#idk how to demand respect im just trying to do what im told

[beebopurr]

OK but Leo was probably stressed as fuck before the movie if we are being honest. Everyone's telling him he's supposed to be a leader but no one really sees him as one. I'm prob just projecting but it is so fucking hard to get anything done when if you're trying to lead you get ignored/argued with then when you give up and just try to do the job without leading you're being lazy

(This also isn't to say anything negative abt the other brothers im just saying it's how things can feel from somebody like Leo's perspective)

[hotsugarbyglassanimals]

this is untagged sorry

The hardest thing for me to grapple with post emotional abuse is coming to terms with how much of it was likely done on purpose, the fact that it WAS actually abuse, and how much it is affecting me years later cause ive never properly addressed it w/ real guidance.

I dont even know how to explain that it’s not even just a matter of like. oh i’m mad/sad this person treated me like shit it’s more like the way I was treated seeps into how I interact with people to this day! but if I like . talk about it i may have to deal w/ assholes who think i couldn’t get over a high school ex or something. god forbid they live through someone completely eroding their sense of self. I can’t even explain how that feels, but it made me suicidal. It felt like I’d only stop feeling like I belonged to her (not with her, TO her) if I were dead. (thankfully it went away). it’s not even about Her as a modern day person, but the construct of her that exists in the past. I never have nightmares where she looks how she actually looks nowadays, it’s only ever how she looked as a teen. When I get triggered because there’s someone who looks like her, it’s the same way. It’s the past version of her that haunts me.

Not to mention how warped my view of sexuality got. I became too eager to sexually please people, im lucky that im in a healthy relationship where im not exploited anymore. I started off associating affection heavily with performing sexual acts… My body doesn’t react to stimulus that used to turn me on. I have a time limit during sex until I’m just not able to continue, regardless of what happened. Idk if it was dysphoria before top surgery but anything involving my chest would make me tear up because of what she did to me. I bend down and pick things up in such a specific way because of how she used to see me as a sex object. She didn’t respect my dysphoria. She touched my chest through my binder or would stick her hands under it, because her pleasure was more important than my comfort.

I put up such a facade of stoicism and strength after breaking up with her because any hint of vulnerability with her had me treated as an inconvenience. I was such a confident and self assured person before I dated her, a defense mechanism for how much I was outcasted by others sure, but I didn’t let people try to get me down. But I slowly let her sand the edges off of me because I felt I would lose her if I didn’t. I was someone who wasn’t afraid of telling people when something was wrong or when I was bothered, but with her I accepted it. I felt resigned to it. She’d lash me into submission.

I always thought maybe she was like that cause she was just an emotionally immature teenager who didn’t know better. But I don’t think so anymore. She admitted to me that she was being demanding and cruel (“pestering”) because she wanted sexual pleasure from me but was so mad that I didn’t have time to invite her over. She lied to my face about respecting whatever decision I made irt leaving her out of my life or letting her back in… Only to guilt trip and try to manipulate me into letting her back in, not taking no for an answer until I told her to back off and blocked her. Most people with shit exes just complain about how much they sucked. I saw her when she was working once years later, froze in a panic, and ran away out of desperation. Her sending me a message to reconnect with me after we broke up while I was working through trauma sent a chill up my spine. that’s not normal.

I won’t ever know her train of thought when we dated. and she would never give me an honest account of that. she may not have calculatedly went “i’ll act like this to make them do that” but she expressed her feelings with the expectation that I’d change my behavior to please her, then lashed out when it didn’t work. I thought she just didn’t want us to argue when we disagreed with something… but getting your partner to shut up about a topic you disagree with them on, then essentially saying fuck you to them when they bring it up again later is… Bad. and I really do mean Shut Up. She’d tell me to drop a conversation at any sign of a disagreement, and I thought this was reasonable because we agreed we wouldn’t talk about religion (she was a christian at the time, i was an atheist and still am one) but it didn’t stop at that.

I have a difficult time processing all of it. I still have a hard time believing she acted the way she did as a conscious choice, especially because of our ages at the time (14-16). I don’t even really know what a reasonable expectation would be for someone to act at that age, because I don’t even remember what it was like. genuinely. When I look back at it all, it feels like there were a few years where someone else was in my body instead of me. I don’t quite remember my thought processes. I remember how I felt, I just don’t feel like my decisions were my own. Just a poor child who I watched go through all of that.

