#idk i just shouldn’t feel the need to do that here bc pretty much everyone on here is super passionate about something

[exopelagic]

I am baking cake at midnight and it is going to kill me <3

[rollercoasterwords]

hey rae, i’m experiencing a bit of a moral dilemma (ish) bc like… i’ve always more or less had this view that its wrong on some level to like “police�� people on the kind of media they are creating, even mainstream tbh and now… well… let’s just say a little bee flew in rather aggressively into my eardrums and it won’t stop buzzing about the moral implications and suddenly the pretty stable ground that i was standing on is slowing crumbling beneath my feet but like… that’s okay??? i’m accepting the fall bc i’m actually always thrilled to free fall. that is to say, i love the way things around me can make me question my own ideas of what i believe to be true sometimes like i love love love it. i love looking at smth ekth a new lens and more information and then yk, rebuilding thag ground with more stable material. anyways, sry i’m rambling, but you see, everything this bee was buzzing abt started to increasingly make more sense and like, i started to rly think about it in the way of like… evaluating the consequences right? like if a specific media trope has very real contributions to a stigma abt a certain group and manifests in the society in multiple ways, then rly, why can’t i condemn it? bc the way i used to look at it was like “well yes, the media is harmful, but like, i also don’t think we have the right to dictate other people’s liberties when it come to art”. but now… especially considering that this “art” is mainstream and like reaches millions of people, why tf not? bc when you rly put it on the scale, what has more weight, ppl being mad/annoyed that engaging with this is “bad” and they shouldn’t/ being limited in creating it or ppl suffering the real life implications of this. and to make myself a little clearer, the specific thing thag kinda made me realize this more was how media a lot of the times portrays certain mental illness in an overly negative and harmful way, and how in thrn, society discriminates against those individuals in part bc of the skewed perception thag media has portrayed about them. and i feel like this kinda of made me like… think more about this view that i used to defend strongly, and kinda of go, wait, hold up… and i’m still a little like… conflicted bc as much as like i say this, i don’t think there are any viable means of like combatting this issue bc at the end of the day, what creators for mainstream media want is money and these things get them money and so it’s never rly gonna stop, and i still am a little iffy on the idea thag it’s essentially like… an objective moral no no, but like i can see the other side more clearly and it’s just… man it’s so frustrating in a way. and like as much as some ppl may engage with their media critically and liek recognize these stereotypes and shit, a majority of ppl don’t and it’s so frustrating to see itttt. but yeah, idk im still like… gathering materials before fully building this floor, but like, what are your thoughts on this if any? (i’m literally going to everyone with this i an truly a menace, i need to talkkkk abt it like the way this brings me so much joy) (unfortunately i don’t have many ppl in my life that care or are willing to talk to me abt these things) (enter: rae)

hello!! interesting questions!! love that u are embracing the freefall of having a core belief challenged + opening urself to new ways of thinking rather than growing defensive + closing urself off!!

so, what i wanna start off by saying here is this: there is a very broad middle ground between "this art is bad and shouldn't exist/shouldn't be interacted with at all" versus "everyone should just create whatever they want with disregard for the consequences."

because different forms of art are going to be doing different things, reaching different audiences, and sending different messages. and there are plenty of ways that art/literature/media/etc can be harmful. for example, this recent open letter to the new york times is a great example of a critique on the way in which the nytimes' coverage of trans "issues" causes real-life harm to trans people. in this sort of instance, it's not okay for the nytimes to just continue writing as they have, however they want, because they have certain journalistic responsibilites which include not promoting/perpetuating harm against marginalized groups (not that they have an especially great track record in that regard, but i digress). part of critically evaluating media is evaluating whether that media has harmful real-life implications, and, if it does, figuring out whether/how to engage with that media in a way that does not perpetuate that harm.

so like--with the example you're talking about, portrayals of mental illness that contribute to stigma. part of evaluating those portrayals is going to start with asking what kind of media you're looking at, who it's reaching, and what it's trying to do. for example--a movie made by a large hollywood studio that's profiting off a stigmatizing portrayal of mental illness, reaching a broad audience, and contributing to widespread misconceptions is tangibly harmful, and it makes sense to vocally critique that portrayal or perhaps even encourage people not to engage with the movie at all, as it is profiting off something harmful. additionally, hollywood movies are invested in perpetuating a capitalist system such that they will often have an underlying goal of spreading messages/ideas that support that capitalist system, so there is much more to be wary of there in the intent of the media.

a fanfiction on the internet written by an individual that contains a stigmatizing portrayal of mental illness is something that is not accruing profit, not reaching a broad audience, and not harmful in the same way. an individual writing fanfiction on the internet is also not invested in perpetuating broader systems of capitalistic power in the same way a hollywood movie studio is, so the intent of their art is likely different. a better route here is probably to reach out to the individual, who probably wrote this portrayal out of ignorance and would most likely be open to educating themself and avoiding such portrayals in the future. this is a better response than trying to "cancel" the person completely, because it works to build community and has a much more direct impact in breaking the stigma around mental illness by educating an individual who previously internalized those stigmatized views.

when you're trying to critically evaluate a piece of media that contains something you view as potentially harmful, here are some important questions to ask:

who is making this? why are they making it? what is the stated goal of the creator(s) in creating this specific piece of media? are there any other goals that the creator is leaving unsaid?

who is the intended audience of this media? how large is that audience? in what ways is this media catered to appeal to that audience? what responsibilities does the creator hold towards that audience? will the audience response be monolithic, or is there room for varied impact amongst members of the same audience?

is this media a lecture or a conversation? is this media presenting a moral truth that i am expected to accept? or is it presenting moral questions and encouraging me to draw my own conclusions?

what role does profit play in the creation + distribution of this media? what systems of power is this media invested in upholding, if any? what institutions is this media invested in upholding, if any?

these are all questions which, depending on the answers, are going to change your evaluation on the media. this post kind of sums up what i mean, and i talk more here about when art becomes truly harmful. but also, i want to emphasize--engaging with media critically and coming to the conclusion that something is harmful is not the same thing as policing media, at least in my opinion. policing implies reinforcing set rules for how someone can or cannot create/engage with media, which doesn't allow for the necessary flexibility needed for actual critical thought. i think it's also important to note that policing typically says "if this media is Bad, you must destroy it/ignore it completely." but critically engaging with media means acknowledging harmful media when it exists, and analyzing why it exists + what it's trying to do. it also means acknowledging that not all media is going to fit cleanly into the harmful/harmless dichotomy. sometimes media will contain harmful stereotypes or stigmatizing portrayals in one sense, and really important representation or progressive ideas in another sense. other times, a portrayal that feels stigmatizing to one person will feel like representation to another. part of engaging critically with media means evaluating what it's doing as a whole and accounting for both the good and the bad. at the end of the day, we can't solve problems by refusing to engage with them at all, y'know?

[essiekuko]

that’s not fair nicole ur 5’2 ofc ur gonna be lower than 100lbs 😭😭

u guys like. i have heather duke in my pfp. how else did u expect me not to have an €d lmfao

finally getting back into f4st1ng, like it’s abt time. it’s almost christmas soon and like my whole family tree is coming over. i need my sk1nny comeback asap. my longest f4st was from sept 30 - oct 3 (mean girls day hehe) for 74hrs. i didn’t even know about keto, c4ls, i just had sunrise fast app and a dream lmfao. and i just did it just like that. now it’s nov and it’s pretty much now or never

it gets easier when u either sk1p the start of day m34l or end of day of m34l. like if u sk1pp3d brek/din u set urself up for a successful f4st. that and avoiding the kitchen at all times lmfaoo

idek anything abt berserk but i just b liking it cause of guts and casca. shld i even be liking it cause of guts and casca cause i feel like i shouldn’t like i feel like something bad happens that i don’t wanna know. which is why i’ll never read it (fanboys cry harder)

anyway i like that girl with the short blonde hair in the cute two braids i think? what era is this berserk even taking place in. looks either medieval or victorian.

i love misato sm. obviously not what she did. i mean i love mai sm, i especially like her hair and want hair like that soooo bad

this is probably the besttt mean girls broadway cast ♡ i still dk who sabrina played but ik she ate wtv role she got anyway

theres only 3 times in my life where i eat. when im on my period, when i have to study and during family events. rn im on my period AND i have to study smh. so i cant rlly f4st as long as i'd like. i rlly need to lock in especially now bc theres only abt 1 1/2 weeks left of nov and then its december and i srsly cannot be f4t in december. not again!!! my period ends this saturday so by sunday i'll start a big long f4st til the end of nov. and i made up this little challenge, i call it the advent calendar, where i f4st from december 1st to december 25 and christmas will be my big break. december is like perfect f4sting season, cause there's no more exams so no more studying and everyone's in holiday mode. i think. if i get my period before dec 25 it'll fvck everything up, cause even when i dont 3at i still get that stupid fvcking period w31ght g41n. hopefully if it does happen, it'll happen close to dec 25, but not on dec 25, but close so that by the time it's over i would've sl1mm3d back down. my old c4l intake used to be 600cal, but i notice i just 34t over that anyway, so it's 800c4l now and i dont even 34t all the way up to 800, i usually stop at around 750-780. as long as its under 1000 is all that matters. then i kinda get to thinking, if im gonna sk1p din and brek, why 3at at all lol. cause i always be 3ating at around 1-2pm if im feeling hmm idk a bit normal today. and i felt a bit normal today so i 4te unfortunately. but then again im on my period so im not normal??? also bc while i was studying i was falling over the table so i just got up and 4te immediately awww. more honestly, it's cause nobody was around. so i dove straight in and b1nged it out. thats a rlly bad habit but ik its not just my experience. 34ting when nobody's around and then f4st1ng when ur in the public eye. it should be more like this: 34ting when everyone's around to look normal and then f4st1ng when nobodys around. but then thats the thing, ppl want me to 3at, but i dont want to do what ppl want me to do, so i dont 3at kind of in protest of that. and obviously when theres no ppl around to tell me what to do........ and besides, i look normal enough. so who's gonna worry anyway??? i feel like i just annoy ppl when i dont 3at lol. shit i should've just come straight here when i felt hvngry in the first place. then i wouldn't have freaking 3aten at all lol.

OMG THIS. THIS IS WHAT I WAS TALKING ABT. if u want to see what im talking abt js search keyword 'live thru this' on my blog. also how do u do that 'below the cut' thing. cause my bulk posts are starting to annoy me.

miss destiny snow is BUILT DIFFERENTT i just had to say that before i move onto my next post but she rlly is!!!

I FOUND THAT ARTIST THAT SPECIFICALLY DRAWS THE UMMM THE THIGN!!!! THE TIGHN!!! THE THING!!! THEY DRAW THE STUFF1!!

[zukuist]

𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐝 𝐨𝐟 𝐬𝐢𝐦𝐩𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐚𝐫𝐞

200 followers special

includes: multiple characters (would add more tags but.. i reached 30 ;;)

your name is shortened to y/n, they/them pronouns

notes: thank you for 200 followers! this isn’t really going to be that long, but im just doing the characters i really like so ;; ALSO I MIGHT’VE GOTTEN KIRI’S ENTRY A LITTLE WRONG so ugh sorry ;;

—

shouto todoroki

— THE OBSERVANT SIMP

from the start, he’s quite oblivious to certain things, (social ques, signs of romantic interest, etc.)

but when he’s observant with someone, then that totally means you’re special to him. does he realize how much he pays attention to you? hmm.. maybe?

he’s going to be the first one that notices you’re hungry, even if you don’t realize it yourself. he’s quick to grab a snack and break it open to you

same thing with being thirsty— if he notices that your water bottle is empty, he’ll quickly find the nearest vending machine and buy a bottle.

temperature is also no problem. he can immediately tell whenever someone’s cold; but he usually helps you first

too hot? he’s slowly putting down the room’s temperature

too cold? his left palm starts emitting some sort of heat in your direction, hoping it creates some sort of aid

if your shoelaces are undone, and/or he notices that there’s a button undone on your shirt— he’ll fix it for you

will ask to take your pictures on dates, and he’ll also help you pick out the best photo (not that any photo of you is short of any beauty)

in short— people will notice that he’s actually a big simp for you; because of how observant he is with you specifically.

katsuki bakugou

— THE TSUNDERE SIMP

just because he’s simping for you doesn’t mean he’ll treat you any differently. bakugou will be bakugou, and you eventually learn how to adapt to that.

but even so, his simp habits slip out sometimes.

when he’s cooking, he’ll accidentally make too much to eat, and he’ll coincidentally put the extras in another box and hand it to you

he’s a good student, even with studies. but would he say he’s a good teacher? hm. probably not

but if he notices you need help, he’ll sigh, feining annoyance as he decides to tutor y’all, because those ‘idiots’ are hopeless

rolls his eyes when he sees food on your cheek, but he’ll grab a tissue and wipe it off for you— claiming how you’re so messy.

he’ll act like he hates hearing your ‘annoying ass singing’ but he’ll lean against the doorway and listen to you rock out to whatever song you’re singing to.

denki will call him a simp for looking after you, and bakugou will just yell at him to “SHUT UP” >:T

he secretly likes taking care of you. his words aren’t the softest thing in the world, but his actions make up to it.

izuku midoriya

— THE DETAILED SIMP

as katsuki bakugou would call him; he is a nerd

he definitely meant that as an insult, but his input on detail makes it very useful in things like relationships

he remembers every detail of your quirk, your limits, potential secret moves.

it would’ve been stalker-ish, if it weren’t for the fact that deku does this out of admiration for his s/o

so if you so happen to collapse due to overusing your quirk— deku has a detailed plan on what to do. it’s almost scary.

he puts detail in a lot of things, anniversary gifts, birthday gifts, and so on.

deku’s also the type to plan things weeks before it actually happens. like.. planning out the perfect birthday gift

and with this, his memory is really good. so it’s very unlikely that he’ll just suddenly forget anniversaries and birthdays.

i hc deku as a bad cook, so he eats takeout food more than his homemade food

but he’s takes note of your allergies, your dislikes with food— and he finds himself mumbling small details to recall what you like

when you walk out in pretty/good outfits for dates

his face will break out into shades of red— suddenly rambling all the good details of your outfit, complimenting you while he’s at it

“y/n’s looks fantastic as always. i might die from their beauty”

if anyone calls him a simp, he’ll be really embarrassed about it. “me? a s-simp? is that a bad thing?”

just tell him it’s fine.

denki kaminari

— THE HYPEMAN SIMP

a big simp

like.. really big

he worships the ground you step on, and hypes up everything you do

y’all know when irene from red velvet literally breathed in north korea, and the crowd just

*claps*

yeah, that’s denki to you

it’s so blantly obvious that he’s simping over someone, and everyone’s just kinda used to it at this point

he’s just a big fanboy sometimes

whenever you’re sparring with someone, he’s always in the background like

“go s/o!!” 🤩

and he has tendencies to go a little easy on you like.. what’s he gonna do when you get electricuted??

but that doesn’t mean he’s never serious— nah.

there are times where he’s just a little bashful just being in your presence

sneaking glances your way, as he silently fanboys about you in general.

“s/o looks really good today. they always look good but !!”

when y’all weren’t together, the bakusquad was just tired of the constant romantic pining

it was really obvious that he was simping back then, and they’re not so sure as to how you didn’t say anything about it

mina always called him a simp

so yeah!! it was a big relief when you got together with him. he never makes you feel terrible, because he’s always your #1 hypeman.

eijirou kirishima

— THE HELPING SIMP (rip idk what to call this)

i didn’t really know what kinda name i went for this one but let me carry on

kiri upfront is very confident, and friendly. he never shows a mean side to anyone,

and there are rare cases of him being bashful

he’s kinda almost like a golden retriever? since he’s always nice and friendly to everyone

but then when you enter the room; he suddenly goes quiet, and he’s left alone with his rather loud thoughts about you

he didn’t really know how to properly approach you at first

but him being kiri, he’s still rather friendly to you (for now)

when he’s messing around, practically sharing one braincell with kami and sero

and then you suddenly walk in— he snaps out of his foolishness, and greet you with his very warm smile

“hey y/n!” he waves at you, and he hopes you don’t mention the teasing look on both kami and sero’s face

sometimes when he’s doing his close combat training, and he notices that he’s getting too close to you

he’ll be like “woah man, maybe we should move locations.” bc he doesn’t wanna hit you by accident ;;

kirishima prefers to not stand near you when his hair is all spiky. like he’s never conscious about it, until he’s around you

man poked sero with his hair before, and he doesn’t want to do that to you

kiri always looks at your hand, just to see if it’s occupied with something. his thoughts linger to what your hand might feel like

“their hand looks really.. soft. argh! i shouldn’t be thinking about these kind of things in public! im sorry y/n”

bakugou really only notices kirishima’s simping ways

bakugou always mentions the fact that kirishima goes really silent whenever you’re around—

and he’s secretly contemplating on having you around more so he can just shut up 。・°°・(＞_＜)・°°・。

moving aside all of that, kiri always carries your things.

you’ll beg him to give you at least one thing, and he’ll say no because it’s “not manly to let someone carry all of this.”

if you’re sad, he’s the first one to cheer you up— reassuring you that everything will be okay.

kiri’s just wants to be at your service at all times! it’s manly to help people, right?

hitoshi shinsou

— THE DISCREET SIMP

no one would be able to tell that he’s simping for someone

because unlike kaminari; he’s not like IM HITOSHI SHINSO AND IM ACTUALLY A SIMP

he’s a lot more discreet, and no one has really caught on, besides you and kaminari of course

he’s a lot less sarcastic with you, asking you about anything that’s happened instead of just being there

he prefers it to hear you talk. the way each word and syllable rolls off your tongue smoothly, and the way you use your hands to emphasize things

he’s amused.

oh and the way he looks at you? almost any normal person can sense the simp in him pop out (he’s so contained though)

he’s definitely the person that’ll get rid of any bug that’s terrifying you— even though he’d normally just leave it to them

he’ll do it, regardless if it’s the biggest fucking spider he’s ever seen, or the smallest spider

he’ll do it to make you feel safe.

he has these random spurs of compliments during the day

the source mainly comes from his staring habit

and they’re just so unexpected and out of the blue. hitoshi’s amused whenever he sees your reaction to his compliments

like.. you could be really frustrated about something, and he’ll just go “your eyes are pretty.” that’s his discreet method tO MAKE YOU TEMPORARILY DISTRACTED FROM THE ISSUE—

call him a simp, whatever. it’s true anyway so he doesn’t why should he be ashamed of it?

he’s discreet about it, since it’s your business and his business. but you can definitely feel his feelings loud and clear

neito monoma

— THE 180 SIMP

“i’m not a simp!”

[you enter the room]

*nervous laughter*

he had his last laugh, and he never thought he’d be this soft around someone.

especially if you’re from class 1-A like.. i became the thing i hated, ugh.

relentless teasing is amped but this is his way of making sure you remember him loud and clear

but he’ll never tease you in a condescending way— like how he torments the rest of class 1-A

that’s reserved for them 💅

always compliments you, that’s the first thing he does when he sees you—

and they’re never generic compliments either

“it’s nice to see you here, y/n! you make the world better day by day!”

“i’m still wondering what you’re doing in class 1-A, you’re much better than them!”

everyone secretly wonders how you got monoma to like you

monoma canonically likes pastels. spread the word

so sometimes, you’ll walk over to your desk— and you’ll just see this random pastel ornament sitting on your desk

you know who it’s from

whenever monoma starts becoming annoying, kendo will definitely use you as a weapon to make him shut up

he’ll be laughing at the expression on his face, thinking he’s absolutely winning at this

but the smile is wiped off his face when he hears “ok go on, i’ll tell y/n about your antics.”

“no, no! i’ll behave now, please don’t tell y/n.”

class 1-b literally use you as blackmail whenever monoma acts up, and it’s because of how different he is around you

like.. his personality takes a 180, (besides the obvious teasing) it’s alarming

—

©️zukuist 2021, bnha|mha belongs to horikoshi kohei. do not repost my work❕

[scarlet-fantasies]

Trip to Germany w Bf Eren (Hcs reupload)

::Notice::

*this is the re-uploaded version (third-time bc of a tumblr glitch). To read the original click here.

Prompt Requests are open

You two have probably been together for a while 5+ years so the relationship is kinda serious by this point.

So you probably took the summer off and Eren surprised you with a very heartfelt gift. Bc he thought he should let you meet his family (grandparents) and show you his culture bc you literally mean the world to him and he just wants you to be a part of his world.

“This summer is going to be boring I can see it.” You’d crossing your arms.

“Hmm, how about a trip?” He'd ask, back hugging you.

“Oh like a road trip?” You’d smile feeling Eren’s lips against your neck.

“No silly, a vacation.” He’d say kissing your shoulder and trailing up your neck.

“Mmm, what kind?” You’d say bashfully as he’d continue to kiss you.

He’d look up at you, “I’m thinking somewhere new, far away from everyone, and somewhere where we can do this.” He’d grin pinning you on the bed whilst kissing you.

“Eren!” You’d Yelp, being underneath him within the blink of an eye. You’d feel yourself giggle at this and have your feet curl in excitement by his constant kisses.

He’d stop to give you a second as he smiled down at you before asking, “How about Germany, my hometown?”

“You’re hometown? Idk Eren that’s like expensive though. And besides, we have to book a hotel and—“ you’d ramble on only for him to stop you.

“Babe, my dad's a doctor and I’ve been working hard to make up the money and he said we should go. And we can stay with my grandparents.”

“But Eren we shouldn’t bother them they need privacy.” You’d frown.

“They own a loft in the same neighborhood we can live there, just the two of us. I’ve already talked to my parents and grandparents and they said it’ll be fine.”

“Yeah but the language—-“

“Babe I speak German and I can get us around and I’ll take you to Berlin, not just my hometown near the Black Forest, okay? So just yes baby it’s that easy.”

“Eren.”

“Yes?”

“You planned stuff without me just so I could say yes to you about this trip, didn’t you?”

“Did it work?” He’d look at you hopefully and with a smug grin.

“Yes.” You’d smile bring him into a kiss.

Okay, let’s talking about packing yes I know I’ve talked about this before but for Germany it’s a little different cause we’ll Eren is worried you’ll be homesick, although Germany is well developed.

