#idk man it just hurt real bad
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God it's fucking wild how someone says one thing to you and it sticks with you forever in a bad way
It's been a year now and every so often my brain decides to remind me that one time in a Bucky Twitter GC I was in one of the people in it had this joke (that had stopped being funny a while ago imo) where they would Photoshop our selfies so we were bald, and they kept sending mine over and over, and one of the people in it called me "not a looker", and when I woke up and saw that and called them all on it everyone acted like it was no big deal and dismissed it as "well maybe they're just saying that because you've been acting weird in chat" and then used the fact I was mad about it as the catalyst to confront me on how I'd been acting in the chat. And I won't minimize, I DID do things that were absolute shit in there and I still feel guilty and have been working to be better. But they mixed genuine concerns with things like "you project too much onto Bucky" and "you only started posting BuckyNat stuff on Twitter after we mentioned liking it" and like...?? They also said that mentioning a situation with a person that had been in the chat was triggering for one of the current members and that I "knew that, but was still bringing it up by saying i didn't want the current situation to turn out like that one". And obviously that's AWFUL, and I hate that I was responsible for triggering someone, but I genuinely did not know that it was a triggering thing for them, and they never said until it was brought up during this.
And like. Looking back a year later I've realized they also sucked too. And again, I KNOW I did shitty things. I know that. But like the instance with the GC member essentially calling me ugly and everyone dismissing it as okay because of my misgivings was definitely a thing, but like. I watched them start to make a fake pro shipping Twitter so they could make fun of the people that followed it (they ended up deleting it bc me and one of the other members said it felt like a bridge too far), I saw the shit they said about people who would leave for a bit for whatever reason until they came back and suddenly they were best friends again. They got mad at me when I said I saw Bucky as Bisexual, going on about how he was "CLEARLY gay" and that I was "projecting onto Bucky because *I'm* Bisexual", and it made me really upset because I felt like I was being shouted down.
I don't know what this is, and I'm purposely being vague about what group it was and names and stuff because I absolutely REFUSE to call people out by name. I have no desire to make it a smear campaign or anything, I just needed to get out the fact that someone said something to me in a Twitter GC I was in that is permanently branded into my brain and has left me feeling more self conscious about my body and my fear that no one will ever see me as beautiful or worthy of love and the one year anniversary of that happening is coming up so it was on my mind.
Again, I KNOW that I did bad things in there. I'm not minimizing and I still feel guilty about them. I'm working on being better. But idk with the privilege of hindsight I also kinda think the entire group was sort of mutually toxic I guess
#not marvel#not gonna put this in any main tags bc i dont really want it getting out#tw negative#tw body image#tw body talk#tw self image#idk man it just hurt real bad#and took my already shit self image and made me even more self conscious#this is only here bc it was in a marvel gc#i might delete this later
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Adjusting my glasses to take a peek into the umbrella academy tag like Hmmmm. Maybe I don't want to watch the new season after all.
#im gonna be real I didnt even realize it had come out yet#where was all the marketing?? i saw none of it#Ive complained to friends before that a lot of the umbrella academy feels like hurt no comfort in a bad way#theyre SO good at making interesting compelling conflict on a personal level with the characters#and every time it happens I go “oh man I cant wait for the others to find out about this thing and react to it!”#but then it just. never happens. its forgotten and replaced with more character angst only us the audience seems to truly care about#example comes most to my mind is like almost every single thing that happens to Klaus in s1#my son got the end of the stick over and over and over and it was either always ignored or used as a punchline#and thats only funny the first 3 times#same w Luthor basically almost being sexually assulted by Allison (am I remembering that right? its been a while)#it happens. its bad. the audience goes “oh fuck I cant wait to see the reactions / pay off from other characters ab this”#then it just doesnt! give us that!#it never gives us that pay off!#idk that was always my biggest pet peeve#the umbrella academy#birds rambles
