#idk it's so hard to describe. i think usually talking about that sort of stuff usually comes out as a condemnation

[lyiswriting]

Plus size!reader x Stalker!OC

Past mention

Things about Landon!

I kinda want Landon to be like a Punk/Jock. Idk I'm figuring it out

How I'm thinking they met

Met the reader in the subway. It was a rush hour and the train was packed and she was standing in front of him. He didn't pay attention at first just scrolling on his phone. Until he looked up and they accidentally made eye contact. He fell so quickly, he couldn't stop looking at her as she squirmed. His gaze making her uncomfortable, she thought he was handsome but why would he be looking at her. Reader doesn't question her beauty but it's still weird.

Offered her his seat but she refused as it was already hard to get around and her hips weren't about to fit in that space. He insists but she keeps refusing. Eventually they both drop the conversation but Landon doesn't stop looking at her. Taking in every inch of her, even sneaking a picture the best he can.

Things he starts to do

He starts purposely missing his usual train to take the same one as reader. Once this starts to affect his schedule he changes it so it can fit. Doesn't even need to talk to reader as long as he gets to look at her.

Observes everything about her. Her style, purse, pins, keychains, anything! To try and get more information on her, soon enough he catches a glimpse of a tag on her purse. That's how he gets her name and quickly takes it to social media.

Starts to purposely push people out, makes sure there's a seat next to him. Once this fails the first couple times and reader doesn't sit next to him he re-thinks. From observing he notices she tries to take as little space as she can. And from media he finds out people complain about plus size people sitting next to them. So he starts to stand, stands next to her, glances at her phone, down her shirt, and into her bag if he can!

Subway can get pretty rough so when they hit a rough patch he always uses it as an excuse to get closer. Putting his hand on the bar next to her, "stumbling" into her, grabbing her so she "doesn't fall" all with that innocent charm of his.

Diary keeping. Writes down everything! Even if it's the smallest glance it will have almost a whole page. What reader wore, if she had a snack, how she looked, and not only the stuff you can see. But the stuff he's imagining, the bra color, the beauty marks, the positions.

He starts incorporating her into the things he does. I'm not sure what I want Landon to work as but reader does make her way into it. If it's art she is his muse, he draws her and paints her body all the time. Over and over making sure every detail is just right not leaving a single mark. If it's music, his lyrics describe her. The plush of her hips, his need to grab and bite. If it's business or something of the sorts he creates things that allows plus size people to be more included. Like more sizing, open spaces, and things he knows she will like.

Reader isn't Landon's type.

By reader not being Landon's "type" I mean he has never been with a bigger woman. He's stereotyped to be seen with that classic skinny, blonde, and blued eyes. It will play into the gaslighting and manipulation I have planned for him to do.

Landon is used to getting what he wants.

Even if he has to fight for it he will have it. Anything and anyone. He's patient and will achieve. Yes, this does mean he would kill for reader.

Reader makes Landon feel like he's never felt hormones before.

He's confused himself because he's never been shy with women, always had options. So the way that he can't get her out of his head is insane to him. Spends hours and hours just thinking about reader, drawing, writing, rewatching videos he's taken, printing pictures, picking out gifts to send her, and watching porn but looking for her. Anyone that looks like her but it's never enough because it's not reader!

I'm so happy and grateful for the support on the first post! So here's some stuff I have planned for Landon. Definitely more to come and more scenes!

[maggotstrench]

Match made in hell between these two autistic men. I havent described my ocs in so long idk how to talk about them. They both live isn th US but Shibasaki moved in from Scotland (his father was Japanese but hes never been to japan). They work at the same university (i refuse to do any more research into archivists for these splat fetish comix) Paxton is an archivist and Shibasaki is maintenance, however stuff around where enoch works tends to fuck up a lot.

I blabber on under the cut.

Ive had these ocs among a few others since i was 14, so they’re both ten. both originally live in a horrifying curse world set in 1932 that i wont get into because its convoluted.

In this modern day au tho they enjoy the same stuff but like 100 years apart.

Enoch is sort of a neurotic type who comes off meaner than he is, he has a sarcastic lilt to his speech. Hes helpful but it comes off as brusk and rude like he has to help you because hes bothered which isnt usually the case. Helpful in a pushy way. He likes miniatures and models and tiny things you have to be careful when building. His interests lie in victorian era science and medical practice, but he also enjoys normal tv and animated movies. He’s very careful with his body, food and stimuli wise, mostly because his underlying anxiety has convinced him “if i hiccup at work everyone will know that i get hard and im some devious freak pervert” which has taken a hard left into nobody else can hiccup at my job so hes the man with the vinegar in his locker and he seems more insane than anything. However he doesnt take care of his immune system in the slightest. This is a man who will come to work dying of influenza, dont worry he masks up and cleans his hands. He isnt inconsiderate of anyone else.

Cailean is a more laid back individual despite suffering some pretty intense trauma and anxiety of his own. Hes very much a people please who doesnt want anyone to worry about him or even pay attention to him. Hes sort of a glass child but he doesnt think that way about himself, its normal to give everything of yourself away and not really worry about it because youre so strong! Hes so strong dont worry about it. He enjoys cooking and arts and crafts, hes sort of a sculptor when he has the time. He likes reading books about fantasy and love and mushy stuff. He loves a good hurt/comfort book which feeds into his underlying sneeze and sick fetish. He would love to take care of another person if they were ill but hes also enjoy making love to an ill person if they were up for it. Cailean himself isnt very careful with his body but his body isnt careful with him so it tracks. Hes very hiccup prone but it only really bothers him in public where it adds attention to him.

They both have younger sisters. Cailean took care of his until she passed away which is when he moved. Enoch’s sister is just a weird lesbian who believes in ghosts she takes the piss out of enoch so he doesnt take himself too seriously.

I know im not the best writer but i love my sons so much theyre my favourite ever. If none of this is readable thats ok too just look at the pictures.

[batsplat]

hello, i have a question. what is the difference betwwen a hard and a dangerous racer? is there some sort of characteristics like how succesful a racer is or is more of a "a dangerous racer races on the limit and that's dangerous. a hard racer races on the limit but. its just a hard racer". thank you for answering!

completely in the eye of the beholder, I'm afraid. it's a perpetual debate, and one where everyone draws the line differently... very much a case of one man's dangerous manoeuvre is another one's hard but fair overtake... that being said! I'll have a go at coming up with a general framework with which people assess this stuff

let's bring in two strawmen, which feels like the most direct way to illustrate the possible stances you can take on this debate. to be clear, nobody really fits neatly in either ideological category - but, well, these are pretty much the two most extreme positions anyone could have:

when people are describing something as 'hard racing' (as opposed to... idk, 'clean' racing), they are usually talking about a) contact between the two bikes, and/or b) an action that forces the other bike to take evasive action. what constitutes forcing evasive action? well, this is all very nebulous and hard to define - there's crossing another rider's racing line, making them pick up the bike mid-corner, forcing them wide/off-track, not yielding in situations where one of you will have to yield to avoid a crash... but this is always an assessment that will depend on the specific circumstances. not every block pass is considered hard racing, for instance, even though you are quite literally 'blocking' the other bike. contact is the more straightforward one... if you initiate a move that leads to contact, then most people would agree this is 'hard' racing

so say you are in the 'A' camp. according to this line of thinking, pretty much every contact is 'dangerous' riding and should not be allowed. here's what gibernau said about jerez 2005, included in the sete post:

let's not discuss the merits of the jerez 2005 move specifically here - this is an expression of a broader ideological position. "this is not a contact sport" "it's not about hitting another guy"... so, according to this stance, actions that knowingly result in contact should not be acceptable and as a result need to be penalised. taken to the logical extreme, any and all 'hard racing' is dangerous

let's go to the other extreme, 'B'. let's say you're very pro-hard racing, to the point where you think that contact is more than fine and that it is unreasonable to call it 'dangerous'. sure, of course it is dangerous, but inherently all motorcycle racing has a lot of risk attached. racing that involves contact is basically acceptable. even within this extreme, my lovely venn diagram allows for some actual 'dangerous' riding - either behaviour that is wholly irresponsible during races... or stuff that doesn't count as hard racing because it's not 'racing'. here are some examples:

stuff that happens during races but is like... egregious misbehaviour. cf romano fenati pulling a rival's brake lever during a race - obviously dangerous and no longer really exists within the confines of actual racing

in either races or non-race sessions - not following proper safety procedures like for instance ignoring yellow flags. again, should be pretty obvious why that's dangerous

poor behaviour in non-race sessions,the general tag for not exhibiting appropriate care, awareness for your environment, all that stuff... the extreme example is marc barrelling into the back of another rider after the chequered flag had been waved in friday practise at phillip island 2011 (more on that here). it's also things like faffing about on the racing line, see the pecco mugello dramatics

so, yes, everyone will agree that there's some stuff that counts as 'dangerous riding' that's distinct from 'hard racing' just because it's not actual racing. that's the most straightforward stuff... but yeah, anyway, those are basically the two extreme positions you can take. you can say that all contact is bad and dangerous, that any time you're forcing another rider to take evasive action and are making a pass that isn't 1000% clean, you are putting others at unnecessary risk. or, you can say, hey, everything goes, rubbing is racing on steroids - sure, there's a small category of things that aren't acceptable, mainly stuff that isn't actually racing, but otherwise you should be allowed to brute force yourself past riders whenever you please

obviously, they're strawmen for a reason. basically nobody holds either of these positions in their entirety - and in race situations, there's always going to be actions that are seen as hard racing by some and as dangerous by others. so, unfortunately, we're going to have to dig a little deeper here, and figure out by what metrics people draw the line between hard and dangerous. let's... hey, how about we bring in casey stoner, just this once. as a treat. here's what he said after laguna '08:

“I’ve been in hard racing all my life, some very aggressive racing, but today was a little bit too much. I nearly went in the gravel so many times and I don’t think it was necessary.”

hard racing? casey's done that before. some very aggressive racing? no issue. but what valentino did at laguna was "a little bit too much" and not "necessary". the specific thing casey cites is nearly going into the gravel - and indeed, forcing other riders wide/off-track is one of the types of racing behaviour that most finely straddles the line between 'hard' and 'dangerous'. for other examples, see suzuka 2001 in which biaggi forced valentino off-track and valentino flipped him off when he eventually got past (a few more details here), qatar 2012 where marc forced luthi off-track and got slapped after the race (here) and sepang 2015, where... uh. you know. or how about argentina 2018 where... look, I think you get the point - plenty of controversy comes from forcing your opponent's bike into places where it's simply not supposed to be

while we're at it, let's throw in a little excerpt from casey's autobiography about the race:

A lot of it was fair racing, he was out-braking me on the inside and riding better than me around a lot of the track. If it had all been like that I would cop it sweet. But a couple of moves off camera added to my frustration. I risked running off the track, and racing at the limits like that as we were I even became worried about my safety.