But you know he worries for you like he literally will bring some of his shirts and hoodies just for you to wear cause he knows you feel a little better with stuff from home being with you. He probably even brings you little things that you keep like a hair clip you always wear or your little bracelet your mom may have given you, like whatever.

He’s in charge of everything and just tells you to relax and just pack your clothes and to not worry. And the airport is pretty much the same too, he worries about everything. And you two are staying for a month so it’ll be a long trip.

When you both land he’s going to be worried of if you’ll get lost so he holds your hand so that it doesn’t happen. And he tells you to not let go of his hand even if they get sweaty.😂😂

All in all you have a rental car drive to a hotel since well you two are in Berlin first and so you two will be staying there for a few days before visiting Eren’s family. Plus you the Black Forest is only 7hrs away by car from Berlin so Eren figured he’d just drive there after showing you around Berlin.

Now from what I’ve read the beds in Germany are different. So like a queen size bed has two built-in mattresses, yes you heard me right to mattress have a crack in the middle of the bed for a partner's privacy. And if one sits in the middle of the bed it means they wanna do it. But you didn't know that and nor did you know that Eren was full of surprises.

When he explained to you the reason for separate mattresses was privacy you kinda thought it was weird but honestly didn’t pay much mind to it. So you ended up sitting on the bed after you showered and Eren saw you sitting in the middle of the bed and he just became such a perv.

“Wow, I didn’t know you were in the mood, Y/n.” He’d smirk, climbing on the bed in seconds, looming over you.

“W-what?” You’d look up at him blushing.

“By sitting in the middle of the bed you’re telling me you want me, whatta naughty girl.” He’d laugh pressings his body weight against you.

“But I’d didn’t know—“

“You’re so honest for me—cute. I’m gonna make you wake up the neighbors.”

“E-eren wait—“ you’d be cut off by him giving you hickeys on your neck.

So yes there’s that moment of him being intimate with you. But it didn’t go very far considering you were probably tired.

At the hotel since the tv remote and any papers or whatever are in German so you don’t touch anything bc well you can’t read so your just sitting there confused until Eren helps.

He honestly forgets he has to. Like he thought it was weird how you didn’t turn on the tv and then you told him.

“Babe, you’re not going to watch anything?” He’d look at you as you sat on the couch just looking around the place.

“Uh well, I can’t read the remote.” You’d smile looking at him.

Realizing this he’d come by your side and put you in his lap to guide you on the controls.“oh crap, I’m sorry. here press this and then this is the home button.” He’d smile giving you a kiss on the cheek whilst his hand was over yours as he guided you.

Of course, tho you’d have to read subtitles cause everything was probably in German and idk y but I could see that the first channel you both open the tv up to is like a sex scene in like a heavily erotic movie and your just so embarrassed and even Eren is a little taken back.

“Okay-Woah! That’s too much.” He’d say taking the remote to change the channel for you to something like a romance movie.

“Sorry Y/n, I should’ve shown you how to change the channel.”

“It’s okay.”

You always look for Eren if the maid is at the door and says she wants to clean and if he wants to order room service or call the main office for something since they may or may not speak English.

But he doesn’t mind doing that for you even if you tell him you feel bad for always needing his help.

Anyways he'd show you around Berlin and he'd be holding your hand a lot because he doesn't want you to get lost since he has like this irrational fear of you getting lost. Plus the train station there is kinda big and it's a common thing to take the train to get somewhere. So yes Eren get's worried about losing you if you get distracted or if you just get lost in the crowd cause I mean that could happen.

It's honestly very funny to you and you tell him not to worry but I mean there was one incident where you actually did get lost mostly cause of the like crowded place and you turn your focus to something else for only a minute and then you are no longer with Eren since he’s walking and he just freaked cause he doesn’t want something to happen to you. And so he panicked a little and you kinda did and tried to see if you could find him in the crowd but you honestly couldn’t.

Seeing this Eren would call you on your cell to get a hold of you. And I mean he did but it took a little bit.

“Babe where are you!?”

“At one of the sidewalks, I was about to cross the street with you remember?”

“Shit, What’s the street name?”

“I don’t know It has a bunch of crazy letters.”

“Okay don’t leave, I’ll find you. And don’t hang up.”

“Ok.”

Rather than him finding you, you found him and of course hugged him to surprise him.

“Eren!” You’d shout running over to him and embracing him.

“Gosh, you had me worried!” He’d scold, accepting your hug and picking you up so he could carry you.

“Eren, it was only a few minutes.” You’d smile kissing his cheek.

“Don’t do that again.” He’d still be a little annoyed at how you gave him a scare but you honestly thought it was funny.

“Okay, I’m sorry. And I promise I’ll stay closer.”

“Yeah, no kidding I’m carrying you the rest of the trip. I should’ve bought you one of those kid leashes or one of those trackers that squeak for kids.”

“Eren.” You’d whine.

“Do you think it’d fit you?” He’d ask with a grin.

“Eren!”

“Okay, okay I’m just kidding.” He’d laugh still having you in his arms.

There are a lot places that only accept cash and so Eren told you that beforehand but even so he’d still buy you everything but you might be a little upset since you tell him he can’t buy you everything.

“Babe it’s fine.”

“No Eren, I need to pay for stuff on the trip.”

He just wouldn’t let you pay and you get upset. Which leads you to be mad at him a little and he wouldn’t notice till you two stopped to sit on a bench so you could take a break from walking.

“What’s wrong babe?” He’d notice your frown whilst he pinched your cheek.

“Eren, why do you always do pay for everything? I should pay for something on the trip.” You’d turn to him.

“Because you’re my baby. Now don’t worry about it.” He’d smile before pulling you into his lap giving you a kiss.

I really see that if the weather is cold you might feel a little chilly since you might not be used to it so he’ll find it cute how your face is cold and that you just shiver.

Which leads him to give you his sweatshirt and he’d even wrap a scarf around you if needed cause he doesn’t want you getting sick.

“You're so cute, you know I can make you warmer at the hotel.” He’d wink, making you blush.

I really feel like he wouldn’t have sex with the girl he’s serious about until it’s been a while and he might even wait till marriage if she wants to and I could really picture his gf being that type of person cause I mean I see he has a preference to shy girl which obviously means she’s probably less likely to have sex with her bf. (Just saying) plus I have an idea if his gf is a virgin up ahead.

Anyways he should you some neat places in Berlin, like some history and then things that are different but to be honest there is more to see in his hometown so just stay tuned for that cause we are jumping into it right now!🤩

Okay so you two were in Berlin for a little bit Eren planned to mostly stay at his home town Schiltach, Baden-Württemberg. Which is just basically a village near the Black Forest, it’s one we see above in the photos (with the houses w the river) I chose it cause I'm a cottagecore hoe tbh

Now I know Eren would have family there but his parents have a small cottage there too that’s like a loft where you can stay and so bc he wanted to have some privacy and bc his grandparents live in a small home and his dad told him to check on the home he just figured you’d to stay at the loft. And it was probably just so cozy and cute. And you live right by the river.

So anyways Eren went to see his grandparents who lived there and they were very happy to meet you. Even if they didn’t know English. You both spent a good amount of time with them seeing they missed Eren and wanted to catch up with him. And they also showed you around.

They even invited you over for food lots of times and you and Eren had to go bc you didn’t want to be rude. But the only you weren’t a fan of is needy Eren could be in moments like this. For example, I picture that his grandma is asking you both to help her and you do but Eren puts his hand on your ass in a discreet way. Especially if his grandma leaves to get something he comes up behind you and caresses your ass.

And as much as you want to get snappy with him you don’t because you don’t want to make a scene. “Eren seriously, cut it out.”

“Then why did you have to wear these pants.” He’s so horrible ik.😂😂

Drinking is a big thing in Germany so you will see Eren drink but he refuses that you do bc he doesn’t want you to get drunk and plus he doesn’t want you to do something you regret.

Like I really feel like he is just to overprotective if you tried to drink with friends or something cause if you’re drunk he doesn’t want you being taken advantage of like he worries to much especially if you're like a crazy or perverted drunk and then that’s not your actual personality he doesn’t want you to be drunk like that. He worries over you too much.

But I do think you got to try some beer or whatever and when Eren let you try it I could just picture him laughing at your face after you tasted it. Seeing he made you try something that you weren’t into he gave you apple juice instead to compensate.

Anyways I see that bc it’s a small village they probably have some festivals and stuff and since his grandma took a liking to you she probably made you a dress (it was a dirndl) and she styled your hair with flowers and wanted to have Eren see and also to brag to others that you were “Eren’s wife” even tho you weren’t and you had no idea that’s what she thought.

Anyways Eren thought you looked cute in the outfit and took a picture of you and probably took you to the festival they were having (his grandma insisted) and he just couldn’t help but admire your beauty and the way your braided hair and flowers looked on you and just everything.

That night I’m thinking you two had a lot of fun and didn’t go back to the loft until late bc you two were just to all over each other. And I see that you two are walking back and since your by the river you tell Eren that you wanna sit by it to rest and so you two do. But before you know it you’re feet are in the water and the next thing you know you two are splashing water at each other and getting completely wet.

“Quit splashing.” He’d laugh but you of course didn’t stop.

“Hey! Alright that’s it you’re getting it.” He’d smirk making you scream and jolt at the fact that he tackled you down on the grass field, both of you with compeletly soaked clothes and he just has his forehead rest against yours before kissing you roughly before he gradually became passionate about it.

I really see that you start getting into your make out and Eren is trailing his hand up and down your sides. (If his gf is virgin I really see that she ends up having sex with him the first time in Germany but not literally out in the open of course.)

So seeing how it’s becoming you tell Eren that you want to go home.

“Mm, Eren not here.” You’d mumble breaking the kiss.

“It’s fine, it doesn’t matter. Nudity’s a normal thing in Germany.” He’d say kissing down your neck. Though as much as Eren was in the mood it was all killed when the police came by and asked the both of you what was going on. (It wasn’t that they cared they were just around and you know how cops are if they see intimate couples)

You both stood up and looked at him and Eren of course answered in German. “Sorry officer. My wife and I are a little drunk.” He’d lie to be let off the hook which he surprisingly was seeing that cop only told him to not be so carried away next time but because Eren mentioned that you two were married they just let you go and thought you both were some crazy love struck newlyweds so they let you two be and only said to get home.

And as soon as you two got there you both instantly got into another make out session. This time though Eren started to unbutton the three buttons on your blouse leaving you kisses and hickeys in your chest and neck area.

He for sure had you up against the wall and looked at you for consent of course and you just nodded your head a little and he continued to take off your clothes. And you two had quite the passionate night for the first time (if it was his gfs first time anyways, I think it would be a cute concept if it was.)

The next day you’d wake up finding your hair still in the braids and flowers but being completely naked in bed with the blanket wrapped around you. And Eren was just admiring you seeing he came back from the shower. He’d sit on the bed only to lean over and give you a kiss to greet you.

“Good morning my beautiful princess. Did I wake you?” He’d smile at you kissing your forehead too.

“Good morning, and no. I just got up.”

“Oh good, I want you to shower while I get everything ready for breakfast.”

“Your cooking?”

“Not exactly, but don’t worry about it just shower.” Seeing you’d standstill with the blanket wrapped around you he’d tell you to get up and is just sitting there watching you not move.

“Well?”

“Eren. I’m naked, turn around or something please.”

“Alright, alright. But how was last night?”

“Eren!”

And so he left after you yelled at him and so he made you try a lot of good food his grandma probably made and brought to you cause she wanted to and she made Black Forest (chocolate cake with 🍒 and its really good) cake so you know it was all gonna be fine.

You came back with curly hair from the overnight braids. And you were happy to see him do all these things for you and honestly didn’t want him to spoil you this much.

“My grandma wanted to make us food and so she came by give me all this.”

“Oh she’s sweet, but she didn’t have to.”

“Well she insisted and I forgot she also made Black Forest cake. And if there’s something you should know is that you can’t have better Black Forest cake then this.” He’d smile setting the cake down in the middle of table.

“Oh I see.” You’d look at him as he approached you with a smile, pulling you into him.

His hand running through your curls as he rested his chin in the crook of your neck. “You smell so good you know that?” He’d say planting small kisses on your neck as he’d tickle your skin.

“Eren—“ you’d giggle about to push him away.

“Kinda like last night, you were so beautiful.” He’d mumble whilst attacking your neck with kisses.

“Eren, mm stop—what’s gotten into you? Ahh!” You’d Yelp at the suddenly contact of his hand groping your ass.

“I don’t want you giving this to someone else, ever.” He’d hum squeezing your ass with his hand.

“Eren quit, mm not right now. Please, I wanna eat. We’re gonna miss breakfast.” You’d giggle pushing his hand away from your bottom.

He’d pull away from your neck looking up at you he’d smirk tilting your chin up for him to kiss you. “I’m not missing anything if you’re the only meal I wanna eat.”

“Eren!” You’d say playfully hitting him. Only for him to chuckle.

“Okay, okay.”

You’d sit down next to him at the table eating together. But it’s never peaceful seeing he’d give deep eye contact when your eating or just doing anything.

You usually look away or tell him to stop but he never does tbh.

And he tries to feed you even if you shy away from him.

And he’ll ask you if you like the food any time you are trying something different.

Though I could totally see that his gf probably wouldn’t like some foods or ingredients like say for example something like sauerkraut. (Gosh I really hate that fermented cabbage😂😂)

So when you got to try it once you just made a face and he laughed finding it funny. And now he’s just gonna try to kiss you whenever he has that flavor in his mouth.😂😂

“Ewww Eren, stop.” You’d move away whilst he inched closer to you.

“C’mon let me kiss you.” He’d grin pulling you into his lap to keep you still.

“No.” You’d turn your cheek to avoid him only for him to move on the opposite side.

“Y/n, give me a kiss.” He’d laugh trying to get you to kiss him whilst you hid your face away.

“No, your mouth tastes like that thing.” You’d whine struggling in his grip.

“It doesn’t, I promise. Babe I love you, now come here.” He’d lie enough to have you believe.

You eventually cave and let him kiss you only to hit him on the shoulder for lying. He’d laugh at you seeing your grimace at him.

“Eww.” You’d whine.

Anyways I see that he likes to show you around and stuff on his own and so you can go to Lake Titisee cause you can hike there and there’s like a market where you can by things.

And he’d definitely take you there to go and see there famous handmade cuckoo clocks and the shops that make them. He’d even buy you a small one seeing you Like them so much, he’d tell the man in German “I’d like this one for my wife.” Of course you wouldn’t catch on to anything since you didn’t know but everyone kept thinking you were his wife/going to be in this village for some reason. He addressed you as his wife bc the man mostly likely told him “there’s plenty of good clocks for newlyweds.” And so he had like no choice but to like just say you were his wife, plus he liked the idea tbh.

But overall you tell him not to get it for you but he does anyways cause he loves you so much. It was a small one but it was cute in detail and the little bird was probably the prettiest thing about it.

Eren took you to a waterfall that’s near the forest that people go to, to swim in and you two of course thought about getting wet and to not ruin your clothes you both went under the water naked for sure. Once you saw him taking off his shirt and you couldn’t understand why tho.

“Eren what are you doing?” You’d approach him.

“Well if we wanna go in we don’t want to get our clothes wet do we?” He’d say taking off his belt.

“But Eren isn’t it illegal if we—-“

“Shh it’s not if we don’t get caught. Now c’mon take ‘em off.” He’d grin playfully playing with the waistband of your shorts. His hands fumbling with your button and zipper.

“Eren I don’t think we—“ You stop at the feeling of his fingers hook in and pulling your shorts down.

Blush creeped up on your cheeks “Eren!”

“Sorry babe you’re taking to long.” He’d laugh.

“It’s embarrassing!”

“No it’s not, now c’mon it’ll be fun I promise.” He’d smirk lifting your chin up for him to kiss you.

So you agreed and yes stripped down and got under the water with him and had fun for sure. And there was defiantly a make out scene. But mostly just messing around.

Of course it was just the two of you and your laughter and just the both of you having fun but Eren took the time to admire you, not your body, but everything about you just like that time by the river he got that same feeling in him again. He felt so happy and he honestly didn’t want the trip to end soon. He enjoyed seeing you smile the way you did.

In Eren’s hometown there are also flower fields and you two had a picnic outside one day and were just relaxing and enjoying yourselves and what not till you got a little playful from all his gentle touches on your shoulder and waistline.

You were wearing a thin white cotton dress and that was a little transparent and Eren couldn’t take his eyes off you.

So you decided to stand up and walk around till a idea got in your head about teasing him.

“Eren.” You’d smile lifting the hem of your dress up exposing your thigh and lacy underwear to him on purpose.

“Alright that’s it.” He’d smirk playing along and getting up to chase after you in the field.

It didn’t take long for him to pick you up and plant kisses on your shoulder. He’d even growl a little and bite your ear to have you scream.

Overall he’s tickling and kissing you all over to have you laugh and jolt in his grasp all cause you provoked him.

Eren just won’t let you live down the moment at all. And now you really have him hooked that way.

Now you learned a lot throughout this trip and he taught you about the culture and you both experienced a lot of different things together but that was soon coming to an end. And Eren finally came to the decision of wanting to marry you so he defiantly asked you on this trip. He couldn’t wait any longer to ask you.

So I see that he probably had plan of some sort but it honestly went unexpected and it was nothing like he planned.

You two went back to the loft in the evening seeing that Eren thought about relaxing a little seeing you both hadn’t done that in a while.

So you were both planning to eat some cake that you still had cause well why not and you were looking for the cake cutter in one of the drawers but couldn’t find it. So you switch to the other drawer to see if it was there.

“No y/n it’s not in there—“ he’d stopping mid sentence as you stopped seeing the small velvet box in the drawer.

You took the small box in your hands showing it to Eren with some confusion.

“Eren, what’s this?”

“That was supposed to be a surprise.” He’d sigh walking over to you take the box in his hands.

“Why would—“ you stopped mid-sentence seeing him open the velvet box with a ring in it.

“I was gonna ask you to marry me and this really isn’t the way I pictured it.” He’d smile looking up to see you surprised.

“Wait you’ve been thinking about marrying me?” You’d blinked still not believing this.

“Yes! . . . Gosh your so silly sometimes.” He’d laugh teasing you about your cluelessness.

“Sorry, but are you sure about this, Eren?” You’d look up at him being serious.

“100% my silly girl. Now, what’s your answer? Do you wanna be Mrs. Yeager or not?” He’d grin, hoping you’d say yes.

“I’d really like that.” You’d smile as he’d lean in to give you a kiss.

“Good, 'cause you don't how much I've wanted to own this ass." He'd smirk smacking your butt.

Anyways you two loved the trip and had a very fun time and Eren’s grandparents liked you a little too much tbh and they were excited about your engagement.

Also you ended up figuring out that he kept addressing you as his wife there and you ended up getting mad at him for it.

"Eren seriously? What if I said no in the end?"

"But you didn't."

"But if I did?"

"You wouldn't besides what does it matter when this ass belongs to me anyways?" He'd smirk pulling you in to have you bent over his knee.

"Eren!"

::Previous Post::

1

© scarlet-fantasies // do not steal, reuse, repost onto other sites. all writing and ideas are original unless stated otherwise. // 2021-Present.

[auroracalisto]

lotus flower

summary: escaping an abusive relationship was difficult.  rushing to a camp in the middle of nowhere to escape your husband shouldn’t have been as terrifying as it turned out to be.

pairing: xavier plympton x reader x chet clancy, reader x abusive husband named roger

word count: 1.5k words

warnings: abuse, physical abuse and mental abuse, mentions of abuse and physical depictions of what happened, ahs 1984, canon typical situations 

a/n: idk if i’ll actually continue this bc idk if it will do well.  however, i wanted to see the response i would get and i really liked writing this in general soooo.  also, for the title, just look up the meaning of a lotus flower :) you’ll understand if you don’t already.  

You were running.  From him.  From your past.  From the nakedness that now adorned your ring finger.  And that’s how you ended up at Camp Redwood, as a counselor.  It was a job, far away from Roger.  As much as you had wished you could have stayed and not uproot your entire life, you knew that staying there was dangerous.

The fading bruises on your stomach were proof of that.

You had heard about the position through the newspaper—the only survivor of the 70′s massacre wanted to open it up to try and create some good memories there.

Miles away and deep in the forest was your best bet of avoiding your abusive husband.

So you called and inquired about the job—you weren’t even interviewed hardly.  The woman asked your name and said you were accepted.  All you had to do was show up the day before the kids were supposed to be there.  It would be you and a couple other counselors, but there weren’t that many kids—you wouldn’t be bombarded by everything.

You had hardly been out of your car for five minutes when Margaret led you over to Bertie.

“While we wait for the others to arrive, maybe you can help Bertie,” she said, giving you a smile.  “I’ll be back.”

She didn’t wait long before she rushed off, leaving you alone with the chef.  You gave her an awkward smile.

“Hi...”

“Hi, sweetheart,” she said, balancing her cigarette between her teeth as she talked.  “Here,” she moved to grab a crate full of bread.  “Take this inside for me?”

You immediately did as you were asked, taking the crate as soon as she handed it to you.  She took notice of your shakiness, but she didn’t comment on it, much like she didn’t comment on the multiple scars you had lining your bare arms.

Bertie took in a couple more things with you, only taking a break to light another cigarette.

"And this is Chef Bertie," Margaret said, walking up alongside of quite a few other people. You stood by her truck, looking at the people as they all came around. "A Camp Redwood veteran."

"Dibs," a man with blonde hair and a blue shirt quickly spoke. He smiled over at his friends, clearly joking.

"You wouldn't know what to do with it if you got it, handsome," Bertie spoke, smirking over at the man.

You couldn't help but laugh at Bertie, quickly placing a hand over your mouth.

"And who are you?" the blonde quickly asked, raising an eyebrow.

You averted your gaze.

"She's another counselor. She got here earlier in the day. [Your name]'s car was the one you parked beside of," Margaret said.

"Oh, so the one Xavier here almost hit with his door?" a blonde girl grinned, crossed her arms over her chest.

Xavier's eyes widened and he looked back at her. "I did not!"

Bertie rolled her eyes, holding up a crate of eggs. "Put those scrawny arms to work and help a lady fill her pantry. All of you, grab a crate. This heat is a killer," she spoke, sighing softly as she removed her cigarette. "You don't have to carry anymore, [Your name]—"

"—I can," you smiled over at the woman. You moved to take a crate which looked as though it had been filled with bottles of spices, sugars, and flour.