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it’s not that curly is necessarily bad but he’s complicit which is incredibly bad actually. yes he was mad at jimmy but approached it from the standpoint of it being a misunderstanding because he views jimmy as a good person and the idea of “a person’s worst moments don’t make them a bad person” is so clearly reinforced throughout the game. but this is the one thing that can’t be made better. and to be honest, i don’t think anya would stop being curly’s friend if there were a happy end but i think it’d be hard sometimes. to be close. cause you can’t erase the lack of action. yes, curly wanted things to be good between the team since they were mid delivery. but it’s the undermining of what happened to anya, although not purposeful or malicious, it still hurts. and it hurts the victim so badly. and it let jimmy just do whatever. jimmy hurt curly after, tormented anya and never took responsibility. curly can’t erase his part in that. i think anya would be uncomfortable sometimes or feel sick thinking about it. the lack of action
#she also would not keep that child anyone who thinks so is crazy#she has no savings why would she keep/carry her abusers kid and she already thought about causing a miscarriage in game#like hello#if she didn’t already have a miscarriage from the stress she’d abort it (if there were time) or give the kid up for adoption#like idk man#but yeah her and curly would stay friends but it’d be hard sometimes and that happens#it’s just not something to really fix easily#curly could apologize but he’d never get it#he’s complex in the way real men think#it’s sickening and it hurts so bad especially when it happens to you#it’s like uniquely bad so#she’d work past it but again. sometimes it’d be too much#and i think people are missing that. the complex emotions of their relationship#🧸#curly’s a caring captain but like. you know. what happened is just
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never thought i'd say it. not happy about gay sex
#look. some of it might not be as bad as it seems.#i don't have context or all the facts i haven't watched it yet#maybe this 'bathroom scene' is just a precursor for a later callback#but like. jesper had a one night stand or something with wylan and FUCKING FORGOT ABOUT HIM???#real cute real romantic. /s#the hypersexual bi man trope!! the unnecessary sexualization of queer relationships!!!!#like there's nothing wrong with stories about relationships like this! to me it's the fact that it's being applied to wesper!#a relationship which i enjoyed bc of the slower building of care and knowledge and trust and meaning and all that sap shit#these writers do not know how to show queer characters' sexualities without making them have sex.#jesper just forgot about the prince who fell into the wrong story dude i'm gonna be sick#of all the ways they could have written jesper and wylan's pre-SoC history........bruh#listen wesper might have been the least developed of the SoC relationships but holy shit it was better than this#jesper wylan get behind me sweethearts#idk how to describe why it feels so hurtful. it just feels like something has been taken from that story#shadow and bone netflix spoilers#sab spoilers#s&b spoilers#delete later#this isn't like SEX BAD GAY SEX BAD. it just has me going like. who are these guys. these are different guys.#they are doing strange things that the people they claim to be would not. this story has been altered in a way that makes me feel it less#if you enjoy it still fine. but for me it detracts.
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going over old fic notes and outlines and character talks with friends and it's always really funny when i get to the stuff i was developing early-mid 2019 where bill just literally kept kryptos around to rag on, and he genuinely just. did not like the man. like was just completely annoyed with his general existence. boy have things changed
#for anyone curious: i came to the conclusion that no amount of 'this guy sucks but he's fun to bully' would get bill to keep someone around#for like literal eons. bill gets bored of his toys too quickly. he'd break 'em. plus the fact that bill decided he was worth saving to begi#with. there was at first an element of 'i owe the guy' because [FIC SPOILERS] and a grudging 'if i had a gun to my head i'd say he was my#best friend i GUESS but do not tell him that' but no real genuine friendship or anything more#before realizing that with the specific story i was going to tell it just made the most sense to have these assholes still be like.#bad people for sure but to actually care about each other. it also just felt too easy to write bill off as someone whose cruelty is just#a lack of certain emotions. like that doesn't automatically make a bad person and a bad person doesn't automatically lack emotion#(there's a character that'll be introduced sometime soon who is aroace and doesn't make friends easily and she's lovely because...)