#if this was a conversation about fearing losing a sense of self to the titans and their connection it would make more sense but like

[solasfenheral]

i thought I might’ve been misremembering the compassion route!companion quest but like. idk man this just rubs me the wrong way. What do you MEAN it’s no longer their time, they’re still alive, they’re still in pain and confused and trying to seek out their lost children and torn from their dreams what do you MEANNNNNNN!!!!!!

[mountphoenixrp]

We have a new citizen in Mount Phoenix:

           Hades, the Greek God of the Underworld.            He is currently unemployed.

FC NAME/GROUP: Leo - VIXX GOD NAME: Hades PANTHEON:  Greek OCCUPATION: None at the moment HEIGHT: 187cm / 6'1ft  DEFINING FEATURES: 2 tattoos: skeleton key on his right arm, bident down his spine.

PERSONALITY: Tired, is the first word that will leave Hades’ lips whenever someone asks him how he’s doing. And there’s some truth to that single word reply, but the fact is that he doesn’t quite knows how to put his feelings into words, even less with strangers. Hades can be considered what in modern times is called an introvert, and a loner, keeping mostly to himself and going through his day to day. If he doesn’t crosses paths with another living being throughout the day, he will consider it a good day.

This doesn’t means that he will push people away, or that he won’t help those in need, the world is mistaken when they claim Hades is a cruel and conceited God. He has a strong sense of justice that keeps him from looking away when things need to be set back into the right path. It might be quite a task to get him to open up, even more to befriend him, but once one manages to get on his good side, he can become quite a loyal and valuable friend.

HISTORY: Hades suffered a terrible upbringing alongside his siblings, when his Titan father swallowed them at birth, terrified of a prophecy claiming he would be dethroned. Fear that became a reality when the youngest one, Zeus, helped free them from the entrails of their father, and he, alongside his older brothers Hades and Poseidon, were able to cast away the Titan, and rule over the skies, the earth, the waters and underworld. Call it bad luck, or perhaps fate, but Hades ended up becoming the Ruler of the Underworld, King of the Death, Lord of Riches. His main responsibility, to make sure that those Souls that didn’t belong to the Mortal Realm anymore, found their way to the Realm Beyond they deserved to be, as well as keeping those dark forces lurking in the shadows from getting out and harming innocent humans.

His close connection with the dead, the lost souls and a taboo realm were soon to provoke a misunderstanding, Hades was claimed to be a cruel and evil God, worthy of being feared. This proved to be somewhat of a positive outcome for the God that was better of alone. This exile caused him to lose on many events happening on Earth, prevented him from taking sides on needless wars, and allowed him to continue fulfilling his duty of guiding souls through the Underworld.

Through the ages, Hades became a supporting character in other’s fabulous quests, finding himself in the middle of situations created by other Deities. He wasn’t above helping others that needed him, whenever he felt it was right, Hades has a strong Sense of Justice thus in his eyes there’s not an evil nor a good path, just a righteous one that shall be respected. Whether it was lending his own Divine Items, or punishing those that deserve it, Hades will intervene in a way that will bring the situation back to it’s rightful balance.

But now, long gone is the age of Gods, and the humans that once worshiped them have forgotten about them, believe now they were always just a myth. Unlike many of the others, Hades never needed humans’ belief and prayers to survive, and he continued to Rule over the Underworld and fulfill his duty through centuries, occasionally returning to Earth out of curiosity, but keeping his human interaction at minimum. Personal bonds have never being a priority of his, but it can become quite the lonely life. Hades is not sure when, or from who, did he hear about Mount Phoenix, the Island kept on popping up in conversations he eavesdropped, and after a long time in self isolation he decided to take the chance at as much of a normal life as someone like him could have.

Hades’ arrival to the Island was kept under wraps, he didn’t want any fanfare he strongly believes he’s not worthy of. Being almost a forgotten God means he is not familiar with many of the other Deities there are, but his objective regarding his life in the island is of slowly living a fulfilling life that is more than just what he was ( forcefully ) entrusted to him, even if he has never forgotten about his responsibility and continues to Rule over the Underworld, from a different location.

POWERS: Necromancy, control over the Underwold and its subjects, Immortality, Invisibility thanks to the Helm of Darkness, complete obedience from canidae. STRENGTHS: Patient, Responsible, Diligent, Strong sense of Justice. WEAKNESSES: Socially awkward, Humorless, Callous.

[erzaguin]

Huntmira After: Chapter 2

This is also available in Wattpad and Ao3.

“I’m scared,” mumbled Steve. “The look in her eyes is really unsettling.” 

"Why does she keep side eyeing us?"

"I don't think she's looking at us."

“Her laugh is creeping me out. I don't know how much longer I can take this.”

“Captain, maybe you should say something” suggested one of the guards in a hushed tone. 

It had been hours since the masquerade ball had ended. All of the guests had already left and they had been assigned with clean up duty with Kikimora supervising them. Although currently all of the guards were feeling extremely uncomfortable due to her current behavior.

She kept mumbling under her breath too fast and low for them to make out what she was saying. She kept looking around almost like she was expecting someone to jump out at her. She had an almost crazed look in her eyes which made her sudden bursts of laughter seem maniacal. The guards were afraid that she had finally lost it and would randomly attack one of them.

The captain looked at the other guards who looked completely disheveled by their commander's odd behavior. She let out a sigh before making her way to Kikimora. She was responsible for every individual in her unit which also included Kikimora. It was her duty to make sure everyone was ok no matter how much she didn't want to.

She cleared her throat to get Kikimora's attention "Ma'am…"

“Hehehe this is so wonderful?! The Golden Guard made a complete fool of himself.” giggled Kikimora “Did you see? One dance with a girl he just met and he turns into a complete fool. He was so embarrassed after I pointed out he had lipstick on his helmet that he went to hide in his room" laughed Kikimora.

So that's why she's been acting so weird. Kikimora always seems to lose herself when it comes to matters involving the Golden Guard. Though she was right about one thing after the dance the Golden Guard disappeared and nobody has seen him since. 

 "After tonight I’m sure Emperor Belos will realize how incompentet that  brat is and how I am clearly far superior." gleed Kikimora who looked to be doing a little jig. "You'll see that come tomorrow I'll be promoted!"

Hunter

"I can't believe that happened. Wait what if it didn't happen and it was all in my head" mumbled Hunter to himself as he continued pacing back and forth in his room. 

It had already been some time since the ball had ended and he still had a hard time believing that he had spent most of the night dancing with Em. He couldn't help but blush whenever he recalled the events of the night. 

"I can't believe I kissed her" the sudden realization almost completely filled him with dread. 

"What if she thinks I'm a creep now? She's probably mad at me," he was interrupted by a chirping sound coming from the small red feathered bird sitting on his bed.

Hunter's expression visibly softened at the sound of his companion. 

"You're right she did kiss me back," he said as he smiled to himself. "I still can't believe you tagged along."

In response he received more chirping sounds from his small friend. The little rascal had followed Hunter without him noticing. It wasn't until he had jumped on Hunter's head to meet Emira that he found out he had tagged along. Apparently he has been very excited to meet her after hearing Hunter speaking about her.

"You and I need to have a conversation about boundaries some time" noted Hunter as he took a seat on the bed next to his friend. 

". . .So do you think she likes me?" asked Hunter looking down at his boots so his friend couldn't see his eyes.

The question earned him a sharp peck to the head from his companion who seemed to be angry at Hunter's self doubt. He had never really liked seeing Hunter being down and now that he could understand him he made no attempt to hold back his opinions.

"Ouch ok I get it no need to be so aggressive." said Hunter as he nursed his head. 

His companion settled back down on the bed and started chirping away. Scolding Hunter for doubting Emira’s feelings for him especially after tonight. 

He had to give it to the little guy he really knew how to get through to him. He really helped in keeping negative thoughts away. 

Hunter took a deep breath to steady himself and released it. "You're right buddy, thanks," he said as he gave the little bird a gentle pat on his head. 

Just then there was a sudden knock on the door which sent the little palisman into hiding. It was important that nobody found out about the palisman. If Emperor Belos where to find him no Hunter did not even want to think about that. 

"Who is it?" responded Hunter after making sure his friend was out of sight. 

From the other side of the door came a voice that stated "Sir Emperor Belos wishes to speak to you." Hunter relaxed once he realized it was just a guard. 

Even though he had already changed into his regular uniform hours ago he still made sure that he looked presentable before stepping towards the door. If he was going to meet with Emperor Belos he had to make sure that everything was in order.

 Hunter opened the door to find one of the guards standing there doing his best not to make eye contact with him. "Thanks you are dismissed" said Hunter in an authoritative tone.

The guard, who seemed to have been startled by Hunter opening the door forcefully and closing it quickly behind him, gave Hunter an awkward solute before scurrying off. What can you expect even if he was young he was still Emperor Belos' right hand man. A lot of the guards felt intimidated being in his presence and Hunter’s deminor did not help to ease their nerves about him. 

As Hunter made his way to his uncle's throne room he kept thinking about how upset he must be. He was not surprised that his uncle had called for him. In fact he had been expecting it. He had completely disappeared after his first dance with Emira and never came back to his post. 

"Way to fo Hunter he probably thinks you were too embarrassed to come back out" thought Hunter to himself as he came face to face with the doors of his uncle's room. He was about to knock on the door before stopping. In that instant he was completely consumed by the sudden sense of dread. The realization that Emperor Belos might be angry at him had just hit him. He could be in serious trouble. What if he retaliated against Emira? He knew who she was? If his uncle was mad enough at him he could do it and get away with it. No, he had to make sure to keep her safe. Even if it meant never being able to see her again. 

He was brought back by the sound of the door in front of him opening. The small surge of defines he had felt at the thought of Emira getting hurt was completely overtaken by the fear he felt at that moment. 

“Come in Hunter” came a voice from inside the room.

Hunter hesitated for a moment before making his way inside and closing the door behind him.

“Come let me take a good look at you” said Belos as he becond his nephew forward. He was not wearing his mask anymore. He was dressed in his casual robes which was rare to see. Hunter always felt more comfortable speaking to his uncle when he did not have the mask on so seeing him now made his nerves settle a little. He made his way forward to his uncle who placed his hands on his shoulders. 

“So, you had your first kiss” noted Belos with a warm smile on his face and an almost childish joy in his eyes. Hunter felt his face grow warm and found himself at a loss for words. But just as fast he felt the blood drain out of his body.. Was he teasing him? How did he know that he had kissed Emira? Ed had created an illusion so that nobody could see them. How did he know? Did he see? Does he know about my palisman too? 

“I would not have thought you would have become smitten after just one dance and a kiss on your helmet” teased his uncle. “You know after that dance you disappeared but I couldn’t help but notice that so did she. Tell me, did you return to the party?” he asked with a raised eyebrow. 

If someone were to enter the room at this moment  they might have interrupted this as a tender moment between him and his uncle but the tension Hunter was feeling was so intense he could hardly breath. He was not sure if the kiss his uncle meant was the one Emira had given him in front of everyone. How much did his uncle know? Lying to him would be dangerous especially if he knew more than what he was letting on. Besides, Hunter had never been able to lie to him. 

“I..um… yes I did” started Hunter feeling his face growing hot again. “I wanted to ask her to dance not as the Golden Guard but as Hunter.” he mumbled, unable to make eye contact with his uncle. “Her brother created an illusion to keep us concealed and we ended up dancing for the rest of the night.” Hunter tried to focus all of his concentration on keeping his breathing steady.

“I see well I am glad that you followed my order to have fun” he said, placing a hand on Hunter's head, “but i'm sure that dancing was not the only thing you did.” added his uncle in a tone that made Hunter’s veins turn to ice. His mind was racing trying to come up with a response for his uncle but his thoughts were suddenly interrupted by his uncle ruffling his hair as he let out a warm laugh. 

“So you really did get your first kiss tonight?” he continued to laugh as he made his way to take a seat on his throne. “I have to hand it to you, you really do know how to follow an order.”

Hunter was beginning to feel light headed due to the emotional whiplash. He could never read his Uncle. Talking to him always felt like he was treading through a minefield filled with live and fake bombs.

“You know when I said that I wanted for you to stay safe it was not to punish you but to keep you out of harm's way. The titan has big plans for you Hunter so until the day of unity arrives you have to stay safe. So starting tomorrow you will be reassigned.” noted Belos in a somber tone. 

“But sir,” started Hunter but stopped as soon as his uncle lifted a hand signaling silence. “As I was saying, starting tomorrow your new mission will be to find the Blight girl..." Hunter felt his heart drop at his uncle's mention of Emira. A thousand thoughts filled his head in that instant but he clenched his fists in an attempt to restrain himself.  “...and ask her out on a date.” finished Belos with a soft smile on his face.

“Sir?” Hunter’s mind was spinning. Did he hear that right? No that couldn't be. Did his uncle just order him to ask Emira on a date?  

“Who knows how many days of peace we will know once the day of unity arrives. Go enjoy the few days you have left. Now go it’s late and I need my rest.” stated Belos as he dismissed Hunter. 

“Yes Emperor Belos,” responded Hunter with a bow before quickly making his way. He walked back to his room in a daze trying to make sense of what had just happened. Was he that disappointed in him that he no longer wanted to send him on missions? Or did he honestly want to keep him safe and happy. This was very unlike his uncle and Hunter was sure that there had to be a bigger motive for his actions. 

Upon reaching his room he confided in his palisman everything that had happened with his uncle. The small bird convinced Hunter to not overthink things and to ask Emira out on a date. 

“I don't know, it doesn't feel right to just send her a message. What do you think?”

The small bird responded to this with a few chirping sounds. 

“That’s actually a really good idea. I think she would like that a lot.” noted Hunter as he took out a pen and paper to write a letter to Emira. 

Once he was done he attached the letter to the small palismans foot. 

“Ok buddy I’m counting on you.”

[jeankirstein4ever]

hihi i hope you're doing well! can i get a matchup the gender doesnt really matter. i use he/they prns btw.

personality categories (idk what to call them) scorpio, intp 5w4, chaotic neutral, and my hogwarts house is slytherin if that matters.

Im a pretty introverted person and will only talk to ppl that i am friends with, even then if we arent really good friends i still wont talk to you unless you spark conversation because i dont like bothering ppl. My sense of humor is mostly sarcastic and dirty. Im also mean as a joke but, i only am to ppl i know who are comfortable with it bc i dont want ppl to genuinely be hurt by anything i say (making ppl uncomfortable/annoyed is my worst fear ngl). i have random burst of energy which usually makes me rant about literally any topic i can come up with. some bad things about my personality tho is i do have a lot of self doubt. its not that i hate myself i just believe that ill never live up to other ppls expectations. its also hard for me to believe someone actually enjoys my presence.

some of my hobbies are dancing, watching anime, gaming, and watching random science vids that pop up on my youtube recommended.

I look for humor and intelligence in a partner. especially humor because i dont take things seriously unless its something im interested in or its a serious issue. also intelligence because i like ranting about things and getting good feedback and thought provoking responses/questions whether the topic is serious or not, and understanding because i will admit im not the easiest person to be with.

my love language is mostly physical touch

im black, 5'3, have short ear length hair (i keep them it in mini twist), im curvy, have sharper features on my face, and have dark skin

random stuff: my fav music genres are alternative rock, rap, hyper pop, r&b, and kpop. my current favorite song is Pretty little birds by SZA and not allowed by TV girl. i also used to do ballet and i love it so much

Aot Matchups

A/n I love these so much, thank you for your ask

I match you with Levi

Levi and you are an all or nothing relationship, the second you two start dating it's all-consuming and absolutely everything

Levi was never one for affection of any kind let alone physical but when you sat down and talked about the things that made you feel loved he made sure to try and incorporate physical affection even in the smallest forms.

