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roominthecastle · 6 years ago

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“Anybody can become angry, that is easy; but to be angry with the right person, and to the right degree, and at the right time, and for the right purpose, and in the right way, that is not within everybody’s power, that is not easy.” - Aristotle, The Art of Rhetoric

Well, look at that ancient Greek dude rolling out a pitch-perfect summary of - what I currently consider to be - Liz’s core issue on TBL. My core issue is that I cannot keep things brief, so I’ll poke this some more bc damn S5 was so much better than I expected, and it left me with an urge to try and sort this canon mess into sth I can swallow.

What’s the deal with Liz, why is her relationship with Red in such a terrible shape at the end of S5, and why is that a likely promise of better things to come?

It’s possible to look at this deterioration as a more or less continuous (organic!) process that reaches back at the very beginning; a process to which both characters have contributed their fair share over the years and now they are reaping the consequences and setting themselves up for a potentially healing collision.

I. Liz has narcissistic traits. Red is a natural born charmer with closely-guarded secrets and a pervasive guilt-complex. Putting them together is like putting mints in a bottle of coke: even on a perfect sunny day it's the kind of fun that leaves a mess.

II. Liz’s traits are amplified by Red’s behavior and Red’s behavior is warped by Tom’s presence. When Red scales things back (i.e. stops going on guilt-trips whenever others don’t feel like facing the consequences of their actions), it only makes things worse. This is the dark side of their intense "lock and key" dynamic, the deep angst pit that has been fore-fronted since S3B due to a rapid sequence of betrayals Red suffers from those closest to him. Tom triggers both empathy and repulsion in him, which in turn feeds his self-hatred and prompts him to keep enabling Liz out of guilt, creating an unsustainable bubble that finally bursts in S5.

III. The current name of the game for Liz is repression and denial, for Red it’s still obsession and rumination. At any given time Liz works off of a partial image of him, which is less about him keeping things from her and more about her purposefully ignoring parts of him in a misguided and doomed attempt to keep an illusion of safe simplicity (she does this with Tom, too). Meanwhile Red displays clear signs of compassion fatigue, which comes with its own destructive habits and distortions of reality.

IV. Sprinters are bad at running marathons. This simple truth has been a background tension factor in the Red/Liz relationship from the get-go. It’s mirrored in Red’s earlier troubles with Madeline and in Liz’s “Tom problem”. It keeps them united yet out of sync, which leads to misunderstandings, doubts, and quite a lot of friction.

more on these behind the cut:

I. Liz has narcissistic traits. Red is a natural born charmer.

Liz has a narcissistic streak and a tendency to delude herself as a messed-up coping mechanism, all of which she voices right off the bat in the pilot episode when Cooper asks her to profile herself (and to give us a brief intro to the character). These manifest chiefly as

(1) angry, aggressive outbursts (2) a sense of entitlement/egocentrism (3) blame-shifting

and she displays these traits to varying degrees throughout the show.

Now add to these the standard “Reddington Effect” that gets pointed out by other characters, articulating what Liz has been feeling since day one:

“There's no one on earth who can make a woman feel like the center of his universe more than Raymond Reddington.” (204)

“I was star-struck. It was exciting and captivating and... it consumed me. My work, my marriage.” (411)

We can also witness this "soft power” in action when Red approaches Zoe, Berlin’s daughter, to use her against her father. We can see how easily he can charm and pull people in to get what he wants. Sometimes it hilariously backfires - as it should - but that’s beside the point rn. The point is, Liz seems to receive this standard treatment, too, and she’s immediately, intensely receptive to it.

We can see both the positive (fascination-attraction) and the negative (rejection-aggression) side of this chemistry early on. She gets exposed to Red’s regular charm routine but it’s ultimately a v different experience because what those women quoted above don’t know (and what Liz still doubts) is that with her, his feelings run very, very deep. She is both the means and the end, the journey and the destination. Neither can walk this road without the other but walk it they must.

II. Liz’s traits are amplified by Red’s behavior and Red’s behavior is warped by Tom’s presence.

Thank God I have Tom, because with you, I never know what to believe. I have never lied to you. How the hell would I know?

Red’s secretive, seductive, guilt-ridden behavior feeds Liz’s narcissistic impulses.

(1) His ingrained "I will never tell you everything” ground rule regularly forms a volatile mix with her proneness to irritability and anger. There are countless examples of this (often understandable) reaction with a wide range that goes from a raised voice to actual physical aggression.

(2) It also clashes with her belief that she's automatically entitled to be told everything, regardless of the possibility that knowing might not make much difference to her but could get others killed, or the fact that she’s often careless w/ sensitive info and sometimes straight-up ignores the answer anyway.

This is an irresponsible and wasteful way of going about getting answers. Wanting to know doesn't entitle anyone to know. It's not at all surprising that Red - whose very life depends on carefully calculated discretion - is rarely fully forthcoming. Still, this is a major source of friction, esp as it seems to run counter to him telling her how special she is and treating her as such with a consistency that most well-adjusted people would fall for. A narcissistic personality like hers stands even less chance. This triggers jealousy and possessiveness very early on, and later engenders a full-blown expectation that when push comes to shove, he would always put her needs above anybody else’s, including his own. This (partially conditioned) expectation is in play e.g. when Tom re-enters her life and also when he violently leaves it again.

