#idk if it’s placebo or something but I already see a difference!

[happyheidi]

I recently mentioned in an ask how I once, on another blog, posted ads to things that I didn’t necessarily like and how I stopped doing it. But that was a company that came to me, this is me reaching out to the company. I didn’t receive the brush for free, I bought it. And I loved it so much so I wanted to see if I could give you all a good deal (and make a cute coin doing it).

as some of you know I used to weigh 136 kilos (300 pounds) and lost around 55 kilos (122 pounds) in just about 3 years (nutrition is key on that btw) This has made me have to take lots of vitamins, B12, supplements etc cus when you lose that much weight at that speed, your hair (++) gets the brunt of it, in other words, my hair has thinned out like a A LOT and I lose a huge amount of it on a daily basis.

So when I saw this brush I thought… what do I have to lose? I already used this little scalp massage thing (but that was not good for my scalp at all. Suddenly I was Allison on the Breakfast Club making it snow on her drawing (iykyk)

And Oh My God, I’m so happy with it!!

So much so that I reached out to them to see if they did any advertising on tumblr and if I could give you a deal , and full transparency, here’s the text messages.

I never ever do this but I seriously feel like this is working and if ur like me and struggle with hair loss/wants thicker hair/wants a lovely scalp massage, this is for you!

Use this link for 10% of

Get thicker, fuller hair - lol this sounds like a 90s commercial - and help ur girl out while doing it!

But in all seriousness, I am IN LOVE with this brush! It has a built in 10 min timer also. It’s wash day tomorrow so I’m gonna go fill my brush up with oil (a sentence I never thought I would say)

This is the first ever ad I’ve had on this blog and that should say something. I absolutely love it! It’s so calming!!! And if it doesn’t work for you they have a money back guarantee. So what do you have to loose? 😃 the link works site wide ;)

Again, here’s the link for 10% of

[fayesia]

Okay DONT JUGDE ME PLEASE but I have an idea for mike schmidt. Okay so basically she(y/n) gets these new meds for the two of them it was basically like had idk what it's called but sm that makes them horny af and yk what happens next and also they r just friends when this happens. U can fill in the details with whatever.

a/n: Ahh no trust me i’m not one to judge people ever about what they’re into and stuff like that, obviously it’s different when i’m asked to write about smtg i’m uncomfortable with or if it’s illegal, but nonetheless here it is, i apologise in advanced as i did rush to get it posted but ye enjoy!! 😭

warning: most of my replies to requests i get don’t include warnings but please keep in mind before reading that this will contain ⚠️drugs, taking of drugs, irresponsible drug use!!⚠️ other than that it’s just the usual smut stuff :)

“come on you’re not gonna pussy out on me now are you?” you jab at Mike knowing he was the one boasting about the drug being a placebo that wouldn’t work.

“of course i won’t since i know it doesn’t even work. whoever sold it to you just got a free 30 dollars.” he looks down at you kneeling in front of the living room table slicing the pill in two. You were told by the seller that it was a hormone enhancing pill that was basically just stronger weed, so you were being cautious about how much you both took.

“ok fine hurry up give it here” sitting down next to you, Mike grabs one half swallowing it down in one go, you do the same. After 15 minutes neither of you feel anything.

“see i told you, it’s a fucking scam”

“no no we must’ve not taken it right, come on one more chance pleaseeee” you whine looking at him with your hands clasped together.

“fine. only cause your my best friend” “mike..i’m your only friend but ok”

Taking out two more pills you grab a cup using the base to crush them into a fine powder, with your credit card you finely crush it and seperate the pile of white powder into two even lines. Meanwhile Mike neatly rolls up a dollar bill leaning forward to snort up one line, handing the note over, you sniff up the powder feeling a sharp sting in your nose leaning back against the couch to relax and let everything settle.

First there was nothing and suddenly so much was happening all at once. In two minutes you and Mike had gone from sitting beside each other dazed as ever to feeling heat all over your body. The sensation causing you both to remove layers of clothing to avoid any effects of what felt like heatstroke. “god what the fuck is happening y/n?” you hear Mike say as he removes his clothing leaving him in a pair of black boxers, “idk mikey everything’s so hot and suffocating” you respond back stripping down to just your bra and denim shorts.

You feel the heat rising especially at your core, the denim shorts getting increasingly more uncomfortable once you’ve soaked through your underwear. Raising your head you notice Mike sitting with a pillow on his lap, “Mike…is that what i think it is?” Before he can reply you’ve already removed the pillow, the sudden movement of his body attempting to hide his raging hard on shocks you as you fall on top of him. His arms support you pulling you on top of his lap as you straddle his thighs. Not even caring at this moment, you grind your pussy against his thigh the rough denim rubbing against your clit as more liquid gushes from your pussy. A dark spot forms on your shorts as Mikes hands grab your hips to push you down harder. He abruptly stops,unbuttoning your shorts and pulling them down, he flips you over on the couch so your legs hang off the edge while your back lays on the seats. Kneeling down between your legs he spreads your thighs apart, fingers digging into the soft squishy flesh.

“fucking soaked aren’t you”

“please do something please”

“say it i wanna hear you”

“please touch my pussy”

His nose brushes across your clit through the thin material of your thong as his fingers rub you you’re getting increasingly wet. He quickly rips at the flimsy strings leaving you bare to him, your folds glisten with your wetness as you feel it dripping down. His fingers enter your mouth as you suck on them like you would a lollipop, tracing down past your hardened nipples and to your clit. The first few seconds after contact has you writhing around on the couch, things only getting more intense once you feel Mikes mouth on you. His tongue explores every crevice, caressing your delicate folds and spreading your juices all over. He spits on your clit watching it drip down before collecting it with his index and middle fingers, entering your tight hole and watching it stretch. you moan at the intrusion finally being filled by something, his two fingers feeling like three of your own. You’re so close to coming, his fingertips rubs harder and harder against the soft sensitive spot inside of you, until he removes them. your eyes shoot open widening even more once Mike flips you over onto your front holding both your hands above your head, you’re barely able to turn your head due to the position of your shoulders. The tip of his cock is pulsing and red as it rubs between your folds, poking at your sensitive clit.

The gentle movements lulling you into a further daze, however that’s quick to end once his dick starts easing into your pussy. It’s a tight fit and you weren’t sure about how much would fit but Mike just said “gonna stretch you til’ we fucking make it fit”, his words have you moaning into the couch, spit dribbling from the side of your mouth the more that he enters. His cock is about three quarters in and you’re sure you can’t take any more, that is until he starts pulling out and pushing back in.

Finally he’s all the way in and you’re pulsing around him, your channel trying to fit around the girth of him.

“ok i think it’s fine, you can move”

his thrust start picking up speed, the sound of his hips smacking against your ass bounce off the walls of the room, his heavy balls slap against your clit adding to the pleasure.

“fuck mikey harder please, i’m so close omg”

He picks up the pace going faster and deeper into you, his cock pushes hard against your g-spot spurring you closer to the edge.

“baby i’m gonna cum, fill you up nice and full, fuck you everyday you want that?”

“yesyes please i need you, cum for me baby”

He continues ploughing into you, hips stuttering as he tilts his head back releasing a low guttural groan, you can feel drops of liquid releasing every time he pulls outwards. Finally a stream of Mikes cum pools inside of you, his groans grow softer the more that spurts out, your pussy clamps down on him and more of your come is leaking down his length the droplets staining the couch. Mike rolls over off of you to lay on the couch beside your panting body. The two of you are covered in a sheen of sweat, out of breathe and still coming down from the effects of the drugs you both took. After a few minutes you’re both still in your underwear, Mikes head resting on your lap while you stroke his hair, the two of you thinking about having a discussion on what this would change about your friendship but with the state of high you were both in that topic was for another time.

“well now that we’ve proven it works what do we do now?” Mike asks looking back up at you.

Reaching over to grab something off the table you simply smirk and wave a small clear packet containing two pills, identical to the ones just taken around and hour and a half ago.

~unedited~

[the-indigo-symphony]

Uh, hi. Really odd timing but I'm a different anon to the last one lol

I was wondering how you guys discovered you were plural? Referring to myself with us/we pronouns and just as plural happens subconsciously often and I sometimes find myself as different "personas" with different preferences, names, and slight memory weirdness. But I can't tell if that's plurality or something else going on. Or maybe I've just completely placebo effected myself. Cause the personas feel like different people but also me and I've never been able to like, talk to them.

Idk, been trying to figure it out recently and you told the previous anon that they might benefit from seeing if they're already plural so I was wondering. How do you actually do that?

That's a great question! It wasn't one single moment for us, but rather a series of discoveries spread out across our system, so the answer of "how did [we] discover [we're] plural" is actually a number of different things. That said, the story we usually tell – since it's what led to us being semi-openly plural – involves the Gift Basket, one of our sidesystems. To make a long story short, one of our headmates discovered that there was something odd about the way "he" acted sometimes, like someone else was just pretending to be him, and he suspected he might be part of a system. He began to reach out to this possible other headmate by flinging thoughts out into the void of our brain with the intention of talking to whoever was there, because it was the best idea he had on how to establish internal communication. Thankfully, the other headmate in question received the thought-speak, and the two began to talk. Over time, they connected with other headmates, too, and established a small internal network before talking with other systems and exploring online plural spaces, learning more ways to communicate and finding motivation to keep practicing. Those efforts allowed us to grow into the system we are today.

What you describe does sound a lot like plurality. I listed a few suggestions for figuring out if you're plural in my previous ask post, so I'm going to explain them in more detail.

See how calling yourself plural feels. Does it feel right? Would it explain things that other words don't? If you described yourself with other explanations or terms, would it feel like you're missing something? Try calling yourself plural for a few days and seeing how you feel. You don't have to do anything special, just go about your days under the suspicion that you're plural and see if anything changes or stands out to you. Does anything you previously brushed off now make (more) sense if you explain it as a plural thing?

Keep track of shifts in your identity and preferences. Essentially, a basic form of switch tracking. Every so often, ask yourself a short list of questions about who you are and what you like. What are your pronouns? What's your favorite food? What's your favorite color? What do you think of X? Etcetera, etcetera. If patterns emerge, such as always thinking ice cream is the best food ever while using she/her pronouns and your favorite color is yellow, it's likely that these are headmates and not just personas.

Practice talking to any headmates you might have. If you feel like anyone might be there, try flinging thoughts out at them! Or try assigning each persona a symbol or something and try holding conversations in a notebook you have. If it feels awkward, that's okay – it often feels strange to reach out to others in your head for the first few times. Since you seem to be having some trouble with internal communication, maybe try out external communication for now, like journaling or recording videos where you talk to any possible headmates you have. And remember, it's not necessary to be able to hear your headmates or speak with them internally to be a system.

