#if i can figure out how to do that i can die happy

[furioussheepluminary]

𝐑𝐞𝐦𝐞𝐦𝐛𝐞𝐫 𝐌𝐞...

Pairing: general!hyunjin x afab!reader, established relationship, nonidol!au

Synopsis: hyunjin calls you after a wreath-laying ceremony. he's been holding on for too long and he breaks down in front of you. luckily you're always there to remind him of his strength.

Warning: angst, tiny mention of death, fluff, comfort

A/n: first one for the books! Didn't mean to come off as emotional or whatever I just wanted to try it out. But this won't be happening often so enjoy this pilot episode! (heh)

The dialing tone hummed in his ears as he adjusted the camera on his tablet. The faint glow on the screen illuminated his stark features, under eyes dark and heavy, skin pale from overloading work. His uniform lay at the edge of his bed, tossed along with his cap. After attending the wreath-laying ceremony he barely had anytime to collect himself rushing into his room and locking himself. It hadn’t been easy. The number of colleagues and juniors he had lost over the past months collective with the weight of duty pressing on his shoulders gave him sleepless nights and on days he managed to sleep; nightmares. Sitting by his desk in a vest and trousers he had managed to eat some of the dinner his friend had made for him to “keep his mind off the empty seats at base.” But the remnants lay there beside him getting cold. He only had one goal tonight.

To hear her voice. All he needed was to hear your voice.

Hyunjin always imagined what it would be like if one day you never picked up the phone when he called, or if it wasn’t you that answered. Maybe your new man, claiming you’d finally got tired of waiting around for him. It would be better if you didn’t wait for him at all, start a new life all together. He just wanted you to be happy. To not think about whether he’d die every other day.

A soft chime from his screen signaled the video calls connection which ultimately brought Hyunjin out of his depressing thoughts. There you were, his anchor. Your warm smile thawing his frozen world from miles away. Your hair messy and tousled from laying on the bed. Your figures were wrapped in his hoodie. He chuckled at how oversized it looked but it just made his chest tighten with longing.

“Hey, captain,” you greeted softly, hand raising in a salute. “Rough day?”

“At ease, solider” he replied out of habit. “Baby, I don’t even know where to start.” Hyunjin exhaled, a tired grin playing on his face.

You glanced past him on the screen to see his occasional uniform on the bed. “You had an event today and you didn’t tell me before?” he followed your line of sight and grimaced at the awful reminder the clothes gave him. He turned back to you, playing with fingers. “Yes, but it wasn’t one of the…good ones.” You raised your eye brows in confusion then acknowledgement.

“Oh, baby I'm so sorry.” your hands covered your mouth in a feeling that you said something out of line. “It’s okay, baby. Things like these happen. No one can control it.”

“How many did we lose?” you whispered. Hyunjin’s eyes faced the ceiling like he was trying hard not to cry again. He really couldn't. Seeing a general like him cry was a sign of weakness. He couldn't be weak.

“We lost fourteen, baby.” His voice cracked on the number.

Your heart ached at the rawness in his voice, his normally steady demeanor crumbling in the safe space you'd built between you two. “Hyunjin...” you whispered, your voice thick with emotion.

His lips pressed into a hard line, eyes still upward fighting to keep his composure. “I— I tried. We all did.” He shook his head, the weight of guilt evident in his voice. “But it wasn’t enough.”

“Hey, no,” you interrupted, your voice firm but gentle. “You’re doing everything you can. You always have. None of this is on you.” Your fingers graze the outline of his cheek on your device in hopes that he could feel your touch.

Hyunjin’s breath shuddered, and for a moment, he stayed silent. His hands, calloused and trembling, fidgeted on the desk. He finally looked back at you, his eyes red and watery from the tears he failed to hold.

“B-baby-”

“Sometimes it feels like I’m just waiting for my turn,” he admitted, the confession hanging heavily in the space between you. A lump formed in your throat, but you swallowed it down. “Don’t say that.”. “You deserve someone who’s here. Not someone who might just— disappear.”

“No,” you said with conviction, shaking your head. “I want you. I love you. Don’t push me away because you're hurting.” Your eyes shimmered with unshed tears. You had to be the strong one now. “Please don't do that.”

