#idk man I’m so tired of the sameness of day to day life with chronic pain

[akindplace]

Struggling really bad with migraines. I can’t be here a lot because it’s awful to look at the screen. I’m struggling to walk straight lines because of the dizziness and I can’t sleep because of the pain. The thing about being constantly sick is that… it’s so boring. You can’t really do anything because of the pain, but you also wish you were doing literally anything else instead of being miserable in bed. Most of all, I wish for low pain days and less fatigue. Oh, and I also want so bad to be by the beach.

Queue is on as usual, and it’s safe to say I won’t be around as much as long as this crisis continues.

I hope everyone is doing okay. I wish you all low pain days, less fatigue, and a long seaside vacation.

Lots of love,

Liv

[the-chaos-goose]

Vent. Warnings are as follows

S/H, derealization, suicidal ideation, child neglect, child abuse, homocidal ideation

I relapsed again. Whoo. On my fucking wrist. It’s easy to hide but gods im mad that I managed it

The urge has been killing me though. That and suicidal ideation that doesn’t even make sense. I’m happy. I’m in a good place with my life, Ik what I wanna do, I’m eating mostly ok for once, and I’m not exactly dying. But at the same time I’ve just. Craved death? Idk

I’m half blaming my chronic derealization and how constantly tired of both people and being awake I am. I’m dealing with somnophobia that literally leaves me too scared to sleep. Like, my heart races when I get tired. And it’s bc my dreams cause me to derealize severely until I panic when I’m awake and feel sick the whole time. It doesn’t matter the dream, but once I wake up I’m just sick. Sick to my stomach and scared

also guess who’s stuck dealing with the emotional bullshittery of their parents neglect and abuse again? Meeee

gods I hate listening to a man’s pathetic temper tantrum after I go another day having not eaten anything besides lunchables and maybe leftovers. He thinks he has it so bad with the “shit birds” messing up his stuff when I don’t remember last time he even asked if I was ok. Gods. And he’s taken to screaming at me again! And telling me to eat expired food, again!!! Gods I want to kill him. And tbh? If I wasn’t shit at planning, and unwilling to cause anyone grief, I fucking would. Too bad morals are a thing I do indeed have! Huh? Idk man, after he and my brother have put me through, I want to stab their guts out and rip their eyes out of the sockets. Speaking of my brother, he got a new fucking PS5! Y’hear that? A NEW. PS. 5. gods I love watching him get spoiled half to death

AND HE GOT A TARANTULA

HE HAS A SNAKE, HAD SOME FISH, AND SOME RATS, AND NOW THIS??? GODS. HES SO FUCKING SPOILED AND IT MAKES ME WANNA END MYSELF IN FRONT OF MY PARENTS TO MAKE SURE THEY KNOW HOW MUCH THEY’VE RUINED ME. GODS. GODS ON EARTH. I WANT THEM DEAD. I WANT THIS FAMILY DEAD.

idk man. I’m just sick of living like this

where I’ve been trying day in and day out to get my shitty Chromebook fixed when my brother is a spoiled able-bodied asshole. I’m tired. I’m tired of living. I’m gonna keep going, the whole “I don’t wanna cause anyone grief” thing is there. But gods I just wanna leave this part of my life behind and at the very least time-skip to where I’m actually in a good place.

[adastra-j69]

I am so hecking tired of chronic pain.

Can’t sleep bc I’m in so much pain tonight, but have been having issues sleeping for a couple weeks now so is the pain a random flare up or is it bc my sleep has been shit? Not to mention I fall in and out of sleep so much that I miss most meals bc I can’t get out of bed bc I’m literally fighting to keep my eyes open or bc I’m just in that much pain. Sometimes I’m hungry but I just let myself fall asleep or distract myself w something else bc going downstairs to get food is just so fucking daunting. Eating once a day is probably also not helping but I feel trapped in my aching body, in my bed. I feel like I’m exaggerating or making things up, but at the same time the pain I feel, the aches I live with feel real, so who’s to say?

My moods were finally getting better too but now the exhaustion and pain are just dragging me back down, down, down.

I’m so fucking tired all the time and I can’t sleep. But I need to get back to work and do things but also new job is majorly screwing me over w what’s available for me to do so. Idk.

This is rly just a big mishmash of everything stressing me out rn. I just want to scream. I wish I could just find a full wfh job w benefits which is why I left my last job bc 1099 bs but now it’s biting me in the ass and I’m so tired man. Why can’t i get this life thing right? I just fuck everything up and add to my debt. Sometimes I wonder why I didn’t just fucking off myself before I went to PHP and saved myself the medical bills and added debt.

Hanging by a thread all for my gf and cat..

[emilyofjane]

Why the Disney Princesses definitely need therapy: a Hot Take

Snow White

Losing her parents as a child and having to learn to take care of herself at a very young age (Snow White is 14 in the movie, and judging by her work ethic, she appears to at least have some experience with living independently before moving in with the 7 dwarves)

Lack of socialization due to isolation

Depression due to isolation and loneliness. This makes the whole “Someday My Prince Will Come” thing much more believable, because Snow White really isn’t in any sort of immediate danger and doesn’t need “saving” or whatever; she’s just tired of being alone and wants human companionship. (And tbh who can blame her? The poor girl’s literally talking to birds and moved in with the first group of humanoid creatures she could find ffs)

This one’s a bit of a stretch, but I’m pretty sure Snow White would also have an unhealthy fear of strangers and/or an irrational fear of being poisoned after the whole apple fiasco

Cinderella

Being raised in an abusive home environment for most (if not virtually all) of her life

The complete lack of positive social interaction throughout her life has probably led to problems with social withdrawal and isolation at some point, and I wouldn’t be surprised if she has repressed symptoms of chronic depression due to loneliness.

Her closest emotional confidants are literally two talking mice, and that just screams “My only friends are animals because their love is unconditional I’ve been invalidated and unloved by every human being in my life” (aka extreme emotional neglect)

She probably has tons of questions about her biological parents that were never answerd because, again, her stepfamily hated her, which would obviously lead to some emotional baggage

If we consider Cinderella III: A Twist in Time to be the new canon, she definitely has some unresolved PTSD from her near-death experience (the “almost getting crushed to death in the carriage because it was transforming back into a pumpkin” scene)

Aurora

Existential crisis because the three fairy godmothers basically rewrote her entire identity as “Rose” and hid the fact that she was a princess

Never knowing who her real parents were as a child, leading to emotional baggage similar to that of Cinderella and Snow White mentioned above

Either the emotional burden of having to make up for 16+ years of lost time with her biological family, or the grief of losing her biological family without ever getting the chance to know them (idk whether Aurora actually got to meet her parents by the end of the movie or if they died before she woke up, because I don’t remember exactly how much time had passed while she was in the coma)

Speaking of the spindle prick-induced magical coma (which is a really long-winded and inefficient way to kill someone honestly, idk what Melificent was thinking), Aurora also has to deal with the emotional burden of how much time has passed while she was in a coma, which would only further feed into the existential crisis and emotional trauma in bullet points 1 and 3.

(Also, off the record, but Aurora’s entire life post-movie is just a hot fucking mess and she really deserves a second movie exploring that concept imo. I know that Sleeping Beauty has already gotten a live-action villain spinoff, but the story of Aurora herself really deserves to be reexamined under a modern lens also. Aurora is easily one of the most overlooked Disney princesses and tbh she deserves more love.)

Belle (feat. the expanded lore from the live-action movie)

Witnessing her mother die from the plague in their own home

Being forceed to move from the more culturally progressive city of Paris to the unnamed “poor provential town” in the movie, where she is clearly the odd one out and is subject to gender inequality on a daily basis (in the form of being publically shamed and socially ostacized for being an educated woman)

Being regularly sexually harassed by Gaston, which is further exacerbated by the villagers and their close-mindedness. Not only is Gaston’s behavior enabled and encouraged by the villagers, but they even go so far as to idolize Gaston — as shown during his namesake song — despite his obviously predatory actions, simply because he is a cishet white man that they find conventionally attractive

Watching her father get arrested despite being 100% innocent...TWICE

Also being arrested when her father is wrongly convicted a second time, by none other than her abuser

Watching her lover — who besides her parents was the first person in her life who truly loved her and respected her intellect despite being a woman — nearly die in her arms, as well as everyone else in the castle (who ALSO respected her regardless of her gender) nearly die at the same exact time.

...And you know, Stockholm Syndrome or whatever. (But tbh, given how everyone in the castle was very kind and respectful and how the Beast was a tsundere at best, Belle would probably suffer far more from PTSD brought upon by Gaston and her previous environment than from “Stockholm Syndrome” in a castle where everyone actually treated her like a normal fucking human being. Unpopular opinion I know but as a sexual assault survivor this is literally a hill I will die on.)

