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thechangeling · 4 years ago

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Ok so a conversation @littlx-songbxrd and I were having made me remember something I was ranting about to a friend of mine once.

Brace yourselves this is going to be long. I'm sorry.

The sexism, homophobia and racism of the shadoworld straight up doesn't make sense and here's why. So if we start chronologically with the infernal devices. There is sexism towards Charlotte right? People don't want her running the institute and they don't want her becoming the consul because she is a woman. But the Clave has no problem letting women train and fight. This doesn't really make sense in my opinion.

Now you could argue that it's because they believe woman can be string capable fighters just not rational thinkers. Which is weird because in my experience you don't meet a lot of people who are "partially sexist" in that way. Like if a man believes a woman can't do high profile, high paying jobs then they usually also don't want them in the military. Anyways moving on, there aren't any mentions of homophobia in TID, mostly because they're arent any queer characters except Magnus and Woolsey.

But something interesting to point out is that none of the characters who know about Magnus and Woolsey ever comment on it really. And following this point, none of the mains display any signs of misogyny either really. (Except for what Will says to Tessa at the end of CA but that was because of the "curse.") You could argue that this is because they're the protagonists so they are supposed to be better then that. But accidental microaggressions are pretty common especially during that time period. More on that later.

Moving onto racism, this is the interesting part. Jem says to Tessa that shadowhunters believe that you are a shadowhunter first and your nationality or eace second. Actually Jem doesnt mention race but he says this while talking about being half Chinese so it's kinda relevant. Shadowhunters rarely tall about race throughout the books in general except for a few instances. When Jessamine criticizes Jem to Tessa, she calls him a foreigner and says some other racist shit that I can't really remember. Something about the yin fin and calling him lazy. That directly contradicts Jem's statement about them all being shadowhunters first. Also Will and Jem actually constantly talk about being Welsh and Chinese in the books so that statement is kinda bogus in general.

And if CC didn't want her mains being sexist or homophobic to show them as good people then why was it ok for both Jesse and Gabriel to say questionable shit about Jem? Anyways moving on to TLH. Sexism is still running rampid with their cultural customs and people being shitty about Charlotte being consul. Bots have to ask the girls to dance, girls cannot have sex before marriage or else they will be ruined or whatever you know the drill. But again, they let the girls fight. Cordelia is allowed to carry around a giant ass sword but she can't get some????

IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE CASSANDRA!!!!!

Sorry I'm losing it. Anyways. Regarding racism. Alastair and Cordelia have experienced micro aggressions from the mains (Matthew and Anna) but it's never addressed. I'm pretty sure if memory serves, the inquisitor makes a nasty comment under his breath about persians when the Carstairs family sans Elias arrive. And then we have the whitewashing of Ariadne/Kamala by her parents.

But none of this stuff ever gets brought up really. Exceot for Kamala talking about her past and who she was before and sharing her original name, but she still doesn't talk about how it effects her potential coming out. Alastair doesnt mention race when he talks about the bullying he went through at the academy and none of the white characters ever stop to think about how Kamala and Alastsir's races play a part in their crappy situations.

There's probably more I could discuss with this but I'm moving on to homophobia. It's a thing in terms of the heteronormativity and people's judgement of Anna but it's not illegal like in mundane societies at this time. But all of the mains are totally cool with it which brings me to, I'm sorry but fucking bullshit! There is no way every single adult would be totally fine with it in this time period. Like I'm not saying outright homophobia but maybe some questionable comments you know? (CC is perpetuating this idea that good people never commit microaggressions which is untrue and harmful.)

I don't think there's any mention of whether or not gay marriage is allowed in the shadowhunter world at this point. Because the issues surrounding Magnus and Alec getting married were about Magnus being a warlock right? Because Helen and Aline got married before them in TFTSA because she was only half fae. So that brings me to when was gay marriage legalized in the shadow world?????

Is there any mention of this because I don't think there is? Anyways moving onto TMI. This is where everything goes to absolute shit in terms of world building with the standards for these things. Misogyny isn't really a problem in tmi anymore from what I remember. Nobody has issues with Jia as consul (from what I remember,) and that's that. But homophobia is still rambid throughout shadowhunter society so much so that Alec is terrified to come out because he believes that he can't be gay and be a shadowhunter in peoples eyes. Also there is pressure to "carry on the family name" which doesn't make sense because if the sexism has died out then women can have babies with whoever and not even be married and carry on their family line. And not everyone needs to have children, ergo there is less pressure on the sons to carry on the family name or whatever. This also doesn't make sense because homophobia literally cannot exist without sexism!!!!

This is because of colonial gender roles being forced on society. And men being with men and women being with woman totally smashes the whole gender roles, "woman do this and men do that" idea. There's more that I could say on that but this is already so freaking long so please just look it up. And speaking of gender roles it's literally mentioned that Maryse didn't teach Izzy to cook because she didn't want her to be forced into a housewife role like she was (although there's no evidence to suggest she was?) But then Maryse is lowkey homophobic?

It doesn't make sense Cassandra!!!!!

CC doesn't get that you literally don't have homophobia or transphobia without sexism. Indigenous societies pre-colonization didn't care about any of that stuff. Literally two spirit people were revered and respected and no one gave a fuck about gender until my ancestors literally came along and ruined everything. (I'm so sorry.)

But anyways there's no mentions of racism amongst the shadowhunters in tmi. Just Maia talking about her experiences with mundane society as a black girl. When Clary confronts Valentine and basically calls him a n*zi, he laughs at her and basically says that shadowhunters don't see race the way mundanes do which yikes @ CC. Granted this was 2007. This kind of sounds like what Jem said in TID. Only it clearly wasnt true.

Anyways I'm just super confused at this point. In TDA there was basically nothing in terms of all the isms and phobias. (Oh we arent even discussing ableism because my fucking head will explode!) But we do discuss transphobia a bit with Diana. But again it doesn't make fucking sense because transphobia exists because of sexism and clear gender roles (and homophobia.)

Society is still shown to be pretty heteronormative though which I guess makes sense but the Blackthorns have multiple queers in their family! You would think that they would be less so. When Livvy mentions all the reasons that Annabel could have a forbidden love she doesnt even think to mention that it could be a lesbian relationship. When Mark finds out that Jaime was in Dru's room he freaks out but I guarentee you, he wouldn't have if Jaime was a girl. I mean you could argue that it's an age thing and not a gender thing but idk. That scene always bothered the fuck out of me. Because Mark is literally half fae like why is he caught up on bullshit "boys and girls can't just be friends" hetero bullshit.

In QOAAD we see Dane Larksoear being sexist so randomly for no reason. Like it's so strange because CC literally created a caricature of a sexist villian with him. And it makes no sense because no one else seems to feel the way he does. Like Zara is basically the leader of the cohort right? And nobody gives a fuck. It makes no damn sense Cassandra!

And finally, why is the faerie world sexist with gender roles WHEN EVERYONE IS LITERALLY BISEXUAL AND THEY'RE FAERIES CASSANDRA!!!???? THEY'RE LITERALLY FAERIES WHY IS THERE A CONCEPT OF GENDER AT ALL CASSANDRA????!!!!

Ok lol now I'm done. Sorry this is so long. But yeah I'm so confused.

Tldr: CC's world building in regards to sexism, homophobia, racism and transphobia is very inconsistent and contradictory and it makes no damn sense.

#tsc #tda #the dark artifices #tlh #twp #the wicked powers #the last hours #tmi #tid #tw mentions of transphobia #tw mentions of racism #tw mentions of homophobia #tw mentions of sexism #anti cc #long post

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mrs-nate-humphrey · 3 years ago

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What do you feel about amandamaryanna’s video on gossip girl and cosplaying poor? It reminds me of those tik tok videos that are about the most insane rich person behavior you’ve experienced. I feel like it’s subjective because the characters Dan Vanessa and Zoya are basing their poor ness around THEIR environment. So yes, there are MANY people who are actually poor but compared to their UES counterparts they would be considered “poor” due to the fact that they do not have the insane amount of disposable wealth that the other characters have and I do not really see that as them trying to cosplay as poor.

Also what are your thoughts on her argument on GG not really talking about class consciousness and POC issues. Even though the characters Ursula, Jane and Raina had short appearances on the show, as a Black person I think that is was great that they added the few POC characters on GG because their identity was not the main focus of their characters. Usually with Black or POC characters they have to go through some racial turmoil as part of the plot and in GG they got to be rich UES-ers simply because they are. Even though GG is very verryy flawed Penelope, Nelly, Kati, Isabelle and Zoe were shown how POC characters can be rich like the white characters in the show as well GG is obviously a fictional show that’s not based on anything so I don’t think that racial income statistics/racial implications need to be talked about 24/7.

so i started watching this video & just ended up reading the transcript instead. anyway. under a read more:

like, yes. i agree with her on one hand - i think gossip girl 2007 messed up by making dan's grievances be connected to financial status, because the humphreys certainly weren't "poor". like i think this point she says makes sense to an extent:

The comparison between outsiders and insiders and gossip girl is all about relativity. To the average viewer it seems absurd that a character like Dan is supposed to represent the outsider when he is so farther in than any of us could get.

But honestly, something i hate is how people who talk about this show act as if everyone who's watching is expected to know the prices of rent in new york city, etc. like i did NOT realise how expensive that loft is until someone else mentioned it to me and i would not have guessed! who is your "average viewer" - is it an American? someone who lives in New York? someone who lives in Brooklyn? you can't just define an average viewer in that way, i feel! like you are making a BIG Assumption there and it's not necessarily accurate. people who aren't american watch american tv! such is the world we are living in.

but keeping that aside, yeah: dan and jenny had stable and secure housing, the guarantee of meals, and were attending expensive private schools, so i think the show's messaging regarding class was a little strange. they definitely weren't in a financially unstable situation.

but also, you're right. like, dan and jenny weren't super duper broke, and at no point do they actually act like they are, tbh. dan is very 'oh my parents sacrificed so much to send me to st jude's' and jenny is very 'damn i wish i was richer' but there isn't really an instance where the humphreys seem to view themselves as being extremely poor, that i remember at least. in s1, jenny says something along the lines of, "we're humphreys; we're not exactly royalty." and like. she is not wrong! they're financially stable kids, but they're ordinary kids living in an environment where everyone else has the safety net of millionnaire parents to fall back on, and however much money rufus has, he isn't that.

so i think it's a grey area, like, YES, the humphreys have wealth related privilege (i don't know if this can be said for v, because honestly we don't know much about her living situation, but we do know that she works as a waitress for a bit in s1, and also that she's homeschooled, so she isn't shelling out big $$ for school fees.) but also dan and jenny are treated as 'less than' because they are considered nobodies.

and i feel like THAT is the angle the show should have taken. not "i am oppressed because i am not rich" but rather, "everyone at school alienates me and treats me different and it's making things so difficult for me." whenever people say that dan and jenny acted like they were more oppressed than they actually were i'm like. they were both, in different ways, made to feel small and insecure and hopeless, at school? like of COURSE they're gonna feel victimised. dan is treated like he doesn't exist, and jenny is treated so horribly that i don't even have an adjective. like. i think the writing of the show would've been much stronger if it had focused on THAT and not made it a class thing.

i haven't watched the reboot beyond ep02, so i'm not gonna comment on that.

