#idk if i'll get it back or not - i think they should use it to fix up the walls - but im not really bothered about it i guess
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chapter 166 thoughts
As of chapter 166, Oshi no Ko has finished a roughly four-and-a-half year run started back in 2020. While there's some speculation about an epilogue or some extra content in volume 16 when it drops, this is where the main story ends. And you know what that means!!!
OSHI NO KO HAS OFFICIALLY ENDED WITHOUT ADDRESSING OR ACKNOWLEDGING THE FACT THAT RUBY KISSED HER BROTHER IN CHAPTER 143
please understand that this is FUCKING BOGUS
I'll probably do a longer post on this subject specifically, but my main critique of 143 when the chapter dropped was that while I liked the individual beats in it and I was really glad to see Akasaka finally addressing this tension bubbling underneath Aqua and Ruby's relationship, the immediate swerve away from showing us the aftermath of that kiss felt to me like an admission that the story was going to needlessly draw this out even more. Now that the story has ended and we can see that moment had literally no impact on the plot or even the character dynamics, I'd like to revise that statement - it feels like an admission of compromise. It feels like crumbs thrown to AquRuby fans to tempt them to keep reading and to stir up the waters of the ship wars, so people would keep reading and stay invested in the manga right to the very end. But most of all, it feels deeply disrespectful to both Aqua and Ruby as characters. Rather than exploring their feelings and giving both of them interiority and complexity in relation to incest or even just fucking acknowledging that the kiss had happened and letting their dynamic evolve, the series just memory holes the entire event and asks that you do too. Rather than letting Ruby have any development whatsoever as pertains to that relationship or, god forbid, let a female character move on romantically from the male lead, the series ends with her feelings so up in the air that I literally could not tell you what she thinks of Aqua by the time he dies.
ANYWAY… FINAL CHAPTER. BREATHES OUT VERY HARD.
I really can't believe it's taken us until the final chapter to actually deal with Ruby's grief over Aqua lol. We got a snippet of it last chapter but it was so brief that it really just felt like a tease. I also just think it's kind of bizarre that we're spending this little time on Ruby having feelings about Aqua's death to the extent that I have no idea how or when she found out about it.
It's also kind of hard to feel particularly strongly about Ruby's grief when the chapter doesn't really bother to explore it all that much. It's just a montage of Ruby quite literally Screaming, Crying and Throwing Up while Akane dispassionately narrates it all. The art also doesn't really help in terms of connecting with the emotions at play - I usually really like Mengo's expression work and the way she depicts extreme emotions but this all just felt like of… I don't know how else to put it. Goofy??? Is that an insane thing to say about Ruby grieving her brother???
Idk, something about both the panelling and just the extreme on-the-noseness of Ruby, again, literally Screaming, Crying Throwing Up while she's wearing a Burning cosplay Just In Case You, The Audience, Didn't Get It only for her to abruptly be done crying with no exploration or insight as to what's going on in her head that allows her to move forward.
Honestly, this is kind of the issue with everyone in the cast. The resolution is just sort of "Aqua died and we were sad about it but then we stopped being sad". I know what the story is trying to go for here - it's trying to express that even when you're in pain, life goes on and so you have to find a way to go on with it. But the result is that we spend all this time oogling at their pain without spending equivalent or even meaningful time on their recovery process.
It feels both excessive and undercooked at the same time and I'm left with the same icky, voyeuristic feeling I got from Aqua's funeral last chapter. This should be the point in the story at which we empathize with Ruby the most, but she remains a frustratingly distant figure right to the final pages. Part of this is an unfortunate consequence of Akane's narration directing these final chapters meaning that we're hearing about Ruby from an outsider's perspective and thus don't really see what's going on in her head… but if I can be frank, this has been an issue of Aka's with Ruby in particular basically nonstop since chapter 123.
As others & myself have noted, despite the absolutely catastrophic downward spiral Ruby is in at that point, Aqua revealing himself as Gorou basically flips it all off like a switch. There's some mild lipservice paid to the idea that Ruby is just using her dependency on Gorou to prop herself up and it's pointed out that the issues that contributed to her breakdown haven't actually been resolved - but none of these issues are ever even acknowledged again, let alone resolved. So, functionally, that reveal does fix all Ruby's problems in the space of a single chapter and the result is, again, that we spend multiple chapters gourging on depictions of Ruby's absolute rock bottom only for her to ping back to normal like a lightswitch. As such, the depictions of her pain feel less like explorations of Ruby's interiority and more like voyeuristic oogling at Ruby's misery and trauma and the effect is that the resolution to it all is both unsatisfying and a little gross. The result is that it feels like Akasaka is just indulgently mining the imagery of cute girls suffering because it causes simple thoughts neuron activation but doesn't respect these girls enough as characters to build them back up.
