#idk it was kind of both of our faults and I sent her an apology later

[minorillusion]

Had a bad appointment with my psychiatrist this morning and didn’t even get my meds refilled 😔

[florent1s]

:o

I apologize in advance for how much I’ve typed out. I’ve finally been able to catch up and decided to pour all of my thoughts here sjxbsj.

Chapter 5 thoughts:

“But what about all of those anatomically-correct cock illustrations in your medical books?” Aegon wtf 😭

“Waste no time, Lord Larys,” Aegon says. “I fear Grandsire’s ire has exhausted me. He’s more ferocious than a dragon. We should find a saddle that fits, perhaps Criston could ride him to the Riverlands.” PLS AKDNWND

“You have to fix this. You have to end it.”

“I know,” Aemond replies softly.

“Everything that’s happened is your fault.”

“I know,” Aemond says again, then rips free from Otto’s grasp and flees the room.

Aemond is such a complex character and I love how well you write him. You can’t help but feel for him but at the same time go “wtf is wrong with you” whenever he does something so bizarre 😭

“She’s always muttering the strangest things. Caterpillars and crabs and dragons and only the gods know what else. Yesterday she told me not to dance with the half-year queen. What the fuck does that mean?”

Does something happen between Autumn and Rhaenyra??? Ever since Angel told Autumn to pack her things and she responded with “what things?” I’ve had a soft spot for her :((. I don’t like how she called Helaena inbred girly is just unique okay! Sjdbsjdn

Chapter 6 thoughts:

Okay I’m kind of worried about Autumn. She wanted to go back to King’s Landing for Everett but the fact that Helaena told her “don’t dance with the half year queen” is so scary. I’m worried either something will happen to her or she’ll end up trusting Rhaenyra in some way and telling her things… idk 😵‍💫

I also love how understanding Everett is towards Angel and their bond. You can tell he cares about her a lot. I mean he messed up her chambers so people would believe she was “kidnapped”. But anywaysss a part of me hopes something happens between Autumn and Everett they seem kinda cute so far.

Chapter 7 thoughts:

“Helaena,” Aegon says, his voice lethargic and eyes still closed. “She brings me things. Butterflies, crabs, snakes. Things that are reborn. She puts them in my hands or in my bed and won’t take them away when I ask her to. She keeps telling me: Don’t fall, don’t fall.”

ERMMMMMMMM I swear they need to start taking Helaena seriously. She’s saying it/showing up in dreams for a reason 😭

They killed Autumn’s baby :(( ughhhh. I wish she would’ve just stayed with Angel but now they don’t even know where she is. I hope she’s okay.

“And I assume there has been no shortage of…horizontal activities with my brother.”

“Not exclusively horizontal,” you snap, to make him regret being so forward, to make him uncomfortable. “We are more inventive than that.”

LMAO PLS Angel’s relationship is so complicated but so infesting at the same time

“There are other Targaryens” BITCH PLEASE AEMOND. He really went “I’m sorry I sent you to a whorehouse, I have unhealed trauma. But… just so you know we need an heir on our side. Aegon isn’t the only Targaryen” KXNSJX

I don’t know if he truly had complicated feelings towards Angel or he only wants her or feels this way because of what Aegon said about Aemond always wanting things that are his.

… not Baela going to Dragonstone. Damn it’s like no one can catch a break in TWICD 😂

Chapter 8 thoughts:

“I can end this war,” Aemond swears to you as the full moon rises and the waves crash against the shore. “I can make things right again. I can end it. I can win.”

Okay I can’t help but feel like this is alluding to the Battle Above the God’s Eye when both Daemon and Aemond die 🥴

Chapter 9 thoughts:

You take Baela’s letter to the rookery, open it, examine it carefully for the subtleties of her handwriting: slopes and dots and lines. Then you get a fresh piece of parchment and painstakingly draft a very different message. Not a plea for help, but an assurance that all is well; not a summons to Dragonstone, but a confirmation that the castle was found to be unoccupied and is now held firmly by Baela and Moondancer.

Okay, I see you Angel she fr be playing everyone.

SHE KILLED BAELA WHAT? JXBSJX I thought the tea was just gonna make her sleep so she’s not conscious all the time. Until I read “you nick Baela’s wrist” well damn 🧍🏻‍♀️

Aegon turns to Aemond. “Is there anything left of the Riverlands these days? Should we find a new name for them? The Smolderlands, perhaps? The Everything-Is-Dead-Here-Now-Lands?” This made me laugh.

…. WELL

I mean I’m kind of shocked that they ended up sleeping together but at the same time I’m not? I feel like something intimate was bound to happen between Angel and Aemond. I’m just super conflicted because it feels like Aemond just did what he did to take what was Aegon’s but at the same time it also felt like he actually did have some feelings for Angel?? Idk SJBDSJX (idk but I feel like Angel will end up pregnant after this and everyone is just gonna be like 🧍🏻‍♀️) is it bad I want Angel to have both Aegon and Aemond? Maybe…

But now miss Alys is in the picture and idk how that’s gonna play out. I feel like he’s going to like Alys because of the way she makes him feel and I think that with everything that happened there’s definitely going to be some drama. But I remember when Helaena told Angel “He’ll leave you. Then you’ll leave him. He’ll make you.” But I’m not sure if it was just because Rhaenyra took over King’s Landing and he was forced to leave. But Helaena said Aegon would make her leave so that has me thinking that it’s about something in the future.

I’m so excited and kind of anxious about what will happen next! I always love your writing. The emotions and the way you set up the scenes makes you feel like you’re actually there and feeling those exact same things. Eee love it bestie! 🤍🫶🏼 I’ve been kinda busy which is why I kind of mushed every thought I had from chapter 5-9 (so sorry if it’s a lot to read 😭)

When The World Is Crashing Down [Chapter 9: We’re Friends When You’re On Your Knees]

Series summary: Your family is House Celtigar, one of Rhaenyra’s wealthiest allies. In the aftermath of Rook’s Rest, Aemond unknowingly conscripts you to save his brother’s life. Now you are in the liar of the enemy, but your loyalties are quickly shifting…

Chapter warnings: Y'all, you are not ready for this one. Language, warfare, violence, serious injury, alcoholism/addiction, sexual content (18+), murder, Aemond "there are other Targaryens" Targaryen having feelings again (good ones?? not good ones?? both?? who knows bestie, not me!), an unexpected family reunion, must be the season of the witch... 👀

Series title is a lyrics from: "7 Minutes In Heaven" by Fall Out Boy.

Chapter title is a lyric from: "Our Lawyer Made Us Change the Name of This Song So We Wouldn’t Get Sued" by Fall Out Boy.

Word count: 8.4k.

Link to chapter list: HERE.

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You watch her from the shadows of the dungeons, rusted iron, phantom echoes of falling water, chilling drafts that come from nowhere and everywhere. She has not yet noticed you. She is beautiful, regal, arrogant, even as she sits gnawing on crusts of bread and the gristle of chicken bones, scraps that Lord Larys throws to her like she’s a pig nosing its way through a trough, an animal that is clever and yet condemned. And if she is livestock, then what are you? A creature of darkness, of nightfall, lethal and treacherous, a wolf or a bat or a spider. You step forward and into a ray of light that cuts across the stones like the path of a comet.

Baela gasps and drops the tibia she’d been working on, cracking it in two, sucking out the dead-blood marrow. Her wide-set, almond-shaped eyes catch on you. She is not afraid; you have never known Daemon Targaryen’s eldest daughter to be afraid of anything. She is fascinated.

“I’m sorry,” she says, crawling across the floor of her cell. She grips the metal bars and peers out at you, kneeling there like she’s praying. You suspect Baela has never prayed to anyone or anything. “I didn’t mean to almost burn you. I didn’t realize you were standing on the steps with him until after I’d given Moondancer the order. It all happened so quickly.”

You cannot appear to be angry. You have no reason to be angry if you are Aegon’s captive. “I take no offense. I wasn’t harmed.”

“No one had any idea the Usurper was here,” Baela says. Still her eyes are bright, entranced. “We believed Dragonstone to be vacant.”

Good. You give her a dismal smirk. “No. Not so vacant after all.”

“Are you with child yet?”

A bolt shoots down your spine like cold lightning. “What?”

“That’s what he’s trying to do, isn’t it?” Baela says. “He wants an heir from you. His wife is dead, his sons are dead. He couldn’t get his claws on me or Rhaena. But you can give him a Valyrian-blooded prince.”

Aegon has never mentioned having children with you. You don’t know if this means he doesn’t want them, or if he does not wish to place demands upon you, or if he is indifferent, or if he believes it to be impossible. “I have nothing to show for his efforts yet.”

“Has it been unspeakably awful?” And if Baela seeks to console, this is secondary to her personal interest; she is curious, she is absorbed. Her fingers close more tightly around the iron bars. “He’s a drunk, a degenerate. He’s vile. He’s deformed. Has he tortured you? Has he violated you in a hundred different ways? Does he tie you down, does he strike you, does he cut and bruise you?”

And this is the Blacks’ story, one they could never begin to suspect might be fiction: that you are a martyr, that Aegon is a monster. In place of an answer, you give Baela the treasures you have brought her. You pass them through the gaps between the bars: a bottle of ink, parchment, a quill with a point like a blade.

Baela takes these objects, amazed. “You can help me send a letter back to Harrenhal?”

“I don’t know if I will be able to get to the rookery. But I’ll try.”

“The Usurper allows you this much free rein?”

He trusts me. He loves me. He’s bedbound and in agony. “He’s rather distracted at the moment.”

“He’s dying, hopefully,” Baela says. She has already begun to write. And there’s a reptilian sort of coldness that is snaking deeper into you, constricting around your bones, gliding through the blood-slick chambers of your heart, too much a part of you to ever rip out. But now Baela’s face softens. She looks up dolefully. “Moondancer, she’s…she’s gone, isn’t she?”

You bow your head as if this is something tragic. “She did not survive Sunfyre’s attack.”

“Fucking beasts,” she seethes, resuming her writing. “When my father learns of this, he and Caraxes will come to rescue us. And he will burn the Usurper alive.” She finishes her letter, rolls up the parchment, and hands it back to you.

“How will Daemon know that you authored this and under no duress?”

“My signature,” Baela says, grinning. “I end all of my correspondence to him with Your ever-obedient daughter. It is a joke between us. If it was absent, he would notice. His suspicions would be aroused. That is how I would signal if I was ever forced to write to him against my will.”

There is dark satisfaction like a spell shimmering in your arteries, nerves, the void-black pupils of your eyes. You return her smile. “Perfect.”

“Don’t fear,” Baela tells you, and reaches through the rusted iron bars to clasp your hand. You fight the reflex to tear away from her, this woman who certainly maimed Aegon and might have killed him. You find yourself studying her, measuring her height and weight, calculating how much milk of the poppy it would take to end her life. “Cregan Stark is south of the Neck now. He will move heaven and earth to possess you, everyone knows that. Soon we will have Northmen marching through the Riverlands with Caraxes and Sheepstealer safeguarding them from above. And after the Riverlands they will be in the Reach, and then finally King’s Landing to stabilize the capital. The Usurper and Sunfyre cannot fight. Daeron is scarcely more than a boy. The Betrayers are avaricious, overconfident drunks. The Greens will be vanquished before winter.”

“And what about Vhagar?”

“Together, Caraxes and Sheepstealer can bring her down.” But there is doubt in Baela’s voice, yes, a vacillation that is rarely heard from her.

“I hope so,” you reply, one of countless lies.

You take Baela’s letter to the rookery, open it, examine it carefully for the subtleties of her handwriting: slopes and dots and lines. Then you get a fresh piece of parchment and painstakingly draft a very different message. Not a plea for help, but an assurance that all is well; not a summons to Dragonstone, but a confirmation that the castle was found to be unoccupied and is now held firmly by Baela and Moondancer.

And you end the letter before tying it to a leg of the raven trained to fly to Harrenhal:

Your ever-obedient daughter, Baela Targaryen

~~~~~~~~~~

“Please eat something, Your Grace. I beg you.” Lord Larys Strong’s face is creased with servile, attentive worry. On the plate before you is fresh, warm bread and a dish of salted butter. In your bowl is a crab soup thick with vegetables, the broth tomato-based and red like Autumn’s hair, like blood.

“I can’t.”

“Would you like me to bring you something else? I could have the chefs prepare roast chicken, or duck, or boar…”

“No.” You push the bowl of soup away. You and Larys are alone in the Great Hall, seated at the high table which presides over a silent, vacuous chamber. The room was built to resemble a dragon lying on its belly; the entranceway is its mouth, two massive doors edged with stone teeth. There are dragons everywhere, these talismans of Aegon’s house, these creatures that are monsters to some and saviors to others.

Larys studies you closely. His voice is tender. “Your Grace, please. Can I do anything for you?”

You consider him, an enigma that is useful and subtle and dogged in his loyalty. “What is it that binds you so faithfully to Alicent and her children, Lord Larys? House Strong was so favored by Rhaenyra. Her heirs were your blood, no matter how much she tried to deny it. You could have risen high in the Black Council. Make no mistake, I am very thankful for your service to the Greens. I am glad to count you among the greatest of our fortunes. But what inspired you to turn your coat?”

Larys smiles at you. He has eyes like rain, the wavy abundant brown hair of his spurned family. His hands rest on the handle of his cane. “Your eldest brother is an acclaimed swordsman.”

“Yes,” you agree, caught off-guard.

“And so was mine,” Larys says. “House Strong, is it any wonder what we valued most? My father loved Harwin. He was so fiercely proud of him. He was interested in him, he understood him. They would whisper to each other all through feasts, all through tourneys, conspiring, chortling, enmeshed in this synergy that left no air for anyone else to breathe.”

“And your father never understood you.” Just like Bartimos Celtigar overlooks Everett, a son gifted with books and quills instead of horses and swords. “Never even tried to.”

“It is a terrible thing to be in the midst of your family and yet feel alone.”

“It is,” you say, remembering the Blacks’ festivities in King’s Landing.

“Now Lyonel and Harwin Strong whisper to no one,” Larys says, his smile widening into a dark, victorious grin. “And I am the Master of Whisperers.”

You remember the words that Otto Hightower spoke to you as he waited for his execution in the dungeons of the Red Keep: These dark, contagious facets of life change us all. They ruins us. Time, heartache, violence. You become capable of inconceivable things. You would scheme and deceive. You would murder. “Do you ever regret it?” you ask Larys softly. Becoming a sinner, a killer, a kinslayer.

“Never,” he replies. “Dowager Queen Alicent was the first person to ever truly listen to me. To make me feel worth something. Worth anything. To advance her interests in every way possible…that cannot be an injustice. It is the cleanest kind of loyalty. And I have no doubt my sacrifices will be repaid. If the Greens triumph, that is. When this war is over, Alicent’s son must sit the Iron Throne.”

“You mean Aegon.”

“Yes, of course.” But something mournful passes over Larys’ face like a shadow; he peers down at his hands to hide this from you.

He doubts Aegon will live. He foresees Aemond or Daeron inheriting the throne instead. You stand from the table, your chair squealing shrilly against the stone floor. “We should bring the king his supper,” you tell Larys. “He needs his strength.”

Aegon does not like you to be there when the maesters prod at him, scrub his wounds, rebandage his shattered legs. You were once his healer, yes, but now he believes you to be his wife. He does not want to be your patient. He does not want you to see him as a wounded man writhing in bed, as someone helpless, pathetic, weak, doomed.

The maesters are just finishing when you arrive with a tray of buttered bread and fresh soup, steam rising from the bowl of red like entrails that litter the earth once a battle has ended. The maesters are gathering up bloody strips of linen to be burned. Aegon is sobbing; his silver hair hangs in chaotic waves, both hands cover his face.

Your voice is hushed and heartbroken. “Aegon…”

“No, I’m okay,” he says, sniffling, mopping the tears from his cheeks with his bare palms. Then he reaches out to you. “Come here, come here, come here.”

You go to him, sliding the tray onto his bedside table until it clinks against the glass bottles there: rose oil, red wine, milk of the poppy. You climb onto the bed and Aegon’s arms circle around your waist, pulling you in closer as he buries his face in the warmth of your chest, your throat, covering you in hurried, imprecise kisses. Dimly, you wonder what he tastes when he breathes you in; you wonder what colors bloom in the sunless passages of his lungs.

“I missed you,” he murmurs. You can feel the dampness of his tears on your bare skin, the roughness of his scars.

“I was only gone for a few hours.”

“Too long,” he says. “Far too long. How’s Sunfyre?”

“He’s down on the beach, Your Grace,” Larys answers from the doorway where he has materialized like stars at dusk.

“Is he eating? Ambulatory? Wading in the water?”

“He’s…” Lord Larys hesitates. “He seems to be in a great deal of discomfort.” And yes, you know this to be true: Sunfyre the Golden’s wings hang in shreds, his wounds are inflamed with infection, and there is something wrong with him inside as well, a wheezing when he inhales, blood that seeps from his nostrils and his jaws. There’s nothing anybody can do for him. No one can touch him but Aegon, and Aegon can’t leave his bed.

Aegon says to Larys, low and sinister: “I want Baela dead. I want her burned.”

“She is far more valuable to you alive, Your Grace.”

“I am the king and I wish her to die.”

“Corlys Velaryon is her grandsire,” Larys implores. “If he discovers you executed Baela, he may recommit himself to Rhaenyra’s side. He may launch his own rebellion even after Rhaenyra is defeated. If you wish to win and keep the Iron Throne, I advise you to spare her.”

Aegon sighs and glares out the window that overlooks the Narrow Sea, his arms still linked around your waist. You begin to weave his braid for him. “Aegon,” you say gently. “We’ve brought you supper. Please eat it.”

“I’m afraid I’m too nauseated by my own inadequacy. Perhaps later.”

“You want to be well again. And you will be. But you have to eat.”

“I really don’t think I can.”

“Aegon, please.”

“Well…” He glances over at the bowl of soup and then gives you a mischievous smirk. “I suppose nothing tastes better than a crab, does it? Particularly when it is served in bed.”

“Or on the floor of a library.” You smile and kiss him: his pale face, his trembling lips. You finish his tiny braid like a silver chain and tuck it behind his ear. Then you pour him a cup of milk of the poppy, just one pearl-white splash, just enough to sand the serrated edges off his anguish.

“No.” He stops you, a hand on your wrist. “I don’t want to be useless again. I don’t want to be swimming in dreams. I want to be here with you.”

You shake your head. There are tears stinging in your eyes. “But you’re in pain.”

He grins, brushing your hair back from your face. “I’ve been in pain my whole life, Angel.”

And he manages to force down half the soup and two brimming goblets of wine before he sinks beneath the sea of his consciousness, while outside waves crack open against the rocks and Sunfyre leaks viscous threads the color of crimson, roses, flames.  

~~~~~~~~~~

“You sent that raven a week ago,” Baela tells you when you bring her your offering, your clandestine kindness: apple cake, black tea. “More than enough time has passed for it to be received at Harrenhal and acted upon.”

You fill a porcelain cup with tea from the kettle and give it to her through the iron bars of her cell. “Perhaps the raven went astray.”

Baela ponders this as she alternates between unladylike chomps on a wedge of apple cake and slurps from the cup. “Maybe my father has been away from the castle. Maybe he’s out on the battlefield with the Stark men.”

Or maybe he believes you and Moondancer to be perfectly well and presiding unopposed over Dragonstone, and therefore not in need of his attention. What a welcome delusion to live under. I’m sure he’d rather be fucking Nettles anyway. You take the empty cup when Baela has drained it and refill it with tea. Baela accepts the nearly overflowing cup gratefully. She has had nothing to drink since she was taken captive except muddy rainwater that pools in one corner of each cell, guided by stone gutters that run along the outside of the castle. The tea is cloudy with cream and laced with sugar; still, her nose wrinkles a bit when she swallows it down.

“Bitter,” she notes distractedly.

“It’s made from leaves grown here on Dragonstone. Formidable, but not very sweet.”

Baela cackles; it echoes through the dungeon. This is the same voice that commanded Moondancer to brutalize Sunfyre, to send Aegon plummeting to the sand. Are her eyes already losing their viperish sharpness, is her heartbeat slowing? “Just like me!” She finishes her cup of tea and eagerly holds it out to you through the bars. You pour it full of the earth-colored brew once again.

You ask her as she licks apple cake crumbs from her fingers: “Why is Cregan Stark so determined to wed me?”

“He wants you. He considers you worthy of him.”

“But he doesn’t understand me. He doesn’t really know who I am.”

Baela shrugs indifferently. “None of us love anyone because of who they are. We love them because of who they make us believe we are.” She sips her tea and blinks groggily. “In any case, he will be your honorable savior, and you will be his illustrious damsel, and when the traitor dragons are dead he will spirit you away to Winterfell to bear his wolf pups. It’s not so bad a fate, I think. Not for someone like you. You aren’t ill-suited to matrimony. You are docile enough. A caretaker, a healer. You seem like the sort of woman who would be content with just one man.”

Yes. If he was Aegon. As you watch her kneeling on the stone floor of her cell, Baela sways and almost nods off, seemingly unaware that she is doing it.

“Burning might be too swift a death for the Usurper,” Baela says, smiling dazedly. “Cregan should have some of the Boltons flay him. They can all take turns wearing his hideous scars.”

“Yes. Skins shed, skins regrown, some of us change them over and over again.”

Baela stares at you inanely. She is beyond comprehension. Then she collapses to the stone floor, the porcelain tea cup spilling from her grasp and breaking into jagged white shards.

You take the key to the cell off the hook out in the corridor and unlock the door of iron bars. You step inside, still holding the tea kettle in one hand. You set the kettle down and drag Baela until she is propped upright against a wall. Her pulse is slow, but still present; she moans feebly as you position her. But it is all for a good cause; you must ensure she drinks the rest of the tea, the witches’ brew of leaves and cream and sugar and a fatal dose of milk of the poppy. Outside you hear a deep, prehistoric rumble as Vhagar flies over Dragonstone and scouts for a landing spot large enough to host her. Aemond is back again.

You angle the spout of the tea kettle between Baela’s paling lips and ply her with a small amount, less than a mouthful, then you rub her throat in just the right place to trigger her reflex to swallow. You know this trick well; you have used it on grievously wounded soldiers. You used it on Aegon after he was burned. You repeat the steps until the kettle is empty. Then you lay Baela flat again and watch her chest rise and fall slower, slower, slower until it stops. But still, you leave nothing to chance. You nick Baela’s wrist with a paring knife from the castle kitchens, until now tucked away in a pocket of your gown, emerald green silk to match the side of this war that you are pledged to. Her blood, unpropelled by the rhythm of a heart, dribbles sluggishly rather than spurts. She’s gone; she’s with her mother and Luke and Jace and the young sickly Viserys and Rhaenys, Otto and Helaena and Jaehaerys and Maelor and Autumn’s silver-haired son that she never had the chance to name. You wonder if the struggle goes on in the afterlife. Perhaps presently Otto and Baela are scratching and yowling at each other in a castle made of clouds.

