#idk man it just hurt real bad | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

buckys-arm-and-rios-dagger · 5 months ago

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God it's fucking wild how someone says one thing to you and it sticks with you forever in a bad way

It's been a year now and every so often my brain decides to remind me that one time in a Bucky Twitter GC I was in one of the people in it had this joke (that had stopped being funny a while ago imo) where they would Photoshop our selfies so we were bald, and they kept sending mine over and over, and one of the people in it called me "not a looker", and when I woke up and saw that and called them all on it everyone acted like it was no big deal and dismissed it as "well maybe they're just saying that because you've been acting weird in chat" and then used the fact I was mad about it as the catalyst to confront me on how I'd been acting in the chat. And I won't minimize, I DID do things that were absolute shit in there and I still feel guilty and have been working to be better. But they mixed genuine concerns with things like "you project too much onto Bucky" and "you only started posting BuckyNat stuff on Twitter after we mentioned liking it" and like...?? They also said that mentioning a situation with a person that had been in the chat was triggering for one of the current members and that I "knew that, but was still bringing it up by saying i didn't want the current situation to turn out like that one". And obviously that's AWFUL, and I hate that I was responsible for triggering someone, but I genuinely did not know that it was a triggering thing for them, and they never said until it was brought up during this.

And like. Looking back a year later I've realized they also sucked too. And again, I KNOW I did shitty things. I know that. But like the instance with the GC member essentially calling me ugly and everyone dismissing it as okay because of my misgivings was definitely a thing, but like. I watched them start to make a fake pro shipping Twitter so they could make fun of the people that followed it (they ended up deleting it bc me and one of the other members said it felt like a bridge too far), I saw the shit they said about people who would leave for a bit for whatever reason until they came back and suddenly they were best friends again. They got mad at me when I said I saw Bucky as Bisexual, going on about how he was "CLEARLY gay" and that I was "projecting onto Bucky because *I'm* Bisexual", and it made me really upset because I felt like I was being shouted down.

I don't know what this is, and I'm purposely being vague about what group it was and names and stuff because I absolutely REFUSE to call people out by name. I have no desire to make it a smear campaign or anything, I just needed to get out the fact that someone said something to me in a Twitter GC I was in that is permanently branded into my brain and has left me feeling more self conscious about my body and my fear that no one will ever see me as beautiful or worthy of love and the one year anniversary of that happening is coming up so it was on my mind.

Again, I KNOW that I did bad things in there. I'm not minimizing and I still feel guilty about them. I'm working on being better. But idk with the privilege of hindsight I also kinda think the entire group was sort of mutually toxic I guess

#not marvel #not gonna put this in any main tags bc i dont really want it getting out #tw negative #tw body image #tw body talk #tw self image #idk man it just hurt real bad #and took my already shit self image and made me even more self conscious #this is only here bc it was in a marvel gc #i might delete this later

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oh-no-its-bird · 3 months ago

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Adjusting my glasses to take a peek into the umbrella academy tag like Hmmmm. Maybe I don't want to watch the new season after all.

#im gonna be real I didnt even realize it had come out yet #where was all the marketing?? i saw none of it #Ive complained to friends before that a lot of the umbrella academy feels like hurt no comfort in a bad way #theyre SO good at making interesting compelling conflict on a personal level with the characters #and every time it happens I go “oh man I cant wait for the others to find out about this thing and react to it!”#but then it just. never happens. its forgotten and replaced with more character angst only us the audience seems to truly care about #example comes most to my mind is like almost every single thing that happens to Klaus in s1 #my son got the end of the stick over and over and over and it was either always ignored or used as a punchline #and thats only funny the first 3 times #same w Luthor basically almost being sexually assulted by Allison (am I remembering that right? its been a while)#it happens. its bad. the audience goes “oh fuck I cant wait to see the reactions / pay off from other characters ab this”#then it just doesnt! give us that!#it never gives us that pay off!#idk that was always my biggest pet peeve #the umbrella academy #birds rambles

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cyberfunsupporter · 20 days ago

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it’s not that curly is necessarily bad but he’s complicit which is incredibly bad actually. yes he was mad at jimmy but approached it from the standpoint of it being a misunderstanding because he views jimmy as a good person and the idea of “a person’s worst moments don’t make them a bad person” is so clearly reinforced throughout the game. but this is the one thing that can’t be made better. and to be honest, i don’t think anya would stop being curly’s friend if there were a happy end but i think it’d be hard sometimes. to be close. cause you can’t erase the lack of action. yes, curly wanted things to be good between the team since they were mid delivery. but it’s the undermining of what happened to anya, although not purposeful or malicious, it still hurts. and it hurts the victim so badly. and it let jimmy just do whatever. jimmy hurt curly after, tormented anya and never took responsibility. curly can’t erase his part in that. i think anya would be uncomfortable sometimes or feel sick thinking about it. the lack of action

