#idk if it was just the general 2019 tumblr culture or if i just had really bad luck or if it was genuinely a fandom problem

[all-seeing-ifer]

at some point in my life i should probablyyyyyy unpack just how badly being on tumblr during peak ace discourse years fucked me up bc i would dearly like to just move on and forget that shit ever happened but unfortunately it's literally Always There. it's the reason i'm Like This on here. and sometimes i'll think to myself "now why do i always feel so uncomfortable and unwelcome and on edge in queer spaces / online spaces / fandom spaces etc etc" and then think about what the answer to that question might Possibly be and go Oh. Yeah. That thing. really this is probably something i should talk about with like a counsellor or something but well how the hell am i even meant to explain any of this to anyone who wasn't a terminally online 16 year old in 2017.

[bonesandthebees]

Mushroom anon backkkk with more random questions

A) opinion on phiddies?

B) how do you pronounce anon? I pronounce it an-on but I have friends who say it ah-non

C) what’s your favorite part of the dsmp fandom?

D) what’s the fandom you’ve been in the longest?

E) what was your first fandom that you were INTO, mine was warrior cats lmao

F) do you read a lot? If so what genre, I like fantasy :]

G) have you ever tried to write er spicy works? I find it so hard to imagine people actually write them lmao

I screwed up my alphabet so many times ;-;

Remember

live, laugh, lesbian

-🍄

hi mushroom anon!! your questions are always so unique and fun!!

A) phiddies... cursed but also high art i mean just look at the drawings wolfy has done

B) I say it like uh-non! since I pronounce anonymous uh-non-ih-mus so it's just a shortened version of that

C) oh man I'd say my favorite part is that we're so focused on platonic pairings and content instead of romantic! ofc there's the dnf side of things, but I still think the majority of the fandom tends to focus more on platonic relationships than anything else which is just really refreshing to me. all of my past fandoms have been very heavily ship-centric, so it's just been really nice to get to explore such a wide variety of platonic relationships instead

D) I mean idk if I'd say i'm technically still in the fandom, but miraculous ladybug I guess which I got into back in late 2015? I still keep up with the general gist of what's going on and follow a lot of ML blogs, but I haven't actually watched the show in years and I don't really participate in the fandom anymore. by different standards though I could say atla since I was super into atla when I was a little kid (like 2007 so 7 years old) and have always had a soft spot for the show, but I didn't actually get into the online fandom till 2019 so idk if that counts lol

E) first official fandom as in participating in an online community? animal crossing new leaf which I joined around late 2014. I'd never been involved in an online community before that and it's the reason I joined tumblr because I wanted to participate in online trading, though idk if acnl would count as a fandom necessarily. if we're talking more traditional fandoms, miraculous ladybug in late 2015 was my first experience with real online fandom culture and that was also the first piece of media I posted fanfic for!

F) embarrassingly enough I don't actually read that much outside of fic lmao. I used to read a TON when I was younger, but now whenever I sit down to read a book I just think of how much I want to write my own stuff. though if I had to pick a fav book genre, I really enjoy modern fantasy or horror type stuff. think the invisible life of addie larue and burn our bodies down. also I just really enjoy anything that explores toxic or messed up relationships in complex ways because I think it's fascinating

G) no I've never tried to write a 'spicy' work. back in my previous fandoms where I wrote a lot of ship-centric stuff I would write makeout scenes, but that was about as intense as it got. I never really enjoyed reading smut or anything close to it. no reason in particular, just wasn't my cup of tea, so I never had much of a desire to try writing it for myself either

live laugh lesbian <333

[ahoysailorsteve]

I wish I was on Tumblr/twitter after S2 aka at the height of the Steve revolution, he was so fucking iconic in that season( he always is but still) I'm sure the love for him was overwhelming not that people don't love him now but it maybe calmed down a little? Especially with everyone having another white boy to thirst over 😂 I think all in all when you take everything in he's the general audience's favorite but I'm thinking the S2 hype would have been unparalleled.

okay get ready for an annoyingly long post.

so I joined the fandom in 2018, almost a full year after s2 came out, so I didn't experience the immediate reaction. but I WILL say that 2018-june-ish 2019 was my favorite time in this fandom, especially among steve lovers (possibly until the past few months where it appears we're getting a renaissance.) I made some really amazing and talented friends on here that have since either deleted or just straight-up abandoned their blogs over the hiatus. but I would log on here every day to amazing fanart and fics and general unhinged nonsense and it was just so FUN to thirst and be weird openly on each other's posts. like, if you think my tags are ridiculous now you should see the stuff I said there back then, openly, under the many smut fics I would reblog from my friends who were just as crazy about him as I was.

now, its not like the talented creators and amazing work have just disappeared, I know SO many creators that write amazing fics and make fanart and gifsets that blow me away. but like, the ✨️culture✨️ (derogatory) has unfortunately changed so much on this site that sometimes it feels weird putting ns//fw or even just thirsty stuff on my blog now. like I know these amazing creators are putting their work out into the world but reblogging it I get......shy??? is that possible even though y'all don't actually know me?? idk. but I don't engage with content the way I, and so many others, used to. and I know that's a discussion being had in the creative communities too, that engagement is down because people aren't reblogging and sharing content the way they did 2-3 years ago, so I'm trying to work on that to support everyone making amazing content for us.

