#idk. i've just been thinkin about him a lot lately.

[raiiny-bay]

he is the smuggest guy i know

[farharbour]

you've been talking about your ocs a lot and i'm curious to who they are/what they're like! if you don't mind me asking, anyway!

i've been looking at this ask all day like a rabid beast waiting to get off work so i could answer it LOL it's so sweet of u to ask ily 🥺💖 i do have a lot of them but i think you might just be talking about jesse? he's the only one i've really been talking about lately

jess is my sosu & main oc; he's a doctor, a synth lover, and tbh he's about as close to a pacifist as you can get in the post-apocalypse lol. i'll talk more at length about some stuff under the cut (this got pretty long so feel free to skip it):

he's high intelligence/perception and low strength/luck. kind of the typical long-range stealth sniper build but it doesn't revolve around crits. truly hates killing anything, even raiders (he still sees the humanity in them despite what they do). he prefers to stay out of combat if at all possible and takes the long way around/will move at a snail's pace if it means he can avoid a fight. his main weapon is a sniper rifle he modified to be able to take custom tranq rounds (mgs3/mgsv tranq sniper my beloved). he has a 10mm sidearm and a knife on him too for close combat should he need it. like he Does know how to fight, he grew up in a military family, but he doesn't like it and would rather exhaust every other option before resorting to violence.

his story is ... complicated lol, it revolves a lot around some of my other ocs/npcs and i still haven't worked out all the nitty-gritty of it even after five years BUT basically pre-war he's a med student getting his doctorate in radiation medicine and his dissertation revolves around studying the new plague. his wife teressa was in law school at the same uni and had a part-time gig as a waitress.

post-war in game world he's aligned with the minutemen until around the time he finds virgil. that's when he decides that all of this is bigger than the minutemen can realistically take on even with his help building them up so he seeks out the railroad and joins up with them. he tries to broker peace with the other factions while working undercover but dez isn't having it so in the end both the brotherhood and the institute get fucking owned and he hates that he wasn't able to find a less violent solution. he breaks away from the railroad post-game and takes doc sun's place as the resident doctor in diamond city with curie as his assistant and nick as his malewife.

he's a synth too! some sort of experimental-type that shaun was working on in secret. he's kind of obsessed with the idea of this family he never had (see synth shaun) and not only wanted to meet his parent but he wanted to test the theory of a synth/robobrain hybrid if that makes sense? like. a whole human brain plopped in a synth body. still thinkin' about this bit tho and the intent/science behind it. mind changed! he is no longer a synth.

i think he's a more interesting character if he gets this idea in his head that he's this synth experiment, succumbs to the fear that plagues the commonwealth, reads too deeply into what kellogg and shaun do and don't tell him... but it's all subtle manipulation, on all sides. in the end he finds out the truth, though, no eternal "what if" question. it still makes the interaction with dima pretty awkward which i like, i love that tension.

a lot of this i've never talked about... and honestly there's a lot more i'm embarrassed to say right now LOL he's such a part of me and a bit of a self-insert in a lot of ways too. and there's a perfectionist streak in me that wants everything to be laid out and perfect before i talk about any of it publicly. but. idk this whole post feels like baby steps to talking out my process publicly instead of just hiding it away.

since you asked about ocs (plural) tho i do have others that aren't jess that are integral to jess' story like bec (my lw who's mainly just a fo4 npc at this point, she's a mechanic who lives at the red rocket and she owns dogmeat) and her girlfriend peaches (she basically takes over for jess when he leaves the minutemen). there's also the mojave gang... simon my dumbass courier, tex the escaped synth cowboy, cyrus the freelance (and recently ncr-contracted) hitman, and um. some other ones too that live in a different oc universe and that's a whole can of worms that i won't even touch right now because this post is absurdly long as-is nfkdfhsf

anyway THANK UUU for asking abt them it's nice to ramble a bit! hope this wasn't too annoying lol.. and i hope ur having a nice day today 🌻🧡💜💛

