#idk. im not getting more into this rn. i need a professional actually. | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

psychabolition · 2 months ago

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im fully willing to abandon all psychiatric labels. how do i describe my experiences (paranoid/delusional under psychiatric models) without them? should i describe my processes of thought as necessary as it comes up instead? how do i accept these as the way i am?

Idk what this entails for * you personally this is just my experience.

When I was in the psych ward they thought I was schizospec in the first 2weeks of staying there and they denied me so much agency... so if youre experience w stigmatization is similiar then what I think is most important is that you are aware that you are the person who ALWAYS knows who you are and what you need best, ALWAYS. even if youre genuinely confused who you are and whats going on then youre STILL the person who knows yourself best and what you need.

a pervasive and defining pattern of institutions is the (mis)use of language (this includes all diagnoses generally and also words like "symptom" and "illness/disorder/dysfunctional") to reframe experiences in a way which shifts blame onto the institutionalized/pathologized person and, crucially, shifts blame away from the institution or any of its actors. this neoliberalism of emotional response conveniently absolves the institution (+ often structural violences in general) of responsibility, destroys the institutionalized person's sense of trust in their own intuition, fosters dependence on the discerning, 'objective' eyes of the institution, protects + obscures abusive practices, and prevents the formation of solidarity + connection among institutionalized people.

Part of getting away from this institutional gaslighting for me was to "avoid the circular, essentialist, and socially violent logic of "well i do x because i have y condition (which was diagnosed based on clinician observations of x)" which made me think that my brain is broken in a way requiring me to submit to expert clinical management and surveillance"! I stopped thinking things like "I'm suicidal because of my depression" or "I hallucinate because of my dissociative disorder" because these descriptive labels (=my diagnoses) cant explain anything, theyre never the CAUSE of anything. This actually made me feel way less "helpless" and all my struggles suddenly made way more sense to me because I actually started to ask myself where they were coming from instead of instantly thinking its my brain/mind thats randomly being dysfunctional. So actually you dont have to accept that "this is just the way you are" - if youre in extreme mental pain then its not your fault and there is a reason and the people around can change and show solidarity and you arent helpless against the bad societal/communal circumstances that youre in rn (like being extremely isolated or not having support or being stuck in a nuclear family situation where youre still property of your parents - just as examples).So what Im saying is, dont accept that this is the way its going to be forever for you - demand societal change.

Then one main thing that I noticed for myself is that when you stop using the psych lingo that you learned via therapy (symptom, cognitive distortion, delusion, depression, anhedonia, ...) and instead "humanize" your experiences (describe how you feel and the context in which you feel this way and all this without mentioning diagnosis or symptom-words or words like healthy/unhealthy or maladaptive, ...) you automatically connect more w people since other people relate to you more and understand you more. Because the process of being given a diagnosis is in itself Othering (especially when its as stigmatizing as schizospec diagnoses are!!) since the people around you think that theyre not qualified to help you and they isolate you by saying things like "you need to go to a professional . I cant help you." But tbh I also additionally talked a lot abt anti psych and psych propaganda w my friends so they stop thinking like that (like for example so they dont look for "warning signs" and dont tell me any patronizing bs anymore or worse, call the cops on me but instead support me and try to understand where Im coming from no matter how crazy I sound to them.).

Also I started to stop using words that dont blame me for my mental distress and depoliticize what I went through in the past (=trauma - ); that make more sense to me and that arent inherently seperating my mind/body/brain from myself.

This is a good example of someone pathologizing their experiences and how the person could depathologize them by "humanizing" them.

I personally like the concept of neurodivergency. Ik that a lot of people use it to simply mean adhd and autism nowadays but it originally meant "everyone who deviates from neuronormativity ( =whats societally deemed normal to think/feel/do based on your assigned gender/age/socioeconomic status/...)". I like this concept bc you can deviate for any reason from the norm and this norm deviancy can develop out of awful experiences but also really good experiences or a newly developed political consciousness that critiques the status quo. People who are neurodivergent arent only people who fit a criteria for a DSM or ICD diagnosis anymore, theyre just anyone who differs from the norm in thinking/feeling/acting. This way "neurodivergency" also includes people who suffer more severely than others under the current societal hierarchies (=patriarchy, isolation /living conditions under capitalism, police, legal justice system, psychiatry as an institution, amatonormativity ... ).

also for me personally depathologization of my experiences literally included coming out as queer lol. My queerness was pathologized via personality disorder labels by telling me Im confused about my identity and that my disorders are actually causing this norm deviancy. Which is really dumb when you think about it because my personality is obviously "causing" my queerness lol - all I am is my personality! I basically suffered conversion therapy as sb whos asexual and agender which I thought was helpful back then bc I was suffering under heteronormativity/amatonormativity/allonormativity/ generally under the gender class system and thought that its somehow my fault bc I wasnt able to see these norms being reinforced in my social surroundings and in general society. This is why I like the concept of seeing neurodivergency as queer and queerness as neurodivergent (=its called neuroqueer lol). This post explains it - maybe this is also relevant to you without knowing it. I also didnt realize at the time that this is what they were doing to me.

also I personally started to stop seperating my experiences by my different diagnoses (aspd, dissociative disorder,depression, drug addiction) and view myself and my experiences as more whole and connected .I also dont seperate myself from other people who are labelled as mentally ill anymore (or people who dont have a label like this )- I think the most helpful thing for me would be to find language with other people who are labelled as mentally ill that transgresses diagnoses. Bc we ARE all experiencing very similiar things we just think we dont bc we call it by different psych lingo -names but i guess this new language can only develop with an actual Mad Community . Similar to how the feminist movements created words like "patriarchy, pink tax, male gaze, ...".

Also "Unmasking" similiar to how people who are labelled as on the autism spectrum might be a cool way to feel more comfortable w yourself and connect more authentically with others. (just google it theres lots on the subject, you'll be able to come up with what this would mean for yourself easily.) To me, when others around me accepted me as I am it was also easy to accept myself. I couldve never done this alone in my room just by idk "thinking more positive thoughts about myself" or whatever psychs always tell us to do.

One thing I tended to do when I first tried to get away from the psych labels was calling everything I struggle with "caused by Trauma" and tbh 1)not true and 2) this is the same framework of thinking as the biomedical model (=which says that mental health is no different from physical health) since it also makes all my struggles into an "inner mental health problem" that I need to solve alone for myself and that I personally am responsible for recovering from at fault for suffering from.

Also one last thing that just came to mind: I think a new interpretation of your experiences might include a more communal and whole perspective. For example I call myself an anarchist instead of calling myself aspd/sociopath nowadays. This gives me a new "social role" , a new perspective on relationships to others and some experiences that I called "symptoms" before are not only not reframed but not included in this new identity of mine. Another example is a woman I visited a while ago and everyone called her "the seeing woman" ,shes someone that people go to because she has a very unique perspective on things . I was told she can see the future but idk about that haha .But shes definitely also "neurodivergent" ,if you want to call her that .

This is literally everything that just came to my mind! its everything Ive personally done to reject the pathologization from psychology. What i think is that we can only achieve liberation with another and through each other and that if we're able to imagine it together then a new world and a future where we all have a place in is definitely possible .