#she also would not keep that child anyone who thinks so is crazy #she has no savings why would she keep/carry her abusers kid and she already thought about causing a miscarriage in game #like hello #if she didn’t already have a miscarriage from the stress she’d abort it (if there were time) or give the kid up for adoption #like idk man #but yeah her and curly would stay friends but it’d be hard sometimes and that happens #it’s just not something to really fix easily #curly could apologize but he’d never get it #he’s complex in the way real men think #it’s sickening and it hurts so bad especially when it happens to you #it’s like uniquely bad so #she’d work past it but again. sometimes it’d be too much #and i think people are missing that. the complex emotions of their relationship #🧸#curly’s a caring captain but like. you know. what happened is just

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six-of-cringe · 2 years ago

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never thought i'd say it. not happy about gay sex

#look. some of it might not be as bad as it seems.#i don't have context or all the facts i haven't watched it yet #maybe this 'bathroom scene' is just a precursor for a later callback #but like. jesper had a one night stand or something with wylan and FUCKING FORGOT ABOUT HIM???#real cute real romantic. /s #the hypersexual bi man trope!! the unnecessary sexualization of queer relationships!!!!#like there's nothing wrong with stories about relationships like this! to me it's the fact that it's being applied to wesper!#a relationship which i enjoyed bc of the slower building of care and knowledge and trust and meaning and all that sap shit #these writers do not know how to show queer characters' sexualities without making them have sex.#jesper just forgot about the prince who fell into the wrong story dude i'm gonna be sick #of all the ways they could have written jesper and wylan's pre-SoC history........bruh #listen wesper might have been the least developed of the SoC relationships but holy shit it was better than this #jesper wylan get behind me sweethearts #idk how to describe why it feels so hurtful. it just feels like something has been taken from that story #shadow and bone netflix spoilers #sab spoilers #s&b spoilers #delete later #this isn't like SEX BAD GAY SEX BAD. it just has me going like. who are these guys. these are different guys.#they are doing strange things that the people they claim to be would not. this story has been altered in a way that makes me feel it less #if you enjoy it still fine. but for me it detracts.

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irregularbillcipher · 1 year ago

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going over old fic notes and outlines and character talks with friends and it's always really funny when i get to the stuff i was developing early-mid 2019 where bill just literally kept kryptos around to rag on, and he genuinely just. did not like the man. like was just completely annoyed with his general existence. boy have things changed

#for anyone curious: i came to the conclusion that no amount of 'this guy sucks but he's fun to bully' would get bill to keep someone around #for like literal eons. bill gets bored of his toys too quickly. he'd break 'em. plus the fact that bill decided he was worth saving to begi #with. there was at first an element of 'i owe the guy' because [FIC SPOILERS] and a grudging 'if i had a gun to my head i'd say he was my #best friend i GUESS but do not tell him that' but no real genuine friendship or anything more #before realizing that with the specific story i was going to tell it just made the most sense to have these assholes still be like.#bad people for sure but to actually care about each other. it also just felt too easy to write bill off as someone whose cruelty is just #a lack of certain emotions. like that doesn't automatically make a bad person and a bad person doesn't automatically lack emotion #(there's a character that'll be introduced sometime soon who is aroace and doesn't make friends easily and she's lovely because...)#(idk man. i'm aroace and why shouldn't she be. a lack of affection doesn't make you bad and the ability to feel it doens't make you good)#so bill can and does love people-- even if actual vulnerability is near impossible to get from him-- and kryptos is included in that #it's just that he still sucks really bad and hurts and even kills people that he loves because again. bad person who has no idea how to #navigate relationships healthily because of his own baggage and the environment he grew up in #(also in canon he usually does not want to navigate relationships healthily because. again. he sucks!)#so the only lasting relationship he's ever had where he isn't trying to hurt someone is still just... messy as hell #(and to be fair kryptos is also a p. bad person by adulthood it's just that they're pretty young at this point in the fic)#(so there's less avenues to show that)#kryptos being desperate for any scrap of attention and bill providing the only attention he's ever gotten was always the vibe #but it really was much more of a 'bully and bulling victim who he lets hang around him because said victim'#'is like the only one willing to talk to him' dynamic which is... very much not the case anymore #as said in the tags of my fic. these awful shapes care about each other as best they can care about anyone #anyway sorry idk how much anyone really cares about these tag essays but theyre helpful for me to get my thought process like... down #and track how different the story used to be

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hecksupremechips · 7 months ago

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Actually cry so goddamn hard when I think about Shinjiro Aragaki healing and being loved and having to learn to be okay with himself and being taken care of

