#if sam had done something like that with lisa/ben dean would have lost it

[sammy-the-boyking]

dean sending sam a fake text from amelia in s8 and showing absolutely no remorse about it (and in fact, sticking by it and saying he made "the right call") is fucking insane actually

[angelsdean]

What bothers me with DeanLisa is that Sam pushes Dean toward Lisa because of something Dean fantasizes about... 40 years earlier. Before the Apocalypse, before knowing angels and God exist, before being tortured 30 years in Hell (and spending 10 years torturing)... Sam, being oblivious, doesn't take any of that into account. Dean has changed too much since he dreamt about this for their relationship to work (I think DeanLisa could have worked if they were both in the same mindstate than s3 but)

yea there are a lot of reasons why deanlisa was never going to really work out in that context. i think if circumstances had been different then maybe. but i just have a lot of issues with deanlisa, they're not my fave and i can't get over how plot device-y they are, but that's an issue with the writing and i don't actually hate lisa as a character or anything. i know a lot of multishippers like deanlisa so i don't wanna step on any toes and i think in fanon, giving them more depth than the narrative ever did helps make them more interesting and complex. but when i'm like putting my analytical hat on and looking at what the text actually does and critiquing what they actually gave us versus what they didn't give us or what they could've done it's well :/ like narratively she, and ben, are presented as this ready made family fantasy and that's about it. that's their sole "function" and lisa never gets much depth or complexity to her character and it's just very :/

i think dean has a huge heart, and i while i def question him showing up out of the blue to move in with a woman he knew collectively maybe 2 weeks out of his life, i do think dean IS the kind of person who "falls in love" a little bit with everyone he meets that treats him with genuine kindness and affection. and i think there are different degrees and shades and intensities to that "love" and it's not always the kind of One True Love definition of love. like he also only spends about 2 - 3 weeks with cassie but says she was his first love. and that love is important and meaningful but also very different from say, his love for cas which gets 12 years to grow. but neither is "better" than the other, they're just different! so like, i think he definitely cared for lisa and loved her in some way, and maybe if, like you said, circumstance had been different, they could have worked out and maybe grown to really love each other deeply. but in the circumstances they were in it always felt a little doomed. (here's a really good post about this).

as much as we can debate whether dean really loved her or not, i think dean would probs Never have sought her out if sam hadn't pushed him toward her w/ is "dying wish" of dean being a happy little suburban man. i don't think dean was thinking abt her all those yrs or holding a torch for her. and dean might've wanted that fantasy family life at one point but yea for dean those dreams were a long time ago. i think by the end of s5 dean doesn't really think that life is in the cards for him anymore.

my reading of the situation is: dean is numb with grief. dean has lost nearly everyone (bobby's still around but that's about it, and they don't seem to be in contact). dean is trying to honor his brother's "dying" wish. except sam isn't actually dead! (i forget who brought this up but i saw it recently and!!!!) sam literally isn't dead when he goes into the cage !!! he's spending eternity being tortured by the devil as far as dean knows. i think that would cause dean a great amount of stress / worry / anguish on top of his grief. i don't think dean would be able to just move on and play happy family forever. so, he's numb, depressed, going through the motions, and holding on to this one (1) thing he now has, this perfect little family. and it's what he should want !! it's what he used to dream about !! but so much has changed. and he cares about lisa, he does. she's great and she's trying to help him. and ben is a great kid and dean loves him too. but it was never going to work, not really, because dean's issues are SO huge and all encompassing at that point AND this life wasn't really his choice. it's not what he would have chosen if sam hadn't nudged him in that direction. he's there, and he's trying, but it's not enough. he's got unresolved hell trauma, unresolved grief, probably constantly thinking abt sam being tortured in hell by the devil after dean very recently spent 40 yrs !! in that place. he's also lost cas, his best friend, who in dean's eyes abandoned him for heaven. based on past and future behavior he's probably also feeling like he doesn't deserve to be alive, possibly is passively suicidal. he's got a lot going on, and of course you don't have to be perfect or have your shit together to be in a relationship, but i don't think dean was in the right place to be in a relationship or to be playing the role of suburban dad and husband. and i think that's kind of the point, i think the narrative wants us to see that friction and see the cracks in the fantasy.

[i-make-fun-of-spn-characters]

do you think dean winchester believes in life after love? Or can he feel something inside him say "I really don't think you're strong enough, no?"

.

I think it depends? Sometimes he weathers deaths okay (obviously sad—usually more visibly upset than anyone else—but managing). Other times he's done things that definitely suggested the answer was "no". Like after Sam's death in season 2, or after he lost Mary and Cas and Crowley at the end of season 12. But then there was season 6 which opened with Sam dead (as far as Dean knew) and Cas AWOL, and Dean was managing with the help of Lisa and Ben.

I think if you asked Dean that, he'd probably say "no", but I think a lot of people would say that if there was just no one they loved left at all. I think Dean typically has people he's able to fall back on when he loses someone. There's also what Dean believes about himself (which is probably that he can't make it without core members of his family) vs what's true, and I personally think that Dean has the capacity to build connections with almost anyone and form a family around himself and rebuild. This is what he does for most of the show after losing family like John, Ellen, Jo, Ash, Bobby, Benny, Kevin, Charlie, Crowley, etc. He just keeps rebuilding. I do think the end of season 12 is a turning point where we see this rebuilding become much harder for Dean—like maybe it's all been destroyed a few too many times and he's kind of like an exposed nerve, and he needs to withdraw to kind of protect the core of himself with just Sam and Cas close to the chest.

This is actually—I think—also probably related when it comes to what I said about Dean and Jack in the prev mail, because look—it doesn't take a lot to see that when they lose someone, Dean almost always takes it the hardest because he loves so deeply, and that must be difficult, and after a while, the idea of opening up your really sensitive heart to yet another person who could be taken away/go darkside must be terrifying to consider bearing yet again. Jack is a lovely kid, but also represents an... uncertainty. His got a really scary dad, a tenuous grasp on a LOT of power, a lot of people after him, etc. Sam is a constant Dean depends on, and while Dean can't depend on Cas to be a team player, he can depend on him to always come back—death never sticks to him. Plus Sam and Cas are already in there and Dean can't just... stop loving them.

I do want to be careful with this ask tho, because I think a lot of people think about the finale when they see an ask like this and think either 1) Dean lost Cas so he wanted to die or 2) Sam could live on without Dean but Dean couldn't live without Sam so it had to shake out the way it did in the finale. I personally reject the notion that Dean wanted to die or let himself die in the end because he lost Cas. Dean specifically says in that scene that he didn't want to die, that he was scared, and thought he'd have more time. I also reject the notion that Dean could never live without Sam—particularly because we've seen him do it (also that's a stupid reason to justify him dying the way he did).

[liopleurodean]

The Road So Far: Season 6

Holy smokes. What a ride.

If you're new, this is my recap/reflection on season 6 of Supernatural. You can find all of my previous commentary under the "ashla chick flick moments" tag (or block it, if you so wish. I don't mind.)

Well. Where do I even start? The beginning, I guess.

Dean got out. That's... so monumental. Obviously, it didn't last, but I truly believe that if the Winchesters were less famous then he could have made it. I understand why people don't like Lisa, but I can still see them being good together, and I think that he really did love her, and he absolutely loved Ben like his own. Speaking of Ben, the kid's acting was... not great, but it's a child actor, so I'll give it a pass. As it is, I'm a firm believer that Ben is Dean's son, biological or not.

I guess we have to talk about Sam, huh? Man, there were so many times when I wanted to just. Slap him. Or punch him in the face with a brick. Either would work. Even when he got his soul back, he got right back into his pushy self. I get that he wanted to "atone," but he really just did not get it.

Speaking of slapping people, Cas. Oh my stars, this angel is so stupid. Like, yeah, the boys could've been more appreciative for what he did for them, but could really not see when he went too far? 6x20 The Man Who Would Be King almost made me feel bad for him, but he wouldn't back down even when it was clear that something was wrong.

This has been really depressing, so let's get into the fun stuff! Holy cow, this season had so many bangers. Count 'em up: 6x02 Two And A Half Men, 6x05 Live Free Or Twi-Hard, 6x09 Clap Your Hands If You Believe, 6x15 The French Mistake, 6x17 My Heart Will Go On, 6x18 Frontierland, and 6x21 Let It Bleed all make my list. My favorite is probably gonna be Frontierland, which is honestly one of the lesser episodes on this list, but I have reasons: 1) the Good Omens parallel was absolutely hilarious even if it was unintentional, and b) I've always thought that Samuel Colt was cool since way back in season 2. This only made him more awesome. And anyway, watching Dean in the Wild West was hilarious, if a little embarrassing. Sorry dude, but you should've known Hollywood would make things look weird.

One thing that I will say about this season is that it's all over the place. I think, after wrapping up the story all nice with a bow in season 5, they didn't really know what to do, so they just kind of improvised. It was a risky gamble, but it paid off with one or more of the fandom's favorite episodes, and one of the most memorable characters. There were multiple story arcs moving at once (Eve, Soulless!Sam, Ben and Lisa, Cas vs. Raphael) and all of them managed to fit seamlessly together. Despite all of the development that had to fit in a regularly sized season, I didn't really feel like it was rushed, especially not compared to the end of season 5. They managed to blend everything together while still keeping it manageable to understand.

Mostly, I just felt bad for Dean. In the span of weeks, he lost his semi-girlfriend, his son, and his best friend, while still juggling the emotions from his brother's close calls as well as everything else going on. Obviously, he's not the only one struggling (Bobby Singer deserves a vacation) but man, Dean needs a hug and a nap, and then another hug when he wakes up.

Baby. My beloved. The most important object in the universe. Not a prop, but one of (if not the) greatest characters on the show.

I'm so sorry. Baby deserved better. I mean first of all, you're telling me Dean just left her to sit in a garage for a year while he messed around in a station wagon? Who are you and what have you done with Dean Winchester.

And then the Mustang. That made me sick. I couldn't even look at it, it was just horrifying. And then Balthazar played it off like it didn't matter!!! That's the most important object in the universe jerk!!! Pay her some respect!!!

And she got wrecked at the end! That car has been through so much, and she does not need to be crashed into every position possible. She deserves better. Every time something bad happens to that car I die a little inside.

Well, enough about Baby (there will never be enough about Baby). The next season is supposedly about Leviathans, which could get very interesting. I could be wrong, but I also think maybe we meet Charlie next season? Well anyway, this one is usually considered as sort of the "forgotten season" (like Adam), so we'll see how it goes. I'll get started within the next couple of days. Carry on!

[deanwinchestergf]

and why would an angel rescue me from hell? good things do happen dean. not in my experience. i'm not here to perch on your shoulder. i was getting too close to the humans in my charge. you. to everything there is a season. you made an exception for me. you're different. for what's worth, i would give anything not to have you do this. i learned my lesson while i was away, dean. i serve heaven, i don't serve men and i certainly don't serve you. but you guys aren't supposed to be there, you're not in this story. yeah, well, we're making it up as we go. i'm hunted, i rebelled and i did it all, all of it, for you. so what i'm thelma and you're louise and we're just gonna hold hands and sail off this cliff together? i need your help because you're the only one who'll help me. that's a pretty nice timing, cas. we had an appointment. what happened to you cas? you used to be human, or at least like one. but cas, you'll call right? if you get into real trouble? this is cas, guys. he has gone to the mat cut and bleeding for us so many freaking times, don't we owe him the benefit of the doubt at least? it sounds so simple when you say it like that, where were you when i needed to hear it? i was there, where were you? i'm doing this for you, dean. i'm doing this because of you. but we were family once, i would've died for you, i almost did a few times. i've lost lisa, i've lost ben and now i've lost sam. don't make me lose you too. cas, you child, why didn't you listen to me. you used to fight together, bestest of friends, actually. if you remember, then you know you did the best you could at the time. you have fallen in every imaginable way. the very touch of you corrupts. sorry but i'd rather have you, cursed or not. well, i'll go with you. i prayed to you cas, every night. cas, we're getting out of here, we're going home. i mean you kept saying you didn't think it would work, did you not trust me? talk to me. cas, it's me. we need you, i need you. i won't hurt dean. cause you didn't trust me? you didn't trust me. please, man, i need you here. nobody wants him here more than i do. you gave us an order, castiel, and we gave you our trust. don't lose it over one man. you really believe we three will be enough? we always have been. his true weakness is revealed. you draped yourself with the flag of heaven but ultimately, it was all about saving one human. i'm glad you're here, man. how are you, dean? and then you'll kill the angel, castiel. now that one, that i suspect would hurt something awful. and when you turn, everyone you know, everyone you love, they could be long dead. everyone except me. i'm not gonna send lucifer into battle inside cas, what if he doesn't make it? it's not an it, sam. it's cas. but you're always there, you know? i could go with you. you mean too much to me, to everything. i'm gonna cure you of your human weakness, same way i cured my own. it's a gift, you keep those. you mean we? yes, dumbass, we. we lost everything and now you're gonna bring him back. we got cas back, that's a pretty damn big win. just don't get dead again. it's good to hear your voice. so this is goodbye? but i swear if he did something to her, if she's- then you're dead to me. either get on board or walk away. i don't know what's god and what isn't, and it's driving me crazy. dean, you asked what about all of this is real. we are. you used trust me, give me the benefit of the doubt, now you can barely look at me. i think it's time for me to move on. you didn't deserve that. since when do we get what we deserve? maybe if you didn't just up and leave us. i left but you didn't stop me. i should've stopped you. you're my best friend but i just let you go. and i forgive you, of course i forgive you. i'm sorry it took me so long, i'm sorry it took me til now to say it. you did it cas. okay, cas, i need to say something. you don't have to say it, i heard your prayer. well, here's to being right. you know what every other version of you did after gripping him tight and raising him from perdition? they did what they were told, but not you.

i know how you see yourself, dean. you see yourself in the same way your enemies see you. you're destructive and you're angry and you're broken, you're daddy's blunt instrument. you think that hate and anger, that's what drives you, that's who you are. it's not. and everyone who knows you, sees it. everything you've done, the good and the bad, you have done for love. you raised your little brother for love, you fought for this whole world for love. that's who you are. you're the most caring man on earth. you are the most selfless, loving human being that i will ever know. ever since we met, ever since i pulled you out of hell, knowing you has changed me. because you cared, i cared. i cared about you, but i cared about sam, i cared about jack, i cared about the whole world, because of you. you changed me, dean. i love you.

[the-night-moves-writing]

Good For You

Dean Winchester X Gender Neutral Reader

Summary: Takes place right after Swan song, Dean leaves the reader for Lisa and the apple pie life, after Sam's death

Warnings: General angst and sadness

Characters: Past Dean x Reader, (Platonic) Sam x Reader, Lisa (mentioned), Ben (mentioned)

Word count: 881

A/N: This is my first time writing anything for this so feedback is very appreciated

A/N 2: If you wanna part two let me know, i kinda tried to leave the ending open in case i wanted to come back but for now its a one shot.

Dean left me, I didn't leave him. All of this for her where the grass on the other side wasn't all that greener. I know what he just went through losing Sam but he forgets that I lost my best friend. All I ever wanted was stolen from me, by death, by her, so I guess he got what he always wanted.  Good for him. I'm so sorry that I could never be enough for him, how could Lisa, was it because of her son, Ben. Does he even remember me in his new life? I don't think so, but I hope it is everything he ever wanted. Dean’s life was agonizing where leaving me was better than staying. After working through the death of my bestfriend i had to work through this.