#ask #anti psych #mad punk #mad liberation

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thyfleshc0nsumed · 4 months ago

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how does one even get into findom and sex work? im a disabled lass trying to cut a paycheck and no jobs will take me.

I've been doing sex work in some form or another since I was 16 or so, with various levels of success and failure. I've always been pretty low rent and it's always been more or less a con for me, whatever form it takes. So I truly can't speak on getting into the big game or findom. Like I said, that one findom dude was a one in a million, I've never had something like that happen before or since and I doubt I will again.

I use a site called niteflirt, been on there since mid 2019. When it's good it's decent but when it's bad it's bad. Shits so bad out there right now for everyone, dudes aren't dropping what they did even a year and a half ago and on top of that, the competition and prices for featured listings are utterly unreasonable rn and have been since at least last December. Right now, phone sex is basically just bonus cash for me. If I didn't have another form of income, it wouldn't give me what I need. Maybe if I hussled more or shifted focus or did more porn, it could do something for me but idk, not really interested in that ATM.

In my experience almost every dude into findom doesnt have shit to drop like that. It's dudes who are into it like as a fantasy. They work manufacturing or trades if you're lucky. The rare professional/cubicle jockey shows up but even they make less than you think. You might pull 20-50$ from them in a night but that's what you'll pull from the average john on there in a night anyway from chats. These dudes are fucked in the ass by the owning class that the fantasy they have is having enough money to be drained, not the being drained itself by and large. The money is almost always no different than a dude in a similar position who wants you to piss on him or sit on his face.

I find sex work to be personally pretty miserable for the most part. Decent Johns who I actually build some kind of relationship with are the exception, not the rule. There's a lot of duds and short chats that die off after 3 messages. Maybe it's worth it to give it a try for you, maybe not. But the way you get in is kinda just by getting in. I personally think unless you're already in, nows a bad time to get in, but like we do what we gotta so idk

#xoxo

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iiseult · 4 months ago

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Day Off: Jerry Pascal x Vanessa Riggin (part 1)

Note: This is my first time writing anything for this fandom and probably nobody will gaf but i also dgaf so im posting it anyway!!! I needed a break from my other ongoing fics and im kinda obsessed w Jerry rn so this was an easy write.

CWs: Smut, fluff, oral, gas station sex, jerry is lichrally in love, mentions of alcohol consumption, idk just yeah man it's hot stuff

The first time Jerry met Vanessa, she was drunk on a Sunday afternoon. Not that he was judging.

When he heard the little bell above the front door jingle, he looked up from behind the counter and called his usual lackluster greeting of, “how can I help you?”, but it died in his throat and petered out into more of a “how can I- ha…” when he got a good look at her. She was wearing a yellow t-shirt and a pair of hello kitty pajama pants, and a pair of huge black sunglasses covered most of the top half of her face. She made a beeline for the alcohol aisle and, with her left hand, she grabbed the first six-pack of cheap beers she saw. In her right hand she held an empty coke bottle, which she placed in front of him on the counter with a grin.

“D’you think you could get rid of this for me? Couldn’t find a recycling bin outside.”

He kind of knew he was done for once he got a whiff of what was actually inside the coke bottle, and it sure wasn’t no coke. He was never one for professionalism, so he didn’t think twice about nodding dumbly and ringing her up without checking her ID, even though she was pretty obviously underage. He also didn’t think twice about shamelessly chatting her up– a conversation which ended in her appointment as a new part-time employee for the summer. Jerry didn’t actually have the power to hire anyone, but the way he proposed the idea to the owners on the phone later with such dignity and aplomb left them unable to refuse.

“Hey, please buddy, come on, I’m on my knees here! Look, I know you can’t see me, but if you check the security cameras you’ll see that I am literally… literally on my knees!” Jerry cried, tilting his head to the side and holding up prayer hands towards the camera, like a grotesque caricature of the Virgin Mary. Jack pinched the bridge of his nose and groaned for what felt like the millionth time in the past hour, turning around to avoid watching.

“Jerry, besides the fact that she was drunk for the entirety of the… ‘employee interview,’” he air-quoted, “we don’t have enough money to take on another employee! How are they gonna pay her?” Jerry put his hand over the receiver and shushed Jack viciously, a little spit flying out of his mouth, before returning to his conversation.

“Uh-huh…uh-huh…yeah, no, I completely understand, no, totally. Right, right. Of course. For sure. Definitely. Indubitably. Could you just give me one second, please?”

Jerry slumped against the side of the counter and sulked, covering the receiver again and sighing. He looked up at his friend with kicked puppy eyes. “But she’s so hot, dude, I’d hate to disappoint her…we gotta figure something out,” he muttered, when suddenly another brilliant idea struck him. “WAIT! I have had…a thought!” He declared, suddenly jumping to his feet and uncovering the receiver.

“You can give her half of my paycheck!”

So about a month and a half into working side-by-side at the gas station most days of the week, Vanessa and Jerry had grown quite close. He started picking up extra day shifts on top of his usual nights to make it up to the owners, and to spend more time with Van. It sounded like a great idea on June first, but by the time the fourth of July rolled around, he was really starting to look worse for wear. He often worked 24 hours in a row and only had eight-hour breaks between them, during which he’d sleep on a hammock in the dry storage room, not seeing a point in driving all the way home just to come back as soon as he opened his eyes. Jack didn’t seem to mind; all he had to do was remember to knock before restocking the chips. And Van was none the wiser to the entire situation, clueless to the fact that Jerry was sacrificing so much to keep her around.

Despite the fact that it was her day off, Van swaggered into the gas station, cheering when she saw Jerry behind the counter. A goofy smile spread across his face. Even though it was the twenty-second straight hour of his shift and his eyes actually wouldn’t open more than halfway, he felt a warm tingly feeling spread through his body at her presence.

“Hey, what’s up, Van?” he called. She sidled up to the edge of his counter and leaned her elbows on it, gazing into his red-rimmed eyes absently.

“Thought I’d pay you a little visit since I got nothing going on tonight,” she drawled, and the fact that Jerry’s eyes were glued to the neckline of her low-cut top was not lost on her. In fact, it made her feel good inside. He nodded, and without looking back up he said, "Sure glad you did.”

Before she could say anything, the little bell rang and she turned her head to see an actual customer enter the store– a middle-aged man with a poorly concealed beer belly and a backwards baseball cap. She quickly walked around to the other side of the counter and planted herself next to Jerry, their shoulders brushing slightly. He shivered and glanced at her sidelong. She was staring ahead, watching the customer as he approached the counter with an assortment of items in his hands, a large grin on her face. He wanted to say something, to ask what she was up to, but that thought was dashed from his mind when the customer dumped his things in front of him with a loud ‘clunk.’

“Hey, how ya doin’ today,” Jerry said quietly. He rang up the items one by one. The customer grunted in acknowledgement. And below the counter, where nobody could see, Van slowly slid her hand up Jerry’s leg, starting at his knee and settling on his upper thigh. His breath hitched and his face began to heat up. Alarms were going off in his head, and he suddenly worried he had stayed up too many hours at a time and finally lost his mind, but when she gently squeezed his thigh, he swallowed hard. No, it was real. And there was really a customer in front of him, a matter of inches away, watching him attempt to do his job.

