#idk man id rather anything than whats going on rn
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Need my fyp to sTOP recommending me softcore porn so I'm going to fill the tags with a palate cleanser thank you
#yuri yuri yuri yuri lesbians lesbians lesbians#saw#sawposting#csm#chainsaw man#signalis#evangelion#dune#idk man id rather anything than whats going on rn#girl help me#shitpost#dungeon meshi#yippie#autism#elden ring#thats about it ig cant think of much more rn
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kuro modern au stuff that i word vomited into my notes app
kind of a Vincent summoned sebastian to save ciel so ciel doesnt actually owe sebas anything
amnesia? idk
single dad moment! except theres this other dad whos kinda find.. (cough agni)
i think vincent was like do NOT let ciel know ur a demon so sebastian keeps it a secret but he doesnt have a good handle on like. Humans. so he kinda does a bad job and ciel definitely knows that he's weird but doesnt say anything. will go out of his way to gaslight you when sebastian does weird shit because he thinks its funny
"hey uhh is your dad levitating?"
"no?"
"he's flying above the school rn"
"that's a bird"
u think suddenly being a butler is hard? have fun being a dad bitch
alois is there but thats complicated. claude and hannah are DIVORCED but on decent terms (i think claude is like. toxic alpha male podcast type guy) and claude sees alois on alternating weekends!
are they demons? i dont know
i think ciel and alois can be friends. platonically. alois would probably say yes if ciel wanted to be romantic but i Promise you he does not. they are just pals :)
im saying ciel has a crush on elizabeth because i can (she's not his cousin here). emo boy x sunny church girl. said sunny church girl has to ask the mcdonalds employees for the blue raspberry slushie they forgot to put in ciel's order because emo boy is too scared.
IM 13 EVERYTHING SUCKSSSSS
grelle is actually living her best life transitioned with anne so they are ciel's aunts on his late mom's side. i think grelle likes ciel. mom figure moreso than anne is.
ciel owns four bongs and definitely a vape or two. come on now
he's also probably got celiac and is lactose intolerant he is just a feeble boy i think
he listens to twenty one pilots. sorry! sorry.
ciel is goth alois is punk those r kinda just the rules
ciel is insanely smart top of the class this shit is easy for him.
yells at sebastian daily. figured out what happened with his real parents around the age of uhhhh 12 or 13? has been an absolute terror ever since
"it was really nice of your dad to bring cookies for the field trip!"
"i hope he fucking chokes on one"
"oh!"
sebastian and claude are pta rivals.
"is this lemon bread store bought? my, how... efficient!"
"you made these from scratch? i can tell."
"i've never seen an interesting looking salsa! very exciting."
ciel purposefully invites alois over constantly bcus it pisses sebas off. alois is Terrified of that man.
"go grab the chips from the kitchen"
"but... what if mr michaelis is in there?"
"mr m- you mean my dad? tell him he can shove a faucet up his ass"
"id rather die on the spot"
sebastian will yell at ciel and is maybe a little emotionally unavailable but he's trying!!! it's hard :(
does that Dad thing where he comes into ciels room and is like hey bud......... what r u up to..
ciel and seiglinde r also palls. the smartest people in school
lizzie is a JOCK. she plays softball.
alois is a theater kid come on now
ciel is best at writing and literature analysis, specifically fiction. enjoys history, language, and Some sciences as well.
nerd
au where myspace is still a thing ciel has a myspace account
he definitely writes shitty poetry
wants to major in business
alois is a glee and pitch perfect truther
#thats all i got#these thoughts have been roaming around my brain for a while so#here#please add more im begging i want to hear other peoples thoughts so bad#kuroshitsuji#black butler#ciel phantomhive#sebastian michaelis#dadbastian nation rise up#angi#elizabeth midford#alois trancy#claude faustus#hannah annafellows#grelle sutcliff#madam red#textpost#mine#modern au#vincent phantomhive#cielizzy
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This sounds mean but is coming from a well-meaning place: why are you upset about that moid coworker. So he was nice to you, until you come to work with hickeys (kinda trashy but we’ll let it slide) and now he’s a dick. So he’s nice until he is shown evidence you had a romantic encounter with someone else. This moid is the equivalent of “add nice tokens until sex comes out.” The fact he switched up so fast the second he thought you fucked someone else ⁉��� He was never a nice guy, he never liked you, he wanted to smash and that’s it. He doesn’t see you as a person, he sees you as something to be used and discarded- once he saw someone “used” it first, he moved directly to discarding. Use your head babe, he showed his true colors. xx luv ya
no no youre right but 😭 well it just sucks to have someone show their colors like this. part of what hurts is that it really was night and day, like a complete 180, and nobody notices but me and insists its just bc he got dumped when this started happening well before that…
ive been keeping my eye on him too. hes friendly with everyone. it feels like hes going out of his way to chat everyone up - and then when im talking to someone nearby he does his best to look away. yesterday i did something bad mannered without thinking about it (tore open a packet of aspirin, spat out a piece of it😭) and he came over and was like “why would you do that, that was disgusting and inappropriate.” he has never lectured me like that. and it was the first time he spoke to me in like days. i thought he was joking!
but that was not the worst. today it came to a head, i saw him smirking and i snapped. i asked to speak to him privately (after him initially ignoring me, with an “i guess… 🙄”) and we went to the back. he kept working while i was trying to speak to him, and when i moved in front of him, he could barely even look me in the eye and he had this big dumb nervous grin on his face, and kept laughing like “haha whats the problem? 😅” granted i kept him off guard and i honestly hadnt meant to, but still. i couldnt believe how rude he was being, even if he was nervous. he used to be so courteous!
i was angry and fighting back tears bc i would literally rather die than cry in front of a man like that, so i kept my voice as calm as i could be and was like “whats going on? i understand youre going through something hard rn, but it feels like somethings wrong between us and idk why.” he brushed it off again, still laughing and smiling, and i said “well youve been acting differently for weeks, and you only speak to me now just to lecture me.” he rambled some more bullshit, like “idk sometimes i just dont have anything to say.”
yeah, right. if theres not a problem, then who just has nothing to say to someone in a matter of a DAY?
i couldnt do anything with that and i was pretty upset, so i just told him id be here when he was ready to talk and made sure to stay away from him. then after weeping in the group chat, i was a huge mess, and then my other (male) but honestly sweet coworker saw and figured out what happened and comforted me..
okay so yeah. this is whats so upsetting. its not so much i miss our flirty dynamic - its that a coworker is pulling psychological petty high school bullshit over seemingly nothing - or worse, you and i are right, and hes icing me out for having a sex life! i feel like im going nuts!!!!
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I've finally snapped
I am so fucking mad rn I literally hate his name so much that I'm not buying the pack immediately after release
I got so mad that I literally went on a rant about it during the Livestream and didn't pay attention to anything else they were showing. Like I blacked out entirely like idk what was going on in the pack I just blacked out and all I know was I ranted so hard that I spent my money on sonic x shadow generations instead even though I've never played a sonic game In my life and i dont know the controls
Ill figure out how to play, I already bought it out of rage because id rather spend my money on sonic x shadow generations than buy a pack with the worst retcon in history imo
I'll buy it when it's on sale for 20 because I was gonna buy because of nervous subject but the name change Upset me so much that I felt it wasn't worth 40 dollars it lost its worth to me they ruined my favorite character, they removed his nuerodivergent behaviors and trauma how dare they! He's supposed to be nuerodivergent, but they've made him the worst possible thing, nuerotypical...
You were doing so well Sims team than you blew it, I had the biggest meltdown over this that it killed all my excitement for this pack. I don't want it anymore sims team I don't wanna have to make pascal and his brothers younger every time I wanna date him. I hate this game for reconning my lore
Sims team Don't mess with Sims 2 lore challenge ( impossible)
I'm so angry man, I've gone on a rant again.. there I go blabbering about how they've ruined my comfort character, I'm just tired man. I just don't want my favorite things being tampered with, please don't tamper with my nervous subject, gp ahead destroy the bella goth mystery, make Agnes crumble bottom toxic and ruin her whole lore
At least I didn't care about them as much as I care about nervous subject and the curious brothers..
Like anything but those five ( including Tycho) don't mess with my boys, please sims team..
Nervous Subject will always be nervous subject.. I'm not accepting this change ever, especially since hes named something so stupid, could've been a death related name, but nooo his name literally means nothing i looked it up to see if it had meaning, it means literally nothing. Make sense the sims means nothing anymore.. I've finally snapped is this what you've wanted Sims team
You lose Sims team, I'm not buying this pack until it's on sale for 20 dollars
I was gonna buy at release for the picture of the spectre family, but since that's not my nervous subject, I don't want it anymore. I don't want that nervous subject.
I'm definitely still continuing with my spiderverse au, this just makes the spiderverse au look so much better considering how much better I could do with nervous for free than the Sims team can with billions of revenue.
Whoever named nervous that come out here, I just wanna talk.. I just wanna talk to them.. I just wanna talk to them *holds gun* I just wanna talk to them. I just wanna talk to them . I just wanna talk to them. I just wanna shoot em. I just wanna shoo- / not srs, but I mean it when I wanna ask why that name and how many better names there are than nylon or neon or whatever the fuck that name is..
Lemmie drop some names here
Osiris ( idc about the alien in the Sims Freeplay stfu)
Anubis
Obsidian
Nyx
Mysteria
Phantom
Xolotl
Moros
Mairon
Memento
Selene
Mort
Morvoren
All of those mean death, like at least choose a name that means death, nyon means literally nothing, its basically pointless.
Anything but nyon would've been better
I'm sorry that I'm going on and on and on about it but I'm so distressed idk what to do about it I'll stfu now but the rest of my feelings are in the tags
OKAY NYON SPECTER
#ts2#the sims 2#strangetown#simblr#ts2 premades#nervous subject#i wish I missed the stream#so i could be upset about this name before seeing the gameplay#maybe the gameplay would've been better if i simply hated the name before the gameplay#because everything else from the lense of hating the name ruined everything else for me#i genuinely couldn't enjoy anything else because of this name#thats how mentally unstable i am#like my whole day was ruined by a retconned name that can easily be changed in cas#but its the fact id have to change it every single time that upsets me#i make new saves often#so like this'll be absolutely annoying for me
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//from 5.12.23
hey.... im going a lil cray cray over lf x a5 crossover au.. (also 8:11 bcz im a loser for oc x canon :3)(still coping over this stomache) if i dont send smth in 5 minutes shoot me im going too cray cray/j
lf already kind of has ties to a5 since the entities still being alive and just kinda moving around but not really - maybe ill age up adam and oliver to use as background characters but whos knowss
not canon or anything just a silly little thought but erm. what if all 3 were connected via religion 😁 emilio, natalia, charlotte and isabella from lf already have religious backgrounds, 8:11 practically revolves around religion and a5 entities pretending to be angels could wreck some havoc on the damned basilica teehee,,, since im too silly with char.ai most of the characters mentioned already interacted w/ 8:11 bots to kinda get an idea of how everything would play out even if it was ooc... younger emilio and amelia def actually confided in francis while everyone else was at least a bit suspicious (minus isabella but uhmmm. lore reasons) idk abt the entities since i havent rlly worked on anything but their designs but maybe ill give them different abilities and only one of them knows francis' true intentions:3c
OH YEAH idk if ill ever tell him abt it but maybee i could throw in adams ocs too since bros absolutely batshit insane over 8:11 rn. i have screenshots of him being insanely gay over a french guy btw if anyone wanted to see/j ANYWAY ehheheee maybe felix and samuel knew the martin kids at some point :33 bunch of religiously traumatized kids meeting, what could happen??? (felix and emilio both stabbed their siblings at skme point 💀) ANYWAYS i think sam and samuel would get along not just because uhh similar names but idk since were kinda split between making sam a bitch or actually nice... oh and i never drew sam or amelia properly yet whoops a5 exploded my mind
btw abt the entity mfs id like to think most of them usually stay in human forms except for atlas whos kinda the socially awkward one whod rather stay as an animal so no one tries to talk to him lmfao
but hes also extra so anyone at the basilica sees a fucking bear with antlers and the fur pattern of a deer and gets jumpscared (they all get used to it later and only vistors get jumpscared) OH AND ABT THE OC X CANON STUFF. not rlly shipping i just dk what else to call it but tee hee maybe isabella and vittorino have mad beef because her dad died at the basilica not soon after vitto joined so shes mad sus 😁😁 but only to be a bitch bcz she finds him utterly disgusting. her cousin allen kills him bcz he kinda was suffering anyway and she actually helped plan it loll
everytime girl comes across the stupid hoe they always glare at each other or get in a fight... usually verbal bcz natalia would go rabid if vitto tried to hit bella ykyk
oh and since im trying to align the stories together a bunch of ages r gonna have to change... idk if emilio or oliver is gonna be the older one but there is no way in hell a priest is younger than someone still in school... but then again overthinker wont stop comparing emmy to felix so ion wanna make him too close to blondies age but then again again felix is like 50 now... ill probably make emmy 36 and amelia 41 ig. klaus has too many white hairs to only be 40 anyway/hj but then adams still older than klaus.... i mean ig i could just use the excuse that he dyes his hair since he already has highlights
this is a whole mess uhm.
