#if someone blocks they treat it like the blog doesnt exist

[superchat]

you know tumblrs report system is good when its harder to report people who block you, like "oh this person is behaving badly? and they didnt like you said something about it so they blocked you? well. too bad, you cant view their posts or find the one they made that breaks out tos so...."

[steaming-system-takes]

my hottake is many people misinterpret what people mean by "doubles dont exist"

all we are saying is that doubles do not literally exist. we arent telling you that you being uncomfortable isnt valid or whatever, we are simply trying to point out that no two introjects of the same source are the same person or said fictional character, source-separated or not.

as an introject, i and many other introjects in our system used to get uncomfortable around other introjects who shared our source. (I SHOULD MAKE THIS CLEAR THAT IT'S IMPORTANT TO KNOW I AM TALKING ABOUT IN THE CONTEXT OF BEING IN A PUBLIC CHAT OR SERVER, NOT AN ONLINE MEDIA ACCOUNT! a server vs a tumblr blog for example are different. my issue here is when it comes to discord/other public chatting sites.)

you know what we would do? either leave because it is our responsibility or we toughen through it and remember that person is literally a different person from us. im trying hard not to come off mean or invalidating but im really bad at wording

you're an introject on a tumblr blog and people sharing the same source as you make you uncomfortable? valid. blocking is a thing. just dont say anything and block. if someone is invading ur DNI on purpose thats on them. just block and thats it.

you're an introject talking in a system server/chat and someone else happens to have the same source as you? excuse yourself from the chat for the time being or ignore that person.

please do NOT go up to someone and call them a "double". i am not you. you are not me. we are not fictional characters. do not go around calling people " doubles". i could go up to you and say the same thing.(i wouldn't obviously bc i hate that word and it's rude i just mean that i LITERALLY could and it would be the same thing you hypothetically did) i am not a clone of you. (not saying everyone uncomfortable with "" doubles"" does this i just see it happen a lot.)

obviously, also respect when someone says "doubles dni". i just don't.. like it being called doubles bc its kind of dehumanizing and isn't. real in how the term means. it doesnt work for DID/OSDD.

we got over the double thing, and thank god we did, because all it literally did was fuel our DELUSIONS WE EXPERIENCE and PARANOIA from believing it. it also made us have internalized ableism towards other systems for a while. (again not saying everyone who has this as a discomfort is like this, just that it wasnt very healthy for us and ive seen a lot of people where it isnt healthy for them or the people around them either.. ive seen people literally yell at others over their identity??? can we please stop normalizing the double mentality thingie. introjects are NOT THEIR SOURCE or all the same person..)

we've had our unreasonable and finnicky triggers. hell we used to have a trigger for FUCKING APPLES. (long story.) and eventually you have to learn how to get over them. sorry that sounds really rude but i wish people would stop this!! calling people "doubles" is so fucking hurtful like yeah you are allowed to be uncomfortable but please dont spread the doubles thing or yell at people. you dont do that stuff and you just block or ignore and move on? cool. you are a cool person. stay cool

god i really hope this made sense. im the worst at wording.

im paranoid people read my messages wrong so heres now a list of clarifications;

>i believe alters are allowed to NOT source separate if they dont want to separate. as long as it isnt hurting them. even then thats for them and their own system to figure it out, and source separation shouldnt be forced.

>im not forcing people to INSTANTLY get over their discomforts and triggers. it takes time. i know. im just asking *some* people to change the way they view things or at least treat it differently (ie stop using "double" and use a different term or wtvr for it, be more responsible abt it etc) and strive to get better about it. i hope that made sense. im not trying to belittle people i genuinely just dont know how my tone is coming off and im paranoid im coming off rude/gen

>yes some of us still get uncomfortable around source-sharing people. it used to be really bad when we were younger but it's gotten better. yes we do experience different kinds of delusions and have severe paranoia and im aware those can be part of why source-sharing people can be triggering to some. this post is only talking about the people who INSIST on calling PEOPLE "doubles" or instead of being responsible for their own stuff and just blocking or ignoring these people will yell at random people. it does not happen a lot but it does happen. this is a post against that, not people who are merely uncomfortable and/or just block/leave without saying anything. if you are just uncomfortable and block or wtvr again UR COOL ur cool /gen

>and honestly im just asking people stop saying "double"... use "source sharing person" or smth else instead 😭😭 the word double is strange and dehumanizing

sorry this was so long.

/lh

^

we genuinely love getting these long and thought out takes, its nice being able to see someones full opinion on something and why they feel the way they do

[rise-my-angel]

Because I love salt, what do you find to be the most annoying lines of so-called evidence or foreshadowing for ships you hate? For me it’s hard to pick just one but Jon saying Sansa looked radiant is up there for me because the idea that Jon had a crush on Sansa in the first book or before is so much worse than the thought of them meeting again and then developing feelings (which I still hate, but it’s just not as bad). It’s super normal for people to think their siblings look nice. Arya’s POV chapters also remark that Sansa is beautiful. Ashford theory is annoying because it was originally about the hound and Sansa (also hate this ship but the fans are a million times more tolerable). I also roll my eyes when fans insist that the bride of fire line foreshadows Dany marrying Jon (and I even LIKE that ship but only in an AU in my head where Lyanna is Jon’s mom but Rhaegar is NOT the father)

"Because I love salt"

You have come to the right place as this is an accurate real life photo of me running this blog:

Thats a good one I hate though, multiple siblings and family members in this series all compliment one another. Even characters with bad relationships compliment each other. In the books, Arya recalls that her father calls her pretty, which only Jon ever also called her. Does that mean Ned had romantic feelings for Arya? Or Lyanna for that matter? No of course not. Thinking someone in terms of beauty is zero indicator of attraction in any way.

Also its even funnier with Jonsas because Sansa herself notes that Arya looks just like Jon, and then on multiple occasions notes that she thinks Arya is ugly. So, its even less compelling.

In the show Tyrion compliments Cersei's beauty all the time and we know there is nothing to it. It's reading into something that isn't there beacuse if they ignore the way beauty is used in this series as a common compliment towards other highborns, then its a really simple box to check on really stock symptoms of attraction. (I also dont really enjoy Sansan but it is funny how they just stay in their circle and mind their business like they somehow are winning based on being not fucking annoying alone).

I'm gonna rapid fire for Jon here because pretty much every single ship he has is backed by the worst evidence known to man.

The idea that Jon never thinks about Sansa because he loves her the most is dumb and not how we know Jon works. He holds back what he says not what he thinks. He thinks of Sansa the least because despite being his sister, she treated him like shit because she looks down on him for being a bastard. Jon cares about her, but not anywhere near how he cares about his other siblings who have clearly shown him love and respect.

The worst of Jon and Arya is a very very old outline that grrm scrapped. Its an outline that wasnt used and most of it isnt canon so it is literally a piece of non evidence for a ship that is disgusting. (Both Jonsa and Jonrya make Jons good older brother behavior towards his sisters look predatory and the shippers are all literally too blind to realize it)

Jon and Dany have literally nothing to back that up, because they are staged as moral oppositions to one another, dont know the other exists, and the idea that the motif of ice and fire will be about the coming together of romance is antithetical to everything grrm has established about the themes of his story. They are so far from being a ship that literally the ONLY thing they have to support it is the show and thats an absolute joke (see my every post that got me blocked by jonerys stans for more detail)

Ygritte is a rapist, so I accept literally zero "evidence" on that ones validity.

I also hate the "the actors have chemistry" argument to support really bad ships, because some actors having chemistry doesnt equal good romance, it equals good on screen dynamics in its own unique way. Like Tywin and Arya in season 2 have GREAT chemistry, but I don't need to explain why shipping that is creepy. Catelyn and Jaime have great chemistry, but it doesn't mean anything was actually there which could've worked.

Like shipping is fine, but so many people just INSIST it is canon or meant to be instead of something fun to think about. I joke ship about Stannis and Davos because its fun but I'm not over here arguing that people who don't ship it are "ignoring the text in front of them deliberately".

Also honestly, its really funny to me that you had to specify you'd only like that ship if they weren't related. Big oof on that one. Jonerys stans hate the idea they couldn't be related because they somehow think Dany being his AUNT isn't at all creepy. Like, Dany is related to Jon the way Jon thinks hes related to his MOTHER. There is no capability of romance or attraction there, that's crazy.

People who are biologically related but don't know it, 99% of the time are in fact, still not accidentally attracted to each other because that's biological survival instinct. Anti inbreeding protocol. But they think because DANY was raised to think her families blood superiority driven incest is fine, that somehow means JON would think its fine. Jonsas have no argument for that they just have to pray desperately that Jon would want to fuck his little sister despite how much it makes him look like a predator.

I'm sorry, I hope you have water on hand to wash down all this goddamn salt I just threw at you all at once.

Really, it isn't individual lines that irk me, its the overall tendencies of these ships to put more emphasis on things that don't even exist to justify something they don't even realize WHY people think it's creepy. I don't hate a lot of ships, just...all pro incest ones, and ones that promote predatory/rapist behaviors. Which is why I don't ship much in this series.

We're probably not meant to ship many people in this series if I in any way understand even a modicum of why grrm writes the lack of romance the way he does.