so yeah, i don't think it was 'cosplaying poor' as much as it was 'showing wealth related stuff extremely inaccurately.' like an anon told me, portraying nyu as community college is super inaccurate, as well. and it makes no sense? like i don't know why they had to do this and why they couldn't just... shoot at a regular community college. gossip girl 2007 did not care for representing poor people at all, like, if you watch the show you can tell that it just luxuriates in this aesthetic of like: more food than anybody can eat at every meal. so many luxuries. unnecessarily expensive things everywhere. like the show was very much luxury porn. to me it felt like it wasn't cosplaying poor as much as it was offering people a chance to wank off to the rich. & maybe because of that, the humphreys weren't allowed to be poorer. gg 2007 wasn't supposed to represent all of NY, it was supposed to represent the uber rich elite. and then you have dan and jenny humphrey, and vanessa abrams. they weren't allowed to be rich, because we needed a class conflict. but they weren't allowed to be poor, either, because this show was all about rich people aesthetics. so we got something weird & in the middle instead.

people forget that chuck was canonically a billionnaire - like, that is a LOT of money. and he is dan & jenny's peer! sadly, i think solely because of THAT, a lot of the oppression the humphreys face... checks out. like chuck being shitty to both dan and jenny - he' has an unethical, absurd, uncomparable-to-whatever-the-humphreys-have amount of money. he can do whatever he wants & buy his way out of there. rufus humphrey's ten thousand dollars or whatever amount he mentions are like pocket change to that guy. if jenny is gonna be treated like a commodity by everyone around her, do her upper middle class roots and expensive loft really matter? well, not do they matter as much as like. can they protect her? (we've watched the show. we know the answer is no.)

re: the characters of colour... i think it's subjective. i ADORE raina, and honestly, if we'd had a NJBC that was nate, serena, blair & raina, the show would've actually been AMAZING. like raina was such a cool character to me - i liked that she was driven, passionate, intelligent, sensitive, caring, fun-loving, thoughtful.... she wasn't on the show for long, but her character felt really solid and fleshed out. i remember a review (idk who wrote this one) in which someone felt that raina's character was "lazy" because a lot of her traits and her backstory paralleled chuck, but i strongly disagree. on raina, those traits were interesting. on chuck, any backstory and larger motive felt like a carpet to cover the dust that was his predatory nature, and to me, felt forced and off. like. this dude assaulted people, i don't care about his daddy issues. but raina seemed SO amazing. her backstory actually fit her personality and gave her depth, and to me, didn't feel forced.

i liked ursula, too! she was a really minor character, but she had a whole arc, and i liked that a LOT. her friendship with serena was very cute! i sadly do not remember jane. i think she was... someone's assistant? but i don't remember who. but i agree with you about raina and ursula, their arcs were very interesting and did not end up being about racial trauma & all that, which, like you said, is refreshing when done right.

that said, i think blair's minions were, uh, an example of blair's racism, and i think it would've been cool if the show unpacked that. blair uses her minions as a status symbol - her 17th birthday at kati's place which is anime themed (?) leaves a bad taste in my mouth because it feels very tokenising of a culture that blair isn't a part of? it would be different if blair treated her minions with respect and dignity and like they were her equals and peers, but she doesn't. the word "minions" itself makes me flinch because it's such a "oh you're inferior" kind of word. it felt to me very much like - they never got to be characters in their own right. they solely existed to prop up blair. and i think that is racist. there was a sense of "Oh, I can't be racist! I have a Black friend and an Asian friend" from Blair - like that's what kati & is were to her. and i think that is a big problem, especially glossed over like that.

i also do think that racial stuff doesn't always need to be the focus! but i don't think it can ever be completely ignored, either. an example of something that is maybe unintentionally racist, but racist nonetheless, is how dan cuts vanessa out of his life entirely but forgives his white friends for treating him farrrr worse. it's an inherent double standard, because dan kind of went "oh yeah. my threshold for white people fucking me over is really high, but if my Black best friend who's so close we're practically family does something even slightly wrong i'm going to cut her out of my life 4ever." did the writers realise this? i don't know. maybe they just didn't think about it. but this is exactly the sort of double standards and racist bullshit that woc, especially Black women, have to face irl (though of course i don't need to tell you that at all), except here, the narrative doesn't even address that, hey, maybe dan's being a dick by reacting this way. and i think that's a problem, too.

#long post #meta #racism #anti blair waldorf #(for tags)#anti gossip girl #ok 2 rb i GUESS #and if any poc want to add something more or correct me please do #ditto the class stuff - i am not american #and really just working with context clues

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regular-lord-reckoner · 4 years ago

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just kind of need to vent some fears i have right now throwing this into the void style but

i know i desperately need to start therapy, have for a long time but i think i’ve realized this week why it scares me so much

it’s not that i’m so much afraid of sitting down and talking about...well, everything, but it’s that i fear my life getting better

i fear growing and healing and being happier because i don’t know what i’ll do when the next inevitable tragedy happens

i’m scared it’ll undo all my hard work or hit me ten times harder

i’m scared i’ll meet new people or even fall in love (fat chance) and something will go horribly wrong

after all, my parents both had pretty shitty lives for a long time but finally found happiness it seemed like and then...bam, worst fucking thing imaginable

and i get that that’s...life. i get that nobody gets to be happy and only ever be happy and i get that horrible things can happen to anyone at any time, regardless of whether they’ve happened before but i dunno

it just seems...safer this way?

like yeah, i’m deeply miserable and can’t wait to die but isn’t that better than actually enjoying life for a second only to be body slammed back into misery?

what if life’s got even more fucked up shit in store for me and i do all this goddamn work to overcome my trust issues and abandonment issues and just...all of it and then i just have something happens that’s almost as bad as the worst thing that’s ever happened to me?

i guess that’s...childish of me? stupid of me? silly and irrational? but i don’t know how to not feel that way when a massive part of my problem is that one day i woke up to a suicide by someone that promised me they’d always be there for me.

i already feel like i walk on eggshells all the time and am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop

if i hear a loud noise downstairs i don’t think, “oh, someone probably dropped something” or even just “what was that?” i think “dead. they’re dead. someone just died and you’re going to have to see it”

and even with all of that aside like...what life am i even supposed to have?

my parents need me. my dad’s old and has a lot of health problems so i’ve been taking on even more responsibilities around the house and that’s only going to increase the older he gets

their relationship has...deteriorated. it’s not constant fighting but it’s been enough that it’s also got me on high alert and i’ve had to intervene several times because i don’t want either of them to say some shit that’s going to really hurt the other and i also just don’t want them yelling at each other

i genuinely worry about what would happen if i were to move out, i feel sometimes like i’m the only thing holding this all together and like...yeah, that’s not really fair to me but at the same time too...i would have ended my shit a long time ago had it not been for them so i feel like...what choice do i have but to stay? might as well, right?

if i’m too chicken shit to get better because i’m scared it’ll all fall apart anyway then i might as well just stay stagnant and stay here and just take care of them and try to keep the peace as long as i can and whenever they’re eventually gone i figure if life’s okay i’ll just ride it out until the end but if not...well.

idk. i know that the obvious answers are here and i know what anyone or any therapist would say if i were to say these things. that i need to just get over this and learn to want to live my life for myself and not worry as much about what’ll happen because that’s not my responsibility

but i feel like i already let down one person i really loved in the worst way so i owe to my family to do this, to stay here and to help out however i can

and yeah, it’s not ideal but it’s at least the devil i know so it feels better than the alternative

the downside is i know it’s going to cost me everything else

i know nobody wants a fucking sad sack who won’t get her shit together and isn’t going anywhere in life

i know i offer little to nothing because i can barely muster up the energy to be enthusiastic about my own interests and just generally speaking i suck

yeah, i’m good for a laugh here or there but apart from that? that’s about it

i can’t seem to form any hobbies or do any activities that might be fun because trying new things makes me suicidal as shit when it’s supposed to be like...fun, but it’s not

i feel like all i ever do is bitch and moan and nobody likes that, that gets old really fucking fast and i know that

i don’t blame anyone for giving up on me or losing hope because i did this to myself and nobody but me can get myself out of this and well...i don’t know if i can or if it’s even worth it

so i just...don’t really know what to do

and maybe this is just my very bad brain at the moment and when i go back on my ~medication i’ll change my mind and want to actually get better, regardless of how terrifying that is, but i’ve spent this entire week crying my eyes out because the thought of it just feels so fucking overwhelming and impossible

i dunno. i’m sorry to anyone who reads this because i know this is... a lot, but i’ve been holding this in for a long time and this entire past year has really been hard on me

i try not to talk about it because i know it’s a bummer and i know it just pushes people even further away from me, but i don’t think it’s helping just bottling it up and pretending like it’s not all i can ever think about and again...i genuinely don’t know if i can do the therapy thing because...yeah

i also just need to get this off my chest because i haven’t said it on here or to anyone but i also lost my dog a few months ago

i genuinely don’t know what happened to him, i think someone may have straight up stolen him because some people moved out of one of the houses near us and i know he’d been going over there sometimes so i’m not sure if that’s the case, if it is i just hope they’re taking good care of him because he’s a very sweet boy who doesn’t deserve anything bad to happen to him

we’ve looked everywhere for him and we don’t have those people’s information and even if we did i doubt they’d admit, “oh yeah, we stole your dog!” so i’m really not sure but naturally the last time i ever saw him i was trying to do some work outside and i needed to just get it done but he wanted to play so i told him to just wait until i was finished and then i’d play with him, so he wandered off and that’s the last time i ever saw him

i’ve felt like such a fucking asshole over it and i’ll scroll through my phone looking for something and see pictures of him and i just...can’t. i still keep hoping he’s just going to reappear one day, tail wagging and wanting a hug

it doesn’t have as much to do with everything else but it’s just kinda like...damn, dude.

oh, and my grandmother has lung cancer and doesn’t want treatment so there’s also that

my relationship with her has broken down pretty badly so i’m not horribly torn up about it but i know it’s going to be hard on my mom and so like...even more reason why i feel like i have to be here, y’know?

idk. it just kinda feels like my life isn’t really mine and maybe it shouldn’t be because i’m not sure i can handle it, i’m not sure i can handle it getting good only for it to possibly get really bad again and i know that there’s always the possibility of it just...being okay and that maybe bad things will happen, but they won’t be traumatic and awful but...taking that risk just feels impossible and ultimately i don’t know that it’s worth it because at the end of the day it’s...me.

i figure i already inflict myself on enough good people who only deserve good things and if i’m to fade into the background of my stagnant life then that’s probably for the best because all i do is make things worse and needlessly difficult even when i don’t mean to so it’s not like i really deserve to get better anyway

i’ve rambled enough and if i keep going it’s just going to get more whiny and pathetic so i’ll stop myself but i’m hoping maybe like i said if i can just...put these thoughts here then maybe i can make it through tomorrow without crying?

probably not, but it’s worth a shot, i guess. again, this may just all be temporary given my current mental state, but i’ve also been putting off therapy for a long time since before this week as is so...not sure that’ll really change any time soon. i had almost worked up to just doing the damn thing before the pandemic happened and then...well. feel like i might have missed my window of opportunity if i ever was going to do it because in some senses i’ve gotten better at managing all of this, i guess, but in other ways i feel like i’ve just fallen even further down the hole and trying to climb out feels like it’s guaranteed to just get me hurt even worse so i kind of want to just stay down here.

i’m trying not to give up completely or be totally hopeless about the whole thing, but at the same time...yikes!!!

