#idk sometimes I feel like I’m being gaslight too because of the way I experienced the original canon completely differently from other ppl

[ladyofpembroke]

Does anyone else get fandom fatigue? Like you start getting bugged by the meme-ification of fandom and characters which used to be fun for you but ultimately now feels like it just leads to a distortion of characters/themes? And same with overally headcanon-y fandoms where it’s almost sacrilegious to say you disagree with popular headcanons that aren’t based in canon but more likely to be a result of trying to make a ship work.

Idk I feel like this has happened to me in multiple fandoms. and I definitely have different levels of tolerance for different fandoms and i try to make it work so it doesn’t bug me. Like for succession I don’t mind the funny edits and stuff at all but it is not the type of show I’d ever read fanfic for. And other fandoms I can read some fanfic but memes bother me. But obviously on tumblr it’s easier to avoid fic than memes

I feel like a big problem with it too is that I sometimes feel nervous about putting my own thoughts out there because I’m pretty non confrontational and don’t want it to seem like I’m attacking ppl’s view of a character. But then I get more and more frustrated.

Idk obviously the answer is to step away a bit and get some perspective but it’s hard because you still really like the show/book/whatever and want to participate in the fandom

[gramsin]

Fear

1/5 around 7:48pm checked ig page found my initials and pixiset gone. Sometime last year in Baltimore my handle was changed to my initials.

Last December trip felt like a visit which I thought was ok. Did not do much but stayed at his place or mine. Went to celebrate Francis’ bday stayed over unexpectedly cuz alcohol and got into big fight.

Just few minutes ago texted if he still loved me, or if he was hiding me, or if he was talking to someone else. Idk, possibility of last part. Realized too late I should have not texted that, but ok that I did but been on my mind. Impulsive but current evidence leads me to believe he does not want me public. Fb relationship status still ok.

Not gonna lie went into panic mode, heart racing and mind isolating. Knew I had work to do but couldn’t keep thoughts/mind straight. Also waiting for a response is anxiety-inducing. Texted nessa right away but not about issue, just asked her how she was doing on scale of 1-10. Then texted heba too the same.

Was still panicking. Also alone and already experienced this type of feeling before- scared to feel its full intensity. Trying to calm myself. I am above this. Breathing off but still rhythmic. Maybe I shouldn’t have coffee (just brewed). Typing helps. Sigh ok.

Now anticipating response but it could go two ways maybe more. One- he’ll say no and ask why. Two- same as one but will call me crazy (gaslighting but I don’t know if he knows what that is. I accused him of this before and he did not react well to it or maybe doesn’t know what it is but doesn’t like being accused).

Worst case scenario all of this is true. I need to stay calm. That’s it, that’s the advice I need to tell myself. Legs stopped shaking as I typed that out. I need to believe that advice. So if all true, what do I do? Let’s say it ends??? What do I do? I don’t know. I have to distract myself. Can’t let my heart sink too deep. I still have a program to finish. My family spent money on me to help me achieve my goals. Thousands of dollars. Leased car. I HAVE to stay focus.

What if parts are true? This is hardest scenario. Not knowing what’s the truth or lie. It even hurts to think he’d lie, because that’s not his nature. I feel ashamed for thinking that. I still have to advocate for myself if this is the scenario.

What if all are false? Every answer to my question resulting in “no”. Wow, that would make me look crazy!!!! Lol. But you know it’s not easy to accept the answers so easily, like “no? Okay!” There are reasons why I asked. Am I suspicious or suspecting something?? I didn’t suspect during my time back home during holidays. And that’s the hard part. Holidays are supposed to be happy- it masks problems.

Rule for me is to not talk to other people about this. May sound crazy but also caused damage same time last year. No one’s words calmed me or made me feel better. And I talked to more than a handful of ppl. So not helpful. That’s why I texted nessa and heba but didn’t introduce my worries. I just needed someone to text.

Anyway I’m procrastinating now with my presentation but this was a dent in my productivity. I cannot handle this stress again…. I know I will not do well if my anxiety/depression relapses.

Stay calm.

[lilmajorshawty]

I hope this isn’t to vulgar to ask but have you experienced men of every rising sign? More so would you be able to speak on the genitalia of all the eighth house signs in men you’ve encountered? I would like to see if there is any merit in the general depictions of the eighth house when it comes to sex organs

Haha you’re fine my love! I don’t mind being of help!

I personally attract virgo, Sagittarius, Gemini, Scorpio rising men the most. I have had sexual encounters with men of all 12 zodiac signs and I’ve managed to get rising signs for a great deal of them! Sadly I can’t speak broadly on many of the rising signs considering the higher volume of the four I just mentioned being the majority of the ones that come my way.

Aries rising men: in my experience? Sweet, they are very much what you see is what you get types considering their entire chart is a reflection of the natural traits of all 12 zodiac signs in their comfortable houses. Sexually I would say their sexual organs look dark, like literally they have a darker tone then the rest of their body. They aren’t rough sexually but they can be very intense, if I could describe them? I’d say it felt like I was swimming in a pool at night with strobe lights at the bottom. They know how to have sex and it feels good, they are very much so emotionally available during and after. Very violent orgasams and can seem very spiritual during.

Taurus rising men: in my experience? Babies. They can be needy and distant at the same time, very weird mix. They want things at a very specific time and can be hard to compromise with especially sexually. the thing that stood out to me is how fast they ejaculate, and I don’t mean this in a bad way, they are just very easily aroused much like a literal bull. They tend to love foreplay but if you’re too good at it they’ll cum fast. They can be very vibrant and bubbly during sex lots of laughter, but if they’re not laughing they’re usually just super into it lmao. They have very big and long sexual organs. I wouldn’t say thick, I would say more like a long sword in typical sag style. They are very out of tune emotionally during sex so that’s the only downside.

Gemini rising men: in my experience? Sad boys. They got issues and they’re not good at hiding them. They can seem moody, aloof and slightly misunderstood. I can’t peg them sometimes, they seem like they have a mixture of mommy and daddy issues but then they can seem arrogant and self assured at a moments notice. Domination kinks and restriction plague them. I would say the sex is often sensual and deeply attentive in its nature. They want to feel all of it and none of it at the same time. Touch and physical intimacy is the thing they adore the most in sex and I think that’s what makes them so special. They’re really sweet and good natured and you get to see that part of them more freely during sex as contrary to the belief of Capricorn in the 8th these natives are tremendously affectionate and loving during sex. I will say that they get sad or more serious after climax and I have no idea wether Saturn does that or if it’s something deeper. They may be a bit on the smaller side when it comes to sexual organs in most cases but they know how to use it for sure. They are very horny like the goat

Cancer rising men: in my experience? I’ve dealt with some who have cap and others who have aqua in the 8th, for some reason the result is still similar in a way. They can be soooo receptive, they know what you need better than you do. They are present but not overbearing. They feel parental but in a way that feeds the parts of you that felt like they were missing something. I’d say sex always comes with a lesson with them. It’s never just casual sex. They tend to nurture during sex and can be very emotionally deep and connective during. They are definitely the type you spend the night with naturally or hang out with the next few days or unexpectedly end up dating. The sexual organs are usually pretty unique! Some curve, some have like those cute beauty marks on em. They also tend to be well hung.

Leo rising men: in my experience? I found them to be distant, perplexing and heavy. They seem a bit disengaged but can have moments of affectionate behavior and romantic burst that come from nowhere. Sexually though they can be passive, they feel real wet and liquidy I dunno how to describe it. Sex with them just feels very moist and like there’s a lot of fluids everywhere but idk it doesn’t feel like a bad thing. They precum a lot and can be very submissive. They are not horny per say? They are more on the “if you wanna” side of things. So Neptune and Jupiter rule Pisces so as you can already imagine these men tend to be packing some heat. They sorta dunno how to use it though? For some reason they have a very clumsy way of having sex as if they’ve never done it before? They don’t really have boundaries either so you’ll need to make sure to ask them if they’re okay cause a lot of the time they might not be.

