#if i need eye surgery again im killing my self

[colorisbyshe]

dark spot on the periphery of my vision in my bad eye… thank god i have a regular check up tomorrow because uh 🧍🏻‍♀️

[eccentricphilosoph]

How can anyone see this and say it’s ok to let people get transition surgery without thorough assessment, mental health care, and therapy over at least a year?

We are told over and over people who don’t transition will kill themselves. yet, what about the people who can’t reverse their surgeries who sincerely thought they were trans when they weren’t who now want to kill themselves? Im now beginning to see one reason why self-ID and self-diagnosis is dangerous. This is why this is an understandably debatable situation.

Unless we make the trans space a cosmetic space instead of a mental health/medical space, there has to be better safekeeping.

Otherwise, if you want no safekeeping then you have to admit it as a cosmetic procedure and not a medical one and take it out of the medical space.

There are many trans people concerned with the lack of safekeeping into transition because then it'll mean less available healthcare necessities for people who actually need the care. Imo, if you don't think gatekeeping is necessary, then I get the feeling you clearly don't need it yourself! Hypocrite.

The system used to be different so this kind of situation wouldn’t happen, but now there’s little to no gatekeeping and severely mentally unstable people who need help are being harmed unnecessarily.

****NO I'm not saying "get rid of trans healthcare" I'm saying, make it safer and help people get through their other mental blocks instead of affirming them only. It's clearly not working for the 1000s of people now regretting or suing because they feel like these men do. ****

I've known 3 DETRANSITIONERS personally who did so not because they have internal transphobia, not because of lack of support, not because of bigotry, but because they're not trans. Guess what? They're not statistics because they didn't tell any surveys or their clinic that they're detransitioning. There are many like them that never go back nor report it. I'm sure there will be many more who will come to the realization their lives permanently changed for the worse (this isn't just a mere "knee surgery" this is literal castration of straight men at worse). Knowing 3 detransitioners in 5 years is a lot... That's at the rate of one per 1.5 years. There are about 20+ people I knew personally at one point or another who transitioned. That's 15% of all the people I knew who detransitioned and I'd be willing to venture at least one more will detransition, leaving us at ~20% of people I've known detransitioning. If detransition is only less than 1%, then what are the odds I'd know 3 people who did since, at most, I should only personally know 1 detransitioner. It's wrong to turn a blind eye and write this post off as "transphobic". Perhaps it's you who are the bigoted one to not listening to reasonable rhetoric. Noting that some people are suffering due to the lack of gatekeeping doesn't somehow negate some people having the opposite thing happen to them.

Citing that there are "statistics" does no good unless you can find me a new study that shows me, for at least a decade, with a substantial amount of people because this is a relatively new phenomenon to make this healthcare known in the mainstream consciousness. Also, as I said, my 3 friends aren't in surveys or the system as "detrans". If anything, they're probably still written down as a transitioner happy with their transition... because how do you know someone isn't happy unless they tell you? Instead of looking at common sense of what I'm saying, I get berated and belittled. You do nothing to help the cause of trans people when you do this. Do you really want people to slip through the cracks as collateral? Do you really, in the name of "inclusivity" want to limit the resources for those who really NEED it? How extremely heartless can you be?

Again, "no safekeeping= cosmetic procedure". "Safekeeping=medical" space. You can't have "no safekeeping=medical space" as there are mentally ill people getting improper treatment, suffering, and then taking away the resources for those who actually medically need it.

[punksludge-art]

Traversing the Journey of Self Love

Each day faces it's own new & unique challenges.

Prior to surgery it felt impossible to even see my reflection. If it wasn't a perfectly orchestrated self taken image, that masked my curves & chest, then I would never share myself.

Each time I looked in the mirror & saw who was looking back at me, it was a level of disconnect I genuinely thought would never go away. Like trying to see yourself but you see an imposter, an alien, someone/something that had an essence of yourself, but something was just so deeply wrong & off about it.

It gave extreme uncanny valley affect for me.

This feeling like I didn't belong.

Its been slowly changing as ive seen the effects of the testosterone do what it's meant to do.

As ive noticed my voice deepen, facial hair start to creep in & fill out, my jawline sharpen, feet growing, body hair growing thicker. Finally having chest hair...

Its given me a better sense of connection with myself. For each little change, brings me to one day looking in the mirror & finally start to see ME staring back into the mirror.

Its has been a cascade of emotions..

Self hatred seeped deep within myself, clinging to me like tar. Desperate for me to give in.

Thinking I would not live past 18. Feeling so trapped, so lost, so alone & yet so put on full display, all at once.

Now im nearly 3 months post op, & i can actually enjoy my self care. I actually speak love onto myself as I wash away the filth of the day, standing there, bare & naked. On display for my own self. A monumental moment for myself, as I finally faced my very own body without this drastic, desperate need to peel my own skin off.

I looked down for the first time post op, & even with tube's hanging from my sides, still attached within me, I cried. I cried hard. I cried tears of joy. Tears of relief. I cried for the part of myself that tried so hard to kill itself. The part of me who saw myself as a monster. The part of me that was so confused, so lost, so overwhelmed & so disgusted with my own body.

Each day i face myself in the mirror & i can actually smile, see joy. See ME looking back.

I face new challenges of self love. I am a short, hairy chubby guy. I've always been chubby but I had a chest to balance my body out. Now it's all belly. Now I look down & I see my chubby hairy belly. It sometimes is difficult because I'm not a stereotypical hot skinny trans dude that's conventionally attractive.

But even still, I can shower, bare & naked & i can do it with the lights on. I can do it & actually look upon my own flesh & not feel like i must tear it to shreds, desperately trying to escape it.

For I now look in the mirror, & i see ME.

No more feeling out of place. No more feeling hideous. No more fear over what my future of self love would be... for i have shown myself so much love, that I finally stood up, opened my eyes & truly saw my TV glow. I saw my TV Glow & i will never shut it off again.

[maccreadysbaby]

IM LITERALLY SCREAMING AT THE CLIFF HANGER?!?!?!?!??!?!!?!?!? WHAT HAPPENED TO LOGAN?????? YOUR KILLING ME SMALLS 😩

Oh my gosh I love you 😭😆 you’re precious

< prev part

next part >

NEVER LEAVING™︎

of all the things y/n had imagined doing with her sons, catching an emergency flight to Santa Monica, California, at ten pm wasn’t one of them

climbing off a plane in California and immediately getting into a military-grade vehicle with violently tinted windows and a man she’d never met was unnerving, but Hesh had told her that was who she was looking for

it was almost six in the morning when the three of them arrived at Fort Santa Monica, where Logan stayed between missions

they were greeted out front by Hesh, who was sporting a really believable “I haven’t slept in two days” look

”hey, guys,” he shared quick hugs with them all. “He wanted to wait for you to get here but surgery was too critical. We have our best medical staff on him now. We aren’t sure how much longer it’ll take”

y/n had nearly fainted when hesh first called her and said that Logan had been standing mere feet away from an active land mine

That someone set off

and now, there the three of them were, waiting in the commons area of Fort Santa Monica for their Logan to come out of surgery

Hesh kept walking in and out, asking what they needed, if they were okay, how he could help

Merrick walked in once and tried to hold a conversation, but he wasn’t very good at it

Keegan was a little better, not panicking as much as Hesh so he was able to hang out with the boys and get their minds off of everything for a while

Y/n had never met Kick before, but he brought blankets and pillows into the room for them incase they were tired after their travels, and — though he was silent — the tight lipped smile he sent her way definitely did more good than harm

she finally used her mom voice on hesh (which the boys found entertaining) to make him sit down and stop walking all over the place, trying to help him calm his nerves

but it didn’t help because the very moment he stopped distracting himself, and let himself take in the reality of everything, he started crying

and y/n was just at a loss because she’d never seen that side of her brother-in-law before

keegan was quick to take the boys somewhere else, like “let’s go check out the vehicles we got in the hangars” or “you’re not really allowed in the armory but I don’t think a peek will hurt” because he’s precious and didn’t want them to worry anymore about their dad because of hesh’s emotions

for a while y/n just held hesh, too, because she remembered how badly she needed to be held when Logan found her on the kitchen floor. And she definitely wasn’t just going to not do anything

it took a while for him to calm down, but she didn’t mind. She knew the toll being called back into the line of fire was taking on Logan and, as far as she knew, hesh had just been keeping it all to himself. So she just patted his back and let him take his time

it wasn’t very long after that, though, that Keegan came back into the room with the boys on his heels, announcing that Logan was in recovery

the lot of them practically ran through Fort Santa Monica just to reach the recovery room, where Logan lay peacefully in a hospital bed, cut up and bruised, but breathing

Y/n and the boys sat in chairs around his bed for what felt like hours. Hesh was going to give them space but she insisted that Logan would want to see him, too, when he woke up

The sun was going down again, and he still wasn’t awake. Elliot was stretched out across two chairs, laid over in hesh’s lap, totally dead asleep, and McKade had — despite a few quiet arguments from his mother — squished his tiny self into the open space in the hospital bed next to Logan and fell asleep there.

And only when hesh had fallen asleep and y/n was nodding off, did Logan rouse

she almost flew out of her chair

It took Logan a few minutes to focus on everything around him, but when his eyes landed on y/n, his eyes watered up

”y/n,” he breathed, stretching out a hand toward her. She grabbed it tightly and leaned down, placing a kiss on his head

”hey, baby”

he glanced down at McKade and smiled softly, blinking back the tears in his eyes as he lifted a hand and ruffled his son’s hair

McKade woke up quickly and, when he caught sight of his father awake, exclaimed excitedly: “dad!”

and that woke up Hesh and Elliot

and for a while, everyone was either crying or nearly crying, because there Logan was, breathing, heart beating, alive

“Y/n,” Logan stated, peering up at her. She was immediately by his side, and he continued: “I’m never leaving you again.”

she smiled and chuckled quietly as she batted away the tears in her eyes

“I cant serve anymore,” he continued. Y/n knitted her brows together, cocking her head to the side

”what do you mean?”

he lifted up the blanket with a wince, and sitting neatly beneath the sheets, unbeknownst to everyone else, was a metal prosthetic where his left leg used to be

y/n’s mouth fell open, and she turned and laid her head on his chest, hugging him gently, whispering: “oh, baby…”

she felt him kiss her on the hair lightly “it’s going to be a change, but it’s okay, because I’ll really never leave you again”

[shelbgrey]

November Rain(Mark Sloan)

Summary: (y/n) is hiding a big secret from her boyfriend mark

Paring: Mark X Callie's little sister

Warnings: talks of death and cancer

Greys MasterList

The year I found out I had cancer I didn't tell a soul. There was to much going on with the shooting and helping Christina and derek getting over their trauma. The only people who knew was my sister Callie and Jackson.

Jackson was my person and he found out when a intern got mine and his patient's medical results mixed up. He told Callie and the both of them confronted me about it. For two years it has stayed a secret between the three of us.

I didn't tell the others nor my boyfriend mark because I just never got the chance because something was always happening. When I would go to check ups. Callie would do it while Jackson would gard the door making sure no one saw. I didn't want to tell Mark or the others because I didn't want to be a burden nor do I want there sympathy and over protectiveness. I wanted to do what I loved and that was being a doctor.

After my doctor's appointment me and Callie silently walked down the hallway trying not draw to much attention to our selfs as we got my meds. "I wonder what I'll look like bald." I chuckled. Callie obviously didn't find it funny. I nudged her with my shoulder playfully. "come on lighten up"

"it's not funny" she mumbled. "what your going through isn't funny" she said glancing at me as we rounded the corner trying to avoid her wife and my boyfriend.

"I know but I feel fine honestly"

"mentality or physically?" she asked.

"both" I quickly responded.

The silence fell again and I sighed grabbing one of my charts "(y/n)" Callie  spoke again.

"hmm?"

"you need to tell Mark soon" she started as I shifted in my spot next to the nurse's station and kept my eyes on the chart "he deserves to know and as much as it kills me to say, your getting worse and we can't keep hiding it"

"I'll tell him when the time is right" I said shutting the chart and left to get ready for a surgery with Owen and April.

--------( ....... )--------

"why can't we just see a movie or something?" I asked scrubbing my hands with April next to me. The two of us were trying to plan our monthly double date with Jackson and Mark.

"we could do that. But definitely not a bar, we don't need a replay of what happened last month" I laughed at April's comment as I remembered Jackson and Mark getting drunk and setting a portapoddie on fire at a construction sight that was near the hospital.

As April continued to talk I felt my stomach start to turn and the smell of the water running made me sick. I sighed and gripped the edges of the scrubbing sink.

"(n/n)? You okay?" she placed her hand on my shoulder a rubbed it. Yep, definitely gonna hurl I thought as sprinted out of the scrubbing room and into the closet bathroom. I ran through the bathroom door and ripped the biggest stall open making it fly backwards and banging up against the one next door.

The noise stung my ears but I was glad it was masking the nauseating sounds of me emptying my sorry excuse of a stomach.

"(y/n) are you okay?" April asked from behind as she held my hair back. I let out a breath and rested my damp forehead on my arm. I let out a cough as April backed up so a could set down away from the toilet. I pressed my back up against the cold metal stall as April massaged my shoulder.

"I'm okay, I'm okay" I whispered as I pulled my scrub cap off my head. April's kind blue eyes stared at me with concern. "maybe you should Find a on-call room to rest in. Me and Owen got the surgery covered." I nodded not wanting to fight her.

She help me up and she wrapped her arm around my shoulder as we walked out of the bathroom. "im okay Apes, I'm just gonna lie down"

"do you want me to get your sister or Dr. Sloan?" I shook my head. "n-no they both have surgeries" she nodded sadly. I knew she suspected something. I hated lying to her she was like another sister.

I let out a tired sigh and moved into the Attending's lounge and started to look for Mark's leather jacket. It was my favorite to wrap myself in because it had a soft fabric in the inside and it had a black hood attached to it. I finally found it crumbled up on the couch with Derek's gray coat. I grabbed it and left to look for an empty on-call room.

--------( ....... )--------

"hey, April told me to come and check on you" Jackson said as he closed the door. I shifted in the bed a bit and rubbed the sleep out of my eyes.

"are you feeling bad?" Jackson asked lying down next to me then pushed I few strands of hair off my forehead to check my temperature.

"I'm okay Jackson" I said pushing his hand away. He rolled his green eyes calling bullshit.

"it's getting worse, maybe we should consider chemo" Jackson said softly. I scoffed and set up right so I leaning against the wall.

"it's only stage two" I mumbled. "I don't want to start looking worse than I already am.. I know mark has notested the weight loss"

Jackson looked down. "you still haven't told him, have you?" I knew the secret was getting to him. Him and Mark were close and Mark treated him like a son or little brother. He was stuck in the middle and I felt awful for that because just last week Jackson almost let it out because of mark's pestering.

I let out a shaky breath and rested my head on his shoulder trying to hold in a cry. "I'm gonna find Mark.. His shift should be over" I mumbled as I crawled out of the bunk bed. I sighed when I stood in front of the mirror that was left in there. I was getting skinnier and his coat looked even bigger on me than it did two years ago. I pushed that thought away and left to look for Mark.

--------( ....... )--------

I finally found him in one of the labs. His blue eyes glued to one of the microscopes. He was probably working on his and Jackson's skin grafts trying to perfect it even though he was egusted. I sighed and walked up behind him and rubbed his shoulders.

"you ready to go home? Our shifts ended an hour ago" he leaned the back of his head to my chest and he looked up as ran my fingers through his hair.

"I'm almost done baby, I can't stop now" he said moving back to the microscope.

I guess I could say this is another reason I've never told him. I knew he couldn't handle one more thing. He delt with too much and his plate was always full. Being a plastic surgeon was pressure as it is.... He didn't need to deal with a sick and possibly dying girlfriend. I also liked dealing with things myself. I didn't like making my problems other people's problems. And I always tried to put Mark and the rest of the doctors I considered family before me.

I smiled softly giving him a kiss on the cheek. "mark it's not going anywhere. You need rest"

"I'm not tired" he shifted and moved up to his desk. I sighed and spun his chair around and placed my fingers under his chin lifting his head up. "please come home with me... I need you with me" I whispered.

I don't know how much longer I have with you. I thought and made sure I didn't leave my mouth. Mark sighed In defeat as soon as our eyes met. He told me countless times my eyes were his weakness. He'd say all he had to do was look into my eyes and he was hooked.

He stood up and turned everything thing off and left the room with me.

--------( ....... )--------

The next morning I woke up feel extremely nauseous I set up softly and moved out of the bed without waking Mark. I had my mouth covered as I raced to the toilet. I fell to my knees and felt everything get empty out. I prayed to god I didn't wake Mark but that was quickly proven wrong when I felt my hair being moved out of my face.

I sighed and flushed the toilet. I slumped down on the cold tile floor and leaned against the bath tub. "are you okay baby?" he asked softly. He was setting on his knees in front of me and his hand gently rubbing my cheek.

"I'm okay Doc, it was probably food poisoning or something" I said trying not to sound like a big fat lier. Mark's blue eyes look at me with worry. "you and I are both doctor. Something isn't right"

"Mark I'm fine... I promise" I need to tell him I thought. I looked down holding in the tears. Mark noticed but he also learned fast in our relationship I'll talk when I'm ready. He sighed and took my arms in his hands then wrapped them around his neck. His hands then proceeded to fall to my waist then pick me up as if I was a small child. I immediately wrapped my legs around his waist and he carried me back to bed.

