#if it was at 4pm it something I'd absolutely go!

[magicalgirlmindcrank]

Blehhh

[danieyells]

@2flowerz NOW I CAN POST THEM LOL HERE'S ED TO START WITH

PERVY OLD VAMPIRE IS AN ABSOLUTE GOOBER. . .he's also very very tired. But he has a very nice reaper taking care of him and a friendly dog that wants him to go outside more, so he has people who love and care for him even though he's. . .a little troublesome haha.

also I changed the format from previous posts and added the specific times and seasons and such for each dialogue! this should help lessen some confusion about how to get them.

Hello: (the first time the game is opened after that character is set as home screen NPC. Only happens once per day, unless the character is switched out and back.)

"Ah, there you are. I've a favor to ask of you— come to my room and I'll explain."

You've Got Mail: (whenever there's something in the inbox, usually Arena rewards)

"Oh? It appears we have some letters. Alas, my eyesight is not what it used to be. Read them out to me, would you?"

well maybe if you didn't stare at your tablet all day. . . .

Default: (requires no affinity, has no time constraints)

"I have much to learn about the human world... Rui is teaching me a lot, but I cannot seem to divorce myself of careless blunders."

y'know, it's good he's trying to learn anyway. 400 years old is never too late.

"What did I do before Darkwick? I eked out a humble existence in Eastern Europe. Hm? The most powerful vampire? No, those are just rumors. "

didn't you confirm it yourself in the main story though--also if he was living in eastern europe for the past 400-ish years i wonder if he saw lyca when he was young, even if in passing? then again eastern europe isn't exactly small.

"I was taken by a sudden whim to travel abroad. I had heard good things about Japan so I came over to play, but alas, I was captured."

so he went to japan just to have a nice time for a while but the Institute decided to keep him trapped in Darkwick. . .and then they didn't listen to any warnings or concerns he had. . .no wonder he doesn't give a shit what's going on around here, why would he? They abducted him while he was on vacation--and for what?

"I have no interest in harming humans. After all, they die so quickly. They should enjoy their short lives while they can."

"(cough cough) Oh, it's you... I'm feeling worse than usual today. I don't suppose you could carry me to bed?"

Affinity 1: (between 5am and 11am)

"(yawn) Good morning... What time is it? ...Still that early? Wake me up again at midday, would you?"

honestly Ed? Mood.

Affinity 2: (between 11am and 4pm)

"If this is about a mission, I can't help you, I'm afraid. I leave such day-to-day duties to Rui, so I suggest you ask him instead."

Affinity 3: (between 4pm and 8pm)

"I'm more or less confined to this house most days, for various reasons. I'm on my best behavior. But I'll do what I can to support you from the sidelines."

y'know, he's offering to help a little even at Affinity 3 and that counts for something in my book.

Affinity 4: (between 8pm and 5am)

"My favorite channel should be posting a new video at any moment... Sorry, but could we continue this tomorrow?"

you have not yet reached the stage of friendliness where you're more important than a youtube video lmao

Affinity 5: (between 8pm and 5am)

"I don't suppose you know where Rui is? How troubling... My YouTube video has stopped playing..."

well at this hour i'd check either the bar or his room???

Affinity 6: (between 4pm and 8pm)

"Oh, it hurts... I cannot seem to shake this ache in the place Rui touched me earlier... I think I'll rest a while."

so it seems like either his limbs pop off/part of him breaks open when Rui touches him, or he suffers a great deal of pain for an extended period of time, maybe his body actively fighting extremely rapid necrosis? Rui did say that he basically insta-kills anyone who isn't super strong, so Ed being in excruciating pain instead of dying or losing a limb now and then makes sense.

Affinity 7: (between 11am and 4pm)

"I can't survive much sunlight. Without my parasol, I can barely go outside... (sigh) It really is quite punishing..."

Affinity 8: (between 4pm and 8pm)

"Sounds like Lyca's having fun, from all that yapping. I think it's good for him to develop some temporary bonds with humans at this time in his life."

Affinity 9: (between 8pm and 5am)

"I felt the urge to go stargazing, so I went to a hill nearby, but Towa was there already and he chased me away."

TOWA STOP BEING MEAN HE actually he probably would have bothered you and if he smells like a corpse to you that would have been annoying even if he didn't talk to you BUT STILL DON'T BE MEAN.

Affinity 10: (between 10pm and midnight)

"You ought to be getting ready for bed. Me? Oh, I'll turn in soon... Just one more YouTube video."

Affinity 11: (between 5am and 11am)

"Are you going for a walk? Take care not to spend too long in the garden. Humans are rather susceptible to the miasma there."

WE NEVER DID LEARN ABOUT THE MIASMA. WHAT'S UP WITH THE MIASMA WHY'S THE AIR IN OBSCUARY FUNKY.

Affinity 12: (between 11am and 4pm)

"Do you realize that human society is controlled by a shady cabal of elites? There are many videos about it on YouTube."

I AM ONCE AGAIN ASKING FOR HIS LAPTOP TO BE TAKEN AWAY OR TIME ON IT RESTRICTED. . .HE'S INTO CONSPIRACY THEORY YOUTUBERS HE'S GONE TOO FAR DOWN THE RABBITHOLE

Affinity 13: (between 4pm and 8pm)

"The ghouls are rioting again? Ah ha ha ha, they certainly are full of energy. If you'll excuse me, I was in the middle of a YouTube video."

he simply does NOT GIVE A FUCK lmao the ghouls could be dying out there and he'd probably shrug it off. Maybe keep an eye on things with his sixth sense or have some bats watch. Maybe that's part of why so many ghouls dislike him? he doesn't have any concerns for their plights and problems?

Affinity 14: (between 5am and 11am)

"How strange... I can't find my other sock. I could have sworn I put it here... Have you seen it?"

Affinity 15: (between 5am and 11am)

"Lyca made a mess again? Ah ha ha ha. Try not to judge him too harshly—he's not human, after all."

i think even for non-humans there's some cleanliness to be strived for. . .even pigs are pretty clean animals from what I hear. . . .

Affinity 16: (between 11am and 4pm)

"Rui? Is my lunch ready yet? ...Oh, it's you. You wouldn't happen to be feeling heartsore, would you?"

he's asking if you're sad because he feeds off of tears more than blood. . . . .he wanted to see if you'd cry for him. . . . . . .wait how does Rui usually go about doing this!? Does he cry every day for him???

Affinity 17: (between 10pm and midnight)

"Rui has his tavern work at this hour. He made sure I had everything I needed before he left, though."

ed's all cozy in bed with a nice bottle of tears and his fully charged tablet, all the dirty laundry's off his floor and everything--and now you're here! everything is perfect.

Affinity 18: (between 8pm and 5am)

"Has night fallen already? Do keep in mind that my vitality returns at this hour. You really should be more careful."

i'm kinda getting Taiga vibes here where as his affinity goes up he kind of clearly wants to eat you more, except where Taiga kinda tried to keep away from doing it until Affinity 24 where he snaps and ties you down and starts hurting you, Ed just starts warning you 'you're in danger being around me right now' lol. When he tells you to be careful he makes the sadist face, so he is telling you to be careful around him specifically. . . .

Affinity 19: (between 10pm and midnight)

"You can't sleep? Come, close your eyes. I'll hold you in my arms until you surrender yourself to the land of slumber."

isn't Ed's skin cold. . .I feel like it may be hard to sleep like that for most people lol then again maybe he'd be perfect for temperature regulation?

Affinity 20: (between 5am and 11am)

"Ah, thank you for coming so early. I slept even worse than usual last night... The cleaning can wait. Let me rest my head on your lap, would you?"

'the cleaning can wait' huh. . .is this another Jin situation where he's started to expect you to clean up his room all the time lmao I MEAN RUI ONLY CLEANS IT ONCE A MONTH SO A LITTLE SUPPLEMENTARY CLEANING WOULDN'T HURT. . . .

Affinity 21: (between 11am and 4pm)

"How are you finding Obscuary? Anomalies live quite differently to humans, so you're adapting to it remarkably well... Perhaps you're predisposed?"

'hey i know you're probably scared about becoming an anomaly that will harm your loved ones and all but you may already be showing signs so you should just stop worrying and join us!' also do they really live so differently. . .so far the main difference is cleanliness lmao

Affinity 22: (between 4pm and 8pm)

"My, where did the time go? Talking to you is just so relaxing. Why? Perhaps it's because I know I could feast upon you at any moment."

in Japanese he says something like "The sense of security of being able to strike at any moment"--he's saying he could bite you and you're so comfortable with him you wouldn't even put up a fight before he could do it. He's making his 'sadist' face, but I think he means it in a 'you're relaxed around me, and it makes me feel comfortable to' way. . . .or not. He could just mean that he appreciates you as easy prey 8D

Affinity 23: (between 8pm and 5am)

"Really. You became embroiled in another petty human dispute? How absurd you humans are. Come here."

he feels so bad for you and always getting involved in some shit. . .you know you wouldn't have to do any of this if you abandoned your humanity and just became an anomaly?

Affinity 24: (between 10pm and midnight)

"So, you've come sneaking into my room in the middle of the night? You really are a wicked girl. What were you hoping for? Go on, say it."

Do you want him to feed off of you? Or do you want him to feast upon you? Or were you just that starved for his company? I feel like he's willing to put aside his tablet for you at this point, especially if you're coming into his window late at night for a little tryst.

Affinity 25(max): (no time constraints)

"Being with you brings up old, old memories... Perhaps it's because you remind me a little of her."

well he is hundreds of years old, so of course he had lovers in the past. . .I wonder if she was also mortal, and if he refuses to see humans and anomalies as compatible because of heartbreak. Or maybe he doesn't get heartbroken like some humans do, and it's just nostalgia. But for someone who struggles to remember things sometimes to have old memories stirred up, I think that's a good thing. He must feel quite old at this point, but having someone around who reminds him of being even a little younger must be nice, even if he doesn't think it will last. . .then again maybe that's part of why he seems like he encourages you to become an anomaly in his character stories. Because he'll get to have you around for longer.

Spring: (March-May) (between 5am and 11am)

"The plants in our garden become rather lively in the spring. See? There's a little cannibalism going on over there."

(between 11am and 4pm)

"My favorite channels have been updating more frequently than usual of late. I suppose humans really do experience spring fever."

(between 4pm and 8pm)

"(yawn) I look more tired than usual? Must be the spring weather... Goodnight."

(between 8pm and 5am)

"Cherry blossoms are fascinating organisms. Born carrying the stench of death and falling all too soon... Just like humans, really."

i don't think most humans smell like death(unless we're referencing the poem about sakura trees having corpses beneath them to make the petals pink again) but go off i guess--also it makes it seem like he wishes humans lived longer? funny thing for a guy who thinks humans aren't compatible to say.

Summer: (June-August) (between 5am and 11am)

"Obscuary is lovely in summer. It's so dark and cool, with a lovely miasma breeze. I've no desire to step outside its confines."

honestly living in eternal night during the summer doesn't sound bad aside from all the bugs. but the tentacle plant in the garden probably keeps most of them away, so. . .obscuary in summer sounds lovely.

