#idk whats going on with me but im feeling very isolated and left out and this is the last straw

[jackass-jones]

Girl like. The reason he said "this is how it should be" and faced death with a smile....is cuz he wanted to die. For 2 years he sat there thinking he was worthless and deserved to die. If he hadn’t be shot, his death would’ve been suicide, he was fully planning to die in a gutter somewhere undetected. When saying "this is how it should be" hes literally saying "don’t cry because I’m dying, my death is a good thing actually because I fucking suck and you are better off without me". I don’t think that’s badass even slightly, it’s actually really sad and really shitty. Shinjiro is so convinced that he deserves to die and hates the idea of anyone giving a shit about him because he literally can’t wrap his mind around the idea that he will be missed when he’s gone, that his death is a bad thing actually. And his last words were meant to be comforting because he fully did not intend for anyone to be there when he died, he intended to die alone, so he says them as a reminder that he’s not worth crying over

Personally, if it were me, if I was holding my dying best friend in my arms who was deeply depressed and suicidal and he said "this is how it should be" uh. I wouldn’t admire him for it??? Like am I losing my mind when I say the way this game handles Shinji is bad or is anyone else seeing this too 😰

[hjemne]

I've been... Absolutely normal? After this breakup with the person that I really genuinely wanted to spend my life with.

It happened Friday night, I cried most of the night and a little on Saturday but then something just shifted and I've been like 99% fine and normally and happy since then? The only time the sadness has really hit me since has been thinking about how upset my (dying) grandma will be that she won't be able to know my partner. But otherwise? I got horrendously drunk on Saturday night, had tons of fun and was fine with a guy low-key flirting with me. Since I got thru the handover and sleepiness on Sunday I've been utterly normal, getting on with work, reading romance and enjoying it rather than being sad or jealous etc. The main stressor has been the number of deadlines I've had this week and trying to manage my parents' reaction and reassure them I'm fine.

It's not that I'm complaining I've not been truly and utterly crushed by the heartbreak, but I'm just weirded out by this reaction. I'm worried I'm bottling it all up and it'll explode later or that this is me sliding back into depression, but I'm still enjoying things and it doesn't feel like depression? Like have I actually reached that level of emotional maturity that I've dealt with everything (or most things) already?

He decided about a week ago that he didn't want to go through his early twenties having to factor someone else into his life plans. I understand it, I respect his decision, acknowledge that there's no use in trying to talk him out of it, appreciate the fact he told me as soon as he could in person so we ended the relationship still loving each other rather than growing apart and resentment building. I really can't stress how I've never loved or been loved by anyone like with him before and that he has been the most important person in my life for four years. Accepting that the life we were planning together has gone has seemed to happen so easily and it feels like something must therefore be wrong. It's helped that we haven't seen each other in person and haven't currently got plans to I guess because I think it's going to really hit when I can't be physically affectionate like before. But even with the distance I still just can't understand why I'm feeling so nothing about this. He brought up that he might want to break up in March and I cried far more than this. Have I been emotionally checked out of the relationship since then without realising? Am I just bottling stuff up without realising? I just wish I knew

[bonecrime]

Sometimes self care is going full blown anxiety meltdown and muting/blocking every single thing about a community for an undetermined amount of time

[talkbycolor]

mushroom oasis headcanons . . . ↷

A/N; im very sensitive about mychael too, oops

Pairing; "Mychael" x GN!Reader

CW; idk alien sex (jk) / this is actually cute, dont worry

Mychael as your boyfriend.

I just know that he likes to listen to ABBA with you and dance in the mornings when making breakfast or at night before going to sleep.

He purrs at bedtime, especially if you pet his hair.

You can caress his horns, they are softer than they look but also sensitive, be delicate

After a while of relationship, he could no longer avoid the growing guilt he felt and told you about the mushrooms in the forest and the brainwashing he did to you at the beginning.

Definitely identifies with Roar's "Christmas Kids" song.

Be thankful he doesn't have an internet connection or he'd make Deez Nuts cringe jokes.

He is the perfect person for fairycore, you have already begged him to do makeup together, even though he didn't need any of that.

He likes to feel safe, silly and childish with you, having learned to take care of himself since… well, always, it was a drain on the soul. what a relief to his heart to be able to be childish with you, like a break.

He still has certain self-esteem problems, his eyes always dilate when you say nice things about him (or when he's about to jump and attack ((kiss you)))

It's not like Mychael is an uncivilized being, but you've taken the time to teach him several things on dates you've had, things that perhaps he didn't know due to his isolation from society.

You're actually a little scared of what could happen if they discover Mychael's existence, so if you live together it will be in the forest.

Sometimes he is selfish and brainwashes you when he wants more kisses or just feels too needy to let you go out with your friends.

For him there is no such thing as breaking up, he will beg you for answers and ask countless times what the problem is or what you want him to change, as a last resort he would brainwash you so that you stay by his side, even if it's like a shell.

"They were 20 and decided to end their life just like this. They went up to the 21st floor and left without saying "goodbye." I wonder if when they were flying through the air they remembered… ..I once told him if you kill yourself I'm gonna kill myself too!" Basically Mychael not being able to continue with his life alone once he meets MC, if you leave, so does he.

The first time you had sex, bro, Mychael almost had to be chained up, he acted like a spoiled kid when he tried his new favorite candy.

Mychael composes songs for MC, he will even try to get new instruments, new talents, anything to entertain his firefly and have them stay in the forest with him.

Is the kind of old-fashioned sculpted lover, don't doubt that you will look like a 60-year-old couple with 3 chickens and a dog, your wish is his command. If you can't go out to eat at an elegant restaurant, he will get a recipe book to prepare the best dishes and put candles on the table. If you don't have new clothes, he will knit what you like. If you don't like the color of the cabin, he will paint everything as many times as necessary.

