#idk sometimes i write characters processing events before i actually write out what happens because. like.

[mixelation]

oh yeah i also wrote some of the fall out of the chunin exams from minato's pov

the [...] marks an unwritten scene or two lmao

***

Minato looked at the genin’s report first thing in the morning, opening it even before his assistant brought him coffee. 

He was surprised it was in Tori’s handwriting and not Itachi’s. Itachi had always been picky about reports (and everything else anyone might do), and Minato often found his notes even on subordinates’ individual reports. Surely Itachi hadn’t told Tori to do the report. But the alternative also seemed strange. Who could convince Itachi not to at least write his own notes?

The format was also non-standard, but Minato didn’t mind it. Tori had somehow condensed the entire mission into a single page, front and back, with important events succinctly outlined in a logical, easy-to-read flow. To this page she’d stapled twenty-seven pages of what seemed to be notes on the conversation they’d had to produce this report, which were more detailed but not in an order that was easy for an outsider to follow. 

The contents of the report turned out to be insane. 

Minato had talked in length with Kushina about her version of events. He knew the details of the actual exam, their plan and Iwa’s eventual attack. He knew that, somehow, Itachi would end up rescuing Kushina alone while Tori and Deidara had gone after Morino. He knew what Itachi had deemed important for him to know immediately, which was that Tori had elected to make several decisions to manipulate Konoha’s international relations. 

He had assumed the way they’d accomplished these things would be wild. He’d somehow underestimated how wild. 

For one thing, apparently Deidara had fought the Tsuchikage. This was stated very matter-of-factly in the middle of a paragraph with no particular fanfare, and made Minato choke on his coffee. 

There weren’t even any supplementary notes about this fact. Deidara had barged into the Tsuchikage’s box, screamed to a bunch of foreign dignitaries about Iwa kidnapping his sensei while everyone was distracted by the tournament, and then he’d fought the Tsuchikage. That was it. No further comment. 

Deidara had also done this with enough skill to then leave the battle site in sufficient chaos that no one had been able to immediately follow him. This at least had detail; Deidara had simply broken enough of the building that the Tsuchikage’s guard he hadn’t killed needed all hands on deck to save their important foreign visitors from its imminent collapse. 

Jiraiya had linked Deidara to a lot of destroyed structures– and buildings which were only partially destroyed in very sophisticated, calculated ways– but what the fuck. Deidara was eleven. A team of Iwa demolition experts couldn’t pull that off nearly as cleanly. 

Part of Minato’s assumptions had been that Tori and Deidara had stayed together. Tori was extremely clever, and probably much more talented in fuuinjutsu than she let on, but she was very demonstrably not well-skilled in combat, and she’d shut down her own chakra in a last-ditch effort to stave off her own poisoning. That she would stick to a more combat-oriented person in a support role had been her MO as long as Minato had known her. 

This, it turned out, was an incorrect assumption to the degree that Minato wasn’t even really sure how Tori had accomplished what she had. She had… simply walked into Iwa T&I, if he was reading this correctly. The report simply said she’d “infiltrated it through the back door.” Her supplemental notes clarified she’d done this via “the super secret jutsu of being twelve and unintimidating.” Then she’d called on a random T&I employee that she described as “looking slightly confused about his job (you know the type)” and convinced him they were meant to be relocating prisoners to help her move Morino. 

These… these were not normal infiltration tactics. Minato had no idea what she was talking about. 

At least with Itachi, Minato knew he was one of Konoha’s best and brightest. Minato would never order him to infiltrate a place by himself, but he understood how he’d done it with ample abuse of genjutsu and murder. He didn’t understand how Itachi had known where Kushina would be, and this was never commented on, but this question was extremely low priority. 

Minato called back in his assistant and asked for a second coffee, and for her to schedule an all-day meeting the next day with Team 4 and some of Konoha’s leadership. 

He probably wouldn’t keep everyone there all day. But he wanted everyone available. 

The rest of his day was spent in more meetings on the Iwa fiasco. Morino was stable and talking, which pleased him. Tori’s report was copied and passed around to various offices for record-keeping and analysis, to see if anyone could divine Iwa’s motives and goals from their actions. 

Shikaku sauntered into his debriefing with Minato with a copy in his hand. 

“What the fuck is this?” he said, waving it. 

“Team 4 is… resilient under stress?” Minato tried. 

“More like Team Disaster,” Shikaku snorted, then dropped into a chair across from Minato. 

Minato liked Shikaku. He’d call them work friends, maybe, as much as a Kage and his subordinate could be work friends. Shikaku was several years older and had usually been stationed in different parts of the war from Minato, but their sons were the same age, and Shikaku was always open for commiseration about the joys and challenges of fatherhood. Minato didn’t really get invited to afterwork events, but sometimes when they were both working late, Shikaku would show up with a couple beers and a few moments of friendly chat. 

Today Shikaku’s friendly observation was, “Do you think they’re lying?”

Minato stared at him, nonplussed. “About what?”

Shikaku slapped the papers he was holding with the back of his free hand. “All of it. Some of it. It’s pretty unbelievable. A team of our best Jounin couldn’t pull this off.”

Minato frowned down at the original report, laid out on his desk. It did… well, it had occurred to him that some of Tori and Deidara’s parts, which neither Kushina nor Itachi had witnessed personally, might be exaggerated. 

“Itachi was with them when Tori wrote the report,” Minato said finally. “He wouldn’t put up with a story he didn’t find believable.”

“He’s a genius, but he’s still only thirteen,” Shikaku said. “I’m not saying it’s likely. I’m saying it’s possible. Both Inoichi and I agree you didn’t do enough to vet those two.”

Minato sighed and leaned back in his seat. They’d been over this. He, too, would have liked to vet Tori and Deidara more and give them a longer probation period, but he’d also needed them for this mission. 

“Let’s assume it’s a true and fair report of events for today,” Minato said at length. “I’ll let you and Inoichi grill them to your hearts’ content tomorrow.”

Sikaku raised his eyebrows. “And grill them I will,” he promised. “Fighting the Tsuchikage and his guard in close combat? Being twelve no jutsu? C’mon.”

They moved onto what Minato actually wanted Shikaku to talk about. It was unclear what Iwa’s motive was, or what their plan had been, if any, and for how long they’d been planning it. Their many, many analyses of Iwa’s movements and communications leading up to the chunin exam had borne no major red flags.

Tori’s report had made the astute observation that the window for synthesizing and then implementing the chakra poison before it broke down was quite narrow. Iwa would have had to produce it all during the week prior to the tournament, which meant there was some advanced planning, but they theoretically could have made these plans after Team 4 had arrived. 

“They would have had to arrange all the equipment and ingredients too,” Shikaku pointed out. “That would have taken months.”

“Unless they already had it for other reasons,” Minato said. This idea, unfortunately, raised a bunch of other questions about why. 

“True,” Shikaku replied. “But they’ve never used it before, and we have no intel on what they might need it for that they couldn’t get some other, less convoluted way.”

Shikaku had also gone through the reports on the exam itself, both the half-page Tori had dedicated to it and Kushina’s sprawling initial report she’d penned while babbling to Minato about how she was okay, she promised.

“There’s at least four places I believe an assassination was attempted,” Shikaku concluded. “Your Team Disaster just… didn’t notice, somehow.”

“Oh,” Minato said. He… also hadn’t noticed. 

“The first is during the second phase of the chunin exam,” Shikaku said. “Kushina-san states that Tori was attacked by six other participants.”

“Oh,” Minato repeated, now seeing the problem. This had really been a blip on his radar too; Kushina had not expended an ounce of concern for her weakest student. This detail had only made it into the report as an example of Tori making friends immediately with a Kiri-nin in line for the Seven Swordsmen. 

But no, actually, they had split up the Konoha genin and sent them off with inadequate weapons. This would have seemed immediately suspicious and unfair, if only it had slowed any of the genin down remotely. 

“If I’m right that they were assassination attempts, the earlier attempts are sloppy,” Shikaku observed. “They might have been less well planned. A rushed decision, maybe.”

“Why?” Minato asked. 

Shikaku stared at him meaningfully. “You waltzed one of their pet project kids right in there and said he was yours.”

Well. 

“That reason doesn’t explain the poison synthesis,” Minato said finally. 

“True,” Shikaku agreed. “It’s not the best theory. But we don’t have a best theory yet.”

The last item they discussed was the one that gave Minato the most anxiety. 

“The reason they chose chakra poisoning…” he started. The main reason villages had started trying to stock it during the war was that it was one of the very few ways to reliably take down a jinchuriki. 

Shikaku let out a long, tired breath. 

“We’ve had no known intelligence breeches on Kushina-san,” he said finally. “My current theory is that because she’s a wildcard and all they really knew was that she has high chakra reserves, they wanted something guaranteed to work. But I have no way to verify this.”

“I get Jiraiya on it,” Minato decided. 

The Tsuchikage’s communication on the matter arrived by hawk late in the evening, which was about the fastest turnaround time Minato could have expected. 

Minato was, at least, in a decent mood when he received it. Kushina had brought Naruto and a home cooked meal up to the office for dinner, and he’d had a good forty-five minutes of laughter and a good-bye kiss from his wife. Shikaku hadn’t come by with a beer, but Akimichi Chouza’s wife had sent a tin of sweet sticky rice treats up to the other two thirds of Shika-Ino-Cho, also working late on this, and a couple of them had ended up on Minato’s desk. 

The Tsuchikage’s letter was brief. He did not mention Kushina at all, offering no apology, explanation, or even acknowledgement his village had done anything to her. Instead, he wrote condolences for Minato’s out of control team and forgiveness for their incredible feats of property damage. 

As an act of good faith, we will not request monetary compensation for said damages, only that your team be appropriately disciplined, the Tsuchikage’s secretary had written. We do request an international statement from you, disavowing the heinous and untruthful lies your genin chose to shout at our guests in what we could only assume was a poorly considered prank. 

Damages listed all but outright admitted that Deidara had indeed personally attacked the Tsuchikage and then sauntered off largely unharmed. Minato couldn’t help it. He laughed. 

What the fuck?

xXx

[...]

xXx

Two things of note happened the following week. 

One, the Mizukage sent him a letter, penned by her own hand. 

I have heard a terrible rumor, which if true, we in Kiri find most sympathetic, the letter started. Further down the page, she continued, Of course, Kiri must discourage any unnecessary retaliation, especially given… [here, Terumi Mei listed a non-exhaustive list of six different post-war treaties] …but know that should this escalate, Kiri is ready to honor its alliance, if we find this rumor to be true. 

Terumi Mei then requested Konoha’s official statement in a tone that Minato would venture to call gossipy, and hinted that she wanted to know if he wanted her to contact the Tsuchikage or not. She’d left a lipstick print next to the Mizukage seal, which… Minato was not going to unpack. 

Their alliance with Kiri wasn’t especially strong. Kiri had switched their allegiance from the Konoha-Suna side to Iwa-Kumo midway through the war; they’d only negotiated from a peace agreement up to something more like an “alliance” when Terumi Mei had taken over. Their shinobi still regularly clashed along the border, and all their alliance meant was that Minato and Mei just sort of politely looked away and didn’t escalate. On top of that, one of the post-war agreements, as insisted upon by the leader of Ame who’d strong-armed his way into negotiations last moment, was that no shinobi village could enter into an alliance which would require them to join another village’s declaration of war. In other words, an “alliance” didn’t mean Kiri would fight with them, or even lift a finger for them, should the need come. 

But it was probably the most positive letter he’d ever gotten from another Kage. 

Kiri’s support was also, notably, not something Oonoki seemed to believe Konoha had achieved in his communications. This was a definite win for them. 

Nice job, Tori, Minato thought. 

Then he buried his face in his hands at the thought. No. Tori could never find out that had worked the way she’d thought it would, or else she would interpret this as carte blanche to do whatever she wanted. 