Virgo rising men: in my experience? I’m gonna try and not be biased. These men are very ethereal. They are very quiet and genuine. They have this very honest and blunt way about doing and saying things. They carry a lot of pain though and you can see it in their eyes which I will say they have very intense eyes. Sexually? They are VERY passionate. They treat sex like a sport but not a fun sport, rather they treat it like a life or death ring match. They definitely pack a punch and will rock your shit. They can be deeply sensitive and intimate all the while being completely in tune with every part of you during sex in such a way that’ll make you feel like you’re freefalling. The genitals in my experience are veiny, very masculine in the way they look. Every time I see a guy with a Virgo rising it never ceases to amaze me how rough and aggressive their penis are. They are also very intense ejaculators and can be very big on equal ejaculation(my pleasure is your pleasure theme) contrary to the Aries myth, they can go and go and go for hours without cumming so as a warning please try and build your stamina

Libra rising men: in my experience? Confused? They can seem like they’re waiting for something to start but also won’t do anything to make something start. They can seem aggressive but are secretly hoping you make the first move. They are very touchy and very adorable in their being but they definitely can be the types to let the other person take the lead. One thing I’ve always liked about libra rising men is their cute butts and their charming way of seducing you without oversexualizing the situation. Sexually they are AMAZING Jesus. Once you get them going they will really run rampant. They are very sensual and they love slow touching and intimacy. They are emotionally present and can have a personality change during sex, they turn into a whole other Individual. A warning I will say is that they get very caught up in the moment and you’ll have to snap them out of it from time to time if they’re to caught up in the pleasure. They’re sexual organs like most fixed signs is pretty thick and heavy. In my experience the length is normal but the girth is what will really kill yah.

Scorpio rising men: in my experience? Fuck these guys are HOT. They don’t have to try very hard either which is annoying, they literally just exude this strong, mysterious and emotionally unavailable energy that makes you want to strip right in front of them. Are they into you? Do they care? Are you more into it then them? Who knows and they probably won’t tell you. They can be very manipulative and tend to gaslight(and I’m not joking about this nor am I jokingly using the term) they tend to have mental detachments from their emotions which can give them sociopath like tendecies. Sexually they are curious, very control oriented. They want to watch you go crazy so most times they leave you in charge. Riding is one of their favorite positions because they get to see you fein for them. They are senstive to your feelings during sex but don’t mistake this for them being emotionally invested in you, the Gemini in their 8th house is playing whatever role gets you to respond in the way they desire. They are very loving nonetheless when they do truly care for you. The sexual organs are usually very thick. I think they’re the ones who invented the word chode. The penis tends to be girthy and also has a pretty good length to it, and they definitely know how to work it.

Sagittarius rising men: in my experience? These guys are some fucking heartthrobs! I hate to say it but man they are so rugged and masculine you can’t help but love their boyish nature. They are definitely obnoxious, loud and ridiculously dense when it comes to reading the room. What makes them so hot though is how reckless they are with all things. They don’t give a shit. Sexually though? Emotions run HIGH they tend to be very drawn to feminine energy. A lot of guys like this adore feminity in all forms be it in men or women. If you have that feminine glow to you, they’ll eat you up. They tend to have a strong desire to impregnate and the idea of being connected and having that sort of emotional receptivity with the person their fucking drives them wild. They are very intense sexually and can be very overwhelming the first few times mainly because adjusting to them is impossible, you never know what emotional spectrum you’ll get. Their sexual organs aren’t that big, sometimes they can be girthy but most times long and or average size tends to be what I see more. Are they good at using it? Yeah, you’ll fall asleep right after trust me.

Capricorn rising men: in my experience? They are very unassuming. They are so fucking calm, so fucking unmoved and so fucking ahead of you every time. They don’t rush things and can really make you feel so comfortable with how respectful and real they are. They have a very boy next door or upstairs neighbor vibe to them. Sleeping with them feels naughty sometimes other times it feels like it was a long build up. Sexually they are exhibitionist. They definitely will fill the hell out of you with their more modest persona at first. They want to enjoy all parts of your body but they also want the show to be about them. They want to hear you want them, how good they make you feel, they want it to feel like a performance where the crowd is watching. And dare I say they are constantly mastering their art, sex gets better and better and better with them. There’s never a dull moment and every time they have sex with you it gets more personal, more intense, more all consuming. They have a high libido and they are practically insatiable. They are selfish but I will say this, if you can’t get them off they definitely will do it themselves. Their sexual organs are often brighter than the other parts of their body. Very pretty too look at and also a bit on the hairy side.

Aquarius rising men: In my experience? They can seem really standoffish and for a good reason. They tend not to like ignorance and the more they see you trying hard to relate to them the less they’ll acknowledge you. They like the idea of someone who is down for them but not the idea of someone who is groveling, don’t and I mean don’t by any means act like a fan. They tend to run hot and cold for ever even if they like you. Sexually they can be meticulously planning the whole thing. The meet up, the positions, the foreplay all of it. They tend to need warnining or to know both parties had time to clean up. They’re not ones for sex on the fly or random sex as it can lead to a lot of unnecessary accidents. They’re attentive and very much the types to make you feel like you’re clay and you’re being sculpted into something magnificent. Their amazing at sex, they are like gallileo, or Mozart when it comes to the act. They move around your body like a serpent, then a leaf in the wind, than rain touching your skin. They are more focused on your pleasure than theirs so orgasms/reaching climax can be tough for them. The sexual organs are pretty small or average in most cases. If mars/Jupiter or Neptune/Uranus is there that augments things.

Pisces rising men: In my experience? They are definitely ass men. Everything revolves around booty. They are definitely soft and very sweet, but they have a sweetness to them that is fake. The real them is far more serious and self aware then they give off. They know what they’re doing and they know what you’re doing, so don’t ever be fooled by the veil they put up. They’re incredible receptive and sensitive and a lot of their internal feelings come out at some point just not at the moment it needs to. Sexually they can very hotel sex types. Like I don’t know how to really explain it and it’s so opposite of what you would expect of libra but they are very impersonal people. Like sex can feel very romantic and as if they are treating you like a significant other but something about it is detached, far away and unavailable. They are good at creating the engagement aspect of sex but can fall short at the emotional part which is semi-strange considering what you’ll get up to that point. They are very experienced but at the same time they may need to be taught to connect a little deeper or to open up more. They have very soft and gentle sexual styles that will still make you feel cared for but sometimes in the back of it all you’ll still feel that “I’m fucking a stranger” vibe. Their sexual organs tend to be very beautiful, nice length and nice width. They’ll definitely be a lot better at the sex part once you guys are committed though.

So obviously this is a general word of mouth and does not take into account planets being in the 8th house nor does it mention decans which can greatly alter much of what I’ve said. And honestly you can apply the decan rule here if you’d like! Simply use the decan lord so if they’re a third decan Virgo rising and have Aries in the third decan in their 8th house which is Aries/Sagittarius: you would mix those interpretations. Anyways hope this helps love.

[marley-manson]

☕️ GFA?

Thank you! It’s another long one lol.

SO like, I like it. I think it’s a genuinely great finale. Every character gets a fitting ending that suits them, usually in a sad way but sometimes positively. I kinda wish Potter and/or Margaret experienced some tragedy like the draftees do, but oh well, they got the least focus in the finale so that’s okay. I thought Klinger’s ending was sweet, Charles and Mulcahy’s effectively tragic, Margaret’s fine (she makes a decision contrary to her father’s opinion, I’ll take it), Potter’s... idk he gave his horse away and retired, it was unmemorable.

But what I’m really about here is BJ and Hawkeye’s plot, especially Hawkeye’s, so I’m just gonna gush about that mostly.

I love just about everything about Hawkeye in the hospital. I love how inevitable it feels, the show staying on point to build up to it since like, the seventh episode. The only sane response to an insane situation is to go insane, and we finally see it happen to Hawk for real. And it’s well done too, I prefer this take on a breakdown over pretty much everything we’ve seen before from Hawkeye and incidental characters. It feels more lowkey and character-focused and less sensationalized than, say, hysterical paralysis, or hypnosis recovering buried memories, or psychosomatic sneezing, or hallucinations, etc. We got the traumatic amnesia for the sake of the dramatic reveal and we got mania, we don’t need more than that.

And like, I love how they went for a manic breakdown instead of say depression and listlessness. They could’ve communicated Hawkeye’s MI through making him feel different and unHakweye-like (and we have seen him appear depressed in other episodes so it wouldn’t come out of nowhere), but instead they heightened the aspects we associate most strongly with him, and it works so well. The jokes, the word-association ranting, the energy, the emotion, the anger turned outwards instead of sideways. I adore it.

Like before I watched the episode I was very nervous about it because I knew I’d be very picky about how a mid-breakdown Hawkeye is characterized and I assumed I’d be disappointed, but nope, the show nailed it imo. Like I was beaming during the phone call scene lol, Hawkeye refusing to let them off the awkward hook by making angry joke after joke about it. Like “Just remember, every day you keep your best surgeon here you're killing patients :)" had me heart-eyed for the writing and acting lol. And then when he went on his rant about gaslighting after BJ triggered him? Chef kiss.