"what are you doing?" I asked. "your not going to work and I'm not either" he said grabbing his phone to probably call Owen and say we were both sick. I sighed and slumped down on the pillow. This just keeps getting harder and harder I thought as Mark climb into bed with me and pulled me to his chest. We both spent the morning watching Twin peaks and soon enough I feel asleep towards the afternoon to Mark talking about his and Jackson's clinical trail.

The next morning I woke up without Mark. I turned my head to face his spot on the bed and I saw a note on his pillow.

(y/n),

Got paged early this morning. Come to work IF and only if you feel better. Love you.

-Mark

I read the note then set it on the night stand. As soon as I set up from the bed my stomach turned. I sighed and raced to the toilet. I didn't realize how loud I was being in till I heard Arizona's voice. I heard her hand knock on the door of my bathroom.

"(y/n) are you okay?" she asked as I flushed the toilet and walked past her and crawled into bed. "I'm fine"

"you don't look fine, how long has this been happening?" I shrugged not wanting to meet my Sister-in-law's eyes. "(y/n) talked to me" she whispered setting next to me and warped her arms around me pulling me to her chest.

"your not pregnant are you? I don't think I can handle a little Mark, but I think Sophie needs a little sibling" she said in a joking manner obvious trying to get me to smile. I didn't and I only looked down at my hands. A tear fell and hit the black diamond ring Mark got me. All I thout was I can't hide this forever.

"(y/n) what's wrong? You know you can tell me"

I hesitated. "Airy I'm sick" her eye brows knitted together and her head tilted in confusion. "yeah obviously but I'm sure it will pass-"

"Arizona it's cancer" she suddenly stopped and her words were sucked right out. Arizona's eyes almost looked lifeless and she wasn't her usual bright and happy self. she looked down as she tried to process everything. She let out a sigh and looked down. "how long?"

"what? How long I have left or how long I've been fighting?"

"fighting"

"since the shooting" her eyes bugged out and his head drooped down. "that's almost two years....you've been hiding this for two years?!"

"I know" I simply replied but her emotions showed that's wasn't good enough. "have you been doing treatment?" she asked and then more followed.

"who else knows?" she asked. "you, Callie and Jackson" I said softly. I knew she would be hurt that me and Callie didn't tell her and Mark. We were a family after all.

"you haven't even told Mark!?" she asked shocked. She obviously knew how much it would hurt him. I did too but he didn't need one more thing on his plate. "he needs to know" he mumbled.

"Arizona, he doesn't need one more thing on his plate and what I turn into his dying girlfriend.. And charity case... I don't want that"

"mark would do anything to take care of you and he would want to help you fight this."

I let a tear fall. "I want to tell him I just haven't found the right time."

Arizona's wrapped her arms around me and I rested my head on her shoulder. "your not doing any surgeries in till you tell him" she said softly. I jolted up. "that's not fair."

"it's very fair"

--------( ....... )--------

The next day I walked into the OR mark and Derek were in. "Mark?" I said coming into the lab. Him and derek were finishing up their surgery and guns n Roses' November Rain was playing softly through the OR speakers. It wasn't unusual to hear them listen to this band but the choice of song was unusual. Him listening to a song about a man losing the love of his life almost made me cry. Music dose that to me.

"Nothin' lasts forever

And we both know hearts can change

And it's hard to hold a candle

In the cold November rain"

"babe we are geniuses" he smiled through his mask once he saw I was there. I smiled happy at him. I loved it when he had a successful surgery because it always put him a fluffy mood.

"on some things" I joked, "are you about done? I need to talk to you" he looked up from his patient and his blue eyes locked with mine. "what's up?" he asked as his eyes switched from me to the patient.

"it's not important, I'll tell you later" I said about to leave. "are you sure?" he asked before I left. I didn't want to tell him now a distract him. I smiled and nodded before leaving.

"If we could take the time to lay it on the line

I could rest my head just knowin' that you were mine

All mine

So if you want to love me then darlin' don't refrain

Or I'll just end up walkin' in the cold November rain"

--------( ....... )--------

"hay little Torres, you feeling better?" Meredith asked coming up to me. I smiled and nodded. "waiting for Mark?"

I nodded. "waiting for Derek?" she responded the same way.

After about ten minutes Meredith left with Derek and Zola. I got tired of waiting and went to go look for him. After asking around I found him in one of the labs working on his project.

"mark let's go home" I said as the adomatic doors of the lab opened. I stuffed my hands into my coat and looked around. I slightly smiled when I saw him working.

"come on Doc, time to go home" I smiled. "lets get some dinner and it's your night with Sophie" I walked up behind him and started rubbing his shoulders. "I'm busy baby I'm not that hungry anyway"

"Dr. Sloan" I said stirnly. He looked up knowing I was serious. He knows he's in trouble when I say Dr. Sloan the rest of the time it's Doc or Mark. "I wish you'd take care of yourself better"

'your already gonna out live me so I better make sure your good health before I kick the bucket' I thought.

He looked up at me and smirked. His arms wrapped around my waist and held me tightly. My body was pushed between his legs and my arms warped around his shoulders as my fingers combed through his light brown hair.

"weren't you gonna tell me something earlier?" he asked looking up at me. The coward in me shut everything down. I quickly shook my head no. "I honestly cant remember" I titled his head to the sighed with an eye brow raised. His 'that's bullshit look'

"I'm fine" I smiled and kissed the top of his head. "come on let's go home" I said grabbing his hand and pulling him from his chair.

Later that night we all gathered into the living room to watch a movie. Callie and Arizona stayed over with Sophie so we just eat take out and watched the scream movies.

I didn't make to far into the movie. I fell asleep with my head in Mark's lap and my legs were on Arizona's lap. Lately I feared sleep due to the fact I might not wake up. I used to love sleep it was an escape from the real world but now I just fight it but to night I fell right to sleep.

The next morning I walked into the ER where Jackson and Owen were. "morning boys"

"hay Torres" Owen smiled.

"what are you doing?" I asked walking in between the two men. Jackson was unwrapping a package shaped like a big picture frame. "it's the new sign for the ER" he smiled pulling out the navy blue plack

"hold this please" he asked handing me his coffee then shoved some notebooks and files off the nurses station and then took the sign from me. "Avery is that necessary?" Owen half laughed. Me and Jackson shrugged as he hung it up then looked at me and Owen

"floors lava" he said casually. I rolled me eyes and jumped in office chair that was at the nurses station. The movement made it slightly roll away in the process.

"what are you two doing?" Owen sighed but still found it funny. I bursted into laughter. I lived for these little moments. Jackson and Owen rarely played around but when he did he could be a total child and I loved him for that.

"Owen the floor is lava! Your gonna die!" I shouted. he rolled her eyes. "you both are children" he said chuckling.

"so?" Jackson asked hopping of the counter as Mark came up to us. "sloan don't forget about the Attendings meeting tonight" Owen said.

"can't" Mark said we both looked at Owen as he raised an eyebrow "me and (y/n) are going out"

"we are?" I asked confused. He nodded with a smile. "it's been a while since we went out on a date and there's a movie I wanna take you to"

"that's fine" Owen said. If I wasn't involved he would say no.

"thanks Hunt!" we both shouted as he left.

--------( ....... )--------

"that's was awful" I said and Mark laughed as we walked out of the movie theater that just got done showing the new batman. His arm was around my shoulder keeping his hip to mine. "it wasn't that bad" Mark said.

"the Ben Affleck's batman is so much better" I said as we walked down the street. "well next time I promise I'll pick a better movie" 'Next time' hit me the wrong way. What if there wasn't a next time?

Callie and Arizona's words kept replaying in my mind over and over. I sighed and looked down at the side walk as I interlocked my fingers with his. That didn't go unnoticed to him. "is everything okay?" I shrugged my shoulders. And nodded yes.

"what? You nervous about the Treacher Collins surgery next week?" he asked. Before I could say anything his mouth continued to move. "don't worry we're gonna nail it like always." I knew he was trying to make me feel better but there was more to our lives than just surgery.

He stopped talking when I stopped walking with him. He turned around and looked at me with concern. "what's wrong?"

My eyes began to sting with tears. I looked away as soon as the first tear dropped. His thumb and pointer finger gently grabbed my chin and moved my face so are eyes met. "what's going on?"

"Mark I'm sick" I said bluntly. He looked at me confused. "we can go home if you want... Or we can stop by the hospital to see what's wron-"

"Mark I have cancer... Leukemia" I said quietly. Mark froze with no emotion in his eyes. "what?" he whispered.

"no, no, no, you can't your perfect...w-why? H-how long?" he rambled as tears begin to fill his blue eyes.

I gulped down a sob. "two years. I found out a little bit after the shooting"

"two years!" he shouted making me look down. "you've been hiding this from me for two years? Why?"

"you would have told me to stop surgeries and be protective of me and stopped me from doing stuff!" I said back.

"stuff?... Stuff! God damn it I made you do too much stuff. I-I" he started to pace around me running his fingers through his hair nervously "

"no Mark.. you've kept me healthy. If I didn't have you I would have probably..."

"don't finish that sentence" he said knowing exactly what I ment. He looked at me again. "God damnit! Why you?" he shouted slamming the door of his car with his fist making me flinch.

"of all the people in this world.. Why you?" he asked full on crying now. His tears hurt worse than any kinda pian this sickness gave me. I hated the way he was reacting. His pain made my heart clinch.

"everything happens for a reason"

"well this world is fucked up.. You've done nothing to deserve this" he mumbled opening the driver side of the car. He motions me to get in behind the wheel.

"go ahead and drive home" he said. I quickly shook my head no not wanting to be alone. "I need to be alone right now I-I need to think"

"drive home safely and text me when you get home" when I sat down in the driver seat his head dipped down inside and have me a soft kiss. "I Love You"

I started the car and that God damn guns n Roses song started on the radio. I watched Mark  walked down the street in the review mirror and tears fell again. I slammed my fist into the steering wheel as the song continued.

"So never mind the darkness, we still can find a way

'Cause nothin' lasts forever, even cold November rain"

--------(Mark's pov)--------

I felt my heart sink as I walked down the dark road. I couldn't figure out why she had to hide something so serious from me. I knew who I need to go to but the question was, was he gonna help. I he closer I got to my destination the colder and wetter it got. A down pour started making me thank full I gave (y/n) the car.

The sound of the rain hitting me and the pavement sounded like a drum banging next to my ear. I didn't talk about my feeling much but my emotions was through the roof as I ran down the hallway of the hospital soaking wet.

"Derek I need your help" I said as barged into one of the ORs. I'd never done that while he was preforming surgery and thanked God he was finished.

"Sloan what the hell" Webber said. His irritation seemed to slightly go away when he saw me. I rolled my eyes and ripped of the mask I had as holding on my face. I shivered as mine and Derek's Eyes locked. I hated to tell him the two were close (y/n) was like a sister to him. The shivers got worse as I calmed myself down not daring to cry I front of them.

"why are you all wet? What's going on?" Derek asked. I paced back and forth. "calm down" I hear him say but I didn't listen.

"it's (y/n)" Webber and Derek immediately stopped in their tracks. That hit them differently. Callie looked up slowly from the leg she was operating on. "you know" she said softly. I looked down pissed she kept it from me too.

"what's wrong with (y/n)?" Derek asked. Taking his gear off as the nurse got him ready for recovery.

"s-she has c-cancer" I stumbled over my worlds. "she's sick and might be dying so I-I need your help...I-i don't know what to do"

"Torres is she excepting treatment?" I asked looking at my best friend. She sighed and her eyes glossed over. "n-no she's not"

"Mark we don't know her history or what's going on" Webber said softly.

"I knew this would be a waist of fucking time" I growled as I walked to the front door. "Mark" Derek grabbed my wrist stopping me in my tracks.

"I'll see what I can do but I can't help unless she let's let's me, you know how she is"

"I cant let her die" I mumbled. "we won't" Derek said.

--------(1st pov)--------

"just don't cut it all" I mumbled as me and Arizona sat in front of the mirror. She looked at me through the mirror as she turned the razor on. The buzzing maid me shiver as she started to cut off inches. Before she could get to far there was a knock on the door.

"I'll be back" she said softly hugging me before she left for the door. In the distance I could hear Derek's voice along with Meredith's. I let out sigh glad it was the couple I've grown close to over the years.

Meredith came into the bathroom where I was and gave me a sympathetic smile. "hay Mer"

"hay" she looked at my now short hair and smiled. "the look suits you" she placed her hand on my shoulder studding the now pixie cut that was my hair.

As I looked in the mirror my reflection started to get blurry and nausea bubbled in my stomach and chest. I heaved and rubbed my forehead. Meredith rubbed my back. "are you okay"

Before I could answer I puked in the sink as Meredith shouted for Derek and Arizona. Derek barged in first.

"are you okay?" he asked frantically? "(n/n)?"

"im gonna pass out" I said as everything around me started spinning. "yup, definitely passing out" I said falling into Derek's arms as everything went black.

--------(Mark's pov)--------

"where is she?" I asked pushing pasted Owen to get into her room. "Torres were is she?" I asked stopping in front of her. Callie look scared and that gave enough confirmation. Nothing was okay. The thought of losing her was like a stab to the heart.

"can I see her?" Callie nodded and got up from I front of her hospital door. I took a deep breath before slowly inching the door open terffied on what's on the other side. I slowly peaked on the behind the door. I smiled softly seeing her slowly wake up and give me a big grein. "hay Doc"

I raced to her side trying to keep it together. "I'm sorry I ran off" she quickly shook her head "it's okay I understand"

"no it's not okay" I shook my head. She rolled her eyes playfully.

"are you in any pain?" I asked afraid of the answer. She shook her head no. "maybe a few headaches every now and then"

"please don't keep anything like this from me again" she nodded and took my hand. I held her hand tight like I was afraid she was going to disappear.

--------(Callie's pov)--------

Later that night I went into to see my sister. I sighed seeing her fast asleep but Mark fighting to stay awake.

"Mark go to bed alright" he fixed his posture in the chair next to her bed and shook his head. "I'm fine"

"I'll be with her.. Its fine" he finally nodded and gave (y/n) a kiss on the forehead be for he left for the door. Before I could sit down Mark turned around getting my attention.

"Callie I got something important to ask you" I nodded telling him to continue. "can I have your blessing on marring (y/n?" before I could answer he started rambling. Something he's being doing a lot lately.

"I wanted to ask you because I know your dad hates me and you two are a lot closer" he sighed and looked down while pulling his fingers from his hair and slapping the side of his leg.

I stood still for I bit. He's my best friend and all but he was dating my little sister the person I protected forever. When they started dating I hated him for it because I thought he'd use her but that wasn't the case at all. He's good to her and I'm glad they have each other.

"now would be a good time to answer Torres" his voice said snapping me back to reality. I smiled and shook my head yes. "yes you can"

"thank you" he said letting out a sigh of relief.

"just get some sleep will ya" he nodded and left the room. I sighed and fell into the chair Mark was in originally. I brushed the dark hairs out of her face. The only resemblance we had to the exception of our eyes. She looked like dad and I look like our mother.

I sighed taking her hand gently not wanting to wake her. The realization that she's getting worse hit me. I couldn't lose her and the fear only made it worse. The other guy didn't even want to come out. That's when I dozed off myself.

(next day)

The next day Alex, Christina and Jackson all stood outside (y/n) room. Mark and Callie were both in there with her as she slept.

"so it's true? She has cancer?" Alex asked sounding broken and pissed as he looked in the window of (y/n)'s room. Jackson let out a hurt sigh as he nodded.

"I'd never thought it would be her too." Alex mumbled thinking he's gonna loose (y/n) to cancer like he did Izzie.

"she bet it, she's tough" Christina said looking between Owen and Jackson. Owen looked up from his cart and sighed. "I really hope your right.

--------(Mark's pov, 6 months later)--------

About three months after (y/n) got out of the hospital we had a small wedding and went of to an easy honeymoon. That's what she wanted. Everything seemed to be fine in till this month. Everyone saw it coming but that doesn't mean I didn't hurt like hell. At least she's isn't in anymore pain.

The funeral was small and just like she would have wanted. She wouldn't have wanted us to make a big deal of her death but it still hurt. A bout a week later Owen and Jackson made a memorial plack to put in the peds room where she works. I walk by it everyday and as crazy as it sounds sometimes I'll talk to like it's really her.

It was hard on everyone. It was the first time I ever saw Alex cry and Owen for the first time was speechless. (y/n) was the soul of the hospital and the glue that kept us together. She showed love and kindness to each one of them.

I was more worried for Callie she didn't cry or speak during the funeral. Maybe the realization hasn't hit. Arizona did but she's was trying her hardest to stay strong for Callie and me. Derek couldn't take it he tried his hardest to keep her alive the last few months and she didn't make it. It killed me to think he blames himself. It didn't blame him, no one did.

When the service ended everyone wanted to be left alone. To get through their own grieving process. Unfortunately it had be done on work hours. I walked down the silent hallway. Damn it's never this quiet. My thoughts were broke by the sounds of a female sobbing. And knew that sound all too well.

"Callie" I said softly. SHe let out a sob and slid down the wall holding (y/n)'s doctors coat. "why did it have to be her?" i felt my chest tightened and my bottom lip quiver. 'I wasn't gonna cry' I kept repeating trying to stay in the right state of mind to calm Callie down.

I sighed and slid down the wall setting next to her. I softly smiled at her coat. The name on it got changed to Dr. Torres-Sloan a bit before she died. I never even thought about being a widow. She hasn't even been gone a month and I don't know how to continue.