(between 11am and 4pm)

"How the sun mocks me... Vampires across the nation are advised to avoid going outdoors unless absolutely necessary."

(between 4pm and 8pm)

"It was so hot this morning that Rui was walking around after his shower in just a towel. A sight for sore eyes, I must say."

HAPPY PRIDE MONTH HE IS BISEXUAL. in Japanese he says that Rui was walking around soaking wet and that he's incredibly handsome but doesn't mention the towel--so Rui may have been wet and bare naked walking around Obscuary. . . .

(between 8pm and 5am)

"My air-conditioner? I believe I have it set to 64 degrees. Hm? You're cold? Humans truly are such fragile creatures."

that is almost 18 degrees celcius for the non-americans! it's not that cold imo but it's definitely a little chillier than most people like their personal space.

Autumn: (September-November) (between 5am and 11am)

"Humans take extra delight in their meals during the harvest season, do they? Interesting. Perhaps I'll follow suit."

lap up your tears nice and slow and sensual--

(between 11am and 4pm)

"The stamina and physical strength of a vampire is dozens of times that of a human. We don't need to work ou— (cough) (wheeze)"

YOU GOOD BUDDY YOU STARTED COUGHING WITHOUT EVEN MOVING i mean i get it i have asthma but still--

(between 4pm and 8pm)

"Ah, the curtain of night closes. Now that the days are becoming shorter, my physical and mental health have much improved."

does that mean you don't need help getting dressed for a while--

(between 8pm and 5am)

"How beautiful the moon looks tonight. Its light is such a comfort to us non-humans. You look rather lovely bathed in it too."

Winter: (December-February) (between 5am and 11am)

"(sigh) Even in the dead of winter, Lyca is so full of energy in the mornings... Just try to imagine waking to him barking in your ear."

that explains why you lock him out of your room lmaoooo

(between 11am and 4pm)

"What do you think of my dressing gown? Rui made it for me. It's surprisingly warm."

MOM RUI STRIKES AGAIN MAKING HIS BOY COZY CLOTHES FOR THE WINTER

(between 4pm and 8pm)

"(cough cough) I only took a few steps outside, yet I felt as though my heart froze over... It's best not to leave one's room on days like this."

(between 8pm and 5am)

"They say that on cold nights like this, humans long for the warmth of another. Well? Shall I provide it for you?"

DO YOU POSSESS THE WARMTH OF ANOTHER SIR I RECALL YOUR SKIN BEING DESCRIBED AS COLD

His birthday: (November 10th)

"Having you celebrate my birthday makes all these long years of life worth it. How old am I? A gentleman doesn't tell."

given your estimate was 'idk 400 i stopped counting around 300' i think it's less you won't tell and more you can't tell lmaoooo

Your birthday:

"It's your birthday, is it? I'll have to give you a present. What do you want? Go on, tell me."

New Years: (January 1st)

"Happy New Year. I heard it's a tradition in this country to impart small monetary gifts. Here, for you."

OTOSHIDAMA GET!!!!

Valentine's Day: (February 14th)

"My, is this for me? I'm touched. I don't usually partake of human food, but I suppose I'll make an exception."

it's about the symbolism! it's the principle of the thing, even if the chocolate tastes bland to your vampire taste buds!

White Day: (March 14th)

"It seems that today those who received chocolates on Valentine's Day are supposed to return the favor. What a conscientious country this is..."

yeah but what'd you get them tho--

April Fool's Day: (April 1st)

"Oh, I'm burning up... I'm not long for this world... Won't you grant me one last request? ...No need to make that face. I'm joking, of course."

Halloween: (October 31st)

"Trick or treat. I'm a real vampire, you know. Give me your blood, or I'll play a trick on you."

probably the only time he's directly stated wanting to drink your blood lol

Christmas: (December 25th)

"Merry Christmas. Rather amusing for a vampire to celebrate a holy day, don't you think? Let's fill tonight with magic and wonder."

Idle: (about 20 seconds without interacting with the game) (below 13 affinity)

"I'm going to lie down a while. If you need something, ask Rui."

(13 affinity and above)

"Hello? Oh good, there you are. It would be troublesome for me if you were to disappear. Let me know next time you decide to wander off."

WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT'D BE TROUBLESOME. I guess it's because you clean up after him and help him and stuff. . .and at higher affinities maybe he feeds off of your tears and/or blood. . . .

Absent: (logging in for the first time in 2 or more days?)

"Well, hello there. It's been a while. Come over here—I've been looking forward to your return."

OUR SLOPPY LIL VAMPIRE BOY. Flirts, drinks tears, minds his own business, and is on his best behavior despite that he was abducted by Darkwick. They should be thankful he's not angrier, considering he's apparently strong enough to LEVEL A BUILDING ON HIS OWN. As his affinity goes up he seems to be more comfortable around you, although that comes with the concern that he expresses less human thoughts more openly. . .which isn't a bad thing, imo. He should be allowed to be an anomaly. He's not harming or preying on you, just saying he could and that he's dangerous. But he also just seems to like physical affection and flirting and having you do chores for him so he can be lazy. . . .

I love him lol he's stinky

[obeymematches]

MC acting oblivious!

since you're accepting hcs now, how about an mc whos a big tease/bully (aka mammons worst nightmare lol)? im quick to realize when someone has a crush on me and when i like them back i turn into the biggest tease on earth until the other person confesses. im good at acting oblivious so its always "wait, they cant possibly know i like them, right??" poor, poor souls lmao. so im wondering how the brothers+undateables would handle an mc like that! keep up the great work! 💕

Hi, good to see you again !!! <3 

okay i love this so much lets go ! 

Lucifer: 

Okay so in his case it’s mentioned several times that he is in love with the MC so this ain’t just some crush he’s being teased about but that’s one of the reasons why he loves you so much.  

He is rather guarded emotianlly as his pride isn’t going to let him just fall for anyone. But once he does he is not going to deny it!  

Lucifer is someone who will ask you out on a date without a warning. The only thing you might notice beforehead is that he spends suspiciously lots of his time with you. (by a lot in his case I mean something in between 30 and 60 mins every second day. he’s a busy man) 

Him: My schedule is tight today but I would like to spend time with you, MC, would you care to join me at a confectionary?  MC: sounds like you’re very busy, are you sure about that? 🥺 Him,  slightly offended but still lovingly: Yes, MC. Let me express myself better... would you please have a date with me today? MC: oh....um-

Mammon:

● oh god, oh jesus, oh no

● We all know The Great Mammon has a hard time admitting his feelings out loud, with words, bluntly.

● So the way I see it, the situation is about to be Awkward As Hell.

● Mammon is clearly sweating, butterflies occupying his entire stomach, he fiddles with his nails.

● Him: So MC, I was thinking- I mean I'm thinking- wanna go skating with me tonight?

MC: Oh that's a very romantic idea- but I think friends don't just go skating, you know.

Him: Friends??! I don't wanna be just your friend MC-

You: Then? Then what?

Him: Goddamn I- I just want to be yours- Jesus ya are makin' it so difficult MC, it is not easy as is!!

Leviathan:

● ahh the frustrated face he makes through this conversation isn't just a facade. He really is stressing right now.

● Him: MC.... there is something I must tell you. And you only. Please listen and don't tell anyone!

MC: Don't worry Levi, I too hate people who gossip-

Him: No it's not like that. I have a desire in my heart that I must share with you as you are the most special person I ever met and I can only hope you feel the same way for me and- I feel so embarassed but I've been meaning to ask you this- would you be my partner? My player 2?

MC: well if you wanted me to play you could have just said so like you always do-

Levi: What?? Is that what you understood? No MC you don't get it! Ahhh I knew I shouldn't have asked you my chances with you are close to zero-

MC: Wait Levi I'm so sorry-

Satan:

● You could tell he was acting different these past couple of days. He was texting you more, he offered to spend more time with you- it was obvious he likes you.

● He knocked on your bedroom door and as you liked him just as much as he liked you, of course you let him in.

● I think you acting like you don't know what's going on turns him on? Like he know you ain't stupid. He knows you like him at least a little bit too, otherwise he wouldn't be here talking with you.

● Him: So MC, are you free now?

MC: Well, it depends on how you define "free" I think.

Him: Oh quit it please.

MC: I would if I knew what you were up to right now-

Him: Alright. You are going to make it more complicated, I see. In this case, meet me at 4PM at the common room. Please. I'd like to take you on a date if you're free.

MC: Inside the house? Weird if you ask me-

Him: ...... you are right actually. Let's meet at the park then. Don't be late.

Asmo:

● Again he would absolutely love you acting like you noticed nothing when he couldn't be more clear about what he wants.

● He knows this game though & he is quicker than you are.

● Him, cuddling you: So MC I have been thinking about us....what are we?

● MC: We are.... the best. Me, a human, and you, a demon.

Him: Nooooo, you know that's not what I meant!!!

MC: Well I don't know what you mean Asmo. Aren't we though?

Him: Aren't we what? A human and a demon?? Ahhhhg stop playing with me MC!

Beelzebub:

● Ohh babe is going to believe you actually don't know what' going on-

● I think he'd find it funny when he realizes you were just acting like such-

Him: MC. I like you.

MC: Okay, I like you too. That's why I'm your friend.

Him: Yes we are friends I know... but to me you are the first person I want to talk to if anything happens, good or bad... you are on my mind all the time, no matter what- I haven't felt like this in my entire life- you are the most special person to me, MC.

MC: Ohhh... I didn't realize-

Him: I only went out with Mammon yesterday because I thought... I was hoping you'd be there to, that you'd join... I just wanted to spend more time with you. But you weren't there. Let's go somewhere together today- I mean, if you want to-

Belphegor:

● MC you are about to annoy him to deatg to be fair.

● Depending on his mood he might join you though!!!

Him: So human- I mean MC. Let's hang out today.

MC: We already do.

Him: I meant as a date, stop playing stupid.

MC: I don't like being called stupid. Is this how you are asking me out on a date??

Him: See I knew you knew what I meant!

MC: Why would you ask me on a date though, aren't we just friends?

Him: .....

Him: We could change that- I want to be your one and only.

MC: Well if you are my one and only friend I might get lonely when you're too busy for me though-

Him: Stop it don't say another word. Are you coming today or not? MC? You listening?

MC: you just asked me to shut up-

[jiraisupportgroup]

First of all - I'd like to note that this post is not intended to pressure anyone to change or to make people feel ashamed for the position they are in in life. I feel like a lot of people don't understand that being in this position is not often a choice. A majority of the time there are mental illnesses or chronic physical illnesses which lead someone to this point. It isn't like they're just hanging out at home all day having a blast - it is emotionally and physically taxing to be in this position, and it can be incredibly hard to break out. Not impossible!! Just very hard.

