#if i keep this up i will do swell
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i finished my classwork ahead of time 💀 it really tells me that i am someone who freaks out over new routine cause im unsure how it will go, and then i get shit done like nothing.
#i think ill be ok#sure it takes big thinkingTM cause it political science but#if i keep this up i will do swell#paola speaks
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#fucks me up that there are two whole new animals in the house that i barely know#who depend on me for everything#barely recognize me as a friend or helper#and are so incredibly incredibly fragile#i got worried for junie today because her spay incision had some swelling#and it's normal to have some and i have seen it before#but after what we just wemt through i got upset and rushed her to the vet#who said it was fine and thankfully we have free office visits#but i was so upset even though i knew it was probably normal#i look at them and i see adorable cuddly sweet TEMPORARY things and i feel like something inside me got broken somehow#and i was right all along that after it was all over i would come back but not quite as myself#i just hadn't fully understood the extent#we are keeping them and it sort of had to happen when it did but i think it was too early for me#they are so cute and when they do cuddle it's so sweet and obviously i would fight for them as hard as i would for Fancy#because that's just how the deal works and it isn't about you at all it's about how they each carry a little world inside them just as we d#and that deserves equal respect and care regardless of my personal affections#but i look at them and i see little creatures that don't belong here and are foreign in some fundamental way#and that they will be gone in just a little while and things will go back to how they were#which is impossible#we will settle in and i doubt anything i am feeling is abnormal but I'm really struggling and i feel so bad about that#i don't know#it's just a lot to deal with#and i feel very lonely and sad about it#and under it all the sick feeling of having JUST held all three lads as they passed and the VISCERAL reality of it#and knowing one day if everything goes just right i will be holding them too#dear god life is so fragile and every living thing is just as mortal as any other
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what if i put my life in your hands? what if i took your life in mine?
#okay look there's a reason i've been obsessed with this scene for 21 slutty slutty years#imagine for a second you're yue#your master—whom you loved more than your own existence—decided his work was finished and didn't need you anymore#and he pushed you into the dark where you slept for centuries until a little girl woke you up by sheer dumb luck#you now are trapped in this horrible new era where everything is too loud and too fast and too bright#you're also trapped in a body that isn't yours jockeying for room with a completely separate soul that you don't know or particularly like#and you're draining your meager stores of magic to the dregs in order to keep the two of you alive#under the surface of tsukishiro yukito you're drowning—and the both of you are fading away entirely#and then this boy#pulls you to the surface of yourself#and says with his whole heart 'i won't let you disappear'#he smiles at you and teases you and then pours his not inconsiderable power into you#and you take and you take and you take and he never says stop#he never says only a little but no more#he holds you close and lets you sup on the very marrow of his magic until there's nothing left and he's simply an ordinary human#and for the first time in centuries—perhaps ever—you feel full#when you finally step away and ease his unconscious body onto the bed as gently as you can manage#you murmur that you ought to thank him#but it's such an inadequate way to convey your gratitude#how do you give thanks for what you've made him lose?#you put your life in his hands and he cradled it as if it were precious... and then he gave you his own in return#in the world before this one you would have been as good as wed#you thumb the swell of his cheek and allow yourself one last look at your would-be husband#and then turn around to face the threat behind the door#as it creaks open to reveal a little body wracked with sobs you think you would face anything that would dare come for him or his sister#not because it is your duty as the guardian of the cards#but because you love them#touya/yue#ccs#yue
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literally just got my medusa re-done and it might need to be surgically removed because the piercer used the smallest bar imaginable and put the ball on so crookedly that a grown ass adult couldn't take her off. even with pilers 🫠 y'all. if a sketchy uncle ever says "i know a guy" and that guy tells you he prefers smaller bars because he's too lazy to swap them out later on so just don't swell (A NATURAL BODILY REACTION TOTALLY UNCONTROLLABLE). run. don't walk. SPRINT!!!
