#idk its 6am so

[applepie-enthusiast]

Imagine an AU where Sabito suddenly wakes up , he notices his body has grown as if he had been alive since the Final Selection (21) and finds Urokodaki (ouch, please imagine Urokodaki having doubts and even testing that Sabito is not a shapeshifting demon, but when he confirms for real that IT IS Sabito, Urokodaki hugs him and cries, his other adoptive son is back.) and soon, Sabito learns that Giyuu is now the Water Pillar.

To say Giyuu is beyond shocked, him standing frozen as Sabito smiles at him and calls at him,

"Giyuu..."

Oh god, Giyuu missed his voice so much, but this can't be. Sabito seemed like he aged with him as well.

Sabito was dead.

Whatever demon plays this game is just tricking him, this is a cruel trick. Giyuu had learned from Tanjirou about that demon who gave dreams that victims wanted to see.

Except Giyuu is very much awake, and this is daytime.

There is no way that this is a Blood Demon Art.

"I know it's hard to believe, and you might never accept that is all happening, but I just want to say I'm proud of you." Sabito kept that fond look on his face, and finally, Sabito smiles at him gently.

Oh, how Giyuu's heart skipped a beat as he felt so many emotions all at once.

"I'm sorry for dying that time, and for not being able to say goodbye to you. But I'm back, Giyuu. I'm home."

It took a lot from Giyuu to not react and turn his back away, this is no way happening.

Tanjirou was also shocked to see Sabito but is otherwise overjoyed. It was not until Giyuu received a letter from Urokodaki that it is indeed Sabito, that Giyuu finally faced Sabito himself, and Giyuu hugged him tightly, and cried.

It was a silent cry, but his tears never stopped as he hugged Sabito tighter and tighter, as if letting go would equate to losing him the second time.

They reconnect, and Sabito caught up to everything. He even met the other Pillars and Oyakata-sama, suffice to say it took a lot of convincing from the Pillars to believe Sabito's existence.

However, Giyuu visibly changed bit by bit. He is still a tiny bit distant but is slowly opening up to others in general.

Sabito trained more and more with Giyuu, and after quite a time, he was also promoted as a Water Pillar.

While Giyuu was out, with Sabito walking outside, he met Sanemi, who walked up to him.

"Hey, are you for real?"

"What?" Sabito replies, and he observed how Sanemi was weirdly calmer than usual yet carried a certain air towards him at the moment.

"How long will you be here?"

"Pardon?" Sabito was starting to realize Sanemi didn't come here for a friendly chat.

"If you're just going to disappear again—"

Sabito cuts him off, "Our jobs are risky, but that doesn't mean I won't fight to stay alive."

Sanemi replied that he was starting to lose his temper. "You know that's not what I mean. Tomioka—"

Sabito winced, "What about Giyuu? What do you want?"

"First name basis?"

"Yeah, we're childhood friends, for now."

"If you really care about him, don't fuck around and—"

"Listen," Sabito paused, his tone just as threatening. "Whatever Giyuu and I have is none of your business."

[wasyago]

so, would you?

nothing important under the cut, you don't need to look haha

[tobisiksi]

tw: suicide mention-emotional maipulation

I refuse to believe that kusuo never tried to lose on purpose in one of kusukes games

a lot of people say that he probably was too egocentric to lose but man, ku gives up on things without thinking twice just for the sake of the others

just like when he gave up on satou when he and hii got together (the only example I can come with rn but there is a lot more)

and don't get me wrong, kusuo IS egocentric, but he knows where to trace a line he has a moral code and the principal rule is "don't be an inconvenience to the others"

so there is no way he didn't tried before

kusuke saw through his facade?

kusuke is insane and a masoquist and he has some suicidal behaviour aaand

I can see him telling kusuo to never try to fake a lost again or else he will off himself

idk he just yk, he's emotionally abusive and he's too obsessed with the idea of kusuo and him playing deathly games

TOO obsessed

he even took himself as hostage and he also kidnapped and brainwashed one of his brothers friends

he would say something like that

but I also believe that he wasn't aware of the heigh of those words

(I believe that he isn't aware of the heigh of all his actions, he just have a really twisted view of what is wrong and right)