It doesn't help that this is basically the in-universe excuse for Ruby's career further skyrocketing. Instead of Ruby becoming a star on her own merits as the story keeps insisting she was supposed to, she's artificially buoyed by the public's morbid fascination with her tragedy. If I was feeling charitable towards the story right now, I would say this is an avenue of intentional critique but… well, I don't feel super charitable about the story right now lol
I WILL say that the one part of this chapter I did just uncomplicatedly like was the beat of Mem trying to suspend activities (presumably in the wake of her grief for Aqua) only for Kana to basically immediately explode into her room and help her get back on her feet. It's a beat that would've been much more effective if we'd, you know, seen it, but I otherwise enjoyed it and I thought it was sweet.
But. pbbbbtttt. I guess I can't talk around it any longer… let's get into the Dome concert.
To start things off on the immediately worst note possible, Akane describes Ruby performing at the Dome as being 'everyone's dream', including Aqua's. I'm reminded once again of the strange turn the story took in insisting that um, actually, performing at the Dome was totes Ai's dream all along (even though she literally didn't give a shit even a week before she was due to perform there herself) so Ruby performing there is fulfilling that dream for her!!! and I can't help but wonder if this abrupt shift in focus is an attempt to make readers forget what Ai's actual dream was - to see her beloved children grow up happy and healthy. Hell, it wasn't even really Aqua's dream, until the story suddenly had to try and convince us that his entire purpose for existence was to kill himself so Ruby could be an idol for slightly longer than she would've otherwise. The only people whose dreams she's textually fulfilling are Ichigo and Miyako and Ruby herself, but…
Honestly, is this really Ruby's dream anymore?
Who is Hoshino Ruby? What does she want? Why does she want it? These should be the very least of what we can concretely say about not only a protagonist but a character who has become a central figure of the entire story as Ruby has, but with the way Oshi no Ko has warped and distorted her, I find myself increasingly unsure of what the story wants her to be or how I should answer those questions.What does Ruby feel about Aqua? Was she still in love with him? Had she moved on, romantically? Was she still waiting for a response to her confession? Did she finally realize it was probably kind of shitty to respond to her brother going "lowkey wanna kms" by sticking her tongue down his throat? I Guess We'll Never Know.
This extends to whatever the fuck Ruby's relationship with idols and being an idol is. Almost the entirety of Ruby's time in the story has been spent reiterating over and over that Ruby cannot just be an idol who imitates Ai and that to truly shine, she needs to step out of her mom's shadow and shine in her own way. Ruby even literally tells Kana in no uncertain terms in 137 - "I'll be a star in my own way. I won't be like Mama."
While this has always been the text of the story, as I've pointed out before, the actual art with which Ruby's idolhood depicts her basically just as Ai 2.0. It relies so heavily on mining the imagery of Ai's charisma and personality as an idol and using them as the measure of Ruby's success as an idol that Ruby essentially has no visual or conceptual identity of her own as an idol. She's just Ai, But Arbitrarily Better, For Reasons The Narrative Fails To Actually Establish But Hopes That You Just Accept Anyway. This was always kind of annoying, but now that friction seems to have been resolved by… just making her Ai 2.0, But Arbitrarily Better (etc, etc) in the text as well. The fact that we're given no further insight as to Ruby's feelings and continue to just have Akane Explain Ruby's Character Arc to the camera also doesn't help.
All this combines to make the Dome concert and the final few pages feel exceptionally cold in a way I really don't think was intended by Akasaka. Yes, that splash page was nice and flashy but… I just felt nothing. I have no idea if or why Ruby cares about this. And even though the Dome concert has been hyped up through the entire story as the peak of Ruby's achievements as an idol, I feel no sense of accomplishment in her finally being there - not just because her journey to it was basically sneezed at us across two panels, but because it just feels hollow as a victory lap for Ruby. Again, she feels so distant and abstracted as a character that I can't bring myself to feel very strongly about her good or bad.