[jatlokgwo]

i think that the biggest diffrence between when i was antiship antitransid etc and now is that i actually LIKE interacting with people

am not terrified that ill interact with the wrong person or convinced that talkin to someone that doesnt perfectly match my opinions will make me irrideemable i am posting mostly for mysrlf now instead of a look!!!! i rbed the good person post i am good!!!! preformance am not spending hours combing through peoples blog before i isend them a anon ask becus what if there bad and i dont know and someone realizes that am anon??

i WANT to talk to people now and people are alot friendlier it doesnt feel like trying to say hi to a corporate email thats trying to sound natural anymore i feel like can mess up and is not the end of everything anymore i will still be a person the weird/icky parts of my existance (like my trauma/agere/"atypical" dysphoria/etc) are treated like any other part of me instead of a special forbidden thing that should only exist as a concept or blocked off from everything else and contained or if is somewhere people will see it without spesificly looking for it then downplayed and sanatized with bleach the radqueer and transid communites have problems yea but so does every community and i feel safe to be myself here want to say thank you :3

[dyketubbo]

You claim to be neurodivergent but don’t understand when people like to find relations to themselves in media. Cuz hun that is a BIG part of autism and a handful of other neurodivergencies. Literally finding relations to you own experiences and talking about that is a way neurodivergent people show they care or like something.

1- dont call me hun while youre fakeclaiming me dickbag, especially considering you not only sent this ask but also mentioned me in a post by someone i blocked because theyre an annoyance screenshotting me and again showing why i blocked them (by being annoying and a prick)

2- neurodivergency isnt an excuse for turning colombian experiences into something about you. again. and again. and again. and again, and ill say this 50 more times. you can relate to encanto. i never said you cant, i said people dont have to relate to encanto to like it. this is why i mentioned how people have talked about nd people that arent colombian pushing their nd interpretations on traits that were put in because theyre tied to colombian people (dolores' squeaks, brunos knocking on wood and throwing salt)

i am neurodivergent, this entire blog was made because im hyperfixating on media i like and so i could talk about a character i relate to. i made the post about encanto and have been engaging with fanwork of it outside of this blog because for a brief period i hyperfixated on it, i had characters and experiences in encanto that i relate to, i even projected onto the characters myself, and i still do! i still like queer encanto headcanons, i like nd headcanons, i love seeing people of all communities come together to talk about this movie, but i also know how to engage in media without ignoring the intents of the authors and the intent of things like isabela agreeing to marry a man she didnt want to marry for the family, dolores squeaking, bruno knocking on wood, bruno being outcasted and the family treating him like a nasty secret, mirabel being isolated in her own home..

its. it was made to talk about colombian experiences and homes, about generational trauma and how it manifests in these kinds of communities. it doesnt mean people who arent latino cant relate or enjoy it, it doesnt mean nd people cant relate or enjoy it, but it does mean we have to accept that some media.. isnt something to turn into the next Fandom.

theres, actual social commentary to be found in media, theres messages to seek and lessons to be learned and experiences to learn about and stories to listen to, and hiding behind the excuse of "im neurodivergent/queer/whatever so you dont get to tell me anything" is.. wrong. (and before you say anything, i didnt do the neurodivergent minor meme unironically. its a joke. the person i responded to didnt "call me out on my bullshit", they just insulted me in one sentence, i reserve the right to not give them a fleshed out response and esp reserve the right to block for being an ass) its disrespectful. of course you can relate to being an outcast because youre queer, of course you can relate to being "the strong one" of the family regardless of race.

but encanto is.. based off colombian experiences. you cant take that away from these characters, you cant scrub off their color and nuance and present them as the Next Popular Queer with a fandomized personality and expect for everyone to look at you and go "yep! good job!" if you like and care about encanto, then show some respect. if you relate to it, great! many people do! but.. leave the parts you cant relate to alone.

you can relate to dolores because youre neurodivergent, you can headcanon her as such if you want, because people like that exist, but you should also respect the intent behind the things you may have picked up on as nd. you can headcanon isabela as a lesbian, but you should also respect how her feelings were influenced by the pressure put on her by abuela (as many people pointed out, likely because isabela and mariano may have reminded abuela of her and pedro, ie generational trauma) and the rest of the family, and think about how her discomfort could stem from her independence being disrespected and how stressful arranged marriages can be (especially for young brides, isabelas only in her early 20s and its clear she never spent time with mariano before the proposal, theres no young love, just some young woman being forced into a marriage and accepting because she doesnt want to let people down). you can talk about how queer people (especially qpoc) get isolated from their families and treated as an untouchable subject like bruno was while also acknowledging that bruno wasnt written that way and that even how his family treats him is connected to their culture (and also stop shipping him with his brother-in-laws and nieces boyfriend what the fuck is wrong with some of you people incest is not good queer rep even if they arent directly related)

being neurodivergent and hurt that people are telling you that you may be engaging in media in an uncomfortable way is difficult, i get it. but its.. not an excuse to fakeclaim people you disagree with, and its not an excuse to try and use your experience as a shield against criticism. thanks for listening "hun", now quit bothering me thanks dealing with this shit probably depleted my spoons for like the rest of the year

[anchorandrope]

Don't you get tired of playing dumb? I mean sent you links with screenshots and debunks and yall block them and dismiss them BECAUSE yall conspiracy theorists who can not handle facts. And then yall play victim and pretend yall can't read the facts when yall block them out? How do you live with lying even to yourself everyday? Louis said he was worried about conspiracy theorists and many others are for valid reasons. I won't even start with taking resposibility for your actions.

*sighs*

okay sweetheart let’s make a couple of things clear because your two brain cells dont get tired of saying bullshit

its my blog, i answer what i want, when i want and how i want

i dont have the obligation to respond to absolutely anything that you or someone else tells me. in my blog i answer what i want and how i want; many times i answered you but instead of directly answering your ask i uploaded an “x” or a “.” or gave rb to a post and in the tags i put “@anon this is for u” but of course those kind of answers for you are not valid, you need attention, you need me to upload your stupid ask.

i have no obligation to respond to harassers.

you’re playing dumb, not me

you come to my blog telling me that you have evidence that “debunks” a situation but when i show you proof that yours is false, suddenly you disappear and change the subject, like when you sent me a message saying that rbb and sbb was “debunked” because it was “verified” that it was the sound guy and i gave rb to a post that explained that that was a lie and in the tags i put that it was for you, or like when i told you to debunk everything that was in many links that i put about babygate and from there instead of sending me “proof” that louis is a father you started insulting me.

making a pretext of something isnt synonymous with debunking something

pretext –> a reason given in justification of a course of action that is not the real reason.

debunk –> expose the falseness or hollowness of (a myth, idea, or belief).

if you come to my ask to tell me that closeting doesnt exist, that the industry isnt that bad, that everyone is straight until its “proven” otherwise, that louis and harry treated each other as normal friends, that all the incongruities of briana’s pregnancies are normal, that its impossible to have beards nowadays, etc: surprise! those are pretexts. stop using the word debunk because you are not debunking anything.

raising your point of view isnt synonymous with insulting

raised point(s) –> refers to some ideas or arguments that were put forward by someone in the discussion. once someone has raised their points, anyone might invite everyone in the discussion to consider the points that were just made, in order to discuss the raised points in further details.

insult –> speak to or treat with disrespect or scornful abuse.

so when you tell me to k*ll myself, that louis hates me, that im not a real fan, etc. you are not defending your point of view, you are insulting me.

extra fact: did you know that people who only and just only insult when it comes to defending them points of view is because they are often not sure what they think is true and/or dont feel well informed about it?

nobody forces you to believe in anything

dont you want to be a larrie? dont be an larrie lol, nobody cares if you are a larrie or not, you are an anonymous from tumblr literally nobody cares who you are or what you think.

i wont waste my time answering every message you send me

many, if not most, of the messages you send me, i have already answered them or gave rb or i made a post talking about it. dont you want to take the time to find the answer to your questions? im not going to do it for you.

the one who has questions and wants to answer them, takes the time to search. the one who has questions and doesnt take the time to search is because they doesnt want to know the answer.

i wont change my point of view

i’ve been receiving messages like yours for years and years, i’ve been reading posts from accounts dedicated to just harassing larries and “debunking” larry for years, i’ve been harassed for years. and surprise, im still here. do you really think that your message is so special as to change my opinion? and if you dont want to change my opinion, why are you sending me messages? just to harass me?

if you are aware that you only send me messages to harass me, there is not much i can tell you, since for you harassment is not bad except in certain cases (in the case that the person harassed is you because you only care about you) and that doesnt have to do with a fandom, it has to do with personal values. do you know what the funniest thing is? surely in instagram you make yourself look like an “activist” and anonymously you are this type person...

if you dont like my blog just ignore it

you dont like me? dont follow me, you dont like me? dont look at my blog, you dont like me? block me, you dont like me? ignore me.

you have no excuses to harass me, the only reason you have is because you are my fan, you just want my attention.

harassing is online abuse.

so please stop bothering

also, stop using the “louis hates you for being larrie” because when he was asked about it he literally answered this

kisses and stream the larry anthem

[ikemen-bully]

The Heroine’s Importance

I already posted this on my main blog but now that I have blog exclusively for otome game I rather keep it there.

Back then when Utapri and Hakuouki were the notorious reverse harems of their time, their heroines were as hated as the anime was loved. A weird phenomenon since they’re… the heroine of those shows.

Haruka Nanami was even the driving force of the show. In Utapri, which was an anime about music, she was the one with the idea that the boys should come together and become idols. She’s the reason why STARISH exists in the first place.

For Hakuouki, the case was a bit different. It was a historic anime where the warriors of the Shinsengumi were changed into bishonen (a bit in the similar fashion that Ikemen Sengoku is today) and even if it followed some real events, a plot about human experimentation and oni was also included.

