#if i sound rude i cant help it because i am actually really upset by the first half. seriously. what the fuck.

[enden-k]

I've been following you since before you started Genshin, back when you were doing Fate/Grand Order art. I've stuck with your art as you've jumped from fandom to fandom, and I love your style so much... BOTH old and new style. But I think the fact that you are just so nonchalant about deleting anything old you ever make to the point of encouraging others to like your own content JUST so you can delete it is just too much for me. I've seen you encourage that at least twice now. That is actually discouraging for people when it comes to engaging with content. Someone liking a piece and engaging with it increases it's chances of deletion? I can't understand.

Yes, sure, it's your work. You do it for free. At the end of the day it's your choice what happens to it. But it pains me to see you delete anything old, even works of yours I enjoy. I'm considering unfollowing, as much as I want to see you continue on your art journey even when it jumps to fandoms unfamiliar, because I can't get attached to your work when I have no idea when it's going to disappear from the internet forever at any point.

??? im not encouraging people to like my old stuff so i can delete it, and people liking my stuff doesnt increase its chance of deletion. i tend to joke to hide the fact that it actually DOES make me a bit nervous but there is STILL plenty of my old things on tumblr, twitter and pixiv. most of the stuff i deleted were old ass replies to make navigation easier. and most of the art pieces i deleted are ones i either made while in very bad mental space or because i connect unpleasant memories of certain people with it (im not vagueing anyone here, we go separate ways)

i also sometimes just forget about things i meant to delete later or find pieces that make me feel uncomfortable/embarrassed and i have every right to delete those. im still insecure about my art and i get uncomfortable when people compliment me too much bc it still feels undeserving. it always was like this. sometimes its so bad i just want to delete my entire blog and never pick up a pen again. its not often anymore that i react like this but sometimes i get this violent reaction when i see "faulty" old art of mine i feel very embarrassed about. perfection is bs ofc etcetc but when it comes to my own things i get embarrassed when people see my faults or rlly bad art and i dont want anyone to make fun of me again, to laugh at me for making a mistake or being bad at something ever fucking again.

you want to see my old art? here you go. its still here. its all here.

if you want to unfollow me, please, go ahead. people can do whatever they want and im not forcing anyone here to stay. do whatever feels right and comfortable to you, thats the most important thing.

[murdrdocs]

celeste I’m dying and need help (this is super fucking long I’m actually so sorry)

so this guy that I’ve been friends with since literally 8th fucking grade likes me and asked me to go out with him but I don’t like him back but I’m too scared to reject him because I’m the type of person to feel AWFUL if I hurt someone’s feelings. Everyone tells me that it’s not my problem and that I shouldn’t feel bad but like I CANT.

I really wished I liked him bc he’s super sweet and literally said he’d buy me sour patch kids and give them to me when we go out (but I feel bad when people buy things/do nice things for me too) and I’ve been trying to give him so many hints by either straight up avoiding him when he asks me out (this is all over text btw) and I also told him “if I wanted sour patch kids, yk id get them myself. plus I feel bad when people buy things for me” and he’s like persistent on it.

and to make it worse, he got rejected by a different girl a few months ago and literally cried. me and my friends (cause he’s in our friend group) were like “comforting him” (basically telling him she wasn’t worth his time bc she was kinda rude abt rejecting him) and stuff like that, so I don’t wanna hurt him again.

he knows I had a toxic ex but doesn’t know the full extent, and bc of that ex, I’ve literally not had a crush since him bc he traumatized me.

anyways I genuinely tried summarizing this super quick but I’m sorry it got so long, I understand if you don’t want to respond/read the whole thing, but if you do then thank you!!! <333 (sorry for any spelling or grammar mistakes I’m just panicking rn and my autocorrect is working overtime)

-‼️

okay i'm gonna give it to u so straight: u gotta bite the bullet man. i get that ur empathetic but think abt this, if u do go out w him your feelings are most likely not going to change. then you'll be stuck, eventually he'll figure out/find out that u don't rlly like him. and it'll be a massive gigantic shit of a mess.

it sucks and it can be a sticky situation but the only way you'll get out of it is by being honest and putting ur foot down so to speak. plus it'll suck for a little while but if he's a good and true friend, he'll eventually move on and you guys will be just Friends again. and you can't be upset abt it forever like actually. you'll feel bad for a little while but eventually your body/mind will do what it needs to and you'll be okay again.

as for going abt it, avoidance neverrrr works in my experience. (been there trust) you have to tell him straight up that u dont want him. and if he is still persistent, then that's a major red flag (also trust me) and u do not want that in ur life.

also also, ppl get hurt unfortunately that is a part of life. if u don't hurt him, someone else will (sounds bad but it's true) and u aren't responsible for other ppl's feelings/how they react. all u can do is live ur truth and look out for no. 1.

anyway i hoped this helped? i am ... not the best at giving advice pertaining to men/guys/boy species without being a bitch abt it but i truly did try to set aside my erm ... dislike to help u. but get other advice too and ultimately go w ur gut (and ur head be logical but not too logical)

[wkemeup]

I dont normally do this, but i saw u giving other people advice, so here i am. Idk if i told u already, but my vision is very bad. With glasses on, i still cant drive and i may have to go on disability. That aside. Im very self concious cause of my glasses. I dont have "normal" glasses, the lens are extremly thick. You cant even see my eyes from the side and it makes my eyes look very small from the front. Because of new developments however, my vision is even worse now and i gotta get even thicker lenses. I hate the way they make my face look already, so im really not excited for a new pair. I know i need them, id need a dog without lol. But i just hate how ugly they make me look, and now i gotta get even worse ones?? Idk, any advice for how not to care? Or how to not feel self concious? Also no offense but plz dont recommend surgery. Not to sound rude. Its just people recommemd it often, and i cant get any. Iv had mutiple surgerys already to fix stuff, so anymore could be very bad. Im still upset about that too actually. Not to add more stuff lol. But ya. I wanted surgery so bad, and i was told all my life id be able to get Lasik. Nope. Not a retinal transplant either. I cant get any corrective surgery yay -_-

Ugh. Sorry this was such a mess i just stressed out about this, even tho i know i have no control over it. Srry if its too much, but id really appreachiate any advice

My first thought would be choosing frames that are more aesthetically pleasing? Even if your lens itself it thicker, the frame can still be cute, right? I don’t know much about this stuff so it’s hard to give advice - not that my word means anything really.

But it sounds like this is something you don’t have a way around. It’s a matter of accepting what you can not control and moving forward. It causes more frustration and pain to entertain the ‘what if’s’ and ‘i wish it were deferent’ thoughts. Every single person on this planet has something they’re insecure about, but it does not have to define you. I’m sure you notice it more or fixate on it more than anyone else because it bothers you so much. I wish I knew what to say to help with this, I’m sorry

[armillary-spheres-lover]

Hey

Idk if you ever got the answer to your thing. But I’m a person who is queer but regularly uses the term lesbian to make things simpler. I can tell you why I hate the phrase monosexual- it feels transphobic to me- I am not attracted to men at all, but I am attracted to women, non-binary folks, gender queer folks, and agender folks. If I was with a partner and they transitioned to be a man I would still love them. That wouldn’t change. Sexuality is fluid and calling someone monosexual seems to erase that and really put people in boxes. Everyone has exceptions. And as someone who has identified as bisexual and pansexual in the past and find those not to suit me and fit right (especially since I am not sexually/romantically attracted to people physically/based on appearances- it’s more about personality and what I could do with a person)

I don’t mean this in an antagonistic way, I really hope it doesn’t come off that way(I’m bad expressing myself sorry).

(I’m sorry, I know you’re not trying to be rude. My answer, however, will sound rude and upset because you touched upon some stuff that needs a lot of unpacking to me lmao. Just know this anger is not necessarily directed at you but at biphobia in general.)

Why do bisexual people may need to use the term monosexual?

A. It is descriptive

I see what you mean but as you said you're queer and lesbian is a term to make things simpler, right?

So I wouldnt call you monosexual because you’re clearly not attracted to only one gender (but if you want to who I am to stop you?). Monosexual is someone who is almost exclusively dating/is attracted to people of one gender. There are plenty trans people that are straight or gay that would NOT date a partner if they realized they were a different gender. For real: kat blaque made a video (here it is if youre interested) on youtube about this - she’s trans and she wants to date men and wouldnt feel comfortable on continuing dating if a partner of hers realized they were actually a trans woman all along. She wants to date guys not girls and that's FINE it just means A. She actually recognizes the girl gender, obviously B. She's straight af and that's wonderful! It’s not a box if that’s how her experience is and she likes it that way!

Also how is being monosexual transphobic? Cant a girl just like guys exclusively (both cis and trans) or like girls exclusively (both cis and trans)? It's not even enbyphobic since you dont need to be attracted to a person to support their rights. (Gay men arent attracted to women but can be 100% feminists.) Being open to fuck somebody is not the same as supporting their rights: fetishization is a thing. Again, I refer to the video Kat Blaque made.

Sexuality IS fluid but to some people (like me and you) it is more than others. Some people don’t feel comfortable dating people that dont fall into the gender theyre usually attracted to and thats 100% okay.

B. It helps in talking about biphobia and panphobia in society

Biphobia and panphobia are for the large part based on the assumption that you cant be attracted to more than one gender (not even non-binary and so on) and that if you do you're weird/disgusting/mentally ill/a sexual predator. I can tell you 100% that's the narrative both straight and gay people can and may perpetuate since I struggle w this kind of shit every single time Im attracted to someone no matter their gender (YES, EVEN IF THEY'RE A GUY, BECAUSE THE OTHER DAY I WAS ATTRACTED TO A GIRL AND NOW I FEEL LIKE A FUCKING ANIMAL THAT CANT CONTROL ITSELF, even though it makes NO sense because if it was two girls or two boys the actual number of people my hormones activated to wouldnt change, but it would make my experience not subjected to biphobia!). I’m not saying gay people are the same as straight people. But I do feel alienated BOTH from heteronormative society AND from (subtly biphobic) gay spaces because of my bisexuality. I costantly feel like I’m outside both of those worlds and you know how humans are: I just need a term to encompass it all easily, to say “I don’t identify with any of this” (which is both straight and strictly gay spaces: ie, monosexual). To me is literally the same as saying non-bisexual/non-pansexual.

I dont mean to say lesbians or gays have it easier or are just like straight people. But we do have different experiences and I need terms to express that. It honestly doesnt matter to me if you identify as lesbian or queer (though I think you’re implying you’re more queer than anything). But I do need a term to talk about how society at large treats sexuality; ie, as a monosexual thing. Another concept that’s been thrown around is bi erasure. A strictly monosexual society is bound to view a girl dating a girl (or girl presenting) as if theyre both LESBIANS and erase a queer person the moment they’re in a m/f relationship, because people cant COMPUTE that it may not be the case and that the girl dating a cis straight dude isnt betraying her queerness.To think so is basic biphobia.

In some ways, I think it’s the same as when transgender people started using the term cisgender - which is applicable to both straight people and queer/gay people. They simply needed a term which meant “not-trans” as they were saying “I dont identify with this” (ie the cisgender experience). Does it imply that cisgender people, no matter if queer, have something in common? Yeah, yeah it does. Does it imply that queer people are just the same as straight people, or face no oppression? Of course not. Seeing people being offended upon being called monosexual feels like people being offended upon being called cis to me.

Also, saying that the terms bisexual people use are transphobic is almost implying that bisexuality is inherently transphobic? Or reeks to me of that kind of rhetoric. I use the terms I need to use, just like any other marginilized group does, and nobody outside of that group has any right of denying me that. It’s like I’m trying to create a safe space for myself and people like me and yall come around to judge us YET AGAIN. And I'm just tired of hearing this bullshit. I could accept this kind of criticism only if it came from a trans person themselves, I guess? But it’s not usually trans people who accuse us of being transphobic, in fact, many trans people identify as bisexual and use bisexual terminology lmfao.

“Hearts not parts” rhetoric

Finally, about personality being superior to physical appearance. That's amazing but I do want to note that, not you necessarily, but many people who are into the “hearts not parts” rhetoric are, how can I say this. Slut-shaming people? I’m not sure if you are doing this but I feel it needs to be said just to be sure. A lesbian trans woman can be just attracted to a girl for her physical appearance and just want to fuck her - and THAT'S OKAY. That's fine. I am a sexually attracted to people and that doesnt mean I have to form a deep bond first. Sex positivity is about accepting that people can feel like this and not shame them for this. "Hearts not parts” rhetoric has in the past infantilized, sanitized or outright shamed other queer experiences. It's fine if you feel that way but dont start acting like you're morally superior because of that. That's catholicism with extra steps. My bisexuality its not the symptom of some predatory and animalistic thing that should be purified into something more palatable and less sexual. That’s the same thing they used to say about gay people and now gay (biphobic) people are using this against us. That’s also the kind of thing trans women (especially if they’re sapphic) constantly hear every fucking day. Queer people have a good part of their discrimination rooted in the shaming of purely sexual desires. Forcing ourselves to be more palatable and less sexual is just respectability politics. I’m tired of it. (This is obviously different from being on the asexual spectrum: but you dont see ace people going around pretending they’re morally superior than everybody else, and many are actually very sex positive)   You would still love your partner if they were a different gender: that’s great, but that’s not how some (most) people feel, and they aren’t superficial because of this, just different from you.

Also, I think you’d really benefit from hearing a trans person say they don’t care if someone has genitalia preferences. Here it is. This obviously doesnt mean that every trans person will feel like she does, but it does mean that we can’t generalize trans experiences/preferences/what they feel transphobia is. Just like straight people dont get to say what’s homophobic or not, cis people dont get to say what’s transphobic or not. The definition of those terms relies entirely on the community that is targeted by these things.

I hope this wasnt excessively confusing but I wanted to make my point clear.

[imaginethathaikyuu]

How did I find your blog? I was looking for soft Kuroo content on google. And your soft birthday hc’s for him came up. And that’s also how I found tumblr

What was the first story of yours that I read? That Kuroo piece ^

Roughly, how long have I been following this blog? Well I found that piece shortly after it was posted so…. Around the beginning of December 2019 I think. Got a tumblr a few months later and you were the first person I followed (had you in my bookmarks bar before that! (still have you in my bookmarks bar and when I share my screen in classes there are occasionally questions. I ignore them))

What’s something I’ve noticed about you personality wise? You’re really clever and funny. But you’re also sweet. But because you’re clever you have no hesitation in setting up and enforcing your boundaries, and I really admire that strength and confidence.

Have we ever interacted, either by PM, ask, or in the comments? What was my perception of you? YES!!! PM, SOOOOO many asks, comments, and you sent me an ask. And reblogged it. And I cried. A lot. My perception: you’re lovely and I want to h*ld your h*nd ….please.

What’s my favorite story of yours? Oh how to choose. Firstly, I’m a nb, biracial, bisexual. Honey, I’ve never made a choice in my life. But let’s try here. Anything you’ve written for Tsukki. Literally all of it is gold. Fight me. I was going to write “especially [piece title]” but I LITERALLY CANNOT CHOOSE ONE. Your Bokuto nightmare piece. Your Kuroo angsty fight. Your Tendou dealing with S/O with parents who yell piece. Your Kinktobers. Your Futakuchi and Mattsun pieces. And your Terushima pieces. Ugh. I CANNOT CHOOSE. OH AND YOUR STREAMER KENMA!!!!!! OKay just… all of it. I can’t choose. I tried, and I failed, and I’m willing to admit failure.

What’s a story I’d love to see you write? I don’t want to say this… because it hurts me… but I just KNOW you’d write brilliant angst. Some of my fav pieces of yours are pained beginnings with happy endings. That fight with Tsukki after a bad day at work. The pieces I mentioned above (nightmare pieces and fighting pieces and angsty home life ha.. ha.ha.ha.). That Oikawa one where the reader wakes up in bed without him and thinks he left. You write these gorgeous atmospheres and descriptive, visceral feelings, and if you chose to use it for evil…. You could get evil shit done. You’re SO powerful. So I want to read it… but also…. I don’t. I’d love to see you write ABO like you mentioned a while back or just see you explore a cutesy soulmate AU or something. I think you’d be really good at writing an AU where you hear what the other person’s listening too. I feel like you’d be so good at making me feel something for someone who was in another city. (think this would be cute with Tsukki cos he’s headphones boy, OR terushima because I like the dynamic of someone flirty, who clearly cares about looks, falling for someone he can’t see) ANYWAY….

Favorite pairing you write for?/fav reader insert? Tsukishima x reader. It’s my fav self-ship. (but also Mattsun, Bokuto, Oikawa, Tanaka, and Akaashi because you write them SO WELL!!!!)

Have any of your stories helped me through a hard time? Of course. Your self-harm piece came at a time I needed it. Iwaizumi’s in particular saved my life. But also your Tendou dealing with S/O parents who fight… came right when I needed it. Also starting college… was hard.. And reading and rereading your fluff really pulled me through it.

Have any of your stories hit closer to home? YES (see above).

Do I genuinely like your blog, it’s aesthetic or posts? It’s overall feel? It’s content? Yes. The aesthetic is, ngl, a wee bit basic. But I kinda love that. And the feel? It feels like home. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Your blog is my safe space. So, yes, I love. It’s content? YES. OF COURSE. Your personality probably could have kept me here even if your content was kinda shit, but I follow you RELIGIOUSLY because of your content. So yes. I adore.

Is English my first language? Kinda??? I grew up in a trilingual household so I kinda learned three languages at the same time while growing up. But no, I don’t need to translate it in my head. Because English was one of the three.

