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herobrinna · 1 year

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ok so ive spammed my friend with toh thoughts a bit to much so time to ramble here i suppose. (sorry in advance thisll be very disjointed and go from one random point to another).

my main take away from the finale is that it felt a bit... hollow?

like dont get me wrong, the animation was so fucking good. getting more titan and collector lore was also so cool (and hellooo The Titan being such a genderqueer royal? absolutely love how natural toh rep is, like its just thrown out there and no one questions it, just how shit is, absolutely bangers- *gets shot*). and aaaa, the aged up re-designs of all the characters are so good, especially like the detail how all the hexsquad have a flapjack tattoo.

yet there are so many bits that just feel off? like they couldve been handle better (even with the cut runtime the show had).

first lets start with the Collector who just got done dirty, like their whole arc was about the fear of being alone again, yet at the end they decided to leave? just like that? like would it not make more sense for him to stay with Eda, to learn to control his powers better and make new friends. especially them leaving to "mature" or whatever doesnt really make sense, like how can they grow as a person if they dont interact with others, if they dont get exposed to different opinions and believes and all that.

and i dont really like Collie, but it still feels like he deserved better, especially after taking up so much runtime.

actually you know what wouldve made the show better? not introducing the Collector in the first place.

no but think about it, why waste so much runtime on a character that didnt even exist before the show was cut (and thus had very little foreshadowing and buildup to his introduction) and then to not even give them a sweeter ending?

if anything the show shouldve stuck with the Day of Unity being the true finale. like honestly if DoU happened over the 3 specials they actually had plenty of time to flesh out all the existing characters further, maybe there could have been even a little more time for more slice of life moments. but then the whole bit with Collie just feels likes taking away precious time, that his character could have only worked if the show wasnt cut, but if it wasnt cut he wouldnt have existed in the first place, so man idk.

and on the topic of the DoU, holy shit Belos got done dirty, im actually mildly mad at his demise.

like it just overall doesnt make sense thematically.

like, ok this is gonna be hard to phrase, and i would like to straight away say i dont think Belos should ever be redeemed, just gonna use other characters redemptions as example.

so toh throughout its enite runtime is really set on showing that everyone deserves a second chance for as long as they want and are willing to change. we see this with Lilith who was pretty much immediately redeemed at the beginning of s2, and whilst many people say it was rushed, or she didnt deserve it, i think otherwise. like throughout s1 she only tries to get Eda into the Emperor's coven out of the belief that Belos will cure her, cuz yknow, she feels really fucking guilty for cursing her sister, and even then she doesnt really force Eda that much into joining, like there are many moments of weakness were Lilith couldve dragged Eda to the emperor, but she didnt, she gave Eda many chances to join on her own. and again the only reason she even wanted Eda to be in the coven was to right her mistake of cursing her. so after going through that guilt for years of course shed be forgiven quickly, as she showed that she wants to change, be better and all that.

we see this with Hunter as well, though his redemption was more gradual, yet still his past wrongs arnt brought up, like how he patronised Eda and Luz during his first meeting, or attacked Amity in eclipse lake, cuz he was also doing shit out of the belief of helping people, and clearly wanted to change for the better, so why bring up his past wrongs when hes a better person now and all that.

why bring this up?

well with Belos toh brought up an interesting dilemma, what do you do with a person that doesnt want to change, thats stuck in a loop of his short sighted beliefs in a system thats ready to accept and help anyone that tries to change regardless of their past?

and the answer to that being to just kill him?

like how does that solve anything? he died thinking he was in the right, that witches are still spawns of satan or whatever tf. it just feels like it goes against what the show established.

now dont get me wrong, the scene of him trying to manipulate Luz for the millionth time and her just staring him down completely unfazed is amazing, it says more than any actual words could ever. what isnt is then Raine, Eda and King immediately stomping him afterwards, which again, just proofs Belos' point that witches are "evil" from his perspective. (how did he even die from that when even mf Collie wasnt able to kill him? and ne got hit by a car and that *still* didnt kill him either, it just feels like he shouldve survived that)

so imagine if instead of them stomping him down they decided to imprison him, that will of course also have the effect of saving him from the boiling rain. so now Belos has to live with the fact that it was witches that saved him, the same witches he'd never show that kind of mercy to, the same witches he would murder the second he got the chance, and what makes it worse is the fact that the human, the one he oh so creepily obsessed over didnt even do anything, wouldve left him suffer in the boiling rain if she had the choice.

and just generally, letting him actually *live* with the consequences of his actions would have been so much more fitting. like dying is easy, wayy too easy, an escape from consequences, but actually living with said consequences, well thats delightfully horrific.

and his death isnt the only way that they done him dirty, the Titan also basically just said that Belos is just evil and theres nothing more too it, when there literally is?? like hello what were all thos Hollow Mind paintings for if not to show that Belos aint just pure evil, how he is a victim of shitty circumstances, yet how despite that it doesnt excuse the extent to which he took shit to.

and the just forgot about that?

... oh right, they forgot the memory paintings even existed untill someone posted their own redraws of them, no wonder they fucked Belos' character up so much :/

man im getting tired from rambling this much lol

but overall its just toh has so many missed opportunities, i could go on and on about them, although not like my rambles make any sense probably, and many people have def explained similar point much better so im just gonna shit up now.

(and of course im gonna rewrite this for my oc x Belos au <3 )

#toh spoilers #toh #the owl house #emperor belos #btw random question but how come people with amity pfps have the worst takes on Belos?

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daegall · 2 years

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Nightwatch.

pairing: bf!hyuck x reader

genre: fluff, slight angst, hurt comfort, dystopian!AU

warnings: um mentions of war, explosions, gunshots, and reader holds a gun

word count: 1.4k words

a/n: BOO hi im in brainrot enjoy this also if youre confused about the whole concept bae me too idk why the earth went to war i just wrote it mindlessly LOL

networks/taglist: @neoturtles @knet-bakery @ficscafe @kflixnet @k-radio @nct-writers + @soobin-chois @markhyuckselca @addictedtothesummernights @jaehunnyy <3

It's 4 in the morning, and strangely, you don't feel all that tired despite it being so early. You've been awake for more than 6 hours, and yet not a single thought in your brain is about sleep.

Instead, it's about the rifle in your hands, the gunshots you hear in a distance, everything you could miss at a blink of your eyes.

You've been trusted by your team to handle nightwatch this week, and you will not let them down. You sit on the balcony of your safe house, and old treehouse you had found a while back, scanning over the city.

Anxiety constantly runs through your veins, worry and doubt about letting your friends down.

There's a creak behind you, the ever so familiar creak in the wood you hear everyday. A heavy footstep follows after, and you scramble to your feet to aim your rifle at whatever was approaching.

Much to your relief, it's only Lee Donghyuck. Instantly, a sigh slips from your lips, and it's then when you realize the fast beating of your heart.

"Woah there," Donghyuck mumbles, before slowly pointing your weapon away from him. "Just me."

"Jesus Christ, Hyuck, you scared me."

Donghyuck chuckles at your worried tone, gesturing for you to put the gun down. You comply easily, knowing if anything happened, Donghyuck would be able to think quick enough to save you.

He grabs softly at your wrist, tugging you towards him, before planting a soft kiss at your jaw. "You're good at nightwatch,"

You huff, knowing that it's not entirely true. There are a lot of people better at than you. Jeno, Mark, heck, he himself could be way better at defending the team better than you.

Donghyuck invites you to sit next to him, right on the wooden floors of the balcony. You plop right next to him, to which he instantly takes you in his arms. "I can take over, if you want. You should get some sleep,"

Your fingers tug on his, tracing each and every curve on his palm. You smile when he curls his fingers between his, bringing your hand up to place a soft kiss on your knuckles. "Even if I wanted to, I know I wouldn't be able to."

"Alright then, just stay with me." Donghyuck sighs into your shoulder, pulling you incredibly close to him. "we haven't had some alone time in…"

"3 weeks," you finish for him, chuckling at the slight gape of his lips, a sign that you've surprised him. "when you got sick and demanded I would have to be stuck by your side constantly."

You grow soft at the memory, and you know your boyfriend does as well, you know by the soft laughter of his that vibrates into your shoulder.

There's a certain softness of the moment, and it's unlike anything you've felt the past few months. Maybe it's because you really haven't been alone with each other for 3 whole weeks, or the fact that Renjun isn't awake to gag at every little thing you do, or maybe it's of the fear and anxiety in you finally drifting away.

Donghyuck can sense that you've been pretty stressed lately, he felt it when he first approached you on the balcony. He feels terrible that he wasn't there most of the time to help you through whatever emotions you've been feeling.

And he doesn't mean to wreck the finally relaxed mood you're in tonight, but he really wants to know how you've been. Maybe he can help with them in the future, he is your boyfriend after all. He loves you more than anything.

"Hey," Donghyuck calls out softly, bumping his kneee against yours, "you okay?"

You know what he means. You know the concern he's been having for you, you know he feels guilty about not doing anything about it. You probably feel more guilty to have him feel this way.

"I'm okay Hyuck, I promise."

Your response doesn't satisfy him. You feel his hold on you tighten slowly, his facial expressions twisting sourly.

Donghyuck reaches one of his hands up to the side of your face, his movement slow as he presses his palm against your cheek. He's gentle, caressing your skin ever so softly. "Please tell me how you've been feeling, I need to know."