In this story Chizuru Yukimura wasn’t the responsible of the Shinsengumi, but we could see the story through her eyes and assisted the evolution of the story through her.

Both did their job as the heroine. The story was enjoyable.

To me it was weird to try to dissociate the quality the anime with the quality of their heroine. If the heroine was this awful, how her presence didn’t ruin the anime for those who hated her?

Well obviously because of the boys, who were kind of the point of those anime. After all they were put forward, especially in Hakuouki, for a reason.

Still it was unfair to judge them so cruelly, so today in fandom, this behaviour is criticized.

Now we even get positivity for the heroine, such as putting them on an equal foot as the boys! Which is great!

But is it true?

I thought about doing this post because I thought of a short-lived trend in anime which revealed a certain behaviour in both the creators of those anime and their fandom.

“The heroine matter as much as the boys”

The anime which started this trend in my eyes was Amnesia.

In this story the heroine wakes up without her memories and her soul linked to a fairy, Orion, which collided with her and made her lose her memories this way.

It had an original concept, stunning visual, wonderful OST (an opening by Yanagi Nagi!), it looked mysterious and I was very curious about it.

To my dismay, the anime was boring to say the least. And it wasn’t because it was a reverse harem so it was to be expected. Utapri and Hakuouki had their flaws but they weren’t outright uninteresting.

The problem that was the most noticeable was the heroine which didn’t even have a name or a personality.

So as the anime can make you guess, the heroine has amnesia. She’s lost at the beginning of the anime, making this premise interesting. After all when a character has amnesia, one of the points of the story is to make them recover their memories.

Which means that the heroine will be a very important character, even more since everything is from her POV! Right? Right?

The heroine doesn’t evolve throughout the story. She’s merely there for the boys to be in love with her past self, the one before she had amnesia and even if she cares for them (as a heroine always has to do) she doesn’t really love any and just adapts to the one she’s supposed to love in the animated route.

I can’t say that the heroine of Amnesia is badly written since she’s barely written at all. She’s there to support the boys and forgive anything which happens to her. For example being harassed or get sequestrated in a cage :

Even in this situation where the love interest keep her in a cage, she care more about how much he does that to “protect her” :

.Except to protect herself from direct danger (and even like this she needs Orion to tell her to be careful because she can’t think for herself), she doesn’t care about her own well being as much as a normal human being would.

Brothers conflict have a simpler plot where the heroine’s father marries a woman who has 13 sons, making her their only step sister.

Different conflict with the brothers will arise and it’s already challenging to try to develop the characters when there’s 13 of them. With only 12 episodes, not all of them will fall in love with Ema? the heroine, but enough of them will, to make it as confusing as possible.

In this anime we meet the same kind of heroine as Amnesia, where the heroine doesn’t have much personality for herself. Or at least, the only noticeable personality traits of Ema is to love having a family which she will repeat at any given opportunity.

I really hated the guys in this anime for how egotistical they were as soon as they fall in love. Once again the heroine doesn’t crush on anyone, making them all forceful toward her.

Despite this, the heroine would somewhat express that she doesn’t want her relationship with them to turn romantic.

If anything the heroine’s main presence will be about how uncomfortable she is that her brothers try to seduce her.

But again, what matters the most is that they love her, not that she doesn’t return those feelings back and she even gets depressed over it :

A revelation is made about the heroine which will make her depressed about the whole situation, especially that her brothers fight over her.

But it won’t be used to develop her as a character or to make them aware of it. It’ll be used for a romantic moment with one of her love interest, who will kiss her even if he know how much it disturb her :

The heroine is kissed multiple times by attractive guys yes, but who she doesn’t love and explicitly rejects at the end of the anime.

And even if she gets kissed, the heroine is just worried about the situation of the family, not how herself is treated by them. She never says, “what about me? Why are you kissing me when all I want is for you to stop?” or anything similar. She cares about them more than she cares about herself.

And even though she’s supposedly uncomfortable by their behaviour, she doesn’t seem like that most of the time, just enthusiastic about having a family as usual.

At the end of the anime, a lot of people were upset that the heroine didn’t choose anyone. Why would she have to when we see how the guys act?

The behaviour of the boys

A thing that we can notice in all of this is that sometimes, the guys can be really awful to the heroine but as she doesn’t care about herself, she won’t hold any mistreatment toward her person against any of them. For example at the end of brothers conflict even when she reject one of the guys, “no” doesnt mean “no”.

But why are they authorized to be egoistic and possessive without any consequences? In brothers conflict, one of the guys even tries to rape her in her sleep and blame her for that :

But again despite this, I’ve never seen hate against this character, while, like it always happen, a lot of hatred is directed to Ema.

The guys are never hated for their actions because everything they do is depicted as being romantic (even if it definitely aren’t like the scene above) and it’s motivated by their love or their pain anyway.

“Love make them go crazy” because, after all, they can’t help it, they love the heroine so much that some accidents are bound to happen, like trying to undress her in her sleep or keeping her in a cage for her own good :

It’s just an accident! They can’t help it!

But sometime it can perfectly be a conscious choice but again, not shown as being cruel.

The last anime which has this tendency to not develop their main character at all was Diabolik Lovers, where Yui Komori gets stuck with 6 sadistic vampire who abuse her daily.

We enter in the kink theory here, and being masochist and finding the idea of bitten hot isn’t a problem. The problem is that in the story, Yui is blocked in this place and she obviously doesn’t enjoy to be the playthings of those men :

Each time she is bitten she expresses that she wants it to stop. But they don’t care. Because in Diabolik Lovers, Yui isn’t their love interest but their prey.

Again we have the same problem as the other heroines where she has no real personality beside caring about the boys above herself. In this case it’s even worse because the guys are predators who will hurt Yui without any second thoughts, but she acts like they are acquaintances . Despite all the abuse she goes through at their hands she goes to them to casually start a discussion which will always end up with her being abused :

The last time she interacted with him let’s see what happened :

Once again there’s a priorities on her interacting with the boys rather than making her behavior have any sense.

What is weird with this anime, in particular, is how much the heroine is blamed for not fighting back…while she can’t. They overpower her anyway.

But the guys aren’t hated for acting this way in the first place. Isn’t it odd? Yui is victim blamed and even if she suffers, we’re never shown the real impact that such daily abuse would have on her. She even worries about them at the littlest injury they can have :

While they’re the one hurting her :

Or if they ever care about her wound it’s because someone else did it to her and they feel entitled to her body, so they want to fight the other person :

Despite the statement that they’re equal, in anime such as these it’s not the case because the guys are given excuses for their bad behavior, while the heroine has to deal with it and put them above herself.

Still, they’re supposed to be equal so despite everything the heroine can end up to be liked… but in this context it is weird.

In the case of Yui who cares about her abuser no matter what, she gets praised for caring about the guys :

She cares about them without real explanation because all the interaction with her in the anime lead to abuse at some point. It can be the Stockholm Syndrome but it’s not depicted as anything else other than your usual heroine caring about the people around her, even if they abuse her.

As such, people tend to praise her for what she’s designed to do : putting them above her.

She even gets shipped with those who torment her and the self destructive attitude she has to help them no matter how much they hurt her is glorified.

If she is loved, if she matters, why should she be paired with those who hurt her the most?

They don’t lash out to her because they’re upset, it’s a behaviour that they consciously do like above with the cage. You can’t possibly “accidentally” put someone in a cage because you’re “protective”.

But at the end even if the heroine “matters as much as the boys” there’s a priority on them being healed by her rather than her own well being. Even if Yui gets traumatized, it doesn’t matter as much as the trauma of the guys and her neglecting herself for one of her abusers who won’t even care about her happiness, since all they want is to have her.

In the same way, it doesn’t matter that the heroine of Amnesia has been drugged and kept in a cage : Toma, the love interest, does it for her own good since she’s getting harassed and we have to be sad about how much he becomes insane for her sake. We shouldn’t worry how horrific the situation is for the heroine but try to understand him.

For Ema, we have to care about how much the guys have fallen for her and how much it puts a toll on them that she doesn’t reply to those feelings. It doesn’t matter that she shown no desire to be with any of them since the beginning, even when she finally rejects them, they can kiss her because they matter the most.

And in fandom space, her importance is still limited to her catering to the boys, and even if it’s supposed to be mutual love, they never care about her feelings to the point of respecting her.

It doesn’t matter what they do to her, she has to care for them despite anything. Those heroines are written as such, and the fandom accepts them this way too.

She doesn’t matter as much as they do, because if she was, her feelings would matter and she wouldn’t be written as being “caring” at the expense of herself.

You can say that since she’s the heroine, it’s normal that she cares about the boys, since the point of reverse harem is to have attractive boys first. And I would agree with that if it wasn’t so exaggerated.

Now not all reverse harems are written this way. There’s actually reverse harems where the heroine matters as much as the guys.

For example in Dance with Devils, Ritsuka, the heroine, constantly searches to know the truth which is hidden from her. It can seem foolish since it mostly puts her in danger though.

But to this, she also get rightly upset when one of the guys try to seduce her and something literally inexistent in reverse harem, she can even slap him for his misconduct! :

She can even get depressed about how manipulated she ends up to be. For this reason, she end up lashing out at one of the guys :

Her emotions matter and you have to remember that Dance with Devils was out around the same time than the second season of Diabolik Lovers :

The heroine of the anime above never had the right to be sad about their situation, their feelings weren’t pushed forward. They have no right to be sad or upset, just kind and caring and nothing else.