Physically? Mychael will never hurt you, using guilt as manipulation is not to his liking either, he loves you too much so he will only wash your brain to have a perfect life by your side, don't worry, you are safe from the world and you will have healing caresses every night , even if it is not today, if it is not tomorrow, you will learn to need it on your own and stay at will.

Mychael is terrified of people, the opinion of the masses made him think of himself as a monster and he can't help but blurt out little comments mocking his own appearance. Being with you makes him forget what he is. Why was he surprised? Because you didn't look away.

His saliva is a little salty and something tells me that he produces goo when he is excited, trust me (delulu)

♡

[fmab]

ok sorry long vent post below i suppose

i had a really good day today and i have been doing better since January started and holding hope for the future. But i think being around so many friends who i love and care about and also thinking about how future happy and healthy relationships will go is making me reflect a lot on the 5 years that i was with [redacted] and literally just how fucked up so much shit he did was. And how hypocritical he was.

I've talked about it before but it was just nuts how genuinely cruel he could be despite being so insecure. Like if he was mad at someone/hated someone (no matter if it was for a good reason to hate them) for some reason fatphobia/ableism etc was on the table. despite acting like he was body positive he'd turn around and say this shit and even in a few instances even try to insult me for my weight too. Despite being so insecure about his intelligence (he was smart) he was so incredibly quick to call other people stupid/brainless etc. and yeah i guess even when we were fighting he would say that shit to me too and call me stupid. idk he was just so full of these contradictions like this. he was so cruel and constantly lashing out at me to make me leave. He expected everyone to leave him and when they didnt he would lash out violently to get them to leave because he believed he was a bad person and then used it as confirmation for why he should be alone forever when they left. I kept myself in that cycle for literal years, trying to prove to him that he wouldn't have to be alone, because i loved him and wanted to be proof that someone wouldn't leave because there is love and hope and good in the world. i wanted to be that so badly but he could not believe it and would never let himself have anything good. Why did i ever put up with that cycle of cruelty for so long.

It was always a constant uphill battle. Yeah he was recovering from trauma and deeply affected by it but the way he threw people under the bus who were also suffering and recovering from trauma is crazy. I will never forget how when we met he was very scared/wary/mistrustful of people with dissociative disorders to the point where he literally asked our friends who had did not to talk about it/their alters not to talk to him because he'd been abused by someone who had allegedly faked did. Like we literally had to hide that part of ourselves from him. And at the time, i was going through a psychotic break and deeply unstable and dealing with my own dissociative disorder's symptoms and trying to figure out what was going on. But because I was in that vulnerable position I internalized that so much that i literally became incapable of talking about my more troubling dissociative disorder symptoms with almost anyone. instead of trying to unpack those things i squished them down. And cut to a couple years later and he was literally diagnosed with DID :| All that and i still couldn't make myself take that barrier down and talk to him about that part of my mental health despite him trying to let me know i could now bc he was experiencing that shit himself. That shit has still stayed with me and permeated other parts of my life and mental health struggles even now. I still dont know how to talk about my various disorders without assuming ill make someone uncomfortable/think im faking/think im fucking crazy. idk how to talk abt my dissociative disorder shit with anyone and feel like I can only talk about my bpd with my friend of 12 years who also has bpd. and i dont even know where to begin with my psychosis.

idk i have so many good friends now and im not isolated and i feel so much genuine love and care but i feel like i was emotionally stunted after 5 years of being with that guy. For the first entire year and a half after breaking it off with him i couldn't even be there for my other friends who were suffering. id spent my every ounce of energy on him that my friends suffering just made me sad and scared like i needed to flee. i think one of the most traumatizing experiences (that happened multiple times) was when he would literally drink entire bottles of wine and be so drunk that he could not even talk, and i had to sit on the phone with him because i was absolutely terrified that he was going to die from alcohol poisoning or throw up and choke in his sleep. And i would just have to sit on the phone and listen to him scream incoherently and break things and throw up and cry harder than i have ever heard anyone cry before, because i was terrified he would die or try to kill himself and i wouldn't know. Trying to make yourself care about your friends who are suffering when the last time you invested everything you could into a relationship and it ended Like That was . incredibly hard. That recovery took so long and im finally better in that aspect, but for ages it made me feel like i had been turned into a husk of a person who was unable to help or care. I have better boundaries and i know my limits and how to help without extending myself to the point where ill be in that position. Sometimes i still do feel like a major part of me died when i left him, simply because it took So Much from me. i poured everything into that relationship. im so glad its over and id never go back but so much of me was dedicated to him that there was a huge void where it was before. there was a part of myself that was solely dedicated to trying to help him.

im not as sad as i was but its horrifying that i spent so many years with him and putting up with the horrific ways he acted and i should have cut it off sooner

[scream4ash]

tw 4 addiction, talks of self harm, talks of disordered eating, mental illness, self destructive tendencies, just overall me being a piece of shit.

hey, guys. ash here. i guess i wanna apologize for just dissapearing. when i had originally started posting, and decided i was going to be a writer i was sober, n in a better headspace. since then i have relapsed, n fallen into the cycle of addiction n destruction n just overall have not been in a good place.

i have struggled with substance abuse since i was around 13, mainly being alcohol or weed due to easy access. more recently in january of this year i had started abusing antihistamines. that way, i could tell myself it was just medicine, there was no harm in what i was doing. for those of you who don’t know, antihistamines are anti-allergy meds.