(3) Red is also burdened with a lot of chronic guilt which makes him an easy target for blame-shifting by those select few he loves. He often allows Liz to push blame on him for things he is not responsible for and he suffers in silence because “in his heart, he knows he must pay”. This also enables her to delude herself into thinking that he's indeed the unified source of all her problems, which makes her receptive to Mr. Kaplan’s terrible Solution to Nothing that targets him as such. Red has branded himself a “sin eater” and this gets taken full advantage of in a way that veers into emotional abuse. It paves the way for Operation Possum and its fallout that ripples across the next two seasons.

These 3 major negative “lock and key” interactions combine and reach a very unhealthy peak in S3/B. Liz’s thoughtless, pointless fake death stunt pushes Red to an edge he barely manages to pull himself back from, and it throws a wrench in the delicate cogwheels of their relationship where the degree of functionality and “healthiness” has always hinged on proportionate reciprocity (of good and bad alike). The faked death plan is - among other things - so disproportionately cruel and so exceptionally dumb and pointless, it unhinges this interplay.

It shakes Red from his grief- and guilt-induced stupor and cracks his habit of putting Liz on a pedestal. In S4 it is now Dembe who gets to be referred to as the "light in the darkness", which, given the changed circumstances, is a much better arrangement for both Liz and Red. Red would never ask anyone to carry this burden but the truth is, he needs someone like that by his side to keep him from falling to pieces. Dembe is a centered, reliable, well-adjusted person who can carry this heavy weight. Liz can't and she shouldn't, either. Now Dembe needs to be the lighthouse keeper as they navigate their stormy relationship.

On top of pulling Liz from the pedestal, Red also begins to scale back his willingness to play buffer and absorb blame. He pushes back against the kind of behavior he partially conditioned and enabled. He refuses to give in to Mr. Kaplan’s absurd and reckless vendetta that still targets him as the “root of all evil” in Liz’s life. He refuses to keep serving as a scapegoat for Tom’s failings and Liz’s self-imposed blindness, but the most significant “slight” contributing to the big fracture in his relationship with her is his refusal to share the secret of the bag.

“That’s why you’re here. That’s… Not to help me, not to avenge Tom’s death, but to help yourself and get your precious secret back.”

It is less about the secret itself and more about Red prioritizing it above her. She is jealous again but this time it is not directed at a person but at his “precious secret” that ultimately separates him from her, and once again it masquerades as projected and misplaced anger stemming from her deeper desire for their relationship to be close and genuine.

We have been here before when the Fulcrum surfaced:

"That's why you came into my life then. And that's why you're here now. Not because of me or who I am to you, whatever connection we might have, but because of some... object. Some thing."

and after her name gets cleared in S3/B:

I thought maybe after all we've been through the past three months that you might want to take a break. It's a mythic battle, and it's not anywhere close to being over. It's your battle, not mine.

and then again with the bag of bones. “Not me but” is the underlying issue that gets to her in each of these instances and it always manifests as anger.

From her warped perspective (warped by pain, confusion, and narcissism) he is deeply hurting her and taking everything from her to keep himself safe and cozy. It is the complete betrayal of her (partially conditioned but still unreasonable) expectation that he’d always put her and her needs first. In her eyes, this is again proof that their relationship, just like the one with Tom, has been a mere tool, a manufactured illusion, which - coupled with the impostor reveal - must truly mean Red never really cared for her at all.

But her assessment is once again dead wrong because she refuses to take a careful look at all the available information in proper context - a broader context where her personal issues are not the only ones of importance and where Red not bending to her every wish, esp those that make him deeply miserable or an instant murder victim, is not a sign of lack of genuine feelings but of a healthier attitude. She is also projecting anger at her own dishonesty with herself on him, and while it worked back when Red was receptive to it bc it was conducive to his self-flagellation, this messed up coping mechanism is finally breaking down, too, due to his increasing resistance and the multiplying events that signal he was never that alleged single source of evil.

"We want the same thing."

Indeed. It's the need underpinning Liz's anger, the same one Red has already articulated, albeit indirectly: "an inextricable intimacy and a commitment." Liz uses anger to express this, Red uses fish stories and Tom.

We were both half right. Together, we were right.

Liz sees Red's commitment forever lying elsewhere: with his precious secrets. Red sees Liz's commitment tied up in her relationship with Tom even after his betrayal, even after his literal death. They’ve been longing for the other to break away and commit, but this longing still manifests indirectly and out of sync: she pulls Tom between them like a guardrail (and DG, too), so Red flees into his “work” as a defensive response, which she interprets as lack of genuine interest and withdraws further into safe denial, and we have a vicious cycle on our hands. Despite all that, she still wants him to give up his secrets and he still wants her to give up her fixation on Tom. It’s no accident Red is so captivated by her when she describes her fantasy to him. It’s v much his, too.