Jasmine

I’ve actually never watched Aladdin all the way through, so unfortunately I can’t give a full analysis of Jasmine’s conflicts...but I have seen that gif of her saying “I am not a prize to be won” and that just screams “I’ve suffered a lifetime of female objectification and gender inequality despite my social status, and not even in the highest position of authority possible am I allowed to have a voice” and idk about you but that is really fucked up man

Ariel

PTSD from being manipulated by Ursula to give up her voice and nearly losing everything (both her previous life in the ocean and the promise of a new life on land with her love interest) because of it

Near-death experience from *vague hand gesture to whatever the fuck that was at the end of the movie*

Inevitable depression from abandoning the only home she’s ever known (the ocean) and leaving her friends and family behind

She’ll probably also need some form of behavioral therapy to help her adjust to her new home on land, whose culture is still extremely foreign to her — and maybe even additional therapy for social anxiety, given how her first 3 days of human interaction were so mortifyingly embarrassing that she’ll probably be laying wide awake at 3 AM and thinking “oh my god I can’t believe I looked Eric’s parents dead in the eyes and brushed my hair with a dinner fork” for the next 10 years.

Tiana

PTSD from literally being turned into a frog

Overworking herself to the point of near burnout, and being unable to fully live out her prime adult years because of said burnout

Constantly dealing with shitty customers, bosses, and other white-collared people disrespecting her and treating her as subhuman because of her career choice, which is unfortunately a common shared experience among restaurant workers and those who work hourly wages

Since this movie takes place in the United States presumably before the 1960’s, it’s probably safe to assume that Tiana also probably had to deal with segregation, Jim Crow laws, and other forms of racism off-screen on a daily basis, which would obviously take a toll on her mental well-being and further exacerbate the issues mentioned in #3

Grief from losing her dad, which has likely been repressed due to her workaholic tendencies denying her the ability to properly take the time to mourn

I don’t even know what to categorize the whole witch doctor shenanigans as, I just know that she and Naveen are both going to need some SERIOUS therapy after going through all that shit

Rapunzel

Being raised in an emotionally abusive and controlling environment for her entire life

Being completely isolated for 18 years with no social interaction whatsoever with anyone except her own abuser

Existential/identity crisis from discovering that she’s actually a princess, that her “mom” was actually the one who kidnapped her as a baby and tried to cut her hair, and that everything she knew about herself and the world she lived in was essentially a lie to keep her obedient to Gothel

Near-death experience (the drowning scene)

Internalized fear and mistrust in strangers — and quite possibly in people in general — due to Gothel’s lifelong warnings that people in the outside world would only want to take advantage of her

Watching the woman who raised her MERCILESSLY STAB THE ONLY OTHER PERSON SHE EVER KNEW AND LOVED IN THE GODDAMN CHEST

Watching the woman who raised her LITERALLY CRUMBLE TO DUST IN FRONT OF HER VERY EYES

WATCHING FLYNN, THE ONLY OTHER PERSON SHE EVER KNEW AND LOVED BESIDES HER GODDAMN ABUSER, FUCKING DIE RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER before she miraculously healed him

Because Flynn’s revival was such an uncanny revival that not even Rapunzel knew how she did it, she obviously thought he was gone for good...and since Gothel was gone also, there must’ve been at least a split second before she healed Flynn where, for the first time in her entire life, she was completely and utterly alone. That alone deserves to be a bullet point because holy shit

I’m not even going to get into Tangled: the Series man this list is getting too long as it is

Elsa

Losing her parents at a young age

Abandonment and isolation issues (mostly self-inflicted due to her own fear of hurting others, see #3)

Internalized fear and self-doubt of her powers — and, by extension, fear and self-doubt in herself

Guilt from nearly plunging Arendelle into an eternal winter

Guilt from almost losing her sister (twice!) due to her own direct actions

(Coinciding with #3) Guilt from isolating herself from her sister to protect her, only to nearly get her killed by the very thing she was trying to protect her from

Anxiety. Just lots and lots of general anxiety.

(Omitting Frozen 2 for Elsa because I haven’t seen it yet and this list is getting too long)

Anna

Also losing her parents at a young age

Abandonment and isolation issues, but hers are moreso due to Elsa “shutting her out” as a kid and having no one else her age in the castle to interact with

Lack of socialization in general for much of her childhood, as well as any social anxieties/lack of social knowledge and etiquette/etc. that would come with it

Abusive relationship with Hans (I know it was only one day, but holy fuck that was a trainwreck. What Hans did to Anna is a literal breeding ground for PTSD and trauma)

Coming to terms with the fact that the trolls fucking erased her memories of Elsa having ice powers and that Elsa isolated herself to protect her (and not, you know, because she hated her or something)

Leftover guilt from holding a grudge against Elsa for most of her childhood for shutting her out, because NO ONE BOTHERED TO TELL HER THAT IT WAS FOR HER OWN GOOD and she never knew why

Basically Anna and Elsa both need joint therapy or family counseling or something because holy shit their parents did NOT handle this situation properly AT ALL

(Also omitting Frozen 2 for Anna because I haven’t seen it and this list is also getting too long)

Moana

Surprisingly, Moana’s movie was relatively tame — in fact, because her tribe returned to voyaging and she is now exploring the seas/following her passion, these events were arguably beneficial to Moana’s mental health rather than detrimental. The only emotional baggage I can really imagine Moana having post-movie is leftover grief from her grandma dying and maybe the stress of having to put up with Maui’s shit

[sicloudlifting]

Underrated Self Care Items to Lift

Okay so I was talking on Peach about how I hate that I only ever see the stereotypical self care items like haircare, skincare, makeup, etc. So, I decided to make a list of things to lift to care for yourself that isn't just the usual lotions and lipstick. This can be for people with mental illness or neurotypicals who just aren't that good at participating in self care. Alright, here we go.

A water bottle. If you have a really nice water bottle you're way more likely to drink water, it's a proven fact. I take several medications with side effects of dehydration but for some reason I very rarely feel thirsty so I am chronically dehydrated. Honestly if you feel like shit one day and can't figure out why drink some water and see if you feel better. I always feel so icky when I don't drink enough water. I've even seen smart water bottles that you can connect to your phone. If you don't like regular water, lift some of those Mio water flavoring bottles, or some fruit to make infused water.

Nutritious foods. Grocery hauls are becoming way more of a thing on liftblr which I love to see because there's only so many clothes and so much makeup you really need and can use. Lift some fancy nutritious food from like Whole Foods or something. I mean how hard is it to slide a couple of organic bananas into your bag? Some granola? A bar or vegan and ethically sourced dark chocolate? Whatever man just lift a nutritious snack to eat during your self care time.

Socks. I feel like socks are a pretty common lift but just in case you weren't thinking about it. I like those really thick and cushiony old man socks lmfao, they're so comfy to wear around the house especially if you've just put some lotion on your feet.

Nail polish. I feel like this is also common to lift, but if you haven't thought about it, consider it. Taking a little time to paint your nails garuntees you won't be doing anything for awhile, and gives you an excuse to just sit around while your nails dry. Plus it's fun, simple, and I feel like everyone feels a little more put together with their nails painted.

A really nice robe. Getting a really nice robe to just wear around the house or after you leave the shower is heavenly, truly. Imagine stepping out of the shower freshly shaved, moisturizing with a thick nice smelling body butter, and then sliding into a silk robe? The vibes.

Comfy pajamas. I always just wear old t shirts and boxers at my house, but consider lifting some cute and soft pajamas. How you dress is directly related to how you feel, so even if no one is going to see you that day it never hurts to dress up a little for yourself. I don't recommend anything sexy and lacey, just some simple, soft, comfortable PJ's to lounge around in.

House slippers. I honestly hate having things on my feet, I like my toes to be free. But if you've got carpet like me, walking around barefoot absolutely sucks the moisture out of your feet and leaves you with cracking, crusty heels. Gross. You could always just wear the aforementioned comfy socks, but having a designated pair of fluffy house slippers is just the height of luxury.

Foot care in general. Face and body care gets all the hype, especially on liftblr. But, feel get neglected asf by almost everyone. Do you know how luxurious it is to give yourself a good pedicure at home and have soft, smooth feet? I lifted myself a Pedi Perfect (one of those motorized foot files) and it's life changing especially if you're like me and your feet are just the gross neverending callous. Get some nice toe nail nippers, some foot cream, a pumice stone, whatever. Your life will never be the same.

Tea and coffee. Stop buying cheap af tea and coffee when you can lift the good stuff. Get the bags of Starbucks coffee beans, steal a French press, get some loose leaf tea, whatever. Just get the good shit ffs I never see y'all lifting tea.

Plants. Obviously don't lift plants if you don't think you can care for them, and ofc you can't fit a huge ass shrub in your bag, but taking a few succulents home won't hurt. Some people find that caring for something else, like a pet, makes them feel better. If you don't have a pet, try a plant! Plus being around a lot of plants always lifts my mood, especially in these dreary winter months.