It is not as simple as "just go outside" "just get a job" etc; that kind of advice is not helpful. This post is mostly aimed at people who want to make some sort of change in their routine. Again, if you don't want to change or don't feel a need to - I'm not here to pressure you into changing your life or to tell you you are wrong for living this way - you're not, you're okay I promise. More so this is for people who are thinking about changing things up or adding a little more structure to their life.

Keep in mind - there is no shame in this. If you're looking at your daily log of activities and it isn't what you want it to be that is okay! Don't beat yourself up or be down on yourself for not being perfect or not being where you want to be. This is just so we can identify trends in our behaviours and more clearly see the things we want to cut back on or the things we want to add to our daily / weekly routines.

Try to keep this in a place where it is easy to keep track of. I typically recommend something digital like a notes app on the phone or a google document since you can access that from a computer or your phone - that way it's much easier to just pop in and write a simple note like "10am - had a bagel for breakfast", or a little pocket notebook that you can keep on your person. Make it as easy for yourself as possible.

It can also help to add little notes about how certain activities make you feel or your general mood throughout the day. This doesn't have to be extensive, but something like "Took a shower, feel refreshed but exhausted", or "2-4pm scrolling TikTok, I don't feel anything, I'm a little irritated". Keeping in mind how certain activities make you feel is a good step in identifying how different things affect your mental health and overall energy / stress levels. This can also help us start to see some of the underlying reasons for some of your behaviours. If you start to see why you do or don't like doing certain things, you can have a better understanding of yourself and how you can go about changing certain habits.

For example if you absolutely 100% detest doing the dishes, the feeling, the smell, how long it takes, etc, it isn't going to be very helpful to have a "just do it" approach to building the habit. It will become much easier if we also adopt other things into this such as having a dish-washing chair, a special soap, or gloves to make the process more bearable before throwing yourself head-first into it.

Some goals are easier to identify than others. For example "I want to brush my teeth every night" is a pretty identifiable goal and the steps you need to take to achieve that goal are pretty straightforward. Other goals like "I want to feel more productive" or "I want to have more energy" are vague and difficult to achieve in themsevles, so we need to break them down.

What does each goal mean to you? What does "being more productive" mean? Does it mean keeping your room clean? Creating a physical product or hobby? Achieving smaller goals throughout the day? Exercising more? Trading social media for something like a book? Learning something new? What smaller aspect of this larger idea stands out to you? Once it is broken into parts it's much easier to work on one aspect at a time instead of just trying to change everything overnight.

Other goals seem like too much, like "I want to be able to go to the grocery store by myself". That's an easily identifiable goal, but it's a BIG goal. There are likely steps you'll have to take to work up to this goal, and those steps are heavily tied to the reasons why you don't like going to the grocery store in the first place. If the crowds make you anxious - going out with friends or family to less crowded places, or going to the grocery store at less busy times of day could help. If the food items stress you out - going out to places like office supply stores that don't carry food items or going to the store without the intent of buying anything just to walk around and get used to it might be helpful. Some stores like Kroger, Ingles, or Target often have little coffee shops in them - maybe going to one of these with friends just to get a snack and hang out can help expose you to the idea of the store itself without the pressure of having to pick out what you're buying or the pressure of interacting with the cashier so you don't have to tackle it all at once. Or if you typically get groceries delivered to your house, maybe you could do a purchase online pick up in-store thing one day - you don't have to spend much time in the actual store, and you don't have to pick items out while you're there, but it'll get you to the actual store and then you can just go home right afterwards. Try to find ways to get slowly closer and closer to your final goal without throwing yourself headfirst into it. (One thing I will say specifically about going to the grocery store is try to avoid planning out exactly what you're going to purchase beforehand - I used to do this and I would end up crying in the middle of the store if they didn't have the exact bread they wanted, it backfired on me more than once T-T so do that at your own risk).

Write out as many or as few goals as you can think of. These are long-term goals, so if your list feels really long don't worry! You don't have to do all of this at once! In fact, I implore you not to try and do too many of these things at once! Try not to get overwhelmed if it feels like a lot - you've got time, this is not a once-and-done kind of thing, we're going to take it slow and try to be reasonable with ourselves and our expectations of ourselves.

But how do you pick a goal? There's a lot of ways you could do this. Some people like to try and go for the one that seems the hardest first - I've never really had luck with this I usually just give up when I feel like it's too hard. Some people try to pick the one that seems the easiest to ease themselves into it - this is always nice because it can help you feel like you're actually making progress and changing things. Some people pick ones that overlap. Like if you want to spend less time on social media and more time doing a hobby like knitting - you can combine those two goals into "trade social media time for knitting" to kind of tackle two things at once. Try not to combine too many things together - we do still want these goals to be small and separate from each other - but smaller ones like that it is okay to and makes sense to combine together.

So! You've picked a goal to work towards! Yay! How do we do that? It depends on the goal you've picked. If it's something physical like showering, brushing your teeth, vacuuming, doing the dishes, going for a walk, or cooking dinner, it's a little easier to track. Setting reminders or keeping a log of when you do these things can help, some people like having weekly or daily checklists to keep track of what has been done and when. Try to avoid putting too many things on the checklist - we don't want to overwhelm ourselves, remember we're just working on one thing right now.

For others, picking a certain day of the week or time of day to do these things can help as well. Having a set time or day for certain activities can help set the routine of doing them, and also makes it a little easier to keep track of when they are done. If you miss these days or times don't beat yourself up! Try to avoid the feeling of "oh well I was supposed to shower at 7pm and now it's 10pm so I missed my opportunity" you can deviate from the timeframes you set for yourself they're just a guide. But over time if you decide you're going to brush your teeth at 9pm every night, after a month or two you'll start being like "oh it's 9pm I'm going to go brush my teeth" it becomes a second-hand habit that you don't have to think about too hard after a few months.

If it is a more nebulous or vague goal, we might want to make a roadmap. Like if your end goal is "I want to be able to keep my room clean consistently" there's a lot that goes into that. Often that includes dishes, taking the trash out, doing laundry, folding the laundry, vacuuming, etc. Trying to take all of that on at once can be really overwhelming! Start small. Let's say, maybe every other night you want to take the dishes from your room to the kitchen. Just focus on that. Or maybe you want to make your bed every day. Or maybe you want to do your laundry once a week. Pick one aspect to focus on for a while, and slowly build on that. After about 2 weeks of taking your dishes to the kitchen every other night, maybe you can add washing them into that. Or after doing your laundry once a week for about a month, you can add folding it into that. If you ease yourself into it, it gets much easier to actually build these habits and not super overwhelm yourself right off the bat. And if you miss a day, that's okay! I'm not expecting you to set a goal and then immediately be able to do it all the time, and you shouldn't expect that of yourself either. Go easy on yourself. Slow progress is still progress. Maybe you're not making your bed every day, but making it once or twice a week is still progress! And over time that once or twice a week will evolve into three or four times a week. And it'll just keep going from there.

On the other hand, if you're trying to STOP doing something as much - the approach is often a little different. Some people like to use timers or notes to show when they last did something so they can see how long it's been or notice changes in whether they're doing it more or less frequently. If it's something like trying to cut back on social media you can set time limits on your phone for how long you're allowed to use each app. These are easy enough to bypass but often times having that reminder of "Hey it's been 15 minutes your time limit is up" can be a reminder to yourself that you want to be more mindful of how long you're spending on these apps, even if you just extend the time limit when it pops up.

Set up alternatives for yourself! It's really hard to say "oh I just won't do that anymore", give yourself something else to do instead. If you want to spend less time on social media, you might instead spend more time reading, drawing, or even playing video games. (Trading social media for video games is a healthy trade I will die on this hill - I don't care how many articles you've seen saying they're just as bad as each other I promise you Persona 5 is not as bad as Twitter for your mental health). If you want to stop smoking, instead have gums, lollipops or a drink you enjoy; or practice breathing techniques when you want to smoke; or if you vape try switching to a lower concentration juice (I'm also trying to stop smoking so I feel you on this it's a tough one). If you're trying to stop SH, have other things like ice cubes, rubber bands, pens, or something that will give you a physical sensation without causing harm (or as much harm). Work with yourself, identify what you're getting from each of these things, and try to make a trade for something that is a little better for you but still gives you some of that thing that you want. Don't beat yourself up if you do still engage in these habits, it is hard to stop. Instead of punishing yourself for still doing these things, praise yourself for doing them less often. (And if you're not doing them less often, praise yourself for being aware of your habits in the first place).

The hardest thing about this whole process is getting the motivation to start. Once you get started it's much easier to keep it going, but that first push to get the ball rolling is the hardest part. For a lot of things you can't wait until you feel like doing it - often that won't come. There are different ways people motivate themselves to do things they don't want to do. Ease yourself into it, don't do everything at once do the first step of the process and then take a little break. For example, if you're folding the laundry, separate it into categories then take a little break. When you come back fold one category, then take a break. Then do the next category. Over time the laundry will be all folded! Set a timer, think about how much time you could reasonably spend doing something. Let's say 10 minutes. Set a timer for 10 minutes, then start whatever task it is you want to do. If you want to clean your room maybe set a timer for 10 minutes and spend that time picking up trash. After those 10 minutes are up you're done. You can come back to more of it later. Often times you'll find that you're able to finish a lot of tasks faster than you thought you'd be able to, and if they're not finished oftentimes times you're more inclined to keep going once those 10 minutes are up since you've already started the ball rolling. Some people use a sort of "rip the bandaid off" technique where they set an alarm to go do something and as soon as that alarm goes off they just force themselves do it. This is hard at first but it does become easier. Think of it like you're jumping into a pool. 3...2...1... GO! Often that initial push to just start walking to go to the thing you want to do is the hardest, and once you're moving it becomes easier.

Tell a friend you're going to do it. Sometimes this helps you feel more motivated to do it since you're giving yourself a little bit of outside pressure to complete the task. On this note, weirdly enough, stretching can help you get motivated to do harder tasks. Like if you want to take the trash out but you're laying in bed, stretching in bed just to get your blood moving can sometimes help you get that initial push to get up and take the trash out.

Work with yourself. Try different approaches, and celebrate your successes no matter how small they may seem. Over time you will find things do get easier, and after tackling one small goal for a month or two, you can add another small goal into the mix.

Some popular app recommendations (I'm so sorry this list is so short - hoping to add to it in the future)

IAmSober - Andriod and IOS - allows you to set multiple goals of things you want to stop doing and shows you timers for how long it's been since you last engaged in that habit.

Flora - Google Play, IOS, and Chrome Extension - sets a timer for how long you don't want to use your phone or computer, once you finish this timer without using your device it grows a tree, and adds that tree to your garden. I used to use this for studying back in college and I quite enjoyed it.

HabitShare - Android, Google Play, and IOS - set habits and keep track of when you've completed them, you can also link with friends to see each other's habits too (although, this is optional you can also keep it private).

These are the best-rated free apps I could find for this kind of thing, if there are others that you use or have used in the past please feel free to comment or rb I would love to be able to add to this list.