(does have to be said that the pair of them spend... relatively little time off-camera, never when the bikes seem to be particularly close - but of course the problem this statement creates is that by definition you can't judge any footage you don't have access to)

so, let's strip away the details and think about what casey is actually talking about here. it's a risk/reward calculation. this is what's at the heart of this riding standards debate: what level of risk is acceptable for what level of reward? there are situations in which there is inherently a higher level of risk in a way that isn't caused by either party - influenced by the circuit layout, what the weather is like, how hard you're both pushing aka how much on the 'limit' you are, and so on. but even if that risk isn't your 'fault', if you are riding at very high speeds on a dangerous track, you can still be considered a dangerous rider if you're not exercising appropriate levels of caution

so, let's break it down even further and try and come up with some basic criteria by which people judge whether a specific move is 'hard' or 'dangerous'. how about this: (1) does the action have a reasonable chance of coming off, (2) is the risk you're taking proportionate to the reward, and (3) is the move likely to cause serious harm to you or the other rider. let's take them one by one

listen, it needs to be plausible that you're going to be able to pull this move off. if you're firing the bike from fifty miles back into a gap that doesn't exist, then this is by definition an unnecessary risk. you are not going to do yourself any good and you are also not going to do the other rider any good. (sometimes it might be in your interest to crash the other rider out so you might as well, but unsurprisingly this is frowned upon. see the 1998 250cc title decider.) obviously, this is going to be affected by your skill level - if you're a mid rider, there will be fewer moves that are 'plausible' for you than for the best riders

this is basically the common sense metric. if you are riding in a pack, make sure to keep in mind that crashing in this situation could get ugly. if you are fighting for p5, maybe a different approach is fitting than fighting for p1. if you can make an overtake a lap later as long as you're patient, in a way that's a lot safer than doing it now, perhaps just do that instead. don't be silly in the wet! this comes down to stakes, whether it's worth it, how likely the move is to succeed... and also what the consequences would be if you got it wrong, for both yourself and other riders. you're making an overall judgement based on all of those factors... sometimes you need to take risk, but it's better to make sure that risk is reasonably sensible

however high the potential rewards are, there's a certain level of risk that is no longer acceptable, where the 'risk/reward calculation' stuff has to be thrown out of the window because the reward no longer matters. this is basically the catch-all for 'wholly irresponsible riding' - anything that's just going too far

so, uh. obviously everything described above is super subjective... but that's what people are judging in my opinion, this is the standards they are using in their head to determine where they draw the line. so, as an example, to bring back the stuff from this post about the inter-alien ideological differences:

and again, this is also what the debate after aragon 2013 was about:

if you think aragon 2013 is unacceptable to the point of being dangerous, then you probably take quite a hard line view and think pretty much any action that could lead to contact needs to be stamped down on. while that contact did have unpleasant consequences for the other party (dani wasn't able to walk for several days and his title bid was basically over), it is perhaps a little worse than could have been reasonably expected in that situation. in that sense, there's a bit of surface level similarity with jerez 2005... there, valentino made the pass for the win at the last corner, knowing he would probably bump into sete while doing so. neither rider is knocked off their bike (though sete has to leave the track) and it is at a slow corner, with relatively 'light' contact. unfortunately, as a result of where valentino's bike impacted sete's body and sete's preexisting shoulder issues, it ended up injuring sete (see here for valentino learning of this perhaps a little later than was ideal and only after he'd taken the piss out of sete for dramatically clutching his arm). at aragon 2013, marc was harrying dani and sticking very close to his rear tyre as he applied pressure to his teammate before he made a small misjudgement, getting his braking a little wrong and clipping the back of dani's bike. he happened to cut a crucial wire in the process, causing dani to highside a few moments later

these aren't equivalent situations and each have their own risk/reward profile. but the basic point is this: inviting contact with another rider will always generate more risk, and can always have unintended consequences... even when the action is relatively innocuous and the rider would not have expected this outcome. if you are in the 'all passes should be clean passes' school, this risk is fundamentally unacceptable. even trickier - what if contact is made as a result of a move you initiated but the other rider could have avoided? of course, you started it, but they could have yielded... and maybe they should have, maybe that would have been the wise, the sensible thing to do in that situation. it's always important to remember that at least two riders are involved in all these situations - and there are many cases where contact and/or crashing is not 100% the fault of any one party. so, for instance, there are several moments in laguna 2008 that are so risky in part because casey is also refusing to yield. that's not to necessarily imply any blame or fault! of course, it might not be ideal for the most aggressive riders being able to bully everyone else as they please because they know they can generally rely on everyone else being more sensible and yielding. but the differing outcomes resulting from the choices made by the 'other' rider will always help influence perception of any race situation - a move that is seen as 'hard but fair' might have been seen as considerably more dangerous if the other party hadn't yielded

and yes... yes, there is absolutely a question of your success rate. this links back to point (1) - is the move plausible? there are moves that aren't really considered examples of 'hard racing' and certainly not dangerous... because they worked. take valentino's last corner move at catalunya 2009, at a corner where you don't traditionally overtake (remember, before the race jorge was going around tempting fate by saying that if you're ahead by that point you're sorted). sure, he goes for a gap that exists, but it could easily have gone wrong - and if a lot of other riders had tried that, then it would have. how do you think yamaha would have felt if valentino had taken both yamaha riders out at the very end of the race to allow ducati to claim an unlikely victory and an increased championship lead? here's another one: misano 2017 and marc making a last lap move in treacherous conditions to snatch the win. no contact required to make that risky as shit - and if stuff like that goes wrong too often they call you an idiot at best and dangerous at worst. of course, both valentino and marc have had moments where they very much did not pull off moves they were intending, which is how we get ambition outweighing talent and 'I hope he can learn from this one and improve for the future', among other hits. but, relative to the amount of risk they're regularly taking in their racing, they get a lot of reward for their troubles... because they're very good at what they do. the risk/reward calculation is one that they... uh, can both be very adept at, but it's also one that's fundamentally easier when you're skilled enough to pull off a lot of moves that would be beyond the capabilities of other riders. it's when you don't know how to judge your moments, when you keep trying moves that you can't pull off - that's where other riders will start having a problem with you

which is where we get to reputation! how different incidents are judged will also depend on the existing reputations of the riders involved and whether they are seen as 'fair' racers or not (an even more nebulous term, if possible), versus hard racers, dangerous racers... often, this is a question of quantity too - with certain riders on the grid, you will notice they're involved in controversial incidents disproportionately often. how likely people are to pay you the benefit of the doubt... how likely they are to believe you as to what your intent was in a certain situation, perhaps the most nebulous concept of them all. 'hard' and 'dangerous' aren't assessments that are made in isolation, and how severely riders are judged will often depend on their pasts and how those pasts are perceived by others

where you get into really sticky territory is... okay, both valentino and marc have more often than not (arguably) been able to stay on the right side of 'the line', where their moves might be hard but aren't putting anyone else in active danger - but that's because they are at least theoretically capable of exhibiting a good sense of judgement and are also good at what they're doing, as covered above. here's a question: do they bear any responsibility for when younger and/or worse riders copy their moves and/or general approach to racing, with worse consequences? when they have been criticised, when they are called dangerous, at times it's not just what they're doing in the moment... it's what they're inspiring. so you've got stuff like this from sete:

even more drastically than that, after the death of a fifteen year old rider in supersport in 2021, one of his fellow rider said this about marc (which marc unsurprisingly strongly pushed back on):

(just worth remembering, this is a rider who did walk away from the sport as a result and was clearly deeply affected by what happened - the marc comments were part of a longer statement that got overshadowed by this part and the resulting controversy)

setting aside the merits or lack thereof of these specific assertions, what of the general questions they raise... can you be a dangerous rider in an indirect fashion like this, by the very nature of your legacy? are riders who helped bring about a more aggressive baseline standard of racing in any way responsible for anything that happens as a result of this standard? (even worse, there's a line of succession here - after all, who was marc's biggest inspiration?) or does individual responsibility reign supreme here? athletes are by design only interested in their own successes, aren't they - and 'legacy' is so abstract, how can anyone know how others will be influenced by what they do? how can we even begin to assess how big an influence individual riders really are? let's not forget that there will be other factors - riders in the past have discussed how particular characteristics of the moto2 class have bred more aggressive racing, or the influence of the size of motogp bikes, or how difficult it is these days to overtake in a completely 'clean' manner, or the rules themselves and to what extent they have actually been enforced etc etc... maybe there's also an element of people focusing on the easiest, most visible explanation in the form of star riders, without giving proper consideration to the underlying factors that will influence an era's style of riding. again, how you feel about all of this will vary from person to person - but part of the hard vs dangerous debate is inherently forward-looking. and it's hardly just legacy... your hard/dangerous moves may also be setting a precedent in the present. to what extent is it the duty of riders to worry about that?

so then, that's what I've got. how you draw the distinction between hard racing and dangerous riding will come down to your individual ideological position and what you think racing even entails. do you think all contact is objectionable? do you think only the most extreme of transgressions - most of which don't qualify as 'racing' per se - should be labelled dangerous? somewhere in between? everyone will draw the line in a different place, according to the situation and their individual biases and understanding of events. it comes down, generally speaking, to how you judge the risks and rewards of a certain move, whether you think what a rider attempted was 'worth' it. all of which depends on whether the rider could realistically have managed whatever action they were attempting, whether the potential rewards were proportionate to the risks, or whether the whole thing was just too flat out dangerous to ever be worth it... of course, none of these are objective standards by which you can assess the racing, but they should give you a rough indication of what people are even talking about when they're distinguishing between hard and dangerous racing. riders as individuals are also far from consistent in their stances (surely not!) so you do have to play it by ear a lot of the times... and while there are plenty incidents where the majority can agree whether it is 'hard' or 'dangerous', there are plenty more where you're going to get a lot of contradictory opinions. no definitive answers here - unfortunately a lot of the time you'll just have to make your own mind up

[sharpth1ng]

I hope it's okay to ask you that. I realised I'm trans about a year ago. I usually say I'm a transman so ppl don't get confused but I'd say I'm more non-binary, just very far on the masc spectrum. I was just wondering if you also had like a honeymoon phase? The euphoria I felt was quite intense and my body disphoria wasn't too bad I thought I could handle it. But now the euphoria died down a little and I'm constantly questioning myself and tze dysphoria hit me hard too this week. I think it's the backlash of my family tho that made my excitement die down... I thought After the honeymoon phase it would settle in more comfortably and not make me more anxious. Sorry, now I'm rambling... You don't have to answer this ofc, but idk, in case you wanna share

Hey, I think what you're going through is super normal (as much as it's not fun).

In my experience dysphoria can be something that fluctuates for a wide variety of reasons. I'll talk about it and maybe you'll relate, but don't take this as an exhaustive list it's just based on my experience and I can't speak for everyone.