Vitamins. Lift some good quality hair skin and nail vitamins, pre natal vitamins, or even just a multi. Getting some extra nutrients that you may not get from your diet can't hurt. Also, speaking of the dreary winter months, a lot of people suffer from seasonal depression. This can actually be caused by a lack of vitamin D! Lift some vitamin D and take it in the winter, it might keep you from feeling sad and tired. If you get dizzy when you stand up too fast, get cold easily, or are easily fatigued, you might also be deficient in iron. Obviously get any of those symptoms checked out by a doctor, but it won't hurt you to lift some iron pills and see if they make you feel a little better. A pretty reliable sign that you aren't getting enough iron is if your nail beds have a pale or bluish tint. Finally, try some St. John's Wart. It's an herbal supplement that has been shown in recent studies to help relieve mild depression symptoms. If you have major depressive disorder, obviously an herbal supplement won't be quite as good as a real antidepressant. But, if you suffer from mild mood problems or need help feeling a little calmer, try this. Before you try any of these supplements please READ THE WARNINGS and TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR. If you don't have access to a doctor right away at least GOOGLE if these supplements interact with any other medications you are taking, I know that the St. John's Wart in particular can be tricky.

An aromatherapy diffuser and essential oils. Idk if I believe in aromatherapy completely, but it's pretty hard to feel shitty when you have the gentle smell of citrus essential oil wafting around your room, I'm just saying.

A salt lamp. Apparently the salt lamps are supposed to "cleanse your atmosphere". Again, not 100% buying it, but they are soooo pretty and I use mine as a nightlight because it gives off a soft orange glow. It's apparently better to use a red-tinted light at night if you have to have one because it won't keep you up. You can even lift tiny salt lamps that plug into the outlet just like a night light.

A notebook/journal and pens. Sometimes writing about your feelings makes you feel a bit better. You can also get art supplies and express yourself that way, or get a planner and organize your life to reduce stress related to a busy schedule.

Okay so this is all I can think of for now but please please PLEASE reblog with any of your suggestions! I've been thinking about the kinds of things I can get to take care of myself better, and everyone just says face masks and stuff. I have hella face masks, and I don't feel any better lmfaooo.

[bittersweetlikecoffee]

Like shout-out to my forever partner. He's the best and real, real, real one. Get you a man who won't judge you for admitting to having nightly panic attacks and night terrors but instead supports you without any judgment whatsoever. And, bonus, no matter what refuses to leave your side no matter how much you insist you're too damaged.

Y'all this year has been a lot on me--mentally, emotionally and physically. Hell, spiritually. Losing my grandmother...moving...job hunting...trying additional options in the meantime while job hunting...grappling with the reemergence of my mental health issues...on and on...trying to look for apartments...stressing over money issues. It's been a lot and tiring and I'm so fucking tired I want to cry. I'm so tired. I'm so angry at everything symptom wise crippling me. This feels like it's honestly too much. I wish I could like tear this out of myself at times, but... I know I can't give up. So I won't.

But y'all I'm just so thankful for my fiance. He's held me down. Seriously. This is like recompense for me holding him down when he mentally and emotionally needed it. This is what a strong and healthy relationship is all about. I'm so incredibly thankful that he keeps me calm and can hold me and soothe me. I'm thankful that he allows me to vent and doesn't pressure me on my really, really bad days. I'm thankful that he's understood me when I told him I needed help. It's hard to admit that because for awhile I was stabilizing and things were looking up. I want to cry, seriously. Just...support systems are so, so, so important when it comes to mental health. I want to thank my friend too because she's been super sweet and loving and just there for me. She's been very kind and never turns me away or anything. She's almost always willing to listen and these past months have been loaded.

The ability to have someone in your corner when you're regressing and you can recognize it is imperative. I know I won't be hospitalized. I just believe that I won't regress that badly ever again. I cannot. I cannot do it again. It's too much to hit a reset button again at this interval of my life. To be truthful, I'm fucking terrified of that possibility so I'm avoiding getting to that stage. But I also know that I need help. I need to find a therapist and I need to journal again, and I know I cannot manage this on my own anymore. There's too many variables that I won't go into for personal reasons that have brought me to this place.

I'm rambling. I don't even know wtf the purpose of this is anymore, tbh. I guess that chronic anxiety and depression can suck a lot sometimes. Not being able to get out of bed or struggling to, not being able to fall asleep and stay asleep for days and weeks on end, and not being able to leave the house...can be debilitating. So...idk...I won't post about this for a while.

Why?

My blog isn't centered on my mental health. I didn't create it with any centrally focused topic in mind. It's literally supposed to be as the description entails: reblogs and the very occasional personal post or life update. That's it. I already felt like I've divulged too much. I'm not looking for advice. I appreciate it all the same but I'm really not looking for it. I'm just tired...mentally and emotionally. I might need to go back on meds and that's fine. I'm at a time in my 10+ years of having mental illnesses in my life that I can wholly accept that. It's liberating to be at a point where I can admit that trying to go med-free worked for a bit and now... I've realized it's not anymore and that's okay. It doesn't make me weak. It doesn't make anyone weak.

And I just want to say that this applies to literally anyone else that's in the mental health community. If you need to go back on medications or decide to then it's YOUR decision. The same applies if you decide to stop, it is YOUR decision. There's nothing wrong with regression or relapse or whatever you want to label it as or term it. It's part of the process. Therapy has armed me with that and it's keeping my head above water right now. Years ago, I would have been in a way worse headspace at this junction than I am now, had it not been for group and individual counseling. But yes, for a while now I've realized I need medication again to help balance me out.

As for anyone wanting to quit medication? All I would say is to make sure you stop with the consent of your psychiatrist/doctor and to do it in steps. Titrate down. Don't stop cold turkey. Don't ever stop cold turkey. Psych meds can have lasting side effects that are both unpleasant and can be harmful and dangerous if you do.

Anyway, I'll lurk here and there. I will continue to post however infrequently. I will pop in every now and then. I'll reblog content I like or find interesting. I just don't think anything else needs to be said really. 2020 was shitty. The pandemic was horrid. 2021 was emotionally draining, at one time cathartic, angering, saddening, lonely, and incredibly difficult most days for a lot of personal reasons. But I'll get through this because I'm strong. And you will too. It will get better. 🥺🙏🏾

Xoxo

[thatnamelessbutler]

(OoC: So, what's the AU thing about?)

((ooc: Okay so basically I got an idea form a song completely unrelated to the fandom and long story short, Bi n Bu are no longer able to escape from the Egg except through a very specific method, and then Karl comes back along and bippity boppity your body is now our property!

So, yeah. Body-swap AU except Karl kinda dies because to get the swap to work everyone's body had to die. Karl's gets healed afterwards through magical time shenanigans-

So Billiam and Rune(Bu's new name in this AU) wake up in the library, in our current DSMP present, in the weird body of this weird guy who's apparently a weird color-shapeshifter.(yeah, i'm going with the cryptid creature Karl for this one because. it's cool as heck and I never see this anywhere)

a little while after they wake up in the present, karl wakes up after being dormant because he literally died and it's like "HEY WAIT WHAT THE HECK YOU STOLE MY BODY" and everyone else goes "shit shit shit shit"

p.s if you're wondering where hubert is he's dead. the egg killed nearly everyone except billiam and butler because bi is its main caretaker and bu will never leave his side

(more under the cut please there's so much and i actually love this au so much)

Now I'm not a system but I imagine these four(yes, four; Billiam, Rune, Piam(Billiam's Piglin side), and Tune(Bu's Other) operate kind of like one. They have an innerworld and everything, they aren't just all constantly crammed into the front. That would get confusing, stressful and difficult to manage overall. Bu's usually the one fronting because no one else wants to; Billiam doesn't wanna do it because he doesn't wanna mingle with the "poor", Tune doesn't wanna do it because it always gets tripped up with literally everything about the body, it's not even dangerous enough to protect now, and Piam doesn't wanna do it because he's kind of scared of the Overworld someone that doesn't know how to be a Human Person

Oh yeah and I've also talked about all this and more with my bestie so here's a copy-paste of that conversation-

I think an encounter with Sapnap and/or Quackity would go terribly too, until they sit down and explain things as best they can wait no actually "So basically, we killed your fiancée so we could inhabit his body and escape from a really bad situation. sorry" Acid Sapanap would go feral and I can't even begin to conceive what extremely destructive thoughts Quackoty would start having Me MHM Sapnap probably pulls a sword on them and they automatically reach for their own before remembering "Oh shit, we don't have it. OH SHIT-" and then they just gotta r u n Butler's trying desperately to teleport but without a pearl, eeeeeh that's not gonna do anything buddy I'm not sure if Karl has armor in his inventory or not but either way they wouldn't have the time or coordination to equip it Acid they just immediately die it'd be so funny Me "NOT AGAIN, WE JUST GOT FREE- death" Now lets hope either Karl has some extra canon lives, or those lives Billiam bought carry over Acid PFFFFT, BILLIAM'S LIVES GET CARRIED WITH THEM AND IT'S JUST revives ok listen we don't gotta dies revives please let's just dies revives why do you do t dies revives this is just gonna last forever isn't it? dies rev- Me wheeze YEAH "GET OUT OF KARL'S BODY!" "We can't!! It's already been done!! dies" "WHY WON'T YOU DIE!!?" "We are!!??" ohhh, bonus angst points if every time they die, Butler goes a little more dormant- Butler was only meant to have one life, he never got any Totems and his soul cannot take this in the way Billiam's can After about 15 deaths, Billiam gets Sapnap to stop for about five seconds, and in those five seconds he realizes that he can no longer hear or feel Butler Acid oh god Me If he manages to get far enough away and find someplace to hide(perhaps the library again), he dips into the headspace and finds Butler just gone. He looks around for a while and finds them far away from where they were, collapsed on the ground, flickering slightly, and entirely unresponsive. And no matter how much he tries, they just won't wake up, and their Ender half has disappeared completely. He can't do anything except wait for them. Acid fjsjdj oh my god imagine Billiam just goes feral after that he's like "what did you do to m y B u t l e r" and just jumps on Sapnap with his bare hands Me Oh absolutely, he will Murder Sapnap without a second thought and he doesn't care how many deaths he has to go through to do it even though dying more will make it take longer for butler to wake up, and then afterwards he'll be pacing around random areas stress-stimming intensely and waiting for his child to wake up Acid yeap Me Somehow he finds his way to Kinoko Kingdom and is like "oh, this looks like a good place for a walk" and then spends the entire time not actually looking at anything and drowned in anxiety