I really think it's not so much that people have calmed down, they've just moved those unhinged thirsty thoughts to discord chats or DMs or whatever makes them feel more comfortable, not the dashboard for the world to see. maybe we need to get back to that though, because the collective fandom losing our minds over s2 steve was the highlight of my tumblr experience, and I think with the right feral audience we can bring that back 🖤

[chemicalarospec]

Genuinely Don’t Say Anything Interesting Here But I Like Talking So Thus I’m Posting This

okay I did like nothing productive today but have a ramble on youtube fanbases, specifically the new gen of mcyt. This was two posts and then I made it one so sorry when I repeat myself. I did edit it tho lol. But that means I also inserted more, so this is just all over the place now. 

me from the future: oh god. all over the place. wait wtf this is so long. I don’t even have much to say I just like writing the same sentence three different ways and refusing to cut any of them. I’m sorry; I don’t know how to edit; this is informal AF. (can I use three semicolons? at least one of those is wrong anyways lol.)

edit: I’m so sorry I forgot about having a “read more” last night laksjdflksjad. Also idk if I even agree with myself lmao.

it’s so funny how mcyt is like The Thing now. It’s not cool to like it anymore lol, cuz everybody does. (This is a me thing. I like being special lol. I also self-define “cool” so you should not take it to heart when I say it’s not cool.)

I mean, just thinking about the Dream SMP as something I *do* want to get into, it doesn’t feel like “our thing” -- it’s has the feel of a HUGE fandom. Seriously, I’m in the phandom, which ngl has been dead since 2018, and the fanbase for the SMP has a much different, bigger feel. Idk what i’m getting at, it feels imposing? looking at the Dream SMP fandom seems similar in scope and slightly in atmosphere to pre-2019 phandom, at least to me, and it’s actually making me grateful that I joined now and not all that time ago.

Also I brought up the “our thing” bit because of the mcr post that goes “funny how MCR seems like our little secret and the biggest thing in the world at the same time” and I kinda thought that was just how all fandoms worked? idk I was going to assert that the truth is different but I thought some more and now I’m not sure.

but yeah I like the “our little secret” feel and somehow the phandom has (re)gained that while technoblade (and the new gen of mcyt as a whole) is loosing it.

I mean, I’ve been watching Technoblade since the bedwars winstreak. He had less than a millions subs but most people I brought him up to actually did know who he was. He was big but he wasn’t *famous* -- we all knew about him and we all cared. Like the only person who knew who he was and didn’t care had a little brother(s?) that loved him (wait why is this all in past tense this is all still true). (Yes AFC this has become a callout post for you mocking techno lol.) (If you’re still reading my miNeCRaFT yOuTuBeR fAnBaSe MEta. cringe culture is dead tho; I don’t have to say it like that.) 

Anyways, I didn’t follow Technoblade’s Dream SMP streams and now I feel like I’d just be tagging along if I did get into it. (also didn’t watch SMP Earth lol.) This is because I’m a gate-keeping jerk. Or hate missing out. One of those two things. 

(awkward transition where I don’t know how to make my tangent meaningful and have to make it back to the original train of thought I violently interrupted)

As a long time Techno fan, I’m really proud of the growth he’s experiencing, but a little sad too as the community is being -- well, I don’t want to say “infiltrated,” as I don’t want to shade anyone who was simply late to the party -- perhaps diluted? overwhelmed? yeah, overwhelmed by newer fans, and becoming “unmanageable” in a sense; it feels like we’ve lost a bit of our sense of community with the influx of new fans -- no shade to any new fans! This is just the way fandoms work. When the crowd is larger, it becomes harder recognize each member as a person, even if everything else is the same. (”The death of one man is a tragedy, the death of millions is a statistic.”) (look this is how my brain works deal with it)

I just really like this small community feel, and it’s a bit daunting looking at the smp fandom. 

Also the growth Dream experienced this year is genuinely ludicrous. I mean, the wide appeal of shipping is part of it, not going to beat around that bush, but there’s just so much and I wanna read an essay from a long-time fan who saw it on why he’s got so much growth. 