Hyunjin looked away, jaw clenched, guilt still etched into every line of his face. “You’re my home,” you continued, voice softer now. “And no matter where you are, I’ll always be here waiting for you, Hyunjin. Always.”

His eyes flickered back to the screen, misty and vulnerable. “God, I don’t deserve you.” “Yes, you do,” you insisted. “You’ve always been enough for me.”. “I wish I could hold you right now,” he whispered brokenly. “Fuck, I don't even remember what your hair feels like.”

“Soft as moonlit sighs, slipping through fingers like secrets in the night.” You replied, watching as Hyunjin’s face contorted in cringe. “That's way too much.”

“Your the one that said it. I remember very correctly.” He smiled at her, the shadow of sadness slowly leaving. Then an idea sparked in your mind.

“H-hey you need to remember me right? Remember the things I do t-that make you happy?”

Hyunjin fixed his composure, wiping his stray tears. “Yeah? What do you have in mind, my love?”

“Well, every time you smell blueberries, think of me. Those are always my favorite.”

He nodded in agreement giving a toothy smile.

“Uh...whenever you check the time, remember how I used to grab your wrist to drag you places. When you touch your utterly attractive buzzcut, remember how obsessed I was when you came back with it that night. Oh! Our photos, look at those. Those are our memories. Whenever you struggle with that button on your uniform remember how I'd swat your hand away to help you fix it. God, there are so many things baby.”

Hyunjin concluded. You were perfect. Too perfect for him. As you rambled on and on of how he could catch a glimpse of you in his everyday life he just wondered how you could stay and love a man like him. Seeing you full of expressions and joy gave him the strength he needed.

“Oh, oh and one more the most important one; everytime someone calls your name, remember how I used to call you with so much love. Remember how I used to call you in every moment.”

His eyes dilated. They were focused on you. On the pure beauty you exuded.

His lover. His only muse.

“I love you.” Hyunjin said softly, his gentle smile calming the tension on his face. Another tear rolled down but he let it. “I adore you, my love.”

“Hyune, c’mon stop being sappy. I'm just trying to make you feel better.” You scratched the back of your neck, your cheeks warming up. He didn't listen.

“Your too perfect for me. Fuck baby I don't care if I have to say it a million times. I. Love. You.”

You smiled back.

“I love you too, baby.”

You rested your face in your hands leaning against the table.

"I love you too, Hyunjin. You're my hero, always. Stay strong for me okay? I need someone to take care of me anyways."

He chuckled. You both stayed on the call for a while longer, silence filling the space with unspoken comfort. He’d better find a way to make you his before anyone else did, because you were his. Only his.

“Hey maybe when you come back we can start switching up things at home.”

“Things? Things like what?”

“A room for the baby.”

“A-A WHAT??!”

hehehe thought I'd leave it here...noice cliffie. Did we cry a bit? No? Well I hope so. Again this is my first so comments would be nice.

Liking and reblogging are allowed. Reposting strictly prohibited.

Taglist:

@pixie-felix @pessimisticloather

If you'd like to be added you can drop your blog name in my asks!

~kc. 💗

[sosadraws]

I realized I never explained how they're personality wise.

Due to the nature of their job it's common for others to avoid them because a) the whole "dealing with dead bodies" thing and b) while on duty they stink of cleaning chemicals. Because of that, Rabengeiers aren't used to social interaction outside their own groups, but still do their best to deal with others in a professional manner.

RBGR units tend to be what people call "NPCish", in the sense that they don't really interact with others outside their cadre or close friend group, unless the other person approaches them first. In that same sense, they enjoy hanging out and participating in group activities with others, but first they have to be explicitly told they can participate in order for them to join.

Bonded pairs aren't exclusive to other Rabengeiers or Eules, but they're the most common pairings since Rabengeiers rarely get the chance to interact with other units and they feel intimidated by protektors. In a relationship (both platonic and romantic) they're the type to remind their other one how much they appreciate them, in a "Oh wow, I can't believe you're with me right now. Who knows what the future has prepared, but I'm so happy you're with me right now please don't die, I'll be very sad if you die" kind of way. On the contrary, with people they dislike they will make excuses to not be around them or behave in a passive-agressive way.