on march 17, i had overdosed. my girlfriend had found me on my bedroom floor seizing out. i was brought to the hospital via ambulance, n released the same day. i would love to say i stopped, n i realized the way im going would kill me, but i didnt. i had overdosed again 8 days later. this time when i was brought in to the er i was put on suicide watch. then i wouldve denied any attempts at harming myself, but deep down i didnt care the outcome. though im just now realizing i never really cared about what’d happen to me, but i think part of me always knew. i knew the consequences, i decided that god shall decide my fate.

i was then transferred from the er to a psychiatric unit where i was treated for depression n bipolar disorder.

when i was released a week later i decided it would be a new chapter. i had gotten a job, i was sober, n most importantly people saw me.

that lasted for around two months. the euphoria i felt had all come crashing down. i had slowly rejoined the forgotten, my own friends forgetting about me. i had fell back into isolation n self-hatred. i was fading out again, n no one noticed. no one noticed when i had started skipping meals, or the way my body physically could not allow itself to keep a single bite of food down, or the lack of sleep, even the empty look in my eyes. i have yet again fallen into the hand of addiction, seeking comfort from what i know is no longer there, what may have never been there in the first place. i have barely left my house, only going outside to walk my dog. i can no longer recognize who i see in the mirror. more recently i havent even been able to get out of bed to go to work.

i feel the need to clarify that i am 19 years old, the life i am living is not the life to live. i am actually all alone in the world. guys, if u, or a friend, or a parent, or a loved one, hell even ur worst enemy. if anyone u know, or may know of is struggling with addiction, let them know you are there. let them know that you havent gave up, youre still fighting for them. if ur thinking about trying drugs, or alcohol, hell even weed. don’t. take it from me. dont.

i havent been very active on here, n i am sorry. i am going to reopen my requests and start posting short works/blurbs. i will also get to the requests in my inbox, n those will be filled as blurbs. again, i’m sorry 4 bailing on you guys.

also so super sorry for the sob story, idk. kinda feels good to get this shit of my chest. idk, makes me feel like u guys know me kinda.

@calumikey @ashen-char @f4ngtooth @theactualqueenelizabeth @brittanysnowsgf @iheartambss @phorsphyn @spiderb00 @allsovls @jennaortegaswifey @liaisbaeee @xxxninjaxxx23 @chaejiberry @nohumanityhope @blakeroni @mm-myluv @amberfreemanmygirlfriend @lilahaga @mikeymisser @carolcunha7 @not-alesha @burninghotlava @shaunashipmanism @chaoticghosthoagiegoop @paigesbabymama @spidersareskrunkly @ghostampire @cursedashes @yveslish

tried to tag all of my followers, or as many that it’d tag. idk, i really want this to be seen.

[youremyheaven]

I don't know if you remember but a while ago I sent an ask talking about how as a ketuvian I've always felt rejected and that's why I close myself off to people ? Anyway that's was a whileee ago.

But now that I'm in university, I just feel so alone, I've always had friends right but I never ever had a close friend, a confident you know ? And now I just feel like seeing everybody spend time with their group of friends I feel like I missing out.

When I try to make friends at my uni they are never what I expect and it never goes far, ( I fear that I appear as clingy) I just never meet anybody that fits me also I am in my rahu/Venus antardasha so I just feel so obsessed with establishing socials connections which feels very weird for me as a ketuvian and I just feel lost like I want to get this idea out of my head however I can't and everytime I get a friend they just start at one point expressing animosity towards me like 😐 why you're jealous I tought we were twinning?? I just feel so lost and exploited like I try to give out love but it is never matched so I was wondering if you would like to give a piece of advice or some insight on how should I stop the FOMO ? 👉👈🥺

I'm so glad you're back 💓

sorry babe i havent checked my asks in a few months so i must have missed it 💀💀

honestly babe, not everybody has genuine, healthy, meaningful friendships. i say this as someone who knows a lot of people and hangs out with a lot of people. all the people with these vast friend groups and besties they hang out with every day lowkey have all kinds of issues with them and THATS OKAY. we seldom get a realistic perspective on it.

most friendships are complicated if not superficial. the secret to healthy friendships are keeping boundaries.

OBVIOUSLY now there are genuinely good people in this world and good friendships can be formed with them but its all about timing. ive gone yearrrs of my life without having close friends :(((

now i want you to write down what exactly you're looking for in a friend:

is it someone to confide in? someone to have deep chats with? someone who will give you emotional support??

is it someone to hang out and do fun stuff with??

is it a combination of the two??

ideally, it should be possible to have a combo of the two but FRANKLY speaking, in this economy, you can have chill friends you hangout with occasionally (you dont talk to them everyday, you dont really have personal convos etc etc) or you can have a few friends who you can get super personal with

now considering how you've just started uni, your emotional needs are going to be very different from that of a woman in her mid 20s (aka me) for me, i dont really need to share much ?? with anyone?? but i do have people in my life that i can talk to if i need to?? but mostly we all just do our job and then chill and thats just adulthood

university is a whole different ballgame and i understand how isolating it can be without friends :(( 🥺🥺

but honestly its better to be alone than it is to be surrounded by fake asf friends 💀💀so dont worry about that

my university years were horrible because of toxic friendships. i felt alone through most of it and im sooo glad its over. i wish i had a fun uni experience to speak of but :// it is what it is and since it was covid era, not many people my age have a fun uni exp to speak of either so i didnt feel like im missing out on much

ANYWAAYYYS thats enough about me

about FOMO,

its just a part of life. we're all going to feel left out/excluded/left behind etc etc but tbh its not really fun if you aren't there experiencing it yourself. idk if that makes sense??? but like suppose you went to that party that you see all over your friends IG stories, once you're there you'll realise its nothing much, its just some drinks, disco lights, awkward people, pretentious wannabes and ppl with zero personality trying to impress each other. nothing is ever as fun as you see on instagram. so you're not really missing out on much. also company matters a great deal, if you go to fun places with lame asf/ boring/rude/ vibe unmatched people then youll ruin a good thing for yourself!!!