#need to just brain fart for a second i apologize #this is kinda dark so please don't feel obligated to read #i'll probably delete this soon i just have another shitty work week coming up and if i want to make it thorugh #without completely losing my mind i at least need to kind of feel like i'm talking to an actual human being #because i am not capable of that at the moment

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xiggy-stardust · 6 years ago

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I can’t please anyone.

None of my friends follow this tumblr so I’m gonna dump my tea in this harbor

“hahaha nobody follows ur dumblr, xig-” SHUT the FUCK UP, ME. I KNOW thats YOU.

okok so over winter break I went shopping for myself because I didn’t get anything for christmas. I was in hot topic (Fuck you, they have some cool shit) and they had a thing where it was “Buy one hoodie and get another for just 10 bucks” so NATURALLY I made the cashier hold my $70 Twenty One Pilots hoodie while I looked for something cheaper to pay in full so I wouldn’t have to pay 70 bucks for a hoodie. I found this really cool Kingdom Hearts jacket for just 40 bucks.

One of my friends, let’s call them Wendy, LOVES KH to DEATH. I was becoming really good friends with her since I’ve only met her this school year (so I’ve known her since about august) and we became best friends really fast. We have more inside jokes than I can count, which I think is what really makes you best friends. Wendy and I have lunch together like every day after school and we sit and talk for hours about everything or sometimes nothing at all. The point is, we’re close.

I also have another friend, let’s call them Nina. Nina and I have been friends for longer than Wendy and I have been friends, since about sophomore year (and it’s senior year now). And Nina and Wendy have been friends since elementary school. So really, I’m the one late to the party. It was very clear very early on this year that Nina was getting jealous about how close Wendy and I have been getting despite us not knowing each other for very long. This reeked of petty high school drama, and me, being the only person in school not caught up in shit, refused to be dragged into something I had no intention of being a part of.

The thing about Nina though, is that she has hella insecurity issues and I’ve already sent her novels over text trying to convince her that she’s not a piece of shit. She thinks everybody hates her and she (very clearly) baits me and Wendy into pitying her. Every time I talk to her, it’s another thing she thinks everybody’s gonna hate her for. Every time. She never takes responsibility and uses those big puppy eyes to make me say that nothing is ever her fault just so she won’t go home and blow her brains out like I have nightmares of her doing. I’ve talked to her so much about the exact same topic matter that some days when she says “whatever I’m probably just annoying you” I kinda wanna say “yeah you are.” But I know for a fact she’ll go home and probably c*t her wr*sts or something. She never makes any efforts to improve herself. She wallows in her sadness and wants everyone to feel bad for her or wallow with her.

This is where Wendy is a breath of fresh air.

me, Nina, and Wendy are all relentlessly sad for mostly the same reasons, but they both have shitty parents whereas mine are. idek. Divorced but living together like they aren’t, it’s weird. I digress. We all deal with our sadness in different ways. I deal with mine by myself in my own time and only let it out in the form of ironic memes and self deprecating humor. You gotta really dig deep to get to me and I have to trust you a lot to let u know what’s really going on. But for me, you don’t get to know unless you ask. That’s how I avoid bringing down the people around me to awkward situations. Wendy acknowledges whats wrong with her and actively talks to me or other trusted friends to fix what’s wrong. She doesn’t want people to feel bad for her, she wants to be better and she doesn’t stew in her sadness because that’s bad for literally everyone.

Nina is the total opposite. We were just in the middle of UIL rehearsals today and WHILE I was highlighting and trying to memorize my lines, Nina grills me about the jacket I got Wendy for christmas when I didn’t get her anything. Wendy actually warned me she would ask so I gave her one of my printed photos earlier this morning. She said she felt left out, so naturally I lied and said I had it from the start, which I totally didn’t, and the only reason I didn’t give it to her before is because she was literally in another state stuck in a blizzard and when she came back, she was cut from the play we were in and we had to travel to perform the day she got back. So today was the only day I’ve actually seen her. So even if I DID get her something, she wouldn’t get it till today anyway. And I STILL got her something. She still tried to guilt trip me about how she felt “left out” and how she’s “forgotten” like I haven’t talked to her about it more times than I care to think about.

The thing is, Wendy is really easy to shop for. She likes KH, Overwatch, and cute anime things, and every store I shop at has a surplus of one of those things. I had a slight suspicion Nina would get jealous so I tried to find something for her,, but she has zero interests I can shop for. She likes Vinyl records, but no store in the nearest 100 miles sells vinyl. It’s not like she likes comic books or video games or stuffed animals or.. anything. I cannot shop for her. The original Idea was to go thrift shopping just the three of us, and I buy Nina anything she wants because I know she likes thrifted items and we’ve been wanting to go thrifting together for months. BUT Nina was out of the state and her parents wouldn’t tell her how long she’d be there so I couldn’t schedule anything when she got back. The blizzard she was stuck in would have fucked it up anyway but still. The idea is, it would have been impossible to get Nina what she wants. But I don’t think she sees that. She only saw that Wendy got a gift from me and she didn’t. Now might be a good time to point out that Wendy didn’t get anything for christmas because her family considers it a big waste of money (which it is, but Wendy has never experienced a single christmas in her life). So yeah naturally I’d want to get her something. Besides the jacket I got her, the only other thing Wendy got for christmas is a KH Funko pop from another friend. Thats it. So excuse me if I wanted to make this christmas a little bit more happy for her.

Besides the point, but just a side note, I didn’t get anything for christmas either. It’s not like I’m hard to shop for either, I like the same things Wendy likes (minus KH maybe) and I like flannels and beanies A LOT. And they’re stupid easy to find, especially in winter. But all I got was a heartfelt letter from another friend who is too sweet to be in this story. I got a letter and none of my other friends got me anything. Not Nina or Wendy. But I never not once complained about it while I saw all my friends give and give and give to other people. That’s why I went shopping for myself, so I couldn’t possibly want anything that anybody was giving except for love (cliche, barf, ik, whatever).

So yea it just kinda rubbed me the wrong way when Nina complained about not getting anything. EXcuse you. I should really be the one complaining, cuz I’m 40 bucks in the hole on a jacket I’ll never wear and Wendy’s only worn like once since I gave it to her. I didn’t get anything either, I actually lost here. Wendy’s got another jacket she’ll never wear, so that only seems like a plus to me and she didn’t get anybody anything, but only cuz she doesn’t have money and her parents won’t let her get a real job. And you haven’t gained or lost anything. If we really wanna be equal, let’s all get gifts for each other. Unless we all come out down and up 2 gifts, somebody’s got a right to complain, and if we look at who’s lost the most, it looks like it’s me. But I’m not going to because I don’t need a gift to validify my friendships. I gave to a friend who it looked like needed it the most out of pure goodwill. I don’t expect anything in return, and I think there’s a thing on the internet about how if you talk about how charitable you are, your charity is null and void, at least the intent of it is. But I don’t think that counts if the only people I’m talking about can’t read this. Maybe it does, but I gain and lose nothing anyway.

If I gave Nina something or Nina gave me something, Wendy wouldn’t care. If Nina gave Wendy something or Wendy gave Nina something, I wouldn’t care. So I really don’t see the big deal that I gave Wendy something. The only difference I see is that Nina is out of the loop, and she’s the only one who cares if she is.

Idk I could go on forever but I’d just regurgitate the point that Nina, you suck for trying to make me feel bad for doing a nice thing. Please. Fix yourself, because nobody else can.

#vent #venting

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thewingedwolf · 7 years ago

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Ben and Lonnie are Actually BFF’s - headcanon/meta brought to you by Rani and her need for her faves to have been friends and also a little wish-fulfillment. I wrote this forever ago and it’s A Lot but I’m posting it before it gets jossed by Descendants 2 (which....who knows maybe my broship will be canon but whateva).

So for my First Piece of Evidence...it’s less evidence and more me spit balling (I’ll get to actual evidence later). But they’re pretty evenly matched in temperament, they’re both happy, cheerful, and kind kids with a general positive outlook on life which would make me think they would get along. I mean, Ben seems to get along with everyone so its not far of a stretch that him and Lonnie would get along.

Second, she seems pretty down with the proclamation. Which could be chalked up to her just being a good person but uh. Considering the pushback Ben got from it (warranted or not), it doesn’t seem very likely that’s the reason. Or likely all on it’s own anyway. I mean most of the parents are against it, at the very least the more popular kids are against it (minus Ben), so that’s a lot of people around Lonnie that don’t like it, but she seems sorta down with it, even if she’s a bit reluctant. Which obviously means that Ben was like “look literally even my parents aren’t in love with this idea I need someone in my corner Lonnie pls I will do your math homework for a month” and she went along with it bc THEY ARE BFFS.

Third point which is - Lonnie tries quite often to be their friend, initially in a way that looks like she was put up to it by someone else (...maybe...idk...Ben...) but then keeps trying

she’s one of the first to reach out to the four and she does so fairly early on

also. why would she go to them for magic hairdo she’s the kid of two big military leaders i am positive she has the money to go to a nice hairdresser or like, her grandmother.

she also comes across a bit better than chad and jane do - evie wants a boyfriend, chad plays on this by using her to do his homework, mal has to chase after jane and jane only stays bc mal makes her popular. the minute audrey and them accept jane, she drops mal fairly quickly. lonnie wants them to do something for her yeah, but she offers to pay for it, so it’s not like she’s taking advantage or anything.

her reaction after she gets her hair done like she’s SO EXCITED AND SHE WANTS MAL TO KNOW THAT and then she rips her skirt in a really obvious i’m-gonna-be-cool-like-you way

she continually reaches out to them, not just for her hair and her own gain but she goes when they’re making cookies and mentions everyone wants Mal to do their hair, which points to her talking Mal’s makeover skills up.

Which. LET ME TALK ABOUT THAT SCENE. She tries to make conversation during that scene, she offers help, she’s genuinely trying to be nice, and wants to know about their lives. And when their lives turn out to be worse than she thought, she doesn’t brush it off or blame them for t heir shitty lives like other characters do, she is KIND AND SYMPATHETIC and tries to offer comfort!!! It even seems to work for a half a second but you know, plot happens and all.

She also sits with the girls at the game even tho she obviously has other friends, but she reaches out anyway.

she is literally the only character besides Ben to constantly reach out to them, in what is initially a way that is her not happpy with it (like she’s been put up to it by a friend) but then keeps trying to be their friend

Piece the Fourth - evidence she’s friends (good friends!!) with Ben. [note: some of this would do better if I had gifs to back it up but I can’t gif. So I have caps, altho it might be a little hard to tell but it’s the best I can do sorry]

Again, first person to actively seek them out (Chad and Jane sorta fall into their laps, and Doug is their guide thing. She’s the one who makes first contact).

the way she phrases it “you hate us and well...you’re evil” strikes me as someone put her up to it. like your friend is like go talk to the new kid they seem nice and you’re like fine and you’re a bit of an asshole initially cuz u don’t want to be there. Considering the fact that Ben has seen they’re having some issues blending in, and then the weirdness of Mal chasing Jane into the bathroom, it would make sense that he’d want to make them feel more welcome so he sends a friend he knows won’t be a dick to go talk to them. Lonnie agrees bc Ben and also she’s nice.

