#idk it started as a vent but then I had fun in the long run so

[chocolaminity]

grrr bark woof woof

[suengmi]

haii, i saw that you wanted some ot8 prompts?

maybe skz’s different ways of showing affection? maybe comforting you after a long day? idk if you’ve done any of these yet but im in a soft mood today, had a bit of a shitty day myself and nearly got fired because I overslept so that was fun 🤧

get round to this if you feel like it, if not i totally understand!! keep yourself safe bby <33 -🐶x

I'm so sorry you had a shitty day :( jeez were all human. when one of my employees slept in the other day I was like "get ya hole here where you at" and they're like "IM COMIN MY BIG OLE OVER SLEPT" like damn not the end of the world yeesh ANYWAYS hope this makes u feel better pup ❤️

no warnings (mentions of non sexual nudity???) just FLUFF ACK

○ BANGCHAN

chan always knows you're upset, he senses it almost immediately. whenever you're upset, you need space but need his comfort just as much. kind of mixed messages. you feel guilty sometimes not knowing what you want. but chan is always there, asking you what you need in the end. sometimes you don't know, so it takes it into his own hands, cooking for you, washing your hair when you shower together, giving neck kisses while he does so. "more kisses? i have unlimited for you"

○ CHANGBIN

changbin, ever the fusser. he would try to make jokes after he noticed and tease you a little bit. he'll do anything to make you laugh or smile, but you weren't always in the mood. sometimes, he got a bit confused, trying to read your face. "baby, I'm sorry. what do you need?" with that, you'd melt into his touch, crying into his neck. he'd pick you up, pulling your legs around his waist. "my lil koala" he'd say, pulling his head back to give you a kiss. his kisses would get a bit aggressive in the end, telling you how much he loves you. in the end, you'd be laughing "bin stop!!"

○ FELIX

felix would instantly come to you, hands cradling your face, probably dropping whatever he was holding not caring. "oh don't cry! why are you crying? baby what's wrong?" big cuddles, pushing your face into his chest. "felix i can't breathe." he keeps holding you for a second before he realises "oh sorry" you'd laugh a little bit, him just laughing with you about his overly affectionate way of comforting you. "i sometimes have to breathe you know" kisses all over your face and fingers sitting under your shirt, telling you how proud he is of you. MORE KISSES.

○ JEONGIN

"oh shit" he'd say, seeing you crying on the couch. his bags thudding on the ground as he walked in the door. "baby no," he'd panic a bit, walking to your side to sit next to you. "what's wrong?" you'd just start crying more. "tell me baby please. what do you need?" you'd throw yourself into his arms, mumbling how you just wanted cuddles. he wasn't the quickest to pick these things up, but he knew if you'd just want to cry, letting you do what you needed. his hands soothing along your back as he rested his cheek on your head. "are you hangry? I'll get in the car right now you wanna maccas? chocolate? is it me?? do i stink??" you'd just laugh, knowing he's doing his best.

○ JISUNG

eyes wide and searching your own. you're in the sheets. nothing is said when he slips in behind you, running his hand around your waist to hold you. "you don't have to talk" he'd say, kissing your cheeks and shoulders. reassuring you that he gets overwhelmed sometimes, too, so he understands. you'd turn into his chest, enjoying his smell. it's comforting. in the end, you'd just exist in his arms, not talking about anything. he'd just kiss your head, waiting for you to feel comfortable enough to talk. patient as always

○ HYUNJIN

drops everything that he's doing when he hears you sniffle a little bit. "baby what is it? tell me" you'd just shake your head not wanting to talk. "bad day huh? tell me, please, i wanna know" you'd end up talking about your day, how shitty your work was, he knows you'll feel better after venting just getting it all off your chest. he knows you too well. his hands would be running through your hair and fingers gently wiping away your tears. "I love you" he'd say, all gooby and warm. this would make you cry more mumbling into his chest that you love him too.

○ LEE KNOW

"what you whining about?" he'd laugh when he came home hearing you start spouting off about work and the shit that came with it. this would probably make it a bit worse, frustration of him not listening and turning it into a joke. "oh babe" he'd coo, coming to your side, grabbing your hands in his. he wouldn't realise how bad you feel until he actually sees you. "sorry is it really that bad? i didn't mean to make you cry more" he'd probably feel really bad, pressing little kisses on your puffy lips. "im a dick" he'd pout, kissing you more. you're a mess now, everything setting you off. "i'm here, what do you need? I'll do whatever I can."

○ SEUNGMIN

seungmin says nothing when he notices you crying. the kiss on your forehead would be gentle, saying it all. he'd leaves you for a moment running you a bath and lighting some candles in his bathroom. he'd bring you to the bathroom carefully moving you with his hand in yours, undressing you before him. he'd help you into the bath, sitting in behind you. just rubbing his hands up and down your arms and giving you cuddles whenever you'd cry harder, arms sitting across your chest and face nuzzling into your neck whispering how beautiful you were and how you could get through this.

[mmcgemino]

How I almost went on stage with Gene Simmons (and also a heavy vent)

Today was the first day of Summer Breeze here in Brasil and Gene’s on the headline. I traveled 8 hours just to see him and Sebastian Bach play. I was so excited to see them and my mind was set on giving Gene a poster and a letter. I really wanted to give him a piece of my work and say how much KISS changed my life.

There was going to be a signing session at 3pm and when arrived there at 11am there was already a line. No problem for me, honestly, I could wait. But then somebody from the staff told us that the time changed for 7pm. I didn’t want the whole day of festival + Sebastian’s show, so I gave up on that.

Sebastian Bach’s show was amazing (I even got an autograph!). It was kinda short but I still had a lot of fun. Next would be Mr. Big (that I didn’t bother to watch) and then, finally, Gene’s band.

God, I was right in front of him. LITERALLY. This was my view the whole show:

I was SO close from the stage, already at the barrier (is that the right name in english?) It was actually funny, because the first thing he did when he finished the first song was to point at me and say with eyes wide opened: sua bunda é linda! That’s a silly thing he says every time he’s in Brasil. (There’s a video of him saying it on a tv show just for reference). I also had some silly interactions with him, like me motion grabbing his tits and him looking shocked. Honestly, if the show ended like that it would be just fine. I’ve never been this close to someone who’s so important to me, much less recognizing my presence and being silly with me. Hell, I didn’t even care about my letter anymore. It was a kick ass show.

But in the last song (that was obviously Rock n Roll All Night), he started calling a lot of girls on stage. There were some in front of me, between the tiny gap separating the stage from the fans. I guess they were sponsors, photographers or idk, more than VIP. But then he pointed at me and called me!!! What ??!????? It sounds just like a fanfic, unbelievable. And I swear on all my family that I ain’t lying. I crossed that barrier with the help of other people and ran backstage.

To have Gene pointing at YOU and calling YOU to be on stage with him is once in a lifetime. To be ON STAGE, my literal dream and goal in life. What I’ve been working for the past couple of years. To have the chance to give my letter to him and even sing by his side. With Gene fucking Simmons from KISS, my favorite band.

But when I got backstage, they told me that I couldn’t go. “There’s too many girls there.” I was the last one he picked and the only one who didn’t make it. I begged that guy, not from Gene’s production but from the event. I even cried. The securities around me were sorry but if I didn’t leave, their jobs would be on the line. I couldn’t even see the man leave the stage. I couldn’t even see the show end.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do from now on. There’s nothing to say, no consolation prize, nothing. “But there will be other shows, other opportunities”, that’s the kind of bullshit that I had to hear. No, there won’t be another Gene Simmons in Brasil calling me to be on stage. My life could have been changed forever.

I was never lucky, never won any raffles or had accomplished great achievements in life. In my letter, the first thing I wrote (as cheesy as it is) “If you’re reading this, everything is possible”. I also wrote how KISS literally changed my life when I went on their last tour here in Brasil, how they took me out of a really bad place and made me run after my dreams. It seems silly, part of me feels like an idiot to be that sad. But I just can’t get over this, can’t have any consolation on that. To be always “almost there” but never actually “there”.

Also, this is the poster I wanted to give him:

The quality is crap and I definitely could do better if I had more time. But I gave my all making it.

