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online friends... and a tutor // kaedehara kazuha x reader (highschool au)
-`♡´- pairing : kaedehara kazuha x reader
-`♡´- summary : when reader gets assigned a tutor to help her with math, some secret identities get revealed
-`♡´- warnings : math | idk nothing
-`♡´- notes : this was written when i was crushing on my now ex ;-; but this was also something people loved on my old blog so repost! i hate math, scored 2.7/10 on my recent exam
dont translate, modify or repost my work. you do not have permission
Ping!
Your face brightened up as you heard your phone go off, you were glad the classroom was already full of noise so the teacher hopefully didn’t notice.
Hey what you up to?
Hiii!! Nothing much, just waitig for class to end tbh, wby?
waiting**
In class AND on your phone? Are you trying to get into detention, my dear?
Not that I should be talking, I’m doing the same.
Yk I can’t just ignore you, that’d be mean
I’d be worse if you got detention again, dummy.
You bit your lip to stop yourself from smiling. It had been what? Six months since you met this stranger online? It didn’t take more than two weeks before you became inseparable. Socials were shared soon enough, though neither of yours showed anything but pretty pictures or fit-checks. You knew he was in the same school year as you, though he was a year older because of an early birthday. But you had no idea where in the world he lived, he was more secretive about that but you did figure out that you were in the same time zone. You didn’t really mind, you liked figuring him out on your own and he didn’t mind that either.
Would be worth it tbh.
Read 14:38 PM
Kadeh? You alright? Don’t tell me they took your phone LMAO
Delivered.
“[Name], busted.” your english teacher stood in front of you, and as he said, you got busted. “I know you’d much rather be texting your boyfriend but c'mon.” he held his hand up, signaling for you to hand your phone to him.
“He’s not my boyfriend.”
“Sure, sweetheart.” he rolled his eyes at you before standing straight again. “This is three times, that means detention. Go to classroom sixteen at four o’clock, I’ll be there.”
You let out a deep breath, of course you got busted, you jinxed it, and now you both lost your phone for the day and got detention.
“Girl, sooner or later he will get bored of you and drop contact.” your friend said, “You know that’s what happens with all online friends.” you looked at her and tried your best not to slap her.
She’s right, you know. One part of you thought, while the other protested. No, she isn’t. Kadeh wouldn’t do that!
You turned your head around and ignored her for the rest of the day.
“Hey teach,” you entered classroom sixteen a bit before four o’clock, walking up to your English teachers’ desk to sign off your name on the detention list. Your eyes scanned the paper for other names.
Childe. Reason: disrespectful behavior. Of course he’d say something stupid.
Itto. Reason: disturbing class even after two warnings. Nothing new
Chongyun. Reason: talking through my lesson with Xingqiu. Of course, the cute freshmen couple.
Xingqiu. Reason: talking through my lesson with Chongyun.
[Name]. Reason: texting during class. Sigh.
Yoimiya. Reason: disturbing class even after two warnings. That rarely happened, she must’ve been excited over something.
Kazuha. Reason: texting during class. Seemed like she wasn't the only one today.
Cyno. Reason: playing cards with Kaveh during class. Tcg obsessed assholes.
Kaveh. Reason: playing cards with Cyno during class.
“Sir, could I have some blank papers? I filled up my notebook during my last class.'' He handed you some and you turned around to find a seat where you’d be sitting for the next hour. You found a spot next to the window behind Yoimiya, who smiled at you. You watched the others come in, Cyno and Kaveh going straight to the back of the room, Childe sat in the row next to Yoimiya and the two started chatting away, Itto moved to the spot right besides the door, Xingqiu and Chongyun were in the front, and finally the last student entered the room. Kazuha, you didn’t share any classes with him, you were in classes one, and he was in two. Meaning you’d never gotten the chance to properly meet over the last few years.
You knew him from walking around in the hallways, standing in line behind him in the cafeteria, small shared smiles and awkward nods as you locked eyes with him during lunch. After he signed off his name he walked to take the seat beside you.
“So I wasn’t the only one caught texting today.” he joked as he sat down, holding out his hand, “Kaedehara Kazuha,”
Seemed like today was the day you finally got introduced to him.
You fell down on your bed with your phone in hand.
Kadeh? You alright? Don’t tell me they took your phone LMAO
Guess what? They did, and detention.
MINE TOO BYE AND THEN TEACH PUT ME IN DETENTION AS WELL
So you WERE trying to get into detention, huh? Pfft I didn’t realize I had made friends with a bad girl.
You just told me you got into detention as well and you’re calling me bad? Your teachers are just as bad as mine, or you’re just as bad as covering your schemes as me.
I promise you, my dear, I am not bad at covering up my secrets.
You must have a lot of them then.
How ‘bout you come find out?
You giggled at his texts, he never failed to make you do so. As you rolled off your bed to grab your homework and laptop you heard your phone buzz a couple of times, and coming back to your bed you checked your messages.
No worries tho, I’m not THAT bad.
I don’t sell drugs or guns or stuff like that
I just get into detention for giving my sweet girl the attention she deserves.
Which is totally worth it except when they take my phone and I CAN'T text you.