I also loved that he wasn’t cured when he remembered, or even after being discharged. It’s a low bar, but I have low expectations when it comes to old media and MI so Hawkeye still being a little manic when he’s back at the 4077 and Sidney coming down for a follow up was a pleasant surprise.

And then there’s BJ. This episode was both fantastic and terrible for him lol, in that it was an excellent, accurate, fitting portrayal of his character, and he was just awful in it. The first one to start playing hot potato with the phone call, talking about his baby child in front of Hawkeye when he’s well aware of what caused Hawkeye’s breakdown, acting inconvenienced when Hawkeye predictably gets triggered instead of remourseful (I will grant that this is obviously all in part to foreshadow the incident while preserving the mystery, but I can’t say it’s ooc), then - the wildest part to me - appearing hurt that Hawkeye doesn’t open the emotional door BJ can’t open himself and offer a heartfelt goodbye, because Hawkeye isn’t a mind-reader... then of course leaving without a goodbye or a note (having had plenty of time to prepare in advance while knowing he might not be able to say goodbye in the hospital, since he asks Sidney about it).

This all makes perfect sense for how consistently emotionally withdrawn and unsupportive he is, for how the pattern has always been Hawkeye supporting him no matter how awful Hawkeye might be feeling (eg Period of Adjustment), and for the theme of BJ being emotionally divided by making friends with Hawkeye and denying that by just silently escaping. But man it sucks for Hawkeye lol.

So BJ gets a do over, and even then he jerks Hawkeye around for ages with his refusal to say goodbye no matter how much Hawkeye needs to hear it. Obviously this leads to the touching final shot with the “note” and I think the writers did a great job of building up to that to make it feel conclusive and emotional, as well as meaningful to the characters and not just to the audience.

Like I adore that the emotional core of the finale is Hawkeye and BJ’s flawed friendship, and that we see those flaws in this episode but we also see how much they mean to each other. We got like half an hour of goodbyes here, and Hawk + BJ get the climactic spot, which is fantastic. The climax of BJ’s character arc is admitting his friendship with Hawkeye affected him, and I think it works, thematically. (On a watsonian level I don’t think the goodbye scene makes up for how emotionally evasive BJ was even in just this episode, let alone throughout the show, but it’s still a nice gesture.)

It’s also a great capstone to the little thread of Hawkeye’s reoccuring pattern of abandonment and it’s an a+ choice to work that into the finale to make the goodbye feel that much more climactic and satisfying. The writers honestly did a magnificent job of making this finale resonate with these characters in ways that have barely even been discussed verbally in the show, but are still on full display.

Like I’ve mentioned this before but I think “What if I was dying, would you hold me in your arms or would you let me lie there and bleed?” is an absolutely perfect line for Hawk to say to BJ, because it’s about BJ’s recurring pattern of refusing to be there for him emotionally. BJ will help Hawkeye if there’s something concrete he can do, but if there isn’t, he won’t just stay at his side and be supportive, he will toss him in the dirt and run away (Depressing News, Blood and Guts, most of Back Pay, Give Em Hell Hawkeye, The Grim Reaper, etc). I love how it becomes a significant aspect of the finale.

It’s just such good character writing, especially in an episodic show with iffy continuity in general.

Also speaking of character writing and continuity, I love how inevitable it is that Hawkeye is traumatized by the death of a child too. The show built up to that so successfully imo, From Hawk’s Nightmare to What’s Up Doc to Dreams etc etc. I think especially as a call-back to Letters, where the one thing keeping him going is being able to save an innocent life... kinda indicates that what Hawkeye lost in the finale was his ability to live with being part of the war machine imo. Also why I think driving the jeep into the O-Club was to some extent a suicide attempt. I’m not sure how purposeful that is though bc while Letters is def part of the lead up to the finale, the weapons repair bit is never addressed again and then Hawkeye salutes Potter lol so yk. But it’s a connection I like.

Aaaaand lastly I’m not sure how I feel about Hawkeye quitting surgery. I mean I think it’s awful and tragic and the worst possible thing for him, but I’m not sure if the writing also thinks that? It’s definitely meant to be the war affecting Hawkeye, but the way it’s phrased as wanting to be a small town family doctor and get to know his patients... feels a little too romanticized. Plus the way it comes after he gets back into surgery at the 4077 does seem like a way to try to distance that decision from the immediate trauma and make it seem like a more reasonable career choice. But like, it fucking sucks, it’s tragic, surgery is the one thing Hawkeye has ever wanted to do, and to end with him quitting his career track is so loaded, like how can you see it as anything but the war destroying him? So that’s like my one big question mark when it comes to the finale lol.

I think that’s about it. Thank you for asking!

send me a ☕️ and a topic and i’ll talk about how i feel about it

[normal-thoughts-official]

Ppl be like "Magnus can't have flaws??! How dare you say nice things about him?!??" sometimes. All of Magnus' characteristics that we use to describe him are Canon but ppl act like we're making his personality up??? Saw someone tag a post abt ppl only making up personalities for guys nd not girls with his name as if he wasn't a main and didn't have his own story+background. It was made worse as they tagged the same post with damon Salvatore nd now I feel sick.

Book!magnus isn't flawed he's a straight up asshole. Ppl like to say he's better than show!magnus because of his dick ways and I'm just like: ????. Show!Magnus does have flaws idiots just lack the critical thinking to find them!

idk who damon salvatore is (i mean im vaguely aware hes from that vampire diaries thing but i know nothing beyond that) but otherwise i agree with u (also, ppl got a lot of nerve putting a coc in a list like that like being a moc means being treated even slightly the same way as a white man lmao. i mean yeah sure hes still got male privilege but are you serious? fandom treating a coc like he deserves nuance and well thought out headcanons and love and attention? wish i lived in that world)

what rlly drives me crazy about this whole "magnus is allowed to have flaws" thing is that like, yeah, he sure is! especially because poc are never allowed to be even the slightest bit human, much less flawed, without people getting up in arms about it. magnus' got plenty of flaws! he's stubborn, he's self sacrificial, he hides his feelings from others, he pushes ppl away when they get too close to his vulnerabilities, he has a tendency to simply Decide what other ppl want or need (like with alec and that whole moving to idris thing), he is impulsive, and a lot of other shit

and it's exactly those flaws that draw me to him, honestly! like i talk about how kind and caring he is all the time, and that is true, but i know that this is, at least partially, him feeling like he needs to be useful to be loved, and erasing himself/defining himself by what he can do for others, which is the same trait that leads him to act in all these ways i mentioned above. it's why i relate to him! it's why i love him! magnus isn't perfect, he is good, a good person, and there's a difference

which is the point i have been wanting to make when i started writing this answer because like. what drives me crazy the most is how those dark magnus stans or whatever love to say that they write him as an evil person who literally enjoys hurting others (like im sorry but have you watched the show?) because he's "allowed to have flaws". usually the same ppl who keep being like "i write my relationships realistically!" and when u check out their fics, it's like, literally abuse. like straight up physical violence and manipulation and gaslighting. and. that's not being realistic, girl! that's normalizing abuse

and it's one thing if this is a dark fic and its supposed to be bad or whatever and u just want to explore that, god knows i write about abuse all the damn time. its another to be like "actually if ppl arent like that its not realistic and ur writing them as perfect uwu beans and u have no nuance and are a bad writer". cuz honestly, if u think "having flaws" is being straight up abusive, and that it's "unrealistic" otherwise, then that tells me all i need to know about how u live ur relationships. if u think its literally impossible to exist in the real world without abusing others then i dont want to have shit to do with u, buddy

(and im not even saying that from just a logical standpoint but also from experience because ive had exes and ex friends who used this whole "actually humans are naturally selfish and dont care about others and enjoy hurting others it's human nature" rethoric [and the whole "realistic" thing is really just that except applied to fiction] and surprise! they were all abusive! either to me or other ppl i knew, usually both)

and it's not unrealistic to be kind and care about others! on the contrary, it's a very normal and natural human trait. so miss me with that "either ur character literally enjoys torturing other ppl or he's being written as perfect" shit. which of course gains particularly strong tones when ppl r writing coc, esp moc. like no one insists that if alec doesn't feel literal pleasure hurting others then that's unrealistic and ppl r making his personality up and treating him like he's perfect. i wonder why 🙄

like the bar for "being written realistically" for white ppl is having flaws, for poc it's being straight up cruel

miss me with that shit! magnus is kind, he is selfless, he is caring, he is willing to do anything to help others, he is loving beyond anything else even after all his trauma! and yes, he is still flawed and realistic, and no, he is not an innocent baby. if he were i wouldn't be into it because i don't want a character who's kind because he doesn't know better, i want a character who's kind because they choose to. nothing could possibly be more boring to me than a character who's nice and unaware that other ppl might be assholes, i want characters who know exactly how terrible other people can be, who have experienced it firsthand, but who are still kind because that's who they are and what they believe in. and that's magnus! he knows perfectly well how full of horrors the world is, how sometimes there is no right choice, how sometimes u need to make sacrifices, how some people are really selfish and cruel and he's even been used by those specifically because he's too kind of selfless. he just chooses to still be kind and selfless anyway

if you could never, that's not my problem, or his writing's lol

[everything-laito]

Never expected the Laito vs Shin CD to be this deep on Laito’s side. Hi, I’m back at it again with another long rant.