The second thing that happened threw their entire intelligence department for a loop. 

He received a letter, not by hawk, but in the form of an animated, flying paper crane. It landed on his desk and then just sat there while his entire ANBU guard descended upon it. Minato was shuffled out of his office while a total of ten experts verified it was safe to touch. 

Eventually, someone unfolded the paper to discover it was a letter. 

Ame has uncovered some information you might find interesting, a feminine hand had written. We invite you to visit to talk it over. Attach one of your Hiraishin to this paper and come by whenever you wish. 

Under it she’d written: 

You may bring whoever you like. Your Team 4 seems interesting, for example. 

“There’s no way that’s not a trap,” Shikaku said when Minato read it outloud. “Definitely don’t do that.”

Shikaku was right. No one in their right mind would invite Minato to send in a Hiraishin marker. Still, Minato pouted about it to Kushina in bed. 

“No one ever invites me,” he complained. Hiruzen had visited other villages plenty of times. Other Kage regularly got to go show up for Chunin Exams, at the very least. But nooo, everyone politely suggested he just send a representative, because he was the scary guy who’d just plant markers to break in again whenever he wanted and kill everyone or whatever they thought would happen. 

“I wouldn’t plant a Hiraishin marker on an ally,” Minato said. 

Kushina looked up from her second attempt to get through the most recent Icha Icha. 

“Yes, you would,” she said bluntly. 

Minato pouted some more.

[thomas-jefferson-miku-binder]

Dying to know your thoughts on arcane season 2 act 2 (and how you think they handled orianna specifically) ^-^ take your time though and I hope you feel better soon

I talked a little bit about it on Twitter because I use that place as a sketchbook for most meta posts I write.

I... actually did not vibe with the Orianna moment. In a show where so much happens in so little time (and especially in Act 2), the whole thing just felt like taking up minutes that could’ve been used to shed a little more light into whatever the fuck is going on with the Hexcore, which is a point I'll be circling back to later.

I don't think Singed’s character asks for that deep explanation of why he does things the way he does, even if I appreciate his writing and lines. That whole moment felt like This Is League of Legends and Arcane-canon bullshit and “we need to tie everything into lol lore”. And it kills me because I'm sure this wouldn't be a problem if they didn't make Arcane the main canon universe.

Going back to the Hexcore, a thing that really bothered me was Act 2’s lack of storytelling clarity regarding Viktor. We leave Act 1 with the understanding that there’s something going on with Hextech and that whatever is influencing Viktor has a deeper, more sinister intent. This shows in how he handles his and Jayce's relationship, the effects over his voice lines during their conversation ("It was affection that held us together"), the way the anomaly behaves during EP3's showdown, and Sky's role in all of it. To me, in Act 1, it's implied that the Sky Viktor sees throughout his journey in the underground and how it behaves wasn't in fact Sky, but something using her skin to guide Viktor using a familiar form (a form which coincidently provokes in him a lot of guilt) for its own purposes. I thought showing Sky without her glasses was a really clever way to also convey that, stripping her of what made her human, showing there's something off.

And we get to Act 2, especially EP 6, and I'm beyond confused. The space sequences show Viktor talking and acting like he did before the events of Season 2. He looks like he previously did. He sounds like he previously did. And then they show Sky! Just behaving like a person! No more sinister undertone, no more just despersonified screams of agony from her dying moments to guide Viktor. And I'm so confused about what they're trying to tell me! And it's not the good confusing feeling you sometimes get from art, it's the "I think you fucked up whatever message you were trying to convey".

I know that the Arcane is written to be fucked up. Evil horrors beyond our comprehension is the point, I know that. Most people know that. But the space scenes did not seem to know that at all! All the wariness and tension and lack of agency were just… gone. Idk

And I can't even bring myself to be mad at the "Jayce ruined everything" people because for once I do think it was a failure in the writing depart. It facilitates this type of interpretation 👎👎👎 (this tweet has 20k+ likes)

Not exactly knowing what drove Jayce to act like that is killing me inside, also. They're obviously planning on doing some alternate dimension, multiverse, time-travel-ish thing ("I won't fail"), which scares me on its own merit, but merely knowing something happened isn't as sufficient as I myself thought it would be. I feel like it’s one of the few moments where Arcane’s wait-a-week Act structure backfired because not knowing his process takes A Lot from it.

I tend to really enjoy Arcane’s type of storytelling where not everything is acted out, leaving space for you 🫵 the viewer to fill in those gaps (for example, the enforcer Vi scenes). It's why I like League of Legends in general and Star Trek TOS. Enough is shown for it to feel satisfying but it still invites you as a spectator to participate in this story. I do think, however, that Jayce's major decision change should have been explained a bit further.

And yeah I complained a lot, but I loved a lot about it as well. All the Jinx scenes, the Warwick plot, Vi, Isha, Sevika, Mel, Leblanc... that was all insane in the best ways possible. I have some thoughts on Act 2 Cait but that will gain its own separate post

[wanderingblindly]

I keep thinking about your portrayal of Lando in Impasse of Biting (and this is going to be very personal and possibly somewhat incorrect so feel free to skip it yk) and I've decided to just write my thesis on it because fuck it why not

the way you describe a scene is always just so. vivid to me. like all the details and the subtleties make it palpable, it all flows so naturally I've never had to think twice about what the scenery is or where/how the characters are physically because it just stays, and this story stuck with me with a level of detail not many have. full disclosure I did not reread the fic before writing this (to preserve sanity) so some details might be off regardless. anyways.

what immediately stands out about Lando is how alone he feels, that he's isolated on a much deeper level than just being introverted would get you. the way I think about this is basically: when you treat/perceive life as if it was happening TO you without having a say in it, in a way you're not living in the same world everyone else is. events in your life, the actions you take, maybe even the things you think or want don't feel like they're in your control, they're not really connected to you. and since you're obviously different than those around you in how you process basically everything you become painfully alone. ("fun" fact I wasn't really able to relate to basically any fictional character for a looooooong time. they had motives and reasons for their actions. I didn't feel I had anything to do with that.) it's like you're an observer of your own life, playing a passive role rather than being alive, you don't feel like a person at all sometimes (which is why I think Charles' proposition has such a grip on him. it's a promise to be seen, wanted, needed. to be a real person with a palpable effect on their surroundings, to fill out a place in the world. to be known)

the way Lando then broke free of that, stood up for himself (because he realised he deserved to and could just do that) meant, like, a lot to me. just seeing my own experience reflected back at me like that, and then seeing Lando overcoming it gave me a lot of,,, not really hope (thankfully I did already battle it out) but more like, reassurance that no matter what I would've gotten away from that mentality (eventually). that I would not have been stuck in my own mind for the rest of my life. we don't really find out in detail why Lando turned out like that, but I know why I did, and for a long time I felt like my life was taken away from me in a sense, I had to mourn that. and it took a lot out of me emotionally, and sometimes I'm still afraid I might slip back or that in some alternate universe I never made it out. seeing someone else go through something very similar and leaving that situation happy meant. more than I can describe tbh

altough Oscar's character had less of an effect on me (tbf there's not really a fair comparison to be made) there is still a lot to be said about his complete refusal to accept himself as he is, that he had to be shown that he CAN and deserves to be loved before he even considered letting himself take what he needs also resonated with me a lot. in my mind they connect through their respective superstitions of being loved (idk if that wording makes sense tbh you might have to read my mind here soz)

it also stood out to me how Lando irl was a very shy (and likely lonely) teenager, who would actually find his confidence and subsequently very lively personality later in life. which I think is less a consciously written parallel and more like a characteristic of him that's naturally adapted into a lot of rpf works (I still find it noteworthy tho). and I don't know how much you, the author, ever experienced that, but admittedly I am curious about it (and completely feel free to not answer that btw) never before in my life have I been able to talk to someone about this very specific type of loneliness and felt like they actually understood. like when I explain it logically everyone can imagine it, but I don't think you can truly get it unless you've been through it yourself, which thankfully not many have.

I'm not usually the type of person to cry reading fics no matter how deeply miserable they make me (ex: Casual by loquarocoeur. that fic ruined my life but I never truly felt like crying about it) EXCEPT for when they resonate with me on a personal level apparently because I quite literally cried myself to sleep after Impasse. like it GOT to me. I needed that I think, so above all thank you (as you can tell I've thought about this a totally normal and healthy amount, I also think it's important to let people know when they've had an impact on you so here we are) (even if I'm too much of a pussy to not do this out of anon lmao)

- anon with the "letting go" answer to the smut poll thing (getting such a positive response to that gave me the motivation to write this so like, keep being lovely c:) (and ps. I'm not gonna say sorry for sending you a literal essay because that would be lying and lying is bad but for the record, I did NOT intend for this to be nearly 1k words long and I completely understand if it was intimidating enough to be skipped or procrastinated)

(impasse of biting)

oh my god,,,, oh my god can I,,,,, can I kiss you on the forehead,,,,,, this is possibly the most beautiful ask I've ever received. And, despite you not having read it a second time, you are SO right on so many fronts. In fact, some of these points are almost word for word lifted from my rambling to the homies on discord during the writing/brainstorming process.

I hope you don't mind a small essay in response, ft. some screenshots (if I can find them).

the way you describe a scene is always just so. vivid to me. like all the details and the subtleties make it palpable

I've said it a million times, but this is always the highest praise imaginable to me. I never believed in settings/scene descriptions as my strongest point, especially considering my aphantasia. I'll go cry now.

when you treat/perceive life as if it was happening TO you without having a say in it, in a way you're not living in the same world everyone else is.

I swear I said nearly this exact thing, word for word, to someone while I was planning this fic. It's the one screenshot I can't find, and I'm pulling my hair out about it, but in short: Y E S. That's exactly the brand of loneliness I wanted to describe. Because Lando's issue isn't introversion, it's not that he can't put himself out there and be loud if he wants to, it's more so that any time he tried to in the past, it didn't... work. It was like everyone was operating on different assumptions than him, or getting different signals. And that repeated experience beat him down to the Lando we see in the fic.

It reminds me of this comment I made:

I wanted to emphasize the loneliness with this overarching sense of... helplessness. And that's the reason it was so painful to Lando at certain points in his life -- the perceived lack of agency.

(which is why I think Charles' proposition has such a grip on him. it's a promise to be seen, wanted, needed. to be a real person with a palpable effect on their surroundings, to fill out a place in the world. to be known)

You get it! You get it!!!!!!!! I was also thinking about why Lando would stay with Charles despite it not really getting better. Like, yes, the urge to be seen and wanted and needed would get him in his grip, but why would Lando stay? And I realized it all came back to the idea of apathy as a misrepresentation for acceptance:

for a long time I felt like my life was taken away from me in a sense, I had to mourn that.

First of all, I'm really really glad that you've gotten yourself to a better place in your life -- and I'm glad that reading this helped you feel seen and understood in your journey. This specific wording really resonated with the way I tried to show Lando's relationship to his lot in life; I wanted him to be angry because I wanted him to be grieving. I wanted him to be mad at himself for letting himself get to this point, and I wanted him to feel that ambiguous, hard-to-pinpoint anger that comes with mourning.

Him being mad at himself felt really key to his character development, because it exemplifies him taking control of his own life. By getting mad, by being ignited from the inside, we see that he realizes it was, to an extent, always in his control -- and he chose to let himself watch life happen. Obviously the reality may not have been that simple, but the mentality switch felt really vital to me.

in my mind they connect through their respective superstitions of being loved

I totally may be misunderstanding you here (sorry!), but I definitely see what you mean here -- and I agree! The fact that they both have equal but opposite... hang ups about love and life is part of what brings them together. Lando believes he's only good for giving and resents that, Oscar believes he's only designed to take, and he would rather die than give in to it. What I really loved about the resolution to this dynamic though, is that they didn't actually change -- Lando still gives, and Oscar still takes. But it's the connotation, the feeling behind the behavior, that shifts. They didn't have to change who they were, intrinsically, to find love that leaves them feeling safe.