I think the perfect encapsulation of this are the final four pages of the story. Ruby's words here are very clearly intended to be a callback to Ai's words to Gorou in chapter one but as @all-of-her-light pointed out in our initial discussions of the chapter, Ruby very much does not have an equivalent to Ai's conclusion that she nevertheless wants and values the opportunity to find personal happiness and fulfillment outside of being an idol. Are we supposed to believe that simply being an idol is all that Ruby needs to achieve a similar degree of happiness and fulfillment? Is there no more to her than that?
I've seen a lot of people interpret this ending as exceptionally bleak and, as usual, gleefully predicting Ruby's immanent suicide because her beloved oniichansensei isn't around but this is indulging in, if you'll allow me to be frank, some pretty transparently ship-motivated flanderization. Despite what certain sections of the fandom would like to believe, Aqua and Ruby's lives, past and current, have never revolved around each other to the exclusion of every other relationship in their life. Ruby has a massive support network of people who love and care for her and actively want her to get back on her feet. I can one hundred percent believe that she does not need Aqua in her life to be happy and content.
The issue is that we don't see enough of Ruby to understand that ourselves. Again, she has become such a distant figure with so little insight into what she's thinking and why that this ending is basically a Rorschach test in which you can interpret basically whatever the hell you want or assume because we have so little canon basis to support or debunk our assumptions.
and yes. don't think i didn't see them. it IS both grimly hilarious and weirdly tonally appropriate for this ending that ruby has a bunch of oshi goods of ai and aqua including their fucking autographs set up to say goodbye to every day.
AND…… WE'RE DONE!!! THAT'S OSHI NO KO, BABY!!!! well, technically, there's going to be a 20 page extra chapter in volume 16 but I don't see it being big or substantive enough to meaningfully change my feelings about the ending so… I guess we're leaving it here. Damn. Feels crazy to be done with it.
I'll probably do a bigger post down the line about my thoughts on the ending as a whole but in terms of just How This Chapter Made Me feel, I guess the word is just… meh! It's definitely not an ending I like and I think the execution is sloppy and rushed but I also just don't really have the energy to feel angry about it. Maybe that's sad in its own way but tbh… I still really love Oshi no Ko! I still find it engaging and I find the characters I enjoy rewarding to talk about. I like the artistry of the anime adaptation. I don't blame anybody else for being so turned off by this ending that they're done with the series but for me, I like what I like about OnK too much that this ending could retroactively ruin it for me. Whatever else happens with the OnK franchise, whatever directions the anime and live-action take, this will always be the series that gave me Ai and the Hoshino family and. look at me. look at what she's done to my brain. could I really ask for anything more than that?
That being said, I'm definitely not done with discussing the series! I have fics to write (including a VERY exciting large scale project lined up with some friends), my Ai analysis post to finish and I also want to do a re-read of the series and finish my anime rewatch. I'll be here to discuss Oshi no Ko as long as I have things to say about it and as long as you guys will have me! Despite how the series ended, I've had a genuinely wonderful experience in the fandom and I really don't want to let go of the little community we've built together just because the series is done. I'm Ai's fan for all eternity!!!
#oshi no ko#oshi no posting#onk spoilers#chapter reviews#IT ALL... RETURNS..... TO NOTHING....#IT ALL COMES#TUMBLING DOWN TUMBLING DOWN#TUMBLING DOOOOOWN
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a pet headcanon of mine is that after they're done with the sigil removal, emira expands her horizons and starts studying the psychological side of healing, pulling in some resources from the human realm and combining it with boiling isles methods (i imagine the field of psychology in the boiling isles, while existent, was often pushed aside as just a lesser branch of the healing coven back when belos was in charge. i do imagine there's often magic like the memory tweezers involved)
and i imagine she ends up focusing in on like, art therapy and self-expression, because she knows how important that can be, after having her individuality stifled so hard when she was young
#eliot posts#toh#the owl house#emira blight#canon gave us so little on her compared to her siblings and i feel A Need to expand on her because of that lol#also i like the idea that she does still enjoy illusion magic and focuses more on the artistic/creative side of it#she also gets into non-magical art at some point#<idk if that hc came from me or f1ddlyb1ts or if we both came up w it independently but it's included in one of their fics#and then i think she explores writing some and even a bit of music and bard magic#projecting my ''cannot stick to just one creative hobby'' here#raine mentors her because if amity can get lilith and edric can get eda then emira should get raine#also all of the blight kids have formed a good relationship with darius as their probably future stepdad#but emira especially vibes with him#like ''hey dad i'm going for manicures and bubble tea with your boyfriend. i'll be back by seven''#boiling isles bubble tea has eyeballs instead of tapioca‚ naturally
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Looks like I might be getting an Xbox pretty soon. And maybe, 6 months game pass. I didn't want a game pass, planned just buying games I needed (one game, you know which one), but one local shop has some really nice offer with it included. Maybe it's a good idea - to try something else as well, and then buy it if I really like it.