I really hate to shame fans and stuff, but part of it, at least for me, is that most of these new fans probably aren’t “minecrafters” like we were. I doubt the majority of them grew up on Stampy, DanTDM, and whatever the other ones I didn’t watch were. I mean, some of this is because Child. For them, the distinction is really pre-quarantine post-quarantine i guess? Really, whether they played Minecraft or not. Again, I know it’s bad to shame fans, but apparently I’m just a terrible person and I feel like it’s more shallow or disingenuous to get into MCYT when it’s popular without already being into Minecraft. 

WAIT that’s it -- Minecraft community, as a whole, is special. It’s a LARGE umbrella of fandoms in general, but that’s the thing: they’re all more communities than fandoms -- from the casual builders to the pro parkour players to those who watched the og youtubers to those who followed the Great Potato War, there was Minecraft Culture. 

And the expanded fandom that’s sprung up around the Dream SMP and possibly Dream in general (???) is more of fandom. It feels like a fandom. People treat it like a fandom, they talk about it in fandom spaces, it is fandom, a modern fandom. Not a quaint “little” Minecraft community. 

I’m not going to say it’s because of the shipping, but... I have no data but at least I can say that it certainly creates an appeal for Fandom People as opposed to Minecraft People. And then also it’s just a fandom thing so it makes the space more fandom. 

Also I realized this is all based upon a feeling, so where did the feeling come from? I was reading in-fandom texts a lot today, and I think the storyline actually might have something to do with it. Also maybe the “talking behind their backs”? I can’t be bothered to remember what I’m comparing to what at this point but that’s definitely done in a lot of other spaces I’m in, so idk.

OH FRICK I’ve mostly been *in* the fandom spaces for real things lmao. (Read: I’m 100% making up everything at this point.) 

(awkward transition because I inserted the last two paragraphs later on)

And really, I played minecraft today for the first time in months. But it’s still with me, you know? The memories of being introduced to it, growing up with it. Going to the Nether with my cousins, my uncle’s giant survival mode cathedral. Mojang being bought by Microsoft and everybody hating it. (... me, my brother, my two friends, essentially... how did we even know??)

[I had part about the minecraft.net writers here but it was completely unrelated so it became it’s own post. I should do that more.]

(With every sentence the target audience of this post gets smaller.)

What was I saying? I’ll just wrap up. 

TL;DR: Dream SMP fandom feels like a fandom and not a Minecraft community and while that’s not necessarily a bad thing, I’ve realized I prefer a community feel, which makes me grateful I joined the phandom now. Also I shouldn’t be allowed to post things past 9:00pm. 

Oh my god I’m so sorry to all my mutrals. My tired loquacious reflex has kicked in. This is essentially a dan and phil stan blog, and though I know a few of you know what I’m going on about, I’m so sorry to the rest of you. 

Well, at least *I* think I’m a fascinating person with interesting things to say hahahahha. 

This is like a diary post. Should I post this? Yeah, other people should share my thoughts lol. OH NO: Late-night Tumblr fandom ramble posts are the new social-justice tirade/generally useless blog-like Goodreads reviews. At least it’s what Tumblr’s made for :P. 

[iggymani]

I really don't understand why people feel the need to give their opinion on another country's situation (or lack thereof) if they don't even live in that country. And this is coming from an American socialist. The West's praise of communism is just as annoyingly disturbing as well. Anyway, if you're Bolivian and you say there was no coup, then there was no coup. It should be simple as that!

TL;DR: it’s not the opinions that really bother me its mostly non Bolivians discouraging actual Bolivians from giving their side of the story and speaking like they know their problems better than they do. I’m happy there’s an interest in my country and people are involved with talking about really complicated issues there but we can have better discussions.

Hello, thank you for this ask, Imma take this opportunity to give a pretty long and personal response about this. Honestly I’m glad that there even is a conversation about these issues, coming from my experience as a Bolivian that grew up in the US, most people I would speak to had never even heard of my country. To this day some people ask where it is or they know it’s in South America but have no clue where specifically or if it’s a European country lol.

When discussing Latino issues or celebrating Latino heritage Ive barely seen any representation of where I come from for most of my life. I feel like because much of Bolivian heritage and it’s history is so deeply rooted from our indigenous people I can’t relate to the general one dimensional box of “latinidad” that exists in the west and in turn we’re too “exotic” by those standards and stereotypes that were simply not seen, heard or spoken of much. For me seeing people like Lupita Nyong’o or Yallitza Aparicio in the spotlight and diversifying people’s perceptions of what it means to be Latino and open up conversations for issues that get rarely talked about is so important. And I’ve never seen such an interest in Bolivian politics or it’s indigenous people before and it’s awesome to see.