Sorry for the long post and the crappy sob story. This just happened like 2 hours ago and everything is still fresh. I decided to write this post because I wanted to share my frustration with people who understand that it was a once in a lifetime opportunity.

(Fun fact his pants were tearing up but nobody told him)

[lizlives]

Something that's always kinda been a pet peeve to me is how people talk about Archie Sonic Preboot and Postboot. Often in conversations there's this idea that the old world is old hat, and anyone upset about the way it went out is just stuck in the past, with the implication that we really didn't lose much in the transition.

To me this reads as incredibly disingenuous and dismissive. Putting aside the obvious fallacy in claiming not much was lost (two decades worth of original lore, much of which was either good to begin with or seeing redemption in better writers), the transition was so obviously rough.

In the middle of one of the most emotionally harrowing sagas and well-written arcs in the entire series, the Mecha Sally Saga, readers who were keeping up with the behind the scenes drama basically had to watch every month as more cracks started to show. At the start of the Endangered Species mini arc, issue #243's text is obviously altered to remove any references to specific characters and events. Then next issue, in the most lowkey way possible, without so much as any real fanfare, the entire echidna society is erased basically for good. The rest of that saga is one long drawn out fight between Knuckles and Thrash, that they tease could end a number of ways, but again, anyone following the behind the scenes drama knows that the characters are never coming back. The sheer inevitability of the conclusion almost feels chilling reading it now, like a Greek tragedy. There are lines that almost feel like the writers venting their actual feelings, how they feel angry that all of this has to change.

The final shot of Knuckles in the entirety of preboot archie is him punching the floor in rage because his entire species and family, his mother, his baby brother, and the love of his life are all gone forever. A mini arc arc that was originally conceived as a way of bringing Knuckles out of his depression arc was transformed into one where all his worst feelings are completely justified. Jesus Christ.

Then one more issue, and just as Sally is rescued, the world is re-written by a Genesis Wave. What follows is a Megaman crossover arc that would be fun in any other circumstance but following everything else we've seen just feels bizarre. Then it ends with Sonic attempting to restore their reality but just... failing. Again, knowing this moment's repercussions now reads extremely bleak and tragic. If it weren't for the fact that it was all done because of external forces it would be artfully tragic, idk maybe it still is.

The reboot that follows immediately hits the ground running, and very slowly you realize what you should've realize all along. Two decades worth of lore was just wiped with simultaneously too little fanfare, but also in the most tragic and bleak way possible. The reveal is made that the entire multiverse is wiped out as well, great.

No attempt is made to explain the mechanics of the fate of people who didn't find their way into this new reality, because they literally can't legally. Did they become other people somewhere? Did they just die? We don't know, and to make it worse, they even acknowledge that the characters are just losing their memories of the previous reality? The sheer dissonance in how the characters are acting vs how they emotionally should be treating this is kinda insane.

But you know, after all this, the reboot is fine. It's really fun actually. Really, I don't hate it. Any and all of my issues stem not from it itself, but from the fact that it was necessarily marketed as a continuation of the old story, it just isn't. That's not an insult, it just isn't and can never be.

I'm not kidding when I say they should've just canceled the comic, said we're sorry that we couldn't finish it, and just started a brand new comic from issue 1. To me, these are two separate series, that's I think the best way of thinking of them, because trying to think about the reboot in terms of the fact that an entire multiverse was wiped out and we're never implied that some characters weren't just wiped out in every way permanently, is just so bleak. Like the old reality or not, it doesn't change the fact that trying to just move on from something like that with no catharsis or explanation is weird.

So yeah, I kinda got distracted remembering how conflicted the whole situation makes me lol, but to make a long story short, I think that people should stop treating the reboot like it was a natural continuation of the original story, and stop treating people who liked and/or still like the old reality as stupid. It was imperfect, even very imperfect, but it was a lived in world that was allowed to develop and was only going to improve more if it was allowed to.

With the reboot, we basically started from scratch and given Sega's restrictiveness, we probably weren't gonna see as many off the wall concepts like we did previously. Many people might have seen that as a boon, but to me it takes away from what I like the most about Sonic, that being that it's a franchise that isn't afraid to be weird, to be wacky. I think tbh that's what I miss the most about the preboot era.

[aropride]

speaking of psychosis- i wasn't speaking of it here but i was speaking of it- i've been trying to figure out what was up with the great psychotic episode of freshman year, because i had assumed it was a trauma-induced psychosis type of deal, but it occurred to me that i was definitely having sort of thought broadcasting types of beliefs, probably some other stuff but i can't remember atm and don't feel like digging thru my old vent account lol. (ramble continues under the cut this got VERY long)

(line with text so tumblr doesn't eat the image. idk if it still does that but better safe than sorry)

(the months with "2" are split into first and second half of the month bc it was relevant, couldnt figure out how else to signify that succinctly)

i cut out the labels of each belief for safety + in case that's triggering to ppl but each row is a different belief i had that in retrospect was probably some sort of delusion? top two are very similar but different enough i tracked them differently. bottom two might have just been anxiety+ptsd but i do really think they're connected to this

it was definitely at its worst mid nov-end of jan, but started in september and didn't really let up til like june

anyway like i said i had assumed it was a combination of trauma and being off my meds and isolation that made the perfect situation for me to go fucking crazy, but i hadn't really thought about it that hard . but now that i Am thinking about it, again, i was definitely having these kinds of beliefs before The Trauma

and in my past self's defense. one thing about my thought broadcasting beliefs specifically was that i was straight up being essentially cyberstalked at the time and didn't know, so i was completely right that certain people knew more about me than i had told them, but i was wrong about the reason why

anyway i was reading up on schizospec disorders for class (kind of. also just for fun) -- also important context schizophrenia does run in my family i think on both sides? but my parents are weird about talking about it. so that's part of this also.

but i noticed that of the three labels i was looking at- brief psychotic disorder, schizophreniform, and schizophrenia- (i didn't look into schizoaffective bc i dont think i have many bipolar symptoms, and didn't look into stpd bc i don't think it counts as a personality disorder if it lasts like 10 months lol, and delusional disorder because i do think i had some negative*&cognitive symptoms (*psych term meaning absence of things present in nonschizospec people, not literally just bad symptoms lol)-- though to be fair, that may have just been a combination of situational aspects & autism?)-- either way, it's not on this beautiful and awesome diagram in mspaint i made so i could illustrate the timeline aspect of the diagnostic criteria:

bc a diagnosis of brief psychotic disorder requires symptoms to only last a month, and schizophreniform for 1-6 months, whereas schizophrenia is lifelong .

basically the problem is- while the worst part of my psychotic(?) symptoms lasted ~4months, they were definitely there in some form for around 10 months, which is too long for a diagnosis of schizophreniform, but i don't feel comfortable just, assuming it's schizophrenia lol, especially when most of the symptoms i experienced dont affect my life anymore? it does make me nervous though that this happened right around the typical age of onset.

this might just be a problem with diagnoses being too specific to cover the entire spectrum of human experience, and i might just be outside of any area where a specific label could be applied . also, i know it's been written about but not become an actual diagnostic label- but there are places where ocd and psychosis can over lap, and schizo-obsessive disorder has been suggested as a diagnostic label, but not officially used anywhere afaik..

i think my main concern at this point is just, whether or not i should be concerned about it coming back. like, is it possible to be in various stages of active psychosis(?? it still feels very strange to refer to it that way but i guess that's what it was, so) for ~4-10 months, and then just be chilling after. or should i be worried. was this a one-time thing starting because i was off my meds and being worsened by isolation and trauma or is there a possibility of this happening again. and i think that's a question that can't be answered with any certainty, probably

[axgmented]

a little bit of an explanation as to whats happened in my life, to keep yall up to date if you wish.

idk really how to start this off, so if it seems a little jumbled & out there I'm sorry!

it's been three years since i left my ex "husband". So by legal standards, no we weren't married. I had a place holder ring. Stayed with him for 9 years. He was emotionally abusive, narcissistic, and isolated me from my friends. Honestly, I can't even put plural for that-- I was "allowed" one friend, and that was the girl who is practically my sister from HIGH SCHOOL. And even then? it was a big to-do if I wanted to spend time with her. I never got to see my mother, who I have a strained relationship with already.

