#if i read atomic habits will it fix me

[gtgbye]

i went for a bike ride to drop my jeans off at the tailor and to get groceries and it was raining and i was huffin and puffin and my legs hurt now but im glad i did something today

[deebris]

From annoying to beloved

Homelander x fem!Reader

Synopsis: The new member of the Seven annoys Captain Patria with their habit of doodling in the corners all the time, but he didn't expect to end up liking it.

During the fourth season, it can be read as both romantic and platonic.

Warnings: Swearing, mentions of murder, the reader has the power to control plasma, fluffy.

The reader is also kind of anxious.

Word count: 2.9k

"You gotta be fucking kidding with me." Homelander interrupted abruptly upon hearing snores in the room. "Is Noir sleeping?"

"Mmhmm," Firecracker murmured in agreement, but the masked superhero jolted awake when The Deep kicked his chair.

"Oh, shit! Sorry, guys." Black Noir straightened up, while the Captain shook his head in disbelief, unable to fathom what he had just witnessed.

"Ah, what the fuck." The blonde furrowed his brows, eyes darting around the room quickly, then fixing on a specific point when something else caught his attention. He had noticed you earlier with a notebook and pencil, but now you're not writing but drawing. The irritating sound of the graphite scraping against the paper had been bothering him for some time, but he had tried to ignore it, assuming as a newcomer you were taking notes.

He wouldn't lie. Though he found taking notes utterly stupid, he liked to think someone was that focused on what he said. Not that he needed it, just opening his lips and everyone would be watching him. But as if that weren't enough, he finally realized you were dressed in regular civilian clothes.

"Radiance, where's your suit?" He asked slowly, but angrily. "Can't anyone do anything right around here?"

You finally tore your attention from the paper, meeting Homelander gaze directly. It's not that you weren't paying attention—in fact, you were, maybe more than anyone else there. It was easier to absorb things while doodling, a way to calm your nerves. Well, that or rubbing your sweaty fingers together until they hurt.

No one ever understood. Even back in school, your parents used to receive complaints about you drawing during class, no matter how high your grades were or the fact that you were the top student.

This was your first meeting with the Seven, and the last thing you wanted was to give the impression of being careless or not caring about being there. It could be said that one of the best days of your life was yesterday when Vought sent you a notice, letting you know that the greatest superhero of all had personally chosen you to join the team. After so many "retarded" - in his words - he had been forced to accept into the Seven, Homelander saw in you, above all, the opportunity to make up for Firecracker's ridiculous weakness.

When Ashley began talking about your powers, he had no doubt the last spot was yours. It was simply brilliant. Who the hell would have imagined someone would have powers to control a state of matter? You could maneuver fire, generate electrical discharges, disrupt magnetic fields, and damn it, you could split atoms as if slicing butter.

Vought's scientists said they didn't know if it was possible, but you could destroy the damn out of a star one day. Homelander wasn't a science guy, but in one of his moments of boredom, he got curious and did some research. He didn't even know that plasma crap was all that, he thought it was a cell thing or whatever.

He always thought someone with a power as peculiar as yours, and at your age, would be arrogant or just plain dumb. But you were actually the complete opposite. You didn't speak unnecessarily, and while you seemed very aware of your own actions, you had no clue how powerful you were, or perhaps ignored that fact. The blonde thought you were an idiot for it, but he appreciated the inferiority you submitted to, especially in relation to himself.

"I don't have one, sir," you replied to his question, feeling small with everyone looking.

"What the hell?" He continued, focusing on you with incredulous voice, he couldn't believe it. How did someone end up here without even having a superhero suit?

The truth was, you had never been part of any team before, nor had you received any sponsorship during your life, or even attended Godolkin University. The only thing you had were your powers, which were indeed impressive. You never chased after any position, nor were you ever obsessed with being a famous superheroine, but lately you thought it would be a good adventure to radicalize your life. That's when you applied to join the Seven.

"How do you have a name and not have a fucking suit?" He asked, boiling with anger, fists clenching tightly behind his back.

"They gave me a name when I filled out the application," you answered honestly. That day, after they chose to call you Radiance, a random and easily commercial name, you couldn't complain much and didn't want to bother, so you left it at that.

"You'll be introduced as an official member of the Seven tomorrow, how do you not have a suit?" He took his hands off his back, moving them as he spoke to express his confusion, and for a few moments you followed it movement like a child who can't keep their attention on anything for long. "Who's handling your marketing?"

You couldn't answer, so you stayed silent and no one else dared to say a word either. You had no idea who was handling your marketing, not knowing you should even have that. You glanced quickly around the table, perhaps seeking some kind of help for the situation, but everyone looked down when they realized you were staring at them. They were enjoying themselves, and that made you exhale through your nose in embarrassment.

"You know what? Fuck it, doesn't matter." Homelander brought his fingers to his furrowed forehead, letting out a loud sigh as he calmed down. "Just... don't show up like this in public until someone gives you a suit."

"Yes, sir," you replied tensely, relieved that he had resolved the matter.

Sister Sage widened her eyes in relief when she finally saw the superhero sitting beside her. She opened her mouth to begin speaking, as she had intended from the beginning, but when some sound was about to come out of her mouth, Homelander spoke to you again, this time pointing an accusatory finger at you:

"And stop drawing, damn it," he ordered, causing you to slowly drop the pencil on the table, as if caught doing something wrong with the weapon of the crime in hand. You stared at your lap throughout the entire meeting, embarrassed for messing everything up on your first day.

When the meeting ended, you followed most people out of the room, but stopped nearby in one of the hallways. You slid down the wall, crouching in a hidden corner, and lightly tapped the sketchbook against your forehead in annoyance.

"Stupid," you murmured softly to yourself. It was so ridiculous, yet it embarrassed you so much. Maybe this first day wasn't so bad after all. You would have plenty of time to prove your worth to everyone, no need to dwell on this situation. Even though you had been corrected in front of some of the most iconic supers by Homelander himself, this situation could be overcome. It was thinking about it that kept you from letting the burning tears fall.

"I can hear you whining," Homelander voice made you jump to your feet, startled to be caught once again doing something you shouldn't. He didn't seem happy, and his expression was so intimidating that you felt like Mariah Carey performing for a crowd of Eminem fans.

He approached you in slow steps and you held the sketchtebook protectively to your chest, as if that could protect you from something. He glanced down to briefly see the object in your hands and looked at you with disgust.

"If you don't straighten up, I'll kick you out. Got it?" Everything about him exuded threat. Maybe if he weren't so imposing and powerful, that sentence would have sounded a bit like the janitor from your old school scolding you for spending too much time in the bathroom during class.

You were paralyzed standing there and all you could do was a nod. But your gesture made him more aggressive.

"Answer with your mouth. Are you mute or something?" And there he was, hands behind his back again. He seemed to enjoy that pose.

"I won't mess up, sir," you said, swallowing your saliva.

"And get rid of that. Or burn it, do whatever, just get rid of it. And I better not see you with that again," he said referring to your notebook, walking away faster than before. "These kids..." you heard him mutter distantly.

After that happened, you didn't destroy the sketchtebook, but you were afraid of being caught and kept it safely tucked away in the back of a drawer in your room. What the eyes don't see, the heart doesn't feel, right? You mentally made a promise to yourself not to use it anywhere else but here, to avoid causing more trouble.

It's been a week since you've been with the Seven, and several strange things have happened. You quickly realized that Homelander wasn't the pristine and merciful hero everyone believed him to be. But the truth was that deep down you already expected that. Everything about heroes always seemed too perfect and pure, there had to be a catch. Despite everything, you still remained yourself, never intentionally hurting anyone or getting involved in murders and conspiracies.

You were comfortable helping out with some minor crimes that Vought sent you to solve, but by now you suspected that sooner or later Homelander would ask you to do some of his atrocities. It was still hard to think about how to feel about it, but you weren't naive, you were already mentally preparing to submit to it or else be killed.

During that time, as you adjusted and interacted with the team, it didn't go unnoticed by Homelander that you were drawing on your own hand, or on napkins and on random sheets you found lying around, even though you hadn't shown up with your sketchtebook again. This was starting to wear on his last nerve, but he tried to ignore it. As long stayed as you were, without asking too many questions and obedient, he made an effort to continue overlooking your makeshift drawings.

"Meeting's over," the blond suddenly declared, interrupting another of the Seven's weekly gatherings while cutting off The Deep's rambling about his ideas.

"But I haven't even talked about the flying shark yet," he tried to defend himself.

"Shut up," Homelander's voice rang out sternly in the room, issuing a warning that the man promptly obeyed.

"Right. Meeting's over." Ashley nervously moved to gather the portfolios on the new soda advertisement she had come to present, but as soon as she touched the first folder, specifically the A-Train one, the superhero exploded in rage:

"Ashley! Get out!" She immediately dropped the folder in place and hurried out in her heels, unable to run in them. "All of you! Get out of here."

Everyone got up from their chairs, even you, and filed out through the front door, leaving the folders on the table. Sister Sage hesitated, thinking she might be an exception, but when his scowl deepened, she understood she should leave too.

With the room empty, Captain Patria took a few minutes to admire the view from the tower. He enjoyed staring at it sometimes, even when bored.

"Bunch of idiots," he muttered to himself, shaking his head in denial, indignant. If he had to spend one more minute with these morons, he would have a heart attack, even though that was technically impossible for him.

He threw his cape back as he turned to leave, looking down and not focusing on anything in particular. But his eyes caught something different from the other folders. It was obviously yours, with a huge drawing covering the text and images printed on it.

That was the first time he actually saw something you had scribbled. And damn, it was perfect. It was a drawing of everyone in the room, with him in the center looking angry. Just as he was. His ego flared up as he noticed that his figure was more detailed than the others'. You must have started drawing him first, hence had more time to detail him. The idea of you making him the main focus of this particular drawing made his pupils dilate. He used his super hearing to check if anyone else was around and secretly took that sheet for himself.

The next time he saw you drawing in the Seven's room, he couldn't help but wonder if you were drawing him again. As soon as he noticed you sneakily reaching for a pen that belonged to Ashley, he looked in your direction. The noise that used to annoy him now sparked curiosity. And after staring at you for so long, it didn't take long for you to look back at him too. The blond thought you would be embarrassed, like most people, but you just grinned as if you were used to being caught looking. And indeed, you were.

You began drawing Homelander more frequently when you realized he never caught you watching him. It was easier and avoided awkward situations with other people. After two whole weeks of drawing him continuously while taking advantage of this freedom, you felt capable of drawing his face without even needing to see a photo, having memorized most of his distinctive features.

Well, it seems he's finally noticed you.

Sometimes, when alone in your room, you took out your sketchbook and started practicing the memory of his facial features you had developed. Just like every other time, you became absorbed in the drawing, focusing only on the voices around you to understand what was being said. This was also a way to keep yourself engaged during conversations, so you wouldn't get restless from being still while being a mere spectator of everything. After all, you never participated much or gave opinions; Deep already did enough for two.

The meeting had already ended, but you stayed in your chair, even as everyone else left, to finish just a part of the hair. You thought no one would mind, and then you would leave as usual, but a voice caught you by surprise:

"Can I take a look?" Homelander asked, for the first time, using a gentle voice beside you. His expression was enigmatic, somewhat relaxed, and shy at the same time.

You turned the stack of post-it notes, also taken from Ashley, for him to see what you had drawn, fearing what he would say. You weren't ashamed of drawing people, much less of them catching you doing it. You feared because he found your habit annoying.

He observed the drawing, seeing his posture from the side, upright and imposing. He wondered if you drew him exactly as you saw him, or if it was just another caricature of reality, like those Photoshopped pictures spread around. He looked much better than he imagined, though he had that superiority complex that made him see himself as a god.

For a moment, he was offended to see his image stamped on such despicable things as scraps of paper and these damn post-it notes. Your fingerprints were also visible stains, and the paper was slightly wrinkled from his sweat. He had noticed that sometimes you drew calmly, as if you had all the time in the world, and other times it was like drawing on a boat in a storm. Today seemed to be the latter situation.

"Do you like drawing me?" He glanced at you.

"I do," you shrugged. That was the simplest and most truthful answer you could give. "Sorry, I won't do it anymore," you said, thinking he was bothered by it.

"Why?" He ignored your apology.

"You're drawable... I guess," you stared at the table, not understanding the flow of the conversation.

"And what the fuck does that mean?" He asked in a louder voice, turning to face you, obviously confused. "Is this some artistic shit?"

"It's just that you're easy to draw because you have unusual characteristics. It's a good thing," was your answer, and it inflated his chest with narcissistic pride. Unusual, that's what you said, but to him, it was like being called extraordinary.

"Next time you draw me, try using a sketchbook," he said sternly, pretending to reject your work, but deep down, he just didn't want to show that he really liked it. That statement was his way of encouraging you to continue, but at the same time, it was so ironic, considering he got mad at you just when you were drawing him in the sketchtebook that day.

"But you asked me to get rid of mine," you said simply, your voice dwindling with each word of the sentence, not wanting him to find out that you had never thrown it away.

"I'll get you a new one," he said dismissively, taking the entire stack of post-it notes with him, including the drawing, as if you wouldn't notice.

[cobaltperun]

Eternal Flame - Runaway Train

Jenna Ortega x female Reader

Summary: For her it’s a passion, for you it’s an accident. And as she continues shining brighter and brighter with each role you are left mesmerized, drawn to her flame and cherishing every time she lets herself be vulnerable with you.

Spotify playlist

Masterlist / Next part

Word count: 6.2k

-You were there like a slow torch burning, I was a key that could use a little turning-

“The world still sucks!” the shout woke you up, but your doors being slammed open made you jump to your feet from the couch. Somehow even in your confused state you managed to recognize the voice of your best friend and self-appointed back-up manager for your career that would soon be restarted. At least according to Barbara, the same girl that just burst through your front door like she owned the place.

“So does your ability to knock,” you complained, reaching up to fix your bed hair, just fixing whatever you could with your fingers. You ended up falling asleep on the couch while reading through some scripts Barbara managed to get for you. Asshole. Sending e-mails in your name.