But at the end of the day, Lee Donghyuck is someone you love, and as much as you don't want him to see you in such a messy state, you know he needs to know everything in order to make you feel safe.

You trust him, and he trusts you. And he's willing to do anything to help. You know this, because you would do the same for him

It's not you," You finally murmur, giving into his hold and basking in his embrace. "or the team that has me like this."

"I'm just…" You can't find the right words to describe your emotions, and you feel more bubbling with each second that passes.

Donghyuck senses these emotions, quick to reassure you with a hum and a nod.

This calms you down, causes you to sigh, before shutting your eyes. "Confused? I guess?"

It's only recently when you finally realized how fucked up your planet is at this point, with all these wars and whatever conflict is going around (and there are a lot), it's scary to live in such a society.

"I just want the world to go fuck itself, and I want answers,"

Donghyuck knows how you feel, the whole team does, which is why you stick together.

"And I really, really want food, I haven't eaten in 9 hours." your words come out barely in a whisper, maybe even a sniffle. "And you. I missed you."

"Look," Donghyuck mumbles when you're finished. His fingers trace along your cheek, all the way up to swipe away the tear building up at the corner of your eyes. "I may not have the answers to why the people of Earth decided to become bitches, but I'm in charge of breakfast tomorrow—today, so I'll whip up your favorite."

Jesus Christ you love Donghyuck so much.

"And," he adds quickly when he senses you're about to interrupt him, "we're free for the next 5 hours. The gang did a lot of exploring yesterday, so I suspect they'll be sleeping like rocks until they smell some breakfast. In the mean time,"

Donghyuck tugs you further into his embrace, clasping your chin to give you a quick, soft kiss on the lips. "we can cuddle and count every explosion we hear in the distance, just how you like it."

An overwhelming urge to bawl is creeping up on you, and an even stronger feeling of pure adoration fills you, before you can stop your tears. "Thank you,"

"It's nothing."

Maybe you should take nightwatch more often.

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note-boom · 2 years

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All right. I'm bored and feel like doing this here, so I'm gonna rate some of the ability names (English version, at least) for fun/no absolute reason

(For the record, as of the day writing this post, I've only read snatches of the manga, none of the LNs, and have just watched the anime)

Let's GOOOO

Armed Detective Agency

All Men Are Equal (Fukuzawa) - 7/10 good, fits the ability, but it doesn't blow me away. Honestly makes me think of the American Declaration of Independence and I feel slightly bad for that

Thou Shalt Not Die (Yosano) - 9/10 seriously cool. I love that it's phrased like a command...it's both desperation and a demand i love it.

Super/Ultra Deduction (Ranpo) - 4/10 sorry Ranpo but this sounds like an adaptation of superstrength or super smarts for deduction. IDK maybe Fukuzawa made it up on the spot for Ranpo?

No Longer Human (Dazai) - 8/10 very fitting...captures Dazai's personality and has fun implications about abilities being part of someone's humanity even though that's probably not intended. Just an author work's ref but still a cool name anyway

Doppo/The Matchless Poet (Kunikida) - 8/10 but ONLY for the Matchless Poet (or Lone Poet) because it's so Kunikida and really conjures the image of that whole paragon archetype. Doppo Poet? Really english dub??

Light Snow (Tanizaki) - 6/10 but may get higher depending on tanizaki's arc. Such an inoffensive ability name, cute, understates what a terrifying ability it could be...a bit like the boy himself. Maybe 7 or 8 out of 10, hmm...

Beast Beneath the Moonlight/Byakko (Atsushi) - 6/10 sorry my boy, but its such a literal name (like Yosano's but descriptive instead of imperative). I'm not sure where Byakko comes from but you should have stuck with that as it's a solid 10/10 name.

Undefeated by the Rain (Kenji) - 8/10 i love the image it draws. Standing strong even though the rain is pouring WHILE it's pouring. Love you, Kenji

Demon Snow (Kyouka) - 7/10 tbh it doesnt make too much sense if you think about it too hard but it sure is a cool name regardless. And it's fun to say so my bias is leaking....

Port Mafia

Falling Camellia (Hirotsu) - 9/10 old man your ability name is PRETTY for an ability that's literally just pushing. But the words kinda fit the vibe and make the ability sound cool

Vita Sexualis (Mori) - 5/10 this is latin for sex power and im sure if you've read my tags I have petty beef against sex and romance (it's mostly as a joke but I'm still gonna let it color all my opinions). Sorry Elise...you're cool but the ability name is honestly sus. However, points for the language consistency (dead languages make anything sound cool)

Golden Demon (Kouyou) - 6/10 sorry Kouyou, but like Atsushi's, it's too literal and descriptive. But at least it sticks to the original title's name

Lemonade/Lemon Bomb (Kajii) - ???/10 i honestly dont know what i feel about this one. Kajii is the reason I look at the whole "abilities are an expression of your soul" thing with utter bemusement. I do LOVE his ability cause it's so unnecessarily random but the name? Idk...maybe 5/10? References the title but also feels slightly too literal?

For the Tainted Sorrow (Chuuya) - 10/10 im sorry but the way it sounds in English appeals to me personally. It's both the title and starring line of IRL Nakahara's poem and I honestly love that so much. Such gravity in those lines (wait....??)

Rashoumon (Akutagawa) - 10/10 it just gets points for its name staying the same in all languages. See, Atsushi? This is what you could have had with Byakko

Midwinter Memento (Tachihara) - 8/10 could be higher honestly because I love the alliteration and the phrase just has nice vibes. Don't know how well it fits the metalbending but it sure fits Tachihara and the way the past haunts him ya know? It makes me wonder if his ability is passed down or gets stronger with remembered trauma or whatever?

Dogra Magra (Q) - 9/10 no clue what this means and google isn't helping. But again with the language consistency...and it also just sounds cool and rhyme-y and slightly horrory. Its the vibes

Flawless (Odasaku) - 8/10 i like the name and all the things it connotes. You have to get real philosophical to parse the connection between his ability and its name, though. But that's why I love it

The Madness of the Jewel King (Ace) - 6/10 a cool name but the existence of Ace confuses me. Wiki says something about Alan Bennet or a character from Dostoy. Im here wondering why another foreign (it seems) dude is working so high up in the PM. Mori and his western loving tendencies, i guess? Anyway. The name also kinda feels more descriptive, but it gets points for drama

#well this was fun #im also kinda curious about the fandom's opinion on these names #i mean ive seen posts here and there but...#well anyway...i may do some of the other groups later for fun again #also they totally missed out on telling us how ability names come to be with atsushi #like child...how did you know it was called beast beneath the moonlight or byakko?#kudos i guess to the manga having a literal reason for ability names too that ties with the theme tho?#like words and names have power or some other nonsense....#anyway apologies for some of the lower ratings....but im sticking to it #bsd #bungo stray dogs #bungou stray dogs #bsd musings #humor #sort of?#armed detective agency #port mafia #too lazy to tag all the characters #spitting nonsense

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larrysballetslippers · 2 years

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Hey love, it's the lost anon again! I haven't been here for a while sorry for that. I missed you. How are you doing? Have you been well? Hope you're getting all the love that you deserve <33

So well ig I'm here again cuz i have nowhere else to go haha . It's been a rough couple of days, maybe weeks. I can't seem to keep track of it. My parents keep having these arguments over small things. It's starting to be a regular thing now. Whatever the topic may be, my parents are arguing over almost every thing. My mum is always frustrated and on edge lately, partially bcuz of her work stress but shes not like she used to be. There are some fine days where it's kinda normal but i just feel like im the cause of it all. My dad's started to be lazy and oblivious to what's happening in the house and like not caring a lot about stuff and just uk not talking things seriously. And my mum thinks that's she's always to blame and that shes angry that no one helps her in doing the housework. I try to help but i just feel like i end up making it worse uk. And buz my mums always in a bad mood it gets taken out of me all the time. Whenever I go to talk i feel like im doing something wrong. And my dad seems to have stopped worrying about it. I tried talking to my mum and asking what's wrong but all i get is the feeling that it's because of me, bcuz i did something wrong. And this environment is affecting me more than i thought it would. My mental health has been shit for the last couple of weeks. I feel hopeless and lazy and just i don't have energy to do anything. It's like i don't feel anything. I'm always trying to be happy ig, or at least not useless and broken. But i feel so lonely and stuck. I haven't been able to talk about my feels and idk if there anyone in my life that can listen to me and not judge me for it? I feel so suffocated and like i should just not exist. I feel the old depressed me coming back and idk how to stop that.

Sorry for the venting but I have nowhere else to go I'm really sorry

Hello lost anon💜💜 Before we start talking, let's hug. Pretend you're under my wing and I'm hugging you tight, all you feel is my hug. Do you feel it? Now, hug yourself for me, really really tight, then let go. That's feeling, you feel things, you're alive and you have all the feelings in the world, how numb you may thing you are. This probably will be very very long and a little personal, so cut.

I can relate to your situation more than you think. My parents also fight a lot, mostly about money. Money has been the source of our problems for the past... 12 years, may even more. My mom stopped working to take care of me and my sister, because she couldn't juggle all the balls. My dad doesn't do anything in the house, or for his children. All he does is earn money. You would think that was normal at a time, but the problem is, he expected my mom to keep working while doing EVERYTHING in the house. My dad doesn't even clean his dirty plates and only cooks when my mom is bedridden or has to be out for an emergency. So he makes my mom angry, and she feels broken and powerful.