I see this kind of scenario happening when they were young, when kusuo stopped copying his older brother (the motorcycle, the little cardboard robot, rock papper scissors, guys he was copying his older brother cuz he thought he was cool) and started to feel some resentment or even pity towards him

kusuke wouldn't take pityness very well, resentment? dont care, being hated? kay whatever but feeling any form of empathy or pity?????

it makes him sick

so he would say something like that but the thing is that he sees his brother as a God who is superior to every other living being

so he thinks that it isn't a big deal because his God had more important things to take care of

wrooooong, your God it's your baby bro who is just a child who used to admire you a lot before you started to get more and more insane progressively and the thing you just said it's fucking up his head because the love and hate he has for you were the strongest feelings his baby brain could feel and now he cannot come up with a way to make you stop envying or feeling resentful cuz of his powers (that he did not choose to born with in the first place) without making you have a meltdown that will end up with you killing yourself

[cheaptaxidermy]

new yt upload :D

[eggbertith]

i woke up with an idea

[seraphiism]

𓆩 ღ 𓆪 𝐩𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐚𝐬𝐢𝐚

( i hope your dream won't just be left as a dream. )

chara : alhaitham fandom : genshin impact quote cr : agust d a/n : i must be honest . i have no idea what i wrote (ﾉ `Д`) ﾉ. focuses on alhaitham's past, might be ooc

prologue : ( the absence ) of dreams.

there is a place where knowledge survives in the depths of the world, its roots far and wide : agile, ubiquitous, resilient. how it fosters progressive growth and brilliant minds, sets the driving force for discovery and beyond.

there is a place where knowledge remains stagnant in the depths of the world, its roots damaged and decomposed : devitalized. dying. dead. how it fosters an insatiability and never ending greed, sets the expectations for discovery to come and go with such ease.

in this place, dreams are stolen away, only witnessed by youth. because there is always something to be learned in these visions, they'll say, because they'll stretch the truth, make something out of nothing ; they'll find a way to justify the theft of one's mind and soul and spirit intertwined in the manifestation of reverie, and you would have never known.

in this place, a scribe thrives, mind sharp and knowledgeable. in this place, a loneliness grows up and distances himself from the rest, finds that solitude has always been a friend first and foremost.

in this place, the foundation of wisdom and greater things-- home, alhaitham learns to dream again.

prologue , revisited : ( the absence ) of dreams , the absence of what could have been.

alhaitham remembers little of his childhood ; ask him of his origins and he will remember seldom through first-hand experience. they won't question it, not too much-- because oh, well-- it's hard to remember those things when you're so young, and they'll leave it at that because that's normal, isn't it? to be forgetful of a time where you knew so little, knew only how to rely on others and how to breathe and live and survive through the hand that feeds.

they'll leave it at that, but even if they didn't, he doesn't think he would mind. perhaps there is a distant sadness that survives in the crevices of the heart, never learning to fade in years past, and maybe that's just part of the human equation. he doesn't think about it much. no need to, after all.

yes, they'll leave it at that, blame the lack of memories in youth from age. they won't know that he lost his parents too early, lost something he never quite had, because can you really say you had something when it slipped out of your grasp so quickly and so soon? alhaitham finds some semblance of logic in that, but maybe that's selfish. of course he had his parents. he is sure that he loved them and he is sure that they loved him. maybe it is easier to cope somehow with these thoughts, even if there may be some cruelty in it.

perhaps he does miss his parents, after all, even if he understands that sometimes, it is hard to miss what you never had.

chapter one : the first dream.

it's an ordinary sunday and the room is white. look out the window and there's sunlight to be found, and what a beautiful sight it is, but what a frightening realization it is : it reaches and reaches, begging, but it never reaches the room, obstructed by the glass.

alhaitham doesn't know what it means. he doesn't know how he remembers that it's sunday, doesn't know why this place is familiar. it's cold. he doesn't think he's afraid, but this feeling that creeps up his spine deems an unrest, but he'll call it uncertainty, because there's always an explanation for everything, but even he cannot find the answers to what lies before him.

it is a vast space, endless, but he continues anyway. the path is tiresome, progress indistinguishable in the white. the sunlight stays, too. there is something to be found here. liminal space or not, he continues forth. the unrest brews. something in him trembles, but he walks, anyway.