This way longer than I thought it was going to be and I don’t even feel like I scratched the surface of how I’m feeling right now. I just feel damaged and it has nothing to do with her, who she is as a person, right now and more to do with the fact that I feel like a plate that was thrown at a wall, shattered, and somewhat glued back together. I have cracks all over me and it’d be ridiculous to act like I don’t. I’m not a “broken” person per say but I’ve been changed

[yourflxnnelcure]

its me it's cam im asking not so anonymously that you do how last Legacy characters would react to an ace mc bc. i crave validation or something idk

the way i sprinted to do this for u (also ur so funny bye u could’ve texted me🙄‼️)

Felix:

he’s so respectful it makes me want to vomit honestly

so careful with your boundaries ,,, kissing? great! you don’t wanna do that? thats great too!

is such a big fan of cuddles honestly ,, will happily lay in bed and cuddle with you forever or read to you while you play with his hair

he’s def the most educated when it comes to this sort of thing (i like to hc that he’s on the ace spectrum but that is a discussion for another time)

has lengthy convos with you about what you’re comfortable with and makes sure to check before doing literally anything because we demand consent in every aspect in this house

finds every book he can about asexuality because research makes him comfortable and confident and he dosent want to say anything that could upset you

felix can embroider because i say so ,, when you explain pride flags to him mans goes wacky and embroiders little ace flags into your sweater cuffs

Sage:

he’s a little confused but he’s got the right spirit ‼️

is also very careful with your boundaries ,, he’s terrified he’s gonna misunderstand or mess something up

despite him being a sexual person he’s fine in a relationship with no sexual aspect,, he’s content to curl up by the fireplace with you and have you braid his hair while he purrs happily

he dosent really understand when you first tell him because he’s never met someone who’s ace before (he probably has but yknow ,, no one’s ever explicitly told him so)

but he asks Felix about it and tries to figure out from you and your own experience how to best approach things

the minute someone makes a sexual comment about you he gets all pissy and angry even if you’re like dude ,, calm down im fine he’s just 😡💪no

truly a dumb hunk man who has no thoughts behind his eyes but loves his partner no matter what

Anisa:

she is an educated icon ,, she probably already sorta knew before you told her but was still super supportive and accepting when you did

she’s very affectionate but in only ways you’re comfortable with,, is a big fan of holding hands and cheek kisses

she’s def the most nonchalant about it

takes to it really quickly tbh ,, like it barely phases her she’s just oh? That’s cool! ok sounds good!

also very protective like sage ,, anyone says anything ? she is buff and will punch them even though she’s normally composed

if you ever express that you feel bad or like you’re disappointing her she holds you and tells you she dosent need that sorta thing to be happy and she adores you and your guys’ relationship

honestly not a whole lot to say for her because she’s perfect tbh ,, never done anything wrong in her life my angel

Rime:

he’s the most like ,, ⁉️ about it

he’s never taken the time to educate himself about this sorta thing because it’s never really came up

he dosent really get what you’re telling him at first but still does his best to be supportive in the moment

he def runs off to Felix confused because wtf does this mean ?? and Felix helps him get it together and learn about it

he apologizes later for not being the best he could be when he reacted and explains he was just confused and he obvi dosent mind that you aren’t interested in sexual stuff

it takes him a bit to get used to it but he’s very supportive even when he puts his foot in his mouth

asks about literally every little thing ,, like he’s just is holding ur hand ok or ?? and ur just 🤨yes Rime that is fine thank you

truly just a bastard man trying his best

[yakocchi]

Becoming a Family With Him, Part 3 // Shuichi, Hikaru, Rhion, Luke, Eisuke

so this came out, as further celebration for the anni. VERY GOOD, much more appreciated than the prior story set lol that one was kind of boring but i get it

they made the kids for all the... kid-less ones, and the eisuke one that used to be VIP-exclusive is now here for everyone to buy (rip those ppl who gacha for it)

my rambling behind the cut (spoilers!!)