#(idk man. i'm aroace and why shouldn't she be. a lack of affection doesn't make you bad and the ability to feel it doens't make you good)#so bill can and does love people-- even if actual vulnerability is near impossible to get from him-- and kryptos is included in that#it's just that he still sucks really bad and hurts and even kills people that he loves because again. bad person who has no idea how to#navigate relationships healthily because of his own baggage and the environment he grew up in#(also in canon he usually does not want to navigate relationships healthily because. again. he sucks!)#so the only lasting relationship he's ever had where he isn't trying to hurt someone is still just... messy as hell#(and to be fair kryptos is also a p. bad person by adulthood it's just that they're pretty young at this point in the fic)#(so there's less avenues to show that)#kryptos being desperate for any scrap of attention and bill providing the only attention he's ever gotten was always the vibe#but it really was much more of a 'bully and bulling victim who he lets hang around him because said victim'#'is like the only one willing to talk to him' dynamic which is... very much not the case anymore#as said in the tags of my fic. these awful shapes care about each other as best they can care about anyone#anyway sorry idk how much anyone really cares about these tag essays but theyre helpful for me to get my thought process like... down#and track how different the story used to be
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Actually cry so goddamn hard when I think about Shinjiro Aragaki healing and being loved and having to learn to be okay with himself and being taken care of
#writing him has just been like. OOOOWOEOEOEOOE i piss tears i cant handle this shit this gay ass shit#i came up with an idea for just like a cute short one shot i wanna do soon and hnnnghh im so emo about it#very healing its like very hard to write some of the shit im gonna be writing cuz basically#some of it is just a little too real man and while i crave the angst and the drama i am just like#AND THEN EVERYONE HOLDS HANDS AND ITS OKAY PLEASE DONT CRY PLEASE#and ive mentioned how shinji has accidentally become nb to me now because i just kinda happened to write him that way without meaning to#and now another thing im noticing is that in my fic hes kinda bpd coded#it definitely wasnt intentional but now im accepting it as truth no one can stop me#i just really need him to be happy its more important to me than anything else man i need it for me#and he needs to be gay with aki they need to kissy and i think its funny cuz even in the parts where shinji is mad at aki and pushing him#away its like. he kinda has it bad lol and its clear he feels no actual hatred towards aki but more just self deprecation because he doesnt#feel good enough and like idk i just think about their respective roles in society like#aki is an honor student star boxer hero very attractive very kind very popular got adopted by a rich family#hes going places you know meanwhile shinji is a drop out who never had a family ever hes homeless hes sketchy hes on drugs#his reputation couldnt be any worse and he just leans into it and feels he has no future and hes worthless garbage#and aki could literally have anyone he wants you know he has an army of girls pining over him but he doesnt want them#HE WANTS SHINJI AND NO ONE ELSE HE SPENDS YEARS CHASING AFTER HIM#and shinji HATES it hes trying so hard to push him away and be the crusty delinquent and make aki see how worthless he really is#but aki just doesnt stop he loves him so much makes me sick SICK#and shinji really loves him back hes like not gonna shut up ever about aki hes like either doing it in a gay ass annoyed way#or hes like ‘haha omg aki is so cute though hes always trying so hard to be tough but hes just so sweet and gentle you know i hope he#doesnt push himself too hard if he got hurt id fall apart hes so silly i hope hes eating good i desire him carnally’#yeah sorry gamers this is just a pairing i cant be normal about they mean so much to me personally the fate of the world rests upon them
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what came first, the body dysphoria flare up or the internet deciding now was a fantastsic time to show me transmasc content
#rin rambles#tw i get real heavy in the tags#SLAMMING. MY. HEAD.#HHHRGHHGHHH I GET SO ANGRY AT MYSELF#WHICH I KNOW IS STUPID AND POINTLESS BUT ARGH#every time i like. even have the twinge of these emotions. my brain is like ah.#so you're a failure? you're a fucking disappointment? man. sucks to be you. you should do something about that dysphoria. OH RIGHT.#and then i cry a little in Adoration it's okay#it doesn't feel okay. but like. ah.#i just feel like a disappointment to God. like He gave me this body and i hate it. and i hate that i hate it.#idk i just feel like i'm in so much pain. and then i try to talk with other Catholics about it and i'm seen as a wounded animal. or inhuman.#and they're like 'your dysphoria isn't causing you the anguish it's something else' LIKE IT CAN BE BOTH?#is it so bad to say that YES i am sad that i can't transition? that this causes me grief? but i follow Christ because ultimately He is worth#that pain and suffering?#is it bad to say that love is a sacrifice? and that the whole point of sacrifice is that it hurts?#where was that one post about the ai generated Bible verse. bc it wasn't /totally/ theologically correct but ough.#it made me feel things. i know God sees me and loves me. despite everything. there is love