“Can I also get a pack of smokes?” the customer rasped, pointing to a pack of reds to Jerry’s left. Van squeezed harder, getting dangerously close to a sensitive area. Jerry cleared his throat and grabbed the cigarettes quickly, his hands shaking slightly.

“Yeah, n-no problem. That’ll be $17.80,” he replied quietly, accepting the twenty from the customer and handing him his change. The man gathered his things and grunted once more, turning around and heading for the door. As soon as he was facing the opposite direction, Jerry let out a sharp breath, his eyes fluttering shut, and discreetly shifted his weight, trying to hide the growing bulge in his jeans.

“Have a nice day!” Van called as the customer disappeared out the front door. As soon as he had, Jerry’s eyes darted around, making sure there was nobody else in the store. There wasn’t. He turned his body to face her, one hand gripping the countertop for dear life.

“Jesus, Van,” he muttered, and he could feel his pulse pounding in his ears. And also in his jeans. She turned so they were facing each other and her hands flew to his hips, holding him at an arm’s length.

“Aww, big boy, you’re so cute when you blush,” she said softly.

Jerry could feel his face getting hotter, could feel the entire room getting hotter. Despite this, he scoffed.

“I do not blush. I just… overheat sometimes. It’s a guy thing- a, a man thing,” he clarified, looking down at her sternly. She only smiled and patted his hip affectionately.

“Yes, you do, Jer, and I love it. Such a pretty boy,” she cooed, rubbing her thumbs over his hip bones. He let out a small sound that was something between a grunt and a whimper.

“Stop it, Van, you’re driving me crazy,” he complained, his voice tinged with amusement. In response she let out a groan, which turned into a low laugh as she noticed how his pants had magically become at least two sizes too small between the legs.

“Aww, pretty,” she chuckled, looking up into his half-lidded blue eyes through her lashes. He blushed deeply, trying not to look into her eyes, his heart stuttering in his chest. This is what he’d wanted so badly since the day he met her, and yet he was paralyzed. He couldn’t tell if she was just playing with him or if she actually wanted him to make a move, but he was betting on the first one.

“Van, please don’t tease me like this,” he pleaded, his voice coming out croaky and low. He stared down at the ground, his golden hair falling around his furrowed brow. She felt a pang of guilt and decided to change tactics, gently sliding her hands up from where they had previously been resting on his hips, and finding a new spot around his slim waist.

“But I’m not teasing you, honey…”

His heart skipped a beat and he shivered, his skin breaking out into goosebumps under her touch. She called him honey, and it left his head spinning. He wanted to believe her, to touch her back the way she was touching him, but he wasn’t yet totally convinced he wouldn’t be making a fool of himself.

“You… you’re not? 'Cause I don't really wanna act like a fool right now,” he replied, his throat dry, and she shook her head. She, on the other hand, loved when he acted like a fool. They did it together all the time! She considered saying as much but decided against it, thinking that maybe she should save that one for later. Instead, she squeezed his waist and urged him to take a step closer, whispering, “No, baby, I’m not teasing.”

There was only a little sliver of space between them now, her chest bumping up against his, and the tent in his jeans brushing almost imperceptibly against her thighs. His hands hovered awkwardly at her sides, unable to decide if he should ask permission before touching her or just do it. He started to speak, to ask “then what…” but the words died in his throat and all that came out was a soft, “Huh?”

She grabbed one of his hands and placed it on her own hip, looking up at him darkly and all but confirming what he so desperately needed to hear– that she wanted him, too. He moved his thumb experimentally up to the hem of her low-rise jeans, brushing the pad of it against her flawless skin, and both of them sucked in a sharp breath, simultaneously experiencing the same shock of electricity. Her reaction filled him with a wave of confidence. He knew he wasn’t just imagining things, that she really wanted him, and that by the looks of things, it was pretty bad. He gently tugged her hips forward, pressing them against his own and grunting softly at the contact. He thought he was ready for it, but he was so hard it was almost painful and he couldn’t stop his hips from bucking into her soft, yielding flesh. She let out a harsh breath through her nose and closed her eyes.

“Jer…”

He craned his neck down and got in her face, breathing heavily and looking at her through his lashes. Those pretty blond lashes framed his big blue eyes so well and she just melted when he looked at her like that.

“You want me, pretty?” she whispered sweetly, gripping his hips a little tighter, possessively. He clenched his jaw and nodded rapidly, whispering back,

“Please, can I have you?” She grinned and nuzzled her face against his neck, pressing kisses to his scruffy jaw and the skin around it. Her lips brushed his ear as she murmured,

“Yeah. Take me to the storage room,” and Jerry sucked in a sharp breath and dug his fingers into her soft hips. When he spoke again, his voice came out rough and strained.

“Y-yeah? You mean it? You want me… right now?” She slid one hand up under the hem of his t-shirt and spread her fingers out over the warm, bare skin there. His body was aching for more, practically vibrating with the need to be closer to her, so he grabbed her smaller hand softly and led her to the dry storage room where he slept. Thankfully, it was only a few steps away, and she quietly closed the door behind them. Jerry leaned his back against it, his chest heaving as his breath came in shallow gasps. Vanessa pressed her body against his, practically draping herself against him, and cupped his face softly.

“Jer, you’re gonna have to be quick,” she muttered. He laughed heartily.

“Oh, trust me, I don’t need much time.” She bit back a goofy grin and slid her hand down to his collarbones, feeling the tingle of heat as it radiated from his skin and invaded her own. He groaned and leaned his head back against the wall, staring up at the ceiling.

“Van, lady, please…” his voice rumbled deeply in his chest, and she felt the vibrations against her bosom. She shivered and sucked in a sharp breath.

“Do you want me to touch you now?” she whispered, cradling his stubbly cheek in her hand and letting the other one fall to rest on his waistband. Jerry nodded frantically, eyes still closed, jaw clenched. She took one last deep breath and blew it out before leaning forward and capturing his lips in a deep, passionate kiss, moving her mouth against his slowly and languidly. His arms instinctually encircled her waist and he held her carefully as he furrowed his brows and kissed back. All the tension, all the months of pent-up frustration and need poured out of him suddenly.

He moaned into her mouth, and she took the opportunity to lick past the seam of his lips and slide her tongue against his, making sure he couldn’t go anywhere by grabbing the back of his neck. She breathed his scent in deeply and pressed every inch of skin she could into his body, and all she could think about was him. In her mind’s eye she saw him, the last expression she had seen him make, his face flushed and brows furrowed. In a frantic attempt to get closer to her, he pressed one palm against the small of her back and another between her shoulder blades. Every flick of her tongue sent a wave of heat through his already overheated body.

When the kiss finally broke, they were both panting, and Jerry had a strange expression on his face, like he was using every ounce of his concentration to make her clothes turn see-through.

“God, Van…” he said, his voice deep and rumbling. She pressed one more short kiss to his lips before dropping to her knees in front of him, and his heart jumped into his throat.“You don’t have to…” he protested weakly, even though his hips were pointing towards her like a magnetic force. She swatted away his words and scoffed, already fussing with his clothes, swiftly unbuckling his belt and undoing the button of his jeans.

“I’ll do a better job later, but this’ll work for now,” she said, grabbing his pants and pulling them all the way down to his ankles in one swift motion. Jerry’s breathing was ragged and desperate, and the promise of there being a ‘later’ to look forward to sent a pang of lust ripping so strongly through him that the room momentarily spun.