After a little while into your guys relationship when you started getting a bit more comfortable you started giving him little kisses on the forehead which he loved more than anything else in the world.

Before missions he would always pull you aside into his office before hugging your for dear life while muttering sweet nothings in your ear, “I love you, you know that right? You mean the world to me, if anything happens I need you to know that.”

When you got injured on a mission, he lost all self-control, this man is a killing machine on a good day but when he thought you were gone the world deserved to burn. Every titan he came across was slaughtered in a matter of seconds.

On the other hand when he found out you were fine, he fucking broke “I thought you were dead, I-I thought I lost you.”

“Baby, you're never losing me”

PET NAMES, this man will fucking die if you call him “baby” or “honey” he loves it so much.

Levi doesn't like PDA in the slightest but if someone tries to get a little too flirty like Petra (sorry Petra) he will purposely kiss you or wrap his arm around your waist In front of them as long as your comfortable with it.

He loves your dirty jokes, even if they're not the best it'll still earn a grin maybe even a chuckle.

YOUR HAIR, he loves it so much. I can't emphasize how much he loves your hair, it's one of his favorite things about you.

He adores your laugh, the first time her heard it was after his own attempt at a dirty joke causing you to spend a solid five minutes laughing your ass off.

He thought it sounded angelic

Mood board:

Playlist :

Love song - The Cure

This side of paradise - Coyote Theory

Hate Yourself - TV Girl

When Am I Gonna Lose You - Local Natives

Corduroy Dreams - Rex Orange County

July - Sir Chloe

Always Forever - Cults

Sanctuary - Joji

Alrighty Aphrodite - Peach pit

3005 - Childish Gambino

Love Letter :

Darling, I love you. I cant say enough , nor can I ever get tired of you saying the same. You loved me, I am loved. By you of all people, wonderful angelic you. In case I don't get a chance to tell you this, or in case I don't say it before we leave, you're my everything, all I've ever needed or wanted. I plan on marrying you , maybe not right now but soon. There's a ring in my office drawer, I almost proposed last night. I'm worried that I m moving to fast and somehow every time I get worried, you find a way to reassure me that I'm not. Just as I will always do for you. I don't know if you remember this but the first night you stayed in my room you fell asleep muttering "please don't leave me." Darling there is nothing in this world that could separate me from you. I am with you always and forever.

[aspoonofsugar]

Well, since this is very relevant.

Could we have a post about how Mikasa and Ymir foil each other?

This discourse has been pretty common recently that attack on titan's last chapter conveys the message that be selfish and you will be happy. Mostly, they mean that the most selfless person mikasa ended up losing her most precious one and has been alone for 3 years while historia one of the most selfish people saved herself and allowed eren to murder so many people. She didn't inform any of her friends who could have stopped eren. For her silence about genocide she is rewarded with happiness, a family and some real power on the island. I can't help but agree that while eren was killed for his selfishness, historia was rewarded for her selfishness.

Hello anons,

About Mikasa and Ymir, I like @midnight-in-town’s take here.

In general, I would say Historia, Mikasa and Ymir all touch on the idea of selfishness and selflessness.

What is more, Ymir herself is not really a fleshed out character, but more of a thematic/plot device that works well for the theme, but lacks any real psychology or depth.

In short, Ymir is compared to Historia many times throughout the story, but in the end she finds her salvation in Mikasa.

Why is that so?

It has to do with the theme of selflessness and selfishness and how it plays with the idea of “self”.

Ymir is thought by others to be selfless. This is how Historia’s book describes her and Historia is even told to be like her. Her background seems to confirm this since we are shown she is a slave and a scapegoat. Morevoer, she stays as a slave throughout all her life and is one even in death.

However, as the story goes on some cracks start to be shown in this narrative. In the end, Ymir was the one who fred the pigs and in the last chapter we discover she was actually in love with King Fritz. This explains why she sacrificed her life to save him and how she tried to escape him through dying. At the same time, it means that Ymir was actually pretty selfish.

In the end, if Ymir were less focused on her personal feelings for one individual, then a lot of tragedies could have been avoided.

In other words, Ymir is presented as selfless, but she is deep down incredibly selfish. She is the same as Christa Lenz, who acts selflessly, but for selfish reasons. Christa’s persona actually contrasts Historia, who is selfish, but can act selflessly in a more genuine way.

Why is that so?

It is because selfishness is born from a very frail sense of self. This is why in snk selfish characters are actually all revealed to be “children” inside. This is the case for Eren, for example, and this might also be why symbolically Ymir is still a child in the paths. They are all characters who are struggling with their selves. They are characters who can’t stand on their own two feet. This is why Historia’s self-affirmation in the Uprising Arc leads her to become a good queen and to help others more effectively than her superficial and self-centered attempts as Christa Lenz.

It is because only if you have a solid enough self you can act selflessly, even if it is harsh. This is why Mikasa killing Eren, which is a big sacrifice is not conveyed as a negation of the self, but as an affirmation of it.

This is also why Historia’s big selfish act in the finale arc (to protect herself and to sacrifice the world) is actually a negation of the self. I am quoting from the meta linked above:

The point of Historia’s arc was not to become a selfish girl, who would sacrifice others for her sake. The point of her arc was to live not for others, but for herself. She had to become proud of who she was. This is why since the cave she has been trying to live pridefully. However, here Eren is using the words, which were symbolic of her change, to ask her to fulfill another role for him. Eren wants Historia to be a “bad girl”, but this is not qualitatively different from being a “good girl”. It is just a different adjective and a different role, but it is still a role. It is still not what Historia wants. Historia does not want a genocide, but she seems to be giving in to the fear for her future and to the feelings Eren’s words provoke in her.

Historia giving in to Eren’s request is actually her negating herself. It is her going against her promise to Ymir. She had promised to Ymir she would have lived with pride. However, here she is giving up on pride and accepting another role (the role of bad girl) becauseEren is asking her. This is why she is totally unable to affect things in the finale arc and this is why she is instead shown miserable throughout it.

Historia and Eren’s conversation can be compared with Mikasa and Eren’s one in chapter 138 instead. Let’s highlight that Mikasa does not kill Eren because he asks her too. Moreover, she actually refuses Eren’s request to forget about him. Mikasa’s answer to Eren is literally a “No”. In contrast, Historia’s answer to Eren is a heartbroken “Yes”.

So, Mikasa frees Ymir because she shows Ymir she can love, but also be her own person. And once Ymir is shown this she is able to finally affirm herself (ending the curse) through acting selflessly (freeing everyone).

Imo Mikasa and Historia’s ending in chapter 139 are seen out of context. Mikasa’s ending is not a bad one and Historia’s not a happy one.

Mikasa acted selflessly in the final arc and this is why she is given time for herself after the battle. Armin covers for her, so she can grieve in peace. She is outside the public life and can live peacefully as she has always wanted. She has literally no responsibilities to fulfill because she has already given enough. With time, she will overcome grief and will be able to start a new life free.

Historia acted selfishly in the final arc and this is why she has to help more in the aftermath. She must be one of the architects of the new world. She must protect her family, her friends (among whom Mikasa herself) and their loved ones. She has a lot on her shoulders. Luckily, the fact that she is not stuck in a horrible conundrum anymore means she has time to heal and to go back to who she had become in the cave. She can find herself once again and help people with her power.

In short, many takes of Historia getting everything and Mikasa getting nothing seem to me as if people are forcing their ideas of everything and nothing on the characters. Historia still being the Queen and having some kind of power does not matter because Historia has never wanted to be Queen to begin with. Similarly, Mikasa not being recognized as a hero does not matter because Mikasa does not want that anyway. She wants time to heal and to live peacefully.

Is this reading I am offering perfect? Not at all because I personally think Historia’s plot-line was not handled well.

This ask I have received explains why:

I think Eren’s character holds very well even after the final chapter but there’s one thing i’m not able to reconcile and that is his goal.

Eren tells Armin that he wanted them to stop him and become heroes. And also to end the titan curse. Armin says that that’s the future he saw at the medal ceremony so it seems like Eren’s had this plan since before the timeskip.

Basically Eren never intended to kill ALL of his enemies.

But so then, in his POV chapters (130 and 131), in his monologues and in his conversation with Historia, he talks about having to kill everyone and about the cycle of violence.

Doesn’t make sense why he would do that and to also not just tell Historia his actual plan of ending the titan curse and making the Alliance heroes.

Hope you can make sense of this because i don’t think Isayama would have such a major contradiction or a retcon after only 8 chapters.

First of all, to the anon’s actual question. Eren still kills 80% of humanity. It is still a genocide and he explains that it is still this genocide that makes an immediate retaliation impossible. In short, him killing 80% of humanity instead than all humanity does not change much in relation to the scenes you talked about.

It is still a genocide a part of Eren wants to do, as he himself explains. He still believes the cycle of violence will never end. So there is no contradiction here. Moreover, Eren saw a future he thought as unavoiable, so it is not that he had a plan. He simply acted to arrive to the ending he saw and adapted his own ideology and wishes to it. In general, I like this anon’s thoughts on him.

What I think is convoluted and also illogical is the way he approaches the topic with Historia. As you say anon, he could have told her the truth. Making her believe he is going to kill all of humanity and to manipulate her memories is needlessly cruel. Moreover, it does not make sense to be honest. This happens because Isayama could not reveal the ending too soon. However, I think the whole matter should have been handled better.

Thank you for the asks anons and I hope this helped!

[lonelyghosts-stuff]

(MCU) Loki Laufeyson/Odinson Character History and Analysis

(WARNING: Contains spoilers from Thor, The Avengers, Thor: The Dark World, Thor: Ragnarok, and The Avengers: Infinity War. Additionally, this is SUPER LONG.

Word Count: 3,795

Some people may view Loki as simply a black and white character in terms of morality. Some may say he's "selfish" or "power hungry" or "evil" or even "uncaring". Some directors may even falsely attribute ideas of being "a spoiled rich kid" or "over dramatic" or having been "trying to kill his brother his whole life" to Loki. But these couldn't be further from the truth. Throughout the Thor franchise (much more diluted in the 3rd Thor thanks to the bias and lack of care or sensitivity from one particular director) and within his appearances in the Avengers films, we see Loki display a wide range of emotion and multi-layered complexity. He struggles with depression, PTSD, extreme fear of failure, being an outcast, and utter brokenness of one's self. Loki is a multifaceted character who has had an immense growth over his years on the screen and allusions to experiences in the past. Loki is not just an "evil", "two-dimensional", "boring", "selfish", "Draco Malfoy-esque" (no offense Draco, I love you too, but this ain't about you), character. He is so much more.

He’s a broken and desperate man who only wanted recognition from his father. This drove him to sabotaging Thor’s coronation to give him more time to prove himself. But when he found out his true parentage, he was broken. Suddenly, in his mind, everything made sense as to why Odin favored Thor over him; not only was he not truly the son of Odin, but he was a “monster”.

Suddenly, the stakes are raised as he feels like he know has to try even harder than before. He goes from making calm and calculated decisions to some desperate and reckless decisions. Thor is out of the way, so he believes he already has a slight advantage. Unfortunately, Thor starts to cause a ruckus on earth. Loki is panicking. He sends the destroyer after him, to destroy him; something he has never done before. He has never gone this far before. He’s not himself anymore; the cumulation of years and years of being in his shadow, untrusted, not knowing why he can’t be equal with his brother (why caused him to do pranks and other mischievous things as, in his eyes, negative attention was better than no attention), all of this building up until it finally overflowed with the events of the first Thor movie finally putting him over the edge. And even then, when Thor is right there to quickly kill with a beam from the destroyer, Loki goes for the backhand. It could still kill him, yes, but emphasis on ‘could’. He is still angry and wanting Thor out of his way, but he can’t bring himself to just so easily get rid of him. Especially not after Thor’s speech to him.

When Thor manages to defeat the destroyer, Loki is thrust into his plan even quicker than before. Trick the frost giants, the Jötunns, the biggest enemy of Asgard at the time, into coming into the palace under the guise of being led to kill Odin. Of course it was never Loki’s intention to have them kill Odin. Even when Odin’s death could solidify his position on the throne; it Odin was killed, no one would be in Loki’s way to claim the throne forever, but the truth is, he didn’t want the throne. He only wanted to be Thor’s equal. So, within the presence of the All-Father in his All-Sleep, Loki killed Laufey. This not only proves that Loki could do what Thor could not, but it also is Loki’s way of showing Odin that he is nothing like the other Jötunns. Unfortunately for Loki’s plan, Thor manages to arrive just in time. Loki’s life is constantly breaking before him; now in front of his own mother, Frigga, the only one who Loki felt truly loved him and held him in the same standing as Thor, saw his plan fall apart.

Loki’s suddenly finding himself desperately fighting with Thor. Something not too new to him, he’s fought him and fought alongside him throughout their childhood and time growing up, but it’s never been like this. Loki needs to prove himself. He can’t let anything stop him no matter what. If he destroys Jötunnheim, Odin will finally accept him, right? But Thor is refusing to truly fight Loki. He doesn’t want to fight his brother. He wants things to go back to normal aside from Thor’s newfound perspective on life. Loki knows this about Thor and know that the only way to bring back the reckless Thor from before is to bring up the woman whom he sees as responsible for his brother going soft. Getting under Thor’s skin, their fight ensues. In the end, Loki gets pinned down by Mjølnir but sees he’s plan to destroy Jötunnheim unfolding. There’s nothing that can stop it.

But then... Thor does the unthinkable. He starts destroying the bifrost. Loki is shocked and immensely confused. Why would his brother be doing this? Why is he trying so hard to stop him and save Jötunnheim, even at the expense of never seeing Jane Foster again? Thor manages to succeed in destroying the bifrost, saving Jötunnheim from destruction. The brothers find themselves in a precarious situation as Loki is clinging onto All-Father’s spear, held by Thor, trying desperately not to fall into the collapsing bifrost. When it seems all is lost, none other than Odin shows up to save them. In a final, desperate act to prove himself to Odin, he proclaims “I could have done it, Father! I could have done it! For you! For all of us!” But what response does he get from Odin? Simply “No, Loki.” Suddenly, Loki feels empty. Defeated. Pointless. He lets go. He falls into the collapsing bifrost expecting and accepting his certain fate of demise. But that wasn’t the last he’s heard of.

To Loki’s unfortunate luck, he falls into the grasp of the Mad Titan, Thanos. Promised power and a planet to rule, Loki is equipped with the scepter containing the mind stone. Not much is known about what exactly occurs during Loki’s time with Thanos, but needless to say, it leaves him gaunt, weakened, exhausted, and appearing to have been burned. Loki is instructed to locate and obtain the Tesseract on earth and return it to Thanos. The Other reminds Loki of the consequences should he fail, “If you fail, if the Tesseract is kept from us, there will be no realm, no barren moon, no crevice where he can not find you. You think you know pain? He will make you long for something as sweet as pain.” Loki arrives on earth. More desperate than he’s ever been in his entire life. Furthermore, warped and twisted in the head. This scepter grants him dominion over the minds of others, just through slight contact on the chest.

