#if someone tells me how to properly tag episodes ill do it

[i-write-sin-not-tragedy]

Huskerclouddust thoughts? I will enable you, yes, release the ideas :3

Hello so the reason this took me a WHILE was bc i had so many things bouncing around my brain, and i had to like. Sit down and come up with cohesive thoughts and not just fake episodes that play out in my head. LOL

But ill just!! Do a quick list of ideas and if theres one anyone wants a more detailed rundown of, please just send an ask and i will HAPPILY elaborate

Nsfw/mdni below the cut♡

huskcloud fucking while watching one of Angels live streams (in which he is doing a solo show and has specifically picked toys that allude to huskcloud. They're the only ones that know ofc)

I have this wholeass rundown of how Husk and Cloud even START dating. Its more like the situation of them both dating Angel and the awkward dance around each other that features a little flirting but Husk starts to get a bit bolder with the flirts and Cloud is a mega over thinker who keeps convincing himself its nothing. Until they end up making out on the bar, and it only stops bc Charlie interrupts it (bless her heart she has no idea what was happening either jekfje) There's a whole sweet thing of Husk inviting Cloud to his room later to like actually talk about it. Cloud again is an overthinker and has no idea if this is like. A date or Husk wanting to tell him to stop (honey HE started the makeout but okay kekfkdk) This one in particular makes me so stupidly soft that i could SCREAM. Its nothing too intense, it does go into my hcs of Husk being demisexual, and has some very soft makingout/dry humping but they don't fuck. *yet*.

extremely silly and slightly vaugely dubcon-y setting of Angel and Cloud messing with the whole "spider and fly" / "predator/prey" kink. Angel had the brilliant idea to use a real web (note. Angel is a jumping spider. They dont build traditional webs. Angel has no idea what the fuck hes doing and zero insticts to work with) Thus they both get stuck/tangled up in it. They don't,,,,,stop though. Like no no this isn't exactly what they were going for but it works. They do have to call Husk to cut them loose after a while when they realize they literally can't pull away from each other (and are both too oversensitive to do much about it) Insert here Husks exhausted sigh. (And maybe messing with them just a little for being horny idiots)

Cloud has a tongue/mouth kink. I literally do not know how to summarize this one more than Angel and Husk give him oral at the same time, lol

flipside of the above (or could be the same fic hmmm) Cloud giving them both blowjobs.

a really silly idea of their first like. Early morning 3way. Like its should be all soft and sweet everyone kinda sleepy and just wanting to be cozy and feel each other only they've been under blankets all night and Husk and Angel are both covered in *fur*. Cloud passes out from overheating LMFAO cue both boyfriends panicking

Angel is helping Cloud pick out lingerie that he's actually comfortable in. It's not full on smut, so much as touching and teasing, but it's also cute and soft. I like them being as supportive as they can and assuring Cloud that they love his body the way it is, the way Cloud want its, and it doesn't change how they see him and they want him to feel comfortable in his own skin. It can be a challenge for him to walk the line of "do i feel like a cute boy in this or does it just make me feel like a girl" but Angel is absolutely thrilled to give suggestions. Husk appreciates from the side.

i might. Have an intox kink. And maybe have projected that onto cloud. But i also understand that's a bit of a heavier kink for many people, so i won't say much on that unless someone specifically asks for it, and i can tag the post properly♡

[zionmantis]

I would love to hear about how the DE speaks to your experiences with psychosis!

DE seems to be an attempt to represent thinking through game/story mechanics, and I really appreciate that it doesn’t seem to just represent “normal” thought but also neurodivergent or dysfunctional thoughts. Made me feel seen, so I’d love to hear how it made you feel, if it’s something you’d want to share!

Ah, thanks for the ask! I hope my tags on your post didn't seem rude; reading back I was so worried they did <3 You made an absolutely wonderful post; I wouldn't have reblogged it if I didn't love it. I'm ADHD too, and it's so great to see a character we can relate with and to see how positive reinforcement from a person like Kim can really make a difference.

Excuse me while I ramble a bit! This is stuff I want to post about all the time but I worry people will hate it, so questions like this really make me happy because it gives me an excuse x)

One of the reasons I adore this game more than any other is that it's both breathtakingly sad as well as absolutely hysterical, and humor is how I've started approached my issues of mental illness in the past. Now, that way is not for everyone; some people don't want any sort of laughter at it, and that's completely valid and makes perfect sense, but humor is just how I've been able to adjust to memories of really bad times in my life without completely hating myself. For me, the game does a really good job of making a hard subject funny without making it seem like we're laughing AT Harry, if that makes sense, even if we think some of his antics are hilarious. I also love love love that that humor is also tackling the, mmm, less "romantic" (?I'm not sure that's the word I want to use for this...maybe "palatable"?) issues that can come with severe mental illness. Like if I remember right, there's a nonstandard ending where Harry can end up living under a bridge and throwing his own shit at people who pass by, pff.

For me it was a surprise to come into this fandom and find that not everyone sees what he's going through as being psychosis (same with ADHD; he absolutely has that, at least to me). I've seen a couple people -- I think it was on Reddit -- argue that what Harry experiences is not psychosis and is just a manifestation of his thought processes and impulsive behavior, and for me that is just...wild xD (and I know I'm preaching to the choir here, but it's fun to discuss, I think?)

But here's the deal for me: if someone sticks their thumb up their ass in public because their friend dared them to and they think it will be funny, that's impulsive behavior. If someone sticks their thumb up their ass in public because a voice in their head told them it would make them a better detective, that's a delusion.

So what does that have to do with me? Well, for me, I have a rare diagnosis of OCD with psychotic features, and (gonna put the rest of this under a cut in case it's triggering for people to read about psychotic episodes)

mine, before being involuntarily (but needed at the time) hospitalized twice and properly medicated, tended to be things like...I would think my limbs were detaching themselves from my body, or one time I wouldn't open my eyes for literally almost two days because I thought all sharp-cornered objects would cut them. Hallucinations would involve seeing what I thought was my skin being pulled as my limbs detached and occasional auditory hallucinations of crowds in my head (where I'd then think they were trying to tell me something Important and drive myself crazy sitting and listening to unreal crowd burble noises), but none of the stuff fiction likes to show because it's easier to depict (never had voices in my head telling me to do stuff or saw a super clear hallucination of a person or monster unless you count sleep paralysis. There were occasional shadows and vague faces that move in walls which I still get when I'm extra tired, but the only times I ever thought those things were real was when my brain was telling me I was receiving otherworldly messages.) There were other things, too, behavioral stuff I'd rather not talk about because it's still so shameful for me.

I thankfully respond really well to medication, which is especially good since OCD with psychosis is notoriously hard to treat since the types of drugs for OCD vs. psychosis seem to do the exact opposite things and block one another.

Anyway, back to DE. This is a bit...shallow, but it was extremely refreshing to play a game where the main character is at least as big of a disaster as me, if not worse xD;. I FEEL SO SEEN, haha, and not only that, but it's a protagonist in an extremely popular game, and fans like him anyway??? That's fantastic. I never thought I'd see the day.

Now, why does he have psychosis -- as in what diagnosis? I'm not sure, but I don't think it'd be OCD with psychotic features like me (even if he potentially has OCD, which I'll discuss in a moment.) I'd say he probably has bipolar 1 and/or (since not unusual to be comorbid), schizophrenia, though I lean more toward bipolar 1 even though the game itself says the word "schizophrenia" out loud a couple times. (To be clear, I'm not a mental health professional, but I don't think the writers of DE are, either. I would also like to say that if anyone reading this is schizophrenic and feel that Harry is as well, your opinion is way more valid than my own and I'd love to hear from you.)

I lean toward bipolar 1 because of the obvious -- he's gone through both manic and depressive stages in the past and does so in the game with a ton of delusional thinking combined with (short-lived or skin-deep) inflated sense of self (Superstar Cop, Honor Cop, etc.) It's also well known that folks with bipolar tend to self medicate. It's less well known that bipolar often has psychotic features as well.

As for an argument for schizophrenia, I'd point toward Apocalypse Cop, that paranoid delusion (??? mmaaaaybe, haha,) about the world ending (I really only know about paranoid schizophrenia; I don't know much about the other types, so it's entirely possible Harry has one of those instead,) as well as his lack of awareness about hygiene, though that could maybe be explained by his amnesia and the fact he was on a days-long bender before the game started. The reason I'm a little bit hesitant toward it is because Harry seems too aware of his own problems and the fact that he is not experiencing life the way most other people do, (he actually questions Kim at the beginning if Kim also hears voices,) and the couple people I met in the hospital that had schizophrenia were (when still adjusting to medications or had yet to find something that would work for them,) really unable to have that kind of self-awareness.

As for the OCD, I'm not as sure of that for him like I am with ADHD and either his bipolar and/or schizophrenia, but I think there's some pretty good arguments to be made. To me, Harry's constant harping on things that no one else thinks is interesting or important is a factor of his ADHD but can *feel* like OCD, but more so when he is stuck in verbal loops, which could definitely actually be OCD rather than, say, brain damage, since he seems to be aware that he's doing it. Some of the more bullying Skills also feel SO much like OCD, the ones telling him to do things that are nonsensical and that he doesn't actually seem to want to do feels like -- just for one of my many, many non-hallucinatory, fully OCD moments in my life -- when I just had to put a lit match in my mouth because if I didn't, *everyone I love would die,* pff. (Spoiler alert: it burns and it tastes weird.) Actually, I'm just now realizing why Authority may have been one of my least favorite Skills, as funny as its situations could get (ICE COP HAT FUCK SHOW?!??!?)

Anyway, I'm sorry for such a long answer to your question, @linisiane, but it made me so happy you asked! I really appreciate your question. This game is so good for making most people with any kind of neurodivergence feel good. I think it might be the most important fictional thing (for my own well-being) I've ever found. There's so much you can say about it. In fact, I know I've forgotten some stuff I wanted to talk about, but oh well! I can always add or something later if I feel like it. If anyone has any questions about this, you're very free to ask me. I'm also super excited to start talking to more people in the DE fandom; I have yet to convince any of my friends to play it for more than ten minutes.

I love y'all so much! I mean it. This fandom is great.

[dimiclaudeblaigan]

Oh man I really agree with your tags on that one post. The whole king of delusion thing is terrible to me bc like. Delusions aren’t some gotcha you can use against him? It’s a serious mental health issue? But I’d also like to add I hate when people mock him for smelling bad or having poor hygiene or w/e… :/ It’s not funny when people with mental illness can’t properly take care of their hygiene lol I thought we were all understanding of this?

EXACTLY. It's not like "wow look how wrong you are and how terrible you are for being delusional".

Also the hygiene thing pisses me off too. I know lots of his fans use it as a joke, even affectionately, but like... he was homeless. He was living in the slums. Most people around him probably smelled bad. I'm sure they and he cleaned up whenever they could, but buddy, the slums isn't a public showering area. They'd be lucky if they were able to bathe. It's not something they take for granted. Even the "smelly cape" jokes bother me.

I've met homeless people. I've lived in a shelter where I met people who prior to that shelter lived in tents. Showering and bathing isn't something they could just get up and do before being in the shelter. Those people are lucky if they can even go to the bathroom in a proper bathroom, let alone being able to bathe.

Then like you said, on top of that, he's mentally ill. He's not thinking about his next bath. He's talking to people who are dead, believing they are answering him back and responding to their answers to him. There's also the general idea that Lambert's last words were not actually what were told to us via Dimitri's flashback, but the words he remembers because of his illness. He is very likely remembering wrong, because that version of Lambert matches the version of him that Dimtiri talks to, but does not match the version of him in Rodrigue's flashback.

Even depression can cause a lack of proper hygiene, and that's also a mental illness. In his case he has full on episodes of either psychotic breaks or having conversations with people who aren't there, and when he's out of those states he's desperately trying to do what he's been told to do by those voices. He's trying to do it both for those people and because, as he expresses later into AM, he wants them to stop. Those voices harass him day in and out and ridicule him and it hurts him, so he becomes desperate to do what they tell him so they stop tormenting him (which is part why he's so hellbent on hurrying to finish his tasks in the first half of AM).

It's an absolute spiral of a situation, where he already has these delusions but now on top of them feels absolutely terrible and like someone who has been emotionally abused by loved ones for years and years. He loves them but is terrified of them because they always say awful things to him or try to say things about him that aren't true. The worst part is that these are delusions of people who loved him and were nothing like this, so it causes even more suffering for him.

I don't really understand why it's so funny to people to poke fun at characters with or for bad hygiene. Like, firstly it's... just not a funny thing/topic? And secondly I'm sure there are people uncomfortable with it because they have bad hygiene or lower than "socially acceptable" hygiene due to mental illness and feel they're being laughed at as well for their hygiene. That's definitely a stereotypical mindset and something society does to make fun of people less fortunate than them, be it physically, mentally or both (like not having access to bathing.

Rich people can bathe whenever they want and often in media look down on "stinky people" who are always the poor, generally living in the slums). It's a very unfortunate dominant mindset and almost always comes from people who are more well off and haven't experienced it for themselves to realize how awful it can be (and there are of course people who don't need to experience something to know how bad it is, and I wish there were just more people like that).

I just don't understand what's so funny about hygiene. If anything it just feels like people laughing at the concept of someone not being up to society's standards about health, and it's what literal kids do to make fun of each other. Like, if someone smells bad, I feel like we should be more concerned about the person and why that is... and that would be the case if society raised its people to think that way, but since society raised people to be the opposite (to make fun of smelly people), most people who haven't experienced it for themselves make fun of it.

Like... idk am I missing something lol, I just don't see the humor in someone smelling bad. Even without considering any implications behind it I still don't see the humor in it. Considering Dimitri's circumstances though it just feels very wrong to see people make fun of him for that. I know fans of his that do it are doing it harmlessly and most likely wouldn't make fun of real people for similar things, but it just doesn't sit right with me. There's just nothing amusing about poor hygiene.

Using it as fuel to hate on him though is just is a show of someone's true character and who they really are. :/ Anyone who makes fun of him for his hygiene and mental illness are the kind of people who look down on people with those problems and deserve to experience it for themselves to see just how awful that shit can be. It being fictional doesn't change the fact that it's a show on someone's true character to be able to make fun of someone suffering, and especially to the extent Dimitri does.

Like yes, Edelgard suffered, but she has her own way of moving past it. She's not suffering in the same way as Dimitri or handling it the same way and comes across as "strong" for that - another societal mindset from people who think it's "strong" to not show that you're suffering or have suffered. It's how she handles it, sure, and that's fine... but it's people's reactions to how differently they handle their trauma that's so obnoxious.

People can only be pushed so far, and people hate on Dimtiri for his violence despite that being part of his illness and trauma. Hating on people for being violent as a result of their feelings or past is an awful thing and I really think anyone who can hate on a good and well meaning/intentioned person (real or fictional) simply because they're violent toward bad things needs some serious introspection (like Dimitri having violent reactions to seeing innocents being slaughtered in front of him at Remire. It was an impulsive reaction that he would've hid if he could have, but he wasn't able to).

Like oh no, how dare someone be violent and aggressive toward murderers! How dare someone say off with their head when they've done terrible things! Not everyone is perfectly peaceful and puritan. Hell, Edelgard isn't either and chooses violence as her first and foremost answer to everything, and only considers "negotiations" (i.e. anything that will benefit her/the Empire and only her) if she's losing and only stands to gain from them.

Her first solution to everything is violence, and yet Dimitri is the one who gets shat on for... being violent. Because of his trauma and illness specifically, both in game and out. But since Edelgard has been able to moved past her trauma for the most part and has a different way of handling it that "looks better", he looks "bad" for not having gotten past his trauma yet. Good for her to be able to handle it the way she does, but why is it "bad for him" that he can't handle it "better"?

[shhhhyoursister]

music in druck!!!! (s3ep1)

hi friends!!!! this is something i’ve been wanting to do for a WHILE and i got an ask about it and i’ve also been really needing a rewatch lately so it’s all worked out for me to start this tonight!!!

i’ll start off by saying that i am,,, someone who listens to music literally multiple times a day every day, if i am alone and it’s possible i am listening to music, and i’ve played music for about 12 years so it’s something that’s always been extremely important to me, and something i noticed very quickly with druck is that the music is....amazing??? it’s all perfectly picked and helps the story flow so well?? and since i loved it so much i went into the matteo playlist on spotify and made my own 2 playlists from it (i was asked to drop links so i’m dropping links):

1. songs from druck that hit different

2. soft druck hours

and i listen to these playlists....every single day, so there are some songs i’m extremely familiar with from this show and some i’m not, but i will analyze all fairly!!! (i am gonna mark my faves with a ** though cause i have to share my opinions) my analysis will sometimes go off lyrics but will mostly more go off the vibes ya know?? vibes are important with music!!!!

but enough of that....here are my Thoughts™️

turning me on - it was very smart to start the season with a song that builds like this, and is obviously a party song cause they’re at a party!! and the way the music mixes with the way they edited the characters, like they sped stuff up to match the beat of the song (best example is when kiki and sam were like....there’s no other way to it than smacking their boobs together i’m so sorry) and then when you finally see matteo sitting alone the music gets super muffled for a second?? and you can really tell that he just doesn’t care about what’s happening around him at best and doesn’t like it at worst, and then when he’s dancing with sara you can start to hear party sounds over the music, and it kinda seems like it means that matteo is out of his own head a little and back into the party and not his own little bubble anymore, and you can finally start making out specific dialogue when matteo actually goes into the bathroom to talk with the boys

**how have you been? - i feel like this song and this whole scene kind of set up two specific aspects of matteo very quickly and very well: 1. he’s probably goin through some shit cause his room is a mess and covered in beer bottles and clothes, and 2. he is a very soft, sweet boy who is obviously pining over his best friend, and with the softness of the song and with just the absolute LONGING on his face when he plays with jonas’ hair??? like my dude my guy you can tell this twink is just FULL of yearning!!!!! there’s also so much that can be said about the lines “i woke up and it didn’t go away” like that could be referencing matteo’s depression, him trying to repress his sexuality, like we don’t have time to unpack ALL of that!!! also gotta say matteo noticing the girl’s number on jonas’s arm as the lyrics “will you not think of me tonight” are sung is.......kinda heartbreaking, bro, but in that very specific gay pining over your straight best friend way

**nothing else - so this song doesn’t play for super long but i can vaguely talk about the lyrics??? so it starts off with “you don’t want to be rich like everybody else does / you just wanna grow old sit still while everybody else runs” which could kind of be a callout to matteo’s apparent lack of motivation?? and his feeling of kinda being stuck and just going with whatever happens to him?? and like how his friends are doing well in school and seem to know what they want to do (fast forward to matteo talking about being annoyed when he’s asked what he wants to do after school) and that general feeling you get when you’re depressed in school, ya know??? on a happier note i feel like the line “i like you just the way you are” is a kind of foreshadowing the whole “no, you’re good the way you are” line which just....absolutely slaps ya know??? like that shit is breathtaking bro

heaven - okay so first of all the way this song starts of so soft and slow and stays soft and slow is a very good foreshadowing for davenzi’s relationship i feel, especially the beginning of it when they’re still both kinda deciding if they want to push past their own specific “baggage” and pursue the other, like all the super cute awkward flirting and just how painstakingly slow the almost kiss was, so much of their relationship is just so slow and gentle and sweet and soft and this song really hits on so much of that!!!! even during the peak of the song it’s quiet, but with so much force and build up that you can tell that something important is happening, and it’s at its loudest when they look at each other but even THEN the music is so gentle and just beautiful and kinda hopeful honestly?? it has a slight energy behind it, especially when the song picks up later (which isn’t played in the show) but that part has a lot of just good energy behind it, i think it was like,, the perfect song to start off davenzi’s relationship tbh!!!

bullet - okay so the fact the the first note of the song plays just as david smiles fully for the first time and the second note plays just as matteo smiles the tiniest bit back at him (cause he’s already crushin HARD you can just tell) is really just *chefs kiss* absolute perfection!!! and then it keeps playing and it’s kind of sad as david walks away, and right after matteo says “i think that’s somebody else” the first lyrics are sung, which happen to be “these ropes they tie my tongue” which is an obvious reference to the fact that he’s fucking GAY and is just so scared to say something, but now he sees this new boy and is like haha jk.......unless???

[beckydoesthings]

various fics of hxl that i adore reading! this list is quite lengthy, but feel free to message me if you have any questions!

*will continue to be updated. also, if i mistagged you, i apologize, i do not know how to tumblr*

Love Is a Rebellious Bird

E | 134k | @100percentsassy and gloria_andrews

AU in which the boys still make music. Louis is the concertmaster of the London Symphony Orchestra, Harry is the New! and Exciting! interim conductor/ex-cello prodigy who "has made Mozart cool again" according to Esquire Magazine (Louis hates him immediately, which is definitely why he internet stalked him in his dark bedroom late at night that one time), and Niall is the best. Zayn and Liam are around too.

Don't hum Bolero.

i think this tickled every bone of my musical self and also made me cry (are you seeing a theme here??) one of the first fics i fell in love with and one i keep coming back to.

Collision

E | 226k | @tequiladimples

Mythology/Fairytale!AU in which Louis is a dainty fairy with a temper who wants to be intimidating and Harry hurts people. Naturally, they hate each other.

(Featuring Liam, the big and not-so-bad wolf who’s got a thing for humans, Zayn, a human with supernaturally good looks, and Niall, the cupid who just wants his job to be easier.)

the world building in this one is insanity - so much good mythology mixed in and it made me screech with joy. i think i can firmly say that i did not expect where the plot went, but that made the story so much better.

Flour and Chocolate

M | 145k | @danosphere91

It was nice, for a bakery he supposed.

Then he approached the display cabinet.

And the foreboding slammed into him. Because every product had letters next to it. Letters. GF, DF, V, O, VGN.

What. The. Fuck?

Lifting his eyes to the chalkboard menu spread across the back wall Louis felt physically ill. ‘Gluten-free’, ‘organic’, ‘vegan’, ‘paleo’, ‘dair-…’ Wait, what the fuck was a paleo? He had entered some hipster-trash establishment and it was more than time to get out.

OR

Louis is a single dad and Harry works at the newly opened bakery down the street.

the miscommunication in this fic is SO REAL and makes for a good read. the rest of the flour and chocolate series is also fantastic. i thoroughly enjoyed both the ziam and ed/niall arcs that bring the whole story together.

run away home

E | 106k | @hattalove

Louis stands, in the middle of a clearing with his hands in his pockets, and stares. This boy—God, this gorgeous, gorgeous boy. He seems so clumsy, confused at the best of times, but there’s a wisdom about him as he speaks, a maturity that belies his age.

Louis is hopelessly, wildly attracted to him.

or, louis is a successful jockey down on his luck, struggling to get his life back on track after an injury. harry has a horse, a house fit for a prince, and a broken heart.

it takes them a while to figure out that they need each other.

this makes my inner horse girl extraordinarily happy - even if i don’t know anything about horse racing. louis’ story in this is beautiful and makes the whole piece worth a read.

waiting for the tides to meet

E | 60k | @nauticalleeds

Louis lets out a deep breath, thinking about Harry’s soulmate. Thinking about how Harry’s soulmate is probably as beautiful as Harry, some person that Louis cannot compare to, and how the universe has chosen them to be Harry’s. Fuck the universe. “Fuck you,” he calls out to the universe. He’s aware of how crazy he sounds.

Maybe he is crazy, with how he’s falling for Harry. And fuck that, too.

Soulmate AU. Everyone is born with heterochromia — one eye is their own eye colour, while the other is the colour of their soulmate's. It's only when they meet their soulmate for the first time that their own eyes match properly. After a hazy night at a frat party, Louis wakes up to blue eyes and the shocking realization that he had met his soulmate, without any sober recollection. Seven years pass where Louis comes to terms with the fact that he'll never know who his soulmate is. Then one fated summer, a beautiful green-eyed photographer arrives at Louis' workplace, with promises of endless laughter and a familiar feeling in Louis' heart.