I'm not saying that you're mom's like that, but remember that she's human too. While I know you already talked to her, maybe try to just hear her out? Go sit next to her and give her an hug, maybe she doesn't understand at first and won't talk. But begin about your day and ask about hers. Maybe after a while she will feel like she can talk to you about things. That will lead to you being able to talk to her. Without her getting angry, or you feeling guilty. Also, if possible, talk to you dad. He's still your father and although I can't, you should try to talk to him as well.

About your feelings of guilt. I can actually relate soooo well, more than you could think. I feel guilty that my mom had to stop working, so she would be dependent of my father. If she didn't, she's wouldn't be this broken. I feel guilty that I was born, that she is linked to this man for the rest of her life. Yes my sister came first, but of course I don't blame her. I only blame myself. I feel guilty that I don't have a good relationship with my dad, because she could just run away and divorce him if I did. Leave us behind, but she can't. If she goes, she has to take me. The most painful thing, I always thought that, but I didn't know if she actually considered it. But then she told me she couldn't go, because she had to take me. It gave me an understanding that my mom, she has dark thoughts, she is not a goddess that can find anything, do anything, be amazing all the time. She's human, but most importantly, she fucking loves me enough to stay. Listen to me one more time. SHE FUCKING LOVES ME ENOUGH TO STAY.

You're enough, she may get angry and upset with you, but she LOVE YOU ENOUGH TO STAY. You're her child, her everything in the world. Go to her, and just... cry. Don't put on a smile and try to be brave, just cry. She may not understand what's going on, but that doesn't mean you're not allowed to receive her love. You are the most important thing in her life and anyone who says you're not, can fucking disappear from your life.

Arguments between parents fucks with your head, but don't give up on hope. Even if you don't manage to talk to anyone about it, you can be free one day. You can leave one day, so don't give up hope. You feeling lazy and hopeless is a sign of depression, but now you see it's coming, don't give up. Remind yourself your not alone, remind yourself that life's more than you. You're just a small piece of the puzzle and you can't always change the puzzle yourself. And that's okay, that's how life is. But you're never to blame.

Get out of bed if you can, take a shower if you can, eat something you liked as a kid. Lots of sugar. Drink a glass of water if you can. Listen to your favorite song of your childhood, and then from now. Read a book if you like book. Watch your comfort movie if you have one. Draw for the sake of drawing. Dance for the sake of dancing. Scream if you need to, cry if you need to. You exist, your soul is thriving, larger than your body. You may feel small, you may feel alone, but you're neither. You were big enough to come and talk to me, you are loved by so many, you're never alone.

I'm doing alright actually, I am very unstable and honestly a lot of the problems you have, I have too, so this has been very emotional for me. But, I have been trying to start every day as a new day, a new day with emotions that don't have to be the same as the day before. I have been kinder to myself, to my inner child. I have been holding her hand, listening to her, making sure her needs are met. We are still working on the communication between us, but it's going very well. So, for the most part, I have been very well.

Take care love, and remember it all will be alright 💗

#anon asks #food tw #depression mention

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jinhyun · 2 years

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ok so im back after a time without saying anything, hello agaiiiin, miss me????

ik people are mad with hyun and i'm mad too (everyone knows that im the BIGGEST #anyonebuthyunjin team) BUT i see things that is making me change my mind towards him.

hyunjin likes her but, like he says, he never felt this way before and dont know how to deal with it, i pass for that too for a long time and god i break a few hearts too but its not that easy!!!!!!!! i can see him as an aromantic person (even if he's not) just like i am and the fact that he feels something more than lust for someone scare the shit out of him, maybe he has some traumas too, who knows??????

i think this was for the best bc hyun doesnt know what hes feeling, maybe he thinks that he likes her, but also, maybe he just likes the fact that yn puts him above everyone including herself. or maybe he just dont wanna lose her for anyone else bc he loves her, or he just wanna kiss and leave after??? there's a lot of maybe that we can talk but idk how to put in english kdjsjsjsjh. if he just go with a relationship with her ONLY BC he thinks that she wants, it will hurt BOTH

but also he NEEDS to let her go if he doesnt wanna be "stuck" with her, i think that whatever they have will start being toxic for them.

anywaaaaays in conclusion, please bring back my ynbin and also stop stalking me cause everytime i ask for an update on twitter, u update here 😭😭😭 (dont stop i love it)

hellooo, i did miss you 🥺 i hope life has been treating you right<3

yeah everything is just a big confusing mess rn for him bc on one side his heart is pulling him towards y/n but his head is pulling him towards the hoe life (?) he had been enjoying so far and he just doesn't know which one to follow. and the fact that he had never felt like that before isn't helping at all...

there are a lot of maybes like you just said, and in all of them he should just be honest with her and tell her what's really going on so she won't end up hurting in the end 😔

oof, more people asking for the comeback of ynbin... this is interesting 👀

#ask #threevracha #au: watercolor

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searchingformylostpan · 1 year

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Sorry for getting frustrated with you earlier, it's hard for me to stay calm when you're getting ovesstimulated and we're working on something since I pick up on your energy and it affects me too especially when there's not really anything I can do to help you in those times....and when it feels like you're not listening to me/taking over what I was doing/kinda felt like you were saying I was gonna mess it up and with how angry you've been getting with me nearly every day recently I'm kinda at my max and I snap back at you a lot quicker than I normally would....

and also stuff like earlier when we were getting up and you were "just messing with me" and pinching me and you say that it's unreasonable for me to ask that you not do something that actually hurts me that I don't like....idk what to do with that. I feel like I've asked you so many times now to stop hurting me, I know it's fun for you but it isint fun for me bc it feels like no matter what I say you're just gonna keep doing it and i should just be ok with it and then when I try to talk to you about it I'm being mean and you redirect the conversation to something I'm doing wrong every time. I know I'm laughing while trying to fight you off when you try to get me bc it's fun when were just playing around but you don't hold back when you pinch/spank me and it is seriously painful. I would be ok with it if it was in a playful way but I don't like constantly being afraid of you getting me by surprise and reacting badly like I did when I hit you.

Idk I wish I could talk to you about this but you shut down every time I try to or I'm being mean or you just make appaled noises at me and don't actually say anything amd just expect me to understand what that means. Even sending this to you on facebook messenger would just be left ignored like all the other attempts I've made, so this is the last method I can come up with for you to hopefully sometime soon whenever you're able to read . I don't like getting upset with you, but I also really can't handle getting hurt so much either. It's been putting me in a really bad place and I'm having trouble convincing myself that i don't deserve this bc of my choices.

Don't think that I'm ok with still being in this position...I very much am disgusted with myself all day every day for not being able to figure this shit out. But I've had to accept that im not you. I can't just will myself better and I can't figure out how to overcome whatever all my issues are on my own. I know im going to need some serious professional help to be able to break this downward streak I'm stuck in. And when I am ready to accept that help again, I don't want to walk away halfway through again. So im waiting till august when my insurance is active to check back into inpatient....i know that's not what you want to hear, me too, but i can't lose this job. I need the insurance in order to go to the rehab i want to go to that i think will be the best for me, and until then, i need to be able to survive. If that's not ok with you, i understand if you need to take some time to yourself until i can be 100% me again.

It feels like you currently see me as maybe 2% me, as someone who isint worth the effort to try to be a bit more kind to when you're hurting (your words, I asked if you could at least try to be mindful of how your words affect me and you said no, that I couldn't expect any changes or effort from you on that.) It feels a little like I'm just here for your enjoyment and my feelings don't really matter too much.....I don't like it when you cause me physical (and mental) pain and im the unreasonable one for asking you not to hurt me and why cant i just spit it out that i made a horrible decision one night last year of who i hung out with for an evening and had my right to control what happens to my body taken away from me?( Huh why is that so hard to tell say to you when youre yelling at me that you should have the right to do whatever you want to me wheneveryou want to just because i didnt used to stop you and i dont really feel comfortable telling you something that i havemt told anyone else before and that you really have no need to know? It should be enough that im telling you im nkt comfortable with it and to please stop. But no.)

and by not wanting me to even drop you off at the post it feels like youre embarrased by me and dont want anyone to know you associate with me....i was honestly shocked when you said i could come have a drink with you at happy hour and that you didn't just immediately want to go home...My self worth used to grow so much when I was around you, I know that the pain is causing a lot of this, but I can't deal with this level of shit. If it's because of my choices then please just tell me to fuck off and I'll leave you alone. I'm having a hard time believing that there's really nothing that can be done to improve things for the both of us....

I know this is a whole lot in this post....ive been trying to talk to you about this but I don't know how to get you to actually have a conversation with me about any of this so it's all just been building up....and im at my breaking point now. So please, PLEASE can we find a way to treat eachother better? I love you so very much, the only thing that really matters to me in all of this is that I feel like I can't talk to you. That's it, if we could work that out everything else would work itself out. I don't want to be apart from you for an extended time ever again, I know I will have to go away for a month or so this fall, but after (and until) that, I would love to wake up next to you every single morning.....

#tumblr makes me break it up into sections or itll just delete the whole thing and i cant get it back #it was all essentially one huge run on sentance originally....whoops i didnt proofread it too well or im not gonna post it #i am terrified to hit post #i dont want to loose you or make you think i dont love and enjoy our time together #but theres some things that are becoming a bit too much for me to pretend like im not bothered #*can wet please find a way to talk? actually talk...not yelling or just Not™️?