Again, what you describe sounds a lot like plurality. But I'm not going to say anything for certain, since I think that's something you have to decide – or find out – for yourself. I hope this provided a good starting point for that. If you have the time, I'd also recommend going through the masterpost I mentioned in my last answer post; while aimed mainly at tulpamancers, some of the resources in there may help you, too.

[youremyheaven]

helloooo hope im not bothering you but do you have any natural remedies for anxiety? i figured you would know because you really do seem to have experience with things like this

methods that preferably don’t involve ingesting anything because sometimes when it’s really bad my gag reflex kicks up with everything i put in my mouth 😓😓 for context ive been properly diagnosed with an anxiety disorder but i remember there was a three week period as a child where i was effectively mute because anxiety and i couldn’t make eye contact or everything and now whenever i get a panic attack i think of that muteness and panic even more because i cannot risk losing my voice again at this big age 😭😭 must be something with the sky and planets or it could be my third house saturn making itself known again

- mother anon (also so proud of you for your new boyfriend!! who would’ve thought? (i did. i knew the very moment you first mentioned him.) but also like how did the confession and entrance into the relationship happen?? from fwbs to lovers is so 🤞🤞 cute but how does a conversation like that even happen and go ANDDD the fact that you previously mentioned your type to me in response to an ask and now this guys seems perfectly like that? okay go manifesting queen i see you 🤭)

selective mutism is something i struggled with as a child so i know how bad it can get and how awful it feels!!!

yoga and meditation is what helps me with anxiety. also camomile tea, peppermint tea, green tea etc helps calm you down. ik a lot of people think its hogwash to drink tea to help with symptoms BUT I PROMISE YOU ITS NOT, these are crushed plant bits and these plants have actual medicinal properties!!! this is NOT placebo!!! its the OG natural remedy!!

throat chakra cleansing mudras and asanas could help u. when i was at the peak of my panic attack-y anxiety episodes, i would lie face down on my yoga mat and just stay there until i felt better (sometimes this would take hours). my therapist at the time told me to submerge my feet in ice cold water because it makes the nerves chill out (literally) and that helped too. running or walking could also help you. chanting really helped me and thats also what my therapist recommended.

JSJDHHDHHFHF u guys being proud of me for getting a man is so funny 🤣🤣like its not an achievement but tbh it does kinda feel like one hehe 🥺bc my pookie is a good man

firsttttt of all, we weren't fwb 😭he had asked me out before and i had said no 😭 (this was a few months ago) and then we started hanging out (one on one) (in July) and one night after i hadn't seen him for like a week (because he had gone to a different city for work) i felt feral for him (i was also ovulating) and although i had no intentions as such for the two of us, I started touching him and coming onto him and he just 😊was clueless until I started kissing him and told him I want him inside me lmaooo. so tbh, we were kindaa??? dating?? (going out and spending time with a person, holding hands, cuddling etc) i think its after i became intimate with him that i realised how much i liked him lmaooo and then i wondered about where this was going etc and i asked him and we were on the same page (we both reallyyyy like each other and want to be together).

idk about other people but he wasnt someone who went from friend to fckbuddy to boyfriend. he was a guy in my social circle who had asked me out and made his intentions with me veryyy clear from the get go. I had friendzoned him 😬and despite never having friendly intentions 😈he was always respectful and never tried to cross the line. (he's a Jupiter influenced man after all hehe<3)

it wasnt an overnight switch,, it was always romantic from his end. i didnt realise how gentlemanly and chivalrous he was until i started hanging out with him (by the time we had become intimate, i had already gone out with him 4 -5 times) and he's just sooo manlyyyy and mature,, its so hot to me. so for me, it took more time to see him that way??? so even tho i said i had sex with a friend, we were technically dating at that point lol,, it wasnt a random "hey meet me, i want to bang u tonight" situation

he does fit my type to a TEE hehe <333 i hope i manifest everything else in life this way<333 like everytime im with him, im just like??? did i write this man into existence?? bc wtf ??? 🧿🪬🧿🪬🧿🪬🧿🪬🧿🪬🧿🪬🧿🪬🧿🪬🧿🪬🧿🪬🧿🪬🧿🪬🧿🪬🧿🪬🧿🪬

[clouds-of-wings]

Last year I got diagnosed with heightened insulin resistance. Not diabetes level, but higher than it should be. One of the consequences I took was to drastically decrease my sugar intake. Which, BY THE WAY, was already below average for my country. Not that my doctor would believe me. Anyway.

Some observations, since what actually happened is so different from what articles on the internet will tell you:

Starting in November was a bad idea. It went well until Christmas. Starting again in March was more successful. Sorry for posting this now lol. Not keeping this in my drafts until spring.

You get used to less sugar over time. Sweet things start to taste more sweet. Things easily taste too sweet.

Eventually sugar isn't as desirable anymore as it was. I started noticing this after about 5 months, so it took a while. It's not like YouTubers claim "Oh my life changed within a month, I feel so different!" I think that's probably a placebo effect tbh, but maybe their metabolisms adapt more quickly? Idk. I feel like I make more of a conscious decision if I want to eat something sweet now, because my brain doesn't have the "OMG YES HAPPINESS IN THE FORM OF A COOKIE!! YOU SHOULD TAKE IT!" response anymore but rather an "It's an option" response.

Having one day a week where you're allowed candy helps. I make a little ritual out of it and look forward to it.

In practice I usually eat candy 2 days a week. In July it was down to 3 days a week, so maybe I'll reach "1 day a week" eventually.

I have also started mixing whole-grain rice (expensive! Whole grain long grain is a bit cheaper than whole-grain basmati though) into my usual rice and baking bread with somewhat darker flour (type 550 instead of 405 ). It tastes and looks literally the same, but apparently it's better for you.

I do kinda "have more energy", as advertised. I get more done and feel less foggy mentally. Also, my blood sugar feels more stable. When I can't get food at my usual time, it's not as big a deal as it used to be, but I don't really know if that's because of the sugar thing or due to something else.

I obviously haven't lost any weight lol, because only lucky people whose genetics and hormones make "thin" their default state think it's that easy. My skin also doesn't look better. Really I have noticed no cosmetic effect at all.

I have to pee less often at night, often not at all

My migraines are rarer than they used to be, but again, it's hard to tell if the sugar was the reason. A lot of things have changed over the last 1 1/2 years, and the migraine frequency started going down before my sugar intake did. But things have also improved markedly over the past half year, especially the last 2 months. I think this is the biggest benefit I have noticed.

I haven't been back for another blood test so far, so I don't know yet if this was effective in the first place. But at least it should be good for my teeth and for anti-cancer protection, right?

The general tl;dr is that it did change some things when I started eating less sugar, but the change was slow and non-dramatic. It didn't all become completely different after a few weeks. But now, after half a year, I look back and see that it has probably improved my life to eat less sugar.

[whoslaurapalmer]

ooooooo it's time for a lulu makes her way through therapy update 🪅

- yesterday was psychiatrist day and my brother had to drive me which was very thrilling for all involved, because the psychiatrist was initially my brother's and has known my brother since he was a teenager and saw us both in the waiting room and got so excited and went '!!!!!! is this a switch?? am I seeing both of you??? Or are you here just for the purposes of transportation' and I said HE'S JUST TRANSPORTATION TODAY

- what's nice about him is that even if he was the one who prescribed the prozac he doesn't push me on it at ALL. EVERYONE keeps saying 'why wont you take it?' and He's like, 'no lulu, you don't have to. It's okay if it's just there. Quite frankly. I don't know if you need it right now?' Which was very nice!! because I've been doing very well lately!!!!! not super focused if at all on my breathing or anxiety or panic!!!!!! And it's nice to hear SOMEONE ELSE say 'you sound like you're doing really good!!' but also acknowledge that that doesn't mean the end of talking to people about my problems or not trying to do different things!!

- it's so fucking stupid every damn time when most of my problems are in fact solved by drinking more water. that's what I really focused on this month. And trying to eat a good amount. And trying to be more like. It sounds so STUPID to say mindful but that's what it is!! When I start to panic I started saying hello to everything in the room. and myself more frequently in mirrors. I get so stuck in my head and can't get out of it and give anxiety and panic so much weight that trying to refocus outside of me helped a lot. I also started a gratitude app and I do it twice a day and that's nice too!!!! For really appreciating little things about my town and my house and the things I interact with and the people I know. It's helpful to make myself notice more about where I always am and that's not bad.

- BUT MEANWHILE so I told him, I am trying to placebo effect myself.

- my psychiatrist: ..........explain 🤔

- so I wanted to take SOMETHING for my anxiety. But I cannot do side effects. But I figured, the brain can be tricked and rerouted, right?? because it's silly like that!!! so I just have to reroute it a specific way!! And I can PRETEND I'm taking something for anxiety!! so I was looking for something that like. Idk, would 1) look like a pill 2) be something that I could take like a pill but also WHENEVER, whenever I was anxious too. I tried to do it with like things I already take, like sinus stuff and vitamins, but I might switch sinus meds again depending on how this month's ENT goes, and I figured it'd be better to have something that I registered as SPECIFICALLY for anxiety, and not multiple things.

- I picked altoids!!!!! I really wanted a mint bc mint is distracting on its own being so potent. I let them dissolve under my tongue for maximum vibes and so the mint experience lasts as long as possible. I have one in the morning and one in the afternoon at vaguely the same time and started out thinking each time 'I'm taking this to help with my anxiety' and within a few weeks my brain morphed it into 'don't forget to take your anxiety medication :) ' which we both found FASCINATING.

-I don't know if it IS helping??? Especially bc at the same time i DID up the eating and water. But it is a Thing!!!! and I like it a lot!!!!!! So maybe it is helping too!!!!!!

- my psychiatrist: we should tell altoids. they're missing out on a marketing angle. anyway this is very exciting! The placebo effect is so intriguing.

[wildweirdly]

Long ramble about random life stuff

On the weekends I usually go visit my girlfriend but she has a test on Monday so we decided to skip seeing each other so she could focus on studying. Fortunately I’m in a better place than I used to be so I haven’t been feeling lost or abandoned because of it but I do feel a level of displacement.

I tried reaching out to my crush but they’re busy, so idk what I’ll be doing for the remainder of my weekend. Overall I’d like to force myself to do chores but I get so anxious about cleaning when other people are around so idk. On top of that my energy is low cause I messed up my blood sugar with dinner. Trying to remedy it with coffee and hard cider currently.

On the positive side my boyfriend is off tomorrow as well so we’ll have the whole day together. The hard part is gonna be avoiding the urge to go out and spend money (I made a few mistakes so I’m flat broke till the 11th lmao) :X

So far I’ve had both my girlfriend and a coworker of mine offer to let me borrow money but I worry I’d just spend it on food I should be avoiding so I’m trying to just live through the brokenness with what I have. Besides, it’s my own doing that ended me up here so I want to take responsibility for that.