ive been asked to go to goa (its like the ibiza of india for the non desis) with like 3 different friend groups and ive declined them all bc while it sounds fun in theory (dropping acid at a rave) i dont think ill enjoy myself as much bc idrc about those ppl

life is only fun if we MAKE it fun. whenever you feel left out, just remind yourself "i probably wouldnt have enjoyed it any way" ORRRR "i wasnt there so it couldnt have been that much fun" (if youre delulu like me)

another major factor behind fomo is self comparison

i dont open IG, i dont see those stories. idgaf what other ppl are upto. if youre going to see coldplay, good for you. if you're going to iceland. good for you. IDC. i stay in my lane. i focus on myself. i get my shit done and try to check off my boxes.

let them have fun now. your turn WILL COME. and it will be amazinggg <333

just think of this as an era where you're sowing the seeds. learn to enjoy your own company. do things alone. get new hobbies. go on dates.

and there will come a different era which i call HARVEST SZN 😎😎😎where you can harvest the seeds you have sown now and have a blast

nothing is forever in life. spring follows winter. thats the rule of nature. so honestly just keep going.

dont be afraid of missing out because youre not missing out on anything that you would actually enjoy. bc the things that are actually for you, you can never miss out on??? if that makes sense???

idk if this helps 😭😭😭

but youre so smol and so precious. pls take care!!! dont fall into bad habits and dont waste these years by holding yourself back. do everything u want to do!!! and honestly try to get some kind of job. that will also keep u engaged and not leave u with any time to think <333 (welcome to capitalism, u cant have fomo if youre too tired to think 😍)

love,

heaven

[skybristle]

im just gonna dump a ton of starlight thoughts i had from my dms with mac moonsofmachinery because ast is Really fucking hard for me to write and. Idk. What do you think? my brains kinda mush rn but.... shakes her around... a lot of this is disorganized sorry it was very train of thought when i was writing it. @arsonstick come get your thangggg. i cut out what mac said where it wasn't relevant but some of it was important for flow of conversation

I think its very like. Interesting??? How ast went from being so hardworking towards the problem and nobody bothered her [partially because of adversion after maw, partially because of the group being generally a disorganized clusterfuck] but she was basically the only bh iterator who like

Actually. Did their job.Besides sparks but sparks is doing it for fucked up reasons

So im like. Very intrigued by whatever sent it spiraling and its motivations and feelings through it

Especially being rather asocial

If i hadddddd to guess [idk why im talking like this with my own characters it makes sense in my rambling work with me here mac] it Probably has something to do with the triple affirmative and iterator soceity basically descending into chaos

and factions

probably aligned with some fucked up form of sliverism for a time in regards to seeking personal ascension??? Maybe the only way she saw would be to take the old path. A blend of her very traditional and devoted beliefs and all of this new stuff it was introduced to via aurora

And that begins to stir in asts mind and makes a very. Very deadly combination

i think it would be fun too if like the culture of her city really rejected the streamlining of ascension and void fluid these days. Probably believed you had to actually make the pilgrimmage- otherwise you're not REALLY going to the void sea are you?

So maybe i won't move the rift. It would be really cool if there was all of these religious tunnels and stuff baked into the walls of it as you descend down, down, down. Like two pathways of religious ruins damaged by rain in a v shape sort of region if it was in the game

i think the sliver fiasco would have really enlightened her to like. The futility of it all and what she was doing. Inherently seeking a solution kind of went against the very traditional and grounded principles of her ancients- and she DID genuinely believe in her ancients. in some fucked up twisted way by breaking taboo and doing what ast does to whispers and etc etc etc it believes its following what they would have wanted. What silk truly would have wanted for their daughter

Because i think starlight at least in the beginning was seeking the solution, well, for her parents. And believed in their cause of freeing the world after they left. But after sliver left them with no answers whats the fucking point? Which i feel like is the mindset of a LOT of iterators. But. You know. She has weird and strange diseases

Got to imagine talking to basically no-one and being left in asts own echo chamber was. Uhm. Not good for it being sane and normal about it. Like yeah a lot of unstable iterators were effected badly and are also isolated but you know most of them like. Chat to people regularly and have friends and shit. starlight DIDN'T

which is why despite her apathy she gets SO ATTACHED to people who indulge her. Its why she answers to maws beck and call. Especially when maw frames herself as a 'higher power' and starlight is still kind of in a way scrambling after its beliefs in ascension were so shaken

I genuinely like. Believe that starlight did that to whispers with the intention of freeing them. She knew better. They were scared and didn't know themself and were trapped in a body that didn't let them live. Ast had to free them. Ast had to

Maybe the price to pay is some proding, some experimentation, some data points for next time

To it its completely fucking reasonable!! which just goes to show how FUCKED she's gotten

MAC: "honestly the fact starlight thinks ast is doing the right thing 'freeing' whispers makes it so much worse to me than if. it'd just been out of pure maw-like malice

ITS SO FUCKED UP..."

YEAH. AND I THINK ITS EXTRA FUCKED BECAUSE MAW IS MALICIOUS. SHE WANTS TO HURT PEOPLE AND HAS STARLIGHT WRAPPED ALL AROUND HER FUCKING FINGER

MAC: "Dude starlight could've been a fine person given different circumstances, she's not. actively malicious. but god do her actions tend to end in the worst things possi.... ohhhhhh heyyyy wait, sounds like THE ENTIRE PLOT OF BENDING HORIZONS!!!!"