She's so happy for Ben and Mal during Did I Mention

Like seriously she's like squealing and grabbing Mal and pointing at Ben, like there's excited and then there's Lonnie during that scene.

[Image Description: Lonnie smiling gleefully while Ben makes his way towards a nervous looking Mal]

^^^^^^^^^^^that is the face of a girl who wants her bff to date someone she approves of at long last

During the Family Day debacle, everyone else starts walking away after Chad wakes up, but she stays

[image description: Chad and Audrey walking away from Ben during Family Day, while Lonnie and Doug look on, Doug looking very dejected while Lonnie looks sad and possibly worried]

She starts walking towards Ben

[image description: Lonnie has walked forward several steps towards Ben. Doug has a hand on her arm, and Ben looks on]

and only leaves when Doug takes her hand and literally pulls her away from Ben

[image description: Doug is pulling on Lonnie’s arm and walking away, pulling her with while Ben watches on, his shoulders sagging. Lonnie wears the same worried and sad look]

Later, she doesn't gossip like Jane or Audrey, she lookes upset like Doug and a bit mad about what just happened.She also loks v disappointed in Doug when he rejects Evie and then sorta shakes her head and looks annoyed when Jane and Audrey come over after they had just insulted Mal. I don’t have great caps for this bc she’s not the focus on the scene (this is where giffing skills would come in siiiigh) but I did find one cap that isn’t too terrible

[image description: doug sitting down after chad called him over from being with evie. lonnie watches doug, looking disappointed and a bit sad]

She does leave with the group but unlike everyone else, she doesn't look afraid, she's just pulling a Chad away from the group (probably stopping him from getting his ass put to sleep again bc come on nobody is happy during that scene)

So she very obviosly is not happy about this, attempts to comfort Ben, and is not ok with the petty shit Chad, Jane, and Audrey pull off, and disappointed in Doug not reaching out to Evie. To me, it seems less like she’s in with the other kids, and more like she feels very torn and not sure of how to react to the situation. So, similar to Doug - which, I was very annoyed with Doug and while it is disappointing that Lonnie wouldn’t say something either, peer pressure is a hell of a motivator and when you go to school with literal princes and princesses, that peer pressure is probably multiplied by 10000. Not to mention, we know characters like the dwarves are treated badly by Auradon per Isle of the Lost. While Mulan and Shang are human, they’re also not royalty and I wonder how well they would be treated.

And then in Set It Off, she just jumps into the happy right away. She doesn’t need to be cheered up and she’s not a love interest, she’s just genuinely happy for everyone. Which is a) part of part three in that she’s just a really nice person and b) she’s happy bc her best friend is at least dating someone she likes I mean idk about any of you, but I’m always much happier when I approve of my friends’ dating choices

In conclusion I just love Lonnie so much, she’s so nice to the rotten four and she wants to give them a chance and I want Ben to have friends that actually support him and I want Lonnie to have friends that aren’t catty as hell and I think it would be cute if they were friends, I think there’s a decent amount of evidence that points towards them being friends, and it’s my headcanon and I say so :P

#li lonnie #benjamin florian #the strength of evil is good as none when stands before four hearts as one #disney is my life #disney channel #point the fifth - this is bi (male)/lesbian solidarity in action folks and you will not take ben and lonnie trash talking all the str8s they #are forced to go to school with from me bc i would die for that headcanon ok #rani makes text posts no one will read #rani attempts meta #like a thousand words just for me saying 'my faves in this dcom are best friends'#i hate myself

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labyrinthofleah · 7 years ago

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50 More interesting questions

Rules: fill this out and tag at least one person you’d like to know more about! Or just fill it out! Or don’t! Answer only some of them! Make up your own questions! “What kind of requirement is that”, you ask? A reasonable one! Who am I to tell you what to do? Anything goes!

(Original questions authored by @cavern-of-bells , thank you!)

Hypothetically tagged by @redpantychan XD

1. What kind of food can’t you stand?: I'm not incredibly picky, buuuut bitter food. Like bitter melon.

2. If you could choose one minor inconvenience to never have to deal with again, what would you pick?: Hiccups.

3. Have you got any useless talents?: I know Roberto Button's birthday (October 23), zodiac (cusp of Libra and Scorpio), and height (5'10") off the top of my head.

4. If you could be really really good at one thing, what would it be?: Putting myself out there more.

5. Name a few people you think are extremely good-looking: UHHHH real people? Chris Evans maybe??? Uhhh idk I don’t follow celebs at all SO Okita Souji is SO PRETTY (his eyesss) and also Hachiro Iba is so pretty. Also Olivia from FE:A, I love her hair?

6. What was your favorite way to pass the time as a kid?: Writing stories, playing games, reading books. ie. all the stuff I still pass the time with now that I'm 25, lol!

7. What is something you’re proud of?: I've gotten back into reading for fun, and I can see an improvement in my writing as a result.

8. What’s one character flaw in people that you just can’t tolerate?: Intentional passive aggressiveness.

9. Do you consider yourself to be more of a leader or a follower?: I'm okay being both, but it really depends on the situation.

10. What kind of student are/were you?: I was a good student in high school, but I never learned how to actually study because I generally found the classes/homework pretty easy. Then I got to college. *explosion noises*

11. Butterfly effect question! Has there ever been a seemingly minor decision you’ve made (at the time) that ended up having a profound influence on your life?: I started making otome parodies and posting them. XD That got me interested in learning about audio equipment/programs/techniques, which led me to apply to an audio internship at a publishing company, which led to a regular salaried position/promotions at the same company.

12. Name your most irrational fear/aversion: I have a list. ;3; Buuuut if I had to name one, uhhh I really hate strong storms. A little lightning and thunder is cool and I enjoy wind and rain, but I tend to freak out if storm watches go out, because my mind instantly goes "NEXT STEP IS A TORNADO WARNING AND THEN EVERYONE'S DOOOOMED." I've gotten better at distracting myself when that happens, but yeah.

13. Are there any fictional characters you find especially relatable?: The characters in Hakuoki. Not because I've ever drunk a vampiric potion or because I've been in a police force or in any conflict beyond a thumb wrestling match. But a major theme in the game is very much about personal beliefs vs. what others tell you, and struggling to adjust to sudden changes in life. I just find that despite the hot otome guys and fantasy elements, it's a very human story in that respect.

14. If you drink, what kind of drunk are you? Alternatively, what sort of person are you at parties?: I can't really drink a lot because of the meds I take (trust me, the “don’t take with alcohol” warnings are on the bottle for a reason), but also because of my small frame I get tipsy SUPER FAST. I get kinda relaxed and giggly when that happens. I'm an introvert, but at parties/events where I'm comfortable and excited to go, I'm usually okay talking to others, dancing, etc.

15. Do you fall in love easily? Or does it usually take a long time for you to trust someone?: With fictional people, I see one CG or screencap and I'm just "I'M GONNA MARRY THEM AND WE'LL HAVE BEAUTIFUL BABIES TOGETHER." But in real life, it takes me a while to open up to people, and I've never had a serious crush or fallen in love yet.

16. Would you rather have one close friend or 100 casual friends?: One close friend. I'd rather have someone I can absolutely rely on even if we have rough patches together and have them know they can expect the same from me, rather than friends I can have fun with but they go AWOL when personal issues come up. I'm not the best at communicating, so it's a work in progress.

17. Do you consider yourself to be more of a slob or a neat-freak?: When it comes to work, I am SUPER METICULOUS. I organize my files and my inbox and I write protocols for everything. But uh, if you plan to come over to hang out, let me know in advance so I can pretend my room is neat all the time, lolol.

18. Describe a place (imaginary or real) that you would find incredibly cozy: I imagine the common rooms at Hogwarts to be safe and cozy and warm for their respective houses. So I guess the Ravenclaw common room, since that's my house. XD

19. Do you have kids? If not, do you want them someday?: No kids yet, lmao. I would like kids of my own someday, but not anytime soon.

20. What was your favorite book as a child? A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L'engle. It was the book that made me go "Hey I want to write, too!"

21. Name one thing you just don’t get what all the hype is about: fidget spinners, same as Chia. XD

22. Name one thing that you think is tragically underrated: The Story of Saiunkoku. It’s a great anime, watch iiiiit!

23. If you had to be glued to a person for a month, real or fictional (who you have never met), who would you choose?: Someone who can keep their head and be optimistic, but at the same time know when I need Introvert Time(TM).

24. What’s something you’d like the chance to do someday?: Travel more.

25. Do you typically speak your mind when you have a controversial opinion? Or do generally prefer to not rock the boat?: If I'm with people I trust, maybe. Otherwise, nope.

26. What’s the dumbest fad you’ve been caught up in?: Beanie Babies. My mom once stood in a line to get one for my birthday even though looking back she definitely thought it was the stupidest craze ever, ilu Mom. XD

27. What’s something you thought was cool as a kid/adolescent, but now cringe at yourself for?: I pretended to have a crush on Lance Bass in grade school because I thought I needed a "celebrity crush" to "fit in."

28. What’s a trait you consider to be very admirable?: The ability to admit when you have done something wrong, acknowledging someone else's feelings/POV, and THEN taking actual pains to not repeat it. Basically when you actively consider taking the other person in a relationship (platonic, familial, romantic, etc.) seriously more important than "being right."

29. Is there a particular kind of item people always tend to give you as gifts? (For instance, people always get you things with ducks on them because you like ducks, etc.): My parents give me socks a lot. When I was a kid I was like "why" but now I'm all "YEAAHHHHH SOCKSSSS YOU GUYS ARE THE BEST." Also I get books and notebooks/pens. My college friends used to get me stuff with owl designs.

30. Do you speak multiple languages? Which ones?: English. Trying to learn Japanese on Duolingo. The language of love. Altarian.

31. Would you rather live in the big city or the countryside?: Countryside, no doubt.

32. Has there ever been something you were certain you’d hate, but ended up loving?: I don't recall. I mean, I'm sure there's been lots of things, but nothing I really remember. XD;; Now I try to be more open minded when I try new things.

33. Do you mind being the center of attention, or do you prefer the spotlight to be on someone else?: I can be kinda self-conscious, but at the same time STROKE MY EGO AND TELL ME I'M FABULOUS.

34. Favorite holiday?: Christmas, because my family takes time to spend it together and I have lots of good, cozy memories associated with it.

35. Are you a more go-with-the-flow type of person, or do you need to have things planned meticulously?: My heart says go with the flow, my head says "PLAN OUT EVERYTHING OR ELSE YOU WILL DIE" (thanks anxiety).

36. Is there something you loved so much you wish you could forget it and experience it all over again? (A tv show, book, series–anything.): Yeah, lots of books/games. XD;; But I like to replay/reread favorite series of mine a LOT, so each time I feel like I experience it a new way.

37. What hobbies do you have?: Otome, staring at Roberto, writing fanfic/original stories, staring at Saint-Germain, reading, staring at Okita, playing piano, staring at Xander, singing.

38. If you could have a superpower, but it was only mildly useful, what ability would you want to have?: Oooh, interesting question! The ability to help soothe people or help them feel a little more optimistic. It wouldn't change their life or help their situations directly, but if they're in a bad place then even just brief reprieve from feeling shitty might help their mindset.