The man beside of Xavier had taken the crate of eggs.

A guy with brown hair came up beside of you, his arm brushing against yours as he grabbed a crate himself. He blushed but couldn't help himself from smiling at you.

"Sorry," he said.

You gave a hesitant smile, moving to walk back into the dining hall when Margaret began to speak again.

"Chef Bertie here worked here when I was a counselor. We are so blessed to have her with us."

Bertie continued to talk while everyone else carried in crates. You stayed inside, putting things where they needed to go—it wasn't that hard to figure out things. Of course, you avoided putting up things like spices. You didn't know if she liked them organized a certain way. As you walked back out, you couldn't help but overhear Bertie.

"I'm sorry that one bad apple ruined it for everyone. Minute I heard Margaret was reopening this place," she said, waving her hand, "I was the first to volunteer."

Margaret looked at everyone and breathed through her nose. "Alright. Let's continue with our tour. [Your name], come along with us. You haven't seen everything yet."

You gave a small nod and hesitantly followed along, looking at the group of people. They all seemed pretty friendly with each other.

The lot of you walked along towards the showers. Margaret was set on showing you all everything.

"Girls shower in the AM, boys in the PM. Same goes for counselors, too."

Eventually, your walk lead you to the cabins.

Margaret eventually left you all alone, and you stayed in the girls cabin.  The boys ended up sticking around, talking with the girls that they clearly knew.  You sat on your claimed bed, looking through your suitcase.  You purse your lips, half-listening to their conversation, half-not even paying attention to what you were looking for.  

“Hey,” the same boy who bumped into you earlier spoke.  “[Your name], right?”

You looked up, seeing him standing right in front of you.  Your eyes widened but you nodded.  

“Uh, yeah.”

“I’m Chet,” he grinned.  “Mind if I?” he pointed to the spot beside of you.  

You nodded in response.  Chet sat down beside of you on your bed, handing you an unopened can of beer.  

“Uh, no thank you,” you said, shaking your head.  “I’ve... seen enough alcohol to last me a lifetime.”

“Seen—“ he stopped himself, nodding slightly as he watched you.  “Alright.  Well, why don’t you come join us?  I promise, we don’t bite,” he chuckled softly.  “We’re gonna turn on the TV.  Don’t be a loner,” he said.  “We’ll be here all summer anyway.  Might as well get to know each other now.”

You nodded, knowing he was right.  “Uh, okay,” you said, nervously biting the inside of your cheek.  

Chet continued to smile in your direction.  He stood up, holding his hand out to you.  “Come on,” he said.  

A feeling in your gut was screaming at you to just stay put.  But you reached out to take his hand, knowing that for the first time in several years, you could do so without someone waiting to ridicule you for it.  

Chet smiled even more once you took his hand and he lead you over to the couch.  

Everyone introduced themselves to you, making sure they knew your name correctly as well.  

The flirtatious blonde looked over at you, his eyes set in a glare.  

“You better not think about stealing Bertie from me.”

Your eyes widened and you felt your cheeks burn.  “I would never—”

“Mhm,” Xavier rolled his eyes.  “I saw how you looked at her.  If I were her, I would have looked at you the same way.”

“Wow, Xavier,” scoffed Ray.  “Give it a rest, will you?”

“What?” Xavier laughed, keeping his eyes on you.  “I mean it, though.  You’re like super fucking hot,” he said.

You averted your gaze, guilt swelling in your chest.  This was wrong.  You were married.  To a piece of shit asshole, after all.  Your marriage to him didn’t matter.  Especially now that you were so far away.  You didn’t have to feel guilty.  You didn’t have to feel like you were going to get in trouble.  No one here knew of your past, and they would never know as long as you never said anything.  

After a moment of thinking of what to say, you looked back up at Xavier with a smile.  

“You’re not too bad, yourself,” you said.  

Xavier let out a triumphant laugh, grinning.  “Sweet,” he breathed out, looking you up and down.  Montana slapped his arm and he leaned back where he sat, rolling his eyes at her.  “Can you not hit me again?  Please?  That kind of hurt.”

Chet cleared his throat as he looked at you.  You quickly turned to face him, hoping that he didn’t think it was wrong of you to say so.

“He’s definitely not lying,” Chet spoke.  “You’re super fucking pretty.  I, uh, don’t want you to settle on him just yet,” he grinned, leaning against his hand as his elbow rested against the couch.  

You couldn’t help from your own laugh escaping you.  “Don’t worry, Chet.  He’s not the only cute guy here,” you said, locking eyes with his.  You noticed his blush right off the bat, but you didn’t say anything about it.  

You were glad you were here.  This was good.  It would be good.  It had to be good.  But what you didn’t know was that your hopeful thoughts were far too good to be true.  

[padfootastic]

1 and 44 bc i love listening to you rant about anything

*blushes, twirls hair* stahhhhp 🫣

1. How long ago did you start reading fanfiction? Writing fanfiction?

uhhh my earliest posted fanfiction is oct 13, 2016 (which. fuck. almost 6 years?) and i used to write on wattpad before that. reading was def way earlier than that, tho. i was reading rpf as far back as 2013-14 iirc (and i think everyone’s had a ‘1D kidnapped me on tour 😱/Zayn Malik is my BROTHER?!?’ phase lmao) but that died out pretty quick. i’ve been solely fanfiction territory for the past 6-7 years. different fandoms but i keep coming back to hp for some damned reason.

44. Rant about anything writing related.

oh my. we’re literally matched in heaven bc i also love a good rant lol but uhhh writing related let’s see 🤔

idk if this fits, exactly, but i hate how seriously some people take writing fanfiction these days? like, i don’t mean it in a ‘don’t write deep stuff, u must only be frivolous’ (i’ve read some absolutely wonderful ff that tackle all these super intense issues) but more of like—stop acting like fanfiction is a public service announcement or moral education ykno? like. it’s totally fair to want to write (and read!) stuff that’s educational or healthy or raising awareness. but like,,that’s not the only purpose of fiction and honestly, shouldn’t be either. if real life is policed and fiction is sanitised then where one even go? how are u supposed to explore?

(i was listening to this podcast which mentioned that abstract moral riddles like the trolley problem are thought experiments deliberately alienated from reality so that actions and attitudes and ethics can be judged/quantified w/o influence from other factors. i feel like fiction is something similar. it allows u to play around with concepts you otherwise would never touch, in a safe space) and im seeing so many people take that so seriously these days? that writing isn’t valid if it doesn’t come with 8739 disclaimers and caveats and justifications.

i also think this attitude has also started seeping into my own work? like i feel pressured to include all aspects of human psychosocial development, even if i just wanna write harry cuddling w sirius, because otherwise is it really valid? if i’m writing a headcanon or doing something meta-adjacent post/ask, i feel the need to caveat it with this and that. and that’s,,,not fun. it doesn’t inspire joy or creativity or any sort of interest. doesn’t make me wanna continue creating stuff.

bouncing off this—i genuinely think it has made writing, and by extension he fandom experience, much less fun. i used to be (and still am rly) a hardcore multishipper. i don’t care if my headcanons follow a linear chronology. it doesn’t matter if two of them are directly contradicting each other. but recently, i’ve been feeling like i should do that. ‘can i talk about emotionally vulnerable sirius after discussing at length how much i hate drama queen characterisations of him?’ like my god pen it’s not that serious!!!! and yet.

just idk. i feel like writings become infinitely more complicated and we’re all scrambling to keep pace with these unspoken rules that keep cropping up out of nowhere. and like. that’s not what i’m here for ykno? if i wanted to live in a place w this kind of pressure and punitive rules and implicit norms i’d just like,,,turn my phone off and go outside, right?

From this ask game

[the-hopeless-haze]

Oh, My Precious Whore

A/N: didn’t really think I’d ever be posting fic on here again… but I am tired and need a distraction so… have this as a treat

Pairing: Claire Underwood x f!reader, implied Duncan Shepherd x f!reader

CW: derogatory pet names, implied smut (will not occur in full until the next part)

Description: idk this is just pure filth bc there’s a severe lack of f!reader fic and… Robin Wright is hot af. Also had to throw in some Duncan in there bc I love Cody Fern

Maybe you should feel worse right now about what you’re doing, but you don’t.

You, at the very least, should feel scared. The Underwoods, or well, Underwood... she was a powerful woman and if you stepped a millimeter out of place your life was likely in danger. Or so they said. Your in-laws were wary of her, you know, but she was wary of them, too. You think. She’s a difficult woman to read.

The rumors concerning the crimes her late husband supposedly committed are lengthy and convoluted, but you suspect they hold some truth to them. Most rumors usually aren’t based totally in fiction. Her husband was truly a ruthless motherfucker. Claire... Claire doesn’t seem to be ruthless. Nor does she seem to be what you would describe as a motherfucker.

No, she’s a cold hearted bitch. A bitter, sociopathic cunt.

But you never wanted what was good for you.

Sometimes, you swear you love Duncan and you wish it was easier to convince yourself. He a good husband, all things considered. Perhaps a little too focused on work, but... he treats you well to make up for it. He is loyal to a fault, if anyone ever was. You met him through a friend, and though it makes you feel guilty you used him in a vain attempt to get closer to Annette.

But Annette didn’t swing your way, as she told you in not so many words. Or, rather, she said, “Just be a good pet and marry my son. You on his arm will do well for everyone all around. Your dalliances on the side are no one’s business as long as you keep them secret enough that not even Duncan finds out.”

So you agreed, and accepted his proposal you figured she no doubt hounded him into. It’s not so much that you don’t like men, you do, and Duncan is such an attractive man, and he’s a thorough lover... it’s just you suppose you have a preference for women. Older women. You used to joke in high school that you wanted to be a high-end escort for rich older women getting away from their CEO husbands for the weekend.

But your parents would have never approved of that plan. So you went to law school instead. Which was fine. You make decent money without Duncan, but with him you’re somewhat of a young, hot power couple. You’re not really interested in policy the way his family is - you just like ingratiating yourself amongst these people with influence. You get off on brushing shoulders with the powerful. Parties don’t mean much to you. Everyone is truly an evil son of a bitch, no matter what they say when the cameras are on. No one cares about progress, not unless it’s self-serving.

The first time you met Claire, you thought you might die. She barely gave Duncan a second glance but you? She stood and chatted with you about your latest case your firm had taken - how she knew about it among all the other things on her mind, you don’t know - but it was a pleasant conversation, all things considered. You know her and Annette used to be close. You wonder how much Claire does know about you.

You know you can’t trust her. At all.

But after that incident, Duncan grinned and shook his head. “Wouldn’t want to give credence to those rumors. She might have it out for you.”

“Rumors?” You asked, panicking already. Did he know?

“That Claire is a lesbian. It’s been floating around some circles, that that’s why she wasn’t truly upset at her husband’s death, that that’s why she’s pushing so hard for female rights. It’s interesting. It is the first time I met her, but having done so it wouldn’t entirely surprise me.”

You can tell. That woman probably isn’t a lesbian, or if she is, she’s very good at utilizing her charm to make it seem as though she’s not. If anything, you’d peg her as asexual. She uses sex as a weapon. Fair enough. You’ve seen even weaker women feel the need to use it.

You wonder if she’s ever had sex purely for herself and not for manipulation purposes.

You wonder if she could even do that. You reckon you don’t really care if you found out the hard way.

It’s a few weeks later that you receive a message stating the President required your audience. And you know you should tell Annette, or Duncan at the very least, but you don’t. You know you shouldn’t show up at all. But Annette said to keep your dalliances secret. So secret they will stay.

“How loyal are you to the Shepherds?” Claire asks when you arrive. Straight to the point. Good.

“As loyal as I have to appear,” you tell her.

Claire smiles a little. “Why did you marry Duncan? He doesn’t seem quite your type.”

“And what do you presume my type is?”

“Perhaps more feminine. Older.”

“Mm. And what is your type, Ms President?”

“Why did you marry him? Did Annette threaten to out you?” she repeats.

“Not in so many words,” you say.

“Hmm. Interesting. He has no idea, I presume?”

“Why did you call me here?” you ask, your anxiety getting the better of you.

“I need information on the Shepherds. And I believe I have something you’d want in return.”

Your head starts spinning, but no, spinning is an understatement. It’s fucking doing somersaults. You cannot believe what she’s proposing.

“You want to prostitute yourself to me for information?”

And Claire does the last thing you ever expected the bitch to do. She walks across the room and slaps you across the face. Hard enough to sting, but not as hard as you bet she could. You feel the cold metal of her wedding ring press against your cheek as she grabs your chin, her cold blue eyes piercing through to your soul. “Don’t you dare fucking accuse the president of the United States of debasement, and don’t ever assume you have the upper hand.”

“Claire—“

“Are we on first name basis, slut?” she asks, her hand slithering down to your throat. Holy shit, you think. This bitch might actually fucking kill me. You think you’d care more if this wasn’t possibly the hottest thing that ever happened to you. “I didn’t think so. Now. What are your loyalties? Who are you closest to?”

“Duncan, obviously. Annette lets her guard down around me because she likes that I think she’s hot, but she still doesn’t like me. Bill and I don’t get along.”

“Interesting. How much does Duncan know?”

“I know more than Duncan.”

“Really, now? Are you just saying that? Because if you don’t prove to be useful...”

“What? You’ll kill me?”

Claire laughs. “No, you’re much more fun to me alive. But tell me… do you know where Duncan came from?”

“I mean, I truly don’t know how Annette’s cunt could birth anything, given how much of a bitch she is, but…”

Claire smiles. “Yes. Much more fun alive. Duncan is not her child.”

“Well, that’s a relief I don’t have any chance of keeping the Shepherd bloodline alive,” you snicker. “Where did he come from, then?”

“I’ll tell you… in time. But you have to tell him, too. In front of Annette and Bill. I want them all to know.”

“They’ll skin me alive if they knew I was here.”

“Do you want to fuck me or not? These are my terms.”

“So that is why I’m here?”

She only smirks at you, the wrinkles around her blue eyes crinkling as she does. “Your attraction to me is far more interesting than... well, men are pigs, right? I’m sure you are well aware. But you, you look at me like you want to fuck me, sure, but you also know your place. You respect me, even if you try to talk back. Men don’t know any better.”

“Have you ever slept with a woman before?”

She only smiles. “Does it matter?”

“Just wanted to know if there was credence to the rumors.”

“Rumors? You’re quite bold. I’m the one with my hand...wrapped around your throat.”

“It’d be pretty messy for you if you killed me right now,” you retort, wincing and rubbing your legs together as she increases the pressure on your neck.

“You’ll learn not to talk back, whore. To think you’re a married woman...”

“Yeah? Did you hold your marriage sacrosanct?”

There’s that smile again. She’s beautiful, ethereal, but there’s something so inhumane about the way her lips move upward to smirk at you. Maybe you should learn to shut your mouth, but you always were a brat. Besides, it’s more fun this way.

“I did.”

“Liar,” you accuse, smirking at her as you do, and she lets go of your throat and before you can miss the feeling too much she slaps your face again, the right cheek this time, much harder than the first time. You let out a startled, strangled moan on impulse, stumbling back a little against the wall.

“Oh, did that hurt?” she coos at you condescendingly, fixing a piece of your hair that fell out of place as you stand back up, pressing your back flat against the wall for stability. Claire crosses her arms and stands directly in front of you.

“I can take it. I can take more than that,” you say boldly.

“Oh? What else do you like, slut?”

“You name it, I’m game.”

“Anything? Handcuffs? Whips? Knives?”

You nod at everything she comes up with. Jesus, you would let this woman carve out your heart if she wanted it.

“If I make you bleed?”

“Better.”

“Interesting. Does Duncan play these little games with you?”

You laugh. “No.”

“You only want a woman to do these things to you?”

“Precisely. Are you kinky, Madam President?”

“Whatever my partner requires... I make certain I provide.”

“But what do you want?”

“I’m a hard woman to please.”

“Oh. Is that the kind way of saying Frank wasn’t good in bed?” you ask, feigning sympathy. She only smirks again. “I’m surprised you didn’t slap me for that. He must have really been awful.”

“You think you could do better?”

“Women do everything better,” you laugh, earning perhaps the only genuine smile you’ve gotten from this woman the whole time. “That’s why I wanted to know if you’ve been with a woman...”

“No. But I’ve thought about it. Never had a woman as interested as you.”

“I find that very hard to believe. Maybe you just never noticed. What gave it away?” You’re aching for her to touch you again, give you anything, even pain, but she stands still in front of you.

“I can just tell. Besides, I was interested to meet you. You’re the Shepherd’s weak link. I knew Annette didn’t vet you carefully enough.”

“Are you saying me being gay is an issue?”

“Are you so naive to think it wouldn’t be, given the state of this country?” she retorts. “But that’s not all. I can tell you don’t like them. I could tell you were easy... on more than one account.”

You roll your eyes. “I fucking hate Bill. I mean it’s awful to say, he’s not doing well physically, but he’s just made life a living hell for me.”

“Why?” she asks, tilting her head to the side.

“I don’t know. Maybe he hates gay people. Maybe he hates women. Both. Don’t know.”

“So everyone knows but Duncan? Funny how he’s kept out of all the good family secrets that concern him.”

You sigh. “See, sexuality’s a funny thing. I like Duncan. I do. And sometimes sex with him is good if not great. He’s a good partner. But I just prefer women.”

“Must be nice to have it figured out. Your generation did have it easier.”

You look at her questioningly. You never thought someone like her was human enough to struggle with such a thing, but perhaps that’s an unfair assessment.

Or she’s playing you.

Still. She’d have to be quite a good player - not that you should underestimate her skill - to talk about something as personal as her struggles with sexuality. Straight people just don’t get it. Would she really be this easily well versed if it was a game?

“There’s still a long ways to go,” you say.

“I intend to rectify that.”

“Of course you do.”

Her eyes narrow at you and she tilts her head. “Do you think I should be doing better?”

“Yeah. Come out, for starters.”

“Says the woman in a sham marriage.”

“It’s not a sham. I love Duncan,” you protest.

“Then why are you here, selling out his family just for a chance to fuck me? You’re not much better than I am.”

“I don’t think I’ve told you anything yet. Besides. It’s not his real family… as you say.”

“No. You haven’t told me anything I didn’t already know. But I haven’t fucked you yet either, have I?”

“Touché.”

“Come over here,” she beckons, leaning against the desk and once again it strikes you where you are - the fucking Oval Office. Are you seriously going to have sex in the Oval Office? Conservatives would be disgusted by this (although it wouldn’t be the first time this office was defiled). “Don’t look so scared now. You can’t back out at this point.”

You nod, trying not to look as nervous as you feel and walk the few steps over to her, your legs inches from hers. God, you’re practically dying from the anticipation alone.

“Does Duncan ever tell you how beautiful you are?” She asks. You’re absolutely shellshocked. There’s no trace of sarcasm in her voice.

“Sometimes,” you murmur.

“Just like men to not appreciate what they have.”

“Mm. Frank didn’t appreciate you, Claire? Didn’t make you feel good? I would. If you were my wife I’d make you come every fucking day,” you say, and boldly you decide to punctuate that statement by pressing your lips to hers.

Mistake. Or maybe not, you don’t know.

Her hands tangle in your hair and you feel her stand up, press against you firmly before backing you into the desk, pushing you onto it until your back is flat on the wood, and she’s hovering over you, her lips ghosting yours.

“I’m a hard woman to please,” she reiterates and you realize she never fucking lost her breath while you feel like the wind was knocked out of you. “I’m ambivalent about attention in general. But look at you, whore. You crave it, don’t you? Just want someone to tell you that you’re a good girl... oh, look at you squeeze your thighs together. Are you wet for me, slut?”

“Why don’t you see for yourself?” You ask, spreading your legs slightly for her.

She shakes her head, her straight platinum locks shifting as she does so, brushing against your face. “See? You’re not a good girl. You’re a dirty filthy whore and you just don’t know when to shut that whore mouth or close your fucking legs.”

You stay silent - you’re not sure what to do now. Do you antagonize her, push her further, see if it will rile her up again? Or do you try and kiss her again?

Claire has other ideas. “Beg,” she hisses in your ear. “Get down on your knees and beg for me.”

—- and I am evil and ending it there! Plz let me know if I should continue this!

[reidgraygubler]

last christmas (spencer reid/reader)

Title:  Last Christmas

Requested: no

Couple: spencer reid/gen-neutral!reader 

Category: mostly fluff, but some angst

Content Warning: cheating, swearing, christmas (tagging bc i know some ppl don’t celebrate and could be a trigger), pregnancy, engagements, verbal arguments, kissing/making out, swearing, post prison/post series (minor spoilers, but idk)

Word Count: 7,864

Summary: last christmas: reader gets proposed to on christmas night. The very next day, they find out their fiance is cheating on them. So they go spend the night with their best friend, Spencer Reid. this year: Reader gets proposed to by someone special.

A/N: being forced to listen to christmas music for 3-6 hours at work can really do something to someone. And that’s either murder or writing a cute one-shot… so I went with the latter… bc that’s so much easier than murder. and, this was hardly edited.... sorry for any grammatical errors... Anyways, happy holidays, thank you all for the love and support! Check out my masterlist! {***}{***}{***}

Last Christmas:

It’s the most wonderful time of the year, as the song would say. The lights on the trees and houses around were beautiful. The downtown was always decked out with bizarre lights and statues, as well as people in full 18th-century garb. Loved ones gathering to celebrate the holidays with their friends and family. 

I didn’t know anyone who loved Christmas more than myself. Everyone who knew me, knew that Christmas was my favorite holiday. I tried my hardest to live my best stereotypical Christmas movie life. I’m pretty sure my boyfriend hated it… So, I guess it’s a good thing that all my friends and co-workers loved it. 

“I don’t exactly understand why we have to go to this party,” Jasper looked down at me with a mild annoyance. I smiled before knocking firm on the door. A quick glance at him told him to be quiet. 

“We went to your work party, so it’s only fair we go to mine,” I looked back at the door. A moment later, the door flew open and there stood David Rossi with his wife, Krystall, beside him. “David, Krystall,” I smiled as I pulled my hand from Jasper to hug the couple. “Merry Christmas,” I hummed happily once we parted. I turned to Jasper and took the bottle of wine to give to them.