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grbrggbfrgbbffbrg
#wl26#hrng#feeling cute might never talk to anyone ever again#why do i alllllways say the wrong thing#or idk#one moment i have this one image of the world#and i think doing things in a certain way is correct#then i learn that apparently its wrong and you should communicate if youre unhappy about something#ans so i apply that to my life onward#and then like im sorry this happened but maybe next time tell me youre not ok with this#only to then be told that i shouldve known#and i guess i should have#but i didnt#because assuming is also wrong#because not everything is about me#so is there no way of doing anything right or am i just an asshole and a loser with memory so bad i cant recall what happened last week#did happen? did i just think about doing or saying it so hard that my brain registered it as a real action?#who fucking knows man#im so tired#i dont know#is there something wrong with me or am i jusy a jerk#am i just faking the whole neurodivergent shit so that i can make excuses for myself when someone gets hurt#is that all it is
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uhhh something something 'the only time a yakuza should laugh with his teeth is when he's with family or in trouble' something something arakawa gradually doing so more and more when hanging around jo something something Uh Oh™️
#arasawa#snap chats#DO WE GET WHAT I MEAN.#im not arguin semantics rn just listen to me im gripping you by the shoulders reader#it can go either way A.) arakawa gradually seeing jo as a part of his persoanl family opposed to The General Family#B.) you know how in fanfics theres that 'Oh. /Oh./' trope Yeah. i want big man to realize he's a lil doki doki for one of his guys#why the fuck i frame it like these arent in the same vein I CANNOT THINKKKKKK STRAAAIGHT#BUT NOOOO LISTEEENNNN i know bro would be SOOO conflicted. dare i say... he'd be in trouble SEE DO WE SEE WHAT IMEA#ok you can stop looking at me. im delirious. insane. delulu. its cause i cant draw rn its hard and my head hurts#ive been struggling with this idea for. WEEKS. i CANNOT find a way to make a comic out of it and its making me loco and mad#so im just throwing it out into the ether as Free Real Estate if anyone else wants a crack at it. or yk just so i can share it#LIKE THERE'S SOMETHING HERE I KNOW THERE IS I AM BRUSHING IT WITH MY FINGERTIPS BUT I CANNOT GRAB IT#you know it fuckin bad when i actually make a text post about it thats how you know Im At My Limit#driving me insane....... i just need everyone to know im rotating them like SSBB trophies....#anyway. yeah youre right i still havent drawn shit#UUUGGGHHHHH should... or shold i sleep....#let me try to force myself to sketch something and then ill run to my car and sleep there or somethin#idk. anyway bye i love the old people
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this comment has me tearing up like i literally cant imagine going through that i would've gone postal
#if i had watched all of mindcrack in real time and then had to sit through two years of nothing i would have lost it#etho would make an offhand comment about bdubs in his singleplayer world and i'd start crying#like ive seen some nasty cc breakups where theres obviously hurt feelings and bad blood and thats why two creators dont interact anymore#but that shits got nothing on watching two people who very obviously care about each other and enjoy making content together just. stop.#because it doesn't work anymore. man.#nothing in this world more heartbreaking than two ppl who love each other realizing they just don't fit into each others lives#bro if i was watching that shit in 2015 or w/e i would feel So Hopeless#like if these two can do everything right by and for each other and still just drift apart then#how can anyone have hope for meaningful relationships ykwim#but!! seeing it in retrospect is so. idk like it's such a good lesson in patience.#wait this is already getting so rambly but whats the fucking. whats the wilfred owen quote.#'you have fixed my life -- however short. you did not light me: i was always a mad comet;#but you have fixed me. i spun round you a satellite for a month#but i shall swing out soon#a dark star in the orbit where you will blaze.'#thats. thats the ethubs break to me.#ethubs is stored in the gay love letter wilfred owen sent to siegfried sassoon in 1917#where the fuck was i going with this
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I once heard that dreaming about someone constantly means that they’re thinking about you. Maybe these people miss you too?