Unbeknownst to Loki, the effects of the scepter are not limited to touch. It’s affecting him too. Amplifying Loki’s own desires to rise up and prove himself capable of ruling, capable of what his brother is supposed to be entrusted to do. This, combined with the threats and looming consequences that weigh on his mind drive him beyond himself. He’s no longer Loki Odinson. He’s Loki, and he his burdened with glorious purpose.

As the events of The Avengers (2012) unfold, we see glimpses into Loki’s mindset. We see him determined and twist looking. He’s enjoying it. He’s enjoying the attention and the recognition. He is feared. He is a force to be reckoned with. Everything is going to plan. There’s a group trying to come after him? Well that’s no biggie, he knows of the beast inside of Bruce banner. He’s confident he can take them down. Captured in Stuttgart, everything seems to be fixed in the eyes of the Avengers, but Loki knows otherwise. Of course his brother Thor has to pop by and pull him from the situation. We see Thor desperately pleading with Loki to come back home. But Asgard isn’t Loki’s home; not anymore. Thor manages to get under Loki’s skin a bit when he mentions that someone else must be controlling him. “Who showed you this power? Who controls the would-be-king?” Even Thor knows that this is beyond his brother, beyond what he would ever do in a normal headspace. What Thor saw of Loki in the first Thor shocked him as well. This is not the Loki he knows. When things seem to be escalating and Thor appears to be ready to start a lecture, Thor is sent flying form a tackle from Iron Man. Iron Man, Thor, and Captain America have a brief fight in the woods below Loki, all the while Loki waits. He waits; he doesn’t try to run, he’s waiting because he needs to follow through with his plan.

When the three avengers stop their fighting and come to a resolve, Loki finds himself being brought on board a massive helicarrier and locked into a secure cell. All according to plan. What he’s not aware of is the scepter having effects on the avengers while their conversation devolves into arguing; they too are affected by the scepter’s proximity based effects. Soon enough, he is visited by one Natasha Romanoff, surprisingly to him as she manages to approach without his knowing. But he knows all about her thanks to Clint Barton. He knows how to attack her weak points, he knows her past and her dark secrets. He’s reveling in the power he feels even within a cell. But when he thinks he’s fully gotten to her, she pauses. She knows his plan to use the Hulk... but how? Now he’s confused but also intrigued. He’s not too worried though as things are still going to plan. The Hulk is unleashed and Hawkeye follows through with the plan. Loki is able to send his brother Thor down from the sky after tricking him into the cell. This Loki does so without hesitation; he laughs at the prospect of his brother’s potential demise. This is not the Loki we knew. Loki makes his escape, losing Hawkeye in the process, and gets to Stark Tower to initiate the final phase of his plan.

Fast forward and the portal is opening. Of course, Thor stops by and crashes his moment. But not the way you might expect. Despite what Loki has done, Thor still approaches him with compassion and love and the desire for him to return home with him. He wants Loki to see what he’s done, he still has hope that this isn’t truly Loki or his desires.

Thor angrily chastises Loki, “Look at this! Look around you! You think this madness will end with your rule?”

Loki looks around, fear and shock within his eyes as if he can’t believe what he’s doing. He simply responds, “It’s too late. It’s too late to stop it.”

Thor hopes this is his chance to bring Loki back. “No. We can, together.”

For a moment, it seems like Loki might come back, but he doesn’t. Any hope for himself he has in his eyes is squandered. He really believes he’s “come to far for anything else.” He’s still twisted from the scepter. His thoughts are only of his twisted desire for power and the overwhelming, looming threats of what would come if he fails. He stabs Thor, but not anywhere that could be fatal. He states one thing with an uncertain and wicked smile “sentiment.” He doesn’t stick around to try and kill him either. When Thor gets back up and tries to fight, Loki simply rolls off the edge of Stark tower to be caught by one of the Chituari vehicles. He’s got his eyes elsewhere, he’s not going to waste his time on Thor. He can’t risk the chance of Thor snapping him out of his plans.

Fast forward more, and he is eventually defeated. The raw, physical might of the Hulk is too much even for him. He’s failed. He’s been defeated. He could not deliver on his order from Thanos. Chained and muted by a muffle, Loki follows Thor to be brought back to Asgard for judgement. Something he can only assume to be his death.

Arriving in Asgard, Loki is marched to the All-Father’s throne. His mother Frigga watches from the side. Loki, pretty much numb at this point takes things less than seriously. He is lacking some sanity from before but not so much where he can’t comprehend what’s happening. Just so much to the point that he doesn’t care what happens, or so he thinks. Frigga begs Loki to not make things worse to which Loki retorts “Define worse.” Loki feels like he doesn’t really care since he expects death. He even asks Odin if that is what he will be sentenced to; Loki does so without seeming scared or sad but rather uncaring at his fate.

Odin states, “All this because Loki desires a throne.”

Loki defends himself, calling back to what Odin told him and Thor back when they were children. “It is my birthright!”

And Odin, showing his true colors and a fit of rage responds, “Your birthright was to die as a child! Cast out on a frozen rock. If I had not taken you in, you would not be here now to hate me.”

Loki is understandably taken aback by this. “If I am for the axe, then, for mercy's sake, just... swing it!”

But when Odin replies with what Loki truly will be sentenced to, Loki’s face changes. Not death, but eternal imprisonment. Eternal imprisonment away from everyone and Loki’s mother who he loves, Frigga. Loki is taken aback. He was content with dying. If he was dead, he would neither have to fear Thanos hunting him down nor feeling of emptiness and worthlessness. But instead of that sweet release, he is sentenced to living out the rest of his life, secluded from his mother but isolated with his own thoughts. This is a fate worse than death in his eyes, especially when you consider how long Asgardians live.

Over a year passes with Loki still in prison. A prison break occurs around him which piques his interest and mischievous nature. He clings to any idea that could provide him with a feeling of life outside of books. Seeing the apparent leader of the group, Loki informs him of the path to take that would lead him to Asgard’s shield generator. It’s uncertain what exactly Loki’s motives are for doing this, but it can be assumed it’s because of his desire to have any impact, to do something that will have an effect, to rile things up. He doesn’t know how truly dangerous these people are. He could easily think that they would be no match for the Asgardians and that he is simply causing a little trouble. Unbeknownst to Loki, these are powerful and dangerous Dark Elves... and his dear mother Frigga was in the path of the Kursed. Frigga dies protecting the location of Jane Foster.

After the matter, after the dark elves had been expelled, Loki, still in his cell, is approached by a guard. A guard; that’s who tells Loki of his mother’s death. No visit from Thor or Odin or even Sif and/or the Warriors Three... While Thor and Odin and the rest of Asgard gets to attend Frigga’s funeral and mourn her, Loki is left all alone in his cell to mourn alone. Distraught, broken again, angry at the Kursed and the Dark Elves, but especially angry with himself. Undoubtedly he feels guilt having been the one to, unintentionally, lead the Kursed directly to Frigga. Loki destroys his cell. He is shattered. The one person he felt true love from. Loki is utterly empty. The last thing he had left is gone, and he didn’t even get to say goodbye. Overwhelmed, he uses his magic to lash out, destroying the entire room. In an absolute rage, he rampaged throughout his little cell, not caring much in the process, even stepping on broken glass and cutting himself. Eventually, he collapsed onto the floor, exhausted, disheveled, and utterly broken.

When Thor comes for Loki’s aide, he finds Loki looking his usual self. Loki inquires if Thor is there to gloat, to which Thor, knowing his brother, tells Loki “no more illusions.” Loki drops the illusion, revealing the trashed state of his cell and himself. “Now you see me brother.” Loki asks if Frigga suffered, but Thor isn’t there to comfort Loki or share their grief. He instead implores Loki to assist him in going against Odin’s wishes to go to the dark world and stop Malekith. Of course this prompts Loki to ask Thor what makes him think he can trust him, to which Thor replies, “I don't. Mother did. You should know that when we fought each other in the past, I did so with a glimmer of hope that my brother was still in there somewhere. That hope no longer exists to protect you. You betray me, and I will kill you.” Thor is desperate. He’s angry. He’s scared. He’s lost his mom, Jane is in danger, and as far as he’s aware or concerned, he’s lost Loki to the darkness. But he can’t let that stop him now. He needs Loki. He needs someone who has tricks and knowledge of Asgard to help him escape.

Loki ventures with Thor to the dark world, showing him the way (with brotherly banter in between). Loki muses Thors attachment to Jane, a mere mortal. Loki can’t understand why a powerful godlike being such as Thor could grow enamored with someone who will die long before he will. “This day, the next, a hundred years, it's nothing! It's a heartbeat. You'll never be ready. The only woman whose love you prized will be snatched from you.”

Thor is of course angry with this response as (at least at the time... thanks Taika...) he loves Jane, “And will that satisfy you?”

Loki only has to say, “Satisfaction's not in my nature!” This line alone gives us so much insight to Loki, much more than it may seem from surface value. Loki isn’t doing this for self satisfaction. He’s never satisfied, because he’s never been allowed to be. Until he can be equal with Thor, he doesn’t care. Loki appears selfish here, he embodies a persona of self confidence and defiance; as someone who only cares for himself. But this is far from the truth.

We see Loki appear to betray Thor as he cuts off his hand and stabs him before kicking him and sending him down a hill. He then roughly grabs Jane and throws her to the ground in front of Malekith. To the surprise of the audience and Jane, this was all part of Loki and Thor’s plan. Having Malekith off guard, Loki allows Thor to attack. Loki, against what appeared to be his nature a bit ago based on what he said, he immediately rushes to Jane to protect her. Twice. Once to cover her, the second to push her out of the way of one of the Kursed’s attacks that would have killed him if Thor hadn’t managed to get him out of the way last minute. The fight continues and Thor is beaten down and about to be finished off before Loki jumps to his rescue, stabbing the attacking Kursed. Unfortunately for Loki, he was too confident in this attack and the Kursed had enough energy left in him to impale him onto the other end of the blade Loki used to stab him. Loki appears to be dying. He fully expected to. Loki genuinely apologizes to Thor for what he’s done, calling himself a fool.Thor mourns and cries out, promising Loki “I'll tell Father what you did here today.” Loki’s apparent final words are “I didn’t do it for him.” This could be interpreted as Loki doing it for Frigga, Thor, or even himself. This time, Loki didn’t do it for Odin’s approval or recognition. He’s fine dying here. He’s done his part. I personally believe he did it for a mixture of all three of them.

Thor believes Loki to be dead and leaves, heartbroken and mournful, losing his mom and then his brother. Loki, however, did not die. His wound, will appearing to be fatal, did not kill him. It was not enough for a being such as him. He recovers in time and makes his way back to Asgard. Having survived, he has a newfound resolve. He’s done doing things for Odin. He’s going to do something for himself. To prove to himself and the others. Using powerful magic, Loki banishes Odin, the All-Father, guardian of the nine realms, to earth. He clouds Odins memories and leaves him (either in a care home or as a homeless man depending on which you accept as canon in Ragnarök). Loki assumes Odin’s identity as king of Asgard, the All-Father. Eventually, Thor comes to him, believing him to be Odin. He hears Thor honor Loki, giving Loki the praise he always wanted to hear. Loki, as Odin, encourages Thor to keep mjølnir as it belongs to him, and to go on as he wishes as Thor does not desire the throne. Thor thanks Odin and leaves. Loki, returning to his true form, thanks the absent Thor.

Loki rules over Asgard for four years. He avoids any issues, no conflict with other realms, no damage or anything. He enjoys his time in the light, even if others believe him to be Odin.

Then one day, Thor returns. Ragnarok unfolds. Loki finds himself torn between helping Thor or not and keeping himself safe, but ultimately decides to join Thor and fighting to protect the people of Asgard, risking his own life in the process, nabbing the tesseract on his way (c’mon... what’d you expect?). Loki seems content with himself and Thor as king of Asgard. Loki no longer worries about meeting Odin’s expectations, he just needs to meet his own.

Unfortunately, good things don’t last forever. Thanos has finally found Loki. Loki can decide to join Thanos, granting him safety, or to stand by Thor and his people. He chooses the latter. He stands up for Thor. He accepts himself as a Jötunn, but also as an Odinson. He promises Thor, “I assure you, brother, the sun will shine on us again.” He makes a desperate attempt at Thanos, one that fails. Loki dies, choked out by Thanos. His final words, an insult to Thanos but also a self aware reflection for Loki himself, “You will never be a god.” Loki saves Thor’s life by giving his own. Loki died a hero.

[dropintomanga]

Attack on Titan's Ending - We're Now All Free

So this was finally it, huh? A manga that debuted in 2009 which became an anime/manga phenomenon in 2013 and would later still have a significant place in manga history ended this month. Hajime Isayama's Attack on Titan was a title that I liked a lot and while there were some great moments in its final arc, the manga seemed like it tried a bit too hard to emphasize the complexity of human beings. Then again, maybe that's been the whole point of the series.

Spoilers abound after the jump.

I got to read up on the chapters that made up Volume 34. To be honest, it felt like somewhat of a mess. The whole backstory about Ymir Fritz confuses me a bit. I know that I will need to re-read the entire series to get a clearer idea. I got that the series became some kind of commentary on how people are always finding ways to divide one another via their differences.

It's just that I missed the old days, pre-basement. Attack on Titan was labeled as a horror action manga to a certain degree. I recently was reading an article about CM Punk (a former WWE wrestler who was very popular, but left the business after frustrations with management) and he talked about a horror movie he was cast in. Punk was asked about his love of horror and he said:

"I grew up on it, you know? I grew up on it because it was taboo. When things are taboo and you’re told you’re not allowed to watch it, what do you do? You watch it! You watch a lot of it. As you grow older, smarter and get some wisdom about the world, you realize that horror is the genre that tackles, before any other movie genre, the hard-hitting issues. Dating all the way back to George Romero’s Night of the Living Dead tackling racism. I love a great slasher movie, right? Jason Voorhees and some camp counselors. Just let them loose."

As many fans who follow Attack on Titan will tell you, the story takes a huge shift from the days of Titans eating humans and the mystery surrounding them to a world where humanity is actually thriving and politics are a big reason why the events of Attack on Titan are the way they are. I know some people dropped the series after that. I don't blame them because to be frank, the series loses some of its unique appeal as most fans have seen stories of the latter quite often. There were still horror elements (albeit very few), but the tension delivered later on in most scenes weren't ones that gave readers chills down their spines.

I wrote a lot about Attack on Titan. I wrote about Mikasa, Hange, Annie, Eren's stress, Levi's past, etc. But once that time-skip happened, I never felt compelled to write about Attack on Titan much. There was some good exploration about Reiner's guilt about his actions early on. But nothing was super-compelling to talk about honestly to me. I think the time-gap between the 1st and 2nd anime seasons didn't help and so many exciting series (mostly from Shonen Jump) were coming out around that time period.

I did think the ending was okay. I do believe that Isayama was trying to point out that bringing real change in society comes from talking to one another in person despite differences. This was reflected in a campfire scene before the final battle where all of the "good guys" and the "bad guys" sat together to hash it out. You don't have to like one another, but never let differences become radicalized to the point of no return. I'll admit that this isn't easy and these things never are. Plus, talk should mostly be a starting point to get rid of injustice.