In those three years, I have bought a house (i dont recommend doing what I did. Just.. explore your options.) My situation was that my mother didn't want me living with her anymore and thats fine-- she is entitled to her own space and what not. I'm grown, 30 years old this year, and she has raised me so I get it. I bought this house hastily and to its credit it's a great little starter house for two people. Only issue is, it's small but like I said I just wish I had waited a little bit and shopped around, but I felt the quicker I could get out the faster I could get my cats back! And did.

I've also gotten a new car, a better position at my job (but fuck that place tbqh. grateful for the paycheck but man... 6pm-6am is ROUGH when you are chronically ill.) and....maybe....just maybe... a new partner. I've went from 21lbs to 150 (and that was honestly all in the first year-- I've maintained that weight just about constantly for 2 years running now).

But with new changes, there isn't always a silver lining.

My depression got bad, my anxiety worse, I've developed new health issues such as POTS (thats really fun to have in a warehouse work setting in the middle of summer), seizures (these are non-epileptic), and as of today, chronic hives (and I thought eczema was hard to deal with) on top of my insomnia just absolutely taking the piss out of me. Then one of my moms got into an accident on 4th of july weekend, my co-worker just had to be taken off of a vent because he was denied a lung transplant (guy was only in his 60s if best) & I've fallen out of friendship with what used to be a good coworker (who is now my boss...it's going exactly how you'd imagine lol). Something happened with my partners family, but that's for them to share if they wish.

So all in all 2024 has been absolutely KICKING my ass but I'm still here. I'm sorry for having to disappear for so long, but I do not have the spoons to be here constantly. I am trying to get back into the swing of things, since they're adjusting my medicines and trying to get me on the correct dosages and what not (i've had Serotonin Syndrome & thats' drastically cut what medicines I can have with my mental health, in half.

In short, thank you for sticking with me this long & I hope to come back in full swing eventually, but I'm just slowly trying to chip away at everything and your patience means a great deal! Small little note, my handle used to be Loh on here-- ive changed it to Runnii! (or Rune) and I hope you guys like it!

[acourtofwillowsandleaves]

WIP

This is literally the first fanfic I have ever written. Please don't judge me because I am ✨sensitive✨. Be kind, this is just for fun and like kind of as a way for me to vent my feelings. Big trigger warning for suicide and like mental health stuff...anyways. Here is the first "chapter" I guess. Idk where I'll be going with it but yeah 💁‍♀️

The Tortured Souls Department

Feyre:

“The patients are killing me today…” I huff as I sit down at the nurses station. 

“Room 12 again?” Asks Clare.

“Mhmm.” I roll my eyes, resting my chin in my hand. It had been a year since I had started working here at Prythian General Hospital, specifically the psychiatric ward. I tell myself everyday like a mantra “I love my job…I love my job…you’re so lucky.” It is true, I do love my job, but some days can be difficult. Like today.

“FUUUCK!” Screams said patient in room 12. Here we go again.

“I got it, you take your break,” says Clare as she pats me on my shoulder. Clare to my rescue as always. I flash her an apologetic smile as I get up from my seat and make my way to the break room. 

I make my way into the restroom. I take a deep breath as I splash some water on my face. Looking in the mirror, I look worn out. My brown hair askew - escaping from the low bun at the base of my head. My gray eyes - tired from the long shift. My full lips - chapped from running around like a chicken with my head cut off with no water breaks going on seven hours into my shift. The inner mantra starts again.

As I sit down finally to take my first sip of water all day, my work phone rings.

“Hello?” 

“Feyre, you’re getting an admission. When you come back from your lunch come see me.” Says our dutiful unit secretary.

Another poor soul that needs our help.

I gratefully scarf down my lunch, savoring the short thirty minutes that I have all to myself. I think about what my new admission will be like. Will they be sad, lonely, and depressed? Will they be bouncing off the walls with mania? Talking to the demons in their own mind, plagued with schizophrenia? The possibilities are endless, these are the kind of people I love to help. Unfortunately for them, they are stuck here. This beige and white purgatory. When I am alone I often think about what it would be like if the roles were reversed. What if I was in their place? I shudder at the thought. I see patients that look like zombies. Endlessly wandering with this blank look in their eyes. It’s the cost helping them sometimes. They turn into a zombie.

I walk slowly to our unit office where the clerk is. Up the stairs since the elevator has been broken for months. The building where I work at is part of the old section of the hospital. Meaning it hasn’t been renovated probably since the 1980s. 

“Hey, Az. What’s up?” Azriel is our unit secretary. He answers the phones and keeps an eye on the surveillance cameras.

“Can you give the ER a call when you get a chance? You’re getting this guy, Rhysand. He’s a druggie or whatever.” Azriel waves his hand dismissively at me, urging me to call for report. 

I haven’t had a chance to look in his chart yet, but I am eager to get started on my new admit. The sooner I get it done, the sooner it will be over. I sit down at the desk, pen and paper in hand and dial the extension to the ER.

——————

Rhys:

Black. That’s all there was. All there is. I am no where. But - there’s a light. It starts out tiny, then it keeps growing. And growing. And suddenly I am back. 

I reach back for the darkness but it’s too late. 

I’m being shaken. Quite forcefully. 

It didn’t work. Dammit.

“Let’s get an IV in him, an eighteen gauge please. Normal saline, run it wide open. We need to get his pressure up.” 

I crack my eyes open to see. I’m in the hospital. No. No. No. I need to leave. Need to get out. Need to run. 

“You’re not going anywhere buddy, lay back down.” Suddenly I feel weak and everything goes dark again.

“Oh shit…”

——————

“Rhysand….Rhysand. Rhys.” A familiar voice. I’m not dead, I think. I open my eyes and see my cousin, Mor, sitting inches from my face. There’s tears streaming from her chocolate brown eyes. 

“I’m sorry…” I try to speak but my voice only comes out as a whisper. 

She smacks me on the shoulder, “Don’t you ever do that again! Do you hear me?! I can’t take it anymore, Rhys! You need help.”

I look away, I’m ashamed. It all started when I was coerced into a relationship with a woman. Amarantha. It started out as a joke, us fake-dating. It was a prank for our friends at school. But then she took advantage of me. Blackmailed me and forced me to do things with her. I hated it. Hated her. That went on for about a year. I couldn’t escape. She would force me to go to parties with her. It eventually led to me trying pills for the first time. I loved how I felt. It numbed the pain. Now she’s in prison, but I still have the pills. I can’t stop. I was tired of the nightmares. I wanted it all to end.

“You can’t make me…” 

“Yes I can.” She says, defiantly. 

I sigh, she always gets her way. We’re both orphans essentially. Her family betrayed her, kicked her out at sixteen. My parents are dead. We only have each other. I guess I was selfish for wanting to die. It would have left her all alone in this world. 

“I’ll be right back, I’m gonna go talk to the nurse.” She leaves her place by my bedside and exits the room. 

They can’t keep me. I have to get out of here. 

I rip out the IV attached to my arm, it stings a little but I’ve been through worse. My clothes are neatly folded on a chair across from my bed. I slowly creep my way out of bed and put my clothes on. “Ok, be cool, be cool.” I open the flimsy curtain and tiptoe my way out of my hospital room. 

“He’s trying to leave! Someone get that man back to his room!” Someone yells from down the hall. 

Shit. I break out into a sprint but I have no idea where the exit is.

The next thing I know, I am being tackled to the floor. A large, muscular security guard pins my hands behind my back.

“Hey!” I yelp. I am dragged back to my room, kicking and flailing the entire way. They can’t do this, they’re holding me hostage! For trying to kill myself? Is that suddenly a crime? I swing my arm in a random direction, it makes contact with something pointy and I hear a crack. 

“Get him in restraints. Ativan, benadryl, and, haldol going in.” I feel a sharp prick on my upper arm. I hiss in pain. My arms and legs are being held down and suddenly I am being cuffed to the bed. 

“You mother…fucker….” My mouth feels like it’s full of cotton and my eyelids feel like they’re being pushed closed by some invisible force. 

