#idk i get it tho its useless tbh
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sooo younites new song for rtk… i am NOT okay i am so obsessed
kyungmuns high note rapper hyungseok deys rap eunhos part right before the end everything is so perfect
if you were to look into my brain rn all youd hear is 달려 달려 달려
#☆ ; dear diary ?#lowkey heartbroken tho bc its their first official ot8 release#but its sUCH a good song#gives major ateez vibes#i love!!!!!!#it also made me remember that i studied latin in school for 5 years#so i have the ✨advanced latin certificate✨#i always forget that i have it#n when i told ppl that i have it during my year abroad everybody was so shocked bc apparently not every country offers latin at school???#idk i get it tho its useless tbh#anywayz carmen fidei ksksks i drooled#and also#the rtk practice 3 behind pics#hyungseoks tiny waist makes me wanna kms#whats your secret bro tell me
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im sorryyyyy i dont wanna be a mean bitch but genuinely i feel like im the one of only ppl who are actually alone bc i keep seeing all of these ppl complain abt how alone they are then they post a bunch of pics with their friend groups and they go on trips and celebrate their birthdays with friends and im like 😦?????????? im ngl i lowkey feel betrayed bc like yes sure we can relate on "feeling lonely" but ig at the end of they day im so sorry im not saying this to gatekeep loneliness or whatever but like u just cannot relate to what it feels like to not only feel lonely but also be alone and not even have people who want to spend moments with u. and feel and be like on your birthday you're alone. on your insta you're alone. irl u dont have ppl who even want to make plans with u. i know i know that everyone's loneliness is valid and you can still have partners and friends and feel lonely and that is valid i really do think so. idk i just feel so fkn alienated from everyone, including people who say theyre lonely - bc they still have ppl to talk to and ppl to be with and ppl who wants to be with them and consider them their friend lol.... i dont have anyone to take pics with or have groupchats with or go to concerts with or go for walks with and i dont have anyone to message abt stupid things or blah lahblahblah it doesnt even matter atp
#and like i am really really lucky that i have one person i talk to on a regular basis and have been for almost two years#and that he stills wanna be friend even if hes seen my insane person rants abt him on here#like genuinely i'd prob slowly wither and die without having had experienced talking to him#ig its not even only other ppl it is my avpd#if i just send a message thats like casual everyday talk between friends#im first freaking out abt it for hours bc i obviously deserve to DIE for even bothering them with a message#so even if i long for certain things its like well yeah i cant do that bc i deserve to die and im worthless useless and a bother and burden#and why would i force someone to waste time on me when they have ppl out there who are actually worth their time#i dont know#i just feel sad bc i checked insta and someone who talks abt being alone often posted pics of them celebrating their bday with friends 😭#and ofc everyone are valid to feel what they feel!!!! i know that!!!!!! it just hurts selfishly lmaooo#bc i am lonely but i will spend my bday crying in my room alone#like i have been for the past years#not even my own family wants to spend it with me#i talk a little abt plans w my mom and she acts like im holding her hostage 😭😭😭#so idk she'll prob agree but it wont feel great bc i know she doesnt really wanna spend time w me#anyway...... we're all alone as i get to hear all thw time#its just that most ppl who are alone also have partners and friends and family members or even a therapist haha 👍#i dont care tho its all good ^-^#also one of my old bully friends is marrid and just got her baby and she messaged me like hii how are u?#like what do u even want me to say.... cool... u have traveled the world u have found love u have made a ton of new friends#while still having your old friend group (that i got dumped by) and u even have your own kid#i am a fkn loser who should just die tbh#so yeah im doing great hahahha just gonna kms real quick 😸🙌🏻#but idc tho 😁
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something something some yakuza antagonists ideals are completely valid and if they just went about them a different way the whole situation wouldnt have been life or death something something. something something i will agree with an antag (nishiki WHO SAID THAT) more if their reasoning behind what theyre doing is solid enough (yeah girl be mentally ill i support you i'll get you help too) something something
this goes for outside of yakuza too idk why im adding it but like. personally i love antags more than the protags because 1 more interesting 2 bro 99% of the time theyre just so mentally unwell if they had help as a child or just someone by their side supporting them enough in life they wouldnt be doing any of that shit 3 half the time theyre just. right. about the status of things? and i got that autistic sense of justice behind me so i automatically side with them like they go about it the wrong way but theyre right my bad 4 not all antags are evil even theyre literally there because the protaganist needs a foil the whole light needs dark dark needs light thing blah blah 5 theyre bad bitches i cant deny a bad bitch their non-heroic deeds.
i need to type up another slideshow about the intricacies of characters and why so and so did what they did or why so and so shouldnt be faulted for their ideals. god i love writing about characterization i love writing i need to write of course people can dislike "bad guys" theyre written to be disliked because of the perspective you see them from but i love being like oooh hoo hoo you are a hidden gem you are a diamond in the rough damn ya ass fat whats ya trauma? oh god this is long uhm. yeah :]
anon you're spitting but im too drunk to make a good response just know im nodding and listening and agreeing
#snap chats#i stand by that aoki's only flaw was that he was a republican#but Real i get you i usually like antags more than the protags#or i at least gush about them more#maybe its a psychological issue where i see bits of myself in them and can ergo relate#cough cough masato cough cough mine sorry who said that#moreover antags are just funnier. i can excuse 90% of crimes if you're funny#like antags are fun because they're like. they're like if we listened to every intrusive thought we had#like 'damn thatd be fucked if we did that let's watch this guy do it from the safety of our couch'#tho tbh anon ily but i feel like youre tping this mostly from a nishiki lens#cause what nishiki did is probably the easiest to justify from our antags ??#i mean ryuji was just fucking around tbh. his motives are funny#but mine wanting to kill a man he loves because he sees his life as useless now is p twisted#and i dont have to explain aoki we know. like there's no justifying those two's actions#there's reasoning but it's harder to justify them compared to akira 'everything went wrong so i became stronger' nishikiyama#he's the most sympathetic villain out of the batch My Drunk Brin Is Telling Me#idk where im going with this ramble anymore point is Ask Good
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haii can you do skz ideal types? like physique and personality. thank youu
Hi:) since i want to do those readings properly im gonna do them one by one and since i already have some for individual members i'll use this ask to start with chan:)
So, i originally started doing an Ideal Type reading but it got hijacked😅 so i guess im reading on his current energy. I'll try to still add something about his ideal type if i manage getting past the bitter energy but i think ill have to redo it some other time since i believe his opinion would be very influenced by his current feelings right now.