“And to you. Please, come in. Reid, Penelope, and Emily are all here.” David graciously took the wine from me and invited us in. I grasped Jasper’s hand once again and pulled him inside. 

“Do you need help with anything?” I looked towards David as I took my jacket off. Krystall took it and brought it to a spare room, where I would assume all the other jackets were kept. 

“We’re almost done. Just get yourself a drink and relax,” he smiled and hugged me one last time. I looked up at Jasper and led him to the living room where Spencer, Penelope, and Emily were. I only knew they were there because I could hear their laughter and lively conversations. 

“C’mon, we don’t have to stay for too long,” I looked up at him with a smile. He nodded before pecking my lips, “I promise,” I smiled as I stared at him. 

“Yeah, okay,” he nodded as he glanced at my friends, “I’m gonna run to the bathroom real quick, I’ll be right back,” he whispered before pressing a kiss to my lips. I smiled and watched as he walked away. Once he was around the corner, I walked over to the living room.

“Hey you,” Emily looked up at me as I sat next to Spencer, “How are you?” she smiled. I looked at Spencer and smiled.

“I’m good. Jasper’s nieces and nephews woke us up at like 5 in the morning… And we were up late wrapping their presents,” I laughed and shook my head, “But it was exciting watching them rip through everything,” I added and nodded.

“Sounds Henry and Michael,” Spencer dryly laughed as he looked over at me. 

“Or was it because they got to see their Uncle Spencer?” I asked, raising an eyebrow. Spencer looked away from me and smiled, a small blush rising on his cheeks. “I’d get that excited too if I saw you first thing in the morning,” I smiled. 

“Could you be any cuter, I swear,” Penelope looked between Spencer and I. I looked at her and raised an eyebrow.

“And on that note, I’m going to the bathroom real quick,” Spencer looked at me before standing up.

“Oh, Jasper’s in there right now, so it could be a minute,” I looked up at him as he started to walk away. “Or you could find one of the other many bathrooms Rossi has,” I smiled at him.

“Yeah, yeah,” Spencer waved me off before he walked away. I watched as he walked around the corner, leaving it to be just me, Emily, and Penelope.

“How was your guys’ morning?” I looked back at them with a smile. Emily looked at Penelope before looking at me. The smile she wore made me feel warm and fuzzy inside.

“It was good. It was pretty lazy. Just Andrew and I,” Emily nodded before taking a sip of her wine. I nodded and watched her sip. “He said he’d be joining us, but he’ll be a little late,” she added once she put her glass down. 

“Oh good! I’d love to see good ole Mendoza,” I laughed. Emily looked at me and raised an eyebrow. “What? Andrew is a great guy,” I shrugged.

“Well, I had a great Christmas! I got to see my Chocolate Thunder and his spawn and Queen,” Penelope cut in before either of us could further a comment. 

“How is Morgan? I wish I got to see him more,” I frowned as I looked over at Penelope. Jasper stepped back in, and Spencer was right in tow. Spencer returned to his seat beside me and Jasper on the other side. There was a certain tension in the room now that those two stepped in.  I knew those two always butted heads, but they tried to get along for me. But at the same time, I hated when they were around each other. There was always something for them to fight about. And, most of the time it was nothing.

“Uh, well,” Penelope started after a moment of very awkward silence. I looked at her and swallowed the lump in my throat. “Derek’s great! Hank’s great! I swear I could just eat him up,” her voice was high pitched as she lifted her hands like she was pinching an imaginary person’s cheeks.

“Derek or Hank?” Emily looked at Penelope with a raised eyebrow. I wanted to listen into the conversation. But it was so hard when I had two bags of testosterone sitting beside me. 

“Are you okay,” I looked over at Jasper and whispered. He tensed as I grasped his hand. He looked at me and smiled lightly. 

“Yeah, yeah, work called,” he nodded and looked down at me. I furrowed my eyebrows before pouting. I furrowed my eyebrows before pouting. I could hear Spencer’s scowl from behind me. I wanted to turn back and tell him off, but I refrained.

“But it’s Christmas,” I whispered. 

“Don’t worry. It was an easy fix, over the phone,” he smiled before pecking my lips.

After several minutes of banter with everyone, Jennifer and Will, Matt and Kristy, and Luke arrived, all with various bags or boxes. I instantly got up to help someone or everyone, or anyone who wanted my help (and that happened to be Luke). 

“Merry Christmas,” Jennifer smiled as she embraced me. I squeezed her tight before muttering the words back to her. She looked at me and raised an eyebrow, a little bit of concern in her eyes. “Did you have a good day,”

“Of course I did,” I smiled as I looked at her. I sighed deeply before looking over my shoulder at Spencer and Jasper. They were talking to each other and I honestly couldn’t tell if the conversation was a good conversation or not. I was just worried that Jasper and I would be leaving early and having an argument on the way home. 

“Your boys fighting?” Jennifer asked as she followed my gaze to the two men. 

“Honestly, with those two? I never know. I just wish for Christmas they wouldn’t fight,” I rolled my eyes. Jennifer laughed lightly as she looked back at me. 

“I’m sure they’ll get along, someday,” she reassured. I looked back at her, dropping my shoulders. “And, for now, don’t worry about it,” she hummed once she saw my disappointment.

“Anyways, Penelope saw Chocolate Thunder for Christmas,” I looked over at Penelope and smiled. She looked back at me with a childlike excitement once I talked about her forbidden love. 

“Oh? Really? I would love to hear more about that trip,” Jennifer looked over at the people sitting in the living room. I smiled as I watched Penelope recount her trip to the others. 

“Wine,” David appeared beside me with a glass of wine. I smiled before graciously taking it from him.

{***}{***}{***}

I was happy to see that Jasper seemed to join in on the conversations with everyone, instead of sitting and wallowing in whatever emotion he was in. But I knew something was going on, because I could feel a certain annoyance or nervousness coming from him. Being on a team with a bunch of FBI profilers really helps to tell when something is wrong. 

I smiled at Spencer and Jennifer before silently excusing myself to sit beside Jasper. Even though I couldn’t see him, I could feel Spencer’s eyes watching me. No matter what the situation was, he was always protective of me. He was my best friend, so I shouldn’t be too worried. He was more protective over me when it came to Jasper, too. He hated Jasper.

“Is everything okay,” I asked as I sat beside him on the couch. He turned to face me more and grasped both my hands. A certain worry was in his eye, which made me worry. “Is everything okay,” I looked at him, trying to push away all my anxieties. 

“I just wasn’t sure if I would get the chance to ask you a question,” his voice was low. I furrowed my eyebrows as he pulled his hands from mine. I watched as he stood up in front of me. He cleared his throat, getting the attention of everyone else in the room. The room went silent as everyone turned to look at Jasper and I (but mostly Jasper). “Can I have everyone’s attention for just a moment,” he spoked, shoving his hands in his pockets. 

Once he was certain he had the floor and everyone’s attention, more specifically mine, he looked back at me. He had a certain gleam in his eye that made me feel happy, and the exact opposite of nervous and worried. 

“You’re the only person I’ve ever loved. There is no one I would rather spend my entire life with than you,” his words were smooth like butter and he was as relaxed as ever. He slowly lowered to the ground, kneeling on one knee. I brought my hands to my lips as I gasped. The girls around me were instantly squealing from excitement and the guys were stunned into silence. Spencer just glared from his seat across the room. “Will you marry me?” Jasper asked as he pulled his hand from his pocket. A black velvet box was in his hands, and inside was a diamond ring. I widened my eyes and felt the breath escape my lungs. 

The room fell silent with his proposal. Everyone’s eyes fell on us, and I could feel the cold and mildly judgemental stare from Spencer. Of course, I wanted to say yes. I loved Jasper. And, no one could make me feel otherwise. 

“Of course I’ll marry you, you fool,” I smiled at him as slid to the edge of the couch. A series of applause came from everyone as Jasper slid the ring on my finger. I rested my hands on his cheeks before pulling him into a kiss. 

“Well, I think it’s time to pop open a bottle of champagne,” David spoke in a cheery tone before standing. I looked up at him with a smile and watched as he walked towards the kitchen. I looked back at Jasper before kissing him once again. 

“I’m going to see if he needs any help,” Spencer spoke cooly before leaving. I looked at him, watching as he left. I looked over at Jennifer with a raised eyebrow, silently asking her to go see what’s wrong. She nodded before chasing after Spencer. 

{***}{***}{***}

“Again, congratulations,” Krystall smiled as she hugged me. I returned the hug. As I pulled away, she grasped my hand. “Merry Christmas,” she looked up at me. I smiled before turning to David.

“Thank you guys so much. I’ll see you on Monday,” I looked at the couple again before turning to leave. Jasper had already gone out to the care to start it, seeing as it was very cold out. 

“I’ll walk you out,” Spencer spoke up from behind David and Krystall. I looked past the couple at Spencer. He was already wearing his jacket and scarf. He wanted to leave the second Jasper proposed. 

“Yeah, of course,” I smiled and nodded. Spencer gave his pardons to David and Krystall before we finally stepped outside. 

“Did you have a good Christmas, Spence,” I looked up at him as we walked down the sidewalk. He kept his eyes low on the ground as we walked, and the silence he gave me was nearly deafening. I glanced at him, half worried because he’s never ever this quiet. Even when a sour police officer was getting annoyed or fed up with him, he wouldn’t even shut up. 

“Yeah, yeah, spent it with my mom and JJ’s family,” he nodded as he kept his eyes low. I smiled and nodded. “What about you,” he finally looked over at me.

“Yeah, yep… Spent it with Jasper and his family and friends,” I nodded as I shoved my hands into my pocket. 

“Not yours?” Spencer stopped walking. He grabbed my wrist, causing me to stop. I turned around and looked up at him. “I mean, it’s not very fair that he forced you to spend the holidays with his friends and family, and he looked like he wanted to jump off a bridge the whole time you were here… And you weren’t even here that long,”

“Spencer!” I looked up at him as I exclaimed. I stared at him with wide eyes. “What the hell is going on with you?” I dropped my shoulders as I looked at him.

“I’m just speaking the truth,” Spencer shrugged before he put his hands in his pockets. I shook my head and let out a laugh of disbelief.

“I gotta go,” I shook my head before turning to leave. I could hear Spencer muttering something to himself as I turned, and I just knew he had more to say.

“He doesn’t even love you!” Spencer shouted as I walked towards the car. I froze, staring at the window and Jasper sitting inside. I’m sure he could hear my argument with my best friend.  My heart was in my throat and I could feel myself starting to get sick. My head started to get a little woozy. “I’ve seen the way he’s looked at you and talked to you! And, he doesn’t…”

“Spencer,” I turned around to look at him, feeling the irritation growing in my head and my heart. He was looking at me, face filled with fury. The expression on his face told me he was telling the truth, but also Spencer would never lie to me. 

His eyes grew watery as he stared at me, and I knew the next thing he would say would probably break my heart. He was already telling the truth, a truth that I didn’t want to believe. 

“Please don’t marry him,” his voice lowered as he spoke. And I swear I heard it crack. I swallowed roughly as I looked at him. “He was constantly talking to someone tonight, texting someone. I heard him on the phone with someone when I left the bathroom, and I know it wasn’t work,”

“Stop,” I looked at him, trying to get him to stop talking before he said anything more that would embarrass the both of us. “Goodnight, Spencer. I’ll see you Monday,” I nodded at him before slipping into the car.

“Ready?” Jasper asked, looking over at me as he grasped my hand. I looked over at him with a smile before nodding.

“Yeah,” I whispered before looking back out the window at Spencer. He was still standing on the sidewalk, staring at me. He wore a very hurt expression on his face, and I swear a tear was rolling down his cheek. And before anything could happen, Jasper started the car and pulled away from David’s house and my best friend.

{***}{***}{***}

“Have a nice day,” I looked up at Jasper as he slipped from the bed. He pressed his lips to my forehead, wishing me a good day, before leaving to get ready for the day. I was only asleep for a few minutes before my alarm went off, forcing me to get out of bed and get on with my day. And, although I still had a few more days left of no work, I still had my plate full of errands and chores. 

Once my day finally started, I made way towards the dry cleaners. I had to pick up a couple of my blouses and a few slacks. Work had wrinkled and nearly ruined a few of my clothes, and the only place that could fix them was the dry cleaners. After the dry cleaners, I had to get a few groceries, seeing as all we had was some leftovers from Jasper’s parents’ place.

My phone started ringing, almost shocking me because I wasn’t expecting anyone to call me today. But I was more relieved when I saw that it was Jennifer calling. 

“Hey, have you talked to Spence?” Jennifer asked as I pressed my phone between my head and shoulder. I furrowed my eyebrows as I readjusted the grip on the bags in hand. 

“No, not since last night. We kind of had an argument before I left,” I muttered as I grabbed my phone. The memories of the argument with Spencer came back, and I tried my hardest not to recount them. I looked up at the sidewalk and people ahead of me and saw Jasper. He wasn’t alone though. Another woman was in his arms.

“Are you even listening to me?” Jennifer spoke, her tone mildly annoyed that I wasn’t answering any of her questions or acknowledging anything she was saying. 

“I’m… I gotta go. I’m sorry,” I muttered before hanging up and shoving my phone in my pocket. I looked at Jasper and the woman and watched as he deeply kissed her. 

I took a deep shaky breath before rushing back to my car. I didn’t even care about my fresh dry cleaning as I shoved it into the back. Tears were slowly rolling down my cheeks, and I wasn’t sure if there was a way I could stop them.

Not wanting to go home, the place that I would be reminded of him, I drove around, trying to figure where to go. Until I found myself standing outside Spencer’s apartment. I wasn’t exactly sure if I had knocked until the door swung open and Spencer was standing in front of me.

“Wh-what are you-Wait, is everything okay?” he asked, reaching a hand out to grasp my arm. I swallowed roughly and allowed him to hold my arm, and then my hand.

"I'm sorry… I didn't know where else to go. I didn’t want to go home because he’s there. And I just didn’t want to be around him,” I looked at Spencer with moisture in my eyes. He looked back at me with confusion settling on his face as he stared. 

“What… What happened? What’s wrong?” He asked as he stepped out of his apartment and rested his hands on my shoulders. I looked up at him before allowing myself to fully break down. Spencer widened his eyes before pulling me into a hug. I pressed my face into his chest and sobbed.

“He cheated on me!” I exclaimed after a moment of crying. Spencer backed away from me to get a better look at me. “I was out doing errands… And I saw him…” I took a deep breath and wiped my eyes. Spencer looked at me as he slowly realized what I had said. I could tell he didn’t really know what to do, so he just hugged me again before pulling me inside. 

“Sit, I’ll get you… I’ll get you tea. You like tea.” Spencer looked at me as he sat me on the couch. I looked up at him before wiping my cheeks. “Yeah, I’ll make you tea,” he nodded before leaving me alone in the living room. I looked towards the direction of his kitchen, listening to the clatter he was making. I could hear him talking to himself, saying stuff about Jasper, and me, and work, and the party last night, and our argument last night. I definitely shouldn’t be hearing him saying these things. It was an obvious thing that should be said to me another time. 

“Can I stay here for the night?” I looked up at Spencer as he reentered the living room with a mug of hot water and teabag. He looked at me as he sat beside me. I graciously took the mug from him and put the teabag in it. 

“Of course. You didn’t even have to ask,” Spencer looked at me as he grabbed a throw blanket. I sighed deeply as he placed it over my shoulders. “You can stay for as long as you need,” he looked at me as he furrowed his eyebrows. 

“Thanks, Spence,” I looked down at the tea and shrugged, “I don’t know what I’m going to do. All my stuff is over there.” I wiped my eyes again. Tears just wouldn’t stop rolling down my cheeks, I was starting to feel a little ridiculous. 

“Luke, Matt, and I will go over and bring it here. And you can stay for as long as you want," he insisted. I swallowed roughly before wiping my eyes. I looked up at him, trying to smile but it was rather unconvincing for the both of us. “You know that my place is your place,” he added and returned a genuine smile. His smile made me feel a little bit better and turned my unconvincing smile into something more convincing.

“Thank you, Spencer,” I whispered as I looked down at the cup of tea. The steam coming off it was rather soothing. “I don’t know how I didn’t see it! God. I’m so stupid! I’m sorry I didn’t believe you,” I looked at him, my statement sounding stupid. 

“Hey, hey, it’s okay,” he whispered a hand and wiped my cheeks. I could sense that he wanted to say more, because he always as more to say, especially when it’s about proving someone wrong. So, when he stopped at ‘It’s okay’ I was a little confused. “You didn’t want to believe something that should be false. I understand that,” he folded his hands in his lap. 

“I just don’t know what I’m going to do,” I looked down at the engagement ring on my finger. I wrinkled my nose before taking it off and chucking it at the coffee table. The ring dinged as it bounced on the hard surface. I muttered a few profanities as I stared at the ring. Spencer looked at me with a raised brow. “I guess that means you’re getting what you wanted… I’m not going to marry him,” I dryly laughed as I looked up at him. 

“I didn’t want it like that,” Spencer whispered as he looked back at me. I looked up at him and frowned. “I was being selfish,” he whispered, mostly to himself. I raised an eyebrow before looking down at the ring. 

“You’re allowed to be selfish, Spencer,” I mumbled before looking back at him.

“You’re right. But I want to be selfish for the right reasons,” he looked back at me. I swallowed roughly and shook my head. “He doesn't deserve you. And you don't deserve to have your heart broken by some guy,” Spencer muttered. I raised an eyebrow. “We don’t have to talk about it now, though, when you’re ready,” he assured. 

I didn’t really want to press why he wanted to wait till I was ready. I was honestly always ready to talk to him, no matter what it was. So, I guess we’ll have to wait till he was good and ready.  Even if that meant a very long time.

{***}{***}{***}

New Year’s Eve:

New Year’s Eve was especially difficult. Usually, I love it, just like Christmas. But this time… This time was different. I supposed being cheated on during such a big holiday can do that to you. My spirit for any exciting holiday was simply diminished and gone now. 

So, that’s why I was sitting at the kitchen counter in Rossi’s house with my third glass of wine. I was really trying not to wallow in self-pity. But it was so easy when my excitement for the new year was just… gone. The others seemed okay with my sadness. Although, Spencer was the most concerned than anyone else. Everyone was off in the living room, laughing in their conversations. I just wanted to be alone for a moment.

“Hey,” Spencer looked at me as he sat beside me at the counter. I looked up from my drink and at him. A lazy and drunk smile grew on my lips as I looked at him. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m doing great, Spence,” I looked at him as I stood up. He raised an eyebrow as I stumbled a bit. He grasped my arm to steady me a bit. “I’m gonna go outside. I need some fresh air. You stay here,” I patted his chest before leaving.

Spencer allowed me to go outside alone, I was half expecting him to follow me. So, I was happy when I took a seat outside. The air was a little bit chilly and nippy, which was mildly sobering. I kinda wished I had another drink with me.

I heard the back door open and then slam shut, causing me to turn around and look. Spencer was walking towards me with a blanket over his arm. It was only a few minutes since I came out here, he can’t have missed me that much.

“Here, it’s cold,” he offered me the blanket as he sat on the other outdoor chair. I took it and wrapped it around my shoulders like a cape. We sat in an uncomfortable, unnerving silence. I just wished he would say something so we wouldn’t be in the quiet.

“I just needed a few minutes alone. Everyone inside is just a little bit too loud for me,” I shrugged as I looked at the space between us. Spencer’s hum was unconvincing, but I’m sure my excuse was just as unconvincing too. “They’re too happy and I’m, well, not,” I looked up at him.

“I understand,” Spencer nodded, like he knew how I felt. I stared at him, only a little bit annoyed that he said that he understood. “Do you want to talk about it?” 

“Spencer, I’ve been living with you for the last week, you already know how I feel,” I looked up at him. The previous few nights I was up most of the night sobbing, mostly because I was heartbroken. It was bad and a little embarrassing because Spencer was the one who took care of me. “Thank you, for that… I do appreciate it,”

“You’re my best friend,” he whispered as he looked at me. A friendly smile grew on his lips as our eyes locked. “I care about you. And, I’d do anything to keep you safe,”

I didn’t really have anything to say, because I knew he meant it. He knew I felt the same way about him. There was a reason why I went to his home instead of Jennifer’s, or Emily’s… And, that reason was because he cared about me and he was my best friend. 

I scooched the chair closer to him and threw the blanket over his other shoulder. He looked over at me with a smile and his hair flopped in front of his eyes. I smiled as I brushed the hair away from his face. 

We fell back into our comfortable silence. My head was rested on his shoulder as his fingers slowly entwined with mine. I don’t think I was supposed to notice him holding my hand, but I did. 

“Can I ask something from you, Spence,” I asked, lifting my head from his shoulder. He looked at me with furrowed eyebrows, like he wasn’t sure if my question was a trick or not.

“Of course,” he nodded and looked at me. I turned to face him more, looking up at his face.

“Kiss me,” I whispered softly. My eyes flicked between his eyes and lips, and it was taking everything within me to not just kiss him. I could easily blame the copious amounts of alcohol I consumed earlier in the evening. Or I could blame the true and exact feelings I had towards Spencer. If I could, I’d wrap them up in a box with a bow and give it to him with a note tag that simply said ‘I love you’, but I wouldn’t. I won’t tell him the real reason why I want him to kiss me. It’s only been a week since my doomed relationship ended. I couldn’t tell him, yet. So I told him a lie. “I’m drunk and heartbroken, Spencer, please just kiss me,” I whispered as I lifted my hand to his tie. 

“I, uh, I... “ Spencer mumbled as he glanced towards the house. I knew no one was watching what I was doing out here, and I knew they wouldn’t care about what Spencer was doing. They were all too busy playing various drinking games and too involved with themselves to care. “Is that a good idea? I’m not so sure that’s a good idea,” he muttered as he moved closer to me. And it wasn’t because I was tugging his tie.

“I think it is… I think it’s the greatest idea ever… Why else would I be asking?” I looked up at his eyes before smiling. I dropped my hand from his tie and noted that he wasn’t moving away from me. “Tell me, Spence, would I be a fool if you kissed me?” I looked into his eyes. My reflection was noticeable in his irises and it made me smile knowing I was that close to him.  

