#if I had like.... a huge house... y'all... it would be OVER I'd be in the fuckin car RIGHT NOW

[milkpup]

｡⋆ʚ♡ bad luck comes in threes (and in me)

›› nsfw 18+ / 3 part fic

@ace_343 on twt

ch 2 ♡ ch 3

ʚ ao3 ɞ / ʚ kofi ɞ / ʚ fic masterlist ɞ

›› naoya zenin x f!reader ›› megumi fushiguro x f!reader ›› toji fushiguro x f!eader ›› naoya x f!reader x megumi / megumi x f!reader x toji ›› naoya x f!reader x megumi + toji ›› started: 1/12/24 : status: ongoing

‹𝟹 summary: You and Megumi are close friends. He invites you to his family's estate where you start to notice how bad your luck really is.

‹𝟹 fandom: jjk, jujutsu kaisen

‹𝟹 genres / warnings: au - no powers, college au, pseudo-incest (they all want y/n, not eachother), harsh language, abuse, power imbalance, dubious consent / rxpe / noncon

‹𝟹 tags: AGED UP CHARACTERS!, au - no deaths, au - toji and megumi are part of zenin clan still, power imblance, degradation, choking, loss of virginity, name calling, pet names, some fluff and LOTS OF SMUT, slight angst, all the zenins want you basically, vaginal, blow jobs, cunnilingus, face sitting, 4some, mdom, fsub, pseudo-incest, meet the family, breeding, cum as lube, cum swapping, light blood, aggressive choking, will update tags as more is added, praise, being called a good girl

‹𝟹 notes: this is a long time in the making. i probably started this fic over a month ago >< i've been working on it more than my lfls fic that i like more. just smthn abt naoya...... (usually i prefer naoya to be subby but this fic is diff oopsies :3!). lmk what y'all think.i'll be updating my other fic real soon but for now, crumbs of this i guess LOL. i was originally going to do a oneshot but it was already starting to get long and i hadn't even progressed much in the plot i have written up x-x so i figured i'd do 3 chaps since it's like the theme >:3 hope y'all like it!!!

i'll be updating tags as it progresses. i'm super excited abt this fic even tho it's like 99% smut. (idk how to write stuff w/o smut oops) what can i say??? 🤌

!! - again, PLEASE READ TAGS BEFORE CONTINUING - !!

! - ALL CHARACTERS ARE 18+ - !

Chapter 1: Exposed

“So, do you think you can make it?” Megumi asks, taking a sip of his coffee and looking at you inquisitively. “To my family event, the reunion thing, I mean.”

You hadn’t thought about it much. Sipping on your tea, you contemplated. You’ve never met Megumi’s extended family; you had no idea what they would be like. Megumi’s family is huge, and it would be a multi-day event held at their estate. “Oh, what the hell. I have nothing better to do during winter break anyways.”

His face lights up a bit at your confirmation, but Megumi tries his hardest to hide it. You can see the blush creeping across his nose, his cheeks, even reaching the tips of his ears. He was like a little puppy, excited to see you.

“Make sure to bring any nice clothes you want to wear, but there will be pajamas and toiletries provided to you.” He finished his drink and moved to throw his away. “Are you done too?”

You felt bad, you had a little bit of your tea left and he was patiently waiting for you to finish to throw your trash away for you. You hurriedly suck up the remainder of the tea through the straw, and hand him the empty cup. “Thanks, Megs.” You chirp.

Megumi blushes and looks away as he takes your cup from your hands.

--

You’re back at your house, frantically packing last minute before Megumi comes over to pick you up. You’ve always been an overpacker, and you have no idea what to expect. You throw all sorts of garments into a pile that you want to take: casual clothes like leggings and hoodies, dresses and formalwear, and intimates. You blush, picking up matching sets of underwear and bras. You decide to toss them onto the pile anyways, better prepared than not. You didn’t know who you were “preparing” for, but felt your cheeks flush anyways. I’m meeting my close friend’s extended party and I’m packing lingerie, am I a fucking creep? You shake your head, trying to shake the thoughts out too.

You finish stuffing your clothes into your bags, packing some makeup and skincare that they probably wouldn’t have available. Just as you finish zipping your second bag, you hear a loud knock on the front door. It’s Megumi.

You open the door with a soft smile, greeting Megumi. “Thanks for picking me up Megs! Can you help me with my other bag?”

He looks down to where you’re gesturing, noticing the other bag. “Jeez ____, it’s a 3 day party. How many clothes do you need?”

You blush, sheepishly. “I just want to be prepared… y’know?” Megumi huffs and groans before picking up both bags. A lady should never have to carry her own bags, and he noticed it seemed like you were struggling with how heavy these bags were, being packed to the absolute brim.

“T-thanks, Megs.” You croak out as you follow behind him to his car. He doesn’t reply, hoisting your bags in the trunk before slamming it shut. You open the door and sit in the passenger side, buckling your seatbelt with an audible click. He gets in shortly after you, adjusting his seatbelt and turning the car on. 

The silence is thick, but not awkward. You and Megumi were comfortable around each other, not requiring a word to be said as you sat in comfortable silence on the drive to his family’s estate. Your curiosity got the better of you, and you ask Megumi, breaking the silence, “So what are the plans for the event? How big is it going to be, anyways?”

Megumi answers you, not taking his eyes off the road. “It will have pretty much my entire family, extended family, and family friends. There’s lots to do at our estate, from the gardens, movie room, bar room, and more. As for planned events, music and lots of food, maybe dancing?” His tone ends questioningly, he knows his family isn’t particularly fond of frivolous activities like dancing, but there might still be some as more people loosen up.

You nod, taking in his answer. This sounds almost a little exciting. Much better than spending time holed up in your room, studying or watching youtube.

--

Megumi pulled up to the grandiose estate. “Wow Gumi, I knew your family was loaded…. But not THIS loaded,” You gasped in awe. The entire property was large enough to be a mini village. You were shocked, to say the least. The beautiful landscaping, trees, the koi pond that connected into a river surrounding the main building… it was all too beautiful.

“Yeah, they are wealthy on a whole different level,” he responds, as he pops the trunk and retrieves your bags. “Usually they have servants around, but I’ll show you around the estate myself instead.” He starts walking towards the front entrance, you follow him closely behind, not wanting to get lost.

Megumi doesn’t even have to open the door, servants inside let him in as soon as he approaches. He briskly walks along the pavilion, turning left towards a long corridor. You try to match pace, but his long legs gives him an advantage. You take this moment, a few paces behind Megumi, to admire his raven locks bouncing as he walked.

As you’re walking, you pass an entryway, seeing a few figures to your right. Someone clicks their tongue. “I see my cousin Megumi understands,” he starts, eyes following your figure as you walk past him, “that a woman’s place is three steps behind a man’s.” This mysterious man, related to Megumi, smirks as your figure disappears.

“Don’t listen to him. He’s so full of shit it’s festering,” Megumi spits out. He seems to really hate whoever that guy was. Megumi leads you to a room down a quiet corridor and opens the door. “This will be your room for the next few nights,” He announces as he enters the room and sets your bags down. “My room is on the other side of the estate. These are the guest rooms. We can check mine out later, if you’re interested.” He flushes at that last part, looking down and uncomfortably shifting his weight. “Anyways, I have to clean up before dinner in an hour. I’ll be back to see you soon.’

Megumi retreats from your room and closes the door behind him. You decide to unpack, putting things in the drawers and hanging some items in the closet. The room was quite spacious, with its own bathroom attached and adjacent to this room.

You haven’t finished unpacking yet but decided to take a quick shower just to freshen up. You scope out the bathroom and quickly shut the door behind you. Turning the shower on to a scalding hot temp, you wait for it to heat up as steam fills the bathroom. You strip and enter the shower.

--

He stalks the hallway you were walking through but a moment ago. He’s insanely curious as to what you look like up close, intrigued by your fleeting form as you walked by behind Megumi. He wondered if you were his toy, you following Megumi like a puppy definitely gave off that message.

He can still smell a lingering scent of citrus and flowers. He knows it’s you, because women of the clan are usually not permitted to walk this side of the estate anyways. He’s following your trail, like a predator following its prey. He sees the faint glow of light coming from the crack of a door and approaches it.

He knocks once. No response. He knocks twice. Still nothing. Naoya Zenin believed he was a gentleman, but he had his limits. This was his future estate, he believed he had every right to know every single thing going on under this roof.

He lets himself in, and immediately sees the cracked bathroom door, a bit of steam escaping. He hears you humming while taking a shower, and smirks. He silently closes the door, and makes his way towards your plush bed. He sees a bag open, clothes strewn about. Something frilly and lacy catches his eye, and he walks towards the table instead. He picks the article of clothing up, noticing he was holding a black thong, laces and bows, adorned with gems along the thin waistband. He licked his lips, unholy thoughts flooding his brain.

He hears you shut off the shower, and quickly pockets the garment, swiftly moving to sit on the edge of the bed. A few moments pass, and the door of the bathroom swings open. Steam floods your room, quickly dissipating. You have a towel wrapped around your body, still humming as you walk towards your pile of clothes. You had set a specific set on top to put on after your shower. You could have sworn the thong was there, but as you rummaged through your bag the garment was nowhere to be seen.

“Looking for these, little miss?” You gasp and turn around to see a man sitting on your bed, holding up your thong with 1 finger, while smirking and eyeing you down. You nearly drop your towel, but regain composure.

“Who are you?” You ask, unsure of why a strange man you’ve never seen before let himself into your room.

“My apologies, doll, I didn’t mean to scare you. My name is Naoya Zenin. I’m set to be the next heir of the clan and estate,” he smirks, “And I figured I should personally introduce myself to you. It would be impolite of me not to do so. Who are you?”

“I’m _____, Megumi’s friend. He invited me over to meet all his family.” His ears perked up at you mentioning your friendship with Megumi, a devious thought crossing. You were still in your towel, cold air further cooling your already wet skin.

“You didn’t answer my first question, little miss. Were you planning on wearing these?” He practically spins the panties around his finger, staring you down intently. “I didn’t think such a good girl would bring something like this to wear when meeting her friend’s family…” He trails off.

A blushes creeps along your face, you didn’t think someone would know. You didn’t think someone would barge into your room, look through your clothes, and tease you about it. You couldn’t even look Naoya in the eye, shame clearly on display on your features.

“Don’t worry, woman, I won’t tell anyone. You wouldn’t want your close friend, Megumi, to know about this right? I won’t tell; however, my silence has a price.” He finishes his comment, smirking at you. His sultry gaze was locked on you, scanning your body from head to toe. He grinned and licked his lips, thinking about how he could manipulate you.

“What do you mean?” You look up at him, confused and unsure about the situation. “What do I have to do?” At that question, Naoya lifts himself from your bed to make his way towards you. His gaze never once leaving yours, making intense eye contact that sent shivers down your spine and left you trembling. You felt like prey being stalked by a predator.

Naoya is right in front of you now, as he grabs both wrists with his hands and lifts them above your head. You’re startled but have no time to react as he pushes you against a wall, wrists pinned above you. You can feel Naoya’s hot breath tickling your cheek, making you lose all sense of rationality. He grins at you, looking down as he has you in a position you can’t easily free yourself from. Your head hangs low, looking down, trying to stifle your heavy breathing. You don’t want him to know his actions are affecting you.

“I know women are dumb, but seriously, how can you not know what I mean? At least you’re pretty….” He leaves his sentence unfinished, bringing a cold hand to your chin and tilting your head to look at him. “Little miss, I’ll explain it to you once, in an easy way to understand. I want to use you. Your body, specifically. Will you be a good girl and let me? Or do you want me to make you.” Naoya’s tone drops a bit, almost grunting at the end. Thoughts about what “using you” entails floods your mind. You’re inexperienced, but not entirely clueless. Your blush deepens as you look into his eyes, now peering down at you.

You didn’t think being degraded and praised in the span of a few seconds would entice you as much as it would. Normally you’re a very independent woman, fully capable of realizing your own dreams and pursuing your own goals. But something… something about being put down but also called a good girl sent you driving up the wall with insanity. You were hooked near instantly.

“Yes sir,” you meekly respond, looking up at Naoya. Your emotions and lust are on clear display for him, and he’s enjoying every second of it.

“Good girl.” He smirks. “Just to be clear, I have very specific tastes and like to be pleased in a certain way. Try and make me proud, you dumb whore.” Your cheeks flared red at the insult. “Open your mouth, cunt.”

You made no hesitation to fulfill his command. He still had a firm grip on your chin, leaning down as he spit into your mouth. “Swallow, princess.” He instructs as he pushes your mouth closed. You comply, feeling more heat pooling between your legs. “Good girl,” he purrs as you open your mouth to show him.

He leans back into you, lips crashing into yours. He nips at your bottom lip, drawing a tiny bit of blood as he goes back to kissing you. He can taste the blood mixed with both of your saliva as he forces his tongue into your mouth, trying to push his way into every part of you he can. His hand previously at your chin is moving down toward your neck, resting into a firm grip across your neck. You can still breathe, but the firm pressure while he’s sloppily kissing you elicits a few soft moans from you into his mouth. You can’t tell, but he’s grinning as his grip increases a bit. He pulls away before taunting you, “Do you like that? Huh? Are you a masochist or something?” He’s not relenting, grip strengthening as you’re looking up at him, tears beginning to form in your eyes.

You’re unable to speak, so you try to nod your head to show him that he’s right. He notices and loosens his grip before moving his hand towards your chest. “Good girl,” he praises you. “I like that.” He leaves kisses in a trail from your lips to your neck, kissing over the faint marks his hands left before. You’re still against the wall, hands above your head, and he released his other grip before picking you up and carrying you to your bed.

“Next time, I want to see you wear that slutty fucking lingerie you brought. You’re such a dirty girl.” He peers down at you as you’re left exposed on your bed. He’s crawling above you, pushing you into the mattress. He gives you a few impatient kisses before moving back to your chest, grabbing one of your breasts while his mouth moves to the other. His other hand is fervently roamed your body, moving down your tummy towards your hips and eventually resting on your thigh. His hands were soft but rough trailing along your skin, as if he was searching for something.

Naoya’s hand slips to your inner thigh, just shy of your exposed cunt. He lightly grips it as he starts leaving a trail of kisses down your body as he took his hand from your breast and pushed your thighs apart. He left love bites and marks as he made his way to your cunt, stopping to look up at you. He grinned as he spit on one of his fingers, prodding its way through your folds to find your clit. He’s been with many women, and although he has an arrogant attitude, he does know exactly how to please a woman.

He rubs circles around your clit as his mouth leaves a little bite mark against your inner thigh. You softly moan at the pain as Naoya’s eyes flick up to meet yours. Although you can’t see it, you’re sure he has that asshole smirk of his. Your suspicions are pretty much confirmed when he says “Are you some masochist? Some dumb bitch who likes to be hurt. For real?” You think you heard a laugh as he moved his finger down to your hole, spitting some more before he fucked you with a finger. You didn’t need any more lube, you were practically drenched. He pushed his finger in, feeling how tight your hole was with only one of his fingers.

“You have the tightest cunt I’ve ever felt. I’m impressed. Are you a virgin too?” He looked up at you, expecting an answer.

“Yeah..” You tried to hide your face with your hands, embarrassed at your lack of experience. Naoya saw it differently though. His cock twitched in his pants as you replied, and he started moving his finger inside your tight cunt. He loved hearing the little moans you make as he slipped his finger in and out, a lewd wet sound filling the room. He was trying to get you used to it, but he was getting impatient. He was already working harder for any woman he’s ever been with.

His mouth moved above your clit, tongue flicking around the sensitive bud as he slipped in another long finger into your hole. He curled and scissored his fingers, trying to stretch you as his fingers fucked you faster. Your face was flush with embarrassment as you still tried to contain some of your moans. One more finger slipped in, stretching your walls while he moved above you, face aligned with yours.

He kept fingering your cunt as he aggressively kissed you, biting your lip before he shoved his tongue into your mouth. You could feel yourself come closer to the edge, your core tightening. You were moaning into his mouth, arms wrapped around his neck pulling his body closer into yours.

“Fuck... Naoya…” you whined out as you felt the thread about to snap, “I’m gonna—cum!!” His fingers slammed into your cunt as he was leaving marks along your neck. You felt your walls tighten around his fingers as he expertly prepped your cunt for the main event.

“You’re such a good girl… I almost feel bad taking your virginity. Almost.” Naoya takes out his fingers, sucking on a few of them to taste you. He pushes one of his fingers into your mouth, commanding you to taste your own cunt.  “Next time I’ll taste you myself… but I can’t wait any longer,” he says as he’s taking off his shirt and pants, pulling down his briefs to expose his large cock. He moves up above you again, grabbing your legs by the ankle as his body is pushed against yours. He’s putting you in a mating press. He moves the tip to your entrance and spits on his cock before slowly pushing inside, feeling your tight walls around his girthy cock.

He gives you time to adjust, but it isn’t nearly enough. Naoya has been kind enough, but he always takes what he wants. Still, he will be nice one last time. “I’m gonna fuck you how I want to now, okay whore? You’re gonna be a good girl and take it anyways, right?” He gives you no time to prepare as he slams into you, bottoming out, forcibly deflowering you. The pain hurts, but Naoya is relentless. He pulls out and briefly gives you a moment of respite before slamming his cock back into your cunt. Despite the pain, the feeling is like never before as his body is pushed against yours, cock ramming in and out of your hole. Your cute moans are like music to his ears.

He leans down towards your face, seeming like he’s going to kiss you but instead spits on you. He moves a hand to grasp around your throat as you’re looking up at, unable to make any sound as his cock abuses your hole. The pressure and lack of air make your head feel dizzy as he spits again, degrading you. “You like that too, huh, stupid slut.” He hips pick up speed, pulling out before repeatedly bottoming out into your cunt. He lets go of your neck, allowing you to gasp for air. He would never admit it, but the sound of you struggling to breathe drives him insane.

He spits on his hand and moves it to your clit, fervently rubbing your bud, bringing you closer to your second orgasm of the night. You feel the waves of pleasure overwhelm your body as he’s raw dogging your cunt and relentlessly abusing your clit. Your moans are laced with pleasure, dripping with your ecstasy as you cum over Naoya’s cock, tightening your walls around him.

Naoya mercilessly fucks your virgin hole like he deserves it, like it’s owed to him. Whatever he wants, he gets. He’s grunting as moaning as he picks up speed, fucking you like an animal. “Hey bitch, ah fuck—I’m gonna cum in you. You’re gonna take it like a good girl alright?” He lightly slaps your face as he’s finishing his sentence, bottoming out for the last time before he slams back inside your cunt and paints your insides white. You can feel the warmth of his seed filling you; there’s so much of it that it leaks out, a lewd sight before Naoya as he looks down at where you’re both connected. Before he can pull out and clean himself, the door to the guest room slightly creaked open as if it had been left ajar, not fully closed. Naoya cursed himself for not closing and locking the door.

--

Megumi had been standing there for not even 5 minutes when he went to check on you and bring you to dinner. He was approaching your room when he heard faint moaning coming from your room.  He was confused and curious, stopping in front of your door as he noticed it was left slightly open. What he saw left him shocked and speechless, unable to move or avert his gaze through the crack.

He heard you more than he could see you clearly, but your moans that are more beautiful than a symphony of angels was more than enough to make Megumi’s cock strain in his pants. He peered closer, unable to see who was fucking you but still able to see your bodies colliding. He couldn’t deny how erotic it was to see you get fucked, but a twang of jealousy and pain struck his heart that he wasn’t the one making your body shake in pleasure.

He hears a voice, it sounds familiar although he can’t quite place it, telling you he’s about to cum. Megumi leans forward more, slightly pushing the door as he watches the other man breed you. Just as the door squeaks, the man’s head whips to see the door and he makes eye contact with Megumi.

--

“____, what are you doing?” Megumi questions as he practically stumbles into the room. You lift your head to see Megumi looking at you and Naoya in horror. Shame and embarrassment overcome you, and you move to cover yourself with some blankets as Naoya got off of you and faced Megumi,

“I think it’s more appropriate to ask what are you doing, Megumi?” Naoya’s staring daggers into Megumi; he’s unaffected that his family member caught him in a compromising position, almost as if he’s used to it.

“I was coming to get ___ for dinner… I didn’t realize she was busy being a disgusting fucking whore and sleeping with my family though.” He looks over to you, making eye contact as he sees tears form in the corners of your eyes. He doesn’t actually think you’re disgusting, quite the opposite in fact. But he’s so upset that someone else got to be with you first, and Naoya of all people. As if that scum deserved to be with someone like you.

Naoya could instantly tell what was going on here. He can read Megumi like a book, and smirks as he grabs fistfuls of your hair and pulls you against his chest to taunt Megumi. “Looks like you lost. This is why I’ve always been superior to you. You wanted this little slut, huh? Mad that I broke her in first, aren’t you?” His voice is laced with amusement as he provokes Megumi. He pulls your head to be almost level with his as he spits onto your face. “Your little friend is quite the slut, I had a lot of fun using her like the whore she is. She probably wouldn’t even mind if you joined in, isn’t that right bitch?”

Despite the predicament you were in, you couldn’t help but feel aroused at Naoya’s manhandling and suggestion of Megumi joining in. It had never crossed your mind, although Megumi is quite attractive, you didn’t think he was interested. You were only able to mutter out a small “yes” as you look over to Megumi, noticing the flush in his cheeks reaching all the way to the ends of his ears, and the straining bulge in his pants.

“I’m sorry, ___... Be good for me, please?” He was almost pleading as he was walking over to the bed, already starting to strip.

“You can hurt her and call her names, that dumb whore likes it.” Naoya says, moving aside to let Megumi have easier access to you. You’re still lying on your back, barely recovered from getting your guts rearranged only minutes before. Megumi stands in front of you before kneeling down to get at eye level with your cunt. Naoya hadn’t been able to get up since Megumi stumbled into the room; because of this, your womb was filled to the brim with Naoya’s hot cum leaking out of your small hole. Megumi’s eyes were immediately locked on at the lewd sight before him when he used both hands to grip your thighs and spread them apart.

He moved a slender finger past your leaking hole, scooping a bit of cum up with his fingers as he dragged his finger across your clit. The sharp inhale and moan you made sounded absolutely divine to Megumi, urging him to keep going. “Good girl…” he purrs, as he moves his long fingers down to your hole again, once again scooping another glob of cum. “Sit up, slut,” He commands as he stands up. You comply, not willing to play any games in a situation like this. He shoves his cum covered fingers into your mouth; you lap it up and suck his fingers without having to be told anything. Megumi grins. “Good girl, ____. Such a good girl.”

“I bet you like that, don’t you slut?” You hear Naoya’s remark from aside you, he’s watching all of this unfold right before him. Megumi takes his fingers out of your mouth, Naoya grips you with fistfuls of hair and forces you to look at him. “Answer me, bitch.” He glares at you intensely.

“Yes… yes sir… I do.” You try to look anywhere except him but Naoya isn’t having it.

“When men are speaking, you show them the respect they deserve. That means you answer clearly and fucking pay attention. Got it?” He tugs your head to face him, leaning in closer until he’s only a few inches from your face. “Open your mouth, bitch. And don’t swallow until I tell you to.” You comply and he spits into your mouth, before closing the gap and letting his lips crash into yours. He bites your lip, drawing blood. The metallic essence mixes with his spit before Naoya leans back and instructs you to swallow. It feels perverse and humiliating to admit that it turned you on.

Megumi dropped onto his knees again, this time pushing his slender fingers into your cunt. It feels different this time for you; he’s gentler as he stretches you open. He takes his time adding more fingers, taking in every moment and feeling.

“Let’s change the position, yeah Megumi?” Naoya says it more as a statement and less of a question as he’s already moving to rest on the bed against the wall, pillows propping him up. He pulls you away from Megumi while simultaneously flipping you onto your tummy. He pulls you into his lap, supporting your arms until you’re able to prop yourself up above his cock. One hand grips the back of your head and pulls you closer to his thick cock. He pulls you by your hair, aligning your mouth with the tip of his cock as he forcefully shoves your head down. You nearly gag, pushing against him as he tries to use your mouth. Despite your resistance, Naoya doesn’t seem to care and is chasing his own high using you to get him off. You take him into your mouth, inexperienced but trying to adjust quickly. Naoya gives you barely any time to try and settle within the rhythm he’s created. You basically gag on his cock every time he plunges it slightly deeper than the last, but this only enhances Naoya’s pleasure.

While Naoya’s aggressive use of your mouth is going on, Megumi is taking his time to explore you from behind. His fingers are touching every part of your body he can get to, settling on your ass that he starts to spread apart. He’s entranced by the glistening of your cunt in the light, lost in thought about how lewd you look taking Naoya’s cock while bent over for him like a full course meal. He’s done with his “inspection” and moves one of his slender fingers to your entrance. He slips it in easily, listening to you moan with a cock stuffed in your mouth. Naoya pushes your head down farther along his length, trying to hit the back of your throat. You try to control your breathing in time with his rhythm.

Megumi slips another finger inside, stretching your cunt. “Fuck, ____, I didn’t think you were this tight.” He groans as he starts fucking you with his fingers. The lewd sounds he forces out you vibrate around Naoya’s cock. His other hand is grabbing fistfuls of your hair, face fucking you harder as your dripping cunt takes another of Megumi’s fingers. Megumi picks up pace, bringing another hand to your clit to add extra stimulation, but mostly so he can see you writhe and squirm under him while trying to hold yourself up.

“Will you be a good girl for me and cum, ___?” Megumi coos, stringing you along with his praises. “You look like such a dirty girl right now, already about to cum with just my fingers. So cute.” He finger fucks you harder now, making lewd wet noises as his fingers slam back into your pussy. His other hand is toying with your clit, drawing circles and rubbing the little button to bring you closer to your ecstasy. You can feel the knot tightening in your stomach, feeling yourself be pushed over the edge with his fingers alone.

Naoya thrusts into your throat, choking you and momentarily leaving you without air as Megumi pushes you over the edge. You feel your cunt tighten around his fingers as the waves of pleasure wash over you, the lack of air adding to your heightened senses. You moan as you’re cumming, giving just enough sensation to Naoya for him to creampie your throat. His cum is being forced down your throat, yet there’s still so much that some leaks from the corners of your mouth as his cock is pushed against the back of your throat. He finally shows mercy and pulls out as you’re coming down from your high. You force yourself to as much as you can before gasping for air, panting as you trying to calm down again.

“You did a good job taking all of me, slut.” Naoya grins as he lifts your chin with one of his fingers, leaning down to give you a kiss as you share his cum in your mouth. You didn’t think he’d be into some perverted shit like that, yet he’s basically tongue fucking your mouth still full of his cum. He pulls away, a long string of saliva and cum still connecting you two.

Megumi watches you two, his cock throbbing so intensely it almost hurts. He wastes no time in pulling his pants and boxers down before spitting in his hand and lubing his cock up. He’s shuffling behind you, lining himself up with your cunt before he pushes in at full force, giving you no time to adjust to his monstrous cock. You let out a yelp, air evacuating your lungs at the surprise intrusion. He’s balls deep near instantly in your tight hole, stretching you open with a cock that is even girthier than Naoya’s.

Naoya is watching you, grinning, and lazily stroking his cock. You have no idea how he’s able to keep going for multiple rounds, only a little bit of time in between. But you don’t care. The man in front of you is irresistibly hot even though his attitude is garbage. You would do anything he asked no matter how degrading it is in hopes that he would manhandle you again. As these thoughts cross your mind, Megumi reels you back into reality as he pushes so deep into your womb you’re sure he probably bruised your cervix.

“Your pussy is amazing, sweetheart. You have no idea… hah.. how long I’ve been wanting this.” Megumi praises you, unable to control his breathy moans as he continues fucking you with full force. One of your arms is pulled to your side, Megumi interlocking fingers and holding your hand as he drills into you. Even in a situation like this, he can’t help but do some cute shit.

His other hand lightly smacks your ass as you whimper in pleasure, unable to hide the fact that you like it a little rough. Megumi lets go of your hand as you feel both his arms snake around your waist, pulling you up and against his chest as he fucks you. Your back is to his chest, on full display for Naoya in front of you. His shiteating grin is plastered on his face as he has a front row view of Megumi’s cock sliding in and out of you. He gets up from his seated position to face you. Megumi’s arms are still wrapped around your body, supporting you as he drills into your cunt. You can feel his breath against your neck and hear his soft whimpers in your ear. “You’re doing so well, slut. Such a good girl for me huh?” He whispers into your ear. His words send chills down your spine as he keeps ramming his cock into you, abusing your poor hole.

Naoya moves closer to you, his face only a few inches away from yours. He kisses you slowly, before aggressively trying to fill your mouth with his tongue. He pulls away, spits on your face, and lightly slaps your face. “You love taking your friend’s cock, huh? Didn’t think it would be that good, did you? Who knew you’d be the family’s fuckdoll.” He chuckles at his degrading joke, but you couldn’t help but internalize his words. You have no idea how you got to be in this situation, but you were definitely not complaining. Something about multiple men of the same family using you how they liked made your cunt drip at the mere thought of it.

Naoya moves his mouth to your neck, leaving little marks on your skin to prove he was there. Little bruises of his lust for you, marking your skin like you’re property. Megumi start pulling out with only the tip left inside, before bottoming out into your cunt. He groans beside you, lost in the addictive pleasure that is you. Megumi was no virgin, but he believed you were the best person he’s ever fucked, your body insanely attractive and your personality catching and reeling him, unable to resist you.

Naoya moves back before bringing a hand to your neck, gripping your throat and momentarily cutting off your oxygen. “Megumi… fuck this bitch harder when I choke her, okay? She fucking loves it.” And he wasn’t wrong, you did love it. He gripped your throat, a smirk planted on his features as he watched you helpless and at his mercy. Some drool started dripping out of your mouth and you could feel your vision starting to haze around the edges. Megumi fucked into you harder, pulling you closer to his body. Naoya let his grip loosen a bit around your throat, enough to allow some air to fill your lungs again.

“I’m close, baby. I’m gonna fill you up okay? Be a good girl and take all of it for me.” Megumi purrs beside you. Naoya takes this moment to strengthen the grip around your throat, cutting off your air. You feel Megumi’s speed pick up, him desperately chasing his orgasm. You can hear his staggered whimpers as he empties his load into your cunt, filling your already full womb even more. Naoya releases his hand from your throat, making you choke and gasp for air. He’s looking down at you with sadistic satisfaction as you struggle to catch your breath.

Megumi pulls out and lets go of your waist, and you plop down onto the bed absolutely fucked out. Naoya is quick to get off the bed and start dressing. He finishes so quickly it’s as if he was speedrunning it (he has done this many, many, MANY times before). He gives you a quick peck on the lips and gently rubs your cheek before starting to walk towards the door. “See you soon, slut,” he says as he walks out, closing the door behind him this time. Megumi returns with a clean towel, gently cleaning you up as you just lay their like a limp fish.

“You did so well for me. Thank you,” he says as he kisses your cheeks and then your lips before pulling away and picking up some clothes for you. He tosses you a simple outfit to wear and begins dressing himself as well. “Ready for dinner? You’re gonna meet the rest of my family now.” You nod your head yes, anticipating who else you’re going to meet.

--

‹𝟹 notes: this was originally suppsed to be a oneshot, but i felt like it was getting too long. i have plans for all of them and wasn't going to be able to execute it in just a oneshot. let me know what y'all think!

feedback is always appreciated!! thank you all!!!

ch 2 (soon)

‹𝟹 notifs: @vvxxccaa @arylaa @starshipxoxo

ʚ join my notifs ɞ

(･ω･)つ divider creds to @/cafekitsune and @/eloquentreverie

[messedupfan]

The Hope of a Free World: The Tribute

Summary: In this version of the story, you were the one chosen to go into the Hunger Games to help carry out the plan.

A/n: So a little explanation here. You do not have to read both "The Mentor" and "The Tribute" but you do have to read "The Setup." This is sort of my version of a Choose Your Own Adventure because I saw this going both ways when the request was made. You are absolutely welcome to read both versions of the story, but thought I'd let y'all know that you don't have to. I also forgot to warn y'all before but I'm a huge Everlark fan. If you stan Everthorne, not the fic for you.

Warnings: Violence, mentions of suicide, alcoholism, drug abuse, mentions of forced prostitution, rebellion, mentions of torture.

Masterlist | The Prologue | All Stories Taglist

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When the announcement of the Third Quarter Quell declared that the tributes would be pulled from the existing pool of victors, you were itching for a drink. No, you were itching for the drug you take when you have to entertain a client you don’t like. You wanted to feel numb. You didn’t want to think about having to experience the anxiety of a reaping once again. You’ve only been a victor for four years. It wasn’t fair. This wasn’t supposed to happen. 

You had tuned in only to vote on the dress for Katniss Everdeen to wear for her upcoming nuptials. Not to find out that you have a chance at dying in the arena again.

You don’t alter your mind to escape the harsh realities. As much as you want to. You made promises to take better care of yourself. Especially after almost revealing your secrets to the wrong person while in a drunken stupor. As soon as the broadcast is over, Finnick storms into your house and pulls you out. You can hear Annie’s cries from the house they shared. It was the only home in the Victor’s Village that had all of its hidden recording devices removed. He threw you on the couch as he began to pull on his hair and mutter to himself. “Mags,” he left and returned with the older woman a few minutes later. That was everyone he could trust in the district. 