I think starlight seeking aurora originally is like... so interesting too. Ast probably heard MANY of her citizens bitch and whine about albedo but you know. When the gears start turning and she starts diverging. Maybe. Maybe aurora knows something. Maybe aurora can put this all to bed- can make her feel normal and go back to work and be fine and content again. But aurora just opens the fucking floodgates and basically gives it all the sliverist and taboo chats and etc

TO him its like. He doessnt see consequences but also not much direct responsibility in things because 'well anyone can find anything eventually' which. Uhm. Aurora honey starlight would NOT have gone on global had you not gone 'welllll I don't know but all of these people seem to be talking about it :3"

i think starlight genuinely saw aurora as someone with such interesting and open perspective and ast was SO goddamn desprate to be affirmed. and. i mean. Aurora blew it off but Boy Did It Get Affirmed

[yarnclan]

Read Tigerhearts Shadow, liked it ok.

I like the books where the cats interact with different settings, especially twoleg stuff, its very fun to me. I would give Dovewing all of my bbq.

I might be stupid but uhh.... I didnt fully realize it was a church that they were living in until the kits crashed a funeral. It being framed as a big place where twolegs gather and "yowl" made me think it was a stadium or symphony hall... but uhh, in hindsight its pretty obvious. I just dont think about churches very often. This particular story did feel extra... religious to me? Like more than the avarage warrior cats plot. Maybe it was just because so much of it was centered around blind faith in StarClan and dreams.

I really liked Spiresight tho. I thought he was cool and him and Blaze's relationship was really sweet. I thought the scean when Tigerstar posthumously makes him a warrior was... a little odd.... he never really expressed a desire to be one, and the element of it seeming to be The Reason he makes it to StarClan was kinda... uncomfortable?? It reminded me of that thing some churches do of posthumously baptizing dead celeberties... idk, the framing of the whole book really does make it seem like the clans are an isolated war cult. Which is fascinating. But I do feel like the books frame Tigherheart's devotion and insistance that all cats should live like the clans as correct on some level... even tho, idk the anarchist city cats that give out free healthcare and think its pointless to "own" land seem to have the right idea to me. Well, in my headcannon Fierce calms down and they all go back to chilling in the basment.

In my dreams I'd like to think that the point was supposed to be that StarClan or what ever gave Dovewing the dream so that she and Tigerheart could learn from these cats and maybe chill the fuck out. Except Tigerheart is terminally stubborn and only Dovewing absorbed anything. Otherwise its a little unclear why they got sent away to that particular place? Dovewing had personal fears that made sense but idk if she'd have left without the dream. Tigerheart was presumably supposed to go find the lost shadowclan cats and also three more guys, but it just seems like a very roundabout way to get him to do that... It was a plot very driven by prophecy but the -why- of the prophecy didnt really make sense to me... i havent read tBC but i know a bit about Shadowsight's whole deal and kinda thought as I was reading that maybe Spire would have knowlage to save Shadowkit and that was why they were going... or that he'd be an important mentor for him for a bit but uhhhn.... nah. Idk maybe it comes up more in tBC?

I do like Tigerheart as a character, I like that he's stubborn and selfish, and also always justifying his actions for the greater good. Its cool that those traits were on display. But i do think warriors has a general issue of feeling the need to flatten their pov characters, or act like they are in the right..? Its weird, its like all the traits are there, even kinda acknowleged, but just... wind up burried? I dont know if im doing a good job explaining what i mean... its all something that kinda feels like a symptom of the books being outlined by different people than the ones who write them. Tigerhearts Shadow very much felt like that kind of book to me. Maybe even further acentuated by the need to fit into another series as a side story.

[hirudou]

so normally i can handle an insane amount of stress. i can juggle 5-6 different things, i can handle my issues on my own. but moving back in with my grandmother is devastating for me. shes abusive, manipulative, and destroyed a good 8 years of my life. shes why i don’t celebrate my birthday anymore, why even the tiniest amount of clutter makes me nauseous. and worst of all, the source of a great deal of my trauma and ptsd, is her son. and she wholeheartedly believes he’s innocent.

i know its a few months. thats it. but knowing i have to go back there, even for a short amount of time, is making me lose the energy to keep going. i get it, its better than being homeless, but she makes it very clear sometimes im not her blood relative. she makes me feel sick, and worthless, and small.

so between all of this, and falling out with friends and being ghosted left and right. as well as work, and this looming move thats approaching— im really at my limit. my mother keeps telling me to step away from the internet, and games, and whatever. but being isolated is the last thing i need right now. idk what to do with myself anymore, im losing weight, im too tired to cry about it. im just incredibly numb and just want to sleep all the time.

i really really try not to vent like this on the dash but i want to get it off my chest. i dont have anyone to talk to about this without getting the same “ get over it “ or “ itll get better “ kind of talk. sometimes i just need to vent.

[pacifymebby]

Hey Layla! I’m curious.. who is a fictional character you find yourself identifying with? And why? I feel like it says a lot about a person 🥰

Hiii <3 i love this question but omg its difficult.

Here me out on this one but

Mole (Wind in the Willows)

🌿 He starts off so quiet/reserved and isolated, he lives his quiet underground life minding his own business and well, i guess staying in his comfort zone... But he does have the desire for adventure, later whenever ratty is shaking his head and not wanting to go along with toads plans, its moley who is like "oo but it could? Be fun" like he's uncertain but he has this kind of want for excitement. Which is very much me as i have been my whole life, im really shy, and I'm anxious about things, but i have a curiosity that means whilst i do prefer my comfort zone and my little house with all my little things, theres still something inside me that craves the excitement and draws me to the wild wood. Like i too would have heard ratty say "we don't go there" and immediately been curious as to why.

