#if there is anything i need to fix before its rly ready

[lottieurl]

when i have a good laptop in like a month or two then you'll all see

[newkittypoom]

lets say we have a hypothetical situation where i need to be somewhere at 1pm, and navigation has told me that i need 1 hour and 45 mins to navigate there by car:

i give my travel time a buffer, if i know that there might be traffic or that i dont drive as fast as the navigation app assumes i might, i give or take about 15-30 mins depending on factors like: will my adhd be hard to handle on that day? am i unmedicated? will it be hard to concentrate? will sensory issues fuck me over? am i familiar with the route or nah?

for any of the questions, if i feel like itll make my time blindness worst or make me need more time, i just add more buffer

so that means i need to be out of the house by 10:45am (if i give myself a 30 min buffer for travelling time)

add another 15 minute buffer of "i got distracted by something or maybe i needed to urgently go pee before the drive" then i set an alarm to go off at 10:30am. the trick is that i use a sound i associate with transitions, so when i hear it i know i gotta go, the snoozes are like 5 min intervals so i can snooze 3 times before i really gotta get going

generally, i schedule more time than i actually need for prep, so if i think i need 30 mins to wash up, get changed, eat, etc. then i give myself double the time so i anticipate that i will take 1 hour to get ready, so i gotta wake up by 9:30am if i wanna leave on time

i know i snooze for about 30 to 40 mins, so i will set my alarm clock for 8:45am or 9am depending on how easily i think i will be able to wake up

the night before, i will have packed the bag im bringing out for the "event", laid my clothes/accessories and etc. out and prepped everything that can be pre-done; so for example if u do make up and u know what look ur going for, u can lay out all the products and items ur gna use in the steps ur gna use em before going to sleep

this is what works for me, but i think the gist of my personal system was figuring out where my adhd (and in my case, autism as well) affected my punctuality

time blind! i set tons of alarms along the way to use as markers so that i dont lose track of time, some ppl find playlists created with a fixed duration helps to track time, some ppl find a visual timer helps

buffers buffers buffers! if idk how much time i need i give myself more instead of less, if i end up early i can hang around and wait

struggling with transitions! i use music to set the mood and cue myself, kinda like how animal trainers use specific words or actions to cue animals to do stuff

executive dysfunction can make figuring out the next step difficult! so i spend time prior to the actual execution going through what will happen and what needs to be done. when i used to do labs, my prof told us we need to be familiar with our procedures before the actual doing bit, to lessen fuck-ups, so i do the same with anything that is complex (to me) and requires my executives to be functioning :')

on days that are hard or for events that will be hard, i try to give myself more time and grace to fuck up

ultimately at the end of the day, u gotta know urself and what u struggle with, and in some cases, its okay to be late. if this is about being punctual to work/school or an obligation that requires u to be on time, then ofc pls ignore this next bit, but like. its okay to be late. actually even for obligations, generally its ok to be late. some people might get bothered but that's rly on them. u have a disorder that literally makes it hard for u to be on time. if ppl arent accommodating, they are assholes.

the most freeing thing for me was to first stop judging myself for being late. i grew up assigning moral superiority to being punctual, but in reality???? people who are routinely on time are not morally superior to people who are routinely late. theres no fucking award for being on time. and as mentioned, adhd makes it physically difficult to be on time. u are not late because ur an entitled asshole who doesnt value other people's time, ur late because u have a disability that makes it harder for you vs others to be on time.

anyway this got hella long i hope some of this was helpful, sorry if this was just a rehash of stuff u already know. may ur journey to ur goal of being on time be achievable, and kind to you. love u and wishing u all da best.

perhaps the most important question i’ve ever asked:

does anyone have tips for people trying to stop being chronically late to everything in the world that aren’t weirdly judgmental and aggressive or flat out lies

[kalforhelp]

i think i just need to vent out into the world for a minute so feel free to ignore this (also im sorry but there will be mny typos, im rly bad at typing on mobile and i dont have the energy to go back and fix every single one rn)

im just... so tired of my emotons getting the best of me

as a kid, i was the "quiet child", the "good kid," the one that teachers loved and parents used as an example for every other kid out there

i never burst out in tears,i never had a fit i never had a tantrum, i never caused problems, never screamed, never hit anyone, never never never

i didnt express my emotions like that

eventually, what was most likely a trauma response/learned behavior turned into the expectation. so, as i grew up, i felt like i couldnt express myself. i couldnt be loud. i couldnt be anything than the quiet little angel everyone expected of me.

in my later teen years, tbis caught up to me. my emotions buult up and had no where to go. i was a balloon ready to pop

i kept forcing emotions so deep within me that i convinced myself they werent there

around this time was when i was diagnosed with anxiety and depression.

every once in a while, this build up gets to be too much and all i want to do is s c r e a m. i want to yell at pwople. i want to get mad, get angry, say and do hurtful things. i never do. i always feel shame before i can even think about releasimg my emotions the way i want to.

this is a good thing and a bad thing. obviously i dont really want to hurt or scare anyone. but i never learned any healthy ways to release this pure anger that threatens to blow up and hurt me and everyone in range.

it juat keeps buulding up.

i dont know what to do

i had a thwrapist once. he was a great guy and pr9bably very good at his job, i had nothing against him. he just didnt know how to help me the way i needed to be helped

i cant express how im feeling because i dont know what my own feelings are

ive been shoving them away for too long theyve become unrecognizable

my emotions have become a demon in my head, a being made of shifting darkness woth no shape. this demon is locked in a tiny box in my head, and by god is it hungry and desperate to escape.

im not asking for sympathy, im not looking for advice. i think this, this is enough to feed the beast for today, to calm it down. i guess writing and talking about it really is its own form of release.

if u actually read this far, im so sorry, that got a lot deeper and darker than i had intended

[teklarn]

I NEED A PART TWO FOR BAUKGOU’S AWKWARD CONFESSION!!

𝓫𝓻𝓾𝓽𝓪𝓵 - 𝓴. 𝓫𝓪𝓴𝓾𝓰𝓸𝓾 𝓹𝓽. 2

character(s): katsuki bakugou x fem!reader

a/n: k the first one kinda blew up and i've been on tumblr for like a week and it made me rly happy receiving the requests ty <33 thank u for all the reblogs too !! this is a bit later than i hoped it would come out b/c half of the original fic was deleted by accident, but i’m on summer break until sept 5 so hopefully i’ll still update frequently. 

𝕣𝕖𝕓𝕝𝕠𝕘𝕤 𝕒𝕣𝕖 𝕘𝕣𝕖𝕒𝕥𝕝𝕪 𝕒𝕡𝕡𝕣𝕖𝕔𝕚𝕒𝕥𝕖𝕕!

summary: bakugou finds he’s rejecting his feelings for you in fear of becoming weak, however he just can’t seem to ignore you. 

genre: lil angsty, fluffy at the end

warnings: cursing, one-sided pining, gave reader a quirk, the fighting scene is bs i cannot write action scenes at all im so sorry lol,  second hand embarrassment for our dearest dynamight :(

word count: 2507

pls don't mind any typos! i try to edit to the best of my ability but i tend to type fast and i might miss a few or a lot of things. 

- - -

read part one here my loves !!

you found yourself bored, cheeks puffing out as you swirled around the drink in your glass cup, sitting across from midoriya. he was muttering again, which you’d always found cute, however you weren’t listening this time at all. 

part of the reason you’d rejected bakugou was due to the fact midoriya had requested your attention first, and not as friends. if you’d told bakugou that, it would just wound his delicate ego on top of the fact that you truly had no interest in him whatsoever. 

at the moment, though, he was the only thing on your mind. there was no sudden spark of attraction you’d felt when he’d confessed. of course, anyone would find it flattering that the katsuki bakugou found you attractive. his standards were higher than the clouds. 

at the moment, it felt like something was blocking your chest from feeling something for him, however you couldn’t pinpoint what it was. 

“—it was amazing, right, y/n? y/n?” 

your eyes flickered up to meet the emerald, wide-eyed eyes of your friend. you contemplated lying, but it was no use. shaking your head softly and pursing your lips, you set your drink down. “i’m sorry, midoriya. i’m just kind of...out of it, i guess you could say?” 

he cocked his head to the side. “’out of it’?” he repeated. 

“yeah,” you sighed, head pounding. 

“is everything alright? maybe today isn’t the best time for this.” 

“yeah,” you agreed. “maybe.” 

“do you want to go back to the dorms?” 

you nodded, massaging your temples. “yeah, yeah let’s go home.” 

midoriya let out a soft chuckle through his nose, smiling. “alright.” he offered his hand, and you gladly let him heave you up. 

“i’m sorry about this. honestly, midoriya, i enjoy your company, i really do. but i never assumed you’d catch feelings for me too—” 

“too?” he blinked. the two of you continued on your way back to Heights Alliance. 

you gulped. “yeah, there’s—” 

“are you saying you caught feelings for me, as well?”

your eyes fell blank, lips parting in question. “no, uh. you know what? never mind.” you giggled gently in hopes the two of you would laugh it off without another thought. perhaps you should keep you and bakugou’s quiet interaction to yourself. midoriya and bakugou were already rivals enough. 

- 

the following week was agonizing in many ways. sitting beside bakugou guaranteed that you would get strange, judgmental looks. it never guaranteed his stolen glances. when you’d catch him staring, his cheeks would flare up, and you swore he had smoke puffing out his ears. 

each time, he looked as if he would explode. what can you expect from a guy like him? 

it was easy to assume you’d just pissed him off, though. you weren’t the type of person to tell everyone you’d been asked out, but you needed to speak to someone about it. the thought had been nagging you, stuck at the back of your mind but just on the tip of your tongue. 

you even found that you were distancing yourself from midoriya, who, after asking you out, had insisted you begin calling him izuku. over everyone else, you’d choose him to speak to about the matter, but ever since you’d discovered he had feelings all along, it was strange being around him. 

you viewed him differently. he shot you glimmering smiles and blushed softly when you said his first name. 

“y/n?” 

you twisted around to see mina rocking on her heels behind you. “yes?” 

“are you okay? you seem...how do i put this.” she tapped a pink finger against her lips. “off. you seem off. is everything alright?” 

your brows raised. “oh, yeah. i’m good. thanks for checking in.” 

“is there anything you want to talk about?” she adjusted her hero costume. you and the rest of the girls were currently changing for another training exercise. 

yaoyorozu fixed her hero costume. “i don’t mean to impose on anything, but i have to agree with mina, y/n. of course, there’s no pressure to tell us anything. you’re under no obligation to unless you need and want to talk to someone, but we’re here if you need us, okay?” 

you nodded, smiling softly. “thanks you guys.” 

- 

it was the same training as before, however you were able to select a partner of your own. being that there were 21 students in the class, there was always ought to be a group of three, or one person left out. you’d come into yuuei out of pure luck, as some like to put it. 

you’d found it offensive they’d assumed it was that and not your own pure skill. it’d taken a while to re-convince yourself that you were worthy of being in the class, even if you were usually the odd one out. 

most students had already bonded by the time you arrived here, so finding a partner wasn’t always easy. once you and midoriya had gotten close, you two did most things together, however at the moment, you weren’t quite feeling it. 

surprisingly, your eyes caught bakugou standing alone, eyes scanning the room for a partner. kirishima must have partnered up with another friend, then. it was always them together. 

unfortunately, you weren’t quick enough to avoid either of them. bakugou was already trotting up to you, eyes locked on your figure just as midoriya began jogging to your side. 

in perfect unison, they asked, “be my partner?” (in two very different tones, of course.) 

you blinked between them, about to answer when aizawa came up behind you three. 

“are you guys in the group of three?” your teacher deadpanned. 

your shoulders slumped. “yeah, i guess so.” 

“get to work. you’ve already wasted five minutes standing around.” 

you nodded politely. “yes, sensei.” 

you swallowed. bakugou’s crimson gaze was pinning you in your spot, and midoriya’s lips thinned with a lack of enthusiasm when bakugou looked back at him. 

“get to work, you three,” aizawa repeated, walking away. 

“i can take on both of you.” bakugou cracked his knuckles. 

you clenched your fists. “we already know you’re at the top of the class, bakugou. there’s no need to rub it in our faces.” 

he averted his eyes, cheeks flushing red. it was like a sad, silly way of letting you know you won this fight. 

“i’ll go against you two,” you said, adjusting your hero costume. 

midoriya’s eyes widened. “what? y/n, but—” 

“but i’m not strong enough?” you finished for him. you knew where they ranked in strength, and while yours was just as powerful, if you let one thing slip, your arrows would disappear and you’d be dust. “that’s exactly my point, you two are practically at the top of the class with your quirks.” 

“tch, don’t hold back,” bakugou said, readying himself. 

“don’t go easy on me,” you mocked. 

“y/n, do you really think this is a good idea—” before izuku could finish, you and bakugou launched yourselves at one another. 

you charged forwards. an arrow flew from your hand, twisting its way right through the smoke of an explosion. when it cleared, bakugou was nowhere to be seen. 

a gasp fell from your lips as you turned around just a little too late. your ears rang terribly as your back collided with the ground. 

izuku cried out. green lightning flashed, and he was at your side in a moment. “kacchan!”

you groaned, sitting up. bakugou cut through the smoke with an arm. “fight me, damned nerd. there aren’t any pauses in a real fight.” 

you wriggled yourself away from midoriya. “midoriya, you’re my enemy in this.” 