Finnick doesn’t say anything coherent at first, mostly muttering to himself as his girlfriend is hysterical. He gives Annie a heavy dose of sleep syrup and he carries her to bed when it kicks in. “It’s better if she remains in the dark,” he says as he sits in front of you and Mags. She was a sweet woman, she didn’t deserve this unfair ruling for the Games either. She shouldn’t have to go through a reaping. “Mags already knows this but I haven’t been transparent with you about the rebellion. This is happening because we’re trying to free the districts.” 

“How do you plan to do that from inside the arena? Do you realize how unfair this is for those teenagers that won last year? They just got out!” You stand up, upset on their behalf. “Katniss is the only female tribute for that district! Did the rebels think about that when deciding to throw us back in there?” 

“We decided that it was in everyone's best interest that she returned to the Games,” Finnick stated calmly. 

“I find it hard to believe that girl agreed to that,” you scoffed with a scowl. 

“She doesn’t know anything about the rebellion,” he admits. “She doesn't know about any of this and for her safety, it's best that she doesn't.” 

You shake your head. You don't understand how knowing nothing keeps people safe. It looks like it's putting people in dangerously compromising positions. “Like you said I was better off I don't know anything either! Why are you even telling me about this?” 

“Sit down,” Mags demands and even with how fired up you are, you do as she says. She hardly ever demanded anything, so you respect when she does. “Listen,” she points to Finnick and with a huff, you nod. 

“I'm telling you this because I need you to be the one to go into the Games. Mags will go in as well because she is loved by so many.” Finnick maintains eye contact with you as he tells you the plan and the reason. “People in the Capitol don't care about random tributes because they don't know them. They don't see them as people until they win. They think they know us. They claim to love us. Well, we're going to make them question everything.” 

“I still don't think it's fair for Katniss and Peeta. They have worked too hard to just be thrown back in.” You shake your head. 

“You don't get it,” Finnick says as he leans closer. “Katniss is the face of this thing. What she did with those berries was inspiring. The Capitol tried to trick her and she refused to play that game. She has to be put back in there. We're hoping that Peeta doesn't land in there again, but according to Haymitch that boy is going to be determined to go. He says it's up to Effie for that one.” 

“Is Effie a part of it too?” You ask. Finnick shakes his head. “But Haymitch is,” you ask as you try to put the prices together. He nods. “Why do you want me to go into the arena?” 

“We are going to need your help to get them out of the arena. I was going to do it but with Annie… I can't risk her getting caught by Snow. I know how to get us out of there.” Finnick says with pleading eyes. 

You nod in understanding. “I have people I care about too,” you remind him. 

“Don't worry about Wanda. She can handle herself,” he says vaguely. You don't say it, but that confirmed your suspicion that she was part of it. You couldn't believe it. There really was a rebellion. The only question was whether or not you were willing to risk your life for the cause. You look at sweet old Mags, who has already committed to the cause. There was no guarantee she'll survive long enough to see the plan through. She had to have known that. This woman possibly only had a few more good years in her and the fact that was willing to sacrifice that, helped you make your decision. 

“I'm in,” you state. 

At the reaping you stood tall and confident as you think about the last night you spent with Wanda. It wasn’t an easy arrangement, as many of your clients were hoping for a last visit with you, but she was able to get you to the Capitol a few weeks before the reaping. After that night with Finnick, the two of you trained together everyday leading up to the reaping. The pair of you were already in shape but it had been ten years since Finnick was in the Games. Neither of you has had to fight since your respective times in the arena. He might not be going into the Games but he was going to need to be ready to fight when he officially became a soldier for District 13. Your head nearly spun off your neck when he confirmed that the district was alive and well. 

“Y/n Y/l/n,” the escort, Dove, reads solemnly. She had been the district's escort for the past four years, you were her only victor and the two of you had respect for each other. You stood forward, no one was going to volunteer in your place. You knew that.

“Annie Cresta,” despite knowing the plan, it shook you to your core to hear her name being called again. She had already had major setbacks since the announcement. You can't imagine what this is going to do for her. Mags promptly volunteers in her place and the three of you are off to the Capitol to prepare for the Games. 

“3… 2… 1!” As soon as the gun goes off, you jump in the water and swim to the center of the arena. You climb onto the platform and grab a trident as fast as you can. But as you do so, Katniss has an arrow pointed at you. 

You hold up your wrist to show her the bracelet of golden flames. “It's a good thing we're allies, right?” You state with a smirk. You were reluctant when they brought you the bracelet. You didn't want to go in there without your medallion but when Finnick offered to give it to Wanda, you felt more comfortable going in with the bracelet. You did after all have to gain Katniss's trust. 

She scowls at you, not dropping the arrow pointed at your chest. “Where did you get that?”

“Where do you think?” Flash from District 5 comes up behind her. “Duck,” you warn her before throwing your trident at the jerk that used to make crude comments about Wanda. You couldn't do anything about it at the time. But you weren't going to be haunted by this death. You gave Katniss directions to find Peeta and Mags as you pulled your weapon out of the body and tossed him into the water. Looking around the arena, you tried to find the tree that Finnick stressed to you how important it was. It was difficult to know which tree he was talking about because the first part of your task being difficult enough. You swear that Snow might’ve offered extra incentives and put a target on Katniss and Peeta.   

Even with the poison fog that took Mags life and the killer monkey’s that nearly killed you and the assets, you didn't regret agreeing to put yourself in this unpredictable hell hole until the jabberjay hour. You followed Katniss when she heard her sister screaming for her to make sure that she never left your sight. The both of you were relieved for a split second seeing that it was only the bird. But the history of the bird caused your heart to drop as soon as you heard Wanda crying out for you. No. How could he know? 

“Wanda!” You couldn't stop yourself from calling out to her in fear that she was dumped in the arena or worse. 

“Y/n, it's just a jabberjay! It's not real,” Katniss tried to remind you in your panic. 

“Jabberjays copy, Katniss!” You shouted back at her as you kept your eyes in the sky. “Where do you think they got that sound?” More birds appeared. More voices calling out to her than for you. For you it started with Wanda then Annie was added as well as Finnick. For an hour, you and Katniss sat together hearing tortured cries of loved ones trying to convince yourselves it wasn't real. Peeta sat desperately on the other side of the forcefield trying to ground Katniss to reality. 

When it was over, you sat in the water to comfort yourself. It was something you were used to doing back in District 4. You needed to get out of there. You were done playing these games. You needed to be in Wanda's arms, not in here babysitting. 

The plan was difficult to execute when the time came because Katniss and Peeta still didn’t trust you or Johanna. Granted, separating the two so close to the end did seem a little suspicious. But neither of them knew that they needed to have their trackers cut out and there wasn’t a way to tell them. You and Johanna knew what had to be done. You should have been prepared for Peeta to run when heard a cannon go off. Despite trying to convince him that it wasn’t a cannon for Kantinss. Peeta ran away from you before you could cut out his tracker. You looked at Beetee for too long to make the decision to run after the boy because by the time you started chasing him, it was already too late. He was gone. “Shit,” you hissed under your breath. 

You kept on searching for him but it was difficult in the dark. It was too close to midnight and if Beetee was able to fry the system on time, you needed to make sure Peeta was untraceable to the Capitol. When you couldn't find him you started to look for Johanna and Katniss in the hopes that he found them. In the time you’ve gotten to know him, it was abundantly clear to you how much he truly loved Katniss. You thought the puppy love was cute until it disrupted the plan.

“Johanna!” You shouted into the jungle but you were met with silence. So you kept running. But the arena was still active and you didn't want to end up stuck in the wrong hour. You needed to be close to the lightning tree. So you made your way back. Hoping that the rest of them were there as the agreement was to meet back at the tree. 

They needed to be there. 

Instead, you only found Katniss with her bow drawn. This was not going according to plan. Thunder began to warm the arena that the lightning was about to strike the tree they had wrapped with a wire. The fake plan was they were going to use it to electricute the other tributes by putting one end of the wire in the water. So that when the lightning struck the tree, the electricity would run through and kill anyone that was on the beach or hiding in the water. The real plan was that Beetee was supposed to throw a spear into the forcefield that kept everyone trapped in the arena and destroy it. Giving the rebels enough time to rescue the tributes inside. 

“Remember who the real enemy is!” You shout as Katniss still holds her aim at you. Haymitch told you to say that to her just in case she tried to kill you. He claimed it would help. You can't tell from the distance but Katniss develops a plan herself as she quickly wraps the wire around her arrow as lightning starts to shine from the thunder clouds. You're about to warn Katniss to get away from the tree when Peeta tackles you from behind. 

The lightning struck the tree as she let the arrow fly and you wrestled with Peeta. With a knife you tried to take the tracker out of his arm but the blast caused him to fly backwards. He had hit you pretty hard when you were beneath him. It made you dizzy when you tried to walk and find him. Pieces of the arena came crashing down making it impossible to get to him safely. You had to accept your failure in the mission as you cut out your own tracker. You screamed in agony as you dug out the small piece of technology and crushed it between two rocks. You breathed a sigh of relief when you saw the unmarked hovercraft come in to collect everyone. You made your way closer to where Katniss laid to ensure your rescue. 

That’s when a branch broke off and knocked you to the ground. 

The actual revolution was slow moving because the face of the rebellion was indisposed. Being traumatized by arena’s one after the other had a major part in why she would scream in the middle of the night. Finding out about her home district being completely obliterated because of her actions, weighed heavy on her shoulders. It didn’t help that Johanna hit her so hard in the head with the coil of wire befe she removed the girl’s tracker. Knowing Johanna she would probably claim it was the only way but you also knew that she found Katniss irritating. Johanna is not one to give up an opportunity when it presents itself. Unfortunately, that gave Katniss the ability to constantly be heavily medicated in order to heal. The medications had side effects. One of them being hallucinations. You knew because you had to deal with it yourself in the first few months after being rescued. 

The only bright side of it all was that you had been successful in acquiring both assets. So at night when Katniss would scream her head off and disrupt everyone’s sleep, it was Peeta who was the only person that had been able to get her to stop. He would sneak out of his room and slip into hers. After a few minutes, the only sounds that would be heard throughout the infirmary were the steady beats of the heart monitors. He always snuck back into his room before the hospital staff did their morning rounds. 

You were envious of them. Not everyone that needed to make it out did. For the arena, Johanna as well as a few of the other remaining tributes had been taken by the Capitol. You could only imagine what they were doing to her there. Whatever it was, she didn’t deserve it. Outside of the arena, the list of those that couldn’t escape was worse. They captured Wanda. 

The way Finnick explained it, someone must have tipped off the Peacekeepers about their plans to escape. A swarm of white armor came after them and Finnick and Haymitch wouldn’t have made it out were it not for her sacrifice. She held the Peacekeepers off of them long enough for them to get out. Neither of the men could confirm whether or not she was still alive. Last you heard, the Capitol spies they still had didn’t have an answer either. 

You hoped that they would show her on a broadcast the way they showed Johanna a couple of times. Wanda was a popular interviewer. Not as popular as Caesar Flickerman, but she was popular enough to make a comfortable living. Popular enough that her disappearance wouldn’t go unnoticed. All you could do was hope that they would broadcast her at some point.

As much as you wanted to hate Finnick for losing her in the midst of the escape, you couldn’t. Annie was amongst those captured by the Capitol. He went a little mad when he got the news. He was also in the infirmary because of a failed suicide attempt. You didn’t think his mental state was that bad until you heard his screams, begging the doctors to let him die.

When you finally got well enough to walk around and move out of the infirmary, you still spent a lot of time there. It started with visiting Finnick, tying knots together. He was only allowed a short rope to prevent him from hanging himself with it. He only spoke once to let you know, “I wish they were dead. Annie and Wanda. And I wish we were too.” You couldn’t disagree. Anything was better than the mental torment of not knowing what is happening to them. Of not being able to protect them from the horrors. 

Instead of allowing the mental images keep you down and eat you alive, you use it as a motivator. The second you were cleared for training, you worked ten times harder than everyone there. It wasn’t a difficult adjustment because your father had you enrolled in the Hunger Games training academy when you were eight years old. It was intensive training. In fact you found the District 13 military training to be light work comparativly. Which allowed you to excel. While your fellow victors wasted away in the infirmary, you got stronger and better. Because if your Wanda is dead, you weren’t going to let her death be in vain. You were going to make certain that it meant something. 

Eventually, you got fed up waiting for Katniss and Peeta to get over themselves and get to work so you started to visit with them when you weren’t training. Which was difficult at first. Every morning there was a strict schedule printed on your forearm. Every minute was accounted for in the day. It wasn’t until you had a chat with Haymitch and Plutarch that you were able to get time allotted for the visitations in exchange for filming propaganda, or propos as Plutarch nicknamed them, and getting the Mockingjay out of the infirmary. 

They wanted you to focus on Peeta first. Haymitch said he was the one out of the two that was easier to work with. That he would be more willing to help with the cause. Outside of his low list of injuries, Peeta had it pretty rough. Unlike Katniss, his parents and his brothers didn’t make it out of District 12 in time. Leaving him orphaned. He was wallowing in his grief for longer than you think he should have. The only time he ever got out of bed was when Katniss needed him at that’s it. You were frustrated as you tried to redirect his sorrow into a fire that will burn down the Capitol and all of its corruption. You understood his pain better than most. But he needed to understand why he needed to get to work so that the person responsible for his losses can be held accountable. But it was clear there was something, or more accurately someone, that could snap him into action. 

Katniss was also a piece of work in your opinion. The first time you tried to talk to her about attending a strategy meeting, she had you removed from her room. You knew that you couldn’t convince her by treating her like a fish when using a spear. You had to be more patient. You had to think of it as waiting for a fish to get caught on your hook. But patience was difficult when is came to Katniss. She didn’t have the same excuses that Peeta used. She had her sister, her mother, and the boy that was publicly known as her cousin. Unless the rumors of District 12 having an incest problem are true, you don’t believe that he is her cousin with the way you’ve seen him moon over her. There are rumors that she is conflicted between the two and you don’t know why she wastes time fooling herself into thinking she can’t choose between him and Peeta. 

You’ve gotten to know Gale a bit in training and because you live in the corridor where unmarried individuals are given living quarters, you have seen him slipping out of girls' rooms most nights. He might have feelings for the girl on fire, but he definitely isn’t waiting around for her to commit to him. You were team Peeta all the way, you liked the baker better than the hunter. He was much kinder. Plus, you and Gale tended to butt heads a lot when you started to visit Katniss because of what you know about him. 

One incident in particular secured your low opinion of him. You were visiting Katniss during the lunch hour. You had her tray of food along with yours because you intercepted it from the nurse that was supposed to bring it to her. 

“You have to make a choice, Katniss. Him or me?” Gale demanded. The poor girl was pulling on her hair when you pressed the button to open the door. “Do you mind? We’re having a-”

“You’re done here,” you said in a firm tone as you stood tall. Gale’s frown deepened as he continued to glare at you. “It’s not a request, it’s an order.” Gale knew that you outranked him and since he had just been demoted – he prevented Commander Boggs from stopping Katniss from storming out of the first meeting she attended – he knew he couldn’t push his boundaries with you. He didn’t even possess a communicuff anymore. 

With a heavy sigh, he glanced at you and then Katniss before he stormed out. You whistled, “That guy is a piece of work.” You set her tray on the table that hovered over her bed when positioned properly. The meals had no flavor but they were nutritious and filling. Designed to keep their citizens, or soldiers as you referred to them, healthy. It wasn’t great but it was still better than what the Capitol ever did for its districts. 

“He saved my family,” she muttered as she sat up to eat her meal. You scoffed. 

“Katniss, I protected your life the entire time we were in the arena,” you started, “Are you in love with me?” She chewed her food slowly before she silently shook her head. You’re surprised that she actually had to think about it. Teenagers, you thought to yourself as you got situated in your seat to start eating with her. “Hell, I gave Peeta mouth to mouth and saved his life. Has he come in here in the middle of the night and told you that he was confused about me?” You asked and didn’t miss when her cheeks flushed. Even through everything, she still had a purity to her. You’re happy that Snow never got the chance to rob her of that. 

“No,” she whispered. 

“There you go,” you stated and sat back and reflected for a moment before continuing. “You don’t owe me or anybody else anything, Katniss. I hope you know that.” She stared directly at you for a bit after you said that. It was the first time you really got to see how young she was. You knew she was young but through all of her brave actions and the makeup they caked onto her for interviews, you couldn’t really see it. No one could. That was part of the problem with the Hunger Games and the Capitol lifestyle. “Eat before your slop gets cold,” you pointed at her tray with your spork. “Trust me, you think it’s bad warm. You don’t want to have it cold.” 

She moves the food around before taking another bite. “I want to hunt,” it was the first time she expressed something you could use. 

“Tell you what,” you said as you finished your food. “You pass your health exams and I will personally arrange a hunting day for you. But I don’t think they will let you keep the game.” 

She shrugged, “I don’t mind that. I think it’ll be good to do something.”

“It’s a deal then,” you said while collecting her empty tray. You held your free hand out to her and she shook it. That began the small tradition of the two of you making small deals with each other each day. The both of you always fulfilled your promises to each other. She moved out of the infirmary at the end of the next week and into the living quarters with her mom and sister. In the middle of the week after, you arranged for her and Peeta to visit District 12. To remind them who the real enemy was. 

You opted to stay in the hovercraft in the air. Gale did the same, unfortunately. He kept trying to join her but she’d put him in his place. You were proud. Katniss came back from her mansion with, amongst other belongings, an ugly cat that she claimed was the apple of her sister's eye. You encouraged her to make her own demands with President Coin when she asked you if it will be a problem to have Buttercup with them in 13. 

Which she did. She included immunity for those captured by the Capitol and you thanked her after the announcement with a visit with Beetee. She had no idea what she did for you with that condition. In the lab, Beetee presented her with a special bow designed for her along with a small selection of special arrows. One type lights with flames and catches its target on fire. Another was explosive. And lastly, there were arrows that were charged with an electric current strong enough to give its victim a heart attack no matter where the arrow pierced them. She only needed the plain ones to hunt. 

Your propos were still the only ones being broadcast but they weren’t nearly as inspiring or as exciting as Katniss could be with the right motivation. However, they seemed to cause enough of a stir that after helping Katniss deliver a couple of heavy elks to the kitchen, you finally see Wanda on the screen for the first time in months. She’s alive, was your first thought. 

Your heart nearly stopped at the sight. She was skinnier than before. She looked as though she hadn’t slept in weeks. She had on her vibrant red wig and heavy makeup as well as a ridiculous outfit. Something she’d never have as part of her wardrobe. You went from sharing a laugh with Katniss to nearly falling to your knees in front of one of the many screens airing the interview with, “Wanda.” You said in a broken whisper.

Katniss’s eyes stopped mid roll as she realized that the woman on the screen wasn’t just Wanda Maximoff, gossip journalist that once asked her if she was popular with the boys back home. But she was the Wanda. Your Wanda. You shook your head. Hoping that it was just a hallucination. It couldn’t be real. If she was dead that meant she wasn’t being tortured. 

“Ms. Maximoff, you had quite the reputation here in the Capitol. Why risk it for something so frivolous?” Caesar asked as the camera cut to him. He looked clean and healthy, with a new dye job. It was infuriating.

“It wasn’t… I wasn’t…” she fiddled with cards in her hands and you braced yourself for the lies she was about to be forced to say. Off camera, Caesar quietly implored Wanda to continue. “I um. My emotions, they were,” tears gathered in her eyes. She was a stubborn and strong willed woman. She hated the person she had to be for entertainment. “Y/n,” she squeaked your name out. “They made me believe that we could be together. If I… If, if we…” 

“They deceived you,” Caesar tried to help her get through the script. 

Wanda shook her head ever so slightly, no one but you would be able to catch it. “Yes,” her voice was so quiet even the microphones couldn’t catch it. Caesar has her repeat herself. “Yes, I was deceived. Y/n made me believe they loved me even though they, they,” she got stuck, she couldn’t continue with the lie but for her safety, you knew she had to. You willed her to continue. “They would have relations with other people in the Capitol.” You shut your eyes tight, knowing how much she hated what Snow forced you to do.

Caesar hummed and you wanted to smash the screen in. He was one of the worst kinds of clients. He was greedy and had the strangest fetishes and kinks. It made you sick to look at him. “I see, and do you think they tried to con their other lovers into starting a revolution with them?” You scoffed, none of it was your idea in the first place. They were painting a picture as if you came up with the whole thing. 

Wanda took a deep breath and sighed through her nose. Then you saw it, she still had your medallion. It was around her neck, slightly hidden by the excessive fabrics on her dress. “I wouldn’t know,” her voice cracked. She cleared her throat and lifted her head. “I don’t think I knew them as well as I thought I did.” 

Caesar nodded, “Yes, I think we all feel that way, Wanda. I am so sorry to see you like this. You are a dear friend of mine.” His fake sincere act had you fuming. But all you could do was stand there and watch. Your worst nightmares had come to life. Seeing Wanda in pain and not being able to do a damn thing about it. “I believe you have a message for those in the districts.” Wanda nodded as she flipped through her cards. “For those who are confused by the lies that the rebels are telling. Please, speak about the generosity of the Capitol.” 

“I would um, I would like to say.” She cleared her throat again and looked into the camera. The life in her green eyes looked as though it had been sucked out. It pained you to see it. “I know that many of you might see me as a joke. That was my job. I have kept you entertained for years. You’ve brought me into your homes every day for an hour. You know my face. You know my voice. And I need you to hear me when I say,” a lost expression crossed her features for a moment. “When I say,” you shook your head as you recognized the defiance entering her eyes. You wanted her to stick to her cards. To read whatever they had written for her. “Keep on fighting until we are free!” 

There was a lot of commotion as they tried to shut the camera’s down and remove Wanda from the room. But she fought against them in an attempt to say more. Unfortunately, before she could, a Peacekeeper hit her with the butt of their rifle and knocked her out cold. 

“I have to get her out of there,” you muttered once the screen went black. You stormed out of the mess hall and Katniss followed you to talk you out of doing something stupid. But she wasn’t sure what she could say. She had her people. She didn’t know what it was like to be in your shoes. What it was like to watch the person you loved be badgered into lying about your character. About the love the two of you shared. Only to watch her possibly lose her life for the benefit of the cause. 

You weren’t the one to convince them to start a rescue mission for Wanda and the other hostages. It was Katniss and Peeta who stepped up to negotiate terms with President Coin and Commander Boggs. It started with making propos with them. Peeta was phenomenal. Katniss however… She needed a lot more help. At a certain point, Plutarch got fed up and settled for having just you and Peeta. Unfortunately, as much as the messages from you and Peeta might’ve gotten people out of bed in the morning, it wasn’t enough to get them to fight. To remind the people of Panem who the real enemy is. Haymitch was the one who pitched for the show ponies to be taken out into the field. President Coin was opposed to it but the former drunk was able to convince everyone else which allowed Commander Boggs to agree to a mission. 

In the outskirts of District 8 where they have an old warehouse is where they brought the three of you. Along with a twom man camera crew and their director, Cressida. Her assistant. Boggs. And much to your dismay, Gale. Katniss was surrounded the entire way inside of the old warehouse. No one saw her until you, Gale, and Boggs moved out of the way. Her and Peeta stood tall together. Gasps filled the building filled with injured unarmed men, women, and children. This was the first official citing of the Mockingjay. Kids ran up to hug her. Severely injured were wheeled up close to get a look at her. You could see that Katniss needed that visit as much as any of the people there. Someone asked about the baby. In the midst of everything, you had forgotten about the claim Peeta made the night before the Quell. 

You looked at him as Katniss said she lost the baby. Her voice cracking was convincing. Peeta cast his eyes down with a deep frown and you began to grow curious. Originally, you thought that it was a lie. In fact, you felt like you had to keep reminding her about her “condition” in the arena. But in that moment you questioned how much of their story was an act. Not much time could be spent there as everyone was alerted of hovercrafts appearing. The focus was to get the victors out of there. But you wanted to stay and fight. Katniss and Peeta did as well. Gale was just as ready as anyone. Commander Boggs had lost authority as soon as the hovercrafts became visible with the Capitol emblems painted on them. Katniss finally got to test out her explosive arrows. You and Peeta were in a separate area together, shooting at the aircrafts to try and redirect their attention from the makeshift hospital. Unfortunately, that appeared to be their goal. Not you. Not Peeta. Not even Katniss. 

Despite the team's efforts, those lives were lost.  Katniss gave a harrowing speech stating, “If we burn, you burn with us!” Plutarch almost crapped his pants when the footage came together for the propo. People were inspired. But Katniss suffered the losses the hardest. 

The two of you sat together in silence as she hid in your room from all of the commotion. People had been dropping off gifts at her family’s living quarters. Peeta was moved in with them once he had gotten a clean bill of health since they were technically married. Lie or not. President Coin was not going to allow questions of their credibility. “Was there really a baby?” You asked. Katniss shook her head. 

“No,” she stated. “Peeta and I never,” she couldn’t finish the sentence as she blushed redder than Wanda’s wig. 

“What about you and grumpy?” You poked fun, it was just too easy to get her flustered. You were met with a glare so you held your hands up in surrender. There was another long stretch of silence before you got curious. “The secret wedding wasn't real either, right?” 

Katniss nodded, “All Peeta's ideas.” She cracked a smile as she looked at the wall of cement in front of her. “After, when we were back in the penthouse, he asked if he needed to apologize. I told him no.” You could tell she did care about Peeta a lot. When you had to save Peeta's life, you knew you misjudged her. But you can't help but feel a bit jealous that she has him here and you are without your Wanda. You are certain about your Wanda. 

“How's the fake married life treating you?” You asked teasingly to keep a playful energy instead of wallowing in your self pity. 

Katniss rolled her eyes and shook her head. She didn’t answer for a long moment. Then she sighed and said, “Not too bad actually.” She didn’t give any details because what she and Peeta do in private she holds sacred. You could understand because you’ve never shared stories about your time with Wanda. Not that anyone would have asked. 

The day you finally got reunited with Wanda was a bittersweet moment. She jumped into your arms as soon as she saw you running towards her. You kissed her and wanted to hold her tight but you were careful. She was thin, with cuts and bruises all over her face and body. Her right arm was crooked, like it had been broken and it didn’t heal properly. You didn't want to think about what they did to her but the evidence was all over her. You kissed her as you promised that you’d make all of them pay. She asked you to marry her. 

You said yes. 

Annie and Finnick were reunited as well. You hadn’t been able to visit with him much when you centered your focus on Katniss and Peeta but he looked healthy and he was steady enough to hold Annie in his arms. 

Johanna was amongst those that were rescued. There was no one to run to her. So you, Finnick, Katniss, and Peeta all made a point to welcome her. She flipped everyone off then pressed a button that administered morphine. She closed her eyes and fell asleep, everyone had to awkwardly shuffle out of the room. 

Gale was amongst the soldiers that volunteered and were approved to go on the rescue mission. You tried to go but Katniss and Peeta were tasked to keep you busy until the team had already left. You felt betrayed by the both of them but it was nice to have them by your side as you anxiously waited. 

With Wanda in District 13, you wanted to ignore your schedule and spend all of your time with her, but you couldn't. You had to keep your status if you were going to go to the Capitol and kill the Peacekeepers that did this to her. You wanted the pleasure of ending Snow's life yourself but it was obvious that there was a plan for the Mockingjay to have the honors. 

Wanda had to undergo surgeries to correct and help her injuries heal properly.  So it wasn’t like she was waiting for you in her room. While she was in surgery, you were in training. At night, you slept in a cot that Prim snuck into the room for you. She said that she owed you for bringing her sister not only out of the arena but back to herself. You shook her hand and declared that both of you were even. 

You were the first to mention to the people in the command room of your engagement and even offered to have the wedding televised on the condition that Annie and Finnick could have a private wedding. They deserved to continue to live in peace. Finnick hadn't made a public appearance since being in District 13 and Annie didn't need to be used as a pawn in these games anymore. Wanda was the one to suggest the wedding. She wanted to show Snow that nothing was going to get you, her, or this revolution down. 

The news of the wedding spread like a wildfire. The revolution has been so daunting that the citizens welcomed the chance to celebrate something. People would whisper in your presence and you had to awkwardly nod your way through the cafeteria as you picked up your meals before walking it to the infirmary to have the meal with Wanda. 

She blew you away with her strength. 

The first time she walked into the cafeteria, a man that was walking to a table dropped his tray off at the nearest one and ran towards her. You stood in front of her to protect her but she moved you and met him halfway. “Pietro!” She shouted with joy. You felt bad as you had forgotten about her twin brother. She'd tell you stories about him whenever the two of you took a stroll together. She told you once that he'd gotten himself in a lot of trouble with the government and the price to bail him out was too high. 

Luckily, because of her minor celebrity and her family’s status in the Capitol, she was able to barter to save him from becoming an Avox. Instead, he was forced to serve as a Peacekeeper in District 12. He was ranked pretty high in District 13 on arrival, not only for his experience as a Peacekeeper but because he helped Gale get people out of 12. You couldn't believe that you had been training with him for months and neither of you had said a word about Wanda. It was probably for the best at the end of the day. Neither of you needed to distract one another with the fears and grief. 

The three of you found somewhere to sit together and you let the twins get to catch up with each other. They were separated from each other for years. You were planning on spending the rest of your life with her, you were more than happy to third wheel the meal. 

On the day of the wedding, Katniss let it slip that Peeta had a surprise cake he’d been working on for you. She was helping you get ready because you'd asked her to be part of the wedding. You would have asked Finnick if he wasn't getting married as well and if he wasn't in hiding. At that point in the revolution, his disappearance was being used as a motivator since Finnick was a loved victor. He was meant to be hidden because he was believed to be dead. 

Katniss was confused at first when you asked her to officiate. She had assumed it would be led by Coin or an appointed official. You explained that it was a tradition that the bride and groom picked the person to officiate the wedding in District 4 to give it a more personal touch and she accepted. But she wished it was Peeta you had asked. She hated making public speeches and you knew that. You also knew that she would be able to deliver something inspiring and that she knew you better than Peeta did. 

You weren't wrong, she delivered a beautiful speech about the star-crossed lovers of Panem. The victor from District 4 and the woman they loved from the Capitol. She mentioned the bravery the pair of you had exhibited and that others could benefit from following the example. She went on to express the importance of this impossible unity love and encouraged the rest of the country to follow you and Wanda into a brighter future. That although the government had painstakingly painted those in the districts to be nothing more than animalistic slaves and declared that those in the Capitol were more deserving of comfortable or extravagant lives, the two of you saw past that false narrative and fought against the mandated division and saw each other as equals. As partners willing to risk their lives for one another. Something that the people in the districts, in the Capitol, and even those working as government officials or Peacekeepers, can find within themselves to see each other as equals as well and not see each other as an enemy or an abomination. That as a country, the people can come together and stop killing for a man that doesn’t care if his citizens live or die. 

Wanda went first in the exchanging of vows, she made everyone in attendance laugh with a couple of jokes about you and the way you charmed your way into her heart. Then she vowed to love and cherish you forever. She vowed to stay committed to only you as long as the both of you shall live. She vowed that she will stand by your side in sickness and in health. Finally, she said, “We came together in a time when we were constantly being kept apart. I am ready to get to know you not as the person you've had to become for others but as the person you are. Give me your bad hair days, your long rants and conspiracies, your burnt waffles, and lost socks. Give me your every day, and I will give you my love to make it all alright. You are my every dream come true, and I can't wait for the reality we get to build together once we are free. You make me laugh, you make me think of a brighter future, and above all, you make me happy. I love you.” 

“Wow,” you gasped as you wiped tears from your face. “Tough act to follow,” you stated, which caused laughter through the guests' tears. You told the story of how the two of you met. How she was barely making a name for herself as a reporter and that you were so intrigued by her that you agreed to sell out the victors you didn't get along with to help her career grow. You stated that you couldn't even apologize because it led to this moment. Your vows reflected hers when it came to the basics. 

You sighed as you looked down at your shoes for a moment. They were Peeta Mellark's. He insisted on a trip back to District 12 to pick up a suit for you and a dress for Wanda. You tried to talk him out of it, you would have hated for Peeta or Katniss to get caught or killed just so that you looked presentable for the wedding. Katniss convinced you to let them do it. Then she explained that Cinna and her prep team left behind the wedding gown options that they thought might win just in case. Wanda joined them and found one she liked and with Katniss’s help in the woods, they found materials to make enough red paint to splatter across the white fabric. It looked like she'd murdered someone. It made her look deadly. You loved it.

“Wanda,” you looked back up at her. “As someone that did their best to remain alone to protect innocent people, you snuck your way into my heart. I feared for a long time what would come of us if anyone found out that we were more than a prostitute and their buyer. But you weren't afraid. You have taught me that two people joined together with respect, trust, and open communication can be far stronger and happier than each could ever be alone. You are the strength I didn't know I needed and the joy that I didn't know I lacked. Today, I choose to spend the rest of my life with you. I love you more fiercely with every second that slips through our hands.” Even though the two of you had exchanged the term of endearment everyday since her arrival, it was still so refreshing and freeing to finally say the words out loud. “My darling, it's with pride and joy that I take you for my wife. Together, we can weather any storm, no matter the season of our lives. I have found my forever partner. With you in my life, I could never be lonely again. I'm in awe of you, our bond, and our potential. I promise to remain in awe while I cherish you for all the rest of our days.” 