🌿He's so anxious but so fiercly loyal to his friends that he faces his fears and puts himself in harms way to save his friends and I'm like that too, anxious, terrified to talk to people, but the moment a friend needs me, i find my voice for them. Also there's like a level of stupid to his loyalty, like when he goes into the wild woods on his own, doesnt even know where he's going but he just goes because he feels he has to for toad, so he just stumbles on in, knowing its a bad idea but doing it anyway. I do that alot haha

🌿 He's younger that badger and ratty and he really looks up to them in every way, like theyre not father figures but theyre older, wiser friends who moley looks to for protection and to learn from too, they show him the riverbank and all these new things like Messing about on boats!! And he really admires them but also trusts them immediately, almost naively, just trusts them and I feel like thats very much what i am like when i make friends with any male my age or above. I look for friends with that "take you under my wing" nurturing side to them. (like how me and B became friends, it was because he really did just keep me tucked under his wing)

🌿He's so earthy (yes i know he's a mole) but hes so earthy and he loves his dark damp mole hole with all of his little things, its his home and he loves it even though it isnt much and then when he's with Ratty and he realises that he can't remember where it is, and he cries and gets so sad. Like hes so me for real, i love my room, i love making myself a little home, a sanctuary kind of place thats mine that feels totally safe and cosy and comfortabke. And i will quite happily stay in it forever and ever like its my little nest if I get things just right.

Unnamed Narrator/second mrs de'winter (Rebecca /daphne du maurier)

🌿 Shes so young and she falls head over for a sophisticated older man who is more well educated, higher class status etc than she is and she is so taken in by him and like, naively swept off her feet. She's desperate for his approval and giddy whenever she gets it and what can I say... Reading this book made my daddy issues ten times worse because it normalised them haha

🌿 She really is like, an over emotional, naive little waif and she spends the whole novel feeling too much about the smallest of things. There are times when Max is a little sharp with her and she gets overwhelmed with sadness and guilt and shame ans humiliation all at once and sits there trying not to cry but crying anyway and like, literally last night i was overtired and sulking and B made a passing comment about me being in a foul mood and I waited until he'd left the room and then burst into tears with the intention of getting it out my system whilst he was gone (but he came back into the room unexpected and saw me and was just like oh...) like idk i feel like im a super dramatic takes everything to heart, really easily upset kind of girl? And also like happy things, people showing her basic kindness also sets her off and i too cry at the smallest kind gesture towards me.

🌿Here are some bits i took photos of when reading because i identified so hard haha

🌿 Shes also just deeply anxious about pleasing other people, living up to expectations, she thinks so much about everything and she spends so much time deeply embarrassed by her own perception of herself, whilst like, biting her nails over whether or not she is doing things right. Shes so aware of her own naivety and yet also not at all.

🌿Max is constantly calling her a silly little girl, B is constantly saying similar to me, for similar reasons (like he acts a little distant once, or forgets to be soft with me once and i become convinced he hates me haha)

Thank u for this it was fun, i do think ive basically revealed myself to be even more whimiscal and pathetic than we already thought though haha <3

[thisdreamplace]

Hi Dream 💞💞 how are you?

I want to get something off my chest. There's this SP that I've been having the typical experience with, you know, hot and cold behavior. Since last year my approach to the law has been a bit similar to yours, allowing things into being, letting go, living and loving life hehe. But my romantic relationships and my self concept in romantic relationships is still somehow... chaotic? A mess? I isolated myself from any potential romantic interest for over a year thinking that being alone was going to be the solution. I then met this guy, let's call him B. B and I met online, I was not really interested in him but eventually I started having fun with him and our chats were cool. I was enjoying who I was with him and I was very chill tbh. Then B started being too busy to chat with me (this has been a pattern, that I have experienced even in friendships) and I started freaking out and chasing him. B slowly started fading away and then it became a cycle of him texting me whenever he was not busy, and basically giving me breadcrumbs, and I was down so bad that I got addicted to this.

Now I'm bored of this dynamic, and also bored of B and don't have any energy left. I decided I seriously need to focus on my self love because I clearly haven't been giving myself enough. I want to move on from him, but I don't want to hold the image of me being his victim, idk if you know what I mean? I was conscious all the time, and I knew what was happening, and I allowed it. I am a victim of myself. I don't want to hold him responsible? Or to hold judgements of him? Yk to keep him in my memory as the asshole B hahah. But also, he kinda was an asshole. But somehow seeing him like an asshole consequently makes me feel like his victim and it keeps me attached to this narrative of "oh he damaged me". I don't know if you understand me HAHAHA. But I also feel resistance towards seeing him like an angel boy lmao. Do I believe he has potential to be an angel boy? Sure, everyone can change, but at the same time, I do feel victimized if I'm fully honest with myself. I do feel like a part of me knows I am fully responsible for myself, and there's no point in blaming anyone but it also feels very easy to blame it all on him and hate him, but then again, I don't want to hate or judge.