“bu—” 

“no buts. fight me. and don’t hold back.” 

midoriya noted the determination in your eyes and stood, giving you a sure nod. you were back on your feet in a second. bakugou flew in the air and came crashing down just as fast as he conjured a blast in his right hand. 

attacking wasn’t your best option right now. you were smart enough to know that. an arrow appeared flat at your back and pulled you from where bakugou was targeting. 

cement flew into the air. 

that blast could have wounded you badly. possibly killed you, if he’d hit the right spots. 

in the air, you examined their zealous features. midoriya’s brows were furrowed in that determined smolder. 

bakugou, as always, looked angry. as expected, he charged first, shooting himself into the air. his foot nearly collided with your face, missing my barely an inch. you took your shot, revealing the arrow you’d hidden behind your back. the tip collided with his chest. 

you left the arrow to complete its command and stick your blonde opponent to the wall and trap him there while you went after midoriya. 

while he bested you in strength, you did the same to him when it came to speed. you dodged his punches like they were weak attempts at hitting a ball in a park. 

you grinned. in a battle of strength and speed, whoever landed the first hit would win. there was no question. 

twisting in the air, you allowed the ball of your foot to shove midoriya to the ground. he cried out as his face was crushed into the cement. 

it was perfect timing, as bakugou ripped free of your hold, the arrow keeping him in one spot dissolving into air as soon as its purpose was lost. 

your head whipped around to see him charging for you. 

your fingers curled. the headache pounding at your temples was beginning to get hard to ignore. 

bakugou launched himself at you, spinning in the air like a missile. he really wasn’t going to howitzer you...right? 

when he didn’t slow down, you threw your body to the right, the attack just barely missing your leg. it scorched a bit of your thigh. a groan fell from your lips as you cupped the area around the burn, shuddering with pain. 

bakugou’s chest was puffed proudly as he marched up to you, hands cracking with excited explosions. 

he pulled back his right arm, ready to spark up another fight as midoriya recollected himself. you bit your lip to hide the fact you were quivering. 

it was sudden, but bakugou paused when he saw your hand fly up. 

“give me a minute...” you gasped out, skin still sizzling. 

“y/n! are you alright?” 

you didn’t respond. midoriya smacked his friend’s arm. “kacchan! what’re you thinking?”

“midoriya, i’m fine. don’t stress over it.” you limped to your feet, rejecting the extended hand from your green-haired friend. “i’ll just go see recovery girl.” 

“do you need—” 

you smacked midoriya’s hand away, a little bit more rude than you intended it to be. “i’ll be...fine.” you offered a weak smile to hopefully make up for your tiny outburst. 

although you could see in his eyes he wanted to help, midoriya nodded and stood by, hand falling back to his side. you clutched around the patch of burned skin. the sting had faded a bit, however there was a soreness to the wound that felt like a constant stabbing to your leg. 

you swallowed the pain down, marching towards the exit with determination and a bit of a limp.

you looked back to see midoriya had gone off to tell mr. aizawa what was going on. your teacher nodded, understandingly. 

there were a few worried glances and offers for help in the hall, but you’d neglected them all and found yourself relieved to see recovery girl in her office, typing away. 

she turned as the door opened. “please knock beforehand next time—oh, dear. y/n? are you alright?” 

you gave a tense nod. “mhm. just got a bit banged up in training today.” 

the old woman pursed her lips, smile lines becoming evident. “i see.” she led you to the small cot reserved for patients such as yourself and directed you to sit down. 

she examined the bruise. “it’s fairly bad. what happened?” 

you made a gesture to the door. “i was brawling with bakugou and things got...intense.” 

“that boy has quite an extreme side to him, as i’ve come to notice.” 

“mhm,” you agreed. 

“unfortunately, y/n, i have no ointments to be able to treat this properly.” 

you nodded sheepishly before the old woman smooched your cheek. a soft green glow radiated around you. 

when she pulled back, she said, “now, your body will be trying to catch up on the healing process. that’s what my quirk does. speed up recoveries. since it’s sped up, you’ll require some rest, preferably sleep. i’ll make sure your teachers know you’re excused for the rest of the day, sound good?” 

“yes, thank you recovery girl.” 

she pushed herself out of her rolling chair and left the room, smiling at you.

your eyes fluttered shut not long after that. 

- 

the sun was gone when you woke up, the hallway light flickering off. 

“good, you’re awake.” 

you looked to the left. you cried out, gathering the white sheets around yourself despite being completely clothed. “bakugou! what the hell? you stalker! you creep!” 

bakugou took the slap you gave him on his arm. it was light, and didn’t do much damage. 

“what...what do you want?” 

even in the dark, you could tell bakugou’s cheeks were burning red. “about...about the other day. i wanted to talk to you about it.” 

your chest fluttered in unwanted hope. “there’s nothing to talk about.” 

“dammit, y/n, i wish there wasn’t anything to talk about. you’re insufferable and annoying and i can’t stand being around you because no matter what’s going on, you make my chest feel all funny. it’s stupid, and i can’t take my eyes off of you.” 

heat rushed to your cheeks. “i’m flattered, really. but i-” 

“i’m not asking you to reciprocate my shitty feelings. if anything, it’s better if you don’t.” 

“bakugou, i wasn’t...” you paused. 

“you what?” he snapped, voice soft despite his tone. 

“i was going to say that ever since you...ever since you asked me out, i’ve been conflicted about my own feelings.” 

“the hell is that supposed to mean?” 

“i’m not sure if i like you back or not, bakugou. but hearing you say all this...makes me want to give it a shot. sort of. also, why the hell are you watching me sleep?” 

bakugou swept hair from his eyes. “don’t go and try to change the subject on me, dumbass.” 

you gulped. 

“so what’re you saying?” 

“i’m saying,” you started, “i’m saying that maybe i want to go out on that date with you.” 

“say it again.” 

“what?” you looked up, his eyes boring into yours. 

“i said i want you to say it again. tell me you want to go out on a date with me.” 

it startled you how sure he was when he knew what you wanted, too. this was unlike the last attempt to ask you out. 

“katsuki bakugou, i want to go on a date with you.” 

he grinned. “where to?”

[rhydium]

fuck it starfinite drabble

its 12pm n i haven't slept, @ the two (2) other fans of these dumbasses come get yall juice ig ???? played around w/ a concept i had n figured i'll just ... post it. why not. this takes place in my android infinite au, pre-relationship!! u don't rly need context other than that tbh ((but feel free to ask me abt it i will gladly infodump))

cw: loss of limb (infinite's arm; it gets reattached), references to blood n stuff in the context of intrusive thoughts. please lmk if i need more!!

×

"what on earth were you thinking?" starline near shouts, his voice exasperated, shaky with adrenaline. he's angry and he's afraid and it's, it's stupid, really, he can fix this, but his hands tremble as he rummages through his toolbox, eyes darting over to infinite; missing their right arm, wires sparking, broken and it's sickening. he has to look away again. breathe.

"you can't keep... you — you're being too reckless!"

"i don't have much other choice." infinite says, so simply, so infuriatingly calm, so calm, such disregard for the fact they just had a limb blown off.

starline finds the last screwdriver he needs, but continues to sift around, poking and prodding and inspecting wrenches as if he's still looking for something. if he stops that means having to face this and he isn't ready — he needs to, but he can't.

"why?" he asks, ignoring the way his voice cracks, swallows the dry lump in his throat, "why, infinite?"

"is it really not obvious?"

starline grits his teeth, squeezes his eyes shut. his hands grip the edge of the box. "no!! it isn't!"

"i can be repaired. rebuilt. you can't. it's not that complicated. if one of us gets hit then logically it should be me."

his chest seizes as the words sink in, sink through his skin and down, down, down into his stomach like a stone; his gut churns and twists with guilt.

no... no, that's —

"that's stupid!" starline hisses. that self-sacrificing, idiotic...!

he whips around, locking eyes with infinite, don't look at their arm, don't look at it, don't look at the socket.

"don't speak like that. ever again."

whether it's his expression, his tone, infinite seems taken aback, almost appearing to flinch. they stare at him, frowning, though in a way more indicative of confusion than anger.

"like what?"

"like you're disposable!!"

...fuck.

there's a long moment of silence after starline's outburst. he pulls in a deep breath, pinches the bridge of his bill, averting his eyes to the floor, anywhere else, anywhere but infinite. he thinks about apologising — he shouldn't have yelled like that — but infinite is, this can't continue, they're being nonsensical, they keep endangering themselves, it can't.

"i... you just don't get it, do you?" he murmurs, shaking his head, running a hand through his hair. a small, strained laugh escapes his throat, voice thin. "do you have any idea how it makes me feel, watching you get hurt like this?? throwing yourself around like some kind of — like a living shield??"

he's not going to cry. starline is not about to cry.

"you... could have died." infinite says quietly. "all those times, and today, if i hadn't stepped in — for you those blows would have been life changing, if not fucking fatal. do you know how that makes me feel, star?! i can't let that happen. it's so easy to just, imagine you laying there, not moving, the blood, and..." their fingers — god, the ones they still have — twitch restlessly. infinite picks at their claws.

starline can hardly restrain the choked noise that fights its way out of him.

they're doing this for him, to protect him, this is all his —

"it's not your fault." infinite speaks firmly, as if sensing his thought process. "but objectively..." they wave a hand, sighing, "you know? this doesn't even hurt me."

"it hurts me." starline exhales through his nose wearily. "emotionally."

"i'd rather you be a bit emotionally distressed than dead," infinite scoffs softly, "let me repeat; the damage i take isn't permanent or painful. you, on the other hand, are one accident from being... i don't even want to imagine it."

"then what am i supposed to do?!"

"be more careful and i won't have to get involved." infinite shrugs.

starline groans.

"why does it bother you so much?"

"are you kidding?!"

the lack of response would point toward no, apparently.

"because i care about you, you absolute fool!"

infinite falters for a moment.

"...but. i'm not in pain. i can be fixed. what are you afraid of?"

starline gazes at them wordlessly.

i'm afraid one day i won't be able to fix you.

i'm afraid i'm going to lose you.

i'm terrified of losing you because i love you but you don't know that and you can't know that.

"...star?"

"i — look, forget it. i just, i don't want to talk about this anymore, i need to repair your arm."

"you're hiding something."

"aren't you perceptive..." starline can't help but mutter.

"are you okay?"

does it look like it?

"i'm fine."

"could at least put a little effort into it if you're going to lie." infinite mumbles.

"would you just...!" starline takes a deep breath. "be quiet. please."

infinite briefly opens their mouth as if preparing to protest, but ultimately falls silent. they look away, absently staring off at the far window.

starline grabs his tools. he just... has to focus on work. this will probably take a while, he realises. it's easily the most damage infinite has ever taken — at least during their time with him. he's worked with robotics a long time, but infinite is a highly advanced android, and they require extra care, presicion.

infinite's shoulder sparks again. they don't react.

"...you really don't feel anything, do you?"

infinite raises a brow.

oh. right. i told them not to talk.

they shake their head, and starline nods, uttering a quiet "sorry."

no reply.

"can i... start the repair?"

"...you're not just going to go ahead and do it?"

"no. never. listen, i've made habit of asking for your consent and i have no intention of breaking it. it's your body."

"...i don't mind."

"alright."

starline supresses a sigh and begins to tackle the rather daunting task of fixing up and reattaching infinite's lost arm, which has been laying motionless on the table for the past ten minutes. despite the lack of blood, absence of stench, as would be had if infinite was organic, it's still disturbing somehow. he shivers at the thought of dealing with dismembered flesh, of muscle and bone, and finds himself suddenly a lot more appreciative that infinite is an artificial being.

despite the knowledge infinite can't actually feel any of what he's doing, starline proceeds slowly, gently. regardless of whether they can feel it, their body deserves to be treated with respect. he fiddles with their wires delicately between his fingers, turns bolts and adjusts joints with only as much firmness as necessary, apologises when he has to snap certain supports back into place. now and then, he glances at infinite, who looks oddly tense, contemplative... uncertain.

"are you... uncomfortable?"

"what...? no, i... i told you i can't feel it, didn't i?" they say distantly.

"well — yes, but, what about mentally? are you alright...? do you want me to stop? i'm sorry that these procedures are so... invasive, and it probably, after —"

— no, no, what are you doing don't bring that up —

"...ah. nevermind."

infinite blinks, as if processing his words, and then their expression shifts in understanding.

"you're fine. i mean, this is.... i'm fine." they affirm.

"...okay."

"i mean it. it's... you're nothing like him."

there was once a time starline would have found such a statement insulting. nowadays, he can't be more relieved infinite thinks as such. he adjusts his glasses and continues tinkering away, figuring he won't get much else out of them, at least for now. whatever is on their mind, he'll let it be. the rest of the repair goes smoothly, time passing in a silence that is isn't uncomfortable, nor fully comfortable. he can't help but feel bad about the... was it an argument? he isn't sure, really. maybe that's what infinite was thinking about...?

as he wraps things up, closing the last panel on their forearm and preparing to request that infinite run through a few tests to make sure everything is working correctly, they finally speak; though it isn't anything starline was expecting them to say.

"you could destroy me," infinite utters softly, and they just kind of... look at him, something in their eyes that starline can't put a name to. "if you wanted to. you could rip me apart from the inside."

"i... guess i could." starline murmurs, his fingers lightly trailing over the panel, hidden beneath infinite's fur, the only sign of its existence being several small ridges and the bump of a screw head. "does that scare you?"

infinite smiles. "it's terrifying." they reply. "to allow myself to be so vulnerable... to — to want to let my guard down."

starline blinks in surprise.

to want to...? they want to let me in?

"then why...?" he tilts his head curiously. his hand stills, but lingers where it is.

infinite shrugs loosely. "it's you."

oh.

starline, don't you even think about it, that isn't what they mean...!

he clears his throat awkwardly.

"er... is that... supposed to explain it?"

"it's all i've got." infinite replies. the small quirk of their lips broadens a bit, and they chuckle. "sorry."