You didn’t have to look at her to know she just rolled her eyes and sat down on your couch. Flipping through the script parts you received. “Don’t pretend you’re getting something from the kitchen!” she called you out on your habit the moment you went toward the kitchen, and you winced, sometimes hating how well she knew you. You still poured yourself a glass of apple juice. “At least bring me a glass too,” you winced again at that.

“If you can barge into my apartment, you can get it yourself,” you grumbled, still feeling sleepy. You should have made a coffee, or tea, or something that would wake you up. You went back to the couch and sat down next to Barbara, smirking slightly as she tried her best to glare at you. You even made a show out of slowly sipping on the apple juice, just to see her pout.

“Mean,” she complained and looked away. You had to admit it was a cute pout. Barbara was beautiful, you were more than aware of that. A bit above average in height, just over 5 foot 6, she had a beautiful face, striking blue eyes, and blonde hair as straight as she was, which was a 100%, not a single atom in her body was attracted to anyone that wasn’t a man.

“You love it, babe,” you still teased one another every now and then. Even if she wasn’t straight there was no way you could ever see her as anything but your best friend. The teasing was just there for light-hearted fun.

Barbara hummed and suddenly tried to grab your glass, only for you to lift it out of her reach. “You have no heart,” she sighed and gave up on drinking the apple juice unless she got up, and you knew her pride wouldn’t let her do it. “Did anything catch your eye?” she asked, pointing a finger at the scripts.

“I dunno. How did you even get this many scripts?” there were four scripts in total. There was one for psychological thriller that would require you to go to Italy, one for a superhero movie, one for a reboot of the Scream franchise and finally for a pilot episode for TV drama.

Barbara shrugged and patted you on the back. “The comeback of a child star that won several awards and was nominated for a bunch for her first and only role? You’d be surprised how effective that pitch is,” she laughed as you facepalmed.

“You… I’m not even going to say anything,” you sighed, glancing through the window. You weren’t sure how it happened, you just auditioned because it seemed fun and Barbara dared you to do it, and then you ended up getting the role, got the taste of the industry, the work and dedication it took and just figured you didn’t want to spend your childhood like that. But now, close to turning twenty, you figured you might give it a shot again. Even if you were still a bit reluctant to go back to that world.

It wasn’t the work, you could do it now. But now that it’s been several years since your movie came out in 2017 and even more years since you filmed it back in 2013 and 2014, you found it difficult to motivate yourself to give it a shot. After all, how do you follow the success of it?

You didn’t notice Barbara’s eyes softening. “You worry too much,” she pointed out nudged you lightly.

You couldn’t help but smile at that. “Yeah,” you went and picked up the script for Scream. “I think this should be fun, though going to Italy could be fun as well, and it’s a good story, dark, but good,” you narrowed it down to two choices and took your phone. You had some calls to make. Not before you went and brought a glass of apple juice for Barbara though.

~X~

The August heat in Los Angeles wasn’t something you liked experiencing, especially when you were already feeling quite nervous standing in front of the building where Radio Silence Production office was. ‘Get it together, you know how these go,’ you berated yourself, you had a successful movie behind you, granted, you weren’t the one responsible for the success. And you had your current job, if this failed you were perfectly comfortable with not being an actress.

Even if Barbara would get on your nerves for it for the rest of your life.

You took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, the role was actually perfect for you, as if written with you in mind. About as close to action as you figured most horror movies would get you, and your proficiency with martial arts was a huge bonus when combined with physically fitting the description of your character. You were a bit taller, but everything else fit well enough.

A bit too well in some ways. But first you needed to go through the chemistry testing with the actress they were considering for the role of Tara Carpenter, your love interest and the character around who the entire plot would revolve in some ways, since she was the sister of the main character and the victim of the first attack, setting everything in motion. Tara was to be the glue for the new main trio of her, her sister and your character, and from what you heard the actress, Jenna Ortega, already did an amazing job with the actress cast to play Sam Carpenter.

With another deep breath you went inside the building. The air conditioning immediately provided you with a much-needed relief as you made your way up the stairs, ignoring the elevator that was right there. A minute or two later you were in front of the office doors. You knocked twice and the door opened, revealing one of the directors of the movie, Matt.

“Come in, come in,” he certainly looked excited as he ushered you inside, you were ten minutes early, but it was clear you were the last one to arrive.

“Damn, should have gotten here earlier,” you rubbed the back of your neck uncomfortably, being the last to arrive, even if you did come here earlier than expected, was never fun.

“It’s all good, I was just telling Jenna about the scene the two of you will do together,” Matt motioned toward a beautiful girl that looked like she was one or maybe two years younger than you, dressed perfectly between casual and professional, and that seemed a bit familiar, but you couldn’t quite remember where you’ve seen her before.

You looked to the side as you tried to remember where you knew her from. She was sitting next to an older woman, you guessed mid or late forties, that looked a lot like her, so you assumed it was her mother.

“That’s a relief,” you approached the girl and offered your hand to her. “Y/N L/N, nice to meet you,” you smiled, too late realizing the mask hid your smile, as she stood up and accepted the handshake.

“I’m Jenna Ortega, pleasure to meet you too,” her handshake was firm, but even more than that, her voice finally made it click where you knew her from. They would really be dumb if they didn’t hire her, considering just how amazing she was in You season 2.

You nodded as Jenna sat down and offered your hand to the woman next to her as well. “Y/N.”

“Natalie, nice to meet you,” the woman nodded as well and you turned back to Jenna as you sat down on a chair to her left, with a seat between the two of you.

“You, right? Season 2?” you were about ninety nine percent sure you got it right. The emotional scene she had in the season was the highlight of it for you and it was mind blowing for you that she was basically still a child when she filmed it.

Her eyes widened and you winced, fearing you made her uncomfortable, but she recovered quickly and nodded. “Yes, thank you, I mean,” she buried her face in her hands. “God,” she whispered, clearly embarrassed.

“No, it’s all good, I was about to say you were great,” you tried, you really did, to salvage the first meeting, but when she still looked like she wanted the ground to swallow her to save her from embarrassment, you were kind of lost and unsure of what to do. Luckily, you were saved by Matt.

He faked a cough and gave you the scene you were meant to do with Jenna. It was one of the two scenes you did for your audition, the first being a bit of the action scene, just so they could be sure you were fit for the physical side of the role. As if working at the gym and teaching several martial arts classes wasn’t enough. “Jenna, Y/N, please move to the couch and the chair we set up, Jenna, you’re meant to start lying down, the relationship between your characters leans a lot on the touch, so do it as if you were filming the scene. Y/N, you’ve got water right behind you,” he instructed the two of you as you removed your masks and as if in an instant you saw a shift in Jenna, as if she was completely focused on the task, and nothing else mattered.

Matt, the other director Tyler, and several other people observed the two of you as you got into position.

“And action!” Tyler instructed you.

You sat, still, acting as if you were in deep thought, trying to get inside the mind of your character. It felt easy, natural, and you were reminded of just how much fun you had when acting before, and it felt so damn right to be doing it again. Even after all the time you spent resisting it once you had the chance to do it again it felt like all of that resistance vanished and you embraced the role. For your character the girl she was in love with just barely survived a vicious attack and she spent the last twelve hours sitting by the girl’s side, waiting for Tara to wake up,

Jenna groaned, and you jumped to your feet, but froze mid-step, your body filled with tension. You continued watching carefully as Jenna opened her eyes and as your eyes met you relaxed your posture.

She blinked a few times before she focused on you. “C/N,” she said your character’s name, prompting you to snap into action and fill a glass of water. You went back to Jenna, and she raised her neck, taking a few sips as you slowly tilted the glass for her.

“Easy, I got you,” you moved once more, kneeling on one knee next to the couch, your hand brushing against the back of Jenna’s right hand. She didn’t flinch away, but you saw the panic and fear in her eyes, and it took your breath away how into character she got. “Tara! Tara you’re safe!” you still moved, quickly reaching up to cradle her cheek. “Okay? You’re safe,” you softened the tone of your voice considerably, and the two of you remained like that, waiting for the slight pause in the scene to play out.

And then Jenna sobbed, with so much emotion you damn near felt the exact need to protect her your character felt for her character. “Please, don’t leave me,” her eyes filled with tears.

“I won’t. I swear I won’t,” you wiped her tears away, though it wasn’t a part of the script, you just felt like that was something your character would do, and much to your surprise Jenna actually leaned into your touch, playing along with your slightly improvisation.

“You promise?” she asked, her tone so vulnerable, filled with emotion and pushing you to be even better, to give even more of yourself. You felt it at that moment, the instant connection, the instant chemistry, the same way you did years ago with your co-star and semi-mentor.

“I promise. You’re stuck with me until you tell me to leave,” you smiled back as she smiled slightly.

“Could you help me sit up?” Jenna went on with the scene, and you nodded, helping her sit up with as much care as you could while getting into the position your character needed to be in. Jenna leaned the back of her head onto your left shoulder, and you opened your mouth, your eyes meeting hers. “Let me stay like this for a bit? Please?”

And it was truly an awkward position, but you hugged her from behind, your left arm just beneath her neck. “Is this okay?” you asked, and not just as your character. Sure, your characters were meant to be close, but you just met and more than anything you wanted her to be comfortable.

“Yeah,” she relaxed against you for a few moments. “Did they catch him?”

Everything was calm between the two of you. “Not as far as I know.”

Jenna turned, leaning closer and burying her face in the crook of your neck and you nearly flinched, as it wasn’t part of the script, though you couldn’t deny it did fit the description of the relationship between your characters. “I’m so scared C/N,” she whispered, her warm breath tickling your skin.

“I’m here. I won’t let it hurt you again,” you said, hugging her a bit tighter than before.

“Cut!” Matt exclaimed and the two of you separated immediately and you watched as Jenna slowly slipped out of character as she moved to sit on the couch with you. And then you both saw the approval on Matt and Tyler’s faces, which was a very good sign.

“Great you two! That was wonderful!” Tyler praised you and you turned to Jenna with a grin on your face, the previous embarrassment forgotten as you raised your hand for a high-five, which she accepted, her eyes shining with excitement, and a tiny bit of embarrassment over the praise.

You could see this movie meant a lot to her, and you were really happy you didn’t fuck it up, in fact, you were almost certain you’d be working together on it after a chemistry test this successful.

~X~

You let a few days pass, not really waiting for the call, but always keeping your phone close. Funnily enough you were in a similar position your character was in. You’ve been training, practicing various martial arts and you were at a bit of a crossroad, stuck between acting and pursuing a career in MMA. The only reason you didn’t try to be a professional MMA fighter was because Barbara and Tom, your actual manager, and most importantly Hugh, demanded that you at least give acting another shot before going down that path.

Getting a serious injury to the face and trying to restart your acting career wasn’t something anyone would advise you to do.

Still, you had a feeling you were forgetting something these past few days, like there was something you didn’t do and probably should have.

You just came out of the shower, fresh after an average solo training session, when you phone rang. It was Tim, and since he was calling, and he very rarely called, preferring to text instead, you figured it was either really good, or really bad news. “What’s up?” you asked as you walked over to your sofa and grabbed a TV remote. Might as well watch something to pass time.

“You might want to pack your bags,” he certainly sounded happy. “You’re heading to Wilmington, you got the role in Scream 5!” he exclaimed and you almost dropped your remote with how happy he sounded. “Welcome back to acting X-23,” he joked and you laughed at that.

The movie you did years ago, Logan. And the reason why no one really recognized you, they all thought you’d be much younger than you were. The truth was, you filmed Logan back in 2013 and the start of 2014, but since several X-Men movies were yet to be released and spacing them a bit made money, combined with the decision that Logan would be Hugh’s last time playing Wolverine the movie got pushed to 2017.

Still, it was one hell of a starting point.

You still rolled your eyes at that. “Looking forward to it,” and you did. If the chemistry test with Jenna was any indication you were in for a really good experience. “Well, better start packing,” you figured and said your goodbyes to your manager.

About an hour later you got a notification on your phone and glanced at it. It was simple, Jenna Ortega has requested to follow you from Instagram. Your eyes widened and you smacked your forehead, so that’s what you’ve been forgetting to do. Well, you did have a private account so- ah, what the hell, you were just looking for excuses as you quickly accepted the request and followed her back.

And so you sat back, wondering if you should send her a message, congratulate her on getting the role because you were a hundred percent sure she got it. Or if you should just say hi, or anything really, and as you sat there, looking at the empty messages and wondering what you should do while the music played on TV you saw Jenna typing.

“Shit!” you cursed and exited the messages as if having Jenna immediately see ‘seen’ on the message would mean being caught doing something you shouldn’t be doing. You lowered your phone onto the table and watched it like a hawk, resisting the temptation to see if she was still typing, but minutes later your screen didn’t light up and you raised an eyebrow at that. She changed her mind?

And now you felt guilty because it felt like you knew something you shouldn’t. So, swallowing your pride and ignoring the slight fear you decided to send her a message after all.

18:21 Y/N L/N: Hey, sorry you had to follow me first, I’m not really all that active here

There, you sent it, nice, simple message. Nothing to worry about.

18:22 Jenna Ortega: Hi! It’s fine, don’t worry about it! I was thinking, I mean if you don’t have anything planned, maybe you’d like to meet up and get to know each other over a lunch?

Your jaw dropped for a moment, but when you thought about it, it really was a logical move, you should spend some time together before acting as characters that were supposed to be best friends turned lovers.

18:23 Jenna Ortega: No pressure, I understand if you’re busy!

You bit the inside of your cheek at that, she was backtracking because you took too long too answer after reading the message.

18:23 Y/N L/N: I do want to meet up!

18:23 Y/N L/N: I was a bit surprised, but it makes sense. Where do you want to meet?

~X~

In the end you agreed to meet up in Los Angeles where Jenna was wrapping up filming another movie. You managed to resist Googling the younger girl, wanting to hear it from her instead of going in knowing things about her. But you did hear her name popping up every now and then, a young, extremely talented actress that wasn’t even eighteen, hard-working and wonderful to work with.

