.

- Are you Taza's daughter? We came to check on you.

You didn't say a word because you didn't know what was going on. And who was Taza?

The other, taller, with a round, nice face and hands tattooed up to his wrists noticed your confusion.

- We're friends of Che. I'm Hank and this is Bishop - he pointed at the other guy. - Let me see what you have got here.

He walked over to the bike parts and before you knew it he took the wrench out of your hand.

He looked at the parts and put the frame of the bike upright.

- Let me help you here.

- Che is not at home. - you murmured.

The other one smiled.

- We know he isn't. He asked us to stop by and see if you were okay. Let's go inside. - He passed you by and entered the house. You followed him in. The man opened the fridge. It was clearly not his first time here. He looked inside.

- it’s empty. Not even a beer.

- I can make tea. Or give you water, if you like.

- Tea? - he laughed again.

He took a glass and poured himself some water from the tap. He sat down at the table. You leaned against the kitchen table. Now you could look at him. He was quite a bit younger than your father. He had a moustache that quite suited him, a very nice smile and warm eyes. On the cut he wore he had similar stripes as your father. Now you noticed it. Only where your father had “Vicepresidente”, and that one had “Presidente”. “Interesting” - you said to yourself. He had a nice smile, but you also saw his muscular hands and knew it was better not to get in his way. Just like the one who stayed outside. That one looked a bit like a wrestler.

- Are you all right, sweetheart? - He looked at you until you blushed. You were wearing a tiny blouse that you had put on to repair your bicycle and quite short trousers. You were sweaty and dusty, but he was looking at you with... admiration?

You didn't really know what to say, so you just wrapped yourself in the scarf that was lying on the back of the kitchen chair and poured yourself some water too.

- It's not going to work, princesa - you heard Hank's voice. - One of the wheels is missing a hub. And the brakes are missing too. Unless you have them somewhere.

- I don't have any - you sighed.

- Why do you need a bicycle, where would you like to go in this heat?

- I need groceries.

- Shopping? And you know that the nearest store is 30 miles away.

- I have no choice. The truck broke down.

- Broke down? Then why didn't you tell me right away?

- When was the last time you ate? - Bishop was concerned and threw a meaningfully look at the fridge.

- Jesus christ, girl. - Hank just sighed.

- Let's go - Bishop moved to the door. - Come on, you need to be fed.

- I need to get changed. - The conversation about food finally convinced you to trust them.

An hour later you were finishing your burger at the diner and talking to Bishop like you'd known him for ten years. Hank left you by the dfiner alone with Bishop. And it didn't bother you at all. Bishop wanted to order you some more dessert, but that was too much.

- We'll go to the club now and figure out what to do with your truck.

- I need to do some groceries.

- Don't worry about it, querida. - Bishop put his arm around you and led you toward his motorcycle. And smiled to you. You suddenly felt as safe as never before. And that's when you realized that despite thousands of promises that it would never happen to you again, it did.

You fell in love.

Tags: @megapeacelovemusic-blog @est1887

[rpmemesbyarat]

RP meme from Tremors

Let's get you out of the sun for a spell.

Please move your fat ass.

Well, when I'm your age I'll probably forget what I eat, too.

How many cows does it take to make a stampede? Is it like three or more? Is there a minimum speed?

You will have long blonde hair, big green eyes, nice full breasts that stand up and say hello, ass that won't quit. And legs, legs that go all the way up!

Yeah, well, I'm getting what I refer to scientifically as "weird vibes."

They're all the same; dead weight. Can't make a decision, can't walk because of their shoes, can't work because of their fingernails. Make my skin crawl!

Well, I'm a victim of circumstance.

Twenty years of looking for a woman exactly like Miss October 1968, and where'd it get me?

Down, honey, down.

The way you worry, you're gonna have a heart attack before you get to survive World War III.

Right. We plan ahead. That way we don't do anything right now.

The idea was; we were ripping you off.

Now, you know I'm good for it.

Are we too easy-going?

If we're gonna take the plunge we oughta have a better plan than that.

Stop it! Stop it, you horrid animal!

God almighty, my mama sure didn't raise me for this.

You're the one's gotta have a plan.

What keeps us doing jobs like this is you dragging your feet.

You gonna stand there in broad daylight and tell me you think I'm the reason we're still here?

I'll call that little bluff.

Forget it, man. It's not worth it.

We did it! We faced temptation and we did not bend!

Last chance, asshole.

Jeez, look at that guy.

You're full of shit.

He must've really been drunk this time.

You damn fool, you owe me on this one

Well, whatever the hell happened it's just one more goddamn good reason to haul ass out of this place.

