#idk i might delete this later bc I'm reading it and my tags

[saturook]

rip to people who constantly pit Bernard and Jay against each other but I'm different. Sorry you don't have the range to love and appreciate them both

[coridallasmultipass]

(This is just an apology I owe someone I will probably never see again. Please ignore, I just needed to get it off my chest 16 years later. I'm not a good person, and I was very cruel as a teen.)

Hi. I'm sorry I wronged you. I treated you terribly when you gave me that letter. It was my fault, obviously. You were such a kind person to me, and we could have been great friends. You shot your shot, and that was totally normal and fair. I just want to explain why I reacted that way, because it was completely uncalled for.

I was living as a girl then, and had no idea that I had this trans man living inside me all along. I didn't know it, but my friendships with men felt so important and validating to me. I felt like I could be one of the bros without realizing that there was an actual personal reason why I needed that validation and mirroring. I guess, at the time, I would have chalked it up to 'daddy issues' from having a continually absent father figure,' which is incredibly reductive and dismissive, and was never genuinely my issue. I felt safe when it was me hanging out with some guys, especially when we often had more interests align which was rare to find in female friends. It's not easy being a kid into metal, alt fashion, art, and nerdy things, when you live in a rural small town where sports is considered the 'ideal' for teens. But you already know that. You lived it, too. You just didn't have the societal pressure to perform femininity, when you're not a girl, on top of it. ((But who knows, you could be a trans woman right now and struggling with your own issues from the other side, I really don't know you.))

But boy, did I PERFORM femininity. The metal scene wasn't the best inspiration for women. You had to be a hot sexy metal babe or you wouldn't get dick. No love for the androgynous women (except lesbians. Go lesbians, I love you.) At least that's what it felt like to 14-year-old me. I had to struggle with the fact that I wanted to look like the band members, not the women they were pictured with. I showed my hairstylist pictures of band men and short-haired Rihanna so I had at least one girl on there. I don't know where I'm going with this. I tried to do both perform the femininity, and doing small things to look more like the band guys I idolized, finding excuses to portray men in acting/roleplay/costumes. 'Because I had a crush on them, right?' No, because I wanted to BE them. Iwanted to be wanted as a man. Not as some metal babe. Being desired as a woman felt horribly invalidating, and I couldn't have ever explained why until now.

It's not a valid excuse, but I reacted that way because I felt safe around you. So safe. You were a dude, my bro, and I could be myself without feeling like I'm being 'tested' for performing human femininity like I did around girls. Like I walk into a room and everyone stops and glares at me. That's what I felt like, that hypervigilance, without knowing what that word meant. You were a good friend, kind, interesting, naturally attractive, and cool. I can't explain it, but it felt like betrayal when you gave me that letter. Suddenly, I was a 'love interest' and not 'fellow bro' and it hurt me so badly to believe that our friendship was built on you viewing me as a girl, not an equal. (That sounds absolutely horrible, I'm not implying that women are 'less," just that it made me feel like I was being unseen, that your feelings were for someone i was not.) I felt like our friendship was built on a lie. I felt disgusted at myself for reasons I didn't understand.

I reacted horribly. I wrote you that shameful e-mail in response. I tried burning that letter because I'm a dramatic hoe, but couldn't get the fireplace open, so I had to blow it out and instead melted and shredded it into the sink disposal. My mom came home and smelled the smoke and thought I was trying a cigarette. (I didn't try a single drug until I had a cigarette in fall of 2017, age 23.) Do we address the situation like an adult with calm words and ponder why we feel all these negative emotions, or do we SINK GO BRRRRRRRR DESTROY THE EVIDENCE?

14-year-old Cori go BRRRRRRRR, apparently.

I mean, I was a KID. Kids are mean as fuck.

It's no excuse, but I can look back on that now and say definitively that it was a result of not understanding my gender identity. I know I'm gay (not to mention, aro), but I did things counter to that, like have a phase of being a lesbian/bi/pan-preferring woman. if being attracted to women made me feel more butch and manly, then 'hey, look at that chick's thighs, bro…' I was gonna play it up.

Anyway, my point, discovering gender was like, literally taking off a suit of armour that never fit right because it was too small for me. I took off that suit of armour at age 19. It felt freeing to have no gender at all. I could do anything I wanted to find what fit me, trying on anything and everything. I finally found that fit in 2015. I'm a dude. This armour fits me perfectly now, and it flexes with my movement. But i still have the chafing and bruises from wearing the wrong armour for so many years.