Featuring a lovely cup of OT5, a road trip down the coast, and a scene where Harry eats a whole head of lettuce. Don't ask why.

gorgeous soulmate AU that gives me summer cruising vibes. worth the read for the lettuce scene alone (i kid, i kid)

Do Not Go Gentle

E | 70k | @afirethatcannotdie

“This is all a game to you, isn’t it? Well, it’s not for me. This is a real life or death situation,” Louis says, spitting the words at him. “And I just don’t think you’re cut out for it.”

For a moment, they stare at each other in complete silence. Harry can feel his blood thrumming between his ears, can see Louis glaring at him, feels red-hot anger. And then all he feels, oppressively and desperately, is lust.

Suddenly Louis is surging up to him to press his lips against Harry’s. Harry walks the two of them backwards, pressing Louis back against the door. Louis oomphs in surprise and brings his hands under Harry’s scrub top, scratching at his lower back.

“Lock — oh — lock the… fucking door,” Louis mutters.

When Harry Styles starts his first day as a surgical intern, he expects a lot of things: to treat patients, to observe a surgery, to feel a bit overwhelmed. What he definitely doesn't expect, however, is that the handsome guy he kicked out of his bed this morning is also an intern.

A Grey’s Anatomy AU where tensions are high, Harry and Louis are hooking up in secret, and no one has time for love. Or do they?

okay i’ve watched maybe 3 episodes of Gray’s Anatomy, but i feel like this encompasses the vibe of the show: medical stuff with a hefty dose of angst and sexual tension

Falling For Me Won’t Be A Mistake

M | 58k | @all-these-larrythings

Harry is married to his job and so overworked that he doesn't know how to stop. All it takes is a forced Hawaiian get-a-away, the warm tropical breeze of the island, and the most beautiful, elusive man he's ever seen to make him remember what living is like outside of work. Well, that, and the little souvenir he accidentally takes home with him.

one of my favorite mpreg fics so if that’s not your cup of tea, then don’t read it. i love surgeon harry with a vengeance, but honestly Gems and Niall are iconic in this one.

Watching the World Fall

E | 11k | @crazyupsetter why won’t it let me tag :(

This segment has been going on long enough that Louis knows what’s coming before James starts in on it, trying to sell him on something he knows that Louis wouldn’t normally be buying. But there’s four cameras surrounding him, and an audience watching him expectantly, so if Louis wants to continue convincing people that he’s doing just fine, he’s going to have to go along with it.

“We have a whole host of single men backstage waiting to meet you, Louis,” James tells him. “We want to help you find love tonight, on Late Late Live Tinder. Is this okay? Do you want to play?”

It actually kind of makes sense that his first date after the break-up is going to be just as public as said break-up. Something like coming full circle.

“Alright, James,” Louis agrees, hopping down off his stool.

“Okay, come down to the stage,” James says. Louis can’t even tell whether the excitement in his voice is genuine or not. “Right now, come on down!”

i have a soft spot the size of Antarctica for Late Late AU fics (we stan James Corden) and for exes to lovers so this checks all the boxes.

autumn leaves

E | 27k | @suspendrs

“Brave?” Harry frowns, caught off guard. “No, not particularly.”

“You seem brave,” Louis decides, pushing off the wall and stepping on the butt of his cigarette. “You are strong, and you are not mean. That’s good,” he assures, touching Harry’s arm gently.

“Thank you, but that’s not true,” Harry smiles ruefully. “I’m really not anything special.”

Or, Harry is an American soldier in France during World War II, and Louis is a French waiter that doesn't mean to fall in love with him.

love love french AUs and while this one isn’t sunshine and rainbows, it’s a beautiful yet heart wrenching piece. warning for period typical homophobia

caught up in your love affair

NR | 8k | @disgruntledkittenface

“And the corgis took to you straightaway,” Harry remarks.

“That’s true,” Louis chuckles.

 “I’ve spent the last 29 years being barked at,” Harry deadpans, jerking his hand toward Louis, “this one walks in, absolutely nothing.”

Louis outright giggles at that, saying, “They were just lying on my feet during tea.”

“Wagging tails,” Harry says, shaking his head.

“It’s because they don’t understand flirting,” Louis tells him, “you can’t charm them the way you do everyone else.”

Royal AU. Prince Harry announces his engagement to Louis Tomlinson in an interview with longtime friend and BBC host Nick Grimshaw. Inspired by Prince Harry and Meghan Markle.

just. 8k of royal fluff. that’s literally it and i adore it so much.

Apples Always Fall (As I Do For You)

M | 54k | @rainbowsandgucci

”Due to unforeseen circumstances, help is needed here at the orchard for the impending apple season. Looking for someone able to start within the next week or two at the most, is willing to do whatever miscellaneous tasks are needed, such as picking & packing apples, running the cash register, and other handywork that may need to be done. Must be good with customers, and able to lift up to 50lbs. Help will be needed until at the least the end of October. Please contact the number found on this page, or come out to the orchard and ask for Harry. All the love xx” --- Louis is staying at his Aunt's farm in a small town in Minnesota for four months. To deal with the boredom that sets in a week into his stay, he starts working at the local apple orchard, owned by twenty six year old Harry Styles. Louis quickly finds himself falling in love with the orchard, and he finds a family in Harry's friends Niall, Liam, and Zayn. He also starts to fall in love with Harry. Falling in love with him turns out to be the easy part.

i never thought i would enjoy an apple orchard fic?? but it’s so good?? farmer harry makes me laugh to think about, but the heartbreak in this fic is so. real.

Mine Would Be You

E | 114k | @crinkle-eyed-boo

Louis blinks his eyes open, his eyelids fluttering as the room swims around him. He takes several gulps of beer once he confirms that he’s definitely not hallucinating, that the very first portrait Harry Styles ever painted of him is hanging on that wall.

Louis stares at the wall, his heart jackrabbiting in his chest as he realizes that there’s not just one painting of him, there’s five, the portraits lined up like they’re some sort of storyboard depicting the rise and fall of his deepest love. His greatest heartache. A pain that cut him so deep that he left the fucking country, severing all ties with his life in New York, now suddenly surrounding him as if he’d never left.

Fucking shit motherfucker fuck.

Louis returns to New York City five years after he left it – and the love of his life – behind. He didn't intend to see Harry again, but fate has a funny way of pulling them together, whether they like it or not. After making a begrudging truce, they both start to wonder: Would it be so bad if history repeated itself?

exes to lovers drama but make it extra sad. the fact that we see so many facets to this story just makes it all the more painful, yet beautiful. this fic also reminds me of how much i love one mister niall horan.

One for Luck

E | 96k | @leavingonatrain

The very first time Louis remembers hearing Harry Styles' deep, deep voice, he's just won gold at the World Equestrian Games and he's officially back on Great Britain's Olympic team. He's also three sheets to the wind, drunk on victory and champagne, and there's a gorgeous boy whispering in his ear. Life's grand.

(AU: Louis and Harry are professional riders on the British Olympic team.)

again, i know nothing about horses, but i like to pretend i do for the sake of this fic. it’s beautiful, it’s smutty what else could you ask for?

Nothing But You On My Mind

E | 83k | @absoloutenonsense

Louis Tomlinson is a PR manager hired to improve the image of royal bad-boy Prince Harry Styles. Unfortunately for him, that means being faced with the Prince's constant innuendos, incessant dirty jokes, and relentless flirting. Louis just wants to make it to Princess Gemma's coronation; once she's crowned Queen, his contract is up and he never has to see the Prince again.

i absolutely. definitely. sobbed tears at this fic. it’s just so beautifully painful to read. don’t want to spoil anything, but this is a must.

Adore You

M | 67k | @isthatyoularry

“We invited our new acquaintances from uptown. You’ve simply got to meet their oldest son!” said his mother with a flourish, and suddenly it became abundantly clear as to why his parents had so adamantly demanded he join them in Deansville for the entirety of the summer.

Against his wishes, Harry spends the holidays at his family’s summer estate, and is reluctantly pulled into a courtship he didn’t ask for. Harry doesn’t want to get married, but Louis does. They don’t fit, but then again they really, really do.

Vaguely set in the 1920’s. Headpieces, jazz, fashionable canes, and flapper dresses, and that.

i strongly relate to harry in this one! one of my favorite historical AUs and honestly i love the thought of louis in well fitting suits.

leave it to the breeze

E | 81k | @hattalove

Louis couldn’t be prouder of his bake, but there’s something—there’s something. Something about Harry Styles and the earnest way he measures, pours, mixes, scrapes. Something about the tip of his tongue poking out of his mouth as he knocks the air out of his batter.

or a great british bake off au in which louis cares about winning and winning only, harry is made of sunshine and rainbow sprinkles, and niall sticks his nose into other people's business. also featuring liam as louis's best friend-slash-concerned mother, and zayn as a macaron connoisseur.

i. love. the. great british baking show. baking + h&l is amazing. and another reminder as to why niall is the absolute best.

Paint The Sky With Stars

M | 62k | @icanhazzalou grrr let me tag

On 10 April 1912, Harry Styles boards the finest ship the world has ever seen. Still grieving the death of their mother, he and his sister are being sent to America to live with a callous uncle who cares more about his business connections than family. Harry prepares himself for a long, disappointing voyage alone in his stateroom.

Louis Tomlinson has borrowed and saved, and finally has enough to purchase a Third Class ticket to America. With all of his belongings in a single ruck sack, he boards the Titanic filled with hope for a brighter future. Never one to sit still, he can’t resist exploring the massive ship, and soon goes sneaking into First Class in a stolen steward’s uniform.

By a twist of fate, Louis finds himself in Harry’s stateroom, entranced by the most attractive man he’s ever laid eyes on. He keeps returning day after day, even if he doesn’t understand what it is about Harry that continues pulling him in. That’s all right; Louis has a week to figure it out, and Harry is plenty willing to help.

Except they don’t have a week. They have four days. Because on 15 April, their entire world will be turned upside down.

Or, the historically accurate Titanic AU with a happy ending.

gorgeous historical fic that’s so accurate and painstakingly written. i keep coming back to it!

When It’s Late At Night

M | 25k | @all-these-larrythings

Louis has zero interest in an ex-boybander turned solo artist when his appearance on the show gets announced, but that's exactly who he gets stuck with when Harry Styles shows up at the Late Late show to promote the release of his debut album. For an entire fucking week.

Or

The Late Late prompt that we all need to get through this excruciatingly hard time.

remember when i said i love Late Late AUs? yeah. i love that louis gives absolutely zero shits in this fic until he gives all the shits.

Chasing Empty Spaces

E | 79k | @domestic-harry

The year is 1934 and Harry Styles was to inherent the largest tobacco firm in the south. His parents have picked out the “perfect” girl for him to marry and he has the privilege of receiving the highest education possible. The problem was, Harry hadn’t realized he didn’t actually want any part of that future until he met a mechanic named, Louis Tomlinson.

gorgeous historical AU that goes through Harry’s struggle with his sexuality wonderfully. this one also made me cry.

Resist Everything Except Temptation

E | 100k | @domestic-harry

The lethargic sound of heels clicking against wood resonated across the sea. Footsteps descended the staircase, every assured step creating a menacing aura as it grew closer. Perspiration gathered along Louis’ palms as the rhythmic sound halted in front of him.

“Captain,” Malik greeted.

Louis watched out of his peripheral as Malik’s boots shuffled back a few steps. Sweat matted the hair along the nape of Louis’ neck as he waited for something to happen. He felt as if a sharp blade was twisting his gut as the silence became tangible. There was a metallic slide of a sword being pulled out of its sheath, the sound startling Louis out of his cocoon of sterile shock. His shoulders jumped as the tip of a blade flattened underneath his jaw. Louis’ distorted reflection stared back at him in the polished metal. Engraved rose petals twisted his appearance as they crawled up the length of the sword. The sword lifted and took Louis’ chin with it.

Standing in front of Louis was Captain Styles.

OR

The one where Louis is the commodore's son who is forced to become a part of Harry's crew when he is captured.

love this pirate AU that’s got one badass gemma styles. also, harry as a super cool pirate in gorgeous clothes makes me super happy!

i’ll make this feel like home

E | 49k

Harry to groans himself and then takes a deep breath. “Okay, well. Here’s the thing. I peed on a stick.”

Louis isn’t able to get more than a shocked “What!” out before Harry’s steamrolling on.

“I peed on a stick and it says it’s positive, but you always prattle on about how it’s best to go to the doctor’s before you get excited, you know to confirm it because sometimes hormones are off or you have like a tumor or some shit and get false positives and what if I’m dying and-”

“You’re pregnant?!” Louis shouts out, stomach dropping as the words leave his mouth.

“Um, yeah… maybe.”

[the one where Louis' hopelessly in love with his best mate... who just happens to be pregnant with another man's baby.]

baby momma harry with hot mess!Louis is a recipe for disaster, but this one has plenty of fluff to make up for it.

Hands Clasped Tight

E | 44k | @afirethatcannotdie

“What am I looking at here?” Harry asks.

“This, my friends, is a ‘proof’ Instagram account, run by your students,” Liam announces.

“It’s got all this stuff about how the two of you are together,” Niall adds.

“I heard about that,” says one of the math teachers. “Confiscated a kid’s phone today when they were looking at it. I have to say, the evidence that you’re dating is pretty damning.”

“Really,” Louis says dryly. “Do you think being married for three years might have something to do with it?”

Or the one where Harry and Louis are high school teachers and their students have been playing matchmaker for over a year. Little do they know, Harry and Louis are already married.

love love teacher harry and louis that’s mostly funny fluff with a little angst. just a teeny amount. reminds me of my own experiences with meddling students haha.

*updated 2/16/21*

[shortyisweird9]

'Lonely ghost serie'

Chek and heartache- part III

Tw⚠️:swearing, referring of dark themes such as suicide attempt and mental illness.

The morning rays hit your eyes gently, tangible by their warmth,as you forced yourself from another dream of nothing but blank.

You groaned as your cat,Didi, comes running towards you: purring, meowing and chirping in pure happiness. You knew the reason she does this; your previous cat, Martha or Dildo- your roommate Sergiu called her that because of her dickish attitude with him- used to do this everytime so the little one, Didi, just followed her mother's lead.

Everytime she does that is like a small needle stabs at your heart especially when just 2 weeks passed since Martha died of old age- the black cat was adopted when she was senior, abused and malnourished, your heart knew you couldn't leave her to be laid to rest like a nothing. You adopted her, she bit you and you petted her, she hissed you hugged her, you did everything you could think of to show love even brush her fur with a wet toothbrush end to mimic sweet kisses coming from her mom. The cat soon realized that and started living again. Cautious of your other 3 roommates, cuddly with you.

Anyway, you got sidetracked with reminiscing. You heard your friends in the kitchen, Sabrina throwing away the take out boxes and Sergiu preparing some tea, probably to calm his stomach after all the spicy curry he ate last night.

You fixed the oversized white t-shirt and pull the marine blue shorts out of your bottoms, Didi already waiting you by the door.

You all, Sabrina,Sergiu,Ace and you, live in a quaint apartment, turned from campus housing, right next to one of the malls of the city. It had two small bathrooms, a living room , three petite bedrooms ,a tiny kitchen, a rounded balcony and a hallway. It was much smaller than your family home but it was in a central zone where your family home was outside the city's boundaries. You chose it not only because you wanted to spare your family from driving you to university but also because you needed your freedom, your space. Your parents were very understanding of that.

-Y/n e trează? ( "Is Y/n awake?") Ace asked as he sipped on his black cofee.

Without, he would pretty much be a grumpy hedgehog with spiky tealish mohawk. And who wouldn't love that?

-Nu încă, ah! Uite-o! ("Not yet,ah! There she is") Sabrina exclaimed, getting up to hug you and leaving the smoking tea cup by the window.

"Hello." You said ,voice grungy and eyes shut from the light.

You felt the warm hands of your Arabic friend on your face filled with moles and couple of marks from recently popped pimples, you let yourself be engrossed into it ,the touch starvation you carry like a cross chosing for you.

You hear her laugh, she always had a pretty laugh and a prettier smile . She was the beauty of the group, with big puffy sand yellow curls, brown skin with red undertones and black eyes who glow in pure happiness. She was stunning and a sweetheart with an obsession on the colour red and butterflies.

"Someone is needy." Ace teased.

"Shut up or I will staple those hair triangles on your scalp. "

You wanted to say something better but Sabrina then started massaging your lower face in a circular manner with her thumb. You knew you couldn't do anything anymore except melt.

-Anyway ,unde e Sergiu? ("Anyway, where is Sergiu?")

-Ți-o făcut ceai, cane e pervaz. S-o dus până sus să o ajute pe Florentina.("He made you tea, the cup is on the windowsill. He went upstairs to help Florentina.") He said, taking another sip of his cup.

-Ooooh, Florentina. You two began as Ace shook his head in amusement.

You and Sabrina were known to be ruthless in your teasing of the guitarist with long brown locks and beard.

Florentina was a crush of his, a freshman in the University of Arts who played the violin beautifully. Small,with olive skin, long red hair keept in a 1960s hairstyle and green petite with a triangular shaped face. She was a sweetie with a love for fantasy book ,autumn and ferrets.

-Oh, yeah?

-Dup, iubitul ei se mută cu ea. ("Yup, her boyfriend moves in with her")

-Oh.

Ace sucked in his lip ,his face filled with disappointment just like theirs now.

-That sucks.

-Numai spune,Sabrina.("You don't say,Sabrina")

Just then, the door clicked shut. Sergiu is back, this will be awkward.

-Ce vă uitați așa la mine?("Why are you looking at me like that?")

Neither of them could properly looked into the warm brown eyes of the man whose glow seemed to fade a bit, Sergiu was a stubborn man who shut his feelings deep inside, only through his song you could tell he was suffering. Just like you, I suppose.

-Am auzit...("We heard...")

You bit your lips as your long fingers played with each other, twisting and tugging while your nerves grew. Last thing you wanted was another fight where you all force the man to open up. He had suicidal tendencies, sometimes he came too close to actually do it but you were there and you needed to be there now too, even if he doesn't like being taking care of.

Sergiu rolled his eyes at you, his heart hurt from how rigid your posture was, eyes were worried about him but also scared, teeth grinding themselves not out of anger but out of care and fear.

He knew you hated arguments and shouts with dying passion. You always cried when someone raised their voice in less than friendly manner, you hated this reaction of complete terror, you hated looking weak but now you hated letting your friend burn himself because of an unfortunate love triangle. So you swallowed your nerves and braved on, it's about him ,not you.

Sergiu wanted to protect you all from this negativity, especially you and Ace. You had a big event to organise , Ace's sex reassignment surgery is coming up soon. You both have your own problems to dwell ,you didn't need to have him as one too.

However somewhere in his head, a voice telling him that he was wrong ,that voice that took the shape of you in the night of July.

You were crying, your grey hoodie wet from the rain as you cling desperately to him, not daring to move.

He was the reason why you crying, why you yelled profanities our of worry for what he was about to do. He...He tried to throw himself off a bridge ,the same bridge you two first shared your kiss.

That dark episode still irked your minds in the darker moments, late in the night nothing but your mind to keep you company and that's torture in itself.

You thought you could help him, change whatever hurts him and make it go away. That was your biggest mistake, you can't change a person that's not your duty , your duty was to support them through tough times and help them see the light at the end of the dark tunnel. A duty you solemnly swore to uphold even if he didn't liked you to. There's no fucking way you let him do that again,not if you can be there for him. Like he was always there for you, your big guardian with a guitar that spews flames in shape of songs.

-Y/n..

-Te rog, Sergiu. Nu ascunde. ("Please, Sergiu. Don't hide.")

Your eyes were desperate for him to talk it out in any shape or form. They implore for him to vent, to not hid between fake lies like " I am okay" or "I'm fine."

-Bine,bine. Tu ești șefa. ("Fine,fine. You're the boss.")

————————————————————

They talked and talked and cried and laughed and cried again. A never ending circle of venting ,small earthquakes which instead of fracturing the friendship , it onlyakes it stronger as it should.

-Te simți mai bine?("You feeling better?") Your voice ran timidly on the top of your apartment building, watching over the brutalist styled architecture.

-Un pic, doare știi dar asta îmi arată cât de îndrăgostit sunt de ea. Iubirea adevărată pentru mine nu se referă doar la a iubi doar dacă te iubește reciproc, nu , să iubești fără să forțezi persoană să te iubească înapoi. Să îi porți de grijă, să o protejezi, să o ajuți fără să fi un egoist, fără să te aștepți să fi iubit înapoi. ("A little, it hurts you know but this shows how much I love her. True love for me doesn't mean to love just so they will love you back, no, to love someone without forcing them to love you back. To care for them, to protect them, to help them without being an egotistic, to love without expecting to be loved back.")

-Poetic.

He laughed at that , starring at the setting sun ,his lit cigar forgotten fumed between his painted fingers. His hair blown gently by the wind , he looked like a masterpiece.

-Scuze..pentru tot.("Sorry...for everything. ")

-N-ai de ce. Mi-ai făcut chec până la urmă așa că balanța eternă este restabilită.("You don't have a reason to be. You made me chek in the end and thus the eternal balance is restored.") You joked, munching quietly on the piece of cake, his jacket keeping you warm.

-Haha. Cine ar fi crezut că checul are fi o gustare bună când îți dai vent.("Haha. Who would have thought that chek will be a good snack when you vent.")

Indeed, who would have thought of that but one who cried in the sore days filled with heart ache.

————————————————————

Hey,guys!💖

Hope you like the third part of the serie, I wanted to focus on "your life" and your friends backgrounds this time. The translations are not 100% word to word but enought to give you context.

Anyway, I hope you like it. Stay safe!

Tagged 💗💗:@moolujk @gaysludge @simonsbluee @yoyoanaria @cherry-piee @magenta-skyline @yikesyikesyikes95

[ronnie-azumane]

Kitten?

This is something I came up with at midnight while trying to complete my numerous missing assignments. I apologize in advance

Summary: Tsukishima Kei is a mod of a discord server And with his luck, he finds his first love on the server he runs. He falls head over heels, and vows to fulfill all her needs. However, not everything is what it seems.

Tsukishima was a simple man with simple likes. Granted, However, these likes weren’t as commonplace among his peers.

Sure, he moderated a Discord Server full of people of all ages. In said server, they would play games and talk about the various shows they watched together, some of which were considered children shows.

“Anyone catch the new episode of My Little Pony?” someone on the server would ask.

Tsukishima would bat in immediately, saying, “Remember the two-week spoiler warning, everything else must be covered and properly tagged.” He was the perfect mod, as he was both online all the time he didn’t have school or practice, as well as he was a stickler for the rules. Plus, he had only recently gained access to last week’s episode not long ago, therefore, he had not seen the new episode.

Another thing he liked to do on this server was talk to others on the voice call feature. He enjoyed talking to the many people who decided to join the server, even making a couple of friends, which he refused to believe for the longest time.

One of these many friends was a user that went by the name of gamergirl05. She was a peculiar person, only logging in late at night and logging out early in the morning, only to be away from her computer until late that night again.

She intrigued Tsukishima. Not only was she one of the only girls on the server, she always seemed to be on the voice chat. She never typed messages, never spoke, unless she was spoken to on the voice call. 

Her voice was soft and breathy, with a medium pitch. Her profile picture was a white cartoon cat against a pastel pink background. Sometimes, when playing videogames, you could here her grunt in frustration every once in a while.

Tsukishima couldn’t help from gaining a crush. 

She didn’t seem clingy, she seemed rather chill and independent, it was like God itself sent this woman into Tsukishima’s life. 

She was perfect.

Tsukishima couldn’t help but get excited whenever he saw that she was online. He would always join the voice call whenever he saw she was online.