im unoriginal asf so emilio and jericho can bond over being people pleasers and cupioromantic but their first and only ever crush was abusive 😁😁 (<- definitely not projecting) (i lied. jericho only ever gets with elio bcz of that one time on valentines day irl) (im normal i swear)
OH WHILE IM TALKUNG ABT EMILIO. BEFORE I FORGET
bro went from snarky rude ass hoe to the most pathetic bird known to man for silliness reasons/hj
bros insanely mentally unstable, has chronic pain and heart problems, trust problems and definitely either a drinking or smoking problem. hell he can even jack both of them if he wants/j uhm. but i decided to make him less of a mary sue with all the language stuff n shit. idk if i ever mentioned it but who cares its my channel grr/j anyways instead lf the grocery list of languages he can speak, he can only speak english, greek, and belarusian 👍 also asl but idk if youd count that as smth he can speak
still torturing his pathetic ahh but anywayss abt that one tobias/future emilio art. the snake he has was originally gonna be named mobius for his symbolism stuff (and a hi3 ref/silly) but maybee i might rename the snake fang or michael as in adams late husband because uhmmm. what if adam was like a father figure to him when they met and he at some point got him a snake 👍👍 (he wouldve gotten a rabbit but uhm. vitto symbolism. and bro is traumatized from the vittorino ais..)
that is all for neow bcz i need to go take medicine 😭
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I have a huge life update to share rn--- My top surgery consultation is scheduled for July 5th!!!! I’M SO EXCITEDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!! I’ve also been vaccinated!! :D ANNNDDD MY LEGAL NAME AND SEX HAVE BEEN CHANGEDD!!!!! :DDDD kind of a lot has happened since I’ve been actually active around here But now I guess is the much harder part, my official surgery date will be set at the consultation, but there’s a required $1,000 fee to set the official date for my surgery. The $1,000 covers a portion of the surgery as well, and the base price for the surgery is $8,500. I’ll get the exact price on July 5th, but that’s their base rate. I need to earn or raise at least $1,000 of the total cost before July 5th to secure my surgery date!! I’m going to take commissions when I can, I have 1 almost entirely complete right now and then I can take on more! I’m gonna have a more detailed explanation of everything under the cut so this isnt super super long so pls read under there if you want all the deets Pls consider commissioning me or donating so I can get top surgery!! read more for more info and me being sappy abt my emotions--
I’ve waited so long for this and I’m fricken excited, it’s the last step in transitioning for me! It really means everything for me, I feel like I’ve been waiting forever and I can’t believe it’s finally happening !?!!! I am forever in everyones debt here and everywhere because I never wouldve even been able to start hrt if it wasn’t for the help here. I’m just so. Overwhelmed with emotion and gratitude I cant even tell how many times Ive cried and just felt like... actual gender euphoria since starting t..
So abt the appointment, I’m getting surgery with Dr. Javad Sajan, and I’m getting button hole double incision. Im serious his before and after pictures make me so emotional I am so happy and emotional for those people and I cannot wait to feel that kind of happiness and relief. But a big problem about this for me, is that he is in Seattle, and I live in southern Oregon. I can’t drive, so I have to rely on someone else, or take the train from a nearby city (Eugene). My consultation is over skype (which is amazing and a huge relief), but my pre-op appointment is in person, and of course so is the actual surgery. We’re planning on taking the train from Eugene because it seems to be the most reliable way to get there and back each time. Aside from my surgery, I’ve got to cover the price of the trip there and back (twice, once there and back for pre-op, once there and back post op,) and the price of a place to stay during the pre-op appointment. Right now my goal cost wise, is just the booking and base appointment price ($8,500, that’s including the $1,000 appointment setting deposit, which is just a part of the surgery cost and the base covers everything, surgery, the stay at the hospital, nips, anesthesia, everything). The full price is due at the pre-op appointment, and that’s the final bill. My insurance doesn’t cover anything because it’s out of state and county, and because its informed consent model. (which Im choosing because Id have to battle insurance for 2 years minimum if I was getting the surgery in Oregon, but I am very set on my surgeon after considering everything and calling many offices and looking through many subreddits and talking to ppl who’ve gotten it here and there) A lot of this information is on their site as well. As soon as I have my consultation, I will be right here to update everything and set the exact price, which I’ll also be including the price of transportation and staying there. As for paying, I’ve been applying to so many jobs, and even when I get interviews I never hear back from them. People keep telling me to stop admitting I’m disabled but I just can’t do that. Lying about being disabled doesnt make me abled and they don’t get that. I’m still trying though, and I am not going to stop trying until I get a job. But until then commissions and donations are my only source of income. I’ve been struggling getting help psychologically, because I have schizophrenia, and because I was diagnosed with adhd as a child, but I think I’m actually autistic rather than having adhd, and it’s been really hard trying to get diagnosed because I keep getting pushed off or told I cant have autism because I have paranoid schizophrenia or because its “just adhd”, but the medications are just making everything worse, and Ive tried more than one already. My medications for schizophrenia have started not working right, and when my schizophrenia meds get under control, it makes my adhd (?) significantly worse. Genuinely, I really dont know what’s happening. I really dont know whats going on with me right now and it’s hard and confusing and I keep swinging back and forth and it’s making everything deteriorate so fast I cant keep up with it. It seriously effects my ability to do anything at all, even art, and its been like this for the last 6 months. I am trying though, still trying to work, still trying to get a job, still trying to get a real diagnosis and help and Im not going to stop any of that. But I think getting top surgery as soon as possible is going to help me too, because dysphoria has just gotten so much worse focusing on my chest since t has started helping me pass and look so much more masculine. It’s like all my attention went from everything DIRECTLY to my chest and its almost unbearable. Even now since my sex has been legally changed I keep having the horrible thoughts of ‘why, why I am a man Im not supposed to be this way’ and shit idk. I’m getting too serious right now I have an appointment with the dmv to get a new updated driver’s permit with my name and fixed legal sex, and when I do that I can set up a bank account (I cant yet bcs I dont have a valid id/ id at all because I actually lost the other one and have been carrying around that paper one you’re supposed to destroy that is literally from 2016) and when I do, I’m going to set up a proper gofundme for my surgery and the travel expenses, but for now all I have is my paypal and online banking savings account. I’ll get that up asap once I have my id, though (Ive already been to the bank with my notarized judge passed papers and they wont take those yeah I know it’s stupid its like the same thing) But uhhh yeah! Thank you for reading this far if you did lol and considering helping me bcs my god, it literally means everything to me. pls share hehe
#commission info#donation post#i know it seems like all i do is cry about needing money#but my god. bitches really do be needing money#its me im bitches#top surgery fund#help yer local transmasc flower#pls
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I know you headcanon Asuka as a lesbian, but do you have any other sexuality headcanons? Your Asuka post was nice so I was wondering if you had any other similar headcanons
aw ty ty im glad you liked my post <33 tbh even though it was kind of a rambling mess I'm like a lil proud of it lol and am happy it resonated w a lot of other people.
in terms of other hcs I don't have any that are nearly as detailed or interesting, mostly just kind of vague sketches and ideas. except for asuka I mostly think of character's sexualities in regard to relationships between them and other characters rather than how they may exist as 'an identity' within the character as an individual entity, if that makes sense.
Like, for example, I think of Misato as bi but most of my interest in that is vested in reading her and ritsuko as ex-girlfriends--bc i think its a fun idea and a genuinely interesting way of reading their dynamic and also objectively correct :). And I really only think of Rei's sexuality (as in identity and actionable interest. i think about rei's '''sexuality'' as in her presence as the womb/mother and how she's objectified etc quite often lol) pretty exclusively in terms of Asurei because it's kind of the only situation in which I can imagine Rei in romantically. I do think that probably Rei would have a difficult time genuinely forming a relationship with a man considering her experiences. I have some loose thoughts on her connection to gender because I imagine it's pretty nebulous--in terms of 'hcs' id say I see her as p solidly nb--but also fraught in that 'im supposed to be a womb' afab way crossed with 'literally a clone of a woman and a genderless alien'. could maybe expand on this more but I'd have to think on it a little--i'm still not really sure where i'm going with it lol.
off the top of my head for just like cut and dry hcs: ritsuko is a lesbian. duh. if you are even thinking of considering saying anything about gendo to refute this then your head is full of sawdust. kaji's bi but what else is new. Toji and Kensuke COULD be Boy Best Friends but probably theres too much robot trauma going on and also kensuke might be a little too dense idk. tbh I just want someone to hold toji's hand who isn't like also trying to be his mom :/
kaworu is firmly gay and uh....gendery. idk he's an alien and obviously distanced from the concept of humanity but, also, has consciously identified himself as a boy or at least like.....boyish. I also have some vaaagueeee thoughts about that and him self-assigning as a 'protector' but as of rn I mostly think that it is worth noting that he chooses to be 'a boy' in whatever kind of approximation of that and of 'gender' he has. but also at the end of the day kaworu doesnt give a shit about gender he's from space.
uhhhh off the top of my dome thats all I can think of rn. if you want me to talk about anyone specifically feel free to ask!