Random extra tibits that I don't know how to bring up in a smooth way:

They're actually really chill about the concept of death ("Well, yeah. We're all going to die someday 🤷"). What some find slighly disturbing is the conditions in which some of these deaths happen (a corpse that has been rotting for a week before being discovered or a political figure that coincidentially commited suicide the day after disrespecting the Great Revolutionary. Both different types of messed up scenarios that they prefer not to think so hard about).

They never talk to others outside their cadre about work. Nobody in their sane judgement would want to hear about cluttered homes, decomposing bodies, maggots and the like. All that information goes into their diaries.

In a modern AU they would love Powerwash Simulator.

i finally sat down and drew one of the original replika concepts I've had for a while. Behold, biohazard cleaners that need a bestie in order to stay stabilized.

I still need to figure how I'm going to match the German acronym with the name and fix the wording, but here's the general idea.

[writingdevil]

Ok this is kind of a weird prompt but it would be interesting to write something relating to the Narrator, since I’ve noticed he doesn’t have much stuff of his own despite being one of the three important characters that makes the construct

It would be interesting to see how you write him

(Oh, that's an interesting one! The Narrator is one of the most important characters and he's very intriguing to me. Still, he's not a character that I write or think about a lot, but I'll try my best and I hope you like it-enjoy!)

"You're on a path in the woods..."

This was going to work. This was going to work. It had to. He may be an Echo, but he can still do something to get the paradise he deserves. He's come this far, and he can't exactly back out now.

"...and at the end of that path, is a cabin..."

He created this construct and this script, just to make sure that his plan succeeded. Nothing could go wrong, because if it did, then he wouldn't be able to be at peace anymore. He can't risk that. He won't allow that reality to come to fruition.

"...and in the basement of that cabin, is a princess."

This was the right thing to do. Maybe in another life, another echo of himself, he would be ashamed of himself for taking the very two concepts that shaped the universe, giving them consciousness and godhood, only to trap them in this vicious act-but he wasn't. She has to die, so that he can get the happiness he deserves.

"You're here to slay her."

The figure that he was narrating to, flinched and froze at his words, but it didn't matter. He couldn't stop this, stop what needed to be done. The Echo couldn't bare to live in a world where she dictated how the universe worked.

No, the concept of change was a terrifying thing, and the Echo was determined to have the Long Quiet erase it from existence, for there was only so much that the Echo himself could do. Change was something that the world didn't need. Forcing all the good and love that he once knew to disappear, just for something different and wrong to take its place, leaving him with no handle on how to keep going.

People can't just disappear like that. People can't just force him to live on, knowing that all that made him happy would one day rot and die. He can't live in a world like that anymore. He did, once upon a time, but he would rid the world of that suffering for good now, so that nobody would have to feel what he once endured.

Everything would be perfect, so long as the reality that the Echo wants, is made without the concept of change, without the possibility of death and grief and loss. He refused to feel like that again, and there's nothing that these two little gods can do to thwart his plans.

"If you don't, it will be the end of the world."

[holocene-sims]

next // previous

june 3, 2022 2:00 p.m. newcrest counseling

"i'm really happy to hear you think you worried too much, but what makes you say that? did you feel differently than you expected?"

"i did, actually. as i've figured out over the last week, doing the work to become a healthier person means i know how to better manage negative emotions. i often still default to seeing myself as the person who just falls apart as soon as i feel any emotion less pleasant than neutral. at first, when i was on the plane and then in my hotel room alone, i was battling negative thoughts, but i turned it around pretty quickly. to be honest, that was weird. i'm so used to having to completely lose it before i can recover. recovering at the first very tiny peak in severity is almost a miracle.

finding the good things, however small, to focus on last weekend was what helped me revert my mood and stop feeling icky before icky became horrendous. the negative thoughts on my mind, i redirected to the best of my ability. like, for example, okay, if i never fly an airplane again before i die, i'll just be thrilled i could do it for a few years. a few wonderful years is better than zero years. little kid grant never thought he'd survive past 18, let alone follow his dreams. if time travel were possible and i could go back and tell grant kid he flew an airplane one day, he'd never fucking believe it. so, i already won. nothing can take that away.