They would have meaningful conversation. Tsukishima would learn much about her. She was living in Tokyo. She was a year older than Tsukishima; a second year in high school. She had been playing videogames for as long as she could remember. She has an overactive imagination, pretending that she was getting chased by dragons and facing checkpoints every time she walked to school in the morning. She wasn’t popular, but had a couple of close knit friends.

The more they talked, the more Tsukishima fell head over heels. However, the more he started to fall for her, the more he realized that he didn’t know how to express himself in a positive way. He was known as a negative nelly most of his life, with his relationship with the fellow members of the Karasuno volleyball club solidifying that feeling of disgust he felt toward others. Ever with his best friend Yamaguchi he was unable to show positive feelings toward, even though he didn’t feel anything negative toward his best friend.

Unknowing what to do, he looked up online ‘how to show someone you like them,’ only to come up with a website offering a free test to those wondering what their love language was. perfect.

Tsukishima took the test, answering each question as truthfully as he could, even asking his mom what she thought of him for one of the questions.

After thirty minutes of reading, understanding, and clicking, Tsukishima gat the result he was looking for- his love language.

His love language was gift-giving.

He knew exactly what to do at that point. 

Later that night, he stared at the voice call box, waiting for a certain someone to join the call. At 11:00pm on the dot, gamergirl05 joined the call. Tsukishima joined the call soon after.

“Um, hey, uh, how was your day?” Tsukishima asked her.

“My day? I guess it was okay,” she replied. Her voice was still light and breathy as usual. Not too high-pitched as to make Tsukishima believe that she was fake, and not to low to make her sound unattractive to him. The perfect voice for arguably the perfect human.

“Do you have Nitro by any chance?” Tsukishima asked her.

“No, I don’t see the benefit for paying for it myself,” she replied.

“If someone got it for you, would you use it?”

“Sure, I don’t see why not.”

“I-I Don’t mid gifting it to you, if you tell me your Venmo, Ill send the money right now!”

“Ok.” 

She read off a couple of letters and numbers, spelling out her Venmo for him to gift money to. Tsukishima used his mom’s credit card to send her over $50, with the unspoken promise of paying her back one day, even though she didn’t even know her youngest son stole her card.

They talked the rest of the night, until Tsukishima had to go to bed.

XxX

Tsukishima didn’t let up on his gifts to gamergirl05, or Cat as she started referring herself to. Anything she mentioned offhandedly form a new skin to a longing for a fast food meal, Tsukishima sent her the appropriate funds needed to retrieve that item. 

Each monetary gift he sent on Venmo was given a reply of the kissing face emoji.

Tsukishima was over the moon. Not only was he becoming better at volleyball every day after school, but he was also getting closer and closer to Cat. When he found out that he was going to Tokyo for a training camp, he excitedly went online that night to tell cat about how he was going to be in Tokyo and that maybe they could meet up.

“Sorry, but I have plans for that weekend,” Cat said. Tsukishima sighed, but figured as much. He was disappointed, but not surprised.

However, he picked himself up by the bootstraps and packed up his stuff to go to Tokyo for the training camp.

XxX

The weekend was tough. Karasuno faced loss after loss against the Tokyo powerhouse schools. However, the team had learned a lot about both themselves and their offensive and defensive power.

After a long weekend of training, all the guys were sore. All their muscles were aching and screaming, begging for some relief.  The coaches complied, supplying all the players with all the watermelon they could eat.

All the players gathered into groups, talking within each other’s friend groups. Tsukishima kept his distance from the others, with Yamaguchi joining in with them. They talked about various topics here and there, but nothing too serious.

Tsukishima was starting to zone out, thinking about Cat, and what she may or may not be doing. He hated to admit it, but he was head over heels in love, even though he had never seen Cat in a picture, much less in person.

While Tsukishima was zoning out, thinking of his unofficial lover, Hinata, Kenma, and Lev gathered nearby, talking loudly about who knows what. Tsukishima wasn’t paying attention, until the topic of discord came up. All his focus then went into listening in on this conversation.

“So you guys are on discord? What servers are you guys in?” Hinata asked.

“Not too many, I bet Kenma’s on a couple though,” Lev replied, only for Kenma to grunt in reply.

“Oh really! What servers are you on, Kenma?”

“Ehh, just a couple here and there. I frequent a My Little Pony server because a mod there gives me money a lot.”

Tsukishima felt a shock run throughout his body. A My Little Pony server? Maybe he was on the same server as him. He would never bring it up, but he was glad to know someone on the server; talking to 12-year-olds all day did get old.

“Wait, someone pays you to be on a My Little Pony server?” Lev asked.

“No, I think he is somehow attracted to me, every time I mention something I want, he sends me money.” Kenma replied, taking a massive bite out of his watermelon slice.

‘That’s kind of odd, who would give money like that to a guy like Kenma?’ Tsukishima thought.

“How did you do that, Kenma? I could sure use the extra cash,” Hinata asked.

“Well, Kuroo taught me to raise my voice like this to sound like some kind of gamer girl,” Kenma explained in a girly voice. Not too high to sound fake, not too low to sound unattractive. Perfect.

Just like Cat.

‘This has to be a coincidence, there’s no way that Kenma and Cat are the same person’ Tsukishima desperately thought. 

“Oh, do you guys want to be friends on Discord, so we can keep in contact?” Hinata asked.

“I guess. I’m gamergirl05#0000,” Kenma replied, essentially murdering Tsukishima with his response.

Tsukishima stood up from where he was sitting. Forgetting the fact that he was still supposed to be in a conversation with Yamaguchi, he left the area, trying to find a secluded area, eventually settling for a small ally in between two of the gyms.

Once making sure he couldn’t be seen, he let all his held-in emotions out. He screamed up to the sky as the threw his watermelon rind against the wall, watching it break into numerous pieces. 

“My Heart!” he screamed out, “I loved her!” He sank to the ground and let the tears flow. As he wailed out in despair, he covered his face with one hand while knocking his fist against the grass with his other.

Yamaguchi, who saw this all go down, ran up to go comfort his best friend. He didn’t know what was going on, other than the fact that his best friend was a mess on the floor.

How was Tsukishima going to tell his mom, who was already suspicious of him stealing her credit cards, that the money wasn’t being spent on her future Daughter in law? How was he going to log back in on the server, knowing he was cat fished?

He didn’t know what tomorrow would bring. All he knew at that moment was the soft an warm hand of Yamaguchi softly rubbing his back in an attempt to calm him down.

[plantfeline]

writerly ephemera (tag game)

i was tagged by @wolfbuck + the idea is for authors to put five examples of times in their writing where it shows little pieces of themselves + their lives and explain the personal meaning behind it!!

thank u eli for tagging me, this is such a lovely ask game!

1 - from a mutilated animal laid writhing at my feet

He wants to sit up, but trying alone is going to be a fucking nightmare. He readies himself then rolls to his side in one movement. Pain shoots through his abdomen. Fucking. Breath, Remus. Breath. His usual go to for getting himself up a bad pain day is to roll onto his front and push up from there. This is. Pretty bad though, and he thought he’d probably made a grave mistake attempting it.

so i have a chronic illness/disability that causes lots of weird bone/muscle/nerve pain. and its never really. reasonable and it never really makes any sense and its. incredibly difficult. and so when writing remus in this fic i tried to kind of have the pain as a constant background, seperate to the pain he was feeling like. emotionally. because that's what its like for me. it was a super interesting exercise to like. artfully describe some of the pain he's in and just. be describing my own pain at that exact moment. i could probably go on about lycanthropy causing chronic pain for like. ever.

2. also from a mutilated animal laid writhing at my feet

The coffee table was piled with built up grot, stuff that’d never been tidied. One wrong bump and it would all come tumbling down. It’d been months since anyone had had the time to care about that stuff.

okay this one is a bit funny. when imagining remus and sirius' flat post hogwarts, a lot of my personal experience living in places that range from crappy to straight up dangerous + scary come into how i see it. this one specifically is based on the place i lived straight after school, where we had a sun room we used for smoking and sitting around doing fuck all mostly. and it was . fucking feral constantly and one of my favourite hobbies was taking all the stuff on the coffee table and making it into like. a balancing sculpture of rubbish. very fun would reccomend.

3. another one from a mutilated animal laid writhing at my feet (can u tell im obsessed w/ this fic?)

There were spots of black mould travelling up where the wall met the shower door. It seemed to crawl and swell in its path, creating strange patterns in Remus’ vision. He blinked trying to focus properly. Still it crept, all consuming.

when i was around 16/17 i was struggling with pretty severe mental health issues, that involved sometimes having episodes involving things moving around on the walls specifically. it wasnt great obviously. Though i find including the experience of things moving around on a wall that you cant really get rid of really powerful for showing where someone's at in my work.

4. from tumble to the ground

He couldn’t imagine anything more ridiculous, or more fun, he could be doing. Remus hadn’t really ever had any friends to do stuff like this with before coming to school. (...) The feeling now of pulling a real joke; causing proper trouble, was exhilarating. His heart was going a million miles an hour, and he kept sneaking looks to the boys either side, fighting to keep from laughing. It was completely absurd. Remus loved it.

god this fic was so fun to write! the exhilaration he felt doing something with his new friends, feeling included for the first time really is based on my experiences of being an autistic kid who struggled w/ like. understanding how to be friends with someone. so when i ended up with people who were as excited to have me there as i was to be there it was like. the most incredible thing. and thats kind of the point of this whole fic is to show remus, who had never had other kids to muck around with, finally getting to be involved and included. warms my heart. very special to me.

5. thought u were done being bombarded with this fic? no. another one from a mutilated animal laid writhing at my feet

There is a doe, split open at the chest. Her torso is heaving. Remus can see her lungs sunken inside her cracked ribs. Blood, so dark it is almost black, is pooling where she lies.

so ive always been completely insane over the idea of like. open chests with exposed ribs. its like when u feel so so heavy and full of rage or grief or something and you want to rip ur chest open. lots of my non-fan work (writing and art both) centers around this feeling bc like. i used to have a lot of difficulties regulating my emotions and like. that was what most of my feelings turned into. like hello i want to rip my chest open etc. writing this was super cathartic to kind of fictionalise it. and also since im much better at handling things now its fun to use like. my personal motifs.

[shes-fast-like-me]

i know how much it matters to you

i know how much it matters to you

AO3 Link

Pairing(s): Established Lifetane, Gibby x his boyfriend

Word Count: 1,791

Warnings: Mentions of childhood neglect and bad parents, discussion of mental illness and trauma, alcohol. (Tell me if you feel anything else should be tagged!)

may was borderline personality disorder awareness month (alongside being adhd awareness and mental health awareness month in general) so i decided to project onto my fave. the symptoms of it aren’t 100% being portrayed here but this is something i feel like a lot of us relate to so?? idk man emotional impermanence be like that

=+=+=+=

"Here comes the big man himself!" Elliott called, twisting around in his seat to wave Makoa over to sit with them in the living space.

"Show us the ring!" Ajay beamed as the tall man made his way over to the other Legends gathered around their small makeshift coffee table. He held out his hand, a rather dainty bejeweled silver ring on his ring finger. Everyone cooed over it.

"You're so lucky, man," Elliott said, handing Makoa a beer as he sat down on the couch next to him, "congrats."

"Aye, thanks bruddahs," Makoa grinned from ear to ear. The man was always bright and full of smiles but Octavio swore he has never seen him this happy. He was almost radiant.

"When's the weddin'?" Ajay asked, sitting back against Octavio's side and sipping on her mocktail. She always hated alcohol so the drink was as fruity and non-alcoholic as Elliott could possibly mix up.

"Spring of next year," Makoa said, "We want some time on our honeymoon before the next season, so,"

Everyone nodded in agreement. The season breaks between spring and summer were a little longer than the autumn to winter breaks and since Makoa was proposed to this spring it gave them extra time to plan everything. Makoa and his fiancé had relatives all over the Frontier and would probably want to plan the wedding at a time when the most family members could attend. And the other Legends, of course.

"So," Octavio set his empty cocktail glass down and picked up a can of beer off the table. He could get a little drunk, it was only their first night back onto the dropship, the new season kicking off in two days. "Any idea for wedding gifts?"

He was loaded. He could afford pretty much anything they wanted.

"Ah, no, it's no problem, bruddah-"

"No, no, I insist," He decided to pour the beer into his empty glass anyway, not wanting to waste the ice cubes still sitting at the bottom, "anything you like, I got it."

Makoa laughed. "Just you showing up is enough for me."

"Alright," Octavio sat down into the headrest but still decided he was going to buy Makoa and his fiancé something anyway. After all, that's what you do at weddings, right? Octavio has been to many weddings before, many of them being his own father's, and the couple was always gifted a fancy car or yacht or something of the sort.

He mostly just tuned out the rest of the conversation. Talk of weddings always reminded him of his dad and how weddings were a near weekly occurance for him. He wanted to go for Makoa's sake, of course, and he would force himself to even if Ajay told him it was okay to stay home if it got too overwhelming. He'd just get blackout drunk at the party and probably just dissociate the whole evening, but he was willing to do that for his friend.

Later that evening, Octavio lay on Ajay's bed as they watched anime together on the small holo-TV provided in their temporary rooms. Octavio buried his face into Ajay's pink hair as they spooned, his arm around her waist. He would've fallen asleep if his anxiety wasn't keeping him up. If he had his legs on right now they'd be tapping away furiously, probably disturbing Ajay from watching the show altogether. Octavio kinda missed tapping his feet, he couldn't sleep without moving them and now that he didn't have them he'd imagine the sensation, like a ghost, and get sad whenever he realized it wasn't real. But that's such a small thing to get upset about.

His fingers grazed against the skin showing between Ajay's t-shirt and her sweatpants, tapping on the waistband as he worked up the courage to ask a question that has been itching at his brain all evening.

"Baby?" he said, uncertain of how to begin. She looked at him over her shoulder. "Have you ever thought.... about marriage?"

Instantly he cringed at the phrasing and tried to fix it. "I mean, not to me, necessarily. I'm just wondering- If you ever want to get married?"

She looked back towards the TV with a smile. "Depends who's askin'," she replied simply, "not at the moment though, I'm too busy. But it would be nice in the future."

Octavio bit his lip and really had the urge to tap his missing feet. The fear ached in his chest and he could feel his hands sweating. "I don't think I wanna get married," he said it quickly, almost afraid to hear her reaction. Verbally retracting as if he expected her to hit him or something. Why was that his instinctual reaction? No one ever hit him for speaking out.

She looked down at his hand and lightly brushed her fingers over his knuckles. "That's fine," she said but he couldn't pick up the tone. It made it feel worse. Was she upset? Was she hoping for a different answer?

"It's not," it took all his strength not to let his voice crack, assuming that she wasn’t satisfied with his answer. She turned to look at him properly. He tried to blink away the tears starting to form in his eyes.

"Babe, it's all fine. We don't have to get married. You don't have to get married, ever, if that's what makes you comfortable."

"But I want to," he said, voice trembling. "I want to make you happy if that’s what you want."

"I don't need marriage to be happy in life." She held his hand comfortingly and traced circles into it. "Besides, who says I'm gon' marry you?" She joked and he loved the way her nose scrunched up when she smiled at him. It lifted some of the weight off his chest and he smiled at the joke despite the tears.

"Okay," he swallowed and wiped the tears from his eyes, his fingers shaking.

"It's alright," she pushed the hair out of his eyes. He admired all the freckles dotting her skin. If Ajay let him stare at her for a while he could count them and maybe calm down a little bit, but that'd be weird of him to ask.

He let out a breath, "it's just," the tears were back but the tension of holding them in and bottling everything up was gone, "I don't want to be like my father."

"You're not." She whispered and studied his face as he continued.

"I don't wanna have kids and have them go through the same shit I did." Tears spilled from his eyes and down the sides of his cheeks. It hurt to think about treating his kids the way he was treated. He didn't even think his childhood had affected him that much until now. But it did, it hurt, it hurt to be ignored your whole life and live with no constants. He was constantly scared of everyone abandoning him, of things being taken away from him. Everything was so temporary to him, even Ajay. What if they got married and one day she decided she didn't love him anymore? How would he even handle something like that? He'd be crushed.

"You're not ya father," Ajay said calmly, bringing his hand up to her lips and kissing his knuckles, "and I've seen ya with my li'l cousins. You'd be a great dad. You said yaself you'd never want to hurt them the way your dad did, so you won't. Not intentionally."

"Do you think my father intended to hurt me?" He asked, his tone a little more passionate than he had intended it to be. "Obviously it was out of his control how I would react to-"

"Tavi, he did awful things to ya. You're allowed to be upset about it."

"But if I don't make excuses for him, how can I excuse my own shitty actions?" He covered his face and dug his palms into his eye sockets, blocking her out from his blurry view. "I'm even worse." His voice broke.

"You're not. You're ill. Ya just need some time and help to get things right. You're taking those steps. Your father never even considered that. That's what makes ya better than him."

It's true, he did have a therapist now, trying to help him manage the many disorders and issues he got stuck with. And he was trying so hard to be better, but it all felt so useless sometimes when he kept acting like this, being like this. Whenever he relapsed, whenever he split on someone, whenever he acted out or isolated or dissociated or cried. He always felt like he was taking steps backwards, not forwards.

"Listen, I know recovery's not easy for ya," she tapped her fingers on his chest and he moved his hands from his face to look at her as she spoke. "But you're pushin’ through it regardless. And I'm gon' be here for ya all the way through it, ya hear me? I'm not goin’ anywhere."

"Everyone says that." He sniffled.

"Yeah, well, I mean it," she said, "and I'll promise this to ya, that I won't leave ya alone no matter how hard it gets." She looked directly into his eyes, her soft voice calming his thoughts.

"Here," she said and took a beaded bracelet off her wrist. It was one of those kandi bracelets she sometimes wore, this one pink and purple with the word "LOVE" spelled out on it. "It's a promise." She held it out to him.

He looked at her hand, puzzled.

"It's like a promise ring. It should make ya feel better to have a physical representation of my promise to ya. I read that it helps with BPD to-"

He sat up and hugged her. "Thank you," he murmured into her shoulder. She pat his back and when they released each other he took the bracelet and put it on his wrist. "Thank you, " he breathed out again.

"Ya welcome." She smiled softly and honestly, her smile momentarily lit up the room. He was so lucky to have her.

"Now, can we finish the show? This next episode's the best one." She gestured with the remote to the paused screen. He hadn't even noticed when she paused it to speak to him. He smiled and nodded, laying back down on his side, her snuggling into him as she pressed 'play'.

"I'm sorry if I ruined the evening." He apologized.

"Ya didn't. I still love ya." She said and took his hand in hers, their fingers intertwined.

And after watching that magical girl show and breathing in her flowery perfume, Octavio finally found himself able to peacefully drift off to sleep for the night.

=+=+=+=

Taglist: @herondaleatheart @brontophile @moontearchild @soulheartthewolf @hey-its-mika @xbeaxbeax (You may always ask to be added or taken off the list! Being on the taglist notifies you of whenever I post a fic so if you are interested, please message me!)

[15001700tt]

Descendants of The Moon

Descendants of the Moon Masterlist

Tag list: @chastja  @multi-fan-trash @serpentityx @syublush @laadychat @whoissheff Dm me if you want to be on the tag list!

Word Count: 5,154

Key: Italics- things that happened in the drama but do not old any importance to the story line

Key: Bold- Dialogue said in the Drama

Getting Caught and Catching A Virus

Episode 10:

Captain Yoo doesn’t respond to Dae Young’s radio calls so they head to where they are, but by then Agus and his men have left. Shi Jin summarized what happened. Fatima is a girl that was going to get sold today and she managed to shoot Agus from behind, Mo Yeon was able to remove the bullet and they left but Captain Yoo doubted this would be the last time they would meet. The soldiers help the children to get into the truck and back to the field hospital to get treated.

Once they’re back, Mo Yeon helps the doctors test and treat the infected children. Doctor Sang and Nurse Ha were treating one kid while Mo Yeon looked at the X-rays. 

“I see signs of pneumonia,” she told Sang Hyun. 

“We’ll take it from here, go wash up,” Sang Hyun told Mo Yeon. she nodded and went to the water basin and started scrubbing her hands. She was so distracted she didn't notice Yoo Ji approaching her.

“Are the children vaccinated?” Yoo Ji asked, her eyes not focusing, but it was subtle. Mo Yeon didn't catch it. Mo Yeon was snapped back to reality when she turned to respond but was taken off guard by the strong smell of alcohol.

“Have you been drinking?” she squinted her eyes at her friend, who in return shrugged.

“A little” Yoo Ji responded, her words slurring together. 

“I won’t even ask where you got the booze but why are you drinking now?” Mo Yeon thought Yoo Ji was doing so well staying sober or at least not abusing her alcohol allowance.

“Gwang Nam is being an ass,” Yoo Ji muttered. 

“He seems pretty nice to me” Mo Yeon scrubbed her hands harder. 

“It's a facade, why do you have blood on your hands?” Yoo Ji slurred, but her gaze didn't falter from Mo Yeon’s hands. Mo Yeon sighed, she didn't know how to explain what happened in the last few hours to her friend.

“I’ll explain later when you’re sober” Mo Yeon chose the easy way out.

“So what happened with First Sergeant Lim?”

“He keeps digging information about the Kim Hoon Jae case” Yoo Ji picked at the loose hem of her shirt.

“He won’t let it go, and I have no idea how to distract him enough that he forgets about it” she huffed.

“You still have the nightmares?” Mo Yeon asked that case affected Yoo Ji the most out of all her work. What she had gone through, changed her so much, sometimes Mo Yeon can barely recognize her friend. Mo Yeon knows the kind of psychological damage that Yoo Ji endured because of her involvement, she recommended multiple psychiatrists to Yoo Ji but she never confirms nor denies whether she actually goes or not. Yoo Ji nodded.

“I think it's good to tell him about it, maybe actually help you feel lighter. Holding it in isn’t going to make anyone feel any better,” Mo Yeon tried to recommend. Mo Yeon wiped her hands on the cloth towel by the sink, Yoo Ji shook her head, her face was red from the alcohol. Mo Yeon’s eyes were drawn to behind Yoo Ji to the moving figure behind them. 

“Doctor Kang! The girl you brought with you says that she’s leaving. What should I do?” Nurse Choi’s concerned voice sounded out, her eyes drawn to the drunk girl beside Mo Yeon.

“Are you drunk?” she asked Yoo Ji with surprise, Yoo Ji smiled cheekily and gave her a smile.

“Shhh, don’t tell anybody” she hushed Nurse Choi. 

“Take her back to her room and I’ll handle the kid,” Mo Yeon told Min Ji and nodded at Yoo Ji who was dozing off. Min Ji nodded and guided Yoo Ji away from the Medi-Cube. 

“I can walk” Yoo Ji shrugged Min Ji’s hand. Halfway through they ran into a few soldiers. Min Ji bowed and excused themselves before Yoo Ji made a fool of herself. Gwang Nam was one of the soldiers they passed. He paused and looked back.

“Yoo Ji?” he asked with uncertainty. Yoo Ji looked drunk, her cheeks red, and her eyes were unfocused 

“That’s my name, don’t wear it out” she responded with a goofy chuckle. 

Gwang Nam told the soldiers to go ahead and he’ll see them inside. He came closer to the two girls. 

“Please don’t tell anyone, if someone knows she might get fired.” Min Ji excused.

“It’s ok, I’ll take her back, you can go back to the Medi-Cube” Gwang Nam smiled at the nurse who nodded and left.

“Aw, everyone is leaving me tonight” Yoo Ji huffed and pouted. 

“I haven’t, but you’re pushing me away” Gwang Nam took her shoulders and steadied her as she started swaying.

“And you’re driving me crazy” she responded. Gwang Nam looked at her hard, it was throwing him off how she can be so drunk that she can’t walk properly but can hold a conversation just fine.