Anything I want to share? Yes. Please keep being kind to yourself, caring for your mental health, enforcing your boundaries, loving Akaashi, and just generally being you. You’re so lovely as you are, and I hope you continue grow, but never change. Also I’m sorry about all your work stuff…. It literally makes me feel sick. And I hope you find a job where that’s not tolerated, or that your work finds a better way of protecting it’s employees. I know you know this, but none of it is your fault. I just hope things improve. AND I love you… a lot. And I’m so proud of you hitting 9K and you deserve so many more followers because your pieces are just... GORGEOUS. I can’t wait until I’m at Barnes and Noble in a few years and I can pick up a hardback copy of your debut novel. I’m so excited to say “I knew Em Akaashi (which is your legal name as far as I’m concerned) before she was so popular among the masses.”

so ive been trying to figure out the correct and worthy way to reply to this ask since the moment i got it......because its so fucking sweet and kind and amazing and pure and perfect and i just dont know how to use WORDS to explain the way it makes me feel so.......i will just reply in bullet points in regards to every question u answered to make it a lil easier :D

- the fact that u found my blog on google ....... like this may be odd and a very specific thing but before i made this blog i always hoped that 1 day my fanfic would pop up in google searches bc thats ALWAYS how i found fics when i was reading them religiously and i felt so much ENVY!!!!! LIKE I WANTED TO BE THERE I WANTED MY FICS TO B POPULAR ENOUGH TO POP UP ON GOOGLE.....that may sound very selfish but its true......so thats just very cool to me... :]

- u’ve been here for so long omg 🥺🥺🥺🥺 if anyone in ur classes ever asks jus promo my blog like its nbd 

- thats so sweet what 🥺🥺🥺 i try my best to advocate for myself and be confident for myself.....ive spent far too much of my time being silently uncomfortable because i was afraid of pushing someone’s buttons seeming rude.....but NO MORE!!!! i know what upsets me, i know my triggers, i know what i dislike experiencing, and im never gonna let myself be anxious or uncomfortable for someone else’s sake, esp if theyre being rude 2 me. i would say its less strength and confidence and moreso me attempting to take control of my anxiety in the places i can (aka on the Internet) bc i am SICK OF ANXIETY ATTACKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

- BBY no dont CRY!!!! im racking my brain trying to think of who u are i wanna know so bad so i can thank u personally for being the kindest person in the world n so i can send u more asks >:(........MY HAND IS URS TO HOLD!!!!! dont tell akaashi tho 

- OMG my TSUKKI pieces.....hes so hard to write why ;-; thank u so much im so glad u enjoy my works<3333

- NOT ANGST NOT LIKE THIS!!!!!!!!! pained beginnings to happy endings are my specialty.....IMAGINE me writing a sad ending like i CANT!!!!!!!!! ive only done it a few times and it is so Difficult.....YALL ARE SO LUCKY IM NOT EVIL!!!!!! ive had this idea for an angsty akaashi fic that i think about and write in my head every night before falling asleep and it Hurts and i wanna write it but i also can’t make myself :D ABO would be very fun but i genuinely do not know how to explore the concept while making it feel like it’s Written By Me.....u know what i mean? same with soulmate aus, i really dislike writing them because theyre just boring to me like they all feel the same everything’s been done for them.....which is FINE!!! but i write enough cliche stuff as it is HAHA, a long distance type soulmate au could be fun and interesting but ldr’s trigger me bc of a past relationship so </3 but hey maybe someone else could use the idea!!!!!

- gotta love tsukishima <3

- im rlly glad my writing could be there for you friend, one of the biggest reasons i write fanfic (and write the kind of fics i write) is bc i know firsthand how much reading sweet stories abt ur comfort characters can help u through the shittiest times - i just wanna offer ppl some support and happy feelings and love cuz sometimes fanfic is the only time we can find those things (and theres nothing shameful abt that either if anyone bullies u for reading fanfic i will fight them)

- I KNOW MY LAYOUT IS LAZY AND BASIC AS FUCK AND THAT IS BECAUSE I DO NOT GIVE A SHIT LMAOOOO so im glad u think its ok...... like i dont have the patience to create a fancy ass layout that actually works are u KIDDING ME??????? I COULD LITERALLY NEVER plus i kinda like that its just the basic kinda ugly boring default layout like it makes it simple and easy and i feel like it brings focus to the only thing on this blog that i care about which is my writing, i rlly only care about the content here and not aesthetics jdbljdabsdk that blue background will be there til i Die......i adore u more btw 

- WHOA trilingual what the hell ur so cool tell me more 

- you have my word, friend, that i will continue to do all of that so long as you do the same. take care of yourself, be kind to yourself - i know u can do it, ur so kind to others and u deserve to be kind to urself, too so this is the part that genuinely brought me to tears because *sappy dumb shit ahead* ok look ever since i can remember the one and only thing ive wanted to do with my life is become an author ...... dreams of book covers with my name written on them and words in pages written by me and fanart of my characters and going into my local bookstore n seeing my book there....these thoughts all haunt my fucking brain because i want it SO BAD!!!!!!!! so bad that it makes me CRY!!!!!!!! ive never wanted something more and just!!!!!!!!!!!! idk how much u meant that part but holy fuck!!!!!! i hope so bad that one day i can send u a free copy of my book as a thank u for being the person u are. u have all my love friend, every last bit of it <333333333

[punkscowardschampions]

Charlie & Ronnie

Charlie: You said you were coming to this thing

Charlie: can I send your apologies instead now?

Charlie: 👍

Ronnie: you wish

Ronnie: ill be there like i said

Charlie: Time management was never one for the CV

Charlie: but you’re already more than fashionably late, dear

Ronnie: &

Ronnie: invite came from mckenna and he dont care

Charlie: It’s not his dinner party

Ronnie: no shit

Ronnie: its not yours either calm down like

Charlie: I’m just saying, you’ve wrangled an invite as is

Charlie: you’re gonna make it more awkward because?

Ronnie: if shes not got you working the door now as another favour why the fuck are you so bothered is what im just saying mary

Charlie: They’re nice kids, whatever beef you’ve got with your brother and the rest, I don’t see why you’ve got to involve them, is what I’m saying

Charlie: they’ve not got fuck all to do with your family drama

Ronnie: err he ll be made up dont you want me to be a boss big sister

Charlie: the kid clearly has his own issues

Charlie: I could spot codependent and toxic before you could walk, don’t lie to me, like

Ronnie: cant walk now so stall the starters or dont

Charlie: For fuck’s sake Veronica

Ronnie: you wanted the truth bitch

Charlie: You can’t show up here high

Charlie: they’ll be terrified, might call the cops

Ronnie: showing up sober is what i cant do

Charlie: don’t you think you should take a break from him

Charlie: whatever you decide to do after, you need to calm it down

Ronnie: it was you who said not to act like he werent about

Charlie: yeah, you can’t pretend it hasn’t happened obviously

Charlie: but that was before you shot him up

Ronnie: and after you told me to look after him

Ronnie: make up your fucking mind baby

Charlie: What would be preferable is you not fucking doing it

Charlie: really should go without saying

Ronnie: it fucking wouldnt

Ronnie: you cant hack living with me on gear how do you reckon itd be with me off it

Charlie: I meant dosing a kid, ‘cos there’s no way it happened the once

Charlie: and there are options for you, for free on the glorious NHS for now

Ronnie: you meant both 🖕 he werent a kid when you wanted to fuck him

Charlie: Not the same is it

Charlie: someone can be old enough for sex and not old enough for you to ruin their life

Ronnie: love ya for the flattery but his life was fucked before he found me

Charlie: was he using

Ronnie: youre the only cunt i know who reckons hes above it even B uses 💊

Charlie: yeah because there aren’t levels to it

Charlie: come off it

Charlie: the 💊s he takes aren’t on the level of smack, at all

Ronnie: mckenna aint never gonna let you daddy him you can stop pretending to give a shit

Charlie: I give a shit because you’re a mess

Charlie: more than usual

Ronnie: i dont usually have to babysit any bastard half brothers like

Charlie: you’re choosing to come tonight though

Ronnie: i owe him after that call centre bullshit

Charlie: and that’s it?

Ronnie: what the fuck else would it be

Charlie: You tell me

Ronnie: i just did

Charlie: Alright then

Ronnie: [show up so he can judge the absolute state of you IRL and have to make allowances for that and how rude you are]

Charlie: [we all know how this goes, feel his shame and judgment in how much work we have to do to cover up your behaviour]

Ronnie: [how offended and upset she would be that he's ashamed of her is killing me because how could he not be babe]

Charlie: [oh honey, like what else could we be lol]

Ronnie: [the real question is have you picked up on the jealous and intense incesty vibes yet boy or what do you think is happening lol]

Charlie: [If anyone would pick up on it, we know you and your possessive energy]

Ronnie: [yeah that was my thought cos he knows her the best and they have their own weird history and vibe so]

Charlie: [he’s obvs not going to talk to you right now because mad and also like !!! but feel free to do some if you wanna]

Ronnie: [gonna have her try and talk to him when Jamie is talking to Joe for obvious reasons lol but before we’re bleeding]

Ronnie: you can lord it you were right but lets bail yeah

Ronnie: charlie come ed soft lad

Ronnie: what you ignoring me for 🖕💔

Ronnie: fucks sake

Ronnie: [after the briefest pause because he won’t immediately reply to her just gotta go into graphic detail about that OD she had in Margate before Joe got there cos he can clearly see all the self harm that’s going on but she wouldn’t have told him about this until literally now]

Charlie: [just a look like DON’T that cannot be overstated]

Charlie: why would you do that

Ronnie: can we fucking go now

Charlie: you can

Charlie: don’t use your self-destruction to hold me hostage, you’re beyond too old for that now, Jesus fucking Christ

Ronnie: [this makes logical sense to be where Sophie pops up with the kitchen roll etc and then bathroomgate so all of that is kicking off]

Charlie: [just out here doing the most to cover for you]

Charlie: what the fuck are you doing

Ronnie: [because they are doing the most in that tiny bathroom LOL you can have a reply once she’s left]

Ronnie: leaving

Ronnie: youre welcome

Charlie: yeah, you did me such a solid there, tah

Ronnie: you too florence dead caring

Charlie: you can’t hack a kid’s dinner party?

Ronnie: fuck you

Ronnie: you know whats wrecking my head

Charlie: yet you can’t leave him alone

Charlie: how the fuck can I do anything if you won’t do that

Ronnie: you werent gonna do fuck all end of

Ronnie: youve not

Charlie: you aren’t a kid, I can’t force you to sort your life out

Ronnie: yeah cos being like you will save me

Charlie: I’m not OD’ing with strangers

Ronnie: 💔 everyone liked you better when you were using

Charlie: you did

Charlie: and that isn’t a good enough reason to be a junkie forever

Ronnie: no shit i did

Charlie: well I’m so sorry your majesty

Charlie: God forbid I sort my life for me

Ronnie: nobody but you gives a fuck you stopped snorting lines out of every twinks arse crack

Ronnie: god forbid you shut the fuck up about it and this recovery bullshit

Charlie: you clearly give a fuck, Ronnie

Ronnie: you give more of a fuck about mckennas flatmates than you do about me

Charlie: that’s bullshit

Charlie: you only came to ruin their night, you got mad when it weren’t going your way

Charlie: you expected me to help?

Ronnie: i dont give a shit about these teenagers

Ronnie: im losing it and you reckon theyre on my mind

Charlie: Is ruining his life going to fix yours

Charlie: no

Ronnie: youve never had to hack this dont fucking tell me how to

Charlie: because you’re the only one who has family issues

Charlie: fuck you, you know I’d give anything to be in your spot

Ronnie: if i could swap our places i would

Ronnie: i dont wanna fucking be here doing this with him & you aint even tried to get your head round that

Charlie: in what world does it need to be like this

Ronnie: the world im living in where the fuck is your head at

Charlie: why can’t you just fucking

Charlie: cut him off or actually try

Ronnie: this is me trying

Ronnie: i didnt hang myself off the back of their bathroom door

Charlie: then you need to stop

Charlie: I’ll tell him to leave you alone now

Ronnie: hes gonna do that now without you flouncing in

Charlie: I’m still doing it, you ain’t here to stop me

Ronnie: hot but you still aint his type

Charlie: not funny

Ronnie: not joking

Charlie: don’t be tapped, I wouldn’t go anywhere near him now

Ronnie: stick your dick where you like i dont give a fuck

Charlie: yeah well I’m slightly more discerning, tah very much

Ronnie: these days

Charlie: yeah, where we live now

Charlie: I’m not trying to relive my worst years every weekend

Ronnie: yeah such a grown up youre having dinner with kids

Ronnie: save this little speech to pull the wool over the eyes of whatever wool homo youre gonna try and pull at the weekend

Charlie: I never said I was there yet

Charlie: better than the state of you

Ronnie: 🖕💔

Ronnie: state of me yeah after whats just happened youve seen fuck all yet soft cunt

Charlie: that’s the sound of me being unimpressed

Charlie: grow up

Ronnie: shut up properly by getting out of my fucking face

Charlie: I’m going out

Ronnie: with your new bezzies

Charlie: what’s it to you

Ronnie: youre not a junkie and youre still the most selfish cunt i know have a word with yourself

Charlie: because I’m not jumping to do exactly what you want, no matter how dumb or shit an idea it is

Charlie: yeah, I’m the problem, alright babe

Ronnie: you reckon you wanna be in my place so bad but you cant even hack it from there

Ronnie: since when have i gotta beg for help off you

Charlie: I wouldn’t act like a dick if anyone from my family reached out

Charlie: and what help? You haven’t asked for help, you wanted me to help you shit on some random kids to make you feel better for 10 seconds

Charlie: if you actually told me anything seriously, if you wanted help and not just someone to get high with

Ronnie: i wanted to fucking leave & cos i didnt its pure fucked now

Ronnie: i am my head is worse than before and you dont give a single shit

Charlie: what did you do

Ronnie: like fuck are you getting the gossip

Charlie: gossip are you serious

Charlie: ‘cos this either is and I’m the shittest mate in the world or it isn’t and it’s ‘gossip’

Ronnie: shittest mate is right weve established it

Charlie: what did you do

Ronnie: fuck you its your fault

Charlie: then tell me what I did bitch

Ronnie: i told you we shouldve gone

Charlie: okay, we should’ve gone

Charlie: go on

Ronnie: you were there

Charlie: yeah, and I was covering for you

Ronnie: yeah well done

Charlie: you say that like I’m meant to know what the fuck you were doing, is my point

Charlie: i was a little busy sorting your mess

Ronnie: you had a cob on over that mess and the one im in after it is loads fucking worse so theres fuck all you can sort for me now

Charlie: calm down and stop being dramatic

Charlie: just tell me and we’ll sort it

Ronnie: fuck off

Ronnie: thank christ i dont need you to calm down

Ronnie: [gonna go get messy obvs so she probably won't reply but if you wanna try go ahead hun]

Charlie: yeah, smack has served you SO well thus far

Charlie: what a great idea

Charlie: come on

Charlie: oh, the silent treatment in return, really

Charlie: very mature

Charlie: I’ll see you when I get home

[thethirdwheel404]

Med Rewatch Series (#5)

S3 e3: Trust Your Gut. From what I remember this is a big one. I just remember this episode title honestly but we’ll see what happens.

-look at that! ava’s just casually in this scene, minding her own business, doing her job! you would never guess that this is a character who would later have a psychotic break and commit suicide.

-that’s really the point i’m trying to make. I hate all those posts where they’re like ‘i hated ava before, but season 4 has finally shown her true colors’ like not even?? no??? we’re trying to prove that that was never even a thing. i want to eliminate the possibility of s4 happening from your minds. nothing from s3 should ever be used as foreshadowing. that’s what the rewrite is about, ava being a good character. ava was never going to commit suicide. she was never gonna go psychotic. that should be ingrained in everyone’s minds.

-anyways, back to the episode.

-connor takes everything like a personal attack. relax

- i never realized how fun stoll was. like obviously not in the story but as a character he’s hilarious. unattached by everyone else’s drama

-awww. this maggie interaction is amazing. tapping sarah on the shoulder (neck actually but whatever) just to say hi. adorable. and sarah is already super jumpy. come on. her anxiety is already setting in. they really gave sarah two huge storylines in the same season.

-maggie... no one else would ever slash sarah’s tires. i mean honestly

-WHY DOES CONNOR HAVE TO CONTROL OF EVERYTHING - honestly ava was just reading off the chart and he can’t even let her do that he has to take over just to say the same things.

-and the way ava just takes it with her smug smile

-she is such a strong character there is no reason she would have gone crazy over connor she literally needs nothing from him.he has not ever had anything that she needed. 

- SHE’S JUST ROLLING HER EYES, SMIRKING, AND SHAKING HER HEAD AT THIS INSECURE MAN ava I love you.

-okay there’s no way i can explain it but after rolling her eyes at connor Ava turns and looks at the patient and instantly her face changes and you can see such pure concern in her eyes?? s4 ava could never (can someone please rb with a picture of what i’m talking about? it’s uncanny and so so sincere.)

- she’s in control of her emotions. she cares so much for her patients so don’t even try to play that card. the only thing connor has done literally since she got here is get in her way.

-AND CONNOR LOOKS AT HER WITH SUCH DISTRUST AND CONTEMPT. TELL ME HOW. this is insane. exasperating.

-and the way she smiles and comforts the patient. i mean come on. she’s just so amazing. AND COMFORTING. if ava really was as heartless as people say, she wouldn’t take the effort to do that. connor didn’t even do that, he just scowls at ava.

-which just proves my point, ava is only ever mean to people who she thinks deserve it. and, the more that I think about it, she’s never really actually mean. sure, she’s blunt and rude, but never cutting. she’s nice to her patients (and I know what you’re going to say, it’s not because she has to be. she’s a doctor, she still wants to help people). but when her patients are dicks, she’s not nice to them. she’s as snarky with as she’s professionally allowed to be.

