#idk if i did well. but i think loop deserves to hang out in the water for like 4 hours straight

[dailyloopdeloop]

loop at the beach :]

DAY 90: summertime fun

[book-place]

First of congratulations 🎉🥳❤️ you do truly deserve it, I love all your works (especially with Matt Murdock, Moon Knight and SPN)

Anyway I’ve never really done this so sorry if I did it the wrong way. Anyway I wanted to choose this 💐 one, so uh my names Amy and I’m bisexual. I’m a very anxious person and I do get panic attacks (like probably some people know bc I write about it sometimes), anyway I’m introverted, and I get tired and anxious by big crowds, I love to draw hence why I go to an art school, Oh and I play/watch football/soccer, and I’m a big nerd in various of fandoms and joke every time there is something serious bc I can’t take anything seriously, uh idk what more :)

Oh right a character, maybe Matt Murdock, oh but I want Moon knight and Dean Winchester too, yeah no okay so I choose Matt Murdock as he’s my fave Marvel character

Aww thank you!! <3 And believe me, I get the struggle with picking between those three, I love them all so much as well! Hope you enjoy!!

Matt sighed, causing your head to turn to him curiously, “You know, I really wish that I could see it, I’m sorry.”

You waved him off, “It’s no big deal, Matt. Believe me, I’m just grateful to have you here to support me.”

He gave you a weak smile in return, “Yeah, I know, but this is your first time getting your artwork featured in a museum! I just wanted to see how beautiful it is.”

You reached over and squeezed his arm, “I know,” was all you said in return, smiling sadly at him.

Not even a moment later, a large group filed into the small room that your piece was being displayed in, gawking at all the works hanging on the walls and in glass cases.

Matt’s head immediately titled to the side, picking up on the way your heartbeat sped up and breathing became more shallow, and barely a second passed before he was by your side, “Okay, time to go.”

To onlookers, with the way he looped his arm around yours, it might look as if you were leading the blind man out and not vise versa.

Once you got out into the hallway where it was much quieter, you released a breath, “Thanks, Matt.” You said after a moment of deep breathing, something that helped you calm down.

He rubbed his hand up and down your arm comfortingly, “It’s no problem.”

“Guess I ruined the big reveal, huh?” You joked despite the circumstances, “Hope I didn’t pull you away before you could see the whole thing.”

A grin made its way onto his face, “No, I think I was able to memorize it before you did.”

[fruitcoops]

hiiii! so this is kinda a long request. but could you write a fic where leo does the "show your childhood celebrity crush vs your partner(s)" tiktok trend. and like they come out that way. and then leo does another tik tok asking people if they are *flick wrist* y'know? (idk if you've seen it but it means gay) (bc he's a gen z baby and of course he's gonna mess with the team). and like he asks loops and cap and then he asks finnlo and they say no? and then leo looks at the camera and says smt like well guess my boyfriends are straight.

bonus if he then asks regulus and without missing a beat reg says nah i'm aro-ace but nice try

sorry if this is too long or too specific lol

Thank you so much for suggesting this!!! The followup tiktok (Leo and Reg, limp wrist) will be out tomorrow, probably :)) It’s so exciting to have the Cubs come out! They deserve it! @onlydreamofmysoul recently did a Cubs coming out fic that is absolute perfection, so go check it out as well <3

Sweater Weather/ O’Knutzy credit goes to @lumosinlove!

Leo Knut throws a peace sign up to his phone camera with his rainbow bracelet in full view as sparkly, cursive text appears across the screen: ‘show your childhood crush vs your current partner’. He sticks his tongue out, and the screen goes dark as Mr. Brightside begins to play in the background.

In a similar fashion to Remus’ video, the first clip is from an NHL game. “And that’s Tremblay with a hat trick, in his rookie year no less!” Frank Longbottom shouts as Gryffindor stadium loses its collective mind, throwing hats onto the ice as Logan does a victory lap. The camera focuses on his face, flushed and alight with joy.

The next clip is not of Logan, but rather a short segment of an open practice from the Lions pre-season. Finn’s hair is longer, flopping into his eyes a bit as he runs through a drill; he is laser-focused on the goal before executing a perfect slap shot. He whoops and does a quick happy dance as the other players laugh from the line.

A third video shows their shared apartment. “Holy shit, you guys are terrible at this,” Leo groans. “You go one, two, three, and shake. Lo—baby, no.”

“I’m doing it right!” Logan protests as he continues to do the wrong dance move.

Finn bites his lip and silently mouths the time count to himself with each step. “Like this?”

“Do you suddenly have a steel rod instead of a spine?” Leo asks drily. “You have to actually move your hips instead of just wiggling.”

Logan and Finn share a look. “Care to demonstrate?” Logan ventures with a slow smile. Leo rolls his eyes, but obliges. In all fairness, his ass looks amazing as he shakes it for the dance. “You might have to do it again, I don’t think I caught that.”

“Yeah, definitely,” Finn says, barely containing a grin.

“Oh my god!” Leo laughs, giving them both a playful nudge. “You’re fucking ridiculous.”

“But you looooooove us.” Finn leans his head on Leo’s shoulder and turns on his most besotted doe eyes, puckering his lips for a kiss while Logan wraps his arms around Leo’s waist. “Come on, Peanut, don’t leave me hanging.”

With a world-weary sigh that is clearly fake, Leo leans down and gives them each a peck on the lips. “Better?”

His boys just snuggle him tighter, and the video ends. As soon as they post it to TikTok, the three of them turn their phones off and head to the Lupin-Black house for the afternoon.

In the distance, Marlene’s starts ringing off the hook.

[yurtletheturtlehenderson]

Breakfast in the Bed || Mike Wheeler x Reader

Day 3 of Fictober

Pairings: Mike Wheeler x [gn]Reader, Elmax

Fandom: Stranger Things (2016-)

Requested: Could you write a Mike x Reader fic where Mike and the rest of the party surprise the reader with breakfast in bed on their birthday and the reader accidentally confesses that she likes Mike? Or something like that, idk. Thanks!

A//n: Holy fuck, im so sorry this took a million years, but thank you loads for being so incredibly patient. It gets so hard sometimes, but know that I appreciate your guys' understanding and patience with me and I've always had every intention of getting it done cause I want to keep my promise to you guys 💞 i thought this was a cute request, and for a while I had this idea stuck in my head that made it kinda hard to write but then when I started writing, it took a different direction in a different tone but i think it helped. Its more of a funny chaotic kind of fluff rather than an typical "you like me?" cliche fluff. Either way I hope you like it and thanks again for being so patient and requesting!

Fictober Day 1: "you did this?"

[Not Really] Warnings: fluff, a Zathura reference. Elmax being adorable girlfriends

Key: f/b = favorite breakfast/fav.food

"Are you sure about this, man?"

"Shh!" Mike hisses, trying desperately to keep the tray in his hands balanced. "You'll wake Y/n!"

Lucas looks at his friend completely dumbfounded like the rest of the group, aside from El who clung to Max's arm with a perplexed expression and a party hat on her head.

"Dude," Lucas deadpans. "That's the whole point."

"You know what I mean," Mike huffs.

With some convincing from your head of house and some careful planning the night before, the party now found themselves in your doorway with your favorite breakfast. You were still out cold, head buried in your pillow and your limbs tangled messily in your sheets.

"Are you sure we even should be doing this?" Max asks in a whisper. "You know how Y/n feels about sleeping. And, ya know, I'd want to sleep in on my birthday."

"I'm sure it'll be fine," Dustin eases with a smile, and a cheery tune. "It's us! And food. In bed!"

He steps out from behind Mike and enters your bedroom, and everyone watches wearily as he tiptoes to your bedside. You still hadn't moved, aside from the steady rise and fall of your body. Max's words played over in Mike's head and the more it did he couldn't help but realize she was probably right. He tried calling out to Dustin but it was too late. By the time the grinning boy had reached out to touch your shoulder it looked more as if he were poking a sleeping bear.

You groaned but never moved, and Dustin tried again.

"Dustin?" Will whispers uneasily. "Maybe, Max is right. Maybe this isn't such a good idea."

"Y/n~" Dustin sings in a low volume, and he begins shaking you more. "Y/n, wake up~! We've got a surprise for you~!"

You shift in your bed but again, show no signs of consciousness. Dustin looks over his shoulder at his friends, a bright smile overtaking his face.

"Guys, it's fine! Look," He turns back to you, shaking your shoulder again and missing the winces from your friends. "Y/n-"

Dustin stumbles back when your palm meets his face with a rough smack.

"Go away!" You exclaim, eyes screwed shut to block out all the invasive light that stung your vision.

You didn't quite know who all was there, all you did know was that people were in your bedroom and trying to wake you up.

"Why," you seethed, your voice low and gravelly from lack of use. "am I awake at,"

You roll over to look at the flickering red lights of your alarm clock, your eyelids fighting hard to stay open.

"six-thirty in the morning?"

Through your blurry vision you can make out all of the party standing in your room, looks of displacement written all over their faces. It's quiet for a moment as they struggle for words, until El breaks the silence with a party blower.

Max winces from her side, and sends a small smile to the brunette and in a small voice says to her. "Yeah, maybe not now, okay El?"

El winces, taking the party blower out of her hand and gives you a wide toothy smile. You didn't mind so much as you just wanted to give into what your body was telling you do; bury yourself under the covers and slip back into sleep.

You groan again, doing just that. You let your body fall back into the small nest you had unintentionally made for yourself but you knew the comfort was going to be short lived. And it was.

"Come on, Y/n," Lucas said, stepping into your bedroom, gesturing past Dustin who was still rubbing his nose, and over to Mike who timidly held the tray of f/b. "We made you breakfast."

They were met with silence. And no, they were not being ignored but you in fact were drifting back off.

"You can eat it in bed," Lucas added with a hopeful grin.

Your head picked up when you registered what your friend said. Your eyelids still felt they were made of magnets wanting to snap together but it was a little easier to fight it.

You were kinda hungry... And you wanted to spend today with your friends anyway.

You plastered on a sleepy smile, and turned to look at your friends through your half-lidded eyes as if you hadn't just scolded them.

"For me?" You asked in an exaggerated, sickly sweet voice that asked them to move on from it.

They all laughed nervously - again, apart from El who just seemed happy you were happy now.

"Yup," Lucas said. "We thought you deserved something special for your birthday, so we all decided to surprise you."

His voice was a bit uneasy, but your brain was still too foggy to comprehend it. So you just pulled yourself up into a sitting position against your pillows, readjusting your sleepshirt and pajama bottoms since they had shifted an uncomfortable amount throughout the night.

You smiled up at them all, feeling kinda guilty.

"Thank you guys," you said, with a genuine smile. "This is actually really nice. Here, you can come in,"

Mike seemed the most relieved out of all of them, and anxiously he stepped forward and headed for your bedside with the tray table full of food and drink. Max and El walked hand in hand to stand at the end of you bed, Max taking a seat on the end of the mattress to face you while El began playing with ends of her hair. Lucas and Dustin were further along the side of the bed to make room for Mike who carried the tray.

You bit the inside of you cheek a little, rubbing the sleep away from your eyes as you yawned.

"Sorry I hit you, Dustin," you say meekly, beginning to feel a bit silly about the whole thing.

He shrugs it off with a smile. "Eh, no worries. We'll be laughing about it later. Right, guys?"

He pat Mike's back in a playful - and forceful - manner, unintentionally throwing the balance off the tray. Not a single item stayed on the wooden tray, but was now splayed out all over your sheets and soaking through your shirt and pajama bottoms. You jumped back at the unwelcomed and highly uncomfortable sensation, gaping down at the mess you were now buried in. Slowly you look up to meet eyes with the party, particularly Dustin and Mike.

They looked as if they had crapped their pants.

Dustin's jaw hangs open for a moment, his entire body completely frozen. His right hand is wrenched up to point at Mike, who stares at the tray with glazed eyes, and his face completely crimson.

"It was all his idea!" Dustin squeaks.

Your fiery gaze meets Mike's terrified one, and his mouth parts as he begins sputtering. He was trying to summon an apology, or even an "it was an accident" but all he managed was a nervous, uncomfortable smile.

Your heart would have fluttered at his state had it not been for the meal that had just been dumped on you. You yank the sheets off of you, drops of what hadn't yet soaked completely in flew through the air and hit some of your friends and Mike backs away. He drops the tray from his hands when you climb out of bed with a look that could kill, wet chunks of food falling off of you and landing on the floor with slap.

"You did this?"

Sure, your best friend and long time crush had looped all your friends into coming over and surprising you for your birthday. But he also was the reason you not only lost a long morning of sleeping in, but were now wearing your breakfast and didn't have a warm bed to go back into when they left.

You're eyes narrowed at him. "You did this."

"I'm sorry!" He shouts, running out into the hallway.

"YOU'RE LUCKY I LIKE YOU WHEELER, OR YOU'D BE DEAD! NOW GET BACK HERE, AND CLEAN THIS UP!" You shout, running out right after him.

The remainder of the party stands awkwardly at your bedside where you left them.

Dustin laughs nervously. "That went well,"

Will gestured over his shoulder towards the hall, a thoughtful look on his face.

"Wait," he laughs. "Did Y/n finally just admit what I think Y/n just admitted?"

Max grimaced as she wiped away the remainder of food that had clung to her face, and flicked it away disgusted that she had been hit.

"Yup," Max says, popping the 'p'. "Didn't think I'd see the day, either."

[pixelated-pogues]

Insecurity (d.s)

Requested: Yes, and you’re right anon. This concept is immaculate  Summary: You’re feeling insecure and Drew comforts you Warnings: Mentions of specific areas of insecurity (idk how to word that correctly but I don’t want anyone to get triggered for reading. It’s not anything super detailed but I still wanted to put that out there), fluffy Drew ----------------------------------

You stand in front of the full-length mirror, glaring at the reflection staring back at you. Initially you were trying to hurry, Drew and his friends are waiting, but you can’t help but feel trapped in the comfort of his small bedroom. 

You’ve been dressed in your swimsuit for well over ten minutes now, completely ready to go, but you can’t move. Your eyes scan over every portion of your body, welling with tears, as you take in every imperfection. A sick feeling erupts in your stomach at the sight and thoughts of how effortlessly perfect the other girls would look fill your mind.

“God, I knew I shouldn’t have agreed to this,” you groan, turning to the side to watch as you suck in your stomach a little in an attempt to make yourself feel a little more desirable. Dissatisfied with the results, you spin around to search for something else to wear but only growing more upset at the sight of all of your bathing suits littering your boyfriend's bedroom floor. Tears flow freely down your cheeks as you dig through your bag, wanting nothing more than to crawl into Drew’s bed and hide for the rest of the day. 

A soft knock thumps against the door just as it swings open; breaking you away from your thoughts.

“Babe, are you almost re-what’s wrong,” Drew’s voice fills your ears, halting your movements as you rush to wipe away the tears rolling down your flushed cheeks. 