...starline finds himself smiling back.

god, he's tired, the past hour has been immeasurably draining, but... this, this makes it all worth it. seeing them like that... it lifts all the stress, the anxiety. he feels lighter.

"thank you."

"huh?"

"for trusting me. i know it... must take a lot."

infinite shifts their hand — the one that hadn't been damaged — and hesitantly, very slowly reaches over. they look between starline's hand still resting on their inner arm, just above the wrist, starline's eyes, his hand again, and starline goes to withdraw — but before he can do so, infinite places their own over it.

"thank you." they whisper. "for treating me kindly. for treating me like... a person."

starline's breath catches in his throat. oh god, he cannot mess this up. infinite never — they never initiate contact like this, ever. he can't scare them away, he knows it's difficult for them to be touched, let alone how much faith they're showing in him to touch, and he will not squander all their progress. nothing will ruin this moment.

"you are one."

"...i care about you too, star."

"i — what?"

"you said earlier that you cared about me. i care about you too," they elaborate, a flicker in their eyes, this time something starline recognises, as quickly as it's hidden again; fondness. a very specific kind of fondness that... no — he isn't sure if he's imagining this or not. he has to be. surely, he's making it up. wishful thinking, seeing what one wants to.

"...a lot. more than you know." infinite finishes.

starline gazes into their eyes steadily, searching, trying to find it again. infinite stares back, almost like they're looking for something, too. oh, how easy it would be; to lean down, move in, to kiss them, but starline is not going there. he has no confirmation infinite likes him like, well, that and, it would be far too fast even if they did. not to mention he certainly wouldn't do it without asking.

"...you're hiding something too, aren't you?" starline settles for asking vaguely.

infinite's eyes widen slightly, then glitter mysteriously, amused.

"aren't you perceptive?"

[littlebigafterdark]

patton's asthma attack and finally agreeing to try therapy

content warnings: hurt/comfort, detailed description of asthma attack, very brief mention of past eating disorder, crying (i always hav that tho)

i copy pasted this from mine and livs discord convo so thats why it might be formatted weird and i swear a lot also if you see "hhh yeah" then thats liv commenting hshshsh

patton has had a cough the past few days because BASICALY since priscilla (remys cat) visited hes been more breathless with his asthma but he didnt tell anyone bc he doesnt want to worry them or make it so vee never get to see priscilla again if she cant visit anymore

so his asthma is acting up but he ignores it - and hes had asthma cough for a couple days (which is a sign of an incoming asthma attack) but again hes ignoring it, hes so used to brushing off symptoms he doesnt click what it means and he diesn ttake his inhaler when he needs it

WAAAHH oh fuck oh my god oh god wait fuck i just realised

the moment patton gets his asthma attack its saturday afternoon, roman is little and playing with logan and vee isnt quite little yet but fae's on faer way there, fae is very giggly and playful and patton says "okay babygirl, lets go get you changed!"

and when he gets up from the couch he takes a moment to cough and just stand still a sec bc he got suddenly dizzy but he pushed through it to not worry vee, and he actually usually lifts her onto his hip straight away, but this time he very subtly is like "okay hold daddys hand while we walk to the stairs"

so they get to the stairs and patton of course lifts vee up, and theyre only a few steps up when pattons breathing gets really heavy. it makes vee frown and look at him and say "daddy am i heavy?"

and patton smiles and shakes his head, because hes too breathless to speak. but he pushes through and hurries up as fast as possible

once theyre at the top of the stairs, patton is wheezing. his chest is rattling and whistling and he suddenly loses his smile and quickly hurries away from the stairs to place vee gently on the hallway floor, and as soon as vee is safe patton wobbily sinks to his knees and leans his head against the wall. his eyes shut tight trying so so hard to breath but its realy whistly now

and vee of course panics. "dady? papa are you okay??" and whimpers when patton doesnt react and clutches at his chest

and it throws her out of her semi regression. she jumps up and hurries downstairs, a little wobbily but ultimately fine. and she speints to where logan and riman are and yells "daddys h havin a panic attack!" and instantly starts crying

logan and roman were in the middle of a game and smiling and laughing but as SOON as they hear that they jump into action. logan runs out of the room to go to patton and roman grows up and runs to vee and lifts her up to shush her cries and calm her down - they dont even share a single look before they do this, they both just instinctively know what to do

and logan of course finds patton and realises its an asthma attack not a panic attack - he goes into his emergency like emotionless mode where he just gets the job done. he asks clearly where patton keeps his inhaler and patton just shakes his head. so logan alarmed asks "you dont have a reliever inhaler??" and patton winces and shakes his head again.

logan sprints to his room into his bedside drawer to find tthe inhaler he keeps for emergencies double checking it hasnt expired

he sits with his legs around patton, patton leaned back agains his torso, and puffs pattons inhaler for him and times the attack and the puffs (knowing that if it isnt better after ten puffs and fifteen minutes they have to call an ambulance) and using his own deep breaths against pats back to help him recalibrate his breathing

luckily it only lasts 8 and a half minutes and 8 puffs - but logan is so so shaken about the fact that that was very close to requiring medical assistance, he had his ohone out ready to dial 911

once pattons attack is over he's finally breathing, short and deep at first gasping in the oxygen, but within a few more minutes of sitting against logan it slows down and is much calmer. hes very shaky because the reliever inhaler does that to you, and weak from the tax on his body, so logan helps him up into their nearest bedroom (pattons)

at first he calls roman to swap places with him and watch over patton hust so logan can change vee into a diaper since she regressed from fear as soon as roman picked her up and obv he cant change her diaper

so roman sits with patton while logan does that and roman is actually really quiet and awkward and nervous, just looking wide eyed at patton and hugging himself.

and patton feels bad abt that and whispers "its okay little prince, daddys not hurt. im sorry for scaring you, honey" and roman just chews his lip and nods and looks down and they dont talk again until logan is back and roman goes out to take care of vee and logan comes in to lie with patton and rub his chest soothingly

logan is distressed and frustrated and shaken at that point but he knows not to have their conversation until the next day bc patton will be emotionally and physically exhausted

but the next day they have a serious talk - logans pretty ANGRY that patton was so ignorant of his wellbeing that he didnt refill his inhaler, patton brushes it off but logan says its a good thing he secretly kept one for patton (bc he almost suspected this might happen)

it rly hits patton when logan tells him if he had needed anymore puffs than he took they wouldve had to phone an ambulance - like patton not wanting to worry his family by admitting his asthma was acting up backfired way more and has made them worry even more because he had a full attack that could have gone so much worse

the whole conversation is VERY stern and serious even at the start when patton smiles and chuckles and jokes and brushes it off logan just gets frustrated and upset. logan is SO angry literally he is glaring at patton when patton brushes it off and makes jokes abt it and he snaps.

logan actually very seriously tells patton this is self harm and patton goes WHAT nonono no its not i dont know why youre getting so worked up

and logan fucking SNAPS like "Youre not giving your body what it needs to survive because you dont think your worth that!! you're neglecting your basic needs to the point of needing urgent medical care, doesnt that sound familiar??? doesnt that sound like something we've both been through before???" clearly referencing his eating disorder

and pattons eyes go wide and he profusely apologises hes like im so sorry oh my gosh logan honey im sorry did i trigger you im sorry and logans just like STOP APOLOGISING this isnt about me its about you!

and he sso angry bc he thought they trusted each other but the fact that patton didnt tell him when he literally couldnt breathe is so scary to logan

but that is basically an argument bc logan was so fucking worried and devastated that patton has ignored his health to such an extent and vee gets nervous bc both her and roman can hear them yelling and she thinks the cgs will breakup bc they "had a fight"

but once theyre finished talking and vee shakily asks if theyre not gonna be a family anymore they'll of course comfort faer and talk abt it, its not a fight its a disagreement and mummys and daddys have those sometimes. theyre still a family and they still love each other very very much. they all soend their family day together as usual, though patton isnt as able to get up and play with roman understandably

also the fact this all comes around the same week patton and logan tell vee that janus wants to babysit, thats why patton has been absent from the blog recently i guess bc hes been keeping busy trying to work through his feelings of janus wanting to come in

hhh yeah... the way it lines up to patton's other insecurities abt janus coming into the family and it all just piles on too much all at once

so on monday morning logan goes with patton to get more inhalers and they actually stay out for while like they go to a forest or smth just to be alone and help patton recenter a little - he's always loved being in nature, it really brings him a lot of peace, being in nature is really the best way to keep patton grounded from his dissociation, thats why hes always gardening

and logan doesnt want to be angry at him and he knows patton needs support and comfort atm even is patton doesnt think he does so they have a calm day just being together and logan trying to remind patton that hes there for him

HHH stop bc they YEAH bc they kinda had a fight even though it did get 'resolved' but they needed to take time to reconnect their energies and like show each other (and specifically logan show patton) that their love is still secure and their friendship is still strong - just the quiet care of logan taking patton somewhere they can just be alone without responsibilities

secretly patton was rlly upset that logan got angry with him but he didnt show it but logan KNOWS him and he knows he needs to fix it with queality time (pats love lang) because pattons been alone a lot recently, its just been that he keeps busy and accidentaly distanced himself bc the others would all be busy and hanging out in some way and he fet a bit abandoned but yeah logan is dedicating the whole day to him

and patton does end up talking abt his inner turmoil a little but not until theyre like in the middle of the forest and hes a lot calmer and theres no one around, he just feels so much calmer and safer in nature to open up like that.

and this is when patton tells logan about his worries about janus becoming closer to vee, and how its lovely for them but what if it hurts vee, what if they dont get along, what if they DO get along and vee wants to move back with janus. Logan doesnt say anything to the worries, he knows patton just needs to blurt them out while he can, while it mixes with the sounds of nature.

then patton mentions quietly that dr picani phoned him a couple weeks ago and told him that he would like to offer patton a trial session of therapy - not with vee, just patton. logan very calmly asks if that sounds like sometnging that might be helpful for patton and patton just giggles nervously "um i dont know. Vee has therapy"

logan frowns. "yes she does. but that doesnt mean you cant have it too, if you would like it"

patton goes quiet and looks anxious, scratching at the moss on the log theyve sat down on. so logan takes his hand and looks very earnestly at him and says gently "i would like you to at least accept the trial session. It is your decision but... i think it might be worth a try"

patton nods a little, just looking at their intertwined fingers. and after a long silence where they can just hear the birds tweeting and the wind rustling the leaves and small animals scurrying along the grass, patton finally looks up at logan and breathes "i'll go to therapy"

and when patton says that out loud suddenly his eyes well up and he sees logan smile at him - a little sad and a lot proud - and feels his hand squeeze and the tears just dont stop coming and he hides his eyes but laughs nervously like haha dont know why im crying this is so silly! but logan doesnt say anything to it, he just pulls patton into his side and rests his head on pattons head...

and patton keeps trying to laugh and joke but its so choked and sad and nervous and wet and logan wraps his other arm around patton too and just grntly whispers "pumpkin, its okay if youre not happy right now."

and patton just starts sobbing into logans shoulder and logan holds him so tight as they sit on the log

patton cant cope with silence when its about him yknow, he couldnt handle logan not laughing or tutting at his jokes so he just kept joking until logan insisted its ok to be sad

so once they get home logan sits with pstton while he phones dr picani and books his first solo therapy session for friday morning

[flipchild]

2, 10, 13, 24, 28, 30, 33, 36, 39, 40, 46 for the asks. oh thats a lot

what is your problem <3 you're lucky I am avoiding work

2: Do you drink tea or coffee? How do you take it?

both; black coffee; black tea, usually chai or Bigelow lemon lift; my favorite tea is lapsang souchong

and I like a cappy chino wrt espresso

10: How tall are you?

5' 10" (177.8 cm)

13: Fears?

Snakes! I am fine looking at them but my adrenaline response goes OFF whenever I see one out hiking.

I used to be afraid of heights but I climbed rocks and bridges to get over that and now I like to climb and shut off my fear of heights.

Getting stuck in a rut and not knowing how to get out, or not caring to get out. I can see myself as a bitter alcoholic in some futures (not that that is such an awful thing to be-- I just do not want that for me because it would be an awful thing for me that I would have trouble placing myself outside of it bc eventually i would desire to do so (however distant and vague.) Relapsing in general, I have an inability to self-regulate THC use if obtaining weed is an available choice. If I don't view it as an inability, I WILL justify using (with or without my noticing of doing so.)

24: When was the last time you cried? Why?

I've been on SSRIs since high school, which I think is actually the last time? I would really like to cry sometime soon, I could use it.

I was in theatre and cried over doing last shows with my friends. I only rly cried when ppl were leaving my life (breakups, last times, etc). I have a trait inherited from my mother (and just from like, society) that I rly hate being seen crying so it's always behind closed doors.

28: How are you, really?

uhhh. I'm alright. Today hasn't been particularly eventful, but I think I've established a baseline where I can't lay-about. I have a lot of trouble relaxing, which is why I smoked in the first place (if you want to pathologize, and yeah it is resultant from "ADHD" and deleterious in the environment I live in, you could call it vigilance.)

Ready to move out: I am nervous for the upcoming semester since I'm more set up for success than I've ever been. I've had trouble academically due to executive dysfunction and lacking time-management skills, and so a lot of my summer has been working on growth and healing etc. oh and making up late work. I got a YEAR extension on two final essays which is incredibly dangerous for someone with the conditions I have. but I'm almost done with the first class (at least 60% of the work!)

Growing, being myself, becoming myself... doing so in my home environment is exhausting. Realizing I have a codependent relationship with both my parents, and trying 2 set the boundary where even tho I know how to fix their communication issues, it is not and should not be my job to be my mother's sole confidant and communication-teacher.

30: What are you looking forward to in the near future?