#evangelion#neon genesis evangelion#nge#asks#this is a mess sorry i just wanted to actually fucking answer it lol#but my brains oatmeal so forgive if this like. sucks.#for real im somuch better w specifics so like feel free to ask about someone in particular if you want to knoow idk#if you see me go back and edit this do not be surprised#mine
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ive already got the writing down, i gotta get the drawing and then in like 5 years i will tackle the most daunting of The Big Three Creatives: music theory. (sobs in id rather learn rocket science)
i dont like numbers but music theory...... that thing scares me. im picking up what i can along the way so that i wont get thrown completely into the deep end but im better suited for prose than poetry and everything i write comes out cringy one way or another.... sob
i wanna be able to make something with a fandom sweetspot but the thing abt that sweetspot is that whatever the fandom is based around must be highly enjoyable and not written perfectly which!!! OFC i want my thing to be PERFECT but if its TOO perfect i wont get the fandom i want!!! like, if junji ito had made his entire career nothing but souichi stories he would not be the name he is today, but please sir..... may i have some more.........
me when im home alone so i set up in my kitchen and take cosplay pics for instagram, chill in that cosplay for a few hours, and then don't wear anything but pajamas for the next few months. i gotta post more on my cosplay acc man but my phone doesn't want me to </3
LMAO NOT THE PINTEREST BOARD!! ur so yuuta-coded rn. i had a shared pinterest board for a witch hat atelier fic i was gonna write with my artist friend but for various reasons (mostly my fault.... because of bad mental health.......) we're no longer friends and it fell thru (tho when i get back around to catching up on wha idk i might just write it. i still have my oc and some of his scraps.)
dokushi is not the villain who got Magically Redeemed, he's the villain they infected with morals who wishes he could shove them all in a giant blender and go back to being evil <3 but he cant <3333 loser <333333 im so normal about souichi i wanna chew on him like a dog. tear out his insides and scatter them around the living room under the couches to find next time i sweep.
bro wdym youre already starting the animatic. Bro W D Y M. i fixed up like three frames of my other animatic (its a dungeon meshi animatic i made to get used to opentoonz, which i wanna use cause i cant use flipaclip and nothing else looks nice.) in the time it took for you to do this What Do You Mean.
This is the longest I’ve drawn consecutively. I got BIG motivation..
His sodasona is mostly done? I think? I’ll debate on whether or not to do lineart.
@olde-scratch wanted to see my version so here it is ‼️
(Hope the ping doesn’t bother)
Omg wth I need to fix his shoulder bye
#imagine one day I wake up and BOOM#a new fic..#I get you on the not writing tho because I’ve been avoiding that for drawing#I’m so desperate to talk to someone that is finally as interested as I am with Junji Ito#<< prev#i know i wanna do a nanowrimo challenge for an atla fic so i might put a lot of effort into that but like idk what if sometime in december.#you just find a new souichi fic.......#obligatory fuck nanowrimo staff disabled people can be just as creative as abled people without the use of remixing software etc etc#GOD i wanna keep my sleep schedule but bro you CANNOT be this interested in something im working on. I NEED SLEEP YOU CANT KEEP ME UP WRITI#also not to brag but..... i think ive got all of the junji ito books except remina and sensor......#remina just bc its not one of my favorites and sensor just cause i. dont care for sensor that much. ill get both eventually but yk#dissolving classroom was better imo. sensor and remina dont have shit on chizumi im sorry.#i think i literally have them separated by 'lovesickness + has souichi in it' versus 'everything else'#thats lovesickness souichi and frankenstein. i dont even like frankenstein and idk what other stories are in there but thats the one with u#the cat. callon. gorron. garon. collon. IDK WHAT ITS NAME IS IT GOT LOCALIZED LIKE TWO DIF WAYS. please dont let the cat be named colon.#reblog
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Ramuda and Doppo :0
OH MY BOYS LETS GO
Under a cut bc long
Ramuda Amemura
First impression
Baby boy baby. Very cute and sweet i love characters with ramudas aesthetic i tend to want to protect them, especially since its an aesthetic that i fall into myself and lo v e so kseidjsnfn YEAH this man is baby!!!
Impression now
Ohhh my god i love this man i love the way he is characterised he is so incredibly interesting as a character and tbh so realistic and honestly i adore him!!! I alarmingly see a lot of myself in him tbh, were incredibly similar and that isnt necessarily a good thing!! But still i love this man
Favorite moment
Oh man where tf do i BEGIN there are so many ngl, but mostly all of the moments where we see ramuda's humanity. There is still a sweetness left under the darkness, there is still a man who wants to cling onto everything he has - his emotion, his internal battles, his morality vs his desperate need to survive - oh fucking man so much.
Idea for a story
CAN WE FUCKING. HAVE RAMUDA TALK HIS SHIT OUT PLEASE can we just have others actively helping ramuda cAN THIS MAN PLEASE BE SHOWN THAT ITS NOT TOO LATE FOR HIM,,, PLEASE,, i just want ramuda to finally talk out everything and have people on his side. Please.
Unpopular opinion
This probs isnt unpopular by any means, but idk what else to put here so take this:
I dont really see it often discussed that yknow ramuda is an abuse victim. Like, its very clear that chuokhu uses and abuses him, and his life is constantly being hung over his head. No wonder the dude is doing anything he can in order to survive, he has no choice in that regard. Before i get told this in the notes yes i know this doesnt excuse the things hes done!!! But tbh i really think that like the trauma that ramuda is living with kinda needs to be addressed.
Favorite relationship
I am a huge multishipper and have found a way to ship ramuda w just about most people (that are adults and not in chuokhu lol) so this is pretty tough
Id say either fling poly or jkrm and these are my reasons lets go:
Fling poly: HAVE YOU S E E N THEM do i really need to say more here all three of them have such good chemistry together, theyre all clearly on the same wavelength and have such a wonderful dynamic,,, they found out about the clones and shit and they STILL chose to protect ramuda and to fight for him and with him and to stay by his side aND BLACK JOURNEY TOO I-- IM GONNA START SOBBING,,,
Jakuramu: this one is not based on canon too much i am sorry this is mostly hc but i am a huge sucker for enemies to lovers ok also, i feel like out of TDD these two would be the ones to reconcile. After all, jakurai is a rather empathetic man and he probably would def understand the situation that ramuda was in. After all this dude was an ex assassin, if ramuda was to tell him everything, im sure that he would be able to relate to yknow the time he took others' lives, people with families and friends that he killed because he was ordered to and most likely had no other choice. Of course, jakurai is well within his right to not forgive ramuda for what happened to yotsutsuji, but i feel like he would and would help him get out of the situation hes in,,, and also im soft for the TDD era ok like how jakurai WANTED TO KNOW THE REAL RAMUDA AND LIKE,,, even when ramuda snapped at him he was GLAD HE WANTSD TO KNOW HIM FUCK MAN,,, i just really like these two ok
Favorite headcanon
I have quite a lot of hcs! Here are a few and like some explanation as to why:
- hes trans - i personally believe this bc personally itd make sense. Ramuda has a very feminine appearance and build, those that are like typically common in asian countries. As well as that, he has his own autonomy unlike the other clones. It wouldnt surprise me if chuokhu orignally wanted to make a girl to keep the other divisions in check, but when he decided personally that he didnt want to be such a way, they said sure, more room for us to treat you as we want to. Hes got money, getting T wouldnt be that difficult for him either, so thats why his voice is. That way fiaudjsnfnd anyway i think it makes sense!! Idk--
- he has bpd - projection probably but the biggest inspiration for this headcanon is how he is emotionally. His swings are violent - he feels and expresses such a diverse range of emotions and its so easy for him to change his emotional disposition - whilst also mostly feeling totally empty. Relationship wise also, given how he was genuinely really close to jakurai and then completely splitting on him, h a t i n g him. Yeah that sounds like bpd to me chief i know i have it!!! Theres more ik there is but i cant pull up examples rn
- hes neurodivergent - again mostly projection honestly and like there isnt much of a canon basis in his behaviour, just little things, but i like to personally hc that aside from eating candy to stay alive duh, that he chooses lollipops bc they serve as a sort of stim?? Also ik that fashion is his job but hes also so so clearly passionate about it that its a special interest for him, and thats partially why he took it up as a job in the first place, so he could do something related to his special interest lol. Idk i know there isnt any basis for this but just let me have autistic ramuda iaiesjdnsnfn
Doppo Kanonzaka
First impression
Now THATS what i call a tired mf!!! This dude has yves saint laurent eyebags also he really reminds me of aggretsuko somehow??? Im really not sure what it is
Impression now
Yeah i was def right with the aggretsuko comparison siaishsnshfb BUT I LOVEEE HIM i love him very much and i think this man really needs a break and is also very relateable i love
Favorite moment
As much as i love fp i absolutely adore the badass koments that doppo has including when he absolutely fucking obliterated fling posse sksjxnxncn also!! All of his little moments with hifumi i genuinely enjoy their dynamic its so cute
Idea for a story
Honestly i wanna see him slowly recover from the teauma that he has experienced because this king absolutely deserves it, and also from a practical point of view itd make this mf s t r o n g e r i also just.... long to see doppo happy honestly he deserves to smile!!
Unpopular opinion
I dont really have an unpopular opinion but saving like leaving this blank: as much as i absolutely adore jakurai and hifumi and their music (jakurai is my fave out of every hypmic character and i WILL drive this home), to me doppo just has the best music. Like, i love tigridia and BLACK OR WHITE so fucking much its absolutely unreal and all of doppos verses in every song are juust so fucking good. As much as i listen to you are, therefore i am on repeat every day of my life doppos music is just the best ✨
Favorite relationship
Again i am a huge multishipping bitch and i habe a few ships with doppo but in ahll honesty my fave is very clear - i absolutely adore his dynamic with matenrou as a whole and especially hifumi - his relationship with hifumi is clearly so special and it really shows how strong their friendship is, and in a ship sense i find it to be realy cute bc theres such a clear need for each other and that even if they clearly come at odds sometimes, at the end of the days theyre still clearly so close and i just,,, god doppo reallt deserves someone like hifumi in his life and im so glad that he has it!!!!
Favorite headcanon
Honestly i dont really think i have too many for doppo but given his general demeanor and his attitude, i personally hc him as demi. Yeah i know that sexualities dont have like typical personalities and such but i feel like given his anxieties around new people and how he clearly only really sticks to those that hes very close with, it makes more sense for him to be demi than any other sexuality to be quite honest - and this is also just pushing my hifudo agenda aiqiauansnssn but yknow!!!!
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Are you better at cooking dinners or making cakes/biscuits/sweets? baking definitely. I want to get more comfortable cooking.
Have you ever cut someone else’s hair? yes. I used to be pretty good at doing my brothers hair-- even the fading. But I’m sure I’ve forgotten it all by now.
Who was the last guest in your house and what were they staying for? probably my sister or my nephews.
How many long term relationships have you been in? blegh. not many. Whenever I’d know that it didnt have long term potential, id drop it. no sense dragging out the inevitable.
Do you sleep with all the lights out, or do you leave a lamp or even the television on? so for the longest time I kept my room super dark. I slept well. once miller died and kile broke my heart, I couldn’t sleep without the tv playing. I needed to hear something calming and voices talking so I wouldn’t be left with my thoughts. I still can’t turn it off.
Who is one person you have forgiven, but still have not “forgotten” what they have done? i think its easy to say “forgive and forget” but the reality is that once we have endured trauma we don’t easily forget. I think its kind of unrealistic. I’m trying to forgive kile but thats going to take.. i dont know how long. As for what it was... it was just betrayal.. lying. for six+ years. lots of laughing at me.
Are you a fan of Lana Del Rey? I like some of her songs.
Do you know your blood type? o+
Do you know your mother’s birthday? Yes. its coming up.
Have you ever been pregnant? I dont think so. I was really late after my assault but who knows.
How old were you when you first went on a plane? like 7ish
Have you ever had to take out a loan for anything? Yeah, student loans. 15k feels so daunting right now.
Are both of your blood parents still in your life? One is. My mom.
When was the last time you went apple picking? highschool maybe?
Someone asked you what you wanted, what would you say? money.. or a trip.
Have you ever been drunk at school or work? definitely not.
How many bedrooms are in your house? four.
Are you smart about computers? I know some stuff.
Have you ever played Just Dance for Wii? oh heck’n yeah
Do you own a Xbox 360? I had one from my brother for a little while but I traded it for the gamecube since Kile was going to send me one of the 15 he had lol. That didn’t end up happening, but its OK i really dont need more gaming.