At the end of the anime, Ritsuka even received hate for the choice because it was about herself, not about her love interest.

Amnesia, Brothers Conflict and Diabolik Lovers heroine’s exist only to care for the boys while at least the ones of Dance with Devils exist to have the guys attracted to her but also to pursue her own goals.

As such, it’s a mistake to say that all the heroines matter as much as the boys because it can be factually wrong in the way they’ve been created.

I don’t like that the heroines are automatically hated for being the heroine, but I don’t think it’s fair to praise them just for this reasons either.

They all have been written with different level of writing and for differents purpose, one of them being only there for the guys and not the other way around.  For this reason, they should be judged differently, and people should accept that others will not like all of them.

Reverse Harem heroines are all different because the anime they are in have been done with different sake in mind. Reverse harem are like any other type of anime : with good and bad anime, good and bad protagonist.

And it would be better to accept this diversity than trying to frame all the heroine as the same.

Hopefully now the heroine’s tend to not be written that way anymore and tend to matter as much as the guys in the anime too.

[vampireqrow-moved]

hey so I agree with a lot of the stuff in your post about the transphobia involved in the origin of the pansexual label, but I just have one question: what are the actual impacts of people with good intentions calling themselves pan? If you don't hate pansexuals and consider them bi, why type up a paragraphs long manifesto on the harms of the origin of the label if it means the same thing in the way that most non transphobic people (your audience) use it? a lot of identities can be used in transphobic ways (like bi and lesbian and anything really) and plenty of valid identities from problematic roots and evolve over time as people use them differently (queer, transsexual). so how is a person with good intentions using a not-perfect label in a way you don't like a threat to the community? if someone is using the label pan transphobically, wouldn't their bigotry exist independently? if pan people do not act in transphobic ways besides using the label pansexual, realistically what is changing if they call themselves bi beyond holier-than-thou aesthetic activism? plus, a blog on the internet isn't going to get everyone to stop identifying as pansexual, especially considering multiple prominent celebrities ID as pan. so why spend all that energy quibbling on semantics because some bi people use a slightly different word when you could be worrying about Literally anything else? just feels like you want to find something to argue about lol. extremely disappointed that I had to break a mutual

im going to respond to each thing you bring up chronologically- im not trying to nitpick or prioritize certain things you say ill just forget things if i go out of order and i dont want to miss something important. ALSO! i will be typing less formally (like keysmashes and shortening words n stuff) in this response than my og post bc its 1am as im starting to type this so im tired but i want to be clear that i am like. taking this seriously and im not like. mocking u in anyway if it could read that way?? i hope not but just in case anyways here it goes!

in terms of actual impact people with good intentions identifying as pan: honestly im not  sure the full scope of the impact this has, so ill only be speaking to what ive personally seen which might not be all. but like... id argue my younger self has good intentionals iding as pan. i wanted to support trans people, even if i didnt understand a lot of the nuance involved. as a result of this, i developed a sense of superiority over other bisexuals and a mentality that bisexuality was a primitive and lesser sexuality. that mentality is harmful, and although im not sure if it affected bisexuals around me (of which there are many most of my friends are bi ajfjfjf) its still a harmful mentality and can easily hurt people even if i specifically didnt. also using it even with good intentions, which i know many people have, still spreads and further normalizes a label that imo can not be separated from its transphobic origins. this effect is not as extreme as other forms of transphobia and biphobia by A LONG SHOT. the bi community faces a lot of other issues but that doesnt mean this one isnt worth addressing if that makes sense?

if i dont hate pansexuals: ik this is part of a larger point which i will adress but i specified this in my post bc i see a lot of other posts that are negative towards pansexuality have "i hate pan ppl" somewhere in it or a close equivalent. i do not shame these ppl for their anger, i just wanted to be clear i think a lot of pan ppl are bi ppl with good intentions choosing a label they dont fully understand based on a misunderstanding of bisexuality.

why write a paragraphs long manifesto on the harms of pansexuals origin: ok 😭😭 the real reason here is that im literally just bad at summarizing. like thats literally it. i also like talking, its a bad combination. plus ive been thinking abt this for like. over a year im not even kidding and just like i have a lot of thoughts and figured if i was going to bother making my own post instead of rbing someone elses that i might as well get everything i wanted to say off my chest. ALSO BTW i literally got an ask like a week ago that was several paragraphs long asking me to explain my thoughts on why pan was harmful and some other stuff so like. this is partially responding to that and partially just me wanting to air my grievances ? idk if thats the right expression 😔😔

why write the post if my audience of people who identify as pan arent doing it in a transphobic way ? again sorry i didnt really understand the phrasing so i hope this is a vaguely correct summary!! um but like... again imo i think pan cant be separated from its transphobia and like. again imo iding as pan is like. a transphobic action/choice? obviously one transphobic thing does mean someone necessarily is like officially a Transphobe (it CAN be depending on the action but i dont think that applies here) but that doesnt mean there arent problems with what they did. this is like very complicated, but like. someone doing something harmful without the knowlege that its harmful doesnt make that person a bigot by any means it just means they didnt know. and i feel thats the case here? a lot of ppl (myself included until recently) know next to nothing abt pansexualitys origins so a trans inclusve sexuality might seem like a safe and good bet just because they dont know too much abt it, and like? i cant hate those people cause that was me for 5+ years and djgjfjdj you just dont know what you dont know!

basically i think iding with a transphobic label is inherently a singular transphobic action that doesnt make the person transphobic by itself, but is still a transphobic instance.

a lot of identities can be used in transphobic ways like bi, lesbian, etc.: this is true and a point i attempted to make on my original post, but i might not have clear enough. my issue with pan is specifically that it is a transphobic response to a preexisting identity. lesbian isnt an attempted trans inclusive indentity that replaced an identity that already existed (which have many trans ppl identifying with the og label). transphobes can use whatever labels they want, but transphobes using a label vs a label having a transphobic origin is very different. bigots use inclusive and supporting language for their bigotry all the time but language that originated with that bigotry is worse.

many valid identities stem from problemstic origins (like transsexual and queer) but the words evolve: ok my paraphrasing is a little weird there. anyways. the thing here is that. those are slurs. reclaimed slurs that can be empowering to many people, yes, but slurs nonetheless. reclaiming a slur is taking a harmful word and wearing it as a badge of pride. first off, pansexual is not a slur (ur not implying that in anyway just. saying) and it isnt being reclaimed when people dont treat it as having harmful origins. transsexual is the way some people identify but ppl acknowlege its a slur and originates from transphobia. ppl love to act like queer isnt a slur, which is an issue in and of itself, but just. factually it has historically and is currently being used against ppl with the intent to hurt them. pansexual isnt on the same level as these and other words like the f slur, d slur, etc. pansexual originates from trans and biphobia WITHIN the community and not outside of it, and most pansexuals dont see themselves as reclaiming the title because they dont think anythings wrong with it in the first place. and reclaiming it just seems unnecessary considering its history? theres no empowerment from using pan as a label as opposed to queer or transsexual, and it just divides the bisexual community for no reason.

how is a person using a not-perfect label a threat to the community? ok i dont think its a threat but still an issue if that difference makes sense? id like to reiterate a few things ive said before, but for me personally, it made me look down on bisexuals and see them as lesser, and it made people around me see pan as the "trans inclusive" sexuality as opposed to bisexuality, and basically its usage just leads to further biphobia. is this the worst of biphobia? no!!! but its still biphobia and why not attempt to target and minimize that? i have no way to singlehandedly stop biphobia, but my post might get through to my friends who id as pan and that small thing is better than nothing.

if someone used the pan label in a transphobic way, wouldnt that bigotry be different from people using it not transphobically?: someone claiming all bi ppl are transphobic and only pan is the acceptable label is obviously a lot worse than someone iding as pan and saying bi/pan solidarity but again, the second isnt not an issue because the first one is a bigger issue, its just a smaller issue in comparison. i wouldnt say the bigotry is different, one is just worse than the other, but it still has the same problems.

if pan people dont do anything transphobic other than id as pan then what changes with iding as bi over pan other holier-than-thou activism: its just one less person using a transphobic label? which isnt that big but it might lead to their friends stopping iding as pan and cause fewer people around them to see bi as a transphobic identity. which is small scale stuff, i wont try to blow it out of proportion, but thats still a step in the right direction and hopefully more people follow with it. its not terribly huge or lifechanging but something small that may only affect the people close to you is still something rather than nothing.

a blog the internet isnt going to get people to stop iding as pan: oh absolutely not. honestly i expected to get unfollowed/blocked more than change peoples minds regarding the pan label (im surprised i only lost two followers so far honestly) but again, someone literally asked me to do this and i wanted to be clear on my stance on the label, since in the past ive been supportive of it. im not expecting the post to get more than five likes, its more directed to my followers rather than the internet as a whole. im not expecting a large impact, im hoping to change the minds of my followers and friends who id as and support the pan label. thats it. if something bigger comes from it- great! but thats not what im aiming to do.

prev point + many prominent celebrities id as pan: the first name that comes to mind is someone im not a fan of for separate reasons but thats irrelevant. i mean im repeating myself a bit but some celebrities in the past validated and made me feel excited abt my identity as a pan person when they came out, and it justified the label to me, even when i had doubts. i have never interacted with a celebrity and do not plan to change their minds abt their identity. again, my post was for my friends and followers and maybe who ever was scrolling through the biphobia tag and decided to read my post.