Hey, where the hell's that asshole dog?

We got a killer on the loose!

He's cutting people's heads off!

I'd high-tail for town if I was you!

The phone is out!

We've gotta get the police up here.

Well, there's sure as hell nothing to stop us now.

Is some higher force at work here?

Are we asking too much of life?

You on a booze break or what?!

Where are the bullets? Don't we have any goddamn bullets?

Hey, I don't want spend the night out here!

What the hell you doing back already?

Unreal! Where'd you get it?

It's disgusting.

So, it's some kind of snake?

It's dead all right. Tore the damn thing in half.

There's gotta be more out there, a lot more.

Slick as snot and I'm not lying.

Look, we organize, we arm ourselves.

We go out, we find those damn snake things, we make 'em extinct.

Might be aliens. Who knows?

Why go looking for trouble?

Phone's out. Road's out. We're on our own.

I'm dead. Let's finish in the morning.

Just keep looking at that beautiful sky.

Damn that thing!

Well, what's wrong with it?

You sure this is where it was?

God, what a stink!

Something's got me!

Oh, God! Get me Out!! GET ME OUT!!

Somebody stop it!

You want the rifle or the Smith?

IT'S GOT ME! IT's GOT ME! AAAAHGH!

You stupid punk!

One of these days, [NAME], somebody's gonna kick your ass.

Come back with the Sheriff.

Come back with the National Guard.

That means we're gonna be out here, like, in the dark.

Oh, man, I hate this shit.

Ride like hell.

How could they bury an entire Plymouth station wagon?

They're under the goddamn ground!

There must be a million of them!

It's gaining on us!

We can do it, we can do it!

We killed the bastard!

Did you just notice something weird?

Think it smells like that 'cause it's dead?

I think they shoot right outta its mouth, hook you, and pull you right in.

Good thing we stopped it before it killed anybody else.

I'm lucky it didn't find me.

This is like, well, let's say it, it's probably the biggest zoological discovery of the century.

Just look at what we caught here!

This is one big mother!

Come on, nobody's ever seen one of these!

There are five more of these things!

Five more?

If you compare the different readings, there have to be five.

There's nothing like them in the fossil record, I'm sure.

I'd vote for outer space. No way those are local boys.

The government built them, a big surprise in the next war.

How the hell's it even know we're still here?

It can sense the slightest seismic vibration, hear every move we make.

I always wanted to be stuck on a desert island. But somehow I always imagined, you know, water.

You know, I hate to be crude, but I'm gonna have to take care of some business here.

I'll tell you, if you ever wanted proof God is a man, this is it.

Running's not a plan. Running is what you do when the plan fails.

You're not even trying to come up with a plan!

Think it's still following us?

You go north, I'll go south.

Well, I'm scared, but I'm not sorry.

All right, I'm about as subtle as a donkey's ass.

You think we're not even safe here in town?

I think we should all get the hell out while the getting's good.

You should have a theory at least.

This valley's just one long smorgasbord and if we don't haul ass outta here we're the next course.

You little ass wipe!

You knock that off or you're gonna be shitting that basketball!

Where are we going to go that's safer than right here?

I'm gonna kick his ass!

Man, you got a gun?!

Big as a house!

Remember, no noise. No vibration.

Get off your pogo stick!

Go back, for chrissake!

Come on! Outta your pants!

Just run! Run like screaming fuck!

This oughta hurt like hell.

So, is that one of your usual jobs, saving peoples' lives?

How long till they go away?

Shut it up! Shut the little bastard up!

Quiet! Quiet you hateful thing!

Chuck him out the door!

Son of a bitchin' lowlife, putrid, scum.

I got enough food here to last us for weeks.

Jesus! Shut it off!

Can't you shout a little quieter?

How the hell long it take you to change a tire?

They're coming after you! They're coming right now!

Big monsters under the ground, [NAME]!

Broke into the wrong goddamn rec room, didn't you, you BASTARD!

We killed that motherfucker!

Uh, be advised, however, there are four more, repeat, four more motherfuckers.

They got one! They killed one of the sons of bitches!

You're not getting any penetration, even with the elephant gun.

Never figured on having to shoot through dirt! Best goddamn bullet stop there is.

They can feel our vibrations, but they can't find us.

The bastards are up to something.

Oh, wow, man! No way! No fucking way, man!

They're gonna tear this whole town out from under us!

We'll come get everybody. Just hang on tight.

Since when the hell's every goddamn thing up to us?!

We don't have a hell of a lot of time here.

We need a helicopter is what we need, or a goddamn tank.