#have you ever just wept uncontrollably in the middle of a supermarket parking lot#because this thing you've wanted for so long keeps rejecting you???#got her pierced at 17 and she rejected me so badly that i got an infection and had to have her removed#got her repierced ON THURSDAY#and my lip swelled up so bad that there's a very real fear shes gonna embed#she is literally my Moby Dick!!!!!!!!#i want her#she looks so cute beneath my septum#but she doesn't want me😭#i should have known better i know my body i know my piercing history#but i was all naurrrr surely the guy thats been doing this since before i was born Knows Better
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girlhood
#i have to fly out to capetown to see mother and im literally debating if i could land in the morning and leave at night on the same day#like. anything longer than that is going to ruin my year.#when she called and did her “katherine. you have to be here on the 10th” i literally sobbed in my bed for the rest of the day 😍😍😍#not dyeing my hair black for a year and its getting lighter and lighter everyday and i look like her again#and my therapist telling me “you need to do things for yourself.” but like can i? sorry that woman traumatised me and i actually cant :)#like everything i do is informed by her#I'm going to go and just like everytime the only way to keep my sanity is to mirror her. talk and sit and speak and read and eat like her#and its such a terrifying experience bc i remember that im capable of emulating her viciousness and maybe i am my mother's daugher 🤢🤢🤢#and im going to come back and its going to take fucking months for me to feel like myself again#“oh you look so beautiful just like your mother” i hope you DIE lol !!! the fact that my conception of beauty was shaped by her#growing up with this cruel beautiful detached woman and realising that at the intersection of beauty and wickness is a lifetime of pain#and still being so desperate for her approval- for any metaphysical proximity to her that i felt elated when#people would tell me i look like her. that it meant i was also beautiful like her and maybe she'll love me a little for it#but now i know for a fact that i do look like her and it makes saliva swell under my tongue - that moment right before you throw up-#when people mention it 😍#last time i was in capetown my optic neuritis flared up (and i know for a fact it was that it was ms-stress related from having to see her)#and i thought i hid it so well even though i had near constant headaches & lethargy until she said “katherine give me the red notebook”#and i knew that she knew all along. it was so acutely humiliating standing there and knowing she knows i cant see which one is the red one#and she tilted her head and said “whats the matter? do you not know what red looks like?”#im never going to have kids. my mother and i read eachother so well it can only mean im never too far removed from becoming her#lol!!!!!!!!!
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fitzier hatesex save me. fitzier hatesex. save me fitzier hatesex.
#either give me these two hatefucking like stray cats in heat or give me a gutwrenching tragedy#in this house we dont believe in post-rescue AU happy endings#im happy for people who do you guys are swell keep it up 👍💯🔥#but i just want my bitches toxic and deeply unhappy <33#the only post-rescue AUs that i truly care for are the ones where they just. dont work together as well as they thought they would <33#because i hate fun and happiness and all things true and beautiful <3
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BWAH 🎺
sadly plays the trumpet for my migrating nipple piercing....pack it up boys....we're through.....
#they have been fussy for all 5 (Barely) months i've had them & my piercer & i Thought the problem was i was overcleaning them...#then my lymph node swelled up...then it went away...#now This....well. Goodbye#i don't want only one & i don't want to risk the other one migrating either#the sight of only one doing that was ENOUGH THANKS#anyway thanks to my lymphatic system for keeping them from getting infected. sad. ugh.#dial p for post
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The way that the sun hits leaves and clouds. I feel like I could watch the colors change forever. If I could slow down for that long.