Hiiii! It’s Corn here, with a long awaited analysis of the Laito vs Shin drama cd! 

I didn’t expect to like this pairing as much as I did, but honestly Shin’s abrasiveness brought more out of Laito than I expected. Maybe it’s also the combination of Laito struggling to keep himself restrained. 

If you wanna hear my shitpost 2 am reactions to this, here’s the link. I go back now and realize I forgot some stuff in my notes to put in there, but oh well haha. If you want me to release the ones I forgot let me know lololol, my 2 am ramblings are pretty funny in hindsight. Thank you to @/dialovers-translations for providing the translations to these CDs! If you want to check the CD out for yourself, here it is. And as always, if you want to add anything, feel free to! Huge analysis under the cut :)

So the CD starts off with Laito and Yui. They’re in public somewhere and Laito’s being… Laito. But he’s trying to be quiet which was off putting for me at first. Anyways, this takes place right after the Lost Eden ending. I will admit I haven’t played Lost Eden or has seen the translations yet (I like playing the games as I do) but I do know that in in some endings the Sakamakis (and Mukamis???? I think??? Not sure) inherit daddy ketchup’s power. (I think it’s all of them that do in their endings but correct me if I’m wrong). 

So we know that Laito doesn’t like violence from him saying it multiple times in past games, drama cds, etc. He also mentioned in Haunted Dark Bridal that he doesn’t like family politics and has no interest in having the throne/Karl’s power. So, safe to assume from the start he doesn’t like having this power. And oh boy he is NOT having it. 

In my notes of the first track I made a quip of that Laito’s been kind of a “wannabe romantic.” I know that’s not the best way to describe it, but he’s like “human girls like this right?” or “this is what you do in a relationship, right?” (And he either puts his own twist on it or it ends up being More Blood’s vampire ending). So in this he holds your hand, no tricks, no nothing. I know this is a result of Rejet’s writing change after HDB, but also I think it’s some development on Laito’s end too (either way, it’s cute as hell). I honestly took this as him trying to distract himself from the power he now has; one that he never wanted in the first place. And we know Laito: master of distracting himself from his own issues and other people. 

Laito: “Fufu…You’re shaking~ In that case, should we just dive down from here while I hold you in my arms? …We’ll reach the ground in no time, but it might be reaaaaaally scary.”

Laito: “I’m not going to jump down. After all, I’ve decided I won’t use these powers no matter what.”

Although it takes some deeper knowledge of Laito, he definitely is using the ol “making fun of things I’m insecure about = coping mechanism” plenty of people like to do. He’s teasing himself; making a little quip of it and then kinda turning serious, yet still remaining his “~playful Laito façade~” self. In my notes I say that I’m glad Rejet stuck by with Laito’s whole “I have no interest in these powers” kinda thing. I also think that it scares him, on top of the fact that he just doesn’t give a shit. Or him having the “I don’t give a shit” attitude is a cover up for that fear? We’re gonna go deeper into that, my fellow sinners. 

Before I get into that, I just wanted to point out yet another quote that follows the ones that I put. 

Laito: “Don’t look so puzzled. This is the human world, isn’t it? It would be odd. There’s no hidden meaning behind it. That’s all.”

I liked my note in response to this quote: “H A H don’t be so DAFT, Laito, you’re the KING of double meanings. I know this is a liiiieeeeee” and man, I gotta agree with my cryptid self. He’s using the fact that it’s the human world as an excuse for him to not use his powers. Which…. Is a valid excuse. But this is also Laito we’re talking about. And he just sucked your blood in public. And moaned. I can see right through you man. Laito without double meanings is just…. He can’t exist. There’s no way. Sure he’s developed but if he’s still sticking with his façade from time to time, it’s a safe assumption; deductively. 

As for Laito fearing his powers, it really starts to prove itself by Track 02. Shin finds him, attacks him with wolves, and Laito STILL doesn’t use his powers, even in self defense. For a man that has 0 self restraint typically,,,,,, he really can restrain himself for the most specific things. This further supports my claim that Laito’s scared of himself with these powers. He’s also just really dedicated to his morals, whether they’re falsified morals he created himself in self defense, or ones that go deep to his core (oh shit, another analysis idea???). 

Then… Laito got angry, and attacked Shin in the process (this happens in track 04. Shin steals Yui in track 03). Again, I know I just said he’s pretty dedicated to his morals. But it’s an oddly human thing to do; breaking your morals once in a while to achieve something. We’ve all done it at least once in our lives. Then Laito beats himself up over letting his angry emotions get to him. And we get such a moving scene.

Laito: “Ah…Fuck…! Why…! Why!? Why did I let myself fall for such an easy taunt!? …Bitch-chan? I’m weird, right now, aren’t I? Because of that guy’s powers…Aren’t I going crazy?”

Laito: “…!? I…I’ve been composed this whole time. Yet…Why do you tell me such a thing!? Just as I thought…You also think that I’m becoming weird! If not, you wouldn’t look at me with those eyes!”

Laito: “Don’t touch me…!! If you touch me…You’ll be corrupted as well.”

Laito: “Fufufu…Ahaha…! I’m not corrupted? No, haven’t you experienced it first-hand? That man’s sullied blood and powers are flowing through this body of mine. Even though I don’t need them…! Even though I never wished for them…! Why…!? Why did I have to get these things forced upon me!? Fuck!”

I know that Japanese doesn’t technically have swear words like we do. He says 「くそ」 (“kuso”) which is an interjection that describes something that’s outrageous. Which is why it gets translated into “damn!” “Shit!” “Fuck!” Based on the context and aggressiveness. But, Laito rarely ever says 「くそ」, and he said it a LOT in this CD. And that’s what really caught me off guard. 

So, SO much is said in those quotes I cannot even begin to fathom. So let’s break it down. 

Firstly, as I mentioned, He’s beating himself up (as well as gaslighting himself(?) Is that possible?) over breaking his own morals and not wanting to have these powers in the first place. And he uses Karl as a scapegoat, as he (and the other brothers) have a habit of doing. Also, he refers to his powers as “that guy’s powers.” He hasn’t even accepted that they’re his, and that’s also what’s really sad.

Then the second line. “I’ve been composed this whole time.” Well we, as Laito fans, know that what we usually see Laito is a façade. But this, right now, is raw Laito, baby. He then kinda gets a paranoia of some sort, trying to read your eyes (which is most likely sympathetic, not thinking he’s weird) in order to blame it on someone, or continuing to gaslight himself. And the third line… Wow that hit hard for me in the feels. You know how Laito usually says he wants to corrupt you? Steal your innocence? (Again, projection, from what Cordelia made him feel). This also further supports the notion that Laito doesn’t think that highly of himself (well, people who have some type of superiority complex do. And he definitely does, sometimes on Ayato levels) and also the fact that he still keeps that façade up. Probably to protect these inner feelings. Again, his statement about his composure says as much. 

It’s then implied that Yui tries to comfort him, saying that he’s not corrupted. He continues to not listen to her and kinda say his bottled up feelings. God that last quote, and the way he says it,,,, ugh god it’s so heartbreaking. As we previously knew, he didn’t want these powers at all. He never wanted to be in any part of Karlheinz’s games. He just wanted to live the way he wants to (even if it is,,,, an unhealthy mindset to live in). He says it in such a fearful and tragic way. Again, he’s afraid of himself with these powers. He’s trying to build back up his facade or adjust it in any way that he can to avoid it, but right now, it’s too much for him. 