Jesus. It's slower than hell.

Couldn't we distract them somehow?

We need a decoy.

Hey, [NAME], you wanna make a buck?

We're gonna save our asses here!

Get real. I'm faster than you.

Damn. Guess I have to do it.

Watch your ass, shithead.

Don't worry about me, jerkoff.

You goddamn suicidal son of a bitch!

He'll never make it! They're gonna get him!

HEY, YOU SORRY SONS OF BITCHES, COME AND GET ME!

Goddamn good thinking!

Me next!

Get me off of here!

We got about three seconds!

God damn! Armored transport!

What do you think? Max firepower or...?

I'd go for penetration.

Give me a gun! I'll take one!

I wouldn't give you a gun if it was World War Three.

Underground goddamn monsters?!

Any sign of'em?

Maybe they're taking a dump.

What the hell are they doing? They're up to something.

I don't care what they're doing as long as they're doing it way over there.

They dug a trap! I can't believe this!

Hungry?! Eat this!!

Here they come! They're coming back!

They'll sure as hell get us if we stay here!

[NAME] do you have any more of those things?

Then, when the explosion happens, if it drives them away again, we all run like goddamn bastards!

What if it doesn't scare them? What if they don't run?

They're so sensitive to sound, they have to run! It hurts too much!

We're gonna run. Get ready.

They're too fast! You can't outrun them, no way!

It worked! There they go!

You asshole! There's no bullets in this gun!

Could we make it to the mountains?

What's the matter with you? What are you talking about?!

Those animals would have killed you!

You haven't seen what they can do.

They're not falling for it!

I'll make'em pay attention, goddamnit

We can't kill them all.

Use the fucking bomb!

This better be one great plan!

We could make some real money off this whole thing, get in People magazine.

Sell the movie rights.

You're really leaving, huh?

There's going to be major research up here.

And thanks for everything, you know, saving my life and stuff.

Civil? I'm civil.

You're not civil, you're glum.

We got the world by the tail with a downhill pull and all of a sudden you go glum on me.

Somebody paying you to do this?

She just practically asked you for a date.

God, my work is never done.

Fine, make the mistakes I did.

I think I'll just be playing this hand myself.

I'd goddamn worship her.

Can you fly, sucker?! CAN YOU FLY?!

[tigerkirby215]

5e Rammus, the Armordillo build (League of Legends)

(Artwork made for Riot Games.)

Yeah...

Any more words for an introduction would be excessive, alright?

Let's just get on with the build.

Okay.

GOALS

Yeah - Yuumi isn't the only one with Zoomies. Super Sonic style!

Alright - I'm rubber you're glue; whatever you say bounces off me and makes you explode.

Okay - What good is murdering anyone who touches you if no one gets close? Call them names (or just say "okay" in a very annoying tone) to force them to fight!

RACE

To carry a big shell on your back look no further than Tortle. (The spikes come later.) I'm going to invoke Tasha's ruling and suggest a +2 to your Dexterity and a +1 to your Charisma, to spin around fast and know just the right way to say "yeah" to piss people off. You have Claws that do a d4 damage, Survival Instinct for proficiency in the Survival skill, and can Hold Breath for up to an hour!

But of course there's two things we're here for: Natural Armor gives you a base AC of 17. Period. There is no way to increase this (other than wearing a shield.) Additionally you can go into a Defensive Ball Curl as an action for some Shell Defense, giving you +4 to your AC and advantage on Strength and Constitution saving throws. However while in your shell you can't move, are considered prone (meaning melee attackers have advantage against you), have disadvantage on Dexterity saving throws, and can't take reactions. The only action you can take is a bonus action to come out of your shell.

ABILITY SCORES

15; CHARISMA - Rammus has to be saying something to get everyone to attack him.

14; DEXTERITY - You need Dexterity to keep rollin'. Also Strength is largely pointless to us because... Shell.

13; CONSTITUTION - You are a tank so more health would be a good investment.

12; STRENGTH - Just because you have a thick shell doesn't mean you don't have to push some things off you at times.

10; WISDOM - Living in the deserts of Shurima means you have to fight for Survival every day, even if it's more like the desert is fighting you.

8; INTELLIGENCE - You literally have 6 voice lines.

BACKGROUND

For Desert Survival the Outlander background is pretty good. You get proficiency in Athletics but since you already have Survival proficiency you can choose a different one instead. Truthfully: pick whatever you want, because Rammus is a closed book you can make him however you want!

You also get proficiency with a language of your choice that you're not going to use, and a musical instrument! Imagine if they made a Spirit Blossom Rammus skin and he played an instrument like Yone and Yasuo.