#i keep forgetting a have a deck now. i can go outside and sit there#im doing that now. sitting in the corner of a deck full of empty chairs. staring up at a big pine tree where the sun is striking it gold#at the top. i like how thr light hits the needles. if the sky was black it would look like its on fire#theres a tree outside my bedroom window too. in the morning. after the sunrises it catches thr light and refelcts the most perfect shade#of green. the kind of green that flutters translucent like youre looking up from the bottom of a pool. the light the light its all about#the sun. everything everything is about the sun. when i start my project I'll be focused on understanding how organisms catch the light bc#its so incredible and complicated it would make my chest swell to bursting if there wasnt an empty bleeding wound in my gut. a#metaphorical wound of course. i dunno. its just difficult bc right now my mood is inflated by hormones. not even that much i think I'm#just at what shoulf be a normal level of happiness so i can be slow for a minute. but just a minute bc i kno it won't last long#sorry i cant shut the fuck up when im like this but i dunno i just feel like i havr to document these ephemeral moments before they're gone#its just difficult when you kno the world is so full of beautiful things but 95% of the time your eyes are too clouded to see it#everyone tells me i work too much but i feel like im just staring off into space being miserable 60% of the time. ive just done so much#damage over the past few years im coming into a new lab as damaged goods. ive got an albatross around my neck in thr form of data i#collected so self destructively that the idea of having anything to do with its publication makes me hate myself. everytime someone tells#me good job on collecting so so so much data it feels like they're congratulating me for breaking something within myself. like i slit my#wrists and bled out on a lab bench and theyre saying good job and theyre excited for me and i have to grin and bear it and pretend im#excited too. but im not bc ive burned everything inside me to ash. so when im elevated enough to be distracted by the clouds and trees it#feels like healing. like seeing angels. beautiful ephemeral beams of light. i wish i could slow down enough to watch them. but now thr sun#is hitting the horizon and the sky is going gradually dark and i should go inside. bc i have many things to do in the morning. so that's#what ill do. and ill try to get more thsn 6hrs of sleep but its hard when your body is vibrating over with energy#but at least i dont feel tired in the morning. something in my head must be on fire#unrelated#hm i should maybe add a tw to this#tw self injury#but its the kind thst makes u good at ur Job. its the kind ppl reward. so they don't understand when u say its destroying ur life#but im trying to get better. i say as i gear up for an insane semester lol but i do mean it
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SNW Christine has the vibes of someone who pours a glass of wine, hands it to Uhura, then starts drinking from the bottle. SNW Christine says she’s going to have “one glass of Romulan ale” and then pulls out a comedically large glass as a goof. Christine wore white converse with her thrift store dress to space prom. I can see this all clearly. She is this to me:
#this is not slander it's her quirky girl moment#Uhura is worried when this happens but Ortega is like YEAAAAH WHOOO#SNW Christine's favorite type of weather is the rain and she WILL get Spock to run around in it#and Spock'll be like 'They never let me run around in the rain on Vulcan...'#and Christine will smile and say 'You're not on Vulcan anymore' and the music swells#Christine Chapel dead-eyed listening to BLARING music as she dyes her hair sheer white in the bathroom <- girlboss building her empire#When will Christine Chapel have her coolgirl monologue?? I am waiting#I want Christine Chapel to introduce Spock to doritos or something I actually can't wait to see how many y/n shenanigans they get themselves#into. I want her to introduce Spock to a junkfood like Doritos and have it play a KEY part in their terrible quasi romance#I do not enjoy their romance but I have fun laughing at it genuinely and I do like having fun <3#I cannot meaningfully engage with it it's just so silly I just keep hearing 'You Belong With Me' by Taylor Swift when it crops up#Christine lying on the floor of her lab as La la land by Demi Lovato plays#WHO SAID - I CAN'T WEAR MY CONVERSE WITH MY DRESS WELL BABY...THAT'S JUST ME!!!!
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only posting this here because i dont think anyone will see it. i need to get this out
im so fucking tired of my life. im tired of caring, like, in general. as stupid as it sounds, i was watching kitchen nightmares, and gordon said something about a chef or an owner, i dont remember exactly, he said; "losing hope is a scary thing to do, when theres just no more light at the end of the tunnel, it takes you down dark paths." or something like that. and ive been suicidal/depressed since i was 9, but i thought to myself "im not hopeless, am i?". the more i thought about it, the worse i felt because, god no, im not hopeless. im helpless, or maybe i wallow too much in my own self pity. i dont know the difference. every goddamn day feels like another waking nightmare, im sick of living with my mom, im sick of her not letting me get a job. i dont want my name on the damn electric bill because shes over $1,000 in debt to the power company anymore. shes already ruining my credit, and i dont even