“Why won’t you tell me anything about yourself or your work?” Gwang Nam tried again.

“Because it’s not as exciting as I want you to think” Yoo Ji pointed her finger at his nose, her eyes glistening and unfocused. 

“Besides, it’s not like you’re telling me anything either” Yoo Ji slurred. 

“This is a different situation” Gwang Nam refuted, “you’re a reporter, isn’t everything out for the public?” he continued.

“Indeed, but not my personal psychological problems, I’d like to keep those private” Yoo Ji responded rolling her eyes.

“Just what are you hiding?” Gwang Nam’s curiosity filled him but he couldn’t get more out of Yoo Ji because right after her head hit his shoulder and her soft breathing evened out. 

Gwang Nam sighed again, she’s proving to be more work as they get to know each other more. He looked at her face that seemed so peaceful. He wondered if something happened that made her so wary of everyone around her. He reached the bunker and laid her down. He covered her and left her to sleep for the rest of the night. He glanced at the empty whiskey bottle by her bed and put it in the trash, just in case someone decided to look for Yoo Ji in her room.

Gwang Nam made his way to the Medi Cube, at this point he’ll miss the meeting but he’ll talk with Captain Yoo about it later. Gwang Nam was going to find out what happened with Kim Hoon Jae that Yoo Ji is being more resistant to giving information. Well, more than she already is but he knows sometimes she does that to annoy him and remind him that he’s also withholding information about his job too.

He found both First Lieutenant Yoon and Doctor Kang stocking up the cabinets in the Medi-Cube. They were talking about Myung Ju’s trip to the village to treat the remaining kids. It looked like Mo Yeon was ready to leave but halted when she saw Gwang Nam coming to them.

“Power of unity” Gwang Nam saluted Myung Ju and she nodded at him. 

“Did you need something?” Doctor Kang asked.

“Uh yes, I was curious about something” Gwang Nam started, turning to Mo Yeon. Mo Yeon raised an eyebrow, she knew he was with Yoo Ji and was bugging her about the Kim Hoon Jae case. She stared at his face and tried to see if he had any ill intentions, she knows Yoo Ji won’t ever tell him about what happened when she was on that case, but that doesn’t mean Mo Yeon won’t tell him the basics. He needs to stop bringing it up and just accept it.

“Yoo Ji was involved in the serial killer case of Kim Hoon Jae, she won’t let me ask about it” he continued looking uncomfortable, “I wanted to know if it had affected her in any way”.

“Mun Yoo Ji was involved in that case?” Myung Ju’s surprised tone told Mo Yeon that she didn't know any of this either.

“It was a very complicated case, he was on the loose and had killed so many girls and the detectives had no idea how to find him, his killings were irregular, he didn't have a pattern or a connection to his victims” Mo Yeon started leaning against the shelf lightly. 

“But he was found because of his medical records, right? I heard about it on the news, it was very impressive” Myung Ju commented. 

“It was Yoo Ji that was able to tip the police of his location, she looked up his medical records and his file from the police department, she was able to find the exact bar he hung out at because he had Hodgkin's lymphoma-” Mo Yeon was cut off by Gwang Nam.

“And the bar he hung out at was the only one in the area that had two separate bars with virgin drinks, yeah, I know that part but was she ever involved in the arrest or came in contact with him?” Gwang Nam asked but Mo Yeon knew that he would come to realize that Yoo Ji is psychologically hurt from that case.

“I only know some of what happened, not everything but yes, she was involved in the arrest,” she answered.

“Wait, didn't Kim Hoon Jae break out of prison and kidnap someone” Myung Ju’s eyes widened as she started putting the pieces together. 

“Yoo Ji’s connection to the major media channels was able to leave her name out of the news, but yeah, she was the one that was kidnapped by him. He had her for two weeks, he psychologically and physically abused her,” Mo Yeon told them. Gwang Nam held his breath, he didn't know it was this serious.

“Her need for information is just something that helps ease her anxiety, because when she was with him, he seemed to know everything about her life, like he was there when it happened, and that broke her. Yoo Ji is not the kind to feel helpless often and this one really did a number” Mo Yeon informed them of the severity. Myung Ju and Gwang Nam made eye contact. With Gwang Nam’s line of work, he may never be able to tell her the entire truth. 

“But this need for information is destroying her from the inside out, it’s not healthy and she often has insomnia because her brain is going haywire with so much information, and the nightmares,” Mo Yeon told them. 

“I feel like a jerk now because of what I said” Myung Ju sighed. 

“You can’t take it back, Yoo Ji will know that I told you and will get pissed off” Mo Yeon informed her.

“She doesn’t want people to know because if they do they might change how they act around her, she doesn’t want to be tiptoed around or get any pity” Mo Yeon explained Yoo Ji’s thought process.

“She’ll know I told you tonight, and she’ll be pissed off. Don’t let it put you off though, it’s her way of testing you” Mo Yeon told Gwang Nam, she picked up her stuff and bid them good night. Gwang Nam sighed and leaned against the wall. Just as he thought things were getting easier.

“Regretting asking about it?” Myung Ju asked him.

“No, but I thought she was messing with me, I didn't think it was something this serious” his tired and defeated voice responded. 

“You should’ve known from the moment she kicked the crap out of the thugs at the hospital; she’s not normal, none of us are” Myung Ju finished off, and smiled at him sympathetically, she told him good night and left him alone.

------------------------------------------------------------------

-The Next Morning-

Dae Young and Myung Ju went to the village but they found it completely deserted, so they came back, Mo Yeon and Shi Jin were having a moment *the hair tying* and then the packages from Korea came. At this point in their morning/afternoon, Yoo Ji woke up with a hangover and drank coffee, and moved on with her day, a hangover was not stopping her from doing her usual routine. 

She heard the packages had arrived so she went to see if she got anything, she noticed a box with lots of hearts and the names of the Captain and his Deputy leader on it and knew that they were in deep shit. So she hung out near the corner of the room to watch the show.

“Sergeant First Class Seo, there's a package from someone named Shin Ji Young.” Mo Yeon radioed Dae Young, which made Yoo Ji choke on her laugh, Myung Ju should be coming any minute now.

“Where are you now?” his voice was serious yet panicked.

“In the kitchen” Mo Yeon responded. Almost five seconds later, Myung Ju came bursting through the door and grabbed the box from Mo Yeon’s hands.

“Oh! That surprised me.” Mo Yeon squeaked

 “I'm going to have to inspect this real quick.” Myung Ju glared at the box. Myung Ju read the messages written on the box, each sentence growing angrier.

“Does Dae Young have a younger sister?” Mo Yeon asked curiously.

“Dae Young is an only child!”

“That shouldn’t be my fault” Mo Yeon defended. Myung Ju huffed and ripped open the package and got out the envelope, it seemed like there was a picture in there because Mo Yeon got closer to Myung Ju to get a closer look and squinted her eyes.

“Omo, why is Shi Jin here?” Yoo Ji silently laughed, looking at those two jealous fools. 

“The day we met Shi Jin Oppa. We send our memories to you.” Mo Yeon read out loud.

“First Lieutenant Yoon, bring your gun.” Mo Yeon looked murderous, it made Yoo Ji crinkle her eyes more, just to stop herself from making any noise.

“It’s a misunderstanding” Shi Jin and Dae young came barreling in, probably ran all the way here from where they were.

Yoo Ji watched as they tried to explain the package but failed miserably and were digging themselves into bigger holes. Mo Yeon told Shi Jin to follow her leaving Myung Ju and Dae Young alone. As they left Yoo Ji noticed three people behind the wall and she went over and found Woo Geun, Cheol Ho, and Gwang Nam.

“What are you doing?” she murmured, hiding with them

“I was right. It was obvious it was a blind date.” Gwang Nam broke his stare off with Yoo Ji, well it wasn’t really a stare-off, she avoided his gaze.

“You’re talking about the first birthday party of Bravo Team's Sergeant Park's son? They both disappeared right after they gave their presents” Cheol Ho confirmed.

Woo Geun sighed in annoyance and brought out money to pay the bet that he had with Gwang Nam, Yoo Ji smirked, it seemed like Woo Geun was horrible at making winning bets.

“They said that a high school classmate's father had passed away.” Woo Geun scoffed

“It doesn't even make sense that the two of them would have the same classmate.” Gwang Nam told him, they didn't go to school together. Yoo Ji chuckled

“They couldn't even get their story straight with us either.” Cheol Ho smiled. 

“A room full of special forces agents and none of them can lie correctly” Yoo Ji mused, shaking her head. Yoo Ji turned and left them.

“Nurse Choi called Mo Yeon because of an Emergency in the Medi-cube, Yoo Ji made her way there, Sang Hyun and Nurse Ha followed her. Mo Yeon arrived before them.

“The narcotics are gone,” Nurse Choi Min Ji said.

“Who would’ve taken them?” Sang Hyun pondered.

“All the patients are here and nothing else is missing” Nurse Ha stated.

“Not everyone, someone has been missing” Mo Yeon sighed, getting out her radio.

“Has anyone seen Fatima lately?” 

“Come on we need to find Shi Jin” Yoo Ji informed Mo Yeon.

Once they found him, they made their way into town, the bar valentine ran might have information.

“How have you been?” Shi Jin greeted Val, Yoo Ji nodded in acknowledgment at the girl.

“You need something,” Val stated, getting straight to the point.

“Information. A red dress, a 15-year-old girl. She's stealing narcotics.” Shi Jin gave her the basic info. Val shook her head, already refusing his request.

“I keep telling you, we sell everything here except women and information” she reiterated.

“Val please, this is urgent and serious.” Yoo Ji pleaded for her to hear them out.

“You don’t have to, but there must be someone else who could” Shi Jin interrupted.

“Please, she’s only 15 years old,” Shi Jin asked again. Val cleared her throat and looked away, she sighed and rang someone up on her phone.

“Where is the black market for narcotics?”

As soon as they got the location, Yoo Ji paid Val the amount she wanted and they were set on their way. 

“How do we find it?” Mo Yeon asked once they reached the place, there were a bunch of buildings that looked run down and were on the verge of collapsing. They didn't wait long until they heard a girl scream. They ran over to the sound.

“Son of a bitch! were you lying to me this whole time?” Fatima asked angrily.

“No, Fatima you trusted me too much, now follow me before I beat you harder,” the boy said as he held Fatima by her hair.

“Stop! Don’t touch her” Yoo Ji shouted at the boy. 

“Is he a soldier?”  one of the boys asked, Yoo Ji sighed.

“Your uniform is always bringing us trouble” she Sighed as she looked at the boys pulling out their weapons.

“Don’t worry, we have more weapons than him,” the leader, Yoo Ji assumed, said.

“I hope you weren’t looking for us” he continued with a smirk on his face as all three of them put their hands up in surrender.

“More guns? Why are there guns every day? What kind of country is this?” Mo Yeon whined as she felt fear penetrate her, Yoo Ji chuckled.

“It's because you both ran in with no plan,” Shi Jin told her.

“If we came later, she might’ve been hurt more” Mo Yeon refuted. Yoo Ji is still making eye contact with the leader.

“Yes, good job because Fatima will be fine while we get shot at” Shi Jin’s sarcastic voice was lowered but Yoo Ji still heard him. 

“What are they saying?” one of the goons, asked.

“Who cares? Put your gun down if you don't want to die” the leader told the captain.

“What the hell are we going to do now?” Mo Yeon asked.

“Well, it isn't like there isn't a way” Shi Jin said as he evaluated the situation.

“Seven guns. Mun Yoo Ji takes the right side. I'll take the left side.” he joked, Yoo Ji nodded.

“Don't be scared,” he whispered to Mo Yeon. 

“I hope you were serious” Yoo Ji gritted her teeth readying herself to fight with speed she never used to beat the boys with machines that can kill her in twenty seconds.

“Let’s see if you're really made of what you say you are,” Shi Jin said to Yoo Ji with a chuckle.

“Okay, let’s make a deal” Shi Jin moved forward, with his hands still raised in surrender.

“I’ll drop my weapon and you let the girls go”

“What do you mean, you’re gonna drop your weapon and the girls get on their knees now” the boy refuted shaking his gun around. Yoo Ji noticed his loose grip, either from carelessness or from inexperience. Probably only shot it once or twice before today. She surveyed the other boys and found them to be pretty much the same.

“Huh, I thought I could fool him” he paused, “okay, no more jokes when I say now, you run back to the car and wait by the door,” he instructed Mo Yeon. 

“Five minutes should do it,” he evaluated once again.

“You’re overestimating my ability to move fast enough to avoid the guns Captain Yoo, make that 10” Yoo Ji added.

“If five minutes pass and we’re not out, just leave no matter what.” he continued, ignoring Yoo Ji’s comment.

“Oh god, Gwang Nam is going to kill me” Shi Jin glanced at Yoo Ji. 

“I’ll try to spare you by not getting injured,” Yoo Ji told him.

“What is that bastard saying? Shut up and drop your weapon” the leader said moving towards them and putting his hand to stabilize the gun in his other.

“Okay, okay” Shi Jin muttered. 

“I’ll drop it, do you like this spot?” Shi Jin asked with a small smile on his lips.

“I can’t use this gun anyway” Shi Jin continued, the boys can’t understand him still because he was speaking Korean but Yoo Ji understood. He’d had to write a lot of reports.

Yoo Ji realized that he was going to take the leader’s gun and use that instead, so she quickly picked a target and zeroed in on his actions. 

Shi Jin waited until the boy was lowered enough and slid his gun backward and jammed the boy’s hand upwards so he couldn't shoot him. 

“Now!” Mo Yeon sprung in action and so did Fatima. Yoo Ji quickly grabbed the boy’s hand towards one of the other boys so that he wouldn't shoot, and then kicked him in his stomach so he would double over. She quickly was able to get his gun.

“You think I’ll get arrested if I use the gun” Yoo Ji wondered out loud to Shi Jin.

“Yes!” he yelled back. She huffed and threw the gun far away from their reach. Shi Jin was able to grab another boy’s gun and twisted his elbow so he had no control of his hand and shot in the clutter of boys’ direction but didn’t hit anyone specific mostly to scare them and to make them back off. 

Yoo Ji yelped as she heard the gun go off and quickly punch another boy coming at her. She disabled another gun as another smaller boy came at her, the gun in her hand went slamming down on his shoes. He yelled in pain and she looked away and saw Shi Jin do the same.

“Aw man, now you're just stealing my moves,” she called out to him, but she was running out of breath, she breathed hard as a blond boy circled around her, his hands on his gun shaking. 

“Do you even know how to shoot that?” Yoo Ji asked him in English, taunting him. He clicked his safety off but didn't get a chance to press the trigger before Yoo Ji hit his knee cap to the side, breaking it. He fell to his knees and she kneed his nose, he dropped the gun and she kicked it toward the other pile of guns.

She held her breath, noticing a boy sneaking towards the direction Fatima ran to take cover in, her call of warning died in her throat as Shi Jin started shooting towards the boys’ shoes making his fall and stay down. She didn't think he was shot, just knocked out. He started walking backward towards Fatima, who didn't run with Mo Yeon to the car as Yoo Ji assumed. Yoo Ji breathed hard.

“Well this was a work out” she tried to slow down her breathing. She started making her way to them when she saw the boys getting up and starting to shoot again, she rolled her eyes and snuck up behind one of them and elbowed the back of his head, knocking him out. 

“Why don't you guys stay down” she growled. They pointed their guns between her, Shi Jin, and Fatima.

“Shouldn’t Mo Yeon do something to help us?” Yoo Ji shouted at the Captain.

“I told her to leave if we don’t come out” he yelled back as he ran out of bullets and took cover behind the old truck. He tried to reach for another gun but couldn't get it in time. 

“Now what?” Yoo Ji yelled as she kicked another boy away from her and grabbed his gun and pointed at him. Her question went unanswered as she heard a car come screeching towards them, she managed to roll out of the way. She glanced at the car to see it was the military car that they came in and Mo Yeon was driving it now. 

She suddenly backtracked the car almost crushing Shi Jin’s hand,

“Hurry, get in!” she told Shi Jin. Yoo Ji who was on the other side of the car from Shi Jin opened the door and jumped inside the front passenger seat while Shi Jin and Fatima got in the back. As they made their way back, Mo Yeon was grinning.

“Wow, awesome! This is totally exciting!” she said laughing. Yoo Ji looked back towards Shi Jin who looked at her disbelief. Yoo Ji and Shi Jin were heaving, trying to catch their breath from fighting a whole gang.

“I'm still excited! Did you become a soldier for this?” Mo Yeon asked the Captain.

“I fought off the enemy!” she yelled in glee. 

“You mean you ran over the enemy, we fought off the enemy” Yoo Ji responded with amusement in her voice.

“You almost ran me over too!” Shi Jin told her.

“I knew you would avoid it, it was all calculated” Mo Yeon replied with a grin on her face.

“With calculations like that, how did you make it through medical school?” he grunted in the back. Yoo Ji chuckled.

“She could save people but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t put them in hospitals” Yoo Ji replied jokingly, which Mo Yeon fake glared at her. The car started slowing down and came to a stop.

“What’s wrong with this car?” Mo Yeon asked in confusion.

“Why don’t you know? You beat it up too much, this woman now wrecked three cars” he said Yoo Ji laughed as she got out of the car.

“I'll try to get in contact with anyone nearby.” Shi Jin pulled out his walkie talkie.

“Big Boss transmitting. The location is roughly 15 km from the city towards the barracks. The car is down. If there is any soldier within the radius, contact me.” Captain Yoo said. A second later Dae Young’s voice responded.

“Wolf transmitting. Currently on landmine operation in the direction of Phantom Village.”

“What’s the matter? Why do you always get stuck on roads?” Dae Young’s voice cut through with a bit of an edge.

“No kidding” Shi Jin responded while looking at the car engine.

“I’ll send Sergeant Gong” Dae Young sighed. 

“They’re sending Cheol Ho to pick us up,” Shi Jin told the girls. Mo Yeon took Fatima a little farther to scold her while Yoo Ji stayed near the car

They were finally able to make it back to the base and Mo Yeon went to take a shower and Yoo Ji decided that she should do the same, her muscles will start to ache from her vigorous workout. As soon as Yoo Ji got out of the shower the lights went out. She sighed and felt her way back to her room.

-----------------------------------------------

-The Next Morning-

The Alpha team got the news that manager Jin got arrested for identity fraud by the Mohoru Police and then one of the patients told Shi Jin and Dae young that manager Jin has a fistful of diamonds. Shi Jin concluded that he was probably on the run from someone. 

*The Alpha team gets all suited up in all black and goes to save the manager but it's a black op so it’s not officially said that they rescued the man. While they are there Shi Jin faces off with Agus one more time. As he is the one that’s been haunting manager Jin down for the diamonds.* 

They came back with the man and he was put into the Medi-Cube. Shi Jin was interrogating him. When Manager Jin started coughing and calling for a doctor. It turns out he has internal bleeding from the diamonds. 

Yoo Ji sighed as she shook her head trying to shake away the dizziness. Damn it's happening more often now. She felt light-headed and couldn't focus. Gwang Nam came running towards her, he looked so shaken up.

“Doctor Kang and First Lieutenant Yoon” he stated but paused. 

“They’re in OR, what’s wrong?” Yoo Ji said, confused.

“Manager Jin has the M virus” Gwang Nam spilled out finally. Yoo Ji’s chair fell as she suddenly stood up.

“What?!” her voice rang through the room. 

“They are in isolation in the OR” Gwang Nam informed her. Yoo Ji’s dizziness was forgotten as she booked it towards the Medi-Cube, Gwang Nam following her. 

Once she arrived, she found Shi Jin and Dae Young glued to the doors separating the girls from the rest of them. She pushed through the doctors and stood in between the men.

“The U.S. base has a laboratory but I am not sure they will cooperate,” Myung Ju said.

“I'll take care of that,” Shi Jin said as he opened his phone.

“I'll go prepare the transportation,” Dae Young said as he ran out. 

“What’s going on?” Yoo Ji’s voice was strong but her eyes wavered, looking at both her friends.

“Manager Jin seems to have the M Virus, we both got contaminated by blood” Myung Ju responded. 

“We’ll be ok,” Mo Yoeon assured Yoo Ji. 

Yoo Ji started swaying slightly, the rush of adrenaline had left her body and all she felt now was exhaustion, days of not sleeping, and not getting any rest was taking its toll on her. Her swaying got more noticeable and Mo Yeon gasp alerted everyone that's wasn’t aware, as Yoo Ji almost hit the floor. Gwang Nam swooped in and supported Yoo Ji holding onto her waist. Shi Jin looked at Yoo Ji with complete shock. 

“What is wrong with her?” Gwang Nam asked.

“She needs an IV and dextrose solution, she needs rest” Mo Yeon instructed one of the nurses. This wasn’t the first time this happened, but it put everyone on edge, the circumstances were horrible.

“Overexertion and insomnia, she’ll be fine.” Mo Yeon explained, “we’ll be fine” Myung Ju looked at Mo Yeon with concern for Yoo Ji while she was also anxious about their own situation. Gwang Nam settled Yoo Ji on one of the beds.

Captain Yoo and Deputy Leader Seo came back, Gwang Nam saw both of them march to the OR. Gwang Nam peaked at the situation, Dae Young hugged Myung Ju tightly and wouldn’t let go. Gwang Nam figured that she’s probably the one that got it. He looked back at Yoo Ji, she was sleeping peacefully, but once she wakes up, he’ll have to tell her.

[starbuck]

Terror Notes: “Go For Broke”

well… I guess I’m really doing this! Some proper, bullet-pointed notes for each episode of The Terror, starting with ep 1: Go For Broke!

I wrote these out last night (and edited them this morning to make them readable - you’re welcome!) so I hope that y’all enjoy my thoughts and assorted nonsense! I tried to save my comments for points I actually wanted to make because I feel like they bring something to the table but I still ended up writing A Lot lol

I love that Crozier couldn’t even be bothered to be present in welcoming Sir John and Fitzjames onto Terror, making Little and Hodgson do it by themselves. One could argue that he had important captain-y things to be doing at that time or something but I’m not 100% sure that wasn’t the case. 

idk if it’s just the angle, but I paused the episode just as the shot of the officer’s mess is coming in from above and Hodgson’s hands make me so uncomfortable. They look so bone-y and weird. (Just what you came here for, I know. Hand commentary.)

Cannot tell you how uncomfortable it is, after many rewatches, to listen to Fitzjames recounting in a casual, lighthearted manner 1) shooting people 2) people catching fire (and burning to death), and 3) their burning flesh smelling “like roast duck” (so, like something edible) and it’s even more uncomfortable to have the closeup be on Hodgson’s face as he laughs at the ‘roast duck’ comparison.

On a lighter note: I love that Fitzjames felt the need to remind everyone what size cherries are by illustrating it with his fingers. In case they forgot, I guess? As someone who occasionally speaks unnecessarily with my hands, big mood tbh.

I LOVE it when Fitzjames gives Little that affirmative tap on the arm after he compares Fitzjames’s injury to Lord Nelson’s. My friend Eli and I refer to it as The Fitzjames Arm Tap. I would like a Fitzjames Arm Tap, pretty please.

God, Sir John loudly setting his hands on the table to try to dispel the tension from the ‘birdshit island’ debacle as he attempts to change the subject is so funny. I’m gonna stop just pointing out things I find funny soon, I swear, but I just cannot handle this scene.

Between Hodgson looking horrifically embarrassed by Crozier’s outburst at Fitzjames and Little looking nervous when Crozier shoots him a look as Sir John says that there’s no reason to be concerned about the ice, it really does seem that they were having to ‘manage’ him even back in ep 1 when his alcoholism wasn’t completely out of hand.

