#idk how to describe it or why i just really cant get 'inside' that world like i can w stuff like animation or games

[haemosexuality]

i am simply a fan of media that is deeply unapologetically sentimental plus has cool as fuck and sometimes terrifying lore

i really wish cartoons werent such a niche interest for ppl who r older because soooo many cartoons are like actual masterpieces but theyre simply not for everyone. it makes me really sad

[changbinsboobs]

interesting so you would say its quite accurate to how they would personally view xyz things? do you then get dreams of them often or not at all? if you get the same info months later then u would know its accurate to what they personally desire or idfk maybe they prefer something else later down the line but i read readings on several groups and theres quite a few similarities among different types of members so leaders seem to be quite possessive maybe tad controlling of their partners, like hongjoong as well for example

I do wonder sometimes bc it is impossible to really know them only from their on screen personality and kpop likes to blur things out that may be considered an imperfection? idk how to describe it but like they cant really be fully themselves so in readings it gives a greater sense of who they are without being too invasive kinda like inside info without doing the stalking that sasaengs do to get such info.

would be so cool to know them personally like u get to see the raw them what they think on xyz subjects not the stuff they cant tell their fans. i bet they have good amounts of gossip about their teammates too. i wonder if their interests in lesser common people stems from the fact kpop is so particular that when theh meet someone entirely different to what kpop is or stands for then it really draws them in to that person or maybe those. i mean with todays technology idols do sometimes have less boundaries or maybe the tendancy to overshare things that dont need to be shared so maybe in readings idols look for people outside of kpop world and maybe thats why they show up in tarot readers dreams so often bc they have particular message or situation going on n they want to show it to someone. sorry for rambling but theyre such interesting ppl.

who in skz do u think would have maybe not a crush on the same person but idk they could have a desire to win the person over from another member if that makes sense?

Hey, so no i don't really dream much about them anymore. But i used to have A LOT of very very interesting dreams with them during a certain period of time. I especially often dream about Lee Know, and i had very interesting dreams with Felix and Hyunjin too. Changbin too but he was kind of a hidden protector and it wasn't really him...ufhfbf i don't know how to explain it but i think I'll make a post someday and love to hear other peoples dreams with them too💗 about your other question with the similarities in readings etc, i did another answer before your where i explain my view a little bit.

And yeah i think tarot is a great way to get closer to the idols - of course consumed and performed in a healthy, respectful way - i believe there might actually be lots of idols that may somehow feel relief through such reading, on an uncounscous level because we shine light on matters they aren't allowed to talk about but would love to express. Like in Chan's case, as i said he seems very eager to "talk" during my readings and is always ready and the first one to spill the tea freely😂 i sometimes can see him giggling and wiggling in excitement, or giving me a spicy side eye or whatever😂

And regarding your question at the end, i still haven't done enough readings on them to be able to just make a speculation, so i layed some cards on it. I don't have a definitive answer but i belive someone was in a relationship and there were 2 members that had their eye on that person. I believe on of the "admirers" was felix. And i have a strong feeling the member with the "girlfriend" was Changbin. Now i put those "" on girlfriend, because it doesnt seem to me that they were necesarily in a relationship, but rather courting? Like they definitely had some give and take at least energetically and in conversations. I cant really tell how far that connection went and if ever really was a relationship but there was def something. And 2 memebrs looked at that person with drool coming out of their mouth😂 felix being one of them, and again i see that weird sleazy energy that freaks me out🥲 its not malicious but its really weird and unnerving, he is very obvious in his liking to that person, but he doesnt take any steps or seem threatening, but his energy is so shameless and direct and penetrating. The other person was more hidden with his liking, but i think changbin still knew. He def knew about felix, and i think he suspected about the other person too. Weirdly enough i dont pick up on him being mad or feeling betrayed or threatened. Quite the oposite actually, i think felt like a boss😂 having "access" or a "chance" with something that others also want. He felt powerful in a way.

*take this with a grain of salt.

[its-a-hil]

answering everything for this ask game

orchid ⇢ what’s a song you consider to be perfect? there are. a number of them. flare (clark powell, for homestuck) magilou's theme (motoi sakuraba, for tales of berseria) electricity forecast (inabakumori, really everything by them is just. so good) 14.3 billion years (andrew prahlow, for outer wilds)

cactus ⇢ something you’re currently learning (about)? how hard teaching is :/ idk it's difficult to process anything else when im having a fulltime job for the first time in my life -_-

bamboo ⇢ do you change into a different outfit when you get home? yes absolutely i need to wear something comfy and soft and unrestrictive so like. leggings and a t shirt. having to wear vaguely formal clothes to work is nice for my self esteem but they are absolutely not home clothes at all

abelia ⇢ do you have a particular piece of jewelry you always wear or can’t part with? not at the moment but i want to!! new year's resolution is to buy/make a necklace with 30 lunar phases and wear the appropriate one every day in 2024

daffodil ⇢ do you have siblings? if yes, in what ways do you think you’re similar to or different from them? i have an older sister, we're extremely different lmao i guess we're both academically inclined and like reading fantasy, but that's like. it. though we are both currently getting our masters degrees from the same university so that's neat

mahonia ⇢ what place, thing, activity inspires you most and how do you express yourself when it does? i guess… seeing something that was more beautiful than i expected? that's very vague hold on one time i was walking home from my office hours as a ta after a student had held me late these were evening office hours, so like. it was 2230, i was not dressed for the cold, i was annoyed at the student but but as i was passing a little field of grass, there were little ice crystals on the blades in the light of the streetlamp, as the wind was blowing the grass and i was walking past it the grass glittered i cant think of a better way to describe it but ive never seen anything like it since it completely made my day so yeah. that's my answer

chia ⇢ what’s an inside joke you have with someone else? hm idk ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ i feel like inside jokes usually just become part of my vocabulary

sage ⇢ what ‘medium’ of art (poetry, music, fiction, paintings, statues etc.) is the most touching to you? why do you think that is? fiction i think it's because im much closer to being good at writing than i am to any other art form so it resonates more with me since i can feel/imagine its creation in a way that i cant for music or visual art also sometimes i read my own past writing and it eats me alive

edelweiss ⇢ how’d you think of your url/username? what’s it associated with to you? it's associated with my name obv, since it's just a pronunciation guide but it's also associated with my avi edits, which are wonderful and make me feel great joy

camellia ⇢ what were you like when you were younger? do you think you’ve changed a lot? oh absolutely also not at all past me and present me both had/have an absurd inability to compartmentalize, a large degree of silliness, and a general love for the world the main difference is that ive… done more things

jasmine ⇢ do you have a movie or book you loved but will never watch/read again? not quite a movie or a book but. katanagatari. i really liked it but also it is so fucking slow i tried to rewatch it a couple years ago and i couldnt bc it was just so wordy

ivy ⇢ what are your ‘tells’ for your emotions and moods? how can someone tell you’re happy, annoyed, upset or tired? it's quite easy to tell if im upset or tired i feel idk if theres a difference between them just like. looking at my eyes. also i take pauses when im tired/upset. also my voice is just. god. unsure about a tell for whether im happy though im not very in tune with my emotions to be able to tell that at least with other people if im by myself ill stim and the cadence/type of stim makes my emotional state obvious but who ever sees that

chamomile ⇢ what kind of things do you like receiving as gifts? things that encourage me to do something i want to do but need the motivation for my college friend group does a yearly gift exchange and a couple years ago i wished for earrings as motivation to get my ears pierced (it took me another 9 months but. we still did it girlies !!)

aloe vera ⇢ what’s something (mundane) you really want to experience in life? hm. failure? failing a class, or having a relationship break down, or tripping and getting myself seriously injured just. something that reminds me how ubiquitous loss is, that forces my brain to accept the fact that it's okay to not try to be perfect

palm tree ⇢ do you have a fictional villain you shouldn’t like but love regardless? aranea homestuck!! something about the way that she knew that the game over timeline would break, did her best to avoid it, and everything fell apart anyway the part where she kisses jake and is like "wait why are you freaking out?? i know you like me this was supposed to encourage you" is just. she's doing her fucking best and putting her all into saving the timeline and yet everything she's doing is hurting and she doesn't know why also the part where she snaps and mind controls damaras to smash planets together in a desperate attempt to kill the condesce. so important. love her idk if she even counts as a villain but the story hates her so. it counts for me

nutmeg ⇢ how’s your room/home decorated? do you have a specific theme or style going on? haha… "decorated"... that sure is a word…………

papyrus ⇢ if you put your ‘on repeat’ playlist on shuffle, what’s the first song that comes up? what do you like about it / associate it with? oooooh answer !! god. tales of luminaria was so fucking good!! (this was the trailer theme, and it was honestly the first thing that clued me into the fact that the game would be amazing)

taro ⇢ if someone called you right now to catch up, what’re the things you’d tell them about? i guess for a general hypothetical person, i'd tell them how i have a teaching job now, how i have to manage a horrible curriculum that's just. extremely pedagogically unsound i'd also tell them that i went to la over the summer and got to see my 2nd space shuttle orbiter, that i don't yet live somewhere with public transit but that day is growing ever closer and im so excited

[sweetheartsaku]

SAKUUU CONGRATS ON 200 MY LOVE!! I say this to everybody, but I mean it more than any other time I've said it, you deserve every single one of those 200 and many, many more!! AAAAAH I'M SO SO HAPPY FOR YOU!!

you're such a genuine writer, and I could tell that the things you write are just so you, yk? 🙇🏻‍♀️ that's what makes you special over anyone and everything else!! from your short smau's to the tooth rotting sweetness of the headcanons you write, I've expressed my love for all of them because they're just so good?!?!?? AND because I could tell you're the one that wrote them and I mean that in the best way possible!! I feel like seeing the author through the pieces they write is such a genuine part of being a writer bc there's just something so real about it and idk how to explain it 😞😞 BUT WITH YOU AAAAAAH YOU'RE JUST THAT GREAT????

ANYWAY every time I see you interact with a follower or a moot by responding to their asks, just backs up my claim of you deserving the 200 and so much more ☝🏻 you're always so kind and sweet how could people NOT like you???? that's like impossible you guys c'mon now

you really are one of the best souls I've ever met on this planet and I could only hope that in my next life, or in another universe, if there is one, we know each other irl and we could spend every waking moment together</3 speaking of other lives, i really don't know what I could've done in my past life to deserve being friends with someone like you ☹️☹️ honestly I'd do anything and everything in the world just to return the kindness you've always treated me with ☹️

didn't mean to get too sappy there, woah LMAOZHAHAH BUT ANYWAY, I'M SO EXCITED TO SEE YOU AND YOUR BLOG GROW EVEN MORE!!!! I'll be with you through every milestone, darling!! know that i love you soooo much, MWAH!!<33

FRANNNSSS FRANS FRANS FRANNSNSSNSN :((((((( UWEHHHHHHHHHHHH thankyu soososososoos much soulmate </3 you too 😭 deserve anything good thing ever imaginable😭YOI ARE SO SWEET I CNAT DO THSI

ackkk thank you frans!!!!!!!!! i do try to make my fics as genuine ands authentic as possible so seeing someone recognize that makes me feel all lovely inside D: !!!! AAAA mayb i should start writing more lil smaus habent done one of those in a while 🤔nd one of my first fics u found was my shu one... maybeHAHAHA!! AHHH why is the extremely popular crazy talented writer FRANS TALKING ERMMMMM how else do u rthink i found u 😓(UR AMAZING WRITING AND MOODBOARD DUHH) i will continue to do my best!!! and write!!!!!!! in the most REAL way ever done!!!!

ACKKKK YOURE TOO NICE MY SKIBIDI FRANS </3 im js being that version of me ykyk where i can be cringe and free and all of the above and im super hapi so many ppl like that side of me bc i feel so 😓 accepted!!😣.i lOVE U ALL SO MUCH GANG GANG

WHY TEH FREAK ARE. U TALKING RN FRANS. ur actually beyond the word best bc words cant describe how epic and cool and sweet u are😤i too, hope in every life, universe and everything in between that were out somewhere having the time of our lives!!!!!! YOU DONT NEED TO DO ANYTHING TO DESERVE PPL☹️ ESP ME.☹️ we are just girls in a world yk 😔✊we were js meant to be friends for real!!!NOW. I WOULD DO NYTHING TO BE ABLE TO SEND ALL UR LOVE BACK BC U DESERVE IT SO MUCH U SWEETHEART!!!!

its okkkk pookie to get sappy in here yk safe space 🥰💗I TOO AM EXCITED TO SEE WHERE LIFE AND THE TUMBLR ALGORITHM TAKE UOMG!!! WE'LL BE NEXT TO EACHOTHER THE ENTIRE TIME WOOOO!!!!!! thanku love, expect the same !!!!<33 I LOVE U SOOO MUCH

[mistertf2xreaderfluffballcake]

How they mercs react to you calling them handsome. Do you know what time it is? It is cheesy writing time!!! I got inspired by @snakess-17 They are also very epic writer :))

Scout

O-Of course I am! (Did s/o really mean it? That was so cute...SCOUT think of a cheesy pick-up line uh of yeah!) He then tells you the most cheesiest pick-up line while his face is bright red.