have a damn job! not to mention her fucking kid, her 5yo fucking kid, im taking care of. the product of the man who beat me over and over again, threatened to kill me, and then he took a greyhound bus out of our lives. why didnt she protect me? he never once hit her, or anyone else, why didnt mom help me? i was only 13 when he first pulled me by my hair and slammed me into the stairs because i let moms ice cream tub melt on the kitchen table for half an hour. it took him till my brother was 3 to leave. she valued him over me, and even now. im always taking care of my brother, even when he screams at me, cusses at me, throws things at me, spits on me, hits me, kicks me, claws me, bites me, and more. you get the point. she never even tells him to stop, she doesnt have to scream, or hurt him, or anything. just please, please tell them to stop hurting me. i still take care of him. i take care of him when she takes 20 fucking benadryl and passes out for the full time shes at home between shifts. i sacrificed my education to "help her" take care of him. and she gets mad at me when i parent him, when i tell him off, or even more mad when i have to cry and beg him to stop hurting me. she says "youre 22 years old, get a grip" when im covered in bruises from the 5 year old "hes five!" she will scream when i tell her he hurts me. "he is five, hes supposed to listen to you" i said once, and she just stared at me. im always fucking things up, she never fails to let me know, when she looks at me like that i know its my fault. i cant even begin on my relationship, i shouldnt, he might see this. i just want to give up, im so tired of caring, i want to let it all go. my dog died, i ruined him too, i couldnt take him to the vet i couldnt help him. hes gone because i failed. my baby, im not saying that in the cringy melinial way, he saved me from suicide. so many times, it was "hell be so confused why im gone..", "hes gonna miss me", "whos gonna take care of him?" but now hes gone and im still here. my baby, is gone and im so selfishly still here. why wouldnt she let me get a job? i couldve taken him, i couldve at least got him put down so he didnt have to suffer in his favourite spot on my bed till his kidneys put him down for us. if i didnt know, my boyfriend would kill himself too when he comes home from classes tomorrow, and i was dead, i would take the entire 160 count bottle of benadryl i stole from moms room. i want to see my baby, he never ever missed on helping me, i owe him my life and couldnt even give him that when he passed. but not for lack of trying.
but even so, i dont feel hopeless. maybe only yearning, but it feels enough like hope. when i use my right hand to stroke my left cheek and neck, it almost feels like someone else. i get a glimmer of a thought, "one day, i wont have to beg to be taken care of. someone will do it because they want to.", but still, it hurts worse. i dont know how i can possibly derive so much gut wrenching pain from that little bit of hope, but i do. and still, i cant help myself, i cant blame anyone else. i can only hope someone will come save me. if i could handle this all on my own, i wouldnt be here typing this.
i want to decompose.
writing this after that monster of a textblock in the tags, but if you were wondering. im not exaggerating about the mess, and i wouldnt normally judge. because i have had worse bedrooms, mental illness is a bitch. but its in the common area, and she absolutely does make the 5yo live in it. she moved out to the living room after their room was too trashed for her to even walk in, so she toated her 50" fucking tv right out there and hasnt moved, accept to go to work, since. everyone pray or cross your fingers or send me some good energy to hope she gets sliced into a million pieces at work instead of accidentally oding on bennies so i can raise my brother with her life insurance money.
#tw: abuse#tw: death#tw: suicidality#are people even gonna have that tag blocked? i didnt even know that was a word#tw: suidice#this will hopefully feel a lot better and more freeing that venting to a character aye eye lud#and hopefully i wont have a panic attack from my intense fear of rejection (someone will see this and not even read it all#im already shitting myself about it)#not really. but if one person has something mean to say. i might actually commit#not to put any pressure onto whoever is reading this#if anyone#if you are. i love you. even if i dont know you- right now in this moment i genuinely feel an intense swell of affection#i love you dear reader. probably more than my boyfriend loves me hahahhhh.#doesnt it feel good to feel so intensely. and never have those overwhelming feelings reciprocated?#i want to go to sleep so bad but i have to get up and go clean the living room#mom has started living out there. she sleeps on the couch and the entire room is trashed#like level 2 hoarder. 2020 depression bedroom. typa thing. its genuinely so disgusting.#no matter how clean i keep my room the bugs still come in and live in my furniture#i want to sleep or kill every one of us. im not entirely sure what would feel better#i actually want to kms less now but i dont know if i can post this. i dont think i have the confidence#pressing post before i psych myself out. if i dwell on this anymore i might actually do it.#i also wanna say. im so so SO sorry to whoever might actually see this. im sorry you came into contact with me in any way#and im even more sorry if you felt bad for me or something. im sorry. i dont know why i think writing this was okay.#but whats done is done. and i love you still. and im so sorry.
