#idk i have seen several things that are like 'oh death is freedom death is when pain ends'

[elmflowers]

the way some pe/rcy jackson fans talk about death disconcerts me. girlie we are slipping dangerously into some suicidal ideation territory. lets calm down and rethink how we are approaching death again

[merminns]

No regrets

Erwin Smith x Reader

❧ Request: Hii may i request...Erwin angst...when (S3 spoiler) Erwin march toward the 🐒 with the other soldier, instead of him tht went, it was the reader. Reader just cant make the humanity lost their commander so when he is distracting (idk something happened) reader just take their horse n march with the soldiers, (then do ur magic DETAILS like ur erwin stories✨✨) n levi also decide not to save us like in the s3....shshsh i know this lame :33

❧ Content/Warnings: platonic levi x reader, season 3 spoilers, angst, mentions of injuries and blood, reader dies in the end 

❧ Word count: 3k

❧ Notes: this is a repost from my old blog

Going back to shiganshina after all of these years was a huge deal. Especially after the glorious send-off you were given by the citizens of Wall Rose. You came back to reclaim Wall Maria after six long years, you’re taking back your land and defeating the titans that filled your hearts with terror, cause that’s what heroes do.

But in reality, it didn’t really feel that way to you. Instead of being the hero who’s facing their fear, you feel like a terrified child living in a nightmare.

You expected a fight with the titans, of course, you did. Taking back your land won’t come without a fight, without losses. And it’s not your first time facing titans.

You’ve been fighting them for years now, getting rid of them one after the other alongside your friends. Your records are filled with a decent number of kills and you are proud of it.

But this… this is different, you’ve never been in this situation before. You fought titans and you watched them kill your comrades in the worst ways imaginable, but never in your various years within the survey corps did you ever imagine that these monsters would show this tactical intelligence.

It made the hairs on the back of your neck stand on end. Titans are a nightmare on their own, with intelligence like that you’re surely done for.

When you came to shiganshina you expected a fight against the armored and the colossal, even the beast titan, but not a tactical war with pure titans that follow command, and most certainly not rocks killing your most skilled comrades and caging you against the wall.

Despite your fear, you felt a sarcastic chuckle slip past your lips. You’ve lived for years with nightmares of being eaten, and now you’re dying in a titan game of baseball, how pathetic.

Your eyes drifted to Erwin and Levi who were having a private conversation nearby as you tried to calm the panicking recruits. Erwin… your commander, your love, the man who never knew how to back down. He's not in the best physical state, but he just had to come along. He had to be here even though he knew he won't be able to fight.

Despite the fear eating at your heart, you kept your composure, that’s the least you owed your commander. After the recruits calmed down, you made your way to where Erwin and Levi stood. Their conversation halted as you stood in front of them, their eyes holding something unreadable in their depth.

"I'm hoping these looks mean you came up with a plan… " You spoke, your voice coming with the quiver you never hoped to show.

A moment of silence passed, a look shared between Erwin and Levi… if this meant anything then you weren’t about to hear good news. There was tension in the air as Erwin explained his plan to you. It was then that you understood the look in their eyes, you think a similar one can be seen in your eyes now.

It finally dawned on you that this is the end. There is no way out of this war alive. Erwin's plan had a single meaning; if you keep standing where you are, you'll be flattened by the rocks thrown at you by the beast, and if you fight back, you die. You'll have to give your lives so Levi could deal with the Beast Titan.

You always knew this day would come. A war with the titans can’t end without casualties. The survey corps numbers were always changing. These are all facts, but you had hoped it wouldn’t be like this.

The fear was eating at your insides, it’s impossible to face titans without it, but you knew ever since your very first day with the corps that you’ll have to be ready to give your life. You were ready to accept it… that is, until Erwin spoke up again.

"We'd have to ask these young people to give up their lives. You'd need the skills of a first-rate con man to come up with a reason that convincing, so I doubt any of them would charge forward unless I was leading the way."

His words are like a slap back to reality, it wasn’t just your life you were giving. All of your remaining comrades will have to give theirs too, including the commander. The survey corps are going to be wiped out in a crazy move of mass suicide. But it wasn’t only your lives that would have to be given, and all it took was one look in Erwin’s eyes to know where this was going.

"Which would mean I'd be the first to die, " Erwin said and you held your breath waiting for his next words "without ever learning… what was in that basement."

You knew it, you knew this was coming but it still hurt. Amid this chaos, you managed to forget the reason why Erwin insisted to be here in the first place.

'Oh, Erwin, if only you weren't so stubborn' The words were dancing on the tip of your tongue but you couldn’t speak.

Of course, Erwin has dreams, he’s just as much of a human as everyone here. While most of the corps were fighting for freedom or revenge, Erwin was fighting for the truth, for evidence that his father’s death meant something.

The look of shock on Levi’s face came nowhere close to the pain you felt. You joined the scouts for a purpose, too. Your dream was freedom, you hoped to be free of the confinement and the terror that the existence of the titans brought. But, now that you think about it, you did get a taste of freedom.

You were free from the confinement of the walls on your horse, feeling the air rushing through your hair and over your skin every time you went out on an expedition.

You were free of terror every time you raised your swords to cut through the nape of a titan’s neck. Every time you brought a titan down you had a taste of the freedom you were chasing.

And the people who fought for revenge, didn’t they get that too? They killed titans, they felt the satisfaction of getting rid of the enemy who hurt them and their loved ones.

The only dream that was never given a chance was Erwin’s. How unfair could the world be to take away the only chance from the man who helped give almost every soldier in the scouts a taste of their dreams? No… he can’t die, not yet.  

You let Erwin give his speech. That’s one thing that no one else can do. Erwin is the only one who can convince the recruits, crying out in fear, to stand tall and fight back as they take their last breaths of the air filled with the smell of dust and death.

As Erwin and the recruits were absorbed in their final thoughts and the speech, you slightly pulled on Levi’s sleeve pulling him back several steps.

The first step of your plan came into action as you answered Levi’s questioning look with a whisper “I want you to distract him.”

“What?” Levi asked, the confusion only growing on his face.

“I want you to distract Erwin. He is giving his speech, I’ll lead the recruits to their death,” you say, your whole being pleading that Levi would agree to help you. He has to, this won’t work out without his help.

“But—”

“Levi, please. The scouts still need him, you know that!” you pause glancing back at Erwin to make sure he’s not listening “When it’s time to move, I want you to pull him aside, tell him it’s something important. It’ll only take a few seconds, then you can carry out your part of the plan and kill the beast.”

“And how do you plan to stop Erwin from following you?”

“I’ll take any extra horses with me, he won’t be able to help you kill the beast and his odm gear won’t do much for him to follow after me,” you held your breath, your eyes pleading. This has to work “Please! Just do me this final favor.”

A moment passed as Levi glanced at Erwin then back to you, his expression unreadable. It was obvious your sacrifice isn’t just for the sake of the corps. “...Fine, but you’ll have to be quick”

“I’ll do my best… Thank you, Levi” the smile that spread across your face was blinding. It held so much gratitude, a final thank you combined with a goodbye.

It didn’t take long for Erwin’s words to give everyone back their composure. You helped everyone fall in line as fast as possible. You are running out of time. The houses around you are almost flattened. You have to move forward, this has to work. You can’t fail this, it has to be meaningful, for you, for the recruits who’ll pay their lives with you, for the whole of humanity… and most importantly, for Erwin.

Everyone is on their horses but it’s not time to move yet. You let your eyes meet Levi’s for one last time giving him a slight nod, signaling for him that you’re ready as you settled on your horse.

Levi stopped Erwin from riding his horse beside you, telling him there’s something important that he has to know first and pulling him aside. He walked Erwin as far from you and the recruits as possible without making it seem suspicious.

Erwin followed urgently after Levi not even allowing you one last look at his face. But that was ok, you didn’t need to see his face, it was already burned to the back of your eyelids.

It all took a few seconds, once you saw Levi and Erwin start talking you took hold of Erwin’s horse and started screaming encouragements for the recruits to charge as you rushed forward. Erwin’s shock had him freeze for a couple of seconds and that was enough for you.

You charged forward with the recruits right after you. Levi waited for a few more seconds to make sure Erwin wouldn’t follow after you. When he was sure you were far enough he took off towards his target, leaving Erwin standing there alone his eyes wide in shock.

Your screams of encouragement were so loud, louder than Erwin ever heard them. They were loud enough that even though you were too far away for him to follow he could still hear your voice filled with determination.

You didn’t look back, there was no reason to. This is the right decision, this plan will work and Erwin will lead what’s left of the scouts to victory. Your life is a small price to pay, it’s nothing compared to the rest of the lives that were already lost.

You can see the beast drawing his hand back, getting ready to shower you with the next round of crushed boulders. Your yelling never stopped even though your throat was running sore from all the screaming.

You didn’t stop when the flares were shot, not when the rocks started showering the frontline lead by you. You didn’t stop when the rocks started growing larger in your vision, you hardly even saw them. All you could see was the future, a bright one without the titans and the fear and the pain. You could see the past, the best and the worst of it. All the memories that you shared with every single one of your comrades.

You kept yelling for everyone to rush forward as tears ran down your face. It’s going to be ok, you had all you ever needed. It was time for you to follow through the same path your fallen comrades walked.

Your screams were cut short when the first rock hit you, sharp pain running through your whole body and the world started spinning as you fell off your horse. The tears still filling your eyes helped blind you, sharp whistles filling your ears and the ever-growing pain flowing through you in waves.

You could hear screams of the fallen around you, hidden behind the ringing in your ears. You could feel the air rushing across your skin as the soldiers rushed past you on their horses. Your mind was as paralyzed with pain as your body.

You just laid on the ground, your tear-filled eyes directed to the blue of the sky but the world has lost its color. It went on forever until you were numb, you have lost all feeling, the only thing you can hear is the sound of your heart growing faint as the blood pooled around your body.

You let your eyelids cover your eyes like curtains, your mind swimming somewhere between consciousness and an endless void. You could hardly feel a thing.

It almost felt like falling asleep, your grasp on reality slipping away. But through the back of your mind, the tiny part that was still conscious could feel your body being moved by someone and a rapid rush of air running across your skin.

It gave a jolt to your brain as if something is trying to pull you back to reality but you were too weak. All you wanted was some rest, you just wanted to sleep.

It was a shock to everyone that you’re still alive. You were in bad shape after losing so much blood. Your breath was faint, but it was there and it was enough for you to be revived by the injection. Armin’s state was worse, the fact he was still breathing was a complete miracle, his whole burned away.

Through your clouded consciousness, you could register voices and movement around your body that laid motionless close to Armin’s. It took everything in you to open your eyes, to try to make out the words being yelled back and forth around you.

Through your blurry vision, you could make out the outline of a face so close to yours, peering down at you. You couldn’t see clearly but you knew it was Erwin. Your hearing wasn’t fully registered but you could make out a few words, things like ‘Armin’, ‘Injection’, ‘need’, and your name.

Your foggy mind could barely understand what was going on, but questions started to fill up the part of your consciousness still present.

Were you dying? The last thing you remember is sharp pain rushing through you in waves, but it seems more like a distant memory.

Was Armin dying? If there are mentions of Levi’s injection then this surely is the case.

A few seconds passed when a new figure appeared in your limited line of vision looking down at you over Erwin’s shoulder. Both of them shifted around until the short figure disappeared again, leaving you with Erwin.

Erwin’s voice was so close to your ears, faint whispers about how it’s going to be alright falling past his lips. You felt a huge hand wrap gently around your forearm, followed by a sharp object touching your arm. The injection!

“No,” The barely audible whisper that left you halted Erwin’s actions as his eyes shot to your face “Did we win?”

It felt like too much time has passed before you heard Erwin’s reply “Yes, it’s over”

You were using up too much of your energy to fight back the fog filling your mind. Just a few seconds more, a few more and you’ll allow yourself some rest.

“Save… Armin” your voice was growing weaker, breaths growing shorter.

It broke Erwin’s heart. He was once again being selfish, everyone else chose to save you because you had more experience. To them, you were more valuable to the scouts, with the exception of Armin’s friends who couldn’t accept the fact of him dying.

And Erwin? He wasn’t much different. He wanted to save you because he needed to. He needed to scold you for the stupid move you pulled. He needed to tell you that he would’ve preferred dying by your side than be faced with your death. He needed you to live.

You didn’t understand, he can’t let you die. There was no time for him to explain how valuable you are to the scouts, how valuable you are to him.

He was about to ignore what you said, bring the syringe back to your arm again but with the almost non-existent strength you had, you pulled away.

“Armin” you whispered again, weakly. Your strength wasn’t enough for you to pull back completely, just slightly shift your arm away from the sharp needle, but it was enough to send your message across.

Erwin understood. You were never as selfish as him. You always made the decisions that would benefit the ones you care about most. Erwin took a shaky breath, the composure he usually kept was there for everyone’s eyes, but he wasn’t as composed on the inside.

Armin is a valuable soldier. He is an essential part of the scouts and you understood that. He should be the one to live. And Erwin knew this fight would make no difference if he couldn’t throw everything he had away.