You bet he will flex about this. FOR A WHOLE MONTH. The others were almost at the limit. Guess what. s/o called me- Oh shut it scout we get it! lover boy. (←engi) YEAH! SHUT IT MAGGOT! (←soldier)

Soildier

THANK YOU CUPCAKE! YOU ARE ALSO THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PERSON ALIVE!!! He will also brag about it. But unlike scout, no one will stop him from doing it. If somebody cuts him off...GO TRANING MAGGOT. COME BACK HERE IF YOU DO 500 PUSH-UPS!! eek.

He will also softly smile when you say that word. It is those rare moments where a soldier's soft side comes out fully instantly. (I mean it always does when he is around you tho)

Pyro

*GAAAAASP* Did s/o seriously say that? Pryo hugs you VERY tightly. Not just a 5-second hug a whole hour hug.

Pyro hugs you much more than usual. Hugs everywhere and anytime. (Pyro hugs you about 3~10 times a day. )

Engineer

AWWWWW Thank you, darling! You are so nice. He is melting. (I`m burnin` up (one of the engi voice lines did you catch that? idk) He will give hundreds of compliments for the next week or so.

If you say that while he talking to someone. He will freeze. Did you just do a cute attack on him!? Critical hit bang!

Heavy (sorry this is short)

He will freeze. Heavy has heard this word being used in romantic movies...*blush* did s/o just... Yup. Heavy is blushing. He rarely blushes. He then gives you about 5 bear hugs for the next few days. S/o is precious. S/o is very cute. Heavy love s/o :)) awwww heavy I love you too.

Demoman

You really *hick* think so? When you noded he legit cried. THIS IS SO SWEET!!! AWW, LOVE COME OVER HERE. GUESS WHAT S/O JUST SAID GUYS!? *SNIFF* He has a bit of body insecurity so having those comforting words come out means the whole world to him. *sniff* He will definitely talk about this with all of his friends. YOU ARE JUST THE SWEETEST HONESTLY!

Sniper

*Windows XP error sound* lol. He will just freeze. Sorry, I Didn't Quite Get That. (Siri reference this is so random. help) If you had described his face it is ''error pls send me help. Cuteness overload'' lol. He will then heat up (like a laptop/computer) Then he will restart. Then he will finally respond. wot.

Medic

He is not sure how to react. Um, thank you s/o! He might not react much but oh boy when he is alone, his head just...KA-BOOM! Did s/o just!? ahhhh they are so sweet! help me. (he will cry about this in bed) For the next few ways, he will have too many checkups for you. Too many. Checkup again medic? Yep, (it is not a checkup it is comforting and hugging each other but anyway.

Spy (tomato time baby~)

...Merde help me. S/o`s kindness and cuteness are killing me (nothing bad with that just in a good way). He will say quick thanks and says he is busy (He is just exploding okay?) He will go on the rooftop then. POOF. His face is bright red, thank god his mask can hide it. *Le Sign* WHY IS S/O IS SO FUCKING DANG CUTE!!! (inside voice) Lord help him, his face is a tomato lmao. He is just so happy! S/o is just so kind. Ugh, I am such a lovesick fool...My lover is waiting for me downstairs I should go see them...My face is red...help. He will then give a million compliments about you too! :)

This was so much fun! All of them are tomatoes~! I-I just kept on laughing when writing scout, solider, and spys part. Expeically soldiers part, gramerly kept on changing it to MORE SOLID and I cant stop laughing, that name fits him. MORE SOLID. But he turns into a liquid when you hug/cuddle him tho. Anyway, let me go back into my cave and eat some chips. Here is a piece of potato chip for you too! Only a piece tho sorry. Just kidding~ Here is a bag of chips (/*'▽')/ *insert bag of potato chip emoji here.*

[thatnarcissisticfeel]

hi! so i don’t rlly know how to even phrase this but lately i’ve had a lot of stuff getting worse, none of the “basic” diagnoses i have (like depression and anxiety and stuff) describes it at all. so i’ve started questioning if i maybe have a personality disorder bc it’d all make sense, both the behaviors and how i see the world and why its only getting worse and more noticeable now etc.

i keep finding myself in cluster B PD traits and lately ive been reading more on NPD and i genuinely completely see myself in the description of the covert subtype. i always blame others for everything and am completely unable of accepting or feeling guilt. nothing is ever my fault, its always someone else doing something or provoking me or it’s the way i was raised or it’s because of the system etc. i’m deeply insecure but hate showing any kind of vulnerability. when i’m in a vulnerable position i get ashamed and angry bc i cant stand feeling weak. i often get so angry i do shit that could easily destroy all the relationships i have. i never apologize (unless it’s a situation where i have to in order to save the relationship but still never actually feel sorry) bc that’s showing vulnerability and admitting i’m wrong. i always compare myself with others, i used to think this doesnt apply to me bc i generally don’t care about typical things such as popularity and status as i’ve always been an outcast - and it’s kind of a major part of my identity that i feel different than everyone else (even though its most likely just how i was forced to learn to cope with being excluded), but i’ve come to realize i absolutely do always see myself as “the worst one” in terms of mental health. i can’t stand others talking about their issues bc no you don’t even have it that bad at all, i’m worse. i feel like no one will ever be able to truly understand me bc the majority of people are npcs anyway. no one thinks for themselves, they dont have any self awareness and just do what they’re told. i treat others like shit but still expect them to be nice to me because i deserve it because i’m sick. i deserve more attention from doctors because of how unwell i feel. i should be the one that gets treated first. i obviously never voice these feelings but it makes me so pissed off when i have to wait like i’m never important enough for anyone. like there was this one case when i had to wait longer for my appointment bc some girl came in due to an emergency and all i felt was angry and annoyed and like when is it my turn to get taken seriously?? i completely lack affective empathy and very rarely genuinely care about others. others being sad annoys me and others being happy makes me angry, sometimes even to the point of having homicidal thoughts. i’m envious of pretty much everyone who i consider better off than me. and again i dont mean shit like money or clothes but more like just the ability to be normal, having close friends, being in a relationship, all that stuff i know i’ll never be able to have bc of my mental illnesses. i’ve never been able to form genuine relationships, i do have a few friends but they all mean nothing to me and are just there so i’m not lonely. i’ve never been able to feel love or affection for anyone. and when i think abt it i dont even really want to be like them, i just want to make them suffer. i lie to everyone and only reveal my “true” self when im having a breakdown and basically cant control myself anymore as i have so much suppressed anger inside i sometimes feel like i have to genuinely put effort into stopping myself from physically attacking others; who cares abt words when im that far gone. and even then i later turn it around and make it seem like im just depressed and stuff (which is true, but theres also so much more no one knows about). everyone around me considers me a shy meek polite nice caring person and it just feels so ironic.

idk what to do at this point, genuinely. writing it all down like this makes me sound so fucked up even though i act relatively normal when i’m stable enough. but in reality i feel like on the inside i’m just breaking, i’ve had to turn to drug abuse as its literally the only thing that helps me cope with everything & prevent me from being even more destructive (towards both others and myself) and its making me even more short tempered when im sober and even more paranoid someone’s going to find out and get me in trouble. my therapist knows about it but doesnt do shit. ive been on so many psych meds before but its as if literally nothing ever works on me. like i would never normally seek advice on tumblr out of all places but i thought just maybe i would get understood here as i keep getting just either ignored or insulted on places like reddit (sure jan calling me a psycho is definitely going to help my issues when all i did was fucking ask how to cope with my issues).

sorry abt the wall of text. do you have any advice? ive been going to therapy for years but its all useless. i cant be honest with anyone for pretty obvious reasons. i just really dont feel like living for much longer. but even just acknowledging this ask and not judging me would mean a lot.

I obviously can’t diagnose you, but I will say a LOT of what you said is behaviors that and I other NPDs do, which makes me think that even if you don’t have it, advice and such that is geared towards pwNPD could help you. Unfortunately there isn’t much self-help geared towards pwNPD (I say self-help bc clearly your therapist is not a good therapist for you and I know it would probably be difficult to get a new one), but DBT workbooks are a good place to start. I think they’re technically geared more towards BPD, but they can definitely still help narcissists. Stuff like this is why I hate how much NPD is stigmatized, because we all DO deserve help and we all DON’T deserve to feel like this.

It sounds pretty basic, but are you a part of anything like online NPD/cluster B support groups, ie discord servers? Obviously they’re not a cure-all, but even just being around people who have the same thing and who you don’t have to mask around can help. If you don’t have any I could happily provide some if I can find a public one. Of course, communities like that can be a hit or miss, but it’s definitely at least worth a shot to try to find a group of people who are struggling with the same thing.

Another piece of advice, which might sound completely neurotypical on the surface, is to start journaling or writing down feelings. It might seem like just a small thing but having a place that only you can access where you can talk about things like vulnerability could be a good starting point, because at least you’re admitting it to yourself and getting it out there in some way. Lying to everyone and not being able to show your true self is really exhausting, so having one space that’s yours and yours only where you can learn to be comfortable with being vulnerable — even if it’s just to yourself — is a tiny thing that can work wonders. It doesn’t have to be some super dramatic “dear diary, woe is me” type thing, it can be something as simple as “Today I fucked up, and I know I fucked up, but I still blame xyz, I hate xyz.” That way you’re getting the vulnerable thoughts AND the angry thoughts out there without 1.) hurting others with the angry thoughts or 2.) having to show vulnerabity which would hurt you.

Of course the end goal might be to “unlearn” the behaviors, so to speak, but that can’t be done overnight, and until it is done, it’s better to have a few places to be open, even if it’s just amongst yourself or other pwNPD.

I hope this helped, lmk if you need more advice — and definitely know that you’re not alone, as cheesy as it sounds.

[goddessjynx]

Any parent please answer?

Idk if anyone will see this, but right now I need just anyone to tell me I'm not crazy.

Am I a bad friend for wanting to hang out with my ex-bestie (eb for short) while she has her kids or she's busy and can't hang, so I offer to come over, to help watch, to help clean? Anything just to be there for her, why? Oh because she was on her third child, at this time I literally went over to her house to play dnd with her husband and brother and her sometimes. So I would try and say "hi" or talk, but instead we stayed doing something else or barely said hi. Ok, fine, hormones, got it. It got to the point of she wouldn't want to hang out with me for reasons she stopped telling me decent sounding excuses. Fine, That's fine, I have other friends who I can hang with or find other things to stay inside and not get out of the house to do. I don't need to leave the house, to get away from the suffocating inside the house with a mentally and verbally abusive, controlling husband. That's. Just. Fine.

So you know, time goes on. we find out that the reason she won't hang out with me, but will hang out with the other girl who she hates (Mind you the other chick literally broke into their house, tried to start drama all the time, and be hazardous to her already two children But who am I to judge about the person you rant to me about how you hate them so much?) But the other chick was also pregnant after divorcing her wife. It's honestly such a mess. So "anyways, I get excluded now because I "Don't understand what she's going through" or "I won't have the same experience" or I'm "not a good source of help" Lol, Okay? I still can't help? Be happy for you? Cool. So things go on, and just things have gotten worse on my end. I'm over here with such a mind debilitating baby fever, that I'm having to pull my car over watching children get off the school bus because I'm in such a crying fit that I can't breathe or see straight. So who the hell would I go to about what do I do? My Bestie right? (There's a reason we are eb rn) I tell her, well try, Idk how much she actually listened. But I tell her how I just can't think about anything else right now. I did everything right, and the world keeps slapping me back.