(oh my, didn't plan it before the winter break... I don't have much time for gaming right now... ).
#truly I was doubting whether I needed it at all#like maybe I should just go back to Skyrim on my potato of a PC and forget it all#like a weird dream (that was the best dream until it turned to nightmare)#all this DLC mess left me kinda burnt out#truth is I think souls mechanics by itself could be good for improving my current pitiful mental state#like getting some real challenge not just lazy drunken TES strolls#and maybe getting inspired enough to go on with my AU#alma.txt#not getting PS bc it's more expensive#Also mom won't let me use the TV much so I'll be connecting to my desktop (IDK if PS connets to desktop but Xbox synchronizes well)
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sorry for only saying this type of shit lately but i kinda wanna drive a car straight into a brick wall at the highest speed possible
#trying to keep it together so bad because i already know the problems and solutions and whatnot but i cannot do anything#i desperately just need to do something. accomplish any task. actually several would be nice. but i cannot stand just letting life go by#while i watch other people have the things i want. or even metaphorically living my dream like. that should be me why am i settling for thi#i hate even talking about this because i feel so stupid when i know it's not even a real tangible problem and that i actually DO have real#problems to tackle and the ability to do so but i'm choosing to be upset over the stupidest things i could possibly be sad about#and i can't even be sad about it in a normal way i'm cycling through like several different reactions to smth that isn't even real#or if it is real i literally do not have tanglible evidence for it one way or another like i'm driving myself insane for no reason#i can't even get catharsis because all i'm doing is digging a deeper hole for something i never should've gone back into in the first place#because i KNOW how i am i KNOW how i react to things and i still chose to do it lmao.#and i continue to choose to go through this shit instead of actively trying to change my life because... i'm lazy? and stupid? idk#negative self-talk isn't gonna get me to do anything either so let's just say i'm feeling particularly unmotivated like usual#i hated being a teenager but i really do miss when all my problems just amounted to 'someone was mean to me on tumblr today :(' or i failed#a test in chemistry or something. like i yearn for that simplicity becasue at this point all i'm doing is ruining my own life LMAO#i'm too scared to live i'm too scared to die so i just sit here and fantasize that life could be amazing if i wait#and i'll magically get everything i've ever wanted if i just wait long enough. and i know it isn't true and i still wait for it to happen.#because honestly like. i think deep down i am just convinced i will fail at anything i do when that shouldn't be what scares me.#what scares me should be never even allowing myself to fail because i never tried to do anything at all with myself or my life#like. wake the fuck up. get off your ass and put in the effort. learn some skills. gain independence and stability and discipline and do it#just live please i'm begging you just live so i can be happy don't i deserve to be happy... why am i not letting myself be happy#i'm literally keeping myself trapped in this negative feedback loop ON PURPOSE because teehee shiny toy#and it doesn't matter if the love is real it doesn't matter how i feel like i'm just using it as a distraction i can't say it's motivation#because it's barely motivated me at all. i have to start being realistic. 25 & just realizing you actually have to participate in your life#anyways. i've cried i've agonized i've pictured killing myself in 30 different ways. i think the only way i'm gonna feel better is#to just actually try this time without giving up. wish me luck
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just recently watched this is us with my college friends
#tbqh i found it kinda boring 😭#the louis clips were so not enough#ive watched some clips online prior to actually watching it (for the first time might i add)#one of my friends had a cousin who was crazyyy ab 1d so she dragged her out to the cinema to go watch it when it came out and in 3d lol 😭#the 3d schtick is so funny 2 me lmao 😭#my friend recalls freaking out in the movie theater bc she was a major niall fan at the time. she said 3d niall was so close 2 her face lol#anyway. ab how i watched some clips online prior#i was actually waiting for the louis n his sisters part or the one where he visits his school or smth#my friends.... they literally don't know a thing ab louis personality-wise so they didn't really get much from it#UGH i should download aotv and make them watch it that was way more interesting (but idk? smth about it feels like it's made for fans only?#but... i'll suggest it the next time we get together 🙏🏼#anyw back to my review.