“God, Van, I’m so…” he began, his cheeks flushing even deeper as he looked down at her face hovering only inches away from his throbbing need, “…hard,” he finished. He was painfully aware of how badly he wanted her, how sensitive he was, and he was glad this was only meant to be a quickie, because he’d be done for in a matter of minutes. Van kept one hand planted firmly on his hip, and with the other she palmed his bulge through his boxers, unable to look away from it.

“My God, Jer, what is this, like, seven inches? Fuck,” she swore, her mouth already watering. He shivered, already so sensitive that the slightest touch set his nerve endings on fire, threatening to overwhelm him. His length bobbed and strained against the thin fabric, leaving a small wet spot on it.

“Y-yeah,” he managed to gasp out, “About that, I guess.” He was suddenly slightly embarrassed at how much her words obviously affected him, when normally he would have had no shame at all about his body, but there was no way for him to hide his reaction. She pulled down his boxers quickly, his rock-hard cock springing up against his stomach, and her jaw dropped as she finally laid eyes on it, pink and swollen and fat. Jerry’s skin burned under her gaze, the way she was looking at him making him crazy. His hands balled into fists at his sides, but as her eyes widened at the sight of him, that confidence from earlier came back and he couldn’t help but reach out and run a hand through her hair and mumble, “You’re so pretty.”

She grinned and wrapped a hand around him firmly, spitting on the tip, and Jerry couldn’t stop the strangled moan that escaped him, or the way his hips bucked into her fist. He couldn’t believe she was actually smiling, actually volunteering to blow him. It was like she was a wet dream come to life. She pumped him a few times just to get the blood flowing before bringing her lips down and pressing a wet kiss to his tip. As soon as her soft skin made contact with him, he let out a filthy, pornographic moan, his head falling back against the wall. He felt his legs tremble, and he was sure he’d collapse by the end of it if she didn’t stop, but he was also sure he never, ever wanted her to stop.

“Van, ah, that feels so good,” he gasped as she flicked her tongue around his sensitive head, drawing more and more sounds from his lips.

“Good, honey, so good,” she whispered, flattening her tongue against his shaft and dragging it all the way up to spread around the moisture. Once she was satisfied that he was properly coated, she looked up through her eyelashes and swallowed about half of him, keeping her hand curled firmly around what didn’t fit. The way his cheeks flushed and his knees buckled encouraged her to start bobbing her head up and down, her lips still wrapped around him firmly. Jerry had to press his back harder into the wall to keep from falling.

“Ohmygod you’re so pretty,” he repeated, unable to tear his eyes away from her face and the way his cock completely filled her mouth. As a thank you, she started moving her hand in tandem with her head and sucked hard, creating the max amount of friction she possibly could without hurting him. His breath was coming in ragged gasps, his whole body tense with pleasure, and with the effort of forcing himself not to buck into her mouth. Though his hands were buried in her hair, he was gentle, never pulling on it too hard, only holding it to help ground himself. Vanessa began picking up the pace, moving her head faster and continuing to swirl her tongue around the head, occasionally letting it flick across his sensitive slit to make him yelp.

“A-ah!” he cried breathlessly. She hummed around him and tried not to smile, bringing up her free hand to play with his balls. Her finger accidentally grazed his perineum in the process, making him moan out her name, long and deep. She pulled off him for a second and couldn’t help but grin.

“Oh, you like that?” she asked, gently dragging her finger against the area again. His legs wobbled and he groaned, and she squeezed her hand a little tighter around his base, starting to pump him again as her mouth went back to work. She was going fast now, gagging a little as she swallowed as much of him as she could and continued stimulating him with her finger.

“Holy shit, Van!” he moaned, threading his fingers tightly through her hair as his thighs began to shake. “I’m- I’m gonna c-” His sentence was cut off by a loud cry ripping through his throat, and the sound of Van moaning in pleasure around his shaft as he shot his load into her mouth. His entire body shuddered and he had to catch himself before his knees completely gave out. She slowed down a bit but kept going for a few more seconds despite his whines and gentle tugs to her hair, wanting to make sure she milked his cock for everything. She didn’t hesitate to swallow everything he gave her, sticking out her tongue to show him afterwards. Once again, he had to fight to stay upright after seeing that.

“That was…I’ve never…it’s been so long since…” he gasped, looking at her with pure adoration as she got to her feet and pressed a quick kiss to his lips. He could taste himself, musky and slightly bitter, and made a mental note to include some more pineapple in his diet.

“You taste pretty good, huh?” she teased, running her tongue along his bottom lip.

“Ugh, fuck,” he moaned, face going slightly red at that. His heart was beating a million times a minute, his body still buzzing with pleasure as he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close. He wanted to give her some of the warmth he was feeling, show her what she really did to him. He closed his eyes and buried his nose in her hair, inhaling deeply. “Van, you’re so good at that…” he mumbled stupidly, a mindless grin plastered on his lips. Jerry was drunk a lot of the time, but somehow this was not one of those times, no matter how much it seemed like it. Maybe he was drunk off lust, or desire. Or something else. Who knows what kind of chemicals one could inhale while working at the shitty gas station at the edge of town. Van melted into the hug, relishing the feeling of his thick arms caging her in, keeping her warm and safe. But she knew he was in a time crunch.

“Break’s over, sugar,” she whispered, and he made a noise of discontentment and buried his face into her shoulder.

“Don’t wanna,” he mumbled against her skin, his voice half-muffled. She laughed quietly and stroked his dirty-blond hair, almost petting him. He pressed his face into her neck and breathed in her gentle scent, the scent he had come to associate with tenderness over the past month and a half, and a sense of contentment washed over him.

“Didn’t I tell you I’d do a better job later?” she cooed.

“Yeah, but now I don’t think I can wait,” he muttered. Van gently let go of him, pulling back a little so she could look into his eyes.

“I’ll make it worth it,” she promised, “I’ll come by your place after your shift.” Van knew where Jerry lived, and she wasn’t averse to the fact that it was quite literally in the back of an abandoned school bus that was probably illegally parked behind the old Mathmetist compound. She’d been there to play shitty knock off video games and grill various meats a few times before, and it really wasn’t so bad once you got used to it. Especially once Jerry brought out the beers.

He gently released her, his body already missing the feeling of her against him. His mind had already conjured up at least three different scenarios about how the night would unfold later, and at least two of them involved a blindfold and cherry flavored condoms. He gave her a lopsided grin and nodded.

“You better,” he said, his voice still a little raw from earlier. He couldn’t wait for his shift to be over.

#pls interact if ur in this fandom i feel like im alone #tftgs jack #tftgs jerry #tftgs #tftgs spencer #tftgs fanart #tftgs rosa #tftgs vanessa #jerry x vanessa #vanessa riggin #jerry pascal #jack townsend #smut #minimal plot

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agent-aromantic · 1 year ago

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talk about el gato (langur de chat!!!) anf uhhhgmf. cappuccino vs langues parents I just lovb seeing ur ramble posts ok .

Hi i love you so much ok im finally getting to this ask im sooo eepy but oh well my rambles are the best when im exhausted . I think that cappuccino isnt usually intimidated by people ,,, if anything shes the one who usually is intimidating others but for some reason langues parents Actually scare the living shit oit of her like he does NOT want to talk to them ever.