But they both feel betrayed right now and both cling to their respective security blankets: Red to his secrets, Liz to her anger.

III. The current name of the game for Liz is repression and denial, for Red, it’s obsession and rumination.

Liz's remark about Red during her therapy session is telling and relevant here:

"Some of what he's done is unimaginably bad. But some of what he's done for me is unimaginably good."

She has been privy to many good things Red has done for others (hell, an entire county once) but those are not factored in when she evaluates his "goodness". No, this is about her and again, it produces only a partial image. It is a good start to say to an outsider that they don’t have the full picture of who he is (or can be) and therefore their understanding is skewed. However, the same goes for Liz and she refuses to accept that her POV is limited, too, and that she is complicit in it being so. DG is a prime example: she is handed a DNA test and everything that contradicts the result is pushed aside at once. The same happened when Tom told her he was a changed man: she ignored the contradictions, so she could have the illusion of stability. Red withholds information but it’s Liz who blatantly lies to herself about many things.

But back to the quote above: so only what Red does for her is weighed on the scale of goodness. Only that defines his moral character. It is decidedly untrue but again it's a manifestation of possessiveness and something Red partially conditioned in her in moments where e.g. he says saving her helps him live w/ himself (104) or where he implies that being with her allows him to become less of a monster (209). As a result, he is reduced to something less but something confined to her, something conveniently simplified that - depending on her need - is easier to either embrace or scapegoat. When he goes along with what she wants (whether it is actually good or not), he is a welcome, positive presence. When he refuses her (no matter how justified or necessary it is), he is deemed toxic and gets rejected. But after Tom inserts himself back into their lives and after the fake death betrayal, Red seems to have less and less willingness to silently confine himself to her whims and wishes, and they finally reach a breaking point in S5.

Fans on both sides of the "why does Red care so much about Liz" fence focus heavily on love as his primary drive, and label the nature of the R/L relationship accordingly: parental and romantic respectively. What else could explain such grandiose display of unconditional love other than being related or being in love? To quote Red, "perhaps there's a third option." There is and despite it being on full display (or maybe because of it since the show has conditioned us to assume a convoluted mystery everywhere) we often overlook its importance:

With Red, guilt is the operative word. This is the governing emotion right next to love (a more recent development) to which many of his grand gestures are anchored. The pervasiveness of guilt in Red's life is pointed out several times in the show, most notably in episodes 104, 216, and 319:

“The farmer, who is no longer a farmer sees the wreckage he's left in his wake. It is now he who burns. It is he who slaughters. And he knows, in his heart he must pay.”

“The truth of it is, once you start down this road there's no logical place to stop. For the first few years, it may work. You'll draw some measure of virtue from being her invisible benefactor. But that won't last. It's all a fraud. That it's really not about her at all. That it's all about you. And you're just going through the motions to salve your own guilt. All the money, all the time and effort, all the favors in the world cannot possibly equal what you took away from her. Everything else is just a nice gesture.”

“It was a Hobson's choice. There was a woman and her child. Both were doomed. Both would die. I could either save one or lose both. I chose the child. It was the worst thing I've ever had to do in my life. Worst thing by far. I was arrogant. I presumed that there was an order to things, that there was... that if I nourished and protected and taught the child, she would be safe and happy. And she was neither. No matter what I tried to do, all I brought her was misery and violence.”

In each, the debilitating nature of guilt is given emphasis, the symptoms of which are exhibited by Red throughout the show. Chronic guilt can be an extremely powerful drive. As Red notes, "once you start down this road there's no logical place to stop". He genuinely believes he owes Liz an immeasurable debt and that nothing, not even wrecking or even giving his own life for her, could make up for it. If we look at his behavior from this perspective, the primary answer to why he is willing to go to such great lengths for her becomes obvious. He loves her, too, of course, but love is - as noted above - is a more recent, healthy development, and it still has to co-exist with deep-seated guilt that keeps it in a toxic choke hold. This combination is the main reason why he cannot deny Liz anything (see: Tom) and why he's so vulnerable to blame shifting. When someone believes they deserve to be used and punished by the one they also come to love more than anything, the danger of abuse skyrockets, too.

Guilt-driven gestures, no matter how grandiose, are ultimately selfish and fake, as Red observes. But after he finally meets her, love starts creeping into the picture, shifting their dynamic and imbuing it with something real and selfless. And Red starts pushing back a little now where Tom is concerned. This sprouting, deepening love, however, gets badly trampled on when the guilt-trips and betrayals come. Red endures them because guilt says "you deserve it", but it no longer has quite the same hold as it once did. Heartbreak is a somewhat sobering experience but until the still unknown source of his guilt is uncovered and addressed, his relationship with Liz, his love for her, cannot reach genuine fulfillment.

IV. Sprinters are bad at running marathons.

Red and Liz want the same thing (as we have established above) but she is impulsive and wants it now whereas he is wary and plans long-term.

“I can’t tell you what I’m gonna want 10 years from now. Even a year from now. I just know what I want right now.”