I am plunged into darkness again. It feels like a warm embrace.

——————

Feyre:

I sit down at my computer in the cramped intake room. I run through my mental checklist: toiletries - check. Scrubs - check. Vital signs machine - check. Admission handouts - check. Consent forms - check. I have everything that I need. “Let’s hope this guy doesn’t beat me up,” I think to myself, crossing my fingers. My coworker, Amren, is assisting me today. She looks down at her phone, bored. A knock sounds on the door to our little room. 

“Come in” I order.

It’s Cassian. My favorite security guard. His hair arranged neatly in a bun on top of his head. My eyes scan toward his face. There’s a bandage on his nose. I grimace at him. No time to make a sarcastic and witty comment to him as he wheels in my new patient. “Hey Feyre, this is Rhysand. Need me to stick around?”

“No thank you…” I drift off. Sitting in front of me is the most beautiful man I have ever seen.

It’s devastating how beautiful he is compared to the ugly situation he is in. 

“Hi, you can call me Rhys.” He smiles, weakly.

I smile back at him, pulling on the purple nitrile gloves. “Feyre,” I say to him. I clear my throat and look away from his gorgeous violet eyes. “I’ll be your nurse today. And this is Amren.” I gesture to Amren. 

“‘Sup.” She waves at him.

I get started on my intake with him. This poor soul. Too beautiful to be in a situation like this.

Stop it, I think to myself. He’s just like everyone else you admit into this place, get a grip on yourself. He signs all of the consent forms and answers my questions with tears in his eyes. He tried to kill himself. I’ve become so desensitized to the trauma of others, I nod and jot down what he tells me. 

“But you probably don’t care…right?” He looks at me so intensely I feel like there’s a spotlight on me. 

“Of course I care. I know we just met and you’re a total stranger to me. But I’m glad that you’re here to get help. I know you may not think it right now, but the world, your friends, and your family need you” I tell him, I reach out and squeeze his hand.

Something snaps in him. “I didn’t ask to be here.” He is glaring at me, his eyes burning a hole in me, shooting daggers. 

“I know, and I’m sorry it had to go this way.” I apologize to him. It is a genuine apology. I’m sorry that he went through what he did. I want to kill whoever drove him to this point. 

“You’re just saying that to make me feel better,” he smirks. 

Well he’s right. I don’t trust the way he is glaring at me so I move on to the next part in our admission assessment. I want to get this over as fast as possible. “Ok Amren, let’s do the skin check and we’ll be done.” I look back over him apologetically. “This next part may be a little embarrassing, but I need you take off your clothes.”

His face turns bright red. “Oh so now you want to see me naked?”

“Yes.” Amen deadpans. 

“Fine.” He strips off his shirt and pants. He looks like a carved statue. The kind that you see in a museum from the renaissance period. Michaelangelo’s David standing before me. If David had tattoos from head to toe that is. He does a little spin. Scars littering his back, Amren making note of them for our assessment. I pull the small curtain out from the corner of the room. 

“Underwear too, Rhys. You can go behind this curtain if you’d like.” I tell him, trying to keep the tone lighthearted. I know I would be embarrassed if I was told to strip naked in front of two strangers of the opposite sex. I try to be as sensitive as I can when it comes to these situations.

“No need.” He shakes his head and drops his black underwear to the floor.

I quickly glance at his legs and backside, telling Amren I don’t see anything of note besides the tattoos. “OK. We’re done. You can pull those back on.” 

I put a pair of the light blue patient scrubs in his hands for him to change into. “You can put these on.” My hand brushes his for a split second and I quickly remove my hand from his vicinity like I had been burned. 

“I can’t wear my own clothes?” He asks.

“There’s vomit on your shirt,” Amen with that deadpan tone again, “Plus there’s strings in your pants. We don’t do strings here.” 

“You’ll get them back before you leave, along with your cell phone and wallet.” I reassure him. He looks like a dear in the headlights - all of that cockiness leaving his face. I see genuine fear flash across his expression. “We have to go now, I’ll show you around…”

“I can’t do this…I’m scared.” He doesn’t want to be here of course. An image flashes across my mind, a memory. Like when I was five years old clinging to my mother as she dropped me off for my first day of kindergarten. 

I offer my hand to him, as if he is the child that doesn’t want to fly the nest and I am the mother.   He clings to my hand as if it’s a lifeline as I lead him out the door and onto the ward. 

Author's Note:

Did you like it??? I don't know how to feel about it. Anyways if you or someone you know is struggling the suicide hotline is 988

[khaleesiofalicante]

Dani I need to vent about something. I hope I'm not intruding.

My college just started and while my social life is thriving and it's a lot of fun, there are so many things that are so fucking toxic. There are all these customs and rules that people adhere too when it comes to seniors.

Like we have to call our seniors sir and ma'am and wish them whenever we run into them. And apparently we're not supposed to ask their names directly and we can't look them in the eye.

And like I don't have a problem calling them sir or ma'am or wishing them or showing respect. But they scold you if you forget to do it and are so fucking rude. My friend didn't notice someone and so didn't wish her and so she asked him if he's blind or mute (derogatory). It was such a toxic thing to do and he was incredibly hurt.

This is something a lot of people have been experiencing. They even asked some of the boys to sort of bow when they wish them.

There are a lot of strict Anti Ragging rules in our college but idk if this is something that is covered by it. And these people are treating us like inferiors and are always patronizing us. It's very demeaning.

And also another of my friends didn't come today because he was sick and some seniors asked us to tell him to call them and apologize because they think he made a complaint about them (he didn't). And he's decided to stay home for a couple of days. He told me that it's because he's unwell but I think he's scared.

Also this same friend usually hangs out with girls and talks in a way that people make fun of. And a lot of people have been making derogatory comments about his gender and sexuality. When he expressed an interest to be the leader of Gender Champs (its a club about gender equality and everything else related to gender) this guy asked him 'which gender will you represent?' It's all so so hurtful and weird and toxic. Obviously not everyone is like this. But it's very hurtful when all of this happens.

Sorry if this was all too long. I just needed to get it off my chest. I'm having a great time at college and have made friends that I can really see myself having a great relationship with and there is already so much that I've learnt about it the past week and have so much that I'm looking forward to. I even attended this webinar about modern sex education that talked about a lot of things that I'm very curious about and wanted to learn (I've never had the chance to talk about any of this before with people who're from my own country and environment). And we also have to make this research project that I'm very excited about and have already started preparing for. Overall I'm having the time of my life. But this attitude of some of our seniors has been very off putting and stressful and i hope that it gets better soon and no one gets hurt.

Hey, Yana.

Thank you for telling me this. This is unfortunately way too common in many local universities in South Asia. It is 100% ragging and part of the culture. Despite the anti-ragging rules, this kind of behavior is incredibly normalized and even the lecturers and staff have accepted it as the norm. What surprises me the most is how this toxicity continues year after year and people never seem to learn from it. But I hope it will get better too.

This is not good advice but please do keep your head down and stay away from these people as much as you can. I've never found fighting these 'bullies' to be effective because it's not a behavioral issue but rather a systematic one. Having a group of friends in your uni whom you can talk to about this - and also hang out in groups so you won't be targeted or isolated by these assholes - would be helpful. But please know you are always welcome to come here and talk to me about it.