why spend that much energy worrying abt the pan label instead of something else: ive spent waaaaay more energy thinking abt a singular meme i didnt like regarding my favourite rwby character so like. maybe i just overreact to things lol. maybe i have a lot of energy and since i cant talk my friends ears off abt my favourite fruits or the different voting methods i learned in my math class or what would dreams taste like, then i gotta put my energy into something. idk. i have a lot of energy and honestly? this didnt take that much. but i felt it weighing on me as my friends talked positively abt the pan label, when i felt guilty for the superiority i felt over my bi friends INCLUDING my best friend and favourite person in the world so like. i spent enough energy worrying abt it, and like. in hindsight since its been over 12 hours since posting it, im thinking abt it less. i was more worried abt feeling dishonest with my friends than actually worrying abt pansexuality, but i figured i owed them an explanation for why my feelings around it had changed.

just feels like you want to find something to argue about: okay i DO love arguing but im not pulling this out of my ass for fun. its in response to posts ive seen on my dash, asks i recieved abt pansexuality, and my way of letting people know my views have changed and why since i know at least some people are curious.

i am sorry to lose a mutual as well, and i genuinely hope things go well for you, but uh yeah thats that.

again, if people have further questions im willing to answer them i just might take a while bc i have school and other stuff 2 do but uhhh yea sorry if im clogging ur dash sjfjfkkf

[absynthe--minded]

Whatever text or media you were consuming, and you started making meta to point that out. And you were the person who started it. Suddenly one day one of these cishet men decides they don't agree with you, blocks you and starts making counter meta along the lines of "based off of my understanding of the text, there is no sexism or lesbaphobia." Like of course he wouldn't see it the same way you do but that doesnt mean he's right. He cannot experience what you as a lesbian woman can

So I think Tumblr ate the first part of your ask? I saw it, but I couldn’t answer it. I’m gonna respond as best I can though.

First, I hadn’t blocked her because of anything she said regarding race in Tolkien. I blocked her because she was making statements regarding the role of Nenya in the maintenance and preservation of Lothlórien that were contrary to written, Lord of the Rings-published canon. I do that with a lot of people, for various reasons that have nothing to do with my respect for the person. I respect her, and I’ve never attacked her. Honestly I probably should have just unfollowed. I’d forgotten that I’d blocked her, and forgotten entirely that she existed. I said as much in my note to her, which I’ll happily publish in its entirety if you or anyone else wants to see i.

I didn’t start this because of her. I’m rereading The Fall of Gondolin on my own, and independent discussion with a blogger who as far as I know doesn’t interact with her led to discussion of this theory as a part of greater fandom discussion. I’d stopped interacting with her before this became Her Thing, basically. She wasn’t even in my orbit until I started examining things. In fact, when I realized I had blocked her thanks to her post, I unblocked her.

Nowhere in my posts did I say I was interested in disproving her - like I said, I was barely aware she was still active. This wasn’t at all about shouting over her, or stating that she was wrong. I’m allowed, as an academic, to think that a conclusion is poorly supported and to try and verify it. Academia is, in my experience, built on defending ideas with analysis and research. I’m open to whatever conclusion I reach, and if that conclusion is “here are sources to back up her claim”, then great! I’m glad. I’ll have my answer, and when people try and disprove her I’ll be able to contribute sources. I’m trying to educate myself, and explore things on my own personal blog, not get into fights with people I haven’t thought about for a year and a half.

On to the second part of your ask. Let’s say that I became known in some circles of the Internet for arguing that a particular character in a fantasy novel is the Predatory Lesbian stereotype. People are allowed to disagree with me. I encourage that.

If a cishet man started saying “I don’t think this particular text written in another country in another era is exhibiting the Predatory Lesbian stereotype, because that stereotype didn’t exist in the cultural context the book was written in. I’m not denying the text was lesbophobic, but I don’t think that your lived experiences as a lesbian count in this particular situation, so I’m going to independently research and better understand this specific form of lesbophobia”? I’d be fine! Excited to see what he found, even! He’s right - my lived experience doesn’t count here! I’m not magically better at spotting all forms of lesbophobia, or sexism, or homophobia, or ableism, just because I’m an autistic lesbian. It’s not erasing me to say “I think you’re wrong.” That’s just the nature of the beast. Especially since he’s not saying the text isn’t lesbophobic, just that he disagrees with me on the nature of the lesbophobia.

If I bring my own interpretations to the text and I say things like “read through a modern lens, this character looks like a Predatory Lesbian” and my analysis is open and public? I want people to disagree. Bring sources, bring journal articles. Treat me like a colleague, which means “tear my work to shreds”. Criticism is part of the discussion.

Of course, it wasn’t ever about her. As I’ve said multiple times to many different people, I’d forgotten entirely about her, and I blocked her for reasons that had nothing to do with this. I said as much to her, and honestly I’m surprised she’s so angry when nothing I’ve said was meant to be secretive or anything less than public. I don’t delete posts unless I find out they were originated by TERFs or exclusionists or other bigots, there’s no secret lost evidence of my hatred for her.

I’m allowed to try and educate myself in a context apart from her discussion since it wasn’t her discussion I was responding to and as far as I know I’m taking the right route for someone who’s not on that particular axis of oppression. I’m willing to talk to her, and I’ve said as much, but she seems bent on misinterpreting what I say and taking my words out of context.

[alicezan-ncgred]

Bleeding Red

Preface: I’ve been bitching around the bush of this long enough. So, I’ve been really silent on a bunch of stuff that’s been eating me alive which has made me both inactive and unproductive. I’m going to get straight to the point, starting off with the TL:DR from my post on my main blog. Context: An anon asked me if I was alright because I hadn’t updated in a while.

TL:DR You probably didn’t ask this to hear about all the bad shit of my life so here’s the short of it. No, I’m not doing fine. I will try get next weeks post out on time and I’ll work on making up on the lost posts. Updates will return regularly, ‘ite.

Time for the thick and thin of it.

Insecurity and being shafted: I’m stoic, even at my worst I won’t say anything. I’ll push through regardless of my current condition and since I’ve gone years like this, it’s not hard for me to do. In my real life situation, I’m currently in a place of social isolation. This has lead to a somewhat near reliance on Tumblr to be my social outlet. This present many issues.

The main one is that I’m quite the isolationist. This has only been reinforced by many interactions throughout the entirely of my life. Because of this, I can’t say I’ve ever had anything really more than two friends at a time. While in a way this has helped me express myself so well through writing, it’s come at the cost of social skill. I don’t talk to anyone.

With this kind of issue you could easily imagine that the THREE PEOPLE (four now, but very limited) to ever directly talk ended up in a way shafting me. The first blocked and disconnected with me without warning or reason. At this point we’ve been talking to each for about a month and we hit it off very well and then one day, silence. Never heard from them again. That fucked me up hard when I finally realized what happened.

The second person left during the Tumblr P**n Purge. We were talking about how to contact each other on other platforms and then they stopped responding. I had already given contact to other platforms of which they pinged me in any way. Another person that I trusted massively on here just abandoned me and I’m still hurting from that. Wasn’t fair at all.

Then the third person was someone that I been following for a while. This person is actually the reason that I’ve been putting this off for so long. I don’t want them to see this post but they will. I got an ask from them that ultimately turned out to be misinformation. I said I wasn’t mad but I was. I was so fucking angry about it and I’m still kinda mad, but I didn’t want problems. I still don’t. I just didn’t want them to worry about it. This will come back later.

I try my best to be as inoffensive as possible. The problem with that is that much of the things I believe or enjoy are highly divisive. Hell, even my own identity can be seen as offence. I’m bisexual, non-binary (I’m currently still questioning this. I might actually be gender fluid but in the overall scheme, that’s worse than being non-binary), and nonreligious. I’m in a very religious area so you I’m still “in the closet” about much of this IRL. I though it would better online but with how much people are saying bisexuality doesn’t exist, or that non-binary isn’t a valid gender (or that being gender fluid make you insane and you should be locked up) and all the hate people who say they are this are getting, the very community that’s supposed to accept me, HATES me. I had a bi pride flag icon last year during Pride Month. I never doing that ever again. It was terrible.

I’m trying my best to come out of my shell like I said I would when I made this blog but it seems I’m just crawling further into it. People I think I can trust keep setting me up to fall, people I know in real life won’t ever accept my existence if they knew who I really was, and my own mental health problem and self loathing are eating me alive. But that isn’t the total of it.

Crumbling Pillar: I’ve always ended up in the position where things were thrown onto me. In which no one wanted to do, I was stuck with. Because of this not only do I have a severe distaste being around my family (beyond everything mentioned before hand) but I grew to have a negative out look on everything. This effect is still quite obvious in my writings, especially my poems. Out of the 14 poems on my poem blog @washed-soul​, only one has a happy meaning.

The one happy poem was called dreams. Under a metaphor it talks about how a demon kept me trapped in a dark space. I start to get better and nearly break free before I have a negative relapse back to my old ways. The poems ends with the demon putting a end to itself leaving the nightmare in which it was keeping me in to slowly fade away, letting one crack of light peeking through to become a window to a door until one day I walk free. When writing this poem, I never thought I would find myself rebuilding the nightmare but that’s where I am.

I’m done with holding things together that other people have placed onto me. Because of this, issues have began showing in my private life. Issues that should’ve been solved decades ago are only now being addressed. This change in the status quo of my life has caused many issues in my productive and mood. Between everything else I’m too tired to do anything.