“Yeah, I’m almost ready, just give me a minute,” you cringe at how strangled your voice comes out. You’re met with his concerned gaze as you turn towards the door, watching as he quietly shut the door behind him and stepped closer to you, a deep frown etching onto his face at your disheveled appearance.

“Why are you crying,” he pouts, cupping your cheek in his hand so that he could catch your tears with his thumb. Your arms instinctively curl around your waist, insecure thoughts rolling through your mind as Drew stares at you curiously.

“It’s really nothing Drew,” you brush off, shooting him a fake smile. “I’m just not feeling well is all. You guys should go ahead, I think I’m going to stay in and get some rest.”

Drew’s frown only deepens at your words. He knows you’re lying. Of course, he knows that you’re lying. You’ve never really been able to keep anything from Drew. His blue eyes always search yours for any tell that you’re lying, and he catches on to the way that your words slightly slur together when you do. 

“You’re not feeling well,” he repeats, clearly not buying it. “Babe, what’s really going on?” Both of his hands cup your face now as a gentle encouragement to get you to look at him. You stare into his eyes from a brief moment, a quiet sigh falling from your lips as you gently untangle yourself from his grasp. He watches you pick up one of his t-shirts off of the floor, pulling it over your body before you plop down on his bed, curling your knees into your chest.

“I just,” you pause, glancing at him with a sigh, worried about how he’d react to how you’re truly feeling. “I’m just really gross, Drew.” He takes in a sharp breath, his eyes widening in shock at the words that fell from your mouth.

“What,” he asks incredulously, dropping next to you on his bed. 

“Just look at me, Drew. How can you not see it,” you state, gesturing to yourself. You push yourself off of the bed, sauntering over to the mirror again, eyes locking with your own reflection. “I mean, my legs brush together when I walk,” your fingers reach down to pinch at the skin before moving elsewhere as you begin rambling about your least favorite features. “..my arms have way too much skin, my stomach jiggles when I walk, my muscles aren’t as tight as they should be. Everything is just gross, Drew.” You stop to catch your breath, looking at yourself with such disappointment, his presence is briefly forgotten as you become engrossed in mentally tearing yourself apart. 

You’re torn from your thoughts when Drew’s hand reaches for you, forcing you to look at him. Guilt erupts in your chest at the sight of his normally bright eyes brimming with tears; his hands resting on both of your arms. You mentally scold yourself for telling him, hating that you’re the reason for the hopeless look on his face.

“Stop,” he commands hoarsely, shaking his head. “Please, stop.” Your shoulders slink forward in defeat, eyes dropping to the floor, embarrassed by the outburst that had just ensued. 

“Y/n, look at me,” he breathes, hooking his fingers under your chin. You hesitantly oblige, waiting for him to begin reprimanding you for what you’d said. Instead, his expression remains soft. “Those things you said are lies. In fact, they couldn’t be further from the truth,” he tells you honestly, seriousness lacing his voice. 

“You’re absolutely beautiful,” he whispers, causing your body to slump forward even more. You pull your face from his hands to stare at the floor, desperately wanting to believe his words but your mind screams in opposition. “I know that me saying that isn’t going to immediately make you believe it, but it’s true. I wish that you could see yourself through my eyes.” He hugs you close to his chest when you sniffle for the first time, your quiet cries slowly transitioning into soft sobs as you curl into him. He murmurs encouraging words into your ear, his hand drawing comforting shapes against the skin on your back.

“I love everything about you,” his lips brush over your forehead, fingers wiping your tears away as you lean back to look at him. “Can I show you?”

“What?” A look of confusion crosses your face as you stare at the man in front of you curiously. 

“Just trust me, Y/n,” he murmurs, his hands gripping your waist delicately as he presses a chaste kiss to your lips before spinning you around so that you were facing the mirror again. You watch his reflection, intrigued as to what he was trying to do. A soft hum falls from your mouth when his lips begin peppering soft kisses against the skin on your neck, your head instinctively tilting to the side to give him more access. 

“Can I take this off?” His hands grip at the bottom of his shirt that’s hanging off of your frame, eyes meeting yours for permission.

“Yeah,” you nod, your heart swelling at how sweet and gentle he’s being. 

His lips curl into an innocent smile as he slowly peels the fabric away from your skin, revealing your bathing suit clad body. The shirt is discarded to the floor carelessly as his hands meet your waist again, pulling you flush against his clothed chest. 

“Look at you,” he smiles proudly, his lips grazing your shoulder. You can’t help but let your face fall at the sight of your body, glad that Drew’s arms cover your stomach as you rest your hands over his. “It makes me sad that you look at yourself like that.” 

“I love your legs. I love how they look in skinny jeans or when they’re on display every morning when you’re in your underwear, but I especially love how they always bring you back to me,” he begins, his fingers grazing over the exposed skin on your thighs. You open your mouth in shock, at a loss for words, as he continues. 

“I love your stomach and the cute noises it makes when you’re hungry, but I especially love how it works as a pillow on days when I’m stressed and need you to reassure me that I’m going to be okay,” his hands move to your stomach, goosebumps rising wherever his fingers delicately brush over your skin. Your eyes flicker to his reflection again, body melting into his chest at the look of adoration staring back at you.

“I love your arms. I love how soft they feel when they brush up against mine and the way that they swat at me when I tease you, but I especially love how they always pull me into you when you want to feel safe,” he smiles at you endearingly, pulling you deeper into his chest. 

“I love everything about you, Y/n,” he repeats his words from earlier, his eyes gleaming as he holds you against him. “I know that you can’t see it yet, but you’re absolutely perfect in my eyes.”

You can’t help but burst into tears at the genuine love he holds in his eyes at the sight of you. His lips press against your hair, thumbs ghosting against the exposed skin on your hips as he slowly rocks back in forth.

“One day you’re going to love yourself as much as I do,” he announces, a bright smile taking over his features. “Until then, I’m going to do everything I can to help you get there.”

“I don’t know what I did to deserve you,” you sniffle, spinning around to face him. He grins at you, covering your lips with his own sweetly. You melt into him but pull away abruptly, suddenly remembering the fact that all of your friends are waiting for the both of you. You rush around the room, haphazardly sliding a pair of jeans shorts up your legs.

“What are you doing,” Drew asks, giggling at the sight of you nearly tripping over yourself to slip on a pair of shoes. 

“Drew, they’ve been out there waiting for ages,” you explain, pulling his shirt back over your head. “They probably think we’re having sex.” You check yourself over in the mirror, sighing at how flushed your cheeks are but  simply shrug it off.

“They don’t think we’re having sex,” he laughs, pulling you against him by your belt loops. “I told them to go get snacks before I came to check on you. Knowing Rudy and JD, they’re going to be busy for awhile.”

“Drew,” you groan, throwing your head back dramatically. “That sounds exactly like something you’d say so that we could have the house to ourselves.” A bashful smirk forms on his face, his cheeks turning a light shade of pink at your statement. 

“I mean, we might have a little extra time before they come back,” he trails off, cackling when your hand smacks against his chest. “I’m just kidding, relax.” He pauses, glancing at you suggestively. “Unless.”

“Dork,” you roll your eyes, exiting the room as the front door swings open.  ------------------------------------------------- A/n: I know this ended on kind of a goofy note, but I’m super soft for this concept. Boyfriend Drew always hits me right in the feels. Anyway, I hope you guys enjoyed it! 

Also, the song “Dear Insecurity” by Gnash kept running through my head while I was writing this. You should go give it a listen if you feel inclined to do so! (I always listen to it if I’m feeling down on myself)

tags: @thelocalpogue @kitluvs1 @outerbxrafe @maaybanks @thatsme-johnbookerroutledge @drewstarkey @maybankdreams @ssjiara @snkkat @bluebirdsbluebells

[tarysande]

It’s the Dose that Makes the Poison: Lucifer Thoughts and Speculation

I’m going to throw the entirety of this under a cut because spoilers. I’ve been rearranging the pieces on the table and I have some meta and a plausible(?) theory about how things might shake out.

...this is almost four thousand words long, and frankly? I feel I’ve barely grazed the surface.

Also, I put it on AO3 for ease of reading and/or in case anyone wants to have, idk, threaded conversations ;D

Okay. Here are a bunch of the pieces. (Or the piece is here, as it were.)

First: The show has always been about redemption; the showrunners throw that word around all the time. Second: I don’t think we’re going to see an endgame or a narrative where God is evil. So, how to make the concept of literal Hell work, then? How to explain or justify the idea of a father who a) kicked his kid out of the house and sent him to Hell for-literal-ever and b) created children for specific “of God” purposes.

Hell

In 5x01, Lee says, “Whose Hell is this, anyway?” and ... I think that’s the crux of the matter. In S3, Lucifer realizes he gave himself the face of a monster because he felt monstrous. But the truth is, he didn’t just give himself the face.

He gave himself the place, too. 5x01 is littered with clues that indicate this. Lucifer says “you to your torture and me to mine.” Lee’s entire speech—the one that pushes all Lucifer’s buttons because of course Lucifer’s projecting all over Lee’s “worst memory”—might as well be Lucifer talking to himself (not unlike Uriel in Lucifer’s hell loop). You know, the part of Lucifer that’s starting to understand all the psychological stuff Linda’s been yammering on about.

Lucifer created Hell. To torture himself for what he believes he did. He created the mechanism that you can walk out any time you like—but no one ever does. None of the doors are locked, right? 

On some level, Lucifer, who is all about fairness and justice, looked at what he did and decided the Hell as we’ve seen it was the appropriate punishment. And with Lee, Lucifer almost figures out that the goal of “Hell” isn’t to eternally loop through guilt-fueled self-torture but to forgive yourself and apologize or make amends or not repeat the mistakes. Most of all, learn that nothing changes if you stay in the loop and the only way to break the loop is to take risk that you might fuck up and do something that you feel guilty for again. 

Names/Family

Something that’s always jumped out at me is that no matter how many millennia have passed, Lucifer—to whom nicknames and names are canonically really goddamned important—always refers to his family by their familial connection to him “brother, sister, Mum, Dad.” When he banished himself from Heaven—and I’m starting to think he did—he didn’t stop feeling like he was a part of his family. Even when he wanted to eat Amenadiel’s heart someday, he still called him “brother.” Even when Uriel was threatening Chloe (and Mum), he was still “brother.”

For that matter, isn’t it interesting that all Lucifer’s estranged siblings refer to him by the name he chose for himself—not the one he was given? Except, of course, when they want to hurt him. We’ve known since what, S1? That Lucifer cannot abide the name Samael. Even Uriel calls him Lucifer. Or Luci. Mum calls him Lucifer. Lucifer was given Poison of God and he chose Bringer of Light. And everyone who loved (and loves) him said, “All right. Lucifer it is.” And though Lucifer is originally a little eye-rolly with nicknames—Luce, Luci—it’s fond, not the “I’m going to rip out your spine and beat you to death with it” response Samael elicits. Essentially, Samael is Lucifer’s deadname. And people who use intentionally are dismissing and rejecting the identity Lucifer chose, which is vile.

When I was researching/writing Taking the Fall and I knew I wanted to talk about the name thing, I came across this quotation ascribed to Paracelsus, and it really resonated: “All things are poison, and nothing is without poison, the dosage alone makes it so a thing is not a poison.” The dosage, in fact, is the difference between whether something is a poison or a cure. And if that doesn’t align with the themes of the show, I don’t know what does. 

Lucifer has spent all this time thinking he is a poison; he has never imagined that he might be a cure. (To angels embracing their free will; to ending the sharp black and white segregation between Heaven and Hell; to darkness, to fear. Yet the more Lucifer learns and the healthier he gets, the more we see cures in what he does: i.e., Brody and also, you know, solving crimes.)

Michael, on the other hand, means “Who is like God?” It’s meant to be a rhetorical question, but in the universe of the show, I think Michael’s twisted version is that he used the question “Who is like God?” to plant the seed of Lucifer’s rebellion ... and is now answering the question “Who is like God?” with the reply, “I am."

Maze

But just in case we head too far down the Lucifer is Great line of thinking, we’ve got a big old example of how he’s still a poison, too.

Contrast this discussion of family with the lesson Lucifer still needs to learn about Maze—he’s managed to absorb that she’s not his servant anymore, but he’s still clinging to that soulless demon/just a demon dismissiveness. And despite self-worth coming from within, bitches, Maze still hasn’t truly absorbed that. She still looks outside for validation—and resents or backslides when she doesn’t get it. Especially from Lucifer. Because Lucifer was the first being to treat her like she mattered. She admires him. Looks up to him. Loves him. In many ways, Maze is the shadow of Chloe—drawn to Lucifer but never, from his perspective, his equal or his partner.

And he, for all the strides he’s made, still default to “demon” as derogatory and dismissive. Something she can’t transcend, even though all the evidence suggests the contrary. As long as Lucifer sees Maze as just a demon, she can’t truly escape from that identity. 

Why does Maze keep “betraying” Lucifer? It’s tempting to think it’s because she’s a demon. Because she doesn’t have “a soul.” But that’s not true. She can learn; she learns from “betraying” Chloe and doesn’t do it a second time. She learns from “betraying” Linda and Trixie. Even she and Amenadiel seem to have reached a real (and much more healthy) understanding of who they are to each other.

She keeps betraying Lucifer because he keeps deserving it.  

Servants 

The thing is, I think there’s something important in Lucifer’s “You’re not my servant anymore” to Maze. Because I think angels believe they are God’s servants. And I suspect the reason God’s been so AFK is because he really wanted them to ... break free of that. On their own. Without him telling them to—because if he told them, it wouldn’t be choice anymore. It wouldn’t be free will. It would be Following The Will of DadGod. 

Here’s another relevant Paracelsus quotation: “No one who can stand alone by himself should be the servant of another.” 

Angels self-actualize. They have powers. Sometimes those powers change (as with Amenadiel). I don’t think angels ever lacked free will. 

What is self-actualization but literal free will? You become what you believe you are; you do what you think you’re supposed to. You literally change based on your choices and feelings about those choices. Angels basically have human free will on a kind of EXTREME SCALE that they’ve remained mostly ignorant of throughout time. But how do you get your kids to figure something out without telling them how to figure it out when they’ve all got this WILL OF DAD complex? He gave them the tool of self-actualization. When they didn’t ... do that, he created humanity. He tinkered with the model. Took away the names and the powers that were such a stumbling block for his angels and such a shining example of how he failed them. If someone hangs on your every word, if you are not just their father but their master, how can they ever know love? Trust? How can they ever be free? Be themselves? I think God wanted his angel children to learn from his human children and was disappointed when they pretty much decided to just be remote and Angelically Superior All The Time, instead. Of course, that's mostly on him, too.