Thank you so much for reading! I hope this can be at least a little helpful and I hope it doesn't come off as a "just do it" kind of vibe. I know getting the motivation to start building new or breaking old habits is realllllly hard so hopefully, this is at least a bit helpful T-T

As always, I love you guys and I'm proud of you for being here and doing what you can ˗ˋˏ ♡ ˎˊ˗ please feel free to comment or send in any questions, comments, concerns, additions, or anything of that sort ~ ♡

[hopelessdazai]

B, J, M, Z with Chuuya and Dazai??

of course anon!!

Nsfw alphabet B, J, M Z.

contents; nsfw obviously, dazai x reader, chuuya x reader, fem reader, minor breeding kink if you squint, switch reader, chuuyas a thigh guy tm, pegging.

Dazai Osamu -

B = Body part ( Their favourite part of you )

i'd say dazai is very much a boobs guy. if he's taking you from behind he takes a big enjoyment to fondle them while he rams into you. and if you count your eyes as a body part, that'd be a tie for first place. he just likes seeing them glimmer anytime something gets you excited.

J = Jack off

he probably doesn't do it that often. dazai has a speciality where he can get ahold of you pretty much whenever he likes, and as much as he's horny on an almost daily basis, I think he'd rather save his cum spills to fill you up with. but he will absolutely do it so you can come finish the job.

M = Motivation ( Turn ons )

dazai can be turned on by just about anything you do. you're so hot and he'll be drooling over you like some teen boy learning about a girls body. he'll go especially crazy if you're wearing one of his shirts, and even better if you have thigh highs on. he's a basic guy.

Z = Zzz ( how fast they fall asleep after )

he doesn't fall asleep that fast, but it also depends on what you did. if you were on top and drove him insane or pegged him, he'll pass out a lot faster then if he was the one plowing into you.

Chuuya Nakahara -

B = Body part ( Their favourite part of you )

if you asked him to choose on the spot, I think he'd simply pass away. he loves so much of you and there's barely anything he can pick as a singular. but chuuya will have his hands on your thighs more then anything else. for no reason, he swears!!

J = Jack off 

poor baby goes on a lot of long missions. he tries not to, there's a thought in his mind that it's unmoral to do so, that he has a pretty girlfriend at home and he can just wait to shoot his load into her. but sometimes it gets desperate, you send him a risky photo of your shirt hitched to show your stomach and thighs, and chuuya's excusing himself back to the hotel room on a case of 'emergency'

M = Motivation ( Turn ons )

hes not difficult to turn on, but he's also not the easiest. something that makes him want to fuck you so badly would be general making out, especially if you're grinding onto him and whimpering into his mouth. he'll go absolutely feral.

Z = Zzz ( how fast they fall asleep after )

chuuya is a very sleepy guy. he'll manage to keep himself up long enough to do Aftercare, but after that he's passing out on your chest and snoring like a brass band. and that man is NOT letting go in his sleep, so good luck both waking him up before 4pm and getting to work.

- Zai

[voidedaurora]

I didn't want to talk about this PUBLICALLY because I didn't want to air out her personal business like that, and I did try friending Lance and talking to Kiwi about this in private but unfortunately I was asleep when Lance accepted my friend rq and they randomly decided to block me before I got to talk to them about things, claiming they gave me "all day" but it was only like 8 hours max (bc its 4pm for me rn as I'm posting this)

But Lance has been posting stuff on Mels account on her behalf lying about some things regarding a wellness check I'd had called on her out of concern for her life and I'd like to clear all of that up 100% since they're flat out lying about parts and trying to spin a completely untrue narrative for other parts. I'm not sure what they're trying to do other than make me look bad but I digress Here is the post I'll be referring to https://www.youtube.com/@Quartelz9377/community

and the screenshot they use as "proof"

Now, firstly the easiest thing I can disprove is them saying that "it seems more like an attempt at damage control. This message was sent after the fact that the police were called, and Mel was hospitalized."

This isn't true, the message they use to prove this was sent on 10/14/2024 at 7:23am and then edited ONE MINUTE LATER to presumably correct a spelling mistake Evidence/proof that I sent that message on the 14th and NOT the 1st of November when the wellness check was called

And then proof of the edits within the message supporting the time It was sent/what I claim (for anyone that doesn't know, you can click the edit next to an edited message of your OWN to show your edit history, you cant see previous versions but you can see when it was edited)

This was NOT when I called a wellness check on her, I was concerned for her wellbeing and was debating it but I decided it'd be best to leave her friends to make sure she was okay since the things she was posting in her server hadn't yet gotten to "I'm gonna kill myself!" type of messages Here's the doodles that concerned me and prompted that message to Kiwi on the 14th please note these were PUBLICALLY posted in her discord server so I'm not rlly "exposing" or leaking anything

Now, Lance, Kiwi, and Koi have all been trying to downright smear my name saying I don't care about Mel and only called the wellness check to "look better" or gain something from it. This absolutely is NOT the case. I understand ya'll are used to Mel and everyone around her's actions being purely out of them gaining something from EVERYTHING they do but that simply is NOT me. Unlike ya'll I can not like someone and not wish fucking death and harm upon them. Now, I think its important to make it clear why I called the wellness check. I'd been let know by a mutual that on the 1st (Nov) Mel had been openly talking about her being suicidal atm and saying things that generally suggested she was going to harm/kill herself. Here are said messages.

Now, I think ANY PERSON would be concerned about someone if they were seeing them say shit like this, she literally says "I'm already on the fuckin' edge I just need one more reason". These personally were enough for me to believe that she was possibly going to hurt herself or end her life, and I do not want that. I don't like her. I don't want anything to do with her. These are true things I stand by, but I do not want her to hurt herself, I don't want her to end her life, and I don't want to harm her as an individual. I care about her as a FELLOW LIVING BREATHING PERSON and I at the time would've rather risked being wrong about her hurting herself and looking stupid calling a wellness check, than sit back and do nothing and possibly allow her to kill herself. If I CAN do something to prevent that I will, I could and I did. I do not regret this decision and I would do it again if she or ANYONE was in danger of hurting themselves or others. - Now that those intentions are clear I'd like to address the clear smearing of my name in all of this based purely off of personal hatred and bias from everyone involved?? Here's a couple statements from Kiwi and koi of them just flat out lying/smearing my name and otherwise trying to prove I'm an evil egotistical piece of shit or sm

I'd put more but I don't think that's necessary. As you can see from these, they're all trying to paint this as some malicious premeditated thing I was trying to do to Mel, using that message I sent to kiwi on the 14th as proof. I came off as not concerned because of WHO I was talking to (I really don't like kiwi </3 she's kind of a piece of shit so I cant help but be a bit blunt) and at the time I was also kind of upset she was flat out venting to everyone in her server, seeking comfort from a bunch of 16 yr old's is just crazy to me and it felt really icky to me, but I still did want her to be checked up on at the time. I'm not going to share the messages for what I'll mention now out of the privacy for the people I'd dmed to make the wellness check happen, but when she sent the messages alluding to killing herself on the 1st I panicked and immediately got onto figuring out a way to call a wellness check on her because I couldn't myself, dming ANYONE who would be able to about it because In my head, I didn't want to risk it and be too late. I ended up being able to wake up clover and have her call in the check in the end. I didn't even think about the fact Mel could've been pissed off/would've started things because of it until after the wellness check was called, it was definitely a concern that she would start shit because of it but I knew I'd be okay because after all, I did NOT do anything wrong by calling that check in because there was no other intent there other than her safety. I've never even done anything to suggest the idea that I'd ever do something like this just to "look better" either (to my knowledge) so I'm pretty sure what they're all trying to do right now is PURELY out of hatred and spite for me, trying to get back at me from what I can tell, although I do not deny that Kiwi could've lied about when it was sent, or lance could've convinced kiwi it was edited on a day it wasn't, or whatever else. This could've been a misunderstanding on their end but I don't think that's the case considering their attitudes and behavior regarding all of this. The last thing I will mention is this part of their announcement here

It's been going around that I blocked Mel and that she couldn't reach out to me because of that to clear things up personally, I dont remember exactly who, when, or where this was said but I do know it's been going around. This isn't true, I haven't had Mel blocked a SINGLE time since she left because I'd been advocating for her to talk to me about all of this privately, as much as it would've been more comfortable for me to do, I knew I couldn't. Additionally Lance is implying here that I've been constantly dming/harassing Mel or her friends, this is not the case. The only times/people I've dmed about any of this of her friends have been trying to DM lance about all of this to sort it out in private last night (sending a friend RQ) and then Kiwi on a couple occasions, the last instance we actually talked was when I was asking Kiwi to credit me for the VTuber she'd commissioned which she'd been using without ANY credit and intentionally not telling people who rigged it and ignoring when they asked (the biggest instances of this was her actual debut.) and then here's the rest of the dms until I recently relocked her

That's honestly all I have to say about all of this, I'm hoping I was able to provide some clarity to any of you confused and properly was able to clear their mess up, if anyone has questions or concerns my dms and asks are open

[cryptidsurveys]

Monday, November 25th, 2024.

Was it a boy or a girl to text you last? If group chats count, then the last person to text me was Riley. If not, then the last person to text me was my dad.

Name something you are doing tomorrow? Animal shelter 8:00am-5:00pm.

Do you sleep on your stomach? Sometimes. It's like a last-ditch effort to get comfortable. I normally start off lying on my right side, then shift to my left, and finally my stomach. I can nap on my back, but for some reason I can't fall asleep that way at night. I just feel itchy and my neck gives me trouble.

Where are you going to be at 4pm tomorrow? Probably scooping litter boxes in cattery.

Last time you saw fireworks, with whom & where? At home and mostly by myself because my dad went to bed early. It was the 4th of July.

Are you missing someone? Eh.

Do you like horror or comedy? I tend to prefer horror.

Who did you last share a taxi with? I shared a taxi van while in an inpatient eating disorder group as a teen.

Dogs or cats? Cats.

What were you doing at 12 this afternoon? In the process of driving home or getting gas.

Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 months from now? No. Not unless something totally unexpected happens. Like, there's not even anyone on my radar, so someone new would have to pop up in my life AND be someone I wanted to pursue AND have an interest in me in return AND--

What’s your favorite season? A blend of autumn into winter. I absolutely love the snow, but I think I enjoy the overall feeling of autumn more.

When’s the last time you did something you knew was wrong? I'm often tripping up and giving in to a bit of gossip. I just can't completely eradicate that tendency / temptation.

Do you hate being alone? No.

Is there a girl that knows everything or mostly everything about you? My therapist knows a lot, but it's not anywhere close to everything. My mom also knows a lot about me, but again, there are huge gaps in her knowledge due to how long we were estranged.

What about a guy? My dad.

What color shirt are you wearing? I'm wearing a dark blue shirt and a black hoodie.

What are you listening to right now? The washing machine in the basement. Karenna purring. Light traffic.

If you won a lot of money on the lottery, what would you buy first? Home repairs.