shuichi // as ud expect, shuichi has a literal hime ass looking girl (kikyo) for a daughter. she’s only 6, but is pretty calm and ladylike. She even calls her parents with –sama so... ok luckily shuichi does not strip down all the way in the presence of her daughter and only takes off his suit coat. thanks dad

anyway since shuichi has a break coming up, he wants to have a family trip how nice. but then the dang girl wants to go over to see eisuke WHAT when soryu exists and lives a block away? unrelatable, im closing the app anyway eisuke is her first love, which wtf he’s like 20 yrs older than u. even worse, mc says she’s been in love since she was like 3.

shuichi is reconsidering the benefits of democracy in his mind but eventually relents. but then they’re still following the fucc-days rule they set years ago. well, as he says in the story, RULES ARE RULES

blah blah i don’t want to go over everything bc then it’ll be boring reading the story when it comes out in engl right? also im tired bc it’s 1 am and i just want to play toontown in bed but nothing really bad happens. they are a v cute family bc shuichi is a pleasant and mature dad. kikyo and mc even do a little surprise for him at the end and it is very sweet. i feel like out of all the families, this is the most ideal

mad hatter // so they have twin sons named Rui and Kai. Rui is the childlike one that resembles Rhion in personality, Kai is the more mature one that resembles Al. man i forget that boy’s name but u get me i know they only can use stock bgs but it’s killing me that these dang kids get to sleep in what looks like separate king sized beds.

even though rhion is now a father of two, he still acts like... 10. i mean he still horni but it makes me feel weird

later it’s revealed that Ota teaches them both as an art tutor bc they both showed an interest in art. this is cute bc ota is bad with kids in this universe LOL

the ending on this one was weird cuz the kids didn’t show up in the entirety of the last ep bc it was about WORK. so uh... interesting

hikaru // so their son is named akari. haha get it because it means light. like how hikaru also means light. can mc name her kids unrelated to their father or is that against the Geneva convention

this kid actually acts like an actual little boy. like what hikaru would’ve probably turned into if not for the whole sad backstory. the story starts with akari just bringing a dog randomly home one day. he actually saved the dog (it is very cute bc he did not want the dog to cry), and then after a talk they decide to keep the dog as long as akari knows the responsibility of taking care of an animal.

so next day, the bidders come over to their house and everyone’s like woaw a dog. lol they come into their house as guests and eisuke and mamo still demand for beverages, they all suck

akari names the dog... “Light” (Raito) and i want out of this nightmare. Naturally bc Light is an abandoned dog it’s still kind of bad with interacting with things. But then Light suddenly be giving the ( ╹ਊ╹) to soryu bc remember, animals love him. everyone clowns on soryu for being an unintentional dog whisperer and then akari is like “soryu san pls make me ur apprentice” and he gives some advice like approaching it slowly, and talking to it from the front instead of back.

blah blah there’s a situation where Light goes YEET after a Doberman gets all angry and then hides bc then another dog is scaring it. hikaru swoops in to the save the day as the Real Dog Whisperer. ok it’s cute when hikaru actually gets to look cool  for once LOL

luke // luke is cute on the bc “pre-story” scene he’s actually pretty open to the idea of having kids; he actually goes “well imo we should think abt it pretty soon, but i wanted to hear ur opinion on it” but then he gets horni. and then he’s like “our kids are going to have your collarbones. awesomeee im looking forward to that” ....ok

ok cut to the actual story and they’re in Japan. Luke’s kid looks... strange versus the others. why are his eyes so big? omg voltage his eyes arent going to be saucers just cuz he half white also the kid’s name is Yuri (Or Urey). They couldn’t think of any other Brit-styled names? Like Harry? Henry? William? Wilfred? hey stan be my princess btw he’s pretty cute, though he gives serious “timid kid that gets bullied in the children’s movie” vibes. He calls Luke “daddy” and mc “mammy/mommy”.

so luke talks about his relationship w/ soryu and eisuke and then yuri is like “i want friends like that” wow cute but also find less ethically-complicated friends

so luke lets yuri meet a young patient of his (haru) so they can be friends. they get along so it’s good. haru gets in critical condition later so luke zooms outta there to do the operation.