1. Experiencing transphobia, even indirectly or in microaggressions can trigger dysphoria.

This could be something like watching transphobic content online, or even something like coming out to someone and having them respond with confusion or what I can only describe as disappointment (yk that thing when cis people say they need to mourn the gender you had before). It could also be something much more malicious and dangerous than that, but I'm not going to get into that here.

It's an othering experience, it highlights your identity in a negative way, and it's easy to have old patterns of internalized transphobia wake up in response to that. Even now that I've completed all the medical transition that I ever will that kind of experience that can trigger older dysphoria.

Especially having to deal with family that doesn't understand or people who question you, that kind of stuff can really get in your head and turn you against yourself.

A big contributor to this lately is people fear mongering about how HRT will irreversibly destroy your body (it wont), and make you unattractive based on cis standards (it often doesn't, but why should we care about that?). It presents a medically transitioning body as horrific, and shames those who don't transition medically for not being 'real' (which is also bullshit).

Early in my transition i was confronted with so many people questioning how i really know, and it freaked me out, made me question myself constantly. It made me forget that I know because I feel it. Thats the only evidence you can have for your own gender identity. No one else, not even the most qualified psychiatrist, is able to figure that out for you.

2. Sometimes when you treat one kind of dysphoria you realize that it was drowning out another kind of dysphoria.

This happened to me a few times, like when I got people to start using he/him pronouns and my physical dysphoria got a lot more noticeable. It happened again when I finally got top surgery and my bottom dysphoria decided to get a lot worse.

This obviously isn't going to happen to everyone, but for me it felt like once I was happy with my pronouns and my chest, then my brain had time to focus on something that had always been lurking in the background.

I had always had a level of bottom dysphoria, but I think there's sort of different stages. Like early on you just feel sort of disconnected from a body part, then maybe you start to associate it with confusion and anxiety, and then once you realize that its something you can maybe change is when it really feels the worst, at least consciously.

Its not a new kind of dysphoria materializing out of nowhere, it's just that sometimes one type of pain can hide another type of pain, and when that first type is cured you notice the second.

I wouldn't go back on any of my transition. Before my dysphoria was hurting me in much more harmful and hidden ways, but there's a unique kind of pain that comes from allowing yourself to fully feel something for the first time. You can ride it out, it will fade, you'll find a way to treat it or you'll find a way to manage it if you can't. But it does really suck to get blindsided by that.

3. When you aren't binary or when you're fluid in either gender or presentation, there's a kind of dysphoria from being forced into an arbitrarily binary world that is hard to escape.

Im having a hard time figuring out exactly how to explain this one so I'm going to start in talking about my own experience.

I feel a need to have a masculinized body, and medical transition was absolutely necessary for me. I'd much rather be referred to with he pronouns than she pronouns, and the natural way I emote and carry my body is often perceived as more masculine than feminine.

All of that is true but I also don't know how to understand myself as a man the way other men are (this is just me, i know for a fact other trans men feel like men in the exact same way other men do). He pronouns are better than she, but it/its pronouns are the only ones that make me happy.

I don't really identify with colonial conceptions of gender in general. My understanding of gender means that I just don't think any of our pre-made categories are particularly useful because the traits we use to define them are mostly arbitrary. I don't like dissecting my identity along lines drawn by a system that doesn't represent me.

I tell most people I'm a trans man. I did used to identify that way but over time I've realized the language that feels like it actually captures me is 2spirit. A lot of people don't know what that is though, and I often don't have the energy for an explanation of the fact that our gender and sexuality categories are a colonial construct. When I do, it opens me up to hearing a bunch of anti-indigenous bullshit.

(Everytime I see a post of passing tips for trans men, theres a point about cutting your hair, like braids aren't of massive cultural significance for a lot of native men. And people will just act like the binary is innate. Natural. It's exhausting.)

All that is to say that most of the time I feel like I'm telling half-truths about my gender, and doing that can put you in a weird mental space. It makes you feel like you're fake, or some kind of imposter.

And all of that comes before even thinking about gender presentation.

If I dress in a way thats more binary or masculine I get treated like a binary man in a way that makes me uncomfortable. In particular women and visibly queer people seem less open around me, which makes me feel horribly sad. As a result I often intentionally dress in a more visibly queer way than I would otherwise.

On the other hand, on the rare occasion that I dress in a way that leans more feminine, the I get she/her pronouns (which makes me uncomfortable) or people notice my masculinized body and treat me with what I can only assume is misplaced transmisogyny.

None of these shifts in presentation correspond to a change in my gender. If anything my gender has always been the same and Im more accurately described as a transsexual, in that my sex needed to change, but that doesn't really have anything to do with affirming my gender.

All of this is fucking confusing. Depending on how I present on any given day I can have different weird kinds of dysphoria get triggered, simply because when you're gender non-conforming at all you get othered. Even when i'm in a more binary masculine outfit I feel out of place because I know my internal experience doesn't match what people see when they look at me.

All of that is really long winded, and I don't even know if I'm expressing it properly, but the point I'm trying to illustrate is that the mere experience of being measured up to a binary gender when you aren't binary can be confusing and dysphoria inducing.

Its also important to remember that cis people experience gender dysphoria too.

Cis women who are insecure about having a small chest, being too tall, having facial hair- those women are experiencing dysphoria. Its the same for cis men who are insecure about penis size, the width of their hips, not being muscular enough, ect.

When society has defined a narrow range of biological realities as "correct" the majority of people are not going to fit in, and when you don't fit in it causes you to feel like your body isn't the way its supposed to be, whether or not you're trans. Even worse we don't acknowledge the ways in which constructed gender is mostly only accessible to people can at least seem to have a white, cis, hetero, perisex, thin, abled body.

Because of that, dysphoria doesn't necessarily go away fully when we transition, and thats ok. Its probably going to come and go for you, it will change over time, and most likely it will fade, A LOT as you settle into yourself. The euphoria will come and go too. Thats all a normal part of having a human body.

As long as transition moves us closer to a place that feels comfortable then it's worth it. It doesn't have to fix us or make us perfect. We only have to prefer it to the alternative.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

okay whatever!! I'm doing NaNoWriMo I guess!!!

I'm fully expecting to fall off the wagon at some point, probably this coming weekend because I'll be at a conference, but idk I like having structured writing motivations. and it's a YA thing with a VERY informal conversational voice so hopefully I can just chill and have fun.

first 1800ish words here. meet Cara, she's 18 and a werewolf and not doing so hot.

Where do I even start?

That’s not a rhetorical question, I have no idea. I’ve never really done this before, you know? I’ve never actually had to explain myself to anybody. Growing up, everyone always knew exactly who I was and what was going on.

Well, not everything. I mean, a lot of people actually had no idea what was going on with me for a really long time. That was actually part of the problem.

So suppose I start with the day that everything started falling apart? It makes as much sense as anything else.

That was the day we were supposed to be getting back to school from winter break. I remember really clearly that I slept in so late that Dad had to come and tell me it was time to get out of bed, which I he hadn’t had to do since I was a little kid and still adjusting to the routine. Every morning since I was thirteen, we get up early together to make breakfast and go patrol around the town. 

Sorry, do you know about… I mean, you obviously know what I am. That’s not what I’m talking about. But how much do you actually know about the werewolf thing? Most people don’t really know much unless they grow up in a town with a local wolf around. It’s a lot simpler than most people think it is but it’s also a lot more complicated, in other ways.

I don’t even know if I’m making sense. You remember what I said, about not being used to having to explain myself very much? 

Okay. Um. Just let me know if you have a question, I guess. Basically, what happened that morning is that Dad came and told me I had to crawl out of bed and I scrambled up and got dressed in the warmest, baggiest clothes I could find, and then we had some oatmeal together, and then we both went out back on the porch and turned into giant wolves so that we could run around the town borders and make sure nothing spooky was afoot. Got that?

Cool.

Like I said, we’d been doing that a long time. Every morning since seventh grade started, when I finally started getting a handle on my wolf stuff. And I was a real pro about it, even though I love being in bed, so I guess Dad probably thought it was weird that he had to tell me to get up. It wasn’t like I had been sleeping in over Christmas vacation; we never get a break just because of holidays. I mean, monsters don’t care that it’s Chrisitmas. Heck, the year before that we had to deal with a bunch of snowmen that came to life and started attacking people up at the ski lodge.

Did you hear about that? We did kind of blow up the lodge, but it was an accident. And it worked, so… You know.

Sorry. Am I avoiding the subject? I don’t know, I don’t think so. We haven’t even gotten to the hard stuff yet.

Me and Dad. He made oatmeal with strawberries and cream for breakfast, it was great. And then we went out to circle around Silver Falls and make sure everything was normal, which it wasn’t, but we didn’t know it yet that morning. Normally we can smell it coming miles away, right? I sort of mean that literally, because the sense of smell when you’re a wolf is like… I can’t describe it. I’ve never known how, when I’m human. It’s like having an extra eye open up seeing stuff you can only kind of squint at normally, and everything that’s usually fuzzy or invisible is suddenly so obvious. And then you change back and it’s just gone, like trying to hang onto a dream after you wake up. And our hearing is great too, which also helps. It’s hard to surprise us.

But there’s also just, like, a sense. Like a feeling, like when the town is in trouble we can feel it as clearly as if there’s something creeping up right behind us and breathing down our necks. My friend Ruby says that normal people learn not to pay attention to it when they have a feeling that something’s following them or they can’t stop glancing over their shoulders, because in normal people that’s just anxiety or paranoia. You take pills for it and go to therapy because it’s bad for you to feel like something is out to get you all the time, so you make it stop. But Dad always taught me and my brothers to listen to those instincts, because when werewolves feel like they’re in danger they’re usually right.

That morning everything was normal, though. All of the tracks in the snow were normal animals, ones that we knew. And no strange scents in the air. It was just a nice run with my dad, a good way to start the day off.

Most days actually are quiet, you know. For every day we’re tearing around town trying to catch a monster before it can kill someone, there are dozens of mornings that we just get to go for a run and stretch our legs. We can’t talk when we’re wolves but it’s still nice, hanging out. Sometimes Dad will stop to point out something cool he doesn’t want me to miss, like some baby animals or a pretty sunrise or flowers growing when it’s warm. I always get what he means. And I appreciate that he does it. We go fast when we’re wolves, like, faster than anything else can run. So it’s easy to miss things. And he always says it’s important to actually pay attention to the land and everything living on it, so that we remember why we do this and what we’re protecting. Because if you lose sight of why you do it, then you get… I don’t know. Weird?

I definitely ended up getting weird.

But we made it back to the house with no incidents, which was great. We were definitely thinking it was about time for something to happen soon, though. We never go more than a few months at a time without something cropping up in Silver Falls. The last big thing had been some gremlins at the trade school, gathering up scraps to build a mech suit. That one was… it was fun, honestly. I had never fought anything like that. And Hector thought it was really cool, because he likes robots and stuff like that. It was actually kind of downhill after that? I mean, not really, but we had kind of been getting worse since then. Like the gremlins were the last time we had something in common.