A child actress, you knew that much without having to search for information on the internet. She decided to do it, to basically sacrifice regular childhood in favor of going to work. You felt lots of things regarding that, but you wanted to get to know Jenna better before you decided which of those many feelings prevailed.

You stood near the doors of a small diner Jenna recommended to meet up at, waiting for her. You were a bit nervous and ended up arriving twenty minutes earlier than you agreed to meet up. You could have gone in, ordered a drink, found a way to pass time inside instead of out in the street, but you just simply didn’t. Instead, you opened your phone and began reading ‘The House of Voices’ the book the script that caught your interest was based on. You were still in the talks for that movie, and if you got the role filming wouldn’t start for some time, so there wouldn’t be a scheduling issue.

You still wanted to get familiar with the source material. And the book was good, so that was a bonus.

You barely read a couple of pages when the sound of someone clearing their throat caught your attention and you looked to the side to see Jenna there, fifteen minutes early, dressed in a casual white T-shirt and plain jeans. Not a lot different from the casual clothes you chose to wear. “Hey,” you smiled, putting your phone away, only to realize you weren’t sure if you should offer her your hand or go for a hug.

Luckily, Jenna, either on purpose or by accident, solved that problem for you when she stopped forward, smiling shyly with arms spread slightly, inviting you in for a hug. “Thanks for agreeing to meet up,” she said as you hugged her. Her hold on you wasn’t too tight, but it wasn’t loose either, it wasn’t forced.

“Of course,” you replied and motioned toward the door when you separated. “Shall we?” you asked, making Jenna quickly nod. You smiled as she turned away, clearly more nervous than you anticipated she would be. You weren’t sure what about you caused her to be so nervous, but, you figured she just needed some time, so you let her lead the way into the diner and choosing seats near the corner, just to give both of you some extra privacy. Which wasn’t that difficult, seeing as the diner was almost empty. The soft melody of a violin playing seemed to soothe her as you both sat down.

“Did you wait for too long?” Jenna asked as you both got comfortable, the diner went for more casual and comfortable seating, going for sofas and lower tables instead of usual chairs.

You shook your head at that. “Just a few minutes, don’t worry about it,” especially since she came early as well.

Jenna nodded, not even bothering to hide the relief on her face as you said that. You decided even that early into knowing her, that she worried too much. You arrived early and you were aware that you were early. Any waiting that could have happened was on you.

A waitress approached the two of you and you both ordered, Jenna deciding on baked beans and you going for a risotto.

“Weather is much nicer here,” you suddenly said, glancing outside the window toward the clear sky before turning back to Jenna. “Denver’s been a bit cloudy these past few days,” you explained and watched as Jenna’s eyes widened a bit.

“You came here from Denver?” she asked, almost sounding astounded by that discovery. “I’m so sorry, I thought you’d still be in a hotel or something!” she quickly apologized, but you just shrugged.

“Hey, I accepted to come here, didn’t I? It’s all good,” you couldn’t do much more than just try and reassure her with your words.

Jenna just groaned and lowered her head. “It’s just, since so much is happening here I thought you’d be living close to here, make connections, make it easier to book auditions,” she explained and it made sense to you.

There was one thing she didn’t know though. “Oh, I’m not really working as an actress at the moment,” you admitted and were honestly a bit amused by how quickly she looked at you. “Well, I was, I did a movie as a child, figured I could wait until I grew up and now I’m sort of trying to get back in,” you summed it up.

Jenna nodded, looking a bit regretful when she heard you say that. “Sometimes I wish I made that choice too,” her eyes widened, as if she didn’t expect to reveal that. “I mean, I’m extremely lucky to be doing this, but there are some downsides.”

You could agree with that. You probably would have gone down the same path, if it wasn’t for one detail. “I nearly stayed as well, but then Hugh told me I didn’t have to rush it, that I should be a child first,” you explained, revealing bits about yourself that you didn’t usually speak about as easily as you did just now. You just felt like, since Jenna was so sincere, you owed her the same honesty.

The silence that followed was strangely comfortable, like two long-time friends just existing in each other’s company. Neither of you felt the need to rush the conversation. “So, horror?” you eventually broke the silence and started the conversation.

Jenna’s face immediately lit up with an almost child-like excitement and you leaned in subconsciously. “It’s just pure fun, you know. It’s this release, combining the thrill and fear, and everyone loves it. There’s passion, and deep understanding of what the story is supposed to be, that it isn’t meant to only provoke thoughts, but that it’s supposed to give people watching a relief from everyday worries, an escape of sorts. I, I think it ended up being an escape for me too,” she didn’t even seem to try to wipe off the grin on her face as you listened to her, completely focused on her words and soaking their meaning in. “Sorry, I’m rambling,” she apologized, blushing slightly as if she just caught herself doing it.

“Not at all. I don’t think I’ve ever thought about it from that perspective, but I can see it,” the fact that more often than not the villain was much stronger than the hero just worked, just made it more engaging. “We are kinda breaking the rules with our characters, aren’t we?”

Jenna thought it over for a moment and then nodded. “Now that you mention it, yeah. Tara survives the opening, while the scene pays homage to the flawless opening of the original,” she took a sip of her drink, buying some time so she could collect her thoughts. “And your character feels stronger than Ghostface, to the point of fighting two on one and still having an upper hand until they take my character hostage,” she pointed out.

“You’ve been a fan of these movies for some time, I’m guessing,” you paused, watching her nod at that. “How do those things make you feel?” especially regarding your own character.

Jenna didn’t bother hiding it this time, she just fell silent, and you could see she was taking her time, figuring out the way to word her answer. “It’s fresh, risky, but fresh. Ghostface has always been just a regular human with a knife, it’s plausible that someone trained would beat them. And Tara surviving just needs to happen for the plot to happen, so, you know,” she finished kinda sheepishly and you nodded smiling as the two of you continued talking for hours after that.

~X~

When Jenna came back to her hotel room that night it was already close to midnight, and you met up just a bit after three o’clock! She leaned back against the door of her hotel room, not even aware of the smile on her face as she closed her eyes. She had to admit she was worried about spending a portion of her day off like this, but not only did she spent more time with you than she anticipated, but she didn’t regret it one bit.

She pulled her phone out of her purse for the first time in almost nine hours and immediately wished for ground to swallow her whole. All the excitement and fun of the day just vanished into thin air, replaced by anxiety squeezing at her heart. She couldn’t even count the number of missed calls and texts from her family and Enrique, as well as Maddie. She took a deep breath, calming down her anxiety and calling her mom. For a moment she considered calling Aliyah, and letting her spread the news that she was fine, but she knew she had to reassure her mom herself.

“Jenna Marie Ortega, you’ve shortened my life by a decade!” her mom immediately shouted, and Jenna honestly couldn’t blame her. When she met up with Maddie before the movie they met up early and while they spent more time together they separated at a much earlier hour. This time Jenna didn’t even consider taking the time to call anyone while she was with you.

“Sorry!” she quickly apologized. “I’m fine, I promise, we just lost track of time,” she said sheepishly. And you did, the diner closed at ten and you really should have gone separate ways at that point, but Jenna offered you a walk, which ended up taking you both to a park.

“God help me, Jenna,” her mom sighed, but she could hear the immeasurable relief in her mom’s voice, and her guilt seemed to increase tenfold due to that.

“If it makes you feel any better, she walked me back to the hotel,” Jenna offered, remembering how you insisted on walking her back to the hotel, refusing to let her walk alone this late at night, and promising you’d send her a message when you came back to your hotel room. You parted ways with a hug, firmer than the one you had when you met up. Longer as well.

“I’m guessing it went well?” as if the time she spent with you wasn’t the answer to that question already.

She smiled once more, remembering just how often you made her laugh today, how many times you made her feel heard and seen with each topic either of you started. Going back and forth, discussing different ideas, talking about childhood. She found out you were an only child, but not much else about your family. But you did tell her about your experience as a child actress for a bit. And only then did Jenna realize she forgot to ask which movie you were in. A question for another day, she supposed. “I can’t remember the last time I had such a good time,” she easily admitted, feeling excited to work with you and eventually get to know you even better.

Her mom softened up at that, there was no doubt about it. “I can hear it in your voice,” she pointed out. “Don’t stay up too late, okay? I’ll tell everyone you’re fine, I love you,” and Jenna was thankful for that, she really wanted to go to sleep as quickly as possible.

“Thanks mom, love you too,” she hung up and smiled when her phone buzzed again.

23:57 Y/N L/N: Safe and sound. Sleep well, Jen

Jen… She just now noticed that at some point during the day you began calling her by a nickname.

She was worried about Scream. She was worried about the opening scene, about living up to what they were trying to do, and she was still worried about that. But this, meeting up with you, it eased her bigger worries. You had a kiss together, you would be carrying her, not to mention all the scenes you’d have in bed, lying next to each other. So, she was worried about all of that, worried about not getting along with someone she’s supposed to film all those scenes with, to hug and be held, and to kiss with.

There was no need to worry about that. If today was any indication she would be more than comfortable with you on and off camera.

~X~

You arrived at the hotel a day before the shooting began, and you settled in, appreciating that the room had pretty much everything you would need. And though the hotel itself didn’t have a gym there was one nearby in case you felt the need, or more likely, had the time to get a workout in.

You sent Barbara and Tom a message, letting them know you arrived and that things were going well. There was no one else to contact, the directors knew you arrived, so you just pulled out the script you were given, the final script, and began reading through it. The role you got did, in fact, require at least the build of an MMA fighter, preferably with skills to back it up, you certainly had an intense action scene coming up.

What caught your attention was just how physical the relationship between your character and Jenna’s character was. In damn near every scene you read where your character was on screen Tara was also present, and every time there was some touch involved, be it holding hands or Tara leaning on C/N. So, they were absolutely right when they got Jenna and you to do chemistry read in person instead over Zoom or some other platform.

A knock on your doors made you set the script aside, about a third of the way read, and you got up to open the doors. The woman you saw in front of your doors looked absolutely beautiful, even more beautiful in person than in the Zoom meeting the entire cast had not too long ago.

“Hi, Melissa, right?” you still wanted to make sure.

Since her mask was hanging beneath her chin you saw the smile on her face. “Yeah, you’re Y/N?” you nodded at that. “Great, could you come with me to my room for a few minutes?” she asked, pointing behind her down and down the hall, and though you were a bit confused you nodded. She didn’t look like she came just to hang out or say hi.

“Of course,” with that you closed the doors behind you and followed Melissa through the halls. The hotel you were staying in had pictures hung on the walls, beautiful paintings, some abstract art, modern and more traditional, pretty much something for everyone, without a clear theme. Or, at least, you weren’t sure if there was a pattern. Granted, you just arrived and didn’t have time to observe it closely. Still, it was pleasant to see.

“So, I managed to find something out,” she said and you glanced toward her. “And I’ve been wondering if you’re interested in helping us out?” you still had no idea what she was talking about, but when you came into her room you found most of your costars close to you in age. Jasmin, Mason, Mikey, Jack, Dylan and Sonia were there.

“Hey there,” you raised your hand to greet them, though you definitely noticed Jenna wasn’t there. She probably didn’t arrive yet, and you’d be lying if you said you weren’t really looking forward to seeing her again. “So, what’s up?”

“Jenna is turning eighteen on Sunday, so, would you like to help us make a bit of a party for her?” Melissa explained and you grinned.

“Count me in,” somehow the birthday dates never came up when you two hung out in Los Angeles, but you were more than happy to help with this. The time you spent with Jenna that day was easily one of the best days you had in a long time. You felt at ease, relaxed, there was no pressure, or any kind of judgment in her eyes. She was just accepting, a wonderful person and you couldn’t think of any you’d work on this movie with you’d rather do this for.

“Great, what can you do?” Mikey asked, and that got you thinking. What would be the best way to help with this surprise birthday party? Well, you knew your answer, the question was how much could you hide from Jenna?

“I can cook,” and that, funnily enough, got your costars laughing, after all that was one of the things your character did for a living.

Damn, now it felt a bit like the role was made for you, either way, you sat down and while Jenna was oblivious to what was happening in Melissa’s room all of you began making plans for Sunday.

A/N: I am still very much on the fence about this, but, here you go, the first chapter. Tell me what you think, and I dunno... Taglist? Yes? No?