He was ready to throw his dreams and his life away, but you chose for him. You decided he’d keep his life and dreams but in exchange, he’d have to give you up.

After injecting Armin and pulling your weak body away, Erwin stayed by your side. He kept his one hand placed on your heart, waiting for the faint beating to completely stop. And it would have lasted longer if you hadn’t used up so much energy.

To your weak mind, this was the right decision. Armin would do more change for the scouts, for humanity than you ever could. You had no regrets, you’ve got everything you ever asked for.

You allowed your eyes to rest again, let the energy leave your body. And with the last few seconds your breath was there, you could register one whisper. I love you.

Masterlist | Share thoughts with me ☺

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 289: Looks Like the Gang’s All Here

Previously on BnHA: Horikoshi was all “you guys don’t really need to know what’s gonna happen to Deku and Shouto right now” and cut away to Toga and Ochako before anyone could get a word in. Skeptic utilized the power of Freak Shounen Coincidence to magically zero in on Ochako and Tsuyu amongst the fleeing crowd. Toga was all “IS THAT OCHAKO” and immediately leaped down to fight them, ignoring Spinner’s heartfelt speeches about Villain Found Family because fight now, hug later!! Down in the streets of some unidentified crumbling city, Ochako was approached by a sweet old lady and was all “I better help this sweet old lady who is definitely not leading me into a trap”, which unfortunately turned out to be poor decision-making on her part. Anyway so now she and Toga are going to throw down. AND ALSO, P.S., BEST JEANIST IS STILL ALIVE, and that doesn’t really have anything to do with anything right now, but BY GOLLY I JUST HAD TO SHOUT IT FROM THE ROOFTOPS.

Today on BnHA: Iida and Hadou are all “is it our turn yet”, and Horikoshi is all “yes”, and so the two of them finally burst onto the scene and are all “hello Shouto, Gigantomachia is on his way, btw do you need help” and so they all get ready to fight Tomura together. Meanwhile in Unnamed Ochako And Toga Fight Town, Toga is all “what’s up Ochako, oh is this the All Might doll Deku gave you, I guess you must like Deku as well, just like me, we truly are the same, btw I can use other people’s quirks now” before she vanishes in a flurry of knives and ambiguity, as mysteriously as she came. So that’s a thing that happened. The chapter ends with Gigantomachia and the League STOMPIN’ ONTO THE SCENE, JUST IN TIME FOR ENDEAVOR TO WAKE UP AND BE ALL “OHHHHH SHIT.” YOU’RE DAMN RIGHT, “OH SHIT.” Finally the pieces are in place for Dabi to reveal his true identity to Hadou and Iida, JUST LIKE WE ALL EXPECTED.

before I start, thank you so much to everyone who sent birthday messages on Wednesday!! I had a good day; my quarantine impulse purchase guitar that I ordered months ago but had been backordered finally arrived, and so now I can do something productive with my time as I continue to while away these months in isolation! not to say that capslocking over fictional characters and their shounen escapades doesn’t also count as being productive lmao. anyways, my fingers hurt so typing is kind of a bitch right now, but I’m having fun still. IF KAMINARI CAN DO IT THEN SO CAN I

anyway so let’s see what mishaps my various catastrophe-prone children are getting up to this week

okay there are several things happening in this panel which I want to comment on

IIDA!!!

HADOU!!!

“some time after” jesus fucking christ though, how long have Deku and the rest actually been fighting?? like it’s absolutely absurd to imagine that they’ve been managing to hold off Tomura for more than a few minutes, and yet everything we’ve seen these last couple of chapters suggests that this is indeed the case. which is just pure insanity tbh. excuse me sir, but I have an emotionally maturing son, a homewrecking grandpa, and a sleep-deprived one-legged platonic husband who are all in DIRE NEED of medical attention just FYI

lastly, I direct your attention to these two cool cats in the background who are both riding on hover surfboards. living it up like it’s Back to the Future. why are there two of them. do they both just happen to have the exact same quirk. what are the odds. ARE THEY TWINS. I want to know everything about them dammit

anyway so Hadou is asking Iida why he’s tagging along, because unlike the others, he can’t fly and is thus vulnerable to Tomura’s attacks and such

well Hadou I’ll have you know that it his DUTY AS THE CLASS PRESIDENT to tag along and THAT’S WHY

oh shit you guys IIDA SAID “FUCK THE LAW”

“plus Bakugou-kun, whom I am not particularly close to, but nonetheless hold nothing personal against!” well uh, kind of a weird distinction to make there bro, but okay. listen everyone, it’s a tense situation; if Iida feels the need to clarify the ins and outs of his interpersonal relationships with each of the people he’s rescuing then please just respect that okay

anyways though have I mentioned how much I fucking love Iida Tenya though you guys. feels like I haven’t mentioned that enough. I LOVE HIM. there

FINALLY

AFTER THREE WHOLE WEEKS WE FINALLY CUT BACK. OH MY GOD. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW LONG OF A TIME THAT IS TO BE HOLDING YOUR BREATH. [EXHALES]

is it bad that my immediate reaction to this page was A LOT OF LAUGHING, though. fkldlksh this entire situation is SO ABJECTLY TERRIBLE that if I were Shouto I would almost be fighting the urge to look around for a hidden camera at this point. ASHTON KUTCHER WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING HERE. OH THANK GOD, IT WAS ALL JUST A PRANK

anyway so uh. heh. how screwed are we at this point, exactly. oh and also, whose speech bubbles are these. who the fuck would look at this situation and these bleeding children and say “HA!” what kind of monster. just ignore that paragraph right before this one please

OH SHIT, OH SHIT, OH SHIT

TOMURA I CANNOT BELIEVE I’M SAYING THIS, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO AFO FOR ONCE AND JUST LEAVE

pretty please. we kind of have a situation here. not that I wouldn’t love to see what this icy flamey boi could do if push came to shove, but I also have had just about enough of watching children get maimed for today though

OH SHIT

THE TIMING OF THIS MAKES ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE AT ALL BUT I DO NOT CARE!! THE CAVALRY HAS ARRIVED THANK GOD

“WHAT UP GUYS, WE BROUGHT YOU SOME TERRIBLE NEWS” FKLSHLKHLK

WELL GEE IIDA THANKS SO FUCKING MUCH!!

lmaoooo a wild Lida has been spotted what the fuck is this translation though

I don’t know which is better, the “Lida” (DO YOU EVEN READ THE SERIES BRO), or the “CHRIST” gkfhkg. CLASSIC LIDA

OH SNAP HADOU

sobbing at Manual cradling the still-warm corpse of Gran Torino like a tiny baby khlk;h. BUT ANYWAYS HADOU SAW HER TEACHER ALL BLOODIED UP AND IS READY TO THROW DOWN, YESSSSS, THE MY LADIES ACADEMIA ARC CONTINUES

(ETA: listen you guys, there were many things at the end of this chapter that brought me joy, but perhaps none more than the inclusion of Hadou in the final two page spread looking all serious alongside the Todorokis, as if she has any fucking clue at all wtf is going on slfkhlkhgghsl. what I wouldn’t give to see her and Deku and Iida all making frantic bewildered eye contact at each other throughout the next chapter lmao.)

GOD FUCKING DAMMIT DEKU

ARE YOU PROPPING YOURSELF UP WITH YOUR ARM THAT’S IN SPLINTERS, I CAN’T EVEN BELIEVE YOU RIGHT NOW. SOMEONE PLEASE SLAP SOME SENSE INTO THIS CHILD. SIT YOUR ASS DOWN

LMAO TODO’S READY TO TAKE AFOMURA ON. THE SHARED HERO BRAINCELL HAS ALREADY EXPIRED. FUCK IT LET’S DO THIS

“true, I already watched him murder my dad, my boyfriend, my other boyfriend, my teacher, and dozens of other people, but gosh darn it, I just feel like the fifteenth time’s the charm you guys.” shit, I ain’t even mad. who’s up for yet another episode of Todoroki Shouto Attempts to Murder a Bitch

-- “TIME TO CUT AWAY!!” laughs Horikoshi as he gleefully dodges out of reach before I can punch him, that SON OF A --

goddammit. you’re just lucky that I’m invested in the girl power fight too

YESSSSS OCHAKO

DON’T BE SORRY FOR KICKING ASS! NEVER BE SORRY FOR KICKING ASS

damn, looks like she managed to touch Toga’s shirt but not Toga herself. both of them are so fast

now Toga is monologuing from the shadows

we’ve all been there, Toga. sometimes you see someone you really like and it’s just like, ahhhhhh gotta kill them am I right

lol I love Toga so much you guys, but I’m also kind of wincing in anticipation of whatever essays are gonna materialize out of the fandom this week explaining how hero society has failed her utterly and she is just a victim here. CAN YOU NOT SEE HOW SHE JUST WANTED FREEDOM TO BE HERSELF AND MURDER A BUNCH OF PEOPLE flhkklhl

OH SNAP SHE WENT AND TOLD HER THE THING!!

and it was fucking awesome and scary as shit, Ochako. like damn, still sends a chill up my spine just thinking about it

anyway so now Toga is continuing to explain that she can use the quirks of whoever she transforms into

and Ochako is kind of freaking out, which I don’t blame her for, since it’s probably really upsetting to hear that your stolen blood and quirk were used to murder a bunch of people. shit

so now she’s all “WTF WHY WOULD YOU EVEN TELL ME THAT”

??? was this somehow the wrong answer?

for fuck’s sake. Toga you literally came down here to ask her if she would be willing to kill you, and here she is telling you “I would never be happy about killing someone, that’s fucked up”, and you’re all “......”

like come on though, what else do you want her to say?? and why does Ochako look so shocked now

OOP

LMAO

THEIR FACES DKSLHFKG. TOGA NO THAT IS MEAN. and jesus christ Ochako it’s just a toy. I know it has Sentimental Value and shit but is this really the thing to be getting distracted about right now

FOR FUCK’S SAKE

JIN-KUN WHOM OCHAKO HAS NEVER FUCKING MET?? THAT JIN-KUN??!

OM NOM NOM

this entire confrontation makes absolutely zero sense to me you guys. just. Horikoshi was all, “this is the kind of stuff girls talk about when they’re battling to the death, right?” just, are you okay my dude

anyway so Toga has somehow deduced that Ochako got the doll from Deku, which means that she and Ochako are exactly alike in every way, and this is somehow an important plot point, and now they’re finally getting back to the fight lulz

OH SHIT

OCHAKO BOUT TO SLAP THE SHIT OUT TOGA WITH THIS BOOKCASE ON A STRING AND THIS LOUIS BAG OH FUCK

so now Toga’s all excited and she’s all “THERE’S SOMETHING I OUGHT TO TELL YOU, I’M NOT LEFT HANDED EITHER” oh snap

fuck, it almost feels like she’s trying to warn her. Ochako idk maybe you should run shit I do not like this ( ﾟдﾟ)

but of course she is not running, and she’s all “I’ll have you take responsibility for your actions”

HEY NOW

WHAT IS FUCKING HAPPENING, DID TOGA JUST FUCKING MURDER TSUYU, WHAT THE FUCK. I AM TERRIFIED, I DON’T WANT TO SCROLL DOWN, SHE THREW LIKE FOURTEEN KNIVES INTO THE DARKNESS, WHAT THE FUCK

OH

IT’S POSSIBLE THAT I MAY HAVE OVERREACTED

so did Toga just Swip a bunch of knives for no reason and then abscond, lol what. CAN ANYBODY PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT THE PURPOSE OF THAT ENTIRE SCENE WAS. ASIDE FROM GETTING TO SEE OCHAKO TRY AND YEET A BOOKCASE AT SOMEONE

fuck, she was crying??

DID MY GIRL TOGA JUST KILL AN OLD WOMAN, NAKEDLY LURE OCHAKO INTO A BUILDING, ANTAGONIZE HER INTO SAYING “I’LL MAKE YOU TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR KILLING A BUNCH OF PEOPLE JUST BECAUSE YOU FELT LIKE IT”, STEAL HER DOLL, GIVE HER DOLL BACK, TELL HER “OH SO YOU LIKE DEKU TOO HUH? BTW I CAN USE OTHER PEOPLE’S QUIRKS”, AND THEN RUN AWAY CRYING??? BRUH

-- OH SHIT, OH FUCK

[SIRENS BLARING WILDLY] [AUDIENCE LEAPING OUT OF THEIR SEATS] [T-SHIRT CANNONS BOOMING IN THE AIR] [VIKING WAR HORN SOUNDS IN THE DISTANCE] FUUUUUUUUUCK

well never the fuck mind about Ochako and Toga and WHATEVER THE FUCK THAT ALL WAS SUPPOSED TO BE, I guess, BECAUSE!! MACHIA MADNESS HAS ARRIVED. SPEARS SHALL BE SHAKEN!!! SHIELDS SHALL BE SPLINTERED!!

AND LOOK WHO WOKE UP FROM HIS NUMBER ONE HERO BEAUTY NAP RIGHT ON CUE, TOO!!! ATTENTION ALL PASSENGERS... IIIIIIIIIIT’S TOUYA TIMEEEEEEEE

[scarmander]

Women, power and anger

An analysis of Game of Throne’s misogyny regarding Daenerys Targaryen in the last two seasons.