Hector was sort of my boyfriend, by the way. Or my fiancé, sort of. I don’t know, I hate that word. We weren’t even technically engaged, I guess. He had never actually proposed, but everyone knew what would happen after we graduated.

Do we have to talk about this part right now? I’m going to get to it, I swear, but there was other stuff. I swear I’m not avoiding it.

I was avoiding Hector, though. Not on purpose, it had just kind of happened over break. I don’t know, we’d been hanging out less and less, and then over break it was just so easy not to see him at all. He’d gone back to Florida with his mom for Christmas, to visit their family there, and I didn’t want to bother him. Or think about him at all, really. He’s a nice guy, really, but it was…

No, hang on. I’m doing this so out of order. We’ll get back to Hector, I swear.

Okay. Okay. So I got back home from this patrol where nothing happened, and we were running a little behind because I’d taken so long getting up, so Mom and the boys were practically already out the door. Um, I’ve got three brothers. Colin, Caleb, and Cooper. My parents liked the double C name so much for me that they just kept on rolling with it. 

The boys are all normal. Only the firstborn in each generation gets the wolf gene, and it only bounces if something happens. Like, my dad actually wasn’t supposed to be a wolf, but his brother died when he was a teenager fighting some tree monsters with my grandma. It only shifted to Dad after that, on the next full moon after his brother was gone. So Colin would only be a wolf if I died too young to have a successor, which is… I don’t know. I won’t let it happen. Colin doesn’t need to worry about that. 

It’s weird, actually. Colin was fourteen when all of this happened, and Caleb was twelve, which was how old I was when I started wolfing. And when I was twelve I felt so mature and ready to start taking all of those responsibilities on with my dad. I was so impatient for it, and I hated that it felt like I took so long. Like, I was kind of a late bloomer. But I think back to Caleb being that age, and even Colin being fourteen, and I don’t know. They’re babies. They’ve always seemed like babies to me. But I would look at my brothers and their friends and how young they were, and how totally clueless, and it just seemed crazy to me that I was already running off to life or death fights at all hours when I was their age. 

Sorry, I got sidetracked. Anyways.

So Mom was already dressed for work at school, and had the boys wrangling all of their books and lunches together and stuff, and she told me if I wanted a ride with her then I needed to move fast, so I told her not to worry about it. And she said:

“If you see Ruby before I do, give her a hug and tell her congratulations for me.”

And I didn’t know what she meant, which was weird, because Ruby was always doing something that deserved a hug and congratulations, but I also always knew what it was because Ruby was my best friend and I thought I knew about everything going on with her. But I was confused and Mom could tell, so she went:

“She got another three acceptance letters over break.”

And I said, oh, right, yeah, like I had known all about that, so Mom dropped it and gave me and Dad little kisses goodbye and left. Which was kind of silly in my case, I guess, since she worked at my school and my school wasn’t huge, so we would definitely see each other again before too long. But it was sweet, though. I don’t want to sound like I was complaining about my mom loving me or anything.

[apopcornkernel]

11, 19, 23, 39 !! sending u kisses back MWAH !!!

from these writing asks

11. Three tropes that are fine but overrated.

e,, ene,,, enemies-to-lovers (audience gasps) YES i know i cannot believe I'm saying this as one of the most ardent lovers of etl. but likeee i don't think it suits some ships at all (and kinda kills what i love about said ships) AND I've been feeling super let down by recent portrayals of it that has actually just been straight ass

other than that, i guess fake dating and arranged marriage 😭 i do still enjoy those tropes done well! but lately I've been wanting more canon-based fics & quieter tension but tension all the same. like yes give me 20k of them running this country together, i don't even want a confession at the end or any sort of kiss, just show me their chemistry and their deep trust!!!!

19. Share a snippet from a wip without giving any context for it.

I LOVE U FOR THIS

When she woke, her head was clearer, the haze of drink all but burned through. It was not yet light. Yukong turned, and in the darkness Caiyi’s eyes were like that of a cat’s, fixed pinpricks of direct brightness.

No. Not Caiyi.

Ruan Mei blinked back at her, still watching. The memory of everything that had transpired, the touching, the kissing—

Yukong uttered a low, fierce curse.

23. Dialogue or description? Why is the other one so hard?

it depends, but usually its dialogue :( i am really bad at writing very very colloquial characters and when it's for more formal (?) characters its slightly easier if only bc i know the rules better? but its still hard, like... like this for example, I'm still unsure how to rephrase this 😭:

The Seer Strategist had on a look of such put-on innocence that it only missed an affronted hand to the chest. “Why, Diviner Fu, I’d never. ☰ ☲ Besides, it’s not good for us to have infighting among ourselves rephrase.”

yeah, that rephrase is my note to self 😭 it's why writing stuff like jingfu takes doubly long.

description can also be hard for me bc i forget that people need them haha. like i just want to skip ahead and go to the good stuff (interaction! talking!) but then im like. shit. the readers don't even know where they are rn 😭 it's a little tiring to describe too, like idk how yall are writing multiple paragraphs when one alone is a struggle for me

39. Wildest AU scenario you have written?

it's STILL jingfu propaganda movement au where i made jing yuan a chinese mestizo and fu xuan a newly arrived chinese immigrant who lived in binondo during the philippine propaganda movement and the ensuing revolution 🥰

[crystalninjaphoenix]

Many Roads Diverge in the Woods - Second Run - Part Six

The Beginning | Previous

The results are in.

You've made your decision. Wonder what you'll see? You all are being so incredibly reasonable this whole run fdhjakslh None of you are like "hmm, what if I saw the bad choices?" Or, well, some of you might be, idk, I can't see into your heads. Wonder how you'll deal with this choice, then... :)c

The poll at the bottom to decide what happens next is only open for one day, expiring on April 20th at 12:00pm PST. Part Seven will be up the next day, April 21st, at the same time.

<><><><><><><><><><><>

“Bro, it’s not gonna be that hard to tell us what you’re talking about,” Chase says.

Marvin raises an eyebrow. “It’s also not gonna be that hard to walk three meters from where you’re standing to the room.”

It’s farther than that, JJ says.

“Semantics.”

“Marvin, I think what we are trying to say is that... you have been acting a bit unusual,” Schneep says delicately. “We need some trust.”

“Yeah, maybe when we walk in you’ll lock us in the room or something,” Jackie adds.

“What the fuck? No!” Marvin folds his arms. “Okay, fine, if you guys are being so weird about it. The room is pretty much empty except for some chairs. But there’s a pattern burned into the floor that I know is a ritual circle for spells.”

Jackie blinks. “What?”

Marvin throws his hands in the air. “See? You have no idea what that means! My explanation is fucking useless to you!”

Even that is better than going in completely blind, JJ says. Thank you, Marvin. We’ll check it out now.

“Finally. You guys are being weird.”

“No, you’re being weird!” Chase insists. “You’ve been weird since we came down to see what you were doing!”

Marvin starts to snap back, but stops. He frowns, like he’s considering something. For a moment, he looks worried. Then he pushes past it. “Well... I’ll try to stop being weird, then. Come on. I’ll go in first, if you’re so worried about me locking you in.” And he turns around and walks back into the room he came from. The other four glance at each other, a bit concerned, but follow him.

The room is exactly as Marvin described, empty except for four wooden chairs. A single dim bulb lights it up, though there are still shadows around the edges. And on the floor—wooden boards instead of the blank concrete in the basement hallway—is a design. Chase traces the lines with his eyes. A circle. With lines crisscrossing back and forth, and six strange symbols burned into the empty space in the center. The four chairs sit on the edge of this circle, evenly spaced between each other.

“So... you said this was a ritual circle?” Schneep asked. “For what?”

“I don’t really know, actually,” Marvin says slowly. “I don’t recognize the pattern. And actually, patterns aren’t really used that much, it’s usually just the circle, maybe with some runes around the edges if you want to be fancy.”

“What about these?” Jackie points at the symbols in the center. “They seem important. Do you recognize them?”

“I... kind of?” Marvin says. “It’s weird. I don’t know how I know this, but it’s something about... life? And... change? Transformation, o-or maybe transference, I don’t know.”

“Why’s it burned into the ground?” Chase mutters, tapping one of the lines with the tip of his shoe. “Seems like a lot of effort.”

“I’m guessing whoever did it was planning on using it a lot.”

JJ frowns. Why is this in Jack’s cabin? Along with all those magic books in the other room? I didn’t think he was into that sort of stuff.

“Maybe it belonged to some other family member,” Jackie suggests.

Chase gives the room a second look, as if he could find something new. And, surprisingly, he does. “Hey, these chairs were in the other room,” Chase says. “With the table. Marvin, did you move them in here?”

Marvin stares at Chase for a moment. Then at the chairs. He blinks, confusion clouding his face. “I... don’t know. Maybe? I—ow!” Marvin flinches a bit, pressing a hand to the side of his head.

“Are you okay?” Schneep asks.

“Yeah, I just... my head... started... hurt...” Marvin’s words trail off. He slowly lowers his hand. And he steps further into the room, going right up to the symbols in the center, looking down as he stands on them.

“Marvin?” Jackie asks, concerned.

Marvin looks up. “I remember what one of these means,” he says in a slow, almost monotone voice. “It means ‘blood.’ And I found something else in this room.” He puts his hand behind his back and then takes it out again. A knife is clasped in his hand. A thin blade, almost a dagger.

“Whoa!” Jackie steps forward, holding his arms out protectively in front of the others. “Okay, uh, cool? Th-that makes sense, I guess. Now, uh, can you put it down?”

Marvin grins. “Does it make you nervous?”

“No!” Jackie protests.

“I-it does a little,” Schneep says quietly.

“Really? What are you afraid of? That I’ll hurt you? I’m hurt that you’d think that.” Marvin flips the knife in his hand. “I’ll show you how hurt I am.” Slowly, he raises the shaking knife to his throat.

Chase gasps. He pushes past Jackie. “Marvin, no!”

JJ also tries to push past him, but Schneep grabs him and pulls him back. “Be careful!” Schneep hisses.

“Be careful?! Be careful?! Are you seeing this?!” Chase takes a couple steps forward. “Marvin, put the knife down.”

Marvin just laughs. The blade presses against his neck.

[here-be-misfit]

A rant about my sister and her inability to understand me and my issues (especially mental health stuff). Putting in under "read more" because it's gonna be huge wall of text.

I think after meeting i had yesterday with my sister i am really sure, like 100% that she is nowhere near better than the rest of this dysfunctional family. Yes she might understand SOMETHING better but that's about it.