I have an apartment I'm living in with two of my friends and I think it will b rly good for me. We are all fairly recovery-minded and two ppl with executive dysfunction living together helps both out immensely. Excited 2b back in city, not excited 2 lift unwieldy furniture.

Going back 2 school, going back 2 my job at the climbing wall (i have hardly climbed all summer!!!), I have a friend who I think I have a crush on, I just need 2 ask her out for realsies. we went on a date before summer and I don't want to lead her on / leave her in limbo. but she's sweet and smart and works harder than I ever could and I do genuinely think we enjoy and lift up each other.

33: Do you sleep with your door open or closed?

closed

I could never ever ever sleep with my door open. at home my door is allllllways closed if i'm not in my room. Partially an addict thing but I've always done so. I scrap for every scrap of privacy I get here.

36: Do you like your middle name?

Yeah! Not to doxx myself, but it's Sinclair-- I initially thought to change my name to Claire as a shortening, but that would simply make my name Claire Sinclair and while that is funny it's not as funny as my initials being ASS (which they are.)

39: Do you stay up late?

usually and since forever. In highschool it was BC that was the time I could be lazy/do what I wanted/pace around to music. In college it is because I didn't make enough of my day so I had to bail out my shipwreck fueled by french press and crisis.

40: Do you like the beach? Do you prefer it sunny or cloudy?

Yes!!! I love to swim in saltwater. I am not a strong swimmer so I am afraid to go far out. I like it sunny BC its usually the most light exposure I get all summer so my freckles come in ^_^

46: What do you need when you’re sad?

a hug, a cup of hot drink, some time alone with the promise that I'll have someone to talk to when I'm ready,

IDK. I have not had anyone close 2 me who I feel comfortable sharing that I'm sad with in far too long... Like ostensibly my parents COULD provide that but they're too busy hounding me over productivity. maybe remy or elle or laney could do that for me. or Dusty or Jos. actually those last 2 strike me as the best equipped 2 help me thru great sadness... not that I particularly experience anything more than regret or malaise too often...

thanks for sending me 200000 questions, anon. I love you. I hate you

[broodingteen]

Story idea

Todd having major acne, and thinking everyone looks at him like hes ugly bc of it. He has major anxiety about it and it bothers him a lot. Neil sees him rly self conscious abt it. He says "look at my face" and todd finds a lot of acne too. But he says "I can barely notice it, I didnt even realize." And neil says "yea and I cant see any of yours unless I'm rly searching for it, your fine."

This is a story outline not a fic, dont bully me.

Its ugly.

Red bumps. Valleys and fissures across his skin. Todd looks in the mirror and sees a familiar picture, as if he needs more of a reason to keep his head down. He's always been told his acne was normal, but ugly isnt normal. He trudges out of the bathroom, and gets ready. Keeps his head down in class. Taps his leg, looks out the window, studies the cracks and marks on his old desk. Anything to keep from raising his chin, having people see his whole face.

He can feel his breath catch at random times. He doesnt need a reason, if his face isnt enough reason. During English, lunch, study hall. His vision blurs around the edges, he stops breathing for a moment. Just a moment, before catching his breath and keeping his eyes fixed on his latin. He sits with his roommates, his fellow dead poets, if they consider him a fellow dead poet. He cant look up at them, and he doesnt talk to him. With a few words from Neil, they dont question his silence, and it comes easy for them to all finish their work, one of them silently correcting another when its needed.

He doesnt go out for an afternoon walk. He doesnt need more exposure, he already feels like every peice of armour he has is stripped away from his. He goes to his shared room, and lays with his face flat in the bed. Breathe in, and out. He turns over and lays on his back, his vision blurring slightly again. A few tears leak out of his eyes, but after a few more breaths he seems to be at a manageable level.

"What the hell is going on with you?" Todd jumps a little, his shoulders clenching again.

"Wha-what do you mean?"

"You've been even worse than you usually are at ...everything? I didn't...you know what I mean." Neil leans against the wall by his bed, his head leaning to look at his high-strung roommate.

Todd is sitting with his back against the wall, his legs pulled up to his chest, only his eyes visible over his knees. He is shaking slightly, his body shivering to cope with cold that isnt there.

"I'm fine, dont worry about it."

"Is it homework? Are you just stressed?" Todd looks up, suddenly confused by how wrong the statement is. Neil is sitting on his bed now, across from him. He looks on as Todd scratches his face, exhaling as he drops his head into his knees again.

"Wow. If its...you realize we all have acne right?" Neil is dumbfounded. Dotting Todd's face are almost unrecognizable spots. Not the worst, and especially nothing to be ashamed of in a school filled with teens. Is this the reason Todd's been catching his breath and tapping his foot all day?

"What?"

"Look at me, Todd. My face is literally covered in the stuff." He tilts his head, showing off his cheek.

"I..its not that bad..you can barely see it."

"Todd, yes you can. Yours is about the same as mine, and the same as most of the boys in this school. Todd can feel tears leaking out. His breath even more ragged then before. Neil looks completely normal. He must then.

"Its...its fine then? Noone noticed today? I looked... in the mirror this morning."

"Dont worry about it." Neil chuckles.

The two get in pajamas, crawl into bed.

[willykappymarnsmatts]

Wrong Direction: Chapter 2 (K. Kapanen)

@moriellymakesmesoft

“I just got off the phone with Max,” it's been two weeks since I've moved into Will’s place, my stuff still in boxes all over the apartment.

“Oh?’ William responds, tossing me a smoothie from the fridge as we get ready to go to practice. I still go to sleep in tears and wake up with puffy eyes, but Willy makes me feel like everythings going to be okay, if not today then someday soon. “How is he?”

“Good,” I tell him, scratching at the back of my neck, refusing to look up at him knowing what comes next. “He asked me to come stay with him. Well, he didn't ask. He's kinda forcing me.”

“Oh,” Will says. He turns around and faces me with a look on his face of a mix of betrayal and hurt, and it makes me want to burst into tears. “Um, well, are you gonna go?”

“I have to, babe. He's my brother, and he said that if I don't come by myself he'll pack my things for me the next time he comes to Toronto.” I feel bad, but I do miss Max.

Willy just frowns at me. “When are you leaving?”

“Uh, tomorrow. He said he'd buy me a plane ticket.”

“To Montreal?! I could drive you!”

“I know, its okay. He’s the one paying so I don't really care honestly. Don't we have to get going?’

“Yeah,” he giggles, glancing at the watch on his wrist.

On our way to the arena, I take deep breaths to try to calm my racing heart and shaking hands. Seeing Kasperi this often still hurts just as bad as seeing him in bed with that girl. But the whole situation has given me a lot of inspiration for a new song that i've been working on, bouncing ideas off of Will day and night.

He notices my agitation and reaches over to grab my hand. “After this, you won't ever have to see him or me ever again.”

“Hey, don't say that,” I pout. “I'll be back and i'll move back in with you, if you let me, in a couple months. I just need a break from Toronto. Everything I know is laced with memories of him. I can't even enjoy your games because he's there.”

Will nods without looking away from the road. “You're always welcome at my place. We’re all still really pissed at him, you know. Mitch hasn't spoken to him since that night, and you know how Mitch is. Auston doesn't even look at him, and Zach’s only talking to him because he feels bad that everyone is making every effort to ignore him but me. The whole fucking team loves you, Y/N. Oh, and Derms took a slapshot at his ankle the other night and he had to sit out for an entire period.”

My eyes are brimmed with tears and I have to look up at the ceiling of the car to keep them from spilling over. “Can you let the guys know i'm leaving? I'll obviously talk to them, but I don't want to be the one to break the news to them.”

Will nods. “Of course.” he smiles at me then and looks away from the road for a split second to wipe away a tear.

•••

I sit in the third row to watch the boys’ practice and try to continue writing, but the yelling and pucks hitting the boards constantly is distracting, so eventually I give up and watch them skate. During a water break, I catch myself watching Kasperi. All he does is take a few deep breaths, but watching him like this, as if nothing ever happened, makes my heart shatter. Before I can look away, he looks up at me and I watch his entire face fall. He stares at me and I stare back. He studies me, as if to memorize me. I can't look away, and he refuses to skate away. He continues forward, until he's at the boards and we’re a few feet away from each other. Neither of us can pretend we weren't looking at each other. He stops, and so does my heart. And we just watch each other. Just stare. My heart is breaking with every moment that passes, and my stomach hurts, because he was my everything.

A whistle blows. Kasperi whips his head around. The sounds of the rink come back into my ears, and we’re both taken out of the world where we were the only two people who existed. He skates away, glancing back at me once before never looking back at me again.

•••

“Y/N,” Willy says as soon as I answer his facetime call. I've been in Montreal with Max for about two months and I released my song about a week ago. Wills is driving back from practice, which is when he gives me a rundown on how “incredible” he was and how he's gonna kick ass at the next game. But today he looks anything but confident, his forehead a mass of worry lines and his mouth turned down into a frown.

“Y/N, your song is saved on my playlist, and I got the aux this morning. After practice, it came on. Most of us were singing, and I glanced at Kap, and he was just sitting there in his stall. He wasn't moving. Just staring straight ahead.”

I sit up. “Woah, slow down. I thought Kasperi and I were finished.” When I moved away, after the day at the rink, Will told me that Kasperi stopped seeming to care. He was out with a different girl every two days, bringing random girls home every day of the weekend. It still hurts, but it hurt more to realize that our entire relationship meant nothing to him. But if Will is telling the truth, which I don't doubt he is, it makes everything a whole lot more confusing.

“I thought so too, but listen. I think that it was your voice at first, Y/N. He hasn't heard your voice in months. And then he heard the rest of the song, he listened without moving, and as soon as it ended he got up, in just his slides and shorts, and fucking left the room.”

I'm silent, letting Will talk. “The rest of us didn't know what to do, so I tried to follow him. I found him in the weights room, and he was in tears.” Will flicks on the turn signal and turns onto his street, then glances at his phone to see if he should continue the story. I nod at him, holding my breath to keep from breaking down at the thought of Kasperi.

“I went to him and sat with him, and he just cried. I haven't seen him cry since he thought I was getting promoted to the bigs and he wasn't. But he was sobbing. So I sat with him, and eventually he calmed down enough to choke out that he misses you. He told me the girls were a front, and that he hasn't been able to sleep ever since that night. And, Y/N, I dont think he's lying. His eyes always have huge bags under them and he's so shaky. So I asked him why he did it, but he didn't have an answer. He said he missed you and he felt like you didn't love him anymore because you were always out doing stuff for your album, but I told him that was bullshit and he said he knew it. He told me he can't breathe without, and that he hates that he hurt you. So I told him to talk to you, and he said he'd try to text you later today.”

“Damn,” I respond, not sure how to feel. “I want to love him again, but I don't know if I can trust him.”

“You don't have to. He knows he hurt you, and that he has to work to get you back, but I am asking you to please just try to talk to him, because fuck, Y/N, if there’s a such thing as soulmates, it’s you guys. You're both in so much pain. Take your time, keep your walls up, but just talk to him.”

“Okay. Okay, fine.”

“Thank you, beautiful best friend. I'm home now, so I'll call you back in a couple hours?”

“Yeah, that’s cool. See ya.”

He ends the call and I'm left in silence. Then my phone dings with a text notification in my hand, and my heart picks up speed. I know exactly who it is, and I don't want to look at it, not right away, so I throw it across the couch with a pillow on top of it.

I put my head in my hands and try to slow my speeding heart by taking a few deep breaths. “Fuck!” I yell, then silently thank Max for going out a few hours ago. I wipe my face with my hands and sit straight up.

I stare at the pillow my phone is sitting under, knowing without ever checking that there is a text from Kasperi Kapanen waiting for me. My phone dings again and my heart jumps. I stand up and rip my phone from under the pillow.

‘wrong direction huh’

‘i miss u’

I cover my mouth with my hand and my eyes brim with tears. I sit back slowly onto the couch and read over the messages two, three, four more times before unlocking my phone and tapping on the text bar.

‘Dang, how'd u know it was abt u?’

I smile slightly as I type out the message and hold my breath when I hit send. I don't have to wait even a second before the three bubbles come up on the screen.

‘no idea’

‘ig im just tht good’

I laugh and type out another response.

‘Imyt. How r u?’

I bite my lip when the text bubbles come up, and a few seconds later his response comes.

‘could be better tbh. can’t sleep @ the apt nymore so i spend the nites b4 games @ 1 of the guys places’

My breath catches at the words. Then another message pops up.

‘im so sry 4 everything’

I bite my lip and close my eyes, taking a breath.

‘Thx. I havent stopped thinking abt u’

‘me neither’

I take another deep breath. Kasperi was my favourite person, my person, for so long. It's scary how easily we can fall back into simple, comfortable conversation, as if nothing ever happened. So I decide to be straight up and honest with him, and if he really does still care about me, he’ll understand.

‘U broke me, Kasperi. I never thought tht u would hurt me, and u literally broke me. I miss u more than nything and it hurts so bad to b without u, but seeing u in bed with another girl, tht broke me. It felt like our whole relationship was built on lies, and tht u never actually cared abt me. So yeah, i cant stop thinking abt u, and i want to b able to love you again, but u broke my trust and idk if ill ever trust u like i did before.’

I hit send and feel like I'm going to be sick. Everything I type I’ve told Will and all the other guys, but after the day I left the apartment, I never spoke to Kasperi about anything. The three bubbles come up on the screen and I hold my breath, then they disappear. They come up and disappear a couple more times, until a message finally pops up on the screen.

‘i wish i could take back everything i ever did 2 hurt u, but ik its not tht ez. i rly do want 2 fix this, tho. would u b down to ft l8r?’

I can't breathe, but I manage to type out a response without screaming.