AND THEN THESE WERE LAST NIGHT'S THOUGHTS, SOMEHOW LATER ON THEY END UP AT SAPNAP'S PLACE CAUSE THEY TECHNICALLY DON'T HAVE A PLACE TO STAY Unless you count the library but I don't think that would be very comfortable-

Anyway, Rune was fronting when they fell asleep and then their chronic nightmares came back. Sapnap wakes up(or was he ever really sleeping?) to some almost animalistic gasping in the other room and runs in to find Karl Karl's body curled on the bed, barely humanoid and random flashes of color spiking over him in waves and clawlike hands digging into his head

So he tries to wake him up, and when he does Bu's first reaction is to scramble away in pure terror because he's not fully out of the nightmare yet, there are even tears running down his face that just get absorbed back into the mass of color. Sapnap tries to calm him down, and eventually succeeds enough to ask him what the hell happened, and who's fronting once he remembers that that is a thing-

Thing is, Bu's gone nonverbal, but hey at least Karl was some sort of shapeshifter so they can just shift blobs of color into the air to answer Sapnap's questions

He very quickly learns only to ask yes/no ones because he can't read Galactic which is the only thing Bu can respond in, but that whole night ends on a pretty good note :3

Acid IS KARL IN THE SYSTEM CANON? HE'D BE THE MAIN FRONTER IF IT IS I THINK Me After that nightmare Rune finds himself trusting Sapnap a little more but also not as able to front, he's just so tired of it. No one else wants to front, he always has to stay there and he never gets a break. At least before, Tune had control during the night and he got to rest some. Now his sleep schedule is just as abhorred as before and no one else even comes near the front. He tries as long as he can, for everyone else's sake, but after weeks of fronting alone he just can't anymore. So he finally leaves the front and just collapses face-first into idk a patch of grass in the innerworld or something, and he's so exhausted of being a person that he can't even think straight, He doesn't want consolation, he doesn't want promises, he doesn't even want cuddles he just wants someone else to take over for a bit. Me OOH MAYBE He wakes up and wanders around the innerworld figuring out what the heck is going on and wondering why he can't see the outside anymore and oh god is he dead, are they all dead maybe they're all dead and none of them know it, and then Rune comes out of front and practically begs to not have to be a person anymore, he tells Karl "please i just want a break, just go out there or get someone else to go out there for a while please" and, well, Karl takes a chance and goes out to front and holy shit is this the real world, holy shit are those his fiancées, holy s h i t Acid THAT'S THE BESR OUTCOME ACTUALLY Me YESSSSSSSSS MASQUERADE SYSTEM + KARL THE MAN HIMSELF JACOBS Acid YESSS Me Karl and Rune are now host and co-host, because. no one else wants to front Acid Karl tricking Billiam into fronting.mp4 Me GSHDFGBSGDHFBSF Rune and Karl lock him into front and Rune proceeds to lean against the nearest flat surface, slide down and then dissociate for the next couple/several hours Karl makes sure no one disturbs him, even if Tune and Piam are Very Worried about their exhausted Human hybrid Acid them taking care of Rune (affectionate)

Acid OK WAIT I WAS THINKING AND IN SYSTEMS PEOPLE USUALLY MANIFEST SO I WAS THINKING HOW THAT'D WORK IN THE MASQUERADE SYS AND I REALIZED THAT EVERYONE IN THERE IS TECHNICALLY DEAD IN A WAY WHAT IF THAT'S THIS AU'S LIMBO? ONE DAY WILBUR POPS UP AND COMMITS MULTIPLE CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY Me HOLY SHIT OH SHIT EVERYONE THAT PERMA-DIES JUST ENDS UP AS AN ALTER IN KARL'S WEIRD COLOR-SHAPESHIFTING BODY XDDD You can always tell who's fronting by the colors, as long as you actually know them enough to know their colors- Acid Wilbur: hello Quackity, I am BAC- Karl: oh my GOD Wilbur shut the FUCK UP we understand it you're gay now please get out of front I have a date in 10 minutes Acid OOOOO YES Me Like Rune is purple/pink(mainly pink) gray-red/dark purple/orange/green eyes(right/right/left/left, respectively), and then he has some other colors sifting through, like a dark indigo-blue and a yellow the color of Endstone Tune is all of that but some of it is darker(the pinks/purples and Endstone color), some of it's the same(the eyes, except they have a light pink shine over them) and some of it is inverted. Clouds will waft around the body when it's fronting and whenever you look through the clouds you'll see the colors inverted Billiam is solidly pale pink except for his eyes(maroon) and his hands and feet(gold, with veins streaking out and tapering off at about the elbow) Piam is a slightly redder pink, with spots of a Netherrack color here and there, and his gold is more orangey, like there's fire reflecting off of it karl is just. karl. Of course he's got the signature swirls in bright violent and teal but other than that he's just a smorgasbord of color, usually bright and neon. When he's near/thinking about Sapnap and/or Quackity, little hearts start popping off him

[unboundbnha]

hoooo my god. this is for ME

for me. for godzilla. :’) 

➤ rules; make headcanons of you and a character of your choice, be it sfw or nsfw.

Thank you so much for tagging me @spicyness​! I’m gonna SKAJHDSKJ. HHHHH. This is everything? Fuck I just want a purple boyfriend 😫 this will be about Shinsou because I like him a normal amount :-)

First off, I’m a pain in the ass. My sense of humor is wack (it’s basically just ‘annoy my friends and loved ones’), I’m always fricken TANKING The Mood (because it’s funny and I physically cannot resist making a Funny if the opportunity’s there), everything turns into a game unless you make me stop wink wonk. Shinsou seems like the type to snort in amusement and roll his eyes at my dumb antics, and I appreciate that! If I could make him legit laugh I’d die happy. (I am also emotionally savvy enough to know when to draw the line though, don’t worry. It’s just, man, my idea of fun is ‘LET’S ROAST ‘EM’)

I love cats. I’ll lose my whole mind over them. They NEED head kisses. Shinsou also likes cats. He also needs head kisses. That’s it, that’s the bullet point

Being open and honest and genuine is important to me. I believe most any relationship (friendship or otherwise) can work if you’re willing to communicate and empathize with the other person: I would 100% be willing to hear Shinsou’s shit, and he seems like he’d be a good listener too. I’m also good at logicking things through and he seems like he’d appreciate that. Likewise, he seems like he’d do the same for me, and as long as we stayed humble and weren’t looking to be offended (I don’t Do That -- he’s a Cancer -- love you, Cancers -- so it might take him a minute to get on the same page, but he’s emotionally smort and cares about me so I think he’d be willing to work at it) then we could help each other through emotionally hard stuff with hard truths. Plus, I’m a super honest person: if he was in a relationship with me he’d probably be pretty secure in knowing I wouldn’t hurt him on purpose. If past shit comes up with him, I’ll talk to him. Talking’s the good shit, y’all: utilize patience and empathy and you’ll be so well off!

I also battle, with a big fucking sword, a lot with mental health stuff (LMAOOOO WHO DON’T!!! YEET). I used to struggle with agoraphobia and still deal with anxiety and depression. On top of that, I have something like chronic fatigue -- I’ve been calling it chronic fatigue because I’m fucking tired, all the time. My top energy levels are like a 35% on a fantastic day. I really like the idea of this boye seeing me melting into a puddle, face down on the carpet, and bein like “how’s it going down there? you okay?” and the answer being obviously no, but him just like. Man I dunno. He seems like the kind of person who’s tired, but who can live with it. I can’t! When I’m tired, that’s it babes! I hit a 0% on my battery and I’ll collapse! So I just, hhhh. Don’t laugh, but I like to fantasize about him bundling me up and into bed. Thinkin’ about Birthday Snoot by my good friend @lord-explosion-baku​ and melting, okay?? OKAY???? I’m soft, the truth’s OUT, FUCK! I want to be taken care of like a sad but pampered cat.