“You’d never be a fool,” Spencer whispered, his breath tickling the space above my lips. I smiled and nodded.

“I don’t know about you, but I was pretty foolish last week,” I dryly laughed. Spencer furrowed his eyebrows before shaking his head. “Please, kiss me,” I quietly begged. 

He placed his hands on my cheeks before pressing his lips to mine. I hummed happily as we kissed. I could barely keep myself up and myself breathing as he gently worked his lips against mine. My heart was beating in my chest, but at the same time, it was fluttering. He was so gentle and soft, like if he went any harder he’d break me. But, I’m already broken. The butterflies I was feeling in my stomach grew and caused a heat to work its way up my cheeks. But it wasn’t just a kiss. It never is just a kiss with people. And, Spencer is more than just a person. A kiss with Jasper just felt like eh, it left me feeling nothing. But a kiss with Spencer left me wanting more. I wanted more of my life with him. It was in the few mere moments we were kissing that I realized I really did love him. 

Spencer was the first to move away from me, but only a few inches. Our noses were still touching and our foreheads were still pressed together. I licked my lips and smiled softly.

“That was…” I opened my eyes and looked at him. The smile on my lips grew wider as I looked at him. His eyes scanned my face, looking for any sort of worry or fear I might have had. But I had none. “Amazing,” I whispered as I dropped my shoulders. Spencer visibly relaxed as I finished talking.

“Good,” he laughed softly as he looked back at me. 

“Best kiss I’ve ever had,” I whispered with a smile. Spencer returned the smiles he looked at me. “I know you’d fool me if you kissed me again,” I murmured against his lips. Spencer smiled before pressing his lips back to mine. I hummed as I wrapped my arms around his neck to hold him as close as possible. I didn’t want to move from my spot, and I knew Spencer didn’t want to move either. “I’d be okay if you did it again,”

“I love you,” Spencer muttered into my mouth, causing me to freeze in my spot. I kept my eyes closed because I wasn’t sure if I wanted to look at him. “Oh fuck, I shouldn’t have opened my mouth,” he groaned before tilting his head back away from me. I quickly opened my eyes and looked for his face. “Now I’m the fool,” he murmured against my lips. He was clearly embarrassed because I didn’t say anything back. I was mostly shocked because I wasn’t expecting it.

“Don’t say that,” I whispered, bringing my hands to rest gently on his cheeks. He looked at me with furrowed brows, like I was the one who was wrong about our words. “I love you too,” I smiled softly at him. Spencer looked at me, like I was suddenly a light in the darkness. And, I really liked the way it felt when he looked at me like that. “Like, I wished I realized it sooner… And, before I met, you know,” I muttered as I talked about the man who broke my heart a week ago. A look flashed in Spencer’s eyes at the mention of his, I suppose, enemy. I knew he wanted to kill the man. “I’m happy I did realize it though,” I smiled as I looked at him.

“I am too,” he finally said something after a moment of silence. The smile on his lips and in his eyes, and all the previous anger and hatred melted away. “I wish I could have told you sooner,” 

“You told me at a perfect time, Spencer,” I whispered before kissing him again. I nearly fell back in a fit of laughter as he tried deepening the kiss, but I was happy he kept me steady. 

“Don’t worry, I got you now,” he whispered as he held me close.

{***}{***}{***}

This Christmas:

You would have thought that I was going to hate Christmas this year. I mean, considering what happened last year? He basically ruined my week and the whole holiday for me. But it got better, thanks to Spencer. 

I looked up at Spencer as I wrapped my arms around his and rested my head on his shoulder. He looked back down at me with a smile before knocking on the door. 

“I hope everyone had a good Christmas,” I whispered as I looked at the wreath on David’s door. Krystall must be happy about her decor this year.

“Well, this is the first year neither of us really spent it with anyone else from the team,” Spencer replied as he brought his other hand to rest on my arm. I smiled before nuzzling my head more into his shoulder. “Well, This would be the first year I didn’t spend with JJ and Will,” he spoke again, changing his answer.

“Next year,” I smiled softly as I looked up at him, “Who knows, maybe next year we’ll have our own family,” I smiled smugly. Spencer laughed and shook his head, but the happy gleam in his eyes told me otherwise. Of course he wouldn’t actually verbalize that he wants kids, it’s just been known for years that he wanted them. 

“Maybe,” he looked down at me and winked. I rolled my eyes and shook my head lightly. My words were cut off by the front door swinging open. Krystall was standing by the door with a wide smile on her lips. She looked pretty happy to see Spencer and I.

“Merry Christmas, you two,” she smiled as she stepped to the side to allow us in, “Did you have a good morning?” she looked at us as we walked in.

“Wonderful,” I smiled as I looked up at Spencer and smiled. He returned the smile as he unbuttoned his jacket. Of course, we wouldn’t exactly talk about what we did this morning, I’ll just say it was a little NSFW to share with people you work with. And, somethings gotta stay between Spencer and I. 

“Is anyone else here?” I looked back at Krystall as I slipped my own jacket off. I don’t really know why I asked if anyone else was here… Spencer and I were the last ones to show up...

“You’re the last ones to arrive,” she smiled at us, “Jennifer and Will brought their boys,” she spoke as childish laughter filled the moment of silence after her words. 

“Oh! We were just talking about we didn’t see them this morning,” I looked up at Spencer as I moved closer to him. He carefully wrapped an arm around my waist, holding me closer to him. “I can’t wait to see them,” I smiled as I looked at Spencer. He returned the look with a loving look in his eye. 

“Well, I know you two know your way around the house, everyone is in the living room. If you need anything just let us know,” Krystall smiled at us before leaving to put our coats somewhere. Once she was out of our sight, I looked back up at Spencer.

“We should probably go see everyone,” I smiled as I looked towards the kitchen. Spencer gently placed a hand on my cheek, guiding my face to face his. “What,” I whispered as I looked up at him. 

“I love you,” he returned the whisper before pressing his lips to mine. I hummed as I melted into his kiss. His hand was firmly placed on my waist and he carefully pulled me closer to his body. 

“God, not in Rossi’s house,” a groan came from behind us. I pulled away from Spencer and looked over my shoulder. Emily was standing in the doorway, looking at us as she lifted her glass to her lips. 

“What, he was just hugging me,” I smiled at her. Spencer’s hands were still firmly on my me. And, it was very clear that he was not just hugging me. Judging by the expression on Emily’s face, she definitely saw more than she bargained for. 

“Sure you were,” she smiled at us, “Spence, David needs you in the kitchen,” she looked at Spencer before pushing herself off the wall and leaving. I pouted and looked up at him. 

“It’ll be just a minute. Save me a seat,” he whispered before quickly pecking my lips and swiftly leaving me in the foyar. More laughter came from the living room, causing me to smile. I instantly knew I wanted to join in the laughter and fun with the others, more specifically the two young boys.

When I stepped into the living room, everyone greeted me with a lot of excitement. It felt like they hadn’t seen me in months, but we just saw each other two days ago. 

“Hey, Merry Christmas,” I smiled as I looked at everyone. Michael and Henry ran up to me and wrapped their arms around my legs, “Hey you two,” I ruffled my hand in their hair. 

“Boys,” Jennifer called from her spot on the couch. I looked up at her and smiled as her two boys let go of me. I smiled before taking a seat at the armchair. “Where’s Spence? Did he come?” Jennifer asked as she watched me sit. Everyone had this weird sort of energy, like they knew something that I didn’t exactly know. I always hated when they did that. They knew that too. Granted, I’m not typically a person who likes surprises or secrets. 

“Yeah, he’s helping Dave with something in the kitchen,” I smiled as I looked at her. Michael ran up to me, holding a toy truck he got this morning. “Whoa! That’s such a cool truck, Michael! What else did you get?” I leaned and braced myself on my knees. He was very quiet as he told me what he got, but he was very enthusiastic about everything. When he finished telling me everything he got, he cautiously climbed onto the chair and sat beside me. 

“You were supposed to save me a seat,” a voice came from behind me. I looked behind me and saw Spencer, looking down at me with a wide smile. “I’ll just have to sit over here,” he faked a pout before going to sit on the other armchair.

“What can I say, the fellas love me,” I smiled as I watched him sit. As much as I loved sitting with Jennifer’s boys, I really wanted to sit with Spencer. Even from across the living room, he knew that too. 

As the night went on, food was eaten, drinks were drunk, presents were exchanged. I still had a 4 year old little boy attached at my hip, and there was no getting rid of him. Don’t get me wrong, I loved him… But, there were things that I wanted to do. Like sit with Spencer, and talk about things other than toys and little kid things… 

“Can we talk real quick?” Spencer asked as he squatted beside me and Michael. I looked at him and nodded, feeling my face falter slightly. I looked down at the boy on my knee, silently telling Spencer that my shadow probably won’t leave me alone. Spencer looked over his shoulder at Jennifer, silently telling her something. 

“Hey, Michael, c’mere,” Jennifer spoke to her child. Michael looked up at me before hugging me and leaving me alone. I looked back up at Spencer before standing up. 

“Privately?” I asked, raising an eyebrow. Spencer swallowed roughly and nodded before grasping my hand and bringing me outside. The door clicked shut behind us as we walked towards the sitting area. I was instantly hugging myself to keep myself somewhat warm, because it was cold and I wasn’t wearing my coat.

“I’ll be quick, I’m sorry,” he cringed, grasping both my hands to hold them. I furrowed my eyebrows as I warily looked at him. The anxiety that I was feeling was through the roof, and I knew he noticed it too. 

“Is everything okay,” I whispered as I looked at him. I was worried something was wrong. Why else would he want to talk to me alone? But, something couldn’t have been wrong, because he was smiling and laughing and looked happy.

“I just wanted to talk to you for a second... And without Michael by your side,” Spencer laughed as he looked back at me. I smiled as I looked up at him. “And I wanted to have a moment with you, alone,” he looked over my shoulder at the house. Something flashed in his eyes as he pulled one hand from me and put it in his pocket. “In fact… I wanted eternity with you,” he whispered as he looked at me. I dropped my shoulders as I slowly realized what he meant. “I know Christmas is your favorite, and last Christmas was ruined… But I wanted to make it mean something to you again…”

“Spen-”

“Will you marry me,” he whispered, pulling out a small grey box and opening it up. The ring was a plain silver band with a diamond embedded in the center. I looked at him and smiled. “I know it’s barely been a year… But,”

“I want to spend the rest of my life with you,” we both said it in unison. He looked up at me and smiled, his eyes a little bit moist. Mine were also welling up a little bit. 

“Of course I’ll marry you, Spencer,” I whispered looking at him with a smile. He returned the smile before sliding the ring on my finger. I placed my hands on his cheeks before pulling him into a kiss. Cheering and applause came from inside, causing me to laugh against his lips. I looked up at him and smiled. “I love you,” I whispered softly.

“I love you too,” Spencer smiled before kissing me again.

{***}{***}{***}

The following morning Spencer and I were downtown. We didn’t have much to do, so we explored downtown while the holiday decorations were still up. Spencer was actually taking me to an after Christmas movie thing at a black and white theater. Our quiet laughter and conversation made me feel happy. Our conversations were mostly filled with the excitement of our new engagement and future wedding.

That was until I was stopped abruptly as we walked into a familiar man and woman. I stared at him, feeling a certain sickness rise in my stomach. Spencer’s arm went back around me in a protective manner. My body went frigid as I stared at the man and the woman, so I was thankful for Spencer’s embrace.

“Jasper,” I spoke, almost breathlessly. I swallowed roughly as I stared at them. Jasper was quiet for a long time. I knew for a fact he was pretending to not know who I was. But he 100% knew who I was, and who Spencer was.

 "I almost didn't recognize you," he laughed as he looked at me. I started back and held back the scoff. "You look so different,"

“Well, it’s been a year, so it doesn’t surprise me,” I looked at him and then at his wife. His pregnant wife. I only knew they were married now because of the ring she was nonchalantly showing off to Spencer and I. I wouldn’t be surprised if she thought I was wallowing in pity for a full year. They’re probably both surprised by seeing me with Spencer, Jasper more than her. I bounced back from our spilt faster than he probably thought.

I ignored them and looked up at Spencer, who was staring at Jasper with such laser precision I swear he’d kill him. But, to be fair, Jasper was staring at Spencer with the same amount of hatred. I knew his wife was clearly uncomfortable with everything that was happening. I was uncomfortable. 

“Well, it was nice seeing you again,” Jasper looked at me with a smile that was faker than a Kardashian’s ass.

“We best be going now. Spencer and I have an appointment we can’t miss,” I spoke as he opened his mouth. It was obvious he wanted to have the first out, but we just spoke over each other. I looked up at Spencer before grasping his hand and pulling him past the couple. Not another word was spoken between us, and not another word will ever be spoken between us. But, that’s okay. I have all I could ever need or want.

I looked up at Spencer before looking back down at the ring on my finger. The ring that he placed there. This is a lot better than last Christmas, and I can’t wait for the rest of my Christmases to be with Spencer.

spencer taglist: @itsmyblogandillreblogifiwantto​

[iamanartichoke]

I need spoilers for episodes 5 and 6. They've got to be out there. I can't take two more weeks of this.

I think what's giving me this vaguely ill feeling, right now, is the sinking realization that there was no grander plan behind Loki's getting drunk, breaking the Timepad, just general kinda incompetent behavior. There were theories and there were hints and subtext and it amounted to nothing.

Cut for spoilers/negativity, sorry.

Basically I'm getting major "that opening scene in IW was just too full of holes, the-sun-will-shine-on-us-again, one little dagger, Loki has to have something up his sleeve - oh .... no, no he's really dead, there was no greater plan" flashbacks.

It's so incredibly frustrating for Loki's narrative to come so close to something profound, again and again, only to swing and miss at the last second. The pieces are there. The threads are there. And tptb keep choosing to just ... sit on them, bc idk, it's easier for Loki's complexity to remain unexplored?

Tom says that episodes 4 and 5 are where the series takes off and I'm just like, you can't wait until the second to last episodes to have something happen! You've been dropping breadcrumbs since episode 1 - episodes 4 and 5 are where you start to sweep them up! You've only got 6 total!

Also, I was really interpreting Loki having confused friendship with romance, bc that's what makes the most sense for his character but then there was this, and the aforementioned 'oh so this really is just surface-level material and I shouldn't even waste my time examining the subtext and context clues' feeling occurs. (Note - this article isn't overly flattering to Loki, bc of course it isn't, so just be aware of that before reading.)

So, yeah, it's just - it's not exactly the content of this episode that has me so upset. I can live with bad plots and dangling threads. Lord knows I tolerate other, arguably much more terrible tv shows for the sake of the parts I like (Reign, Once Upon a Time, a few seasons of Pretty Little Liars, just to name a few).

It's not the content. It's the refusal of tptb to take Loki's character to the depths he deserves, especially since they promised us that this series would really explore his identity and his gender and all of these things that the fandom mostly has wanted. It's frustration in the overall way the surface-level plot makes Loki's characterization suffer. And it's definitely the trigger of those feelings of heartbreak and fury and denial and grief that followed IW. I practically have ptsd from that death scene.

(I realize that these are hefty words to use to describe one's reaction to fiction, especially in the sense that an emotional downward spiral is being legitimately triggered by a tv show, but - look, everyone already knew I was cringe, okay, so leave me alone with my feelings.)

I think that if the show had more episodes, there would have been hope for it? Like all the breadcrumbs that have been dropped implied lots of fascinating things to be explored, but they just didn't have room to explore them as thoroughly as they'd need to in order for all of it to have an impact. Loki/Sylvie does not feel earned. Mobius turned on the TVA super quickly (so did B-15, for that matter). Ravonna went from kinda sus to outright villain in, like, ten minutes. And Loki and Mobius's friendship didn't exactly come out of nowhere, bc it was set up as the outcome from the first episode (in my opinion) but it did happen much too quickly. It wasn't earned, either. And the reason I'm harping on this is because these are all really good character journeys that could have been done so much better - yeah, even Loki/Sylvie - if they had just paced them better, used more of their own subtext, and had a few more episodes in which to develop the characters alongside the complicated plot.

(Yeah, there may be a season 2, but I'm not here for waiting a whole nother year or so for it to be filmed, produced, and released only for it to continue to ultimately not meet my expectations.)

So, yes. I'm sorry for the negativity; I realize I went from "hey I mostly liked this! It wasn't that bad!" to "I will ragequit and kill everyone in this story and then myself" in, like, a few hours but - well. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I'll most likely rewatch it again tonight. I may or may not cry it out and then do my best to enjoy the remaining two episodes for what they are, not for what they could or might be. Once the rawness of all of this fades, I'll focus on the things I liked and come up with my own headcanons, I suppose. Or maybe I'll overall change my mind again. Idk. Whatever. I just need a glass of wine and a few more xanax tbh. (Great. Now fiction is going to give me a drug problem as well lmfao.)

Also - it is actualy really, really funny that, if you think about it, it turns out that a fanfic by Tom isn't actually all that good. (I'm being facetious, but the general sentiment is true.) I'm sorry, Tom. I know you're excited about this and you said this episode was your favorite, so I hope you don't see some of these reactions (either here, or on twitter, or reddit, or wherever he may end up) and feel bad about yourself/your project. I guess there's just no universal cup of tea for everybody.

[rotshop]

DIVES IN HERE SO FAST FOR MADCOM MATCHUPZS

u shouldn't have now i gotta psychoanalyze you for everyone to see ://// /j

u gte a two for one deal bc ur epic swag and also a bestie <3333

[ no tws necessary ]

I match you w/ Deimos platonically ;

-I feel like you two would have sibling / cousins kinda dynamic. you both cause problems on purpose and bully eachother (jokingly) while doing it. I feel like there would b a lot of inside jokes between you two , you'll say some little word / phrase and he'll just double over in laughter while the others stare at you two in confusion

-BUT on a diff note i do think ur energy matches his rlly well, u can be pretty upbeat and lively but you can also be pretty chill which fits him, sometimes he wants to go do something dangerous and dumb with you and other times he just wants to sit and ramble with you endlessly about whatever seems to come to mind. 10/10 you both have Those kind of semi-deep conversations where you both just kinda bare parts of ur souls to each other n shit, its hard to describe but he always leaves feeling a little bit lighter / less shallow (if that makes sense)

-i hc him as actually being a pretty good listener so if you ever needed to talk / go off abt something he's able to just sit and nod along with you. offers his own little in puts here and there based off how ur kinda talkin abt it (ex. if you seem a little more lost / frantic he tries to offer advice but if ur more pissed off he gives little 'what a dick / shit, really?' comments here and there)

-idk he just likes hanging out w/ you, he's not great with telling you he appreciates you and he's not super sappy w/ his friends so he does it in other ways (usually going 'hey this made me think of you' or picking up things you wanted for you every now and then)

i match u w/ hank romantically ;

(-PROMMY IM NOT JUST SAYING THIS BC U LIKE HIM IM BEING /SRS ,,, )

-I feel like at first he might've been pretty neutral abt you, ur just kinda. there. but he starts warming up to you over time and gets really comfortable w/ you in ways he doesn't even notice until someone else points it out

-once again i feel like ur energy goes pretty well with his, he's not as lively as you but having someone like you in that sense w/ him does make him kinda . perk up a little if that makes sense?? on his own he tends to get frustrated and tired pretty easily, it only takes a few things going wrong for him to start getting snippy and pissed so your more optimistic / light approach to things kinda slows that down, like. something abt ur ability to just kinda roll w/ things as they come makes him feel a lot calmer in a weird way

-also you come across as a helpful person 2 me so i feel like he really appreciates any of that. whether its you helping him bring stuff in after a raid or bandaging some wound of his he cant reach / do himself or you cheering san or dei up he just kinda. stares a little. he finds himself thinking abt it a lot more than he normally would with others. (he doesn't say thanks very often but you can notice it in the quiet nod or murmur he gives you after you help him out)

-he's not a fan of talking about his problems (it makes him feel vulnerable and antsy so he prefers to keep it bottled up :[ ) but he tends to go to you if he's ever in a state where he just needs to chill out a little. usually doesn't speak very much but he'll just kinda. walk over and sit down next to you and watch whatever it is you're doing. you can usually tell because he'll only give little nods and grunts to any questions you give (i hc him as having moments where he doesn't have the energy to really talk) but he really enjoys just listening to you ramble or talk to him to get his mind off things

-also i refuse to believe you're THAT tall so he gives you his clothes (mainly his jacket) a lot, he just likes seeing them on you :) tends to kinda lean down and give you a kiss on the forehead / temple whenever he notices you're wearing them

-tldr he feels really comfortable and safe around you and he finds himself enjoying your prescence a lot more than he does w/ most people

-also i hope you like weird kind of vaguely threatening confessions bc he doesn't know how to properly convey his positive feelings very well. u know how i said something abt him holding flowers way too tightly (mostly bc he's nervous / lost on it) whenever he gifts em to you in some other post??? yeah he does that to you while confessing lmao

[bidisasterforzutara]

What Already Is

*Deep breath* ok...so I read this article quite a while ago and wanted to discuss my take on it but never found the time to (and mostly bc I’ve been afraid to do so) but I feel like now is the time, especially as zutara month nears its end

As everyone who follows me knows, this is a blog for zutara positivity and I try to spread this and search for it often. While there are some things I agree with in this article, I thought it was simply...too depressing for the most part and wanted to write a new take on it for anyone who’s willing to listen.

Keep in mind, this is my opinion, and you’re free to disagree and simply ignore this post if you do. But like pretty much all my posts, if this can spread even a little positivity and help even one person, that would make me extremely happy. So...here goes:

Firstly, I’d like to address that it’s ok to be disappointed at the ending. I myself cried. But then I stopped and thought: can’t we just ignore Kataang? Why should bryke have free reign in our minds? Is it so wrong so create our own canon in which zutara is happy together? Because being “gutted” after so many years is...very saddening to me. It’s just allowing bryke to win in my eyes. As if the original ending was the ONLY possible way Zuko and Katara can be happy together, when this simply isn’t true. And the “painters” who DO in fact finish the “second eye” are the fan artists, fanfic writers, and fans you go on to praise in the next few sentences

THEY are the artists who make zutara canon. Not bryke. So I ask: how can they have “squandered” potential when they’ve got so many amazing artists complete their story? Why do bryke need to apparently be the only ones to complete their story?