What was the last thing you bought? Gas.

What’s your greatest fear in life?

Who was the last person to see you cry? Maybe my mom? Idk. It was dark in the theater so who knows what she was able to see.

Who was the last person you hugged? My mom.

Do you think you would be a good parent? I probably wouldn't be the worst parent in the world, but I don't think I'd be a particularly good one either.

When was the last time you cried? Like a month and a half ago.

Who was driving the last time you were in a car? I was.

Does any part of your body hurt right now? My neck is a bit stiff and my eyes are tired.

Who was the last person that text you and what did it say?

What was the first thing you thought this morning? Wondered what time it was.

How many times do you talk on the phone a day on average? Zero.

Do you like your bed? Yes.

Do you like your life? Generally.

When did you last talk to your brother or sister? 2014.

Do you ever wanna know who you are going to marry?

How much cash do you have on you? I don't have any directly on me.

Who are the 3rd and 7th texts in your phone from?

Are you tanned? No.

Are you upset with anyone? Not really / not actively.

Did you get any compliments today? No.

Have you ever gone to court? No.

Do you get jealous easily? Yeah. I just try to remind myself why it's probably irrational and definitely unhelpful to feel that way.

How good is your eyesight? Not great.

Would you ever want to swim with the sharks? No.

What time did you wake up this morning? Around 4:00am.

What are you doing Saturday? Half-day at the animal shelter.

What is in your back pocket? These pants don't have a back pocket.

What were you doing at 3am this morning? Sleeping.

What do you usually do first in the morning? Watch YouTube until I'm ready to actually get up.

What color is your room? The walls are white and peach and the carpet is teal.

Are you any good at math? No.

Any plans for Friday night? No.

What did you do last weekend? Animal shelter in the mornings, then "the usual" in the afternoons.

Do you have a little crush on someone? No.

How old is the last person you kissed? I think they'd be 36 or 37 now…?

Why did you last cry? Movie themes got to me good.

Why did you kiss the person you last kissed? I don't recall the exact reason for my last kiss.

What's their name?

How has this week been? It's been pretty nice.

[pewpewpugh]

My Roommate's Sister: Final Part

It's October now. Florence and I have been dating for three months. We're nothing official, but we both know that we're not seeing other people either. We're exclusive, and that's something I adore. I trust her to not do anything that could ruin what we have, and she trusts me too.

My family are visiting this week. I'm picking them up from the train station at 4pm, their train is due any minute now and I'm excited to see them. My mum and my sister are two of the closest people to me and I do miss them terribly. I didn't realise how hard living so far away from them would be, but I'm thankful for the support system I have here too.

"Are you excited?" Arabella asked from the drivers seat as she parked in a bay in the car park of the station. I unbuckled my seatbelt and squealed as I caught sight of my sister walking out of the elevator, my mum trailing behind, struggling with her suitcase.

"They're here!!!"

I jumped out of the car and ran towards them, engulfing my sister in to a hug. Quickly followed by my mum.

"How was your journey? Did you sleep or do you need a nap when we get home? Are you hungry? Arabella could pop through a drive through and get you some... oH THIS IS ARABELLA!" The words fell out of my mouth like vomit, I just couldn't stop them. The excitement I felt at that moment was unreal.

"Nice to meet you" Arabella said from the drivers side, "let's get this show on the road!"

I threw the suitcases into the back of the car and jumped into the passenger side. The conversation didn't stop flowing the entire journey, and it didn't take us long to get back to the apartment. Once everyone was settled in, my sister and mum both went for a quick nap while I prepared food. As I was finishing off the last of it, I heard the front door open, and before I could register her presence, Florence's arms wrapped around my waist, a kiss planted on my cheek.

"Hey babe"

"Hi!" I responded, turning around in her arms to face her, "to what do we owe this pleasure?"

"I finished work early, and decided to surprise my two favourite girls" she leant down and captured my lips in hers, "but mostly you" she mumbled against them. She pulled away reluctantly when she heard footsteps coming towards the kitchen. I momentarily panicked, remembering that although my family knew about Flo, and that we were going on dates, they didn't know just how serious we were. I'd explained this to Florence previously, who had understood completely due to her knowledge of my dating history, and she knew I needed time to ease them into me dating someone new. My family were far from homophobic, in fact they were just as heartbroken as me when my last relationship had ended, and now they're just very protective of me due to the experience.

"My family are here" I whispered, reminding her of what I'd told her a few days before.

"Oh fuck, oh shit. Do you want me to leave?"

"No, no, no! Absolutely not. You can stay. Just... prepare for some questions, probably. I want them to know you."

"I can do that" she kissed my cheek just as my mum walked into the room. I froze. Florence froze. My mum just stood at the doorway and raised her eyebrows in our direction, questioning what she'd just witnessed.

"heeeey" I sang in a tone that showed I was uncomfortable with what she just walked in on. I have never been good at talking about my feelings, so this was a big deal for me. In my last relationship, I actually didn't tell her I was even in a relationship until I was a year and a half into it, and even that was done via a text message, so introducing Florence to my family as such an early stage in what we are is new, and nerve wrecking. I handed mum the plate of food I'd prepared, moving out of Florence's hold. She took the plate from my hand quietly, sitting at the dining table opposite the two of us.

"And you must be... Flora?" My mum asked, hesitating slightly unsure of her name.

"Actually mum-

"It's Florence but close enough" She introduced herself cheerfully, "It's nice to meet you. I've heard a lot about you from Soph. She hasn't stopped gushing about you guys coming to visit"

"Yeah uh..." I interrupted "Florence just popped in after work... she's Arabella's sister actually, and uh..."

I froze. I knew I should've just stopped. But I didn't. My mouth just kept going. Fuck. I looked at Florence who grabbed my hand under the table.

"uh..."

Why couldn't I just get the words "this is the girl I was telling you about?" Out of my mouth? Why was I so incapable of being a human being?!

"I'm her girlfriend"

Wait, what. Did she just say what I think she just said?! I knew that we were exclusive, and that I was falling for this girl harder every day, but did she actually want to be my girlfriend?! Mine?! I always thought she'd get bored of me eventually, or meet someone else and break things off but this... this is the complete opposite of that...

"Girlfriend? I knew you'd been on a few dates, but I didn't know you were that serious about someone. How long has this been official?"

"Quite recently, yep, quite recently indeed." I replied, feeling Florence squeeze my hand tightly. "We've been dating for the last few months, seeing each other almost every day, and I guess it just felt right, you know? I didn't want to say too much and jinx it, and then you were coming to visit anyway so I just thought it would be a good conversation to have with you face to face... where I could let you get to know her properly" the words flew out of my mouth at 50mph, "And here we are"

My mum looked between the two of us before smiling broadly at me. I knew that look all too well, it was approval.

"Okay" she turned to face Florence, "I have a few questions"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was gone 11pm when we all decided to call it a night. My mum and sister said goodnight first, too tired to fight the travel tiredness. Arabella was on a night shift, so it just left me and Florence in the living room by ourselves. I was laid with my head on Flo's lap, she was playing with my hair. We'd been in this position for a while, it was something we always found ourselves doing. Once I was sure that no one would be coming back in to the room to disturb us, I sat up and turned to face her.

"What's up?" Concern filled her facial features. I grabbed her hand and entwined our fingers, trying to show her that she had nothing to worry about. I was just very appreciative of her and how she'd been with my family.

"Thank you for today"

She cupped my face with her free hand, stroking my cheek with her thumb, which was one of my favourite things she does. It was comforting.

"Anything for you, you know that"

"Did you mean what you said earlier?" I asked nervously.

Florence paused, confused by my question, which didn't surprise me really when I didn't give her any background information, "What did I say?"

"When you... when you said that you were my girlfriend..."

She leant forward, kissing me slowly. I smiled into the kiss, happy with the response. I don't think I could ever tire of how her lips feel on mine. She pulled away eventually, her hand still cupping my cheek.

"Only if you want me to be"

"I do"

"Good. And just to clarify... that would make you... my... girlfriend?"

"Yes, baby"

[thessalian]

Thess vs Impositions

I need to take a break to vent about a thing. For once, not about work.

So my email pings while I'm working away. It's from my stepfather, saying, "Guy's coming in to Do Things to the fuse box on 27th November, probably all day (8am-5pm). The electricity will probably have to be off all that day. Even then, he might have to come in on the 28th if things aren't finished, but he'll try really hard to be done before you have to start work."

So ... a few things.

I did not find out that anything was being done to the electrics at all until yesterday afternoon, when he interrupted my work day to bring this guy into the house to look at the fuse box. He said that work would be done on it "at some point". I did not expect it to be this month.

I did not get asked if this was convenient for me. I did not get asked to choose dates. If I'd just been asked, I probably would have been fine with the 27th. The fact that I'm getting this dumped on my plate without even the remotest bit of input is just starting to get annoying now, because he keeps doing it. Every time he wants to do something in the flat, I get told, not asked. I get that this is going to make things better in the long run, but I should at least get some input.

The entire point of me moving into this mess of a flat was that they were supposed to finish the entirety of the other flat, then let me move into it while they worked on this one. So why are we doing major electric works when I'm trying to live in this place?

There was zero offer to help with logistics like, for instance, where the fuck I'm supposed to put all the stuff that's in my freezer. A couple of hours while he's rewiring shit is one thing, but all day? Do you have any idea how much food that's going to waste? I'm not going to finish it all in a little over two weeks!

So my entire restful Monday, which I need to actually recuperate enough for a week of work, is now shot. I can't sleep in, because there's going to be this person doing fucking electrical work - which is apparently going to involve removing and replacing two fuse boxes, so a lot of power tool noise. Nothing in the flat is going to work, so no food, no coffee, no internet, no TV, no video games, and given how dark it is by 4pm, at least an hour of no book. I don't know if my stepfather is going to be there, so either I can't vacate because I can't have a stranger wandering around the flat on his own, or I have to leave and let my stepfather deal with everything and also wander around the flat more or less on his own.

I feel like my space is being invaded with no opportunity to even have any input. The worst part is, I feel like I have to accept it because I don't really own this flat. It's my mother's flat on paper; she's just letting me live here. Not to mention that I should be happy he's getting any shit done at all, given he's spent two and a half years doing absolutely nothing on either flat. I'm assuming he had the electrician do work here this month because this guy's done work on the other flat and it makes sense to him to get both done at once. But I'm still fucking annoyed.

So currently gritting my teeth and wondering what the consequences would be of saying, "I'm grateful for everything you're doing with the flats, I really am. I would just really appreciate it if you could be more respectful of my time and at least ask for my input on things that are going to be that much of a barrier to anything I might have needed or wanted to do on any given day." Because this is bullshit.

And also upstairs is back to using the power tools. Thank the gods it's Friday and I'm not working next week.

...But I am working now, so I'd best get back to it. I don't feel better. I'm still fucking angry, and I just want to punch walls, thanks.