-like, take this guy. he seems nice enough. he’s funny, polite, comes across charming, so ava is nice and is polite back to him.

-let’s move on.

-why is connor always so suspicious of ava. come on. he’s the one who should be sus. she literally said ‘Don’t worry, Ray, we’ll take good care of you’ and he’s giving her this weird side eye.

-ethan and will being in this board meeting is really adorable to me. like, just, bros.

-oh godddd sarah please relax. sweetie. please.

-sarah fucking tranqed him oh my god

-oh my god noah asking people for help literally shut the fuck up

-straight people are gross. not to hate but how does anyone sit through manstead

-connor literally needs to chill. I know this bit (they’re arguing over menial things in surgery) plays more to them just picking on each other, pulling each other’s pigtails on the playground if you will (i didn’t like that analogy but I used it anyway), but if you look at it, ava was only trying to help connor (suggesting a wider possible target and an easier to handle stitch) and connor took it wayyy to personally. sure the second bit of advise is just poking at him, but she suggested a better spot on the base and he shut her down without any thought.

-and then latham points out that there is no point in arguing, to which ava defers, then connor snidely says ‘Thank you, Doctor, Now, how about from here on out we keep the background noise to a minimum’ and ava just shakes her head, scoffing.

-at this point ava just likes annoying connor because its fun. it’s entertaining. he gets so upset. everyone’s done that, just be annoying for fun (its bad to say but i mean come on everyones done it)

-another point, ava immediately deferring to latham might read to some as her being a suck up but that’s not what it is.

-ava really likes seeing how close to the line she can get. she goes right up to it, but she never crosses it. the same is true with her interactions with other people outside of surgery.

-I really like this story of the girl who passed out and hit her head, and her brother’s a wreck, and her parents obviously think the brother’s a disappointment. and it was finals week so of course she wasn’t taking care of herself. and the brother knew that, and you can tell he cares so much and feels so bad. it’s nice

-complication on the surgery they were working on. ava comes in with a solution (off of connor’s mistake during surgery after not following her advice) but I have a sneaking suspicion that by the end connor will be back on top

-the effort it took connor to say ‘it’s a good idea’ come on man just fucking let it go

-i’m glad we’ve all agreed that connor’s just a dick

-aw look at that she even held the door for him. connor would never

-i don’t want to overly push the ‘med is sexist’ thing but how is it that in a storyline between nat and ethan, characters who have never been romantically involved, they still pull the woman thinks one thing, man refuses to believe it and is right dynamic. i mean come on med seriously. what the fuck is wrong with you.

-the look of annoyance and disbelief on ava’s face that connor hadn’t actually messed up. comedic, but also i get your pain.

-glad that latham sides with ava, ava advocating for a riskier procedure so they could ensure the blockage is removed)

-(something could be said about ava’s high-risk, high-reward ideals. you could even draw the parallel to events in s4 and s5, even though I really don’t want to. it’s an interesting and notable character trait to say the least)

-YOOOO I FORGOT HOW METAL THE PSYCH STORY GETS

-dude straight up cuts his abdomen open and his intestines spill out

-the fear and shock and emotion on sarah’s face make me feel so bad for her

-WAIT IS THIS THE EPISODE WHERE SHE LOSES THE END OF THE INSTRUMENT? IS THAT WHAT THIS IS? i am not prepared to watch an ava bekker breakdown rn.

-the shock on ava’s face when connor said nice job.

-ava actually tried to apologize to connor. well, not apologize but she feels a little bit bad for just how abrasive she’s been to connor. (connor didn’t necessarily have to make it super competitive). Ava said “Look, I know i have the tendency to step on toes. it’s nothing personal”

-and now they’re not arguing and are this close to actually working like a team

-and i cannot believe connor’s big one-liner is ‘Murphy’s law’

-the emotion on april’s face when the girl’s parents won’t even let her brother grieve for her. I feel it. astounding. its so painful omg

-ava: “your optimism is enchanting.” when i was writing earlier I was worried I wasn’t being accurate with her dialogue and making it sound too overly formal but i guess I nailed it. also, this line reinforces how much I love her (so does every other line)

-connor just refusing to give ava anything, no credit, no nothing. doesn’t even give her credit for earning the surgery saying “you may have elbowed your way onto the case, but he is still my patient” (I JUST TRANSITIONED INTO A QUOTE SO SMOOTHLY WHY CANT I DO THAT IN MY LANG RHETORICAL ANALYSIS ESSAYS YOU’RE KIDDING)

-hey it’s joey!

- i can appreciate him so much more when he’s not chasing after reese

-do you remember their first meeting? bickering over who gets the last splenda? (real meet cute amirite)

-dr. charles remarking how all the scientific advances can’t beat human instinct, nice little tie in to the episode title

-ava just smiling while connor waits for her to apologize. she. takes. no. shit.

-i literally hate connor’s face so much. it fucking looks predatory like stop looking at her like that. it’s almost like you were planning her psychotic break

-ava’s cunning, saying ‘we’ instead of ‘i’ when talking about the decisions being made. she’s smart. she knows what to do. She knows how to present herself. (and yeah, a little hypocritical that she said to connor ‘when you fail, I will make sure that it is noted that it was your fault and not mine,’ but like I said, she just knows how to present herself)

-latham: “Dr. Bekker seems to enjoy this discordance.”

-rhodes’ face when changing his mind and saying ‘maybe I do’ when asked if he enjoyed it too - he literally makes the dumbest faces. please. stop. (is it a straight people thing?)

Alright. Another episode down. 17 to go. This was actually a pretty good episode all around. Ava took none of connor’s shit and you’d have to squint to find any sort of romantic subtext in their interactions, which is huge win in my book. reese’s storyline wasn’t too bad, she didn’t go through too much trauma, which, the bar for watching med is incredibly low i guess. This was a really good episode for ava. like I said before, very little romantic subtext, and she had a redeeming quality in the way she obviously cared for her patient at the beginning of the episode.

The main point is something I’ve been reiterating again and again. Ava cares about her patients. Ava is mean to connor because she knows someone needs to put him in his place, and she is glad that it is her.

All in all, this was a pretty good Ava episode. Very happy.

thanks for sticking with it.

-

read the rest here:

Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 6 / Part 7 / Part 8 / Part 9 / Part 10 / Part 11 / Part 12 / Extra

[heartxofxaxvillain]

Give me fake your death for Dabi and hurt my feELINGS BBY

OKAY OKAYE

It’s not good at all, but I’ll get better the more I try (I hope??) aaaaa i hope its okay! There’s probably a BUNCH of errors, but et ees what et ees ig,,,

It had been years since that last time you saw him.

Dabi, a mysterious and gruesome villain, best known for the trail of charred victims he’d leave in his wake.

How the two of you met was a bit cliché in your opinion.

It was a rainy night, and you were walking home, deciding to take a smoke at the end of a dark alley, dimly lit by nearby neon signs from active clubs and bars from across the street.

I choose defeat...

It wasn’t preferable to be there at this hour, after all, your home was just on the outside of the worst part of town, but that’s just how it seemed to play out.

You quickly jogged into the alley, your thin jacket draped over your head and shoulders to try and stay dry, you weren’t intending on staying at work that late so your didn’t think you’d be caught in the rain.

You sighed quietly as you stopped to lean against the alley wall, moving to hold up your jacket in your hand to reach into the right pocket to pull out a lighter as well as a pack of cigarettes, frowning to see you only had on left.

Rolling your eyes, you place the last cigarette in your mouth, lighting your lighter and holding your other hand around the flame so it won’t go out with the harsh wind.

That’s when you heard it, a quiet, but noticeable shuffling coming from inside a nearby dumpster a yard or two back.

It grabbed your attention for a second, but you didn’t bother turning around to face it, raccoons and other animals weren’t uncommon, after all. After a second though, while the shuffling persisted, something with it seemed off. You decide to focus on it a bit more, and you almost regret doing so, because that’s when you noticed the heavy breathing and panting along with it.

Before you had time to register that though, a much louder, pained groan escaped from the dumpster, making you jump and snap around to look towards the source.

You were frozen, your mind buzzing with thousands of thoughts, was this a trick? A setup for a kidnapping?

‘No...I know what pain sounds like...that had to be genuine...”

You may have been a fool for doing so, but you took a slow step towards it anyway, not realizing you had dropped that last cigarette in a nearby puddle, either.

As you made your way to the dumpster, you couldn’t help but notice a very strong, disgusting stench, but with a hint of a metallic scent. There was definitely blood, and a lot of it. If it weren’t for someone possibly about to die in the dumpster before you, you would have sighed in relief, maybe you weren’t going to get kidnapped. Maybe.

Then there was another groan, and you nearly jumped out of your skin.

Taking a deep breath, you very hesitantly opened the lid to the dumpster where the groan was coming from, and inside you saw the silhouette of a tall, dark haired man with an enormous tear on his side, blood pooling in the light-colored shirt under a leather trench coat that was laying under him.

I walk away...

You stared for a second, you were used to seeing wounds like this, but the strong, disgusting smell was making it much more unbearable then ever before, but you figured out what that smell was when the man opened his eyes.

A neon turquoise, glowing bright enough to illuminate quite a bit of his face. Your jaw fell with a gasp and you let go of the lid of the dumpster out of fear.

This wasn’t some guy, this was a criminal- no, villain. A well known villain, identified by his blue flames and thousands of scorched enemies.

You were definitely going to get kidnapped.

And leave this place...

“Nn...fuckin rude..” he spoke from the dumpster.

You jumped a bit, not thinking you’d hear him speak at all.

You stood there, thinking about how you should walk away, run away even, get law enforcement to take him, maybe even look for a hero.

Though, something in the back of your mind was telling you to help him, that you should.

“NO. No, no, no! I am NOT going to help a villain! I am a good man! That’s not what good people do! That’s..”

“Gnnh..you’ve got a pretty me...messed up view on good then...” he interrupted, his words quickly followed up by loud, raspy coughing.

He was right though, you always wanted to save people, and just because he was a villain doesn’t mean he deserved to sit in die in such a horribly painful way. Probably.

The same today...

After a few more seconds, you swung open the dumpster lid to the side where you could see his face.

“L-Listen...If I help you...you have to promise not to kill or hurt me! I know your probably could give a shit less about a life like mine, b-but...”

“Holy fucking shit, you’re actually still here.” He said, sounding genuinely surprised.

Some like to sleep...

“W-Well...I cant just leave someone hurt...” you replied, quietly.

“Ghah...still, I’m a person who could kill you in less then a second if I so pleased...but I guess you’re lucky I’m too fucked up to kill anything right now heh—“ he tried to end his words with a laugh, but let out a very loud, pained groan, writhing a bit along with it.

That’s how is started, you ended up taking this villain to your apartment. Nowhere else was safe for him, if you had chose a hotel, they would have called the cops. You still cursed at yourself for bringing him there, though.

You laid him on the living room couch, cutting his shirt off of him so you could see what was happening. You quickly found the source, a badly torn skin graft, one of many on his body. Now is a time you’re kinda glad you took a few years in medical school.

“HGGN— fuck!” He cursed as you tried to clean up the tear.

We like to play...

“Shhh! Shut up! Someone’s gonna hear you screaming and call the cops!” You quietly yelled at him, the fear of getting caught helping a criminal with his wounds showing through your tone.

“Then just sew it back up and be done with it! None of that extra ‘cleaning’ bullshit, it doesn’t even do jack shit!”

“Well I think you’d prefer it to not get infected!”

“I could care a whole-fuckin-lot less about it getting infected. Never concerned me before!”

Your face twisted in disgust, you couldn’t imagine someone leaving so many wounds untreated, villain or not.

Just look at all that pain...

After a bit more grunts and curses, you stitched that part of the skin graft back together with his healthy skin, to which he scoffed, complaining about how ‘it fucks with the style he’s going for.’

You didn’t respond, just glaring and quickly getting up to walk into the kitchen to dispose of your gloves and wash your hands.

After some silence he spoke up,

“Hey..I just realized, I don’t know your name,”

“And I’m not going to tell you it.” You quickly replied.

“Rude...can’t I know the name of the man who took a stupid amount of time to put back together” he laughed.

“Why do you care so much? You’re just going to try to kill me or something, anyways...”

“Nahh, I want to know cuz a owe you. You kinda did a huge favor for me with all this, even if you took an annoyingly long with it all.”

You scoffed at that, villains don’t owe shit to people like you.

While you aren’t a hero, you’re also definitely not the type of guy to want to be associated with villains.

You want the heart...

With no response, he spoke again,

“I’m serious, dude. I’m not gonna hurt you, in fact, if you tell me your name I’ll make a promise to never kill you or some shit.” He sounded slightly annoyed, which weirded you out a bit.

“As if I’m falling for that. And don’t try with any of that ‘I’ll tell you my name if you tell me yours’ bullshit either, I already know your name.” You retorted.

Dabi gave an aggravated sigh, and started shuffling to get up, to which you sped over to get him to sit down again at a safe distance.

“Sit back down, you dumbass, it gonna tear again!” You insisted.

“Well if I don’t even get to know the guy who helped me then there’s no point in just sitting around and healing here or whatever. I’ll manage.” He hissed.

You actually started to feel bad, but you weren’t sure why. Was he really serious about owing you something? What did he even owe you?

“M-my name is Y/N!”

You clamped you hands over your mouth after blurting your name, Dabi stopping in the middle of opening the door, turning slowly back towards you.

Or to be saved...

You too a step back out of fear, but he just seemed to look surprised.

“What?” He raised a brow, seemingly trying to make sure he heard you.

“My name..is Y/N” you continued. You already said it might as well clarify, but your voice shook a little out of fear, and the two of you stood in silence for a second while Dabi looked as if he was contemplating something.

He then let out a long, almost relieved sounding sigh as he walked back over, sliding off his jacket and throwing it over a nearby chair as he eased himself back on the couch.

“Thank FUCK, this shit hurts like hell, and with me that’s saying something.” He hummed.

But even good guys still get paid...

The next three months were all very, very unusual.

The first one was hard, you were wary of him, but after about two weeks he started trying to help around your apartment while you were at work.

You were very very confused, as he’d try to do the dishes, take out the trash and clean the bathroom.

No matter how much you complained about him getting up, Dabi moved as he pleased anyways. During that time, you thought maybe this is what his idea of “paying back what he owed you” meant.

After the third week, you gave up trying to tell him not to stand up, he didn’t listen anyway.

Then when month two came, he was gone every other day or so for the first week and a half. It really frightened you and made you extremely paranoid, even worse then the first month he was around.

You confronted Dabi, clearly upset at the more then likely possibility of him coming back from villainous crimes. You didn’t want to be tracked down and arrested because of this, but confronting him and expressing your distrust apparently upset him, he ended up melting the apartment’s doorknob as he stormed out.

So watch my back...

You thought he was gone for good, till about 5 days later.

He was back, and slightly tore the stitching of the wound, so he asked you to redo it.

At least he came back with a new, nearly identical doorknob to the original.

Was the tear an excuse for him to come back? It wasn’t even bleeding.

The rest of the month he barely left your apartment at all. He’d always be home when you got back from work, helping as much as he could, actually trying to make small talk, and sometimes even leaving small gifts for you in random places.

You started to realize that this big, horrifying man was a lot like some strange, stray cat you managed to get close to and now it won’t leave you alone.

You didn’t seem to mind Dabi being around, though. He more often then not would help you with chores, and his presence was actually somewhat pleasant.

Around the start of the third month, though, things got odd. He got weirdly affectionate, leaning his forehead on the back of your neck while you cooked in the kitchen, sitting oddly close to you no matter where you sat.

And keep the blade...

Dabi even got you to agree to let him sleep in the same bed.

You didn’t hate it though, and that’s what was bothering you though.

‘Is this some strange ploy? Is he using me for my money or something?’

You’d always ask yourself thing like this, but they never did add up.

Money never left your bank account, and he rarely ever took food out of your fridge unless you asked him to make dinner.

It wasn’t till about two more weeks of the increasing affection that you realized what it was.

“Y/N, would you ever consider loving a villain?” Dabi asked.

I think it got you laid...

It was a Sunday night. You were both watching the television on the right side of the couch, his arm pressed up against yours as he leaned up against you.

“Huh...? I..I don’t know...” you suddenly weren’t hungry for the popcorn in the bowl in front of you anymore.

Dabi sat up a bit, leaning forward to turn and look at you.

You couldn’t read his expression at all, but there was some sort of a look of anticipation.

“What do you mean you don’t know. It’s a yes or no question, Y/N.”

“I...I’m just not sure...” you averted your eyes, trying to focus on the TV again.

“Don’t avoid my fucking question, Y/N. You know what you would and wouldn’t do, so answer me!”

“Dabi, please—!”

Dabi grabbed you by the collar of your pajama shirt, pulling your face up to his own.

You then remembered exactly what you had been dealing the past three or so months.

This wasn’t a roommate, this wasn’t a friend or a lover.

This man is a bloodthirsty criminal, powerful and aggressive, and meant to be feared.

Your face went white and you must have shown the sudden realization, because Dabi let go of your shirt, the imprints he left smoking a bit.

He didn’t say a word, looking to your shirt where he started to burn it and then back to you.

He got up and walked out of your apartment while you said nothing. Dabi was gone.

It was lonely without him, no matter how much you tried to push him out of your mind.

Why was this man...this villain so stuck in your head?

You didn’t get it.

So fake your death...

Six months later, your watching the news. You took the week off of work and you’ve been sitting at home watching TV the whole time.

An emergency broadcast takes the screen, a hostage situation from a building on the same road home from work. A familiar face is shown, a tall man with dark hair and purple skin grafts all over his body stands at the top of a large building on fire.