With all this content that you admit we have over the course of so many years...it just seems wrong that you still believe zutara was squandered.

As much as I love Dante and as amazing of a person he is...I really wish he’d said “canon is what we make of it” or something along those lines instead of the quote he says here, because i honestly think this fandom as a whole would be MUCH more positive if he said so, including this article writer.

I’m sorry...we’re NOT bound by a shared ache of zutara’s “squandered” potential. We’re bound by their beauty, their parallels, their perfection as a couple. We’re not aching. We simply want to spread love for this beautiful ship. And like I said before...is their potential really squandered if we’ve got COUNTLESS fan artists creating content for them in countless different ways?

Sure as hell doesn’t sound squandered to me.

“Rather than bemoan what could have been” therein lies the issue, you ARE bemoaning them rather than stating the fact that canon is what me make of it. You continue to be upset but...there’s really no reason to be. Just because one interpretation aired on Nickelodeon with a large budget doesn’t make it ANY less valid than fan works. Zutara is VALID. and canon. And we certainly weren’t robbed. Not “could have been”. Rather, “what already is”

These last few lines are SO INCREDIBLY CLOSE to understanding the point I’m trying to make. Fan artists and fans are the ones who complete the portrait. WE are the ones who breathe life into this ship.

But again...this is NOT an issue of “what could have been”. It’s “what already is”. Why should our fan works be considered nothing more than fantasies? Isn’t the original show a fantasy as well? Aren’t these characters all just pixels in the end? They’re fictional. And as such, we have the power to decide the outcome for them. Fan works are EQUALLY as valid as the source material and shouldn’t be considered as a simple “what if”. If you want them to be canon, they are! Ik this is a nuclear take but canon really is what we make of it, and the sooner every fandom realizes that you don’t have to be bound by one specific interpretation, the healthier our experiences will be.

We create art year after year not bc we’re depressed over zutara, but because we love them so much and want to create countless stories for them that the original show never could. Doesn’t mean we were robbed. Doesn’t mean zutara is doomed. It just means we’re an extremely talented, dedicated fan base with a hell of a lot to offer

Also...idk if this writer is aware of the live action but they seem to value on screen confirmation (who doesn’t?) so if they somehow end up seeing this post and weren’t convinced by the first half, bryke left the atla live action. We’re most definitely going to get zutara. They will have a happy ending (especially since the show runner has a good enemies to lovers track record... 👀)

And one last thing...some of you may think I’m overreacting and maybe I am, but zutara is a HUGE hyperfixation and has been for almost a year. I’ve never gotten this attached to a fictional ship. So pls refrain from any “it’s not that deep” comments. This is my opinion, and you’re free to ignore. But for anyone who reads this and agrees, I hope this helps and I hope I’ve offered a more positive perspective to this otherwise well-written article. This is NOT by any means an attack on the writer, just a rambling opinion of mine :)

It’s like I’ve said countless times before: canon is transformative 💜

[ahsbitch]

The Grey-Outpost!Michael Langdon x Reader

Word Count: 5143

Summary: So I got this message for my prompts and it was supposed to just be a blurb like the others but it was already getting way too long and then I realized it would fit really well with a oneshot idea I had a month or two ago sooo here we are

Warnings: so many, nsfw, smut, virginity loss, first time, first orgasm, actually first three lmao, fingering, choking, Mean!Michael, slapping, overstimulation, emotional manipulation, brief blowjob, unprotected sex, breeding kink, a little bit of corset kink, some cockwarming bc it’s me, very Sub!Reader, also overly nice reader which probably doesn’t need a warning but I’m putting it anyway, , mentions of violence, some waxing poetic bc again that’s just me, floor licking, some?underwear stuff? Idk man, did I mention swearing bc that’s here too, idk, that’s all I can think of but my brain is not entirely focused so if I missed something I’m sorry

A/N: I’m sorry I’m like this but I hope it’s okay. Comments are always appreciated! Even just in the tags of a reblog! Or a message! Or anything! Hearing your reactions makes me feel so good!

Mini Tag List: @wroteclassicaly​ @michaellangdonstanaccount​ @guiltyfiend​

@angelicmichael​

(i actually don’t remember if all of you asked to be tagged in stuff or not so if you didn’t i’m really sorry i just thought i’d put a few people, if you want me to...Not tag you in stuff that’s totally cool and i totally get it just let me know, if you do want me to tag you in stuff also let me know on that front) 

You confused Michael Langdon. 

It wasn’t intentional, he was sure, but he was not used to being confused by the behavior of humans.

You also annoyed him, although that was less surprising. 

Most people annoyed him. 

But you annoyed him for the same reason that you confused him, and that just made him all the more confused and annoyed and annoyed and confused. 

How the hell were you so nice? 

You treated everyone who crossed your path with such kindness, even though most of them treated you like you were dog shit on the bottom of their shoe. And you simply...smiled? Nodded? Did as they said, if they gave an order, or ignored them if it was just words. 

He had never even seen you complain about your servant status, never seen you look at the drab grey of your dress with even an ounce of disdain. 

He’d taken to reading your thoughts, even more than he did with the others, trying to find the cruelty hidden inside you. 

Once, one of the Purples whose name Michael hadn’t bothered to learn had walked into a ladder that you were standing on for some job or another, and you had fallen to the ground, landing hard on your back. The Purple had cursed at you for getting in his way, and you apologized instantly. 

What an asshole, You had thought, and Michael had started to get excited, but a moment later you had shaken your head at yourself, and your thoughts continued, No, Y/N, don’t be unfair. They live a different type of life here. It’s not his fault that he sees me like this at this point, he’s practically been indoctrinated.

What utter bullshit that was, and yet you’d seemed completely contented with that thought, climbing back onto the ladder to finish your task. 

Another time he had walked in on you being beaten while Venable watching, smirking. He had simply stared for a while, watching the way you took your blows. 

“What’s going on?” Michael had asked, blood boiling at Venable’s smug expression. 

“A reminder. She’s been a bit slow in her work lately. Distracted, I think, with your proposal of paradise. She needed to remember her place.” 

He had nodded, turning back to observe you, listening for your reaction to those words. 

I haven’t been slower, though. She’s just been angrier. Poor Ms. Venable, she must be scared. I wish she wouldn’t take it out on me, Your stream of thought had paused as you let out a cry of pain, But I hope that she’ll find some type of peace. 

In interviews, Michael had started to ask about you. 

“She’s nice,” Gallant had said rather dismissively, “That’s about it. Not memorable. I don’t think anyone would miss her.” 

“She helps everyone finish their work, even though she has her own,” Another Grey had said, tilting his head to the side in thought, “I saw her take a beating in Mallory’s place once for a broken lamp. I don’t think that’s the only time she’s done that, either. She’s a little too sweet, almost. It can’t be real, can it?”

That was Michael’s thought too, but you were that sweet, or so it seemed. 

He’d begun instructing everyone during their interviews to either completely ignore you or be cruel to you, to treat you with extra disdain, to not bother with respect. He’d told Purples and Greys alike, had watched out to see them following his orders. They were doing it, and you were slowly becoming more and more alone,and yet you never so much as thought anything cruel in return. From time to time, a nasty thought would pop into your head, but you always brushed it away almost instantly, scolding yourself into something overly forgiving of their behavior. Still, you were lonelier than ever, and that meant that it would be all the easier to draw you to him. 

Your interview was the last one that was scheduled, and with every moment that led up to it he found himself getting more and more ready to break you down, and every time he thought of that he found his cock getting harder and harder. 

He was going to ruin you, in more ways than one. 

And then the interview had started, you sitting in your chair with your hands folded neatly in your lap, steadfastly avoiding eye contact with him, a polite smile on your face, and something had snapped deep inside him. 

He wasn’t sure what did it. Maybe it was your answer to why you should be taken to the Sanctuary. 

“I don’t know that I should,” You’d said simply, your damned respectful smile never wavering, “I mean, it would be nice. But I’m not particularly special, right? And if the Sanctuary is meant to be people carrying on the human race, shouldn’t it be the people who are going to make the biggest difference? I know you said that what I thought i was weakness could be my saving, and I get that, I just don’t know if I have any particular weaknesses or any particular saving graces. If you need someone to wash floors or cook in the Sanctuary, then yeah, I’m pretty good at those things. You might want me. But I don’t know that I have any particular talents or powers that would make me more useful than anyone else.” 

Maybe it was what you had said when he’d asked about your anger, about whether or not you would get revenge on any of the others for the way they’d treated you, if you got the chance.

You shrugged, taking a few moments to think about your answer before you spoke, “No. I don’t blame them for it, not really. The world ended. The fact that any of us are alive is strange enough as it is. Them being cruel is probably more of a defense mechanism than anything else. I wish they wouldn’t use me for their anger, or their disdain, or their sadness, I kinda wish they’d just leave me alone sometimes, but I wouldn’t want to get revenge even if I got the chance. I don’t think they deserve to be treated badly, even if they’ve treated me badly.” 

But most likely, it had been your answer when he’d asked what exactly you were thinking about right in that moment. 

“The end of the world, Mr. Langdon, sir,” Your smile finally dropped for just a moment, your embarrassment evident, “And your eyes. They’re very beautiful. I was thinking that heaven probably isn’t real, but if it is, it probably looks something like your eyes. But of course it’s much more likely that hell is real, based on recent events, in which case it probably looks something like the world we live in right now.” 

Michael had stood, instructing you to do the same, and within moments his lips were on yours. 

Yes, he was going to ruin you in every way possible. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This was so totally not how you had planned for your interview to go. 

Was it how Langdon had planned for it to go? Maybe. You wondered vacantly if this had happened with all of his other interviews, if all of them had found themselves lying on the floor, pinned underneath him, feeling him hungrily devouring their mouths in perhaps the best kiss that anyone had ever experienced. 

He trailed kisses down to your throat, hot, open mouthed, that you felt even though they were over the high collar of your dress, and he bit down hard, sucking harshly through the fabric. 

“Fuck!” You groaned out, feeling your skin go hot with embarrassment over the noises you were making. 

“Don’t hold back, pet,” He moved his mouth to your ear, kissing the spot just behind your earlobe as he murmured, “You make the most delightful little noises.” 

This served only to embarrass you more, and you chewed on the inside of your cheek to try and hide the moans that threatened to spill from you. 

Langdon’s hand made its way to your neck, squeezing at it as he pulled your head up closer to his, and you let out a pained whine at the pressure his palm put onto the sore spot he had just left on your throat, “Did you not hear me? Don’t hold back. I expect you to follow my orders. I’d think you’d be used to that by now.” 

“I’m sorry, sir,” You let out a strangled cry, and with a sharp smile he finally released you, letting your head drop back against the floor. 

“Next time you don’t listen to me, you will be,” He chuckled at your terrified expression, but after a moment he froze, raising a curious eyebrow at you, “What are you thinking about right now?” 

You weren’t naive enough to think that he actually cared about how you were feeling, but you answered anyway, scared of what may happen if you didn’t, “Honestly? I’m trying to decide if I’m more likely to be murdered by you or by Ms. Venable.” 

Langdon laughed again, moving off of you and leaning against the wall. He looked oddly comfortable like that, although you wouldn’t be surprised if his outfit cost more than the entire Outpost, and with a wolfish grin he patted his lap gently. 

You frowned, unsure of what that meant, but Langdon simply rolled his eyes and wrapped a hand around your wrist, tugging you into his lap. 

This was… odd.

After a moment, he gripped both of your wrists, raising your arms up and placing them on his shoulders, and you locked your fingers around the back of his neck, staring dumbly at him as you did so. 

His legs extended straight out, but he held you steady in his lap, arm wrapped your hips, your own legs perpendicular to his. 

This was very odd. 

“Now tell me,” It was interesting, the way Langdon’s words sounded more like a purr, “Why do you think that I would kill you?” 

Shyly you dropped your gaze, but then his hand was under your chin, lifting until you looked him in the eye, and you shrugged, “I mean… you said you would. It was like the first thing you told me when I came in. That if I lied or hedged or anything like that you’d...y’know...obliterate me.” 

“And have you lied to me?” His voice was sharp now, his eyes dangerous, although something playful still danced around the edges of his lips. 

“No!” You flinched, prepared for him to hit you even though he made no movement to do so, and after a minute, after you’d realized that no strike was coming, you blinked at him, “I, uh, no, sir. But you’re, well, forgive me for saying so, Mr. Langdon, but you’re very intimidating.” 

He was frowning now, just a little, and you probably wouldn’t have even noticed if you hadn’t been so fascinated by his mouth, “I’m glad you find me intimidating. I’d be a bit concerned for your sanity if you didn’t. But I have no plans at the moment to kill you, and as long as you keep telling me the truth like this, I doubt it’ll arise. Now, why would Venable kill you?” 

“She’s strict about her rules,” You felt your face heating up again, “No sexual contact of any kind. And we, y’know, we kissed. If she finds out, well, she’d even kill a Purple for breaking the rules so explicitly like that. She’d kill a Grey for a lot less.” 

“And we’ll be doing a lot more,” Langdon’s smooth voice echoed in your ears, and you shivered slightly at the insinuation, “Venable will not touch you.”

“Why not?” Your curiosity got the better of you, and you asked before you could think about the fact that it was probably a bad idea. 

Luckily, Langdon did nothing more than chuckle at you again, shifting slightly underneath you, “Because if anyone here is going to harm you, pet, it’s going to be me.” 

For some reason, his words made you clench your thighs, and you swallowed to avoid letting out a whine. 

“Yes sir,” You said softly, and then, when he’d started pressing kisses along your jaw, “There’s one more thing.” 

“And what would that be?” 

Clearing your throat, you fought to keep holding eye contact with him, “I don’t, I mean, I don’t want to be one of those people who fucks someone to get something. I don’t want to sleep with you just in hopes of going to the Sanctuary, especially because you could easily say you’re going to take me until after we’re done and then tell me you’ve changed your mind or something. I don’t want that. I’d rather you just... tell me the truth now.” 

“Alright,” Sighing, Langdon straightened up a little, shifting beneath you again so that you suddenly became aware of his erection pressing into you, “You’re not going to the Sanctuary, Y/N. Not even if we fuck. And we are going to fuck, you understand that, right?” 

“Yes sir,” You felt your gaze drop to his lips once more, “I understand. The Sanctuary thing and the fucking thing. May I please kiss you again?” 

“Not only may you do so, but I insist that you do,” His voice was cold now, but one look into his eyes showed you that he was pleased about this, and you frantically brought your mouth to his. 

Langdon slammed you back to the ground, and your head cracked loudly against the marble floor, making you feel a bit dizzy, and then his fingers found their way between the buttons of your dress and he pulled sharply, ripping it in half, and that made you feel even dizzier.

Holy fuck, how strong was he? 

“Lovely,” He murmured, his mouth running over your collarbones and up the curves of your neck, sucking dark bruises onto your skin as he went, “Don’t forget what I told you. I want to hear every single one of your sounds, understood?”

“Yes sir,” Your hands made their way to his hair almost of their own accord as he continued on, mouth drifting down to swirl over your covered nipples. 

“Turn around,” Langdon commanded, and he hummed his approval when you followed his instructions in merely a moment, kneeling before him but facing the wall. 

His long fingers made their way to the ties of your corset, beginning to work on the knot, and he frowned, “This is tied very tightly, pet. Doesn’t it hurt?” 

“I had Mallory tie it extra tightly for me, so I would have something to focus on other than my nerves for the interview,” You let out a hiss of relief as the corset came untied, “It wouldn’t hurt much, but you’re supposed to wear something under a corset, and Ms. Venable doesn’t give the Greys anything to wear under our corsets because she says our comfort isn’t a priority. So it kinda digs into my-ow, fuck, my skin.”

Your cry of distress had come when Langdon’s hands had pressed hard into the red marks that marred your back from your corset. 

“It really has done a number on you,” He helped you unclasp the front of your corset and slip it off, before bringing his hands to your hips, “Get on all fours.” 

You did as he said, unsure of why exactly he was asking you to do so, but you understood a moment later when the wet warmth of his tongue began to stroke along your spine. He licked along each mark that had been left behind, leaving a trail of coolness to follow, and although it stung with each moment of contact, it left some relief as he went. You mewled at the feeling, back arching towards him, desperate for more. 

“Feel better?” He purred, now drawing his nose around your spine.

“Yes,” You sighed pleasantly, “Thank-fuck!”

Langdon had shifted his arms so that one ran under your stomach, holding you in place, and with the other he brought his palm down on your back with all his strength. 

Tears were starting to spill from your eyes, leaving a puddle on the floor as he struck you four more times in quick, painful succession. 

“Aw, does it hurt, pet?” He was cooing at you, voice light and mocking, “Look at you. You’ve made a mess on my floor. Clean that up for me, yes?” 

Unsure of what that meant, you tried to look back at him to ask, but Langdon wrapped his hand around your neck and forced your head to the floor, his entire body pressed against yours, “Clean it up.” 

Hesitantly, you reached your tongue out to the floor, scooping the salty moisture up carefully. The pressure on your throat lightened up so that you could breathe more easily, but he didn’t remove his hand, and you frantically licked the rest of your tears off of the floor. 

Letting you sit up, he smirked at your shy smile, examining the floor carefully before praising you, “Wonderful job, pet. But it appears that the mess on the floor isn’t your only one. You seem to have made quite a mess down here as well.”

With that his hand cupped your pussy over your panties, which had become thoroughly soaked through. He pulled them down slowly, a rumble rolling past his lips at the sound the fabric made as it tried to cling to your damp flesh. He gave a tug and ripped them off of your thighs, bringing the shredded remains up to his face to examine it closely. Staring into your eyes, he poked his tongue out of his mouth and brought it to the fabric, laving slowly over the wetness that coated it. You moaned loudly at the sight, squeezing your thighs together. 

When Langdon was satisfied that he had gotten every drop of your essence off of the scraps of your underwear he tossed them carelessly in the direction of his desk, and then his tongue was on you once again, this time drawing painfully slow stripes from your knee up your inner thigh, ending just at your hip bone. 

“Did you like watching me?” There was amusement in his voice, a kind of mirth that could almost be mistaken for warmth, as he licked closer and closer to where you wanted him most, never deigning to touch you there, “Did it make you even more wet for me? Do you want me to eat your pretty little pussy until you can’t walk? Want me to let you drench my face?” 

“Please, yes, please!” You keened towards him and Langdon clamped his hands onto your thighs to hold you in place, bringing his thumbs down to spread your pussy lips open. There was something so intimately dirty about it that you let out another long moan, his breath fanning hot air against your folds, “Langdon, please, I’ll do anything you ask.”

He scoffed, nuzzling his nose over your entrance, “You’d do anything I asked anyway. But I will say, you have just about the sweetest pussy I’ve ever seen. And you smell divine, pet.” 

Whimpering, you tried to rut up to his mouth, wanting so badly to feel him against you, “Please, sir, Langdon, please, what do I have to do for you to touch me?” 

At those words, Langdon moved away from you completely, now not even letting his fingers drift over your skin, “Was I not touching you before? You’re incredibly ungrateful for someone who I could kill with less than the blink of an eye.” 

“I’m sorry,” You scrabbled to your knees, legs shaking, “I’m sorry, Mr. Langdon, I didn’t mean to be ungrateful. I’m so grateful to you, I am, I’m sorry.” 

“As you should be,” He sneered, but the bulge in his pants looked even larger than it had before, and the corners of his lips twitched up, “You do look very good on your knees for me. I think this is the position you’re meant to be in, the reason you were put on this earth. Why else would you look so lovely like this, look like such a pretty little slut? Open your mouth for me, pet.” 

This is happening. This is actually happening.

Eagerly, you complied, wrenching your mouth as wide open as you could, desperate to please him. Langdon unzipped his dress pants, reaching into his boxers and stroking himself, letting out a deep and rumbly groan as he finally pulled himself out. 

His cock was... beautiful? You hadn’t expected to find it so beautiful. The few dicks you had seen you had mostly found odd, fine enough but not particularly nice to look at, but Langdon’s looked like it had been carved by Michelangelo himself. 

It was also huge, as thick as your wrist and at least as long as your forearm, the tip a throbbing angry crimson. It was veiny, and you would’ve expected that to be strange but it just made it even prettier, an extra long and thick vein running up the side that oddly made your mouth water. 

A fresh wave of desire pulsed through you, but that didn’t stop your worry as he approached you, speaking your anxiety out loud, “Is that... I mean, is that going to fit?” 

Chuckling, Langdon pushed himself into your mouth with no warning, holding the back of your head with one hand as he began an intense, bruising pace, “What’s the matter, little whore? Never been with someone this big?”

That’s one way to put it. 

He froze suddenly, buried down your throat, his pelvic bone pressed against your nose, and slowly he looked down at you with a raised eyebrow, “Wait, you’re a virgin?”

You nodded slowly, and Langdon hissed at the movement, slowly pulling himself away from you, “Why didn’t you tell me?” 

“You didn’t ask,” You shrugged, bringing a hand up to massage your jaw, “I didn’t think it would matter, I’m sorry. Does it change things?” 

Langdon gripped your hair, and he pulled you to your feet and into a bruising kiss all in one swift movement. Then his hands were all over you, stroking your skin fervently as he led you to his chair, sitting down and pulling you into his lap once more. The feeling of his dress pants against your bare skin was sinfully lovely, and you were suddenly aware of how exposed you were, when you could see almost nothing of him. 

After what felt like hours, he pulled away from you, his eyes dancing with something deeply dangerous, a brilliant smile on his face, “Of course it matters, pet I wouldn’t have even considered wasting any of my cum in your mouth if I knew your perfect cunt was untouched, waiting for me.” 

You let out a cry as he grabbed onto your hips tightly, beginning to draw you up and down over his length. His cock pressed into your folds, rubbing your clit, and every time he approached your entrance you gasped, “Holy, oh my, fuck, that feels good, Langdon I-”

“Michael,” He interrupted, moving you faster. 

“What?” You blinked up at him in confusion, and he felt his cock twitch at the sight.

“My name is Michael Langdon,” He pressed a kiss to your neck, beginning to suck a new line of hickeys, “You can call me Michael.” 

“Michael,” You sighed, clenching around nothing as a strange sensation started to boil in your stomach, something so pleasureful that you didn’t know what was happening, “Oh, fuck, Michael, you feel so good, please, can’t you just fuck me?” 