Would you ever do a sex tape for a million dollars? oooooooo.. probably not.
So, do you need a nap? all day is full of naps to try and get over this.
What would you rather be doing? school
What sport are you the best at? maybe volleyball or swimming
Do you have a little sister? What’s her name? Nope, im the baby.
Do you complain a lot? no, i try not to. I find complaining to be the most unattractive and yet common human trait and while there are definitely situations worthy of complaining, most of the time it just makes a situation worse than it actually was.
Would you rather go to an authentic haunted house or an ancient temple? temple
Do you like fruity or minty gum? definitely minty
Are you looking forward to any day of this month? i was really looking forward to Kile’s birthday on monday, but since we arent talking anymore then there is no joy in that. all the other special dates have been ruined by covid.
Have you ever gotten detention? Nope. homeschoolers and detention arent a thing.
Is there a traumatic event that you’ve experienced that’s changed your life? oh sure. heartbreak, deaths, assaults, etc.
Do you buy a majority of your clothes from a certain store, or do you just pick out items of clothing you could see yourself wearing, not caring about the store it came from? no, i can’t be super picky because not every store carries clothing long enough for me.
Have any of the artists you’re fond of released new albums recently? i havent got a clue
Would you ever keep your favorite animal as a pet? I mean I’m very fond of cats & dogs
Ever cried so much you threw up? this is what happened the whole 2-3 weeks following finding out about Kile.
Who is your best guy friend? I suppose now that would be Nathan
What do you two do when you hang out? drives, game nights, get food/drinks, or just talk.
What is a movie that you thought you would hate but you ended up loving? Her
Do you even like horror movies? not particularly. I’ll watch them if someone else wants to but its not my preference.
Do you live in the country? i live in the suburbs i suppose.
What is your favorite accent? Some southern and British accents. <same ... i have no idea how I made the font like this.
Have you ever had a boyfriend your parents didn’t like? Not that I can think of.
Do you drink Pepsi or Coke? diet coke
What do you plan to do on your 21st birthday? my family celebrated during the day and then I think nathan took me out on the town
Do you have any person in your family with an addiction to beer? nope.
Do you take a lot of pictures? man. this question is hard. I used to love taking pictures of myself. I had much more self confidence and some of it was because kile LOVED my selfies -- or so he said. and I just had so much fun doing that. Since the heartbreak, I’ve maybe taken 10 selfies. I just don’t have any self confidence in my looks anymore. its so different now. most of my pictures now are of other people or scenery.
What kind of face wash do you use? cerave when I want to. otherwise i use water and a very particular type of fabric.
Does drama always seem to follow you? No, i dont think so.
Does anybody in your family race? like cars? running? no.
Are you closer to your mom or dad? My mom.
How much money did you used to get from the ”tooth fairy?” I think i got it like 2x and it was a dollar.
Do you have a laptop or desktop? Laptop.
Do you like your parents? i love my mom.
Do you secretly like someone? No.
Would you ever date your best male friend? I don’t see any romantic feelings developing between nathan and I
What are you currently listening to? I have gilmore girls on.
Do you want to be single? oooof. Um. I am torn on this subject. On the one hand, i really am ready to be loved, held, protected, cared for, etc. I love the idea of building a life together with someone and us both protecting our unit. I miss supporting, cherishing, loving on someone. Yet on the other hand, im fine being single. I have so much insecurity about myself lately that I dk that anyone else needs to deal with that baggage. Idk
Did you go out or stay in last night? I stayed in. ill be staying in for some time.
Have you pretended to like someone? romantically, no. professionally, yes.
How is your heart lately? Sad. heavy.
Are you wearing socks? not at the moment.
What do people call you? Di, diana, dee, ana, di-nan-na, dine-uh, deenah.
Do you get stressed out easily? no, I really dont
Have you ever been taken to the emergency room in an ambulance? yes
What is wrong with you right now? im sick. im heartbroken.
Do you own something from Hot Topic? not that I know of. if I do, it’d be from like middle school. I never shopped there but people tended to give gifts from there.
Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone? Alone. maybe I havent found the right sort of person to share a bed with.
Do you still talk to the person you last made out with? No.
Have you ever seen your best friend cry? Yes, several times.
Did you get any compliments today? No.
Have you ever gone to a beach? many many many times.
What would you say if someone asked you to get high right now? not my thing. at all.
Do you believe that everything happens for a reason? Yes.
Have you ever done volunteer work just because you wanted to? Yes.
Do you have long nails? they are healthy length. I want to grow them out a bit more.
Do you like the gender you are? Yeah.
Do you generally look nice in photos? Not anymore
Have you ever had a stick insect as a pet? no haha
What colour are your father’s eyes? Blue.
If I handed you a concert ticket right now, who would you want to be the performer? uhhhhm, blue october
Would you ever get into a long distance relationship? maybe not anymore.
What’s your favorite hot beverage? hot chocolate from dunkin
Did you ever play an instrument? If so what? i did. no comment.
Would you rather carve pumpkins or wrap presents? oooooohhhhhhhhh man i love both.
Do you think you’re important? I mean i offer some importance to this world but eh.
What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received? Hmm no idea.
Have you been diagnosed with any mental disorders? no
Have you ever moved to another state or country? If so, how did it feel to be new? No.
Do you know how to properly eat food with chopsticks? Nope.
What was the first thing you ate today? I haven’t eaten since breakfast yesterday
If you could spend the day, doing absolutely anything, with anyone, anywhere, what would it be like? for the longest time it was to spend the day driving aimlessly and getting food and talking about everything and nothing with Kile. now, its just.. idunno. blank.
If I were to ask you how you are doing, and you were only able to answer completely honestly, what would come out? I’m not doing well.
What is the one thing that you have been avoiding that you should do? There’s a few things related to school.
Is there anything that you wish you could take back? not really, no.
What, in your mind, could make you truly happy? this whole covid nonsense going away, heartbreak to soothe, and my miller back.
If you could change one conversation in your life, what would you say differently? Would it have REALLY made any difference? i dont know.
When is the next time you’ll change your hairstyle? Will you color it? I just changed it up so itll be a bit.
Do people normally say you’re a fast typist, or are you rather slow? Fast.
Have you ever been considered the ‘smartest person in school?’ yes. several times.
How many drugs are in your system? lol lots of meds rn to kick this. usually none.
What’s on your schedule for tomorrow? the same as today.
Do you currently have any bite marks/hickeys on your body? No. i dont like the idea of bite marks but hickeys were fun for a time. in not visible areas tho.
Do you call anyone baby? Not anymore.
What’s your current mood? Bleh.
What were you doing before filling out this survey? Watching gilmore girls
How late did you stay up last night? I took PM meds at i wanna say 8? maybe 7? I don’t remember.
When was the last time you cried really hard? its been a few weeks since ive cried about Kile. I’m in the numb stage.
Is your hair longer than your shoulders? hahahahahahah
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mtmte liveblog issue 30
30 issues wow...forget the fact that I skipped like 5 issues of crossover event nonsense
another big ole swerve recap omg
this trial is so messsyyyyyyyyy lmao
hvbajdfbahsjkfdbhjs starscream listening to meagtrons speech looking like ‘hmmmmmmm I may have miscalculated’
prowl looks pissed af meanwhile optimus just looks dead inside lmao
I mean. megatron kinda does have a point. this is like, the most biased, conflict of interests lookin trial of all time, in that all the major participants have some sort of long, complicated history with each other. what a mess
optimus, listening to megatron’s speech: wow this is worse than divorce court was
oh shit I totally forgot that those decepticons attacked the trial
MAGNUS HAMMER AYYYYYY
a guy saying ‘objection!’ as optimus prime punches half his face off...that pretty much sums up idw op lmao
op: oh thank god, I can punch shit now. I'm not cut out for this bureaucracy nonsense
megatron: thanks, random decepticon, for the attempted rescue, but I'm super old and I just want to nap so no thanks
random decepticon: wtf- [gets murdered by optimus prime]
I love op’s big ass antennae
meanwhile, brainstorm goes to a bar and instead of buying anything, pulls out his own drink. I feel like that isn't allowed in most bars, or is at least frowned up vbsjdhfbhjdkfn. ily brainstorm
also? big ass mood I was so broke last time I was on a barhopping vacation w/friends that I brought a cheap giantass bottle of mixed drink in my backpack and just drank that at all the bars lmao
WHIRLLLL I love his humansona sm. and also I love that whirl is into artsy french movies or w/e omg
brainstorm, drinking thru a wrist funnel: sorry I cant take my mask off rn it isn’t plot relevant yet
‘earthlets’ lmao
I love that rung is like, too pretentious to care that much about movies and would rather read earth books lol
and then bluestreak is like ‘yeah they have books...comic books’ can this man not read
I still cannot fuckign believe that the argument that got megatron out of a for-sure death sentence or w/e was ‘its not a war crime if we’re on the moon’ liiiiike what the actual hell lmao
also I love that, once again, we see magnus’s strict adherence to the law, technicalities and all
magnus: you cant really stop a trial and move it somewhere else where the laws are better suited to the outcome you desire
prowl: what are you, a cop? fuck off
also op being like ‘ok whatever all that doesn't matter...what DOES matter is that it would look bad for us to move the trial to cybertron in an obvious attempt to circumvent the rules, and public perception is what’s most important, fuck all that ‘morality’ bullshit’
meanwhile, rodimus is dead! and ambulon is also dead, which makes first aid sad, which makes ME sad
ayyy, rodimus is still alive! well, one rodimus is alive, at least
rodimus and megatron really have the vibes of ‘stepfather and stepson forced to work together on a family road trip gone wrong after dad decided to sit this one out’ lmao
ah yes, ‘malaise’ the medical diagnostic term for ‘I don't feel so hot and idk why’ that practitioners like to throw under the ‘diagnostic notes’ section of lab orders to explain why they're ordering every blood test under the sun for a patient
I love medical terminology. ANYWAYS
BE NICE TO MY BOY MEGATRON.
rodimus: listen I have to come to terms with the fact that there's another version of me right here, and he’s DEAD, which means we can’t fuck, which is super lame
I firmly believe that rodimus would be team ‘hell yeah id have sex with my AU self’ tbh
I find it interesting that megatron is often casting blame for his actions onto others - here, he says that rodimus made him realize he doesn’t want to stop doing stuff w/his life, and then says that starscream forced his hand w/the whole ‘luna 2 law’ thing, and previously he’s said how whirl beating him up in jail is what led to him abandoning pacifism - take responsibility for your actions and decisions dude!
though he goes on to say here that he resorted to violence because he realized that the system that was in place could withstand everything else he would have tried to use to change it, which is super interesting
megatron: okay, yes, I MIGHT have murdered billions, but I could help find us a new planet, which would be baller, sooooo...how about you co-opt your lame son’s frat boy ship and put me in charge?
op: sounds fair to me. now how about we do some more Big Speeches before I make you somebody else’s problem
vbhdjskfbhaskdjf the ‘team rodimus’ lineup setup reminds me so much of the ‘together we make the ______’ meme with the different members being like, ‘the power’ ‘the gay’ ‘the awesome’ ‘the guy with no ears’ hbvhjdkfbs
chromedome: if I do this I could die
rodimus: that sounds like a you problem bro
‘this one time’ YEA RIGHT c'mon cd honor your dead husband’s wishes
omfg I forgot abt brainstorms ‘early early warning system’ lmao
I love nautica soooo much oh man
ooooof drift :( :( oh no
dead future rodimus!! uh oh is right
rodimus, known himbo: I'm sure I can defeat the inevitability of future events! all I have to do is cut my own arm off!