endless. unforgiving. endless. unfamiliar. an undesired forever, the tiring of self, the burning in one's limbs, the extinction of energy, then --

a faint orange and yellow. alhaitham glances at the windows now, finds that the sunlight has found its way to the place where it belongs. he walks again. the orange and yellow hues grow with each step ; the cold slowly dissipates, and in his trek, it is almost like he is unearthing a life. he doesn't run, no, but part of him wants to, because there is something to be found here, but he doesn't. not yet.

the colors flood in. the white becomes something unforgotten, summons everything else in its absence. there is something that lies at the end -- he can see it -- it is something so terribly familiar but not known, so he runs and he runs and he runs until he becomes of close proximity, then he stops.

there is something to be found : a memory, a happiness, a sorrow.

it is almost a vision of some sort-- a strange sight, the image of himself. he doesn't move, frozen in place. he wonders what sort of expression he wields.

because before him, there is a happy family. a mother and father, one with the same shade of gray hair, another with the same shade of green eyes. it's a tranquil scene, and he cannot make out what is being said, but there are smiles on their faces as they look down at the child the mother holds.

he swallows hard. he does not know what to make of this. he takes a deep breath, shuts his eyes, almost smiles at the sound of distant laughter, and wonders if this is a dream. if it is, then this is not reality -- so he can find distance from this, somehow, and release himself from the fear and confusion of the unknown.

yes, perhaps this is a dream. maybe this is a memory of when his parents first brought him home.

his eyes feel heavy. he opens them anyway, witnesses the blooming of a newfound love and joy. he smiles a bittersweet smile and wonders if he will remember this when he wakes.

chapter one , aftermath : the first dream.

alhaitham wakes with a racing heart. he blinks, stares absentmindedly at the ceiling. he remembers bits and pieces of something; it lingers on the tip of his tongue, threatens to be forgotten. he should remember. he knows it was something very dear to him.

his heart slows eventually. he doesn't move. he has to remember, but the pillow under his head and the warmth of your body slowly lull him back to slumber, threaten to bring him under and free him of a lost memory on the verge of discovery.

"that's not sleeping."

he snaps from his train of thought at your mumbling. you don't think much of it at first; alhaitham is such a light sleeper that the smallest movement would wake him, but there is something different about his countenance that piques your curiosity.

"you okay?"

he looks at you, almost uncertain-- an expression you rarely see from your lover, but he nods before his gaze returns to the ceiling. he looks more perplexed than anything, deep in thought, and you almost want to press the issue, but you don't.

"i dreamt."

the knowing of dreams is no longer a shocking revelation nowadays, but even so, the restoration of them is a celebration. you do not remember yours too often, but when you do, you write them down, knowing that the recovery of such a vision should be cherished. you wonder if this is the first time he remembers his.

you wonder if it was peaceful. you wonder what it is that brings him uncertainty : the dream itself, or the ability to dream once again.

"was it a good one?" your voice is quiet. careful.

silence. the wind is a gentle breeze outside, barely heard. alhaitham inhales deeply, turns on his side to face you. it's almost instinct that your hands meet, palm against palm, and he smiles gently when he compares his hands to yours.

"it was." he laces his fingers with yours. "i dreamt of my parents."

even in the moonlit darkness, you feel the kindness in his gaze. you squeeze his hand, feel that lump in your throat when you remember his past hardships.

"i'm glad." your lips brush against his knuckles, grateful. "i hope you dream of them again."

chapter two : the second dream.

it's an ordinary sunday and the room is already filled with sunlight. alhaitham recognizes this, surrounded by rays of tenderness and warmth, and knows this to be yet another dream. he wonders if it will be different than before. he is reminded of that endless loop of dreams, understands them to be both wanted and unwanted, but he recalls the first dream, knows that to relive such a sight would be most welcome.

he walks. the path is vast once again, but there is hope in his stride. this time, there is a familiar shade of green and white that fills his vision. distant figures. he walks, anyway.

before him there are two people. one wields that same shade of gray, but this time, it is through age, and the other--

alhaitham suddenly feels an ache. the other is a young child. the other is him, an orphan, an outcast. he sits next to his grandmother, bright curiosity and intrigue in his eyes as she reads to him. a day like any other, he remembers, but special, nonetheless.

he smiles a bittersweet smile. dreams are not always beautiful, and even if this one hurts, it still is.

he swallows hard, takes a deep breath, closes his eyes. somewhere in the distance, he hears his grandmother's laughter when his younger self asks for yet another story.

one more, she'll say, he imagines, and she does.

he smiles a bittersweet smile. something aches so terribly.

he should wake soon.

chapter two , aftermath : the second dream.