“Oh believe me, I’m going to,” His cock was twitching even more now, your name so perfect from his mouth, “But you have to be ready for it first. Come on, pet, come for me, just like this.” 

You mewled, your fingers digging into his shoulders as the boiling in your stomach became more, became overwhelming, and you squeezed your eyes shut as you let out a desperate shriek. 

“I didn’t, oh fuck, oh god, I didn’t know it would feel that good,” You panted, and Michael raised an eyebrow at you yet again as you buried your face in his shoulder. 

“Have you... have you never had an orgasm before?” 

You shook your head against him, letting out another gasp as one of his fingers started to toy around your entrance, “No, I haven’t. I mean, I thought I might have once, but it was nothing like that.”

“Have you ever had any fingers inside you?” He asked, even as he was already easing a finger into you, giving your walls a single stroke before he pushed two more in. 

“No!” You shrieked, the foreign sensation making you buck your hips wildly, “I, I mean, no, I haven’t.” 

Cock throbbing harder than ever before, Michael began to scissor his fingers around, stretching you out, “Fascinating. My little whore is so inexperienced.”

Moaning at his words, you lurched when his middle finger hit a spot deep inside you that made you see stars, “M-m-Michael, please!”

“M-m-Michael! M-m-Michael!” He mocked you, scooping the hand that wasn’t busy working you open under your ass, shifting out of the seat and lowering you to the ground, his mouth finding its way to your tits, “Wait, pet. Be a patient slut for me and you’ll be rewarded.” 

You nodded as he bit your nipple, toying with it roughly before kissing over to the other side, “Sorry, sorry, oh holy fuck that feels good.” 

Another orgasm was forming deep within you, more mewls leaving your throat as you desperately started to claw at his back, “Michael, fuck, Michael, I’m going to-”

“Good girl,” He purred, pulling his fingers out of you just as you started to cum, and then he slammed his cock into you with no warning, delighting in the bloodcurdling scream that you let out, letting out a guttural moan, “You’re so good for me, aren’t you? Desperate little slut, you were so ready for me to stretch you out, huh?”

“Wait, Michael,” You let out a sob, your cunt pulsing with overstimulation, “Michael, it’s too much, it hurts, please.” 

He was completely bottomed out in you, not moving yet, but he brought both hands up to wrap around your throat, cutting off all of your air, “Now now, pet, that’s no way to thank me for being so kind to you. You’ve cum twice now, haven’t you? And have I gotten to cum even once? No. Now, are you going to be good for me?” 

You nodded fervently, and he released you, leaving you gasping, “Sorry, sorry, Michael. I’m sorry.” 

“Good,” Michael started to pull out of you ever so slowly, moving at a glacial pace until just his tip was inside of you before thrusting in again, filling you up once more, “Oh, you feel good. Your pussy is fluttering all around me. But I should tell you, Y/N, I lied to you.” 

You let out another shaky sob as he hooked his hands under your knees and stretched your legs up, throwing them over his shoulders, continuing his pace of slow drags out followed by impossibly fast thrusts in, your hands scrambling for purchase on the smooth silk that covered his back, “Wh-what? What do you mean?” 

“I told you I wasn’t going to take you to the Sanctuary,” He grunted, his pace getting somehow even slower, in and out both, your slapping skin making loud, lewd noises, “I lied. I am. I’m going to pump you full of my cum, pet, until you’re overflowing with me. I’m going to breed you like the whore you are, and then we’re going to rule over the new world, together.” 

“I don’t understand,” Shrieking again, a whine bubbling out of your throat, you gasped as his hands moved to your tits once more, “Please, Michael, please can you go faster?”

It still hurt, but it was getting better, the pain being overrun with the pleasure. 

Michael complied, slamming into you, setting such a brutal, bruising pace that you were sure you could feel him all the way up in your stomach, “That’s my good little pet. Look at this, your pussy is devouring me. I’m going to wreck you, gonna mold your pussy around my dick so that you know that no one else will ever be able to make you feel good. Your perfect little pussy was made for me, and me alone. You were made for me. Your pussy, your ass, your mouth, these perfect tits,” He gave your breasts a harsh squeeze, running his thumbs over your nipples as you let out another scream, “They’re gonna be full of milk before you know it, filled up for our baby. Do you want to have my baby, pet? Do you want me to breed you? Fill you up? Ruin you for anyone else with my cock?” 

“Yes!” You sobbed, although you were barely conscious of what you were saying, barely even conscious of what he was saying, another orgasm fast approaching, “Michael, please! Fill me up! I need you!”

“Then cum for me,” Growling, he brought his nose down to touch yours, “Squeeze my cock with that tight pussy of yours, finish for me, and accept my seed knowing that you belong to me now, understood?” 

“Yes, yes, yes! Michael, I’m yours, I belong to you, yes!” Your screams were echoing around the room now, but you couldn’t hold back, not when he felt so good, and this time rather than a boiling in your stomach your orgasm felt like an awakening, like you were being reborn. 

You came harder than you knew was possible and Michael quickly followed suit, pumping you full of his thick, hot ropes of cum, more than he had ever cum before, filling you all the way up. 

Whimpering, you sat up, and rather than letting you move away Michael pulled you to his lap and dragged himself to the wall to lean against once again, hushing your mewls with a kiss, “Good girl. That’s my good little pet. I’m gonna stay inside you, okay? Gotta make sure you don’t lose a single drop.”

Nodding, you felt your eyelids start to flutter, your head dropping to his chest, “Yes, Michael. I’m...I’m so tired.”

“I know you are, little one, I know you are. Get some rest now. No one will interrupt us. Rest, my sweet, and have dreams of the future we will build together,” He pressed a kiss to your forehead, pulling you impossibly closer to his chest, and letting out a happy hum as he felt you already drifting off, and before he did the same he whispered in your ear, “I’m proud of you.”

[zevlors-tail]

So, I'm through episode 2 in Tears of Themis, and I would like to give a little review and say some things.

Spoilers for episodes 1, 2, and the beginning of Vyn's story BTW!!!

As far as functionality and storyline, those things are great. I am extremely interested in where the story is going, and the characters and plot are captivating. The game runs pretty smooth too, and it's not too different from Obey Me in terms of a card system and the episodes, though I do feel it could have been made a bit simpler...

So now that I've given my praise, I want to address a couple...issues that I have with the actual content of the game. 😬

I'll just be blunt. I don't like the fact that so far, mental illness has been portrayed the way it has. Quite frankly I think it's not only extremely harmful and misrepresenting of those who actually are affected by it, but also in poor taste to include it in such a prevalent way in an otome game. I'm not sure I understand the point behind it other than using it as an excuse for a motive for some of the cases and situations, which to me is absolutely just...yuck. And for that matter, there have been no warnings whatsoever for players who might be sensitive to those subjects either. It just pops up in the story randomly.

In Vyn's very first story segment, you literally see someone with SH marks, and it's MC's job to somehow read into that and come to the conclusion that one of Vyn's students is suicidal. In epside 2, bipolar disorder (idk the current/correct term or if that one's outdated, I'm sorry! I'm only quoting the term from the game!) is literally used as a piece of evidence and the motive as to why a man murdered his wife. Also, let's not forget the way Estelle literally used Janus' illness against him to try and manipulate him to go public with their marriage, saying "I have to take care of you and your depression, but who's going to take care of me?" That was quite possibly the most toxic line from this game I've read yet. And even in episode one, there was a brief mention of Grandpa Vern having depression after everything that transpired with Pedro and Penny's Comfort Foods, but MC and Artem quickly pass it off with something along the lines of "Well the trial's over now, so he'll be fine!"

Are you kidding me? 😳 I just feel like if you can't write a compelling murder mystery plot without having to make someone mentally ill to give them a motive, maybe you shouldn't be writing that plot. Also, you're misrepresenting everyone with mental illness and spreading misinformation about what it's really like. In real world situations, it's never black and white like that. It's so different for everyone, and it cannot be 'cured' or just 'go away' just because the main stressor or source of the problem does. It doesn't work like that, but I digress...

Note: I didn't really mention it here, but because I bring up Mystic Messenger in a later comparison, I would like to note that while MysMes also had a similar issue to this (ie. Rika, her cult, and mental illness), I feel that it was handled significantly better and multiple characters recognized her wrongdoings and condemned her and her actions for it. I haven't played through Saeran or V's route, so I can't vouch for that content. I just feel that MysMes handled it better (not perfectly), which is why it wasn't brought up here.

I think I've said enough about that. On to my next qualm:

I've noticed there have been several conversations about MC's figure and weight already, including Luke saying something akin to "I've always thought you looked too skinny," and MC thinking they were fat or asking/acusing Luke of calling them fat. I can't remember exactly what was said or mentioned but it made me feel uncomfortable for several reasons. The first is that weight didn't really need to be mentioned at all, and that is a particular sensitivity of mine, and the second being that Luke calling MC skinny is, well- it assumes that every single player is...skinny.

That is quite obviously not the case. Whatever their reasoning for it, they've now made every person who isn't considered skinny feel left out and shitty. I would even go as far as to say it's borderline fat-phobic with the type of comments that were made.

And on that topic...there is also no representation for POC whatsoever when it comes to MC. As far as I know, MC isn't customizable. Someone correct me if I'm wrong on this, but I never saw an option to change skin color, hair color, eye color, or just icons in general. Why? I'm tired of the "skinny white girl" rhetoric. Not everyone is skinny, not everyone is white, and not everyone is a girl or feminine.

Which leads me to my final big issue! I understand that an otome game's target audience is usually women, so I understand MC being a girl. I do. However- in comparison with Obey Me and even Mystic Messenger, the MC in Tears of Themis is overwhelmingly feminine. Again, I understand target audience, but come on. Even Mystic Messenger only occasionally poked at the MC's specific gender and even hid their eyes so make it slightly more anonymous/neutral (not to say the game wasn't in the wrong for it, bc they very well could have made the MC gender neutral apart from the CGI's), but I feel like this game specifically really paints a picture of a female MC that's extremely hard for me to relate to as a nonbinary person.

Also, even though I'm supposed to be the main character, it feels like I'm playing through someone else's life. They've fleshed out MC so much that she isn't actually relatable anymore, at least in my opinion. She's unnaturally upbeat, has an entire story about her childhood, specific hobbies and a designated work place, and has an entire appearance on screen. And unlike in both MysMes and Obey Me, you actually don't get the option to choose different responses to characters. It's just a set story. The only place you get to choose anything is when you're presenting evidence and testimony in court. So no personalization of MC is really my issue here, I think.

Props to Obey Me for making MC gender neutral, and props to MysMes for at least keeping MC relatable and giving them choices to respond with even if the game set their gender. And hey, MysMes even had different icons to choose from for MC too. Tears of Themis, what's the hold up? 🤨

It's generally a good game when it comes to it's working functions and systems, and I understand that no one is obligated to tag triggers, really. But it's still a game, and it's not above critique.

I give this game...3 stars out of 5. Functionality is great, plot is interesting when it's not misrepresenting, and the love interests are interesting and attractive. The art is beautiful. However, it ranks third on the list of otome games I've played so far (and I've only played three, meaning it's last on the list).

Obey Me takes the cake at number one with it's beautiful art and gender neutral MC as well as its multiple love interests and ridiculously hilarious plot. Mystic Messenger comes in at a solid second place, also with beautiful art and an interesting plot. MysMes also gets props for the way their hourglass system works and the way the story unfolded in different routes and all the different endings you could get. And finally we've got Tears of Themis in third...it could stand to do a bit better.

Well, that's pretty much all I got. Others are welcome to add on to this as well. If I'm wrong about something, please let me know respectfully.

[mallowstep]

What are your opinions on forbidden relationships in Warriors? I've seen people label it as a "trope" because of how common this is. Some find the forbidden romance aspect intriguing, though others find it extremely repetitive and old

I'd like to know your thoughts!

hm. well, it is a trope. i mean, there's an average of one major one a series, right? greysilver, leafcrow (and others, but that's the big one), heatherlion (and implied others), tigerdove, idk i don't remember anything from avos but violetshine luv her but there's probably something, bristleroot. dotc doesn't count bc well it's dotc.

anyway.

definitely a trope.

but that's not a bad thing.

what i think people don't give warriors enough credit for is that these are not all the same forbidden romance. most of them are handled in different ways and bring up different conflicts. i understand why people are tired of them, but let's not discredit one of the only good things in warriors romance: that they make forbidden relationships different.

like, with grey and silver, it's about loyalty and responsibility. leafcrow is just bad idea central, both heatherlion and tigerdove are about responsibilities and young cats, and they have two different answers, and bristleroot is challenging the whole idea from the start.

so like. give credit where credit is due: we're not doing the same (forbidden) relationships again and again. i don't see enough people talk about that.

okay so it turns out i have um. a lot of thoughts about this. idk i just kept writing and now it's over 2k words. so you know. under the cut: matthew does half-baked media analysis to talk about why the code and cats' relationships to it are misunderstood. while actually staying on topic.

anyway from here on i'm just going to say relationship/romance, and understand that i'm generally talking about the forbidden kind. also i'm talking exclusively within the realm of warriors romance, which is, on average, bad. so when i say "X is good," i don't mean "X is good in general," i mean "given what we have, X is good." just to be clear.

right! basically, this is a tool. it creates tension and drama, and that's fine. warriors is a soap opera, remember. soap operas use secrets and relationships and all sorts of plot devices over and over again. warriors is not Serious. it can be dark. it has serious moments. but it is not a Serious Book Series for Serious Kids. it is a soap opera for Future Theatre Kids. yeah?

from that perspective, i'm a-ok with forbidden romance. (also, as a mini-aside, it creates some much-needed genetic diversity when kits are involved.) and again: all of the major relationships are different, so i think that's better than a lot of people give it credit for.

yeah, heatherlion and greysilver and tigerdove are all about the same general idea (loyalty and responsibility), but they all have different circumstances and different resolutions.

so like? yeah. sure. why not?

plus, like, who's reading warriors for the romance? i separate the concept of "romance" from a "relationship" here: i like the relationships in warriors (ivy and dove tension my beloved), but i'm not here to read about tigerheart wooing dovewing. (yes, i do love the tigerdove scenes in oots. no, that's not because i think they're very good at being romantic.)

but i digress.

if warriors was a Serious Book Series for Serious Kids, i'd have a different take here. having been in an IRL forbidden relationship, i have the Personal Insight and Experience to say they're this weird mash of "very much how it feels" and "not at all how it feels."

tigerdove is probably my favourite bc it's the closest to my circumstances, and i think dovewing is a good pov. i like how she breaks up with him because it's a bad idea, but that's not the same thing as not feeling for him.

(heh. twelve-year-old me reading oots like "this will never apply to my life" what did you know)

but to the point, if warriors was serious, i'd point out that the consequences always seem to be internal. we haven't seen characters be punished for their actions. and so on.

but warriors is a soap opera.

and here's my actual thesis: we haven't seen characters be punished for their actions, because "forbidden relationships" are a normal and expected part of clan society.

like no, fandom-at-large, you're kind of missing the point. okay, you know how like. people complain about. idk. ivypool and fernsong being distantly related?

(third aside/very long ivyfern rant, i put a nice big "rant over" after it if you want to skip past it: they're third cousins. they share, max, 2.2% of their genetics. they are fine. do you know your third cousins? do you? yeah. and like. they live in a closed society. there is no one new.

i've never seen someone complain about forbidden romance and ivyfern at the same time, and i do generally agree we should have more mystery fathers, altho for a different reason, but like. idk. this bothers me.

their last shared relative was nutmeg. that's so far back. god. i get it, there was a prophecy saying they're related, but if you remember my rant about how dovewing shouldn't be a part of the prophecy because of how distantly related to firestar is, you know how i feel about that already.

complaining they're related and that's a problem is. deep breath here. it requires demonstrating that warriors has kept track of kinship all the way back to firestar's mother. and even if you wave that requirement, you still have to convince me they would care about that. this isn't a "they're cats, harold" situation, this is a "you would not know your third cousin even if you lived in the same town" situation.

i mean maybe you would. some people do. but my hometown has generations of people who married within its borders. you get as far as "cousin," maybe "second cousin" if you're feeling fancy. i'm not trying to make an always true statement, i just. every time i see someone complain about ivyfern being related, it strikes me as not understanding how extended families work?

i know third cousins isn't technically classified as a distant relative, but you have, on average, 190 third cousins. i feel so strongly about this i looked it up.

like i'm not. okay if you say, "I don't ship ivyfern because they are third cousins and that makes me uncomfortable" you are Valid. in general, you are all valid. i do not think you have to, on a personal level, be okay with ivyfern. you are free to do as you wish.

but. if you want to argue "ivyfern is a Bad Ship because they are third cousins" you have a hell of a burden of proof. simply saying "they share a great-great-grandmother" does not meet that, because like. yeah. we're all pretty damn related.)

(ivyfern rant over)

IVYFERN RANT OVER

right so. anyway. if you remove forbidden romance? you're forcing a lot more of those situations.

i've been messing around with modelling some small-scale fan clan-adjacent stuff to double-check the ratios for wbcd, and it's. it quickly becomes a necessity, is what i'm saying.

but i got distracted like. researching how related third cousins are. my point is not about that, that's like. a different topic. that i crammed into here because i have no self-control.

no, no, what i was trying to get to is: oakheart straight up tells us that cats have half-clan kits all the time, it's not a problem, no one talks about it. and that? that is exactly what we see modelled by warriors.

the only reason greystripe and silverstream have a problem is that silverstream dies and greystripe claims the kits. i feel very strongly that if she had lived, the kits would have been born and raised riverclan kits, that might, maybe, one day, guess who their father is.

we haven't had any half clan kits in a while, which yes! i think is a problem, but like. the fact that the three are medicine cat kits seems to be a bigger issue. which feels right.

and i'm not trying to argue what i think should be, i legitimately believe the text of warriors defends this, even in newer books which throw out a lot of the older world building in favour of more human-like conflict.

as readers, we are naturally following protagonists. we are following the interesting story. but imagine you're just a background riverclan cat. minnowtail, if you will. do you think, do you honestly think, anyone cares about minnowtail?

not in a bad way, just. if she's meeting up with mousewhisker at night, do you think anyone cares? of course not! no one cares. she's not a Protagonist. her kits aren't going to be prophesized about.

heck, finleap switches clans! and it's barely a big deal. it feels like one, but when's the last time anyone bothered dealing with it? that's what i thought.

(also i forgot like all of avos so that very last point might be a bad one if it is my argument stands i just literally do not remember anything in avos but violetshine. none. zero.)

but it's easy to get caught up with characters like hollyleaf and bristlefrost and forget that like. not everyone cares about the code. most of our protagonists do, because it's become mostly equivalent with being moral. and i have an essay draft titled "the code as religion vs the code as law" where i want to expand on this more, but i think like. that idea, that we as readers should use the code as a way of evaluating cats' behaviour, is flawed.

like, i'm not talking about being inconsistent with how that is applied. if you want to say, "the trial leafpool goes through for having half-clan kits is legitimate because of the code," i still think your approach is flawed.

because the cats themselves don't seem to think that way.

the code doesn't, to me, feel like the ten commandments. it does not feel like "you must do this to be a good cat."

rather, it feels like aesop's parables. "here are mistakes cats made and what we do instead of that."

i don't think the cats know the code the way we do. i do not think they memorize a list of rules as kits. i think they know what is and is not part of it, but i imagine they know the stories far more than the rules.

(i'm working on my lore stories to replace code of the clans.)

and even if that's my thoughts, i do think this is supported by the text. no one ever teaches the warrior code, cats just learn it in pieces. "don't waste food because we don't have enough to spare" is taught, not "there's a rule about food and starclan on the code."

that's why the whole arc of the broken code even works: the reason the imposter is able to manipulate things is because cats don't treat the code as a rigid set of rules and commandments, but guiding principles.

the parts of the code that we tend to focus on the most are relationships, apprentices, and battle. or that's my perception. i didn't do a poll to obtain that. there's also the leader's word, but readers don't usually think of that as a good rule, so i'm not including it.

but the parts the cats focus on most are food, territory, and the leader's word. which makes sense: those are basic needs: food, security, and...i don't want to say authority so much as some kind of social system. explaining it would be a whole thing. just trust with me, if you don't mind.

i don't think we have any real reason to believe cats care about half-clan relationships half as much as we do. yes, apprentices are chastized about it, but that's not really the same thing as being punished.

and it's hard to tell, because apprentices being punished has really fallen off, and that's kind of the problem with any argument i try to make about warriors, but.

wow.

i'm actually still on topic? i'm 2k words in and i'm still on topic? a day i never thought would come.

let's wrap this up. cats seem to care about half clan relationships in that: a) they lead to conflicted loyalties, b) they mess with borders and prey, and c) they are in the code as bad. in that order.

and again, if the code was some high and holy religious doctrine, we couldn't have the broken code as an arc. it does not work if the cats are already following it to a t, and know it word for word, because it's signfiicantly harder to manipulate people if they do.

not to the level the imposter does, at the speed he does.

and yes, you could argue that it's more bad writing, but. i think that discredits warriors. yeah, it sure has its fair share of bad writing, but i don't think that's in the way the imposter works. instead, he seizes on a big important doctrine that's nebulous, and uses that to control people.

and that? that feels much more interesting.

so with that in mind, i don't think the cats would care about your typical, non-protagonist forbidden relationship, and i don't think we should, either.

as far as a plot device, i think we're okay with what we have. don't get me wrong, i understand why people are tired of it, but i think we also should remember that warriors is not repeating itself. having multiple forbidden relationships is not repetitive. now, if medicine cats were having half-clan kits every series, i'd make a different argument.

but all of the major forbidden relationships have different outcomes, lessons, and circumstances, and for me, i think that's signficantly interesting.

i didn't really check sources and quotes for this, so like, if you spotted something wrong, feel free to correct me. my overall point stands, but there's a lot of warriors and i have a bad memory, so i could have missed somthing major.