Take it with a grain of salt!!!
Chan's current energy / Ideal Typ
For his physical type i got pretty weird cards ngl, 3 of them are the tower, 5 of cups and 5 of wands, the 4th one's queen of pentacles. Tbh i didn't really get any hints about anything physical. He seems angry and bitter.
I think this reading is gonna be hijacked by something else he wants to talk about. I sense he has had a bitter experience thats still fresh in his mind, i think he got dumped tbh!
Like im seeing a situation with lots of bickering. Ogmg ok wait i have so much to say about it this situation has so many layers!
He feels like he lost something great and regrets his stupid actions.
At the same time tho he thinks its that persons fault and if they were better he wouldn't have acted in a way that would get him dumped.
But then again he feels like he's at fault and regrets it a lot.
But he's also so angry cuz they kept having fights, and she kept exhausting him and he kept not being enough. He feels horrible when he's not enough! He doesn't want to feel like that. He wants to live up to her expectations, to peoples expectations. But he just couldn't in this situation with that person.
It seems like he actually got himself a high quality girl - the he couldn't keep obviously. And he's in so much distress with all his conflicting feelings and thoughts. Im sry but im getting a bit angry at him here🙄 its that male stupidity with lack of accountability whatsoever! You cant expect to give the bare minimum, to be an excuse of a "man" and except to get all the perks real man and masculinity gets you! Deal with the consequences bro🙄 -> not necessarily meaning him, im just seeing the picture from his view, so idk how "horrible" he actually was, i was rather talking about the general population of useless men that just have the audacity to expect the best when they themselves aren't worthy of it and then get mad when they can't keep it.
Anyways back to chan - im also getting mommy's boy vibes here omg its getting worse😩😭 i feel like with this situation he's like "forget her bro, she's not worth it. Your mom used to cook and clean, and take care of 3 children and do everything by herself and she didn't whine and was always so giving. I want a woman like that! This girl wasn't lie my mother - she's not worth it, get over her and stop feeling guilty." Don't take that monologue word for word i was rather training to paint the feeling behind his thoughts.
So yeah we have that...tbh i didn't expect him to have a reaction like that like with the comparison to his mom. The rest i expected, but this? Damn🥲
Also this whole situation seems very dramatic, but what I've noticed in the male population overall is that they tend to blow things way put of proportion, and so knowing chan and his tendencies for a victim-complex, pick me, delulu and stuff - im pretty sure this situation might've been not dramatic at all. Just 2-3 little discussions (not full blown arguments and fights as he depicts it) or even just opposing opinions, where he just felt attacked in some way just by her disagreeing or something...and then after a few dates or weeks of dating she politely told him she doesn't want to see him anymore cuz they don't see compatiable and he broke down.
Again idk how things are for real cuz i haven read the other girls energy nor have i read just the energy itself, im just reading HIS energy and perception, but it feels really needy and excagerated so thats whats leading me to believe that it might not be nearly as bad.
So i managed to get some cards on his ideal types personality only and i got those: 3 of cups, 6 of pentacles, page of cups & king of wands.
His types a younger, more innocent and inexperienced girl he can take care of and teach and lead.
She likes a girl that's social but shy. Someone he can take with when meeting his friends and show of. But as i said - social enough for him to be able to do that - but but also shy so he stays sure that theres no risk of her "going wild" (goddamn bro u forreal?🫠)
Im actually getting something about physical appearance - slender, middle hight, like just a bit shorter than him, prefferably forreign with lighter skin and ginger or light brown or dark blonde hair. Im also seeing big head? Like yk this type of body with very slender narrow shoulders, long lanky arms and legs, but a bigger head where it also seems disproportionate to the body? Its so specific i almost think thats what his last girl looked like.
And he also wants a girl thats submissive and will see up to him and make him feel like a boss or a king or a ...daddy (🤢 im sry i just cant hold in the cringe)
In conclusion - i think this ideal type i got from the cards isn't his true ideal type but rather something that came out of spite. Like if i had to guess he's describing the girl he lost, but without her empowering qualities so that he doesn't get hurt.
Judging on the energy of this reading and previous ones ive done i think he has had a think for strong dominant women because he's fascinated with inner strength and power and always wanted to conquer a woman like that because in his head it meant he has that amount of power and strength the said woman had and even more - since he has managed to tame and conquer her. Now that he's tried tho he got met with the cold reality and got a slap in the face realizing he might not be fit for the task just yet and is just sour about it😃
As weird and unexpected this reading was i really enjoyed it cuz it was really shocking to me actually and even gave me a bit of a slap in the face, reminding me how he's just a man...and that he apparently does stupid things like any other guy too.
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“no one can know I can tell what people will manifest as!!” why not? ability detecting is basically torture. u could save sooo many elves so much wasted time. and just how do u think the neverseen will use this against u?? it’s literally useless to them. but it is useful to the elves. like SUPER useful. people can spend their whole lives training w their abilities before they even manifest. like omg keefe cmon
edit (I put this in a reblog but don’t feel like reexplaining it so I’m putting it here)
I get what ur saying about Keefe not wanting the council to exploit him and that having all those ppl go to him but I really think that’s the only good reason which is still a very good one bc it’s about what HE wants (but also think of terik who did it for a bit then stopped but occasionally does it for some people) tbh the only good reasons are Keefe just not wanting to and that’s fair. but honestly I’m talking about the use of the ability and how in the grand scheme and when Keefe is in a better mental place that it can be SOOOOOO useful and like when he’s past all this and is happy and healthy then I would say he should tell ppl about it even if he doesn’t open up to “readings”
with a ability training thing that was one of my main points (tho I did put it in the tags and those go away when u reblog 😒) but ability training is literally TORTURE. like they put these like 11 year old kids in burning hot rooms for hours hoping to trigger a froster… like that’s soooo unethical idk what the councils reasoning for that is. it’s literal child abuse and I’m not even kidding. its brushed off but omg wtf. and imagine going through all that only to discover you were talentless and all that was for nothing. like that would suck
and for the talentless. keefe not wanting to tell ppl they are talentless is a very valid and good reason, but aside from that I think his talent would be more helpful. bc it would give talentless ppl more time to grow up and adjust to the predugist (hate bc I can’t spell 😭) against the talentless. bc even though they would have to deal w it from birth, isn’t that better than living a normal life w friends then BAM one day ur talentless and all of ur friends stop hanging out w u. like ur WHOLE world would be flipped and it’s better to give the talentless more time to adjust to it imo.
