#photographer amethyst000

[aamethyst000]

Aug 17,23 3:33pm - feeling a shift

lately, I haven't felt like the old me, which should be a good thing but it feels weird. on the one hand, I feel like "fckn FINALLY! I can breathe!". then the next, I feel like grieving the old me, knowing that she tries so hard and never felt like she did enough accomplishments before graduating. as if that was my only deadline to hand in my "work". I know the old me wanted to ses this through the end, but she's had enough. I need to let her go. I need to lay her down to rest now. she deserves it after all this time ♡ I think that's why I felt the need to move out for so many years. it's because I know I gotta get out of these old habits and survival skills that helped me throughout my teen years. I don't need them anymore, I am safe and I am able to be my authentic self now ♡ I can breathe ♡

aug 23,23 12:45am - I FUCKING HAVE A CRUSH ON STRAIGHT GIRL GODDAMMIT! THE ONE THING I TRIED MY BEST ‼️A V O I D I N G ‼️ FROM BLOODY HAPPENING BUT NOOOOO!!! IT HAPPENED ANYWAY !! NO MATTER THE AMOUNT OF REMINDERS I GAVE MYSELF THAT SHE IS S T R A I G H T IS UN FUCKING REAL I STG—

1:25am - I've been thinking about this for MONTHS! dude,

I kinda thought it was just "hey you're cute" and asking her if it was okay that I sort of flirted a little bit, just playful. and I wanted to be clear with her about both of our interests and sexuality. and I heard her at least 3 more times saying she's straight to other people who asked. so of course, I thought that was all the proof I needed for me to be like "hey brain? heart? don't fckn play me, she's straight, she's said so multiple of times, get over yourself"

apparently not.

Aug 23,23 5:28pm - like, is it just envy? gender envy? or just wanting to get to know her as friends? who tf am I supposed to tell— hang on.

Aug 24,23 2:53pm - I really hope that this isn't a crush and it's just me wanting to get to know her more as F R I E N D S and not as anything more. I know for sure that she is straight. i know I am not her type. I cant think of anything else but I didn't want anything romantic with her! all I wanted was to be friends, best friends even. so wtf is going on with me? I even checked in with her if I made her uncomfortable if and when I flirted at her (wasn't with cause yknow, she's straight) and as far as I know, she was honest about me NOT making her uncomfortable. I'm still trying to hold back on the flirting.

anyway, since I turned 25. u have been feeling more and more different. I don't know how else to explain it other than I can literally feel a shift in myself. it's hurting but I am learning to let go old survival tactics and habits that I no longer need in my adulthood. anything from my childhood, I no longer need, anything from my teenage years, I no longer need anymore but the teenager bit is (noticeably) hurting me more, only because I genuinely thought I wouldn't grow up this fckn fast. I certainly didn't believe it when every other adult around me told me that years go by in a blink if an eye

now I do, but I am glad I got to enjoy being in the moment in grade 11 and 12 and then the one year in university. and I am going to continue to be in the moment right now ♡

[aamethyst000]

merry Christmas & happy new year! - Dec 29,22 3:02pm

Holy fck, I slept in late. I just woke up! how has your year been? bad? good? meh? mine was like a rollercoaster, one month, I feel gross, I don't want to move or even make myself something to eat. the other 3 months, I feel like I am walking on clouds. all in all, i am learning alot of myself. also, trying my best to unlearn and let go of old habits. letting go of my past, I am thankful that therapy helps and that I found a therapist who would actually help me. I admit, this year has been rough for me but so was last year, and the year before that. I would say it is starting to get easier but it is not. however, I am spiteful and chaotic, I will not stay down long. trying that sentence made me smile, not gonna lie

5:44pm - my tooth fckn HURT, I can't eat on the left side of my mouth.

9:22pm - I definitely need to make an appointment with the dentist. HOWEVER! I will be a busy cleaning up my room for a bit. then check on my mums laundry, after that we will have ice cream ^-^ and maybe hot chocolate.

10:01pm - almost done with my mums laundry, I am currently debating if I want to have an egg sandwich rn or just scrambled eggs. all while charging my phone, I think ill be buying myself a laptop before I buy the picture printer for my phone. I want to see how it feels to type my journal entry's on a laptop instead of my phone. I am getting tired of using my phone for everything, well, almost everything. yeah, I think that is what I am going to do. I'll be doing the rest of my planning in my personal journal.

speaking of, as far as I know. none of my family members here have read my journal. as far as I am aware of, at least. I'm still pretty upset that my mother read a page. I can't be too upset though, I used to do the same when she'd leave an open letter on the table or within her area. when I really think about it. I did a lot of snooping around. I need to bring that up with my therapist.