I'm really glad to hear you're having a great time otherwise and meeting a lot of like-minded people! Yay to sex education and good luck with your research project! 💙

[hobisexually]

Sooo I don’t know how you’re feeling right now and if you can relate but lately I feel like I’ve just been working allll the time and don’t have any time to think and pause? I’m 30 years old, single since forever I guess, and life just keeps on flowing without anything really happening apart from work. I get home, eat, watch some series or something, go to sleap and repeat? And I want to change things up but I just really don’t have the energy to??

hiya darling, ironically enough I didn’t answer this yet because… I didn’t have any time to think and pause dndnd

no, but, I understand you, I really do. I felt the same for a really long time and even though I really love my job, and I would probably still do it even if I was a millionaire, the repeat and the being so wiped out from giving everything at work was too much for me. especially with covid in between, the only thing I focussed on was work (because all social events were out of the question, and if they weren’t they were out of the question for me specifically because I was really very fucking terrified about getting covid so I cancelled almost everything). work was all I had so I gave it my everything and then realised I didn’t want to live life like this

the problem is, though, that we also have something to prove? especially when you’re young and just starting out (30 is still young and at the beginning of your career) so I gave myself some goals and some time and then started looking into ways I could do work a little easier. what I found was that I was much happier when I worked four days a week instead of five but I realise that’s not a possibility for everyone because we need the money, but maybe you can look into working 4x9? Or 36 hours instead of 40? because even only working Friday mornings rather than the whole Friday makes a difference for me

and I also made myself do at least one fun thing during the weekend or at night during the week. fun can mean anything that’s relaxing to you — sports, art, shopping, meeting up with friends, partying, or just going for a walk through nature. I know how hard it is to do anything when you’re this tired and when work and society demands this much of you but when the balance is skewed you need something that refreshes you. I’m not saying push through all your tiredness, definitely rest where you can, but there are different types of rest and sometimes going into nature, venting at a friend in person or exercising also is rest. mental rest, emotional rest, a rest from the burdens you carry…. it matters and also gives you more energy to do things in the long run

idk, the balance is hard and I tend to overdo it and then crash again because I gave too much, but when I did it just right I feel so much better about my life in general as well, it’s about finding out what works for you. and I also don’t know whether there’s anything you go through that makes your energy levels even lower so if you know there’s something chronic at play for you, of course take that into account or make the activities smaller, but life isn’t about work. we work to live, we don’t live to work, even if society and work try to tell you differently.

but this they don’t tell you about adulthood, right? and I’m sorry you’re in a slump, I was in it for two years as well and it felt horrible. and it’s still there sometimes, and sometimes there are weeks I cannot get out of bed outside of work at all and I just accept my fate — that is okay too as long as it doesn’t last too long, you know?

also. the being single thing fucking sucks and it gnaws at me every fucking day, I really get you and I don’t have much to say on that that you’re not already feeling or thinking, just know I understand and I deeply hate it too. that’s the one thing I’m still stuck on as well and I hate that everyone else seems to be able to date so easily 🥲

[kit-the-dreamer]

°.• Secret Meeting •.°

:: The Vent Society : OH-013's story ::

Quick clarification: OH-013 is a Sackbot Oc of mine inspired on @thegoobiedoober 's idea of The Vent Society. I will probably start writing parts of her life experiences in random order to start telling the story she has to offer. It'll probably feel like a puzzle, idk xd

I hope you enjoy ♡

°.•.°.•.°.•🔆°.•.°.•.°.•

...

"Yeah... I remember you" said the voice from the other side of that thin wall.

"Excuse me?" she asked. Not in shock or surprise though, she genuily didn't understand what he meant.

"You're excused" was his response.

OH-013 heard devilish but genuine laugh from behind that vent. She didn't get what was so funny about that comment. She let out an unvoluntary confused robotic sound due to that odd situation. The laugh stopped a few seconds after.

"You have no sense of humor." he spitted, although with no harsh feelings.

"I was not built to detect jokes, my apologies for the missunderstanding." she answered in a monotonous but kind tone. That response clearly showed the limits her AI had. Or the limits that were intentionally put during her programming...

He hated that lack of respect towards his her species.

A few seconds passed when he ralized that the silence had made its presence clear again.

"What I was saying is that I remember you. From 'The Grand Battle'. " he broke the silence once more, refusing to accept nor mention that dumb apology of hers from some moments ago. Stupid Sackbot programming.

OH-013 felt a shiver run down her circuits at the sole mention of that day. She thought she had already forgotten it, but now, now it felt like it had been just yesterday she was fighting against the pawns of the... The Negativitron.

"Hey..."

That day was gloriously devastating. The Alliance won, that's for sure, but, at what cost? Her comrades, pals, friends, family... all recycled into the Imagisphere, transformed into abstract traces of creativity traveling through the Cosmos...

"Hey."

She realized that description sounded better than it really was.

"HEY!"

"Eeep!" OH-013 got startled. She covered her mouth half a second after she let out that weird sound. How embarrasing. However, the other didn't seem to care enough to make fun of her or even mention what he just heard.

"I was talking to you, if you haven't noticed, miss." he said. "So indeed, I am waiting for an answer, something that should be common when having a conversation."

Ok, rude.

Maybe this clarified how much he really hated silence, or probably the mere feeling of loneliness. Again, she doesn't know how long he has been stuck inside this vents by his own. Not even he remembers-

It was just then, after all this thoughts, that it finally struck her.

"Wait... did you said you... 'remember me'? "

"Uh... yeah? I said it twice already." he said a little bothered. "It was noticeable that you weren't a battle sackbot, so you kinda stood out. Your clumsy movements with the Positivitron thing were clear enough. You definitely weren't prepared for it all! Hahaha!" he lighted up his tone.

Even though he couldn't see her due to the wall between them both, OH-013 blinked in confusion. She didn't know what she should be feeling or doing at the moment.

She heard a sigh from the other side.

"But you were just following orders I guess. Am I right?"

Finally, something she could really answer.

"You are correct. I am indeed created to follow orders."

He was surprised for her taking the subject so lightly. With that response, she showed him she knew her place on this all. She knew she was a pawn, fighting for ''the bigger cause'' of her team, and was alright with it. Unlike him.

Maybe being on the Negativitron's side wasn't as different as 'The Alliance' after all.

"Did I say something wrong?" OH-013 asked as she became aware of her counterpart's silence.

''No, I was just... thinking about something." he replied.

"How come you remember me?" she clarified her question, since her doubts hadn't been cleared at all.

"Pffft, what the hell do you mean with that? I was reprogrammed by him to remember the enemies' face and characteristics." he said in a sour tone. He didn't like talking about the subject of 'programming'. He preferred thinking he was kind of free at this point, even if, ironically, he was being unvoluntary kept as a prisioner in those vents.

"Also..." he added in a softer tone, "your face isn't easy to forget."

OH-013 felt something weird after that statement. It was something that felt good nonetheless, but, why didn't she have the words to describe her current feelings?

Was she... geniuily smiling this time? Was that what happiness felt like? REAL happiness?

...

No.

It wasn't happiness.

She was still stuck in these vents. Logically, she couldn't be happy unless she gained her freedom back...

her 'freedom', anyway.

But she still kept her smile.

She had always been told that she was replaceable, not-unique, recyclable. She was ONLY an 'OH-' unit after all, nothing else. There were thousands of them out there. OH-090, OH-483, OH-103... and probably others stuck in the vents as well. Sackbots who no one went to look for. Not even her. Because they were replaceable.

But this little weird monster from the other side of the vent's wall, someone that wasn't even her enemy but declared as THE enemy, was showing her otherwise.

He remembered her.

He truly did.

And after all this days they've been stuck 'together', she haven't even bothered to ask his alphanumeric identifyig code name. He didn't seem amused by it though...

At all.

[two-reflections]

I finally finished my entry for the Salamanders Discord Anthology Writing Competition.

I'm not happy with how it went. Gonna vent a bit below.

I really struggled with this one. I found the prompts a bit uninspiring. Still, I managed to finish them all. I didn't have a strict plan or specific characters in mind from the outset, so I could adapt. I feel for a lot of the other participants, though. A lot of folks had plans that got massively derailed, which seemed to lead to lots of them dropping out. That makes me sad. Writing fanfic is meant to be fun, isn't it? A bit more flexibility would probably have been helpful for them.

I struggled with the format a bit too. We were required to format our final documents like an anthology, but it felt a bit silly to do that for four stories of under 1500 words each. Getting the page numbering to work on Word was a headache, too. I was never good at typesetting, but this made me miss my InDesign days...

Well, at least it's done. My "anthology" is 17 pages long, only around 5900 words. Expect it on Ao3 in a week or two.

...also, one of the judges really rubbed me the wrong way. Gonna be super petty and complain about him for a sec.