kneejerk reaction is that I hope they’re not thinking of me tbh
#is that the truth? I’m not too sure. I just think it’s be easier to be okay with the concept of everyone forgetting me forever than to sit#with the mortifying possibility of being known and remembered#I don’t remember my hs self fondly so I don’t see why anyone else would yknow#I was already kinda convinced everybody hated me before I vanished so I guess. if ppl are thinking about me it’s negative#it’s scarier if it isn’t lmaoo#I don’t know what’s wrong with me#but yeah I don’t think it works like that nonnie or at the very least I hope it doesn’t <3#I think I’m just a weird guy whose brain is trying to hold on to idealized memories of the past because he’s afraid of growing up#n wishes they had the insight they do now back then. if I had known I was a nb lesbian dealing w massive comp het#if I had known abt the bpd I could’ve realized that I split on ppl and myself#i was so excited to have friends and be cared about man#I hate that little guy I was but I don’t blame them for being stupid and not understanding shit. I wish I could slap my younger self on the#back of the head and be like “’be normal dumbass ur friends like you’’#I uhh often focus on hurting myself more than not hurting the people around me and it was rlly bad back then#asks#nonnie#this is all to say that I think that the constant feeling of instability and academic stress is causing me to subconsciously wish for the#the days I perceive as being easier. it’s a mishmash of real events and things that possibly could’ve been if I was normal#I believe I want a feeling of control or something? idk. idk that contradicts everything#dreams are just dreams. I’m probably just regretting how much of senior year I lost and that’s it
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i should be allowed to have a lobotomy, actually
#talk tag#actuallyocd#it's getting real bad real quick#i literally had thoughts abt hurting my friend#because he's the center of my so-ocd#i'm a terrible person and i'm not even kidding#maybe this isn't ocd at all and i'm just in denial#idk man#i just wanna sleep and forget everything#but i can't kill myself because my cats would miss me#suicide tw
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so as the world caves in (matt maltese) IS a ranwan song and no i will not elaborate i don’t NEED to,
#buzz#*conspiracy theory meme*#erha#i finished reading the novel yesterday and honestly?? slay#cried so much tho lmao. reading fanfics rn to recover#it was so good but god it hurt So Bad kshshsjsjs. i don’t even have much to say i just. hooooo#that was so much wohdjsishwjwifhehsh#also in relation to the comment above call that Wanting To Literally Stay Together through Sickness Health and Also Th e Apocalypse bcs tha#coughs#erha spoilers#cryibg tho that was so good#i mean like they rly are just sticking together no matter what like call that Drama and also call that Love screaming crying throwing up#mmmph god that was so good tho. pain was top tied and the ending was sweet enough to the point in which it felt decently worth it all#still cried tho. also meimeng real? maybe. idk. i like that little trio. they’re dumb n cute and i cried over their past timeline vers’ end#bcs they deserved to rest so much but god it hurt god it rly did#also txj reveal at the end was kinda hilarious honestly j expected them to use an extra to cover it but like. nah i like this too#also no one told me that mr canonically calls him engong-gege in post canon?? y’all! or at least in like the first extra#adorable. they’re so weird and i love them. little menaces. also smj’s ending felt Incredibly Bittersweet but honestly. i can live w that#man tho. … man. i rly do hope that in the end. he like. legitimately did care abt the sisheng peak kids. like cwn Sure but i hope he at lea#at least kind of cared abt mr (just a little bit#and like esp xm…. like things were all messy and horrible but like. still. part of me can’t help but wish.#god tho. great read but i read through most of the Angst (tm) this week and i will take years to recover#so good tho. so good. will never not say that#it was weird sure. like it definitely got weird and this is Not referring to the copious amounts of violence. we know what i’m talking abt.#but it was good. it was good. cant recommend it to any of my friends for legal reasons but god.#ranwan#… this one is fr not rly but whatever!! it’s fine i was crying over them 90% of the time
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#like lowkey really wanna stop living idk#idk#i know its not me but she makes me feel so unloveable like ill never be loved by anyone like the minute they get to know me theyll leave#like maybe they only like the front i put up and if they knew the real me theyd hate me like she hates me#i wish id never been born i feel so unwanted i literally just wanna die#if i didnt wake up tomorrow i would be so fucking happy#i dont even know anymore if i had more willppwrr maybe id just fucking kill her or myself and be done with this shit#fucking christ#i say something anything and she takes it and twists it until it paints me as a villain i dont know what to do#i literally said oh i feel carsick and she started screaming at me twlling me not to be selfish i fucking#i was about to puke#i had to shut my mouth for the next hour up the mountains while she talked like nothing was wrong#i dont know if im being unfair to her if my pov is painting her in a bad light or what#but it fucking hurts man#it hurts so much and i dont know what to do i just wanna stop living#why does she hate me so much what did i do that made her hate me so much what can i do to make her love me#shes supposed to be the mature one here but im always the one who stops fighting and withdraws so we can have some fucking peace in this ho#house#i crave the hours when shes out of the house because it means i can just exist without feeling guilty for it
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Greed makes me sick.
By: J
Woo fucking hoo, gotta love projection! (this was 100% self indulgent, idk how well it actually works with jiro but! Oh fucking well! At least im getting smth done ig)
Cw; Selfharm, Suicide Ideation, Jiro generally being unhealthy, awful writing
Once again; sorry for your eyes, goodluck
Jiro laid in his bed, glancing at the clock on his phone every so often, around 21:34. Mindlessly scrolling through some of his friends' accounts, he never wanted to admit it, but he does in a way enjoy ‘stalking’ his friends, “friends” being mostly of people he's never met or talked to a day in his life, but that's never really mattered to him.