The stages of grief are a weird way to put it because Dean's not dead. That's what it was though, first denial. Those first couple of days were rough, not feeling anything. I thought I would wake up and he would still be there, him and my best friend. They didn't weren’t and when I would get up it would all hit me again. Like a train flying off the track and I was the conductor. Then the pain came next and it hurt. The man that told me we would get married someday, that told me he loved me left. I had no one to turn to so looking at pictures was the way that I coped with losing both of them. I couldn't figure out how to make the pain go away so I drank and drowned my sorrows.

The only thing at the bottom of that bottle was anger. I thought about going and finding him all the time. I thought that maybe i could fix it, whatever was wrong i could fix it but he was the one who wouldn't let me. I could knock on his door and drag him away from there, I could fix it if he gave me a chance. He didn't, but did it cross his mind to be even slightly sorry. Does he even care that he might be wrong? That we could work it out, but maybe if I shut my mouth and watched him leave and let him go would that be good for him? Did he have a blast dragging me along, crushing me and leaving me here. Was it all a game to him, my feelings, our relationship.

Then the depression kicked in. I wished during that time I had brushed my teeth more. Got out of bed and ate, was i really so dependent on him. This was sad. Maybe it was due to losing both of them on the same day. But I lost them, they were gone and I was still here. Still stuck here in this place of misery. Not having the ability to leave, there stuff was still here, his favorite flannel, his brother's favorite wallet I bought him for christmas.

Then the bargaining. Maybe just maybe I could give all of this back, if I gave it back he would explain. Maybe even contact her, could Lisa know why he left? I wish he would tell me I tried and there was nothing I could have done, but he didn't. Maybe he wants something, money, his old stuff, his brothers stuff. I just want to know why can't I know? Why won't he tell me? I'm not religious, never have been but I prayed during those weeks for both of them to come back. I don't even know who I was praying to. I just wanted them back even just for a moment.

Finally acceptance came through. I packed up all of their stuff and put it away. I moved on just like they both had. They were gone and I was here. This place was no longer painful. My house of cards had been rebuilt, and I did that all on my own. I packed a bag and left, back on the road. Back to where I belonged, just me, my Harley, and small towns across the country. I was a free person, out on the open road.

That was the best part of this time and it wasn't until he came charging back into my life that all of those now painful memories came flying out into the open. He came after me, after it was all said and done and he wanted my help. I will never forget the way he walked up to me and said “I still need your help”. I shook my head and left in disbelief. How could he do this come barreling back in after all of this time had gone by. He couldn't because I wouldn't let him, my walls were back up and I wouldn't tear them down to be hurt again. I've grown and learned too much to fall back into the person I once was. That would be good for me.

But Sam was back, he was back and had been topside for a while now. So I had a decision to make to go back or to turn, to be who I was or who I had become. The real question is what to do?

[rowan-underthehouse]

Last Night

Chapter 3/3

Rating: Mature

See first chapter for more notes

Read it on ao3 here

Dean’s heart stops.

Ten seconds ago, he would have given just about anything for this moment. Now he’s not sure he can even turn around.

“Thought you'd wait until I was done pouring my friggin’ heart out to show up? Thanks, Cas. That’s just…that’s just great.”

It doesn’t come out as angry as Dean had hoped.

He swipes a hand over his face in a feeble attempt to mask the shake in his voice. Even turned away, Dean can feel Cas’ gaze boring into his back.

“What are you doing here?”

That does it. Dean spins around, the bitter laugh in his throat winning against the tears still stinging his eyes.

“Not sure how I could make that anymore obvious, man.”

“You should be home with Lisa and Ben.”

No matter how hard Dean tries, he can’t twist Cas’ words into anger. Fear, maybe. Shame. Not for the first time he finds himself wishing angels came with a comprehensive instruction manual.

“That’s all you’ve got to say?”

“There are things I can’t tell you Dean. Things you wouldn’t understand.”

Dean gives into the little nagging voice in the back of his mind and takes Cas’ rough hands in his own. He’s come this far, he may as well commit to the whole chick flick.

“Let me try.” His voice cracks around the vulnerability of it. “Please. You’ve never given me a chance to try.“

Cas squints at him, a sort of intensity burning in his eyes that makes Dean want to kiss him or run. He barely has time to wonder if this is about to be a summer rerun of Cas beating the shit out of him in that alley before Cas has him by the collar, backing him against the car. Cas crowds right into his personal space, and Dean swears to every god he’s ever heard the name of he’ll never complain about it again.

“You don’t want this, Dean.”

His voice is impossibly more gruff. Dean feels it pour through his entire body. His eyes flick to Cas’ lips.

“That’s not for you to decide.”

And Cas kisses him.

Cas finally fucking kisses him.

In the split second it takes Dean to get a hold on Cas’ face, desperate for some kind of anchor to reality, Cas hands are on him.

Dean has felt good. He’s felt the ghost of kisses pressed into his thighs for days after they were gone. He’s lost himself in dingy truck stop bathrooms and motels that cost less than a good meal, and apartments with comfortable couches and clean sheets. He's spent years soaking in pleasure until the pain of everything around him dulled.

None of it compares to this.

When Cas pulls away, Dean catches him by the belt loops.

“Dean…”

“I want you, alright? And everything that comes with that. Don’t make me say it again, I sound like fucking Air Supply.”

It’s Dean who leans in this time, catching Cas’ lips in a kiss so sweet he finds himself waiting for the swell of an orchestra or some The Notebook style rain.

“Things have gotten…messy,” Cas gasps between kisses. “Heaven is in chaos because of me.”

Dean tilts his chin up, looks him in the eyes. “We’ll figure it out just like we always do. Let Heaven burn for a night.”

Dean’s not entirely sure who opens the impala’s back door, but they stumble in with equal enthusiasm, a tangle of limbs and breathy laughs as they wrestle with too many layers.

Logically, Dean knew Cas’ hand would fit perfectly against the mark he left on Dean’s shoulder, but feeling it there is something else entirely. The stars visible through the back windshield are brighter. Blinding, almost. It’s overwhelming, but Dean doesn’t care. He could drown in Cas’ grace and go with a smile on his face.

After what might be an hour or a week, Dean hooks his legs around Cas, pulling back to catch his breath.

“You know what you’re doing?” It’s an honest question.

“Yes.”

“Then what are you waiting for?”

Dean only knows two things for certain: One, Cas definitely knows what he’s doing. Two, however he survived without hearing his name on Cas’ lips like this before, he’ll never be able to do it again.

“Dean?”

Dean opens one eye, beams up at the angel above him. “Are you alright, sweetheart?”

Cas smiles back, pushes a piece of hair out of his face. “I love you.”

Eventually they’ll have to talk about this. They’ll have to talk about Sam and Raphael and what this new thing between them is.

Eventually there will be a shabby little house in Northern Illinois. They’ll spend nights there when they can, and the shelves will collect dust when they can’t. There will be nights when Dean wakes up in a cold sweat and learns to curl into the body beside him until he can steady his breathing. There will be days they barely get out of bed to eat and mornings where Dean wakes up to an empty bed and a note with updates about Raphael. Some days will be spent pouring over maps and plans, and others Cas will stagger home, beaten and bloody, unable to do much more than collapse silently into Dean’s arms for comfort. But for now there’s only the impala's backseat, and they way Cas’ mouth curves into happy little smiles against Dean’s. Everything else can wait.

…

They’re in an overcrowded parking lot when Lisa asks it, people pouring out of the stadium around them. Ben and Matt laugh a few paces ahead, trying to explain to Castiel what exactly about the baseball was supposed to be exciting.

“Do you regret it? Going back to all this?” She gestures at the cut still healing on the side of Dean’s head. A souvenir from yet another hunt gone wrong.

His smile, the way he looks at his boyfriend like he hangs the stars in the sky, serves as enough of an answer.

“Do you regret telling me to go?”

“Not for a second.” She squeezes Dean’s arm through his jacket. “I’m happy for you, Dean. You did the right thing.”

And for maybe the first time in his life, Dean is sure he did.

Chapter 1 // 2 // 3

[sofreddie]

Pesky Portals (Part 1)

Dean x Reader

Warnings: Light Smut, Angst

Word Count: 1,236

A/N: Sequel series to Dog-Gone Witches. Thanks to @dawnie1988, this is dedicated to them. Their comments inspired me to write and that means more than I can say.

My Masterlist

Series Masterlist

"Dean!" Y/N moaned out at he brought her to orgasm with his tongue and fingers. He hummed in response, licking up her juices and smacking his lips at her delicious flavor.

"Love the sounds you make," Dean hummed out happily as he kissed his way up her body to her lips, "Love how you look when you cum for me."

She ground herself against his hard and leaking cock, desperate to be filled by him. With another deep kiss, he slid inside her, both of them moaning at the feeling of being connected. Y/N reached up and cupped his face in her hands.

"I love you, Dean," she whispered and Dean groaned, capturing her lips once more.

Dean woke with a start and a gasp, groaning and wiping his eyes. It was another dream, just a dream. He had had them frequently. Sometimes it was sex, sometimes it was fixing things at the farm, sometimes it was watching movies or making dinner. But it was always her. Y/N never left his thoughts, asleep or awake.

Realizing he wouldn't be getting back to sleep anytime soon, Dean shuffled off to the showers. He took himself in hand, working himself over as his favorite dreams and images flashed through his mind. It seemed to be how he started off every day since returning months prior.

I should have stayed, he thought, berating himself as he quickly got dressed for the day. But as always, the guilt of thinking of such a thing - of wanting something like that for himself - took charge and he brushed aside the thoughts of her once more. Not that it would last very long.

When they first returned to their world, Sam had tried ribbing Dean a bit on his newest fling. Dean was quick to correct Sam, anger lighting his features, as he explained in no uncertain terms that Y/N was so much more than a fling. It shocked Sam. He hadn't seen Dean react to passionately over someone since he swore Sam to never bring up Lisa and Ben again.

As he watched his brother slowly become consumed by his grief over missing her, Sam realized just how serious it was. It reminded Sam of when he lost Jess. He still struggled with it, many years later. He didn't want that for his brother. Especially considering Y/N wasn't dead. She was just…somewhere else.

Sam thought things would change after they defeated Chuck. They were free. But Dean couldn't, or wouldn't, enjoy his freedom. He needed Y/N. With a sudden flood of determination, Sam began to make a plan.

Sam had packed a small backpack for the trip. Luckily, they had kept the grimoire from the witch that hexed Dean to begin with. He had told his brother he was going on a weekend sabbatical, planning to hit up a museum and theater nearby. Dean barely mocked him, simply acknowledging Sam's intentions with nonchalance. It only reaffirmed Sam's decision to carry out his plans.

Hunkered down in the small hunting cabin, Sam prepped the spell, seeing the portal open in front of him. He tucked the grimoire back into his bag, along with the needed ingredients should he need to try and open it again. Along with a few other necessities tucked away, Sam slung the pack on his back, securing the straps and letting out a long breath before walking through the portal.

“Come with me,” Dean whispered before she could speak, turning to face her with a pained expression, “Come with me, Y/N.”

“Dean,” she sighed, her heart swelling from his words, “I can’t,” she whispered with a broken voice, “You know I can’t. I would love to, I really would. But my life is here, my home is here-” she cut herself off, shaking her head as she lowered her gaze, trying to muster the strength not to cry.

“Then I’ll stay,” Dean stepped close to her, one hand finding her side as the other cupped her face, bringing her eyes back to his, “I’m not ready to let you go.”

“You have to go, Dean,” she smiled at him with watery eyes, “You’re needed there. Sam and Cas need you. That world needs you.”

He dropped his forehead to hers, his eyes closing as he let out a long sigh. He knew she was right, but it didn’t make it any easier. In the time he’d spent with her, he realized she was everything he’d ever wanted. He’d dared to think of more with her, a future with her.

But as with most things in his life, it was just outside of his reach.

“I know,” he finally admitted, opening his eyes and letting them take in every detail to be burned in his memory. He closed his eyes once more as he leaned in, giving her a sweet kiss, saying all he couldn’t in words.

She hummed, returning the kiss, allowing herself to get lost in the feel of him. As he pulled away, too soon for her liking, a quiet sob left her lips, the tears finally silently working their way down her cheeks. She was surprised to see a lone tear streak down his own.

“Goodbye, Sweetheart,” he breathed out, reluctantly releasing her and wiping his face. He gave her a tight, forced smile and a nod as he made his way to the portal.

Y/N woke slowly from her slumber on the couch. She wiped a stray tear from her eye as her mind so cruelly reminded her of possibly one of the greatest mistakes she'd ever made - letting Dean Winchester go.

She forced herself from the couch, tossing the throw to the side as she rubbed her hands over her face and through her hair. After Dean left, she tried to stay busy with the farm. She got a lot of work done around the property, bringing it near back to its full glory. But it never ceased the thoughts of Dean. Everywhere she turned she saw him - fixing the fence or tractor, sitting down to dinner after a long day.

A few days before, she had put the property up for sale. She knew she couldn't keep up with it on her own. But a bigger part was that she saw Dean and their interactions everywhere. It was killing her.

I should have gone with him, she thought to herself for the millionth time. She was quickly becoming her least favorite person. Who the Hell says no to Dean Winchester?! She couldn't even watch the show anymore because of her grief. Some fan you are!

A knock at the door pulled her from her musings. She jumped in place, as she always did when a knock came. They weren't common and she always hoped that maybe it was Dean on the other side, coming back for her. Glancing down at her wrinkled pajamas, she shrugged, not caring a whole lot as she ran her fingers through her tangled hair in an attempt to tame it, before opening the door.

Her breath caught in her throat. There's a Winchester on my porch. But it was the younger of the two. A quick glance around told her he was alone and she took a step back, silently welcoming him into her home.

Sam gave her a small smile before entering the house, looking awkwardly around the living room before turning back to Y/N.

PART 2

[shirtlesssammy]

6x22: The Man Who Knew Too Much

Then:

I will never forgive the show for this pain

Now:

Sam is running for his life and pops into a bar to escape the cops. Duma The bartender tells him to leave and grabs a bat, but Sam begs and she relents. She asks him his name, but he doesn’t remember. 

She tries helping him retrace his steps. He doesn’t remember anything before two cops finding him and him taking them down before running. She tells him that he needs to go to the doctor. He refuses. There’s somewhere he has to be --something he has to stop. 

Sam sees a HP Lovecraft book and has flashes of Bobby and the Nite Owl Hotel. The bartender makes one final push to take Sam to the hospital, but he needs to get to that hotel. She offers to drive. 

Once there, Sam instinctively knows to go to one room. They break in to find the room one giant murder board. She also finds his fake IDs.

Sam has another --longer-- flashback to Bobby, Dean, and him finding Eleanor in an alley, dying. She tells them they know how to crack Purgatory open. 

They plan on opening the door at noon --a solar eclipse. 

Cas flaps in and apologizes. 

Dean wants a fight, but Cas is beyond that. He tells them to go home and just let him stop Raphael. ”I wish it hadn't come to this. Well rest assured, when this is all over, I will save Sam, but only if you stand down.”

He then breaks Sam’s wall. 