This is a very long rant. It’s over 4000 words. I needed to get this off my chest because it helps with my grieving process. 

A quick summary: I try to figure out when the show decided they wanted to go with the ‘Mad Queen’ bullshit theory. I try to undertand why they’ve done her so dirty lately. Spoiler alert. It’s not pretty.

So, if you want to know 

Game of Thrones has been known for its brutality, its shocking twists and deaths and ruthless scriptwriting. It is also known for having ‘strong’ female characters amidst broken journeys and fallen heroes. In a sea of raped, enslaved, prostituted and belittled women our female protagonists were born. From those patriarchaly imposed positions of subordination Daenerys Stormborn, Yara Greyjoy, Missandei of Naath, Brienne of Tarth, Sansa Stark and Arya Stark were hatched from the fossilized shells of the broken bodies and souls the male characters had made of them. They rose from their own ashes, time and time again, made themselves stronger with every blow men would throw their way. We watched them grow, evolve, fear, feel, fail and win for years, watched them become more than what their society wanted them to be, more than what they were allowed to be. They became rule-breakers, game changers, rulers and warriors. But that was until the show had decided that the end was coming and everything ought to be put back into order. The patriarchal one, that is.

It is my belief that everything changed the moment when Daenerys Targaryen, undoubtedly the most empowered and powerful woman on this show, decided to sail for Westeros with her fleet, three female allies (Yara Greyjoy, Ellaria Sand, Olenna Tyrell), the three dragons she had given birth to and the ‘largest army the world had ever seen’. Imagine the audacity of a woman accomplishing all of that. So, it is on this character that I will put my focus on, I’m also super fucking biased, but whatever, I would gladly do an entire essay on how they’re ruining every female character in this show. Anyway, back to Dany T. main female protagonist, the woman with the most amount of screen time (behind the two male protagonists Jon and Tyrion).

Let’s talk about the audience’s opinion of Daenerys. Truth be told, Daenerys’ influence and might as a character has already greatly surpassed the show’s realm, and that for a very long time. Even in the first seasons where she didn’t actually get that much screen time, she made a mark. And she has grown increasingly more so over the years. She has become an icon of pop culture to the point where people who are unfamiliar with the show recognize her. Now, this might have in part been facilitated by her peculiar looks and strange-sounding name, but Daenerys Targaryen is known worldwide for having power. She is primarily known for one thing: she has dragons. She’s the Dragon Queen, the Mother of Dragons. And those dragons are the physical representation of her inner strength. The only reason she has those dragons is because she walked into her husband’s funeral pyre and hatched them from stone like she hatched herself out of the stony shell of a weary, fearful teenage girl the world had forced her into being. And out of that pyre came out dragons and a woman with so much might the world watched in awe. Some people may call her Khaleesi, an unusual title which has stuck into people’s minds to the point where non-watchers recognize the title as her name. She is the most recognizable character in the show to the point where her hair colour has been a trend that has become every hair stylist’s worst nightmare, where people have named their children and pets after her and her title. She is also noticeably the show’s best marketing strategy, she is the one with the most personally dedicated amount of merchandising, and is relentlessly used by HBO’s marketing team to promote the show. But I digress. Sort of. The amount of power her character has both on and off-screen is indisputable and is probably what led us to the gigantic mess that has been season 8. She has too much power. Even away from the show’s narrative. She has had an impact on women. She has marked us, branded us with her might. And the show does not know how to handle this.

So, Daenerys, one of the most iconic female characters of this generation goes to Westeros. Unluckily for her, her arrival into Westeros also coincided into her arriving into the male protagonist’s territory. And that was the show’s last straw in deciding to let women have that much power. This is her fatal flaw, existing in the same realm as the male protagonist. The writers realized right then and there that they had greatly miscalculated. Because of how much power they had let Daenerys accumulate over the years she had spent far far away from the male protagonist’s character arc, she had become a threat to the sacred male character’s hero journey.  See, that’s the issue with having a strong female character that you let grow into her own power for 7 seasons, where she is free to go into conflict with men after men after men who all share the same unlucky traits: they are all both non-white and not the main male protagonist. So, Daenerys brings them all to their doom, they try to tackle her, try to diminish her, take her power away. They try, all of them, so many times. And they all inevitably fail. Because she is powerful. And men and women alike bow to her when they realize her might and her power. She is a goddess incarnate, dragons or not. She is so powerful fire dares not harm her. She is unique, mystical, mythical and strong. And not only is she powerful and strong, she is beloved by her people, her own soldiers follow her not out of fear but out of complete devotion, because she frees them, gives them the freedom she had wished someone would give her and finally realized she had to give to herself. She is a woman. She is their mother. She has power. She frees people, loves them, inspires them and has so much power the world shakes beneath her feet and fire fears her wrath.

And then comes season 7, along with Jon Snow, D&D, and Tyrion’s shitty battle plans. Whatever, it’s all one and the same. It’s all there to take her out piece by piece. That’s it, that’s been the show for two seasons now and I wish I had realized it earlier. I mean, I had my moments of realization here and there, but damn was I severely unprepared.

In Season 7 episode 2, Daenerys has a council made up of 4 women (Olenna, Ellaria, Yara, Missandei) and 3 men (Varys, Tyrion, Theon – and I’m only including Theon out of pity). By episode 3, Daenerys has 1 woman – Missandei, who unlike the other women does not advise her on military tactics – left in her council, and just as many men. Hell, by episode 5, she has gained three more men who ‘advise’, or more accurately question her every move. Jorah (I mean not you bby, come back to us), Jon and Davos, who is more of a comic relief personal pep-talker than anything else. But Varys and Tyrion’s advice grows like ivy and tries to strangle Daenerys from every angle. They try to control her more and more with every episode.

How the hell did I not notice right there and then where this was going? I don’t know, call me blinded by love.

How the hell did Daenerys end up with so few women left in her council? Men happened. The writers, the characters, all of them. That is literally the first thing they did to her storyline in season 7. It went something like this:

1) Get Daenerys to Dragonstone.

2) Get Ellaria and Yara out and destroy some of those ships, she has too many ships, that’s bad, can’t have her be too powerful.

3) Get Olenna out, but like, not at the exact same time because that would be too conspicuous, let’s wait another episode or two. Oh, and take out some of those Unsullied soldiers and even more of her fleet.

4) After one fucking badass battle let’s kill two random traitor assholes who have sided with the queen who murdered their former queen and daughter of their liege lord, their liege lord, their liege lord’s son and a good chunk of King’s Landing’s population on the field of battle who have refused her generous offer to get their titles and lands back if they just join her against the murderous queen. And also that one offer of going to the wall to protect the realm. They refuse. She kills them. Tough luck, bitch. Bad choice, should have probably offered them a cup of tea and a warm blanket instead as they went back to King’s Landing to fight you and kill your army at their nearest convenience. You fucked up because idk, Dickon was kinda hot I guess. Yeah and also they have names and one relative people know on the show, so that’s bad for you. Randyll and Dickon Tarly. You don’t know it yet, but this one is gonna be bad for you because you are now evil and your hand and his shitty bff are now saying you are mad. Maybe you should have been, maybe you should have killed them both too. If only. Sigh.

5) Have her lose a dragon. Give it to the Night King instead, she is too powerful.

6) Have her fall in love with the man who would bring her doom. Have her save his life. Have her think that maybe she deserves something good as she grieves her child’s death. They decide he’s the one who is going to kill her. Because having her become mad isn’t bad enough. She has to be killed by the one man she has let herself love not out of obligation but out of mutual admiration.

7) Make her promise to help defeat the Night King and go North to fight him.

Now, they take all that away from her. But they give her a love story with Jon Snow in return. And you think, alright, at least she’s not alone in this world.

And then we move on to season 8. The ultimate acceleration of events because they realized that they needed to wrap this shit up and that people didn’t hate her enough. So, Season 8 is where you learn that the plot twist to end them all was that Jon Snow was going to be the one who destroyed everything Daenerys has and is and will be the death of her. Groundbreaking work there. I wonder if GRRM has the same ending planned. So here’s the plan in Season 8:

1) Get Daenerys to WinterHell. Everyone is behaving like assholes. Bran is a cold little bitch who’s like “remember your dragon? Your dead dragon? He’s back and now he wants us all dead yayyy” and she has like zero seconds to process it because ‘we don’t have time for all this’. But you know what we have time for? Sansa hating her. The xenophobic MAGAs hating her. That’s valuable screentime. Sansa hates her for daring to bring her SoLdIeRs to her HoUsE and her DrAgOnS who she can’t believe are there to fight. Sansa brings up food issues when she knows the wall has been breached and the Night King is bound to arrive very shortly. She knows Daenerys isn’t going to stay here very long. Doesn’t matter. She (the writers) wants to be angry and petty and so she is. Because we couldn’t possibly have women collaborating on this show. Not after last season! Notice how they left out every single woman in Dany’s circle? Cause who would want THAT. Am I right MEN? I hope the meninists are having a good time.

2) Jon doesn’t comfort her much, doesn’t defend her much. He’s there. Like, he’s a physical man who barely says anything and is there. His purpose is to be… There, I guess. Good for him. He has everyone’s support anyway. He’s a man and he’s there. That’s all they ask of him. He’s not formally the King but he is the King anyway. He has the power. He makes the decisions. He’s a man.

3) Daenerys gives Jon access to her dragon. The one she gave metaphorical birth to. The one she walked into a pyre for. He has it. He has access to her power.

4) Jon now knows who he is. The man who tells him is that one relative of the family that Daenerys killed last season. He hates her. He tells Jon to take her throne, that it’s his anyway because he’s a man. He says that Daenerys is evil and should bend the knee to him. Jon then ignores Daenerys for at least an entire day while she has to face the man who killed her father, made her a homeless orphan on the run who lived on the streets, in fear, running away from assassins. She is angry but listens to a woman’s tale about him, asks for Jon’s opinion on the matter. She lets him have the decision.

5) The Night King comes. Daenerys’ armies are first in line and defend WinterHell with everything they have. Daenerys herself is first in line. Jon Snow wants to wait around. Daenerys has a sudden jolt of independence run through her spine, claims back her own authority and climbs on her dragon, burns as many wights as she can. Jon Snow follows her mechanically, like a lost puppy, gets attacked by the Night King and Viserion. This injures Rhaegal. Daenerys knocks evil Mr. Freeze down from HER precious bby boy and tries to burn him. It doesn’t work. She saves Jon’s life a second time in the process. And then a third, risking her and her dragon’s life for him. She ends up on the ground, with her oldest friend with a sword made of dragonglass and fights for her life. Her oldest friend dies in her arms.

6) And so it goes down from here.

This is the moment you’d think SOMEONE somewhere would show the tiniest fucking bit of sympathy, of gratitude. And they don’t.

What we got instead in Episode 4 was Daenerys being alone as Jon was being praised for her accomplishments. Jon falls upward as Daenerys faces consequences for her actions, good or bad, it doesn’t matter. Daenerys faces consequences because the show wants her to. She is alone. She begs Jon not to tell anyone about his ‘rightful claim’. He betrays her and tells his family. She has warned him Sansa can’t be trusted. Turns out Sansa can’t be trusted. And on it goes as Sansa, Tyrion and Varys plot behind her back to make sure that Jon falls upward for the uptenth time, Varys even going as far as to suggest killing her. His reason is that she is a woman and he can’t control her. That is Daenerys’ biggest crime on this show. And it won’t let her live it down. Hell, they’ll kill her for it. There is talk of a wedding between Jon and Daenerys. Somehow this is a bad idea because she is too strong and cannot be controlled.

She is too strong. Too much. Too powerful. That is Daenerys’ problem. She is too much and too much of a she. She is a dragon they cannot tame.

7) And just because she hasn’t had enough already they kill another one of her dragons for shock value, out of nowhere, with no purpose whatsoever but to show that they could. That she would be ‘mad’. That this somehow was the point of her character. It feels gross and unjustified.

8) And then, because why the fuck not at this point, fam, they go and execute Missandei. It has no purpose other than to show us that they put a former slave back into chains to kill her, to make Daenerys and Greyworm angry. That is what her life is worth. Her value will be the sum of two other character’s madness level.

And the countdown accelerates.

Let’s go back to when everything changed for Daenerys Targaryen. Let’s go back to Season 7, Episode 3. The moment where Daenerys Targaryen met with Jon Snow, hero extraordinaire, broody, rugged, manly and characteristically lacking of ambition. Jon Snow is a Bildungsroman’s wetdream of a protagonist. A poor little bastard boy hated and mistreated by his (semi-evil) stepmother who somehow rises to great heights despite everything adversity has thrown his way and who somehow ends up being the Chosen One to lead them all out of the darkness and to fight evil. Like Harry Potter, Frodo Baggins, King Arthur and countless other Christ-like figures before him, Jon Snow is good. That’s it, that’s all there is. That’s all you need to know about him, that’s all the story wants you to know about him. He is good. Sure he makes mistakes, but he’s good. He’s killed a child but he had his reasons, he killed a man begging for his life, but he had disobeyed him. He is good. And to top it all off, the lucky bastard just might happen to be a man. He is therefore the Chosen One. He is thus because he is He.