So, the judges responded to all feedback requests in public instead of privately, and one of the two judges' feedback was largely subjective but presented objectively, was not worded constructively, and (ridiculously for a fandom based around a British IP) seemed to penalise non-American writers for their spelling and grammar. I was looking forward to getting feedback, but after seeing this guy's, I ended up not asking for any. Pretty sure he just would have complained about how I spell colour with a U and use -ise instead of -ize. 🙄

By the way, this same judge started minor drama and seemed to quit the last competition because the previous competition runner didn't run his comp the same way this guy runs the painting comp. Idk, I think he's permanently on a bit of a power-trip.

No complaints about the other judge, who is the main comp runner and also won the last competition. I found the format requirements, which were new for this one, over the top, but he seems like a stand-up guy.

Oh well.

Not sure I'll do one of these again. Maybe if the guy who ran the previous one to this one runs another. I preferred his style, plus he spent a lot of time helping stuck participants. Fostered a more positive environment.

We'll see.

[limerent-licorice]

This is more of a vent blog.

Im pretty sure that nobody would read these posts and I think it would be better for others' minds as well if they don't read it. No pressure tho if u do want to traumatise urself.

Im not really sure why ive made this blog myself. Just that my mind runs wild at night and I just have a need to get rid of it so this is a way I try to make myself better.

Idk if I need an introduction considering that nobody would read this blog but if u do wanna know me just DM ig idk. Also idk whether I should mention this or not but I'm a guy if that really matters to u. I don't want ppl sending nudes tho. I hope u respect that.

Lately I've been feeling like I've been changing in ways that aren't really good. There's been this massive shift in environments lately for me and I remember that before I used to be very fun and energetic and very social. I've always been an introvert regardless and it's not that I'm not fun now just that I feel like I'm not able to connect with ppl the way I used to before. I'll just call this change of environments as a 'canon' (yeah ik it sounds very across the spiderversey but I'm not getting any other name in my head so imma just call it that)

It's not that before the canon, things were perfect. Ibe always had shitty mental health ever since COVID started. I was very deeply in love with this girl who was my best friend. I met her in middle school and honestly she wasn't the most attractive girl in the class but I was emotionally broken when I met her because my very own friends had betrayed me and I was finding it difficult to trust literally anyone. When all hopes for making any sort of friendship were lost, she entered my life. I was innocently but deeply in love with her. I never really told her that I felt that way for her because I had self image issues and I didn't want to lose the only friend that I really had. Maybe if I did risk it then things would've turned out different for me. But that very year she shifted abroad and I was like "fuck what just happened". She kinda did heal me from what I was going through and got me to an extent where I could at least believe in myself that I wasnt completely unlovable. Things went well for an year, I entered high school. Made couple of friends who were rarely guys because of the massive distrust I had in them. I was pretty accepted despite that tho. Like it might sound odd to many for a guy to ba part of a friend grp which is filed with girls but it never felt that way for me. Im pretty sure the other guys just kept thinking that I'm gay or I had low testosterone and what not but well Idrc as long as I'm protecting myself. And then boom COVID hit everything went online and I started to go onto social media platforms to stay in touch with ppl. That's when I got close to her again and this time, we got much more closer. She had some shitty friends abroad which made her to value those more back in her hometown. Which meant shed spend more time with me and her other friend whom we had a trio with. Well her other friend had always been along in my life and just that it's after I met her that I started to acc get close to her friend as well. Im gonna give these characters dummy names later but for now all u need to know is that we got close. It might feel like everythings going good but well life is like a tv show with small advertisement break like moments of happiness. And the break was over. I got a little too attached to her and fucked things up in short but we still stayed friends somehow. Things got toxic but her friend at times would seem manipulative of her and I realised that I was not the only toxic one here. This caused a lot of mental fuckups which eventually led to the end of the friendship two days before graduation. HOW FUCKING CINEMATIC.

Coming to the present that is now in college. Ukw I'll just let it out. Coming to college is the canon. Now that things are done with with the friend grp I had and that now I'm gonna start afresh. I came to college as a blank slate. I did have a lot of lessons I learnt n shit cause of all the drama but after I came to college, I realised that everything here works differently. All the old ideals n stuff its all inexistent. Like for example in my hometown, being homophobic was like a big nono and now here it's just totally normal. It almost felt like I'm surrounded by cavemen. And it just feels odd and unnatural honestly. So I decided to just ignore everyone else's opinions and values and what nots and just know them for who they are instead. Adding insult to the injury, I was raised in a place where speaking English was the norm due to a wide range of diversity n stuff but here, they just speak the local language. I mean we are a part of the same country and I do know the language but since I was raised in English completely, I had little to no experience talking in the native language which made communication evem more awkward.

With everything that's happened and everything that's going on, I realised that I'm losing my older self which everyone used to somehow seem to love. Idk whether I'm not able to propagate to others effectively or what but I feel like everything combined together is just ruining my old serene self. Like ofc the older self was filled with toxicity and trauma but I found my way out and found peace with who I was. And I was making new friends to a good depth and ppl were understanding me better and I used to help ppl cope with their emotions and everyone seemed to love me then. Now that I'm here, I don't see depth in ppl at all. Im not able to form bonds the same way anymore. And I feel like that side of me is just dying. Considering how much effort it took for me to build that side of mine, I feel like if I lose it, I've lost myself completely and I can't really say anything to anyone because my older friends are no longer present in my life and the newer ones don't understand me.

So I made this blog where I try to find myself by posting what I used to be to remember everything I went through to gain back that version of me.

[barbierpt]

hey barbie! i hope you don't mind me venting here ;v; i've been an admin of a long-running rp for the past 6 years now and it's been a great time! i love the group (obvi i've been here this long lol) even though we've kinda become a slightly "smaller" group (about a dozen members at this point) over the years through people and coming and going and just who's stuck around and wants to be here (at least 8 of these people have been here 5-6 years like i have). i just recently ran a 2 week m!a event that we have every year and everyone's always loved it saying it's so much fun and how they always look forward to it every year, although this year it.. idk it fell kind of flat? like half of the group (as usual) showed up on the first day or two to send out anons and start threads but there was the other half just sitting in the ooc waiting for people to come to them with anons without reciprocating or starting threads. and then after day 2 everyone just vanished and the dash has been crawling, ooc's been dead, co-admin hasn't done anything or been around, even my closest friends in this group that i talk to daily have been barely online to even talk and idk. sure our dash has had quiet moments as our real lives pick up but usually it gains life during events like this. i know it's just an rp but i feel so disappointed and demoralized that i put in all this work on this event and it feels like no one cares this time around and i'm this close to canceling the rest of our group's events this year if no one wants to show up for opportunities i provide for writing and plotting. 🥲 i don't know if you or anyone might have any advice on how to handle this situation?

hi anon!! first of all, i'm so sorry you've had that happen –– i know it sucks major ass when effort as an admin feels unappreciated. i hope it's just a perfect storm of everyone suddenly getting busy but, at the same time, if no one's communicating that with you (like i think members should) then how are you supposed to know what's really going on behind the scenes??

personally, that would be my first instinct too to stop hosting events after something like this in a group that's ran that long. if players aren't going to appreciate the effort then why waste the energy, y'know?? but then again, this might be a more passive aggressive approach 😅 alternatively, you could either talk with your members or host another event and see if this happens again before canceling all other events. ideally, this was just a one-time thing with shitty timing.

either way, i hope it works out for the best for you, anon. if anyone else has other advice for the anon on this topic, please chime in!! 💓

[nightmare-in-the-woods]

fuck it vent post

im not trigger warning this, read it at your own risk

It's long and I've been spiralling so have fun if ya do read it? Idk man. It's 2 am as I'm editing this to say it's a long ass post. I started writing this at 1 am so that says something I guess.

I fucking hate kids. Like so fucking much. Growing up I wanted kids, I thought I could be a good parent, less fucked up than my parents were.

And I know now that yeah, I could probably be a great dad. I'm great with kids, I have a three year old little sister who adores me, and multiple younger cousins that love me, and multiple of my friends younger siblings love me too.

But I now as an 18 year old hate kids, and I don't think I can love them again.

I don't want to hate kids. I don't want to. I want to be a good person who likes kids and can have kids but I fucking can't anymore.