Thank you for this blog, it has been a source of support and guidance for me...

hello lovely !! <3 i am doing very well, whenever spring is in the air, i feel so in love ! :)))) how are you ?

that bit about isolating yourself bc u thought it was the solution. so relatable, lmao. thank you for sharing all of this !

i totally understand everything you are saying, as for the past couple years since knowing the law i also felt that way. i refused to hold anyone accountable for anything, because i felt like it was my responsibility to take as, just like you said, i was fully conscious and am a victim of myself. but tbh, this only made things harder and didnt stop people from doing what they wanted. when i started to accept the pain i felt, the way i saw them (they did this to me, and yeah it hurt and im upset, etc etc), i actually started being able to move on and stop harbouring resentments. (bc telling myself i should take responsbility for them only created resentment, bc it wasnt true to how i rly felt inside of my heart) this isn't so much about blame but staying true to yourself. let yourself have that moment to fully digest and feel the way your experience with him has been. bc then you will feel much more free to move into love and nonjudgment and ultimately freedom... rather than trying to force yourself into it now, because you know its what you "should" do. i hope this is helpful <3

i'm so thankful that my blog has been helpful for you, thank you for sharing that :') xo

[gabapentinblues]

1.14.2025 nightly journal

missed my journal last night. feels like its been longer than a day. i had weird vivid dreams last night about exes. have had them on my mind all day and it has been really upsetting honestly.

had a hard time actually wanting to get up early and was late to therapy on purpose. i talked about how i dont know where i want to go or what i want to do, like do i want to keep living in the city. it has been really hard for me to weigh it out and conceptualize it in a practical way. ive just been feeling a little detached and not real every time i think about it and its like how do you make a decision when nothing feels like real life. idk im trying.

i didn't journal last night because i was so upset about it i didnt know what to do and i just went to bed.

on one hand, i could stay where i am. i keep my independence, i spend the summer here and go to the lake and parks and take walks on sunny days. i live near coffee shops and thrift stores and book stores and challenge myself to go new places. maybe i get a bike too. keep in close contact with my friends here, hang out multiple times a week. i could keep working on making my place nice, buy bracket shelves, put up christmas lights and get all my artwork framed and hung. i would have to find a second job or some way to make more money, which has been a huge source of stress for me. i could sell things on ebay and have a shop for prints, but those are also stressful for me. the pressure of needing to make ends meet is a lot. i would also still have to manage my alone time, i could start going to the gym again, i would have to find ways to make my routine feel full so im not lonley and miserable on otherwise beautiful days. i dont want staying up here to feel like white knuckles. i will have to deal with the pressure that i could be dating but dont feel ready, i will be surrounded by all kinds of fomo and i will have to make peace with it.

or i could move away and really have some time to rest. all pressure to make money removed and i can truly take my time. no need to take care of myself all alone, no constant grocery shopping and cooking and cleaning. there would be less on my plate. i would have more space, a pool and a yard to walk around. i could start driving to the gym and taking walks at the state park. i would really be able to take my time to figure things out and get the support i need. i would get to see my dogs. but i might be sad for what i left behind and feel like i should have tried harder, thoughts like what if i had met someone great or something amazing happened. maybe everyone is having more fun without me. i could be bored with a lot less around to do, i might feel isolated. i would have friends nearby that i could reconnect with. eventually id get an easy job to fill my time and id be able to save money.

i dont know what to count on, i guess i just have to keep thinking it over. i dont know which is going to allow for more growth for me, which is going to put me closer to where i need to be. which will be more satisfying and good for my well being.

my therapists will probably say i need to keep doing values work and theyre probably right.

i just cant picture a future that doesnt make me want to die.

we had a really stupid content group and then did self portraits in expressive therapy. then i had to go to work which was fine. it has been bitterly cold and awful so far this week.

i got home and im trying to eat better, it was actually very easy while i was busy throughout the day but now i want to binge so bad. i also want to self harm. i talked to my mom and cried after i hung up the phone and i just feel overwhelmed and dont know what to do.

[nathank77]

1/11/25

2:32 p.m

I didn't do laundry bc there were towels in the machines and it was too much for me with all the stuff I have to do without extra stuff added on top. Also my mother has been a first class bitch. I'm just laying here and the ringing in my left ear is persistent. My verbal hallucination is less but the same. I think maybe in a decade it'll go away...

But i found out xanax can cause tinnitus. It can damage hair cells in the inner ear... and I had some symptoms of tinnitus early psychosis... mostly just the ringing of a phone or a buzzing like celll phone viberating.

And sure my entire life at times I'd hear a beep that never stopped... but never constantly. It would go away..

I've noticed my tinnitus is bad. I prefer it to the voice... but long term Xanax use can cause damage to the hair cells bc its ototoxic.... it can cause hearing loss. It can cause hypercusis..

I know i have tinnitus. I know i have hearing loss... Idk what caused it... maybe my brain is turning psychosis into tinnitus. Bc I prefer it...... or maybe it's xanax.

I'm starting to think i have hypercusis. Honestly. I haven't been wearing my hearing aids and Riley barking makes me want to slam my head against the wall. I want sound deprivation..... it's not just the fucking awful noise machine.... it's like my mother coughing in the kitchen.

Tin foil, shit like that. Not always but especially when I'm anxouos.

My hearing aids were on when a garbage truck was picking up a dumpster and I tried to get out of my car and it was defeaningly loud. I had to hide in my car with the door closed until it left...

I keep thinking i want to wear my hearing aids but I'm worried. And now my own voice sounds louder when I talk without them in and almost the same as when they are in. But one side is louder when they are in... even at lowest volume..

I know i have eustachian tube issues... I'm anxiuos..

Last night I vowed to stop wearing my hearing aids until the next tuning... bc I was worried i ruptured my right eardrum... very unlikely. I always get a ton of anxiety right before bed... two nights ago I thought I saw green on my hand wound... and I was worried i was going to lose my hand. The night before that I was worried I slipped a disc in my neck..you have no idea how isolated I am and my mother always attacking me and how im always anxiuos.

It's really hard to survive. It's really hard to feel normal. I don't feel safe with my mother. I don't feel safe at all.

I'm prob going to turn on a game soon. I cannot stop xanax. And switching to another benzo isn't a solution. Bc I mean they are ototoxic.... and I hate to say it but xanax is worth it.... I need it. This isn't an addict saying I love xansx. I take xansx and I fall asleep within 2 hours. I'm unconscious 80% of my xansx time, probably 90%, now that my thyriod levels are normal and I've been sleeping amazingly well....