Whoops sorry was gettrng my books and laptop
You not respondfing within a minure basically menas your phone got taken, and possibly got detention too. Or you’re passed out on your couch
But I gotta go, well not that i wnat ot but i have math homework that i have to make otheriwse theyll assign me a tuotr and i dont want htha
Fuck ym grammar oml
No need to apologize dummy
But go make your homework, I won’t disappear
“[Name] your test results weren’t great. I see no other choice but to assign you a tutor to help you out ‘till the end of term.” you stared at your math teacher in defeat. You knew you weren’t great at math, but Kadeh had explained the difficult things to you since the guy was amazing at basically everything.
“Is there really no other thing? Something that doesn’t include a tutor.”
“Yes. You paying attention.” he looked back at you before grabbing another paper from his desk. “Let’s see, it says here that Kaedehara Kazuha is available, you good with that?”
That wasn’t the worst person, he was pretty chill to you ever since you met in detention. The awkward nods and smiles now turned into small conversations and hello’s, with still the smiles. “Yeah sure, fine by me.” “Great, just go to the library after your last class and you’ll probably find him there.”
They gave me a fucking tutor.
Turns out my test didn’t go as well as i thought it went.
Ughughughughguhgughugh
Why me.
Read 11:32 PM
As you were about to type your next message your head and later body hit something–someone.
“Ouch!” your hand flew up to your head and the books in your hand fell to the floor, where your phone already was.
“I’m so sorry, please. Are you okay?” you knew that voice and you looked up to meet Kazuha’s eyes. You nodded in return, crouching to gather your books and phone.
“Though my screen protector is less fine,” you laughed as you saw it shattered, your messages with Kadeh gone blurry due to the cracks. “Are you alright?” looking at him he sat down beside you to help you with your books. “I am, no worries. I was just texting my f–someone. Where’d your bag go?” he said, standing up with some of your books in his hands and offering you the other; which you gladly took. “My friend's bag broke, and I just had these few books so I gave her mine. Besides, I got a spare tote in my locker.” you reached out to take the books from him, but he turned around and started walking.
“I’ll walk with you, can’t let a pretty girl carry these heavy books alone now can I?”
You laughed at him while shaking your head, a slight blush coming to your cheeks.
“Did you hear the news already? My math teacher assigned you as my tutor.” quickly changing the subject you walked to your locker as he followed behind like a lost puppy.
“Yes, I saw the email come in. Wanna meet in the library after class?”
You agreed as you opened your locker and placed your books inside. You grabbed the spare tote bag and threw in your economy books and art supplies for your next few classes. “Sounds good, and thank you and sorry.”
He winked and turned around to his next class.
Okayhe isn’t hat bad
Excudr my grammsr my screen protecotr broke cuase i bumpedi nto him and ym stuff fell
No worries, dear.
See, I told you it’d be fine. Now you have someone that can explain it to you one on one, instead of over dms.
Kazuha looked back over his shoulder to see [name] typing away on her phone, and at the same time his phone was exploding.
Yes but youre jsut better yoou know.
I meani dk him yet idk how he ‘teahces’.
What if i dontunderstandh im?
Yk i odnt like telling people i odnt understand.
It’ll be fine, dear. You just go to his lessons, pretend to understand, then afterwards you talk to me about it and I’ll explain some more if needed. Sound good?
Thnak you kadeh ilysm
I love you too, my dear.
A small smile danced over her features and she scrunched up her nose in adoration. No way that his best friend and lowkey crush, which was strange since he’d never seen her face, was this cute girl from school who he was now going to tutor.
Gotta go to my nect class, i htae economy ugh.
Goodluck sweetheart, you can do it!
Oh fuck.
“So mister Kaedeh–” you cut yourself off and giving the blonde before you a suspicious look before continueing, “Kaedehara Kazuha, how you think you’ll be able to make the math math for me?”
“By showing you how to think logically.”
You rolled your eyes and smiled before throwing your bag on the floor. As you sat down you checked your phone to check if you got a message from Kadeh or not, and when you saw none you shut your phone down.
“Let’s get started then.”
Twenty minutes later you were solving equations that gave you headaches before. Now it all seemed to make a lot of sense and with Kazuha’s help you were on a streak. He looked proudly as you moved on to the fifth one with no trouble, you raised your writing arm to your face to inspect the equation on the paper, and before Kazuha could ask if you were alright you were already writing again. Every now and then you’d furrow your brows, pout a little, or bite on your lip as you studied the paper. When you were finished you gave Kazuha the sheet of paper with a smile and he started to correct it, explaining how to do certain things faster for example. Sometimes you’d nod, other times you’d give him a strange look to which he just laughed before explaining.
Safe to say that you walked away from the extra math lesson with a lot more knowledge and confidence, and a new friend.
Okay okay he isnt that bad at explaining. I actually understand it now and i was on a roll, or well he said that.
After he explained soem thigns eh had me make about fifteen questions, after he corrected them and explainedw what i did wrong and how ic an do other thigns differently so itll be faster.
I actually understnasd
I told you it wouldn’t be that bad, dear. I’m proud of you, I know you did great.
Next time im meetng him is enxt week thursday, same time.
We agreed to meet every week same time until end semester cuase thats what teach said.
Yeah, not that bad right? Just once a week cannot hurt. And he doesn’t seem like the worst type of guy.