[aamethyst000]

Friday June 23,23 12:17pm - I am so proud of myself

my last talk with my oldest brother had me thinking, as someone who identified as a women for a very short period, I was already confident and brave to be my authentic self. As a trans, Two-Spirit person, I am inspiring others to be their authentic selves and be brave, cunning and whoever. I am thinking of what privileges I have as a trans person, the chance I get to publicly change my name and gender, be out to my family. just how fckn luck I am to have friends and family who accept me for who I am and I love it ♡

June 27, 23 10:58pm - I have been catching up on the Trans debate lately and ended up having to go for a walk yesterday. I was livid. it just inspired me that much more to be proud of who I am! no matter who else says otherwise! despite all of that, I am also fucking scared. there are other people who want trans people literally dead, or "not in your face but I support [insert community]" there is hardly anyone in between.

June 29,23 3:14am - I'll be messaging my Therapist some time soon to start up my appointments again. I have too many things I want to say, and I think I physically need to let out some anger one way or another [at the very least, as a healthy copping mechanism]. I don't know how I am going to explain this or how I want to bring this up with my brothers, but I will once I figure it out or when I say "fuck it" for the millionth time. anyway, I've been feeling pretty damn scared as both an afab person and a part of the Trans community. seeing the stuff on tiktok that make me rethink the pride parades, the debates, the threats I may receive after being out Long enough. it's a lot but I am still going to be out and proud no matter what happens!

[aamethyst000]

abit overwhelming this week - Feb 28,23 8:27am

I may have agreed to a job I may regret later on, but at least I'm getting paid. I have to look after someone with alzthimers (is that how you spell it?) for 3 days. not gonna lie, I am pretty nervous about it. it may be my anxiety talking too, it may not be that bad. still, I feel like I agreed a little too quickly for my liking. especially when I get stumped on questions I am supposed to ask. I really want to work on that. especially when I hate having phone calls. man, I fckn hate phone calls. anywho, my little brother just left for school and I am taking the dogs out for their first outing, I don't need to shovel the snow this time around. which I am so happy about. snows so fckn heavy! I'm thinking about taking a nap this morning or just staying up and watch Shera on Netflix. if I am staying up, I might have a puff.

12:07pm - sooo... I ended up taking a nap and over slept. that was a good nap though, I really enjoyed it. anywho, I may move my appointment to this afternoon today. since I may start work on Wed. I was seriously thinking about post ponning it to next week. God it's so warm in the house. I still have things I need to talk about and a new method I want to try out.

4:17pm - I am currently sitting in the kitchen trying to decide what to have for supper.

lol never mind, my mother just said we could go charge up at the store tonight. we have mostly meat that my little brother doesn't eat. it kind of sucks but it is not his fault for being a little picky here and there.

OH! my therapy session went really well today, despite it being last minute. I had a lot to rant about and my method worked! I'm actually kind of shocked the pace method worked o.o I am also happy that it did, the pacing method helped me think. and now I gotta think about how I am going to go about this job I agreed to go to. like, I am genuinely nervous. this is my very first time looking after someone with alzheimer's (I looked it up this time) in my life. not gonna lie, I am very nervous.

8:09pm - we are having store bought pizzas and some snacks. I am getting more and more nervous about tomorrow, I got all (I hope) the details I need from them. she gave me a quick run down on things I needed to know. turns out, I am staying the night there and then heading home for a few hours. hopefully there won't be that much interaction. I am currently on my third (3rd) cup of coffee and second (2nd) cup of water.

[aamethyst000]

well rested - Nov 28,22 8:12am

good morning! I actually got up at 8am this time!! I am happy ^-^ my stomach is acting all sore and everything, so no breakfast for me. at least until this goes away. despite going to bed at nearly 4am, I actually slept pretty well! didn't have a hard time sleeping, was not tossing and turning but I definitely was c o l d. my poor cat had to hide in the closet for warmth. I have my little heater on now, so that my room can warm up a bit.

since I have been asked if I would like to be in a relationship, I have been thinking. I am not actively looking for a relationship, like I did from 17 on up, it has been 2 years since I have been in one and stopped looking. I figured, hey, maybe my relationships would be better if I started therapy, maybe my self worth and love would be better. and it is! I have become more self aware, slowly accepting myself to make mistakes, wrong decisions or anything of the sort. I am slowly allowing myself to have much needed conversations with family. being more honest with them and myself. because, let's be honest, not being honest just to "keep the peace" hasn't always worked out for me. even with best intentions. this is all thanks to 2-3 years of therapy, my therapist has been very helpful over the years, I wanna thank her. even though it is her job, I still wanna show some appreciation!