I own a 4 bedroom house. we have two cars, we even have decently everything working out in our favor, But all of a sudden, I'm not good enough for anyone. My own husband two months after getting married said he hasn't found me attractive for the last two years. THAnks. That's a real boost. This didn't start the fights, but that's a whole other set of rants. about a year before my eb got pregnant, around or right before July 4th, I strictly remember, I was in the walmart fucking bathroom. I had felt so sick the weeks beforehand. Like, My menstrual cycle hates me. She's savage af. Not to mention she likes to disappear randomly and appear with just cramps or a whole flood. I never know. But I remember calling my husband in a panic because I don't know what to do while I had to go to the bathroom so bad it hurt, and all I have is half dollar sized clots. Just something my medical brain, and senior year of AP biology says, "Fuck!" I have him figure something out because I'm really needing someone to just hold me in the bathroom I feel so sick to my stomach. I'm dizzy and all these symptoms I tell him to tell the doctor or whoever he calls.. So he calls, they say whatever to him. I don't either remember or he never told me what they said, (this is a normal of hiding information from me, A LOT) They said (What he told me) to just wipe things up and clean up then if it persists in the next 24 hours to go into the hospital. But I will have to see an ob-gyn.

So, Okay. Nothing bad. but they are in charge of everything along those lines. But those were including two words, that I now know were the two words this man didn't want to hear despite, DESPITE all the teasing and jokes about having kids with me when I was younger with him and literally just dating. That was because I had to see a family planning doctor. I was told by HIM that it was nothing, and we will be fine. I just blamed it on my cramps that are horrible and never put thought to it because I had believed that's what he was told. So that's a trauma my brain locked away until recently as I'm going through my divorce right now. But, I was thinking about how shortly after that, I got a call from my eb about how they were all waiting on me because I'm making us late for bringing stuff to the grill out and bonfire later. Fine, mask all the pain and keep fucking going. right?

She seemed genuinely not worried, saying it was probably just a bad cycle. She gets them all the time too. Its whatever. My now bestie's sister has gone through the same thing I described multiple times, enough that she looked at me and was like, "No, You possibly miscarried." even her mom went on about, "they should've never NEVER brushed that off like they did. If they cared then they would've made sure you were ok. My husband denied me from going to the doctor to see anything about it. Even after when I knew my hormones and emotions were just soooo off. But that's in my mind now, when before maybe around the same time my eb came out saying to all of us even her own husband one time saying she's been feeling crummy because she went in and she found out she had miscarried. It was so short after my stuff that she disregarded then took and made attention for herself that upset her own husband because she never told him until she told a bunch of us at a bar. I mean I felt bad for her, but Now thinking back, my gut says it was a ploy to make her husband to feel bad for her and to try for another one. Where as I'm over here waiting patiently because I jumped through Hoops to get where I'm at now.

My husband promised me children. Lots, its a fucking dream to be a mum. I care for everyone else, and their kids, why not have some kind of mini me to show of what I did. That I did good. That I can be useful to this world too. That I'm not just a lump of no good nothing to this world. But first, he needed a better paying job than a gas station.

Did that, he worked at a metal parts production place. But we then gave the fact that we still live in the apartment I got after moving out from high school. We rented a house. It worked, and it was nice. But now he needs a car, but he cant do that until he learns how to drive. 3 years older than me and I taught him how to drive. AND I helped him buy his first car, a truck. Oh but now, we still can't start a family. We are only renting. I have enough good credit that I could get a house alone, but I needed a higher pay. Bam with his income together we got a house.

Bam, I'm hit with baby fever and what not. NOW I get told, we aren't ready for anything like that yet, so wait two years. Alright, I'll wait. I can do that. We were going to go on trips together and do many things together and all of a sudden, the walmart thing happened, and it just got worse from there. It got to a point I got a job paying BETTER than him and I was the laughing stock to him and his buddies. THANKS. But I'm fine, everything is fine. The walmart thing was about two years after, so I mean, it was actually in the time frame and whatnot. Things just kept going on getting worse at home, I just kept listening. For reasons, I had to quit my high paying job, and then everything got absolutely horrible at home. Had to put everything I had control over money wise into his account for he worried it would take too long to find an new job and make money to suffice for bills. It was argument after argument, but I went to my eb explaining things, asking what the hell do I do? Her advice? To just do what he wants. The thing I had to quit about? She basically never cared about it. Everything just went on being a mess. I went on just letting people walk over me because that was the advice I was given.

I voiced my feelings that I have been following lies and how I feel hurt that I'm told dreams and having them be taken away. We never went on trips much. Instead we would buy a crap ton of ammo or new guns that I'm not allowed to use, yet I'm helping fund so you can get them, but when it was my own that I BOUGHT, all of a sudden, my things went missing and he would be out using and letting his buddies use my new guns and using up the ammo I had purchased on my own. I mean, fine, but let me at LEAST take yours out if you're going to use mine without asking. It got to be so annoying that we would be asked when we would get married or when we would have kids. He would be hugging me and smiling all cocky saying "Oh well we haven't stopped trying." every time. He would start that tell people this and I finally had enough. I stopped him and told him to put his money where his mouth was. He always said shit but never actually did it or acted on what he said. He would just lie to everyone. Tell people lies because it sounded nice. Best part? I had bought a ring for him. I proposed to him because he would joke about things like that. So I basically said, "bet" and did it. I have never received a damn ring! He wouldn't even want to look at them with me. Because they were expensive. Not all of them are. I don't care what price it is, but something to say, "Hey, I love you and Don't want the odd peeps at the bar to keep hitting on you so take this with you, its dangerous out there." (Shut up. I'm a nerd) But like.... I just would make notions about, I wanted a ring. He would beg me to pool together money and buy new guns, I mean I"m not against, but I would bring up that I will want a ring. Or even something else would be you know, amazing right now because I'm in a lost place wanting kids still and my eb just announced they were having their third. (which her own family was so upset about it that they ranted to me and my mom, her own brother said that its just another kid that they will end up taking care of instead of her so she can go to the bars again. Yep) So next we talked about getting a gun safe because, before we can have kids, we need to be SAFE. Ight, we bought it. Nice matte black 33 capacity, fire and water proof, best part the front had a reallly pretty engraved waving American flag imprinted on it. It was just so smooth. (Guess who has that right now btw) So oddly enough in the middle of me not being enough for my eb, My cycle kind of returned to being semi regular, and all of a sudden disappeared. Well that whole month beforehand we went from never wanting to touch me unless it was my birthday to every night he was angry after work and took it out on me instead. I mean, whatever. But when it came to me not feeling well, I told him.

Instantly it wasn't mine. I was fooling with other guys. Like instant psycho. His childhood friend came and moved up with us, she saw this for a good few months and had to move out because he was trying to control her as if she were a child. She told me that it was not right for him to be that way and that she will never talk to him for how he treated her. (which was exactly how he was always with me too) I'm not sure if he was trying to get my jealous because his bff was a girl? Idk we worked out like literally sisters. Sooo much in common and she told me, She believes he's never wanted kids. And she watched how I broke down after he told me he wanted nothing to do with me until I took a test. He DEMANDED that I took a test right away. If it was positive, it wasn't his until proven so. And if it was negative he would be fine. this was ridiculous. He wasn't at all happy or excited. Purely upset. I felt so shitty that after the test was negative I told him and he threatened about it happening again he was leaving back to Kansas. He threatened this every damn fight, it got to the point that I gave up, I said leave then. And instantly he shut up. I got him out of gangs, crime, jail, living on the street or with his mum, and being a maaajor drug addict. Yet I'M THE BAD PERSON.

Back to recently when my eb is getting closer to having her kid, I just go through finding out I'm not and my husband is freaking out at me, nonstop yelling at me that I'm not good enough and all this shit. Yes, lil ol me trying to keep the peace in the house is a cunt and a whore. Wow. Name calling, but hitting where it hurts? I told him before, how my mother in an argument said I would be a horrible mother. And that shit sticks. IT STICKS. So what does the smart ass pull out? He repeats it. He says he's glad I'm not pregnant because I'd be a horrible mother in the end.

That. That just kills a person. That kills dreams and the feeling of wanting to keep living. Who the FUCK says that to their partner? Am I wrong for thinking that's not right? Well my eb thought I was. I told her my feelings. How I don't want to be jealous of her, but I am. That she's more beautiful, she's always had guys hitting on her in school inviting her to do things and hang out, I was the nerd in whatever class that got invited only if it was mandatory. She will be having three kids and a loving husband that can never take his hands or eyes from her, where as I have to act like a clown to get my husband to look up from his damn phone. To say something nice. To

be acknowledged while in the house. I've left and came back the next morning because I hung out at my now besties house. He didn't say a word until I came home the next morning and he looked at me like "when the fuck did you leave" No care, no love. I was stuck being a burden. Anything I ever did around the house was in vain. Everything I helped with I got shoved away because I didn't do it right. EVERYTHING I did was not good enough. I would tell him this that is how I felt and he would deny it. One day, I caught him yelling at me saying that what I did wasn't ever good enough. Calle him out right away. Bitch... He tried to change the wording to go around what he said. I HEARD IT. it was so bad I had to have my bestie on the phone to listen to how he talked to me behind closed doors. Away from public view. HER MOM HEARD IT. Thought she was watching some kind of dramatic show, until she realized it was me on the phone. She's listened to so many calls its unheard of. There was a day, I had enough of it. (Ok A lot actually) but I grabbed my laptop and my charger and left the house. I sat in the park drawing on my laptop. Texted every person I could think of that I cared so deeply for that they would care for me back. I was in a dark ass place asking for Advice. My eb shrugged off what my husband was doing and scolded me for leaving. For sitting in a park drawing out my feelings instead of being with him because he's being dramatic to her husband upset that I started an argument. I didn't understand what I started when it was over me telling him not to throw the controller when he loses a COD game because that's how it breaks. Why he threw it? Because I distracted him by playing with my cat while he was playing the damn game and made him lose! yep. Exactly that. So I was yelled at to quit. So I did. I went back to my drawing and then with my headphones on I was humming to my music. It distracted him and he lost. So I flipped out because I can't do anything in my own house without being scolded for it. So I stormed off to the bedroom to draw some more. I'm upstairs and away from him. Didn't want to eat now I'm stressed and upset. So I didn't cook anything and now he's hungry and upset at me for not making food yet. YES. That's how it started and I again was the bad person in the story for safely removing myself from an environment where all my mind was telling me to do was dark things that hurt to say. To give up on everything I have worked for and all my dreams.

That was the last time I spoke to her for a while because everything started to be only about baby and about doing this for baby. Doing that for baby. But then she would never answer me back. I was done trying to fit time to hang out. To do something, I made new friends who didn't have kids and hung out more with them. It got horrible. the sound of a child crying made my stomach hurt. I had non stop dreams of the same thing happening. It was just awful. I looked it up and it was just meaning I had something and lost it. Whatever is missing in the dream what what I had lost.

In this dream I was dressed in all black, lace and long dress covering every inch of skin on my body. I had a hat with a veil and I was rocking a bundle in my arms in an old decrepit room with peeling paint and broken toys. It was a nursery. An old ruined nursery. I was rocking just a black blanket swaddled with a hole that emptied to the void. It gives me chills, I get this dream so much that me explaining just makes my skin crawl and my body ache. It hurts to think of but I just cannot understand it. Makes sense now that I looked into it.

But me going through all of this, I can't talk to my husband about my feelings because I'm too needy and being selfish for not taking his feelings into an account. That he's not ready that we are not ready and that I'm not ready because I'm going to be a horrible mom. Cool.

I have tried so much. I couldn't be around kids. It made me so sick and I jus would have to find somewhere to hide and cry for hours. I would cry myself to sleep. Never getting comfort by him because I'm throwing a pity party. I was so hurt. Still am. I'm broken hearted. Thinking that if I had a kid, at least I would have something that needed me and would love the care I gave and would love me back. I wanted to feel loved for how much I put out in the world. I wanted to have something to ground me to this world before I did something stupid. I was in such a dark place that I drove an hour to go see my bestie because I was scared that I was going to do it. That I was going to be the big disappointment he told me I would always be. Three months later, baby is here and I go back to playing dnd with my friends and its at their house. My husband is rubbing it in my face. He's holding baby and talking to baby and doing all these things making my mind break. He asks if I want to hold her. If i if iififififi NO.