I’ve also been doing some reading today so maybe that’s a thing I can do in my down time now. Through some observations my coworker made I sorta re-realized that I’ve been doing the self detrimental people pleasing thing at work and so I’ve been taking time to do some reading/“research” on the fawn trauma response and how it relates to some of the problems I’ve been dealing with.

Also aforementioned crush recommend a couple of things to read and I managed to check one of them out before my mind ADHD-ed the information into the void. So far it’s been interesting but I haven’t gotten very far. I’m hoping that reading it might be able to lead me to a some sort of dialogue or something, idk.

Both my crush and my girlfriend are literary driven with interest in psychology and philosophy and I’d like to feel like I’m on more even ground with them. Currently I don’t know much on either besides the fuzzy memories of bits and pieces I learned in high school which isn’t very useful. Besides that I like feeling smart and lately I’ve felt like an idiot so maybe reading something “bigger” will allow me to ease up on myself.

The cider I’m drinking tonight is disgusting but I’m thankful I have it. I hate to say it but I sometimes feel like alcohol helps level my anxiety. Could just be a placebo though, I dunno. I try to be cautious cause my liver is already a little broken (thanks diabetes!) and my family has a history of alcohol issues so if I drink I limit myself to one a night (unless I go out, cause when I do I allow myself two).

Honestly I’m surprised how well I’m doing given that I’m off two out of my three psych meds. I never really planned on abruptly stopping but my psychiatrist has been ignoring my request for a refill on my anxiety meds and so it snowballed. If I have to be real about it there’s been some tension between my girlfriend’s anti-med views and my own reliance on them so it’s hard not to worry part of me is doing this to please her or “prove” myself in some way. But on the other hand my antipsychotics were fucking up my blood sugar in ways I’m still trying to recover from and I don’t feel different without them so I guess it’s a net gain. Why really shocks me is how normal I’m able to feel without my anxiety meds. I had some idea that they weren’t working properly for me and my psychiatrist seemed unwilling to look into alternatives so it also feels like it’s pointless to be on them, Yano? Like if they aren’t gonna do anything I really don’t see merit in taking them. The other one I’m on is an antidepressant and I have no intention of trying to alter that cause it genuinely helps me so yeah.

I’ll probably write another thing tonight but we’ll see.

[daydream-believin]

Flowers Have Feelings

summary: it's valentines and you're making some gifts for your good pal douxie,,, also confessing

warnings: swearing probably, no proofread cause tired

word count: 2659

a/n: i've been struggling with writers block. i guess. i've returned to this only to write like, a paragraph so many times. which is bad cause like cheese designed the bouqeut and this should have been done ages ago. idk idk bon appetit

tags: @yagirlcheesely, is for you

image below: sketch of the bouquet

You jumped out of bed and slammed your alarm. Today was the day. You had to get everything ready today. Tonight would be the presentation. The night you finally do it. The night you confessed to your closest friend and crush, Douxie. Also happened to be Valentine’s day.

Your friends may have told you: “Just be patient. Drop hints. If he likes you, he’ll let you know.” But you weren’t about that passive love life. You liked to grab that strawberry cow by the horns. Subtly was boring and took far too long. You were in love with your friend and you were gonna let him know frankly if it killed you. It probably would, to be honest.

As confident as this makes you sound, you were aware of the possibility of him not liking you back, and that was okay. Sure, your heart would be shattered and you might not be very peachy for, say, a month or six, but you accepted that. At first, you had resigned yourself to just adoring him secretly. But you quickly grew impatient with that. What were you afraid of, really? Him letting you down gently, and ushering you two into an era of awkwardness? Okay so maybe that was worth considering. But not really. You wouldn’t let it come to that. Even if he did turn you down, you weren’t about to let that fact taint your friendship like that. You two were very close, and Douxie wasn’t the kind of guy to suddenly treat you differently after such a thing. Just a few weeks of awkwardness at most before all was forgotten (on his end at least). Only a problem for you. But, boy, it would be really, really nice, and not awkward, if he reciprocated.

You and Douxie were thick as thieves. There wasn’t a thing you hadn’t told each other. Not a secret between a pair of buddies as close as you. Oh, one thing, you know. The fact that you had caught feelings, that was definitely something you had kept secret from him. As eager as you were to do so, you couldn’t just drop a bombshell like that at any old time. That’s why you chose today of all days to confess; a little extra luck from St. Valentine. A little magic to give you a boost, placebo or not. This was going to happen. This was going to work.

You strapped on your helmet, safety first, before heading out on your bike. You cleared your schedule for the day cause you weren’t really sure if everything would work out or not. You could have everything done and ended wrapped up neatly in a few hours, or you could have a complete disaster on your hands, which could take up all your time. Time you would happily give, since you were determined for everything to be perfect. It was also nice to know you didn’t have to come in to work later,, lest you spend the whole night, crying your eyes out. You shuddered at the possibility. You were gonna stop thinking about that now. Yeah, only confidence now.

You may be a teensy bit sleep deprived. Only a teensy bit. You chugged a monster this morning, you’ll be fine. It wasn’t your fault you were up all night researching flower language. There were so many flowers, and those flowers had so many feelings. Eventually though, you managed to settle on a bouquet of roses, daisies, and dandelions. Fern leaves for greenery too. Greenery was important for flower arrangements. It tied the whole thing together. While it wouldn’t be the most on theme color scheme, the yellows, whites, reds, and greens, would mix together prettily. You definitely didn’t have to go as far as this, and you were banking on the fact that Douxie even knew flower language, but it was sweet, it was romantic. And you were going to be romantic about this, dammit.

Daisies, for friendship. It was really important that you communicate just how much you valued Douxie’s friendship and how nothing would change between you two if he were to not return your feelings. Red, red roses, classic romance. There was a reason the blooms were so strongly associated with the valentines holiday itself; no one sees a red rose and thinks of anything other than love and romance. A clear message to your beloved. And well, the dandelions? Cheery, beautiful, resilient, common weeds, never to be approved of, finding the strength to bloom despite assholes like Merlin’s best efforts. Dandelions were Douxie’s favorite flower.

Too bad the florist didn’t even consider them to be anything but said common weed. You had included them in your order when you called it in and you could hear the florist laugh, but muffled as if he put his hand over the receiver, before returning to the phone to inform you that you would have to add them yourself. Pretty rude, if you say so. No matter, hand-picked dandelions would be romantic, anyways. Even if no one else knew about it but you.

You placed the bouquet neatly into the basket of your bike. You’d pick the dandelions to complete it later, right before the big confession, in order to keep them fresh. But as of now, the bouquet peaked out of your basket, the floral fragrance wafting up to your face as you made your way to the next store.

Last week, you had seen such an adorable little box of chocolates. It had chocolates shaped like little skulls, flowers, and ghost cats, and the box had a silly pun about death. Goth chocolate, def. It would have been perfect for the edgy wizard in your life, but alas, it was way too fucking expensive. Like obscenely expensive. But no matter, you’d just steal the idea. How hard could making chocolate be anyway?

You left the grocery store with your haul safe in your skull-patterned reusable shopping bag. Wizard-chic and eco-friendly, it was your favorite bag. The contents of the much-loved bag? Melting chocolates, a jar of marmalade, a jar of raspberry jam, a jar of strawberry jam, and a new roll of wax paper, since you were out. Now you weren’t as ambitious as to make your own jam here. This was a failsafe. There are only so many ways to ruin chocolates if you did not make the chocolate nor the filling yourself. Now just a quick run in the stationary shop on your way home for a cute box, and you were all ready to start your chocolatier career.

 * * *

Douxie was getting antsy. Not many patrons had paid a visit to his bookstore this afternoon. Which was strange for valentine’s. and it left him with nothing but his thoughts to entertain his anxious mind. Doux had a lot to worry about. His band had a gig in a new town, so he wasn’t sure how they would be received. He was waiting on a shipment of books that was supposed to show up days ago. It may have gotten lost. That Lake kid was getting himself into more and more trouble these days and it was starting to become hard to help out without overstepping his vaguely imposed bounds. But most of all, at the very moment, he was worried about you.

You had asked him to meet up for dinner tonight. Okay, pretty normal for a Sunday night. Not that the weekend meant anything to either of you, but you normally set aside Sunday for dinner hangout. So nothing to abnormal. But then. Then, you said, something… Douxie actually can’t recall what you said, per se, just that it was along the lines of “we need to talk.” And that your tone sounded nervous. He did not like that one bit, nope nope. He had spent a great part of the day just revisiting every interaction the two of you had had in the last month or so, desperate to figure out if he did something wrong. But he was coming up blank, for all his efforts. Across the room, the clock ticked on. It would be closing time soon enough, and then he’d no longer have to wonder just what he did wrong, as you would be there to tell him directly. Fuzzbuckets, he couldn’t wait.

* * *

You wiped the goopy chocolate off of your cheek with the back of your hand. So far this wasn’t a total disaster. You had at least seven chocolate skulls filled and drying in the molds. The white chocolate seemed to have melted smoother than the regular chocolate? The regular chocolate ones looked kind of lumpy. You hoped they came out of the molds okay. Not to mention the ones you already messed up. A little mountain of chocolate pieces and jam had started rising from your table top corner.

It had been lots of fun at the start. melting the chocolates with a double boil, planning out which molds would be which flavors. But actually filling those molds? A messy, messy ordeal. You had chocolate and jam all over your kitchen, up to your exposed elbows, and even a little in your hair. But that was okay. You’d clean the kitchen later. With the molds in the freezer to set, your priority now was cleaning yourself up rather than the kitchen.

And you cleaned up nice, if you did say so yourself. You got the chocolate out of your hair, and had on a fresh outfit, taking a little time to put effort into your style. You looked snazzy, but not too fancy. You needed to stay casual. Something that you hoped would make Douxie be like ‘wow they look pretty okay’ but not freak him out with formality. Yeah. This was good.

Your watch beeped. Okay, you needed to get out of here, no more dilly dallying. You pulled the candies you made out of the freezer. Moment of truth. Thank the stars, all of the chocolates came out of the molds smoothly without breaking. You arranged them in the cute circular box you set up earlier and folded the tissue paper over them. They all fit in perfectly. The cheesy valentine card, the most important part, didn’t quite fit on top of the candies, you’d have to put it with the bouquet. You slid the lid onto the box and fastened a bow around it with a blue ribbon. Maybe this was a bit overkill, but Douxie knew how to appreciate the dramatic. He’d love it, you were sure.

Last but not least, you headed to the greenspace across the street from your apartment for the final ingredient in your Douxie wooing, dandelions. You were lucky that the empty lot had recently bloomed an entire garden’s worth of the yellow things. The chilly breeze mussed up your newly-fixed hair as you danced about gathering the tiny flowers, adding to the bouquet until you felt like it was enough. Which took longer than you had hoped. You definitely could have kept adding in more dandelions but your watch beeped once again and you had no choice but to make peace with the level of yellow and book it to the bookstore where you and Douxie were supposed to meet before heading out for the night.