[marcholasmoth]

OSRR: 3394

last night i literally passed out before i wrote my post. i woke up at like, 11:30, and i wrote my post then, trying desperately to not fall back asleep again, which is why it was so short. but that summed up the day pretty well.

today i slept in! my watch died partway through so i don't have a full record of my sleeping, but that's fine. i woke up eventually at 11:45 with more energy than usual. i was happy about that.

i went to the movies today with john and some of our friends to see the marvels! it was really good. at least, i enjoyed it a lot. i've learned that just because i like something doesn't mean it's good. but this one got back to, like, the heart of superhero movies. no convoluted plot, just sensitive and kind characters who are doing their best to fix their mistakes and do what they can for the betterment of the world. yknow, stuff people and superheroes are supposed to do.

i liked that it showed the line between being a person and being a hero. it was nice.

anyway, pirate it. i got to see it bc one of the friends got free tickets.

(joel's probably back now. just thinkin about the time and the fact that he's been visiting a friend for the day but idk when he was gonna come back. he's probably back now because it's almost 11pm. i wish i could be there on thanksgiving.)

i got a couple more gifts while john and i were out. we also picked out a new dishwasher. it'll be at the house on wednesday, the day when i'll be over next. it stopped working because the board got overloaded. so we got a new one.

i came back home after that, and we had meatloaf for dinner, along with broccoli and cheesy potatoes, the kind you see at mormon funerals, which we interestingly didn't get from mormons - it came from my late uncle's long time partner aka his "wife" aka the bitch who left him after he got diagnosed with cancer.

i don't know if i've ever mentioned uncle rich here. he was a good man. a silly guy. weird as shit and could never take a normal picture. i also make weird faces for pictures now, because of him. he died while i was out at school in utah.

i almost don't remember him. but i know he liked pickles.

sigh.

what a day.

[gpavila]

ugh 10.31.23

I've honestly been feeling so ugh lately. I don't know how to explain it, I feel like i always try my best to put into words how i feel but this time i can't. I used to be good at going to people for help and advice, a part of me still is but i just cant. anymore, at least not like before. I just feel dumb after teliing someone anything or dont feel like i know how to really. Im at the point of my healing journey that im ready to let go of the pass and move on complety. I feel like this is the first time in like forever that i truly really do mea it, i am ready but am i really? I keep asking myself so much and feel like i expect so much from myself that i get so discurage whenver my progress isnt like other. I know and see tha i am far from where i use to be and that makes me so happy and gives me hope. New hope, more hope, healthy hope. I know and can tell that a part of me hasnt moved on completly and i mean that is okay. I keep trying to tell myseld that its okay and im trying to learn to be more patient with myself too. and its fucking hard. I find myself still dreamsing and thinking a lot about this particual person still (my ex) and it gets me so upset. i find myself waking up in the middle of my sleep and thinkin gbaout him and getting upset beecause why am i thinking about him you know, like i dont want to or do i? or what is it thats making my brain think about him still wihtout my control duh its frustuating. I was telling this to one of my friends from work and she told me that what if im under a spell or its wich craf. not going to lie a part of me is start to question it lol but i dont think so. I think if i really sit with my emotions like ive been trying to lern to do and its hard. but ive been wondering and now that im sitting here writing this, it came to me. Maybe the reason that i still think about him a lot and dream about him to the point that it wakes me up, might be simply because of my subconciouse. I feel like i have put so much of the blame on myself and have took all the guilt and kept it. I think a part of me still needs to fprgive myself, not only for the misdtakes that i made in that relastionship but how much i hurt myself in it. All of it, i still think i was a bad gf and but a lot of the blame on me so that might be it and maybe a bug factor too is that he moved on completely and faster than me. i know i haven't moved on and honestly yeah that really does upset me tbh but i know i need to be patient. I hope one day it is al gone for good because i am. as much as i didn't want to and as much as i was scared before now i am not, i want it, i want to completely move on for good, and i know the for good part will never happen, at least not in the way that i would hope for. i know that someone who was a big part of my life, someone who was my whole teenage years will be hard to completely forget, i wont, realistically speaking i wont, but idk the point that i am is good, it's a good sign that i am going in the right direction and i just have to keep doing what i am doing because the results are there and it seems to be working but at a really slow pace lol. I'm slowly starting to feel happy with myself and with who and what i have in my life. trying to make the best out of anything big or small. i look back at things and no longer get sad but glad it happend but something it can still hurt and all i guess is trying to say that i hope one day i can lookk back at everything without feelign one single glimps of hurt. I want to let go completly. im still sad