also the schooling thing u meantioned is another reason knowing ur talentless form the start would be helpful. BECAUSE THE TALENTLESS ARE PULLED OUT IF FOXFIRE WHICH IS SOOOOO MESSED UPP. like they go to foxfire for like 3 years then the council is like “haha no ability? sucks for u lol! go off to a different school where u know no one and make different friends yk just forget ur whole life up to now haha” like WTF. (honestly the bigger problem here is how the talentless are treated but we already know that has to change so this is about how keefe can help).
also it could give “bad match” couples where one of them is talentless (like Kesler and juline) comfort to know their kid isn’t talentless. And if their kid is talentless then it saves them years from worrying over it and the suspense of it all. Also I just think knowing ur ability from childhood and being able to train for it before u even manifested would be soooo helpful
but in the end of the day yeah, keefe just not wanting to is the biggest thing. and I might be remembering incorrectly bc I haven’t read the book in forever but I remember something about keefe thinking he accidentally triggered the triplets abilities which would be more problematic but idk if I’m remembering it wrong. but I do think like years after kotlc ends (or when ever he feels ready) keefe should defo start using his ability for good. like it doesn’t have to be everybody. it can just be kids of q talentless parent(s) to help their parents out yk bc if two telepaths have a kid then it’s obvi going to be a telepath u don’t need keefe to tell u that
also the main point of the pre-editted post was about how he doesn’t want the NEVERSEEN to know bc he thinks they might be able to use it against his friends. like how. literally how? what use is it going to do them.
#bro it’s ur not special 🙄🙄#but seriously think of how much it could help people#I mean yeah they could tell who would be talentless then but that means the talentless won’t have to go through ability detecting for nothi#like and they wouldn’t have to go to foxfire only to be kicked out and wil have more time to adjust to the fact they don’t have an ability#it could also save a lot of “bad match” couples years of stress over if their kids will develop#keefe sencen#kotlc fandom#kotlc
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I'm so done
I don't wanna take care of myself anymore
I don't want to feel anything anymore bc anything I do for some sense of happiness ends badly, makes me feel worse (mainly due to my parents)
But I can't even fucking cry when I try. When I really need to?
But I hate feeling numb so maybe pain will work?
And of course my parents are just sooooo supportive (sarcastic voice). My mom keeps saying things that are basically calling me fat and sluggish. My parents won't let me do shit. Then they get mad at me for so many small stupid things.
They hate whenever I listen to music which is basically my only outlet.
school is fun bc I put on a mask and tell bad jokes and trip over myself to make sure everyone's happy and I'm not hated.
Whenever someone's mad or sad I feel its my fault even tho ik it's not but I feel horrible. And whenever I do share my true feelings they'll either laugh and dismiss it (which happens most of the time) or they get super concerned and I feel like I'm acting out for attention.
And idk I usually regret posting shit like this bc people are always rlly concerned but its sweet considering yall care about me a lot more than most ik irl but plz don't waste ur time over me. Im an attention seeking bitch whos not worth ur time and is js venting
Church and youth group is just great bc God don't care about me. I believe he exists bc I swear he has a grudge against me but he don't bother about me. And I feel like I'm getting preached at whenever I go. But I love the people there and can't really not go to church bc of my parents
And home is just SO MANY FUCKING CHILDREN
Like wtf I'm the oldest, then I get three siblings, which is fine, i love them they're js rlly annoying. Then they get into foster care. Then they stop. Now they're adopting someone. Now they're taking in six boys.
And ik the home is supposed to be a safe space and that's great but I feel so out of place and unwanted and useless. I literally take up a room, a drawer in the bathroom, I eat food. I shower, I use electricity, and tons of money
And I can't get a moment of peace, its literally do this, do that, and chores is good for taking responsibility but like wtf. I feed 1-8 children, get half of them dressed, help with brushing hair and teeth. Now I have to help them learn to read. Help them do their homework. Take them on a walk. Change the diaper.
Wtf this is parenting stuff I shouldn't have to be doing this everyday. My mom doesn't even have a job, she just has two kids during the day and will have to pick kids up (we all go to the same school except for one who takes the bus) and I'm yelled at all the time for being incompetent? For not finding a mess to clean up in a room I haven't been in all day?
For not doing homework when I'd helped everyone else? For not having time to get myself ready bc I have to get kids ready? For not exercising when there's literally no time? For not reading when I don't have any freedom. For saying yes, for saying no, for not having anyextracurricular, for having one?
My mom yells at me that I don't talk to my family enough or spend enough time with them. Do you know how many times I've tried to tell a joke or a cool fact or something funny that happened at school and they yelled at me to be quiet? How many times I've tried to tell them about my friends or a project at school or a new interest I've picked up to be insulted by them? They never fail to point out some flaw or traits that they don't like. How I didn't do something correctly.
Do you know how badly I've wanted to hear "I'm proud of you" in a nondissmissive way? From my family? I heard that from a teacher once in my life. Best memory ever.
I'm so fucking useless and unwanted and numb and tbh i deserve the pain and suffering of life. The mask at school and youth group may crumble and hopefully they'll dismiss me but they almost might get rlly concerned and ill js be the attention seeking bitch like I always am.