Liz is no fan of delayed gratification. She has wants and she wants those satisfied "right now" even if it means she has to trade a more secure, more enduring yet still unavailable future (Red) for a readily available present of poorer quality (Tom). The former requires hard work (of the sweat, blood, and tears kind), honest self-evaluation, careful planning, and lots of patience. The latter is just easy and right there, so she cuts straight to the finish line, then it all promptly comes crashing down on her.

This is what happens after her exoneration in S3B. She goes to Red but instead of some quality personal time, he acts prickly and distant, then whips out a giant map to show her how just much hard work still needs to be done before Odysseus can even consider returning home. Her response? She rejects it (and him with it) and goes straight back to Tom. He promises to give her everything she wants right there and then at a discount. She only has to bury her head in the sand regarding a couple of things and since Liz is prone to self-delusion and denial by default, she jumps at the opportunity. This is where her relationship with Red begins to go off the rails.

“Circumstances are far more complex than we ever imagined. I’m betting on the long play. The future.”

Red plays the long game when it comes to the most important things in his life, and he doesn’t shy away from torturous self-examination and self-denial to secure enduring results and a better future for those he loves. Liz’s relationship with Tom was a sprint with many corner-cutting and the inevitable letdown. They had a short present, but no future. With Red, there is a future still but Liz has to run a marathon to reach it and being a sprinter, she struggles a lot.

But she is not the only one struggling. Red is still traumatized by the loss of his family, which makes him instinctively reluctant to try to settle down again. Those who inflicted that debilitating loss still represent an active force in the world (see: the map). The longing to settle down is certainly there. It’s a dream he shares with Liz. They practically wish upon it under the stars while “Our House” is playing, but on top of his guilt and grief, the circumstances seem to be forever against him, so he doesn’t dare actively push for it like she does (he even rejects Agnes at first). He redirects his focus to the “job” to try and create a safer environment and maybe a future opportunity. This folds back to the marathon approach that Liz rejects at first but now, after Tom's demise, she must face. She vows to destroy Red but I don't think it will be a literal destruction. Deep down they still want the same thing and even though they have yet to admit it openly, they want it with each other.

Their time spent on the run in S3/A is immersed in the theme of a shared home. Liz and Red seek refuge in a theater where the stage is set as a home. This is where Liz tells Red about her fantasy and this is where Red immediately retreats behind a wall when he realizes that Liz will be pulled back into Tom's orbit.

“I’m not interested in what you want. I’m interested in what you deeply desire. I can sense that death and vengeance aren’t what drive you, Elizabeth. Or feed your soul. [What does?] A lost world, I suspect. Another life. If you can’t face your truths, I can’t be of service.”

The Djinn makes a clear distinction between “what you want” and “what you deeply desire”. It is echoed in the tension-filled dream Liz has where Red removes Tom from the picture just when he is about to spill a secret (nice piece of foreshadowing btw), then stalks up to her bed and asks her the same thing - not just what she wants but what she really wants. This image of Red stepping up as a sexual-romantic partner after her husband’s demise is shoved deep down in her subconscious. It is one she is not yet ready to face, but it is there - the option of making a home with him, an option he, too, keeps at arm’s length due to past trauma and present circumstances, and it adds even more tension to their interplay.

This exact type of unresolved tension has already popped up on this show when Madeline Pratt re-entered Red's life w/ some grievances.

"Florence was everything, our way out, a fresh start. But to you, it’s all just a job."

She feels betrayed and played for a fool because Red chose to continue living his danger-magnet criminal life, prioritizing it over her and their intended home.

"They used Pratt as bait, faked the kidnapping in order to bring Red into the Kings’ custody."

Later on, counting on his savior complex, she lands him in hot water to get even. She stages her own kidnapping and lures Red into a trap set by an enemy with a score to settle. If it sounds familiar, that’s because we see something similar play out between Liz and Red. It’s low-key in the background during S3-4 (w/ the whole home theme) and gets kicked into high-gear in the S5 finale (when Liz thinks he played her for a fool so he can continue living his criminal life):

We were out. You said the ship we were on was headed to Spain. Change of plans. Because? Because after far too much time playing defense, today’s the day we switch to offense.

They could get away and start a new life but Red refuses to quit his "mission". As mentioned above, he tells Liz they still have a lot to do and her reaction is disappointment, and when Tom offers her everything Red is not yet able (to go away and start fresh), she accepts. And this is when their downward spiral begins in earnest and all the accumulated hurt peaks in S5, in Liz's very Madeline-esque plan to fake a kidnapping and lure Red to one of his enemies for some answers and score-settling (the same business the Kings were into w/ their illicit auctions):

If you’re gonna tell him you hurt me, he’s got to believe you. You knew Reddington would come for you. He got to do what he always does: try and save me.

Indeed. And he is about to confess his greatest secret to save her life when they get interrupted and an alternate solution presents itself. He kills Sutton, takes the bag and leaves. Liz vows to destroy him after this and I think she is right. Raymond Reddington needs to die for good this time. He needs to die so the man behind that mask can finally emerge. He needs to die so Liz can finally face and understand the full picture.