"alhaitham?"

alhaitham wakes with a racing heart. there is something wrong-- there must be with the way you look at him, eyes wide and filled with worry. your fingers linger on his wrist, frantic pulse known by your touch. he doesn't quite understand, slumber weakly holding onto consciousness, and it is only when he feels something trail down his face that he truly wakes.

rare is it that he sheds tears. in truth, he remembers the last time he cried, dressed in all black, vision blurred. a burial site. words of comfort unheard, muffled. forgotten.

how many apologies did he hear until they meant nothing?

"love--" you grab his wrist, gentle, slowly ease him back to the present. "are you--" you pause, take a deep breath, ease the tension from your shoulders. there are only so many times you can ask someone if they're okay, so you don't. another deep breath. "i'm here with you."

you have never seen alhaitham in such a state, never seen him cry. although he may not actively be distressed, the baffled countenance he fails to keep at bay says more than enough. with a soothing touch, you wipe the tears away, notice how quick they are to stop. alhaitham doesn't say much, tells you that he's alright, thanks you for your comfort.

you don't ask what he dreamt of, but there is something very lonely in the way he holds you that night.

he is afraid to fall asleep. he does not know if he desires yet another memory in slumber.

what a very selfish thought to have. he is sorry.

chapter three : the third dream.

it's a special sunday and the room is white, but already is it filled with warmth and daylight. he recognizes this place, knows it to be one of many celebrations. there is no journey, no endless trek. he is right where he needs to be. the scene is different this time. he is not a spectator ; instead, he is here, now, in this moment.

around him, there is endless chatter. he imagines he would enjoy the quiet more, but this time is different -- it almost brings relief to his heart, brings a lightness to it. around him are familiar companions-- a certain forest ranger, a known eremite-- ah, there's kaveh, crying and mumbling a thousand congratulations that aren't quite coherent.

and right before him, there is you ; your hands in his, both adorned with silver bands. you look beautiful, is his first thought, and he wonders if he said it out loud, given the way you smile so brightly at him.

this is a dream. it is a beautiful one, and it is one that he hopes will come true one day.

alhaitham smiles back, kisses you with all the love in the world.

he will wake up soon. he wishes he could hold onto this dream for a little bit longer, but that's okay, because when he wakes, you'll be at his side.

chapter three , aftermath : the third dream.

"i dreamt of you."

your normal routine goes this way : annoying alarm, the impending doom of the workday, and the useless means of avoidance by burying yourself deeper into the sheets until alhaitham drags you out of bed. sometimes he kisses your head in a silent greeting, sometimes he wishes you a good morning.

this, you think, is very much new, and probably the fastest way he's ever woken you up.

"oh." you stare at the ceiling before you roll over and look at him. "good morning to you, too."

worry is your first instinct-- given the nature of his previous dreams, you do not know what to expect. the visions the dreamscape blesses him with are both nostalgic and gut-wrenching, sorrow laced with catharsis.

"good morning." like clockwork, he raises his hand, lips curling faintly when you press yours against his.

"gonna share with the class?"

"the class should practice patience." he chuckles at your mildly annoyed expression, wonders how you will react to his thoughts. "i dreamt that we got married."

you freeze at those words, eyes wide, brows knit ever so slightly as you try to comprehend the words. he says it so casually, the topic of marriage. dream or not, the mere thought of a future together for the rest of your lives brings a sense of serenity, though your expression doesn't quite reflect it at the moment.

alhaitham finds it endearing.

"i would like to remember that dream for a long time."

you shake yourself out of stupor, ignore the way your face practically feels like it's the sun itself.

"tell me more about it."

"kaveh was crying."

"okay, and?"

he hums, thoughtful.

"you looked beautiful."

"oh? sounds like a good dream."

your response is nonchalant, though it is betrayed by the blithe smile that graces your lips at the thought of what that day would be like. alhaitham's gaze is filled with an incredible fondness as he looks at you, wonders when that day will come.

"yes, it was. i'd like to make it real."

oh. you wonder how he can manage to say such a thing so casually-- one would almost think he was discussing the weather. you blink, speechless. you almost want to ask if he's joking , though you know he's entirely serious when he says that, but still--

"okay." there is no hesitation in your words. "i'll marry you, alhaitham."

he almost seems surprised himself-- a spark of shock that quickly dies down into mild relief buried in amusement.