Upstairs, Aemond is already in Aegon’s bedchamber. They are speaking in whispers when you enter, and you catch only pieces of the exchange: capital, Cregan, marriage, Daemon, crown. Larys stands in the corner of the room, his hands laced atop the handle of his cane. He gives you a reverent bow in greeting. He might not be so pleased to see you once he learns what you’ve done.

Aegon stops talking abruptly when he spots you and gestures for Aemond to go quiet as well, a commanding sweep of his hand. Aemond follows his brother’s gaze to the doorway. His lone blue eye climbs up and down you like a man on the rungs of a ladder. His hair is in one thick braid from his flight; stray white-blond strands that have been ripped free hang in disarray around his stoic, unreadable face. Aemond does not bow to you and never will. He only leers, a silver-haired wolf, a hawk with unhollow bones.

“Hello, Angel,” Aegon says, beaming or at least attempting to. He is frail and pallid and too thin and dripping sweat. There are indigo rings around his eyes like bruises. His legs are swollen, grotesque mountain ranges beneath the blankets. You rush to him and sit on the edge of the bed, feeling his forehead for fever and combing your fingers fondly through his hair.

Aemond sighs irritably. “Anyway, I’d like to torture her.”

“My prince…” Larys urges.

Aegon holds up a palm. “Now now, Lord Larys, let’s hear his proposal. Exactly how much do you intend to torture Baela?”

“Quite a bit,” Aemond says.

“To death?” Aegon asks hopefully.

“I don’t see why not.”

“My prince!” Larys says again. “Please, consider the possible ramifications, she is a prisoner of substantial strategic value, if your mother was here she would caution—”

“I’m afraid that Baela can no longer be interrogated,” you confess, and they all turn to you. There is a long, laden pause.

“And why is that?” Aemond says.

“Because she is dead of poisoning.”

“What?!”

“In her cell. Her body is there now. Feed her to Vhagar or Sunfyre, throw her in the sea, do whatever you wish with her. But she has paid her debt for the harm she inflicted upon us.”

Slowly, a grin splits across Aemond’s face. Larys shakes off his shock and resigns himself to it. But Aegon is neither proud nor reconciled. “You did that?” he says softly.

“You wanted Baela dead.”

“Yes, I did. But you don’t take life,” Aegon says, remembering what you once told him in King’s Landing. His oceanic eyes are stunned and fearful; not because Baela is was murdered, but because you were the one to end her. Because until now he was still able to tell himself that you could somehow escape this war unscarred, unruined. “You preserve it.”

“I preserve yours,” you reply. And when you offer him milk of the poppy—with no fear, for you know precisely how much it takes to kill a man—Aegon refuses it again, taking his suffering pure and sharp like the glass of a mirror.

~~~~~~~~~~

“What will happen to him?” Aemond asks you. You’re sitting on the stone staircase together under overcast midday skies, sipping wine and watching Sunfyre amble lethargically up and down the beach. You aren’t sure what’s made him so restless: his own dire injuries, Aegon in torment within the castle walls, something else entirely, some premonition that only beasts of ancient magic know. At last, Sunfyre seems to have exhausted himself and crumples onto the sand.

“I think Aegon will walk again. Eventually.”

“But he won’t be able to fight.”

You shake your head. “No.”

“Fuck,” Aemond hisses caustically, glowering out over the ocean.

You look at Aemond, needing to ask but terrified of the answer. “Can you win without him?”

“Can we win, you mean?” He smiles faintly, then sobers again. “I think so. Just before I left the Riverlands to come here, I received reports that Daemon had sent his lowborn little child bride away with Sheepstealer. He is trying to protect her from Rhaenyra’s assassins. My bitch of a half-sister has thus done us a remarkable favor. If Daemon is alone, I have no doubt that Vhagar can slay Caraxes. They say Daemon has fled Harrenhal. He’s hiding from me. I will find him, and I will burn him. I will end this war.”

“You need to be with Criston when his army faces the Northmen.”

“Of course,” Aemond says; but something in his face worries you.

There is a high-pitched shriek overhead, a glimmering flash of vivid gemstone blue. You startle and Aemond’s hand juts out, grabs you by the forearm, yanks you closer to him; then he relaxes when he recognizes who it is.

Aemond sighs loudly. “Why the fuck can’t he stay where he’s supposed to be?!” Then he stands, helps you to your feet while he’s at it, and heads down to the shoreline to meet Daeron and Tessarion.

The Blue Queen circles the beach several times, Daeron peering down as if struggling to understand something, his long white-blond hair whipping in the wind. At last Tessarion lands, her claws sinking into the wet sand, ocean froth bubbling around legs. Her long, swanlike neck stretches out towards Sunfyre, soft inquisitive squeals emanating from her jaws. Daeron leaps down from the saddle and strides to where Sunfyre is sprawled helplessly on the beach.

Alicent’s youngest child is clad in mint green—including a cape that billows out behind him in the seaside breeze—and glinting gold accents everywhere, buckles on his boots and the clasp of his cape and even a freckling of studs in his ears. He props both hands on his waist as he scrutinizes the crippled dragon. “Well, you’re not Moondancer.”

“He ripped Moondancer’s throat out,” Aemond says. “And then he ate her.”

Daeron whistles and gazes at Sunfyre admiringly. “I heard that Baela and Moondancer had taken possession of Dragonstone. I came to murder them. But now I see my services are unnecessary.”

“Baela is dead.” Then Aemond adds, nodding to you: “Here is the executioner.”

Daeron considers you, then laughs and assails you with a spirited embrace that nearly knocks you off your feet. “Welcome to the family, Lady Celtigar.”

“She’s the queen now.”

“Is she?” Daeron asks, eyebrows raised. “I was not under the impression that our brother was in any particular hurry to marry again.”

“His priorities seem to have shifted,” Aemond says.

“Can I see him?” Daeron looks around the beach and then up at the castle, shielding his eyes from the greyscale daylight. “Is he not outside with you? What is he doing in there? Not reciting prayers and composing poetry, I’d imagine.”

In Aegon’s bedchamber, Daeron cannot conceal his shock, his dismay; he gawks at the king like he is a three-legged dog, a blinded orphan. He stands thunderstruck at the end of the bed, taking in the vague yet horrifying outlines of Aegon’s shattered legs, the gauntness of his face, the fact that he is incapable of playing any meaningful role in the war for the foreseeable future. You sit on the bed beside Aegon, Aemond lurks by a window, Larys observes intently from a respectful distance, his eyes following every word as they flit through the air.

When Daeron recovers somewhat, he says: “I need to know what to do about Hammer and Ulf.”

“Why?” Aegon replies wearily. “What’s wrong with them?”

“Apparently, Mother once offered them the seats of House Costayne and House Merryweather as compensation for their efforts on behalf of the Greens, and they accepted. But now that’s suddenly not good enough. They’re asking me for the Riverlands and the Vale.”

Aegon turns to Aemond. “Is there anything left of the Riverlands these days? Should we find a new name for them? The Smolderlands, perhaps? The Everything-Is-Dead-Here-Now-Lands?”

“This is serious,” Aemond says flatly.

“I’m entirely serious.”

“Should I just tell them they can have whatever they want?” Daeron asks. “And then when the war is over and we’ve won…you know…pretend not to remember that conversation?”

“They can’t be given territory of any importance,” Aemond says. “They aren’t nobility.”

Daeron amends: “More relevantly, they are devoid of accountability and self-discipline. They drink all day and whore all night, and…oh, I mean no offense, Your Grace.”

“Fine,” Aegon says, preoccupied. There are fat beads of sweat on his bloodless face, glistening misery in his eyes. He gazes sorrowfully down at his left hand where he once wore his golden dragon ring before he lost it the same day he destroyed his legs. You pour him a cup of red wine and he drains it in seconds. You fill another.

“My point is that Hammer and Ulf are increasingly unreliable. I am only halfway convinced they could even show up for a battle before it was over. And yet we need them. Especially if Sunfyre cannot fight.”

“Agree to their requests,” Aemond says. “And if they survive the war, we will deal with them then. Rhaenyra’s faction is the greater enemy. We cannot risk the Dragonseeds racing back into her arms.”

“Lord Larys?” Aegon prompts dimly

“I could not agree more, Your Grace.”

“And on the subject of Rhaenyra,” Daeron continues. “Tessarion and I can take King’s Landing. Syrax is the only dragon in the city now, and Rhaenyra has never ridden her into combat.”

“No,” Aegon says. “We cannot risk setting the capital ablaze and turning the people against us. And Mother is there. Everett is there.”

“Everett?” Daeron looks around, baffled. “Who the fuck is Everett?”

“Angel’s brother. Not the firstborn son. The other one.” And as Aegon explains this, his chest is heaving and his eyes are glazed over. He tries to reposition himself in bed and has to bite down on his lower lip to keep from crying out, hard enough to draw blood.

“Is there anything else?” you ask Daeron and Aemond, a warning in your face. He needs rest. He needs to sleep, to heal.

“No,” Aemond says. He paces towards the door and snatches Daeron’s cape as he passes by him, hauling him out into the hallway. You follow after them.

As soon as he is out of earshot of Aegon’s room, Daeron tells Aemond: “He doesn’t look good.”

“He’ll be fine.”

“Aemond, I think you should prepare to—”

“He’ll be fine!” Aemond snaps.

“You don’t think I’m losing something too?” Daeron demands furiously. “You don’t think I want him to be well again? Of course I want that. But if wishing people to live made it possible, the world would be a very different place.”

“You are needed in the Reach,” Aemond says, and that’s all.

Daeron glares up at him, incredulous, defiant. “This will be over soon. I hope you’re ready for what comes next.”

Then he storms out of the castle, soars down the long stone staircase, meets Tessarion on the windswept beach and takes flight into the southwest where the earth is green but the nights are an inescapable, dreamless black.

~~~~~~~~~~

Aegon is weeping again; you hear him from the hallway. It is after nightfall, and the castle is illuminated only by firelight. Candles flicker; the hearth crackles and pops. In the shadows, Aegon lies with his dragonfire scars and his fractured legs and his useless hereditary magic, tears streaming down his face. You have a vision of what he will look like when he’s dead; you imagine the Stranger reaching up from underneath the bed to seize him with claws like a raven’s talons and drag him out of existence.

“I need it,” Aegon sobs when he sees you, grasping for the glass bottle of milk of the poppy. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I didn’t want to need it, but I do.”

“I’m here, Aegon. It’s alright. Let me help.” You pour him a cup of the bitter remedy, a strange gleaming white like pearl, opal, moonstone. Then you tilt the cup against his lips. Aegon gulps down the milk of the poppy and then falls back into his sea of pillows.

He murmurs, eyes closed as you graze the backs of your fingers feather-lightly over his unmarred cheek: “I wanted to start over with you.”

“You’ll still get the chance.”

“No,” he whimpers miserably. “I ruin everyone. Everyone I’m given, everyone I touch. Helaena, Jaehaerys, Maelor. We don’t even know where Jaehaera is, in Storm’s End, lost on the road, taken captive, dead. Otto, Autumn, Aemond, Mother, Sunfyre. And now I’m ruining you too.”

“You’re not,” you plead with him in a whisper. And not for the first time, you think: What do you require from me, Aegon? Wrath, compassion, healing, children? What can I do to give you hope again? Tell me and it’s yours. I’d do anything. I’d become anyone. “Aegon?” you begin, trying to ask him; but he is already unconscious. He’ll likely be out until sunrise.

You drink cup after cup of red wine and sit in the flame-lit shadows with him, in the quiet, in the liminal space between decisions, envisioned sins and prospective virtues. Then you leave the bedchamber like a ghost, a creak here and a tap there and no other trace. You wander down long, twisting corridors framed by dragons of iron and stone. And at the other end of the castle beyond a door you’ve never opened before is the lair of a very different breed of dragon: tall and lean and ambitious, his eyepatch removed and stowed away for the evening, his long silver hair hanging freely to his waist.

He is wearing cotton sleeping trousers but nothing else. He is seated at his writing desk and scrawling something onto parchment in black ink, a list or a diagram or a design for a new crown upon his ascension to the throne, you don’t know and you have no intention of asking. You have far too many things on your mind already. You feel nauseous and unsteady, you feel like you can’t possibly go through with this. You can’t imagine it. You can’t fathom what he would feel like, taste like.

Aemond steals a nonchalant glimpse of you, having no sense of your inner turmoil. “Can I assist you with something?”

“Yes,” you say simply, sipping your wine under the stone arch of the doorway.

He looks up at you again, his quill suddenly still in his hand. His two eyes are on you, one wide and river-blue, the other a soulless glittering sapphire in a tangle of ruined flesh. And now he understands. There are other Targaryens, he had said. “Take off your clothes. Sit down on the bed.”

You step inside his bedchamber and close the door behind you, setting your empty cup on the edge of his writing desk. You walk to his bed—dark green blankets, gold thread—and shed each piece of clothing you have on, a black gown and everything under it, not looking to see if Aemond is watching you, too anxious, trembling wildly. But you know his gaze is on you when you—standing naked and shivering in the firelight—begin to pull back the blankets and hear the sharp reprove in his voice.

“I did not tell you to hide yourself from me,” Aemond says. “Sit at the edge. Yes, there. Good.”

You perch on the bed and wait for him, your ankles linked, legs swinging restlessly, arms crossed over your chest. Aemond is staring at you from the opposite end of the room. You can’t look at him; you look elsewhere, at the tapestries of dragons hanging from the drafty stone walls, at the thick candles that drip white wax. And this won’t be like lying with a stranger, but it won’t be like lying with someone you want either, because you are profoundly uneasy and monstrously ashamed and perhaps even afraid.

Aemond is approaching now, firelight skating over his smooth, unsinged skin. He is undoing the tie at the waist of his trousers. He yanks them off, revealing himself to you. He is already hard, and he is massive, vast in length and width. The panic hits you like a breaking wave.

“Oh,” you gasp in alarm, unable to stop yourself. Then you explain so he won’t be offended: “I’m not going to be able to take you if I’m not ready.” You rest a hand on your bare thigh, slip it between your legs, begin to stroke yourself the way Aegon does, trying to relax, trying to think of him…

“No,” Aemond says, moving your hand aside. “Let me.”

Obediently, you rest your palms just behind you on the mattress, open your thighs for him, inhale sharpy as Aemond’s long, artful fingers touch you somewhere only one other man ever has. And you’re a traitor, the worst kind of traitor, because it’s working: you can feel yourself opening for him, hungering for him, coating his hand in slick warm wetness.

Aemond isn’t looking at your face. His eye is fixed on the place where his fingers are circling, where he is now pushing two inside of you, and while it happens abruptly and roughly enough to startle you it is not quite painful, or maybe it is, just the tiniest bit, but the pleasure eclipses the pain, the pleasure is a current you are powerless to swim against.

“You can tell me to stop,” Aemond says as he strokes you from the inside with his fingers buried to the knuckles, his breathing labored. “I don’t want you to. But if you tell me to stop, I’ll listen. Okay?”

You nod, and instead of an answer you give him a moan, stifled but unmistakable, dark treasonous forbidden ecstasy. And this snaps something in Aemond, it unleashes a part of him he’d been keeping tied up like an untrustworthy animal, one that could maul or maim or kill. He drops to his knees, hooks his arms beneath your thighs, drags you to him until his lips and tongue are on you with dizzyingly blissful pressure. You fall back onto the bed, one hand twisting into the blankets, the other in his waterfall of unruly silver hair, pushing him even harder against you as he licks ravenously. Aemond doesn’t seem to mind; with each roll of your hips and bitten-back plea his enthusiasm blooms, hums and triumphant chuckles spilling from his mouth as he swallows down the proof of your desire. It’s starting, that swift climb towards a high like nothing else on earth, something Aegon once taught you was possible. You are a betrayer, but with the very best of intentions; you are making a sacrifice, but it feels so much like a gift.

“Aemond, I’m ready,” you pant, your fingers hopelessly knotted in his hair. “You can do it now, you can…” And then you lose your words because instead of rising to his feet, Aemond stays right where he is, his tongue insatiable, his face drenched in your wetness.

He’s going to make me…I’m so close…

“Aemond, what are you waiting for…?”

His lips close around the spot where you are most sensitive and he sucks forcefully, and that feeling like a shuddering, irresistible unravelling strikes you harder and faster than it ever has before, so intense it is almost painful, sharp and commanding, not something he is doing with you but to you, and you know even in the golden haze of the climax that this is not about love but about power, pride, control, worthiness.

He doesn’t stop. He is licking you again, opening your folds with one hand, thrusting two fingers inside of you with the other. You are still feeling the pulsing, involuntary aftershocks of one high when the next begins building, building, building, and when you close your eyes all you can see are waves on the ocean in a storm, swelling to impossible heights and ungoverned by anything except the dubious mercy of nature.

“Aemond please,” you beg in a frayed whisper, bathed in sweat and guilt and frenzied lust. “I’m ready. Just do it, please…”

And then he wrenches you into another vortex and it takes everything in you not to scream, not to jolt awake the skeleton crew that tends to Dragonstone and its surreptitious guests. You are beyond complete thoughts, beyond sentences. You are boneless, your muscles have turned to mist and air, you are entirely under Aemond’s control and that’s where he has wanted you all along.

“Aemond, please, please, please…”

Unable to resist any longer, he stands—wiping the glistening, dripping sheen from his face with the back of one hand—and forces his cock inside you to the hilt. He does not slow down when he meets resistance, and you don’t tell him to. You moan in shock at the disorienting fullness, you cannot help it; it is a feeling on the knife’s edge between ripping agony and euphoric pleasure. It is something you would gratefully die of. He moves within you, deep and quick, his hands clasping your hips. Emotionally, you feel nothing but a razored, perilous, impersonal intensity; in your body, it is paradise.

Again? Again…?!

“Are you going to come for me one more time, Angel?” Aemond taunts you as he thrusts; and that’s Aegon’s name for you that he’s using, and it’s wrong, and Aemond knows that, and there is absolutely nothing you can do to break the spell he’s got you under, you can’t tell him to stop, you don’t have the will to, and if this is about power then you know who’s won out of the three of you, you know who has steel in his bones and lightning cracking in his veins.

It’s different this time, pleasure rising like the tide in your whole body, a peak that is not concentrated so clearly between your legs but everywhere: fingertips, spine, belly, heart.

“Come for me, Angel. I know you can do it.” And then for the first time Aemond leans in close to you, his pristine scarless chest pressed to yours, his lips traveling from your throat to the curve of your jaw, his tongue darting into your mouth before you can turn away, and he tastes like pure, mineral lust, and maybe that’s not just because of what he’s done to you, maybe that’s all he is all the way down, hunger that is never satisfied, a need to consume like fire burns flesh.

You whimper, a desperate vulnerable sound, a pleading for him to finish what he’s started and give you this one last high, just one more, just one, please, please, you’ll do anything.

“I’m better than him, aren’t I?” Aemond demands as he fucks you, and there’s no other word for it. This isn’t making love, this isn’t a meeting of souls, it is using someone else’s body to patch up all your hollows, all the pinprick voids you’ve been walking around with for years, losing yourself one blooddrop at a time until you pass by a mirror one day and think who the hell is that? “I know how to take care of you. I know what you want. I can do things Aegon never could. I’ll make you come again. I’ll give you a prince.”

And he coaxes it out of you like the memory of a dream, more like an ether than something you could name: a shimmering elation all over, a cry you can only muffle by biting down on Aemond’s neck as he pounds into you, and then he at last he surrenders what you came here for, but only after all the rest of it. He fills you with himself, so much of it that you can feel it pouring out onto the blankets, immense flooding wet warmth that gives you no satisfaction whatsoever.

I’m a traitor, you think, and for all the times you’ve changed your skin this is the very worst of them. I shouldn’t have done this. I wish I hadn’t done this.

Aemond lifts himself off of you and rolls onto his back, panting alongside you as you both stare up at the ceiling, drenched in each other’s salt and knowing things that were once so unthinkable. Aemond is gazing over at you. His clear blue eye is tracing your lips, your breasts, your hips, your folds that are soaked with his sweat and seed. You don’t want him watching you. You feel sick knowing he’s watching you. You get up from the bed and begin putting on your gown.

Aemond says: “We should probably try again tomorrow.”

You shake your head. “I can’t,” you reply quietly.

He sits up on the bed, his lone eye narrowed and suspicious. His hair is damp and now flows over his shoulders in disheveled silvery waves. “What?”

“I can’t do this again. I’m sorry, I just can’t.”

“Are you serious?”

“Yes.”

“So that’s it,” Aemond flings. “Just this once and never again. Never again in our whole goddamn lives.”

“It feels like betraying him. It is betraying him.”

“And what if he can’t father any more children?!”

“Then I’ll be barren.”

Aemond glares, petulant, affronted. “I thought you wanted to help this family.”

“You didn’t do this for your family. You did it for you.”

“Yeah, you’re right. I’m a fucking monster.” He tears off the bed, tugs on his trousers, ties the knot with swift furious hands.

“Aemond, I didn’t say that, I don’t think—”

“You’ve done enough,” he seethes, pawing through a chest of clothing. He finds a shirt and pulls it on, gathers up his things, rages to the bedchamber door. He whips it open and disappears into the nightscape corridor.

“Aemond!” you call after him in a fierce whisper, as loudly as you dare to. “Aemond, where are you going?!”

“To take Harrenhal,” he pitches over his shoulder. And then he’s gone, and maybe it’s your fault, and maybe it isn’t, but either way you are wholly convinced that it is.

You bathe in one of the massive tubs heated by the lava that runs deep beneath the rocky earth of the island, scouring away every trace of Aemond, lathering yourself with soap scented with pine, rinsing, lathering again. Still, you can feel the way he moved inside you with such battering, rapturous force. Still, you miss him, you miss being able to talk to him and look to him and trust that he will protect Aegon in every way he can, for no matter how much envy Aemond is built of you believe his love for his king is stronger.

You return to Aegon’s bed, always so careful now not to jostle his legs, his shattered bones that are only just beginning to mend. You are petrified that he will know somehow—that he will see it on your face, smell it sweating from your pores—but Aegon has nothing for you but seeking hands and contented, drowsy sighs.

“Where’d you go?” he mumbles, still half-asleep, drawing you in closer. “I missed you. I keep dreaming that everyone’s gone. I watch you walk through the doorway and I’m left here in bed all alone.”

“Aegon?”

“Yes, wife.”

“Do you need children with me to be happy?”

He waits a long time before he answers. When at last he does, he chooses each word carefully. “I have never felt a calling to be a father. I’ve never been any good at it. Jaehaerys, Jaehaera, Maelor…they were mine, but they also weren’t, and I can’t explain it. I felt nothing for them except a vague sort of sympathy that they had the misfortune of being born to me. Now, did a lot of that have to do with my relationship with Helaena? Probably. And do I think things would be different if I had children with you? Yes, I believe they would be, to some extent at least. But I don’t need children to be happy. I just need you.”

You say with tears in your eyes and your voice splintering: “I’m so sorry, Aegon.”

He is mystified. “For what?”

“For not being a better person for you. For not being able to cure or protect you. For not being able to end the war.”