Now my biggest issue is seeing a lot of people who for most of their lives had barely had much education or much less a thought on Bolivia in general, and speak like they have more of an authority on these issues than people actually living in the country. A lot of these people also come from a completely different frame of reference with their ideologies and in reaction to the governments that affect them (particularly Americans) and I don’t think it necessarily translates well when it comes to certain global issues like this.

Bolivians who are trying to have a voice in this are trying to give their experiences and insight, and their lives are affected everyday by this. They have the context for a lot of these complicated factors like race, culture, religion, social and political power dynamics, corruption and the way a post colonized Bolivian society copes and progresses. I see a lot of them get labeled as CIA shill and get verbally attacked and insulted and I think it’s very unproductive and even dangerous to discourage them from participating in the conversation.

I usually don’t voice my opinions but during the second round of elections recently I’ve been much more engaged in this stuff. This is very very personal to me, It concerns the future of my country, the lives of the people there, my family, my friends, their families. I’ve been following the situation since 2019 when my family and every Bolivian I knew in the DMV area and in Bolivia were protesting against the fraudulent election. I’ve been hearing whats been going on from inside the country and the events unfolding as they happen. And I’ve been seeing a completely different story outside of Bolivia. So idk I feel compelled to give my two cents even if people don’t like it, and I’ve been considering maybe compiling a bunch info, maybe write some essay type posts and make another tumblr for it? lol but I’m just a guy in my early 20’s trying to pay bills and eat that’s cares about his country. With something like politics charged with so many other problems I understand why people are so passionate, but regardless of the opinions I just feel like better conversations can be had and if people are learning more about where I come from that makes me happy.

[bts-love-sweat-tears]

BTS Ideal Types as Subcultures/Tropes (idk what to call this post tbh)

A/N: Just a little scenario/imagine I thought of while I sit here scrolling through tumblr. JJK has been wrecking me sooo badly lately with that floofy hair of his.

No one needed another one of these but here we are. I haven’t written anything in forever but wanted something to post something original to share my gratitude with you all for sticking around while I figure out how to navigate “adulthood.” Typed on my phone as my computer is in for repair 😬

Now that it’s late 2019, i feel like we’re getting to know the boys in ways we haven’t before and their ideal types have likely changed. Not at all factual and based on my observations/ intuition. Meant to be comical. Sorry if my references are getting stale-I’m 28 now and not up on youth culture in the way I once was 😂

KNJ- the hipster (are they still around?): probably in an art collective with their friends who are scary cool, literature or philosophy major, you see them around but they’re always in and out or on to the next thing. Hard to get close to but friendly once you’re in. Has read every Murakami book, Salman Rushdie, Helen Oyeyemi, and any other critically acclaimed book that will win an award. Probably has read (or pretends to have read) infinite jest. Probably has a monochromatic module wardrobe that was thrifted/organically sourced, and impossibly cool glasses. Met Namjoon when they got into a heated philosophical discussion at a party and scared away all their friends to the beer pong table.

KSJ- the stand up comedian: Met at one of their performances, at which Jin tried out a few of his dad jokes on them. They rolled their eyes so hard while Jin’s friends stared on in secondhand embarrassment. But if anyone can make it work, it’s Jin. They’re enamored with his goofy windshield wiper laugh, and his endless optimism. Being a comic and dealing with the uncertainty is tough, but while Jin is hilarious he is also a rock solid, unflappable person to come home to at the end of the day. Jin admires their humor, resilience, and the adventure of an unconventional career (the Sagittarius jumped out here). Being with them is never boring, and Jin has the perfect captive audience for opinions on his jokes.

MYG- the social justice warrior: We’ve all seen Yoongi’s comments about capitalism and society, and possibly his comments about gender and attraction (depending on how you view the translation. A whole thing i will not get into in the midst of this imagine). It would take forever for them to DTR (if ever) because neither of them would care all that much. That couple that kinda naturally becomes a couple from spending so much time together. His SO knew it was real when he gave them the password to his studio. Not ones for flashy displays, but rather unwavering loyalty and support. Their idea of date night is takeout on the studio floor, discussing their activism and music. Minimal pda, but sneaky handholding when they think their friends won’t notice. His SO probably works at a nonprofit or other mission driven organization. Forever dragging him to political protests, rallies, symposiums, book signings, etc. When they are tired from the exhaustion at the slow pace of change, they always know they can find the best cuddles back home with Yoongi.