‘Sure. Just text me when ur ready’

I take a deep breath and click my phone off. I'm about to get up when my phone dings again. I glance at the message and it makes my chest feel like it's going to explode.

‘ok i will <3’

I smile down at the screen and go to plug in my phone so it's charged when Kasperi wants to call. I really don't know if I'll ever be able to trust him again, but the least I can do is give him a chance to apologize. He's already broken me so badly, even if he lets me down again nothing will compare to the amount of hurt I’ve already felt.

[revol-lover]

dreams don’t end at “30″

so i just had a little breakthrough and maybe this wont sound like anything to anyone else but i just have to share it

so i’ve talked about this before. about how my friend and i were both planning these personal development like goals for this year that covid got in the way of. and he said something, about how this is his last year in his 20s and he wanted to get some goals accomplished before 30 

and i thought about that and realized something.

i have been feeling similarly about a few goals that i’ve been hanging onto for years and years. like i’m going to be honest with you, some people might remember this if you’ve been around here for a long time but probably not. anyway when i was in high school i really wanted to make music, sing, learn an instrument. and i did make some covers that i posted on myspace (showing my age here lol) and youtube but then i kind of gave up on it when

 1) became 18 and realized my dream to go to NYC and pursue music when i was 18 wasn’t happening because of a million reasons (it was very much a pipe dream, right? i mean you can’t have that dream and not prepare for it and i didnt. also i was too scared at the time to even move out to my own place if i had the funds to do so because my parents wouldnt have really approved and i was still so under their thumb) 

2) broke up with my musician boyfriend. which needed to happen. but he was the only person super passionate about that kind of goal at the time around me (till he ran lol)  and he actually is still doing music now so good for him but basically 

because of those 2 reasons i just let go of that dream all together as something i thought i wanted to do but was “unrealistic”.

but the thing about turning 30 and feelings like you needed to achieve all these personal/dreamy/goals in your 20s. what is that bullshit? why? 

what changes when you cross over to 30? i’ll tell you one thing. media pushes movies, books, films, everything about people chasing their dreams in their 20s and “settling” down in their 30s. where’s my inspiring movie about the 32 year old mom who finally wrote a song and performed it live after being terrified her whole life of doing so?

 think about it though

in your 30s you. *might* have a better paying job than you did in your 20s. which means, if you can manage to find time or a way for it, you *might* be able to save a little more money or afford to do something like, buy that guitar and guitar lessons in order to learn to play and write a song and live out your dream in some way, even if its just learning to play so you can play at an open mic. and maybe you’ll like that and you’ll somehow connect with likeminded people and form a band. idk. your dreams dont have to end in your 20s. 

you dont have to fall into the trap of your 20s are for your dreams that are so big you feel like the chance of achieving them is getting struck by lightening

and then your 30s are for fancy adult goals like buying a house, and going on a $10k vacation and those things are probably just as hard as the goals you had in your 20s but the world wont make you see it that way. its seen as “selfish” to prioritize and budget for your artistic goals - but not a house. no that’s responsible and what you “should” do. but its ok to prioritize something that’s going to give your soul fulfillment too! we need to believe that! because it’s true. we are not here just to work our jobs and live mundane colorless lives once we aren’t considered “young” anymore (but 30s are still young. not what i’m saying)

 you’re always going to be chasing something big and if you let the world control what that thing is you’re always going to be on some rat race. 

it’s fine if you achieve your goals in a different order than the world says you were supposed to. i got married young and had a child young, that was how my life played out and i’m happy with that because, yes, finding love and becoming a mother very much were goals of mine.

yes i dropped out of college because i couldn’t afford it and i couldnt find a major that felt worth being in debt for. and also, because hey guess what? contrary to what a lot of people will try to lead you to believe, college is not for everyone. and college does not = success. college drop out does not = failure. it’s just an option of something you could do with your life. AND if you didn’t go to your college in your 20s it doesnt mean you can’t in your 30s. or 50s. hell my husband, who did go to college saw elderly (think, 80s!) people going to his college as students! college isn’t just for 18 year olds fresh out of high school. 

My 27th birthday is in 2 weeks and no, i have not yet to worked up the courage to write an original song from words to music, or have the courage to get on a stage and sing anything, or talk to a stranger, or publish any of my writing or art, goals i’ve had whirling around in my brain since I was 18, but, it’s going to happen. maybe this year. maybe when i’m 35, but it’s going to happen. a number is not going to be the thing holding me back.

that whole mentality of “my youth is slipping away i need to achieve all these dreams before midnight the day of my 30th birthday” is so stupid and flawed and we all deserve to see ourselves, and our individual potential as more than that. 

last part of this rant - one of the reason i even became so passionate about reignighting some of my dusty, old goals, that it turned out, i still cared about, is because i had a moment where i was like

ok i am a mom. i am someones mom. how will my daughter see me, as a person, not just her mom? 

kevin and i always talk about how between the two of us we’ve both had a lot of quintessential young adult experiences that we look forward to sharing with her. like, quitting jobs, getting in car accidents, that one time i unknowingly participated in an illegal bonfire and ran from the cops then lied straight to their faces and somehow got away with it (literally my ONE act of teen rebellion), changing college majors like 3 years in (kevin), failed classes, tried cigarettes, etc like i’m ready, and hope that one day she will feel comfortable talking to us about things because we’ve been through things and have a lot of input and two different perspectives to offer

but further than that, i realized that i want her to know that her mom is a person too. i want her to know that mom is also passionate about writing, and music, and somehow tackled some of her goals in regards to that so that SHE can feel that SHE, too can do those things. and i know that, that is in part how it works 

because,

my dad IS an artist. my dad IS a musician. yall. my dad is SO talented.  my dad is brilliant. besides his artistic abilities which include, drawing literal realistic as fuck portraits, sculpting, painting, playing guitar, bass, piano, mandolin, he also knows music composition, etc etc etc beyond all of that, he also taught himself fucking PLUMBING and ELECTRICIAN SHIT to fix things in our house growing up. like he bought a book. and taught himself. my dad. i grew up thinking that was normal but i realized not everyones dad can just tear down the bathroom and rebuild it from scratch down to the plumbing without being a licensed professional.

but anyway the point is - as talented as my dad is, he doesnt really pursue his artistic dreams much. and its sad. i’m glad that i’ve seen some of the work he did when he was younger. i’m glad that if i bring it up, he’ll show me something he can do. but he doesnt pursue it anymore really. my dad works an exhausting physical labor job but even he, as a 50something year old has fallen into that trap of like, i dont have time to draw, but he will scroll his phone and read articles for hours and i’m not shaming him. i’m just saying we all have this problem in the modern era of technology and social media and what not (hell i am writing a post on tumblr instead of my book right now).

but if timing was different and my dad grew up in a different time, where lets say something distracted him from doing the little bit of art and music that he did when i was a kid that i was able to witness, if i hadnt seen that. i wouldnt know that.. in a way.. that’s in me. i mean, he’s my dad. if my dad could pick up a craft and work at it to be good at it, why can’t i? there are so many musicians and (kind unrelated but not rly - i think being “self made” is an art) business owners in my family. there’s either some common thread in our genetics ORRRRRRRRRR just growing up around people working at and succeeding at those kinds of goals shows you that it CAN be done so you’re more likely to believe in your abilities

and i want that for my daughter. because even as an almost 3 year old i can see that she has a gift for music, and reading. and even if i’m wrong about that and she grows up wanting to do some other thing as a job or hobby, i want her to know, by seeing her mom do it, that she can achieve anything she puts her heart to. you don’t have to box yourself in because of your age or your sex or the fact that you’re a parent. 

and your dream doesnt have to become your career. it can be a hobby and still be fulfilling. like yes, 18 year old me dreamed about some life in nyc singing in clubs or bars or whatever and being ~famous (lol) and that did not happen, but i can still get out there and play open mic downtown and get that love of music, and desire to face my fear of performing out of my system. maybe i’ll love it. maybe i’ll hate it. but i’ll have done it. and that’s the ultimate goal. 

sorry i went off but i had to get that out of my system and i’m very passionate about 

[40ozalctears]

the sweetest kindest little ringing remind or ashtin or spooked rabbit keeper sweetest, spiteful my vices ahh!her luv damn. why!