Langues parents dont rlly like her (disorganized, constantly grumpy, messy appearence, smoker, coffee addict, etc. just a bad influence for their perfect precious angel child) but like They arent MEAN about it they just. Respectfully dislike her. they arent even mean or rude to cap in any way but once shes around them she starts acting really awkward and unlike himself like. Trying to stand straighter and sound more professional. they ask her if she likes burgers and shes like "oh great heavens no!! theyre far too greasy for my tastes" and langue is like ??? Are you ok do i need to rush you to a hospital are you havinf a stroke rn

like. its ooc but thats the point and its very funny to me HZBDKFB cappu can ridicule people in court all the time, she doesnt neccesarily care what people think of him and doesnt put much effort in his appearence because of that (unless its something that will actually affect her reputation and interfere with his job), but when langue is like Oh my parents will be there then suddenly for some reason cappuccino is desperately trying to get all the tangles out of her hair with his fingers. Do you see my vision

possibly its because of cappuccinos past experiences with her parents (she had Awful biological parents and equally as bad adoptive ones) but idk . havent thought much about that.

Anyways i do think that cappu grows on langues parents . Langue would hide their relationship for as long as they can (they know that their parebts already dont like cap very much and they are Very overprotective and picky about partners) and while their parents would probably give cap some looks at the start i think . they would grow to like her and probably spoil him just as much as langue . Which she is not used to ! Cappu is not used to supportive and affectoionate parents

ok im gonna eep . thank you for this /gen tbis was so fun to type :3

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lovelysakuryay · 8 months ago

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man if the writers of QoT spent more time with the plot this would have been a FANTASTIC kdrama. I mean it’s very good and entertaining but still there were too many plot holes that i found VERY hard to ignore?

- acting like the internet isn’t a thing? are we for real, that cold stoned hong hae-in really just trusted her ‘external hard drive’ instead of checking things for herself? if she searched up her own name, she would have learned about everything?

- we watched the damn book get thrown in the furnace and the door to the furnace shut, how is it that when the cleaner goes to get the book out of furnace it has barely burnt? surely it would have burnt more than that?

- the storyline about the miscarriage could have been developed more. ITS OBVIOUS THAT BOTH HAEIN AND HYNUNWOO HAVENT MOVED PAST IT SO WHY WOULD WE?

- also was i dreaming or didn’t they film some videos for haein to see after she got the surgery? i genuinely don’t remember if this happened in the show or if i made it up and i cant be arsed to go check

- also what kind of hospital allows a random man to say that he is actually a patient’s fiance when you already met said patient’s fiance? surely when the second fiance turns up you’ll call the next of kin YOU KNOW IS ACC RELATED TO THE PATIENT? LIKE I DONT KNOW PARENTS OR SIBLINGS??

- THE FAMILY HAD SPIES IN GERMANY AND THEY DIDNT PROTECT HAEIN?

- this girl got brain surgery and was out of the hospital within a few weeks, i may be being silly rn but if i’m correct, haein would need to stay near the hospital for post-surgery treatment/monitoring? and lets say that she got her record transferred to a hospital in korea, we did not see her go to the hospital for post surgery appointments once she was back in korea

- at hyunwoo’s trial, they just spring up new evidence?? idk how it works in korea specifically but im studying law and any evidence that isn’t logged by the time of the first trial is either dismissed or allowed into evidence but the trial is rescheduled for when both parties have had the time to adjust their arguments to this new evidence. it doesn’t just GET ACCEPTED AND BELIEVED FOR CREDIBILITY JUST BECAUSE THE DEFENCE SAID SO AND FOR GODDAMN SURE IT DOESN’T ACQUIT THE DEFENDANT STRAIGHT AWAY??? in the least the new evidence would be taken in and analysed by court assigned professionals to make sure it is credible (that could take a few weeks) THEN the defendant would get acquitted.

- Hyunwoo’s sibiling’s relationships. they were just sprung up on us, glossed over and moved onto the next thing

- Finally probably the biggest thing that i cant get past. SHE JUST HAD SURGERY AND IS BACK TO WORK. NOT ONLY BACK TO WORK BUT BACK TO MANAGING A WHOLE ASS LUXURY SHOPPING CENTRE?

#queen of tears #queen of tears episode 16

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traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors · 1 year ago

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Tw for csa, nightmares and flashbacks, csa detail

I just wanna vent

Last night I had a horrible nightmare of getting raped. It lasted for a long time and I'm still shaken from it. It brought back many flashbacks when I woke up. Idk why but even tho it was my mom who sa me, whenever I have a nightmare of sa (which happens a lot) my mom is never the rapist? Like its either my dad or a random person. Which is weird cuz my dad never sa'ed me. Sure he did constantly commented on my body ("your ass is growing, you're growing up!") Which make me feel uncomfortable. And one time he peeked through the toilet when i was using it to see if im on my phone, which was also weird but like he ddint mean to be inapp he just wanted to make sure i wasnt on my phone. But he never really did anything physical. Anyways the nightmare brought back shitty memories. I can still feel her lips and hands on me. It makes me feel so disgusted with myself, I feel like im dirty and gross for it. Ik it's not my fault but I just can't help feeling ashamed. My mom doesn't sa me anymore but she kinda does like.lower forms of it. Like slapping my ass or touching it, but that's normal right? I mean, I don't think she really means it in an inappropriate way, like she might just think it's a cute way of showing affection. My family is really physically affectionate after all, even my dad do that. Idk man I just feel so weird rn. I feel like I wanna get away from my body, like I don't belong in this thing. I wanna rip my skin off just to feel like she's never touched me. I wish she never did this to me, I wish we were a perfect family like how other ppl think we are. Worst part is they act so nice, they're good parents. It's just when I think of my childhood it's pretty messed up. I just keep trying to push down these feelings and ignore them so I can live in this fantasy of having perfect parents, but lately it's been becoming harder to do it. Thanks for listening, I hope u guys have a great day <3

- 💛

Hi 💛,

I'm so sorry about what you've been going through, as well as the dream you had. While you said your dad didn't outright SA you like your mom did, it sounds like he's still made inappropriate comments towards you and touches your butt. Please know that these things are unacceptable and you don't deserve to be treated this way.

It can be confusing when we dream of scenarios that are a bit different from our actual trauma, and it's natural to wonder why these details are changed in the dream. Sometimes our brains experiment with different dynamics to see how that changes the situation. Because for example there is quite a big difference between being raped by a stranger and being raped by your mom, and perhaps entertaining the idea of it being a stranger is a way to navigate and understand the dynamic between you and your mom. But sometimes its more symbolic or metaphorical. For example, if you dream about your dad being the perpetrator, perhaps it could symbolize the ways he makes you feel uncomfortable in your own body. Especially with trauma, it's natural for dreams to be a way to process and make sense of your experiences.

While it's okay for families to be physically affectionate, it must come with a certain level of care and respect for others' boundaries, which sounds absent in your family dynamic. It sounds like your family crosses physical and sexual boundaries under the guise of "normal" affection. Normalizing this behavior is what enables the abuse to continue. Please know that your body is yours and you deserve the right to say who can or cannot interact with it.