Personal sidenote about this: My Pop-pop is often rude to workers in stores and restaurants (he doesn’t drink thank goodness but he has Alzheimer’s coming on which has worsened his temper) so I very much understand the feeling of being on-edge that an outburst is going to occur and trying to deal with the fallout when it does. Just going by my own experience, I can imagine Little apologizing to Fitzjames for Crozier’s rudeness as soon as they were out of Crozier’s earshot (not that anything Little could say would heal the deep psychological wound that Crozier created but hey, it’s something).

The way that Sir John brushes aside Dr. MacDonald’s and Crozier’s concerns about moving Young when he’s in such bad shape never fails to upset me but also ~foreshadowing for hauling the ill on boats oooohhh~

I said I was done pointing out random things that amuse me but the speed and agility with which Des Voeux pops out of the hatch and onto the deck after Orren falls into the water is just so funny. I could watch that two second clip on repeat all day. Might gif it so I actually can.

Is this a good time to point out that there’s also a scene in Moby-Dick where someone falls from high up on a mast and drowns? It’s in a chapter all about bad omens experienced by the crew of the Pequod and The Terror definitely has some similar vibes going on with the sun dogs displayed in the establishing shot of Erebus in that scene and David Young, a “warning of things to come,” on his way over.

The second(?) time I watched the part where Young tells Stanley that he didn’t think anything of getting headaches since he’s always gotten them, I had this thought pass through my head that was like “oh god, I had chronic migraines for years so I’d never have known if I had lead poisoning either!” but then I realized that this probably was not a relevant concern I should have.

Not sure I have any deep commentary on this but as Gore informs Sir John and Fitzjames about the blocked propeller, he’s standing in the same spot, in the same room as Goodsir will stand next episode to tell them about his death.

Also regarding this scene, I love how Gore waits for Fitzjames to give him the go-ahead to leave before actually going. I know that Fitzjames is his superior officer too but, since Sir John already dismissed him, it seems like waiting for Fitzjames’s approval isn’t really necessary, yet a nice thing to do. Perhaps this is a legitimate formality, but something similar happens later in this episode in the command meeting when Crozier asks Gore how many sun dogs he’s seen; he looks to Fitzjames and waits for his nod before answering Crozier. He doesn’t look to Sir John, he looks to Fitzjames. I know that we know essentially nothing about Gore but like.. underrated ship???? Just saying…

Ten nights ago, I was unable to get to sleep for at least an hour because I started thinking about David Young’s saying “I want to go to my grave as I am” and, of course, that ultimately doesn’t happen for him but also, this, like all things about him, is a “warning of things to come.” I’m pretty sure that no one else was properly buried until, arguably, Fitzjames and ironically, that was explicitly not what he wanted done with his body (and, since his grave was later looted by Hickey, similar to the way that Young’s autopsy ultimately achieved nothing, it didn’t really matter anyway).

I know that this happened exactly ten days ago because I forced myself to wake up and write it down in my notes app, lest I forget, which only prolonged my sleeplessness. I suffer for my analysis. 

Ah yesssss Tozer’s lesbian haircut. We love it! Why does my hair not look like that when I take a hat off? I’d like to file a complaint.

Was just thinking the other day about how Hartnell being the one to notice that there was something up with the ice in ep 1 is followed up on with Blanky complimenting Hartnell’s ability to read the ice to Crozier in ep 7. I wonder if Blanky ever gave him like. ice-reading lessons after becoming aware of his interest and natural talent at it in ep 1? That makes me happy to think about.

The two people who we’re shown awoken by Young’s screaming are Sgt. Bryant and Morfin and like. Do I even have to explain why that’s an Oof?

The way that Goodsir hesitates before knocking on Stanley’s door and Stanley irritatedly closing his book before answering the knock in an exasperated voice would be comedic in any other context. If I’m being honest, it still makes me laugh. As does Stanley’s “As if that weren’t plain.”

I’ve pointed this out before but mmmmm... that shot of Stanley in profile with the open candle flame in the background… the foreshadowing in this ep is thicker than the smoke at… Oh alright, I’ll stop. 

God, the autopsy/dive scene…. Collins being lowered down and entering the water paralleled with Goodsir’s initial cutting into Young’s corpse, the breaking up of the ice paralleled with the cutting of the bone-saw. But most significant to me is the parallel of what is seen/not seen and the long-term effect that this has. Collins sees Orren’s corpse (and then presumably never tells anyone about it), reinforcing his guilt over Orren’s death, the beginning of his mental health decline. Goodsir doesn’t see the cause of Young’s death in his autopsy and this not knowing about the lead poisoning until it’s too late to do anything about it is the cause of many of Goodsir’s later problems as well. And, to finish it all off, both the autopsy and Collins’ dive were ultimately for nothing (considering a spinning propeller is useless when your ships are frozen in). 

Crozier and Blanky’s simultaneous face journeys as Sir John rambles on about how there’s nothing to worry about and they’ll find the passage any day now are truly legendary.

I wrote some pretty extensive tags on this already but man… Crozier’s comment about how not all of Sir John’s men returned from one of his previous arctic expeditions is just so nasty and awful. Like, yes, Sir John is wrong to undersell the danger they’re in and Crozier is advocating for the correct position here, but that was completely uncalled for and horrible to say, particularly in a command meeting, in front of so many people. And Sir John looks legitimately upset by it too. He gets over it quickly, at least on the outside, but I still feel really bad for him (and I NEVER feel bad for Sir John so this is weird for me).

“But of course we will not be abandoning Erebus, or Terror…” Let’s check back in six episodes and see how that’s going! 

Crozier slamming his fist on the table to prove he’s not being melodramatic reminds me of this one post (that I sadly can’t find rn) about Jesus Christ Superstar that’s like “‘CUT OUT THE DRAMATICS’ Judas hollered dramatically.” It’s such an Overall Mood.

I don’t have a developed commentary on this at the moment but it’s an interesting reverse-parallel that Sir John had no concern for Young’s well-being when he was alive, ignoring Crozier’s concerns about moving him from ship-to-ship when he was in such poor health, yet now that he’s dead, Sir John is the one to recommend that Young be buried which Crozier is surprised by, and seems to feel is unnecessary.

There’s been so much amazing commentary already made about Young’s burial scene so I’ll skip it except to say that Hickey’s irritated sigh when he hears footsteps coming towards the grave is SO funny. That’s exactly how I feel when I know that someone is about to tell me something that will annoy me.

Goodsir was really getting into the emotion of Sir John’s “eulogy”/motivational speech before he remembered the promise he made about Young’s ring. Also, what triggered his memory was Sir John saying “We shall earn our loved one’s cheers and embraces,” so no doubt a reminder of the traumatic “Your loved ones will be there in Heaven to welcome you! :)” “I never knew my mother or father” exchange (or maybe just a reminder of the fact that he was supposed to get Young’s ring to his sister but just let me scrape a little humor out of this. God knows I need it).

The shot of Bryant praying in his hammock the night before they get completely frozen-in is honestly deeply upsetting to me. Especially considering he’s a marine so he Did Not Ask To Be Here, yet there he’ll die.

According to Melville, ship’s compasses occasionally spun round-and-round when a ship was caught in a severe storm and this was an incredibly upsetting thing to behold because of how disorienting it was. So, considering that, Fitzjames keeps his composure pretty well but he clearly has some reservations about how things are going and Sir John has no comforting-sounding remark about ‘Magnetic North’ to offer him now.

The bit where Sir John “sees” Crozier, on Terror, turn away from him with a half-smirk on his face is interesting because there’s no way he could have possibly seen Crozier’s expression at that distance and I’m doubtful that he’d even have been able to make out the identity of anyone he might have been able to see on Terror’s deck. So really, it speaks mostly to Sir John’s mental state; his seeing their getting frozen in as a loss against Crozier and imagining that Crozier would see it as a victory for himself.

Ugh the final shot is making me think about @catilinas’s post comparing a shot of the two ships stuck in to the shot of the ink drops from ep 3 and I am LOSING IT but I was losing it anyway because it’s 2AM now and my entire body feels like gelatin. 

THANK YOU AND GOODNIGHT! 

SEE YOU NEXT TIME!

[flydotnet]

Bad Things Happen Bingo! The event where you send me requests according to this marvelous card! (Red cross is the completed prompt, character headshots are prompts I’ve already filled. I don’t have any request left, so feel free to send in suggestions for this card!).

SPOILERS FOR KAZETSUYO EPISODE 20 FROM THIS POINT FORWARD. YOU’VE BEEN WARNED.

I'm not strong. I just do what needs to be done, no matter what.

I thought I was “teehee clever” when choosing to write about a canon example of Working Through the Cold (aka one of my favorite tropes ever), but all I remembered is how powerful and painful (in the best way) the 20th episode of KazeTsuyo was. Holy shit. I hesitated for a long time writing about KazeTsuyo, actually. This show, to me, as such excellent writing I could never match up against it. In the end, the plot bunny wouldn't leave after I went through The Episode:tm: for the 2nd time on my 2021 rewatch of the series, to the point I wrote this before finishing said rewatch (still have Day 2 of Hakone to rewatch - I need to get to it); so I decided "fuck it, I'm writing it", and there were are. I think I at least didn't butcher the series. It may be, huh... wack because I've been on a 2nd person POV with weird dialogue format knack lately, but I hope fellow KazeTsuyo fans who're in search/need for more content are gonna be happy with me barging into this fandom like a torpedo.

Also, man do I love Shindo (please excuse me spelling it that way: if I spell it "Shindou" like the canonical tag does, I'll be mistaken with another character, I'm dumb like that). Imean, I knew the moment I first saw him he'd at least be my favorite design, but then he just hit all my fav character soft spots: hardworking, selfless to a fault, kind, internally struggling... and I guess, yeah, episode 20 was a thing and I'm a freak. I originally planned on writing this to be a softer fic, like y'know, just writing a casual Aotake day with the prompt in mind; but I just had to be a terrible person instead. Sorry Shindo, I swear I love you.

(also, does anyone have a kazetsuyo discord server i could join because i need to scream about this show)

-------

They’re Waiting

Summary: No matter what happens, you will fulfill the promises you've made; even if you break in the process.

Fandom: Kaze ga Tsuyoku Fuiteiru/Run With the Wind

Wordcount: 2K words

Event hosted by @badthingshappenbingo​

AO3 version available here.

---------

The moment you woke up this morning, on the very second a hacking coughing fit erupted from your throat, you knew how difficult today was going to be – but it didn’t make waver in your resolve. If anything, it made you conscious of how far you’d be willing to go despite things getting in your way, as long as you felt a sense of duty towards them.

 No matter what.

 Yuki tries to convince you not to do that. He may have escorted you out of your room when he realized you wouldn’t be walking straight for a little while and brought you to the train station, he’s still scowling at you like you’re a child doing something he shouldn’t (which, truth be told, you are doing right now: usually, you’d be wise enough to know attempting what you’re about to head into would be a terrible idea for a multitude of factors); but you’re firm in your decision and accept a bottle of juice as you end a call with Musa.

 No matter what, you’ll do it.

 Despite how much he doesn’t want you to run, Yuki accompanies you to the Odohara Relay Station. You don’t speak a single word to each other on the ride there, with him crossing his arms and you reading your sister’s excited messages about this year’s family reunion. It’s rare so many people can gather, so they’ve clearly made an effort for you. To watch you run.

Once you’re there, you vaguely hear people around you, hear Yuki argue on the phone about something – you think you can catch it being about Jota and Joji, something about being agitated, something about Hanako – but you’re too tired to catch it. It’ll be a struggle to do this race, so if you can spare yourself the expense of energy you’d need… then you’ve got to, as sad as that is. They’re all counting on you, after all.

 No matter what, you can’t let anyone down now that the big day is here.

 Haiji calls Yuki’s phone, which he then hands down to you. Your conversation is short – he notices how noisy the relay station is (you know people are walking around, discussing what’s, tells you his concern, reminds you that you can drop out if you feel too weak to participate, and lastly, urges you to hydrate well.

When Yuki asks you what he says, you skip over most of it, merely repeating the last part as he looks at you, features twisted in worry, and the feeling in your chest keeps deepening despite it having to compete with whatever you woke up with (a cold, you’d assume, hopefully wishing it’s nothing threatening).

 You can’t find something to reply to your sister telling you to get first place on Section Five.

 You know your turn is coming, so you rise to your feet, to take off the coat on your shoulders and the scarf tied around your neck, handing them off to Yuki. The last thing you take off is your mask, before you’re assaulted with a wave of dizziness and almost collapse back to the ground. Luckily, Yuki is here to catch you back before that can happen, a grunt escaping his lips as he grabs you by the arm; all that, once again, happens in a tense silence.

Saikyo, Tokyo Sport – they’re starting to call people whose ranks are around Joji’s. You’re up soon.

 “I’d better go,” you struggle to tell him as calls are made around the both of you.

“But it’s Section 5,” Yuki tries to argue. “Actually, no matter what section—”

Kansei, Kikui! Get ready! They’re coming at the same time!

“It’s okay,” you reply back, putting on your best smile. “I’ll promise I’ll make it there.”

 Yuki doesn’t walk to the line with you, staying behind after giving up on keeping you out of the run. He himself knows you can’t drop out now – if you do, you’re forcing the entire team to forfeit. You’d be making everyone’s efforts to get to this point null, including your own, and that’s something you can’t let happen.

Even if you can barely keep your balance and inhaling the cold, dry air of early January is making your airways burn, you’re going to run Section Five and keep your promise to Yuki, to your family, to everyone around you.

 No matter what.

 -------------------

 You got the sash from a very shocked-looking Joji, but ignored much of what you thought about it so you could put it on and go on with your section. The cold winds have the benefit of being soothing against your fevered skin, bringing a welcome sense of relief, as little as it is compared to everything else you’re already fighting against.

The dizziness messing with your balance, the coughing fits seizing your chest and throat, the lethargy in your limbs, the haze in your vision – they’re not leaving anytime soon. You need all of these to run properly, but none of them will cooperate, so you’ll need to force them to. It’s tiring, it’s painful, but it’s what needs to be done.

 You watch everyone around you run past you, effortlessly dodging if they were behind you, as people cheer on and people in cars say things over the speakers attached to them. You can barely make sense of the cacophony rattling through your aching head, of everyone around, and it’s putting one more weight on your shoulders: you don’t even get to profit from the landscapes or people’s encouragements, stuck in a bubble which muffles every sound as if you were drowning.

In a sense, you have such a difficult time breathing in and out that you may as well be underwater. That’d explain the struggle of your limbs against an air resistance that just doesn’t exist.

 Before you is an insurmountable mountain that keeps getting higher and higher – Hakone’s mountains are the steepest in the world suddenly takes on a different meaning – and you wish once more you weren’t plagued by sickness. You’d have a lot of fun running up it, showing everyone back home how living in the valley made you fit for the legendary Section Five; but instead, you’re struggling to even alternate between left foot and right foot, as if walking had become a chore.

Oh, that’s right, no matter how isolating or soundproof the bubble is, everyone’s watching you, be it from the sides of the Hakone Ekiden or from back home – don’t forget about them. They’re all counting on you. No matter what, you can’t let them down, can’t let them see the team fail to see the sun rise again on their journey.

 Someone’s close enough for you to understand what they’re saying without having to focus on it – they’re giving you a drink. Haiji told you to hydrate, especially since there’s a powerful fever sticking to your skin and poisoning your nerves, so you accept it in an attempt to quench the undefeatable thirst of illness.

You burst the bubble for a minute to get that bottle of water and take a couple precious sips – a drop of relief in your sea of anguish.

 Breathing in and out requires more and more effort with each passing step, but the strength of your promise is what keeps you going. The mere idea of obligating everyone out of the run they’ve all worked so much for – not to mention Haiji, who literally made himself sick over it and painstakingly collected dorm members for four years just for this very moment – disgusts you to the point it pushes your legs forward despite the pain and the cough you have to repress more and more, with less and less effectiveness every time you do.

And that’s when the coach starts speaking to you from the car that’s been tailing you for a while (at least, that’s what you assume; truth be told, all you’re going off of is the constant sound of a motor and wheels).

 Shindo, go is a challenging game. The stronger you are, the more you value the way you lose. How you recognize your loss and resign is key. No one blames the challenger for resigning or mocks him for running away. If anything, they praise him for securing an escape route. It’s because everyone knows that man was fighting to win until the very end.  

You know why he’s saying that. He wants to soften the blow of what it’d mean if you gave up here and there, throwing the race away to preserve yourself from getting worse and worse by the minute, by reminding you not being there running against yourself would be the wisest option. Of course, you’re aware of how reckless you’re acting, but you’re putting your team’s honour and reason to be here before your wellbeing – you know that. You’re assuming that choice.

 Shindo, raise your hand if you can’t keep going. I’ll stop you immediately.

You continue running.

 The coach eventually leaves the car and starts running beside you, which makes you almost realize how slow you are if he can keep up with you with seemingly no difficulty. It’s a little hard to say considering you can barely hear anything and you’re too focused on not collapsing to actually pay attention to anything that isn’t the road in front of you, as blurry as it tends to get.

A coughing fit you’ve been keeping in for what feels like hours prevents you from breathing in, forcing you to stop and cough it all out until you’ve caught your breath. Your legs are trembling and you’re folded in half, sweat falling to the ground.

 “That’s enough,” Coach Tazaki tells you in a paternal tone you’ve never heard him speak in before. “You did well.”

In the corner of your eyes, you can see his hand get closer and closer to your back, fingers ready to tear away your number sign – but you find the strength to get back up, shaky breathing in tow, before he can do so, clutching Kansei’s sash with hands like claws.

Waiting… They’re all waiting for me…

 And, on that, you resume running, resume fighting against yourself by taking the hard way out.

 It’s painful, even more so than earlier, and everything that was sore is now almost unbearably so – yet you keep marching on, keep struggling against illness and heights alike, consciousness slowly starting to fade out. You’re running as if you were in a dream, almost, the landscape around you turning into white, unable to keep a straight line as you almost forget why you were here to begin with, why you’ve been pushing against the world for who knows how long.

It’s the end, you feel it, since the bubble doesn’t prevent you from fully hearing cheers getting louder and louder, so you continue pushing no matter how terrible you’re feeling, no matter how little you can feel aside from your body’s screams for you to stop what you’re doing and putting it through so much misery.

 They’re waiting. They’re waiting for you.

 You see the finish line from far away, but never up close.

 --------------

 When you wake up, all of your teammates present in the room (Haiji, Kakeru, Joji, Yuki – the coach is here too) try to jump to your side, before the coach orders them to leave you some breathing space. One of your first reflexes is to try and grab a mask, which someone gives you (looking up a little, you realize it’s Yuki). They all look relieved, yet a little antsy, and you’re not sure of what to tell them after sleeping for what must have been hours, considering the lights are on – as far as you remember, it was broad daylight when you went to sleep.

Still, seeing them around you reminds you how why you went to such great lengths despite everything – they’re thankful, yet worried, but most of all, you’re all still running.

[valkerymillenia]

Umbrella Academy

season 2, episode 6

I couldn't resist. More live-blogging of this episode.

My poor Allison...

Oh so that's what Handler wants from Five...

Ahah, Luther and Diego pointing out what Reggie did to Vanya and her reaction is awesome.

"no more number 1 or number 2 bullshit" -yes, Diego, baby, you're growing up! Also, him trying to bond with Luther and Vanya on his own accord is so fucking cute...

Klaus doing yoga 😆

Oh, so confirmed that the cult started by accident.

"you're a narcissist"? Ben, you've been watching him closely for 16 years, you know that's not true, you know the narcissism is just a mask, you know Klaus is actually insanely empathetic and compassionate.

Oh, wait, Ben is only saying this crap because he doesn't want Klaus to disband the cult. I get it now, Ben is the one being selfish here.

Oh, so the girl Ben likes is Jill... Boy is smitten.

Ahahah, Ben freaked out by the yoga poses 😆

Jesus, they really don't give Klaus space to breathe.

"my name is Klaus's and I'm an alcoh--- Ah, sorry, that's the wrong meeting" 🤣🤣🤣

Oh God, this is turning into a Spartacus thing... Oh, it's not.

There they go objectifying him and only hearing what they want to hear... These dudes are almost as bad as the ghosts.

Oh so it DID turn into a Spartacus thing!

Klaus tries to do the right and it always blows up in his face, huh?

Ray's priorities though 😆

Ahahah, Allison and Ray pulling a 'Pretty Women' rodeo drive scene 🤣 love it

That's a beautiful dress, Allison 😊

Wait! She's using her powers without the 'rumor' prefix! 😲 Yes!!!!!!

Oh, Allison is losing control... Is this the cost? Getting lost in the power trip? I mean, we already knew but not too this extent.

Lila, your mom is actually protecting you here. Listen to her.

Handler teasing Lila about Diego really is such a mom thing to do.

"I know you fancy yourself a spiritual guru..." - no, Ben, have you not been paying attention? That's literally what Klaus thinks he's NOT but nobody will listen to him. You're right that he needs help though.

Ok, Klaus is right. Ben keeps contradicting himself about what Klaus should do.

"you sound just like Dad" Oh, shit that's a really mean insult in this family 🥺

Holy crap, was that possession?????

That looks severely uncomfortable.

"I think I was inside of you" -.... No, no, too easy, I'm not going to say it. 🤐

DAVE?

Awww, Klaus doesn't even care about the punch.

Dave likes Dune, huh? Good taste.

Oh, the dog tags.... 😭

"it's an honor to die for my country" -no, honey, not like this

Oh shit, timeline changed, timeline changed! Dave is going to wear early. Oh no, oh no, oh no.

The shaking... Poor Klaus... How hasn't he snapped yet?

Swedes in the sauna, of course.

Strategically placed steam 😆

Ah! The Swedes FINALLY talk!

Ouch! Right for the balls. I'm starting to really like Handler.

"unharm my wiener" 🤣🤣🤣 poor boy

Handler, is this your attempt at protecting your daughter from feelings? It's twisted and evil but almost cute.

What the hell does "lavender" mean? Her perfume or something?

Southland Life?

The elevator scene! They really did all come together, I love it when Five is right.

AHAHAHAHAHAH What's with Luther and the stink jokes this season? 🤣🤣🤣🤣

'Daddy's girl' 😆

"team zero" I actually like that Diego keeps harping on the no numbers thing.

"classic" 😆

"hey pop, how's it hanging?" 🤣

"dead, yes, but I'm here! Klaus! Tell them I'm here!" -yes, please, Klaus, it's so cruel that you keep denying him that... 😣

"what are you writing?" Everybody leaning in and Diego getting all nervous. XD they are so conditioned, poor children.

The punch! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

"no, Vanya, don't!!!" Everyone is so scared of her but yet they are still making an effort to include her and that's so important!!

"oops" -that is not the smile of someone that means that oops, Vanya 😆

Reggie's sarcasm 🙄 I can see where half these siblings got their sass now.

Jesus Christ, Reginald is emotionally tearing Diego apart 😭 as much as Diego claims not to care what their father thinks, he cares, he really cares, they all do. I doesn't matter if you know that your parent is abusive, you will always have that visceral pain response of betrayal when they attack you and you will always in some way crave their approval. It's the terrible power imbalance of parental abuse.

There's the stutter! Poor Diego... Don't cry, baby...😭😭😭

Oh shit, Ben!

Reggie is not impressed. I get a feeling that they might have accidentally convinced him to NOT to adopt them...

"you in the cullotes" 😆 Reggie immediately tagged who the leader is

"I feel so violated" -why are they playing this for laughs?? It's horrible!

"oh, possession is a strong word, I'd like to say 'borrowed you'." -ok, so I get why Ben did that, Klaus pushed him too far and he got desperate. But please, PLEASE tell me Ben understands the seriousness of what he did and doesn't start abusing this ability without Klaus's consent.

ok, a serious thought now: no wonder Klaus did drugs, it was the only thing he could control in his life, the only way he had to take some control back, and this possession thing now only makes that more obvious. He has no control over his body if someone decided to take it, no control over the powers that make him see the dead everywhere, no control over his family life (the fact that Reginald locked in the mausoleum is just the tip of the iceberg in his lack of power), no control of the circumstances that killed the love of his life, no control over the masses that objectify him no matter how much he tries to tell them he isn't their savior and to leave him alone, he just has no control and nobody seems to get that, that's why him falling off the wagon is so serious and should be addressed by the family. Klaus deserves a family that cares about his suffering!!!