The cause of harm is the greed and not the farm that you arm your weakest prodigal son, in the wake of a maybe fatal frigid Hellscape frozen over the hold over Queen majesty - when all they want is the monarch taxes back - like do u rly think the easy dirty easy money like stealing, type super  funny, honey its sweeter than the milk and soft as the spin the scar tissue hard. Trust me, the watching who hold hate close to the knowledge of the madgods jewelry is stinking of lunacy, from the quiet kind boy behind the monarch stark cast of Godlike endless hatred rage - take it from the prophesied leader of spirits who know prophesy fulfilled when he listens to to the whistling of ancestor spirits. Shh. Pawned so many rings that belonged to wrong ruler and song girl bringer of here. I am  crystal clear that I am the Belle the Gaelic attempt to keep it super sly and secret. Keep the sharp teeth wolf boys feel. You use the hints and kinks in the story is so old to known to young unsung but done as done prophesy is - stuck in a state archdruidic sickening states of being wasted on the loss my rightful throne and every hidden secret locked in the labyringth in Gothic leviathan cathedral bearing my Gaelic, as the eventually overthrown Roman blew in the gail winds of fading traditon, until no one listened - French, drenched in gas so the most certain ancients know that the young stuck between wolf with teeth perfectly shining, glistening like misshappen young Bellovaci younger holy boys who were just always in a feral state as this, to purr and meow and give the serpent hiss in the name of making your place certain beneath more primal - I relinquish the dirt that just sits in the sink, until I relinquish link to like the hoops in the ear that would claime me the the arch-druid so sickly addicted to every little drink that is as ichor of death, to be anything but self assured in the word of the lycan simply lurking. Stuck between sprint, torn denim, more wolf than man, more Perfectly evil than pleasantly Godly like the most ready to know the foam that forms when see see her have their beloved dark black long hair sheared like wheat and chaff before the wind - like the sick should fall to the bloodied slice of the sickle - for less obvious matters, let the frigid whisper of winter being fickle, just enought to tickle the just to depravity. As such, the little who felt the eyes of boy who circled the edge of town as if he could not exist if not considerign the sting of monarch moth never more than a state eternal failing - the bread of a war machine God called Heaven, and stole my lost profit lost cost of certain life - being stuck in the state of eternal decay, which I studied and loved until I travelled under and dug, and built a man made moat just so you and your favorite things that makes you a sweet thing, and I would let your eye widen as the Sun dies again, for how many nights we d did not fight against sleep, as if it was impossible to not see the glow of the her slow in the bright of the certain doom and the looming harvest of farthest mens beliefs- understanding them from the wise who came far from the East, and so when I fed on what I studied to be the understanding of the love of another that was as fulfilling as shared cute snack that feels like return of the hero, but no great war - just what she stored I locked in impossible chance of ever being forgotten in the permafrost frigid acceptance that my ribs form a page that is nothing short of permafrost accounting for the Godliness of Loss - so for all the simple beauty and the cutie doe with the fawn eyes who I saw forever in a way, sleepîng on a hateful yawn, and as soon as she wakes, blinks, yawns, I steal her from the fate of never escaping the state of eternal maze - by which I named my first son already the Scarecrow Prince who will only  know keeping away crows, and those who know the harbingers of death, if you trust the call of keeping death then you invite again the flow of euphoric state of moon blasting through, like it baptizes you new under the last name you gave as you noticed her lose the tame, like a newly free thing who was only knew cage - I suppose many act as they should as if they ever only knew rage - for all labyrinth trap and reasons of setting traps for the unwanted seasons, so in the sickest of seeping Spring I know one ring keeps me sharpening teeth, and assured that the meek not sheep for the weak of the word, but the deared dark-eyed soul  that I saw tending to to contraption that was asked to keep us in safety, and just as the sweetest of sickly sweet thing that makes all lycan boy, between and here and there was a maiden, one of iron, one which was so tired, that it tired me, even in my infinite gift of plan to hatch the love of my own twisted roots of oak until I am choked by the end of my joke that is just make the sweet doe eyed in the man made moat I spit this as quick as a slit I would made, but it would take little more me to riddle a liittlle harmless threat, with the debt of what is owed to the protector of Queen of all that I have seen more goes than majesty, tragedy that it had to be you, and I saw her look away, but I think she was keen of a certain sense to know I was such a penniless who could spend endless words for you learn that it takes as such, that you get as much as you give, and even to keep her breath steady - you not  take your never ending, butterfly wing, malfunctioning thats most fear but she hears vibrated like like quiet of the hum and summer nights - and so for me take the claws, fix both red stained glass eyes, wide as severed - ways to explain that it painful to say that given what I have scribbled in the hieromanic of trance, and I cannot sing and and dance like I do not having to call for the Fall of Man, just every plan of man, no matter well maid, always led themselves, naked shivering, exactly to the step of my trap, which I simply set to wet my taste that in my heart the start of the most bright exploding morning flail - the believe that mourning any distance bright candle simply doused by the petty candle lick, quick-witted way the light of your life might just decide one day, in its trickery, sickening mastery of things more man than a boy who finds join the acceptance as wolf more always in between, hurting and dirty for never truly becoming, but since in absolutely delightful beauty quiet she floats on the wooden boat, Singing in tongues what might be the meaning of death in  ending of sum - in that if speaking trying to make sense of the sounds is beyond the bond of human to the satisfaction with simple humanity, not having grasped the the roots and found how to shoot start out of the sky on  a night  so loud from the crowd of surrounding pounding drums, of those fat-bellied fascists, who heard word you of your solitary goddess too honest to ever say she just believes without being knowing as so many, too-knowing will claim until they slain the in the name of the lie - I remember the Ilai, Eli, of course...a a lie, I have thought the less real lamb that stood as she stands, as he landed on the peak of Golgotha, the Aramaic was perhaps soft on the dying son confused by the plan of the Eternal, that when the nails jailed themself to a cage of childish rage, in his purity, in his fury, the absolute terrifying baring of teeth, from a thing more than a man who we only know as the Italian son of a man who weaponized the need, of knowing the idea of the Son, asking the father for a taste of Honey, as burned to death due to fault lines in the times conflict, the Son would consider, despite the nights in wild, where I was the child and babe possessed, nearly the Lord of Death - given mastery over connection to Father, God, the peak of throne - just as the wildest time I ever came close to perhaps becoming too full in my how MUCH my teeth bled as I felt them become blades, that only most alone lycanthrope knows that in a statone of alone, given nothing but instinct, and the nonsense worthless broken porcelain that looked so wrong in it raped poor, sad fatal estate, as the rate increased and the feast my own consuming of stars in the sky forgetting the name of the Hatred of the idea of my meek littlle priestess - seeped in my need of simply believing in Queen, should the Kind pawn and not think for a again, at least inn a state of knowing it staying put in insanity, instead of grasping at the fact, so beautfiul but tear-filled years and years of waiting, Hating the need for blood spilled -  sip on sour cloud break int raped time I believe I must drink the blood to avoid the or, some prophesy that is as misplaced as a poisoned chalice, or even living in a palace, as I lived in what i make an intricate safet confusing little maze of a cluttered and dimly lit clean as can home fit for as modest and as the innocent stern deity who submisses to no dismmissing of her strength in the way the drenches the weak in the their defeat - became as haunting, piercingly loud, as if thhe crowd of the rage of a forget tradition of boys lost in the most deep of Belgic, someone some-where look like the Sun King withought the messes of lost den dwellers wishing for one gem laden gauntlet of a boy so Shining finally given the palace where he stood like the final piece to the puzzle, but any failed watch maker who understands the importance of the love and  acceptance of failure - to sit in silence as loud as the sound the once-dead no piercengly quiet -only tickicking the old heiroom , alone in the darkest little steel  box of lock between myself and what seemed to be the reason i even kept any thing dirty, having a penchant for ugly, as it is easier to hug, with unwarranted terrible pain, that if I should given a shame all the was of the certainly nervous and tall nothing but simple boy, who kept strange so deranged and misunderstood, the closest I ever became to command I then claimed over how we become the beast we studied, the most, so le loup garou je troube q c maps mal nous tous les jeune honnes, donner in the grace of the silliest stiill alive-ancients, I remember waking to up the nothing but fear, clearly awake, before I considered that the stuck between stations of dashing and springting with tongue out more in between than ever, and severed from reality like nape of the rapist of health, who deserved exactly how painful it is to attempt to take the breason of breath of a deathly sweet little thing, that I had no quarrel, with so many inner-wars possessing my core, this came as 2 and 2 would naturally come to one who lives for another but must act out of of absolute focus on the swarm of locust, of channeling the hate the state of still convinced of weak willed humanity always grasping back to the need to such greedy with our grasping little human disease name our most useless scraping of kness, simply to not exist as mist with a debt to death, that will never be paid until in your maiden, somehow still, as sweet and, as opened like the intricate lock, who only ever talked so soft, though never stern as if to teach those who do not know how made the young boys go when laid bare to the fair skin little thing, and the presence of something listening, lurking and working on the moat, so he has a place to return, that I earn the trust, as my mane because the the River Styx by which the depth of how trim ourself fur and how soft we pur, keeps a little thing like, what seemed at first to be weak little sheep, who watched as i watched, weeks on weeks. i think think of the God Army who drew blade in the name of those who came most like there before - brought about the strength in the week after week, until walked tilted in the way of a wolf, though alone, mostly likely believed a sort or auditory glitch cast by the shadows and  tossed at me like a joke of a bone, simply to give me the idea of home, that I would her here still quietly, but so softly as sweetly - something I wanted to ask but was terrified to even utter to to no one for nothing in silence, she awoke the new sense of 6 all together as one, and for all the boy so scared of the swinging like moon in the sky, when i was convinceded of something tied to things not allowed to those who do not have the raising of dead, all i think id like to just try to return from..if not the grave than the furthest forgotten part of the den, where this story and meaning began as it ends - just a way to say i know exactly why you know what i knew, and i hope against hope i do not lose sight of the memory of you - because although forever boy  -with vices and plain as a night with just white rice and help help of her so harmless little smirk and a wink, that made the pendulum brain that swung like i as hells  bells were insane - as in not quite normal, as normal we love - it all seemed so normal until we were visited by boys, who saw the goddess of seasons in this simple quiet absolutely shierking riot of so many ways she would love, to  tell you all the the words she knows you think of them too much and so when, just when become so accepting of the power your hatred of having to wait - to just wait until the gates by which you always would return her staring, although as if, withouut casting you a spell of  smile, you stop and and look at pacific clearly piercing blue - that for all of her tears that welled up as after 20 nights in defiance of any sort of defeat - as is if being apart,though as he deep how the frozen hold outside the jail of you eternally lost, but kept in sigh chest - where i see the mathers failig and erring to say, I know you began as seeming to sculpted from diamond, though second, the wolf second  sum, more loud and addicted to pride than the smaller though, equally capable man, who just because he can run on all fours as his foretold type apocalypse fate, was as interesting fate fatal as the final pale horse her death - and I do not remember exactly when I began to notice, the boat floathing alone, or when my bright as sprayed over faint barely dim stupid quiet was not chrome or calling me home, by my allowing for all - the absolute Belgic Prophecy joke, that began simply as stupid, but in presence of the spooked little rodent type queen - switched names - without asking why, I suppose that in the attempty of knowing how we know how, and by no means do i say this this with hope ,to achieve the same cheating way of reaching such perfect connection life, than finding your reason to not be Hateful of God when god has been failing idea, of the might of the male, that the simple fact at the bottom of all - is that the Fall of Man is silly little becoming the return, of when I think i will deserve to stop trying be either incredibly far, either evil little devil grasping at the need being weak and pink like,a pig, or in the face of death - the forgetting of breath, i do believe i must rememer the name, the message more than sent in house how many ways, as studied as any believer in science, by wise as the misunderstood men in the dresses from east - so in the incredibl terrible rage, terrifying reminder, she is just theperfect little strength of the flood of all time, for the perfect cute thought little whimsical nonsense word spoken in tongues, simply because she said so manu in barely audible cute litttle whisper lispy magical lilt - i do not think i am of the acceptance of born to die,just as in the dying light of the night Moon gave the light on things in tht nearly blackened painting canopy brush - each as deep as the piercing I made - that was not necessary, but perhaps as if if to stay, i will remain close to the hope digging and searching all the rocks and the mud, until I return to just where I was, until I stand to reason that was a man without her seeming reason for me to defend my hatred of each season, but the love the way they all die so quickly as if they know exactly when I am becoming physically ill by not a shift in understanding of her. i think it was ashtin - like the dust dust to eternal rusting of my loss of self into choked back fears until years of years of studying the defense against against anything bent againt I would feel the power of endless power in the little bit of lovely blood, that once again reminded where I began that bit of a dream, that seems a bit too dramatic of anything more than panicking dream. But my word, the rodent she named Oliver, soft and attaching to words like they are herds she saves with  a simple different way slaying their understanding on plain until the unheard know her death when her breath is missed is harshest in the breach iof the rift in the stone dark endless wall how her breath clears the fog, and sends the echoes back home in whisper just a little lisp, little kiss on my lips, a sly wink with an entirely unexpected opening of entrance to entire  too much to look without being to have your jaw slacked wide - as if the little unexpected so quick little joke, make slit the unknown threat and simple bet her slight bit of doubt in my weakness, i suppose she might have had - and although i do not low i crept as the wind  often does, to bring about clouds when the blue is too much of lie for sky to accept - the debt of your once hated seething refusal of death, allowed again to renew simply by the news of the dreams of the queen who was, ash- ashtin. spooked rabbits are just needing one, as so ti goes...the cutest little feets. keeping me in state of accepting my defeat and knowing the tirump of eternal here and there insanity that had me consuming a star, one by one until the undoing on sun was brought about  queen without the way of making thos who crossed the way with evil kept in its sway, had my pulsing blood, as fucked as the hellish dark of black matter noahs boat couldnt hold - despite being ebnt by the old joke - the grace of god - how one man leading the other keeping the Fall as evil menacing as it kept gluttonous fiendish fucking tearing apart all the planes as if to grow greater in danger to the consatnt and terrifying state of new danger of a  maybe hades boy who ddi too much grasping at pinkish shell to let myslf be reduced the feral final story, horror to some but silly little clever story, that had me eating guts and close to none,a dn then I might the final sum, and we only spoked in like poetic guessing, and, and riddle spun in the funniest little nonsense tongus and you could lose all sense and sight of self -  i think i saw a glimpse of her tasteful, when I cried so long into them moat, that if she left for how I protected her and her little, then just as I took gathered all then found all colorful shades of Easter hues, I thought how she would look up look from some written words - that I know she I loved had never heard - and every time she looked from from the blue, i learned something from the eyes in the books and words i never knew - just to put me where I need to be, to clear pulsing pride from bloodshot, sclera  slit like tip of ice - just as if to say - wolf - what was it! Doggy! DOG BOY!  To catch up to me in my stupid race, and give me exactly the bitter taste of how much she knew in calm and little lil just barely out the pink ishupon which quit the pyre lit - as when I took at the happy easter colors, and I CURSED her named, and named her killer of every color - now that moat is turning black, and the sky shows all the suns so much at once, that at the zenith of the apex boy - little predator muttering all nice sweet letters, because in the frantic end of choice - you not much of choice in - when you you your eyes and count to ten youll wake up up not  stuck in questions asked, so many times that the night  is just the final break day, where eternal empress who claims her seat - only kept around by the spare and rotten, which the boy who always knew, that he hated any end, but not than he seethed at the types of you, who always approached the little lamb, with no regard for how she lead the herds, or which she spent the pitch black birds, with little lick of lips and tonguepoked as if to say, I dont to scary you - its just the way I bite! To make you wonder, and faint and make you beg for me to say that I am not dead, in the native tongue of keeping me tracked by not enough breath to explain - stupid lungs cannot keep up with brain! and so just as I felt the clear the moat around the little steel trap cottage,which in intense dreary clarity pain, I remember how shed always up though the softest sweet soft cooked rye break eyes, which I would break with woodlant carcass, dead, but this type sweetness reminder of her would keep the memory so fucked a blur, that when I needed the guidance of the hiding empress, Ash- Ashtin. I remember her important on the fidget little wind up nature - of the small ones but must be scare, and when i was so close to something more - I do not care for the letters  and their and tried young symbols, I forget how just, a more recently learned cast in iron, attempt self to make the pariah undertood - by way of building the knee sout of rotten would - I do not think or remember or cared cared - to ever do more than simply stare -or imply what youd so quick succinct, without the fear or  drink at the brink too many silly drinks to death, I remember how the static how she just threw all havoc in side my head, and I do not think how it was crackling snow on snow, unlike other other little question that I knew to do, was I given the absolutely never allowed chance - for the lady priestess who herself who so clean of pride - that she took the form of something so  weak in stature - but if was was real ash or rabbit, spooky rodent or wahtevr oh no dew! im so close to new water on the grass - she would say something  something equal  smart - and in this i knew i shaped my heart in form which i recall our elbows linked, and in this, the sotry clinked, like chainmail just so perfectly made, that when i closed my eyes ans the ring of pearl blue simply slain - by knowing that the death of pain,would be cutting the story short, just who had long forgotten why he kept me weight alone - under earth and across the darkest emerald thicket where in the almost dark drk of calm cool breeze - it almost seemed that something she jagged knife told me so many times in a way defeated, there are so many you times you rhyme your want with rotten meat - each time so produ to drop your pittace at my feet - id notice things id though she keep to herselp, like ifif she heard a sound that sort of clicked, she used all her little rabbit nervous, and look at the place that sound had surfaced, shed dart her eye look up and down, i swear to god the became possesed ttha little - as if this tiny little secret might have been some unknown weakness of myself, and sense ofsilly self alone, or how she hated to admit - as if she only felt my  tense and nonsense wit, and how id  spit and drool some nonsense shit, when perk and smack my mouth,and when shed calm and look all normal, shed twist her eyes so deeply wide and locked the a perfect socket into mine, like the human little shaky princess off the greenest ever dark shadow shade - that robot intensity was if her closest thing to shame, as if she knew when  returned the secret little glen, she hated when i knew she cared  - as if she knew the stupid end, and hated the love and silly nickname as though she did not think the the first name fit, and we spoked and we went on and in the game of just the longest song, which always began with us just screeching cute littl sounds, until, shed begin with A, as if to see how w eboth felt to do, with eah little letter we knew so well,and I remember an ANNOYINGLY loud, and I liked to do things just know with how id b so glad to know want cares, for me to be sory of follow hey very little cutey challenge, so i held her given named above her head - as if to bring her to my secret little home - and anoint with strangest deepest love warming feeling - until corner her with feelings -until were both so dumb kid squealing, I corner her with her given name , as she was the one cutie types, no matter silly im am, ur the dumber piece of stinky dumb dog pudding slung so poorly, like its barely even taut at all - that the only time we were said such cute little things, that rhyme together, are so dreamy perfect, as im not sure if we even rhymed at all, but in night as our giggles turned to cackling tearfilled calls, we would end just other begins, just as simple sum as dipped in depth as deepest why crying over the dimming sun is oh nopers! as shed often say. id hear here do her beauty cutie thing where shed say, the type pitter patter nopey nopers, until l my hopes are all in where I hope she keeps the darkenest wait, so quickly lit with razor wit, that right before i sleep for the firostin so long again - she finally has me brawling crying out for the light of lights to not go out, that a final word shared just before accept hoh nopers dannnnnngit! Dange gangly nooonopers! as she just liked to she how silly she could sound, but when wanted to bring just edge of life, and making the queen the jewel of the dirtdog simple, the priestess of the brightest secret light, who ended each and every night, with final thing if to jsut a silly tired thing, and I rememebr one really faded in to greatest chipped old fade- in the love of the little fidgety way, that on the dirst in central little metal room - enthused by how it felt like such a lovely tomb while drifted in and out of sleep, everytime id come back to awake, shed be staring directly in eye my eye, or even wake me up with her fucking Hey! Fuck you! type ofpicking at my skin blackhead whitehead or little red think she could pick, as if me not knowing  thats shes afraid that i dont know,,that even though the little snarky rude type silly teacher preacher joker stoker of the loving flame - she thinks mentioning lame is stupid all bark mr neutered bad dog! lil piece of crap.  n then, feigning sincerity in sweetest way possible her eyes roop and he strts talkin all  sorry andloopy  , and says super very slow, i know for a fact shes spitting on my eyes oh my loird this absolutely silly evilly queen of jokes, fuck stoked the fire so i know my f;ace, and im just as i tryin to mutter - wh..are you..spraying your nasty stupid spit  on my f-f-face.I know exactly how but why id even why this stupid little chunky  chimp do do anything just on a silly whim - to prove chance, that although a very loud annoying little yappy annoying dog, and based on this i would  and must always let her win. even when shed really make me start to cry  because i thought about how she would either disappear or either disappear of or be gonetoo long 2 diappear - or just be ok withou withou the fear-  gone too long and just because intilledwith fear until she calls me stupid just all day long, sometimes sall ur silly things get to me way deeper than they ever should - just because i feel my knees creaking like crutches with twoodworm and the rotten wood - but when the sweetest little knows im a bit too sh turns from stupid annoying silly thing, worth all the waunt gather in the form of my simple fear of the obvious big unspoke thing if we were either prepared or knowing that the beauiful haunting song, of hows omething would be lost, if we simply lived all boring quiet, because in teh certainy of her going i umumumum. I dinnot say YOu are..STOOpidn, i sad you....are souping! souping out! and i stop and i realize exactly why I go....oh...yeah? and i start laughing... and gasping and  hey ashtin. for all the metaphor. what do i have to do do for spooked rabbit self to pitter pitter patter. I suppose I know what’s been the matter