(Please read Birthday Snoot I still cry over it)

Also I’m gross and struggle to shower often enough because it’s exhausting so bein given a gentle bath? oh MAN. Hands softly running through my stupid, terrible hair...asking me about my day and if anything happened that triggered me feeling this bad...just....the tenderness....the gentle affection.....being loved even when I’m at my lowest. Being cared for when I can’t do it myself. That’s a legit fantasy y’all. We out here!

I love to SNOOZE. I love being COZY. You bet your sweet bippy I’m gonna sprawl over a couch and take up the whole thing. Shinsou’d better be willing to snuggle the fuck up. I’ve got great squish which I personally feel like’s great for cuddling: I’m like warm taffy. How better to gently seep into every crevasse of your Favorite Person while enjoying a cozy cuddle?

Listen, everyone fucks hard with Shinsou calling his S/O ‘kitten’, and I agree (def have written leetle -- HOO -- leetle scenarios with that nickname because wow) but I get all wibbly with the idea of He calling me ‘Angel’. A joke at first because, like, guys, I’m really nice. (I know it sounds bad when people say they’re nice and LSDFLKJDF I AM, OKAY. I’ve worked on it. Cultivated the skill of kindness! Being kind isn’t easy, and sometimes you just wanna go apeshit, but I’ve worked hard to improve upon myself! Yeet!) But I also just really fucking love being annoying. I simply cannot resist the urge to sneak up behind someone and poke them in the ribs. I rib-poke while in the deep depths of making out too, I’ve tanked the mood a lot so picture my dumb ass Pink Panther’ing behind Shinsou, prepared to be Evil while he’s, idk, making breakfast or something, and before I can commit a Rib Crime he uses his hero training and fast reflexes and honed senses and all that good stuff to snatch my wrist and ask “what’re you up to, angel?” the answer is nothing, because he’s killed me by being sexy and fast and hero-y, and he’s probably actually killed me by startling me into collapsing like a fainting goat

He gets the deep stuff. Unfortunately for everyone and especially myself, I’m a Thinker with a capital T: it never fucking stops. I had an existential crisis for like three years in a row because of course, but I feel like he knows what it’s like to get lost in your head. Working each other out of panic attacks because holy jesus the universe sure is fucking huge huh? We’re not even a blip on the radar in the history of existence and we’re gonna be dead basically tomorrow aaaand that’s why we’d be good for each other, because I feel like we both have coping mechanisms that keep us from spiraling too bad, and we could share them with each other.

I also so fucking admire his drive, but it makes me angry that stupid fucking hero society would discriminate in the first place. 

Oh, yeah, that’s another good point: I’m hella mad about 98% of the time and I work hard to hide it! Because innocent people don’t deserve to get yelled at! I feel like Shinsou’s smart enough to sense when I’m about to pop and he can be like “heyyyyy...you wanna talk this out constructively instead of getting into a public brawl?” and I’ll be like “NO but I’ll do it for you because I love you” and then we get pizza.

Because I’m fine and balanced and stuff, I made a quirk for myself if I was in the BNHA-verse, and basically I can get stronger at the expense of higher thinking skills and will turn into a weapon of mass destruction against whatever I’m pointing at (ugh, that’s so sexy. Fuck I wanna be a big spooky buff as shit monster thing), friend or foe, so Shinsou and I would work well in tandem because if I got too rowdy he could use his quirk and get me to calm down! Keep me from accidentally doing a murder! Nice!

Okay this is nsfw so if you’re under 18 DON’T READ IT. I’LL CALL YOUR PARENTS. GET OFF MY BLOG. 

Relating to the point above, QUIRKPLAY. Mind control me into stuff I want to do but am too awkward to ask for, please and THANK you. Also, Shinsou’s a top. Gotta be, and thank god for it because I’m certainly not. I’m not happy about being a fucking bottom, because my first and most powerful personalty trait is ‘be as annoying as possible to the people you like; don’t let them tell you what to do.’ Can’t make it easy on myself, nope. Anyway, I want the appearance of being a top without the responsibility because damn, gotta be like, suave and shit. Gotta plan stuff. I don’t like that! I do that enough in real life and I don’t like it there, either! But whatever. I’m a brat and I feel betrayed by my coochie for it. But Shinsou’s a top and he’d tease me for being Fucking Terrible, and suddenly I wouldn’t be so mad at my coochie. She has her reasons.

I...like Shinsou for a lot of reasons, but a really big one, for sure, is that I feel like he can communicate about the important stuff. He likes to tease, but he knows when to be serious too. I’m really wack about being close and intimate with people and I have, hhh, special requirements to be able to sleep with them, and I feel like he’d both be able to respect AND honor that. Like, run through the rest of the BNHA boys with me here: would Bakugou be able to be completely cool, calm, and collected while still teasing, but knowing where to draw the line? Todoroki’s closer maybe, but he’s not as people-smart (which is also a big thing for me). Confidence (or at least the appearance of it when it’s important), respect, communication, listening and respecting what I ask for even if it seems wack -- Shinsou has that, and god is it attractive. 

Also, mind control. 

Also, his capture weapon. 

Also you know this motherfucker is kinky as shit. Thank the good lord.

Also, sexy-slow makeouts with his long, nimble hands running up my outer thighs to squeeze my waist -- teeth on neck, stolen gasps of breath -- 

\\\\\\

I feel bad because all of this, fuckin, WALL of text is pretty much ‘this is what purble boy can do for me’ and I don’t say a lot I’d do for him, but if I got someone like him I’d go to the end of the earth for them. I may be a perpetually-sleepy bitch, but one of my best -- and worst -- character traits is my unwavering loyalty. I’ll be 110% down to kick anyone’s ass who insults him: he can fight his own battles, but he shouldn’t have to over some dumbass with a big mouth and a little brain. Making him smile and laugh, oof, be still my beating heart. Words of encouragement when life gets too much. Genuine thanks for his help, whatever it may be. Hugs, because we’re both touch-starved as fuck and he deserves gentleness, dammit. He doesn’t seem like his love language is receiving gifts -- more like quality time and words of affirmation? Maybe physical touch? -- but I’d still get him little things that made me think of him, that could help him in his day to day life or maybe just bring a smile to his face. We could rescue each other at social conventions, have dates to the humane society and play with cats. Support each other through our depression days, prove that even having a brain that’s mean to you sometimes doesn’t make you unlovable. Man, idk. The whole thing’s soft and makes my heart go doki-doki. Hitoshi Shinsou is an extremely good person and god damn I’d want to show him I appreciated him and existing at the same time as him. He deserves love and kindness. He deserves someone to kiss every knuckle of his hand. He deserves hugs in the kitchen and blankets being pulled over his shoulders when he falls asleep at the desk. He deserves only good things, and I’d be honored to give them to him. 

HHHHH.

Okay! If you made it to the end of this, congratulations! You don’t actually get anything, but boy oh boy you have a lot of information about ME now! Aren’t you delighted? Heh. So! You tag people for this stuff, and I’m gonna tag @lord-explosion-baku​, @bnhascribbles​, @perpetual-bed-head​, @russianonion​, @weebsinstash​, and last but certainly not least, @usernamekate94​. Tell me about Monoma, Kate. Tell me.

[redrocx]

If it's ask game... 1-50.! Just because I don't want you to be bored! 🤣🥰

Oh wow, what a task 😆 I had lots of fun, thank you so much, sweetie 💕

1. First things first, did you have a good year? -- hmmm it's a good middle, I'd say. Lots of ups and downs but also made lots of progress health-wise.

2. How old did you turn this year? -- 24

3. Do you feel your age? -- lmao tbh I feel so damn old or more like tired of life lol (not in a suicidal way just generally tired haha)

4. Did your appearance change in anyway? -- cut my hair a few weeks ago, got new glasses

5. Post your favorite selfie. -- oh man I'm usually not comfortable posting selfies lol I won't do it for personal reasons, sorry 😬

6. If you traveled, where did you go? -- Paris and Vienna (both for concerts lol)

7. Which fashion trends did you love? -- I'm not much into fashion and don't keep up lol

8. Which fashion trends did you hate? -- same as 7

9. What was your favorite article of clothing this year? Post a pic if possible? -- hoodies, I've been wearing them whenever I can. Also a new pair of pants (too lazy to get up and take a pic though lol)

10. What song sums up this year for you? -- actually two songs, This Is Me from the Greatest Showman and The Very Last Time by Bullet For My Valentine

11. What album came out and has been on heavy rotation since then? -- Rammstein by Rammstein

12. What was your favorite movie of the year? -- Avengers Endgame *sobs heavily*

13. Did an actor/actress catch your attention for the first time this year? -- cant think of anyone in particular

14. Favorite new TV show? -- the Blacklist

15. Which new ship/fandom has taken over a lot of your time, attention, and tears? -- there's two ships lol one old (Soukoku) and one newish (Lawlu). Fandom-wise I've finally started watching Naruto, and then Rammstein (though I'm not particularly involved in the fandom)