I've had to watch my little sister so often, and like yeah I know that's a normal part of being an older sibling but I wasn't an older sibling until I was fucking 15.

When my little sister was born I fucking loved her with my whole heart but every day I have to watch her or babysit I grow to hate her a little more. It gets worse when I also have to watch these two other kids who's mom works for my mom.

I'M NOT EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE BABYSITTING THEM MY MOM IS

But every fucking day this week my mom was out and ended up coming home late to watch them so I've been watching them for like an hour every day, and yes an hour isn't a long time but I WAS WATCHING MY LITTLE SISTER FOR HOURS BEFORE THE BOYS COME OVER

AND THEN THE BOYS ARE FUCKING EXCITABLE KIDS (and there's nothing wrong with this but I've been dealing with a very excited three year old for hours at this point so I already don't have the energy for this shit) AND SO THEY'RE RUNNING AROUND AND HURTING EACH OTHER AND NOT FUCKING LISTENING WHEN ANYONE TELLS THEM TO FUCKING STOP

But I'm so good with kids that everyone around me expects me to be a fucking parent when I'm an adult and when I tell the truth and say that no I fucking hate kids and can barely stand being around them for more than thirty minutes I'm treated like a fucking mad man or a monster.

Like not only did I never want to have a biological child because mental health and physical health issues run in my family but now I don't want to have them at all

Do I blame my little sister for this? FUCK NO, if anything I blame my mother.

I used to love kids, I'm fucking great with kids, but I fucking hate kids now, and I wish I didn't but I do. I'm so tired of people treating me like crap for hating kids when they love them, like I'm so sorry my experience with my baby sister and every other child I've met has been terrible and I now see children as little screaming germs that literally can't give a fuck unless it's gonna affect them in any way. I'm sorry I said something that warned you of "kids aren't sunshines and rainbows, they can suck sometimes. Kids are people too and not just little dreamy meat slugs. That baby you're dreaming of having as an adult will grow up."

In short I can't fucking do it anymore. I've been watching kids all week and I'm fucking spiraling because I fucking hate kids now when I used to love them and I haven't been able to do a semblance of basic fucking self care because they sucked out all of my energy and its one am rn and im sobbing about how much kids exhaust me and how much i fucking hate myself.

Sorry adding more because I fucking can

I'm so fucking tired like I can't fucking sleep, if I'm sleeping im not getting there until three am and then I'm waking up at five, and then again at seven but when I wake up at seven there's no fucking hope to get back to sleep

So not only am I watching a bunch of screaming children, I'm watching them while sleep deprived and just praying for a fucking break from all the noise so that I can maybe MAYBE take a nap, because even when my mom does finally get home and take over I'm still exhausted and the walls are still thin and I'm just grasping at the straws of my fucking sanity praying for a chance to fucking rest that isn't talking to my favorite person because while yes talking to him does help a lot I can't fucking rely on one person to hold up my sanity.

I'm exhausted and the only actual break I've been able to scramble for is talking to this one person but that's not enough and I'm tired and I'm so fucking close to cutting again and I don't want to cut again but I know it would give me some sort of relief because it hurts.

It all fucking hurts. I'm tired and drained and I can't do it anymore. I just want it to stop hurting I just want some actual fucking sleep

My only solice is knowing that I'm going to my dad's house because I still do that 50/50 split custody thing Ive grown up always doing, so I won't have to be around any kids until Christmas, and then I go right back to Dad's after. Even if I fucking hate my dad I can at least take a fucking break at his house.

AND TO ADD ON TO THIS I FUCKING HATE CHRISTMAS

THAT'S RIGHT THE GUY WHO LIKE A LITTLE OVER AN HOUR AGO DID A HAPPY LITTLE POST ABOUT A CHRISTMAS TRADITION IN MY FAMILY HATES FUCKING CHRISTMAS

BECAUSE CHRISTMAS MEANS GETTING IN THE CAR AND SEEING A BUNCH OF FAMILY I HATE AND BEING UNCOMFORTABLE AND WATCHING PEOPLE WHO SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED WITHIN A HUNDRED FEET OF ANY SORT OF ALCOHOL GET DRUNK

IT MEANS SEEING MY GRAMMIE WHO SHOWS CLEAR FAVORITISM TO ME WHICH I HATE BECAUSE SHE SEES ME AS A MINI SKINNY VERSION OF HER IT MEANS DEALING WITH MY BROTHER GETING SALTY AND BITCHY BECAUSE GRAMMIE'S FAVORITISM HURTS

IT MEANS BEING AROUND MY STEP DADS FAMILY WHO I MET WHEN I WAS 15 AND ONLY GIVE ME OBLIGATION SHIT

I DONT WANT THE GIFTS I WANT TO BE IGNORED AND I WANT TO GO FUCKING HOME BECAUSE I HATE YOU ALL

Ive tried turning Christmas into this fun positive thing by drawing things to give to my friends because I love them and like I've been using it as a sort of excuse to spoil my friends in any way I can but I fucking hate the holiday, it'll always be a terrible terrible lonely soul crushing holiday for me.

There has never been anything quite as lonely as sitting in a room full of family, that you hate or you're scared of or God forbid fucking both, and knowing that you'll never have that normal loving experience of a happy Christmas.

[eyesteeth]

seeing the tangle tower resurgence on my feed has me thinking about my dg oc trish... she was abandoned in early 2021 but i might bring her back with a new coat of paint... they were fun (overly long explanation of hazy memories under the cut)

their whole like schtick was they're an obviously fake medium. but What If. but no she's a hack. But What If They Weren't

and there's like a series of running gags of whether or not she's been murdered, and you find her body multiple times to the point where it becomes a bit of a boy who cried wolf situation until they're like Straight Up Killed in front of grimoire and sally.

there was a hypothetical outer cast but i never fully fleshed them out because the hyperfix didn't last that long. theyre a scientist, government agent, hack spirit medium, doctor, train conductor, bellboy, and mysterious little girl (now mysterious woman).

it was a theft case turned murder - a scientist traveling on this train had a very strong poison in their possession, which had been stolen at some point on the journey. upon realizing it was gone, the train ended up being parked on the track and put on lockdown while grimoire and sally were called in. idk about the logistics of that either it's a mystery game premise

(i was playing The Raven Remastered around this time, hence the train thing. and also a dash of the Haunt The House games because i played sooooo much Haunt The House in elementary school. add a pinch of Last Train To Blue Moon Canyon and that's it that's the plot)

during the investigation, after the first round of testimony and exploration of the train, the body of the scientist would be found, and the train would suddenly start back up again. i really liekd this idea specifically because most mystery games you don't get to know the victim, so having an opportunity to chat with them some was a fun idea to me.

by this point it's a race against the clock to figure out who the killer is before the train reaches the station and the poison is (presumably) handed off to dubious parties.

the idea was mostly Vibes, i don't think i even had a planned murderer, that's how barely baked it was, i just vividly remember this bit with trish where they had channeled the ghost of the victim and recounted their last words, only for it to later be figured out that the possession was false - but the last words were accurate because trish had like been in the fucking vents or whatever (are there even vents on a train) and had witnessed the murder. at which point grim and sally are like "wait. so you saw the killer" and trish is like "yeah" which i found boundlessly funny.

and then trish is about to say the name of the killer but then she starts looking real bad and collapses over dead - she's been poisoned!! except, japes, they're actually fine and not dead, this is a ploy to catch the killer. killer gets caught and then the killer's like "but i poisoned you!! how are you still alive" and trish is like "my final jape... i've been possessing my corpse this whole time" n just, jumps off the train. farewell.