If you can access or afford it, a mental health professional such as a therapist can best help you process your trauma, the dreams you've been having, and equip you with useful coping tools that you can take with you along your healing journey.

I hope I could help and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

#mod bun #trauma talks #tw abuse #tw child abuse #tw sa #tw csa #tw r #💛

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whoreishghost · 1 year ago

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i really am despairing and just hopeless in a way that i genuinely dont think ive been before and its rlly fucking with me. like, by all acounts, i am More supported than i have been before, and thats almost part of the problem? i feel ungrateful for feeling So Bad. i don't do Anything, i dont attend uni, i dont write my essays, i dont have a job, i dont clean my flat, i dont rlly cook a lot. of the things that Have to happen so we can continue to live in this flat, or i can continue to access medical services so my life doesnt get worse: those things are often put off way past the last minute and i need a lot of support to do at all. also, rn my life is mostly just calling A Service TM, getting a bullshit response, complaining, calling again, finally getting through to someone who knows whats going on, complaining, rinse repeat. ITS EXHAUSTING! not only that but sitting every day in bed or at my desk refreshing tumblr or staring at my screen saver thinking to myself 'what am i going to do?' and coming to the conclusion of nothing because i have nothing to do, i enjoy nothing, i want nothing, i cant concentrate long enough on anything or process information well enough to do things Anyway. ykw its not even true i dont Want to do anything. i do. i Want to write my essays, on some level i am genuinely interested in the topics. i just Cant. i want to read. i've been pretty keen on reading complaint by sarah ahmed for a while now or maybe rereading whipping girl or even giving notes on suicide another go? but i cant make myself start because i Know that i wont get far and its so fucking depressing. im getting so high, the come down is genuinely distressing because of how scrambled and disorganised my brain becomes and i become so afraid i will be like that forever. and yet i do it EVERY DAY! im struggling extremely badly with some interpersonal shit that has completely destroyed any self esteem or confidence i had in my appearance and my worth. add onto that that i am a massive Massive financial drain and even if i wasnt our finances are just.. Bad? so i was like, ok, fssw time again, that wont be too bad, i can do that. and then i fucking set up by whore phone and downloaded the grindr apk (and it was fucking horrible and evil to do and i hate that evil horrible useless phone) (also did u know u need to send in id for age verification on google now? 101 internet safety says to not do that are u crazy?) and started getting dms and i wanted to cry i got so overwhelmed. like idk if i can do it, but like.. i kinda gotta? idk man. im trying to see things positively? like, i got the form for the work capability assessment and spent all of yesterday photocopying medical letters which detail diagnoses and assessments and reference hospitilisations, etc but also the dwp are evil so who knows if its enough? im trying to get my pip reevaluated but they havent even sent me the Form for that yet? so again! who! knows! i feel like im in beurocracy hell and i cant leave? my uni are trying to work with me, but multuple medical professionals have told me to interrupt or drop out and like if people who are meant to be like have something in your life to keep you going dont think i can do it, what chance do i have of Actually doing it? i dont know what to do anymore.

#kankum #brain tag

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bigender-cowboy · 5 months ago

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oh boy I think I saw this once but didn’t know what the fuck snogging was so let’s go!!!!!

1: Uhm. With my father. DEFINITELY NOT THE OTHER THOUGH!!!!!

2: My friend

3: not really actually. I’ve fully accepted everything I’ve ever done that I could actually regret.

4: nah. like the last thing I’ve embraced it all.

5: I have a partner and he’s VERY silly

6: for a good cause. preferably quick, but it doesn’t have to be.

7: uhhhh pasta with ketchup and sugar on it

8: hockey and ig if you count it archery. some people don’t though so. nothing professional.

9: Yes but not out of anxiety. ITS BECAUSE I ALWAYS BREAK THEM AND THEY GET UNEVEN

10: uhhhh idk some time this summer. last few months.

11: guys I might like my partner im not sure though

12: yeah and I’ve stayed up later than that. its not the hardest.

13: oh. yes. many people. its actually hard to get on that list but im autistic and people no no my things when i say them

14: yeah

15: three fish two cats

16: incredibly bored although I am getting amused by silly things

17: no why the fuck would I go in the bathroom to make out that is a stupid fucking spot

18: AAAAAAAAAA

19: NO!!!!!!!!!

20: bed (also it wasn’t sexual we were confused what the hype was about. we’re still confused what the hype is about)

21: me and my partner are in Maine rn with his family so probably rest because I get back to his place Saturday and im probably going home Sunday

22: no. IM ALREADY FATHER/SIBLING FIGURE TO LIKE 5 DIFFERENT PEOPLE IM DONE WITH THAT

23: no I used to have 3 on both ears and they all got ripped out/horribly damaged in different ways that all led to hospital trips

24: History. My teacher said I knew more than he did once. So.

25: not really. If it’s IN the past my mom but not her present form.

26: hot chocolate and powdered donuts

27: bi girls love me or something (yes)

28: nope

29: uhm. no? yeah? idk.

30: my partners rats keep attacking each other.

31: yaya

32: Maroon or burgundy. Wine color.

33: ehh. yeah. kind of.

34: uhhhhh I think I watched my partner fall off a building before turning into a bird. idk.

35: my partner but not in a actually serious way. the last person I did that in-front of was my father (in relief/joy)

36: no. im very stubborn. grudge holder.

37: neither??? ig forgive???

38: I thought not and then I thought about it and honestly maybe. not counting being a little kid, JUST maybe.

39: fuck. when I got with my partner so like…1 1/2 years ago? age isn’t being dropped though.

40: once but I really needed to check something and I had NO time for clothes

51: lemons or fettuccine with shrimp and breadsticks or garlic bread

52: not really because idgaf about it its just whatever happens happens it doesn’t matter who you are because it’ll just happen

53: threw the leech bottle and had to find out where the leech went because the bottle opened

54: no.

55: I mean im pretty nice but im also pretty snappy and defensive so at times im definitely mean but not always

56: uhm. i don’t know. dude i used to live in a trailer park where knives were pulled on you so a lot of fucking people???? i don’t know???

57: no

58: light drizzle or heavy snow

59: yes, I don’t think you’ve completed life until you’ve tied a sled to the back of a truck and gotten dragged across snow covered roads.

60: no, I hate marriage. Although I did promise my friend I would marry him for taxes if needed.

61: SHDBDBBSBS NO I HATE THE WORD BABY SO MUCH SHDND

62: a lot of things? my partner? friends? fandoms? idk

63: uhh. I already did just not to anyone but my friends and social media. legally? sure

64: nope. it was my partner.

65: tell them that I don’t like them because I have a partner and keep hanging out with them after

66: uhhh I don’t know how close I am with any cis guys. only trans guys. actually ONE guy. yes.