10:39am - I smoked 3 joints by myself, had 2 cups of coffee and scrolled aimlessly on tiktok, I even looked at some of the new fanart here. my morning has been pretty good so far. I didn't have the urge to take a nap like last week, which is fckn fantastic ♡ I love that for me ♡ I was kinda expecting a notice from the clinic this morning, but I guess they are busy. I hope I get notified soon, I want this appointment. I need it actually.

[aamethyst000]

working today - Mar 6,23 7:59am

I was in bed by 130am last night, then I (for some reason) woke up at 3:30am. then again at 630am and 730am. no wonder I am yawning a lot. it was very difficult for me to wake up and get out of bed earlier. I so badly wanted to sleep in this morning. breaking this particular bad habit is DIFFICULT, especially when I love to sleep. time is going by fast, but I bet you it won't go by as fast once work hours start. it is only 2 days of work but my body and brain is thinking like it is going to be a week. oh well, I am just having I got 2 days of work!

12:15pm - I just got home for lunch 15 minutes ago, having a toke with my family before I go eat. this morning wasn't too bad, not many calls coming in, which I was happy about. many medications came in, so I had to make some calls before lunch hour. we are even fully booked with appointments! it is a little overwhelming but I think I am doing okay so far. I am still wearing my Trans tape (day 3) it has gotten pretty itchy the last 2 days except while I am sleeping. my long hair (literally just shoulder length) is starting to bug tf out of me. I am almost willing to keep all of my hair in a ponytail all day today. I am tempted to cut my hair but at the same time I don't. anyway, I am going to go have my lunch now and mentally prepare myself for this afternoon. anxiety is starting up again. I hope I can eat.

11:30pm - I got home at around 5pm, really cold and some what tired. I have one more day to go tomorrow and then I have to wait until the next call to work at the clinic again. temperature fckn dropped to -8 tonight. it is fckn COLD man. now I am just having a toke with my family before I get ready to head to bed.

I have been thinking about my bestfriend lately, she is currently pregnant and after tomorrow she is going to figure out how far along she is. she is the first of my closest friends to get pregnant or start a family! if I am feeling nervous and excited, I can only imagine how they feel. it is such an odd feeling, even for me.

[aamethyst000]

Bonfire, May 3,24 - 3:38am

I went to go hang out with my friends earlier today! It was fun, i actually enjoyed myself until my own social battery nearly ran out. my best friend was the one who started the fire while the rest of us collected moss and sticks ( we had no axe, so we had to work with what we had), well, we started collecting those stuff after she did. she made a really big fire, which was impressive. They had a lot of boxes to burn, so that's what we did tonight. At first, there were only 3 of them, my best friend, our other friend,cat, and our other pothead friend! The fire was so pretty, that i got distracted for nearly 15 minutes. Not that i really minded it.

any who, my feelings throughout all of that was really weird and i do not know why. anytime my best friend and our pothead friend interacted, i got the feeling of being jealous, like... why. he and i aren't even dating and i do not truly know if i have any sort of romantic feelings for him or if i am just falling back into old habits with him. Not to mention he literally just got out of a relationship AND it is none of my business if anything happen between the two until they personally make it my buisness, so, i need to sort out whaterver it is that i have been feeling. cause it is getting ridiculous. Even for me, like, what is evenn going on?

well, im not going to fuss about it too much tonight, it is too late in the night to start having a crisis, gotta have it tomorrow. not that staying up has stopped me but i really do want to fix my sleep schedule at some point in my life. I really like to sleep a lot, so this will defintitly be very dificult to do on my own. oh well, i gotta try at least. until i get to a point and say "you know what? my sleep schedule isnt going to be fixed, im just going to stop trying" which, i do not think will take long for that, om sure.