"i remember how pissed you and derek were when you found out we started dating" you wanted to kill me but Derek had me already to the ground beating the crap out of me" I said. "it never mattered to me I love her more than anything"

Callie  looked at me with her red puffy eyes. "you two were perfect for each other, I'm glad she had you"

"yeah I know.." I said softly. I put my arm on her shoulder and hugger her tight. "she loved you so much" Callie whispered.

I sighed. "she was so excited for this conjoined twins project" I was trying to change the subject. Trying to think happy. Callie let out a laugh mixed with a sob. "but she didn't want to fly. she kept telling us plans are dangerous and made us watch final Destination"

"I'm gonna miss her so much" I mumbled. "me too.."

[kaz11283]

I really like the prompt list you reblogged it’s got some good stuff. What about 37. “Because I love you god damn it!” with Loki if you are still needing inspiration.

37) Because I Love You God Damn It!

~~~~

The Secret Is Out

Characters: the Avengers Bunch, Loki, Thor, Clint

Warnings: Dirty words, slight angst

Summary: after putting your life in the line for a teammate you accidentally let a big secret slip.

Announcements: I will always need insperation and requests! They feed my soul! Haha. I'm not gonna lie. Im skipping back and forth on my requests though. I have a really good story line for one but its just so emotional(thats were Im hoping it goes at least) that I didnt want to write it tonight and put my self in a mood. So instead I guess im goimg with a form of anger? Meh. Anyways... I absolutly love love love everything from you guys! The reblogs, likes, and comments are amazing and I am very greatful for all the love I am getting!!!! 💚💚💚💚💚

Loki Masterlist

~~~~

The fight had been rough but not as rough as you were feeling in the moment. You had gotten serverly hurt and had been in the medbay for about a week now and you had a longer road ahead. There had been an explosion and instead of turning to run away you had ran toward one of your team members that had been to distracted to realize what was going on, you had successfully gotten him shoved out of the way but you had taken the brunt of the blast.

Now you were laying here staring at the celing trying to stay distracted as Bruce and Tony looked at your completely shaddered knee and the burns up your leg. Fingers crossed that they would have good news soon.

"Well as of right now kid your out of commission." Tony said helping you sit back up.

"Meaning?" You pulled one of the pillows down so that you could sit up without being uncomfortable.

"Meaning right now, the way it all looks, your gonna be stuck in the bed until it fully heals and after wards theres really no way to tell if your going to be able to work in the field again." Burce said looking at the xrays again. "And your gonna have to have surgery in order to put all the right pieces back in the right places, but we cant really do that until some of the burns heal or at least start to heal. Its gonna be a long drawn out process unfortunately." He sighed setting the charts back down and walking over to you.

"Fucking hell! You mean I'm gonna be pushing paper work? I might as well go work in a damn office with four white walls and a poster that says 'hang in there, its almost Friday'." You placed your head in your hands.

"Hey! At least our paper work is more exciting than just running numbers." Tony said placing a hand on your back. He had been like a fsther to you, taking you in when you didnt have anywhere else to turn except the streets. Your own family had abandoned you at a young age and you had been leaning toward a dark path until Tony. "Besides with your expertise you dont have to sit behind a desk, your fingers arent blown off, you can still hack into stuff I'm sure."

"Tony we had a deal when I moved in. No hacking but you would train me and I could actually do good. Now look at me."

"I said no hacking the good guys, and if I remember correctly you were the one jumping close to the bomb not away from. I hate to be this way y/n but the only one to blame is yourself on this one."

"He would have been worst off than I am if not killed. I think I did the right thing. Besides you would have done the same thing if you had been closer." You sighed.

"Honey the diffrence with that is I have a supersuit, you wear a skin tight, spandex one peice, that I'm not a fan of." He laughted. Bruce had went to go get you some more pain killers to shoot into your IV.

"Tony if I were you I would shut up. Your starting to sound like you might actually love me, might even say your starting to act like a dad." You laughed pulling him into a hug.

"Shut it kid, cant let the others know I have a soft spot for the hacker orphan kid i took in all those years ago now can I." He said kissing the top of your head. "Do you need anything else before the drugs kick in and you pass out again?"

"Yes, can you please bring me my phone charger, laptop, and that really fluffy blanket that you and Pep got for me for Christmas."

"Dont ask to much of me now."

"I wouldnt be asking if you would just let me stay in my room. I hate it down here. I wanna be were the people are." You were starting to get loopy from whatever Bruce had given you.

"Ok little mermaid, get some rest I'll get your stuff." He laughed walking out the door letting you fall into a restless sleep.

You didnt know how long you hade been asleep but you woke up with a groan trying to sit up so you could atleast stretch your back from laying in one spot for to long. You flopped back down dramatically with a sigh. You could sense someine else in the room with you, you always knew when he was around.

"You dont have to hide in the shadows Loki. Your more than welcome to keep me company, you should know that by now." You smiled as the prince walked over and sat in the chair beside you. You could tell he hadnt been sleeping, his hair was fixed as always but his clothes looked worst for wear. He had on a plain black shirt and a pair of gray sweat pants, both of with had wrinkles in them either from tossing and turning or from not being changed in a few days.

"Whats wrong? And dont pull that 'nothing is wrong dear. I'm absolutly fine.' Bullshit. You look horrible." You reatched out to grab his hand. What you and Loki had was diffrent. You didnt just see his as a friend, he didnt just see you as that either though. You had spent many nights sitting up with the silver tounge man many nights laying on the couch watching movies, reading, talking about each of your pasts. He knew more about you than even Tony did.

"I'm still currently trying to wrap my head around why you pushed me out of the way and took the blow when you had a chance of dying from it. You shouldnt have been so thick headed my dear." He took your hand and raised it to his lips kissing the top of your hand.

"Loki." You sighed rolling your head to look back up at the celing. "You would have been hurt alot wordt than I am now, that blast could have killed you."

"I am a god y/n, that blast wouldnt have caused me nearly as much damage as it did you." His voice raised slightly.

"Thats what you think. You think that because you are "immortal" that you can take anything thats thrown at you. That no one really cares about you, that you wouldnt be missed? So why not try to take a blow from a bomb? My god your so stupid sometimes."

"I know I can. Norns y/n I've jumped into space, been brain washed, tried to take over New York, gotten smashed around by the Hulk. I was raised with Thor, he doesnt really go easy on a person. What I'm saying is I dont understand why you, a mear midguardian, would sacrifice themselves for me. If anything would have happened-"

"Nothing did happen though. I'm fine-"

"You have steel sticking from your leg, theres no telling when or even if you'll be able to walk again, and there are highly server burns that will leave scares. You cannot sit there and tell me that you are fine."

"Your right it does suck that I'm jot gonna be able to pull off shorts or a bikini anymore."

"This isnt a joke y/n. You almost died!" He finally yelled.

"And i would do it a thousand times over if that ment saving your damn ass again!" You shouted back.

"Why though?! Why me y/n? I've done horrible things, killed people! My life is meaningless." Tears had sprang to his eyes as he looked away.

"Because I love you God damn it!" You stopped suddenly your jaw dropping at the admission that you hadnt ment for him to hear. His head jerked back to you.

"What?" Shock was all over his face as he stood to walk closer to you. "What did you just say?"

"Because I love you Loki Odinson. Because if you were to die I dont think I would be able to go on living. Because even if you see all the bad things that you've done I can look pass that amd see all the good that you are doing." You reached up placing a hand on his cheek and wiping away a tear.

"I love you too y/n. I have since the day I met you. The girl that didnt care what anyone said when she spent time with me. The girl that can see through every face i put on. I love you so much darling." He placed his hand on your face and leaning down gently kissing your lips.

It felt like you thought it always should you felt electricity run through your body and the two of you connected. It was like getting a breath after not being able to for so long. He pulled away smiling at you.

"What do we tell the others?" He asked laying on with bed with you being easy with your leg. He placed his arm around your middle and pulled you as close as he could.

"I honestly dont care what we tell them. They can figure it out themseves for all I care." You smiled lacing your fingers with his, you yawned placing your head on his shoulder closing your eyes.

"Sleep now my Dove, I will be here when you wake." He felt your gentle breath slow as you fell asleep, the rhythm you of your breath lulling him into his own sleep.

Tony and Bruce walked in the next morning stopping dead at the sight in front of them. You and Loki were still cuddled on the small bed sleeping peacefully.

"Should we wake them up?" Bruce asked looking at Tony.