[dammitjameskirk]

well its holiday time!! that means so many families will have more free time and theyll think going to the movies is a great time had by all!! this might be true for anybody actually going, but its definitely not true for anybody WORKING THERE THIS TIME OF YEAR.

so here are a couple notes from somebody who works in the theatre business and i am so gotdamn exhausted by the hundreds of thousands of families i see walk through the doors of my building

THE END OF YEAR HOLIDAYS FROM NOVEMBER TO EARLY JANUARY ARE THE BUSIEST TIME OF YEAR FOR ANY MOVIE THEATRE, HANDS DOWN. EVERYONE HAS TIME OFF AND COMES TO THE MOVIES, YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL AND MILLIONS OF OTHERS ARE GOING TO THE MOVIES JUST LIKE YOU. REMEMBER THIS WHEN YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE LATE OR BUY YOUR TICKETS AT THE DOOR INSTEAD OF AHEAD OF TIME.

everyone makes minimum wage or less (minors dont have to be paid minimum wage, PLUS theres no such thing as overtime or holiday pay in the movie business); youre yelling at literal children almost 100% of the time and quite frankly they have no control over any of it and you throwing a hissy fit will help literally no one, not even yourself

the movies cost mega money if you dont come prepared; eat beforehand if you dont want to spend anything extra. tell your children no if you have to, theres no reason to spend 5$ on m+ms if you cant spare the money. we understand and feel just as badly when we have to tell you the total

if you bring your own snacks, none of us care as long as we dont see it. take it in undetected and you better throw it out afterward as well; if youre not buying any of our concessions then youre not paying for us to clean up after you

(yeah, the concessions cost so much bc thats what pays our paychecks. the theatres do not get any money from ticket sales, save for MAYBE 10%, depends on how long the movie’s been out but most of the time the max amount of money made from ticket sales is about 50 cents. concessions pay for employee paychecks and the building running costs)

BRING YOUR ID IF YOU ARE SEEING AN R-RATED FILM. ALL R-RATED FILM TICKET PURCHASES ARE LIKELY TO BE ID’D AND IF YOU DON’T HAVE IT THEN YOU’RE SHIT OUTTA LUCK. policy for most theatres: you have to be at least 17+ to see an r-rated film WITH A VALID ID (school ids do NOT count), OR be 21+ WITH A VALID ID to take in any more people without an id themselves. no exceptions. this is a firable offense, on the spot, if the cashier or ticket taker is caught allowing underage kids into r-rated films. take this into consideration the next time you want to go see a movie bc there are no exceptions!! fuck you if you dont bring your id but then get mad bc we wont let you in to see the movie!! its your own fault!!!!

understand that there are physically not enough people working in the building to keep the place spotless as hordes of people run around and make a shitty mess everywhere. like, im sorry, but the movie theatre business SUCKS and theres nothing we can do about it other than try and sweep up the popcorn as fast as we can. you complaining to management will not suddenly materialise a new person to come out of the employee breakroom, ready to sweep up whatever it is youre complaining about. patience is KEY bc we quite simply do not have the staff or the staff allowance to provide a perfect atmosphere. it wont happen no matter how much you squall. like, im sorry it sucks, i know it does, im trying to make it run as smoothly as possible but theres just not enough employees allowed for us to do any better. bring your own trash bag and your own napkins if youre that concerned, i promise we wont look at you sideways

ENUNCIATE YOUR ORDER AT THE CONCESSION STAND. the more communicative you are the faster you can be served, i promise, thats EXACTLY how it works and its not taking too long bc the employee is bad its bc youre not speaking up or youre not actually defining what you want. be better, get done faster

try to be more on time when it comes to getting to the theatre. doing everything late makes you angrier and it means we dont have as much time to fix whatever problems you may be having. we cant fix what you need if theres no time because you didnt think youd have to show up to your movie until 20 minutes after it started!!

be mindful of when the locations you visit actually close; we’re not a 24/7 business, and concessions and ticketing sales usually close before midnight, depending on the time of the last show and that building’s policies. at that point, the only thing youre doing is renting space on our premises. take care of everything you need, money-wise, before that time passes or else youre out of luck, just like any other business

dont.... dont bring babies to the movies please. this is more personal than like, actual tips or tricks about the movies or like backalley knowledge or whatever, this is like, this is from a health and courtesy standpoint. movies are LOUD. movies are SCARY. babies shouldnt... be going through that experience. i cant stand whenever i see newborns being carried around as if their ears arent so sensitive and that theyre likely to cry and be generally uncomfortable bc a movie theatre is NOT A PLACE FOR BABIES. find a sitter, or stay home. thats what you sign up for when you become a parent, taking care of your child to the best of your ability. and if that includes taking them with you to the movies... youre a bad parent and theres nothing you can do to convince me otherwise. (also 6 and under cant see r-rated films past a certain time and i rly dont understand why so many folks dont understand that or think its a new rule?? its not a new rule, every movie chain i have been to has had that rule its not new and not specific to just one place cmon now get out of here)

also if you leave garbage in the theatre under the impression that Somebody Gets Paid To Do That, just know that we know and we also hate you passionately bc youre the worst type of person. if you have family like this, correct them. we get paid very little to do much more than you could possibly expect

happy holidays!!! dont take this as a Dont Come To The Movies post, take this as a Come To The Movies Prepared post instead. just dont be a dick, its the holidays, and these are mostly children youre upset with. like, youre yelling at 15 + 16 yr olds. just be nice. if you have a problem with the business itself, take it to corporate, thats the only way youll get anything changed.

[sundrenched-smilez]

champagne, jazz, lace, perfume, sheet mask

champagne: what topic could you talk about for hours? 

ooh i can think of a couple!!  steven universe i can talk abt for hours on end!! another is smash bros changes in the new game (ive talked abt samus alone for like 10 minutes before!!) all the lil changes r givin me life tbh, i love picking up minor changes between things and theres soooo many : DD for someone who obsesses over that game (in a special interest way) it’s so much to pick apart, and it makes me so happy!!!!! they’re rly breathing life into the characters, and everything looks so much smoother and fluid and alive and i can’t get enough of it 

video games and fashion i can always talk abt!! and worldbuilding especially; i love hashin out details w ppl 

jazz: name a song that resonates with you and your emotions. explain the reason why. 

Rogueport, Town of Theives  is from a rly important game from my childhood n holds so much nostalgia and hits me to my core every time i hear it. the dissonance in the beginning rly signifies how different it is from ur standard mario town!! in the first paper mario, ur mostly centered by toad town, and comparatively, this place is a wreck!! : DD u get robbed within the first hour of the game, and have to make ur way thru crowds and dirty city streets which is Such a stark difference and new environment for u, in a mario game. it’s also just such a unique song?? ive never heard anything like it, and it’s so powerful and envigorating

For Just One Day Let’s Only Think About Love (spoilers. also this video is quiet, i’ll rb a better version if ur interested in listening) is a song that rly wraps up a lot that’s happened in steven universe thru the years, and thru ur journey w these characters. it’s a stunning performance from everyone, and thru the verses it travels from character to character, touching on their arcs and what they’ve been troubled with. pearl doubting and blaming herself for something beyond her control and lying in the past, amethyst figuring out how to think about the person she’s looked up to for so long after seeing her in a different light, and how that’s affecting them all, and peridot, who defied her leaders and helped stop the world from shattering, but still worries abt the diamonds invading.  I love how it kisses all the details of growth in process on the cheek, and reinforces that this sucks, and “we can think about it, we need to think about it, but we can’t hyperfocus and let it eat at us. for just one day, let’s only think about love, and what brings us together, and not everything horrible going on. we deserve that.” and it’s so beautiful!! the way it touchs on mindful thinking lessons from the past, and no longer running from problems or burying them, but letting good things exist too is so important to me.being told that u can think about everything paining you, and still focus on the love between ur and ur friends and their love for each other is an important message to hear w everything that’s going on in the world, and it’s presented so perfectly :~))  

lace: what is something in your life completely different from last year? 

June has been a year since i’ve self harmed, and I dont have those thoughts nearly as frequently!! only when things get really bad, and i’ve not gotten to a point where I was Ready to in a long time. I also dont have as much suicidal ideation!! I’m making friends and talking to ppl more, and that feels nice. I’m not drawing as much, but once I get a desk n junk I’ll be able to fix that, i have a lot of things I want to work on, and strive for so I’m not worried abt that. i’m probably eating more? doin my best to, food stamps help

perfume: if you could make your own signature fragrance, what would it smell like? 

like cats??? cats,,, cats (specifically when u bury ur head gently into the side of ur cat,,,, tbh i just want a cat rly bad but can’t afford one atm) 

bonfire candle, a candle thats all wicks and its very fire and smells like fire smoke

i wanna smell fresh like a forest breeze, on the outskirts of the far ends, it’s masked by the ocean and shore; etheral and otherworldly, yet familar

sheet mask: what’s your favorite lazy activity?

naps in the rain!!! and/or cuddling while napping bc that’s always SO good 

napping in general, i never get enough sleep n naps help

does organizing clothes by color count as lazy?? no but it’s fun and i like it c:

minecraft!!