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Really hate how obnoxiously sensitive my skin is. Any time I get so much as a mosquito bite my skin bubbles up into gnarly, welted, unbearably itchy blisters for days afterwards that turn into horrifying bloody craters if I let myself scratch.
#sensitive skin#bug bites#made the mistake of standing around outside in the evening for too long on sunday's date#and now I'm covered in really nasty bites#all over my shoulders and upper arms and thighs and even on my hands 😭#I've been icing the welts and putting tiger balm on them to just try to make the itching stop and the swelling go down#but it's not enough and even the ones that I've avoided scratching keep weeping#i hate my stupid skin#i blame getting lyme disease as a kid#it fucked up my skin so bad#i used to get the worst breakouts of hives#and I have something going on (maybe psoriasis?) where I have weird scaly dry patches that refuse to heal#but I've never had the money to treat any of it#and also assume that even if i went to doctor that they would find a way to blame it on my weight rather than actually do anything helpful
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Since you mentioned it, what did you think of Speak No Evil? I was thinking of watching it myself :0
i really liked it ............ my friend scoffed at me when i told her i was watchin it so take my opinion with a grain of salt tho </3
#snap chats#SHE DIDNT EVEN WATCH IT BUT W/E SPOILER FREE QUICK REVIEW DOWN HERE HIIII <3<3<3<3#ive been made aware my tastes are. Questionable so proceed with caution vlklvjv im so sorry if i convince you to see it and you dont like i#moving on I Have. done nothing but listen to Eternal Flame for the past week its been stuck in my head ever since#BUT FR as i said I Really Liked It. i heard that theres another/original version so i wanna watch that at some point#if i care to remember and find it vjaelkjeakl but as This Movie On Its Own i had a swell time !!!#it does a really good job of teetering that line of#'this is just a quaint little sometimes-awkward get-together' and 'this is so stressful i just might throw up'#it did a good job of keeping me invested and on my toes i guess- it bitters innocuous scenarios really well which i like#like i wasnt sure WHEN whatever scene i was watching would turn sour but i always had that feeling it /would/- that lingering feeling#the horror in this is more psychological than violent- it only gets crazy by the last quarter honestly#which isnt bad! i like psych horror and Christ. the amount of times i was just grimacing in my seat like Suspense Is The Word#like imagine a dinner party where people only say controversial things and you dont want to blow up the situation#so you just try to be really polite about pivoting from the topic. but they keep going. thats basically the horror of this movie at its cor#i do have SOME comments about some bits but i wanna rewatch the movie at some point to be thorough on my comments jglejlakj#yk do a rewatch where im. NOT jokin bout with my brother- THO TBF DESPITE THAT I was still invested#like its premise is so. simple? in concept imo. but 'simple' isnt automatically bad in my eyes and i really liked how it played out#i dont watch movies much tho so maybe its been done different but there is ONE thing tht definitely made me like. HUH#but its nothing super major i dont htink? I MEAN IT WAS KINDA BIG BUT there were signs to it being revealed. still it made me vjLJ like god#i cant explain tho cause SPOILERS but ... Yeah. its not that crazy it just definitely took me by surprise for how quick the reveal was#tldr: if you ever wanted to watch an awkward dinner party where you couldnt do anything about it this is the movie to watch#and i like that. i like that because i hate myself apparently jVLAEKJVAEKLJ#coupled with horror it was also funny at times which i felt did help with that underlying 'when will this be tainted' horror#i really liked that ... when normalcy or the feeling of safety can be taken away in an instant#if you watch it and wanna talk bout it more in depth ill prob have rewatched it by then and id like to give a more. Detailed review#OR AT LEAST ONE NOT SO RAMBLY VELKAVJEALKJ im not good at reviewing things .... i just know when i like or dont like somethin ..#ive only had my bro to talk bout this with and he doesnt really. Give his thoughts or opinions too much like i do#so id be happy to talk bout it and get your perspective !!!! but only if you want Again if you dont like it im so sorry erlakjaekl#god theres so much more i want to say but im just rambling and i wanna be brief for you my friend vlakjlakvlkj#anyway yeah. those are my quick thoughts. i was Very Normal about james mcavoy for most of this movie ty for reading
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I am so tired of getting mosquito bites INSIDE!!!! how and why does this keep happening!!!!