Oh God please ignore me. Don't be concerned. Don't waste your time on me. I'm js being a dumb little teen. Sorry if you read that all
#sorry#i just needed to vent#tw sh implied#I'm sorry#I'm so sorry#I should just delete my blog and disappear#No one would miss me#I'm so unmotivated#I'm not suicidal normally#I just use sharp stuff bc it feels good#thanks for listening#I probably didn't tag this right and its gonna come up and trigger someone#God I'm SORRY#please ignore me
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vv brainrot continuation:
dad, I missed you (mom, I missed you)
that cute "feels so good" sound (pink drink, I really want to try it)
hugs in bed are the same as after joob’s funeral
part 3/4 damn music from vice versa! aof, fuck, just admit everything already!
we got lost (and found our local glasshouse)
bonfires and songs with guitar
return of shirts (and they smell like each other. what could be more erotic)
interrupted kiss (okay, not because of bad breath)
the description of the sky is worthy of rawi’s palette the guys were right, this damn miss universe appeared before our eyes. lord, I'm not completely alive, monica. what about you? you know, maybe sea didn’t lie, and the remaining episodes won’t be sad even despite the breakup, bc the worst and most expected has already happened, and then everything will go easier. william's song brought me to tears, it's beautiful! and I liked day's version. its so romantic. but, forgive me, the bed scene could have been much better, the angles and amount of blur didn’t turn out very well, and, tbh, I expected more tactility from day, so that he could study mork’s body with his hands. it was so important to him, but they showed it to us very quickly and didn’t spend enough time on it. but I really liked that they were presented as switch, moving away from the nightmare clichés, it's great. the scene on the mountain is the pinnacle of it all, and lord knows the boys pulled it off superbly. it was so emotional. I crumbled like sand and don’t know how I’ll recover by next week. monica, share your brainrot, I’m sure I missed everything possible bc I was so busy in the bed scene.
SORRY PINKYBRAIN IM AFRAID IM GONNA BE COMPLETELY USELESS THIS TIME AROUND I SWEAR I EVEN TRIED TO REWATCH THE EPISODE TO PICK UP MORE PARALLELS BUT I ONLY ENDED UP SOBBING ON THE FLOOR WHILE CLUTCHING A BUNCH OF SCREENSHOTS TO MY CHEST
and you've already pointed out all of these moments but allow me to put them side by side anyway because!!!!!!!
[CHANTS] COMFORT SHIPS COMFORT SHIPS COMFORT SHIPS PORTRAYED BY THE MOST COMFORT BOYS JUST SO COMFORT SHAPED COMFORT SHIPS!!!!!!!!!
and even if these two moments can’t really be compared THEY INVENTED EMOTIONAL FOREHEAD TOUCHES TOO!!!!!!!!
my personal emotional devastation aside, tho, i do think there are some parallels to be drawn between episode 9 of vice versa and episode 9 of last twilight, between puen on an island finally accepting his life in the original universe and by the end "gaining sight" on who talay really is, and day on a mountain finally accepting going blind and having his last sight being mork. i also think it's interesting that in last twilight (the ost) at one point there's the line "my heart cherishes the memory of us" while in vice versa the very last line of friend credits' second movie is "though we aren't together tomorrow, you're always here in my memories". like idk if it's a reach but both shows are about seeing when you can't really see (not just in the literal physical sense) and acceptance and carrying this love that helped you through it all with you and i just think someone with a brain activity currently higher than my own could make some connections!!!!!!!!
i personally did like the sex scene (i've talked about it here a little if you're interested), but i think i also get what you mean. if it were for me we would definitely have gotten a 17 minutes long one take focused on day's hands as he traced every part of mork's body starting from his face and slowly making his way down to his feet. but at the same time i wonder if it would have made sense for their first time. i feel like day was already so preoccupied with his sight being almost gone that what he needed in that moment was to get lost in the feelings rather than commit mork's body to memory. and who knows, last twilight has already broken p’aof’s habit of having only a couple of kisses in his shows, maybe it will make him give us another intimate scene too!!!
#once again i apologize for being useless but this episode really destroyed any trace of sanity i had left ;;;;;;#if i ever catch some other parallels in the future i will definitely let you know!!!!#last twilight the series#vice versa#morkday#puentalay#m: ask
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ok FINALLY
most iconic twitter layout tbh before my fucking account got nuked (opened it up during a religion lesson thought god suspended me . it was actually copyright violations . right when i almost hit 4.4k) . that girlie is jean grey shes a fucking icon idk if you heard of her . one of the og xmen (token girl) she is insanely powerful she goes nuts several times over the course of her comics career . icon . thats from the new xmen (2000) run, its actually really good if you ever want to get into comics you should definitiely read it
my BESTEST girl im sure youve seen me rave about her before . i think that pic is from uncanny avengers . good enough comic . had my favourite love interest of hers in it (jericho aka doctor voodoo . hes cool) . i had this one for agessss
yet another bestest girl . this is daisy johnson she is perfect in every concievable way . shes bisexual (not canonically but the actress did say oh absolutely when someone asked about it . her ass is so fruity though she looks like she kisses men and women) . shes a hacker . she has fucking awesome earthquake superpowers . shes so mentally ill . i love her . also her mum . number one evil milf .
MY GIRL LENNYYY shes such an icon canon lesbian played by aubrey plaza you dont really get too much better than that . she gets possessed at one point and goes nuts as you can see in this image . that whole sequence is great . the whole show is really fucking trippy and its actually really good andddd i gotta finish it i got chucked into a new hyperfixation around the time i was trying to finish it sadly . its so good tho .
also this is the longest time i had a none marvel pfp i think . this is laurits . from a show called ragnarok idk if youve watched it but they are the best and i fucking love laurits . reincarnation of loki if im remembering how that all worked correctly . very queer as most lokis tend to be (excluding that useless piece of shit sylvie)
anyway sorry for all that this turned into less of a favourite layouts and more of an annoy you about all my faves
you are never annoying friend i love hearing abt ur blorbos
#i ! do not know any of them ! so it is fun to hear abt them !#well minus that one girlie u like. i think
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Kinda sad posting again cause I saw something about blindness awareness month and that brought up something I don't wanna think about.
not like posting it here is gonna help me forget about it or that it happened in the first place...
just something stupid in my life that makes me think I'm kind of a failure somehow...
was getting help from rehab for the blind during high school
vocational help from them and schooling/mobility aids, its how I got a red and white stick to signify blindness
have anxiety
get out of school and talk to them once or so out of school
too afraid to get job
too afraid to go back to school after I dropped out of college after high school
fail to contact them again because anxiety
fail to do a bunch of stuff due to anxiety i guess
get letter that due to no contact from me they are no longer aiding and helping me find a job/work/schooling
get income from blind pension fund and ssi cause disabled
too anxious to go to school again or look for work
become NEET who just helps sibling/plays games/watches anime
feel like a failure
idk how I feel about that or what tbh... is it my anxiety's fault or my own?? why do I feel like such a failure about it??
am I a failure??