“Angel, nobody can,” Aegon says, fingers snarled in your hair, lips to your forehead. Then he smiles; you can feel the warm, playful curl of it against your skin. “Well, except Aemond, of course.”

~~~~~~~~~~

She is there to greet him when he arrives. She creeps out of the shadows like a spider, long limbs and volcanic-glass eyes, whispers like wind in brittle fall leaves and flesh that will never refuse him. She wears black, not for one night like you did but always; she has long dark hair that she never cuts or braids or ties back. Sometimes there are raven feathers in it, sometimes herbs or powders from spells, sometimes twigs and petals, sometimes blood. It all washes out in the cold cryptic currents of the Gods Eye. Once Daemon Targaryen was here, but he did not have a wound in the shape that she could fill, could walk into like a doorway and stitch herself into the velvet-gore lining of his lungs, his liver, his heart. But now Daemon is gone. And Harrenhal has a new king to reign over the city of bones and ashes.

She meets him under the starlight that trickles in through the ruins of Harrenhal, less a castle than an architectural graveyard, less a place of beginnings than of calamitous ends. Her fingernails trace his scar and she tells him it is the mark of a hero. She touches her lips to his sapphire eye and tells him it reminds her of a god. And thus the doorway opens, and Alys drifts through it, silent and resistless like smoke, like a plague.

Perpetual Resurrection, Aemond thinks. He knows they are the words of House Celtigar. He has studied the mottos of every noble house in Westeros; but none speak to him more than these.

She touches him and he sees everything he could be. He tastes her lips and drinks down the smooth intoxicating fire that burns the boy he once was away.

[vxvxan]

𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚔𝚗𝚘𝚠 𝚒'𝚖 𝚗𝚘 𝚐𝚘𝚘𝚍  /  welcome aboard, vivian yu, student #34. we are excited to set sail with you !  has anyone told you that you look like park sooyoung? according to our records, you hail from las vegas nevada, usa, prefer she/they, are demigirl, and are here to study communications. we also see you received a spot on the ss university because of your money — we won’t tell anyone. during your first few weeks here, other students said you were  + bright, + cunning, but also - manipulative. it sounds like you spend most of your time at the high sea grill. upon checking your luggage, we noticed you packed your grandfather’s military pocketknife. hopefully your roommates don’t steal it!

hi it’s nia <3 this is my second muse vivian and i apologize soooo much in advance. lmao. their bio and info is below the cut. please like and im me to plot i am so so excited to bring u this angst bitch

vivian grew up in las vegas. they were born to not one, but two politicians. their mother was a state representative and their father was mayor of their town. ever since she was a kid, vivi was forced to spend her free time at donor events, fundraisers, and shuffled around at various events for causes around the city. everyone in town knew vivian by name and face. people sucked up to her: neighbors, teachers, law enforcement, anyone hoping to get ahead by way of her parents’ favor. it gave her a heightened sense of importance that quickly got to her head. 

by the time she was a preteen, vivian believed herself to be above the law and above those around her. by age 14, her father was running for governor and her mother held ambitions of working on a national level in washington dc. an only child with her parents both busy and in the public eye, vivi had absolutely no one to turn to. in her mind, no one would understand her, anyway. once she was 15-16, she was hanging out with an older crowd, skipping school, sneaking out and getting drunk to see if anyone at home would notice  ( they didn’t. )  her folks didn’t take notice of vivi’s bad behavior until her actions began affecting them politically. you couldn’t run a campaign on ‘safe cities’ when your daughter was being brought home by police at night and found lingering around sketchy clubs on the vegas strip. 

trigger warnings in next paragraph: drugs, drug overdose, death

vivian’s mind began to be wired in a really terrible way: the more trouble she got into, the more her parents seemed to notice she existed. maybe they were screaming at her, but they were communicating with her. and that was more than she’d had before. one night at a fundraiser, vivi met a boy who was a fellow politician’s kid. he invited her to a back room with a few other teens where she was introduced to cocaine. unfortunately, vivi became hooked right away. over time, she found comfort with drugs and with this group of teens; the only people who seemed to understand her and care about her. a few months later, she was at a party with this boy and their friends when he overdosed in front of her. his death profoundly affected vivi. she became even more withdrawn, talked to almost no one, and was cruel and cold whenever she did. after nearly being disowned by her parents for the overdose incident, vivi agreed to go to rehab. once she was out, they were sent away to live with their uncle in boston, massachusetts, so vivi couldn’t mess up their politics anymore. she stopped looking for attention from her family and instead wanted nothing to do with them.

( triggers over ) 

in boston, vivi attended public school. quickly she fell into her old ways, getting caught up with a bad crowd, ignoring school and rules, and partying constantly. at school, she met a kind student named harper and was very drawn to her. the girl was so good and everything vivian wasn’t. vivi knew she had absolutely no business getting involved with someone so pure and kindhearted, but she couldn’t help herself. harper was ... different somehow. for the first time, vivian fell in love and felt love. the two dated and vivi really thought she could be a good person with her girlfriend’s influence. however, the school year ended, vivi was shipped off to boarding school by her parents, and she regressed all over again. knowing the path she was on and knowing her girlfriend deserved much better, vivian cheated on her right away and broke things off. ever since then, vivi has cheated on every single person she’s ever dated and maintained fierce independence and selfishness. 

other info:  vivian may look poised and sweet from time to time, but don’t let it fool you. it’s her political upbringing that allows her to put on a faux aura of compassion and authority. vivi is still the same mess they have always been. they will be a bitch form time to time. they take kindness as an insult and as a method for someone to get something from her. it’s not her fault, really. it’s how she was taught. they’re impulsive, stubborn, ruthless, and self-destructive. they are very very intelligent and could do something with their life, if they ever learned to channel her good qualities. vivian just doesn’t know they exist. vivian is bisexual with a strong leaning towards women, but who knows ?  putting her into a box would be impossible. she’s an entp, virgo, chaotic neutral if any of that means anything to you. <3 

if you like this i will im you to plot !!  i’m soooo excited to bring vivi to yall and excited to see if she grows up or changes at all here lol

wanted connections ?? i am so open to anything don’t feel limited by these, but here are so ideas to help us: 

a former best friend who vivi fucked over

someone vivi started getting feelings for and then abandoned

friends with benefits

even better, enemies with benefits

someone vivi cheats on for exams, homework, etc.

someone vivian has a soft spot for but won’t admit 

someone vivi is super protective of  &  will fight over

partners in crime  ( warning u have to be ready to commit real crimes lol ) 

??? idk literally whatever ?? ?

angsty drama

[blkmxrvel]

i miss you.

Pairing: Scarlett Johansson x fem!reader

Words: 2k [2,179]

Request:Number 39 and Scarlett Johansson x fem!reader please :) thanks

Summary: Y/N is pregnant and misses her wife, and Scarlett has to give her girl whatever she wants. 

Warnings: angst (if you count being lonely and sad)

A/N: this is ass, and once again, a fluke. but. maybe?? i’ll back. idk, i didn’t a lot of requests that didn’t spark anything in them. so. yeah. anyways enjoy, catch u later. 

Being married to Scarlett, Y/N had gotten used to the nights her wife couldn’t make it home. Nights where she had to bundle up in an extra blanket to replace the warmth that she took when she’d leave. Y/N was plenty accustomed to the mornings she’d woken up and Scarlett wasn’t there. Where her side of the bed was cold and untouched, but at the same time burning a hole into her longing heart. It was just she

Usually, shw could handle it pretty well. She was able to keep herself busy and occupied; work her days away until Scarrlet came home. 

However, the pain always hit worse when Scarlett was filming out of town. Y/N took it hard when she had to facetime her before she slept because she had just gotten off set and she couldn’t kiss Y/N goodnight. She put a pillow through a hoodie that smelled like her and cuddled with it. She tried to imagine that Scarlett was right there with her. She usually had everything under control.

Except for now. 

Y/N was on her bed, cuddling the Scarlett pillow. She sobbed into it while she looked at the time. Scarlett had been away filming Black Widow, which meant she couldn’t be with you right now. That hurt you more than you knew it should’ve. 

Y/n was beating herself over her emotions right now. I mean, she was the one who urged Scarlett to go. Her wife was reluctant, Y/N was six months pregnant and was very apprehensive about leaving for so many months. Scarlett didn’t want to miss the doctors appointments, and the weird cravings at 2am. Y/N understood her wife’s worries, but still told Scarlett to go. 

“I’ll be fine, Scar.” Y/N wrapped her arms around Scar;ett’s shoulders. “Me and the baby will both be dandy. We’ll miss you, but we’ll be fine.”

Scarlett pouted as she looked into her wife’s eyes. “But it’s so long, and what if something happens? What if you go into early labor or the baby doesn’t kick or-”

Scarlett’s words were stopped when Y/N put her lips on hers. “Those are extreme cases, baby. And if anything goes wrong, you’ll be the first person to call.”

“B-” Y/N gave Scarlett a look and she knew to not continue. “Okay.”

“Thank you.” Y/N pressed her lips to Scarlett’s for the last time. “I love you. See you in a minute.” 

Needless to say, Y/N was regretting her words. 

Scarlett had only been gone for a month and Y/N had been losing her mind. Everything reminded her of Scarlett’s absence, and everything made her resolved crumbled more and more. She got that her wife was an actress, and sometimes filmed out of state. She’s been out of town before, sometimes for months on end. They facetimed to sleep like they usually did, and had been texting each other as much as possible during the day. 

This time though, the loneliness was hitting Y/N pretty hard. 

Y/N got tired of hearing her voice echo off the walls. She hated how no matter how loud she played her music, how much she watched TV or listened to podcasts, nothing was able to fill her heart like hearing her wife did. Her laugh when Y/N waddled over into the kitchen, or her screams when Y/N chased her around the house for eating her last pint of ice cream. The silence got too much for her. 

It had been two days since she heard from Scarlett, and she wasn’t sure how much more she could take. She wasn’t sure if it was because of her pregnancy, her hormones skyrocketing, or because she just really wanted Scarlett by her side like had been for these past few months. Either way, she just wanted her wife. Every second that Scarlett wasn’t next to Y/N was one more second that her heart broke. 

Y/N sent multiple texts to Scarlett throughout the day, knowing that she wouldn’t hear a reply back anytime soon. She soon gave up when the clock hit midnight.

Going back to her old methods of relief, Y/N sits on the couch. With a pint of ice cream in one hand, and the TV remote in the there, and a plate of apple pie on her lap, she decided to distract herself with Brooklyn 99. 

That didn’t work for too long though, because once she saw the dynamic is Amy and Jake, how they always made fun of each other, but love each other more, she began to think of Scarlett. She thought of how she missed Scarlett making fun of her, clowning her and teasing her throughout the day. She missed the way her face began to heat up, and her heart beat faster. She missed Scarlett. 

Y/N didn’t even realize she was crying until a sob went through her body. She put her food on the coffee table and curled into herself, sobbing into her knees. She was so lost in her thoughts, her vibrating phone breaking her out of them. 

When Y/N saw that it was Scarlett, her heart nearly exploded. She answered the facetime call, not forgetting to wipe her face beforehand. She doesn’t even have a chance to get a word in because as soon as Scarlett sees her wife’s puffy eyes and red nose, she’s worried and babbling everywhere. 

“Princess? Are you okay? What’s wrong? Is it the baby, is she okay? God, you’ve been calling me all day and I couldn’t answer. I’m so sorry, what’s going on?”

More tears trickle down from Y/N eyes when she thinks about her situation. She’s ashamed, embarrassed and sad, but she really misses her wife.

She sniffled a little before she responded.  

“I- I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I’m not usually like this. But I- I can’t take it anymore, Scarlett.” The tears were flowing freely from Y/N’s eyes. “Please come home. I miss you, so so much. I know I told you to go,I didn’t wanna be that selfish wife, but I need you here. I just miss waking up next to you and in your arms, please.” 

Scarlett’s heart completely shatters when she sees what kind of condition Y/N is in. She knew she shouldn’t have left, or took Y/N with her. This is all her fault and she feels completely terrible over it. 

“You know that I would if I could, baby. I miss you too, and I’m gonna be done pretty soon okay? Just a few more weeks and then I’ll be right next to you.” Y/N nods her head and continuous to wipe the tears that are running from her eyes. 

“Okay. I’m sorry, though. I wish I could blame it on the hormones but I can’t. I really, really, really miss you. Can just like… Act faster?” Y/N pouts and Scarlett just chuckles. Y/N feels her heart swell, she missed Scarlett’s laugh, more than anything. 

“I will try my hardest. I love you and our little girl so much. Don’t apologize though, everything’s okay.”

Y/N nods her head and slouches down onto the couch. She props the phone up on the coffee table and gets comfortable. She listens to Scarlett talk about her day, and all the action packed scenes she filmed. She even slipped in a few things she messed up on and prided herself on the way Y/N giggled. 

Y/N was fighting the struggle to keep her eyes open when Scarlett spoke up again. “I’m gonna go now, okay?” Y/N let out a big whine, her pout increasing. 

“It’s getting late, baby? You need to sleep. I’ll talk to you first thing tomorrow morning, okay? That’s my off day.” 

“No! Can you… Can we just stay on facetime? Please? I don’t think I can handle another night without hearing your voice. Or another morning without seeing your face.” Y/N pouts again and Scarlett just knows that she’s going to lose this battle. “You don’t even gotta talk! I just want ur presence, please?” 

“Well how can I say no to that?” Scarlett chuckles as she stands up from her bed, going into the bathroom and grabbing her toothbrush. Y/N tells Scarlett about her day as she brushes her teeth, how stupid work was and how she can’t wait to go on maternity leave. Scarlett answers when the situation allows, and by the time she steps into the shower Y/N’s words are slurring. It’s silent between the two of them, Y/N being lulled to sleep by the sound of the shower. 

When Scarlett steps out of the shower, Y/N is fast asleep. A fond smile on her face as she looks at her wife. She (obviously) takes a screenshot, before sending her wife a text. 

Sleep tight, baby. I love you and I miss you both.

While Scarlett is moisturizing and putting on her pajamas, she thinks about Y/N’s words. She did leave rather abruptly, she had only found out 2 days prior that she had to be flown out to film. And, even before she left, she hadn’t been able to spend that much time with Y/N. Press tours and meetings had been taking up all of her schedule. The only time she really got to spend with Y/N was when she got home, and by then Y/N was already asleep. There was always food in the microwave for her though. Scarlett appreciated it, but she was just only now realizing how much of a toll that had to take on her wife. 

No wonder Y/N had been so distraught. Scarlett had been practically neglecting her for weeks. She felt bad, and she knew Y/N couldn’t wait another 6 weeks for her to be home again. Scarlett doesn’t hang up the call, but she sends a group text to her director, manager and producer saying that she needs a day off. 

She’s gotta go home, her baby needs her. 

--

3 days have passed since that night Y/N broke down, and she’s been doing better, or at least she’s trying to. She still hates how vulnerable she was, how she let something that she was so used to her get under her skin. 

 Her and Scarlett have been talking as usual ever since, and that’s help Y/N put her loneliness a bit at bay. Y/N spent her day sulking around. She went to work, eating, coming home and going through the motions. The best part of her day though is when she gets home, and calls Scarlett. She tells her about the day, especially the doctors appointment. Y/N gushes over how healthy their baby is, and how she can’t wait to meet her, and name her. 

“Hold on, baby. I gotta get something from downstairs.” Scarlett said after a minute of planning the nursery.  Y/N nods and goes back to her pasta, groaning when there’s a knock at her door. 

She had no idea who it could be, she hadn’t ordered any food, thought she thought it was a good idea, and she wasn’t expecting anyone. 

Grunting, Y/N waddles over to the door, and once she opens the door she could’ve sworn she went into labor. (She didn’t, though). 

“Scarlett? What the hell are you doing here?” 

“Last time I checked we were married, and I live here. I wasn’t gone too long was I?” A smug smile was on her face and Y/N wanted to smack it off, but she wanted to hug her even more. She shakes her head and blinks her eyes, wanting to make sure it wasn’t a dream. That was ruled out when Scarlett was still standing there.

Y/N burst into tears, standing in place and her body is shaken with tears. She couldn’t believe it. Scarlett tosses her bags inside, wrapping her arms around Y/N. Y/N squeezes as hard as she possibly could, her tears wetting Scarlett’s shirt. She feels like home, and Y/N absolutely melts in it. 

They waddle together inside, and fall back onto the couch, Y/N not daring to let go just yet. Scarlett doesn’t mind it, though. She rubs her wife’s back as she calms down. 

“Hi, baby.” Scarlett says after it’s been silent for a few seconds. 

“Hi.”

“Miss me?” Y/N scoffs. 

“No, I don’t want you here. Of course I missed you, dingus. We both did.” Scarlett hums happily, letting her wife shift onto her side and shove her head into her neck. Scarlett takes her hand and rubs it over her wife’s belly, humming softly.

“I missed you both way more.” 

Y/N snorts and hugs Scarlett closer. “I doubt it.” Y/N’s voice gets sleepier, and Scarlett plays with her hair and lets her drift off, glad that her girls can finally get some proper rest.

[starmakerdotcom]

summary : after their fight, min and leda just want things to go back the way they used to be. part two of this !

characters : kang minjung , na jaemin (nct) , son yongmi , jung yeonwoo , cho minjae

genre : i think angst but honestly idk anymore hsjsb

warnings : more swearing , slightly less arguing , uhhh crying ? i guess ? they’re less mean this time around which is always nice

words : 2.0k

[ july 2019, 4:15 pm, solar dorms ]

minjung really needed to stop dressing up so nice on rainy days.

she stood on the sidewalk next to the dorm building, wringing out her soaked sweater under an awning that protected her from the pouring rain inches away from where she stood. jaemin wasn’t there to walk her home that day, he had to do something... somewhere. she wasn’t too sure, she didn’t really pay attention to what he said, but she didn’t mind walking by herself anyway.

she’d told jaemin about the fight, and jaemin was more civilized about it than both minjung and yongmi (and elizabeth) had been. he suggested apologizing to yongmi, which minjung was (obviously) planning on doing at some point, she kind of had to eventually anyway. the only problem was that she wasn’t the best at apologizing, and she’d spent a good two days trying to think of a way to apologizing without sounding passive aggressive and blaming it on something other than her own actions. and knowing yongmi she’d go on some spiel about how minjung was only apologizing to make herself feel better and not for the sake of yongmi and trying to better their friendship, as it always went. either that or she’d put all the blame on herself instead, which minjung didn’t want to happen in this scenario.

surprisingly, the last few days had been pretty uneventful since her and yongmi had gotten into that fight. they hadn’t talked, they hadn’t even spared each other so much as a look, and when they did accidentally make eye contact they would both look away as quickly as one would retract their hand from a burning hot surface. this proved to be difficult due to their schedules, but they managed somehow, or so minjung thought.

she felt her phone buzz in her pocket, and when she pulled it out, she’d gotten two texts from jaemin.

[ new message from : jaemin <3 ]

[ jaemin : have you seen this? ]

[ jaemin : https://www.soompi.com/article ]

well fuck. turns out people knew a lot more than minjung thought.

she took a loud clap of thunder that made her flinch as her queue to go inside and dry off. reaching up and flattening her frizzy hair, she sighed, knowing her luck she’d probably have streaks of purple running down the back of her neck from the mix of sweat and rainwater from walking a few streets by herself, and the recent dye job she’d done a few days prior. once she was inside and in the elevator headed up to her dorm’s floor, minjung leaned against the wall of the elevator, huffing. she wondered where yongmi was, if she was maybe in the dorm, sitting on the couch watching tv, or maybe she’d retreated to the cafe in the company building across the street, sipping a hot chocolate and reading a book, away from the rain and any of her worries.

once she’d gotten into the dorm, yongmi wasn’t anywhere that she could see, her room, minjung assumed. that’s really the only place in the dorm where anyone could have the slightest bit of privacy, just kick your roommates out and tell them to go into the living room or the spare room (that wasn’t used as a spare room and was more than often used as a gaming room). instead, in the living room was yeonwoo at one end of the couch, and minjae at the other, watching some show on the tv.

minjae turned to glance at the door when minjung walked in. “did you get the good noodles?” he asked, to which she started digging into the small shopping bag she was holding. “oh heck yeah!” he exclaimed when she grabbed two packs of instant noodles out of the shopping bag.

“have you guys seen yongmi anywhere?” minjung asked as she took off her shoes and walked towards the kitchen to put her bag on the counter.

yeonwoo shrugged, “her room probably, why? you finally gonna apologize?”

minjung paused for a beat, “most likely,” she replied, avoiding yeonwoo’s eye while she unloaded the snacks she’d picked up from her bag and into the cupboards.

“did you talk about it with jaemin?” yeonwoo asked.

minjung nodded, laughing out of nervousness and awkwardness more than anything, “he handled it better than either of us did. that boy is a saint, i don’t know what i did to deserve him.”

“me neither,” yeonwoo snorted, causing minjung to turn around and shoot her a death glare.

yongmi, like minjung had assumed, was in her room, curled up on her bed. she didn’t even notice minjung slowly open the door and inch her way inside until she cleared her throat in an attempt to make her presence known. when yongmi looked up at her, minjung’s chest tightened uncomfortably.

“can i come in?” minjung asked quietly, to which yongmi nodded, and patted a spot next to her on the bed. minjung instead sat at the end of the bed, and yongmi straightened, sitting up better to look at her.

“so...” minjung started, “how are-“

“what’s actually the reason you’re in here?” yongmi blurted, “are you here to apologize? because i don’t think i want that unless it’s an actual apology.”

“i... i actually am here to apologize,” minjung stuttered, pulling at a loose thread on the bedsheets.

“are you apologizing to make yourself feel better, or is it gonna be a genuine apology? did jaemin put you up to this?”

“i mean- yeah, kind of, but i really do- i do actually wanna apologize for the way i’ve been... talking to you,” minjung kept her head down the whole time she spoke, either too ashamed or uncomfortable to look yongmi in the eye.

after a few beats of silence, yongmi sighed. “i shouldn’t have called you a bitch, that wasn’t justified. i was just frustrated with the way you’d been talking to me, and i hadn’t said anything about it.”

minjung nodded, “i shouldn’t have been acting like a bitch. did you see the article?”

“what article?”

“oh, this one, jaemin sent it to me earlier,” minjung held out her phone and clicked on the article. she could see yongmi’s eyes quickly scan the short article from behind the light that minjung’s phone casted on her glasses.

“did you look at the comments?” yongmi asked quietly after a minute.

minjung shook her head, “i don’t like looking at comments.”

“why not?”

“it’s just what i’ve always been told. people always tell me not to look.”

despite minjung’s words, yongmi scrolled down to the comments anyway, “look here... i think fans are overreacting, if you live in a dorm with someone you see everyday you’re bound to not get along with them 24/7. that’s a good point... i’m sure everything’s fine! okay... min ruins their image for me anyway, and leda doesn’t stand out much, she’s always at the- okay, that one is just plain mean.”

“and that’s why,” minjung said.

“is this why you want to apologize? to get the media off our backs?” yongmi asked, pushing minjung’s phone back in her direction.

