#idk if these make sense i am so exhausted

[taffywabbit]

[kind of a longwinded vent post i guess, i was gonna just make a sort of tired joke post but then it actually wasn't a joke oops. don't feel obligated to read this, i just need to put my thoughts somewhere]

man. i am wayyy too damn busy this week to be getting hit with as many heavy thoughts and potentially entire-perspective-on-life-altering realizations about my identity and mental health as i have been. why can't i ever have important stuff to think about during literally any time when my life affords me the time and energy to think about it properly. it just ends up being loud background static behind my existing stress every time because it's like... i obviously do have tangible stuff i NEED to prioritize, and it's reasonable for me to put that first, but i still end up feeling like i'm somehow being cowardly or irresponsible by putting off the internal processing that's demanding i pay more attention to it.

i'm literally just living that one post that's like "i'm probably nonbinary but i have a job so i don't really care about that right now" or whatever, except i'm already trans so swap that first part out for a growing list of possible untreated mental illnesses, an increasingly-hard-to-ignore identity crisis, the looming dread that i cannot keep treading water in my current stagnant career forever. also, most notably, a general sense that i have no idea where my life is going or what i want from it now that i've finally broken down my mental wall labeled "you can't pursue anything else you want until you get your ass in gear and start transitioning already", gotten some joy out of that, and then realized there wasn't much else it was actually obstructing. and it's like. breaking that wall DID at least give me a clearer view of things and now i have plenty of other important stuff i could unpack, but it feels like i'm just stuck on a nonstop conveyor belt of "actually i don't have time for that because i'm behind on work again" that prevents me from making real tangible progress in figuring my shit out, even now.

like i am aware this is very much a "GOD i need to talk to a therapist" type situation but guess what! seeing a therapist costs a lot of money (yes, even in canada) and takes time and effort to set up, and if i want those things i'd better get my work done! except oops now i'm once again too busy to do anything BUT work, because i burned out and slowed down and the work took too long again and now i no longer have the time for the genuine proper break i needed in order to do anything for myself besides earn money.

one of the most frustrating parts is that HRT has seemingly made me a lot more emotionally sensitive and outwardly reactive (as it reportedly does for many people), and instead of that being the cathartic experience it should be, it usually just manifests as all my shit very visibly unraveling at the seams as i spiral and make an ass of myself and push people away, where i previously would've at LEAST been able to hold it together a bit better. so not only do i feel like i'm not making progress, it's constantly taking all the energy i can spare just to avoid crashing out and burning all my bridges and leaving myself with no external supports. my friends are kinda all i have right now, and i'm painfully aware that the more i procrastinate sorting out my issues, the more danger there is that i'll damage my relationships with those i care about if any of this internal pressure leaks out at the wrong time. which then becomes yet another fear to add to the pile of stuff i'm not equipped to deal with right now

idk. i was about to instinctively say "i'm fine tho" and that's very clearly a lie, but like. i WILL continue to manage at least. i'm not in any physical danger from myself or others, nothing is gonna happen to me, you don't have to worry about anything like that. i'm just overwhelmed and exhausted, and i don't have any good outlets for talking about this shit anymore besides just dumping it on friends at random, which feels shitty and i would really prefer not to make a habit of it. i just feel like i'm waiting for some kinda stroke of good fortune to come along and perk me up and give me enough of a jolt of extra energy to start doing things differently, kinda like last year when i suddenly stumbled into getting my transition stuff started and then THAT gave me enough confidence and excitement to seek out an ADHD diagnosis a couple months later. just something to break me out of this routine temporarily and help me feel unburdened enough that i can do SOMETHING, y'know?