I feel like that sometimes.... Tho I help my sibling and mom so I'm not a failure... Give the bank and places I work with (therapy office, bank, doctors offices...) gifts like candy or coffee for the break room sometimes just cause I feel they're unappreciated.
Like to give people stuff and help whenever I can...
So I'm not a failure....
so why do I feel like that...?
The White trying to trick me?? That's what I'd like to think anyway... The call of the void?? Or just an intrusive thought??
My vision is bad and I'm anxious; but I'm not a failure surely....
I hate that a post about (disability awareness month of all things; a good positive post telling people about it) brought about such feelings...
idk what to think about it... and hopefully me typing this out will help me forget about it.....
sorry for the depressing, sad boi hours personal post.
I'm not one to feel sorry for myself or throw a pity party; and despise people who do.... That's not what I'm doing..... Just airing out my thoughts and thinking mainly......
It's probably just an intrusive thought and meaningless..... I'm not a failure, nor useless... I'm a great help to the people around me even if only an ear to listen to what they're going through....
I'm not a failure....
..... right?
at least it's not me complaining about and trying to figure out whether I'm transgender or not cause that's another thing I overthink about and am genuinely not sure about but i really don't like being female sometimes but being a guy, or seen that way anyway (like that would ever happen anyway), might not be any better anyway.... idk....
been running that thought process around in circles for almost a decade and I'm still not sure.........
my indecisive self......
*internal screaming*
#personal#deeply personal#thoughts#thinking#i think too much#sad#sad boi#sad boi hours#life#life stuff#rip positive post about blind awareness month#i hate my brain#intrusive thought?#low vision#visually impaired#legally blind#anxiété#anxitey#anxienty#anxi4ty#anxeity#anxceit#failure#i'm not#I'm not a failure#it's just an intrusive stupid thought right?#neet
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oooooh tell me more how u feel abt striker! me, personally, i adore him in oops but don't care for how he was handled in western energy 😒 the fight scene against mnm is my fave in show, tho!
oh my god i been waiting for this question!! everytime an ep drops with him in it i spamm my Friends about how i feel
me everytime hes on Screen
so i must apolgize this Just all my thoughts written into one messy text
u gotta know tho i absolutely love that Western outlaw bullshit like the Moment someone looks like that? i am eating it up its a gulity pleasure
his first appearnce was so cool i mean i did find the whole "hes the better Version" jealously trope kinda boring
but Striker was so cool during and did not acutally have anything"romantic" going on with millie just saved that for me
he has at least in his first ep that eat the rich mentallity that Always wins my heart the fact that hes queer also maybe did make me like him more cuz Cowboys should be gay 😁 nah fr he was giving me queer outlaw and the fact that everytime he Attacked someone it was acutally "scary" at least for the characters like sorry but
in a show thats about Killing and yk treats it as a joke to make him choke moxxie and have it genuinly feel threating was just awesome
u just knew he was different from the other villains
his Style was honestly fake Cowboy but i think we all know that the thing is its so stylish that i just dont care
Striker just eats with almost everything he did in the ep and the voice only made it better i even honestly like his second voice actor too but that may be cuz i am based
and yk its all good until the next time he Shows up and they start to make jokes 🥲 and its like WHY like he even swears like all the time which he didnt before and it takes from his whole vibe away ☹️ but yk i can forgive that cuz he literally Kidnapped stolas and the fact that hes working for stella gives him that lil hypocritic that i just love so i was yea its okay especially when he was on that horse 😙
and the fight scene was also awesome and i tbh found even "Harder" joke funny Where he just keeps having his fights be sexual and hes like wtf ACUTALLY if that would have been his first 'fuck' in the show it would have been 💯 funnier
but u could like feel that he gotten a whole less scary even tho he acutally harmed stolas
and that that mess of the third ep where he still has this cool vibe but its just completly runied by the fact that hes not scary that he has in the lost his cool and every other character is just weirdly useless next to him
him working with moxxies dad could be Potential for Angst tol but i honestly dont like Striker working with ppl i Think he is that loner and it fits him yk? but thats fine until he totally loses to blitzo and fizz even if his other fights were so cool? and now he looks like a rat which is still funny but kinda sad yk?
its Basically i can appricate the funny parts but its also so sad to his such a cool character be the butt of a joke 🥲 like it ruins him
BUT i still love him and i wish we acutally got to know more? like his Mixed , hates royals , is homeless and works with stella? like the Potential is so wasted
and i cant even see it working if they do try because even tho we have this whole opression shit going on the show keeps fucking it up? like imps supposed go be low?? but theres one thats a Mafia head theres on thats a star like sure they can be that but if so many can do that then blitzo and Striker just look dramatic next to it
or the fact that they keep making the sins nice at least some of the rich nice its just it makes Striker look like hes upset over nothing
anyway with all that out of the way .. i also think hes hot i am sorry especially the whole snake sounds and shit he has going on? yea idk
ps
i do kinda like him getting more unhinged the more he shows up? like ooo hes crazy too i love that
#striker helluva boss#take this with a grain of salt#striker#helluva boss Striker#helluva boss#just my thoughts in a big bowl#also i really like to headcanon him as ace#and make him use sex as a Manipulation tatic#“why is Always gotta be a sex thing”#so real Striker
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What do you think of confrontation? All of my life I have been scared of expressing myself when something bothers me. I always remained silent. When I found the law, I was relieved because "oh, I don't need to express anything, I can stay quiet and just imagine things changed and everything will fall into place" i felt comfortable with that, but I knew deep down that there were many times where I wanted to speak, but felt like it was useless or was going to "ruin" my manifestations. I usually have moments where I wish I had reassurance but never feel the right to ask for it. Watching Dylan James was a safe space because he talks a lot about non-confrontation and I think he's right about most of it but... confrontation is normal I guess and may be needed??? Idk.