Except Lucifer. Because Lucifer’s curiosity (yes, from the beginning of time) kept bringing him so close to figuring things out. (Better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven, amirite, Paradise Lost?) And as close as he was to figuring things out, Lucifer was still prideful and selfish and superior. The result was what happened with (and in) Hell. Things got twisted down there; he was in a God role over the demons and he was not hands-off. Cue endless loops of pain and torture and despair and self-recrimination and poison. Lilith may have started their pain, but Lucifer, however unintentionally or ignorantly, continued it. 

At least Lucifer could escape it sometimes. Those poor demons. Those poor abandoned children. They had two rocks.

Pretty sure there’s going to be an echo of Dad abandonment with his angel kids and Lilith of her demon kids, by the by. Because abandonment is a theme. And good intentions or not, well, you know what they say about the road to Hell.

Humanity The more Lucifer interacted with humanity, the more he learned from humanity. And, of course, the entire journey of the series has been about Lucifer learning, growing, adapting, changing because of this. And not in a Superior Angelic Way, but in a person-to-person real way. Not just with Chloe. With everyone.  But yeah, Chloe is the catalyst—precisely because (as Amenadiel says) she’s the only mortal who sees Lucifer for who he really is, without her reflected desires getting in the way. No one, no one else can truly reflect back to him his worthiness or lack thereof.

Does Chloe have a power? It’s not laser-beam hands. But I’ve always thought Chloe has the power of seeing things and, in seeing, encouraging others to see, too. And this is most obvious with Lucifer, whose power has never let him be seen. Because of his power, he can never know if the reactions of others are about him or about their own desires. 

What agony for someone whose chosen path is bringing light: to be forever hidden in the shadow of the light others see.

Until Chloe.

Michael tells Lucifer his greatest fear is that of being unworthy. We know Lucifer has always feared he’s not worthy of Chloe. But now that she’s told him, shown him, his worthiness? You’d better believe that he will never, ever abandon her—will never, ever let her suffer from her worst fear. Gosh, and by suddenly being invulnerable again, it’s almost like he’s assured that, isn’t it? “You make me vulnerable” was about his walls. “My invulnerability ensures I will never, ever abandon you,” is all about hers.

So, back to learning from humanity. We’ve seen Lucifer and Amenadiel do it. It’s been hinted that Azrael has done it, at least a little. Then we have Michael’s frustrated tale of how the other angel siblings are taking note of Lucifer’s actions—with the implication being that maybe they’re learning, too. Maybe they’re starting to understand that they can be more than they think they have been made to be. More than just a “Something” of God.

Control 

Meanwhile, of course, Michael’s concocted some kind of Make Heaven Great Again plot—ironically, it appears, by doing exactly what he accused Lucifer of doing: believing he can run things better than Dad. And, I suspect, by trying to set himself as Master and his siblings (and other assorted peons) as his servants. Only, he’s not doing it in Lucifer’s ultimately forthright (and even honest) way of “This sucks and I’m rebelling” but in a conniving, secretive, Machiavellian way that probably sounds a lot like “Dad says” or “Dad’s not here” or “Who is closer to God than I?” ...

Who is like God, indeed. He even throws down the word archangel when he speaks to Dan: an angel above even other angels. I’m 99% sure that word’s never been used before on the show. Because that’s what Michael desires. To be more. To be everything. To control.

He’s what Lucifer was as the Lord of Hell. He’s everything Lucifer has made such progress toward overcoming.

Incidentally, and also essay-worthy: This is why the progression of the scene where Lucifer and Chloe make love is so incredibly (heh) important: Lucifer of the perfect appearance, perfect pocket square, perfect car, perfectly clean apartment; Lucifer of control control control control ... surrenders. He offers. She accepts. And in these first moments—“Incredible,” he breathes before they’ve done anything more than kiss—she is above him, in control ... and nothing bad happens. Nothing hurts him even though she makes him hurt-able. She doesn’t take advantage of him. She loves him; she treasures him; she protects him. It’s beautiful. It’s everything he’s been so afraid he could never have.

And for the first time (very possibly) ever, he sees himself as worthy. He sees himself as belonging. He believes he is not alone; he is not lonely.

Power

Amenadiel “lost” his power to stop time when he decided he didn’t want to stand apart from humanity anymore. Essentially, just as he lost his wings when he was so horrified and disgusted by what he’d done (to Lucifer, with Malcolm, etc.) he caused himself to Fall. He regained his wings when he made it his purpose to bring Charlotte to Heaven. He stopped time again in S5 when the question of humanity—of his own child being human, and thus ‘not like him’ or ... not that ‘special’—reared its head. With the nuns, he reflects their love of God, right? And in part, that’s because he’s in this father (or Father) role now. 

Angel powers, like all power really, are double-edged. In the wrong hands or twisted the wrong way, a good power can bring about evil. Look at the almost throwaway line with Brody in 5x02: Lucifer’s “desire” power—so often spun as about sin or hedonism—brought Brody peace and forgiveness. That Lucifer doesn’t lie or take without giving in return indicates that, on some level, the level that values true justice—and even a bit of mercy—he was never able to use that power against others (the way we see Michael do with his); he didn’t want to use as he felt he’d been used; he also didn’t want to feel used by those whose desires he provided (this is why the parade of one-night stands and “it was just sex—great sex, but just sex” partners upset him so much back in S2). Favors—and even the give and take of sex—were a way to balance that scale. Again, this could be a whole essay all its own.

This makes me suspect that the dark side of Lucifer’s powers played some part in his Rebellion. That he abused desire the way we’ve seen Michael abuse fear. 

So, about that power of fear, then. I mean, it just sounds negative. How can FEAR be positive, right? But if Michael were using his powers to draw out fears so they’re named and dealt with (LIKE PEOPLE DO IN THERAPY???) instead of manipulated for personal gain—it could be a very healing power (LIKE THERAPY???).

Greatest Strength/Greatest Weakness

The absolute thematic and narrative brilliance of twin brothers having the powers of fear and desire whilst also being held back BY the “power” of their twin is so amazing it really needs its own essay. But I do want to mention this relative to the overall arc heading forward. Much of Lucifer’s work with Linda has been about addressing his fears; he’s made a ton of progress with this. As I mentioned earlier, with Linda’s guidance, Lucifer has been drawing out his fears in a safe(r) space and learning to deal with them and heal. And, in doing so, his own power of reflecting desire has increasingly been less and less about artisanal honey and car batteries and more about drawing out desires that help others heal, grow, become their best selves, release their inner demons.

Michael is (both literally and figuratively) twisted by his desires (to be powerful, to be stronger/better/more admired than his brother). I’ll bet some cold hard cash that if Lucifer’s the source of the original injury to his shoulder/wing, Michael has self-actualized into keeping that injury—perhaps even magnifying it—to a) manipulate others into feeling sorry for him, b) to remind everyone who looks at him how awful Lucifer is, and c) to trick people into believing he’s weaker than he is. 

At the end of the day, fear and desire are two of the strongest motivating forces in the world (universe); the show is showing us all the messy ways those forces come into play. And it’s also showing how connection and love and trust are the forces that both fight the worse facets of these powers and that let these forces be useful in helpful and ultimately healing ways.

Because THERAPY.

Home

So, we know we’re rolling toward what was meant to be a series finale; it’s time to start tying loose ends together, right? Again and again, the question of home comes up. Lucifer only ever refers to Los Angeles as his home. Maze, on the other hand, still defaults to Hell as home. 

Hell as we know it is over. But Hell as a place where Maze tries to impart the lessons she’s learned on Earth to her abandoned, twisted-by-hate-and-loneliness-and-Lilith siblings? Perhaps even with Eve “mother of all humanity” at her side to help clean up some of the mess Lilith made when she decided to abandon connection in favor of more selfish desire? I think that’s plausible, while also managing a significant nod at where Mazikeen ends up in the comics and a heavy dash of “the things we learn from therapy and/or being best friends with a therapist.” 

Now, I know the question of how things will end for Chloe and Lucifer is contentious in fandom. So, you know, grain of salt. I don’t think Lucifer’s home is Los Angeles; the Los Angeles in Hell wasn’t enough because it didn’t have her in it. In a literal embodiment of “Home is where the heart is,” Lucifer’s home is with Chloe. And since Chloe’s worst fear is abandonment, Lucifer will do what it takes to stay with her—because that’s what’s most important to him. The utterly unselfish choice. I think there’s some pretty reasonable foreshadowing (Lilith’s choice—if that choice was even real, of course—for example) that Lucifer may choose to renounce his immortality. Or to give it to someone else. Or that immortality won’t matter at all anymore. 

From his reactions in 5x07/08, we know that Lucifer’s identity and ideas of usefulness/self-worth/worthiness of love are still connected to his identity as an immortal with powers; I think, though, he’s beginning to piece together the complications therein, especially regarding questions of partnership and vulnerability and equality. 

Personally, Human!Lucifer has never been my preferred outcome, but I can see how it might work/might be what they’re heading for. Even if I’d still prefer the “you can use me as a bullet shield” partnership with supernatural elements—because those have always been at the heart of their partnership. The strengths of one make up for the weaknesses in the other (and vice versa).

Hell (Redux)

Finally, I’m still pretty sure we’re going to see a complete overhaul of the Heaven/Hell dichotomy. One with a lot less THIS IS THE WAY IT IS BECAUSE CONTROL and a lot more CHOICES MATTER (maybe Linda can have a turn as a salamander after all). And a major catalyst, of course, is Lucifer and his love for the chosen family on earth (and through them, a renewed love for the estranged family he’s never actually stopped loving; 5x01 basically makes canon that it's not that Lucifer hates his family—it's that he's terrified of disappointing them again, of causing problems again). 

So why does Hell have to change?

Because right now, every human he loves is sure they’re going to Hell. And after all the time and all these friendships, can you really see Lucifer being okay with that? Okay with Ella or Linda or Dan or Trixie tormenting themselves for all eternity? When he wasn’t even okay with Mr. Said Out Bitch doing so? When he gave this guy who he barely knows every opportunity to change his fate in ways he’s never done for any other tortured soul? Because they had a tenuous connection on earth?

Can you see him being okay with Chloe choosing Hell to be with him?

When it boils right down to it, Lucifer has learned to love others. And I think, especially given his revelations about self-loathing last season, that love isn’t going to let him be okay with or encourage the self-loathing in others. Love—selfless love, real love—is, in fact, the cure to the very concept of Hell. 

And it’s also the cure to the very concept of Heaven, too.

How could Heaven ever be perfect if the people you love aren’t in it?

It can’t. It might be more silver and have fewer demons, but I don’t think it’s any less an eternal torture. Eve basically tells us as much.

So, on that note, I’ll leave you with another fine quotation from Paracelsus:

“When a man undertakes to create something, he establishes a new heaven, as it were, and from it the work that he desires to create flows into him... For such is the immensity of man that he is greater than heaven and earth.”

And that, I think, is going to be the takeaway. We create what we are; we choose what we create. And in the act of that creation, we choose whether we are the poison or the remedy. And if we make mistakes, slip up, hurt people, hurt ourselves—it’s not a Hell-sentence. It’s the dose that makes the poison. We learn, we grow, we apologize, we strive to make things better, we love and love and love and love, and we never stop striving to be the cure.   

[shinjaeha]

itsay ep 3 (thoughts + spoilers)

itsay ep 3 fucking obliterated me so here i am with some more thoughts on this episode (drama) in general. this is just me being an incoherent mess bc my mind is basically just one long !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! after having watched this (once raw and again subbed). this isn’t an analysis, it’s literally me just gushing over the ep as i watch it bc boy oh BOY.

WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT EVERYTHING HITTING DIFFERENT AFTER THE BOAT SCENE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! if i thought the tension in the boat knocked the breath out of me, this whole ep was that x10000.

they really started us off with a bang having continued straight off from last ep with teh smelling oh-aew’s hair, huh?? teh rubbing his face with the coconut paralleled with oh-aew smelling his coconut scented shampoo?? excuse me as i cry into my hands.

teh wasn’t willing to wake up early for tarn when she wanted to draw early in the morning, but when he sees that oh-aew wants to wake up early to study, HE’S the one that makes sure that oh-aew wakes up (and he stays up to keep oh-aew company, even if it’s just over the phone). then again when they’re at the resort...love that tarn realises that too. boy ain’t subtle. also, how is it even possible that they can have that much tension just speaking over the phone?? they’re not even in the same room and the tension between the two of them is so thick i can barely breathe.

the “let me know when you’re home”!!!!!!!!!!!!! BOYFRIEND BEHAVIOUR. as soon as oh-aew asked teh why he always asked tarn that, i KNEW they were gonna put that in there for him and oh-aew and i’m glad i wasn’t disappointed :))) the look on oh-aew’s face when he saw the text!!!!!!!!!!! the way he stopped in his tracks!!!!!!!!!

i already had a feeling that oh-aew was going to be the first one to properly realise and accept his feelings for teh based on the teasers (makes sense since he already knows he likes boys...he’s more sure of his sexuality, which would of course make it easier for him to accept based on that). seeing the way he used the ‘if you get close to him and he doesn’t move away it means he likes you’ theory that teh initially told him to try on bas with teh too was really cute. and the jealousy over tarn. i LOVED that we got to see a more petty side to him when he announced he was going to room with bas partly bc of how lowkey jealous/mad he was about teh and tarn talking over the phone. it left teh so unsettled and confused (the piano music was PERFECT in that scene), and is 510% something teh would have done too (based on the previous two eps). they really are a perfect match huh. but poor bas being caught in the middle of the two of them ;;;

i liked that a lot of this ep was from oh-aew’s perspective. i feel like we got mostly teh’s pov in the first two eps, so it was really nice to see things from oh-aew’s pov too. gave us all more insight into his personality and he’s honestly SO MUCH more flirty than i thought he was going to be omg. the potato chip scene where he just crawled over to teh and ate that potato chip all the while staring straight at teh, then lying on his lap?????????? teh was (understandably) flustered after that AND SO WAS I. i was not expecting that whatsoever. i was also really impressed with how honest oh-aew was about his feelings. i love that he’s stayed true to their previous heart to heart in the boat scene last ep where he basically told teh that he wanted transparency between the two of them. he’s sticking to that, and i admire him so much for being able to be that vulnerable and true to himself. i thought there might have been more confusion with bas, but it looks like as soon as he realised his feelings might have faded/that he was feeling things for teh now, he just went with it. i know in my last text post i said that oh-aew is usually the more cautious/pragmatic of the two, but i feel like when it comes to his feelings, he seems to be really in tune with who and what he wants (more so than teh). this of course makes sense bc he’s likely had more time to come to terms with his sexuality...which is what teh’s figuring out for himself now. on top of that, oh-aew’s feelings for teh are a lot stronger than the ones he has for bas. and since he’s also more certain that teh likes him back, he’s so much bolder in how he approaches teh. and teh, to his credit, returns that honesty too when oh-aew basically pushes him into acknowledging that there’s ~something between them (hammock scene). i was kind of expecting him to push away from that/deny it, but he didn’t. he’s obviously just a lot more confused with his feelings and still needs some time to understand them and process them fully. on a related note, hammock scene was so loaded and SO well acted by the both of them. the fact that they can move from playful in one scene too achingly intense in another always throws me for a loop.