but in the meantime i feel like i just need to like. signal in some way that i am Really Going Through It, if only to counter my own instinctive efforts to always maintain this illusion of perfect functionality and never cause any problems or allow anyone to worry about me or be annoyed by me ever. professionalism be damned, i make art for a living, i do not have the luxury of separating my job from my self-expression and trying to pretend everything's going smoothly in terms of work will always kinda inherently come at the cost of trying to convince myself it's going smoothly in my personal life too. to some extent i suppose MOST people don't - the shit that affects you at home is gonna affect you at your office job too, sooner or later - but in my case the false wall of work-life balance is like a two-way mirror, because drawing is also my most treasured hobby and lifelong source of comfort, and any outward-facing concept of professionalism i construct only exists for my audience. there's no fooling myself with this stuff, it's all i have and all i do and the only difference is that sometimes people pay me for it so it becomes "work", but not the kind i get to clock out of at 5pm on weekdays. if i'm going to talk about what i'm going through and be open about my feelings at all and encourage people to see me as a living breathing person, it inherently is going to make me look like i'm also complaining about my job, because my job is to make art and my art (paid or not) conveys a part of who i am. i cannot present myself as brand-safe and a human being at the same time, at least not without driving myself (more) insane

anyways this isn't an essay or anything, i don't have a conclusion? thank you for being here i guess. i feel like i'm at least breathing like 5% easier after getting all that rambling out of me, so that's something at least? i will now go buckle down and try to finish my remaining art obligations and then hopefully when that's done i will make a responsible choice and wait long enough before piling more work onto myself to just like. breathe for a sec and seriously consider if there's perhaps a better way to be doing what i'm doing so it does not make me crumble into dust. and also maybe pick like ONE life-shattering realization or crisis to poke at a little bit, if i feel up to it. hey btw did you know this whole post was originally going to just be a very short one where i half-jokingly reflected on the possibility that i might actually be autistic, but then started thinking way too much about why my brain refuses to latch onto that thought and keeps pushing it aside with a big stick labeled "who cares, i'm tired" and this post happened instead. yeah. anyways that's the most recent small addition to The Pile in case you were curious, yippee

[russeliarat]

Im constantly putting out LU headcanons when I'm stupid tired at like 2am, so have a couple for funsies:

Four has seizures sometimes. The dissociative kind but also the kind that is epileptic because his brain needs to reset. Yes this is borne from people saying portals throw bricks at him in fics. I imagine that a lot of powerful magic overwhelming the brain can be a seizure trigger in the world of LoZ, as per the logic of seizures.

I also think Four's 4'4 (132cm) and does have proportionate dwarfism. Like it's specifically a random genetic mutation thing though, not a 'Minish Cap adventure kept him shrunk' thing.

Hyrule's fully fae to me. Idk I just think it's more interesting, especially if you go off of what fae are like in European folklore. The idea of a fae choosing to live like a hylian after thousands of years of witnessing how humanoid creatures live. Like they're natural shapeshifters idk, as long as their magic is powerful enough, they can become anything.

Hyrule's appearance comes from finding Legend's disguise ring after Legend died and Hyrule deciding to take on the appearance when he shape-shifts. Probably the start of getting his sisters to use masculine descriptors and pronouns for him.

People have suspicions that Hyrule is fae-inclined, touched by the fae, or straight up is a fae based on his behaviour but no one's got anything concrete and it's mostly based on their personal knowledge of fae and their era's perceptions of the fae. And Hyrule definitely has gotten them all to introduce themselves to him as Link so going by fae rules, Hyrule could basically claim ownership and power over them. He just doesn't coz he doesn't want to (yet.)

We all know Legend is a soggy bastard but he's the 'I miss my wife tails' gay edition sort of soggy. That prob made no sense icl but those who get it, get it.

Sky's got an undiagnosed form of narcolepsy. It severely got in the way of his studies in Skyloft but he barely managed to pass it off enough that it didn't raise alarm bells (coz he was trying not to raise alarm bells in his own brain). It gets worse during the course of this new adventure because he's going through so many extreme emotions and doing so much physical activity that he's exhausting himself into sleep attacks constantly. Yes the chain are worried, yes Sky is deep in denial that anything is wrong with him. Good ol' hiding your issues Link over here.