Red’s guilt feeds on the secrets he keeps and Liz continues to cling to her anger because these secrets are a wedge between them. The murky past and their distorted perception of it (Red's warped by guilt, Liz's scrambled by memory manipulation) hold them and their relationship hostage, so it must be disclosed and sorted for both their sakes. The second chance will not come until this happens. When it does, I think it will be the most cathartic moment in the history of this show.

This collision course is their way back home.

#long post #the blacklist #lizzington #(not too much i was trying really hard to keep this from turning into a shipper fantasy blueprint)#(emphasis on trying)#speculation #musings #q

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anxietysroomsupport · 4 years ago

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Hey, I don’t want to bother you but I need to rant... Seasonal depression is hitting hard rn and I don’t know what to do. I have multiple things that normally I would be excited about, like my school play getting third in competition and me getting recognized for my performance, but I’m just... not? I wouldn’t really say I’m sad, I mean kinda am but it’s on and off. I’m just not happy. I’m unmotivated. I don’t feel like getting out of bed, I don’t feel like drawing, I don’t feel like performing, I don’t feel like dancing... I usually do these things to cheer myself up, but when I got up and tried to dance today I just felt... tired. Mentally I started out wanting to dance and then just suddenly stopped wanting to, and physically I was dancing then just suddenly felt like I was gonna collapse, not from exhaustion but just because my body decided it didn’t want to do anything anymore. I’m also starting to feel really really anxious because tomorrow is the first day of thanksgiving break and I’m failing 3 classes, on the brink of failing 2 more, and I still physically can’t get myself in the mindset to do any of my work because I just don’t want to. Like I do want to, I know I could do it, I might not get a good grade on it, but I could do it... but my mind refuses to focus and work, and part of me is worried about how my parents are gonna react if they find out how badly I’m failing, but another part of me just doesn’t care because it seems kinda pointless. I know I’m not gonna get good grades, so I don’t want to try at all, but also I know if I don’t try I’m gonna completely flunk and my parents will be pissed... idk, I think I’m just spiraling but I’m really really stressed, my head hurts.

Hey, I’m not sure if my ‘rant’ thing sent or not, but I’m the person who’s failing 3 classes, with another two on the edge of failing... I’m supposed to have a theater competition tomorrow, but if I don’t get two of my failing grades up before the end of today I won’t get to perform. I’m not sure what I feel rn. I guess I feel both anxious because I don’t want to leave my cast-mates hanging, and apathetic because I’ve kinda given up on my grades. I don’t want to fail, obviously, but I just don’t have the capability to care about it anymore... and I’m starting to wonder if I even want to do theater. I’m good at it, and it’s usually really fun, but I just don’t care anymore. I don’t want to get out of bed, I don’t want to go to class, and the thought of getting my grades up now seems completely hopeless. I’m just so fucking tired all the time. Nothings fun anymore. I should’ve just stayed in bed this morning, going to theater practice was pointless. I’m not gonna get to perform. I’m so tired.

Hi Anon,

You are deep in the sad, but we got this, okay?

First things first, make sure you’re hydrated. Dehydration can cause headaches, affect your temperature regulation, and just generally make you feel weird.

Sometimes it’s too big of a mental jump to go from those down-and-out feelings all the way to dancing, and your brain’s telling you that. You might find it easier to take smaller steps, like listening to some music and resting for a while. If the energy to dance comes back to you, you’ll feel it. Check out this bop by mxmtoon on youtube.

You’re doing good with your school competition and performance, but failing your classes. This could be a sign that you’re over-extended. You don’t have enough energy to get everything done, so the things you enjoy more are getting prioritized and your other obligations are getting dropped. Because you’re aware of that, it makes it harder to enjoy your accomplishments. Are there any tasks or obligations in your life that you can let go of to refocus? Anything someone else could take off your plate?

It’s okay to take a break from theater and come back to it later. If it’s causing you stress, it’s better to step back for a minute.

You might not get the best grades, but it’s still worth it to try. One point up or down on your grade point average could end up making a big difference, regardless of where your parents think your grades should be. This semester is nearly over, but spring is coming and it’s a whole new chance to reorganize and try again. Getting something done poorly is still miles better than not doing it at all.

-Miss Fay

#seasonal depression #rant #school #motivation #exhaustion #anxiety #class #failing grades #thanksgiving #parents #stress #headache #edited to add part two my bad

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queercapwriting · 7 years ago

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Hey Cap! Idk if you're still writing rn but could you maybe do one where Alex meets Eliza for lunch and forgets to take off her engagement ring and Eliza notices and realizes and stuff and is protective and wary because it's only been a year but then Maggie comes to pick Alex up at the end of lunch (totally unaware of the sitch) and Eliza just looks at how in love they are (esp Maggie with Alex) and she gives her blessing and it's cute

She hasn’t told her mother yet.

It hurts her – to not.

Eliza gets a lot of things wrong, but she also gets a lot of things right: and while Alex is so good at lying that she can fool a polygraph, the whole secrets thing really doesn’t agree with her.