The kiss you shared was one of the most magical you'd ever experienced up until that point. The cameras were shut down as you and Wanda made it look as though the two of you left the area. Once the cameras were off, that's when the Odair wedding began. Finnick and Annie asked you to officiate. So you did. You performed the wedding, not as well as Katniss did but your friends were satisfied with it. 

Afterwards, the two were excused to celebrate on their own accord while you and Wanda were expected to continue to put on a show for the cameras. Not that you minded, you were happy to be dancing with her in front of everyone instead of in the refrigerator light in the middle of the night. It was the perfect way to show the citizens of Panem that change was upon them. 

Within the next week you were being sent to the Capitol because Katniss decided to go a bit rogue and send herself into the battle. Gale was already stationed there along with Commander Boggs after a successful mission with District 2, so she had some allies that weren't quick to turn her in. But someone else was and to save face, Coin organized Squad 451, nicknamed the “Star Squad” as she also sent Peeta and the camera crew with you, even Johanna was being sent in. The squad was meant to be recorded, not meant to get caught in any real battle. You laughed as Johanna flipped off Castor and Pollux every time they pointed the camera at her. If this wasn’t war, you would have gaurenteed that merchandise of Johanna and her middle finger would have been the next big thing in the Capitol. 

Katniss was shocked to see you there because of the new marriage but you assured her that this is what Wanda wanted. “She was tortured and nearly gave her life in order to keep this fight going,” you stated as you spun the trident around in your hand to get used to it. “Can't go back until we're free. Those are her orders,” you grinned and leaned forward. “Besides, I kind of promised her a list of heads as souvenirs from this trip,” you winked.

“Better get to work then,” she nodded once before moving away from you to greet Peeta with a hug. She also hit him upside the head which made you chuckle. He apologized for being there but it wasn't up to him. The cameras were around but they weren't focused on them so when they shared a kiss, you couldn't tell if it was for show or for them. But you looked away and your eyes ended up on a somber Gale Hawthorne. He wasn't all bad, he was starting to grow on you as you could tell that he cared the only way he knew how. But he needed to realize that he needed to move on. Then you watched as his gaze began to follow Johanna and you scrunched your features. He couldn't handle her, you knew from experience. 

The mission ran long as the group of you were faking a lot of action to get footage while being safe until it no longer could be sustained. Peacekeepers found the Star Squad and led the group into a trap that cost half of the team. Biggs lost his legs because he stepped on a landmine. He transferred over the Holo to Katniss, a device only those in charge of a squad were given. Among many other features, it could project a holographic map and pinpoint the dangers around. Pods were what they were called because they could consist of any number of dangers. Unfortunately, it couldn't update as fast as the military could install them. 

The rest of the squad fled into the nearest building but one guy, Second Lieutenant Mitchell, got caught in a deadly net contraption that sliced him into pieces. Twin sisters that went by Leeg 1 and Leeg 2 got left behind because one of them  needed medical assistance and the rest of the unit needed to get out of there. Katniss claimed that she was sent there to kill Snow and although most - if not all - of the squad knew it was a lie, the unit backed her up against Lieutenant Jackson who tried to take over as the commanding officer after Boggs died. A call was made on the Leegs behalf to the rebels base and Homes volunteered to stay with them. 

When the remaining squad members were safe inside of a home that had been cleared out is when you find out that you were dead. That all of you were dead. A mandatory broadcast showed what you knew were the Leeg sisters and Homes firing at Peacekeepers out of the building you guys had to leave them in. The building was blown up by the Peacekeepers and your face was the first one to appear on the screen along with the sound of a cannon and the music that would play for fallen tributes in the Hunger Games. You’d have clapped at their theatrics if it wasn't inappropriate. 

President Snow appeared on the screen as he began to drone on and on about a cease fire. But he is interrupted by President Coin giving an almost convincing eulogy for Katniss. You turned your attention towards her as it went on and she rolled her eyes. The Mockingjay was dead. “Congrats,” you said as you nudged her shoulder. She shook her head which made you laugh as you finished the can of tuna you had raided from the cabinets. It reminded you of home. 

From there, more people were lost as the squad tried to move through the Capitol underground in order to get to Snow's mansion. The streets were flooded with pods, it was impossible to move through them and the rooftops were too risky. Underground tunnels were the only solution. Pollux was the one to lead the unit through because he used to work there when he was an Avox. Katniss stood close to him, scanning the area with the Holo for extra precaution. 

No one was prepared for the rush of events that took place all at once. Blood thirsty mutts flooded the tunnel system. It cost the life of Homes, Jackson, and Gale. He was the last one to go. Katniss had to drop the Holo on top of him as he was being eaten alive. “Nightlock, nightlock, nightlock,” she said to activate the self-destructive feature of the device. It blew up and the unit still had to run. You were cut up all over because those mutts had sharp nails. 

As soon as you guys were out of the tunnels Peacekeepers were waiting and ready. Firing at the squad on sight. Katniss used her explosive arrows while you used the handgun you were given in case you lost your trident, which you did during the mutt fight, while the rest of the squad used their machine guns. 

As the unit ran for their lives, deadly light beams shot out at random taking Messalla, Cressida’s assistant. It turned him into dust. At the example of the danger, everyone avoided the light. Once the team crossed over a short barrier, the floor began to disappear as it was being eaten away by spikes. Everyone made it past that into the safer area of what looked like a parking garage. 

“I know where we can hide,” Cressida announced as soon as she recognized her surroundings. Everyone followed her to a store and inside a woman that resembled an exotic animal let the team hide in her basement. 

Castor and Pollux patched you up to keep you from bleeding out. You had a lot of wounds that required both of them. Katniss sat in a corner with a lost look in her eyes. She'd lost Gale and so many other people because of a lie. So many lives have been lost because of her lies. Peeta sat beside her to try and comfort her. She allowed it until you started to scream because of the crappy job that Castor and Pollux were doing at fixing you up. They were much better filmmakers and soldiers than they were medics. 

Katniss got up and came over to help them. “This is all my fault,” she whispered with tears in her eyes as she looked over your irritated wounds. “I'm so sorry,” she looked around the room. Cressida was gathering supplies from Tigris for everyone. Johanna was undressing to assess the damages done to her body. Castor and Pollux were exhausted. Peeta was also injured but he hid his injuries to protect Katniss. 

“I lied,” she said. “Coin, she didn't send me I,” she looked down at you, covered in mostly your own blood. “I came on my own. I thought I could… Gale,” she stared at you, she was lost in grief and guilt. Peeta limped over to her. 

“Katniss,” he sighed before he gave a speech about the lives in the arena that had been taken because no one had ownership of their lives. That the lives taken in this war were given by choice. Then he helped her patch you up. You were grateful to be alive after all of that. But this war still needed to end. Snow still had to die. 

And he did. 

What was left of the Star Squad stormed Snow’s mansion and killed anyone that got in their way. Snow was sitting smugly in his office chair when the unit burst through the doors. Katniss shot an electric arrow through his eye and Johanna chopped his head off for good measure. Castor and Pollux live streamed the entire ordeal. 

“People of Panem,” Katniss said to the cameras. “We are free!” 

The entire country celebrated as those left in power surrendered. 

When things settled down, Coin asked the remaining victors to vote on the possibility of hosting a symbolic Hunger Games after she appointed herself as interim president. No one knew who slipped a nightlock pill in her tea. But no one accused or questioned anyone. Most people assumed it was Katniss and those present for the meeting assumed it was you. Neither of you confirmed nor denied the rumors. 

Katniss and Peeta returned to District 12 while her mom and sister stayed in the Capitol to get better acquainted with the vast medical knowledge in order to help train others to make healthcare affordable and accessible across the nation. 

After a lot of debate, you and Wanda moved into your house in District 4. Your argument was that you had an entire mansion that you didn’t have to pay anything on and she rented a townhome. She liked her house and her life in the Capitol but none of it mattered at the end of the day. Life there was never going to be the same. So she agreed. District 4 was her home. After the hidden survaliance devices were removed from the mansion, of course. 

The two of you got to know each other in ways you never could before. You found out what a slob she could be. Wanda would forget to throw dirty clothing into the hamper. Then she'd wear all of her clothes until she ran out. You would point to the overflowing hamper when When she was done using a dish, it would sit in the sink instead of rinsing it off and putting it in the dishwasher. She was used to having a servant to take care of little things like that. Wanda found out that you were a terrible cook and that you have terrible self care habits. The two of you figured out ways to balance each other out. 

At the beginning, you and Wanda spent a lot of time together. Basking in the honeymoon phase as long as possible. But eventually, reality caught up and the both of you realized that there was still so much work to be done in terms of rebuilding the country. As much as you felt that you shouldn’t have to do more, you were still in a better position than most. So, you and Wanda figured out a way to be involved in the process of helping those who needed it most in the New Panem and opened a rehabilitation center in District 4. 

It started with a way to employ those who needed work. If you couldn’t find them a job in District 4, you or Wanda would reach out to other districts and help them and their family relocate. After several years, it grew to so much more. Now, it’s became a center that helps those with addictions, therapy to process trauma, a safe haven for those sold into marriages that they didn’t want to be in anymore, a space for those who struggled with life before and after the war. Even though you could have easily decided to coast by in life with the money you still receive and will continue to receive from winning the Hunger Games, it didn’t feel right when so many people that barely had anything to begin with, were left with absolutely nothing. 

Her brother, Pietro, decided to stay in District 12. In his time before the war, Pietro met a woman that he fell deeply in love with. Much like you and Wanda, they couldn’t be together in the way that they wanted because it could have gotten them killed. She had broken things off with Pietro just before the bombing to protect him because one of the other Peacekeepers had threatened to expose them if she hadn’t. It wasn’t until well after the war was over that she was able to find and recconnect with Pietro. 

“You Maximoffs are suckers for us simple district folk,” you joked quietly to Wanda while the two of you sat in the audience of his wedding. It was held in District 12 with the local traditions of the district. 

“Shut up,” she said as she hid her amusement and carefully dabbed her tears away with your handkerchief. She was so touched by the ceremony. She still couldn’t believe that any of it was possible. She looked at you as she reminisced about the day the two of you made history by getting married. You put your arm around her shoulder and she snuggled against you as the ceremony continued.  

While the two of you danced at the reception a little girl crashed into your legs. “Uh oh,” you said softly as you helped her up. She was afraid at first but then she smiled as she apologized. “I’m Y/n, and your name is?” You asked politely. 

“Willow,” she responded quietly and you grinned as you recognized her from the photos you have of her. Katniss sent them to you because up until now, you hadn’t been able to make a trip out to District 12. Not since a couple weeks after she was born.  

“Well, Willow, I happen to be a good friend of your Mommy and Daddy. I haven’t seen you since you were a baby,” you said as you offered her your hand. “Let’s go find them, shall we?” Willow nodded as she took your hand. Wanda watched with a deep sadness as you interacted so happily with the little girl. It was hard enough to see you around Finnick and Annie’s children. When you returned to her, she knew what you were going to ask of her and she couldn’t give that to you. She knows that she should have told you years ago, but she hoped that there would be an advanced treatment that could reverse the damage. She developed a relationship with Primrose Everdeen because she was the one who had to give Wanda the news in District 13. 

Fortunately for Wanda, you didn’t bring up the subject until the two of you were alone in the hotel room. “Willow is a cute kid, isn’t she?” You asked as you climbed into bed next to Wanda. Your wife hummed as she went over the files she brought with her. “River and Marina are pretty cool too,” you put your hand on her abdomen and she took a deep breath as she braced herself. 

“I think we should have kids.”

“I can’t have kids.” The two of you talk at the same time. 

“What?” You remove your hand as you sit up. Shocked by the reveal. 

Wanda swallowed the lump forming in her throat and she set the file on the bedside table. “I was pregnant when the Peacekeepers took me. I uh… They um,” she couldn’t stop the tears from falling as her heart broke again from reliving the horrible memories. You didn’t let her finish, you just held her tightly as your heart broke from the news as well. You had no idea that this was something she went through. Amongst the list of horrible things that happened to her when she was captured, this wasn’t something you anticipated. “I’m sorry,” she eventually said. 

“It’s not your fault,” you kissed her on the forehead and decided then that you didn’t need kids. Wanda was all you would ever need. 

That rang true. As the years went on, you and Wanda were there for nephews and nieces. The work the two of you built together was very time consuming, it left room for very little and the two of you were more than willing to make that sacrifice. Together, you might not have been able to bring a life into the world but you managed to change so many lives that it didn’t matter. The two of you lived happily together until the day you died of old age in each others arms. A gift that was once a rarity in the country of Panem. The life that you and Wanda led together wouldn’t have happened had there not been the hope of a free world. Though significant sacrifices were made, you wouldn’t have changed a single thing. 

Or would you have?

The Mentor

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[dozing-composing]

Ur single handedly keeping the venture bro fanfics alive and honestly I love you for that thank you for all you do ❤️❤️🫡🫡

😭😭😭 I Literally Love Y'all So Much! You Guys Keep Me Going. Every Time I Log On, My Inbox Is Full And My Posts Are Blowing Up. And, We Hit Over 50 Followers! I Did Not Think I'd Get This Far, Much Less With My Previous Milestone Of Over 20. So As A Thank You, I'm Going to Gift Y'all A Little Holiday Special Featuring Our Favorite Henchman. I Hope You All Enjoy, And Of Course... Happy Holidays!

𝗡𝗼𝘄 𝗽𝗹𝗮𝘆𝗶𝗻𝗴: "(Glittery -Kacey Musgraves, Troye Sivan)" 0:09 ━●────────── 2:47 ㅤ ㅤ◁ㅤ ❚❚ ㅤ▷

ᴀɴᴅ ᴇᴠᴇʀʏ ꜱɪɴɢʟᴇ ᴋɪꜱꜱ ɪꜱ ʟɪᴋᴇ ᴀ ɢɪꜰᴛ ᴛᴏ ᴍᴇ

ᴀɴᴅ ɪ ʟᴏᴠᴇ ᴛʜᴇ ᴡᴀʏ ʏᴏᴜ ᴅᴇᴄᴏʀᴀᴛᴇ ᴍʏ ʜᴇᴀʀᴛ

ᴏʜ, ꜱᴏ ɢʟɪᴛᴛᴇʀʏ

Warnings: Vulgar Language, Possibly OOC It's Christmas, and your boyfriend is nervous to give you a gift of a lifetime. ☆GN!Reader

:･ﾟ✧:･.☽˚｡･ﾟ✧:･.:

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house A few creatures were stirring, each person arouse The mansion was decorated with garland and tinsel, In hopes that the air was more merry and blissful

...

It came as a surprise when The Mighty Monarch was hosting a Christmas party, albeit a small one consisting of himself, his wife, Gary, and one special soon-to-be guest: you. The whole house was furnished in Christmas decorations, making the place look jolly and bright. Everyone was surrounded by bells, wreaths, ornaments, and more. It was actually Sheila's idea to throw such a festivity. "To bring us closer together," was her reasoning. "And to give us a damn break from all Guild operatives." Still, everyone agreed and took this minute to breathe. All except for Gary, who was stressing beyond something mad. See, he had plans for this one particular person. Someone he's loved since that faithful day they met. He still has that coffee cup sleeve from the first date you both went on. A couple of days before the party (or rather, a small get-together), he had been looking for advice from his boss. Which became a lesson learned to not ask him. "But what if (Y/N) doesn't like it?" "THEN YOU MAKE THEM LIKE IT-" And then he gave the infamous "I'm The Mighty Monarch" speech, ranting that if it were up to him, you would faint on the spot because it was from him. Gary walked out in the middle of it. He then went to ask Sheila, who told him something that really seemed to help. "Listen, Gary. The only reason (Y/N) won't love your gift is if they don't love you." This really stuck with him. And she was right. But, there was still one other thing... What will you say?

...

There was no reason to get nestled and snug in their beds, While thoughts of cheeriness danced in their heads The Monarch in his cloak and Gary in his sweater, Were trying to keep calm and get things together

...

Seconds ticked by, and you had yet to show up. Minutes turned to hours. The night nearly escaped from them. But The Monarch wouldn't allow it. Being fed up by waiting and waiting, he slammed his fists down and arose from his seat. "Fuck this! I'm not going to sit around anymore and wait for someone for this stupid 'party' that isn't even a party to begin with!" He throws his hands up and waves them around as he exits the room. Sheila gets up to follow him. "Sweetie, it's also a big night for Gary. You don't want to support your best and only henchman?!" Her voice fades out as she leaves to catch up to him. Gary sat at the kitchen table, alone with his thoughts once more. The snacks that were laid out appeared to have gone to waste. He sighs and rests his face on his hand. A million thoughts passes through his mind. Maybe you're not ready yet. Maybe you got caught in traffic. Maybe you got caught in the snow. But if that was the case, wouldn't you give him a call? Wouldn't you be letting him know what's making you so late? Maybe this was a huge mistake... No! Despite his frustration, he fights to stay positive. You're just running late. No way would you ditch him. You would jump at the chance to spend time with him. Especially now during the holidays. He just had to give you more time.

...

When out on the street there arose such a clatter, He sprang from his seat to see what was the matter Away to the window he flew like a flash, Threw open the curtains and saw what caused the clash ...

Being so deep in thought caused more time to pass by. Each agonizing thought made the seconds etch by quicker. He was about to give up and call it a night, when all of a sudden... SCREECH! It was a short, but loud sound. A staccato of car tires stopping. Then came the sound of a car door closing. He jumped up and ran to the window. Instantly, he ripped away the curtains to see if it was you. And sure enough, it was! His eyes lit up as he released the curtains and dashed to the door. You couldn't even lift a hand to knock before Gary had swung it open. "(Y/N)!" He reaches out and pulls you in for a great bear hug. You smile, feeling the warmth radiating off him. It fades a little when he pulls away as quick as he pulled you in. "I was starting to think you gave up on us!" You look down in shame. "I.. tried to call but the reception out here is shoddy. I got lost and couldn't get ahold of you," you explain. You look up to see Gary's eyes full of understanding. "I'm sorry, love. I didn't mean for this to happen." You awkwardly clench at your coat sleeves. "Hey, hey. It's okay! Look-" He eases your hands in his. "I'm glad you made it," his eyes reflected the light outside. It made your heart melt. That's probably your favorite part of him. The way they always seem to reflect the light. Even in darkness, they'll never lose their glimmer. "Come on, it's freezing out here!" He leads you inside and takes your coat. Already, you feel out of place. This is the first time you've ever come out here, and to finally see this gorgeous mansion on the inside made you feel small. "It's beautiful," you whisper. "How come I've never visited you out here?" You turn to him. He shrugs, then rubs the back of his neck. "It's complicated." With that, he takes you and shows you around. Each room is more breathtaking than the last. And thankfully, you're distracted enough to not see how fidgety Gary was getting. Or so he thought. When he led you out to the balcony is when you caught on to his nervousness.

... The moon on the breast of new-fallen snow, Gave the luster of mid-day to to objects below When what to your wondering eyes appear, You boyfriend all shaken and taken by fear ...

"...Are you oka-" "GREAT! I'm great. Are you cold? I should have brought your coat back. I should probab-" "Calm down, Gary. I'm fine," you gently grab his hand. Your turn to lead. You take him to the railing. Letting his hand go, you lean over and look out. He does the same. Snow covers the ground, everything blanketed in white. The sky is surprisingly clear for it to be in the city. You take a glance back at Gary to see he's white-knuckling the rail. Everything about him is suddenly tense. You place a hand on one of his, accidentally startling him. You look at him worriedly. "Gary, something's clearly bothering you. What's the matter?" ... With his brain working overtime and thoughts flying quick, He knew in a moment that this must be it More rapid than eagles this time surely had came, Now here he stood, gift in hand, and asked you by name ...

He takes in a deep breath, then clasps onto your shoulders. "I love you. You know that right?" You cock an eyebrow. "Of course! Why would you ask something like thi-" "Because I love you so much," he starts. "I love the way you smile at the little things. I love that you laugh at anything and everything. You're so sweet, and you're quick to help out whenever you can," his grip on you loosens more after each word falls out his mouth. "Y-you are like, the highlight of my life. You helped me through a lot," his hands travel down your arms to lock with your hands. "We even fought tooth and nail to be with each other." You laugh at the thought. But when you found out he had to move to New York, your heart broke. So you did all you could to maintain a long distance relationship. And you eventually saved up enough to move there, even if you lived in a small apartment. "And most importantly, you loved me for who I was. E-even before my transformation." Your eyes begin to water as you give a slight giggle. You remember the way he first looked, but you didn't care. You loved him for him. His geekiness only added to his attractiveness. "And for the past few years, we've gotten to know each other so well that..." He gets down on one knee. "I wanted to give, er... Ask something special of you," he pulls out a velvet box from his pocket. His heart begins to race. Your hands fly to your mouth and your eyes grow to the size of dinner plates. Your heartbeat matches his. "(Y/N)," he lifts the top of the box to reveal a stunning, sparkling ring. "Will you-" "Yes!" You throw yourself on him and wrap your arms around his neck, almost knocking him over. You both burst into tears. After having a little happy cry fest, you both got up. He then slid the ring on your finger. You both share a much-loving kiss under the stars. The hardest part is over, he thought. ...

They spoke not a word, but went straight to surprise, And opened the balcony door to see their prize And they were happy seeing the two side by side, And were excited to see that you had not denied ...

You both were about to head back inside to warm up, but you were met with the other power couple. "Congratulations!" Dr. Mrs. The monarch walked up to give you a hug. "Now let me see that rock," she lifts your hand up to inspect your ring. All while you two banter, The Monarch shares a few words with his loyal henchman. "I knew you had it in you, you dog!" They exchange their secret handshake, to which makes Mrs. Monarch give them a disappointing look. Everyone starts to head back inside. Everyone except for you. Gary sees you stalling and goes over to see what you were waiting for. "You okay?" It took a moment for you to register that he had said something. "Yeah, I just... had to collect myself," you grasp at your heart. And then there's a small pause. "I'm going to marry the love of my life!" You flap your hands and bounce on your tippy toes. You are just exploding with pure happiness. "Me too!" You share another kiss, holding each other's faces. Then he draws back and rests his forehead against yours. "I guess this means I'm not your boyfriend anymore," he chuckles. "Gary, you're such a dork." "Yeah, but I'm your dork," he boops your nose. After that, you go in to finally party. Thankfully, there was a bottle of champagne that was saved for special occasions such as this. Everyone had their glasses full, and everyone commemorated the newly engaged. "Merry Christmas, my dear," you kiss Gary's cheek. The other two "aww" to this display off affection. Your fiancé's face turns almost as red as the bows arranged on the wreaths. The rest of the night is spent with joy and laughter. You're very excited to be joining the family. ...

Everyone sprang to the inside to celebrate this new chapter, And away they all honor you joining hereafter And there they make a toast, all doused in Christmas light "Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!" ...

:･ﾟ✧:･.☽˚｡･ﾟ✧:･.:

Again, Thank You All So Much For All The Attention You Give Me. I Cannot Thank You Enough. Much Love To Everyone This Holiday Season! You're All The Best Gift I Could Ever Ask For!

[pliablehead]

I guess if I want to write a travelogue/write up post about my 4-stop journey following the first chunk of Everything Everything's 2023 US tour then I have to just... do it!! If this is of interest to anyone other than me then GREAT and if not then it's still special to me to try to write down and remember everything I can uwu

FIRST STOP WASHINGTO-- wait, no, actually, first stop, on my way out of town, the local donut shop in my neighborhood, a place that I absolutely adore and patronize all the time with staff who mostly know me by now/some of whom are my instagram friends/etc. i'd checked with the Pittsburgh venue ahead of time to see if it was okay to send in outside food as a gift to the band even though they have a cafe/bar in their own right, and whoever I corresponded with said it would be totally fine, so I talked to the donut shop manager and set up a delivery of a dozen for the lads for Saturday before their show here. advance paid for that, as well as getting my own breakfast and coffee hehe, and then hit the road. OKAY FOR REAL FIRST STOP WASHINGTON DC!!! This was the second-longest leg of my Car Driving and it was definitely a wee bit exhausting but I had a podcast or two and a ton of E E on shuffle to bolster me through and I made it to my mom's friends' house, where I was staying, with relative ease. The venue was within a not-too-unreasonable walking distance too so after a change of clothes (I had very distinct and deliberate Show Outfits for each night that were fully separate from my travelin' clothes) and a bunch of fussing with the bracelets™ I headed over!! stopped for empanadas and a smoothie on the way and then queued up!!

aaaaahh this was such a nice fun queue. I was maybe about a dozen-ish people back from the front, down about half a block, and once I finished scarfing down my food this was my first real experience with doling out the bracelets. so fun! I'm glad it was basically an instant hit! AND I even got a few trades in this queue--one person gave me a Man Alive / Tin / E E bracelet with teeny tiny beads, super fun, and one person with a SHITTON of kandi stuff gave me one that had the name of a flower genus on it?? i think they said it was?? I love the colors on this one! And one person traded me a Blow Pop. lmao. I should eat that before it sits in my fanny pack for too long. I also really enjoyed chatting with the two guys right in front of me (Nick and Alex?), who were from south-central PA and had a couple other fandom touchstones in common with me (mcelroys/dnd/BDG! I love this Venn diagram!!) as well as a big love for E E. We didn't really see much of each other beyond the point of getting inside but I liked y'all a lot!! Hope you had as great a time as I did!!

Black Cat is where I saw E E the first time I EVER SAW THEM, which was almost exactly six years ago from this gig, which is insaaaane. The space is kind of narrow so there's not a huge amount of stage barrier space right at the front, so Becky and I ended up pretty much at the front but almost aa-all the way stage left/Jeremy-side. coulda been worse hehehe. We kind of loitered and chatted with nearby folks, I think maybe becky checked out merch ahead of the show ? but I kind of just held down the fort, enjoying setup stuff, pete running around etc hehe. getting BLASTED by the AC, which was nice.

the ummmm the opener! our first experience with Pierre! I gotta say his general style is not for me, despite the fact that I do think he's very talented and good at the thing he's doing. this first night especially he was SO sweaty and I felt bad for him lmao, you could like see it dripping off him. i am so curious as to why/how he got paired with the boys for this tour, like, what aligned in such a way that this match was made, because my general vibe on the crowd/his audience/etc was that we the fans of the nerdy white english mathy rocker guys were not exactly his demo LOL. BUT i will say in DC I do think he had one little pocket of strong-contingency fans because I kept hearing big whoops and cheers coming from one specific audience spot and I loved that for him lmao. for some reason i cannot explain I actually almost found his backing/support musician guy (the guy who was basically his version of peter) more compelling. I wanna know THAT dude's story lol.

so when he finished up we had a little interlude aaaannndd the setlist appeared... hehe. I could def have peered up to look at it from where I was, but I was telling myself I wanted to be surprised, and was deliberately looking away........ until suddenly everyone around me was gasping and going HOLY SHIT and I was like, ugghhh okay, I will check JUST enough to figure out what that's all about, and what that was all about was immediately apparent because smack in the middle of the set were a Man Alive track (which we never get in the states bar MY KZ) and something that just said "New Song." AND LIKE, OKAY, THAT'S A JUSTIFIED HOLY SHIT. new song????? so now we had THAT to contend with coming up, and aaaaaaah. ahh. yeah holy shit indeed.

it's also while we're standing there that AG pops into view, (or maybe I first spotted him during Pierre's set? Chronology is irrelevant), back off behind Becky from me in the other direction, and we waved over at him to say hi and he says to us, "All four of them are bleached blond." And my gut instinct was to be like, I DON'T BELIEVE YOU, but also the truth in my heart was that there was absolutely no justification for not believing them, because of course they would, and sure enough these bozos roll out onto the stage and they are all four draco malfoy-ass bleach blond. God it looks a mess on Jeremy LOL and while the color/dye job wasn't bad on Alex, it was clear his finer hair wasn't holding up as well against the chemicals because it was just a fluffy riot mess. BUT GOD IT WAS REALLY SO INCREDIBLY STRIKING OF A VISUAL for them to be all be wearing all pure white/beige clothes and then to have this bleach-white hair and all of it catching and glowing under the stage lights... god... clearly the effect they were going for and it WORKED, IT REALLY DID. I think it looks so damn goofy (mostly on jez) out of context but it's ABSOLUTELY nailing the Everything Everything Gig Costumes energy/uniform thing that I felt like they'd drifted away from a little the past couple tour cycles, I'm so incredibly here for it

The set!!!! The gig!!!!!!! it wasn't a wildly different set from what we'd seen in CA last year, obviously RDF-heavy supplemented with a heaping helping of singles from the other albums too, but I remember thinking Leviathan and Pizza Boy were especially excellent aaaah. And Schoolin'! And the NEW SONG! The two pieces of it I IMMEDIATELY absorbed and retained were 'the image of a little yellow face to tell you that I'm sorry' and 'I love you like an atom bomb,' and I was spouting those two pieces back to anyone who wanted to talk to me about it for the rest of the night. I'm so lyrics-pilled/vocalist-biased. Which was.... Unfortunate, for this DC gig, because I do think the audio mix was pretty rough - at least from where we were standing so close to the front, I wonder if it was at least a tiny bit better further back into the crowd in the area the sound system was probably primarily calibrated for - and we were REALLY losing Jon in the mix, especially underneath how enthusiastically the crowd was singing along a lot of the time. We were on Jeremy's side of the stage and we were really just getting a LOT of Jeremy. (Which, the bass did sound absolutely fantastic, so hard to complain about that, at least, but still.) I was very thankful to be going to a few more gigs beyond this one so that this wasn't my only experience with it, especially New Song!!! Plus there were a bunch of other little tech difficulties too? Near the beginning of the new song, Jon's guitar strap came detached and wouldn't reconnect, and after struggling a bit with that he decided to just drift back and pass it off the stage to their tech guy--but he was still kind of singing/holding the mic, so as he moved on stage, the mic cable yanked the microphone stand straight over, too. Then the rest of the night that stand was pretty precarious and nearly fell two other times, only caught at the last minute by a true homie who was standing directly in front of it in the audience lmao. I think Becky yelled HIRE HIM! at one point. Annnnd also for like a whole verse of NOTLK jez's bass boards just kind of Gave Up. He tried switching to his other instrument but that wasn't working either, and then finally it all sort of came back online, so he played a little stretch with the wrong bass and then was able to switch back to the right bass when there was a lull in his part. SHAMBLES. lmfao. god it was a great gig though. SO FUCKING GOOD TO BE BACK I LOVE BAND UWAAAAAHH I WAS SO SWEATY AND HAPPY

afterrrr da gig, we needed very badly to drink water and so we managed to do that I believe, and we kind of loitered in the Merch Line Situation trying to figure out what was going on. I had kind of resolved not to buy merch until at least NY, part because I really didn't want to be lugging anything around with me for too much of my trip (esp on this night where I walked) and part because I'd read a post that Irving Plaza was among the venues who'd committed to not taking a cut of band merch sales and letting them keep it all, and I was like, well obvi that's where I want to spend my money. Plus it was cash only in DC and since I'd kind of told myself NY I didn't even have cash out, so it was nothing. BUT!!! homie Adrian whomst I had met at the DC Foals show last December had been there, a few people ahead of me in the queue and also rocking out yaayyy, and he was trying to get merch but the ATM inside the venue literally did not have any more cash left inside it to dispense because everyone was taking out so much of it to buy merch AAAH. so he reached out to me like 'you're going to more shows than just this one right?' and asked if I'd pick him up the stuff he wanted later and then mail it to him so he didn't have to contend with international shipping and I was like aaaah absolutely! yay gig comradeship!

so I think becky finally committed to getting in the merch line and I was mostly just waiting With Becky and there weren't a ton of people left because the venue was trying to clear out, but the handful of us who were still there, a wild Alex Robertshaw appeared up near the stage/bar. we vibed out whether he was receptive to Fan Bothering at this time but it seemed legit, so a bunch of us went over and socialized with him and took some pics, got some signatures, etc, woooo. We tried to vibe out from him also if the other guys were gonna be coming out, and when and where, but y'all know Alex is the awkwardest member of this band by a country mile and we didn't really have too coherent of a discourse at this point in time lmao. Not sure who talked to him about what at this point as I was just trying to hold down the fort and be Normal. I was able to give Alex the bracelet I'd made for him at this point (he was so cute studying on it and reading it ahaha - "rave-- kevin-- kevins rave KEVIN'S RAVE" and he smiled and I felt cool), and also meanwhile Pete was still running around stage doing roadietech type stuff and I sort of politely flagged him down like "do what you need to do if you need to do it but also: Hi lol" and I got to give him his bracelet as well! yay ♥. He complimented my shirt--I'd been getting a lot of compliments on it honestly, it's their Yellow Bird Project shirt that Jon designed some time ago, only I replaced the plain white sleeves of the original unisex tee with some sort of vermilion "girly fit" sleeves that are more comfy to me and kind of give the shirt a different look haha--and I sort of joked on that, said as much, oh, I swapped the sleeves out, "It's to cover up how sweaty I get." and Pete gave me a deadpan look and went "You don't even want to go there with me" and I was like "YEP I FEEL MUCH THE SAME" and I think we both enjoyed a moment of feeling very Seen about the sweatiness hehehehehe. I love Pete he is my heckin Friend With no additional merch purchases (merchases) (hm, no) the venue was finally for realsies ejecting us so we drifted back out into the streets and just like... okay... now what........ this was the point at which I think our Band Groupie-ing Crew became me, Becky, Danielle in the fox ears/tail, and a lanky youth named S.P. whom I'd talked to in line earlier while doling out bracelets (he had the good E E baseball cap; he asked for an Arc bracelet and I commended him for being an Arc fan, since I feel like they are a dwindling/rarer breed, and then I offered up my hot take that Violent Sun is just the second coming and second pass at Duet, which he thought was spicy, and then he asked for my most controversial E E take and I told him that I don't really like Tin very much and he told me he doesn't really like Shark Week very much and we agreed to disagree and have a good night LOL) (anyway I digress !). It was a warm enough night and none of us really had places to be so we didn't mind just loitering and trying to suss out some more Guys other than just Alex and Pete, but slowly but surely we became basically the only fans left sticking it out. so we stuck together! We split up to try to find if there was a rear stage door at the back and SP and I went one way (the long way RIP) and Becky and Danielle went the other way and it turns out the way that SP and I went was an alleyway just FULL of rats. Too many rats in DC!! People like to talk about rats in NYC but I saw WAY more in Washington just vibing out on the sidewalks and eating trash. I'm not anti-rat, they live there and deserve to live, but oh man it was just. I did not especially want a rat encounter LOL. The rat alley DID actually lead us to where the bus was though!!, but there was also a venue security guy there who was immediately like "Nope, back up, leave, bye" and we were like. understood have a nice day, and doubled around a different way to meet back up with the other two. wwwwelp.