"Na, let them sleep. Dont want to let them know that we know." Tony saod grabbing Bruce's arm and turning to walk back out of the door.

~~~~

Tag List:

@kgirardin

@sophlubbwriting

@supbeeches

@high-functioning-lokipath

[sopeyb23-blog]

Coming home

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Final

Summary: Spencer deals with the news he has received

Warnings: Anxiety, crying, panic, trauma, self harm, suicide, death (past), injury, stalking, swearing, angst

Pairing: Spencer Reid x OC

words: 1.6k 

A/N: The final Part!!!! again this one is pretty dark, but not quite as difficult or long as the last one. I cried yall. 

*I do not own any CM characters

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Part 10

Spencer~

I must have sat there in silence for at least five minutes. I kept my hand on her back and tried to keep my own breathing calm. I know it's cliche to say I never thought it would happen to me. But it's true. Even in my line of work, you never think it'll happen to you, until it does. I stared at the dirt beneath my feet and wondered what question to ask first. When I finally lifted my head, hers was down, refusing to meet my face.

“So, Ben?” It wasn't the first on my list, but I knew the story hadn't ended just yet. She only stopped it there because she was too afraid, and I knew that feeling all too well.

“He received an envelope the same as mine two weeks before he killed himself.” My brain switched modes as she spoke. I went from boyfriend to profiler before I could really stop myself. I mean, anyone would in that situation right? It can't just be a coincidence.

“Did you know that-”

“That he was going to kill himself? No. he sent me pictures of his envelope just like I did when we were in highschool. We talked on the phone hours before. I've talked to people on the edge before, I've talked people off the edge before. He wasn't planning it. That i'm sure about.”

I thought back to the first night she stayed at my apartment. Before we moved in together, I think it was after about a month of dating that she slept there for the first time. I remembered how guarded she was at first. How she would always wear something that went at least down to her knees. That first night she put on a sweater of mine and for the first time I saw her scars. Not just on her legs, but on her torso as well. Long intentional, surgical scars. I never asked. 

“Soph, those scars, were they from-” she cut me off again, hearing me say it seemed to be too much for her.

“Some of them are from the surgeries. Some aren't”  the pain in her voice was too much. It wasn't fair. She didn't deserve this. What I would do if I could get my hands on the man that did this-

“Let me find him.”  it came out before I even knew I wanted to say it. 

Sophie~

I finally looked up. 

“What?”

“Let me find the man who did this. Give me the word and I will have the whole team looking for him. Or just me, I don't care about who does it. Let me make sure that he can't take one more thing from you.”

The tears that I had just gotten to stop came back. I knew he would do that. I knew he would do anything to protect me. But to be honest, I didn’t feel like I deserved it. 

“After all the lies that I've told to you? My best friend killed himself because of someone that only wanted to hurt me. How am I any better than he is?” 

My lips trembled when I looked at Spencer. Even in all of the pain that he has been in, all of the emotions I'm sure he felt as I told him my story, he hadn’t cried. Not until now.

Spencer~

I had kept strong for her. As she first saw me, when she first heard me speak, when she told me of all that happened to her. But hearing her blame herself. Her pain was so evident. It broke my heart more than I knew was possible. I took my hand from her back and put it on her cheek so she had no choice but to look at me.

“You listen to me. This was not your fault, do you understand? You did not lie to me, you kept strong to protect me, to protect everyone! There was no way you could have known that after all this man had done to you he was going to hurt someone else! None of this is on you! I love you so, so, so much, and i'm so-” My voice cracked as I cried and trembled. “So sorry that you thought you had to do this alone. So please, please. Let me do this for you.”

She stayed quiet as she sobbed and trembled but finally nodded. She squeezed her eyes shut and I pulled her into me. I would die before letting anything else get to her.

__________

Eventually, after the both of us had laughed and wiped the snot and tears from each other's faces we hobbled back into the house where her sister was waiting.

“So?”

“I promise the both of you, I will find this man.”

She looked back at me and nodded before reaching out to Sophie and pulling her into a hug. 

“Good, it's about time someone did.”

I walked to the couch and pulled my phone from the hospital bag before calling Garcia.

“Boy wonder! You don't text, you don't call! Where have you been!” her voice made me smile, she was always a little light in the darkness.

“I know, I know, I'm sorry, I've been dealing with a lot. Garcia I need you to do something for me,”

“Anything, what do you need?”

“Can you get the rest of the team on the phone?”

“Hah, can I, of course I can! Think who you're talking to. Hold please.” She paused and I heard several other lines connect.

“Alright and here we are, Reid everyones on the line now”

“Thanks Garcia. I need everyone's help.” 

_________

(3 month time jump)

Sophie~

I waited anxiously on the large bed in Spencer and I’s room. My phone sat beside my leg and I nervously checked it every few seconds waiting for the call that could change my life.

Three months ago Spencer called his team and told them my story. He explained to them everything leading from when I was sixteen to the moment Spencer was shot. The team agreed to help the both of us and gathered as much information as they could. About one week ago Spencer got a call from Emily just after we had arrived back home in DC. -

“So?” I paced around our apartment anxiously as he set his phone down on the coffee table.

“They think they found him.” I stopped walking around right as the words came out of his mouth and gulped.

“Do you think-”

“It's him, Sophie. It's him”- And Spencer was right. It was him. They left that night for Maine. I fought and fought, trying to convince all of them, but in the end Spencer convinced me not to. -

“Spence you don’t understand! I have to go!”

“Look at me. I know how much this means to you, I do. You can not come with us. I can’t put you at risk like that!”

“Spencer the last time you were there you were shot! Five goddamn times!” He ran a hand through his hair and grabbed my hand from where he sat on the couch. He pulled me into his lap and looked me right in the eyes.

“I will get him, I promise. I will call you every hour and I will even stay with your sister if it means you don't come. Trust me, I want you with me every moment! But I want you alive more.”-  So, I stayed. He kept his promise to me. He called me every hour and never once did I hear the dreaded dial tone. He stayed with my sister and her husband and kids, and every time he came home, Lu would send me a picture of him with my nieces and nephews. A couple of hours ago he called me, one of his hourly check-ins but the tone of his voice was different. He was trying to hide something from me. -

“Spencer what's going on?”

“Nothing I promise!”

“No, there's definitely something happening! What's going on Spence?”

“We found him.”

“Yeah, I know that, that's why you're in Maine, what do you mean?”

“No, Sophie, we found his house. He’s in custody right now.” My heart stopped for a moment.

“Soph? You there?”

“Im here, i’m here”

“All we need now is a confession. Emily and JJ are working on him right now.” -  He reassured me that he was okay, and said he would call me soon. He texted me at his next check-in saying he was fine but that he needed to work on the confession, that he would call me when they got it, when they were leaving. And just like that my phone rang. I almost fell off of the edge of the bed to grab it, dropping my phone in the process.

“Spence?”

“Yeah, yeah, it’s me babe”

“So?” My heart rate sped up and I felt light headed

“We got it Soph.” I cried and put a hand on my chest. Years of pain. Years of being paranoid. Years of never seeing my family out of fear that it would hurt them. Years of thinking that my best friend's death was my fault. And just like that, the man who caused all of it. All of my pain and my fear and my panic and my trauma and my scars. Just like that, it's gone.

“Sophie are you still there?”

“yeah, yeah, im here, sorry, it's just-”

“I know, I know. It’s okay now” I nodded even though I knew he couldn't see me.

“Sophie, I'm coming home”

With three words he saved me. With three words he made all of my fear for him worth it. He made every second worth it. He made coming home worth it.

[cetologies]

i once again... need to vent. so i apologize. i don’t have another outlet but it is under a read more. this is my personal experience, on the off-chance someone reads this and decides to pick a fight with me. i feel like i don’t have to say that but alas, the internet.

posting this late at night so hopefully too many won’t be subjected to it. i go into detail a little bit on this stuff.

tw: ED, body dysmorphia, OCD, depression, SH, anxiety, s//cide ment

i’m sorry i tried to tag it as well as possible to cater to anything blacklisted, i will most likely delete this but otherwise if something needs to be tagged differently please tell me 

this is definitely the worst i’ve felt in a long time. years probably. and some of it is my fault, so i feel like i’m not allowed to complain. but i will anyway. all i’m asking is to get down to 115 again. i was that small when i was 16 and i want to be there again. i haven’t weighed myself with intention to see what weight i am in maybe 4-5 years. 

i make it a point when i go to doctors offices to not tell me my weight. i cover my eyes and *usually* explicitly state that. but i didn’t three years ago, though i said “i don’t want to know my weight” and put my hands over my eyes and she still told me my weight. i remember crying and being loud, the doctor (who had known me for years) had immediately asked the nurse if she told me my weight.

i’ve always had body image issues but holy shit not like this. i’ve suffered with depression and anxiety most of my life. i’ve ticked off almost every single box in terms of diagnosed mental illnesses (except schizophrenia... which even that i’m starting to check off a few). but like i said, holy shit never like this. i would like to say this is harder to deal with than the anxiety/depression i previously have dealt with, but i dont know anymore.

this definitely hurts so bad though. i am getting depressed again, and cannot see this getting better anytime soon. partially my fault once again. i’d just like to lose a little more weight before seeing a doctor. i think i weighed (at the time of that incident above) around 129?? which is... healthy for my height but so is 115. 

my problem is i can’t eat. i can’t think about eating. my default state is now just nausea. i get nauseous from not eating, i get nauseous thinking about eating, and i get nauseous from eating. since october i cant stomach anything. i started adderall in december and it made it 10x worse. i’ve since switched to adderall xr (adzenys?) and i can at least drink water now and only a get half as nauseous. but that was really scary!! i had a little swig of water, no more than a sip, and had to lay down for 4 hours because i was so nauseous. 

my main issue is now i feel guilty for eating. which is normal for eating disorders. but i can’t eat more than 100 calories without wanting to self harm. it’s ridiculous, and i know it’s ridiculous but unfortunately that’s the number i can’t let go. i cried for an hour today bc i ate those lil brownie little bites and it was the second thing i ate today (aside from celery, which i also got sick and felt bad about eating bc i googled the calories: 60) and accidently saw how many calories they were. 240. 

so i ate 300 calories today and that was enough to make me want to vomit (i can’t, i’m emetophobic) and crawl into a hole and disappear. i have never ever dealt with stuff like this before and it’s so scary. i’m afraid my health is failing because of it but i can’t stop. it’s so unrealistic to eat less than 100 calories a day. the standard recommended is 2000, yet for some reason i can’t eat more than 100 without wanting to die

i check my body measurements 3-4 times a day. i spend at LEAST two hours in front of a mirror body checking and looking at my figure from all angles. these issues have definitely stemmed from my figure along with my insecurities. my entire life the only thing i’ve been complimented on is my measurements. it’s all i have. i’m not very pretty, but people are in love with my figure. and i am too! so many people tell me my body is great the way it is but i don’t care what they think, i care what i think. and i think i need to go back down to 115. 

i’ve chalked up my self worth to my body measurements. it’s not something that’s generally achievable without surgery, so it feels almost like a trophy to me because of how fucked up my brain is. i can’t lose it because that’s the only thing that i like about myself. or at least the only thing i like about myself that i don’t want to impulsively destroy like my eyelashes

and it’s not like i’m trying to achieve a completely flat stomach or anything. i just look a little disproportionate to me, since i carry fat only in the stomach. a little pudge is natural and i understand that. like i said, 115 is still healthy for 5′3′’. it’s not like im trying to drop down below 100. i had told myself once i lost the weight, then i’ll go get help for the fact i am violently nauseous no matter what.

which leads me to my next problem: this is my only solution. i can’t lose weight through exercise (esp exercise that involves numbers) bc of my OCD. i have such bad obsessive nature with any numbers (as stated w/ my weight, my body measurements, etc) and like i did when i started looking at calories, i’ll become so obsessive with exercise that if he doesn’t reach my fantastical expectations, i’ll want to self harm.

something that’s really making me upset is i specifically never looked at calories, checked my weight, etc. because i knew this would happen. i went out of my way to avoid stuff like this bc i knew i was susceptible to this kind of thinking and it still happened anyway. my body is going to start shutting down soon if it hasn’t started already. 

it’s fucking ridiculous though! i’ve tried to kill myself (and still, suffering as i am, i still thank god i made it out alive) and it’s just crazy that that was over anxiety, depression, agoraphobia, bullying, etc. and now i want to kill myself bc i ate CELERY!!! bc it’s 60 calories!!! like its so illogical!! i’m a very naturally logical person so this is just like each side of my brain hitting the other with a bat.

it doesn’t look like i’ve lost any weight, despite purposely not eating for 4 months. my grades are bad, my gpa dropped .5 points bc of covid and i’m fucking stupid anyway. i try my best not to self harm bc of my fear of blood but i usually end up scratching myself til i bleed anyway. 

i’m suffering and trying my best to make it through this but i’m trying my best. i just want to wait to get help until i lose a little more. but i am fucking suffering. all i want is to eat again. or at least to eat and not feel guilty afterwards. my portions are so much smaller, i can only eat a few bites of any meal and it’s so fucking scary but i can’t stop myself from wanting to lose more.

like i said, i’ve always had body image issues but nothing like this. i’m so so so scared but. there’s nothing my brain will allow me to do until i lose a little more weight. im afraid im causing/on the road to causing irreversible damage but i just!! can’t stop!! not being able to eat more than 100 calories is so fucking ridiculous i’m ashamed of myself. i shouldn’t be having anxiety attacks over eating celery.

[msjr0119]

We Belong

Part 9

Evangeline Bruley returns to Cordonia to take over her families Duchy. She was betrothed to the now King, however he is engaged to Duchess Riley but still has lingering feelings towards his first love. What will happen during her time back in Cordonia?

Just using combined tag list- if you want to be removed just let me know 😊

@pedudley @kacie-0156 @loveellamae @annekebbphotography @burnsoslow @ladyangel70 @kingliam2019 @bbrandy2002 @butindeed @bascmve01 @drakewalker04 @captain-kingliamsqueen @duchessemersynwalker @insideamirage @kozabaji @texaskitten30 @ibldw-main @kimmiedoo5 @nikkis1983 @gnatbrain @walker7519 @lodberg @cmestrella @hopefulmoonobject @addictedtodrakefanfic @angi15h @liamxs-world @rafasgirl23415 @notoriouscs @yukinagato2012 @dcbbw @qammh-blog @nz1091 @cordonianroyalty @custaroonie @seriouslybadchoices @rainbowsinthestorm @princess-geek @jared2612 @desiree---1986 @gardeningourmet @twinkle-320 @queenjilian @forthebrokenheartedthings-blog @princessleac1 @scarletreesex

Wahay I’ve finally wrote a full chapter 🙌🏼- thank you everyone who has asked how I am, I’m getting there. If there’s any spelling mistakes etc, just please ignore it and I’ll rectify it when I can 😘

Warnings: Swearing, alcohol abuse, mention of murder, loss, slight grief, marshmallow Drakey.

*****

Maybe I’ve been foolish letting you down

I’ve been a little selfish not being around

But if I lost you I’d be helpless inside

Gotta hold on to our love tonight

Cause now that I found that someone I believe in

And I feel so complete by your side

It’s the only time I’ll ever love somebody baby in my life

We gotta hold on to our love tonight

I know that you’ve been hurting

The pains in your eyes

I promise you im changing I feel it inside

I dont know what I would do if it all passes by

We gotta hold on to our love tonight

When you find love never let it go

Because now I realise what your mean to me

Cause now that I found that someone I believe in

And I feel so complete by your side

It’s the only time I’ll ever love somebody baby in my life

Drake stayed by Evie’s side as he sung the song in her ear. Holding onto her hand, he became clammy hoping that she would soon wake up. She had just returned from surgery, the doctors briefly explained that it could have been worse, but there was something they was keeping from him as he wasn’t recorded as the next of kin. The next of kin for her was Olivia once her parents had passed away.

“How’s she doing?” Liam asked as he arrived at her bedside. Drake was confused as to why he was here, it was his wedding night and he should be embracing it with his new Queen.

“She’s breathing. She’s alive. They haven’t said much due to me not being next of kin. Where’s Brooks? Shouldn’t you be with her?”

“Riley understands. Don’t worry about her, Hana is with her. Your mom is in the cells with Duke Tobias. I think my country needs me here at this moment in time. Both of them mentioned about this Anton person but we don’t know who he is or where he is. Riley and myself have made a joint decision to postpone our honeymoon. Evie is everyone’s priority. Justin the press secretary offered to talk to Bianca and Tobias believing as an outsider that they may open up to him more, I didn’t really understand why but it worked.”

“Bianca! Toby! I demand answers now! Evie is fighting for her life. It’s my wedding day. An event that neither of you were invited to!” Punching the table in front of him, this gesture made the two prisoners jump slightly- hoping now that they realised how much trouble they were in. Or so Liam believed.

“I didn’t mean to stab her Liam. We have a past, I wouldn’t hurt her again.”

“Oh course you wouldn’t.” Bianca responded sarcastically. Not giving two damns about him pining for Evie, like her son.

“Shut the fuck up! You don’t know anything about mine and Evie’s relationship.”

Bastien interrupted the conversation, explaining that Justin was outside urgently needing to talk to Liam.

“Justin? How may I help you?”

“I heard about what had happened? Is her majesty okay?” And alive, fucking useless morons.

“Yes, luckily. But it’s my dearest friend Evie that got the wrath of it.”

“As I am Riley’s press secretary, maybe I could have a word with them both? They may speak to me more as I’m not the King.”

Liam agreed, not knowing if they would open up or not. Justin explained that he would enter without company and if there was any danger he would exit the cell immediately.

“Now I know how you could mistake two beautiful brunettes- but you stabbed the wrong one! What happened?”

“I did as planned, I saw the Queen and I had the knife in my hand ready to threaten her. But my ex fiancée Evangeline was forced into me by her. She’s a liability Anton. She’s always drunk!”

“Bianca, you want revenge on the crown but as Toby said, you’re a liability. When am I going to have chance to take the royal family out now?”

“I’m sorry. Please forgive me. I’ll try harder. We want the same. I don’t understand your reasoning though Duke Tobias.”

“I haven’t really got any vendetta, I’m just in it for the money. Myself and Liam were friends as children. Our parents were allies. Then we drifted apart. Anton can you get any information on Evie for me please.”

“You don’t deserve any information. So plan D. We failed to kill Riley because your son jumped in front of her, the roof didn’t kill anyone and they all went on that stupid unity tour, you both cocked up plan C.”

“Plan D?” They both said in unison.

“Plan D, I will inform Liam that one of you are totally innocent with the tragic event that occurred tonight. One of you will be let free. I will get the crown with or without your help!”

Exiting the cell, he informed the guards to separate the two prisoners as they began a fight. Lying, he faked shaking- making it out that he was a hero getting a slight bit of information.

“So?” Liam asked, still frustrated with the events that had happened.