[iseldomunderstand]

It came to me in a moment of inhuman fatigue. Finals had me studying until the dawning sun's rays filtered through my half shut blinds into my dark apartment. I felt like a cryptid in a cave back then.

I was getting ready for bed, too tired to understand the concept of time yet absolutely certain I would not feel any better after whatever amount of it I would spend sleeping. Mouth slightly open, greasy hair, boxers I wasn't sure whether I changed today or not, a drop of drool rolling down my chin, I didn't care. I'm not the kind of person to go out often and as such I'd rarely leave home if not for academic obligations and tended to shut myself inside when on vacation. I tried to remain clean and fresh out of principle but finals preparation was an exception. Anything goes for the sake of finals preparation.

I was under the covers looking blankly at the ceiling. Not a thought in mind, fully lost, the only sensation I felt was a pain in my back, probably due to my less than impeccable posture when slouching over my notes for four hours a day. And as the light of the sun hit the wall next to me through the spaces of my blinds I had left open before going to bed, like the dumbass I am, I made out a word.

"Research"

The rays hit the blinds and refracted through my windows to spell the word very clearly on my wall. It lasted about ten seconds before it just became an assortment of rainbows and slightly yellow light.

"The fuck" were the first words that came to mind in response to this sighting.

I wrote the word "Research" down in my notes app then dozed off, this would have to wait. After a generous eleven hours of sleep, I woke up too late to eat lunch, realized I had to do laundry today and rushed through my shower and "breakfast" (at 4PM) in order to get to the laundromat before it closed.

I forgot about the note for two weeks.

I stumbled upon it while trying to make a grocery list for my birthday cake, and naturally, I freaked out. As tired as I was back then, the details came back to me very vividly yet I was half convinced that it was all a dream or the hallucinations of the sleep deprived maniac I was at that moment.

Generally, people didn't exactly know what they were meant to be good at until they tried their hand at it and realized they were, well, good at it, great even. It's usually mundane stuff. Some people are great at peeling potatoes in a dimly lit room, some are great at speed walking down hills without tripping over a rock and tumbling down, trivial, sure, but useful in some circumstances. The thing is, usually, those people do not get a revelation type visual above their head coming straight from the holy light of the sun into their bedroom.

This type of event is not unheard of but it is extremely rare, it is usually something people born in wealthy families or dire circumstances witness, the kind of people you see on the news as prodigies in their domain; diamond in the rough or born to rule kind of deals. And these were no minor events, mind you, because they were usually followed by plenty of supernatural stuff.

I never followed history classes with a lot of interest, I knew the basics, but the endless quizzing on party trivia never caught my attention, yet I was fascinated by the stories we were told of people with manifestations of their talents. They all sounded fantastical, partly because they were, but also because of the lives the lucky few went on to live afterwards. During world war two, a nineteen year old spy was surprised to read the word "communication" spelled out in blood on the ground after she killed her first victim. She turned out to be capable of telepathy and was extremely useful for acquisition of intel regarding enemy lines and strategies, mind reading is a priceless talent. Not to mention her ability to manage troops on the battlefield.

We're all favored, but not equally, if you get a manifestation of what you have been endowed with, it means you're bound to sooner or later bear heavy responsibilities, and that you've been given the tools to face them. So naturally, when my sleep-deprived corpse saw a manifestation of my talent, I thought I was tripping balls and dozed off straight to wonderland. There was no way I, a disheveled student about to fail my second year in university, was blessed with a manifested talent, and not just any talent but a talent as broad as "Research". Besides, I was fairly certain I had found my gift already, I could parallel park with my eyes shut, well, as long as I was driving with my parents' car so I could use the rear view radar.

"There's just no way I'm gifted like that. "Research" is so broad, that's the kind of deals prodigies get, I'm pretty sure the last chief archivist of the united nations had that, ain't no way."

I suddenly snapped out of my day dreaming and remembered I was making a shopping list for my birthday cake and gathered my stuff to head out. As I walked towards the store, not taking my car on purpose so I'd have more time to ponder, I resumed my reflections, thinking to myself.

"It's too broad, it's just too broad, it's one word and it's so motherfucking broad. "Research" is huge, and a manifestation means it's a big deal."

I started to think about situations where I could have confirmed this kind of gift.

"I don't think it's too hard to be great at research nowadays, if you have a question the answer is usually on Wikipedia anyway, I know how to use google but that's about it. My midnight frantic scrolling sessions through obscure articles isn't anything out of the ordinary. I get obsessed, sure, read article after article, but as much as I devour, the research it takes me to quench my curiosity isn't anything special."

I was beginning to believe more and more that I just hallucinated that one morning, yet, part of me wanted to believe, part of me was too eager to find out. So I figured if I was so good at it, I'd have to research how great this "Research" talent was, if I was gifted with it at all, that is. I strolled through the aisles, mindlessly putting my usual groceries in my bag.

"What's the number one place to do research in anyway, the library? I don't think I've ever been at the one on campus, so I guess that'll be a fun trip. I'll go and enter with one question in mind and see how long it takes me to find the answer without even trying."

I went through self-checkout, conveniently "forgetting" to scan a few items then went home. Once I was done putting away the groceries, the time was six PM. The campus library closed its doors at seven and I lived fifteen minutes away by car.

"Welp, seize the moment as they say."

I grabbed my keys, got into my car and headed to the university. As I drove, I wondered what to even look for once there.

"With something supposedly as strong as "Research" I should probably aim for the stars. What would be one answer the library couldn't possibly have..."

I was mentally flipping through a rolodex of outlandish questions to ask myself, things you'd never get the answer to in a book, not in a public library anyway.

"How many grains of sand in the Sahara desert? Nah, too plain, and I'm sure some deranged mathematician asked the question. How much garlic is too much garlic in garlic bread? Actually, I don't want to know the answer to that..."

I flipped and flipped, I wanted the first one to be grandiose. If I really was gifted with that kind of power, I should start with a bang, make it count.

"How to craft a private pocket dimension. Sure. Why not, let's see if the library has the answer to that. Don't think that's ever been done before."

Just as I settled for that question, I parked in front of the library. Perfect timing.

I entered and tried to figure out the layout of the building, having never been here before. It was a tall building with a full glass exterior, I passed by it on foot a few times and figured the library was on the western wing, but the parking lot was on the eastern side so I'd have to make my way through to the other side once in. The receptionist told me they were closing in a little over half an hour as I walked by, I guess I'll see if I perform well under a deadline sooner than anticipated.

I took a good look at the map of the building on an emergency fire escape plan and made my way to the stairs. My steps echoed as I climbed my way up, the stairwell was at the heart of the building and was entirely made out of concrete, glass and metallic guardrails. You could hear a pin drop five stories above. This was pretty grandiose.

"You know" I thought to myself "If I ever get that pocket dimension maybe shaping it after this place could be a good idea, it feels... Nice, in a way. Aesthetically pleasing."

I pushed the glass doors of the second floor, where the occult, religious, and physics aisles were if the signs were to be trusted. The place was actually really nice. The floor was carpeted, there were reading nooks, and warm overhead lights with a glow specific to the lightbulbs in the lampshade aisles in interior and furniture stores. It was raining outside and the sky was darkening as the moon rose. Truly a magical moment.

"You'd think if I were to get a revelation about my research capabilities it would be in a moment like this, not in a complete daze as I was going to sleep." I thought aloud, mumbling as I approached the aisles I was after. I was progressively becoming more and more reassured in my idea that I had hallucinated the whole event. Still, I came to check and check I would.

"Ok so, crafting a pocket dimension, let's see" I rolled up my sleeves, stretched, then squatted to be face to face with the books. I began to crab walk my way across the shelf, examining title after title, yet not finding much about what I was after. "Eh, thought so. Next." I moved on to the religious shelf, examining the titles and covers I found, yet nothing promising showed up. I had about fifteen minutes left. Well. It was quantum physics or nothing.

I was walking to the shelf as I came across a computer. "Surely" I realized "Surely it'd be simpler to just type 'Pocket dimension' in their database and see what pops up. Hoping they use tagging efficiently." I went to the desk, opening the online register of the available books and did as I planned, going in advanced search, yet, still, other than one or two fantastic novels, nothing came up.

I sighed.

"Yeah, that's what I thought."

The librarian at the desk on my floor politely asked me to leave, I obliged somewhat sadly. I walked down the echoing stairs, grabbing the guardrail as I descended towards the exit, the nightguards locking the door behind me.

"Damn. I really was hoping I actually saw something." I walked out of the building as the streetlights lit up the avenue. It felt bittersweet, like your parents buying you a lottery ticket at the school fair and winning nothing. You lost in the end, but the fun was the anticipation. Yet I couldn't help but feel pretty bummed as I got into my car

"I was really hoping I was actually somewhat... Special." I said aloud to nobody but myself. "Maybe I went too strong, I mean, 'How to craft a private pocket dimension' is pretty ou-"

As I voiced my question out loud, what appeared to be a floating transparent sort of computer screen appeared above my passenger seat.

I froze in shock in front of the wheel, the screen glowed softly inside my car in a light blue hue. It displayed a very barren interface, with nothing but a search bar and a keyboard underneath. Above the search bar was a short line of text that read "Quench your curiosity".

Oh. Well. Color me fucking surprised.

I hesitantly placed my hands above the keyboard, looking around to see if anyone was in the parking lot, and most importantly, if anyone could see me, but I was alone.

I typed my question in the search bar, hit enter and was faced almost instantly with a page explaining in detail the pre requisites of crafting a private pocket dimension. All the concepts it involved that were all alien to me were explained in great detail and perfect clarity, what I knew enough about was not elaborated upon. I saw on the right a scroll bar. The page kept going. It was long. Very long. Yet I read through it at a speed I did not know myself capable of, breezing through lines and lines, no, paragraphs and paragraphs in an instant, devouring the knowledge that I sought in a matter of seconds. I finally reached the bottom of the page. I understood it all perfectly. It was clear as day. I knew all that there was to know on the topic of crafting a private pocket dimension. I did not however have the materials for it. I was wondering how I could possibly get my hands on all the required equipment necessary to see it done, then I looked at the screen once more.

No. It had arcane knowledge, but I couldn't just...

I refined my search : "How can I craft a private pocket dimension and get away with little to no consequences." And sure enough, the page displayed an elaborate plan for me to put in action. It was brilliant. There was no doubt it would work.

Oh. My god.

This was all too much. I had a power allowing me infinite knowledge over anything and could make it so I was essentially capable of all I wanted. I had in my hands the power of an actual god.

A flow of questions swirled in my head. Answers I needed. Answers the world needed. What's the meaning of life? Is there a god? How does this even work? What's the system behind talents? Who gifted me this power in the first place? Is free will an illusion?

I looked at the screen. I placed my hands above the keyboard, but then I froze.

This was a trap. A trap of my own making and one I was happily jumping into with both feet. I'm not a god. I'm barely in my twenties. I'm a student and I'm in my car typing away into a floating screen in a parking lot. This was ridiculous. I was about to reveal eldritch knowledge to myself, as if I tried to educate an ant in advanced rocket science. No. I'm wiser than this. I'm not fit to be a god. Not yet. I'm a human and I haven't lived as a human fully yet. This could wait.