As a Wanderer of the sands you can easily remember the layout of terrain around you, and can also find food and water for you and your allies to survive in the jungle! "Alright."

(Artwork made for Riot Games.)

THE BUILD

LEVEL 1 - ROGUE 1

Starting off as a Rogue because while Rammus may not look the part he's actually quite talented! Take proficiency in Persuasion, Deception, and Intimidation to be the master of taunts and... well you may as well take Stealth proficiency for ganking. You also get Expertise in two of those skills: I'm going to recommend Persuasion and Deception as your two "taunting" skills.

Rammus doesn't talk much because he's a master of the subtleties of Thieves' Cant, allowing him to speak without actually speaking what he means to speak. "Yeah." But of course if you gank from the jungle you can Sneak Attack for an extra d6 of damage. If you have advantage or an ally nearby you'll get this extra damage out, and your Sneak Attack increases with levels. "Okay."

LEVEL 2 - ROGUE 2

Second level Rogues can optimize their jungle clear with Cunning Action, letting them Dash, Disengage, or Hide as a Bonus Action. "Hm."

LEVEL 3 - ROGUE 3

Third level Rogues get to choose their Roguish Archetype, and to be the master of one-on-one combat look no further than the Swashbuckler. Fancy Footwork is basically the mobile feat, making it so that the enemy can't hit you with opportunity attacks after you slam into them with Powerball.

Rakish Audacity meanwhile is basically two smaller features put together into one: for one you have a bonus to initiative equal to your Charisma modifier, so you can be the first one around for a dragon fight. "Alright." Additionally if you find someone alone in the river (without an ally within 5 feet) you can sneak attack them, even if you don't have an ally nearby or advantage against them! This means you can dash into someone with Powerball and then taunt them for a Sneak Attack. Speaking of which your Sneak Attack damage increases to 2d6. "Yeh."

LEVEL 4 - ROGUE 4

4th level Rogues get their first Ability Score Improvement but Rammus isn't really meant to do damage? So grab the Durable feat for +1 to your Constitution and double the Constitution when healing during Short Rests, guaranteeing that you can heal up after a skirmisher and always be ready for a fight. "Right."

(Artwork by Kienan "Knockwurst" Lafferty. Made for Riot Games.)

LEVEL 5 - FIGHTER 1

Taking a level in Fighter for... well kinda just to get proficiency with Shields, really. +2 AC goes a long way! And the Defense Fighting Style can further increase that AC by 1, equaling a +3 to your 17 total which means... hey look at that! 20 AC! "Alright."

You also get Second Wind for a refillable potion, giving you a d10 + 1 (because we're not getting more Fighter levels) healing as a Bonus Action.

LEVEL 6 - WARLOCK 1

People say that I make too many Warlock builds, to which I say... "Yeah." First level Warlocks get to choose their Patron at level 1, and to be the rolling speed demon of the desert the Fiend Warlock is a nice, universal subclass. That's because Dark One’s Blessing will give you a burst of Triumph (temp) HP when you down an enemy equal to your Warlock level plus your Charisma modifier.

But of course what we're really here for is Pact Magic. You get two cantrips from the Warlock list: Frostbite could be reflavored as a not-quite-Frenzying Taunt because it's basically just Vicious Mockery that targets Constitution instead of Wisdom. Inversely Mind Sliver will let you soften an enemy up for an ally's big damaging abilities!

For your leveled spells Armor of Agathys shall serve as your passive of which we will get many more abilities that do the same thing. Note that Temporary Hitpoints don't stack, but as a DM I'd be willing to say that if you get a new source of Temp HP while this spell is active its duration essentially gets refreshed. Inversely if you want a more direct source of retributive damage Hellish Rebuke will cause fire damage to anyone who hits you as a reaction. "Right."

LEVEL 7 - WARLOCK 2

Second level Warlocks get to choose their Eldritch Invocations; gifts from the sands that make them better from the standard armadillo. Eldritch Mind is a surprise tool that will help us later, and you might think that we should've taken Resilient (CON) instead of Durable at level 4 to which I say... "Right." Anyways there honestly isn't that many other invocations I want until about level 5 so take what you want (Devil's Sight is never a bad thing) and we're going to keep going. You can also learn another spell but again: not much I want! Wait for...

LEVEL 8 - WARLOCK 3

3rd level Warlocks get to choose their Pact Boon and we're still a Rogue first and foremost, so Pact of the Blade is still the best choice. You can summon weapons from thin air to always be ready with spikes on your shell.

You can also learn second level spells like Blindness / Deafness to make it harder for people to hit you, and Hold Person which is like a ranged taunt.