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hyper-homo-reblogs · 1 year

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i am so tired and also posting this on my rb account because i don't want anyone who isn't like. following following me to see it

rant/vent? under the cut? idk im just. rambling. about how i may to may not be neurodivergent. im trying to figure stuff out and im hoping that if i put it here i can maybe clear my head a bit.

im. like 90% sure i have social anxiety. that's a given though ig. most people prolly dont feel their hearts start to actually hurt when going somewhere by urself with ppl you dont know. and um. im scared of talking to people. like irrationally terrified. and it may be a consequence of me being at home all the time but honestly idk.

i think i may have adhd. i dont have a comprehensive list of everything that i do that i think is a part of adhd behaviour but. everytime i see someone mention something that is supposedly a symptom of adhd im like hey! i do that! and im starting to think its not a coincidence anymore?

BUT at the same time i feel like im. idk trying to convince myself. for some reason. like maybe im not, maybe im just connecting dots that aren't really there, maybe im trying to fool myself into thinking that im different. it doesn't help that i don't really have a reason to care about whether or not im neurodivergent. im doing fine, and im not struggling at all, so does it even matter?

idk. idk if it even matters if it should matter. does that make sense? like maybe if i want to know, then that's reason enough for me to start questioning things. but is that a valid reason to essentially self diagnose? i feel like maybe im undermining somebody else's experiences by just. saying that i might have adhd.

anyways. i think i have the inattentive type of adhd. i don't get hyperactive very often (ironic, considering my user and the general tone that i present myself with here). a lot of my symptoms match up with the inattentive type of adhd. pretty much every website lists the same things (lack of attention to detail, trouble staying focused, frequent spiciness, difficulty following instructions, being easily distracted, forgetfulness, etc) and i always feel like. yeah everyone does that. i always do that. are you sure that that's an adhd thing. it feels obvious!!! but it isn't!!! so maybe i do have it!!! maybe!!!

its. ive also started questioning if my fam is neurodivergent too. just because a lot of the stuff associate with them doesn't seem to be neurotypical. and again im stuck with the issue of like. is that fine to do? to question if they are or aren't neurotypical? because. i think my mom has the hyperactive type of adhd. or maybe both. and my dad may be on the autism spectrum. and my sister may be as well. but it feels bad to write that down!! i don't think it should feel bad to write but it does!! because what if i don't actually know them!! what if my brain is lying to me!! i don't know anymore!!

one of the top 10 things my mom likes to say is that we don't think like each other. my mom and my dad don't think the same. me and my sister don't think the same. me and my mom don't think the same. and it rlly rlly shows, in how we communicate and how we argue. and it is genuinely so frustrating sometimes. but NOBODY thinks the same, right? because its all. a result of circumstance. or whatever. and nobody's BRAINS works the same. but isn't that the point?? of the distinction between neurotypical and neurodivergent people?? are we all neurodivergent?? are only some of us?? are none of us?? I HAVE NO IDEA

okay. rant over. im. still tired. and still havent figured anything out but maybe ill come back to this later.

#dont mind this. or do.#any of my neurodivergent moots. who r following this acc. i need to know how you guys think #;-;

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thebigsick · 2 years

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venting in the safe house

if someone finds me on tumblr then i gotta end it all. just somewhere to speak my mind, hopefully find relief for the thoughts having. i keep thinking someone is coming behind me but its 12:30. i find myself in a redundant cycle of "attachment" issues with people, i want to leave the only real "friends" i have and just be myself, or just ghost everyone i know because everything so far has just been a waste of time. all the time shared with my friends was for nothing as i realize i "don't even really like them". I start thinking that and it's not real, it's not true, it's probably not honest. I see everyones lives progressing and moving in a great direction, the way id want mine to be but it feels like i just keep getting held back for a reason. i keep feeling like i have no real attachment to these people. at the end of the day, after all the things we do and say like getting food and laughing or making fun of other people, there is nothing solid between and any of them. they all wanna hang out with each other and some people just between them, but never everyone. sometimes i'm excluded and usually i get it; people do their own thing and i shouldn't be reliant on others for my happiness but they are supposed to be -my friends-. when i'm bored i talk with -my friends-, when i want to hang out i message -my friends-, when i have problems i can tell -my friends-. it's not like that tho and i get i can't have it they way "I want to", i just wish i some form of that. it feels like everyone has a much stronger bond to each other except me. i'm a loose end, it doesn't matter that much if i am there when they're hanging out or not. it seems like everyone has that thing to back to, that thing to fall back onto, that safety pad but i don't. I can't explain it that well but i will try. i don't think i'm close with anyone enough to rely on them the way everyone has/does.

i feel lonely around this time of year, it's annoying. i have been telling myself i dont need anyone for a long time, now it feels like the castle of lies ive built for myself is coming crashing down. i think someone like me, someone in my situation or in my position should have a kind of person like that, but no. idk why i think especially me but i think that would be nice. it would be great to have that sort of connection. its so late jeez work tmr too. i think ive been trying to fill my time/ keep my myself busy to avoid feeling like this. it has worked so far but it feels the effect just wore off. maybe this is a moment of weakness but the feelings have stuck with me for some time. iv'e had these thoughts many times before but never got them together and written them down. again, i wish i could tell someone i trust this instead.

my worst fear coming from this is that my friends will move on past me and hang out with each other because they are closer or have more similar personalities. i know our friends aren't perfect but it feels like their flaws are being amplified right now. i gotta brush my teeth.

ok done. my airpods are shit too. had some time to reflect and these thoughts will probably age poorly, whatever. i think i said "but" too much, its ok. i think this form of venting is helpful for me because it's like im telling someone this. i know no one is gonna see it yet it feels like the only way to could actually relieve myself from the dark room my mind is in rn. i hope it gets better. its 1am. idc we up already so long atp couple minutes cant make much difference. I wish someone was there for me emotionally. i dont think i have a "ton of baggage" but for the basic stuff. i dont know how my mom does it. just her, for years. she has more actual problems too. she is the strongest no doubt.

it doesn't seem like anyone actually wants -me-. if we are talking about making jokes, playing the game, music making talk, it's great. but when it comes to real, deep, ego-hurting feelings we all have, im a ghost. no one turns to me or think i need someone to turn to.

you know it might actually be partly my fault for not being vulnerable but that's only because i have some trust issues i think. just wish i had that one person, that ride or die, that go out "guns-a-blazin" person. im 16 now and im feeling like i might never get that person for myself. its like there was a pre-partner choosing period that i missed and now that we started, i'm stuck by myself.

im definitely not ugly or anything like that so i dont issues of that stuff, its purely rejection. lets say if i start talking to a girl i like, what i think very likely will happen will be this: we start talking, i do most of talking, the start and end of the conversation. she is clearly not interested in me but is just messaging because shes bored. she tells her friends about how i keep messaging her and dont stop. i try to move past the talking stage and she shuts it down. things are weird with us and i try to talk to someone about it and *poof*. nothing.

this music is really my main thing 🤞🏾. listening to it and making it has been there everyday for me for years. people must think i have it figured it out, right? There isn't a support system for this stuff. I MEAN theres OBVIOUSLY the "yo ur music is acc fire" comments all the time which i am honestly grateful for but it doesn't seem like anyone truly cares about this shit as much i do at all and you know, that's ok. if that was my only issue i had, id be that guy fr. it's just another thing.

i hope i find it tho, so badly, i think it would be such a positive impact on my life. maybe this music shit could get me that attention im so badly craving but probably not. is that it tho? am i just craving attention? is the lack of attention in my life effecting everything else? i hope this inspires me to go find that someone. i essentially want that special someone is what ive been trying to say this whole time but when i say it like this, i just think "wow buddy, you and everyone else".

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hugeblue · 2 years

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Ok I put this under a cut so scroll if you don't want to read my venting about sex stuff. Also I turned off reblogs.

Anyway so I tried anal for the first time. Do not read if that stuff grosses you out. Not w a partner just by myself. I had tried it before but didn't really ever know what I was doing or had the supplies. So basically I'd wait until the stars aligned once in a blue moon and my ass was just naturally clean bc I'd eaten more fiber or something. But then one time I thought I was clean, then wasn't. So I made a rule I was like ok that's gross. I'm not going to try anal again until I have the proper supplies. And I didn't try any anal stuff for like 6 months at least. Finally had the money. Bought all the supplies I needed. Lube, ( but esp for anal, I already had some lube) gloves. An enema bulb. A buttplug. And this dildo. Ok so the size online was kinda misleading. This thing is massive compared to my first one which is small and definitely beginner friendly. No the new one is literally twice as thick. It's fucking like 7 inches long and like almost 2 in wide. And that's the one I just fit up my ass.