Masterlist / Next part

[sout999]

adhd talk

the third truly unsung project alongside my film and dissertation was the weird amount of targeted effort i had to put into Completing Anything Big As A Neurodivergent Person Whose Brain Is A Crazy Off The Rails Train Staffed and Patronised Entirely By Multiple Exact Copies Of The Squirrel From Ice Age

which is a description like 99/100 people reading this can relate to, but i think a sentiment i see less often and therefore feel kind of stupid and stubborn and lonesome about is "adhd is innate but is also exasperated by hectic lifestyle/modern instant gratification machines so if i fix my habits around those i can cure myself forever". which is silly and wrong but also i feel abit disconnected from adhd social media culture and cant cope just relating to it (which is all it seems to be sometimes) but learning to harness or tame it to do the things that are really important to me

i felt really cringe tbh having to look up youtube videos of HARVARD STUDENT REVEALS PRO STUDY TRICK and then narrowing it down to specifically adhd-focused study videos and keeping a planner and setting aside specific time to study studying and practising anti-academic meltdown journaling techniques and reading fucking atomic habits but i really didn't want to contribute to my abhorrent academic record following me all through undergrad. in fact i wish i had done this sooner but i was not self aware enough to consider the fact

probably the best change i made was severely cutting down or being mindful of social media time, i don't backread my tl anymore and have more moments of awareness when i find myself dumbly scrolling and realize i dont want to be doing this, and then wondering what i actually Do want to be doing. i keep a book nearby to read, and have also swapped a lot of social media time to sketching-off-pinterest time. reading about the psychology behind social media apps is also super interesting, although i always feel like a paranoid wacko conspiracy theorist talking about it. stuff like how negativity and judgemental behaviour is good for engagement (and therefore ad revenue), and how if all posts on your tl were interesting you wouldn't be as addicted to social media as you are, therefore microblogging employs a slot machine/gacha system where you "roll" for posts by logging on and hope to get a good one. it's a little full on but the more i think of it as a revolting and evil machine the more incentive i have to do something else with my time ^q^

a harder thing to do was, in the late stages of the project, the real crunch time month, avoid everything that could become a huge hyperfixation, and then eventually even minor distractions or fixations. because i know if i got super obsessed with something i'd just be up posting about it or drawing fanart. i had to bar myself from persona 3 remake and elden ring dlc and all these other shiny new releases, and the mobile games i was playing... i look forward to catching up on them now. i took up reading books a lot more because unfortunately thats just not as exciting. in the last month of film work i stopped listening to music on my computer so i wouldnt get drawing or animation ideas to distract me from film work. as of writing this i havent listened to music in like 40 days guys 😱 at the same time i am the kind of person who needs background noise to work, so i have:

watched novum's four hour hereditary video essay three times

watched novum's seven hour midsomar video essay three times

watched that one five hour bojack horseman retrospective twice

listened to audiobooks of the Britney Spears biography, Jennette McCurdy biography, three Playboy Bunny biographies (i was on some sort of lady bopgraphy kick i guess), and a few fiction books

rewatched all of bojack horseman

started on House MD and got a few seasons in before i finished the project, amazingly the perfect show to look away from bc of all the medical stuff, how many lumbar punctures do you need to show like seriously

honorable mention to the learned skill of communication and being honest and picking your battles and killing your darlings which is a larger part of managing mental illness than i cared to admit but one of the hardest ones because it involved confronting things and making big painful drastic changes and then having to tell the faculty about them. sometimes i'd be stuck on a piece of animation work for weeks/months, then go back and change the underlying idea to one i'm actually passionate about, and do the animation work in one day using newly found magical hyperfocus passion power. it's crazy! but being able to be confident about taking those steps rather than keeping on with what you're "supposed" to do went a long way.

i very much look forward to listening to a music and playing some video games properly now and being pulverized like a small victorian child from the sheer amount of fun i'm having. i'd say it was all worth it and a fun experiment in channeling the magical humours of passion and boredom and i hope it will help me with future projects too. i Am super burnt out though x__ x thanks for reading and for all your support up until now!

[another-whump-sideblog]

Fixing Tracy — Battle of Wills

TWs in the tags

Masterlist

Worried that she’ll actually fall asleep if she pretends to go to sleep, Tracy closes the bedroom door so that Molly can’t see her. It means she won’t be able to watch Molly, either, but that’s fine. That’s fine.

Tracy paces the room and waits for the light coming from under the door to turn off. Molly will turn off the lights when she’s done reading, surely, and then Tracy will wait an hour or so, and then she’ll go take the keys and cattle prods.

As she waits and paces, Tracy runs through the alphabet over and over in her head. She has books in the room, but she can’t read them without turning on the lights, which would let Molly know she’s awake, which would make Molly less likely to go to sleep. Luckily, Tracy has already developed strategies to make waiting in situations like this less miserable.

She goes over each letter of the alphabet and its corresponding number over and over again. A one, B two, and on and on and on. Then she picks random numbers to see if she can remember the letter associated. Then she starts practicing spelling out words using the associated numbers. Not only does this occupy her mind, but it helps her develop the skills of alphabetizing and using letter number ciphers! Even without anything besides her mind, she can be productive.

When the alphabet gets boring, she starts practicing holding her breath. She read somewhere that with enough training, some people can hold their breath for up to 12 minutes, and she hopes to get there someday.

The light never turns off. Maybe Molly won’t turn it off, and will fall asleep with it on… Tracy does some push ups, but not too many since she doesn’t want to be sore while trying to run away. Should she even be pacing? It might be best to conserve her energy.

The lights are still on. Tracy opens the door a crack to see if Molly is still reading.

She is. The door creaks and Molly looks up at Tracy. Tracy slams the door shut quickly.

That was stupid. She wants Molly to think she trusts her. She opens the door again.

“Um… what are you reading?”

“It’s called Atomic Habits. You don’t have to pretend to be interested, it’s a self help book, and I know you hate those.”

“Oh. But you like self help books? You’re enjoying it? It’s… pretty late, isn’t it? And… I know you were up a while last night cleaning up the stuff I broke…”

Molly laughs. “Subtle. Yes, I enjoy self help books. No, you’re not going to get a chance to take the keys or cattle prods from me, so you can relax. You have no control, there’s no way for you to get out of here, you’re allowed to just rest. Are you struggling to fall asleep? I can get you some melatonin."

"No." She has to fall asleep eventually. Tracy just has to wait.

“Dear… staying awake this long is hurting yourself, and I can’t just let you hurt yourself.”

“You’ve been awake just as long as I have!”

Molly sighs. “You’re right. I’ve been a bad example. I hoped that you would go to sleep on your own if you felt like you couldn’t escape, and that I could help with that by staying awake. But you’re right. Trying to wait each other out isn’t good for either of us. I just… I mean, I’m sure we both want to avoid me drugging you or restraining you.”

Tracy’s such an idiot. Molly isn’t going to fall asleep in front of her unless Tracy’s incapacitated in some way. How many times will she have to learn that Molly’s smart before it sinks in? “Will you— you want to fix me. Will you let me go when I’m fixed?”

“You don’t need to worry about that. None of this is in your control at all. You have no blame in this, and no one could ever think you were wrong for resting when you have no other choice. Nothing you do will change anything about this, it’s all me. My responsibility. I will never give you any choice in your staying here, whether I trust you or not, whether I consider you fixed or not, because giving you that choice would make you feel guilty. It’s up to me and only me.”

Molly was never going to sleep in front of Tracy and give her a chance to get the keys and cattle prods, even if Tracy had managed to convince her that she was perfectly happy with being kidnapped. Even if Tracy had done everything perfectly, Molly would’ve refused to sleep until she was sure there was no way for Tracy to escape, because she sees removing that choice as a kindness. Tracy is completely and utterly powerless.

She closes her door, lets herself fall into bed, and goes to sleep.

Tag list: @whumpyourdamnpears

[emwritesstuff]

as the world caves in | ch. 10 | bucky barnes x reader

synopsis: You are a ghost story. A former Air Force pilot who had her plane shot down by Germany in 1945, but here you were in 2023, alive and frozen in your 25-year-old body.

You haven’t seen Bucky since the 1940’s, before his fall, before you went on a suicide mission only to come back alive. You aren’t sure reliving those memories – and being a living memory of everything the man has lost – is the best for him.

But you and Bucky won’t be apart for long.

This will loosely follow the plot of TFATWS - so spoilers ahead, specially regarding episode six (finale). Thread carefully!

masterlist | AO3

notes: wheewoo. it's been a while, and I hope you guys - whoever still reads this - enjoy this. I'm so so sorry for taking so long. We're nearing the end. iykyk. (warnings: fluff, angst, mentions of the apocalypse and atomic bombs, mentions of death, wwii) (word count: 4.5K)

ten: coffee

The aroma of coffee filled your nostrils as you stirred awake. You stretched your limbs on your bed as the soft sunrays of the early morning entered through the window.

Your feet made little noise as you padded towards the smell, though you knew Bucky’s super-soldier ears would pick it up anyway.

“Mornin’.” The husk of his voice, of his first word of the day, made your heart skip a beat. It was like a record you could keep forever on repeat.

You were almost glad he kept his back turned so he didn’t see you bite your lip and subsequently roll your eyes at your own reaction.

“Good morning.” You say it back once you get to the kitchen, smiling at him as you watched him move around. “Coffee?”

“Yeah. Here.” He slid a mug to you and took one for himself, seemingly satisfied with his job as you see him give a little nod after a sip.

You whispered your thanks and brought the drink to your lips, feeling the warmth of it through the ceramic. The reaction was immediate – as soon as you tasted it, your nose crinkled.

It’s sweet, the gesture itself surely was sweet. It’s too damn sweet.

Bucky had put sugar into the coffee pot.

“I cannot believe you.”

Your guilty, deer-in-headlights eyes looked up at him, who’s staring at you with a bewildered frown.

“It’s fine—”

“No!”

“I barely— I’ll still drink it!” You took another sip, licking your lips in sequence.

So. Much. Sugar.

“You can’t even pretend you don’t hate it.” He said, shaking his head. “And you call yourself a spy? With that face?”

“I was one,” You clicked your tongue. “All this time and you didn’t learn how to make coffee properly.”

“This is— it’s practical.” He rolled his eyes, sipping his sugary coffee. You followed. “Stop it.”

“I’m drinking it! You made it for me.” It wasn’t how your old-habits-self preferred it, but you have had it worse. Although somehow, that was making Bucky more annoyed instead of appeasing him.

He glared at you indignantly when you tell him you’re doing it to show your appreciation, then setting the mug down when he huffed. “What now?”

“Nothing.” Bucky stared at your ceiling and you at his profile. You tilted your head when he sighed. “…stupid thing to be arguing about.”

“We argue about stupid things all the time.” You took the coffee in your hands, but didn’t drink. “Argue-d?”

“Still do. Like when I tied your arm sling too tight.”

You grumbled that it was indeed too god-damned tight, and Bucky chuckled.

In truth, you had missed this. Even the bickering, yes, how the two of you were too stubborn to give in their very specific ways of doing everyday things. It made you feel alive, like you too had been frozen on ice with your two best friends.

One sip from you and Bucky was licking his teeth. He was faking the outrage, you could tell as you grinned at him.

 “If Steve was here—” You started, making him turn to you with a resigned smile.

“He’d just fix everything. Mediate, the Stevie thing he used to do. He hated us arguing.”

Disturbed his peace.

“I suppose now someone’s gotta...?”

The phone chimed before you could finish your sentence. It was Sam.

You coming, Top Gun?

You chewed at your nail as you read the words, transmitting them on to Bucky next to you. He nodded, cursing under his breath that he’d agreed to this cookout in the first place.

Bring Robocop with you.

You assured Sam – and Bucky too – he’d be there.

“I’ll complain the whole time.”

“That’s okay. He knows how you are already,” You joked, leaving the kitchen with your coffee in hand. He wouldn’t complain, at least not the entire time. You could see him having a fairly good time with Sam’s family and friends, even if he’d insist he wasn’t a people person anymore.

Before you disappeared into your room to pack, you turned to look at Bucky again. He was watching you from the kitchen counter, a small smile dancing on the corner of his lips.

Then it hit the realization that he’d stayed over. Actually stayed, and still made no signs of wanting to leave. You wondered if he had noticed that and didn’t care or if it was an inertia driven thing. One thing you knew: Bucky looked right where he belonged between your yellow kitchen tiles and mid-century cabinets. With his overly sweet coffee and darkened eyebags and sagging, tired, relaxed shoulders.

“What are you wearing?”

“A sundress. And a hat.” You smoothed the fabric, checking yourself one last time before you two left the hangar.

“I know it’s a dress, but—”

“Then why are you asking?” This made Bucky huff, his metal fingers tightening over the cake packaging.

Who brings birthday cake to a cookout? He grumbled about how it’s so much skin. You ignored it, because he didn’t have the right to complain about your attire, considering his own. “Listen, you might like getting a heatstroke with all that leather, but it’s warm today so I’m going to wear my dress.”

“Yeah, yeah, diss the jacket. But don’t come runnin’ after me when you get cold later.”

“Deal.”

“Deal.”

It was a short walk to the docks and the small crowd that were Sam’s friends and family. The welcome that was given by the new Captain America’s closest warmed your heart – soon enough, you and him were mingling, eating, giggling on a corner with Sarah about how all the kids and some adults were completely smitten with Bucky. She teased about how you were, too.

Even the cake was somewhat of a success. Bucky made sure to throw that on your face.

The day breezed by, and you only noticed the passing of time when fireflies started twinkling as the sun disappeared behind the river.

 “This doesn’t look like your jacket.” Sam hummed, joining you at a picnic table, a smirk on his face. You threw a lemon slice at him.

Bucky’s jacket felt heavy over your body. The warmth you got from it probably showed on your cheeks, but you had no intention of facing the chill of the night with bare shoulders now that it was offered to you.

“Shut it.”

“Just sayin’, just sayin’.” He laughed. You shook your head, casually sipping your cranberry limeade. “And all you had to do was look mildly cold. He left me talking to myself to put that over you.”

You smiled. There was no denying how that made you feel; especially to Sam Wilson who was now giving you an eyebrow wiggle.

Your smile dropped a little.

“Sam…I can’t.” You sighed. “Not now. Things are finally good as they are, and—”

“Are they?”

Sam was looking at you, in that Sam way that looked right into your soul.  You felt small, like you were maybe, ten, and not a-hundred-and-six years old.

“Yes. I just got him back. I already made the wrong call once, and I won’t do it again. Heartache be damned. I lived 70 years of it, hopeless and this… this is more than what I could ask for. Things are good.” You let out a breathless sigh. “Golly, say something before I start rattling on again.”

“Wow, that makes you sound so...” Sam started laughing when you kicked his shin, and amidst your own laughter you confirmed that yes, you were in fact old. “I was gonna say vintage!”

“And speaking of vintage,” He continued, and that’s when you finally realized the song that was playing.

Time after time

I tell myself that I'm so lucky to be loving you

People around you were saying oohs and aahs, couples new and old gathering to dance below the string lights while you glared at Sam. “You planned this?”

“Hey, don’t look at me. Look behind you.”

A hand was extended in your direction when you turned.

So lucky to be

Bucky was grinning down at you while you stared at him, dumbfounded. “C’mon, sugar. Don’t leave me hangin’, yeah?”

You took his hand quickly, shrugged his jacket off your shoulders and then you two stepped into to the spontaneous dance floor that had formed.

The one you run to see

“I haven’t done this in a long time.” He said and you looked at him, so beautiful under the dim lights. “Sorry if I step on your feet.”

All you could do was gaze at him, still a bit in awe as he swayed you to Margaret Whiting’s voice. He raised an eyebrow at you. “What?”