* * *

Hearing the ding of the door chime, Douxie turned around to kindly inform the customer who came in that he wasn’t open, but the words caught in his throat when he was met with your smile. There you were, standing in the shop with a box in one hand and flowers in the other. You looked cute. Really cute. But Douxie chased that thought away. He fumbled with the book he had been re-shelving. It fell out of his hand unceremoniously, landing with a thud.

“Hey,” Doux managed to get out. “What’s all-”

“These are for you!” you shoved the presents into his now empty hands. That courage you had earlier? Gone. Your resolve? Dissolving as we speak. You had to get this over with before you chickened out. He was just so good, okay. And why did you think this was a good idea. Douxie looked down at the gifts in his hands confused, before blushing. If he could have reached a hand behind his head and rubbed the back of his neck he would have.

“I didn’t know we were doing Valentine’s, uh. I feel bad I didn’t get you anything.”

“Oh! Don’t be. I just,, felt like doing something nice for you and uh, special,” Douxie tilted his head. You took the box, freeing up his hand. “These are chocolates I made, like, like you’re supposed to do.” You waltzed over to the counter to place them out of the way. “The bouquet is the real star here, uh, I picked them out very carefully.” You tucked your arms behind your back. “I, uh- I brushed up on flower language, and I hope I got it right.”

Now Douxie may have been a Victorian once upon a time but he had barely any surviving memory of the frilly flower language people socialized through in those days. But thankfully, the blooms in the bouquet in front of him were straight forward enough that he did in fact get the message without taking too much gear turning in that noggin of his. Although, the friendly daisies with the red roses were kind of sending him some mixed signals. He knew what he wanted them to mean, but he could just be misinterpreting. You seemed to notice his hesitation.

“Um, there’s a card too. In the flowers somewhere. That. Probably explains what I’m trying to say a little clearer.” You carded your fingers through your hair. You had anticipated not being able to really speak with your voice, as you barely could now, so you’d written it all out on the card as backup. But damn, that card had everything on it. You maybe got a little carried away. There wasn’t going to be any going back from this.

Douxie dug out the card from amidst the blooms. It was handmade, with a cheesy little drawing on the front complete with a pun. And then he opened it. It was almost solid black with ink. Yeah, you had written that much in there. Both sides. And a little on the back. Wow. Doux tried his best to keep up a poker face while reading it but failed quickly as the first few lines alone left him flushed. It was true, everything was on it. From how much you adored Douxie as a person, to how much you valued his friendship, to how pretty you thought he was, to how you longed for something more, with him? Douxie felt like his hands were getting the card all sweaty.

It was nerve wracking watching him read that card. It seemed like he was finished, since his eyes stopped raking through it, but now he was staring intensely at the words written on the pages, in a trance. He broke focus, looking to the bouquet, back to the card, and then finally settled on you.

“Wow.”

“… is that a good wow?”

Douxie caught you by surprise. He pulled into a hug. “Yeah, a good wow.”

You and Douxie’s first non-platonic hug? Yes please. You didn’t even mind the flowers pressing into your back. Okay so a few rose thorns were poking you but that was fine. Douxie smelled like something you couldn’t name, but it was spicy, and cozy. He let you go sooner than you were ready to, but he grinned at you as he left to rummage through his things in the back for a vase. He turned to you as he proudly displayed them on the store’s counter, right where he could look at them all workday,

“So, where are we going tonight? For our first date?” Doux chuckled, “and, technically, our first Valentine’s day too.”

[ellanainthetardis]

Ok this has nothing to do with thg but do you have any tips for anxiety ?

I have personal tricks that I use when it gets bad. I don’t have medication but depending how bad it gets for you that’s something you might want to talk to your doctor about. Personally I have plant stuff (idk how worldwide it is, it’s called euphytose here and it’s a mix of valeriane and other calming plants) I take that before I go to sleep, it’s not sleeping pills but it helps relax my body and get deeper sleep. It can also be used if you’re feeling anxious. Also for better sleep sometimes I take verbena tea before bed.

I also have homeopathic things for when it reaaaally gets bad and I need to calm myself down right the f now. I have gelsenium and ignatia amara. I don’t know how actually effective it is but for me the placebo thing works anyway. If I take something and tell myself it will help it does. That’s more for panic inducing situations or if I feel like I’m really about to panic in a public situation though.

For everyday anxiety… there are so many kinds xD

One thing I struggle with and that really gets me anxious is sensory overload. When it’s really noisy for instance or there’s one noise that’s really irking me for no good reason. When that happens I usually put my earphones on and put some music until it’s all I hear. As a trick I usually put music on the moment I walk out of my house and keep it until I reach my destination. It’s also a good way to isolate yourself if you’re with people but you need quiet. That doesn’t work for everyone though. For me it’s all about focusing on one sense so maybe it works better for you to focus on something in your head or to stare at something calming… when I have nail polish on and my thumb nail is smooth I find it soothing to run my forefinger on it. It’s discreet and it’s helping. Sometimes if I have time I will just go read or play a video game or write… lose myself into something else basically.

For me one of the most insidious form of anxiety is exposure to people. Sometimes the more I’m with people in social situation the more it rubs on me (even if I’m enjoying it at the time). There is only a limited amount of socializing I can take. When I feel I’m reaching the limit I usually make sure I get some time alone. I need to be able to have my bubble and some me time or I will get anxious which will make me grumpy and snarky. It’s good to have a place you feel safe and comfortable in. Even if it’s like a corner of your bedroom. Build yourself a comfort place.

And then again there’s the whole real paralyzing anxiety when you’ve got to do something for the first time and you’re panicking and it’s not logical but you’re panicking anyway and it’s real and frightening. In that case I usually give myself the time to panic. I find that I usually feel better once I’ve cried and let myself go through the panic because then I can rationalize and realize it will likely be fine.

If you’re anxious in a panic attack kind of way there are different tricks like breathing exercices or you can count. I like counting. Also you can try to name things you see to appropriate your surroundings.

As a rule my own anxiety spikes with the unknown or if something sudden happens and I’m not ready for it. I can handle it but I know it will trigger my anxiety. I tend to stick to routines. I find security in the predictability of it but I’m not sure how healthy it is because sometimes it’s hard to break it so it’s a bit of a bad circle. Let’s say I can handle it but I prefer my routine. Doing things around the same time every day in the same order. Doing some things always the same way.

So yep. It really depends on what kind of anxiety you mean. It can stem from so many places and there are so many different kind…

EDIT also if I’m going to be in a new situation I’ve never been in or if I have to go to some new place and it’s important I do research or I will go there before to scoot the way or the place so it’s already familiar.

[stray-tori]

TPN S02E05 - Initial Thoughts (anime-only)

the reaction video: Google Drive

.

. Blue friend!

That i didn’t immediately catch that they were two different groups was kind of embarrassing asuhjd- they do be surveilling. They clearly already tailed them, but idk why they didn't just show up at their hideout --- I guess that would have been too undramatic.

It was kind of obvious towards the end and I felt like they could have made it a little more dynamic. I don’t need still shots. Make them attack and the mask comes off after he also speaks or... idk, so many still frames; masks hiding any emotional reaction (though I do like the whole taking off mask reveal in theory); and then also the kind of.... EH reaction I’m just... idk, I expected more somehow but I can’t exactly pinpoint what I wanted differently.

(This whole thing kind of goes back to my initial theory way back after s1 how Norman might try to infiltrate the system as a demon and then have to pretend to not be their ally in front of them and have to pull through with something, or some tragic shit like that. Or one of them trying to kill him, but he can’t say anything and then they realize when the cover comes off --- yeah VERY BAD, I’m glad that’s not what’s happening.)

I’m assuming the tidbit about farms being raided “recently” means he’s not been out for that long (at least not longer than a few months) so that’d explain why it wasn’t brought up with Isabella.

I also don’t think anything happened when he was removed from GF - but between Norman’s surprised expression when entering the gate room and him being here now, I don’t think he was shipped out for food (unless the high quality ones don’t get flower’ed right away and instead only at their “eater” --- since that’d at least give the support duration for someone to rescue him or him to do something about his situation).

So I’m very curious to hear about that whole story and I have a small bit of hope that the recap episode will be framed as Norman talking about s1 from his perspective and then also transitioning over into what happened while they were apart either in next episode or the episode after that. Don’t think we need a recap either way, but OH WELL, I hope there’ll be SOME framing to it at least.

edit: I thought episode 6 would be a recap, but it’s 5.5 and likely due to production issues so forget my rant here, I’m fine with the recap. I’m not fine with staff being overworked but oh well that’s a whole different dilemma.

They got so much to do and so few episodes AHHH

I wonder if there’s any meaning-parallel to be drawn between the old demon having a walking stick and Norman also having a walking stick??? idk it just felt odd to me-- Norman why are you old.

Though gotta also appreciate that anime really went opposite manga approach here, he didn't age AT ALL duisjsd. still babey. (edit: I didn’t know about his “inbetween” design as much and seeing them side by side it’s actually pretty accurate so yayyy. he babey anyway though)

what did that one guy out of Norman's group do when he leaned down to presumably Don I'm confusion

Norman, surrounding his friends: "lets ominously walk up to them"

.

. The demons' form

I didn’t post it I think but I actually made a “you are what you eat” joke in my ep3 post but discarded it because Sonju and Mujika look completely fine despite never having had any humans and I thought that’d throw a wrench in my thought.... and it still does so... that’s really interesting.

It also seems as if him saying “The world won’t change” is kind of..... like a prophecy sort of thing? It could just mean the massive class divide of course, but maybe if all the demons were well fed with humans, they’d achieve greater things? Since when you’re dying you’re kind of not in the condition to do anything, and if eating their body parts makes the demons adapt; is the implication that eating their brains makes demons smarter? if so that's a pretty literal parallel to the lower classes of society being robbed the chance to do something great by sheer circumstance. they're just actually dumber bc they don't get provided the materials to be smart

Honestly I’m a bit confused and not sure what it means, i can think of:

once a demon has ever eaten a human, they have to continue doing so

eating singular body parts makes them generate on you and you need “higher quality” humans to counter-act it. Would explain why Mujika and Sonju aren’t affected, since they don’t eat humans at all. Would also be an allegory for a healthy/balanced diet I GUESS but I don’t think it seems very plausible? it just seems kind of random.

They’re descendants from different demons and Sonju&Mujika simply don’t need to eat humans to maintain their form.

I also brought up that maybe it’s faith related / a placebo? But that seems even more forced.

I also don’t know if the implication is that they need ANY food, but then why are there hands on them?? So I do think it’s that it’s humans specifically that are either the problem or the solution. But since the bigger demons don’t seem to be affected AND the higher ups also not, I doubt it’s what causes the problems, unless it somehow is the whole balanced / “have to KEEP doing it” angle.