"that isn't my official proposal."

you lace your fingers together, press a kiss against his knuckles.

"i know." your words are barely above a whisper now, almost sacred, but he hears them loud and clear. "but whenever or however you do it, i'll say yes, you know."

of course he knows. always has. he squeezes your hand before pulling you closer, lips meeting in quiet euphoria and promise.

somewhere, there is a place where dreams are deemed part of one's soul once more, unraveling and uncovering the most vulnerable parts of the spirit. in this place, alhaitham dreams once more, memories revived and revisited.

in this place, alhaitham dreams of a happily ever after with you, and someday, you will relive that dream together, and it will be wonderful.

[quillisadoll]

I can't sleep again 💀

SO imma be talking about / reviving this really old idea I had back in like 5/6th grade (I feel so old saying that)

My idea is that what would happen if one of the twins died like in a car crash or something like that.

For example let's say hikaru died in this tragic accident .

How would Karou respond to that??? How would the other host members respond to that???

Because like their whole thing (up to their character ark) is being basically the same person SO if we remove one half of the person how would the other half react

My current thoughts is that Karou wouldn't even bear to look at himself or leave his bed like at all and the hosts would be concerned and stuff yadda yadda but the real kicker is that people STILL CALLS HIM HIKARU SOMETIMES and that causes him to spiral.

But anyways that was my little au idea thing :3 feel free to add onto it lol

(go look at my tags I'm silly in the tags)

[mysicklove]

i work at 6 am sunday-friday. i am not a morning person. somebody save me

[coeluvr]

Bestie what are these anons even on abt 😭😭😭 Luceris is right there???? He was a man in power last I checked

Please they probably think since I made Luceris flawed as hell I hate men and wanted to show how terrible they are 💀

Let's ignore the fact I give him too much screen time because he's my favorite lmfao

[opens-up-4-nobody]

Ich verstehe seine Haare nicht

[little-moss-garden]

okay, its 5am but I've just finished Angels Before Man and I want to give my honest opinion on it as both a reader and a writer. I might do a more in-depth analysis later on if I have the motivation. but for now, I just want to do a basic overview.

the first half was absolutely gorgeous. I appreciated how we slowly saw lucifer start to fall, and I really enjoyed the impending doom the loomed over me every time lucifer had an interaction with god. the detail, the emotion, it was all gorgeous.

and while the second half was amazing too, it felt confusing. things felt rushed, but I chose to believe it was god fucking with lucifers brain bc he's a jealous asshole. I appreciated the inclusion of different character perspectives, but it felt like it lacked any structure and I was struggling to decipher whos perspective i was reading bc it would change so suddenly. similarly, there were a lot of errors in the second half? I couldn't tell if that was a stylistic choice to show how lucifer was beginning to go insane and lack any reason or if the end was truly just rushed.

however, other than some stylistic(?) choices that personally confused me, the book was absolutely gorgeous and I will likely read it again. I'm a picky reader and this has become my second favorite book. the story itself was beautiful and I really deeply connected to it as a queer person who has been traumatized by religion. this book successfully triggered a lot of terrible, horrendous flashbacks but that's what made it so good. it was so relatable, even if I would have to stop frequently to prevent panic attacks lmao.

after I read Song of Achilles, I want to read Angels & Man. I hope its just as good story wise and I hope it answers at least some of the questions I was left with at the end of ABM! Overall, beautiful work :>

[onfjre]

some of my theories for new phil video

(inspired by atticus @[gay slur]inof on twitter)

1. lets laugh at my favorite tiktoks 2

2. why i went to ___ (or why i had to ___) : a storytime video (most likely cuz he said it was a video ABOUT him like....u get me right)

3. easter shopping (most likely), easter decorating (less likely), easter baking (least likely but definitely possible)

4. dan collab (either storytime or joint easter baking)

5. tour of my brain UPDATED (i would fully transform into a little creature but i dont think this is likely)

6. another smash or pass but the vibes are incredibly unhinged (we're in the post-phude universe guys anything could happen)

7. british guy tries weird ___ OR buying weird costumes from wish 2

8. PROJECT ANNOUNCEMENT (typing this so i can say i told u so if it happens)

9. "cheap vs quality" where he tries to decide between two duplicates. u guys have seen this type of video before. dans in it but hes offscreen.