Without xanax i cannot fall asleep. And weed gives me anxiety now bc I don't want to worsen my hallucination. I haven't smoked a puff of weed since I think July? Idk i got to check...

But yea i really can't sleep without xanax. Sedative hypnotics are way worse for you especially with a history of hallucinations that haven't even stopped. And I acknowledge that xanax can cause hallucinations funny enough... but tbh it helps with them.... it actually stops the mental picture/auditory hallucination thing from happening and slightly decreases my hallucination..

But sedative hypnotics can cause visual hallucinations... I don't ever want to truly experience what visuals are like..I got a taste.... a minor taste.... I experienced some when I was fighting sleep deprivation.... but I'm incredibly thankful they aren't something I face. That I can trust my sight. That I don't see germs crawling on my hands or the deadname creature standing in the corner.

I don't even want to know the horrors they would cause. I'd be dead. I'd never take antipsychotics. I'd just kill myself.

Either way I accept that xansx can hurt me too in different ways and I need it and it's the benefits outweighs the risks..

But my ears have been hurting. Is it tactile? Is it from too much noise? Is my voice actually that much more amplified with the hearing aids that it damaged my ears? Could my right ear drum be ruptured? I don't actually think it is..... but could my tubes and the fear of loud nosies and tinnitus be caused by xansx? Is my hearing getting worse bc of the hearing aids or was it always like this bc of xansx or my neural pathway getting slowly destroyed to destroy the hallucination???

Idk. My brain is like I want to wear the hearing aids. I don't want to wear the hearing aids. Now my voice sounds loud without them. My breath sounded loud with them... now I'm like everything sounds loud... I know the right one is a little bit much.

Idk I'm fucking anxiuos.

Do i have an ear infection? Or is my ear over stimulated? Or is it all tactiles? Cause I'm getting pain in both.

[zeroandone01]

this past two days was really challenging so heavy trigger warning.

yesterday i woke up and went to school like usual. school was horrible. didn't want to talk to anyone and realized how lonely i am. had no appetite. then i got home. it was empty. it's never empty. so i cut. took some random pills to feel the side effects and texted my ex. which went pretty good. tho it made me realize how emotionally abusive i was. didn't do that on purpose. i apologized and we talked for a long time. didn't respond to anyone else. then i got a headache from the pills so i went to sleep.

today got up get ready and met up with my friends. they were smoking like crazy. i think i'm going to start smoking too. i was super stressed and generally just bad mentally. idk what triggered me. probably felt left out since they have crazy ass lives and i'm just there. hated myself today. hated how ugly i was. hated my cowardly personality. i'll try to change that. so i just got home, miserable as always. tried to vomit just to feel something. and than took two painkillers. im glad im all alone even tho it makes me go crazy. but i dont want to be isolated anymore. i want to have lots of friends who don't even know me very well. i want to jump from relationship to relationship. but who would wnat to date me or be my friend.

i miss my psychologist..

[jilljacket]

Today with Mac….

Showed me how to fix my posture!! Adjust back and sit up that’s why you can’t turn back… wowww

Got my food discounted half off today??? Even after I asked for more it still was 1.99!!!

He told me what if you’re a tool that needs to be used for Gods purpose? And for franks purpose? And what if that’s even just breaking up with him… showing him the love of Christ

He suggested for me to let go…

Told me I have wife vibes ? Lol … and I deserve a husband that honors and respects that !!!

He prayed over my heart to not be numb

I started seeing stuff ??? White thing??? Idek after I prayed to start seeing stuff with him he told me no you don’t want to be a seer.. But if you become one you literally have to be strong and hold your ground. and fight back.

He said with Jenna the Lord showed her submission to him before they even started dating !!! Woww

He said that with Andrea she was seeing multiple men while seeing Sam… didn’t even know they were dating until they had sex too. Andrea lied to Sam trying to isolate him… wow. Mac lied in the car. Later way later he told the truth when grace found out!! Then she started attacking him because he wanted to see her phone too. Also Mac was mad at Sam?? But knew they weren’t dating? Not sure but he admitted they were all messed up. And he eventually told his mom the total truth which is really cool. Also i asked why she couldn’t see the truth and he said she did but she didn’t want to see it :( wow… Didn’t know any of that.

He said they would do dumb stuff together him and Andrea and go streaking in neighborhoods and stuff like that lol she also lied to everyone saying his dick was small idk… lol. Seduced him to have sex would invite him over and stuff like that.

Said girls should be with girls and boys should be with boys …. Idk also when we were hanging out he was like I feel 17 again lol he told me I have Scott pilgrim or high school vibes not me but hanging out idk

She spun it to me saying that Sam attacked her… Sam was so mad about the rape he beat her .. lol wow… I’m pretty sure.

Mac was having sex with everything lol wow… sooo sad :( even spirits maybe? Idk

Mac was hearing pride about Frank … and about protection over feet!

Mac also said until he left grace that’s when he finally felt like he was on the right path toward his calling…

Mac was saying something about my identity and how maybe the Lord wants me to learn how to be a wife before you get married… and to heal you first. Makes sense…

As you give up things and follow the Lord he will finally be able to give you gifts and wrap his arms around you in a tangible undeniable way

He said you have a very innocent heart and it’s crazy how the enemy went for that to try to break you im pretty sure he said

I told Mac how I want marriage and stuff like that and he said he gets it it was the same with him and grace

He also recently told me we both have Hispanic dads we don’t see lol and similar last names!! His is Aigler lol wow… so crazy. He also told me he would text Jenna but didn’t tell her we were hanging out?? Hmm sus lol idk

Oct 4/5 2024