Also the demon scene in the ruins was so interesting, I really liked how it was so somber and kind of just... quiet. Emma, our queen, emphasizing once again.

I wonder if the demon realized it secretly or not... he seemed kinda overall nice and reasonable so I wouldn’t be super surprised if he noticed and just didn’t really care...

.

. The timeline

GF kids have been escaped for 1 year, they were a month at the bunker, so they’ve been out and about for another ~11 months.

Anna says nothing happened in the past 6 months; what else happened to them? just that they hid somewhere and had to flee again?

Is that also where they got their new clothes? i fail to see why they couldn’t just get them at the bunker, would make a bit more sense imo- but oh well.

farms keep being attacked recently and stealing children. it was def not our group, Norman's group potentially? They seem to be pretty badass, so that’s probably not unlikely.

Alternatively, it could be an overarching even bigger group that also rescued Norman, I think.

.

. Other things I liked

the scene of Emma being kind of lost was... pretty good, seeing our sunshine kind of doubt herself (understandably so after not making progress for an entire year) is pretty impactful. But i also feel like she’d try even harder to hide it in front of the others. but also why are you talking to a wall, are you mentally okay, probably not--- 

LOVED the nice subtle reveal to show how they mask their scent in the Lani and Thoma scene when they wanted to go with them

shot of the apple rolling and the screen turning over but head-down was cool!!

Emma and ray flinching when the demon's hand reaches out to Lani and Thoma

That convo between Lani and Thoma and how the older ones always give them the food and pretend to eat I'M EMOTIONAL

also their costumes are so colorful :sparkles: it’s such a big switch from their usual outfits-

.

. Other things I didn’t like

i'm not even a rayemma shipper and I still wanted Ray to do more than say a few lines and WALK AWAY?? ray what ya doin-

[Lani and Thoma] also literally why did you let them come. This season does really depend on someone fucking up and it’s kind of annoyingggggg :) Though in this case it isn’t that much their fault, they just stood around.

also why Norman only say “Emma” pls kill me. I was so happy that (very light manga spoiler) ...... Ray and Emma were both there for the reveal but fuck, the anime just straight up didn't care about Ray being there anyway :V

they better gife me a good trio hug to make up for this next (... uh... next-next TvT) episode

I do agree he’s back too soon but..... I kind of can’t hate them, with the whole 1 season to wrap it up chaos. Anime industry bad.

Well at least I’m excited and didn’t hate it. I’m somehow a little empty-headed but it was a good episode, and the surrounding anxiety probably just makes me a little iffy.... Hope the recap episode next week will have some merit and otherwise, see ya in two weeks.

[i-write-shakespeare-not-disney]

Director’s Commentary- Forever//It’s You, y’know...THAT scene.

you already know :)

"Can I ask you something?" Keith whispered. Lance nodded, closing his eyes. "What made you change your mind about marriage? You'd said that after Allura-"

“I don’t know. There was just… this day when you kissed me three times in a row when you came home. And how they all felt like they meant something different. The fact that I knew that, that I could feel that. Okay I’m not gonna lie I’d rediscovered Paper Rings by Taylor Swift and that’s where this concept came from. Also because it reminded me that my abuelitos used to give each other double kisses when my abuelito came home, like it was their Thing. So I wanted to add that here, and I wanted it to be a small moment that made Lance go ‘you know what, yeah... I could do forever with him. I want to give him a ring.’ The way our routine works and it doesn’t feel boring, it just… feels like home.” He smiled and shrugged. “But I know we have that with or without a paper that says we’re married. What’s it matter?”

“I want to know what you’re thinking,” Keith said, pulling him back in with a slow spin so Lance’s back was pressed against his chest, their arms crossed together. “Because it isn’t just a paper is it?” KEITH ALREADY KNOWS THE ANSWER HEREEEEEE. Like. He’s known Lance’s thought processes for a long time by now. He just wants the build up like a dramatic ass little shit. 

Lance sighed. “No. It’s never been a piece of paper.” Keith rested his chin on Lance’s shoulder. “It’s a vow. It’s devotion. And I know the world doesn’t need to know, but there’s something beautiful about being able to profess all of it in front of friends and family. Especially us. Not only can a boy give another boy flowers- he can give him a ring.” I didn’t wanna perpetuate the idea that marriage is necessary for forever or that it’s the end goal. Couple can be and are happy without it. But I mean, they’re both romantics. Lance does have a relationship with the church that has been mending. So to me it made sense that marriage was on the table. I just had to be sure the reasoning made sense for them as individuals, and it wasn’t this broad ‘i just wanna get married because it means forever’ kind of thing. I also felt that the “not only can a boy give another boy flowers, he can give him a ring” line really tied it all together nicely considering the coming out scene, the repeated motif of flowers, and the final poem in the last chapter. Lance smiled and tilted his head toward Keith’s, squeezing his hands. “And I personally like the idea of telling God, ‘Look. I’m giving myself over to the person you placed in my life.’” The song ended, and melded into another. Lance shook his head and laughed softly. “We should go inside. We have work tomorrow.” Lance kissed his cheek and let go of his hands. At this point, Lance was getting sad again and he didn’t want to end his anniversary on a sour note. So he was like let’s just go inside and forget the whole thing. 

Before he could take more than five steps, he heard Keith say, “Does that mean you’ll say yes?”

LISTEN. I HAVE HAD THIS PLANNED. SINCE. LIKE. Idk, like since they first talked about marriage and had an argument. I acted this whole thing out. This has been up my sleeve for so long down to the “Does that mean you’ll say yes?” Though it is hard to put cross that sense of shock you get when you turn around and see someone down on one knee... so i did the best I could. 

“Wha- Oh my God. What are you doing?” The sight of Keith down on one knee, holding out a ring between his fingers, made Lance feel like ice water had been dunked on him. His stomach flipped and twisted, and his entire body suddenly felt unsteady as he stepped back towards him. “Keith, what are you- No, mi vida, you don’t need to do this! You said-”

“I know what I said. But it was all bullshit,” Keith said in a single breath, looking up at him with a desperate look in his eyes. “I’ve been wanting to give you a ring for a long time…. Because of everything you said and so much more.” I really wanted it to be clear that Keith wasn’t proposing out of guilt or this idea of like “i mean he wants marriage and I’m willing to give that to him.” I wanted it to be “I want marriage just as badly as he does.” 

Lance shook his head as tears blurred his vision. “Keith….”

“Lance-” Keith let out a shaky breath. “I thought I was one of those people who just had to live life without falling in love. I’d told myself I made peace with that. Wi-with never having someone stay. Never having the same person next to me in the morning. But you came into my life and you proved me wrong a-and you showed me… you showed me so many more parts of love I didn’t even know I’d be missing out on.” Tears began to fall down Keith’s cheeks, I just love crying Keith because that’s when you kow he’s being vulnerable yknow? and Lance fell to his knees in front of him, unable to believe this was real. “All my life, nothing was stable. I jumped around homes, and it took me so long to trust the family I have now and by then I had to make my own life. I got my heart broken enough that I never thought it would feel whole again. But it does. With you. You’re my stability. Heh. You see what I did there? You have been my constant. From the best days to the worst days, you stay and we figure it out and….” Keith’s free hand touched Lance’s cheek, wiping away the tears. “I want to give you forever. And I want to promise you forever in front of everyone we know. And I want Thanksgivings inside your mami’s house, and I want to think about a future where we can have kids, Anyone else remember when Keith straight up panicked at the concept of a family when Lance threw that comment at him lmfao and I want to see those rings on our fingers telling the rest of the world that we found our forever.” This paragraph managed to flow out of me because I’d just written pieces of Placebo Effect (Keith’s prequel) so I was still in the headspace of him being used and hurt and guarded and closed off. And seeing the change while I was writing this and how he is with Lance and Shiro now was so lovely to me and I felt that Keith would be aware of it too. That he’d gone from someone with nothing, with everyone leaving or unable to trust to someone who loved with his whole heart and had permanence and believed in good things again. And while not all of that stemmed from Lance directly, his relationship with Lance did have an effect on these other factors (ie his parents in Lovesick) 

“Oh my God. Oh my God,” Lance leaned into him, holding him tightly, letting his words wash over him. “Are you serious?”

“I am. I want to marry you. I want it all with you.” Keith pulled back and held out the ring in the palm of his hand. It was a thick silver band with a line of small diamonds around the middle. An infinity sign was engraved around two of the diamonds. I’m surprised that the most analytical readers didn’t pick up on what I dropped here, but no worries the dose from Keith’s pov will show. Also something I had planned WAYYYYY back. “Will you marry me, pretty boy?”

[after-lauhgter]

Hey dude, I really like your music taste so do all the music questions that you didn't already answer 🌚

OK DUDE HERE THEY COME (except 1,6 & 14) ... ok lets do number 1 again  What's a song you've been listening to a lot lately? as the world caves in by Matt Maltese, if I get high by nothing but thieves, and literally anything off waterparks’ new live album, that thing makes me feel so ALIVE bc like LIVE MUSIC  Is there an album you recently discovered and are obsessed with it now? well waterparks live in the uk obviously but if the last 6 months count as recently, then the new abnormal by the strokes. its... absolutely breathtaking. I don't have words. 0 words. except these dudes know what the fuck they’re doing. and then I found the devil and god are raging inside me by brand new and jeeesus. literally Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ was my most played song in 2020 AS IT SHOULD BE bc its EVERYTHING this album is THE SHIT. every song is just *chef kiss* like there's limousine (omg limousine) and you won't know and not the sun and AHH listen to these albums omg  Put your playlist on shuffle and show the first 10 songs. No cheating. i assume “your playlist” means all my saved songs so Topography by Civilian (pls go listen its SO great) Na Na Na by mcr yees issa classic  Du schreibst Geschichte by Madsen omg geeerman  just saying by EDEN (pretty pretty pretty) Westerland von den Ärzten another classic  letdown by nothing,nowhere. sad but the good kind of sad  The Man by the killers making fun of toxic masculinity gives me LIFE  Graffiti by CHVRCHES YES  and death stranding by CHVRCHES too YES SO GOOD simmer by Hayley Williams, a queen  How do you tend to discover new music? If you do at all of course I do enjoy what Spotify suggests, like my weekly mix brought a lot of bops in the past, although sometimes it just sucks lets be real. I also like the artist- or album-radio, when I wanna find something similar to an album but not the album.  and another thing I lovvve is when artists I like recommend music, for example, have you seen dallon weekes instagram stories? THE TASTE? bc yes, someone who writes music like that MUST have a superior taste in music and he fucking does. 