He isn’t no, he has a calming aura, its nice to be arounf him. Hes prety too ngl
Thugh some people at school spread some odd rumors aboit him
Liek that he sells weed and sht.
Oh well even if eh does idc he expains math like a pro.
Anyways imma head home, no driving and texting. Talk soon!! Loveyou
Drive safe, sweetheart. I love you too.
Kazuha stayed in the library for a while longer. When [name] was leaving she was already typing away on her phone, and mere seconds later his phone started exploding. Reading her texts made him sit in silence for a bit before responding. He was now certain that she was his online best friend. She told him the things he told her and it all just added up. He threw his head back as he looked at the ceiling that was painted to resemble the night sky.
Not before long he saw Heizou and his mob of dark red hair above him.
“What happened? Why are you slouching?”
Kazuha sighed as he sat up.
“I think my best friend may be in this school.”
“Uh yeah, hello, here I am right in front of ya, buddy.”
Kazuha looked at Heizou desperately.
“Oh shit, you mean [online name]? What? How? Why? What?!”
“I tutor this girl, [name]. This morning I bumped into her while I was texting [online name], she was busy on her phone too. I didn’t receive any messages from her when [name] and i bumped into each other, but she was typing. Then I offered to walk her to her locker and carry her books because she lent her own to her friend. She dropped her economy books into her new bag. Later [online name] texted me she had economy class, and that she hated it.” Kazuha started at the wall as he spoke mindlessly.
“Yeah okay… But those can all just be coincidences, you know.”
“Then just now when she was leaving she was typing away on her phone, and seconds later [online name] started messaging me. Then she told me how her tutor told her she was on a roll, I told [name] that! Then she said that there were some rumors about her tutor, that he sells weed. People say I sell weed! I don’t but they say it!”
Heizou just stared at him for ten seconds before his mind came up with a master plan that goes as follows.
The next time [online name] is texting him Heizou will sneak up on [name] and look on her phone, if it’s who she thinks is Kadeh then the mission is a success, and if not then Kazuha’s heart will calm down.
And so the following day Heizou stood behind [name] with another friend of his, just ‘talking’. As Kazuha gave the sign she was typing, Heizou looked over her shoulder to see what she was writing.
Yeah! I genuenly cannot wait for summer either ughhh
Heizou and his friend bolted back to Kazuha when she sent it and he snatched the phone from his hands.
Yeah! I genuenly cannot wait for summer either ughhh
He looked Kazuha dead in the eye before giving him his phone back.
“Go get your girl, loverboy.”
Four weeks had passed since that day. Four weeks, four Thursdays, four tutor lessons. [Name] realized that Kazuha was acting differently lately. She would catch him staring at her during those lessons, or even more often during lunch break. She would always give him her sweetest smile, and he’d return it before breaking eye contact with a small chuckle. Their friends started noticing too, there was some sort of tension with someone in the cafeteria but they couldn’t place who.
It took another week before Kazuha decided to just go for it. He knew [name] was already in the library because her last class had been dismissed early. So when he saw her curled up on one of the couches, his heart melted. His phone vibrating in his pocket let him know she was texting him, some personalized do not disturb setting that let only her messages through.
He grabbed his phone and sent her a quick text, ignoring the things she had said before.
I cant reply rn, I have to tutor someone.
You tutor???@?@!! You never told me
There’s more I haven’t told you.
Like what?
Look up, sweet girl
You looked up in confusion and locked eyes with Kazuha. Your eyes widened and your mouth fell open. Looking back at your phone, then back at Kazuha tears came to your eyes.
“Hello, my dear” he softly smiled as he took a slow step towards you, cupping your cheeks as tears were seconds away from falling. “You’re–” your bottom lip started trembling as you buried your face into his chest, one of his hands coming to hold your head as the other held your back, slowly brushing up and down. “I hate you–but I don’t. You–”
You felt his chest vibrate, letting you know he was laughing. You gripped at his shirt–which you now realized was the shirt you’d seen a thousand times before on his instagram.
“Who knew the sweetest girl in town,” he dropped his head to talk right next to your ear, “was actually my sweet girl?” He felt you trying to bury yourself even deeper into his chest. “No no, sweetheart, you need oxygen.” With that you pulled back, your big eyes staring back at him, a little bloodshot and your cheeks all red. “Not funny,” you whispered, “You don’t wanna know how much I was hoping you were actually living in my town, went to school here and I don’t know. I’d be happy if that were the case unless you were Childe.” tears came back to your eyes. “And what if it was me?” he rested his forehead against yours, looking you directly into your eyes. Blood rushed to your cheeks as you replied.
“Then I’m afraid that I won’t be able to stop myself from falling for you–Kadeh–even harder.”
One moment you were talking and smiling, looking directly into the male's eyes. The next you were processing what was happening as his lips collided with yours.
“Even in real life you seem to have a processing time to what I say or do.” he said when he pulled back.
“Can you blame me? Look at yourself.” Kazuha swore he saw hearts in your eyes before you closed them again and pulled him back to you, lips once again meeting each other.
“No, I can’t. But you, my dear sweet girl, are even more breathtaking than I imagined you’d be.”