You practically lunge at the remote on the coffee table, turning up the volume to hear everything perfectly as your entire focus is now on the the screen.

Dabi watches everyone around the building scream, police cars pulling up as they wait for a hero to arrive to the scene.

He seems confident, standing tall while unresponsive to any requests from the police below him.

Or it's your blame...

That is, until the building begins to crumble unexpectedly. Dabi loses his balance and falls backwards as the building caves in on itself.

You watch in horror as he seemingly panics, using his quirk wildly and burning everything around him, but accidentally engulfing himself within a ball of bright blue fire.

Somehow, the fire is out in less then an hour. All that’s left on the scene is ash and rubble, and Dabi is proposed dead, a victim to his own quirk.

And leave the lights on when you stay...

That’s it. A man who was in your life for only less then a fraction of it, a man who you managed to care so much about is suddenly just gone.

But he was a villain...

Why the hell do you feel so bad...

You end up constantly thinking about Dabi, even now, as you leave your new apartment in the town he was presumed dead.

Even now, as you call for a taxi to take you to the nearby mall to get some food.

‘Would it really have been that bad to admit to falling in love with a villain...?’

You ask yourself this a lot, trying to think if it would have been fine, or if you could have maybe even convince this villain, this man who you barely even knew if he could have stopped his evil ways.

Take off your clothes...

Maybe that was too selfish though. Though, you’re being selfish anyways.

While you’re stuck on the man, the villain, who killed so many people and how you could have possibly loved him, nobody else would bat an eye at his death nowadays.

You walked through the mall quietly, your mind clouded and busy with your lingering thoughts from over the years.

You walk over to your favorite tea stare, stepping in line and waiting to order. You can’t stop thinking about the fact that you managed to care so much about him when you only knew so little about him as well. Did he actually care for you like that?

“Sir...?”

You jump a bit, you hadn’t even realized that it was your turn to order.

“O-oh Sorry...uh, one large matcha boba please.” you mumble as you place the right amount of change on the counter and step aside.

You wait beside the front counter next to this tall man with red hair and a face mask as well as some girl with her friend who seem to be gossiping about some app.

You lose yourself in your thoughts again, but notice the barista getting a green drink ready and realize it’s probably yours.

“One large matcha boba!” She announces

“Oh that’s m..”

“That’s me—“

And dream that fame...

You and the red haired man look at each other instantly, both of your voices a bit too familiar for comfort.

And the moment that mans bright, turquoise eyes land on you, you know exactly who you have been standing next to.

How did you not notice.

“Y/N?” He asks, brows furrowed as if he’s trying to see if it’s really you.

You hesitate for a second, but quickly go to hug him.

“You asshole...I know we didn’t know eachother too well, but you can’t just love a guy and then leave to fake your death...” you mumble into his chest, quietly.

He laughs “it’s not like it’s the first time I’ve done that.”

Come on and feel that shame.

[davieslandon]

Discord Thread || Alison and Landon

Discord thread featuring: Landon & @alison-haynes

Mentions: @aaronhart93 @luca-regio @lorencourtier @theharrykingston @romanbeckett

When: 27th July

Description: Landon visits Alison to catch up and ends up being told some news. 

Trigger Warnings: angst 

Alison.

Alison didn't know what was going on in her life anymore. She had just texted Aaron, and the conversation hadn't gone well. Alison's eyes were red and puffy, and she had two suitcases by the door. Alison wasn't feeling great, it had become her normal state lately. The morning sickness was awful, but part of her felt as though -- it wasn't just morning sickness. It was sickness from all that was happening around her. Alison had every intention on driving back to Rhode Island. Everything was more peaceful there, and she could stay on her house on the beach, watching the ocean waves crash to shore. Right now, she needed to be somewhere where she could think. Think about her and Luca, her and Aaron, but most importantly, where she could protect her baby. Stressing out wasn't great for the baby, and being around either of those guys were not helping it. Alison left her penthouse, and made her way down to the lobby of her secure building, and headed towards the door that led to the garage where she stored her car -- that she barely ever used. But then she spotted, Landon talking to the building monitor. Part of her said to run, the other part of her knew she couldn't. So she went over, and let the building monitor know it was fine for him to come in. "What are you doing here?" She asked him, leaning on her suitcase slightly, and hoping that he didn't bring up how crappy she looked.

LANDON

Elle had been staying with Harry since Saturday and was set to stay with her other dad for a few more days so Landon figured it was the perfect opportunity to pay Alison a visit. They hadn’t really spoken since their conversation at the cafe where Ali had talked about her wish for another child. He wasn’t sure how helpful his advice ended up being and they were due for another catch up session. He was explaining who he was to the building monitor to be let in when he saw Alison making her way towards him with a suitcase in tow. He hadn’t known that the singer was due to leave again for work so soon and he was even more confused when he saw her puffy eyes, almost as if she was just crying. What was going on? “Hey, thought I’d pay a visit and we can spend the evening chatting”, he explained, holding up the container with two coffee cups. “Don’t worry, it’s decaf. I don’t want to make it impossible for us to sleep tonight.”

Alison.

Alison was crazy busy as it was right now, this pregnancy couldn't have come at a worse time. With the album set to release soon, it was like Alison's mind was on overload. She needed peace and quiet, and the only way she would get that would to really not be around anyone. Of course, the blonde would be around her young daughter, and who she needed to be around for work, but other than that, Alison didn't want to see many people. But, Landon -- she hadn't seen him in far too long. Things had been crazy in her life, and she hadn't reached out much, which she felt awful about. And honestly -- it was nice to see someone else other than Aaron & Luca. Alison smiled sadly, "Yeah - uh, I was heading out, but I can stay for another couple hours. I mean -- you brought coffee, so how can I say no?" She grabbed her suit case and dragged it towards the elevator, "How've you been?"28 July 2020

LANDON

“I don’t want to make you late for wherever you’re going though. We can do this another time if you want”, he offered but Alison was already making her way towards the elevator so he quickly followed her. Landon could tell that something wasn’t right but he wasn’t sure how to bring it up without being rude. Alison looked sad and he was getting the impression that she’d been crying but he couldn’t just say that. “I’ve been okay, getting a little break which I feel was well-deserved which I like.” As soon as they got off the elevator and to her penthouse, Landon sat down and handed one of the coffee cups to her. “Are you okay?”

Alison.

“Don’t worry, you won’t make me late. I don’t actually have to be anywhere until tomorrow.” She mused. When they got up to her penthouse, she left her suitcase near the door. Alison took a sip of coffee, but the second he asked if she was okay, tears came to her eyes. She hated how emotional she had been this week. She hadn’t been planning on telling anyone else she was pregnant. Not until she was through her first trimester, but now she felt like she might not have a choice. Alison let out a shaky breath, “No. I’m not okay.” She admitted. “But if I tell you why—you cant say anything. To anyone.”

LANDON

Even though Landon could tell from his friend’s behaviour that something was wrong, he still wasn’t expecting her to start crying. Whatever this is must be worse than he thought if it had Alison reacting like this. “I promise, it’ll stay between us”, and Alison should know by now that he wasn’t one to break his promises. He just hoped it was something he could help with and that it wasn’t actually as bad as it sounded.

Alison.

Alison took a seat on her couch, letting out a huge breath, to try and calm herself down. She hadn’t been planning on telling anyone else for a while, but truthfully she needed to talk to anyone who wasn’t Luca or Aaron. “I’m—Im pregnant Landon.” She said, “And I — I don’t know what’s going to happen. I don’t know—“ she cried

LANDON

Landon wasn’t sure what he was expecting but it definitely wasn’t this. The last time they talked he did suggest she could try for a baby with her new boyfriend but her reaction gave him the impression that it wasn’t something she could really consider. And yet here they were. Landon knew it couldn’t be Aaron’s as his best friend told him he said no so it made sense for him to assume it was her boyfriend’s. “Oh wow, congratulations!” he said once he wrapped his head around it, even though Alison wasn’t looking very happy right now. “Is that...I mean do you not want to be? Because I thought another kid was what you really wanted. You know, a little sibling for Des.” He got up and sat down next to her, wrapping an arm around her when he saw her crying. “Hey, hey, it’s going to be okay.”

Alison.

Alison hadn’t been thinking about having a child with Luca. It was still early on in their relationship, and Alison had wanted to focus on the relationship before focusing on a child. Alison wasn’t upset that she was pregnant, she did want another child. “No,” she sniffled, “I am thrilled to be having another baby, a little sibling for Dessy.” Which was true, she wasn’t upset with the child, she already loved that baby just as much as she loved Des, she was upset with the other adults around her. “But, I feel like I’m in the middle of a war zone with Aaron and Luca.” She said, leaning onto Landon as the tears continued to spill over her eyelids.

LANDON

Landon didn’t know much about Alison’s boyfriend, he barely even knew his name. All he knew was that their relationship was quite new and that this was her first serious relationship. He did remember her telling him that she hadn’t even slept with anyone after Aaron. That was all he knew so he was surprised to hear that apparently him and Aaron weren’t getting on so well. “Oh, so I take it they don’t like each other then?” Landon knew first hand how protective Aaron could get of the people he cared about if he didn’t like someone they were around with. So if his best friend didn’t like Alison’s boyfriend, it was bound to cause problems. “What happened?”

Alison.

Alison wasn’t sure where to even start with it. She could right out tell Landon that Luca had gone to prison and that was why Aaron disliked her boyfriend so much, but when she told Aaron Luca had been upset she shared his business. So now, she had to pick her words carefully. Alison took a deep breath, “I’m pretty sure they hate each other. Neither of them have said those words, but I can feel it.” Alison sat back up, turning to look at Landon. “Let’s just say Luca has some stuff in his past that Aaron isn’t a fan of. But —it’s his past. And he’s not looking at his past, he’s looking at his future.” Alison has a few tears slip from her eye, “I told Aaron we need to take a break. Him and I. Was that wrong of me?”

LANDON

Landon could imagine that being in a situation where your boyfriend hates the father of your child was complicated. He didn’t even want to think about what he would do if he was seeing someone and Harry hated them. Throw another baby into the mix and it was a recipe for disaster. He was quiet for a bit, thinking over his words. It was a delicate situation and he couldn’t just blurt the first thing that came to mind. It was important to thread carefully. “I’m not saying it was wrong of you. Obviously I don’t know what Aaron said and I don’t know what Luca did so I can’t comment much about the situation. I just feel like it’s a little hard to take a break from your child’s father, you know what I mean?”

Alison.

Alison took a deep breath, there was nothing easy about this situation. Alison loves Aaron, and anyone who knew the pair knew that they had a different kind of love for each other that could never be broken. Alison also loved Luca, and she was currently carrying his baby. The whole thing was complicated. “I wouldn’t take a break from him when it comes to anything regarding Dessy. More of our friendship.” She sighed, “Luca and I have been fighting a lot. But whenever we fight it is always about Aaron. And between both of them — I’m stressed out and I know it’s not good for the baby.”

LANDON

Landon knew that there was a lot about the situation that he didn’t know and so had to be careful what to say but at the same Aaron was his best friend. They were only now getting out of a rough patch after what happened with Roman but still, he didn’t know Luca at all. So it wasn’t surprising that he’d be taking Aaron’s side while at the same time knowing not to ignore Alison’s concerns. “You guys have been friends for so long...the fights with Luca must have been pretty big for you to decide to take a break”, he said. “What were the arguments concerning Aaron about though? Because I know Aaron pretty well and I don’t think he would hate someone like that for 

Alison.

The blonde hated upsetting anyone. More often than not Alison went along with what others said because she didn’t want to upset anyone. So this situation was really taking a toll on her. She looked to Landon, “Well, Luca didn’t want me to tell Aaron about the pregnancy yet.” She mentioned, “But I felt as though I had to tell Aaron? I mean this baby is going to be Des’ sibling. He deserved to know.” That was one thing she knew she had been right about in this whole situation. “And Luca is mad at me for telling him. And well— Aaron left when I was telling him. I didn’t expect him to be thrilled about the baby, but — I needed him- and he just left me.” She said, rubbing her head at the thoughts that kept running through her head. “And I needed someone to talk too, and well I talked to Luca because until now— him and Aaron were the only person eho knew about the baby. And Luca isn’t making me feel great about my friendship with Aaron. I don’t know— I need to respect both of them. And I’m at the point where I just don’t know what else to do.”

LANDON

It seemed like both guys needed to get their heads out of their asses for long enough to realise that they were upsetting the person they were so adamant they cared about. “You did the right thing telling Aaron about the pregnancy.” That was the one thing he felt he could safely comment on whatever the situation was. “Aaron isn’t just a friend, he’s your daughter’s father. If Harry was going to have a child I would want to be one of the first to know because it’s something that would affect Elle and as her father I deserve to know so I can prepare for that change.” Landon tried to ignore how sad the idea of his ex-husband having children with anyone else made him feel. “And yeah, I can see why you would be upset with Aaron. That’s a pretty shitty move.” He wished his best friend was in front of him right now so he could give him a good shake because what the fuck. “As for Luca...I don’t know him so I feel like I can’t really talk about him much but making you feel bad about your friendship with Aaron is not okay. You’re raising a daughter together and you’re lucky enough to be on good terms even if you’re not together. Destiny is getting the best upbringing because of that so I can’t see how you two being friends can be so bad.” Landon really thought about the situation Alison found herself in and really started to understand her reasoning behind needing a break. “It kind of feels like you need a break from both of them right now.”

Alison.

Right now, all Alison cared about doing was protecting the child that was growing inside of her. She knew being constantly stressed out while pregnant, wasn’t good for the baby and she just wanted to focus on what would be the best for the baby. And right now, she didn’t feel like Aaron or Luca was helping her with that. “I went against what my boyfriend asked of me. Because Aaron was the only person I wanted to tell. Because he’s always been my person, and then he just left me there, in tears. After I asked him to not leave.” She said. That had stung, to watch Aaron wall out the doors of his penthouse. “I love Des. And I love Aaron, and their both my family. I don’t think Luca understands that Aaron is my family. He isn’t just some friend.” Alison said, “I was gonna just get away from New York for a while. Probably go stay in my house in Rhode Island for a bit. I need somewhere to just clear my head and be stress free, even if it’s just for a couple of days.”

LANDON

In a way, Landon could understand why Luca was upset. Alison went against what her boyfriend asked of her but it’s not like she did it to hurt him. Anyone who knew Alison also knew how important Aaron was to her. Those two with Des were a family, even though they were never together romantically. There was still a bond between them and Luca should have known better than to underestimate it. Although both Aaron and Luca were unfair to her for putting the pressure of their dislike for each other on her. Especially since she was pregnant and they should have been helping her avoid stressful situations not cause more. “I think the both of them need some time to cool down and to understand that this isn’t about them. You’re going to have a baby so you need their support not their judgement and pointless arguing.” And Aaron was going to have some groveling to do to get back into Alison’s good books after his behaviour towards her. “That sounds like a nice plan. Although if you ever need a familiar face around, you know the spare bedroom at my house is always available for you”, he offered.

Alison.

Alison wanted to do right by both Luca and Aaron. But I’m this situation, it felt like it was impossible to do just that.  Both men were now part of her family. No matter what happened in the future, Luca & Aaron both would be a father to one of her children. “And Luca basically told me that he wants to move in together before the baby is born. So there is also that.” Alison wasn’t sure why she had said those words, but she felt like she wanted to lay everything out. Talking about it was making her feel better, just a bit. “That’s how I feel. I just want to not stress myself out or the baby. So I need them to stop stressing me out.” Alison felt like her life was spinning and she couldn’t stop it. “Thank you, Landon. I’m just gonna go to Rhode Island. I mean I just want to sit on the beach, and sink my feet in the sand. But when I do come back, I will keep that in mind.”

LANDON

“Do you want to move in together?” Landon was worried about Alison. He couldn’t help but worry that the two were going to be moving too fast because of the upcoming baby and the last thing he wanted was to see a close friend getting hurt. “Because you shouldn’t move in with him until it’s what you really want to do and you’re a 100% sure. Baby or no baby, it should be your decision.” In reality, Landon thought then not stressing her out was easier said then done. Just because she left to Rhode Island for a few days didn’t mean Alison wasn’t still going to be thinking about them and about the situation. He didn’t want to upset her even more though so Landon just nodded. “Sounds like you have it all planned out already. I really hope you’ll get to relax, at least a little.”

Alison.

“Honestly, I don’t know what I want. Everything is changing so quickly. You know Luca hasn’t even met Des yet? I’m going to have a kid with him, and he hasn’t even met my daughter. How am I expected to just move in with him?” Alison loved Luca, and she would love to live with him, but there was still too much to figure out about him before they made that decision. And the fighting, she couldn’t live with him if they were going to keep arguing, especially about Aaron. As Aaron was destiny’s father. “I mean, I still have a lot to do for work. But I just think it’ll be good to be away from the mess that is here. I love them both, but I can’t be around them right now.”

LANDON

Alison was right. Moving in with someone who hadn’t even met her daughter didn’t sound like the greatest idea. And while living separately with a baby wasn’t ideal, it could still be done. It’s what Aaron and Alison had done for all these years after all. Living with someone just for the baby was dangerous and could end in disaster. “That’s understandable. They both did something that hurt you and it’s completely understandable that you would need a break from the both of them. It could help you figure some things out.”

Alison.

Alison didn’t want to just make impulsive decisions. She knew if she made the decision this early on in the pregnancy, it would be impulse. She hoped it would be easier to make that decision later on into the pregnancy. But right now, it was too much on the blonde. Everything was too much at the moment, “That’s what I need to do. I can’t just keep doing this constant fighting with them both.” She said with a sigh, then looked at Landon, “I’m sorry, you didn’t come over here to listen to all my problems.”