I can't I cannot. I'm trying to be respectful. I missed out on other games because I had to hype myself up. I procrastinated because I didn't know how I would be or if I could handle it. I got to the point that my eb's husband told me that he doesn't want me playing anymore because I sent a text trying to apologize to my now eb that I feel so bad but I can't see her right now since seeing her kids just sends me into a panic attack and I can't stop thinking horrible things. So she takes that as I have a problem with HER kids and not just the KIDS situation. Doesn't hear me out. blames me for everything and has me banned from coming over. in which her husband says he doesn't want me over anymore. Which my rebuttal is because she's telling him only. But he said it was his choice. I don't know don't care. It just hurt that THATS the reason I got kicked out. Not because I was good, but that I couldn't handle their kids. And I would not pay attention by drawing the whole time. I was distracting myself because I'm trying to drown out the noises of cooing making my gut rot and my mouth dry. So by all means I'm selfish for wanting a dream that I was being promised for the last 6 years of physically being with my soon to be ex. I've know for actually 12 years. And that I drove 15 hours to bring you to me since you couldn't drive.

So I need to know from real parents, was I out of line for telling my eb that I had feelings and that them not being heard or just cast to the side hurt? Am I crazy for feeling that I've been robbed? For being upset when my husband comes home drunk and abuses me? For being hurt when I'm called all sorts of names and told I'm worthless by the man I should trust the most? Please. I need to know.

I know I'm ranting, but I need to get it out. I need to find some sort of something to figure out why I'm feeling this way, or why I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I'm fighting for the divorce since i haven't been to my owned house in the last 5 months since he changed the locks on me. I moved an hour away from my home and my family and still to this day, I hurt to hear or watch children around me. I'm happy, but inside something aches and just feels empty. Not to mention that I got told by people that know me that he's been caught buying condoms. We are still technically married, and he can't be doing those things right now. Am I jealous? Upset? Hurt? All of the above? It just sucks and I'm drowning in debt a bit trying to work my ass off to get where I want in life again since all of everything has been ripped from me. I'm trying. Please let me know if I'm crazy or out of line? I want to be heard. I'm going to start to save up. I have a plan for my 27th birthday. If it doesn't work in time for my 28th birthday, I'm not sure what else I can do but join the 27 club.

[shadeswift99]

i cant believe my comfort tumblr is the void /lh- anyways may i have a spare vague void writing? idk they make me feel oddly comfy- you dont have to tho- thanks in advance shade!

This is a good ask because it made me think about the Void all morning, and that makes me happy :)

Really, if you think about it, there isn't any reason why the Void should be any more alarming than lava or fire. Both cause death, both destroy items...so why does the Void have that combination of tantalizing emptiness and unsettling pull that neither fire or lava have? As much lore and mythology as I could assign to it to try and make myself feel better, I think, in the basic setting of Minecraft, it's really mostly about knowledge.

When a player spawns, they are essentially an island in a massive sea of unknowns waiting to be explored. They have a deficit of knowledge - they don't know why they're there, they don't know how to survive, they have only the vaguest idea of who they are... Their entire existence is about discovering these things, how the world around them works and how they fit into it. They learn by trial and error and by the slim knowledge left behind for them by civilizations long passed into dust. They learn how to keep themselves safe and fed, how to navigate, how to harness magic and even access other dimensions. By the time the player gets to the End, they are well familiar with the pattern: discover something you do not know, and apply all your effort and ingenuity to it until you do know it. That's the nature of humanity, both inside and outside of the game. A person and an unknown can only exist in the same space for so long before the unknown is no longer a mystery. Minecraft works as a game because it contains enough possibility that the player will never run out of unknowns to pursue or challenges to overcome.

But then...the player encounters the Void. They look into it and see emptiness, absolute nothingness, to a degree that they have never experienced before. It has no end, it has no bottom, no edge, and yet no beginning - you can fall forever and still meet only air, never hitting the "source" of the darkness you see. We call it the Void for convenience only. It is a label to try to define a thing that by definition does not exist.

The player looks into the Void, and their human brain immediately tries to categorize it as an unknown. It is new, and strange, and there is much to be discovered about it...right? That's how everything they have encountered in their world so far has worked. It must have a hidden meaning or function or effect. Something lives in it, or you can gather it, or it is an enemy, or a passageway, or a threat, or an ally, a resource...but the longer the player looks into it, the more they realize that it is not any of these things. The only thing it is is

Not.

And that makes the player vastly, horribly uncomfortable. For a mind that has spent its entire existence pushing to know more, to run up against a nothingness like this, to find an actual end in the End - they just can't accept that! The only thing more uneasy to a human being than an unknown is a space where there is simply nothing to know. And no matter how much meaning I try to pack into it to sooth the unease, no matter how many theories that player staring over the edge tries to throw into that endless abyss of thin air and static, the Void will remain just that: Void. Null. Nothing. A thing that by all rights should be dismissed as inconsequential, but still lives in the backs of the minds of those who are near it - not a question with no answer, but a host of scraped-together answers with no question, only stillness.

As a writer, I could spend thousands of words to describe it and still never get close...because I am moving in the wrong direction.

After you read this, sit in silence. That will paint a better picture of nonexistence than all the knowledge in the Universe ever could.

[galacticlamps]

im sorry im sorry im sorry i know it’s been well over a year but i accidentally thought about Short Trips: Deleted Scenes (again) and it’s killing me (again) so i think im just gonna go ahead and post all these stupid thoughts that have been plaguing me about it since i first heard it & maybe that’ll help clear up some space in my head for like, real life things.

Spoilers I guess? It’s like a year and a half old but also high key the most recent 2nd doctor content i believe we’ve gotten which is like, the only negative thing I can say about it

The TLDR version is this:

I literally cant believe how sweet it is? Painful, but sweet. Like. I don’t honestly know what’s more likely - did they set out to write Jamie a nice little straight love interest and just fail miserably at it by constantly likening her to the Doctor AND paralleling the Doctor’s perspective with her ex’s AND putting Jamie’s relationships with both of them in direct tension with each other while constantly letting his with the Doctor win out?

OR - did they do a very 1960s thing and say hey we’re gonna write what’s essentially a story about how much Jamie and the Doctor love each other and release it on Valentine’s Day thinly disguised as a one-off romance with a french lady?

Now, as a general rule, my attitude toward questions like that is usually “don’t know, don’t care, doesn’t matter” - and while I 100% stand by that, I also have to admit that this particular audio seems to pay enough attention to detail that I’d kind of think I was selling it short if I assumed too many of these things were just meaningless coincidences, you know?

Anyway, that’s the most coherent/overarching thought. And here’s a disorganized list of things I absolutely cannot get over about it (they don’t form any kind of argument, mind, they just all happen to live rent free in my head):

- Celine is first taken in by Jamie being an idiot (specifically him claiming not to speak French, in perfect French); likewise, her entrance in the scene where they actually kiss is marked with a little anecdote about her hat getting stuck on a doornail and her scolding it as she attempts to fix her un-tameable appearance, and the narration says Celine “would often clown for Jamie like this” - all of which, while undeniably adorable, don’t exactly strike me as entirely original traits to have been assigned to Jamie’s love-interest (but also Celine is so cool and her perspective on film/media/time is an excellent addition to the long list of dr who characters)

- When they’re in the present, describing Jamie’s relationship with Celine in 1908, they call him her “companion” and highlight his going nearly everywhere with her, which earns a laugh from the 4th doctor (and me as well, though probably for slightly different reasons - but like, is that really all it takes to have a fling with someone in 60′s era who? bc if so...)

- Celine’s ex-fiance is still in love with her and is jealously watching when she kisses Jamie ... and then the Doctor appears beside him, evidently doing the exact. same. thing. They have the following conversation:

“You know, it’s not prudent to spy on people. But then, people in pain can’t be expected to act prudently.”

“Pain, monsieur? You mistake me.”

“Ah, do I? Good, because I rather thought you’d lost something.”

“What would you know about loss monsieur?”

- I’m sorry doc but who do you think you are, saying stuff like that and smiling sadly at the floor to boot? I 100% had to pause it here the first time I listened, just to not throw my laptop across the room. 

- Then when I recovered continued, the Doctor closes the door so they can’t watch anymore and explains “Possessing things comes so terribly easily to some men that losing them can feel cruel, intolerably cruel. In my experience, only the very best of men cannot be tempted to answer that cruelty with more - I do sincerely hope that you are the best of men.” (guess who gets described as the best of men by the end of the audio?)

- Jamie and the Doctor apparently develop a habit of walking along the river in Paris in silence

- During one such walk, Jamie suggests Celine come with them since she already figured out about the Tardis - and when the Doctor’s worried by this, he says he only allowed Jamie & Celine to grow closer “because of Victoria.” Jamie takes offense at the ‘allowing it’ comment and also refuses to admit he knows what the Doctor means about Victoria, which leads the Doctor to say that he knows how fond Jamie was of her - he was too, of course, but with him, “it was different, wasn’t it?” Jamie only says maybe that’s true and maybe that’s not, but his voice catches until he changes the subject

- Jamie doesn’t see Celine for days both times that she’s recovering from the shock and depression of her work being destroyed. In contrast, when the Doctor’s not well, Jamie’s "afraid” and “guilty” and hardly seems to leave his side at all, if his being there “rushing to embrace him” the second he wakes up - after a period Jamie describes as “at least a week” - is anything to go by, anyway. so either bf writers need to learn how to write a committed straight relationship or admit that’s not what they ever intended in the first place

- Oh yeah, and the Doctor spends that week "asleep” in Jamie’s bedroom - no, there’s no explanation as to if that’s where he was when he first collapsed or if it’s where Jamie decided to take him bc why would they feel the need to explain him being there? why was it even relevant to tell us it was Jamie’s room in the first place?

- The Doctor somehow manages to control the Tardis enough to take Celine on one trip to an alien planet and then return to the correct time & place for her to use the footage she recorded there in her new film - and while the audio doesn’t do very much to explain how that was possible, it does treat this as A Pretty Big Deal, and immediately afterward the Doctor has to spend a week communing with his past self (and/or the Tardis?) debating how likely it is that the Time Lords could use this to trace him. When he decides it’s not worth the risk and they have to stop the film from ever being shown to the public, Jamie asks why he agreed to it in the first place, and all he can say is “Because, Jamie, you asked me to!” earning awkward stares from the crowd.

- Oh, but, lest we forget, that little outburst is also immediately followed by him putting his arm around Jamie’s shoulders, and, shockingly, apparently beginning to actually explain the truth about the danger from the Time Lords - until they’re interrupted, of course idk why exactly but the idea of a 60s dr wanting to come clean with a companion but not being allowed to bc the show demands the war games be something of a reveal hurts me in a very good way

- The mental image of “the Doctor and Jamie, resplendent in borrowed evening wear”

- The audio admitting that Jamie’s not very good at subterfuge, and the Doctor asking if he’s going to be alright with them having to steal the film back from Celine - and Jamie’s little “Aye, Doctor” as he feels a ‘glass arrow piercing his chest’ glad to see bf is reading all my letters about exactly how i feel any time something sad happens to james robert mccrimmon

- The Doctor’s anxious to get out of there for obvious reasons, but he hangs around bc Jamie wants to see Celine again - which doesn’t happen, because of her aforementioned shock & depression, but she does leave Jamie a note that ends “you and that Doctor of yours - look after him Jamie, he loves you dearly, as do I.” yeah, if you didn’t want people to draw a parallel there, you could’ve picked, like, any other wording in the world.

- In case you weren’t fully convinced I’ve been reading too much into this whole audio already, consider this: Celine dies in Long Island in 1968, three days before her birthday - 1968 is when this story would’ve taken place in the show’s history (between Fury & Wheel), and dying three days before/after a birthday in America seems a bit... well I had some deja vu from it, anyway

- Four of all people being the one to bring back the film - I know he does it bc Sarah Jane makes him, but personally, I often feel like despite the length of his run, 4 is the Doctor with which we might’ve gotten the fewest glimpses into his interiority, so the fact that it’s him and not one of the more overtly sentimental Doctors makes it feel like it carries even more weight somehow, to me anyway. I think I wrote a post saying roughly the same thing about 4 & Fate of Krelos/Return to Telos but maybe I only did that inside my own head lol. Still, I’m all for any opportunities for Jamie to be one of the few characters to draw some noticeable emotion out of Four, but in fairness I haven’t touched too much of his EU stuff to really be able to compare the frequency with which this happens with other past companions

- Is Four referring to Two or Jamie when he says he got the film from “an old family friend”? Two did the actual stealing, but he probably means Jamie’s involvement - either way, it’s an interesting way of describing old companions - or selves?