It had, in the beginning; when she first joined the DEO, when she finally had something of her own. Something all hers, something… something that made her special. In her own right.

But it wore on her, grated on her.

Because secrets really don’t agree with her.

But she hasn’t told Eliza yet – about the ring, about the plans – because she knows what her mother will say, and she just wants to enjoy.

Enjoy being engaged to the woman she loves without the stress of Eliza’s judgment of it’s too soon and are you sure, Alexandra? and you’re just coming out, sweetie, don’t you think you need to expand your horizons a little bit before settling down?

But she also knows that Eliza loves Maggie.

And that’s the second problem with telling her.

Because she wants Eliza’s approval and she wants Eliza’s support – it’s all she’s ever wanted – and Maggie? Maggie has it.

Maybe Eliza won’t be too big of a fan of the engagement right away, but she’s quite fond of the woman who fights for both of her daughters, who plays pool with her science nerd son, who fights crime with her almost son-in-law son (and she really needs to speak to Kara about Mr. Olsen, because really, how could Alex let her let him go?).

And that’s also what Alex is afraid of.

Because they won’t be telling Maggie’s family.

Because Maggie’s family won’t be there, won’t support her, won’t love her.

And if Maggie can’t have her family, a part of Alex doesn’t want her to have to see Alex having hers. Doesn’t want her to go through that pain.

So she hasn’t told her.

But she’s running late – working on new tech with Lena and Winn, on the communicator with Cisco Ramon, always makes her lose track of time – so she forgets.

Forgets to take her engagement ring off.

And Eliza might not be a secret agent, but Alex gets it from somewhere.

She notices. Of course she notices.

“It seems like you have something to tell me, sweetie,” she tells her right after she hugs her, right as they’re sitting down, right after she’s taken stock of the way Alex seems friendly with everyone who works at Noonan’s – right after she’s taken stock of the way Alex seems, now, to interact with people outside her work.

She wonders when that happened, and she thinks it probably has something to do with the ring on her left hand.

“Um, yeah, I told you, Mom – didn’t you get my text? – we were working on an atmospheric – “

“No, no, dear, I know you lost track of time in the lab.” She chuckles softly to herself. “Like mother, like daughter, I suppose. No, Alex, I meant… something else.”

She doesn’t glance down at Alex’s ring; she doesn’t move her eyes from her eldest’s face at all.

She doesn’t have to. Because suddenly, Alex reaches for her left hand, for her fourth finger. She reaches, and she groans.

“Mom, I – it just happened, it’s recent, I didn’t want to um… I didn’t want to tell you on the phone – “

“You mean you didn’t want to tell me.”

“Mom – “

“Is it because you know how soon this is, Alexandra? Maggie’s a sweet girl, honey, a really lovely girl, and I’m not saying you should break up – god knows, she seems good for you, Alex – but marriage? Don’t you think – “

“Don’t you think you should congratulate me, Mom?” Alex deadpans, her voice as cold as the gun in her waistband, and Eliza’s stomach sinks, because her daughter has always been… headstrong.

But the edges of her voice have the damage of a soldier, now, the ice of a warrior, and it breaks her heart.

Especially because she knows – she knows – how much Maggie has been thawing that ice for Alex. With Alex.

“I… yes, dear, I… congratulations, Alexan – Alex – I want to hear all about it. I just… it’s my job to worry about you, Alex, surely you can – “

“Yeah. I get it.”

“Alexandra – “

“I know a year is short, Mom. I know. I know everything you’re going to say. But you know what, our lives are short, too. I almost died, Mom, I was…”

Tears swirl in her eyes suddenly, unwelcome, and she has to remind herself that there is no water filling her lungs. “The whole world almost died. And Maggie… Maggie fought her way through the streets, alone, out of ammo for a quarter of her trip, saving school kids on the way to me. To me, Mom. The world was ending and she fought and saved people on her way to me. I held on for her, for Kara, I held on, I…”

Her voice breaks and her jaw sets, and Eliza finds her hand covering her eldest’s; she finds that she can feel the scar tissues in her daughter’s body, that she can hear the scar tissue around her heart.

“You held on for you, sweetie,” Eliza whispers with a soft smile. “It was your love for them that kept you holding you. You. Your love. Your heart. Your mind has always been brilliant, Alex, but your heart has always been your superpower.”

Alex refuses to break – the entire reason she chose Noonan’s was that a public place would be less likely to precipitate an outburst – but she can’t stop the tears cascading down her face.

“All that, but you still think it’s too soon to get married,” she murmurs, and Eliza sighs.

“I just wonder why a woman, kind as she is, who initially rejected you because you were just coming out would be agreeing to marry you less than a year later, sweetie. Everything you’ve been through can also be an argument for not making big life decisions, you know, dear – “

“Mom, I’m marrying her. That’s the end of it. She’s not manipulating me or taking advantage of what I’ve been through or – “

“Why don’t we just enjoy our time together, Alexandra?” she interrupts, and Alex holds her breath, counts like she’s been working on with Sara Lance, sets her jaw, nods, and tries to keep her hands from trembling.