Legend is Fable's twin. He just got passed between caretakers a lot (whole lot of being given to his uncle and then being forced by the king (his grandfather) to pass Lege back to them and so on), but he remained quite attached to his sister. A telepathic link helps. The two calm each other down and lot and they take care of each other. The two are quite similar - stern, far too wise for their years with too much experience under their belts, and very very traumatised so they hide it behind a face of pure disdain.

My Zeldas are all topsy-turvy so Aurora is AoL Zelda and Dawn is LoZ 1 Zelda. Hyrule's got an amiable friendship with Dawn but his affections lie with Aurora. She's kinda insane and let herself break a shit ton of fae rules because girl is mad in love with that boy.

Athena (yes Athena fits her so much better than Artemis guys pls I've been saying this for years) is like a big sister to Time and Wind, and she has a dependable colleague-like-but-also-kinda-dependant relationship with Warriors. It's weird, she helped raise Mask and Tune in the war where she could so it stemmed from that. She also knows Twi but only in Wolfie form. Yes chat, HW really fucks up everything but you gotta roll with it, he was in the game and yes I do believe Athena met him in the game.

I've posted in the past about my hc that Legend's transformation into a rabbit leaves his skeletal and muscular structures very weak and it causes him to go limp for a short amount of time coz his body is running on fumes. Yeah so combined with his time in Holodrum as a traveling performer/acrobat, he's just insanely hypermobile and flexible, and he can basically dislocate every bones in his body that connects to a joint. Including his spine/neck he found out one day to terrifying news when he just couldn't move at all when he hit his back wrong. He can obviously relocate them too (his back he maybe needs more assistance with), but it really freaks people out.

One more coz you've gotten more than I thought I'd type. I'm spreading the Four is buff as shit propaganda. At least his upper body anyway. He's a trained blacksmith, he's gotta have a lot of strength in his arms to hammer away at melting metal all day. (Plus gotta give him some kind of advantage, that boy got the short (ha) end of the stick in life and got nerfed to all hell and back)

[llemon-soda]

give me something to believe

[non-un-topo]

More cishet observations from the past month at work:

- They really fucking buzz off of the TERF wizard book series

- Their favourite place on Earth is Florida (why???)

- If you tell them you're an artist, they will ask you if you've ever "tried out AI"

- They will joke about OCD a lot

- They absolutely hate their bodies and will take any opportunity to talk about food in a toxic way (bonus points if they compare their body/food to yours)

- They hate their spouses and think that this is funny

- They. Do not. Have interests. (Besides the TERF wizard book series)

- They don't watch movies or TV??

- If they have kids, the way they talk about them makes it sound like it was genuinely the worst decision they ever made

- If they don't have kids, they will still fucking talk about having them

- They don't like cats??

In other weird news, I'm gendered correctly at work and I pass to the point that cishets actually talk to me like I'm a cishet guy.

[deoidesign]

.

[tearlessrain]

seriously can catastrophes stop happening for five minutes my brain is already fried from the ones we're already experiencing

[armentas]

Valentines with my OCs!

explanations (in order of appearance):

Celio: murderer

Finn: doctor

Charity: is a missing person

Milo: makes money by stealing and pickpocketing

Skip: arsonist + arc is about reviving old relationships

Beau: almost died in a car accident

Heather: very lonely + very codependent

[itspileofgoodthings]

adult wins, adult anxieties and fears and frozenness.

[huginsmemory]

Where's that one Ford art post thats like I'm in the best years of my life clutching a hot pink thermos thingy with hot gurl juice when he's clearly not. cause damn . Yeah

[lleclercism]

every race weekend ferrari is like "yeah we use this race as a learning experience so we don't make the same mistake again" and then next week happens and they have 9 new and different learning experiences

[ozymoron]

reading posts that come across my dash and sitting for a minute to debate with my mental disorder if not reblogging this will mean a hell portal will open beneath my feet and i will suffer for eternity for my lack of action or if its all good and i can just scroll on by (its usually the hell portal thing)

[eyepatchdate]

time displacement is great :D

Oh! Thank you so much! I do want to go back to it someday but that's not on my docket atm. It is near and dear to my heart though.