#simon cowell's face was a jumpscare what can i say. it was so evil how nicole scherzinger was just. completely written off#im from the future i Know things#<- and like. about this. i felt kinda bad being cynical about the movie when i know my friend is Still an ot5 at heart#i think i broke her 13-year old heart a little 😭#it's so weird how the movie keeps singling out zayn about him getting kicked out or him talking solo music etc kskdj. feels v pointed Lol#they really just documented the 1d-mania & madness they ensued huh.... i think 2 of my friends (bts fans) weren't as impressed LOL 😭#they kinda flamed their performances and stage outfits which is. yeah i agree. kpop idols do WAY more than just.... that (1d) kskskd#i guess i'll make them watch the extra clips next time (o haven't seen all the clips yet i think)#OH and 😭 why was martin scorsese in the film that was hilarious#didn't have a lot of realness to it. is what i thought of the film. yeah. this is(N'T) us ✊🏽😔#maybe... i am too much of a hater#i liked... the... um. it's hard to highlight things i liked ab the film when im Not a 1d fan 😭 like im a louie ONLY idgaf ab 1d 😔#the part ab louis audition.... im sorry babie the editors did u dirty but it was so funny........😭#<- though i imagine it solidified people's (wrong) opinions about him :/
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Adventure Time: Fionna and Cake finale spoilers without context
#all im gonna say is that if you know you know! lol#iykyk; not sure if I should tag this as spoilers or if this is incomprehensible enough to not need one 😂#you're welcome to take guesses on whats going on with adventure time fionna & cake if you want lol to avoid spoiling anyone though I'll#neither confirm nor deny your guesses lol#some of these are very specific references so I think i'll just post it lol#by the way; I'm counting episodes 9 and 10 as the finale since they dropped in pairs of 2!#all of this is seen in those two episodes though; in one way or another; you'll see if you haven't yet! plz go watch it on HBO Max!#boosted numbers & stuff could get us more adventure time spinoff series or even a F&C season 2 (though I don't think one is needed tbh)#I wouldn't be upset though if they somehow came up with more material to cover for a season 2; there are little loose ends left over#but I'm not sure it's really enough content for an entire 2nd season unless we're going to lava world; apocalypse world; tiny world; etc.#the lich could also come back for however many times he has if it's a different instance of him from across the multiverse; but idk#tried to get a little bit of everything in this post without giving it all away; hope I did okay in that regard!#if you can tell me the collegehumor reference without looking it up; you get a cookie! 🍪💜#mine#op#adventure time#fionna and cake#atimers#casper & nova#cheers
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🧸🧃⛈️
#so like late last night i started to get rlly panicky nd upset#bc it's v much looking like im gnna fail my english class. i need to be done next wednesday which means i need to work rlly hard#nd go to school extra to have a presentation nd do tests etc etc#nd im still in pain after surgery nd im rlly depressed bc of my physical health so i just dont think i can be strong nd make it this time#in my almost breakdown i wrote a self referral to the clinic/psych department for personality disorders....#it usually takes them around 2 days to answer you but this time at like 8am they sent me a message AND called me#(i think. im not certain it's them bc i havent checked the voice message or the reply lmaooo. but it should be them)#the thing abt having avpd is now im immediately stressed af nd i regret sending it. i donr wanna check their reply#also it might be bc i wrote a lot abt killing myseld etc etc nd now im worried theyre gnna be like girlie get checked in!!!! lol T-T#i just needed to be very clear nd act frsutrted nd desperate bc i have never gotten treatment in 10yrs nd im TIRED!!!!#my initial reaction is to avoid at all costs nd just pull my covers above my head nd pretend like i dont have to check their reply lol#i dont wannaaaaaa. i take it back i dont want help!!! its fine i dont wanna try or work hard let me rot#why did i do this!!!!! fml. anyway... i'll check later today bc since its early i can still use the excuse of sleepinf thru the days#many ppl working w mentally ill ppl understand that it's normal actually to switch the day around nd sleep during the days sksksk#but also i have no idea how many typos r in here bc im not wearing my glasses whoopsie#yeah.. anyway im gonna try to go back to sleep nd not think abt it#hopefully it wasnt even them calling 🤡 i know i HAVE to check later but not now i can take a few hours#then today i need to figure out if im gnna make one last attempt w my eng class or give up idk what to do
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Sometimes i feel useless and annoying
#//vent#my vent art is... normal sometimes like this one so okay to rb but idk might delete later or removing the tags#i use a lot the wilsons as confort ch actually#idk sometime i feel like i'm not that appreciated in the fandom idk despite my heart know it's wrong#i think it just bc i overthink about some tawog artists that i enjoyed giving support for months but they never interacted with me#and for one of them their art and cute doodles helped me in personal stuff + brought me back to tawog fandom#and i hoped to make them smile with my art but.. yeah they just... don't care after these months#I get sad and disappointed that now they art send just... /neg vibes so i unfollowed them#idk i just feel guit that i made them upset for... unknown reasons#sigh i should just don't care about that and keep to draw dor myself#cringy or not#i'm mostly an optimistic person but overthink a lot when i feel anxious haha#i'll be probably smile and enjoy life again tomorrow#if ppl wanna talk or sending cute ask ye you can#talking with ppl help me to confort so feel free