In Season 7, Episode 2 when Melisandre introduced to the audience the show’s own version of an Arthurian prophecy – Azor Ahai or: ‘the prince that was promised will bring the dawn’ – the show had its last inkling of an ability to pretend that they could somehow have a woman be a hero. Daenerys’ only female adviser and personal translator Missandei of Naath (a former slave they had captured and chained last episode just to kill her, in case you’d ever think the only woman of color in this show could die as a free woman) pointed out that that the High Valyrian word for ‘prince’ is genderless and that it could mean that Daenerys might also fit that prophecy. They also introduced the idea that BOTH Daenerys and Jon would play a role in this. I was fine with this. I thought all of their parallels from previous seasons meant that their fates were linked and that they would be two sides of the same coin.

If only the show had stopped right there. If only they hadn’t even tried to bring that up when they didn’t need to, when they didn’t even need to pretend to care. I’m wondering what the purpose of this line was. What was the meaning? A red herring? A last sliver of hope? Their last attempt at trying to pretend women mattered as more than canon fodder to further narratives, as more than bodies to be used and killed for entertainment’s purposes? It doesn’t matter. The very next episode sent off the ticking time bomb on Daenerys’ life.

In Season 7 Episode 3, Daenerys Targaryen met Jon Snow. The writers called it “A meeting of Ice and Fire” continuing on their claim that this is what the entire show had been leading up to, that even in Season 1, GRRM had told them that this was important, that the story was about these two characters coming together. I was pumped. I was rejoicing. The whole meaning of the show was right in front of me. And here’s how it happened: they made Daenerys look smug and entitled, having Jon Snow look humble and measured in comparison and when I watched it, I was taken aback, I didn’t understand what they were doing. I remember thinking that the way they were framing it looked weird because she was just as much of a protagonist as he was. I had been stupid enough to think the show could have a female protagonist when they already had a male protagonist.

The show wanted you to side with Jon Snow. The show wanted to make it clear that if you had to choose between Daenerys Targaryen and Jon Snow, you would choose Jon Snow. Humble, measured, naïve, male Jon Snow.

The ‘General Audience’ caught onto that. The moment Daenerys’ set her eyes on Jon Snow, she had lost. You should go and have a look on the comments of the Youtube videos of their first meeting. On that day, Daenerys was the villain. She lost that day, because she was in the man’s way. Because she spoke to him and didn’t bow. Because she stood there, fire and might, and didn’t let him take everything from her right on the spot. He was asking her to lay her entire life’s goals aside to help him with nothing in return. She was painted as arrogant for not bending to him and his will on the spot.

If only things had stayed that way. If only she’d stayed ‘arrogant’ and hadn’t let him close. Would she still become ‘mad’? Would she still lose it all anyway to make sure he would get it all in the end? Probably. Because why not? Why would the show give the most powerful woman any other outcome?

I guess the moral of this story is that women are only allowed to have power as long as it doesn’t interfere with a man’s ability to have more power than they do. And isn’t that what Varys has been telling us in the latest episode? That Daenerys and Jon would never be able to rule together because she was too strong for him and would bend him to her will? Because what could be worse than a strong woman having power? A strong woman potentially having power over a man. And so the ticking clock went off on Daenerys’ life. Her time has run out, because the show needs to have the male hero to win over everything, and if he can’t because a woman is in the way of the inherent inevitable male-centric greatness he will stumble and fall into reaching... Well then, it’s the woman’s fault and she angry and mad. So Daenerys will be mad and angry and hysterical and evil and he will kill her. Take that, woman she show tells you. Take that and die. We don’t need you when we have a male protagonist.

In a way, this show will end quite like the fairy tales warned us it would. The white knight, the Chosen One, the Prince that was promised, in his shining armour of goodness will swoop in and kill the evil dragon(Queen) to save the realm. And if this is a fairy tale then the dragon had it coming for daring to stand in the hero’s way. Perhaps the dragon ought to have apologized and stepped aside, perhaps the dragon ought to have known its place. Perhaps the fairy tale’s magic kingdom should have stopped the dragon’s rise before. And they did try. All of those men are knights, even the worst slavers of them all. Knights because they fought the dragon. They died trying to take her down. Perhaps they were right, then to try and defeat her. Perhaps it is sad, after all that the dragon took those poor men down. But it’s alright, the male protagonist will win. Because that’s what he does.

But if this is winning then why does it feel like rage and fire?

Because somehow the dragon is every woman. “You are a dragon” is what this show is telling me, as if that was a bad thing. “You are a dragon. You are too much. You ask too much. We will not bow to you, begone, be slain, you are in the man’s way. You are a hiccup in his rise to greatness. You will be killed prophetically and be swept aside and the hero, the man – the words somehow become synonymous – will inevitably win. And down you will go, defeated and broken. You and your might. You and your will. You and your power. Bow to us, woman, to our will, wishes, words and actions. Bow to us.”

The show wants me and you to know that. The show wants you to see what happens to women who stand in the way of men’s ascension to power, who are too powerful, who are too much for the story to handle. You are a dragon and you will die.

But dragons are fire made flesh risen from the ashes and dragons do not go down without a fight.

In a show that wants women to gaze adoringly at the male protagonists, women like Daenerys Targaryen have no place. They have no place because the show cannot fathom how someone could take her seriously, could value her efforts and her strengths when men are… There. That’s all they need to be.

And from that same patriarchal cesspool of a show/fictional society was also born Cersei Lannister, evil queen incarnate. She was the protagonists’ – male and female –  foil, their enemy, and she still is somehow, but she is also apparently doomed to be the female protagonist’s future. Cersei is evil because she has power. Cersei is bad because she is a madwoman. Cersei is all of your fairy tale’s evil spinsters. Cersei is in the way of a man’s greatness. And Cersei is Daenerys’ future as much as she is Sansa’s, or mine or yours. Bow down, women. Or be villains.

And so, in Season 8 Episode 4, as they tried to tear down at the last piece’s of the main female protagonist’s might they ignited the enraged fire that women try to swallow back down with every breath, for fear of being slain for having shown too much power and might. And the audience has never loved Daenerys more than it does now. The audience has done the unexpected. People who hated her now want her to burn the world down. People who already loved her have never wanted her to use her might as much as they do now.

“Dracarys” was Missandei’s last word. The show didn’t seem to realize it was a call to arms. “Women everywhere, join her and burn it down” seems to be the meaning the audience got from Missandei. I wholeheartedly agree with that sentiment.

The show wants me to think that ‘Dracarys’ was meant to take down the Cerseis of the world. It didn’t realize it made me want to take it down.

Maybe the show is right, maybe I, too, am a dragon ready to be slain. But if that’s the case I’m not going down without burning everything to the ground. Try and take me down, assholes.

[presumenothing]

once more with feeling

(or, spooky action at no distance)

belated halloween-ish fic, aka questionably-serious crackfic with a heavy side of casual morbidity and inappropriate science. also entirely unedited phonefic which i refuse to even reread before posting. beware of character death (sorry shiho) and property destruction (not sorry). working title: the ectoplasmic method. this is what happens when grad school deadlines meet the looming shadow of finals?? idk just have it anyway

Somewhere, in the cell of a singularly dismal back room –

A figure falls to slump against the wall, the handcuff on one wrist letting out the sad jingle of a clink as it takes on most of her weight.

The same somewhere, scant minutes later –

"Oh, bollocks," says a disembodied voice, two feet up and several inches to the left, with more heartfelt feeling than its owner ever really displayed in life. "This isn't even scientific at all!"

…ahem. Anyway.

The first thing that Shiho does with her newfound freedom from both matter and gravity (along with most of physics and the sciences, really, natural or otherwise) is to float back out to the main lab, and sigh a non-essential breath of relief at the absence of a tiny horde of spectral lab rats scurrying about.

Admittedly the process of doing so is rather less smooth than imagination might suggest, with more error than trial in the grander scale of things, but such is the steady march of science.

Either way, some brief confusion of force and acceleration aside, the lab proves empty of any (other) less-than-corporeal entities.

Hypothesis: either said rats were once here and had since dissipated with the pass of time (because she refuses to use such a vague phrase as move on, even setting aside the question of whether it would even – theoretically – apply to animals of questionable self-awareness), or this… ectoplasmic… existence is yet another astronomically-rare effect of the apoptoxin.

Shiho's still mulling over the question when she reaches for the coffeepot from long habit…

…only for her hand to pass right through it. Predictably enough, in hindsight.

Her eyebrow twitches.

…

……

………………

Revised hypothesis: the afterlife sucks.

The moment of decaffeinated betrayal is interrupted by the insistently loud tick of the wall clock.

Her baleful glare at it yields nothing much of use, since she hasn't had any way of reliably telling the time over the past couple days, given her spectacularly cozy accomodations.

If nothing else, it's probably going to be a couple hours until someone discovers her very dead body and alerts Gin, she thinks in no little vindication – followed by an itemised list of unprintably detailed expletives.

Because, in that moment of thought, she'd suddenly found herself elsewhere in a quantum blink, with no experience or memory of having crossed the intervening space.

And staring Gin almost in the face, no less.

Shiho definitely does not shriek as she throws herself aside, all the while cursing stupidly broken FTL teleports that didn't even have the decency to deposit her somewhere more pleasant. Like Majorca, maybe. Or even back to America.

…actually, on that thought – Shiho narrows her eyes in concentration.

Several (failed) attempts at geographically displacing herself later, she gives it up as a bad job, earmarked for further study. At the very least Gin didn't act like he'd heard any ghostly screeching that may or may not have happened, even if he also failed to display signs of the sudden chill – more's the pity – that featured so consistently in those terrible movies she'd had the misfortune of being coerced into watching by certain people one time too many.

Though she supposes that could also be due to the fact that she'd dodged with the express purpose of not having him walk through her. Not that intersecting spaces with a corridor wall had turned out to be a much more comfortable option, on the whole, but it's mostly a matter of metaphysical principle.

Either way. Shiho inches forward until she's no longer coexisting with shoddily-constructed cinderblock, all the while cheerfully ignoring whatever nefariously above-her-paygrade evil Gin is monologuing about to Vodka, over the increasingly loud click of heels.

…wait. Heels? she repeats mentally, before promptly noping back through the wall before she has to experimentally verify whether Vermouth, of all people, can see her or not.

Which is how she finds herself somewhere that looks suspiciously like Gin's dressing room, complete with shelves of overpriced hair product, full-length mirrors, and a wardrobe she assumes must be full of identical white turtlenecks and black trenchcoats.

"Hm," she says, aloud, as she sets to work. All in the name of science, of course.

(Careful recollection of events, multiple attempts, and a fair assortment of choice swears later, she figures out what her previous attempts at properly haunting ghosthood had been lacking: emotion.

Fortunately, she doesn't lack for any degree of anger in this circumstance. It still takes some trying to have the conditioner bottles explode messily rather than just fall off the shelves with a series of dull thunks, but eventually she manages it.

Though she limits herself to breaking only one mirror. Just in case the bad luck accrues to her instead of Gin.

Then again, she is dead. How much worse can it get, really?)

Armed with her newfound discovery, she attempts to teleport again. A few minutes' intense concentration on the comfortable familiarity of her lab brings her back to where she started, but thinking fondly of her doctoral research lab garners her nothing but a faint headache and an impending sense of hypocrisy.

At least she confirms that her body is still where she left it.

Honestly, she's almost unsure whether to be offended or not, Shiho thinks, as she watches the slow creep of rigor mortis across her muscles.

Unbidden, the lone photo from that newspaper clipping flashes to mind –

"…oh, come on!"

Look, it's not like Shiho can deny the miniature cataclysm of feelings surrounding even the echo of that image, but really? Really? After everything else she's tried?

And why to an elementary school, of all places? Jeez.

Shiho rolls her eyes at the corridor – which stands empty, this time – and swears off shattering any more mirrors before floating off again. There's an awkward moment when she vaguely recalls something about children supposedly being more sensitive to unscientific phenomena, though that's quickly falsified by the inhabitants of the first half-dozen classrooms she passes through, teacher or student alike.

Ironically enough it's the de-aged Kudo Shinichi who does react somewhat to her presence, when she finally manages to locate his classroom – and honestly, couldn't he have at least faked his way into a higher grade? Pretend to be very unusually short for his age or something? That can't be enjoyable at all.

Shiho tries to imagine herself stuck with this bunch of seven-year-olds and can't help a shudder, which is why she almost misses one of said children leaning slightly backwards in her seat to whisper far too loudly. "Are you alright, Conan-kun? Do you need a sweater?"

"No, I'm fine," Kudo-kun demurs, rejecting the profferred garment – quite rightly too, Shiho thinks, since that's just plain asking to be a vector for germs. "Just a cold draft, that's all."

He doesn't look even once in her direction, but relaxes visibly when she finally floats back out of the classroom to observe via a window.

Huh. Interesting. Maybe it's something about having seen too many corpses?

Shiho almost discards that out of hand on grounds of Gin, who had seen easily ten times as many dead bodies, most by virtue of having put them there by his own hands.