I drove home.

I locked my door, threw my keys on my kitchen counter, took off my shoes and body slammed into my bed.

"What the fuck" I said into my pillow.

The screen appeared again. It had disappeared as I started to drive back in the parking lot, but here it was again. I didn't want to fully indulge in its power just yet but I had plans for it.

"How to make this screen appear" and "How does my power function" were the first questions I asked.

The screen appeared anytime I asked a question aloud. Simple as that. I could change how that worked by asking how to change the way it appeared in the search bar. It was a real wonder how in the span of two weeks between the revelation and today I hadn't asked anything to myself aloud. Yet, in hindsight, preparing for finals made it so I essentially talked to no one and only ever muttered a curse or two when going over my notes.

As for my power, essentially, it was as simple as it gets, I asked, it answered. It only had a few safeguards for me not to get hurt, if any research I did would almost guarantee that I either go mad or get killed in the process, the page would warn me and offer to redirect me to pre-requisite pages so I could go about it in a correct way. It was essentially moron-proofed. Besides, if any research or answer involved harming me, it would be highlighted so I did not get myself into any sticky situation or ended up in a sort of evil-genie or monkey paw situation.

I was also pleasantly surprised to learn that the screen was only ever visible to me and would not appear if I addressed a question at someone else in a conversation, so the screen wouldn't appear anytime I asked someone else how things were.

It was incredible. I had all that there was to know in the world at my fingertips, very conveniently too, and just one ask away.

Yet... I didn't want to put it into use quite now. This was the tool of absolute knowledge and power, I could have access to ways to make anything happen in any way I wanted and with little to no repercussion. I could change the face of the world. Make it a better place. But I doubted that I was wise enough to go about the proper course of actions in my questions. I was afraid my own bias would betray my good will. Perhaps I would even go mad with this power. Eradicate anyone or anything that bothered me.

The thought scared me.

So I pondered what the best way to go about all this was.

I had to become wise enough so I would not let my youth and instincts get the better of me, besides, when it comes to bettering the world, the best way to know what is best for it is to live in it. And using my power to go about living the easy way would alter my thinking. I had to live through it first. My mind was set.

I would grow old first, using only my power to ensure I don't die by then, then once I will have seen a lifetime worth, I will be ready. I will finally use it. But for now, this could not work, I was too naive, too young. I would hold true to my standards and values, do my best to do good until the time comes and only then would I take things in my own hands.

I summoned the screen and asked "How do I make sure I can live by the age of eighty-five". Sure enough, the page appeared and the way to go about it was clear as day. I'd have to switch studies, which didn't bother me anyway, and move away.

Then, I asked how to change the way the screen appeared and set it so it would only appear once I explicitly state aloud that I wish to summon my power and make the screen appear.

I looked around my apartment, then at the screen again, taking one last look at it for a long, long time. I was already mentally thinking about packing up my things.

"See you then". It disappeared, then I went to cook dinner.

As a rule, the shorter a skill is, the more dangerous it is. You’ve never used yours. You were scared of what a single word could do.

[runveganwankerrun]

196.6lb

Wed 29th May '24

Three weeks now of eating no processed shite and I'm three pounds down. Yes! I know! I said this wasn't about weight. I fucking lied. So sue me.

LOTS of homemade sauerkraut has made me regular as clockwork, by which I mean I'm shitting at least three times in a day. TMI? (not that I ever needed any help in the faecal direction really) I've got batches (sauerkraut, not poo!) at different stages of readiness all on the go. Fresh, a few days, a week, and a fortnight. I'm learning that a fortnight is as sour as I like it. The plain one, just salted cabbage, carrot, radish and onion, after a week, is my favourite, I think.

Okay, here's a round up of what I've done differently for the past three weeks.

Ate no shit food. (One dark choc tray bake when out with The Gorgeous Guy and his mum, and I counted that in the day's food. And it was at least two weeks ago)

Made all food from scratch, especially the sauerkraut, which I eat some of with nearly every meal. No Richmond meat free sausages, no oven chips, no processed oils. I'm getting my fats mainly from avocados and tahini. (Did you ever read a more pretentious, middle class fucking sentence?)

Absolutely no Dark Fizzy Master! That's harder than when I stopped drinking (and I'm only half joking!)

I'm trying the 16:8 intermittent fasting, so eating only within the eight hour window of midday to 8pm, then it's only no cal drinks that don't break the fast (black tea or coffee, matcha green tea, chamomile tea or water in my case. Lots of decaf after 2pm, as I'm trying to improve my sleep patterns)

Upped my water intake. Increased to about a litre and a half a day. MyFitnessPal is great for keeping track of that. The downside is I have to remember to track it. Which I do. Sometimes. I'm on a 3006 day streak of recording on MyFitnessPal. I've always been brutally honest with what I record there. If my day is 4000 calories over (yes, that's happened much more than I care to think about right now) then it's on the screen in black and white. It keeps me grounded. Hasn't stopped me becoming a fat fuck again, but it's still a tool I find useful. (Weird isn't it. I'd NEVER call anyone else a fat fuck)

Running. I've been running again. I'm smiling even as I type that. That must mean something. I must like running. It's been so hard, doing even those minute long intervals, but I've been glad each time I've done it. I've run four time now, in the past eight days! And, I've done it in daylight. When non-running muggles can see me! Yesterday was especially significant. I went out at 4pm. Possibility of school kids and a bit more traffic. No one said shit. No one paid any attention to a middle aged chubbster, shuffling along. No one cares!

I feel a weird mix of good and depressed that I'm here again. It's so annoying that I got heavy again. I'm sick to my flabby stomach that I've been so stupid and lax. But I feel good that I've got three weeks into being more healthy. I'm still over the calorie count on MFP nearly every day, but it's all healthy calories, which is a start, and it's not by as many calories as before. There is also the exercise advantage, which is a definite improvement. None of that matters really, as too many calories are too many calories, no matter how they are comprised, but one step at a time.

[notebookmusical]

Thanks for your patience waiting for me to respond to our conversation from a week ago! <3 I just sent a separate happy birthday message but happy birthday again!!

Let's see so since we talked, I actually managed to make a few more bracelets! I'm focusing on making olivia + chappell ones since that's my first concert with bracelets next year. Have you made more since we last talked? Or have you worked on other crafts? I just saw your gorgeous painted vinyl case, which is so nice!

Re concerts - I think bleachers will do a west coat tour leg still! I just can't imagine jack not going to seattle / la at a minimum, but fingers crossed! Like you, I'm going to see olivia/chappell, holly, and taylor. I did get bleachers/samia and noah kahan tickets. And then also haley heynderickx and hozier. I'm more of a casual hozier fan but my best friend who loves fob is also a huge hozier fan so she's going to come visit, which will be so nice. And I'm strongly considering madison beer, which is a bit of a drive + a half day off work, but I absolutely loved her most recent album so leaning towards it. What are your favorite shows you've been to so far?

I have notion bookmarked to explore more soon! The aesthetic over functionality thing is soooooo relatable to me haha I was making a poster at work this week and spent way too long picking out and editing photos before I even thought about the other details. Also yeah omg I think I get a little bit more light here ~4pm or so for sunset but I'm so glad we're almost at winter solstice. Do you have any fun winter plans despite the lack of light?

Thanks so much for the support with post-grad recovery!! I will definitely try to grab some photos of my crafts in the new year (about to travel for the holidays so I'll be away from my final products for a bit). I might also have some decent bracelet photos from eras this year that I can dig up :) I'm glad your voice was (and hopefully still is) getting better! How's it going now? I think baking is kind of crafting! Just crafting with food stuffs.

Totally agree about the holly/muna collab - I'm so happy about it! And also just wanting to see muna live someday. I would also love for holly to do a feature on a muna song too and/or for them to write a fresh song together. Also agreed about both a bfl + 1975 collab for holly too! Fingers crossed! There are a few specific 1975 songs / styles I would love to see for holly (about you would be so good). I'd also love something with charli xcx (or charli + 1975 together since they're connected). Actually maybe bleachers for another collab. I think that could be interesting.

good morning!! 🤍 thank YOU for being patient while i reply as well! hope you're having a good week, friend!

since we last talked, i haven't made any bracelets, but i did work on the vinyl case a little more — realized using acrylic paint pens was much easier than acrylic paint! i actually also got a cake stand for my room (basically, i have a humidifier on my nightstand but i'm worried about water damage, so i got a small cake stand to put my humidifier on) and drew little bows with acrylic paint pens on that too!

i really hope bleachers will do a west coast leg! i'm also a bit shocked and have words with dirty hit about their tour :( i would love to see samia too!! i was catching up on twitter and saw that clairo was at the ally coalition talent show last night and was so incredibly jealous haha. and chappell will be so fun! the seattle opener for olivia is pinkpantheress, and i'm really excited to see her! i started listening to the most recent FOB album and i really like it, so i might make some bracelets for it too! hozier will be so fun! i don't think he's coming anywhere near me this leg which is sad :( i haven't listened to madison beer's new album — i should add it to my evergrowing list of people to check out! i would say sabrina carpenter, maisie peters, taylor swift and the 1975 have put on some of the best shows i've ever been to! what about you?

i had a few fun plans last week! and i went ice skating on monday which was really fun — i haven't been skating since i was like, nine? so it was incredibly humbling and also ridiculously fun. i'm not really sure what i have going on now; probably just seeing extended family and all that — and hopefully catching up on reads + crafts! what about you? safe travels!! 🤍

my voice is still kind of croaky but it's back! i had a facetime call with a friend last night and she was like "oh you're croaky" but at least it's back! and i can talk! thank you for asking 🥺

i would loveeee to see MUNA live too! they were in seattle for cap hill block party but that was the same weekend as eras so obviously i wasn't able to see them :( i would loveeee to see something in the vein of about you with holly — or even something like jesus christ 2005 god bless america; i could totally see her singing phoebe's parts! charli and the 1975 would be fun — i really like spinning which no rome is also on, but would love to see more of them together! bleachers would also be a really fun collab — especially now that bleachers is on dirty hit!

[aamethyst000]

April 2, 2023 9:35am - traveling today

we went on a water taxi to get here in town. now we are having breakfast in a hotel, then we will be waiting for our plane to get to the air port.

5 minutes in and I almost lost my fckn Crew 😂💀 I just went to the bathroom amd they all went poof.almost made me freak out. I'll just be having a coffee for my morning breakfast, then have something for lunch.

10:24am - everyone is just now eating, I am on my second cup of coffee waiting for everyone to finish eating their meals. I get the feeling that this trip might be stressful for me. it might just my anxiety talking.

12:23pm - we all meet up at a meet point here in town, just waiting on the shuttle bus to get here so we can head to the air port at around 1pm. we are also waiting on the other chaperone to get here, only 4 out of 5 of us are here. I still had no appetite so I had to throw away half of my beagle. I've been needing to run to the washroom all freaking morning. it's annoying.