Congratulations to Luther for standing up to dad for the first time but Vanya is the only one with her priorities straight and goes straight to comforting Diego. And Diego immediately goes back to his passive-aggressive defense system...

I need more Diego-Vanya bonding in my life.

Poor Klaus... At least hold him properly, Luther.

I get a feeling this Grace is going to end up dying and I really don't want that to happen...

"technically I'm older than you right now" -no, Five, your not, you have no idea how old Reginald really is, he arrived in the US a full grown adult in the beginning of the century, he's inhumanly old (I never understood how he suddenly looked old in 89 when he adopted them considering that in 63 he looks almost as he did when he first arrived in the US so those decades before).

Ah, so that's what the ancient Greek was.

Reggie actually dishing out some wisdom and doing so patiently... Who is this?!

Don't you dare apologize, Five! You have nothing to apologize for!

Geez, Reggie and Five acting like they could be friends in different circumstances is actually surprisingly creepy. It also speaks to how fucked up even Five is about Reggie's abuse, even at almost 60 he's still clinging to the idea that maybe Reginald knows everything and has all the answers, he's still hoping that their suffering was for a reason and that Reginald might be proud of him. It's sad.

A cat? Are Swedes... Yes, the Swedes are in Elliot's house. Please don't let Elliot die, I like the poor weirdo.

The Swedes were more interesting when they didn't talk. (Still want to know what the glittery stuff they were drinking is).

"they do not abide women like us around here" -there or anywhere else, Sissy, it's 1963, homosexuality is literally illegal and considered a mental illness

Sissy actually makes a very good point.

Ok, this conversation is already veering their relationship into much healthier territory! Good. But now I'm scared for Sissy...

Damn, I hadn't even finished typing that last sentence and my fears were already proven right. Fucking Carl saw them.

Oh please, let Elliot be alive...

Noooooooooooo!

Damn it, I liked Elliot. He was so good to this family... 😩😠😢

"öga för öga"? Seeing as Elliot has something stuck in his eye, I'm going to guess that means 'eye for an eye' or something?

Ok, I googled it, yes, it's 'eye for an eye'.

I LOVE THIS HANDLER DRESS! 🤩

1982, huh? I'm guessing where about to see badass Five? I hope so.

[bd-handystand]

Callout Response

(Contains reference to many triggering items including mentions of pedophilia, transphobia, homestuck, racism. I am simply trying to make amends and clear up miscommunications. If you are okay with continuing....)

I am going to go through all the things mentioned in the call out and give my defenses, apologies or other statements on the regards to these. I am sorry if my wording is very poor here, as I started this at 1 am and worked on it across a few days with review from friends. I had asked for someone to also get me a list of my offenses from someone I know is a part of the callout but they didn’t get back to me with it so I may have missed things.

"Aging up a Minor for NSFW Content" and "Transphobia"

I can understand how me making NSFW content of a character build off of/inspired by a minor would make people extremely uncomfortable. When this was brought to my attention, I deleted the art in question on my main. I have no interest or intent on making further lewd art using Oe/Oeya, or any lewd art at all for that matter. (Should merevent return, I will likely create a new event muse entirely). After having it brought further to my attention, I feel nothing but regret for making it at all. I had thought that establishing him as much more different than his inspiration and making his age clear would keep this from being a problem but it appears that I was mistaken.

The transphobia I can also understand how people could see it, as I was toying with their shape shift ability in one of my first attempts at NSFW art. I deeply apologize if this experimentation made anyone reading this uncomfortable: know that it will never happen again. I am not transphobic.

To whoever in the ring of callout anons is distributing one or both of the deleted pieces of art, please stop.

"Homestuck Crimes"

I acknowledge that Homestuck has problematic elements. I understand that to some or even many that the negative outweighs the positive aspect. Homestuck also has a lot of creative elements that I like exploring. I properly tag Homestuck and those of the Homestuck AU I used for Bethesjo with "-character name- (HS)", to try and make it easy to avoid. If I mistag, I am open to people telling me so I may add the desired tags.

To repeat: I do not support many of the views expressed in Homestuck, but find some of the positive core aspects enjoyable, inspiring, or simply fun to mess with. It is something I enjoy, even with its problematic points and I apologize for making continual use of it for inspiration and ideas.

"Racism in making bestial / feral event versions of a PoC muse"

I, again, am very sorry for this. I tend to go wild with ideas for these events and create things without thinking of major implications.

When I made CnC Okuyasu an orc, I simply felt that it clicked. I always enjoyed Orcs aesthetically! The uncontrolled magic played into a favorite fantasy trope of mine, so I decided to use that too. When I created Oe, I, in all honesty, was just trying very hard to avoid drawing fish in any capacity or arms and had recently watched Moana. (Once again, I will likely create a new muse should merevent return for round 3) Magical Girl event Okuyasu was inspired by the combination of Tokyo Mew Mew and part of Magical Girl Apocalypse (that too having problematic things but I could not overlook them in their quantity, causing me to drop interest in the manga itself but not its concept). The Okuyasu embedded with the flesh bud (Okuyasu (Dio) in my tagging) was spawned by an art meme, but I grew to enjoy the idea. His minimal time shown due to lack of asks for him also paint him in a low point that does not reflect their state most of the time. When I created Nijimi, I wanted to play off the idea of deities being shaped by the human idea of them, using Okuyasu's money imagery to create a deity of charity turned into a beast of greed. (Should the deity event return, I will try and create a new muse for it: not only in light of this, but because I am unsure what else I can do with them and Nicho.) WoF Okuyasu was born from my interest in Mr. Nijimura's condition in context of undeath, wanting to do something similar with WoF Okuyasu while also playing with other tropes. The former Stand Infection event Okuyasu, now dubbed Ghost in the Machine, was meant to be a play in the unpredictable nature not only of glitches but someone hyped on caffeine. He also was the result of working with dio-theshitpost-brando and I was pulling too from their concepts. The new Stand Infection Okuyasu being identified with a number as shown in a few art memes was inspired by the SCP Foundation, not the holocaust or anything of the like. I know no one mentioned this in any call out material but I know that it would likely be used out of context too should I avoid acknowledging it.

As I hopefully go further into the future, I will try and think more of the implications of this, under all of the AUs, is a PoC minor. Again, I am sorry for causing any offense.

"The Cow Incident"

I will say that I should have been more firm but I will say that I view the general idea of adding horns, ears, and tail does not inherently make something negative, mostly the context or the content being made with this concept. The blogs, from my understanding, made multiple references to the act of milking, which then makes it awkward and uncomfortable. Making a direct comparison between PoC and cattle is also bad. Doing it simply for a cute design or without ill intent, in my eyes, is okay. I'm sorry if my stance still remains unclear or poorly worded or if you disagree.

"Comment Deletion and ignoring asks"

For those commenting on my YouTube channel, I did not do so because I was afraid or being overly defensive. I had stated my stances, apologies and regrets in other replies and felt like I was not being listened to and hounded. I deleted these comments and asks for the sake of my mental health, as I had fallen into a depressive episode at the large wave of angry anons.

Comments and asks deleted in the beginning of the cow incident were deleted to keep the discourse off The Hand blog and to minimize further asks on the matter, as it was 2 am at the time and I was getting very stressed over it.

“Headcanoning a Minor as Ace”

The funny thing is, I don’t headcanon Okuyasu as ace. As for saying that having headcanons of this nature is sexualizing minors I will say this: it depends on the age. Headcanon, say, a 6 year old as bi or gay or what have you seems a bit off but the teenage years are often when one discovers the labels for themselves and grows to be comfortable with them. Understanding your orientation is not inherently about someone having sex, but understanding what you as an individual find attractive in one way shape or form. I, myself, am ace. I used Okuyasu as my icon on my main for a long while now. I put Okuyasu with the ace flag for my main blog’s profile pic because I am proud to be ace and Okuyasu is who I associate with. Not to turn the gun, but the suggestion that headcanoning a character as ace is seen as worse than any other orientational headcanon is rather aphobic.

I am trying to improve myself every day. I want my blogs to be nice places, not just for me, but for the visitors. I had no ill intent when doing anything, but I also was unaware of the severity of the implications of my work. I am open to criticism and reminders to tag or rework things, but please be mindful that I’m only human and prone to human error and lapses in judgement. I also can try my damndest to fix what wrongs I have done.

I am going to let this circulate for a few days and then hopefully I can turn on anon once again without large waves of anger. I am sorry and I hope WE won’t have to do this again. - Z

[hollenka99]

The Hero

Summary: Jackie was made to be the hero. He's proud to fulfill that role. Then one fight goes wrong and it takes everything from him.

Warnings: Torture, gore, implied mouth gore, starvation, dehydration, aftermath of torture, aftermath of violence, dehumanisation, poisoning. If there’s anything else I’m overlooking or accidentally didn’t include, please tell me.

@egopocalypse you said you wanted to be tagged in this so here it is.

Jackie isn't sure how he ended up standing on an unfamiliar doorstep. He knows he was trying to find his way to a red room a few minutes ago. And wasn't he attacked by an intruder at one point? Wait, no, there was a woman getting her leg mauled by a dog too. He decides it's best to ask the occupants of this house if they could help him. Directions to the nearest danger that required his intervention would be great also. The one who answers the door is a man that suspiciously looks a lot like himself, albeit older.

"Hi, I'm Jackieboy Man. Need any help?"

His cheeriest smile and inviting hand don't change the man's reaction to him. Instead, the confusion only grows on the homeowner's features. Jackie is told he isn't what the guy had expected. That doesn't sting in the slightest. At least he'd been expected.

Upon being ushered inside, the man introduces himself as Jack. He offers him a can of Dr Pepper and a plate containing several custard cremes that 'honestly need to be finished already because they are going soft and he would've probably had them for breakfast tomorrow for the sake of it'. Jack takes the time to explain the situation. They were technically characters and there was a man called Sean who had given them life. Jackie was already vaguely aware of all this.

While Jack wasn't entirely sure it was true, he was beginning to believe the previously inexplicable changes the house had made earlier that day were in fact it adapting to Jackie's imminent arrival. That was cool. So was the entire room that belonged purely to him. There wasn't much yet, only the bed and wardrobe, but soon enough he would make it his own.

He hasn't been alive for 24 hours when he is introduced to Sean. The older identical duo discuss superheroes like Batman and Spider-Man with him. Despite what he'd expected his creator to be like, he doesn't mind the guy. Possibly because he hasn't had the chance to know them properly, the two men don't seem to be too different from each other. An off-hand comment to Jack regarding this causes him to laugh. Jackie can't say he appreciates the weird vibes it gives off.

The other two speak privately in another room about editing videos, not far enough that their voices can't travel through walls. They discuss giving the teen an education as well as somebody called Angus. He doesn't like the way they talk about this stranger. Just who was this Angus? He can only assume he is a villain Sean is designing to be Jackie's rival.

On the night Jackie is due to be introduced to what Jack claims to be 'the greatest pizza topping ever', he gets his answer. Angus was certainly no villain. The guy who stumbles with his arm around his friend's shoulders takes the young hero by surprise.

Everything about him radiates a man who had only woken minutes earlier. Once he gets to know Angus better, this doesn't seem as unusual. The Australian hunter sounds displeased while mumbling about someone called Jake disturbing him for the sake of pizza. It takes Jackie a shamefully long minute to realise there was no Jake, only Jack.

For the majority of the evening, Jack's attention is focused on his best friend. They chat and attempt to share inside jokes that mostly fall flat. While they do include him occasionally, Jackie is simply left to observe the strained relationship. He's been alive for less than a week but he can tell it should not be this uncomfortable to see two friends interacting. It isn't right for the so-called 'wildlife expert' to need Jack to complete his stories either.

When Angus returns to his bedroom, Jackie offers to help with the dishes. He convinces himself that's what a true hero would do, help around the house. He cautiously questions whether Jack is okay. The answer worries him somewhat.

"It's fine. He just happened to have a bad day. I'm sure you'll get to see him when he's not so forgetful."

There is something about the way Jack smiles after that answer that makes Jackie ill at ease. It's different from the way the young hero does. Jackie was all wide and beaming, the sort that made your cheeks ache if you maintained it for too long. The one Jack was providing him, on the other hand, had barely an ounce of life in it. Even in the past few days since they'd met, Jackie had witnessed the eye-crinkling grin he was sure had to be Jack's natural smile.

The boy chooses to forget about it. It was probably something that should be properly addressed at some point but, for now, it was best to leave it. Jack decides otherwise.

He explains how it has been two years since Angus began declining. He's tried everything he could think of to help. He's watched all 10 videos of the series countless times, sometimes playing them on multiple tabs to increase efficiency. Once he realised it didn't count unless he was in Sean's world, he transferred the method to a new location.

Jackie questions whether he will end up lethargic and forgetful as well. The adamance, almost anger at the mere idea, that no, of course he won't is shockingly swift. Jack insists he isn't saying this for the sake of scaremongering or choosing sides. This was about providing him with an informed opinion. He deserves to know, his friend reasons.

The following weeks pass with little incidence. He and Jack marathon all 12 Marvel DVDs they own. Having misunderstood his friend, Jackie trains all night which leads to him dozing off as Tony Stark celebrates his birthday in the sequel. He is also introduced to Batman. He's more interested in Marvel but Jack is trying to give him something to relate to. He humours him in appreciation. Plus, it leads to a competition to see who could make their voice go the lowest. He can't fault him on that.

During the day, he is either seen increasing his agility and reflexes or in front of a computer, determined to fight back against hackers. Jack tries to dissuade him from his morally questionable hobby. Jackie only argues it is part of his job. Part of him wishes the older ego would leave him be. If he could stop meeting him in the hallway a second after he walks in from evening patrol, that'd be nice too. He's not been hurt so there's no need to worry so much.

The Gregory Brothers, what he first mistakenly hears as 'Gregory's brother', write a song for the channel. It takes quotes from various videos, predominantly Happy Wheels with some Papers, Please thrown in. Quite clever when Jackie thinks about it. Annoyingly catchy too. The best part is watching Jack become nostalgic when he recalls recording the episode featured in the second verse. Jackie chooses to tease him about the Mother Ape Ass line. Jack takes in good humour. Nevertheless, Happy Wheels is a good series to sink his teeth into, especially seeing as it was currently three videos shy of hitting triple digits.

Jack the Magnificent's entrance into their lives introduces magic with it. He has the genius idea of referring to the new guy as Magnificent to avoid confusion. It is quickly made redundant when Jack names him Marvin. Whatever the new ego's name is, Jackie has to admit it's nice to have someone else around. As much as he likes Jack, having only three people to talk to was wearing on him. The majority of the time it was only one option anyway.

Never mind Marvin being a new person to talk to. Even more exciting was his magic. With one simple click, he could conjure a flame in his hands. They are mesmerising. Jackie forgets himself at one point, reaching to touch the fire before its abrupt extinction snaps him out of it. He begs to know how he does it. This leads to the magician letting him hang around in his room with half-hearted reluctance while he taught himself spells.

Jack has an argument with Sean. Jackie doesn't understand what it's about, other than it appears to be super petty. He doesn't understand why Jack won't distance himself from Sean. He's seems so fed up after an argument and Jackie can't do anything. Not once does Jack forget to check he's okay with being vented to. Jackie never says no. How could he? Jack's his friend and it's not like he's got anyone else who is vaguely aware of the situation. Except maybe Angus. Then again, it might be more cathartic for Jack to rant to someone he can see is listening. Jackie's sure Jack isn't close enough to Marvin to confide in him as well. So even when he's tired, even when he would rather switch his mind off for an hour, Jackie says yes. As the weeks progress, the young hero convinces himself taking a very long hour for himself couldn't hurt.

Marvin tests his card tricks on him too. No matter how much he tries, the magician can never get it exactly right. There is always something he gets wrong, whether it be the suit or number. Taking a leaf out of Jack's book, he encourages him to keep trying. Card tricks didn't have to be his strong point. He didn't have to give it up entirely either.

When Marvin's patience wears thin from the failed attempts, he sneakily introduces Jackie to a card game. When Jack catches them playing, he's too honest for his own good. The head of the household disapproves immediately, although he seems more annoyed with Marvin than Jackie. After some persuading, Jack relents and allows the practise to continue so long as new rules were implemented. Jackie could only act as dealer for the time being and watch to ensure they weren't cheating. Prize money was to be avoided, as was magic. Despite the sidelining, it's not a bad time. There is friendly banter accompanied by dramatic reactions to being bested. It's the first time the three of them have hung out together and it is clear they should do so more often. The only bad thing about it is that Jackie had nearly two years left before Jack would let him be any other role.

Not long afterwards, Jackie spots a sketchy individual sprinting away while hanging outside a shop, wishing for Marvin to hurry up. His friend will not be impressed with him but what does Marvin expect? Thwarting criminals is his job. Jackie is duty bound to pursue the thief. The chase grants him the adrenaline boost necessary to convince himself this will be an easy fight.

It is not an easy fight.

It's not that his game is off or that his opponent is larger than him but... he may have miscalculated. It will be fine, he's sure. It's just a couple stab wounds to the chest. A superhero like him should walk stuff like that off. And he will, as soon as he gets this blood under control. Maybe his suit could do with being washed too. Jack and Marvin would already be annoyed enough that he'd gotten himself hurt.

Marvin is initially unimpressed. He asks if the fight was worth getting injured. He complains of how he'd probably get stuck listening to Jackie's whining about the bruises. Then comes the realisation. In the fraction of a second, his demeanour changes as he rushes to help the hero to his feet. The journey home feels a lot longer than it should.

The next few days blur. He catches shreds of conversations. At first, it is Jack and Marvin whose chatter mixes into one incoherent mess. After that, he finds himself in a hospital bed with medical professionals recapping events he is sure are partially fabricated. Once he's able to focus better on what is being said, Jack tells him there is a chance Sean is working on bringing them a live-in doctor.

Previously, he had half listened to his friends when they warned him to be careful. His attitude towards the subject had been irresponsible. Who were they to stop him from fulfilling his role as the guy who saves the day? It takes his reflection having a black eye and slightly misshapen nose in a hospital bathroom for him to finally open his ears. This wasn't just a case of him collecting bruises and cuts anymore. He's unsure whether if it ever had been.

Within a week of returning home, Jackie happens across a path he hasn't seen before. Following it, he allows it to lead him to a house. He spots a boy playing with his two little sisters. The others needed to know about this. Who knew what this could mean. Jackie can only hope it's not anything serious.

He assaults Jack and Marvin's ears as soon as he races past the front door. The stranger sitting across from them is startled. He has glasses and his hello has a foreign sound to it. Beside him is a blood stained lab coat. Not the best first impression, if he's going to be honest. But he supposes neither is a loud teenager. Jack speaks up.

"Jackie, this is Dr Schneeplestein. He'll be helping to keep us all in one piece. He's just come out of a rough surgery. Maybe tone it down a little, alright?"

The doctor mostly spends time with his family or at work. Their interactions primarily consist of ensuring Jackie's injuries are kept in check. He is gentle enough when treating wounds and Jackie is yet to let him know how much he appreciates that. They have no other common ground. Dr Schneeplestein is practically twice his age and a married father of three. Jackie, on the other hand, is technically a minor and hasn't really paid much attention to anyone other than his housemates and Sean.

He has the craziest dream one night in the middle of October. It involves covering himself in cheeses, meats and peanut butter, blowing up Mars and punching camels. The song accompanying it gets stuck in his head for the entire day too. He wakes with an inexplicable need to lift something heavy or hop off the first floor. Instead of listening to his impulses, he lifts his slim dresser and jumps on his bed. To the young hero's astonishment, the dresser is much lighter than expected and he stays suspended in the air for at least a minute.

Jackie's first instinct when planning to demonstrate his findings to his friends is to arm wrestle. Jack takes him up on the challenge. The newly strong hero goes easy on him, which makes the big reveal all the better. He's glad he can impress the others like Marvin's magic impressed him.

His new powers give him and Marvin reason to fight again. The magician is still getting the hang of manipulating plants. When leaves try to wrap around Jackie's legs, he dodges them more efficiently with each session. Jack supervised their training, the doctor usually present or nearby.

In the last week of October, Jackie gets one of the dumbest idea he's had so far. He finds string and ties it around his ankle. Marvin is busy reading up on some spells. His near facepalm solidifies the fact that this is indeed stupid. The smirk as he reluctantly takes the string and rolls his eyes makes it worth it. It is worth it even more when Jack laughs and Dr Schneeplestein decides he wants nothing to do with them,

On Halloween, he and Marvin mess around with air manipulation. Nobody will notice if the household mop and broom are missing for an hour or two. While they joke about riding broomsticks through the night, Henrik is probably with his children and Jack is filming this year's pumpkin video. He's unassuming when his phone vibrates as a notification pops up. It doesn't last long.

Jackie becomes very worried when the panic button system he'd designed is activated for the first time. It's Jack. What could put him in danger? He was carving a pumpkin. There was obviously the risk of accidentally cutting yourself, it was a sharp knife after all, but it shouldn't be serious enough to declare it an emergency. Unless his hand slipped and hit his wrist.

It's not Jack's wrist that's been cut. He would have loved for it to have just been a bleeding wrist. Anything would have been better than what he finds.

The second he lays eyes on the body, he freezes. Oh God. That was Jack, blank eyes open and streams of blood staining the pumpkin and table. He wastes precious time just staring. Then he sprints. He sprints, yelling through tears the entire time. The doctor can't get to work fast enough.

Marvin talks at him as they wait for a miracle. He's probably trying to calm him down but it's useless. He's not really listening. Marvin's lucky he didn't have to see Jack. There was so much blood on the table and his eyes weren't closed and holy shit, someone murdered Jack while they were in a different part of the building. Someone just broke in and killed a member of their household without them knowing anything was wrong. He was supposed to be the hero and he'd let this happen through carelessness. All because he'd been messing around with his flight. He could have prevented this.

"Earth to Jackie, hey." Marvin's fingers snap. "Shut up. This is not your fault so stop saying it is." "But-" "No. And he's going to pull through, just watch."

Jackie debates whether to let him stay in denial or use common sense to convince him of the truth. He chooses to stay silent but makes sure Marvin knows what he thinks of his misplaced hope. Dr Schneeplestein had diverse skills but none were bringing people back from the dead.

Apparently, there is always a first time for everything. It doesn't even register when he hears the news. Jack, alive and just unconscious for a while? That made absolutely zero sense. He hovers around the infirmary until he is granted permission to visit. The bandages surrounding Jack's neck are unnerving because he knows what's underneath. But at least his chest is rhythmically rising and falling. He tells Angus what's happened too. The longest occupant of this house wastes no time in joining him.

Jack regains consciousness and is soon talking. Jackie doesn't have the heart to admit he was the one who found him. He can tell from their behaviour anyway. Jack explains his side of the story. It was Antisepticeye, the parasitic glitch Sean had chosen to unleash the previous night. No wonder nobody was aware anything bad was occurring. It's kind of hard to see someone break in if they aren't fully corporeal.

He's going to update security as soon as Jack is discharged. If he can work out how to include a glitch detector, that should keep them safer. While he's at it, he should buy the doctor something too. Reviving Jack must have taken a massive toll on him. He deserves a gift for his efforts and for keeping Jackie safe in his own way.

Sean finally has the decency to show up the day after Jack wakes up. Surprise, surprise, there's raised voices. He is sick of the fighting. There's always some underlying issue between Jack and Sean. Jack will be the one to start arguments but Sean's at fault for triggering the resentments. He is so tired of them squabbling. You can't go a month, sometimes even a week, without something putting them at odds. He knows there's probably no way to stop it.