I don't know how much you, the author, ever experienced that, but admittedly I am curious about it

Hmmmmm I'm honestly not sure that I've felt this exact brand of loneliness before, but I used to frequently grapple with like... the fear that I was living life correctly, especially when I was younger. I lived a very straight and narrow life in high school, I didn't party in college, I didn't have my first partner until I was 23, etc etc. A lot of the milestones that felt really normal to my peers just... didn't happen to me.

It's all tied pretty intricately to my asexuality, I've realized, but I described my relationship to a lot of the world as feeling like a doll, or maybe a large scale art piece. I was admired a lot, aesthetically, but I didn't really exist in the same way that a lot of "women" (ish) did.

So, no. Probably not what you went through at all, but perhaps a different genre of it :) I just like thinking about emotions hahahaha. Though my DMs are always open if you'd like to talk more about this sort of thing, I contemplate it often <333

I quite literally cried myself to sleep after Impasse. like it GOT to me

This must have been kinda scary to admit, even on anon, but jesus christ THANK YOU. I never imagine any of my works like, resonating with people. Mattering at all, really. I still don't entirely believe that people read the nonsense I put out there. But god, this is like.... it. It's possibly all a casual writer could ever hope to achieve. Thank you again, I don't even have the words <3333333333333333333333

so like, keep being lovely c:

NO U!!!!!!!!!!!! MWUAH!!!!

[hell-drabbles]

(tbh, I don't even have the angel cards cuz I'm broke lol🙃, but I'll tell a few thing's what I noticed on other people's post about them either the comics, message's, or stories and theories)

Let's start with Rafael, the dude is like that one insecure kid in the family that always get compared to their other siblings or cousins, Gabriel is the messenger, Michael is the right hand, Rafael wanted to be acknowledged as something, he sees god as kind and benevolent being and being too merciful so he wanted to be the one who punishes evil for him because he loves god and wanted to understand him in some degree, so he judges based on his beliefs wether they're innocent or not and just like other Angel's, his views are always on god and wouldn't acknowledge the God's other creations because he sees them unworthy of God's recognition, bro is already insane (and God didn't even reprimanded this type behavior idk) and had spiraled further since God disappear when peepaw Solomon died, so ever since then he sees all of his decisions and other forms of punishment as a will for/from God in hopes he will come back one day and see his work.

So, the Christmas event happened and most of us know about the chastity belts they wear as to keep them pure for god, and out all of the three seraphim, Rafael is the only one that had his successfully and actually taken off by Raon (that's what they say) and by the time our little rara came back to heaven, bro had his post nut happiness because no joke that the brother actually thought he had ascended into a higher rank than Michael and Gabriel after he experience his first nut (since Lucifer said that Angel's engaged in ecstasies and eventually stop before they climax) Rafael was in a good mood back in heaven during those days that he scared most of the other Angel's.

(that's all bro, I'm new to your blog and love your raon trash talks, sorry English is not my native language btw, you also get a follow, I'll still go a couple of research for the other seraphim)

[ and also After reading a couple of your Lucifer x Companion works I'm hooked, Raon is so rotten to the point I think he wouldn't stop even if ever one day Companion gets married to Lucifer and Raon would just insist that its for the betterment of hell lol bye]

Funny you should send me Raphael of all angels, I was actually starting to write about him. So that's how he's like huh? That's funny. I am going around and reading what I can find about him, especially his card lines because I get the strongest grasp of a character by the way they're talking. And wow, he's a delusional one, ain't he? Also, I take an interest in his relationship with Heaven, since it's pretty clear he has no love for the others that live there, and if need be, will burn that place to the ground if it aligns with his views on God. What a weirdo.

Haaa, my brain has been stuck on how the seraphim would take in interest in the Embittered Companion, and how that would descend into some good old obsession. I know for certain that they didn't take any interest in the Embittered Companion. It's only after spending time in Heaven do things start to descend. Of course, I naturally want each of their obsessions to be distinct from one another. Like, how I imagine Gabriel to take issue with anyone who keeps a feather of the Embittered Companion to themselves, regardless if they were demon or angel. And Raphael, he has a weird sense of when the Embittered Companion is about to become lucid, so he tends to be there and just, stares. And sometimes laughs for seemingly no reason. He's creeeeepy.

Michael, eh, I don't have anything on him right now. Maybe later.

And yes, yes, Ra-on is certainly a rotten little thing, because holy hell man, incel behavior is no joke and that shit is extremely hard to weed out of a person. So, Ra-on is going to be a frustrating character to deal with, but he'll get better eventually. It's just going to be a rather painful process because of how much he's gotta unpack. Thank you for liking it all!

[writeblrgarden]

PLANT GROWERS - MEET THE WINNERS - SPARROW

Meet Sparrow, who got tenth place in our grow a plant event in november! Sparrow goes by he/him, xe/xim, and it/its, and you can find them at @theglitchywriterboi. He also loves making potatoes and fries (please share). Xe has been writing for his whole life, primarily fantasy, but delving a bit into horror.

Tell us about the WIP you'd like to talk about today.

I'll be talking about Deaths Diner It's book one/five in a multiverse series. Four people who are living some how make their way into the waiting room [basically when you die, you go there, get sorted, go to your proper afterlife], so a few of the residents have to help them make it out alive. Unfortunately, 2/4 of the people needed to properly help them are unavailable. They have to find them before the 4 living die, w/o getting found out by the ruler of the land.

Describe your writing process. Do you like to plan everything or are you more spontaneous?

I have a loose idea of what I want to happen [sometimes it's as vague as "I want the end to be sad. Anything else, idk" & sometimes as much as I know the exact ending, but maybe not how to get there]. So mostly spontaneous w/ the occasional vague plan [though w/ The Obscure Ones series I do have a bit more of a specific idea, though not super planned out, there's still a decent amount of thought in it]

What have you found to be the most challenging and/or rewarding about writing?

All of it - it's easy to spit out words, but it's hard to make it good. Or at least good enough for me to want to share it & consider publishing. But the most rewarding part is having the final story there in front of me & seeing peoples reactions !!!

Below the read more is more of our conversation with Sparrow

What inspires you to write?

Other writers & my love for their stories & going "Omg I wanna make someone feel like this !!!" & also I just love seeing my ideas come to life

Share some advice for other writers.

Write for you !!! At least the first few drafts. Ofc listen to the feedback of your alpha &/or beta readers when the time comes, but when writing make a story YOU want to read, not a story you think will be on the NYT best seller list. It might be ofc, but don't try to make it [in the sense don't throw in things just to try & grab an audience, even if it doesn't work [or you don't actually like it. Make it good yeah, but don't try & hit all the popular book notes at the cost of the story making sense or you liking your own story]

What do consider your writing strength?

Idk personally, but I've been told people like the way I write characters & character dynamics

What has been the nicest compliment you've received or what has been the toughest criticism you've received?

One of my mutuals said this: "and your writing is so so cool. I mean to read more of it so please add me to your taglist because I really would love to see more! I just love the vibes of your wips, they're like grungy nostalgic kind of, and you really nail descriptions in such a cool way and your dialogue sounds hella real and flows so well. The settings are so cool they're so immersive and I haven't even read much but 👀👀👀👀👀" & it still makes me so !!!!

What do you love the most about writing?

The process - discovering what happens while writing it, meeting the characters while writing them.

✨ Sparrow also provided a link for a rough draft of xir wip, which you can read here!

[bigskydreaming]

Aaaanyway, forcefully jumping tracks from THAT train of thought to something more productive, okay, hmm, let's see.

Anyone else have any kind of mental test or vetting process they use for original characters to see if they're done cooking yet, so to speak, and like....actual multi-dimensional, fleshed out characters rather than just a general concept and stats?

Like personally, its not so much a test, as in its not like its something characters or character concepts can fail and I'm like "well that was a waste of neurons, all associated thoughts, imagery and work to date is going in the trash and we are starting OVER."

In my case, its more just that generally speaking, I've noticed there's a specific threshold original characters I create have to reach before I feel like they've moved from a 'rough/tentative/somewhat abstract concept of a character' to a character that actually takes up space in my brain roughly equivalent to what I could invest in pre-existing characters from other media I enjoy.

Characters only really fall into the latter camp for me once I realize I'm at a point where I can envision storylines for them at different points in their life. Like, even if they were created for a specific project or premise, with a particular storyline and plot already in mind for them, or that developed hand in hand with my creation of that character.....at a certain point they become vivid enough to me where I can be like, well its not the story I INTEND to write with this character, but I could imagine this other storyline happening when they were a teenager as opposed to the thirty year old I picture them as now.

Or alternatively, sometimes its more like I have a specific storyline in mind for a character I create, yeah, but I know a character is like, not 'done' but at least conceptually solid and someone I have a good grasp of when I start to picture AU versions of that intended storyline, just to like test and see if there's a better version that I just hadn't considered yet. Like for instance, I start imagining "okay, rather than how my outline has this storyline plotted out for this character, what if - just as a possibility - I set the story at this earlier point in this character's life, or even later after this event or something along these lines has happened and impacted them - how would that change the story, what would happen differently if these same plot points happened to this character then."

Idk, its not a hard and fast rule or pre-set template, more of "I know it when it happens" kinda deal, but basically its just this sense of feeling confident in my creation as a fully realized character rather than a still gestating character concept, because they're fleshed out enough in my mind that I can see not different versions of them so much as just them at different stages of their life or narrative.

And also, I feel as though I could take them OUT of the storyline I created them for, or developed around them/alongside them, and I could drop them into a totally different storyline I have in mind and NOT have it be a copy/paste job, or have it inspire me to start retooling the character to better fit into this other storyline....but instead, their added presence in that storyline inspires me to start mentally reconfiguring IT to better fit THEM and their character as it already is.

Basically its just that point when it becomes easier to imagine their presence in a new story or setting having actual impact on their narrative surroundings and birthing ripples or having a butterfly effect that reshapes it.....than to imagine their presence in a given story or setting forcing changes on THEM, their core characteristics or conceptual elements adapting and changing them to better suit the needs of the new narrative.

In general I tend to take the view that while the best stories strike a balance that prioritizes both character and plot in sizeable ways, if push comes to shove, I err on the side of thinking plots should exist to serve and advance the characters more than characters should exist to serve and advance the plot. There are exceptions, and I'm not saying that alternative takes there are wrong, its just where I land.

So it makes sense to me that this mindset, by extension, also lends itself to me being most confident in original stories & characters I've created, ready to call them solid or realized.....only once I can hold up both the intended plotlines and characters in my mind and see the latter as having enough conceptual mass for me that there's no danger of them being forced into unintended shapes by the narrative. That at this point, its more likely that the shape of the story would be remapped to accommodate them as they are.

Because I write stories from the mindset of "this is where the character is at the beginning, emotionally/mentally/thematically, and this is where I want their character arc to take them to in those respects" rather than "this is where the plot begins, situationally/thematically, and this is the narrative situation and theme I want that plot to take the characters to," I START the character conception process with a hard out in mind. The character as I want them to be once they've gone through their trials, advanced all the way through their plot, been changed by what they've gone through....and then I reverse engineer them from there. Getting them to that endpoint from a characterization point of view is the whole point of writing the story, so I'd rather revise plot points as needed to get them to that point then stick to a plot as initially conceived and just see where that ends up taking the character and what they look like at the end after that.

So, the culmination of all that is characters are only 'ready' in my mind when I've molded the conceptual clay of them into a desired shape and fired it in the kiln....and now I can take them out and drop them into any prompt or plotline and my ensuing thoughts will be of how they react and what those reactions set in motion.