LEVEL 9 - WARLOCK 4

4th level Warlocks get an Ability Score Improvement, and while Charisma controls most of what we do currently Dexterity still leads to kills which leads to more temp HP, so increase your DEX by 2.

You can also learn a new cantrip like Chill Touch for some Thornmail anti-healing. There are good spells at this level too (Misty Step and Mirror Image being two great ones) so take them for now but we're going to swap them out come...

(Artwork made for Riot Games.)

LEVEL 10 - WARLOCK 5

5th level Warlocks get more Eldritch Invocations! For a start we'll be taking Thirsting Blade, letting you attack twice in a round for more chances to get a kill for some healing. "Hm." We'll also be taking Cloak of Flies for Sunfire Cape, or more realistically Turbo Chemtank as CoF does Poison damage and I'm writing this build during patch 11.8 when every goddamn jungler in the game is running Turbochem.

You can also learn third level spells at this level like Spirit Shroud for a Frozen Heart that also increases the damage of your weapon, and Counterspell for some magic "resistance." "Yeh."

LEVEL 11 - WARLOCK 6

6th level Fiend Warlocks can give themselves the boost they need to make it out alright. Dark One's Own Luck lets you add a d10 to a skill check or saving throw: you're probably going to mostly be using this on saving throws but boosting ability checks can be helpful to. You can only use this ability once per Short or Long Rest however, so use it wisely, yeah?

You can also prepare another spell but again: waiting for a level!

LEVEL 12 - WARLOCK 7

7th level Warlocks get another Eldritch Invocation like... Devil's Sight? A bit late to be grabbing it (proper) now you may say, but it's a requirement for our one-two Defensive Ball Curl special!

First spell: Shadow of Moil! Along with heavily obscuring you (giving most enemies Disadvantage to hit you) any enemy that does hit you takes 2d8 Necrotic damage back!

Second spell: Fire Shield (from the Fiend Warlock list.) It creates light yes (which gets canceled out by Shadow of Moil) but you can choose between a Cold Shield (that blocks Fire damage and does Cold damage) or a Fire Shield (that blocks Cold damage and does Fire damage.) Regardless of which one you choose any attacker within 5 feet of you will take 2d8 damage (Cold or Fire depending on which shield you chose) if they try to attack you.

Here's the fun part: Fire Shield isn't concentration. That means that these spells do stack, allowing you to do 2d8 damage to anyone who misses you and 4d8 damage to anyone who hits you! I don't think I should need to explain why essentially getting a second level Chromatic Orb off every time you get hit is absolutely insane for action economy and overall DPS.

LEVEL 13 - WARLOCK 8

8th level Warlocks get another Ability Score Improvement: Dexterity is still our main "fighting" stat despite most of our levels being in a caster, so a simple +2 would cap it off to guarantee that you're doing something in a teamfight even if the enemy isn't shooting you.

You can also learn another spell like Dimension Door, which is basically a very long ranged Flash. Like, a very long ranged Flash. "Yeh."

(Artwork made for Riot Games.)

LEVEL 14 - ROGUE 5

Hopping back over to Rogue because for some reason Rogues are very good at staying alive! Uncanny Dodge is part of that, letting you reduce the damage of an incoming attack by half with your reaction! "Okay."

Your Sneak Attack damage also (finally) increases to 3d6. "Yeah."

LEVEL 15 - ROGUE 6

6th level Rogues get Expertise in two more skills. I'm actually going to suggest the two skills from your background at this point: Athletics and Survival to continue optimal jungle pathing and escape grapples.

LEVEL 16 - ROGUE 7

7th level Rogues get Evasion which feels like an oxymoron for Rammus. But here's the thing: they can't attack you with weapons without taking damage themselves, so what if they cast spells on you? Well if it's a DEX save you take half damage on a failed save, and no damage on a successful save! "Alright." Your Sneak Attack damage also increases to 4d6 at this level.

LEVEL 17 - ROGUE 8

8th level Rogues get another Ability Score Improvement, and while more Charisma means better spell saves and more Temp HP when you kill someone I'm instead going to simply suggest the Tough feat for +2 HP per overall character level you have. It's 34 health points now and a total of 40 HP by level 20. "Hm."

(Artwork by SixMoreVodka Studios. Made for Riot Games.)

LEVEL 18 - ROGUE 9

9th level Rogues finally get your goddamn Frenzying Taunt! Panache lets you make a Persuasion check against an enemy's Insight, and it works in one of two ways: if a target isn't hostile to you they're charmed by you! (I don't know what you're saying to charm them, but it's probably more than 6 voice lines.)