First of all, she absolutely invalidates me, doesn't believe i have trauma and tries to downplay it. "Everyone has some traumatic experiences"... Yea right... But not everyone gets to be severely mentally ill. Every time i tried to bring trauma as a cause for stuff she'd say something like "maybe BUT it could be...". I haven't talked with anyone who tried this fucking hard to downplay my trauma and abuse. Usually people say upfront and it is easier to deal with those and with how my sister does it. Also the fact that she believes that there aren't healthy people and everyone has some sort of mental issues says a lot because she literally downplays how severely mentally ill i am. Maybe it's her projecting or maybe it's just her brain trying to save her from her own shit idk. But it fucking sucks.

Of course i wasn't surprised when she didn't understand bpd even when i tried to explain splitting and shit. Not surprised because most people in this fucking country has no knowledge of bpd or of personality disorder in general. When i tried to explain it, her response was "but your personality is great and who cares if it's disordered and why it has to be like that". BITCH IT'S BECAUSE I HAVE FUCKING PERSONALITY DISORDER THAT'S WHY. 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ Idk why it's so hard to understand that personality disorders exist and idk why it's so hard to understand the concept of it. Then after i explained splitting she was like "well even people without disorders and mental health issues can be driven to do crazy shit and act in similar ways". 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ Then she absolutely does not understand what disassociation is and how it feels because what she described from her side isn't disassociation but more like bottling up emotions and stuff.

Then what really makes me so fucking angry and annoyed is how she said that she knows me so well. NO SHE DOESN'T. We barely talk on daily basis, we mostly meet during holidays or random occasions like this. She lives not with me and bitch mother anymore. How can she actually know me when we barely talk. That's right she can't. But wait, oh, i fucking forgot that she as also the rest of this dysfunctional family bases their knowledge on kid and teenage me and fails to update this version they have of me to current me so of course they think they know me well... 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ I fucking hate this shit.

And then the biggest and most annoying thing about that whole meeting and conversation with her is how she magically knows every single solution to every single mental health issue. And that solution is to write. 😂😂😂😂😂🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ Yes, apparently if you write you will heal and shit and find every solution and it will also heal you from personality disorders and depression and ptsd and everything. 😂😂😂😂😂 Fucking hell. And what is even worse is how pushing she was about it. Like ok, I'd understand a suggestion of it but being pushy and forceful about your suggestion is absolutely wrong way to make someone even consider taking your suggestion or trying it out.

So yea, this is basically watered down version of what happened because there's so much shit I've heard from her. I was really expecting that she might have changed or something but i guess i expected too much from this shit family. And somehow i feel that i am only one sane and understanding person in this family so of course i am a black sheep. I do hope that she won't have any kids because this family and this fucking curse and shit needs to die.

I don't know maybe some of this was my fault, maybe i haven't explained well, i mean i suck at explaining and shit so maybe if it was someone else explaining stuff to her, maybe she would have understood better. 🤷‍♀️

[wildernezz]

you only just followed me but i saw your bio, so:

analyse me lol

finally got around to doing this. man, i really gotta get back on my analyzation grind. anyways this is the most i was able to think of. not sure how accurate it'll end up being, but hopefully i'm able to get some things right lolll. and if not, hopefully you at least enjoyed reading through it:

autism. that is the very first thing that strikes me when scrolling through your blog to analyze stuff and i just needed to get that out of the way as soon as possible. the autism is undeniable. and if you're not autistic it's some sort of flavor of neurodivergent. i'm putting my bets on autism though.

you're a very honest and straightforward person. you're very clear about your boundaries and what you're trying to express when talking about things. it's incredibly respectable and a really good trait to have, but i feel like sometimes you question yourself for it. it's hard to describe but i'll try touching more on it later.

i feel like you're not a very talkative person in real life. considering you have a lot of deltarune posts, a large part of me feels like you relate to kris. you also just give off those vibes of someone who's a little monotone, not extremely talkative, but can definitely ramble about the things you're interested in. i also feel like the story arc of kris is something you probably relate to. i haven't analyzed kris enough to feel solid in describing their trauma but i know something in that is something you relate to. especially with the conflict of identity and knowing who you are. i have no idea how to describe that in kris terms but i know it's there. 

rolling along with the deltarune ball, there's a whole lotta noelle in there too (which based btw, noelle is awesome). it makes me wonder if you relate to her too. maybe it's the overall anxiety she has, but i feel like it also ties into the idea of identity, losing yourself, or not completely knowing who you are. it's weird to describe because i feel like you do have a solid sense of who you are, it's just that every now and then you probably have some sort of moral crisis or existential crisis and it can send you spiraling if you think about it for too long. you seem like somebody who lives life the way that you want to, but there is still a slight underlying fear of both yourself and the world.

oh i just know you've questioned your gender a few times. maybe you haven't particularly dwelled on it for a long time, but i feel like you've def had that "maybe i'm not entirely cis" thought pop in your head every now and then.

this is honestly a tougher analyzation for me to pinpoint, but it's not because i can't tell anything about you, it's more like i could point at a character and go "that one's you" but i have no idea how to back it up lmaoooo. so here's some characters that i feel fit you but i have no idea why: Kris from Deltarune (duh), steve minecraft (idk why either), L from Death Note, Nick Carraway from The Great Gatsby, both Danny Saunders and Reuven Malter from The Chosen (1987 movie specifically), and also a weird mix Twilight Sparkle, Starlight Glimmer, and Maud Pie from MLP:FiM.

hopefully this provides something insightful and is at least semi-accurate. i usually do better analyzations on my @analyzing-people-like-hell account where i'm given a list of characters to work with, so if you want i'd gladly redo an analyzation over there. however i have been way off my analyzation grind so i make no promises on how long that'll take lolll. either way, my bad if this isn't all that accurate, but it was super fun to look through so thank you for the content B))

[the-sparkling-diamond-satine]

3, 11, 16, 18, 25, 29, 47, 54, and 57 for the get to know your fic writer questions :) <3 !!!

Get to know your fic writer! Asks

3. Describe the creative process of writing a chapter/fic

I'm so sorry, I do not know. It just...happens? For me I most often start with whatever scene popped into my head first as the basis for the idea. Then I sort of plot my way outwards (how did we get here = beginning and middle. where are we going = end) then write it from start to finish. ...Apparently I do know. Jk. Earlier statement redacted

11. Link your three favorite fics right now

so hallowed and so gracious by nowrunalong. Buffy is wishing for a piece of chocolate cake and a cup of coffee when she enters her kitchen to find a ghost reading the newspaper.

Buffy/Anya fic OF ALL TIME. It's what really got me interested in shipping them. I've reread this more times than I can count.

Body Language by explosionshark. Buffy and Faith have always communicated best when they're not relying on words at all.

Buffy/Faith. It's so so so SO good!!!! Reread this a gazillion times.

Flowers for a Ghost series by aliceinwonderbra. When Buffy jumps into the the portal in The Gift, she wakes up in a new world. This series is comprised of Flowers for a Ghost, the story of canon Buffy in an Alt world, and The Girl from Away, the story of Alt Buffy in canon.

Buffy/Faith. The angst in this one hurt SO BAD I have only managed to read it once, but I think about it often.

16. How many fic ideas are you nurturing right now? Share one of them?

Asking me this is a mistake, the answer is TOO MANY + I will never shut up about my fic ideas so be careful haha. Jk, according to my list of MR! fic ideas: 152. At random from the list, here is a summary from one: "Christian's hand is shaking too much, his finger slips on the trigger, and he kills someone he never meant to hurt." So. That sounds like an enjoyable time :)) /s (there is something so wrong with me...in my defense there is also something so wrong with Christian)

18. Do you title your fics before, during, or after the writing process? How do you come up with titles?

It depends. Sometimes the title is the first thing in my mind and I craft the fic around that. Sometimes it's the very last thing added before I hit post.

25. What fic do you wish you got more of a response on?

more and darling, dearest, dead from MR! I consider them to be some of the best things I've ever written haha I'm proud of how they turned out!! And I want people to scream about them with me in the comments MORE PLEASEEEEE. *getting down on the ground* hereeeee comments, pspspspsps!!!!

He Slays Monsters. Always. It's my baby, but it's consistently lost readers overtime as people realized Buffy is likely gonna identify as [redacted] by the end. Redacted for spoilers but, it's obvious. People put it together, and they don't come back. *sigh* writing trans fic can really suck haha

29. What's your revision or editing process like?

Hell.

47. How many times do you usually revise your fic/chapter before posting?

Boring answer but: as many times as it takes before I'm happy with it. Could be once. Could be I'll sit on it for 6 months until posting. Idk how to explain but I can just feel if there's something off about it and if it has that feeling, I wait until I figure out why and fix it.

54. What's your favorite part about the fanfiction writing process?

Taking characters I love and making more content and stories for them!!!!!! Changing canon and watching what happens. Putting them in an AU and seeing how they're the same/different. Saving the blorbos!!! (Traumatizing the blorbos more...) Also: huge one for me is comments/asks/engagement from others in the fandom!!! I'm really awkward and have vampire autism (won't talk about The Thing unless invited) so I just make stuff and put it lovingly at everyone's feet like an offering and hope some of them come talk to me about this thing I worked so so hard on before I implode

57. Do you prefer editing as you write, or waiting until it's finished?

I have to actively stop myself from editing as I write, but it always goes better when I do.

[replicasoul]

💛 - if you are comfortable sharing, what is your headcount? do you keep track of it? / 📼 - do you have any non-human alters? if yes, which species are the majority of them? / 🌱 - do you have a headspace? if yes, describe it! if no, do you want one?

finally getting around to these 💛 - honestly No Idea at this point. there are about 5-7 ppl who front super regularly. We Think. there might be more, its hard to tell. there are definitely More who likely front less often and are more like. internally-inclined? idk how to put that. but we havent actually taken the time to do any sort of Count. and i feel like it could fluctuate wildly over time (it has before). so Who Knows. mayb we should start that 📼 - literally none of the members of our system identify as like. Human. all of us have weird kin shit going on that is EXTREMELY prevalent for us in terms of identity/gender stuff, but which we pretty rarely Actually talk about. one of the things that complicates this, though, is that while there are Patterns that we have wrt what forms/kin things/etc each system member Tends to gravitate towards, none of those are set in stone and All of the 'usual' things span multiple 'species' or whatever you want to call them. so like. we have a lot of yknow. forms/gender/kin stuff that are Robots, Object Heads, Monsters, Aliens, Objects In General (especially living swords or machines), Furries, Plushes, Pooltoys, Balloon Dogs, Cryptids, Suits (think like. lethal company employees or HUNK from resident evil), etc. etc. etc. etc. and different system members might stray more towards some of those forms than others, but its honestly all over the place and is really confusing to keep track of. which is part of the reason we rarely talk about kin stuff at all (the other big reason being shame/embarrassment, but thats a different issue) but essentially it boils down to 1. figuring out who the fuck is even fronting 2. figuring out what form or kin or w/e that person is feeling like and both of those can switch multiple times even on a single day so the short answer i guess is: none of use ID as human In The Slightest, but as for What we are, its fucking complicated 24/7