If I take them out and drop them into a prompt or plotline and the ensuing thoughts are more concerned with adhering to that prompt/plot and I find myself thinking "if I made this tweak to this characteristic or aspect of their backstory, it would make it that much easier to get this plot moving in a particular direction" - that's when I know they're not quite ready yet and I'm still trying to kinda FORCE the character to be real in my head, I have a sense of them but I'm more just throwing them at the wall and hoping they stick to it in a way that makes them just CLICK for me and I can be like ohhhhh, THERE they are.

Anyway. Curious about other peoples' processes, or takes on prioritizing character vs plot, or if you have any tests or templates or rituals you apply to your characters or plots to see how viable they are for you or if you need to spend more time developing them before you can see them as clearly as you want.

[vvatchword]

I Feel Salty

When I don't feel terribly creative--and I haven't, lately--I work on the BioShock: Rapture journal.

Guys, why is this so fucking bad. It's forcing me to come up with words for why it's so bad. Like it's not just bad in terms of characterization or plot, it's conceptually bonkers.

First is the setup: a series of what are essentially short stories. They're barely connected to each other and are always summaries. It's like they're placeholders detailing where a dozen chapters of plot should go. Because they are summaries, there is absolutely no tension whatsoever. All the problems have essentially been solved--we've skipped past them to these little peaceful islands. Long story short: there is never any tension or excitement.

Second is the characterization. Absolutely wretched. I don't think John Shirley has ever met a human being in his life. Bit characters are cardboard cutouts. Major characters have no internal worlds worth speaking of. Why is Frank Fontaine grifting? Idk he just grifts. Why is Andrew Ryan doing what he does? idk he's just Andrew Ryan. And we shouldn't start on poor Bill McDonagh.

Speaking of McDonagh: the fucking dialogue. Either it's info-dumping or it's full of absurd words. Nobody is a person, everyone is a weird stereotype. I think Shirley was attempting camp but he managed to blow straight past that into the garbage. (I'm a little terrified of how he'll make the non-white characters speak lol)

Third is the fucking prose. Oh my fucking christ it's so embarrassing. Shirley does not trust you to be able to infer from his sentences, so he will explain himself at length, sometimes two or even three times over. Shirley is primarily a visual person; he can't conceptualize intangibles; he can't just discuss an idea. He is firmly rooted in terra firma. Every now and then he tries to be smart and utters complete nonsense.

Bill McDonagh was riding an elevator up to the top of the Andrew Ryan Arms—but he felt like he was sinking under the sea.

Fourth is the research. Shirley does not research big processes, but bit information, which is kind of a problem. He doesn't know how the US government could stop Andrew Ryan from shipping giant building parts out--or why they'd even care--but he'll spend time telling you about boxing in 1946.

Fifth is scene setups. So let me share with you a paragraph from my journal regarding Chapter 2:

Sullivan tries to shake a G-man, fails, and doesn’t care because it doesn’t matter. He shows up at a ship containing building materials for Rapture, meets Greavy, and they lecture each other back and forth about subjects they should already know to summarize a bunch of events we should have seen. As an afterthought, Sullivan tells Greavy he showed up in person to confirm the time the ship leaves instead of calling because the phones are probably tapped. Sullivan will leave before the ship leaves so he won’t actually know the time to confirm with his boss. This particular ship is one of multiple ships and represents only one of multiple shipments—there’s nothing remarkably special about it. They’re not in any danger in any way and there’s nothing the USA can do legally to stop them, a fact they confirm multiple times. End scene.

It's a nothingburger. Absolutely nothing happens in this that's worth writing about. The G-man can't do anything, the USA can't do anything, nobody's going to do anything. There's no tension. This scene solely exists for the sake of dumping exposition. We don't get to see the act of building the city itself.

I am definitely learning something from reading this book but mostly it's about what not to do, and I hate it. If I didn't want to keep it around for fanfiction purposes, I would throw it in a woodchipper.

[sercezgazety]

2, 9, 11, 16, 20 from this ask game

2. Is there any specific ritual you go through while/before/after your writing?

Honestly, no. There were some cases when I sat down and was able to write an entire fic in one night instead of sleeping just because it was from Lilith's point of view. And there were cases when I struggled with fics for months (just because they weren't from Lilith's pov, let's be honest). I write on the train, before giving a lecture, instead of working, or as a treat because I’m finished with my tasks. Two chapters of The Deal were written on my phone, and so was one chapter of Inhale, Hold, Exhale, because I was restless in a waiting room at a doctor’s. Eda’s entire testimony before the court in A Potter’s Field? Written on the phone during an awkward Christmas eve at the workplace and on my way back. But some other stories were written solely on the laptop during a deserved day off.

I guess there are two constants: 1. I start with collecting vocabulary and useful phrases that have the right vibe, I list them, and then I build the sentences and events around them (yeah, seriously); 2. when I’m near the finish line, I refuse to eat, sleep and whatnot until I reach the end of the story. That’s most often the moment when I finally know how the story’s supposed to end. Only after the last sentence, I fall asleep, sometimes still fully clothed.

Then comes the editing, though, which means the story usually gets twice as long in the process. But the frame, the, uh, skeleton is already there, so it’s much easier.

9. Do you ever have plans to write anything other than fic?

Papers. I have so many freaking papers to write and publish. I’m supposed to be writing one right now.

Back when I was younger, I actually believed I could be able to write a fantasy novel (then it turned into an SF one). I can’t, though. I don’t have enough ideas of my own. What I can do is deconstruct and play with the ideas of others.

11. Weirdest thing you’ve ever written/thought about writing/etc.?

Erm. Back when I was 14 and used to dwell in the cellars of FFN, there was this Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends fic of mine. In which Frankie was so fed up with Mr. Herriman, she murdered him with a chopper. Then, she served him for dinner. Yeah.

idk, man. I was going through a phase (she said, still going through the same phase)

16. Do you have structured ideas of how your story is supposed to go, or make it up as you write?

As per my answer to question #2, I have no idea what I’m doing. There are some very rare occasions when I know how I want the story to end (once again, The Deal), but then I have no idea how to reach that ending, so I work backwards. But mostly, I have snippets of dialogue, a word I want to use, a problem I want to make worse, and I build around that.

I know what’s going to happen in the next paragraph, but not the one after that. That’s why I never publish multi-chapter fics before having finished writing the fic's entirety. I might get stuck in the middle of nowhere (this happened with some of my Star Trek wips), I might change the character’s motivation by the end of the story, and then add or delete some scenes in the beginning. I might need to completely re-arrange the material. I don’t know how people who publish chapters while not having the entire work as a context do it  (I mean, they do it very well, it’s just something that sounds too difficult for me).

20. 4 sentences from your work that you’re proud of

[context: Philip opens Caleb’s coffin and sees the worms inside]

These things might have their purpose, but Philip doesn’t enjoy watching them crawl. Frankly, it’s quite disgusting, and even looking at them squirm makes him gag at times. There’s just something naturally repulsive about them being blind, trying to find their way in the ground by touch, wriggling and making little nauseating movements that cause the soil to collapse and bog. These parasites are equally horrid when they crawl out, finally ripe, or when they cower in the middle of the throne room, trying to repent not because their conscience tells them it’s necessary but solely because they’re frightened of the punishment they justly deserve.

[that’s from The Emperor’s Two Bodies; I don’t rememeber any other fic giving that much of a hard time]

[ssreeder]

I know people have sort of asked before about your chapter outlines. And I was wondering if you’d feel comfortable posting one? It would be cool to see how you take ideas and what actually comes from the process of writing out a story. Especially for chapters like the prison breakout where it’s such a sudden shift in the story and characters are talking for the first time together.

I’ve tried to write a few original stories over the years but have never gotten past the first few pages. I’m not sure if it’s just my brain or if there’s something new I could try out. I really like your writing, so I figured something you’re doing in the idea and planning stage might be helpful. I’ve always been more of an artist so poetry and writing imagery is easy for me while dialogue is more of a struggle. I’ve read before about how you write notes about character interaction when an idea pops in your head which was helpful for the dialogue issue I have. I wouldn’t have thought to take notes on things so small but it does really help ti at least keep track of how characters view each other and that sort of thing. This ask became way longer than I intended so whatever additional advice you can give is great.

Hello!! Sorry it’s taken me so long to answer, but I’d love to help if I can! I’m sorry I don’t have any outlines from LIAB (idk what happened to those - maybe in a drawer somewhere?) but I do have them from RIA & ITF

I can show you an example if you’d like!

So I do all my outlines hand written because it’s what I like and I can take it wherever and idk it’s just a nice change from the normal typing. So excuse my messy hand writing and I hope it’s legible! I also can have it open next to me while I am writing and cross things off idk something so satisfying about pen. Call me old school lol.

So this was the outline for chapter 3 of ITF - & idk if it helps, but my notes go in order (usually) and I go by -POV -

- under each POV I add the main points I want discussed or any other things I want accomplished I also usually add bits of dialogue & major events.

I sometimes add little things here as it comes to me or if I’m like OH SHIT THIS TOO & I just write it in- I list the POVS in order at the end of my outline and cross them out as I go.

If this doesn’t help or you want other examples I have many more just DM me and I’ll be more than happy to send them or help you out anyway I can :)

GOOD LUCK WRITING ID LOVE TO KNOW WHEN YOUR FIC IS POSTED!!! :):):):)

[hms-no-fun]

which character in godfeels (if any) do you see yourself in the most?

i mean. it's obviously june, right? i can't joke about or entertain anything else, much as the contrarian in me might like to. "actually you'll be surprised to learn that i am most reflected in my work by dave strider" seriously? no way. it's june.

june in godfeels 1 was me at the end of a long stretch of depressed years before i figured out i was trans. in gf2 she was me after my own coming out went poorly (albeit far less violently or explicitly transphobic than june’s). there are so many ways in which this story is autobiographical, it would honestly be embarrassing to list them all.

actually i don't think i quite understood just how much the overarching plot of godfeels has pulled from my life until writing this particular exchange:

that the writing process for the multi-stage boss battle ending in june's ego death happened to coincide with a catastrophic series of events in my own life is just one of those funny cosmic mysteries you gotta run with. it's impossible for me to deny the autobiographic element of this scene as i was literally saying this to myself, to my girlfriend, to my friends: this is not where our lives end. we're going to stay together.

the barrier between me and the narrative at that point was so narrow i couldn't help but look through it and see that june has always been way more of me than i realized. she is, maybe, someone i wish i could be in a strange way, or an imagined projection of who i am, with all the wounds i wish other people could see made literal. maybe she's an allegory for me, idk. i promise you i don't actually see her that way, none of this is anything i'm doing on purpose, it's just something that has proven true over and over again. june's story is about being punished by and for queerness, so naturally i'm gonna be drawing from my own experiences there.

i have a weird relationship to june, though. sometimes i feel like i don't understand her, which is probably for the best. that's what i like about her actually. writing her scenes in the [S], it felt SO good to finally be able to write in her blue again, in her quirk again, in her VOICE again. everything about that is so precious to me and writing it feels like i'm having a pleasant conversation with myself (even when the topic of the conversation is crippling ptsd flashbacks).

i often feel bad for making june suffer so much, especially at the end of 3.1. but as time has gone on, as much as i love her, i’ve found it increasingly difficult to relate to june’s methods of dealing with trauma (or rather, her lack of methods). the last year has knocked a lot of tears out of me, and as a result i’ve become even more calloused than i already was. june needed to be put through a real ringer, the aforementioned ego death, in part because i want to be done with all this fucking psychodrama for a while, but mostly because i want to move on from pained self-reflection towards a story about building a life back up from the rubble. stepping outside your own head, finding a community, building one, and really truly moving in a singular direction for reasons that are your own for maybe the first time in your life. that’s the story i’m living, after all. maybe it’s the story we’re all living these days.

so i guess that in itself is the ultimate statement of what june means to me, that i needed her life to mirror my own so that i could continue relating to her and telling her story. i see bits of myself in a lot of other characters (writing as dave is a lot of fun, we have a very similar sense of humor), but they’re separate from me in a way that june isn’t. when i write her, it’s like coming back home. i want her to grow and live and love and find something good that lasts, because i want that for myself. i have to believe it’s possible. i know it is.