JHS- The hypebeast/hypebae: Probably in a dance crew as well, would meet at some kind of showcase. Won’t even bat an eye at the acorn bag. Always has the latest limited run hoodie from some obscure brand Hobi’s never heard of but is suddenly obsessed with. Unimpressed by his AP watch/money but impressed by exclusivity/hard to get items. Matching bucket hat selfies while waiting in line to cop their next pairs of sneakers. Probably super chill to relate to Hobi when he’s calm and balance out his hyper side when it appears.

PJM-The influencer: Someone just as pretty/aesthetic as he is with the following to match. With great power comes great responsibility, as they say- Jimin would be the ultimate instagram boyfriend, down to visit whatever cute pumpkin patch, coffee shop, or art installation his SO did. He has the photo skills to match from all the Kim Daily posts. That said, his idea type wouldn’t take advantage of him and would want to feature him in all of their posts, in full-on matching couple gear. They would also know when to put the phone down and give him all the attention he deserves and needs. The cute power couple that slightly makes you want to barf, but only because they are so sweet to each other and in their own little world. Probably have a joint insta for their dog/cat/lizard/whatever.

KTH- The CEO go-getter: type, with the income and art collection to match. Yes, we all know that Tae wants a family and domestic bliss, but I could totally see him being the stay at home dad while his SO takes on the world. Let us also note that he is a Capricorn, and I could see him valuing a partner who is driven and wants to build an empire/legacy (and cough contribute to his Gucci fund/general expensive taste cough. Have you all seen the cost of some of those Leica cameras? I digress). His SO probably has a MBA or multiple advanced degrees. Met at some expensive art gallery opening (probably Namjoon’s partner’s🤪) that they didn’t want to be at but had a sense of obligation to go. His partner might be more serious and reserved, to balance out his gregariousness, but they admire that in him. They would value Tae’s ability to see things in novel ways and distill the situation down to a simple but unique answer. Live and let live vibe, cave whenever Tae wants to take pictures of them, cold exterior but soft/goofy with him (wait, did I just describe Yoongi? I swear I’m only brotps 😂)

JJK-he seems like your typical gym rat but is not-so-secretly obsessed with nerdy video games and excessively violent anime (here’s looking at you, AOT). Therefore, he has two types-the sporty soccer player and the e-girl/boy. Impressed by anyone who can lift as much as he can and match his mile time. They could each push each other to be harder, better, faster, stronger (RIP our era of Kanye innocence).

On the flip side, his insta is suspiciously full of beautiful people with pastel hair, endless tattoos and a+ cosplay. Probably posts risqué pics. The person could probably beat him at overwatch, Skyrim, etc. He drops flirtatious comments in their messages, but too starstruck to say anything if he were to see them out and about. If they somehow meet and make it past all of the awkward, they will be the scene-y couple, at the amusement park, conventions, (comic) book stores, anywhere they can be their quirky selves together. Lots of shouting and playful jabs/smack talk that are all forgotten when the controllers are put down.

[positivityforlesbians]

Sometimes I feel really really alone, not just as a woman, but as a lesbian. And I don't know what to do. I have no irl female friends who know my secret, or the fact that I have a girlfriend (Ldr) I wish I had someone to talk about my insecurities as a lesbian, about my relationship and whatnot. Someone who I can ask for a piece of advice. But I live in a complicated area and I'm an introvert so socializing is not my specialty. I wasn't expecting lesbianism to be so, so lonely.

It can be very lonely indeed if not well surrounded (is that the right word ? I’m not sure), but hey you’re really not alone in this anon. Lesbian loneliness is an actual thing, waaaaay more than our gay brothers experience (they have a more outgoing culture so it’s more easy for them to meet each other, though for the introverts ones it’s still hard because partying is not their thing), while lesbians have a more “let’s stay cosy at home” culture, it could be because of our gendered socialization idk but generally yeah this dychotomy exists. You can see it in our writings (historically speaking) as well as what we are still saying even in 2019, like you right now ^-^ It’s more difficult to meet each other, especially in rural places and when in fear of being discovered (when we’re not out), but this gets better with time, you gain confidence, you learn how to meet your people, you create links and so you can have your group of friends you relate to. It takes time and effort, hell, myself i’m far from that, but i’m in my twenties, i know it’s difficult compared to straight people. 

I suggest you talk with other lesbians online first (you said you live in a complicated area), and you should explicitly say that you search for someone to talk about your relationship, love, lesbian culture etc, in short, to have a lesbian friend ! Many of us look for that of course, so i’m thinking would y’all be interested if i made a group chat for the sole intention of finding a group of - at least online - lesbian friends ? So we have each others to talk to ? We’d have the group chat for general discussion and then we would message each others privately, each of us having our one (at least) online lesbian friend to talk with to speak about personal issues, questions and whatnot ? I think it could be great and totally in line with the goal of positivityforlesbians.