Usually it's just to catch up on everything, ‘oh they finally got married’ etc. boring stuff, but why the hell not.
But other times like today, it made him want to throw up. He was happy for them, sure, but there was a disgusting jealousy spreading throughout his chest, traveling down his esophagus, down to his stomach, and setting there. He’s felt it before, the first few times it happened, he thought he literally had to throw up, resulting in him essentially purging to get the feeling out; it didn't ever work. He gave up on trying, it usually went away on its own, just how long would it take was the question. Minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years. It was all a possibility. The longer he felt it, the worse it became. He’d liked to say that it started off slowly, but it never did. Usually the first thing he jumped to was ‘I'll never be like them, no matter how hard I try, so what's the point in living?’ He wished he could say it was irrational, but it just wasn't. He knew due to one reason or another, he couldn't be like them, no matter how hard he tried, no matter for how long he never gave up. He would always fail. He wished he could also say that he had no desires, that would be a lie too. Seeing people do what you've wanted to do for years of your life, that you never came close to doing, so easily, it hurt. It hurt. It hurt. It. Hurt. and he wished he could say it didn't. He wished something so very mundane didn't hurt. He hated jealousy, he hated greed, perhaps that's why it hurt so much more. Because he was a hypocrite. It's not like he wished that they weren't able to do that, he just wanted to be able to do it too.
Jealousy, is an odd word. People always assume that if you are jealous- that you wish ill on whoever you’re jealous of. But that couldn't be further from what he felt. Sometimes, it was tiring to constantly work and work for something others have so easily, that you'll never get. Why does life deal such shitty hands to people who care? Or is it the other way? Shitty hands in life make you care? Either way, it still made him sick.
Somedays, he got off easy, he knew it's not their fault, sometimes motivated by a ‘you'll get there someday, you just have to keep trying’. Days like this though, that wasn't the case. Trying is pointless, not that he just feels like it, but it is. No amount of trying or wishing will ever work. Shitty hand remember? So if he couldn't do what he wanted, what was the point in living? Maybe he was crazy, fucking insane even, no one talks about this sort of thing, there's probably a reason, right?
He sat up on his mattress, took a look at his phone, then tossed it across the room. He would’ve thrown it, but he didn't see a point in breaking the phone or wall if he was angry. He wasn't even angry either, just like there was a hole in his chest where his heart should be, and that hole was filled with bile.
He looked down and stared at his hands, disgusting. Failure. He was a failure. He had good grades, sure, but it really didn't mean anything. Grades are just numbers, and numbers that didn't matter to him. If When he gets older, he's probably not going to be sitting on his deathbed thinking about how he got a 100% on a math quiz. But this?
He stood up and walked over to his ‘desk’, clean for 4 months at the simple request of a friend. It's not like she’d know or find out if he did it. Well, unless he couldn't keep his mouth shut as usual. Even if she did find out, would she care? Would she even remember what was said? Ha. Maybe she’d tell him how pathetic he was, unable to go past a small styro, he is really pathetic, so it’d be fitting.
Even if she somehow did ‘care’ as much as she said, wouldn't it be tiresome? That was one of the main reasons he stopped in the first place, taking care of people, even if you love them can be tiresome. So she was bound to get tired and bored of it. She’d probably grow to not care, part of him wanted that.
He admittedly fantasizes thinks about what would've happened if he hadn't stopped, more than he should.
Maybe she’d grow annoyed of his break/melt downs, maybe she'd make fun of him instead, he couldn't really blame her either way. Part of him wanted her to grow bored of him, but the other selfish part, hated the idea. Even now, he considered reaching out “You don't have to suffer alone, I’m always here, you’ll never annoy me.” but..
He appreciated it, but it probably wasn't meant for something like this. What was the point? It wasn't like he was gonna kill himself, no matter how badly he wanted to. Sure, it wasn't a necessarily ‘healthy’ coping mechanism, but. It's not like he could do much damage anyways right? This was just like scratching himself when he was pissed off, not healthy, but what could anyone do? It didn't really hurt, so what would be the point in taking it away?
Without caring enough to think it through, he picked up the blade, and sliced through the mid of his forearm. It stung. More than usual, but who even cares. He spun his chair around, then sat down. He brought the blade to his arm again- he really was pathetic, wasn't he? Slice- even if someone for some reason cared- slice- it's not like they should, he was pathetic and needy- slice- maybe some people in this world are supposed to die? Or suffer at least- slice- but, he didn't really want anyone else to suffer. If he met someone just as himself, would he hate them too? Or would he take pity? Slice- He smiled. His arm felt weak. Hand shaky. No one was coming to save him. No one knew of what he’d done. No matter what, he’s always alone. He deserved it.