[daantaat]

twu s2 thoughts even though nobody asked <3 just a brain dump and it’s quite long so I tried to separate my commentary by categories but it’s still a mess unfortunately. Spoilers under the cut!

General

Overall, I enjoyed season 1 more than season 2. I’ve watched season 2 three times now, and I do think it had some good parts that I definitely overlooked during my first watch (probably because I was preoccupied with Charlotte x Shona 😶😅). My initial reaction to this season was like ‘hmm so that happened and I’m not sure what to think’ but then I rewatched it and tbh I think my complaints are mostly to do with the time jump between seasons and the pacing...

Like yeah there’s only so much to touch on in six 25-minute episodes but!!! I finished the season wanting a bit more, because I thought that some of the things that were introduced were either not explained fully/well or they just dropped off completely and didn’t really have an effect other than me asking questions after the season was over, like it felt as though there were missing scenes— more on that later (though maybe they will be addressed in season 3??? If there is one? How soon do shows get renewed? Idk). Though I guess the audience does have to do some interpretation of their own but still... Idk! Idk. And the assumption that certain events/plot points mentioned in a character’s dialogue would be enough for context had me kinda “:///” y’know? Like don’t tell me, show me?? I’d like the full course please!!

Charlotte x Shona (+ Vish I guess)

I think it was really jarring to see their relationship grow from colleague/business partners to friends and then finally to something more in season 1 only to see them awkwardly handle their unresolved feelings in the workplace with nothing to show for their actual relationship besides a mention of “a week-long gay safari” + the brief flashes of a sex scene that was intermingled with Shona and Vish’s cyber sex session, which in itself is 😐😐😐 like yes it shows that Shona still thinks about/fancies Charlotte in some capacity, but if I were to choose between that sex fantasy/flashback or a flashback of Charlotte and Shona together (like Charlotte telling Shona she was falling for her!!!!)... I think I’d choose the latter? I was just disappointed that we didn’t really get to see Charlotte and Shona being all cute and romantic with each other this season :(

ALSO I wished we got to see more of jealous!Shona; I was super hyped to see that since that scene was included in the trailer. It was nice to see her want the best for Charlotte because she’s “great” but the jealousy part of knowing Charlotte is dating someone great got settled pretty quickly and instead we got Shona evaluating her commitment to Vish and considering the idea of having kids after learning she has a womb of a 39-year-old (😐) and it felt.... like a lot!! It was definitely different from season 1 Shona (”I actually don’t want kids” “I genuinely, I genuinely don’t, you know, it’s not a big deal. Just never have” in 1x04) but if this was to show her dealing with comphet or internalized homophobia or just simply running away from her feelings then... idk what to think of it! I really don’t. I think this is where things could have been written differently because using an affair with Charlotte like that (an affair that we didn’t even get to see besides the stolen kisses at the finance event) was so... ugh, I’m suffering here

Anyway, I think their office scenes were definitely highlights of the season, like Indira and Sharon really gave those scenes their all!! Even though it hurts to see Charlotte so heartbroken and Shona running away from her feelings and hurting Charlotte in the process, I live for the angst lol. I will say though, the 180 that happened after their convo outside Charlotte’s office was a bit “🤔” considering Charlotte had talked to her therapist about Shona for 4 months. Like one hungover feeling dump from Shona and they can move on? Hmm communication is connection, huh. And I guess they were just excited that the article got good results? But how cute that they got each other gifts of their picture in the article??? Wtffff I love my “unfunny and obvious” gal pals even though I’m in pain

As for the voice note... omg, so many questions. Like did Charlotte try to reach out to Shona after she abruptly ended their call to check if she sent the voice note to Vish?? Was that gonna be the first time Charlotte heard Shona say “I love you” to her? What was the reason Shona said “I love you” anyway??? Is she, you know 👀 Also do y’all think Vish will listen to the entire voice note since it was clear it was meant for Charlotte? And who knows maybe Vish’s phone died and he can’t turn it back on or check his WhatsApp or whatever. I’m in denial lmao. But also I think he's a pretty good guy, like when he sent biscuits over to the house when Shona wanted some and him saying what’s the point of having fun in New York when she's not there with him... :/ but he was also a bit weird about her putting a nail in a wall or leaving out the egg duck or whatever as a display item in their house though I suppose that’s not a huge problem so like idk man idk!!! I'm just saying season 3 better not have a time jump I need to see what happens and not just in exposition

Shona and Aine

Love them :) I wish they had more scenes together (if that's possible??) but I liked the somewhat change in dynamic seeing Aine a bit worried about Shona (asking her if she’s okay when she mentions she’s thinking of getting a fringe lmao and again asking if she’s okay when they’re unpacking in Vish’s house). And of course Shona is still very protective and worrisome but seeing Aine just miserably lounging around her apartment over the weekend and getting in her bike accident after Shona wasn’t too supportive of her and James’s business idea made me so sad :( like Shona was so shitty about her not typing up everything in the notes for the meeting! And not even reading James's CV... big yikes. Anyway I thought it was odd that we didn’t get a follow up on the voice note Aine left Shona after getting into the bike accident... like she sounded soooo shaky and out of it :((( what luck Shona was sick and didn’t see Aine with a missing tooth before she got it fixed

Anyhow, Aine was right when she said Shona needs to talk to her and talk about her feelings more!! AND this is part of where my complaint about the pacing and the missing scenes comes into play! I think we should have seen Aine and Shona fighting about Shona’s affair and leaving Vish the voice note. The audience knows Aine cares about Vish and I’m not entirely sure where her relationship with Charlotte stands since Charlotte told Freddie about her being in rehab (on the assumption that he knew, as Aine’s ex-boyfriend) but!!! Just cutting to them on the floor waiting for Vish’s flight to land was not as hard hitting as it could have been

Aine x Bradley (+ Richard)

OKAYYY. Cute!!! I definitely overlooked the signs during my first watch here but yeah they were definitely there during my rewatch(es)!! I quite liked seeing Bradley try to get Aine to stop talking negatively about herself and just try to treat herself better in general like exercising and actually eating off of a plate :’) and the comparisons between Bradley and Richard have me like 👀📝 Bradley saying he likes how much Aine talks vs. Richard’s friend Mark saying she talks a lot and how he wasn’t expecting a whole show to which Richard replies he thought that at first too but she “calms down” like brooo... alright. Anyway Bradley going with her to Tom’s funeral/service made sense since he actually met Tom (though Aine did vaguely talk about him and his drinking problem to Richard in 1x05) and the fact that she told Bradley about PACT and her time there but she didn’t tell Richard (to be fair she was thinking about telling him) hmm 👀 Also Bradley saying “Sometimes it would just be nice to be with someone you could just relax with as yourself” yeah I’m on board with them

Loneliness, COVID, Communication is Connection

Initially I thought these themes could have come across a little stronger but after rewatching... hmm. Yes, Shona was lonely in the house by herself; she even asked Anil to stay for dinner, had her own “pile of shit” boyfriend on her bed (which she did clear off), and told Vish that nobody had time for her. Also after the business meeting she asked Aine what she was doing during the weekend (which Aine also spent alone anyway), but I dunno... oh yeah her hen/bachelorette party was a bit lonely since places were starting to go into lockdown and not everybody could attend, but I think the COVID element entered a bit too late into this season? I’m not sure it really added much in terms of the loneliness. Maybe it did add to the uncertainty of things though

“Communication is Connection” was there but I thought it kind of fell flat as well, but maybe that was the intention— to highlight the mess that a lack of communication can cause? Shona apparently writing off Charlotte’s feelings and them not necessarily talking about their relationship/feelings until their convo outside Charlotte’s office... Shona talking to Seema saying she’s never really asked what Vish wanted (regarding kids) and Seema saying that’s a convo for her and Vish to have... Aine not telling Richard she overheard him and Mark talking about her... Richard not consulting Aine about telling Etienne about them and just getting a new tutor for him... hmm. What does it mean. What does it all mean

Other stuff I’m still thinking about/have questions about

Shona mentioning it’s “annoying” how Aine talks like she’s the only person to ever get sad in episode 1 but still telling Aine she’s fine and then in episode 6 Shona saying she only has two emotions or whatever so she doesn’t need to talk to Aine about her feelings as much -____- istg we need to get Shona to talk to a therapist in season 3!!!

I also liked that Shona, Aine, and Eileen talked more. I’m still a little disappointed that the fact Eileen leaving Shona for three months when she was a baby was not mentioned at all. Yeah it was a secret but when Eileen said “well, you should never lie. You’ll always get caught out.” I— HELLO? If anything, that secret seeing daylight could have had something to do with Shona's sadness + loneliness this season. Also could you imagine that becoming a fear of Shona’s, like what if she doesn’t want kids because she’s afraid of doing the same thing to hers if she has any??

Jim asking Charlotte if she’s straight and Shona immediately going “what does that have to do with anything” or something like that and apologizing to Charlotte after Jim left— I’m not sure how I should have read that??? Did Shona mention to Jim that Charlotte is a lesbian?? When he started to ask, he was still looking at Shona (yeah I’m reading too much into this I know)

Marcia figuring out that Aine and Richard were seeing each other (after he touched her hand on his way out to get a taxi)— what was the purpose? Other than Marcia obviously feeling bad for Etienne, whom I assume she sees as a son of her own (based on the Mom Instinct™ snooping when she was doing housekeeping + her convo with Aine when he came back from France). She didn’t talk to either Aine or Richard about it, just told Aine to have a good time when they were leaving the house to go to their “separate” events. I guess it wasn't her place to say anything, but hm. Speaking of Etienne, it was obvious he had a schoolboy crush on Aine (or at least he was vying for her attention) in season 1 and it’s really too bad we didn’t get to see his reaction to suddenly getting a new tutor or dealing with Aine and Richard’s relationship other than him looking at them hugging while the new tutor was teaching him. He deserved some more screen time this season :(

Hmm so that was all very incoherent but if you made it this far thank youuu <3 here are some last silly comments:

Absolutely loved Julie!! I want to know what she knows about Charlotte and Shona 👀 girl give me the scoop on the last 4 months at the office

Super sad we didn’t get to see Charlotte’s cat (I’m always gonna be vocal about this 🗣🗣🗣) or know who her new girlfriend was but at the very least we were introduced to one of the most important side characters of all: Charlotte’s stompy boots <33333 she really wore those around the office with a blazer/blouse/leather skirt! We love that lesbian attire

[anxietysroomsupport]

Hypermobile anon here. First, thank you so much. It's just nice to know there's someone here for me. And to give a little more info, I have a serious problem where if I'm not currently in pain. I don't remember how bad it was. I know everybody does this, but my brain literally checked out as I was going to bed recently and I fell on the floor. I nearly forgot to tell my physical therapist.about it because it didn't really hurt. So, I can't do the pain scale very well, and I never remember (1/2)

(2/2) It just makes it sort of hard for pain relief when I don't know I'm going to need it and don't have the energy when I do. Also, on the vitamin subject, I know that I've had vitamin d issues before (bad heat exhaustion and allergy scares = going outside less), bad enough that I was close to being diagnosed with hypothyroidism. I'm not sure about the others, but I do know I'm not amazing healthy, so? I take calcium pills for the vitamin d, though. Again, thank you guys for all your help.

.