So reblog and comment if interested everybody ! If i do it then you’d have to be following this blog to be added, because there is a limited amount of people that can be in a group chat (a hundred i think) and a lesbian, though I can accept bi women too. Fyi group chats are only available on mobile version (so anon if you don’t use tumblr on mobile you can just message me if you want). But yeah i really understand what you’re saying, eventually the people you talk online can be real life friends if you live close enough, beside, you will find lesbians and bi women in real life without knowing them before, life is full of surprises ! :) Xx

[unfinishedjulyrainarchive]

6, 8, 16, 29 and 35 for the be honest meme!

to be honest meme | status: NOT accepting | @latibulx

6.Do you prefer writing male muses or female more? Why?

8.Name any three things about the rpc that bother you.

16.If you could change one thing about rp on tumblr, what would it be? Why?

29. What is your opinion on “reblog karma” and do you practice it?

35.Do you read other people’s threads or do you only read your own?

  ━━━ ⎊ 6. Either is fine but idk if it’s just out of protest but I kept making more female muses in the last few months and refuse to have my males more interactions than my females. I love all my muses dearly yet even in 2019, most people go for the d ( in general interactions and when they want smut lbr ). NOT saying this is a general thing with everyone I write with. God forbid, no. It’s just that over the years, you get better at seeing these patterns. As you might notice I could go on and on but I better stop here haha. But let’s say it’s still easier to write a girl since I am a girl. Off-topic, however, I’d also like to write characters like T’Challa from Black Panther yet I fear I might not portray him and his culture accordingly. Hence why I stay to Korean fcs mostly. I know the culture, I know the people.

8. Elitism, drama, anon hate. I think these are obvious. Back in the MCU rp community or also in the Once Upon A Time one, I noticed so much elitism. Who had the most followers, the most threads, friends, best graphics and icons. It honestly made me lose my interest to remain there. And since it’s canon, who plays character xy the best. As for drama, I am guilty of that, I won’t hide it. Though, it’s not that I ever wanted it. I try my best to avoid drama and talk things through -- and with the right people, it always works. I received anon hate before and that’s why my ask box won’t open to anons anytime soon ( I sometimes make exceptions for memes but then close it again ).

29. Answered here.

35. Ohhhh absolutely. Like yours haha. I’m always amazed at those muns who can write long ass paras. But long or short, I try to draw inspiration and maybe new ideas in terms of writing. How does they describe the situation, their feelings? Which words do they use? And sometimes I get so hooked, I wanna know what happens next haha.

[magicalbluelightning]

2018 was.... a LOT:

I dragged a friend to a furry con (AWU)

Saw P!atD in concert

Failed a few classes, despite working as hard as I could & asking my professors for help :/

Changed my major from biology to indisciplinary studies, which is effectively the same thing but now I won’t ever have to take a calculus class ever

Made a discord account, joined a few servers 

Made a Ninjago discord server that now has over 70+ people and is fairly active (come join its really neat!)

Got into RvB and HxH as well as I’m more active in Ninjago fandom

Actually made progress towards releasing a webcomic (or two. or FIVE) wrt to getting a set storyline and character designs

Had a roommate for the first time

Realized I’m genderqueer as well as realized I can be both bi and on the aromantic spectrum, and that I’m not the cisgender aroace person I thought I was

Increased my confidence & improved my mental health drastically to the point I’m comfortable going up to strangers and talking to them (asking for help at stores, talking to the person sitting next to me in class on the first day, etc). I still struggle with anxiety & I’m an awkward mess but I’m definitely better than I was last year

Started writing again!

I had art in a zine! (@/ninjagozine)

Got hit by a car last month, not so fun but I was able to walk it off so I’m alright

Started questioning my beliefs & exploring various religions & theology, and realized just how fascinating it is to learn about different belief systems and how it affects culture & tradition & all that (probably why I love world building & character analysis tbh, it’s such an absolutely fascinating subject and I want to learn more). 

Despite my pen breaking and me overworking myself to the point of being physically sick sometimes (school work being a STEM major, writing AND personal/fandom art can be a lot for one person all at once), I think I figured out which direction I want to go in wrt my art and I’m more comfortable drawing backgrounds and adding details now!

So yeah. That’s just the stuff in my personal sphere of existance, yall know all the bullshit that went down with politics & the world in general so I won’t go into that.

But anyway! I feel 2018 was an incredibly necessary learning experience for me- there were quite a few ups & downs, but overall I think I learned a lot and grew as a person. Which I think is what’s important in the end, right?

Also special thanks to @jomeimei421 for posting so much RvB on your insta that I finally went “ah fuck I need to go watch this” and proceeded to binge all 16 seasons over the course of a week during my lunch breaks at work. So I thank you for my life :) (Love your art btw!)