What app do you mostly use to listen to music? Spotify :) Is there an artist that you feel ashamed of listening too? I can't think of anyone so probably not  What is your favorite album cover art? omg. I have to go with more than one. so there's where the mind wants to go/where you let it go by I the mighty, one of my favorite albums of all time, and I'm going to say it how it is, I LIKE THE COLORS. the blue-ish imagine with the red omg. look at it pls.  Also fandom by waterparks looks SO COOL. again the COLORS  and I love the art for Isola by Kent.  I recently discovered you wouldn't believe what privilege costs by civilian and I think that cover is pretty cool too.  well and then there's petals for armor by Hayley Williams, the cover art is so fucking powerful Jesus I get goosebumps just thinking about it. in case you don't know about it, long story short: there's been a lot of shit going on in Hayleys life in the past. relatable imo. then they made after laughter and its been like u know what fuck it we’ll just laugh and dance through the pain. together. and I LOVED the vibe omg it gave me so much. but for Hayley it kinda postponed REALLY dealing with shit. she came home from touring with AL and she also got divorced during the AL era and everything's shit and out of all that came petals for armor. and in it she reclaims femininity, being alone, being powerful, being a women, everything. and ah yeah we were talking about the cover art, the cover is her, having a line of squares on her face, three of these squares are tattooed on her fingers though bc its where her ex husbands initials used to be that she got covered up. WHAT A MOVE. THE POWER.  (if anyone is interested in hearing Hayley talking about/explaining all this, I really recommend watching her interview with zane Lowe. its SO GOOD basically free therapy) How much did your parents influence your music taste? a. lot. my dad listened to a lot of “dad rock” you may call it, I guess a lot of dads listened to stuff similar to this. Deep Purple, the police, simple minds, Green Day, Billy Talent, the scorpions and things like that. what influenced me the most tho was the beatsteaks (german band, very good), die Ärzte (german band, very good) and LAST BUT NOT LEAST the fricking blues brothers. my favorite movie (not the 2000 remake, go watch that in hell where it belongs), a great, charismatic band, unbelievable live performances. very big WOW from me.  Do you own any vinyl? don't get me started omg. I DO. I wish I could take a photo but my records are at my parents house so ill just name my favorites.  -after laughter and brand new eyes by paramore -violent things by the brobecks and their song boring on 7inch (this is very rare ok) -razzzzmatazzz by idkhow in gold :) -may death never stop you by mcr (my first one, I bought it first and then bought a record player for it, that's how it started lol) -omg the black parade is dead by mcr, this was never available on vinyl until record store day 2019 (?) and I hunted that bitch like idek what it was insane but I found a super cute small record store and the owner didn't have copies of it bc NOBODY DID but he fucking CALLED THE LABEL even though it was way too late and he asked if they'd send him a copy and THEY DID I FUCKING OWE THIS MAN  -and omg Isola by Kent (in Swedish tho bc the English version was never pressed on vinyl) this was intense. I searched for like 2 weeks and then, on google results page 8 or something, I found what could've been the only copy on the damn internet and it was very expensive but its MINE NOW -my signed vertigo vinyl by EDEN, its clear and on side D it doesn't have music but a little message engraved it the vinyl IT IS CUTe -Placebos MTV unplugged! I am so I love with this album. SO. in love. and one day, when I was in Berlin to see palaye royale, back when we had concerts, I walked by a random record store and they have like 4 records left bc they were closing or idk and the only one displayed in the window was this one. tell me about FATE  Do you own any cds? not many. sometimes when im at the store and I see ones I know or like, I just buy them and put them in me moms car bc I want her to listen to them. or when I find a cd by a smaller artist I enjoy, I buy it just to push the nachfrage. HI i am HERE and I WANT this music  Is vinyl really better than listening on a digital device? im not gonna be that middle aged white male audiophile that hates on our generation for using Spotify. bc its great. I think its just different. I mean im sorry I don't carry my record player on the bus with me, pls forgive me for using my phone? having immediate access to most of the music that is out there? wow. what a concept. I love the internet. YES TECHNOLOGY. but. vinyls are... different. I feel likes its a different kind of listening. I feel like youre rly LISTENING. and that way isn't better, or right, and im not saying it works like this for everyone. but when I put a record on, my only activity at that moment is listening to music, I sit down and I listen. to the entire album. so skips and no pauses, bc that's how it works. and I think that sometimes, that can do a lot for you. if you let it.  and besides that, physically owning a record makes me happy on a level nothing else really does. fuck I love music so much and when I fall in love with it, I fall hard. and then owning a copy of it, something I can touch, something that is MINE, putting it in my little shelf, looking at it every few days and just being in love? fantastic feeling.  What is a genre of music that you tend to go to for comfort? sad shit. I feel like I can get great comfort from the sad shit. or maybe just slow shit. and songs that mean a lot to me and have been around me for some time, they have this other level of comfort. like for Emma, forever ago by bon iver for example. I have a playlist, maybe I'll reblog this again and link it ;) Do you tend to like poppy upbeat songs, or more intricate and interesting songs? both. sometimes I wanna have complicated stuff and analyze the shit out of lyrics and instrumentation, sometimes I just wanna v i b e If you have a favorite band or artist, tell us about how you got into them I liked paramore before but when they posted the video of them performing last hope at reading? it was over. when Hayley sang the bridge it was over. now im a die hard fan and I never looked back Is there a song that came out this year that you like? maybe after reading all this shit you expected a list but somehow I can't. where do u even start. but the answer is definitely yes.  THANK YOU FOR REQUESTING I COULD GO ON FOR DAYS 

[kinetic-elaboration]

July 16: Star Trek 1x06 Mudd’s Women

Mudd’s Women today. I don’t really think fondly of this ep when I’m not watching it, not because it’s not good, but because it’s less focused on the Enterprise, like the really important part of the story is about characters who only appear here, so it doesn’t stand out as much. Also Mudd is really annoying. Also almost every ep of S1 is a Classic so anything that isn’t, like 11/10 seems just “okay” by comparison.

So the Enterprise is just chasing a suspicious vessel because why not. Actually kind of speaks to that theory that esp. the pre-5 year mission purpose of the ship is to be like the Coast Guard, to patrol. I guess they still do that. Hey--that looks suspicious!

“No registration beams.” No license plate lol.

Kirk is so good-hearted. Doesn’t hesitate to put his own ship in potential danger to save some random people he doesn’t know, because of course, he can’t let this situation he exacerbated, as part of his job, become worse. Plus, like, curiosity I’m sure.

Uhura in gold today.

Always get a kick out of anyone on the bridge doing the job of anyone else on the bridge and Kirk just taking Spock’s station gives me Emotions.

Mudd like “I couldn’t be sure you were a friendly vessel, so I ran” like okay, the ship literally says “U.S.S. Enterprise” on it in big letters, it’s not ambiguous.

Early example of McCoy hating transporters.

Literally can’t believe this ship has batteries.

Honestly, they’re not that hot guys, keep it in your pants.

“How many did we get off?” / “Oh, two, maybe three depending on how Spock’s feeling rn.”

McCoy is such a slut omg.

The one in blue is literally just wearing a shirt.

“You’re part Vulcanian.” Honestly, Mudd seems to understand the whole concept of Vulcans better than McCoy does (”This type can turn himself off from any emotion.”).

“I apologize for what he said, Sir.” Oh, Evie, so empathetic. Spock’s not even upset. He’s having a grand time. Can’t wait to see what the Captain will think of the hot ladies! (Answer: he thinks they’re the crew.)

Honestly, I do think Spock was into them a little. It’s pretty ambiguous, Mudd’s comment aside, just how much of a kick he got out of them. He comes very close to smiling a lot, though.

“You’re a hard-nosed one, Captain.” Damn right.

Defense attorney Spock.

Man, I love Sulu.

I’m only noticing it on this rewatch but Spock has a lot of engineering knowledge, I feel? He’s the Science Officer but engineering is honestly the most specific skill set he exercises.

The way Kirk says, “Well, Mr. Spock?” is so flirty. They even give the dramatic, flirty lighting.

Honestly, I can’t believe the Enterprise canonically runs on crystals.

I love the computer. Nurse Chapel’s voice. The squiggly green line. Constantly irritating Mudd. Though also tbh very disturbing from a privacy point of view. I mean in a way it’s not, like, a lie detector, it’s not determining Mudd is lying by anything about him, it’s just comparing his words to public records, but still.

Convicted of driving without a license.

Computer: the male members of the crew are horny.

Kirk: strike the horniness from the record.

I really expected the computer to say “incorrect” when Mudd says, “Heaven’s honest truth.”

That look Kirk shares with Spock though. It’s not super obvious they’re looking at each other, but they are.

Spock with his hands on his hips. Underrated stance, should have had more of that in AOS.

Honestly, this plotline is yet another vehicle for the sort of story Beyond was allegedly interested in telling lol.

“Are you wearing something radioactive?”

This lady in green isn’t very smart but I love McCoy in this scene. His horniness fighting with his realization that uh this is weird?

“Don’t mind me, Captain, I was just lying on your bed for no reason.” “Uh, actually I do mind???”

Kirk is a paragon of virtue though!

I like Evie a lot. She’s the best part of this ep. Really going after Kirk in his vulnerable spot with that talk of loneliness. I do get the impression she legit liked him (as much as she could in uh 2 days) but I don’t think he had much of an interest in her, other than in the same way as everyone else reacting to the hotness drug. And even that he controlled pretty well.

Those original husbands are going to be pissed.

Good Kirk and McCoy scene. “They’re not smart enough to be aliens.” And Kirk doesn’t even pull the “I’m the Captain, answer my question” thing, he’s literally like, “I asked you first.”

I like that McCoy gets that they’re just “acting beautiful.” Actually in retrospect this is probably where Kirk get his placebo idea.

“Ships captains are already married--to their vessels.”

Lol they look exactly the same without the drugs, just with their hair disheveled and their makeup gone.

Love that the pill’s in the form of a sparkly heart.

Spock likes the look of the crystals. That decadent bitch. Idk if people generally thinkk of Vulcans as austere but they are not, like aesthetically--only emotionally. He just likes pretty things, and it’s canon.

Whereas Kirk’s like “I literally don’t give af that we made some crystals less sparkly, we saved some people’s lives.”

Mmmm, I enjoy negotiator!Kirk. Even though he’s in such a bad spot. That poor, sad little face.

Mudd’s earring loooool.

“Expect further difficulty from the miners.”

I love the mining aesthetic/world building/almost 50s sci fi feel.

I love that Kirk just went out into the storm after Eve. Even if he didn’t find her... but then this isn’t their love story, huh.

“I didn’t get any. I should have found a way!”

I’m too tired for real, like, analysis, but I like Evie and Ben.

She’s not even ugly, like........... I know I just have to take it as reality that the Venus drug makes them hot and I’m willing to just suspend disbelief that there’s some quality there that isn’t literal, that can’t be seen, but I cannot suspend disbelief that this very pretty woman is “homely” or “ugly” when she takes off her makeup.

Sub-space radio marriage.