He stared at his arm for a few minutes, the deepest he’s ever cut, after not even 5 minutes, it looks pathetic again. God he's stupid. What if she somehow does find out? She wouldn't outwardly say how pathetic he is, she wasn't that type of person. She’d probably show some sort of concern. Fuck. Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck FUCK. She’ll probably show some sort of care, attention. He didn't want that. Great. Now it looks like he did it all just for attention! Fucking wonderful.
He glanced at his phone that had been lazily thrown on the floor, part wishing someone messaged, anyone, but dreading having to respond. No matter how much he loved them, responding right after this thing, he always seemed off, too off.
He took a breath, trying to collect what little of himself was left. He should get something to drink. Yeah, that’ll probably make him feel at least a bit more level-headed.
But there again, he is a waste of space, failure, etc. he’s heard most of the names by now mostly from himself but that didn't matter, does he really deserve something as simple as drinking? Even basic things do cost money, even if just a few cents. Why waste it on himself? But his throat is so dry still,,
He walked out of his bedroom, hitting his face on the door, forgetting it was very muchly locked, precaution. He wanted to lash out, take every bit of anger out on it but then…. Nothing. Numbness. He didn't even have a good reason to feel angry. It was his fault anyways. He took a deep breath, unlocked the door, and walked out.
Walking to the kitchen, slower than usual, he started to wonder again with how he was going to hide his awful wonderful misdeed. Makeup worked.. Well honestly for him it worked awfully. Nothing ever seemed to match in all lighting, plus that was only really an option for scars, tactile cuts didn't really improve much when paired with a powder or creme (?? sorry idk), plus it could run the risk of infection. Right? He's never seen anything warning against it so maybe not? But putting something that has chemicals like that into a cut, it didn't seem correct. Considering what minuscule things could cause infection. Not that he'd mind getting infected and slowly, painfully dying. He just didn't like the look generally.
What could he do then? Wear a jacket like normal, sure, but she always finds out somehow. Gods know how, not him, but somehow. He could bandage it sure, but that ran the risk of even more questions, it wasn't exactly news that he didn't care about proper ‘aftercare’ like that. Sure, not properly covering it, cleaning the blade etc. could cause infection, but.. Well. He didn't have any excuses, he was just biased in some ungodly way that he never noticed right until that very moment! (Large cough. H e l p.)
Grabbing a random cup, he decided to just tough it out like usual. Try to not show his arm in any setting but not be weird about it, try to act normaler than usual, sure it’ll suck, but it's between that and in his mind, ‘looking like an attention seeker’. He poured out what wasn't even 1/4th of a cup of water into the cup. His throat was just dry, it's not like he'd die from dehydration any time soon. Sure, he's human, doesn't that mean he just needs the absolute minimal amount of care? Hell, this couldn't even be considered minimal! He has a roof over his head, water, food, there's so much more he could go without, gods he's selfish huh? He sat down his empty glass beside the sink, very quietly laughing under his breath, pathetic, wasn’t it? He’s so selfish, he has it well, yet he acts like he has nothing! What more could he ask for in life? Stability? What a joke. He should really be more grateful.
He stared at the glass glass beside him, staring into his distorted reflection. Well, at least there was always a way to fix it all. In the back of his mind, he was always running though, listing off methods, quickest, easiest, cheapest, messiest, etc. No matter how hard he tried, he’d never figured out the ‘perfect suicide’ in his own eyes.
Though, recently, a method stuck his eye. Nitrogen gas. He’d heard it takes one out quickly, but makes them struggle and suffer beforehand. Perfect for himself. No time to back out because of how quickly it takes you, pain before death, he’d never wanted a peaceful one. It was near perfect. But one of the main issues was managing to get any. Or get around any in general. (little did Jiro know; he was only a few letters off from his actual suicide; that being Nitroglycerin!)
But, he doubted it was realistic, for reasons already stated, so he was stuck with whatever other incredibly fucked method he inevitably decides on. It's not like he probably will anytime soon either, no matter how much he wants to. He walked back to his room, flopping down as soon as he was close enough for at least his face to hit the mattress. Thud totally comfortable.
He stood up once again, actually closing his door this time. Then sitting on the bed properly, right, shit, his phone. No, no one probably texted, they're all busy. What can only be described as a mantra he mentally spoke, trying his best to not get his hopes up and what left of his heart shattered, even if he was always deep-down hoping, begging for any sort of message.