Is that a reason, is that an excuse. No it isn’t but it’s the best thing I got as a reason. I’m doing my damnedest to do the best I can but of course, when it comes to the thing that matter I just fall short. Big fucking whopha my intelligence and capability does me if I can’t use it for anything that means a damn.

Meaningless Triviality: I’m a very emotional person. I’m very strongly bound to my emotions and if everything above hasn’t given it away, my emotions are very negative prone. But it just doesn’t stop there, it goes back into my memories. I can only honestly place 3 happy memories for certain that aren’t either A) a dream or B) me escaping reality through my mind. Besides that, almost all my memories are negative. 

People like to throw around the word Nihilist to describe themselves because today's culture is very, god while I hate to use this word, edgy. For those who don’t know a Nihilist is someone who views the world as being completely  meaningless and reject all religious and moral principles. I very truly struggle with this outlook of life. It’s a daily for me to berate myself saying “just kill yourself” or “I want to die” or just shutting down and crumpling up while say “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry” over and over again. Hell, I did that while writing this. 

I take things very hard, even the slightest transgression. I’m so used to trying to make things perfect and because people have the image that I’m the smart one, the mature one, the capable one, I’m left with the over hanging expectation of excellence. Almost no room for margin of error or being human. Since I’m the silent type, I put up no challenge and work to meet it. Only time I get any praise for anything too. 

I guess as a little self promotion to my main blog, for those that have read the very first few updates of my main blog @the-truth-behind-redacted, or read Defiance’s character sheet, while The Machine and Defiance are separate character, they both share the name Machine. That in part is a reflect of said above expectation. How ravenous and inhuman it can be all under the guise of something human. Those characters are the two sides to the same coin. 

Remember how I said I try to be un-problematical and how I try to avoid any potential conflict. In the first segment I told on how I lied about my feelings just so another person didn’t have to worry over something that honestly, in hindsight, wasn’t even really a big deal. But I also said how it consumed me in anger. I just don’t want to bother anyone over anything. It’s part of the reason why I am writing this post, as some way of a self enforced rehab program to get better. 

This absolute consumption of negative emotion has pushed me into a non human state before. I hit a point of absolute mental exhaustion and in such a self enforced bubble of actual hatred I became completely apathetic. I felt numb to everything. I watched and heard of terrible things happening to people, and felt nothing. I watched people lives crumble before them leaving them nowhere to go and LAUGHED. “Just another worthless pathetic worm on this rotting carcass of a planet being hit with the hard reality that life doesn’t care for them. What whimsical pathetic bullshit they deluded themselves with to think otherwise.” This isn’t an exaggeration on how I thought, this is what I actually thought. Which brings me too.

The Mandatory Sob Story: Roll your eyes everyone and get the tiny violin. I guess in order for everyone to exactly understand the place I’m coming from when it comes to mental health I’ll have to detail my experiences. I have a long standing history with mental illness. I have professionally diagnosed OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, and visual and auditory hallucinations. I take 600 mg of Seroquel a day as well as Amitriptyline when needed. I’m also still currently in therapy to deal with said OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, the visual and auditory hallucinations, as well as Suicidal thoughts, and my Nihilism. There’s a reason to why I’m so god damn familiar with mental illness and treatment plans.  

OCD and Bipolarism run in my family on my fathers side. My Father’s Father had them, my Sister has them, my brother most likely has them (however he refuses to see a doctor because he uses said possible mental illnesses as a get out of jail free card. He doesn’t want to be treated and he has FUCKING ADMITTED IT), my father has them, and I have them. I, however, have the misfortune of having it real bad. I said yes to well over half of all the total symptoms when I was being tested (I don’t remember exact numbers but I remember there being three pages worth of common symptoms) which was very worrying to the doctor. I was currently in an inpatient hospitalization program at the time for both suicidal thoughts and actions, and severe depression. 

On that, my graze in with suicide. Before I went into my first inpatient program I was contemplating suicide. I was sat in front of a mirror with a bottle of over the counter medication. It was an unopened bottle of ibuprofen, 1000 200mg tables. What I planed to do was down the whole bottle with benadryl and die in my sleep. I had the small box of benadryl got from the Kroger pharmacy and a hand full of ibuprofen poured out looking directly into the mirror. My suicide note was sitting on the desk on my room with an online copy on my laptop open.

I sat there for an hour in the dead of midnight complicating my life. I had lost all hope in the world, filled with hatred, anger, pain, and despair. I had no god or after life to look forward too, part way hoping that a Hell existed for me to burn in. I hated myself that much. I was close to taking the first handful before before I caught a glimpse of my own eyes in the mirror. In what was in a weird sudden epiphany I realized that I truly did become what I hated but not for any reason I told myself. I became the very bastion of negativity I sought to fight and rid of in what little friends I did have. That was what set off my path to recovery in spite of the medical system. I guess if people care I’ll make a separate post on that. 

Before I move on, I feel I should explain my history with the visual and auditory hallucinations. It should be no surprise that with everything else above, I also had extreme paranoia that led to me having very bad insomnia. Insomnia is, just like most other medical disorders like Depression, Self-harm, Anxiety, OCD,  Bipolarism, is romanticized to hell. Insomnia isn’t having one nights bad sleep where you got 5 hours of sleep instead of 8.

You know what Insomnia is? insomnia is being physical incapable of sleeping despite not sleeping in 2 to 3 day while your body suffers massive agony brought on by this. Muscle spasms and seizing, difficulty breathing, your eyes feeling like fire ants are eating them, and of course visual and auditory hallucinations. Now I already had issues with visual and auditory hallucinations even when I could get sleep regularly but the combined effects of my OCD and Bipolarism made this perfect condition of Insomnia, Anxiety, Paranoia, with the already added in disposition to hallucinations and I felt like I was actually losing my mind. 

My hallucinations presented themselves in three forms. Disassociation of reality, night terrors, or alterations of reality. Disassociation of reality often were complete black out moments. I would lose any perceived connect to reality and enter an episode of my mind. I can’t remember what they actually were but I do remember what it felt like. Cold sweats, anxiety to point where if I didn’t lock up I would vomit, actual physical pain, mind numbing fear, and intense fatigue. 

The second were night terrors often in the form of horrific “things.” I do remember these and most of them were as best as I could describe, forms of things that were vaguely human and formations of industrial machinery. The most vivid one I remember was of a long lengthy apparition that was for the most part human but many locations of it’s impossible physiology were rebar beams and mechanical sockets. It began when I was about to fall asleep and it was next to my window. The thing was making week groaning and gasping sounds before it violently slammed against my window breaking it then letting out a horrific howl that I can’t describe as it tossed itself out followed shorty after with the sound of bones breaking against the dirt. 

Now that might not seem so bad, exspecally with everything that is in horror movies or games now, but keep in mind that was fucking real to me. It was as real as the clicking of the keys of my keyboard as I’m writing this. As real as the chair I’m sitting in and as real as the wall in front of me. As far as my mind was concerned that thing, what ever it was, actually existed. It took me physical touching my window to make sure it wasn’t actually broken and checking outside to see if there wasn’t a body there. This isn’t the type of thing I talk about lightly. 

Finally there is the alteration of reality. This is very simply but it’s something that fucked with me hard. For very little meaning or warning, I would have trouble interpreting the world around me. My hearing and sight would be warped and there wasn’t any real way to tell what I was hearing or seeing was real or not until the episode was over. The way I got through these was the ultimate fake it till you make it. Obviously, very often I failed and this created issue in my schooling. 

Ending Message: I’ve been in a very bad state for a while now and as it is now, no signs of getting better. I also strongly believe my medications are being to fail me which I’ve been telling my doctor and therapist for over a year now but nothing’s been done. Mainly it’s my Depression but insomnia episodes are beginning and my own paranoia been on the rise. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t even look at a creepy image or thumbnail without having a very bad episode. 

I’ve managed to eat something today which was nice but my body is cramping hard. And to possible stave of a possible comment, I’m biologically male. Like I said I’m not in the best head space, or living for that matter. If this gets better, only time will tell. 

[unproduciblesmackdown]

tfw hating life enough for a reeadmooore

‪yesterday afternoon i’d blocked out 3 pgs in my sketchbook & by that night i was thinking like well i’m so close to finished the sketchbook finally (ive been using it about a yr and a half by now) that i could just stop drawing when i hit the end there‬

but i’d mentioned the impending end of my sketchbook space a friend is already in the process of sending over some they havent ever used so that will at least mean if i stop drawing it’ll just have to be because i want to lol

like in this case it’s special b/c of course i’ve had periods where i’m like smh what if i just don’t draw anymore, but that’s tended to be about being frustrated w some element or other of it all. this time it was mostly just that every day of my life i have a tiny bit less motivation or energy or etc. yesterday i was thinking all day about offing myself, which i’d done the day before, and done today too

like, it’s nothing new, i’ve been hating being alive and wanting to kms and only moving in the direction of less disappointment to more disappointment and having to care less about things i previously cared about because for one reason or another things get to a point where it only adds frustration to my life anymore

but despite depression and wanting to die and life being miserble all being Not New, that doesn’t mean that it doesnt matter anymore, because after day after day after day after day after day of it for years and years, you’re in a worse place than you were a while back, even if you do feel the same. even a single day of wishing you were dead the whole time is shitty enough. feeling overall like even if you’re in a good mood now, you know your life is trash and you’re going to go back to feeling bad soon, is also shitty enough