39. Something people are always surprised to learn about you: People sometimes have the impression that I'm all sweetness and butterflies at first but then we break out Cards Against Humanity and I rack up a ton of black cards and they go "oh wow it's always the quiet ones."

40. Something that took you way too long to figure out: That nobody "figures everything out" when they "grow up," and it’s okay to go at your own pace.

41. Worst injury you’ve had?: Sprained ankle.

42. Any morbid fascinations?: *looks at angst idea backlist* idk bro, skeletons maybe so spoopy amirite.

43. Describe your sense of humor: Puns and terrible memes.

44. If you had to be born in another era/place, which would you choose?: If we're talking about the past, then I wouldn't choose, namely because I have some health-related issues that would be hell in past eras. If we're talking about place, I've already been born in a different country than the one I was adopted into/currently live in, so I wouldn't choose a different one either because that doesn't really matter to me.

45. Something you are irredeemably bad at: Being patient.

46. Something that sucked but you’re glad you went through: I can’t think of anything negative that I’m glad I went through; but I can be glad I got through it and can look at things more objectively so I can work on moving on.

47. Would you rather have a really godawful ugly tattoo in a place that is only slightly inconvenient to conceal with clothing (upper arm, thigh, etc.), or the coolest, most beautiful tattoo ever in the middle of your face? (Neither tattoo can be removed or concealed with makeup, and the ugly tattoo will deeply offend anyone who sees it.): A cool, beautiful tattoo on my face. If I actually got a tattoo it wouldn't be huge and super-colorful anyway, so it would be really small, probably a little star.

48. Are you more of an optimist or a pessimist?: Pessimist, but I make an effort to be optimistic when I can.

49. What would be the most flattering compliment someone could give you?: Saying they like something I've been actively working on improving, for example my writing or my singing. Those honestly make me SO HAPPY.

50. Something you feel people often misunderstand about you: Just how deeply emotional I can get about games/books. *CLENCHES FIST*

TAGGING: anyone who wants to do this! :D

#redpantychan

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unproduciblesmackdown · 8 years ago

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sometimes the wild thing with depression is looking back and trying to figure out when it started and never really being able to draw a line for anything like "this was the earliest age it All Began(tm)," probably because there's not generally such an On-Off Switch type process to it. i know usually circa ten yrs old or later in the teens is usually what people point to but sometimes more of a period of exacerbation rather than origin, and who can say it's not also having the emotional and psychological capabilities and capacities that young children don't that bring a greater sense of perspective and awareness, idk anyways so i'm not sure if i was ever not-depressed or anything....i know i was always uncomfortable outside what was familiar and "shy" and i know that as soon as i was around other kids in a way more socially organized than running around together, namely preschool at 4 yrs old, i was aware of not feeling like i fit in and noticing i couldnt make friends like other people could. ive been good at bs-ing school from the start and happen to pick up things very quickly so even though i probably had the same habits as kids with the worst grades and had no particular ambitions re: academia (beyond avoiding parental wrath and later maintaining the identity that kinda protected me a bit in school) since i got really good grades and was quiet and pretty much just read in a corner when left to myself from kindergarten through middle school, i was probably considered a usually ideal student. i remember a couple of people who i felt i was genuinely friends with, a kid named michael who i think went to a different school after a couple of grades, and a kid named jacqueline in 2nd grade who was like me so quiet in retrospect i'm not sure if she knew much english but we played legos together and stuff but then we got in trouble for not paying attention during not even a lesson but i had to move seats b/c arbitrary Making An Example and since we were both so quiet we just didnt interact much anymore to avoid further attention. i made other friends technically but generally it took a long time to be comfortable with them and we were never close and in the meantime i dont think i ever much liked school. i remember one random sunday evening just getting upset about not wanting to go back the next day just because it was boring and meantime at home of course it sucked but i didnt quite realize it til i was older and it helped of course being young enough to be able to go outside for hours and be perfectly entertained playing in the dirt and trees and stuff. i read a lot at home too i remember having pretty skeptical thoughts about Life from earlyish on but, besides spending a crap ton of time just in my own head (reading, playing in dirt) i think i had ideas that life and the world was pretty amazing. like earlier on of course it was like "is magic real??" but then later its just stuff like reading in books about how kids had good friends and families and got to pursue their interests and do things and work out drama and have nice endings with a lot of hope for the future. for all i could tell the only thing keeping that from being my life was that i wasnt old enough, or probably i hoped that it was just a matter of time. it was less like i was extrapolating from my own limited observations of the worse aspects of life that life must be great and more like i was already noticing that my world was lacking and just hoping that it would grow out of it; not to mention being given the hint that stuff like abuse was my own fault and shortcomings i started getting more aware of being fed up with things / that they weren't inherently going to change around like late elementary school / middle school but it would take another year or two to really get the extent of it, and in the meantime by 14 or 15 at the latest i was consciously suicidal so like, moving fast there. i probably by that point had already caught on to the fact that my world had just been kind of shitty and that it wasnt going to change or seem better after a certain amount of time like i'd thought it would. and then add also having a better understanding of the rest of the world just by being older and getting more experience and realizing that its a lot more chaotic than initially taught to you and that being depressed and having developed few interests and zero ambitions and having antagonistic parents and very few friends doesnt do much to give you as much a cushion from that chaos as it could tangent: honestly i like programs that teach instructors how to recognize things that look like Behavior Issues as maybe more being signs of external issues. i wasnt the best at paying attention and i was often quiet in school whether in class or not and it mightve been a problem if i didnt get good grades but since i did i could just be in the background. i don't particularly resent this or anything because i know how teaching is and i myself didnt really understand i had serious problems at home until much later, but in retrospect i think i always had signs. i remember one particular incident when i was about 8 really shouldve been a bit of a warning sign. i know nobody can really do anything even if they know things are bad but considering i had to learn what abuse looked like by myself and i didnt feel supported by any adult and even when i knew what was going on when i was much older i still just didnt tell anyone in any position of authority because i had learned i had to protect myself by keeping personal things totally confidential and that if i exhibited any signs of struggling i would be blamed and chastised for it. wouldve been nice to at least be informed what was going on at an earlier time and maybe given some sense of confidence or at least a sense it wasn't completely my fault. turns out what gave me any ounce of confidence at all was being like 19 and being so blamed and maligned that it backfired and i started feeling like if i was as awful as i was made out to be then surely i didnt need to feel ashamed and responsible for everything that was being done to me. if i already deserved to be dead then what more could i bring on myself by daring to be so terrible as to feel i shouldnt be treated like i was! checkmate atheists anyhow, i feel like my Good Concepts About The World kind of evolved from "later on everyone has adventures" to "later on everyone goes to middle school / high school and makes friends and bonds with their family and follows their dreams" to something just more vaguely escapist with abstracted ideas about simply feeling comfortable and nice, with maybe general imagery, usually like summer sunsets or just some nice stars or something. i thought about it once and it made a lot of sense, thinking about stuff in terms of the concept of feeling ok and good things existing in the world and being able to sense it despite it also being at a distance or otherwise removed like dont get me wrong just because i wanna be dead i dont have some kind of notion that everyone else's experience of life is the same as mine i.e. that life and/or the world is inherently shit, i know its no more objectively bad than it is objectively good. i still like to think about the good side of all of it. i think its a total mistake to have the idea that if someone is suicidal or even just depressed that it necessarily has anything to do with what they think of the philosophy of the concept of Life, its more personal and immediate than that. honestly i hate all the advice about how you need to write a poem for your suicidal friend to teach them the magic of life or do some otherwise melodramatic bad y.a. novel shit that'll give them a New Perspective on the wonders of life literally overnight. not only is it always disgustingly patronizing and often counterproductively Tough Love-esque but also totally like unrelated to the root of the problem of "what if i'm worried about a friend making a suicide attempt." if you're personally wanting to do something i s2g literally just provide a distraction. talk about random shit or play online scrabble or go over and make midnight snacks, not like set a flower on fire while dropping a porcelain teapot on the floor and lecturing them about how this Doesnt Solve Any Problems or is a permanent solution to a temporary problem like no. just be a distraction jfc and dont insult anyone by generalizing their experience and guessing at what's probably an extremely complex and personal matter and turning it into empty clichés anyways: this was the longest way to get to the idea that isnt it wild when, like how you can Hear a sound in your head and despite recreating it decently its different from actually hearing it externally, you can sometimes remember what it was like to feel nice about the concept of life? i cant really summon earlier things but sometimes i can remember flashes of having those later sad-person-in-their-own-head moments of thinking of distant abstract concepts like seeing the sky as a medium for connection to the infinite experiences of humanity, and i can get like the equivalent of a visual image of a recreated feeling from back when i still had a few lingering overly-optimistic notions that things would be good soon. don't get me wrong, again im still aware of the good things in life and i still have good experiences and still feel good feelings. but i dont harbor expectations that the course of life must and will average itself out or lean towards improvement for any reason, like knowing that good things happening to you out of the blue is the same as how terrible things can happen for exactly the same reason—namely no reason at all. so i just dont have the same feelings i used to about my own personal life, and i dont feel the things i used to when i hoped it still could be Only A Matter Of Time. so its wild when for some reason i mentally stumble on the memory of having those feelings and theyre still recent enough that i get a moment of recreating the feeling like i do when i can picture something in my head, and its totally different and dissonant than what's currently true for me. it wasn't a more accurate perspective to think that life being bad meant it had to improve, but its obviously a nicer feeling. and it sounds like overused to the point of meaningless comparison but its like getting your head above water for a second in terms of the momentary contrast of sensation tldr its wild when you depressioning 24/7 and dead inside and have an instant of remembering What It Was Like To Feel Things

#long post ///////

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parisgellerisbisexual · 8 years ago

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Hayley Watches Parenthood

Decided that I need to vent my feelings about Parenthood. Under the cut.

Okay so I started Parenthood for my beautiful bae Lauren Graham, but I’m honestly falling in love with them all. I’m having far too many feelings already (I’m on s2e7) so I’ve decided to vent them all out on le tumblr dot com.

Sarah, Amber and Drew

I know I’m biased because I already love Lauren but Sarah is one of my favourites. I find her so interesting and complex and I love watching Lauren play this character who kinda fails as a mother sometimes. Don’t get me wrong, she’s really trying and a lot of the time she is an amazing mother. But it’s nice to see someone who is a bit of a mess and does make mistakes with her children. I think it’s realistic. Also am loving watching her career blossom. She’s beautiful, of course, and quirky. But I super love how she doesn’t remind me of Lorelai. Like, at all. Phew. Side note: CANNOT stand her with this Gordon guy (I just find all the Baldwin’s sleazy, sorry?) and I want her to get back with cute teacher guy. They had the best chemistry so far.

Ok I am honestly so so so in love with Amber. She’s my little misunderstood queen and I love her. Sure, she can be moody and shitty and what not, but I just know that they’re setting her up for some beautiful character development and I genuinely cannot wait to see it unfold. I love her with all of my heart. And I love her even more for the fact that she wore a banana costume to a halloween party. I also really enjoy her relationship with Sarah. It’s interesting to watch Lauren act this role, where she’s not super close with her daughter and they butt heads a lot, but they do care for each other deeply and that’s shown every now and again.