on that note, i'm historically not the best at being open to good things or experiences. i'm at least prone closing myself off to relishing them once they're over. i spent so long being lashed by the world with no end in sight that i don't trust goodness, you know? i expect people to get fed up with me or to hurt me. i expect the universe to screw me over. i also believe i don't deserve goodness, and i've thrown away good things myself for that reason alone. i think i'll struggle with those specific thoughts for a very long time, but i do know that i am learning move past them. i'm learning to believe i deserve better and to appreciate things more and to extract what i can from my experiences.

i realized i was moving past those thoughts for the first time after dealing with my ex and then cutting off my dad for the second time, but especially after my dad, and now i'm confirming the changes. i felt like hot garbage for weeks after that final conversation with him because i just did. reminding myself of how truly horrible he was as a father hurt, but after a while, i was glad i told him the truth, and suddenly, i had much more appreciation for the male figures in my life who were or are kind to me. a burden was legitimately lifted off my shoulders, and old me would have never managed to find anything positive in that situation, so the fact that current me did says a lot. if i can find something positive there, i can find something positive anywhere.

but hey, i'm not even getting to the most fulfilling part of why i felt differently than i expected. the wedding was genuinely great, and i ended up wasting no substantial amount of time absorbed in my own feelings, so i got to be present with my friends. even when i was pretending my trauma didn't exist years ago, i spent so much time stuck in my own head or my own body, always filtering every personal conversation through that lens, and you don't get how much energy and attention that soaks up until you can be fully present with people. of course, it helps that i knew all these people and knew i could relax and trust them, but still. it felt good to be able to devote my entire attention to celebrating them and their lives and not have split it between them and my own exhausting thoughts."

[fascinationstreetmp3]

What if...what if past dm didn't happen. How do you see it playing out? And actually give your two cents about danlou too plz. Cause sometimes I think he is the devil ( angel) to Daniel's minion. Idk if that makes sense?

admittedly it sometimes is difficult for me to shut off my "past dm definitely happened" thinking because im just so certain there are too many hints that it did LOL but...

for armand, there's this boy he wrote off in 1973, who he maybe genuinely couldn't find anything "fascinating" or extraordinary about, who he has perhaps been underestimating this whole time in 2022— i could see him realising that now daniel is truly sharp-minded and ruthless, with none of the attempts to knock him off balance really working, and he's figured out so much in such a short space of time and ultimately gotten the truth (and a little revenge) he was after in the end. there's something very intriguing in that, despite the anger he feels that daniel took everything from him.

maybe turning him could feel like a punishment to armand (even though i think daniel did want to be a vampire by that point, armand might not realise that. and it could also be a form of punishment for louis, taking away daniel's humanity in a perversion of letting him live for louis in 1973), but maybe it's also subconsciously a way of keeping around someone who has figured him out and seen him so quickly, even if that is something he runs from.

for daniel, i think everything that went down in dubai sort of "woke him up." when we first see him, he looks bored, tired, and lonely. he barely talks to his family, only enough for them to know he's sick, and he's teaching internet classes now. the pandemic has kept him away from the world but it also feels like the passion has seeped out of him long before that. at this point he's expecting to die someday soon and leave his daughters some cash. being invited for a second interview with louis doesn't immediately break him out of that mindset; it's invigorated him some by the end of the first season, but once there's an even bigger mystery to crack after armand reveals himself, that's when he really starts enjoying himself.

by the end of season 2, daniel is so far in it he doesn't want it to stop, chasing a high. and for that reason, even if the turning was "spiteful" on armand's part, i think daniel would've wanted to be turned either way. just like daniel in the books, he can't go back to an ordinary life and function normally or sit around waiting to die after being so involved in this world. armand gives it to him in some form— but daniel wants more, he wants answers and a story from armand, he wants to crack the truth about him and figure out "where the bullshit starts." so he chases after him when armand leaves, and it turns into an inverse of their original chase in the books:

the highlighted lines could actually actually work in reverse in this scenario too— daniel wants to know what makes armand so fascinating, wants to know what and who he really is. even down to daniel himself not being able to move about by day now when armand can. and as the chase goes on, they learn more about one another, becoming drawn to each other despite the animosity between them.