What I've learned from my own experiences is that I sometimes get anxious over certain conversations with people that I may not agree with. But once they happen in a safe environment and no one's shouting, I actually learn something and so does the other person. I can't assume everyone who disagrees with me is an awful person. I will never, ever suggest social media as a way to have those kinds of conversations because some people are either too awful or just say well-intentioned things without thinking about the person's true feelings.

And about people I truly dislike, I just look at them with pity because I know they're just being brainwashed by grifters/scammers/cult-like leaders.

Having those kinds of perspectives really benefited my mental health, so I guess I can appreciate Isayama for highlighting what it means to live among people who I don't always feel comfortable around.

I also love the Ackermans (Mikasa and Levi) for being the ones to take out the end-game threats. They're a family known to be Titan-killers, but there's also some Asian blood within them. I got a funny sense of Asian pride in seeing Mikasa and Levi wreck shit and getting respect for it.

While the ending felt similar to Code Geass, I kind of understand the view point on being the world's enemy to bring the world together. It's just a bit too naive. Even after all that, people are still at conflict with another only without Titans around. Maybe that's the whole point - the fact that self-sacrifice isn't a panacea to life's complexities. Martyrdom is sometimes worshipped a bit too much and there's a good number of disenfranchised young men who fall in love with that idea.

To end this post, I think back to how Isayama came up with the idea of Attack on Titan. He said that the story came to him after seeing a frustrated customer grab him by the collar while working at an internet cafe. Isayama noted how scary the person was and it was hard to communicate with him. The whole point of Attack on Titan is not just freedom, but getting past communication barriers with other people we fear.

When it comes to freedom, a lot of people seem to have a naïve and/or child-like sense of it. I see this a lot during the COVID-19 pandemic. They think freedom is basically the right to do whatever you want and not be punished for it. However, true freedom involves doing as you please and having the ability to be responsible to yourself and other people.

I know this viewpoint irks people, but the whole ending gives off that vibe. I have to respect Isayama for that.

I think that's all I have to say about Attack on Titan. This series played a big part in helping the anime and manga industries post-2008. It also made me see the possibility of a mainstream shonen hit that wasn't from Jump. I was one of the first people to pay attention to the series before it was licensed in English. I even got praise from Kodansha folks saying that I played a huge part in bringing the series over.

So I have a lot of fun memories. One of my personal favorite memories was during NYCC 2013 where a huge gathering of Attack on Titan cosplayers at Kodansha Comics' booth and Japanese news programming was there to film it. I got to witness all of that interaction between Americans and Japanese. I left the gathering thinking that things were really on the up-and-up for anime and manga perception over in the U.S. We're now in a golden age of anime/manga and Attack on Titan deserves credit for bringing us to it.

So thanks, Hajime Isayama, for showing the world what Kodansha stories are all about - inspiring impossible stories.

[ellipsesarefun]

DAMIRAE DAY 5: Soulbond

A/N: SO THIS CAME OUT OF NOWHERE I SWEAR HAHHAHAAH. It’s probs the coffee talking but damn. Finished this baby todaaayyy after reviewing for a subject (and damn is this a weird day because writing and studying feels like two different worlds) so this will be queued to post on the 14th or 15th? Maybe I’m too excited but it’s been awhile since I’ve been excited to write something.. Been awhile since I’ve used 1st POV. This is probs a bit messy :( But I’ll edit some stuff out someday..

May not be participating anymore but I hope to come back to DamiRae <3 It’s been a comfort to me during my study breaks.

------

There are some things about my magic that I cannot fully comprehend nor explain. 

Ever since I’ve healed the young Robin, I’ve been receiving vivid dreams. I can’t fully grasp the images but the emotions that wake me to reality are always filled with heartaches, pining, and desperation. I never bothered to clue anyone in on what they are. Kory knows I have dreams but I can never tell her what happens in them because I don’t know how to describe them.. Damian has his ways of knowing. The little bird never lets me forget that. But he never asked, just implied. And I never said anything, merely let him draw his own conclusions.

I’ve been harboring feelings for him for a long time but I never acted on them for a number of reasons... Sometimes, we were romantically and sexually involved with other people. Other times, there never seemed to be a time and place to voice it out on the open. The moments we spent alone meditating, reading together, flying during my nightly rituals are the moments I cherish too much to let him feel my burden.

But out of all the reasons I've expounded, My father is the center. Even when I have created an enchanted fortress created out of his and my own demonic magic (with the help of Constantine and Zatanna), I still fear that he may one day break through those chains and destroy Earth... and kill Damian. Trigon senses the bond between us and it disgusts him.

His insults hit right through my own insecurities. I mean technically, he is trapped in crystal that’s stored in a small box that I carry around but damnit there are times when his thoughts crowd over to mine and... it terrifies me.

The mechanics of the bond isn’t the “if he dies, then I die too” but more of “I feel his presence more than I let on”. I still have no idea if it also might be the former, but the latter is one that I experience often. I don't always know what he is feeling (I may be an Empath but I have my mental barriers to maintain). It's only when he's in danger do my senses burn right through my barriers. It probably comes with this strong sense of protectiveness within me, a desperate need to keep him safe... and it’s becoming a little too obvious.

Throughout the six years as Titans, training with Damian has gradually become a torture... Every urge to shot turns into every urge to shield him from the pain... Every scar he receives fuels my anger against those who dare to hurt him, especially the enemies we’ve faced during missions and/or patrol. 

The last one was worse. I arrived at the scene with him on the floor, body tainted with bruises and then..

I saw him on the floor.. suddenly burnt into ashes.. face barely recognizable... I heard my screams of agony, despair, and heartbreak as I watched my other self enveloping him in what seems a spell..

I love you...

And it wasn’t a dream but a memory... It all felt so real, like I was in Apokolips (what the hell is Apokolips?) once more and the Earth has crumbled to its fucked up state and he was gone and I needed to save him (from what?)...

I didn’t even stop to comprehend what it was and I lost my control. 

AZARATH. METRION. ZINTHOS!

...

I blacked out, I think, and now I find myself back in the infirmary of the Titans Tower. Not a single glimpse of a sunlight reached the room and nothing stands out from the dark except a figure sitting beaide me.

"Hi." Is the only greeting I offered. Damian stands and turns the lights back on. He sits back down, burning holes into my skull. I squint at the brightness and immediately force myself to focus at some place that isn't him.. I couldn't bare to look at him.

I hear a sigh but I let my gaze linger at the clock far longer than I liked, matching my breaths with the ticks and tocks of the arrows of the clock. His agitation prickles at my senses like a thorn to my side. The damned urge to come and wrap him in my arms gradually resurfaces once more. 

He clears his throat just in time, like he already knew what I was thinking and I look down, hoping he doesn’t notice the heat pooling my cheeks. 

“Look,” he says and I pause my train of thought, “You and I both know there’s more to this that letting your demon lose and almost killing Dr. Light, so let’s not beat around the bush.” I couldn’t look at him, I just can’t bear to.. But I nodded, just so he knows that I’m taking his words seriously (and I always do)..

I might as well tell him..

“I’ve been having nightmares ever since the first time I healed you.” There’s movement from my periphery but I ignore it, “Of you.. dying...” Silence is his only answer so I continued.

“It wasn’t that bad at first but through years it’s been difficult to fight this desire to protect you all the time.” I haven’t reached the most important part yet and I’m already feeling the rising tension in the air. He holds up a hand, and I wait for him to speak as I try to calm my heartbeat. 

“Raven, I was trained by the League of the Assassins. I know how to handle myself-” 

“I know you do, Damian.” I cut him off, hearing my voice rise a bit,

(And I realize later that he didn't need to say this because damnit the smart ass saw right through me. He only did so to bait me into confessing.)

“But these aren’t nightmares.. not really. They’re from another timeline.” I let out a sigh. This conversation is beginning to exhaust me but he needs to know. I turn to him this time and he’s not holding back his own concern etched on his face. He gets up from his chair and sits at the edge of my bed. My gaze drifts to his hand. I remember a lingering feeling, probably from another memory of that timeline, that he’d reach out and hold my hand in his. 

“There was a war.. We were around at this age..” I continue, “We were trying to stop someone and... you died in the process. I revived you.. brought you back from the dead.” I watch him watch me. Not a single gasp was uttered nor any ounce of surprised was showed on his face. I didn’t sense any of that. There was so much I can pick from that unreadable frown. 

Longing, concern, understanding.. and it’s only occurred to me that he knows. He’s known this whole time. I was too engrossed to what he felt and what Trigon may do that I didn’t stop to read through his actions. But does he...

No.. I shouldn't ask... not when I haven't laid all the cards out..

"We have a bond.. sort of." I say, and he nods, confirming of his own assumptions, "But I'm not sure if this will get us killed. So far the pain inflicted on you does not mean I receive the same kind of pain. It just fuels my drive to protect you."

"And you think that this was a result from our previous affections to one another in that timeline." He concludes.

"We never really spent time together as... together." I say. It feels out of the blue but something about what I said needed to be heard, "You left for the League of Assassins. You offered me a place there because you had feelings for me. I would have went with you if Trigon hadn't threatened me to kill you if I stayed..."

I face him, feeling this odd confidence swelling within me. "I do still have feelings for you. And Trigon still wants to kill you so.. that hasn't changed.." 

There is a slight elation and giddiness within me as I catch a mixture of bewilderment and amusement on his features. But my heart begins to soar as I watch a tiny, tender smile drawn by his lips.

I've seen that smile before.. a couple of times. There were only glimpses of that smile during our many glances throughout the years, hidden beneath the layers of his mask.

And now the last of his mask has finally come off.

"Raven," he says and I feel the tingle in my ears at the sound of my name, "You should know by now that my perseverance exceeds the fear of being devoured by demonic conquerer of worlds."

I frown at him. "You sound so sure of yourself..."

"You've defeated him twice, Raven." He reasons, "In this timeline and probably in other timelines. You were lucky, you say, but now.. you're--no, we're, more than four times as lucky."

"Damian.. where is this all coming from?" I ask, because he makes it sound so simple. Like he's up against merely a strict father who wouldn't let his daughter marry the person she loves in those cheesy romcoms. But this isn't a romcom. This is Trigon, for Azar's sake..

"He isn't called a Conquerer of Worlds for no reason!"

"And that doesn't stop you for creating a tiny fortress that entraps and gradually diminishes his demonic magic instead of trapping him in a crystal and sticking it to your forehead from your other timeline. Look Raven,” he continues, “You and I both know that there’s something between us? Why wait for the inevitable?” Why wait till I leave for the League of Assassins? Why wait till the possibility of Apokolips comes around again? He leans in and his bright green eyes search my own.

I keep my frown on my face, not wanting to give in to his charms. He throws back a smirk because he's fucking...

"Insufferable. That’s what you are." I spit the words at him, only halfheartedly at best. He laughs. The cheeky fucker is laughing me.

"But I'm a kind and generous soul." He teases with a grin on his face. And shit, I can't fight my own my smile any longer. He reaches out and I meet him halfway, entwining our fingers together. I haven't affirmed anything but the gesture already is the answer. Our answer. We’ve been dancing around this for a long time. Might as well take the chance before it’s too late.

Something magical, his aura perhaps, loops with my own. I close my eyes let the magic guide me.. and him. A meadow materializes itself and I find him in the distance, his smile warm and inviting. I extend my hand to him and he mirrors my actions. A raven flies out of my hand and another one out of his. At the same time we open our eyes and-

The magic suddenly bursts forth into a kaleidoscope of colors, a plethora of shapes of any kind. They all coalesce into a giant raven. A white raven. It soars above us, circling around the room with a happy tune. It eventually disappears into a sparkle of fireworks. We laugh and turn our gazes to one another. 

With foreheads pressed against each other, we guide our silent conversation with twinkles in our eyes and smiles forming on our lips. It's like those typical chessy lovebird montage things people see in romantic subplots. It might be the calmness of the air or the sleep edging its way through my train of thought but I can sense our heartbeats in sync. A lullaby to my woes, perhaps, but someone like me can hope that this bond is knitting our souls into a comfortable blanket, however mysterious and unpredictable it may be.

Trigon's box rattles on the table. I almost forgot that it was there in the first place. I feel his presence, cursing disgusting words at the edge of my aura but I pay no heed. 

After all, I'm a billion times luckier now.

[jeanandthedreamofhorses]

Eren the Free, Part 2: Response to linkspooky’s ‘Eren the Slave’

Continuing from where we left off:

Blind Hatred of the Enemy

This point I have already covered both in my attached meta and in my argument against ‘lip service’. Eren proves in his conversation with Reiner that there is no longer anything blind about his hatred - he only uses it when it is useful to him, as when he manipulated Grisha and as when he distanced himself from Mikasa and Armin.

Self-Loathing

linkspooky claims that Eren is acting out of self-loathing for his own weakness and means to throw his life away for the sake of proving himself. This self-loathing is also something he began to overcome in the Uprising Arc.

Isayama said in an interview that Historia inspired Eren to escape from that depressive state, and we can see the first signs of it in the same chapter.

In the Final Arc, Eren has so much self-confidence and love for himself that he is willing to fight against the entire World for the sake of his own desires, brushing aside their hatred and choosing to live for himself.

This is why he is diametrically opposed to Zeke, who does hate himself and wishes he was never born, and out of that self-hatred wants to ensure that none of his kind are ever born again. Eren, on the other hand, proudly states “Because I was born into this world” as an affirmation of his right to exist and to fight for his freedom.

Eren is willing to endanger himself not because he doesn’t care whether he lives or dies, but because he knows for certain that he will soon die as a result of Ymir’s Curse. That is what separates the value of the lives of his friends from the value of his own life; even in Armin’s case he still has much longer left than Eren. As I explain in my attached meta, I find that Eren is using his final years in such a dramatic way precisely because he does believe in the value of his existence.

Fighting with No Release

linkspooky claims that Eren does not want freedom, but perpetual fighting. I think my attached meta should clarify why I believe perpetual fighting to be the very nature of freedom, but even then, if Eren’s aim is truly the destruction of the outside world, wouldn’t that put the conflict between humans and Eldians to a permanent end?

They also make the claim that in killing the Reiss family, Grisha does not manage to save Carla or even Eren, as he manipulates him into a cursed future. However, Grisha does not kill the Reiss family for those reasons. He is unable to do it.

The reason he ultimately makes the choice is not for anyone else but because it is the course of his own Will. It is the story he started.

Another of his motivations, secondary but still relevant, is fighting to make the deaths of the past mean something by fulfilling the future Eren showed him.

linkspooky argues that death is just an experience of meaningless losses, which must be accepted as meaningless. However, I find that this conflicts with one of the most inspiring and heartfelt moments of the manga: Erwin’s final speech before his death. 

The framing of this speech in such a moving and powerful manner is, to me, a clear indicator of authorial Narrative. Yes, people’s deaths are in themselves meaningless, which is why it is the task of the living to give them meaning – why we have to, as both Hange and Eren have said, keep moving forward, not to forget them and leave them be.

The claim that it was Grisha who manipulated his son is also problematised by this latest chapter. From his interactions with the Future Eren and the visions he showed to him, Grisha clearly knew that being titanised was Eren’s own desire.

linkspooky also brings up Eren’s killing of civilians to show he is not really fighting the World, but fighting for the sake of fighting. This ignores the fact that he also killed the ambassadors of almost every nation on the planet, who are surely representative of the World more than any other. This even extends to the leader of his own nation, though inadvertently, when Zackly is killed by the Jaegerists.