“Your majesty, I’m so sorry. You have a traitor within your ‘court’. One of them is innocent, they are sincere. The other one is mentally not stable. This person is the ringleader and they were involved in every assassination attempt that has occurred. The one that injured Sir Walker, the one that nearly killed your father when the roof collapsed, then tonight.”

“Which one Justin?”

“Sir, the innocent party in this is.....” Whispering in his ear the name, Liam grit his teeth. Anger raging through his body.

“Thank you for your help Justin. I have to go and visit Evie. If the press require a statement, could you inform them that there is no comment at this moment in time? I’d appreciate that. I’ll deal with them tomorrow.”

“Of course your majesty. Anything.”

Liam reiterated his point of view from the interaction in the cells, Drake shook his head, ashamed to have a mother like her.

“What’s going to happen to my mom Liam?” Drake wasn’t concerned about his mother’s punishment- as far as he was aware she was now non existent with her confession regarding the Bruleys and the involvement in Evie’s attack.

“I’ll leave that decision up to the council, and Evie when she pulls through. Do you want a coffee?”

“You’re trying to make me leave her aren’t you?”

“You have your own mind Drake, but you look knackered. Max has brought you some spare clothes too. We will be five minutes tops. Olivia can come in and sit with her.” Drake nodded, knowing his friend was correct in some manner. He didn’t want Evie to wake up, seeing him wearing a suit that was covered in her blood, potentially traumatising her more. Kissing her on the forehead, Liam’s heart sunk- seeing his best friend broken in front of him. Realising how much love Drake had for Evie, he had hoped that she would forgive him for his silly mistake.

*****

Olivia entered the room, asking for time alone with Evie without Maxwell being a burden breaking down even more.

“You’re not superwoman you know Evie, I know Drake fucked up- but he loves you. I hope your stubborn ass will forgive him. I hope there’s no recording of me saying this, I still hate him.” Laughing to herself, she hated seeing her best friend in this way- ready to cause havoc if she ever saw Bianca Walker and Toby again.

“Duchess Olivia I assume? My name is Dr Hussain. May I have a moment of your time please.”

“You assume correct. What is the matter?”

“On our records you are Duchess Evangeline’s next of kin. I assume Mr Walker is close to her, but I have to let you know about her injuries.”

“Go on...”

“We stopped the bleeding from the open wound, however there was more bleeding from elsewhere. Was Duchess Evangeline aware that she was pregnant?”

“Was?”

“Yes, unfortunately once we realised the possibility of why she was bleeding we did an ultrasound - there was no heartbeat.” Olivia remained silent, not knowing how to comprehend the news- looking at Evie, her heart shattered in pieces for her.

“Dr Hussain, can we not inform her straight away about the miscarriage? She’s been through enough, I’m sure King Liam would agree.” The doctor explained that he would have to inform his patient before discharging her but agreed for the time being to remain mute- he also explained the outcome of what was due to happen once the miscarriage was fully over. As Evie couldn’t consent on what to do regarding her miscarriage at the moment, there was three options; wait for her body to naturally remove the baby, take a pill, or have a surgical removal of the baby.

Leaving Olivia alone with Evie, she wiped the tears that were pouring down her cheek- thinking about what the best option was for her friend.

“Look at what you’ve made me do now, I’m crying- I’m Olivia Nevrakis I never cry. I forgive you for puking in my Prada bag- or do I? I can replace that, but I can’t replace you. For fuck sake Evie, in future just stand in the corner of the room like your lover and not interfere with anyone. Or at least leave it to someone like me- who actually carries self defence weapons in case of emergencies.” Hearing the door open, she grabbed a tissue and over exaggerated blowing her nose- hoping this would be a good enough excuse for why her eyes were watering.

“Liv? Is everything okay? Are you crying?”

“Me cry? Ha! Don’t be stupid Walker. It’s dusty in here, not doing my allergies any good. Where’s Liam?”

“He’s on the phone to the kings guard, something about Toby or my mom.”

“Good! Well not good. Just sit with me.” Drake hesitantly sat beside her, wondering why she forced his hand onto Evie’s.

“Drake, I don’t like you. I never have done, and I probably never will do. But you two belong with each other. There’s something I need to tell you....” Taking a deep breath, Drake noticed tears creeping from the duchesses eyes. “Evie was pregnant. She lost the baby. I’m so sorry.”

“She... my baby... I...it’s my fault...” Pulling him into her embrace, she was grateful that there was some hand sanitiser near by- not that Drake had germs, she just didn’t like him or his heavy whiskey scent.

“It’s not your fault Drake...” although you publicly dumped her, and your mother caused this- but I won’t say that out loud. “I’ll leave you alone with her, looks like you have a lot of grovelling to do. If you need anything just let me know.”

“Thanks Liv, but you know I still hate you right?”

“The feelings are mutual Walker.” Winking at him, she provided him with a smile- a genuine sincere smile. Something that he never believed he would receive from his worse enemy.

Cause now that I found that someone I believe in

And I feel so complete by your side

It’s the only time I’ll ever love somebody baby in my life

We gotta hold on to our love tonight

“Hold on to our love forever, please wake up soon. I love you.” Drake placed one hand into hers, and the other lingering over her stomach. Attempting to fight back the tears, he couldn’t prevent them from falling. I’m so sorry.

*****

Drake fell asleep, leaning over the bed- his emotions had got the best of him. All the what if’s still roaming through his subconscious mind. The guilt hammering and stabbing him constantly in his heart. Evie began to stir, the bright light preventing her eyes to open fully.

“Drake?” Her voice was hoarse, his name barely escaped her chapped and dry lips. Pressing the buzzer next to her arm, she wanted assistance due to him being ‘crashed out’. The three friends waiting outside rushed in first after hearing the alarm. Panic setting in, wondering if Evie had potentially had a sudden relapse.

“Evie!” Maxwell screeched, waking Drake up from his slumber.

“Is there a problem?” Dr Hussain questioned as a team of staff rushed in all breathless.

“I pressed... it... I... you can... all go...I don’t want any visitors.”

“Evie? You need us here to help you.” Liam insisted- instead of responding Evie looked into Drake’s eyes, before brushing his hand away and focusing her gaze elsewhere. Not making any eye contact with any of her friends.

“I just want to be alone.”

“I think you should all leave. If Duchess Evangeline changes her mind regarding visitors we shall let you know.” Liam tapped Drake on the shoulder, his body was all frozen- not expecting for her to react this way. Escorting him out, he asked Maxwell and Olivia to sit with him.

“Dr Hussain, a word outside if I may?”

“Duchess Olivia informed me about Evangeline’s miscarriage. I don’t know about hospital policies but I am begging you as your monarch to not inform her about this. It has to come from Drake, the father of the baby. I will ensure that none of the staff will be blamed for this deceit and will get you to fill a form out. Do I make myself clear?”

“Yes, your Majesty. I will keep Duchess Olivia upto date with news regarding discharge if she still refuses to see anyone.”

*****

Three Weeks Later:

Liam entered the Duchy, not knowing what to expect- not knowing how Evie would respond to him showing up unexpectedly. As he was King, he knew she didn’t have the authority to throw him out as she had done everyone else over the weeks since returning from hospital.

Remember Liam, don’t tell her about the baby. That shouldn’t come from you.

I know Liv! I’m not stupid! I just want to make sure that she is okay, that she is eating and looking after herself.

You should be on your honeymoon with Riley. Leo’s sorting out Toby and Bianca. Evie is not your concern Liam.

She’s still my best friend, and if she is willing to talk to me - I’m going to talk to her. Riley understands. I’ll keep you updated. You check on Drake.

“Hello Evangeline.” Looking up from the kitchen table, she sighed as Annabelle the majordomo escorted Liam in.

“Your majesty.”

“Evie, come on. No titles required.”

“Liam.” Emphasising his name, she stared vacantly into the black coffee as Annabelle excused herself. Liam had hired her against Evie’s wishes, but she had been closed off from everyone- not allowing anyone to see her.

“Shouldn’t you be on your honeymoon?” She questioned with a slight bit of sarcasm in her voice- not really understanding why he was here, again.

“Should be but I’ve had a lot to deal with, and we need to make sure you are fine.”

“Oh I’m fine. A stab wound to add to the bruised ribs. Danger just loves to follow me around.”

“Exactly, so you need to allow us to see you. You need to talk to Dr....”

“I do not need to talk to Drake. He’s the reason why I’m like this. His mother is the reason I am like this. End of story.” He needs to talk to you.

“How about I make us something to eat, then we can watch titanic. I know I’m not Max. But I can cry like he does.” Liam faked crying, very over dramatically- providing Evie to laugh for the first time in weeks. And there’s that beautiful smile, baby steps. Liam managed to fix a meal together for the two of them, finding pasta and sauce in the cupboard it was a basic meal. Evie hesitantly ate it, but he could see that she was being stubborn. Smiling softly at her, gave her the encouragement to eat it all. They settled on the couch, and as promised he put titanic on. They spent the entire movie sitting close to each other, Liam kept his arm around her as she snuggled into his embrace. The cuddles they shared felt like a little touch of heaven- content with each other like when they was younger. Even though he was married with a pregnant wife, Liam had wished that he could extend his stay just so he could stay close to her for longer, keeping her safe in his arms and embrace. It was the closest anyone had been with her, and he felt relieved that someone could make her finally open up- even if it was just her arms wrapped around him. Cupping her cheek, he felt a dampness in his his fingertips- now realising that she had been crying once the film had ended.

“Evie?”

“Yes?”

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine Liam. Thank you for coming. I now understand that this is probably what I needed.” Liam drew closer towards her, she could feel her heart beat so hard- scared that he would feel it. Kissing her softly on the cheek, left a small damp mark- knowing this was his way of being polite, a sign of their long term friendship she didn’t read too much in to it. A small grin crept onto his face as he pulled away silently. His eyes locking on to hers as her cheeks painted themselves a bright shade of red. Unexpectedly his lips brushed hers not in an innocent manner it was more passionate and demanding. Knowing deep down this was wrong, she needed to pull away before she lost herself in to him- but she couldn’t. It was as if all her senses had disappeared, she couldn’t think straight. Guilt. Guilt was the devil on her shoulder encouraging her to resist the soft touch of the King. The angel suddenly forced its way into her mind, making her push him away- knowing she had crossed the line. She was now a hypocrite calling Riley the ‘court whore’.

“I... I think you should... go.” Shaking his head, he blatantly ignored her suggestion. Instead he stood up, holding his hand out to her- leading her upstairs.

Fuck, startled she sat up in bed in a shot, sweat dripping off her forehead. Why am I dreaming about Liam?

“Are you okay your grace?”

“Yes, thank you. Sorry if I woke you. And please just call me Evie. I’ve been telling you this for weeks now, I’m sorry I was horrible to you when you first arrived- I was more angry towards Liam than you for his deceit. I’m happy he hired you on my behalf now, so please- we are friends. I’m Evie to you, not your grace.”

“Sorry, Evie. How are you feeling? Do you need me to do anything for you?”

“No, thank you - Annabelle. When’s the council meeting?”

“This afternoon at 1pm. His majesty called by late last night to remind me. He was occupied by Duchess Olivia and Sir Walker.....”

“Good evening Annabelle, is Duchess Evangeline available?” Annabelle opened the door allowing the visitors to enter the Duchy. Curtsying for Liam, she regained her normal posture before biting her lip- nervous that she was once again going to have to refuse them from seeing Evie.

“Your majesty, she is asleep. She still isn’t up for visitors. May I help?”

“We was hoping to speak to her, but it’s okay. The council meeting tomorrow is at one o’clock- if the Duchess is going to be attending could you inform her please. If she doesn’t attend we all understand.”

“Of course your Majesty. Is that all?”

“Is she eating?” Olivia asked, that was her main priority over the council meeting. Ensuring that her stubborn friend wasn’t killing herself out of spite.

“Yes your grace, I ensure that she is looking after herself. To begin with she was very withdrawn, and still is in some context. Sir Walker...”

“Just call me Drake. Please.”

“Drake... I know you need to talk to her personally, but give her time. She’s been through a lot- she will eventually become the Evie you all once knew. Healing takes time.”

“Maybe we should just send Drake upstairs, beg on your knees for forgiveness. Like a dog.” Olivia narrowed her eyes at Drake, the last few weeks she had been like a stuck record- drilling into his head how much he messed up.

“Liv, don’t you think I know that. I just want her to look at me, to talk to me. I fucked up and I want to make amends with her.”

“You’ll have to kiss and make up brother. You must be a better kisser than I was as she chose you. As Annabelle suggested healing takes time. Thank you for your time Annabelle. You’re doing a marvellous job. Goodnight.”

“I did as you said, explaining as I have done since King Liam hired me that you didn’t want any visitors until you was ready.” I know you did Annabelle, I was stood in the shadows overhearing the conversation. Maybe that’s why I dreamt about Liam kissing me?

“Thank you. Shall we go out for breakfast? Change of scenery? My treat as a thank you.”

******

Evie arrived at the palace unusually late- usually she was like Bertrand, insisting that meetings or events you had to be punctual. Walking fast, her breathing was heavy but she believed it was also due to nerves- nerves that were self inflicted as she had chosen to ignore everyone. Forcing the door open, the room went mute all of a sudden. Everyone mirrored the same expression, a big smile.

“Sorry I’m late, stop gawking at me. I’m not a ghost, not yet anyway- maybe next time.” Seeing Liam raise his eyebrows up with her ‘joke’ she sat next to Olivia, who held her friend’s hand. “Carry on Your majesty. I won’t interrupt.”

“It’s nice to see you Evie, I’m sure we can all agree. You showed up at the right time actually, we was about to discuss the punishment options for Bianca Walker and Duke Tobias. We want you to have the final decision as you was affected.”

“Toby can have his dick chopped off for all I care, and exiled out of Cordonia. And for that woman- I think she should face the death penalty.” Everyone provided her with the same look- shock. Obviously they knew she would have anger, but didn’t expect that from the kindness noble they knew - if anyone it would be Olivia that they would expect it from.

“I’m joking....” or am I? “Toby is British, simple- send him home. But with Bianca, I have one suggestion. Not many of you will agree with me, not many of you may like her- but she is still Drake and Savannah’s mom. She tragically lost Jackson, she’s dependent on alcohol. I’ve never had an addiction, but it must be hard to be so reliant on it. Maybe she just needs some rehab and counselling, to become the Bianca- the caring mother, the welcoming friend, we all knew when we was younger. Bartie doesn’t want to see his grandmother the way Drake and Savannah saw her for the majority of their childhoods. She’s not only a mother, but a grandmother to a gorgeous little boy who will want all his nanas attention before they have anymore children- she needs help.” They all gulped, all knowing that Drake hadn’t had the opportunity to tell her about her miscarriage. On behalf on Evie, they agreed with the doctor to allow her body to naturally remove the baby, if she was to question it, Dr Hussain suggested that it was an early period brought on by stress- going against all morals, he didn’t have a choice to rebel against the decision as he was surrounded by nobles and the royal family.

“Liam, can I have a word with you in private please? I’m sure Bertrand could carry on?” Liam nodded, escorting Evie out- he wondered what was on her mind.

“How are you feeling?”

“Where’s Drake? I’m just a bit sore, I had this awful cramping in my stomach- and a heavy period, sorry too much information.” Placing his hands around her waist, he knew what exactly she was referring to- feeling guilt ridden he needed to keep providing that infamous stoic expression as he held her in his arms.

“I’m glad you’re okay, I just wished that you would have seen us all before now. Drake... he’s... he’s not very well.” Oh great, just lie to her yet again. I’m going to have no balls left, once she finds out the truth.

“I see, could you take me to the cells? I’m not bothered about seeing Toby, but I need closure with Bianca.”

“Are you sure that’s wise?”

“Please Liam.”

******

“Bianca...” Evie nervously announced herself into the cell, followed closely by Liam and Bastien. All the hate she had towards the woman, slowly drained away- seeing her in this vulnerable state obviously not having any option but to cold turkey. Bianca bit her nails, her whole body was trembling- until she saw the people enter. Correcting her posture, she knew she had to act ‘sane’ in order to have any chance of escaping any punishment.

“Your majesty, Duchess Evangeline.” Faking a smile, she had lost count of how many days she had been here in the cold yet damp cell. If it wasn’t the rats scurrying past her, she heard the echoes of the guards conversations. “It’s good to see you alive Evie.”

“I’m like a cat, with nine lives- except I’ve only got seven left. I assume that you are wondering why I am here?” Bianca scowled at her, before nodding. “At the council meeting, Liam wanted myself to have the final say about your punishment as you harmed me. Then blamed Toby for it all, you must have forgotten that the Queen was a witness. But anyway, I originally wanted the death penalty. You hurt your children, you lost your husband because of your addiction, you potentially could have killed me. How many more people do you want to hurt?”

“I’ve hurt a few more. Not purposely. One being my own grandchild.” And your parents.

“You’ve hurt Bartie? How low can you stoop?”

“Evie, I think it’s time we left. Bianca, Evie has decided to save your life as long as you agree to counselling and rehab. That was her decision, if you ignore the conditions you will leave me no choice.”

“Why are you changing the subject Liam?”

“I’m not...” Don’t you fucking dare say what I think you are about to, it has to come from Drake.

“Oh Evie, it was fate that my grandchild that you was carrying tragically didn’t want to stay with you.”

“Bianca, I have no idea what you are on about.”

“Ask your precious King Charming if it’s true...” Evie looked towards Liam who was scowling towards the woman as Bastien covered his hand with his mouth, as he shook his head with Bianca’s malicious attitude.

“Li?”

“Evie... fuck. We didn’t want you to know once you’d woken up, you’d been through so much. I’m so sorry. Drake wanted to talk to you, it was between the two of you. We’d assumed you would have let him talk to you.. not shut everyone out...”

“I.. I... we.. we was having a baby? She made me miscarry?”

“As I said it was fate.” Cackling in the background, Evie soon regretted sticking up for the woman in the meeting- her hate had immediately returned with vengeance.

“Liam, I’ve changed my mind. Stick to my original decision- death... I need to find Drake.”

*****

Exiting the cell, she felt as if she was about to hyperventilate. All these weeks, none of her friends had mentioned her true injuries- although she had been avoiding them. Catching her breath, she knocked on his door- not really knowing what to do or say. Believing that everything that was to occur would be spontaneous.

“Go away Liam.” Hearing his voice through the walls, he sounded broken- assuming it was due to her actions, she took a deep breath.

“I was just wondering why you wasn’t present at the meeting.” Hearing the door open, they both stared at each other- neither knowing how to elaborate on this conversation.

“I erm. I wasn’t feeling up to going. Are you okay?”

“Can I come in?”

“I’d rather you didn’t Evie....”

“We need to talk.” Forcing her way through the door, she noticed three empty bottles of whiskey- assuming there would be more if she scrutinised the room. Feeling ashamed with himself, most people would criticise him- but in his mind this was the only way to heal the pain he had gone through alone.

“I’m not an alcoholic...” Defending himself, he hoped that she wouldn’t send him to rehab. Hoping that if he could talk to her and explain his reasons that she may understand.

“Whiskey to you is like tap water it doesn’t affect you. I’m not criticising you Drake. You might want to shave soon though.” Smiling at him, her heart fluttered. Even though he had hurt her, she still cared deeply for him- and always would do.

“You don’t like this look? I think I’d suit a bit of a beard...” Winking at her, she laughed-even if it was quietly he still heard it, not wanting to say anything to push her away he made the decision to let her begin the conversation.