tailgateeeee he’s so cute...I love that he can tell stories of his daring escapades, just like at the beginning of mtmte, but this time its actually TRUE
OH SHITTTT GETAWAY
he looks so fucking sinister there lmao how are we NOT supposed to realize he has bad intentions from the get-go
‘you’ll make a prime one day’ well, getaway, you’re right about that at least...
cyclonus in the bg like 🤨🤔 at getaway
seriously I cant get over how getaway has such a slimy kinda vibe to him, like specifically in his interactions w/tailgate - this is before things even really take off but I'm still like TG GET AWAY (lol) FROM THIS GUY
cyclonus: somebody flirting with my crush? better go stare out a window instead of communicating absolutely anything to said crush about my feelings!
honestly I feel like, while megatron renouncing the decepticons and becoming an autobot is certainly interesting, it would be equally interesting for him to remain a decepticon but try to change the philosophy of the movement
like, I get why op had him give that speech - to prevent the cons from trying to free megs again/thinking that he was being coerced into things (ironic considered he WAS coerced into giving that speech) - but it’s kinda the easy way our for megatron - being able to completely abandon the decepticon cause and not deal with it at all, and start over anew as an autobot
it would've been a lot harder to remain a con and try to reform what he has broken in the decepticon movement - but I think that would've been really interesting
though from a writing logistics standpoint, I get why jro didn't go for that bc we don't get a lot of other decepticons in the cast for that to work, and also megatron still definitely DOES have to face down all his mistakes w/the decepticons w/the djd and overlord and whatnot
anyways. I cant believe that all megatron had to do to join the lost light was make ONE speech denouncing the decepticons. like, they should've at least had him do a tiktok dance too or something, just to make it a really tough deal
I love the rodpod vbhjfsdkfbjaskjndfj
ok but I still don't really get the logic of making megs CAPTAIN like ouch. poor rodimus
I feel like making megs a bartender at swerves or st would've been WAY more useful in showing him humility or w/e. OR it would've made him evil again, which, fair,
ratchet: don't worry, we’ll medically poison him, it’ll be fine
ok but rodimus is right, this is SO messy, op wants to prove his ex husband isn't 100% evil so he’s like ‘ill let my rebellious son deal with him’ lmao god. I love this setup so much, its so wild
ratchet is also right, rodimus’s fuckup definitely pales in comparison to megatrons All That
OH BRUTALLLLLLLL when ratchet says the list is fake ‘because my name’s not on it’ FUCKING OUCHHHHH
‘only bad guys say ‘unhand me” rodimus ily
omfg ‘we’ve practiced this’ of course they've done evacuation drills...magnus ily
lmao it’s the panel where it looks like rodimus and megatron are doing karaoke or having some sort of rap battle
and the lost light is GONE! oh shit!!!!
and there closes issue 30! once again we’ve gotten a lot of setup and exposition - which, while definitely necessary, means I don't have too much to say
I will say, throwing megatron onto the lost light has definitely mixed things up, and it’s interesting to see new dynamics already forming
so, until next time!
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ok hi im back to inhibat ur inbox ur gonna have to get used to me sending something, liking ur response, n then not responding for three days cus my memorys shit n i get sidetracked but uh YEAH IM NOT LWAVING NOW GET USED TO SEEING ME HERE >:)
YES OK ALL OF THIS??? i literally dont think id ever be able to ship kuraharu... and yeah same like haruichi was rlly like the first daiya character i latched onto but i rlly dont think i could do it. AND NO??? I HAVENT READ IT?? i admittedly havent read ANY of the manga but just by the title it sounds heart-wrenching
and ryousuke watching them play after he’s graduated just AGHHH yeah so many feels,, every time i see him on screen rn im just- feels.
AND YEAH THE COVER THING?? WITH KURAMOCHI AND HARUICHI AND THE WAY IT WAS LITERALLY COPYING THE OLD KRRY COVER??? this was rlly the reason i started thinking about this whole thing was because i saw a post of somebody talking about the new cover and how they were basically upset about how much haruichi is taking his place. and i think thats the problem. hes replacing ryousuke. and what u said about “they both deserve a little more than just haruichi succeeding where ryousuke failed” LIKE??? YEAH??? i hate that haruichi is literally just replacing him,,,,, i think itd be good for him to like. oh, idk,, become his own person,,,, like,,, idk. I DUNNO THIS SHITS >{+<£|>|+]%}{*]£}€}* YKNOW???
anyways. ✨ stan amahisa for clear skin ✨
adflkgjlkfgjldf no please don’t apologize I welcome it!!! and don’t worry I’m honestly the same way w responding to messages n stuff I’m notorious for forgetting to reply to things for days at a time lmao (case in point I totally saw this last night and was oh I should respond and then just...... didn’t...... till now lmao)
you should absolutely read ‘face’ it’s so fucking good and while we’re on the topic kuramochi also has a sidestory titled ‘outrun’ about his delinquent days that’s also really really good and also contains one of my favorite ryou-san ‘you suck :D’ faces of all time aldfjlakjdflgkjf terajima was rly like I’m gonna give the people what they want w these extras :’)
and oh my god I think I saw that same post ur talking abt afgjkldjfg it’s how I saw the cover to begin with since I’m like. nowhere near caught up w the manga and I just. like I rly hope none of this comes off as me hating haruichi bc I truly truly ADORE him and tbh that’s half the reason I felt so conflicted over that cover like idk. on the one hand I guess it’s like a cool callback to act 1 and like in the abstract is kinda fun but on the other hand it’s just. yeah. I get u man I so do. I want haruichi’s story to not be abt chasing his brother still like we gotta let that go. like trying to be like your heroes is a thing that a lot of people do when they’re starting out but at some point you like move on from that right? and I think the story should reflect that rather than bringing us back to this same point over and over and idk. IDK. I don’t like being negative abt things but I just. ADFLKGJALFKGAJF IDK I CAN’T ARTICULATE THIS I’M ALSO NOT CAUGHT UP W ANYTHING SO DO I KNOW IF WHAT I’M SAYING IS ENTIRELY ACCURATE???? NO!!!!
also since we’ve been talking I was reminded of literally the most heartbreaking page of that game that ryousuke came to watch like afterwards when he’s like wow u guys are really good..... huh............... and I JUST CRY EVERY TIME (under the cut bc the image is huge and this post is long enough as it is and like spoilers ig but like. dude. DUDE. terajima-sensei you know exACTLY WHAT YOU’RE DOING AND I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE WORDS WITH YOU)
and OMG my partner and I just got to s2 in our rewatch and both of us are already like SHOW ME ICHIDAISAN SHOW ME THE BEST BOY WHERE IS HE I love amahisa a Lot :’)
THAT SOUND YOU HEAR IN THE DISTANCE IS ME HAVING A FUCKING BREAKDOWN OVER THIS F U CK
#me responding to this: I'm going to be calm and think this one through *proceeds to word vomit and scream for several paragraphs*#I don't have well-formed thoughts abt all of this but I have lots of FEELINGS and they are PAINFUL#honeyukishiro#text#ask
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all of them go rn
okay bet you fuckin dork
1. what languages can you speak?
i can speak english and like a small portion of spanish cause duolingo
2. describe your ideal/perfect day?
idfk i never have perfect days
3. who do you love most in your life?
my partners and online/irl friends
4. what color are your eyes? do you like them?
brown and kinda ig
5. favorite candle scent?
i dont have one lmao
6. favorite type of flowers?
uhhhhhhhhhhhh dandelions cause i can blow in ppls faces
7. if you could smell like anything all the time,what scent would you pick?
DEATH
8. favorite constellation and why?
dont have one :)
9. what color is your favorite and why?
i have two favorite colors, purple and blue and cause they go well together imo
10. do you prefer the ocean or the mountains?
mountains cause if i fall and die it'll be less painful than drowning to death? idk but i fear drowning anyways
11. favorite type of weather? describe it?
rain because i like sitting in the rain
12. what are you most passionate about in life?
idk man
13. favorite songs?
i have an entire spotify playlist its like 200+ or smth
14. what is your go to snack?
oreos and milk or chips
15. chocolate or strawberry milk?
i prefer choccy milk
16. do you like journaling? if so,what do you journal about?
i dont journal
17. what are your biggest dreams in life?
as of right now, to meet my partners
18. what are your religious beliefs?
dont really have any??
19. would you rather have 100 kittens or 100 puppies?
is both an option,,
im kidding but i want 100 puppies
20. cotton candy or funnel cakes?
cotton candy ive never had funnel cakes
21. do you prefer hand holding or cuddles?
cuddles, i get nervous holding hands sometimes
22. favorite place in nature to be? describe what it looks like or post a photo of it?
uh, near a waterfall or smth
23. is there anyone you'd die for? who?
no
24. do you have any unusual fears? what are they?
i have a fear of balloons cause like,, i dont like when they pop
25. museum dates or aquarium dates?
idk uh museum seems better
26. favorite fruit?
APPLE
27. do you have long or short hair? which do you prefer to have and why?
short hair, id prefer to have like,, hair that goes a bit past my shoulders i guess
28. what makes you happy?
whenever someone dms me or gives me an ask yeeye
29. do you collect anything? if so what?
i collect EVERYTHING on ponytown
30. favorite sea creature?
axOLOTLS OR SEALS,, OR PENGUINS
31. talk about the person you love most?
we've been all friends for about 2 years and i grew a crush on them now we're all dating
32. favorite soda?
sprite is pretty cool
33. have you ever dyed your hair before? what color(s)?
no but i plan to someday
34. favorite emoji(s)?
👀 😳
35. how tall are you
like 5'2 or 5'3
@luvuwite short haahaha
36. if you could travel anywhere in the world, where would you want to go?
to hell
37. favorite number
idfk uh 69,420
38. are you a night owl or an early bird?
i dont sleep tf
39. favorite holiday? how do you usually celebrate it?
uh i like when its other people's birthdays cause i wanna give them stuff to make them happy and it makes me happy knowing they're happy,,
but other than that i like christmas cause haha i get stuff i dont ask for!!
jokes aside i enjoy everything i get
40. favorite movie(s)?
