#idk rambling journal entry

[trans-stew]

starting to realize I'm going to have to work on climbing the government worker ladder if I ever want to be able to afford top surgery or minor ffs things.

I wonder how hard it is to get in on federal work with no specialty work experience.... I mean 2 or 3 years of struggle as I'm at rn, pay off my car, then try for a fed job.

my goal is the better pay and mandated pay raises and job security. plus maybe I'd be able to bully their insurance into covering trans stuff? my current job is like... they don't know I'm trans. the insurance doesn't know I'm trans. and it's literally illegal for my insurance to cover trans stuff because Florida is a trans hell zone legally, but federal insurance should maybe be able to cover it?

only thing I can think of otherwise is going public sector and trying to get into a tech support role somewhere but their industry is kinda imploding right now and I've got no experience so 🤷‍♀️

[umemiyan]

idk if i'm actually writing any more often than i previously was, but it feels like it—or at least feels a little bit easier—and i'm rather pleased with that alone

i know i'm not cranking out full-length multichap fics or anything like that, but even just being able to drabble or whatever once or maybe twice a week feels like such an improvement. i'm able to at least turn some of my thoughts into something tangible instead of letting them all get lost to the chaotic void, and that's so much more satisfying. i don't feel like i'm struggling as much to put the little pieces or sequences together either, no matter how simple.

[wereh0gz]

Hm

What if I made Rue's journal

[lifenconcepts]

????????

[snailvibes]

Thinking about. Warren’s role in Max’s Nightmare Sequence.

[justthingsiwrote]

listening to my mother complaining about my grandmother while american country music plays in the background.....ouuu the true sounds of childhood

[unorganisedalienrubbish]

I feel like im living in the in between spaces, in between frames of life, so to speak. I see the flashing of fluorescent lights, the humming of electricity, see every moment before it happens.

I feel like I’ve lived 40 years in the space of 20. My bones are old. I’ve done twice as many days at school, failed twice as many times, and picked myself up just the same.

Or maybe everything is twice as hard for me.

I wonder how many lifetimes my soul has seen. How many times it’s lived this cycle of abuse. Having realised it’s grown into its mother with the fury of its father boiling inside it. How many wars it’s won and lost. How many lovers it’s kissed and loved and lost.

I wonder if that’s why it’s all so difficult this time around.

My soul is tired. Fabric worn thin, pale and frayed from lifetimes of use and repair.

My mother told me that I couldn’t be fixed. That no matter how I tried, no matter how many doctors I saw and meds I took. I would never be fixed. And she might be right.

And I think I’m a little afraid of that. That this is all I have left.

[a-passing-storm]

I am strongly considering doing my nightly journal entries in Latin, since I have been terrible about maintaining my Latin knowledge, and I haven't really been sticking to my planned Thirty Minutes Of Relearning A Day thing.

[delphictrip]

01.05.2024 the world is on fire and i want to die

today, i learned about the union carbide chemical plant disaster in Bhopal, India. a disaster that happened nearly 40 years ago, and is still destroying lives today. it makes me want to die. i don't want to live in a world like this. i want to change it but i feel powerless. and that is by design, i know that is by design that i feel powerless. i'm really depressed sometimes and i kind of fight that off as… maybe it's adhd, i've been saying it's adhd for forever. not sure what's real, i just feel hollow and numb with all the violence in the world. palestine. sudan. india. usamerica. south america. argentina. canada. people are suffering the world around and there's very little i feel i can do. emailed my congresswoman a personal letter, not one of the preformatted ones about Palestine, but she didn't reply. i believed in her when i voted for her. my husband was right. she doesn't care, she is going to uphold the status quo and toe the party line and the party line is genocide denial. we have covid right now. i'm technically cleared to go back out into the world with a mask. i'm not getting my holiday pay because i was out sick the day after new years. my husband has come down with it. i talked him into going to the doctor and getting a note and meds. the doctor gives him today and yesterday of work with the understanding that his weekend is tomorrow, sunday, and monday, so he should be good to go back to work on tuesday. work is calling him in tomorrow. i want to scream at them. i want to scream at the owners of dow chemical company. i want to scream at mary peltola. i want to scream at president biden. i want to scream at the CEO of every fortune 500 company ever. i want to scream at my boss for refusing to give me my holiday pay on the grounds that i have the fucking plague. i want to scream at the unfairness of it all until the world changes, but i am sure i would become hoarse and i don't think i would accomplish very much. i want to scream at the mayor of my city for his response to the housing crisis. (the response is letting people die of exposure btw. and the suggestion to ship our homeless to warmer places. that's the response.) i want to scream at every single person who has ever made a decision to put profit over the lives of innocent people. like the people of Bhopal, the people of Palestine, the indigenous peoples of north america, the people of Sudan, the workers whose lives are lost in preventable accidents, my heart is screaming for the world is on fire and i alone cannot put it out.