- When Jemima goes to call Jamie a thief, Four is “roused” to defend him: “he really was the very best of men” again, any time four freely shows he cares about someone, im over the moon about it

- Oh ha ha, there’s an audio called “Deleted Scenes” featuring the Doctor who’s most affected by junked episodes. And at the end of it, a character who’s spent her life researching and lecturing about a lost film gets to watch it be ‘rediscovered’ after it’s gone unseen for decades. I feel marginally less stupid for reading into the other details of a story like this when it ends up deciding to be to be clever & slightly meta like that

But yeah

all in all, it’s kind of amazing to me that this genuinely reads like they sat down and said okay boys it’s valentines day, let’s write an audio where jamie kisses a girl, since that hasn’t happened except as a plot device in one story in 1967 - but then when they got down to business they accidentally(?) wrote a story all about how important his bond with the Doctor is and how easily that can be compared to a legitimate love interest (even if the love interest in question is a one off character & the extent of the relationship appears to be like one kiss & then having Jamie spend most of his time around the Doctor instead)

I realize there’s something slightly illogical about writing the words “shipping aside” after a post like this but seriously - no matter how many categories you’re able to see two & jamie’s relationship fitting into, this is 40 minutes of big finish just hitting you over the head with how powerful/special/important that relationship is, and with them being two of my favorite characters, i really haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since

[fragmentwitch]

Pondering Eua and Re:Unanswered Questions

Me after finishing Gou:

I have several questions but I will spend most of this post trying to answer just one.

If a new rule allows Rika and Satoko to transfer to the same new fragment after dying, did she really keep track of which Rika since that was made only after the Chandelier death?

Is Gou Rika Matsuribayashi Rika? Or Chandelier Rika? If the Rika she gets in her happy ending isn't her actual original Rika, could this be the cost Eua might have vaguely warned about and not actually the loops bleeding into people's memories?

Is Satoko a piece of Lambdadelta along with Vier/LD3105/Mitsuyo and Eua a piece of Featherine's? And not actually Lambdatoko? Or is Ryukishi just trolling with having Eua babble nonsense (Thinking Emoji)

Where/when will the Logic Error occur?

I used to believe the error was in the original series going off the VERY VAGUE statement about the beginning and end being connected. Never has there ever been a perfectly airtight idea of what the real Logic Error is though, and the new mechanics shown by Gou really makes my brain hurt.

Are Hanyuu and Eua the same person? Are Eua and FEATHERINE the same person?

I continue to have hope Hanyuu doesn't get retconned into being a Big Bad Evil Demon Lady named Eua, despite mounting implications that suggest otherwise. I had originally been led to believe Hanyuu was a piece that was left to roam the game board by her Game Master: given that she's been part of the Hinamizawa world for 1k years I wondered for a bit if she was a Witch that somehow lost her memory. Kotohogushi is a bit dubious on the canonicity so I have to remind myself the translation about Hanyuu coming from a line of 'alien' like people transferring their consciousness from another dimension with a grain of salt.

But Eua looks so much like Featherine I've been rewatching her scenes lately and thinking... this line I really keep thinking about:

What did Eua mean by this? She phrases it like there is someone/something of a higher power than even herself.

In terms of ranking, Lambda described Aurora higher than Voyagers/Witches. She was one step below THE Creator (supposedly there is a typo where there is actually just One Creator and Aurora is merely a Witch with a comparable power to a creator but idk Japanese so cant verify this).

From the way she worded things, she isn't talking to Satoko exclusively: she's talking about Vier, LD3105, and Mitsuyo. Referencing that it took hundreds of millions of loops for Eua and Satoko to meet 'once more'. Surely this can't mean Rika's looping merely referring to Hanyuu and Satoko; that sort of looping sounds beyond 100 years' worth.

Could it be that Eua is a self-aware god piece referring to all the various Expies in the WTCverse as being the same person at the heart of things? Possibly... but let's remember that Featherine lost her memory when her device was damaged; Lambda described it as one severe enough to alter her memory, appearance, and personality. It happened once, and Featherine would likely be extremely guarded against letting it happen again. How it happened is one more mystery.

Back to Eua: when Satoko asks her to 'alter' the rules of the game, and she acts like it's no biggie, then this carries heavy implications of being the Game Master/Territory Lord. If she was merely a piece, no amount of self-awareness would make her capable of altering the actual rules on a whim would it?

There's also this line she spoke to Satoko in episode 18ish: "The horn that granted the cat power was damaged, but mine is not."

Note that she says horn singular. Not plural. She doesn't say "mine are not" and confirms Rika was given the looping ability by something external. Yet she doesn't assign it a name (Hanyuu), just refers to it as an object. Which might be a hint as to how Featherine might create piece Witches: her device might be a way of transferring loop power with more permanence that gets around a 'sponsorship' which can be withdrawn at the Witch's discretion.

Also recall that when Satoko touches the Oyashiro statue (whose arm is intact but has a hollow head), it shatters on the upper part and only one horn falls out onto the floor. Not a horseshoe shaped device like Featherine's. It's also black, while Eua's is all white. Yet Hanyuu's horns are still with one chunk missing and colored black. Eua also mentions she isn't supposed to even have a name, in fact, her meeting with Satoko seems almost by 'chance' (she speaks like Satoko summoned her to the fragment in this manner). Hanyuu's full real name is given in a chapter that is dubiously semi-canon, so Ryukishi might elect to leave it out of Gou, but her husband Riku Furude gave her the nickname 'Hanyuu'. (Which still contains the character for Feather)

These observations are making me consider the possibility that Hanyuu and Eua are separate personas of a singular entity: The smooth horn belongs to Eua while the broken one belongs to Hanyuu. Black and White; a contrast between the kind demon mother who feels Rika's pain and lived on the gameboard & the demon who relishes in tormenting humans, too above to be part of the gameboard herself.

So, that leads us to the million dollar question: who is the entity if we put both horns together? Do we get Featherine Augustus Aurora? Or the Oyashiro living in this reverse-world Hinamizawa and hiding inside the actual statue? (Seriously is there a corpse in there? Wtf)

Or are these two halves of a GM making a tug of war for control over the Higurashi Catbox via their loopers? Now THAT is a mindblower if true.

We got our answer that Takano forfeited her villain role before Gou actually began so that may explain why the legend of Oyashiro is told deceptively 'wrong', but how does one account for the unbroken statue with a removeable head... could we potentially get a fragment in Sotsu where Satoko doesn't break the arm off it as a child and thus it affects all the loops afterwards? Hmm.

Either way we haven't actually caught up to GOU chronologically speaking, so until Sotsu comes out, there's no way to tell for sure if Eua and Hanyuu are one and the same or if they are actually two halves of a whole. But I will be a happy camper if this crackpot theory turns out to be right. Usually I'm wrong though. Lol

But now I'll definitely see about cooking up a diagram or something if we can actually make a branching map of the different Rikas to figure out which one is Gou Rika.

[horde-princess]

this is kinda personal but like

i CANT stop thinking about how noelle draws self portraits with a hole in her body... it was the very first comic in the memoir so right away she establishes this imagery as something related to her spirituality

and it comes back again and again, associated with a lot of different moments of growth and pain. particularly interesting is how she’ll draw fire (somewhat symbolic of bipolar disorder) coming from the hole—idk if she was suggesting that religious trauma triggered the symptoms exactly but at least that it exacerbated them to an oppressive level

but this is the comic that really gets to me. she’s talking to her younger self, it’s towards the end of the book after describing all the growth shes experienced over the past few years and its the last major appearance of this imagery

i know i talk about “religious trauma” all the time but i used to have a hard time taking it seriously / really thinking of it as TRAUMA because idk i was raised to believe people who chose to leave christianity were just sinners. so they deserved to be unhappy. of course they’re unhappy because

growing up in church = youre CONDITIONED to believe that everyone has a god-shaped hole in their chest and no empty “earthly pleasure” could ever satisfy it. you’re conditioned to constantly every hour of the day be thinking about mortality and the afterlife, and the meaning of life, and you become convinced you know all the answers, and you build. your. entire. existence. around. that. (no wonder religion is so intoxicating)

so when you finally decide to leave a religion you were raised in it really does feel like this!! like you’re walking around with a hole in your chest. even after noelle spent almost a decade figuring out how to go through life without religion, she draws this comic thats just like “i dont know if this empty void inside me will ever go away. ive learned to live with it, though, and to redefine what love and happiness mean to me, and i think, maybe, that can be enough.”

and thats honestly so healing to me like.. just seeing someone say thats valid, that the wounds from that kind of indoctrination are deep and fundamental to your humanity and, you know, maybe you’re hoping time will eventually heal them, but you’re not sure, and its hard to see an ending... but whether or not they heal completely one day you will keep going, you will learn for the first time how to find beauty in this world, and youll find reasons to live, and you’ll be ok. 

just seeing someone take it seriously for once instead of being like “FUCK religion man” or “you can be gay and christian!” like... theres a grey middle area you can exist in thats hard to explain and people often trivialize it but. i love how noelle expresses it. it really is a hole in you that you just kinda learn to live with. ALSO this is a huge part of adoras story!!!!! redefining her own reasons for existing. which is why i relate to her so much and ill defend the writing of her character with my dying breath lkdfj

but yeah i dont feel weird about acknowledging i have “religious trauma” anymore. like ive realized its actually a very real thing that affects peoples mental health .. thats a baby step i guess haha. but she-ra has been a big part of it recently and im forever thankful.

anyway WHEN is noelle gonna drop this secret subscription service to her personal comics 😭😭 sir we are WAITINGGG

[dropoutparty]

ngc ramblings part 2- chapters 3 and 4

time for post 2 babeyy!! i didnt try to really be funny in this one like i did the last one, so i hope u dont mind!! heres a link to the first post if u missed it! ill make a masterpost of all the parts once im done with all the chapters. now lets get into trance and dementia!! (that sounds. hilarious out of context)

here we are at trance! the name of this one is pretty clear, but ill still go into the definition for the sake of clarity. basically, a trance is a state of half consciousness and an absence of response to external stimuli, like what you might experience when under deep hypnosis. this is probably referencing the “episodes” that melissa would go into where she would jsut kinda stare off into the distance and not emote all that much. the music here is compared to the videodrome theme, which probably means theres a consistent high note in the background, with the main attraction of the song being garbled electronic noises, maybe with some more coherent synth coming in at some point. either way, it probably is meant to make you feel uneasy because as we all know, high pitched noises are spooky.

the new kaiju this time around is orga (a kaiju with some mutated godzilla dna in it). this makes zach realize that this game couldnt be just some unreleased version of the normal one (as if fuckin red appearing didnt already make that clear) so he now figures that its a rom hack of some kind that his friend just happened to find. im glad he didnt just immediately go to assuming it was haunted because thats SUCH a common thing in these creepypastas and its so dumb?? good job cosby... anyways the first level zach goes into is also the first quiz level, where we finally meet face!!! my beloved,, i dont really know how to approach the quiz levels tbh? because on one hand i wanna examine face as a character all at once but on the other hand i wanna talk about them as i go... for this post ill leave all the quiz stuff out, but i wanna know if yall would want them included in the future! ill just make a separate post for all the quiz levels if you dont :3. overall though, the first quiz level gives me the feeling that face is assessing who and what zach is, maybe throwing random stuff in to make it not seem suspicious or something?

anyways, zach finishes the quiz level and moves onto a green temple level. zach describes the music of these levels as hypnotic, which might relate to the planet name? the only enemies in this level are dead things, specifically a ghost thing and a bat with a horse skull head, who probably killed the things that became the ghosts. already this world is a little different than pathos because it has buildings in it!! specifically, this world is filled with green temple levels, which i think translates in-game universe to two large temples and three smaller ones (based on how the levels are kinda clumped together, with single ones kinda spread out). outside of the temples are the same empty blue mountain stages that pathos had, but now with not-moguera hangin around! i feel like this further proves my idea i talked about in the last post, where not-moguera and not-gezora killed all the life on the planet together, because as far as is said the blue mountains are still empty here except for not-moguera. theres also some cave stages from pathos here, but not as many.

moving on, after zach gets through some stages its time for the bosses! first up is not-varan, whos sprite looks like its an altered version of varans actual sprite from the original game, just like the other not-kaijus so far. i think this is a theme among all of the nots here so ill just say when they dont look made up of the originals parts from now on. not-varan fights by kicking and shooting heat-seeking missiles. its head is backwards, so it cant see whats in front of it. i get the feeling that the missiles are heat-seeking in order to kill anything coming towards it that it cant see and the kicks are more of a desperation thing, like oh god my missiles didnt kill something and now its hurting me, i need to get away or something like that. so i guess i would describe its fighting style as defensive? anyways, moving on. next zach fights not-hedorah, who is the source of the horse-bats. this is the first one that doesnt seem to be made up of an original monsters parts, but it does have the same color scheme so theres that. not-hedorahs fighting is a lot more aggressive, summoning horse-bats to keep you distracted while he goes to town on you. i think a second not-moguera was put here to help not-hedorah kill everything, because i don't think not-varan would be very useful when it comes to doing that lmao. so after zach beats not-hedorah, no more horse-bats spawn which is neat! after beating not-hedorah, zach tries to enter the base level without beating orga but it doesnt work so i wont dwell on it.