LANDON

Landon wouldn’t want to be constantly stuck between two people he cared about fighting either. “Hey, don’t apologise. I came here to catch up and that’s what we’re doing. Besides, what are friends for if not to listen to each other’s problems?” he teased, trying to at least get a smile on her face. Landon picked up his coffee cup again and took a sip.

Alison.

Alison knew Landon was right. That was what friends were for, and honestly it had been nice to talk about it to someone. “Thank you Landon. It means a lot. I haven’t had anyone to talk too about all this.” She said, reaching out for her coffee cup. “Is there anything new in your life?”

LANDON

“I can imagine but now that I know what’s going on you can talk to me about it anytime. Even while you’re away, just text me. I tend to be up at all hours of the night so don’t worry about the time”, he reassured. Landon was about to say that there wasn’t really anything new in his life when he remembered that there was something quite different the last time they got to talk. “Well, you probably know this already but I’m back to being single and ready to mingle.” He tried to put it off jokingly so as to not make it too obvious that he’d been pretty broken up about it.

Alison.

"Thank you, Landon. It means a lot really. It feels nice to get it off my chest," She admitted. Alison was planning on running to Rhode Island, and sitting on the beach, with everything pent up inside, but having told Landon, did make her feel better than she had an hour prior. She had really just needed some reassurance on the situation. Her eyes raised an eyebrow, "What happened with you two?" She questioned, not meaning to push, but she was curious.

LANDON

Landon was glad that he got to help a friend out and lend an ear, especially since Alison looked like she really needed someone to talk to. He wasn’t sure how to explain the situation with Loren, mostly because he didn’t understand it himself. He still wasn’t sure how they went from dating, to being broken up, then deciding to give them another try and...back to being broken up. All in the matter of weeks. And now his ex and Jace apparently even adopted a puppy so it was serious. “I honestly don’t know. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t me trying to get out of talking about it but I’m not sure how we ended up here. We’re through though, that’s for sure.”

Alison.

It was nice to talk to Landon, even if she hadn't been planning on letting him in on her secret yet. It was supposed to be just family, but it was important that she had someone to talk too. But now, it was time to find out about Landon's life. She tilted her head, "Huh. Are you okay?" She questioned. She knew sometimes relationships just ended, but Landon looked as though he was doing well with it.

LANDON

Landon shrugged, unsure of how he should answer. He was still hurt over how things had ended between them but if this was the way things were supposed to be like then he was glad it ended when it did. At least he was spared from being hurt even more. “I am. I guess I still miss him sometimes but at least I’m at a point where I can safely say I’m better off this way.”

Alison.

Alison reached over, setting a hand on his shoulder. "It's better that it happened now instead of later, just have to remember that." Alison wasn't great at giving relationship advice, because well, she hadn't been in all that many relationships, and those she had been in, didn't work out. The one great one she was in, was falling apart currently. But, she would still make sure her friend was okay

LANDON

Landon smiled and nodded, agreeing with his friend. It still sucked that it had to happen but at least it all came to a head before he could introduce Loren to Elle. At least he didn't have to feel guilty about that. He drank the last of his coffee and got up. "I don't want to keep you from your trip to Rhodes Island, I know you must be on edge to get there. Just...text me if you need anything, okay? And don't be a stranger."

Alison.

Alison got up, giving Landon a soft smile. "Thanks, Landon. It was really nice to talk. I needed it." She admitted, as she strolled over to where her suitcases were. "And if you need anything, you can text me as well. Okay?" Alison said, leading him down to the lobby of the building. "I'll see you soon!"

[btsandvmin]

Getting it out of the way...

Okay, so here’s the thing. I get a lot of questions about other ships, mainly about Ji/kook and I just want to say that while I understand that a lot of you are curious about my opinion on them there are a few things I would like to say about the topic of other ships. 

If you don’t want to read about other ships I suggest you don’t keep on reading. I also apologize if I sound rude and that this post is a mess, but I really just wanted to answer this and get it done as I don’t really find much pleasure in it.

I want to say to you who sent these asks that I hope you don’t feel that I have anything against you, because you have said nothing wrong or offensive. You clearly like my posts and I really love you all for supporting me and liking my thoughts to much! <3

I just don’t really like talking more about other ships than Vmin. So sorry if you feel sad about my replies. I wasn’t actually sure if I should answer some of these questions at all.

However I am, but be aware that this could be difficult to read for shippers of “all sides” including Vmin shippers. It’s basically just me ranting and speculating as I share my own views.

First of for me it’s much more fun to talk about Vmin and their bond, it’s what I love and it’s the reason I made this blog. Again, not to prove what ship is real or not, but simply to talk about Vmin and what if’s based on things I notice. Also as a bit of a counter to other shippers who love to analyze but always act 100% certain of being right. I also still think that most likely BTS has non straight members but that the odds of there being an actual couple are rather small. But if there is one maknae line is definitely the most suspicious ones for various reasons.

Secondly even if another ship is real you can’t put the relationships against each other. Seeing more of one dynamic doesn’t automatically mean that the other is lesser or has been replaced. Even if two of the members are together why does that mean that they wouldn’t be close with or love another member? If that would be true it would reflect rather poorly on the members involved, basically either making them obsessive/possessive/jealous to the point where it affects their relationship with their friends. Or being neglecting towards your friend because of a romantic relationship. Maybe this could be true in the start (honeymoon phase) of a relationship but we are talking about people who know each other and has been friends for years. You really think Jimin or Tae would abandon the other to the point of not spending any time together outside of work? We know that’s not true, we know they still spend time together even if we don’t hear about it as often. I just think it’s weird to pitch the members against each other in that way, or imply that one or more of them would be insensitive enough to do this for such a long time even if someone suffers for it. Love is not a competition. Fine if it would be mutual and they wouldn’t want to spend time together, but at least we can see that Vmin clearly love each other and they still indicate often that they like spending time together. So why wouldn’t they?

Thirdly, do you even realize how much we don’t get to see? I’ve said it before but idols manage to have relationships that are completely hidden with people they can’t meet very often. If BTS has a couple within the group they surely get to spend more time together than the normal relationship even outside of what we as their fans get to see. But it’s also much more risky and easy to expose if you say or do the wrong thing. Even if fanservice is something they can hide behind partly. In this sense, even Tae/kook makes more sense with how little we get to see from them despite obviously knowing they spend time together too. Just saying that no matter how much we think we get to see, there is still a lot we don’t see. And the things we do get to see are edited and often managed by Big Hit (even though I do not think that all the staff like editors and directors etc would be aware of a relationship if is there is one).

Fourth if there is an actual homosexual couple I think it would be in both their own self-interest and from Big Hit’s perspective to not let it show, at least not too much considering how the fans really look into every single thing. I could be wrong and maybe Big Hit is planning to let Ji/kook come out or be in a glass closet, but it would likely be devastating to their careers. Just a few days ago I saw Korean netizens comment that homosexuals are basically psychopaths. It would mean that they would put being together openly above the success of the group and honestly I just personally don’t think that fits with either Jimin’s nor Jungkook’s personalities who has sacrificed a lot of other things for BTS and their fans (I know this sounds horrible, just saying it’s a huge deal). Not right now at least, when they have renewed their contracts and still has military service to go through. Engaging in “homosexual activities” during military service is even punishable by law in Korea. Of course I don’t know any of this as fact and I do think Big Hit and BTS are very forward thinking and obviously pro LGBT+, so who knows. It would also be a huge deal that would help a lot of people, but as of now I just think it’s unlikely that they would let any member come out as non straight, and even less a couple. Their general attitude towards publicly showing support has grown, but it’s still careful and they would definitely lose a lot of fans, not the least in Korea.

Fifth, the fact is that Ji/kook is getting PR from Big Hit. Most of, if not all, things that reach us be it videos, tweets or written interviews are probably looked over by Big Hit (also remember Vmin checking their answers with each other?). Especially if they have something to hide they would probably have teams that made sure things stayed hidden. I think JK even talked about how they have staff up working while they are on vlive to check reactions etc. It’s just common sense for entertainers of any kind to have their image managed by their company at least to some extent. Also, leaks by staff is how most info on idols’ private info leaks, so a thing like this would be handled very delicately if you don’t want to get exposed. The exception here would be if no one knew about this except Ji/kook basically, but then that wouldn’t explain why Big Hit helps promoting them, also if that would be the case I imagine they would rather act even more careful.

Now of course not all staff could know about them hiding such a thing and things would slip through from time to time no matter what. But you all realize that things like GCF are right there on their official channels? That Ji/kook got asked about the trip several times, and even got moved in the Harajuku sweets interview so that we would get to see the question “What do you like about Jimin?” from JK. And why does Big Hit refuse Taehyung to sing the song with Jimin, if they are okay with promoting Ji/kook in quite obvious LGBT+ ways?

I don’t deny that Ji/kook don’t spend a huge amount of time together, or that they aren’t close, because they surely are. I also don’t think promoting a ship to hide another makes sense, so it’s definitely genuine from their side. They also do have suspicious moments and likely has hidden in each other’s rooms etc. But all I can say is that IF they are together it would seem like they don’t care about being discreet at all. Jimin has even been described by JK as “shameless” and I think the word fits with Jimin’s attitude towards JK since the beginning. Personally I don’t see much of a change in Ji/kook relationship from his side at all. And that is fine, maybe they just are that open and don’t care about being careful at all… But then that begs the question “why does Jimin act careful in regards to Taehyung?" I’m not kidding when I’m saying Jimin and Taehyung acts stiff or quiet at odd times like they try to hold back things, or that they really do seem reluctant to be alone live together.

Below you can see some asks I have gotten on these topics and honestly I kinda just want to get them all out of the way at the same time, because a lot of the things are the same. Sorry if I come off as rude, but I really don’t want to talk too much about other ships, both because it’s not really in my main interest and secondly because I think everyone should ship what they like and I am not here to talk badly about any ship.

Again, don’t feel bad for sending me these asks, and I hope you don’t feel insulted by my replies. These are sensitive topics after all and this is merely how I feel about various things.

 Asks are in cursive:

sometimes i cant help but feel really weird about vmin and feel insecure ji/kook are always together on stage and off stage even in one of taes vlives he said he wanted to call jimin but hes probably with jungkook and so many other things in memories of 2018 i really love vmin but i feel so sad and can’t help but feel that they’ve grown apart and jimins replaced tae with jungkook it makes me upset to think that maybe they fought and arent together anymore :( i’m sorry for bothering u

Even if Jimin spends more time with JK than Tae we don’t see everything and we don’t know everything. But I am confident that Vmin love each other and we know they spend time together that we don’t see. I doubt Jimin would “replace” Tae with JK, and once again their love is not something we as bystanders can measure based on the amount of screen time or tweets we get to see of certain pairs.

Heelow i just wanna ask a quick question, do you watch jik analysis videos especially that one popular shipper named kook/min/world on YouTube and Tumblr her analysis are........ STRONG I've been stalking her on Tumblr and she acts like she knows things and not gonna lie some of the things she says do come true 😕 Anyways where are you we miss you soo much mommmmyyyy 😭

I have watched some, though I can’t recall exactly which ones and what they were about (watched too many random analysis videos to remember who made them). And I agree, there are some strong compelling arguments, both for ji/kook and tae/kook. But most of them are still based in sharing rooms or the GCF or “jealousy” and frankly to me that isn’t enough even if all of them are true. The step from sharing a room to being in a relationship is rather huge if you ask me. And we know idols can be careful about showing things like that even if it’s all just rumors. And again, the behavior of ji/kook just doesn’t seem to show that they are trying to be careful about anything. But that’s just me.

As for knowing things there are plenty of inside information to be found if you just dig enough. It’s difficult to know what to trust and especially shipping info is very hard to trust. There are things like sound of JK and Tae playing games and swearing out on the internet, there are alleged fake dates with women, and not the least many fans knew about the huge internal problems that BTS experienced during 2017-18. So yes, there is of course a chance that people have obtained inside information but it’s really difficult to know what to trust or not even if some things prove to be real later on.

I appreciate your opinion , coz i find it pretty logical and mature. So i have some question about ji/kook . What do you think . Why Jin asked in recent run episode to Jm and JK "Are You Guys dating ?" i also noticed that Tae at that time seemed so quite and distante .. and he didn't laugh with other memebers after that . What do you think why memebers would say such thing as "joke" and do u think it's a joke ? Also Tae's reaction intrigued me and i think didn't other members noticed that too ?

Thank you! I try, though of course it’s extremely difficult to know everything as what is logical to me might not be logical to someone else etc. Still, I’m happy to hear you say my thoughts seem logical and mature.

For me personally things like Jin asking “Are you guys dating?” is one of the biggest reasons I don’t think it’s true. It would be a huge risk and the only reason I could see anyone doing that is if they know the truth will be out soon. They’ve also said this to other members as a joke, so that’s honestly what I think it is; a joke.

Taehyung’s reaction to things like this I have noted tend to be very muted. But on the other hand he also has a neutral face that looks rather sad, meaning he could really just have no real reaction. This is a huge problem I see in analysis videos all the time, that the person analyzing doesn’t actually seem know the members enough to know them “on their own”. Like Tae having a rather “sour” looking neutral face or for example JK who has a billion nervous habits, one which is the famous “tongue” thing. Meaning you can’t automatically assume that things only has that one meaning etc.

hello I really liked everything you write about VMin, I love that relationship that I do not consider it a Shipp anymore, for me it is the purest and most real relationship that any other shipp, I wanted to ask you what do you think about the rings I mention JK in Busan? Jimin got very nervous and JK hinted that it's something between him and Jimin, why did he do that? If you say that BigHit gives you rules to not show your love or your relationship, why did you do that ?, despite that situation

Thank you so much! :) VMin truly has an amazing bond!

I have heard about the rings, though I don’t know if it was confirmed to be exactly those rings (aka wedding/engagement) but I am not sure I know what moment you are talking about with Jimin seeming nervous. I’m guessing it might be from muster, but if someone knows please let me know.

Again, I have no idea what Big Hit says or does (though we do know some things like Tae not being allowed to sing with Jimin or Docskim not being allowed to release the behind story of Lie etc) all I talk about is how I assume they would manage such a situation. But there could be many other ways I can’t even think of. Basically it’s all a guessing game, but personally I think it would be in Big Hit’s interest to not let BTS “run wild” with certain things (like the no drunk tweeting rule). Also even if Big Hit has given them rules they are still capable of breaking those rules if they choose to, though I think it would get consequences. As for the rings a lot of the members have matching jewelry or clothes, so it’s difficult to know if it means anything special.

I'm not the last anon so I don't think they're forced but in relation to change people often say it's usually late 2017—2018. Then there's its because of JK. Because apparently that's when jimin and jk noticibly started spending a lot of time together. And since jimin only has limited time to spend with others, even outside the group, that's when the questions come. For me personally I saw the change after the Malta trip.

The dates always seems to be different even from Ji/kookers, but for Vmin at least to me there seemed to be a possible change in the early 2016 when they basically stopped with their vlives and then started to look super clingy yet pushed each other away at odd times.

As for late 2017-2018 and Ji/kook I have a few things I question in regards to the actual timeline and how that would effect Vmin. First if that was when JK and Jimin actually got together doesn’t that change the whole narrative of GFC and their trip to Japan? I mean, I realize some people see it as when they “confessed” but then it seems odd they would suddenly be super open and out if their relationship was so new. The Big Hit “unicorn shoot” was also before that which means they had already started the LGBT related promotions for Ji/kook. So if Ji/kook is real I think it makes more sense that it would have been going on for longer than that. I also personally don’t think the change is completely due to ji/kook but rather a major change in Jungkook. He did not have a good year 2017 and I think Jimin being there for him was just Jimin being Jimin. I also think that when JK then started to be happier his attitude changed, he started posting on twitter after a long time, dyed his hair basically for the first time and started to be seen outside more often. Sometimes getting “dragged out” by Jimin.

But the question remains if Ji/kook got together why did it affect Vmin so much? Surely if Ji/kook has been together for a long time the other members would have known and let them spend time together of course, but why would Jimin suddenly start pushing Taehyung away just because he got a boyfriend? It doesn’t paint Ji/kook in a good light to see their relationship possibly affecting Vmin’s friendship so much. And more importantly, why would it still after years make Vmin avoid certain things and act weirdly? Jimin and Taehyung are best friends and should still be able to spend time together if they truly want to, and things they say and do indicates that they want that. So why is Vmin so much more private if there is no problem for ji/kook to be so open about spending time together? 

I don’t know, personally I still think Vmin behaves more suspicious which I think would match better with both the risk with being in a homosexual relationship as well as with their respective personalities.

hi i know you are busy and probably answer very late but I've noticed that when Jik are together they always forget about Tae there are so many moments i can't mention here i am sure you know about them but it makes me sad how they just ignore tae especially jk they all were so close before so do you think there is somethin going on between jik? I mean they go on trips jm came back from Japan on Valentine's day nd they were spotted together, maybe that's why tae also doesn't go with jm 😪🤔

Hmm, interesting because I think there are plenty of moments where Vmin end up forgetting other people when in each other’s presence as well. I can think of examples with JK as well, like in Hawaii when Vmin talked about walking together at night and JK just sits there etc. I think this is one of those things that might just be shippers pointing out and over analyzing something that happens with more members than just their ship. Also Tae tends to space out, so that could be another reason. I would have to look at each moment to give a proper opinion.

I suppose if Tae perhaps really liked Jimin and got his heart broken as Ji/kook got together it could mean that Tae would like to distance himself. But there are too many other things that goes against this and I think it would be way more noticeable, not to mention probably show a huge change in physical behavior between them so it seems unlikely. I don’t see any reason for Tae to push away the person he calls his best friend just because he would be in a relationship. I also don’t see why Vmin wouldn’t just be able to continue being best friends even if one of them had a relationship someone.