🌱 - yes, but its been something thats been a lot fuzzier as of recent, and we generally feel less-inclined to try and mess with it these days (always feels like a waste of time, even though it can be helpful; it used to be) our headspace has Weird mechanics and is weirdly consistent. we've always been pretty naturally good at like. mapping/figuring out Physical Spaces and such, so i guess that makes sense, but it's been wild to describe it to other plural folks w/ headspaces and have them essentially go "no mine isnt like that at all, what the fuck" we have actually based a couple of different writing projects around it (Prismic Sanctum and Oubliette specifically, both are older projects not currently updating, but still worth a potential read) and continue to mess with it as a worldbuilding concept here and there if i had to boil it down: it's a massive collection of various areas that are all in a consistent layout, that could be mostly mapped out with cardinal directions. so like, if you travel North from Area A, you end up in Area B. you will Always end up there. same thing with traveling through doors, etc. some spaces are vague about distance (like the forest between the mass of highways hanging over a void and the big ashen wasteland; traveling through it has different, inconsistent travel times) but Directions are pretty much always set in stone, even then. physical space also doesnt always make sense. you may go to the 2nd floor of a 4-story apartment building, find a trapdoor in an apartment, go up into it, and end up in a castle that cant physically exist at the same time as the apartment building. but, that trapdoor will ALWAYS lead to that place, so locations are just about Always consistent the type of locations also vary wildly. often theyre either places that are possible in the real world but a bit Off (like an elementary school where gravity outside/on the playground is reversed so you can fall into the sky, or a mansion where the physical space is larger or smaller in comparison to you depending on what doors you walk through), or, theyre entirely surreal spaces that are completely impossible (like the aforementioned clump of many highways suspended over a black void that are lit by yellow streetlights, or the basement thats several miles wide with varying ceiling heights, or the motel where every room leads to some different, impossible space) it can be genuinely fun and interesting to """""Explore""" it, even though i know its just our brain generating all the weird spaces. its like one of those homemade TTRPG games that you play by yourself, where even though a Lot of it is coming from your own imagination, its still fun to mess around with

[wainwrightjakobshammerlock]

what are your influences/inspirations for your art!! like, stylistically or thematically!

visual art, stylistically:

the Borderlands artstyle obviously. cel shading and outlines my fucking beloved. I am so fucking sad that gbx themselves is kinda toning down on it and that they didn't implement the crosshatch shader they put in teasers for bl3. come the fuck on

the Psychonauts artstyle. even if I do no longer draw in the hyperdeformed style I took from that game I still often deform characters and exagerrate their main features in order to make them more distinct. it also kinda made me addicted to shape language lolmao

Team Fortress 2. I am fucking serious btw. blame that one youtube video on its artstyle. it's been a formative experience for me when I watched it and it stuck itself in my brain. it made me appreciate blockiness/solidity/stockiness in art, as well as teaching me how to limit color palettes and how to draw attention to the important parts of the character by using color contrast.

as for actual artists and not. Video Games. I have been eyeing cubists and futurists recently (even went to a gallery with some of Picasso's earlier works) but it's nothing too substantial as of rn

visual art, thematically:

most of what I draw is characters & fanart so. yeah .

however one thing I've been enjoying recently is redrawing paintings or old photos. usually replacing the ppl in them with my fave old man yaoi. maybe it's cringe but they are a very "love in every time" sort of couple to me so :shrug:

literary art, stylistically:

positivist writing, particularly Lalka by Bolesław Prus. perhaps it's because I consider myself academically inclined, perhaps it's because naturalistic descriptions pander to my Biology Autism, perhaps it's bc of smth else idk

impressionism except not really bc im autistic and thus sensory descriptions come to me naturally

Terry. Pratchett. comparisons in my fics are often snappy(tm) as all fuck because they're, well, Borderlands fics, and to me a Borderlands novel should be Discworld-like. also because Discworld itself slaps

the work of Alexis Kennedy: the guy who wrote a lot of Fallen London, Cultist Simulator and also the Horizon Signal dlc for Stellaris. which is all shit im into. and good lird . its hard to describe you have to read this stuff for yourself

literary art, thematically:

again see the visual art section but largely my fics if they aren't self indulgent fluff are just. taken from my brain tee em because I cover topics or angles that the rest of the fandom wouldn't even think of

Alexis Kennedy again bc he writes gothic/cosmic horror. especially the latter. hoo doggy

other things that in general inspire me:

Darkest Dungeon. both the artstyle and the story have been big influences on me even tho I only played the game once and know everything abt it by watching youtube and bingereading wikis

the legacy of H. P. "Racist" Lovecraft. I guess. what can I say I am a sucker (haha) for those tentacles. except I do everything he ever did sexier and cooler and also he can go roll in his grave

legends, folklore, mythology and occultism. Hellenic of course since that's a big part of Borderlands symbolism but I ain't a coward I throw all that shit in there. slavic (creator bias lollll), norse, japanese, a bit of voudoun, biblical tradition, alchemy, tarot, et cetera. of course I usually don't talk about all the symbols that go into my Everything bc there's a crapton and everyone is entitled to their own interpretations but. yknow! and thats not even accounting for my love of assigning complex motifs to things

[kani-a3]

Hi, just in case you miss my reblog of your tags when I block you, you're a transphobe and I hope you get the fuck over yourself someday soon. :)

Me? Get over myself? I'm not the one going out of my way to tell someone I'm blocking them. Get off your high horse. Those drugs aren't good for animals. People like this always take the most bad-faith interpretation possible.

So I've been sitting on this for awhile trying to decide if I wanted to bother replying. Obviously, this person won't see it, unless they go out of their way to check on me for some reason. But this is a topic that I have opinions on that can be difficult to communicate the nuances of, especially with how polarized it is. So I'm using this as an opportunity to sort through my thoughts.

And I have a lot of thoughts, so buckle up.

For context, I've included screenshots of what the person is talking about. The first set of tags is mine, the rest is theirs.

The whole trans concept is a concept. There's an ideology to it. Maybe that wasn't the best way to phrase it, and I apologize for that. But everything is a concept, and that's not necessarily bad. Chill.

It's hard to explain my personal feelings. This isn't a perfect analogy, but it's similar to how I feel about doing drugs. I would never do it, I don't understand why it's appealing to anyone, and I don't recommend anyone do it. But I try not to look down on people who do, and I recognize there are exceptions for medical uses. Minors shouldn't be allowed to do it, but adults can mess themselves up however they want so long as they don't hurt anyone, and a doctor should not lie about the effects it has, or recklessly enable it.

I believe a person needs to be diagnosed with gender dysphoria, go through therapy for at least a year, and rule out less drastic treatment methods before being allowed to medically transition(social transition is a different topic that I don't care to discuss right now. So mentions of transition in this post will refer to the medical variety unless otherwise stated). You might be born gender dysphoric, or more masculine/feminine than usual, idk, but being Trans is not something you innately ARE, it's something you BECOME. I don't think anyone is trans until they actually transition. Before that, they're simply gender dysphoric.

Cross-sex hormones and puberty blockers are something that we do not know all the effects of, especially on children(who are still developing and thus have more unpredictable variables in play). Minors should never be allowed to transition. There are too many variables to reliably diagnose chronic gender dysphoria vs other causes of discomfort. (To be clear, I'm using "chronic" as a way to describe a condition that won't simply go away or be grown out of, and requires treatment). People who are not gender dysphoric should not transition, as it is a completely unnecessary risk and I feel it is malpractice for a doctor to allow it. Side note, but gender-affirming surgeries are just cosmetic surgeries and body modification.

I feel the same about medications too. Especially for kids. Meds for AHDH, depression, anxiety, birth control, etc. All meds have risks associated with them. We're altering the way the body naturally functions and pretending to know and control what happens. We do not know all the ways those meds can affect the human body and mind long-term(and it can be different for every individual, doubly so for minors. Deciding whether to introduce meds is a risk vs benefit scenario, especially for kids. If the problem can be treated or sufficiently managed without making a person reliant on drugs, it should be done first. But if the problem is too severe for those less medicalizing treatments, then getting on meds and such should be considered. Because at that point, the benefit outweighs the risk. (For context, I am an adult with diagnosed anxiety and take meds for it. Before taking meds, I tried the normal stuff like exercise and meditation and whatnot, but I was still a mess. I wish meds weren't necessary for me, but they seem to be. I am also ace, so does that make me queer? Or am I disqualified for having the "wrong" opinion?)

The cause of gender dysphoria can vary greatly. This person has latched heavily onto my mention of neurodivergence and assumed I only meant autism, but it's far more multifaceted than that. Gender dysphoria is the condition, and transition is a potential treatment. But the possible underlying causes should be addressed BEFORE considering transition as a treatment.

Maybe some people are born with it, or at least develop it very early with no external causes. I don't have stats, but I feel this is a minority.

Gender Non-Conformity: Some people are simply naturally feminine men/masculine women and they feel that isn't acceptable for whatever reason. So whether or not they are conscious of the reasons for that dysphoria, they feel a societal pressure to transition because they don't fit the gender norms. Others are gay and are in denial over it and choose to "trans the gay away" instead of accept that aspect of themselves. This is common in places like the Middle East, where homosexuality is highly stigmatized and persecuted.

Paraphilia: Some people are just attracted to or aroused by exposing themselves to others, cross dressing, or perceiving themselves as the opposite gender. I'm inclined to think a "trans" woman who exposes male genitalia in woman's spaces and loudly insists that others accept it, no matter how uncomfortable or triggering is could be for others, is not actually gender dysphoric. Drag Queens are not trans, and neither are these people.

Trauma: Some kids suffer from severe trauma, and gender dysphoria can develop as a result. A child suffering from sexual abuse, for example, may rationalize that maybe if they were the opposite sex, they wouldn't have been hurt. So as they develop, they take on traits of the opposite sex to cope with their trauma and become dysphoric. It may not be the most rational of responses, but trauma responses seldom are, especially in kids. Plus, there are cases of DID(Disassociative Identity Disorder) where some alters are different genders from the system's host/body. DID is caused by trauma at a specific age which causes a level of disassociation that splinters into multiple identities(personalities) separated by amnesia walls within the mind. The individual identities carry different parts of the trauma to compartmentalize and cope in order to protect the "host"(the "main" or "primary" identity). Some of the identities develop gender or age dysphoria as a part of their coping mechanism. It's honestly fascinating to observe the variety of ways DID systems will cope with trauma.