I should have gently told you that I wanted to stay just friends. Instead, I was spiteful and mean for something that was my own fault. I refused to address my own gender problems, avoiding them entirely and dumping them onto you. I should not have been so immature as to do that and then entirely avoid you forever after.

So, I am deeply and truly sorry. I have regretted it every moment since I clicked 'send.' I hope you've entirely forgotten me by now. I hope you're doing well and still playing music and being your own creative self. I hope you're making mad bucks doing whatever the fuck you love. I'm sorry.

[parcai]

hmm i think the reason i feel weird when people ik read my stuff is because it's very intimate to read someone's writing, or at least a lot of mine are.

and i suppose on another level, i also don't want it to be disappointing. like it's one thing for strangers to read your work and maybe become your friend after, and it’ll another thing for your friend to read your story and be off put.

and i think that's why i kinda freaked out earlier lol. like disappointment is just mm different. it's not anger. it's like you expected better of someone, and that's a difficult thing to stomach as the disapointee.

then ofc there's also the fact that a lot of writing is outdated. a lot of my ideas, personally, came from when i was much younger even if they were published within the last year. a lot of my critical thinking was half baked, like only for one topic but not at all for another, and other variations. like there are prob some ships i don't agree with anymore, some plot points, shoddier writing, styles, etc. and i don't want old writing to influence current perceptions of me, but i also don't take it down because it induces nostalgia in other people, and who am i to rob people of stories they found connections with?

but it's also shameful, just like how when you think about bad things you did as a kid or something like that. and that's another piece of not erasing writing because, as uncomfortable as it is, you have to acknowledge who you were and what you used to think to become who you are.

regardless, it feels extremely invasive to a certain degree, and idk it makes me feel weird lol. it's like sharing a piece of you that you weren't ready to share yet/never planned to share. especially when your story is more than like a simple, cheesy, fluffy rom com, coffee shop, high school au or something, it tells you a lot about the person who wrote it, and maybe the message isn't the same message i'd like to express if given another chance, or maybe it's just a more personal part you want to keep to yourself going forward.

[megidolaon]

irt 2 my lrb, i've talked abt this before but i really truly adore everything abt roboppis redesign n i love the fact he's trans and it's so upsetting to me that i probably won't be able to ever go back and finish the series n that roboppi being designed as a child is a huge part of that ;; ive let a lot of things slide as a ygo fan but i literally worked myself up to the point of tears just typing the tags on that post fhxjs it's so upsetting to me that cis ppl r acting like it's bad for roboppi 2 be trans . im not going to go into the specifics of my abuse on an unlocked tumblr post abt a ygo character but it really makes me feel sick to see ppl imply that somehow it's worse to be trans than to be a csa victim. like idk maybe it's just the circles or my blacklist catching things for me but the fact ive seen yall be gross and transphobic abt roboppi but never bring up how awful the writing has treated him and how upsetting it is that they introduced him solely to be the butt of jokes w sexual connotations and to make jokes abt how he has no ability to think for himself is. ive loved roboppi since he was introduced the trans reveal was such a delight to find out about esp bcs it makes it clear roboppi has grown and taken control of his own life and has considerable agency now like???? that's so important yall clearly REMEMBER the beginning of vrains bcs u keep talking about how roboppi originally looked and acted - i have 2 wonder if u only read this robot as female bcs of the fact he was subservient and couldn't think for himself lol... but its the trans ppl who r misogynistic

sorry i got sidetracked. my original point is that these people clearly remember the beginning of vrains bcs they won't stop talking about how ropobbi used to look or whatever. so like.. why aren't u furious with vrains for deciding to make these kinds of jokes w a character they later decided was a child. why is ur issue instead that he's trans.

i mean i know why. i know exactly why. but it hurts to admit it's because im a bad person for being trans while my abusers are good, nice cis girls who couldn't have 3ver done anything wrong

p/s i know they r actively trying to rewrite roboppi and ais relationship to be a teacher/mentor or sibling relationship at this point in vrains but that actually makes the whole show even more unwatchable to me so please don't try to convince me otherwise.

tldr im trans and thrilled that roboppi is trans but wish vrains hadn't designed them as a literal child n hate that cis ppl have to constantly expose me to their opinion that being trans is worse than being a csa victim