It's descended into quieter, but by no means less harsh, words. Marvin can't really hear it. Jackie sure as hell can. As much as he tries to wait it out, he can't take it anymore. He has to get out of the house for a bit. Although, not before calling them out.

"Shut up! Both of you!" Jackie screams. "Sean, in case you haven't noticed, we're alive and we'd like to stay that way if possible. Don't make anything else at our expense like an asshole. And Jack, you know I have your back buddy, but you kinda provoke him half the time. It really doesn't help. So let's agree you're both as bad as each other and that Sean is at fault this time."

He leaves them with that. His mistake is going on patrol while disgruntled. Finding himself aimlessly marching around the streets of Athlone, his senses are go haywire. Because of course he can't catch a break tonight. Usually, he's hyper aware of every person near him. It is a good way of keeping him alert in the presence of danger. It's far easier to win fights if he can tell a perpetrator is about to attack him from behind.

At least, that was how it was meant to work in theory. It had acted in his favour in the past. Unfortunately, it had to fail him at some point. He blames the demon's insistence on disorienting him. It's not a difficult feat. Antisepticeye only has to glitch to a new position several times. Constantly being plagued by white noise and taste of metal in the air doesn't aid him either.

Jackie begins the fight at a disadvantage. He struggles to make up for it. Attacks fail to land. He thinks he breaks Anti's jaw but it glitches back into position so quickly that he can't tell. It's over when a jolting touch throws his body in a fit of pins and needles. He should have taken a moment to admire the sun earlier that day. He's not going to see it again for a while.

His new room is far removed from the one at home. With nothing but four walls and a door, it is devoid of light. The only source of it comes from a ceiling lamp. There's no furniture, not even a crude excuse for a bed. Time doesn't exist when he's here alone. It is measured in Anti's company and the absence of it.

Jackie's a fairly quick learner. When the lamp is lit, he is being paid a visit. Sometimes Anti won't bother with the light at all. There are still ways of detecting his presence. Food and drink will come whenever Anti feels like providing him with it. Once the demon takes advantage of his age, there are more rules. He is to be referred to as 'Sir' and Jackie is simply a boy. If he pretends to genuinely follow through with it, he can bide his time.

He spots an opportunity to escape when Anti leaves him be for a while. All it takes is a well placed blow to the door for his strength to free him from the room. His legs are in serious need of regaining their previous skill. He makes a dash for it, nothing to lose. It's only a matter of working out where the exit is. Regardless of left or right, static is everywhere he turns. It grows louder to a disorientating degree. It deafens. His hood is the thing to doom him. One grab and he's being hauled back to square one.

"You call that an escape? Pathetic."

The violent crack of his left leg leaves it undoubtedly fractured. The damage is duplicated on his right for good measure. He's questioned on which bone has been targeted, formal name necessary. Oh, how is he supposed to know? Radius? That was a major limb bone. Anti promises that's the next one to go if he remains this ignorant.

His lack of medical expertise is what truly ruins his legs in the end. Being forced to set the bones himself is bad enough. Not having any doctor present makes it worse. Having been allowed a chance to inspect the injury, he finds it's worse than his shin. It's his knees that are beginning to swell.

To his arm's fortune, Anti generously dedicates himself to providing Jackie with an education. His lessons begin with Biology but that is swiftly rectified to involve more Science and History. Soon, it will be any subject Anti finds relevant.

As often as he can, Jackie talks back, mocking Anti's efforts to hurt him. He can take away everything he's known, isolate him in darkness and make him silently dream of freedom. Jackie can handle that. All he has to do is survive until his friends come or he feels capable of making another escape attempt. Jack, Marvin and Schneeplestein must be searching for him, right? They probably have little to go on but he knows they care enough to try whatever method available. So he fights back however he can.

Then he takes it too far. Then he uncovers Anti's bad side. The demon is naturally cruel but he's patient. You do not want to see him furious. Jackie regrets learning that the hard way. The first few apologizes that leave his lips as his head is pinned to the floor aren't entirely sincere. He's not sorry for what he said. He's just sorry he triggered action. His sincerity increases when the needle's first piercing of his lips is felt. It is only a matter of minutes before he stops speaking altogether. For good measure, he temporarily loses the privilege of free movement around the room.

Anti visits an eternity later, acting resentful that Jackie needs water to stay alive. His blinks are dazed when a knife frees him. His captor comments on how pathetic he looks as he gulps the contents of the bottle provided. He probably does but who cares. He's been dying for a drink for who knows how long. Presumably literally, when his mind focuses enough to reflect on it.

This may be the first time but it won't be the last. He certainly makes an effort to reduce the frequency from then on.

December is ushered in with chocolate. Jackie doesn't care about the tradition of advent calendars. They're for children, which he isn't, and he doesn't appreciate the way Anti explains them like they haven't been lurking in shops since before Halloween either. If he can predict the demon's way of thinking like he hopes he can, he believes he knows where this is going.

He's correct in his predictions. It is a month of stomach cramps, helplessly being revisited by the little he ate and fevers. He refuses as many meals as he can get away with. Other times, he gives in and eats for the sake of having something in his stomach. Maybe his mind is working overtime to be suspicious of everything but he swears Anti increases the dosage for days Jackie's stomach speaks for him.

Anti introduces him to a seasonally appropriate song. It's gentle enough to lull an exhausted person to sleep if they let their guard down. He doesn't fall for the trap. He should have, it probably would have been the only time the song would have positive connotations. All is not calm when it plays. Out of spite, he remains silent as the night.

Anti hands him a present on what he claims is Christmas Day. It's a cake filled with berries and decorated with seeds wrapped in leaves. No matter how much he wants to tell the demon where he could put the 'gift', he can't escape the truth. Jackie hasn't eaten in days, which is exactly what the manipulative bastard must have planned. Survival is survival, even if the negative consequences outweigh the positive. Food that will upset his stomach is better than no food.

He doesn't realise how counterproductive that is until the symptoms hit him. His heart needs to chill out already and it would be great if he had better control of his muscles too. He swears he'll catch his breath any minute now. Just as soon as his chest stops hurting. Something at the back of his mind is uncomfortable with the plan to sleep it off but he wants a break. This has been a particularly rough round. He deserves to allow himself a rest, right?

When he wakes, his muscles feel stiffer. His body feels more drained that he's used to in general. He learns about yew trees, of how pretty much everything but the flesh of its berries is toxic. How, if left untreated, it tended to prove fatal within hours. Things fall into place. He wonders how long Anti just left him there. He promises himself he'll toss the next meal he's given to the other side of the room. Maybe shove a few yew seeds into the demon's mouth and see how he likes it.

His friends are coming soon. It's been nearly two months but they must still be trying to work things out. If they took a break from searching for the holidays, he doesn't mind. He hopes the four of them enjoyed themselves. With any luck, he'll be witnessing what a proper Christmas is supposed to look like next year. He pictures it. It's better than dwelling on the truth of last few days. That would just drive him crazy. One thing's for sure, they are never learning of what his first experience of the holiday was like.

The second Anti realises he can exploit Jackie's naturally heightened senses, the hero is sent to another room. He despises the way his ears uselessly strain to hear anything. It's darker than what he's gotten used to as well. Left long enough, his head begins working against him. It's not real, what he sees, of course it isn't. He is once forgotten about for so long that he swears Marvin bursts the door open so Jack can tell him it's going to be okay as Dr Schneeplestein checks him over. He's so tempted to leave with them but it can't be reality. Anti wouldn't let them get that far.

It is unbearably satisfying to win a victory against his captor when he stumbles upon a loophole. He sings the song he and Jack had made inside jokes out of. It annoys Anti enough for him to deliver consequences. He may be robbed of his ability to see and to have anything to listen to but it's impossible to steal his sense of touch. There was always the option of destroying all neural connections but what use would the boy be then? None. He can feel the strings attached to his mouth and he can still feel pain. It's not a good victory in regular terms but any victory against Anti is a good one is Jackie's eyes.

He learns Spring is approaching when Anti mentions Easter. That was always in Spring, right? Christmas was always in December and that had passed. It must be after New Year's Day now, in the very least. The demon began speaking of how religious the Irish were and briefly explains Lent.

Jackie doesn't like the sound of fasting.

The Wednesday associated with ashes deprives him of any necessity. Then, to his absolute shock, the demon hands him a glass of water. It's a regular sized glass too. He is far from trusting of it at first. Given everything that's happened to him, he has every right to be wary. He only drinks it to get this bout of poisoning over. Perhaps he can power through it long enough this time to deny Anti the satisfaction of watching him suffer. However, hours pass and nothing happens. Nothing continues to happen as he accepts the single daily glass of fresh water offered to him throughout the week.

There is a catch, of course. The privilege of routinely quenching his thirst comes at the price of food. He is fasting after all, Anti reasons. Fasting was about endurance. Jackie couldn't be a hero if he was unable to endure, especially in challenging situations.

If he's going to be honest, the starvation wouldn't be too much of a problem. He's gone days without food before. Once the actual sensation of hunger disappears, it's manageable. He could do this. Water must keep people going in famines. Who's to say it wouldn't sustain him too?

Two more conditions are established. Being charitable, better known as giving alms, would manifest itself in utter obedience. After all, it was about time Jackie learned defiance was completely pointless. Additionally, while Anti didn't expect him to pray, he did assure him certain outbursts were even more encouraged than usual. Should Jackie wish to beg, call for the others to save him or confess his transgressions against his captor, Anti was welcome to hear it all.

Even if there was a way to observe the passage of time here, he would have rapidly lost count of the days. He can however measure the decline into chronic fatigue. His lessons carried on as normal, including Physical Education. One missed punch soon turns into several failed attempts until it was general lack of co-ordination. Every hit Anti lands becomes more successful in sending him to the ground. No matter how many times it happens, no matter how much effort it takes to do so, Jackie returns to his feet.

There comes a day when he experiences sudden dizziness, despite laying on the ground. Anti's nearby, his senses are sure of it. For that moment, he continued to rest on his back. If he was being allowed the luxury, he wasn't going to squander it. Even if that meant he risked further repercussions. Besides, his chest didn't feel right. Without warning, he blacks out.

Jackie wakes to Anti closer, practically seated next to him. The unbearable weariness of resurrection informs him of the unfortunate nature of his spontaneous 'nap'. The boy shifts the slightest amount. His captor immediately looms over him.

"32 days." The glitching demon looks thoughtful for all of half a second. His cruel grin takes pride in his next words. "Pathetic. Most can make it to 50 days. There are some who can reach over 70. But here you are, pretending to be a hero, unable to survive even 5 weeks. A real hero would last long enough to break the record of 116 days. You barely achieved a quarter of that. What kind of hero are you?"

The following two weeks proceed the same as the previous five. Living in anticipation of water, fainting unexpectedly and being revived. He doesn't understand what makes the Friday so good when it steals his hydration benefits. Two glasses of water later, Anti is proud of him.

Upon being congratulated, Jackie comes to the realisation it was over. Had he done it? He had! Oh, thank God. He was doubtful of how much longer he could endure the cycle. The praise disorientates him.

Even more confusing is the glitch presenting him with his prize. A small creature is placed on his lap. The fur is nice to touch, steady breaths are felt when he holds a hand in front of what he can only assume is its face and the ears are longer than he was anticipating. A rabbit, it was a rabbit. Sure, he was vaguely aware the animal was associated with the holiday but... he hadn't been prepared for a rabbit.

Against the boy's better judgement, he succumbs to the temptation of making the most of his reward. He had to admit, Anti didn't have to supply the water or gift him the animal. Part of him reasons it would be rude to ignore his captor's attempts to be civil. He cherishes the soft fur, desperately staying awake for as long as he can with it. He's not stupid enough to believe this is permanent. He fights the pulls of drowsiness, rabbit clutched to his chest. Ultimately, despite his best efforts, he is too weak to oppose his body. He wakes to his comfort gone.

Anti returns it by unceremoniously tossing it before him, sticky and unnaturally stiff. It's eventually removed when he refuses to interact with the corpse. The boy is not surprised when he is given food with an unspecified meat. He's not stupid. Of course it's what he thinks it is. Why should he eat anything with meat? In fact, why should he eat anything Anti provides him in future? All this fasting had taught him was he could live without food. Of course, he'd be constantly tired and unable to really put up much of a fight. The point was he could die and wake up, over and over, until Anti got bored. The demon takes notice.

"You're so smart, aren't you? A clever little boy." Anti stops stroking his hair to grasp it. His smile fades as abruptly. "But no-one likes a know-it-all."

He gets his comeuppance. He supposes he deserves it for trying to outsmart Anti.

The boy doesn't understand what he's watching when shown footage of the house. It's Jack and Marvin with an ego he doesn't recognise. They're all just... sitting there, watching something on TV and being friendly with each other. Which is fine. He's not expecting them to spend every second of the day looking for him. Come on, he's not selfish. For all he knows, they're just taking their mind off what they hope isn't happening to their friend. It's probably fake anyway. That's what Anti does, he gets a kick out of screwing with his head.

The new guy's name is Chase Brody. Good for him. What does he care? It isn't like Sean had to deliberately choose to make Chase. While the boy has been here. For at least five months. Possibly six. Possibly so much longer.

He calls Anti a glitchy bastard to his face. Screw him for trying to convince him he's been forgotten about. It throws him for a loop when nothing happens. Perhaps the satisfaction of his student's reaction is enough of a reward. Well, congratulations, he got what he wanted. But the others are coming. They'll work out how to find him eventually. They have to. The boy can't exactly make a run for it himself, thanks to his knees. That was the whole goddamn point of ruining them. Maybe they're close to cracking it. Maybe Chase has some expertise that can help them. Chase, who is definitely not his replacement. Why on earth would he think that?

His birthday comes, bursting with celebratory activities. Seventeen to be exact. Anything he's dealt with since arriving is eligible to be repeated. He is presented with an exam to acknowledge the academic year drawing to a close. If he got a question wrong, there was an appropriate penalty. The cake is no prize for completing the test and neither is a trip to his 'favourite' room. He'd like to insist Anti really didn't have to reverse the treatment so the boy was bombarded.

Amongst other things, he is bestowed the privilege of a hot shower. He doesn't dare admit he prefers shivering until he feels queasy. Why should he complain? Anti was acting nice for his birthday. So what if his shoulders and arms turned pink? He probably deserved it for being ungrateful enough to desire heat those previous times.

There comes a period where Anti is gone for far longer than usual. He wants to believe it's been days but time is a strange concept by now. So much so that he could either be told it had only been an hour or it was nearly December again and he'd believe both statements. Regardless of how long Anti had been gone, the boy was alone.

As usual, being left in silence is hell on his senses. He would kill for an incessantly ticking clock, just to have some relief. The only thing he can pick up is someone else's voice. It's deeper than his so it couldn't be Anti's. Much to his ears' annoyance, he strains them further to solve the mystery of who the voice belonged to. His mouth goes dry when he catches a German accent.

Now he knew Dr Schneeplestein was here, he couldn't let him stay as long as he had. With only himself to save, he'd become a little complacent. However, Anti had to rest at some point. He decides to take advantage of that time. He gets as far as reaching for the sleeping doctor's shoulders before the sound of static causes him to flinch.

"I thought you were a clever boy. But it looks I can't trust you to behave."

Anti drags him back to the room he hates the most. His captor's sigh is the worst sound he could hear in this context. If the boy couldn't do as he was told, there was no choice but to take better precautions to ensure this was an isolated event. Whatever he's expecting, it's not slit ankles. When Anti leaves, he tests his legs. Neither foot can push off the ground to perform even the simplest step. None of his bones are broken. That said, he could sense a certain disconnect in the joint.

The boy is promised he can be redeemed if he participates in some birthday celebrations. The next ego to appear after him was... Marvin. Shit, what was Anti doing with Marvin? Were he and the doctor not enough? He asks if the other person will be harmed. At confirmation they won't, he accepts the offer. It turns out to be a standard Biology lesson. Anti apologizes for not preparing properly. While it was customary to use say, a frog, one wasn't available. Time was too short to rectify the oversight. He had been planning to use a cadaver so they would have to do without other now-necessary equipment. The shrug is casual but the scalpel begs to differ.

Anti takes his time. It takes everything not to give him a response. Focus on believing in Steve and maybe it will stop soon. Breathe slower and maybe it will become slow enough so he won't have to for a while. Ignore everything Anti shows him and maybe he'll give up. He's never been so thankful for the off switch being flicked. Once conscious again, he is positioned in a way that suggests he was thrown and abandoned. His torso aches from incisions. His insides feel wrong and misaligned somehow.

It's the final straw. The boy can't let Anti keep abusing him like this. Somehow he's got to escape without the demon being alerted. The best time to evade detection is when he's occupied with someone else. Which means he has to sacrifice either Marvin or Schneeplestein. He'll be back for them, he swears.

It happens to be the doctor he has to use as the distraction. As soon as he lasers a hole in the door, he searches for Marvin while he has the opportunity. The magician cannot be found. Regrettably, he has to postpone Marvin's salvation too. He's so sorry. He's not a hero, however much he liked to play the part before all this. The consequences of waiting any longer aren't worth it. Anti would probably resort to amputation or something similar if he didn't leave right now.

The first breath of fresh air he takes in months mocks him. So does the realisation that the sun isn't a theoretical concept. He's never seen a sunrise so insultingly gorgeous. Never mind all the things the boy took for granted. He has to get home. He has to save Marvin and Schneeplestein, even if it means exchanging himself for their guaranteed safe return.

The boy goes against his purpose when he deliberately breaks into a Next. All he needs is a fresh top and a pair of trousers. He doesn't want to show up in the tattered mess that was his suit. Besides, he recognises this shopping center. He's visited the coffee shop here multiple times. Even better, it was near the River Shannon. He's missed admiring her on the bridge. All he needs to do is cross it and keep following the road until he reaches home. He's so close.

Hope comes from Sean's Bar. If he's reached it then home is only down the street. Please, oh please. If he can just be granted permission to sit on Sean's sofa for a few minutes, he'll be beyond grateful. He usually sided with Jack but Sean shouldn't turn him away, right? He wasn't a completely bad guy as far as the boy's memory serves. Five minutes and he'll be out of his hair.

Hope vanishes when a voice that is clearly not Sean's answers the buzzer. He panics momentarily, wondering if he's hit the wrong button and disturbed a stranger unnecessarily. But no, he definitely rang Flat 12. A woman chastises him for bothering her this late. He learns Sean hasn't lived at this address in months. She doesn't know where he is now.

He spots a house with no cars parked beside it. He knows he shouldn't but he takes his chances. The boy gets lucky. With nobody home, he accesses a laptop. It takes longer than it should, no thanks to his lack of practise, but he eventually gets into the account. And oh, isn't the internet a wonderful thing. Within an hour, he's discovered he has to travel to Brighton, England and what the fastest way there is. Athlone to Dublin, Cherbourg, Portsmouth then finally Brighton. It will involve two ferries and an overwhelming amount of walking. However, it's better than other options. God knows stowing away on a ferry is safer than on a plane.

He doesn't know what he's doing, breaking into someone's home, hacking their devices then planning to be a stowaway. Yet, he would have otherwise stayed lost forever. Besides, it's roughly 26 hours to reach Dublin's port from here then another 15 hours by foot from Portsmouth to find Brighton. If he sleeps with one eye open, he may be able to get a few hours in before heading out.

Somewhere between Rochfortbridge and Milltownpass, his flight gives out. He finds branches and utilises them as he endures on until he reaches the bog. The boy refuses to rest on the second night of his journey. It's not long before dawn by the time he reaches Dublin. The branches are swapped for crutches before departing for France. He collapses and stays on the ground for the entire cruise. There isn't as much time to do so when destined for England.

Survive, just survive. He's already made it this far. What's 15 hours of 'walking' compared to the rest of what he's gone through? The sun passes the baton to the moon and then takes it back. He suspects it's during the hottest hours of the day when he spots a beach. Brighton, he had finally made it to Brighton. He considers messaging Sean to make things easier for himself. Then again, this was the guy who replaced him with another ego and moved out of Ireland while he was still missing. He ultimately decides against it. How large could one seaside town be? Sean's home could be found eventually, with it access to his own home.

He stumbles upon the gateway to his world accidentally. The house is different from how he remembers it. It's grown, likely to accommodate his replacement and any others he's not aware of. But it's hopefully still similar to the home he left behind. He couldn't bear to return to somewhere unrecognisable. He stands there, palm weakly banging on the door. An ego wearing a cap answers. The boy's pretty sure they've never met before. This must be him.

"Yeah?" Cap Guy is surprised by his appearance. He doesn't blame him. God knows what shape he's in. "Whoa, you look like you had a rough time in your video." Video, what video? Does he not know one of his own had been missing? "Please let me in. I can't remember the last time I... the last time I, uh..." Ate. He's forgotten when the last time he ate was. Or drank something, for that matter. And dear God, he would be grateful for a chance to crash on their floor for a minute. "Who is it, Chase? Is it Sean? Tell him he can turn around and never come back." He vaguely recalls that voice. But it's only just in earshot and he's so exhausted. "I don't know. I think he might be a new one." Chase notices the unsteadiness. The boy's arm is guided around the unfamiliar ego's shoulder. "It's okay, dude, I've got you." "He better not be making new egos. If he fucking thinks he can do that after everything he's pulled, Sean's got another thing coming. The zombie was bad enough." "Marv, I could use your help."

He barely manages to catch a glimpse of Marvin before his legs buckle and his mind switches off.

Memories of what a bed feels like flood in. There's something in his arm and another thing wrapped around his hand. What had he done to impress Anti enough for him to bestow him the luxury of a bed? He had gone crazy enough to dream of an arduous journey to England. It had been so vivid, almost as if it had actually happened. But that would have meant leaving. As if he was capable of that.

"Hey Jackie, you waking up there? I'd love it if you could open your eyes for me."

He obeys the soft-spoken voice's coaxing. It's a fake Marvin in what pretends to be the infirmary back home. He's probably been dumped in the deprivation room again. That would explain it. He likes this illusion though. It's nice to imagine he's back to his old life.

"Oh, thank God. At least you're okay." Not-Marvin's smile is gentle. He hates it. "So... long time, no see, huh?" "Uh huh. You know where the real Marvin and Schneeplestein are? I need to get them out." "What? No, this is real. I'm real. Jackie, come on, look at me. You're home." "Jackie?"

Jackie. It doesn't feel right. He hasn't been Jackie since, well, the start of November. Except, his name was Jackie. It's always been Jackie. All that he's experiencing couldn't be falsified. Even the most realistic visions didn't use his name. They'd always called him things like 'buddy' and 'dude'.

Marvin states it's September 22nd 2017. Ten months and three weeks. He's been gone for ten months and three weeks. How many days even was that? So many more than the three and a half months he had here before disappearing. Who knows how much he's missed since then. At least Marvin was here. He hopes Angus is doing alright. Man, he's really looking forward to seeing Jack again too. He's probably recording a video at the moment.

The two friends chat for a while. Jackie lets the magician lead. No point risking aggravating him unintentionally. They had looked for him. There had simply been too many dead ends and they were gradually losing hope of ever getting a result. Marvin tells him about Bastet the cat and the rabbit whose full name was Tim the Enchanter. Jackie wouldn't mind meeting Bastet. Tim, he'd have to work his way up to.

Unfortunately, all good things have to come to an end. Jackie makes a innocent comment about how Jack must be busy on a video if he hasn't come to visit yet. He is apologetic for causing Marvin's face to fall. With a heavy sigh, the magician admits he was wondering when the subject would be brought up. All he can tell Jackie is that Jack was unavailable. He'd show him exactly what happened as soon as he recovers a little.