LOL but at the end yuri is like, “i want to make more friends. (...) can i go to the bidder’s room from now on?” this boy works fast

And then he’s like “Eisuke-san... please be my friend.” HIS POWER. even eisuke was like :O so then eisuke orders a whole bunch of food and books up to the penthouse. But then yuri’s like “...i like eisuke’s eyes” and everyone’s like oh man that’s gonna be his fetish

Baba: why have u started to have an interest in eyes Yuri: I read it from one of daddy’s medical books Hikaru: wtf u can read that at 4??? (...) Soryu: wat Yuri: um... i want soryu to be my friend too Yuri: bc soryu’s eyes are also powerfully cool...

eisuke // ok this gets an extended ramble bc the more annoying the story the longer i must complain

so you might be thinking, “oh so this is gonna be a flashback in some in media res styled story with your 2 kids, u know in the style of the others” and well, no you just go straight to white screen into the flashback, back when eito was smaller and thus a little more cute. well it’s not really false advertising bc they did say “reminisce” in the description. but i wanted to see eito be a good big brother for a moment! or... less good? man i wanted to see kaito go waaaah like a baby idk i wanted to see him exist

so back to the story they cut to small eito. even as a smaller punk he does fight with his dad a little, just w/ a more narrow vocabulary to work with. tho at this point he’s still pretty sweet so clearly eisuke clowning him day and night was a negative effect on his development. (doesn’t treat his child like a child) (child grows up to a punk that doesn’t respect him) (surprised pikachu) being the son of a billionaire means that this child has to go study at a very young age and listen to MOZART. no child of eisuke ichinomiya will be listening to degenerate bops like lee taemin’s criminal next day they all go to the very fancy school that eito will be attending. eisuke does a speech, but then eito is all like “why is papa over there all the time” in reference to how all the other parents in attendance are having fun with their children, but eisuke is busy talking to other people for business and connections etc. etc. mc kind of has a hard time trying to explain it to eito bc... it’s honestly poor parenting... eiji shows up after arriving late, and he’s like “gramps is gonna be with ya today! instead of papa” which is cute but then she’s like psst thanks for coming and im like oh... so grandpa just didn’t randomly come to the open house for fun he’s just gonna be surrogate dad while real dad is busy... aw... and then at the end eito’s like FUC THIS KINDERGARTEN. eisuke is like “(smh) don’t yell in public. (despite everything) you are still the eldest son of the Ichinomiya family”

and so afterwards it’s clear that eito does not want anything to do with this school. he just sits in the classroom until mc is there to pick him up instead of playing in the courtyard or w/e, wanting nothing to do with the other kids.

so later there’s a hiking trip for the students and both of their parents, and mc asks eisuke if he’ll be available for it. eisuke is like, “i have a business trip that day, so I’ll have to adjust my schedule” and he’s been very busy in the opening of a new business or w/e. mc tells him to not do so much for something like that and that it’s ok if she goes alone with eito on the trip.

it’s the day of the trip, and mc goes alone with eito. she notes that a lot of dads did indeed come along for the trip. she apologizes to eito and says that she did talk to eisuke about the trip before, but he’s simply busy for this day. and im like... but girl, you were the one who told him not to change his schedule for the trip. yes a trip may seem less important than business ventures, but don’t make it sound like you weren’t the one who stopped him. lol. idk why im pressed abt this single line of dialogue bc later she does realize she fucced up there well eito is just like w/e about it and has pretty much accepted that sort of thing

anyway eito goes missing later and one of the kids said that he told eito that his dad (eisuke) didn’t come bc his dad thinks that his work is more important than his son. so eito got mad and ran off somewhere

and then mc finally gets the lightbulb moment that eito... wants to see his dad!! he ran off to go try to see him somehow??? !! wow so sweet

it’s raining like a mf but then in her search for eito eisuke randomly pops out of nowhere. He’s like “ho i did not remember saying that i wasn’t coming” and she’s like “im sorrryyy” and both me and him are like “just find the dang kid”

ok yea they find eito, he starts being a good student, and u start to see where he starts being antagonistic towards his dad LOL etc. etc. lol this story annoyed me so i don’t feel like doing the rest of the play by play orz

anyway thanks for reading my garbage LOL

[princeanxious]

Trust is a Fragile, Fickle Demon.

Pairing: Analogical

Fandom: Sanders sides

Warnings: hurt/comfort, happy ending, mentions of childhood trauma, mentions of mental abuse, mentions of abusive parent, mentioned of past betrayed trust, trust issues, let me know if i missed anything!

Wordcount: 1.9k words

(A/n): this is sort of a short one, idk that im very proud of it, its written a little differently than I normally write so let me know if ya’ll like it? I tried!