Drew is kinda in the background a little bit and I don’t feel a connection to him really? I feel bad for him because he obviously has daddy issues, but it was nice to see him connect with Adam as a fatherly figure. He always has time for Max which I think is super rad. That storyline where he kissed April Nardini was random though, and short-lived, and I don’t understand the importance/relevance of that entire storyline??

Adam, Kristina, Haddie and Max

OKAY SO the thing is I find myself kind of not liking Adam, and I don’t understand why?? Like, he is such a good guy. Not in a fake way, like, all the way down to his core he is just such a good guy. He cares about his family and he’ll do anything for them. It’s actually annoying how he basically always does the right thing (so far anyway). Like, he’ll be about to fuck up and I’ll be like ‘yas this will give me some sort of explanation as to why I don’t like his character’ and then at the last minute he goes and does the right thing! I can’t quite put my finger on why I don’t care for him too much -- perhaps it is because he slightly bores me? -- but all I know is, I try to not like him but I just /can’t/. That probably makes no sense.

Kristina is also not one of my favs (she can piss me off ALOT sometimes) but I do have a whole heap of respect for her. She is one badass mum and she really takes care of her kids. She really is your kinda typical mum, and I love that about her. She reminds me of my own mum a little bit. I don’t like the way she treats Sarah sometimes (but that’s bc I Protect my favs). I really liked that scene she had with Gaby and she actually admitted how she’s been feeling about it all, and also in relation to her marriage and it was awesome to see her vulnerable that way. She’s absolutely stunning tbh and I envy her hair. (p.s. she was a badass when she was working on that campaign).

Haddie can annoy me so fcking much oh my gosh. BUT also I was a 15 year old girl once so I can totally relate. She kinda portrays your typical but realistic storyline of young teenage girl pushing for more freedom, and how she deals with her parents resisting that. I know that feeling where you feel like you deserve more freedom than you’re getting, and how unfair it all feels. But in hindsight, my parents (and Haddie’s) were right. Fifteen is still pretty young tbh. I didn’t like how in the first season ALL of her storylines revolved around boys, namely Steve. I just wanted to see a bit of Haddie as her own person, as opposed to just this boy-loving teenager. It felt like a bit of a cliche. But now that her and Steve are over, I like her a lot more. She’s, like, cool. idk.

I like Max. I think the actor that plays him is outstanding and I also think it’s super important that stories like his are being portrayed in the media. I don’t really know what else to say about Max other than I just think it’s really cool to see his story, and the character’s that are affected by him, play out.

Julia, Joel and Sydney

I LOVE JULIA. Julia is bae. She’s is so smart and passionate and stubborn and beautiful. Honestly, I get lost in her eyes during her scenes I s2g hahahaha. She is such an important character, honestly, like give me all the working mothers trying to balance their work and maintain a close relationship with their kid. I love how they show that it’s not necessarily easy but you can do it, and also it’s okay to be a working mother. You don’t have to give up your career. She’s so stubborn and I can understand the way other people in her life react to her sometimes, but all in all I love her to pieces.

Joel is such a sweetheart like he’s just such a pure cinnamon roll so far. He has this real quiet confidence that I love, but also it’s adorable how shy he was around the family at first. I loved that scene when he yelled at Zeek about the roof, saying he was a certified trained contractor and that he knew more than him and I was like yes!!! go Joel!! He’s so cute and good with Sydney, but I also like how he’s not super praised about being a single father. I think there was only one line in the whole show so far where someone was like ‘you’re such a hero for being a stay-at-home dad’ and my eyes rolled SO FAR back it was unbelievable but thankfully!!! there’s only been one line like that. He’s just a sweetie and I love him. also sexy.

Sydney is kinda just whatever the show needs her to be in that episode, like imo she doesn’t really have a character yet. I don’t know. She’s just the kid, you know? But she is considerably less annoying than most kids her age so that’s a plus.

Crosby, Jasmine and Jabbar

I love Crosby with all of my heart. He’s the male I feel the most emotionally connected with in the whole show. At first I thought he was being set up to be the continuous loser failure and I was so exhausted at just the thought of him being a dropkick dad. I just feel like that storyline has been done before so many times, so I was so happy to see that they’ve actually done his character justice! Sure, maybe he’s not at the same point in his life as his siblings, but he’s killin’ it where he’s at right now. I love love love his relationship with Jabbar, I think it’s the cutest thing and it made me smile so much when he told Jasmine that he was falling in love with him. CROSBY IS CUTE.

I like Jasmine. I think she’s really talented and a great mum and good for Crosby and she’s stunning, obviously. I’m glad she got to live her dreams, but am also glad she decided that her family is more important. I’m just like, I like her but don’t love her. A little indifferent towards her relationship with Crosby, could go either way and I wouldn’t mind (aside from it would suck for Jabbar if they split). They did just get engaged though and that was cute.

Jabbar is cute and his personality is adorable! I love how much he loves Crosby and AHHH idk they’re just the cutest lil dad-son duo. It makes my heart so happy.

Zeek and Camille

Honestly??? Can’t stand either of them. I just wanna tell them both to pull their heads out of their asses. Zeek is arrogant and stubborn and rude and cheated so yuck. And Camille is sooooooo annoying. Sorry. I don’t know. She just??? Like just fucking say something, stop playing the victim and take control of your life???? Really honestly can’t stand either of them hahahaha oops.

General Opinions

Where are the gay people? Why is everyone Straight™? Surely SOMEONE is lgbt+??????????? PLEASE?????? List of people who I want to be lgbt+: Sarah, Amber, Drew, Haddie, Joel, and Camille. I personally think all of these are possible? A GIRL CAN DREAM.

I love it with all my heart. I see flaws and it’s similar to Gilmore Girls in the sense that it’s very white and very straight, but I can acknowledge that and still enjoy it. although there is far too much yelling in this show for my liking. so many scenes are just five characters shouting at each other and it does my head in.

I found that I became invested in these characters very very quickly which was nice? nice and snuggly. I think the family aspect of it is very...comforting and it’s just like, a nice show to watch. idk, i just love it a lot!

so anyway here are my thoughts on Parenthood that nobody asked for. if you read them all then you’re a champ!

#parenthood #not gilmore girls #hayley watches parenthood #lauren graham #i can't be bothered tagging all of the bravermans #here! have some of my opinions that no one asked for lol

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ellescharacters · 6 years ago

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ALMA / 60s / open occupation open fc difficulty to fit in a wanted ad: mid

former war correspondent

got shot at in her mid 30s. got pulled out from the field and became a regular reporter - was pissed af about it

would make you look like a fool on tv in front of millions of people. also sit outside your office every day for as long as it takes for you to talk to her/answer her questions

in her early 30s she met a war doctor while abroad and the two had a kid they gave up for adoption

met her husband in her mid/late 30s. got married. had kids.

idk what happened to the husband yet but.....

she was EXCITED AF to be living alone and have all of her children out of the house. she was ready to enter her silver years ya know? she spent her whole life dedicating herself either to her job or her kids and she never had a chance to kind of stop and say “who is alma?”. so she was ready to re-discover herself. maybe start taking painting lessons. travel... go on a cruise! why not! and then for w/e reason her grandkids (early 20s) had to move in with her and fuck!!!!!!!!! she loves them so much but fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

honestly will only bring her to the site if ppl will play her grandkids

open / late 50s or early 60s / scientist jeff goldblum difficulty to fit in a wanted ad: mid

parents had a lot of money. parents lost all of their money.

he’s chill and hardworking af and actually doesn’t mind taking a step back and hearing other people’s ideas etc etc.... but people can be so incompetent oh my gdo!!!!!!!! it drives him up the wall

he’s probably a computer scientist / programmer

twice or trice divorced

kind.......... of a neglectful dad tbh

honestly will likely only bring him if i can have a couple pre-establish connections like his kids, friends, enemies, etc

VENETIA / 30s

PERSONALITY TRAITS: Venetia hates the idea of being average/ordinary, and has always she come off as this interesting girl who has a bunch of life experience (and she does, in a way) but in the end, she really is just /a girl/. her whole life is pretty much her showing the world how she wants to be perceived even though she’s a total lie herself. she tells at least 5 lies every day to make herself seem more interesting.

POSSIBLE OCCUPATION: designer, waitress, bartender, gossip reporter, actress, burlesque dancer, flight attendant, model

Wendy / late 20s or 30s

PERSONALITY TRAITS: wendy was raised by hippie parents which... my god, she doesn't hate them but she also can't stand to be around them. wendy is: hardworking, sociable, guarded, liar, lonely, romantic, deep down a good person she’s just so stuck and wants more out of her life

POSSIBLE OCCUPATION: secretary, hotel maid, gossip journalist

Genevieve (martha’s sister?)/ late 20s or early 30s /

PERSONALITY TRAITS: a+ friend, romantic, outgoing, optimist, determined, dedicated, a little obsessive especially when it comes to romantic relationships. seriously wants a relationship she’s 100% in love with the idea of love and being with someone forever and she’s not ashamed of this at all.

POSSIBLE OCCUPATION: editorialist, pediatric surgeon, art restorer, curator, pharmacist, radio personality, engineer, baker, restaurant owner

JOSIE / early/mid 20s / probs waitress or cashier probably freya mavor idk difficulty to fit in a wanted ad: low-mid

sociable, romantic, adventurous, impulsive, privileged, naive, kind, fun, brave, self-centred.

rich kid who threw a fit and walked out and has been living as a “”poor”” person for at least 7 months now. she started dating a boy she met at work and moved in with him and they are v happy in their shitty little apartment............ and he doesn’t know she’s rich but when he finds out he’s going to feel extremely played and like the whole thing is just a game to her. it’ll be angsty. they’ll break up but ~love will win~...... but it’ll be hard.

she’s not a bad person she’s just very privileged and so... clueless and naive about how the world actually works? also young, which... just adds more fuel to the fire lmao

*MALENA / 28-36 / bartender probably kate mara or krysten ritter difficulty to fit in a wanted ad: mid

walking shit-show and i love her for it... a lot dont tho and i don’t blame them

has gone grocery shopping wearing her pjs under some oversized coat at some point. drunk girl in the bathroom who compliments you and tries to (poorly) braid your hair. queen of unprompted defensiveness. vice-president of the casual self-deprecating jokes club. uncertified sucker for the underdog. board games & bar games afectionado. spends way too much time on the "diy" section of youtube. wine AND vodka aunt. creative curser. not an excellent cook but makes the best burgers you'll taste in your life - also pancakes, in under 8 minutes. walking library of quick/lazy meals. low-key vague personification of "I can't wait for my friends to start getting married bc the idea of getting trashed on champagne, hitting on everyone and making speeches while two people I love commit to a life of monogamy is a strong one". has -0 idea of what she's doing and no idea how she feels about it.

has like 4 half-siblings and 2 step-siblings and doesn’t get along with any of them bc that’s malena 4 you.