another thing i really love about the two of them is how they push one another to be better. it’s that rivalry that makes their bond even stronger, but it’s also something that worries me for future eps ngl...

but i honestly feel SO BAD for bas...clearly, he likes oh-aew, and although oh-aew was initially confused with the two of them, he’s definitely more convinced when it comes to his feelings for teh. but when bas essentially asked oh-aew out, and oh-aew said let’s invite the rest of they guys?? he looked so sad and my heart kind of broke a little. it’s like watching the poor second lead in a kdrama. and tarn too :( i really hope that when teh accepts his feelings for oh-aew, he doesn’t keep her hanging on the way that most BLs tend to do. she deserves so much better than that. my heart really hurts for the both of them, but at the same time teh and oh-aew are just magnets being pulled together at this point. they can’t stay away from each other.

the scene where teh rubs the smell of oh-aew’s coconut scented pen (from what he’s written) all over his face bc he’s at his limit and can’t stand all those pent up feelings anymore, only to race out to their special meeting place on the beach????? the moment he sees that oh-aew’s there too and he chases after him entranced (and the smile on oh-aew’s face)????? the way the instrumental ost just swells the moment they see each other????? the way they tease and dance around another yet again?????  PURE ART. A CINEMATIC MASTERPIECE. THIS IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL DRAMA I HAVE EVER SEEN. this whole sequence has to be my fave scene in this ep. god, that part where the camera closes in on them and they’re face to face before oh-aew steps away again had my heart trying to flutter its way out of my CHEST. THEY HAVEN’T EVEN KISSED IN THE SERIES YET AND THEY CAN REDUCE ME TO THIS. honestly, their power is something else. the fact that they can stir so many emotions in all of us just by the way they glance at one another, by the way they dart around one another barely touching...there are dramas/movies with multiple kiss/love scenes that can’t even create that tension and longing. it’s the kind of chemistry that burns you inside out. it’s so palpable.

the thigh massage scene had me CAPTIVATED (like all their scenes tbh) and then teh’s mum came to wake me (and the both of them) up haha. but for real, there’s just something so tentative about what’s happening. these feelings are new to them, and they’re easing their way into it. always toeing the line, but not overstepping it yet. it’s primal. they keep letting those feelings build up more and more and more. and you can always feel the way it’s leading to something else. and of course it leads into the next scene where teh’s tutoring oh-aew again but the atmosphere is so incredibly heavy, so tight, that they can’t contain it anymore (i mean, the fact that they contained it for so long when they’re teenage boys with feelings for one another is already astounding enough to me). teh tries so hard, but then the back scratch happens and...THIS ICONIC SCENE...i thought they were going to kiss then (before oh-aew turned around), but then we got something else entirely and the intimacy of it all. just wow. literally not a single kiss and it was one of the most sensual scenes i have ever seen in a BL. it’s just the way they get so caught up in one another. THE YEARNING OF IT ALL. this whole ep was just pure anticipation, and i have never ever wanted two characters to kiss more than i do these two. it’s the build up that gets me (idk if this can be considered slow build since there’s only been like three eps but it sure as hell feels like it!!!!!!!!!). then teh pulls away and it’s like a smack in the gut...but at the same time, i get it. he’s not ready yet. there’s so much for him to take in and he’s not there yet (not the way oh-aew is), and just like oh-aew, it keeps us all hanging on, so close but not quite there yet.

so much of this felt like this cat and mouse game between the both of them where one of them would advance, then retract...it makes the tension between the two of them even MORE overwhelming bc you keep anticipating something, and you get fleeting moments of it, but then it’s over by the time you blink. they keep toying with one another, but not crossing the line YET bc they know that that’ll change everything the moment they do. it’s such a testament to the writing AND the acting bc it’s the chemistry that bkpp have with one another that creates all of that push and pull dynamic, that yearning and desire. having to wait a whole week again is just devastating...i think next ep seems like it might be the climax?? i’m pretty sure it’ll be the ep where teh accepts his feelings (or at least won’t be able to hold himself back physically anymore), where all the build up finally properly erupts, but at the same time, i just know that the angst is going to start piling up and idk how to feel other than terrified bc i’m way too invested now tbh.

anyway, this drama is absolutely magnificent, and all i want to do is rave about how damn good it is. so high quality. it feels so fresh, like they’re reinvented the tried and true coming of age tale in a way, and we’re all just along for the ride. it transcends the typical thai BL story (and i now understand why they were hesitant to label this as BL when it really feels like it encompasses so much more than the usual BL tropes and story). one of my fave dramas of the year by far (BL or otherwise). it’s just a class apart from any drama i’ve watched before and ticks every single box for me. stunning in every way. down to every detail and every feeling and emotion. it’s so raw and real and i can’t praise what nadao and the team have done with this enough (and we still have 2 more eps to go!!). there’s just so much meaning in every little thing, and in all those little things you can see the time and care it’s taken them to make this.

[madeofsplinters]

for the symbols ask, would you mind all of them that you havent yet done for vader? you have very good opinions on him and i would like to hear them

Aw, thank you! Although man that is A LOT of Vader headcanons left to do :D But I like writing random stuff about him, soooo... Sad:

Vader still remembers all the Jedi younglings' names.

Angry/Violent:

I mean, what in Darth Vader's life *isn't* angry/violent? Lol. The particular way that he uses the Dark Side produces a really fucked up feedback loop: he's angry and in various forms of pain all the time, which produces an energy he can channel into violence, which produces self-hate and further pain, which produces more energy. Lather, rinse, repeat.

A lot of Palpatine's work with Vader is simply about managing this loop and adjusting as necessary. Giving him enough outlets for his rage that he doesn't just combust where he stands and start breaking things he isn't supposed to; tormenting him enough, and giving him the tools to self-torment, so that it never quite subsides into peace.

This isn't the only way of using the Dark Side, but it's a common one for Sith warriors; both Maul and Kylo Ren use something similar.

Sex:

Disabled people can, too have sex - it just takes a little more creativity. Vader has plenty of creativity, as well as magic super powers. If he doesn't indulge in such things - which, honestly, in canon he probably doesn't - then it's due to psychological factors: a conservative upbringing and ascetic lifestyle, unresolved grief for his wife, self-hate, depression, not wanting to let anyone in that close, etc.

Anyways if I see one more "BuT hIs DiCk DoEsN't WoRk" post here on Tumblr dot com, as if that body part is all that sex boils down to, I may actually scream.

Living Quarters:

When he's meditating in his stupid lava fortress, Vader senses the Dark Side nexus underneath him as if it's a living being, a kind of elemental lava spirit. Sometimes he talks to it in his head. (Is it "really talking" back to him? Is he just carrying out a strange symbolic drama in his own head? Don't ask - if you don't intuitively understand how a spiritual experience can be both these things at once, then you're not on Darth Vader's level.)

His favorite thing about the lava river is that it isn't Palpatine. Vader of all people knows how destructive lava is, but lava is direct and straightforward. It doesn't lie to him. It doesn't play games on purpose just to jerk him around. It just flows on and burns what's in its path, and there are days when Vader finds that both relatable and soothing.

Romantic:

Vader has a weakness for partners who are older than him, brave, smart, outwardly stable (the insides may vary), have a cute accent and strong negotiation and leadership skills, feed him attention in measured amounts, and are convinced they know better than him about everything. Padmé and Tarkin (and Obi-Wan, for that matter) all fit this type...

Friendship:

I mean, Vader doesn't really have friends, though. He is capable of forming really intense attachments to a few specific people, and tolerating others because of their competence, but anything in between those ends of the spectrum? Doesn't really compute. Vader does not chill or hang out or make pleasant conversation, not a lot of room for friends here.

Even as Anakin, he was a little like this. It was harder to tell, because his social circle was a lot bigger then - there were way more people in the "would die for them" circle, and way more who he went out of his way to be nice to, even if they weren't exactly close. But all of these social relationships involve some kind of power relation. Anakin has masters and fellow generals and an apprentice; he has favorite loyal troops and a favorite droid; he has a Supreme Chancellor who is being very nice to him for some reason. These are all people he works with, or who want something from him; he doesn't really have anyone he hangs out with just for the sake of hanging out with them. Padmé is the closest he gets to that, and even with her, he’s acting out a romantic role in the way that he thinks is expected of him so that he’ll deserve her love. (And doing a bad job of it, because Anakin is awkward, but never mind.)

Anakin has a huge heart and many attachments, don't get me wrong. But I don't think he's ever fully grasped the idea of a social connection that doesn't revolve around one of the people involved being useful to the other.

Quirks/Hobbies:

(I already did a “workshop/tinkering” one, so here’s a “flying” one...)

Vader's special experimental prototype TIE fighter is in constant need of repairs because of how recklessly he flies. It's not even that he crashes into things - it's just wear and tear because you're not actually supposed to yank the throttle that hard every damn time you turn the ship, Lord Vader, seriously how are you not passing out from those g-forces.

Vader is genuinely confused why the techs keep complaining. Podracers are used to having to rebuild their entire pod after every race. By that standard, he's doing great.

Childhood:

Tiny little bb Anakin wasn't actually any angrier than normal, at least by the standards of traumatized child slaves. Like, he was about at par. There were plenty of angrier ones. You couldn't have looked at him, in comparison to the other child slaves doing similar jobs in Mos Espa, and said "oh yeah that one in particular is gonna have anger and attachment issues."

He did stand out from the other kids, though, on account of just being a weird little nerd. He built a whole droid and a racing pod by himself and his master didn't even make him do it! He keeps talking about how he's going to be a Jedi and fly all around the galaxy and save the planet and marry a queen, when everybody knows there are at least three good reasons why that's wrong. He thinks random customers who come into his shop are his new friends! Anakin is just... weird. Off in his own little world. The other local slave kids know not to be too mean to him because he will always help you out in a pinch, and he is really good with machines, but other than that, I dunno, would you wanna hang out with Mr. I’m Gonna Be A Special Jedi?

Shmi sees this dynamic happening, but there's not much she can do, except to give Anakin all the love and reassurance that she wishes he was getting from his peers.

Cooking/Food:

Idk the Wookieepedia says that Vader can eat nutrient paste out of a straw in his mask if he wants to, but he doesn't want to because it tastes awful. So my questions here are (a) considering everything else they have to do, how can the suit's recesses possibly fit enough nutrient paste inside them for Vader's needs, and (b) seriously we're how many years in the future and we can't even make a nutrient paste that tastes good? We haven't even hit on "bland"? For the Emperor's chief enforcer, whose personal care budget is virtually unlimited? Yeah no, I'm calling canon error on this one. He can't eat, or it's too much trouble to get food into him with the other life support, so he's tube-fed. That's my headcanon.

Appearance:

Vader is very muscular. (This isn't really a "head"canon? He's literally played by a bodybuilder? But some fans disagree, so, eh.) He was already tall and strong when he was Anakin, but the suit adds height and it adds a LOT of extra weight that he has to be able to carry around with him literally every time he moves.

His recovery process after Revenge of the Sith involved having to learn how to move again, with new prosthetic limbs and horrifying new chronic injuries, basically from the ground up, and having to do it well enough that he could sword-fight Jedi Masters to the death, and he had to put on a ton of muscle in order to do that.

Palpatine was very strict in the nutrition and exercise regimes he imposed for this purpose. I have a sneaking suspicion that steroids were also involved.

[x-exo]

*slides into your asks with a rose in my mouth* why hello, tis me!

Apologies for the long wait but your favorite long asks anon is here and OOF so much has happened. Let us break it down one by one lol

Monsta x our beans, welp we can officially say we are army wives for them because shownu is now at the military and just welp this feels weird lol. I lowkey forgot he was meant to enlist so when the news came out I went through so many emotions. Its why the latest comeback feels a bit bittersweet to me. It is their BEST for sure and for this year, I agree so to not see him perform right before he left is a bit sad. I don't blame him of course (if anyone does i am fish slapping you) but just a shame. I'm happy we do get content with him still? Seems pre-planned so that is nice!

Onto legends exo, fantastic comeback. I cannot stop listening to the album, its just bops full of bops to me. They broke so many records and I'm over here sipping my tea because fudge yes. It isn't a full member comeback, 2 of the members featured in the comeback are off playing call of duty and they still did THAT. While having lay properly in the comeback!? (Or at least some form, better than tempo era!) Kyungsoo my beloved, the man that can swoon you off your feet, his proper solo album. Omg I am just in love? The album feels like a Playlist that you hear while taking a walk or on a raodtrip? I love it, I just love everything about this with how much thought was given. It makes me feel warm and I'm so proud of him (I think he even got a first win) but sadly xiumin got the it shall not be named virus D: I feel so bad and I can only hope he gets better! It makes me worried because I keep seeing more and more idols getting sick and I can't help but wonder why don't the kpop entertainment just put a pause with stuff? Of course that is VERY unrealistic, I am aware that is naive for me to think but its just so idk how to word it properly (my English brain is not working I am sorry) I cannot help the feeling of while I get people are being safe and yes we need to still live like normal beings, is it worth risking idols health just for some entertainment? Idk how to explain my thoughts properly but maybe I hope I made sense!!