The point is, I recently had a discussion with my "SP", with him it's been a never ending story of on and off communication. He always ghosted me and then I would "manifest" him back, blah blah. Yesterday I was so triggered and this time instead of keeping it to myself, I basically told him everything that I was feeling. And like, yes it didn't solve anything, but it felt so right to finally defend myself. To finally feel like I had the right to speak. I ended up apologizing because I recognized it was all a response coming from a trigger. I did not regret saying what I said tho. What I did feel bad for, was because I started the drama out of nowhere because I was spiralling, I honestly had no real motives. He ended up getting mad and like, it does make me sad, but at the same time why would I want something to do with someone with whom I can't express myself with? I get it that maybe I could see this from a different perspective, but... right now, in this moment, what I know for sure is that I don't want this kind relationship in my life. I deserve better. I also deserve to be better for myself and find more validation within rather than waiting for someone to give it to me.
This felt like the beginning of me being more true to myself.
okay by the end of this i was SCREAMING YESSSSSSSSS ANON YESSSSSS. all of this.
i had a similiar experience last year, actually, creepily similiar. because i too, was like, always really into dj and his perspective on things. and then suddenly i was like well wait a minute. what if i did speak my mind and start standing my ground ? i think its such a slippery slope. because i think some people can do the non-confrontational thing and thrive. but for me it made things fester inside of me, resentment would grow, and i would kind of just gaslight myself along the way about how i need to be more understanding of bs. anyway, for me it began with a friend though. and it was hard and difficult, and it didnt go the way i wanted it to because just like in your case, they reacted more defensively than openly. and sometimes, i get waves of "did i truly handle that well ? was it right for me to open up and finally say how i feel ?" and im like yeah. absolutely. for the exact same reasons you realized. i also don't want to be in relationships where we can't have open communication and actually be open enough to want to move forward together. and funny thing is, after that whole thing collapsed, i literally met someone who knows how to have healthy communication, to the point where i was challenged and i had to, and have to, actively work on being a better communicator and being aware of my triggers. knowing how to express them well, rather than shutting down or feeling too scared to because of the conditioning of my past. and theres so much space held for me now, for expressing myself authentically and openly. that sometimes i dont even know how to act, LOL its been wonderful but so terrifying at times. and i absolutely love it tbh. its so beautiful here and its lovely to be experiencing so much love like this.
i guess i say all this to say that you absolutely did the right thing. following your heart, being true to you, will always be the truest and most right thing. and even if that includes confrontation, then so be it. you will see how there are people in the world who are going to hold space for you and be so open to the way you authentically express yourself. now that you finally realize it, the world is realizing it too. what a lovely beginning <3
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[parasocial bestie] I LISTENED TO YHE SONG AND SAW THOSE LYRICS AND I JUST. UE. UEUUEUEUEUUEHRGDHHHHHHH UEHHHHH a place,, whwere ppl treated u like a person,.. ur always a person 2 me,... crying shitting on hte floor
anyways thingkin abt the brainrot thing again (its ok to publish ye) im not the type to have Too many ppl involved but like. if thers gonn be another person id have nahida paying a quick visit. maybe. mayhaps on the times lumine, after xiao wakes up and telling her she shouldnt stay with him all the time and to focus on her quest, prolly goes to sumeru and nahida had the interest to take a looksee at the neighbour liyue. lumine brings her to the inn where he recovers. hes a lil down, a lil tired, still on the weeks he could barely stand properly. physiotherapy Sucks. living Sucks. nahida wud be there for advice, for reminiscing- for books (lumine had brought back books before, borrowed from house of daena, theres a hella lot of scenes i had merely on lumine wasting time before and after xiao woke) for dreams and everything.
gosh its the way i can tell u every lil scene i had of pre and post-awakening. tho idk if u like paimon cus im also super attached to her and said screw her in-game hyv staff projection dialogs JDJAJFHHSHF anyway!! nahida. like Man nahida xiao dynamic can be so personal, not as personal as zhongli but she has perspectives of how it is to simply be open and accept things and how it feels to be restrained from what you truly want to do with ur own hands. about curiosity, about learning, about being young methinks.
xiao takes a while to adapt to it all when the incident reverts his mindset to being Useless Worthless Lamenting, but to have all of these ppl who isnt just there to make him feel better, but also to themselves, is an unknown comfort he needed yknow i justfkkehrjshhfjrjshshhdhd my words are G O N E
XIAO AND NAHIDAAAAAAAAAAAA explodes and dies. the advice the reminiscing the Books........ they could have such simple little conversations that even for a short time bring his mind away from the exhaustive pain that is Everything Else.... curiosity and learning and be young GODDDDDDDDDD im so. thinks about very few people Being There but people who know xiao, whether just barely or through zhongli speaking of him or through lumine speaking of him, wishing him well sending regards and how does that make any sense? that those who know so little about him would care that he gets better? why would any of them take the time to say anything at all? and zhongli and lumi and nahida and paimon all doing just. countless big things, sure, but also little gestures, things to make him more comfortable or help him heal or take his mind off things. undeniable acts of love and care at all times.
paimon is !!! complicated. i LOVE her in theory but i hate her ingame. one of the first genshin fics i Ever read and still one of my favorites to this day characterized her EXTREMELY well imo and because of it i do admittedly have an attachment to her and everything she could've been, i love love love the way they wrote her and lumine like its so fucking important to me nadsfnmdsfamnfndsg. "screw her in-game hyv staff projection dialogs" LITERALLY SO REAL she deserves better. tbh.