(one of her step-siblings is actually her half-sister NOT her step-sister bc malena’s dad and her step/half-sister’s mom were banging each other while they were still married. she doesn’t know this yet but regardless it’s fine everything is FINE)

( listen... malena’s relationship with her step/half-sister is actually deeply tragic to me and i adore both of them dearly - the step/half-sister has known the truth for a couple years now but kept it to herself because she’s that kind of person - she’s good to the core and she’s been carrying this secret all by herself. she’s been trying very hard to have a relationship with malena ... sadly malena isn’t being very helpful. )

malena worked as an assistant to a wedding planner for two years. didn’t hate it. nobody believes it and she doesn’t particularly care.

genuinely good, kind, and nonjudgmental people are people malena low-key admires and looks up to. if one of them becomes her friend, she’ll literally fight for them if it comes down to it. honestly malena’s self-preservation is very very high so when she does let someone in she’s 1000% ride or die for them.

people have the tendency to just.... open up to her / talk to her and she doesn’t know why!!!!!!!!!!!! she doesn’t even ask them anything she’s not even nice !!!!!!!!!!!! stop this nonsense!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! bc then she starts low-key getting invested

she always feels the need to defend/prove herself. basically, she never learned how to express herself in a healthy/normal way. she misjudges people's intentions and words more often than she should, but she's always so worried about protecting herself that she can't help it. also she has pretty impulsive knee-jerk reactions when it comes to any kind of abuse/bullying.

malena isn't a commitment-phobe; she's a repressed hopeless romantic in denial and she's been that way all her life but she only started truly realising it a couple of years back. she low-key wants to be showered in love and be able to love someone like that in return, but she's cultivated an image of herself that's incompatible with this. she has always worn her individualism as a kind of weapon and she’s conditioned to associate backtracking with weakness, so, yeah, she's been struggling with living for herself as opposed to the image people have of her.

i'm sure she's still on good terms/friends with some of the people she's gotten involved with in the past because she really isn't a petty person in this regard. (pseudo-)exs on good terms, (pseudo-)exs on bad terms, messy relationships, flings, something else entirely... i'm open to all things.

literally every relationship or pseudo relationship she’s been in has been a shit show. often comical. still a shit show. (like that time she dated a guy who was in a long distance relationship and he literally forgot he had a gf. or that time she got involved with some sort of bruce wayne wannabe. or that time she dated a violinist - violinists have.. issues stay tf away from them. or that time she dated an indie movie director who was an absolute mess of a person. fun fucking times!!!!!!)

started sleeping with her boss and may or may not have feelings for him.......... and he just found out he has a kid from an ex ....... a 13 year old kid..........please kill her

*EVELYN / late 30S or 40S / actress probably amy adams or rose byrne if she’s not taken difficulty to fit in a wanted ad: mid-high

was adopted around age 10 by some rich couple who really only adopted so they could get extra brownie points within their circle of friends…… but they didn’t want to adopt a baby because that’s just too much work ya know? this doesn’t mean that evelyn wasn’t loved because she was - she is - and honestly her parents never demanded any more or less of her than they did of their other biological children. her brother(s) often joke that she’s actually the favourite child because she never had a rebellious phase and she’s always been extremely appreciative of her parents.

(she has a sister who is 5 years younger - they were put up in dif foster homes and... it’s complicated. evelyn could have fought for being closer to her sister but didn’t, primarily because she was told her sister had a better chance of getting adopted - especially if she was lone. they haven’t seen each other in over two decades if my math is correct)

took like, a bunch of extracurricular yet somehow never fucking learnt how to swim

very polite and politically correct, one of those people with perfect posture. pleasant to be around but doesn’t socialise or share a lot about herself and her life which can really make her seem either fake and/or stuck-up and/or too serious - actually just very shy by nature.

she’s often misunderstood by people who don’t know her well, or by journalists who don’t actually take the time to sit down and talk to her.

some people probably think she bought her career but 1) her parents are rich, snobbish, and pretentious but they literally couldn’t care less about the entertainment industry tbh & 2) they’d never buy their children a career bc they believe that if you want something you work hard to get it

her career is a mixture of amy adam’s and jessica chastain’s.

the parts she picks are all very carefully chosen (and lbh when she first started she could afford to do this bc it’s not like she had to worry about money even tho her parents weren’t exactly supporting her). she probably started being credited in movies while she was still at college, but they were very small parts. it took her a long time to break-out because did a lotttt of theater at first but the parts she picked were always those small/supporting roles you know will lead you to the big ones one day and that’s exactly what happened. for those who didn’t follow her career she seemingly just.... showed up out of nowhere and jumped straight into the spotlight but she was like 32 when this happened and already had several movies under her belt.

her fiancé cheated on her one time and it’s a whole ordeal bc everyone has a god damn opinion about it but it’s... complex. the cheating was obviously all his fault but there was a lot of miscommunication happening and now... now she’s the one not cooperating. it’s very angsty and there’s lots of ups and downs and very happy moments and extremely sad moments (and they might end up taking a break at some point) and everything is a thousand times worse when your life is splashed in the front page of magazines. they do love each other very much, and that kind of makes everything worse. i have a whole plot written for it lmao

*GAVIN / MID OR 30S / firefighter or cook or smth else open fc difficulty to fit in a wanted ad: mid

As a kid Gavin had a massive attitude problem and serious unresolved issues, but once he was determined to get over them he never looked back.

He was never a genuinely bad person, it’s just that the environment in which he was raised, especially in his teens, gave him a very wrong idea of how a person, especially a boy from his social class, should go about in the world and conditioned him to act in a certain way. Even if he did help around the house a lot (honestly he was kind of a fiona gallagher in a way) he was raised (not by his family in particular but the community as a whole) with a very stereotypical notion of what boys are supposed to act like. I don’t think he ever thought too much of it, if it was right or wrong or just plain backyards thinking, it was just his reality.

He went through three decisive moments which essentially shaped his life. The first one was his mother’s death, he was around 7 and he processed it the way a young boy raised in the environment he was raised in would, plus he had a slightly older brother and it was easy to just follow his footsteps. Close as they were, their bonding was often over the wrong things or in the wrong way, and while they were already close as young children after their mother’s death they became even closer and that was also the time they started taking the art of being troublemakers to another level.

The second one was not going to college. He made it there, and on a scholarship (and he was a year younger than most of his peers and all because he got into high school a year earlier), but pretty much blew that and just walked away back home. For a while, particularly while he was trying to get his shit together, this was a part of his past that deeply disturbed him and he beat himself up about it constantly but eventually he reached the conclusion that stupid as his actions were they got him where he is, so he sort of feels like it just had to happen.

The third one was his eldest brother’s death. He died in a bar fight, or more accurately after it, and Gavin was there and he was involved. His brother’s passing really made him go off the deep end - extremely bad decisions were made during that time and a couple of those landed him in juvie. Even though that’s obviously not a good thing to have on your CV, or to just share with anyone let’s be honest, it truly the only time in his life where he seriously acted out, crashed, and then was able to evaluate himself, and angry as he was when he initially got there, being surrounded by people who had done worse things than him only made him realize that their situations and futures weren’t things he wanted for himself - they weren’t things he wanted to conform himself to.

Easier said (or thought) than done, however. He didn’t have any money of his own when he got out, nor did he have proper support, and on top of all of the things he had left on hold prior to going to juvie his half-sister also started getting herself into serious trouble. It’s not easy to get out of the place in which he was raised, either you’re lucky or risk it all or the circumstances just aren’t in your favor and no one is really rooting for you. He had some street debts to pay (both his and his brother’s), he had actual bills to help paying… it just wasn’t a good situation.

So he got a job and spent years just trying to do what he had to do to get people off his back (and it was around during this period that he started cooking at one of his jobs in a shitty joint). When he was 22/23 he nearly landed himself in jail because of his half-sister - at that point she was really young, she didn’t have a record and he didn’t want her to mess up her life so early on and potentially in such a permanent manner. Luckily he got away with community service (and his service included working with food). His half-sister apologized to him a lot, and she was thankful, but she didn’t really do anything to change her behavior. This whole affair was essentially his final drop; he was absolutely done with that whole environment and his situation, and he realised that he needed to go elsewhere, do or try something else, because if he stayed as much as he wanted to turn his life around it wasn’t going to happen.

Currently lives with a coworker but for a while he lived with an old acquaintance who used to be extremely close to his eldest brother (and by extremely close I mean, more than friends extremely close) and who was still up to his old tricks but he was very welcoming and didn’t bother Gavin in the least. Plus they had opposite schedules which Gavin found perfect because for most of the time he felt like the place was his alone (which was extremely important because it gave him time and space to develop and better himself as an individual).

He’s just a guy living his life not thinking too much about things or worrying about the future. He doesn’t trust easily though and he’s often suspicious of people’s intentions.

PS: low-key really want a “we had a crappy blind date and ended up just having sex and it’s been about a month and i just got a text from u and wait what you’re pregnant??” plot for him

*ELEANOR / MID 30S / radio show host or uni professor, probs both tbh probably gemma arterton or olivia munn if she’s not taken difficulty to fit in a wanted ad: mid

"Sunday morning with a slight hangover in the gym with no makeup on.... not going to get off this treadmill but I am considering putting my sunglasses on." that’s the eleanor #mood

if hogwarts was real, she'd have been sorted into slytherin (which is obvs a v important detail).

she's the legal guardian of her niece and nephew. she had a twin sister who died she and her husband nominated her as legal guardian of the kids - she's still learning how to handle/process this.

(she... never liked being a twin, she actually hated it and she and her twin lead every different lives, but now that her twin is gone it’s... it’s odd and she’s dealing with it the best she can. she feels guilty in a way even tho she obvs knows their death was not her fault in any way)

she’s force of nature; a very well presented cocktail of audacity, resourcefulness, energy, and confidence. she likes to think she's just staying in her lane doing her thing but she's def likes to know what's going on and if you ask for her opinion you're certainly going to get an honest answer ¯\_(ツ)_/.

honestly she totally is a "when life gives you lemons...." person: sociable, determined, headstrong, practical, outgoing, super confident, unapologetic... she can be kind of selfish and pig-headed sometimes, and she does have trouble backing away from challenges... those are two of her big flaws. she doesn't like to depend on anything or anyone and she's afraid of investing in things that will lead nowhere

when she was a teen she occasionally often made questionable life choices... altho lbh she still does, although not as often and probably not as questionable.

she's engaged (i don't know exactly how long it's been, but it hasn't been over four years), but she's definitely dated/seen other people in the past. her current relationship aside, she likely was never in any long-term/serious relationships, but if you have ideas feel free to share because honestly i live for pre-established character connections and #drama/angst.