I love your analyses , coz you're always puts everything so logically . Bdw what do you think of that famous jikook trip together ?? It's still intrigued me why Vmin always wants and say out loud that they want to travel together just Only two of them , and they even made a promise of that ,but then suddenly JM goes w JK (and they likes to talk about that trip a lot) , and i still can't get why Tae coudn't be there too and what stopped them to made their wishful promise ??

Taehyung was actually in Japan at the same time… Which is interesting. But he was spending time with his family. I do agree it’s weird Vmin has never acted on going somewhere together despite having claimed to want to several times, but either we just haven’t seen it or they simply prioritize other things above it. I don’t think it’s anything weird if that’s the case. I also don’t think Ji/kook going on a trip automatically makes them real, not even if Jimin was out with JK (and other friends) on Valentines day.

It’s funny because Ji/kookers stalked them to find which hotel room they stayed in and got all crazy about the bath being see-through, as if not all the members have likely seen each other naked for years. But yeah, when you only see your own ship I guess it doesn’t mean anything that others has done it before. Remember Vmin on Valentines 2014?

Sorry for sounding bitter and negative, but it’s just not that fun for me to talk about this. I am aware of the other ships and how many odd things there are to find, but I will still stand by and ship Vmin. As I’ve said before they have plenty of odd things too, which means most of the ships probably cancel each other out and aren’t real. Shipping Vmin romantically is what I love and prefer and if anyone says Vmin don’t love each other they are clearly lying. I can support Vmin as best friends just as much as lovers or soulmates. To me what matters is that the members are happy and if another ship being real means happiness for the members then that’s fine by me. I will support BTS and the members no matter what, but as of now we still don’t know anything and I am not convinced of any ship.

Sorry again, I hope I haven’t offended one. But honestly being sad because you possibly might be wrong about a ship doesn’t change the fact that all of BTS love each other no matter what.

Thanks if you managed to read this and still wants to follow me. I really appreciate you all a lot. <3

[crystalninjaphoenix]

One Short Day

A JSE Fanfic

Yay, I wrote something that isn’t connected to pain for once in my life! Or at least, the most you get are hints and maybe a moment. I was planning on working on something else, but...I don’t know, I just felt like I needed something softer, and I’m sure there are people who need that too. So behold, an attempt at mostly-fluff! I just wanted to write the boys having fun out on the town, simple enough ^-^

It was rare that there was a full day they could all be together. A day where Schneep wasn’t working, Chase wasn’t recording, Marvin didn’t have a show, and Jackie didn’t have to bolt off at the last minute to do heroic vigilantism. A day where they could just do whatever they wanted, all of them, together.

They met up at Jackie’s apartment building. Naturally, JJ arrived first, then Schneep and Chase at about the same time. Just when they were starting to get worried, Marvin showed up, sprinting up to the group and skidding to a halt beside them.

“Late again, I see?” Jackie said when Marvin finally caught his breath. “Maybe we should just tell you we’re meeting thirty minutes earlier than we actually are.”

“Gimme a break.” Marvin rolled his eyes. “My phone was out of battery so I couldn’t check the time, then I got distracted.”

Jackie raised an eyebrow. “With what?”

“Um...” Marvin looked away, embarrassed. “I may have started playing Plague Inc...for an hour...or more.”

“Dude. Set a timer next time or something,” Chase said. “Ask JJ if you can borrow one of his watches if you have to, I dunno, anything.”

“Enough of this, we are wasting minutes,” Schneep said, checking his own watch. “Jackie decided what to do, what is it?”

Jackie immediately brightened. “Okay, so, we all know JJ hasn’t seen much of the town.” Everyone nodded. “So I thought we could give him the grand tour! Get lunch, go to the park, and I think the fair is open tonight so we can finish with that. That good with everyone?”

“So we’re just gonna walk all over town?” Chase asked. “Only two of us can drive, and none of us have a car right now.”

“Toughen up, Chase, walking’s good for you!” Marvin teased. “Right? Schneep, you’re a doctor, tell him I’m right.”

“He’s right,” Schneep said.

“See?!”

JJ snapped his fingers for attention. I thought we were wasting time? I certainly can’t lead the way, so I’ll ask one of you to.

“Right!” Jackie started off. “C’mon guys, lunch is waiting for us!”

They ended up at a local restaurant near the center of town called Kassie’s. It was a quaint little place, and since it was a warm day they decided to sit at a table outside. The chipper waitress gave them a plate of free fries, then took their order, and headed back inside.

“Is it just me, or is it kind of hot today?” Chase asked, fanning himself with some of the napkins.

“No, it’s not just you. God, I’m dying,” Jackie agreed.

“Jackie, you are not only wearing long sleeves, you are wearing two layers of them,” Schneep pointed out with a smile.

“Oh, you’re one to talk, Mr. Sweater-all-the-time!” Jackie rolled his eyes. “What about Jays? He’s got that vest/dress shirt on.”

JJ looked aghast. You four can run around and show your arms all you like, but I’ll have you know it isn’t proper for a gentleman!

“Are you implying we aren’t gentlemen?” Marvin asked, right before tossing a fry into the air and catching it in his mouth.

JJ raised an eyebrow. Indeed.

“I don’t care, it’s hot. I’m taking this off.” With a few flailing arms, Jackie pulled his hoodie over his head and tugged it off, revealing a Marvel-themed T-shirt underneath. “Ah. That’s better.” He looked around to see the others staring at him with wide eyes. “What?”

“Holy shit, Jackie!” Chase yelled. “Your arm!”

“Wh—oh fuck I forgot I was wearing short sleeves today.” Jackie looked down at his left arm. “Yeah, okay, I got scars, you can look all you want.”

“So that’s why I’ve never seen you in T-shirts,” Marvin realized. “Jackie, what the fuck happened?”

Jackie frowned, then coughed awkwardly. “Y’know...I’d rather not talk about it right now. Maybe later. Besides, Schneep already knows the story. ‘S how we met.”

“Honestly, you three are making mountains out of mole hills,” Schneep said. “Is fine now. You should see his torso, now those are scars.”

That only made the other three look more worried. Jackie sighed. “Look, guys, we’re having a fun day. We’re gonna have fun, and not gonna get all concerned, though I do appreciate it. And you—” he glared at Schneep “—need to stop saying that, ‘cause it makes it sound like I lost some epic battle instead of just having top surgery.”

Chase and Marvin relaxed in unison. “I’m still convinced you have, I dunno, fucking bullet scars or something,” Marvin muttered as Chase pulled the remains of the fries towards him.

“Oh yeah, but Schneep’s talking about the surgery. He’s done this before, and it’s no longer funny!” Jackie looked pointedly at Schneep when saying that last part, who just responded with a massive grin.

JJ was the only one who still looked concerned, but now that was paired with confusion. He looked around at the others. What is top surgery?

You could almost hear the hiss as the others all inhaled sharply in unison. They’d all forgotten for a moment that JJ didn’t know. Schneep cleared his throat. “Jackie, would you like to explain?”

“Right yeah. God, where do I start with this?” There was a slight pause in the conversation as the waitress returned with their food. The moment she was out of earshot, Jackie started up again. “Alright, so...” he leaned forward, hands clasped together, eyes wide and nervous. “You know how I call myself Jackieboy Man, right?”

JJ nodded. A moniker I never understood, but yes.

“Well, I didn’t always call myself that. Neither did anyone else. Because, well, they all thought that...I was a, uh, girl. Even I did. For the longest time I just sort of...accepted it. I only started to figure it out in high school. I got my first job, and one of the customers called me ‘that nice lady,’ and hearing it...just sort of surprised me. Like someone gave the wrong answer to a really easy test question. So...I started thinking, and eventually I realized that I wasn’t...actually a girl. That was when I renamed myself.”

JJ didn’t look any less confused. Why would they not understand that? Wouldn’t they be able to...see that you are not?

Jackie winced. “Well, no...you see, I...fuck.” Jackie put his head in his hands, took a deep breath, then looked up again. “I was born...in the wrong body. Top surgery is...it’s to get rid of the parts I didn’t want. Are you...are you getting this now?”

After a moment, JJ’s eyes widened. He nodded hesitantly.

“Okay. Good. Great.” Jackie sighed. “I don’t know if this word existed in the twenties, but nowadays we have ‘transgender’ as...a thing. When someone is something other than what their body is born as. I’m still a he. Or, just, anything but she, really. Literally call me anything but a girl. And please, don’t ask about what my name was before. Or what’s...down there. Those questions make me...really uncomfortable.”

My good man! JJ signed. Why would I do such a rude thing? And to my dear friend, nonetheless. 

Jackie’s shoulders slumped. He leaned back in his chair and exhaled in relief. He’d been dreading this conversation, but better to rip the bandaid off now. “Thanks, man. I...appreciate your understanding.”

JJ smiled. No trouble at all, Jackie! I may not fully grasp the concept, but that’s no reason to disrespect your wishes.

“If you want, I can answer questions. Just...later. And as long as you get I don’t represent everyone who’s trans.”

JJ nodded and gave a thumbs-up. There was silence for a moment, before Chase broke it by saying “Hey, guys, I made a Jenga tower out of fries.”

Schneep rolled his eyes, and immediately knocked over Chase’s tower.

“Aw you bitch!” Chase gasped. “You didn’t even play the game right!”

“Fuck your games. Actually eat the food like it’s supposed to be.”

“You’re just jealous cause you got a salad instead.”

“Maybe I am! Did you think of that?!”

“Dude, I just said I did!”

The rest of lunch was covered in the blanket of familiar banter. Jackie smiled to himself. God, he was so glad nothing changed.

About two hours later, the boys had made their way to the southern part of the city. That was where the park was. It had an official name, but everyone just called it “the park” because there was only one of them and it was shorter. The park itself was pretty big, with trees, paths, flowerbeds, and two playgrounds at either end.

Since it was the middle of the afternoon, there were quite a few families with young children hanging around, parents watching their kids climb all over the jungle gyms and pushing them on the swings. While Marvin and Jackie walked ahead, pulling JJ with them and talking his ears off, Chase and Schneep hung back a bit. Chase was staring at the families on the playground.

“Chase? Are you okay?” Schneep asked gently. 

“Yeah...yeah, I’m fine. It’s not a down day.” Schneep gave him a Look. “No, really! It’s just...y’know, seeing all the kids kinda bums me out. You know?”

“Of course I do, Chase,” Schneep said. He was probably the only one of the boys who did. “If you are feeling upset, you can go home.”

“No! God, no, that’s not what I meant at all. This has been good so far. I don’t want it to end.” Chase frowned. “Now I’m just...man. I’m starting to lose it.”

“Chase.” Schneep grabbed his hand. “If you are not enjoying yourself, we can always go do something more quiet. We would hate to push you to do something you are not up to.”

Chase considered it for a moment, then shook his head. “Nah, it’s not too bad. It helps that you guys are here, I think. But I’ll let you know...if it gets too much.”

Schneep gave him a long look, before finally judging that everything was alright. “Okay. You have to do that, or I am going to break into your home at night and yell at you for lying.”

“Okay, okay, I get the idea,” Chase laughed. He looked down at their clasped hands. “You’re not worried people are gonna think we’re a couple, then?”

“What? Oh. Is there no such thing as regular hand-holding in this country?! Besides, it should not fucking matter. Also you are not my type anyway.”

“Yeah, you’re not mine, either. You’re a guy.” Chase and Schneep both had a good laugh at that.

Marvin looked over his shoulder at the two of them. “Are you two gonna walk fast or what?”

“Or what,” Chase said with a smirk.

“Oh, you’re hilarious. A fucking comedic genius. Hey guys!” he said that last part to Jackie and JJ. “We’re gonna slow down so these two assholes can join us.”

“Marvin, how dare you,” Schneep said, mock-offended. “At least be more creative in your insulting us.”

“No.” The two mini-groups merged together to form the main group once again. “So what’re you two talking about?”

“Chase is worried that hand-holding makes a couple,” Schneep tattled.

“Bullshit,” Marvin stated. Jackie went “yeah!” in the background. JJ frowned at the use of language, but nodded. “What makes a couple is the kissing. And romantic interest in each other, which leads to the former.”

“You say, having not been on a date in at least five months,” Jackie muttered.

“Shut your stupid face, you...lovely person.” Marvin pulled his wand out of his pocket and twirled it, like he did when he was nervous. “We’ve all been kinda busy lately.”

“Yeah...that’s true,” Jackie sighed. “But maybe if you went out more, you could find someone you could go out with. Just once, if a commitment isn’t your thing right now.”

Marvin frowned. “Why in the wide world of wingmen would I go on a date once deliberately?”

“A night of fun?” Schneep suggested.

“With a complete stranger that I have no interest in? No. I need to have some intrigue in whoever they end up being.”

“None of you are gonna get anywhere with him,” Chase said. “He doesn’t get one-night stands.”

“Damn right I don’t! There’s no point!”

And it just seems improper, JJ signed. If you aren’t going to court someone, don’t approach them at all.

“Marvin! You have an ally!” Jackie gasped. 

“Good. Finally, someone who agrees with me.” Marvin held up his hand and, after a moment of figuring out, JJ high-fived it. “Yeah! There we go, you got it!”

Jackie checked the time on his phone. “Alright, it’s starting to get a bit late. If we want to get enough time at the fair, we’re gonna have to book it to the eastern side.”

They didn’t actually run the whole way there, despite Jackie wanting to. By the time they got to the fair the sun was starting to set. They bought tickets and headed inside, where the Ferris wheel and the roller coaster towered over the smaller rides and the carnival games. It was a weekday, but it was one of the first days the fair was open, so the fairgrounds were crowded but not packed.

Chase gasped. “Games. We can do the games first.”

You do realized they’re all rigged, right? JJ asked.

“Who cares? They’re fun! Games now.”

Soon, the others started to suspect that the reason Chase was so eager to play games was because he knew he would win every time. The dude was scarily good. A combination of sheer luck, skill, and fuck-it-let’s-take-a-chance-ness led to many more victories than the others, something Marvin and Schneep immediately called him out for.

“You are cheating, I am sure of it!” Schneep huffed, folding his arms.

“Nah, just have a knack for it. And, in this case, practice.” Chase tossed one of the wooden balls back and forth while he waited for the carnival worker to hand him his prize. “Ya gotta aim for a bit above the spot where the third jug sits on top of the other two, then throw hard. It’s a bit of an arc.”

“No, you’re a cheater,” Marvin asserted, muttering darkly.

“Aw, c’mon! Here, will this make you less salty?” Chase accepted his stuffed prize from the worker, then handed it right over to Marvin. “I got it for you! You like cats.”

Marvin glared down at the plushie. “You’re lucky it has a cute face,” he said.

“See?!” Chase smiled. He was actually having a good time. It was a good change of pace from the park.

Eventually, everyone had a prize except for JJ. They were running out of games to play, but then Jackie spotted one of those ‘find the ball under the shuffling cups.’ “Hey guys, you up for that one?”

JJ brightened. I’m actually quite skilled at those!

“Well, then, let’s go!” Jackie pulled him over, the others in tow.

The carnival worker was calling out the rules of the game. “You get one, you win one of these lovely roses, you get two in a row, you win one of these tiny fellows here, and you get three in a row, you win one of these adorable penguins! Step right up, step right up!”

“Hey!” Jackie waved to get the worker’s attention. “We want to play!”

“Well then, young sirs, the rules are simple. Keep your eye on the ball, see right here, right here, it’s under the middle cup. Now watch as I take the cup this way, then that, then this and oh look at that! It’s goin’ fast, it’s goin’ fast don’t lose it don’t lose it! Now, which one is the ball under?”

Jackie was fairly sure he knew where it was, but he turned to JJ anyway. “So, which one?” he asked.

JJ bit his lip, then reached forward to point at one of the cups...only for the worker to slap his hand away. “I’m sorry sir, please don’t touch the cups. To prevent tamperin’, see? Just tell me.”

JJ looked a bit stunned at the worker’s aggressive tone. But he signed It’s under the left one.

“Excuse me?”

“He says it’s under the left one,” Marvin jumped in.

“...ah, I see.” The worker lifted up the cup to reveal the ball. “Seems you were right. Do you want to try again?”

The boys glanced uneasily between each other. The worker’s tone had dropped from the polite-carnival talk to one that was a bit...short. She was also talking much slower than she was before, drawing out the vowel sounds. “He can hear you perfectly fine,” Chase said. “He just can’t talk.”

“Mmm...I see...” The worker pursed her lips. “Do you want to try again?”

They all nodded. The worker was silent this time as she shuffled the cups, faster than before. When she stopped, she looked at Jackie. “Which one is the ball under?”

Jackie had a vague idea where, but he wasn’t sure. “JJ, do you know?”

The left one again, JJ signed, less enthusiastically.

“The left,” Jackie translated.

The worker frowned as she revealed the ball under the left cup. “You boys aren’t cheating, are you? Those weird gestures seem like symbols.”

Marvin laughed bitterly. “Yeah, they’re symbols alright. They stand for words. Do you not know how sign language fucking works? He’s telling us the answers ‘cause he’s the best one at it. Now let’s do this one more time.”

The worker shuffled the cups impossibly fast. Once more, she asked Jackie where the ball was. This time, he had no idea, and just looked at JJ. JJ, in turn, stiffened a bit, eyes hardening. It’s under the right one, though I wouldn’t put it past her to sneak it up her sleeve.

“Right,” all the boys said in unison.

The worker reluctantly lifted up the rightmost cup to show the ball sitting underneath. “Congratulations,” she said dully. “You win one of the big prizes. What color do you want?”

Turquoise, JJ signed. “Turquoise,” Jackie translated.

They walked away from the booth in silence. After a few moments of walking, Marvin said, “I could totally put a curse on her.”