Alternatively if you Panache an enemy they get taunted by you, and have Disadvantage against all enemies other than you. Note that if your allies hit the taunted enemy they will lose this effect, meaning that you will have to constantly taunt them if everyone's focusing one target.

Oh and your Sneak Attack increases to 5d6 now, meaning that you actually do some good damage overall regardless of if the enemy is attacking you or not. "Hm."

LEVEL 19 - WARLOCK 9

9th level Warlocks get another Eldritch Invocation: your ultimate just got reworked, so Otherworldly Leap will let you jump into the middle of a teamfight! ...With the Jump spell...

You can also learn 5th level spells now! There's a lot of fun ones but I'm going to suggest good ol' Hold Monster. It's like Hold Person, but it works on Dragon! "Right."

LEVEL 10 - WARLOCK 10

Our final level is the 10th level of Fiend Warlock for Fiendish Resilience. Choose a damage type to gain resistance to! This doesn't work against silvered weapons, so it isn't that good against ADCs but it does give you some resistance against spellcasters. (Most literally.) You have to pick the resistance at the end of a Short or Long Rest, so it does help to know what you're going up against.

You also don't learn a spell because lol Warlocks, but you do get another cantrip! So take good ol' Prestidigitation to put on a show after reaching max level!

FINAL BUILD

PROS

Ok - I already mentioned how strong Fire Shield plus Shadow of Moil is. This damage goes against any enemy who hits you in melee, and can really hurt against multiple attacks!

Alright - You have plenty of ways to keep from getting hurt while you tank all the hits. Temp HP from Dark One's Blessing, Uncanny Dodge and Evasion, and of course 20 AC with just a shield!

Yeah - Despite not investing completely in Charisma your proficiency carries you a long way in social encounters. Just remember to say more than 6 words! (If "hmm" can even be considered a word.)

CONS

Right - All your damage is loaded against melee enemies, as you need to be in melee to hit them with Sneak Attack and both your shields only deal damage back to melee attackers. Ranged enemies are still going to suffer against your high AC and you're capable of spamming cantrips at them, but you really shine against melee bruisers.

Yeh - Only having 10 Warlock levels means that you only have two total spell slots. That's enough to cast your Defensive Ball Curl combo once. If you want to operate at maximum effectiveness you're going to need to take frequent short rests.

Hmm - Perhaps the biggest irony of Rammus is that being a Tortle doesn't really help us much. Being any other race would give you access to magic armor, as well as likely better racial features to generally be more useful overall. (Don't get me wrong: hiding in your shell is nice to boost AC but come late game the lack of movement will hurt you more than it'll help, especially since it makes you go prone.) My suggestion would be to make a Warforged for their innate +1 AC, or go for something like a Satyr or Gnome to resist magic.

But you can do okay no matter what the enemy lineup is. Hmm? You think you'll struggle, yeh? Well with the right team backing you up you'll do alright. Yeah.

(Artwork by Alvin Lee. Made for Riot Games.)

[i-write-sometimes-blog]

Cold Eyes (Dark Rey x Reader) [Part 6]

Summary: Rey takes you to her new base and show you a new and hurting side of her. Previous part.

Words: 1,721

A/N: Thank you for reading! And for wait for the update, I really enjoy working on this series and writing your request. I may be a little slow this next weeks but I'm working on them, don't worry. Hope you enjoy this chapter!

The heat was suffocating in Mustafar, the lava planet everyone had heard of in legends, though you never imagined it would be this hot. The black rock contrasted with the bright red of the magma, this planet looked like a real threat for all who set foot inside it.

As soon as you landed, Hux guided Rey and you to the old base, a castle or rather a fortress, dark, probably made with some of the rocks from this place.

“Not exactly what I was expecting” said Rey looking the tall building clearly disappointed. For the corner of your eyes you caught Hux tall figure tensing by the words of the Supreme Leader.

"Perhaps once we finish with the rebuildings it would look like in its golden days." He said doubting.

"Whatever, this will do" said Rey and walked to the entrance.

The interior was as terrible as outside, dark and very old but at least it was a little bit colder. The long halls were filled with stormtroopers and First Order's commanders each of them moved aside to let Rey passed, you behind her following closer as she ordered.

She guided you in silence for the fortress as if she knew this place like the palm of her hand. There was a really dark feeling everywhere, you felt it, you heard it, like millions of voices whispering in the air, unfamiliar voices filled with fury, regret and so much pain, all of them seemed to welcome Rey but also you to this fallen temple.

Finally you got inside an almost empty room, Rey turned around to see you face to face.