Onto svt! That is perfectly fine to not vibe with a comeback! I will admit, I didn't fully vibe with this comeback and it shocked me because every comeback was a hit to me. Even fear, left and right or homerun where I know many fans were split on, I liked but RTL was a grower. For me, listening to it without watching the mv, helped it alot and it is a song I like. Is it their best? No I don't think so but it is alright to say "hey I didn't bop to this, not my cup of tea" (imo I blame the mv? The mv REALLY didn't do the song justice at all, I am sorry if I sound like a fake fan but this mv Just is bad in all aspects. Sure we have some pretty shots but like it just doesn't fit at all?) So if anything listening to the song or wishing the live performances does it better. Seeing the choreography amps the song up more, cannot go wrong with their dancing. As for the rest of the songs, I admit game boy is my top favorite? Idk if it is because I am a gaming nerd and found all the production of the song so creative but yeah. We can wait for the next comeback! Svt always have something up their sleeves, plus we do have their music projects to look forward too (I wonder when we will get one? Seeing as RTL promotions stopped) some positive news with the boys is they resigned like a year before their contract ends and I'm a bit emotional :') I'm excited to see the boys future projects. We did have caratland recently! Did you watch it if I may ask? We did get in the soop confirmation so I'm excited to watch that, the boys deserve that nice break (even if it was filmed for a show fjsbsns)

Ok I think that is it for kpop updates? XD I do hope life has been treating you kindly! Life has been a bit all over the place sadly so I hope it wasn't like that for you as well! Until next time my bean!

hii!!!! omg sorry for the late reply i've been pretty busy these days 🙈

indeed so much has happened! and much more since you sent this ask omg!!

our shownu is at war *looks into the distance* *wipes away tear* *sighs* by now I got used to enlistment news (see what happens when you stan 2nd and 3rd gen groups) but STILL [[IT HURT]] when they uploaded the monchannel videos of his goodbye day like ????? what kind of twisted mind diuhdfuihdifuhs but the boys were all so cute and soft but they seemed so sad they didn't want to let go of their super leader :(( I hope he's learning lots and making new friends (and also we've got our international super spy yoo kihyun giving us small updates on him every now and then so everything's fine!). Yeah I totally get you it felt empty without him this comeback and at first it didn't really clicked with me but when the enlistment news came out i understood he had to take care of his health and thoroughly check on his eye sight in order to be 100% ready for the military so it made sense he had to be absent :( everything was so close (the comeback and enlistment) that I'm sure there was no other way for doing it I'm pretty sure he couldn't maybe postpone the enlistment day any further

onto exo! my ksoo my soft boi my romantic boi 🥺 his album is so him SO HIM i can't explain it bur it's just HIM you know it's the type of album you'd play on loop on a summer afternoon when you've taken your papers and paints outside in the garden to paint a bit with the warm soft breeze moving the trees lightly 🤧 and he signs in English and SPANISH (he did it for me) my multilingual king he's a native. Also I've been watching Honeymoon Tavern with Jongin these days and OMG i could d word for him really (if you haven's watched it go do it when you have time) he's SO SOFT and SO CUTE and he works as a waiter and a wedding planner and helps with the room preparations and is also a tour guide and he's just so cute so happy al the time the way he interacts with everyone is so 🥺🤧😭 onto more serious stuff now: yeah i was so worried about minseok catching covid omg but i'm glad he went through it with our any major complication and the rest of the boys are safe too! I guess the industry doesn't stop bc that would mean a huge loss of thousands and thousands of dollars/won/etc so as long as the gov doesn't prohibit going out or gathering like at the beginning of the pandemic, they'll keep on going with the idols' schedules otherwise the industry would just shut down having no way of earning money to sustain all the companies and idols.

as for seventeen! yeah i like the songs too! the mv sure ruined rtl and listening to it without watching it has really helped it grow on me more but still it feels kind of meh to me idk i really like anyone i think it's my favourite from the album. AND NOW WE'VE GOT A COMEBACK IN OCTOBER!!!! yayyyyy i can't wait they seem to be preparing very diligently (i hope they release a sexy bop) it's a shame junhao aren't gonna be present for this comeback but i'm soooooo happy they have the opportunity to visit their families again omg they have spent 2 whole years without seeing them in the flesh they must be so happy to get back to them again!!! it's so funny seeing them be bored at the quarantine hotel and doing lives every day duhdfiudhfiuh i hope it passes quickly and they can see their loved ones finally! and I did watch Caratland!! omg the unit switch song was the best thing ever hhu doing lilili yabbay and not being able to stop laughing idfuhdifuhs perf team doing chocolate and owning it????? hello??? performance team more like main vocal team wow! and the vocal team being a complete mess during check in lmaooo i loved it! In The Soop has finally started!!! I love these kind of "normal life" concepts I love seeing the boys being themselves cooking and relaxing I've watched the first and second eps as of today and also few clips from the third and omg mingyu and jeonghan drowning in the pond dfuhidfhidfs lmao they're so dumb i love them 🤣 i'm glad they could go away for a few days and spend time together away from their hectic schedules!

I hope you're well now and if not hang in there it'll all pass soon enough! 🥰💕 bye bye!!

p.s.: I got your request for the svt this or that gifset and i promise i’ll do it one day i just don’t feel like giffing these days dhbduusi i’m out of energy 

[stareyedplanet]

Birthday Surprises [p.p.]

•••••••••••••••••

Pairing: Peter Parker x Fem!reader Summary: Peter takes time from saving New York to spend time with you on your birthday, and he’s got a few surprises up his sleeve to make the day truly special. Notes: this is a very self - indulgent fic considering it is my birthday today, so seriously, do not come at me. you have been warned. even still there are like no descriptors. i think i mentioned he runs his fingers through her hair? maybe she blushes? i honestly can’t remember. i don’t really reread and edit soooo… and he picks out her outfit if that ruins your creative ability idk. people be weird sometimes. anywho, any feedback is appreciated other than the stuff i mentioned. Warnings: pure fluff, maybe a kiss or two Word Count: 2,348 ••••••••••••••••• You had never really been one to celebrate your birthday in the past. When you were younger you had a few parties, but as you got older birthday plans just seemed to fizzle out into nothingness. It always made you a little sad, but that was probably because the last birthday party you had you ended up sobbing at. Yeah, maybe it’s a good thing you didn’t have a birthday party after that. You didn’t have very high expectations for the day, since to you it was just another day and another year. Your life wasn’t going to dramatically change because you were a year older. Really you just thought that maybe you would see Peter in between his patrols, and you’d put a candle on the little cupcake you got yourself. But Peter Parker had other plans.

He knew that you never really celebrated, but he wanted to make the day special for you. To him, you deserved one special day dedicated to you — really you deserved every day to be special and dedicated to you.

He couldn’t be more thankful for such a perfect and patient girlfriend. You never complained when he canceled on a date, or when he went on patrol so long you only got to see him a few minutes. Any time he ever had a cut or a bruise, you would sit him down and patch him up, always putting on a brave smile to cheer him up, even if he knew you were always terrified you would lose him. But you never let it get to you. You were always there for him and never showed signs of backing down.

So he was determined to make today special for you.

It was early when he was knocking on the door to your place, a sweet smile lighting up his entire face. He took in your appearance, still dressed in an oversized shirt and baggy sleep pants. Your hair was a mess around your face, frizzy and unbrushed.

This wouldn’t do.

“What are you doing? You have to get dressed! We have a busy day, come on.” Peter coaxed as he walked into your place, pushing you towards your room.

“Peter? I thought you would have patrol this morning?” You said, clearly confused as to what the boy was on about. Not that you were unhappy to see him. You loved being able to hang out with Peter longer than normal.

“Nope. Today is all about you, angel,” Peter grinned, kissing your cheek as he pushed you into your room before going to the dresser and pulling out an appropriate outfit. And by that he meant jeans and his old Midtown sweatshirt you had stolen ages ago.

“What are you doing?” You laughed as he pushed the clothes into your hands before turning his back to you so you could get dressed.

“Tik tok, Y/N,” he sang, waiting patiently for you to finish getting dressed. He knew you were done when you wrapped your arms around his waist, pressing your cheek against his back and just inhaling his scent.

“Can’t we just stay in, Peter? Seriously, I don’t need anything big.” You argued quietly, nuzzling into him more.

Peter turned around in your arms and kissed your head, playing with the ends of your freshly brushed hair. He just swayed with you for a minute before he shook his head.

“Nope. My special girl deserves a special day. Come on, you’ll love it, Y/N. Trust me…” Peter said, giving you sweet puppy eyes. You could never say no to those eyes. Not really.

“Fine, I trust you Peter. But promise we can just come here and watch Lilo and Stitch at the end of the day?” You asked him, looping your arms around his neck.

Peter gave you an Eskimo kiss, nudging his nose against yours.

“It’s on the plan, angel. I promise. We’ll have cuddles and movies later.” Peter assured you, pressing his lips against yours quickly. “Now are you ready?”

“Yes, I’m ready.” You agreed finally, grabbing your phone and keys, slipping each of them into their normal pockets.

Peter laced his fingers with yours as he led you out of your apartment and down to his car, helping you into the passenger seat before climbing into his side. He subconsciously reached over and buckled your seatbelt before giving you a sheepish look of apology. He knew you didn’t like it when he did that. Sure you thought it was cute that he was worried about your safety, but it borderlined him being overly worried and protective.

But today it didn’t seem to bother you. In fact, you smiled at him and just shook your head in amusement, which made Peter’s face brighten as well. His hand rested on your thigh as he drove to the first location of the day. Breakfast. He watched as you began bouncing in your seat when you realized where he was pulling into.

IHOP.

You absolutely loved the place, but you hardly ever got to go. And Peter clearly knew you if this was where he was taking you for breakfast. He once again led you inside and you all took your seats.

“Come on Peter, tell me what else you have up your sleeve for today?” You asked him, leaning across the table to talk. You batted your eyelashes at him, hoping he might tell you what else he had planned.

“Nope, it’s a surprise, Jellybean,” Peter grinned. He wasn’t usually good at keeping secrets but he was determined to make sure he didn’t let a single thing slip.

Before you knew it you two had been there for two hours, laughing and talking and teasing. You were sure you could have sat longer but Peter had someplace else for you to go and began to usher you out.

You waited patiently in the car as Peter drove, his hand returning to it’s spot on your thigh, the other controlling the wheel. You bit your lip as you looked at him, hoping your stare down might get him to crack. It didn’t.

This drive was a little longer than the first one, so you knew you weren’t headed back to either of your places.

“Peter, where are we going?” You whined quietly, hating surprises. But you trusted Peter.

“You will see. Jeez, be patient, Angel,” Peter laughed quietly, squeezing your thigh gently.

You tried for a while longer to get it out of him but ultimately gave up, leaning your head against the window to watch the buildings passing by. It was thirty minutes later when Peter told you to close your eyes.

With an amused smile you placed your hands over your eyes, waiting patiently for Peter to park the car, come around to your side and help you out. He then led you around while making sure your eyes were closed. Peter was so excited to see your reaction. He had gotten help from Mr. Stark for this one, so he really hoped you would like it.

You two eventually stopped and Peter moved behind you, wrapping his arms around your waist and resting his chin on your shoulder. “Open your eyes.” He whispered to you.

So you did.

You looked around and your jaw dropped when you saw the large Broadway sign. He had brought you to Broadway Theatre. And when you glanced down he was holding two tickets for Wicked. You turned your head to share your look of shock and happiness with him. You had wanted to go to a Broadway show for so long, and Peter had made it happen.

“Peter… how?” You asked him, turning in his arms with teary eyes.

“Mr. Stark helped me get really good tickets. He also… may have paid for them to run the show tonight.” Peter explained quietly.

“You got… Tony Stark to pay to run Wicked on my birthday for me?” You asked incredulously.

“Of course I did. Do you like it?” Peter asked.

“Like it? Peter this is literally the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me. I love it.” You said before throwing your arms around him.

The show lasted for around two hours, and you were on the edge of your seat the entire time. Peter thought it was cute how into the musical you were, and he found himself spacing out to stare at you for chunks of the performance. He wouldn’t admit that if you asked though.

The performance was over in a flash, and you were both disappointed and invigorated because of it. It only had just ended yet you wanted to watch it again and again. Peter had made a good choice.

“Thank you for such a wonderful day.” You murmured to him as you walked out of the theater. “You’re welcome, jellybean, but the day is far from over.” He grinned.

“What do you mean?” You asked, surprised that he had more planned.

“I mean it’s time to get back in the car. And don’t worry, the next part has more standing up and walking around.” He told you as you two headed to the car.

“Peter, I really don’t need anything else.” You tried to tell him.

“Come on, you’ll love it…” Peter said, giving you puppy eyes. “Please?”

“Fine.” You sighed. He had seemed to put a lot of effort into it all so you didn’t want to ruin it. “But then can we just go home?”

“Yes. Scout’s honor after this last place we will watch movies and cuddle.”

“You weren’t a scout.” You reminded him with a smile.

“There’s a lot you don’t know about me, Y/N.” He teased, wiggling his eyebrows. It made you laugh as he pulled onto the road once more, taking you to your last mystery location.

It was a 40 minute drive.

It was long and you were already sick of sitting in this car, but every time you whined like a child asking if you were there yet, Peter would only laugh and tell you that you were ‘getting close love.’

Once again when you were in the final stretch, Peter told you to close your eyes so he could properly surprise you. Much in the same fashion as earlier, Peter helped you out of the car and began to walk you along. Only this time you could somewhat hear where you were going.

“Peter… are we at Coney Island?” You asked him. Your eyes were still covered so you couldn’t see the pout and puppy eyes Peter gave you. He uncovered your eyes since you had guessed.

“Yes… you ruined your own surprise you know.” Peter told you, kissing the tip of your nose.

You giggled, shaking your head as you threw your arms around him. He really was probably the sweetest and best boyfriend you could ever even dream of.

“I know. It’s not my fault I have ears though.” You pointed out, pulling him into another hug.

“Yeah, but still…” Peter whined.

Eventually the boy gave up on the argument and pulled you into the park. The first thing he tugged you to was the swinging chairs, knowing it would give you two a great view of everything around. And despite the line, you two were able to get right on, another compliment of Mr. Stark. It was that way with everything. You had unlimited rides and unlimited games. Nothing could be better, except maybe just being home, cuddling with Peter.

Next you chose to play some of the carnival games that were everywhere, after Peter begged you to stop for cotton candy. And of course you had agreed, only you chose to steal from his rather than get your own.It was a whirlwind and before you knew it, hours had passed by in the blink of an eye, leaving you and Peter thoroughly tired out from your fun. It meant it was time to go, even if Peter was disappointed he hadn’t won you anything — rather, you won him a stuffed dog you two agreed to share custody of.

Before you two could leave, you pulled Peter into a photobooth, wanting to have some memento of the evening. But finally it was time to go home, and this time Peter told you he was headed to his place for one last surprise.

Your leg was bouncing with anticipation as you waited for him to get to his place. What more could this boy possibly have up his sleeve?

It turned out, Peter had set up the sweetest little fort in the middle of his living room. Aunt May was nowhere in sight and it just left the two of you. He handed you a little cupcake with a candle on it.

“Happy Birthday, Jellybean.” Peter smiled, kissing you softly. “Let’s watch some movies.”

You both walked over to his fort, getting rid of your shoes and climbing in. You settled between his legs, your back pressed against his chest as you ate your chocolate cupcake.

“What was your favorite part of the day?” Peter asked you eventually, after settling on Lilo and Stitch. He tried to fight for Rapunzel, but it was your birthday so of course he lost. Not that he didn’t usually lose that fight.

“Hmm, you know what? This is my favorite part.” You replied quietly.

Peter frowned, surprised and confused by your answer. “Really? But we do this all the time.” He said, knowing this wasn’t new or special.

“I know. But that’s what makes it great. All I need is you and some Disney movies and I’m happy. Everything else was great… but this is my favorite place to be.” You admitted to him. There was nothing better than cuddles and movies with Peter.

“Oh…” he murmured, suddenly feeling shy as his cheeks went 

“I love you Peter… You were all I needed to make today special.” You whispered, twisting in his arms so you could kiss him.

“I love you too, Y/N.” Peter smiled, resting his forehead against hers. “Happy birthday, angel.”

[samandmaxanotherway]

i had planned forever ago to make a full fan soundtrack for AW (fic) but then never finished it/lost in interest in trying to find songs, so i figured instead that i would just share the songs tht were as insp for me while writing AW instead!! bc hey, why not lol. im just listing these in order on my playlist BUT im also gonna give context as to why these songs were insp if/when possible which will have spoilers to AW but tbh im assuming if ur traversing this blog u’ve already read it gkjhg. songs listed under the cut!!