Laito: “Bitch-chan, you see. As long as she has someone to make her feel good, she will make do with anyone. …Power does not matter. That’s what being a ‘Bitch-chan’ is all about, isn’t it?”

Shin: “Che! You’re just spouting random crap! You won’t deceive me.”

Laito: “Heh…There, there…Don’t glare at me like that..We’ve come all the way up here…It would be foolish to waste our time talking about power dynamics. Let’s enjoy ourselves…I don’t care about complicated stuff. To me, this is everything.”

I actually said something coherent enough in my 2 am notes in response to this to pretty much put it in here verbatim: 

Damn, this boy really just wants to vibe and avoid responsibility (I mean, don’t we all Laito) but he just has to face it. I kinda realize through this drama cd that Laito just… doesn’t wanna face complexity too. He doesn’t, never has. Violence is too complicated, getting involved with Cordelia and Ayato’s relationship by standing up for Ayato as a kid is too complicated, getting on Cordelia’s “good side” (which is uh,,,, awful) is too complicated. 

Putting up that whole perverted façade in order to hide from his own feelings; holy shit idk how I didn’t notice this blatantly before. I didn’t know it would take Shin to make me realize this. Laito never asked for any of this happening to him (none of the boys really did; at least for their pasts). Goddamn, when I try to look at the overly complex stuff, I miss the simple shit so easily. People in real life try to escape like this––using sex and pleasure––just like Laito. 

(Can’t believe I said that at 2 am omg) But, to add onto that, the whole “That’s what being a ‘Bitch-chan’ is all about, isn’t it?” Has SO much meaning to it. First of all, it’s a question. Which raises uncertainty about a subject. This subject is what being a ‘Bitch-chan’ is. It’s phrased in a desperate way that this is Laito’s way to ask you to help. And that’s huge. Also, I think it’s Laito’s way of saying to not judge him right now, and to still accept him for who he is. If he really thought that Yui was that “loose” of a woman with no standards, he wouldn’t have cared to say this, or implied his purpose: which is wanting to make Yui feel good. Which, I think in Laito terms, means “wanting to make Yui happy.” And he wants to continue to be there with her through this double meaning. And wow. That’s,,,,pretty poetic.

Last note; I know that Shin even said or implied (I’m too lazy to go back to the direct quote) that he was like “bruh get over yourself, these are your powers now, get used to it” (which set Laito off I believe). And going in, I didn’t think I’d get much out of this duo in terms of development, but WOW, there’s a chock full of stuff. 

If you’ve made it this far, congrats! Holy crap I think this is longer than the Hilde analysis. 

Thanks for reading as always! -Corn

[light-of-being]

a very fkin long and incomplete exposition of my flaws as a human being

I've not really spoken about the probably most consequential event in my recent life (the ending of a long term relationship), and that's because I haven't really thought about it very much. At least, not in a clear-headed space not entirely filled with rage, fear, or initially, longing. So, I've mostly just been waiting for the intensity of those responses to wear out before I can go back and make sense of things in a sorta 'safe' way.

(These days it's mostly anger and/or hurt. Sometimes twinges of hatred, but those fizzle quickly. I know that attitude isn't 'true'. I tried to hate him, I really did. Things would be so much simpler that way — an obvious villain of pure evil, a mistake worthy of contempt. Put him behind me as someone I regret meeting and consider everything only as a flashing warning sign of what to avoid next time. But real life never is that easy, is it.)

Regardless, reading about miscellaneous psychological ~stuff, I realised that I know for sure now that there are sides of me that only come out in a close relationship, as they postulate. It's unfortunate that my exposure to this was only in such a toxic environment, and I'm not sure if or when closeness has any chance of happening again.

I suspect, based on what I have/haven't felt with him vs others, that I can (at least at this stage of my development) only really feel 'seen' by an antisocial/narcissist/schizoid (or something in that general direction), just hope to god it's a mature one next time. I might want to interrogate and possibly change that fact, I'm not sure it's at all a healthily arrived preference. But...

there is a degree of normalcy and social belonging in others that becomes a wall

I can relate superficially, cognitively and even 'deeply personally' (tho is all y'all's deeply personal shit necessarily relational?), have a good time and even feel 'connection' but there are parts that seem simply insurmountable.

The lack of relating to many things is the unifying factor between me and the specified groups: the shared experience of not having shared experiences

But yet, a more acute awareness of superficiality, and the drives and mechanics of human interactions, attitudes, identity and constructs, not taken for granted as default but built from the ground up (Most often out of either necessity or a desire to manipulate them, but still).

Actually, most straightforwardly, the shared experience of experiencing oneself as an outsider to society — whether people personally, accepted norms or expected attitudes towards self and other.*

Anyway, that was a whole semi-tangent I went off on (useful and relevant to the initial thought but not the point I was planning on).

Important point was...ah yes, insights!

...into how I behave under genuine relational circumstances. Due to aforementioned toxicity, I'm not sure how generalisable they are to relationships overall, but they should generalise to feeling-states.

1.

(a) Fear. Defensiveness.

Switches off my brain. Obvious? No. I have been actively strategic while having a gun pointed at me. I thought I had that down. Turns out, I cannot dissociate myself out of an argument most of the time.

Turns out, just the fact or even prospect of arguing activates panic and brain goes out the window. Which is really fucking stupid as an occurrence because how many of these could be prevented with a bit of mindfulness and thoughtful responding. But getting emotions to chill out for long enough to do that is tough.

(b) I am a stubborn dumbass. Kid me argued until they were attacked so harshly that they absolutely could not continue. The alternative presented was to just keep silent, one I did not then and do not now accept. Discussion where both parties partake in good faith have generally been fruitful, only neither of these situations were that. Both involved one person trying to dominate at all costs. To which I suppose keeping silent for the moment and then running tf away is an appropriate response. Idk. I'm not sure if this is a 'normal situation' to which I respond unhealthily, or an 'abnormal situation' in which you just do your best to survive. Arguments are normal. Idk if other people have a less aggressive approach that is less outright terrifying, in which I can modulate, but it does seem like people want to prove you wrong and get angry, which I perceive as aggression.

2. 

Which brings me to boundaries. Can I shut things down when I'm overwhelmed. In the present case, the answer was no. They both didn't stop and the fact that I asked for this was interpreted as admission of defeat.Oftentimes, getting out of the situation was more of an ordeal than dealing with it. [We stayed at a hotel the one time and he did things that made me very uncomfortable (in like a “things that I shudder at thinking about even now” kind of way; not sexual btw which this has made it sound). I thought I was as clear as I could’ve been by saying, “I’m going to legit have a breakdown if you keep doing that” but apparently it came across as a joke (gotta improve on communication as well). He stopped and apologised when he realised I was crying, but later blamed me for not being more assertive and laughed at my ‘exaggerated’ response and “meltdown”. At this point I wanted to leave and go home, but he withheld [my copy of] the key. He insisted and manipulated and coerced for discussion, said I could have the key if I “really wanted it, but do I actually want that”, until it was just easier to give in. The helplessness and feeling trapped of that evening haunts me to this day, and I want to be very sure to never be in any situation where that is even a possibility again no matter what.]

I need to get better at knowing what is and isn't okay and being strong enough to enforce that.

3.

(a) Attachment is a bitch. Utterly unfamiliar sensation, one I don't know my way around at all. The rarity of relation makes it seem so fucking precious, so fucking necessary to protect even to my detriment and his. Dare I tip the boat or will it sink. Should I be the dancing monkey to keep it from sinking. Should he.

(b) The feeling of giving a damn what someone thinks of me is also foreign and difficult. It also seems hella intensified by virtue of not existing elsewhere. Disapproval feels devastating. Criticism becomes attack. Everything feels like a continuous effort to establish worth. I'd imagined acceptance could be taken for granted, but I questioned it the whole way (obviously doesn't help when he demands changes).

(c) I have trouble distinguishing between personal issues and insecurities and legitimate reason to be upset. I think this is typical. But with trial and error, one can probably pick up on what you carry with you across differing people and circumstances. I don't have that data. I have nothing to compare against. I also suspect some parts of this is him treating legitimate reasons as being my distorted perceptions, which I'm pretty sure did happen for a few things that I believe are 'objectively' shitty.

5. 