“Actually it does suit you, I’m just used to not seeing you with more than a bit of stubble...” Tracing her fingers along his forming beard-that spark returned with this slight touch. Quickly removing her hand, she saw disappointment in his eyes, but she couldn’t go back to where they was prior to the wedding shower. “So, I saw your mom....”

“Why would you see her? Don’t you ever see her again! Promise me Evie.” She’s a maniac.

“I saw her to personally inform her of her punishment for her harming me....” Pausing, she needed to say more- taking her time, she finally finished her sentence off. “...and our baby.”

“How... how do... you know? I wanted to talk to you about it, but....”

“Your mom blurted it out. I’m so sorry Drake. If I knew... I’d have... I would have... we could have supported each other...” Pulling her into his embrace, she didn’t want to cry in front of him- most people would say it was tragic, that it wasn’t a baby- but to them they would be grieving over the loss of their future together.

“I’m so sorry... I’d have looked after you both, I’d have provided for you both, I’d have loved you both with all my heart.”

“I know you would have done... I’ve got a few things to do, we could meet up tomorrow and talk properly?”

“I’d like that. I wrote you a letter, I wasn’t sure if you was ever going to speak to me again. Here.”

“I’ll read it when I get home, come to mine tomorrow- say brunch time?”

“Sure.” Evie gave him a half hearted smile, walking towards the door- he grabbed her wrist.

“I love you.” Not responding back, she slowly closed the door behind her. Pausing outside in the hallway, she immediately regretted not saying those three words back. Opening the door slowly, she witnessed him pouring the whiskey down the sink- wondering if he was feeling okay. Wondering why he would do that?

“I love you too Drake.” She whispered, before exiting the room once more.

******

Arriving back at her Duchy, Annabelle welcomed her as always. Sitting in the kitchen, her fingers traced the white envelope- hesitating whether to open it or not. Annabelle gave her a coffee, whilst looking at her confused- Evie noticed and decided to confide in the woman sat next to her.

“Drake gave me it, he said he was unsure if I would ever speak to him again. I assume you know about the baby?” Feeling guilty that everyone knew apart from the mother herself, she nodded. “Do you think we’d have made good parents?”

“I believe you would have, no doubt about it. He seems to care a lot about you.”

“Do you have family or friends here in Cordonia?”

“Yes ma’am, not too far from here. Why do you ask?”

“Once you have finished, why don’t you go home and have tomorrow off? I’m fine, if I need you I’ll will contact you.”

“Thank you. I’ll be back early Friday morning.”

“Goodnight Annabelle, and thank you for all your help. I’m going to go upstairs.”

Walking upstairs, she entered the master bedroom. Pulling the dress out of the wardrobe that she was wearing at the royal wedding, the tears that she had so cleverly kept hidden now rushed out like a burst dam. Opening the letter, her mind was flooded by his scent.

Evie, Lina. You’re probably reading this because you are refusing to acknowledge me, not that I blame you one bit. I’m not writing this for you to feel sorry for me, I just need to communicate with you in some way. There are things I need to tell you, things that probably should be said in person. I never wanted to let you go, I love you so much that it hurts. My Mom is poison and always will be, at times I wish she had died rather than my Dad- I know I’m a horrible person for saying this. In my stupid mind, I thought losing you would be for the best, to protect you. Then the night of the wedding, I could have potentially lost you for good- never having the opportunity to tell you how I truly feel. I don’t deserve you, I never have done- I’m just Drake the commoner, who is best friends with the King. The King who gave me a title out of pity, not because I deserved it or earned it. I’m not sure if you know this, but your parents made me heir to your Duchy if anything was to happen to you- could you imagine? I hate nobles. Except Liam and you obviously. Even though you have survived, I still lost a bit of you- a bit of us both. Super spunk here managed to get you pregnant, but we lost our baby. I’m so sorry that I couldn’t protect you both. I’m sat here crying because I just want to hold you in my arms, telling you that everything is going to be okay- that I’m the biggest jerk alive. If you ever decide to talk to me again, I will fight to win your love back- I want a future with you and without you in it my future is bleak. If you just want to stay friends, I suppose having you in my life as a friend is better than nothing at all. I love you so much Evie, and I’ll never stop loving you. D x

Wiping her tears, they just kept appearing- then her thoughts lingered on her parents choice of heir.

“Was you really that desperate for an heir that you’d choose Drake Walker? Seriously?” She managed to laugh in between the tears. “It’s a good job that I’m a fighter, that I decided it wasn’t time... no wonder in my dream Jackson persuaded me to not give up, he knew that Drake wouldn’t cope..” My grandchildren. Grandchildren? Was that my subconscious informing me that I was pregnant? Or was it really Jackson, Mom and Dad? I need to see Drake. Now. Not tomorrow.

Grabbing her coat, car keys and bag- she ran downstairs needing to get to the palace as soon as possible. Hoping that Drake would still be there, if not the only other place would be his cabin. Opening the door, her eyes widened.

“What are you doing here?”

[imaginefanganronpas]

Wisdom-teeth anon here! I just wanted to thank you for taking my request. I’m getting surgery two days from now.

Im done, i did it, please Tell me im not too late, I’m so sorry for taking so long!! Also sorry for the rather intense icon, i don’t have all my icons on the phone!! I got your kind message too, don’t worry, you didn’t make anything worse, I really appreciate that you care so much, but care for yourself first, a wisdom teeth surgery must be so scary, I didn’t have mine yet because I may be a grandma but my wisdom teeth didn’t grow yet, hah... anyway, best of luck and I’m sure that you will rock this surgery! I believe on you! I hope you enjoy this! ^^

(Spoilers for all the victims and killers of sdra2!!)

Save the Victims

Yuri

-You were sprinting outside when you heard Monocrows Body discovery announcement, panting heavily when you skidded into the belltower, only to be greeted by the truly gruesome sight of Yuri, the ultimate spaceman, dead on the ground, body bent and broken….

-You immediately rushed towards the smaller man, getting on your knees and putting your hands on his body, ignoring everyone telling you to stay back because they needed to investigate. No. It wasn’t gonna happen! You needed to do something! Because you were the only one who COULD do something!

-Your hands began to glow, the light slowly migrating over to Yuri’s body, completely engulfing it, everyone only able to stare in complete astonishment and confusion, not knowing what was happening but too entranced to say anything

-It took a few minutes, but eventually the light faded, and you were helping Yuri up, who seemed disoriented, looking around confused. He could have sworn that he died…. how was he here and awake and alive…? Or was the afterlife just the exact same thing as his regular life? He sure hoped it wasn’t…

-But the way everyone was staring at him….he was definitely still alive...he offered a small wave and a weak smile and everyone was so relieved, Shinji literally ran over and picked Yuri up, spinning him around, which made the spaceman scream, because how dare this mal touch him?!?!

-You were watching the scene with a soft smile, before your gaze shifted to Hajime, whose eyes were wide behind the shades, but not in the good way. He seemed panicked. And you knew why.

-You gave Hajime a long look, the boxer almost cowering under your gaze, silently agreeing to a long talk after breakfast where he eventually needed to explain a lot.

-It was good enough for you. Hajime wouldn’t try to kill someone again. You knew it. That thought made you feel better. You loved him after all.

Kokoro

-You already had a weird feeling the entire day. Kokoro was behaving odd….. nothing should be wrong with her, she was being her usual self, but something bothered you, you just couldn’t put your finger on it….

-So to find Kokoro like this shocked but not surprised you. You still reeled back, before heading towards her and assessing the situation. She was definitely dead, no doubt about it… just a good thing that you could do something about this!

-So you took Kokoro’s arm and enclosed the stump with your hands, closing your eyes, the light returning once again and engulfing Kokoro and you. You could feel her move and you could feel her hand returning, a smile on your face. She moved from her position so she was closer to you, giving you a small hug, using it to whisper while you two were still engulfed in the light: “Thank you…. but do not put your blame on Emma…. her past haunted her, but I’m certain it will be better now….”

-You tensed up for a moment, before relaxing again, managing a small nod. Help Emma… you wanted to help Emma, you knew that she had a terrible past, though you had no details… but you wanted her to get better! She meant everything to you after all!

-The light faded and you nodded enthusiastically, talking with Kokoro about what strategy to use this time and planning what to do to get Emma to agree with their point of view and accept their help

-Emma could be very stubborn and pretend she was fine, but the both of you wouldn’t give up… you were determined it would work. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but it would definitely work.

Setsuka

-To find Setsuka like this….. taken apart and displayed like this… it made you physically ill, but you could do something about it, so there was no time to be shocked!

-You hurried towards the head that was openly displayed, taking it into both hands, shivering at the realization that you were holding the head of your friend right now….

-You just quickly closed your eyes and let the light do its job, the other body parts evaporating into thin air and a new body for Setsuka growing out of the head to use, a small smile etching onto your face when you felt her arms wrapping around you, whispering a quiet thanks and telling you she was secretly hoping you would be able to save her too

-You were certainly less tense now, letting go of her head and hugging her back instead, closing your eyes for a moment to let relieve wash over your body, you were just so happy that you were able to save her….

-Kanade certainly wasn’t though, at least judging from her expression, teeth bared and eyes wide in shock when she saw Setsuka in one piece and alive

-You gave her a look. Hibiki seemed to be happy to see Setsuka, but you squinted at the both of them, having the feeling that Kanade did something. You made sure that Setsuka was alright before sending her off with the others, turning to the twins, preparing yourself for the talk you needed to have with them. You wouldn’t back down, this was a serious manner and you needed to take care of this, so it wouldn’t happen again

Shinji

-When you found Shinji…. you were completely devastated, didn’t know what to do at first and just crying. You were so close to him, you loved him so much, you couldn’t believe that he had to die like this, it must have been so painful, he must have suffered a lot

-It took you a few minutes to dry your tears, before you hurried over to him and hugged the burned body, letting the light engulf both of you, feeling how the skin on Shinji’s body changed from the charcoal-like texture back to smooth human skin, feeling the body under you twitch, the arms finally moving to wrap around you, shaking slightly

-When the light faded you two were hugging each other tightly and you were almost sobbing with relief that he was still here and that you were able to save him. Just the thought you wouldn’t have been able to do it…. you couldn’t even bare it…

-As soon as the initial relief was over, you yelled at him with tears in your eyes, what happened, what he was thinking, how he dared to just die, all of this stuff, y’know?

-Shinji explained himself and his motive and the fight drained out of you, just too relieved that he was alright now that you immediately gave him a hug and a kiss again, making him blush bright red.

-You needed to talk with Nikei, Sora and Yuki though…. like… have a very very very long talk. Because you really needed to wash all three of their heads.

Teruya

-You joined the others later when you heard the body discovery announcement , immediately sprinting over to the scene and seeing what happened, your expression darkening. Poor Teruya, he didn’t deserve this…..

-Good thing that you could do something about this!!

-You rushed over to him and put your hands on his chest, beginning to revive him, the light surrounding both of you, you could feel everyone’s tense stares, but you didn’t care, you just focused on your magic and to bring Teruya back

-And wouldn’t you know it, you felt him move and you could hear him whisper a thank you, reaching out and pulling you close to him for an affectionate hug, which you gratefully accepted, the light disappearing and revealing the sight of both of you hugging each other.

-”Hey! Hands off my S/O, you-” Mikado, who just came in, stopped when he saw that the person hugging you was Teruya, which was a whole new kind of problem, a sheepish expression crossing his features, which you immediately caught on to

-”Mikado…” You began, your tone threatening while Teruya was a bit disoriented, not knowing what was about to happen

-Mikado was suddenly SUPER busy, at least if you believe him, running off to go do something that would prevent him from having to talk to you, because there was no way he would talk to you right now, he had evil mastermind things to do, he couldn’t do that and he could not let you in on his masterplan…

-Good thing that you were a faster runner than him.

[bloojayoolie]

Apparently, Beautiful, and Best Friend: Very sweet, shy, tender hearted brindle boy in need of a soft voice and a quiet, structured home where he can feel safe, loved, and thrive. TIMON OLUNTEEP Id 67422, 4 Yrs., 38 petite lbs., Dreaming of a family of his own, at Manhattan ACc TO BE KILLED 8/27/19 From Shy to Social, Smiley Boy Timon Wants to find His Forever Home! ~ Timon is a tiny little guy with big bat ears and a gentle heart, who craves a loving & quiet home and a family to love. He was found in the streets and brought to the shelter by police, a teeny, tiny petite little man of only 38 lbs who was frightened after his experience and only wanted to feel safe and loved. But the shelter is no place for sensitive souls with tender hearts, and a bravery deficit, so TIMON didn’t find the quiet, calm, “safe space” he had hoped for. He’s so incredibly adorable with his big bat ears, his white socks and his gorgeous tiger brindle coat. Add to that his big smile, or the way he sits so straight and tall, trying to project a courage he doesn’t feel as he tries to negotiate the Brooklyn Center. The volunteers do their best to give him comfort, always taking time to talk to him in a soft voice, snuggling with him on a bench, softly petting him and telling him not to worry – it will be ok. But it won’t be ok if no one picks this beautiful sweet boy. He needs an experienced foster or adopter who can give him the quiet space he will need to find his rudder. Can you help this little man out? Message our page or email us at MustLoveDogsNYC@gmail.com for assistance fostering or adopting him now. A volunteer writes: Hakuna Matata is not Timon's moto but it could be if he gets to move in with you, as your forever best friend. Timon is a handsome lad whose face and moves light up as he distances himself from the care center. He strolls beautifully, does his business, sits on command and respects small critters and other dogs. I was surprised to see that the noises and crowding of the park did not bother him. He seemed to feel like home. Timon got lots of compliments from passerby's. He is a unique Boroughbred I said! Still everyone was trying to take a guess about his mix. Maybe you will too? Timon is shy but after a while spent with him, he will jump on a bench near his caretaker and accept caresses. There is love at first sight and love that comes with trust and time. Timon is waiting for you at the Manhattan Care Center, dreaming to be his carefree self, in your hands! Volunteer Evelyne Cumps writes: Timon (67422) is a lightweight (37lbs) brindley 4 year old neutered male, a very elegant, healthy stray that was very shy upon arrival but opened up amazingly. He truly is a favorite of all here at the care center but for some reason has not caught the attention of the public. may be because he is such a quite mouse in his kennel. He is one pretty dog who could have some BT up his family tree. He was so shy in PG but now, he plays nicely with males and females in PG. he is a great walker, goes to the park, is fine with all its activities and noises, nears other pooches politely, sits, comes when called and is likely HT. His behavioral eval is level 3 as he was scared (although NEVER) aggressive upon arrival and for days. Staff, behav staff and vols have been working daily with him and Timon has really bloomed. He is waiting for his Pumba at the Manhattan Care Center! MY MOVIE: Timon, The Magnifique! https://youtu.be/ldDHl3QiJZo TIMON, ID# 67422, 4 yrs old, 38.6 lbs, Unaltered Male Manhattan ACC, Medium Mixed Breed, Brown Brindle / White Surrender Reason: Stray, brought by police Shelter Assessment Rating: NEW HOPE ONLY Medical Behavior Rating: BEHAVIOR NOTES Means of surrender (length of time in previous home): Stray Behavior toward strangers: A woman, living with dog, said he growls at her and snaps FOSTER BEHAVIOR NOTE Timon was with the foster and a 10 year old girl at the street came close to him, Timon jumped on her and scratched her. SHELTER ASSESSMENT SUMMARIES - Date of assessment: 30-Jun-2019 Leash Walking Strength and pulling: Moderate Reactivity to humans: None Reactivity to dogs: None Leash walking comments: None Sociability Loose in room (15-20 seconds): Fearful – avoids; tense; cowers Call over: No approach – nervous, tense Sociability comments: Body tense Handling Soft handling: Fearful Exuberant handling: Fearful Handling comments: Body tense, tail down, moves away when legs are touched Arousal Jog: Follows (body low) Arousal comments: None Knock: No response Knock Comments: None Toy: No response Toy comments: None PLAYGROUP NOTES - DOG TO DOG SUMMARIES: 7/1-7/3: When introduced off leash to the female greeter dog, Timon approaches, sniffs, and continues to follow while sniffing. He solicits play at times, but is more intent on following and sniffing. 7/5-7/15: Timon engages in bouncy play with a female dog. 7/16-PRESENT: Timon is playful in a group of male and female dogs. INTAKE BEHAVIOR: Date of intake: 28-Jun-2019 Summary: scared but warmed up MEDICAL BEHAVIOR: Date of initial: 28-Jun-2019 Summary: trembling, tense, fearful, allowed handling ENERGY LEVEL: We have no history on Timon so we cannot be certain of his behavior in a home environment. At the care center, he displays a medium level of activity. IN SHELTER OBSERVATIONS: Timon was initially fearful and uncomfortable with touch when he arrived at the care center. Through daily interactions with handlers and dogs in playgroup, Timon has become increasingly social and on 7/5-7/6 began soliciting attention from handlers. He will approach with soft body and wagging tail and when handlers pet him he will lean in. BEHAVIOR DETERMINATION: NEW HOPE ONLY Behavior Asilomar: TM - Treatable-Manageable Recommendations: No children (under 13) Recommendations comments: No children: Due to how uncomfortable Timon is currently with touch and novel stimuli, and that he was reported to growl and snap with the person he was staying with, we feel that an adult-only home would be most beneficial at this time. New Hope Rescue Only Potential challenges: Fearful/potential for defensive aggression. Potential challenges comments: Fearful/potential for defensive aggression: Timon was reported to growl and snap by the person he was staying with. At the care center, he has been very fearful. Please see handout on Fearful/potential for defensive aggression. MEDICAL EXAM NOTES 11-Jul-2019 Progress Exam SO Post op recheck skin -- clean, dry incision site A healing sx site P continue to monitor post op 10-Jul-2019 Spay/Neuter Summary Surgery report - canine neuter Was this dog a cryptorchid? No - normal canine scrotum and testicles Scrotal incision along median raphe Spermatic Cord Ligation with: 0 Monocryl in modified Miller's knots Sub Q closure: 0 Monocryl in single stitch Skin closure? Left open to drain Green linear tattoo near incision site to denote neuter status. Pre-op exam. Reported occasionally sneezing. S: Tense, trembling during exam O: BAR-H, MMs pink and moist EENT: No discharge OU, AU, nose. PLNs: Not significantly enlarged. H/L: NSR, NMA. Eupnic, quiet lung sounds. No coughing or sneezing during exam. Abd: Soft, no pain on palpation, no masses palpated M/S/I: Amb x4. No skin lesions noted. UG: Male intact, testicles soft and symmetrical. Neuro: Alert and appropriate, no sign neurological deficiencies A: Appropriate surgical candidate P: Neuter today Anesthesia Summary: Canine Neuter Pre Medication: Hydromorphine 4 mg, injectable, 0.18 mL IM Dexmedetomidine 0.5 mg injectable, 0.2 mL IM Induction: Propofol 10 mg, injectable, 3 mL IM Anesthesia Notes: Size 8.5 fr. ET tube placed, maintained general anesthesia throughout procedure on isoflurane and O2. Used rebreathing system with 3 L bag. 22 g IVC placed in right cephalic vessel. Intraoperative IV LRS at 5-10mL/kg/hr at: 170 mL/hr Rimadyl 50mg/mL injectable, 1.4 mL, SQ, once post-operatively, for post-operative pain relief. Other: Testicular block 0.88 mL of Lidocaine 0.88 mL of Sterile water Recovery Status Recovery was uneventful. Post-operative Medications Prescribed: Rimadyl 75 mg Tablets, Give 75 mg (1 Tablet), Orally, once a day for 2 days beginning the day after surgery. Anesthetist/Surgical Monitor (P#’s): 28-Jun-2019 DVM Intake Exam. Estimated age: 3-5y. Microchip noted on Intake? No. History : stray brought by police, Subjective: BAR, Observed Behavior - trembling and tense, allowed all handling, but very fearful. Evidence of Cruelty seen – no. Evidence of Trauma seen – no. Objective: T = , P =wnl, R =wnl, BCS 4/9, EENT: Eyes clear, ears clean, no nasal or ocular discharge noted. Oral Exam: unable to examine due to muzzle. PLN: No enlargements noted. H/L: NSR, NMA, Lungs clear, eupnic. ABD: Non painful, no masses palpated. U/G: male intact 2 testes palpable in scrotum. MSI: Ambulatory x 4, skin free of parasites, no masses noted, healthy hair coat. CNS: Mentation appropriate - no signs of neurologic abnormalities. Rectal: external normal. Assessment: apparently healthy. Prognosis: good. Plan: neuter and all intake tasks. SURGERY: Okay for surgery *** TO FOSTER OR ADOPT *** HOW TO RESERVE A “TO BE KILLED” DOG ONLINE (only for those who can get to the shelter IN PERSON to complete the adoption process, and only for the dogs on the list NOT marked New Hope Rescue Only). Follow our Step by Step directions below! *PLEASE NOTE – YOU MUST USE A PC OR TABLET – PHONE RESERVES WILL NOT WORK! ** STEP 1: CLICK ON THIS RESERVE LINK: https://ift.tt/2ynocEZ Step 2: Go to the red menu button on the top right corner, click register and fill in your info. Step 3: Go to your email and verify account \ Step 4: Go back to the website, click the menu button and view available dogs Step 5: Scroll to the animal you are interested and click reserve STEP 6 ( MOST IMPORTANT STEP ): GO TO THE MENU AGAIN AND VIEW YOUR CART. THE ANIMAL SHOULD NOW BE IN YOUR CART! Step 7: Fill in your credit card info and complete transaction HOW TO FOSTER OR ADOPT IF YOU *CANNOT* GET TO THE SHELTER IN PERSON, OR IF THE DOG IS NEW HOPE RESCUE ONLY! You must live within 3 – 4 hours of NY, NJ, PA, CT, RI, DE, MD, MA, NH, VT, ME or Norther VA. Please PM our page for assistance. You will need to fill out applications with a New Hope Rescue Partner to foster or adopt a dog on the To Be Killed list, including those labelled Rescue Only. Hurry please, time is short, and the Rescues need time to process the applications.