16. What food did you try for the first time? -- persimmons (I don't like them lol)

17. Did you make any big permanent changes this year? -- well I finally started driving school lol if that counts

18. What was one nice thing you did for someone else? -- wrote a birthday oneshot for a friend

19. What was one nice thing you did for yourself? -- bought myself a Switch

20. Did you develop a new obsession? -- Rammstein

21. Did you vote? -- yes!

22. Did you move? -- sadly not yet

23. Did you get a job? -- old job but got a promotion!

24. Did you get a pet? -- nope, my birb's still good and healthy 💕

25. Do you regret not doing anything? -- not leaving the G****** fandom sooner

26. Do you regret doing something? -- no, I don't think so

27. Have you done anything that scared you? -- enrolled for driving school

28. Did anyone/thing make you so mad it stayed with you for days? -- G****** fandom again/asshole people on social media in general

29. Did you lose anyone close to you? -- no, only people I *thought* I was close to

30. Did you fall in love? -- with Rammstein and back with One Piece, yes. Romantically, no

31. Did you fall out of love? -- no

32. Did you start a new relationship? -- only friendships

33. Did you go through a break up? -- no

34. Did you have to cut ties to someone? -- lots of people

35. Who was important to you this year but wasn’t important last year? -- @takashima-hikari 😘😘😘 I do hope I can meet you someday 😭😭 and cry over One Piece and abs together

36. Who wasn’t as important to you this year as they were last year? -- some friend(s)

37. If you could have a do over on one thing you did, would you take it? -- idk hm depends on the thing

38. What was the best moment of the year for you? -- attending the lives of my two favorite bands & meeting some of my dearest friends for the first time

39. What was the worst? -- getting suicidal over shit that happened in a fucking fandom and shouldn't have affected me this bad to begin with

40. Did anything happen that you were sure would change you as a person but it really didn’t? -- can‘t think of anything 🤔

41. Did anything happen to you that you were sure wouldn’t change you as a person but it did? -- honestly I started to realize a lot of my past mistakes while being confronted with similar situations I put friends in in the past and I'm trying to make amends and become a better person

42. What are you most proud of accomplishing? -- conquering my chronic pain & finally leaving a fandom that was more toxic to my mental health than it was good

43. What have you learned about yourself this year that you didn’t know in the years prior? -- the way my body functions and gets affected by emotional & mental turmoil and how to cope in healthy ways

44. Did your opinion of anyone change for the better? -- my dad (not that I thought of him as bad before but he's being showing an increasing support which makes me happy)

45. Did your opinion of anyone change for worse? -- lots of people (again that shouldn't have mattered in the first place but I'm the problem as we all know)

46. If you make resolutions, did you complete them this year? -- I don't think I had any

47. If you make resolutions, what will your resolutions be for the coming year? -- to keep improving both my mental and physical health, and to be more vigorous in taking actions to improve my mental health especially in regards to social media

48. If you could go on an adventure during the remaining days of the year, where would you go and what would you do?  Who would you go this? -- I'm actually meeting up with my family on Christmas in Berlin, that's all the adventure I need and am looking for~

49. What do you wish for others for the coming year? -- that they go through the same self-reflective and enlightening journey that I have been going through this year, and that other people (especially friends & family) will have the strength to get the help & support they may need

50. What do you wish for yourself? -- to become a better person, and to grow even more; to be someone my friends & family can (continue to) be proud of

[v-irgogh]

definitely oversharing on main but today was a really difficult day

i had an appointment with my at-home gp for the first time in almost a year (i purposely haven’t gone to him about all the symptoms i’ve been having the last 6+ months (bc going to him is always a really invalidating and uncomfortable experience) and decided to go to a different doctor for that) bc i needed a cert for my time off work and it was more convenient to go to him than travel down the country to go to the other one. so i told him i needed a cert and naturally he asked what for so i told him i’d initially been given a day off work last week bc i had the flu but then i ended up in and out of hospitals for the following four days. and he asked why i’d been in hospital and wanted me to tell him about the symptoms i’ve been having that lead up to now and he just ?? dismissed every single last one of them and ?? i feel so fucking shitty lmao

i’ve had my other gp, a student doctor on placement at that gp’s office, and a doctor, a consultant, and multiple nurses from the hospital ask about my family’s history of MS and lupus and other chronic illnesses/autoimmune conditions, only to go to this GP and have him tell me that the heart palpitations, shortness of breath, weak + shaky limbs and the facial numbness that came on WHILE I WAS LYING IN BED DOING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING that led to me being taken to a&e was “obviously” just a panic attack, that all the relentless symptoms i’ve been dealing with for HALF A YEAR (possibly longer) are all just caused by anxiety, that i can’t have MS because my symptoms aren’t “presenting the right way” (they literally ? present differently in everyone that has MS ?? no 2 people experience it the same way is what i’ve been told ???) and that other doctors are only jumping to conclusions like that because they don’t know my history of anxiety

and i know there must be something wrong because it isn’t normal to feel this fatigued all the time it isn’t normal for my symptoms to be getting worse and for it to be continuously ruining my quality of life it isn’t normal that a year ago i could work 40-50 hours a week and be tired but overall okay when anything over a 20 hour week causes me to crash HARD and it doesn’t make sense for it to all be anxiety because i’m not really anxious or stressed about anything aside from the fact that my body keeps breaking down and i’m still so completely terrified that he’s right

he just made me sit there for 20 minutes so he could invalidate everything i’ve been going through this year and then sent me on my merry way with the name of someone on youtube who made a video about anxiety ??? i am distraught lmao truly the HSE’s finest

also for a man who’s been blaming any health issue i’ve ever gone to him with on anxiety for YEARS he has never once tried to refer me to someone who could actually help me manage my mental health better he’s just like “watch this YouTube man” “download headspace” “just stop thinking about stressful things !” so like idk guess i just have to stay like this or kill myself h a

[anotherfatgirl]

Hypothyroidism? I’m so confused.

This is a new path for me. I know a lot of people have been dealing with this for a lot longer than me. I know there’s some stigma and cliches for fat people to suggest this disorder. But there’s something going on with my body. My TSH is consistently “fine” but I am still constipated, losing hair, completely unable to lose weight (despite consistently and honestly eating/exercising for a calorie deficit), have shitty nails, totally fatigued, and fucking freezing. I’m not sure why when I present these symptoms (as a young woman) my doctor is willing to write them off because the blood work is fine. Like 🧐 okay it’s “fine” but I’M not fine.

I’ve been a little curious about hypothyroidism my whole life. A lot of the popularized symptoms spoke to me. But people said I was fine so I let it go. When my hair started falling out I wanted answers. I came across: anemia, hypothyroidism, protein deficiency, and mold allergy. I am ready willing and able to accept any and all of these. Then I went down the hypothyroidism rabbit hole a little. None of the diagnoses above more comprehensively fit my lived experience more than hypothyroidism. Frankly I was feeling really stunned.

I have chronic major depressive disorder and have been treated for it throughout my life.

I have had joint pain and locking limbs since I was a child, finally I was diagnosed with osteoarthritis at age 26 after and injury resulting from a fall when my knee locked up.

I have had gastrointestinal issues since I was a child, to the point that it was a low key joke in my family. As an adult I have self diagnosed with IBS(M) and eat accordingly.

The only time I have been a “normal weight” (and honestly my BMI was still ‘overweight’ but I looked normal, felt normal, and wore normal sized clothes) was when I was experiencing eating disorders. Including orthorexia and exercise bulimia. At one point I was so extreme that I was blacking out at the gym and still riding my bike home so I could net 1000-1200cal and then biking 80+ miles on the weekends. My spreadsheets were obsessive.

I have always been a sleeper. I sleep 9-12 hrs a day and have been known to sleep as much as 20hr. Yet I’m still tired. I just don’t tell anyone I’m tired... but it’s not a secret from my husband because mornings are fucking impossible for me.

So all this shit right? And I’m sure literally anyone can attest to a few of these. But it’s all that, and the hair, and the nails, and the dry skin, and the headaches, and time blindness, and brain fog, and the being cold.... and now maybe an iodine deficiency?

So the patch test. It’s one of the things I ran across in the self diagnosis world. (And really I’m not trying to self diagnose, I just want a good pile of comprehensive evidence to sit in my PCP’s lap so I can get some treatment—- whatever that may be). You draw a square on your body in iodine and wait. If you have normal levels of iodine the square should persist for over 24hours. If it vanishes before 18hrs it is a reason to investigate a deficiency. Mine was gone by about hour 6 (not totally accurate because I went to sleep).

(The photo reflects application/ 4.5hours/ next morning, 13 hours)** NOTE I am aware this type of home testing is inconclusive as it is not in a controlled environment and is additionally not the best method for testing in the first place, but it is a starting point.

What’s startling to me is my diet is really good. The recommend eggs, yogurt, shrimp, fish, prunes. I literally eat these things every goddamn day. I have a fish CSA for fucks sake. I know this test isn’t perfect but what worries me is: I have a known iron deficiency and shouldn’t (I eat plenty of iron rich foods and vitamin C) and now this when I get plenty of iodine. My body is very clearly not functioning correctly. I’m also a little startled but the list of foods for hypothyroidism: salmon, nori, Brazil nuts, & beets because I LOVE and constantly crave these foods. I’m not making it up. Bodies are weird man.