10. coming out to you 3. LOL IDK. the making of onlyphans: behind the scenes. draw my life 3. phil plays apex. phil plays league of legends. phil plays elden ring. british guy tries marijuana (gone wrong). twerkmania: british guy tries shaking ass (this was a mistake). im spitballing here. pranking my subscribers. omg i would actually love a prank video that would be fun. WHAT COULD IT BE.

im excited like besides these idk what it could be

[usertoxicyaoi]

god i have neverrrr everrrr everrrr been a morning workout kinda person i usually always workout after work around 5pm-ish, but since its october now and the days will start to get shorter and SAD will no doubt set in this year i wanna try switching things up for the first time and see what it does for my mood and body and brain if i workout in the mornings before work at 6am before or after i pray fajr salah instead.

[sillycyan]

Here a 10 & a 50 then X)

HELLOOOO WHATTSUPPP HELLOOO WHATTSSUPPP- THANK YOU FOR DOING 10 ( ºΔº ) These land on some simple ones so I’ll try to add more story than explanation.

10. Reign has a bee charm on his suitcase.

There was a very funny moment when Donis had picked Reign up from the airport this one time.. Being the very rich and "classy" man he is, Donis wanted to experience waiting around in an airport. He settled for waiting in baggage claim with Reign and asked him what exactly they should be looking for. Have some of the dialogue from that.. [ REIGN ] "I could’ve just called an Uber. You don’t have to stick around in baggage claim." [ DONIS ] "Are you kidding? I’m so hyped! So, what’s the deal? Is there a unique color orrrr? What are we looking for?" [ REIGN ] "Uhm..." [ DONIS ] "What?" [ REIGN ] "Black suitcase." [ DONIS ] "Seriously?! There are a million black suitcases here. We’re never gonna find it." [ REIGN ] "It’s got something yellow on it..." [ DONIS ] "Yellow? Tons of these have yellow tags." [ REIGN ] "I’m beat.. I know what it looks like. Just meet me outside." [ DONIS ] "Wait, is it that one?" [ REIGN ] "Oh- Yeah." [ DONIS ] "It’s got a little bee on it!" [ REIGN ] "..." [ DONIS ] "That is adorable." [ REIGN ] "Ugh, come on." Donis proceeded to tease Reign throughout the car ride back and for a few days afterwards. Considering the fact that Reign presents himself as a serious guy while having a cute little bee charm on his bag.. HAVE NO SHAME DAMMIT BE THE SOFTY YOU AREE RAAHHH

50. NumberWon randomly switched to a keycard entry system.

At some point, for no publicly explained reason, months after Meil was hired, they started using a keycard system. Offices and any door in the building had the doorknob replaced with one that needed a keycard, even the elevator. The keycards weren’t specific to any doors, unless coded to be, but they all could be connected to work IDs, which were already being used for some things. This all happened very randomly, and some people even struggled to get their keycards at first, but it helped with security a bit. The last major data leak, first off was REAL BAD, and they took not even a full year after before this change was made.. Maybe they also think it was an inside job.. HMMMMM!?!?

[frecklystars]

Wow, 32 asks. Thank you guys so much 😭😭 last night was one of the worst shifts I ever had at work. I feel like i keep reverting back to a year ago when everything was fresh. it's been extraordinarily difficult the past couple of months but it always eases the ache when I read nice messages. it genuinely calms me down a lot when other people tell me it's gonna be ok. so thank you to everyone who took the time to do that for me ;-;

I'm gonna be honest, I feel super hopeless. I am not getting joy from anything right now. Drawing, socializing, watching movies, listening to music, I'm feeling *absolutely nothing*. I am triggered by the SMALLEST fucking things that I thought I was getting better at handling. I'm having trouble wearing skirts again. I'm flinching around the color pink when I was doing SO much better with it. For the last nine days, I haven't gone three hours without having a panic attack. I'm not sleeping. My flashbacks are lasting longer. I'm having out of body experiences again for the first time in almost a year. I feel so hopeless. I told myself one year ago "hey I feel like I'm dying right now my ptsd is so fucking bad but! hey! one year from now, I'll feel better! this will feel so far away from me!" but I don't. I don't feel better. I don't think it's possible to feel better bc I'm too broken. It's been over a year and I don't feel like it's possible for me to make progress.