As promised, he's allowed out of bed later that week. It's not close in the slightest to what he'd theorised. Jack is connected to all these wires. He's breathing through a mask. A coma? A freaking coma?! Sure, the last time they had seen each other it had also been here. But he'd been conscious. Jack had been perfectly awake and pissed off at Sean.

Where even was Sean in all this? Jackie hadn't seen him around either.

"Is Sean like this too?" "No. I'm not saying I wish he was the one in that position. That would be a shitty thing to want. But it would be easier to get on with life if he wasn't able to ruin it by pulling his usual crap." Marvin must notice the instinctively suppressed flinch. "Fuck, I'm sorry. I'm not mad at you. But just look at him. How can you not be mad?" "I- How? When?" "August 3rd. He was about to record a video but apparently wasn't feeling great. Went to Henrik to see if he could help then... Schneep hit the panic button. The door was locked and trust me, I tried every spell I could think of to get to them. Chase was there too. Nothing worked. Nothing. It opened on its own. And there he was. We can't do much else other than keep him comfortable. We update his drip with Henrik's back up supply but that's running out. I'd ask Sean for a way to get more but it's not like he's ever really done anything helpful for us." "Schneep's missing." "Yeah. Mr Glitch Bitch himself took him while he tried to save Jack's life. You... haven't seen him, have you? I've been wondering whether he kept you in the same place."

Yes, Jackie's seen their doctor. Seen him and betrayed him. He used him to escape. Who knows what he was being put through at that very moment? Knowing Anti, he was likely taking his frustrations of losing Jackie out on Schneeplestein. The plan was to get home, regain strength and then attempt a rescue. It seemed the doctor would have to wait. Whatever it takes, he is not going to be at Anti's disposal for nearly 11 months. Jackie is going to earn his role.

That's going to take a long time if Marvin directing him to a chair and asking him to breathe becomes a common occurrence.

Angus drops by the infirmary briefly and Jackie's glad to see him. It means a lot to know he's made the effort. However, Jackie cuts the visit short. All he can concentrate on is the memories of when it was just the three of them. That month before Marvin entered the picture. The hunter wasn't always invested in the socialisation and it could lead to awkward evenings but on his best days, Jackie had begun to really warm to him. But, of course, it never been Jackie and Angus. There was Jack and Angus, Jack and Jackie or the trio. Jack was the missing link and it showed. So he lies about how tired he is. He can always make up for it later.

He's soon permitted to sleep in his old bedroom. Everything in the house has changed. There's new egos, Marvin has pets and Jack is comatose. The doors to their rooms have personal symbols painted on them. Jackie's is left blank. The room itself is pretty much how he left it. They've basically preserved it like some dumb time capsule. The only new things are the presents and envelopes that he suspects contain cards. 'Happy birthday, Jackie! We miss you.' in what is undeniably Jack's handwriting? No, the tag gets ripped off the wrapping paper immediately. The gifts and cards are hastily removed from the bedside table they were lying on.

Jackie questions whether he should visit Jack's room. He knows the guy had a habit of keeping photographs. He's curious to know who was in the current occupant of the frame he owned. He wouldn't mind lying on his bed too, give it a purpose for once. On second thought, the bedroom would be as devoid of life as his own. Plus, the bed would be cold.

Jackie instead finds the video posted on July 10th 2016. The thumbnail is so fake, simply Sean posing heroically for the image. Jackie clicks regardless. His creator recites his introduction before welcoming the audience to the game. The first glitch appears. The boy pathetically clamps his eyes shut in response. Device beside him, he simply listens as the audio runs.

"-this time, I was getting all freaked out the last time, I was getting all scared, and I was acting like a little cry baby. So this time, I've got a special solution: I'm not going to be scared anymore because I am going to morph into a superhero!"

He peeks at the dramatic montage of him changing into his costume for the first time. This was it, the beginning of the superhero made to be fearless, made to face danger head on with little consideration for the consequences. He was supposed to be someone whose confidence was something to admire. People should look to him for inspiration in conquering the things holding them back. He wasn't meant to act like a little cry baby.

And yet, laying on his bedroom floor with hands covering his face, Jackie can do nothing but sob.

[realityhelixcreates]

Lasabrjotr Chapter 21: What Only Lives in Memory

Chapters: 21/? Fandom: Thor (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe Rating: Teen And Up Warnings: Mention of past sexual assault, Mention of past murder Relationships: Loki x Reader (Let’s try this again) Characters: Loki (Marvel), Reader, Brunnhilde(Marvel),  Additional Tags: Post-Endgame: Best Possible Ending (Canon-Divergent), Here Comes Self-Reflection, Reader Had a Rough Time During the Snap, Loki Tries to Figure Himself Out Summary: Loki moves things forward, while reader reveals the past.

“Hey! Hey, you kidnapping bastard! Give me my daughter back, asshole!”

“That's about the reaction I expected, yes.” Loki said, holding on to his composure in the face of your enraged father. He was an entire ocean away, and merely a mortal man of no consequence, but there was still some intimidation involved. Loki wanted a favor from this man; information. Also, there was something...important, about not being hated by your father, specifically. “Alas, I cannot. It's isn't safe for her, I'm afraid. Her health would deteriorate once more.”

“Yeah, the spandex squad said the same thing. They said it was some kind of magic? Sounds like bullshit to me.”

“You have lived through invasions by both extraterrestrials, and robots, yet you find magic difficult to believe in?” Loki pointed out.

“Yeah, well, you can punch an alien or a robot.”

“I dare say, one can punch a sorcerer as well.”

“Oho? She's been throwing hands?”

Loki cleared his throat. “Your daughter has been...most emphatic on several points.”

Your father drew himself up with pride. “Good. You best listen. And you'd damn well better be treating her right!”

“Actually, that is why I wished to speak with you. I would like advice on how to treat her more properly. Specifically, I will be remodeling her room into a more permanent residence, and I wish to know what kind of things she likes to have in her home.”

Your father remained quiet for a few long moments.

“So she's really not coming back.” He said finally. “Damn. I know all girls eventually leave, but she just seemed happy where she was...” He sighed. “Okay, fine. If it's gotta be up to you to take care of her now, then listen up. She likes doodlin' so get her some art supplies. She likes them little fairy lights. If you're getting her decorative things, she likes birds, and seashells, and flowers. No pets. She doesn't like having little things underfoot. Get her some houseplants, but only if they have bright colors, or make flowers.”

“How about toiletries? Does she have a preference?”

“Eh, more flowery stuff. Whatever's on sale, usually, but you can do better than that, can't you? The most flowery stuff you can find. Candles or potpourri, or whatever. Uh, she likes Pokemon. Don't know how much that helps you.”

“It would help me more if I knew what that was, but I'm sure I can find out.”

“It's some video game about fantasy animals. It's easy to find. Oh, and she likes space too. Stars and constellations and stuff. Likes learnin' about what's out there.”

“Oh, I know.” Loki said, perhaps a little too confidently. Your father glared. “But not too well.” He added. “Space. It is a good subject. There is much out there.”

Silence stretched out uncomfortably.

“How is she, really?” Your father asked.

“Distressed. That is why I am doing this. A great many things have happened to her in too short a time, so I am attempting to counter them with comfort. Her illness has all but disappeared, but we must remain within a mile or so of one another, and cannot be separated for more than a few hours at that distance before she begins to deteriorate. Were you told of the assassin?”

“Yeah. I was told she wasn't badly hurt, and that you caught the bastard.”

“Correct on both counts. She suffered a cut, but it has healed completely, and he will be facing justice eventually. I may still curse him into an early grave though, no matter what his sentence ends up being. Hmm. Perhaps forget I said that.”

“Nah, no one's hearing a peep from me.” Your father fidgeted as a gray cat peeked its head into the screen. “No Momo! Get down from there. Hey look, if she's gotta stay with you from now on, there's some things you oughta know. She's got some...problems. There were some major health issues that ran in her mother's side of the family; brain tumors mostly. Took her mom and her aunt while she was still pretty young. She hadn't shown any signs of it, but two or so years ago, she had this weird episode...Started insisting that everyone was dead, and the world was ending. The doctor didn't find any evidence of tumors, but said she was acting like someone who had gone through some kind of traumatic experience. No one could figure out what happened. She was fine one day, and the next, she'd completely changed. Got way more aggressive, kinda obsessed with food, has panic attacks over some of the weirdest things. And whenever something bad happens, she goes from one hundred percent ready to fight, to meek and numb in seconds.”

“I...have observed some of those behaviors, yes.” So this was what it looked like from the outside. Someone who had survived the Snap and remembered it must seem to others as if some great change had come over them. An entire year lived like that would not leave someone the same as they had been before. It was a shame Loki could not tell him what had happened. That your father would never understand you like he did. That he didn't even truly understand you.

You were just about as alone in this world as he was, weren't you?

“So if you've got some kind of magic health care over there, just keep an eye on her brain, okay?”

“As you say. I shall keep a special watch over her mind. I appreciate you telling me this. All of this. It will be most helpful.”

“Yeah well, as long as you take good care of her, I can't complain. Still hate you though.”

Loki smiled smugly. “I would expect nothing else.”

                                                                             *****

Loki spent his time between meetings searching through various storage rooms for furnishings. He'd found a very nice rug; blue and green and silver, patterned with knotwork and ravens. Bedding was a bit more difficult: you felt the cold more keenly, and needed either more, or heavier blankets. He was having trouble finding good matches, however. He didn't just want to throw things together like some kind of motley. You weren't a peasant anymore, and you should have better.

But just for now, maybe the brick red bed set didn't clash with the green and blue that much?

In the end, he was able to gather plenty of  bird-themed items, mostly ravens, eagles, and swans, and no shortage of floral décor. He commissioned a space-themed mural for one of your walls, though he knew it would take several weeks to finish. There were very few seashells to be had, but he did manage to procure a small hand mirror that was shaped like a scallop.

Perhaps this would do for now?

He called for Saldis and two others to carry things back you your room, stood back and supervised while they laid things out. Fairy lights and Pokemon would have to wait until he figured out what they were, and where he could get them.

As the servants put everything into place, Loki was drawn to your desk, and the little stack of books there. Astronomy, of course. That made perfect sense. A history of Iceland. Good idea. The collected tragedies of Shakespeare. Good stories, all of them, but perhaps not the best reading material for someone of your delicate mental state. Ah, there it was. World mythology.

Brunnhilde said you had mentioned something about a mythology book that had led you to believe some mixed up things. Well, what did it say?

He picked up the book, leafing through it as the servants moved around him, hanging artworks on the blank walls, a pair of flower-themed lamps replacing the old one, rolling out the rug.

The temperature began to fall while he read the entry about himself, stone-faced, but radiating a quiet anger that everyone in the room could feel. The servants slowly came to a halt, staring at him in silent worry.

“Sire?” One of them finally asked, her voice barely above a whisper. His eyes snapped up from the book to look at them, and all three flinched back.

“You.” He said, pointing. “And you. Out.”

Both women hurried for the door, throwing apologetic looks over their shoulders at Saldis, who stood in place, bewildered and a little frightened.

“Saldis...Odasdottir, was it?”

“Yes, your Highness!” She squeaked.

“You can speak English.”

“Yes, your Highness! Fluently, Your Highness!”

“A useful skill. More importantly, can you read English? I trust you know not to lie to me.”

“No, Your Highness! No more than a few words! I have Roskva translate for me!”

“I see.” He snapped the book shut with a loud clap.”So you know nothing of the contents of this book?”

“No, Your Highness! Seidkona _____ asked for English language books, so I just brought back all that the library had! I don't know what any of them are about!”

“This one is full of slander.” Loki seethed. Saldis began backing away. “Written by our enemies to defame us, clearly. I will be confiscating it.”

Saldis began stammering apologies, but Loki held up a single finger to silence her. There were no lies in what she said. She was no saboteur.“If you did not know, you cannot be blamed. However, I would be alone for a time.”

She took the dismissal for what it was, vacating the room in an undisguised hurry. Loki could just barely hear Andsvarr asking her what was wrong, as he stalked to his room and threw the book into the fireplace. Drivel! A poison of words, pouring into your eyes, into your mind. No wonder you were so frightened!

God of Evil? Ridiculous! Evil wasn't something one could be a god of; it was a nebulous concept that changed from culture to culture, and across time. Anyone was capable of it, but none could rule it. And that nonsense with the horse... He didn't even know anyone named Angrboda! Where had all that come from?

He had been to Midgard once before New York, when he was a child, long before these concrete forests had sprung up in the place of the wooden ones. It had seemed like a very different world then, the storytellers weaving magic into their tales, spinning their words into decorative knots. He'd learned of the concepts of kennings and flyting from them...Was this what they had seen in him, or did it have some symbolic meaning, lost over the centuries? Did they see him as evil?

Or was it what had happened after? The burying of the old ways under the name of another god? Was that what had painted him in such a dark way? Or perhaps the author of the book had written it after the events in New York. Humanity had plenty of reason to consider him evil then, and a great many still did.

It didn't really matter right now. What mattered was that this had been influencing your perceptions of him, and now he had to reverse that. The room would be a very good start, a step in making this a real, permanent home for you. He would find out everything you needed, everything you wanted. He was a prince. He was a god! He could provide.

He sat down on his fluffy rug, watching the book slowly blacken and curl. It did matter. It mattered because it was part of the reason you weren't here. And he felt it now, now that you were gone, every minute making him more and more aware that you weren't there. There was a little, human shaped hole in the world, that only you fit into, and you were out of place.

When had you become important? He could no longer deny that you were. Honesty with the self was among the coping exercises he and Thor had had to adopt, once they realized that they absolutely had to be in this together. It was quite possibly one of the hardest things for him to do, to admit everything to himself, to open himself back up to all the emotion.

In the beginning, after he had been returned from death, all his walls had come down. Those had been hard times; he was nearly inconsolable, everything he had been through in such a short time was all there, up front. All the grieving he hadn't been able to do, all the anger and resentment, the self-loathing and loss of identity. Everything he'd never gotten the chance to heal from had all come down on him, all at once, and he'd thought he'd never stop crying again.

But once he had been given the chance to confront all those things, to work through them, to finally, properly mourn, when he'd put himself back together, and run dry of tears-and when Thor had done the same-that was when they had both decided to take the steps necessary to be better than they had been. For the people. For each other. And for themselves.

Communication with the self was easily just as difficult as communication with each other. Neither of them exactly had the hang of it yet, and it led them to mistakes like this. Mistakes like Loki believing that everything was just fine between you and himself because he wanted so badly to believe that it was. Tricking himself into thinking that your actions and reactions were those of a person in need of support and comfort from him, instead of a person who was afraid of him.

Five years ago, he would have seen it for exactly what it was, but he had been trying so hard to leave that version of himself in the past, where it belonged. He needed to be better now.

He needed to admit that you were important. He needed to understand why. You represented something to him; some kind of redemption. If he could take care of you, he could prove something to everyone, including himself. What was that thing? What did he need to prove? That he could be responsible?

That he was what he said he was. That he was worthy of being what he said he was. A Prince. A Ruler. A Leader. A Provider. A Man.

Not a monster.

He could give you everything. And he felt that you might even deserve it, you who had lost your mother, and then your world, and then your health, and then your autonomy. He could give you everything, and he kind of wanted to. But he had to step back now and take a different approach. It had to be for you, as much as it was for him.

He watched the book burn until it was an unrecognizable lump, thinking of ways to be better for you. Then he left his quarters in search of his brother. He had an idea that would set at least some of your fears at ease.

He passed Brunnhilde on the way, the Valkyrie carrying a sandwich on a plate. He stopped, then followed her.

“Is that for her?” He asked. “Because she hates that.”

“What? Well then what does she like?” Brunnhilde demanded. Loki listed a few things off the top of his head, and Brunnhilde headed back to the kitchen. “Guess I'll eat this one then. Heard you terrorized some of the maids.”

“I suspected one of them might be a saboteur. I was glad to find otherwise. I discovered a source of _____'s fear. That book you said she mentioned; I found it and I destroyed it. It will trouble none of us again.”

“That might not look good, you know. Might look like you're trying to destroy the evidence.”

“What evidence?” He sneered. “It was worthless. It was...do you even know what it said? It was like a parody, and it was deceiving her. I will find her other books.”

“You can't just curate her reading material you know.” Brunnhilde said, making another sandwich. “Not if you don't want to seem so controlling.”

Loki added a cup of skyr to the plate, and a spoon of redcurrant jam on top. “I'm not going to. I'm thinking of taking her into the nearest town, and visiting a bookstore. She can choose her own books, and not be stuck reading the same few over and over. I've already seen to her room, and so all that's left is to let her get some things of her own choice.”

Brunnhilde nodded. “That's better.”

“So, how are the Valkyries coming along? You mentioned a Buridag demonstration?” Loki asked, following her back out of the kitchens.

“About as well as can be expected for only having a year of training. There's a lot of work to be done, catching them all up. Lucky for us, most of them naturally gravitated towards combat lifestyles. The twins have a long way to go though.”

“Twins?”

“Valda and Velda. They're only about three hundred years old. They're having to start from scratch, but I can see the power in them. They're the real deal. They are also tiny children who can barely lift their own swords, and definitely can't wear armor. We can't have a demonstration without them, but there isn't much they can physically do. Maybe if I play up how important standard-bearing is, they won't put up a fuss.”

“One can hope.” Loki said with a smile. “Sibling rivalry can be a tough thing to navigate.”

“They get along well. Just because you and your brother had a rivalry for the storybooks, it doesn't mean everybody does. Speaking of, did Saga ever get back to you?”

“Yes. She's chosen fully sixteen texts to translate, and she will be doing each of them in seven languages. She's so happy. I was thinking of asking her to expedite the English translations, but I wonder if that isn't a little too selfish.”

“Well, technically, you're thinking of someone else, so it isn't 'selfish' exactly...” They stopped outside Brunnhilde's rooms. “Well, your Highness. You have some work to do, and I have some mouths to feed, so here is where we part.”

                                                                     *****

“Dinnertime!” Brunnhilde announced, and you hopped up to receive it. Everything looked very tasty this time, and you tucked in without preamble. You'd worked pretty hard again today, not quite as hard as when you were practicing magic, but hard enough. The bath had been wonderfully relaxing on your sore muscles, but had done nothing for your appetite.

You should exercise now, eh? Surely this was a good start.

“So...” Brunnhilde said. “You're not a good liar.”

“Hrm?” You asked around a bite of sandwich.

“Whatever you told Borgljot, you've been in combat before.”

“Mrm.” You said, swallowing your bite. “Well, about that...I don't know if I would call it combat exactly...and besides, I didn't lie.”

“Oh? Oh. Because it technically didn't happen?”

“Yeah. Things went to hell during the Event, you know that. I can't imagine it was a walk in the park for you either.”

“Wasn't great. You wanna talk about it?”

You stopped eating. “I never have before.”

“You never had someone who believed you before either, did you?”

“Sure didn't.” You said quietly. “It's just, you know, everyone went a little crazy I think. You can't face a devastation like that and stay totally sane. And nobody really knew what to do. The guys were a pain in my ass, but there was this one guy specifically...his wife and kid turned to dust in his arms, and I think he just went completely insane. But quietly; no one noticed. He was always very nice to me, and normally, he wouldn't hurt a fly, but...he kinda started fixating on me.”

Everywhere you were, there he was. Being helpful. Complimentary. Said you reminded him of her.

“At first I thought it was a good thing. It kept the other guys from bugging me too much. See, out of three hundred and forty of us, only about sixty-seven made it through the Event, and only about a third of those were women. Some of those guys didn't even try to pretend that they weren't being predatory. But he kept the others away, and I appreciated it. For a while.”

Never saying anything creepy, but simply always being there, always ready to help out. You never found out how he scared the other men away.

“We had to try to keep farming in order to survive, but half the seeds had turned to dust too. We probably would have been okay, if the fields hadn't died, but we had almost nothing. Everyone was desperate. I was in charge of the potatoes. Had a good patch of them growing out in the East fields. One day, when I went out to tend to them, he followed me. Guess he just...finally hit that breaking point. Came onto me, using her name. When I told him off, he full-on attacked me.”

Mad-eyed, tearing at your clothes, sobbing and crying a dead woman's name.

“He wouldn't stop, so...”

Panic gave you the strength to knock him to the ground, desperation gave you the instinct to bring the sharp edge of your garden hoe down on his head.

“So I killed him. Chopped his head in half. I know what that looks like now.”

You didn't know when you had started trembling, but it was making your voice quiver.

“You were defending yourself.” Bunnhilde said. “It's a terrible, harsh edge of reality, and a shame that you had to see it. But you came through. Not gonna say it's okay, because it's not. But you came through.”

“It's...I think my problem is that I don't even think that's the worst part.” You said. “It's that, technically, it never happened. He's fine now. He's alive, his wife, his kids, all alive and well, and going about their lives. He's just like I remember him from before it all happened; sweet and harmless. He comes in to the bakery sometimes, after our cornbread. I'm sure he worries about me, because that's just the kind of person he is.”

“Well that's-”

“I hate him.” You interrupted. “I hate him so much. I should be glad that it all got erased. I should be glad that he's not a predator, and that I'm not a murderer. But I'm just so angry! He gets to have his family, and his sanity, and his life, and go happily about his business, and I have to remember what he did! What I did! It's horrible, isn't it? I shouldn't feel like this!”

“Honestly? I feel like it would be more wrong if you didn't.” Brunnhilde reached across the distance to take your hand. “None of this should be easy to accept. How long ago was it, that Thor crashed on this planet? Seven? That's seven years for your whole world to realize that there's more people out in the universe, get attacked by those other people, get nearly wiped out by one of those other people. Then a small percentage of you has to find out that even reality itself can be malleable. And then on top of that, you, individually, have to deal with mans inhumanity to man, and that is all a terrible burden to put on such small, human shoulders.”

“I'm going to be a seidkona.” You declared. “Just as soon as I figure out how. I'm taking this as an opportunity to leave that all behind. I never have to see that guy again. I don't have to hold on to the hatred. I don't have to project it onto other people, I can start moving forward again.”

“You don't have to push.” Brunnhilde warned. “You'll burn yourself out. Set your own pace. You don't have to do everything at once, in fact, you probably shouldn't.”

“Where should I start then?” You asked. Once you had decided something, you were always full of energy and raring to go. But maybe she was right. There was a lot to do, and if you tried to do it all at once, you'd get overwhelmed.

“What all do you have to do? What tasks and goals are on your mind?” Brunnhilde asked. “and out of those, what are the simplest or easiest?”

“Um. I've got to...I've gotta learn how to use this knife. And my magic, gotta learn that. I should learn the language. Gotta be ready for the trial, I'm pretty sure I'll have to testify. Kinda torn there, I mean, I want that guy to go straight to jail forever, but I don't wanna be in the same room with him ever again? I gotta... research seidkonas. Learn about the past ones, what they did, how they worked. I gotta...I gotta go back to my room. Make up with his Highness. I have to, but also, I want to.”

“You looked at your palm. “Gotta learn more about this thing, if there is any more to learn. Gotta...Gotta yell at Beli! He's the one that spread this whole seidkona rumor around, isn't he? Only him and Loki knew; I didn't even know! And then everybody knew except for me! That is not right!”

“Oh don't yell at old Beli.” Brunnhilde said, pointing at your food. You took the hint and began eating again. “For one thing, it's a waste of breath. So, out of those things, what is easiest? What will you start with?”

“Um. Well, you'd think going back to my room and making up with Loki would be easiest, but in reality, it's terrifying. Probably can't research if I can't read the language. The trial can't be prioritized; it'll just happen when it happens. So, looks like knife is the only choice.”

“Well, there you go. I also have a suggestion. You should have a better grasp of your surroundings. If you'd like, I'll get someone to show you around. Also, if you have hobbies, you know, something you just do for fun, then you should do that a little bit.”

“...I'd like to bake something, if that's all right? I used to do that for a living, and I really enjoyed it too.”

“I'm sure that can be arranged. Let's go do that in the morning.”