Admittedly, now that she thinks on it, it does seem entirely possible that Gin would not notice a localised drop in temperature due to being cold-blooded to start with, anyway.

She has insufficient data, she decides, and three working guesses: either Kudo-kun has seen too many deaths, too many corpses, or he's just looped into the same cosmic joke for having taken the apoptoxin as well.

History and statistics suggest that she'll eventually run into both mass murderers and homicide officers if she hangs around him long enough. Which leaves the third category quite unverifiable, but at least it'd make more sense than some high school detective managing to be the single outlier that should not be counted in any statistic, ever.

Though even waiting out the school day in the hope of some murders happening feels like an increasingly unattractive prospect, she thinks, pulling a face at the chalkboard's worth of mind-numbingly basic math when the bell stubbornly refuses to ring the end of first period.

She didn't skip through the first half of her education just to subject herself to it in death, of all things, and besides it's about time someone found her body anyway.

Shiho contemplates the hallway ceiling for a minute before managing to rebel further against gravity until she reaches the rooftop, already preparing to move herself back to the lab once she gets her bearings straight.

Then someone behind her gasps Shiho? in a voice all too familiar, and she –

Shiho isn't actually too sure what happens, in the following minutes.

Somewhere in the glassy shards of thought left fractured by her sister's voice is a swift-rising horror that it'd all been a lie – that the bullet which killed Akemi-oneechan was one she'd made with her own hands –

And maybe she says some of this out loud, maybe she doesn't, maybe it's simply that her sister has ever been the sole person in this world who understood her (even if she'd only realised that too late), but when the unrelenting static finally clears Shiho find herself not-quite hyperventilating on the rooftop of one Teitan Elementary, head spinning from the lack of air that she doesn't even need, and the one voice she'd never thought she'd hear again.

Even through the haze she can hear onee-chan saying things like it's not your fault, never was and Shiho almost shakes her head in reflexive denial, even as her mind whirrs back to that thrice-damned photograph and whispers agreement in logic, that death by apoptoxin is instantaneous and a gunshot wound would've left a significantly different blood spatter post-mortem, which meant –

"How are you here?" she chokes out, unable and unwilling to look up and meet those eyes. "If it wasn't the APTX – "

"APT– oh, is that the drug you were working on? No," Akemi says, with a sudden vindictiveness that startles Shiho into looking up anyway. "No, it was that utter scumbag Gin who shot me, you can take my word for that."

Shiho supposes that she must look unconvinced somehow, because Akemi adds, "I'd say that you could confirm with that little detective about that, but… well…"

Her gaze follows the wave of onee-chan's hand down to a cluster of small figures in the field, one of which is barely identifiable as Edogawa Conan, from this distance. It raises another dozen questions in turn, but still Shiho persists. "But how are you still here? Why haven't you… moved on?"

"Unfinished business, I suppose you could say."

"Huh?"

Akemi-oneechan blinks at that, in some apparent surprise. "Isn't it obvious?"

Shiho shakes her head in full earnesty.

"Oh, Shiho," Akemi almost-sighs, as she floats over and – catches hold of her hands, with a bout of warmth against all logic, the first solid thing Shiho's felt since this all started. "It's you, of course, it was always you."

…her words won't work and either way she knows not what to say to that, so Shiho just stands (floats) there, gaping silently like an idiot.

Somehow Akemi-oneechan is still smiling. "Well, I mean – I did manage to track down Dai-kun by accident, and I've been keeping an eye out for anything around Conan-kun, you wouldn't believe the amount of trouble he gets into. But the only one I worried over was you, and yet I couldn't find you, no matter what I tried…"

Shiho tries – and mostly fails – to process all this, and pieces together the next logical question. "Then what about me?"

She'd thought that it'd been because of the apoptoxin, but that's obviously invalid now, even if it galls her to replace that with such a ridiculously nebulous notion as unfinished business –

"There must be something you haven't done, a wish you haven't fulfilled, or… well," Akemi pauses, and Shiho can tell just from the lilt of her tone that she's not going to like whatever follows next, "like I've always been telling you, maybe it's just that you need to live a little. Have some fun, you know!"

And Shiho surprises them both by snorting a laugh at that. "In that case, I've gotten a start on that already."

To describe Akemi-oneechan's expression as starry-eyed would not be amiss, nor her voice as a squeal. "What did you do?"

"…destroy all of Gin's hair products?"

"Really?! Oh my god, Shiho-chan, I'm so proud, I always knew you had it in you – "

.

.

.

(AO3)

listen i literally?? don’t even?? know???? i did not see this coming, no plans here only bad jokes. the semi-crack antidote to this previous fic or something i guess, except not. don’t @ me 

[fymeetrasurik]

Star Wars: Catalyst-A Rogue One Novel-Review

I actually read this like, a long time ago XD. Like in the lead up before Rogue one came out. So.... Very late.It did have many things I wanted to touch on though, and honestly it’s been one of my favorite books in the new canon so better late than never!

Plot: In the final years of the clone wars, it is decided that a weapon must be constructed to end the conflict. Krennic, and ambitious social climber has his eyes set on the head of the table, and lucky for him, he happens to know the perfect scientist who can launch him into relevance. So begins a game of careful placation as work on the greatest weapon the galaxy has ever known is underway.

So I just figured out how the bullet system works, and I think it’s the best way for me to get out my points XD here we go!

Galen Erso-The book does such an amazing job at flushing out his character. Really it made him one of my favs. He’s very akin to the scientists who worked on the atomic bomb in our own world. He’s a pacifistic who did his best to free himself from either the republic or the separatists, and so the entire book is a blend of making sure he doesn’t know what he’s working on, or finding a way to convince even him that this is for the best. It’s a fascinating game of mental maneuvers. Beyond that even, his mild mannered and thoughtful personality was really endearing as you can tell how much is going on in his head, but yet he still takes time to be a loving husband and father. His state of being is written so well.

Lyra Erso-Boy howdy, if you read this book for nothing else, read it for Lyra. We got to know so little of her from the movie, but reading the book you can so see where Jyn got a lot of her fire from. Lyra is intense, and passionate, which creates a great contrast to Galen. She’s the one who begins to suspect the empire is up to no good, and then the story becomes this almost tug of war between her and Krennic over Galen. She knows the dangerous water they’re working in and is doing her best to keep Galen tethered while also raising Jyn. The quickest way I can describe her is that she’s a space hippie and I mean that with love. She has an interest in Geology which plays a important role in the story, and she just has a no nonsense kind of attitude that’s really easy to fall in love with. In many ways it’s her story more than Galen’s as she must walk a fine line in a dangerous new world.

Orson Krennic- Loved him in the movie, and honestly the book makes him even better. In a world of Vader’s and sith, I think Krennic is a really interesting villain, because he didn’t have to be. He’s dangerously ambitious, but at the same time he’s in over his head. He’s created a weapon of mass destructive as a way to climb the ladder. Like he cares more about getting a high status and recognition than he does about the death star itself. He’s a sociopath in the truest sense as he’s very charming and manipulative. Throughout the story, he’s never antagonistic to Galen, handling him with kid gloves and giving the Erso’s everything (in his mind) that they could ever want. Again the conflict he has with Lyra as both fight for Galen is some of the best parts of the book. He’s just a fascinating villain to me, he comes across very blue collar, like he’s worked his whole life, going from nothing to something and still it’s not enough. He won’t be satisfied until he’s adviser to the emperor himself.

Tarkin-Speaking of villains, oh my word Tarkin is perfect in this. I never knew how much I needed him to have a catty drama and rivalry with someone else in the empire until I read this book. His relationship with Krennic is just the best as they both spend the last half of the book trying to screw each other over while playing polite in conversation. It’s awesome. It’s like every workplace beef you’ve ever seen, on a galactic scale, it’s so petty it’s wonderful.

Has Obbit- A smuggler who is just, a hundred percent done with all this. Early on he is roped into Krennic’s scheme to win over Galen and he spends the rest of the book just under his thumb and he’s just like why has this happened. He’s so easy to relate to of just getting screwed over by powers bigger than him, and honestly I’d like to see him in more stuff!

End of the Clone Wars- So spoiler, but about a third of the way into the book we see the end of the war on a street level. The Erso’s are literally running from battle droids and are seconds from being killed when the droids shut down. I adored this moment. Firstly its interesting because we know what happened more than the characters do, Anakin just murdered all the sep leaders. What I love about this the most, is fate. Star wars always does such a good job of, if this didn’t happen this way at this time it would all have gone to hell. So many things had to lead up to their defeat, a million chances the force took. In a way, Vader saved the Erso’s lives, and without them, the death star could never have been destroyed and by extension, neither would the empire have ever fallen. Little details like that I just love.

State of the Galaxy-My FAVORITE, world buildy thing of the book. I am a huge fan of how canon star wars has dealt with the rise of the empire and how it was viewed by the people, and little details are sprinkled in this book that are some of my fav in all of star wars. Even after the war is over, Krennic explains about sep hold outs and terrorist groups still causing havoc in the outer rim.Eventually it’s how he convinces Galen about the death star as a matter of security. Given how awful the clone wars were, you can hardly blame people for wanting security and being afraid of Seps’ who just couldn’t let it go. Politically, I think this is brilliant, because it basically justifies the empire on a average person level. Wars have a hard time at ending, and that’s especially true on a galactic scale. Spinning this vague threat of Seps who never gave up the fight is a perfect boogeyman. Suddenly, your fighting terrorists rather than freedom fighters and those who joined the empire in those 19 years after the war? They might have seen that as ending the conflict their parents died to stop. Like this twists it so the rebellion isn’t something new, but rather the ghost of something thought to have been put down decades ago. It wasn’t a galactic civil war, it was clone wars round 2. Some of the canon doesn’t get this across very well, but the clone wars was not just clones and droids. It was one of the worst wars in history, leaving trillions dead. The horror of that is hard to imagine, and so can you not see someone signing up to the imperial academy with pride, knowing that whatever they do, it’s in the name of stopping something like that from happening ever again. Palpatine moves, were utter brilliance. Scaring the galaxy from opposing him as no matter how bad things get, at least they aren’t as bad as they were. It’s one of my favorite lore bits in all of star wars and makes everything feel so much more real.

Aliens- I love how all of the books get to play more with Alien characters. Has is one and it’s fun. The opening of the book is the Erso’s imprisoned on an alien world but kinda being welcomed into the culture at the same time and it’s fascinating. Detail is given to their architecture, customs, celebrations and so on and I am just a sucker for all of that. Galen has an old University friend whose a Mirialan whom I love. She’s a professor and Idk why but I just really liked her. More of this in star wars please, like for the love of god, some of the canon stuff is making me wonder why we even have aliens in this universe if they’re just gonna be set dressing. 

Construction of a Battle Station- In a book about the death star you’d expect a lot to be told about how it was made and the book delivers. I for one loved the detail ha, as it’s gone into how it was built and by who. Design choices and setbacks which itself were my fav parts of this. The setbacks really humanize the story and play into the ruthlessness of the empire. Experimentation with a crystal destroys a city? Blame it on a reactor leak. A group of scientists have outlived their use? Use them as practice for the laser. In fact this becomes a detective part of the story. A brilliant detail to me was that there were several cells of scientists working on the death star, each with their own focus. Shielding, gravity, containment, the weapon itself. All were under different code names and all were working on the same thing and most didn’t know it. So as scientist friends of the Erso’s start disappearing and Lyra starts putting things together, it’s a really tense situation to follow.

Baby Jyn- Baby Jyn is super adorable. It’s weird because with this book and Jyn’s own Rebel Rising, we pretty much know her whole life from cradle to Scarif. Which is a little sad. Regardless, her addition helps to flesh her out and makes that ending gut punch hit harder.

Playground- There’s a star wars playground in this. Like with kids and everything. There’s something called a grav slide and they don’t explain it but I want it. 

Saw- Saw is in this and it’s interesting to see his journey from clone wars to what we see him become in Rogue one.

Geology- Alright I’m a super nerd but there’s a part where Lyra and Jyn go off to survey a planet looking for crystals and idk I just found that super interesting.

Geonosians- Are used for construction of the death star and it was interesting to see how they switched sides. We also get some insight into their culture and methods. Like apparently when working on a project it’s totally normal for them to just start killing each other sometimes which is rad ha.

Jedi- It’s an interesting perspective this book gives because the Jedi are lost pretty quickly and so the outlook on them is negative in universe with everyone all “those traitors rargh!” with Lyra as the voice of that can’t be true. She has a reverence for the force I find super interesting and it plays into her hippieish. She’s very spiritual and used to spend time in the Jedi gardens which I didn’t even know was a thing. I love seeing how normies interact with the force and how it can still play a role in their lives. 

That’s all I got at the moment! If it’s not clear, I really loved this book. It was written by James Luceno who wrote motherfucking Darth Plagueis from legends otherwise known as the best star wars book ever. He has such an amazing talent for linking the universe together in a way that makes it feel alive and there’s no better world builder in the game. I’m a sucker for that so I just had a wonderful time and read it pretty non stop. I’d place it fairly high in my list of canon books, so if all this sounds interesting, give it a read! It adds to Rogue One while also telling it’s own very compelling story with some amazing characters. That’s it from me ha! May the force of others be with you!