-kira 

ok so this was being written when i was like. rlly into hadestown & i kept making connections between the story & the songs sOOOOO we’re gonna list all the hadestown songs first gkjfhg

Doubt Comes In (mostly for the scene prior to sam’s revival, where max is questioning if he’ll even get him back)

Epic II (sort of like a song to depict max’s feelings of isolation & anger toward sam growing distant from him over the years)

Wait For Me (BIG song for sam whenever max loses his brain......)

Hey, Little Songbird (this song reminds me of the scene where skunkape’s trying to convince max to side w/ him ok)

Chant (Reprise) (listened to this song w/ the mental image of everyone pulling together to make their final move (primarily whenever sam’s fighting skunkape/trying to stop the maimtron to save max) & also specifically imagined this w/ sam as orpheus, superego as eurydice & skunkape as hades so ✌)

Epic III (takes place aFTER sam gets revived & idk i associate this w/ sam confessing that he got scared of losing max & that he let it consume him to the point of it damaging their relationship & apologizing to max for kinda neglecting him)

Wait For Me (Reprise) (u know damn well this happens between sam & superego before sam goes to stop the maimtron from killing max)

ok now we’re done w/ hadestown here’s some other songs now lmaO

I Will Follow You Into The Dark - Death Cab For Cutie (during the scene w/ sam & superego as sam’s fading away........idk im emo 😔)

I’d Give Anything - Tangled (sam song, specifically during the week or so when max is a monster & he misses him a lot)

Far Away - Tyga (I ASSOCIATE THis mostly with the part where sam finds out max had his brain removed, actually the pic for tht part is named after this song lmao)

I Bet My Life - Imagine Dragons (overall just a sam song, more leaning to right before he goes to skunkape’s ship to stop the maimtron)

Caraphernelia - Pierce The Veil (max song, post-breaking up w/ sam. it’s his angry break-up song basicall y gkJKHGKJGH)

Sleepwalking - Elliot Lee (also a max song, upset abt his rocky relationship w/ sam :( )

Better Than Me - Hinder (SAM SONG, lamenting abt the fact tht he realizes its mostly his fault tht him & max broke up & how he believes max deserves better than him. mostly during the week where max is mia bc Giant Monster)

Come Hang Out - AJR (this is mostly pre-AW but it kinda fits w/ sam progressively growing more distant bc he’s trying so hard to be careful)

Zombie - Damned Anthem (not really fitting for anything tbh but i DID listen to this song while writing skunkape attacking max & it WAS almost the trailer song as well so there’s that lol)

Sink or Swim - Castor Troy (i think is insp primarily bc of /scourgadow’s awesome s&m edits but i do remember listening to it on a loop while writing sam going through his ‘trial’ for the chthonic destroyer)

Main Theme - Pacific Rim (associate this a lot w/ the overall part when max is a monster)

Miracle - The Score (hhEY i’ve rbed this song on this blog before gkjfhgj. yeah this is a sam song, specifically during the week when max is a monster)

A Violent Encounter & Revived Power - Chris Baines (u already know damn well what this is for but i’ll say it anyway; whenever sammy’s scaling maxthulu. shadow of the elder god babey /j)

The Forgotten Children - Aranzazu Calleja (its the trailer sonnngggggg)

Army of One - Shelby Merry (i think i listened to this on a loop at some point, & also its a girl stinky song)

Saving Metroville - The Incredibles (put this bad boy on a loop while writing sam & stinky going up against skunkape bc it is, in my opinion, one of the hardest hitting final fight osts)

Happier - Marshmello ft. Bastille (sam song, specifically for the beginning chapter when he decides to break up w/ max bc all theyre doing is fighting....)

Trying to Save Stitch - Lilo & Stitch 2: Stitch Has a Glitch (this is during the part when max is transforming into a monster!!!!)

[aurorawest]

"More about his kinks? His rich history of sexual assault and how that messes with him? His hang-ups around physical attraction and emotional attraction? Something else that I’m forgetting to list?" ALL OF THE ABOVE! Seriously, if you wrote an essay on each topic I'd def read it, LOL, I'm so on board 🥳

I’m so sorry for taking forever to answer these. I felt like I wasn’t really giving the topic the due it deserved—I still think I could say more, and say it better, but here’s what I’ve got for now!

TW for talk about general sex stuff and sexual assault.

Section 1: Who is Loki attracted to?

Loki is bi/pan (not a label he would apply to himself, but I’m going to use it as shorthand). This is something he’s known about himself since his early adolescence. He probably was more aware of being attracted to women, just because, you know, heteronormativity. I head canon that queerness wasn’t totally accepted on Asgard when he was young, but there was a wide range of opinion and there were certainly many people that were totally accepting (amongst them, his family). And by the time of the MCU timeline, my hc is that attitudes are largely accepting. So young Loki is aware he’s attracted to men, and he’s willing to pursue that, but he’s still nervous about making it widely known. A lot of that is tied up with not feeling like it’s Asgardian enough, it’s not the kind of masculinity that Asgardians seem to prize. 

My personal head canon is that Loki has been attracted to more men than women.

Section 2: When is he attracted to them?

I sometimes think that I sort of head canon Loki as demisexual (again, not a term he’d use). I see Loki’s libido becoming further and further separated from his capacity for emotional intimacy as he gets older. He gets to a point where he almost never feels attracted to someone unless he’s got that emotional connection...but he doesn’t like admitting to an emotional connection. So he’ll be like, ‘Oh, I just think he’s hot, no biggie. He just pops up in my sexual fantasies all the time, exclusively actually, and I regularly get off to the thought of him undressing—but it’s just physical! I don’t actually like him!” Like he’s fully aware that for other people, this is a thing that can be true. But it’s not true for him. In order for him to be really sexually attracted to someone, he has to have that emotional bond. Which again, he’ll deny. It’s a really healthy emotional cycle.

Section 3: Idk if it’s really sexuality but his genderfluidity

So again, I don’t think genderfluid is a term Loki would use to describe himself, and I also don’t think it’s quite the right word to use to describe what he is (just my personal hc, I of course do not have any issue at all with other people using the term to describe him). I definitely have Loki’s shapeshifting as part of his character, though I write him in his male form 95% of the time for a number of reasons, some of them related to canon, some of them more as a personal response to fanon. That’s out of scope for this ask, haha. I write him as identifying as male in his male form and female in her female form.

Section 4: Compartmentalization of sex as separate from emotional intimacy

Loki views sex, and his body, as a commodity. It’s another tool in his arsenal. He sees it as diplomacy, as a way to get what he wants, to save his life, whatever. He can and will use sex as a bargaining chip.

It’s maybe as a result of this, or maybe the other way around, that Loki doesn’t really feel sexual attraction to people unless he’s already got an emotional connection. He’s completely compartmentalized these two aspects of intimacy, to the point where he really fears the emotional intimacy that would lead to him feeling actual sexual attraction. Because he sees sex and sexual attraction as something he can control, it’s the less scary of the two. So sex is preferable to love. With sex, he can be in control (or tell himself he’s in control) of the situation, in the sense that he has consented to it in some way. But love? He didn’t consent to that. He doesn’t want to feel that. He can’t stop himself from feeling it and he can’t control who he feels it for.

Section 5: Sub/Dom?

I covered this in an earlier ask but I might as well talk about it again! My Loki is very very sexually submissive most of the time. Likes being put in his place, controlled, held down, told what to do, etc etc. He can be dominant sometimes, if the mood strikes him, but his preference is to be submissive.

Related to his nervousness around coming out, Loki very much felt like as the prince, as an Asgardian Man, there was like...a right way to have sex. If he was going to have sex with men, he was going to top. Only top. And he was going to be dominant about it. He had to be in charge, even though this really didn’t come naturally to him. So in his early sexual encounters, that’s what he did, even though it wasn’t what he wanted. This led to him having a lot of unsatisfactory sex as a young man, haha.

He also spent a decent portion of his life being ashamed of the kind of things that turn him on, because again, he thinks it’s bad optics for who he is.

Section 6: Kinks

My Loki isn’t Kinky™, he’s actually pretty vanilla. His favorite position is getting it from behind, and his second favorite position is missionary, and if he only did those two things for the rest of his life, he wouldn’t have a problem with it. He does, however, have kinks, and they are: authority and humiliation. This is kind of where the ‘very very’ comes from in ‘very very sexually submissive,’ ha. He likes feeling degraded, he likes being ordered around. Dirty talk is good, and preferably he’s being told about how bad he’s being and how he needs to be punished.

Caveat with this, which leads into my next point: he only really likes it if it’s with someone he loves. Because...

Section 7: Those kinks have fucked him up!

So part of me can’t help but think that the reason I see Loki with an authority kink is because of his daddy issues, haha. He pretty clearly has a deep need to please his father (not sexually, ew), and I think he then ends up being drawn to powerful authority figures. Thanos and the Grandmaster come to mind. I don’t head canon that anything sexual went on with Thanos (though I could be pretty easily persuaded to write some fucked up fic about it happening), but I absolutely head canon that stuff went on with the Grandmaster.

My head canon is that the Grandmaster was trying to get into Loki’s pants pretty much from the moment Loki showed up in front of him—constantly flirting, way too handsy, orgy invitations, parties with drugged drinks, the whole shebang. Loki was able to get away with not actually having sex with him, though, and always holding it out as a possibility in order to stay in the Grandmaster’s good graces. But when Thor and the Hulk fight in the arena, Loki offers sex in exchange for Thor’s life being spared (I have a fic about this, it’s called Lacuna). The sex is...not good for Loki. There’s definitely BDSM involved, and he is not into that. The Grandmaster rapes him. Repeatedly.

And...Loki is into humiliation and authority. So when he’s degraded and humiliated by the Grandmaster, and he gets off, he goes into this shame feedback loop. This is the kind of thing he likes, and if he likes it then there’s nothing wrong with what happened to him, and he put himself in the position anyway, and if he climaxed then it wasn’t assault, etc etc. He gets this way about non-sexual situations as well; like he definitely feels he deserved what he got with Thanos, and that he deserved to die on Svartalfheim because he feels responsible for Frigga’s death. He has this way of pushing blame off himself and never taking responsibility for his actions...until he does, and then he blames himself for everything.

Section 8: Yes I head canon Loki has a rich history of sexual assault

Oof, guys, Loki has been assaulted so many times in my head canon. His first experience was as an adolescent, where he almost gets gang-raped by two security guards. There were definitely other dubious to nonconsensual experiences in pre-Thor 1 times.

There are some traumatic times after his Fall:

He does some time at the Kiln, and he allows a prison guard to pretty much do whatever he wants to Loki. Loki uses this to escape.

Eventually, Loki ends up getting captured and sold into slavery. He ends up in a sex trafficking market, where he’s raped repeatedly, including gang-raped. He’s heavily drugged during this time to keep him from escaping but still has some memories of it. This is where the Black Order picks him up. They repeatedly remind him that they ‘saved’ him.

Then, of course, there’s the aforementioned stuff with the Grandmaster.

Section 9: Not that he'll ever call it that

Oh yeah but Loki will never in a million years call any of this ‘rape.’ In almost every assault, he’ll tell himself that he actually never said no, so actually, he was in control. He could have stopped it, but he just didn’t, because of Reasons. So it’s not rape. He had it under control. He did. Seriously. There’s no trauma.

He just tries not to think about the time in the sex trafficking market because he can’t really contort that into anything but what it was. If he has to think about it, usually he figures he deserved it.

I mentioned this in an ask recently, where I think one of Loki’s deepest fears is losing control. I think he really fears losing control over a situation, but his biggest fear is losing control over himself. In my hc, Loki really feels as though his grasp on his sense of self is tenuous at best; that he isn’t in control of his own mind (hello, Mind Stone, you didn’t help); that he might just do something that he didn’t plan or want to do. You know that feeling you get where you look at a window and think, What if I just jumped out? Loki really, really fears that feeling, because he’s not sure he can stop himself from actually following through. And stripping him of his bodily autonomy with sexual assault is just another way to fuck him up. Having him deny what it is because he’s so terrified of losing control adds a delicious layer of toxicity to the whole brew.

Section 10: But I still think he's capable of finding The One and having a great sex life and an unbreakable emotional bond

Having said that! Loki’s sexual trauma doesn’t actually hamper his ability to have sex. It does hamper his ability to fall in love, because falling in love is another form of losing control. I think that he could definitely get triggered by certain sexual things, but of course, I write him with Stephen, who is basically the kindest, most considerate lover ever, haha. I talked in another ask about how Loki’s humiliation and authority kinks, coupled with his lack of communication skills, lead him to expect Stephen to be a mindreader, and to just kind of...do the stuff that Loki wants him to do. But of course, Stephen isn’t going to do something that could actually cause Loki physical pain without being explicitly told to do so and receiving Loki’s enthusiastic consent. But Loki doesn’t want to communicate! Loki thinks it’s hot to just get ravaged.

My fic is about a lot of this stuff, not necessarily explicitly the sexual stuff, but a lot of the issues that are bound up with it—the control issues, the attraction to authority figures, the difficulty forming emotional bonds. Through the course of my main series, Loki is really picking away at getting better about all of this, and the endgame, of course, is that he’s able to accept being loved, and loving in return.

I feel like I didn’t articulate any of this as well as I wanted to, but I didn’t want to let this ask sit in my inbox forever, and I’ve been picking away at this now for like two weeks. So, I hope that was a satisfying essay! I could probably go on tbh, but I’ll leave it at this.

[ajokeformur-ray]

Okay I’ve been thinking about the Reader wanting to make Patrick smile more so for like a whole day or something the reader compliments and flirts with Pat and to see his reaction. And it ends with Patrick finding out about it and him being all happy and bubbly cuz “wow she really cares about me” and it’s all fluffy and sweet (with maybe kisses at the end idk) Thx💕

OMG this is so cute ~ it’s exactly what he deserves. Thank you for this, this was so sweet and made me feel so full of love and warmth.💛

There’s some angst in this because that was my mood at the time of writing ksksks it’s predominantly fluff though.

Word count: 1, 496.

Since the day you had met, Patrick always had a smile or a witty comment for you. He was your ray of sunshine, he always had been, even and most especially when he didn’t feel like he could be.

Indeed on those days, with his heart made of gold, did Pat work even harder to be your sunshine, to be everything that you knew he was.

Similarly, you were his ray of sunshine. His smile made you smile and so began the never ending loop of smiling, with love at its core. 

You were best friends, inseparable until the very end, and your heart was clenching at the dark clouds which hang so surely over Pat’s head. 

He had been frowning instead of smiling for what was to be the third day in a row and it was driving you mad.

You desperately wanted to help him but currently were his walls as tall as yours had been before you had met him, and it was all you could do to even get his face to settle into a resting expression.