as for the second part of your question, do you mean danlou kind of acting as the show's version of devil's minion? or their relationship being more similar to what armand and daniel's is in the books? i see danlou as something unique, and especially if there was any kind of past dm, i don't know that louis would be directly involved— in the sense that i believe he wouldn't be happy to fuck with this kid's life even further than he already did, with the "think of me as god or an angel" speech he gave trying to set daniel free from everything he'd seen and heard from armand. even if louis doesn't really care as much about humanity in general as he sometimes claims, daniel is a symbol of something to louis, proof he can still do good.

whereas with armand, no matter what love was there, dm is ultimately about keeping daniel embroiled in that life. armand shares his blood and lets daniel get addicted to it, and it slowly breaks daniel apart until he's losing his mind.

like you said, louis is more the "angel" where armand's the "devil." in a past dm scenario i actually think it's possible the words louis speaks to daniel in 1973 could be something that helps daniel towards the end of his relationship with armand in the 80s ("if things ever get bad again," "these words will hold you up and carry you; they are your lifeline") and could be what led to him finally breaking free of armand and maybe asking to be "let go" if he really won't ever turn him.

but to me whether past dm happened or not, danlou is about daniel being the first person in a long time to listen to louis both in 1973 and 2022, louis changing and saving daniel's life in a way no one else ever did, and daniel coming back 50 years later and eventually returning the favour. they're both fathers to daughters, they've both repressed themselves in various ways, they've both had their memories messed with by armand.

they're the vampire and the interviewer who kick off the whole story being told, and i think the show portrays that very well, keeping them (and hopefully their relationship) relevant going forward and expanding on their relationship with each other in a way the books never did, and not really borrowing any dynamic from dm or anyone else. armand of course hangs over them both, the same way louis hangs over dm, the same way daniel factors into loumand in 1973 and 2022, and they're all important to each other for different reasons.

[trashabilly]

yall i spent a good hour tryna figure out how to crochet a chain stitch (i was following a tutorial) and let me just say.. what the fuck

[xxplastic-cubexx]

btwww your first comic (the pookie bear one), when looking at your hank, i remembered a fanart i saw on twitter that it was charles and erik kissing then hank would be watching then and saying "how disgusting" and he kept looking at them

everyone likes to see the great erik magnus lehnsherr being soft towards his man charles francis xavier

omg yah ive seent aht comic :]] good stuff ...

[mukuberry]

you;re having a normal one about round 6 huh?

GRRRRRRRAAGFARRAEAGGRRRRRRRREASAAAAGHHHHHRRRRRRRGRGRGRGRGRRRRRRRRRRGROWWWWGGHHHHHGRAHHHHJJJHHHHHHHHHHHHHGRGREGWFFHADGDGADFYAFHFQFHAHFGDAFHSFHDGAHFHWFFHSUFFHAFHSRRRRRRRRRR

[famewolf]

for so long all I wanted to do was die but now that I'm older, all I worry about is dying too soon. too soon to experience all the things I didn't give myself time for when I was young. I don't want to spend these years overthinking what time I have left

[undefeatablesin]

Incredibly and unfathomably emo about Maria and Adeline lately so idk what to do about that (take a wild guess as to what in fact I will do about that.)

[drabbleswithdragons]

I'm allergic to so many foods there may literally be no feeding tube formula that I can have ahahaha

[sexyleon]

I officially completely unplugged myself as much as I can 🙃🙃🙃 I’m way too reliant on my phone and waiting for people to talk to me is super unhealthy and has made me very anxious. I literally turned off ever single possible notification and will purposefully not be responding to messages because I just need time a space to figure out how to navigate myself without validation from others.