12:57pm - we are still waiting at the shuttle, hopefully it'll be here in ten minutes, I am starting to get anxious again. people are piling up in the room here. I think it is going to be a full bus today, and maybe even the plane too. I don't like that it gets crammed in this small little area. I wonder if I'll be sleeping on the plane ride down south.

3:06pm - we are now at the air port, waiting for our plane to get here. supposed to be here around 3:10 so maybe we will board around 330 or near 4pm. all of us are here just charging up our electronics now. this air port doesn't have a lot of outlets. I wonder how I'll do on the plane. them Lisa got us to take a picture all together before the plane.

4:15pm - we are now on the plane, flying down to Vancouver for the rest of the week. we will probably be lading at around 6pm tonight, just because it takes us a bit to gather ourselves and grab our stuff. my anxiety is so not doing well right now. everytime I look out the window, I am reminded of the crashes that could happen and how I'd absolutely NOT survive this fckn fall. it makes me want to cry and puke lmao so much fckn fun. it is a full plane today, not many families on this plane (thankfully, I can still hear the crying baby through my headphones). now, I am just going to enjoy the view for the rest of the ride and listen to some music!

4:56pm - my poor pen burst before I even got to write, I was only able to open my book and then a bubble of ink spilt out of my pen.

11:35pm - got settled in at the hotel here, had supper (with very little appetite) and sat around in the room for the rest of the night. we have an early day tomorrow [7am] touring around a university school until lunch. then we are heading to the mall for lunch. then we have plenty of free time after 7pm. since I am a chaperone, I don't get to have that kind of luxury. at least I think so, ill have to ask the other chaperones here. anyway, it is getting late, I should be getting ready to head to bed now. NIGHT 🌙

[dowh284goabqvwofpzabqorcpa]

TW: All the drug use things and mental health

That part of me, That 19/20 year old gay little boy who had no idea who he was (very gay, no boy) or where he belonged (with an s in the front & in her own body) was so lonely and genuinely desperate for connection. I'd often find myself scrolling the likes of Grindr & Scruff in the wee hours of the morning. Now, for me, this was perfectly normal hours. I was working 4pm-1:30am so my social interaction was work & the internet (and those damn apps).

I saw this absolutely adorable red-head on Scruff, but the twinkiest twink to ever twink...but I was so absolutely enamored in both an endearing and an unhealthy way. This man was witty, smart, seemed to have empathy, was overall someone I genuinely clicked with. After a few hours of talking via the app we moved to texting, where his charms oozed out of him like it's what he was born to do.

Here's the thing. Did I want to be naked and sweaty with this man? Absolutely. But I also had this deep attraction to him because he kept me on my toes and engaged with my brain in a way that seemed rare to find but natural. We talk back & forth, I confess to him he's fulfilling the Peter Pan archetype in my little fairy tale while he's having a friend drive him to Will-Rogers airport in OKC.

Suddenly, I have a phone call & it's him. There was no warning of any sort, my heart absolutely shredded itself out of anxiety, and I answered.

" Hey, [redacted]," he said as soon as the phone was to my ear. My hands were so shaky, i was worried I'd dropped the phone. I didn't understand WHY this man made me so nervous but in hindsight there's a few reasons.

"Uhh, hi...S"

"And that's the reaction to my grand surprise of calling you? I thought a lonely writer like you would enjoy the distraction this time of night." As if he rehearsed it 1000 tines.

Here's the thing, i don't think S was manipulating me. He was charismatic & I'm a sucker for people.

"I just, I. I wasn't expecting it." I try to straighten the papers on my desk with one hand while time crawls by.

"Obviously, silly," S did always love to call me silly, especially when I'd be angry at myself for something out of my control. "It wouldn't be a surprise otherwise. How do you feel about keeping a secret? Just you, me, and the hot Uber driver I sucked off. No one else will know. Promise not to tell?" He whispers into the phone. I was all ears & could feel my sexual frustration growing. This man, having never even met him, was teasing me just by talking.

He knew how to flirt, it's an art he mastered.

"Uh, yes...yes sir," fell from my lips faster than I wanted to fall at his knees. The thoughts in my head made my arousal almost palpable had you walked in on me.

"You added a sir? I didn't even have to ask. Such a good boy. Anyways puppy, the secret is that I'm high," cool and calm, his tone was always cool and calm & this moment wasn't any different.

"Th-thats fine. So am I, I just hot boxed my car " I confessed. That cleared one conversation off the list in the future

"On meth," and his cool tone suddenlt cold.

"Oh."

"Anyway, be a good boy for me & go shower and get some sleep. Only graveyard shift workers & trouble are up this late at night." He ended the call as surprisingly as he started it, except now there's an elephant in the room with us even though I'm in Oklahoma and he's about to fly to D.C.

[thoughtsofnowandagain]

23 feb 2023

I'm on the verge of tears and it's so stupid. I feel misunderstood and unheard. It's 11:45pm on a thursday. It's friday tomorrow, sam's day off. I have a bridal trial tomorrow morning at 11. Before that, I have to make teas and coffees for me and sam- a friday tradition, I also have to take the ring doorbell off and reconnect it to the wifi- an absolute ballache of a job that I've put off since tuesday but I have to do this because I won't be able to hear the doorbell when I'm in the cabin.

After the trial, I'll also have to sort out lunch which will probably be Maccies because I'd like to go to the sunbeds- very bad I know, but is 8 minutes in a controlled environment better than hours on a beach with an unknown amount of harmful rays? After that, I need to go to my mums and pick up a bag that I'd like to wear- it's a tiny DKNY backpack. THEN, go to the shops and pick up bits for tomorrow's breakfast.

From there, I'd like to go to my friends house and pick up a curler that she borrowed. I need this for the next day but maybe I can do without it.

So yeah, I already have a busy day ahead running errands, and also looking after this man child of a boyfriend. OH and I have to be home for 4pm because I have a client in at 4:30pm in the cabin.

So it's a stressful day ahead. It's also Meg's hen do the day after and I'm picking her up at about 10:30, getting her back to mine for 11am, spend two hours to get her ready- no time to do myself so I'll have to get ready before I pick her up which takes me an hour and a half so I'l have to get ready at 8 be done by 9:30 and be in the car for 10. latest.

As if that wasn't enough to drive me to tears, Sam has said at 11:45pm, that we're going to spoons with 3 of his friends. One of which is a girlfriend and sam does the typical 'she's only going because you're going' ...excuse me? At what point did I say I'm going?? But now, I can't say no because of that insufferable desire to be liked. Old habits die hard, I guess.

So now I have to go to spoons for 'a bit of food and a couple drinks' at 6:30 tomorrow. Which means I have an hour max to get myself presentable. I'll have to wash my hair and airwrap it, that takes me about an hour itself. I also need to do my makeup which granted can only take me 5 minutes. And I need to figure out what to wear. I can save time by finding something to wear now, at 12:01am but I'm too overwhelmed by my schedule to do that right now.

Also the hair washing fucks me off. I'll have to wash my hair at 5pm instead of 10pm like I had planned. This wouldn't be an issue except those 5 hours really do make a difference. nI have oily hair so if I wash it too early, even 5 hours early, it's not going to make Saturday all day which is why I want to wash my hair as late as possible. I have lah extensions on too. Right now it's been 10 days since my last infill, these russian fans are coming out so quick. I'll wash my face tonight, lashes fall out. I have to wear makeup for this bridal trial tomorrow, so when I wash my face to go to bastard spoons, lashes will fall out. Then when I wash my face after spoons, LASHES WILL FALL OUT AND THEY WONT MAKE IT TO SATURDAY. And chances are I'll have to wash my hair again that night because they all fucking smoke so I either sit on a big ass table by myself on a Friday night in a busy pub in my hometown full of my old classmates, or stand outside in the freezing cold while my freshly washed hair marinates in that disgusting tobacco smoke mixed with some tutti fruiti vape bull shit. Fuck I miss drugs. Drugs are very very bad and a very slippery slope for me but at least they were odourless.

That's fine, sam says I don't have to go. Oh well actually he says 'Well don't go then!' after I huffed and puffed about how it's not fair that he's just signed me up for this. So lets explore that option.

If I don't go, I'll probably still have to take sam to spoons and pick him up which I can't be fucked to do cos if I do that I might as well fucking stay. If I don't play my signature role of taxi man, sam will stay out much much later. 'No I'll be home by 10' An absolute lie that he's told over and over again. There is no chance because 2 of those friends are boyfriend and girlfriend so they'll dip real early. That leave Sam and his 1 friend who is going through another dark patch because his girlfriend left him and he'll 'die alone' Cue a very unsupportive get-a-grip eyeroll. I'm a big advocate for mental health (especially considering my own very apparent fucked mental health) but I mean dude, this happens all the time, and he seems to find the younger weird unsociable girls. This one? Never heard a fucking peep out of her. Actually I didn't hear anything out of the other ones either tbf.

Anyways, his friends mum won't pick him up until 12am, and she'll be the one taking Sam home. Theres an option for sam to say 'ah I got to be home early' to his friend but he wont. He'll stay with his friend until 12am because he can't say no to anyone (except me, in fact that's all he says to me these days) I'll be at home, probably not eating dinner, clean hair and waiting for him to come home like a dog. I don't sleep well when he's not here.

I'm exhausted just thinking about it. Saturday is the Hen Do which I've obviously taken lead on, it's literally 12 hours of wearing the 'preppy excited I'm- not- tired' mask and my social battery is very easily drained and it's recharge time is more than insufficient.

So to conclude...

Don't Go:

-FOMO

-Won't sleep until sam strolls home at an ungodly hour when I have an even bigger day coming

-Will have clean hair

-Don't need to figure out an outfit

-Don't need to play pretend and make conversation. Conversation that I can't even hear by the way, it's so fucking loud in spoons.

Go:

-Lashes won't last

-Hair will be fucked

-Have to find an outfit

-Very high stress end to a very high stress day

-Very tight timing schedule

-Lose a few years worth of hearing because it's so loud

-Risk seeing people from school, so you have to look good

-Spend money that you for sure do not have

Honestly, fuck it. I don't want to fucking go. /but then I'll be letting people down. If I don't go this time, it might mean they won't invite me ever again because why invite her? she always says no anyway.

Ideally, it would be best if Sam doesn't sign me up to these in the first place. All he needs to do tomorrow is play his fucking games, poo pick, shower with his 14 in 1, and go to spoons. He wouldn't even need to do the laundry because I've either done it or he's got enough to last him a few days. Which means I'll get the 'please can you put the washing in while I'm at work?' which kind of translates to me 'I work full time, you do housework okay?'

...No, not okay. but you weren't really asking me anyway.

[existentialintrovert]

literally the first night in weeks that i have not slept at all and all the american streamers that i was hoping would be live to keep me awake have decided today is the one day i will not do a 3am stream... ffs