So why does a diagnosis matter? Well. I want to know what the fuck to do. So far in my life when I’ve tried to lose weight I’ve hammered the fuck out of it with a good diet and excessive exercise. But what if that’s hurting me? If I had a diagnosis I could know it’s not that I’m not “trying hard enough” and instead I could get some super actionable things. Until then I’m in a weird limbo. Should I give up running and do yoga instead? Idk. On the one hand running is heart healthy and a great work out while yoga is pretty low impact and might not be supportive of my weight loss goals. On the other hand running isn’t awesome for hypothyroidism and having a break can be restorative. And then it’s the same with the food. Do I continue to restrict to have a calorie deficit? Or do I risk regressing the little weight loss I have by upping my calories and supporting a hypothyroid body? And even more confusingly the coffee situation. Give up literally the only thing that gives me a bowel movement (I’ve tried diet and laxatives and stool softeners with no progress) to relax my adrenals?

I’m at a body size right now that I’m real uncomfortable and I’m really not willing to fool around with my health. I need to know how to proceed. I need to explore this avenue of diagnosis so I can know how to take care of myself. I need my doctor to take me seriously.

[thevoxybunch]

No hey don't stop there tell us why Ven has chronic fatigue. I'm all for this hc

wow? this ask made me believe in true love. but i dont have real reasons why, just headcanons. 

you see those eyelids? dark eyes. from insomnia

he’s always in a rush (like why he wanted he to end the dinner date early and get to the party quickly) because He Only Has So Many Spoons

wears heels…beauty is a sacrifice….

he’s very deadpan most of the time…who has the Energy to Emote? Not him….

started researching glorb technology to potentially cure his chronic fatigue…currently fink really benefits from it, she’s Strong

he wears a sweater because he gets cold easily like body temperature is not normal also he’s a snake man so he’s cold blooded anyway

venomous loves and hates showers. loves them because they make him relaxed. hates them because they make him relaxed and he will want to stay in bed all day

when he gets carried away on an experiment he will often strain himself to the point of being bed ridden so he asks fink to remind him to take breaks 

speaking of fink he will never deny her a piggyback ride..he doesn’t care about the consequences

venomous sighs and yawns 12345987486465456 times a day 

wears the same clothes three days in a row because he’s too tired to change

that’s why he has a beard, can’t shave, would rather look like a hermit if it were to come to that

professor “im tired of being tired” venomous

the only thing he eats is like small snacks he finds all over the place or take out because he is too exhausted to cook

“aren’t you tired venomous?” “thats my secret boxman,,,i’m always tired”

it doesnt matter how much venomous sleeps, he still wakes up tired

venomous gets really grumpy when he runs out of spoons….his room becomes a den of misery…he will Hiss At You

his handwriting starts out really neat then gets really ugly and garbled at this end because his hand gets tired quickly

he spaces out a lot, but on the outside it looks like he’s Concentrating Deeply

like everything he does in the day is carefully planned so that he can know how to manage his energy, thats why he tends to hate it when things don’t go as planned unless he’s being gay or something idk

anways thanks for saving my life

[punk-rock-pixie]

1-85

1. Are looks important in a relationship?

I mean, I won’t lie and say it gives some personal points, but like I won’t date you if you’re a douche, no matter if you look good or not. 

2. Are relationships ever worth it?

I mean, you don’t NEED to be in one, but it is nice to have someone care for you

3. Are you a virgin?

yup

4. Are you in a relationship?

I am yes

5. Are you in love?

I think?

6. Are you single this year?

Well for like the first month I was

7. Can you commit to one person?

Yeah. Even if I’m polyamorous, I won’t act on it if they’re not cool with it

8. Describe your crush

They love birds and also is a witch. We love a lotta the same stuff.

9. Describe your perfect mate

A storyteller, share at least a few interests. Someone I could talk non-stop to or just become a total tree stump. They understand to a good extent how I work and put the same effort in that I do. On the superficial side, I’m partial to the more butch/masc presenting people and possibly taller. 

That being said the person I am dating is actually a few inches shorter than me lmao

10. Do you believe in love at first sight?

Not really, but I feel like there can be a connection, but love takes time.

11. Do you ever want to get married?

I dunno. I haven’t given it much thought.

12. Do you forgive betrayal?

Depends on the extent????

13. Do you get jealous easily?

I’m kinda jealous, but idk

14. Do you have a crush on anyone?

I mean,,,,, yeah???

15. Do you have any piercings?

Just my ears

16. Do you have any tattoos?

Nope

17. Do you like kissing in public?

Only like small pecks. I’m not much on PDA more than like hugging or hand-holding

20. Do you shower every day?

every other day

21. Do you think someone has feelings for you?

I should hope they do????

22. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

Maybe

23. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?

I mean, duh?

24. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?

No

25. Do you want to be in a relationship this year?

I’m happy with it yeah.

26. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?

Yes

27. Has someone ever written a song or poem for you?

Not that I know of???

28. Have you ever been cheated on?

YUP. THEY MANAGED 5 PEOPLE IN THE ONE MONTH OF DATING

29. Have you ever cheated on someone?

No

30. Have you ever considered plastic surgery? If so, what would you change about your body?

I wanna make myself look more masc

31. Have you ever cried over a guy/girl?

Oh yeah. I’m not someone to cry a lot but like?? I’ve had my days

32. Have you ever experienced unrequited love?

mhm

33. Have you ever had sex with a man?

HHHH

34. Have you ever had sex with a woman?

BUDDY

35. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

Most people I’ve kissed are older than me

36. Have you ever liked one of your best friends?

Yup. Ended poorly

37. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?

Yup

38. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?

Yeah. 

39. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?

Yeah

40. Have you ever written a song or poem for someone?

No

41. Have you had sex so far this year?

Didn’t I say I was a virgin literally in the first few questions

42. How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander?

Depends on the mood I guess

43. How long was your longest relationship?

6 months and they left me for someone else

44. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had?

6???

45. How many people did you kiss in 2012/2013?

I didn’t have my first kiss until 2014

46. How many times did you have sex last year?

BOI

47. How old are you?

Old enough to have chronic back pain and complain about technology apparently.

48. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?

I mean I’m sad, but like…. I’m not gonna try to manipulate them?

49. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her?

They understand my emotions and are wildly compassionate. NOT TO MENTION HOW TALENTED THEY ARE AT MAKEUP AND UKULELE?

50. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?

Maybe, but I wouldn’t really let them back into my life?

51. Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for?

I don’t think I’d do EVERYTHING for someone, but there is someone I’d do a lot for. 

52. Is there anyone you’ve given up on? Why?

Some friends I dropped recently. We brought out the worst in one another, and I felt like it was time to leave and try to put more energy into other people. I don’t think the friendship was a waste of time at all. We just grew into very different people and did more fighting than being friends, and I wasn’t gonna stay in a friendship like that. 

53. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?

So far they haven’t voiced it so??? I don’t think so?

54. Is there someone you will never forget?

Absolutely

55. Share a relationship story.

We were in a long distance thing a few years back. We started off as friends and I realized I had feelings, but we waited until the con we met at to make things official. As I was leaving he asked if he could write something about me and he wrote a full 8 pages. Additionally, at our next con, I was super sick (we didn’t know until later I had mono) and almost fainted. He stayed with me the whole time, and, even though I told him it was possible I had mono, he risked it and still kissed me. 

I don’t blame him for not having feelings for me after that. I think we rushed in and were caught up in the obsession, which lasts about 4 months. I was sure of my emotions, and he wasn’t. It’s ok. We knew what we were getting ourselves into to an extent. We’re still distant friends, I think? No hard feelings.

56. State 8 facts about your body

1. I hate it

2. It manages to put away food like it is no one’s business

3. I can wiggle my ears

4. I am very lactose intolerant and get bad stomach aches, but don’t care

5. I can crack my wrist on command

6. Somehow I can get 3 hours of sleep and still function

7. He a tired man

8. My hair and nails grow fucking fast

57. Things you want to say to an ex

Wherever you are, hope you’re doin okay. Sorry things didn’t work out

58. What are five ways to win your heart?

1. Common grounds of interests/morals

2. Be ok with my mood swings and fickleness when it comes to affection

3. Being a storyteller. I love creativity so much?

4. Passion. Someone who is passionate about something (IE hobbies, special interests, etc) is just??? really attractive????

5. I have a thing for people taller than me? Idk

59. What do you look like? (Post a picture!)

Check my “pixie pics” tag (and maybe like or reblog lmaooo)

60. What is the biggest age difference between you and any of your partners?

a year and a half???

61. What is the first thing you notice in someone?

Usually eyes and their hair

62. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you?

Being creative and make a project like inspired by me I guess? Idk. Do something unusual. Of course, I am all for cliche, but like being unusual is really cool.

63. What is your definition of “having sex”?

Consensual stimulation of sex organs? Idk

64. What is your definition of cheating?

Being with someone without you’re partner’s/partners’ knowledge and consent

65. What is your favourite foreplay routine?

WHat?