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HI AGAIN MIKI! Sorry abt this novel of an ask /D UR RIGHT CHILDE'S DESIGN IS UGLY aksjfnaks these arent even hot takes tbh theyre just facts! also candace yeah hers is... i agree. Things i like abt her are her shield + heterochromia (nod) + her colours! and ah dont get me wrong i love bennett, and ofc razor! (he was the first 4star i pulled and im v attached to him) my irks towards their designs are mainly bc i think they deserve better. and i think ur completely right regarding ayato’s design! Smth more traditional (like ayaka’s?) wouldve been a lot neater + fitting! every time i look at his long sleeves i cringe just a bit (hes one my mains tho pfft). and yeah abt sumeru! after all the orientalism, insensitivity, tone-deafness by hyv throughout the region i rlly dont like many of them… at least design wise, tho i like their actual personalities! (srry nilou + nahida + dori) also obvs bc of how white they all are ugh yup ur right. reason why my fave sumeru chars are cyno + collei who imo can do no wrong + i already liked them from the manga lmao (i would type more abt sumeru but its just beating a dead horse @ this point)
Oh yeah i love those designs too! Kazuha is such a bby girl :)) And kokomi!! her pastel colours + attacks are so pretty! what chars have ur favourite ult animations + why? which are the ones u’ll never get sick of? (i love yelan’s, shenhe’s + xinyan aka my beloved who deserves More) I hope im not bothering u w/ these questions btw but i rlly enjoy getting to know my mutuals! (also i rlly appreciate u putting the accents over my name, tysm it rlly warms my heart!)
TŪĪ HI AGAIN!!! im so happy to see your reply!!
ajsfdlk im VERY GLAD we agree on the childe part (his design really is UGLY) and many of the other things too!!! just saying things as they are bc we are absolutely correct 😌 oh and yes i understood what you meant abt bennys and razors designs! their designs are indeed quite basic and simple and they could have had better ones for sure. its just that i really like their characters and im already a bit attached with the designs they have but that doesnt mean they couldnt have or deserved better ones! and abt ayato, yes i was exactly thinking he should have like a male version of ayakas design!! and was so disappointed when he didnt. those long sleeves.... ajkdlfs i get you yeah, theyre so WEIRD and useless they only serve as ayatos boba tea storage
abt sumeru... yeah hyv is def not listening and just doing what they want and its. so disrespectful. ughhh the characters do really deserve better design wise yeah. and collei is one of my fave sumeru characters too! i also saw her first in the manga (tho idk if i ever finished the manga? bc it wasnt complete in the official website when i read it) and then seeing her again in the main story, years later and with the remaining sequels of all she had suffered before.... i love her a lot she deserves all the love in the world 💜
ooh and my fave ult animations! the prettiest for me is probably kokomis animation! i love how she makes like a water swirl and everything turns blue and purple its so so pretty!! i also love kazuha (all the anemo and maple leaves around him is so Beautiful) and ayakas ult (she looks so pretty with her sword and her hand fan right about unleashing a huge cryo swirl) a lot. oh and hu tao yoimiya and albedos too! (i feel like im just mentioning my mains at this point but well ajkdlfk i see their ults a lot so is normal that theyre my faves ig!) and ooooh shenhes ult animation is also very very pretty i really like hers too! and xinyans!! her ult is def the best from all the 4 stars, its sooo cool how she sets her "stage" on fire and YES she does deserve a lot better bc shes an amazing character and i love her a lot too!
oh and dw youre not bothering me at all!!! on the contrary im always so happy to see your asks!!! i love interacting with my mutuals too and i really like talking to you! and abt your name yes of course! i made sure to write it as it is and that includes the accents obviously!
now i have a question for you! well, several questions actually but theyre all related: which are your fave genshin characters? which of them do you have, or rather, which 5 star characters do you have in general? is there any character you dont have that you really want? and finally, what are you fave teams to play with?
okay now i thinks that all for now! hope you have a great day!! <3
#ask#i wrote the questions here bc it was faster for me but let me know if you prefer that i send you an ask with them!
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i'm gonna be honest i like do not get the people who rail hard against voting (US)...
like...i think we can all agree that trump is the worst option for literally everyone. why not vote to at least keep him out of office? what do you lose by voting? do you actually gain anything by NOT voting? i havent seen a single argument against voting that actually solves the problem at hand: trump and project 2025. or any problem tbh. theyre certainly not offering up alternative solutions
i also wonder how many of these people actually do vote in their local elections (which often DOES lead to very direct change that you can see with your eyes real-time) or like even donate to charity or volunteer. like do they do anything other than be doomers online? have they actually listened to or worked with people who have started effective grassroots movements or made meaningful change in their communities? because those people aren't advocating against voting...
like okay, you can be mad about how our voting system works. its bullshit. much of the political landscape is. but that doesn't mean it's 100% useless to participate in...and outside of a glorious revolution that no one actually wants to happen because glorious revolutions suck, the best way to enact meaningful change would be to come out in droves for primary elections when applicable, campaign locally for more progressive policies and undoing gerrymandering, restoring prisoners voting rights, advocating for ranked choice voting, etc...
like i get the bitterness about "vote blue no matter who". the situation sucks. but its also true that another biden presidency is better for literally everyone than a trump one. idk. i don't really care about your personal political ideology if you're willing to fuck everyone over for no palpable reason
idk like. sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. and in this case it is voting so that project 2025 doesn't happen
EDIT:
sorry for real tho i see like "we gotta send a message that dems need to be further left we need to send a message protesting the genocide" ok but is sending a message more important than avoiding a trump presidency wherein he decides to genocide people harder both internationally and domestically
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posting because the psychicatrist decided to get sick when im having a crisis?:
idk where to start tbh LLOOL but i think im NOT DOING WELL. like on the outside evertytthings fine like nothings changed at all but i think im going insane. i think ive just realized how i have like 0 emotional suppoport system and whenever someone says something genuinely nice about me it makes me feel emotional because like i had family visiting this past week and my mom and my cousins tarted talking about college and my mom was saying how i wasted money going to college. i said that i didnt feel like i wasted my money becasue i have a degree now and i could always go back and get my bachelors but she said "BUT WHAT ARE U DOING EITH IT" and it just pissed me off because i feel like shes negating my accomplishment.
