olfac2ree

[olfac2ree]

This night feels particularly lonely. Screens don’t do as much connecting as they do separating us from eachother.

Right now I’d settle for just text-chatting with someone. Usually I don’t feel like that’s enough engagement, but writing these posts have at least increased my appreciation for the written word.

I could try Omegle but it’s basically a bunch of fuckboys and bots and takes a lot of sorting before getting to anything good. And if I did find someone they’d probably be way too young for me anyway.

[olfac2ree]

I miss mathematics. I loved studying it. It really gave me a sense of progression to know the building blocks of the world through physics, and the building blocks of mathematics through algebra.

I knew an author once. He wrote a book on constructing legos. I can’t remember exactly what it was about but he seemed very proud of it. Surely it wasn’t just a booklet like what comes with lego kits?

[olfac2ree]

[olfac2ree]

Art by Olga Kim

[olfac2ree]

I’ve been here for a few hours now. I think I might call off the 750 word limit... but I don’t want to be a pansy. I might consider the words I lost part of my total. I probably had at least 250 words. Probably around that much.

I wonder if I can help anyone with anything. Maybe I could tutor English? Nah, I don’t have credentials for that. Reminds me of a guy who was studying chemical engineering. I daresay if I ever met anyone who had PTSD from school it was him. He seemed good at what he did but my goodness sdid he seem stressed. I don’t remember much, just that I remember thinking that even nuclear power needs water to cool down.

Water... 

[olfac2ree]

You’re always haunted by the idea you’re wasting your life.

Chuck Palahniuk  (via quotemadness)

I’m always haunted by seeing this post over and over again.

[olfac2ree]

White rice cooked in butter is so good. I don’t know how something so simple could taste so good. I mean, I know it’s butter, but even if just fried without it it still tastes pretty damn good.

Man. I ate only about half of General Tso’s Tofu and I’m so full. I think I’ll just lay on my bed and contemplate my existence for a little while.

Man. I feel like I used up most of my ideas in the post I lost. Life seems so futile sometimes.

My mom gave me shit for talking to that girl the other day. Said they might have a hot-headed boyfriend nearby. I can use my eyes. I wouldn’t flirt with a couple. And if I did, I’d apologize! Nobody’s gonna kill me in Walmart. In a bar, maybe. Not everyone can get by with just the people in their social circle.

I had a spring roll for the first time in maybe my entire life. I was surprised how good it was, the cabbage becomes this kind of creamy mixture. Egg rolls can still go frick themselves to death though.

[olfac2ree]

I’m gonna get General Tso’s Tofu tonight. That makes me happy. Last time I got it I ate the whole container in one shot. I haven’t eaten too much today so I imagine I could and will do the same.

I’m not sure how much I should share in these posts. Even though no one reads these I can’t be completely candid...

[olfac2ree]

Ah fuck. I just lost all my writing progress today.

sigh. I guess I’ll give it another college try.

[olfac2ree]

Day 3

I asked out a girl today! Or at least I asked for her phone number. She looked awful cute so I decided to risk it. I’ve asked out a couple girls before, but never asked their number. Cold approaching is so hard. She said “I don’t usually give out my phone number” but I should have replied with “I don’t usually ask!” I always balk past the first part and get swept off too easily. I gotta insist!

She had a faded loony toons shirt on and looked like she just rolled out of bed. Sleepy is a style of girl I like. They look like good cuddle material.

It’s a shame I’m not in school anymore. I’d cold approach a lot more people, just be more social in general. It can really make some people’s days and most people don’t ever really peek outside their own social bubble as often as I do. People like to stay in their own cliques.

I think I’m gonna be okay no matter what comes my way.

I have itchy feet these days. I don’t know why God made itching so fucking satisfying if it’s bad for you.

I heard once from a friend that itching is “pleasure denied”. That sounds more like an opioid thing than actually true in an of itself. I’ve tried to focus on them while trying to resist them and it doesn’t do anything good other than maybe stopping it.