He walked around to the far wall, and picked up his phone, quickly turning it around, anticipation and tension always left more room for disappointment. He seen the messaging app icon and- no one. A stupid update reminder. He’d rather’ve seen absolutely nothing than that. But whatever, they're busy, she's busy. He reminded himself, trying to subside the constant idea that they all fucking loath him for everything that he's ever done. But it's probably true though right? Of course it is. They all hate him. No matter how close, they all do. He’ll never change, will he? Why even bother at this point, he loved talking to them all sure, but why do they bother to talk to him? Pity? Perhaps. A disgusting feeling crept back up into his stomach and esophagus, it unknowingly had disappeared some minutes ago. Not like it mattered now. He tossed his phone to the side of his bed, on the ground, not bothering to charge it. It's not like anyone will message anyways. He's an idiot, everytime, everyday, why does he still feel such anticipation anyways? The answer didn't matter. He was tired. He didn't want to sleep, he hadn't gotten anything done, hell he was bored. But he had no energy to do anything. Just because of some stupid post. Sensitive. Weak. Pathetic. Why was he even still here? He's just dead weight to everyone he meets. What is the point.
He laid there, he didn't know for how long, it didn't matter, he heard a door shut, they're back. He couldn't talk to them or face them like this. No. He’ll fake sleeping, maybe he’ll fall asleep in the process, that'd be nice, or if he never woke up, both seem ideal to him.
He laid on his stomach, right arm obscuring his face, left in a weak fist. It was a default ‘I swear I'm asleep’ pose, shockingly comfortable too!
Staring at the back of his eyelids, repeating bright colours and vague shapes started appearing, in a way it always felt a bit soothing, it was always there for him.
Even when he wasn't there for himself.
#'sticks and stones may break my bones; but man razor blades hurt so much more'#j writes badly#no beta we die like jirou#if a lot of this seems vauge. thats the point#youre not going crazy; im just a shit writer who cant figure out how else to translate it into writing!#the nitrogen thing was 100% improv. it was baseed on a convo i had the other day and went “yeah close enough”#if he knows how to make bombs. he probably knows that nitrogen will kill you alot faster right?? thats. common knowledge#i think. (<- didnt know it)#this got me almost yelled at by my mother bc i stayed up later than usual and slept until like 13:30#(which mkaes no sense bc i used to sleep in a lotttt longer than that but oh well ig)#tryna not go off the imaginary rails on here but chat.#chat i want to fucking die.#the urge to kms but the knowledge that you probably wont attempt so you feel like theres no reason in talking abt it to anyone so its awkwa#d and youre just there like “🧍”#yeah idk were i was going with that. man i needa knit real bad. i havent in a few days. crown scarf must be real by next year. stg
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#im watching falcon and tws and im on ep 2 and just watching bucky watch this loser of a wet noodle be 'crowned' as cap is....#like. sam had it mostly right. there is no New Captain America. like you cant just bestow it like a title like hes becoming a doctor or sth#like steve passing it onto sam was the only way to do it. it has to be inherited. it has to be a will.#so get this#like i havent been in the captain america trenches in a LONG long time but my heart is fucking breaking rn#like its forreal Bad bad how my heart hurts for bucky atm#its not this losers valor to keep!!!!!!!! its not!!!! idk this man yet but !! thats not how this works! anyone who will just go#'yes i will do this thing you are asking me to do' FUNDAMENTALLY misses the point of captain america#like you dont just... ask or accept being captain america. you nut the fuck up until people say youre him. like its in the heart#not in the fucking name#like if the govt is like 'hey we need you to be the new mascot as cap' saying yes to that is just. if you say yes then you are not cap.#because cap would never. like. he wouldnt. he didnt like it when it happened in the 40s and wanted out asap bc he wanted WORK.#it was never about the recognition or being treated as a marketing tool. he was supposed to be that but HATED it. what he really wanted#was to make a real actual fucking tangible difference. thats what he wanted out of the things he did.#anyway!#UPDATE: I JUST WATCHED LIKE TWO MORE MINUTES#AND BUCKY GOING 'WHAT COULD BE BIGGER THAN THIS?'#LIKE UFKC!! FUCK! FUCKITY FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!#update 2: john walker being like 'yeahi jumped on a grenade with my helmet-'#girl. not the same!!!!#update 3: hey jw using the shield to kill someone... fucked up upsidedown symbolism
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