We loitered a bunch more and eventually saw Alex and his homies like, AT LEAST two more times, but we ultimately never saw anyone else. They p much confirmed for us that because this was the first night of the tour, they had a really intense load-out, and everyone was jetlagged to all fuck, that they probably wouldn't ever make it out, even though at least once Alex had said something ambiguous/optimistic enough to imply that they might yet, but really it just got SO late that we couldn't justify still being there for nothing instead of being like. asleep. lol. SP and Danielle got rideshares, Becky and I walked back as far as her hotel together, and then I hiked the rest of my way back too and went the fuck to SLEEP!!! FIRST GIG IN THE BOOKS!! WHAT A LOVELY NIGHT GOD IT WAS JUST SO BEAUTIFUL TO BE SEEING THEM AGAIN ngl I think the blond is really attractive on Mike with his darker brows/beard and I'm always a sl*t for jonathan so like. beautiful. finally some delicious fucking food

it was super nice of my mom's friend to let me stay with him!!! I was so delighted to see his cats again, I remembered them from the last time I was there like six or so years ago, they're sooooo floofy and beautiful aahh. he also provided me with a white noise fan without me even asking which was SO choice. zzzzz. My plan was to get up in the morning, get coffee someplace nearby at wherever he recommended, and then hit the road forrrr... Philadelphia!!! Night two!!!! I got some breakfast tacos at a hella legit place, messed up my coffee/milk/sugar ratio ever so slightly but not in an undrinkable way, and then frickin. autobot rolled out. This drive was not bad at ALL, I timed it pretty much exactly like I planned it to, which was to: get to my friend's place where I was crashing in philly with, ideally, enough time to take a small nap before I had to do anything else, because, god, despite being pretty exhausted and sleeping okay on the nice guest bed in DC, I had BARELY slept the night before I left just from Travel Antsiness and from both staying up way later and waking up way earlier than I meant to unintentionally, and a second little recharge zzz before I went and did it all over again really hit the spot.

It was soooo nice to see Mads again and to see Mr. Angus and also meet BENNY!! More host cats!! They are suuuch silly good little lads, Mads and I had a ton of Kitty Chat and just vibing out and talking about concerts and fandom and stuff, I was so thankful she let me stay with her and getting to hang out was icing on the cake of this trip! She pointed me toward the trolley I'd need to take to get to the venue, and after my baby snzzz and drinking a ton of water and suiting up in my Arc-inspired look (literally just a sweatshirt dress I bought specifically because it was color-blocked very very much like the jackets/outfits they toured Arc in, I saw it and bought it immediately lmfao) I journeyed into the city, hoping to just find a place to eat in the vicinity of the gig! I was way closer up in the queue this time, the people in front of me were really just like.... the usual suspects, Annika+squad and David+squad (incl. Becky, who'd apparently already been there when I got there but wasn't there when I arrived), and also a super-nice woman immediately in front of me named Robin who I MEGA hit it off with!!! Hanging out with her was such an awesome part of my experience at this gig!!! she's COMPLETELY Offline which is so powerful for her but I hope there's some capacity in which we can continue to be friends because she ruled.

There was a Dominican(? I think) place like one block down from the venue where a couple in front of me had gotten some stuff and so I ran down there to snag food too and holy shit this man gave me so much goddamn food. Just a HUGE pile of rice and beans and some pork ribs, and I got a pineapple fanta, and I just popped a squat on the sidewalk and ate as much of it as I could which was probably not even half of what he gave me but it wasn't even that expensive so god bless. Once I wasn't dealing with my food sitch any more I was freed up to pass out a bunch of bracelets again, and I even got a couple more trades, one that was just a bunch of black beads and a bunch of Xs and one that says 'BUSSY' which I am elated about, thank you so fucking much lmao. Also someone offered to trade me an ibuprofen LOL and I was like no that's fine the bracelet can be free... for now, but I will keep that in mind if I change my mind later LOL aaahhh i was just so excited to give the bracelets out it was such a good vector for socializing and making Friends and Gig Buddies. I did learn p quickly at Philly that I should have made way more Man Alive, GTH, and Raw Data feel bracelets because those were basically the first to go every night and then I got stuck with just sad unloved Re-Animators and AFDs :( I was trying to like! do equal amounts of everything to give everything the love because I love them all! but people got favorites out there damn lmao. I was happy to be able to give Robin the MY KZ one because she said that's the first song she ever heard by them and it's special to her because of that (and then also it's been in the touring set and she got to hear them perform it too yay!!! I don't remember if she said she'd seen them before but it had just been a very very long time, or what, idk, aaaah).

We were R I G H T on the stage at this venue, slightly more to Alex's side this time, and the lip/rise of the stage was not very high at ALL and it felt almost like... intimidating, or like it shouldn't have been ALLOWED, for us to be that close to the stage. :flushed emoji: jeez lmao. I didn't fuck w merch here either but some people around me did I think and I held their spots, and a nice kid from right behind me in the queue brought me a Liquid Death which was so incredibly sweet. Pierre's set passed much as it had in DC, lmao; his other musician guy had a sweet fit on, though, this like two-piece set that was a really really dark/muted camo, a blazer over a black top and then matching like athleisure-fit pants and black boots, it was a fuckin look. They had a song at the very end of Pierre's Philly set that I don't think they'd done in DC (and that I didn't get in PGH either, it turned out), and ironically that was actually probably far and away the song of his I enjoyed the most, so I got kind of into it there at the end! but MAN was I ready to see the boys instead. hnnnn.

LADS SO CLOSE TO ME. JUST RIGHT THERE AND SINGING AND ROCKING. the set was aaaalmost exactly the same as DC, but in Philly they shifted Bad Friday up out of the encore and back into the set proper, and then replaced it in the encore with Violent Sun, which I admit I'd been bummed to not see in DC because I think the Violent Sun/No Reptiles encore double whammy is so incredibly crucial to the vibe. Warmed me to have it back in. Obviously Pittsburgh had so many other contributing factors that put it over the edge, but if it weren't for all of those, I think Philly would've been my favorite/best experience of these four gigs. Jon was spicy (he sang so many of the Original Rejected naughty lyrics, this is where we got 'he's a vegetable now' for the first and only time and also the only gig of the four where he leaned into the 'Arch Jeremy' gag in Arch Enemy, hehehehe, plus also motherfuckin' distant past which is not uncommon), and we got way more of the New Song-- through the whisper network of Becky, AG, David, etc., etc., we'd pieced together enough info to know by now that apparently the title of the song was in the lyrics of the chorus, and so I think it was in Philly that we all pretty much determined/decided that this was Cold Reactor. I love you like an atom bomb and I've become a cold reactor. I wasn't diving as DEEP into SONG DECIPHERING as some other folks were, but I did like kind of working on it at my own pace and absorbing it into my heart and my understanding of the band and what they're about to start doing, and so this was really great, for me, here, beautiful, beautiful. I took almost NO pics and vids at this one because my phone was kind of dying but also mostly just because I was honestly having such an enormously great time and I didn't feel the need to try to do anything other than be present in my body at the gig and experience it live. you KNOW?? LIKE!! MUSIC. man. EDIT TO ADD: I forgot to mention a small tech flub that was actually so charming, where near the very end of Arch Enemy jon seemed to be having trouble with his guitar board in the front, and he spent so long in the outro squinting down at it and trying to resolve the issue that he didn't fully come in on the It's time to show your face! bit at the proper time, and he ended up just saying "It's time to show your face." right into the mic very unaffected and straight-up in his regular speaking voice at the very, very end when the song was basically over. lol. he is cute. everyone is cute.

(I WILL ALSO SAY I got the giggles SO BAD at david and amanda's gudetama they slipped onto the stage, oh my god--I was going to take a joke video just dramatically zooming in on it, as one does, except right when I went to do that it got caught up in jon's mic cable and just TUMBLED AND JOSTLED ALL OVER THE PLACE and that fucking GOT me and I was DYING and it was right at like. the serious, heartstring-tugging, fuck-yeah parts of No Reptiles where I'm supposed to be at CHURCH and instead I'm losing my shit into hysterics over this poor gudetama just rolling everywhere alksdhjglaksd, I had to bury my face in Becky's shoulder for a measure or more and try to recover, oh my godddd. EGGS!) -- (OH ALSO I LMAO I HAVE SEVERAL AUDIENCE MEMBER ~BITS THAT I AM DOING just like, clapping here or there, participating actively in certain parts of things, and one that I kept doing for some asshole clown reason was singing along with/lampshading Alex's quick backing vox on the second verse of Spring Sun Winter Dread-- Philly was probably the place where I was the most prominent/obvious/easy to see doing it, and it made both him and Jeremy REALLY snicker, ahahaha I'm sorryyyyyyy for being obnoxioussssss)

The merch/loitering sitch was sli-iiightly more locked down, in here; there was only so long Marty and I could pretend to be thinking about merch/hanging out with people who were actually in line but not actually being in line before they really truly wanted us to leave, and they were pretty pissed that I even left the venue with an empty/ice-only water cup, never mind any dreams of re-entry. The militant energy of the security at this venue compared to how relatively chill and normal DC had been (for two venues I would say of comparable size/seriousness) was def my least favorite part of the Philly experience. I was outside, finishing my water and chitchatting with some artsy youths who were also unimpressed with security, and Becky's messaging me like "they're in here!" and I'm like "well I'm not and I can't come back so you gotta tell them to come out here!" lmao. But they did!!! All the guys came out before too long and I very delightfully got to talk to everyone. I gave Mike and Jeremy the bracelets I'd made for them - THEY both apologized to ME outright for not coming out to chat the night before?? like hello you’re the band we’re the fans you don’t owe us anything - they kind of came toward my side of the door first, and talked and chatted some, vs Jon sort of peeling the other way to the other half of the loiterers - I honestly have lost track of the sequence of events here and what happened when, but it was largely unimportant hehe. (Gosh, but then I keep randomly remembering other unrelated details. Like, for example, Black Cat gave me their big ol' signature black cat hand stamp, and I'd been thinking, oh this will be fun to watch my four hand stamps stack from these four gigs, the way I got two together from The Altogether/Matt Duncan double feature back in July, and then Underground Arts put theirs on the INSIDE OF MY WRIST and not the back of my hand, and both Irving and T-Bird just did wristbands. BUMMER.) But mostly just Seeing Band, Talking To Band. This was when I overheard Alex definitely confirm to someone that the new song is called Cold Reactor, and he sort of half-seriously half-not said they just didn't call it that on the setlist in case there was another "New Song" they might want to decide to start playing there instead at the last minute, even though the longer this goes on the more confident we are that they're not going to do that and that Cold Reactor is gonna be a new single that probably drops once this tour is over <___< eyes emoji. Also, between Wednesday and Thursday we also knew that the bleach-blond hair is for Lore Reasons, which we assume are to do with Cold Reactor and the album it will be on, because of course it is. stupid. jonathan higgs I want to crawl inside your deranged pisces mind and meld with it vulcan style.

anyway, as far as my short term memory can be relied upon/will tell me is the truth, I think Jon was actually the last person I ended up in contact with on this night; I was drifting over toward him but someone else was still engaged in an active conversation with him, so I was like, well obviously I will wait my turn and let other people have jonathan time even though I'm the biggest jonathan girlie, I can just hang and go in when he frees up, and so I was turned slightly away from him listening in on other convos and talking to Becky and maybe Annika or a couple other people, and then suddenly there's a delicate hand on the back of my shoulder and Jon's right in my fucking ear ominously going "hello." askdjhgka. He was soooo cute and nice, I gave him the bracelet I made him as well (which was "I wanna be there" from Violent Sun and shades of re-animator orange) and he was immediately like Oh, of course you, are the bracelet distributor, and I was like hehehe yes, and he asked if I also had to do with the gudetama and I was like absolutely not I have no idea what is going on there lmfao. and I think amanda and david did take credit for it at that time of course so yes hehe. Ended up in a fun casual chitchat with Jon and Becky for most of the rest of the time here, with her trying to squeeze him for info about the new song and album and lore hehehe and him being his typical cryptic trolly cagey Jon, and it was all in incredibly good fun; he noticed her bracelet too, and she pointed it out like Yes I got the one that says This Is The Prophecy from big climb because it hearkens back to that bit they were doing on twitter from way before that song even came out so I gave her that one on purpose duh lol, and Jon says "Oooh yep I forgot about that. .. Album..." and mimed swiping his hair back like whoopsie lmao and it was such a silly little half-self-neg on Re-Animator lol, and so I said "WELP too bad! because the one I made from you is one of those too haha!" and he took another look at it as if to remind himself about it and then went "Well yeah that one's good" with a wryer wickeder laugh and I was like lmao tell us how you really feel. But like he's right violent sun is perfect and I actually labored so long over what I was going to have jon's say because he was the only person I didn't have a really solid concrete idea of what to make for and ALSO he was the only one I REALLY wanted to get PERFECT because it's important to me and yeah. so it was. reassuring for him to like the violent sun one. idk anyway.

The woman we'd seen running around doing a lot for them, including merch, who recognized us from DC the night before and was fun and glib about it, and who turns out to be: Tour Manager Sam, finally had enough of our fucking about and started very efficiently organizing us all into "everyone who wants a pic with themself + all four guys come get in Now and I'm gonna play photographer and then we all gotta go the fuck home" and I respected it SO much lmao, so we had sort of a rotating queue of group picture taking and then the guys all went back inside the venue (I kind of fingerguns'd Jon like "New York :D?" and he looked at me just SO Put Out and just deadpanned "Of course you're going to be there." of course!! lmfao) and we started talking amongst ourselves just out of reluctance to let the night end/social energy we still wanted to wallow in and that was cute and nice. I said goodbye to some folks who weren't going any further on the tour. I had such a wonderful night. Then, lo and behold, we turn around and Jeremy's up on the stoop of the venue, and he's like, I think I've locked myself out. I am locked out and I also don't have my phone on me. lmfao jez. he goes "I am going to blame jonathan" and we allowed him that. I was like, do you want me to TWEET AT SOMEONE LOL and he was like good god no they'll come back for me eventually, and then yes they did, and THEN we all left hahahaha. becky insisted on sticking with me part of the way to the trolley but I was like, it is coming in 14 minutes and it says it's gonna take me 12 minutes to get there I gotta GO!, and I freaking missed it anyway!!! and then I had to wait like OVER HALF AN HOUR MORE for the next one and i didn't even get ON the trolley till like 12:50 and it was soooo late before I was back at mads's place aiyaa. But, all in all, TRULY SUCH A GOOD NIGHT I JUST LOVE BEING IN AN ACTIVE BUZZY FANDOM SPACE AND MEETING FANS AND PARASOCIALING AND DANCING AND SINGING AND DOING ARTS N CRAFTS. you KNOW?? you know. you're on tumblr you get it.

The Philly to Jersey (pre-NYC) leg of my road tripping was set to be Thee shortest drive I had to make the whole time, so I let myself have time in the morning to keep snoozing and fucking about, even though I once again woke up way earlier than I'd hoped to and didn't ever make it back to sleep after that. But the tradeoff was still super nice and relaxing vibing with Madeline--I offered to buy her breakfast in exchange for the couch-crashin' and we got hella bagel sandwiches and cold brew from a place real close by her apartment, and scarfed 'em down while watching the most recent ep of Make Some Noise and just shooting the shit (again, largely about either fandom or kitty cats. We are simple folk). My sandwich contained salmon, a fried egg, and the most incredible sloppy caramelized onions, what a banger. The last truly good food I truly enjoyed before my mega super Travel Tummy set in and wrecked my whole shop metabolically speaking, rip. I took a little rinsy-rinse shower at her place too, and then finally made myself get up and Go to do the runaround silly business of driving to and parking in NJ, taking the ferry in to Manhattan, and then taking the subway to Allegra's place for NIGHT THREE IN NEW YORK CITY WOOOOO. I LOVE going to E E with Allegra!!!!! Once again I used her place primarily as a spot to change out of my car clothes and into my gig clothes (it's RDF night; I wore an oversized pale beige button-up shirt, actually left over from my Foals Antidotes costume from last halloween hahaha, gussied up with E E pins and jewelry) and to fuck about with bracelets. I made Allegra a special In Birdsong bracelet, the only one I did from that song :) because allegra is my special E E friend!! and she needs one of her special song!!! Fandom... is good. Allegra also had a kickass outfit. We stopped in at a tex-mex place she really wanted to try that was nearby the venue, and i got pretty nervous that it was gonna be a little late before doors for us to be hitting a sit-down dinner spot, but we rushed it along pretty well on the food and got our slice of dessert cake to go in a box and everything was A-OK. And I had time to hit a bodega for merch cash from the ATM and a pineapple soda for fortitude! let's GOOO irving plaza.

God, Irving was kind of a shitshow when it came to queuing and security though. There were a fair few people in line ahead of us, maybe just as many or slightly more than what I'd had in DC (definitely further back than Philly, although in line near us were the same also-eating-Dominican-food couple from the Philly gig, and I recognized them and was glad to see them again-- I FULLY DO NOT REMEMBER/DID NOT CATCH Y'ALL'S NAMES, AND I FEEL TERRIBLE BECAUSE WE HUNG OUT AND WORKED TOGETHER SO MUCH, i am so sorryyyyy), but then because it's not a sweet local friendly indie venue but is in fact Livenation As Hell, there's some person affiliated with the venue wandering up front offering some sort of VIP/fast pass line experience where you can just cough up some extra cash and get in your own special line and get to go in first regardless of how long other people have been queuing--you know the deal. Wack as hell. I think David and Amanda opted for this in some capacity, so I was happy for them about it, but a lot of the other people who ended up doing it had kind of rancid vibes of just like "concert-going" and not the very lovely communal sardine megafan energy everyone else had had thusfar. Also it put us where we were at in the queue standing in a place that just had a really terrible smell of sewage, which persisted almost the entire time we were there only to suddenly be replaced by a very powerful smell of bleach, as if whatever it was was suddenly being cleaned/sanitized. ICKY!! Annika was enough further ahead of us in line that I thought it might have only been over where we were but she said no she was definitely getting it too. new york city babey

Bracelet distribution got a little silly here, too, since the queue was wrapping SO far back and was being policed a little more stringently, but I had kind of figured I may need some kind of additional plan, especially since I'd decided not to wear my fanny pack (bum bag--fanny pack, says Jonathan Higgs in a derisive American accent, even as he's telling me he likes mine a lot, skdjshgalkj smh) since my shorts under my shirt had really capacious pockets and that just made for one less thing to worry about--I snagged a sheet of paper at Allegra's place, along with a gallon-size ziploc bag, and I put all the bracelets in there with a note that said to just take one if you wanted one and pass it back through the queue while we waited. It was kind of a crapshoot how effective I thought this was going to be, especially since I had to kind of wait to deploy it once there was a substantial queue BUT by the time there was a big queue it meant that I couldn't see exactly HOW big from where I was near-ish enough to the front, so I didn't know how far the bag was going to make it, if someone was going to end up stuck with my whole big bag at the back of the line (esp since I had a fair number of extra Philly bracelets left over that I lumped in with the NYC ones just because I still Had them).... whew...! BUT by the time Marty was there, he was further enough back from me that I asked him to kind of check up on it when it made it to him and keep passing it; and, by the time we were going inside, I could see zero sign of the bag itself but I DID catch a lot of people milling around me wearing bracelets, and one or two of them did stop me to thank me (since I'd indicated on my note in the bag that I was the person with green hair hahaha), and then I never saw 'em again, so I guess it was a relative success!! Yayyyyy!! WAY less conducive to making New Line Friends than the DC/Philly setup had been, but incredibly effective at making sure that all my bracelets found new homes rather than me having to take a huge handful home with me again and them just sitting in my house forever LOL. success! :)

tl;dr about the bracelets. not important compared to concert and band. WE GO INSIDE!! They have such dumb security/bag check. a gender-split process where the men get patted down by a dude guard and the women get patted down by a lady guard? In TYOOL 2023? you hate to see it. She felt the Sharpie in my back pocket and made me take it out and surrender it???? MY METALLIC BRONZE SHARPIE ? ? no sharpies in the venue I guess. Talked to at least one other person who got sharpie-confiscated too, but also at least two people who fully didn't and still had markers just fine. Absolute shenanigans. Allegra and I didn't quite get barrier due in part to fastpass line nonsense but we did end up right exactly behind Annika &co. with perfect sightlines, once again stage-left/Jeremy-ward-of-center. we don't hate it! my Philly pals to my left with David, Becky et al in front of them. Me fully surrounded by redheads. LOL.

this was the laaaatest show of my whole run, a whole lot of standing around just waiting for Band, and also definitely the energy of "trying to politely vibe to pierre kwenders's set because he can clearly see me and look straight at me even though I would much rather just skip to the bit I actually came for and don't necessarily need to see his set" just slowly increasing every night RIP lol. BUT WE MADE IT! ohhhh new york. EXACT same set as Philly but I couldn't even be mad about it because I was still so grateful to get a Man Alive song that wasn't just MY KZ (not that I don't love my kz obviously, but it HAS been in the set literally all eight times that I have seen E E live as of this Irving Plaza gig, and something else from that album is fun fresh delicious) (OH, SWEET THREEP OF FRIDAY EVENING, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW) and to be getting COLD REACTOR again, especially becaussseee by this point I knew just enough of the lyrics that I felt confident singing/mouthing along conspicuously with the parts that I Did know, aka I See You Sir I'm Doing The Thing Just Watch Me, god I wish I knew how to be not so fucking extra but then again no I don't. we did get saddled with some Rather Annoying audience members in our near vicinity--a couple I'd spotted in the fastpass line earlier wedged themselves hard between me and my tall redhead/mask-wearing homie from Philly, all like "ummm we're short :)" because they. were, but that didn't give them a right to be pushy and rude, and their vibes were kind of shit because the sense I got was they were mostly there because the girl really loved the band and the dude didn't know much about them at all, and also they were already drunk so early on in the set, and they were talking loudly with some other fans they'd just met and getting Lore™ explained to them and it was just a lot of. loud talking and shoving. in my vicinity. when I would have preferred for there to. not be. BUT Also materializing behind me was someone who said "I saw your bracelets on twitter do you still have any!!" and I had to be like UHHHH FUCK, NO, I turned them loose into the queue, did they not make it as far as you..?? and she sadly said no, and I was like, well the only one I have left is this one I just left on for tradesies/advertising purposes, and it says "akon in the butterfly house" so that's kind of a deep cut, if you're familiar-- and she went WAIT REALLY and seemed SUPER jazzed to get a Dave Sardine-ass bracelet and I was like OKAY YOU KNOW WHAT, GOOD, ACTUALLY, because I'd made four of these and I knew they were going to be the deepest cut/hardest sell and I was really really hoping that whoever ended up with them would actually get and appreciate them. so thank you, andrea, for being that person, and for appearing exactly when the bracelet needed it most. so glad to have hung with you this night. sorry that you too found yourself among the ranks of the sharpie-confiscatees.

ANYWAY, OTHER THAN THAT, THIS AUDIENCE WAS FIRE AND THIS GIG SLAPPED. We were finally in a space and an environment that REALLY lent itself to the crowd actually full on bouncing/dancing instead of just kind of wobbling and vibing and everyone in my immediate zone was really going hard. I LOVE this fucking BAND. I love every song by this band. I love when Jon just points the mic at the crowd and the entire crowd sings the whole song word for word and note for note. I love that Jon was still desperately trying to cram the name of the host city into the start of My Kz, despite the fact that "Washington" subs for "Lucifer" perfectly (he has done this both times I've seen them in DC lol) but "Philadelphia" is WAY too stupid long and "New York City," while a syllable shorter, scans metrically in an extremely busted way and you could have just said EN WHY CEE or. y'know. lucifer. but okay man you do you. Jon was just as rowdy as the rest of us lmfao. he was like, climbing up and down off Mike's riser, he was finding people who were taking photos/videos and staring directly into their cameras (me fucking included--I'm sorry, Jon, you can't make eye contact with me while singing the "When I saw you, I fell in love" part of Leviathan, I am pretty sure that is illegal and a crime against my humanity), and basically all the tracks from Get To Heaven (plus like, Cough Cough and NOTLK) blew the fucking roof off the place. I think he donked some My Kz lyrics hehehe he just skipped to the alt lyrics of the chorus too early without completing the standard chorus first at the end, and a little flubbo in NOTLK and a tiny stutter in No Reptiles too, everyone was just TOO ROWDY and he's THROWN LOOPY and man did we not care. I said multiple times to people on this tour that pretty much the closest things I've ever experienced to true Religion are a) being in an E E audience for No Reptiles and b) being in a Hedwig audience for Midnight Radio. they're the same spiritually in my heart and also like do people who love Jesus feel this way and is this why. insane. the cult leader imagery was Not Wrong!!!!!

I wanna MERCH! I got in the line not too long after the show wrapped, but true to reports I'd heard about the pre-show merch line, it was moving verrryy slowly, with just one guy manning it who was not exactly quick and a card reader that seemed pretty chuggy too (but hey, at least NY was taking card). I'd known I wanted the poster--it's got my favorite neon orange on it, it really really slaps, and I wanted something to get signed--but I let myself talk myself into a t-shirt too, mostly because I was REALLY excited to buy E E merch apparel that wasn't black or white. Yellow!! a really freaking good yellow!! I wish the yellow ones had actually had the tour dates on them like the black and white ones did but the yellow branding has been pretty exclusive to this leg of tour (i.e. vs the red branding of the west coast one last year) and it looks soooo good with my hair that I don't especially mind. I also knew that Adrian wanted a copy of Caps Lock On, but that he also wanted a shirt, but I hadn't heard back from him about which shirt or what size so I just got the book and my stuff and then bounced. Communique from outside was that Alex had surfaced but no one else, but that Alex had promised appearances by the rest of them, but that also Alex was already gone and unlikely to return by the time I made it outside. I posted up with all my friends from inside, god this was SUCH a good sardine squad this night, and it took some waiting but eventually the promises came true! All the other boys surfaced and we had some REALLY great fan chats and mingling this tiimmmmee. oh my gosh. A guy came with a Modern Bison CD that Jon and Jeremy were really truly overjoyed to see and to sign and take pictures with; I talked to Jeremy about the bracelets some more because he'd been wearing the one I gave him the WHOLE GIG IN NEW YORK SO LIKE THAT'S GONNA BE IN ANY PHOTOS THAT WERE TAKEN PROFESSIONALLY SPEAKING, oh my gosshhh, he was so nice about it and enjoyed that his Arch Jeremy matched my Arch Emily, the vibes were impeccable; and then I got everyone to sign my poster, but of course Alex was gone already, so Jon offers to forge Alex's signature and goes "look it's like this" and draws some loopy scribble on there and I'm like, lmao, sure.

thing was... I had absolutely heard Jeremy signing something for someone else the night before talking about how he was getting really good at forging Alex's signature for him, since I guess it's normal for him to be the one that disappears the sneakiest (god he really is just the Justin Craig of this band, it's 1:1, huh), and so when I told Jeremy this, he was like "I'll do it" and I was like "no Jon did already do it" and he was going to just leave it then, like, oh, well, okay, but then he saw the mess Jon had made and he was like "--that's quite dreadful actually-- the trick is to not overthink it--" and so now my poster has two forged Alex Robertshaw signatures and zero authentic ones. l m f a o. (To be fair, I do have other things they've all four signed, and Jeremy's fake Alex is at least passable, and Jon's fake Alex is Absolute Dogshit Nothing. I am obsessed.) I even got Peter to sign! He was talking with another fan about a gift she'd given them in the past that had sadly been part of what they lost in their studio fire, it was really heartbreaking to hear. He also thanked me again for his bracelet and told me he planned to give it to his daughter and that she would love it. We took a pic together! Pete the GOAT.

While I was making the rounds with the other boys and other fans, Allegra mostly in tow, swapping sharpies among those of us who still had them, Becky was back with Jon, taking a couple videos for people who weren't there in NY to talk about stuff that they were curious about--I think in the context of Maria, Becky said something like, she thinks the hair is crazy, and Jon said into the camera something like, "If you think it's crazy Now, give it like two or three more weeks, and you're really gonna think it's crazy." SIR WHAT. If the blond is a precursor to something else happening I'm gonna be so the opposite of normal about it, and if the bleach is a stepping stone toward the boys dyeing their hair Other colors I am going to be PROFOUNDLY NOT NORMAL ABOUT IT, AND IF ANY MEMBER OF THE MANCUNIAN ROCK BAND EVERYTHING EVERYTHING HAS THEIR HAIR DYED GREEN ANY TIME IN THE NEAR FUTURE I AM GOING TO BE ABSOLUTELY COMPLETELY INSUFFERABLE. tyler the creator unfollow me right now etc. etc. etc. The more I've thought about it I don't THINK this is what's up--my sense is that any Cold Reactor music video is probably already filmed and ready to drop alongside the single pretty quick after the tour ends, rather than being something they're going to film/put together entirely post-tour, so they probably needed the bleachblond for some energy similar to how I felt about them when they first walked on stage in DC, but Oh man...... OH MAN............ I digress. anyway.

following up from that, Allegra (I think? Or maybe still Becky and allegra was just Present) addressed the notion of the hair being related to the Lore, and like, did that mean lore for the single/the upcoming album ? ? which was what we were assuming, and Jon said some demented and ominous and extremely exciting phrase like, "The lore for this one is.... b o t t o m l e s s" in his always-startling real deep Jon voice, and that was the fucking sound bite of the evening, folks. FOLKS. ALLEGRA AND I WENT ALL THE WAY BACK TO HER APARTMENT JUST CONTINUALLY SAYING "THE LORE IS BOTTOMLESS!" my body is so god damn ready.

We bid farewells to all our friends for whom NYC was their final stop on this tour!! SAD!!!!!! Going to miss all the homies T___T it's not fair that we're not just all going to every single stop on this tour I don't think? it should actually be illegal for us not to be present when the band is performing?? the hugest RIP. Hugs exchanged all around. Me trying to say bye to Jon but he's engaged with someone else so I think I just awkwardly said "See you tomorrow" twice and then we left. becky maaaybe trying to last minute scramble to also come to pgh now despite not really having accounted for it in her plans originally ? ? I was not certain what she intended here but I supported her. yes. me, annika and AG for sure being there at least. we ride. Back to allegra's where I did, unfortunately, sleep ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLY/BASICALLY NOT AT ALL due to being so hot and stuffy in my little nest on the floor that it was making me nauseated, I think I got maybe 2.5 hours tops, but I didn't really have a choice because if I wanted to be back home in time to do ANYTHING other than just rock straight over to the queue for Thunderbird then I knew I was going to have to leave so GOD DAMN early in the morning to haul ass back to where my car was and then drive the seven hours to pgh. But I did exactly that!!!! bitch!!!!! Other than some issues like, managing to make a timely pit stop for gas/potty/coffee, I endured the miserable long roadtrip despite myself, raging my way through the poconos, downing the largest cold brew Wawa would sell me, having a truly tragic car vs quesadilla incident, etc. My BFF Francis even got on the phone with me for the last hour or so and we chatted and I got to give them the whole update on the tour thus far, so fun! They MIGHT try to go to the Chicago stop next week!!! if they feel like they can swing it, and I was like ok no pressure but also it's been an extraordinary experience for me thusfar and I highly recommend. So if you see Francis at E E Chicago please holler at them kindly from me!!! :) But at the very least they said they did want a T-shirt and venmo'd me money to buy them one, since I was already still gonna have to get one for Adrian. woooooo

I got home with, yeah, basically exactly enough time to shower, get my outfit together, and regroup before heading to the venue !!! I JUST BARELY missed the bus that would've gotten me there the most promptly, largely due to not being able to find another fucking Sharpie since irving plaza took my first one lmfao, and it ended up being quicker to walk there than to wait the 36 minutes it would've been for another bus or whatever. I still had MEGA travel tummy so I just snagged an apple and scarfed it down on the walk over. Annika was already there queuing! so we hung out in line together and waited and drank the waters we had definitely brought in from outside the bar and just vibed lol. and she was like, I heard them checking two new songs that haven't been in the setlist yet, and I was like ha ha lol like what, and she said, kevin's car and leave the engine room.

and listen, I was optimistic. that my social media obnoxiousness and well-known, easily observable public desires might yet sway them, because come on it's my hometown and it's the last show i'm gonna see on this tour and I sent them donuts, and those were MEANT as a KINDNESS and an ENTHUSIASM FOR DONUTS and not as a bribe, but if anyone wanted to interpret them as a bribe anyway whomst was I to say no, but like. just because I want the band i like to do a thing absolutely does not mean that they have to fucking do it. I want to be crystal clear that i have never at any point EXPECTED them to do this. i just. hoped. yearned in my heart of hearts. and also had very sound rationale for how possible/likely it was. Here's How Engie Room Can Still Win. yfm. but the soundcheck all but confirmed it in my soul for me. and I was like... glad, that she'd been there and caught it and could tell me about it, because it gave me time to like, come to terms with the reality of it, emotionally. AAH. AAAAAHHH, OKAY. BITCH, PLIABLE HEAD, IT'S ALL HAPPENING.

we lingered and watched the queue form behind us-- I spotted a kid I'd seen at the Philly show, god bless. Everywhere we turn, repeat customers. I was telling my work friend today, I feel like the US fanbase for E E is significantly smaller than the UK audience, but we make up for it in that we go fucking hard. Every US fan is a superfan. there are no half-assed american sardines. and that has been so BEAUTIFUL and means the WORLD to me to be sharing it with the other ones of you. Bracelet sharing rocked at this gig!! I had exactly as many as I'd set aside for Pittsburgh and no more, since all my spares had evaporated up at Irving, A new person ALSO HAD BRACELETS!!! LIKE, for realsies Made For Trading At This Show Specifically bracelets, it was suuuuch a delight, so in addition to my eclectic collection from the previous gigs I now also have one that says RAW DATA FEEL with some truly choice glow in the dark bric-a-brac on there as well, and my heart was so warm aaaaaah. fwiendship :) Also spotted in the pre-doors queue were the Pizza Boy costumed guy and a woman I met at Foals in 2019?? who I guess automatically recognizes me because of the green hair, but just. omg. the community!!!! I'm dying!!!!!!