#writing him has just been like. OOOOWOEOEOEOOE i piss tears i cant handle this shit this gay ass shit #i came up with an idea for just like a cute short one shot i wanna do soon and hnnnghh im so emo about it #very healing its like very hard to write some of the shit im gonna be writing cuz basically #some of it is just a little too real man and while i crave the angst and the drama i am just like #AND THEN EVERYONE HOLDS HANDS AND ITS OKAY PLEASE DONT CRY PLEASE #and ive mentioned how shinji has accidentally become nb to me now because i just kinda happened to write him that way without meaning to #and now another thing im noticing is that in my fic hes kinda bpd coded #it definitely wasnt intentional but now im accepting it as truth no one can stop me #i just really need him to be happy its more important to me than anything else man i need it for me #and he needs to be gay with aki they need to kissy and i think its funny cuz even in the parts where shinji is mad at aki and pushing him #away its like. he kinda has it bad lol and its clear he feels no actual hatred towards aki but more just self deprecation because he doesnt #feel good enough and like idk i just think about their respective roles in society like #aki is an honor student star boxer hero very attractive very kind very popular got adopted by a rich family #hes going places you know meanwhile shinji is a drop out who never had a family ever hes homeless hes sketchy hes on drugs #his reputation couldnt be any worse and he just leans into it and feels he has no future and hes worthless garbage #and aki could literally have anyone he wants you know he has an army of girls pining over him but he doesnt want them #HE WANTS SHINJI AND NO ONE ELSE HE SPENDS YEARS CHASING AFTER HIM #and shinji HATES it hes trying so hard to push him away and be the crusty delinquent and make aki see how worthless he really is #but aki just doesnt stop he loves him so much makes me sick SICK #and shinji really loves him back hes like not gonna shut up ever about aki hes like either doing it in a gay ass annoyed way #or hes like ‘haha omg aki is so cute though hes always trying so hard to be tough but hes just so sweet and gentle you know i hope he #doesnt push himself too hard if he got hurt id fall apart hes so silly i hope hes eating good i desire him carnally’#yeah sorry gamers this is just a pairing i cant be normal about they mean so much to me personally the fate of the world rests upon them

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soldier--poet--queen · 1 year ago

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what came first, the body dysphoria flare up or the internet deciding now was a fantastsic time to show me transmasc content

#rin rambles #tw i get real heavy in the tags #SLAMMING. MY. HEAD.#HHHRGHHGHHH I GET SO ANGRY AT MYSELF #WHICH I KNOW IS STUPID AND POINTLESS BUT ARGH #every time i like. even have the twinge of these emotions. my brain is like ah.#so you're a failure? you're a fucking disappointment? man. sucks to be you. you should do something about that dysphoria. OH RIGHT.#and then i cry a little in Adoration it's okay #it doesn't feel okay. but like. ah.#i just feel like a disappointment to God. like He gave me this body and i hate it. and i hate that i hate it.#idk i just feel like i'm in so much pain. and then i try to talk with other Catholics about it and i'm seen as a wounded animal. or inhuman.#and they're like 'your dysphoria isn't causing you the anguish it's something else' LIKE IT CAN BE BOTH?#is it so bad to say that YES i am sad that i can't transition? that this causes me grief? but i follow Christ because ultimately He is worth #that pain and suffering?#is it bad to say that love is a sacrifice? and that the whole point of sacrifice is that it hurts?#where was that one post about the ai generated Bible verse. bc it wasn't /totally/ theologically correct but ough.#it made me feel things. i know God sees me and loves me. despite everything. there is love

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weirdlizard26 · 8 months ago

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grbrggbfrgbbffbrg

#wl26 #hrng #feeling cute might never talk to anyone ever again #why do i alllllways say the wrong thing #or idk #one moment i have this one image of the world #and i think doing things in a certain way is correct #then i learn that apparently its wrong and you should communicate if youre unhappy about something #ans so i apply that to my life onward #and then like im sorry this happened but maybe next time tell me youre not ok with this #only to then be told that i shouldve known #and i guess i should have #but i didnt #because assuming is also wrong #because not everything is about me #so is there no way of doing anything right or am i just an asshole and a loser with memory so bad i cant recall what happened last week #did happen? did i just think about doing or saying it so hard that my brain registered it as a real action?#who fucking knows man #im so tired #i dont know #is there something wrong with me or am i jusy a jerk #am i just faking the whole neurodivergent shit so that i can make excuses for myself when someone gets hurt #is that all it is

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todayisafridaynight · 1 year ago

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uhhh something something 'the only time a yakuza should laugh with his teeth is when he's with family or in trouble' something something arakawa gradually doing so more and more when hanging around jo something something Uh Oh™️