67: my partner’s mom’s boyfriend I think

68: my friend

69: not really

70: yeah

Open tags

70 horrible questions ... Fuck it

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents? 02: Who did you last say “I love you” to? 03: Do you regret anything? 04: Are you insecure? 05: What is your relationship status? 06: How do you want to die? 07: What did you last eat? 08: Played any sports? 09: Do you bite your nails? 10: When was your last physical fight? 11: Do you like someone? 12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours? 13: Do you hate anyone at the moment? 14: Do you miss someone? 15: Have any pets? 16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment? 17: Ever made out in the bathroom? 18: Are you scared of spiders? 19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? 20: Where was the last place you snogged someone? 21: What are your plans for this weekend? 22: Do you want to have kids? How many? 23: Do you have piercings? How many? 24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)? 25: Do you miss anyone from your past? 26: What are you craving right now? 27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart? 28: Have you ever been cheated on? 29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry? 30: What’s irritating you right now? 31: Does somebody love you? 32: What is your favourite color? 33: Do you have trust issues? 34: Who/what was your last dream about? 35: Who was the last person you cried in front of? 36: Do you give out second chances too easily? 37: Is it easier to forgive or forget? 38: Is this year the best year of your life? 39: How old were you when you had your first kiss? 40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked? 51: Favourite food? 52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason? 53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? 54: Is cheating ever okay? 55: Are you mean? 56: How many people have you fist fought? 57: Do you believe in true love? 58: Favourite weather? 59: Do you like the snow? 60: Do you wanna get married? 61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? 62: What makes you happy? 63: Would you change your name? 64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed? 65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? 66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? 67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to? 68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? 69: Do you believe in soulmates? 70: Is there anyone you would die for?

#I forgot I was doing this and went to sleep while doing it : (

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innocencelives · 27 days ago

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talking to myself at 8am at night: updates & a stream of consciousness expression about why im like this and why im determined to keep going

events have certainly occurred since i last wrote one of these, looks like on Nov 20th. weirdly feels longer than that.

i think im making progress? like in general? i mentioned previously how ive stumbled upon the realization that i have many friends, and phenomenal chosen family who i love with all of my heart. i got invited to 3 thanksgivings! who needs a birth family lmao. ofc that doesnt stop the self hate struggle, but im working on it.

i actually see a therapist! and a psychiatrist! first time in a couple years to have both. and they both care! and are smart! and qualified (probably?)! at least the psych i know is qualified. the therapist, more of an LCSW, doesnt seem to be super prepared for my, and i quote, "very complicated case" and "extreme life", but she cares. they both care! might be the first time ever. they both believe me, theyre both shocked at my past especially the disbelief and gaslighting from other professionals.

now for what i think is tangible progress: currently-i havent showered in 6 months, havent brushed my teeth regularly in 8 years, extremely severely struggle with cleaning/doing the dishes/all of that, dont shave enough despite transness, order food constantly bc i cant cook, those are main ones i think. 18 sleep disorders not included bc i cant control those very much, but im gonna get a second opinion bc my doctor rn is dogshit. but! i think ive gotten better at cleaning. i think? i at least do it sometimes, i bought a vacuum? i kinda reset my place a bit, so i think i can try to keep up and not reset. idk man idk anymore.

a few days ago i started tasting horrible bitterness in my mouth. i sent a message to a dentist to schedule an appointment, it still hasnt happened but im emailing. i bought an electric tooth brush, mouthwash, started flossing and brushing. first time..first time actually since i left family's house back in 2016. but fuck my mouth hurts.

the foggy dissociation is hell. constantly feel detached, feel half awake, half alive. half alive at all times. half asleep, half in my brain, half in the clouds. time doesnt even mean anything! it goes so quickly when stuck in a permanent fugue. the sleep disorders are horrible but, the fatigue and exhaustion and brain bad brain so bad!!! my brain doesnt work, my mind doesnt work, it goes 411 error tv static all day. i hate it i hate it im never awake im never aware im never present im never in my body.

--------

to understand myself: i was never taught how to clean, cook, shave, floss, ride a bike, make an appointment, do the dishes, im learning everything myself. im teaching myself, im growing im trying so hard to grow and the years just keep adding up. to understand myself: i developed my intense dissociation as a need to escape my reality. my childhood would have indeed killed me if i couldnt leave and lock myself in my brain. i developed an elaborate fantasy world and i mastered the ability to turn off my conciousness while appearing awake. i trained it like a skill, i dont need weed or exhaustion or alcohol or whatever i press a button and go blank. but the button is stuck on ON! i cant turn it off.

but im empathetic. im empathetic to this child. to myself. to this spacey, foggy, child. who was shamed for not cleaning so they developed the ability to hate themselves for it without developing the ability to clean. extreme experiences.. more and more my childhood looks abnormal. i want to be understood, i want to be diagnosed, i want to continue to exorcise this burden of past and i want to relish in the love and joy and approval and compassion and validation and belief and empathy i deserved all along. i will learn how to feel love from others, i will learn to feel their words. i just. i hope its possible i swear i really dont think it is sometimes. to remember, to understand, to believe myself, to fucking clean and shower and brush my teeth and be present. i dont know!!!! i dont know if its possible. it feels permanent. it feels so permanent because its all ive ever known!

i give myself permission to heal and grow, and i give myself permission to feel tremendous empathy and pride in my little accomplishments because i am defying a life that set me up for more pain and failure. i was abused in every way, i was denied personhood and dignity and love and a childhood, i was denied human rights, i was stripped of progress and growth.

i am an alien! i am learning how to be a person. how to do all of these things. and i will of course keep trying but even more important than trying is loving myself and my inner child with every fiber of my being.

#txt post

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arqdyke · 28 days ago

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oh PLS never apologize, i am also a professional yapper. i also had every intention of getting off work and writing but my head hurt and my cat is being so needy and now is not the time. i am off the next two days tho so better luck between now and then hopefully! this will probably be my last ask so i can try and sleep off some of this nonsense pain (ty ty for bearing with me, crossing my fingers that you can write soon!!) but if you say smth super interesting then i might be around again who knows

law ships hmmmmmm. idk? lawlu was the big one but that takes a backseat these days. i think everything i enjoy is platonic with him. i could talk so much abt this but i have no idea where you are in dressrosa so i will hold my tongue :) bother me again later and i will gladly elaborate

only now reading through do i realize i said AUs... as in multiple. sigh that was supposed to be singular. that's ok i had so much fun reading through your rambling :) doctor and lawyer is very specific and that isn't even on the acesabo specific ones yet hmmm. sitting here juggling so many options in hand. i have a lot to think about

the ichiji polyship is rly fun and also hilarious because i was gonna bring up my favorite op rarepair that also involves a vinsmoke but held my tongue. you were not kidding about the 'knows many spoilers' from earlier. in honor of that lemme hit you with my second fav wlw in op: rebecca/vivi. i. love rebecca. such a good character. such a goooooood narrative foil to vivi like i could write essays about the foil concepts for them and how everyone who (unjustly imo!!!) dislikes rebecca just doesn't understand her character as a narrative foil to vivi. but also. cute women who can relate to each other's trauma yaaaay <3 i also love women. op needs more wlw content

circling back around to fic recs! i don't want to out myself lmaooo this is so hard also because we have so many things in common with fic but i get nervous that i might rec something super out there so i'm gonna reel it in. but before that. i'm rereading the part of your response that had me biting my lips rolling on the floor soooo

after the exchange PLS remind me about the fic concept because i have a large jumble of notes i will throw at you. i never thought i would write a soulmate au but i got hit with a concept out of nowhere a couple years back and now i am committed to this one even if it's grown far larger than simply "that" type of au. its (so far) got your superpowers, revolution, dystopia-feel, what feels like random but cohesive supporting cast. it's ace "the only thing that has kept me alive and breathing is knowing i have someone out there meant for me" and sabo "soulmates are stupid, i want to love someone on purpose and not because i'm predestined to or whatever". the thesis is "what happens to one soulmate when the other half of the pair dies" but because it's me no one actually dies (stays dead i mean coughcough) and yet the lasting repercussions carry the rest of the story. i've been aimlessly adding pages of notes w/o committing to it but i neeeeeed to bc i know it will be so good so!! if you are interested yeaaa bother me down the line and i'll hook you up (;

the fic i was going to recommend appears to not be on ffn anymore which is so awwww :( wayback machine only has the first and last chapter sighhhhh so this one is on hold. will ask around and see if anyone has it saved

in the meantime lemme hit you with what was going to be my second rec (for options! i will add one more this means). red moon by leafyxemy archiveofourown(.)org/works/6703183 superb soulmate au no notes. one note vampires bonus!!