In the present day, Sam remembers his name, and doesn’t want to tell Robin (she has a name!--had to look that up though) because it would be crazy. Sam remembers Bobby --but only finds his address. Robin decides it’s her time to bounce. Sam decides to drive his car --his car the Impala --his car-- to Sioux Falls. 

Robin tries stopping him from doing that though. He might not like what he finds. 

Sam’s spidey sense kicks in and he tackles Robin to the ground as the window to the Impala gets shot out. Sam gets back up again to see himself aiming a gun at him. 

Wherps. Sam’s actually comatose in the warded room in Bobby’s basement. Bobby comes in and they recap how royally boned they are. 

Dream Sam and Robin start driving. Robin starts freaking out about their situation. Dean flashes a light at Sam’s eyes, and suddenly it’s day in Sam’s world. “It was night, and now it’s day.” Robin is DONE. Sam hears a noise and convinces her to get back in the car. He grabs a shotgun and heads into the forest. His other self stalks him behind a tree. 

The other Sam breaks down what happened --and reveals that he’s Sam without a soul. He wants to take charge in Sam’s noggin. Sam takes off running and they engage in The Most Dangerous Game until our Sam outsmarts Soulless Sam and shoots him in the back. “If you think I’m bad, wait until you meet the other one,” Soulless Sam says, and dies. His essence is absorbed into Sam.

Sam returns to the car, with many memories restored.

For DAMN She’s Fine Science:

Unfortunately, one of the memories Sam retrieved was of a monster who was using her as a shield. Sam shot and killed her, Soulless Sammy style, to get her out of his way. RUDE. (I totally forgot about this during the later Amara soulless arcs - I don’t know why I keep trying to hold Sam up as this peak virtuous character?) Robin poofs away, having fulfilled her role as the ghost of Christmas past. 

At Bobby’s, Dean drinks and IS SAD. 

Balthazar flaps in to mock Dean and Bobby - but also reassure them that he’s still on their side. He hands over Cas’s whereabouts and flaps away. 

Meanwhile, Crowley hands over the Purgatory spell mix (a jar of blood) to Cas. 

Castiel looks contemplative, and quietly informs Crowley that he’s re-negotiating their agreement. He refuses to hand any souls over to Crowley. Cas advises Crowley to either flee or die. And I’M SORRY but I’m into it. Crowley zaps away. 

Sam sneaks his way into a seriously over-dramatically lit room. SAM, your mind XD. The drama llama who decorates with a hundred candles turns out to be none other than Sam Winchester, victim of hellish torture. 

For 80’s Angsty Music Video Science:

Dean leaves the address Balthazar gave them by Sam’s head and bids him farewell. Mournfully. Just before he departs, he gently lays a gun on Sammy’s bed right next to the note. DEAN WINCHESTER, that’s not safe gun handling. Smh

Sam’s goth self tells him that Tortured Sam has to be reabsorbed before Sam can wake up. Sam trades his gun for a knife - for extra drama apparently - then stabs himself and sucks in all that extra soul whammy. In the bunker, he flails dramatically on the cot. 

Balthazar flaps in to meet Cas, who is deeply concerned that Dean’s on his way. He notes that he’s been betrayed and orders Balthazar to root out the mole. Balthazar is a TERRIBLE LIAR the entire conversation. 

“I’m doing my best in impossible circumstances,” Cas says. Still, he’s being plotted against and he finds it super frustrating. Balthazar continues to bluster away, confident that he’s fooled his friend. Flapping behind a poorly dissembling Balthazar, Cas stabs him. Balthazar burns away. Noooooooo!

Dean and Bobby pull up to the building and find it’s fully guarded by angels. They’re grousing about their odds when a massive cloud of demons swoops in. The demons upend the Impala and assault the compound while Castiel pours over the spell. Crowley flaps in to meet Cas, who immediately moves to smite him.

“You can palm me all you want,” Crowley flirts, but he’s got a new BFF. Raphael flaps in. Crowley and Raphael chastise Cas for his power overreach. It looks like the end for our hero! Cas tosses the jar of Purgatory blood to Crowley and flaps away. 

Crowley and Raphael perform the Purgatory gateway spell. (Side note: hey, remember when Michael just snapped his fingers and made a door into Purgatory in the last season? Good times, good times.) Dean and Bobby claw their way out of the Impala and sneak into the ritual. Unfortunately for them, they’re found out immediately and flung across the room. 

A worse-for-wear Sam stumbles past the Impala, and then heads for Crowley’s lair.

Crowley finishes the spell with a flourish only for...nothing to happen. Cas flaps in holding a half-empty jar. He had the real blood all along! Castiel glows with power, and Rave!Cas is born? “They’re all inside me. Millions upon millions of souls.” Crowley flaps away, which is smart...because Cas snaps his finger and explodes Raphael. 

He smiles serenely at Dean and Bobby. Okay, just kidding. He ONLY has eyes for Dean, who counsels him to send the souls back to Purgatory before the eclipse window...er...eclipses. Castiel is not on board with this plan! He needs to visit holy rage upon Raphael’s followers in Heaven. 

“We were family once. I’d’ve died for you,” Dean tells him. “I’ve lost Lisa. I’ve lost Ben. Now I’ve lost Sam. Don’t make me lose you too.” Cas hears it and...tosses it aside. And then he tells Dean the REALLY BAD NEWS. They’re not family!

Oh, also, he’s declaring himself the new god and he’d really prefer their flannel-clad shoulders to be prostrate before him. We end on stacked zoom footage which reminds us that yes, Robert Singer sure did direct this episode. 

I Am Your Quotes Now:

I love what you've done with the place. It's very Beautiful Mind meets Se7en

I am all filled up on crazy for today

You will bow down and profess your love unto me, your Lord. Or I shall destroy you

 Want to read more? Check out our Recap Archive!

[thegeminisage]

(it's totally okay to add it and I did see your reply just wanted to let you know!! also feel free to ignore this if you're over talking about it)

but yeah I hate the idea that dean can't be happy if he hasn't done XYZ checklist of things people have decided is the right way to cope because healing is not one sized fits all, and it isn't a destination. he is always going to be carrying the weight of what has happened to him and the things he's done but that doesn't and shouldn't mean he can't have a life he feels more comfortable and happy in than we see him in the series.

it also like to me just ignores the fact we have seen him happy in canon. not often/for long due to *gestures at the spn universe* but it seems to come from this idea that he can't achieve /true/ happiness unless he fits these ideals of what healing should look like and therefore doesn't value the very real happiness he /has/ had in his life, however rare. and I think the joy and good times he's had in his life do matter and selling that short is, harmful. the idea you can't be happy or content until you're finished healing the Right Way and anything before that wasn't valuable because you were still dealing with your trauma/mental illness just..makes me a bit sick honestly. it feels like good survivor/bad survivor discourse repackaged.

which to me ties in with the total deconstruction of him as a person/character that you mentioned which is a huge issue I too have with the implications of this whole ideal. as if the dean winchester we see in canon isn't deserving enough or capable of healing and happiness already and needs to become a different person to deserve/achieve those things which is, and I can't emphasize this enough, a very fucked up idea I wish people would take ten whole seconds to think through. anyway this is long but just wanted to say thank you for your consistently good takes<3

(original post for context)

UUUUUUGH ok you literally hit the nail on the head. good survivor/bad survivor discourse kermit nod exactly. also like, we saw dean try to be "normal" in season 6 with ben and lisa and like...he was miserable. i think dean's normal and dean's idea of happiness is different than what our idea of it for him might be. it's like with people who want cas to punch john. sure YOU want that but what would DEAN want?

imo the times dean's been happiest in canon are when he's surrounded by his family and/or he's in a fight he think he has a good shot at winning. a lot of people want dean to quit hunting and i get that because it's shitty and dangerous but dean finds so much of his meaning in his work. i think he could learn to find meaning in other things alongside it but i also think he'd never be happy fully giving up the life - just look at how guilty he feels in 2.20 knowing he's not out there helping people. i see his ideal scenario being like, he becomes the new bobby or something, and being out without being ~loud & proud~ if that makes sense. it's not the healthiest option but it's the one that would offer him the most contentment i think.

this is also related to a weird soapbox i have with people saying sam and dean should have separate houses. like yeah dean viewed separation from his family as the worst possible thing that could happen to him for the first ~40 years of his life but sure you think that's toxic so make them live in different houses??? dean gave up a "normal" childhood for sam and sam in turn is giving up a little bit of a "normal" adulthood for dean - he says so many times that he stays in the life in large part for/because of his brother, he wouldn't fucking move out unless he took dean with him. similarly when people want them to move out of the bunker bc it's not like a home, it's not a house with a yard...i get that and i have mixed bunker feelings but at the same time it's SAFE and it's THEIRS. they don't have to do wards or lay salt lines...you could not ASK for a place better designed to help them put down their hypervigilance.

but yes, the ultimate goal of healing is for dean to not be in pain, not necessarily for dean to become a "normal" sober starbucks-drinking dog-walking citizen with pride flags in his yard. it's just something people lose sight of. and i'm sure nobody is sitting there purposely engaging in good survivor/bad survivor discourse when they're just drawing cute art head empty but like UNINTENTIONALLY. the implications. when a healed dean is a dean erased then we have lost the thread a little bit is all i'm sayin

(continuation of this discussion here) [spn masterpost]

[marlborodean]

spn quotes: season three

i’m collecting a bunch of quotes from the show! my favorite lines, good points of characterization, etc. all organized by episode and character, and with timestamps!

w/ncest shippers get lost

season one. two.

1. THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN

Dean—

[Bobby: So we're eating bacon cheeseburgers for breakfast, are we?] Well, sold my soul, got a year to live. I ain't sweating the cholesterol. (07:04)

[Tamara: I'm heading back to that bar.] I'll go with her. [Sam: It's suicide, Dean!] So what? I'm dead already! (21:27)

[Envy: You really think you're better than me. Which one of you can cast the first stone? Huh? What about you, Dean? You're practically a walking billboard of gluttony and lust.] (24:46)

[Sam: Think she's gonna be alright?] No. Definitely not. (34:18)

[Sam: What, you got some kind of death wish or something?] It's not like that. [Then what's it like, Dean?] Sam— [Please. Tell me.] We trap the crossroads demon, trick it, try to welch our way out of the deal in any way, you die. Okay? You die. Those are the terms, there's no way out of it. If you try to find a way, so help me God, I'm gonna stop you. [How could you make that deal, Dean?] 'Cause I couldn't live with you dead. Couldn't do it. [So what, now I live and you die?] That's the general idea, yeah. [Yeah, well, you're a hypocrite, Dean. How did you feel when Dad sold his soul for you? 'Cause I was there. I remember. You were twisted and broken. And now you go and do the same thing. To me. What you did was selfish.] Yeah, you're right. It was selfish. But I'm okay with that. [I'm not.] Tough. After everything I've done for this family, I think I'm entitled. Truth is, I'm tired, Sam. I don't know, it's like there's a light at the end of the tunnel. [It's hellfire, Dean!] Whatever. You're alive, I feel good for the first time in a long time. I got a year to live, Sam, I'd like to make the most of it. So what do you say we kill some evil sons of bitches and we raise a little hell. Huh? (37:12)

Sam—

Look. If we're going down, we're going down together, alright? (27:09)

[Pride: And you...are Sam Winchester. That's right, I've heard of ya. We've all heard of ya. The prodigy, the boy king. Looking at you now, I gotta tell ya.... Don't believe the hype. You think I'm gonna bow to a cut-rate, piss-poor human like you? I have my pride, after all. And now with your yellow-eyed friend dead, I guess I don't really have to do a damn thing now, do I? You're fair game now, boy, and it's open season.] (31:51)

You know what? I've had it. I've been bending over backwards trying to be nice to you, and...I don't care anymore. [Dean: That didn't last long.] Yeah, well, you know what? I've been busting my ass trying to keep you alive, Dean, and you act like you couldn't care less. What, you got some kind of death wish or something? (36:56)

[Dean: I couldn't live with you dead. Couldn't do it.] So what, now I live and you die? [That's the general idea, yeah.] Yeah, well, you're a hypocrite, Dean. How did you feel when Dad sold his soul for you? 'Cause I was there. I remember. You were twisted and broken. And now you go and do the same thing. To me. What you did was selfish. (37:44)

Misc—

Greed: We're not sins, man. We are natural, human instinct. And you can repress and deny us all you want, but the truth is, you are just animals. Horny, greedy, hungry, violent animals. And you know what? You'll be slaughtered like animals, too. (25:32)

2. THE KIDS ARE ALRIGHT

Dean—

[Lisa: You can relax.] Good. [I swear you look disappointed.] Yeah, I don't know. It's weird, you know, your life. I mean, this house and kid. It's not my life, never will be. Some stuff happened to me recently, uh.... Anyway, a guy in my situation—you start to think, you know, "I'm gonna be gone one day, and what am I leaving behind besides a car?" [I don't know. Ben may not be your kid, but he wouldn't be alive if it wasn't for you. That's a lot, if you ask me.] You know, just for the record, you got a great kid. I would've been proud to be his dad. (26:18)

Sam—

[Ruby: All I know is that it's about you.] What? [Don't you get it, Sam? It's all about you. What happened to your mom, what happened to her friends—they're trying to cover up what he did to you. And I want to help you figure it out.] Why would you want to help me? [I have my reasons. Not all demons are the same, Sam. Not all of us want the same thing. Me? I want to help you from time to time. That's all. And if you let me, there's something in it for you.] What could you possibly— [I could help you save your brother.] (40:40)

3. BAD DAY AT BLACK ROCK

Dean—

Just Dad. You know, him and his secrets. We spent all this time with the guy and it's like we barely even know the man. (06:20)

Oh wow! It's my first sawed-off. I made it myself. Sixth grade. (07:59)

That's what killed your friend. My brother here is next. And who knows how many more innocent people after that. Now, if you don't help us stop this thing, then that puts those deaths on your head. Now, I can read people. And I get it. You're a thief and a scumbag. That's fine. But you're not a killer. Are you? (22:46)

So you know the truth about what's really going on out there and this is what you decide to do with it? You become a thief? [Bela: I procure unique items for a select clientele.] Yeah. A thief. (29:46)

So you're only after yourself, huh? It's all about number one? [Bela: Being a hunter is so much more noble? A bunch of obsessed, revenge-driven sociopaths trying to save a world that can't be saved.] Well, aren't you a glass half-full. [We're all going to Hell, Dean. Might as well enjoy the ride.] I actually agree with you there. (31:30)

The hell is wrong with you?! You don't just go around shooting people like that! (36:04)

Sam—

[Dean: She knows what your weakness is. It's me.] (03:32)

[Dean: You're okay, right? I mean, you're feeling okay?] Yes, I'm fine! Why are you always asking me that? (04:04)

No way! That's my division championship soccer trophy. I can't believe he kept this! [Dean: It was probably the closest you ever came to being a boy.] (07:45)

4. SIN CITY

Dean—

[Casey: Lose something?] All you demons have such smart mouths. [It's a gift.] Yeah. Well, let's see if you're smiling when I send your ass back to Hell. [Without your little exorcism book? Hey, go ahead.] Spiritus immunde. Ungo— [Having a little trouble there, sport?] Spiritus immunde, undolara. Pasonitote.... [Nice try, but I think you just ordered a pizza. Guess you should've paid more attention in Latin class.] I don't know what you're smiling about. You're not going anywhere. [And, apparently, neither are you.] Yeah, but I got somebody coming for me, and uh, he did pay attention in class. (20:02)