[autistic-shaiapouf]

Thinking very much again about how an anime bug man has had such huge sway over my life to the point of me snagging a character url and physically adding the word "kinnie" to my blog title, literally no way I could've explained any of this to 15 year old me in any coherent manner

[dansmithsdoomdays]

God I just want to be in a relationship so badly. I want to feel like I belong to someone, and someone belongs to me. I want to be able to tell someone drama and how I feel, and know they will be on my side no matter what. I want to feel like I was specifically wanted, not like I'm just another friend, another person, someone good to talk to but not their first and only choice.

[trans-xianxian]

god not to get perhaps wildly personal at like 9:30 in the morning on a monday (and DON'T rb this I will block you) but I've just been thinkin a lot about my dad lately and like..... I had a very fucked up childhood for many reasons and have a very shitty mother but like.. I am very lucky that I had and Have the dad that I do and I've always been very grateful for that but now that he lives far away and I'm all moved out navigating the world on my own it's just rlly hitting me yknow? like all the things he did for me and how well he raised me. and idk maybe some of it is just the bare minimum of what a parent should be for their child but like.. oh god. oh fuck. the weight of being loved unconditionally.....

when I was first starting the actual process to get top surgery I remember being so worried about who would take care of me afterwards. like who was gonna sit there with me for two weeks while I was miserable and annoying and in pain and just.. take care of me? because he would already be in a different state and god I don't want my mom to do it and when I told him this he was like wtf I will of course I will??? like it was the simplest thing in the world like of Course he was going to come all the way back no matter where he was in the country just to take care of me because he's my dad and of course he will

and idk like I said maybe that's just the bare minimum of what a parents love should be but it just struck me like.... I was so scared that I wasn't going to have anybody to take care of me when I needed it but of course my dad will come back to do that no matter where he is. and there's just so much of it like there's so much he gave up for me as a child both big and small.. if there was something he could sacrifice to make me just a little more safe a little more comfortable a little more happy he'd do it

and he just raised me with so much love and care like I joke about how my dad raised me to be Like That but it's true like... as much as I am the way I am because of my trauma and because of the all of the people who hurt me as a child I am the way I am in equal parts because my dad answered every question I ever had or found the answer with me if he didn't know and because he let me run around in the backyard pretending his tools were dinosaurs and because he read to me every night until I was 13 and because he did my math homework with me every night as I cried my eyes out and because he never once tried to argue when I decided not to go to college and because he helped me make a fence for my rabbits and bring them in every night even tho they were in no way his responsibility n how those were always things my mother refused to do and because he took me to get a warm winter coat at a men's store and told the person working there his son needed a new coat and because he sits on the phone and helps me write cover letters and because when I am miserable and annoying and in pain and can't even put on my own shirt he will come all the way back across the country no matter where he is and take care of me

this got so very long I don't even know what my point is but just... oh god. oh fuck. unconditional love really is so heavy

[dankcranks]

100% serious. It'll help me get out of my own head, too. I've had a kinda blehhh day

same here friendo

putting this under a cut cause it’ll be long

☝ - How tall are you? - fun story for years i thought i was 5′7 cause that was the height the last time i was measured at my doctor’s office in my late teens, but they measured me “just to see” the last time i was there, and i’m 5′8???? the last few years of my life has been a lie