My Barbie/Ken anniversary is coming up and I was excited for the first couple of weeks, but right now I just... feel absolutely nothing. I am so, so, so severely depressed and my anxiety is getting worse every day. I need help out of my unsafe situation so fucking bad dude it's just gonna kill me. I'm so scared this whole thing is gonna genuinely kill me. I wish I could talk about it but I don't want to scare people but at the same time, it's so bad and it's weighing on me so heavily and I am so fuckign tired of dealing with this every single day

I don't know if I'm gonna go offline or not, bc my problem isn't even online. so... I don't see how being offline would help much. I just feel like I'm supposed to do SOMETHING, literally ANYTHING to feel something. Going offline last time made me feel significantly worse, so maybe that shouldn't be my next step. But I feel nothing when I'm blogging right now. I tried making a Jacob edit the other day and I felt no joy. I want to be filling up my queue for the 21st, all of my Barbie and Ken photos and gifsets. I should be writing Barbie and Ken love notes. I should be making video edits again! but I feel nothing!!! This is the one and only anniversary that actually matters to me this year - sorry to the other 12 Ryan F/Os who have anniversaries but THIS ONE is THE most important one, because these two characters are the F/Os that have helped me the most with my abuse trauma/cptsd. They're the whole reason why I started self shipping again. I want to celebrate that. I want to be excited about it. I am just so fucking numb.

I NEED to feel something for this anniversary, I miss celebrating F/O anniversaries! I don't get to do that anymore since self shipping was ruined for me! Since my main F/Os were ruined for me! I deserve to have a good time with my new F/Os!! I am a good person and I am kind despite all the bullshit I've been through and I work really hard to try to heal from shit! I try to stay positive and I try to help people and I!!! Deserve!! To have a day where I feel good with my F/Os without reliving every single horrifying vile thing that someone did to me! but I feel so empty right now and it hurts! I was excited a couple of weeks ago when I was planning all the activities i was gonna do on the 21st, like a restaurant and a movie and baking and throwing a party with my friends, but now?? Nothing. Absolutely NOTHING in my heart. I feel so goddamn empty. I am so depressed. I really really feel like I can't get better. It's been over a year and I am incapable of healing from my trauma and I don't know what to do about it. I am trying so many things to heal!! I'm going walking, I'm eating way healthier and cutting sugar to see if that helps clear my head a bit more, I'm getting sun, I'm drinking so much water, I'm exercising, I've cut my screen time significantly and reading more often, I'm hanging out with my friends as much as I can, I am trying everything in the book and I feel like a zombie just sitting here and rotting to death, going through the motions and reliving my trauma in my head over and over and over and over and over and over again and I can't get any fucking peace. It's like everybody in the world is living their days while the planet is spinning but I am stuck in the same spot reliving the most horrific bullshit imaginable over and over and over. I feel like I've lost almost 2 years of my life to trauma. I don't feel like I've aged, I feel like everything happened yesterday. I feel like I'm stuck in one spot while everybody else is walking forward and I can't move.

Sorry to ramble I didn't mean to turn this into a vent post but idk what else to do. I don't know if I should go offline on my actual anniversary or maybe a couple of days leading up to it?? Or maybe I'm supposed to BE online and blog about the F/Os to see if that helps me feel better?? Being offline made me feel worse. But being online isn't helping me either. Dude I don't fucking know. I need to work on some crafts or something. I need to make a BarbieLand diorama and paint it. I'm gonna bake heart shaped cookies for the first time this weekend. I'm gonna invite my friends over and we're gonna have a party on Sunday and watch the Barbie movie together. I don't know what else to do but I have to just... keep trying I guess even though I feel nothing while doing these things, it's better than doing nothing

If anyone has advice or something, it's more than welcome. Or even just a "wow, that's rough, buddy". I'm sorry for being negative, I try to remain positive on this hellsite but it's so hard right now. Thank you again to everyone who wrote me a nice message last night when I was hurting. I'm sorry I'm gonna probably be asking for encouraging messages a few more times in the next few weeks bc supportive messages are the only things that have been effectively (affectively?) helping me lately

[gideongrovel]

after i finish up this round of coms imma take a break,,, was not at all expecting all three slots to get filled that quickly,,, as well as them all being full body comms fdssnldnflgg