Kirk is so smart with his placebo experiment.

I’m not like a super fan of the ultimate explanation of the Venus drug though--that it gives you “more of what you are.” Too... essentialist and playing into gender stereotypes personally. Like a lot of the Message of this ep I can get behind, but then it takes a few weird missteps that are almost certainly a product of the time in which it was made (like a less extreme version of The Enemy Within). Also, the little like shoehorned “You just gotta believe in yourself!” message was weird. It didn’t really seem to fit with the point.

The really interesting and thoughtful parts of this episode are smushed too much into the end. There’s just a lot going on: what is the nature of marriage, what are the confines of gender roles, what is the purpose of beauty, what are the intersections between gender and class, what are the larger economic realities at play here, how do human emotions like loneliness interplay with class and gender--and man the drug itself!! Is it manipulation? Is it lying? Are the real and/or biggest victims of the drug the women themselves--is it a danger to them? (I’d say yes, and, it appears to be.) And honestly nothing is really resolved?? Even Evie agreeing to stay with Ben apparently because she knows Kirk won’t have her (when they had one conversation and he didn’t really seem that into her anyway) is like... I get it because we always gotta shoehorn hints of romance with the lead because he’s the lead, and we have to bring everything back to the lead because he’s the lead, but I’m not interested in Evie’s thoughts on Kirk. I’m interested in her thoughts on Ben, marriage, partnership, gender roles, love.

I mean “You don’t want wives! This is what you want!” is so !!!!

Basically the ep is fine but it’s so weighted at the end, to a degree that everything that came before seems kinda... slow, in retrospect.

Honestly, Kirk’s even a little flirty with Mudd. (My mom: “The problem’s been solved, Kirk is happy and flirty.” I agree, happy and flirty is his default mode!)

"The fact that my internal arrangement differs from yours, Doctor, pleases me no end."

[lilnasxvevo]

Why does it feel like there have been almost no actual studies/clinical trials done on whether or not various herbs and supplements actually do what they’re traditionally said to do? Like I drink lavender tea and I genuinely get a lot of non-placebo benefits from it (the first time I drank it I wasn’t at all thinking about the anti-anxiety effects and I drank two or three cups and then a little while later I was like “Whoa, I feel like I took a Xanax, what’s up?” and then I figured it out), but I’m unable to find any research on whether it helps most people or what percent of people are helped by it or whether it helps at all.

I don’t know ANYTHING but my hypothesis here is that most of these herbs and stuff probably do help some people the way people say they’re supposed to help, but that, you know, everybody’s bodies are different and just like a lot of people with depression have to try a bunch of different antidepressants before they find one that works for them, not every herbal supplement or herbal tea is going to help every person in the way it claims. So then you have anecdotal evidence of people being like “I drank lavender tea and it didn’t help my anxiety, this is all bullshit” and then people who say lavender tea DID help their anxiety are dismissed as superstitious or gullible or as charlatans.

Idk!!!! Idk. I’m a big believer in this stuff lol. I literally handle my chronic illness by drinking turmeric tea because turmeric is a really good anti-inflammatory and my chronic illness is related to an inflammatory problem and basically there’s a correlation between how much inflammation is happening and how sick I feel. So I drink turmeric tea sometimes and I drink really low-sugar cranberry juice sometimes (gotta watch the sugar because sugar causes inflammation) because cranberry juice is also good as an anti-inflammatory and when I do I notice that I don’t get as sick. I’m no scientist. And if you have clinical anxiety you should definitely try a psychiatrist before you try lavender tea (I do have anxiety meds but they make me SO SLEEPY so lavender tea is for like, “I’m very anxious but I still need to function today for a few more hours”), and if you have a weird chronic illness you should see a bunch of doctors to try to figure that out. But! The average length of time it takes for people to get a diagnosis for their chronic illness is like ten years! So in the meantime I’ve had a lot blood tests to try to figure out what’s wrong with me and one of them tested immunoglobulin something or other and the doctor was like “yeah your levels of this are wacked which means you got a lot of inflammation going on, which we pretty much already knew” so alongside a lot of other things I try to treat my mystery illness by keeping down inflammation by keeping an eye on what I eat and drink.

[rockettransman]

Rocketman Watch #4 Thoughts

i have so many MORE thoughts can you believe it wow here we go

(i wrote these as i watched it so they’re in order im p sure)

man, his intro monologue during group therapy is just as gripping as it was when I first watched it. And the transition to the bitch is back is so fuckin good. My palms are sweating.

There’s some commentary about forgiving and loving your inner/past child, but I don’t have the words for it at this moment. In the beginning he’s staring down, confused and scowling at his child self, but at the end, he embraces him in a way his father and loved ones never did.

Was he in therapy/rehab WHILE touring and doing music? Stomping into the room in his regalia would have me believe so. I know group therapy was a medium for storytelling. Was it just signaling the very beginning of his story, because we go through different stages through his actions and clothing changes?

Lmao I imagine it must take some pretty cool parents to allow their, like, six or seven year old child to be in this movie. He said bitch so many times.

Took me a hot second to realize the orchestra he’s conducting is playing Rocket Man. The violins are so pretty. Imagine being picked to be in the orchestra on set and getting smile up at the tiny little kid who played Elton. My heart would absolutely swell seeing a little kid being so fantastic at this really intense job.

Kit Connor did amazing in his role. He’s fifteen and he’s already done so much! Imagine growing up knowing you played Elton John as a kid. Getting to work alongside him and his husband and the dozens of incredible actors. Wowie. I’d never shut up about it.

I LOVE how 12 year old Elton is playing the piano SO HARD and is trying to rock out as hard as he can while playing classical music. The boy wanna ROCK dammit.

HE GLANCED UP THE TINIEST BIT WHEN THE MAN ASKED IF ANYONE HAD A FAG (slang for cigarette)

SATURDAY NIGHTS ALRIGHT GIVES ME CONSTANT CHILLS FROM THE START TO FINISH

WOOOW SEVENTEEN YEAR OLD ELTON IS CUTE AS HEEELLLL. The hair, glasses, and front tooth gap fit Taron so well. Goddamn I hope I look like 17 year old Elton some day.

The choreography for this number is absolutely breathtaking. You have to get that many people all in sync! We followed Elton running through the crowd and AAHHH it was a lot! The athleticism! And they did it in the rain! Wow I’m blow away.

Elton is JAMMIN in the back of the stage. It’s really sweet to see his smile and enthusiasm and his brain thinking and working.

That guy in the back peed a LOT lmao

I was wondering where thank you for all of your loving came in.

Charlie Rowe plays Ray Williams, and he also plays LEO ROTH from Red Band Society!!! The first time I watched the movie, I KNEW him from somewhere, but I couldn’t place it and it was driving me nuts. Man. RBS was a big crutch during the worst lows of my ED. Had no idea he was English.

Love to see how shy Elton was as a teenager. It’s a hot ass mood. Also, those silk scarves? Ascots? idk but they’re a LOOK.

“One frothy coffee, no froth.”

The acquaintances-to-best-friends montage set to Border Song *chefs kiss*

Rock And Roll Madonna Is A Perfect Song Send Tweet

Lmao Elton is NOT phased at all when he gets accused of being gay. He’s just like. “Nah. I’m like. Not.” Not overly defensive and surprised, like I’m sure other people would be lmaooo

STUMBLING HOME DRUNK WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND IS A MILESTONE IN TEENAGEHOOD!!!!!!!

“You are a ssSSHHIIIITT HOT piano player—”

So delicate of Bernie the way he politely denied a kiss from him. It wasn’t weird or tense at all. Just a gentle “love you, but not that way. It’s okay” Some people may not be able to handle it that well even today.

Taron’s got nice thighs. That robe & underwear getup is a nice look.

Love love LOVE hearing him experiment with Your Song on the piano to find a melody that worked.

Honestly what the shit do these songs even mean. Bernie sometimes these words don’t make any sense. Don’t worry, they still slap. “See I’ve forgotten if they’re green or they’re blue” like what

AMOREENA IS A PERFECT SONG SEND TWEET

Doug flirting with Bernie makes me snort every time. “Oh, really? That’s.. cool.”

THE TROUBADOUR OUTFIT IS GOOD AS SHIT!!!!!!!!

“NO, BERNIE. YOU ARE UNDERREACTING.”

Taron was right. The overalls do make his ass look massive.

A week ago before this movie I was sick and fuckin TIRED of crocodile rock but now I can’t get enough of it. The movie transformed a lot of old songs I was sick of for me.

Imagine being a kind of shy, nervous kid, terrified to go on stage, but two and a half minutes later the entire venue is LOSING IT because they love the jam YOU WROTE. how cool for Elton.

I want a best friend platonic cheek kiss :(

Hmmmmm I’m wondering if they used the studio recordings that went on the album for the movie or have different movie-specific recordings. Tiny Dancer sounds a teeny bit different in the movie version.

Goddamn I sure hope Taron got to keep that jacket.

“So you liked the song, then?” “Not as much as the singer” *Elton glances away in gay panic*

LMFAO John said some weird colorful words to Elton that barely made sense and he was like OH FUCK GOTTA KISS HIM GOTTA KISS HIM

I’ve talked so much about the sex scene I don’t need to go on about it here. Go search the rocketman tag on my blog for my extensive gay thoughts about it.

Now I know glasses come OFF during sex

oh oh oh I was wondering where Hercules fell in the movie. I love how the songs he’s writing or getting notoriety for is played over the transition scenes.

Elton’s hand on his hip, knowing smirk as John enters the studio. “Hello.”

Bernie is like “HELLO are we RECORDING or are y’all gonna FUCK in the CLOSET?”

*vibrating* Honky Cat Honky Cat Honky Cat Honky Cat

Damn, the flowy white button down with the red pants really is a LOOK

The gestures, staring up at each other, leaning into each other, hands on each other’s chests, damn it makes me feel some typa way. Maybe their love WAS good and fun and exciting while they rode the high of everything before it all went so so bad.

Elton searching John’s gaze while he’s talking and looking like he’s not really paying attention, just looking for a kiss on the couch.. GOD I remember the honeymoon phase of my relationships. So much fun.

His dad going “N-Not really my thing.” That was a metaphor for his SEXUALITY TOO, huh.

Damn. He went to his dad’s to come out to him and he never even got to get to that part. He was just like “....nice shoes....” and even after all this time, didn’t show any interest in his music. If he never was into what he did, how could he even talk about being gay? I’m sure during that scene there were a lot of metaphors to sexuality but I didn’t bother to think much about them.

The eyebrow quirk after his dad says “ah—no. Could you make it out to Arthur?” DAMN Elton was like .. “really. This is what’s happening? Okay. Awesome.”

“What do you have to do to get a fucking drink around here, eh?” *cuts to Elton drinking straight from a bottle*

“Elton—” “Elton!”