“no! i-“ minjung stopped herself when she began to raise her voice, and groaned. “i actually want to apologize and say i’m sorry, why is this so difficult?”

“because you’re not used to apologizing to people,” yongmi replied knowingly, “you never hold yourself accountable.” minjung had almost forgotten how long they’d known each other, and just how much they knew about each other. it sucked, it fucking sucked that they felt like they didn’t know each other anymore despite their closeness just a year prior.

minjung stared down, unmoving, eyes burning holes in the bedsheets, she didn’t want to admit it, but yongmi was right. and to the former’s surprise, yongmi spoke again.

“i just...” the redhead bit her lip, trying her best to not let the tears in her eyes spill pitifully down her cheeks and into her lap, “i just wanna know what happened. between debut and now... why we grew apart so much.”

the shakiness in yongmi’s voice struck a deep chord in minjung’s heart, one that she hadn’t been aware of since she was maybe seventeen, when she and yongmi were young trainees with empty promises of a near debut, without another care in the world. to be honest, she had no clue why the two of them had grown apart. was it jaemin? was he taking up too much of minjung’s time? she shouldn’t be blaming that on him, he had nothing to do with it. for all minjung knew, it could be entirely her fault.

“i wish i knew,” minjung replied quietly as yongmi let a tear slip down her cheek.

she quickly wiped her cheek before laughing nervously, “oh god, i don’t want this to turn into a pity party. i just wanna make sure we’re apologizing for the right reasons.”

minjung paused, “...we? no, i should be the one apologizing-“

“no, i overreacted,” yongmi sighed, “i shouldn’t have called you a bitch, i shouldn’t have talked about your parents like that, and you were right. i need to get over myself and be more assertive.”

“wh-“ minjung stopped, she’d almost forgotten how forgiving yongmi was, too forgiving, definitely, she wouldn’t even let minjung apologize without apologizing herself first- even though minjung had a lot more of a reason to than yongmi did.

“you don’t- don’t apologize for that, that’s something you can’t help. i can help acting like a bitch, i can work on that.”

yongmi stuck out her bottom lip in a sad pout, she looked like a kicked puppy as she tried to argue, “but i wanna apologize-“

“you don’t need to!” minjung stopped herself again so when she realized she was beginning to raise her voice again. she immediately slowed down and her voice softened, “you didn’t do anything wrong, i just want you to know that. can i apologize for myself for once?” she laughed awkwardly in a flimsy attempt to ease the once again growing tension.

“i’ve already accepted your apology, but all i really want, is-” minjung watched helplessly as tears began forming in yongmi’s eyes again as she continued, “i just want things to go back to the way they were before, i guess?”

“i do too,” minjung replied quietly, looking up at yongmi and seeing just the raw sadness behind her eyes. she finally let the tears fall, and minjung watched as tears began to stream down her cheeks, not the same frustrated tears from a few days prior, but tears just filled with complete exhaustion and mourning. mourning for all the minutes spent sweaty and exhaustingly laughing at stupid stories when they had a break from training, the hours spent talking on the grassy hill across the street from the company building, the days spent sneaking out and laughing down the streets of downtown seoul, the nights spent staring up at the sky and mindlessly spilling their biggest desires. yongmi missed it, minjung missed it, they missed the sense of complete comfort associated with those days that felt like decades ago.

it made minjung want to cry too, and although a thin layer of tears brimmed her eyes, she didn’t let them fall. she never cried, she’d only ever cried once in front of her other members, and then another on camera, she hated it, never again, she vowed.

as much as she hated physical affection (unless it was from her boyfriend obviously), minjung felt the overwhelming urge to pull yongmi into a heartfelt hug. the former wrapped her arms tightly around the redhead, letting her silently cry into her shoulder without a word, and they stayed like that. they stayed like that for what felt like an hour but probably wasn’t more than five minutes.

“i’m sorry,” minjung whispered, her voice cracking at the end of her sentiment, and although quiet, yongmi could tell that she absolutely meant it, and that maybe, things could start to go back to the way they were before.

[melblogsgfreethruptsd]

My son’s birthday.

We are in transition to moving to Alaska, so we’re back in our home state Michigan.

DH is in AK while he finds us a house. So the kids and I are are here, and for the first time, my parents can meet their granddaughter for the first time, who is now 19 months old. I have no issues with Edad. It’s NM that I cringe about. DS was having a bday party. DH said the “ right thing” would be to invite both parents. Meanwhile, it hadn’t crossed my mind to invite them at all.

I have been mostly NC with NM for 4 years. (Mostly by her choice by refusing to adhere to my boundary).

I greatly hesitated , but sent a text invite to Edad. Surprisingly, they’re BOTH coming. I honestly thought NM would decline bc it was short notice, and I’m living at my in-laws, who she has expressed some avoidance of.

But now I’m slightly terrified, bc I really don’t want to talk to her. I noticed when I still spoke about her to SIL and MIL, I still start to quiver. (Not out of fear , but it’s like trapped angry energy). And I’m aggravated that I will have to mask like things are “fine” just so she can meet her granddaughter for the first time, even though she never actively expressed interest to DH about her in all this time.

Normally, DH would do this type of thing, but he is out of state (military life *sigh* lol ).

There is so much I’d like to ream into NM but I know it won’t be the place or time.

I feel proud of the other few times I was subjected to her in person, I’m pretty good at Gray Rock. A great part of me was like , why even invite them? I don’t know what NMs motives are, but I highly doubt it’s truly to enjoy my kids. This isn’t meant to be a long term “rug sweep” event either. I have all intentions of keeping VLC in place. So maybe NM thinks this puts her foot in the door or something, idk.

***************************

Post Party:

Day of the event I was irritable, recalling the last time they came to DS birthday, and how they had put expectations on me as the host, to still cater to their wants and attention. (Emotional trigger). At the end of that day, I actually APOLOGIZED about not talking to them enough... If I could go back to then, I wouldn’t. That was me afraid of judgment and consequences, when the reality was they didn’t help me, they didn’t assertively try to talk to me, and none of that was my fault in the first place.

NM came in with Edad, and right away I witnessed how she was gonna play it, like nothing happened in the last 4 years between us, and her shunning of my grandpaqrents. Oh, and she STILL hasn’t ever asked me “how are you”.... !!

So the buffer zone of people at the party that I was hoping for, wasn’t as big as I’d wanted. But SIL was fully informed of NM and the BS, so she helped guide them out of some awkward positioning. I noticed a lot, I’ve become a great detached observer when it comes to my parents. I was hyper aware of keeping a boundary between us (distance/ other people/ furniture), and feeling that obligation to stay close and chat. But I didn’t. I was actually pretty avoidant. If I didn’t feel like talking anymore, I didn’t. Instead of speaking directly to NM, I avoided eye contact, and kind of spoke into “the space”. I could feel when she was going to try to chit chat further, and I moved off.

I didn’t feel guilty for taking care of myself. The point was for them to show up and see their grandkids and enjoy them. If they didn’t, that’s on them. I’m not going to wave them in front and beg for their attention. This is ultimately temporary before we go way out of reach again. They’ll never make it out to Alaska, even if we were on good terms. It still very much felt like, this is so pointless, it’s just for show, it’s just so NM can act fake like she “cares”. That lack of authenticity is just grueling and disgusting to me.

No regrets. Everything confirmed I don’t want any type of relationship with NM, at all. Not to fake it, or anything else.

[super-btstrash-posts]

Fighting part 2

*Seokjin*

You had been staying with your best friend for two weeks now and Jin has yet to say anything to you. The boys had tried to call and text you they had even showed up on your best friends doorstep tryin to get you two to talk it out. They knew that the both of you were hurting even if neither of you wanted to admit it. You for sure weren’t going to be the one to admit it. Your friend was at work so you were just lounging around the house considering you had taken some vacation time to have some time to get your thoughts together. You smiled giddly when you heard the doorbell ring. You knew that it was probably the pizza that you had ordered a few minutes prior. You walked happily to the door with your wallet in hand not thinking to check who was actually at the door. You gasped and tried to close the door when you saw Jin standing in the doorway. He looked broken, dark circles under his eyes and greasy hair. He also looked like he hadn’t eaten in a few days.

“What are you doing here?”

You ask, crossing your arms across your chest.

“I came to talk. To say that the past two weeks have been hell is an understatement. I was so so so stupid to say the things that I had and I’m honestly not surprised that you left. I knew that you would need time so I didn’t try to come right away. Can I please come in so we can talk?”

He asks, eyes slightly hopeful.

“Fine but you have five minutes and if I don’t like your answer then you have to leave. Also don’t think just because I accept your apology that means that I will just jump back into your arms. What you said really hurt and I don’t know when I will be able to come back from that.”

You say, slowly stepping to the side to let him in.

He nods and steps inside. You walk to the living room and sit on the couch with him on the other side giving you space.

“I’m really sorry about everything that I said. It was stupid to let my ex come back into the picture. It was even more stupid to invite her to our get together with the boys. I should have just saw that she wanted to ruin our relationship. She said it herself when I told her that we couldn’t talk anymore and what all happened. I’m sorry that I didn’t believe you when you said that was what was going to happen. I treated you like garabage and you didn’t deserve that. I don’t even deserve you but if you are willing to give me a second chance then I’m not going to complain. As much as I hate to admit it you were right and I was indeed very wrong about the entire situation and I would love for you to come home but I am not going to force you into anything.”

He says.

“I have to admit, what you said really hurt. I’ve thought about everything a lot the past two weeks. You saved me from myself and taught me how to love again. What kind of person would I be if I just forgot all of that? The boys have become my best friends basically family. I’ll come back home but it is going to take some time for things to get back to the way that they were before. You have a lot of making up for it to do.”

You say.

Relief immediately washes over his face and he pulls you into a tight hug.

“I won’t let you down Jagiya.”

He says.

“I know you won’t. Let’s go home.”

You say, smiling.

*Yoongi*

“Rapper Min Yoongi of BTS hospitalized after he collapses on stage due to exhaustion and malnutrition.”

You dropped the bowl that was in your hands and it shattered against the floor some of the shards cutting your feet. Your best friend ran into the room.

“Oh my god! Are you okay?!”

She asks, gently ushering you to sit onto the couch.

You don’t answer her question as you were to busy trying to wrestle your phone from your hoodie pocket. You immediately dialed Namjoon’s number.

“Hello? Ah, you saw the news. We tried to call you earlier but you didn’t pick up.”

“Is he okay?”

You asked, tears falling down your cheeks as you choke on a sob.

“He’s still sleeping right now. They have him on some light seditives to keep him asleep to let his body rest. They are going to give him a feeding tube later today to try to get some of the nutrients back into his body. The rest of the tour is postponed until he gets better. I know you are mad at him but he really needs you. We all need you. Guk is a mess. Your one of his best friends and I was hoping that you could maybe come and help us get him calmed down before they have to give him a sedative himself. Please Y/N we need you.”

He says.

You nod before realizing that he couldn’t see you.

“I’ll be up there as soon as I can. Seoul National Hospital (idk if this is even a place I’m writing this at 12 am I’m tired rip) right?”

“Yes. Floor two room 205. You’ll see the managers and the boys. They aren’t letting us in until after they install the feeding tube so we will still have to wait a little while but we still need you.”

He says.

“I have to get some things gathered up and then I will be there.”

You say.

You quickly say your goodbyes and rush to change and grab Yoongi’s favorite fluffy blanket that you had taken from the apartment two nights ago after your big fight. You make your way to the hospital and Jeongguk immediatly rushes over to you to wrap his arms around you tightly. You gently shushed him as he sobbed into your neck.

“Noona (lets pretend that you are younger than him) what is going to happen to hyung?”

He asks.

“He’s going to be okay. He’s strong and everything is going to be okay. I know it seems scary now but he is going to be back almost as good as new in a few days. Me and the nurses are going to take good care of him.”

You say.

“Does that mean that you are going to come back to the dorms for a while with hyung?”

He asks.

“Probably for a few weeks just so you guys can help me keep an eye on him.”

You say.

“So you forgive him?”

He asks.

“Yes Guk. I forgive him. I forgave him when it happened I was just hurt. I knew that he didn’t mean anything by doing what he did against my wishes. He just wanted to put on a good show that’s all.”

You say.

He nods and wipes the tears from his cheeks.

*Yoongi’s is getting really long so I’m going to end it here and make a part three for him 😅*

*Hoseok*

Fans had started to notice that Hoseok hadn’t been his normal cheery self during fan signs and concerts and were getting worried. He had tried to play it off but he knew that he couldn’t do that much longer. They were going to start trying to start rumors about something. Your relationship was public of course so that meant that would be the first thing that the rumors were about so he decided to address it during the concert ending.

“I know fans have been worried about me and I know I seem down. I am. Me and Y/N got into a fight and she has been staying with some friends for a few days for some space. I wanted to address this before any rumors started. Please don’t send her any hate because the fight was my fault and my fault alone and I regret the entire thing and I’m so sorry. I know this video will be sent to Y/N on social media so I just wanted to say that I am sorry and I’m going to do everything that I can to make up for the fight. I’m going to be coming by soon to talk everything out. I hope that you can forgive me.”

He says, a tear running down his cheek.

——————————————

You woke to thousands of notifications on your phone. You clicked on a link and it was to a video of Hoseok at the concert last night. You felt tears welling in your eyes when he started talking about the fight that you had. As soon as the video finished you heard the doorbell ring. You wiped the tears from your cheeks and went to answer the door. You knew that it was going to be Hoseok. He gives you a sad smile when he sees you.

“Hey. Can I come in?”

He asks.

“Yeah. I saw the video. Fans sent thousands of messages about it to me.”

You say.

“Yeah. I knew that they would. That’s why I wanted to address it before rumors started and they started sending you hate. This is my fault and I didn’t want you to be at the bad end of the fans rage.”

He says.

“I know. The fans are really protective over you and really love you just like you really love your fans. I just wanted to say that I’m sorry. I really overreacted the other day and I see that now. I let my jealously get ahold of me. I know it’s just fan service.”

You say, biting your lip.

“No, you were right. I was getting a little too touchy with some of the fans. I have a girlfriend and it’s time that I started acting like it.”

He says.

You wrapped your arms around his waist.

“I love you so much.”

“I love you too. Now how about we get you back home and then we can cuddle and watch movies all night. I’m in need of affection and I don’t think that the boys will complain this time. I think they were secretly ready to send me off to a ward somewhere until I was happy again.”

He says.

You giggle.

“Well that won’t be necessary now and let the movie marathon begin because I have a lot of cuddles to give dang it.”

*Namjoon*

As soon as Namjoon woke up he wanted to apologize to you but he was running late and had to be at the airport in under an hour to go film for Bon Voyage 4 and he wasn’t going to be able to do anything. He sighs sadly when he sees that you had packed his bags and placed them by the door before you had left for work that morning. He rolled his shoulders to try and work the kinks out of them before taking a quick shower and getting dressed. He had just finished blowdrying his hair when the doorbell rang. He knew that it was one of the boys coming to get him so that they could go on their trip. He walks over and opens the door to find Jeongguk standing there. Jeongguk gives him a bright smile.

“Ready to go?”

He asks.

“Yep.”

He says, quietly.

He picked up his bags and winced slightly when the weight pulled on his sore muscles. Jeongguk took one of the bags from him. Namjoon knew that he had saw the blankets and pillows littering the floor and couch but had decided not to say anything for his sake. They made their way downstairs and placed his stuff into the back. Namjoon quickly pulled out his earbuds and shoved them into his ears, playing music to try to drown out his guilty thoughts.

*Jeongguk*

“Is hyung okay?”

Jimin asks quietly.

“I think him and Y/N got into a fight and I think it was pretty bad because he was sleeping on the couch.”

I say, quietly.

“Aish, poor hyung.”

Jimin says quietly.

Hoseok looked up from his phone.

“Wait, wasn’t his and Y/N’s anniversary yesterday?”

He asks.

I pulled out my phone and looked at the date. Namjoon had to stay behind to work on choreography for the upcoming comeback. My eyes widened and then I softly nodded my head.

“Yeah. Hyung must have forgotten to call.”

I say.

--------------------

You sighed as you came home to an empty apartment. You knew that Namjoon and the boys had left that morning to go film for Bon Voyage. You tried to do some things to get everything off of your mind, but your harsh words and everything kept replaying in your head. You knew that Namjoon not calling saying that he would be late was kind of a good reason for you to get angry, but you knew that he was stressed with a comeback breathing down his neck. That’s what lead you to the BigHit building to talk with Hitman Bang about everything to try to figure out how to go and see Namjoon.

*since this one is also going to end up being quite long, there will be a part three*

*Jimin*

Jimin had spent the past three days since the fight calling and texting you. You were staying with your friends in Daegu. You had called them right after the fight and they had agreed to let you stay with them until Mark’s wedding the following weekend. The days flew by and Jimin had kept calling but you had turned off your phone to keep the fans from messaging you wondering why Jimin was sad and why you weren’t with him at the awards show that had just happened. Mark walked in dressed in his tux already as you were struggling to zip your dress. You were the maid of honor even though you would be surrounded by other guys when you stood up there.

“How you feeling?”

He asks.

“Nervous. What if I fall onto my face?”

You ask, as he pulls the zip the rest of the way up.

“Don’t worry you are going to have someone walking down with you. I’m sure that they won’t let you fall.”

He says, laughing.

You pulled the clip from your hair and let your curled hair fall around your shoulders. You were finally completely ready.

“Mark, you are needed at the alter. We are going to be starting soon.”

Mark’s best friend, Jiyong says, poking his head into the door.

He nods and squeezes your shoulders.

“Are you going to be okay in here by yourself?”

He asks.

“Yeah.”

“The others are just next door. Your escort will come and pick you up soon.”

He says, dropping a wink before walking out of the door."

You wait, fiddling on your phone for a while. You knew that you would be one of the first to walk in so you waited for the music to start. The music started and then there was a knock on the door. You get up, being careful of the floor length gown that you were in and slipped your heels on before opening the door. You gasped when you saw Jimin standing in front of you.

“What are you doing here?”

You ask.

“Mark called and explained everything. I’m so sorry for everything. I should have believed you but I was selfish and stupid. Can you please forgive me?”

He asks, holding his hand out.

You sigh and take it gently squeezing.

“This is your one and only last chance. You accuse me of cheating again and then not listen to the explanation that I give you then when you walk out the door you can keep walking because you won’t be coming back into my home.”

You say.

He sighs and nods.

“I admit that I overreacted badly. I should have listened to you better, but I didn’t and for that I’m sorry. Now lets go and enjoy this beautiful ceremony that you and Mark spent ages planning.”

He says, looping your arm with his and going to get in the front of the brides’ maid line up.

--------------

again, this one is getting quite long so I will be making a part three for it as well

*Taehyung*.

You sighed as you looked up at the ceiling of your childhood bedroom. You had decided to go back to (y/h/c) to stay with your parents for a while. You didn’t have an apartment to stay in at Korea and you couldn’t keep staying with the boys at the dorm considering you and Taehyung had technically broken up.

“Y/N dear, there is someone at the front door looking for you.”

Your mother says, peeking her head into your bedroom.

“Who is it?”

You ask.

“I don’t know but he is really tall and has blonde hair. He was wearing one of those dusk masks that you know who would wear so I didn’t get a good look at his face.”

She says.

You sigh and roll out of bed. It could be one of the boys sent here by Taehyung or something. You walked downstairs and took a deep breath before entering the living room. There sat Taehyung, dressed in the slightly pink shirt that you had accidentally made pink in the wash. He looked up when you walked into the room, his eyes puffy and lined with deep purple circles under them like he hadn’t slept in weeks. He immediately jumped up and rushed to your side. He pulled you into his arms and buried his face into your neck.

“I am so sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled at you like that. In fact, I don’t know why I yelled at all really. I actually like the shirt like this much better. I guess I was just stressed out from work and took it out on you, which wasn’t fair to you  and you definitely didn’t deserve it. I hope that you can forgive me, but I will understand if you don’t.”

He whispers, breathing shaky.

“Taehyung, I was never mad you know? I was just upset because you insulted me and I am still hurt but I understand. I know how hard working you are and I even called Namjoon to look after you while I was away because I knew that you would take this out on yourself. I forgave you weeks ago but I was waiting for you to forgive yourself. I still love you and that will never change, but I would really like for us to be able to talk things out like proper adults next time. We were both too worked up from working all day and we said some things that neither of us actually meant and that is hard to come to terms with. I’m sorry that I got so upset with you and stormed out. You didn’t deserve that.”

You say, playing with his hands that were in between yours.

“I wasn’t angry at you. I was angry at the world that day. Nothing was going right and apparently that one little mistake made everything that I was holding in explode. In fact, our manager has given us a break. We have a few weeks off and I decided that we should go on vacation. I got us tickets to Paris where we will be staying for about two weeks and then we will finish up our vacation in Japan.”

He says.

You grin and hug him tight.

“That sounds amazing Tae!”

You could see your mother smiling from the corner of your eye. You knew that she had been the one to call Taehyung and ask him to come.

*Jeongguk*

Jeongguk sighed as he plopped down in the chair closest to him. He stared disheartened at the blood coming from his foot. He called over one of the makeup noonas and they were quick to go and find the medic. He had been practicing his dancing and had gotten distracted thinking about the fight that happened between the two of you. A few days after the entire thing happened, he had found the laptop that had been delivered to his dorm. He felt so guility knowing that you had spent the money that you had saved for college up on something that wasn’t all that important. You had worked so hard to save the money up, walking to work, eating cheap gas station ramen, working two different jobs, the list went on. You were the only thing on his mind right now. He knew that everything was crazy right know but you were all that he could think about. When they told him that he had to have stitches, he put on a brave face when in reality he was scared. He wished that you were there beside him but instead you had traveled back to your apartment in Deagu while you were spending time apart. Namjoon came over and sat down beside him.