“Mister Kaedehara and Miss [name]! Detention!”
-`♡´--`♡´--`♡´--`♡´--`♡´--`♡´--`♡´--`♡´--`♡´--`♡´--`♡´--`♡´-
dont forget to like and reblog <3
#kazuha#genshin impact#genshin#kazuha genshin#kaedehara kazuha#kazuha x reader#kazuha x you#kaedehara x reader#kaedehara kazuha x reader#genshin x reader#genshin impact x reader
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Passing from shadow territory to arcane was not an easy journey.
Nestled between the two god's domains was the land of plague. The Scarred Wasteland and it's pestulant heart that beats kn the middle was not a place for the weak, it's denizens reveling in strength gained through strife. Disease and death was celebrated, at least in the sense that it uplifted those who survived the trials Plaguebringer inflicted on the land.
On the bright side, the skies had a consistent weather. Dry and warm, with no storms to contend with.
On the downside, being skybound did not save you from the constant wars that further scarred the wasteland. Beast on beast, dragon on dragon, leaving the sanctuary of a clan meant placing yourself on the forefront of an all out war. It truly was survival of the fittest, where wings of monstrous beings could easily blot out the sky as they descended on you. Indeed, brigands hungry for resources and plague ridden avians were constant threats to skyfairing ships.
Stars Aligned was by no means a fragile ship. She was sturdy, perhaps ready for war in another life, outfitted with a hard metal shell and a steel cage around her air balloons. Wing shredder ballistas lined the sides, ready for use against those who dared enter a dog fight with her. The weakness, Though, is her heavy set made her slower than lighter ships and slower yet compared to rogue dragons. She must be prepared.
The Sanctum of the Outcasts was the only stop for weeks around, and was one Rataskorn was fond of. In her days running wild with mirror packs, she could remember nipping at the heels of it's defenders when she was a spry pup, and recalled it's location well. Most would discredit the mirror's intelligence, but her memory was unmatched: she stood on the balcony of the ship, excitedly pointing every which way as she recalled even the smallest details of her life in the abiding boneyard.
So much fighting. So much blood. Good times.
The great airship touched down not far from the Sanctum, finding no trouble for parking in the endless space that stretched around it. Rataskorn bounded off, the voices of her peers making their to-do lists sounding like distant static to her. Her mind was long set. She knows what she must do!
She must find a suitable gift of the wastes for her beloved mate! This is more important than life itself. Yes, Hraes loved her sparklies and shinies. Shadow dragons enjoyed trinkets and curios, like the strange black birds that pecked at bodies. Yes, just like them! Like a strange black bird…
With dreams of Hraes wearing raven's wings, the mirror sped off across the arid land, the faraway cry of someone telling her to wait falling on deaf ears. Merchants of the Bazaar beware: a bull was coming for your glass shops.
#noodle doodles#Adventures of Stars Aligned#worldbuilding wednesday#idk if i should @ people when i do this like what if they get note spammed
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I'll be honest the whole argument about it being imperative that the gang never "wins" is still so fucking stupid to me. did you watch 3x01 with your eyes closed. dennis has "won" before, and it ruled, actually. why do we need broad ass arguments like this trying to pin down sunny when there's like. countless examples to the contrary to show it's been like this the whole time.
#i swear its only an issue when people want to use it to justify their opinion but its always so easily countered by just. watching the show#ada speaks#is dee day not an issue to y'all because dee 'deserves' her win#its such a weird fucking thing to be mad about#i agree there should be consequences when the gang do something shitty. BUT#what the fuck did dennis do wrong in dtamhd that he needs to be punished for#personal victories are not uncommon for the gang?#do you think mac coming out shoukd have netted him a punishment#do you have a problem with the note s15 ended on when the gang came together for charlie#there are so many examples like. not EVERYTHING has to come back around and bite them in the ass#when they do something awful. yes. sure. but its ridiculous to expect some twist for everything#they get off scot free constantly and that's. kind of the point. money and privilege and the art of not giving a fuck#idk. idk. but its so stupid to me that this is a complaint going around NOW like we don't have 15 prev seasons
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One thing that I will never get over was the influx of people in the Sims community who actively rallyed against disabilities being included in the sims because it was "too sad"
Like jesus fucking christ
#ableism#i think#note i am like able bodied so like i wasn't like the psrt disabled community who was directly blasted by this#but like thats still gross man#like seeing people being like “its too sad to see disabled people in game because what if they are helpless little babys#like they didn't want to see blind people to like burn alive in their own homes which????? like thats suchs a wild like claim its bizarre#which like i understand its sad but like being trans is sad- being lbgt+ is sad but that doesn't mean the sims should exclude them#like even if the sims gets something as simple as a trait that makes it harder to communicate as the speech disability rep#then i would love it of how like non visable speaking difficultys are in media#like it doesn't even have to be like a big like single trait#i do think making one big trait to repressent all disabitys would be bad#but even if its more “mini traits” like the trouble speaking then i think they could pull it off#(also did we forget the insane trait existence and how they basically did a whole fuck you when insane was still in the game)#idk this is a rant sorry#sims 4
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i'm so glad i won't be working with my pi after this month. i think i've reached my limit. i just can't deal with her anymore