i like ponyo its a nostalgic movie for me and uhh i like the lego movie (1 and 2)😳
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Ali & Carly
Ali: How do you like your 🥚🍳 in the morning? Carly: no 🐣 Carly: ha Ali: 🐔 didn't show up in your roost later, did he? Carly: he must be scared of you Carly: 🔮 Ali: or my 🐺 Carly: maybe Ali: eggs aside, how you feeling, chick? Carly: 😷🤒🤕🤢🤮 Ali: 👎👎👎👎👎 Ali: unacceptable! Ali: what do you need, kill or cure? Carly: cure forever Carly: im too young to die Ali: I'll swing by with my witches brew Ali: actually doesn't taste like ☠ either Ali: pure 😇 Carly: aw Carly: really? Ali: 'course, not gonna half-arse the job Ali: and it makes a full pot, no sense in not sharing the 💚 Carly: 💙 Carly: wat does it taste like? Ali: like Christmas 🎄🎅🤶🎁❄️🌨️☃️✨🌟 Carly: 😋😊🥰 Ali: it's got ginger and peppermint in Ali: the only other person hanging out their arse is my brother and he would rather die 'cos he's grumpy 👴 man energy so Carly: no 🦃 tho yea?! ha Carly: oh no he sounds like my da Carly: which cute bro is it? Ali: definitely not 😂 Ali: some greens but not sprouts Ali: the freckly one Carly: did u heal my heart to 💔😢? Carly: course itd be the most beautiful one Ali: oh no, you're delirious Ali: I'll come quick 😜 Carly: dont b jealous 👼 hes only the most beautiful boy Ali: 😏 My ma'll be gutted Carly: do u have a tea for that? Ali: 🍋 'cos she's so bitter? Ali: I'll see if she goes for it Carly: noooo 🍯 so she wont be Ali: you're too sweet yourself, Walsh Carly: aw Carly: but ur the 1 who saved me Carly: ur the sweetest Ali: anyone would Carly: nah ur the 1st Carly: not just saying it to u get ur fairy wings Ali: had to fly away from that particular 🐔 plenty myself Ali: harmless and flightless though he is, most the time Carly: yea Carly: he talks about u wen hes been on it Carly: the 1 that flew away Ali: uh oh Ali: can't let a boy ✂ your wings Ali: ever Ali: ever Ali: 👼🏽 🐔 🐧 🐦 🐤 🐣 🐥 🦆 🦢 🦅 🦉 🦚 🦜 🦇 🐝 🦋 🐞 🦗 🦟 🐓 🦃 🕊 Carly: im 😕💫🙃 but idk if those were the guests i danced with Carly: did get a cute lil 🎶🎤 to fall asleep to tho 💙🕊 Carly: 🌚🌝🌛🌜🌞 Ali: very 👸 of you though Ali: I can 👀 it Carly: my ma is trying to make me clean Carly: 🐇🐁🐀🐿🦔🐾 pls Ali: also unacceptable Ali: not 'til you're better Ali: use my wings to fly through and 🤞 he don't get the wrong idea about who I'm there to see Carly: [sends her a pic of whatever caravan mess she caused last night that her mum is raging about] Carly: so u can play a game of spot whats got her 😠 Carly: cuz idk Ali: Fun 🧐🤔🤨 Ali: angry mothers are my forte Ali: [does the circling the hazzards moment on the pic] Carly: making her angry is mine but nah to knowing y ever ever Carly: k ur cute & smart Carly: 🌟 Ali: it's rarely logical, but 🤫 on that or it's hulk levels in 0-60 Ali: how are you this nice when you're 😷🤒🤕🤢🤮 Ali: that's a skill, rare one at that 💎✨ Carly: my da is looking green must of had his own 🎶🍻💃 ha Carly: idk i can b nicer? but k now i know ronan aint been talking bout me when hes 🍺 or 💊 Ali: can be a tea party for three Ali: have to bring his own 🎩 though Ali: not to me anyway Ali: but as you can tell Ali: 🐺 keeps all the 🐓🐓🐓 away Carly: 🐇🐇🐇♠️♣️♥️♦️🐇🐇🐇 Carly: she is fierce Ali: she likes to think so Ali: 🐶 really Carly: course ur not scared of her silly Carly: u love her Carly: im a 🐈 person ha Ali: [sends her a load of pictures of Bluebeard she didn't ask for rather than being like do I love her hmm] Carly: AW!!!! Carly: 🥰🤗 Ali: he's captain ☠🏴 but there's always room aboard Carly: thats the best offer ive had from a gentleman ever ever ever Carly: whats his name? Ali: Bluebeard Ali: and he is MOSTLY a gentleman if you can handle some toe nibbling Carly: 😍😍😍😍 Carly: into it Carly: ive done more for lads i just met who aint as beautiful so Ali: 😂 I feel that Ali: honestly, it's quite comforting, when he doesn't sneak attack you with it Carly: [sends her a selfie that shouldn't be as adorable as it is] Carly: now u can introduce us Carly: 👋 baby blue Ali: the 😍😍😍😍 are mutual Ali: I can tell Carly: yay Carly: 🧡 Ali: is there anything else you need/we want for the tea party? Ali: en-route at last Carly: ur really coming? Ali: yeah, sorry I was ages, it's a whole process brewing it Ali: also a dead giveaway you're 😷🤒🤕🤢🤮 which obvs my ma takes as her cue to be all Spanish inquisition about it Ali: 📚 of my mostly-fictional-but-which-are-and-which-aren't-mother exploits later Carly: sorry iou so much magic Ali: nah, don't worry about it 👸 Ali: who doesn't love a little scandal with their morning brew? she deffo does Carly: its too late im looking for 🍀 Carly: among the 🌼🌼🌼 Ali: awh Ali: I'm never turning down extra luck Ali: we can make daisy-chains Carly: its the dresscode Carly: soz da Ali: does he have a 🧔? Ali: that's a #look Carly: not rn Carly: my ma wasnt on @ me only to clean up Carly: he had his turn Ali: damn it Ali: maybe a nice belt Ali: I'll be 🤔 Carly: dont b 💔😢 he has bushy eyebrows Ali: same Ali: he's earnt his invite back Ali: your ma gonna have to chill though Ali: and it ain't that kinda tea 💔 Carly: you wont b able to tell if shes angry or surprised Ali: 😚 ⬅ I know the vibe Ali: you do you babe Carly: she used to let me sort em out but there was an accident Carly: which im sworn to secrecy about Ali: I'm so good with secrets 🙏🙏🙏 Carly: k Carly: my head zoned out but my hands kept going like Ali: you were meditating you can't help having 🌌🧠 Ali: I'll 🤭 now and never tell, don't worry Mrs W Carly: @ school yea im meditating on your q sir relax Carly: ha love that Ali: they just ask questions to answer it themselves, what is the point Carly: u coming for my ma again? Ali: 🤫 bad first impression, that Carly: shes heard it from ronan too sorry Carly: lad has loose lips Ali: honestly Ali: 🙄 can't keep up with my bad reputation Carly: ud think hed be better at kissing Carly: its talk talk talk Carly: more good things about u than ive made it seem like tho Ali: he was a big talker Ali: probably 'cos he ain't allowed with the lads Carly: if he talked about what a 👼 u are & how 💔😢 he is theyd uninvite him from the bonfire Carly: its sweet really how hung up hes got Ali: he only thinks I'm an 👼 'cos he took my virginity probs Ali: that's more suitable 🔥side chat Carly: he goes on about that alot but I thought he was lying Carly: oh no that sounds bad Carly: not calling u a slag ur obvs not its y he likes u more Ali: 😂 I'm fine with slag Ali: all definition dependent anyway Carly: yea same Carly: can be hot if ur in the mood Ali: right, and if I'm a slag 'cos I didn't marry him then I'll take it Carly: & hes not allowed to marry gorgers theyd wanna throw him in the 🔥 Ali: exactly Ali: we can't both be 💔😢 forever can we boy Carly: just me @ the party til u came to my rescue Ali: 🥺 Ali: What was he even on about then, like? Ali: dickhead Carly: idk i zone out wen he shouts @ me too Ali: I can always poison a cup and send it his way Ali: just say the word Carly: hes not that bad Ali: okay okay, just some laxatives Ali: 'cos he's a bit 💩 Carly: ha Ali: no 🌼🌼🌼 unless he says soz then Carly: but his beautiful curls 🥺 Ali: hmm, a good point Ali: be strong, baby Carly: ill throw one @ him & run away Carly: back to u Ali: you're so adorable Carly: says u Carly: 👼👸🏼 Ali: 💚 we're gonna have an adventure when the tea hits okay Ali: I've decided Carly: k thats the kinda 🎄🎅🤶🎁 it is Carly: i do want the energy of a kid on xmas morning Ali: that's the best Ali: how I'm tryna be every day Carly: 💫⭐️🌟✨⚡️☄️ 🚀🛸 Ali: if only 🚀 Ali: this bike can only go as fast as my lil legs can carry, like Carly: aw baby Carly: i shouldve asked u where u live before this 2nd rescue was launched Carly: im sorry Ali: No distance is too far for a fair maiden Carly: ill have to see what other 🔮 i can find before u get here Carly: dont love ious Ali: there's no ious Carly: [sending her loads of pics of her with or just pics of the cat lady's cats that she's rounding up for this tea party and they're adorable] Ali: 😍💞😻 Ali: okay, non-debt fully paid though Carly: [just rambling about the names she's given each cat cos her and cat lady don't know each other properly til Ali comes along and like facts about each cat/her fave things cos she's a big nerd] Ali: I love them Ali: I'm gonna get them some 🐟🐟🐟 when I get tea party tings Ali: some cream, awh, okay, this is happening Carly: im picking enough 🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼 for everyone Ali: should've put Bluebs in my basket Ali: next time Carly: aw Carly: Humbug might try & fight him Carly: youd b there to protect him tho Ali: I can ref Ali: my little brother is always trying to play-fight everyone so I'm well-versed Carly: is he ticklish? that works for me Carly: broken up lots of fights Ali: big time Ali: his kryptonite Ali: reckon it's against the rules in professional fights but preparing him for anything like any good big sister Carly: ha Carly: aw i bet ur an amazing sister Carly: if i had 1 maybe id wanna be on site sometimes Carly: my ma's eyebrows r hardly a call to home Ali: he might disagree but he's 5 so what does he know 😉 Ali: feel that though Ali: home is just a base, whole 🌍 out there Carly: wen ur 5 you argue to argue Carly: yea if u dont use ur wings theyll think u dont want em 💔😢 Ali: flying is like riding a 🚲 though Carly: r we goin on a 🚲 adventure? Ali: definitely Ali: ugh, need one of those wagons for the 😻😻😻s Carly: ☺️its gonna b so fun! Carly: we might meet more 🐈🐈🐈🐈 Ali: way better than 🐔 Carly: ha Carly: do u have 🔮 left to help me find shoes? Ali: have you checked the fridge? Carly: [a pause while she do] Carly: theyre not there 😕🧐 Ali: damn, that'd be the last place I'd look though Ali: were they in the mess your Ma was sounding off about fr Carly: o mayb Carly: if i was wearing any when you dropped me off Ali: 🤔 I don't know if I recall any glass slippers Ali: I'll ask Lene hold up Carly: 👸 energy Carly: but idk if i wanna scary 🐺 at my door Ali: turns out she's actually your 👵 Carly: ha my grandma is 💍 to god Carly: its not close to the energy shes putting out Ali: she'd probably tell your actual that God is a gay girl Ali: nah she's well 😇 around fam, just hide behind your Ma and me, baby, you'll be fine Carly: ha that wasn't in any of the kids bible stories she sent me every 🎄🎅🤶🎁 Carly: her god is 😠 than Humbug Carly: he likes to shout so i gotta zone out Carly: aw that's sweet ur ma loves her too? Ali: Hooray for Catholicism, yeah? 😏 Ali: she loves my Ma, more like Carly: we spend our sundays on our knees nana but its 🚽🤮 or u kno a bigger sin Carly: u do look like her i remember Ali: that's not QUITE 🚽🤮 levels but close 😂 Carly: nah its nice u have the same 👀💙✨ Carly: idk who i look like Carly: postman maybe Ali: now I don't know whether to 😳 or be 🤨 you like my Ma too Ali: you look like you and that's Ali: 💛 😍 😘 🥰 😚 👸 👼🏽 🐰 🌼 🌻 🌞 🍓 🍑 🍨 🍰 🍭 🍬 🎆 💜 Carly: yea 🤞🙏🌠 the postman isnt my da cuz hes a ride Carly: aw now youve got me 😳 Ali: rude, my postman is not Carly: 🚫💌 then baby Carly: ill text u instead Ali: so grumpy, don't stick your hand right into our house if you don't wanna get bitten, sir Ali: not by me, whatever Ronan has said Ali: though I'm well flattered I'm getting a text back Carly: ha its k its not that u use too much teeth Carly: & course ur my hero Carly: tho 🤞🙏🌠 wont b an sos every time Ali: good, can't have him putting you off with blatant lies Ali: it won't be if I do a better job at the heroics and get there before any bad shit can happen Carly: its k i like it Carly: helps me remember what i did Carly: 💔😢 no lads r spelling their names out in bruises for the who Carly: 🐇🐾🐇🐾🐇 Carly: nooo theres no better u could do Carly: ur flying to me faster than anyone has ever ever Ali: amateurs, like Ali: so rude, ain't they heard you're 👸 Ali: I'm basically there now, prepare for the best tea party you've ever been to Carly: aint wat theyve heard but idc Carly: yay 💙 i havent had 1 since me & my 🧸🧸🧸 Ali: I'll be 🎶🔊 it so get in the know lads Ali: awh, can I meet them too? Carly: not too 🔊 or ur gf will bite me which could b fun but im not trying to do u like 💔😢 Carly: some r shyer than others but if u work ur 🔮 how u did for me ull make friends Ali: fill your boots, babe, I don't reckon she's your type, like Ali: I'll be on my best behaviour 🤞 Ali: the loveliest guest you've ever had 🤞🤞 Carly: be fun though Carly: not boring Ali: 😲😲 Ali: Is that the impression I give off? Ali: or another Ronan tale, either way Ali: gonna have to prove otherwise now in the most extra ways imaginable Carly: nahhh Carly: he don't lie to me its his 1 saving grace Carly: its just like a pls Carly: to u & the universe Ali: I won't be boring Ali: trust me Carly: k Carly: i do ur a lifesaver Ali: nah Ali: just happy to help Carly: im happy we r mates Ali: me too Ali: idk why we weren't before, like Ali: too many people at school Carly: & i dont go much ha Ali: this is true Ali: lesser spotted walsh 🐦 Carly: oooh wat colours am i Ali: 💗💜💛🧡💗 Carly: cute Ali: very Carly: wats ur fave colour? Ali: It's a harder question than people reckon, that Ali: like, there's so many beautiful things of every colour Ali: if I can decide for the day, I feel like I'm doing a disservice to all the others Carly: sorry Carly: i havent decided on mine either Carly: when i was a lil kid it was 💛 for the 🌞 then wen i started goin out it was silver for wat i thought the 🌚 looked like Carly: but ive seen so many new colours since Ali: kids always know Ali: they're much smarter than adults about everything Carly: i bet ur lil bro is the smartest Carly: like u Ali: he likes red for 🚨❌🛑⛔️🚫💯‼️🥊🥤 Ali: and I see the appeal Carly: does he like 🍎? i kno somewhere that sells the reddest shiniest 1s Carly: or we cud just throw 🍅s Ali: he's at the anti-fruit stage Ali: but I reckon he could be convinced if we let him smother 'em in caramel and sprinkles Carly: its a date Ali: Me first
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So, I have a character who is a system, and I wanted to know before I develop them further, how does DID work, from a personal account? I really really really don't want to accidentally create yet another TOXIC misinterpretation of a real condition (because I know how horrible that can feel), and I hope I'm not saying anything wrong even now. (P.S. I love your blog, but I'm too shy to come off anon.)