He was grieving his grandfather and homesick at the same time and it made his heart so heavy that it hung over his head and poisoned his every thought. Crying wasn’t something he liked to indulge in but right now, oh... right now that was what he wanted to do the most.

Your sunshine had been chased away by the storm clouds of life and you would do anything to bring him back, to put even one smile back on his face.

So that was what you were going to do today - you were going to love on Pat as hard as you could - and hope that it would help him, that it would help him to come back into himself. 

He was your best friend and you yearned for more but that wasn’t important right now. What was important was being there for him, in whatever capacity he needed you to be.

It was the weekend so it was easy for you to let yourself into Pat’s apartment with the spare key he had given you. The two of you had no secrets from each other; that wasn’t what you were both about.

You both craved intense connection with another person, and every single day did the two of you choose each other to be friends with, to love and to support each other with all that you were.

“Sunshine!” You let out an enthusiastic call as you made your way through the apartment, looking for your Pattycake.

“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when - “ You continued to hum the song as you checked all the rooms. 

As you sung, “when skies are grey,” you found a lump of a man curled up on the sofa in the living room, a blanket tossed over his head.

A chuckle sounded from the mound on the sofa as the irony of the lyric coupled with Pat’s mood fully registered.

It wasn’t a happy sound, one that tugged at your heartstrings and made your own lips quirk upwards in response. It was steeped in sadness, every musical chord tinged in a desperate need for relief.

Pat needed you and you had never and would never let him down, let him go without a fight. He was your best friend and no matter what, you were there for him and with him.

“Sunshiiiine!” You bent down with a coo and pulled the blanket away from Pat’s face, revealing him in all his frowny glory.

You kicked your shoes off and, having seen that look in Pat’s eyes - like he was a kicked puppy - you eased yourself down atop him, making a show of getting comfortable. 

So well did you know him that you knew that he was asking to be cuddled even without having to speak. It was one of the many things which you loved about each other; the ability to just... know what the other was thinking and feeling without any words having to be exchanged.

You wriggled atop him trying to get the blanket to fall back over your bodies and Pat huffed amusement through his nose as he wrapped his legs and arms around you in full on Koala Mode, tucking his back into the crook of your neck.

“There’s my Peppermint - the prettiest boy I’ve ever seen.”

“Oh, you think I’m pretty?” Pat’s chocolate eyes gazed up at you from underneath mahogany eyelashes and you spotted, through the sarcastic tone of voice, the very real seed of insecurity which he wrestled with every single day.

When Pat was sad about one thing, everything else quickly followed. it was something which you had in common with him and it was party why the both of you got on together so well. You both saw each other and loved each other all the more for it.

You latched onto that seed of insecurity, taking every hint you could that Pat needed you. “You’re the prettiest boy.”

“Well, thank you,” Pat gave a small and real giggle, “You’re not too bad yourself, Y/N.”

“How’s my sunshine feeling?”

You had both always been able to take the good with the bad, to have moments in seriousness even amongst the laughing times.

“Better,” Pat sighed and squeezed his limbs around you, shifting you so that you were cradled more securely in his embrace. “Still cloudy.”

He was the upset one and yet he was comforting you, so naturally sweet was he. 

A pause and then, “Wait, your sunshine? Someone’s not afraid of me.”

You smoothed your hands through his curls, which fell about his head like a dark halo, and felt yourself sinking into your best friend’s body; he ran like a heater and he was always hot, even in summer.

Again and for the second time in as many minutes did you find a seed of insecurity in his voice and you latched onto it, turned it in your favour so that you could cheer him up. 

“We’ve had this conversation before, Pat. I could never be afraid of you, my sunshine.” You felt tempted to sing the song again but you resisted the urge. This wasn’t about you. “You’re so pretty - your soft, fluffy hair,” You stroked your hands through to iterate your point, ““Those beautiful eyes”, you tapped the end of his nose with a finger, “And, bestie, you have a jawline for days.”

At that, Pat did burst out into genuine laughter, your body shaking as his own convulsed. “Keep talkin’ like that and I’ll think you came over today just to cheer me up.”

Hah, busted. 

You paused for too long and Pat scoffed, pulling his head back to look at you properly, his arms tightening around you, his feet rubbing along your shins as he got more comfortable underneath you.

“Wait - did you?”

You tried to play it stupid. “Did I what?”

“Come here just to cheer me up?”

“... Yeah.”

“Wow, you... wow, you really care about me, don’t you?” There was true emotion in Pat’s voice, as if he was only, just now, realising that you were best friends, but also that there was more.

You had let yourself in to his apartment. You had climbed on top of him knowing he needed a cuddle without him even needing to ask. You were cradled in his arms. He felt like you were at home with him, like he was also at home with you.

It was almost as if...

Pat started chuckling, the sound happy for the first time in three days and you couldn’t have helped the beam on your face if you had tried as you fully took in his joy.

... as if he loved you.

“I love you, Y/N, you know that?”

“I love you too, Pat.”

“No, Y/N,” Pat moved to cup your face in his hands, his chocolate eyes bright and full of love...

Love.

“I love you, Y/N. Thank you.”

Pat’s words sunk deeply into your mind and caressed your brain. It filtered into your heart and set your soul ablaze.

You sunk your face back into the crook of his neck and pressed a kiss over his pulse point, your lips lingering, and you rose yourself up so that your hair was falling and mixing with his curls.

Your noses were centimetres from each other’s and you pressed a kiss to the tip of Pat’s nose and then, as his hands tightened on your face, his full lips gently, gently, brushed up against yours.

You weren’t best friends anymore. You were something else, something altogether deeper.

Your lips pushed more firmly against Pat’s and he hummed quietly into the kiss. As you pulled away, keeping your face very close to his, you spoke the words which started the rest of your lives together:

“I love you too, Verona.”

Patrick Verona @jokershyena @loveletterstoledger @itsthejoker @royaleclownx    @tsukiakarinobara    @arianatheangelworld @antonija89​  @hotpacino​

[mittensmorgul]

I love Eileen. And I love Saileen. I love that they introduced a character with a disability and made Sam happy But I agree with a lot of what you say about Saileen. They’re NOT canon. Yeah, they very well could be. But as of now, they aren’t. They seem more like a “will they/won’t they” relationship rather than a real established relationship. And with everything with Chuck and his control over her... idk. I love hearing what ppl think about it but they need to let you have your opinions

Thank you for this, seriously. I just feel like I’ve been pressured into seeing it differently. And I’m sorry for that, honestly! I wish I could see it as a purely cute, happy, no complications relationship. I wish I could see the parallels to destiel as direct mirrors instead of “spot the difference” mirrors.

I love Eileen as a character, and have seen potential for her to have a relationship with Sam since 11.11. It seemed like the show was seriously considering that in 12.17. And then the show proved they weren’t... Yes I was fully on board the “she can’t actually be dead because that was stupid and terrible” train back then. I was for a good long while afterward. (lol read my fic Winchester 275, with fun happy saileen!) But eventually, when it becomes obvious that the characters have moved on, we have to move on and see reality, too.

But after the show made her return a direct tool of manipulation by Chuck, and after she herself has expressed that because of that, BECAUSE Chuck’s interference in “writing Saileen” into the show as a romantic plot, when she questions what is real, she’s talking specifically about her relationship with Sam. If that wasn’t the case, if Chuck’s plot for her had been about ANYTHING else, I wouldn’t have so much difficulty with the state of Sam and Eileen’s relationship now. But Chuck specifically brought her back to romance Sam.

When Eileen says she doesn’t know what’s real, she specifically means between her and Sam. Between 15.06 and 15.09, Sam repeatedly denied they were like that (when Dean teased and then talked seriously to him about their obviously developing relationship based on what he’d seen of their interactions, and lampshaded by Dean himself as him viewing their interactions through the lens of his own personal issues he was struggling with at the time, having literally projected his own feelings onto their relationship). And I understand the desire to see Sam happy, to see him find a relationship like this. But I will always want that relationship for him to be real, of his own choosing, and with someone who can freely consent to it. And I want the same for Eileen, too. 

I’m doing my level best to look critically at what Chuck wants, at the plots and situations that he specifically engineers, and asking myself why. He’s been Gabriel-level manipulative/trickstery, Lucifer-level “smashing his own toys,” and Michael-level “monster apocalypse ftw,” and Raphael level “it just needs to be over.” I just watched Mystery Spot on the TNT loop, so maybe that’s why I’ve got Gabriel on the mind here, but I’m betting this week’s episode will have some heavy Gabriel style callbacks. What is the truth? What’s their own choices and what have they been “tricked” into believing was their only choice?

As long as Eileen feels that she had no choice in anything that happened between her and Sam, I’m gonna be eternally grateful that Sam had his foot on the brakes regarding their interactions to the point they learned of Chuck’s manipulation. Because it could’ve gone a hell of a lot worse if Sam had jumped into a romance with her, you know? Imagine if he had taken her up on her proposition in 15.07, only to have her doubt if it was even her choice after the fact? That would’ve been so, so much worse. For both of them.

The narrative has at least left them with POTENTIAL. Eileen could reexamine her whole relationship with Sam and decide she really does have feelings for him that are her own, completely untainted by Chuck’s interference. But I really need that to be her freely-made choice. Sam could welcome her back with open arms, ready to proceed with a relationship on their own terms, to build something real between them. If they’d consummated the relationship while Eileen was being controlled/used by Chuck, it wouldn’t even be a potential. Or maybe it would, but there would’ve always been that specter of what had happened to her hanging over the relationship, leaving them both to question if it was actually real or only based on what Chuck had pushed them into, you know? For however cute the potential of their relationship is or could be, it’s not founded in their own free will.

I completely understand why some people refuse to question Eileen’s feelings for Sam, rather than just questioning which of her actions are “real.” If Eileen hadn’t specifically been brought back for a “romance plot” with Sam, I don’t know if she would’ve doubted her feelings for him, either. They did have a history of friendship, at the very least, before Chuck’s incredibly specific plan for her unfolded in s15. We WANT good things for Sam, we want him to be happy, to find someone to love and be loved by in the way he really deserves, and has wanted for a very long time, but heck I can’t stop hearing Charlie’s voice in 8.20 here:

Sorry you have zero luck with the ladies

I need for any relationship that Sam chooses for himself to defy that statement, not to be burdened by Chuck’s incessant campaign of destroying Sam’s love life  over and over again for his own personal entertainment. He uses Sam’s hope as a weapon against him, just like we saw in 15.09. Two of Sam’s biggest character arcs for the entire series have involved his perception/understanding of reality, and hope vs hopelessness. That is, what gives Sam hope, and what strips it from him. It’s been a key metric for him in every season, and it directly affects the choices he’s willing to make, and possibly more importantly, what he’s personally willing to sacrifice.

At this moment, I’m watching Jus In Bello, and this is... exactly the plot of this entire episode. This is Sam’t plot through all of Kripke Era, throughout Chuck’s original apocalypse arc. This was Ruby’s entire purpose in the narrative: romance Sam to manipulate him into Doing The Thing. In 3.12, it’s framed around Sam’s hope vs hopelessness against the army of demons surrounding them. It’s framed as “not having a choice,” and then working together to “find another way.” Only for Ruby to show up at the end of the episode after they think they’ve succeeded, to inform them that because of their choice, everyone they’d been trying to save was now dead. And it was STILL a manipulation on a bigger level of the narrative that won’t be proven out until the end of s4 and Ruby’s Grand Reveal moment as Lucifer rises.

THIS IS A BIG ISSUE FOR SAM, and dismissing it all for the sake of smushing his face together with Eileen’s is... at the very least, a wee bit problematic. 

Obviously, Ruby was conscious of this deception from the start. She was planted with the knowledge of what she had to accomplish, and willingly participated in Sam’s manipulation. Eileen... wasn’t complicit in ANY of the manipulation, at least not consciously. I’m not attempting to frame Eileen as evil here, but just as much a victim of Chuck’s plotting as Sam was.

If Eileen didn’t feel this way herself, if she didn’t directly question and doubt her own feelings for Sam, she wouldn’t have left. She left for HERSELF. I can’t even imagine being in her position here, you know? Saved from the torment of Hell, given a tiny bit of hope for the future (still with the question of whether her soul was still doomed to Hell when she eventually died again, or whether she got a clean slate and could enter Heaven eventually, LITERALLY ALSO BECAUSE OF CHUCK). Only to discover that her second chance had been provided by Chuck because he cavalierly intended to use her AGAIN, not for her own sake, but to drive Sam’s “plot.” Romance-loss-manpain-angst-hopelessness-”Butch and Sundance” lather rinse repeat. That’s Chuck’s plot, and in leaving, whether she sees that bigger picture or not, Eileen has chosen not to participate in it. Not to let herself be used by that plot.

Eileen had her agency stolen from her by Chuck’s BMoL storyline, and she spent three years in Hell because of it. At this point in the story, leaving to regain that lost agency was the best thing she could’ve done FOR HERSELF. And Sam, of all people, who had his agency stolen from him when he was 6 months old and fed demon blood, can understand that.

If Sam and Eileen are meant to be, they BOTH need to come to that decision for reasons other than “Chuck wants to hurt us with each other for plot reasons.” And as important as Eileen as a character is for representation, she’s also elevated herself to another important level in the narrative: She chose HERSELF. She chose her own life and freedom. She chose to walk out of the story and refused to be used by it.

If Eileen comes back to the story again, it will truly be because she CHOSE it for herself. Her entire life up to 11.11 had been the same sort of “revenge narrative” that the Winchesters had endured. She got her win, and then was faced with the question (posed to her by Sam) of what she was going to do next. When we next see her, in 12.17, we see that she has apparently continued her life as a hunter. She’s drawn into helping with an “all hands on deck” situation, in finding Dagon and Kelly Kline, and then her involvement in that hunt directly leads to her death in the most awful and ableist way possible-- literally hunted down by Chuck’s “big bad threat” of the season, to drive Sam and Dean into Chuck’s ever-narrowing maze of choices leading up to their confrontation with Lucifer in 12.23 (and Cas’s death by Lucifer’s hand, and everything that followed... including Dean’s formal complaint of a prayer to Chuck himself in 13.01. I mean, given Chuck’s favored story, he must’ve been wringing his hands with glee at Dean’s hopeless suffering in early s13, you know?). 

I need to go back to Sam’s experiences with the BMoL himself. In Sam’s ongoing, lifelong issues that I’ve been tagging as “Sam vs Reality” for years now, the weapon of torture that Toni Bevell used to manipulate Sam... was specifically a fake/drug-and-torture induced romance plot. After 12.02 aired, please recall the abject horror of the entire fandom over the rape by deception plotline between Sam and Toni-- after spending the entire hellatus wondering if Toni was being set up with a “love at first stab” redemption arc in much the same way Cas had in s4. For folks that hadn’t been in the fandom during the post-s11 hellatus, this seemed to be a serious potential, until 12.02 burned that notion to the ground. Eileen’s suspicious return to the narrative in s15 rang alarm bells in my head for this exact reason.