[orcelito]

Despite all odds, I have arrived home safely👍

Turns out that the earlier goop was the better goop. The adderall goop. The adderall has worn off now though. So I am. Very incredibly out of it.

But I am home. And I will take my quick shower. And then I will climb into bed.

I do need to eat. But... later...

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[the-voldsoy]

"'cause you dont get thick skin without getting burnt"

i hate that we have to 'get burned' i hate that after all this time we still have to go through things ourselves and get harmed to learn i hate that there isnt just a solution that we can tell people so they dont have to go through the pain we did but there isnt there just isnt there isnt some "meaning to life" there isnt an answer that can solve it all

but, then again, i think a lot could be solved if we accept that. if we realise that we're searching for something that doesnt exist, that we dont have a reason to live so we just gotta enjoy ourselves !!

i think people hold up the idea of a "meaning to life" too high. they make it seem like a thing that can actually be found and spend all their time, all their life looking for it. and then it all comes crashing down when they realise it just doesnt exist. (tbf, i was guilty of this when i was depressed the first time).

i hate the saying, but you do only live once. you gotta enjoy it! fuck capitalism and all that, forcing us into jobs to survive. fuck the past generations for destroying this world with no care for the future generations -- for us. fuck the people in the world that think this is all ok, that we can just sit back and let this all happen.

but we cant do anything about those people. we just gotta keep moving.

so enjoy the life you have! you only get one! you can do whatever the fuck you want, so long as it doesnt harm anyone (including yourself)!

so enjoy the things you can do. wear that thing that looks terrible, but you like how it feels. buy a soft toy even though you think people will judge you because youre not a kid. paint all weekend. do the bare minimum for you job that only pays you the bare minimum, or the school that barely knows you exist. learn what you want; instruments, languages, art, the details of long dead civilisations, hell its never too late to even learn why exactly the sky is blue.

i dont know where i was going with this tbh i just listened to The Hype by Twenty One Pilots for the first time in a while and had feelings

[fruitsofhell]

Last reblog has me thinkin a lot about Kirby remakes. You have Kirby’s Adventure and NiD where the artstyle is so glaringly different between the two it’s like you have to choose a side. And from what I’ve seen the fandom tends to (intelligently) show favoritism towards the original NES look. 

Then you have KSS and KSSU, the base of the last post, and I find the differences between the games to be slight yet substantial. Maybe I’m just blind and all 16-bit games look the same to me, but I couldn’t even tell the sprites were different the first time I played KSSU, but after actually playing KSS I could really feel the difference. The original has a much harsher and more gritty style, that I think a lot of people feel hasn’t aged well, but atleast I still think has tons of merit. For certain characters who need that darker or more expressive touch like Meta Knight and Marx I find the old sprites more flattering in a way. And I think the garishness of the pre-rendered backgrounds SHINES in Meta Knight’s Revenge because that sort of gross clash against the usual style is heightened for a mode about Meta invading with his war ship and foreign ideals.

But that actually brought me to our latest remake in RTDL DX. And like there is nothing really WRONG with the new style, it just makes me miss the wii game. The wii game looked basic in a really charming and balanced way that I think is lost in how bright and cell shaded the new game is. The worst sin being scenes that are meant to have more dynamic lighting - like inside Magolor’s ship or in the final cutscene as Another Dimension crumbles - where the more cartoony style just doesn’t gel. But like honestly, if it weren’t for very on the nose divisive stuff like Dedede’s redesign and the character outlines, it would be very hard to make a case for the merit of the original. Just cause to the average person in every sense of the world the new game looks like an upgrade graphically - Shinier, higher detail models, fancy new animations, and the ritz.

I hope over time people do come to really appreciate the wii version’s merit in it’s simplicity, mainly cause it’s another big comfort Kirby game so any change to it made in the remake rubs me the wrong way lmao. But also I do think it has some outside of my uber personal opinions.