We just got a bill from my PT place that says we owe money that we can't pay. They told us up front how much it would be with our insurance, and my mom's been paying each time, but it says we owe 177 dollars. Sure, it's not a lot, but we're not rich and trying to send a sibling to college. If we can't get this sorted out. I can't just not go. 10 exercises I can do at home and 5 appointments is not enough to help a chronic disorder. I cant focus and I have practice in 30 mins. -Hypermobility anon

Same day but later when I'm feeling a little better (my director was very supportive though so that's nice), I'd seen the letter and heard my parents talking a bit, but my mom told be as we got to school for rehearsal about PT. I got upset, and I felt bad because I could tell she felt bad because she didn't expect me to be upset, and in the heat of the moment I said "chronic illness" in front of my mom for the first time. She loudly (not quite yelling) (1/?) - Hypermobility anon

said to me "That is the most self-pitying thing I've ever heard. Chronic illnesses are like cancer". Sure, I probably should've said disorder and not illness, but I'm scientifically right. Then I said "It is, it's chronic pain, I am always in pain" and she said "Well then clearly PT isn't helping anyway" - I??? When I went in after 15 minutes after another girl, since we were both there for an hour and a half, I decided to stop trying too much to hide my crying (useful masks) (2/?) -HSD anon

since the other girl was in the hall to eat, and when I managed to explain to the director, she was understanding and nice, and when I said chronic, she said that I should never have to live with that, especially at my age. And when I mentioned not being able to sing at that moment from my crying, she pointed out how I was singing an empowering song that was about standing against the bad stuff in life, and I was perfect for it. I know my mom was just mad, but it just drained me.

Sorry I keep sending asks so often, I just feel like telling someone this. I decided to put 'zebra' in my bio. It's a thing that people with EDS and HSD sometimes like to call themselves. I like it, so even though I just have my name and pronouns, plus a random joke, in my bio, I added it. It just feels like a step in the right direction to remembering that I don't need google to tell me I'm dealing with this every 5 minutes. Accepting it, I guess. :) -HSD anon

.

My sleep schedule just keeps getting worse and I think it's my ADHD combined busy days and pain but I just never want to sleep anymore. I can't, I don't want to, and it hurts physically and mentally to just lie there and see if I can fall asleep. 80% sure my circadian rhythm changed to sleep at about 2 am but I get up at 7 and have a chronic disorder that's getting worse because of this I *need sleep*. And I'm so scared I'll mess up, want to make a side blog for it but want to make one (1/2)

for something happy first because I always figured that if I had side blogs they would be ask blogs or for fandoms or whatever. But I got a little better at not caring what other people think, so I haven't really needed one for fandom. But I looked through the tag and felt so comforted by some of the stuff that I just think it would help me. Maybe I'm just extra bad tonight because I went outside but also talked about it a fair amount with a friend I hadn't seen recently who didn't know. -HSD

.

I wanna talk to my physical therapist about hip braces because I tried a knee one we have and it honestly helps, but my hips are worst so I wanna see if it would help, but they're pretty expensive. It's hard to find dual hip braces, from what I've seen in my research, and even though one more than the other, both cause me issues. Idk, I'm conflicted, because it could help but is it worth all the effort? Also, even if it's under clothing it's still physical evidence (1/2) -HSD anon

(2/2) of my "invisible" disorder. Also, stopping exercises for a few days because of not feeling well from my covid shot reminded me of just how much time I spend on them, so it's another thing to deal with this. . . Idk, sometimes I just wonder if it would be better to just deal with it. I still have pain anyway, though it might be a little better. Less often, maybe? I don't really remember. It's not stressing at the front of my mind all the time, but the back of it. I'm just conflicted. -HSD

.

HSD anon here, idk if I mentioned it in an ask already, but recently I had a small breakdown because I was watching something where a character was in a car accident, as was trying to push through having trouble walking even with a hip brace. After a minute, I registered it and just thought "That could be my future". My joints had already been acting up and then they got worse, so I don't know if it was cause and effect? But I don't exactly know what to call it other than a trigger. (1/2)

Physical and emotional effect, at least I'm assuming on physical because I've had a bad reaction to something similar before, but like, I don't have trauma, I think it's more fear of the future. And I don't want to use trigger incorrectly, it's insensitive to those who actually have triggers. I'm just so confused.

Forgot to sign the last ask with 2/2 and HSD, whoops.

.

Hfnsiwk I'm not ready to walk into PT tomorrow and say that I don't think months of PT have been helping but I have no way to be completely sure because for all I know it's the weather since this is the first year I've known/it's been noticeable. Maybe it's just change, I don't know, but it just feels like such a waste of time if it really didn't help. Plus, I'd stop, and while that'd be great, I do enjoy being stronger, even if it didn't help pain. I have 12 hours and a bad pain day idek. -HSD

.

Hi Hypermobility Anon,

I think I found all your asks and got them in the correct order.  And found your last ask!

I’m so glad you kept writing in.  I think you should go ahead and make your side blog - you definitely have enough material for it.  Wanting to make a happy side blog also is a great goal to have, but if you don’t know what it will be yet, don’t let that prevent you from doing something you know you want to do and that will probably help you.  

You are dealing with So. Much.  Your mom especially sounds like she just is not ready to accept the situation.  It’s not self-pity to state your actual conditions.  It’s just reality.  

Forgetting about pain is normal, and really all you can do is try to write it down or make some kind of note about it in the moment or immediately after, so you can refer to it later.  Maybe you can track your pain events in your phone notes.

I think your idea to add “zebra” to your bio is a good one, this is part of your life and just something you have to deal with.  It sounds like you’re finding a community for this.  

Sleep schedules are tricky, and feeling like you desperately need to sleep can make it so stressful that it starts a vicious little cycle.  Some strategies to get around this are First, remember that just resting is okay and helpful too, even if you don’t fall asleep.  Letting your body lay there to rest is good for you.  

Second, if you’ve spent several minutes laying down without falling asleep, its okay to get up and walk around, or any small light exercise that’s comfortable for you.  The goal with this one is to get out of the bed for a bit.  It will help your brain to re-learn that the bed is for sleeping only, not for laying awake.  That association can help signal to your brain to start its sleep-process when you get into bed at night.

Third, it’s really common to have a changing circadian rhythm during your teens and twenties.  That’s just a thing that happens and you can’t do much about it, so just try not to worry too much.  Sleep when it feels right and when you can, instead of trying to force yourself to sleep when you’re “supposed” to.  

If hip braces would help you, you should definitely at least mention it to your physical therapist.  You might research online for any used ones as well.  A physical sign that you have pain can have good and bad consequences, but I think the good consequence of being in less pain far outweighs any others.

The triggering event you described is not so much a trigger as it is just a genuinely really upsetting situation.  You related really strongly to the character you were watching, because they’re dealing with similar problems to you, and to problems you could have in the future.  It’s a lot to process.  But while you could potentially be in a car accident, remember that television is made to dramatize events and probably made it seem a lot more difficult and scary than it really would be.   

Since we know you sometimes forget your pain, it’s safe to say that the exercises are helping you manage it, and you say that they’ve made you stronger in general.  Those are good things, and I would recommend you continue the exercises you can do on your own even if you end of ending  your physical therapy sessions.  We don’t know yet if your pain might have gotten even worse without therapy.  You’ll have to find that out on your own if you stop exercising, and then decide whether it’s more worth it to you to continue exercising or to live with the pain.  Whichever you choose, it’s Your choice, Your body.  Take care of yourself. <3

-bun

[thecyphersystem]

hi do you have any advice on figuring out if ur a system? how to begin communication? bc I’m trying to type notes and such to them and talk in my head but get no responses.. I made a server to speak in too.. I’m also not sure if I’m experiencing amnesia or not.. bc idk if it’s normal to feel like each day before you is non existent and never rlly happened, looking back on time in ur head and just seeing black.. just remembering parts and with no feelings attached? what are some signs that you should suspect u have osdd? some reasons u should suspect it.. is it just silly of me to suspect it? how to tell if something is a fictive, Delusion, or kin? recently during a traumatic event I started “kinning” this character where I would say “I’m them I’m literally them 100%” and felt like That Was Me even though we have nothing in common... what if that’s actually a fictive and not a kin? and sometimes I would just feel like a completely different person which was sometimes affiliated with a character? like my thoughts and behavior would unconsciously change ... but during that I still said “yeah I must be (birth name) bc who else cld I be?” bc I don’t know any other names.. so idk if that rlly someone co fronting or if I was someone else completely and just didn’t know it? I also dissociate and at a very young age I remember a traumatic memory .. although I feel detached from it and no emotions towards it... plus my gender, sexuality, ways I want to look are constantly changing and it’s so confusing.. I just want to figure things out and learn the name and identity of an alter at least but there is no communication at all and Idk if they even exist .. oh and how does someone differentiate between if they’re experiencing intrusive thoughts, normal internal monologue, or an alter is speaking? how to visit inner world? I look inside my mind and just see black or blank empty white space 🧍‍♀���

When you start to figure it out your brain kind of shuts the information out, the disorder is meant to be hidden, you shouldn't know so you'll go into denial (completely normal, everyone does it even diagnosed systems).

Communication is different in most systems. I was quite lucky and had been hearing my system and talking to them for years without realizing they were a system. Some systems don't communicate much if at all. We think one of the most important tactics you can learn as a person living with DID or OSDD is journaling. Although it may seem like a relatively easy concept, many people take journaling for granted amidst the other options to manage the condition, such as meditation and exercise. Journaling is an important tactic for those living with DID because there is constantly an internal dialogue happening. I know that in my daily life it can be hard to keep track of what everyone is saying. Journaling streamlines the listening process by allowing each alter to take a turn writing out feelings, wants, and needs. From there, I can reflect on everything I’ve written, and gain a greater understanding of what has to be done to take care of my alters. (We can make a longer post of tips and things if you'd like, we'll also do one on forming relationships with alters)

Introjects are alters that are based on outside people or characters. Fictional introjects specifically are based on fictional characters. These characters can be from television shows, movies, books, fantasy, and other forms of fiction. Fictive alters in DID form to serve a purpose. While that purpose is not always known, it is possible that the DID system needed the qualities of that fictional character and internalized them to form the fictional introject in response to trauma. Fictives can also form to disrupt the system. While fictions often form in childhood, people with DID can form new alters at any time, especially in response to recent trauma.

Because of dissociation we often switch and don't realize until someone points it out even if we know we've switched it takes us a little while to figure out who fronting.

Hearing voices, sometimes known as auditory hallucinations, and having DID does not mean one is psychotic or delusional. Hearing voices is actually common with the disorder, but it is also a complicated topic for which a one-size-fits-all answer does not work. However, we can still understand the phenomenon of hearing voices when we examine how our alters influence us.

[yoursummerfrost]

Would you be willing to talk about your writing process? How many drafts you go through, how early on you run something by a beta, do you outline or not, etc.? I'm really curious to get a feel for how folks write!

Sure!! Not sure how coherent this will be but let's see lol. Also you'll notice that certain pieces vary a lot. Writing process under the cut! 

Getting an idea: Most of the time, I get my fic ideas from either songs or random conversations with friends, and they're typically a sort of precipitating event or premise that leads to a character exploration. (Examples: What if Geralt was a ghost haunting Jaskier's house? What if Dan actually stayed for that drink Lucifer offered him?) But sometimes I look for a plot on purpose (e.g., I had been DYING to write a time loop for literal years before I finally worked out how I wanted it to look by brainstorming ways to subvert the conventions w/in the trope). 

It's hard to like, delineate this tho because in reality it's sort of messy and mushed bc of how my brain works. Like, the truer to life approximation of deciding to write and yet so far from death was more like: receiving comfort as the reminder you are lacking it -> ooh ghost love story as ultimate yearning -> who would be more fun to write as a ghost? -> Jaskier as ghost = inversion of dynamic / Geralt as ghost = extension of dynamic -> Geralt as ghost sounds fun -> why would Jaskier be stuck in a house with a ghost? -> he's retiring from a life on the road -> what Jaskier is lacking is permanence/stability -> ghost story as paradox of permanence and impermanence -> okay but on the plot level what would happen if Geralt was haunting Jaskier's house?