I trust. Too. Fucking. Much. I take shit at face value. This is very often dumb and...bad in literally every sense, but I don’t yet know how to identify preemptively when that's the case. I also fail to be adequately 'suspicious' I guess to be alert to minor inconsistencies later on. Lies are especially devastating. I built my reality around you using that fundamental premise. Now you tell me it was false all along. Where does that leave me? I go back to substitute and nothing makes sense. I don't know if the initial statement was a lie or the claim that it's false was. I don't know if everything I remember is just distorted somehow. I don't know what to do. (aside: gaslighting? I’m inclined to say “effectively, yes”. The best explanation I have is that for many things he rewrote the narrative in his own mind and does not remember the things that blatantly contradict it. For other things, I cannot see that being possible and am forced to think it’s just pure lies). All of this could have been prevented if I accounted for people being dishonest.

6. 

(a) I lose sympathy. Genuinely did not ever expect this to happen. Enough hurt, enough deception and I stop trying to understand why. I assume malice. I expect malice in future interactions and misread situations as a result. In the beginning I made fucktons of effort to be understanding of things far from my typical range (hello, admissions of past violence and present homicidal ideation. Hello, talking someone out of real intention of ruining a person's life over a minor slight). Honestly, I think I overreached. Some of these things were not things I should have tolerated, accepted even. When I started walking on eggshells to not have him ruin my life, too, that was probably when I should've gotten out. He claimed that the people he cares about are exceptions. That's probably true, otherwise I would currently be in a ton of shit. But at some point I did stop believing it.

(b) I don't really think that most of the things that happened were malicious. Some, he admits, were. But mostly he wasn't out with the intention to hurt me, but he also didn't make the effort...not to. Even with me repeatedly complaining about things, he was defensive or dismissive, considering me talking about an issue to be me creating issues in his life. This is super shitty, his damage is caused by a stubborn ego fixation and sheer passivity, thoughtlessness (he has agreed to all of this in our final conversation), but it isn't exactly intentionally malicious. If he genuinely didn't believe there was a problem, that is an issue, and the fact that he utterly failed until the end to even consider the possibility of a valid complaint, is a very real flaw. He is bad insofar as "he is lazy and incompetent at being good". Which I can understand but nevertheless protect myself from. Ideally, sooner. At the point where I start feeling like someone is being shitty more often than not, something needs to happen. A discussion, a reconsideration, a run-as-fast-as-you-can... Something.

Idk. This isn't everything. But yeah.

.

.

.

* These 3 PDs are often used in illustrating the idea of pathologising difference: few of the criteria are about subjective distress and many about extrinsic value judgements of what a person should be like (lol, my clinical psych final had an essay question on this). I don't necessarily agree but it does speak to a shared thread of...something. That said, this characterisation is tbh still too broad for my liking. Importantly, it is definitively applicable to autistic people but I do not in general relate to that in the same way. Some specific manifestations of it, yes, but I have seen far too many excessively... 'human' autistic people to include the whole category. There are probably folks in the PD categories who are also like that but I think much less common.

[aeide-thea]

'Franklin has an unhealthy 'tolerance' for emotional pain in his partners. When someone you care about is deeply in pain, it is the very nature of intimacy that you will also experience empathic pain and you will be driven to act to stop that pain. If that pain is directly related to you and your actions -or- if it is somehow within your power to otherwise ease that pain and you cannot or will not (which are both reasonable choices) make the changes or take the action that you need to alleviate that pain, then I really believe for any healthy person that this mutual pain must at some point drive you to leave the relationship. I think this is the natural and healthy course.

Franklin will essentially stay forever with a partner who is suicidally miserable. How is that? Why is that? And how do his partners bend around that reality?'

i remember so vividly being totally mystified by R's ability/willingness to just, like, let a state of misery drag on without resolution, like, whether it was between us or between em and somebody else there was so often just this kind of bizarre acceptance that things were just going to feel bad for an extended period of time, and this was just How Things Were, kaiidth, &c? whereas to me it felt like, how do you just sit with something being wrong between you and a partner without feeling as though it's urgent to resolve it? this is a state of crisis! it needs to be lanced, not just left to fester!

'I believe that the way that Franklin is able to tolerate his partner's pain over long periods of time is that he never, fundamentally believes it is coming from him. No matter how bad it is, actually, especially when it is so bad that you, as his partner become hysterical, 'irrational' or otherwise crazy, he will continue to see it as essentially something that is coming from you. And, this being the case, he will be a kind and calm and loving friend, helping you through this thing that you alone are experiencing.

In this way, do you see how the very construct of the relationship will gaslight anyone who is emotionally invested in him and then suffers for it? Because you will always be steered towards believing that the pain is ultimately coming from you,'

which is so fucking familiar? R would be, like, sympathetic about the ways in which eir life choices were hurting me, but somehow it was like, those were an agent-less phenomenon ey had no responsibility to try and mitigate the effect of, so ey was on my team insofar as sympathizing about it but there was no idea that ey might ever make different choices? but ey also wouldn't ever have broken up with me; ey just kept pulling away and leaving me agonizedly to run after em, trying to come up with a model whereby this behavior could be construed as loving and bearable.

'[F]or me, the solution was to attempt to build a skillset that would allow me to manage and take responsibility for the pain and stress that I was experiencing as a direct result of my relationship with him. Of course my history with depression confused the issue greatly about where my experience was coming from, but I understand now that it was straight up coming from the relationship.'

god, the number of times i was like, 'i feel like i'm sad about things with R, but maybe it's just all my unanchored sadness latching onto a concrete focus?' god!!

'When Franklin is inconsistent, unclear, and isn't taking responsibility so you can't count on him, but you need him and love him deeply, it FUCKS YOU UP over time. When you are additionally, trying to 'own your feelings,' not be controlling and have a neutral impact on his other relationships, you are likely to be more hesitant to ask for what you need, call out things that feel wrong, or assert boundaries.'

yup!! exactly, precisely, all of this. so much. god. &:

'One more realization that I have had, is that there is a difference between intense love and intense relief. I never had a chance with Franklin to really find out what love with him would look like, because I was too busy riding the roller coaster of pain-attachment and relief-attachment. I understand much better now what secure love feels like, and it just... it just never feels like that. With secure love, sometimes you hurt, and you have to work all the time, but it doesn't feel like almost dying and then being resuscitated over and over again. That's something else.'

and like, this is all simultaneously validating—it's reasonable to have been fucked up by this kind of thing!—and really difficult, because i still feel reluctant to label R's behavior 'bad'? like, i still feel a real tenderness for em & a real sympathy for eir point of view, even though this whole dynamic was arguably worse for me even than things with B—arguably precisely because i haven't closed myself off to sympathy for R? with B i now feel very comfortable saying, he was selfish & shitty & his entitlement led him to treat me/other partners unethically! but like, the kind of harm B caused was a kind of harm i'd long been used to (albeit not sexually), and learned how to accommodate; and so it didn't ultimately really throw me for a loop, because i was braced against it & because i was ultimately able to say, no, i condemn you, and having made my judgment i am done with you. whereas the kind of harm R caused me was new, and one i was particularly vulnerable to, and as i remain unable wholly to condemn it i remain unable wholly to purge it, even now—

so like, it would be nice to be able to stick a tidy concluding bow on this post; but you're going to have to settle for its breaking off abruptly & without resolution, because unfortunately, more than a year later, that's still the best i can do.

[heartbroken-ghost]

What the fuck is even the point in trying to get better? My life has really been no better than it was. I quit cutting and starving myself and purging and medications and got a new therapist I like and started talking to friends again and just ended up with the same bullshit I've always experienced. Why even try anymore, seriously?