“Nothin’. You’re going back to your old ways, then?” You grinned, averting his eyes. “Know who you’re dancing with next?”

He tightened his grip on your waist and you pretended it didn’t make your chest tight.

“No one. I just figured we should… for old times,”

“Right.” You bit your lip. He was staring, and that feeling of being a teenager in love hit again.

“And it’s a good change from all that R&B.”

You laughed.

You've kept my love so young, so new

He made the pair of you spin around, and your eyes met Sarah’s from across the room. She was standing next to the speaker, giving you a thumbs up.

The little shit.

You turn your head, your cheeks reddening as you attempt to hide away in Bucky’s shoulder.

The Wilsons and their meddling. A family of wingmen.

Your new position didn’t help things, because the smell of Bucky’s cologne and the way he pulled you flush against him had your heart beating wildly inside your ribcage.

His was too. You could feel it, almost hear it this close.

You told yourself it was from the audience you only now were noticing. The other pairs were gone, leaving just the two of you dancing. You looked up at him, finally.

“Buck.”

He hummed, meeting your gaze. His eyes had a sparkle to them. Something different in the blue. Something secret.

And time after time

You'll hear me say that I'm

Your lips parted, words at the tip of your tongue.

So lucky to be loving you

“You guys want another song?” Sam’s voice cut through the crowd, and pulled you from whatever daze you had been caught in.

Bucky grumbled and you stepped back, the wind chilly on your back now that you were out of his embrace.

You felt cemented to the floor, caught and exposed. The arms you had been safely tucked in gone from around you. Only turned when Bucky stomped past you, nearly knocking shoulders with Sam in the process.

Some wingman he was.

People returned to the dance floor as soon as a dancey 80’s ballad blasted through the speaker. Your dance partner from a minute ago nowhere to be seen. “I’m here to rescue you,” Sarah took your hand, leading you away from the eye of the hurricane.

They managed to squeeze three songs in before the rain started. Bucky’s sudden sour mood seemed to have summoned the clouds, now pouring themselves noisily over the tent you had sheltered under.

“I guess I ruined the mood, huh?”

“Goodness grief, Sam.” You chided, wrapping your arms around yourself. The chill now biting harder with the rain. “There was no mood. Everyone was watching. He’s—”

Embarrassed. “Self-conscious. You know.”

Sam nodded, and you went back to scanning your surroundings for any signs of Bucky.

“There was a little mood though.”

“Shut up.”

“Sorry, sorry!”

You were ready to berate him some more when you were enveloped in something warm, your eyes seeing leather and metal before you could turn and see Bucky, right at your back.

Soaked. To the bone, water dripping from him as he helped tighten the jacket around your shoulders. “James—!”

“’M sorry about earlier. I—” He then looked behind you, seemingly noticing the other people also huddled under the tent.

Sam was looking everywhere but at the two of you. He murmured something like Not here. Not even here.

“You wanna go?” You offered quietly, and Bucky’s eyes softened in gratitude.

“You guys can’t fly in this weather!” Sam poked his head at your side, and as if to hammer his point down thunder rumbled above all of you.

Suddenly even you felt too crammed and claustrophobic in the middle of everyone else. You were sure Bucky did too, his fingers tightening on your shoulders as the rain picked up.

“It’s fine. I’m used to—”

“He’s right. We can go back tomorrow.” Bucky rolled his eyes when Sam looked at him in shock, and you chuckled.

“Wait wait wait. Can you repeat that? On record—”

“No.”

“Sam…”

“Fine.” He tutted, and you sighed. ”You guys want to stay at the house?”

“No.” Bucky repeated, and you surprised yourself with the relief that hit you. “We’ll get a hotel or somethin’.”

“Carlos can drive y’all to the Monte Carlo? He’s going too.”

You couldn’t be more thankful for Sarah right now.

You used Bucky’s jacket to cover your head as the two of you ran from Carlos’ truck to the Monte Carlo Motel. A quick wave at him and you were inside, making your clumsy ways to the reception.

The girl behind the desk looked warily at Bucky and his soaked self, although it could also be because of the exposed metal arm.

“Hi, uh—one double room?”

You and Bucky blurted out a panicked no at the same time, locking eyes as the receptionist scrambled for another key. Then you also handed her a credit card at the same time.

“I got it.”

“Buck, it’s fine, I can—”

He scowled. “No. Said I got it.” He placed his metal hand on top of yours with your card and slid his own across the desk. You stared at him, schooling your facial expression to not show the surprise on your face. Nothing you could do about the color on your cheeks, though.

He sensed your eyes on him and looked at you, making you bite your lip. It’s like you’d forgotten how dominating he could be, and how it made you feel some type of way.

You blinked it away.  “You gonna ask for a vet discount? Senior?”

Bucky clicked his tongue, shaking his head. “Are you?”

“No one would believe me.”

“But would believe me?”

“You have that old man grouchiness to ya.” You said, shrugging. He shot you one of his glares.

“Iraq?” The receptionist pulled you two away from the bickering, giving Bucky’s card back and two room keys.

“Normandy,” Answered simultaneously, earning a chuckle out of you. She shot you a disbelieving smile.

“Told you she wouldn’t believe me.” You quipped as you went up the stairs.

“Oh, come on.”

You laughed, elbowing him playfully once you reached him at the top of the stairs. “She would’ve if she knew your music taste.”

“My music taste?” You squinted.

“I wasn’t listening to Vera Lynn on a random Thursday night.”

“That’s ‘cus you can’t operate a Bluetooth speaker.”

He rolled his eyes, huffing in annoyance. It came easy to you, the provocations, a much palatable feeling than the awkwardness from before. Bucky then turned to assess which way your rooms were in, leaving you to follow him as he trudged through the corridor.

He stopped in front of the 304, handing you one of the keys. “Mine is at the other side of the building I’m guessing.” The numbers 323 shown on his own keychain proved that to you.

It was both comforting and disappointing that you wouldn’t be sharing a wall.

“Alright,” You said, opening the door.

“Y/N, I—Sorry about earlier. About leaving like that.” He let out a heavy breath when you turned to look at him, hand on the doorknob.

“It’s okay. I’ve never been the greatest dancer.” You shot him a crooked grin, and he shook his head, expression still solemn.

“It wasn’t you— I panicked. The starin’…” He cast his eyes down, at his feet, and you gave his bicep a squeeze.

“I know. Nerve wracking,” You said softly, still a bit restless from earlier. “I loved dancing with you though.”

Bucky raised his gaze, meeting your own. Lips parted. Eyes darting down to lips. Nodded once. “Me too, sugar.”

You smiled. The words almost falling from the tip of your tongue again.

“I—”

“I should— get to my room,”

“Yeah. Okay.”

“G’night, then.”

You hummed. “Night, Buck.”

You had to fight the urge to slide down the door once you closed it, after watching his frame disappear around the corner.

The confession had almost come out of you, almost ruining everything. It was enough how you felt, how your pulse raced. How your fingers burned, wanting to touch. Those words were the one thing you managed to keep together.

90 years and counting.

You hoped, prayed – at whichever entity that lived above the ceiling – for sleep to take you before you could lose control of everything.

It was supposed to be a secret mission, with slim possibility of return. You and two other WASP pilots were to fly over Belgium and drop supplies to the men resisting at the Ardennes, knowing there was no chance the Luftwaffe wouldn’t bomb you as you crossed over their skies. The hundreds of men running out of food and medical supplies, struggling to resist Germany’s attacks, left you no option.

The three of you knew this would to be the outcome. You were ready to die trying.

“Goddamnit, Webster!” You shouted to yourself, Maggie’s intercoms no longer functioning as her cockpit was blown to smithereens from a German plane’s bomb.

There was only you and them in the air now, Dana Miller lost on the fly in. You could only hope her aircraft was the only casualty.

Thunder boomed right beside you. Except it was an array of shots that had destroyed your right turbine, causing your plane to lean comically to one side. Comically, yes, because laughs bubbled desperately out of your chest at the sight.

A few more miles and you’d be out of German occupied territory.

You only had to keep it together a little longer.

When gaining altitude became a lost battle to simply trying to keep your plane in the air, the Germans were nowhere to be seen. The RAF zooming by seconds later made you breathe a sign of relief.

You knew from the start returning home was unlikely. It mattered very little. One of your dog tags had lost its pair to the Alps. Steve had told you through radio before the rumors could reach you.

Bucky wasn’t coming home. What on Earth would be left for you if you did?

You grasped the chain around your neck as your plane plummeted towards the Belgian grass fields. The world at its end.

One Mississippi. Two Mississippi. Three—

You woke with a start, gasping for air as if you’ve been held underwater for too long. The covers had been kicked off you during the night, but even without them you still felt hot and choked up.

It’s been a long time since those kinds of dreams disturbed your sleep, you managing to keep them at bay enough that it was rare when they came now. Never unfamiliar though.

With a long sigh, you tried to pull it together. Washed your face in the sink. Drank some water and eyed the mini liquor bottles in the fridge. None worked. The sense of urgency overpowered you.

The feeling that everything was collapsing; that your plane was crashing over Belgium, half of it on fire, your sisters in arms gone, your two best friends gone.

You left your room with Bucky’s jacket held tightly against your chest, barely feeling the chill of the humid night air as you made your way down to the reception or wherever you could find something to distract you.

You found him on the landing after the first flight of stairs, leaning against the railing.

“Hey,” You called out softly, and Bucky turns to you in surprise. It goes away as soon as it comes, the moment he understands.

“Can’t sleep?”

You shake your head. “Bad dream.” You explained, and he nodded. Extended a paper cup in your direction, not saying anything. You took it gratefully, pausing before the first sip. “Did you—?”

Bucky gave you a tired smirk. “Two sugars, sugar. Still shit though.”

The pet name made you bite your lip. “Can’t be worse than Army coffee,” You shrugged. He was right though. It was shit. Tasted terribly, even worse than Bucky’s brew in the morning.

He chuckled bitterly at the face you made; his tone still light despite it. “And you still complain about mine.”

“Both taught me to appreciate the good coffees in life.”

Bucky clicked his tongue, and you both laughed. You shift, alternating the balance from one foot to the other. Wonder if you should say it.

Best friends don’t keep those things from each other. Best friends talk about their nightmares.

“It was a memory.”

Bucky blinked. Turned to watch your profile. “A memory?”

You hummed. It’s strange, talking about it— it’s not something you’re used to sharing anymore, not even with Steve. Some intimacies were so reserved to Bucky that you forgot you could do them with someone else.

“From when my plane crashed in Belgium. When I became ‘MIA’. Well, at least that’s the story S.H.I.E.L.D. made up while I was recovering from the serum.” Bucky’s eyes were soft when you looked at him finally. “Haven’t had one of those in a long time.”   

Best friends don’t look at each other like that.

“They’re worse than nightmares.” Bucky stepped closer. “To me, at least. It feels… real. Like we’re back there, reliving it again.”

You nodded. Shifted closer, so close you and him were shoulder to shoulder. “It felt like the world was ending.” Shaky breath escaped bitten lips. “Still does.”

“It’s not.” He shook his head as if he’d said the wrong thing. “If it was, we’d know. Two suns in the horizon. See?”

Bucky flexed his fingers, brushing with yours gently. Your eyes followed the horizon he was pointing at with his metal arm, where a single sun began to peek through in orange and purple.

“It did end though, didn’t it? When my plane crashed. When you fell off the train. It ended with the Blip and it ended with Steve,”

He shook his head. “We wouldn’t be here if it had. We’re still here.”

“Not as we were.”

“No. Not as we were.” He sighed, leaning against the railing. His fingers at a distance. Suddenly you felt the need for the jacket. “D’ja think we missed our window, Y/N?”

His question took you by surprise. You blinked, tightening his jacket around you. “I’ve always wanted you with me at the end.”

Bucky frowned, looking at you like you’d grown an extra head. “Not Steve, not anyone else. You. But you weren’t there.”

“What—I wanted you too, but—”

“But I wasn’t there. We missed each other’s ends of the world.”

He shook his head, his eyes scanning your face. Confusion and incredulity stamped so very clearly in his features. You shifted and continued.

“So maybe that’s why it didn’t end. That’s why we’re still here. Maybe… maybe this is our window.”

Realization dawned on him while you bit your tongue. Confession at the tip of it.

A smile softened the lines on his forehead and brightened his eyes. “What if they nuke us right now?”

“Then I’m glad I left my room tonight.”

Bucky offered his hand, splayed open next to you. Your fingers interlaced with his and warmth spread through your body.

“No regrets, sugar?”

“None.” Just the one. You hid your face on his shoulder, hoping he wouldn’t notice the heat on your cheeks or the way your heartbeat picked up.

But that had been a long time ago. Maybe that window was truly lost. But you had this. And if the fiery hues in the sky were from an Armageddon and not the sun, there’s nowhere else you wanted to be.

Bucky kissed the top of your head. Wordlessly telling me too.

You raised your eyes at him, almost saying it. Almost loving him out loud.

“Sugar, I—”

Breath caught, hope spiking. “Yeah?”

A long exhale. “…we should try and sleep. Brooklyn’s a long way from here.”

Disappointment squeezed your heart. Foolish. What else could you be expecting?

“Alright.” You reluctantly got up, handing his jacket back. Not even that could protect you from the icyness at the pit of your stomach.

“No, keep it.” He sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. Red creeping up his neck from under the henley. “You can give it back tomorrow…”

You nodded. Your shoes looked very interesting as you wrapped the jacket around your shoulders again. “Okay. Good night, Buck.”

“Night, sugar.”

You walked away with weighted feet, as if fighting some kind of gravity that pulled you back to that spot next to him on the stairs. Not turning to see if there was an atomic sun lighting up the slow sunrise. Dissolving the world, only for it to reform again and throw you two back where you had always been.

The war. The train. The Blip. Steve.

This night.

Frustration made you hands shake as they hovered over the doorknob. How long could you stand to orbit him, and never make it to the destination? Nothing is made to fly forever.