“No,” Jackie said firmly.

“Just one little spell. She can lose her voice for a week.”

JJ shook his head, then tucked his prize under his arm so he could use his hands to sign. Revenge is never the best answer. 

“It’s what she deserves!” Marvin snarled. “She was making that difficult on purpose. I saw her, she was going much slower with the customers before us. JJ, I’m so absolutely sorry on her behalf, cause god knows she’s not gonna fucking apologize.”

It’s okay, JJ insisted. Believe it or not, I’ve faced worse, especially in my day. They were much less friendly back then.

“I am sure you are not using that word in the correct meaning,” Schneep mumbled.

Marvin shoved his hand into the pocket containing his wand. “One hex. Come on. Just one. I won’t even make her ears fall off or anything.”

Everyone refused to let Marvin curse the carnival worker, and he reluctantly relented. At this point, they’d finished with the games, and all that was left were the rides. They took turns, one or two of them sitting out to watch the accumulated prizes while the others spun and flew and then stumbled off the rides. After trying most of the rides out, they took a snack break for ice cream and cotton candy.

“I think the Ferris wheel is the only one left,” Jackie said. “Unless we want to catch that sideshow thing. There’s supposed to be magicians—”

“Fake,” Marvin interrupted.

“—clowns, animals, and they advertised a knife-thrower—”

Schneep nearly choked on his ice cream. “No.”

“Okay, got it. No show then.” Jackie nodded. “But I’m not too sure about the Ferris wheel. I know at least one of us is afraid of heights.”

“Yeah, uh, me.” Chase bit his lip. “But I think I’ll be fine if I don’t look over the edge. Unless someone else doesn’t want to go on it, then I’ll stay off with them.”

“I’m good,” Jackie said. “Schneep? Marv? Either of you scared of heights?” Both of them shook their heads. “Alright. JJ?”

JJ signed, A bit, but after all these dizzy rides, I’ll take something calm like the Ferris wheel, if you please.

“Alright. Guess we’re going on the wheel, then!”

Night had truly fallen by this point. The Ferris wheel wasn’t exceptionally tall, but it still rose above everything else in the fair, providing a fantastic view of the colored lights below. Instead of having the traditional two-person seats, this wheel had booths that could fit up to eight people, so all the boys fit into one just fine. The wheel turned, and the booth turned with it. Chase squirmed, resolutely not looking over the side. Jackie and Marvin did the exact opposite, practically leaning out of the booth to look down below.

JJ tapped Schneep, signing something real quick. Schneep nodded, then yelled “Can you two stop that?! You are going to fall out of the fucking side, and you are making Jamie nervous.”

“Oh, sorry.” Jackie sat back down.

“Aww,” Marvin groaned, but pulled back into his seat. “I hope you know I do this for you, JJ.”

JJ smiled. Thank you, it’s appreciated. And I’m sure your body feels the same way, having narrowly avoided a fall to great injury.

“Nah, I would’ve been fine.”

The wheel stopped. Their booth was right at the top. “Oh, fuck,” Chase muttered, covering his eyes with his hands.

“You know, you didn’t have to come,” Jackie said quietly. “We would’ve been alright letting you stay down on the ground.”

Chase peeked between his hands. “I know. But...it’s really nice up here. Quiet. And with just you guys. As long as I ignore the distance from the ground, I’m good. You’re my friends, you know, and you make everything better.”

“Oh, Chase,” Marvin gasped. “That’s...really sweet!”

“What? Didn’t think we where friends?”

“It’s...always nice to be reminded.” Marvin smiled softly.

Well then consider this your reminder, Marvin! JJ wiggled his mustache happily. I consider you all my friends, maybe even family. You are all wonderful people and I love having you in my life!

“Nooo, stop.” It was hard to see in the dark, only lit up by the lightbulbs on the Ferris wheel, but it was possible that Marvin was actually blushing.

“You know what? I love you guys.” Jackie grinned. “Not afraid to admit it! Best friends I’ve ever had.”

Schneep cleared his throat. “Yes, I feel the same. You are all great people, and I am fortunate to have met you. I...love you as well.”

“Aaaahck!” Marvin appeared to be trying to fold into himself. “Too much love! Fatality!”

Chase chuckled. “Marvin! Accept our love!”

We love you, Marvin! JJ signed eagerly. Now you have to say it back!

Marvin made a strange sort of groaning exhale before inhaling deeply, calming down. “Yeah...I—I love you guys too. God, I love you guys so much. You should all know that.”

“There we go!” Jackie said, triumphant. “Marvin, you are, truly, the emotionally constipated one. And I thought Schneep was the worst.”

“Excuse me?!” Schneep gasped. “I assure you I am very love-sharing. I just do not use words too much because they are complicated.”

“Understandable,” Chase shrugged. “I can barely speak half the time, and I was born in English.”

I thought you were born in Ireland, JJ signed, amused.

“Oh, you know what I mean!”

The Ferris wheel started lowering, stopping and starting as it let passengers off. The boys stepped out of the booth and onto land once again.

JJ yawned. I must say that I’m rather tired after all this. I think it’s time we go home.

“Yeah, I’m starting to feel it,” Jackie agreed.

“You all are weak!” Marvin countered. “I’m good for another couple hours.”

“Watch you crash immediately upon entering your room,” Chase laughed.

“Oh, shut up.”

“I think JJ is right,” Jackie said. “It’s time to go home.”

Schneep nodded. “Yes, I could stay up longer, but I have morning shift tomorrow so I should not push my luck. I will see you all later?”

“Oh yeah.”

“Course, dude!”

“Definitely.”

Count on it!

With that, they left the fair. Eventually they split up, each heading their own separate ways until they eventually got to wherever they were staying that night. Some went to sleep immediately, some stayed up a bit later, but eventually they all went to bed.

And when they decided to do it, none of them had trouble for once.

[smol-lonely-bean]

Right now im typing after just crying my eyes dry. my cheeks are soaked with tears and my head is killing me. why im like this is because my parents just showed me an article on Gen Z written by a 40 year old white (probably straight) man.

as soon as they said his age i knew that the article would be very wrong, and i said as much, my parents kept saying that i should read it and that it was interesting and that id be surprised how acurate it was. that it explained how our generation was very opinonitive but didnt like hearing others opinions, that we were super sensitive. my parents said that this was true. when i argued that the reason why we were sensitive and didnt like hearing others opinions was because they always were judgemental against us and that things have changed.

my parents said “case in point” because i was getting offened over this.

my sISTER A FELLOW GEN Z SAID “CASE IN POINT” because she defineately isnt like this and that she was against our parents she was agreeing with them.

i took the article and started to read it, as soon as i sat down behind the couch i let out the tears that i was holding back. and you have no idea how much it got worse when i started to read.

the first paragraph literaly said that we would call the fucking police if there was a mouse in our house first that is incredibly rude and that why the actual fuck would we call the fucking police about a mouse? they have better things to be doing and its just a fucking mouse, also remember fucking anxiety to.

my mum came and i told her that i wouldnt call the police over this, and she was like “i know that you wont” 

more things envoled that all we cared about was likes on social media and so on so forth, that our generation had super high suicide rates and depersion and stuff (which is true) but it never mentioned that it was school that was the problem, in fact, it stated that it was bad that we were getting upset about school. the fuck.

one true thing that it said (one of the only true things that i could find that related to my knowledge of gen z) was that we were hugely against race, gender and sexuality discrimination.

the entire article was a fucking mess. it started with people saying how messed up our generation was blah blah blah, that we were dangerous to younger people because apartenly its our fault that anxiety is so fucking everywhere. and then it would end with saying that we needed help, that they agreed with us. what the fuck? that just makes you sound even worse, it doesnt tie any cape to your shoulders.

when i went back into the kitchen, i confronted my parents about this (something i very rarely do because i actually care about their feelings and dont want to offend them) they started saying that this was only one persons opinion, that i wasnt messed up, that the article was wrong etc. when 10-20 mins earlier they were agreeing with it. they had suddenly changed their opinions on the topic because i was crying, they were saying that it didnt relate to me, which sounded to me like they thought i was ok but not everyone else.

every time i tried to debate this my parents shut me down before i could get any further.

when i asked my sister why she was defending them she said that it was good to actually listen to people. but i will only listen to people when they start listening to us.

i have been told multiple times in the last half hour to “let it go”

i cant fucking let this go.

i felt this on a personal level because i take in everyones emotions to account, i saw behavour similar to my parents in this article, i am messed up.

this artcile could also be seen to account for millenials.

i do want to state that i do care about my parents and i wouldnt normally say things like this to other people but i thought that it affected others and i want people to know. despite caring for my parents i do not massively rely on them (the article stated that we did, that we would be lost without them)

i want to also say that this is based off of my opinion, that i may have misread somethings and i did write some things down differently to how they had been said because that was how i saw them.

this was just very difficult for me to read and hear about...

im really sorry if i got things wrong and if i offend people this is just what i thought.

here is the article of question if you would like to read it and gather your own opinion

[ill-be-istj-if-no-one-else-is]

1/ti/fi anon, thanks for ur reply. to clarify on 1+6, by smoothing things i mean making an active effort to resolve matters by saying sthing that is opposite of what i think is true, which i wont do. but i am fine not saying anything so as not to create or exacerbate a conflict. to illustrate, recently a friend vented at me+my isfj friend about someone she was mad at. from her words it was obvious she was misunderstanding the other person. i didnt point it out right then bc she would feel worse.

2/but tho i knew she wanted to have someone be mad with her/validate her feelings, i couldnt bring myself to dogpile on the other person when he’d done nothing wrong (which she realized few days later). so i said something neutral/noncommital like “im sorry ur having a hard day” technically true and i took care of her chores instead to help but withheld the entirety of my opinion. like i wont actively contradict if the situation calls, but i disengage/deflect instead of saying what isnt right.

3/my isfj friend joined her in anger tho she later told me she had no strong feelings but the other person was a stranger so he didnt matter, her priority was supporting her friend. i dont think shes wrong, and this was a very minor matter in the grand scheme. but even if im never going to meet this person it feels unfair to him and i cant help but wonder, if my friend had felt validated enough to take the argument with him further it would have caused needless strife.

4/re: se, i did consider it, worrying about potential bias in my typing. i test as INxP, but i know its bc i answer “yes” to qs on whether other peoples feelings matter and ofc u cant be a thinker unless ur a misanthropic edgelord. i ruled out judging; while im organised at work, i struggle with decisions and detest planning in advance. my first q was whether the N typing was right. i like adventure sports tho my lifestyle is sedentary. i love tinkering with things to see how they work #TOOLS.

5/but ur old post that resonated was how often im frustrated with the real world for not living upto the conceptual world in my head. my awareness of the physical world is poor for high se (i get lost easily). i crave novelty, but im among the “travels the world but only eats chicken tenders” people. im not sure i understand ur first statement, could u explain it a bit more? to clarify on my end, i know there are things people wont indicate, but i consider that not my business, even if im aware.

6/as they have a reason for not telling me. so i operate based on what they have said, rather than what i know. because of this, i give a lot of weight to words, both my own and others. i agree no one has intrinsic understanding of other people’s minds, incl. high fe. if anything, i find high fe can be bad at this on an interpersonal level as they impose generalizations on people whose needs differ but are bizarrely confident they can “read” people even with said person tells them otherwise.7/re: #8, by social world, i was referring moreso to rules of social convention/appropriateness, which fe users have a knack for (or perhaps define?). they comment on innocuous behaviour (not overt rudeness, things like not greeting every person as they walk into the office) as violating a norm i never picked on and it makes me second guess myself since i never thought of those things. surely everyone has some self doubt, but the frequency of this happening to me made it notable to mention.

——-

Okay, going through this:

1-2: that clarification is helpful. That can just be decent maturity in most types (though as you mentioned FJs tend to side with the friend) - few people are going to full-on throw someone under the bus just to make someone else happy, so the smoothing over, especially if the person who’s upset is someone you like, is often just a neutral statement or “that sounds frustrating.” The just giving in is something I at least use for people I don’t actually respect much and for situations where I don’t think a strong stance will help. Kind of a “don’t get in a mud fight with a pig, you’ll both get dirty and the pig will like it” situation. If it’s a friend who’s actually upset, even if I think they’re wrong, I think most people who aren’t assholes will try to remain neutral or focus on comforting the friend but not arguing until a later time. So…doesn’t really indicate anything other than you’re reasonably mature as a person and probably not an FJ.

I do think Se makes a lot of sense. I don’t know what old post it was but if it was pretty old, disregard it. We’re all capable of idealism - I’m confident that I’m a sensor and I get frustrated with the world sometimes. (I also have garbage spatial intelligence, though weirdly a good sense of direction). I think a current issue now that “intuition is psychic” is no longer as much of a thing is that people think they need to be absolutely flawless in their sensory understanding to be a sensor when it’s really a preference for the concrete. Also, the picky eating is not exclusive to Ne users - that’s one of the many statements that’s true about a lot of Ne users but isn’t really evidence for Ne on its own. My ISTP sister is one of the pickiest eaters I know, my ISFP sister is pretty adventurous. Food especially is weird and influenced by a lot of other things. But getting back to Se, the thought process of “they didn’t tell me, they must have a reason, let’s take them at their word” is more sensor. It’s not that sensors aren’t capable of realizing they might not have the whole picture; it’s that they aren’t going to look for the deeper meaning if there’s not a really good reason, whereas intuitives might look for the deeper meaning even if there isn’t one at all.

You are right about Fe (I find that high Fe users, and especially NFJs, are the worst offenders in imposing a generalized view of how people should be responding) but I think we’re sold that you’re not a high Fe user. The description of not feeling like you know how to interact with people does seem more like that of a thinker. While it’s tough to be positive on Ti/Fi at times, I’d seriously look at ISTP. You sound more like ISTPs I’ve met (than either INTPs or ISFPs), which I get isn’t super helpful but it’s what I’ve got. I’d also look at enneagram 9, which might be influencing the desire to just stay neutral and not instigate disagreement (and is pretty common in both ISTPs and ISFPs but I find more so in ISTPs. ISFPs have somewhat less chill in my experience.)

[unproduciblesmackdown]

Hi!! So this is an honest question so i hope it doesnt come off as rude or anything- but doesn't the thought that everything you post here can be reblogged make you more reserved or anything? Idk how to explain it but whenever i wanna post something here i think about doing it for a super long time to be sure i want it to possibly be on the internet forever- but i see you're comfortable with sharing pretty personal stuff so i was just wondering if it affected you any way or maybe it was just me?

lmaooo it’s cool!!! there’s an unending AMA going on here and off the top of my head i can’t think of anything off-limits to ask about

it’s definitely not just you!! out of the ppl i know off the top of my head i’m probably really far and away doing the Most airing my bullshit. if you ultimately don’t like the idea of stuff just kinda sitting around to be seen by Anyone, that’s valid and there’s no problem with feeling like that makes you wanna Not Post some stuff

like this is especially true for young teens on the soche media…hell i just entirely threw out the blog i’d had from like 14 -18, and not because i was particularly embarrassed or anything, it just felt mostly obsolete. you can become someone so different in even one year and that’s fine and you might not want Old Venting and the like just sitting around out there. it’s definitely okay to be real private about that kinda stuff

i know sometimes ppl having sorta Compromises where maybe they’ll create a second blog / account specifically for talking abt personal stuff, and then only maybe allow friends (or nobody) to access it; or people will just tag everything with Delete Later and then go back and delete it later so it’s not out there forever, or just because they find it embarrassing soon afterwards lol

for my part, there’s definitely multiple reasons i pretty much don’t care

1. i never used to Vent post back in the early days. but one of my earliest examples maybe was this sudden essay i dumped on my blog when i was 16? 17? abt how unhappy i was at home. it took me till i was 18 to really start to realize that what i’d always lived with was literally abuse, and it was things like The Sudden Venting Essay that really helped me put it all into words and be able to organize my thoughts enough to write about it and realize that there was a lottttt of shit i was rly miserable about2. ever since then really i’ve found that when i write about something, whether messaging it to someone or just posting it in general, a ton of times it helps me kinda make connections or figure something out or just feel like i have a better grasp on an idea.3. even after i started maybe doing the occasional venting post, for a long time i was really hesitant about it, but this was mostly b/c i felt like i didn’t have ~real~ enough problems and/or nobody would really care. as for the former, well yesterday i was saying how i still have this underlying feeling that i’m an imposter / don’t count / not REALLY as ___ as other people or whatever, so i’m still working on that, but it definitely doesn’t upset me as much as it might back in the day. re: the latter—tbh i dont care if nobody cares. i write abt personal shit b/c i care. my entire blog is About and Because i care, and if other people care, great, if they don’t, ok.4. a lot of this is about having compassion for myself. i don’t look down on other people for making personal posts, so i don’t look down on myself, either. 5. more self-compassion: there’s probably olden text posts from the early days of this blog that don’t even sound like me coz my Outer Demeanor has changed a lot these past 5 or 2 or 1 yrs. but even if i stumbled across some Old Post of mine and was like “lmfao whats up w THIS loser” it’s like….well, i’m sympathetic to my Earlier Selves. this applies to like, me never deleting Late Night Sad Posts or whatever (even tho nowadays they’re never exactly like i’m upset, maybe just Melancholy or in a mood to talk abt something saddish) coz i’m like, well, even though rn i don’t feel like i Need this post, back then i did feel like venting to feel better! and that’s fine. i don’t find that embarrassing. it’s like if you’re thirsty on one day and you drink some water and at some random point during the next evening when you’re not thirsty you think back on that time you were drinking water and you’re like “wow, embarrassing.” well clearly its not a perfect analogy but the point is sometimes you might feel you need to talk, and sometimes you don’t, and both times are ok. its not an embarrassment to have been upset6. this blog is the most personal thing in the world for me lmao its my Main social media presence, goes back five yrs, and for like. well the whole five years its been what keeps me from being way more isolated than i am. irl friends have been long distance this whole time (save a couple exceptions) and mostly my way to talk to ppl has been on here. this was especially important when i was at my parents house for a couple yrs. it was fairly awful and being able to be in touch w ppl and being able to SAY it was awful was clearly important, and i became more inclined to write abt shit rather than hold myself back b/c my being able to say anything was important7. i still talk about things b/c being able to say anything here to people in the outside world is important8. i can’t be like “i cant talk abt this b/c its not important/interesting enough” coz if i did i wouldn’t talk abt anything. i just write b/c i have things to say, and this is my pointless blog9. i don’t expect i’ll ever become Well Known in any circles. for me the more likely concern is kinda disappearing either due to dying or incarceration or some other shit scenario. the times i talk on here are good b/c that hasnt happened yet and i have the option10. even if i did become well known, i don’t really care.11. also for uh…all the times i was living in my parents house thru my life i was really really isolated. for eons i was used to nobody knowing shit abt me and keeping p much all my thoughts to myself. nowadays this blog is what lets me be able to sorta Known and Seen and able to get in touch w ppl if we wanna. basically, there’s nothing TOO personal. i’m not even trying to push myself to “overshare” coz like i said, p much nothing is offlimits. i’ve just had a lifetimes worth of being very invisible and unknown to anyone12. actually i can still be very cagey abt myself in person. learning to be more open On Here is a bit helpful for that. 13. idk that anyone else would give a shit about old vent posts from me either. when i talk abt me im talking abt *me*, its really not even vaguely interesting when removed even one degree from that specific context. 14. maybe there’s the chance some shit will happen to be Relatable to other ppl and somehow helpful to them15. for example, a lot of how i realized i was actually experiencing abuse for real was thru anecdotal / qualitative posts abt it. sometimes there’s shit you think is Just You only b/c nobody else who it applies to is talking about it yknow16. maybe making it seem less a big deal to talk abt your bullshit if i unapologetically talk abt my bullshit17. i remember my younger self feeling like i didnt ~deserve~ to talk abt my own thoughts & feelings the way other ppl did coz mine weren’t as good, so i kinda do it for them / in celebration of no longer feeling that way18. i actually like to talk. i just usually can’t. irl i very very very very rarely talk at length about myself, i don’t talk much at all. for me this is where i get to talk19. hmm i may have skipped or forgotten something obvious but hey. for now, there’s this. no-limits milo they call me