"We're finally here, Y/N" she said excited "This is where we were meant to be trained" you couldn't understand what was going on in her head but wished you knew what she was planning.

"You hear them, don't you?" She told you and you nodded "They are calling our names, we will honor them"

"I don't…" you tried to said.

"We had this talk before, Y/N. I'll be your mentor, your teacher, your master. Trust in me once you get to this side of the force you will understand who are you really mean to be".

"Is this what you're mean to be, Rey?"

"Absolutely"

She got a bit quiet for a time but then she gazed at you and walked closer to you, taking her time making your blood freeze keeping her eyes on you, she talked you in a slow and dangerous way.

"When I was a child my parents left me on a desert planet, sold me as a slave so they could have some money for alcohol" you already knew that, she had told you about it. You knew how much she wanted to find her parents and how long she waited never losing hope, she was sure they would be back. Now was different, the tone in her voice, was it anger or pain? You weren't sure.

"I waited for them every day" she continued "Worked for some food, but they didn't come back, they never would. Who sells her little daughter just so they could keep drinking?" Her voice started to cracked. "But then I joined the Resistance, and I thought I found my place, everyone was nice and there was you" she stopped in front of you and stroked over your cheek, your mind and heart racing with her touch and her gaze on you. "Oh, Y/N you were perfect. You offered me your help, you made me let my guard down taking me into your embrace, I really believed you felt something for me, what a good actress you are, my dear"

You chuckled "Feel something for you? You think I would have search for you if I didn't feel something? I thought Kylo had captured you, even tortured you, but instead I found you transformed into this" you told her feeling as if a dagger stabbed your heart. She stood silenced for a moment, the look in her eyes suddenly changed, it softed and let her face filled with surprise.

"You were searching for me?"

"I never stopped, not planning to do it now, Rey." You told her, maybe she was still there and you hoped you could bring her back to your side. "The first time I saw you, I felt something inside me beating for you. Please, it's not late. We can leave this planet, run away. Wherever you want." She glanced at you thinking, you have seen that look before, her eyes shimmered with hope once again… but then she laughed,

"Y/N, you fooled me, you really did." She told you confusing you even more. "You're good. I don't know why Leia hasn't use you as a spy instead of just fixing broken X-Wings"

"But I wasn't lying, Rey" you looked at her in the eyes. "I feel something for you, though maybe the Rey I fell in love is gone now and replaced with a monster" you growled at her, the blood boiling in your veins both with pain and a bit of anger. The first confession you told this woman and she didn't care, it broke your heart a little.

"No" she told you serious "You used me, Y/N. You just wanted to find Skywalker, just as the rest of them, but I think you were a bit smarter than them."

"You really think of me that way?"

"I don't know who to trust anymore" she said taking her hand out of your face. "Now come on, we'll come back here to train later but now, I gotta attend to a meeting."

Some time later you were sitting in a improvised control room, listening to Hux informing Rey about the things that needed to be done but also the things the First Order had succeeded. And something he said made you shiver.

"Everything is ready, Supreme Leader" he said.

"The ship?" Asked Rey

"Affirmative, the ship is already in the way to Endor. His words elicited goosebumps all over your body. If it the ship was like the last one you saw, that planet was in real danger, it meant the end of it.

"Good, if they didn't understand the message in Jakku with this, the whole galaxy is going to shiver in fear with this one" Said Rey, the crew applauded.

After the meeting Rey ordered you to stay in your new quarters, four black dark walls around you and a small mattress was barely all. In silence you walked from a side of the room to the other and then again and again. You mind trying to think in a way out of this. Endor, the new target of the First Order, they were about to destroy it, you heard it but you were stuck there, weaponless, surrounded by stormtroopers in a lava planet. The odds weren’t exactly at your favor and it made you feel impotent and weak. You wished you could so something to help the Resistance, if they knew this information you were sure they would save that innocent planet, finding a way to let them know was a must.

You sat in the edge of your bed and closed your eyes, there was something you could try. The force, always around and inside everything, it was strong in this place, dark but strong. You concentrated as much as you could, trying to reach forward, to find someone that hear your voice.

Nothing.

You couldn’t feel anybody, or maybe you weren’t ready, you had quite your training after all. Cursing you went back to your walk along the the room and then a risky idea crossed your mind, the only way to save Endor was to escape.

Taking one last deep breath you opened the door, a white armor in front of you that turned around when the door opened only to met your fist in the helmet. You stole the blaster from their hands and immediately shot at them. You ran through the dark halls of the fortress, taking some troopers from time to time but it was surprisingly empty, most of the soldiers were helping with the reconstruction so it made sense. Soon you made it to the improvised hangar, hiding behind some boxes you found a small ship you could stole and rushing as fast as you could you finally did it.