like the thing that drawing had going for me is that, like reading and writing sometimes and even some other shit, it’s something i like to do. i do it for myself, really. but it helps that its the way i trick ppl into being here in the first place to see anything i’m talking about. i have really crap appeal. i mean i’m bad at being appealing thru shit i draw, but it’s still way more of something anybody wants vs like five yrs worth of my text posts. like...i have over 10x more followers than i did on a blog where i rarely drew anything ever

but anyways despite me drawing b/c i enjoy it, i enjoy enjoying things less. always in the middle of that “loss of interest in pleasure” life lol.......it doesn’t really matter how long i do or don’t keep drawing, b/c i mean, it doesn’t much matter to me whether i’m having fun or not. i can be enjoying drawing and still wanting to die, because that’s whats happening lol.....nothing that’s a personal factor of my life is all that important to me, because my personal existence is not that important to the person living it

also it sure hasnt helped that my sense of things like whether my life can get better or i’ll have the opportunity to pursue my nonexistent dreams or live an ideal version of my life that also doesn’t exist are all at all-time lows and only just getting lower day by week by month by year. the only way i can even look at cheering myself up is from a day-to-day perspective. and i can have a slightly more fun day than usual and then be extra down on the very next day b/c of how being a bit less numb means you’re crap-feeling emotions are now game too. and i’m very aware of how, if you’re not in a position that insulates you enough, if things get worse for you, that makes “things getting worse for you” more likely, and it’s an exponential drop that gets harder and harder to climb out of, and even if you move back up a notch out of good luck, you’re still just as likely to be knocked back down to where you were. the odds of me suddenly not only not fucking hating being alive but also having a life that doesnt fucking make me hate being alive? that’s a funny joke

‪also it’s frustrating that whether i feel good or miserable on any given day only really exists if i say something about it in a post like this lol... like i might feel awful one day but if i dont have it in me to spend ages writing about it, which is difficult also b/c putting feelings into words where ppl will only fully Get It if they’ve felt that way too, anyways if i dont write about how shitty i feel and post it then maybe later on when i’m feeling a little better or feeling a different kind of shitty, i also won’t be interested in being like “oh btw i felt awful the other day.” and if i don’t mention it, as far as everyone in the world knows, it was never a thing that happened, so it might as well not have. i mean, as a person i might as well not be happening, especially since i don’t want me to be happening lol‬

and like i was saying to someone the other day, its a lot harder via text to talk about shit b/c like, if you’re with a friend in person, you can talk abt boring or silly things and its easy and makes a good conversation. whereas talking via twitter means it would be clunky and time consuming to layout exactly had empty and depressing my existence is, and silly shit isn’t even worth the energy when you’re having a convo w lengthy gaps in it, so you can only really talk about the broadest, most interesting shit. which i don’t have much of, oh well

i do like talking and talking to people actually, it’s just rough when it’s all a few ppl online, even though i alsp extremely appreciate those people and enjoy the talking. it’s like, chatting to ppl online is like a piece of chocolate cake. it’s delicious and you love it, but it would be amazing if it was the extra bonus on top of getting solid meals every day, instead of it being the only thing you have to eat and you get it maybe once or twice a week and it’s still wonderful and is all the more valuable for it, but it isnt the same as getting enough to eat always, or Knowing you’ll keep getting enough to eat

anyways my social life is always its own special kind of depressing, even when i AM in the same place as friends. you’d have a hard time finding a situation where the concept of What I Have To Say seems interesting or even relevant to other ppl. and im not sure i’ve ever been in groups where i feel totally comfortable with everyone there and don’t feel out of place. so talking about the idea of knowing you always have access to someone to talk to or be with in person or having friends who you know you can hang out with and they actually like you and you still expect to have them a few yrs down the road—all that’s always been a “well, in theory i mean” or “at least, i imagine it would be like that” issue for me

tbh i generally feel the most comfortable enjoying myself when i do something alone; maybe it’s because i have more experience of ppl im around treating me really shittily than treating me well

ohhhhhh wellllllllllllllll what else do i have to talk about. hmmm the fact that feeling like i wanna die only seems to be regarded as an issue of “well are you gonna or not,” aka if you havent its a Victory and a happy situation instead of it being a matter of EVERY DAY I’M A CONSCIOUS ORGANISM I WISH I WAS DEAD AND MY EXISTENCE HAS BEEN HEADED IN THAT DIRECTION FOR AT LEAST THE LAST HALF OF IT

like how heartwarming that i’ve been actively suicidal for how many years? 6? 8? but i havent yet!! i always want to but just never get around to it and so this time for sure lol no more fooling around!! oh dammit and there goes another birthday still alive. like this is some elusive new years resolution or novel i mean to write.

funny i mention it because there’s practically nothing anymore that i want to do. even if i THOUGHT my life would ever become okay, i want fuckall out of it. i only exist, baby............and it’s like i said earlier, whenever i try to come up with a sad amount of potential motivations NOT to die, i have to realize that none of the shit is actually for me, or directly about me, or centered on me. like, this shit lost its charm ages ago.

well anyways. i suppose thats all i can think to say now. and it doesn’t make a difference whether i talk about my shitass existence and how crap i feel or not. it just gives the chance for a bit of it to exist in the world via a few other ppl being aware of it for a few minutes maybe, because who DOESNT want to thoroughly read a shit essay by some random weirdo about how everything sucks. the end

[storytaeme]

thoughts on the c/upcakke debacle just because !!! i have so many!! things to say!! 

don’t read if you don’t feel comfortable.

ok li s t e n i have a whole list so if anything read thru the entire thing or dont read it at all because i dont need to be misunderstood

yes, it is wrong for the fans to attack cupcakke with death threats and racial slurs — that is NEVER ok. like ever. do not do that. it’s a shitty thing to do to pull a witch hunt on someone. nobody ever deserves to be treated that way or be subjected to that kind of mentality. those people should apologize for what they’ve done

second of all, people making posts about c/upcakke and defending her please see the whole picture

yes, jk is an adult, he’s perfectly capable of handling his own problems and this kind of predicament. but it doesnt mean he deserves any less respect than what that person gave him

yes, hard stans exist but they don’t tag bts, nsfw blogs/twts usually block bts, they don’t interact with bts directly!!!! Christ it’s not that hard

“but there are still those out there!!!” are you going to talk down an entire community and ignore those who have been respectful just for the sake of defending someone who talked about him like that

“she didn’t even @ them in the hard tweet” she is a freaking verified account, what if by chance they happen to see her saying “check ur dms” (and yes im aware she cant even dm them cause they dont follow her) and end up checking her acc and lo and behold whats the first thing they see???? army’s and people supporting her twt and actions wow

“fanfic writers do worse” “y’all are supporting fanfic writers to put them in ____ situations” – listen can we not equate fanfic writers to sexual harassers. it’s completely different. we’re not mailing our stuff to the boys or chasing after them to read it. 

have you seen how fanfic writers are??? the majority of us/them treat bts with so much respect and love them undeniably

we don’t tag them in anything written about them uNLESS IT’S OUR LOVE FOR THEM. 

( legit most of the arguments here use fanfic writers as a target, w h y i just dont understand )

IT’S ALL ABOUT RESPECT. not about being a hard/soft stan, you can be a soft-boiled stan and it still wouldnt sit well. 

she did not apologize for her actions, nor did she take into consideration the hundreds of fans that told her that it was wrong and to take down her tweet. a lot of them were speaking rationally so i dont see why she “wouldnt know what she was doing was wrong”

newsflash: people told her what she was doing was wrong. people explained to her. did she listen? no.

“she doesn’t know jk might not like it” ummm do people enjoy being harassed? 

it’s really not just because she’s black, it wouldn’t sit well with anyone if anyone else did the same thing. no matter what race/ethnicity that person is. 

again, SENDING DEATH THREATS/RACIAL SLURS IS UNACCEPTABLE. it’s not the way to solve this problem. an apology should still be made by those parties involved

but before you go on and say that army’s chased her out of twt and social media, i think it’s also time for her and all of us to reflect on our actions.

but if you do disagree with any of the above, please message me directly. i’d rather have a rational argument rather than anons chasing after me and calling me out.

[watcr]

Rules 🟡 About 🟡 Bio & Misc

DISCLAIMER: This is not intended by any means to be an entirely serious rp blog. This is originally based based in Grand Theft Auto 5. And was created in a custom Grand Theft Auto Online server by Markiplier and thusly portrayed by him whilst he played. If anything this is a Crack!Role Play blog that looks well put together Face claim and all but I'm really just here for rediculous interactions and wild hijinks with a clueless dad delivery man. That being said: any backstory and the creation/ videos/ acting itself belongs to Markiplier. I'm simply just writing a character that I enjoy and makes me laugh.

Please Note: This blog will still contain highly suggestive content and situations with a comedic take on them. This includes being robbed, murder, drug use, hostage situations and then some. I mean-- Stan was made in Grand Theft Auto.

RULES/ General Info:

This is a side blog to my main: mxrkedfordeath

Para/ Novella writing length

Primarily dash/mobile profile

18+ no ifs ands or special cases

Again: this is a Satirical/Crack/Meme role play blog. Expect rediculous things to be said and done

NSFW present/ Friendly

Non-Selective; as mentioned above I created this blog for fun. If any of this meme I have created interests you please feel free to send me a DM or ask and let's see what wild hijinks we can get Stan into huh?

Although the voice is provided by an internet personality that is where this ends. I am still uncomfortable with interacting with blogs that portray real life people or influencers/ internet celebrities. I'm not going to have Stan rob someone with a celebrity that is real. It's...its uncomfortable.