Anyway! I knew what I was supposed to do. To do an enema. I think that part went well, until. I didn't lube the tip up. I just kinda. Shoved it in there. I should've known. I literally know better I just was like well it's really small it's thinner than a pencil it can hurt me. Well doing the enema the first time dried up my poor butthole and I think it hurt it doing the second round. There was. Not even a drop of blood. But I let myself rest for an hour. Then. I tried anal. I started out small w the buttplug. Used plenty of lube. Didn't hurt. Didn't bleed. Felt really fucking good. Bc it vibrated. I could've just cum then and probably had a really good orgasm w just that. But no. Then I made a second mistake. I wanted that big dildo in me. Also I already had the small one in my pussy but. I blame my ADHD for rearing it's ugly head. I had to have more. It was like a drug. I tried to get the big dildo in my pussy and it literally wouldn't fit. But I knew from experience that my ass can fit more. So I tried it in my ass and. It felt so intense. I had a big dildo in my butt, and a small dildo in my other hole and I couldn't help but fuck myself on them. The big one didn't fit all the way but maybe halfway. I get into it and I literally hit some magic spot inside me. I have never felt that before. It was so intense. I think it was my gspot being hit from both sides. Anyways so I'm fucking myself standing up I have the big dildo stuck to a stool I'm standing over and using one hand to jerk off and one hand to use the small dildo. I don't think I've ever cum that hard. Idk if it was the novelty of doing dp or the anticipation for that many months but holy shit. So I'm permanently ruined for whatever that sensation was.

The only problem is I might've torn my ass just slightly bc I had initially nicked it in the enema. And that would've been fine and so would the buttplug have been but im thinking the dildo my have worsened it bc it was a little bit itchy back there :(

But it could've been the lube drying too. Idk I feel like it will be fine it doesn't hurt now and I've never had hemmroids or anything like that before so it should heal p quickly even if there is something going on. I just won't use that dildo for a while.

Ok if you've read all this pls like this or message me so I know who's read it. Or don't I can't tell you want to do.

#bluerambling

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wri0thesley · 3 years

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omg wait no hold on I just requested overhaul but then I remembered your overhaul thirst post about him pulling a "curing hysteria~" as an excuse and thought I'd request something along that vibe (no oun intended). I think that'd fall under orgasm control, overstim? (hope this is okay!)

hysteria antidote - overhaul x fem!reader (4k)

seeing nothing but the same four walls every day of your life is playing havoc with your brain. overhaul thinks perhaps you're suffering from hysteria. he has the perfect cure for that.

cw: not sfw/minors dni. dark content!!! dubious/non-consent. captive reader. talk of death, blood, etc. medical kink, gloves, fingering, overstimulation, orgasm control. misogyny. mentions of pregnancy/breeding. afab reader, fem pronouns.

[a/n: idk the internet said the 28th of may was his birthday so consider this both a birthday fic and a fic to celebrate 6k followers, sorry that i am gross and horrible but tbh im having a great time <3]

You really don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to be going out of your mind.

Since the Boss was taken ill, and Kai – Overhaul, you remind yourself, though he’s always just a little less sharp with you when you trip over the new name than he is with anyone else – took over leadership of the Shie Hassaikai, you’ve been pretty much stuck indoors.

Considering that you’re pretty sure he only has fond feelings towards maybe three people in the entire world, including you, you guess you ought to feel special about it – but all it actually does is make you feel like a trapped bird, caged and restless. It doesn’t help that all of the other members of the organisation have started being weird around you; people who you’ve known most of your adult life, people who you’ve worked beside and killed beside and done other horrible things beside (for the good of the organisation, of course)--

But now, they look at you like you might break at any moment. They treat you like an invalid. Their brows crease when they see you out and about, quietly murmuring; “Shouldn’t you still be in your room?”, avoiding touching you at all costs. There’s a kind of fear in their eyes, that they’re going to be told off for even speaking to you, that they’re afraid of being caught close to you.

And you know exactly who’s to blame for that.

You’d tried to speak to him about it, once; you’d thought that perhaps he might be amenable to your desire to do something to help the Shie Hassaikai. He’s always wanted to restore them to their former glory, after all! But after you’d let out your little impassioned tirade, his eyebrows had creased over the bird-mask.

“You don’t sound well,” he’d said to you. “Go back to your room. I’ll talk to you about it later.”

You had missed, at the time, that he hadn’t said ‘we’ll talk about it later’. He’d just said ‘I’ll’. When he had come, that is how it had been; the reassurance that he was keeping you safe. That he didn’t want you to be tainted. That he was keeping you well.

Your quirklessness has never been an issue before, but it certainly hasn’t been a boon. Still, for Kai--

“It’s disgusting,” he’d said, agitated by the discussion. You’d stared at his hands, thinking about the destructive power he himself wielded. “Quirks are a curse, and you not having one is just proof you’re not infected.” He’d looked up, golden eyes piercing directly into yours. “I’m going to keep you perfect.”

Overhaul is not a doctor, for all of his talk about illness and disease and plague. You think he could have used his quirk for something meaningful, once; but you also know that his burning curiousity, his disgust of anyone who deems tainted, his utter lack of morality . . . those are all things that would not have been welcomed in the medical profession. So instead, he deals in needles and pills and altering drugs in the underground labyrinth of the compound.

Sterile rooms, with examination tables and scalpels and impersonal, silver-grey equipment. Pill boxes that rattle when he passes them to you and tells you to take three of those a day, one of those, that one has to be taken to with food--

The idea that you won’t take them doesn’t enter his head, and though he has never . . . overhauled someone in front of you, you have walked past other members of the organisation mopping and disinfecting blood and gristle from sterile flooring.

It is better to go along with him, so you take the supplements and the pills and submit to the way he grabs your chin in gloved hands on the doctor’s chair, tipping your face up to shine a light into your eyes and watch your pupils dilate. But inside, you are screaming.

You’re not made to be locked in one room, occasionally allowed out to pace the hallways of the upstairs – never the underground ones, not any more – with restless footsteps and your muscles fizzing with desire to taste fresh air. You’re not made to stare at the same walls and breathe the purified air and think about how empty the compound is, now that Overhaul is in charge of everything--

(Too many knick-knacks attract dust. Pollen allergies act up, if there are too many plants, and he hates hearing people sneeze. Furniture should be easily movable and barren, to assist in the twice-daily cleanings of every room that people walk through.)

But it’s getting too much for you. Suffocating. You feel like you’re choking on air all of the time; you take the pills, because the thought of what he could do to you is terrifying, but sometimes you wonder if perhaps it would be better if you didn’t.

You’d woken up that morning to the sound of rain hitting the high windows in your bedroom, and you had longed to go outside in your thin nightwear and spread your arms and taste the air, smell the rain, feel it hit your body in fat droplets. Your entire being had ached. You’d tried to distract yourself, with what little there was in the barren prison cell that you called a bedroom – but when the door opened at four thirty exactly, and Kai had stood there with his face as impassive as ever, you had not been able to stop yourself.

Hand fastening around his upper arm (you shouldn’t touch him, you know you shouldn’t, but the same four walls are getting to you), you’d begged him;

“I want to go outside.”

If anyone else had touched him like that, they would already be splattered against the walls and floor. But all you get is a furrow of his eyebrows, careful fingers (gloved, of course; the latex against your skin always makes you shudder) pinching at your hand to get you to let go of him.

“No,” he says. “You’ll catch a cold.”

“I don’t care,” you’re petulant, you know, frustration bubbling up in every cell of your body. “If I stay in here for one more day, I will tear myself into pieces.”

“You’re being over-dramatic.”

“Kai—”

“Don’t call me that.” His rebuttal is sharp. “You know I’m doing this for your own good.”

Your face twists into something ugly. Overhaul hates it when you do that; hates the way your brow wrinkles, your mouth moves, your normally lovely face (one of very few he can bear to look at unmasked and not feel as though he is going to get sick from merely breathing the same air of you) marred.

“You’re not,” you hiss at him. “You’re doing this because you’re fucked up! Because you’ve got some weird fucking ideas about what’s clean and what’s unclean, because you’re on a power trip, because you don’t care about other people--” Your voice is pitching and modulating, all of the things that you usually try and keep balled up inside of you spilling out that the floodgates of how unhappy you are is open.

You’re breathing heavy as Overhaul, clearly irked by what you’re saying, tugs at the wrist of one of his surgical gloves. If he’s going to kill you, good – at least it will be better than this, you think, your breath coming in short sharp pants after the outburst.

He lets go. His hands fall to his sides. His golden gaze on you is very level.

“You’re hysterical,” he tells you. An exasperated laugh falls from your mouth.

“Yeah?” You ask him. “Of course I am. Do you know the last time I breathed fresh air?”

“Seven months, two weeks, three days.” He says it without blinking. Your shoulders tense. Has it really been that long? “You haven’t been ill once in that time. The world out there is filthy.”

“It’s normal to get sick,” you try and tell him, but Overhaul is moving forward; past the doorway, and into your room. The door clicks shut behind him, the sound of a lock ominous. You don’t think you’ve ever been alone with Kai in your bedroom.

In the medical examination rooms, sure. In his office. In common areas, back when he was just the boss’ troubled protege and not the boss himself--

His eyebrows twitch in disgust as he notices the dust on your bookshelves. You’d stopped letting any of the cleaners in here a month ago; you’d refused to clean in the mean time, taking whatever small victory against your captor that you could.

“You’ll give yourself respiratory issues,” he says.

“Good,” your voice is cold, but you realise you’ve backed away from him. For all of your attempts to stand up to him, you’re terrified. Everyone knows what he can do. “Better dead than here--”

Gloved fingers around your wrist, so tight you can practically feel them bruising.

“You don’t mean that,” he says. His voice has gotten softer, cajoling. You’re trembling in his grip. “I told you. You’re hysterical.”