John saying “don’t you ever put your hands on me” when he was the one who yanked him from the phone booth AND directly after punching him... woof man. What a shitty dude.

Damn, just noticed John talking very quietly and closely to another man right before he goes on and plays Pinball Wizard. Was this the first sign of him having fun with other men when Elton was indisposed?

Pinball Wizard is absolutely intense and loud and fun, but it DOES carry the tone of “god im SO miserable” under it all. You knew Elton wasn’t having fun.

“It is next week.” Jeezus.

LMAO I just caught the “mom, you’re ON my GOWN” when he reluctantly complies to give the Anderson’s a tour.

Damn, flowy, loose dress shirts with the first few buttons undone is a LOOOOK.

How did they do the overdose scene, you think? Surely the pills Taron took had to be like. Empty. Or placebo affect drugs? Idk. He did take a big drink directly after stuffing his mouth with them. I don’t think he spit them out.

God, there is SOMETHING symbolic about how he meets his child self at the bottom of the pool. Rock bottom? Apologizing? Wishing he could be better? Telling him he’ll never be better?

OH I watched a behind the scenes cut about the pool scene, and none of it was CGI. Taron was weighted under his robe and a SCUBA diver was on standby to provide oxygen. The singing and bubbles coming out of his mouth and stuff underwater was all real.

Dying to know about the choreography around the second chorus, about the undressing and twirling and dressing and injection and handing off of the bat and stuff. That sequence was incredible.

Bennie and the Jets. Damn. It fucks. I listened to it almost the entire time on my run today. (Five miles; I felt like garbage the entire time but it was good anyway.) The scene is wild. He’s in the middle of a drug induced haze orgy. He SHOULD be having the time of his life but he’s so goddamn miserable. (Also, the juxtaposition between Chris Fleming’s Bennie and the Jets is so funny.)

Part of the problem was that John never understood Elton. But, Elton broke it off with John, not the other way around like he said it was. He wasn’t the victim in that regard. John did treat him like shit though.

Victim of Love plays right after that lmao

Renate and he aren’t even close when they do the duet to don’t let the sun go down on me. They’re separated in different rooms, mirroring literally how closed off their relationship was.

The shot with them waking up in different rooms.. damn

His shirt is so LOUD I’m going crazy

Watching Taron down that orange juice made me a little nauseous I gotta say

“Not really I’m gAy”

It’s CRAZY to watch Elton and his mom interact at the dinner scene. He gets accosted and accused of so much by his mom, claiming SHE’S the victim of his actions, making it all about HER and then he turns around and does and says the exact same shit to Bernie.

He yells “Oh, don’t be so dramatic!” at Bernie as he gets into a taxi. THE PROJECTION!! THE DEFLECTION!!!!

I know there’s only so much they can put in two hours, but I wish they showed more of Elton’s eating issues. He had bulimia for sixteen years before he got help. It’s Absolutely the Man With Anorexia in me, but seeing that even men deal with eating disorders quells the lonely aching something in me. I feel that much less alone, you know. Eating disorders aren’t a “woman’s disease.”

How do you think they did his hair? A wig adds more hair, not take it away. He didn’t get his hair cut for it did he?

Seeing Elton’s first love fall apart because John was such a selfish, heartless prick in reality makes me sad.

Elton hugs his inner child when he reconciled with everyone in his past. Goddamn. He found peace and forgiveness for himself, who he was, even after all that time.

When Elton asks him not to go, Bernie refuses, saying this is something he had to do on his own. Healing comes from within alone. No one can help you do it. People can guide you, but you have to work at it. It’s fucking lonely sometimes, but it’s so, so worth it.

I used to loathe I’m Still Standing since i heard it so much at work, but the movie changed my entire perspective on it. I love the slow build up as he exits the rehab center. You don’t get thrown into something so happy and fast paced and fun after a cathartic climax you need to drink in. And the pan to his hat with the rainbow stripe to his smile. I get chills every time. Elton feels so right and secure and happy in himself. At first I thought it was a bit cheesy, but accepting your sexuality, especially after all the hell he went through during his life, grappling with unresolved trauma and fear of abandonment, he absolutely should wear it loud and proud. It’s easy to think times are much easier now being gay, and it shouldn’t be such a big deal. Relative to 1975, it is easier. But it doesn’t mean it’s not such a rough personal thing to work through if you’ve been spit on and resented all your life. Being gay, coming out, and accepting and being comfortable with that fact must’ve been such a HUGE milestone in Elton’s recovery and self-esteem.

Love me again after I’m still standing is perfect. The credits make me tear up every time. Jeez. What a good movie. What a good movie. Hit me up if you wanna talk about Rocketman because I absolutely will with you.

[unproduciblesmackdown]

throwing out some random numbers: 2, 23, 27, 39, 53, 58, 64, 76, 89

that’s the spirit tyvm.....you don’t know what these numbers will give me, idk what i’ll get from them, we’re just gonna see where it goes together

2. chocolate bars or lollipops?

this time i’ll cape for lollipops. they can be fun colors! you can hold the stick in your mouth as something to fidget with.....Fruit Flavor....

23. strange habits?

hmm i mean [autistic behavior] which would seem ~strange~ but only from that certain perspective.......i think One Weird Trick i do is from this nightmare time when like, one semester in college i guess uhhh that was wow a decade ago lmao i had 8 am classes every day for 2 semesters and my roommate and i were night owls so i’d (generally) go to bed earlier and i got in the habit of like, covering my head (or the top half anyways) with like a robe or towel or whatever to block out the light. makeshift sleep mask basically. except i’ve slept like that ever since and it feels weird to Not do so. and i doubt an Actual sleep mask would cut it cuz it’s partially the weight thing. i can only imagine how fun a weighted blanket is lol

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather?

going tf inside!!!!!!! cold weather is garbage. although once i did go ice skating and reasonably enjoyed it. i like skating

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie?

i don’t like pie very much lmao i think the Crust is generally disappointing and i’m not big on the fillings. that said, lemon meringue is a Superior Pie and i’ve made it probably at least a dozen times, it’s pretty fun i think. but still the answer is lemon cake. lemon cake is amazing. cake is amazing. no contest between like, do i want some Amazing fancy pie? or do i want this $1.50 cake mix? i would probably want the cake. or i’d at least have to take a moment to think about it even if going with the pie cuz yeah some pie Is good and u can’t quite get the same flavors in a cake, like rhubarb. i don’t know that rhubarb cake exists. but lemon cake is great. lemon Pound cake hell fucking yes Please

53. what is the current state of your hands?

my hands are fine. they’re here and the same as ever. my nails are already a little too long but not to the point i Gotta cut them cuz it’s annoying tf out of me.....they’re not very dry, which is good, cuz yknow sometimes in the winter it’s like oh no i need lotion to live or smthing.....one time it was winter and i had dryass hands and we went to this Concert and i was just clapping enthusiastically and it made the back of one hand bleed lmao like yikes. the back of my right hand has a freckle although maybe that’s a mole, i haven’t been paying enough attention to know for sure lol.....i used to have a freckle in the middle of my palm on my left hand but that faded a while back. speaking of my palms the other day i was like, hmm is there some weird subtle like crepeiness in the surface of my Palm Skin??? it seemed like there was weird like, lattice-forming creasiness going along the Length of my fingers / across my palm. it might’ve been a vitamin d thing so i ate 3 eggs. today my hands seem more normal but the whole thing might’ve just been me making it up + placebo yolks. but either way. very normal hand day i’m having rn

58. four talents you’re proud of having?

man idk lol. i can get shy cats to like me sometimes. you just Be Chill with them and let them get used to you, idk it’s not hard @ anyone who thinks befriending cats is difficult like, probably that’s just you doing it way wrong........i can cook decently well, that’s handy i think and it can be fun even though it’s also this whole involved hassle......i like to Draw Emotively (in that the drawings are emotionally evocative / expressive, not that the way that i draw is particularly emotive) and i like when people like it / read it as Expressively as intended, i guess i’m proud? like, mission accomplished.......oh wait yeah and damn when i practiced ballet for like a whole decade i was proud of being good at that i guess cuz yknow, Effort, same as with drawing lol i’ve been doing it for a hot minute, i can be proud of those results.

64. favorite website from your childhood?

i wasn’t very Online as a kid b/c we had the one computer w/ a dialup connection & just like, whenever i was using the computer lots it was Pc Games......didn’t rly be on the Net much until Late ‘08.......

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?

i’ve said latkes but you know who really supports me recently is a Whole potato i just scrub off and microwave and cut up and throw some salt n peppy and Shedd’s Spread uponst. like thank you so much for these nutrients and easy preparation, Staple Food

89. who would you put before everyone else?

hmph i don’t like, like, this Pyramid Tiering of everyone in your life with these higher and lower Levels of mattering-to-youness. i mean yeah sure i think we agree that it’s generally the case that we have More casual acquaintances vs friends vs Close friends and so on, but like. why are we gonna accept this Concept where like “okay but What If you need to only pick One Person.” like we’re driverless cars who need to program ourselves about whose life we prioritize, are we gonna run over This pedestrian or That one, who’s Winningest in the “being important to us” game. like we’re not a parent and the house is on fire and which of our three children do we love the most? well like, whose bedroom is closest. which of them hasn’t already bailed out a window. what if our Favorite isn’t the one we’d help first cuz maybe someone needs our help more at some particular time. like what does this question even mean!!!! what is the purpose of asking it??? i don’t like the premise or accept it. and it smacks of [those Concepts surrounding ~romance~ which i also do not like or vibe with]. no b.a.e........i’d go all out for Friends or for People I’ve Never Met But Respect or for Strangers.......some ppl would not get my all-out effort lmao or will get my nah-i-won’t-lift-a-finger lol but that’s if they’re like reeeal shitty. but like why should we whittle down ppl’s Importance to us to like “okay but who’s the 1 the ONE person who you care MOST about” like goddamn why are we adopting this framework. like ideally we have a Community of ppl in our lives who have different relationships / roles / connections to us, and this is pretty complex and why even Think about like, well there *has* to be the One who you prioritize Most Every Time, and you need to Know who that is......like what does that mean. and you know like. maybe the people who are in your life most intimately aren’t always the ones who have the strongest Help/Support ties to you here......like relationships are complicated and varied and having a network of people is better than like the idea that we should be fine and thriving with [The ~Soulmate~] [the friends who are kinda important but pale in comparison to The Soulmate] [family?] [acquaintances] like well if you Would Die For This Person and They’d Die For You you guys are obviously set!! 

anyways i went off about it but i get mad about this stuff like. the stuff that feels like it’s even within 2 degrees of talking about those Soulmates and romantique notions like being incomplete or inherently unfulfilled without That One Special Someone. and even throwing the Romance out the window, why like, have your network of relationships put into a Tournament Bracket where you whittle down who matters most until the Champion emerges????? goddamn