[Casey: You Winchester boys are famous. Not Lohan famous, but, you know.] Well. That's...flattering. I'll be sure to let Sam know when he gets here. (20:58)

So demons take over. I thought the meek shall inherit the earth. [Casey: Oh, according to your Bible. It's only a book, Dean.] Not everyone would agree. [Because it's God's book? Do you believe in God, Dean? I'd be surprised if you did.] I don't know. I'd like to. (24:59)

[Casey: You're alright, Dean. The others don't describe you that way. But, you know, you're...you're likable.] A demon likes me. Sorry, I don't know how to respond to that. (29:34)

[Casey: That deal you made to save Sam—a lot of others would mock you for it, think it was weak or stupid. I don't.] It's been kind of liberating, actually. I mean, what's the point in worrying about a future when you don't have one, huh? [Still, a year to live. You're not scared?] No. [Not even a little?] Of course not. (29:50)

Sam—

Oh God. Uh. I'm sorry. That's—just—I think this was just a minor misunderstanding? yeah, okay, um. How 'bout I just—I just leave, 'cause—I'll take these—okay, I'll, uh, I'll leave this for, uh...you, uh...have a nice day? (17:20)

[Dean: Yeah, but I got somebody coming for me, and uh, he did pay attention in class.] [Casey: Oh, right, Sam. Everyone says he's the brains of the outfit.] [Everyone?] [Sure! You Winchester boys are famous. Not Lohan famous, but, you know.] (20:46)

Yeah, I like being able to help people. [Father Gil: Ever think about doing anything else?] Like what? [Hm. Anything. You seem like a pretty smart kid. Somehow I see you out in front of the pack. You could do some great things.] I don't know. I like what I'm doing, I guess. [Well, it's your life. Does, um, Dean?] Yeah, Dean. [Does he find trouble often?] Yeah. Yeah, Dean finds his fair share. [Hm. Well, it's a good thing he has you. His brother's keeper.] (30:32)

[Ruby: You're gonna have to do things that go against that gentle nature of yours. There'll be collateral damage, but it has to be done.] Well, I don't have to like it. [No. You wouldn't be Sam if you did.] (39:24)

Misc—

Casey: You don't get it. All you gotta do is nudge humans in the right direction. Some whiskey here, a hooker there, and they'll walk right into hell with big, fat smiles on their faces. Your kind is corrupt, Dean. Weak. Our will's stronger. That's why we'll win. (23:55)

Casey: What, you think humans have an exclusive on a higher power? [Dean: You have a God?] Sure. His name's Lucifer. [You mean the Devil?] Your word, not ours. "Lucifer" actually means "light bringer." Look it up. Once he was the most beautiful of all God's angels. But God demanded that he bow down before man, and when he refused, God banished him. Tell me, Dean. How do you like bowing before lesser creatures? [Lucifer's really real?] Well, no one's actually seen him, but they say that he made us into what we are, and they say that he'll return. [Oh yeah? And, uh, you believe that?] I've got faith. [Hm.] So, you see? Is my kind really all that different than yours? [Well, except that, uh, demons are evil.] And humans are such a lovable bunch. (26:39)

Casey: [Hell] is a pit of despair. Why do you think we want to come here? (28:02)

Casey: Sam was supposed to be the grand poo-bah and lead the big army, but he hasn't exactly stepped up to the plate, has he? [Dean: Thank God for that.] Again with God. You think this is a good thing? Now you've got chaos, a war without a front, hundreds of demons all jockeying for power, all fighting for the crown, most of them gunning for your brother. (32:22)

5. BEDTIME STORIES

Dean—

[Sam: I don't understand, Dean, why not?] Because I said so. [We got the Colt now.] Sam— [We can summon the crossroads demon—] We're not summoning anything. [—pull the gun on her, and force her to let you out of the deal!] We don't even know if that'll work! [Well then, we'll just shoot her! If she dies, the deal goes away!] We don't know if that will work either, Sam! All you're pitching me right now are a bunch of "if's" and "maybe's," and that's not good enough! Because if we screw with this deal, you die! [And if we don't screw with it, you die!] Sam, enough! I'm not gonna have this conversation! [Why, because you said so?] Yes, because I said so! [Well, you're not Dad!] No, but I am the oldest. And I'm doing what's best. You gotta let this go, you understand me? (03:46)

[Sam: Is that what you want me to do, Dean? Just let you go?] (33:26)

Sam—

[Kyle: Those were my brothers. This guy, he killed my brothers. How would you feel?] Can't imagine anything worse. (06:34)

Look, Callie is killing people. She's angry. She's desperate because nobody will listen to her. So you have to listen to her. Please. Listen to your daughter. (29:28)

[Crossroads Demon: Aren't you tired of cleaning up Dean's messes? Of dealing with that broken psyche of his? Aren't you tired of being bossed around like a snot-nosed little brother? You're stronger than Dean. You're better than him.] Watch your mouth. [Admit it—you're here going through the motions, but truth is, you'll be a tiny bit relieved when he's gone.] Shut up. [No more desperate, sloppy, needy Dean. You can finally be free.] I said, shut up. [Huh. Doth protest too much, if you ask me.] (37:15)

6. RED SKY AT MORNING

Dean—

Somebody stole my car?! [Sam: Hey hey hey, calm down.] I am calmed down! Somebody stole my— *nearly has a heart attack* (08:15)

[Bela: He can't be saved in time, and you know it.] Yeah, well, see, we have souls, so we're gonna try. (12:39)

Hey, Bela, how did you get like this, huh? What, did Daddy not give you enough hugs or something? [Bela: I don't know. Your Daddy not give you enough? Don't you dare look down your nose at me. You're no better than I am.] We help people. [Come on. You do this out of vengeance and obsession. You're a stone's throw from being a serial killer.] (12:57)

This is an uncrashable party without Gert's invitation, so— [Sam: We can crash anything, Dean.] Yeah, I know, but this is easier and it's a lot more entertaining. (21:57)

I'm thinking. [Bela: Don't strain yourself. Interesting, how the legend is so much more than the man.] (23:12)

Screw you. [Bela: Very Oscar Wilde.] (24:32)

So ponying up ten grand is easier for you than a simple thank you? You're so damaged. [Bela: Takes one to know one.] (38:08)

Hey, listen, I've been doing some thinking. Um...I want you to know I understand why you did it. I understand why you went after the crossroads demon. You know, situation was reversed, I guess I'd have done the same thing. I mean, I'm not blind. I see what you're going through with this whole deal. Me going away and all that. But you're gonna be okay. [Sam: You think so?] Yeah, you'll keep hunting. You know, you'll live your life. You're stronger than me. You are! You are, you'll get over it. But I want you to know I'm sorry, I'm sorry for...putting you through all this, I am. (38:56)

[Sam: That's the whole problem in the first place. I don't want you to worry about me, Dean. I want you to worry about you. I want you to give a crap that you're dying.] (39:52)

Sam—

[Dean: It was a stupid friggin' risk, you shouldn't have done it.] I shouldn't have done it? You're my brother. No matter what you do, I'm gonna try to save you, and I'm sure as hell not gonna apologize for it, alright? (04:32)

[Dean: Can I shoot her?] Not in public. (09:55)

[Dean: You can't save everybody, Sam.] Yeah, right. S—so, what? You feel better now or what? [No, not really.] Yeah, me neither. [You gotta under—] Just lately I feel like I can't save anybody. (16:24)

[Dean: I can't believe she got another one over on us.] You. [What?] I mean—I mean, she got one over on you, not us. [Thank you, Sam. Very helpful. (31:12)

[Dean: You're gonna be okay.] You think so? [Yeah, you'll keep hunting. You know, you'll live your life. You're stronger than me. You are! You are, you'll get over it. But I want you to know I'm sorry, I'm sorry for...putting you through all this, I am.] You know what, Dean? Go screw yourself. [What?] I don't want an apology from you. And by the way, I'm a big boy now, I can take care of myself. [Oh, well, excuse me.] So would you please quit worrying about me? I mean, that's the whole problem in the first place. I don't want you to worry about me, Dean. I want you to worry about you. I want you to give a crap that you're dying. (39:20)

Misc—

[Sam: What'd you do, Bela?] Bela: You wouldn't understand. No one did. Nevermind. I'll just do what I've always done. I'll deal with it myself. [Dean: You do realize you just sold the only thing that could save your life.] I'm aware. (34:01)

7. FRESH BLOOD

Dean—

[Sam: There you are!] Yeah. Sorry, I stopped for a slice. [Nice move back there, Dean, running right at the weapons.] Well, what can I say? I'm a badass. (14:02)

I want you to stay out of harm's way. I'll take care of it. [Sam: Well, Dean, you're not going by yourself. You're gonna get yourself killed!] Just another day at the office. It's a massively dangerous day at the office. [So what, you're the guy with nothing to lose now, huh? Oh, wait. Let me guess. Because uh.... It's because you're already dead, right?] If the shoe fits. [You know what, man? I'm sick and tired of your old, stupid kamikaze trip.] Whoa, whoa. Kamikaze? I'm more like a ninja. [That's not funny.] It's a little funny. [No, it's not.] What do you want me to do, Sam? Huh? Sit around all day writing sad poems about how I'm gonna die? You know what? I got one. Let's see. What rhymes with "Shut up, Sam"? [Dude. Drop the attitude, Dean. Quit turning everything into a punch line. And you know something else? Stop trying to act like you're not afraid.] I'm not. [You're lying! And you may as well drop it 'cause I can see right through you.] You got no idea what you're talking about. [Yeah, I do. You're scared, Dean. You're scared because your year is running out and you're still going to Hell and you're freaked.] And how do you know that? [Because I know you!] Really? [Yeah, because I've been following you around my entire life! I mean, I've been looking up to since I was four, Dean—studying you, trying to be just like my big brother. So yeah, I know you. Better than anyone else in the entire world. And this is exactly how you act when you're terrified. And I mean, I can't blame you. It's just....] What? [It's just, I wish you would drop the show and be my brother again, 'cause.... Just 'cause.] (28:16)

That's my job, right? Show my little brother the ropes? (39:01)

Sam—

[Dean: And how do you know that?] Because I know you! [Really?] Yeah, because I've been following you around my entire life! I mean, I've been looking up to since I was four, Dean—studying you, trying to be just like my big brother. So yeah, I know you. Better than anyone else in the entire world. And this is exactly how you act when you're terrified. And I mean, I can't blame you. It's just.... [What?] It's just, I wish you would drop the show and be my brother again, 'cause.... Just 'cause. (29:17)

[Gordon: You're right. I'm a bloodthirsty killer.] Don't talk about it like you don't have a choice. [I don't.] Yes, you do, Gordon. (34:03)

Misc—

Gordon: We're the same now, you and me. I know how it is, walking around with something evil inside you. It's just too bad you won't do the right thing and kill yourself. I'm gonna! As soon as I'm done with you. Two last good deeds: killing you, and killing myself. (34:56)

8. A VERY SUPERNATURAL CHRISTMAS

Dean—

Santa doesn't have a brother. There is no Santa. [Sam: Yeah, I know. You're the one who told me that in the first place, remember?] (04:57)

Hey, speaking of, we should have one this year. [Sam: Have one what?] A Christmas! [No, thanks.] No, we'll get a tree, a little Boston Market—just like when we were little. [Dean, those weren't exactly Hallmark memories for me, you know?] What are you talking about? We had some great Christmases! [Whose childhood are you talking about?] Oh, come on, Sam. [No! Just...no.] Alright, Grinch. (05:43)

[Sam: I'm old enough, Dean. You can tell me the truth.] You don't wanna know the truth. Believe me. [Is that why we never talk about...Mom?] Shut up! Don't you ever talk about Mom! Ever! (07:32)

Why are you the boy that hates Christmas? [Sam: Dean—] I mean, I admit it, we had a few bumpy holidays when we were kids. [Bumpy?] That was then! We'll do it right this year. (10:24)

Remember that wreath Dad brought home thy one year? [Sam: You mean the one he stole from like, a liquor store?] Yeah, it was a bunch of empty beer cans. That thing was great. I bet if I looked around hard enough, I could probably find one just like it. (18:30)

[Sam: Alright. Dude. What's going on with you?] What? [I mean, since when are you Bing Crosby all of a sudden? Why do you want to do Christmas so bad?] Why are you so against it? I mean, were your childhood memories that traumatic? [No, that has nothing to do with it.] Then what? [I mean, I just—I don't get it. I—you haven't talked about Christmas in years.] Well, yeah? This is my last year. (18:47)

We have the coolest dad in the world. He's a superhero. [Sam: He is?] Yeah. Monsters are real. Dad fights 'em. He's fighting them right now. [But Dad said the monsters under my bed weren't real.] That's 'cause he'd already checked under there. (21:20)

Sam—

[Dean: Santa doesn't have a brother. There is no Santa.] Yeah, I know. You're the one who told me that in the first place, remember? (04:57)

[Dean: Hey, speaking of, we should have one this year.] Have one what? [A Christmas!] No, thanks. [No, we'll get a tree, a little Boston Market—just like when we were little.] Dean, those weren't exactly Hallmark memories for me, you know? [What are you talking about? We had some great Christmases!] Whose childhood are you talking about? [Oh, come on, Sam.] No! Just...no. (05:43)

Alright. Dude. What's going on with you? [Dean: What?] I mean, since when are you Bing Crosby all of a sudden? Why do you want to do Christmas so bad? [Why are you so against it? I mean, were your childhood memories that traumatic?] No, that has nothing to do with it. [Then what?] I mean, I just—I don't get it. I—you haven't talked about Christmas in years. [Well, yeah? This is my last year.] I know. That's why I can't. [What do you mean?] I mean, I can't just sit around, drinking eggnog, pretending everything's okay, when I know next Christmas you'll be dead. I just can't. (18:47)

[Edward: You, mister, better show us a little respect.] Or what? You'll eat us? (29:29)

Here. Take this. [Dean: No. No, that's for Dad.] Dad lied to me. I want you to have it. [You sure?] I'm sure. (37:02)

9. MALLEUS MALEFICARUM

Dean—

I hate witches. They're always spewing their bodily fluids everywhere. [Sam: Pretty much.] It's creepy, you know, it's downright unsanitary! (05:05)

[Ruby: Why are you even a part of this conversation?] Oh, I don't know, maybe because he's my brother, you black-eyed skank! [Oh, right, right! And you care about your brother so much. That's why you're checking out in a few months, leaving him all alone?] Shut up. [At least let me try and save him since you won't be here to do it anymore.] I said shut up! (19:22)

It tasted like ass. (24:36)

So all of them? Every damn demon, they were all human once? [Ruby: Everyone I've ever met.] Well, they sure don't act like it. [Most of them have forgotten what it means, or even that they were. That's what happens when you go to Hell, Dean. That's what Hell is: forgetting what you are.] Philosophy lesson from a demon. I'll pass, thanks. [It's not philosophy. It's not a metaphor. There's a real fire in the pit, agonies you can't even imagine.] No, I saw Hellraiser. I get the gist. [Actually, they got that pretty close, except for all the custom leather. The answer is yes, by the way.] Sorry? [Yes, the same thing will happen to you. It might take centuries, but sooner or later, Hell will burn away your humanity. Every Hell-bound soul, everyone turns into someone else. Turns you into us, so yeah—yeah, you can count on it.] There's no way of saving me from the pit, is there? [No.] (35:42)