“I know exactly what I’m saying,” you say, but your words feel like you’re spitting them out around a mouthful of gravel. “I—I’m calm--”

Your knees knock against your bed, but Overhaul is still clinging to you; still too close. Your heart is beating so fast that you can hear it pounding in your ears.

“You’re not. You’re hysterical.” He repeats it, calmly. The hand not on your wrist reaches up and cups your face, a gloved thumb stroking across your cheek as if you’re the most delicate thing he’s ever touched. The scent of the latex is overwhelming. “But that’s alright. It’s not your fault.” He clicks his tongue behind the mask. “It’s mine. All of this checking for the physical sickness, and I didn’t think about checking your head.”

You fall onto the bed as his knees knock against yours, your back hitting the wall. It’s just a plain, single bed; rumpled sheets, because you’d fought against any attempt for someone to come in and collect your laundry, too. Overhaul looks silly in your room, you think dimly; like a huge black crow in the nest of a small, frightened wren.

“If you fight,” he tells you, “I’ll disassemble you. I’d rather not. I don’t want to taint you by using my quirk. But . . .” He’s sinking to his knees in front of you, those same methodical hands pushing up the skirt of your dress. “If I did, I’d get a blank mind to work with. I won’t hesitate. But I’d still rather simply fix you without having to break you into pieces first.”

You know him too well to think that he’s bluffing.

After all of the vitriol you’ve spat at him, he’s unwilling to kill you. Would it be worse, to be mindless and brainless under Kai’s quirk? You’ve heard some of his failed experiments before; babbling, drooling, broken things. He’s killed them sometimes just to put them out of their misery.

What if he did that, and your mind remained perfectly capable – just utterly unable to communicate with your body? A prisoner in your own skin. Worse than even now. You swallow back the lump of fear.

“H-how are you going to do that?” You ask him.

You start at how cold the gloved fingers are on your bare thighs, as Overhaul pushes them apart. Cold fear prickles down your spine. You’re too scared to fight back, but everything he’s doing is making you want to run.

“Did you know,” Overhaul says, those same hands sliding higher, to tug at the waistband of your underwear. “In the past, there were rumours that doctors would cure hysteria by genital massage and stimulation?”

His words are very clinical, but there’s a thickness to his voice behind the mask that fills you with revulsion.

“It might be nonsense, of course,” he says. Your underwear is being tugged down, pulled around your thighs, your knees, your ankle. “They theorised that the best cure was regular intercourse, male semen, pregnancy and childbirth--”

“Kai—” Your voice is a soft whine, fear-filled. This time, he doesn’t snap at you for calling him by the name he’s left behind. He simply says;

“Spread your legs.”

You don’t want to. But you want to risk what he’s threatening you with even less, so you tearfully open them as wide as you can go. He shifts forward, and the tip of the beaked mask digs into your inner thigh as he studies you like you’re nothing more than a diagram, not a living, breathing person--

“Next time I’ll have lubricant ready,” he says, under his breath, and your heart seizes up at the implication that whatever he’s going to do to you, there’ll be a next time.

You start at the sensation of gloved fingers gently parting the lips of your sex, Overhaul’s golden eyes drinking in the sight of you spread open and bare. You’re shaking, but for some reason the way he’s looking at you – the utter concentration in his eyes – makes a curl of heat flare deep inside of you.

“Don’t,” you breathe, trying not to squirm. “Please--”

“I don’t want to have to,” he says. His tone remains calm, unbothered. “I’m doing it for your own good, you know that. Just helping you along.” One finger slides through the slit; the sensation of the gloves against your most intimate, heated parts makes the muscles in your thighs clench. It’s . . . not exactly unpleasant, but neither it is pleasant. “Do you think I’m getting any pleasure out of this?”

He doesn’t like getting his hands dirty. You know this; everyone knows this. If this particular thought was so unpleasant to him, you don’t doubt he’d have found somebody else to do it (the thought of one of the other members of the Shie Hassaikai doing this to you fills you with even more revulsion than the idea of Overhaul himself). But you can’t say that out loud. Not after what he’s threatened. So you press your lips together and shake your head, gasp dying in your throat as one of Overhaul’s latex-covered fingers prods gently around your opening.

“You’re getting wet,” he tells you, as if you can’t feel the shameful slick beginning to leak from you. “That will make this easier. Good.”

You hate that the praise makes another jolt of arousal go through you. You don’t want to like the feeling of his gloves, rubbing at your heated cunt; the sensation of a fingertip circling around your entrance, brushing the bud of your clit and making you want to clamp your thighs around his hand.

He sinks the tip of one finger inside of you and you jerk, your hips out of your control as you try and sink away from the intrusion. Overhaul clicks his tongue again in annoyance at you. The hand holding the lips of your cunt open moves, to land on your hip and pin you between the bed and the wall so you can’t squirm again.

“I’ll sedate you next time, if I have to,” he says. “I’m not getting anything out of this. I’d prefer not to have to do it at all--”

He’s lying. You know he is. But you can’t call him out for it, so you press your trembling lips together and try to stop tears spilling out from your lash line as the finger inside of you sinks further and further inside, past his first knuckle, right down to the base.

He crooks it inside of you and your hands curl into the bedsheets, nails digging into your palms through cotton. His touch is curious, exploratory; has he ever actually done this to anybody before? He slides over a rough patch inside of you with the latex-tipped finger and a moan escapes your mouth against your will, your head falling back against the wall. Narrowed golden eyes look up at you as he repeats the motion; taking in the gloss of your lips, the widening of your eyes, the way your shoulders are shaking up and down.

You can feel yourself pumping more slick out; helping the glide of his finger inside of you, as he begins to carefully thrust it in and out of you. His touch is made all the more impersonal by the mask obscuring everything but his eyes and eyebrows; you can’t even hear him breathing.

Your cunt is fluttering around him, pleasure swarming you in breathless waves as he withdraws his finger entirely. He lifts the glove to his eyeline, looking only vaguely interested in how the white latex glimmers with your arousal.

“I’m going to use two now,” he tells you – and that is all the warning you get before two fingers beside one another are opening you up, scissoring your tight channel apart with an ache that you feel up to your hips. You bite back the whimper, but you’re unable to stop the choked breaths that are falling from you as he fucks you with them in steady, constant thrusts.

A covered thumb brushes your clit; swollen, now. Sensitive. Standing to attention. Your hips attempt to jerk in his hold once more, a strangled noise that’s neither pleasured nor pain falling from your throat. You’ve touched yourself, of course you have – even recently, just to try and assuage some of the boredom that fills your exactly-the-same days – but Overhaul’s fingers and thumbs and touch on you are so entirely different from that.

He continues his assault over your clit, those same eyes watching you with that same detached, clinical disposition that he’s had most of the time. There’s a cast to them that suggests there’s something more, but whatever emotion – if, indeed, he’s still capable of that – he’s feeling about having you at his mercy in this way has been pushed to the back of his mind as his thumb rolls and pinches at the bud.

Your body goes all-over heat, Overhaul’s fingers still pumping in and out of you, the slick noises of your shaming wetness echoing around the prison of the four walls you’ve spent seven months in. You’re teetering on the edge of something, hot and needy and wanting – and as Overhaul’s thumb sweeps over your poor aching clit again, you tilt your hips forward for as much stimulation as you can--

And he pulls his fingers out of you.

The heat fades into nothingness as you let out a noise of disappointment. Overhaul’s head tilts to one side, considering.

“What do you want?” He asks you. “Say it.”

No. You don’t ‘want’. He’s wrong. You keep your mouth pressed tight now that the damning noise has fallen out of it; you have managed to not let the tears trembling in your eyes spill forth. Your gaze meets his, defiant and tired and afraid all at once.

“Alright,” he sighs. “If you’re going to carry on being difficult.”

He does it again; his fingers plunging into you, scissoring you apart, rubbing against your folds with a practised agility now that he’s done it for the first time. He has always been a fast learner; always been observant. His thumb is back on your clit with ceaseless assault, and all over again you feel heat begin to build up; tension that crawls into every crevice of your being and worms its way deep inside you despite how badly you don’t want this.

The hand holding your hip loosens somewhat, allowing you to messily thrust your hips into Overhaul’s stimulation. You’re torn; you shouldn’t want to hump against the gloved fingers stimulating you, you should be wriggling and squirming away. But it feels so good; even with the skin-tight covering of rubbery latex, Overhaul’s fingers seem to find every one of your weak points and exploit them.

There it is again, building up on you; a ball of tension in your stomach being gradually wound tighter and tighter, threatening to snap at any moment. Your hips flex against his hand, your fingers clenching and unclenching on the bedsheet--

He denies you the peak of your orgasm for the second time.

And a third.

And a fourth.

“Kai--!” You’re too far gone to even think, after the pleasure has been pulled from you so cruelly, over and over again. The tears spill over your cheeks., rolling down in fat, shaming droplets. Overhaul’s eyes narrow.

“No,” he says, vehement – more emotion in his voice than you’ve heard all day. “You know what to call me.”

You know what he wants you to call him. You know that he wants to leave his old name behind, start again, be someone who can drag the Shie Hassaikai out of the shadows and into light and power once again – and he thinks that the name will help. You gurgle out a sobbing, strangled noise;

“O-Overhaul, please--”

Three fingers are plunged as deep inside of you as they can go, crooked to rub against your sweet spot; as Overhaul murmurs, detached but soft;

“That wasn’t so hard, was it?”