There was a slight will-call kerfuffle that nevertheless did not stop me from being dead center dead at the front right in front of where jonathan's mic was destined to be, and I was like. god. here we go. the home stretch. This was ABSOLUTELY the WORST place to be to be pretending to be interested in pierre's set, because he kept looking straight at me and dog I gotta admit four shows in I was feeling pretty tired. like, the energy of E E Itself was going to fully reinvigorate me, but nearly everything else on the planet was like totally disinteresting and I wasn't really up for it, especially when it's my semi-sex-repulsed ace-spectrum ass being just really put off by the suggestive gyrations of a performer that is not to my tastes. UM SORRY BYE HAHA. they didn't even play the one song I kind of liked. I managed to miss like two and a half songs of his set being still locked in the merch line at least lmao. literally WHILE I WAS STANDING IN THE MERCH LINE they sold out of the yellow shirt and I couldn't get me and francis matchies so I had to get them the black instead :( but thankfully they still had the one Adrian wanted because idk what I would have done if I had to scramble for a plan B with him on short notice haha. and I had EXACTLY enough cash for the two shirts left from the day before and I was paying Tour Manager Sam with it like oh my gosh I'm so sorry this is like my sweaty pocket cash from last night this is kinda gross and she was just like, No actually that's honestly exactly how I've been rolling as well and it is kind of gross so like agreed hahaha. She's the best. Idk how long she'll be tenured to them but I'd love to see her continue to exist in like their coterie moving forward. impeccable vibes.

also used merch waiting as a way to distribute more bracelets and get a drink of water! WOOHOO NOW I AM READY TO RECEIVE MY COMMUNION THANK YOU. they put the setlists down and there was a very small fraction of me that wanted to avert my eyes but like I. I had to know. and annika said yes there are new songs in the list. and I peered into the list and my song was there.

hey guys. hey guys? look, this was for me. I have to be honest with you. i manifested this. by being annoying on twitter. by being god's specialest costume-making donut-gifting bracelet-slinging weirdo. I'm owning it and it's mine. I was exactly EXACTLY right with "well, if they put Engine Room in they'll probably take Leviathan out, because they'd kind of fill the same role of slow moody song in the set, and then they'll probably swap in a different non-Man Alive song to compensate for Engine Room being there instead," and this is exactly what happened, and so then not only did I get Engine Room but I also got REGRET, WHICH IS ALSO AN EMILY THREEPWILLOW PLIABLE HEAD SONG, BECAUSE HERE THESE NERDLORD KINGSHIT BANDBOYS ARE IN MY GODDAMN BACK YARD, they're in my house and god it took me the whole fucking set up to then to just prepare, like I had to try not to think about it so I could enjoy what was right in front of me. God it was so fucking, fucking good. our position along the stage had Alex's stuff REALLY forward in the mix which was kind of new for me, but jon was just right there and every time I lifted my hands to dance and to yearn it was like, the only thing stopping me from touching you is my own sense of propriety and not any kind of physical barrier or distance, and the person immediately behind me was seeing the band for the first time and felt similarly about NOTLK as I did to Engine Room and those two songs were literally back to back in the set so we kind of screamed and cried and died together, I gave her a huge hug, and LOL SORRY NOT SORRY THAT I GOT MY KZ AND LEVIATHAN TAKEN OUT OF THE SETLIST FOR Y'ALL, PITTSBURGH, I DO FEEL KIND OF BAD BUT THIS WAS UMMM IMPORTANT TO ME, THANK YOU, goodbye. goodbye I left the planet. I thought I was going to cry and I nearly did but I didn't, but I did actually maybe start hyperventilating. like I'm glad I knew it was coming ahead of time because if it had been a full surprise I think whatever was happening to my lungs would have been exponentially worse and I may have even fainted.

(which, btw: jonathan. jon. when he came out on stage, he almost immediately got his mic cable caught on the edge of where his setlist was taped down, and in jerking it around, he whipped the setlist up off the floor and way upstage toward where Pete was; when he finally put it to rights and taped it back down, he just left it where it was at, far enough away from me that I definitely could not read it anymore; and like DID YOU DO THAT ON PURPOSE? TO MOVE IT OUT OF MY LINE OF SIGHT, TO MAYBE KEEP ME FROM READING IT? SURELY YOU HAVE TO KNOW THAT I'D ALREADY SEEN IT LIKE 15 MINUTES AGO. NICE TRY BUT IT'S TOO LATE I SAW EVERYTHING. i love him. i'm in physical pain.)

knowing this was my final one, I went so, so, incredibly hard, I let myself dance and mosh and scream and take way more pics and videos than I had before, I leaned on the lip of the stage, I had an absolute fucking blast. When the set was over a few other people who were more strategically positioned (i.e. people who had not had their most easily accessible setlists unceremoniously yoinked several feet away) snatched up the closest ones way quick; there was a general tension in the crowd at being able to see jon's, but it being further away out of reach, and one ballsy-ass kid (the "Kevin" person who'd accompanied the pizza boy person) actually clambored up onto the stage and ninja'd over and took it for himself, which inspired two copycats to do the same for some discarded guitar picks (and all of which definitely provoked a very loud, unimpressed, authoritative barking of "HEY!!!" from some security somewhere, like, they definitely shouldn't have done that!! yikes!!!!). I, instead, very patiently waited for an opportune moment to get the attention of their short king guitar tech as he was running around doing teardown, and someone else flagged him first and got pete's setlist, and in my final moments I got him to get me mike's. Gang, I'm gonna be real with you, I was not leaving my Pittsburgh hometown show in which they played Leave The fucking Engine Room without a setlist. there would've been blood or at the very least tears. so like. thank god lmao. Satisfied, we got some water and then headed out!!!

It was a long, chilly wait for the boys outside--god, the chilliness was REFRESHING, though, it's October for crying out loud, and DC and Philly and NY had all been muggy sweaty hot with no need for even long pants, much less a jacket, but I was glad I'd had the forethought to wear my flannel around my waist to cover up the YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT printed around the ass of my shorts on my walk over to deter questions, lmfao. We easily identified the spot on the side of the venue where we assumed the guys were coming out, it was all just a matter of time. (AG and I getting some confusing-to-parse messages from Becky? Idk my phone was SUPER dying so I was trying to leave it on airplane as much as possible, I didn't even make it to the end of the night, RIP needing to use my map all day in the car and even with it plugged in spending more than I was juicing of the battery. Listen i needed PICS and VIDEOS!!) I saw Jon first, and he almost looked past me before spotting me there because I was pretty close to the corner of the block, and I just stared at him, and said, May I hug you. and he said, of course! and I hugged him so long and so hard just like, thank you, I was extremely emotional then and I'm also getting extremely emotional now just typing about it, and he was like omg haha what for? Coming to your town? and I was like coming to my town and playing my SONG!!! And then he said something with the tone of a snarky teasy joke but that was like flusteringly truthful underneath about them legitimately rearranging the set quite a lot for me, and I have not stopped screaming internally since then, and Jeremy joked that I'd just seen the exact same set three times and they felt they ought to give me at least something new ha ha ha but like it wasn't entirely a joke, and I just don't even know how to process this. i am perishèd in the soil. anyhow.

I wanted both my setlist and my Supernormal EP vinyl signed by all the boys, and I managed this with relatively little doing ("A deep cut!" jeremy remarks of the supernormal, haha), but I didn't want to be crowding them and getting in the way of other people getting lad time, so I kind of took a backseat and just talked when the time was right, but Jon did kind of keep wanting to talk to me. We talked about the new song, and we talked about the donuts I sent over--oh my GOD, because I was like, they're from that place over there, you can see the big neon donut sign from here! haha, and he was like dyou know what, I knew that's where they were from, because I went over there earlier in the day and got one for myself, I got a huckleberry one and I came back with it and everyone was like, what's that, they were very jealous, and then not too long after that this box of loads of them just shows up-- And like I am a donut fairy psychic wizard. Also everyone who is ever in Pittsburgh should go to Oliver's donuts and eat their fabulously good products. I will shill for them literally any day of the week. This is the second band I have given Oliver's to this year. I cannot be stopped. ANYWAY. i honestly almost could have written that prediction on an envelope and sealed it, that they'd end up wandering in there on their own only for me to send them some too. i was so tickled that jon got the huckleberry one because it's their signature flavor and it's SO PINK and allegra and I had just decided the night before that jon higgs is hot pink coded. like, in the universe where they are dyeing their hair multicolors for the lore. anyhow. it's good shit.

i had SO much fun after this show, even though it was so chilly and dark and we were scrungling around on a literal street corner outside a wine and spirits store, I was like holding people's things so they could get pics and signatures, I was showing off my supernormal booty shorts, I was talking to Jon about lore----- ohhh, my god, I had exactly two bracelets left when the night was over, literally the end of my stash, and it was one Final Form FIRST BODY LAST BODY that I said, y'know, I'm going to save this for my bestie francis when I send them the shirt, because that's the lyric I wanna get a tattoo of, and it'll match with my PLIABLE HEAD bracelet, and it'll be another sort of besties matching thing; and my one lone AKON IN THE BUTTERFLY HOUSE bracelet that remained, where I'd kind of said, well, if this one doesn't find the right home tonight, then at the end of the night I'm going to give it to Jon too. So I dug in my bag and passed it off, and he was like "what does this one say.... kon... Akon... Akon in the house--what is--OH AND THERE'S A LITTLE BUTTERFLY ON THERE, God--" and he was GRINNING and he was SO TICKLED BY IT and Jez chimed in with just like "The attention to detail--" and Jon was like "this is my favorite one actually," he LOVED IT AND I WAS SO CHARMED AND EMOTIONAL ABOUT IT, and then he offered me up something like "you kno-ow, this, the song, of this, there's actually a reference to it in something, something you've never heard-- and--that you never will," doing his cryptic Jon troll grin, "the one thing that didn't make it," with the implied end of that sentence being "onto the album," and 'album' in this case being implied to be Raw Data Feel, which they have very publicly said that for once was an album where they just put everything on and didn't cull any songs or reserve any bonus tracks to release later or whatever. So I said, "Oh, from the one that we've been told had no cuts...?" also not explicitly saying RDF, and his answer to that was vague/nondescript enough but was probably an affirmative, but then he did follow that up with "that's lore that's SO far down the line, WAY WAY out there," and god, just, how deep does this man's brain and nonsense even fucking go. how far into the future is there LORE. BOTTOMLESS!!! I am obsessed with him. i cannot stress enough how blorbo he is to me.

The shorts came back up in conversation too ("Sorry, let me just look quite closely at your ass for a moment--" "It's okay, the shorts are designed that way--") and him saying, yeah, we do talk about some of the costumes still, and then segueing into asking if I had plans for this year and what I was doing, and I said, maybe, I'm not sure if I want to tell you, and he said, Is it to do with us, and I said, Neither confirm nor deny, and he said, Well if it's not, then, I want to know, with kind of a 'duh' tone ahahaha because like true there would be no reason to be coy if it was nothing to do with E E at all, and I explained that like I kind of have to have two costumes ("of course you do."), WELL because y'know the E E ones don't really play to or land with the general populace (a very cheeky "No!") so I have, just, one that's for going to parties, and one that's for fucking around on the internet. He seemed to find that acceptable hahaha.

Anyway what I REALLY wanted with wearing the Supernormal shorts was a group pic of all five of us normal frontways, and then a group pic of all five of us facing backward/ass to the camera a la the picture of them outside the White House, where you could see the goof of my shorts but also all of their butts, but this was an ABSOLUTE DISASTER TO DO when it was so dark that phone cameras were taking everything long-exposure, and also they'd all had just enough beer to not really be following on what the bit was. Absolute shit results on the backwards pic because I couldn't, y'know, see to coordinate it, because I had my back turned. (Me yelling, "Not just MY butt, EVERYONE'S butts, come on!!" into the streets of Lawrenceville.) Utter failure. Didn't care. I love these fucking guys. The vibe was finally kind of winding down, closing-time energy, the guys still had to get on the bus to Boston right away even with tomorrow being their day off, it was a Boston day off and not a Pittsburgh day off where I could offer them free ice cream sadly, so they all sort of bowed sweetly out. Jon gave me his like, I Am Part Of The Band clearance ID badge from the venue, kind of out of nowhere, he was like "sorry this is all I have to give you, it's the least I could do," and I was like WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU'VE ALREADY GIVEN ME SO M-- YOU COULD DO WAY LESS ??? but I guess now I have that, too. I tried to give him the King Of Oil sign from my fatberg costume, which I'd initially brought because I thought it would be a fun photo taking prop but the photo situation was the aforementioned disaster so that never really came to any fruition at all, so I was just going to gift it to them, and he said "My suitcase is already so full of so much random shit-- that you've given us--" and then right as he was leaving he just said "Thank you for being such a weirdo" with a voice full of all the kindness and affection in the world and I just yelled "ANY TIME!!" and then oh so tragically the night had to be over.

it's been nice, though, because I'm so used to driving the long drive home at the end of an adventure and having that signify the end, of getting to the end of the car ride and having nothing beyond that but the rest of my regular life; and this time, I drove all the way home, but when I got there, the adventure was still happening, right in my neighborhood, right down the street, and all I had to do was walk back home alone in the dark and climb into my own bed at the end of a long and beautiful night. i can already tell that this is going to be one of my most special memories basically forever, and now every time I drive or ride the bus to and from work each day I will be passing by the place where Everything Everything performed Leave The Engine Room for me, and that's so profoundly special that I don't even have words to describe it. I love this band, I love the people in it and I love the people its gravity pulls in to orbit around it, I'm just so goddamn happy. I don't even know what to say or how to end this.

[boozles]

Boozle's Top Ten Movies 2023

So, this was another list in my 2023 review that was super difficult to put together. According to my Letterboxd 2023 list, I watched 178 new movies this year. (Looking at all the dramas and movies I've watched, I honestly do not know where I found the time to consume so much content?! Working from home has its plus side, I guess?)

So, it's been a bit difficult to narrow my list of favourites down, but this is what I ended up with...

(i) Barabarian (2022, Dir. Zch Cregger) This film was NOTHING like what I thought it was going to be. Split into three tales that merge together to tell the story of one house and it's history, this movie managed to surprise me and be unpredictable at each turn.

(ii) The Outlaws (2017, Dir. Kang Yun-sung) This is the first movie in The Roundup series (the fourth movie is due out in 2024) and I have to say this is my favourite Korean action franchise. Ma Dong Seok is perfect, and the action sequences are mind blowing. It has the perfect balance of crime, action and comedy, and is a definite recommendation if you're looking for a good Asian crime movie.

(iii) Evil Dead Rise (2023, Dir. Lee Cronin) I absolutely love the Evil Dead franchise, and I had initially been a little wary at this sequel due to the fact they were taking the deadite insanity into an apartment block instead of the usual little cottage in the woods. I am so glad I was wrong, because this movie was probably the best horror to come out of 2023. The cast were amazing (Morgan Davies was a stand out) and it managed to feel like an Evil Dead film but with a fresh perspective.

(iv) Dark Harvest (2023, Dir. David Slade) Okay, I couldn't find a gif from the movie so y'all will have to make do with this still image. Now, I fully expected Dark Harvest to be a lame b-movie with terrible effects and a lame storyline, but I thoroughly enjoyed it! It managed to keep me captivated, and it was extremely aesthetically pleasing. I'd love a sequel with Emily returning to town.

(v) Five Nights at Freddy's (2023, Dir. Emma Tammi) Gosh, I was so happy when I enjoyed this! I am a huge FNAF fan (though for a while I kept it on the downlow due to Cawthon's support of Trump/the Republican party) and I adore the lore, as wild and complicated as it is. The movie really managed to keep me captivated, and kept me guessing, whilst still staying true to the original canon. I cannot wait for the second installment.

(vi) Guns Akimbo (2019, Dir. Jason Lei Howden) This was a wild and fantastic film. I love watching Daniel Radcliffe get further and further away from the HP movies and prove that he's a great actor. Also, I just love Samara Weaving.

(vii) The Meg 2: The Trench (2023, Ben Wheatley) Yeah, I'm surprised to see this on my list, too. This movie was just so much fun. That's all. The effects were great, the acting was pretty good, and I just like watching sharks take out humans. IF YOU DON'T WANT EATEN BY A SEA CREATURE, STAY OUT OF THE SEA.

(viii) Ichi the Killer (2001, Dir. Takashi Miike) I don't know why it took me over 20 years to finally watch this classic, but I ended up thoroughly enjoying it! The acting was insane, the story was batshit crazy, and the effects were fantastic. I'd expect nothing less from Takashi Miike, tbh.

(ix) Salo, or 120 Days of Sodom (1975, Dir. Pier Paolo Pasolini) Okay, hear me out - was this one of my favourite movies of the year? No, it really wasn't. However, it's the movie that has probably left the biggest scar on my mental psyche of the year, therefore I had to include it. I've been fascinated by Marquis De Sade ever since I saw Quills years ago, but I never watched this movie because I knew it would do something to my brain. If you've seen the movie (or even read the book), I'm sure you understand what I mean when I saw one chapter in particular REALLY fucked me up to the point I couldn't eat chocolate for quite some time afterwards, and I struggle to not throw up when cleaning my cat's litter box these days. It takes a lot for a movie to scar me in a way that makes it pop into my mind every now and then, and this movie did that. However, I'd like to add that the point of the film isn't just to shock, but I am terrible at witing coherent analysis. If you haven't seen this movie, I would suggest doing a little research before watching, just to make sure you can handle it; it is full of triggers that I don't even want to mention because I'll probably get blacklisted. But yes. Whilst it may not be a favourite of the year, it sure left a huge impact on me.

(x) Everything Everywhere All At Once (2022, Dir. Daniel Scheinert, Daniel Kwan) I think everyone loves this movie, but I was surprised at how much I loved it! The whole message of the movie is just so brutal and honest, and whilst I know that it's probably people of Asian heritage that can relate to it the most, I feel like we all can find something in the relationships that we can relate to. The cast were fantastic and I'm so glad to see Ke Huy Quan on screen again! Heartwarming, sad, and absolutely hilarious.

Honorary Mentions: (i) Midnight (2021, Dir. Kwon Oh-seung) (ii) Gonjiam: Haunted Asylum (2018, Dir. Jung Bum-shik) (iii) Glass Onion (2022, Dir. Rian Johnson) (iv) The Night House (2020, Dir. David Bruckner) (v) I Saw the Devil (2010, Dir. Kim Jee-woon)

[evansbby]

I'm so late but I just have to talk about my DILF story because I need y'all to know while many (maybe most tbh) DILFs are trash, there are some good ones out here!!!!

Okay so first of all you gotta meet the DILF organically and not on any dating app! Obviously my friends and many women have had bad experiences with even the DILFs they randomly met IRL but you still have a better chance than on Hinge so remember that babes <3 Put yourself out there and pray hard 😭

I met my DILF through friends of friends. I'm lucky enough to be friends with rich people who are popular and know everyone soooo I'm always meeting and interacting with all kinds of people. My friends are also freaky AF so meeting old men is a norm 😭 Atp, I don't even ask how tf they know these people lol. I'm just here for a good time!!!!

So a few years ago, I met this one DILF and he was unlike any guy I'd ever met (I never expected to meet a guy so amazing, seriously). First, I quickly realised he was autistic like me (my friends don't agree because they been hurt but autistic men do it better 😌). We automatically clicked and we became really close friends instantly. I was 21 when we first met and he was 39.

He has triplets but his ex wife (here's where I kinda got the ick: they were childhood sweethearts and dated their whole lives and I have dealt with too many men like that to not know better 😖) has full custody of the kids and are raising them with her fiancé at the time (they've been married a long time now), one of the men she had been cheating on him with and the one who got her pregnant 😗.

Anywayz he had been divorced for a few years already but I was sooooo scaredddd. We had insane sexual tension between us from day 1 that we tried to deny but we also had this friendship and bond..I didn't know what to do. And my friends weren't helpful 😒 They just wanted me to hop on his dick and get over with it smh.

One day a horny demon possessed me and I just started kissing him while I was chilling at his house 🙈 (I also stopped having sex when he entered my life sooo there's that). He kissed me back really hesitantly. Like he would kiss me passionately for a few seconds and then just stop as I kissed him all over his face and neck. After some time of him doing that, he pushed me off of his lap and said he doesn't wanna take advantage of me I'm much too younger than him etc (I was 23 and he was 41). Girlllll the horniness was really in control cause I really told this man "You can take advantage of me all you want" 😭 which left him speechless lmao

We ended up talking it out though haha and after centuries of me telling him "Yes I want this I want you the age gap isn't a big deal" we scheduled a date. The first date happened and he wasn't gonna have sex with me until a while after to show how much he respects me (his words) but I begged him like crazy 🙈 and after the first few dates where I was a huge tease hehe we made love in his bedroom. TMI but he was the first man I've ever met (didn't know they even existed....) to spend most of the time eating me out front and behind 🏃‍♀️ He worshipped my body and the foreplay was insane he really kissed all over my body so slowly and gently I came by the time he was making out with my thighs🏃‍♀️ He focused on me the entire time I knew I had to wife him up 😊😚

So we're married now. Really betraying my people for this beautiful white man 😖 We recently agreed that we wanna have kids soon 😌 So remember girlies you gotta manifest and believe in yourself. You can and will find a good DILF 🧚‍♂️

Your high standards will bring good things 💞 I have had the worst experiences with men you could ever think of and I was still able to meet my soulmate 😚 It will happen for you all I promise!!!!

WELL DAMN

Yeah, I think you hit the lottery with this rich and thoughtful dilf who sounds like he’s AMAZING in bed too 😭😭😭 OKAY WERK MISS Y/N

Also I’ve noticed so many of y’all are the ones who make the first move! I love that for you guys! Personally I’ve never made the first move bc I have the crippling fear of being rejected !! 🤠🤠 BUT MAYBE I SHOULD START MAKING THE FIRST MOVE SINCE IT HAS WORKED FOR SO MANH OF YOU 😂🥹

[zmediaoutlet]

abandoned(?) wip: the cult fic

Here's one that I really really really want to write because it was for a charity run and it is NOT the fault of the fic or the donator that I got hit with a depression meteor, nor indeed that somehow it was 'easier' to write a bunch of other fics instead of the charity fics that I still owe!! Ugh. The self is a real garbage pit sometimes. So hopefully let's call this one dormant and not abandoned, and so --

Big Idea: which isn't mine, bc charity fic as aforementioned, but -- Jared runs a cult and Jensen joins and there's lots of sexy sex. Pretty much. :) But because it's a cult fic, I really wanted to dive into that, which required plot [spits on floor], and it's really more now about like... lost youth getting wrapped up into a personality & lifestyle just for somewhere to belong. Like cult stories always go. It's an unusual fic for me in that I'd normally never do ageswap (even with J2 -- I prefer to keep them as is) and I don't actually have much interest in irl cults, but it's interesting as a stretch in that sense.

Why it was abandoned: because plot!!! Ugh. Plot is the worst, idk how people are like 'ooh I wanna get all involved in this murder mystery'. Yack. But if it's gonna have a plot it's got to work, and it also has to have a bunch of legible and interesting and not-quirky-stand-in characters -- like I want it to read like actual humans, not goofy nonsense a la the cult in Bad Times at the El Royale. So that requires some genuine thought and time put in and probably even a chart, and... #lazy writer noises. But I have some random scenes I think might be good already planned. Trouble would be if I could make Jared-the-cult-leader seem believable and not just like a doofy romance novel figure. My personal trouble with cults is that whenever someone's holding themselves up as a leader because of whatever mystical whatever I'm like, this motherfucker? Are y'all kidding? So I'll have to get over that instinct, lol.

Snippet:

"He renamed it when we came," Allie says, easy. She taps her thumb on the steering wheel, smiling. "He said Wildheart was more right, for what we were going to be." Jensen nods but he has no idea what that means. Whatever the name was before, the wild part at least is right. His grandpa had a farm, outside Dallas, and that was all neat rows, trimmed up hedges, smoothed-out roads with everything exactly in place. Jensen didn't mind it—driving it was easier, he thinks, as they're jolted by the Volkswagen rocking over yet another huge tree root—but it was… Well, it doesn't matter. He'll never see that farm again. He's about to ask another question when Allie turns, again, and the screen of oaks gives sudden way to—open air, a field. The sky opens up above them and Jensen leans forward, trying to see everything. They're on a dirt drive and there are—people, young, maybe his age or maybe Allie's, on the grounds on either side of the drive, working squared-off garden plots—tomatoes, in chickenwire cages. More that Jensen doesn't recognize as they roll past. A boy with red hair waves at the car and Allie waves back, grinning. "Good to be home," she says, to Jensen. Home, Jensen thinks, and chews his thumbnail, scanning the grounds. A medium-sized house, at the end of the lane, painted a faded yellow that needs redoing. On the west side of the house Allie pulls the Volkswagen up next to a purple Gremlin with messy handpainted yellow flowers on the rear hatch, a Cadillac with a rusted-out door and some kind of viney plant spilling out of the broken back window. "C'mon," Allie says, turning off the engine, so Jensen takes a deep breath and gets out of the car into the sunshine, holding his duffle up against his chest, looking around. No one's running up to bug them—the dozen people gardening are still gardening, down by the lane—and Allie flips her keys into her palm, comes around the hood of the car, touches his arm, soft. "Nothing be scared of, sweetie," she says, quiet even though it's just the two of them, and Jensen—believes her. He has to. He wouldn't have gotten into her car, otherwise.

[mydetheturk]

it has been something like. eight or so hours. and i am still trying to figure out how the fuck my eye doctor lost my glasses frames???

like. ive been going to the same eye doctor every year for the last like, six years or something like that. they have never once fucked up this badly.

timeline of events, from my pov under the cut because it got way longer than i thought it would when i first started this.

i go to the eye doctor, having set up an appointment like normal (late because its been a weird summer)

everything goes well until the very end, at which point the computer crashes and loses the data.

annoying, but its fine, i just have to go back in the next day and do it all over again on a saturday while they're busy.

go in again the next day. they're busy as hell, so i am there significantly longer than planned, because i'd set up for a late timeslot on friday for a reason (nobody wants to go to the eye doctor at 6:15 on a friday. trust me. it's great its so dead then.)

go through everything over again, i get a huge discount because i had to go through the inconvenience of coming back to the eye doctor. this is the best news, actually, because i hadn't totally been sold on getting new glasses, but i needed them because my old pair literally make my migraines worse.

the first indication that something was wrong was the fact that they didn't have any trial pairs of the contacts i wear.

This would not cross my mind until i picked up the new contacts a week later when they came in.

I try the contacts. Nothing is properly in focus, and i just think to myself, "oh its just cause i have a new scrip, it's fine, I'll get used to them."

i did not, in fact, get used to them.

About a week later, when my glasses come in, i make a mention to the guy fitting them that the contacts don't seem to be right. he tells me i've got plenty of time to bring them back in, they've got policies for stuff like "wrong prescription"

y'all i went to a friend's house on the other side of town two days later and came home via the bypass in the dark and i couldn't read the highway signs.

that's how badly they fucked this up.

i give it to the end of the week to be sure. End of the first pair of contacts, since i wear biweekly ones.

i go in on friday like "hey. this does not work, when can you get me in?"

and the lady at the front desk was like "well we've got a slot open right now if you've got time"

"nope, i only have until the end of the hour because I'm on lunch from work and i don't have either the contacts or the glasses with me right now. got anything for after (time i got off work that day)?"

"the doctor leaves at (time i got off work), will one of these slots tomorrow work?"

set up the appointment for the next day; i've got my glasses and my contacts and the eye doctor put me through a series of eye tests i'd never actually done before, which was kind of cool.

he was like "if you could shift your bangs back that'd be great, actually, i can't tell if you're squinting or not."

and i was like "well i'm doing my best not to but no problem."

appointment went fantastic, he even had trial contacts for me to put in. i almost cried the difference was so stark between the old scrip and the new one. (turns out the old scrip was just off enough it was giving me low-level headaches constantly. fun! not.)

so i leave the old contacts and the glasses with them to get the lenses replaced and for my new contacts to be ordered. (i looked at the eye chart they sent home with me cause i wanted to see the difference in the prescriptions. there should not be a discrepancy of over a whole number between the two. per eye.)

i picked up the contacts last week.

and now.

today.

this morning, i get two (2) texts saying my orders are in and ready to be picked up. sweet, i think to myself. i'll go pick them up later, get myself a treat while i'm out. grab something for dinner, etc.

i get there and its dead because its been raining all day. fantastic! it shouldn't take long.

i go in.

they're dead.

i let them know i'm here to pick up my order.

here comes today's first confusion: the guy at the desk is having trouble finding my order. which. okay. not a problem (yet).

so i sit and wait and fiddle around on my phone for several minutes while the guy hunts for my glasses.

I am slowly growing more and more confused.

another guy starts helping him out.

the first guy finds a couple of doctor-style ziplock bags and asks me if i have my frames with me.

"Nnnnno. I left them with you guys two weeks ago. I was assuming when I came in, my frames would have new lenses."

I am very confused now.

the gentlemen go on the hunt for my frames.

several more minutes go by, and i am increasingly incredulous and more confused.

i think to myself "did they lose my fucking frames????"

the first guy is sent to the racks of frames to grab a pair of frames that look almost, but not quite, like one of the frames i left with them. blue instead of brown.

the guy goes back in with the frames and i am fully invested.

because.

it sure as hell looks like they lost my fucking frames.

y'all.

they lost my fucking frames.

they got ahold of the lady who's been so helpful basically every time i've seen her and they let me know the situation.

tomorrow, she's going to look into the situation for me. see if she can't find my frames, and if she can't, replace them. gonna call and let me know tomorrow what the deal is.

they offered to give me the blue frames until they could find the frames i'd gotten originally - from THERE, mind you - and i was like

"i don't need the glasses to see. i wear contacts most of the time. my glasses are backups."

so i wasted a solid 45 minutes at the eye doctor today and i'm sure i'll still have to go in tomorrow to talk to someone because they mentioned potentially having to re-order the glasses frames from another store if they couldn't find my glasses.

this was at like. 2:45 this afternoon.

i'm still just like how in the hell did you lose them????

spoke to my roommates earlier about it and they were BOTH like "you are having a shit time with your eyes this year huh?"

and its just like

YEAH. YEAH I AM, ACTUALLY. CAN I GET OFF THIS ROLLERCOASTER NOW

just.

crhist alive

[xavidotron]

Hi Xavid! You want to know a funny, two-ships-in-the-night, interaction between people we would have never known? You reblogged a post from me a couple of days ago, and I ran The Importance of Being Convergent yesterday! I had such a blast playing that I wanted to say hi, and Tumblr is my social media of choice so I was scrolling to make sure you hadn't abandoned your Tumblr years ago, and saw my post and I just thought that was funny.

ANYWAY, hello! I just wanted to tell you how much I love Convergent. I've run it twice now (in February 2020 at Strategicon in LA, what was supposed to be the first of many, whomp whomp) and then yesterday at my house, and I and my players loved it. It's so well written and fun to play -- all of the characters are so inventive and fun and have amazing connections to each other, and I think the gem mechanic is brilliant as a "thing" for them to be doing.

Also, not for nothing, I appreciate how gender neutral and queer-friendly the game is -- it's hard enough wrangling twelve people to get together, much less twelve people in a specific gender arrangement (and doesn't exclude non-binary folks), and my friends circle is definitely one that appreciates being able to love anyone in a game without issue.