#she said 'oh idk if i can make it to your thesis'#SHE IS ON MY THESIS COMMITTEE. SHE'S KNOWN ABOUT THIS FOR A YEARRRRRR#she said she might be on vacation w her bf... instead of going to my fucking thesis defense.#there was a special vote just so she could be on my committee. wdym you have to go on vacation#ALSO i've been asking her to check my calculations for a thing for MONTHS#and she still hasn't. but she made me present on it in front of a bunch of people.#i'd like to note that this calculation is like. the point of my thesis. and she hasn't even bothered to look at it#she forced the interns to work 50 hours last week. they're only being paid for 40.#she hasn't read any part of my thesis... others have but they don't know the details like she does#i told her to read my fucking thesis and she said she had and that it 'looked good'#what does that mean. WHAT does that mean. how do you have no comments. on my thesis. that determines whether i graduate#and then she said i'm ''irresponsible'' bc i went to a concert???#like it didn't affect anything. i showed up to work on time. i completed everything i meant to.#but i guess going to one concert is like. unacceptable.#i'm sooooo sorry i decided to go have fun for one night instead of agonizing about my thesis (that again. she hasn't read)#she asked if i want to give a talk at the new place she got hired at but she now works for fus#which is a incredibly conservative homophobic private catholic university. i've never heard anything positive about it#like they're legally allowed to discriminate against lgbt people... does she know what i fucking look like????#she's so so conservative but she only interacts with other conservative catholics#and doesn't understand how fucking vile her views are. and she wonders why people don't like her#like maybe she should shut the fuck up about how she thinks abortion is a sin at work!!#she once said 'the only time i feel uncomfortable in my skin is when i talk about being a conservative catholic at work'#AND THEN SHE SAID 'it really makes me understand how hijabis feel'#IN FRONT OF MY HIJABI COLLEAGUE. HELLO???? like she is not persecuted for being a conservative catholic#i literally started laughing when she said that. i think i said 'please get real'. and she's still mad#anyway. my colleague decided to no longer work with my pi. idk if it was bc of that comment#she mentioned that once i leave there won't be anyone who understands the data on the project anymore#like yeah. maybe you should've looked at the data. like at all#and not had an unpaid master's student do literally all the work for you
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Hello hello! Just wanted to say I spotted the James Naremore minibook analyzing "Sweet Smell of Success" at the BFI shop last week and obviously had to get it because you have indoctrinated me into having this movie on permanent standby in my brain (many thanks for this). Have you read it before?
i haven’t read in depth any of naremore’s scholarship or listened to his commentary track - i’ve skimmed it enough to get the crux of his interpretations. to be fully honest, i don’t engage with most scholarship surrounding the film these days. my opinion/analysis is pretty fully formed by this point and unwavering. but i think it’s a good document to have for people who are interested!
#asks#to be fully honest. most scholars i go back and forth on with regards to this movie. there’s interpretations i really don’t agree with#and instead of get into the nitty gritty of all that bullshit i’ve instead focused almost exclusively on THE text to form my own interp.#idk i think people praise naremore for the access he had to the early versions of the scripts#but i think it’s important to note that critics like him and david thomson are not like. experts. they’re just critics forming their own#interpretations. and i think a lot of people cite them as utmost authorities when they should steer away from doing so#lol sorry this is a really long winded way of dancing around what i’m too polite to say LMAO#didn’t mean to get into that. it’s a good resource and i hope you enjoy it!
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(genderly) chill as hell if i was only ever glimpsed / detected like this
#Shrouded In A Rectangle neither sleeves nor an open front to be besieged with? yes#just doing whatever else like doesn't matter. tee cargo shorts which is my best guess rn of my ideal outfit. + sandals Absolutely#unfortunately my hair could never do that. somehow neither am i yet like forties fifties? have i not been at this for eons?#i Can be like uh let's just nobody talk to me i'm busy pensively perceiving truths that you don't ever actually wanna hear about#just the other day it was like hey....a [way Having To Talk could be a difficulty / problem] was under my nose in this lifelong pattern#certainly noticing the Verbal Exchange Demand heaped upon burnout as like [delay delay delay struggle weariness stress]#but also who knows like spent plenty of time just probably indeed Not having to have such exchanges while burned out. not noting them#anyway like this isn't even [dysphoric Ideal Outfit until i could [whatever supposed even more ideal than that gender euphoria]]#though shoutout to that but like nah get shrouded anyway. the only [how do i look] im motivated to consider is: when it's a costume#when it's just me it's like. i guess whatever pants and a comfortable enough tee. need glasses. hair's w/e so cut quite short ig#might accessorize w/things that are fun to me like hey yeah yknow i might want a calculator watch#[yea as a kid it was like :( im actively appreciating the animals supposedly Gross or Bad] if i had hated little friends Sure yaay#if i had disorienting light effects like a pelagic creature. but you don't even need that. like hey i'm nd in real life. i got it#chat i'm in the walls too bestie lmao. if only my bigfoot pose reference Step was this good#tl;dr long rephrasing of my being like; now the gender slay....#& nodding & Noting when [worksheet exercise: what's your gender euphoria look?] is like shrug idk. but this is serving maximally to me; so#going Chat how can i up my uncanny stats. looking up ''isn't it like Uncanny knowledge e.g. so like why not....canny''#but i think the un canny is the Uncanniness Accuser's perspective. not of My ken. your literal weird one maybe#so again apt to be like jk i'm just autistic & shit; i got it....horror shit challenge impossible: Don't have sm typical mundane#[disability moment] as like Unsettling danger/malice cues. challenge impossible; again#subverted here like as [horror holding hands touching foreheads w/comedy] w/o Rescinding just casual disabled behavior/qualities#just remembered like three witches weird sisters etc macbeth. weird uncanny soothsaying gendering. word#anyway i should be shrouded (made no any connection whenever i put the blanket now over my head & shoulders in place min ago)#perhaps the real Ideal Look insight: i do not have any way i wish to be observed by people. secret passages / removed room anytime