[forgetspecifics]

Such Sights are Bright - Prologue: Wake Up

Yang Xiao Long; born in Canada to a mother she never knew, has left her father’s homestead in Maine to experience life with her uncle.

Other links: Ao3 FF.net

Notes: My new story warranted a prologue to cover some of the plot and I thought I'd post it to see what y'all think. I'm seriously excited to begin this. I've had it planned for about 6 months, and I haven't even really started, but I think I'm already thinking of a sequel. Oops It's really important to note that this whole story was massively inspired by music, a specific album, to be exact. It means a lot to me. Listening to each song at the end of a chapter will hopefully help you understand the spirit of what I'm trying to do here. I implore you to not be a lil sneak and ruin anything for yourself by listening to any other song from the album, if you actually want to enjoy my story in the musical form. All credit given to the band that changed my life. Another important note is that each chapter will take place in a specific month of the year, which is noted at the top (with the season, since there's three chapters per season [excluding this chapter since it's just a prologue], idk it was important to me when I planned it and now I don't remember why. I think it was because I wanted to cover a whole year). ANYWAY, just go

August (Summer)

/

Amongst the chatter and slight chaos of the patrons of the airport, a small family bid their farewells as an announcement caught their ears.

‘This is the final boarding call for flight BGR213 to Columbus, final boarding call.’

“Oh, I’m gonna miss you, sis!”

“You’ll see me in a couple of months, Rubes. But, I’ll miss you more!”

“It’s more than a couple, Yang. Still, you better hurry or you’ll miss the plane!”

Yang nodded, agreeing with her father’s concern. Giving her little sister, Ruby, one last bear hug, she took in a shaky breath.

“I better scoot, then, eh? I love you guys,” she embraced her dad, the man trying to hide his sadness – and failing.

“Be safe, my sunny little dragon. I love you,” he sniffed.

“See you at Christmas!”

Taking in the sight of Taiyang and Ruby waving goodbye, looking like they missed her already, Yang hoisted her backpack over her shoulder entered the boarding gate for her flight, bound for Ohio.

Her new adventure awaited her, after all.

Drifting into a state of quiet fear, Yang let her feet and legs carry her through the gate and onto the plane, not fully processing the situation. She knew she was leaving everything she’d known for almost her whole life, but it was like it was yet to sink in. She sat in her seat – a window view – happy to have several hours to get used to everything.

Asking herself if she was truly happy with this decision, she knew that it seemed impulsive and foolhardy to her dad and sister. Even if they had planned this move sufficiently, it seemed sudden anyway. Why would a seventeen-year-old girl want to uproot herself to a different state just before her final year of high school? It was social suicide, especially since she was one of the most popular girls around.

It’s because Yang was sick of that little town and everybody in it (not Ruby though, and to a lesser extent, not her dad either). Nothing was a secret there. Judgement was grating on her nerves as she grew older and older and saw it more and more.

They all knew their family was a mess since Summer had died.

Taiyang had not taken the loss well – in fact, he took it very badly.

It was not the best situation for six-year-old Yang and four-year-old Ruby – so to say ever since she had died, it was to say that the last eleven years of their lives had been an uphill battle.

When their father had shut down, the townspeople had done their best to help them, but it wasn’t enough. They couldn’t be the mother they’d lost. The mother Ruby lost.

Yang did the only thing she could: become the best mother she could be. In turn, she sacrificed her childhood for Ruby’s – and she’d do it all again if she needed to. It wasn’t Ruby’s fault. As Ruby grew old enough for Yang to step out of that role, it was too late for her to regain all the time she had lost.

So, Yang made the most of the time she had.

She knew that her father had tried his best, but it wasn’t enough. He gradually improved over time, and by the time she was eleven, he took most of his fatherly duties much more seriously, giving her her chance.

To say that she was a bit of a problematic kid was an understatement – not that she was a brat or treated her father terribly, no. School became the best place for her to let out her frustrations and have fun. She never even tried to reach her potential, putting more effort into being ‘cool’ and having the times of her life.

The last couple of years especially, were a riot. Not even considering the future, Yang loved to party and loved to keep up an image. An image that rebelled against the picture of the poor girl the town thought she was – she wanted them to think she’d been unaffected.

It wasn’t their business, anyway.

The truth was, Yang had made a mess out of the life that lay ahead of her. She had only done the minimum to stay at a passing grade or to be able to do whatever sports her school had offered. It was easy to be athletic and not very book-smart.

The other truth was, after Summer had died, Taiyang told her she wasn’t actually her mother at all. That her mother was another woman named Raven, whom had a twin brother, that he and Summer had met and worked with in Canada before she was born.

Ever since that day, Yang had craved more knowledge about her true mother, something she investigated many times to little success. Her uncle began to visit them periodically, now that she knew about his existence. She knew that if her dad wouldn’t tell her about Raven, Qrow was the only other person she could ask.

Which had lead her to this decision to move in with him in another state. Yang felt trapped in her life in her small town, partly by her own choices, partly that in another year, she’d have finished high school and have nowhere to go. Deep down, she recognised that she was probably too late to have a revelation such as that, and it was just a little bit ironic that she was late in growing up when she had had no choice at age six to mature rapidly.

Maybe being this screwed up was Taiyang’s fault. He’d shirked all responsibility on her, falling into a pathetic hole of alcohol dependence and ignoring his depression. A little kid shouldn’t have had to slap her father awake from a bender just to ask him to help out – which never worked anyway.

She shouldn’t have had to find him sitting at the kitchen table staring at a knife late at night. Too often she’d been shooed away, hearing him say goodnight, and wondering if when she woke, he’d be gone.

As much as he’d apologised when he had realised – with her help – that he needed to get it together, she’d still lord it over him when she felt petty. When he’d chastised her for something stupid, or tried and butt in on her life, she’d told him that he wasn’t there for her before and didn’t get to decide when he was now. ‘Wake up,’ she’d said, ‘you don’t get to play the dad card now.’

Yang would admit she felt accomplished when she’d told him what she wanted to do and he had responded, ‘Yang, I’ve never been able to hold you back, but not by choice. It’s time for me to be a man, and choose to not hold you back any longer. Be the person I know you can be.”

Because at that moment, she knew they could both move on from their past.

Landing in a new place was kind of nerve wracking, she thought. But this was what she wanted. She had made it another step closer to knowing where she’d come from.

Looking amongst the strange faces of a strange place, she looked for a sign of her pickup. It had been awhile since she’d seen him and Yang hoped he was still the old, grumpy faced man she remembered.

She spied a familiar ringed hand tip a familiar flask up to a familiar scruffy face, and smirked. He was the old grumpy faced alcoholic she remembered.

As Yang eagerly sidestepped travellers to her uncle, he screwed the lid back on the container that was likely filled with something strong enough to make her cringe.

Tucking his contraband back into his jacket, Qrow Branwen welcome his niece with open arms. “Hey, firecracker. Look at you, all big and strong.”

His gravelly tenor was a sound she had missed. “You know me,” her shoulders shrugged off the praise, despite the pride she felt that he’d noticed. Taiyang had been helping her develop the capacity to pursue her athletic hobbies – anything physical, Yang was down for.

“Come on kid, it’s a bit of a drive,” Qrow gestured for her to follow. “Hope you’re not disappointed with a normal car ride.”

Yang snorted shamelessly. “I’ll deal. Did Bumblebee make it here safe?”

Turning towards baggage claim, her uncle nodded, “Yep.  You named that death-trap after an insect?”

“Excuse me, I’ll have you know that my bike,” she paused, considering that he may have been accurate describing the motorcycle as a death-trap, “…is named after the coolest insect on the face of the Earth.”

Qrow had made an effort and drove through the most interesting route in Canton, Yang noting the well-known Pro Football Hall of Fame as the city’s pride and joy. She guessed she’s a Browns fan now – not like Maine had their own football team.

It was daunting to know this was now her home for at least the next year. Backing out part way through would be stupid – she came here gain some of the freedom back.

…and to learn more about her birth mother – her estranged birth mother.

She knew she looked a lot like her father, blonde hair, tall, with an affinity for the colour yellow. Yet Taiyang had always said she looked like her mom, which she only had one, old and lousy picture of. Her golden hair did not match her mother’s black, so she always figured that he was just saying that. He had never understood or agreed with her craving to know more about his first wife, Raven Branwen – it seemed her uncle was on her side.

He obviously saw that at age 17, Yang was sick of being given the little-kid treatment.  Otherwise, she didn’t see herself being here, in the twin-siblings’ hometown, living with him.

“Qrow?”

The car turned into a new street. “Yeah, yeah, we’re almost there,” he muttered.

“Not that. Just…thanks.”

She saw him crack a hint of a smile. “No problem,” they pulled into the drive of a small two story house. “Welcome home.”

He wasted no time in approaching the door to unlock it, as Yang pulled her bags from the trunk – since she was fully capable.

Passing through the threshold held somewhat of a weight for her. This was the Branwen’s family home. Her mother had lived here, at some point, long ago. It surprised her to see that the room towards the rear end of the house housed a lone upright piano. The walnut was weathered, clearly showing its age, dust coating the flat surfaces.

As she inspected the instrument, Qrow curiously observed from the doorframe. “I didn’t think you could play,” he stated.

“I can’t. I like sports, remember?” she laughed. “Judging by the dust, you can’t either.”

Qrow shook his head in agreement. “Not my style either. Family heirloom, or some crap.”

Yang lifted the cover and placed her fingers on the spotless keys, accidentally pressing a sour note when she heard, “Raven could,” from behind her.

She suddenly found herself disliking it.

“I’m gonna unpack,” she quickly exited the room and any further conversation about that. Funny, how this was what she wanted to know about, but she didn’t know if she’d enjoy finding it all out that much.

A low hum followed her. “Upstairs, first room on your right. Don’t worry, it’s as empty and impersonal as they get.”

Thank fuck for that.

Notes: Song: 'Man' This is about the struggle I wrote of in the first section, that long and sad one? Yeah. You can probably figure it out. -

+1 for bumblebees being straight up cool

+1 for bumbleBY being not straight at all

I would appreciate any feedback. Thanks for reading.

[i-am-very-very-tired]