Doing all this writing is making me want to get back into text chatting with people. It’s a damn shame my phone fucken sucks because typing on there should be more convenient. But it’s not, the border makes it super hard and the keyboard is nonresponsive and the letters just mush into eachother and I fatfinger everything. I know it’s not just me too because if I pick up someone else’s phone is a breath of fresh air.

I ate a double cheeseburger today and large fries with a shamrock shake. I could havfe just had the shake, and I wish I did. I told my mom I wasn’t that hungry and she got upset so I ended up eating everything. Just a bad situation to be in, but I really gotta learn to turn down opportunities for free food. My parents come get me once a week to hang out and grocery shop and it usually means food, but I had already eaten today for breakfast. Medium shamrock shake 560 calories. McDouble 437. Medium fries 320. And the two pancake sausage dogs I ate for breakfast 250 each. That’s 1,817 calories... if I only eat some vegetables at dinner and no dessert I’ll be fine. Definitely no dessert.

Although dessert, a frozen greek yogurt sea salt caramel bar is only 100 calories... sigh.

I wish I had more friends I could count on as confidants.

I wonder what it’s like to kiss a woman. I want to know that taste, the taste of a lover’s lips.

I imagine it’s like encountering an oasis after many months of mirages, living off of well water and rain or maybe nothing at all, and then this lush green oasis in the dessert that seems to good to be true. You take a sip and find it so refreshing that you step in and bathe in it. There’s enough water for whatever you plan to do with it and you don’t have to worry about rationing or limiting it at all. It’s all just there -- there for the taking.

I’m not sure if that makes sense or is right. I’m new at metaphorcrafting.

Is kissing like the sweet shade of a palm tree in a tropical environment? The sun beating down and you knowing you have to be places but you allow yourself the mercy of stopping for a minute or two in the shade. There’s Sunkist, but this is more like Shadekist. What kind of kiss does the sun give anyway? A sloppy kiss from the sun sounds kind of painful.

Fun to know: Sunkist is a citrus drink owned by Dr Pepper. Dr Pepper is now owned by the Keurig company, as well as is Snapple. Drink companies are so confusing with their mega-conglomerates.

I wish I knew how to dance. I wonder what it’s like to dance naked. Idunno, but it sounds fun. I wanna experiment with someone someday.

Ugh. That burger is hitting me now. I really gotta watch what I eat.

I kind of miss Roisin. I wonder why her name always comes up when I try to think of Cayenne. I miss Cayenne. We could have done something together... I was just too tied up in my own singular lonely struggle I guess to feel that way about her.

I will say, she had some sweet tits. Which is weird because she did that big project on why milk was so bad for humans and basically pus. We went to her apartment once but it was just weird because she showed me a strange video about a woman getting proposed to with a ringpop, and there wasn’t that much time for us to be together before her mother came home.

I guess space was the problem, we didn’t really have a space for us to be together. My apartment right now probably wouldn’t be the best, but I could brave the consequences for the payoff.

I just wanna cuddle. Snuggle. Hug ‘n spoon.

Well, that’s Day 3 done. Signing off.

[olfac2ree]

Has anyone ever wondered if it’s possible to tie your penis in a knot? Or is it like swallowing your own tongue, where it’s probably possible but just going through with it seems impossible?

It’s probably been done and that man has failed evolution.

[olfac2ree]

I always wonder how they’re using the text verifications -- like surely they’re going into OCR programs to improve their accuracy. And the traffic lights are surely going into use for selfdriving cars. But how does that information get marketed? Who owns it? It seems like it’d be one of the biggest rackets on the internet considering everyone’s checking those boxes.

[olfac2ree]

“They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety.” -- Benjamin Franklin

[olfac2ree]

I’ve been eating a lot of fast food lately. Wawa and McDonalds and Burger King. I’ve been trying to keep it healthy, mainly I go in for the free fries at McDonald's and the cheap sales of Impossible Whopper at Burger King. I can’t believe the taste of their standard whopper. It really doesn’t taste very good compared to the Impossible Whopper. Almost makes a good argument for going vegetarian.