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transfem furries hornyposting online about the relatively niche/"out there" things they're into have inadvertently helped me accept myself more than the body positivity movement of the 2010s ever did
#this will not be rebloggable because i don't want people to get transmisogynistic in the notes#it's just something i've been thinking about lately#i hope i'm not like out of line for saying this please let me know if i say anything disrespectful#i just have a lot of love in my heart for transfems; especially those who log on to this website to be gay on my dash and do their thing#trans wlw being proud of their identities helped me come to terms with my own in a way. idk how to properly explain it but#idk. our experiences are very different - you have to fight to be seen as a woman and i have to fight not to#(though that is part of my identity in most cases people would use it to negate the rest)#(and of course none of us should Have to fight that but. i hope it's clear what i mean lol)#and idk like. womanhood is not achieved painlessly for you and yet so many of you embrace it so beautifully and in so many ways#it makes me want to accept that part of myself i thought i had to kill for so long#i am not entirely a woman but i love being a woman and loving other women-#platonically romantically sexually it doesn't matter#i'm so grateful i get to share a community with you all and read/hear/watch your thoughts and experiences and such#which goes beyond sex stuff but sex stuff is a particular personal struggle of mine and it's something i've been trying to cultivate a more#healthy relationship to lately. and i also know that unfortunately transfems get treated even worse than everyone else when it comes to#kinks or whatever. i don't mean to imply that everyone has to be open about that stuff. i just mean that i'm grateful for those who bravely#and proudly are. anyway i'm losing my train of thought bc i'm packing for a trip and i'm a little scattered atm but the point is#transfem wlw i love you dearly thank you for existing#[oh also this post isn't meant to bash body positivity stuff and i know it's not all the same. it just often felt too sanitized and forced#for me to relate to. ok bye]#finielspeaks
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I was always under the impression that you are Dutch.... Succesful dutchification
ah huh! i have fooled another one (jk jk).
i am not, i am very much still a humble australian, last time i checked. and unless this ancestry dna test on my desk proves anything otherwise, i remain very much Not Dutch.
#i do think something to note is i have never actually um. claimed to be dutch.#people have always just assumed !?#i am Never beating the allegations people are shocked when i say im not dutch#my dutchification actually intrigues me and i think it should be studied for science#like i fully understand that the netherlands is a Choice but here is my bed i made so i will go and sleep in it#there is a reason i keep that ask pinned on here.#even when i let my mutual who knows who she is read goud i mentioned how i avoided mentioning anne-fleur and merel's high school years#like in depth. bc like. i dont know and thats complex and i could research it but its better not to#it also means i would have had to choose what high school type they went to like ? i have an idea but i didnt wanna do that#anyways long story short she was like to me 'yeah i think you know more than you let on based on this alone'#even though i avoided it because ... i didnt really#anyways idk why thats relevant right now but it came to my mind#but i think that alone is also a sign of success n the dutchification department#now all i need to do is get back into learning dutch and we swell.#also funny is that i can pinpoint the start of my dutchifcation to 2020 and now its been weird to see a bunch of joost fans#essentially go through what i did#i see my past self in some of them. its weird#thanks for the ask i chuckled
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Cannot find my older post about it (tbh I didn't try very hard) but honestly I am so tired of people trying to pretend like there's any sort of consistency to "cis women getting a nose job is evil and NOT feminist. However all transsexual surgery is Holy Holy Holy". It's truly not surprising how often people end up reblogging from like, actual tradcaths about "modern women ruining their natural feminine beauty" or whatever. I've said this all before so I don't wanna repeat myself but obviously this does not mean "you cannot critique what drives people (cis or trans) to get 'plastic surgery'" or "women's choices exist in a vacuum" (although I would roll back some of the extreme performative hatred for women who make The Bad Not Feminist Choices), but it DOES mean "stop pretending like there's any sort of actual distinction between Cis Plastic Surgery (bad) and Trans 'Gender-Affirming' Surgery (good) that does not fully rely on the medicalization of being transgender" and it ALSO means "stop pretending to care about bodily autonomy when what you really mean is 'people can do things with their bodies I think are cool and good, but not things that I don't like. Those things should literally be banned, that's how we will save women'"
#i've Definitely said this before but bodily autonomy is not just the tumblr leftist transSEXual commune smoking and getting abortions or w/e#it's also all the things you don't like. it's also all the things you think are frivolous. it's also all the things you think are harmful#idk toooo many terfs have come into my notes to tell me that transgender surgery is equivalent to eating disorders#or 'transracial' plastic surgery or Literal Self-Mutilation or whatever that i'm done pretending#i'm not going to do the Noooo it's different! this is Medically Necessary surgery to treat the mental illness that makes me trans <3#thing i'm Done. there is no definitive line between 'cosmetic surgery' and 'gender-affirming surgery'#and if it's either have both or have neither i think it's pretty obvious which one we should choose#open mick night#gender#idk you familiarize yourself with enough anti-trans anti-drug anti-kink and etc talking points and all this starts to#leave a bad taste in your mouth lol#when i say you can do WHATEVER you want forever i do mean it. even if the things are harmful or politically reductive or whatever#you can Leftist Critique it but you cannot even for one second start to fall into the 'and this is why women should Not Be Allowed To-' tra#bc as always. what's ur reasoning? you find it morally wrong? what other medical procedures do people find morally wrong? regarding women?