[faithinthefuture28]

Larry songs timeline & what it tells us about the evolution of their relationship

**These are all just my interpretations but the more I listen to the music they wrote, the more it all fits together. ESPECIALLY BECAUSE THROUGHOUT THE YEARS THEY’VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT WRITING “AUTOBIOGRAPHICALLY” AND “FROM PERSONAL EXPERIENCE”

I deffo missed some songs but these stood out to me:

2013

L-Strong: Love isn’t easy (waves trying to break it) but what we have means something and it’s worth fighting for. read: love is only for the brave (Think of how much love that’s been wasted...there’s nothing i’m running from...i don’t care, I’m not scared of love) And we bring out the best in each other so lets not throw this away (i’d do anything to save it...when i’m not with you i’m weaker). 

H-Happily: I want to fight for us too bc we’re on fire and our love is powerful af. ik we have to do stunts and stuff (and if (s)he feels my traces in your hair, sorry love but I don’t really care) but what we have is insane and fuck everyone else bc you’re MINE and i’m YOURS at the end of the day (i wanna be the one who holds you when you sleep). Together, we’re magic so just be with me so happily

H-Something Great: ****this song is very straightforward so i won’t explain it much***** (i want you here with me like how i pictured it so i dont have to keep imagining... We’re better off together here tonight). Written as a longing for what could be if they dont have to suppress the relationship. (script was written...want to rip it all to shreds) Louis’ response (you’re all I want so much it’s hurting) basically says “it’s not too much to ask babe, i want it too.” This has the kind of longing that ‘wouldn’t it be nice- beach boys’ which Harry has admitted is kind of a theme song. 

L-Through the Dark: I know all this bs we’re going through is taking a toll on you and hurts you and i hate seeing you upset (you tell me that your sad...you tell me that you’re hurt and youre in pain and i can see your head is held in shame...i just wanna see you smile again) but I will do everything physically possible to protect you from any pain bb (i’d never let you fall and break your heart, if u wanna cry or fall apart, i’ll be there to hold ya). We’re going through this together and I will take on any responsibility needed to keep you happy.  I’M WILLING TO GO THROUGH HELL TO FIGHT FOR US HARRY LOVE (entire chorus basically).

L-Better than Words: holy fuck our love is amazing can’t even describe it can i just sing to you foreva love u babycakes

L-Why don’t we go there: what if...we just forgot about the world and escaped and enjoyed each others love and rode the high??? Also sex

2014

L-Ready to Run: *******Followup to Why Don’t We Go There*********** But this time let’s escape for real bc (there’s me inside a sinking boat running out of time). Like i’m ready to get out of here and it could just be us living happily ever after (this time i’m ready to run). Honestly nothing else makes sense (without you i’ll never make it out alive...wherever you are is the place i belong). I know what i want out of life and IT’S YOU HARREH (i want to be free and i wanna be yours, i will never look back). 

L-Steal My Girl: all u thirsty hoes find someone else bc Harry is MY pretty princess. Srsly ask his family. But you can still admire how he looks in those jeans. We all do. You know the ones

L-No Control: boy u fine, let’s do what lovers do IN THE MORNING. bc we can. also you own me and i am urs

L-Clouds: WE KNEW THIS WAS GONNA BE HARD SO WHY ARE YOU BEING A LITTLE BITCH (you dont like it complicated...but love is never ever simple...you are tired of all the changes, but love is always always changing). We could be great yo, just keep fighting (if we’re never coming back down, we’ll looking down on the clouds...we go and we go and we dont stop)

H-Where do Broken Hearts Go: IM SORRY LOU BABY YOURE EVERYTHING (rest of my crimes dont come close the look on your face when i let you go... the taste of your lips...is at the top of the list of things i want). H&L’s call and  response at the end is basically forgiveness and acknowledgment (come on baby come and get me out, come on baby cuz i need you now)

H-Two Ghosts: *****was written around this time according to Harry******. This is fucking hard yo. We’re drained and exhausted and idk how much more we can fight for this... (it’s not you and it’s not me...sounds like something that i used to feel). That infatuation and electricity and hope that fueled our younger selves isn’t really there anymore and i’m just tired man (we’re just two ghosts swimming in a glass half empty, trying to remember how it feels to have a heartbeat, we’re not who we used to be...this was all we used to need). We’re empty vessels going through the motions (same eyes blue, couple more tattoos). AND WE AREN’T FUCKING COMMUNICATING (we dont say what we really mean). 

2015

H&L-Perfect: so what if... we get rid of the pressure of forever? What if we just have fun doing the stupid shit we love and makes us feel alive (trouble up in hotel rooms, secret little rendezvous, things you know that we shouldn’t do). Like we won’t be out of each others’ lives, I’m still around and we can find comfort in each other and even mess around here and there (I can be the one you love from time to time). Remember how we used to be young and EXCITED (when i first saw you from across the room, i could tell that you were curious) let’s get that energy back without the responsiblity of an adult relationship. And we can keep making art lmao (if youre looking for someone to write your breakup songs about). 

L-Long Way Down *****this song fkn hurts man. It’s overlooked a lot but shows so much insight**** We were...everything. And maybe that’s the problem? We’ve been through so fucking much, more than anyone our age should have to endure. (We've been in fire, Went down in the flames. We sailed the ocean And drowned in the waves. Built a cathedral But we never prayed) We didn’t know what we had. We were damn kids man. We weren’t prepared for all this. We didn’t know how powerful this would be. We didn’t know what it required of us. (We had a mountain But took it for granted. We had it all yeah. Who could’ve planned it). We didn’t know what to do with it, how to deal with it, so here we are. (We had a spaceship But we couldn't land it) We’re each other’s everything, but we can’t keep going on like this babe. (We found an island But we got stranded). I don’t want to leave you but being together is breaking us down. (Point of no return and now It's just too late to turn around) We thought we were untouchable. That love conquers all. Maybe, we were wrong. This is gonna hurt like a bitch (We built it up so high and now I'm fallin', it’s a long way down)

H-Olivia: I LIVE FOR YOU, I LONG FOR YOU, I LOVE YA. And i think i’ll always love ya. And I’m scared...of life without you (i get the feeling you’re walking out, time is irrelevant when i’ve not been seeing you, the consequences are falling now, there’s something i’m having nightmares about...dont let me go). But maybe just maybe thats okay, because you’re AIMH (you live in my imagination...i love you, it’s all i do). 

L-Love you Goodbye: I fucking love you and I’ll always fucking love you but i think this is the right thing to do even though it feels so wrong (i know there’s nothing i can do to change it, but is there something that can be negotiated?) We made some goddamn fireworks together though (unforgettable together held the whole world in our hands) and do ya maybe think...we can make them just once more? (if tomorrow you wont be mine, let me give it to you one last time, baby let me love you goodbye...one more taste of your lips just to bring me back to the places we’ve been and the nights we’ve had because if this is it, then at least we could end it riiiiight). ********in the interview with our FAVE Gwen Garcia, she asked if it’s better to say goodbye and end a relationship that’s not feeling right or keep trying even if your heart’s not in it. Harry responds with “I think it’s better to say goodbye...but sometimes if youre trying to protect..” Then Louis cuts him off and says “you’re going deep aren’t you”, brushing the question off as a joke but imho i think there was pain in that answer. Then Harry continues “if you’re not 100% in it, I think it’s better for both parties if you say goodbye”. And Louis adds a “yeah” at the end.********

H-Walking in the Wind: I know this is scary but i think we can do it, (you said to me do you believe i’ll be too far? if youre lost just look for me you’ll find me) I think because youre AIMH and i’m always in yours, it’ll be good for us. And look at us being mature, we’re killing it babe. We can live our separate lives and grow on our own. We dont need to make it messy and hurtful. We’re on the same page. (the fact that we can sit right here and say goodbye means we’ve already won. A necessity for apologies between you and me, baby there is none). At this point, we’re kinda part of each other right? So it’s healthy for us to be apart for a bit. (it’s not the end, i’ll see your face again... i know we’ll be alright...just close your eyes and see i’ll be by your side any time you need me). And you’ve helped me grow into the person I am, and I you, so that’s cool as hell, right? (you will find me in places that we’ve never been). We had a TON of fun (we had some good times didnt we) so i feel okay that we’re doing this (goodbyes are bittersweet) and starting the next adventure in our lives. 

H-If I could fly: I. am. yours. Louis. William. Tomlinson. (for your eyes only, i’ll show you my heart). Maybe this growth thing isn’t worth it, let me prove to you how much you mean to me (i think i might give up everything just ask me to). This is gonna be hard as shit because i’m so dependent on you (i’m missing half of me when we’re apart). I’m being honest and I’m being scared and I’m being vulnerable because I can’t lie to you and pretend I’m strong (i let my guard down, right now i’m completely defenseless). But we’re part of each other, right? (i could feel your heart inside of mine). I’ll always be here for you Lou (for when you’re lonely and forget who you are) even if for now we can’t physically be together. 

L-Home: I’ve tried, Harry. I’ve tried to play pretend (told myself i kind of like her but there was something missin in her eyes). But i was lost (i was stumblin, lookin in the dark with an empty heart) because none of it was enough, none of it was YOU (it was there i sawr it in your eyes). And then i met you and you felt the same and we’re both lost souls playing pretend who found magic in each other (but you say you feel the same, could we ever be enough?) Is our love enough to overcome everything? Maybe we can be enough. Maybe I can make this enough, let me try to make it enough for you. And if we go our separate ways, know that I’m here for you no matter what. I won’t let you be lost again. (When you’re lost I’ll find a way and I’ll be your light, you will never feel like you’re alone, I’ll make this feel like home). So go. wander. find yourself. Then when you’re ready, come home. 

 2016-2017

H- Sweet Creature: ***Harry admit that this was the first song he wrote for the album**** We aren’t in the best place rn. We’ve been fighting (had another talk about where it’s going wrong...it’s hard when we argue, we’re both stubborn). But it’s you Louis. It can’t be anyone else. (don’t know where we’re going but we know where we belong... wherever I go, you bring me home). That’s not even a question. I’m still trying to figure out who I am, but the one thing I know is that a large part of who I am is you (we started 2 hearts in one home). And aint no way I’m losing that part of myself (when i run out of road, you bring me home). It was always you. 

H-MMITH: Whenever you’re ready, I’m ready (just let me know i’ll be at the door,  hoping you’ll come around). I know I need to work on myself a little more (i gotta get better, and maybe we’ll work it out) but honestly i’m getting impatient and i want things to go back to how they were and i want to be yours again (once you go without it, nothing else would do). But I can’t communicate this to you clearly so let me just put this in a song and hope you get it (we dont talk about it, it’s something we dont do) ****Harry mentioned in an interview that he expresses himself through songwriting when he can’t say the words directly to a person because it’s easier to just write it in a song than have difficult conversations*****

H-ESNY: ****honestly no idea what this song is about but it’s something to do with them fighting and not communicating and being in a weird place before their relationship is rekindled******* edit: this could be about his stepdad

H-FTDT: I MISS YOU AND I’M TOO FULL OF PRIDE TO TELL YOU DIRECTLY JUST COME BACK INTO LIFE LOU I’M LONELY AND SAD AND EMPTY AND IM NOT FUCKING FINDING MYSELF LIKE YOU SAID I WOULD (woke up alone, played with myself where were you...we havent spoke since you went away, why wont you ever say what you wanna say) So until then I sit and wait for your sorry ass to make the first move (maybe one day you’ll call me and tell me that you’re sorry too...but you never do). Also like i have to hear from other people how you are?? (i saw your friend that you know from work, he said that you feel just fine) ANd you’re sharing OUR clothes with people?? wtf just swallow your pride and call me 

L-Miss You: OKAY BUT I CANT JUST CALL YOU BECAUSE I HAVE PRIDE TOO also my mates are trying to make me get over you (now i’m asking my friends how to say I’m sorry, they say lad give it ttime there’s no need to worry, and we can’t even be on the phone now). So i’m just numbing your absence with partying and drinks but CLEARLY ITS NOT WORKING (should be laughing but there’s something wrong...shit maybe i miss you...when i feel it coming up i just throw it all away, get another few shots cuz it doesn’t matter anyway...such a good time, i’ll believe it this time). This is weird bc like you were my everything but im trying to get used to this and it fucking sux (oh how shit changes, we were in love, now we’re strangers). And tbh, its scary af bc what if this is it (i’m asking myself, is it over?). BUT ALSO LIKE WTF U COULD REACH OUT FIRST YA KNOW (i’ve been checking my phone all evening).

H-Anna: wtf Louis how do you not see how much this is killing me. I miss you so much and seeing you on tv or in pics drives me wild bc you’re not mine. (I don’t want your sympathy but you don’t know what you do to me...everytime I see your face there’s only so much I can take...I guess it would be nice if I can touch your body). And idk if you’re replacing me (don’t know where you’re laying, just know it’s not with me) and we’re in SUCH a weird place rn how do I tell u you’re the loml (don’t know what I’d say if I passed you on the street...don’t know what I’d tell you if you asked me for the truth) so I refuse to put this song on the album and let you know this and give you satisfaction from knowing how gone I still am for you bc I have 0 idea how you feel (hope you never see this and know that it’s for you)

L-Always You: SO THIS IS ME SWALLOWING MY PRIDE STANDING IN FRONT OF YOU SAYING IM SORRY FOR THAT NIGHT... ok but fr i miss u i miss u i miss u i miss u and nothing else compares like i can travel the whole world and all i think about is how much more fun it was with you and the memories we shared and i wish i could just say thx fr th mmrs and move on but actually no thx actually fuck you for making me not able to enjoy my life without you. So like...come home? and wrap your legs around me? also lmao i took El to a gay bar in amsterdam for her bday lmao i miss u come cuddle me and i’ll tell you all about it

L-We Made It: looks like we made it, look how far we’ve come my baby. They saidd I bett they’ll never make it, but just look at us holding onn, we’re still togetherr, still going stronggg. Also to the fans, miss our single bed and the nights we talked about our dreams :-* also Andrew my man luv u

2018-2019

L-KMM: our love was youthful and exhilarating and fucking electric and i think it still can be. dont know what i’d do without you now H 

L-DLIBYH: We’re strong babe and we’ve grown and we aren’t gonna let life drag us down. I’m doing better, you’re doing better, this is what we wanted. And now any shit we go through, we’ll go through TOGETHER 

L-Too Young: Okay but looking back, that was a lot of shit we went through and we were just babies and i’m sorry for not fighting harder (i cant believe i gave in to the pressure when they said a love like this would never last so i cut you off cuz i didnt know no better) baby i tried, i tried to protect you but like it was just so much and i hate that you got hurt and i wont ever let that happen again. ALso go us for being mature and COMMUNICATING (face to face at the kitchen table, we can finally have a conversation that I wish we could’ve had before). ANd i know you’re an arrogant son of a bitch who can’t admit when he’s sorry so here let ME say i’m sorry that i hurt you darling. Like we were too young to know we had everything BUT now we’re old(er) and can realize that when we’re together, we DO have everything now and omg is this our happily ever after and we can have a daughter and name her Darcy 

L-Habit: do i need to spell it out for you iiiiii aaaaaaaaammmmmmm sssssssoooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrryyyyyyyy. But tbh i let you go because it felt right because mentally you were already out the door and i needed to give you room to grow babe. And i needed the space too (you gave me the time and the space i was out of control and i’m sorry i let you down). but like also i’ve learned i can’t escape you Styles. You’re always in my fucking heart and my fucking mind and in every essence of my being and somehow I knew that 9 years ago and it took me this long to realize how powerful this really is (guess that that i know what i already knew, i was better with you and i miss you now). Ooooh also my favorite line i wrote (took some time cuz i ran out of energy of playing someone I heard I’m supposed to be and honestly i dont have to choose anymore) like who am i kidding, im done pretending i just wanna be yoursss now

L-Defenseless: I can’t help it okay theres something about you that doesn’t let me stay away. I need you and I know that rekindling this relationship isn’t going to be easy even though it feels so so right. It’s going to be hard work (sleeping on our problems but we’ll solved them in our dreams, wake up early morning and it’s still under the sheets) and we need to communicate and solve our problems but here I am, raw and unfiltered and emotionally naked in front of you ready to lay it all on the table (not sure how to say this right, got so much to lose. NEver been so defenseless). So like this branch I’m reach out to you and you be honest with me too babe (you dont have to keep on being strong for me and you. Acting like you feel no pain, you know i know you do...I can’t get inside, when you’re lost in your pride but you don’t have a thing to prove). Be open with me. Lets talk. Let’s solve problems. Lets have an adult relationship. I’m asking for a little vulnerabiltiy babe. It’s just me. Theres nothing to be scared of

L-Walls: And here you have me in my purest form. No lies, no secrets, no insecurities to hide behind. Losing you was fucking painful but i got through it. I’ve been through hell and back and I’ve fought. And without you, I grew into the person I am. And any further growing i’m doing is gonna be with you. bc it was all for you babe. and honestly i can take anything life throws at me now. I’m strong baby. I’m fucking strong and fucking brave and fucking resilient and...fucking yours. ***** wtf is the I just hope i see you one day and you’ll say to me oh oh********

H-Golden: You are the literal sun and I’m not ready. YOU’RE SUCH A GOOD PERSON (you were way too bright for me, i’m hopeless, broken, so you wait for me in the sky). I’m scared to go through this alone, I need your comfort and your guidance (i can feel you take control of who i am and all i’ve ever known). But you’re scared to go through this with me bc you dont wanna get hurt and i’m too open so where tf does that leave us. ******this could be about coming out especially with the London AND NY secret shows where Harry added the lyric I’m hoping someday you’ll open*******

H-Adore You: You dont have to say you love me, you dont have to say nothing, you dont have to say you’re mine. I’d walk through fire for you. Just let me adore Lou. Like its the only thing I’ll ever do. read: Louis is a great person to just admire what he’s like. ALso I dont need anything back. I just dont want to hide my love for you anymore. I don’t need answers or promises. Just let me adore you. ********the music video is also basically a Louis appreciation post. He was the boy with the smile that the world took away from him. He found Harry lost and loved him and nurtured him and made him confident and allowed him to be who he wanted to be. But in doing so, Harry became big and unsatisfied and wanted to explore the world and was clearly interested in Hollywood and Rockstardom especially evident in his behavior 2014-2015. And Louis wasn’t about that life and didn’t want to hold him back. So he let him free. But they realized that they don’t work apart. Wherever they’re going, they’re going together, as the boy sails into the unknown following the fish. I see it as Harry’s version of “this one is a thank you for what you did for me” ************* I see it, I appreciate it, and I love you for it

H-Lights Up: ****fight with Louis. (What do you mean I’m sorry by the way) About coming out? About fame? (Step into the light, so bright sometimes) Either way, L is the guy driving the motorcycle in the video who makes H feel comfortable and safe until they get pulled over because SOMEONE wont let them love*******

H-Falling: What if i’m out, what if i’m someone you won’t talk about? Okay maybe I lied I do want you to claim me. Would me coming out of the closet make that hard for you? I CAN’T GO THROUGH AN IDENTITY CRISIS WITHOUT YOU LOU. I picked someone supportive and now I’m spoiled and I dont know how to be with myself. You want back in my life but what if I dont deserve it? (you said you cared and you missed me too...what i’m someone i dont want around). What if you’re better off without me? (i get the feeling that you’ll never need me again). I know youve been through so much shit because of me, things you’ve never even told me about and im afraid...that I wasn’t worth it. Am I being selfish? because either way, i want YOU (what if you’re someone i just want around). Does that make me a bad person? 

H-TBSL: ****Probably when they starting talking again but it was v casual and they didn’t really discuss their relationship yet*****. I MISS U BUT I WONT TELL U THAT and its nice to talk to u again i missed your voice but if u call me baby i will kill u bc that word has weight OKAY. Like i know you just call everyone babe and darling and sweetheart but baby is FOR ME and only for me when you wake up with me and cuddle me and if you think you have any right calling me baby without giving the luxury of being in a relationship with you then piss off because that shit hurts dude. (i know that you’re trying to be friends, know that you mean it...it’s hard for me to go home to be so lonely). ALso it’s not my fault i’m like this, you literally captured my heart when i was 16 like wtf do u expect (dont blame me for falling, i was just a little boy)

H-Sunflower Vol. 6: we were babies and i was so enamored by you and you’re so bright and beautiful and i want to watch you all day and make you smile and i want you to touch my hair and call me curly and i hope im not making you uncomfortable with my heart eyes but like how are you so perfect. I hope you think i’m cool, i’m really trying but like you’re SO FUNNY and charming and everyone loves you i hope im not embarassing myself. And now it’s like 8 years later and i think i can have you again and i want you so bad but i dont wanna seem too eager and im trying to have dignity and not text you first but like also i want nothing more than to talk to you. Do you think i’m cool now? did you like my new hairstyle? Do you think i’m funny on tour? I want everything i want to be domestic again and kiss in the kitchen and i want to cook for you and as;ldfa;sdhaf i want to buy you flowers everyday and shower ur cute face with kiss. boopx28 

H-Canyon Moon: Hell yea i got ma man back and i have a girlfriend named Jennifer ;) and we are domestic and even though I HATE being away from him for work (so hard to leave it) we have the 2 week rule yall then i can wrap my legs around him and after so so so long I’ll be h.o.m.e. Also did i tell you his eyes are so so blue like sky who i dont know her

H-TPWK: So we’re really doing this. We don’t need to have it all figured out. We can just be us. and happy. and dance. The world loves us babe. (Giving second chances, I don’t need all the answers and if we’re here long enough we’ll see it’s all for us and we’ll belong)

H-Fine Line: You’ve got my devotion but man I can hate you sometimes....We’ll be a fine line. Between what? love and hate? public and private? out and in the closet? each others’ and ourselves? Idk. But i’m going to swallow my pride (my hands at risk I fold) because no matter what, the worst possible outcome is not having you. And I never wanna go through that again. I know we have work to do on our relationship (spreading you open is the only way I know you). And there’s lot of unknown here (there’s things that we’ll never know) but what i do know is that i cant resist you (you sunshine you temptress) and i cant be without you ever again. I think it’ll be hard as hell. But when have we known love as anything but hard? And when have we known our love as anything but worth it? We’ll be a fine line baby. But i know, i knowww with every part of me that we’ll be alright. Because these past 10 years, we’ve been through A LOT. ANd it could have ruined us and made us cynical and cold and closed off. And I think at one point it did. But you know what we did? We fought it. We fought it together. Then we fought it individually. And we became BRAVE. And a brilliant man once said, “love is only for the brave”.