“Are you going to be okay with going out on stage tonight? They aren’t going to really be able to give you much for pain unless you decide to sit this one out.”

He says.

“I’ll be fine.”

Jeongguk says, looking away.

“Do you want me to call Y/N?”

He asks, quietly.

“She wouldn’t care.”

He mutters under his breath.

“She would care Jeongguk. She calls to check on you all the time. She deserves to know before she finds out from social media. That would make it that much worse on her.”

he says.

Jeongguk lets out a heavy sigh but nods. He knew that his hyung was right. You would rather find out from one of them than the internet later.

*Y/N*

You looked at your phone in confusion when you saw Yoongi’s name flash across the screen. You quickly answered it and was met with his concerned face.

“What’s wrong Yoongs?”

You ask.

He sighs and sniffles a little.

“Jeonggukkie got hurt. He was practicing and he accidentally kicked a chair. He is okay but he is going to have to have stitches. We just wanted to let you know so that you wouldn’t freak out when you saw it on social media.”

He says, looking down. 

You couldn’t help the tears that fell down your cheeks.

“This is my fault.”

You say, not meeting Yoongi’s eyes.

“It’s not your fault. Jeonggukkie told me about the fight. He feels really bad and I know you are at home right now but he really needs you. He doesn’t show it but he is beating himself up right now pretty bad because of what happened.”

He says.

You sigh and wipe your tears.

“I wish that I could come, but I can’t. I haven’t been working and yeah.”

You say, fiddling with your fingers.

“Namjoon just bought a plane ticket. He sent it to your email. It’s for a flight in about an hour. You will get here before we get on stage. Jeongguk is going to need your support even if you guys aren’t on the best of terms right now.”

He says.

“Thank you for calling and telling me Yoongi. I really appreciate you guys calling and letting me know before it went on social media.”

You say.

He gives a small smile.

“It’s nothing really. Now you get your clothes packed so that you can make your flight on time.”

He says.

------------------

*A.N.* there is going to be a part three to this one as well. I get a little carried away and don’t wrap them up in time so yeah 

[currentlyreadingmanga]

Toilet-bound Hanako-kun Chapter 16: The Little Mermaid (Part 1)

Previously: as one of you guys said last chapter, we “went from good boy hours to sad boy hours in a flash”, and I honestly couldn't have said it better myself. Yashiro and Kou are both very good children that just want to look after their new ghost friend (and each other) and I just（*´▽`*) love them very much. But yeah, the last chapter started with an incredibly wholesome and emotional premise and by the end that happened. I’m both excited and terrified to delve back into the story.

Now onto the next chapter!

[You can ignore this but if you’re interested, here’s a small update of where have I been lately: as I’ve mentioned before, around the moment the quarantines started to take effect where I live, I caught a cold and later I found out that I had laryngitis, so all that with the additional anxiety regarding the state the world is in right now, I really wasn’t feeling well enough to take the time to read and write the recaps for the chapters. I’m fine now, I started to feel better by last week. I’m a very anxious person by nature and while my family and friends are doing well, being quarantined this long really didn’t leave me in the best headspace since I tend to worry too much (both of my parents are over 60 years old and two of my best friends each have a family member who underwent heart surgeries recently). Also, I wasn’t sure if posting these recaps would be a good idea with everything that’s going on in the world right now. But I’ve come to the conclusion that everyone would probably welcome a distraction and if these recaps can provide that for someone besides myself (since writing them will give me something to do), then I should go right ahead. So.....yeah......If you’re reading this, please remember to take care and follow the steps that your region has implemented to stay healthy and stop the spread of the virus.]

Okay so before we begin, I have a confession to make: I ended up seeing a spoiler (well, two, but I will mention the other one when it becomes relevant). I’m honestly surprised that it didn’t happen sooner considering how quickly Instagram knows when I start a new series, but yeah, it was bound to happen since I’m pretty behind with the story. I saw a screenshot of one of the anime episodes (idk which one since I stopped watching it when I picked up the manga after watching episode 4) and I saved it so I could put it here:

sooooooooooooo..........yeah.........it’s kind of a bummer. But hey! At least I know one of the theories I threw out there was right. Although, it also brings up a lot more questions regarding their home life because..........why was Amane so beat up when (it seems) he had at least one family member around when he was alive? where does this other child fit into the story? Did he also go to the same school? Does Tsuchigomori know him?  Also he looks real cute???? But Hanako looked so terrified when he appeared at the end of last chapter that it makes me not trust him immediately???? You all are probably saying in your heads “well if you just start the fucking chapter you will get some answers” and you know what???? You’re right, I should, damn

Ohhhh right! This is the start of another volume and it looks like our two main boys are on the cover this time.

are you really gonna post the cover page again? you ask. And yes, yes, I will. It’s not my fault that the art style is so good. Things I noticed: it’s silly but I love how Hanako’s disregard for personal space it’s an ongoing factor even on the cover with how he’s grabbing Kou’s face; I really like the contrast between their expressions (how cheeky Hanako looks vs how serious Kou looks); and since they both look like they’re ready for a fight, I’m guessing that this particular volume will possibly present challenges for these two.

The next coloured page is also wonderful. My babies look so cute and ready to tell some ghost stories. I just wanna ruffle their hair, they’re so precious.

Then we have the index and by the looks of it, this volume will focus on two arcs.

And here’s the cover page for this chapter! ...........god, I’ve barely reached the beginning of the chapter, why do I ramble so much.

Anyway, “the little mermaid”, huh? Judging by that title and by the art here, I’m guessing that title refers to Yashiro. Also, there’s a big ass claw on the left side of the page, so does this mean that the mermaid from the first chapter is coming back? Because Hanako said that he had only managed to drive her away momentarily, right? That would be really interesting! 

Now directing our attention to the right side of the page...... (⚆.⚆) ......I’m guessing that this is directly related to last chapter’s cliffhanger, if Hanako’s terrified expression is anything to go by.......oh boy, this is gonna be so much f u n

Huh, that’s interesting. “She helped me make it here.” Does that mean that he wasn’t able to be in the school for some reas- wait wait a second. Idk why I’m just now putting two and two together but this boy is also dead, right? So where was he? And he honestly looks just like Hanako, so does that mean they died at around the same time? Did he also go to this school? Because Amane’s attachment to this school is clear (even if he had to take the role of “Hanako-san”) and well, there was also that thing Kou said about his grandmother sealing him away but we don’t know much about that. Would his brother also have a reason to be at the school, and not only that, but also to then have to leave the place? And a big enough reason that he needed someone else’s help to get back, at that?

Another interesting thing: so now we have the confirmation that the suspicious girl is actually his assistant. That brings up the following questions: does Amane’s brother also fills in for “Hanako-san”? Like, is it like a gatcha where you can get either of them when you summon them and lucks decides your fate? Also, with Yashiro and Amane, she became his assistant as an exchange for her wish to become human again? So, I’m thinking that if he also serves as “Hanako-san”, then she could have become his assistant in exchange for a wish, and the question then would be: what did she wish for? And that is tied to other questions that surround her such as: who is she? what are her goals?

Is this recap mostly questions and no answers? yes, that’s how it be, if you’re here expecting me to give you good answers, I’m sorry in advance lol

(ﾟдﾟ；) Σ(ﾟДﾟ|||) ahhhhhh he looks so shaken and ready to cry omg please back away and leave him alone. What is their story??? It’s clear that it is tragic but what could bring about such a reaction? Spoilers: it’s probably gonna destroy me :))))

OHHHHH!!!! LOOK AT MY GIRL GO! Hell yeah, protect your boy!! but also the fact that Hanako was so startled that he couldn’t even react fast enough to protect himself even though he had his knife in front of him is very concerning

Oh? I thought the bottle only had tea/water. Why did it do that to him? Because this doesn’t happen to all apparitions, right?

(⚆.⚆)

And just like that, he’s gone. Well. that was certainly a way to make an entrance.

........................okay, listen. I know I said that their story was probably tragic but I was trying to avoid thinking of this possibility because there’s something incredibly heartbreaking about the prospect. And the fact that Hanako looks so terrified only adds a layer of unease to the whole thing. If Hanako did kill him, then it shines a different light to one of the questions I asked before: “why was Amane so beat up when (apparently) he had at least one family member around when he was alive?” because........yikes. I think I had also asked before where would his parents be in the story (since it was still possible that the injuries were inflicted by bullies) and with this development, I’m even more concerned. Since, again, if Hanako killed his own brother and we take into account the rest of the information we’ve been given so far, it’s very possible that it was done in self-defence. And since Hanako was so reluctant to tell Tsuchigomori anything regarding the person who did that to him (going to the extent of saying he forgave them), the culprit being a family member is not farfetched at all.

(ﾟдﾟ；)(ﾟдﾟ；)(ﾟдﾟ；)

Oh, no, sweetie-pie  (ಥ﹏ಥ) He looks so distraught! It seems like he had a flashback of some sort judging by him snapping out of it at the end. The evidence just keeps on piling up against his brother and i’m very stre s s ed

Ahhhh and he’s all wobbly while apologizing to her and he leaves and they’re just alone and sad and the donuts are ruined. I’m :c sad :CC

............................is that a fish? because it doesn’t look like the mermaid, so maybe she sent her “minions”? Hanako said that the fish work for the mermaids, right? I’m assuming she’s sending someone to spy on Yashiro since she most likely isn’t ready to give up Yashiro yet (even if Hanako has lessen the effects of the curse).

Next, we see that Yashiro is still thinking about what happened with Hanako while Aoi looks worried about her. Yashiro says “I guess people from different species really can’t understand each other” and “Maybe it would’ve been better if I were a supernatural too” and I mean, I see where she’s coming from. But at the same time, that’s not all there is to it. Yes, it’s obvious that they are gonna have different mindsets, not only because Hanako is a ghost but also because of what he experienced when he was alive. However, I think Hanako’s reluctance to share his past has more to do with personal walls he has probably built around himself than with him being a supernatural. Like, yes, we know that he has had contact with other apparitions in the school, but who knows when was the last time he had the chance to interact with someone as a friend? Even when he was alive we know that he didn’t have friends from his class. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that while I understand Yashiro’s sentiment, her becoming a supernatural wouldn’t really help the situation.

Well, it looks like someone is conveniently ready to grant that wish and judging by the bubbles (?) around the dialogue bubbles, I think it’s the fish from before. And to that, I say no, thanks, chief.

Also

I feel so bad for Aoi, she must be so worried about Yashiro’s ongoing track record of talking to the air.

....................god, everyone is gonna think she’s off her rocker if they don’t think so already

Pfffffffft I love her so much, she’s so silly

But anyway, yes, the fish claim that they are here to “release her from the clutches of that loathsome school mystery” which sounds like a convoluted way to say that they want to take her away. “Our law states that those who have eaten the flesh and blood of our master will eventually become our next master” ohhhhh okay so that’s why they were being so polite, I had thought that they were just trying to butter her up.

Yashiro, no! Don’t fall for it!! I’m not saying that they’re lying about her new status, I’m just saying that she needs to consider the fact that the “men” are most likely not actual men if the fact that the mermaid was a fish with a face is anything to go by. Also, my girl is way too weak in front of the promise of ikemen oh boy please don’t fall for it

They say that they’ve been watching Yashiro these past few days and they think that the way Hanako treats her is “far too barbaric”.

Okay, I’m gonna stop you right there. 1) The donut incident: Yes, Hanako shouldn’t have treated her like that, but it’s obvious that he was going through some serious stuff at the moment. 2) He doesn’t speak about himself: I think I mentioned this even during the 4pm bookstacks arc, but that’s Hanako’s choice. It’s his own life story and he gets to decide when to share it. While it would be good for him to open up more to Yashiro since she clearly wants to be his friend and get to know him better, that doesn’t mean it’s gonna be easy. 3) He takes advantage of her: well, he has been quite reckless at certain points (like when he threw her down the waterfall at Yako’s boundary and when he unknowingly played with her feelings during the confession tree arc), he’s always done his best to protect her from harm. 4) Hanako thinks nothing of her: now that’s just plain wrong. As I’ve just mentioned, he always tries to protect her and we’ve seen in subtle ways that he’s clearly grown fond of her over time. He’s a teasing little shit, but he’s not a bad guy that would string her along without a care in the world. Granted, they can’t possibly know all this, but still. Don’t go dissing my boy like that.

So, they give her a vial with the mermaid’s blood and if she drinks it, her bond with Hanako will be overwritten and her bond with the mermaid will be made official. Oh, and they also say that she then “will cease to transform in reaction to water”................doesn’t- doesn’t that mean she will just be a fish all the time? right??

Okay so they gave her one day to give them an answer.

!!!!!

There he is!! Update: still hot

Yashiro went to him to get him to stop her but he’s really not being helpful. He asks her if he talked with Hanako and Kou. Yashiro says it would be too awkward to talk with Kou after the donuts were destroyed and like........I get it, but still, he would completely understand. Kou is one of the most wholesome boys in existence, he would not hold that against you AND more importantly, he would love to help you in anything you needed. And oh! she says she tried talking to Hanako but she hasn’t been able to find him lately. I’m a bit surprised but also really glad that she realised that this was something that Hanako needed to be aware of. It sucks that Hanako is (most likely) avoiding her, even if it is understandable.

Yashiro points out that Tsuchigomori has known Hanako for a long time and asks him if he could tell her anything about his past. And again, I feel the need to point out that he’s probably gonna tell her when he’s ready to and going about it behind his back is not the best idea.

I’m glad to see that Tsuchigomori is on the same wavelength as me. Hanako obviously carries a heavy burden on his shoulders and it’s best for the truth to come out from his own mouth.

Awww, no, sweetie, it’s not that. I think he does trust you but he’s shielded himself from other people for so long that he has a hard time opening up to anyone. And yeah, Tsuchigomori tells her he’s probably afraid of her finding out (which, again, is understandable) and that, at any rate, she should make her own decision and to make sure that decision is one that she won’t regret.

Oh

Well, speak of the devil. Look who was eavesdropping! I’m actually okay with this since Hanako really needed to hear all that (not only what the situation itself is but also how she feels about their relationship).

(ಥ﹏ಥ) someone please give this sweet boy a hug, he needs it  (ಥ﹏ಥ)

Atta girl, Yashiro. She’s been having a slow character development as the story progresses and it’s honestly great to see. To me, this shows a good contrast between how easily she jumped from crush to crush and how dedicated she is to stick with Hanako and learn more about him. Yes, they are just friends, but the chemistry they have is undeniable, so I still think it’s a fair comparison.

..................I said they would be fish but still omfg. This manga really is a treasure pffffft

Hey! They snatched her against her will! So much for respecting her answer, huh. Fucking rude. Well......let’s hope Hanako knows how to fish.

Okay, so the fishes are listing her beautiful qualities in her fish form and

Again, fucking rude.

Oh, that’s the end of the chapter..........that felt short. Still a solid chapter, though. I like the slow buildup we’re establishing with Hanako and Yashiro and their relationship and I’m really excited to see how they develop it.

[gambissanctum]

Part 3. The Book of fortitude:Chapter One:Brandon’s Duplicity

photo credit @blacklightningriverdalerants​

Sorry this took so long guys! Hope you all had a  good holiday! Gonna try to post part 4 asap! In the mean time:

Make sure you also check out the podcast! Newer episode coming soon after tonight’s episode!

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/struck-by-black-lightning/id1484227773#episodeGuid=e34db4e5-534c-40f2-1db2-6b59d4cdaacf

https://anchor.fm/struckbyblacklightning

PART #3

-------

“ Am I suppose to?” PainKiller responds with a raised brow. “N..N..No I guess not” Jennifer’s voice implying she was withdrawing.Jennifer looks over to her mother  and Gambi with pain in her eyes. “I knew this wasn’t a good idea.” Gambi stressed.Jennifer turns back towards Khalil with an idea. “Jenn, don’t get too close” warns Gambi, getting into a defensive position.”I got it trust me” Jennifer assures them.Jennifer walks closer to PainKiller carefully and unclasping the necklace around her neck. She touches his hand and turns it to the palm side,placing the necklace in his hand.”Do you remember this?” Jennifer probed. Painkiller looks completely disinterested in the interaction. “Dr.Stewart is there a purpose in this interrogation?” Painkiller barked.

Jennifer’s desperation turns into brainstorming.Her eyes illuminate in a blaze. “You said there’s a chip right?” Jennifer questions. Her hand glows with electricity about to place her hand on PainKiller’s head. “Jenn wait!” Lynn interjects pulling Jennifer back. “Wha..” Jennifer thrown off.

PainKiller feels threatened seeing Jennifer’s powers. “A meta? hmm” He cracks his neck and moves it left to right standing up ready to take charge against Jennifer. “PainKiller, no!” Lynn exclaims. “Return to stasis now!” pushing Jennifer behind her more.

“Mom! It’s okay! I can do it.” Jennifer protests. “Jenn no!....Painkiller return to stasis immediately!”.

Painkiller squints his eyes cracking his knuckles.Taking a deep breath and shoots a distrustful glare; he sits back down. He moves back towards his bed returning to his robotic slumber.

All three take a sigh of relief. “Mom, why’d you stop me? I could have zapped the chip. That’s what you brought me here for right?” Jennifer scolded. “I know and initially I thought it might be a good idea but  it might do more harm than good.” Lynn replies. Gambi glances at Lynn with a I told you so kind of glare.”So, you’re just gonna give up on him?” Jennifer yells. “”No, of course not.” Lynn assures her. Gambi looks over at the security monitors seeing ASA guards walking a hall over.”We should go” Gambi suggests.

--------

Lynn walks Jennifer into the house.Jennifer runs past Jefferson to her room. Jefferson walks down the stairs making eye contact with Lynn.He watches her body language, it’s somewhat shifty. “How did it go?” Jefferson inquires.Lynn is uncomfortable “It went”. “That doesn’t sound good” Jefferson moves closer. “It wasn’t suppose to” Lynn snarls. “Lynn we need to talk” Jefferson pleads. “ Jeff, I need to get back to the lab.” Lynn turns walking towards the door.

“No….Lynn Im not letting you leave this house again without talking to me.” Jefferson demands.

“What do you want from me Jeff?” Lynn turns back around giving him a stern glare.

“Idk Lynn, a conversation with my wife?” he motions.“ex-wife” Lynn corrects him.Jefferson looks defeated.

“At-least can we talk about Jennifer? Is this a good idea having her go to the lab. She took Khalil’s death so hard ,I don’t think it’s good for her. What if we can’t help him.” Jefferson says.

“We can’t stop her life Jefferson” Lynn professed.

“I can’t use my powers but our daughter can?” Jefferson hissed raising his hands searching for the sense.”Jefferson you know this is different circumstances.” Lynn yells.

“Oh, because it has to do with your work right?”

“What are you implying?”

“You know what i’m implying”.

“Look Jefferson, she seems to finally have things under control, I’m not going to lose another kid.As long as she doesn’t start  taking a page out of  Anissa’s book she should be okay.” Lynn griped.Jefferson scoffs at her comments.

“ Honestly, it seems to me they could both take after their tenacious mother.” Jefferson rebuttals

“Says the vigilante.” Lynn jabbed back.

“Touche’” Jefferson reflecting on Lynn’s Wittiness.Lynn smirks claiming victory in the conversation.The energy shifts and Jefferson seems to be contemplating something.

“I know this wasn’t your dream.I know this isn’t how you envisioned your life and your family’s life to be.I Know this isn’t ideal and that’s my fault.” Jefferson apologizes looking for some kind of connection.“It is your fault” Lynn not giving up her defensiveness. Half of Jefferson’s words sound distorted to her.

“Even still though Lynn what’s going on with you?” Jefferson touches her shoulder concerned for her welfare.Her eyes are tired and look worn out.

“ What do you mean?” she’s uncomfortable.

“You dropped this earlier.” Jefferson continues, raising a valve of Greenlight.

Lynn’s eyes widen “Give me that?!”. She attempts to grab the valve but Jefferson swiftly moves it out of Lynn’s reach.

“It’s for my patients!” She emphasized.

Jefferson nods his head giving Lynn a unconvinced glare.He uses his powers to examine her body, seeing a green glow in her belly.

“So why are you taking it?”Jefferson yells demanding an answer.

“Where’s this coming from Jeff? It’s for my patients!” Lynn gets defensive.

Jefferson grits his teeth and his eyes illuminate.”Woman don’t lie to me. You know I can see--”…..Jefferson is interrupted. Lynn’s nose flares with fury.She snatches the valve out of Jefferson’s hand and storms out.Jefferson bangs his fist against the wall

“Damnit.”Jennifer is looking down from the stairs having observed the argument. She swiftly goes back into her room and locks the door. 

----

Brandon enters his apartment to see Jennifer sitting on the couch. “Yo, you gotta stop doing that!” Brandon huffs. “Doing what?” Jennifer shrugs. “Breaking and entering” Brandon replies raising his brows. 

“Look boy you wanted me to come over here...You just so happened to be out when I came so I figured I’d let myself in.” Jennifer says quick wittedly. “Uh huh” Brandon grumbled.

“Well, I think you’d be happy to know, I have some information on Dr. Jace.” Jennifer says matter of factly.

Brandon’s eye widen with curiosity. “Yup” Jennifer gives a quick up-down eye brow motion.

Jennifer goes over to Brandon’s computer. She pulls up the info sent to her by Sara Grey as Brandon looks over her shoulder.

“Jenn, where did you get this from? Who sent this to you?” Brandon inquires.

“Slow your roll, you asking too many questions, I said I had info on Jace, so here it is”. Jennifer smirks, proud of herself.”

Brandon found himself more intrigued by Jennifer.Possibly his feelings deepening.

“Thanks” Brandon says with sincerity. Their eye contact is flirtatious until Jennifer forces herself to look away changing the subject. Jennifer gets out of the chair walking towards the cabinet.

“You got any snacks in here?” She questions. “Dang, are they not feeding you at home?” Brandon joked. Jennifer rolls her eyes taking out a bag of chips. Brandon turns back around reading  more of the information provided by Jennifer.

“You think it’s a good idea to be going after Jace alone?” Jennifer questioned popping a chip in her mouth.“ Is Jennifer Pierce worried about me?” Brandon smirks.

“No, I just know how dangerous it can be. I don’t want to see anything bad happen to anyone else.” Sadness washed over Jennifer’s face. Her mind was on Khalil. It was like as soon as she was making steps to be vulnerable,shes reminded of why she chooses to be so hot and cold.

“ You okay Jenn?” he wonders looking in her eyes.

Jennifer lets out a breath “yeah, I’m good.”

“Oh yeah I meant to ask ..how did things go with your mom?”

“It was cool, nothing major.” Jennifer shrugs off. Jennifer pops the last chip in her mouth and crumbles up the bag.She looks down towards a trash can that is overflowing.

“Just because you live alone doesn’t mean you should have your trash like this”.She reprimands.Jennifer is about to pick up a balled up piece of paper and put it on top of the pile.

“Don’t touch that!” Brandon demands.

“Why not? “Jennifer laughs wondering why Brandon is so up in arms.

“What? You writing love letters or somethin?” She jokes.

Brandon tries to snatch the ball from her.“ It must be a real good one huh?”Jennifer maneuvers around him.“Aye Jen, come on!” He walks towards her.She turns around blocking him opening up the paper.

The letter reads :Tavon Singley 1345 S alvarado terrace, Freeland , Georgia 30311.