Yesterday they ended up elevating Earth above all others, and then Ceranest chose fka Quan Northwind to replace him as Ruler. By far the best moment in the game was when Ceranest and Cleric Alder had just gotten the entire room together for the Questions and were trying to get everyone to vote on the first one, and Cilac yelled "NO! I CHALLENGE MIM KINDRIL TO A DUEL!" And everyone gasped and Mim, who had literally NO idea she was part of a love triangle, was like "Wait, what? Me? Why?" And Cilac pointed to Essap and said "Because she says you mistreat your employee Burl!" So they rolled dice (Mim won, Cilac very dramatically acted out losing), they voted on the Questions, and as they were breaking back up Mim walked up behind Essap and said "Darrad?" and Essap turned around and said "Burl?" and they ran into each other's arms. Truly couldn't have written a better scene.

I don't know if this is something you would ever tinker with again for a publication or anything -- if you'd like I have a couple of very minor things I slipped into the briefing of my second running that I think made it run a teeny bit smoother, but I don't want to give notes if you don't want them.

Anyway, thanks so much for truly an amazing day of fun. I'll definitely be checking out your other LARPs. I think I'm running Bully Pulpit Games' "The Climb" at Strategicon next month (It's not a huge con, 6 players is about all you can absolutely count on to show up, especially as a newer GM without a reputation) but all of my friends who played yesterday said they'd love to do another one, even the people who didn't have any RPG experience at all, so I think I'm definitely going to get the gang back together again.

Cheers!

Sam

Thanks so much for writing! I'm glad y'all had fun! The Importance of Being Convergent is one of my favorite games I've written; it's actually pretty wild how well it's worked over its various runs given how it was written by two folks in a blizzard in 24 hours. It's definitely fun to see how differently different runs can go, and seeing people ham up their ridiculous drama.

I don't know that I'm likely to revise it substantially at this point, but I'd still be curious for your feedback, and if I'm inspired I might add something to the version on Itch.

Anyways, thanks for letting me know, it makes me happy that Convergent is still generating good times and origami butterflies after all these years!

(For anyone who's curious The Importance of Being Convergent is available for free here: https://xavid.itch.io/convergent)

[messedupfan]

The Hope of a Free World: The Mentor

Summary: After confronting Finnick about the rebellion, you are given the task of mentoring him in the 75th Hunger Games.

A/n: So a little explanation here. You do not have to read both "The Mentor" and "The Tribute" but you do have to read "Prologue." This is sort of my version of a Choose Your Own Adventure because I saw this going both ways when the request was made. You are absolutely welcome to read both versions of the story, but thought I'd let y'all know that you don't have to. I also forgot to warn y'all before but I'm a huge Everlark fan. If you stan Everthorne, not the fic for you.

Warnings: Violence, mentions of suicide, alcoholism, drug abuse, mentions of forced prostitution, rebellion, mentions of torture.

Masterlist | All Stories Taglist | The Prologue

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When the announcement of the Third Quarter Quell declared that the tributes would be pulled from the existing pool of victors, you were itching for a drink. No, you were itching for the drug you take when you have to entertain a client you don’t like. You wanted to feel numb. You didn’t want to think about having to experience the anxiety of a reaping once again. 

You don’t alter your mind to escape the harsh reality. As much as you want to. It still plays with your mind even though you knew this was going to happen. Finnick warned you that this is what their meeting in the Capitol was about. As soon as the broadcast is over, Finnick storms into your house and pulls you out. It needed to look real since your house was most likely bugged. You can hear Annie’s cries from the house they shared as he walks you over. She doesn’t know what’s going on, it’s for the best. According to Finnick, this was the only home in the Victor’s Village that had all of its recording devices removed. He made sure of it. 

He threw you on the couch as he began to pull on his hair and mutter to himself. He was really good at putting on a performance. “Mags,” he left and returned with the older woman a few minutes later. That was everyone Annie knew that he could trust in the district. 

Finnick doesn’t say anything coherent, mostly muttering to himself. He gives Annie a heavy dose of sleep syrup and he carries her to bed when it kicks in. “Okay,” he starts as he sits in front of you and Mags. No longer putting on the panicked act for Annie. Now she knows he’s talking to you and to Mags. That’s all she needs to know. “Here’s the plan, we’re going to train with each other to fight. But I’m going to need you to stop being anti-social. You haven’t mentored a winning tribute yet and I’m going to need your help in there.”

You nodded even though you hated that your contribution to the rebellion had to be talking to other people. “Well, I thought Mags was going to be there with me,” you remind them nervously as you fiddle with your medallion. 

Mags and Finnick exchange a look and your eyes bounce between the two as they both shake their heads. “Sable can’t be trusted. We tried to recruit her without her knowing but she is stuck in her ways. The Capitol hasn’t hurt her the way it has us. She wasn’t ever… desirable in their eyes so she doesn’t know what Snow does to us.” You scowl and shake your head. Even without being prostituted, you’d hoped that a fellow survivor of the Hunger Games would see that this wasn’t a way of life. “Annie… she isn’t an option. Mags is going to have to volunteer in order for this to work,” Finnick concludes. You nod. 

“Looks like we have a lot of work to do,” you say with a sigh.   

It was more than just combative training and learning how to charm sponsors. It was also learning about your escape out of the Capitol. Wanda even paid a heavy price to be allowed to see you one last time before the reaping just to show you the way the two of you, and anyone else you need to rescue, are going to make it out of there when the arena gets shut down. You couldn’t believe it when you found out that she was part of the resistance. But when she revealed that her motivations were the same as yours, it all made your heart flutter. Neither of you have felt free enough to say the words. Even without hearing her say those three words, you could hear it in the silence. You could feel it on the way home. You didn’t need much more than that for the time being.   

At the reaping your heart jumps with anxiety as your name is called. You stand forward as you wait for the process. Volunteers only occur after the reaping winner is introduced to the audience. You make sure to hold your head up high and only drop it when Finnick inevitably volunteers in your place. 

There is no time allotted for goodbyes. Which Finnick would have been okay with had they not denied Annie to join. She wasn’t mentally fit to take on the role of a mentor and according to the head Peacekeeper that escorted you, Finnick, and Mags to the train; it was an order given by the President that this year, they only needed one mentor for the tributes. You were still meant to mentor because you hadn’t successfully found your replacement. 

Finnick was nervous the entire ride to the Capitol. He knew that it was possible that Annie wouldn’t be allowed to mentor. She was exempt in the past since she was more unstable than others. They developed a system to give her the best life possible but she still held a reputation for not being all there mentally. He hoped that his allies in District 4 would be able to get her out of there. But there was no guarantee. 

You tried your best to comfort him but there wasn’t much you could do that wouldn’t give away the mission. That wouldn’t give away their private relationship. You didn’t want to risk exposing them, even if there’s a possibility that President Snow already knows. You weren’t going to do anything that will haunt you to believe it was you who confirmed his suspicions. 

Through the training period you are constantly meeting with Haymitch to gauge whether or not he’s been able to convince the Mockingjay and her boy with the bread to team up with your tributes. The three of you nearly jumped for joy when Haymitch informed you that the young woman chose Mags. None of you expected her to want to team with Finnick. His job was to focus on gaining Peeta’s trust. She wasn’t going to team up with anyone without his approval. 

Next came the time to shmooze the people in the Capitol placing bets and offering their support as soon as the Hunger Games started. You put every donation into your communicuff so you could eventually afford a gift to send. You pretended to accept many drinks and because you had been drunk plenty of times in the past, you knew how to play the part. Not as well as Haymitch of course. With Haymitch’s help, the two of you were able to get a few parachutes with supplies here and there but the prices are much higher this year since it’s a Quarter Quell and everyone wants to help their favorite former victors. You get lost in the act of cheering on your tributes on the screen and manipulating people into placing their money into your pockets. 

On the day that Beetee tells his remaining allies in the arena that he has a plan, you are promptly reminded why you're there to begin with. That’s when you started to get nervous. Knowing that you had to escape without being seen. If you failed, it could mean the end of you and you weren’t ready to sacrifice yourself for the cause yet. The whole reason you joined was to safeguard a future with the woman you loved. It was hard for you to focus, you were so on edge. You jumped every time someone approached you to hand you money to help your team. Any movement had your eyes scanning the crowd for a white suite with a black tinted shield on their helmets with guns pointed at you. There never were any. They remained on the other side of the doors that surrounded the room. The paranoia was eating you alive as if you were in the arena once again. 

When they started wrapping the tree with the wire, Wanda finally appeared from the sea of Capitolites. You didn’t know if she was ever in the room before that day but you were more than relieved to see her. “We have to go,” she whispered urgently as she grabbed your hand. You didn’t process fast enough to move so Haymitch tossed a drink in your face.

“I am so sorry, I can be such a clutz,” he grabbed you by your bicep. “Move,” he muttered as he smiled in the direction of the curious eyes that landed on the pair of us. “Nothin’ t’see here folks!” He slurred with a sloppy grin. He was drunk for so long that everyone bought the act. 

You began to move and follow Haymitch and Wanda. Haymitch was staggering so the two of you walked out of the area with him leaning on the both of you. The Peacekeepers almost didn’t pay the three of you any mind. 

Effie Trinket, the escort for District 12, trailed behind the two of you and she almost spoiled the escape as the Peacekeepers stopped her then asked the three of you to stop as well. “Excuse me, I am the only one with the key to the District 12 penthouse!” The Peacekeeper then asked why she couldn’t take Wanda’s spot in carrying Haymitch to his room and before you could stutter on a response, Effie was quick on her feet. “And risk flattening my feathers,” she scoffed as she clutched her pearls, “I think not!” The Peacekeeper apologized and let all four of you go.

At the first checkpoint, you and Haymitch discard your communicuffs so they can’t track you anymore. But that meant that the four of you had to move faster. They were made to alert authorities when prematurely removed. 

There was a little bit of a hiccup in the plan when a man approached Wanda, appearing out of nowhere. Stalling the four of you while he pulled her to the side to talk to her. You send Haymith and Effie off to continue to the rendezvous point as you stay back to ensure that Wanda gets there as well. The man's name was Vision, you overheard her when she asked him to let her go. There seemed to be some sort of history there. He looked like a government official. You couldn’t really tell what his significance was. But when he grabbed Wanda again and threatened to expose her, you did what life in the academy at District 4 raised you to do. He didn’t hear or see you coming when you came up behind him and snapped his neck. 

Wanda’s eyes widened but she shook her head and got back into focus. “Let’s go, we have to get out of here now.” You nodded and followed. When you got to the tunnel you were surprised to see a few of the other mentors there as well. You figured that they were on the side of the Capitol since their tributes were but each of them revealed their crackers with the mockingjay symbol on them. You did as well. There was a head count before every person could eat them to get rid of them. 

In the small gathering of people with a mix of mentors, camera crew, and what appeared to be Avoxes, Wanda recognized another man and this time she ran into his arms with tears in her eyes. You almost began to think that she had fooled you into believing that you were more than a purchase for her until she pulled away from him and you could get a good look at him. 

There was a small conversation once about him. Wanda had pictures of him all over her home and you once asked if she was married. She laughed at first but her expression fell as she realized you were holding a picture frame in your hand. She took the frame and placed it face down on the shelf as she muttered, “He was my twin before he became a traitor.” That was the last time you ever asked about him.  

Seeing her beam at him through her tears told you all you needed to know. Even if you were the reason she continued to be part of the rebellion, he was the reason she first sought them out. You couldn’t wait to be able to talk freely with her in District 13. You knew that there were many sides of her that you had yet to explore and you couldn’t wait to get to know her on a much deeper level. 

Once everyone boarded the stolen hovercraft you took a deep breath as you hoped that the plan in the arena went down as smoothly. But even if it didn’t, you knew that this was just the beginning of the new world. 

District 13 was strict. Each day you had a schedule tattooed on your forearm and you'd face harsh consequences if you didn't obey it. The meals were tasteless and the portions were less than you had gotten used to since becoming a victor. The training regimen was beyond what you were used to but it was the only thing about the district that you enjoyed because it was the easiest adjustment. Not to mention the times you got to spar with Wanda were some of the best foreplay the two of you got to experience. 

Unfortunately the two of you didn't get nearly as much time together as either of you hoped. Since you weren't married, they wouldn't let the two of you share a living space together. So she lived with Pietro, while you lived on your own. It was frustrating but you weren't willing to marry her over a distaste for the living arrangement. You wanted to wait until the country was free and so did she. 

The schedule allotted thirty minutes for family time. A decent break between the education and training for most of the citizens of District 13. You suppose it gave time to remind those who forget, what they are fighting for exactly. You and Wanda used that time to learn the sign language that the Avoxes use as communication. Wanda felt so disconnected from her twin because she couldn’t communicate with him the way she used to. Pietro was very patient and helpful when it came to the private lessons between the three of you. 

“I’m happy to have him back but,” Wanda sighed as she laid in your arms. “I wish I had done something to protect him.” 

You frowned as you lightly caressed her arm. You looked at her for a moment and admired her natural beauty. In District 13 appearance wasn't a priority the way that it is in the Capitol and certain districts. Wanda didn't need the wigs or the heavy makeup in order to fit in here. She finally got to be her true self. “There was nothing you could have done for him. If you had tried, you would have ended up just like him. You might not have even gotten here,” you tried to comfort her. 

Wanda sat up and faced you, “I um,” she looked down as she started to trace patterns on your chest. “I'm the reason he got in trouble in the first place.” 

You made a face, “How so?” 

“Vision,” she started and looked at the wall beside her. “The man you killed during our escape. He, uh, we were engaged. He worked in the government and he knew powerful people.” You nodded to show that you were following along when she did finally look at you. “And he witnessed Pietro committing an act of treason. He wasn't going to turn my brother in while we were engaged. I didn't know that he had seen Pietro do something illegal.” You rubbed Wanda's back as she spoke. It was clearly a difficult topic for her. “Vision never did anything out of the kindness of his heart. And he had a bit of a darkside to him that at a certain point, I couldn't handle anymore. So I broke off the engagement. He didn't even ask me to reconsider. He just showed up at my apartment the next day with a warrant and several Peacekeepers.” She closed her eyes as tears started to slip out. 

You shook your head as you wiped her tears. “If you had agreed to marry Vision, do you think you'd have been alive today?” Wanda thought for a second before she shook her head. “I think Pietro would tell you that you made the right decision. In fact, I'd put my money on that being the first thing he tells you when you can understand him. I mean, he was so incredibly happy to see you again. If he didn't care about you, he would have held a grudge.” 

“I suppose you're right,” she sighed as she rested against you again. The two of you fell asleep shortly after. And you were right. 

Pietro was eventually given a communication tablet because during a strategy meeting, he had written down brilliant ideas. President Coin and commander Boggs both agreed that Pietro needed to be able to speak up in a way that everyone could understand. Beetee developed a chip that was implanted in Pietro’s head. So the words appear on the tablet as fast as he can think them. He was even given options to either have it turned off completely or partially. Like if he wanted to have a private conversation, he could turn the voice option off and hand the tablet to the other person. And if he wanted to keep his thoughts private, he could turn the tablet off completely and not worry about a single thought being recorded or heard. 

The first thing he told Wanda was that he doesn’t blame her for what happened to him and that he is proud to see her as a happy and free woman. She sobbed and held onto him for the duration of the family time break.  

Finnick wasn't successful in retrieving both assets from the arena which made the progression of the rebellion slow down. He was able to get the girl out but not the boy. Johanna claimed that the girl was annoying before, but without Peeta she was insufferable. You couldn't imagine what she was going through. You were grateful that you weren't in her shoes. That you had Wanda with you. 

You tried to stay out of everything that concerned the Mockingjay and being a face of the revolution. You figured that the girl would snap out of it and realize that it was bigger than her. But eventually they started to look at you and Johanna. Finnick was willing to participate until the night that Annie was executed on live television at the District 4 Justice Building with four other confirmed rebels. The ones that were meant to help her escape the district. He tried to join her in the after life but you found him in time and got him to the infirmary.

You cried in Wanda's arms that night for the loss of your friends. You knew that Finnick won't ever be the same. 

So the responsibility of the propos fell onto you and Johanna. She was great at acting for the camera. You remember that’s how she was able to win her first games. No one thought the shy dainty girl from District 7 stood a chance in the arena until she got her hands on an axe. 

Most of her propos were filmed on a soundstage. She had a blue baton and fought against the soldiers dressed in Peacekeeper uniforms. Then she'd recite the lines perfectly. But there was something missing. You couldn't put your finger on it. But she wasn't inspiring. She was impressive. But she didn't have what Katniss had. And neither did you. 

You were a little more clumsy in your propo performances. You'd miss your marks and fumble on your lines. Luckily, with enough takes they were able to scramble something together. But it didn't have the fire it needed. It wasn't enough to inspire people to risk their lives for a cause that started to feel like it was dying. 

“It's not dying, it's just,” Wanda fails to come up with another term after you've expressed your concerns with her. She holds your face in her hands as she climbs onto your lap. Her eyes traveled along your face. She was searching for something. You didn't know what. “I can help you with your lines. Just, get me clearance to be with you during the day. You can do it. You can keep this revolution alive. I've seen that fire in you. You just need to have the right motivations.” 

You smirk, “I’m assuming that you believe that's you?” Wanda smacks your shoulder and you laugh as you kiss her cheek and trap her as she tries to escape your arms. “I'm kidding. I love you,” you said as you gazed into her eyes. Wanda froze in your arms. It was the first time you'd said the words out loud. She didn't know what she expected to feel when she finally heard those words from you, but she didn't expect to feel so much at once. She felt joy, she felt love, she also felt a deep fear. 

With tearful eyes, she leaned in and kissed your lips. “I love you too,” she whispered against your lips. The two of you made slow and passionate love that night. Telling each other how much you'd felt for each other. 

Wanda was right, with her as your director, you had the proper motivations for your filming. Plutarch was ecstatic with the new footage and things in the districts started to get rowdy again. People began to get motivated again. 

Things in District 13 started to feel a little more claustrophobic with the successes of your propos. Strangers would thank you and request autographs. Women would invade your personal space. Wanda would step in their way whenever she was around but she couldn't be by your side twenty-four seven. 

One of the times that a girl tried to kiss you, you were able to slip away and ran into an open vent to hide from her. That's where you found Katniss curled in a ball muttering to herself. “Sorry,” you said when she was startled by your presence. “I didn't mean to scare you, I just…” you cleared your throat and fiddled with your medallion. “I thought people here in Thirteen would have more boundaries than those in the Capitol but I guess horniness is a universal problem.” You tried to joke and you only got met with her glare. 

You nodded once and took a deep breath as you braced yourself for what you might face when you climbed out. But then a nurse started to call for Katniss. The girl curled up further and you instinctively blocked the nurse's view of Katniss with your body. “Sergeant, you shouldn't be in here,” the nurse grumbled. “Is Ms. Everdeen in there with you?” 

“I'm offended by that question. She is a married woman, and way too young for me,” you acted out dramatically. “I don't know if you’ve noticed, but I prefer someone a tad older than me. Don't tell her I said that though. She likes to keep her age a secret. But I mean come on simple math-” 

“What are you doing in there?” The nurse asked sharply as she interrupted your rambling. 

You hold up your medallion and the light of her flashlight bounces off of it. “I tripped walking and had to look for this,” you explained. “It's one of a kind. Couldn't risk losing it.” 

“Well since you've found it, you can leave. This is a favorite spot for the Mockingjay to hide. No one has seen her for hours,” the nurse explained. 

“Well, you're going to have to look somewhere else because she's not here,” you stressed as you stayed in your position. You were afraid if you moved, you would risk exposing that Katniss was also inside. 

The nurse turns off the flashlight and leaves. You listened to her heavy footsteps and waited until you couldn't hear her. “Why did you do that?” Katniss startled you. 

You yelped and held your hand to your chest as you dropped your coin. “Shit, Everdeen. Warn a person,” you patted the ground and your heart didn't stop racing until your fingers wrapped around the familiar metal. “I did it because I get needing a breather from all of the chaos out there. Besides, since you're out of commission, the rest of us have had to fill in for you. Let me tell you, I do not envy you. But I do sympathize with you.” 

“What are you talking about?” Katniss scowled at you. 

“They need a face of the revolution. Panem needs your face but they've been settling for mine and Jo’s,” you elaborated with a small laugh. “Let me tell you, I think I'm steering people in the wrong direction. I've had people approach me for a good time more than thanking me for trying to keep this revolution alive,” you shook your head as you stared at your medallion. 

“I have had to endure listening to the nurses gush about you,” Katniss muttered. You snorted. “I almost wished I could go back into the arena. It wasn't as painful.” 

“Believe me, no one wishes they could return to the arena more than I do,” you said quietly. “If I could've warned my younger self, I probably would have told him to not win,” you admit. Then you sigh. “But then I wouldn't have gotten to experience all of the good things I've managed to experience in my life.” 

“Ah, I've heard that you were quite popular with the citizens of the Capitol. I'm sure there's no regrets there when everyone wants to sleep with you, and has,” Katniss replied sarcastically. You're sure that she thought it was a harmless remark. She had no idea the weight of her words. So you gave her some grace. 

“Trust me Katniss, there's plenty of regrets there,” you said as you looked at her. “You're lucky to be ignorant to the true life of a victor. Especially someone as desirable as you.” 

Katniss rolled her eyes, “I'm far from desirable.” 

“A lot of my buyers would disagree,” you scoffed. 

“Buyers?” Katniss questioned but you couldn't explain it. So you shook your head. 

“Let's get you back to the infirmary,” you said as you offered her your hand. “You need to get better,” you said with a soft tone. 

Katniss stared at your hand as the red emergency light shined on it, then looked at you with tears in her eyes. She shook her head. “I don't deserve to. Not when Peeta…” she couldn't finish her sentence and you nodded. 

“You can't save him if you don't get better,” you tried to encourage her. “If you want them to arrange a rescue mission, you have to give Coin what she wants.” 

“Coin?” She squeaked out in confusion. 

The corner of your lips stretched up slightly. “She's the president of this district. Alma Coin is her full name,” you inform her. 

“Oh,” Katniss nodded. Then she accepted your hand and the two of you left the space. But once the two of you were in the hallway, Katniss wouldn't move. “I can't go back. I… the hallucinations… I can't.” 

“Hallucinations?” You frowned. “What are you talking about?”

“The drugs, I don't know. Whatever they use to sedate me. It's,” Katniss failed to continue then was interrupted when Gale Hawthorne spotted the two of you. 

“Katniss, there you are,” he said as he jogged down the corridor. As he got closer he slowed down and scowled at you. “I knew you weren't picky but I didn't think you were a predator,” he glared at you as he pulled Katniss away from you. 

“Gale,” Katniss snapped at him as he stood between the two of you. “Leave Y/n alone. We weren't doing anything. Let's go.” 

“Stay away from her,” Gale nearly growled at you. At the moment you refrained from laughing but later that night, you and Wanda couldn't stop laughing about it. 

A couple of days after that, while you were sitting with Wanda and Pietro in the mess hall, a blonde girl in her early teens dressed as one of the nurses tapped your shoulder. It took you a moment to recognize Primrose Everdeen but after she claimed that her sister requested to see you after lunch, you were able to put the pieces together. Wanda encouraged you to go so you did. 

When you met with Katniss, she wanted you to catch her up to speed with everything that had been going on. She didn't know who she could trust but she didn't think you'd lie to her. Gale treated her like she could break at any second. She didn't care to see her mentor or her district escort. Prim would go on and on about her day whenever she tended to Katniss, she didn't have any important information. The girl was in medical training. You seemed to be the best option. 

And you proved to be. You would sit by her side for thirty minutes each day, catching her up on any information that you thought she should know. She appreciated the honesty. 

She eventually got discharged from the infirmary. At her first meeting with Coin and Plutarch she requested that you were nearby. She was in there for about five minutes before she stormed out of the room. A week later, she was being dropped off in her home district. Plutarch's way of reminding the Mockingjay what's at stake. You were left behind to train, not that you minded. You weren't ever good at being a mentor. You don't know why you had the misfortune of being the one to find her that day. But the teenager seemed to have attached herself to you like a lost puppy. 

When she returned from District 12, she asked you to help her with a list of demands. She said her sister suggested it and that was the first time you wished that you were in her position. During the lunch hour, she sat with you and Wanda and Pietro. Wanda was hoping that Katniss wouldn't recognize her since she's almost positive she offended the girl while doing her job when she had a job in the Capitol. Luckily, Katniss never put it together. Pietro would chime in with a suggestion or two and Katniss was grateful for the input. After her meeting with President Coin she confirmed that she accepted her role as the Mockingjay.

Eventually Katniss began to rely a lot more on others. She developed a closer relationship with Johanna to the point that she requested to be roommates with her. You laughed when Johanna told you that Katniss wasn't as bad as she originally made her out to be. With Katniss needing you less, you were able to allocate time for Finnick. He was in horrible shape from losing the love of his life in such a horrific way. 

“I'm kind of glad she's dead,” he'd said one day as he focused his attention on his rope. “At least she's not being tortured. At least it's all over for her. She suffered for a long time. She's not in pain anymore.” It hurt you to hear the lifeless tone from the man that brought life to so much. He was the one to remind so many that through tragedy, there was still so much good. He's the one that snapped you out of your darkness. He had suffered so much for so long and he never let it show until Annie was executed. His words hurt for many reasons. That Annie was also your friend who could be quite funny and lively when she was stable. That she was someone anyone with a heart wanted to protect whenever she wasn't. 

At the mention of how she suffered, you recall a day at the market. It was just you and Annie. She was rattling on and on about some recipe she was trying to remember. She was slightly frustrated because she couldn't remember a certain ingredient. When you began to list off any ingredients that you could think of, a fake spear nearly hit Annie in the face. It would have made contact had you not caught it in time. The kids that were messing with the toy were very apologetic until Annie started screaming. People around began to panic as Annie had a melt down and all you could think to do was to shield her away from everyone. Others who were sympathetic to her condition helped you get through the crowded market while you carried her. It took her a month to snap out of it. You stopped by to check on her each day and Finnick allowed an hour visit each time. She would sit in her bed and stare blankly at the wall. She wouldn't speak. She'd hardly blink. You then knew that there was no such thing as a victor. There were only survivors. 

Sitting with Finnick was a lot like that. He wouldn't talk much and when he did speak, you almost wished you hadn't been there to hear it. 

On the day that Peeta was finally broadcast in an interview with Caesar Flickerman, Katniss rose up from her table where she was sitting with her mom and sister. She had a look you'd seen many times from Finnick and Annie and you felt that same protectiveness. She shouldn't have had to experience that moment so publicly. You pulled her out of the cafeteria and took her to a private area to watch Peeta's interview.

There weren't a lot of areas with private television access but you were able to shoo people out of a control room to allow Katniss the privacy. You stood outside the door to prevent anyone from going inside. You didn't run inside until you heard her screams. You wrapped your body around her and taught her how to breathe again until she calmed down. 

Shortly after that, Katniss started to do her propos. You asked Wanda to help direct her because she was so helpful with you. But when Effie caught wind of the possibility of a replacement, she swooped in. Unfortunately for her, Katniss wasn't an actor. She gave terrible delivery of her lines and her body language was too stiff. Even with Wanda’s notes, Katniss's performances were silly. Then they tested adding you and Johanna to help carry the weight. The two of you read the lines and Katniss was only meant to be seen and not heard. But it still wasn't enough. 

It wasn't until Haymitch walked in with his sarcastic claps that the team was able to put together what gave the Mockingjay her flare. She had to be in action. Her emotions had to be raw and real. Not with silly weapons and pretend fighting. Coin was resistant to letting the stars out into the front lines but Commander Boggs and Plutarch were able to convince her. 

Wanda wasn't too thrilled about you going out to fight either. The last thing she wanted to do was risk losing you. “I know that it's important but,” Wanda stands in the corner of your living quarters. “You have to swear to me that you're coming back here in one piece.” 

“Wanda, it's going to be safe,” you said as you crossed the room and took her face in your hands with a light touch. “You heard the details of the mission. They're only sending us to a refuge hospital in District Eight. We won't encounter a battle. We’ll be far from it. Besides, I hear Beetee has whipped up some badass weapons that aren't just for show.” She cracked a smile and you kissed her. The two of you leaned your foreheads against one another with your eyes shut for a moment as you held each other's hands. 

“Come back to me,” she whispered. 

“I promise, I always will.”

The following day Beetee invited you, Katniss, Gale, and Johanna to his laboratory where he presented the new weapons for each of you. For Katniss he had a sleek black bow that hummed with life whenever she held it in position. She used a normal arrow to practice and according to her, the bow helped her with accuracy. Not that she had a problem with that according to Gale. He was given a crossbow that seemed to have similar features to Katniss's bow. The bows came equipped with two types of special arrows. One had explosives and the other had fire. 

Johanna was given an especially sharp axe with nanotechnology that reshapes itself in order to stay that way. She was given a special glove with it. If she threw it too far, she was able to call it back to her no matter what it was stuck in or how far away it was. She thought it was a dumb idea at first and she was scared to even test it out since she couldn't trust that the axe wouldn't land in her hand the wrong way. But after a couple of run throughs, she couldn't wait to be given the chance to use the weapon. 

Next you were given a special trident. There was a second one made just like it for Finnick and it hurt you that he wasn't healthy enough to be doing this with you. After all, he was part of this long before you were. 

“The metal used for your trident and Johanna’s axe aren't of this planet. There isn't a metal stronger than this,” Beetee explained as you questioned why the trident was so light. You'd never wielded a trident so light since you were a child. You'd believed you were duped until you cut a test dummy's head clean off with barely a motion. 

“Why aren't our arrowheads made with the same material?” Gale asked with a scowl.

“It's the rarest metal on earth, bigfoot,” a man appeared seemingly out of nowhere as he tapped away on a tablet. “Explosives aren't enough for you?” He shakes his head. “We only had enough material for the Mockingjay suit, the axe, and the tridents.” 

“Wait, you mean to tell me that Katniss gets a special suit and the rest of us are vulnerable?” Johanna asked next. It wasn't fair.

“Take it up with Cinna. Oh wait, you can't,” the man said in reference to the designer's death. 

“What does Cinna have to do with this metal?” Katniss asked. 

“It came from his ancestors. He said the metal was called vibranium. He only had a limited supply of the pure metal and he had enough of its fabric to make the Mockingjay armor. I only fulfilled his dying wishes,” the man said. 

“Meet Tony Stark, everyone,” Beetee introduces the man. “He is almost as intelligent as I am.” 

“Charming,” Tony rolled his eyes at the man. “If you don't mind, some of us have real work to do.” He took the trident from your hands. “May I?” He said as he walked away without a response from you. He walked around the lab and took apart the rod. You figured that whatever he was up to with the weapon was only going to benefit you. 

The trident ended up being very useful in District 8 when the Peacekeepers attacked the hospital. 

Arriving at District 8, the group was brought inside a formerly abandoned warehouse. The entrance hall of the building was lined with stacks of casualties. You nearly threw up at the smell. Gale did have to step aside to vomit. Paylor commented that everyone will get used to the smell. You couldn't believe these were the conditions for those that couldn't make it to District 13. You had no idea how good you'd had it in that district until you walked into the main area of the warehouse. 

It was full of sick and injured and dying men, women, and children. Those who weren't at risk of losing their lives were tending to those that were. It was eye opening. This was the cost of war. It made you queasy again. You nearly fainted. But you didn't want them to waste any of their supplies on you. So you continued to stand tall. 

The first sighting of Katniss had the people stunned. They hadn't seen her until that point. No one outside of Thirteen had. An elderly woman asked her about her baby after she agreed that she was going to fight. You hadn't thought about the fact that Peeta had shocked everyone on the night of the interviews with the news of their private nuptials and baby announcement. It appeared that Katniss might've forgotten about that as well but she recovered quickly. She stated that she lost the baby. 

Shortly after that Cressida, a director from the Capitol, was raving about the footage she got of Katniss and of the rest of you meeting refugees and handing them supplies they needed. Plutarch thought it would be more effective if the team was sent with gifts and not just gifting the injured with the presence of the Mockingjay. You and Johanna were whispering inside jokes to each other about how Gale didn't look at Katniss like they were related. Then the jokes turned into claims that the rumors of their home districts incest problems might not be rumors. Gale heard that one and turned around to say something. That's when the first bomb hit. The team sprung into action to get out of the building and that's when everyone saw the hovercrafts with the Capitol emblems on them. Katniss and Gale moved to get higher in order to shoot them down with their special arrows. You tried to shoot them down with the standard issue machine gun they provided you in case something like this happened but it was just a waste of bullets once an arrow took one of the crafts down. 

A squad of Peacekeepers appeared and were firing their weapons. As you dove for cover, Johanna threw her axe. The weapon cut off three heads of Peacekeepers before it got stuck in a cement wall. On your hip, your trident was closed into a simple rod. You pulled it out and clicked a button that allowed it to expand out and reveal its sharp metal. You accidentally tapped another button and the blades became electrified. 

“Cool,” Johanna muttered as she watched your weapon become even deadlier. She caught her axe in her hand and together the two of you charged at the Peacekeepers. Taking multiple down at a time. Not stopping until the last one was gone. Unfortunately, even with all of the effort to stop the attack, the makeshift hospital was gone. 

You were devastated by the sight. As was Katniss. She gave a harrowing speech into the camera as a Capitol ship burned behind her. She pointed to it and shouted, “If we burn! You burn with us!” 