Good night, readers <3

[aamethyst000]

Oct 16,23 3:45pm - hard to move

hello, it's been a minute. I'd say I've been doing fine but thats a lie. I genuinely do not know I feel specifically, everytime I think I've pin pointed how I feel, it immediately doesn't feel like that and it only made me feel more confused. I even looked on the mood wheel? feelings wheel? emotional wheel? I don't even know, but I took a look and it only made me feel more confused. maybe I should just call my therapist and book an appointment again, see how that plays out for me.

lately, I haven't been cleaning my room or putting my laundry away and it is actually making me feel gross about it (it doesn't happen alot, especially when I'm feeling like this) for once. I just don't have the energy to clean yet, and I think I know why. I haven't been taking my anti depressants for weeks. I've been feeling drowsy and don't want to do anything at all. not even eating but I do it anyway. I've started taking them again and marking them in my journal, just so I can keep up with how long I've been taking them.

Nov 2, 23 3:35pm - I am just having a toke with my ma and uncle, they are talking about sports while I listen. one of the few topics I can tolerate that doesn't involve race,gender or sexuality. conspiracy theories are okay when they're not about the three things I just mentioned, but when they do talk about it. it only makes me want to use whatever money I have to move tf out. only confirming that I just dont like confrontation. like, at all. I was in denial about that for a long while. even in my teen years, I hated that. my throat just starts feeling closed up, I feel like crying I can't think of anything to say and then I start shaking.

10:09pm - we just had takeout for supper today, now I am having a toke sesh with my mom and uncle again. I wanted to have a bath tonight but I totally forgot my little brother needed a bath. so I think I am going to wait until tomorrow to do so. I was hoping that keeping up with my anti depressants would help me with my sleep but, it didn't, so I'm gonna have to try a new method for sleep. not like I'm having a hard time sleeping, I'm just sleeping nearly 12 hours and cannot wake up in the mornings. which annoys me. I have more than 8 alarms, ffs amd I still can't wake up.

[aamethyst000]

Aug 31, 23 2:30pm been thinking too long

I have been taking my me time to look around at my family and friends, and all I see if them struggling on all levels.

some in ways I may not be able to comprehend

others, I might be able to understand to an extent,

it's scary, at some point in my life something is going to happen [trigger warning from here on: talks of suicide or life accidents] they may try suicide if life gets too heavy for them or some accident that may put them in debt. literally anything can happen and it's terrifying, I so badly want to help but realistically, I can't. I can give them a boost, but what's that going to do for their mental health and for the long run? their choice is theirs just as much as it is mine. and I do not know what will happen next, I do not know their full story.

Sept 11,23 11:01pm - I've been writing in my journal for anything more personal, just for me to read. Right now, I am having a puff with my ma and uncle.

Sept 15, 23 5:44pm - I am sitting in the kitchen, just finished eating and having a 3rd cup of coffee. the kitchens a mess, my room is a mess as well. I have to do my laundry again 😩 I want to take a month long nap. maybe even a year!

Sept 16,23 3:47pm - being trans is going to be fucking tough, but I am resilient and stubborn!

I am proof that we exist

I am proof that we start off as feeling indifferent to other children,

I am proof that gender affirming care and gender therapy is important,

I am proof.

my body, my life, MY choice.

I will be standing up for myself, the Trans community, the lgbt+ communities, the single parents, for the children (ranging from missing to the lgbt+ community, or abuse of any kind)

[aamethyst000]

July 24,23 11:19pm - change of plans

I really want to get out of here. The shit that my family talks about make me feel sick and disappointed. while they talk about political issues which is reasonable but the other stuff just makes me feel...sick in the stomach, I almost shut down but I feel a little afraid to say anything about it. My little brother is her though, I don't want to leave him here this soon. You can tell I have conflicted feelings about me moving out.

July 26,23 4:05pm - I just came back from the clinic to see if I can fax the paper back to agent's office for my name change. however, I may be too late to hand the paper back to them. my case was only open for thirty days and I received the paper on the fifth of this month. honestly though, I thought I saw a fax number on the paper and apparently it is not even on there! so I am going to see if I can mail it tomorrow afternoon and just rely on that instead of faxing.

my little brother has been working on using my chosen name recently and it has been making me feel loved♡ so I have been working harder to see him as a growing person, rather than a child that long grew out of. That is also why I am trying to look for a full time job rn, I haven't received an email from the manager yet. while I am planning on using my cheques for savings, I want to use the other money for my family (groceries, gifts, etc). I'm actually starting to feel a shift in myself (spiritually, mentally) and it feels nerve-wracking and good.