#🥞🧇#I’ve literally gotten 3 in the last 24 hrs 🥲#we don’t keep anything open so idk how they are getting in!!!#I also have an allergy to them so not only am I a magnet my bites swell up really big and are SUPREMELY itchy and also blister#the bug bite thing doesn’t help either I literally dk what to do :(#they have those like plug in traps so maybe one of those will help??? but i get bit all over the house not just one room 😭😭#I’m literally waking up in the middle of the night bc I’m so itchy I cannot deal w this 😭😭
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“So anyway:,” he continued, “good news. Libby’s delightfully bad at this, but at least she's informative. And-what?” Nico blinked, realizing Gideon was looking quizzically at him while waiting for an answer. "What do you mean what?” Nico demanded, suddenly self-conscious. "Keep going. You know where she is?” "Yes, I was just…��� Gideon's mouth twisted with amusement, then he shrugged. "I can keep it brief, if you want. I was just going to tell you she’s-“ “Talk all day." Nico countered instantly. "Seriously. Recite poetry, I don’t care” "She's in Los Angeles," Gideon said. "In 1989." Nico's heart swelled to bursting. "Is she?"
- “The Atlas Paradox” by Olivie Blake
#WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHAT#keep going#you know where she is?#HE’S SO DESPERATE#gideons mouth twitching in amusement because he knows Nico cares so much about where Libby is and wants to know the answer SO BAD#then Nico pretending like he doesn’t care because he got called out on it LOL#HIS HEART SWELLED TO BURSTING#see like I said Gideon has picked up on Nico’s feelings for Libby#nicolibby#libbynico#nicolibby quotes#libbynico quotes#nico x libby#libby x nico#libby rhodes#nico de varona#olivie blake#the atlas series#the atlas paradox#tap#tap spoilers#the atlas paradox spoilers
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Une petite houle, venue du large, imprimait au canot un léger roulis, et quelque crêtes de lames clapotaient à son avant. (Vingt mille lieues sous les mers, 2e partie, chapitre III)
today in sentences that would have made me weep quietly into my dictionary if i had read them a year ago before jules verne expanded my marine vocabulary by ~1700%.
#do u you know how long it took me to figure out 'lame' has a totally separate sea-related meaning#i was like a slat? a slat of what???????#no it's just one of the three most common words for 'wave'#(the others being vague and flot(s))#(not to mention houle of course. or remous)#(and onde but that's a different kind of wave)#now i see it and i'm like ouais ouais une lame nous tous l'avons vue#french#my posts#hey remember the first time i read a jules verne novel & was going crazy trying to figure out what 'allure' was in a nautical context#i was like i know allure means speed...but he is definitely not using it to mean speed#that's how they get you. all these normal words with normal meanings that have SPECIAL BONUS MEANINGS#as soon as you get on a boat 😩 but jules verne is like. you are going to learn these words if it kills me#and who am i to argue with a guy who really wants to teach me five different words for wave/swell?#i learned all the words for mud and manure because that was important to vicky hugo. it's the least i can do#now i'll tell you where i draw the line is learning all the names of the different species of fish. in french.#he's throwing like multiple paragraphs of run-on sentences per chapter at me that are just listing forms of marine life#i don't even know what these are in english so i'm just letting them wash over me#i've learned the ones that keep showing up over and over but most of them are so specialized they're not even in the dictionary#frenchified scientific latin ass names#very fun to pronounce but yeah i ain't committing these to long-term storage sorry
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the doctor says my thyroid levels are normal and just indicate i have hashimotos, which we knew, so back to the drawing board
#it’s most likely is a mass with my thyroid that’s pressing into my throat#which my ultrasound will show#and i’m not worried about it being cancerous because the doctor and like every other hypothyroid person online says it’s most likely benign#but it means i’ll probably need another surgery#when i just took time off for my nose#and it’s literally the busy season starting up#so i can’t take time off now#and it’s just all fucking great and ugh#maybe i’ll get lucky and they can just give me a drug to reduce my thyroid swelling or something idk#i just want to stop coughing#that’s literally all i want#it’s been two months of hell#i can’t keep doing this#kelly babels
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