Do you remember those Cathy comic strips your mom used to have tacked to her cubicle wall or office board? The one’s her and her co-workers would share and cackle and point at while nodding their heads in agreement and uttering ‘Yup, so true’? You’d look at those comics as a little girl with a blank stare, confused as to why so many of your mom’s female co-workers related to this neurotic, cat owning, chubby white lady who spent the majority of the comic complaining about dieting,exercising, yogurt, work and dating. Now I ask you, do you remember the day you realized you BECAME Cathy? For me it was when I was around 30, I was on the phone in the grocery store with my friend discussing this new wellness challenge I saw on IG, where you cut out all refined sugars for 30 days, and there was some hashtag involved. I looked in my basket and saw one bottle of white wine, a container of sugar free Greek yogurt, and cat food. Somehow, I had morphed into the Millennial (am I a Millennial? I was born in 85’ idk) Colored Cathy. This wasn’t a moment of panic, but definitely a random moment of self realization. This was 30, and I was doing the things black women in their 30s do. Maybe its an American thing, but a large part of adulthood in our culture heralds “self-improvement.” We must always be striving to be fitter, richer, healthier, better educated, more skilled, glow-upier versions of ourselves. This is especially true for women and hell, I was, I am no different. To be content with who you are in the present is seen as resigning oneself to mediocrity. It’s lethargic, and un-ambitious. Cardinal sins in our current “Rise and Grind”–everyone’s a personal brand-social media reach quantifying ass world. Fast forward several months where I’m 31, and miraculously still had not managed to 30 Day Challenge myself into a better me. I had hit a wall. Well, a couple of walls and I hadn’t the faintest idea why. I couldn’t concentrate on this “great” new job I just got, I was more reclusive than usual and couldn’t even find enjoyment in the little pleasures I’d typically turn to during my more gloomy spells. Sure I’ve always struggled with self-discipline but that’s always a part of myself that I attributed to being ‘artsy’ kind of. However, the list of goals I wished to accomplish but never followed through on grew exponentially. My personal life was about as uneventful as a Chris Christie’s political future, my friendships were suffering, I was more irritable than usual and I was even becoming withdrawn with my son at home. It wasn’t until I had a late night discussion with a close friend where he tearfully revealed he’d seen a therapist and had been diagnosed with depression, that I entertained perhaps seeking professional help for my mental well being. Of course I didn’t think that I was as sick as my friend, when he asked if his diagnosis surprised me I responded in typical “Of course I knew, nigga I’m glad you caught up” Danielle fashion. “Oh yeah, of course not, I had always said you would benefit from therapy, with what you’ve been through? Of course a diagnosis of depression makes sense. I’m proud of you for finally taking care of yourself”. After hanging up the phone, my own words I used to reassure my panicked best friend echoed in my head. “With what you’ve been through..of course it makes sense. I’m proud of you for finally taking care of yourself.” My friend, like a lot of Black men who grew up in Chicago ,has experienced a lot of trauma, especially in his childhood, but damn so did I. I soon realized that I was guilty of the same mental health neglect I audaciously and frequently lectured him about when we’d discuss his failed relationships and stalled professional life. I had a lot of Black ass nerve, here I had pretty much spent the latter half of my life having gone through the mental trauma equivalent of several car accidents and not once thought to cart my ass to a physician to see if there was any internal bruising. So soon thereafter, I started researching therapists in my local area and booked my appointment. My therapist is a Black woman in her early 60s. She looks young for her age, she has a short ceasar hair cut, and wears Uggs. She’s short and busty, and her face always looks as if she’s empathizing with you. Her office is very small and quiet. She has one of those faux waterfall things meant to provide calming serenity. It’s kind of annoying and looks really cheesy but I try to ignore it. Our first session, she told me that I was at the age where most women seek therapy. “You’re…31. Yeah this is where most women hit a wall, your jar is full and you can’t keep putting your head down and pushing forward, now you’re having problems functioning and have to compensate for years of self-neglect, this is normal, it’s what women in their 30’s do.” During our one hour session she asked me the questions I suppose all therapists ask, about my current life, my childhood, my love life, my past, and what I want for my future. I was pretty candid, and had no problems going into full detail about everything. I casually rattled off the instances of emotional, physical, and sexual abuse I’d experienced from childhood into adulthood that I was sure was norm for women my age. My divorce, my son, the death of my father, my close, but dramatic and at times confrontational relationship with my mother, my job hopping (four in one year I think), my chronic insomnia, etc. And even when I casually looked up to her slightly raised brows while she scribbled notes on her notepad, I wasn’t sure how serious I was taking it, but it was cathartic to talk to someone unfamiliar with my story. It wasn’t until the end when she said she needed to tell me something that she usually waits some time to disclose to her patients that I knew what was at stake. “Danielle…you’re sick. I don’t think you realize how sick you are because this is the only way you’ve known how to function for the majority of your life..but honey…now you need meds and you need help, I hope you’ll let me help you.” This was actually unexpected, I was so sure she would have praised me for my perseverance, my resilience in having withstood what I had gone through while somehow still managing to become an arguably productive and functioning adult. It hadn’t dawned on me that maybe all this time, I really wasn’t “functioning” at as high a level I thought I was, that my “normal” was abnormal that my “fine” wasn’t fine. Maybe I had been giving myself entirely too much credit? I left her office that day with a couple of diagnosis: Clinical depression, anxiety, PTSD, and some other acronym that I always forget. Ultimately she told me that before we could even hope to engage in successful therapy sessions, I needed to discuss anti-depressant meds with my doctor. “You mean I’m so fucked up I need medication to be eligible for therapy?” I laughed. The laughter was not returned. Shit got real. I promised to contact my PCP right away to discuss my options and gingerly paid for my session. When I got home, I laid on my couch and catatonically stared at the ceiling till sunrise. I don’t even remember blinking. For the first time in my life, I was the one with the diagnosis. This wasn’t about my friend’s depression, my ex-husbands sickle cell, my mom’s heart condition, or my son’s autism. It was me. For the first time I was the patient that I needed to take care of. I was used to being the calm, analytical, reassuring caretaker, who helped my loved ones research therapies, and medication options. But now, I was the one who was sick, and for the first time in a long time; I didn’t have the answers, and I was scared. Currently I’m still scared but I’m discussing med options with my physician. I’ve since had a few more sessions with my therapist and I’m getting more and more comfortable with the idea of both needing and accepting help, and my needing therapy and help not being an admission of my own inadequacy. I like my therapist a lot, and my friends and family are supportive. I accidentally sent her a dirty text message meant for some dude once but she laughed it off-she cool as hell. I still do my little challenges, in fact I signed up for some 28 Day fitness jumpstart just the other day. Like a lot of black women in their 30s I’m also starting to find myself entertained by things like numerology and astrology. Especially ironic coming from me of all people a consummate cynic, but I get the appeal. People like being told who they are, it’s less legwork. To think there’s a universe out there as invested in my self actualization as I am is an attractive ideal. I’m scheduling myself a tarot card reading as we speak. I’m even looking into life coaches, because shit, why the hell not? There’s a Sartre quote where he says: “As far as men go, it’s not who they are that interests me – but what they can become.” It speaks to the notion that the “self” is constant and ever changing and it’s something I think about when I fall into this possibly futile albeit earnest cycle of self improvement. Humans are tasked with the burdensome freedom of deciding who we are, and then embarking on the journey in becoming that actualized person. When I told my mom I had decided to start going to therapy, she cheered. She said it was long overdue, and exclaimed relief that I finally decided it was time. She had been in therapy over the past three years and found it helpful. My mom, like a lot of black women her age unfortunately, has experienced a lot of trauma, but she’s seeking help and scaling her own walls — and damn so am I. Maybe that’s enough. 30 day challenges, black women, cathy, comic strips, turning 30 Danielle Butler

[reign-of-the-wolves]

THEM:

Hi Reading one of your recent comments on Soo It seems to be that you actually don't like her as a character not just the way she was written I think, it's just my assumption consider her as weak and a bit stupid Maybe I'm wrong

ME: It's both how she was written as a character and the character herself. Lol I've watched this series over 6 times now (partly to enjoy it with friends but also to analyze the story and characters for my own writing.) It may be the editing departments fault too with how they edited the final video

THEM: I think that the writing has a couple of flaws as every script has and it's ok but I put all blame on director and editor team.

Also, I think you really underestimate her and putting definition of a strong female lead in a very classic dimension when it comes to judging Soo, idk about others.

She was pretty much silly in the first eps and I didn't like her either. But there so much development that made me grow to like her more and more.

After all, of it wasn't her nothing would have happened. Even Eun's death supposed to happen because she meant to be there to story that we know in modern days could happen.

She's not even a bit weak. Just out yourself a modern day girl into her condition. Time travel, deaths of people that important to you and not most of them aren't natural. Tortures, a year of hard work of a water maid, ruined health, always aching knees and problem with heart. Const fear of hurting and affecting somebody's life, holding back with a person you falling in love with, then watching how his marrying other woman and suffering because of it, then leaving him not because you don't love him but because you have to and there's no other choice.

She's relatable in so many aspects even in Goryeo era. She's not super smart or strong or anything else, that what makes her so human. But she is so compassionate, hardworking.

ME: But it's not just my opinion 4 other of my friends (one of them having never seen Kdramas before) kinda of the same opinion. Her early eps were basically what kinda killed it.

Honestly my biggest thing is that there was no excuse for her behavior in the early episodes. (I didn't mind her too much after Court Lady Oh's death, but everything before that point she just didn't make sense to me... she would've realistically been executed) Even her being from another time can be a valid reason up to a point... before it becomes a writers scapegoat.

To me, if I had to pick a character from that show that was the most relateable and believably written, It would be Court Lady oh.

ME: it's just there's things that are common sense and common knowledge that anyone of any social class (modern or ancient) would know, and she somehow... didn't?? how to speak to royalty, and not get in a fight with them being for starters LOL

ME: the other things I can kinda loosely overlook as pure modern ignorance but there are some things that are just painfully jarring that make 0 sense for anyone in Korea or SE-Asia

ME: the more I watch and try to find reasons to sympathize with her or justify her behavior the more I can't-- especially when my friends are also asking me questions about why she's behaving a certain way. LOL I do try... I genuinelly do try (especially cause I want me friends to love this show as much as me) but I can't. xD I can't even objectively try to defend her character until after Court Lady Oh's death. and by that point when it comes to hr and wang So's relationship I can feel even less empathy for it aside from his character... XD

ME: I love wang So very very much, extremely deeply but their pairing made so little sense to me... that I couldn't even try to explain it to my friends xD Maybe the original book was different, but, this show didn't make work... this could be the fault of the editors and writers of the show

ME: 5 other friends of mine (my miscount I forgot how many I have seen this series with) Today at 10:06 AM

THEM: She was fearless and didn't want to let people humiliate her. Don't forget that she was a part of powerful Wook's household and people tear her as she is a mere child so I doubt that something would have happened to her. The only stupid thing that she did back then was beating Eun. She just couldn't stand his pervertism and decided to teach him a lesson.

I doubt that you know how to speak to medieval royalty as I have no clue how to speak to royalty from medieval Rus. Everything what I know is based on history books and tv series. I'm pretty sure it's far from accurate Also, Ha Jin's history knowledge was awfully poor. She couldn't even figure out that Gwangjong wasn't the second Goryeo king nor she didn't know that he actually didn't killed all his brothers. Her history knowledge was on a level of girl just appearing in history class auditorium without paying much attention.

For example? (What doesn't make sense for people in Kore and Asia)

Girl in original book is absolutely different just as 4th prince, they just took some main plot lines, everything else is different.

Their relationship was built on friendship, complete understanding of each other, they could see real nature of each other. Also, they're both idealistic and fight for truth, they're romantic and cherish freedom. They're really similar and I already told you about it.

ME: you sound mad? O-o are you mad at me or something? cause again this is just my own view point. LOL

THEM: Ahahah, no 😄

ME: okay LOL

ME: good XD

THEM: Sorry if I offend you

ME: nah you didn't I was worried of the reverse

THEM: I'm just giving you my point of view

ME: ^_^ ok

THEM: Because I'm just upset that you would rather erase Hae Soo from the story when she's basically the core of this narration

ME: LOL If I had to have a time traveling character beign the narration I'd persoanlly prefer a different character in her place. or even just have the narration from So's POV entirely or the original Hae Soo. :/  Sorry if I upset you it's just my oppinion and I'm not trying to like force it on ya LOL Today at 12:47 PM

THEM: But was hwarang female lead brilliantly written and was their romance developed? Like just to compare historical dramas that you watched.

It's not just So's story, initially it is a girls story, Koreans decided to share the focus with male lead as well.

It's fine, I get it. And you wouldn't be able to do it anyway 😄

ME: I liked the girl in the very very first episode. But after that first episode. THE VERY INSTANT SHE MET THE MALE LEAD... I ended up disliking her too the romance in Hwarang was just as bad as SHR

THEM: I'm afraid that you end up disliking all female leads in sageuk

ME: after that point TBH I kinda realized maybe it was Korean's media where they're so focused on shoehorning and shoving poorly developed romance down people's throats.... yeahhhh probably

THEM: But SoSoo wasn't poorly developed Can't agree with you It one of the most amazingly developed relationship in kdrama world In fiction I've run into And I love romance but only a good believable romance

ME: if that's the case then I am absolutely mortified to see other shows in Korea if that was considered the best in Kdrama world

THEM: Have you thought that it's a western mindset that makes you think that Soo and other female leads are weak

ME: my friend found the way he acted after she said she understood him absolutely jarring today ROFL

THEM: Ofc there are some one dimensional poorly written characters But I honestly saw many great girls

ME: Honestly I hate how a lot of media writes women in the West too I do think it could be a culture thing for me too, that maybe Korea and Japan idiolize these meek weak kinda "dense and quirky" women that NEED a man to function or at least the trope of it

THEM: Why it's so understandable

ME: in SE-Asian media

THEM: There's a parallel between his conversation with mother and this moment with Soo

ME: I know these countries are very sexist and women don't get a lot of respect over there.