July 27, 23 4:19pm - my nephew(oldest) came to visit today ♡ it was nice to see and talk to him ^-^ I didn't even know he was here in town until he came knocking on the door lol I was still asleep when he knocked. actually, the whole household was still asleep when he came knocking.

Aug 3,23 12:54pm - He's here again, this morning he dropped off the bed set from the band and then came to visit us in the afternoon. boi he is fckn T A L L !! like, im 5'4ish and he's fckn over 6 foot!! like damn boi STOP GROWING! lmao

4:43pm - in about 20 minutes, he will be leaving for the ferry tonight. my mums poor dog will be sad after he leaves, like the last time he came over. I am on my third cup of coffee, ate one pack of pizza pops and then I took my daily meds. today feels like a busy day today.

Aug 10, 23 10:28pm - next week may be his last time coming over in a long while. since the band has been this generous this often, it might be another decade before the band does it again.

anyway, on another topic, my Trans tape has been helping me A. LOT. lately and I am LOVING it ♡♡♡ I feel like the gender neutral person I've always seen myself as ♡ my little brother has been working on using my chosen name and pronouns ♡ my best friend has been doing so as well! life is great ♡

[aamethyst000]

June 30, 23 10:05am - part-time jobs

been off and on working since I think December of last year. some days I work for 3 days, others I just come in for one day. which is fine for me, up to a certain point, then I am going to be even more on the hunt for a full time job, no matter where it is at. although, I have been making pretty decent money here at the clinic! I thought I made quite a bit at the school, but here is like, 100$ more! and I fckn LOVE it ^-^ I will be talking to Lonnie and my boss about whether or not I am able to work full time here.

if I do, that is when I will be saving up more money than I am now ^-^ not that I am complaining, this is getting me by and I like it!

July 14,23 9:58pm - there was a posting for a full time Job on fb a couple of days ago and I am planning on reading the applications and when I should Hand in my resume. this way, I atheist have a stable job for a while [maybe a year or two]. even just to save up enough money to move out with my cat.

July 18,23 10:20pm - I have just sent an email to the hr manager earlier today and I actually felt very nervous sending the email and the fact that they may want to hire me and I might make too many mistakes. yeah, can you tell I am nervous? I applied for a full time job at the clinic 🙌 I am also quite excited to work full time. I am just nervous about doing the job all wrong. I'm just so very nervous. waiting for their reply shfkjs.

[aamethyst000]

June 5, 23 10:23pm - HAPPY PRIDE!!!!

This is my seventh year celebrating pride and I am genuinely happy about that!! ♡♡ I have been out of the closet since 2017! can you believe that??! I certainly cannot believe it sHDKSJFKSsjdk—

2 0 1 7 man! I'm pretty fckn proud of myself ♡♡♡

June 6,23 1:00pm - I'll be going back into town to legally change my name and gender, I just called the rcmp to make the appointment, turns out. there's only one available appointment and that happens to be on my birthday! Thats 2[two] weeks from now. I'm still going to go into town and shop for the household. we need so much stuff dude, it's kind of concerning.

9:03pm - our fckn power went out .-. it sucks, mum and I were trying to make fried bread tonight to have as a snack 😕 there is not enough head in this house for this bread to rise 😤

also, mum and I decided I should go into town to do some grocery shopping this Friday. we are running out of so many stuff man, that is the reason why we wanted to make fried bread. I am hoping that it goes back on some time tonight or tomorrow. I want those fried bread!! 😭

June 7, 23 9:02pm - we ended up making fried bread anyway! as late as it was, we still fried them ^-^ we ended up with 4 a piece, not to mention that we planned about me going into town again. there are some changes to those plans but we are both getting them done!

by the way, I just heard about the wild fires. I hope everyone can find a safe place to stay and have lots of stuff you need during this time. I heard it started at the same time! that's nuts.

June 9,23 10:54pm - just got off the call with bear moments ago. had talked about a lot of things [a lot for me] and had a good cry. I really love and miss him ♡

[aamethyst000]

may 23, 23 8:43am - busy few days, so nervous

I finished washing the dishes yesterday and cooked dinner. I am pretty tires from doing all of that so I might take a nap this morning. my little brother and I went to the store too, we ended up doing some grocery shopping while we were there.

I am hoping that me and my brother can go into town sometime this week to get our ID's done and so I can just legally change my name & gender all in one go. I am so nervous about that not working out for me.