Sam—

They need to be stopped. [Dean: Stopped like, stopped? They're human, Sam.] They're murderers. (17:49)

[Dean: Are you feeling okay?] Why are you always asking me that? [Because you're taking advice from a demon, for starters. And by the way, you seem less and less worried about offing people, you know. It used to eat you up inside.] Yeah? And what has that gotten me? [Nothing, but it's just what you're supposed to do, okay? We're supposed to drive in the freaking car and freaking argue about this stuff! You know, you go on about the sanctity of life and all that crap.] Wait, so you're mad because I'm starting to agree with you? [No, I'm not mad! I'm—I'm...I'm worried, Sam, because you're not acting like yourself.] Yeah, you're right, I'm not! I don't have a choice! (20:45)

Look, Dean, you're leaving, right? And I gotta stay here in this crap hole of a world. Alone. So the way I see it, if I'm gonna make it, if I'm gonna fight this war after you're gone, then I gotta change. [Change into what?] Into you. I got to be more like you. (21:25)

10. DREAM A LITTLE DREAM OF ME

Dean—

Can I get a whiskey? Double, neat. [I'm serious, Dean.] No, you're drunk. [I mean, where you're going, what you're gonna become. I can't stop it. I'm starting to think maybe even Ruby can't stop it. But really, the thing is, no one can save you.] What I've been telling you. [No, that's not what I mean. I mean, no one can save you because you don't want to be saved. I mean, how can you care so little about yourself? What's wrong with you?] (03:16)

You gotta snap out of this now. You gotta snap out of this now! You're not gonna die. I'm not gonna let you die. I'm not gonna let you die, you're like a father to me. You gotta believe me, please! [Bobby: I'm breathing?] Yes! Now take control of it! (22:30)

Great! Well, I'm just gonna go blow my brains out now! (25:59)

Well, aren't you a handsome son of a gun. [Nightmare Dean: We need to talk.] I get it, I get it. I'm my own worst nightmare. That it, huh? Kinda like the Superman III junkyard scene—a little mano y mano with myself? [Joke all you want, smartass, but you can't lie to me. I know the truth. I know how dead you are inside, how worthless you feel. I know how you look into a mirror, and hate what you see.] Sorry, pal. It's not gonna work. You're not real. [Sure I am. I'm you.] I don't think so. 'Cause see, this is my siesta. Not yours. All I gotta do is snap my fingers, and you go bye-bye. [I'm not going anywhere. Neither are you. Like I said, we need to talk.] (30:37)

[Nightmare Dean: I mean, you're going to Hell, and you won't lift a finger to stop it. Talk about low self-esteem! Then again, I guess it's not much of a life worth saving, now, is it?] Come on, Dean, come on, wake up. [I mean, after all, you've got nothing outside of Sam. You are nothing. You're as mindless and obedient as an attack dog.] That's not true. [No? What are the things that you want? What are the things that you dream? I mean, your car—that's Dad's. Your favorite leather jacket—Dad's. Your music—Dad's. Do you even have an original thought? No. No, all there is, is "Watch out for Sammy. Look after your brother, boy!" You can still hear your Dad's voice in your head, can't you? Clear as a bell.] Just shut up. [I mean, think about it. All he ever did was train you, boss you around. But Sam—Sam, he doted on. Sam, he loved.] I mean it, I'm getting angry. [Dad knew who you really were. A good soldier and nothing else. Daddy's blunt little instrument. Your own father didn't care whether you lived or died. Why should you?] Son of a bitch! My father was an obsessed bastard! All that crap he dumped on me about protecting Sam—that was his crap! He's the one who couldn't protect his family! He's the one who let Mom die! Who wasn't there for Sam! I always was! It wasn't fair! I didn't deserve what he put on me, and I don't deserve to go to Hell! (33:21)

[Nightmare Demon Dean: You can't escape me, Dean. You're gonna die. And this? This is what you're gonna become! (35:32)

The thing is...I don't want to die. I don't want to go to Hell. [Sam: Alright. Yeah. We'll find a way to save you.] Okay, good. (38:40)

Sam—

[Dean: There you are. What are you doing?] Having a drink. [It's 2:00 in the afternoon. Drinking whiskey?] I drink whiskey all the time.] No you don't. [What's the big deal? You get sloppy in bars. You hit on chicks all the time. Why can't I?] It's kinda slim pickings around here. What's going on with you?] (02:50)

I tried, Dean. [Dean: To do what?] To save you. [Can I get a whiskey? Double, neat.] I'm serious, Dean. [No, you're drunk.] I mean, where you're going, what you're gonna become. I can't stop it. I'm starting to think maybe even Ruby can't stop it. But really, the thing is, no one can save you. [What I've been telling you.] No, that's not what I mean. I mean, no one can save you because you don't want to be saved. I mean, how can you care so little about yourself? What's wrong with you? (03:16)

[Dean: The thing is...I don't want to die. I don't want to go to Hell.] Alright. Yeah. We'll find a way to save you. (38:40)

Misc—

Jeremy: You know what that's like? Not to be able to dream? You never rest, not really. It's like being awake for 15 years. [Sam: And let me guess. That's makes you go crazy.] I just want to be left alone. I just want to dream. (32:32)

11. MYSTERY SPOT

Dean—

[Sam: Twice now, I've watched you die. And I can't. I won't do it again, okay? And you're just gonna have to believe me. Please.] Alright. I still think you're nuts, but...okay. Whatever this is, we'll figure it out. (11:44)

Wait, did he.... [Sam: Yesterday, yeah.] And? [And what?] Did it look cool like in the movies? [You peed yourself.] Of course I peed myself. A man gets hit by a car, you think he has full control of his bladder? Come on! (13:05)

Sam—

Twice now, I've watched you die. And I can't. I won't do it again, okay? And you're just gonna have to believe me. Please. (11:44)

[Gabriel: How long will it take you to realize you can't save your brother, no matter what?] (26:17)

[Bobby: Call me, Sam. We can find it together. No one man should take something like this on alone. You hear me?] (30:17)

[Bobby: I thought you'd back down from killing a man.] Well, you thought wrong. Leave the stuff, I'll do it myself. [I told you, I'm not gonna let you kill anyone—] It's none of your damn business what I do! (32:11)

[Gabriel: Let me tell ya. Whoever said Dean was the dysfunctional one has never seen you with a sharp object in your hands.] (34:50)

[Gabriel: Sam, there's a lesson here that I've been trying to drill into that freakish, Cro-Magnon skull of yours.] Lesson? What lesson? [This obsession to save Dean? The way you two keep sacrificing yourselves for each other? Nothing good comes out of it. Just blood and pain. Dean's your weakness. The bad guys know it, too. He's gonna be the death of you, Sam. Sometimes you just gotta let people go.] He's my brother. [Yup. And like it or not, this is what life's gonna be like without him.] Please, just.... Please. [I swear, it's like talking to a brick wall.] (35:36)

Misc—

Gabriel!Bobby: You and Dean, you...you boys are the closest thing I have to family. (32:18)

12. JUS IN BELLO

Dean—

[Henriksen: Sorry, Dean. Truth is, your daddy brainwashed you with all that devil talk and no doubt touched you in a bad place.] (08:20)

It's kind of wild, right? I mean, it's like they're coming right for us. They've never done that before. It's like we got a contract on us. Think it's because we're so awesome? I think it's 'cause we're so awesome. (16:37)

[Henriksen: Can you guys beat it? Can you win?] Honestly, I think the world's gonna end bloody. But it doesn't mean we shouldn't fight. We do have choices. I choose to go down swingin'. [Plus you got nothing to go home to but your brother.] Yeah. (26:00)

[Ruby: This spell is very specific. It calls for a person of virtue.] I got virtue. [Nice try. You're not a virgin.] Nobody's a virgin! No. No way. You're kidding me, r—? You're— [Nancy: What? It's a choice, okay?] Wh— S—so you've never—not even once? I mean, not even.... Wow! (29:18)

Please tell me you're not actually considering this. We're talking about holding down a girl and cutting out her heart. [Sam: And we're also talking about 30 people out there, Dean—innocent people, who are all gonna die, along with everyone in here.] It doesn't mean that we throw away the rulebook and stop acting like humans. I'm not gonna let that demon kill some nice, sweet, innocent girl who hasn't even been laid. I mean, look, if that's how you win wars, then I don't want to win. [Then what? What do we do, Dean?] I got a plan. I'm not saying it's a good one, I'm not even saying that it'll work, but it sure as hell beats killing a virgin. (31:25)

Sam—

*Dean gets shot.* Alright, don't be such a wuss. (13:54)

[Dean: Who sent 'em?] [Ruby: You didn't tell Dean? Wow, I'm surprised.] [Tell me what?] [There's a big new up-and-comer. Real pied piper.] [Who is he?] [Not he. Her. Her name is Lilith.] [Lilith?] [And she really, really wants Sam's intestines on a stick. Guess she sees him as competition.] [You knew about this? Well, gee, Sam, is there anything else I should know?] (27:32)

So you're just gonna leave? [Ruby: Hey! I was gonna kill myself to help you win. I'm not gonna stand here and watch you lose. And I'm disappointed, because I tried. I really did. But clearly, I bet on the wrong horse.] (32:30)

13. GHOSTFACERS

Dean—

Alright, seriously, does looking at this nightmare through that camera make you feel better or something? I mean.... [Maggie: Um, I, uh.... Well, yeah. Uh, yeah, I think so.] Oh. (19:31)

[Sam: World just isn't ready for the Ghostfacers.] That's too bad. I kind of liked the show. [Had its moments.] (40:29)

Sam—

Yeah! I mean, it's bizarre how y'all are able to, uh, to honor Corbett's memory while grossly exploiting the manner of his death. Well done. [Dean: Yeah, it's a real tight rope you're walking.] (38:56)

Well, um, our experience—you know what you get when you show the world the truth? [Dean: A straitjacket. Or a punch in the face. Sometimes both.] (39:08)

Misc—

Harry: Ed.... You gotta go be gay for that poor dead intern. You gotta send him into the light. (32:54)

Ed: Gay love can pierce through the veil of death and save the day. (37:15)

14. LONG DISTANCE CALL

Dean—

[Sam: So you two were talking a case?] No, we were actually talking about our feelings and then our favorite boy bands. Yeah, we're talking a case! (04:22)

What if it really is Dad? What happens if he calls back? [Sam: What do you mean?] What do I say? (15:28)

[John: Dean, how could you do it?] Do what? [Sell your soul.] I was looking after Sammy, like you told me to. [I never wanted this, never. You're my boy. I love you. I can't watch you go go Hell, Dean.] I'm sorry. I don't know how to stop it. (18:18)

The man is dead, and you're still butting heads with the guy! [Sam: That's not what this is about.] Then what is it? [The fact is, we got no hard proof here, Dean! After everything, you're still just going on blind faith!] Yeah! Well, maybe! You know, maybe that's all I got, okay? (23:16)

I wanted to believe so badly that there was a way out of this. I mean, I'm staring down the barrel at this thing. You know, Hell. For real, forever, and I'm just.... [Sam: Yeah.] I'm scared, Sam. I'm really scared. [I know.] I guess I was willing to believe anything. You know, last act of a desperate man. [There's nothing wrong with having hope, you know?] Hope doesn't get you jack squat. I can't expect Dad to show up with some miracle at the last minute. I can't expect anybody to, you know. And the only person that can get me out of this thing is me. [Sam: And me.] "And me?" [What?] Deep revelation, having a real moment here, that's what you come back with? "And me?" [Do you want a poem?] Moment's gone. (38:07)

Sam—

[Dean: Wow, you know, you'd think a Stanford education and a high school hookup rate of 0.0 would produce better results than that.] Hilarious. (16:03)

There's nothing wrong with having hope, you know. [Dean: Hope doesn't get you jack squat. I can't expect Dad to show up with some miracle at the last minute. I can't expect anybody to, you know? And the only person that can get me out of this thing is me.] And me. ["And me?"] What? [Deep revelation, having a real moment here, and that's what you come back with? "And me?"] Do you want a poem? [Moment's gone.] (38:46)

15. TIME IS ON MY SIDE

Dean—

[Rufus: You know, I don't even bother drinking unless it's this stuff. Nectar of the gods, I'm telling you.] Yeah, it's a nice change, you know. Most of my whiskey comes from a plastic jug. (18:08)

[Rufus: I know ain't no peashooter gonna save you.] What makes you so sure? ['Cause that's the job, kid. Even if you manage to scrape out of this one, there's just gonna be something else down the road. Folks like us, there ain't no happy ending. We all got it coming.] (19:05)

[Rufus: You do her ear?] Hey, man, I'll try anything once, but I don't know, that sounds uncomfortable. (21:24)

[Bela: You're not the cold-blooded type.] You mean like you? That's true. See, I couldn't imagine killing my own parents. (28:20)

Look, this is simple. [Sam: Simple?] To me, it is, okay? Black or white—human, not human. (36:39)

Sam—

[Dean: Are you coming or not?] I'm staying here. [No, you're not. Because I'm not gonna let you wander out in the woods alone to track some organ-stealing freak.] You're not gonna let me? [No, I'm not gonna let you.] How are you gonna stop me? (15:12)

16. NO REST FOR THE WICKED

Dean—

[Bobby: Ain’t you just bringing down the room?] Well, it’s a gift. [Sam: I’m sorry, so then, what are we supposed to do, Dean?] Look, just ‘cause I gotta die doesn’t mean you have to, okay? We—either we go in smart, or we don’t go in at all. (05:01)

[Sam: Then give me another option, Dean. I mean, tell me what else!] [Bobby: Sam’s right—] No! Damn it! Just no. We are not gonna make the same mistakes all over again. You guys want to save me, find something else. (05:42)

Oh, I knew you’d show up. ‘Cause I knew Sam wouldn’t listen! But you’re not gonna teach him anything. You understand me? Over my dead body. (10:29)

[Ruby: So you’re just too stupid to live, is that it? Then fine! You deserve hell! And I wish I could be there, Dean. I wish I could smell the flesh sizzle off your bones. I wish I could be there to hear you scream!] And I wish you’d shut your piehole, but we don’t always get what we want. (12:25)

Sam, we are not gonna make the same mistake all over again. [Sam: You said that, but what does that even mean?] Don’t you see a pattern here? Dad’s deal, my deal, now this? I mean, every time one of us is—is up the creek, the other is begging to sell their soul. That’s all this is, man. Ruby’s just jerking your chain down the road. You know what it’s paved with, and you know where it’s going. (13:43)

Sammy, all I’m saying is that you’re my weak spot. You are. And I’m yours. [Sam: You don’t mean that. We’re—we’re family.] I know. And those evil sons of bitches know it, too. I mean, what we’ll do for each other, you know, how far we’ll go, they’re using that against us. [So, what, we just stop looking out for each other?] No, we stop being martyrs, man. We stop spreading it for these demons. We take this knife, and we go after Lilith our way, the way Dad taught us to. And if we go down, uh…then we go down swinging. What do you think? [I think you totally should’ve been jamming “Eye of the Tiger” right there.] Oh, bite me. I totally rehearsed that speech, too. (14:39)

[Sam: You know, if this doesn’t, uh…. If this doesn’t go the way we want, I want you to know that—] No, no no no no no no. [No what?] You’re not gonna bust out the misty goodbye speech, okay? I mean, if this is my last day on Earth, I do not want it to be socially awkward. (19:54)