THEM: Actually I feel like less sexist in historical way that Europe In Japan there were women samurais

ME: Oh I know in history it was fine till we came and shoved our noses in it

THEM: And I'm Goryeo women could divorce without damaging their honor

ME: or with confusnism

THEM: And all the property still belonged to them

ME: I'm not completely naive about Japan XD I did do research on the Samurai and the Minamoto family I also know in the Three Kingdoms era women were of equal

THEM: Japanese are more severe

ME: in fact one of them ruled err wait three of the women ruled Silla

THEM: Not completely equal but almost yeah

ME: What I'm saying is the roles of women changed roughly around the Joseon Dynasty and into the era where Christians started butting in well yeah not perfect but closer

ME: then it all turned to shit

THEM: Agree

ME: And yes maybe my Western upbringing has a lot to do with how I see it, but then again, I loved characters like Court lady Oh, Queen Hwangbo, (Hell I would even say- despite her corruption and being written as a bitch/antagonist-) I enjoyed Yeon Hwa's character and felt she was wonderfully developed. (no I do NOT ship Yeon hwa with WAng So) But I loved ALL these characters way more then I liked Soo because I felt they were better written and developed over all. Or WOo Hee for that mater I adored Woo hee and felt she was incredibly brace and strong

THEM: Ok but all these woman were ready to kill I like only Woo Hee from these three

ME: Court Lady Oh wasn't willing to kill. Also Lady Hae herself was another powerful and strong woman in her own right and she wasn't gunna kill anyone

THEM: But you say you liked these three

ME: both these women would've died (and one of them did) to protect the people they loved I forgot the other two xD well I mentioned Court Lady Oh XD but yeah basically any other woman in that show I found more engaging and compelling

THEM: Even Chae ryung? 😄 But Yeon Hwa was snake as well

ME: Soon Deok, Lady Oh, Lady Hae, Yeon Hwa, (hell even Yoo for being a horrible antagnosist and terible mother) Woo Hee.... all of these girls in my mind were better written and developed. yes even Chae Ryung I felt more emotion to all of these other women

THEM: But she was an evil traitor and liar

ME: in different ways yes but I felt SOMETHING I didn't nessicarily mean positive

THEM: Ok then I can say one thing

ME: or liking the character's decisions XD

THEM: You don't like Hae Soo in general Bc it's impossible to the same writers to write all these women and So itself To be poorly wrote Hae Soo in which I disagree ofc

THEM: You just don't like her for her character Like you found interesting everyone in this show except Hae Soo

ME: XD No I don't her character or how she was written...I felt 0 empathy for her on any level as a viewer, and I felt over all she made no sense as a character and was too unrealistic as a believeable character. I felt and could relate to the other characters in different ways. Yeon hwa for all her treachery I could see she was blindly pursuing her goals to protect her family (even though it was wrong). Lady Oh and Lady Hae and Woo Hee all were amazing and brave women yeah basically XD I did

THEM: Yeon Hwa wasn't protecting her family Like never

ME: It's not that I don't BLINDLY dislike her I have stated many times why I don't like or agree with her. ehh true XD she was just poisoned with greed but even she was interesting as a character

THEM: She just wanted power And So was for her just a beast to be tamed When Soo saw in him a kind hearted human and friend

ME: Well yeah XD I never liked YH and So together either

THEM: You didn't feel any empathy bc you didn't like her as a person, you felt no connection bc maybe you share only few traits with her. Most of the time when I watch dramas and movies, I feel no connection with characters. Especially western ones. I can say same things about beloved by many characters but I know that there are people who are like this particular heroine and they feel connection. Why she's not believable? She was betrayed many time, she fell for the wrong person, right person was always by her side and it took sonmuxh time to realize. She was to kind and to idealistic to realize many things earlier. I think it happened to many people. I felt her extremely relatable bc I would act same in many situations. Who am I kidding I would gone crazy after few days. But she had strength to not give up and accept the reality and live. She was acting so carelessly because she was allowed to, she felt love and protection from all the princes. She relaxed as if she was at home, in friendly atmosphere but after Lady Oh's death she realized that she can't and don't have right to live and behave like that anymore. It was a call that she's in medieval kingdom after all. I'm just saying that you don't feel empathy bc you don't like her as a person. And I feel like you belittle her and her strength

THEM: And I'm saying all of that considering how many times I was extremely mad at her and wanted to shout at her

Still I can't hate her or accuse in anything

She was in huge stress. She managed to survive for 10 in a toxic and suffocating atmosphere where she didn't belong.

ME: Yeah. XD Honestly I've stated many points on why I didn't like how she was written or her character as a character/person XD My friend who watched this series with me kinda pointed out to me too that she felt Hae Soo was "literally there to further the drama and development of the princes and she's a badly done character that was done injustice by baaaaaaaad writing." And my friend is in honors classes full scholarship majoring in developmental psychology. She likes a LOT of fiction, TV and admits she loves almost all types of characters and in her own words "has no standards for writing" xD IDK maybe we just see things differently My friend LOVED Wang so and the royal family and the story as a whole

ME: she just didn't like Soo either

ME: Maybe we should avoid the topic of Hae Soo when it comes to this show and stick to Wang So and the other Princes XD XD Cause yeah we'll never see eye to eye on it. might be safer that way ahahah ^_^;; I don't want to offend ya since you love her so much.

THEM: I don't even love her so much I really like her and I relate to her

ME: Ah Ok LOL xD Well either way I just really don't wanna step on toes XD

THEM: I just don't really get how you skip her in this story

THEM: It's unfair To the whole story and So itself Because neither of it happened without her She's a base of this story

THEM: Like if there's poorly written character - Jung Or he's just eternally stupid

ME: I loved So's development as HIM I just wished Hae Soo's character was different then I might support it more.

THEM: But she was a part of his development He wouldn't have became king without her

ME: I just didn't like him and Soo as a couple nor did I like how she was written nor her character itself.

I think he could've developed that same way were she a different person.

ME: Eh it's kinda like friend said, she was a plot device in that respect. xD

THEM: Fe She wasn't a plot device, she was a center of this story

ME: LOL Like I said, it's probably safer we don't bring up Hae Soo xD I could go on and on about Wang So and the rest of the family with positive praise. LOL

THEM: Ok give me an example of what kind of different female lead should have been there

ME: and deep love... but her... ehhhh character type?

THEM: I'm not the one who avoids uncomfortable topics Yes You also think she's unworthy of this love, right? Because she never showed it so openly as he did?

ME: (strictly character personality types, not ethnicity) Woo Hee, Lady Oh, Rose Tyler, Arwen, I could hoenstly go on

THEM: That's actually really funny that you mentioned lady oh Bc it's an older version of Hae Soo

ME: I mean after Lady Oh got wise to the world yes older and wiser much older and wiser matured

THEM: But nobody gets as older and wiser in such young age Without tough experience

THEM: You get wisdom from experience Fans you compare Woo Hee and Hae Soo/Ha Jin when they were raised ina different atmosphere It's same as people were comparing Wook and So

ME: I'm looking at personality types... not characters and backstory the**

THEM: But their character traits came from their experience

ME: I'm talking technical Like the character breakdown in writing

THEM: Oh, I see

THEM: Idk neither Arwen or Rose I can't see this kind of character in this kind of story

ME: not the characters themselves or their history.

Well no one is an elf from another world of fiction the other is a 21st century girl from London. XD But their character traits and personality/flaws are what I'm talking about. Not who they are or where they're from

THEM: Also, about Woo Hee. Her and Baek Ah and SoSoo are mirroring each other Showing that this type of people have light inside of them but life made them tondo some things that were corrupting them from the inside

ME: ehhhhhh they're different people maybe

THEM: They need someone with the light to help them to return to their natural state To soften their thorns That they forced themselves to grow in order to survive

THEM: Both of them didn't to chose to be who they are, the had to do it The other thing that showing is a Soo and Baek Ah talk in ep 19 Soo talks with Baek Ah possibly having her and So in mind Saying that Woo Hee wasn't selfish enough, she's the one who left and she's a bad guy

ME: hahahahahha yeahhh mental illnesss doesn't work that way... honestly that little comment really ticked me off.

THEM: Possibly referring to herself, fully recognizing that she and So weren't selfish and she's the bad guy, she hurts him badly by leaving him But as Woo Hee (here a woman sacrifice parallel) she leaves to protect So and their baby Which comment?

ME: the whole Woo Hee was the bad guy for killing herself kinda thing

ME: the context and situation was just bad for that cosnidering she committed suicide

THEM: She was more talking about herself

THEM: But she committed suicide not bc of mental illness She did that for Baek Ah and her people

ME: LOL Woo hee and soo are nothing alike... especially in that respect.

THEM: They both sacrificed their happiness for their beloved Soo just didn't die

ME: Woo Hee was unhappy from the start

THEM: Bc she was already severely ill and she had to deliver a healthy child

ME: even Baek Ah noticed that

THEM: Ofc she was She was a princess of fallen kingdom And had to become a kisaeng

ME: She probably suffered from depression and that was partially what drove her to suicide.

THEM: I think every single person in this story suffered from depression

ME: Well yeah.... xD in some ways But she was an extreme case

THEM: The other thing that her existence itself gave hope to Baekje people that their kingdom will be restored And So?

ME: So is a whole other can of worms with mental illness probably PTSD just to start

THEM: Let's be honest As a physical illnesses There's no completely mentally healthy person in this world And Soo? You think she wasn't traumatized? She had, in my opinion, the least stable situation

ME: she probably was and should've been...

ME: but the thing is

THEM: Because the huge contracts of upbringing and the reality she was put in The weight of responsibility and fear Fear that consumes

ME: that's even more of a reason why I felt she and So shouldn't have ever gotten together... and that their relationship (on top of the country) was toxic and unhealthy and should have never happened. and probably wouldn't have in reality

THEM: I just really familiar with this feeling when fear just blocks your rationality bc you just don't want to mess up Toxic and unhealthy?

THEM: There weren't any attachment, obsessions Jealousy And other stuff

ME: jealousy lies, possessiveness. For both of them it was an emotionally abusive relationship

THEM: Lies happens in all relationship Jealousy when? Emotional pain was cause not by them but by the circumstances they were put in

ME: she got sulky when he got married to Mu's kid (WHO WAS LIKE 12) she got jealous of YH,

THEM: If they lived in a hut in that village they would have grow old together with a  lot of children It wasn't jealousy

THEM: She thought he might be after throne And it's his ambition When she got jealous of Yeon Hwa?

ME: when she mentioned getting married to him... it wasn't outward but she refused to let go and see that she was not good for him as Queen. it was only when Ji Mong finally shut her down and told her how it is that it finally sunk in anyway this is just going in circles it's perspective and opinion. there's not enough content in the show to properly psycho analyze the characters sadly

ME: sadly**

THEM: Omg She wasn't jealous She simply didn't want the love of her lie to get married to other woman

ME: So was jealous of her though... and possessive

THEM: Bc she knew he didn't want it too He loves her

ME: I love him and I could justify it rationally

THEM: And proposed to her

ME: honestly it shouldve ended after Eun's death if not before then.

THEM: Relationship you're talking about is a complete utopia No lies, no jealousy

ME: LOOOL nah

THEM: Lies that told each other was motivated to protect each other for good Lame motive but still

ME: well yeahhhh it's called an honest and healthy one XD I'm not saying their aren't struggles but you don't lie to the person you claim to love.

THEM: In toxic relationship lies is motivated to manipulate your partner into doing what you want

ME: Lame motive and toxic in reality

THEM: Ofc you don't But you're measuring everyone from a modern mindset not considering that there's a whole empire on a stake besides them

THEM: That's the conflict of a whole story You can't have both a throne and love There's only one thing you can hold It not toxic It's problematic Toxic a strong word

ME: I'm very tempted to actually ask a psychologist this very thing someone who is certified to say what is toxic relationship and not given that period just to see if it's promlematic or genuinely a toxic circumstance

THEM: And when you say emotional pain. Well, in toxic relationship, emotional abuses is an intentional thing, right? They never did that, they never did something to each other to hurt and make them feel worse or unworthy, they did say something things to push each other bc they thought it would be better for them and will keep them safe.

THEM: I saw many discussions on tumblr on that matter Even from a psychologist

ME: uhhh unfortuantely tumblr is an echochamber of biasness

THEM: People who said it's toxic mainly aimed it on So

ME: and nah it's not always intentional

THEM: Other people said it's not And toxic relationship Soo nactually had with Wook

ME: you can be abusive and not realize it

THEM: But it's a natural thing We grow like that

THEM: It makes us stronger and wiser Then Baek Ah and Woo Hee is toxic Seon Deok and Wang Eun is toxic Ten and Rose is toxic Everything single relationship on tv and books is a toxic things

ME: Well asking my friend (who's taking psych) whether Soo and So were toxic... she didn't think so but she did think they weren't good for each other

THEM: Toxic is when relationship brings more pain and discomfort that joy and happiness but you can't quit due to development attachment and feelings

When it destroys your heart and soul

Am I right?

But SoSoo weren't destroyed by their love. They were destroyed by life and time, love was the only thing that brighten their days and kept them alive

ME: I wanted her imput because I feel she'd be more relatlly qualified and I DO sometimes misuse words

THEM: Now tell me, please, what are you favourite romances in fictional world that you think are healthy and perfect. So I could wholly understand your pov.

ME: There aren't any "perfect ones" but offhand Arwen and Aragorn... no not perfect but it was real Beren and Luthien, my friend said : A Court of Thorns and Roses Sarah J Mass Rhys/Freyre

also IMHO Keeping someone "safe" through lying takes away their agency and makes it seem like they're not competent to handle the situation Also jack/Ianto were great. 10/Rose Tyler were great they weren't perfect...

I don't read a lot of fiction I mostly watch TV shows and movies

ME: also katara and Anng from that TV series Avatar aang* PiperxLeo from Charmed

ME: Phoebe/Cupe from Charmed as well

ME: Peggy Carterx Steve Rogers

THEM: But Hae Soo actually couldn't handle the situation, like she couldn't stop the bloodshed in Wang family, only So could.

And when she was leaving him, she actually knew that he can hadnlaw the situation and marry her but it lead to clans rebellion, more blood and it will put him in huge danger

It wasn't a modern word, it's not that simple

Come on, like Ten didn't lie to Rose and didn't hurt her? Can't comment others not familiar

Piper and Leo - jealousy, lies, emotional hurting check check check, they even divorced

I'm mentioning things that you said about SoSoo, that's why I'm so repetitive

Phoebe and Cupe were unrealistically ideal and sugary and plane in my opinion

ME: I have read the comics too

THEM: Peggy and Steve they didn't even have a relationship Even a proper date Oh well

THEM: I'm judging by the movies It's just what you're mentioning appearing everywhere, in my opinion, it's just a context That makes it's toxic or not

ME: it's been years since I saw Charmed so  I'd have to rewatch it the show again.

THEM: Sometimes this checklists with definitions don't work I was obsessed so I remember some things