orga is just a normal godzilla monster, so there isnt as much to say about him. i do think that orga was an original resident of trance before the not-kaiju came around to kill everything, like biollante was on pathos. he fights by punching, shooting a heat beam, and eating other monsters! i think this last one, even tho its a normal part of the kaiju, is here to foreshadow reds preferred method of killing things that we see later (especially since orga also unhinges his jaw to eat things). anyways this fight makes zach geek out and think that the game must have been made by a fellow person of culture and godzilla fan!! which is funny for reasons ill get into later. he doesnt have much time for a fanboy moment tho bc he has to run the mile again with coach red!

this time around, the game is trying to trip zach up by including some obstacles to avoid while you run from red. red doesnt have any issue with them though, theyre not meant to keep him away from you, after all.  zach was freaked out but he still has his epic gamer skillz so he beat the level just fine. when he was done he yelled in gamer delight before red looked at him like “shut the hell up” and zach almost pissed himself. and thats trance!! before i move onto dementia tho, i wanna talk about trance itself because of course i do. i think this planet used to be home to a lot of creatures like pathos was, but this society was more developed and spirituality was very important to them, hence all of the temples. i dont think it was a very somber or strict society though, mainly im getting that from the temple music having an “indian techno vibe” to, it. so from what i gather, this society was very spiritual but also they liked to party. while im on the subject of the temples, i think that face is hiding out in either like a small side building or a hidden room inside of one of the big green temples. trance probably used to be his home, and when everything started getting killed i think he hid out somewhere he would be safe. i dont know about yall, but the quiz levels always gave me the impression that they were indoors for some reason? so that definitely contributes to the hiding in a temple idea but i think it still works if you dont feel the same. i think thats all i really have to say about trance, so lets move on to dementia!

ok as usual, were starting out with the planets name: dementia. you know what dementia is but again, for the sake of clarity its basically a disorder caused by brain injury or disease that causes memory loss, personality changes, and impaired reasoning. im not entirely sure why dementia specifically was chosen here, and my best guess for what it could mean is that maybe its foreshadowing melissas condition? it doesnt really resemble dementia at all but thats my best guess lmao. anyways, this chapter starts out with zach still freaking out about red looking at him and wondering whats up with the game before we get our board description this time around. its during this little beginning part that he decides that he has to finish the game just to see what the hell is even going on with it, which like. fair. ok so the boards music is described as basically a slow piano cover of the original games saturn theme.

as will be the routine from now on, zach starts with the quiz level. the questions face asks this time around seem like hes trying to get to know more about zach at this point, though theres still the usual unrelated questions mixed in (though theres only like 4 of them this time)! for the last question he asks, face must have figured out that zach is a human because he offers him a new monster! zach obviously says yes pogs irl when he sees that face gave him anguirus, his second favorite godzilla monster (whats his favorite godzilla monster? is it godzilla? he hasnt mentioned a favorite monster yet so why bring up your second favorite? idk) and one that hes wanted to play as since he was a child, which is interesting (im sure youre sick of hearing this by now but, more on that later). ok now onto the levels.

the first kind of level is a palette swap of the blue mountains from the last two worlds, but this time theres also water! the music is “a very simple song with a lot of abrupt pauses, followed by a loud note every few seconds” so take from that what you will. this level doesnt have any enemies in it, just like the last two, but this time it looks like zachs goin for a swim bc were goin underwater babeyy!! the enemies in the water consisted of a piranha (which zach likes because he can “tell what it is” talk about a buzzkill) and a spiky bottom feeder thing whatever taht means. and that's it for that level type. kinda boring but the other two level types make up for it. speaking of, lets go onto the next level type! these levels actually have an in-game name for them; unforgiving cold. these levels are very long, taking place in a castle dungeon made of blue bricks, with statues of terrified faces lining the walls. these levels made zach really anxious, and the longer he played them the more he felt like he was getting close to something “unspeakably evil” yea sure dude. its now that he starts to suspect something supernatural is going on, because he thinks the game can make the player feel things at will, which imean he isnt wrong? also the music in these levels is just a looping choir that sounded familiar to zach for some reason. there werent any enemies (which im realizing is a running theme in this thing huh) so were onto the first boss, not-baragon.

not-baragon is another one that isnt made up of its originals parts, but still has the same color scheme. he fights with a really strong kick, ice breath, and pissing on you with a gatling gun dick. yes im being serious. like??? i didnt remember taht being a thing but oh my god just look at this shit.

comedy gold. you even do extra damage to him if you attack the gun like??? anyways zach beats not-baragon and goes on to the last level type, the arctic. the level is literally just an icy tundra with some water segments, and the music is compared to northern hemispheres from donkey kong country but 8bit? and zach described it as “dangerous sounding” so theres that. the enemies here consist of a thing that zach says kinda looks like not-gezora but without the eye (i can kinda see it? maybe) thats frozen in ice, a spike ball with legs that explodes and shoots spikes everywhere when it dies, and the piranhas from the green mountains. the last two are only in the water segments, because yea theres water segments and theyve got platforming babeyy!! at the end of the level, theres a mini boss fight with maguma (a walrus kaiju), who runs away when you beat him. thats all the levels, so we can get on to the rest of the bosses!

the next boss is manda, a sea dragon kaiju. he fights by spitting fire, biting, and constricting (also he switches things up if somethings not working, so hes a pretty smart cookie). during the fight the atragon (which is like an airship from one of the movies i think?) shows up to help, which zach thought was epic and poggers even tho it didnt help at all. and thats the manda fight, moving on! the next fight is weird, because nothing is there for a little while before a fish shows up, screams, and then gets fuckin kilt by not-gigan. once again, it doesnt resemble the original but it uses the same color palette. it fought with a blood beam it shot from its mouth and a slash, and zach described it as fast and unrelenting, so definitely a really aggressive mike wazowski lookin motherfucker. after zach beats him, he goes on to the last boss of dementia, spacegodzilla (i guess the people who make the kaiju were going through a creative block or something lmao). spacegodzilla looks like normal godzilla but hes blue now and hes got ice!! why tf is he called spacegodzilla!!! anyways hes also more strategic with his fighting pattern, making ice crystal spires taht charges up his special meter and also keeps you from reaching him. when you do get close to him, you participate in a funney big dinosaur slap fight until u win, pog!! now on a completely different note, big reds comin to town (aw shit. here we go again)

this time around the chase is mostly underwater (tho its blood now bc ooo spooky,, sometimes i forget that this story is supposed to be scary tbh) so red has to put his floaties on before he can follow zach. theres also landmines over pits and red reveals his weird tentacle hand mouth tongue before zach finally gets away and the chase is over. reds startin to get frustrated bro, he's tried to catch this fucker like 3 times now wadda hell!!! btw these chase sections are a lot less crazy than i thought they were like. huh. ig its more intense when you listen to a reading lol. anyways now its time to talk about dementia as a planet. i think the whole “the not-kaijus are killing all the stuff on these planets for red” still holds true, and i feel like it will continue to do that, so ill just briefly mention it from now on. this planet is all ice and water basically though, so i think they had a harder time doing it this time, hence why the underwater sections have more enemies and the only original kaiju here can stay underwater for protection. also, i think face followed zach to dementia from trance because he realized what zach was doing and wanted to help out, which is why he gave zach anguirus.

basically i picture dementia to be a planet thats mostly water with some land thrown in, and an old dilapidated castle in the center. i think the castle itself was probably destroyed by the not-kaijus (along with anything alive that might have been in it). i cant decide if i think spacegodzilla or manda would have lived there, so ill just say they both lived there as gay lovers or somehting. as for the statue faces, theyve appeared on trance and dementia so far, and theyll continue to appear throughout the pasta. basically, i think these represent melissa and/or her presence. like in the green temples on trance, i think that alludes to how melissa is kind of an “angel” or divine being later in the game, and in the blue castle i think they could represent how melissa is (supposedly, more on that later) being held in the game so she can be tortured forever (which is why they look fuckin terrified). i think thats all i have to say about dementia.

before i end the post i wanted to say something abt the planets names. in the first post, i said i would talk about the planets names significance all at once but i. completely forgot that while writing this one, so ill just do them as i go from now on!! basically what i think the significance of pathos’ name is could be multiple things. it could be referencing the sad state of the planet itself, it could be foreshadowing that playing this game is going to be a painful experience for zach, or it could be talking about the incident with melissa, and how that was a really painful experience for zach (i wouldnt be surprised if it gave zach ptsd honestly). so thats the end of the post babeyy!! next up is entropy and extus!

[tinytigerrrr]

11 for 11 may 🙏, 15, 21, 23, 25, 28, 31, 38, 45, 48 😉 & 49!

11 for 11 may, my god bless you my friend!! <3 And Also THANKS FOR THE ASKS!! <33 Sorry it took so long I really wanted to take my time hehe c: 11. Describe your ideal day. I think my ideal day is sleeping in late, what for me is normal, around 12pm. Then I wake up, eat a good breakfast, sit with my cat on my lap for smtn like an hour. And then I go outside, bcs the sun is shining. I meet my friends and we go picknick somewhere in the sun beneath a few little trees. I buy smtn to drink somewhere because its very hot and ofc I forgot my drink. Its so refreshing and I feel so alive and the world is so beautifull. Me and my friends, we laugh a lot and just enjoy the good weather, the nice day and the little foods. And than at the evening we bbq or eat smtn else nice, and have a good evening. We sit outside for a while, feeling the summer evening becoming cooler. We watch as the stars come out and think to ourselves if we ever looked up at the same stars together in another life. And then when it’s really late, I go back home, feeling the cool breeze against my skin while I ride my electric bike. At home everyone is asleep so I walk in very softly and there I see my cat sleeping in the chair so I walk to her and bent over giving her a gentle kiss on her little head. She makes mmrrr sound and I tell her I love her and that I had an amazing day. After that I give her some food and I go to bed. Maybe take a showe bcs it was so hot today. And then I lay in my bed, tired but very fufilled after such a wonderfull day. Storing the happy memories in my head thinking how blessed I am with my life. As I fall asleep I feel gratefull for today and all the beautiful things that brought it.  Yeah, I think thats mu ideal day. Friends, good weather, sunshine, little food, laughter, love, my cat lucy, summer - yeah smtn like that c: 15. What is your favorite compliment to recieve? I like all kind of compliments. Im a sucked for compliments. I know I do a good job most of the time, but there’s just smtn in me that really likes the validation? I know I don’t need it. But it just makes my soul shine like: Ohmygawd thank you so much this makes me so happy D:. But If I had to think, I think I like the compliment saying I have a good energy or vibe the most. Bcs its so pure and real and not everyone can sense/say that. And you’re energy is not smtn you can fake or make more beautiful. So its such a sincere compliment, that I think thats my favorite compliment to recieve c: 21. Tell us about your music taste. Bro, this is a long one HAHAHA. But I will keep it short: ‘Diverse.’ I think that describes my music taste the best. Because I listen to A LOT of different things. Just what I feel like or in what mood I am. And one thing I also like a lot is when a song makes me feel ‘free’. As if im totally cut off from the world. Thats a really nice feeling music can give you. And ofc songs that make me feel things. Bcs often then I can use it as inspiration. So yeah, thats abt my music taste haha c: Also! I like it when songs have a deeper meaning. Idk why, but thats just megical c: 23. Did you have a favorite stuffed animal as a kid? OH I already answered this one so I will just copy and paste it here! c: ‘’ YES! I HAD. AND I STILL HAVE IT! I dont sleep with it anymore but it has a honorable place among my other stuffed animals. It is a cow, that is formed like a teddy bear so its more cartroony instead of animal like, her name is Koetjeboe and you could play a musicbox song of A Small World from Disneyland. It was my favarite soung and whenever I felt anxious as I child I would play it and it would sooth my soul and fill me with happyness. Aaah good times c: I also had a cat, named, Poes, she is very very very soft, well was, nowadays she aint HAHA she looked like my cat when I was younger, Sjimmie, I loved the plush. Mom bought it for me in England in the Harry Potter castle. It was amazing c: So, I kinda had two, but Koetjeboe the cow is rly my birth stuffed animal haha c:’’ 25. What dream trip would you take with your wife? Honestly, anywhere with her would be a dream. And if she has somewhere wehere she really wants to go, I would just go with that c: Seeing someone you love happy is such a gift so I totally wouldn’t mind going anywhere. That is also because I have so many places I want to go, and almost every place interests me. I can’t think of a country or city or place I am not interested in visiting. I always loved to travel, and still do, so anything would be good c: But if she’s like: Hey what do you want badly? I would probably say somewhere with a beach. I love the sea and I love the beach. So that would be a thing I would love too hahaha. But yeah, anything rly, and the beach c: 28. What makes you smile? Oh boi, what doesn’t?! HAHA. A lot of things make me smile tbh bcs I get happyness out of almost everything. I can remember that I was crying and felt sad, and even then I smiled because it was such a special experience haha. But if I had to say some things I would say; My cat Lucy, cant help but smile whenever I see her, my friends, you super included <3, sunshine, good food, baby animals and honestly just life in general c: 31. How do you show your love? Again, how don’t I? I learned at a very young age to show love in different ways. Bcs I wanted to be a good person. And one of those things is showing love. So I do it with words, saying I really love someone or giving them compliments, thats a big one for me haha. I also like to really support my friends through words. Just supporting them for whoever they are! I also like to give things. It can go from small presents to food to many or big presents on their birthday. Also I like to help people, to give them advice or agai support them any way I can. I also show it through physical contact, as in hugs ans such. And I even sometimes lean toward just really cuddling up to someone HAHAHA But I don’t do that tbh, bcs at the same time it makes me feel uncomfy, but at the same time im like: Ohmygawd I love yo uso much just lemme huddle up against you to share my love with you and ahfgs. So amny ways HAHAHA some more difficult for me and others really easy. Like presents or food, hit me up, imma get you some nice flowers or some sweets or a book you really like bcs I love yu!