“What the hell? Why do you have Tavon’s address?” Jennifer questions turning around confused.

What’s Brandon’s excuse? Will Lynn and Jefferson get back on good terms? Will Jennifer help Khalil? Find out what happens next in Part 4.

[praphit]

Another Year, Another Recap - “Have a Coke and a smile... :)”

So, we're getting to the end, people. We're about to finish off another year. Personally, this year has been immensely better than the last.

I didn't even want to stay up and do any celebrating at the end of 2018. I just wanted to go to bed and be done with that bleepin year. This year has been a hell of a lot better. I hope that all of you can say something similar, but if not, there's always going to bed early, and putting your hope in the next year.

This past Christmas (and all Christmas', really) I spent time doing a lot of hating on Christmas music; it's a valued tradition of mine. I am, however, always surprised to find a few songs each year that don't bother me all that much. This year, one of them was John Legend's "Baby, It's cold outside" ft Kelly Clarkson  

- a rewritten, sans rapey vibe rendition to boot its 1940's something predecessor.

In this version (at least how I interpret it), both people wanted some action that night. John says all of the right stuff ("I'll call you a car", "maybe you SHOULD go"), creating a safe environment, and most importantly, not coming off as sleazy and rapey. He's also protecting himself with this recording:) But, let's be clear... he wants some, and he wants it bad! While Kelly, also wants some, but doesn't want to come off as being a hoe. Nobody wants to be labeled a hoe.  So, she says all of the right things as well ("My dad and brother are waiting for me", "I've gotta visit my sick grandma", "Gotta get home to the KIDS") But, at the end of the night, they both make a decision to sing to one another "Baby, It's cold outside, so let's stay in and BLEEP." That's how you do it! No guilt! No #METOO! No wife and kids around. All is well:) Divorces are still rising, and more older people (as well as old as bleep people) are on dating apps than ever before. Consider this song a Christmas gift from John & Kelly to you.

Sexiest man alive in 2019 btw

Congrats. Classic coming-up-out-of-the-water sexy.

There has been some good music in 2019. Good stuff happening. Also some sad and weird stuff happening in music - all things balance out, I suppose.

GOOD:

Lizzo

I am here for all things Lizzo.

SAD & WEIRD:

Maroon 5's Super Bowl performance. It wasn't even really M5's fault; they simply did what they always do. It was more a poor choice by the NFL. A boring and awkward performance. There was a time when all anybody wanted was a shirtless Adam Levine- both women AND men. Even times when he wasn't performing, he would show up places, some random person would announce to everyone "Don't worry, Adam WILL be taking off his shirt tonight." Talk about ME TOO. It was so bad that the old, white, slaveowners of the NFL hired Jay-Z (one of the blackest icons we have) to come and save them. We'll see how that turns out.

GOOD & WEIRD:

Tyler, The Creator - "IGOR"

One of my fav projects of the year. Tyler, the Creator is an odd dude - I mean this as a compliment. I love how Hip-Hop has evolved. There's a lot more room nowadays to be yourself, no matter how outsiders might deem your behavior as weird (sometimes, others NOT saying this as a compliment). I love his creativity, and hope he continues to inspire other artists (especially in hip-hop) to be creative. Heeeee also says stuff like this "I like girls, but I have sex with their brothers." But, also uses the word "gay" as an insult. Who knows?? There's a lot to unpack there.

SAD:

In other news, Camila Cabello might be a racist. Y'all can look it up if you'd like, but some posts of hers resurfaced. I'm a fan of hers, and checked out the posts for myself, thinking "People are prob just overreacting" - they're not, it's bad. She has apologized, saying the whole "I'm older and wiser now" thing. The prob with that is she's only 22.

GOOD & BAD, I GUESS:

ADELE

It's always good to see Adele out and about. These holiday pics show that's she's still alive (I get concerned, cuz she tends to disappear for a while) and apparently a lot thinner. This of course stirs men to say men type things, women to go on the attack, and all genuine compliments towards her to get lost. The good news is, Adele seems to be getting pretty chummy with Santa, and everyone knows that St. Nick is a heartbreaker. Adele should be spurned and back in the studio writing amazing tunes soon enough.

WEIRD:

Kanye

These pics say it all. 

... that being said, I love his new music (which is how I stamp all of my conversations about Ye).

GOOD:

Billie Eilish! 

Now (like many), one of my fav artists. 

BAD:

She just turned 18, so of course, us men being ourselves again say things like "She's 18 now. You know what that means." Honestly, I'm still trying to figure out what that means. Nothing says crossing-over into womanhood quite like being objectified.

Speaking of 2019 pervs - R.KELLY!

We can throw MJ and... what the hell, I'll just throw Spacey in there as well (his documentary is coming soon enough, I'm sure).

We were all enthralled by these two docuseries. It's interesting how different races respond to MJ. Both see him as... you know, but most black people are still listening to his music. White people on the other hand are ready to riot every time someone plays one of his songs... except around Halloween - gotta have "Thriller".

We love depressing television.

There was "Chernobyl" as well as "When they see us"

Movies too -

"Joker"

I love this movie, but it's about a homicidal clown, struggling with mental illness.

"Us"

I love this movie, but it's about classism and marginalization.

"Endgame"

It's largely about grief.

It's the best movie of the year, as far as I'm concerned!

It should win all awards!

ALL OF THEM!

Best Horror

Best Comedy

Best Romance

Remember when he sent the message to his wife? Cute, right?

Personally, I think he and Nebula were banging in each other.

... I think that story is going to come out some day. C’mon... they were up in space, alone... they both thought they were going to die. She was like “OMG, I’ve always wanted to bang Robert Downey Jr. 

He was like “I don’t blame you.”

But, afterwards, he was like 

 - you know? He felt all bad, because he’d never get to do that again (that was the last of his energy). Annnnd also because he cheated. Which led to that cute recording for his wife. SEE, it’s all connected!

Best actor in Josh Brolin (Thanos) - the range of emotions (satisfaction, terror, humility, revenge, arrogance, beatin ass, defeat) Leo and Brad Pitt ain't have to do all of that!

Best Actress... hmm.. idk about this one. Many say J.Lo deserves an Oscar for her performance in "Hustlers" - a movie made for strippers, by strippers.

Exotic dancers are making a comeback! Maybe one day, stripping will be going in the same direction marijuana is - just something people do. No more shame! You can actually make a decent living at it - ain't that right, Stormy?

And who can forget this J.Lo quote "This city, this whole country, is a strip club. You've got people tossing the money. and people doing the dance."

There have also been plenty of things in 2019 that I have not understood:

1) Hatin on Greta

Greta - trying hard to do what she believes will make this world a better place for us all.

Certain people - "Shut that bitch up! She's crazy!"

2) Hatin on Megan Rapinoe

MP - leading a soccer team to a World Cup victory, being outspoken for women's rights and gay rights, having awesome purple hair, and trying to be the best leader and athlete she can be.

Certain people - "Shut that bitch up! She's Crazy! Equal pay my ass!"

3) Popeyes Chicken Sandwich

 - the gov't test for a new crack epidemic. Sadly, I never got to partake.

4) Allison Mack

- This whole story began being unveiled in 2018, but continued through this year. I still don’t understand how this story has not gotten more attention. Some of y’all don’t even know what I’m talking about.... google it, and be horrified.

5) BTS (and K-pop in general)

-I love them, but... our country's K-Pop fetish has gotten kinda out of hand. All kinds of artists are trying to share the spotlight with them. Next, we're going to see them team up with Kendrick Lamar.

6) TikTok - I just don't get it. What’s the difference? 

7) Cancel Culture

To me all cancel culture is silenced by Trump being our president. Where was all of this righteous indignation when we voted him into office? You might say "I didn't vote for him." Yeah, but, WE did - Idk what that says about us, but it's prob not good.

It doesn't even really work - Louis CK is currently selling out venues for an unapologetic tour. I'm not even saying that it SHOULD work (in SOME cases). I'm simply saying that it doesn't work (in most cases). But, perhaps the fear of it working is enough. Or perhaps we should think through how we spend our anger.

BUT, enough of that! It's time to pass out this year's PRAPHIE AWARD!

Here are the noms:

Jordan Peele

Pedro the turtle

(no need for context, just know he’s awesome)

Baby Yoda

 (btw - studies show that if you have access to "The Mandalorian" and you AREN'T watching it, you're an asshole. This is not ME talking, this is science)

Megan Rapinoe (who I’ve already mentioned)

Flying Elbow Guy (Again, this requires no context. It’s Flying Elbow Guy! There is a baseball player who’s name I can’t remember. He took on a whole team, and... you know what - that’s too much exposition. It’s Flying Elbow Guy!

  Keanu Reeves

Annnnnnnd! It’s...

...

KEANU!

This year:

Of course JW, Toy Story 4, Cyberpunk 2077, “Always be my Maybe”, plus we found out that he’s down for The Matrix 4, John Wick 4, and Bill & Ted. CRAZY!

Also my BAMF of the year (see previous post)!

We love Keanu Reeves so much, that he's allowed to murder as many people as he wants (as John Wick).

We'll get mad if an actor who's not handicapped is playing someone who is, we'll get mad about whitewashing (as we should), we'll get mad if things are too sexualized, we GOT MAD at "Joker" for predicted violence. But, Keanu can murder all he wants:)

(See the scene above? - that was a McDonald’s before he showed up)

He found love as well. Women are loving that he chose someone closer to his age. Honestly, Idk why it matters. I'd still love this man, even if he were dating 22 year old, racist ass Camila Cabello.

But, he's viewed by some as the perfect man. I disagree. I don’t think that he’s merely the perfect man, but the perfect human.

His career and popularity paths are unique. No one would call him a... GOOD actor, but look at him! And he seems like a genuinely, awesomely, good person. And whatever "good person" means to you, he's at the top! We should all (men and women) be a lil more like Keanu in 2020.

Let's all be as lovable as we can, so we may all get away with as much as we can:)

With each new year, I challenge myself with a slogan to live by. In 2020, it's going to be this - 

From Eddie Murphy’s “Raw”- Richard Pryor’s advice to Eddie, concerning Bill Cosby 

Telling certain people in my way "To have a Coke and a smile, and shut the bleep up." Sometimes, I might need to be the one to do this, rather than say it - we'll see.

Here was the runner-up slogan (his response)

Magical.

Happy New Year, Everyone! Enjoy yourselves. Be less of an asshole. And be safe... enough to at least make it TO 2020.

Much love!

[sweethomelima]

Text || Samcedes

Mercy: Sam, hey its Mercedes

Mercy: Oh if this is the wrong number Sorry.

Sam: No, I told you I didn't change it

Mercy: No this isn't Sam, or no it is Sam because I didn't change it?

Sam: this is Sam

Sam: I didn't change my number

Sam: always been here.

Mercy: Well okay hi. Hope you had a good day today.

Mercy: First I wanted to thank you for not acting weird or anything last night. SJ had fun talking Marvel with you.

Sam: Yeah, you too!

Sam: I was kind of in my element there

Sam: I could've fielded DC too

Mercy: I am sure he would have given you a run for your money, he loves the Flash and Batman.

Mercy: So we are leaving tomorrow and I wanted to see if you had the papers, and if you wanted to see him again before we left.

Sam: I am an expert in Batman!

Sam: Already?

Mercy: Well he will be glad to hear that.

Mercy: Our lives are in L.A. Sam.

Sam: I have them

Sam: I didn't sign them yet

Sam: I'm still reading them

Mercy: Sam there is nothing there that would cause any issues. It's just a divorce.

Sam: My mom said never to sign something you haven't read

Mercy: Okay I understand that

Sam: Just gonna take me awhile.

Sam: idk how long

Mercy: Sam what do I have to do to get you to just sign them now?

Sam: I need to read them. I said that

Mercy: Sam I know if I leave here without them they will never get signed. Why are you holding on so tight to something that was over years ago? Its a divorce stating what's yours is yours and what's mines is mines, simple to the point.

Sam: I just said I wanna read them

Sam: that's it

Mercy: And you also said you don't know how long it will take you to read like 6 pages. I have to go, I can't be here for a long time.

Sam: we both know I'm not very smart

Mercy: That's a lie.

Mercy: You are smarter than you give yourself credit for.

Sam: Still can't read very well

Sam: so I can't tell you how long it'll be

Sam: I have to do other things too, like cleaning my apartment and go to the gym

Mercy: You can read just fine Sam and we both know that.

Mercy: Okay now I know you are playing games.

Sam: it does take me extra time. That's not a lie.

Mercy: I know that Sam, but cleaning your apartment? Really?

Sam: It's very dirty

Mercy: I bet it is

Mercy: I need you to work with me here(edited)

Sam: I am.

Sam: I'm going to read them! I already started!

Mercy: Fine.

Mercy: Soooo we didn't get to talk about you, how is your family?

Sam: Doing well, you know.

Sam: The kids are almost done with high school which makes me feel old but

Mercy: You are Sold

Sam: Don't remind meeeee

Mercy: How is your mom? I have been meaning to talk to her but I know she is might hate me.

Sam: For going to LA?

Sam: I don't think she does

Sam: she always said I should apologize for not going with you haha

Mercy: For leaving, for not telling her about SJ, even if you didn't believe it she would have.

Sam: Yeah, well. She doesn't know about him

Sam: Like I didn't

Mercy: You didn't tell her?

Sam: I've been a little busy trying to come to terms with it myself

Mercy: Maybe I should just go and let you mail it to me.

Sam: If that's your choice.

Mercy: Fine!

Sam: Great.

Sam: I'll send them

Sam: When do you need them?

Sam: I'll get them to you then.

Mercy: Monday

Sam: And when are you getting married?

Mercy: You don't get to know that.

Sam: Okay.

Sam: See, I'm trying to make sure I have them to you when you need them

Sam: I want to have time to think about it.

Mercy: What is there to think about Samuel?

Sam: A lot.

Sam: like maybe I should get to see SJ.

Sam: so maybe we need a custody thing.

Sam: I don't know

Mercy: SO NOW YOU WANT TO KNOW YOUR SON? AFTER YOU HAD 8 YEARS?

Sam: I JUST FOUND OUT

Sam: THIS SHIT YOU'RE PULLING ISN'T CUTE

Mercy: That stuff I'm pulling? I wrote you and told you that I was pregnant, that you should just swallow your damn pride and come to me, and you sent back divorce papers, so don't get me started on that one.

Sam: You sent ME divorce papers!

Sam: and no letter

Sam: Jesus Christ, is this what you think is fun now?

Sam: Fucking with some townie loser you used be with?

Mercy: Are you serious right now?

Mercy: Like I can't tell if you are playing with me right now.

Sam: I'm very serious. It's not funny.

Mercy: Then stop playing around and be serious. I got your papers, which is why I find it funny that you never signed it. I get you were bitter but to abandon your pregnant wife?

Mercy: I always thought you were better than that.

Sam: I didn't do ANY of that

Sam: I mean, the last part happened inadvertently but I didn't send anything! Or get anything other than some divorce papers which, yes, I did not sign.

Mercy: My manager handed me the papers they were addressed to me, sent from you.

Sam: if I sent them, don't you think I'd have signed them first

Mercy: Sometimes you are scatterbrained.

Sam: I think you sent me divorce papers when you found out you were pregnant because you didn't think I was ready or something

Sam: I was

Mercy: Wow, for the record Sam, I thought you would be an amazing father. Ima gonna go.

Sam: Great

Mercy: It was nice seeing you Sam, if you could tell your parents before tomorrow about YOUR SON that would be great since I will let him meet them before I leave Lima for good.

Sam: How am I supposed to explain an eight year old I JUST found out about and how the fuck I missed that?

Mercy: Figure it out. I had too.

Sam: You keep acting like I knew.

Sam: Like you don't know me well enough to know I could never not step in.

Mercy: I told you Sam, I put that on everything, I don't know what happened, if you blocked it out, if you are trying to justify not being here by saying I didn't but I know my truth.

Mercy: I may not have told the world I have a child, because by the time I got on the scene and really started making a name for myself he was 2 and I didn't want that life for him, so I never said anything to maintain some privacy in my life. But you, I told you.

Sam: You didn't.

Sam: This isn't funny.

Mercy: No its not funny not at all.

Mercy: You really didn't know? Not in all these years? Because I swear to you I sent you that letter telling you about him.

Sam: I didn't get a letter.

Sam: Just divorce papers.

Mercy: This makes no sense

Sam: Hey, were on the same page for once

Mercy: Sam I promise you I sent you the letter, and then I got divorce papers in return

Sam: and I didn't send them.

Sam: if there was a letter, I'd have been there

Sam: could have called

Mercy: Call the man who refused to pick up his life and move with me for my dream?

Mercy: I couldn't call you, it hurt too much

Sam: You could have come back when you weren't recording.

Sam: I have a life here, Mercy.

Mercy: Come back to a man who didn't want me.

Mercy: I know that Sam, but I had a future there.

Sam: I did want you

Sam: I've always wanted you

Mercy: I guess it doesn't matter now does it?

Sam: Yeah

Sam: Your whole story is fucking me up

Sam: I don't get how this became my fault?

Mercy: I asked you to come with me Sam, I told you I wanted us to be together, I gave you the ticket to come. You didn't.

Sam: I said the same thing, but you didn't like my way

Mercy: I was scared, scared if I stayed in Lima, even part time, that I would lose myself.

Sam: Yeah

Mercy: I am trying to be honest with you. I thought you would just come when you were ready

Sam: I'm not ready

Sam: I know you and probably everyone else from glee "outgrew" Lima

Sam: I still haven't.

Mercy: I know. It's why I had to move on Sam, and you had to find someone who wanted the same things you do. You deserved that.

Sam: I never wanted anyone else

Mercy: Sam I just

Mercy: Sam I want you to be happy

Sam: Yeah

Sam: I said I'll send them

Mercy: Send what?

Mercy: Oh I wasn't even thinking about thing right now

Sam: I'm just saying. You want to leave again and I'm not stopping you

Mercy: I know you aren't. You moved on too.

Sam: I didn't.

Mercy: You did. You can say you didn't but the truth is if you didn't move on we would still be together.

Sam: because I didn't go to LA?

Sam: Why was I the only one who had to give something up

Mercy: You weren't! I had to give up you! SJ had to give up a father! You aren't the only one who lost something Sam, I lost you.

Sam: yeah, I lost you and him too.

Mercy: You can have a relationship with him if you want.

Sam: And so will your fiancé

Mercy: He's not a bad guy.

Sam: Hey, I never said he was

Mercy: Just thought you should know

Sam: I don't care about him

Sam: [ five minutes later ] No, we both know that's a lie. I hate him

Mercy: Why do you hate him?

Sam: You'll know exactly why if you stop and think for a second

Mercy: Because of SJ

Sam: Not Just

Mercy: What do you want from me Sam?

Sam: Do I need to say it!

Mercy: Well I certainly don't know

Sam: You.

Mercy:-[Deleted] Sam don't do this.

Mercy:-[Deleted] I just got over you...

[five minutes later]

Mercy: I can stay for a few more days so you can spend time with SJ.

Sam: Yeah, maybe we can figure out how to tell my mom lol

Mercy: I'm gonna let you do that one

Sam: No help?

Mercy: Fine

Sam: I doubt she'll buy the truth

Sam: Which you apparently don't buy either.

Mercy: Why wouldn't I tell you?

Sam: I don't know!

Mercy: I don't wanna go back around in a circle like this.

Sam: I just wanted to know why you didn't tell me

Mercy: And I keep telling you that I did. I wrote you I felt if I called you I would break down and a letter was safer...

Sam: I didn't get a letter!

Sam: I don't know why you don't believe me

Mercy: I don't know why you don't believe me.

Sam: Because I only got the papers you sent me.

Mercy: The papers I sent back to you

Sam: Right because I sent you unsigned papers

Sam: I thought you agreed I wasn't dumb lol

Mercy: I don't know what to tell you.

Sam: Okay

Mercy: So where does that leave us Sam?

Sam: Not where I want to be

Mercy: when are you free?

Sam: i'm free now

Mercy: I was going to take SJ to the Zoo, you can come with us.

Sam: I'm always up for being with you

Sam: And SJ. Really hoping he'll like me lol

Mercy: SJ loves you he's still talking about you. Just so you know going to a Zoo or park with me is often... crazy I wanna say.

Sam: Good.

Sam: is it bad I want him to like me more than your fiancé?

Sam: Probably not. I'm his father.

Sam: You think I don't remember how you get?

Mercy: it's not bad Sam, SJ is your son of course you want him to like you

Mercy: He will like you just fine.

Mercy: I mean it's been years

Sam: Hopefully.

Sam: And maybe I'll have to come to LA and see him.

Sam: I remember everything about you

[Mercy:Deleted] So you will go to L.A. for th-

Mercy: yeah maybe.

Mercy: I will have the car pick you up unless you just wanna meet us there

Sam: Whatever works for you.

Mercy: You gonna be okay being driven around in a town car?

Sam: Unless you're gonna let me pick up you two in my old truck?

Mercy: Soooo if I tell you something you gotta keep it secret

Sam: Now I'm curious

Mercy: My driver is my bodyguard, under my contract I can't go anywhere without him.

Sam: Are you saying I'm not able to protect you?

Mercy: Not at all its just in my contract

Sam: Sneak off

Mercy: Yeah I get fined for that

Mercy: He won't bother us, you won't even know he's there

Sam: I don't know if I believe that but!

Mercy: But?!...

Sam: But I'm good

Mercy: You gotta be clear babe you coming with?

Sam: Babe?

Sam: I'll meet you there

Mercy: What? Why did you call me Babe?

Mercy: Okay

Sam: You called me babe and I was questioning it

Mercy: I did?

Mercy: Oh I did, I'm sorry

Sam: It's fine

Mercy: We will see you there.

Mercy: SJ wants me to wear my "Spidermom" because he is wearing his, if you want to wear Spiderman you can

Sam: I got you

[whydontwe-fanfics]

Impulse (Z.H)

Description: You and Zach get into an argument and for a second you think he'd hit you.

Request: Can you write an imagine that's like Reflex, but with Zach ? Sorry if it's a weird request idk 😂Thank you so much 💗

Warnings: abuse mentioned, angst (my lifeline)

Word Count: 2.1k

---

It was another night spent in front of your laptop and you weren't binge-watching on Netflix.

Your fingers typed away at the keyboard as your eyes roamed across the screen repeatedly. Your actions seemed robotic as you sat in that loop for hours. Your stomach growled, but you didn't move to get anything to eat. You needed to finish this essay before six in the morning and it was currently twelve.

Your eyes stung with tiredness and just blinking seemed to try to pull you into sleep, but you knew you couldn't. One late assignment would pull your grade back twenty percent, and you couldn't afford that drop.

As what seemed to be the hundredth yawn that left your mouth that day, a knock on the door took your once undivided attention away from your computer.

When you rose to your feet, your legs felt sore from being in the same position for so long. You stretch your arms above your head as you make your way to your door.

You don't forget to look through the peephole before opening the door and revealing at your boyfriend.

"Hey, babe," Zach's smile slowly fades when his eyes land on yours whilst you muster up a smile before stifling another yawn.

"What's wrong?" you ask when you see the small frown forming on his face as he makes his way inside.

"You look exhausted," he observes your face.

"That's because I am," you sigh, closing the door behind him and locking it.

"When's the last time you slept?" he asked while tugging his coat off and draping it over the arm-rest of your couch.

"Last night," you shrug, hugging yourself. He leisurely approaches you before wrapping his arms around you and giving you a hug.

"For what? Five minutes?"

"Four hours, actually," you let out a small chuckle but cut yourself off when Zach pulls away with a sigh.

"Y/N, you have to get more sleep," he takes notice of the bags under your eyes along the redness in them.

"I had to get up at five for work at the barista," you tell him. "And then class until two and after that, I had to work at the kiosk until six. Then, after that, I had my shift at the cinema."

"I thought you had today off," he furrowed his eyebrows and you shook your head. "When did you get home?"

"Ten? Eleven?" you were questioning yourself.

"Y/N," Zach groans with an edge to his voice.

"What?" your voice grew high as you headed back to your bedroom.

"Why do you do this to yourself?" he asks, following behind you.

"You know why I 'do this to myself'," you roll your eyes.

Zach knew how hard your life was. Ever since you were a child you've had to work for everything you were given. Your parents were both deceased and you grew up with your grandparents who didn't have much money. Your first job was at ten years old, sweeping hair off of the ground at your cousin's barber shop. Money has always been a problem, but now it's just getting worse. Your grandfather has been in the hospital for the last two weeks and someone has to pay the bills - something your grandmother could partially do, due to her retired pensions.

Therefore you worked and worked. Your grandfather wouldn't last much longer, that being the sad truth. Eventually, given the next two month or so, all bills should be paid but then comes the rent and house bills that you and your grandmother have to pay.