[tayegi]

*chair spins, revealing me* *fixes glasses* it's time for the bullshit that follows every Chapter, buckle uP BC THIS IS GOING TO BE ONE LONG WILD RIDE (there r rly a lot of things I wanna say plz don't hate mee) well first I wanna talk about how OC is now actually noticing how their relationship is having some changes, that"what had changed? Was it u, was it the hug OR WAS IT JUST HIM" it's giving me hope that OC will change her mind about JK and how she keeps thinking he's a fuckboy (1/?)—❄️🐰

Anonymous said:JK smiling bc he was happy that she stayed y'all mind if I scream? WHY SO SWEET?! IM SO SOFT?! My life is over tbh and I'm not gonna talk about all the 'u r pretty u r cute' shit bc I'd have to call 911 first a BITCH IS HAVING A HEART ATTACK COME COLLECT!! And like, him wanting it slow.. sweetheart, I guess we're in 3018 and I DID NOT think I'd live that long.. also are we going to talk about JK noticing OCs clothes and all that attention-getting-paid shit? Yeah.. that's my kiNK!! (2/?)—❄️🐰

Anonymous said:AAND back to OC translating all shit jk says to him being a horny lil shit I just hope she stops soon tbh my heart hurts for jk he really likes her and stuff and she's being like that even later on JK was like "why is everything about sex with u? I just wanted to hang out"😂 but I gotta love the glow up tho at least she's admitting a few things now so I'm actually happy that we're getting somewhere slowly but surely.. (3/?)—❄️🐰

Anonymous said:Also JK hoping for more okjydsdgjbdaq bc he doesn't want her to just be willing he actually wants her to want it and he doesn't want her to feel like she's used even if she wants to be used but also I need permission to personally have OCs head if she calls herself an easy hoe in my watch again. Thank you and good night. (4/?)—❄️🐰

Anonymous said:but about that OC acting like that when it comes to JK, I think it's normal for her to think that way of him, she still doesn't want to believe that he's not a fuckboy anymore, and just like their deal, they're supposed to just have sex but it's that coconut bitch that's having feelings for her and shit (I love him for that actl bye) and OC is still trapped in that deal and keeps avoiding the truth.. *clutches heart* (5/?)—❄️🐰

Anonymous said:I don't think I'm ready to talk about the way JK kisSED HER HAND BUT CAN WE FUCKING TALK ABOUT THE WAY HE KISSED HER HAND?! JESUS FUCK?!??! MY BRAIN LEGIT BUGGED FOR TEN MINUTES!! WHAT IS AIR I WANNA BREATH THAT MOMENT FROM NOW ON!! But honestly sis, JK IS SO WHIPPED AND IM LIVING!! But look at her delaying everything to "next time" when it comes, good luck on not getting fucked so hard!! Both mentally and physically tbh MARK MY WORDS!! (6/?)—❄️🐰

Anonymous said:And the fact that OC is getting over JM is making me so happy like it really hurt me when she used to be so sad and even feel worthless bc of his relationship with MJ, but now I'm just so glad!! And I hope that soon she won't feel anything for him at all!! Especially with JK, and HS in the picture now too.. which reminds me, the fuck is with that Somin lady?! I dn't understand what's happening there and I cnt help but feel like it's a much deeper shit than what it looks like? (7/?)—❄️🐰

Anonymous said:U see, I feel like HS wasn't telling her everything! idk!!! It felt like he went all the way there to see her, and that talk felt like giving excuses more than just telling her.. I just don't like the whole thing in general!! (But like HS's basic flirting is so cute tho LET ME BE BIASED IDC!! that "i kinda want u to care" BABE! HOLD ME! Fuck why am I like this..) (8/?)—❄️🐰

Anonymous said:"just surprised" like yeah I'm just surprised that no one actually tried to fucking wife you up before I came. That's the only way Im taking it no one tell me anything else. JK is that whipped and we all already istablished that. But also for Hyejin, Gotta love how she's constantly getting shook bc MJ might pop a vein if she doesn't rub facts about OC and JK right to her face.. fuck she's my hero.. but HJ might start shit forreal this time especially with how she bought JK..I'm scared!(9/?)—❄️🐰

Anonymous said:"scarily daring to believe ur ears" WAS ABOUT FUCKING TIME SHE DID THAT!! FUCK!! Wish she kissed him tho-/shot/.. But JK's performance, Honestly JK sang that song for OC. LOOK AT THE FUCKING LYRICS OH MY GOD I FUCKING CAN'T!! AND SHE DIDNT EVEN TRY TO BUY HIM AND I THINK THATS WHY HE WAS UPSET!! UGHH! This is shortening my life span.. (10/?)—❄️🐰

Anonymous said:But then again I think he wasn't going to even try to buy her whatsoever as a comeback for what she did and just bc HS was going to win JK went there and fucking spent 100.. I wished he did it for her not just bc his stupid ass was jealous bc he really can't let OC chill around HS I wanna scream GROW UP at a rock before throwing it at him so it hopefully helps some sense inside that coconut head of his.. (10/? I am so fucking sorry)—❄️🐰

Anonymous said:Speaking of throwing things.. I SWEAR I WAS ON THE FUCKING FLOOR CRYING AND LAUGHING AND DYING BC WOW OC!! THAT JUST WENT LIKE MAX LEVEL OF NOT GIVING A FUCK ABOUT ANYTHING!! And she be giving Tae some at the end!! And he's like "they're just ten tokens you guys!! THINK ABOUT ALL THE UNLIMITED NUT SUPPLY YOURE GONNA GET!! GOOD PROTEINS!" I just seriously can't THIS CHAPTER IS EVERYTHING I STAND FOR!!! THE MOST IMPORTANT THING ON THE INTERNET!!! THIS IS MY FAV CH SO FAR ITS SO FUNNY!!(11/11)—❄️🐰

Anonymous said:THANK YOU SO MUCH LU FOR THIS CHAPTER IT REALLY MADE MY DAY IM SO HAPPY ABOUT IT!!!(it felt like a late BD gift Bc my BD was just last Fridayy) THANK YOU FOR WRITING THIS EVEN THO YOU GET REALLY BUSY PLEASE REMEMEBER TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AND REST A LOT AND DO WHAT YOU LOVE AS WE ALL SUPPORT YOU!!!! I LOVE YOUUUUUUU💕💕 (I'm also so sorry for spamming you with my asks like that I got excited :') ) —❄️🐰

OMG this is the longest ask ever!! i love you!!! and i think i got all the asks for once and im so happy!!!

im not even sure how to respond to this. but i am so freaking grateful for your super considerate messages! i promise i read and reread every single part multiple times w/ a smile on my face. 

I LOVE U SO MUCH

[imaginetho]

Hello there! I would like to ask a scenario for ada dazai who meets the reader and he falls really hard for her but he gets this job to find out who was behind the prime minister's murder ( lmao had to be powerful ) and he discovers it's actually the mafia reader? A fluff ending would be amazing but i just don't see it whatsoever so you do you? Maybe she doesn't want to fight him and they just share a long talk? Okay i am done now i promise

i think i have just the idea i see it so clearly and its too beautiful omf thank you for requesting bby i hope you like this! 

rly tho damn someone should write a movie about this i’d def watch it

also we are gonna assume that he already knew she was in the mafia, he just didn’t know what she was capable of bc lets be honest that man is smarter than that

Dazai was not the type of person to fall in love with someone so easily, so when he finally fell for you, he fell hard.

Loving someone meant trusting them, and trusting them meant not doubting them. Which is what he always have done with you, love you and trust you.

Except right now, all of that is being put to hold. 

Not knowing what to think or feel he just held the piece of paper in his hand, which had your name on it. All he knew at this moment is that the one responsible for killing the prime minister is none other than you.

He stood there for a full 5 minutes just staring at the piece of paper until the first and only thing to cross his mind was that he needed to see you.

It’s been almost 2 weeks since the two of you have actually seen each other, but that wasn’t so odd with the two of you. You both understood that no matter what, you still loved and cared about each other endlessly. You also understood that this was just the nature of your daily jobs.

Sometimes you would go two weeks without even calling each other, but that was still fine. You both knew that time never actually showed how much you truly loved someone or cared about them.

Dazai’s reasons to wanna see you all the time were everything but this. He hurriedly called your phone, but there was no answer. Not wanting to waltz in the Port Mafia unannounced he hoped you were at home.

Shoving the paper into his coat, he quickly started making his way to your apartment. It really did not help that the roads were crowded and the rain did not stop for anyone.

After half an hour of driving between the busy roads and the showers of rain with completely nothing but you on his mind, he was finally at the door of your apartment. 

He knocked on your door five times, no answer. He called your name, and still no answer. 

Were you sleeping? he wondered. 

Still, it’s like 8:30 pm and he never knew you for an early sleeper. Going for his last resort he tried opening your door and to his surprise it was unlocked.

Another thing he knew for sure right now is that he was worried. 

Why’d you keep your door unlocked? Did you flee? Is that what you’ve been doing for the past two weeks? Did your really leave him without even so much as an explanation, is this how much he mattered to you?

He walked in and found the lights off. In fact, all the lights were off. Except he noticed that your jacket was on the couch. If you really had fled, then you would have took all your clothes with you, right?

He walked more to observe what else is different, he walked in the bathroom and found that your toothbrush was still there, all of your things were still there in fact. 

He checked almost everywhere and it seemed like everything was still the same, nothing missing, nothing new. The only place he was yet to check was your bedroom.

He got closer to the door and put his ear to it. He could hear something, but he wasn’t sure what exactly. 

Slowly, he pushed the doorknob and opened it. He finally found you.

Your bedroom was also really dark with no lights turned on, he could barely make out your silhouette. 

You were curled up in bed, facing the wall and quietly crying. You didn’t even seem to notice someone just walked in on you, let alone your apartment door was unlocked.

Forgetting everything he knew right now, he ran by your side and put his hand in your hair, softly playing with it and putting it away from your face. 

“Shhh, I’m here now love, I got you.” he whispered, his hand still playing with your hair.

Your cries only grew stronger after hearing him say that, and your body only curled tighter. You were trembling and not wanting him to see your face, you kept it down. 

“I’m sorry.” you mumbled.

“What do you mean?” he asked. 

You grabbed his hand that was in your hair, and squeezed it gently before putting it away and sitting up to readjust yourself.

You wiped your tears away and looked him in the eyes. 

“If anyone saw me like this right now, they’d never think I’m capable of taking someone’s life, even though I have.” you chuckled.

You chuckled after saying that but he saw it. He saw it hurt you a lot more to actually say that than make you laugh. 

He didn’t say anything but remained on the floor watching you and waiting to hear you out.

“You know, even with me working in the Port Mafia, this is actually the first time I’ve ever killed someone. I always just hurt people but never actually took their own life.” you spoke with tears still pouring down your face.

You wiped them again and continued. “I’m not trying to justify what I did or say it wasn’t wrong, because it was. Although, even though I know it’s wrong and even though I regret it, I can’t say he didn’t deserve it. He wasn’t really the best person.”

“I just wish I wasn’t the one to do it.” you finished.

In fact you’ve spent those two weeks wallowing in regret and self hatred. You haven’t even been to work ever since then. You barely slept, you barely ate, just breathing seemed exhausting.

You hated yourself after doing this.

How can anyone even love me after doing that? you thought. 

You really cherished those times before you did what you did. Those times where you thought you weren’t such a horrible person, those times you could go on with your day without remembering that someone’s blood was on your hands.

Those times where Dazai loved you so much.

How can he love you now? After knowing what you did? You can’t even forgive yourself, how can anyone forgive you?

You’re glad you at least got to have someone love you for once.

“You made a mistake, people make mistakes. You did something and you regret it, but you learn from it.” he finally interrupted your thoughts and spoke out loud.

“But I killed a person! I made the selfish decision of deciding whether he gets to live or not.” you cried.

He smiled at you.

Even though Dazai was disappointed, he knew the regret of making huge mistakes. He knew what it felt to do something and feel like utter crap after it. He knew how it really felt to take away someone’s life and regret it.

He knew how you felt, which is why he can empathize and help you get through it. He was the last person to ever have the right to judge you, not when he too had made many mistakes in his life.

He too have done what you did before and even worse. He too have been where you are right now, he too thought he should give up on himself, on everything and think it’s too late to fix anything.

But that was until someone came along and told him to do the right thing. Someone still saw the good in him even when he couldn’t see it himself. Someone taught him that mistakes are made to be learnt from and not took as an example for who you truly are. 

Mistakes never defined a person and no one better than him knew that.

How can he let the person he loved the most go through what he’s gone through without trying to understand? Without trying to help?

He wasn’t ready to give up on you just yet, but he was ready to be your someone.

If someone took the time to actually see the good in him, then he sure as hell can see the good in you. He wasn’t any better than you, and he won’t forgive himself if he let you go this easily.

He stood up and brought his body closer to yours. He held you tight to his chest and let you cry on it. He noticed your body was still trembling from crying so much so he started caressing your back gently.

“I know it’s hard, but I promise, we’ll get through this together.” he whispered closely to your ears and then kissed the top of your head.

He held you in his arms the entire night, his hands roaming in your hair until you finally fell asleep. 

[space--scribbleisgonenow]

hello i am broke

Ill give you the general details;

My paypal is r3b3ccag@gmail.com

I only accept USD (no gift cards or any other dollar)

Buy Me a Coffee

(This is new! I decided to get a KO-FI, its a site that links up w/ ur paypal and lets people leave you tips.  The site takes no cut and it goes straight to me, so...there is that if you wanted to leave a little tip! If you have more questions I would suggest going to the about page! thanks for suggesting it jj uvu)

Follow my insta for special commissions there @aceisagay

I need money mostly because I had just but a car, but i had to give a little so now i have to pay back a bit of a loan and pay insurance. I’m trying to get a job while I still go to school so hopefully that works out too. This money is pretty much going to help me pay for now so I’d really appreciate the work!

If you dont have money to commission me or send me a coffee or anything like that just boost as much as you can! Just that much will do a lot thank you!

So this will be on my commissions page as well but here are what people have asked me before so I’ll put it here too under the read more:

How do I contact you about a commission?

You can use my paypal e-mail or the messenger on here. Or send me an ask and we can go from there!

What do I need when I commission you?

If youre doing and OC or a character from a fandom, I would suggest looking up pictures for me to refrence from. A big problem with my last commissions was that I found myself confused with characters I didnt know and ended up drawing the wrong character, so please have refrence ready. (you dont need to look up pose ref or anything like the, just what the characters look like!)

If you dont have pictures of your oc or it is too difficult to find pics of the character, Im pretty good at drawing written characters too! Just make sure to have that ready to send when you commission me, ok?

What if I dont like it?

I wont have you pay until you see the full thing in all it’s glory(however, my watermark will be on it and ill take it off once you pay for it,ok?), so if you dont like it, you could ask me to change a few things or give me more detail on what I could do to fix it....or...if you dont want to continue then you can just find someone else. 

Could you design me a character?

Of course! If you mean the look of them then sure! (Personality and backstory would be up to you haha) Just be sure to have ref you would want me to base them off of. Depending on what you want from above (line art, basic color, and full color) It will be an extra 5$ (five dollars). If you need help deciding what you want, I can help out with that as well.

Anything you dont like to draw?

Na not really. Just the regular stuff like rape, child pornography, shrek (jk but rly) all that kinda stuff. 

If I am under 18 can I buy NSFW art from you?

NO! I will get in trouble so please do not ask!! If you want something like where they intensely cuddle or make-out that is ok, but subjects of sex and showing nudity I will not draw for you, sorry!

Any thing I didn’t answer? Feel free to send me an ask!

Thank you for reading, Hope to work with you soon!