Furthermore, civilians, though innocent, are still part of the World and are not exempt from that fight. Despite what the meta suggests about Eren’s Personal Narrative, those who propose World-destroying never try to pass it off as a noble thing.

Forgetting Lessons

linkspooky claims that Eren remains stagnant because he forgets the lessons he learns. They use as their evidence Eren brushing off Mikasa after she tells him she’s grateful to him for wrapping his scarf around her. They claim that he does this because he does not accept the worth of his kindness and insists on fighting instead.

Tone is a tricky thing, but I do think the tone of this scene is widely agreed upon to be a heartwarming one.  I don’t think anyone was angry at Eren during this scene or thought he didn’t value Mikasa’s words. The strength of the tone suggests authorial Narrative to me, which makes it very hard to see this moment as something negative.

The claim that Eren doesn’t listen to her because he brushes her aside is directly contradicted by the next panel, where Eren repeats her words and shows how they have resonated with him. I find the forcefulness of Eren’s shaking off to just be the forcefulness of his feelings.

Moreover, can anyone argue that Eren did the wrong thing here? Had he decided to renounce violence instead of punching Dina, he, Mikasa, and the entirety of the Survey Corps would have been devoured on the spot. linkspooky appears to argue that violence is incompatible with kindness, but Eren is now protecting Mikasa with violence precisely because of his kindness.

The meta claims that Eren telling Mikasa he’s always hated her proves that he forgot the lesson he learned here, but both I and linkspooky agree that Eren is lying in that scene to put her at a safe distance. If they mean to argue that Eren is neglecting his kindness for the sake of fighting, I restate my argument that he is fighting out of that kindness.

linkspooky also makes the claim that Eren forgot the lesson he learned from Armin’s death, which was that Armin was worth more than him because he pursued freedom instead of just clinging onto his hatred. I think I have already sufficiently argued that Eren has developed past blind hatred and now fights for genuine freedom.

Armin’s Reason for Self-Sacrifice

The meta claims that Armin sacrificed himself out of a sense of inadequacy and a need to prove himself. This, I find, is an insecurity Armin overcame in Chapter 11, where Eren and Mikasa tell him his worth up front.

My understanding of Armin’s sacrifice is that he was acting in accordance with his doctrine that those who cannot sacrifice anything can never hope to gain anything.

Historia Representing What Eren Thinks He Wants and Mikasa Representing What He Really Wants

It is unfortunate that the phrasing makes this sound like a rather immature ship war comment, but I’ll assume that ‘Historia’ here means ‘Eren’s vision of the future as represented by Historia’s hand’.

Even then, to argue that a deliberate contrast is drawn between these images is, I think, lacking in evidence. Had Isayama wanted to do that, he surely would have juxtaposed these images against each other. But instead there is an ample amount of space between them.

As for the nature of the scarf scene, for that I have already given my interpretation in the previous part.

Eren and Zeke’s Bonds

linkspooky argues that the difference between Zeke and Eren is that while Zeke values the connections he doesn’t have, Eren doesn’t value the connections he does have. I think the first half is very insightful, but I strongly disagree with the second. Rather I think the difference between them is more simply that Eren does value the connections which he does have.

Because I believe he is fighting to defend those loved ones, I could never make the claim that he does not appreciate them. Those bonds are so important to him that he is willing to trash them in order to preserve them. While that may seem paradoxical, it reminds me of this line from Bakemonogatari: 

“I care about my debt to you more than our friendship”.

linkspooky’s argument, however, is that while Eren wants to defend his friends, it’s entirely in a selfish capacity and he does not think of them as free human agents, as he never allows their words to get through to him.

I’ve argued in my attached meta about how one can only ever really look out for one’s own freedom, but in the first place, I think the argument that Eren never listens to anyone else or allows them to reach him is factually incorrect. He listened to Historia, as proven in Isayama’s interview. He listened to Petra in taking her advice to rely on his comrades, and only changed his mind based on the consequences.

Annie reached him by shaking his black-and-white conception of the world and making him want to understand his enemies for the first time. Reiner reached him as a kindred spirit which he recognised in Chapter 100.

He listened to Shadis:

And his newfound emphasis of being ‘born into this world’ suggests he listened to Carla through him as well.

But for the sake of argument, let’s suppose that Eren doesn’t treat his loved ones like people. How does prioritising his desires over his friends make him ‘weak’, as linkspooky claims? I understand how fear of losing them might make him so, but it seems that selfishness is being argued as a form of weakness in this meta as well.

Throughout the ages there have been many attempts to conflate the Strong/Weak system of values with the system of Good/Evil, but I think all of us understand on an instinctual level that ‘strength’ is nothing more than a measure of power – a single unarmed titan is undoubtedly stronger than a single unarmed human. Yielding your own Will to the Will of others is surely an indication of submission rather than strength, no matter how moral it may be. Power can only be found in the pursuit of one’s own Will to Power.

Eren failed to save his mother because he wasn’t strong enough. Lying down and accepting the death or enslavement of his loved ones would be every inch as weak.

So then, let us continue to suppose that Eren does not appreciate his connections. If this is true, Zeke is in no ways different. He does not unconditionally value the connections he doesn’t have: he hated Grisha precisely because his love for him was highly conditional.

The same is true of Zeke’s love for Eren. Zeke is not treating Eren as a free individual despite his disagreements as the meta claims - he is keeping Eren trapped in the Path Dimension until he comes around to his point of view. The claim that he cannot bring himself to manipulate Eren is also untrue, because if that were the case he would have told Eren that the one with royal blood is the one who commands Ymir-Sama – but he didn’t, because he was manipulating him.

It is true that Zeke could have activated the euthanasia immediately, but he has no need to in a place of infinite time. His determination to convince Eren beforehand just illustrates his manipulative nature even further, as he cannot tolerate disagreement in his loved ones.

He talks of ‘healing’ and ‘saving’ Eren, as though he were a lost lamb in need of enlightenment rather than an individual of opposing desires. His only explanation for their differences is that Eren has been brainwashed. When Zeke finds out that Eren chose this path freely, his love is completely replaced by fear and he tries to activate the euthanasia without Eren’s consent.

There is nothing unconditional about Zeke’s love.

The meta also claims that Eren is showing Zeke his happy childhood in order to mock him. But that is not the case at all - Eren is largely silent for that portion of Grisha’s memories, only speaking up in an effort to cut it short. The only one making observations about Eren’s happy childhood is Zeke.

linkspooky considers the above panel to be Eren mocking Zeke, but I find it to just be Eren laying down in no uncertain terms that he’s not the willess child everyone keeps assuming him to be, that he does have a will of his own and he does act on it.

The Meaning of Carla’s Words

linkspooky claims that Eren is misinterpreting Carla’s words by feeling the need to prove that he is special despite already being special from being born into this world. It was precisely those words, however, that broke Eren out of that delusion – again, in the Uprising Arc.

The fact that Eren has become what-is-called-special regardless is an example of the loop that I describe in the attached meta. He is no longer fighting out of the need to be special (and this is perhaps what has made him truly special, as opposed to someone like Keith), but because, as he says, he was born into this world - and he wants to preserve the ability of Eldians to live the kind of ordinary lives Carla envisioned.

If Zeke has his way, no Eldian will ever be born into this world again. If Marley have their way, the Paradis Eldians will be wiped from the face of this world. The Survey Corps’ way would subject Historia to a life of enslavement, and, with the withdrawal of Hizuru’s aid, is no longer feasible. It is only Eren’s way which values their being born and allows Eldians to live free lives.

Kruger wants Grisha both to fight for Eldia and to live a loving family life. They are not mutually exclusive.

Eren’s Happy Childhood

The claim that Eren does not value others because he had a childhood where he was unconditionally loved omits everything that happened to him after he was ten years old, when his parents were brutally snatched from him, his neighbours were massacred and his hometown was destroyed.

He openly expresses regret over not having appreciated his mother enough, and, just as linkspooky argues, his powerlessness at her death was a major cause of insecurity. In the Crystal Cave he also believed that his father manipulated him into a terrible destiny. Eren is no stranger to parental issues either.

Freedom as the Freedom to Not Get What You Want

I find this claim directly contradicts the definition of freedom, which I go over in my attached meta, and thus renders it a meaningless term.

Symbolism of Eren in Chains

Eren does frequently wind up enchained or imprisoned, but the real value of the symbolism is the fact that Eren invariably escapes from his confinements. The chains depicted in linkspooky’s argument are broken by Eren in the very next chapter.

Rather than representing his enslavement, those broken chains demonstrate his successful struggle for freedom.

The Manga Is Calling for Him to be Stopped

Characters are calling for him to be stopped, because as argued in the attached meta, freedom is a terrifying thing. If we want to find the authorial Narrative, we should investigate it through symbolism, and it’s difficult to read Eren breaking his chains as an image of enslavement.

Well, in many, many words, I hope I’ve successfully explained my position. Well done for getting to the end! I do it for my boi Ereh.

[why-this-kolaveri-machi]

i preserved in him what he needed to believe about you.

i wrote yesterday that this episode had a lot riding on it. for the most part, it delivered--mostly in anchoring both dick and slade’s arcs, expanding on the themes introduced in s2, and in firmly establishing jericho as My Favourite Forever And Ever. it was also very flawed, but in (mostly) interesting ways. let’s talk about it!

SPOILERS ahead.

1. jericho has my whole heart and then some. i think it would’ve been very easy to paint him with broad strokes--my fear was they would drag the innocence all the way to the edge of infantilisation, which, good god NO--but while he is enthusiastic and ready to believe the best of both his friends and family, there’s a sharpness to him, a kind of reckless guile, and quite a lot of unresolved and complicated feelings about father figures. 

1.25. he is obviously very proud of his father having served in the military--he’s even tangentially aware that he was experimented on, given his nonchalant attribution of his own powers to “drugs” that his father took while serving. (this awareness has to include the fact that his father definitely took a number of lives as a soldier.) even the awful assault that took away his voice and eventually his father from his life tracks with a single, knowable truth. knowing this helped him ground his own identity--the problem comes when he realises that what he’d used to build himself on was itself built on a lie. 

there is a tension, then, between his loyalty to these friends who used him but ultimately revealed the truth to him, and his desire to have that cornerstone of his life back. his compromise is to talk to his father, but only with dick’s permission; in it, he would know if his father was finally ready to be completely honest with him, and if there was more to dick’s friendship than merely using jericho to get to his father.

1.3. of course, it doesn’t exactly work that way: in the final fight at the church, there are two men who insist on their truth while pushing him to the side. in it, he sees one of them ruthlessly cut down the other, and he sees the other using his own body and life to protect him. jericho makes his choice in the end.

1.45. dick i think was absolutely right and justified in bringing jericho to a safe place where he can explore and learn to control his powers, even if dick was surprisingly blase about the potential ethical tangles of being able to possess other people’s bodies without them being aware of it. it was honestly a bit disturbing to see that hank was chosen to demonstrate jericho’s powers, given his history and the fact that he describes the experience as a “blackout”. i’m just going to assume that he would’ve come around to it eventually.

given the relative paucity of Big Bads and grand superhero battles, i’m kind of taken with the idea of the titans essentially being a support group for young troubled superheroes who need help and training and ways to ground themselves before heading back to their corners of the world. 

1.5. ultimately this episode once again drives home what should be the essential question in a show that revolves around a team of superhero sidekicks: are we destined to be what we were moulded to be? is the point of their existence to perpetuate what their mentors/fathers did? slade and jericho both struggle with this; so do dick and donna in this episode. so do rose, and jason, and rachel, and conner, and kory in the broader context of the series. the answers they find are complicated and at the cost of a great deal of pain, but the process is always interesting.

1.8. obviously jericho isn’t actually dead. i wonder what that initial dreamscape sequence was all about? is it some secret pocket dimension that jericho jumped into at the last minute when slade killed his body? is that where he’s been for the last five years?

2. dick grayson is lost. he is utterly buried under artifice and armour. i mentioned in a previous post (i think the one for 2.07) that he performs quite a bit of emotional labour for the team on top of being their leader in a tactical sense. here, he’s trying to hold it together for the team after a devastating death; he’s spearheading an effort for revenge he thought they all supported. he pulls on batman-goggles, trying to look at what he’s doing from a logical, emotionally-removed perspective, even while burying his bleeding heart as deep as he possibly can. no wonder he’s acting “like a ghost” and “burning at both ends”--it’s a terrible burden to bear. 

then the team turns around--once they’ve already gotten the info they needed, mind!--and tells him to cut jericho out of this operation; that it’s wrong and awful to have involved him at all. when he tries to do just that, he sees that he can actually help jericho as a friend and teammate, and at the urging of dawn, comes clean to him. meanwhile garth’s death and donna’s grief is still an unrelenting pressure on the back of his neck, driving him to find deathstroke at any cost--except when that cost is betraying jericho’s trust. ultimately slade nearly murdering donna is what breaks him--and he decides to follow jericho to slade anyway.

at every point he is so desperately trying to do good by everybody that he loses himself in the process. that his reward for this is being beaten up, a truckload of survivor’s guilt, and being abandoned by his closest friends is just so fucking awful. his friends are so used to his artifice and he is so used to absorbing all the blame that they think nothing of both praising him for being someone that saves people and believing he would sacrifice innocent lives for the sake of a mission in the same day.

(but this makes dick/kory so beautiful and refreshing--she has no time for his artifice and he doesn’t have to Be Someone around her. their relationship is defined by being undefined, and in that sense--at least for now--both of them find peace in the other.)

2.5. slade commenting coldly on dick’s fighting skills and the way he uses dick’s feelings for jericho to distract and defeat him makes me think that slade’s been playing this game with dick for far longer than he was aware: slade used both jericho and donna as bait to lure dick to that church, fought him in a cold, critical way undoubtedly reminiscent of a thousand sparring sessions with batman, and drove him utterly to the ground not just to prove a point to the titans and the superhero community at large but to jericho as well: this man is weak, manipulative, and ultimately a poor substitute for slade. 

2.75. who knows for how long dick wallowed in his failure, still seeing jericho take the blade that was meant for him, utterly alone? did he go back to the batcave, utterly defeated, and did he listen to bruce call him out on his mistakes? how much do you think he internalised all the terrible things he’d been told he was until he believed it all to be true? until he couldn’t live with himself and spiralled and spiralled until his self-hatred lead to outright self-destruction?

like--no wonder he completely fell apart in the present day when deathstroke showed up again. he’d just started to trust--he’d just started to build a family again. and here it is, a reminder of his biggest failure threatening to have him fail spectacularly once again. 

... this boy needs so much therapy. or at least a long nap and a series of hugs.

2.8. (that fight between him and slade tho... goddamn. even my shitty quality stream couldn’t take away from how thrilling it was to watch.)

3. dawn is... well. i know it’s been frustrating to follow dawn this season, as she’s been either non-existent or, uh, flat, but there was something interesting in the way her dynamic with dick moved and shifted in this episode. she thrills to ideals without considering the consequences of actually following those ideals. in the space of a few months, she can implore dick to act like batman, then tell him no, she was wrong to have asked him to do that, then say that she loved him for saving people and then barely days later abandon him for being a reckless sociopath who exploited innocent lives. in the present day, she can support hank in his retirement and rehabilitative process, yet still think it’s perfectly ok to go behind his back and continue being a vigilante. she supported protecting rose in the tower but still piled on dick for going off on his reckless suicide mission to try and save both jason and rose. she endorsed (and once praised) dick taking on troubled young superhero charges, yet turned around and berated him for daring to open up titans tower and “put them in the firing line”. 

i mean, for all that she takes the considerate, sensitive line in conversations, it’s almost always in contradiction to a position she’d taken earlier. it’s too consistent to be a coincidence, and i think it’s fascinating.