“Come on, turn on, please” you whispered as you sat in the cockpit, pushing buttons and pulling some levers as the ship’s console started to light and the engine started to rumble attracting some troopers that started to blast the ship.

The ship elevated making some of the soldiers back off, and then you were finally able to pilot it out of the hangar, leaving behind the fortress. You chuckled as you looked down to see the troopers rushing for their weapons, they could be a bit silly sometimes but then a shadow emerged from the base, a cloak covered figure of a woman, Rey. You saw her raised her hand and then the ship stopped in the air, even if when you tried to speed up there was something that just pulled the ship in the opposite direction. This was the end, Rey wouldn’t let you go that easy.

As the ship was slowly getting back you filled with panic, what would she do to you? but most important, you had failed again in help, the pain in your chest grew stronger but then you pushed a button and type ‘Endor. Tomorrow. Save them’ and send the signal to the Resistance base, if they caught the message all of this was worthy. But they could take it as a trap, a First Order message surely. They needed to know it was you.

Closing your eyes and breathing you tried again to reach someone Leia, Poe, Finn whoever as long as they could feel you.

“Y/N?” you heard a distance voice but clearly you were connecting with him. “Y/N, where are you?” said a echoe of Finn’s voice.

“Save them” you whispered with your eyes closed before you felt the connecting breaking and the ship landing.

A handful of troopers entered to the ship and held your arms to guide you outside where she was waiting for you.

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[the-firebird69]

Watch "Five Finger Death Punch- Bad Company" on YouTube

There's a point to all this that there are several people who don't know what they're doing in this business. These people are not some of them. There's a bunch of horrible things that happen to people and it goes on and on but nobody really gets anything out of it and our son doesn't get a damn thing from these people at all they want tons of money for tons of inventions they're suing the s*** out of him and the end they want to tell him he's nobody so they keep on doing it. We're hoping it is leaving has a change it makes a change happen he'll be able to hear the idiot inside their own head and they'll see it on CAT scans and EKG or whatever you call it and it's going to happen shortly because these people are leaving already they build their ships and they're out of the way and they're told to it's a good idea cuz if you go in this huge mass people going to bother you think you're coming to the states so they're moving fast and they got that too because it works and it's not they don't really care as much and they're zooming out there and they're coming back for people of theirs so we're in high alert make sure they don't take anybody with them that's us and there are a bunch of people who are wondering why I'm posting this and they keep asking and here it is you don't have enough time to explain everything to you but we'd like to explain this it has to do with what our son is doing tonight for food and we think it's not enough and he thinks it's not enough but he's going to try to eat something else but he has to eat that meat and we know he does we're getting ready for an assault here and we need him to try and eat other stuff too and he will later on and good so we're going ahead with it and can of beans is probably good we'll see how it works and we do not understand what he's saying so we are having fun with them no you can't stand you you're a huge assholes and we need you to stop talking like right now and all sudden they stopped now they're going on and on so we're going to come in and stop you but this has to do with his brother this is what it looks like in the future in Tennessee because of you people it looks like iraq and it looks like the desert. So we put up with a bunch of flack and start seeing it out there and see you probably should shut your mouth you're not stupid it looks like we're not there and they said oh it's closed and so that's one thing and we have a lot of secondary systems and those things up there are pretty big they looked around and they couldn't see anything because there's too much dust and wind and will point out where they are and they say we better watch out I said yeah you better watch out like don't see the stupid s*** it's annoying as hell and at about 4 or 5,000 miles you're within range if you're on the ground and they're a lot closer than that so they got spooked and said why don't we remember that you said you're closing it out of memory but he just wants you to stop talking so they're driving along and they started babbling so much we said turn them around and scrub the mission and so just cut your calm going to teach them to shut up I'm kind of triggered it but wow they're all walking around saying we're not anywhere and it's right there so here's what I said he's right these people are f****** assholes so we cut their calm and they're driving around going how are we going to get out of here with no gas they're trying to find gas and it's not to find and they found something and they're using their cars and trucks going are chugging and chugging and they're fuel injected and for the desert they said boy these people are stupid so they finally got to the edge of the desert and they found some gas and put it in and the trucks died they wouldn't work they had to find a calm so they're doing that and they said this is how it is cuz you're tired of hearing this they cut the calm and it was enough and they went out and they went to rip s*** on everybody for doing it and said they're out there now and so they went out there and they never came back

Thor Freya