38. Who do you admire? Myself *smirk* HAHHA no kiddin. I admire my friends. Because those people have been through hell, or still going through hell, and still decide to be genuine good persons. I’ve seen from upclose what they have to deal with. And they still give so much love tot he world and people and want to help. Its really a blessing to have people like that around me. And I thank the heavens for that. So I would say my friends. Yes. (pls know you are in this picture too. Hello, going through hell still being super good person, ok.) 45. Do you have tattoos or want any? Yes, I have one underneath my feet. HAHA oke jokes, sorry HAHA. No I don’t have any. And I would like one yes. Im not sure what I want tho. I am always thinking of a tiger. Or a lotus flower. Or a little symbol on the inside of my left wrist. That last one I smtn I’ve had for years. I dont know why but I would really like that. A small thing on that place. But what that is gonna be, I have NO idea. OH and I want a smilie face underneath my big toe! Thats just one for fun, but I would rly like it haha.

48. Did you know you’re actually a gift tot he world, for real? IM NOT CRYING YOU ARE *SOB* Thank yo uso much frend!! It means so much to me to hear that I just can’t. My gosh. When I see yu imma hug ya big time. SOB 49. What’s your favorite memory? Ooh this is a hard one. Mostly because I have many good memories and also because Im actually pretty bad at remembering things HAHHA thats two opposites I know xD But uuh, oke I thought about it, but im so sorry i cant think of one RIP. But if I had to choose I would choose smtn that made me smile. That made me really happy. So one with Lucy, many with Lucy, or one with my friends, many with my friends, with my mom, traveling, and so fort. There are a lot and I wish i could show them all to you. Sadly I can’t. BUT We can make our own favorite memories. So lets do that, okay? <3

[eitelle]

hey! i was wondering if i could get a hq matchup? im 5’4, bisexual, an enfp, cancer sun scorpio moon virgo rising, my favorite color is either green or pink n my fav food is fried rice! to describe myself im basically like, really sarcastic in a to tease my friends, but i’m still very nurturing. i also tend to be very indecscive but im doing my best! GSVSBSB to wrap this up so i dont just ramble, i love making playlists + theatre/acting! i hope this helps, and thank you so much!

HIHI!! so i was writing something for u amd i mf forgot to save but its ok!! u remind me a lot of iwa just sweeter, so ive matched you with: oikawa tōru!!

ok so some hcs:

ok so yall yell at each other bc u both overwork too much :(

def have like such petty arguments pls

fangirls would def like adore you idk why i just feel like it

some would hate u but u cant please everyone 🙄👎

HE MAKES U MAKE PLAYLISTS FOR YOU TWO!!

will help u recite lines when practicing for an audition

he teaches u how to interact w iwa who teaches u how to spike so u can help oikawa w late night practices 🥳👍

mad dog likes u.

and tolerates oikawa bc of u

kinda scared hr using him sometimes but then u ✨ h u m b l e ✨ him so then he remembers youll never be a fangirl 😭🤚

yall are like that it couple that are so cute but mot super popular but also rly popular at the same time

P. D. A. ALL DAY EVERYDAY.

learns how to cook for u <3

very cute couple and he def calls u princess or baby

HIS FITS>>>>>

imagine: tw: angst ｜genre: hurt/comfort

its 11:34 pm and tōru oikawa the “grand king” was still not in your bed with cuddles like he normally was. of course as his girlfriend of 1.5 years, you knew him and he knew you. so u called iwa.

“haji?” you question once the ace picks up after the second attempt of calling him. “is oiks there?” already dreading the answer.

“oh... hey,” you hear iwa say obviously mouthing something to someone near him. “uh- yeah. he is,” he admits with a sigh.

you quickly hang up, keys already in ur hand as u drive to aoba johsais gym. once you arrive iwa is standing by the door, a faint hearing of volleyballs being dribbled on the gym floor and a smack: tōru’s favorite serve. you nod at iwa telling him silently, ‘you can go ive got this. dont worry, im so beating his ass.’

as you storm inside you dont see ur confident, cocky, gorgeous boyfriend practicing serves as you thought you would. instead you see a shell of the man you know, someone staring at their hands seeming to bear the weight of the world on their shoulders frim their posture. as you see what was happening, him comparing himself to kageyama, all anger lf him overworking himself were long forgotten as you rush to him, hugging him as he let out a sob that wracked through his body.

“am i- am i just not good enough princess?” he asks, the chocolate haired setters normally clear eyes swarming with unshed tears. “wouldnt u like someone like iwa more?”

you shush the setter and hug him murmuring how much you love him, why you love him, and why u dint love anyone else.

by the end of the night in the car, oikawa driving, music is blasting, the two of you are singing along; until u yell out of the blue “GODDAMNIT TOORU NEVER EVER DO THAT AGAIN OK I LOVR YOU SO MUCH AND UR OVERWORKING URSELF AGAIN. I WILL MURDER U IF U KEEP DOING THAT.” as oikawa looks at you with admiration and fear in his eyes. “now keep ur eyes on the road goddamnit.”

and the two of you drove home to cuddle some more, conflict resolved.

BRO???? ARTBREEDER!!!

SORRY THIS TOOK ME SO LONG ANON🙄👍 HOPE U ENJOYED !!

[mousehole5000]

tgcf chapters 107 - 120 this is one where i give some Opinions. i do overall like hualian a lot but i have some quibbles

wait why am i still taking screenshots? i can copy/paste again afskldfjasad

It really was hard to tell whether people would feel happy after watching such performances. However, in truth, slaughter and the sight of blood did create excitement in people. Whether or not there was fear, after the initial shock was over, a rush of adrenaline would be produced in the heart- me watching horror movies

“Shi Qingxuan said. “Then, Your Highness, Crimson Rain Sought Flower! I order you to—to immediately strip each other’s clothing!” - djslkadjlsd WHY DID HE SPECIFICALLY SAY THEY HAD TO STRIP EACH OTHER THISALSKDJ is this a normal thing is it a wingman attempt what is happening

“I’ll tell you what it is,” he said softly. “To watch with your own eyes your beloved be trampled and ridiculed, yet be unable to do anything. That’s the worst suffering in the world.” ... “Ming Yi asked, “What’s the biggest regret of your life?”- when truth or dare gets a bit too real

On the side, Hua Cheng was still only observing, and was already bored to the point where he’d changed back into his red robes. Then he changed to black robes again. Then to white robes. Almost every time Xie Lian looked back, he would be donning a different appearance, and with every new look there were different hairstyles, and different accessories, and different boots, and so on; sometimes playful, sometimes elegant, sometimes deadly, sometimes glamourous. Xie Lian was growing dizzy from all the colours and kept looking back, unable to look away. - THIS ISNT THE TIME HUA CHENG. YOURE PRIMPING. THE WINDMASTER HAS BEEN KIDNAPPED AND YOURE PRIMPING

obsessed with xie lian not being able to figure out to use the windmaster’s fan and just. using it to SMACK

also windmaster??? whats going on??? :( i know some things from spoilers like who is not to be trusted but i really have no clue whats happening rn

anyways back to puqi shrine lets check on those kids also can we PLEASE get some funds for this restoration smh. hua cheng and xie lian doing mundane hard labor together to fulfill prayers.... :pleading:

jailbreak in the heavens 2: dig a tunnel

Sure enough, the moment Ming Yi put pressure on his shovel, a hole opened up before them. With the shovel raised, he burrowed crazily ahead while Shi Qingxuan, in the middle, cheered him on crazily. As the only non-crazy person, Xie Lian brought up the rear. That treasured shovel of the Earth Master was indeed magical, and with only a few strokes, a new tunnel of over ten meters was dug. - anybody remember mulch diggums from the artemis fowl series? this is much more dignified than that but i think this is only the second time ive read a character just starting digging a tunnel as a plot point

okay so much is going on i wish i hadnt spoiled who certain characters actually are for myself but i have no one to blame but me for a) not blacklisting spoilers at all and b) just having a little freefall through the tags. oh well. anyway heavenly college admissions scandal except way worse. the corruption extends to the heavens and the windmaster is having a very bad day

i guess we’re having a high seas adventure now?

im gonna keep it real im getting tired of how often we get told how handsome hua cheng is. i know its all xie lian’s pov and while im not terribly familiar with it i know what genre we’re working with and im assuming thats pretty typical. its something i dont much care for in general and idk maybe it sounds better in the original but ngl its starting to make me roll my eyes. love you goth king but god okay we get it.

i guess what i will say about hualian so far is that overall i like them and i like how they interact in general they have a lot of nice moments and they just genuinely seem to like each other which is really nice to see EXCEPT for when it actually comes to things that could be romantic or sexual which is a shame bc i dont think it has to be like this. again disclaimer that im only reading a translation and dont know everything might not have all the knowledge necessary to accurately criticize etc etc and im assuming a lot of this is expected from the genre (disclaimer to this disclaimer that i cant say that for sure its just based on things ive picked up about the bl genre over the years) but idk like xie lian was so distressed after their underwater kiss scene. it was kind of uncomfortable to read and maybe im being unfair i know his cultivation is based around abstinence or whatever but idk i dont care for it. and that scene alone doesnt have to be a bad thing like idk i guess its his first kiss ever (?) and it would make sense if he feels weird about it but i just have my doubts thats going to be addressed or resolved in a satisfying way. also im like. dude everyone is like centuries old. xie lian’s been on earth for 800 years. has he really never met or heard of a gay person during all this time? maybe he hasnt idk what he got up to yet maybe that’s actually a thing. also same thing with the reactions from the immortals to xie lian in a dress and characters like the windmaster like again you’re all centuries old and its not uncommon to be able to just completely change gender presentation. why are you all weird about a man wearing a woman’s dress? i just feel like that shouldnt be a big deal to these characters idk

also again not going to lie part of this that im not really a big fan of reading romance in general. yes i am reading this book. yes i do read and write a lot of fanfic that includes or centers romance. im multifaceted. but really what im talking about is the like physical side of it and descriptions im extremely picky about it. ill give an example. early on in the torture pit (or whatever it was called i cant remember lol) when xie lian kind of accidentally felt up hua cheng in the dark when he was being carried. i dont think thats a bad thing to have happen between the two romantic leads i think thats fine and good to include that early but i just did not enjoy reading it when it happened idk maybe it was the wording and i do think that moments like these work better in a visual medium. ive definitely read het romance that reads like this and i wasnt a fan of that either lol same with fanfic i get tired when writers go on and on about how hot one characters finds another character. this isnt a huge criticism of it like i said im picky but again like with the way that hua cheng is described it just makes me roll my eyes sorry kings

okay back to the reading. this whole saving the fishermen thing feels like a big set up for something narrative-wise. hua cheng specifically insisted on coming and i know one of the characters involved ends up dying im wondering if thats now it would be a good time tbh if things get just a bit too unfortunate during this heavenly calamity... and the brothers are notably not having a harmonious time... also tho it feels very likely we’ll just have another Hualian Moment (tm)