[Sam: I’m not gonna let you go to Hell, Dean!] Yes, you are! Yes, you are. I’m sorry. I mean, this is all my fault. I know that. But what you’re doing, it’s not gonna save me. It’s only gonna kill you. [Then what am I supposed to do?] Keep fighting. Take care of my wheels. Sam, remember what Dad taught you, okay? And remember what I taught you. (32:36)

Sam—

We’re gonna get this done. I don’t care what it takes, Dean. You’re not gonna go to Hell. I’m not gonna let you. I swear. Everything’s gonna be okay. (03:21)

[Ruby: Sam, you’ve got some God-given talent. Well, not God-given, but you get the gist.] All that psychic crap? That’s gone ever since Yellow Eyes died. [Not gone. Dormant. And not just visions, either. Why do you think Lilith’s so scared of you?] Right. She’s scared of me. (09:06)

[Ruby: You don’t like being different. You hate the way Dean looks at you sometimes, like you’re some sort of sideshow freak.] (09:50)

What are you afraid’s gonna happen? This is me. I can handle it. And if it’ll save you— [Dean: Why even risk it?] Because you’re my brother. And because you did the same thing for me. [I know. And look how that turned out. All I’m saying…. Sammy, all I’m saying is that you’re my weak spot. You are. And I’m yours.] You don’t mean that. We’re—we’re family. [I know. And those evil sons of bitches know it, too. I mean, what we’ll do for each other, you know, how far we’ll go, they’re using that against us.] So, what, we just stop looking out for each other? [No, we stop being martyrs, man. We stop spreading it for these demons. We take this knife, and we go after Lilith our way, the way Dad taught us to. And if we go down, uh…then we go down swinging. What do you think?] I think you totally should’ve been jamming “Eye of the Tiger” right there. (14:11)

There’s got to be something. There’s got to be some way. What—whatever it is, I’ll do it! Don’t—Dean! I’m not gonna let you go to Hell, Dean! (32:32)

Misc—

[Dean: This is about me and Sam, okay? This isn’t your fight.] Bobby: The hell it isn’t! Family don’t end with blood, boy. (18:50)

[princessconsuelapark]

my ultimate Sam and Dean are soulmates playlist | 61 songs, 3 hr 59 min

I started putting this together over my summer SPN re-watch, and I thought I'd share it with you all, so we can all cry over our Wincest feels together. It has all the usual cliché songs, and some of my own favourites. (Very country-heavy, so if that's not your thing proceed with caution.) I'm a writer, so lyrics are very important to me - I linked them for every song. All songs are individually YouTube linked, alternatively you can find the Spotify version above. I included some comments and explanations for all my choices, as well as quotes from the show. Happy listening! | Last updated: 18 November 2020

Carry On My Wayward Son by Supernatural: The Musical Cast // lyrics // Cliché and all that, but a good place to start.

Somewhere Only We Know by Lily Allen // lyrics // Even as children - as tumultuous and layered their relationship has always been - it was just the two of them, alone, in their own little world. I Found by Amber Run // lyrics // I found love where it wasn't supposed to be.

Fade Into You by Mazzy Star // lyrics // Unhealthily codependent Weecest vibes.

I Wanna Be Yours by Arctic Monkeys // lyrics // Secrets I have held in my heart / Are harder to hide than I thought. Something's Gotta Give by Christian Kane // lyrics // Wanting to get out of town as a metaphor for Dean wanting to act on his feelings for Sam? Yes, please. Christian Kane being a country god? Absolutely. The fact that this man was actually on SPN as Dean’s freaking love interest, and Jensen and him got to sing together still makes me the happiest person on this planet.

Don't You Wanna Fall by Frankie Ballard // lyrics // So, I love the lines Fall down here where an angel should know better than / To walk around this world with me, because god, Dean so often thinks he belongs in Hell, and is terrified of forcing his little brother into anything he doesn’t want. But still, he can’t stop himself: Don’t you wanna fall? (Shoutout to any Destiel shippers out there, because what a perfect song for you guys too, wow.) Thinking of You by Christian Kane // lyrics // Dean, just before Sam leaves for Stanford. (Link is for the Leverage version, because I love that show, and because Eliot Spencer is an angel. Funnily enough, Alona Tal was actually in that very episode, and did actually sing this song - you can find that here.) Hold On by Limp Bizkit // lyrics // I'm waiting for you, I know you're leaving / I'll still adore you, you never need me. LOST BOY by Troye Sivan // lyrics // Thinking about little Sammy’s stolen college admissions guide. Arms of a Stranger by Niall Horan // lyrics // Some jealous!Dean, while Sam is at Stanford angst.

Walking Away by Lifehouse // lyrics // Silence is all we have to give / And the memories of a life I wish we'd lived.

San Francisco by Niall Horan // lyrics // Listen, it’s a song about pining and not being able to let go and love in San Francisco. I mean, where do you expect my mind to go? Stanford Wincest all the way. How Did You Know? by Jedward // lyrics // I don’t wanna hear a bad word about Jedward, they are good lads. It’s a cheesy song, but hey, I love it. Sam comes back. Well, here I am / I couldn't stay gone. Drive by Halsey // lyrics // All we do is drive / All we do is think about the feelings that we hide. And the California never felt like home to me line! So perfect. "We made a hell of a team back there." (01x01 Pilot) Belong by X Ambassadors // lyrics // This is where Sam belongs, really. Riding shotgun, in his brother’s car, on the open road. Link is a fanvid that makes me feel things. Go and watch it, because it’s everything.

You Could Be Happy by Snow Patrol // lyrics // “Sam, you were right. You gotta do your own thing. You gotta live your own life.” (01x11 Scarecrow) Do the things that you always wanted to / Without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do.

Big Black Car by Gregory Alan Isakov // lyrics // "Who was that?" "My brother." "What did he say?" "Goodbye." That soft, disbelieving, confused look on Sam's face when Dean tells him he's proud of him. When it turns out Dean loves him enough to let him go. It should make him feel happy and free, it should make him loathe his childhood, defiance should fill him to the brim. Instead it makes him run straight back to Dean. (01x11 Scarecrow) Hey Brother by Avicii // lyrics // Faith. (01x12) Link is a fanvid, because reasons. Oh, if the sky comes falling down, for you / There's nothing in this world I wouldn't do. Sober Me Up by Frankie Ballard // lyrics // Sam always seems to make the world all fall into place. (Sort of 02x03 Bloodlust vibes?) But baby when you kiss me all the demons seem to disappear.

Always Gold by Radical Face // lyrics // “Killing this demon comes first, before me, before everything.” “No, sir. Not before everything.” (02x07 The Usual Suspects) And they said you were the crooked kind / And that you'd never have no worth / But you were always gold to me. Sold My Soul by Zakk Wylde // lyrics // Bit on the nose, but my god, how fucking real. (02x22 All Hell Breaks Loose: Part 2) Let Me Sign by Kirk Matthews // lyrics // "Well, then let it end!" & "I'm gonna take care of you." (02x22 All Hell Breaks Loose: Part 2) Follow You by Bring Me The Horizon // lyrics // “I mean, you sacrifice everything for me.  Don’t you think I’d do the same for you? You’re my big brother. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you.” (02x22 All Hell Breaks Loose: Part 2) Say Something by A Great Big World // lyrics // "I just wish you'd drop the show and be my brother again. Cause... just cause." (03x07 Fresh Blood) Take Me To Church by Hozier // lyrics // “This obsession to save Dean? The way you two keep sacrificing yourselves for each other? […] Dean’s your weakness. And the bad guys know it, too.” (03x11 Mystery Spot) Outlaws of Love by Adam Lambert // lyrics // "You're my weak spot. And I'm yours." (03x16 No Rest for the Wicked) Everywhere we go we're looking for the sun / Nowhere to grow old, we're always on the run / They say we'll rot in Hell, but I don't think we will / They've branded us enough, "Outlaws of Love". Wanted Dead Or Alive by Bon Jovi // lyrics // Well, I had to include this one, for obvious reasons. (03x16 No Rest for the Wicked) In Other Words by Ben Kweller // lyrics // Dean's going to Hell. Sam's not okay. In his eyes I see the fear. Real With Me by Cady Groves // lyrics // Dean is not dealing well with remembering Hell. Sam is upset that he's not opening up. And it was never about what you were not / But I don't know how much longer I can hold on. Devil's Backbone by The Civil Wars // lyrics // None of it matters. Leaving for Stanford, choosing Ruby, the demon blood, that he’s Hell’s chosen. Dean will always come for his brother, no matter what.   Stay by Florida Georgia Line // lyrics // Sam leaves. It's fucked up. "Hey, you, uh... wanna take the Impala?" Dean doesn’t trust him, not like he used to, but he would say anything to make him stay. (05x02 Good God, Y’all) Hotel Room by Calum Scott // lyrics // They die in a motel room. They find out they share a Heaven. Sam can't find the words to explain. He wishes Dean would just give him time. (05x04 The End) So I kind of wrote a ficlet about this...? Read it if you fancy. Here Tonight by Brett Young // lyrics // The Wincestiest Wincest song to ever Wincest. The lyrics! Sometimes they can just take a minute to sit on the hood of the Impala and watch the stars, Apocalypse be damned.

I Hold On by Dierks Bentley // lyrics // “Sam, it’s okay. It’s okay, I’m here, I’m here. I’m not gonna leave you.” (05x22 Swan Song) Dean believes in his brother, and I’m a sucker for pick-up truck metaphors Lifeboats by Snow Patrol // lyrics // The look on Dean's face when he hugs Sam, when he realises that Sam's back, that he's alive. (06x01 Exile on Main St.) Potentially also some Purgatory vibes. Wild Horses by The Rolling Stones // lyrics // The moment Sam turned up on his doorstep, there was no question he'd choose him. Choose him over Lisa and Ben. Choose him over everyone. “But the minute he walked through that door, I knew. It was over. You two have the most unhealthy, tangled-up, crazy thing I've ever seen. And as long as he's in your life, you're never gonna be happy.” (06x06 You Can’t Handle The Truth) Heavydirtysoul by twenty one pilots // lyrics // “Pick one... Sam’s soul or Adam’s.” “Sam.” (06x11 Appointment in Samarra)

H.O.L.Y. by Florida Georgia Line // lyrics // Oh, this song. A bit of religious irony and whatnot, but my god. The lyrics are everything. You're the healing hands where it used to hurt immediately makes me think of how Dean helped Sam turn the pain from his scar on his palm into “stone number one, and build on it”. (07x02 Hello, Cruel World) I mean, Sam can't even tell what's real anymore, but he trusts his brother. Blindly and with everything he has, because that's who he is. But then there’s also Dean making his promise in the church, and Sam choosing him over dying in 09x01 (I Think I’m Gonna Like It Here). God. Just. I love this song for Sam and Dean.

Through The Dark by One Direction // lyrics // "We'll figure it out, okay? Just like we always do." (08x23 Sacrifice) Leave Out All The Rest by Linkin Park // lyrics // Sam is okay with sacrificing himself. He is ready to die. When my time comes / Forget the wrong that I've done. Demolition Lovers by My Chemical Romance // lyrics // “There is nothing, past or present, that I would put in front of you... I need you to see that." (08x23 Sacrifice) Okay, but look at the lyrics, and try and convince me this song is not about Sam and Dean. Love Will Tear Us Apart by Fall Out Boy // lyrics // "You wanna know what I confessed in there?" (08x23 Sacrifice) TALK ME DOWN by Troye Sivan // lyrics // The look in Sam’s eyes changes, his face falls. "How do I stop?" He chooses Dean like he always does. (08x23 Sacrifice) Brother by Kodaline // lyrics // “Come on. You and Dean? That’s something special, don’t you think?” (09x08 Rock and a Hard Place) Link is a gorgeous fanvid, go watch it and cry. Little Lion Man by Mumford & Sons // lyrics // Dean really messed up this time. Gadreel fall out stuff. Sam breaks up with him in a motel car park in Wisconsin. (09x12 Sharp Teeth)

better off by Jeremy Zucker & Chelsea Cutler // lyrics // "Something's broken here, Dean." (09x12 Sharp Teeth) & "No, Dean, I wouldn't." (09x13 The Purge)

I Can't Go On Without You by KALEO // lyrics // Sam taking Dean’s body home, laying him on his bed, drinking by himself in the dark. (09x23 Do You Believe in Miracles) I Won't Give Up by Noah Guthrie // lyrics // "I am going to save my brother." (10x01 Black) Sam never gives up on Dean. Brother by NEEDTOBREATHE ft. Gavin DeGraw // lyrics // “I never even said thank you, so…” “You don’t ever have to say that, not to me.” (10x04 Paper Moon) Link is another beautiful fanvid, because I can’t help myself. Sittin' Pretty by Florida Georgia Line // lyrics // Sam's sunshine and he’s endless planes of warm skin, soft long hair, and sometimes Dean looks at him. Really looks at him. (No, okay, but the Chevy line really made it for me.) Blood Brothers by Luke Bryan // lyrics // "I don’t need a symbol to remind me how I feel about my brother.” and "The two of us against the world!” "What she said.” (10x05 Fan Fiction) I don’t know, country songs just make me think of Sam and Dean, okay.

I Will Follow You Into The Dark by Daniela Andrade // lyrics // “This is my life. I love it. But I can’t do it without my brother. I don’t want to do it without my brother. And if he’s gone, then I don’t…” (10x18 Book of the Damned)

Golden by Fall Out Boy // lyrics // Dean is so so broken. “No, there is no other way, Sam. I’m sorry.” (10x23 Brother’s Keeper)

Church by Fall Out Boy // lyrics // This whole song screams Sam and Dean to me, and initially I thought of Sam’s Wall breaking down, but then I got stuck on the lines And if death is the last appointment / Then we're all just sitting in the waiting room / I am just a human trying to avoid my certain doom and that’s so clearly Dean killing Death, unable to murder his little brother in the end, because his devotion to Sam runs too deep. (10x23 Brother’s Keeper) In which the SPN writers and Pete Wentz really should get together and discuss over-the-top religious imagery. You are doomed but just enough. Right Back Home by Lifehouse // lyrics // “We are home.“ (11x04 Baby) Be There by Seafret // lyrics // "Bring him back. Bring him back and take me instead." (11x17 Red Meat)  You're my way out / You're my way through / And I can't, I can't / Be without you.

Only the Brave by Louis Tomlinson // lyrics // “I need him, he needs me.“ (11x23 Alpha and Omega) With or Without You by U2 // lyrics // The absolute poetic tragedy of 12x09 (First Blood). The way they don’t even have time to really look at each other after six weeks apart, that they are both ready to die for each other without a moment of hesitation.

I Won't Mind by ZAYN // lyrics // “I'm good with who I am. I'm good with who you are. Because our lives? They're ours and maybe I'm too damn old to want to change that.” (14x13 Lebanon)

Fine Line by Harry Styles // lyrics // "Just us.” (15x19 Inherit the Earth)

[ejlovespie]

Heartbroken (Pt. 1)

Fandom: Supernatural

Author: EJ (@ejlovespie)

Summary: The reader sacrificed herself to save Dean so when she comes back she is surprised and heartbroken to find him living a new life with Lisa and Ben. Will they be able to fix their broken relationship when they reunite?  