My therapist doesn't want me working, disability doesn't pay enough for the cost of living here unless I want to live in fucking student housing when I'm not a student and I don't just want a tiny ass room, I don't seem to do better when I live on my own, I can't fucking drive right now or be sure that if I started again that it'd even work out well for me, I don't have friends I can live with, my therapist basically confirmed that my parents are abusive at least sometimes, if I don't move in with them I'm risking being homeless in the fucking brutal ass winter here, shelters are packed in the winter and I have too much stuff to move into one anyways and they only let you stay for a month at a time, my only other option where there isn't a waiting list was my friend's house but her mom is also on assistance so if I move in there she could lose money or both of us could, working could help somewhat but my new therapist is saying she doesn't think I should be working and so are my friends, my mom said she would want me to live with her but she's literally more abusive than my dad and my stepmom and loves to gaslight me constantly, rent continues to rise so I'm fucked, and literally I was at the point of being stable enough to clean fucking dishes and be keeping down my food while still losing weight in a healthy and actually unintentional way, one of my friends that probably would've let me stay with her died on my dad's birthday this year, a mutual friend her and I had is in the fucking hospital unable to even keep her meds down, my mom called me about her will and her dying is one of my worst fears (probably because how she used to threaten to kill herself if I left her house when I was a child) and also I feel like I broke this stupid unrealistic promise I made to myself as a child to fix or help her and I know she'll probably die with her and I being on somewhat shitty terms still, I've asked literally almost everybody I can think of to live with them and I can't, my heart is still broken from a guy I love that went back to his girlfriend and I'm not even sure if things I thought have been true this past year hasn't all just been some huge delusion of mine. Why try to get better when shit just keeps fucking happening? I'm 21, on disability for things my parents think are pretty much not even real or are just me exaggerating, I don't even know my actual limitations, like fuck man. I can't even talk or write without my brain being scattered as fuck and losing what I'm trying to say or my original point... This is just total shit man like I literally have no idea what to do and I don't even really want to post this but I just need to write this down somewhere where people I know won't see it so I can get this shit off my chest and I'm hoping that maybe one day I can just look back at this shit and it won't be an issue and that I'll be able to fucking survive. I just don't even see the point in trying anymore and I feel like I did the best I could or at least almost did. I don't even trust myself anymore or know what to believe.

I was in therapy for years to no avail, then tried healing on my own and got somewhere with it but man. I stopped working 3 years ago because I legitimately couldn't handle it anymore so I basically had a mental breakdown after working for 4 months, ended up in a psychiatric ward for 5 months (at which point my dad and stepmom said they couldn't really handle living with me anymore so:) then I moved into a grouphome, then I had my first manic psychotic episode where I set my fucking clothes on fire and went off a shit ton of meds, I moved in with my mom after then attempted suicide and almost died (sometimes I still just wish I had) and survived that, then started doing drugs because I felt so low I felt like I either had to start doing drugs or kill myself successfully (and I didn't want to risk putting my family and my damn self even through another failed one), I was in group therapy then fucking quit impulsively (at least I don't entirely regret that now), then I got clean after my friends and brother (I think with his ex Baylee as well) gave me an intervention and I quit crack cocaine cold turkey, I stopped cutting minus a small relapse last year when I lived with my mom (living with her always seems to end badly), and purging and meds (which I would intentionally overdose on last year), and I've been clean almost entirely from everything this year with the exception of ocassionally drinking and smoking cigarettes and doing 2 lines of coke once (I don't even remember if that was this year or last year at this point), I moved all the fuck over the place, lost my fucking cat (didn't entirely take proper care of him anyways so I guess it's fine? But I still miss him..), when I lived with my dad and stepmom again early this year after pretty much getting myself kicked out of my mom's for expressing discomfort, I tried to take a medication for aggression and symptoms of something like delirium and became overmedicated/had a negative reaction to the haldol, then moved into the apartment I now have to be out of within 2 months (if not less now) which had 2 fucking huge leaks that caused issues between my landlord and I (who just lost her mother recently and possibly also her father so her last priority is helping me which at this point I don't even really want her to do anyways because she's been pretty damn cool with me seeing as I couldn't pay for any damages), I've also never gotten sick this many times within a fucking year or so, can't seem to move on from a person I'll probably never actually get to be with because they love their current girlfriend too much and have been on and off with them for years and I scare them and might fucking be delusional anyways about them even saying they'd be with me (long story I'm not gonna get into if anybody is even reading this - like I said, I just need to vent).. It's just like fucking endless. What the fuck has 2019 even been other than an awful year AGAIN (love that! .... The passive aggression is real but anyways) like people say it gets better

But does it really?

I'd like to fucking see that happen. I thought it did and maybe I'm just having a negative filter and shit right now but I swear I'm just back in the exact same place I used to be.

I cry a little less at least and have a stable source of income and if I'm not delusional then at least I'm cared for (idk about loved but who knows anymore), and at least I lost weight and have a therapist I like a lot better than my previous ones

But like... man. I really don't blame myself at this point for still smoking cigarettes and at least I haven't been back to a psychiatric ward since last year. There's still improvement, just with all the fucking curveballs I've been thrown this year I'm not exactly steady by any means. When people have asked for the past couple of months how I'm doing I just say "could be better, could be worse" or "I don't know" and it still applies.

I just don't know or seem to understand almost anything anymore. Like how did it even get like this? All I've been fucking wanting is to heal and maybe it's just that it's not linear and I need to be more grateful but god damn, again I really don't blame myself.

I'm just at one of those points where recovery feels pointless and I feel hopeless.

My therapist said before that it's just depression clouding my judgement but man don't I have a right to feel like this after all of that? I think so. She'd (my therapist) probably agree but anyways I don't even really know what my point was. I'm just stressed, sad again and it feels lately like I'm exactly where I used to be. This is probably why I used to live according to the motto "hope for the best but expect the worst".

I just want to do and feel and be better.

[thetwistedrope]

I have another questioning regarding shadow work and self help etc, when you have time for it. I was wondering how to deal with things that are still really close to you. Or how to tell when enough time has passed for you to deal with something. I have a lot of issues with family for eg, and it's hard to move past them when I still have to deal with fam from time to time. I'm not sure how to deal with problems that are actively in my life.

So I’ve been staring at this for a few days trying to figure out if I actually have an answer for this, and the closest thing I can come up with is “carefully”. This feeds into the whole “recovery isn’t a straight line” and when it comes to active problems in one’s life, it can be really… challenging to make a lot of progress when you’re repeatedly being exposed to a problem.

To use family as an example, it was nearly impossible to work on issues dealing with them while I lived with them. In many ways, its like expecting you to be able to heal a torn meniscus when you refuse to stop walking on that leg. It’s hard to heal if you’re actively pouring salt in your wounds. You can’t heal if you keep ripping your stitches out.

So I guess the first thing I’d recommend is to give yourself space from whatever issue you need to work on. Or at least, space from whoever or whatever is causing the issue. This can be physical space, but also online space including places like social media. To use the family metaphor, you’d really only probably want to start heavily working on those issues once you’ve got some space from them. And I’d also say that this could be physical space, but also mental space. YOu need to be able to distance yourself at least a little bit from the situation in order to look at it objectively. If you try to work on something and it sets off a full blown depression/anxiety cycle, it’s going to be hard to make progress.

Sometimes I’ll think I’m ready to work on something and sit down and be prepared to mentally pick through it, only to find that it sets off my mental illnesses again. I usually will then step back for a while a try again later. Of course, there is usually a certain amount of anger and frustration and angry crying that I can’t just magically let something go and heal on command, but I also have to remember that healing works at its own time. If you’re just making it worse by poking at the wound, shift to something else that is more feasible and come back to it later.

And usually I do eventually come back to it later. Sometimes I’ll wake up one day and realize that wow, that thing I was upset about doesn’t bother me anymore. Almost like my mind was working on it in the background and I didn’t realize it.

But with that being said, sometimes I’ll think I’m over something, and then I’ll have another flare up with it later. Recovery isn’t a straight line, and healing isn’t necessarily permanent. The same way an old injury can flare up from time to time, so too can old traumas. So be prepared for that, and be ready to be gentle with yourself when it happens.

If you can find other people or prompts to help you heal, I think it’s beneficial. I found that writing things out was sometimes helpful for processing my thoughts and poking at things. Learning about how others have gone through similar experiences, as well as their reflections on what they experienced has helped me to overcome a lot of the gaslighting I’ve been through and helps me to feel more confident in my own perspective on a situation.

And all in all, most of my healing has been a sort of touch and go situation where I poke at things until I can’t anymore and then I focus on something else for a while. Then I come back to it and try again. I keep turning over situations in my head looking for things to learn, things I can work on, etc. But also looking for ways to not hurt myself anymore. To use family, I did this by unfollowing a lot of them on social media. I don’t go to a lot of family functions. I don’t actively pursue relationships with family members that actively hurt me. And that’s how I’ve learned to cope with a lot of that trauma. I actively avoid situations that could set it off again, and have learned how to buffer my mental health when such situations can’t be avoided.

Also, as an aside, I’ve found that with healing, esp. when it comes to family, be prepared for bridges to possibly burn. Many families are dysfunctional, and they like it that way. And when people who have undergone a lot of trauma or abuse at the hands of their family members start to heal and start to set up healthy boundaries for themselves, family members get mad and push back. You will possibly have to eventually make some hard choices about whether it’s worth keeping that sort of thing in your life or not. Some people are able to make it work with their family after they’ve healed, some aren’t. There is no right or wrong answer, but I wanted to give you full disclosure that this is a common thing, and to be prepared for it if and when it happens. It’s not meant to scare you or discourage you, inasmuch as prepare you and give you the ability to factor this possibility into your healing/coping strategies.