Considering my reason I made this blog and the nature of it, random starters or asks are welcome! If it's a weird situation, place or even different universe I will make That Water Boi lore friendly.

That being said however: please do not include oneself in a thread that you are not involved in.

Absolutely no personal blogs

OC friendly

Crossover/AU friendly

No Godmodding

No hate/ harrassment

Multimuse and Sideblog friendly

Unless featured or seen in the Stan The Water Man videos by Markiplier there will be no preestablished anything. Unless it is Kiki, or Jimmy Stan does not know you and this naive man child will greet you very horribly as he always does.

Shipping: I do allow it but dont think its going to be very serious either. When he sees you ladies? Its literally hitting the jackpot if you get more than a few words that are even close to coherent. So yes. If you wanna simp or thirst over stan that's cool just know that his skull is thicker than a military bunker wall.

•Memes, asks, and shitposting alike is pretty much this whole blog. Stan is a sweetie but hes not close to being the uh... brightest bulb in the box.

About:

Stan or Stanley Wheeler is a 39 year old delivery man and a family man. He strives to please those around him with wonderful water and his company.

Still a delivery man with his new life after a difficult divorce and loss of custody of his "Sweet baby boy Roy" he focuses on bettering his life as a means to be reunited with his son.

He is always well hydrated and firmly believes in comfort and efficiency instead of style.

(About if you stumbled into this shit show):

This is a role play blog for an original character created by Markiplier in a custom Role Playing server for Grand Theft Auto V. It's quite literally a chaotic whirlwind where the main protagonist is a 39 year old divorcee whose love for water is concerning... but not so much as the mans gullible nature and far to generous personality.

This is really only a summation because there are literal HOURS of videos of Markiplier playing Grand Theft Auto and being the voice of Stan Wheeler during his adventures in Los Santos. It features amazing improv and the ever expected rediculous chaos that ensues in Grand Theft Auto.

Bio:

Name: Stanley Wheeler

Gender/Gender Identity: Male

Age: 39

Face Claim: Chris Evans

Voice Claim: Marikplier/ Mark Fischbach

Romantic/ Sexual Preferences: Questioning/ Unsure

Nick names: Fanny pack, Water boy, Sunflower

Personality: Generous, Optimistic, Friendly, Oblivious, Awkward, Curious, Helpful, Trusting

Occupation: Courier, Delivery Man/Boy, Water Delivery Man

Favorite Color(s): Blue & Yellow

Likes: Water, Fanny Packs, Sunflowers, Biking, Work, His Son

Dislikes: Coffee & Soda, Lying, Fighting, Talking to women (watch the episodes to know)

Hobbies: Biking, Boating, Spending time with his son, Meeting new people

Quirks/ Other Traits: Has a strong....Love for water, Suffers from a yet to be diagnosed but constant seizing of bodily muscles that occasionally cause harm, A REAL Virgin 'Dad', Amazing at lockpicking, Terrible Driver

Final Note/ Disclaimer: Again, although this blog is for fun from a truly chaotic and hilarious improvised playthrough of a unique online role playing server for Grand Theft Auto V, please REMEMBER what game Markiplier created and voiced Stan in. Just because Stan is clueless doesnt mean the subject matter is. A lot of dark humor and shady if not bad situations arise in Mark's videos and I really do want people to know that although this is all in good fun the dark unfiltered comedy of Grand Theft Auto is still going to be followed in this portrayal. That means Stanely would very well (and has) ended up robbing people, kidnapping, Killing people or being an accomplice, Jokes based upon sexuality, Gender and then some. Of course before writing I will ALWAYS discuss subject matter that you would like to avoid but unless stated the aforementioned or to those whom have watched the adventures of Stanley know just how inappropriate and harsh/blunt/in your face comedy that is present.

Not only one final disclaimer as to how nsfw Stanley's life and choices end up being-- but giving credit is where it is due; Markiplier. He literally Created Stanley Wheeler and his uh... well him. And brought Stan to life via voice and gameplay. Stan never is and never was mine he's just a character.

Mun absolutely DOES NOT ≠ Muse

Stanley Wheeler-- is an idiot that makes horrible decisions and let's horrible things happen around him. I do not reflect any of the jokes or encounters featured in the gameplay series. I just so happen to enjoy comedy (albeit quite a bit can be not PC) and a good story. Literally this blog came out of a joke my best friend made at 4 am after binging Stan The Water man saying I should make a role play blog for Stanley Wheeler. And so? I did.

Important Note: Activity and response time

Updated: 04/10/2020

I made this blog for myself for fun and the same goes for the people I meet/ interact with. It will be sporadic at best. If I feel like it expect meme or shitpost worthy spamming of the Water Delivery Dad we got but never deserved.

Neither my main nor is Stan a job. Quite bluntly most times when I go inactive I'm literally just doing something else. Anything else.

That ties in to the fact that although I am non selective I am still allowed to say no. And expect reciprocated respect if I say no for ANY reason. I dont owe anyone anything and just like everyone else here this is for fun and enjoyment purposes. This is not our job, and we have nothing forcing us to do this.

But - I am fine with a poke at me and my noggin' every once in a while. I do a lot of things and I cant even remember where I put my vape or phone after 5 minutes. That means I forget. And I do. A LOT. And I can admit that.

MUN & MUSE RULE ZERO: Absolutely no Drama, Vaguing, Callouts, Harassment, Hate or insults/ criticizing on how you THINK the muse I write SHOULD BE.

I'm chill. And I legit hate social confrontation to the point I cry in front of people face to face if it is too much, too hurtful, too angering.

I don't care if someone said something shady our of character that one time or that you think an individual deserves to be directly blasted in front of numerous people.

I dont care if you think that just because I wrote a characters sexual or gender identity outside of what you like.

I dont care how many times you ask or dm me to respond or plot when I had already respectfully declined.

Of course hate and harassment is something I do care for-- because its quite literally just pure toxicity. If you do this you will be ignored and blocked or even reported depending upon when transpired.

All I ask is to be treated kindly in return as I treat everyone until I am given reason not to. That's it. Literally. I am 22 years old and have no patience for any of the aforementioned.

Quite frankly to me it's childish and quite often comedic or petty in my eyes to even have callouts and vauging exist.

I am only addressing this because of the years and various muses canon and original alike I have been harassed for interactions, sent honestly some pretty vile anons, and plenty of messages telling me "X is actually supposed to be gay." Or "no actually they dont like X", I've been called out for literally some of the most childish reasons and my being honest and blunt upset people-- or the word 'No' was not existent in their vocabulary.

And finally-- if for any reason in the RPC someone I am Mutuals/ Mains/ Friends with or just an acquaintance I like talking lore with is involved in any drama I do not want to hear it nor do I care if it does not directly involve me. In fact even then I dont want to unless said person comes to me privately and talks like an adult should rather than throwing a tantrum behind your laptop because someone said an awful word, or beliefs were disliked-- literally any reason or post of a callout. I'm not here for it.

If there is EVER a problem dont be afraid to message me PRIVATELY and talk it out like two mature adults. If I did something to upset you? Let me know I want this blog ESPECIALLY to be for the sake of laughs. Has it been a good month since my last reply? Just send me a lil' hey or just check in. Have I not replied? Its probably just me as the Mun having an awful attention span for anything that isn't hands on.

The Mun:

Look I know the novel above for one singular subject is actually very unfortunately neccessary for me.

My career and as a person have me not only practically programmed but I am openly blunt/ "real" with people.

I am not going to say something you want to hear. You might not like my saying no to a thread but my goal is to be honest and respectful to everyone.

And not only that I'm tired of not covering my ass and trying to pretend this doesn't happen to me behind the scenes or on blast for all to see.

If I plan on sending a private message apologizing for an upsetting subject I wrote of or simply discussing conflicts/ issues privately I hope to god that you who are reading this has the same common courtesy.

Regardless if my blunt sometimes told "Too much" honesty is why I disclose my absolute refusal to negative interactions I really am chill - and occasionally way too excitable or talkative.

I really do love meeting plenty of new people and writers alike in the role playing community as a whole and very much enjoy trying new plots/ ideas out unless it is unreasonable to the plot.

If you wanna just be meme traders for a fellow beloved Fandom or RPC? Ok. I'll try to find some just as good to make the meme trade a fair one.

You wanna make a thread all about how gullible a muse is? Sure!

Maybe even send a thirsty or shitpost worthy ask? 100%

Or do you just have a question about the Muse/Mun/ Or Writing? Go ahead!

I love and live for the angst and self authored stories to Headcanons or missed plot points on muses. The ways so many different types of relationships between characters form and change. But I would also smash the yes button if someone asked me how I felt if someone swung into the ask Simping on lovely Water Boy? Go for it because again; fun. Let's cackle over his style choices or his horribly abused kindess/ trust.

I'm a human guys let's not worry about anything else but the fact we're all here for the same thing: and that's fun and enjoyment as well as having an ability to flex our creative side. It doesnt matter how fantastic or bad (This mun right here) is at edits manips or coding for the theme. We all learn and grow and I just wanna have a good time and I'm sure every normal person that's not a psychopath wants to have a happy healthy safe and fun environment for roleplay/writing.

Thank you for reading this if you did. Any questions? Want Stan to be your water bottle toting and Fanny Pack Efficiency having man get stuck in a plot with your muse? Feel free to hmu send in an ask or meme etc.

I dont bite unless someone bites me with their attitude. I look forward to meeting/interacting/and memeing with everyone.