for fantasy: the curse breaker by shieru archiveofourown(.)org/works/12628194

if by chance you have read both of these then i have a third modern au waiting in the wings >:) but i think this is long enough already

i understand ur pain so deeply.. hope you sleep well!! and yes i will 100% bother u later about that. rn im doing a reread of one piece to refresh my memory/take notes so i actually remember shit so its gonna take.. a bit. for me to get back to dressrosa i will be real. especially with the notes. sigh. BUT whatever i love to talk about areas of the story im not at yet anyways.

lawlus a classic. but very fair on the platonic dynamics preference.. mad respect.

im glad u liked reading abt my thoughts!! and honestly im glad you accidentally asked for multiple because i am TERRIBLE at picking just one favorite of literally anything in the world. i like so many things and which i like the 'most' varies literally from hour to hour.

rebecca/vivi sounds so interesting. its one of those ships i can see as parallels but i kinda struggle figuring out a dynamic for methinks. theyre both characters that r like. part of why i wanted to do my reread bc i always felt like i missed so much of what made (vivi at least) fun!! id love to hear more of ur thoughts on them (or other ships! like your left unnamed first favorite wlw ship..) later :3

i say later partly bc its really easier to talk ships and more specific stuff in dms or on discord lol. also. op DOES need more wlw content so much. i rlly gotta get on my grind to figure out what ships i like thatways bc man. it is a goddamn travesty i dont really care for most of them atm.

i would love love love to hear abt your fic that sounds. well not really my cup of tea admittedly. like i said soulmate aus are tricky. but im super down to give it a shot!! any premise can work beautifully rlly if u have love for it & i can admire the coolness regardless..

i have not read either of those fics tho ive seen them in passing before so ill take a look when i sit down to read later :3 very excited if only because looking at the summary. i really cant resist a fic that calls ace 'acey'. fills me with a deep joy. feel free to send the last modern au too tho!!

#dt-posts #asea tag #not even gonna bother with readmore this time sorry dashboard #its presently four am in my timezone. so sorry if ive missed anything here

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show-us-kaidenshenandoah · 9 months ago

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ill eventually make a proper, pretty intro-post

but hello, hi, i am Kaiden-Shenandoah Knapp

also, yes, Kaiden-Shenandoah is my first name. the hyphen is optional, but you still have to type/say the whole thing. no, you may not call me "Kaiden". yes, i am aware it is a mouthful lol

(probably gonna change my surname is "Knapped" in a few years. i wanna distance myself from some shitty family while making the Indigeneity in my surname more apparent. dont be surprised when that happens. im just putting it off bc i got a lot on my plate rn lol)

(also if you knew me as "Kayleen", hi, hello, i no longer go by that childhood nickname. it is retired, wave goodbye, better to have loved and lost and all that)

this is my messily mindless "welcome to my head" blog, we do things very casually here. im making it my new Main (as of 24 March 2024). my professional/art blog is @kaidenshenandoahknapp

but the real point of this post is: i am not a bot lol

and also, stuff is on a queue (until i do a mass-reblog binge but, typically, i am on queue)

everything in my queue is now 2 post per 24 hours (as of: 20 April 2024)

ive been on tumblr before, but since this is a new Main, im just going through my favorite content-creation blogs i know and mass-queueing loads of the op's projects. (if you are one of those said blogs and find this nth new notes a day from me annoying, please let me know; and i will just spam them all to Post Now so i can get out of your hair asap) i'm also just not good at regularly keeping up with creators' new stuff week-by-week, so instead i generally mass-queue because i assume mass-reblogging is a bit more overwhelming, idk, maybe im just overthinking lol

tags guide: (mostly for me, ngl lol i need reminders of what i tag what when i do my mass-queues)

#me - me posting something

#relatable - "omg that is so me" at someone else's post

#aesthetic - me just really liking the vibes, which sometimes just also happens to be pretty to look at lmao

#canines wolves and werewolves i love - i know what i am about. ill probably have more "niche My Special Interest tags" as i find posts that fit them

#nutty nutcrackers / #the nutcracker - another Special Interest tag. pretty self-explanatory, i like The Nutcracker a lot lmao

#betty boop - you would think this belongs with fandom tags, but no. part of why i am obsessed with her (and have been since i was, like, 14) is because she was the popularization of the very next tag's trend

#infantalization in animation - it's when you apply baby facial proportions to an adult bodied character, it's most often done in female characters. i'll be using this tag outside of animated stuff btw. but yeah, anything that examines that visual design choice i am all 👀 over lmao

#other people's art - any individual person, not counting final version of studio work (like ill tag "Lilo and Stitch"'s exploratory concept art with this, sure, but i wont tag stills of the "Lilo and Stitch" film)

↳ #animal art

↳ #background art

↳ #oc art - is all "my original character in a canon piece" kind of ocs, not the "my original character in my original story" type

↳ there are also specifically listed artists here and there if they have influenced me/my style in the past or recently (such as but not limited to: #rvsa). almost all of them are indies with social media (aka: no Van Gogh, no Hayao Miyazaki. if they have their own fandom, i tag said fandom and not the specific artist, usually. it depends. there are some gray areas)

#brushes - the (digital) brushes people i like use

#art tips

#writing tips - is about actually doing the practice

#on writing - is the philsophy about the practice

#[insert fandom here]

#[insert fandom here] analysis

(here are the tags i chose for some fandoms that had multiple possible tags. this is not all of my fandom tags)

● #studio ghibli, #[insert studio ghibli title here] (i tag both the movie itself and studio. because sometimes i want something from the original movie, so i go into those tags; and i also go to the studio to look at overarching things since the studio has such a strong overall aesthetic/visual brand)

● #[insert disney title] (here, i do tag the specific movies and i dont just use the studio. because im usually looking for specific things this one disney movie has)

● #moomin (as opposed to "moominvalley", "tales of moominvalley", or the like)

● #my hero academia (so many different options for one work)

● #trigun (so many different branching creations from one source lmao im just gonna lump them together)

● #into the spiderverse (i dont use "across the spiderverse" for simplicity's sake, and i don't use the hyphen/space between "spider(-)verse" also for simplicity. its easier for me to be consistent if i just go "nah, its all one word")

● #marvel comics (i do not tag the mcu specifically)

● #dc comics, #batman (i tag both. but i dont tag any other dc comics property. i just know im esp obsessed with the batfam enough that, sure, they should get their own tag)

#me

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