They stick to calmer topics throughout the rest of lunch – the latest research in bioengineering, Winn and Lena’s latest project, how Lucy’s doing – and they almost make it through without Alex’s phone chiming.

“Sorry,” she stammers, “it’s probably work, I have to – oh!” A smile slips over her face – a smile Eliza has rarely seen, one that seems to reverberate through Alex’s entire body – and she blushes. “Um, Mom, uh… Maggie’s heading over here to get coffee for her colleagues, she uh… she wanted to give me a heads up. Because she knows I’m here with you.”

Eliza stiffens slightly. “Of course, dear, it’d be lovely to see your fiancee.”

Alex nearly rises, nearly yells, but she just stiffens her core like she’s bracing for a punch, and she tries to exhale the way Maggie’s been teaching her.

She nods curtly and they sit in painful silence until Eliza clears her throat and asks Alex about how James is feeling with all his new superhero duties.

Alex launches in readily, eager for the distraction. So eager, so relieved, to lose herself in talking about her training sessions with their brother that she doesn’t hear the chime on the door ring, doesn’t turn to see her fiancee slipping up behind her.

Doesn’t know Maggie’s come into Noonan’s, motorcycle helmet in hand, detective shield gleaming, grey henley under perfect leather jacket, until she feels her hand tracing up Alex’s arm, until she feels her soft lips on her temple, until she feels her breath in her ear and hears the words she needs to hear more than anything right now: “I’m so proud of you, Ally. I love you,” Maggie whispers, soft so Eliza can’t hear, quickly so the praise, the love, can seep through Alex’s veins and uncord her tense body.

And it works: Alex melts immediately into Maggie’s touch, into Maggie’s voice, and Eliza has never seen her so relaxed in public. So affectionate with anyone other than Kara.

Because Alex’s hand finds Maggie’s immediately, instinctively; their fingers interlink like they were created to fit each other’s, and when her eldest tilts her fiancee’s chin with a gentle finger so they can exchange a soft kiss on the mouth, Eliza knows.

Knows that Alex has discovered romantic intimacy.

That Alex is guarded. That Alex is prioritized. That she’s cared for and that she’s worshiped and that she’s truly, utterly loved.

Because Alex would never kiss anyone like that, so casual yet so intimate, so natural yet so needed. So perfect.

“Maggie, sweetheart,” Eliza stands, and Maggie gulps and smiles as she straightens up, accepting Eliza’s hug with one arm, fighting not to cry at a mother’s warm touch.

“Lovely to see you, Dr. Danvers,” she tells her, and it doesn’t sound at all like the rehearsed lines Alex’s college boyfriends had given. It sounds confident, if nervous; genuine, if full of underlying turmoil, underlying emotion, underlying scar tissue.

Confident, because this woman loves her daughter. Wholly and completely.

“I see congratulations are in order,” she tells her as she pulls back from the hug, and Maggie nearly drops her helmet. Alex takes her hand and Maggie clings to it.

“Dr. Danvers, I – “

“Kara mentioned earlier that you’re not the closest with your family, Maggie, and forgive me if this is forward, but I would be honored to take you wedding clothes shopping when the time comes. If you’ll have me.”

Maggie’s lip trembles and Alex’s chest wracks with a sob.

And Noonan’s has never seen, before or since, a more emotional, a more relieved, a more cathartic, a more healing, three-person hug.

#sanvers #sanvers minific #sanvers wedding #alex danvers #alex x eliza

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thugnan · 5 years ago

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The Haunted Carousel (PC 2003)

Story: 8/10

Characters: 9/10

Puzzles: 8/10

Chores:8/10

Final Rating: 8/10

This is another game I always come back to because I can get through it within a couple of hours. The setting is so fun and it was well executed, a haunted amusement park that didn’t try too hard to be scary. They world wasn’t as big as Ghost Dogs, but it worked really well in my opinion and the characters are some of the more memorable ones in the series. The history they tied into the game was interesting and unique. The puzzles (i.e. the arcade games you have to play to move the plot forward) aren’t too difficult or annoying like some of the later games (looking at you at Trail of the Twister).

Plot (spoilers obviously)

Thug Nan is back at it again with the sleuthin, Paula Santos, is a friend of your fathers and owns an amusement park, how fun! Except there’s a whack ghost carousel that be a haunting. Thug Nan ain’t about that supernatural bs tho, and neither is Paula so we best be investigating.

The carousel isn’t the biggest problem on the table, it’s the rollercoaster that stopped mid-ride and gots the park shut down. Paula is being sued and that’s not cool.

You get straight to work and meet:

Harlan Bishop: It takes a thug to spot a thug, I don’t buy his “I’m just a security” story. Brother has done time. I know it and he knows it. He’s the current park security, extremely eager to help out and extremely Brooklyn, many much Brooklyn. He even took a pay cut to work at the park. He hooked a homie up with a fun pass to the arcade, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t have my eye on him.