[virdityshattred]

 Head canon:   How i imagine Micheal and Helel became mates.  { You don’t have to swing with this this is just what i imagine.}   ------------------- Micheal, a warrior by nature and very organized and as quick as a whip though sometimes thought to be a little arrogant his passion was fighting designed to lead armies and smite the unholy thus struggled with the concept of being social being only a warrior.  Helel,  a master musician who possessed the ability to craft music beautiful such it would make anybody cry, the polar opposite of Micheal  and stunningly beautiful himself.   Popular among many for his music and status as god’s favorite but Helel didn’t want that for was more interested in his music rather then being the sociable one and would often hide away in his personal garden.    After awhile several angels begun to notice how perfect they were for each other, they may have been the polar opposite of each other.  Gabriel had noticed they were perfect for each other first, the messenger had known for a long time observing they truly cared deeply for each other although actually never openly said so it was in the way which they’d do little things to show they did.  Later on when Raphael got a little older Gabriel spent a large amount of his time trying to get Raphael to see it too given the healer previously only thought it was brotherly love but eventually Gabriel succeed.  Then later on several other angels saw it too.  Soon there was a rumor that spread all over heaven that the first two archangels were secretly dating and soon enough the story reached Helel’s ears.   “ What?!  that’s ridiculous Gabriel. Micheal is just my brother I’m not---”   Gabriel laughed a wide grin spreading across his face. “ Oh but Helel most of heaven thinks differently brother!  everybody can clearly see you care very much for Micheal just a little more then just  ‘ brothers’ would.”  “  But we’re not in a relationship Micheal is just my brother nothing more.” Helel put his hands over his face in embarrassment. “  And you say  most of heaven thinks this?”   Gabriel’s mouth twisted into a mischievous grin. “ Are you sure you want me to answer that?”   Helel groaned rubbing his forehead.  “  What am i going to do?  this is not something I’d like to deal with.”   Gabriel put a hand on his brother’s shoulder. “ Oh Helel don’t worry this is easily fixable, because this isn’t even a problem!  why are you so upset over these rumors?”  “ Because Gabriel he’s just my brother. We’re family not mates. Excuse me Gabriel i must be off. “   Helel headed off walking down the long halls of heaven from a far eyeing Micheal when the light bringer, deeply flustered and not sure what to make of this all  because he did care for his brother but it was just the light bringer didn’t have feelings for Micheal  like that.  { Not yetttttt}. When suddenly  Helel froze sensing a familiar grace behind him ---- light blue eyes’s became very wide it was Micheal himself!  quickly he spun around.     Micheal wore an expression which Helel took to be bored his eyes starring into the light blue eyes, the warrior stopped exactly three feet in front of the light bringer.  “ Helel. “   Silence. If angels were capable of blushing Helel would’ve been in the moment blushing bright red. “... Y----y---Yes?”  “ Do you love me. “   Helel’s eyes grew wider well he couldn't just say no to Micheal because he did just not in a romantic way.  “ Well--- i mean -- i do brother just not in a romantic way.”  Micheal gave a curt nod. “I--- feel the same way.  However our fellow siblings have spoken to me in my training time which was quite rude have convinced me you’d be the best candidate to be my mate thus I’d like you to join me this evening  to have spar with me, i imagine your fighting skills are quite rusty brother. I shall be waiting goodbye.” Giving a quick little bow and with a flap of wings flew away.   Helel stood still-- what in the name of their father had just happened?  the light bringer’s mouth fell open. A loud squeal could be heard and Gabriel came out of his hiding spot before Helel could react gave his brother a tight hug a wide grin plastered across his face. “ I knew it!!!   you and Mikey !    “  “G-- Gabriel please tell me what just happened. He -- just.----”   “ EEEEE I KNOW HELEL! I WAS LISTENING TO THE WHOLE THING!”   “ You---- were listening the whole time?”  Questioned Helel now more flustered then before.       “ I--  is this ridiculous.  I’m not even a fighter!”   “ OHHH!  JUST GIVE IT A CHANCE Helel you never knowwww how it might go. “  “ Gabriel I’m not a warrior i cant do it and that’s that.”  Gabriel sighed letting go of his brother knowing there was no changing Helel’s mind. “ But if you changed your mind let meeee knoww how it went “ with a giggle and with a flap of wings vanished.  With a flap of wings Helel went to his heaven and crafted more music it helped him think, to calm himself in times like this. What was he thinking? he couldn't just leave Micheal waiting for him that evening  alone it would be he sighed putting the instrument down casually strolling into his personal garden and walked about in it.  Micheal didn’t even let him accept the request before flying off, Micheal had a tendency to be very proper and there was no way which Micheal could think that was the right way to ask somebody out on a date?    { Oh father. }  thought Helel but what if Micheal was dreadfully shy after all was sometimes even more secluded then he was! more interested in training then being  social, constantly training.  Perhaps it had taken all of his courage just to ask him their father’s favorite creation, the bringer of light so popular among many other angels that just didn’t have enough to see if he’d accept.   Helel sighed in exasperation that really did seem like the likely explanation he really didn’t want to go on this date but did feel sorry for his elder brother so that was that he’d go so headed back into the main room and again with a flap of wings begun to head off to meet Micheal.    Micheal breathed heavily as he waited patiently by the training room what had he done?   Helel wasn’t a fighter like himself besides had been far too blunt and even maybe a little rude. Helel would never come he’d never come father he felt like such an idiot.    Suddenly Micheal looked up from starring  at the ground quickly changing his mind this just wasn’t Helel’s thing at all.  Helel stood in front of the elder archangel in silence both were silent for a few minutes then finally Micheal spoke.  “ Helel-- it’s -- -I’m glad you could come tonight but perhaps fighting is not the best way to converse. “  “ The pleasure is all mine.  Not really ---but i do have a personal garden which we could simply just talk in. “  “ That sounds delightful. “    So the two archangels went back to Helel’s personal garden which looked exactly like something straight out of a fantasy book, exotic flowers that can only be found in heaven, a small pond in the distance, the greenest grass, stairs leading down further into the garden, trees with fruits also exotic that could also only be found in heaven etc; it was truly a world of it’s own.  Both archangels weren’t sure how long they talked for and laughed.  Helel played Micheal some of his music, bringing tears to Micheal’s eyes  and Micheal showed Helel some of his moves in fighting both impressed by each other.   They shared their common interests and talked of ages long ago sharing their favorite memories and shared laughter.  Eventually the two archangels bid each other a goodnight.  “ Helel-- i-- i had good time. “  “ Me too Micheal.”  “  I’m sorry i acted so rudely and rushed away. I was nervous. I am very sorry.”  “ It’s alright. I forgive you.”    “ Perhaps tomorrow--- i can help you improve on your fighting?  “  “ I’d like that. “  “ Very well. Good night Helel. “   Once Micheal had left Helel went back to his heaven and crawled into his bed he couldn't bealive what had just happened, they truly had so much in common and Gabriel had been right for once.  He begun to wonder what was in store for him and Micheal?   were they truly meant to be like Gabriel claimed and most of the other low rank angels? He didn’t know it was too soon to tell so laid down and went to sleep.   Soon enough Helel’s and Micheal’s relationship blossomed like a flower becoming stronger, they became closer then they had been then before Gabriel and Raphael and now the ( in human years) teenage Balthazar were all very excited, the couple they’d been rooting for all this time was happening before their very eyes.  Helel always felt so at home with Micheal as did Micheal with Helel, they loved to listen to each other and then developed feelings for each other.    It was Helel who decided to confront these feelings first the light bringer took Micheal into his personal garden for privacy, the two of them sat in lush green grass incredibility soft and would be later used in Eden.  There was no pine coins or anything that one could sit upon and would be rather painful.  “ Micheal. Do you love me?”  “ Yes i do Helel.”  “ Will you be my mate?”  “ Of course.”     @helloimthetrickster, @nptperfect-indadseyes     

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Hey, i'm not sure why i'm telling you this but im really upset and just need to vent. Today my history teacher pinpointed me infront of the whole class (twice) and, long story short, was very persistent with receiving an answer of some sort which i had no idea about. Everybody was staring at me, some were laughing, i felt my face burning honestly all i wanted to do was to run out of the class. As someone with social anxiety i avoid any form of class speaking anyway, but now i cant stop [1]

[2] replaying the events from earlier today and i just feel shit about myself. Im embarrassed that everyone else probably thinks i lack a lot of intelligence and basic knowledge. It’s hard to think when im asked a specific question infront of everyone,it makes me so nervous and my mind goes blank. To everyone this may seem like i’m overreacting but honestly im so upset and im not sure if its normal to feel this way. I dont know how to get over this feeling it’s horrible. I’m so done with school tbh

Hey! You deserve this rant, please whenever you need, I’m here for you!

So it might not seem like it because I’m pretty open in here, but I do exactly what you described. I was seeing myself in your words.

It used to be way worse in the last years of middle school, and in the first years of high school, it got to the point I didn’t really think for myself and all my interactions were based on what the other person wanted to hear or what I thought they would think of me.

Of course it always backfired, because it’s impossible to please everyone at all times, which left me even more unhappy about myself and lead me to more and more mental and physical problems (nothing too serious!). 

I would constantly overthink about particular situations where I was put on the spot at school and cringed over and over again.

It lead to tricky situations, a rough couple of years while I transitioned through that. A lot of hiding in bathroom stalls. And cringy stuff that only I remember by now.

I took way too seriously what other people talked about me, which gave them power. And those people understood it somehow and used it in the wrong way, which made me feel even worse.

I don’t know why. I have a couple of suspicions from my childhood but nothing that completely justifies why I didn’t know how to stand up for myself like most people did.

Looking back I can see how I was innocent and didn’t really understand how everyone, everyone, the students, the teachers, they also had problems and insecurities in their lives. I thought everyone was always better than me when actually we were all the same even with our differences and I had nothing to worry about.

I’m much better now. I’ve learned how to recognize my self-worth, hold myself as an individual. I’m not afraid to look people in the eye, and most importantly live my life for me and not for others.

But I’m not completely secure though. Just the other day I was thinking about this, trying to figure it out. Nowadays, I think my problems come from the huge respect I have for other people. I do this crazy thing: whenever I’m held responsible to someone I get super committed to doing it in the most perfect way possible because I don’t want to disappoint that person, even if it’s a total stranger. And whenever I feel like I’ve disappointed someone, I feel so bad because I just wanted to do it nicely for them. And I know that’s not a bad thing to do, but it comes to such extremes with me, because I overthink it so much.

For example, last friday I realized I forgot to send an email to the librarian to renew my book before 7pm, and I remembered at 10pm. I sent the email but through the night and the whole weekend I felt horrible about it.

It’s not like the social anxiety that I had before, but it’s still some kind of awkwardness that I don’t want to depend on.

So after this detour, let me get to the point. xD

I think we can both agree that we have to be able to stand up for ourselves and to appear stable even in the most embarrassing of situations, both for self-respect, because you don’t owe anything to anyone, you are allowed to make mistakes and be treated fairly, but also because it’s a good thing to have for your future life, you’ll always need to speak under pressure and you need to stop putting yourself through this anxiety everytime you are.

I also understand this is not something you can simply stop doing because it’s irrational. As soon as the moment starts, you get dragged into it and without noticing it your face looks like a tomato emoji.

However, that doesn’t mean you can’t slowly start making a change in your behavior, including practicing the way you present yourself, your posture, the way you talk, controlling nervous tics, answering while making eye contact with teachers and other people without stuttering.

Body language may seem non-important to you at first glance but it’s ALL that matters in social interactions, and this is what helped me overcome that feeling of pure cringe and embarrassment. I just kept practicing and I still do now. I encourage you to start paying attention to how confident people sit and how you sit, how they talk and how you talk. Truly start studying these things, and this is how I improved, it has made my life so much happier, and the biggest difference in my life quality. Truly.

Now, by NO means I’m saying this is going to solve everything overnight. I’ve improved my anxiety progressively and cringe situations still happen to me, but I find them less damaging over time. To finish up, I’m going to tell you an example of a situation of me practicing:

I’m in class, minding my own business. I pay attention to my posture. I sit with my back straight, hands relaxed, body still. I’m not covering my face or bending down. I pay attention to the class. The teacher asks me a question, I can feel my heart rate immediately going up. I focus first on my breathing (inhale and exhale profoundly) and maintaining my posture and quickly go through those physical checks. Even if I’m blushing, I keep eye contact with the teacher and my voice strong all the way through.

This is harder than it seems if you have social anxiety, but this practice really helped me and got me through so much. I still have a lot to overcome but I’ve gotten so many victories already and I want you to have the same, I know you can.

Here are 2 phenomenal Ted Talks that really helped me learn what I just told you about and I encourage you to watch them from beginning to end:

The surprising secret to speaking with confidence - Caroline Goyder

Your body language may shape who you are - Amy Cuddy

So I know this is already pretty long but I still have some stuff that might help you so I want to give it a try.

Confidence comes from within, so self-reflection is always needed. In order to not go too deep on that right now, because that’s a whole other question in itself, I’m going to give you the one piece of practical advice I always give which is recommending Yoga with Adriene, either doing her yoga videos or her meditation ones, or her challenges. Just to keep that positivity flowing in your veins is so important. And if you don’t have a source in your life, I feel like Adriene could be it.

Goals are really important in being confident too, so keeping a bullet journal, or a journal, a vision board, where you write your feelings, your interests, your dreams, might get you through the bad days and give you confidence when you need it the most. I feel like some days thinking about how grateful I am for my family, my home, myself, etc. really gets me through tough feelings I might be experiencing. 

Always share out loud what you are experiencing with your loved ones, with people you trust. Whenever I have feelings bottling up I force myself to spill them to my loved ones because I know no matter how much it embarrasses me to admit them, it always makes me feel better after they comfort me and make me see something differently, and suddenly the incident sounds a little more beatable.

Last thing I want to touch, and I promise, I promise this is the last thing, is those people in your class making you feel inferior. Don’t you shed a tear for them and I mean it. You are the classy one. You are the strong one. You get to keep your head high and be kind to yourself. If someone isn’t compassionate to you, you don’t owe them anything and you have the right to shut them out of your life. You don’t need to keep thinking about them or talk about them. You just don’t do them. You don’t pay attention to what they’re saying about you… they don’t know you. They. Don’t. Know. You. They don’t matter. That doesn’t mean you get to be rude to them, it just means they’re irrelevant. So. With that being said, I hope you understand you are a beam of light, a fucking rock star and you can get through this, you can overcome this school year, and the next one and the next one.

Find the people in your life who matter, who make you feel good. That’s all that matters. Here’s something interesting I read: “Feel bad for people who have the energy to bring others down. Don’t hate them back, feel for them. They are clearly in pain if that’s where they want to spend their energy.” Like I said they’re irrelevant, but you don’t have to be mean back, don’t get inside their game. Be the classy one and always, always, always focus on yourself, live your life.

I honestly want to keep talking for hours. I hope this was enough for you to kick-start a new way of seeing yourself and starting to become happy with who you are. There are so many obstacles in life but positivity is possible, you just have to keep looking for the things in your life that matter, that make you feel good and don’t give up.

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to answer this for you and I hope the advice reaches you. ♡ ♡ ♡ lots of love!