[georgielxx]

FP Jones/ reader  memories

summary: Y/N and FP used to be childhood lovers and things don't go to plan she moves away. Years later she gets a call from Fred saying that FP is dying and wants to see Y/N again, now Y/N goes back and falls for him again. 

FP was my childhood sweetheart everything was going perfect I had loved him so much and he loved me. One day he joined the serpents and I had joined to. I loved the serpents they were my new family, my parents live on the Northside just on the outskirts so I still stayed at my house even though I was a serpent. I loved the way I felt when I had my jacket on like I belonged and was loved. Me and FP were still going strong for a year but then he started to become stressed and I hardly saw him. One day I had enough I needed answers so I decided to walk to his trailer. It was a misty night and my car wouldn't start so I decided to walk there it was only ten minutes away. I was five minutes into my walk when I heard noises behind me I had turned around but there wasn't anyone there. As I had turned to carry on walking there was five guys that I didn't recognise. The tall one said “look here guys its Fp girl” , I started to become a little frightened. I had turned away from them when a rough hand grabbed my wrist and turned me back around. They all had started to gang up on me they hit me and spat at me. After they had finished I had curled up into a ball shaking I had started to feel lightheaded when I heard FP call out “Y/N”. He came and picked me up and carried me back to his trailer, I had whimpered all the way there.

We arrived in five minutes FP placed me carefully onto his sofa. He had stroked my face and bandaged me up. He held me close and kept saying sorry, “what happened”. “there was some guys they knew that me and you were together i think thats why they hurt me”. FP got really angry “I'm gonna kill them” he said as he slammed the trailer door. As the last year of high school had finished me and FP were ok but earlier in the year wasn't the only time someone had beat me up because I was part of the serpents. So having a conversations with my parents I had decided to move to live with my auntie and go to college in new York. I drove to FP trailer to tell him the news I was nervous but I had to get out of here as I thought if I carried on living here I was going to die young. I got out and knocked on the door and let my self in seeing FP sat on the sofa I gave him a small smile. I sat down next to him where he wrapped his arms around me and kissed my head. “you ok baby” he asked, “I've got something to tell you and ask you” I said nervously. “love I'm moving to new York and I want you to come with me”. FP looked at me shocked with tears in my eyes “when” he said “tomorrow” I replied sadly, he looked at me kissing me sweetly “ I can't leave the serpents”. I started to cry “ ok but if you change your mind come at 3 tomorrow when Im leaving I love you” I cried and left FP to go home and pack. The next day it was time to go and I kept looking for him but he never came to say by so I wrote a note to him and gave it to Fred Andrews.  I got in the car and cried all the way to New York. 

20 years later

I happily get home from work calling out for my son Ben “Im home” I shout. He runs down the stairs my 14 year old son, he looks exactly like me but has his dads eyes and mouth. I smile and give him a big hug he says “hey mum you had a phone call from someone called Fred andrews” I look at my son confused why would Fred want to talk to me. “Did he say anything” I ask, “no just to phone back as soon as possible” Ben says. “ok baby you go order some food while I go find out what happened”. Ben's dad and I aren't together anymore we broke up two years ago I never got over FP really some nights I still cry as I miss him. My serpent jacket is still in my closet I brought it here. I picked up my phone and phoned Fred “hello Fred speaking” he said , “Hi Fred its Y/N here my son said you phoned and wanted to speak to me” I said confused. “Its FP he's in hospital and they don't think he will make it through the night and he's asking for you” my heart dropped as I heard Fred voice shaking as he told me. “OK I'm coming” I say into the phone as tears fall down my cheek. “Ben pack some clothes were going to see grandma and grandad” i shout as i rush up stairs to pack an overnight bag. I haven't been to Riverdale since I left my parents always came here. We got in the car and drove to Riverdale.

Me and Ben arrived in Riverdale it hadn't changed one bit as I drove through the town to the hospital. I dropped Ben off first with my parents then parked at the hospital. I got out and my legs were shaking as I walked in nervously where Fred was waiting. “Fred” I asked questionly as he looked over to me and hugged me. He was stood with Alice and some children I guessed one was Fred son and one was Alice daughter. “why did he want to see me” I asked as everyone watched me and Fred, Alice came over to. “i think he wants to apologise it broke his heart when you left and never forgave himself for not coming to say bye” she said. I sighed wiping my eyes “can i see him” I ask, Fred nods as he leads the way “only one person at a time can see him Jughead his son is with him at the moment I'm sure he will come out so you can see him” he says I nod as Fred goes in after a few moments later he comes out with a mini FP I smile small as they both go leaving me to walk in.

I walk into his room where he looks horrible I can hardly recognise him where he's busted and bruised. I cry silently as I walk over sitting next to his bed he slowly opens his eyes and says “Y/N”. “hey FP” I whisper as he grabs my hand “I'm sorry Y/N” . “shh its fine” I say as I just watch him as he falls asleep. I stay with him for 30 minutes while everyone comes in i look up at the door with tear streaks as FP son comes over I get up as he comes and I go stand next to Fred who tells me that he was beat up by some enemy. Jughead looks at me and says “ My dad hasn't stopped loving you since you left I'm glad to meet you” I smile slightly “you look so much like your dad”. Everyone was asleep which Fred introduced me to everyone before so now I know who everyone is. I tell Jughead all about what his dad was like and he was telling me about Jellybean and his mum. Just then at one o'clock in the morning FP machine starts beeping nurses rush in as they take FP to surgery but they told us that he most likely won't survive. Jughead was crying into Betty the tears started streaming down my cheek as the nurse took us back to the waiting room I sat down curled up crying that FP might die. 

A couple of hours later Jughead’s mom and sister turns up just as a doctor came to tell everyone that FP will be fine they were able to sort out the bleed in his brain. The three of them and Betty went to see FP, I cried into Fred's chest happy that he's alive. I was gonna wait too see FP again then I'm going to go back home sleep then drive back to New York. After a while Jugheads mum comes out the room and looks around confused “Y/N” she says. I stand up going over “FP wants to see you “ she says I nod and follow. I nervously walk into FP room where I'm surprised to see him sat up and joking with his kids. I smile “FP” I say as he looks over at me and smiles. I walk over as Jughead gets up out of his chair and everyone leaves so its just me and him. “Y/N this might sound crazy but will you stay”. “what forever” I ask confused as he nods. “I can't just leave my job” I say. “please stay I'm sorry I want to make everything up to you”. I sigh and nod “fine but it won't be for a couple of months”. He smiles and nods and pats the side of his bed, I smile and lay next to him putting  my head on his chest as he wrapped his hands around me. I feel him kiss my head I close my eyes and fall asleep just like years ago.

A/N: I might do a part 2 this is my first one so it might not be very good and if someone can make this better go ahead i just wanted to put my ideas out there. 

[a-wanderin-whirlybird]

Short OC study

Yello! So this is a short study of Dr. Majesty and her two adopted children Hot Rod and Widdle. Its just a short story on How Dr. Majesty and her Idiots met @artlesscomedic OC Ace. Just a note, Yes Dr. Majesty harvests Organs, and yes she is based on Dr. Frankenstien. Fear not Hot Rod and Widdle are on her safety list. Bio's to come!

_____________________________________________

Hot Rod was usually more aware than this. He admitted this. Not that he was very aware of his surroundings, usually he had a bit of robot before him that was much more interesting than the warehouses he usually worked in. The teen was doing what he usually did. Tried to get his newest drone upgrades to function correctly when the sounds of sirens sent him into a sudden panic.

“Fuck!” Hot Rod cursed whirling around and flailing as he slipped on a pool of blood. Huh, whered that come from?

“Shit, shit shit. Fucking Bullets, fucking cops can burn in-”

“Uh… hi?” Hot Rod squeaked as the Bleeding Blue haired individual raised their gun at him. Hot Rod sucked in a breath eyeing their shaking arms and the blood as it pooled about them. “Oh jeez, yeah uh, your bleeding a shit ton and there are cops coming. Idk if they are here because of me or you but uh… The Doc can fix that if you… ok ok! Nope nope stay awake! Ah shit.”

Hot Rod sighed as the Blue Haired person fainted into their own blood. Hot Rod just grabbed the person by their collar and began to sprint out of the building.

Dr. Majesty sighed as she checked through the Fridge. Nothing very interesting she thought. At least to eat. There were some Livers in various stages of decay, three from alcoholics, two from Smokers, and one from a fascinating case of poisoning. There were kidneys, lungs, Stomachs, intestines, and even a few Uteruses and hearts. All in varying stages of decay. Dr. Majesty sighed and closed the fridge, adjusting her crown. The crown was made from scalpels that she had melted down into a small tiara.

“Fuck, no food again. Should send Widdle to get food.”

“Doc!! Doc!! Dr. Sty!! Need help!” Dr. Majesty sighed as Hot Rod burst through the door and she slowly stood staight.

“Did you burn yourself again? I swear if you- oh. Fuck.” Dr. Majesty growled as Hot Rod came blundering into the apartment dragging a Blue Haired individual behind them… who was bleeding. And unconscious. Oh for fucks sake.

“Right, Youngest Idiot drop the new Idiot patient, your making it worse. Get the Eldest Idiot from her room and I'll take… Blue Idiot to the operation room. I'll see you both down there and ready for Surgery in ten minutes.” Dr. Majesty said harshly taking the fallen Blue Haired individual away from Hot Rod who nodded and scurried off into the apartment. Dr. Majesty the. Walked out the front door and descended down the stairs into the buildings basement, ready for surgery.

Ace was only sort of aware of their body and self. But they knew three things. 1. They had managed to escape the cops after a Heist gone bad but ran into some Ginger kid with a weird robot. 2. Said kid had tried to speak to them but Ace haven't managed to stay awake. And 3. They were warm and their was arguing happening.

Wait, that's four things.

“Hey, don't move too much, you'll pull your stitches.” The cracked voice of an older woman met Ace's ears and their eyes flew open.

Standing over them was an older woman, her salt and pepper hair was tied in a bun and she wore a lab coat and turtleneck sweater. She was eyeing the IV bag hooked up to Ace's arm. Next to her was the Ginger haired Kid Ace had met in the Warehouse. He had thick glasses, messy long ginger hair and burn marks covering his face. He smiled widely as Ace stared at him. He was missing one of his front teeth. He looked about 15.

Next to them was a young Woman with brown hair and skin she was thin as could be and about 4'10. Her hair was a mess, it was shorter and longer in different places, she had a large bandage covering her nose, and overalls on. She looked around 20 years old and She was shaking her head at the younger boy who was now leaning on the bed.

Wait there was a bed?!

“Roddy, leave the guy alone.” The young woman said, her voice cracking as she gently shoved the boy off.

“Ah, but Widdle!! I found them!” The boy whined.

“More like you dragged them here! Nearly killed them cause you literally dragged them here!”

“Idiots! My little Idiots, both of you out. You both have homework. Go.” The Doctor woman urged the two out and closed the door as the siblings walked off muttering about how they didnt really have homework. She sighed and walked over to Ace.

“Right, sorry about the Idiots. They are good assistants when i need extra hands, but loud.”

“Where the fuck am I?” Ace hissed, coughing as their lungs ached.

“Don't try to move to much, i told you this. I had to replace a lung and your liver. You're very very lucky I had a healthy lung and Liver that was compatible with you. You are still recovering from multiple gunshot wounds, 2 organ transplants, a blood transfusion, and i had to reset some of your ribs while I was in there.”

“You what?!” Ace gasped as their lungs twitched, and man was that a weird feeling.

“Look. I don't know you, but one of my Idiots brought you here and when one of My Idiots brings someone in injured, I fix them.” The woman said, then sighed. “Right, but, I am Dr. Majesty. The boy who brought you in is my Youngest Idiot Hot Rod and the girl was my eldest Idiot Widdle. I own the building you are in and all the equipment you are hooked up to. So no cops are going to be showing up. Any questions?”

“Whose lung?” Ace asked with a bit of a wry smile. Dr. Majesty returned one of her own, but only for a moment.

“And Liver. Those would have belonged to two… former tenants of mine. Perfectly healthy, no signs of decay or layers of fat on the liver. The Lung has no tar nor signs of aging. Lucky you.”

“Right. When can I leave?”

“Once you are healed enough to walk on your own. You need anything ring the bell.” Dr. Majesty pointed to a small pulley by the bed. “And if you feel like your liver is wiggling let me know immediately.”

Ace groaned as Dr. Majesty walked towards the door and began to leave.

“Oh. And don't worry about your crew. Widdle has already gone to tell them where you are. Mayhaps, we may have bussiness to discuss once you are recovered more." Ace went wide eyed as the Doctor walked out the door.

"How?"

Dr. Marie Majesty sighed once again as she entered her study. A fresh cadaver lay out on the table. A cop that Widdle had dug up earlier that day, his guts were laid bare for the world to see. The doctor hissed as she began to work, prepping chemicals and petri dishes as the body waited paitently.

"Doc?"

"In here Youngest Idiot." She called and Hot Rod bound in, a pile of mangled machinery in his arms.

"Hows the Blue guy? They ok?"

"As ok a criminal after surprise surgery can be. Where's the Eldest Idiot?" Hot Rod giggled.

"She found Ace's crew, but decided to stop by the Police archives for a bit of... Arson. Its just gonna be arson. She plans to burn the archives." Dr. Majesty nodded.

"You habe a drone with her yes?"

"Yup! Im working on one to gift to Ace and their crew. That way if they need more surgery we can know!" Hot Rod smirked. "Sooooo... Do I have another big Sibling?"

"Possibly." Dr. Majesty snorted. "Possibly. Now lets see about those prosthetics of yours yeah?"

[beccashapiro94]

Past Truths

Today I watched a youtube video on complicated grief . ( complicated grief is basically when the griefing process becomes abnormal by complicated feelings around the death , such as survivor guilt , trauma unhealed with person that died , or great anger of death . the other difference is that complicated grief intrudes on life where as grief helps you get past the loss) When i listened to it all i could think about was the day my dad died . ( i mean obviously i would draw back to that .)

To say my relationship with him was complicated is an understatement for sure. He was the only one who listened to all my rantings and who let me be truely me ; but than would knock me down in an instant with his quick wit and zappy one liners . He also believed in me but never thought i’d amount to anything all at the same time. I also idolized him , I didn’t realize this until he died . Once he was gone it was like my soul died a bit and than E.D. who was always in my dad’s voice took his place completely even while pregnant. ( E.D. is at least what most of us with eating disorders call our eating disorder , obvious i know but some people do get confused because i pronounce it like a name of a person Edd .)

Back to the youtube video it said some of the reasons someone can have complicated grief one of those was you were not able to grief at the time due to planning the funeral or being strong for someone else . For me i was 6 months pregnant at the time and it was a complicated one. Gestational diabetes, Preeclampsia, and my liver was basically failing . I saw the body , everyone told me not to when i got there but i had too i just couldn’t believe it until i saw . It was traumatic to say the least . it reminded me of when my dad had been rushed to a hospital and had emergency surgery for very bad peritanitis ( infection of the pertanium from home dialysis) and bowl blockage . When he came out of surgery they had to put him in a medically induced coma and on machines i was holding my dad’s hand when that happened and i saw the fear and panic in his eyes and than they suddenly went dead i saw all that was him leave and i guess i seemed frantic because the nurse rushed me out and said the vending machine has snack still .

Now i saw him really with no life , at least when they medically induced him a machine made his chest move up and down. This wasn’t a movie set or t.v. show he had rigamortis and was sitting on the couch when he died they put him on the floor but was still in a seated position. ( they moved him as it was obviously natural causes he had terminal cancer, dialysis, and oxygen for copd) I burst out of his apartment unable to really speak but tears flowing and had to call my sister and my mother and sign things for police and emts that part is all a blurr now i just know i must have done it .

That same hour ed came back in my head from a 9 month vacation. How can you eat at a time like this ? Sure there is a baby inside you but who cares you need to kill yourself . ( yea he gets real dark) but i had to put everything aside i couldn’t think of my dad with out almost having a stroke ( blood pressure wise ) so i focused all my energy on being pregnant and the baby and i kept telling myself ill grieve later . Than once my son was born he was in NICU and we didn’t know when or if he’d come home, so again i said i will grieve later . Than i got an infection in my csection and just one surgery after the other even now i’m waiting for another surgery that has to happen to remove a cyst and scar tissue .

so i’ve realized the reason i still cry instantly when i even dare think my dads name i just turn into a puddle of tears is i have never grieved but im unsure also if i wish too. I loved my dad with all my heart , but he is a huge chunk of my self esteem issues and eating disorder issues . When my mom left i had to live with my dad and he thought i was super overweight the year before i had been molested and did gain quite a lot of weight. . His solution any time i ate anything he would yell at me about how fat i am ;he would repeatedly not pack me enough for lunch or a lunch at all and never gave me lunch money. I was bullied to the point of sucidal ideation for my weight and instead of being a soft spot to land he would just say well they are just saying what they observed don’t like it loose the weight . He also thought i was slut . I remember specifically that once i told him i saw an ex at the grocery store and he stated quite point blank “ bet that happens all the time since you’ve slept with most of Austin” . Anytime ED speaks in my head it is always my father’s voice.