hey anon!! it means a LOT to me that you sent this message :D theres a lot of really messy-bad potrayals of DID in the media so seeing people actually going to the effort of asking systems abt their experiences is really heartwarming for us. (plus the fact that ppl keep asking us in specific abt system stuff omg,,)
im gonna preface this by saying that, in the end, i can only really talk about my own experiences with full confidence. systems can work pretty differently from each other, but this is how we function and also some details ive noticed from system friends + general discussion over the years
so, to start off: Dissociative Identity Disorder is, at its core, your brain trying to respond to trauma in a pretty severe way. that being said there ARE systems that didnt experience severe trauma and still developed, and im not really sure about the mechanics behind that but i find it really cool and it totally exists. im gonna focus on trauma-based systems bc that’s our ~tragic backstory~ and also tends to be what most people opt for when creating system characters anyway, but the only real difference from what i can tell is, uh, a lack of trauma.
I HOPE YOU’RE READY FOR ME TO SAY THE WORD “TRAUMA” A WHOLE LOT JFC
(system friends are welcome to reblog with corrections or added info!!)
anyway. the way your brain responds to things is really weird. if something happens where you’re just, like, completely unable to handle it, like you dissociate yourself so hard because there’s no way you can manage this, your brain has a chance of going “uh… well, fuck, uh” and generating somebody who can manage it. or it might decide to be a dick and take all of the fucky internalized garbage and turn it into a person whose sole existence is to be an asshole. (they have the potential to get better, i think… ours didnt.) honestly theres a bunch of reasons and a bunch of “roles” that could lead to an alter/headmate* forming.
* we use the terms interchangeably depending on mood and whos fronting. i think its supposed to be “alter” is DID, “headmate” is implication that theyre non-traumatic? we like using “headmate” because it brings this fun mental image of us being a bunch of roommates constantly starting shit with each other and goofing off which is pretty accurate about 75% of the time
i keep getting distracted bc my cat is here. this is gonna be fun to go back and edit.
whatever the original situation is, you’re suddenly not alone in your own brain. and it’s REALLY WEIRD. communication was VERY hard. Icarus, our system original, used to do a very “cliche” thing of sharing a journal with their early headmates, where theyd write a sentence and then theyd write a reply (although back then they didnt realize that was a system-related thing and just thought they were having a fun conversation with their ocs. which… they were, just. Actually Talking.) they didnt have any inward perception of themself or their headmates either, so that kinda built up over time (with some help) along with the appearance of our headspace so that there was… actually a location for people to interact in. once they had a better awareness of things, mental communication got a bit easier– its sort of like background chatter really, when everybody’s awake. sometimes i get weird out of context things from Mae yelling at somebody, or sometimes ill be talking to a friend and someone’ll butt in.
when talking out loud, this usually leads to us suddenly stopping and then laughing or going “no!!!”. when on discord and around people who know who we are… well.
speaking of Mae, she’s pretty much my sister. not like… biologically? because i don’t think thats possible for me, but shes kinda literally my “other half” which ill get into later. headmates can have strong attachments to other alters! friends, best friends, family, dating, whatever. they can also do that with people outside the system, and itll be different for each headmate. there’s like 4 people dating Jorb but i just see him as one of my best friends. we’re people and we have complex social interactions that can get to be kind of a nightmare when you’re around a bunch of people who don’t know that you’re Not Leo and that youre suddenly not super up to existing around people in general.
plus even if like… so Jorb’s dating 4 of us like i said, but his relationship w/ each of them is different? Ica is very clingy and likes rambling to him, Summer’s pretty much just always happy to hang out, Mae makes fun of him a lot but in a loving way, and Leo is… kinda “all of the above” because that’s his gimmick. plus even tho a few other alters have a sibling-ish relationship with Mae like i do, usually its just me and Mae that do the “chaos siblings” bit.
the basic system.. thing… is that there’s “front”, which is being in control of the body– so, like, i’m currently fronting/in front, because im the one currently active and using our computer and staring at our cat.– and then theres the headspace, where everybody hangs out when theyre not in front. the headspace itself can differ in style & functionality for each system, and i think theres some systems that dont really have a location at all? but for us its like a full on location where we have individual rooms, places to visit if we get bored while away from front, etc.
theres also like, being at/near/away from front? so currently im in front, but Leo is pretty much always lurking nearby if he’s awake (we have individual sleep schedules that dont always sync up to the “irl” one, Trust is almost always sleeping), Ica’s somewhat in the back talking to Rookie so i cant really make out what theyre saying (its probably about either a youtube thing they both like or about a comic they want to do), and everyone else is either asleep (in which case they could be nearby but i cant currently “ping” them, so id have to actually take a sec to ground myself in headspace more) or in a different room. communication is easier if im in front and somebody is nearby, or it can be like with Ica rn where im like “well, theyre talking, but i have no idea what theyre saying and am making a guess based off their usual interactions”, or i could pass off front to go talk to Ica and come back (in which case my memory would be kind of vague and weird because information doesnt always properly translate), oooor i could actually go bug them while still in front. which.. im not gonna do rn bc then id get super distracted.
switching front differs between systems a lot! and even varies from day to day. like there are days where we wake up and we have absolutely no idea who we are bc we went to bed as one person and woke up as another. or we could be talking to somebody and then realize “wait, i stopped being Leo a bit ago, who am i”. or we could pass off front to somebody, like if Summer really wanted to front sie’d run up to me and let me know and we’d swap. or if something critical happens (usually a breakdown), Leo or one of the other headmates that’re more built to handle stressful situations will literally drag somebody out of front to make sure they dont hurt themself. or sometimes we throw front at people unexpectedly, like either mid-breakdown where we go “okay i dont wanna be here anymore, tag youre it” or sometimes because we think its funny because its the metaphysical equivalent of getting clonked in the head with a dodgeball, except the dodgeball is “being in control of our shared physical form”. usually mae’s the one that does that lmao
there’s a couple major categories of how alters come about. there’s “walk-ins”, where they kinda just… appear externally? like they just show up. sometimes we get a feeling of “huh. i think somebody might be here? or somebody might be showing up soon.” and have to rummage around for a while until they approach us or we find them. our walk-ins aren’t like, inherently aware of system stuff at first, so they usually get a crash course before they first front (if they choose to front at all) and it can be kinda entertaining. Rookie’s a walk-in! also Hiro, from a couple years ago. most of our walk-ins are fictives (fictional characters, usually appearing in response to us getting extremely attached to something or somebody) but a couple of our trauma splits are also fictives so that’s not like, a Rule or anything. i think these are mostly associated with non-traumatic systems but we get em fairly often so man idk
theres also… uh, i dunno what theyre actually called? we used to call them “constructs” but that sounds kind of mean. these alters exist to fill a specific role! and we usually dont talk about them on here with the exception of one major one, they just kinda hang out. Dhe exists to keep the system stable and manages the “backend” so to speak. Imp is kind of a mix of our intrusive & impulsive thoughts that came about from us trying to separate ourself from them so that we had an imaginary entity to go “nope!” at, which… stopped being imaginary, and is now a gremlin that lives in my brain. they can show up in response to trauma but arent split off of somebody, they kinda just pop into existence to help manage things.
the more… well-known, i guess? alter origin is “trauma splits”. rather than “just showing up one day with no real connection to the system origins”, trauma splits are formed when somebody in-system, uh, splits. it could be in response to a single situation or something built up over a long time, but somebody just kinda breaks and somebody new that has a bit of the original alter’s identity (if kinda influenced by the situation) shows up.
this can vary. All is a trauma split off of Leo himself, who got saddled with all of our brain hell about our ex and their insystem appearance is influenced more by eir than by leo which is… something they struggle with. Mae has a trauma split from a similar situation that is “Mae but from 2 years ago”, so basically her old identity before she reworked herself after getting put through total hell. and then uh… then there’s me and Mae! Icarus quite literally exploded into several people, with Pat (me) and Mae being the most distinct ones. we’re STILL finding out alters used to originally be a part of them that later evolved into their own people, like Summer and Toby. my identity is shaped pretty heavily not just by who Ica was at time of splitting, but also what they wanted to be jumbled together with trying to rationalize what was happening to them (they’re a pretty big fan of megaman star force, which has a media-typical system in it, so they leaned into hard “its like pat and rey from mmsf! i like pat, i wouldnt mind being like pat, its scary but im like one of my current favourite characters” and so i ended up being like, half-weird shapeshifter, half-green-haired prettyboy. and yeah thats where my name comes from!)