4. i didn’t realise amazons could be defeated and killed so easily?? who issued the contract to kill jillian in the first place and what was the “important work” they were doing in san francisco in the first place? a mystery within a mystery...

5. if this season were the draft of a story, i would go right in with a red pen and start moving around all the parts to make it flow better; excise entire passages and rewrite a few others. the pacing has been terrible, and this has meant that the younger titans--and the team we came to know and love through the first season--have gotten almost nothing to do, either plot-wise or emotionally. even if kory and gar and rachel become absolutely vital to the story in the last 4-5 episodes, it would still be a fairly significant failure, storytelling-wise.

that’s a pity because this show is packed with a stellar cast, always looks gorgeous, and is filled with genuinely insightful human relationships that are allowed to unfold in ways you just don’t see in other superhero media. just--*vibrates* a little more love and care from the people making and producing the show please!

[rocksinmuffin]

I haven't seen this often, but can you write Megatron x reader x ultra Magnus (NSFW or not, you choose). I want the anal retentive boys to be loved and cared for.

It’s hard to say when your relationship changed from strictly professional to whatever this is.

Ultra Magnus is intimidating upon first meeting him; formal and grim and towering over you; but the novelty runs out fast when the entirety of the crew towers over you and the vast majority of them lack common sense. Ultra Magnus, surprisingly, is the easiest of the mechs to talk to, work-focused drone of conversation familiar and comforting when everything else around you is so foreign. He’s the calm amidst a never-ending storm of chaos and calamity.

By the time you notice the signs of an oncoming crush, it’s already much too late. You feel heat rise to your cheeks as metal fingertips brush against yours while passing a datapad and you have to excuse yourself as dread and realization fight to flash across your face.

Maybe you fall for Ultra Magnus because you relate to him. You’re no stranger to burying yourself in your business, procrastinating and avoiding conflicting feelings and your own personal hang-ups in favor of losing yourself in the constant stream of a never-ending workflow.

In a bid to distance yourself from Ultra Magnus, you spend more time drowning yourself in your work and, as a result, spend time with Megatron instead.

You expect to hate him. At the very least, you expect to be afraid of him. But even Megatron—a mech you have feared since childhood—can only be so intimidating when most of his time is spent alone in his hab suite, talking to his cat. You know him from stories of how he devastated your planet yet, in the time you’ve been here, you’ve hardly seen him raise his voice. He doesn’t need to, you realize; even soft-spoken words hold such an authority that you feel compelled to hang onto every word.

You share conversations with him; usually light-hearted discussions of little consequence, topics that veer far away from the politics of Cybertron or the recent war that he is responsible for. He’s discussing the symbolism of a poem you recommended to him, comparing the imagery to a Cybertronian poem with a title you cannot pronounce, and as you lose yourself in his voice and feel the warmth rise in your chest you know you’re already in too deep.

Megatron and Ultra Magnus are similar, you realize, extended periods of time spent with both of them making the similarities pop out.  Both mechs are serious and business oriented. Both radiate power yet rarely feel the need to demonstrate that capability. Both have a tendency of neglecting their basic needs to refuel and recharge; Ultra Magnus due to an unhealthily strong work ethic and Megatron, you suspect, out of purposeful self-neglect. And both of them give you that same gentle smile with softly glowing optics when you place a cube of energon on the desk in front of them.

You suppose it says something about you, specifically, that out of all the people to latch onto you choose the closest thing you have to a direct superior in this tangled knot of a work structure and the mech you are charged with observing and reporting on. That you can hardly take care of yourself but you so desperately want to care for two metal titans who tower over you.

But, as you sit in a board meeting; Ultra Magnus at your right and elbow resting lightly against your own and Megatron directly across from you with optics soft and in awe of you; you feel nothing but contentment in their presence.

[dorms-fic-archive]

Nur für die Schwachen: Prologue [2019]

Summary: Succeeding another bout of training with ODM gear, Eren has an unexpected run-in with Annie in the nearby storage shed and the situation quickly spirals out of control. Whether or not their actions will have any lasting consequences remains to be seen; for now, all that's left to do is try to survive the remaining months until graduation. [FFNet. | Ao3]

a/n: It's been eighty-four years… okay, more like four, but still! I'll level with you guys and admit that I wasn't sure where to go with this fic after the third chapter, and after losing the original draft for chapter four, I was pretty bummed about the project for a while. But that's in the past; I want to finish this properly.

So what's different this time? For starters, the fic proper has been reformatted to be easier on the eyes. I've also changed quite a few details about the set-up in order to match with the original doujin—which I've been fortunate enough to acquire!—though I should note I am largely going in my own direction. The differences are fairly extraneous, as far as the fic is concerned. (Incidentally, the doujin's quite good for what it is!)

PROLOGUE

Initially, Annie does not know Jaeger very well, nor is she quite sure how to handle his attempts at camaraderie; so she ignores him whenever possible. She knows a first impression is important, keeps herself discreet and seldom speaks. In time, she's feared by many among the trainees, and not even Bertholdt or Reiner try to get more than a few stray sentences out of her in public.

Hoover and Braun; she finds it's much easier to stay detached if she sticks with formalities.

Jaeger is a week younger, vivacious and fearless: He doesn't seem to notice, or care, about formalities. Initially she chalks it up as a lack of intellect; he's not always on about killing Titans, but everyone knows it's what he's thinking.

But they meet again as the months bleed into each other and the earth freezes and thaws, and she quickly realises she may strike him down, she may steer clear of him, she may dismiss him coolly as many times as she wishes but she cannot truly avoid him, not forever, because in the end he just keeps coming back, and she's not quite unkind enough to do something drastic enough to make him stop.

Braun seems to think it's funny, and it's become impossible to rebuff him with violence alone, because she can't do much to him besides flip him over his arse; it was impressive the first time she demonstrated, but nowadays, more often than not, all it seems to do is give the others a reason to laugh at how unflappable he is.

Hardly anyone tries to talk to her, though, so this must be working. Annie tries to remind herself that she does not hate Jaeger or Braun. She still finds herself unreasonably irritable whenever she runs into either of them in the open. At least Jaeger wants to learn from her; Reiner's been nothing but an arse as of late. If Annie were less cynical she might even let herself find it quaint that the former boy respects her so much.

She keeps forgetting Hoover is there; not forgetting, because she can feel his eyes on her. He'll smile if she doesn't ignore him. She knows he's looking out for her because Braun won't bother, but she's not as cold as she likes to believe. Hoover's already got his hands full with Braun, trying to keep him on the straight-and-narrow, as Colt had once put it: The Warrior program already feels like a lifetime ago…

It's shaping up to be another quiet night in the courtyard. The few cadets that usually hang around to play cards and socialise are already going off to bed, and the sun has just begun to set. Annie has not had much time to think about matters beyond the reaches of her own self-preservation, what with the certainty of graduation looming over their heads—and the ambiguity of whatever will come afterward—but now….

"Oi, Annie!"

She's not alone, she realises. Jaeger is here, too. How he's managed to extract himself from the company of Arlert and Ackermann is anyone's guess. He hasn't said hello to her yet, just lingers in the background like he's got nowhere else to be, but she can feel him watching her.

She does not remember when this started, exactly, only that it's been a problem ever since last spring, and she has come to recognise her mistake for what it is.

She knows that she could put an end to this, if she really wanted. She knows he would probably let her, as she feels his eyes settle on her back like a knife held steady to the gap between her shoulder blades; he frightens her, unlike Hoover or Braun. Her nails are blunt, digging into her palms; she realises she's trembling. Something sparks off rebelliously in the pit of her belly.

She isn't sure what she'll do if she stays here.

"Annie? Wait up a second!" Against all good judgement she stops, allowing him to catch up with her. "I was gonna ask you about that technique you used on Jean the other day; what's it called?"

Annie blinks. She isn't sure what would compel him to ask such an inane question, or why she's bothering to entertain the thought of answering him at all. But she's let him get this far, hasn't she? "I don't remember," she answers truthfully. "And as I've said, the name doesn't matter. It won't help you survive."

He frowns, like he'd known she would say it but is nevertheless disappointed. It's almost cute, she thinks, then catches herself; Jaeger has always been thick enough to ignore her advances, perhaps to his advantage. A new emotion strikes her now, slow and insidious; when she speaks, her words are tinged with disappointment: "Is that all you wanted to ask me?"

His guilty look tells her enough; she's ready to turn on her heel and leave him to rethink his idiotic strategy, but then he swallows, appears to lose a bit of nerve before he recalls himself: "Well, what d'you want to talk about?"

She's taken aback by the bluntness of the question. Jaeger's eyes narrow, and Annie knows she's been caught. "I don't talk about anything," she replies, trying to be cool about it. He grabs her shoulder before she can evade him; on any other night, it would be the last time he tried. But he isn't moving. She really doesn't understand why.

"Am I supposed to read your mind, then?" he retorts.

Annie knows she's lingered too long; she's breathing him in, can feel the heat of his body through his shirt and wonders—if it's mutual, and if she keeps him up at night. She needs to get away before one of them makes a mistake.

His grip tightens, alerting her. "O.K., enough of this cryptic shit. Give me a straight answer."

She sneers. "You're an idiot, Jaeger."

His jaw sets. "Funny."

Annie ignores this. "But you're not hopeless. You just need a little coaching, that's all."

He scowls at her. "Look, I'll go, if that's what you really want."

Retreat is inadvisable. She studies the shape of his wrist, deliberates how best she could break his fingers, and makes her choice: "Have you ever been kissed?"

"I'm not—what?" Gone is his agitation. He looks bewildered. "Wait, uh. Is that what this is about?" Annie's beginning to regret her decision. She can't quite look at him, and her heart skips when he adds, gruffly: "I mean, you could've just asked." Trying for bravado, but he jumps when she glances at him, just to be sure. His eyes seem a little darker in the low light, his lips chapped, jaw relaxed. His shirt is threadbare but it's all he wears in the warmer months; he's growing out of it. She's never really thought about another human in this sort of detail before, and before she has time to realise the gravity of her error he's drawing her in.

It's not the first time she's been kissed, or thought about it—but it's never escalated beyond the limitations of common sense, and it's never mattered beyond the principle of the thing. For all of the heat in his gaze and the firmness of his grasp, he's very tentative with her. Annie thinks she might be grateful.

They part with a soft, awkward noise. "Um," says Jaeger. "Yeah, so."

He says something else but she doesn't hear for the frantic pulse of her own heart. She shuts her eyes tight, opens them. Making up her mind with the turn of her heel and heads for the girl's barracks; she will not lose control now.

She doesn't give Jaeger anymore thought. It's shaping up to be another uneventful night, which is preferable.

Camaraderie is a foreign concept, better utilised as a tool, and it's why she keeps her mouth shut among others. The girls have learnt quick enough to stop asking where she's been, or why; Ymir is the only one that bothers her, because she doesn't care enough to ask, just keeps tabs on everyone else and will only offer smug rejoinders when questioned, especially when Krista isn't there to keep her in line. She reminds Annie a bit of Reiner, or Marcel, when he was still enlisted.

She's heading for her bunk when someone calls: "Hey, Annie."

It's not Ymir, of course, just one of Mina's friends. Annie had been hoping to avoid this altogether, but she can't be lucky all the time. With a feeling of resignation, she turns her head. "What?"

"We were just…" pause, not to play coy, just testing the waters "…talking, about people we liked." Annie notes the strategic phrasing: people, not boys, elsewise the conversation would've ended seconds ago. She's not entirely sure why it hasn't ended already, because it's not like she'll suddenly learn how to socialise. "Is there anyone you're inter—?"

"No."

An exasperated sigh. "Aw, you're no fun."

"Leave her alone," Mina chides, and Annie has never been more thankful to have another girl on her side.

"But she always does this whenever we try and talk about anything with her!" Greta complains.

"Because I don't care," Annie mutters. No one is listening.

"She was really close with Eren during our hand-to-hand sessions. Weren't you?" Mina adds, looking hopefully at Annie, as if under the impression that she holds some kind of sway in this argument. Or maybe she's just trying to help. It doesn't matter.

"I just said I don't care," Annie reiterates. It's all stupid, anyway.

Greta gives up quickly, stealing Mina away to talk about whatever inconsequential matter has grabbed her fancy. Annie reclines herself and watches the sky turning dark, tries not to think about how inane life will be in the Military Police; at least here she has something to whittle away her days, pretend she has some purpose outside doing what comes naturally—they haven't even sorted out where the Progenitor is, or who has it, or what it would be manifested as—wake up, train, throw herself into this stupid ODM gear exam and then it'll be over and she won't have to deal with girl-talk ever again.

It should make her happy, she thinks. Few things do.

Eventually Mina comes back to see how she's doing: "We have the day off, to-morrow. Did you have any plans?"

Annie shrugs. So Mina sits down beside her. "We're going to graduate soon," Annie says. "I'm going to enlist in the Military Police."

"Well, that's you, Annie. You've definitely got the grades to show for it." Mina grins. "All you and I have to do now is pass the ODM gear exam. Why do you want to be an MP, anyway?"

"Does it matter?"

"Well, you don't really seem the type," says Mina. "You're not like most of the other cadets who apply. You're too…."

Annie waits for her to finish the statement, but she doesn't. Impatiently, she asks: "What, Carolina?"

Mina shakes her head. "Never mind. As long as you get where you want to be; that's all that really matters, right?"

"I guess."

Annie knows by now that pressing for information will only make the situation worse. "I don't know if I'll be able to cut out for much, maybe a spot in the Garrison or something," Mina finally admits, as Annie had dreaded. A knot twists her stomach; providing comfort is considerably out of her scope.

"You'll be fine," she lies. We're almost out of here. 