On the flip side my dad was always the one who understood me. He admired that even though kids made fun of me for being jewish i never wavered in being proud of it. I knew three languages he loved it . I was smart and witty like him . We had the same humor and same likes . I am definitely the attitude of my mother but the presence and likes of my father. My father was an amazing story teller and writer and while i lack in both somewhat i got all this from him. He was a learned man as my rabbi would say and while i don’t have a degree yet most people think i’m knowledgeable in a lot of subjects. My dad was an amazing man.

I’m conflicted with these feelings and that is why i have no clue whether i will ever grieve properly. I can never hear him say i’m sorry for the trauma and pain he has inflicted; i will never get to apologize for just seeing him as a human with faults and not as some all knowing being i had to be like .

while the tears flow ,

have a wonderful day beautiful people

[xdirt-bagx]

A little update...

hey there.  so if you’re reading this is because you followed the link to this thing so that i could explain a little to what has been going on with me in the recent months since i left home in south carolina to spend a little while here in massachusetts with my small in number big large in heart family. 

so, let’s start at the beginning.  i am an only child born from another only child. and have had not negative but limited contact with any extended family outside great uncles and aunts.  so, family is small in number at the present moment.  after the death of my mother in 2015, it now is me, my dad (jerry), me grandmother (claire) and my grandfather (carl)...lets start with carl. 

for quite a number of years now carl has been living with dementia.  it probably started showing its face around 8 years ago or so, but i can say in hindsight that there were signs of it years before.  in the last 5 or so years it has taken away his ability or want to do much more else than sleep half the day, and eat a limited diet of ginger ale and sandwiches.  my main goal when i decided to spend the summer here was to spend good time with everyone but i also have had this feeling that carl was going to become a greater concern soon and i needed to see what could be done.  withing a few weeks of me arriving here he started to show some new behavior that bordered on manic episodes and talking to himself. in about a weeks time it came to a head when he awoke in the middle of the night and started acting very erratic and in ways i thought were possibly going to hurt himself or my grandmother.  i stayed up through the night attempting to keep him still and calm until in the later morning i was able to get in contact with his home care nurse.  she advised to take him to the VA hospital nearby immediately to be checked for any infections that may have changed his mood and behavior.  after some time when we got him there and had him checked over, as i was trying to calm him down for a chest scan and i was alone in the room with him, his eyes locked and rolled back as he went into a grand mal seizure.  my first i have ever witnessed.  the med folks came rushing in and did what they do and as the seizure passed and he was stabilized, he was transferred to the nearby hospital with a better staff to handle his turn for the worse.  as the day and night went on and the sedatives wore off he began to become aware again and continued with the self dialogue and manic behavior that after a few hours turned into rage and outbursts of anger and statements of killing the people who hurt me.  he was sedated and i finally decided to return home to be with my grandmother who has stayed home when he was taken to the hospital.  over the next couple days he was up and down and sedated many times. finally he was places into the geriatric behavioral floor while we have been figuring out the best skilled nursing care place in a nearby location to place him.  this has of course been a big stress on my grandmother claire, as they have been eash others lives for almost 50 years and she has been his main caretaker for all this time.  but at 85, i know she is in a real danger of not being able to take god care of him anymore, and that placing him in a good place where people can watch him and make his life proper for however long he might have left.  this is hard, very hard, but we both know it is the right thing to do.  more will be known this week with where he will be going.  speaking of this week, lets move to my grandmother, claire....

having been one of my greatest influences in life, and my caretaker at times while i was growing up, claire has been my main reasoning for making this trip.  she needed someone close to be here.  to help with things around the house and spend some good time with. and thankfully as time would allow it, to help with what has been going on with carl the last couple months.  i wouldn’y have it any other way.  yet, she has her own great struggles on the horizon.  to say that she has been through a lot on the last 5 years would be a great disservice.  she has taken care of her carl, as well as my mother at times until she lost her too the beginning of 2015, and has since lost both of her brothers, bob and eddie.  all the while dealing with her own set of health problems which included having some skin cancer surgically removed from her left upper cheek and nose in the last two years.  something she actually hid from me altogether until last year when my father informed me against her wishes,  she didnt want to worry me.  crazy right?  well, a couple weeks ago after weeks of having consistent headaches and some tenderness in her former surgery area, her doctor sent for a head x-ray and cat scan.  to which he then sent us to an ear nose and throat specialist who with a quick look down her nose with a little camera, informed us more than likely, her cancer has returned where it had been removed 2 years ago.  coming up this week we make the trip to the dermatologist at beth israel cancer center in boston to find out for sure and take it from there.  again, very scary and stressful a thing to have to deal with at this time especially, but from what i have read, this kind of cancer is rarely dangerous unless it spreads and get close to other sensitive areas in her head, but i am hoping we have caught it i plenty of time to deal with it properly.  i wouldnt want to be any where else than with her while we find out whats best and to come.  to ease her worry as much as possible and be her support.  and speaking of beth israel boston, lets move on to my dad, jerry...

he is not my grandmothers son of course, he is their son in law,  a little over a year ago, the apartment he has lived in for the last 15+ years was sold to another owner who promptly ended all leases and asked every out in 30 days.  he needed a place to live, and i needed someone to help keep proper eyes on my grandparents.  so we cleaned up a room and threw some paint on the walls and moved him in.  hes been a stupendous help since.  besides being able to take my grand folks to their doctors and what not, hes also a good cook which my grandmother greatly appreciates ha ha.  about the same time carl went into the hospital, jerry was having some blood pressure problems that ended up with him having to have an angiogram that revealed 3 major (90% or more) blockages around his heart.  one week ago he was admitted to beth israel boston and was given a triple bypass to head off any future heart attacks and such.  he’s laid up now and headed to a rehab place to get strength built back up.  it’s gonna be a bit of a healing process for him im sure, which is why i am going to be here as it stands a bit longer than first expected. 

so, now that were all caught up, i wanted to get y’all updated and thank the lot of you for all the well wishes and phone calls and what not.  i’m sorry that i haven’t been great at keeping up with back home or been good at talking to many of you as that talking isn’t something i have been a big fan of lately.  admittedly i have been a little overly reclusive with my thoughts and feeling and wants and such, but i’m thankful that i have the good life i have and the people that i love and the ability to stop a lot of things in what normal life i kinda have to come here and be of service. 

maybe next i’ll actually take a stab at describing the feelings and emotions that one goes through in the midst of this really hard season, but i’ve never been good at putting all that into words and sharing things or having attention put on me.  but, i’m trying to make a change to that for my own mental health and stability.  i guess we’ll just have to see wont we.  ‘til then, love all y’all. 

[toutorii]

Various Honoka HCS

Cause Im self indulgent 😌

⁃ So when Noka was a baby, neither her dad, Shirou or Daiki knew what the hell to do with her wings.

⁃ Her first word was "Daiai" which was exposed to be "Daiki"

⁃ Daiki would call Noka "baby bird" and mo one will tell me otherwise

⁃ He also called Shirou "buddy"

⁃ She would fly around and their dad would make Shirou chase her down. Cause by this point, Daiki had already “joined” AfO.

⁃ When Shirou and Noka were taken in by their uncle, he just slept and let her do whatever.

⁃ Their uncle, also known as Eraserhead, was a very kind guardian

⁃ He went to each of Shirou's ballet concerts, and did Noka's hair for picture day

⁃ If you looked through his search history it would be filled with "how to do a braid for beginners"

⁃ Aizawa bought Noka various art supplies and bought Shirou new shoes whenever they needed them

⁃ He also worried for his nephew, who went missing right before Noka and Shirou ended up in his custody

⁃ Didnt want Noka or Shirou to become heroes

⁃ Cause he didnt want to see the two children he practically raised to be hurt

⁃ But because of their ties to All for One, the government forced both of them to become heros to "prove" that they had severed their bonds with All for One

⁃ Shirou's dream was to become a professional dancer and Noka's was to become a professional artist

⁃ And Aizawa was not happy that the two lights in his life were torn from their dreams

⁃ And so Shirou got accepted into the hero program, in class 1-A

⁃ He chose the hero name Shifter

⁃ Cause he could shift into any organic form

⁃ When he got 3rd place at the sports festival, Noka ran around her uncle's apartment screaming with joy

⁃ Noka is literally his biggest fan

⁃ Noka's first friend was a small purple haired boy name Hitoshi Shinsou

⁃ So naturally, she called him Toshi

⁃ And she refused to call him anything else all throughout middle and high school

⁃ Shinsou and Noka have sleepovers all the time and you can't tell me otherwise

⁃ When people would tell Shinsou that his quirk was villainous, Noka would always speak up cause she knew Shinsou wouldnt contradict them

⁃ Noka is always like that

⁃ Speaking up for others and herself. And her smart mouth tends to get her in trouble

⁃ Shinsou would fuss over Noka's wings. Like if they were dirty or a few feathers were out of place, Shinsou would sit her down and fix her wings.

⁃ "Toshi, your inner mom is showing"

⁃ "Its not my fault you cant take proper care of your wings"

⁃ When she told Shinsou about her acceptance into U.A's med course, he couldn't have been prouder

⁃ Noka is actually the one who encouraged Shinsou to train with her uncle.

⁃ But before that lets talk about Noka's time at U.A. so far

⁃ She was first introduced to class 1-A during the first combat training

⁃ Healed everyone who got very minor injuries

⁃ At the USJ attack, Shigiraki deteriorated part of Noka's hip. But her extremely enhanced natural healing abilities stopped the deterioration

⁃ So she has this big ass scar on the back side of her left hip

⁃ She wanted to absolutely murder Shigiraki for letting the Nomu loose on her uncle

⁃ But she doesnt have any damaging fire power

⁃ So she just tried to heal her uncle's wounds the best she could

⁃ Nearly gets herself killed many times with her smart assery

⁃ And gives everyone around her a heart attack in the process

⁃ During the sports festival, she helped RG heal all the students

⁃ Reprimanded Deku for overusing OfA

⁃ Oh yeah, she learned about AfO and OfA from her time with All for One (A/N: please dont kill me im trying to not make her too op 😭😭)

⁃ Is kind of like to Deku like Recovery Girl is to All Might

⁃ So fast foward to the internships

⁃ She interns with another oc of mine, Snow

⁃ Who is a healer but with incredible attack powers

⁃ Coincidentally, Noka was patrolling Hosu when the nomus hit

⁃ She recieved Deku's distress signal and ran to the scene

⁃ She didnt attack the hero killer, but ran to help Native and made sure he didnt bleed out

⁃ The hero killer didnt bat a single eye at her, deeming her not a threat

⁃ In the end, she didnt harm Stain so her hero guardian? didnt have to take any blame for her actions

⁃ Noka however did get nearly ripped in half by a nomu, so she had to stay in the hospital with Todo and Deku

⁃ So— Summer training arc

⁃ She just looked at her class and said "fuck this" and flew over the whole forest

⁃ She actually beat the wild wild pussycats back to the camp

⁃ She got to know Kota, telling him how she never wanted to become a hero

⁃ Kota may or may not have developed a kiddie crush on her 😳

⁃ But anyways, when everyone else saw her all nice and refreshed, needless to say they were upset

⁃ Some more than others

⁃ *remembers Bakugou nearly blowing off Noka's face because she cheated*

⁃ Aizawa just smirking at his niece cause shes so much like her mother

⁃ "DAMMIT TAKAHASHI. YOU BETTER GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE YOU CHEATER"

⁃ "They said to use our quirks. Its not my fault your quirk is too grounded"

⁃ "WHAT— YOU WANNA FIGHT—"

⁃ "No I wanna eat, goodbye—"

⁃ Focuses on her attack and the healing capabilities of her quirk

⁃ Let me set the scene

⁃ At the beginning of UA, our Noka could barely heal up a small cut

⁃ But now, she can close up major wound with little to no effort

⁃ P r o g r e s s people

⁃ N e ways

⁃ So when they do the haunted quirk thingy

⁃ Hairi and Noka are paired up, to their delight

⁃ But they aren't able to go into the forest before the attack happens

⁃ Apparently, the league came for Bakugou and Noka

⁃ Cause the "master" wanted his first nomu to return to him

⁃ But all Deku knew was "they are after Kacchan and the master's first Nomu"

⁃ Nobody knew who the first nomu was except for Noka

⁃ See, AfO took and gave Noka various quirks, eventually ending up with her current quirk(s)

⁃ He did this to Shirou and Daiki as well

⁃ But Shirou's body wasnt able to handle as many quirks, so AfO discarded him

⁃ Daiki was not aware that Noka was a target, Shigiraki knew he would object and purposely left him out of the loop

⁃ Eventually, Noka is cornered by Dabi

⁃ His fire power vastly out matches hers

⁃ But she puts up one hell of a fight

⁃ And Kurogiri took her before she woke up and fought back even more

⁃ So everyone was panicking when they couldnt find Noka

⁃ Aizawa was panicking them most

⁃ His precious niece was missing, no, taken by the league

⁃ The students had never seen their teacher so frazzled

⁃ The thing that broke Aizawa more was the look on Shirou's face when he told him that his baby sister was missing

⁃ His precious baby sister

⁃ His whole world

⁃ Shirou didnt go out of his room for days

⁃ He was there when they were to save Bakugou and Noka

⁃ All Might fought AfO, and won

⁃ But there was no sign of Noka

⁃ Shirou nearly tackled Bakugou, demanding, no, more like pleading for him to tell him where she was

⁃ Bakugou merely said "She's gone, and I dont know where she went"

⁃ The whole class was in a panic

⁃ Where was Noka? Was she hurt? Was she scared? Was she in danger?

⁃ And the question that hung on everyone's mind the most was

⁃ Is she alive?

⁃ The emptiness of Noka's desk was deafening

⁃ Their smart ass classmate was nowhere to be found

⁃ And they all felt guilty

⁃ But none more than Bakugou

⁃ For he was the last to see her alive so to speak

⁃ And her last words to him were "Forget about me ya big oaf, you hear me? I don't want you sulking, or I'll personally beat your ass."

⁃ Forget about her? How could he do that?

⁃ Noka was the only person who didn't put up with his bullshit

⁃ From day one she put him in his place

⁃ And honestly shes the closest thing to a sister he has

⁃ During the hero license exam, all of class 1-A decided that Noka would be really upset if they all sulked and failed their exams

⁃ But the fact that only Todoroki and Bakugou failed would make her fall into hysterics

⁃ When class 1-A met the big three, Mirio told them that Noka was strong and stubborn to a fault, so they shouldnt worry about things that arent in their control

⁃ To which they asked how he knew her

⁃ Apparently Shirou, Amajiki, and Mirio have all been friends since elementary school

⁃ So Amajiki and Mirio had been there a lot for many crucial parts of Noka's childhood

⁃ When the work studies started, Deku went on patrol with Mirio and Shirou, AKA Lemillion and Shifter

⁃ Shirou couldnt help but feel so much guilt crushing him when Eri jumped out of Deku's arms

⁃ Cause Eri reminded him of his little sister

⁃ Speaking of little sister

⁃ She refused to return to the league, so Shigiraki sold her to giran, who then took her to Overhaul

⁃ For the last 2 months, Noka had been experimented on by Kai Chisaki

⁃ In the mean time trying to protect Eri and building a loving friendship with the young girl

⁃ Ill talk about this another time

⁃ So skipping to when they save her

⁃ It was a total shock for them

⁃ To see this wingless, pale, frail, bandage wrapped girl

⁃ And even more so when she spoke

⁃ Not having that bite that their Noka had

⁃ But a softer, more broken voice replaced her normally boisterous and confident voice

⁃ In the big battle agains Chisaki, Noka got slammed against a wall

⁃ Which in normal circumstances would be fine, but with her body in such a week state it immediately cracked her ribs and spine

⁃ Ochako helped get her friend to the ambulance as quick as she could

⁃ Shirou saw a fluff of pale pink hair out of the corner of his eye

⁃ He immediately turned to run towards the medical stretcher, but was stopped

⁃ He kicked and screamed something along the lines of "THATS MY BABY SISTER. PLEASE LET ME SEE HER"

⁃ In the most broken voice you would ever hear

⁃ In the hospital, after Sir. Nighteye had passed, Deku, Kirishima, Amajiki, Shirou, Ochako, Tsu and Aizawa were all waiting anxiously for Noka's surgery

⁃ When all of a sudden the door explodes open and the nurses and doctors are shoved out by an invisible force of heat

⁃ Noka was using her ability to set herself aflame and be healed in the ashes

⁃ But no one knew wtf was going on cause she learned the trick at the Hassaiki hideout

⁃ So p a n i k

⁃ But after the doctors confirmed her stablility, they all went back to school

⁃ The whole class bursted into tears when they told them about Noka

⁃ Jirou, Kaminari, Momo and Mina all being the most emotionally impacted

⁃ Bakugou was almost crying witb relief but he disnt show jt

⁃ They weren't allowed to see Noka for a whole month

⁃ Only family were allowed

⁃ She was hard at work recovering and going through therapy and they didnt want to disturb her

⁃ But when they (Kirishima, Deku, Ochako, and Tsu) did visit, they were shocked

⁃ There was this soft spoken, trembling, woman, and this was after a month of intense therapy

⁃ They hadnt event started physcial therapy yet, they wanted to get her tk the point she could be around others without going into a panic mode

⁃ But what really shocked them was how her wings hadnt grown back.

⁃ They were then told that they would never grow back, since the bone in them were completely ripped out.

⁃ Thus she needs a wheelchair while she recovers

⁃ Daiki sometimes visits her during the night

⁃ He apologizes to her over and over again for not being there when she was taken

⁃ But also to apologize for abandoning her and Shirou

⁃ She just cupped his wet cheek and said

⁃ "Daiki, I know you had a damn good reason to do what you did. Also you're my big brother. I dont care if you work for All for One, youre still my brother. And you'll always have a home with us. Shouta Shirou and I will welcome you back with open arms."

⁃ Needless to say Daiki just bursted into more tears

⁃ Anyways—

⁃ By the time the school festival comes around, Noka still needs a wheelchair, and isnt the strongest mentally, but she has made tremendous progress.

⁃ After the 1-A concert, Eri sat on Noka's lap the whole time. Except during the beauty pageant, in which Deku held Eri, and Mirio held Noka (cause shes a smol baby)

⁃ Noka was in charge of tesching Eri the basics while she recovered, since the young girl felt most comfortable with her

⁃ When the dual training session came around, Noka still couldnt do much moving around without draining her energy quickly. So she stuck with enhancing her quirk while she built up her physical strength.

⁃ Meaning she healed any and all injuries after the matches were concluded

⁃ Monoma made the mistake of saying something about her not making any progress, and Bakugou was t h i s close to murdering him 😌

⁃ Ever since Noka got back from the hospital, Bakugou has been v e r y protective of his honourary sister—

⁃ But Kendou smacked the blonde before Bakugou could do anything

⁃ Shinsou would totally go like "Noka are you okay? Are you sure you should be out here? How are you feeling? Do you feel sick?"

⁃ Cause Shinsou is a mom

Anyways I have a bunch more hcs but i dont wanna completely bore you. But I was thinking of doing this for Daiki Shirou and Noka as children. Or maybe for Phoebe 😳😳😳　

Comment or send an ask if i should