"I could help," Zach suggested and you turned to him with a frown. He watched you with sad eyes, wishing he could help, but you never accepted any money from him and it was frustrating.

"No, Zach," you shake your head. "I'm not gonna take your earned money."

"You barely sleep, Y/N. All you do is work. You're sixteen, you shouldn't be living life like this," Zach input.

"I'm used to it," you shrug before making your way to your desk and sitting in front of your laptop.

"Did you even eat today?"

"I had a bagel from the coffee shop and a granola bar at the theatre," you hum as your fingers get back to typing away at the keyboard.

"What about your school lunch?"

"Was busy in the library," you reply. Because you didn't have much time at home to do your schoolwork, you did it whenever you had the chance in school. Whether that was during lunch or while a movie was playing in class because a teacher was too lazy to teach, you were always completing your work.

"I can't be the only one worrying about you," Zach sighed and you turned to look at him over your shoulder.

"I never asked you to," you shrug before looking back at your laptop.

"I'm supposed to look after you," he groaned. "I'm your boyfriend."

"You aren't my father," you huff.

"Seriously, Y/N. When are you gonna start caring for yourself?"

"My grandparents are going through tough times, Zach," you argued, fully spinning in your chair to face him.

"They've always been going through rough times."

You couldn't help but feel offended.

"I'm not gonna apologizing for being there for the only two people who've cared for me growing up," you frown.

"That's not what I'm saying," he defended himself. "You need to start putting yourself first."

"I'll put myself first when my grandmother is out of debt and she's living the life she deserves," you scoff. "If you just came here to criticize everything I do, then you can leave."

"I'm not criticizing everything you do, I'm just saying that sometimes you need a break," Zach grumbled, wondering how things escalated so quickly.

"I quite literally can't afford a break," you scoff. "I need this academic scholarship and to get that I need A's in each and every one of my classes. I have to work for everything I own, Zach."

"You say that like you have something against me."

You don't reply, exhaling from your nose. You didn't like where this conversation was going.

"Well do you?"

"No," you rub your forehead.

"To me, it sounded like you were implying that I don't work for everything I have," he continued and you couldn't help but roll your eyes.

"I didn't imply that," your voice grows higher.

"I'm just looking out for you, here," Zach furrowed his eyebrows.

"I'm not your responsibility. I can take care of myself."

"You're doing a shit job at it."

You clench your jaw as he says this. "Why are you being such an asshole?"

"Because I've had enough of it," he countered.

"Of what?"

"Of you being like this!" Zach signaled to your laptop.

"You've had enough of me making a living for myself?"

"Oh my Go- Y/N, just listen to me!" he runs his hands down his face from aggravation.

"I am listening!"

"No, you aren't!" Both he and you were now yelling at one another as if it wasn't almost one in the morning.

"You don't understand what I'm going through, Zach. You don't know the kind of stress I have every day because our lives are nothing alike."

"Please, elaborate."

"We were both raised very differently, we both know that. You haven't gone through as many struggles as I have and I don't think you should be telling me how to live my life."

"I'm not telling you how to live your life! You're not understanding-"

"I am understanding. You want me to wind down and 'relax', but I can't. What about that don't you understand? I didn't ask for this life, but I have it and I can either make nothing of myself or find a way to make something."

When Zach picks his hands up to rest them on top of his head, he doesn't miss the way you flinched and subconsciously took a step away from him.

He caught it just when you did, and you mentally curse at yourself.

"Did you just...did you just flinch?" Zach's voice was now nowhere near the volume that they were both arguing with previously.

"I do-I don't know why I-" you stutter, running a hand through your hair.

"You thought I'd hit you," he deeply frowned.

"No, no," you frantically shake your head. "I know you'd never hit me." It was as if the air in the room had shifted.

"I don't want you to ever think that," his voice was softer now, a tone you preferred.

"I don't," you take a step closer to him. "I don't think that. It's just-I... I saw your hand and I don't know why but my parents came to mind and-and-" Tears stung at the back of your eyes but they didn't fall.

Zach didn't hesitate before pulling you into his arms and leading you both to your bed, where the two of you sit down.

He knew the story. The story behind the reason you were sent to live with your grandparents.

Your parents were abusive. From the day you were born to age ten, they were terrible at parenting. Your father had left you home alone for two days when you were just three and your mother seemed to believe that you were more of an unwanted pet than her own child. They would both punish and hit you for small reasons such as not resetting the microwave after using it, forgetting to push your chair in, accidentally closing your door, missing a corner of the table when cleaning, etc. The list goes on and on and the bruises that were no longer present on your body weren't easy to forget.

"I'm sorry," Zach embraced you tightly.

"It's not your fault," you told him. "I just had the impulse to cover my face, but you aren't them. You'd never do anything like that." You close your eyes and try to ease your heavy breathing as your head rests on his chest.

Zach lets out a sigh and tightened his grip on you, his lips against your hairline.

"All I want is for you to be stress-free with just one relaxed day to yourself," he mumbled, his hand rubbing up and down your arm. "And I want to help but it's hard when you won't accept anything."

"I just don't want to take any money from you," you huff, pulling away slightly so you could see his face and vice versa.

"What about a loan, then? I pay for what you need and eventually you pay me back half."

"Half?" You raise a single eyebrow.

"Yeah, and the half that stays on me can be like a universal gift or something."

You can't help the tears that slowly make their way down your face and by this point you didn't even know what emotion they were from. Stress? Relief? Gratitude? All of the above, maybe?

"Babe," Zach murmured, pulling you back into his chest as you silently cried.

"I love you, Zach," you shook your head. "And I'm sorry I've been so bitchy lately."

"You aren't bitchy," he scoffs. "We just have our disagreements sometimes and let that get to our heads."

You nod your head in agreement.

"And I love you more than you could possibly know," He kisses your forehead and you felt as if your heart fluttered. "How about we head to sleep?"

"Wait," you murmur, hastily pulling yourself out of his hold and rushing to your laptop.

"Babe," Zach groaned.

"I just need to..." you add a period to your five-page essay and save the document before turning off the screen and hurrying back into Zach's arms.

He chuckles as the two of you fall back into a lying position. He slightly turns and bends his neck to place a kiss on your lips. You shift your positions so you're both lying on your sides and facing one another. His hand rests on your hip as yours is placed on his shoulder.

Both of your head tilt to opposite angles as your kissing grows more intense by the second.

But then Zach slowly pulled away, a small smile playing on his lips.

"C'mon, you need some sleep," he murmurs, his face in the crook of your neck as he hums against your skin.

"But who's gonna turn off the light?" you whisper.

---

Masterlist | Request Here

---

Tag List: @maddie-leighhh @my-otpkilledme @larrystylionsonisbae24-1 @seavveywdw @duh-danii @thefangirlingmaster @lyssaholic @prettylittlesheerio @why-dxnt-we

[scarlethaki-archived]

[ I’m writing this to explain my side of the story since I’ve been painted as some heartless witch that can’t stand people making ooc/silly posts or even like I’m trying to turn people against others.  The only reason I’m making this post is because I’ve been vagueposted about and blocked on my other account, so my follow-up message to reach out and discuss things had never been responded to. I honestly don’t give a shit about the blocked part. What has made me the most frustrated is that they are ignoring the main point of this issue that has now ended up involving one of my friends too. We are NOT upset about the ooc posts or how you run your blog, it’s how you’ve gone and painted us as villains and you as the innocent victim in all of this. This is not to say that we are the victims in this situation either, because I for one prefer not to act like one.

Here is a screen cap of the message I sent. The hate-filled attack that started this all:

“Hey! I just wanted to pop in and tell you beforehand that the reason I unfollowed you on this blog and on scarlethaki is because I was uncomfortable with the amount of ooc posts that ended up taking over my dashboard. I just want to reassure you that it’s nothing against you as a person, and I’m still okay with interactions if you want to. :)”

That was the message I sent. Please tell me if that was uncivil in any way. Everyone has their preferences, and when your blog is 90% ooc that floods my dashboard, that’s my personal choice to draw the line there. I don’t mind ooc or crack posts at all-- I do them a lot too, but it was the amount in even just a single hour, and this in undeniable to anyone who knows this blog. You can post as much ooc as you want, but some people just don’t want their roleplay dash to be flooded with ooc conversations, shitposting, and pictures of girls in bikini and underwear. It’s even stated in the rules pages of all my accounts-- I may unfollow if the amount of unrelated ooc exceeds my preferences. Perhaps it would have been more tolerable to me if an ooc tag was used, but this person did not use that either (at the time).

They have every right to post as much ooc content they want, and I have every right to unfollow them if it gets too much for me. The only reason I messaged them first is because I didn’t want them to find out I unfollowed them later on their own and feel even worse/more awkward about it.

These were some of the responses on that person’s blog.

#DO U EVER LIKE GET ONE OF THOSE DAYS WHEN THINGS JUST SEEM TO GO WRONG EVERYWHERE SOMEHOW #... #IDK MAN #ITS LIKE EVERY SMOL THING OF BAD THAT HAPPENS YOU GET LIKE #.... #OKAY THEN FUCK IT #TBD. #JUST #PLS GET THIS THING ON YOUR HEAD GUYS IF PEEPS DONT WANT YOU THEN ITS THEIR LOSS #TBH #TBH DONT SET UP UR EXPECTATIONS TOO HIGH #ALSO DO KNOW THAT IF YOU HAVE THAT HOUR WHER EYOU'RE LIKE HAVING FUN OOC AND REBLOG/POST TOO MUCH SHITPOST I WILL NOT UNFOLLOW YOU FOR THAT. #I DO THOSE SMTMS BUT AS YOU CAN PROBS SEE WHILE SCROLLING I DELETE IT LATER ON #LIKE... #OKAY THEN. #NO ITS FINE RLLY #IM JUST. #AT LEAST TELL ME BEFORE I SEND IN THINGS TO YOUR ASKBOX BCS SOMEHOW THAT S HUMILIATING? #I MEAN. #OKAY THEN. JUST. #IM NOT NORMALLY THIS MEAN BUT WHEN I FEEL LIKE DIS I HONESTL DONT LOOK BACK AND CONSIDER BLOCKING PEEPS BCS #IM ALREADY INSECURE AND HAVE LOTS OF TRUST ISSUES FROM MY BULLYING YEARS AND NARC ABUSE EXERCISED IN MY TOXIC HOUSEHOLD #I DONT THINK I NEED MORE SHIT TBH. #I KNOW PROBS IM OVERREACTING AND THAT IF YOU APOLOGIZE FOR IT AND ALL SHOULD BE FINE BUT. #..... #HONESTLY. #ITS NOT. #EXCUSE ME IF ITS TOO MUCH OOC FOR YOU THEN. #BUT TBH EVERYONE HAS THOSE TIMES WHERE CRACK IS IN THE BLOG OR SHITPOST ENSUES #BUT DID YOU EVEN SEE THE TAGS SAYING TBD - TO BE DELETED?

#BUT TBH.... YOU MIGHT NOTE THAT EVEN IF THERE ARE CANNON CHARAS BLOGS AROUND ...I WILL NOT FOLLOW THEM ALL #THE REASON IS NOT ALWAYS THE WRITING OR PORTRAYAL BUT WHAT JUST HAPPENED #LIKE I RECEIVED HATE BEFORE FOR JUST SAYING SOMETHING A SHIPPER DID NOT LIKE #I DID NOT LIKE CROSS BOUNDARIES OR HATE ON THEM AOR ANYTHING IMERELY SAID THAT THERE WAS THIS TROPE THAT WAS LIKE BEING OVERUSED OR SMTH #AND YEAH #BUT YEAH THIS IS ONE OF THE MAIN REASONS WHY I DO MAINS CALLS BCS OF THESE SITUATIONS. #TBD.

H**** pls *raises hands* (anditsokayimajudokaicankickpeoplesassesnowrries!!) its fine rlly. thats their loss tbh. its just that it was a bit humiliating bcs the person sent me a mssg about how they werent folowing me anymore bcs of the ooc posts and i had just sent in a ic ask too - posts which later on get deleted anyways tho i do keep the content in a private paste or smth saved in case there’s something i need from it like the post about inviting u guys to gow tih me next year but—\ rlly i dont want drama !! they did apologize it just does still hurt bcs u know i just had sent in a interaction ic, but….its fine . it wont do any good causing chaos over this rlly. ^^’

yeah i totally share the opinion! which is why i think that this is a hobby and we’re humans not machines so ofc we’ll have those times where shitpost just happens and like when u guys this week calmed me down bcs i was having a nervous breakdown due to the late events …like this is our safe space so. but tbh im just not to have drama bcs i already have so much shit to deal on my dramatic life tbh ya feel? i dont want  like to be the one starting some kind of chaos here in the fandom bcs i totally know i will not get along with everyone thats scientifically impossible. i can tell u in private who it is if u want to know anyways but do promise me that you wont go to their inbox or anything for my sake. i honestly dont want to start drama or cause things.

Those were ALL in reaction to that single message I sent. As admittedly pissed off as I was, I decided to let it go. Strangely enough, despite the fact that I said I ran scarlethaki, this user has continued to follow me on here even though I unfollowed weeks ago. They also still follow my other blogs which I’ve mentioned I’ve run before, so I really don’t know what the thinking is here. But I didn’t block you and I never will, because I’m leaving the option of coming to me to discuss things open to you. I’ve tried approaching you once and that clearly didn’t work so the ball’s in your court now. Shutting your ears to someone never fixes a problem, it just gives you a sense of blissful ignorance to the real situation at hand.

The thing that frustrated me to no end was the amount of hypocrisy and victim-playing going on.

I sent you a private, friendly message. Instead of responding, you blocked me and then go off on your blog. Your messages were very clearly directed at me. So why couldn’t you just speak to me face to face? Is it because you wanted the sympathy of the public?

You say you don’t want drama... and yet you make several ranty posts to the public to see? How will this not incite drama? “I don’t want drama.” “It won’t do good causing chaos over this.” Are you not seeing what you’re doing? 

“I won’t get along with everyone” Please tell me WHERE in my original post I was ever hateful to you or said I didn’t like you. You’re making things up in your head.

“I can tell you in private who it is if u want to know anyways but do promise me that you wont go to their inbox or anything for me sake. I honestly don’t want to start drama or cause things.” So the people that are being slandered have to just sit quietly while you go off about them, even when you say that you’ll tell anyone that asks you about it? You may not have actually told anyone in private, but at this point I’ll be distrustful of everything you say due to the victim-playing and manipulation of the public going on here.

I won’t add too much about this next part since @jurakyuru​ has already defended their personal case, but since it’s tied into the original issue involving me, I will summarize it because I’m at my wits end.

This user had sent my friend a message asking them why they unfollowed and if it was a tumblr glitch. Funny enough, this is the exact situation I had wanted to avoid putting her in when I sent her that first message. I didn’t want her to feel awkward or embarrassed asking about such a thing and she blocked me for it, yet just a couple weeks later she does it-- and gets very upset when my friend civilly states why they unfollowed. So you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t I guess.

There was a very very long response written to my friend which is not in my right to share, but I can at least comment on the public posts that had been made. Foolishly I did not screencap the actual things in the heat of my frustration, but I had copy and pasted them into a conversation with a friend.

Let me tell you one thing: I never told anyone to unfollow you, nor tell them what to say to you. My friend showed me the message they sent to you and they themselves made it clear they unfollowed of their own accord. But keep going on thinking I’m telling people to unfollow you.

Also funny how you say the door’s open and to get out, but when we did that you got severely upset.

We did unfollow you. You went into rants.

You’ve been reasonable? Really? As soon as either of us said something not sugarcoated you blocked us.

I would go through your blog, but you deleted everything. I mean, I had copy and pasted pretty much everything, but if I hadn’t then your claim of evidence would have been meaningless.

No you didn’t send us harmful message directly, but you went on public rants and even offered to tell people our names if they just asked you.

I won’t go on about this for much longer. You said you wanted people to see both sides of the story and here they are: my message vs. your reactions. A quote I’ve always stood by is, “You’re not responsible for people’s reaction to you, just the words you say.” This is why I still feel no guilt for the message I sent you. I know what I said was reasonable and civil. I am not responsible or at fault for the way you decided to react to it. 

And now we’re here.

As I said before, I haven’t blocked you and I won’t. Despite everything, I still don’t hate you as a person. I am just very frustrated and disappointed at the reaction over the past two weeks, and now I’m a little bit worried as well because I don’t know who you spread your lies to or when. I did not want things to come to this because callout posts are generally looked down upon, but this is the best way for me to lay everything clear. All the screencaps and what both sides have done. I never conspired against you-- in fact I was still kind to you on my Whitebeard blog until I unfollowed you there as well after yesterday’s shitstorm.

In the end I really don’t think you’re a bad person. I don’t think you’re evil or a villain, but I do think how you have been behaving has been hurtful and irresponsible. I’m sorry to be posting this publicly, but I need to make sure that if you said anything about me in private, the truth is clear. ]

[typing-shit-helps]

I blame a lot of my internal issues with relationships on the fact that I didn’t date until sophomore year of college.

Before college, I was super into sports and my grades. I had a social life but never had any confidence to go after anyone to date. I liked the same boy from 6th-9th grade then moved and had the same crush on another boy from 10th-12th grade. I’m a loyal bitch, that’s for sure.

Freshman year of college I was just pumped at the whole new pool of people I could meet. I used a fake northern accent because I thought it was hilarious and thought it’d make me memorable... it didn’t. I was fucking annoying. I had my first encounter with a boy who’d slid into my DMs on twitter and asked me to his fraternity’s camp out event. I’d never had any boy show any interest in me so of course I went but had my guard up. He tried to get me drunk (little did he know I can hold my liquor) when I was tired, I got into our tent and he started touching me and attempted to take my pants off. When I asked him what he was doing he responded with “this is what you came here for” I said “no it’s not” and I punched him in the dick. I didn’t want to be a statistic. A lot of freshmen girls lose their virginity at these camp outs and no thanks.

Had a huge wall up until I met my first “real” boyfriend. I still think about him sometimes. It wasn’t a very long relationship. We were better as friends but if I could redo that relationship now, I think it’d be a pretty great thing. I had no confidence in myself with him. None whatsoever. I didn’t know what to do in a relationship and I was 20 years old. I felt so bad that I couldn’t give him what I thought he wanted because of my low self esteem I distanced myself and told him we are better as friends. We tried again about a year later and i still had no confidence in myself. He now lives in Texas and is living his dream with a girl who seems to make him happy. Truly happy for him. He did nothing wrong. That was all me.

I had “talked” to a few guys between that relationship. Everyone of them ended in me being ghosted. Which is a great feeling.

I met my first “love” at 23. We were like the same person. We got each other and it was great. About 5 months in, he took a job in Minnesota. Which was great at first. We did long distance, I visited when I could and I even made plans to move up there to finish my masters degree. He became super distant at around our 1 year mark. I had found out that no one knew that we had been dating for a year. He hadn’t told his family or friends so I was a huge secret. Which made me think that I’m not worthy of being someone’s anything. I had given this man everything of me. I rearranged my life for someone that didn’t make me a priority enough to share my existence with people he was closest to. He had struggled with depression and alcoholism before he met me but once he was “alone” in the cold he fell back into that and pushed me away. Lied to me for over a year about our future plans, he made me believe that we had something but it was all a lie.

We stopped all communication until about a year to the day we had broken things off. He texted me and apologized because truly I was the best friend he could ever ask for. And you’re damn right I was. I’m a great ass person who gives their all to everyone they hold close to them. He wasn’t getting off that easy though. I knew we weren’t going to date again but it was nice to have him as a friend since we are so alike. We talk every now and then just to check in. He has a live in girlfriend of 8 months and they even got a cat together. Which like good for them but I want that. Not with him, just in general.

Between first “love” and today I’ve “talked” to a few guys. Kind of became a hoe hoe because I realized how much I liked sex after we had broken up. They all ended in “we are just better as friends” which is so fucking frustrating.

I was with this one guy for 3 months. He asked me to be his girlfriend like 3 weeks in which I thought was weird but whatever we were hanging out every other day, screwing like rabbits, why not put a label on it? I took his virginity, he was very nice, wanted to spend time with me and wanted to know about my life. I noticed that he was feeling down and distant in November of 2019 so I asked him about it. He then goes on to day he’s been lying for the last month about what he’s been doing. He hasn’t been going to work when he says he is, which like whatever, just tell me. He also has been lying about where he is when we are supposed to hang out. Being lied to is my biggest pet peeve. It doesn’t take a lot to be fucking honest. But he then goes on to basically say “it’s not you it’s me” I say okay But I was worried because he was feeling depressed and it’s the same shit I went through with first love so I wanted to be a friend. The entire time I’m checking in weekly making sure he’s okay, once again, doing more for someone who is giving me nothing. He asks me in January about possibly becoming FWB. Which at this point I don’t think is a good idea because you’re still getting through something and idk what it is and I don’t want to damage your growth. I look on Facebook and 2 days after he had asked me that, he is in a relationship with someone I thought was my friend. I messaged her something along the lines of “congrats but I just want to let you know he wasn’t ready for a relationship in November and asked me to be FWB with him like 2 days ago, just be careful. You deserve more” or whatever. She then goes and blocks me! I haven’t heard shit from her since. I then went slap tf off on this boy for 1 lying to me about him talking to someone and 2 telling me it wasn’t my fault when it clearly was. They both blocked me and apparently they’re still dating according to my fake Facebook. Which like good for you, glad you could find someone that can handle your fuck shit.

Now this brings me to today. I had a life changing surgery in May. I was talking to a guy that had the same in December since a little before my surgery and things were decent. We have the same interests for the most part and he’s pretty nice. It being Covid season and my healing process we weren’t able to really hangout. A few weeks ago I was finally feeling up to a first date thing aaaand he canceled. He was exposed to covid and had to quarantine. I have those receipts, all facts. He met me and bought me shrimp but we stayed in our cars. Super sweet. Then his quarantine goes by, we plan another “date”. He cancels. This time he gives me this whole story about how he has to pick up his cousins kids from a situation, blah blah, pulling at my heart strings because he knows good and damn well I have a soft spot for kids. Totally understandable, just let me know when you get home. Texts me when he gets home, great. The next day he’s like “just got done dropping the kids off, be home in about 45 minutes “ which was weird because I had just looked at snap maps (not to stalk him but to look in general) and he was at home 7 minutes before he sent that text. I screenshot it so I could have proof. So I asked him why his snap location showed him at home and he gave me some shut about him being 45 minutes away and I was like huh, snap maps are pretty accurate and constantly update so you’re being sketchy my dude. Then he turns it on me to make me feel crazy for even thinking he would lie about that and for checking in on him through his location. And he’s like I’m going to need a bit to think it over. Think what over bitch? The fact that you were caught in a lie!? Like he made me feel so crazy and insane for even thinking he would lie but then I realized, that’s gaslighting and I do not have the time for a human that does that shit. He still hasn’t texted me back but even if he does.... I deserve better and sorry dude, I know my worth and you’re not it chief.