So I guess the TL;DR is that I:

Only work on things when I have time and space for them

Only work on things when I’m not actively setting off more mental illness than I can handle. Making more trauma isn’t healing.

When I’m in too deep to work on something, I’ll put it on the back burner and focus on something else. Sometimes it comes back around and heals on its own. Sometimes I just have to pick it up later and try again.

Move slowly, be prepared to start and stop with healing. Be prepared for backpedaling or flare-ups, because they happen.

If you need to bring in outside help, do so.

Aim for making changes to your life that help to prevent more trauma from occurring, or to help you cope with trauma that you can’t avoid.

idk if that helps or feels like a repeat of the last ask, but that’s the best I can think of for this.

[agent6o6]

5/29/2021

TW: This is just me ranting here, but there are mentions of the previous president, toxic relationships, gaslighting, guilt-tripping, sexual intimacy, swearing, food, George Floyd (very brief), BLM, etc. If I missed anything, please feel free to let me know, I'm still learning what triggers people :)

Good Evening!

I'm doing a lot better today. I still have thoughts of my future and where I'll end up, but I know I'll be okay. I know I have time, but sometimes it just feels like it's moving so fast that I can't keep up.

I hope someday I'll look back on this and wonder what I was so worried about. I know it probably seems very dumb, looking at the outside in, but I can't help the things I worry about, and neither can you, and that's okay ^^

I still have been thinking about my future partner though. I've only been in one relationship in my short time here and after almost a year being out of it (it was a 7-year relationship, so it was very hard at first) I'm slowly realizing things that happened that I wish I recognized as borderline abusive when I was first in it. The first few years were the 'honeymoon' phase and I was just so blinded by having a partner that I guess I didn't realize how bad it was going to be. There were red flags everywhere. But you know what they say, red flags look like normal flags when you're wearing rose-colored glasses.

I'm going to call them J for now.

We were very different but very similar at the same time. At the time, I never cared that their opinions on things were different than mine because I wanted to be mature about it. But things came to a head these last few years thanks to the orange cult leader we know as Trump. J wholeheartedly believed that this man had done nothing wrong. They victim-blamed all of the women that came forward about the abuse they experienced and just... I don't know. It's appalling that I still dealt with that for so long.

The first red flag that I blatantly ignored, was I asked them if we had a child that was part of the LGBTQ, what would they do? J (without hesitating) said that they would not love them and try to change them. They did not want their kid to go to Hell when they died and wanted to be with them in heaven. This was the 2nd year we dated, and I just thought that was okay??? I'd also like to add, this was before I started to question my sexuality and who I liked. J still doesn't know that I'm Panromantic and probably Pansexual too. I just know that J would "try to change my ways".

The second was probably that I admitted that I didn't believe in God and they just continuously started pushing it into our lifestyle.

J also told their father about what I had done to protest Trump's actions, KNOWING that J's dad would be so up my ass about it. They told their dad about how I supported BLM and how I had reserve tickets to his rally just to not go in front of me. I was on the couch, watching TV with their family and J just decided to bring that up, like it was a fucking conversation starter. Their dad started berating me calling me a communist and a N**i and a fascist and a bunch of other things that I blocked out. And they just stood there. Not defending me or anything. They didn't care about my feelings. They didn't give one shit about them. It was very clear at that moment. So I just left them there. They could figure out how to get home. We didn't live far, their parents could bring them home. I drove there after all.

The sad part? I didn't break up with J until almost a year later. I stuck with them for so long after going through so much mental abuse that I didn't know what love was.

I was also going to participate in a BLM peaceful protest with people from our small conservative town. We ended up canceling because the townspeople threatened us with guns and J said that was perfectly justified. Like, what the actual fuck??

J had always told me that I was stupid and it made them mad whenever I needed extra validation that day. I always asked, "Do you still love me?" "Are you mad at me?" etc etc because their actions didn't make me feel loved. I felt like I was the only one who tried and kept us going.

My love language is gift-giving, so whenever I went to the store to get groceries (which they refused to go with me whenever I did because they hated going with me and made it known that they disliked it whenever I begged them to come with me), I always made it a part of the trip to get J something as well. A small gift, like a booster pack or ever their favorite snack. I always made dinners with stuff that J liked and purposefully didn't get anything that I liked but they didn't (they were a VERY picky eater). But I got almost nothing in return. I didn't mind it much until I realized that I had done so much for this person for almost nothing in return. I cooked the dinners, I offered to pay for the meal, etc. They had also guilt-tripped me into doing sexual favors for them all the time, KNOWING that I had sexual trauma and was not ready for it / didn't feel comfortable doing it at the time.

Whenever I did get gifts, it was either something that I had to point out, "Hey, you should get me that for -insert holiday here-" or I would have to pay half of it.

It is also disappointing to look back at previous journal entries I have and seeing how much I thought that I was the one at fault. I'm the one with anger issues, I'm the one who is not perfect, they are. We would argue about things a lot. Whenever my bottle would explode from the day's events and J just didn't help anything at all. They would constantly tell me that I made no sense and that I was the bad guy. (Just now realizing that that is literally gaslighting, great). And yeah, I'll admit, sometimes I would blow up at them for no reason. I was an angry person and sometimes I just wanted someone to listen, but J just flat out refused and told me to turn to the bible for help. I'm not a perfect person, and they knew that, but I feel like they didn't make an effort to help me the way I helped them all the time. I let them rant all the time about their job, their siblings, etc. While I was just a complainer and needed to 'lighten up, shit happens.'

J was out of a job for almost a year, so I had not treated myself to anything that entire time because I was the 'breadwinner' of the household. They wanted to start writing stories that they came up with and I was 100% on board. I helped them flesh out some of their ideas and put in my 2 cents every now and then. I wanted them to succeed, I wanted J to do what they wanted so bad. But they wouldn't do anything. it was always 'I don't feel like it" "I'll do it tomorrow". Somehow I let it slide. I let J buy new games all the time so that they were entertained while I was at work even though I knew we needed that money for rent and food. It wasn't until late 2019 that I finally broke down and told them that they needed to find a job. I was exhausted from the stress and I just wanted to feel safe knowing that I didn't have to worry about food. I felt so wrong telling them what to do and when they needed to do it, but it needed to happen.

The reason why I finally left J, was because of a friend I made online. We had met while I was playing OW and we started talking. I call them D.

D and I instantly clicked. We talked all the time and just had fun talking and BSing about just random shit. It was really nice. It wasn't until one day that we were talking, that I had asked D, how they felt about their partner asking for extra validation. I don't like putting people on the spot like that, but they made me feel so valid. They said that they didn't quite understand where I was coming from, but that if their partner felt like they needed it, D would gladly tell them that they were okay and that nothing was wrong. D wanted to give them that extra validation. They told me that there was nothing wrong with needing someone to tell you that everything was okay.

That's when I started realizing that things were not okay with J and me. Something was not right with the relationship we were in. Though I still stayed, hoping everything would fix itself. That August, we got into a huge fight because J was "concerned about what I was sharing and posting on Facebook" about George Floyd. I was sharing things like how police are not the judge, jury, and executioner and how George should not have died that day, no matter what the situation was. J talked to their family before coming to me about it, which I felt very conflicted about. We didn't talk for about a week before J asked me if I still loved them. At the time, I don't know if I did, but I wanted things to work out. I wanted to stay in this relationship even if my heart and mind were talking to me that I shouldn't. We ended up breaking up that day but got back together. After that, I just was not emotionally available. I didn't want any kind of affection from J and 5 days before my birthday, I called it off. J moved out that week.

Ever since then, certain moments came into my head and I realized that I deserved better. I have no intention of getting back together even though J wanted to try again in about a year. I know I deserve better than them, I know I do. It's just upsetting that it took 7 years to realize that.

If you take anything from this, please don't let toxic people into your life. They will knock you down again and again until there's nothing to come back to.

TL;DR My ex is very toxic and I didn't realize until our 7-year relationship was over.

This turned out to be me just ranting about my previous relationship, I'm sorry. I just don't have many people to talk to about it and I don't want people to think that I'm still obsessed with them (maybe I'm not IDK, I did just write a fucking essay on their shitty behavior).

Until next time Space Cowboys :)

-Agent 606, signing off-

~You're gonna carry that weight