Wanda ran into your arms as soon as you stepped out of the hovercraft.

“I heard there was a attack in Eight. I thought, I thought,” she shook as she failed to finish her sentence. 

“It's okay,” you whispered as you held her just as tight. “I'm okay.” 

Katniss watched you and Wanda. She remembered having a similar feeling in her first games when she heard the cannon go off and she couldn't find Peeta. Again when his heart stopped in the second games. She felt it recently when she saw Peeta on television for the first time since they'd been separated. She looked at Gale and wondered if she'd feel that kind of fear if his life was at stake. She knows she'd be afraid to lose him. But would she feel the same desperation she felt for Peeta? She didn't know. She did know that she the first impressions of you that she had before were completely wrong. She thought that, much like Finnick, you were just another victor that used their fame and riches to sleep with everyone and anyone. There was a lot of coverage of it in the years since you'd won. But watching the way you were with Wanda. She realized there was something a lot more to you than that. 

“When you said your buyers would disagree,” Katniss started as the two of you walked around the woods. She was in an argument with Gale because of what Peeta was being forced to say on television. Katniss still wanted to hunt but she wasn't allowed to without at least one other person with her. She invited Johanna but she said she'd rather be burned alive because at least that torture ended in death. So she asked you and you didn't feel up to dancing in front of another camera so you agreed. “What did you mean by that?”

“I shouldn't have said that to you,” you said as you kept on walking. 

“Well you did and I want to know what that meant,” Katniss pressed on as she followed. 

“Why? It's not important,” you tried to move on from the subject and when she asked again you stopped walking. You turned to her and sighed. “Katniss, what I'm about to tell you isn't… It's not something you'll be able to easily forget. Are you sure that you want to know?” 

Katniss nodded her head, “Yes, I need to know. I can't stop thinking about it. Why would you have buyers?” 

“Because of Snow,” you stated with a shrug. “I wasn't the only one. There are, sorry, were other victors that were auctioned off to the highest bidders. Those that were found to be… desirable in the eyes of Capitol citizens or officials were forced to comply. Snow allowed us access to certain drugs that took the edge off, made the meetings bearable. But if we ever resisted, he would kill someone that we cared about. It happened to Finnick. It happened to Johanna. It happened to me. So, Katniss, when I say that you are lucky. I mean that you are lucky,” you stated before turning and walking on. 

“I don't get it. Why would he do that?” Katniss eventually asked after a while. She had gone silent after your speech and you felt bad for your snarky comment. You hardly knew what she had to endure, she was from a poor district. She'd been in the Hunger Games twice. It wasn't a fair statement. 

You shrugged at her question, “To remind us that we're still just as powerless as we were before we won? I don't know.”

Katniss stopped you from walking further and turned you to face her. She scanned your face with her eyes then she hugged you. “I'm sorry you had to go through that,” she said against your chest. You responded to the hug by wrapping your arms around her and rubbing her back.

“It's over now,” you stated before pulling away. 

“How did you manage to find someone to love through all of that? How did you allow yourself to open up to someone that way?” Katniss asked. 

You smiled as you thought about the first time you met Wanda. “Love isn't something that you find or that you decide whether or not to accept. Not when it's true. The kind of love that I have with Wanda, it snuck up on me. I never expected it and I don't think she did either. I tried to fight it, of course. She did as well, I mean I might've been a victor but I was still from the districts. Falling for me was a giant risk for her. Not just career wise but her life was at stake as well. But eventually neither of us could deny it,” you shook your head. 

“Wanda isn't from District Four?” Katniss asked dumbly. 

You laughed, “She's going to kill me when I tell you this because she thinks she might've offended you when she was doing her job but no, she isn't from Four. She's from the Capitol. She used to do the gossip segment for Capitol TV.” 

Katniss's eyes widened in recognition. “Now I remember her. Wow, I cannot believe I didn't recognize her. She's so human now.”

You nodded, “Yeah, she hated her job but it's what more than paid the bills.” 

“It must’ve been difficult to protect that love,” she sympathized. “Talk about star-crossed lovers,” she muttered. 

You stared at her for a moment as you considered asking all of the questions that had been swarming your mind long before you even met her. “You and your cousin?”

Katniss sighed through her nose as she looked at you, “He’s not my cousin. He – I don’t quite know what he is to me right now.”

 You nodded and bit your lips. “You and Peeta,” you started and Katniss’s eyes darted to the ground, “What, uh, was any of that real?” 

Katniss shook her head then she nodded then she shook her head more. “I don’t know. I’ve told myself a dozen times that it was just about survival but… I don’t know.” You nodded. You understood how complicated feelings could be. “Snow didn’t make it any easier.”

You frowned as your eyebrows knitted together. “What do you mean?”

Katniss took a deep breath, “He told me that if I couldn’t convince him and the rest of the country that my moment with berries was an act of love and not an act of defiance… he’d well, he made it seem like he’d kill everyone I cared about but instead he just sent us back into the games.” She looked off to the distance. “He wanted to avoid all of this.” She shook her head again. “I thought he was crazy. I didn’t think that my decision to save the person that saved my family and I when we were preteens would cause all of this.” 

“Katniss,” you started, you wanted to tell her that there was so much more to this. But it wouldn’t be much comfort to know that every person has just been a pawn in these games. “Let’s just focus on hunting. That’s something that does a lot more good than bad, right?”

Katniss nodded as she started walking again. 

After that the two of you were able to kill two giant elks. It took a lot to carry down to the kitchen but somehow the two of you managed. The two of you were sharing a laugh when a broadcast of Peeta came onto the screens in the cafeteria. He looked worse than the first time they showed him. Katniss covered her mouth at the sight. You shut your eyes as you tried to push away the thoughts of what they could be doing to the poor boy. It wasn't fair. 

He was once again calling for a cease fire. Well the first time he was asking for one. This time he was begging for Katniss to stop. You shook your head at his words. You have no idea what you would do in his position. 

The next propo recorded was Katniss's idea. She wanted to show Peeta what happened to their district. So the film crew went out to District 12 to film Katniss and Gale. You and Johanna were forced to go just in case there was another attack. It would look good for the cameras. 

Katniss and Gale walked around what was left of their home district, which was nothing but ashes. Bodies were melted together and you could imagine their despair as they tried to run out of the district. Katniss told the cameras what building used to be where in what used to be the town square. She stood on what once was Peeta Mellark's childhood home. Gale then told the cameras how the bombing went down. He claimed that the Mellark's had no chance to get out of there as some of the first bombs hit around the bakery. 

The footage ended up saving many lives. They intercepted another interview with Peeta and he looked much worse than before. He heard Katniss's song as Beetee and Tony disrupted the broadcast and warned her that everyone would be dead by the morning. The footage ended with Peeta being knocked out with the butt of a rifle. The camera fell as his blood splattered on the floor. 

The district had to evacuate even further into the Earth. They had a bunker just in case the Capitol tried to bomb the already underground district again. You stayed with Wanda and Pietro as the bombs shook the planet. It was hours before the walls stopped shaking. It might've been all night but without any way to track the time, it didn't really matter. People just wanted it to stop. 

Once the hovercrafts were cleared, a team of volunteers were sent to rescue Peeta. Gale was the first to volunteer, you were the second. Despite Wanda’s protests, you had to go. You had to help especially after Katniss had a meltdown. She was just like Annie. You couldn't save but maybe you could save Peeta. You couldn’t help Finnick, but you hoped you could help Katniss.

The mission wasn’t easy. You knew it wouldn’t be. Peacekeepers were everywhere. If you hadn’t had a weapon so special, you don’t think you’d have made it out alive. Getting out of the Capitol was nearly impossible but somehow the team managed to get out with only a couple casualties. When you returned, you had to face the wives and husbands of those that didn’t make it back. You don’t think you’ll ever forget their screams for those they lost. Just another reason to wake up in the middle of the night. 

Wanda wouldn’t open the door when you went to visit her. At breakfast the next morning she wouldn’t look at you. At lunch she sat close to you but still refused to address your presence. By dinner, she decided to forgive you for volunteering to go on the possible suicide mission. She hugged your bruised and cut up body and glared at you when you winced. 

“You wouldn’t be in pain if you’d of stayed,” she said and you smiled as you kissed her scowl. 

“I love you too.” She rolled her eyes as she continued to lean against you. “I told you that I’d always come back.” 

Wanda sighed deeply, “I hate that I fell in love with someone that’d risk their life to save the world. But I can’t ask you to stop.” She moved your overgrown hair behind your ear. “That hope in your heart is what made me fall in the first place.”

“You really set yourself up for failure didn’t you?” You asked with a grin as you also moved locks of her hair behind her ear. 

“Gag, I’m trying to eat here,” Pietro’s tablet went off and he quickly fumbled with trying to turn it off as you and Wanda laughed. 

With Peeta in the infirmary, Katniss began to ignore her schedule. She spent her training hours in his room. She didn’t want him to feel alone since none of his family made it out. A friend of his, Delly Cartwright, did make it to District 13. She was visiting when Katniss wasn’t. Peeta was in terrible shape when he was rescued. It was months before he was well enough to be released and in that time more districts became free from the ruling of the Capitol. 

You were only sent to other districts when they wanted to film supplies being distributed to them. To show that District 13 cared. You felt off about it but it kept you off of the frontlines where you could be safe. And since the Mockingjay was refusing to do much outside of helping Peeta back to health, there wasn’t much else expected of the Star Squad. The nickname for the squad of victors that always had the cameras on them. 

You would visit Finnick when you could in order to get him to eat after he’d nearly starved himself to death. You were kind and paitient with him until one day you unleashed your frustration with him. 

“I’m so sick of your pity party Finnick!” You shouted after he just went on and on about wanting to be dead. “Do you know how much medical supplies they’ve wasted to keep you alive? You’re not even grateful!” You started to pace the room.

“I never asked them to -” he began to shout back.

“Well too damn bad! They did! I promised Annie that I would always be there for you and I’ll be damned if you make me break that promise!”

“She’s dead! What she wanted doesn’t matter anymore!” 

“Of course it matters!” You shouted back just as desperate. “Finnick, she loved you. And you loved her! She's gone and you're still here. It’s not fair. None of this is fair. But if you were out there, you would see how selfish you've been! If you had a conversation with ten people here, you'd find out that more than half of them have lost the loves of their lives and they are still fighting!” You shook your head at him. “I've been patient with you but you're pathetic. And I can't keep doing this anymore,” you left the room. 

You didn't see him again until a few months later when he walked into the training room. He looked healthier than the last time you'd seen him. Finnick wouldn't go near you but you didn't mind. You preferred that he hated you. It meant he was alive. 

“We need something to celebrate,” Plutarch said as he eyed Katniss and Peeta. The two were always seen together. If you spotted one alone, the other wasn't too far behind. You teased her about it during training once and she jabbed you in the ribs with a baton. You stopped teasing her whenever there was a weapon around. “We were thinking of a wedding…” he kept moving his eyes towards the clueless teens. 

Katniss shrugged when she felt his eyes on her, “That's not a terrible idea. Who's getting married?” You shook your head as you failed to hide your amusement. 

“You're not serious?” You look at Plutarch and Coin. “You're going to force those kids to fake their marriage a second time?” 

“Well, seeing as they already claimed-” 

“Wait us?” Katniss finally caught up. 

“I don't know guys,” Peeta started. 

“Hear us out-” Plutarch tried to explain again. 

“Ugh, please stop,” Johanna cut in with a roll of her eyes. “It's already been done. We can't keep spinning this broken record. I'd sooner gouge my eyes out than attend their wedding.” 

“That's not-” Katniss frowned. 

“No one was asking you, Johanna,” Plutarch finally got a full sentence in. 

You looked over at Wanda as you considered volunteering. She met your eyes and subtly shook her head. You sighed and turned to the table. “What about Johanna and…” your eyes scanned the room. You smirked as they landed on the glowering raven haired grey eyed man sitting across from Katniss and Peeta. “Gale,” you grinned. “Cressida has said that he has a face for the camera. And come on, what’s more unifying than a miner from Twelve marrying a lumberjack from Seven?” You could have sworn that you saw smoke coming out of Gale's ears. “Shows that we're all the same.” 

“That's not a bad idea,” Finnick chimed in. 

“Screw you, where'd you come from anyway?” Johanna snapped at her friend. 

“I'm just saying, no one would expect it,” Finnick shrugged. 

President Coin leaned forward on the table. She looked at each face then she said, “No. It has to be the Mockingjay.” 

“Why?” You challenged her. 

“Excuse me?” Coin stared at you directly. 

“Why does it have to be her? She's a kid,” you doubled down. “If you make them get married, you're no better than Snow.” The room went silent. No one has challenged the president so openly before. They weren't sure what they were supposed to do. 

“We'll do it,” Katniss said. “Don't punish Y/n. I've confided in them a lot and they're only trying to protect me.” She defended you. “Which I appreciate,” she turns to address you directly, “but it's not necessary. Besides, what's another fake wedding?” She looked at Peeta who appeared to be very displeased by the news. 

“Excuse me,” Peeta rose from his seat and left the room. Katniss stood up and Haymitch stopped her. 

“Let him be,” the older man said gruffly. She sat back down as she watched the door. 

“Perfect!” Plutarch clapped his hands. “Perfect! We'll get a move on. We only have a couple of weeks to pull this off!” He gathered his notes and walked off with his team. 

You didn’t want any part of the fake wedding because it made you uncomfortable. The thought of making the two teenagers continue to put on a show when they still didn't know what they wanted. It also made you look at the president of District 13 differently. When you first arrived, you thought she wanted true change. As you got to work under her for an extended period of time you began to question if she was just as power hungry as Snow was. 

Unfortunately, you couldn't stay away from the wedding party. Since District 12’s traditions weren't something that were celebratory or entertaining enough. They are private and intimate. And there isn’t enough in District 13 to spare for a Captiol type wedding. It was too risky to hold it in the woods which is something that comes from the District 7 traditions. Finnick offered up District 4 traditions which are a little more extravagant than District 12 but were doable compared to District 7 and Capitol traditions. That brought on your involvement in the whole endeavor. You kept trying to pass responsibilities off to Finnick but he was having to catch up on training since it’d been close to a year since he was rotting away in the infirmary. 

Wanda thought your wedding planning persona was cute. She’d never seen you throw yourself into something so much before. Considering that before the rebellion she only saw you for a few hours every few months, she was happy to learn about any side of you. She kissed your cheek when you were doing a seating chart that made the most sense visually.

“Is this how you'll be when we get married?” Wanda asked as she leaned her head against your shoulder. 

“Oh, we're going to get married, are we?” You retorted as you erased a name from the chart and wrote it somewhere else. 

Wanda rubbed your other shoulder as she smiled. “Of course we are,” she kisses your cheek again. “I don't join rebellions for just anyone, you know?”

You made a face. “I thought you did this for Pietro.” She walked in front of you and sat on your lap as she wrapped her arms around your neck. 

“What happened to him made me realize how unfair the system is and I wished I could do something to change it.” She held your face in her hands and played with your hair as she held your eye contact. You loved getting lost in those enchanting hazel green eyes. “I didn't get involved until the night I realized I loved you. I remember it so vividly, I nearly thought my heart was going to explode out of my chest.” She grabbed your hand and held it over her chest. She shook her head. “You were fast asleep but for a moment I couldn't tell if you were breathing. Then I imagined that you died and just the mere thought,” her eyes teared up and you reached up with your free hand to cradle her face. “I never thought I was capable of loving someone as much as I love you.” 

You felt yourself getting choked up by her confession of love. “I, wow,” you reacted with tears on the brim of your eyes. “I had no idea you felt so deeply about me.” You pressed your hand against her chest. “I am lucky that you trust me with your heart.” You leaned your head against hers and closed your eyes. “I hope I'm worth all of this death and destruction to you.” 

Wanda nuzzled against you and pulled you closer to her at your words. “You are worth the hope of a brighter future. That's what I'm fighting for.” The two of you held onto each other for a long time. You got lost in the moment with her. You felt your  heart beat in time with hers. Even though she didn't want to marry you at the time, you felt as though your souls connected that day as a promise of forever. 

At the wedding, everyone read from scripts that Effie and Plutarch wrote together. It was a cheesy and silly wedding. There were moments that made the event feel real. Like when Peeta teared up as Katniss was walked down the aisle by her sister, Primrose. Or when Katniss got choked up and went off script at the start. Not a single word she said was fabricated. Peeta didn't read his lines either.

The unifying kiss lasted a bit longer than it should have. It made you happy to see that Katniss was making a complicated situation a little less complicated. She looked happy. So did Peeta. So did everyone else. The celebration after felt real. People danced and sang. You and Wanda got to have a moment on the dance floor as well. You held her so close as the two of you swayed together at a slow song. You moved with her as the dance became a little more elaborate and the music became upbeat. There was laughter where there used to be quiet whispers. It was a bright occasion. 

Which was nice to have the memory of the celebration when the war began to take a turn. The Capitol had yet to be overturned. They began to draft as many able bodied men and women to become Peacekeepers in order to infiltrate the more radicalized districts. Attacking when they least expected. 

In Thirteen, they began to release soldiers that passed their final exams to districts the second they passed. At a certain point it began to feel like they rigged the system in order to send the troops out as fast as possible. There were, however, certain soldiers that couldn't leave for a reason or another. Like Pietro was an asset to the war room which they kept him locked away in for the majority of his days. Or if a soldier had a certain medical condition that prevented them from leaving. 

You didn't feel that you were ready when you finished your exam but you sat in your living quarters as you stared at your assignment. Wanda walked in after her exam and sat on the bed with you. She laid her head on your shoulder as she frowned down at your papers. “That's what one of those looks like,” she muttered. You made a face as you noticed she was empty handed. 

“You're not going on a mission?” You asked as you moved your arm to set your hand on her hip. 

“No,” she said as she nuzzled into your side more. “I didn't pass. I, um, I guess they found… something,” she shook her head and pulled away from you. “I have a medical condition that prevents me from going.” 

Your eyes widened with fear. “What’s wrong, Wanda? Are you going to be okay?” 

Wanda smiled with tears in her eyes, “I'm going to be just fine. Don't you worry about me. I-” She was interrupted by a knock. 

Commander Boggs stood at the door with two other soldiers. “I'm here to personally retrieve you. It seems as though the Mockingjay made plans of her own yesterday. We leave in a half hour. Say your goodbyes now.” He stepped away and shut the door as a courtesy. 

You turned to Wanda with a pounding heart. You didn't want to leave without knowing that you would be coming back to her. “Wanda, I love you. I can't lose you. Please tell me, this medical condition isn't serious.” 

Wanda held both of your hands in hers. “Y/n. I'm fine. I'm better than fine. I will tell you everything when you come back to me. Because you will come back to me, right?” 

You nodded and pulled her into a tight hug. Then you kissed her lips and memorized the way her soft lips felt against yours. With your eyes closed, you leaned your forehead against hers and whispered, “I will always come back to you.” You promised just as Boggs knocked on the door to signal that it was time. You pulled your medallion out of your pocket and handed it to Wanda. “This has always been my good luck charm. I want you to have it.” Wanda shook her head but you put it in her hand and closed her fingers into a fist as you stood up to leave. You reminded her that you loved her. She told you that she loved you as tears streamed down her face. 

The Star Squad was assembled and meant to be safe from any combat. The group was meant to be filmed not to engage in real battle. The team wasn't even supposed to exist but with Katniss cutting her honeymoon short and sneaking off to the Capitol on her own, Coin was forced to make it look like that was her idea. You couldn't be mad, Katniss wanted Snow dead. Everyone did. But you were a little upset that she didn't include you in the plan once you found out that Peeta and Johanna helped her escape. 

The team moved through the rundown Capitol with precaution, using a device nicknamed the Holo. It mapped out and scanned for PODs, which were unpredictable traps planted throughout the streets. You couldn't believe what had become of the once vibrant city. You knew where Wanda’s home was from where you stood, no matter where you were. You remember taking long walks with her through the city during your time with her. The two of you were always in some ridiculous disguise to allow for privacy. 

She would race you when she was in a playful mood. The two of you would accidentally knock into others with childish snickers. Other times, you would spot a cheesy gift at one of the many stands at the market. You would buy her something that you knew she'd hate in order to share a laugh then surprise her with something she'd love. You eventually found out that she kept both types of gifts in a box under a floorboard under her bed. 

It was one of the signs that let you know she loved you. 

You think about her when Homes and Mitchell are blown up. The explosion was loud and had your ears ringing. Gale had to grab you by your vest to get you running as guns were firing. The team ran to hide in three different buildings. Katniss and Gale used their explosive arrows to blow up the Peacekeepers vehicles before they could use their explosives against the Star Squad. 

Boggs and Jackson were able to get everyone directed into a single building and reconvene. They agreed that the best course of action was to retreat back to base but Katniss cut in with her personal mission, claiming it was Coin's assignment. “I was sent here to kill Snow. Coin wants us to broadcast the entire thing in order to get the Peacekeepers to surrender,” she wasn't convincing but no one was in a position to argue when the team was closer to the Presidential Mansion than they were to safety. 

Boggs didn't challenge her. He agreed to follow her lead. He projected the map of the city to show that the number of PODs had grown. The best chance was underground. Pollux, a former avox turned rebel cameraman and soldier, volunteered his knowledge from the years of experience he had working in the sewer system of the Capitol.

You had to pretend that the water that you sloshed through was the ocean that you once played in as a child. “Thinking about home?” Finnick asked you as he nudged your shoulder. 

“Yeah,” you responded, “you?” 

He nodded his head, “although this smell isn't making it easy. I miss that sea salt smell. I didn't mind tasting that air.” 

“Aw man,” you shook your head as you remembered the crystal blue sea. “When all of this is over, the first thing I'm doing is taking Wanda to Four. She deserves a nice beach day after everything she's been through.” 

“I think we all do,” Finnick added. “But don't worry, I won't be too needy when I come along. Not like you were.” His joke hit you harder than it was meant to. It felt like a different life. You invaded Finnick and Annie's home because you couldn't be alone. You joined them on their dates whenever you needed the company. Annie took care of you whenever she was capable of doing so. She was such a great person. She didn't deserve to go the way she did.

“It's okay, I deserve it,” you patted his back. He hugged you from the side while the both of you continued to walk through the sewers. You missed him so much while he was lost. You were happy to have him back. You hoped that one day he would move on because that's what Annie would have wanted. 

The team eventually found a dry space to rest for a few hours. You were the first on the watch rotation. You were jumpy. There was a feeling in the pit of your stomach that warned you. In the moment, you ignored it. When you fell asleep after you woke up Boggs, you continued to ignore the feeling. 

Then you woke up to screams and being shoved. Katniss was shoving you awake. Everyone ran out of the dry space and ran through the tunnels as they were chased by mutts. You tried to shoot at the mutts but you couldn't slow down enough to aim. Directions were being shouted out and in the hysteria the team members that weren't being mauled by the faceless creatures ran into an area that was meant for maintenance workers. Several of them ran up a ladder to escape. Just as Katniss was about to climb, a creature took her down which sent you and Peeta running to her rescue. Finnick was shouting from the opening for everyone to hurry. 

With your trident you were able to fend off the creatures in front of you but it was Johanna that managed to protect you from behind. Katniss and Peeta managed to get the creatures away from them with Gale's help as well as yours and Johanna's. Katniss ran up the ladder first, followed by Peeta, then Johanna. It was you and Gale that were next when another wave of mutts came rushing through. You tried to climb up as fast as you could to allow Gale the time to climb but both of you were caught by the wave. Just as you were being pulled up by Peeta, your legs were caught by a mutt and had you dragged back down. 

If it hadn't been for your special trident, you wouldn't have made it out of the sewers alive. You managed to save what was left of Gale. His right leg was shredded and gushing blood. The two of you crawled through the tunnels together and managed to catch up with what was left of the team. Katniss looked relieved but the feeling didn't last long as a bullet fired and hit Gale in the head. You had been the one holding him up as it happened. His blood and his brains painted your face. 

“Run!” You shouted as more Peacekeepers appeared. Katniss was in shock, you had to grab her as you ran through the parking garage. Deadly light beams flashed from the ceiling at random. The first one took down Messalla. He turned to dust as fast as the light touched him. “Run!” You screeched at the top of your lungs again as the floor shredded behind the Leeg sisters. Leeg 2 tripped over herself and fell into the blades. Leeg 1 turned as she heard her sister's cries, that split second of hesitation took her life. 

Finally, the lights stopped as did the blades and the remaining members of the Star Squad were running out of the death trap and into the dark streets of the Capitol. There were digital and physical posters everywhere of the rebels' faces, including yours and the other former victors. There didn't seem to be a place to hide. The adrenaline coursing through your veins had you jumping at every sound as you tried to think of where to hide. 

“I know where we are,” Cressida said breathlessly, “I know where to go.” She guided the team to a clothing shop. A woman with tiger-like features answered the door and rushed everyone inside. She brought the team of rebels into the basement. You took careful steps as you observed the space with your weapon drawn. Cressida, Castor, and Pollux were already standing around the basement. When you deduced that it was safe, you collapsed on the last step. 

You woke up with a gasp of air, startled by the delicate touch of the woman that was hosting you. She had been stitching a gash on your bicep when you woke up. You frowned as she retreated. You knew her but you couldn't remember how before you slipped back into unconsciousness. The adrenaline had deserted your body, leaving it exhausted without an ounce of energy. 

“Wanda,” you muttered as you felt someone cradling your face in their hands. You leaned into the touch and forced your eyes open, anxious to see the love of your life. It was Johanna that you saw instead. She was wiping your face with a wet cloth. “Oh, it's you,” you muttered as you shut your eyes again. 

“Shut up, you know you're happy to see me,” she said softly as she continued to clean your face. “Finnick made it. So did the two love birds. Cressida and her bugs are alive too,” she quietly informed you.

You tried to swallow a lump forming in your throat but the emotions hit you too hard to hide them. “I couldn't save him,” you said through your tears. Johanna nodded as she continued to clean Gale's blood from your face with a frown as tears built up in her eyes. She cared about you a lot and it hurt her to see you fall apart like that. You stopped crying and sat up as you felt guilty for the display of emotion when everyone in the room had lost people. You weren't even close with Gale. It just sucked with how hard you fought to keep him alive and just when you thought you had, he was gone before you or anyone could do anything. 

You looked around the room and saw Finnick cleaning the blades of his trident. Cressida, Pollux, and Castor were tinkering with an old model of a Capitol television. Katniss and Peeta were holding each other as they slept. Her nose was red and her cheeks were stained with tears. You were certain were shed for the loss of her former hunting partner and best friend. 

“When do you think we'll continue?” You asked Johanna with a mouth full of a sandwich she'd handed you. 

She took a slow breath as she considered her answer. “When the next opportunity presents itself. We're in too deep to turn back now.” You nodded as you chewed. 

Pollux cheered as he managed to repair the television. A mandatory broadcast that invited all Capitol citizens to Snow's mansion gave the opportunity to infiltrate the mansion. But it was only safe for two people to go. You were the first to volunteer. Katniss was the second. Peeta protested but Katniss was able to convince him that it had to be her. His prosthetic leg was broken, he couldn't take your place even if Katniss wasn't able to talk him down.  Finnick almost talked you out of going but he didn't see the point.

“When Wanda asks, I tried to take your place,” Finnick said as he helped you get dressed up. 

“Oh if I ever tell her this story, you did take my place,” you joked. He patted your shoulder as he agreed with a grin. He adjusted the holster with the trident inside so that it was still hidden but gave you easy access. Then he handed you a stolen Peacekeeper rifle and helped you hide it under the heavy coat. “If this goes south, tell her I'm sorry and that I love her,” you told Finnick with fear in your eyes. 

Finnick sighed, “Things will go south if you think like that.”

“Promise me that you'll tell her,” you stated firmly. He agreed to deliver the message. “And make sure that when all of this is over and we come out on top that she is taken care of. If they still give us our winnings, make sure she gets mine. And that she can have my place in Four. Make sure that you disable all of the bugs,” you speak urgently as if you don't tell him these things now, no one will ever know your last wishes. 

“Y/n,” Finnick looked you in the eye with worry, “Should I take your place? You have a life to start after this. I don't. Maybe I should-” 

“There's no time,” Tigris warned as she rushed away from the windows. “You and Katniss have to leave now.” 

You nodded and turned back to Finnick, “I'll be fine I just want to make sure that Wanda is taken care of just in case.” Finnick nodded as he agreed to ensure that Wanda was taken care of. 

“But you're going to come back, and you're going to take care of her yourself, okay?” Finnick encouraged as he hugged you. You closed your eyes as you stood in his arms before you stepped away and turned to see Katniss and Peeta saying their goodbyes. They shared a kiss and you looked away as you felt like you were imposing in a private moment. 

“Katniss, we better go,” you said as you put your hood over your head. She nodded as she stepped away from her twice faux husband. 

Together, the two of you walked out into the crowded street. You kept your head down enough to not get noticed but not so much to have your view obstructed. You and Katniss got pretty close to the gates, it made your heart pound so hard that you could hardly hear anything. But with each step closer, you grew more confident that you'd be able to pull this off. Then you saw Peacekeepers were pulling hoods down. In a panic, you and Katniss turned around only to find more soldiers pulling hoods down. So you both turned back towards the pit before the gate where they were separating children from their parents. 

You lost your confidence as you couldn't figure out where to go from there. You were both trapped. Then guns started firing. “It's the rebels!” Someone shouted and you pushed Katniss ahead of you to get her closer to the gates. Your hood fell and Peacekeepers charged towards you. With all of the innocent civilians around, you didn't want them to get caught in the crossfire so you dropped the rifle and pulled out the trident. 

You fought off the Peacekeepers as you saw rebel trucks rolling through the crowd. A small boy ran up to you and kicked you in the knee as you fought off Peacekeepers. The small distraction allowed a Peacekeeper to get the upper hand on you as he took your trident from you and tried to stab you through the chest with it. But because of the programming that Tony and Beetee did to the weapon, the blade disappeared before it could harm you and the part of the staff that he was holding heated until he dropped the weapon. You caught the trident as it fell and stabbed him through the chest. 

You pulled it out and rushed to find Katniss when everyone stopped as Capitol hovercrafts loomed over the pit of children and dropped parachutes as if they were gifts from sponsors. The children reached out to them in excitement. You had just found Katniss when the parachutes exploded. 

The two of you fell back and you hit your head hard on a broken piece of concrete. Everything went to black as you heard nothing but screams. 

When you woke up, you were in a hospital. It was white and bright. You'd been in there before but not in District 13. This was the hospital in the Capitol. Your heart picked up with fear until you realized that your hand was being held by Wanda as she slept in a chair by your bedside. 

Your heart rate on the monitor slowed down as you calmed. You wiggled your fingers to try and bring circulation back to them. As you did, you felt the familiar shape of your medallion pressing against the palm of your hand. Wanda sat up as she felt you move. “Oh thank goodness!” She cheered as she finally saw your eyes open. She leaned in and kissed on the mouth then she leaned her forehead against yours with closed eyes. “You came back to me,” she whispered. 

“I promised, didn't I?” You replied with a raspy voice. 

She laughed through the tears that started to fall in her relief. “You can't make that promise again because you're never leaving my side again. Do you hear me? Never,” she demanded as she pulled back to look at you. Her eyes danced as they scanned your features. “Our child needs you almost as much as I do,” she said in a broken whisper. 

“Our what?” Your eyes widened at the news and then it clicked for you. That's the condition she was in that she couldn't leave Thirteen on assignment for. Wanda nodded as she wiped her tears. 

“We can talk more after the doctor sees you,” she said as she hit a button on the wall. You couldn't believe the news. You couldn't believe that the rebels had won. You had no idea that when you were knocked out by the concrete that you would be waking up in a new and free world. It was not how you saw the war ending, but you didn't mind. You were happy it was over.

The rebels won but President Coin didn't. She wanted to implement a version of the Hunger Games with only Capitol children. Any child born in the Capitol or from a female Capitol citizen would be eligible in the first reaping. First. That word led you to believe that there would be future games. That made your future child eligible. You voted against it. But unfortunately, the votes for it outweighed those against. You hadn't realized that Katniss was angry about the loss of her sister until you heard about Prim’s death. 

Then at the ceremony where she was supposed to shoot President Snow with an arrow, her aim went a bit higher and instead pierced President Coin in the heart with her arrow. A rush of people fled towards the stage to aid Coin as she fell to the front of it. Snow laughed himself to death as he choked on his own blood. Katniss was about to eat a nightlock pill before Peeta took it from her. She was then taken into custody. You couldn't see her for days while a committee discussed her fate. 

You did speak to her character when the committee brought you in for questioning. In the footage of the day, they caught a moment between the two of you when she looked at you and you looked away with a disappointed expression. They used that to accuse you of knowing that she planned on killing the president. You revealed Coin’s shocking plans for the future Capitol Games. You didn't go into the details of the disagreement, you only revealed that there was one. 

She was sent to District 12 on conditions that you weren't clear on because they were highly confidential. But there were rumors. When you got the chance, you visited her to find out what she was thinking when she voted to have a new version of the Hunger Games and what she was thinking when she shot Coin instead of Snow. You had so many questions for her. But, when you found her in her home you decided that it didn't matter what her motivations were. She was lost in her grief. Peeta lived in the home he was awarded after their games and he said that he checked on her when she allowed it but there wasn't much else he could do for her other than keep her alive until she was ready to live again. 