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I'm writing AGAAAAAAIN
And it's TRRAAAAAAASH
But I don't CAAAAAAARE
Because it's FUUUUUUNN
#What is wrong with you Sam you should not be allowed to write#I guess sometimes you just have to resign yourself to writing extremely trashy rarepair AUs that will only appeal to like three people#It is The Way#Y'all motherfuckers don't care about Chricky?! WELL GUESS WHAT after I'm done with this...you will continue to not care about Chricky!!#But I'll be happy! 😀#On a more serious note I am dubious about the quality of this writing#Methinks this second chapter is going to expose how out of my depth I am with this AU 😬#But I've wanted to write a proper multi-chapter fic for a long time now since it's been forever#And against all odds it's *this* idea that I've thought about the most and have something resembling a story taking shape in my mind#And it's FUUUUUUUUN for me at least so maybe that's all that matters?#Still need to actually complete that outline though#And perhaps a separate doc just to catalogue all of the superfluous smut ideas I have in mind for this fic#When I say I've thought about this AU too much and have an embarrassing amount of ideas for it I mean it baybeeeeee#And at this point it's like...I almost don't care if it's bad? Like what'll happen if it sucks - am I gonna get sued LOL#So perhaps I should just Do The Thing and not worry about whether The Thing is Good or not#IDK these tags are out of control STFU Sam JEEEEEZ
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went to my first con in 4 years on Friday to meet Kaiji Tang and got a Dazai autograph + video recording of him reading to me. He was the sweetest person (as I knew he would be) and interacting with him was lovely, but also at the same time oh boy it sure was an extremely stressful, ugly wake-up call of what it feels like to live in a world now where everyone around you has blissfully moved on from covid and can enjoy things normally and happily, while you'll forever be trapped in a hellscape of perpetual fear 🫠🫠🫠
#like. to be clear this was the first time i've been literally anywhere but doctor's appointments in 4 years#not just because of the pandemic but because of mental and physical exhaustion#so it was a Big Mistake to go from 0 to 100 and not ease myself into it at all#but at the same time........ it was a fucking hellscape of people. i don't think any kind of buildup could have prepared me for it at all.#it was so much less crowded in 2020 (ironically the very last place i ever went; literally on the BRINK of covid)#and now idk what it's become. a monster con. it was unbelievable.#but i was only there for less than an hour but i was so so so terrified that i very nearly left before even seeing him#i couldn't even fully enjoy meeting him as kind as he was because i was so anxious and distracted#and when i got back to the car i just fucking cried.........#the last five days i've just been sitting in fear waiting to feel Any sort of symptoms#i wore two masks and again was barely there for long but Still#and everyone around me was so chill as if everything was normal and No One was wearing a mask :))))) it's not fucking fair man :)))))#insert the 'they don't know' meme; they don't know how much covid can destroy your body even if you get a 'mild' case#i would never want to be that ignorant even if i wasn't disabled and didn't have reason to worry (but everyone has reason to worry!!!)#but also. ignorance is bliss and it just really fucking sucks man.#it really fucking sucks. why do they get to be happy and enjoying life and not /me?/#why can't i do just ONE thing for myself without having it tainted by anxiety and fear that i'm going to die horribly???#while they get to do fucking EVERYTHING???#if they all just wore masks we could all enjoy ourselves much more comfortably than some of us are now#but no that's too much to ask from people 🙃🙃🙃#shit sucks man. the world sucks. something that should be a happy memory for me was simultaneously the most awful experience#and i don't know how to feel about it now that it's over#he knew that i was afraid and at the end he told me that he hoped to see me again at another event someday#and that made me cry because it felt like dazai telling me to live. and i want to. but i don't know how to when the world is like this now.#i desperately want to be able to see him again someday but right now after how terrifying that was i never want to go to a con ever again..#i wanted to ask him things about the manga and about dazai but i was being rushed and stressed so i couldn't ugh#(and doing that is hard enough anyway cause disability and i have to talk with my phone bahhhh)#at least i was able to give him my note *sigh*
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Idk if you guys realize how mentally unwell you look when you unironiclaly upload to the internet a post where you spit a pre-chewed opinion criticizing group A for saying "Group B must die violently because they deserve it" and then end up with a "and that's why Group A must die violently because they deserve it"