[mercurymacaroons]

please god just take it

long time no post, sorry for the hiatus but lmao my rl job threw me through the ringer and then whoops!!!!!! didnt draw for 2+ years. im in a new job now and found out that my settings for clip were fucked up so i did some messing around and now i am having a blast so yeehaw.

this was supposed to be a nose sketch then it somehow turned into the smtv nahobino idk what happened. for a while he looked like chad from accounting but i think i salvaged it kinda maybe. def need to do some more studies on asian people bc it is def not right but i didnt really use any references so thats on me. i dont think im going to finish this, hence the ss, but maybe i will one day. i just wanted to post something since ive started drawing again and should probably dust this blog off at some point

anywho, morbid ordeal of being known aside - if any of yall are still here, do you wanna see just like sketches like this? maybe not this detailed bc that damn nose took too damn long, but i think i could do sketches and thumbnails

[snekdood]

i just struggle to believe theres any ethical way to harvest meat. farm animal dying of old age? yeah. ok. sure. but farm animals aren't going to be perpetually dying of old age enough to fulfill the demand for their meats. you can make better and more convincing arguments to me for ethically harvesting eggs, wool and milk rather than meat.

[methoughtsphantom]

HELL YEAH CROWN PRINCE PHANTOM whose ectoplasmic signature readings are obviously higher than that of his dad’s, who’s still filtering the corrupted ectoplasm and that takes time, (which is why he only wears the crown and not the ring.) So imagine, imagine that the imaginary of the vengeful angel was only visible to Danny, just like the crown, like imperceptible to human eyes kinda thing. To Batman Red Hood is just another ecto-entity who caught him off guard, and so he has to be better prepared. He goes see the JLD to ask for more information about these entities. They tell him one is the ghost king. Cuz mages can get a read in signatures and one is off the charts level powerful, or maybe Batman just had a scanner I dunno, point is Batman wrongly deduces whose the ghost king in this situation. After all, only one was able to actually display a tangible supernatural form and readings that remained steady during the scan. ((Jason’s are unreliable, funky if he’s not trying and bitch-you-better-start-running if he is.))

So. Batman wants to summon the ghost king. He doesn’t see a reason to involve the JL, just him and Constantine, who’s like ?? I heard there was new management, but…so new that the king’s a literal child?? okay I gotta see this. im putting a bunch of binds and spells so the ghost won’t be able to cross the summoning circle. Like Constantine just has Batman’s initial assessment and a power chart. Bruce’s detailed report indicates the kid has no experience on battle combat and instead just heavily relies on his powers (list of known powers not conclusive), but is still a threat that knows his and his associates secret identity. Curiously, the Bat also put that the kid is heavily suspected of being emotionally compromised.

Anyways

They expect a child.

They get the Red Hood.

Red Hood, who is still a bat, and still trained with assassins. Motherfucker whose ectoplasm readings are again so funky he can pass through the summoning’s restrains and binds as if they are not there. He’s such a little shit about how he’s sprinting the whole thing. He’s ghost adjacent enough he can turn intangible. He’s an expert on combat who can fucking predict what the bat’s planning to pull because he fought alongside him. Dramatic bitch saw Batman and immediately went to throw hands. Especially when the the Bat tries to pull off a gun on him.

Jason: oh so you’re using guns now??? you’re really such a hypocrite!!

Batman: I’m not the one whose letting a child cover for their criminal activities!!

…

Batman, at some point: I would never hurt my own son!!

Jason:

Jason: 🤡

…

Batman: how do you know our identities???

Jason, who didn’t know B knew he knew and who also had a pretty hardcore pretty little liars phase ✨: two can keep a secret if one of them is dead. bitch.

Batman:

Batman: this is confirmation. a dead figure from my past told him i’m Batman

…..

Batman, who’s still trying to see an angle to the Red Hood: You are obviously unfit to take care of a child

Jason:

Danny, 15 and thoroughly done with everyone's crap, steals the Crown of Fire and the Skeleton Key and uses the later to find a suitable new High King for the Infinite Realms. The key (also known as Deaths kay) acted like a sort of Infi-map but lacked the limitations of needing a natural portal to spawn in that time/location and could get you past any wards/protections no mater how powerful.

The key spawns him just in front of the form of a sleeping Jason Todd, and Danny decided he wasn't going to question the magical keys judgment and just plops the crown on a bleary and startled Jasons head.

The crown burned for this guy, signaling that it found him worthy and that was more than enough for Danny.

With no context whatsoever, Danny looked Jason in the eye, burning neon green meeting with wide greenish blue, "You're our king now."

Then he vanished.

Jason later finds that the Lazarus entity left behind a handmade pamphlet. It was immensely unhelpful.

[secondpersonpoetry]

Franziska Linkerhand, Brigitte Reimann