You thanked him and offered your support whenever he or she needed it. Then you returned to District 4. There, you and Wanda were helping the district rebuild. She loved it in the district more than either of you thought she would. She was able to bond with the community better than she did when she was in the Capitol. Even her twin brother, Pietro, found a life for himself in District 4. 

The two of you didn't marry until after the baby was born. Well, babies. Wanda gave birth to Tommy and Billy in the new District 4 hospital that you helped build with a team of men and women and other non-gender conforming persons. They were the first boys to be born in the new world. The first baby to be born after the war was over was a girl. She was born a couple of months before the twins were born. 

You cried as you held your sons in your arms. Not only because there were so many close calls that almost prevented you from experiencing the moment. But because without the war, without the games, without all of the hardships, those boys wouldn't exist.  You never thought that you'd ever be grateful for the suffering you endure until you held your boys and thought of them as the reward. 

For the wedding Pietro and Johanna each carried one of the babies. Johanna was your best woman and Pietro was Wanda’s man of honor. Each baby had a ring that was attached to a pillow. Finnick officiated the ceremony. Many were in attendance, including a much healthier Katniss and Peeta. You attended their own private wedding ceremony a few years later. Surprisingly, a sober Haymitch Abernathy with a ring on his marital finger and a smile as he sat next to his wife, Effie Trinket. She didn't think Effie Abernathy had the same ring to it. Your wedding wasn't televised and you were grateful for the privacy as you and Wanda celebrated the union with the people that mattered in your lives. It wasn't a show for strangers to tune into or to be inspired by. It was just a fun night that celebrated love. 

Life was good.

But life wasn't good throughout the entire country. There were still people that weren't entirely happy with the changes that were being implemented. People were losing jobs. Not everyone had a home to return to and those that did had expected an upgrade for their troubles. Things weren't moving at the pace that everyone wanted. You carried a guilt for having such a peaceful life that you chose to get involved in anyway that you could.

“I have to go to the Capitol next week,” you sighed as you told Wanda with a frown while you laid with her in bed. 

“What for?” She asked as she sat up. 

“I have to meet with the head of the housing department to discuss a few things and offer my help,” you stated vaguely, you were tired and comfortable. You hardly had the energy to go into detail. 

“You have to be careful when you're there, I've heard that crime rates are high right now,” Wanda warned as she settled back against you. “Apparently there’s a group of former Peacekeepers that weren't too happy about losing their positions of power. They've been targeting people from the districts that live in or even visit the Capitol.”

“Please, I've survived an arena and a rebellion. I can handle a bunch of bigots,” you muttered. “But I hear you,” you kissed her cheek. “I'll be careful,” you promised with your eyes closed. “I love you,” you whispered as you started to fall asleep. 

Visiting the Capitol opened your eyes to how bad things had gotten there. It wasn’t the lively city it once was. It looked like any other district before the rebellion and before the rebuilds and renovations. You only saw so much from the back window of the vehicle you were being driven in. But it was more than enough to get your guard up. Your meeting went well with the woman in charge of the housing and other restorations throughout the districts. She was very receptive to your idea’s on the kinds of houses that people should be living in as well as the kinds of fundraising efforts that can be done and the jobs that could be made in each district. She loved the proposal you had put together and when the meeting was over, she invited you out to celebrate. You should have declined but you knew how important networking was for the project. She brought you to one of the more high end bars in the Capitol. The buildings that surrounded the bar were covered in tags and there were tents for the homeless across the street. You couldn't believe it had gotten so bad. 

As you celebrated with the woman, she introduced you to prospective investors. You chatted with many people throughout the night until you were ready to leave. But when you stepped out, the car you called for wasn't there. You looked around confused and that's when someone snuck behind you and pulled a sack over your head. 

You fought against them but more people came along. You couldn't see which made it difficult to tell how many people there were as you tried to fight them off without a weapon. Which one of them had. They hit the front of your knee hard enough to have you collapse to the ground. You were almost certain that they had shattered your kneecap. The group of them kicked and hit you from every direction until you stopped moving. 

Two of them lifted you up by your arms and dragged you to a truck. They drove you to the center of the city and strapped your wrists against the new Mockingjay statue. They burned the old Capitol emblem into your abdomen, then they left you to be found in the morning. 

By the time they brought you down from the statue, there was no saving you. 

Finnick found out from the news that morning. He ran over to your house to try and stop Wanda from turning on the television but he was too late. He walked into the home and found her screaming on the floor as her brother held her. The image of you hanging on the Mockingjay statue was still on the screen. Finnick dropped to his knees and cried into his hands. 

Johanna found out in the home of a woman she'd met the night before. She ran out and got on the first train to Four to find out if the broadcast was just a scare tactic. It was the only thing the news showed all day. But she kept telling herself that it didn't even look like you. That it had to be a fake doll or something. But when she got to Four and found the home of distraught loved ones, she had to accept what she refused to believe. You were gone for good. Your six-year-old boys ran up to her with scared and confused expressions. They didn't know yet. She took them to their room to distract them until she could find out what Wanda was planning to do. 

Peeta was in the hospital when he found out. He asked the nurse to shut off the broadcast while Katniss slept. He shed silent tears as he held their daughter. He was supposed to call you the day before to tell you the news but he thought it couldn't hurt to wait a day. He didn't inform Katniss of your brutal passing until she was discharged from the hospital the next day. She was furious about the delay. 

Haymitch read about the incident in the newspaper. He sat up in his lounge chair, getting ready to tell Effie but she walked into the living room with a tear streaked face and fell into his lap. The older couple held each other tight as they mourned the tragic loss of their friend. 

President Paylor wasn't putting up with the violence in the country from that point. It wasn't the way you imagined making a difference, but your death was not in vain. It opened the eyes to the public and to the government how society was failing. How things hadn't changed enough. Harsh laws were implemented to put a stop to the hate crimes that were being done throughout the country. Rewards were given to those that turned in the murders that committed the acts. It was a sort of witch hunt but the end result was a peaceful Panem. 

When it came to finding the group of people that murdered you, it took a couple years longer than your wife liked. There was a trial. And when they were appointed guilty, Wanda put in the request to be the one to take their lives. It was denied. She wasn't allowed to attend their execution. Finnick did, for her. She needed to hear that they were gone for good from someone she trusted. 

When he returned to Four that night, he confirmed that each of the people had been executed. Wanda broke down and cried in his arms because it didn't change anything for her. You were still gone. She was still angry. 

“You should have promised to come back to me,” she whispered to your grave stone as she kneeled in front of it. “You always came back when you made that promise.” She weaved your medallion between her fingers as she spoke. The action made her feel close to you. She watched you do it for many years. She thought she'd watch you do it for the rest of her life. Although you would have loved to have more time with her, you were grateful for the time that you did have with her. Because your death made a safer Panem for her and your loved ones. 

Though significant sacrifices were made, in the end, you wouldn’t have changed a single thing. 

Or would you?

The Tribute

[imwritesometimes]

me opening an email from the cat rescue I got Santino from, reading about the adoption events this weekend, and going to the website looking at the cats:

[myuninterestinglifestory]

Dating Eddie Munson Headcanons

@nate-the-writing-whore

I'm helping you (but I don't really do hc's so... I tried :)

Eddie Munson being your boyfriend would include but is not limited to

Okay, so.

He's fluffy as hell

He'll bring you flowers and shit regularly

Picking you up for a date?

Flowers

Randomly showing up?

Flowers

Your locker smells like flowers because he'll randomly bring you flowers at school

"Eddie."

"Yeah?"

"Stop bringing me flowers, asshole!"

He doesn't stop because he knows you love it

So you constantly are carrying flowers or smell like them

Your room is practically a flower graveyard (among other things, be honest)

Moving on

He's a druggie, you know this

He lets you smoke with him sometimes, when you beg him (he's a sucker for begging, for future reference--)

But he doesn't let you leave after that

"You smoked."

"So? I have to go home, Eddie."

"You're not leaving. Your parents will smell the... whatever the hell you got out of my box and kill you. Or just never let you see me again."

"Fine."

LOTS of cuddles, because I said so

Wearing his Hellfire shirt after fucking--

Fucking anywhere and everywhere

Quckies in the school bathroom, your house, his house, even the Wheeler's basement on one occasion, his van

The possibilities are endless because you're both constantly horny don't even tell me I'm wrong

You borrowing his rings, his clothes, his last name--

Playing DnD but not knowing what you're doing so you're the loud, dramatic, assistant Dungeon Master

P D A

All the time

Holding hands, kissing, playing with his hair

Alright, you love his hair

Trying different styles on it

Straightening it, on one occasion but you both hated it so you vowed to never do it again except you got french braids out of it, so...

Boyfriends DO lie. You've experienced this firsthand

The night that Chrissy died, he told you that you couldn't come over because his uncle would be home

You went anyway and ended up a pariah because you'd been accused of murder #couple goals

Having what feels like a huge-ass wedding but there's like 10 people there

But let's back up

He asked you out with a DnD pick up line that he probably stole from Dustin

"Are you a Beholder? Because I'd like to be holding you around my arm."

"No."

Your first date went a little like

"You're an idiot."

"Yeah, and?"

"You're my idiot... right?"

"Yeah. I'm your idiot."

He never wants to push you further than you're willing to go

Cause consent is consexy

H I S R I N G S

Anyways ✨WEDDING✨

Steve, Robin, Nancy, Jonathan, Argyle, Edith, Suzie, the party (that's six more, so total... thirteen.)

SUPER informal

Like... he wore jeans and a suit shirt. Like the fake ones that are printed on the shirt. Yeah.

He actually pulled his hair back into a man bun

Dustin officiated because Eddie loves his son little friend

Y'all drove three blocks down the road just out of sight of everyone else before you had your first married life sex

It wasn't mind blowing, but it was pretty great

Eddie's always terrified you'll just up and leave, or realize you're way out of his league

You know, it's whatever

He'll have panic attacks about it and you get to rock him and hold him and he's basically just a soft baby who needs love all the time

NO KIDS

thank you for coming to my TedTalk

[notebooks-and-laptops]

Okay I promise I won't clog people's dash with OFMD too much (it is good, but alas, dragon age hyperfixation hasn't let me go enough to engage in another one quite yet) but...I do wanna say one thing and it's something that a lot of people are saying but hey I wanna get it out of me. So this is a ramble but ya know! Here my main take away:

I read a lot of queer literature. I also read a lot of fanfiction. And while it's not my thing I have dipped into gay comics and have friends who love them (not to mention queer video games this IS a dragon age blog). But never on screen other than in sense8 have I seen queers the way OFMD does it. I mean. They're a found family. They're kissing each other. They're falling in love. They have open relationships. Non binary characters exist. They have homoerotic duels. Idk man. It's very. It's very. And I've kind of been taught to expect that this won't happen in mainstream tv media ever (shows or film) because people are not willing to risk putting gays in their shows, or Disney. Or some media which is 'queer' skirts by on this whole 'why do they have to SAY they're queer, can't you just infer it so we don't have to alienate our straight audiences while y'all all know its supposed to be queer'. Or when we're supposed supposed applaud marvel for putting an unnamed gay man in End Game or be happy when some evil dude is confirmed queer because he had a two second scene where he danced with a dude. And those are the things that are supposed to be 'wins'. And its this constant thing of: you can exist but nor too much. You can exist but not in the limelight. You can exist but do it things that can be hidden away in YA sections even when the author outspokenly says its just as serious as their cishet novels and shouldn't be made to be 'childish' or 'just for young people' by putting it slam bam in the YA section (not that there's anything wrong with gay YA books, but the issue of misclassification of popular queer stories as YA to belittle them (house on the credulian sea, the starless sea) is like. Another huge annoying ramble post), or in hobby writing that we can file away as 'silly teenage girl shit'.

And like OFMD just. Isn't doing that. It's beautiful. It's real. It's gay jokes that my friends would make ('I'm good at keeping secrets! My mother thinks i like girls!'). It's just. I don't get that a lot outside of fanfic/queer literature (very valid media forms but not as mainstream or like I said belittled by wider society) and its just...so fucking refreshing to see it on screen and trending and doing well. And so validating to know that its doing so well! Over marvels tv show of the month or whatever. Because people want this. It can work. They've got the numbers to back it up now. And just. Its so refreshing and beautiful and makes my heart sing so so loud because. I don't know know never thought I'd see that on screen like it was shocking in the best way to see it on screen and working and just being so unabashedly completely wonderfully queer. Because it can work. Queer stories don't have to be marginalised or add ons or whatever. They can be explicit and open and wonderful.

[system-of-a-feather]

was there a turning point for y'all? Like a specific moment in time?

(I ask cuz we had a experience like that- the old host and another core part in our system had a moment where we combined and then unfused- and that changed the entire game lol)

Honestly there are like probably like two points I'd mark as big dynamic shifting parts, but the first and most prominent from like "trying to murder eachother and take over the system with the other out of the picture" to like... trying to figure it out would probably be like... I think it was when we returned to school for either spring or winter quarter for the first time since I was around and well established as a frequent fronter or something. Memory is a bit of a haze.

But like for context, the main "me" at the time we call XIV 1.0 since I've fused since but I still primarily identify with that part - but XIV 1.0 was a very extreme perpetrator alter with a lot less breath than I have now for emotions and foresight than I do now (which says something since I am still emotionally restricted), but to keep things short I - at the time - only really felt emotions in the apathy to sadistic to annoyed and angry and I was 100% cool with that since - in my own words - "Annoyance and anger are my favorite emotions".

(TW: physical abuse)

That shit fueled my ability to basically beat our abusive father into not being abusive and allowed us to essentially take over our house, but when we were out of the house it just left this chronic and compulsive instinct to dominate, humiliate and fuck up any environment and system I was in then rebuild it my way, So like, my trauma perpetrator headass realized I was here, snickered, and went on a fucking multi month doing shitty asshole things both to the system and those around me cause its was funny and fun to me and the only real "positive" affect I was able to get.

(TW cleared)

Anyways, that started to turn around a bit cause despite me being a complete and utter asshole trying to garner negative attention Lucille and Ray (protector/caretaker, gatekeeper/protector respectively) actually maintained really patient, mature and best faith approach to me and were really honestly not actually giving me the fight back I lowkey was looking for. And at some point I think I did something slightly neutral or beneficial for the system, I forget exactly what, but I had put like one (1) grain of salt of doing something nice and those two actually were like, nice about it and proud of me and if I'm completely honest, I fucking got a taste of that positive attention and the sweetness of it all and was fucking hooked and wanting a second bite.

And so we ended up going back to university and I was like OK well I want another hit of positive attention cause "that shit is more potent than negative attention lol" and put like 3 seconds into trying to be helpful when Riku was immediately burnt out to which they essentially told me to fuck off since they already had too much and were stressed the fuck out without me being me and that became this huge implosion where to keep shit short I was like "Lol ok I tried being nice and you be like that fine if you want to be a shitty host that sucks at life Ill just fucking take over and shove you to hell" which was a great month or so.

But at a certain point Ray - being really tired of the two of us having gone on like this for half a year - sat us down and spelt it out clearly how we were both being fucking idiots in communication and gave us both some strict rules and guidelines for talking to one another since we had essentially both been triggering the shit out of eachother the whole time and thus sending us both into our respective trauma responses.

Honestly the following months after that are a bit hazy, which I guess is probably time wise around the time I fused unknowingly with another part, but combining that moment of actually realizing that positive attention was fucking good and addictive even if it was MUCH harder for me to get than negative attention and having a clear sit down over communication issues that plagued how we interacted with eachother really set the foundation for things to be better.

It took like another half year for us to be anything on somewhat "goodish" terms where we just kinda like, learned to tolerate eachother - and then another half year to actually figure out a rhythm, and then another half year to actually reach this really high level of synergy we have - so it wasn't like a sharp turning point, but it is probably the most key one since it set the foundation.

-XIV

-----------

Yeah I'd probably agree with XIV as that probably being the first time cause once I started using Ray's advice on how to not set XIV 1.0 off I found him stressing me out SIGNIFICANTLY less since I was triggering him less. Gaining some frame work in how to like actually break the cycle of him stressing me out, me pushing him away and setting him off because I'm stressed, him getting mad and doing shit out of spite and revenge, me getting stressed, over and over was like UBER helpful for like actualy changing the pacing of shit XD

Also its less a clear "turning" point overall for us, but sometime after we started trying to somewhat work together (it wasn't going the best) we were having a really big Trauma Time issue cause the other subsystem of a part that was big Trauma Holder had everyone really stressed and flooded - and I had managed to get things seemingly under control until XIV was kinda blindsided by the brain going back on Its Shit and had a relapse in his Wing Chun class (at the time his coping and happy place)

And for some reason, despite it really stressing me out like intensely cause I was caught off guard and had assumed we were in the clear and was REALLY stressed that out of nowhere the asshat went back on his shit, in the midst of the confusion and stress it had occurred to me that like... dude had a trauma response and while I was stressed about having to deal with it and the emotional toll of being thrown right back into instability, that like he was the one who ACTUALLY was experiencing the shit.

And it really clicked in my brain at a certain point that I was like ah wait. He's not really a parasite invading but just another guy like the rest of us who is traumatized and - like everyone else in this system - is very used to and adept to having to deal with our issues by ourselves and function and cope independently with the little we had. And then I sat there and I was like okay yes this is super stressful and inconvenient for me, but I'm not the one who just got super triggered in the place they are supposed to be the least triggered and I'm not the one self isolating as a result so even if I am stressed to hell and back and in shock, I really should be a change in history for him here and you know, check in with the little spoons I had.

I kinda realized neither of us really ever had anyone other than our "brain parents" (not even actual parents but we call them that cause theyre heavily parental) and ESPECIALLY not in a time when we have been factually inconvenient, stressful, and acting out, and I kinda realized at that point that I really didn't want to continue that here. I knew how shitty it was to be stuck by yourself dealing with crap, even if you are used to it and expect it and I really didn't want to do that anymore.

And so when I reached out it was met with a heavy "bro thats gay Im fine lol I can handle myself" as expected, but there was a genuine sense of appreciation and honestly being able to be there when I didn't *have* to be was also just a very warm and bonding moment and like... I just kinda decided I was really really done having a me vs him dynamic even if I was being put on the defensive because I really didn't benefit from that bad blood and nor did he.

I found that I really liked being their for him and that it felt really comforting to be able to provide another part of myself with the unconditional support that none of us ever got - even if I wasn't the one receiving it, and after a few months of me keeping that he started also picking up a similar mentality and it was being reciprocated and once we were both heavily reciprocating that dedicated unconditional familial love like.... there was literally no stopping us XD

I really started to find from that point onwards that I REALLY liked giving parts in our system unconditional love - XIV in particular since it was heavily reciprocated at a certain point - and not only was that really healing for the system but also for me to just really genuinely enjoy that kind of self love.

Cause at a certain point, I stopped trusting, meeting needs, listening to and doing things for XIV because I "wanted to have good blood with him" or because I wanted him "to calm down and be better" but just because I knew that he was doing what he was doing for a reason and because I really wasn't going to choose anyone or anything over him because he's me and, more than anyone, I can always rely on him to have my back because we SHARE THE SAME BODY AND BRAIN AND LIFE

And so I really realized that if XIV is upset about something, even if its something I really like, I am always always always going to take that serious and into consideration because nothing is more important than the relationship and dynamic I have with my literal factual other half. I've cut off a lot of friends the past few months due to XIV having issues with them and/or finding them problemtic and not good for us, some really long term close friends among that and honestly, none of those decisions I regret. They really helped us prioritize our needs and our system over other things, and had REALLY heavily reinforced the care and dedication the two of us have towards one another.

So am I a bit sad to have lost friends I had little issue with? A bit. Do I regret it? Not at all. We've grown SO much as a system since establishing this dynamic and this unconditional reciprocated complete loyalty to one another that the drifting of previously close friendships as we develop as a person is a very very small price to pay.

So ride of die man. If I can't be happy WITH XIV, then good god are we going to go down trying. No future image that doesn't accommodate BOTH of us is worth it. And since I'm good with (to a fault) of looking ahead and planning where we are going in life, I have very little issue worrying about not being able to find that. Every aspect that I think that is important to "my happy life" is second to "suits all parts" but if I'm honest currently its "suits XIV and I and I'm working on making it extend to all parts but I'm human".

But like... literally would drop almost any aspect of my perfect future should it be necessary to make sure we are both on track to living a life that makes us both happy. If it only serves me and is a detriment to another part, then its simply not worth it. And that honest to god mentality has carried me fucking far ngl.

-Riku

[itsadamcole]

but ... it’s valentine’s day

fem!reader x jon moxley

reader loves Valentine's Day, but Jon isn't the biggest fan of the holiday and he makes sure everyone knows that ...

word count: 2.2k+

warnings: kinda fluffy, public touching and a little teasing, smut

— we’re gonna ignore the fact that this is being posted almost 2 months late. okay? okay. —

masterlist || request an imagine here

~ 18+ content below - read at your own risk ~

You walk back to your locker room after your match with Britt Baker. You're all sweaty and feel gross, even after you've wiped most of the sweat away. The match was for the number one contender's tournament, and you lost but you're happy for your best friend since she advanced, even if it was because she beat you.

The door closes behind you and you fall onto the little loveseat with a sigh. You close your eyes for a second, literally one second, when the door opens and you hear your boyfriend ask, "Why does everyone make a huge deal about Valentine's Day?"

"It's a day to show some extra love to your significant other," you say, closing your eyes again. "Balloons, chocolates, and romantic dates. You know, it's a thing."

Jon sits beside you and says, "I can give you balloons, chocolates, and romantic dates any day of the week."

You look over at him and say, "You haven't given me balloons or chocolates. Romantic dates, yes, but not the balloons or chocolates."

He blinks at you and says, "I don't have to give you balloons or chocolates. I give you the hottest sex you'll ever have, whenever you want."

"You do," you giggle. "Maybe I'd like some chocolates and balloons today though."

Your boyfriend moves closer to you and puts a hand on your thigh. "Or," he says, kissing your jaw. "I can just give you some hot sex again." A sigh escapes your lips and you smile.

Jon rubs your thigh a bit as you say, "I have to shower and I do want to at least do dinner tonight since it is Valentine's Day. Then after that, all the hot sex you want, baby."

He looks at you and asks, "Can I join you in the shower?"

"As long as you promise you won't try anything and actually let me shower," you tell him, standing up.

Jon nods and says, "I promise, baby."

He doesn't keep his promise. Not at all.

***

You get home after Jon turned a 20 minute shower into an hour-long shower. Dinner is very late because you had a match, and because of the long shower, but you still get dressed up to go out. You dress into a two piece red dress. The top is lacey, almost see through and has long sleeves. The neck dips low, revealing a lot of your cleavage, and it's cut like a crop top. It hugs your body. You know Jon will love that, especially since it reveals a decent amount. He'll also love the fact that the skirt is short and tight. You put on red heels and put your hair up in a high ponytail, adding some light makeup after. Not too much though.

Just so you can use it against Jon later, you don't wear any underwear. You're completely commando.

Jon waits downstairs for you. He sits on the couch and scrolls through his phone. You click into the living room and clear your throat. "Ready?" you ask.

Your boyfriend looks up from his phone and his eyes almost bug out of his head. "Damn, baby," he says. "I don't know if I can make it through dinner with you looking like that."

You walk over to him and stand behind him. He's looking back at you as you lean down, putting your hands on his shoulders. You say, "I have a surprise for you after dinner, but you have to be good. Okay?"

Jon says, "I can't promise you that. Look at what happened last time I promised you I wouldn't do anything."

"Touche," you giggle. "Come on. Dinner then sex, I promise."

Your boyfriend reluctantly gets up and leaves with you to go to dinner.

Both of you decided on the way home that you would just go to a nice place that wouldn't be completely booked since it's late on Valentine's Day. Most couples would be home by now so you're hopeful to get a table pretty quickly.

You do have to wait a little bit. You sit with Jon in the waiting area on a comfortable bench that's cushioned. Jon sits very close to you. You look over at Jon, saying, "You better not do anything, Jon. Or no present for you."

He holds his hands up and says, "I'm not doing anything to you, baby. I promise. See? Hands are up and I'm not touching you."

A smile forms on his lips and you shake your head, a smile forming on yours. "You are really testing it," you say.

"I'm not testing anything," he says. "But I still don't get romantic dates on Valentine's Day. I can take you out whenever you want to. Why couldn't we stay home and have sex or something."

You say, "Because Valentine's Day is about spending the day doing romantic stuff. Not about how hard you can fuck me, Jon. I know how hard you can fuck me and I've learned the hard way just how hard you can fuck me."

He snickers a bit and says, "You really couldn't walk for the rest of the day."

Laughing, you say, "I couldn't. That was your fault."

Jon smirks, proud of himself. You take his hand and rest your head on his shoulder.

Soon after, your name is called. A table is ready, and the hostess leads you to the table. Jon sits adjacent to you and you begin looking over the menu.

Younger couples surround you in the restaurant. The couple that are parents are probably home with their kids at this point.

A waitress comes up to you and Jon, saying, "Hi, my name is Andi and I'll be taking care of you tonight. What can I get y'all to drink?" She has a slight southern accent.

Jon says, "A bottle of your finest wine for the table, please."

"Anything for you, darlin'," the waitress says, writing down Jon's request. You blink at the waitress as she walks off.

You continue to look over the menu, trying to find something to eat. It's a fancy restaurant so there are steaks and there are pasta dishes. You're not really in the mood for anything specific.

The waitress comes back with a bottle of wine and two glasses. "Okay, what can I get y'all to eat?" she asks.

You say, "I'll have the broccoli chicken alfredo. Can I get some extra alfredo sauce on that please?"

She nods and asks, "And for you, handsome?"

That little comment made you a little angry, you won't lie. You stare at Jon and he says, "I'll take a 12 ounce sirloin steak with mushrooms and onions. And for the sides, I'd like a loaded baked potato and french fries."

He got french fries. He knows you love french fries and he knows you'll snack on them. A smile forms on your lips.

The waitress nods and walks off. You pout a bit at Jon.

"What's wrong, babe?" Jon asks, looking at you. "Are you feeling okay? Sore from your match?"

You say, "She was flirting with you."

Jon reaches out and tucks a piece of loose hair behind your ear before he says, "I didn't notice. My girlfriend is looking sexy right beside me."

Blood rushes to your cheeks, warming them. Jon laughs as you blush. "It's not funny," you say.

"You're cute," Jon says. "And I love you."

You smile a bit and say, "Okay, fine. I love you too."

He leans over and pecks your lips. When he pulls back, you lean into him and press a longer kiss to his lips. One of Jon's hands slip between your thighs under the table. You put your elbows on the table and put your head in your hands. You look at Jon as his fingers slip further up your skirt.

A soft gasp leaves your lips as Jon surprisingly discovers you're not wearing any underwear. A mischievous smirk forms on his lips. "You're leaving yourself vulnerable to me, Y/N," Jon starts.

"You are not fingering me in the middle of a restaurant," you loud whisper at him. "So help me, Moxley. No surprise for you."

Jon chuckles and he just plays with your clit under the table. You have bite your lip to stay quiet. You feel yourself getting more wet with every movement of his fingers. This goes on until your meals get to the table.

Both of you are very turned on at this point because of him teasing you and touching you under the table so after you're done eating, Jon pays the bill and quickly leaves with you. You get in the car, and Jon gets in too. He drives to your shared house. You've taken off your heels by this point so you can get inside quicker.

It takes about two seconds for Jon's lips to find yours as soon as the door is closed. He presses your back against the door as you start to unbutton the buttons on his nice button-up that he wore to dinner. He quickly sheds the shirt and it drops to the floor. Your tongue slides into his mouth.

Jon's hands are on your thighs before he picks you up. You wrap your legs around his waist as Jon walks into the living room. He drops you on your back on the couch, breaking the kiss. You sit up and undo the button on his pants. You can see the very obvious bulge in his boxers when you pull his pants down. You trace the print of his dick for a second before you pull the boxers down.

You gently begin to stroke his member. Jon sighs softly before grabbing a handful of your hair. "Be nice and suck it," he almost commands.

"I didn't hear a 'please'," you say, smirking.

Jon says, "The only time you'll hear the word 'please' tonight is when I'm fucking you and you beg me for more."

The dirty talk is definitely a turn on for you. You bite your lip and take his dick in your hand before you take him in your mouth. You begin bobbing your head, using your hand for what can't fit in your mouth. Jon's hand is still in your hair as he begins to thrust into your mouth.

You hum around him. You know that drives Jon crazy. Your hands are on his thighs and you grip a little bit. Jon grabs your ponytail and tilts your head back after a moment, his member sliding out of your mouth. You stare up at him and wait for him to do something.

Jon takes off the top of your two piece dress before taking the skirt off. He smirks when he sees that you’re now completely naked. He knows you went completely commando under your dress.

“You’re so bad, Y/N,” Jon tells you.

You grab his wrists and pull him onto you. He braces himself on the back of the couch and looks at you. “I had to learn from someone, didn’t I?” you say innocently.

He pushes you onto your back and puts your legs over his shoulders. “I know you learned from me, Y/N,” he says.

A smile forms on your lips as Jon lines himself up with your entrance. Without warning, he slams into you. It’s not as painful as it used to be because he almost always starts out like this when you have sex. You’ve gotten used to it, but it feels more pleasurable than painful.

“God, fuck,” you cuss. “Do it again.”

He listens to you and thrusts hard into you again. You moan out his name and grasp onto the couch cushions. Jon hovers above you as he begins to repeatedly slam into your core. Your moans are loud almost from the start.

Jon goes harder and harder every few thrusts. You gasp and moan. When he finds your g-spot, you scream, “Jon! Right there! Please don’t stop.”

Your moans and the sound of skin slapping fills the house. You grasp onto Jon’s arms, digging your nails into the skin as he fucks you.

A pit forms in your stomach and you know you’re close, but you still need to give Jon his Valentine’s Day present.

So, much to Jon’s surprise, you roll so you’re straddling his dick, which is still inside of him. Jon stares up at you and you begin to bounce up and down on his member. Your moans are loud and his hands are on your waist.

The pit in your stomach explodes without warning and you release around Jon, moaning his name. Jon cums inside of you, not wanting to dirty the couch cushions. You’re okay with it.

You collapse onto Jon’s chest. You bury your face in his neck and he wraps his arms around your shoulders. Both of you lay and catch your breaths.

“Best Valentine’s Day sex we’ve ever had,” Jon pants. “You need to top me more often, Y/N.”

A smirk forms on your lips and you say, “With pleasure.”

[inquisitorius-sin-bin]

13 and 21 for the ask!

Thank you so much for asking!

13: What’s your favorite urban legend?

Okay, so I shared one about my maybe local vampires here, but I'll share another one, this one is pretty personal.

The place where I work and the land across the street from it has a very long history as a park, but in the late 1800's and very early 1900's it was used as a pauper's cemetery and has ~5000 unmarked graves buried underneath. So whenever construction is done there or at the botanical gardens across the street, archeologists have to be called in for consults and proper handling/studying/relocation of remains when appropriate. But not only was it a pauper's cemetery, there was also a halfway home, a tuberculosis ward, and a prison and execution site on grounds. So when they went to go build the rose gardens at the botanical gardens, they actually found like 3-4 more grave sites that were not marked as part of the original cemetery plots. Which is to say: who knows who all is down there.

Anyways, the people on night shift have reported seeing all kinds of things, like an apparition of a little girl near our swan ponds at like 10 PM. Or an old woman walking around the Primate Building at night, long after we closed. I never really believed in ghosts, but I did have one really strange experience on closing shift one time.

I was the last Aviculturist there for the day, and my job was to bring the Lorikeet flock into their night house for the evening. Their dinner was already put inside by my coworker who left at 5, so all I had to do was put in fresh water, open the doors, and count the birds as they came in to make sure they were all accounted for. So this is a flock of ~60 very loud, enthusiastic parrots, who are sitting in the tunnel screaming and knocking on the door to be let in because they want their dinner. I fill up their water bowls, turn off the sink, put the water down inside the night house cages, and then open up the doors to let them in.

Normally, they come rushing in, and it is honestly a struggle and you have to have particular methods to count them all. This time, when I opened the door, they all fell completely silent, and not a single bird moved to come inside. Out of ~60 birds. They just stood in the tunnel and stared. And I get this chill because this is so weird, and then on the complete opposite side of the room, the sink suddenly kicks on full force.

I go over, turn off the sink water, and then the Lorikeets return to normal and start making noise and coming inside like nothing was ever amiss in the first place. but y'all, this was weird. I still don't really believe in ghosts and I definitely think there could have been something screwy with the water pressure or something, but now I definitely take my coworkers' weird stories a little more seriously.

21: Have you ever snuck out?

Sorta not really. My parents really sucked so they would scream and yell and get into huge fights with me and lock me in my room and I would climb out onto the roof just to get away, but I couldn't exactly go anywhere because suburban America is so car dependent and my car was locked in the garage. Also they tracked my phone, so even if I was where I said I was, sometimes the phone would mess up and say I was somewhere else and I'd get a phone call and they'd scream at me.

I remember one time in high school I had this crush on this other girl and my parents didn't like that, so they forbid me from going to see her. Well one time I was staying late in art class and my phone somehow messed up my location and said I was at her house (which was near the school) and my dad called me and yelled at me until I cried and I had to put my art teacher on the phone so he would believe where I was. Man. I wish I was born before helicopter parenting was a thing. And now kids have it even worse with like Life360 and whatnot.