They thrust into you, his thumb rubbing your clit with firm, certain strokes – and this time, as the orgasm rushes up on you all at once, he doesn’t stop. He fucks you with his fingers through it, his thumb not ceasing the circling. Pleasure washes over you, finally, in great waves and crests. You feel yourself gush on his fingers, soaking him in your wetness (his eyebrows furrow again, at how close your fluid comes to spilling over his bared wrist; but you are too relieved to think about anything other than finally getting what you need).

Your hips flex, gasps falling from your mouth with every thrust of them – and you expect Overhaul to pull his fingers out of you. To stop touching you. Perhaps to strip off his gloves and put on a new pair – you know he always carries spares – and sneer at you as he walks out of the room.

But Overhaul’s fingers do not move from inside of you. The fierce rhythm of his fucking and petting and rubbing does not stop, even as the final aftershocks of your orgasm clench loosely about him and his constant stimulation becomes more of an annoyance than anything else on heated, sensitive skin.

You squirm, trying to push your thighs together to get him to stop touching you – but the hand not fucking you forces your thighs to stay parted with the curl of fingers into supple flesh, leaving you helpless to do anything but let him carry on touching you. Carry on fucking you.

A short, sharp shock of an orgasm rips through you as he swirls his thumb over your clit just so, and you realise that you’re drooling down yourself as well as panting; helpless and sloppy, utterly unable to do anything except lie there and take it until Overhaul decides he’s had enough of touching you.

You come, what? Twice more? Thrice? Until the pulsing of your channel is painful, your skin feeling red raw, your whimpers into the ceiling dry and broken. Only then does he pull his fingers out of you with a lewd pop.

A gush of your fluid that his fingers were stoppering soaks your bedsheets, and you watch, dazed, as Overhaul stands up. He looks down at you for just one moment, that stretches unbearably long in the heat-and-sex soaked atmosphere of the room.

He strips his gloves off of his hands, eyebrows twitching in disgust as he leaves the crumpled latex on your bedside table. He’s sliding on another pair as he speaks;

“Feel better?”

No. No, you don’t. You feel worse. You feel disgusted and violated and aching, your body over-stimulated and exhausted, sweat and drool and bodily fluids clinging to your skin. But if you tell Overhaul that--

“Yes,” you say, voice very soft and small and weak. You cannot see his mouth, but you see the way his eyes flash happily, the overall sensation of him smiling.

Why does Overhaul’s smile make you so scared, when Kai’s smile used to just make you feel warm?

“We’ll need to do it a few more times,” he tells you, as your blood runs to ice in your veins. “Such maladies aren’t cured in a day, after all. But . . .” He turns, rearranging himself carefully, his mask readjusted. You can’t see him as he speaks the next words. “I’d like to try some of the other suggested remedies, too.”

You think of his earlier words.

‘They theorised that the best cure was regular intercourse, male semen, pregnancy and childbirth.’

You’re never going to escape, are you? You’re going to be trapped in this compound until the day you die, and Overhaul is going to think that he’s keeping you safe--

“Take a shower,” he says to you, as he opens the door. It is not a suggestion. “And stop not letting the maids come in here to clean. I’m not having you get sick.”

You think he might be the sick one.

#overhaul x reader #yandere overhaul #overhaul smut #overhaul x you #chisaki kai x reader #bnha smut #bnha x reader #dark content for ts #5555 event fic #not sfw text #writing #afab reader #fem pronouns #misogyny for ts #bnha posting #medical kink for ts #non consent for ts #dub con for ts #non con for ts

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elysianslove · 3 years

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Please wrote more surrogate fics please . could I request one with SakuAtsu or could you just start a series on these. If you'd me comfortable with that. That on IwaOi surrogate fic brought me so much joy. I can't even describe it.

oh my goodness i’d love to!!! it makes me so happy knowing you liked it cause like,,, idk why it’s just special to me :) also im so glad you asked for sakuatsu bc these two ships are basically my favorite jhfgbsj. and yesyes i’d love to have a mini series with like little scenarios of each ship <333

this was insanely long. like insanely.

content warning; artificial insemination, pregnancy, haikyuu manga spoilers, gay people being happy idk

being iwaoi’s surrogate

BEING SAKUATSU’S SURROGATE

↬ it took forever to even get them together, so with a duo as indecisive as them, it’s imaginable how long the decision to raise a child together took. it took a long, long while for that transition from enemies to lovers to be final, and even then, they hadn’t realized how serious their relationship was until they were off getting married and then suddenly wanting a child?

↬ it was something atsumu brought up out of the blue, just casually as they sat side by side on the couch. “wouldn’t it be nice if we raised a child together?” and it stuck with sakusa ever since. he didn’t know why he was obsessively thinking about it as much, but it’s all he could think about. literally. anytime he so much as thought about atsumu with a child, and a child of their own too, his stomach did a thousand and one flips. sakusa was never the biggest fan of children, and he knew that neither was atsumu. but, this would be different, wouldn’t it? Still, he tried to remind himself of the cons; they were pro-athletes, they didn’t have time, they didn’t understand the weight of the responsibility, were they even ready for something like that? somedays it was too tiring to take care of themselves, of each other. were they ready to be responsible for a whole life, someone dependent entirely on them? it seemed too— unrealistic. like something he could only hope to dream about, and just dream about.

↬ until he thought of atsumu with a little kid, a spit image of either one of them, sitting on his lap, giggling and laughing and squealing in glee. and so he decided, there will always be cons, he just has to see if the pros outweighed them. and honestly, they did. they were pro-athletes, sure, but that also meant they were financially stable, and could provide for a child, properly. they were mature now, knew each other very well, and had adapted to living with one another. they had family and friends all around. the kid would for sure grow up loved and cared for, and him and atsumu would add another person to their family. it really seemed like a dream, but this time, an attainable one.

↬ so as he ate dinner with his lover, he blurted out, “let’s raise a child together,” and atsumu honest to god choked on his food. he asked sakusa if he was serious, if he meant it, if this was real, and sakusa’s answer was yes to every single one of his question. yes, he was serious; yes, he meant it; yes, this was real. as real as can be.

↬ they both already knew they wanted a surrogate, and it didn’t matter who was the father. so long as the child was theirs.

↬ finding a surrogate was, well, a pain, to put it into perspective. sakusa was so picky about the “requirements,” if you will, and atsumu was suspicious of every single woman, it was kind of ridiculous really. he just “didn’t trust that they wouldn’t run away with the baby!” in his words. atsumu suggested sakusa’s older sister, which seemed perfect in his head, but sakusa refused, claiming it was 1. extremely weird, and 2. he doubted she’d say yes, with her own life to handle.

↬ and it finally, finally, came to atsumu: he could always just ask, well, you. he had met you during his college years, and since then, he’d been coincidentally crossing paths with you ever since then, and you’d even managed their msby jackals team at some point. it was weirdly ironic how he’s coming back to you, kind of like fate.

↬ so he suggested it to sakusa, and for once, the latter didn’t really have any way to object, except, “what if this inconveniences her?” other than that, you were the perfect candidate. they knew you well, trusted you, knew they could rely on you. and atsumu was sure you wouldn’t run with the baby. with regards to the inconvenience part, well, they could always just deal with that when the time came.

↬ they invited you over for some breakfast two days later, after they’d thought about it properly, endlessly, and figured you were their best option. it was weird seeing them so nervous when you first arrived, like they were breaking up with you or something. atsumu barely ate with how nauseous he felt, and sakusa spent the entire time watching you eat instead, hands fidgeting and legs shaking. it was really weird, but you didn’t bring it up, letting them take their own time to tell you whatever it was they wanted to tell you, because obviously, they clearly had something to say.

↬ after breakfast, you sat in their living room, just watching the tv quietly, until sakusa offered to get you some water. you weren’t really thirsty, but you agreed anyways, unsurprised to see atsumu rise from his own seat a minute later with a, “be right back,” as he headed to the kitchen. you could hear them bickering and whisper-yelling, and if you weren’t starting to grow as nervous as they were, you would’ve had it in you to laugh. they returned looking like they were bearing the most daunting of news, sitting down on the couch perpendicular to you. atsumu’s hands were sweaty and intertwined tightly together, while sakusa tried to remain as composed as possible. it seemed like the dark haired man would speak up, finally, parting his mouth with a deep breath.

↬ but it’s atsumu that blurts out, “please have my baby!— our baby. please have our baby.”

↬ honestly, your first response was to laugh, in disbelief, as you clutch your glass of water. but then you see their faces — god they looked so goddamn scared — and you realized that, they were really serious. they really wanted you to carry their baby for them. holy shit?—

↬ you were mostly speechless after that, stuttering as you ask them to please explain, you’re honored but are they are, have they thought about this? properly? in depth?

↬ to your surprise, they really knew what they were doing. they’d done their research, and thought about a million other options before deciding that you were the best one. they also repeatedly told you that you didn’t have to do this, and that they didn’t want to guilt-trip you into doing it either. they wanted you to say yes only if you yourself wanted to say yes, and if this wouldn’t negatively affect you or halt your life in any way. you were the one that was going to be carrying the baby anyways, weren’t you? at the end of the day, this was all about you.

