#yeah sorry for taking up your whole dash with my incoherent very personal rambling kabsmyxmsbhxn

[trans-xianxian]

god not to get perhaps wildly personal at like 9:30 in the morning on a monday (and DON'T rb this I will block you) but I've just been thinkin a lot about my dad lately and like..... I had a very fucked up childhood for many reasons and have a very shitty mother but like.. I am very lucky that I had and Have the dad that I do and I've always been very grateful for that but now that he lives far away and I'm all moved out navigating the world on my own it's just rlly hitting me yknow? like all the things he did for me and how well he raised me. and idk maybe some of it is just the bare minimum of what a parent should be for their child but like.. oh god. oh fuck. the weight of being loved unconditionally.....

when I was first starting the actual process to get top surgery I remember being so worried about who would take care of me afterwards. like who was gonna sit there with me for two weeks while I was miserable and annoying and in pain and just.. take care of me? because he would already be in a different state and god I don't want my mom to do it and when I told him this he was like wtf I will of course I will??? like it was the simplest thing in the world like of Course he was going to come all the way back no matter where he was in the country just to take care of me because he's my dad and of course he will

and idk like I said maybe that's just the bare minimum of what a parents love should be but it just struck me like.... I was so scared that I wasn't going to have anybody to take care of me when I needed it but of course my dad will come back to do that no matter where he is. and there's just so much of it like there's so much he gave up for me as a child both big and small.. if there was something he could sacrifice to make me just a little more safe a little more comfortable a little more happy he'd do it

and he just raised me with so much love and care like I joke about how my dad raised me to be Like That but it's true like... as much as I am the way I am because of my trauma and because of the all of the people who hurt me as a child I am the way I am in equal parts because my dad answered every question I ever had or found the answer with me if he didn't know and because he let me run around in the backyard pretending his tools were dinosaurs and because he read to me every night until I was 13 and because he did my math homework with me every night as I cried my eyes out and because he never once tried to argue when I decided not to go to college and because he helped me make a fence for my rabbits and bring them in every night even tho they were in no way his responsibility n how those were always things my mother refused to do and because he took me to get a warm winter coat at a men's store and told the person working there his son needed a new coat and because he sits on the phone and helps me write cover letters and because when I am miserable and annoying and in pain and can't even put on my own shirt he will come all the way back across the country no matter where he is and take care of me

this got so very long I don't even know what my point is but just... oh god. oh fuck. unconditional love really is so heavy