✔ - Sexual Orientation - ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ still trying to figure this out tbh. def pansexual, probably panromantic but also possibly on the grey spectrum??? i value platonic relationships over romantic ones, but do still have the ability to have romantic attractions towards others (although it’s rare) and idk what that means

🚬 - Do you Smoke? i used to a lot a lotttt but nowadays it’s only when i’m with friends that smoke and can bum one off of them (cause i’m incapable of making good choices when it comes to my health)

🍷 - Do you Drink? - yes, but rarely and generally only socially 

♒ - Do you Take Drugs? - prescription yes. but similarly to smoking, i used to smoke a lot a lotttt of weed but now only do when i’m hanging with the person in my life that smokes regularly

😳 - Age you get mistaken for? - honestly idek. late teens? people are always suspeeshy of me when they id me and see my birth year, and i feel like i look like a teenage boyo which isn’t helped by my shit skin

💉 - Have Tattoos? - ocarina of time style ganondorf and skull kid (with the mask you give him on) on my left upper arm, the chorus of hilf mir fliegen by tokio hotel on my back, and schwester on my foot (for my sister)

✏️ - Want any tattoos? - oh hell yes i have like a backlog of tattoos i want

✂️ - Got any Piercings? - snakebites, industrial, rook, lobes x3

✌ - Want any piercings? - occasionally i think about a nose ring, but nah, i’m happy with the ones i have

👌 - Best friend? - i live with one of them, and the other lives on the other side of canada :’)

♥ - Do you like anyone? - lmao nah

🎤 - Top 5 favorite bands? - KSJHDSAK kay i’m putting these in no particular order, cause it’s hard enough limiting it just to five, let alone determine a favourite. also this is subject to change at any given moment. twenty one pilots, weezer, alexisonfire, linkin park(💔), one direction anD HAHAHAHA I’M COUNTING THEIR SOLO CAREERS AS PART OF THIS FIGHT ME

🎶 - Top 5 favorite songs? - this is even fucking worse than trying to limit my top five bands alfhdalfhlsjdkf i’m gonna go with the top five songs that i currently keep listening to on repeat (again, no particular order)top - addict with a pensleeping at last - saturnniall horan - seeing blind ft maren morristop - a car, a torch, a deathpale waves - television romance

😒 - Biggest pet peeve? - forgetting about plans (i literally do nothing with my life so like, when i make plans with someone, i'm really really looking forward to it)

📝 - Story from your childhood. - so when we got our family cat, i really wanted to call her cookie. but my mom decided on sophie, and i was highkey offended because i wanted a cute non human name like cookie??? but it’s hilarious now, because i only name animals by human names

💬 - I wish… - i wish i could afford to have more cats in my life

‼️ - Something you’ll change? - ...the amount of cats in my life

💦 - What makes you horny? - i literally had to finish these questions and come back to this lmao. physically, arms and nice hair i guess. otherwise, jfc idk, i’ma go real lame and say personality. idk how the fuck i get turned on okay, it just happens sometimes ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

🌟 - A wish you’ll wish for? - m o r e  c a t s  i n  m y  l i f e

🔥 - Something spicy you like? - fuckIN INDIAN FOOD (i’m eating some curry i made right now lmao) shoutout to other east asian spicy foods

👃 You hate the smell of …. - idk fertilizer

👊 - Something you hate? - myself lmao #relatable am i rite

🚶 - Are you single? - yup

💬 - Can we text? - i have no idea who you are

💌 - Fan mail me? - again, i have no idea who you are

💍 - Marry me? - i literalLY DON’T KNOW WHO THIS IS 

💘 - Be my tumblr crush? - ^^^^^^^^^^^^

💭 - Favorite foods? - indian foods, bagels, cereal, ramen, sushi

☀ - Story about your day. - my cat tomi is having one of those days where he decides he’s going to be a gigantic piece of shit. he keeps coming over to me and yelliNG, reaching up to my desk and trying to knock things off. he keeps trying to get in fights with the other cat too. currently, i can hear him getting up to shit in the living room