#i understand by now that yall arent interested in learning and educating yourselves and are just parroting what you read on twitter but#do you think you could like. at least make a midly sensible statment#as in when you denounce people for dehumanizing others by dehumanizing them yourself you look stupid#i have seen a few times already ppl calling out the ''theyre animals and must be exterminated like pests'' statments very logically#because that's an insane thing to say#and then add their final note about how they think the ppl who said that are animals and must be exterminated like pests#you guys understand you do not get to choose who deserves to be treated like a person or not right you do understand#that youre mirroring the very same behavior you claim to be against because the people saying it are not in ''your'' side#at best you look ridiculous and at worse i consider you highly unsafe to be around#idk if yall are trying really hard to make ppl around you know youre super in touch w minorities in pain and shit#but its absolutely not working. you should try not doing the same thing that is being used against them#for starters
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unfortunately im a chaser for cis dickgirls that arent so invested in transmisogyny. the harder they are to find, the more precious they become, and the more of a chaser i become
#i need a fat broad with autism and a critical approach to gender#god i hate how you cant say that without it being a dogwhistle for reactionary transmisogyny as opposed to critical thinking#this feels like before my time cause ppl were already using the term by the early 2010s#but whats going on with critical race theory atm has a similar possible end#not that it starts to represent some particular fringe group invested in some other form of structural violence#but that it becomes more and more meaningless and putting the terms race and critical together becomes more difficult#i dont know why this post turned into a tag commentary on robbing black people of language but here we are#trying to be abrasive with other trans lesbians is hard to do without getting distracted#and just being honest about observations#also the more i think about it i dont want to make that kind of commentary about racism just for the drama#that post about hypervisibility wasnt supposed to get a hundred notes lol#i dont think i should be playing chicken like this so much or at least give it a limit idk#at least not when i chose to engage the world that way#honesty or just existence as a trans woman is already a game of chicken#fml these tags are like twice as long now
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SAY IT WITH ME: EXTREMELY BAD TECH CULT 💛🥺⌚️🩸🖤
#Solid State#Solid State Webtoon#Webtoon#Just a little note I learned it’s pronounced WONDER and not like… WINDER… (idk why I thought it was that)#No matter how it’s pronounced DIAN’S CONSCIOUSNESS SHOULD GET OUT OF IT#HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO GO UP AGAINST THE SYSTEM WHEN YOU’VE REDUCED ME TO ONE PERSON AGAINST LIKE 500 MILLION#Jamilah going from 🥺 to 😡😡😡 in like two seconds 😂#WEIRD PREIST MAN EVEN YOUR MOST TRUSTED LACKEY IS HAVING DOUBTS YOU NEED TO STOP#YOU KNOW HOW BAD THE CONSEQUENCES ARE DOING THAT TO THE ENTIRE WORLD WILL JUST TURN THEM AGAINST YOU#UGH FIRST WE HAVE A PHYSICAL REVOLUTION WITH ASHA AND NOW WE HAVE A DIGITAL REVOLUTION WITH WEIRD PREIST MAN#Oh hi… Dave#Thanks for the VR pods I guess#I loved the suddenness of *DONK* “WHAT.. REGISTER NEW ACCOUNT?!”#Girl how’d you get down to the lower city in like 2 seconds#“Bye!” *hops fence*#Them hopelessly trying to convince people 😂#WEIRD PREIST MAN PEOPLE ARE DYING ALL AROUND THE WORLD RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU LIKE WHYYYYY AREN’T YOU CONCERNED#DO OTHER PEOPLE NOT SEE THIS?! YOU’LL GET WNDR SHUT DOWN AT THIS POINT#“IF TEN MILLION NEED TO DIE SO A HUNDRED CAN UPLOAD.. IT WILL BE A WORTHY EXCHANGE.” NO!?!??!?! NO IT WON’T BE?!?!?!?#“MAKE CLEAR A PATH FOR OTHERS TO FOLLOW ACROSS THE GLOBE.” TO DIE?!?!?!?!!?!! NO?!?!!??!?!#Oh god Jamilah you got to get back to the café NOW GIRL#Jeez might’ve been the end of the chapter on FP too; we’ll see!
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okay goodnight people I hope you will be normal in the morning but I won’t count on it
#eat ur fruit and vegetables#don’t send most people suicide bait#make sure to feed ur boyfriend and water your girlfriends etc#im randomly thinking abt when I was a voltron blog. and I called out antiblackness and some daffodil said I was alienating my nonblack#audience#I had less followers then than I do now and I was like#17#but regardless I don’t have an audience I’m not like a#famous blog#some of my posts get notes but I’m not like#ballin#someone in the notes told me I need to be more responsible with what I say for the audience#idk I have shoddy reading comprehension ironically#but like I’m not Toby turner I have no audience#that dated me so severely it’s hard to be witty rn okay#i on avergae get like 10 notes a text post unless something is amiss I don’t think that I need to make a mla format essay because some rando#who thinks every post is about them specifically has a hard on for ‘wait fuck this fuck you’ type vigilanteism ik I don’t make sense leave#me alone#im so sorry to ppl who follow me about this i should just block people and go but there’s an itch in my brain everytime I get to tell some#body to take it up with nick jr#toondiscourse
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