Trust was something earned, gained, given, not expected. At least, to Logan, thats how it’d always been. The omega had learned young the mistake of trusting anyone so readily, a freely given token of connection that only served to hurt him in the long run.

Even now, Logan was aware his upbringing had been slightly rougher than his common peers. His therapists all readily, or subtly, pointed out that his alcoholic alpha of a single father who never should have been a parent to begin with was undoubtedly the root cause of many of his issues.

First of all of them was the lasting trauma of the emotional abuse he’d endured as a child and teenager. Never smart enough, never quiet enough, never clean enough. He was never enough, he was never going to be enough. He was a weak, broken, and useless omega in his father's eyes, and would never amount to anything more. And while he never wanted to believe it, often said he never believed any of it, he could only confidently say he didn’t truly believe even just part of it by the time he was 23.

Another was that he’d never been given any freedom to do as he pleased when he was younger. He never got to visit friends or do anything more fun than read at the library(and boy did he read any chance that he got back then). His first real social outing was when Roman, his then longtime college roommate and current best friend, had playfully offered for him to come join him to go buy icecream at midnight. But, that story is better saved for a different time.

All you need to know is that, that midnight ice cream became a bi-weekly routine, and the other omega learned more about Logan than he thought he’d ever get out of the closed off nerd that night. Perhaps one could even go so far to say that Roman was the reason Logan ever even dared to go to a therapist in the first place.

Logan had become very stunted from the childhood neglect he’d endured. Omegas had many self-soothing mannerisms built into their primal instincts to comfort themselves when stressed, like purring when upset(was well as when happy or content!) and nesting to decompress or hide in a safe zone when stressed. And well, Logan had pretty much stifled his purring by the time he was 14, and.. Completely stopped nesting by the time he was 9.

There had been no point, and both had become increasingly dangerous to do as he grew older. Anytime his father caught him purring, the Alpha would berate him for being ungrateful, seeing it as a weakness. And no matter how well he’d try to hide his safety nests, his father would inevitably find them and destroy them. Far too many afternoons were ruined when he came home to find his father in a drunken stupor and his newest safe haven wrecked beyond repair, and stinking to high heaven of alcohol and aggressive, angry alpha pheromones.

So he gave up. He gave up trying to make the nests in hopes for comfort, in hopes for a safe haven to hide away. The longest he’d gotten was hiding away in his closet for periods of a time before his father decided it didn’t deserve a closeable door anymore.

Roman had been horrified, and promptly dragged the other omega into his own nest in distress. They spent hours like that, Logan sobbing and tucked up tenderly into Roman’s protective embrace as the omega purred and crooned comfortingly enough for the both of them.

It would be Roman to encourage Logan to begin nesting again. They’d made a whole day out of it, going out and buying brand new nesting materials along with comfort food and rented movies. Slowly but surely, Logan rebuilt his nest for the first time in a little over 10 years, and he was in heaven. And day by day, every time he came home to it intact and undisturbed, Logan’s psyche was assured just a little more that the nest was safe, that he was finally safe.

And no one could really be surprised that Logan became viscerally protective of his nest, even more so than the average omega, at that. The first time they realized this, one of their mutual friends, a beta named Patton, had suddenly come close to his nest in excitement over the new addition. Logan had snarled loudly and aggressively before he’d even processed moving to guard his nest from the approaching threat. When Patton had taken multiple careful steps back in shock, Logan finally snapped out of the defensive mindset and realized what had happened. He’d apologized profusely, and was quick to try and make amends.

Patton understood the justified reaction after some light explanation and waved off the apologies immediately. Logan, though mortified at his own surprising lapse in control, was grateful that there had at least been no hard feelings in the end.

Safe to say, their friend group and subsequently any new friends made in the future would be warned, “Don’t approach, or touch, Logan’s nest.” And it was fine. Things were even looking up, Logan had started truly healing, and trusting people started to become a little less difficult!

So it would really come as a surprise to everyone, let alone Logan himself, when he started developing a small crush on the kind and patient(if a little anxious) Alpha who nearly daily visited the library Lo worked at to study. It was an honest shock, but, perhaps it wasn’t the worst thing in the world..?