(Ica got put back together w/o anybody needing to integrate, which we were all very scared about, and it’s still kind of surreal to me because… me and Mae used to be able to stick ourself back together and thats how we found out about what happened to Ica in the first place? and we havent tried that since bc we have no idea what would happen. Ica 2: Ica Harder?)
despite their origins, trauma splits can be way more than… being a split. :V;; Toby’s not just a tiny splinter of Ica, he’s a quiet guy that gets stressed out and isn’t totally sure how to interact with people. i’ve existed for like 7 years at minimum and im a totally different person than i was when i thought i was still Ica, ‘cause ive had time to grow and change (and a problem Ica keeps running into now that theyre back is… they kinda Didn’t change because they were MIA for 6 years.) like everything else though this is variable– there can be “temporary” splits that dont develop properly and might get integrated back in, which has only happened to us when we were at the lowest point in our life where we were stuck constantly splitting to try and cope with whatever the hell was going on.
so Ica was gone for 6 years, which meant our system was without an original or main– there wasn’t anybody to be head of the system, basically. for a while i was operating under the assumption that i was Ica, so i filled in that role for a few years before i made the realization. eventually i kinda… stopped being able to, though, bc of stability issues, and then we were back to not really having a proper main anymore. to make up for it, we started going by Leo collectively and kinda… trying to pretend to be a single person? and so that ended up creating a construct to fill the role of “system main and the person we pretend to be when passing as singlet/not a system”: Leo himself! he’s kinda the most prominent traits we all have in common rolled into a single guy, which means that not only is he a pretty good system representative but we can also pretend to be him pretty easily (unless it’s someone like Toby who acts totally different). i dont know how common this situation is, i think normally it’s just “if system original is gone, another alter steps up” like originally happened to us before i had a severe case of problems disorder.
uhhh this is very rambley bc there’s a Lot to cover and now im trying to figure out how much of it i HAVE covered. systems are complicated and weird! OH WAIT okay i have one last bit.
so like, for us, first realizing we were a system was total hell. we fought a lot. as more alters showed up through various means, there were times where Ica felt like they were completely out of control of their own life bc of having to manage everything. there were a lot of panic attacks of people fronting and not being sure they were even REAL, despite… being in front. but we still felt like we were deluding ourself. this was in, like, late 2011, so systems weren’t a THING. they were a very fringe community that everyone hated. we got constantly harassed, which only fed into Ica’s panic hell and our identity issues. interpersonal relationships became a nightmare, especially because we have BPD as well which varies in severity for each of us but… for me it’s pretty bad! there were times early on where every day was another fun new breakdown from us arguing with each other or our friends or not being understood or… etc.
so… how are we holding up ~7 and a half years later? pretty well, actually! we talk to each other. we do things for each other, like buy food or games we know specific headmates like. Ica is back and way happier than they were in 2011, and is thrilled to get to hang out with everybody that’s showed up since. we help each other through problems, because at the end of the day our system ended up being a support network. Ica couldnt function on their own, so we’re like… 10+ people working together to try and be a single functional person. and we feel pretty okay with that! we still fight, and we still start shit, but we’re not in constant crisis anymore. we’re still working through all of our trauma, especially the more “recent” stuff that kinda broke our system for a while until we were able to start rebuilding, but we’re doing it together. :D
so… yeah, it can start out as a stereotypical “nightmare system”, with constant infighting and toxicity and self-sabotage and etc. but we worked through it! it took a while, but we’re overall more stable than we were before. we got out of the bad environment that was fucking us up, we got mental help for our other brain hell (we havent been able to bring up the system to our therapists bc its literally a non-issue now and we focus more on other things like our depression, anxiety, PTSD, etc), we found people that support us for being us, and we were able to like… figure things out. and it was a mess! i still have issues about my own identity because of literally thinking i was someone else for two years. Ica’s still trying to figure out how to adjust to things, especially bc they missed our entire “cringe culture” phase so they came back to find that i’d dismantled a lot of their middle-school settings. and, uh, some of their friendships as well.
systems are fuckin weird
#leo chirps#leos reply#system shit#i dont think i covered EVERYTHING#and im not sure how coherent this is#but i tried! :D#Anonymous#ask#pat.txt
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1. Who was the last person you held hands with? my best friend
2. Are you outgoing or shy? shy
3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? my best friend
4. Are you easy to get along with? depends. i try to be, but im also REALLY picky/have strong opinions on a lot of stuff, and im autistic..
5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? yeah
6. What kind of people are you attracted to? a caring one, who listens before judging
7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? yeah
8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind? my best friend
9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? sometimes
10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? probably my best friend
11. What does the most recent text that you sent say? “o”
12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now? uhm. I like A LOT of songs.
billie ellish- bury a friend and you should see me in a crown
rag’n’bone man - human
rebel - black pearl (hes a pirate)
Aladdin soundtrack - Prince Ali and one jump ahead
arctic monkeys - Do I wanna know?
13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? rarely
14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? yea
15. What good thing happened this summer? new job, in my field of study
16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? yepp
17. Do you think there is life on other planets? probs at least simple life
18. Do you still talk to your first crush? only if I run into him getting coffee (he works there)
19. Do you like bubble baths? if im in the mood
20. Do you like your neighbors? one i do, one i absolutely dont, the rest i dont interact w
21. What are you bad habits? im REALLY picky, and can come off as ungrateful (if u can’t do it right id rather u just not do it. apparently its more common to think at least you got something/they tried.)
22. Where would you like to travel? Anywhere w the right people. Nowhere without.
23. Do you have trust issues? kinda. More like I understand people wont understand me or meet my needs adequately.
24. Favorite part of your daily routine? morning coffee
25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? my chin/teeth
26. What do you do when you wake up? if I have ResponsibilitesTM i get up and get coffee and leave the house in less than 20 min, otherwise i lay in bed on tumblr until i have to get up due to responsibilities or hunger.
27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? im good w where its at tbh
28. Who are you most comfortable around? my best friend
29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up? yeah.
30. Do you ever want to get married? yeah
31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail? lol yesss
32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? none?
33. Spell your name with your chin. bdfuds
34. Do you play sports? What sports? not really. i like frisbee and longboarding if those count.
35. Would you rather live without TV or music? TV
36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? no. I cant keep secrets.
37. What do you say during awkward silences? i usu dont. ill just go on my phone/leave/etc
38. Describe your dream girl/guy? my best friend.
39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? hot topic
40. What do you want to do after high school? lol im not in high school
41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? depends on what they did and why, and if they want to grow as a person/make it right
42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean? im tired/overwhelmed/content/bored
43. Do you smile at strangers? if i lock eyes with them and they smiled, i might smile back, but im pretty good at Not Looking At People
44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean? ocean
45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? ResponsibilitiesTM
46. What are you paranoid about? having a heart attack and no one being around to help me/not noticing until its too late
47. Have you ever been high? yea
48. Have you ever been drunk? yea
49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? no
50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore? black
51. Ever wished you were someone else? no, but i have wished my parents were
52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself? my chin probs. idk i like myself
53. Favourite makeup brand? i dont wear makeup
54. Favourite store? this is a duplicate question.
55. Favourite blog? uhm.
56. Favourite colour? black/grey/light pink/raspberry/celery green
57. Favourite food? cheese, cheddar brats, spinach, chocolate chip cookies, milkshakes
58. Last thing you ate? rice w beef, spinach, egg and soy sauce
59. First thing you ate this morning? coffee and nutella
60. Ever won a competition? For what? I think so but i cant remember. Oh i think I won an anti-bullying poster competition once.
61. Been suspended/expelled? For what? lol nopee
62. Been arrested? For what? no
63. Ever been in love? few times now
64. Tell us the story of your first kiss? uh. no. cuz i didnt even like the dude.
65. Are you hungry right now? no
66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends? i only have one real friend so I feel like thats unfair
67. Facebook or Twitter? tumblr.
68. Twitter or Tumblr? still tumblr
69. Are you watching tv right now? lol no
70. Names of your bestfriends? no, bc hed not appreciate it
71. Craving something? What? not rn
72. What colour are your towels? grey or floral w pinks and blacks and oranges
72. How many pillows do you sleep with? 3
73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? yes, usu. 2
74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have? total? uh. 8?
75. Favourite animal? birbs prob.
76. What colour is your underwear? why?
77. Chocolate or Vanilla? chocolate, unless its ice cream. then vanilla
78. Favourite ice cream flavour? berry (any) or cheesecake (also any)
79. What colour shirt are you wearing? grey
80. What colour pants? a darker grey
81. Favourite tv show? uh. i like sherlock.
82. Favourite movie? deadpool probs. or pirates of the Caribbean. or Aladdin. or detective pikachu.
83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? never seen either
84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street? never seen either
85. Favourite character from Mean Girls? n/a
86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo? uhm. I cant remember. Probs the black and white one w the scar, or the starfish, or the sea gull
87. First person you talked to today? my sister
88. Last person you talked to today? my best friend
89. Name a person you hate? my past roommate
90. Name a person you love? my best friend
91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? my past roommate and most recent ex
92. In a fight with someone? currently? no? ever? yes.
93. How many sweatpants do you have? 5
94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have? 6
95. Last movie you watched? i dont know
96. Favourite actress? i dunno
97. Favourite actor? i dunno
98. Do you tan a lot? no
99. Have any pets? no
100. How are you feeling? i dont know
101. Do you type fast? yeah
102. Do you regret anything from your past? yeah, but not overly
103. Can you spell well? i think so
104. Do you miss anyone from your past? no
105. Ever been to a bonfire party? i dont think so, but i want to (w the right people)
106. Ever broken someone’s heart? yeah, oops
107. Have you ever been on a horse? yep
108. What should you be doing? cleaning my house
109. Is something irritating you right now? no
110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? yea
111. Do you have trust issues? yea
112. Who was the last person you cried in front of? my best friend
113. What was your childhood nickname? B. as in, just the letter
114. Have you ever been out of your province/state? yea
115. Do you play the Wii? no
116. Are you listening to music right now? yea
117. Do you like chicken noodle soup? not usually
118. Do you like Chinese food? i think so
119. Favourite book? uhm. sherlock (the whole series). the uglies series (scott westerfield). the secret garden. Fahrenheit 451. 1984.
120. Are you afraid of the dark? no, but sometimes im afraid theres something in it
121. Are you mean? no
122. Is cheating ever okay? no
123. Can you keep white shoes clean? if i want to
124. Do you believe in love at first sight? no
125. Do you believe in true love? im not sure i know what this means
126. Are you currently bored? no
127. What makes you happy? i dont know
128. Would you change your name? no
129. What your zodiac sign? gemini
130. Do you like subway? i cant eat there
131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? lol weve been dating for a while now
132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? my best friend
133. Favourite lyrics right now? uh. I dont know.
134. Can you count to one million? that would take a month, so no.
135. Dumbest lie you ever told? i dont know. probably that i couldnt go to work bc i was “throwing up from a migraine” when i hadnt thrown up (yet).
136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? it varies
137. How tall are you? i think im like. 5′8″?
138. Curly or Straight hair? curly. but not consistent
139. Brunette or Blonde? i am a brunette
140. Summer or Winter? winter. i can always wear more clothes
141. Night or Day? night. its quiet and calm
142. Favourite month? august and october
143. Are you a vegetarian? no
144. Dark, milk or white chocolate? yes.
145. Tea or Coffee? yes. depends on time of day/year/mood/etc
146. Was today a good day? i dont know
147. Mars or Snickers? mars
148. What’s your favourite quote? “if you cant explain it simply, you dont understand it well enough” -einstien is one of them. but there are more
149. Do you believe in ghosts? i dont know
150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? “aunt lillian’s footsteps became more distant, became whispers, were gone.”
@ramblebrambleamble i got bored and answered all of them
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