The thing about healthy foods is that I’m tempted to eat more food as long as it’s healthy. Extra should be frowned upon even if healthy, but it should be more like I can eat as many hamburgers as I want as long as it’s followed by fruit. Just eat the apple! No hamburger rationalizing.

It’s just so hard when fast food places and even grocery stores use certain foods and items in ingredients that make things not only hard to resist, but easier to put more of it away. It’s like having two stomachs, and one is craving, and the other one is actual food volume. It disgusts me how often the craving stomach has me eating more than I can actually tolerate, leaving me overstuffed.

Okay, I checked. 533 words, that’s not too bad...

I wonder if I will follow my roommate’s fast when he’s doing his Ramadan fast. It’s just intermittent fasting to the average consumer. Part of what makes fasting so hard is when he’s cooking I want some of that good stuff.

We’ve been eating a lot of thai basil dumplings. I remember Thai Curry being one of the best asian dishes I’d ever had and I was surprised because it didn’t *sound* very good. That’s the tricky thing about asian menus... they have several dozen items on there and most of them you probably can’t go wrong with choosing but to truly get a good experience it makes you wonder if you’re not steering down the wrong path.

One of the only two Thai restaurants I know of have closed because of the epidemic assumedly. I loved Drunken Noodles from that place. And their Thai Coffee. A black coworker turned me onto that place. Jason, from Trinidad. He, his dad, and I all drove for pizza delivery for an Italian guy.

I only ate it there twice but I really loved when his dad would make us really good food from scratch. That only happened on the weekends. Pork medallions, or sausage gravy served over biscuits. His dad was a chef at some point I think in the south, or maybe it was just some good ol’ homecookin. He was also a mechanic which I thought was pretty cool. He spend a lot of time looking at cars to flip on craigslist but I never saw him in anything other than his old beater of a car.

At another job of mine I got to eat some very spicy shrimp soup that was made for and by the hispanic people in the kitchen. It was seriously delicious, some of the best food I’ve had, just like the other place.

Food really brings people together. Maybe that’s what this place needs... more home cooking. Who would I even invite over though? Who would come? There’s not really space here...Could I do it somewhere else?

I’ll probably just forget/abandon the idea, but I really like it... I should be able to scrape up something even if just for my roommate and myself. We need to eat good, wholesome food, too. I can’t just let the horse guide itself, I need to take the reins.

[olfac2ree]

A friend of mine here once identified with the opinion that sadness carves out the soul more deeply so that it can feel more fully.

I almost said “she said”, because I did that a lot. I identified a post with a person, even if they weren’t the original poster, thinking they said it.

Actually, I think it might have been a message after all. She originated those sentiments after a lifetime of feeling that way. I wonder if any bits of myself are still being perpetuated here. How many pieces of her are still being circulated around here? Ghosts of a past perspective...

I beat up on myself pretty hard for being inarticulate or mostly naive and foolish and self-centered and... well I could go on. Overly-articulate maybe. Keep It Simple Stupid.

Oranges are round. I like oranges. They taste sweet. Apples, not so much. I miss granny smith apples. I knew an older woman who had a pair of granny smith apples. She worked on a project with a friend, Gabe. Gabe was from an abusive family. Gabe liked anime. Gabe went back to his family... He went home over the southern border. I wonder about Gabe some time. I liked Gabe.

I tried to sew up a patch I made with a sock onto a pair of jeans. That shit was was more complicated than I expected. And I didn’t have a phone to look up instructions.

I’m gonna try not to look at the word count for this post until I think I’m almost done. It’s like looking at the clock during a lecture or during yoga or other exercise. A watched pot takes its damn good time gettin’ goin’.

I usually peter off after a couple days of trying to write this stuff. But I don’t have much else to do with my life right now, so to give myself a meter stick, I like the idea of having progression through writing. Maybe words can offer me some salve or recompense.

[olfac2ree]