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prepping 'annihilation' for reading aka tabbing all the chapters so i feel like im making progress
#🍊.txt#idk if i'll end up annotating it yet tho#we'll see if it fucks me up as much as fray thinks it will#also have murderbot downloaded onto new ipad so i can get back to reading that too#AND i should find all the stuff i was using to annotate illuminae ready for my reread so i can finally finish annotating that#and maybe itll make me wanna read gemina#OR itll ruin me as it always does and i'll swear off reading for a while bc my heart hurts
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Lucy and Marona animatic of call them brothers by Regina Spektor and Only Son..
#duck speaks#psychonauts#haunted by an animatic I'll never make#but like.#over and over they call us their friend. can't we find something else to pretend ?#like nobody won and we're safe at the end ?#<- Lucy thinking about what if maybe it was different and Marona was safe..#I think mostly it would be her thinking back on it while she's older now and there's nothing that can be done#and then the um.#in the darkness the film machines spinning. so let's leave it on#we'll be out in the street before anyone knows that we're gone#<- her imagination still but them younger now (like teens or something idk)#maybe if they ran away then none of this would've happened..#and the.#the hunt is on. everyone's chasing. everyone's chasing a shot#a shot rings out. nobody wants it. nobody wants it to stop#<- her memories of what happened when she was Maligula coming through even though she's trying not to think about that#it could probably be either with the flood and what happened to Marona or even the fight with her friends and what happened to Helmut#maybe both ?#and then the last chorus would be her realizing that she can't fix the past and get Marona back..#but she still has family she can spend time with (the Aquatos and psychic 7)#idk about the other choruses much though.. probably at least one of those would have something to do with the locket in her brain world#but ough#Lucy and Marona...#um.#psychonauts 2 spoilers#probably I should have that there huh
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ugh there it goes
#our promotion 😢😢#1st place is gone#today was tough our opponents were all way better than us#we only won 1 match out of 6#now they're leading our league well we should at least win our last matchday and get 2nd place#the no1 seed was in another league from ours 6:0 6:0 altough she's quite a good player at our club#we only won one doubles match altough they were not as good by far as their other players#and all the matches were quite one sided they were also way higher rated than us#i also lost my match 😫 altough it was quite close actually but that is even worse sometimes idk#i certainly could have won idk why i didn't i mean there were not many chances but they were there#i lost 5:7 4:6 ugh 😭#maybe with a better serve i would have won#but i was 5:4 up and i didn't win that point like that's when you have to be there and make it#i think this might just be one of my weaknesses i'm really good at conebacks and believing in that i'll win but i have to be more effective#and 'cold' when it matters sometimes i'm quite wasteful with my chances#i often make the craziest most difficult shots which are 'impossible' to get back but then fail at the easiest one's#especially in the crucial moments maybe i should play it safe more and be more patient#nah but winning that first set would have changed everything because 3rd sets are more likely to be my advantage with my speed and fitness#and in the 2nd i was just always one behind i always caught up but never went ahead#my serve also wasn't really there today and my 2nd serve is still too weak opponents take advantage and if i have a bad 1st serve percentage#like today it makes it difficult to win my own serve and i also made many double faults (4) 😕#i aced her once tho 🤪#but my serves are sometimes great but very inconsistent dependent on the day (the 2nd one always bad)#my backhand also wasn't as good as usualy i hit a lot of them out but it got better altough then i took many with my forehand which worked#and my opponent had riddiculous stops they wouldn't go up the ground again 🫠#and she was so good at net and also whenever i went there she'd pass me or lob me 😅#i gave up doing that very soon my best shot at this was just hitting winners and hitting balls deep to her forehand#i succeeded at that a couple of times but it was not enough#i mean i didn't play badly but what a shame#she was very nice though and very fair it was a pleasant match and she told me she was the best opponent she encountered in the league
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having to make myself just pull back a second and go for "simplest explanation that fits all the facts and isn't accidentally inferring beyond the facts we do have".