One regret.

You have always been bold and brazen, except for this. Facing every challenge, fighting every fight, except battling this one fear.

Not this night.

Pretending the light in the horizon signaled the end and your time was running out, you ran back to where you had left Bucky. Relived that afternoon in England when you’d be separated in the morning and you should’ve run back to him. Summoning every ounce of courage the serum had left in your body.

Your resolve was set when Bucky himself rounded the corner. Blue eyes wild and dark brows knitted together in unruly urgency.

“Bucky! I—”

You managed a couple extra steps in his direction when he closed the distance between you, grabbing your face with flesh and metal.

A huff of surprise as you braced for collision.

It came in the form of a kiss, lips crashing into each other, the taste of yearning and coffee on your tongue.

You’d already taken the damn fall.

[citruscloudsandmoon]

Tag people you would like to get to know better

Thank you so much for tagging me @litterateur97 😁❤️ This was fun 😁🤩

Three Ships?

Lxmisa from death note. Have been shipping them since 2016 😍. All it took was this below scene 🤭. So even if they don't make sense, I will make them make sense to you 😘

Kaihil from Beyblade. I shipped them when I didn't know the meaning of shipping 😅 Beyblade V-force was streaming on toonami those days. Back then, I liked seeing Hiromi with both Kai and Tyson 😂. Then years passed. In my gap year, I re-watched both Digimon and Beyblade. And my love for kaihil reignited all over again. It only grew stronger when I was browsing ffn and deviant art all night 😍

Ulquihime from bleach. Funny story about them; I wouldn't have shipped them if it weren't for coming across gorgeous art of them by rboz. Wanting to know more about them, I started watching and reading bleach. So imagine my shock and misery when I came to know what happens in the end 😭🥲 but oh well, such is life and Kubo 😒. Still got the wonderful fandom where I can muse about them 😍❤️

2. First ship?

Kaihil was going to be here but I wouldn't count that because the grip they still have on me is insane 😭😍 So I am going to chose Kaede and Dylan from Mirmo anime

I would watch the show after coming back from school 🥹 the Hindi dub made it all more funnier. I was so happy when Kaede and Dylan got together 😭😍

3. Last song?

Dil Kay Isharay (DKI) by Taha G. It's an Urdu song and Taha G is so talented 💛🌻

4. Last movie?

White Chicks 🌚 this movie never gets old 😂

5. Currently reading?

Atomic habits by James Clear 🥲. I am right now trying to fix my routine and failing quite miserably in it. So while the boat is sinking, I am reading the said self help book to see if it would make any difference. So far it has kept me engaged 👀.

6. Currently watching?

Emily in Paris (S2). You have every right to judge me 🥲 but I just wanted to see what the hype was all about. And even though the show is patsy and Emily is starting to infuriate me (like girl you like Gabriel!!! Why the hell are you insistent in getting him back with his ex?! 😭), I can see why people like it. It's overall light-hearted and funny at some scenes.

Other than that, I am binge watching on friends sitcom along with my sister. Also I am watching the local urdu TV drama as well ' Mujhay pyaar hua tha'.

7. Currently consuming?

Roasted cashews 🤤

8. Currently craving?

Chicken Alfredo pasta 😭

9. Tagging now; @jkrobertson @kaflowypiec @neomoreheroes @green-mint @ishkajules @shewhodancedinthemoonlight, @professorchameleon @squicky-fannish-discourse @smoochme @wolborgie and anyone else who wants to do it 😁

Have fun 🌻

[itsjustthechems]

Excerpt from the fic I'm working on about Deacon's origin story (spoilers!)

If you haven't reached max affinity with Deacon, this post contains spoilers about his final affinity dialogue.

This fic is going to cover his time as a gang member in the University Point Deathclaws, meeting and falling in love with Barbara (who I've decided is a caravan trader), avenging her murder, and finding his place in the Railroad. Later chapters will include his escapades with my fem!Sole Survivor OC, Georgie. Or maybe I'll just post drabbles and random chapters out of order, lol. Who knows. Anyway, enjoy this little excerpt, and let me know if anyone would be interested in reading more.

Context for this scene: Deacon is about 20 here - nearly two decades before the events of the game. Keep in mind that he is young, stupid, and brutal with ass-backwards views at this point in his life. He was sent on a dangerous solo mission to purloin munition from a poorly-manned Gunner stash in Jamaica Plain (a careless decision by the reckless leader of the Deathclaws), and Barbara's trading partner has fallen ill, leaving her to manage business on her own. He encounters her being harassed by a chem addict shaking her down for a fix, and the encounter turns violent. Afterwards, since night has fallen, they hole up together in an empty house, eager to avoid any further conflict until sunrise.

------

“Hey.” Barbara’s voice was soft and tentative, an abrupt change from the goofy timbre of her storytelling.

“Howdy.”

“Thank you for…not killing that guy earlier. He would have had it coming to him, but I’m glad you let him live.”

Deacon froze. That guy didn’t bite it? That was news. She must have seen him still breathing before they fled the scene. “Anytime, toots. For you, I’d let a thousand slimy crooks live.”

The air fell silent and somber, and he hoped to Atom that his feigned flirtatiousness didn’t set her off. He tried to be clearly ingenuine when he made those jokes to her. The fact that she was alone, vulnerable, and holed up with, well, a slimy crook wasn’t lost on him. He knew the sort of fear and disgust he probably instilled in her. Much to his relief, she gave a quiet snort and let it slide.

“I’m serious, though. I want you to know that it doesn’t go unnoticed when you do the right thing. You’ve been cleaning up your act lately and I…I like it.” Her usual eloquence was clearly stunted by the liquor, bashful awkwardness on full display for his enjoyment. Boy, did he enjoy it.

“Yeah?” He egged her on with a chuckle, hoping she’d keep rambling. Preferably about him. If all it took to earn a little attention from her was not swiping from other traders in front of her - which was clearly the new habit she was referring to, then he’d gladly take the threats and glares it earned him for coming back to camp empty-handed. So what if it made him look soft? He wasn’t soft! Or maybe she was talking about that time he’d thrown a kid a few caps to buy an issue of Grognak the Barbarian off her...uh oh.

“Yeah.” Her cheeks burned pink as she studied the floor like she was going to be quizzed on it later. “Knowing you, it’s probably some kind of elaborate prank that you’re pulling on me, but I hope that isn’t the case. Integrity looks good on you.”

“Thanks, I suppose, but I’m unfamiliar with this ‘integrity’ you speak of. Is it French?”

Barbara groaned, the couch creaking in protest as she fell against the back of it, looking dramatically defeated. He took that as encouragement to continue, his grin wide and shit-eating.

“Besides, everything looks good on me. As a matter of fact, you should see me in my birthday suit.”

He watched smugly as she tilted her head back up to fix him with a glare, though it lacked any malevolence. The glare was brief and gave way to an expression of discomfort, or perhaps anxiety.

There’s the nausea, Deacon thought. Heh. Lightweight. If he wasn’t close enough to smell the spirits on her breath, he would attribute the cause of her sudden queasiness to his jokes, but he knew she rarely drank, let alone straight liquor.

He grunted and pitched forward onto his feet to fetch her some kind of receptacle to defile instead of her own clothes and bedroll, but to his bewilderment, he was met with a hand on his chest, tipping him back to his seated position before her. Oh. She’s not sick at all.

[wanderwrite]

How to maintain mental health and balance in the age of information overload?

Rather than aspiring to be talented or excellent, my goal is to be a happy person.

Happiness is an internal pursuit, while talent and excellence are often outwardly directed. Shifting from outward validation to internal exploration has been a profoundly transformative experience for me.

When we focus solely on external factors and strive to attain them, we may become addicted to the resources they offer and to the attention they bring. We label ourselves as successful according to societal standards, and eventually, this behavior can turn against us, leaving us feeling unable to progress any further. Our hidden anxieties, stresses, loneliness, emotional fluctuations, and negative emotions may surface and we may struggle to find a peaceful way to cope with them. This may lead to self-attacks, self-disgust, and an underlying sense of anxiety and tension that constantly lingers within us.

Now, my perspective has been utterly transformed. No longer do I yearn to embrace a future, idealized version of myself, but instead I endeavor to understand, accept, and love the flawed, real, and present me, who is equally deserving of affection.

Though temporal freedom, financial freedom, or even spatial freedom may be laudable pursuits, it is the freedom of energy that represents the pinnacle of true liberation - I seek vitality and joy that is enduring.

What follows is a compilation of personal methods that I have found to be effective in rebuilding my shattered self. These methods include securing a healthy environment, establishing a personalized system of life, grounding myself in the present moment, and expressing my insights through writing - from action to perception to articulation.

1.Protecting Your Information Sources

The environment has a significant impact on shaping who we are as individuals. We are products of our surroundings, and our self-perception largely stems from the information sources and social circles we encounter in our daily lives.

During a Google talk, psychologist Kahneman was asked how to exercise reason in a world manipulated by advertising. His answer was roughly, "Don't expose yourself to these toxic environments. Our intuition and instincts, or what he calls 'System 1,' are powerful and unconscious, always running until we are fooled or manipulated into thinking we are better than we actually are."

Social media platforms like Instagram and Facebook easily inflate our egos and fuel our desires. When we see those tempting lifestyles or others' expansive worldviews, we often experience emotions such as envy, longing, and even jealousy, which can lead to self-doubt and dissatisfaction.

Of course, having desires is not necessarily a bad thing, and it can bring about a surge in motivation. However, it's essential to match our desires with our current energy levels. When my energy is low, I try to avoid browsing through social media and instead focus on expressing myself in a more niche community.

In recent months, I've taken the initiative to isolate myself from information overload. I spend a fixed amount of time reading each day, exploring a more complex world with unfamiliar experiences and broader perspectives. This type of deep reading stimulates deeper thinking and leads to spiritual freedom.

Therefore, we must ask ourselves: what constitutes truly exceptional content?

The answer is simple: an excellent work withstands the test of time, not just fleeting trends. As people's aesthetic and value systems change over time, superior works retain their value and significance across different eras and backgrounds.

2.Building a Stable Life System

A stable life system begins in the early morning, when a large amount of energy is stored.

James Clear, in his best-selling book "Atomic Habits," has said: "Forget about the goals, focus on systems instead." Work is generally energy-consuming, because there is a lot of "ineffective" communication.

Recharge yourself every morning, accept that your body and mind cannot sustain continuous operation, and treat your body well without self-torture or self-exhaustion. The key actions in the morning are nourishing with reading, writing, and exercise, which bring internal drive, persistence, reading, self-control, solitude, early rising, resilience, and mindfulness.

In this process, truly feel the "existence of self," and be with yourself to find happiness. Slowly let go of external demands, external dependencies, and external control. Stay away from social media, establish your own system according to your own order, achieve real efficiency, and start a new day.

Create yourself as a guide. If there is one thing I have learned about happiness, it is that building order in daily life is the true art of self-management.

3.Maintain a sensitivity that is in tune with life.

Oscar Wilde once said: "To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all."

Existence is a result, while living is a state of being. Therefore, I have spent a lot of time learning and experiencing what it means to truly "feel alive". To "feel alive" is to have a vivid and lively energy flowing within oneself. This energy brings me inspiration for creativity, curiosity for new things, a desire to explore the world, and the ability to act with efficiency and decisiveness.

When you wake up each day, instead of waiting to see what the day brings, decide from within what kind of day you want to have. You need to consciously choose how to spend your time, what activities to engage in, and with whom to build connections. Keep an open mind to all possibilities of existence, explore yourself and the world around you, and experience true joy, satisfaction, and meaning.

When I was young, I believed that emotions were more important than work and life. After graduation, I thought work was more important than emotions and life. However, now I believe that life is more important than work and emotions. Here, "life" is just a medium, and its core is about experiencing and learning new knowledge for self-education.

No matter how many setbacks I encounter in both work and relationships, I can always find the power and energy of self-healing from life. Starting from personal experience, I observe, reflect, and creatively construct the small world around us, and transcend myself through self-exploration.

Conclusion：I aspire to gradually establish an inner order that will prevent me from projecting negative subjective feelings onto external information, and instead enable me to actively absorb the energy from external information that can enrich and fulfill my inner world.

From now on, my striving will no longer be directed towards meeting external expectations from parents or society, but towards embodying the values that resonate deeply within me.

[siuwashere]

Coffee and Spilled Ink

01.27.23 | The Brightest of the Dullest of Days

Today started as hectic as it can be and it does not help the fact that I was running late. Really late. I had a lot planned for today but I had to prioritize whats important. The plumbers inside my apartment unit and my college enrollment.

Yes, you read it right. It's my college enrollment week this week and it's one of the most hectic weeks when school is coming up from where I live and enrolling for the term is like entering a battlefield because there are numerous students, parents, and guardians who line up which takes hours of waiting.

But beyond that, I was lucky enough to find a friend. She's like me, a student. The only difference is I am older than her and she's a first year.

Meeting her was great but getting to know her was even better. It was like with just a few questions, shared stories, and rants we suddenly clicked. Like magic, poof! I was really glad that she gave me the time out of her day to have a conversation with me. She even asked why did I choose the program I am enrolled in and I think I answered her question a little too honest but I really wanted to pursue a degree that I enjoy and will be useful in my chosen career.

On the other hand, shw was already into deep in the field she chose to specialize in. Her mom and relatives are from the same field so its really a huge advantage for her.

On my way home, I couldn't help but wonder if I really did the right thing. If it was correct to pursue something I was passionate about. I never thought that such interaction can cause a stir in my head but it made me realize that I wanted this. If I didn't I wouldn't have stayed.

That evening, I decided to fix my mindset that would change the way I do things. I learned in James Clear's book Atomic Habits that the 1% of every action you do every day will all pile up and impact your life massively. This kept me going since I firmly hold onto the belief that the little things in life matter the most.

I wamted to do more so I did.

I wanted to achieve more so I strived.

I wanted to be more so I became more.

Every day, little by little, I am improving the life I have and it certainly made me at least 1% better than it was yesterday.