Joy Trent: My precious Joy, I have clear bias when it comes to this child. She could do no harm. Everyone describes her as boring but I love her. She’s the park’s bookkeeper, she only got the job because her dad, Daryl Trent used to own the park with Paula. He wasn’t the greatest with money however, and died broke af. My wonderful Joy obvs has all kind of childhood trauma but shh es okay, we can work it out together.

Paula: Daryl Trent was p bad with money

Also Paula: *hires his daughter as a bookkeeper*

Ingrid: She’s the chief engineer who hustles essential oils on the side. I don’t understand how a woman of science can buy into the “curse” shizz, but whatever. She reads auras and pawns off all her actual engineer work on me. Can’t say I’m crazy about her. She blames the curse on the person who stole a super vintage horse from the carousel.

Elliot Chen: Homeboy gives a bad name to us artsy types. He’s the park’s art director. He procrastinates a ton and never meets his deadlines, which yes that is me but R O O D of you to assume. The park being shut down is awfully convenient for him.

Tink: He operates the Carousel normally, but rn he’s on vacation in Canada, which you would think would be more suspicious, but no one questions it.

Whilst investigating you discover:

that the person who built the stolen horse (Rolf Kessler) was super famous and his horses are considered priceless or something

during a previous heist from the hotel next to the park, the thieves involved stashed moula all over the park.

the horse that was stolen was a replica, so jokes on whoever stole it.

Rolf Kessler was an artist and by default filled with angst and many much suffering. His waifu died of TB and he disappeared off the grid shortly thereafter.

During all this, you get in touch with Detective Perris, who was the original detective in charge of the hotel heist. It was partially unsolved and he gives you some dirt on one of the peeps that was arrested for the crime. He died in prison, but his cellmate was from brookyln… SUSPICIOUS

Naturally, this means we gotsa snoop on Mr. Bishop. HOME BOY HAS AN APPOINTMENT WITH HIS PAROLE OFFICER, BRUH DID I CALL IT OR WHAT? It’s okay Harlan, Thug Nan has also done time in Alibi in Ashes, cos we ball hard.

More important than this new information, is my girl Joy. We are going on a journey to rediscover her childhood. And I can’t think of a more romantic wholesome way of getting to know each other. We do this with the help of Miles the Magnificent Memory Machine, which is a robot/toaster oven that Joy’s dad built her (I think I forgot to mention that her dad was an ‘inventor’), whose sole purpose is to remember things for Joy, because the passing of her mom was so traumatic that she blocked everything from her childhood behind a wall of extreme blandness.

This. is. Perfect. The fanfiction is writing itself. Thug Nan also lost her mom as a child and now they’re connecting. What was I supposed to be doing again?

Oh right! Our love will have to wait Joy, I gots a mystery to solve.

While you’re helping Joy recover her memories you also learn:

Mr. Bishop has been spying on Ingrid, but this helps you break into Ingrid’s office.

Ingrid is ballin, like more than engineer money balling. It’s also implied that she’s in cahoots with the guy suing the park.

Elliot is buying a lot of wood for no apparent reason, and horse tails, like if he were building a carousel kinda deal. Weird yes?

Anyway Thug Nan is really prioritizing this Joy soul searching project. But then… B E T R A Y A L. Joy confesses to having stopped the rollercoaster that caused the park to shut down. How could she? How could she do this to us? She says she had a lot of pent up resentment after the death of her father and thought Paula didn’t deserve his half of the park. I will be the first to admit that this girl has baggage, but I STILL BELIEVE. We will get thru it.

We still don’t know who is responsible for the ghost carousel. We also accuse Ingrid of being in cahoots with the guy suing the park, and she’s not lying to us but I still don’t like her. Allegedly her monies is coming from her “designing a roller coaster”, likely story.

WHATEVER, I’m gonna finish the epic side quest of figuring out Joy’s backstory and making her love me. I honestly don’t know why we’re still at the park, I think Paula only cared about the roller coaster bit? I’m just saying that a carousel that turns on at night ain’t harming anyone. If anything she’s getting major publicity.

We find out that Joy’s mom bought her a horse off the carousel for her birthday (I feel like that defeats the purpose of the horse but aight), AND SHE DIED THAT SAME DAY. Holy cow that’s harsh. We’re able to track down the location of the horse, which conveniently has the jewels from the hotel heist years ago, and a picture of Joy’s mom. Let’s just say that homie can get it too.

Incidentally, we stumble into Rolf Kessler’s workshop in the midst of this. We totally solved this mystery on accident, cool. But yeah we find the horse that was stolen (yeah, did I forget to mention that it was a different horse, I also had a hard time keeping track of the horses) and discover that someone has been making replicas and selling them on the black market. They’re been using the hype from the “hauntings” to up the value.

The game tries to be sneaky by not dropping names here, but we all know who it be behind this…. Elliot. Naturally, in classic Nancy Drew fashion, he tries to murder(?) us, but we best him and the day is saved by Thug Nan, once again. Joy call me.

THE END.

#nancy drew games #her interactive #midnight in salem countdown #thug nan #ghetto game reviews #plot summary #the haunted carousel

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