#I tend to not want to eliminate possibilities so long as there's even a small chance of them happening and I get why#but at the same time I've ended up doubting things that I think in retrospect I should have taken at face value.#so being sus of ltx beyond the point at which it was clear she wasn't some secret mastermind and wondering if chen bin was even possessed.#and I've ended up making assumptions without realising we're not actually shown it (re: presuming photo possession allowed control)#I think it's mainly just frustrating because in retrospect I can see the clues all lining up. it's not that it wasn't fair play.#the pieces were all there.#link click#link click spoilers#(for the tags :V)#And I'll be honest. Usually I just keep theorising to myself unless I'm super certain or enough other people think similarly#because sometimes I'm on point and can't explain why and other times I trust hunches and don't realise that's what I'm doing so get confuse#when suddenly a piece of media seems to 'contradict' itself. when it's actually just contradicting what I thought I'd inferred#just. taking a step back and trying to apply the simplest explanation that fits. applying common sense as to what fits within genre etc.#I feel really weird about meta-gaming theorising using stuff like current pacing etc but at the same time it's still data that's available#and as long as it's not stuff like idk an interview giving it all away I don't think it's necessarily 'cheating'?#(may delete later idk)
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drowley is so good because i read a fic years ago and instantly fell in love and proceeded to imagine them getting together and getting married in my imagination/daydreaming and proceeded to have them as my favorite ship for years.
#drowley#idk whst it is man but drowley...... it proceedes to have a hold on me even though i eant to get rid of it sometimes#Like NO it wouldnt realistically be rhe best ship because of all the baggage#the fics i read i should not have been reading at yhe age i was#and overall its not yhr superior ship from an objective pov.#But. i cant get rid of it.#i cant stop thinking about deans favorite thing being crowley slowly running his fingers up and down his back.#i camt get over dean loving to be laid on top of because it grounds him and crowley likes to use him as a pillow#i cant gr over late night dates to crappy bars or to the famciest restaurant to ever exist#i had years of thoughts on them to the point the thoughts will never go away and I'll always have the headcanons and ill always be stuvk#shipping them. Like other people this is destiel#right? and dont get me wrong. i also LOVE destiel but like.... the way others sre eith destiel is how i am with drowley#because i spent gears imagining them together and literally cried shile imagining them getting married YOU WILL NEVER UNDESTAMF THE EXTENT
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#this might be both oversharing and being too vague rn but it's 2am and i'm emotionally exhausted#i can't believe during one of the most traumatic moments i've had in the past year i was lucky enough to have scott as my biggest supporter#the entire time as i was going through it he was so supportive giving me space to process shit and always having my back#and yet there are some people in my life who are always going to villainize him for one comment he said during that time out of context#or even if they're not ''villainizing'' him i now feel like i have to begin every sentence about scott with#''yeah we don't agree on everything but we're still friends and isn't that amazing!''#which yeah that is true and i do genuinely enjoy when scott and i disagree and are respectful about it#BUT WHY DOES THAT HAVE TO BE THE FIRST THING I SAY ABOUT HIM????#and honestly that whole experience made me agree with scott on way more than i started out with#i'm proud of how i was able to grow as a person and for the fact that it brought me and scott much closer together#but that shit i went through at my college was still traumatic. and it did change me as a person#it completely changed my relationship to activism in a way i'm not happy about bc i want to be more of an activist#but when i had someone use social justice language to justify horrible things against me it's hard not to be wary#of how hollow and performative a lot of conversations can be#and like i'll even say it. like people might get mad at me for admitting it#but that whole traumatic situation has irrevocably changed my relationship to gender as well#or at least how i label myself and how i move through these conversations#and in some ways i'm grateful for it bc i do feel like i know myself more and like i don't have to worry about what others' think#or even what other people understand#but it shouldn't have had to go down like that. and as much as the time i got to spend with scott during that time was so much fun#and such a great experience and he was truly the perfect support system during that time#he shouldn't have had to deal with that and neither should i#and the fact that scott somehow got villainized in some people's minds while the person who actually caused that trauma#is instead treated like ''yeah he was a bit misguided and made a mistake but he was probably anxious about it!! he's just a person!!''#that's never going to stop being painful. especially the idea that with the importance people put on labels#i would supposedly have more ''community solidarity'' with that asshole than a cis gay man like scott#idk i think i'm past the timeframe of that traumatic experience bc it's not consuming every day like it used to a few weeks back#but something triggered it tonight so i just need to process it. anyway shoutout to scott for being there for me i really needed it
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emotional. happy, pissed off, all that.