It's time and I have that time to be greater, better, and make my younger self dream bigger.

"I'll make you proud" is what I say to myself each night and guess what?

I am. I am making myself proud every day.

Xoxo.

Siu.WasHere

[parkerbombshell]

Addictions and Other Vices 934 Fix Mix July - August 2024

Addictions and Other Vices Fridays 4:30 Repeats Saturday 4:30pm EST bombshellradio.com and Sundays 9:30am Thanks to all the artists, labels and PR companies that submitted tracks. #Indie Rock #Alternative Pop #Dream Pop #Post-Punk #Synth-Pop Fix Mix 934 #Addictions 934 1. **Game Six - Bedroom Tax** 2. **Might as Well Know - WAASH** 3. **Part Of You - Four Faces** 4. **Rush - CATBEAR** 5. **Feel So Good - Dream Together** 6. **Inga Hauser - KEELEY** 7. **Hotel Song - Fintan James** 8. **One More Day - Mallory Chipman** 9. **Kiss Like Me - Piper Conolly** 10. **Heart - Amber Elara** 11. **Come Back - Nicky MacKenzie** 12. **COOL - Vikki Minor** 13. **Looking Through The Window - Barry & The Visitors** 14. **Record Cover Girl - Blake Jones & The Trike Shop** 15. **I Am Bleeding Internally - The Dream Eaters** 16. **Seasons Come, Seasons Go - Cuff The Duke** 17. **The River She Knows - Rose Morrison** 18. **On Fire - Ivery** 19. **Take The Punches - Wild Remedy** 20. **Hide and Seek - Courtney Wolfe** 21. **Ain't Life Strange - Julian Taylor** 22. **Mother (Clean) - Burr Island** 23. **Horse in a Sling - Boulder Fields** 24. **When the Music Plays Again - Chapell** 25. **Seasons - Kojak** 26. **Problem Is - Friends of Our Youth** 27. **High Park - Andrew Spice** 28. **Asking - Tendertwin** 29. **Save Me - Astro Cat Collective** 30. **From the Start - Gingham** 31. **The Secrets Out - Andy Jans-Brown** 32. **The Rain Is Not Far - Jenny Risnen** 33. **Looking Glass - Todd Hearon** 34. **Guillotine - Todd Hearon** 35. **I Don't Wanna - Jody and the Jerms** 36. **Rivals - This Is War** 37. **Howlin and Dyin - Johnny Nasty Boots** 38. **Hey - Points** 39. **Dinosaur Song - Monkey Sockets** 40. **Lost and Found - The Things We Never Got Over** 41. **Kicking Habits - NEPS, Ivery** 42. **Skinwalker - Virtual Nobodies** 43. **Lust - RosGos** 44. **Midsummer - Odd Marshall** 45. **Red Box Telephone - Paravida** 46. **John Chesbro - Always and Forever** 47. **Jackob Chacko - Turnaround** 48. **Take This Love - Sun Atoms** 49. **Scenes - T. G. Shand** 50. **House On Fire - Telebox** 51. **Five of Cups - The Adriatic** 52. **Ziggy - Xan Tyler**            

  Addictions and Other Vices

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[avidreadersandemergingwriters]

5 Books That Changed My Life

Your future depends on what you do today.

As someone who reads for both a living and pleasure, I go through a lot of books in a year - from the most serious non-fiction to a wide spectrum of fiction, some of it admittedly frivolous! In the past few years, I have come across a few books that have made a profound and long-lasting impact on the way that I’m living my life. The ideas in these books are meant to become a consistent practice - no immediate quick fixes here.

James Clear wrote, “New goals don't deliver new results. New lifestyles do. And a lifestyle is not an outcome, it is a process. For this reason, all of your energy should go into building better habits, not chasing better results.”

Here is a short list of five books that have helped me to build better habits or daily practices. The results: I’m more focused, organized, productive, relaxed and, most importantly, happier.

Atomic Habits, by James Clear

The Premise:

Tiny, incremental changes lead to remarkable results.

James Clear offers a four-step approach to making tiny, incremental daily changes that lead to remarkable results over the weeks, months and years ahead.  He asserts that if you're having trouble changing your habits, the problem isn't you, it’s your system. Bad habits repeat themselves again and again not because you don't want to change, but because you have the wrong system for change. Develop new systems and instead of focusing on goals, focus on the trajectory you are on. And be willing to change your beliefs about yourself in order to get, and stay on, a positive trajectory.

Some key points:

-       The risk inherent in focussing on goals is that there is nothing to push you forward once you achieve them. Then it’s easy to fall back into bad habits. Focus instead on the long term and continuous improvement

-       Find a regular practice or routine that is small and easy to do. It will be a source of incredible power.

-       Make it so easy you can’t fail and improve on it at small regular time intervals.

-       Be patient. Sometimes it seems like nothing is changing but persevere, stay on the positive trajectory you’ve chosen, and you will experience a tremendous breakthrough.

 What changed for me:

-       I’m now doing a serious workout 3 – 4 times/week

-       I’m reading more books

-       I’m developing a system for writing every day.

-       I’ve given up any food with sugar (or it’s myriad aliases) as one of the top three ingredients.

Essentialism, by Greg McKeown

The Premise:

Time is a non-renewable resource.

The Way of the Essentialist isn’t about squeezing more into each day. It’s about getting only the right things done.  It is a systematic discipline for discerning what is absolutely essential, then eliminating everything that is not, in order to make the highest possible contribution towards the things that really matter to us.  Applying a more selective criteria for what is Essential, empowers us to reclaim control of our own choices about where to spend our precious time and energy - instead of giving others the implicit permission to choose for us.

Some key points:

-       If you aren’t clear on your priorities, you will be hijacked by other people’s agendas.

-       The key is to weed out the vital few from the trivial many, and then ditch the trivial many

-       Focus on no more than three priorities

-       Keep in mind that priorities change over time and be prepared to pivot to a new cluster.

-       Make doing the vital things as effortless as possible: remove obstacles, focus on small steady wins, establish a routine.

What changed for me:

-       I have redefined what success is for me.

-       I’ve reconsidered and retooled my business strategy to allow for more personal time for me by not trying to solve everyone else’s problems.

-       I am now fully focussed on my relationships, my health and long-term well-being.

The Happiness Advantage, by Shawn Achor

The Premise:

Our most commonly held formula for success is broken.   Everything we do is because we want a feeling: happiness. Conventional wisdom holds that if we are successful achieving the goals we’ve set for ourselves, then we’ll be happy. If we can just find that great job, win that next promotion, lose those five pounds, happiness will follow. But discoveries in the field of positive psychology have shown that this is actually backward: Happiness fuels success, not the other way around. When we are positive, our brains become more engaged, creative, motivated, energetic, resilient, and productive at work. This isn’t just an empty mantra. This discovery has been repeatedly borne out by rigorous research in psychology and neuroscience, management studies, and the bottom lines of organizations around the globe.        By isolating seven practical, actionable principles, Shawn Achor shows us how we can capitalize on the Happiness Advantage to improve our performance and maximize our potential. This book isn’t only about how to become happier at work. It’s about how to reap the benefits of a happier and more positive mind-set to achieve the extraordinary in our work and in our lives.

Some key points:

-       There are proven ways we can improve our moods and raise our levels of happiness every day: meditation, planning something to look forward to, planning and committing acts of kindness, finding something positive about our surroundings (20 minutes outside in good weather improves mood and expands thinking and working memory), exercise, spend money on experiences not stuff, do something you’re good at.

-       An attitude of gratitude leads to astonishing results. Our brains are wired to find confirmation of our beliefs. If we believe a good thing has happened, no matter how small, our brains will look for more evidence to support the belief that good things happen to us.

-       Simply believing that we can bring about positive change in our lives increases motivation and performance so that success becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy.

-       If we are able to see a failure as an opportunity for growth, we are more likely to experience growth. Fail forward!

-       One of the biggest drivers of happiness is feeling that our behaviour matters (a sense of purpose) and that we have some control over our outcomes. Don’t go for the home run. Master small tasks and gradually spread your circle of competency outward.

-       Make it harder to succumb to distractions and bad habits.

-       Avoid watching or reading the news. If there is something you really need to know about, someone will tell you.

What has changed for me:

-       I have maintained a daily meditation practice for over almost a full year straight.

-       I strive to note three things I’m grateful for each day

-       No screens for the first hour to 90 minutes of my day. Instead I have a quiet coffee and talk to my husband or I read a book.

-       I am planning more new experiences.

-       I am spending more money on experiences than stuff.

The Meditations of Marcus Aurelius

The Premise:

Your happiness depends on the quality of your thoughts.

 The man had everything: power, fame, money, a loving family and good friends. He also dealt with war, famine, disease and insurrections. But the Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius (A.D. 121–180) still spend time with his journal every day, examining himself and working diligently at getting better being human. In this, he leans on the teachings of the Stoics and how he saw significant figures in his life live their lives. His meditations, or journal entries, still speak to us almost 2,000 years later. 

Some key points:

-       Be grateful for the gift of every new day.

-       If it’s not right, don’t do it. If it’s not true, don’t say it.

-       Practice really hearing what people say. Try to get right into their minds

-       Sanity means tying your well-being to your actions and neither what happens to you nor other’s opinions of you.

-       Your happiness depends on the quality of your thoughts. And you get to choose your thoughts.

-       Don’t fear dying. Fear never living.

What changed for me:

-       I now watch my thoughts. It’s tempting to believe the stories my brain tells me. But just because I believe something, doesn’t mean it’s true. When I find myself getting worked up about something, I stop and ask myself ‘What is real here’.

-       Instead of focussing on success, I am trying (not often very successfully still) to be a better human being.

Why We Sleep, by Matthew Walker, PhD.

The Premise:

Get your sleep. Make it a priority.

Dr Walker clearly demonstrates how we can harness the transformative power of sleep to change our lives for the better. His synthesis of research and clinical practice (spanning decades) gives us a new understanding of the vital importance of sleep and dreaming. Sleep amplifies our ability to learn, memorize, and make logical decisions. It recalibrates our emotions, restocks our immune system, fine-tunes our metabolism, and regulates our appetite. Dreaming eases painful memories and creates a virtual reality space in which the brain melds past and present knowledge to inspire creativity. Walker answers some other important questions about sleep: What really happens during REM sleep? Why do our sleep patterns change across a lifetime?

Some key points:

-       Insufficient sleep causes devastating health consequences

-       In depth discussion as to how we can harness sleep to improve learning, mood, and energy levels; regulate hormones; prevent cancer, Alzheimer’s, and diabetes; slow the effects of aging; increase longevity; enhance the education and lifespan of our children, and boost the efficiency, success, and productivity of our businesses.

-       The effect of common sleep aids and are there undesirable long-term consequences?

-       What are the prime sleep disruptors, such as caffeine and alcohol, and what can we do about them?

 What changed for me:

-       I turn off all electronics one hour before turning off the light

-       I go to be early enough it is possible to get more than eight hours of sleep - and I guard that time fiercely.

-       No caffeine after noon

-       Little or no alcohol or sugar within a few hours of bedtime.

There you have it. Five books that have made a profound difference for me. Still a work in progress, though!

[kuronekoharu]

Master the Art of Habit-Forming: A Summary of James Clear’s “Atomic Habits” and How to Become 37.78 Times Better

Hey there! Have you ever heard of the book “Atomic Habits” by James Clear? If not, let me tell you, it’s a game-changer. In it, Clear suggests that small, consistent changes in behavior can lead to a whopping 37.78 times improvement in any area of our lives over the course of one year. Sounds too good to be true, right? But trust me, it works. Because of this, I’ve become much better and productive in various aspects of my life.

Clear breaks down the concept of “atomic habits,” which are small, actionable steps that can be taken to improve performance in any area of life. The key to creating atomic habits is to focus on the four laws of behavior change:

Make it obvious: Make it easy to start your habit by making it visible.

Make it attractive: Make it more appealing to engage in the habit.

Make it easy: Make it easy to engage in the habit.

Make it satisfying: Make the habit rewarding in order to maintain consistency.

One of the things that I found really helpful from this book is the idea of creating an environment that supports your habits. This includes eliminating distractions, creating a routine, and surrounding yourself with people who have similar goals.

For more information on James Clear’s “Atomic Habits” and how to achieve a 37.78 times improvement in any area of your life, check out this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PZ7lDrwYdZc&t=470s&ab_channel=EscapingOrdinary%28B.CMarx%29

In short, “Atomic Habits” offers a practical, actionable approach to making lasting changes in your life. It’s not a quick fix, but it’s a proven method for achieving long-term success. And the best part is, the changes you make don’t have to be huge. Small, consistent steps lead to big results. Give it a read and see for yourself!

[languagendersex]

Bringing this back, bc I've been feeling it this whole weekend.

Essentially, I just woke up. I woke up.

And I'm blowing all my anxiety away, all my negative feedback loops.

Like the teacher about the above poem said: It makes you feel.

It makes me feel ready to truly live my life now. Before, I was being tugged along through inertia and osmosis learning.

I just read Atomic Habits by James Clear and Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle by the Nagoski sisters, and both have truly changed my life.

It's very simple but hard to keep up with: I stopped caring what other people think, I'm more aware of things I say and do just because of habit, and I'm more caring and friendly towards people I don't know.

Every single aspect of my life is getting better, and I feel like I can breathe again. For so long, it was even in my "about me" description, I've felt like I'm just keeping my head above water. And I realized I wasn't alone. There are thousands of us in this unending ocean of our own misery, and not that there aren't massive changes that need to happen to fix everything, but the small things DO count. And not only do they add up over time, they compound like interest, growing exponentially, in ways you don't even realize as it's happening. The same happens with negative feedback loops and failures.

I'm not claiming to be able to make monumental changes, but there is always something I can do to help. I just have to try, just like they say in the Good Place.

Just try, every day.