↬ you asked them for time to think about it, and reminded them that it wasn’t a no. you just wanted to make sure you were making the right decision whichever that ended up being. a few days later, you call them, asking them to meet up one way or another, and atsumu’s even more nervous than he was asking you; not even sakusa’s gentle lips to his temple or large hands soothingly rubbing at his back or his kind words could help him. sakusa himself was insanely anxious. in his head, it seemed like your ‘no,’ would finalize everything. that it would really mean no hope in having a child of their own, their very own.

↬ you invite them over to your home, and the kettle is already boiling when they arrive. you make them tea and make small talk if only to delay the inevitable. but, to each of their surprises, you take a deep breath and say, “i’d be honored to carry your baby for you,” with the brightest, warmest smile. sakusa has to bite his inner cheek to will himself to not cry, because he can’t believe you said yes. you agreed. you’re going to carry their baby. him and atsumu were having a baby.

↬ atsumu doesn’t stop himself from throwing his arms around you, collapsing on top of you in tight hug that you kind of can’t breathe, but you let him, and you laugh when he thanks you for saying yes, that he’ll “be forever in your debt.”

↬ it’s the happiest you’ve seen either of them.

↬ when you’re done with the process of insemination (of course, atsumu does joke that the three of you should go the natural way and have a threesome, to which he earns a smack from his lover and a smack from you, at the same time), the three of you just have to wait, really. it’s the longest period of waiting you’ve ever had to do, but you try to be patient, as patient as you can be. when you wake up one morning and throw up, you look at your period tracking app to see if maybe you were pms’ing. except, you weren’t. you were late. like a good three weeks late.

↬ immediately, you’re booking a doctor’s appointment. you wait to tell sakusa and atsumu after confirming your suspicions, because you don’t want to raise their hopes up for nothing. they’ve already been swimming in a pool of doubts ever since the insemination, calling you everyday to check up on you and ask for any progress. when the doctor confirms your pregnancy — holy shit you were pregnant — the first thing you do is go over to their house. you know it’s not the best idea to show up unannounced, but with how long they’ve been waiting, and how much they’ve been wanting this, the more and more you fed into it, you couldn’t wait any longer to tell them. you arrive, and the moment sakusa opens the door for you, you gasp out, “i’m pregnant.”

↬ sakusa’s quite literally frozen in shock, his mouth pressed in a thin line with eyes wide open, while atsumu walks over and goes, “oh hey,” in greeting before noticing sakusa’s face and just ???? “what’s going on?”

↬ “i’m pregnant.”

↬ “you’re what?”

↬ you show them with tears stinging your eyes the results of the test you’d taken at the doctor’s, and atsumu grips the report so tightly, like it’ll disappear if it slips only slightly from his hands. sakusa’s still in shock, trying to process everything. it takes him a good while before he can function properly again.

↬ the pregnancy itself is a lot smoother than you’d imagined. iwaizumi, as their athletic trainer, although not well versed with pregnancy, knew a lot about health and taking care of yourself in general, so he made sure you were always eating right and healthy. he even accompanied you once when sakusa and atsumu couldn’t, to the doctor, and made sure to ask him specifically what you should and shouldn’t be eating. all of the olympic/national team are more excited than anything. they’re insanely protective over you, and always pamper and care for you you when they can, whether that be back/neck/shoulder massages or giving you their food when they notice you eyeing it or letting you lean entirely on any of them for support as you walk. granted, they do make fun of you, especially the bigger your stomach got, but they mean well, really. suna once made fun of you and, because of the hormones, and because he was genuinely just mean, you started to cry. since then, suna swore off bullying you, at least until you gave birth.

↬ osamu is beyond ecstatic to become an uncle. he’s so excited it makes atsumu incredibly emotional. he goes with his brother on trips to ikea to buy a crib and gifts him an insane amount of baby clothes and always begins a conversation with, “how’s the baby?” every time you’re around, osamu’s hand can be found resting on your stomach, soothingly rubbing, excitedly grinning when he feels a kick. he is just so happy for his brother, he could cry.

↬ you ask them if they want a gender reveal when you find out or to keep it until the delivery of the baby, but they’re both insanely impatient (even though sakusa does try to convince atsumu to wait because it’ll be exciting, he himself isn’t even that convinced of that and they just ask you to tell them). with the help of osamu and his and atsumu’s parents, you organize a gender reveal party. the moment he sees the pink smoke, atsumu cheers so loudly it makes you laugh till your stomach hurt. sakusa’s grinning wider than you’ve ever seen him, grabbing atsumu’s face and kissing him, before pulling you into a tight hug. it’s literally the cutest thing ever, everyone just cheering loudly around you and celebrating with you.

↬ when you go into labor, you’re with neither of them, but with osamu, aran, and kita. they were staying the night at a hotel since they had training away from where they lived, and you were spending the night at osamu’s because the fathers of your baby really didn’t want you to be alone so close to your due date, and who better than osamu? your water didn’t break, but you kept having contractions. you were brushing it off as normal pain at the start, but they started to get worse, and closer together in time. kita, because he’s kita, had been keeping track, and told you how far apart your contractions were. to which you went, “contractions?!”

↬ aran’s calling sakusa and atsumu as kita grabs your bag as osamu grabs his keys and helps you to his car. you really couldn’t have been around a better set of men, because they were perfectly composed the whole time, helping you breathe and stay calm by staying calm themselves, reassuring you that you didn’t need to worry and that you will get to the hospital in time. they did flinch every time you screamed or cried out in pain, but aran held your hand the entire drive there, and kita guided you to steadying yourself as osamu drove as fast as he could.

↬ the issue was with sakusa and atsumu. to say they were freaking out would be an understatement. they were positively losing it. atsumu’s anxiety was louder than sakusa’s, but the latter’s was clear as ever on his pale skin and clammy hands. they were so annoying in the delivery room, literally faring worse off than you, who was pushing a whole baby out of her body. when you finally gave birth to a healthy baby girl, atsumu sobbed and sakusa cried in his hands, so maybe it was alright after all.

↬ they literally couldn’t believe their eyes when the nurse handed you the baby and placed her on your chest. she was so, so tiny, so beautiful, and theirs. honestly, you couldn’t hold back your own tears at the sight of her, and at their reaction to her. you held her in your arms as they thanked you, over and over and over again, for the biggest blessing they could ever receive.

↬ despite the fact that you were simply their surrogate, sakusa and atsumu knew they couldn’t just separate you and your baby, and neither could they just take her home all of a sudden. so for the first few months, you stayed in their guest room, but the baby slept in her own room. it was more difficult than you expected it to be when you were leaving her to go back to your own home, but they promised you repeatedly that they’re not really taking her away. it wasn’t as if you couldn’t visit at any time you wanted to come visit her. but at the end of the day, you knew what you had been signing up for, and that she was their daughter.

↬ she grows up to be a gorgeous woman. she’s interested in volleyball, sure, she’d been raised with volleyball players everywhere around her, but it’s not her immediate passion. atsumu thought he’d be more upset about that than he actually was, because he found out that it didn’t matter at all what she wanted to do. hell, if she wanted to do nothing at all and stay home forever with them, he was 100% on board with that. whatever made her happy and healthy, he was okay with. she grows up to be really close and really comfortable with both of her fathers, and they make sure with every passing day that no matter what, she can always come to them. and she does, about every little thing. and each and every time, they listen and advice and guide her properly. a s parents, they’re a perfect balance of strict and lenient. they set and raise her to never cross those boundaries, but otherwise they give her complete freedom. they respect her privacy, her decisions, everything.

↬ there was a day when she came back home from school, and they had taken a biology class for kids, where a teacher had explained periods to them. obviously, as curious as ever, she’d asked her dads about it, because she didn’t really get it. she wanted to know the how’s and the why’s and the what’s and the when’s. with every passing second atsumu had felt his lifespan shorten. eventually he suggested they call you, who she knew as her ‘aunt’ for the time being, since you were a woman and nobody would really explain it better than you. when she did get her period eventually, and had to sheepishly and shyly ask her dads to go to the store for her because she needed, um, supplies, atsumu lost it. sakusa had to try and calm him down all while laughing as he got ready to go to the store for her, because the drama of miya atsumu never gets old. he just couldn’t believe she was already getting her period. what the hell! what the actual hell!

↬ of course, he proceeded to embarrass her by telling osamu, telling sakusa’s parents, telling his parents. not cool :(

↬ when she was old enough, especially to understand the concept of being a surrogate (oh my god the sex talk was a whole other insufferable thing), they told her about you, and that you were actually her biological mother and not just an ‘auntie.’ she tried to be angry at them for keeping it from her, but she was honestly more excited about finding out than anything. it brought the two of you closer together, and for the next mother’s day, she organized a whole brunch for you, her and her dads, got you a gift, flowers, everything. yeah, you did cry.

↬ you genuinely have never been more satisfied and thankful for a decision like this one, ever, especially because of how much of a blessing the outcome had been.

can u tell this isn’t my first time thinking about this. ever since i posted the iwaoi one i’ve been wanting to do a sakuatsu one, but i didn’t really know whether anyone had enjoyed that or would want more, so thank you for sending in this ask!! love u all mwah <3

#haikyuu x reader #haikyuu headcanons #miya atsumu x reader #sakusa x reader #sakusa kiyoomi x reader #atsumu x sakusa #sakuatsu #sakuatsu x reader #atsumu x reader

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