#hzrn#im cool with being annoying hypothetically but the real kicker is that no form of communication exists that i can really use comfortably#every single form of communication out there. i can't use it. i can't fuckin talk bc the sounds are too hard.#i can't fuckin type bc the buttons are too hard.#i can't fucking body and hands bc motions are too hard.#i can't fucking art because art involves all those things.#damn fucking WORDS are too hard. i put so much work into them and i get nothing. nothing!#who made the world this way?! why is it that all communication and socialization is so. fucking. hard!!!!#i tried! i really really fuckin tried man! all last year i tried so so hard.#i fell FLAT on my face. NO ONE liked me. they called me a retard! they said i was scary‚ awkward‚ hard to be around!#they did coordinated social attacks on me! then when i come back to school this year and i even *think* about trying again‚ they say#'nobody wants him here. and he should stop caring'#well right about then‚ is where she gives up! she has closed her eyes‚ she has given up hope!#i gave up trying to exist socially at school. the two paths are being myself and getting bullied‚ or not being myself and getting nothing#today was a good day for me all in all but idk.#the only reason i dont hold grudges like crazy is because of my object impermanence shit#although this might as well count as a grudge. i think it's somewhat justified though‚ because in my case it's more like#if you hurt me seriously then i'll think about it pervasively until you do something to redeem yourself in my mind.#probably that's part of the reason im so scared of being myself and shit#this is probably the reason why im so scared of being myself. bc everytime i tried i got bullied‚ mocked‚ demeaned. and that shit piles up.#i just spend mosta my time not thinking about it! just like i spend mosta my time not thinking about who i am‚ my future‚ my past and on!#siiiigh. sigh sigh siiiiiiiiigh#it's ok to like this post by the way#in fact it's encouraged. im directly and clearly asking you to.#im not making this post for nothing. im making it in the hopes that someone will read what i said.#although really no one will. why the hell would anyone fucking read this. get fuckin real.#i know for certain i'll wake up tmrw with this at at maximum like. 1 like. 2 if im really the luckiest girl in the world.#and i know how i sound caring about likes and shit. but really all it tells me is someone read this. and i really fuckin need someone to re
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my (virtual) meeting with my thesis advisor is in... 7 hours. I'm sort of almost finished writing the exposé that I was supposed to write. sort of. I'll probably need another hour or two until I feel okay enough about it to actually get any sleep.
unfortunately my left arm is realllly starting to hurt and I can't lift it much anymore (thanks to the covid booster I got today). hopefully I'll get it done anyway. and hopefully the pain won't be so bad that I can't sleep.
#I mean. if I get... idk like 3-4 hours of sleep that should be enough#I only have to be awake until the meeting is over. then I'll probably go back to bed.#and that way if it goes really really badly I can escape from that by being asleep lol#I hope it'll be okay 😭 I'm so scared#but it's this... much more quiet subtle kind of scared. I never experienced that before the anxiety meds#so it feels weird.#I haven't even cried yet! no panic attacks or anything! there have been a few meltdowns but not specifically about this#so I have to keep reminding myself that this is fine! I can handle this! it used to be sooooo much worse and I somehow got through that too#so I will definitely get through this and it will be okay#after all - no matter what happens. I'll be done with uni in February. I won't have to speak to my advisor ever again (so if he thinks I'm a#fucking idiot it doesn't matter at all!)#this is far from the hardest thing I've done! I was my dad's carer. I got my driver's license (yes that was very hard for me). I was in#therapy. I lived in abusive households until I was 25! this is easy in comparison#it just feels hard because I can't stand the feeling of being judged. and this is. just. me being judged (for what I write)#but it will be okay and I'll never write anything like this ever again and I'll get a break and I'll find a job I don't hate and it'll all#be worth it#personal#posts about my thesis
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