Neurodivergence: I have various relatives on the autism spectrum. My sister is high functioning, and a few cousins were diagnosed with Asperger's when that was still considered it's own diagnosis. When people live with a mental condition like that their entire life, they absolutely cannot tell what aspects of themselves is caused by the neurodivergence, what is caused by trauma, what is "normal", or what is just normal for the individual. It would be unfair to assume they can parse out all of that when it's even a struggle for neurotypical people. And there is more to neurodivergence than just autism. Some people don't consider depression/anxiety and such as neurodivergence. But I will when it's chronic/clinical because it is a mental disorder characterized by abnormal brain function. So when I'm having trouble with anxious thoughts, it's difficult to tell what is a reasonable concern(because everyone has occasional feeling of anxiety) vs me just overreacting because of my mental condition. The same applies to depression, self harming behavior, suicidal ideation, etc. I have a friend who took a while to realize she was schizophrenic because she couldn't tell that the extra voices in her head was an abnormal experience. To reiterate, this point is about how people with neurodivergence can't always tell when their experience is abnormal because they have always had this experience and it is normal to them. Recognizing what is different about yourself is a learned skill. Gender dysphoria may or may not occur along with various different neurodivergent conditions.

Autism: One common trait of autism is a male-typical pattern of interaction. Women/girls tend to be more socially/emotionally driven while men are more object/goal driven. This does not apply to everyone, as it is just a broad pattern of typical gender traits. Autistic people tend to struggle with social and emotional relationships with others. So autistic girls in particular struggle to fit in with the other girls, and can feel they fit in better with the boys. But at the same time, the boys might feel weird about hanging with a girl(because of "cooties" behavior, which I'm using to describe the tendency for girls and boys to segregate themselves from each other). Overall, it's not that big of a leap for an autistic girl to conclude that she should actually be a boy and subsequently identify as transgender.

Social Contagion: People, particularly kids/teens, are desperate for an individual identity, but also to fit in and be part of a group. They want attention. And if they can't get "good" attention, they will absolutely settle for "bad" attention(misbehaving, lashing out, rule breaking, deviant/criminal behavior). Children do it all the time, especially with neglectful or strict parents. Dogs even do it, which is one reason they can become disobedient. Also, teens are at an age where they often place more value in their friends and social standing than in their family. So if their friends start identifying as various different LBGTQ+ identities, they will find a label to slap on themselves too so they can fit in. Siblings may follow in their footsteps and also find a label for the sake of a label. Nobody wants to be the straight cis friend these days. People crave a sense of belonging, while also being different from the larger majority for a sense of individuality. Some people choose to be theater kids, band kids, jocks, etc. to accomplish this. But if none of those appeal to them or they can't break into the group, they have to find something else. If people can get attention or validation or a sense of belonging by joining this exclusive trans club, they will. Previous generations were flappers, hippies, hipsters, emo/goth, etc. With insistence that, "it's not a phase, mom!" The biggest difference between those and this is the transgender movement has more permanent effects on the individuals within it, which are potentially harmful if we aren't careful.

Sense of Control: Some of these potentially underlying issues can overlap or cause each other. If the wrong condition is treated, it might not help. For example, anxiety can cause depression. But the depression is a symptom of the anxiety, so treating the depression doesn't solve the underlying cause. When people feel that something about their life is bad, so something about it has to change. And sometimes that something ends up being gender. They feel if they can control some aspect of themselves, things will improve. A girl might become so convinced she can't succeed because she's a girl that she instead decides her chances would be better as a boy. Or a boy is so burdened by the expectations of male gender roles that he thinks life would be easier as a girl. This would probably be coupled with other underlying factors such as depression. In a similar vein, skipping straight to a transition rather than addressing underlying conditions first won't ease the turmoil. If anything, it would make it worse. Because if you think transitioning would fix all your problems, and then it doesn't, it would make you feel more hopeless.

Puberty: First, young kids are exploring the world around them and that is often done through play. Trying on mom's shoes or messing with her makeup or playing with dolls and sparkles does not mean a young boy is a trans girl. And playing with dirt or toy trucks or wanting to play sports or hating dresses does not make a young girl a trans boy. Kids are just kids and should be left to play and explore. They observe reactions around them, and if being "trans" gets them praise, they will do it. Teens are going through a tumultuous and unstable phase of life where they are still searching for their own identity and trying things out. It is horrendously irresponsible to enable any impulsive life-altering choices. Puberty is uncomfortable and can cause temporary gender dysphoria in a lot of teens. I went through it too, before I had ever heard of the concept of transgenderism. I felt I didn't fit in with the other girls, so I wondered if I was born in the wrong body because I had a little more noticeable hair than the others. Most kids/teens will grow out of it. "Oh, puberty blockers just pause puberty to give kids a chance to decide" No, no, no. Puberty blockers were initially used as a way to chemically castrate sex offenders. I would never trust that for kids. And, ironically, if the kids don't go through their natural birth-sex puberty, they won't have enough of the needed tissue for a bottom surgery if they wanted to go that route. Which significantly increases the chances of potential complications associated with the surgery.

Side tangent, but still somewhat relevant, but I'm reminded of castrati. Castrato were men who were castrated as young boys before going through puberty(as opposed to eunuchs, who were castrated after puberty). They were stars of the opera because they retained the higher vocal range of a young boy, but with the lung capacity and power of a man. They were particularly common in areas that didn't allow women to perform, such as Italy. Because castrato were highly desired in the music industry, but had to be set on that path young, parents would have their pre-pubescent sons castrated around the ages of 8-12 to give them just the chance for this "lavish" career path. The operation wasn't legal, and considered barbaric even at the time, but parents would make up excuses such as falling off a horse or animal attack where the castration would be considered a treatment. But becoming an opera singer wasn't easy and required intense musical training. Castrati who didn't succeed in the field were relegated to a life of ridicule, poverty, and/or prostitution. The lack of testosterone could cause their bones to grow longer instead of harden, so they would be abnormally tall and have large rib cages(similar to gigantism), and be prone to conditions such as osteoporosis. Plus an increased tendency toward obesity. It was common to develop feminine features. Overall, they were seen as something of a "freak show." The practice slowly died off, but didn't really end until the early 1900's. Most castrati were forced into this lifestyle by desperate, poverty-stricken families. But the desired fortune didn't come for most, they were often ostracized for neither being a full man nor a woman, but rather something subhuman, and died in poverty and ridicule. It doesn't matter how well-meaning the family may or may not have been. The result was ruined lives.

I don't say any of this to invalidate the experience of gender dysphoria or of trans people. I say this because people are being hurt without proper safeguards. The suicide rate of trans people does not significantly change before or after transition. This suggests that transitioning itself does not treat the underlying cause of their misery. And the rate of detransitioners is rising because we are too quick to affirm feelings of transness and fail to filter out those who would end up regretting it because it was "just a phase". Then, once they become detrans, they're totally rejected by the trans community as "never trans in the first place". Even though the Detrans person transitioned in the first place because they believed they were trans and that a transition would solve their problems. It isn't fair to scorn them when it didn't work out for them. They still went through the experience of transitioning, which is still a valid trans experience.

Detrans people suffer irreversible harm that could have been totally preventable if their medical care providers had bothered to do any proper screening and pushback. If a person would truly benefit from a transition, then they could absolutely confirm that by going through the whole process. If they can't get through the process, then they shouldn't transition in the first place.

What is concerning is that suicide rates don't significantly change before/after transition, and most gender dysphoric people seem to have a some degree of trauma or mental illness in their background, which indicates to me that there is more going on than just being "born that way". And I think it is vital to the health and well-being of these people to acknowledge and explore why.

I don't think it's transphobic to believe gender dysphoria, and transgenderism by extension, can have underlying factors that should be looked into and thoroughly addressed before pursing a transition as a means to relieve distress.

[raysofdancinglight]

Idk why I am having such a hard time, emotionally rn. I really like this guy, but idk why. Everyone I talk about it with says I want to change him, and each time, I have to re-inform. I know that I can't change him. Secretly, I just really like him.

I love how he cares about his family. I love how he considers his future children. I love how he looks after this homeless guy who is his friend. I feel him, you know. I ... feel his struggles. I cant explain it. I can tell he is wrestling with something/stuff. I just ... I can't stop touching him. I have to physically hold back at times. I say I dont want to change him and its true but I do want to help him help himself.

Sometimes, I wonder if this is how some spirits care about us humans (on an individual level) bc I can't think of a better way to describe it. Like... I know this is probably one of the dumbest things I have ever done, but it feels necessary. I say dumb bc .... its probably not in my best interest to do this. Its something I can't help.

This is a ... thing I do I just realized. Not on purpose but I do it. Holy.. shit... this changes everything for me. Wow. Ok. I just blew my mind.

So I have these really long periods of silence where I don't have friends at all, I do a lot of inner work and my depression/cptsd/anxiety do their thing. Then I have these brief time periods [between 1 to about 5 years, depending] of time where I sort of... pick a person. Dont ask be how or why. IDK. I said before, I didnt even know I did this... but I do. I picked Tristan* and Gloria* (aliases) my supervisor.

I think I chose Tristan bc he reminds me of the kids I grew up with. I think that was one of the hardest things to watch and feel growing up. These are kids with really fucked up home lives and they had to find alternative spaces to allow certain parts of themselves to exist in.

idk... I have always felt really sorry for boys in general. They... feel stunted a lot of the time in ways that most femme presenting people do not.

I really wish I could get my bf to open up. I have a little more time with him. I... cant explain this to other people or even myself. I am really high rn which helps. But I really care about him. I wish he and I could really grow together. I fantasize about fantasizing about it. But I just have this.. knowing. I dont set out to do this, its just usually whay ends up happening in these situations. I do whatever I am supposed to do and then my times up. I always used to resent it bc I grow really fond and attached. I just want someone to stay.

Sometimes I feel like... I just want someone to choose ME. To fight for ME. I fight so hard for everyone until they literally push me away. I just want someone to stay.

I know someone will. I just have to get there.

I just... I feel like a punching bag. I need support. I can feel its coming. I just have to push through like I always do. I am just so tired. I feel like I might have to pull back soon. I think something is.. sort of sucking the energy out of me.

[lazy-ahh]

no, thank YOU for this response, i wasn't even expecting to get one and this was so sweet <3. and i do get it, art is sooo. ugh sometimes. but im proud of you for pushing through!