66. What is your favourite roleplay?

Fuckin long-ass paragraphs STORYTELLING

67. What is your idea of the perfect date?

Like I said, I love the cliche. Take me to a museum or the park, but even like staying home (If we’ve been seeing one another for a while) and hanging out is cool too. If it’s a first date, something where we can get to talk and know one another

68. What is your sexual orientation?

Probably on the ace spectrum. As for romantic pref?? FLUID AS FUUUUCK

69. What turns you off?

Being rude???

70. What turns you on?

CREATIVITY MAN. IT IS GREAT

71. What was your kinkiest wet dream?

Fuckin???? I don’t remember my dreams sometimes. Most of them are pretty tame

72. What words do you like to hear during sex?

BUDDY NEVER HAD SEX

73. What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you?

Writing a poem or song is super cute??? Or like when I’m feeling as depressed as I am now, just showing up to my house and kidnapping me for a bit for like a trip to the beach? (Shoutout to my friend Cici who has been a big help all weekend and did just that today??)

74. What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for?

Being taller than me and also eye color/hair idk. 

75. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you?

Refer to 73 where my friend Cici came to my house today WITH ROSES AND FOOD and drove me to the beach and treated me to a few hours of escapism and dinner. She’s a real one. She as well as my sister and my s/o have been helping me through this terrible month. 

76. What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone?

I stayed up all night with someone to help them through a tough time

77. What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships?

If you’re under 18 be careful. If you’re over 18 as two consenting adults, you’re pretty much fine. If you’re a pedophile, fuck right off, mate.

78. What’s your dirtiest secret?

I think I literally ate dirt as a child???

79. When was the last time you felt jealous? Why?

A lotta my friends are getting signed on for top surgery and possible HRT, and like, I am very happy for them, and also I feel like garbage because this is something I’ve wanted for YEARS

80. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?

I told my sister today

81. Who are five people you find attractive?

Pj Liguori, Ethan Nestor, Chris Evans, Hugh Jackman, and Amy Nelson

82. Who is the last person you hugged?

My sister

83. Who was your first kiss with?

Someone I was friends with a while ago at my first Fanime. My first real kiss was with my ex girlfriend

84. Why did your last relationship fail?

He sexually harassed his other boyfriend (I was friends with this other guy and we almost saw one another after we broke up with our ex fun fact)

85. Would you ever date someone off of the Internet?

Yeah probably

[hitsugikuro-blog]

tagged~

From @thedarkestcrow , thank you for tagging me!

1. How has your opinion of yourself changed over the years?

I’m definitely more confident and easygoing than I was as a teenager/young adult.  I was an only child and had a period of severe self-esteem issues brought on by bullying that took me a long time to overcome.  But I got help, worked through my issues and am now relatively healthy!  Or as healthy as a huge geek can be I guess.  xD

2. If you had to pick one book to read for the rest of your life, which book would you pick?

JUST ONE??? What kind of sadistic question is this?  

If it isn’t cheating, I’d opt for The Lord of the Rings trilogy because I’ll probably never get tired of reading them.  If not... whatever.  NEXT QUESTION?

3. What’s your favorite season? Do you have a particular reason for liking it?

I love Fall/Autumn because of the warm colors and the relief that comes from summer turning to cooler weather.  There’s just something about the season that’s magical and makes me want to drink cocoa and cider and go for long walks.  Plus it has Halloween, which is the best holiday. :)

4. What’s your favorite thing to do when you want to relax?

Put on a calm playlist and play a game.  I’m a big fan of collection or repetition games where I don’t have to engage my brain too much but I still feel like I’m doing something.  I’ve never been the type of person who can just like... draw a bath and soak for a while.  I get bored too easily and then I’m not relaxed anymore.  ^^;

5. Do you consider yourself lazy?

Eeeeh, it depends on the day?  I’m pretty self-motivated but sometimes I just say screw it and let things slide until I decide to pick them up again.  There’ve definitely been days where I’ve skipped doing laundry or cooked for myself when I really should have.  And I’ve procrastinated on projects and papers before.  But it’s not something I chronically do.

6. What’s your view on morality?

Everyone’s morality is different but there are some universal truths to it.  My personal view is that everything is fine as long as it isn’t actively causing trauma to yourself or someone else, whether it’s physical, mental or emotional.  This might seem like a very relaxed stance on morality but eh, I think people jumping down one another’s throats and arguing over minor details that really don’t matter in the long run is more harmful than not.  You might disagree with someone and judge them for it, but you probably do things they judge you for too so  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

7. When are you most productive?


Afternoons, evenings and nights.  I’m not a morning person and it takes me about two hours and a couple cups of coffee or tea to wake me up every day lol.

8. Do you have any strong opinions about things most people don’t think much about?

Just fandom things, probably?  Everyone’s entitled to their own opinions though, so idk if I’d call mine ‘strong’. 

9. How do you handle stress?

Usually by throwing myself into something that will distract me from the stress, whether it’s music or a good book or a good meditation session or whatever I’m feeling like.  If none of that’s available I do my best to remove myself from whatever’s causing the stress and allow myself to come down from it.  I don’t get extremely stressed very often though, luckily enough.

10. What would your ideal world be like?

I’m gonna have to go with the typical response of a kinder, gentler world than we live in now.  If everyone had more compassion for one another and squabbled less over petty differences it would be so much better.  Also just less greed and power lust in general.  People could still have their differences and their unique identities, but I dunno... I just feel like if more people realized that they could be happier by not being quite so selfish, it would do a lot of good.

Extra Questions:

1.) What’s one story that you want to write/create but won’t (or haven’t yet)?

I’ve started writing like 10 different books before but never got that far with them.  I’m better at coming up with ideas and bouncing them off of other people than sitting down and writing out an entire work from scratch.

2.) What’s an interesting moment of self-discovery in your life?

When I realized that happiness is attainable when you’re doing something positive with your life, even if it’s something small.  Greatness and renown aren't as important as touching the lives of the people around you; friends, family and strangers alike.  

3.) Dream job? 


Forensic Anthropologist, hands down.   I majored in physical anthropology and took a heavy load of science courses and I loved it.  One of my professors was really into criminology as well and gave us really interesting lab work related to forensics.  Plus, it’s usually benefitting the families of missing persons.  If I ever go back to Uni for a Masters degree I think that’s what I’m going to aim for.

4.) What’s a book/movie/show that has had a large influence on you?

Oh man, I dunno if I can just pick one.  This probably won’t come as a surprise after that last question but I was an avid reader of Sherlock Holmes and other detective novels as a kid.   My parents and grandparents let me read anything as long as it was classic literature, so I read all of the Sherlock stories when I was 8 - 10.  As far as movies go, I also loved the Indiana Jones series and it got me really into studying history and different cultures.  And I guess anime and manga, in general, has influenced me a lot and helped cement that desire to travel and learn another language.  

5.) Has music ever changed your life, or at least your outlook on life?

Yes, definitely!  Some songs have always stuck with me and I still find songs with lyrics that impact me in some way.  Music is a powerful way to convey messages (haha, Blue Sect Arc got it 100% right) and invoke emotion in people. 

6.) Imagine you’ve become an established author/artist/creator. What would you want the fandom for your works to be like?

I would want them to be chill and nonargumentative with one another, but I know that’s only like a .0001% probability.   Maybe if I had a fandom of like 5 people it’d be okay.

7.) Same scenario as #6. What would the fandom actually be like?

Probably like every other fandom out there.  Mostly casual consumers but a good chunk that’s very invested.  A smaller chunk of those would be the ones that rock the boat and make everyone unhappy.  

8.) What’s a subject that you think should be taught in schools but typically isn’t taught at all?

It might sound odd, but responsible money management and how to save for retirement.  Responsibly managing my money was one of the biggest issues I had to overcome when I went to University and was living on my own, and it was the same for quite a few of my friends.  I think the spending lifestyle in America is mostly to blame for this, and businesses want to make as much money as they can off of the public so I doubt a class like that will ever be implemented.  But it would be nice if we taught kids and teens how to live comfortably without being so materialistic.  I think things are slowly changing on their own though, and the youngest generations are realizing this (see: all the whining about Millenials ‘killing’ everything lol).

9.) What’s a subject that you think should be taught differently in schools from how it usually is?

Difficult to say!  I don’t know how schools in other states handle all of their subjects, but the ones I went to had a few issues.  I think math and algebra are in the one area that’s most often complained about.  In my experience, I either had an excellent teacher or an amazingly awful one with no exceptions.   Which is a shame because algebra can be interesting and fun if the teacher enjoys the subject and has good lesson plans.

10.) Are there any patterns in your interests/works that wouldn’t be immediately obvious to an outside observer?

I really don’t look like the type of person who’d be into the things I’m into, I suppose?  I’m just your average, small person who dresses in T-shirts, jeans, and trainers with earbuds in. ^^;;

And that’s it!  Tagging  @lapyn @beautifulbloomingblossoms @trollintrancy @justanotherfandomjunkie along with anyone else who’d like to answer it.