silly fucking convoluted plot but that's just how adventure games work. and i imagine everyone else could have done equally silly shit if i'd bothered to do anything with them. i get the sense that the poison was a government thing or something and that's why the agent was there, and it was like "ah a political intrigue case. with no supernatural things" and then trish is like "hi it's dubious whether or not i was dead the whole game byeeee"

they were silly. epic failgirl

[clanoffelidae]

bleh

trying to tell myself that this is the heaviest time of year at work, im very much still recovering from covid, im still hurt by what happened back in early december and having difficulty re-engaging with previous past times because of the associations, and am also currently trying to help a disabled friend get out of his abusive home, find a doctor who can help him, and figure out how he can sustain himself financially long-term in a way that won't make everything worse in the long run by exceeding his limitations; so it's okay that i'm not doing a whole lot of 'fun' things or being super productive, i don't have to be to begin with, but i'm still feeling pretty down at times

i think by and large i'm mostly lonely; while i see people every day at work we're all stressed to hell and back, i retreated from several social circles when the whole deal went down in early december because it was all just constant reminders of what was hurting me (which was absolutely the right call, but the end result was also that, well, now i don't talk to as many people any more :/), and hit me so bad that i really should have gone to the hospital so i've just been too tired to socialize with people both irl and online but unfortunately human brains are stupid and still demand a level of socializing and make you feel bad when you don't get it even when putting in the effort to get it would cause greater overall suffering due to physical and mental stress (i've had like maybe half a spoon since i started feeling really sick around december 22nd-23rd)

i dunno, just externalizing it, if you happen to read this it's probably cause you follow me and so by now you are probably well aware that i do that a lot lol

idk writing in a journal or personal notepad doesn't really help as much, i try to bury these types of posts a lot by not tagging them and putting them under readmores in the hopes that they'll go largely unnoticed, but i need the façade of putting it out there and making it 'public' or else it still circles to an extent; i have to at least be able to pretend i'm saying it to other people to get it out best and unfortunately i haven't been able to cognitive dissonance myself well enough for truly private rambles to help

so like i dunno, if you're reading this don't feel like this is a cry for help or really saying anything, i'm just trying to process how i feel and externalize it in the hopes the bad vibes will ease up a bit

and what sucks even more is that now i feel the need to say that haha; because what hurt me so bad back in december was that two instances of me just posting things on my blog to externalize them, untagged (tagged with commentary but not tagged to be searchable) and hidden under readmores that were just me trying to get negative feelings out in as privately a way as i could while still saying them 'publicly' because my brain is stupid and needs to at least be able to pretend it's being said to other people, were taken and used to call me immature and untrustworthy, i was given no chance to defend myself or even ask questions until i went and tracked someone else down to ask if i could ask questions, no one ever reached out to me and asked about the posts before going ahead and leveling accusations at me (and i know the posts had to go through at least four people's hands and two levels of hierarchy), not once did anyone try to inquire about these non-specific and untagged posts to see if they had the story right, and while during the subsequent conversation one of them was cleared up and apologized for (which i greatly appreciate!) not a single thing was said about the other and the second post had been me venting irrational anxieties about encountering a specific individual who had previously hurt me and when i requested that they (people who used that post to accuse me) not do that to someone again as far as i can tell i was pretty much just brushed off

like if just one person had messaged me and said they were concerned about the posts or wanted to talk to me about them i would've been happy to clear things up right there on the spot

and now i can't even make an anonymous post on my anonymous tumblr blog about the fact that i'm feeling a little down without feeling the need to defend myself for doing so because the last time i did this it was -gestures irritably and exhaustedly to text wall above-

just sucks y'all, idk

at every possible point in that situation i tried to communicate with people when it was clear there was something to communicate about, beyond that i was just externalizing feelings and attempting to make sure they were out of the way and not bothering anyone, you don't get to come in here and demand that i should have taken my vent post about completely irrational anxieties relating to an individual who has harmed me previously to you, complete strangers, instead of just non-specifically venting it and burying it because it's irrational worry and i knew that and was just trying to get it out of my head; especially when you never tried to communicate your concerns to me, as far as i knew we had resolved everything because everything had been cleared up and everyone said it was fine, the sheer hypocrisy and audacity of demanding that i bring my personal trauma and anxiety to complete fucking strangers when said strangers couldn't even be bothered to send me a single damn message related to their own concerns after, again, we had seemingly cleared everything up and everything had been smoothed over because clarifications were made and everyone said it was cool, and then i got taken by complete surprise and felt the damn floor fall away from me after an hour or two once it fully sunk in that the fucking intrusive thoughts i was trying to cope with were used as a weapon against me

like fucking thanks they were already causing me enough difficulty on their own, didn't know they could be weaponized even further, now i know i guess

'but how could anyone have known that-?' maybe if they'd fucking asked me, at literally any point, instead of taking non-specific words from a complete stranger that were not directed at anyone and deciding what they meant in their own heads

but to do a complete tonal whiplash as is my specialty i am well and truly still upset about that and still working on it (emotional processing and recovery was halted by a blast door upon contracting covid wherein i transitioned from fighting a painful emotional situation to fighting for my damn life lol), slowly picking up steam again on working through it and dragging things up back out from where they got hurriedly buried because i had other priorities like trying to continue breathing to sort through them, but as awful as it was the statements of 'i hate that this happened and am extremely hurt by it and am still processing it' and 'if this situation hadn't happened i could've well died or at the very least wound up on a ventilator and with severe lung and probably heart damage from covid so i am simultaneously extremely grateful it happened because i love living and being alive' are not mutually exclusive <3

'lynx what the FUCK do you mean it stopped you from dying or at the very least ending up on a ventilator from covid'

part of the reason the situation was so hard on me was that i had inadvertently entered withdrawal from my adhd meds, an amphetamine, and the situation resulted in that withdrawal going on for much longer than it should have (and may have sort of been the reason it started because i wound up staying up late because i was so excited due to stuff related to the situation before it went to shit and as a result overslept and missed my meds for 2 days in a row and thus started me into withdrawal); it left me struggling to stand and trembling and with a persistent headache and too weak to do much other than stumble to the kitchen for 2 minutes and then stumble back to bed

what this means: i was in severe physical distress due to amphetamine withdrawal BUT i also built up an extra stockpile of the meds i failed to take

i shortly after went up to a higher dose of my meds

i barely had enough to get me through covid

if all of this hadn't happened i would have gone into amphetamine withdrawal from an even HIGHER dose of a medication which left me struggling to stand, extremely weak, and in pain when i went into withdrawal the first time; while being sick with covid that got so severe already that i could feel stuff rattling in my chest with every breath that i was too weak to cough out, i was unable to do more than take extremely shallow breaths because the lower parts of my lungs were gummed up, and i was having to breathe at about 35-40 breaths a minute while lying down resting because if i tried to slow or deepen my breathing at all i would become dizzy from oxygen deprivation

yeah anyway the situation sucks and im still very much working on the emotional hardship it caused and figuring out what to do but on the other hand i am simultaneously extraordinarily grateful for it because whatever benevolent but chaotic entity sets up the rube goldberg machine that is my life (this is NOT the first time something like this has happened, another good example im not going to get into the details of rn is 2 months of extremely painful ear infections saved me from a therapy bill) made sure i wouldn't die or at the very least end up on a ventilator with severe lung and probably heart damage from covid 👍

and ive got that other stuff going on like i mentioned at the beginning but that's way too much an on-going thing for me to have more thoughts than 'hnnng why can't i just kidnap friend' F lol

just venting and then felt it apt to ensure the tonal whiplash of my life hits as many people as possible because if you started reading that upset vent you gotta know what happened a few weeks later because buddy. ah.

anyway living and being alive is great, i have seen the face of death before and while it has left me a much wiser and more peaceful person in the aftermath (honestly i know it doesn't seem like it from my vent posts but that's because i have chronic can't shut up disease but at the end of it all i really only give a shit because i know that what happens to me can happen to others, if this had been something like 'yeah i got attacked by a rabid dog but it was euthanized and im getting treatment for it 's all good' you would've heard way less about it lol, it's because this is a kind of situation that ripples if that makes sense?) i really was laying there christmas night realizing the probability of me not waking up again (which is never 0) had increased by a worryingly large percentage and looking at death who was vibing on top of my chest and making it hard to breathe like '... i'm going to sleep and you better piss off while i'm in dreamland'

(not literally i mean this in a metaphorical sense)

at this rate i'm gonna have to start asking how the kids are lol

mfer's quiet tho like damn okay i'm not worth a reply i'll just go fuck myself then lol

(again, still being metaphorical here; it's one of those things where if you don't get it just let it go and if you get it you get it and also i'm so sorry do you want to talk /srs)