I was going to tag a lot of people who made a positive impact, but tumblr ate this post 3 different times while I was attempting to tag people, and there’s so many people it took 3 hrs trying to figure out what to put on this thing and I have other things to do before midnight rolls around.

[Edit: Apparently it tagged people anyway??? Idk what happened but I literally cannot figure out what the fuck is going on and I’m just gonna assume this is another tumblr fuck-up. Anyone who got tagged I just want to let you know you were a huge inspiration to me this year, you’re all very wonderful :)]

So I want to say- thank you to anyone who’s ever talked with me, I can honestly say that while it’s certainly got more than its fair share of bad, tumblr is the place I’m most comfortable and I feel most free to be myself. So for what that’s worth. Thank you.

Here’s to making 2019 the year we all live our best lives, leave behind all the toxic people, and help each other live out all the goals & dreams we can think of. As well as the year I say “Anxiety be damned” and do the thing anyway (like leaving comments on fics bc yall deserve all the nice comments).

Thanks for 2018, I’ll see you all in 2019! 

Happy new year!

[spelviin]

endgame thoughts, not because i think i have anything valuable to say abt it, more just bc i want to get my initial unsullied opinions out before various overly nitpicky or overly praisy internet thinkpieces come around

okay so. first of all, i’m tired to death of the way folks talk about the mcu. like, it’s either a godly feat of everything and the most important thing ever or the literal devil incarnate and the source of all evil in this world. i am literally so fucking bored of both these perspectives and have zero time for either of them. 

yes, the mcu is emblematic of a lot of problems in the current state of the film medium as a whole. yes, it is also a really cool feat of storytelling that a whole bunch of movies spanning a whole bunch of years could all come together and culminate in a big huge blowout finale. yes, it could have been far better, but yes, it also could have been far worse. 

i wasn’t a fan of thor being a punchline in this film. like, the whole “lol thor fat” thing was like, really tired and not cool. and the fact that his genuine moments of expressing grief and the significant trauma he’s been through were played off for laughs more often than not bc “lol thor supposed to be big many man but he’s crying like a wimpyboy instread.” like, fucking please. it’s 2019 and other male characters were allowed to be shown crying and processing their trauma but thor’s??? not allowed for some reason??? anyway they did him dirty in this movie and i’m not super pleased abt that. 

i didn’t like that they fridged natasha. i’m not a fan of scarjo so much these days, but i did like natasha. 2012 me adored her and was 100000% behind her as the Only Woman (despite being miffed that she was the Only Woman) and i really liked her character and redemption arc through the films that she appeared in. and like, i get the justification for fridging her. like i get that she was this assassin who killed a bunch of folks and in the end, not only wiped out the red in her ledger, but saved the whole damn universe in doing so. i get that. i’m just annoyed that they literally went and fridged the Only Woman to give the boys manpain before the third act. 

speaking of the ladies.... the One Scene Where Women Get To Do Things. my god. the critical feminist part of my mind greatly resented the obvious lip service of that scene, and the fact that the ladies only got the one shining moment before we got back to the sausage fest. but lord, the lesbian part of my mind hella enjoyed it. like i was legit bouncing in my seat like YESSSS FUCK EM UP LADIES i was just completely stoked. 

and my god. MY GOD CAN WE TALK ABOUT CAROL’S HAIRCUT AKA A GIFT TO THE LESBIANS. THIS MOVIE HAS MANY SINS BUT WE CAN ALL THANK IT FOR THAT HAIRCUT. (and again, feminist me is like, hey, dont focus on her appearance, focus on the important shit she did in singlehandedly turning the battle around for everyone, but lesbian lizard brain is hhhhhhhhhhhhh girl hot)

anyways. 2012 me was a month out of a major jaw surgery when i saw the first avengers, puffy faced, on heavy painkillers, and unable to eat any solid foods, and just generally weak and miserable. i dragged myself to the theatre and i smiled the whole way through that movie bc even though i was feeling super shitty, that 360 shot of the team made me so excited and happy. so happy that i watched and rewatched a bootleg download over what was probably the worst summer of my life, and it made me happy and gave me hope, dumb as that may sound. 

i havent watched the first avengers movie in a long time, and i’m not sure if i’d feel the same way seeing it now. remembering how it felt then still makes me happy, but seeing that same 360 shot repeated in endgame didnt stoke much emotion. tumblr fandom took a lot of my avengers joy away. the drama and character hate and constant complaining and cringe culture bullshit exhausted me. and the recent turns of the mcu also contributed to that. a lot of things contributed to it, i guess. but i dont feel as happy as i once did. so a lot of this movie rang a little bit hollow, needless to say. 