💘 - Top 5 celebrity crushes? kay so there aren’t enough “celebrities” of sorts that i have that traditional celeb crush on that set my loins ablaze SO here have a list of celebrities that my ass will stan until the day i die because of their raw talent and for the way they treat those around them: tyler joseph, harry styles, uhhhh, josh dun, louis tomlinson, niall horan

🎥 - Top 5 favorite movies? ah fuck. spirited away, eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, and i’d be doing my child self a disservice if i didn’t include the nightmare before christmas, ace ventura when nature calls, and fantasia (the three movies that truly shaped me as a person)

📺 - Top 5 favorite TV shows? - i’m about to expose my nerd ass lmao. in no particular order - avatar the last airbender, dragonball z, card captor sakura, battlestar galactica (the 2004 remake also this just reminded me it’s been a while since my last rewatch *heavy breathing*), and, uh, idk, mr bean?

✏ - Random fact about yourself. - am very musically inclined. percussion instruments is my home (piano included in this, cause it’s a percussion instrument thanks)

✈️ - Where are you from? - canada, north of toronto

🚀 - Where do you wanna visit? - germany and more of canada

😍 - Do you have a crush? - lmao no

😷 - Something you hate eating? - fuck kay i’m actually a really picky eater and because i’ve been working around it for years i always forget what foods i hate. uhh. turnips?

🙈 - What makes you shy? - people, but that’s directly related to my social anxiety ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

💃 - Can you dance? - i mean, i CAN, but is it any good? no

💏 - Do you love anyone? - YEEE i love my friends and family (animals count as family)

👟 - Favorite shoe(s) to wear? - i finally got real converse and i  l o v e  t h e m

🌴 - A island you would visit? - when it comes to like, traditional island type things, that’s like, warm places, and i’m not particularly a fan of warm places. like beachy vacation places? nah fam. so like, the kinds of islands i’d want to visit would be countries like japan or ireland

🌎 - A country you would visit? - g e r m a n y

🌀 - Favorite type of weather? - fall, when the leaves aren’t green anymore and some have fallen, and it’s a little windy, and it’s the kind of temperature where you go out in the morning with a jacket, but in the afternoon don’t really need the jacket

🔮 - Do you believe in luck? - kinda?

📱 - What kinda phone do you have? - i literally just bought my roomie’s old lg g4 off him

📅 - Favorite time of the year? - fuckin october because fall and SPOOP SEASON

📚 - Career goal you want? - ...lmao. one that lets me afford to adopt mature cat babes to love and care for

🍴 - Favorite food(s) to eat? i immediately wanna say indian, but i feel like it’s biased cause i’m eating it right now

🍭 - Favorite Candy? - probs sour patch kids

🍇 - Favorite fruits? - bananas? apples? kiwi?????

🚘 - Dream car(s)? - a functioning car that is one solid colour

🚔 - Have you ever been arrested? - nah but i’ve been in cahoots with the law for dumb shit

🚑 - Have you ever driven in an ambulance before? - this question is phrased weird and it’s making my brain fucky. but i’ve been taken somewhere in an ambulance before, yes

🎫 - Do you have a license? - yee i have my full driving license as well as my boating license (lol)

🚼 - Do you have or want kids? - nO only animal frens

🔞 - Are you under 18? - nah

🐶 - Do you own a pet? - ngl i don’t like the phrasing of “owning a pet” buT i do live with animal babes that are under my care :3

😔 - Something that makes you sad? - thinkin about all the animal babes at animal shelters that don’t get adopted cause they’re not babies or they’re a little broken D8

😡 - What pisses you off? - boy howdy that’s a loaded question. lets go with a nice blanket response of “the state of the world”

😏 - What turns you on? - go back to the horny one

😈 - Are you a freak? - this is a very subjective question. to normies? yeah. in the sheets? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

💪 - Do you work out? - like bimonthly when i decide i’m gonna look after myself better lol