I need people to understand why I feel so viscerally uncomfortable with Sam and Eileen’s relationship as it stands in s15. Everyone has the absolute right to find their relationship cute, or truly romantic, or to hope that they are endgame together. But I also think I have the absolute right to feel wary of it, considering all of this ^^. 

Plus, to me, all of this *IS* the interesting character stuff we’ve all been here for all these years. We’re all giddily engaging with Dean’s long-standing issues with anger, abandonment, fear, self-worth, and identity coming to fruition in s15. Even the most die-hard destiel shippers haven’t ignored the deep underlying character arcs of both Dean AND Cas as their relationship is finally being defined, clarified, and hopefully resolved in the narrative. Do we not owe at LEAST that much to Sam, and his character’s underlying issues? Because I think that’s what the narrative is pushing us to examine here.

And as you said, I also see it as a potential relationship. Yes, one with a LOT of potential based on their chemistry. As things stand after 15.09, there’s every reason to think that Eileen could come back, could accept the offer Sam made with that kiss. I saw it as him laying a potential foundation, his way of saying “maybe it wasn’t real up to this point, but we could choose it if that’s what you wanted, too.” I also see it as up to Eileen herself if she can lay that baggage down and begin building a relationship based on mutual choice, understanding, respect, affection, and potentially love and romance. If Eileen is Sam’s endgame love interest, to me it would necessitate their choice to give a future together a shot. It would be a beautiful new beginning in life, for both of them, rather than the culmination of more than a decade of emotional relationship issues that Dean and Cas are facing, you know? There is a difference, and equating the relationships on a surface level is fine, but the presumption that we’re supposed to just accept that the two relationships are equal in terms of underlying emotional context is... at least a little disturbing to me, because ^^^^^^.

Heck, I think I’ve officially emotionally wrung myself out typing about all of this again, but I appreciate having the space to actually work through my own feelings about all of this, too.

[svtskneecaps]

1~33 :b

babe i don’t deserve you

1. How long have you been stanning SEVENTEEN?

just over 2 years, I think, I remember wandering around carat tumblr towards the end of 2017

2. How did you start stanning SEVENTEEN?

ok, so i used to be active on this wattpad-esque website and a mutual made a fic about them that i read, despite knowing nothing about them. later that summer me and my little sister were wandering around on youtube at our grandparents house, where i saw Don’t Wanna Cry on the homepage and, recognizing the band from the fic, i clicked. then we watched Boom Boom, and then i looped that mother heckin video for the next six hours

3. First impression of SEVENTEEN?

oh god, it’s been so long idk if i remember quite right. i think i thought they were a bunch of talented nerds tbh; even back then i remember being really impressed by the choreography

4. How long did it take to memorize names and faces?

well i wasn’t working on it constantly, just sort of whenever posts ran across my tumblr dash, but i’d say by the end of about a month i had most of them down consistently

5. Bias(es)?

ok i don’t bias, but most consistently, i’ve leaned towards the8, more recently jeonghan started whacking at my attention, and recently but not MOST recently, jun was getting my goat, but it really depends on what video i watched last (like i watched the camping thing recently and jeonghan and hoshi searching for bugs + jeonghan getting all flustered when the members were talking about how he said he loved their team really got me)

and watching the call call call video gets me swinging worse than a compass that can’t find north so ??? it changes; i love them all but if i went off listing everything i loved we’d have a 13+ paragraph essay and that defeats the point of the question

6. Biaswrecker(s)?

no biases so no biaswreckers, n e r d s

7. Which member first caught your eye?

woozi, actually; i thought he looked good and was neat, and i saw the whole ‘woozi coming at you with a guitar’ and loved it, and then minghao got the black mullet and it was ALL OVER FOR ME

8. Which member did not turn out who you expected him to be?

oh boy. maybe jun? he looked really like yknow strong and silent type? and then he’s this sweet lil flirty dork and idk i love him

9. First song heard by SEVENTEEN?

it was don’t listen in secret actually, i think, there was an audio post of it ‘playing in another room’ but i didn’t realize that was what it was or that it was seventeen until a while after i started stanning.

10. First MV seen by SEVENTEEN?

don’t wanna cry! but the first one that reeeeeally got me was boom boom. wonwoo with the mint hair convinced me to learn their names and it was all downhill from there (have i mentioned recently that mint is my kryptonite?)

11. Vocal, Hip Hop, or Performance Team?

i love them all,,,, but performance team

12. Have you had any dreams about SEVENTEEN?

i have, actually, but i don’t remember it right now. i just remember they were in it. dreams suck like that.

13. What concept would you like to see SEVENTEEN try?

i honestly don’t know. they keep coming up with amazing stuff and i just drink it all in. (if they did another call call call esque concept though THERE WOULD BE NO COMPLAINTS FROM ME)

14. What hair color would you want to see on a certain member?

MINT. ON ANYONE. LITERALLY ANYONE. OR PURPLE, I WOULD BE DOWN FOR MORE GRAPE MEMBERS.

15. Which members do you think look better with their hair up?

if you mean like ‘hidden’, i don’t know. honestly i think they all look great no matter what, hair hidden or not.

16. Have you seen SEVENTEEN live?

.....nope :( i live in nebraska so they aren’t coming close enough for me to be able to see them unless i took a weekend trip to do it, and honestly concerts stress me out a little, so. maybe someday?

17. Which member do you think is the most “boyfriend material”?

oh god. maybe jun. maybe mingyu. maybe jeonghan. maybe s.coups. honestly i never really thought about it. i think they’d all be good tbh (WHEN THEY DATE Y’ALL BETTER KEEP IT TOGETHER IF I SEE A SINGLE PERSON SAYING THEY’RE UNSTANNING, HEADS ARE GONNA ROLL)

18. If every member were hanging off a cliff, who would you save first?

i plead the fifth on that one my dude

19. Which member do you think is the most savage?

minghao has some good zingers tbh

Favorite…

20. song?

atm i’m listening to fear, call call call is my go to hype song, and smile flower makes me cry (in the best way)

21. choreography?

god just anything i mean really their choreography is absolutely breathtaking and THEY’RE ALL IN SYNC but like ig the fluidity of Home really gets me like when the chorus starts going and they all knock into that footwork idk if i’m describing this right but that. just. chef’s kiss. the good shit.

22. era?

i’m still not 100% about what ‘era’ refers to in its entirety, but CALL CALL CALL

23. song cover?

honestly i haven’t listened to many covers so i can’t talk

24. Unit?

booseoksoon

25. OTP?

ot13 just their friendship as a group like i absolutely adore it

26. reality show?

i don’t know if going seventeen counts. but going seventeen.

27. performance?

i don’t watch a lot of performances bc i am Fake Fan but the one i’ve seen the most, in all honesty, is the Pretty U performance that i slapped mariah carey’s all i want for christmas is you on top of

28. meme?

Which member would you like to…

29. have as your brother?

vernon could honestly already be my cousin (WHERE DID THE FUCKING NEBRASKA SWEATSHIRT COME FROM VERNON) so him

30. have as your best friend?

hoshi or like seungkwan are definitely like lit bestie material, or like 

31. go to school with?

wonwoo just cause he reminds me of a friend of mine a lil, or maybe jeonghan? just bc of the vibes i get idk why

32. have as your boyfriend?

i feel like dk would be like an amazing so; i’ve never thought about like who i personally would have so idk honestly

33. have as your husband?

hm. i never really thought about it. i guess maybe like joshua?

alright @allmyuwuswerestolen YOUR TURN i spent MANY A LOT OF HOURS trying to figure out the last 5, MY BAD

[karma-jinx]

ML Desperada Babbles

*Spoilers*

Mkay so, this episode has me feeling all mixed up. So this may be a bit wordy.

I enjoyed seeing Luka and Marinette hanging out like they did in the very beginning. It was cute to see how he let her played his guitar a bit. (cool how Alix and Mylene are kinda catching on to Marinette’s feelings for Luka.)

Adrien and Kagami hanging outside their busy lives is nice to see as well. They were pretty cute too, acting sly to do what they want instead of abiding to their strict schedules.

But it all kinda goes down when Adrien and Kagami come down to where everyone else was. Marinette spastically moving away from Luka to go up to Adrien and Kagami kinda hurt not gonna lie. Especially when Kagami sorta calls out Marinette when she mentions Luka is her boyfriend. Marinette panicking when she does, it feels off. Or wrong, because I feel like she’d usually say something. Like when Manon asked if Adrien was her boyfriend, she went through “yes! No!... maybe??” Because she has a strong desire to be with him but knows she isn’t.

With Luka, she knows they’re not a couple. She has some feelings towards him yes, but not as strong as her feelings for Adrien. Since she was ready to distance herself from the others to be by him. So when Kagami calls Luka her boyfriend I feel like her reaction was a little off for her character. I think her nervously denying it would have suited better.

Not only that but what also bugs me about this scene was the fact it was in front of everyone. It’s not like Kagami was all that quiet as she said that. Pretty sure at least Adrien and those sitting on the couch nearby would’ve heard what she said. And since Marinette is good friends with all of them, I’m pretty sure they know she isn’t dating Luka. So why she’s frozen for an answer eludes me. (That and how no one corrected Kagami by saying they’re friends.)

Kagami holding onto Adrien’s arm defensively felt odd to me too. Just cuz from what we’ve seen she doesn’t seem like the type to do that. Idk I guess it felt a bit like a Chloe or Lila move. I found this odd but overall it doesn’t bug me that much.

I WANNA KNOW THE HISTORY BETWEEN JAGGED AND LUKA’S MOM!!!!!

They seem to have a sorta soft spot for each other. Hell their interaction and implications of some sort of past relationship threw her kids for a loop. Idk if he’s their dad, I don’t think so. At least I hope not cuz that’d be a weird af set up. Especially since Luka has stated he’s a fan of Jagged, and also wears/has Jagged’s merch. If his mom had a rocky past with the singer I feel like she’d say something about Luka’s admiration for him. But seeing as that’s not the case I’m assuming that he isn’t their father.

Ooohhh mmmyyyy GAWD MARINETTE!!! I’m sorry but she irritated me when Jagged asked her if she new any good guitarist. And she suggested ADRIEN?! Like I get it you’re in love with him but REALLY???!!! Even Adrien said he was more of a pianist than a guitarist. Jagged even ASKED about Luka, who’s carrying a fucking guitar with him!!!! And she just goes, “Oh you’re right! Luka can you give him your guitar?” Like WTF?!?!?! Everyone’s reactions to that was a fucking MOOD.

And sweet Luka, my dear precious boy. You’re either blissfully unaware or you have a lot of patience. And I’m almost certain it’s the latter. Seriously, he’s just too chill about this. Which I’m not sure if that’s good or bad.

I just wished we saw him slightly hurt over Marinette’s actions. He tries to get close to her by teaching her to play guitar, he sees how she’s a bit sad when Adrien and Kagami laugh and hold hands. And tries to cheer her up by saying how it’s nice Adrien found someone who he can get out of the house with. Ya know? And NOT get in trouble for it. Only to then have her to run to Adrien when he sees her and Luka together.

Sure maybe he can play it off by her just going to offer them a drink. But later when Jagged asks for her help to find a guitarist; only to hear her say Adrien’s a good guitarist even though they all know he plays piano. He just stood there like, “o.o?” You mean to tell me he wasn’t at least a LITTLE bit offended? to add insult to injury; the girl he likes asks for him to give Adrien the guitar?! And he simply says, “if you’d like Marinette.” Then happily hands her his guitar?!?!

Literally EVERYONE, Adrien included, were dumbfounded by this. Marinette didn’t deserve to be proud in her choice. Thank goodness for the villain crashing in at that moment.

Luka’s mom is a spitfire. I love her calling out Jagged for doing what she knew he would do. Kagami instinctively protecting Adrien is something I love and support. Please let her make friends so she can be like this with others and NOT just the guy she likes. Like seriously she was ready to fight when she saw an opportunity. Rose sacrificing herself for Juleka yesssss. More content of these to lovies as a couple please.

Gawd fucking Marinette realizing she shouldn’t have given Adrien the guitar? A little to late. And even then I’m sure she only said that because he’s a target now. Not because he wasn’t suited for the job.

Luka is truly sweet cuz his willingness to help Adrien after all that. Bless.

(Yes I know he sees Adrien as a friend, but come on!!! Couldn’t he feel at least a little pain after how Marinette acted? Just a bit?)

Not only was he willing to help Adrien, but he was willing to put himself in harms way to aid Ladybug. So selfless. Even underground he and Adrien were ready to fight. These boys, too good sometimes I swear.

I really want Marinette and Kagami to have a better relationship. Like Luka and Adrien’s. I just liked how throughout the attack Luka and Adrien were both helpful/worried for each other. I just need that with my girls ya know. No more conflict or fighting. Just let them support each other and be friends.

Plagg being slightly offended that Adrien wanted to use another miraculous is cute. Especially cuz he tries to be more mature in telling him how it’s a bad idea. Instead of saying something like, “um, excuse me??? You already have a miraculous! And the best one to if you ask me.”

But love struck Adrien can only see this as an opportunity to get Ladybug to like him as Adrien; not as Chat Noir. Even though this isn’t the time for that!

Good lord I still can’t get over his costume.

These love struck doofs I swear, cute but again, not the time for it!

But I will say seeing Adrien happy ladybug laughed at his joke for once makes my stupid shipper heart happy. But then it kinda dies when Ladybug says they don’t need Chat Noir now that she has Adrien. Then goes to saying how they be lost without Chat Noir, woman make up your mind.

Bless plagg, rubbing it in Adrien’s face each time they fail. He told you it wasn’t a good idea. But boy was Adrien STUBBORN. Like rrrrreeeeaaaalllllyyyy stubborn. Like 25,913 times kinda stubborn. That is a kind of persistence I did not know existed. He played himself hard and got hurt just as hard. He felt so defeated when he finally decided it wasn’t a good choice for her to choose him. I’m glad to see he wasn’t salty about it when he suggested Luka to be the snake miraculous holder.

Considering Desperada comes after Silencer, guess it makes sense that Luka’s transformation sequence has a lot of hand movements. Which is a recall I did not need. (Silencer was just.... not my fave ok.)

I wonder how many times Luka had to go back in time. I’m sure it was WAY less the Adrien though.

The way he used one of the chances to see Desperada’s reaction when he used his lyre, smart boy.

Happy to see Vivica and Anarka playing guitar together at the end. No drama for Luka’s mama.

HE FIRED HER FOR EATING HIS CEREAL ARE YOU FOR REALS?! I get not liking when someone eats your stuff. If it’s a constant habit! Not if it’s the first time it’s ever happened. Jagged! Dude wtf!?

Kagami with words of wisdom at the end. And admitting she was wrong about Luka and Marinette, random but ok sure. Ending weird but whatevs I guess.

Overall this episode had me face palming a lot.