Outlining: I usually start writing without formalizing an outline, just to get a feel for the story itself, but I tend to have an idea for the major beats/the thesis statement living amorphously in my brain. Then partway thru the fic I type out an actual outline tracking major occurrences and functions of scenes; occasionally I'll write a whole fic without an outline tho, especially if it's shorter (<16k).

Drafting/Editing: I do somewhere between 1.5 and 2 drafts, depending on how you define a distinct draft ig? I've never completely rewritten a whole story like some schools of writing suggest, but I will definitely go back and make edits. I usually self-edit as I go and then do a full re-read/edit at the end of draft completion. For the as-you-go stuff, I typically re-read everything I wrote the day before which helps both 1) get me into the mood for writing again and 2) make any small tweaks etc + catch typos. When I do the big edit at the end, I try to change something about how I physically read the draft (e.g. read on computer instead of phone, change the font) which helps shake up my brain I guess?

Betaing: I am deeply spoiled by my friends and endlessly grateful for them, lol. At minimum, I like having someone I can excitedly flail about my ideas with while I'm writing (usually multiple someones) and talk through stuff that might be stumping me (e.g. idk if it would be funnier if X or Y happened, hey do you think vampires can feel the cold), and then someone--often the same person but not always--do a full read-through after the fic is done. A lot of times, especially for longer stuff or when I'm feeling down on myself, I'll ask someone to beta and/or cheerread along with me while I write. And I bug them with lots of questions like "Is this landing for you? Do I need to slow down the dialogue here? Am I funny even a little bit?" and they offer feedback and/or encouragement. But also sometimes I get impatient and/or cannot tolerate concrit so I just fling it into the void without beta lol

Other stuff: it's also worth noting that I daydream about my projects constantly? Showering/laying in bed before or after sleep/driving places is all prime fic plotting time. If I'm listening to music, whatever song I'm listening to will probably become related to a fic. This isn't like, a conscious ~dedication~ thing: it's pure, unadulterated neurodivergent hyperfixation. Also, I rarely read other people's fic if I'm writing any of my own, bc for me the writing and reading circuits are quite different, but I re-read/re-watch the source material a lot.

I do also re-read my own fic a decent amount, partly because I genuinely enjoy my own writing and partly because I like noticing my own trends/recurring themes/etc which is easier to do if you take in your work later, at more of a distance. Reading people’s comments about what they enjoyed is also helpful, because it gives me a sense of what things land and what things don’t (or don’t get commented on as being a stand-out, at least). I don’t enjoy getting concrit outside of beta I’ve specifically asked for, but I very much enjoy hearing what people did like so I can do more of it.

Titling/Summaries: Usually I come up with a title partway through writing based on a song I've found to take inspiration from. I get really excited when I find a title, lol. I hate summaries very much except for when I love them? I semi-recently converted to the school of using a snappy quote from the fic to make the summary, which makes my job easier lol. I usually like picking quotes that are 1) relatively brief, 2) encapsulate the tone of the fic, and 3) not huge spoilers. Sometimes I'll write a line and go, "yup, that's gonna be the summary," which is fun.

[wendibird]

SPN 15X17 Observations

Well, watching this week went pretty smoothly (and I was actually able to get my little bluetooth keyboard thing to talk to my tablet so I was able to watch on my big TV screen and type up notes fairly easily. :) 

And just to clarify, sometimes my notes as I took them were VERY brief, and in some cases I’ve gone back and added in a few details or explanations to make clear what I meant by what at the time. 

I’ve also come to the conclusion that I don’t always remember to take notes, especially if Important Things are happening. (Do people even like the notes section? Or would you just prefer reading my odd takes on everything after the fact?) 

Anyway, here’s what I have for 15X17 “Unity”. Well, I do have more thoughts drifting around, but I’m always concerned that I’m going on too long as it is. *LOL*  (Under the cut for length and spoiler aversion)

Okay, going in I’ve heard rumors that this is a “Sam Heavy” episode, so we’ll see. *fingers crossed* 

- wow, is Chuck starting in on this world already?

- Silent treatment.

- I wonder if she’s guessed.

- fuck you Dean!

(but I’m not surprised. it just confirms what I’d already suspected about how Dean really feels about Jack.)

Commercial Thoughts:

Yeah, so, I’m firmly in Sam and Cas’ camp here. Jack may not be family to Dean, but he is to them. He’s their Son. 

I also think that though he hasn’t talked about it, Sam regrets his part in the Drama Coffin plan involving Jack last season. Think it’s one of those cases where he realized too late he was on the wrong side, and he doesn’t want to be there again.

As for Dean… I get that he wants to see the people he cares most about make it out of this. (Sam and Cas.) And I get he’s doing the tunnel vision thing. I think he knows that Sam’s right but he won’t let himself admit it.

- Wow….. The fanangels are kinda creepy.

- They’ve lost all their nuance with Chuck. Or my theory is right and Chuck has actually shifted darkside.

- Oh wow…. Amara is really going to bat here.

Commercial Thoughts:

Still not sure how much she’s (Amara) really guessed. She’s acting as though the whole “trapping him” idea is still a go, but what she’d said to Dean, as pointedly as she did, it seemed like maybe she suspected what was really going on and was still trying to give him the option to go a different way.

And even if this is Chuck having shifted dark, it could still be written with more nuance than this crappy villain schtick.

I mean, even in S11 when he’s all but given up on humanity and existence and was going to let Amara win, it was written with there being a depth to him about it.

- Don’t know if Dean’s trying to convince himself that he doesn’t care as deeply to make this easier or what.

- HOw is ADAM still alive?! And she’s an angel?

- Interesting behavior for an angel. *LOL*

- “Then he moved on to our sons.” Hints of Cain and Abel?

- Okay, so the angel kept him alive. (Sure, I can buy that.) 

- Pretty Crystals!

- He’s (Dean) heard those lines before. And Dean’s feeling uneasy about it.

- Amethyst! (Sorry, always had a thing for Amethyst and it’s my birthstone)

- (oh, okay, all of them)

- Ewww….. Open heart surgery

- Rib!

- Dean doesn’t like being rail-roaded.

- Talk time.

- I don’t like this…… (Jack using the rib and starting the suicide-bomb process.) 

Commercial Thoughts:

Okay, so, what Dean said, I’m glad he said it. And I have been getting hints of that feeling from him the whole season, about feeling disconnected because of what they found out about Chuck and their lives. I just… I still think he’s willfully blinding himself to what’s really going on. That even this version of “Free Will” is a script that he’s following. (Well, I think he’s starting to have misgivings about that.)

- Uh-oh! Ideas! 

- I love two researching nerds!

- Were we supposed to understand the Latin? *LOL* I caught “Mortem” in there a few times.

- Yey door!

- “your internal compass is functioning perfectly”

- I LOVE THEM SO MUCH!!!

- Who dat?

- Dead someone or other

- W section.

- Reapers maybe?

- Who’s thinning the ranks?

- Empty!Meg!

- Sam is good! (At bluffing the hell out of an ancient cosmic being.) 

- IT’S A LITTLE LATE TO STOP IT!!!!

Commercial Thoughts:

*FREAKING OUT!!!*

Jack already started it! OG!Adam said that once started the reaction couldn’t be stopped.

Okay, deeper thoughts. Everyone’s playing chess. Still. The game is just bigger.

OG!Adam wants God dead because of stuff that happened. And Billy is following his plan? (Did I get that right?) The plan will make Billy the next God. (Not surprised there honestly.) Her world will be a lot more “orderly” no doubt.

The Empty just wants to sleep. (Honestly, can relate.) 

But everyone’s just using them all as gamepieces again. Dean’s getting that feel from things OG!Adam and Whatserfaceangel said. Sam knows now too. They’re still stuck in someone else’s story. They’re still not gaining true “Free Will”. I’m hoping that the route they take will actually get them off this train track.

- DUDE - WHAT (was in reference to Dean pulling a gun on Sam)

- Go Sam! He’s not letting this one go. (Referring to my feelings on Sam feeling bad about Jack and the Drama Coffin thing from way before, and him NOT settling for Dean’s plan this time, him sticking to his guns and saying what he feels and taking action.) 

- Chuck played her (Amara) too.

- Not again! (Oh Jack, will this forever be your fate?)

- FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!

Holy shit! That episode!

Okay, it actually did a good job of wrapping up a lot of ideas. Like, big-picture ideas that have been themes throughout the run of the show. 

Also, apparently this was the only world where Cas and the Winchesters broke the mold? Didn’t play by their roles?

Also, minor point but it made me happy: Chuck pointed out how it’s Sam who needed to find things out. Sam who kept digging. I made mention of it last episode how Billy kept going to Dean, because he was easier for her to manipulate. But Sam asks more questions. I think part of it is what Cas said about his internal compass. I think another part is his experiences. He’s been the brunt of the cosmic plot-lines a LOT of the time. So he does keep asking questions because of all the times he hadn’t and things went badly. (Like end of S4 with killing Lilith.) 

And let me be clear, it’s not that I think Dean is dumb. He isn’t. And he and Sam both make decisions a lot based on their feelings. (Sometimes it’s all you have to go on.) But he’s shown a tendency in the past several years especially to be more likely to make them based on anger. And he doesn’t get called on it often. And I don’t know if this is TOO meta (is that even a thing with this show anymore? *LMAO*) but I feel like part of that is written into the script. Of their world. Even when Dean’s wrong he’s often proven “right” by the narrative. He very rarely is made to face up to his mistakes. (Not saying he never is. But it definitely doesn’t seem to happen as often.) And I’m wondering, is that because up till now, he was Chuck’s favorite? We saw that Chuck can manipulate a LOT of things. And events, and even some people. 

How often have we noticed and commented on how the Narrative backs Dean up so much of the time, even when he might be in the wrong? Or even just questionable? Or morally grey? How much of that is possibly now supposed to be due to Chuck’s meddling? Because I’ve also seen it mentioned (and have also noticed) that although Sam winds up the “wrong one” a lot via the narrative, he’s actually HAD to learn and grow because of that. But because Dean is rarely shown as wrong, he hasn’t had to, and his character has stagnated a lot in the last several seasons. Of course, in reality, that’s due to the writing/show-running/powers-that-be making those decisions, but in-show could it possibly be something to do with Chuck? Maybe at first because he liked Dean more? But as time grew on, and he kept trying to set up his Cain and Abel plot with them, maybe it was to reinforce Dean’s self-image that he’s Right? 

And also by contrast, we had the end of last season where so many of Sam’s decisions which had been made with best intentions and best information/resources at the time wound up blowing-up in his face. As if to say "Ha-HAH! That's what you get for thinking you could lead people! That's what you get for thinking you could save Jack! That's what you get for thinking someone like Nick could be redeemed! That's what you get for talking your brother out of the Drama-Coffin plan!" It felt like it was specifically intended to make him severely doubt his own judgement. And it worked. After all that shit went down, one thing after another, culminating with their mother's death, he didn't trust himself. He didn't believe in himself. So he put all his trust in Dean. And Dean was full of RAGE. (I don't blame him. His Mom has been a keystone of his life, even when she wasn't there.) But Sam didn't give the objections he normally would have to Dean's plan to box-up Jack. Even though it was CLEAR how much he didn't like it. How wrong it felt to him.

Basically, what I’m trying to say is, I think Chuck has been nudging and manipulating a LOT of things in order to get the Winchesters to behave how he wants them to. 

IDK. My head is hurting from some of these meta thoughts. *LOL*

SO! Back to what happened in the actual episode.