that being said, though, i did feel a little flicker of that joy. for all the movie’s and the franchise’s faults, of which there are many, i can say that the moment where all those portals opened up and the revived characters stepped though, i felt that happiness again. i legit almost cried when i saw shuri’s silhouette step out of that circle. that moment when the score came in with that booming version of the avengers theme, i was 2012 me again, just for a moment, and i think that’s worth something. to me, that’s worth something. so for all its sins, i thank the movie for that. 

this is rly rambly and im tired so im just gonna say 2 more things. things i’m not personally super invested in, but other people are, and so i feel i need to have an opinion on em.

first is bucky. i fucking adore him, and i am kinda miffed that he got like, no interactions with steve. i know steve/peggy is the canon ship, i knew it was always endgame (heh) and that stucky is just a fandom thing. but god damn it, even if they were never gonna have their relationship go there (which tbh i literally never even came close to expecting to happen) it still feels a little bit unfair to have steve basically ignore probably the most important person in his life. like, i know he wanted to live his happy straight life with peggy, and passing on the shield and identity of captain america to sam is super important, and i loved that moment and would never begrudge him that bc i adore sam. i was just... really sad that bucky had to get kinda shafted for that. (literally all i was saying in the last half hour was “but where’s bucky? but what about bucky?” our boy deserved better. 

second is tony. tony tony tony. i know folks have a lot of strong feelings about him, both ways. i know of folks who think he’s the scum of the earth for some dumb reason, and i personally know others who think the entire mcu should revolve around him, for equally dumb reasons. i’m more neutral. i think he’s a good character who made questionable decisions in the past. i feel for him and his struggles with PTSD. i respect him as a character in-universe and also for what he and RDJ accomplished. like, if he hadn’t hit it out of the park with that first movie like a fucking decade ago, none of this would have been possible, and i think that’s pretty damn cool, regardless of feelings on the monster juggernaut the mcu has turned into. basically, i know some folks are maliciously rejoicing at his death while complaining that he got a hero’s send-off when he is a Bad And Not Morally Pure Man, which is. boring. and other people (namely one who i know personally in my family) who are mad because he is an Angel and deserved the Best Happy Ending Because No Bad Things Are Allowed To Happen To This Perfect Boy. i’m not here for either opinion. i’m okay that he died (peter crying over him did get to me in a huge way, but i think tom holland just has a power that if he’s crying, i’m crying so idk). i think it’s cool that he got to save everyone and got a heroic and well deserved send off. this isnt a revolutionary opinion i just wanted to throw it out there bc im bored with the polarization. 

and... yeah? i think that’s it? sorry, im really tired and this probs doesn’t make sense but i just felt like i had to get the initial reactions and feelings down before the thinkpieces get to me lmao. 

oh, also nebula deserved better 2kforever i just love her a lot and want her to be happy and not suffer, kthxbye 

[isang-pangarap]

January 26, 2019

2:06 AM | Cheers to 5 years of venting on Tumblr.. lolz.

I just want to start off saying... this week has been a goddamn mess. Yesterday, I stress cried in the morning because I thought I had lost my labcoat and goggles. I was so exhausted. Then by the end of the night.. I was crying again.

Let me update you.. I am the president of FASA! However... I kind of took too much onto my plate. I forget things so easily. I have so many things to do or worry about like pageant choreo, judges, logistics... Culture night.. Winter Apparel! BUDGET FOR NEXT YEAR?

That's just FASA stuff ... I also haven't started on my Microbio labs even though apparently that class is super hard. Same with O-chem 2.

Not to mention... it seems I still have the same problems I had in 2015 (go fucking figure ..)

I feel bad because I keep forgetting to make Jennifer's save-the-dates. I never reply to group chats... idk if it's my own fault... but to everyone in general I just feep detached. Forrest said yesterday: "Alyssa is not my friend, she is just my president." Although it's pretty true... it's goddamn depressing.

For modern dance... I feel like every is having fun on one side while I chose to be on the left side.... no one really interacts with me. I don't feel underappreciated but I really feel detached, unimportant, unnecessary, and unloved.

Lastly... I am royally fucking up right now. I just had a huge HUGE fight with my boyfriend, Scott. :( I won't go into details, but I'll just say I am a terrible girlfriend who needs (mental??) help.

Idk how long it's been... maybe almost a year? Of pretty regular fighting. Not to mention abuse, emotionally, mentally, and physically. I never thought I would be this kind of person yet here I am... How? I know it's wrong and yet I still do it over and over. That's why I want Scott to be free of me. But... I'm going to succumb and call. Gdi me.