what made me cry last night was when i was messaging this guy and he was telling me about how he had class in the morning and we started talking about college. i told him how i was thinking about going back to school in january and he said i should.
for some reason i feel like getting my degree in psych would be cringe or a waste of time/money because my friend told me everyone she knows who did thinks so, like its some useless art degree. but when i asked this guy if it was cringe he said "so cringe... imagine having ambitions" im fucking stupid and didnt notice the sarcasm and i said "might as well start playing bucket drums on the street ig" because idk i guess i imagine getting a degree in psych would be just as dumb as someone trying to make it in the music business by playing on the street or something. he said "everyone thats going to college has ambitions. So in that case we all need to go play street bongos" and that perspective completely exploded my brain and i started crying LMAO because i guess going to college is a risk no matter what and u just have to believe in urself or some gay shit. it made me think of a taz cameo where he told someone that "nobody is gonna support your journey no matter how much they love you until youve proved to them that your journey was worth supporting" and that made me sad kinda because like i said i dont think i really have any kind of support from family rn and i kinda just have myself but i have like 0 confidence and negative self esteem and my family just being dissapointed in me and saying negative stuff really doesnt help. so i guess the moral of the story is that i have to trust and believe in myself because no one else will! really sucks i think. yeah but i only just started talking to that guy like YESTERDAY and im sure he prob felt like what he told me was nothing but it really did impact me and pulled the last tiny string that was emotionally holding me together. i apologized for being cynical and i told him i appreciated his words because i was kinda responding in a joking way that might have come off as rude i think? the silly bandaid just isnt working so good no more.
but fr i think while my anxiety is a lot better i think my depression is getting worse just due to my circumstances. like can u believe i almost went to the movies with some stranger internet guy just because i didnt want to be with my family?? i think somethings making me more impulsive than usual. i was going to buy cigarettes today and the only reason i didnt was because my appointment got canceled.
some other things tho i kinda didnt like having my cousins come visit because i just feel so inferior to them. like they look better and are just doing kinda all the stuff i should be doing yk? makes me feel shitty AND i feel like my mom just kinda infantilizes me like my parents treat me like nemo and i just cant do some things for some reason. its just so frustrating like my parents make me upset and i just want to move far away from them but also like they dont encourage me to do stuff on my own and when i try theyre like how are you even gonna do that you cant do that you have a bad fin like HELLO HELP ME FIX MY FIN THEN? I WOULDNT HAVE A BAD FIN IF YOU DIDNT HELP PREVENT IT IN THE FIRST PLACE LOL BUT IT JUST SUCKS THAT I HAVE TO DO ALL THIS BY MYSELF
i just dont want to be living here in like 5 years. thats a goal huh? if i had been asked where i wanted to be in 5 yrs when i was in high school id be like idk but i somehow managed to grow a goal somehow just out of misery i guess. and the steps are so cleaar in my head but then the voices tell me i cant do it because im scared BUT thats the point of life or something right??
jesus chhrososttt in reality nothing is really changing irl but im having some sort of crisis rn
ive even been trying to talk to boys LOL ive just been wanting some kind of escape from my life,, some independence, i want MY OWN LIFE that my mommy doesnt know everything about. i want to go to the movies with someone im not related to.
ok these paragraphes are all fucked up and i would fix it but i dont wanna go through and reread them
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Let’s talk platforms. And by that I mean each social media and what I think of them. (Nobody asked)
Even though I’ve known and had Tumblr for a while now I think I truly slept on it cuz you can literally share anything and everything on here and so easily too. YOU CAN EVEN AUTOMATICALLY TURN VIDEOS INTO GIFS !!! that’s so cool. Tumblr ftw! I might even leave spacehey and come here to blog instead idk
Posting pictures on Instagram nowadays is useless and tiring bc the quality goes down the fucking hill and making a carousel of pics and videos is even worse of a fucking nightmare like I’m truly and genuinely tired of this platform. EW. Also I’ve been on this app for 10 years at this point it’s just getting tiring to look at.
Twitter is going down like them stayc girls too. As much as I’ve always loved twitter, I’ve had it since I was 12 and it’s just sadly going to die. It got worse the last 4 years. Back then it was the shit. I remember introducing all my friends to it at school.
YouTube is still the shit imo and it’s never gonna die because it’s on its own lane! The only negative thing I could say about it is I wish they’d get rid of these idiotic reels. nobody wants to see that shit. If u want braindead 10 seconds content just go on Toktok bitch!!!
Toktok…. I’m not talking about that bitch….. Worms….. in your brain…. if u still got that stupid ass app. Hate it to my core.
Snapchat. I left this app in 2017 and I didn’t know PEOPLE STILL USED THAT SHIT???? like in 2023 a lot of people still use it!! I had no idea until I met my friends last year and they told me they still use it on a daily basis. And tbh I get it. It’s easy. Convenient. Especially because snapchat is a great app when it comes to securing your information and operates on its own, and is not selling your infos to third party apps (is what I’ve heard…) Zuckerberg take notes!!!!
Facebook: ...
Do we consider Pinterest a social? idk. I like it nonetheless. BUT I preferred WHI when it came to the variety of pictures you could choose from. Pinterest only gives u the most popular ones n shit idk but it’s not the worse tho and I like how it works with the boards n stuff so I use it often.
Don’t get me started on WhatsApp.... dear GOD this app is AWFUL and takes SO MUCH SPACE FOR NO FUCKING REASON like it stores everything on your phone every video every fucking tiny bit of content takes space girl BYE Messenger is so much better >>>>>
I think that’s p much all I had to say.. thanks for reading and bfore I go........
Special mention to Vine💚 I miss it so much. Was such a great app especially for editors!! So sad they sold it to stupid twitter now it’s gone they couldn’t even afford to archive the damn data of the website so like soooo many profiles are gone too including mine. :(
OK Bye!!!!!💋💋💋
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