[karaliswrites]

Blind

The one where Jean is gay for Marco and gives Eren some advice.  Totally not at all similar to another fanfic I read why does this keep happening.  Some spoilers

~~~~~ Jean is fed up.  He’s tired of spending day after day having to listen to them constantly worry about each other.  It’s annoying.  And incredibly painful to watch.  The words and touches are more caring, they linger — it isn’t normal by any means.  And yet, they still are too blind to notice anything.  

Of course, Jean admits he wasn’t too quick on it either, but that’s because it takes a little longer for things to sink in for him.  But it still did, and after a rather short time of knowing them too.  But he’d first started hearing word of it from the beginning.  Rumors started circulating and by the half year mark, the entire cadet corps was trying to help them out.  Because they all saw what was going on and they needed something done about it.  Whether that be to help them be happy together or to stop the gross pining from afar depended on the person.

So, when it’s Jean’s turn for the night shift and he’s paired with Eren, he decides the time has come to give him a piece of his mind just like the others had.  Of course, some had gone to Armin instead, seeing him as the more approachable of the two, but Eren had definitely been informed on numerous occasions.  Jean just hopes that this time, he’ll actually shut up and do something about it.  

The breeze ruffles his hair and he runs a hand through it, trying to calm it, as he lets a soft sigh float away.  He glances at Eren, seeing his eyes trained on the horizon, watching for any sign of a titan.  Jean knew there wouldn’t be much to look at and had chosen to lean back and try to get some rest, but Eren apparently thought something was going to spring out and attack them at any given moment.  But as focused as he is on the task at hand, Jean notices a stiffness about him.  A quick gaze and cloudy eyes that tell him he must be thinking about something.  “You’re worried about him,” he decides to say and sees Eren stiffen even more, his frown deepening.  He doesn’t say anything for a moment and Jean thinks he might be right.  “Now’s not the time for conversation, Kirschtein,” he grumbles and Jean cracks a smile.  He’d never been able to get to the suicidal bastard, but now he knew what made him tick.  The one thing he could discuss that would make him annoyed, but not enough to throw a punch.  Because deep down, Jean thinks, Eren knew he was right.

“There’s nothing out here, why not pass the time with a little conversation?” he asks, folding his arms behind his head and stretching his back.  He sees him roll his eyes, but he doesn’t say anything, so Jean does for him.  “Seriously, why are you so concerned?  He’s not a little kid — he can take care of himself.”

“I know that.” he says a bit harshly and Jean loves how much this is getting to him.  Maybe he’s the only one who can finally talk some sense into the brunet.  “Then stop worrying so much.” 

Eren once again falls silent and Jean is getting a bit frustrated.  He thinks over what he can say for a moment before clearing his throat.  “You know, right?”

“Know what?” he asks, but Jean thinks he knows what he’s talking about.  “That he’s . . . y’know . . . into you.”

Eren shifts, falling into a more vulnerable position and Jean has never seen him like this.  “I’ve heard about it.”

Jean chuckles, running a hand over his face.  “So what do you think?  Do you think it’s true?”

“It doesn’t matter what I think.” he says almost immediately and Jean lets out a breath.  “Defensive much?” he says under his breath and Eren turns to him, a fire burning in his eyes.  “What does it matter to you, anyways, Kirschtein?” he spits and Jean just meets his gaze calmly.  “I’m sick and tired of you guys,” he says and sees Eren’s face soften slightly.  “You two are so fucking gone for each other it’s ridiculous and the entire corps has lost their minds.  It’s the most obvious thing in the world and you still haven’t seemed to notice something’s up.  It’s disgusting.  Just fucking grow a pair and kiss him, will you?”

Eren scoffs and turns away and Jean takes that as a personal victory.  “Shut up.  You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Jaeger, when are you gonna stop denying it?”

He falls silent.  “We both know you care about him, so why not just go for it?”

Jean doesn’t know why he’s being so bold with his accusations, but it seems to be working because Eren lets out a sigh.  He puts his head in his hands and Jean is surprised that he might have actually gotten through to him.  He chuckles.  “So even you, huh?” he asks and Jean knows he’s talking about the rumors.  “Even your dense ass thinks something’s up?”

He puts a hand on his chest in offense.  “Excuse me!” he says and sees Eren smile softly and thinks to himself this is strange for them.  They’ve never really had a conversation that didn’t escalate into a full-on fist fight.  “Did you talk to him?” he asks and Jean feels suddenly a little self-conscious, but shakes it off.  “Yeah.  On a mission.  He was worrying himself to death about you and I decided I needed to say something to get him to shut up,” he says and again sees a shadow of a smile on Eren’s face.  “I’ve noticed it too,” he says after awhile and Jean falls silent, listening to whatever he has to say.  “I tried to deny it.  We had always been that way, so I figured people were just being stupid.  But then everyone started telling me and . . . .”

“And you realized that maybe they were right,” Jean finishes for him and he sighs, looking up at the sky instead of at his shoes.  “Yeah.”

“And?”

“And what?”

“You think they’re right?”

Eren pauses for a moment, fidgeting with his fingers.  “Maybe,” he mutters almost silently and Jean has never seen him like this.  He thinks maybe what Eren is feeling is fear, so he decides to go down that path.  “Have you said anything to him about it?”

He shakes his head softly.  “No.  I couldn’t.”

“Why not?  If you think he likes you, what’s the problem?”

“I . . . .  What if he doesn’t?”

Jean gives him a look even though he isn’t looking at him.  “Are you fucking kidding me?” he asks and when Eren turns to him he sees a raw fear there, a vulnerability he’s never associated with him before that makes him wonder if this is really the same Eren he knows.  “He’s obsessed with you.  Even when we first met, I didn’t know what was going on, but I knew the way he acted around you was strange for a friend.  Do you know how much he worries about you when you’re not there?  Have you noticed the times he stares at you when he doesn’t think anyone’s looking?  He’s head over heels for you.”

He inhales sharply, turning away.  “I don’t want to say anything.”

“Because you’re afraid he won’t feel the same —?”

“I didn’t say I was afraid,” he snaps, looking at him with anger before it fades back into fear.  “I just . . . don’t want it to change anything.”

“It won’t.”

“You don’t know that.”

Jean shakes his head before shifting, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees.  “Jaeger, I’m gonna tell you something and you better listen to me.”

Green eyes look to him, seeming almost blue in the dark.  “Armin cares about you.  And even though it’s obvious he’s in love with you, let’s pretend he isn’t for a second.  Even if he just thought of you as a best friend, which he doesn’t, he wouldn’t stop talking to you if you brought up the rumors.  Even if you confessed to him and he didn’t feel the same, he’d still be your friend.  Because he cares about you too damn much to let you go over something as stupid as that.  Now, back to the reality where he wants you so much it’s fucking killing him, if you bring it up, things are going to turn out okay.  I don’t know him nearly as well as you do, but I know that he’s never going to say anything because he’s too scared you’ll reject him.  So if you don’t say anything, you’re going to lose the chance of something amazing.  I should know.”

He suddenly swallows, turning his face, feeling green eyes burn into the side of his head.  “There was someone who I had feelings for who I’m pretty sure liked me too.  But I was too damn scared to say anything.  And the very day I had gathered enough courage to confess, it was too late and they were gone.  Now I’ll never get the chance to say the things I never did.” 

He looks at Eren with watery eyes, but finds he doesn’t really care.  “And goddamnit if that isn’t the biggest regret of my life.”

He subtly wipes his eyes before continuing.  “Jaeger, I’m telling you, you have to do this before it’s too late.  Before you lose him forever or vice versa.  Just talk to him, would you please?  For everyone’s sake, just fucking tell him.  Don’t end up like me.”

Eren takes a moment to look at him and Jean thinks he might just be considering it.  He’s a bit more emotional than he thought he would be, but figures that’s his own fault.  But overall, he’s pleased with what he’s done.

---

A few days go by after that night and occasionally at lunch or dinner, Jean will glance over at where Eren sits with Armin and Mikasa to see his gaze on the blond, a considering gleam in his eyes.  And one day, luckily Jean looks at the right time to catch Eren telling him something with a serious gaze and they’re standing up to go outside.  Jean smirks to himself, thinking he’s finally done something right.  He makes his way over to Mikasa, though it’s more to give them both some time as she’ll probably start to think Eren somehow got himself killed and would probably walk out to see them making out or something similar.  But after awhile, she gets tired of him and stands up, moving to sit next to Sasha instead.  Jean thinks that’s better than checking on Eren and continues to eat his lunch in silent self-praise.  

It’s probably a few weeks later when Jean decides to leave lunch early and he’s walking back to the barracks when he vaguely thinks he hadn’t seen either of them in the dining hall.  He figures perhaps he just didn’t notice or they were sitting somewhere else and silently opens the door to the barracks.  He looks up and immediately wishes he hadn’t as he sees chocolate hair and then blond underneath it, spread like a halo on the pillow of his bunk bed.  They’re kissing and though it’s odd of him to be watching all this, he smiles to himself, proud of what he’s done.  But then he hears one of them make a soft noise of pleasure and sees Eren’s hand reach to the button of Armin’s pants, and he notices the blond is excited.  He quickly covers his eyes and tries not to gag before backing quietly out of the barracks and shutting the door behind him.  He feels a mix of pride that he had somehow convinced Eren to make a move and disgust at how much he had just seen.  But once he’s calmed down and taken a moment to try to erase the image of them from his mind, he realizes he can no longer go into the barracks unless he wants to interrupt them and sit there awkwardly, pretending to wonder why both of their pants look a bit too tight.  So instead, he decides to head back to the dining hall, deciding he will never open a door without knocking ever again.

[thedistantstorm]

Phoenix Protocol 37

Zavala x Awoken Female Warlock | Mid/Post Forsaken | Slowburn | Gratuitous Descriptions of Light | Self-Confidence/Self-Worth Issues | Redemption

When the Traveler’s Light was returned to the Guardians after the defeat of the Cabal, it did not manifest itself the same in everyone. Miyu, an Awoken Warlock, finds herself struggling with her abilities, her Light feeling different and not her own. With her Vanguard preoccupied with grief and all eyes turned to the Reef, she finds herself turning to an unlikely source in an attempt to rediscover her connection to the Light and define what it means for her as a Dawnblade.

Previously

-/

They spend most of their time in silence, between small skirmishes as they traverse the Hive infested Archology. Ikora makes Miyu do the callbacks for each check-in. At first, Miyu thinks it's because she doesn't want to talk to the rather concerned Titan duo on the comms, but after the third or fourth check in, she begins to suspect something else.

Zavala's voice is… flighty, and it isn't the static. He's worried, but he becomes less so each time she takes to affirming they're still on the other end of the line. It's business-like, professional, they cannot express emotions-

"If I could spare you both a moment," Ikora eventually says, almost softly, "I would." 

"You-" Miyu sputters in response. No matter how many years, how many lifetimes, how Ikora manages to seemingly read the minds of others will always surprise her.

The other Warlock leaps over an Acolyte, arches her back and silences it with a bullet to the back of its head. She lands gracefully. It's clear that her time spent in the Tower also includes training. She has not lost a beat.

"I - well," She admits to her charge and ally, as they return to carefully stalking the halls in search of the missing Guardians, "Zavala and I have… we're talking," She manages. It's clear this line of conversation is unpleasant for her, that she's not used to discussing such things, especially with someone who is technically her subordinate. "It is not," She trails off again, trying to select the most appropriate terms, "Anyway. We are trying, and I thought you should know."

"You don't have to explain it to me-" Ikora's piercing glare transfixes her, and she raises her free hand, waving it in a truce, mildly stressing, "I didn't mean it like that! I just - I figured you'd both come around eventually. And you don't owe me an explanation."

"You've found yourself in the crossfire more than once. Literally," She rolls her eyes at her own pun. "I happen to think differently."

"Even still," Miyu affirms. Tamashii alerts her that it's time for check in, and she gestures to Ikora. "I'm sure he's worried for your sake as well." 

Ikora waves that off, though she does the callback all the same. "He'd worry, regardless of circumstance. He probably hasn't stopped pacing through command since I left." They share the smallest laugh between them at that. Then, as if sensing the moment is appropriate, the senior Warlock straightens. "I owe you an apology," She finally says, the moist, dingy halls as her witness. "I am… sorry for how I treated you, that - that I did not try harder. It was-"

The other shakes her head, trying to diffuse some of the awkward tension. "To be fair, I wasn't trying very hard, either. I'm sorry, too."

Both women watch each other silently for a moment. Ikora tips her head. "You said you've made a full recovery.”

"Yes."

"And the results?"

Ahead, a Knight growls ominously. It echoes from where the corridor opens, linking different buildings encapsulated within the ruined Golden Age campus. Miyu smirks, nimble fingers wrapping around her pommel. It’s an older sword, but the weight is similar enough to the one she’d been using that she can hardly tell the difference. "You'll see."

Her Vanguard harrumphs, though it lacks the bite she's grown accustomed to. She steps aside and gestures for the other to proceed. "After you.”

Tamashii shimmers into place over her shoulder. Miyu looks over at him as she draws her blade. "Ready?" He asks.

Behind her, Ikora blinks in her Ghost's direction. Ophiuchus obliges her non-verbal request.

-/

Adelaide has known her Guardian for centuries, long enough to know that for a Guardian, he's old. Not ancient, but old. Civilians have always made him chuckle, some assume him to be two hundred - a babe, in her estimation, while some add an extra zero and assume him to be two to three thousand years old. Those ones they laugh about for different reasons. They do not understand that it has not been all that long since the Collapse. Of course, that thought itself is always sobering.

Here, however, in the command center, she can see all his years in the frown etched into his jaw, the way his cool eyes cast light on his face. "You're going to pace a dip into the tiles," She chirps at him, in her childlike way. "Everything is fine."

"We could-" Lose them both.

"We won't." Adelaide has her own, similar fears, but she knows him. She can see him working his jaw, all but grinding his teeth. His fists are locked, one in the other palm, so tightly she wonders if he's going to break his own hand. "Zavala, please, relax."

"I should have gone."

"That would have been worse," She says. "It would have been a huge conflict of interest, even for you. And besides, you and I both know that Ikora is more than capable."

"So was Cayde," He replies, stern.

"Ikora will evaluate and think things through. We both know Cayde was cocky and flashy first, and a tactician second."

"Even so."

Not for the first time in the last hour she sends a plea to Ophiuchus to give her something that might be the slightest bit reassuring to her Guardian.

"Oh, alright," Comes the almost crotchety reply, over the comms instead of privately. "Kindly stop pinging me, Adelaide, I got it the first thirty-seven times."

"Hey!" The feminine Ghost bleats, unhappily. 

"We're approaching the portal," Ikora interjects. "When we go through, we're going to lose you."

He can hear the smallest hum of agreement Miyu makes. "We'll be fine," She adds.

"Yes. We should be well equipped, to handle this threat."

"Copy that," Sloane says from Titan’s base of operations, clearly trying to push down her wariness.

"Ikora-"

"We have this in hand, Zavala." Her voice is warm. Calm. She does not sound stressed. That’s not particularly unusual for her overall, but it’s certainly obvious to him. He’s still finding himself surprised when she errs on the side of maternal. "Don't fret."

His laugh is nervous, all the same. "You know I cannot help but to worry anyway."

Adelaide seems to pulse, shivering beside him. "Zavala, they-"

"Show him after we're gone," Ikora answers, a smirk in her tone. "It might help him listen to me."

The comms pop as Miyu murmurs, "I thought you were up to something."

Ikora is laughing in her quiet way as Adelaide throws a beam of Light at the console nearest them. An image - part of a video feed - casts a glow over the room and the Commander’s back. He does not stop pacing. "I am not up to anything, Miyu. I am simply reassuring our Fireteam leader that this is going to be okay. By the way," She segues, "I assume that since the strike generator was useless in this situation, we do not have a name."

"... we do not," Zavala stops in his tracks, agreeing.

"Allow me to propose one," She replies smoothly.

"It's… not protocol, but I suppose that's alright," Zavala relents.

"Phoenix," Ikora informs him.

Sloane accepts it easily. "Fair enough. Safe travels, Phoenix. See you on the other side."

While his Deputy’s voice eclipses the line, the Commander turns back to see the console. Adelaide has paused the feed for enhancement, but it's enough for him to see everything he needs to know. Ikora is rarely poetic, but she hardly veils her attempt to soothe him with her choice of words.

“I-” His eyes seems to search the image, torn between focusing on one area or taking it all in at once.