Can't stop thinking about the Barbie movie and this poem from My-So-Called Life:

A FABLE

Once upon a time there lived a girl. She slept in a lovely little cottage made of gingerbread and candy. She was always asleep. One morning she woke up, and the candy had mold on it. Her father blew her a kiss and the house fell down. She realized she was lost. She found herself walking down a crowded street, but the people were made of paper, like paper dolls. She blew everyone a kiss goodbye, and watched as they blew away.

[headcanonsandmore]

“Breaktime At The Ministry”

Summary: Hermione finds herself working into the early hours of the morning. Luckily, Ron is there to make sure she is rewarded for her efforts. (A fic to celebrate Hermione’s birthday)

(Warning, this fic contains scenes of a s*xual nature and is not ace safe)

                                                     Read on AO3.

This fic contains: cunnilingus, doggystyle, cowgirl style, office s*x, and some mild allusions to food k*nk.

~~~~~~~~

Bloody typical, it was!

Hermione Granger-Weasley was not in the habit of swearing, but sometimes she couldn’t help it.

It was night-time, at the ministry. Hermione glowered down at the stacks of papers on her desk that she had been sorting through. Even by her standards, this was too much. As a teenager, she would have probably enjoyed this. But, after spending two decades married to a certain wonderful redhead, Hermione had long since stopped enjoying working herself to the bone that much.

God, she wished she was at home. Aside from a few apricots obtained from the café before it closed, Hermione hadn’t eaten in over six hours. Normally, she would be at home, enjoying a quiet Saturday night in, perhaps cuddling in bed with Ron after an excellent lasagne he had cooked from scratch.

But, no, she had been called into the office on short notice. Apparently, there had been a sudden development in a high-profile case, and no-one else in the department with her level of authority was available.

Still, she was almost finished now.

Signing one last paper, Hermione placed it on the desk. Yawning, she rose to her feet, and began to place each paper into the safe set against the wall. Given the amount, this sadly took longer than she would have normally liked.

Finally, she placed the last one inside, and closed the safe door.

Hermione gave another yawn, and locked the safe with a flick of her wand.

‘Ms Granger-Weasley?’

Hermione’s head shot upwards to the door. She knew that voice anywhere.

‘Ron!’

In an instant, she’d crossed the room, and threw her arms around him in a hug. She gave a contented sigh as she leaned into his frame, breathing in his signature Ron scent. He smelled of home. Of baked goods, cuddles on the sofa, and of late night misadventures.

‘I missed you,’ she murmured, as they leaned against her desk. ‘It’s been a long day.’

‘Missed you too, love,’ he whispered, pressing a kiss to the top of her bushy hair. He had placed a large box on the desk. ‘Honestly, of all days for you to get called into work. Still, at least you’ve finished in time.’

‘In time?’ Hermione asked, looking up at him. ‘In time for what?’

Ron chuckled.

‘It’s now the Nineteenth of September. Your birthday.’

‘What?’ Hermione exclaimed, suddenly turning to look at the clock on the wall. Sure enough, midnight had just struck. ‘I’m…’

Her shoulders slumped.

‘I’m older.’

‘Hey, what’s with that tone?’ Ron said, his mouth quirking into his signature lop-sided grin.

‘I’m the oldest one out of our friends!’ she said, miserably. ‘I was born in the seventies, Ron!’

‘Only by a few months!’ Ron chuckled, giving her shoulder a gentle squeeze. ‘You’re barely six months older than me.’

‘Still-’

‘And I seem to recall you having no issues with me getting older.’

‘That’s because you get hotter as you get older!’

Ron’s blue eyes twinkled, and he leaned forward so that he was right up close to her ear.

‘Well,’ he whispered, the tone of his voice sending shivers down Hermione’s neck. ‘Whoever said the same thing wasn’t happening to you too?’

‘V-very funny,’ Hermione stammered, feeling her face flush. Even after almost two decades of marriage, she still found herself shocked that Ron was able to have this effect on her. ‘You’re a tall, handsome redhead. I’m-’

‘Bloody gorgeous,’ Ron whispered. ‘You being a year older isn’t gonna change how mind-bogglingly in love with you I am.’

Ron’s lips met hers, and she found herself clinging to him as their kisses lingered and became emboldened. It was blissful oblivion. Pure and simple. The outside world disappeared. There was only Hermione and the man who loved her.

Eventually, Hermione pulled away, breathlessly.

‘How about you take the weight off your feet, love?’ Ron breathed. ‘You’ve earned it after working so hard.’

With a happy squeal, Hermione found herself lifted off the ground, and placed softly into her desk chair.

‘Why would I need to-’

Hermione’s voice cut off as Ron dropped to his knees before her, his hands sneaking with expert care up her legs to the top of her skirt. His fingers curled around both the pencil skirt and the knickers beneath.

‘R-Ron,’ Hermione stammered, feeling heat begin to pool around her centre. ‘W-We’re in my office…’

‘I know,’ Ron murmured. ‘Is that a problem?’

‘W-well, no… but what if someone turns up?’

Without a word, Ron pulled his wand from his pocket, and pointed it over his shoulder at the door. He was so tall that he didn’t even to reach up high.

Hermione heard the lock in the door click, and the unmistakable buzzing sound that came with a ‘muffliato’ charm.

‘You were saying?’

‘W-well… I… I suppose there isn’t any harm in it-OOOOH…’

She slipped downwards in the chair as Ron’s hand pulled down on her skirt and knickers, the material sliding down her legs. Ron promptly threw them both over his shoulder.

‘You won’t be needing them for a while,’ he growled, as he pulled the chair closer to him. The coolness of the air on her bare skin, as well as the feel of the leather against her bare arse, was oddly thrilling.

‘R-Ron…’ Hermione breathed. ‘D-don’t leave me hanging here…’

The redhead smirked, the desire in his blue eyes encouraged by the soft tremble in his wife’s voice. Ron’s hands began to skim along Hermione’s thighs, sending shivers along her body. The heat in her centre grew stronger, and Hermione found herself perspiring.

‘Wouldn’t dream of it, love.’

‘T-then p-please-oooohhhhh….’

Ron had leaned forward, and his tongue had begun to explore.

Hermione’s legs wrapped around Ron’s head, as her brain began to discombobulate. She was vaguely aware of how constricting her blouse seemed to be as her chest heaved. Her eyes had long since fluttered shut, but she could feel Ron’s mouth still fixed in a grin against her centre.

‘Oooh… f-fuck… Ron… oh, god…’

One of Ron’s hands began to explore further up her body, his fingers skimming over her blouse. With a quick flick of his fingers, the buttons were undone. His hand came to rest on her left breast, fondling her through the lace bra she was wearing. The heat was now roaring through Hermione’s body, concentrating every atom of her being on the pleasure that was emanating from her centre.

‘R-Ron… I’m… almost…’

Ron chuckled against her, and Hermione let out a breathy gasp.

‘Do it, love,’ Ron whispered. ‘Fuck, I love you…’

Her body gave one last tremble, and Hermione felt her orgasm erupt. Her limbs sprawled out as the full force of her ecstasy rolled over her, pulsing through her being over and over again.

Gasping, she fell back against the chair.

‘Merlin, ‘Mione,’ Ron breathed, emerging from under her skirt. ‘You’re so beautiful…’

He climbed to his feet, and leaned forward, kissing her softly on the mouth. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders, still half-dazed. God, Ron knew just what buttons to push with her, and Hermione was not complaining!

‘R-Ron…’

Ron’s eyes glinted in the candlelight as he stared down at her.

‘‘Mione…’

With a growl, Ron pulled Hermione to her feet, wrapped his arms around her waist as he pressed their lips together. Hermione shivered as she felt his girth throb against her stomach.

‘Someone’s excited,’ she whispered, against his lips.

‘Can you blame me?’ Ron growled, his hands now fondling her arse cheeks. ‘Merlin, ‘Mione, you drive me wild…’

Ron’s expert hands rose up her back, and a few seconds later her blouse dropped to the floor. Ron’s shirt and trousers quickly followed. Hermione felt her centre grow hotter as Ron’s pectoral muscles flexed before her. God, why was he so sexy?

‘Been a while since I was naked in the office’ she said, as Ron’s hands undid the clasp of her bra. The lacy item joined the rest of Hermione’s clothes on the floor. The reaction from Ron’s nether regions was immediate, and Hermione felt her breathing continue to grow heavier.

‘Must be at least a year,’ the redhead replied, his eyes glinting as he stared down at her. ‘Shame we can’t make this a routine.’

Ron picked his wand up where he had left in on the desk, and cast a non-verbal spell. The tell-tale signs of the contraception charm washed over them, leaving a brief purple light that disappeared after a few seconds.

‘I’m… I’m the head of the department,’ Hermione gasped, pulling down on Ron’s black boxer-briefs. ‘I can’t make a habit of shagging my husband in office hours.’

‘True,’ Ron replied, kissing her neck as he stepped out the offending material pooled around his ankles. ‘But we’re not in office hours, Hermione. And speaking of shagging…’

With a deep growl, Ron spun Hermione around, so that she was pressed up against her desk. One of his hands reached around her, closing around her left breast. Ron’s lips met hers once again, and Hermione found herself pressing her arse up against Ron’s girth.

‘Do it,’ she gasped, reaching up to wrap her fingers into Ron’s hair. ‘Make love to me, Ron.’

Ron surged forward, and Hermione was struck by the familiar sensation of being filled. The heat pulsing through her body grew more intense by the moment, as Ron continued to buck against her.

‘F-fuck,’ Ron growled, into her ear. ‘‘Mione…’

‘Ron…’

Their lips met again, and Hermione moaned against him. God, this was wonderful. Even after so many years of marriage, the attraction between them never seemed to diminish. If anything, it had deepened and developed over time, forming a bedrock of love and affection that had seem them through so much.

‘Ron…’

‘H-Hermione,’ Ron moaned, ‘The chair…’

Turning around, Ron pulled Hermione with him. Stumbling slightly. he sat down in the leather office chair, and Hermione bestraddled his lap, moving around so that she was facing him. Their lips met again, as their bodies began to buck against each other. One of Ron’s freckled hands became entangled in her bushy hair, while the other was busy fondling her arse. She could already feel it beginning to pinken.

‘I… I love you, Hermione,’ Ron gasped, his breathing ragged and intense. ‘No matter h-how old we get. You understand?’

Hermione nodded, her heart beating faster with the welling of emotion within her. Lust mixed with the sheer love she had for her husband.

‘Mione…’

‘Ron… g-god, I’m…’

‘M-me too… can… can I…?’

‘Y-yes! Do it… Ron… oooohhhh!’

Their bodies gave one last motion, and their orgasms hit. Hermione’s limbs flailed, and she fell against Ron’s chest, gasping for breath.

‘Merlin, I love you, Hermione,’ Ron breathed, his voice less ragged. ‘I love you.’

‘I love you too, Ron,’ she replied, kissing him on the lips. ‘So much.’

After their breathing had slowly calmed, they sat up in Hermione’s office chair, and cuddled against each-other, enjoying the feeling of just being with the other.

‘Do you mind if we have a slow day after we get home?’ Hermione said. ‘I could use a nice lie-in. Unless you had anything planned?’

‘That sounds good to me. Although, before we leave for home…’

Ron clicked his fingers, and his wand leapt from the desk into his hand. He then summoned the large box that he had been carrying earlier. He opened it, and Hermione was immediately aware of a sugary scent.

‘You brought cake?’

‘You were working into the early hours, Hermione,’ Ron said, cutting a couple of slices with his wand and then handing one to her. ‘I knew you probably hadn’t eaten in ages. And, well, it is your birthday cake.’

‘You’re so sweet,’ she said, pressing a quick kiss to his cheek. Ron smiled at her, and the two of them began to leisurely eat.

‘So…’ Ron asked, wrapping an arm around Hermione’s shoulder. ‘Do you feel a bit better about being a year older?’

Hermione smiled, coyly.

‘Maaybe,’ she replied, her finger running up and down Ron’s thigh. ‘Although I could probably use a little more persuading.’

Slowly and deliberately, Ron scooped a large part of cream off his slice of cake, and began to daub it down Hermione’s chest. Hermione felt her centre began to heat up once again, as Ron’s mouth twisted into his signature lop-sided grin.

‘I think that can be arranged.’

~~~~~~~~

Thanks for reading, everyone; hope you liked it!

[ratherembarrassing]

Any getting into yoga tips? I have been wanting to as maybe a way to help myself get back into good habits mentally and physically after a rough year of coping and honestly the first time in my life I've felt really unhappy in my body. I know its not a magic fix, just somethingnive considered a while and it's felt daunting

anon, big mood to all of this. i had not really dug myself out of the physical or mental pando malaise in the nice break we had at the start of the year and as we went back into lockdown in may i decided to be more proactive about a few things, including getting any kind of exercise beyond the occasional lazy walk down to the river.

i'm not sure why i picked yoga, other than that it was something i could do in my living room. i had attempted yoga exactly twice before then (once as a teenager, when i hated all the hippie bullshit), one of those times had been yoga with adriene, whose channel had been recommended to me. i hadn't hated it, but it also didn't take.

this time around, i started this 30 day series from her because at the end of the day she reminds me of my aunt, who had dragged me through that one session as a teenager. and, one of the things i've really come to appreciate through reading atomic habits is that short term plans are so much better than open ended goals to get started with something - "do this for 30 days" did not feel as intimidating as "start doing yoga every day". if i hated it, it was only 30 days of my life, and i'd also done something for 30 days! better than nothing. i also didn't actually stick to every day, i just said never skip more than 2 days, and it ended up taking about 45 days to get through it.

and, to be a little honest, her gentle hippie nudging towards being aware of your brain space and generally encouraging nature was something i really needed at the time. the context of being alone in my living room where i could verbally roll my eyes before ultimately giving in and doing the thing, and also being able to grumble and groan through everything being hard and shout at the tv every time we got to downward dog was the perfect way to yoga for me. a way to engage in some wholesomeness on my own terms and nobody to witness it but my tv screen.

tldr: i found the context in which i did it to be the real gateway to actually doing it, and adriene's vibe was very much come as you're able - everything was accessible to every skill level throughout the 30 days.