Pairing: Dean x reader

Word Count: 1900

Warnings: Angst/Cursing/Depression 

A/N: I would love to hear any feedback you have to give. Any mistakes are mine. Thank you for reading! :)

You were on the outside looking in; in more ways than one. You stood with Sam, who was not himself, on a street of a nice suburb. You hid in the shadows and stared into a large front window on a house across the street. Inside the house, sitting around a dining table, you saw the man you loved having dinner with his new family. Sam had explained in a bored voice that the woman and the kid were Lisa and Ben, two people you had heard of but never expected to see. Sam was...off and you knew you should be concerned for him but at this moment all you could feel was pain. The sight of them all smiling and laughing together like they were in a Hallmark movie had your heart aching in a way that was so tangible. You felt like at any moment, it would give out and you would die all over again. To be clear, it wasn't the sight of Dean with them that hurt you so much; it was knowing how little he cared for you. You had died; no. You had sacrificed yourself to save him, to save the world from the apocalypse, and not even a month later he had moved on. He looked like he was finally happy. This is heartbreak you thought to yourself.

You weren't sure how long you and Sam had stood there, watching them, before you both left, leaving Dean to live his new life. You thought back to the events that led you here. You, Sam, and Samuel had woken up when you should never have. The three of you were dead but someone or something had brought you back. The first thing you had done was go find Dean.

Next, you went to find Bobby and let him in the loop. You all had agreed to leave Dean out of the current events, so you had gone your separate ways. Sam decided to join his newly discovered family while you, in a heartbroken haze, decided to move on. In a car loaned from Bobby, you drove in a daze. You weren’t sure where you would go; you just needed to get as far away from Dean as possible. You knew it wasn’t true but you had hoped if you drove far enough away, you could forget everything. Forget him.

1 Year Later 

You were sitting alone in your motel room when you got the call. You knew this day would come, when Dean found out about you, Sam, and Samuel, but you had hoped for more time. You stared at your vibrating phone and Dean’s name flashing across the screen. You couldn’t, wouldn’t, answer it so you just stared at it until it stopped. He had called you three times before your phone chirped, letting you know you had a new voicemail message, then it went silent. Shit. Your phone buzzed again as a text message popped up on your screen. Shit. Shit. It had been a really long day and you were not ready to talk to him. You eyed the bottle of liquor you had bought from the gas station on the corner and decided to get drunk and face the music in the morning.      

                                                     -

You didn’t know how much time had passed, only that your bottle was half empty. At some point the dingy room had started to spin around you. You had hoped the booze would help you to forget about your phone and the messages you had yet to read. Why couldn't you forget him? You had tried so hard over the past year. Thinking about Dean Winchester living his new apple-pie life was bittersweet; heavy on the bitter. Knowing he was out of the life, safe and happy, was the only thing that brought you any peace. You loved him with everything you had. Hell, you died to keep him and Sam safe. Then you would remember how Dean always looked at you, like he pitied you. He knew your feelings for him and because he didn’t feel the same way, he felt bad for you. Dean’s face popped into your mind then. His green eyes, flecked with gold. His strong, stubbled jaw and full lips. His smile, which was so rare but would light up a room. You may be drunk but you could never forget the details to his face. 

A groan escaped your lips and suddenly you were desperate to hear his voice again. Picking up your phone, you pulled up the voicemail you had been avoiding. You clicked the play button and held it to your ear before you could change your mind. There was a short pause before Dean spoke, 

“Y/N..It’s Dean. I know everything; Sam filled me in. Call me back.” 

He sounded pissed. With that one short message, a slew of memories filled your drunken head and all of the pain you had been trying to bury hit you at once. The sound of his gruff voice, his unique smell of whiskey, leather, and the impala. His tall, muscular body, his strong arms and hands. A tear rolled down your cheek without your permission and you quickly wiped it away with the back of your hand. You checked your phone again and read his text message. 

Call me. Now.

You snorted and mumbled drunkenly, “Bossy...boss pants. How are you so sexy over text. S’not fair.” 

Grabbing the bottle in front of you, you poured some more liquor into your empty glass and nearly fell out of your chair when your phone started vibrating on the table again. Dean’s name flashed across the screen and you wanted to hear his voice so badly, even if he was pissed at you. You resisted answering...until he called again and you couldn’t take it anymore. You clumsily picked up the phone and brought it to your ear and listened. 

"Y/N?"    

Dean practically barked at you on the other line. There was a short pause and then he spoke again in a more controlled voice. 

"Y/N. I know you're there." 

He sounded...sad? Frustrated? You heard a sigh and then Dean kept talking. 

"Fine. You don't have to talk. Just listen...Sam told me everything. Apparently the three of you have been back for a whole year." 

His voice was getting hard, angry again and you could hear him take a breath before going on. 

"I know you guys wanted me to have a normal life but I know now okay? I'm hunting again and I need to see you...We need to talk."

You had imagined this conversation and what you would say to him when he confronted you. Your drunken brain tried remembering the rehearsed words but you couldn't remember. At some point tears had started to roll down your cheeks. You were horrified when you opened your mouth and a strangled, broken sound came out. Dean said your name again but you couldn't listen anymore. You thought about the night you came back and your heart broke all over again. You opened your mouth the words rushed out in a sob. 

"There's nothing to talk about. Bye Dean." 

Hanging up the phone, you broke down. Your phone rang for a while before you shut it off. You sat alone, drunk in a craphole motel room, and finished your bottle of cheap booze and cried, wishing you had never been brought back. 

6 Months Later 

You were in between cases, which you hated because it left you with too much time to think. Working kept you busy, kept your thoughts away from the Winchesters, away from the past. You were at the bar, nursing a beer, when you heard a fluttering behind you. You knew what, or rather who, it was right away. You took another sip of your beer before turning in your seat to face Cas. He looked the same as always. He was wearing the same brown trench coat, blue tie, and serious expression. Cas nodded at you and then took the open seat on your right. He sat for a long moment, not saying a word. When he finally looked at you, Cas surprised you by saying, 

“You’ve lost weight. Why?”

Deciding to ignore that comment, you answered his question with one of your own. 

“What are you doing here Cas?” 

Blue eyes stared at you like they knew all of your secrets and you started to fidget in your seat a bit. 

“Sam and Dean sent me to find you. I need to take you to them.”

“You’re supposed to be a powerful angel Cas. Why are you letting the boys boss you around like you're their bitch.” 

You snorted when his face remained stoic and he said nothing again for a minute. 

“I don’t know what that means but they need to talk to you. Apparently, your phones have been disconnected but I suspect that was on purpose.”

“You suspected correctly.”

Cas sighed and an irritated look crossed over his face.

“Y/N I don’t have time for this. We’re leaving.

Before you could react, Cas had grabbed your arm and you were zapped through space and time. One minute you were in the bar and the next you had blinked and found yourself in Bobby’s living room. Looking down, you realized your beer was still in your hand. You brought it to your lips and finished it before setting it on the coffee table. Shit. You looked around the room and noticed Cas had disappeared again. Traitor. You mumbled to yourself. Picking up your empty beer bottle, you walked to the kitchen to find the trashcan and froze in the doorway.

Dean was leaning against the counter, legs crossed in front of him, looking at something on his phone. This was the first time you have seen him up close in at least two years. He was just as gorgeous as you remembered. You swore you could feel your heart skip a beat in your chest when he looked up at you and straightened. Anger filled Dean’s eyes and his jaw started to tick. Putting his phone down on the counter, he stared at you and you stared back at him and waited for him to say something. Anything. It felt like an eternity passed before he walked over to you, plucked the bottle from your hand, and tossed it in the bin behind him. Turning back to you, Dean looked you over and you panicked internally. His expression became angrier, his nose flaring slightly and his lips pursed. With gritted teeth, he said, 

“Look who Cas dragged in.” 

His words cut you, even more than his glare. You knew he was beyond pissed. You tried to turn to leave when Dean’s large hand had reached up to grip your chin, turning you back to face him. He continued to stare at you and you stared back up into his eyes. Suddenly, his arms were around you, gripping you so tightly you were having a hard time breathing. Dean’s smell surrounded you and you felt his stubbled chin rest on the top of your head. You had never hugged each other like this. Closing your eyes, you wrapped your arms around Dean and breathed him in. You knew an argument was coming but right now you would just enjoy being held by the man you love.

To Be Continued... 

Dean Girls: 

@akshi8278​

[jawritter]

Living With Regret

Summary: Death can be hard to deal with in any aspect, but when you’re in the life, it's something you deal with all to often, and carry with you until it's your turn to burn.

Warnings: Angst, Drinking, mentions of OC character death, swearing, hints of depression. I think that's it.

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Reader

Word Count: 2387

A/N: This is a Patreon Exclusive that I’m bringing to Tumblr as a way to celebrate the return of my electricity! LOL! Please do not copy my work! This fic is unbeta'd, so all mistakes are mine!! I hope you all enjoy this one!!

Want more? Check out my Masterlist! Not on Patreon yet? Check the link below and for just two bucks a month you can get exclusive stories and make request!

**MASTERLIST**     **BECOME A PATREON**

The hunt was bad, very bad. You had lost a friend, another piece to the puzzle of your heart now gone permanently from you, leaving a new hole to form a hard callous over. You wondered ideally as you pulled your duffle off your shoulder, and dropped it onto your bed if you would ever get used to losing people, or would ever one hurt as bad as the first time?

You knew hunting was hard when you’d gotten into it, but how could you live in a world that monster existed in, and not try and fight back? To you that would have been just like rolling over and giving up. 

 When that Werewolf back in your hometown had killed your parents, you had readily joined the Winchesters. Much to Dean’s dismay, he would have rather you go on to try and live a normal life, but how were you supposed to do that after what had happened to you? Nothing had ever been fixed by anyone burying your head in the sand, and pretending that it didn’t exist in hopes it would all go away. 

You had been with the boys since John had died. So it was safe to say that you had been with them long enough to know that no matter how much you were hurting right now Dean was hurting that much worse. 

He didn’t know Ben very well, but he carried the same name as Lisa’s son. That alone had opened up some bad memories for Dean anyway. Tonight though, as you watched your friend’s body burn, you could see it in Dean’s eyes, regret. 

He didn’t open up very often to anyone. Dean had walls that would have made the architects of Jericho jealous. Marching around those bad boys for seven days wouldn’t have done shit, because you had been marching around them for years and to no avail. 

You had always carried a torch for the elder Winchester. Even though you weren’t dumb enough to tell him that. If Dean thought anyone was getting too close to him he’d push them away as a way of “keeping them safe,” because he believed that he had some target painted on his ass that would doom anyone he cared about. 

The two of you had somewhat of a “friends with benefits” arrangement that worked out well for the life that you lived, and you were determined that if that part of him was all you could have, then that would be enough.

Dean had two settings after a rough hunt, he’d either be in here tearing your clothes off, and using you as a way to erase some of the pain he felt for just a little while, or he’d shut down completely for days and not let anyone in. Looks like tonight was going to be the latter. 

You rummage around in your special stash of whiskey that you keep for special occasions, and a couple of tumblers before heading to Dean’s room. If Dean wanted to shut down and block everyone out then you knew the only way to stop it was to force your way in, well as far as you could anyway, and try to pull it out of him. 

Dean was the kind of guy that carried things with him. He never let it go. Never. He held onto things better than a nun with a grudge. He carried every loss, every mistake, every failure, and he would take it to his grave. You attributed that to John Winchester’s A+ parenting. 

Dean was always to be the perfect son and in turn the perfect soldier. Even though you know Dean as an adult now realized that John was nothing but a narcissistic, abusive asshole, he was his dad, and it still hurt, and he still carried the way he raised him. 

You didn’t bother knocking on the door of Dean’s room. It was cracked away. So you just pushed it open, and Dean barely even turned to look at you from his position on the bed with his headphones in place. You could faintly hear the classic rock music blaring through them. Probably hoping it would be loud enough to drown out whatever voices in his head that was screaming at him tonight. 

He pulled the headphones off with a sigh, and set them on his nightstand next to his bed, giving you a weak smile as he shoved over to give you sitting room, and taking one of the tumblers and the whiskey from your hand. 

“Spill Winchester?” you said, flopping down next to him dramatically, trying to keep this conversation as light as possible so that Dean wouldn’t just shut down, and stop talking. If you could even get him to start that is. 

Dean let out a long exasperated sigh as he poured a healthy three fingers to each glass. 

“Just… I don’t know. I guess I’m just tired tonight, sweetheart. I'll be fine in the morning.” Dean said, taking a generous drink from his glass. You stared at him with narrow eyes until he snorted a sarcastic laugh, and shook his head. “Okay, so you didn’t buy that then.” 

“How long have we known each other, De? I think I can tell when you're bullshitting me by now,” you state matter of factly, watching him closely as you take a sip of your drink.

Dean licked his lips before pulling his plump bottom lip between his perfect white teeth, eyes a thousand miles away from this room. 

“I guess I’m just tired of losing people, Y/N/N. I’m sorry I couldn’t be there fast enough to save Ben. I’m sorry you had to burn your friend’s body tonight.”

You watched him closely, knowing full well that wasn’t even a scratch on the surface of what was really going on with Dean. You had known him too long. You decided to play along anyway, and see if you could get him to open up to you a little.

“Dean, it’s part of the job. Ben knew the risk, and it didn’t matter how fast we got there it was too late. He drew the short straw. It could have easily been any one of us. At least now Ben can rest, at least now he doesn’t have to fight anymore.” 

You hoped you sounded convincing because right now you weren’t even sure about how much rest people got in death. You had killed enough ghosts and fought enough Demons to know that you didn’t always get a white robe, and a beach house on the shores of paradise when you died.

Dean nodded his head, and took a long drink from his glass, polishing it off, and refilling it before settling into his pillow that was propped against his headboard. His eyes looked distant and dark, and you knew that even if you got him to open up just a little tonight, it would scratch the surface of horrors Dean had seen in his life.

“I have lost so many people. Friends, family, other hunters that died way before their time like Ben. He would have been pretty close to Ben’s age by now, he may have been only a few years older than the Ben I knew.” 

Dean’s eyes shifted over to you carefully. You sat quietly and just waited for him to continue. Determined not to push him in any way.

“I will never not regret exposing them to this life, even if Cas did erase their memories,”  Dean said, shaking his head, and playing with the string on his sweatpants. 

“You mean because you still love Lisa?” you asked, mentally slapping yourself before for not keeping your mouth shut, and asking him something so personal. Dean chuckled at the shocked look on your face, knowing damn well you didn’t mean to say that.

“No, I never loved Lisa. She was… Comfort when I needed the distraction after Sam went to the cage. Then, when I found out Sam was back, she was a burden. She never supported me. No matter what I never fit into her perfect little Stepford husband, picture-perfect family. 

You must have had a shocked look on your face because Dean chuckled again into his glass before he refilled yours.  “Don’t look so shook, sweetheart.” 

“Sorry,” you mumbled, looking down at the brown liquor in your glass, and avoiding Dean’s watchful gaze.  

“I guess, I just always thought that you loved her because you told Sam to never bring her up again.” 

Dean nodded his head thoughtfully. “That was regret talking. I felt like shit because I felt like I ruined their lives. When I should have just left them alone. If I would have just left them alone, then Lisa wouldn't have gotten possessed, and almost died, and Bed would have maybe had a real dad.” 