GOD, I GET IT. i hadn't even LOOKED at a sketchbook in months and randomly out of nowhere i get some primal urge to draw something, and ofc it looks nothing like i wanted it too and then i delete it. its not even unexpected at this point, this cycle has happened so many times. BUT recently ive not been doing that yay! im not sure if this happens with you, but i get struck with a random image that looks SO GOOD in my head, and when i go to draw it, it just.. looks bad. AND IT DOESNT EVEN MOST OF THE TIME, I JUST GIVE UP BEFORE I CAN ADD THE COLOURS AND SHADING TO MAKE IT LOOK GOOD. u might be my twin, bc everything u described in that reply is literally me. maybe we're just too much of perfectionists HAH.

but after sending that ask i stalked ur art dump (as you do ofc) AND OH MY GOD. ur damian sketch was SCRUMPTIOUS even as just a sketch. and ugh. that jason you drew?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

thats my thoughts on it. but genuinely, its a really beautiful piece, i love it!!

never apologise for rambling at me, as you can see, ill just ramble right back. and i get it about validation, i read ur reply and i was like THANK GOD SOMEONE ELSE STRUGGLES WITH THIS TOO. ill have a bunch of perfectly normal sketches and ill just.. rub them all out (when i was younger i even used to tear out the pages </3 wish i could go back and stop myself honestly)

as for the stuff i draw.. lately ive been trying this new method that makes me not want to rub everything out immediately. i go on pinterest and save a bunch of nice looking photos and when im in the mood, i go ahead and draw one of them! i find its a really nice way not to run out of inspo or motivation bc well theres so many photos on pinterest. its usually ppl in various fun-looking poses.

ive acc been trying to get into digital art (WHICH UR AMAZING AT <3) and.. jeepers it is HARD. i did sort of give up and go back to my roots of pencil and paper (ive never drawn digitally like ever lmao) and focus on traditional art instead. i feel like if i get confident in that, then i would be more confident with digital art, yk?

sorry for all the unsolicited talking, this isnt like proper advice, i just find that when im down abt my art or my writing or anything creative, some positive reinforcement works really well!

thank you for ur kindness as well! u were acc one of the first ppl to reblog my post, idk if u remember, it was one abt damian wayne. and u were the FIRST to say anything in the reblog (idk if im wording that right) and i cannot tell u how much it encouraged me. it was literally my second post and i was really grateful so i just.. followed u lol, but im happy i did! i think writing and art can be quite similar at times, and im glad i could make u at least feel a little validated, u really made me happy after all!

dude, everything you said is SO REAL. sometimes i’ll just be going about my day, minding my own business, and suddenly this perfect image pops into my head—so vivid, so cool—and i have to draw it. but then when i actually try? yeah… it never looks the way i imagined. and same, i don’t even let myself finish the messy sketch phase; the second it doesn’t match what’s in my head, i delete it because it feels hideous. even though, logically, i know that’s how art works—it’s not supposed to be perfect right away. but pushing past that mental block is so hard, so i’m seriously proud of you for managing to push through! and yeah… maybe we are just a little bit perfectionist.

and thank you so much!! the jason piece was such a journey—it was my first real attempt at colouring and rendering, so it took forever. but i’m glad i was in a good mood that day and didn’t let myself obsess over it being "perfect" right away. i literally love the jason piece even if it was a practice one. and the damian sketch… ahh, i’m so happy you liked it! you’ve honestly motivated me to try finishing it, so maybe i’ll actually update it soon.

and yooo, i do the pinterest thing too! i love browsing for poses or just studying other artists’ work to see how they handle colors and shading. anatomy has been kicking my butt lately, though—i get so frustrated with it that i’ve had to take a step back. maybe i’ll revisit it when i’m less annoyed with my own hands, hahahah.

i totally get the digital art struggle, too. when i first started, it felt so unnatural compared to traditional. there’s just something about pencil on paper that’s irreplaceable. but now? ironically, i struggle more with traditional art because i’ve gotten too used to digital—the layers, the lasso tool, the undo button… it’s hard to go back. whenever i doodle on paper, i find my fingers tapping on the paper to undo my mistake 💀 but there’s no wrong way to learn! whether you stick with traditional or dive into digital, it’s all progress, and both are totally valid.

i’m really glad we got to talk about this! you’re so right about positive reinforcement—it makes such a difference, no matter where you are in your art journey. and not just in art too, just in general honestly. and wait, you wrote that adorable damian wayne physical affection fic?? UGHHH, i LOVED it so much. it’s been living in my head rent-free for weeks. until now, i would still think about it here and there believe it or not. the sweetness in it inspires me and just makes me smile not gonna lie. even though it was short, it was perfect—the way you wrote him, the subtle warmth of it all… i can’t believe i didn’t realize it was you! i’m so happy you reached out, and i’m honestly honored that i could encourage you even a little. you absolutely deserve the love, though—your writing is wonderful!

[deniable-masterpiece]

youre right about that too, like to me hes always daddy. so no matter what i always think about us having a deeper connection with him emotionally, like he cant get rid of us and we cant get rid of him, sort of tied like that. its so hot to think hes balls deep in us and maybe we start getting some sense back, losing those high pitched whines and falling back into our deeper grunts so he pinches our nose to deprive us off oxygen which reverts us back to our "natural" state. no the peter thing would be hot too though, seriously.

im the same with choking, like i'd have to know im totally safe or something. mmm telling him we've had enough but hes like a dad to us so we know he has final say. STOP BIG DICK PETER YES. continuation of that other ask i sent in, like peter keeps explaining us in every detail what we did wrong like a nerdy friend in an argument meanwhile we cant take any of it in our brain because all activity in there has gone. need matt to crouch down to us and pinch our cheeks together and start shaking or nodding our head in response to questions, "you're a bad boy aren't you? yes you are." and his big hands make our weak head nod in agreement. peter we're bad around because hes our age but with older guys we're like so enamored by them which is why matt is siding with peter because he knows how we're like. ugh i know matt is hard on us because he loves us but i think its hot if peter does too, hes got a crush on us and when we make a fool of him, he takes it to heart. mmm like all the guys ship us with peter but we dont make it easy since we're so into matt. anyways. also yeah no i get you i meant like the choking stuff mainly since i usually like sweeter sex but mmm thinking about being choked close to (or even) passing out. mmm like us frotting with him makes us feel like "one of the guys", ofcourse we're cumming instantly all over his dick. maybe he can dick fuck us. RIGHT? i was so proud of it, the glasses idea is so hot, he's talking down to us by asking us questions like that. phewwwwwwww we feel his stubble as his begins kissing our cock while he keeps the arm of his glasses in our dickhole. its making me crazy like we should totally like start jerking in place like a crazy man and start begging - for what? we don't know but its so much at once. oh god it would be so hot if we did all that just because we wanted a kiss on the lips from matt, even in really kinky moments and placed on another guys cock, we need some intimacy with the man we love the most. - bow

Like omfg he really is the daddy to me. Just born dilfy, even younger pics of him serve dilf in a way that I can’t describe. And Matt himself just has that dad quality, especially the new season of born again where his hairless receded some and his beard got bigger but yk what else is having a recession MY CLOTHES. But I do agree on that cause I feel like even if there was no sex or romantic stuff, we’d just have that father/son dynamic to the point that we do sleep with him but for comfort and emotional satisfaction. He gets to fix his daddy issues by being a good father figure and we get ours satisfied through that omfg. I’m kinda living for that tho, like he defended us in a court case against our actual father when we were like 18 and the court wouldn’t help us because we weren’t a minor anymore so Matt takes the case and has an attachment to us by the end of it like we’re his kid and we’re more than open to it omfgggg. I just need that so bad. Right now. And yessss omfg like the oxygen comes back as we gasp and breathe deeply when he starts plowing us and that sends it back to our brain, we start thinking again and he’s like trying to get off to our bimbo side, so his big hand covers our mouth and the other pinches our nose mmmm. AND RIGHT big dick Peter with a huge swinger, going past our throat is a neeed (omg wait what did I say ab Peter in this part i forget and my MacBook died so this is getting written on iPad)

Idk it would be kinda hot for it to be impromptu and unexpected. Kinda, I don’t know if I’d like it irl but mmmm getting into a fight and his hand goes to your throat to shut you up. Peter covering your mouth with a web but you keep trying to talk and his hands are on your neck in seconds, Matt getting violent toooo ughhhh need. And yes omfg, he never listens to when we say it’s enough, it’s only enough when HE says it’s enough. Like a dad mmmm. AND YEAH BIG DICK PETERRRRRR. AND I mean big, like a real third leg with how long it is and half the width of his toned thigh.

Yessss omfg, Peter is fully one of those “well, actually” people and uses his intelligence to always correct your bimbo thinking, even in more serious topics. And yessss, dicking us down and trying to argue or explain his point in detail may not have been the best idea because you’re too focused on sex by then. AND OMFG YESSS Matt making us speak and agree because when can’t even get words out, teasing us in his daredevil suit ughhhhh and being so rough with our face. Takes off his gloves so we feel his callouses and roughed up hands cupping our face and making us go crazier. And yessss omfg like we’re definitely wayyy harder on Peter than Matt because we know not to mess with Matt, who’s older age demands respect and he also sees himself as holier than a slut like us. Even better if we’re usually a dick to Peter when we’re around him and Matt, like one dig Matt makes at Peter will get doubled down by us and we try to make ourselves look more desirable to Matt by being sweeter, prettier than Peter who’s less put together. But Matt actually sees Peter as a man (a boy, but a man nonetheless) and us as a catty bitch at times. He still likes us just as much as Peter, like that stuff we say when egging Peter on isn’t that bad, like maybe he just got clocked in the face by a thief and we don’t let it go for like ten minutes after it happened and laugh about it with Matt. They still both love us but Peter’s more bitter about it and Matt is empathetic with him even though he loves us. And omfg yessss, since Matt is kinda in his own world and only really is close with Peter, everyone ships us with Peter since they see us as a duo but kinda neglect Matt being a romantic candidate because of his age and separation form other heroes. And even if Matt doesn’t (or doesn’t want to) reciprocate it, we can’t really just settle for Peter because we don’t love him the same as Matt. and same, I like rough sex but sweet sex with feelings is also good. But omfg I need to be choked out until I pass out by a man. Need it sb

Like omfg I think we talked about Bucky fronting us and yessss that would be so hot. Like nevermind we’re getting double penetrated or just regularly fucked in the back, he still wants us to feel good and we’re cumming so fast from it. And omfg dick fucking is so hot, I love the idea that he could just put his dick down ours or vice versa and talk about how good of a pussy it makes but it’s like painful for us cause it shouldn’t be stretching like that to fit his dick omg. AND YESSS ITS SO HOT, I need him playing with our balls and teetering on the line of nearly pinching them, but being careful enough to pinch the skin of our scrotum and just playing with it, twisting it, stretching and pinching it harder with his metal arm too ugh. AND YEAH THE SOUNDING IDEA IS SO HOTTTTT. Like his glasses arm is thick and curved and he’s pushing it into our cock and making it bend a little bit because of the curve for the hook shaped part that goes behind his ears. AND YES WAIT, we had to do alllll of that to just get a kiss from him and have to do even more to get him to fuck us in the ass. And omfg yes, I love that through all of this, Matt is our main man. We’re lucky that he lets other people have us and use us, even if they’ve got a bigger dick like big dick Peter or some interesting kinky appendages like Bucky’s metal arm. Matt is still the one supervising all of it, watching, guiding us through it so we don’t make him look bad for having a bad boy that can’t take dick or cums too early. Maybe that’s why he sounds us with the most readily available thing, or shoves his dick in our dick so we don’t cum from Bucky blowing our back out and stuff

Again, I wrote this on my iPad so my b if there’s any commas cause the comma and period are next to each other on the digital keyboard so Ijbol

I need to write more Matt like yesterday,,, I know you’re not into it but I already have an oomf that I was discussing with about writing another scat fic for Matt omg