2:52pm - I am just having a toke with my family before I go make a cup of coffee and eat my snacks while watching Steven universe or the owl house, I haven't decided yet.

may 24, 23 4:03pm - my cisgendered family keeps on saying their opinions about the Trans community. it is upsetting.

may 26, 23 11:28pm - I am now in town with my little brother to get our ID's done and legally change my name and gender. I am so nervous about that specific process not working for me. even though I definitely want this change, I am also very nervous about this permanent change! soon, I will be known as Amethyst Avira or Amethyst Sankey!! ♡♡ my little brother and I are just waiting at the rcmp to get my finger prints done. then we are heading to Bc services. then maybe have a quick lunch before we go shopping.

6:30pm - my little brother an I are on the ferry ride home now, we did a little bit of shopping and gout his id's done (I couldn't get mine done) and grabbed some takeout for supper tonight. I even got my mother a (very) late mothers day gift ^-^ I think she is going to love it ♡ I can't wait to be home and just relax. I finally came out on Facebook and too my mother (before I made the post). however, because I couldn't get my ID done, I may have to go in next week to get them renewed. it kind of sucks that I couldn't, today but that is okay! I already came out to my family and that is already so much progress~♡♡

[aamethyst000]

may 13, 23 2:53pm - very anxious!! ♡

I am so excited to go into town and change me name & gender!! I am also so very nervous about this process not working out for me. I wouldn't know who to go to if that were to happen. I also want to being my little brother in town to get his ID'S done, he is 16 now [could've gotten then when he was 15 but, it's okie] and I've promised him to get his own ID.

11:03pm - mum and I got the dishes done and started cooking right after. we had pork cutlets with mashed potatoes for supper tonight. now we are getting ready for mothers day tomorrow 🙌 we are having turkey for her holiday. Mother is also helping me with the name change this week! I am so happy, well, so far she only knows about me wanting to change my last name. not my full name and gender change ♡ oooo~ I am so excited ♡♡♡ I find out some time in August if BC serves accepts my name and gender change.

may 15,23 11:47pm

I am planning on learning how to roller blade some time tomorrow. it seems kind of fun and a good excuse for me to go outside more often. after I make the trip to rupert, I am going to start saving up money for the move. I may just have to suck it up and look for a full time job. working at the clinic is not too bad, I am just answering calls and making appointments.

may 16, 23 8:38am

I woke up pretty late [as per fckn usual] my little brother was taking his time to get ready for school, then I took the dogs out for their first outing.

11:25pm - I took a nap this morning to by pass the tooth pain, which only worked after I brushed my teeth. I honestly thought it was going to hurt a little more but it didn't. which was pleasing to know. I am hoping my brother and I can make it into town Thursday morning. I am getting more and more anxious about changing my name and gender legally!! aaaaagggghhhhh djfkhsfkdj—

may 17, 23 8:51am - my tooth was hurting really badly last night, like to the point where I couldn't move at all late last night. had to put pressure on my face, take 3 pills to numb the pain and I was crying. I seriously gotta make an appointment asap.

11:46am - I don't think I am going to go out again today. that pain took quite a bit of energy out of me. I am currently making lunch for my little brother and then I think I am going to have to take the puppers out during lunch hour, we have workers just outside my house and wuxi [one of the two puppers] barks at anything and anyone. so she won't pee if that's all she's paying attention to.

1:56pm - just having a toke before I go get dressed to check the post office and then head down to the band office and pay for my little brother and i's round trip tomorrow.

9:05pm - nvm, we are going to go into town next week do get both of our ID's done. my mother and I needed to double check with bc services and whatnot.

12:21pm - I am just going to brush my teeth before I go lay back down for a bit. then, I a going to take the dogs out for their last outing. I am not going to have a late night toke, my tooth is still hurting. good night!

[aamethyst000]

may 1, 23 1:46pm - there will be changes ♡

it has been a while since I last wrote an entry. I actually have been busy for a bit, slowly planning my appointment for legally changing my name and gender! I am so excited for that!! since it is may now, I will have to plan the appointment very soon. I have a list of things I need to do in my binder and how I am going to go about it ♡ I am also very nervous to make this change as well. it's almost gut wrenching.

5:03pm - I have been debating whether or not I genuinely want to go for a walk tonight. it is sunny out, and warm~ it would be nice bit do I really want to? I am also trying to work on not using the word "should" so often. it is probably the reason why I am so indecisive. I wonder who made me feel like that though?