You thought about that in silence for a long time before taking a sip of your drink again. Letting it burn all the way down to your toes, warming you, pushing the cold you felt inside away for just a little while.

“I guess I haven’t really ‘loved’ anyone, since Cassie,” Dean said. Now that a crack in the dam had formed, it all seemed to be waiting to flood out, and you were more than willing to listen. 

“I told her things about me no one else knew. I trusted her, and she ripped my heart out. Not once, but twice. After that, I’ve never really been able to let go again. Never really could trust another woman. I wouldn’t let myself get close to anyone. Well, anyone except you.” Dean said, giving her a half-hearted smile before turning his attention back to his spot he’d been staring at on the wall. 

“I carry so much regret. Things I could have changed but wasn’t good enough or fast enough to change. Joe and Ellen died because of me. Ash died because of me. Bobby died trying to save me. I left Jack alone with mom knowing that he was unstable, so that’s on me too. Kevin is somewhere staggering around a ghost that I will probably have to hunt and salt and burn one day. That’s because of me. I let myself get close to one woman, and she fucked me up so bad that I can’t get past it, and that’s because of me.”

Dean let out a dry laugh before his eyes turned to meet yours. “I can’t look back on one damn thing I’ve done in my life that I can say I’m proud of. Except for maybe the fact that Sammy turned out okay. Other than that I was never good enough, and I never will be.” 

If your heart could have stopped beating, and you still be breathing, at that moment you were almost sure that’s what had happened. The truth in his little declaration, or at least the truth as he saw it, was enough to break your heart into an unfixable, shattered mess. 

If only he could see what you saw. Someone who was smart, handsome, funny, charismatic, talented, strong, a hero. One who had endured more hurt and heartache than any one person should ever have to in their life. Someone who was constantly cut down, and underrated. Someone who deserved so much better than what this life had given him. Someone who deserved love, whether he believed it or not.

In a momentarily fit of bravery, you reached across the empty space in between you, and grabbed his hand in your own. Dean looked down and smiled a little, lacing his fingers with yours before bringing the back of your hand up to his lips, brushing a quick peck across your skin. 

“Dean, you can’t blame yourself for everything that goes wrong, John was an asshole, Cassie was a bitch, Lisa was an unsupportive moron who didn’t realize what she had, Jo? Well, Jo died a hero, just like she always wanted. Ash and everyone else knew the dangers of this life, just like Ben did, and you can’t carry all that with you all the time. Dean, you’ve saved so many people. The good outways the bad, trust me.”

Dean’s eyes searched yours for a moment before he leaned in and closed the distance between you, brushing his lips lightly over your own before kissing you slowly. It was a tender thing, one that was laced with fear, and hurt, and regret, something that Dean would always live with no matter what you say to him. 

This life comes with some form of regret to everyone, but no one should have to shoulder it all alone. If he’d ever just let you, you’d gladly help to shoulder some of his burdens, but tonight was not the night to talk about that. 

Tonight, tonight Dean just needed you to be close to him. So that’s what you intended to do. 

When Dean finally broke the kiss he leaned his forehead against your own, taking a deep breath before pulling the covers back, offering her a spot next to him. “Stay with me tonight baby girl?” he said in more of a plea than a question. You smiled and nodded, making yourself comfortable in his arms as his lips brushed over your own again after he flipped the lights off on the old lamp sitting on his bedside table.

Dean didn’t know how to tell you yet, but you made him feel things he never thought he’d feel again. Having you this close to him right now, made his heart feel like it could beat a little easier. He could feel himself falling for you as you fell asleep in his arms. He wouldn’t tell you though, not right now. He did vow that it would be soon because tomorrow wasn’t promised, and he was determined that this time, this time he could finally have that thing he was missing the most in the shitstorm of regret, hurt, and scars, and that was you. The piece that had been missing all along. He may have lived his whole life with regret, but that didn’t mean he had to die in it, and whether you knew it or not, you gave him something he never thought he’d have again… Hope.

Forever Tags: @deanmonandnegansbitch​ @hayleeharling​ @flamencodiva​ @coldmuffinbanditshoe​ @bxbyizzy​ @rain-dance-goblin​ @itmejado​ @supernatural3002​ @teresa-67​ @deanwanddamons​ @rvgrsbrns​ @bi-danvers0​ @onethirstyunicorn​ @i-love-superhero​ @akshi8278​ @lyss-dw79​ @magssteenkamp​ @lemondropirwin​ @squirrelnotsam​ @hobby27​ @spnbaby-67​ @mrsjenniferwinchester​ @defenderrosetyler​ @screechingartisancashbailiff​ @thecreatiivecorner​ @aflamboyanceofgays @vicmc624​ @busy-bee-angel-misska​ @justanotherwinchester​ @brilovesdeanwinchester​ @idksupernatural​ @lyarr24 @amandamdiehl​ @love-jackles-37-blog​ @miraclesoflove​ @Waywardsistershy @emoryhemsworth​ @dean-winchesters-gardian-angel​ @softsebastian​ @tatted-trina6​

[worksongdean]

so like this isn’t gonna be coherent at all but bear with me, bc i just watched the bad boys ep for the first time (i’ve been putting it off for Reasons™️) and uhhhhhhh insert that john mulaney “now we don’t have time to unpack ALL of that” meme but like i’m gonna try.

So first things first: John Winchester aka shittiest dad of the millennia. This may be an unpopular opinion but after watching bad boys I can comfortably say that John Winchester is an even worse father than god was. GOD. I was gonna brush over the fact that we all knew which is John probably didn’t even give Dean enough money for food to begin with, BUT upon thinking about it that’s a more important point than it seems because when Dean is first explaining to Sam why he went to a boys’ home he says he lost the money playing cards. Now at first that might just seem like some irresponsible teenage shit, but when you think about it it’s not because Dean was probably playing that card game in the first place because he knew John hadn’t given them enough money so he was trying to get more, but through some bad luck or whatever he ends up losing it instead. That then causes Dean to have to steal food because how else is he going to feed Sam, because let’s face it that boy was not thinking about feeding himself at that point, evidenced by when Sonny confronts Dean about him being hungry after the cop leaves in the first flashback. So then Dean gets caught and when John is told that Dean’s been arrested for stealing food, aka taking care of Sam, aka doing the ONE THING John has been hammering into his head since he was 4 years old, he tells the officer that Dean “can rot in jail”...... WHAT KIND OF BACKWARDS ASS SHITTY ASS PARENTING.....anyway I digress. Now imagine being Dean, 16 years old trying to be a mother and a father to his 12 year old little brother because their actual dad pretty much left them to starve while he was off on some revenge quest, and hearing that said father has abandoned him for doing the one thing he had always taught Dean to do. I know Dean is an emotionally repressed bastard even as a teen, but dear god I wanted him to burst into tears when he heard that. Not because I think he deserves to be upset, but yes I do think he deserves to be upset. Let me explain. I wish Dean never had to go through what he went through, but he deserved to feel upset that his father was gonna let him “rot in jail”, because what kind of a father does that? Dean deserved to feel that pain and heartbreak instead of bottling it all up and pushing it down. Also as an aside because I just remembered, why the hell is the cop (this is a rhetorical question bc cops are shit and it was the 90s) that arrested Dean not suspicious as fuck when this father says his son can “rot in jail” for stealing some bread and peanut butter?

Okay moving on before I become even more unhinged over John Winchester’s shitty parenting. Next I want to talk about Dean’s stay at Sonny’s and what that means to me in light of the finale. So we find out that he only stayed at Sonny’s for 2 months, which I honestly thought he was there for longer but anyways. It’s in that 2 months that we find out just how much Dean thrives in a normal home environment, or as normal as he can get anyway. As we find out in the diner flashback with Sonny, Dean is doing good in school, he’s making friends, and he’s joined the wrestling team which why join a sports (which he is very good at, looking at you championship certificate) team if he doesn’t plan on sticking around but again I digress. Now I know we tend to say that at Dean’s point in life now (bc he’s not dead fuck the finale) he wouldn’t be able to deal with/wouldn’t want the whole apple pie life, but at 16 years old Dean still hasn’t gotten fully entangled in the hunter lifestyle. Dean doesn’t want to be a hunter and for the first time (and probably last time bc I sincerely doubt Dean thought he had actually gotten out with Lisa and Ben), he sees a viable way out. Aside from Sonny’s talk with Dean at the diner, we also see evidence of this in Dean’s flashbacks of him and Robin, especially the one during their guitar lesson. When he and Robin are talking about what they want in life, Dean says he doesn’t want to follow in his father’s footsteps. He dreams of being a rockstar and wants to be a mechanic, a job where once he’s done with the cars (cases) he can let them go and he doesn’t have to worry about carrying them with him when he’s done with them. He dates this girl, he takes cute pictures with her, he wants to take her to a school dance. He begins to settle into a normal life in one place in a way he hasn’t been able to since he was four years old. And it all gets ripped away by his father who abandoned him, who only comes back for Dean when it’s convenient for him, because that’s all he sees Dean as, a soldier, daddy’s blunt instrument. And Dean is devastated that he’s losing his chance at a normal life. We see that he is visibly upset, even if it’s just for a minute before he pushes it away because even though Sonny told him that sometimes he needs to do things for himself, he still needs to take care of Sam.

Which brings me to the finale. God is gone and for the first time in his life Dean gets a true chance at freedom and the chance to live his life the way he wants to. (This is solely about Dean so I’m not even gonna talk about Cas and destiel bc that’s a whole ‘nother post.) In the beginning of the hellscape that is the finale, we see Dean getting to sleep in and waking up to his dog jumping into his bed, we see him go to a pie festival with his brother just because he wants to. With no big bad to chase after he goes to this festival that before would have been a trivial thing, but now it’s something he goes to because he can. Because for the first time in his life he gets to decide what he wants to do with it. And that includes hunting. Like I said before, I doubt Dean would ever be able to completely give up hunting. It’s something he’s good at and he likes helping people. He wants to help people. And if that means the occasional motw hunt between shifts at the garage, because even 25 years later Dean still wants to be a mechanic, then so be it.

Now what really gets on my fucking tits is that while on one of these routine hunts, a “milk run” as Dean would say, something that he has done hundreds, possibly thousands of times before, Dean is killed. This man who has spent his whole life doing what other people wanted, who sacrificed himself over and over again for the people he loved, even when they left him, is killed the second he gets the chance to do what he wants and just live. What’s worse is the fact that this hunt was one of John’s old cases that he failed to solve, because even from the grave John Winchester is still able to ruin his son’s life.

Now aside from the whole “bury your gays” problem, because I firmly believe Dean was killed for being queer, what kind of a message does that send to your audience? That no matter how hard you may work for a good and happy life, no matter how much you may want it don’t you dare think you deserve to have it. Especially if you’re queer, neurodivergent, suicidal, whatever. In the end you’re just a pawn for everyone else in your life

[septembersghost]

do you ever think about the fact that if he spent a year with lisa and ben, it means he got a christmas with them?

yes. it means he had a birthday with them too. (though whether or not he told them this is debatable. imagine him not telling them, and having a perfectly ordinary day, and it’s still the best birthday he ever had, except for the gaping hole that is sam, which is unavoidable at the center of everything, which he is trying to move past, which he is thrashing about in the night...). they had a thanksgiving (did he help cook? that’s not the type of thanksgiving he would ever have been accustomed to, but it seems like something he’d want to help with). we know they had a halloween, sam picks ben’s mask up out of the trunk and comments on its accuracy, which means...dean helped ben make it.

since i watched ‘let it bleed’ this morning...don’t think about the soft, broken way dean calls her “honey” after she’s stabbed. don’t think about how gently he has to carry her, how he has to make ben carry and shoot the rifle. (don’t think about how sam knows how to floor it to get to the hospital...) don’t think about the way he’s sitting vigil at her bedside. how when cas heals her, he says thank you, but that it doesn’t change anything.

when he comes in and apologizes for being the one who “hit them,” and he says he lost control for a while. (“I'm the guy who hit you..I lost control for a minute, and I just wanted to say that I'm sorry. I'm real happy you two are both okay. And uh, I'm just - I'm glad your life can get back to normal now.”) it’s loaded with double meaning because that story is a cover, but it’s also how he feels. he sees himself as the car cash that plowed in and decimated their lives. he thinks allowing himself to be with them for even a moment was a failure and a loss of control on his part, and he will never allow that again. everything that crowley and castiel are responsible for in that episode is his worst nightmare confirmed - every terrible thing about himself (he has to be a torturer to extract information, he slaps ben to get him to keep it together, these are horrors for dean), every worst fear about people he loves being exposed, used, hurt. when he starts to crumble as he walks out of that hospital room, and forcibly composes himself.

and tbh that episode is disturbing on multiple levels for me, but when sam says that whitewashing their memories is one of the shadiest things dean has ever done, sam is right. it’s an awful decision. the trouble is, it’s all too much for dean, and he can’t live their blood-soaked lives knowing that lisa and ben are out there, worrying about him, remembering him, constantly under threat, seen as pawns. dean is the thing in the dark. he can’t do it. and he tells sam he will break his nose if he ever mentions them again, and it is ugly and cruel for everyone involved. dean doesn’t have his own memory erased, but he takes whatever he remembers, whatever he feels for them, and puts it in a box, and seals it away.

fandom is so weirdly nasty to lisa and pretends like she doesn’t understand, but i personally think she does. the moment sam comes back, it’s over. i already said this in the other ask about them a couple of days ago, but i believe she knows, as much as a third party CAN know, that in comparison to sam, she and everyone else will always lose. the most unhealthy, tangled-up, crazy thing. she tries hard to keep him loosely in their life anyway because she cares, she’s independently willed and compassionate, she wants to give him a safe place to return to. but it’s too painful. nobody can live like that, with a flickering part of someone you long to have there as a constant. waiting to receive news that he’s dead.

yes, she says, “i’m close to my sister,” and we all get that it is not the same thing, she didn't have to raise her sister, she hasn’t stitched up her sister’s wounds in dingy motel rooms, she hasn't traded her soul and been tortured in hell for her sister, but you can’t blame her for using that frame of reference, to try to make sense of it. and dean tries, for a breath, to choose them, but it’s not possible, not when he’s everyone else’s most wanted, when he’s manipulated and conscripted back into the fight. monsters are always hungry, darling, but it isn’t the monsters alone. it’s their flesh and blood. it’s the cosmic forces. it’s the inexorable call of the fight. there is no rest, there is no real safe place.

so he gets a year, a christmas, something homemade in the oven, lights on a tree, a hand to hold instead of a knife, but it’s sand in the hourglass. it slips and slips and the palms of his hands are cut up and scrambling for purchase on the shore, and the swan song didn’t end anything, and cage doors come unlocked and we have to heal what walks beyond them, and it’s a mirage. he could live there, with the edges shimmering, but something is always going to come along and tear them apart. better to leave. he has to let it bleed.

(He was not dead yet, not exactly— parts of him were dead already, certainly other parts were still only waiting for something to happen, something grand, but it isn’t always about me, he keeps saying, though he’s talking about the only heart he knows—He could build a city. Has a certain capacity. There’s a niche in his chest where a heart would fit perfectly and he thinks if he could just maneuver one into place— well then, game over. You wonder what he’s thinking when he shivers like that. What can you tell me, what could you possibly tell me? Sure, it’s good to feel things, and if it hurts, we’re doing it to ourselves, or so the saying goes, but there should be a different music here. There should be just one safe place in the world...x)