*VALENTINA / mid30S / idk probably diane guerrero if she’s not taken difficulty to fit in a wanted ad: mid

a bit of a shy child, her parents immigrated to wales when she was 6. struggled a lot but never once complained - she was young, but old and skewed enough to realize that if her parents were leaving so much behind it was out of necessity not desire.

her younger sister was only one year old when the family moved to wales (so she grew up surrounded by english culture and fully embracing it - way too much, at times), her older brother, who got to spend his 9th anniversary in a small and damp house surrounded by no friends and family other than his parents and sisters, gave their parents a very hard time by becoming moody and picking fights.

unlike many middle children, valentina didn't suffer from middle child syndrome - she didn't have the time to, anyway. when she wasn't struggling with her social life and the english language, she spent her time devouring books, cautiously exploring the city, taking care of her sister, and making sure her brother stayed out of trouble (and, later on, making sure that her sister stayed out of trouble as well).

her father died when she was 15 - he'd been feeling ill for a couple months, but it was a shock all the same. valentina and her brother had been arguing a lot then (for a variety of, primarily mundane, reasons) and their father's passing only made it worse.

with her husband's death, valentina's mothes decided that she owned it to his memory to be a little braver - life is short after all - and about a year later she ended up meeting a guy who............. was not.............. a good person...................... but he was comfortable in life and she liked him and she thought he could help her give her children an education etc etc etc

it started with microaggressions and then not so micro ones and the next thing she knew her brother was getting smacked for lack of respect. it wasn't the first nor the last time it happened, and at one point or the other everyone got to experience what the palm of his hand felt like against their cheek or the feeling of his long fingers wrapping tightly around their arm - she got her first bruise for speaking spanish.

her brother’s girlfriend at the time was an absolute angel who helping out and with the help of her family they managed to have him kicked out in Easter. valentina's brother's girlfriend and her family offering their own house as a place for them to stay for as long as they wish.

anyway she goes to college and she’s ends up studying abroad for a while and on her first day back, she walks into her home and is greeted by a man she's never seen before - her sister popping up from the kitchen with a smile, casually and cheerfully explaining the situation. valentina knows, even before she puts her bag down, that this will end poorly. he sounds charming at first but she's met charming men like him before, and when she asks him to leave it's when he starts showing his true colours (she's not shocked in the least but she is, in a way, surprised that he put up such a poor fight and that it took so little time for him to snap). she ends up with a black eye and a bruised cheek, he ends up in the hospital. her sister promises her it was the last time.

her current job as a diplomat is one she loves - she had a good mentor too, which helped - but she never dreamed that she'd end up where she is today - she could never have, it was a dream that was so unfathomable it never even existed - and even though she has always worked hard she never even worked to have the life she has, not exactly. she never did anything with any goals in particular in mind. her only goals were always to make her parents proud and not to become a statistic.

optional: she’s in an unofficial love/hate relationship with either a journalist or another diplomat from another country and it’s.... complicated and angsty af

FRANK / 30s / late night show host open fc difficulty to fit in a wanted ad: low

all i have so far for him is that he is a late night show host. think trevor noah. probably was a voice actor at some point (or still is)

don’t have a lot for him so if im bringing him onto the site i def need to fit him in a specific plot

Owen / idk / idk open fc

there was never anything special about owen, and (although it often made him jealous that his brother was more outgoing and less anxious) - he was just a regular middle class boy and he never felt the strong desire to be any other way.

when he was in junior year he got into a car accident with his brother - the two were arguing about something stupid and the car swerved off the lane. since then, owen lives with chronic back-pain and his demeanor has changed significantly. he’s less approachable and more grumpy, in addition, he dropped out of college because of his anxiety which is something he’s very ashamed off.

"eliza” (might switch to a male character) / idk / idk open fc

✈ eliza was brought up in lower-class family in a lower middle class neighborhood. her childhood wasn’t crappy, her parents weren’t abusive, and she always had clean clothes and food on the table (sometimes it was hard, and the family certainly didn’t splurge, but her basic necessities were almost always met). neither of her parents finished college - her father dropped out and her mother didn’t even make it to college because her family didn’t have enough money to put her through it.

✈ eliza’s father, brian, is a first generation immigrant, her mother, karen, was born and raised in colorado. the two went to the same high school and that’s where they met and dated for a solid year before breaking up. they reconnected later (when they were in their mid 20s) at a mall where eliza’s mother was waiting tables and her father worked as a security guard. the truth about eliza's parents is that they clung to one another: the don’t hate each other, but they don’t love each other either, they never did. they stayed together primarily out of fear and concern that nothing better would come along - because it was convenient. they’re both people who could have gotten much further in life than what they did and, in many aspects, this is one thing that has always deeply bothered eliza. they never tried, they never pushed themselves, they never did anything for things to go any other way than the way they did. their conformism and apathy are two things eliza has always detested, and a part of her still holds this against them.

✈ growing up, eliza was very aware that she didn’t look like most people around her. in both pre-school and middle-school she was the only multiracial child. throughout her early years and teenage-hood comments and questions about, primarily, her eyes and parents were heard often - some innocent and curious, others less so. she’s not a stranger to maliciousness, bullying, and the direct consequences of ignorance, and saying that none of it never effected her would be a lie. her different looks and lack of monetary means always made her feel like she was at a disadvantage and she often felt jealous of her classmates and friends - of both their looks and possessions. not feeling comfortable to discuss these thoughts and feelings with anyone, eliza got used to process them by herself. this is something she still does to this day - she’ll seldom ask for one’s advice or input, and if she does, it’s because she truly values it. slowly and steadily, she began to use her insecurities as both a shield and a weapon - as ways of motivating her to move forward in her life, change what she could and make peace with what she couldn’t.

✈ her parents were extremely proud when she was accepted to not one but three medical schools. she was glad but their pride didn't feel like much. she didn't do it for them or with their help, it was all by her for her (besides, her father's inability to get an education and honor his parents efforts to pursue a better life is something that has never sit well with eliza, so his opinion concerning her education isn't one she ever valued a lot). money was a real concern but eliza took care of that all by herself as well: her good grades granted her a partial scholarship and throughout her years as as student she kept a job or two (even in summers). it wasn't easy, but nothing ever came easy to eliza, she never relied on easy - she was focused and determined and she knew exactly what she had to do to get where she wanted to.

✈ while eliza has always felt like she's the only person in control of her life, she's also always been well aware that, as a child and teenager, she was never someone who could afford to dwell on options and choose whatever she fancied the most. she either took what came along and made the most of it, or had to stay objective and practical. choosing to study medicine was a combination of all of those. it was practical, she didn't dislike it, it gave her good career prospects, and it was also an homage to her paternal grandparents - her grandfather was a doctor before he immigrated and her grandmother always talked about she wanted to have become a 'brain doctor'. while eliza's grandfather died when she was very young, eliza's grandmother kept all of his notebooks and she took great pleasure in going through them with her granddaughter.

✈ eliza’s main motivation growing up (and, perhaps, even today) was to not turn out like her parents. she doesn’t even consider what they have an actual life because, as far as she’s concerned, they’re exiting and not actually living. it’s frustrating for her, it has always been, especially because their decisions didn’t just affect their own lives but also hers (ie: she could have gone to better schools, lived in a better house, tried different hobbies, etc etc etc). in addition, even though they never accomplished anything significant and are the epitome of conformism, they often feel entitled to have opinions and pass judgment that eliza simply doesn’t tolerate. for instance, they often question her parenting (even before her daughter was born they already questioned whether or not she'd make a good mother, and they still grind her gear about her "handing over" the majority custody to her ex) and they were very vocal about their disapproval of her marriage, and what eliza hates the most and has trouble living with is that almost everything they said happened. (there are times where she finds herself wondering if they were right, not about the obvious things, like that she married too fast, but the little ones, like that deep down she said yes because just like them, scared that nothing better - or nothing at all - will come along.)

✈ she was 27, a surgical resident, and already a mom when she got her right hand's fingers stuck in a car's door. she broke three and ended up with nerve damage that prevents her from making specific gestures with a steady hand. so that, was the end of that. the injury rarely impacts her daily life unless she's like, trying to eat with chopsticks or has to sew something up. she's gotten used to doing a lot of things with her non-dominant hand though.

✈ while defensive and often assertive, eliza isn't someone who likes to argue. it exhausts her beyond words and makes her relive her teenage years and the necessity to always defend and stand up for herself. while she was brought up in a house where it was almost always quiet, she spent a large portion of her early years listening to other people - primarily neighbors - arguing day and night. in addition, at college she shared an apartment with five very loud people who were always squabbling among themselves or with their significant others, which deeply irritated her. when it comes to her home environment and her relationships, she likes them calm and honest. discussions are to be thoughtful and polite, but if you get her going (and especially if you raise your voice to her) it'll turn out poorly - she doesn't back down, it's stronger than her.

[deleted] MOIRA / late 40s / head of the foreign desk LUCY LIU IF SHE’S NOT TAKEN difficulty to fit in a wanted ad: mid

war correspondent

got shot at

not a war correspondent anymore just a regular reporter

pissed af about it

will make you look like a fool on tv in front of millions of people

will be sitting outside your office every day for as long as it takes for you to talk to her/answer her questions

years ago (like, 20 smth) she met a war doctor while abroad and the two had a kid they gave up for adoption

honestly will likely only bring him if i can have a couple pre-establish connections like his the child she gave up for adoption, her ex, a mutual dislike with like a colleague or a politician, etc

NEAL / mid or late 30S / hockey or football player probably manish dayal if he’s not taken

neal was born to an average middle class family and has two younger sisters. his mom’s a canadian maths teacher and his dad was an english cardiac surgeon who passed away when he was around ten.

he has dual citizenship which is…….. nice

one of his sisters is married and they’re relatively close, the other one got involved in a lot of bad things when she was a teen and it seems that no matter how much help the family provides she can’t move past her issues. neal’s sisters haven’t been in touch with each other for a handful of years now. even though his eldest sister’s decision to cut ties with their younger sister bothered him greatly, he too ended up sort of doing the same thing a couple years down the road when she cleaned his apartment of any valuables. she stills calls asking for money occasionally, which is… complicated.

about two years ago his mom started dating a grandpa she met in aerobics class. he finds the whole thing really weird and vaguely disturbing but just rolls with it.

neal finds that it’s important to have aspirations and goals but it’s even more important to roll with whatever the universe throws at you. life’s weird and ends too soon, the world’s a mess; don’t overthink things, just make the most of your time while you’re here.

he’s definitely not afraid of confrontation but he has no interest in nor patient for it - life’s too short for it in his opinion. he’s that guy that really doesn’t want to get into a fight but then his friend starts it and he’s like “god damn it” and he sticks by their side

he’s not loyal to a fault tho.

even though she’s a very carefree, jovial, and relaxed person, he started to feel the weight of having responsibilities at a very young age (essentially since his father got sick), so he does get weirdly/crazy responsible and all grown-up when it comes to family and work matters, and he can be a bit of a dad with his close friends at times.

that said, he cares… but selectively so, which leads to him acting a little bit like a dick sometimes. he just has a “live and let live” attitude, buckets of self-esteem, and has never been one to spend too much time being sad or mulling things over.

he’s not one to chase after people: if you tell him “no”, he’s not going to hear “win me over”, he’ll literally just be like “k, cheers” and move on.

he’s only been truly in love once and she ended things out of the blue because she couldn’t handle his schedule and exposure & was afraid of commitment. it was gr8!!!!!!!!! totally did not fucking gut him!!!!!!

he’s someone who would really like to settle down for real but at the same time he’s not actively pursuing a serious relationship. most of the girls neal’s gotten involved with… he liked them but he wasn’t in love with them. he doesn’t feign interest, nor does he pretend to feel more than he does, but he likes to have fun and he isn’t going to wait around until ~the one~ comes along to start having fun. he doesn’t play games, he’s very honest about his intentions so if it’s just flirting/sex, you’ll know it. if he feels something more, he’ll tell you. occasionally he’s not being as clear as he thinks he is and that had resulted in some pretty awkward situations.

optional: he got married to an old friend at some point, they had a daughter, and they divorced a year after they got married. the press made a huge deal out of it. it wasn’t. they parted ways amicably and are still very good friends. the reason why they divorced is simply: his wife could tell that while he loved her he didn’t love her as much as he was still hung up on someone else, and she refused to be in a marriage like that.

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