Miyu sighs, hundreds of millions of miles away and it sounds a lot like the relief he feels, looking at her image on the feed. She is resplendent, wreathed in fire. There is confidence in her posture, her gaze serious, luminous gaze intently focused. There is a an acute ache somewhere deep in his chest he is too disciplined to acknowledge as longing (for now). Her voice is sweet as she tells them, “We’ll be back before you know it.”

He inhales slow and strong. Reins in his worry. “That you will. Be brave, Phoenix.”

[gamora--of--the--galaxy]

Dear Gamora, How are you doing? Are you still alive? If you are, please do reply. Even a brief hello would do. I’m very worried. Well-- I’ve been very worried ever since you left but I’m especially worried today. Furthermore, if you are caught up in any kind of trouble, I’d ask you to transmit your direct coordinates so that I may send a Black Order squadron to your aid. All this aside, I hope you’re having a wonderful weekend. Your loving father, Thanos.

Gamora sucked in a deep breath and powered down the Milano’s glowing screen.

Your loving father: of all the ways to end his letter, that’s what Thanos had said. She couldn’t understand after all the things that he had done– taking her from her real family, keeping her locked away from the world on his flagship, turning his own supposed daughter into a weapon of destruction– how Thanos could still say that he loved her.

It defied all logic, all sense in the galaxy– but then again, so did he.

Perhaps you would need a Mad Titan to think himself a Dad Titan.

The warrioress heaved a sigh and pulled herself to her feet. She was so sick of trying to understand her adopted father. It led her into corners of her mind so dark that it would be easy to lose her way and never come out.

She needed to clear her head.

No–she needed to punch something.

The Milano’s training room, Gamora had always thought, looked more like a jungle gym than a workout area. Piles of strange looking fitness machinery that Quill swore were actually useful, a scattering of Drax’s old daggers and what Gamora hoped wasn’t a live grenade took up the majority of the room but still the assassin had managed to carve out a bit of space for herself

Perhaps because she had spent so much of her life being mechanically “enhanced” by a variety of Black Order scientists, Gamora had always preferred to keep things simple in her training– just her, her body, and a couple of simple tools. As today, she was feeling in the mood to hit something, this particular tool was a punching bag, worn to its last threads by a combination of fists, branches and tiny raccoon teeth. Even Quill had gotten in on the action, doodling an angry looking hooded face on the front of the bag. “Ronan”, was scribbled under it in his characteristically messy handwriting.

Gamora frowned and began a series of handed strikes. She had fought Ronan– most likely had helped to save the galaxy from him. But she still wondered how the others would look at her if they knew that he was merely an intern to her father.

It seemed like the memories would not let Gamora be today without a fight.

Fortunately– fighting was what, from childhood to present passing moment, Gamora had always done best. Slowly the past, her thoughts, the world around her melted away into the rhythm of her palms hitting weighted canvas. Hours, millennia even, could have passed and Gamora only would have noticed the beat of her heart, and the drip of her sweat.

And then–

There was something in the background.

A noise–

“Hey…”

The voice was familiar–

“Gamora, are you alright?”

The assassin gave one last earth-shattering punch to the bag and turned around, breaths that were seconds before fast as a rainfall slowing quicker than most biologists would deem physically possibly. “I’m fine, Quill. Why are you here?”

The Earthian– to either his credit or her detriment– didn’t flinch. “Well… I could tell you were working out because the ship was shaking. But, uh, today if felt less like a mini earthquake and more like a 17 hundred on the Richter scale. Seriously Gamora, are you okay?”

His eyes fell to meet hers and almost suspiciously, Gamora peered into their depths. No fear. No anger. Just genuine concern. Sometimes she forgot that people could be like that.

“I… I suppose I’m not.” The air turned to an awkward silence as Gamora pursed her lips. This was uncharted territory for her- not that she had never been asked what she was feeling before– galaxy knew, her father was nosy enough for that to be true. But this was the first time Gamora could remember that she actually gave an honest answer.

Quill cleared his throat. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“ Yes–” The word was hesitant, almost daring as it slipped out of Gamora’s mouth. But as she turned to the Earthian, she instantly regretted it. From eyes to jaw, Quill looked much too surprised for her liking.

“Really?”

“–but, I can’t.” Gamora finished quickly. She had been so close- so close to making a mistake that would ruin the Guardians forever.

Star-lord, however, was as painfully oblivious as always. “What?”

“It’s out of the question, Quill.”

“Yeah, I heard you the first time, but why not? We saved the galaxy together Gamora– can’t we trust each other now?”

“It’s not that.”

“Then what is it? Honestly. Sometimes I swear you’ve had deeper conversations with your sister the fricking sadist than with us.”

Gamora paused and a look of sudden realization came over Quill’s face. “Shit you actually have haven’t you? Whatever this is, she knows.”

“It’s different with Nebula, alright? She just… gets it.”

“How?” The Earthian’s voice began to take on the same peculiar note as when he was in one of those spitting matches with Rocket. “She’s tried to kill you. Heck if we just aren’t good enough to hear your epically tragic backstory, you could just let me know”

Gamora knew self-pity. In her, the emotion was like a difficult combat drill, always resented but never quite outgrown. But that did not mean that she was willing to deal with it in Star-lord.

“No, Quill. It’s not because you’re not good enough to hear whatever the hell an ‘epically tragic backstory’ is. It’s because it would put the whole team in danger.”

But once it got started, pity was hard to shake. Star lord was on a roll. “So we can’t deal with danger now? We’re the Guardians of the frickin’ Galaxy, Gamora. We just fought a planet who also happened to be my deadbeat father. Danger is just a part of our balanced breakfast”

“Quill. You eat freeze-dried ice cream every morning.” Gamora was beginning to get very, very tired of this conversation. “That’s not balanced. That’s barely a breakfast. Not to mention why I feel like shit is my own personal business.”

“But.” The torrent of words stemming from Starlord’s mouth had ebbed into a trickle. “Maybe you don’t actually have to feel like shit. Damn it, Gamora, maybe we could help.”

The Earthian’s eyes were hopeful. He believed it– Gamora could tell-  every single bit of his offer.

But Gamora couldn’t. She had given up believing in fairy tales long ago.

So the assassin’s gaze grew dark and she turned back to the heavy bag letting out:

one punch,

two,

then words:

“You could help me, Quill, by leaving me alone.”

If the Earthian took what she said to heart, Gamora couldn’t tell. Any noise was drowned out by the cool smack of flesh hitting canvas and the clamor of her thoughts.

[aspoonofsugar]

Selflessness and Selfishness

Hello anons!

These asks can be answered together.

First of all, I will say that my feelings about the chapter changed with every different translation I received, so I think some things are purposelly left ambiguous and not completely solved because they will be later on.

As @hamliet mentioned in her meta, I think that the chapter is contrasting two different POV:

On one hand there is Hange and the alliance’s POV. They are not fighting for their loved ones. The SC have betrayed former comrades and their hometown to save their enemies. In this chapter, the Warriors too are asked to give up on their hometown and their families, so that they have a chance to save the rest of the world. They are asked to make a very selfless choice, they will be no rewarded for.

On the other hand there is Eren, who claims he is ready to destroy the rest of the world, so that his loved ones can live happily in the lie he will create afterwards, thanks to the Founding Titan powers. He is extremely selfish not only in what he is trying to obtain (destroying the world to let few people live), but also in the way he is pursuing it. As a matter of fact Eren is completely ignoring his loved ones’ feelings and pov.

At the same time, this panel:

Can be contrasted with these other two panels:

I pointed it out here as well:

Eren is so sure of his own future that he has stopped searching for an alternative. He can push forward because he only sees one thing. Mikasa and Armin have been more passive and reactive to the point that they almost stopped moving, but they are still looking for chances and for alternatives. Their vision is struggling against a deterministic perspective and this in itself adds to the idea that their path is different from Eren’s.

The panels above make it explicit. Eren is obsessed with moving forward and sees one single path. This makes him stronger in a sense, but also limited and dangerous.

In short, I think these two thematic conflicts will be solved by the end of the manga. Was there really only one way? Is it right to sacrifice one’s loved ones for the sake of the world? These questions tie to the central theme of freedom. How can humans be free if the future is set in stone? How can they be free if their loved ones are lost to a cycle of hatred? What does it even mean to be free?

In this meta I will mostly focus on the first conflict I underlined because I think it is the main one highlighted by the chapter itself. When it comes to the dychotomy selfishness/selflessness, Historia’s character is a key-one because she plays with these two concepts.

When she first appeared in the manga, Historia projected a selfless persona, but deep down her motivations were selfish. She was looking for a heroic way to die and Ymir pointed out to her how wrong that was. Throughout the Uprising, we explored Historia’s trauma and the reason behind her actions is explained. Historia was abused as a child and was taught she had to be a “good girl”, so that others would love her.

The Uprising was about her...well...”rebelling” against this mindset and fighting back. It was about her becoming a “bad girl” in the sense that she would have acted for herself. In this way, the dychotomy selfishness/selflessness, which had been present in Historia’s character since the beginning found a beautiful synthesis. In the end, Historia’s way of living for others was an unhealthy kind of “selflessness” rooted in a weak sense of self. Her willingness to live for herself was instead a positive kind of “selfishness”, which let her help others in a more genuine and effective way. This is because, all in all, people are a mixture of selfish and selfless traits and must find an equilibrium between them.

What about this chapter? In this chapter we see the lines of Historia’s new found equilibrium becoming muddled.

First of all there is this:

This line is a reference to when Levi told Historia to either run or fight. Here, Historia says there is no need to do either because she has accepted her role of queen and has chosen to do what she can to protect the island.

In short, it is as if Historia is going through the Uprising again, but in a reverse way. At the beginning of the Uprising, she had no idea what to do and by the end she chose to make the role of queen hers. It is not a role she wanted, but she still managed to make use of it to realize what she wanted. In short, she used what life gave her as better as she could.

At the beginning of the conversation with Eren, she is still trying to do the same. She sees no other option to save the Island than to go along with the MP’s plan. However, Eren challenges her and puts Historia’s whole perspective of herself into a crisis:

As people noticed, these two phrases are references to past moments. Historia is referencing Ymir when she told her to live with pride. Eren is referencing Historia herself, when she announced she would become a “bad girl”, who saves her friends.

In the cave scene, these two lines went together. This is because Historia becoming a “bad girl” is her way to fulfill Ymir’s request. However, in this chapter these two lines are juxtaposed. On one hand Historia says that she won’t be able to live pridefully if she does not stop Eren. On the other hand Eren asks her to be a “bad girl” and to save him once more.

In order to live her life with pride, Historia should stop Eren and save the world, even if this means she will go through a high personal sacrifice (losing a friend and becoming a titan herself). However, Eren insists she should just be a “bad girl” and live her own life as if the genocide of the world did not happen.

Who is right?

As one can see, the resolution Historia gained after the Uprising is being challenged. She can’t protect the world without sacrificing herself and she can’t protect herself without sacrificing the world. At the same time, she is asked to choose between a personal connection (Eren) and the world.

The choice Historia seems to make is to help Eren. Just judging by the chapter, she seems to be regressing and to give up on the idea of living with pride. She accepts the role of “bad girl” instead.

This ties with what has been an ongoing motif with Eren after the time-skip. Eren seems to take and twists ideas and concepts, which have been with the readers since the beginning.

Things like “freedom”, “moving forward”, “saving one’s friends” used to be inspiring, but right now they have been emptied of all their meaning. They have become slogans Eren  keeps repeating to himself and to others. In a sense, Eren keeps facing the world with the same two or three ideas he has had since he was a child. However, the world has become too complex to be experienced with those same mechanisms. Still, Eren refuses to change his mindset. Because of this, what made those ideals inspiring in the beginning is absent from what Eren does and says now.

In this chapter, Eren is doing the same with what Historia said in the cave. The point of Historia’s arc was not to become a selfish girl, who would sacrifice others for her sake. The point of her arc was to live not for others, but for herself. She had to become proud of who she was. This is why since the cave she has been trying to live pridefully. However, here Eren is using the words, which were symbolic of her change, to ask her to fulfill another role for him. Eren wants Historia to be a “bad girl”, but this is not qualitatively different from being a “good girl”. It is just a different adjective and a different role, but it is still a role. It is still not what Historia wants. Historia does not want a genocide, but she seems to be giving in to the fear for her future and to the feelings Eren’s words provoke in her.

Historia and Eren are the two protagonists of the Uprising and they are the two people, who changed Paradis. However, right now they are discussing of bringing Paradis back to how it was. Eren, who used to despise people accepting their peaceful lives, wants to reduce his friends to “cattle” without will of their own. Historia, who wanted to stop with the lies of the First King, seems to be supporting a plan, which will end with a huge lie.

The world envisioned by Eren is the same world we started with. It is a world where humanity is almost gone and only the people of a tiny island have survived. Eren rebelled against that world, but when all is said and done he is going back to it because he is not able to accept a more complex world than that. Ironically, he is not moving forward, but he is going back.

What does Mikasa have to do with all of this?

It seems that in Eren’s mind, his feelings for Mikasa are connected with Historia’s line. The nature of the connection is still unknown. We can’t infer it from the chapter alone because we still lack a part of the conversation. Why does Historia immediately think of having a baby to escape the MP? There were tons of other ways to succeed at it. And why does Eren connect that moment with Zeke’s question?

We still don’t know.

What is sure is that both Historia and Mikasa are important for Eren. What is more, they will probably end up representing different things, when it comes to his character.

After all, they have been associated before in Eren’s mind:

However, it is still too soon to properly explore this juxtaposition. As for now, if what the chapter shows is to be taken at face value, Mikasa and Historia’s reaction to Eren seems to be opposite.

Historia seems to be choosing her connection with Eren (the moment in the cave) over everything else, even her promise to Ymir.

Mikasa is instead going through an arc, which will probably lead her to kill Eren in the end:

In a sense, this is the same conflict of the serum bowl through a different lens. Once again characters are asked to choose between their loved ones and the bigger picture.

There might still be more to Historia’s choice than what was shown this chapter, so I won’t comment on her anymore. I will say instead that the difference between Mikasa and Eren, which emerged in the serum bowl is showing itself fully in this arc.

Mikasa accepted the inevitability of loss and also that there is more than her and her loved ones. Eren did not. What is more, Eren also missed Levi’s teaching in that situation. It is true that Levi chose Erwin over the world, but he still did it selflessly because he understood what Erwin wanted and gave it to him, even if that was not what Levi personally wished.

Not only is Eren choosing his loved ones over the world, but he is also choosing his own personal version of the world over his loved ones. Mikasa is instead willing to stop Eren from doing what is wrong. Moreover she is willing to stop him precisely because she loves him:

Similarly, she is slowly breaking free of the ideal image she used to have about Eren. She is coming to a full understanding of who Eren is as a person. Despite this, she still cares about him.

When it comes to this, it is interesting that Eren is so conflicted about Mikasa’s feelings for him. As a matter of fact, it is as if Eren is not fully able to grasp how and why Mikasa cares so much for him.

This is why he asks her about it in Marley and later on questions Zeke about the Ackermans. A contrived genetical explanation seems to him more plausible than Mikasa simply being in love with him.

At the same time, Eren is trying to refuse these feelings and to force Mikasa to hate him. He deeply hurts her in chapter 112 and apparently even tells Luise to destroy Mikasa’s scarf.

This has probably to do with the fact that Mikasa reminds Eren of a part of himself he is trying to repress:

Mikasa loves the kind side of Eren, but this is a side Eren refuses because it is also his most vulnerable one.

These are my main thoughts on the chapter and they answer many questions by the anons. To some of the more specific asks, I will give short and individual answers.