[isahebec]

Why do things the ''right'' way? When you can do them YOUR way?

Break the social norm. Think outside the box. Dance to the beat of your own drum. Add an ingredient to something you usually wouldn't. Be weird.

Then you will be free from the heavy chains that life brings. Things will start to feel lighter and finally form into place. Stay true to you.

[randomwords247]

Its really surreal coming back to a piece of media such as a song that you haven't for a while, and last heard when in a much worse emotional state.

Remembering what it was like to feel that way, that some part of you still does, and yet it makes you recognise just how far you've come since then and how much things have changed

That while there are still bad times and bad things in your life, things really aren't as hopeless as they certainly seemed back then, and how much you've changed and kept going.

[trans-stew]

on Fridays at work we have little games we play in the last 15min. today was cup stacking and the reward was going home early (I won on my 2nd try!)

but while I was waiting for my timer to start I got called she so many times and so easily and naturally by my coworkers who don't really know me and idk it was like, a kinda realization moment. random people see me even with greasy hair and a dysphoria hoodie and they see some kind of girl? even with my (to my ears at least) clockable voice and my hands and my build, most cis people just..... overlook that?

idk I won my freedom from work 10min early, got a ton of unexpected gender affirmation, and it's a 3 day weekend:)

[the-hermit-witch]

i know this blog has been mostly dead for a while but i really want to get back to practice more. the thing is when i started practicing it felt like truly finding myself, i had gone through a major change, and i genuinely felt like i was reborn as a person, and while that was going on i really built my practice and rituals and they felt like a celebration of my new-found peace. then as time went on and this things became more and more important for me i also started sharing it with someone, which made my practice even more joyous. the real problem is that as life became busier my practice became something i mainly found time for when i was with this person, which at the time felt great, but life happens and this person and i are no longer speaking. and ever since that connection started to fall apart so did my own relationship with my own practice. ever since then i have felt the absence of the comfort practicing even in small ways but i have not been able to reconnect. i have also changed a lot as a person, but compared to when i first started to practice seriously i feel like an half-formed thing at the moment. I am changed and i know much better some aspects of myself but at the same time i am very much a blob of unidentified chaos. i am learning how to appreaciate my new unidentified self, not being fix, not being fully understandable even too myself, but what it entails is that if i were to pick up practicing i would have to start from scratch, and for some reason that scares me. that's mainly because i have been lacking focus and time in the past few years, or at least that's what i told myself, so figuring out a new way of practicing right now seems like a lot of work. but i also feel like that could help. idk if it's just the fact that we are very close to samhain and despite losing habits i still write down celebration dates in my agenda, but i feel like i should find a way to slowly start this journey again.

[lyfewhatlife]

2024.08.26 9.58pm

What kind of unhealthy coping mechanism and/or unhealthy habit when someone's under stress people have? I have these two unhealthy coping mechanisms slash habits when I'm under prolong high amount of stress. One, impulse shopping, this cause me all sort of bad financial decisions and I'm still paying for it. Two, the one that I'm still trying to figure out why and how to deal with, is not eating. There are occasions where I do feel hungry but I feel so drained even eating feels like a chore, even the idea of chewing food is troublesome. But often time, I don't even feel hungry. At the worst, there were a long periode of time where I would only eat a snickers for lunch and that's it for the whole day. Even that one bar of snickers took me so much effort to eat and I only ate it cause I know I need to. Then when anxiety got into the mix, I'd feel nauseous too whenever I eat. I think I'm in a better space now so this doesn't happen often or in prolong periode of time, but there are still days that I just don't feel like eating. I try my best to eat cause I know not eating is bad for me, but ofc there are days it's hard to do so. Idek what I'm rambling on about and what I wanna do in writing this. But yea, it just suddenly popped up in my mine 30mins ago and bothering me that I can't sleep.

[catloverkid00]

I'm thinking about food, eating, and how controlling your own meals is a huge party of bodily autonomy

I just made my dinner and I have some thoughts

being able to choose what you eat is important, but I want to look beyond that a little bit to they other parts of a meal

when I was a child my parents would get upset with me for putting too many crackers into my soup. we were poor and to them it seemed like I was wasting food, dispite the fact that I always finished the crackers I got out.

today I made my soup and put in an entire packet of crackers, the whole sheath! I buy my groceries so my cans of soup and sheaths of crackers always line up because I know how many crackers I want in my soup and yes it's a lot

in this way, doing my own grocery shopping contributed to my autonomy because I always know what I have available and I can buy things I want to eat

I don't have a nice "moral of the story" to end this with, but I think we should remember that there's more to autonomy than choosing what you eat. and there are people out there, children and adults, who find themselves restricted in hundreds of little ways which can tear at their sense of autonomy