In such a situation, Pei Ming still acted the same. In the evening, when they rescued a few fishermen girls, so scared their eyes were blurry from tears, he held them in his embrace and soothed them with a gentle voice; a true show of honeyed romance, affectionate and charming. - pei ming please get pickled again.

also its funny that hua cheng is just kinda hanging out and everyone else just has to deal with it

Looking down from above, the entire area was painted in a terrifying black. It was easy to see the collision between the two different-coloured currents. Their fierce battle was what formed this enormous whirlpool. As the eye swallowed the ship whole, the two currents of water separated. However, the battle was far from over. Like two venomous vipers, they continued to snap at each other. Each collision was followed by a mountain of angry waves. - this pretty dope ngl. also love our wind and earth masters just chilling on a shovel i dig it. hehe

Yet, other than discovering Hua Cheng had a fine body, there were no other finds. Xie Lian was at his wit’s end and started to worry. - okay see this one’s funny im just also irritated bc im like WE KNOW!!! WE GET IT HE’S HOT AND XIE LIAN THINKS HE’S HOT OKAY GOT IT

okay kiss #2 again its not the kisses themselves its xie lian’s reaction it just bothers me idk im not saying i need him to be super into it and completely unconflicted about it rn but he’s just so freaked out about it and idk i just dont really like it just feels weird i dont care for that aspect of it. also dude hua cheng is a ghost and he did this exact same thing for you before just chill. i wish instead of xie lian literally running away while screaming that hes sorry he was just like “oh haha youre fine thats cool im gonna go look around the woods i dont feel weird about this at all haha” like idk its kind of funny but when its literally our two romantic leads i just feel like its confusing like it kind of makes me feel like they shouldnt be together if one of them freaks out this much again considering the fact that they are both CENTURIES old. i know i know xie lian is an 800 year old virgin but. he hasn’t been like this about anything else so yeah idk like it still could have been awkward and funny i just dont think it needed to be so :/ that being said it was funny that xie lian was then internally like “oh i did it wrong? perhaps i should ask him for more.. instructions....” if that actually happens i might like it bc it would complete this little watery theme

Before he finished, he immediately remembered. Coffin wood. There were trees here everywhere; and a deceased? There was one right before his eyes. Sure enough, Hua Cheng smiled. “Won’t it be fine once I lie inside? - love that hua cheng just sat on the fact that he can turn anything into a coffin. that would have been really useful information earlier but no he just waited until everyone but xie lian was gone afjaklsdjf

also i do think that oblivious xie lian thinking “wow whoever it is that hua cheng fancies is an idiot for not liking him back theyre totally taking him for granted :/” is kind of funny and sweet. actually the whole conversation they have at the campfire is good and im bookmarking it to think about later

“...You on top and me on the bottom,” Xie Lian replied. “Isn’t top and bottom the same?” Hua Cheng asked. - okay im sorry but. mood whenever theres discourse about top/bottom dynamics for a ship im just like jesus christ i dont care. tbh i rarely read fanfiction if its just sexual and ngl if i see a fic specifically tag characters as top or bottom i wont read it lmfao. especially when people have really strong opinions about this stuff when theres nothing canonical to back it up like headcanon all you want but whenever i see people argue about it im just like no offense but go work out your own sexual issues and dynamics instead of arguing with strangers on the internet about who’s a top and who’s a bottom. sorry to be mean but just thats how i feel lol

this was mostly a ramble with a few excerpts but im getting sleepy im going to TRY to take a break from this for like a day but we’ll see how that goes i do very much want to know what happens. anyway if you read this whole thing hiiiiii sorry for subjecting you to my opinions on top/bottom discourse

[ladyalice101]

jonsa fic recs

alright, i’ve had a couple requests for recs, so here is my list. these are all fairly recent fics, all written this year i think. all of them are from my bookmarks on ao3, but i picked the recent ones which are my god-tier recs, my oh-my-god-i-love-this-so-much-i-think-i’m-going-to-die, the ones i reread. they have very little in common, but if you don’t find anything on here that tickles your fancy, then feel free to check out my bookmarks. i have just over 100 on there, and every single one on there are fics that i think are absolutely phenomenal.

for @abi117 @why-cant-i-be-careless and @orangeflavoryawp

canon divergent

Victory by moutainsbeyondmountains. one-shot, 5489k.

“You won already, Your Grace,” Tyrion said mournfully. “Enjoy your victory. There are no lands left to conquer. And there are no more dragons.”

if you read no other fic on this list, read this one. seriously. it’s d.ny pov, and glorious. genuinely, i couldn’t give this high enough praise. i reread this A LOT. like, a lot a lot. i could probably quote this fic.

I Want Something so Impure by @asilentfrenzy. one-shot, 10166k.

“You have caused this, you and your queen. You allowed her to speak to me that way, allowed her to order my obedience in my own home as if I’m to be her new dog to train. I am the Lady of Winterfell, and your inbred aunt has no right to-”

“Aye, you are the Lady of Winterfell,” he growled, his eyes flashing with an added flame of fury at the mention of the woman’s newly found relations to him. “The same Lady of Winterfell who not too long ago advised me to be smart, yet it seems that you can’t follow your own advice.”

“Be smart,” she repeated, filling her face with a look of mocking humor. “By kneeling? By allowing her to seize my title and command my people? Perhaps I should offer her these chambers as well. Better, I’ll just offer them to you again, seeing as I’m sure you’ll be sharing a bed. Shall I fuck her as well? As I want to be just as smart as you, Jon.”

so if you couldn’t tell from the summary, this one is sassy af. it features darkish/dominant!jon, which is my jam, and is pretty much just 10k of smut, which is also my jam.

it’s a small crime, and i’ve got no excuse by mxash. 5/5, 8214k.

“did you see her?” sansa snarled, a hand come to pull at his collar, pulling his mouth down only hairs from her own. “your targaryen queen has dressed as though she was a whore to catch your eye.” jon smirked as she bit his lip. what was this? dany had almost recoiled in her disgust and shock, but she hadn’t been able to pull herself away from the horrific sight. my lover and his own sister.

this one serves some dark!jonsa realness, and it deserves more comments/kudos. it is written entirely in lowercase, but don’t let that distract you. the characters are dark, and devoted, and who doesn’t love d.ny catching jon and sansa fucking? seriously, this one is a must-read.

Dark in Bloom by @orangeflavoryawp​. oneshot, 8304k.

"His gravity wavers, the axis of his world tilted to the measure of her lips." - Jon and Sansa. The stain of desire bleeds slowly between them.

yeah orange, i’m reccing one of your own fics to you. seriously though, this is just like ... mindblowing. i cannot overstate how much i love this one. i literally will just randomly remember it sometimes, when i’m just going about my daily business, and i’m like “shit, that fic by orange was a masterpiece. love it.” so, yeah, if that doesn’t tell you how much i love it, then idk what will.

what i’m asking by @amymel86​. oneshot, 1173k.

"I'm not here to talk about that," Theon says, setting off another, thankfully smaller coughing fit. "I'm here to talk about Sansa."

Jon can feel the blood drain from his face. "Is she ill?"

Theon shakes his head, lifting his eyes to Jon as he coughs into his fist. "No," he finally says, his lungs giving him a small reprieve. "The Queen is in her prime. Which is why you are needed."

okay, ya’ll obvi know of amy. she writes so much fantastic fic. but i feel like this one kind of flew under the radar? which is a CRIME tbh. this fic was so ... it was so heartbreaking, but in the best way. it’s not that divergent from canon, bc the main thing that is truly different is that theon lives. seriously love this fic.

A Toss of the Coin by Paige242. one-shot, 3793.

Years after the war, the Queen in the North and the pardoned Queenslayer welcome their first child. Old traits emerge, and Jon worries about this Dragon in a den of Wolves.

ok, so this is a future fic where jon and sansa married. i don’t even know how to describe this one. it isn’t jonsa focused, but that doesn’t make it any less brilliant. it is so unique, and i’m yet to read another fic that explores the idea of one of jonsa’s kids inheriting some targaryen madness. there IS a part two, which was just as amazing. pls do yourself a favour and read this!

Choose by @esther-dot​. oneshot, 5630k

“I know the cost of our loves. I know too well how they fall on the scale, one outweighing the other. I know what you tried to tell me. I know.” She was looking at him now, and he was afraid, but he would say the words that he had been unable to silence. “I never had the chance to choose you, but I would. I would choose you every time.”

THE DIALOGUE IN THIS IS INCREDIBLE. i just reread this to try and find my fave quote, but i actually can’t even pick. there are just so many amazing conversations, between sansa and jon, sansa and d.ny, arya and jon .. ugh, the list goes on. love this, please read.

Wink Wink, Nudge Nudge by alltheshinywords. one-shot, 3187k.

Post 8x03, slightly AU. Tormund and Jaime inexplicably find themselves becoming matchmakers when they notice a certain chemistry between Jon Snow and Sansa Stark. Extreme fluff and silliness.

this one is the least angsty on the list, and honestly it’s just such a good time. i remember reading this while s8 was airing, and honestly it was just so light hearted that i laughed out loud several times, despite being heartbroken over what happening in the show.

canon, but alternative universe

leave behind a love story by aetherae. one-shot, 9562k.

Maybe if things had been different, they wouldn't be like this. They would be worse.

ok, so, despite the summary, i naively went into this expecting a happy ending. yeah, so, no. however, this was one of the most interesting fics i’ve read in a while, because each universe it explored was so different to the ones i usually see floating around. and the writing was SUPERB.

i fell in love with a war (and nobody told me it ended) by mountainsbeyondmountains. one-shot, 18752k.

In which the North and the South have been at war for years, and Sansa unexpectedly finds herself on the run with a certain Targaryen bastard.

this is an avatar/bender au, and it is GLORIOUS. after i read this, i promptly devoured every other fic this author has written bc i loved it so much. the bending is just a backdrop to the amazing enemies-lovers this fic delivers.

modern au

Fuel and Fire by @zarahjoyce​. currently 4608k, 4/?, WIP.

"You see?" Sansa says, smiling now. "If you really have to have a room far away from me, seems like you need to move into a different hotel." As an afterthought she adds, "Or to another planet."

"Bet you'd just love that, wouldn't you?" Jon asks her.

"Loads," she snarls.

He takes a deep breath, all the while just looking at her.

Truth be told Jon will give anything in the world to be able to just-- just--

-

Jon and Sansa, and all the tropes applicable to them.

All. The. Tropes.

ok so zarah in general writes AMAZING fic, they’re always so creative and inventive and i’m always genuinely shook by the fic they write. but like, this one is the god tier one BC TROPES.

when we kiss: mmmm, fire by @dancemajicdance​. 8/8, 39705k.

Sansa might be seeing someone casually, but thanks to Arya, Robb, and Theon, it’s Jon who’s got the inside track on how to get Sansa to take him seriously.

aka: the one where jon finds out that sansa has a daddy kink, and he uses it to seduce her away from the dating scene and into his arms, heeeey-oh!

yes yes, it’s a daddy kink fic, and it’s fucking glorious alright. if that’s not your thing though (even though i’m pretty sure this fic is EVERYONE’S thing) then please, for the love of god, check out the rest of their stuff on ao3. you won’t regret it. even though they don’t write much jonsa anymore, the prolific contributions they HAVE made will go down in history as some of the best jonsa ever written imo.

As Long As We're Going Down by @alienor-woods​. 9/12, currently 42228k, WIP.

Four years after Stannis Baratheon wins the Battle of the Blackwater, Sansa Stark finds herself summoned back to King's Landing to serve as a bridesmaid at Crown Princess Shireen's wedding. When King Stannis tries to marry Sansa off to his illegitimate nephew, Edric, she thinks quick and tells him she's already married--

--to her bodyguard, Jon Snow.

i actually don’t know how to explain how much i love this. it’s written so beautifully, and it’s so realistic and just ugh. read it. the adaption to modern royalty is the best i’ve ever read, and the characters are very raw, and very realistic. (also, yes, the characters have gotten together at this point in the story, in case you were scared of committing to a wip without the satisfaction of some hot and heavy scenes).