I thought the format was interesting, focusing in on the different POV characters for their spans of the story until it all came together. (Wondering if this is going to continue into the next episode…) 

I liked that we got a lot of reveals about what is (possibly) really going on, in regards to the grand schemas. Because there are several at play here. But now we're at least getting glimpses of them. 

Even though we didn't see Billy, I thought the reveal about her plans were interesting, but definitely fit with her character as established so far. I know a lot of people are saying she's gotten drunk with her power or she's "turning evil" but I don't think that's the case. It's true that she hasn't told them everything about her plans, but that's because she's also using them as pieces in her game. But her goal is the same as it's always been since we first met her. She has ALWAYS been about the Natural Order. She never liked how the Winchesters (or anyone else) flaunted death again and again. So once she's in charge? Everyone and everything goes where they belong. The demons stay in hell, the angels stay in heaven, souls go where they're meant to, people from other universes go back (even if there's no universe to go back TO. Tough shit, they'd be dead anyway according to her) and those who have already died and been resurrected? They go back to wherever they should be. (At least, I THINK that was the implication made, with Sam asking Dean if he'd be willing to trade HIM to take-out Chuck. Sam was definitely realizing a LOT when Empty!Meg told him what Billy's plan was.) 

This isn't her turning Evil like has been done with Chuck. It's more, her becoming a more extreme version of what she already was. When she got her promotion, she found out a LOT more things. Including this option of events for taking Chuck out and putting things back to how they belong. And it even started with Dean's aborted Drama Coffin plan. Which eventually fails, because Sam, but it then leads to Jack sacrificing his soul to take out AU Michael, which eventually leads to Mary's Death and Chuck's opportunity to manipulate things more and so on and so forth until we wind up here. 

(Also, just wanna say, absolutely LOVED Rachel as the Empty again!) 

And also, having just watched that scene again, can I just say again how awesome Sam is? He straight-up told the Empty that even if he WAS lying, their best bet is to let him go with the book. And it couldn't really argue with that because he was right! (Well, if it had killed him then and there, Dean probably wouldn't have known right away and probably would have been able to carry out the plan. So there is that. Buuuuut none of them knew that either at the time.) 

And in general, I love how Sam just would NOT give up. This is the Sam Winchester I've come to love. He could feel in his bones that this plan was wrong so he was doing everything he could to not only stop it, but to find some other way to get what they truly wanted. 

I also loved his and Cas' interactions. They were supportive of each other and both were trying to find a way to save their son. (Dean has officially forfeited his Dad-Card in my book. Hell, in his book too.) Also, I remember hearing someone from production, or who was maybe on set or something mentioning something about the Holy Grail in this episode? Well, in that scene where Sam and Cas are looking through those old crates and trunks and boxes, when Cas finds the key Sam is holding this really old looking chalice. Wonder if that's supposed to be what that is. *LOL* I mean, the Spear of Destiny (or at least, the head of the spear) was there in the Bunker, so why not I guess? *LOL*

We didn't get a lot of Sam and Jack interaction, but I liked what little we had. Sam made it clear to Jack that he wants to save him. (I'm really hoping we get SOMETHING more of them in the next episode or two but... yeah. Not a lot of time left.) 

I could go on for some length about my feelings on Dean and how he's been this season. But I don't want this to turn into a fully anti-Dean rant. I will say though that I'd definitely gotten the impression before this that Dean has different categories of people he cares about, and in his mind, he also has them ranked according to how expendable they are. And I'm not just talking about Jack here, though he is a major part of it. But at the end of the episode when he and Sam are having it out, Dean says he's basically willing to sacrifice EVERYONE to get what he wants. 

(I don't think he's actually willing to sacrifice Sam for it though. And yes, I know, he was waving a gun in Sam's face. But I don't believe for a moment he had any intention of killing his brother. Not when Sam asking point blanc if Dean is willing to trade him for killing Chuck, and that seems to be what causes Dean to start listening to what Sam's saying. Also, in the past, Dean hasn't been above threatening people to get what he wants. Like with Kaia. Also in S8's "Trail and Error" when he and Sam were talking about taking out the hellhound, Dean pretty much said if Sam even tries to get close to it, Dean would shoot him in the leg. Now, we never got to see if he actually would have or not, but regardless, it was a case of Dean being willing to hurt Sam a little in order to protect him from something he saw as a bigger threat. In that case it had been taking on the trials. In this case, it would have been to win their shot at freedom. At least in Dean's mind. Not saying I approve! Just, I think that's where his mindset was.) 

And this is a far cry from the Dean who, just a few years ago was willing to be a kamikaze bomb in order to save the world. And yes, Dean has mentioned "Saving the world" this season too. And I'm sure he means that too. But when he was at his most emotional, what he was talking about wasn't saving the world and everyone in it. It was freeing him and Sam from being Chuck's entertainment. And he's willing to sacrifice nearly anyone to accomplish that. At least, he was up til now. I hope that they're going to give him a change of heart before the end because I really REALLY would like the show to end with me not despising Dean and what he's become. Yes, I'm a Sam-girl, but I do care about Dean too. 

Also, I feel bad for Amara and what wound up happening with her. Like many other characters, she fell victim to Chuck's manipulations, and now I'm guessing he's even stronger than before. But also, Chuck wasn't the only one manipulating her. And maybe if they, (Dean especially, since she had a soft-spot for him) had actually been trying to find another way earlier, she wouldn't have fallen to despair when finding out the truth. 

Aaaaaanyway, I think I've rambled enough about this episode as it is. Thank you to whoever actually bothers to read all of this. *LOL*

[donnerpartyofone]

idk if you've talked about it, probably have. but if you don't mind to again, ketamine injections for depression? did it work? was it expensive? how long did it work for? ty.

dang, i never got a notification for this message. sorry! ketamine absolutely worked for the management of my depression, it was very expensive, and i think i would have needed more for it to become a longer term solution. i may still go back in the future if my lifestyle changes, but for right now, i can’t justify the cost--which is an insane thing to say when what i’m paying for is freedom from hurting myself, but, ya know, CAPITALISM. 

the whole story is, i’ve been severely depressed my whole entire life; i don’t have any memories that don’t involve feeling morbidly upset, and i can remember things pretty sharply from the time i was slightly younger than 2.* i took ketamine recreationally some years ago when i was around 30 (i wasn’t adventurous about substances until i reached about that age), and i was totally astounded by how it affected my depression both during, and for weeks after the experience. it seemed to distance me from the oppressively immediacy of my bad feelings, giving me space to actually THINK about what was really bothering me, what kind of control i could have over how i assign importance and authority to things that don’t serve me, and what i might like my life to be like in the future. so, when i found out that there were ketamine clinics in new york, i kind of freaked out. actually, i found out about it from a guy who i met on an ayahuasca retreat upstate (which is its own hilariously mortifying story that i’ve been trying to write down for years and it keeps turning into a big unwieldy novel), who had been through the entire gamut of treatments for major depressive disorder. he liked his ketamine experience, but admitted that it was prohibitively expensive to keep up.

this is the place i went, and i recommend it to anyone who can afford it:

nyketamine.com

they say that they accept patients selectively, if you have treatment-resistant depression. i don’t know how strict they are about that, because by the time i came to them, i was looking pretty treatment-resistant. i’d been in and out of a few shrinks’ offices, and i’m basically incapable of taking any of the usual antidepressants because of how they affect other conditions i have. the process was, i filled out a request form on their website, and in a day or two, a clinician called to interview me over the phone about the character of my depression, and to gather some other anecdotal information about my history and health. the person i spoke to was very kind, attentive, and reassuring. the following day, someone called to set my first appointment. the whole reason i was able to do this is because of some inheritance that i received at the time; it’s $450 a session, and they suggest (or insist? i’m not sure) that you begin with a minimum of 6 sessions, each of them 2 days apart. after that, you just kind of monitor yourself to see when you think you need pickup sessions; the effect is cumulative and long term. i have no idea if they have any type of sliding scale accommodation, it could be worth asking.

when i went in for my first session, i had a brief interview with the head doctor, a navy veteran and anesthesiologist who had been working with ketamine in various capacities for 50 years. he explained a lot of things that i had no idea about, that were great to learn. periods of prolonged stress, especially while your brain is still developing, can result in a deficit of the neural pathways that you need to experience a full range of emotion; essentially, being chronically depressed and anxious can kind of give you brain damage. if you have that type of problem, it doesn’t matter what you do to try to boost your serotonin or dopamine or whatever; it’s like if you’re trying to get somewhere in your car and you can’t, not because you’re out of gas, but because the bridge is out. for some reason, ketamine switches back on the function that builds those pathways, so with regular therapeutic applications, you can actually heal the structural problem around your mood centers that’s reducing your emotional range to anxiety and depression. if you’re over 60 or so and your brain is less plastic, your chances of success aren’t as good as when you’re younger, but there’s always a chance; also, for some reason, ketamine plays especially well with estrogen, so women have a bit of a leg up. anyway, the doctor was great, and i really liked everyone there; it felt like they all knew they were doing something meaningful.

the sessions themselves are pleasant. they put you in a private room in a big cushy medical chair with a blanket and a pillow, and you let them know if you want the lights on or off. they give you an IV drip that lasts roughly an hour, and they communicate with you to figure out the dosage. you basically just tell them what feels comfortable, if the dosage they start you on is too low to notice. you won’t get something that puts you in a K hole, but you should enter a gentle dissociative state where you feel a little numb and floaty, and you might have a lot of interesting abstract thoughts. the worst part of it is just how bad you have to pee by the time the drip is done, when you’re still feeling a little anesthetized; sometimes i wound up looking at the bag with my flashlight to check if i had finished, and then i’d just press the call button to get them to come unplug me before i pissed my pants.

you’re not supposed to necessarily notice a difference right away, but you should detect a change in mood after a few weeks. i did. the way my disorder works is, most days i just have a low level background radiation of sadness and exhaustion, even on a “good day” when things are working out or i’m distracted by things i enjoy. when i wake up in the morning and realize i’m conscious and the time for sleep is over, my first feeling is disappointment, 100% of the time. then, i’d say roughly once a month or once every couple of months, i have a complete nervous collapse where i’m in so much pain i can’t really do anything but like drool and cry and let my eyes go out of focus, for anywhere from 1-7 days. there will usually be an apparent trigger; i’m a fairly dysfunctional person, and i frequently lose things, break things, and fuck things up even though i like STUDIED to do them, took it slow, asked for help, gave myself extra time, etc. but the thing is, i think the “trigger” is arbitrary, this is just a cyclic psychic event that builds up and waits to happen. but after my first battery of ketamine treatments, i had a particular day when i could tell that normally, i would quickly wind up curled up at the bottom of my bathtub scream-crying until i couldn’t move--and this time, i managed to just push through. not only did i not break down, but i actually got a number of difficult chores done, that i had put off because they seemed too intimidating, or like i wouldn’t be able to mentally handle my inevitable failure. i noticed more and more of that, while i was in proximity to the treatments, an ability to just buckle down and keep going. so it’s not like i felt HAPPIER or something, but i felt much more capable of coping, which was like a miracle honestly.

it’s been about 3.5 months since i last went in, and i think i could use a booster appointment, but as i said i just can’t fit it in with my financial reality right now. so, that sucks. but, i definitely feel that it was worth doing, and i would recommend it to anyone who can shoulder the cost. hopefully in the future, ketamine will become a much more common psychiatric treatment, and it will become available to more and more patients.

*A friend of mine just told me he read somewhere that you don’t actually recall memories from like 20 years ago, you just remember the last time you recalled them--so like, i THINK i remember my parents struggling to give me drops for pink eye in our first apartment when i was about 1.5 years old, but in reality, i just remember the last time i remembered it, or the earliest time i’m able to remember remembering it. pretty interesting! and kind of disturbing, like the idea that star trek-type teleporters don’t actually transport a person, they just DESTROY the original person and rebuild a new one on the other end, a thought that REALLY BOTHERS ME.