So now I will continue to type here as I think through my personal feelings and hopefully one day I will find someone who gives the same as I put in and we can be happy. Until then, we just on here because typing shit helps.

[do1care]

9:37 pm thoughts, ending friendships.

Va escrito en ingles porque iba primero para reddit, ojala y alguien me lea aca algun dia:(

FYI, this is a long post about my struggles and thoughts on my problems, if you don't want to deal with them feel free to move to the next post:), it's ok.

I know that everything has to end, that's the most natural part of life, as far as I can see it, everything has to come to an end. Doesn't matter if it's your favorite coffee cup, or your longest relationship ever, that's just how life is, and there's nothing wrong with it, but the fact of accepting it can cause some real shitty problems. Or at least to me.

I lost my best friend on January, and no, by lost I don't mean he died, thankfully, 'cause he's and extraordinary human, he is such a grateful and open minded young man willing to help you no matter what; that being said, the reason why you can say we "broke up" (we weren't dating, just that i didn't find any other word that could sume up that were not bffs anymore, haha), it's pretty fucking stupid, haha.

I'll give you a few seconds so that you try to guess, haha.....1.....2......3....OK, times up. Don't know if you saw this coming, but it was because of a girl (told you, pretty fucking stupid reason).

Let me set the scenario up for you.

He and I have been friends since we were 10 and 11 (I'm younger), we are now 16 and 17. We had been together in a lot of struggles each; helping the other in whatever it was possible to, he changed school when he was 13 because his mother had a problem with our principal, anyway. It may appear that since then we started talking less with each other, but no, its the total opossite (crazy, right?). Since he got out of my school we started talking more and more, and I remember on the 2015 new years eve, I was all alone in my room hearing all the fireworks welcoming the new year 2016, and at 2:30 am or so i called him and we started talking till 6:00 am or so, we never ran out of talk, it was always so funny, haha.

Ok, now to how we stop talking.

On January 2017, he had been dating a few girls on and off. But nothing too serious, but like on the 25th he started telling me about this girl that a friend introduce to him, and that she was sooo hot, but all she wanted from her was to hook up (nothing weird about that, he always wanted that, and i think thats ok, if the girl wants that too). And he sent me this girl facebook profile, so i started checking her out, and she was a girl from another school, which, another girl friend of mine was in like 2 years ago.

(ok, now this is getting confusing, from now on we are gonna call them like this: my ex best boy friend: ed. My girl friend: luna, the girl that caused the problem: pico)

And luna had told me that the girl that pico was a kinddd of a slut (i know that that can be offensive, but bare with me here, those were her words, not mine). And I was like, oh, cool, either way ed just wants to hook up with her, so they can both be happy. But one day ed told me that he was trying to get into a serious relationship with pico, at this point I had told ed everyting that luna had told me about pico, but he didn't seem to care at all. By this point, as any teenager-best-male-friend would do, i was very concerned, cause he had gotten broken up a lot in the past, by girls that didn't deserve him. By shitty girls. And i didn't want him to get his heart broken again, and at least this time I had something in my power to stop that. Or at least that's what I thought.

Remember that Luna and Pico were very good friends in the past, at this point they talk to each other, but not as much. And also, at this point Luna and I are veeeery good friends, in fact, she is one of my 2 best girl friends (thankfully, she still is, she's awesome, haha)

So I send Luna the screenshot of the time when Ed was telling me that all he wanted Pico for was to get laid, and Luna ask me if I was sure I wanted this to get to Pico, I said yes. But told her that she said to Pico not to show them to Ed. (I think you can guess where this is heading).

Long story short, Ed realized what I did, and basically sent me to eat shit, I couldn't understand how he rather lose his best friend and having a girl to fuck and not viceversa (and oh, btw, i now it was a total dick move from me to send the screenshots of our chat to Luna. But I dind't want this girl to hurt him). By this point, it was maybe like februart 4th or something like that. We stoped talking, but I remember that this was killing me, cause I was ised to tell him everything that happened in my mind, every single deep or stupid thought I had, no matter how vain or important it was, and he knew that i'll always be there for him, so I tried to apologize, and I freacking got fully emotional with him, i remember being at bed like at 1 am texting him whyle crying, he was so fucking important to me, little did I know i meant so little to him by this point.

The important part of this is that I wrote him that i loved him. Of course i loved him, he was my fucking best friend, how am I not supposed to love him? (Again, little did I know this was gonna fuck my life in a while)

Amyway, he basically told me that he had forgiven me, just that I wasn't his best friend anymore, that, that fucking killed me, it was like a stab in the chest, I felt it deep into myself, losing a friendship with someone you value so much, that you had plans for the future with, so many memories together. Just gone. Fucking went off. It was my fault. I destroyed, it was me the one who blame. Fast forward two monts of feeling depressed and shitty af, my sister went to the beach with a friend, a girl friend, but my dad is a freacking maniac so he decided to go to their beach house without tellimg anyone just to check if she wasn't lying (spoiler. Of course she wasnt, my sister is the best). Anyway, so he told me to write to her friend cause I also get along with her (or at leaste i used to, another friendahip gone, yey) to send me their location, so my dad took my phone and started texting her like if it was me, cause of course, it was from my number, why would she think it wasnt me?

(And by this point i think i should tell you two important things:

1. My father is an asshole and a real noisy bitch.

2. He is super homophobyc, this is kinda caused because his brother is gay, and they were born in a very mysoginistic environment.)

Anyway, so my dad started scrolling around my chats, and I at this point I didn't remember my chat with Ed, until I saw it on my phone screen, when I saw it, my heart went from being calm to almost getting a heart attack. I was fucking nervous, cause I knew how his reaction was going to be, and i didnt want him to see what I wrote with him, cause it was personal shit, things that no one but you and the other person are supposed to see (now that I analyze this, I think it is kind of karma because i did the same to Ed), I was terryfied, sweating. Almost crying, and when he was about to enter my chat with Ed, i tried to take my phone away from his hand, by this point he knew i was hiding something. I fucked it up, there was nothing else that I could do, but to be waiting for him to react. There were 5 minutes of pure silence in the car, i tried as hard as I could not to cry (my very first reaction in strong emotional moments, is crying, no matter if it's a super sad moment or in the middle of the biggest argument of my life, i just can't control it).

Then he says -So you love him?

I got freezed, i really don't remember any much of it cause I was so afraid of it, I just remember telling him that yeah, i loved him cause he was my best friend. Anyway, he took my phone away from me and talked with my mom about it. My mom is genuinely the best, she's very supportive and lovely. She just tells me that no matter what I feel I can always tell her and that she'll love me no matter what, but to stop saying to some random dude that he was everything to me and that i felt fucking misserablr without him (i kinda told that to Ed when I tried to apologize). Since than, my dad has been a little lore of a douche bag with me, and he doesn't know I have my phone, cause he gave it to my mom, but she gave it to me, haha, she's the best (forgot to mention, i only live with my mom, but they get along pretty well).

Now Ed and I talk maybe once in a while, and I have accepted the fact that he's not my bf and i'm not his, and that's ok. Cause everything has to end, nothing last forever.

------

I tottaly forgot what the purpose of writing this story was, I just hope that maybe someone might read it and I don't know, tell me anything, i literally just was fucking sad and upset with lifeand general and decided to start writing this. But ended up spending an hour and a little bit more writing it, haha.

Remember that this is my first post to reddit. So feel free to comment or idk what the interactions in here are called, but yeah, i think i might post this to my tumblr later, haven't ever post there either, haha.

[survivorpanem]

EPISODE TEN - “I’M THE JAIDEN WHISPERER “ - JC

Tribal council certainly was interesting tonight. I wonder what caused Samantha to use her onion necklace on me... I'm actually kind of pissed off that she did that, even though I had voted for her in the first place. It makes me think that that knew I had voted for her or something, which is what caused the vote to flip around. Isaac and Jordan and Andrew all really fucked up and Jordan paid the price for it. I kind of wish that someone had played their idol for Jordan just to see their reaction when Andrew ends up getting the boot, so now I'm pretty sure one of them have it. Jake missed out on a ton of stuff which wouldn't have been vastly different if he had stuck around instead of going off to exile. From now on, I won't stray from the alliance. It's pretty obvious that they all were going to wake-up and start playing only when it became convenient to them all, and that's why Jordan got voted off. They were going to use my vote for Zack against me in the future to help Zack flip against me or something? Power move, good job losers. I'm going to completely own up to voting for Sam B as soon as possible. I have no doubt that she got the same advantage that I had and checked to see if I was intending on flipping on the alliance. But wouldn't that have sent me out instead of Jordan??? Who honestly knows. It changes a lot in the game now and I'm pretty pissed off that this all went downhill as quickly as it did, because now I need to make a massive apology to Samantha for voting for her. I don't know what I'll say, but I'll need to think of something. And quick.

OK SO BITCH SO!! That tribal was i n s a n e! Zack approached me at like 9:40 telling me that my weird suspicions were right and that people were trying to make a move to take me out. Apparently Isucc/Boredan/AndrEW approached Sam Bussy asking her to vote me out. Now what worries me is that she did not tell me about them approaching her, Zack did. So she must have been at least considering it? Idk her and Isaac are relatively close and ik she was worried about whether or not Isaac would be mad at her if she voted Jordan instead of me. But anyways I'm like oh boo not today, not today! Like I was really unworried by their bumasses because I'm like girls, I have an idol, a vote negator, AND Sam told me about her blood bracelet that had to be played at that tribal, so I was just like might as well just get her to play that on me so I don't need to use anything. So like I got Sam to switch her blood thing from Jaiden to me after she used a vote sneak in order to see who Isaac really voted for and turned out he truly did vote for me! How cute. Like I don't know why these little boys came for me but they did, like I was not a threat I feel like my game has been shit but ok I guess just keep pushing me to be better huh?! Oh, and apparently Jaiden voted for Samantha to try to stir up distrust between Zack and I and cause rifts in the alliance. But then later he switched it to Andrew because he was getting nervous I guess? Idk I don't buy it but knowing Jaiden it's highly possible. But I'm like atm I want to take out Isaac/Andrew before taking out Jaiden because they both actually voted me with intents of getting me out and for that they need to go, especially as Isaac probably has an idol. Like I feel like he was gonna play it on Jordan but changed his mind last minute after Sam played her bracelet on me. and like now I'm worried because it's only f8 and I have a target on my back. Totally not what I wanted at this stage in the game! I have to really work hard to keep myself safe because my advantages don't make me invincible. I need to make FTC in this game and it's most likely going to be a f2 since jury started at f11 rifpp. I hate f2's! But yeah I just have to keep fighting and look at the bright sides, like I solidified loyalty and cleansed paranoia between my relationships with Sam and Zack, I still have an idol and I'm still fighting. My game plan honestly is to go to my sponsors and get them to buy vote sneaks for me because that would be heavily beneficial to see who's voting who.

Samantha is on my birthday shitlist, basically. I still don't trust her so I spilled the beans to JC about her maybe sorta considering voting for Zack. Also that she played the onion necklace on me. Regardless, someone knows that I voted for her. And now I'm out for blood! I will absolutely expose her vote at the next tribal council, AND I'll make I think my priority to send her right to the bottom of the alliance like she deserves at this point. Samantha if you're reading this and you're like, you're completely wrong Jaiden, then that's your fault for playing the onion necklace on me (envy) But I still love you outside of this whole game...but I still hope you get seventh place. Sorry not sorry. I'm going to CONTINUE to hammer in the idea that FLIPPERS NEVER WIN. If you flip on the alliance, enjoy losing solely because of a bitter jury :)

Me trying to escape the SNAKES who voted me last week and may try to again http://suprchnk.tumblr.com/post/152885516750

Later...

Omg poor Sam she's coming up with all these cracked out theories of where the idol could be that are actually kind of wildly accurate (she thought the idol may be hidden in the beach bc of the moodboard Amir made her having many sea themes, and it was in the beach), but the idol is in my pocket akxhxbabz. Maybe I should tell her...idk aaaa!!!

so to #catch up on my messy ass game, i was exiled for a round and apparently things got even more messy. i honestly barely understand what happened bc no one wants to give me a full story but yeah jordan lelft which was my contract thing?? no idol clue for me rip. but now i guess a lot of people want my vote which is nice. zack told me that jaiden was telling people that i was threatening bc of my comp wins in generations, neverland, and sarawak and its so annoying!! like bitch u think i have time in my life to dedicate to these immunity challenges like i could in gens when i had 24/7 of my summer dedicated to it?? bitch?? and u went against me ONCE in sarawak and look how that turned out. haha they never learn, do they? there's already talk about getting jaiden out and i'd be MORE than delighted to send his ass packing bc i literally cannot DEAL with him targeting me for no reason A G A I N!!!!! jaiden: jake won immunities in gens everyone: omg :O hes laying low… me: i literally just have no time to dedicate to this game god these fucking freaks. anyway i cant stand most of these ppl.. andrew is honestly my son and i love him so i dont want him to go. and it was nice to hear zack wants isaac and jaiden out back to back bc that protects lil andrew. i dont even talk to andrew like ever but for some reason hes the only one i trust bc ik he only has like isaac in the game. i dont trust either of the sams. especially sam g?? that girl is like killin it i feel like everyone is just following her around. have barely spoken to her but shes doing her thing. i hope i can get her out soon but literally no one wants to make a move against her. props to her i guess. i want JC gone soon, he's so transparent and fake and ldskjfghkj yeah i don't like dealing with it. i mean i'm fake right back so i mean dflksgjhdklfjgh me. unless i get lucky with immunities im gonna have to rely on keeping a low profile and telling people im doing nothing (which is partly true, i did do THAT at the allison vote). a lot of people are telling me they like me so... that's good! the more ppl who like me the better!!! i like zack a lot i hope the f3 is me zack and andrew but one can dream huh!

Soo last tribal was WILD! I was gunna just play my bracelet on Jaiden and say it was because he's always a target so to put his mind at ease for once blah blah blah but then like 15 minutes before tribal JC comes to me freaking out about people voting for him and he needs the bracelet blah blah blah, so I asked Isaac who he voted for and he told me Jordan. Then just to make sure I played my map of the arena and checked out Isaacs vote and found out THAT LYING SNAKE VOTED FOR JC!! So I played my bracelet on JC even though they only got 3 votes, Jordan got 4, and Andrew got 1. Also apparently that 1 for Andrew WAS for Sam B but then Sam looked at Jaidens vote and played her onion necklace on him meaning he can't vote for her until the final 6? Or after the final 6? Either way I was really expecting this to cause distrust in our 5 but apparently it still hasn't? I'm so shook that we're all still voting together but like maybe I'll be proven wrong tonight? We'll see. Either way we're al so dysfunctional and terrible at communication so I mean how are we doing this?? I was hoping to save Andrew and Isaac but apparently people want Andrew out. Hopefully he has an idol but he'd idol out Jaiden and not Sam B which kind of stinks. But anyways I'm waiting for more exciting stuff to happen this tribal because last time was the first exciting tribal in a while. This merge has been pretty yawn and frankly I'm part of the problem.

I wasn't going to talk about it but I need to post a confessional and the reason I'm feeling the way I am is tied into personal stuff and it won't make sense unless I explain it to you so here it goes. I've just been feeling extremely shitty about myself recently and just overall really lonely. Like in the past two weeks I've felt like my friends have been doing whatever they can not to talk to me. It's irrational but it's how I've felt. But Jordan and Samantha B were mostly there and they helped everything by just being there and talking to me. So yeah I've taken his elimination pretty hard. According to many sources Samantha B was the one who told Jc that it was them who was getting votes and caused Jordan's elimination and the idol play. I was really apprehensive about believing anyone because I thought there was no way she'd do that to me like we've became closer friends since this game started, but then she admitted to it. I'm not going to lie I'm hurt But this is a game and we're supposed to play to win so thank you Sam B for waking me up. I'm NOT going to lay down and die if I go out tonight I'll go out trying to get as far as I can. Is this the second coming of Despairsaac? Maybe. But Jesus Christ I'm tired of these people telling me what I will and will not do. Fuck them. 

I've made it so far in the game without wanting to make any big moves, so tonight I'll make one. If I get rocked out, then #legend. If I get blindsided by the entire tribe, then so be it. But I had to stand up and do something, because fifth place just wasn't going to cut it. I wanna win, damnit. People can respect someone who went against the grain and made a move, right? I surely will receive Andrew and Isaac's respect if this doesn't work out. The plan is to vote for Sam G. If she plays an idol, Andrew goes home and I look like a chump. If anyone gets pissed, they will either flip their vote to her, or they will draw rocks and leave it up to chance. Either way, I get what I want. I'll be okay with leaving tonight if that's what happens, because at least I did something... I just dont want to go 7-1 because everyone was pissed off.

Okay so truthfully this game I've felt like I'm the Jaiden Whisperer. He's like completely wild and messy in this game but I feel like I've been able to direct it to things I want, or at least work with the insanity. But it's coming to the point where he's really rubbing people the wrong way, Zack and Jakey both want to vote him and Sam Bussy probably would too if she hadn't played the onion on him. Not only that but Isaac and Andrew both wanna vote him too!! That's 4 which is enough to tie, and jaidens dumb ass might vote for Jakey instead of Isaac!! Mess omg. I totally feel bad to be campaigning for Isaac/Andrew to go, but like what choice do I have after they came for me first? I feel like it'd be dumb to vote out either jakey or Jaiden because they're both good for my game and the others are most probably not! OMFG NOW JAIDENS TALKING TO JAKE ABOUT GOING TO ROCKS WHAT IN THE FUCK OMFGGGGG KILL ME. He needs to freaking rest before his ass gets sent home!! This vote is honestly the largest fucking mess, we have Jaiden who wants to vote out Jakey, Jakey who wants to vote out Jaiden, Zack who wants to vote out Isaac only if not Jaiden, Samantha who I think wants to vote out Isaac or Andrew and Sam G who wants to vote out Samantha later but Jakey now. KILL ME WHY CANT WE JUST VOTE ONE OF ISAAC/ANDREW OUT HNNNNG I TOLD JAIDEN TO JUST STAY SEATED AND TO NOT CAUSE DRAMA WHEN HE ASKED ME IF HE SHOULD MESSAGE PEOPLE BECAUSE I KNEW EVERYONE WAS ON THEIR LAST STRAWS WITH HIM AND WHAT DOES HE DO??? DOESNT LISTEN AT ALL!! OMG I CANT HONESLEE Like bitCH WHY DID JAKEY SEND ME THIS: [12/7/16, 7:32:21 PM] j a i d e n: but I don't think I can win against my alliance and I know they're coming for you once it gets down to it [12/7/16, 7:32:40 PM] j a i d e n: you, me, Isaac, Andrew vote for one of them, and they vote for one of Andrew/Isaac FUCK IT HES LEAVING TONIGHT EVERYONE WANTS HIS HEAD ON A STICK EXCEPT PROBABLY SAM B AND FHATS JUST BECAUSE SHE PLAYED HER ONION ON HIM UGHHH I LOVE YOU JAIDEN BUT WHAT CAN I DO YOU PUSHED IT

I feel soooo bad about lying to Isaac. I really want to work with him and get Jaiden out but there just aren't numbers for that. Me, Isaac, Andrew, and Jakey is only 4. All that would do is tie it. But Jaiden has been super messy lately, especially with jakey, so hopefully Jc will read the message jakey sends him from jaiden and will realize that jaiden is a horrible player. Like honestly I love jaiden as a person but he is messy af when it comes to spilling information. And not even information, its anything. Jaiden tells so many lies, for no reason it seems like. This is just super messy. As much as I love jc and zack, I think I want to work with Isaac and Andrew from now on. But I just hope they trust me enough to let me do that.

So way too much has happened/is happening for like a paragraph based confessional, so here's a lot of bullets of whats happened bc I'm an organized hoe. -Zack wins immunity and Isaac and I are like fuck what do we do -It seemingly looks like Isaac, Sam B, and I are on the outs -We find out that it's between Isaac and I -Sam G tells me that Sam B is the one who leaked to JC that they were going so that Sam G could play her idol on them and get out Jordan -Isaac doesn't wanna believe it but Sam B sketches me out -The 3 of us still decide anyway that we need 5 votes to take out Jaiden bc that's the easiest target -Zack and I have gotten surprisingly close and he doesn't want me going -Zack wants Jaiden out -I go to Jakey and ask about getting out Jaiden and he's down -I go to bed and we seemingly have 5 votes to eliminate Jaiden -I come home today to find I'm the name being thrown around and Jaiden is the one to tell me -Sam B is being very sketchy in the alliance chat -She then admits to Isaac that she told JC they were getting votes and apologized but has ultimately lost our trust -We now don't know what the vote is going to be and scramble -Jaiden comes to Isaac and I saying he will go to rocks for me if we can get Jakey on our side -He makes a chat and the 4 of us agree to vote either Sam G or JC bc Jaiden cannot vote Sam B -We decide on Sam G so that someone may be more willing to flip on her rather than JC in a tie vote -Sam G and JC suddenly wanna work with Isaac and I again and want to vote out Jaiden who wants to help Isaac and I also -Jaiden might be doing the rocks plan more for himself/to make chaos -Jakey also makes the point that Isaac, himself, and I will be in minority next week if we vote out Jaiden -I ask him if he thinks Zack would flip to us and he doesn't think so and asks if I would sacrifice Isaac next round -I don't wanna do that and ask if Zack might flip on Sam G and JC to break up the duo at final 7 So now I'm at a conflict. Jaiden wants to go to rocks for us. But that might be to create chaos. Idk where Sam B is voting but she might be voting me but now people wanna vote Jaiden. So if it does tie and we vote with Jaiden, then it could tie between Jaiden and Sam G and then they're safe from rocks of I flip on Jaiden. So Jaiden might be doing this to save his own ass because according to Sam G, Jaiden thinks I'm voting him anyway. So I have no fucking clue what to do. We all helped build a web of lies and now everyone is running up a different thread. And it's utter chaos. And I need to make the move that I think will help me advance to the end after this if I stay tonight.

Later...

Okay I also left out that Jake revealed the rock plan to Sam G and JC, so now Sam G knows she might be getting votes and Jaiden might play his thing on me to reveal my vote before he votes and if he sees I didn't vote Sam G, then he'll be suspicious. And he might have an idol so idk. I think I'll vote Sam G anyway in the case that either Jaiden sees how I votes and pulls some sketchy shit, or the rock plan actually goes down. I asked Sam G if she cares if I vote her so Jaiden isn't sus but she doesn't wanna be potentially idoled out. I'm gonna tell her I'm throwing to Sam B, but I'll vote her anyway. I just have to to be safe. Wish me luck™.

im voting for jaiden since hes a mess and my alliance wants him gone. I'll explain more in my next confessional. im gonna take a nap