7:37pm - the feeling just got stronger so I may just get up and get ready to go for a walk. this time, it's just a me time walk, not a "I need a goddamn breather or I snap" walk. I am like that quiet a lot.

May 3, 23 10:00pm - hf my body is so sore. my little brother and I just got home from the store for our grocery tonight. on my third cup of coffee and no drink of water. we are going to be having a late ass dinner tonight and I'll be taking a bath after dinner. I am also debating whether or not to spend more than 200 for 3 trans tape. i need more of the tape, now that I have one more roll left. it kind of sucks but I have to renew my id's and change my gender and name this month. I am so excited for that, btw! and so nervous!

[aamethyst000]

April 8, 23 7:21am - going home~

I woke up an hour ago and couldn't go back to sleep. I'm feeling anxious this morning because we are flying home today! our flight won't leave until 1pm but we gotta get there to check our luggage and how many people are boarding the plane. it was pretty packed on our way down here, which I did not like. it's probably why I avoid taking the plane as often as I do and why I always prefer the trains over taking the bus. anyway, I am also excited to go home and be in my own bed~ and see my cat ♡

being in this city is so exhausting and fckn expensive! I'm so glad I don't live in this area, I prefer PG over any other city. catching one train to another, or even a cab that is nearly 50 per trip. an Uber is not that cheap either. I got so stressed that my appetite could not keep up. I'm glad no one worried over if I actually ate or not. I don't know if they'd understand that I could no physically force myself to eat a big meal like that. on top of that, lots and lots of walking from one building to another. not to mention the new additions (at least from the last time I visited here) like the pets they have now and proper blankets. they definitely did not have that the last time I was here. I'm glad that they have little companions though ♡ I am so very thankful for this opportunity to travel again ♡ me and the rest of the group will be leaving the hotel at 10am to head to the airport. I'm going to be so anxious throughout the whole thing.

8:18am - I am really hoping that I can sleep while we are on the plane today. I am actually getting sleepy again. then again, I might get too anxious while we are at the air port. the place is so bloody huge, I genuinely get a little afraid to get lost there with how big it is. I am going to double check everything in my suit case and my laptop bag before heading down into the lobby. it's gonna be a long wait, that's for damn sure. some of the students love to wait until exactly the time we said we are gonna meet. I can see why and how it is so irritating when my mum asks me for something. I can try and fix that, for my own sanity and everyone else's. now that I realize it is a really bad habit to get into.

12:04pm - we made it to the air port and through security. despite my anxiety saying other wise. we are almost home, me and the group will be boarding the plane at around 1230 and departing around 1pm.

I have been feeling drowsy since I woke up early this morning, I am also feeling cranky too, so I am hoping I can nap on the plane ride back. it looks like it is going to be a full fckn plane again. it is going to be so bloody warm then. I'm a little upset about that but all I am thinking about is home and my beedddd, along with seeing my cat again ♡ he has been such a Lammy pants since me and my little brother left home lol poor thing. I think I am just going to meet everyone down at the ferry docks when we land. I don't want to bump into the sperm donor again. if danny isn't beside me, I might just strangle him on the spot.

1:49pm - we are on the way to home now, I tried to take a nap but I seem too anxious to go home. I had like a quick little nap before departing but that was about it. now I am just listening to music on Spotify and just zone right out during this flight. the sun is blindingly bright. that's probably why I can't have a little nap.

5:00pm - we all made it on the ferry and now are on the way home! I am so excited to go home and rest, dude. I am so tired I am ready to go hermit mode for 2 weeks. just as I predicted, we had to go straight from air port to the ferry docks. my little brother did not like that, he wanted to buy more gift cards for his gaming system. he couldn't, since we didn't have enough time. supper will be made by our favorite takeout lady tonight 😋 and I get to have NORMAL coffee as soon as we get home ♡ I should've waited u til today to have a bath but I get the feeling as soon as we make it home, I will be too tired to do anything else lol so I think ill just be having supper and unpack some time tomorrow.

this trip was fun but fckn exhausting.

10:30pm - we finally made it home at 630, I am so happy! I felt myself relaxing after coming back home, our takeout also made it here half an hour later. it was so yummy~ I had a pizza sub with a side of zingers. I even had two cups of coffee~ I feel so much better after smoking a few joints as well ♡ I feel back to normal~ I am not going to bath tonight, im just gonna relax in my room and pet my cat ♡