Logan had never seriously considered dating another until Virgil came around, and the prospect of dating an alpha was frankly terrifying. But, Virgil was nice, he was caring and gentle with him, and yet unwaveringly respectful. He’d listen to Logan ramble about stars for hours and never interrupt him, only asking questions when Logan’s voice lulled or allowed him to speak. Virgil encouraged this, wanting Logan to open up and ramble and talk without fear of being shut down.

Roman had told Logan it was obvious Virgil was crushing hard on Logan, that they both had it bad for one another it seemed. Of course, nothing had to come of it if Logan didn’t want it to! But the thing was, he did. He did want something to come of it, if at the very least they could just remain friends.

It took a few more months, but Virgil eventually worked up enough confidence to ask Logan out, and the unwavering, almost immediate ‘Yes,’ had almost taken Virgil off guard. They wouldn’t share their first kiss for another few weeks, but neither of them minded.

Virgil slowly but surely was given the whole story, and expressed his own quiet outrage in the form of promising to never let that happen again, nor let Logan’s father near him again. It was a protective sentiment that almost scared Logan, but the protectiveness was born out of love and compassion, not selfishness and hate. So he let it slide, and contently tucked himself into Virgil’s warm embrace with a soft “thank you,” and the first very soft but very happy purr that he’d let out in years.

This alpha, he’d find him telling himself a year and a half into their relationship, this alpha was the one that would be allowed into his nest.

It didn’t bother Virgil personally, that he wasn’t allowed into his omega’s nest. No one was allowed near the nest except him, and even then he still got growled at plenty. He was completely aware that Logan had a deep instinctual fear of the destruction of his nest, sewn by the only parent he’d had growing up doing just that out of malice. Logan had made strides in his journey of healing though. The omega was confident in himself, and refused to be pushed aside or spoken over. Logan was highly independent, even during his heats, which made Virgil feel all the more love for him to be let into his omegas life.

Logan wasn’t dependent on him like society demanded he be, and Virgil didn’t mind in the slightest, because he knew Logan. He loved this omega and knew said omega loved him back. That was all that mattered to either of them.

It took another half a year before Logan finally tried breaking down some of his protective walls over his nest. He was tired, so tired of the separation. Having Virgil's scent heavily entwined with objects in his nest wasn’t enough anymore. At two years into their relationship, Logan’s instincts didn't feel the need to growl at Virgil for being near his nest anymore. He wanted Virgil in his nest, and that thought was jarring to realize.

And when he’d brought it up, Virgil had been quick to assure him that he didn’t have to force himself to let Virgil in, that Logan’s safe space was sacred and he never wanted Logan to feel pressured by anything to let him in.

Perhaps Logan kissed him soundly after that, and was reminded just how much he really loved Virgil. Virgil's insistence for Logan's comfort coming first only made him want to pull his alpha into his nest that much more.

But still, he agreed to take it slowly. Every day, Virgil would scoot a little closer to the edge of the nest, would hold Logan’s hand and stroke his hair, even sometimes daring to slowly lean over and kiss him with prior warning.

It took a full week to really prove to Virgil during their progress that they were ready to take this next step, that Logan truly and fully trusted Virgil and wanted him in his nest.

And when it finally happened, they’d made a little date out of the occasion, setting up snacks and candy, ordering take out and lining up a few documentaries to watch on Virgil’s laptop, getting into their nightclothes.

Virgil had been beyond nervous, and Logan understood why. They managed to soothe each other as everything fell into place, and Logan carefully walked Virgil step by step into his nest. With careful movements, they sat down and Virgil let himself be carefully arranged as he was leaned back into the nest. It took a second for Logan to finish tucking things against Virgil and pull a weighted comforter over them before he finally settled himself onto Virgil’s chest.

Despite their original nervousness towards the idea, everything felt right, now. Logan felt so unbelievably safe now that he was tucked into his alpha’s arms within the cocoon of his nest. It was amazing in its own right. And it takes Virgil chuckling lovingly for Logan to notice just how content they both are.

“You’re purring like crazy, L,” he murmurs with a smile, running his fingers up and down Logan’s rumbling back, “If you’re not careful you might fall asleep before we even get through the first documentary.” Logan just grins back, tilting his head to peck Virgil on the cheek.

“I see no downside to that, V, considering I’ll be falling asleep in my alpha’s safe embrace. What more could I ever want?”

Virgil flusters and hides his face in Logan’s hair as the omega laughs, hugging the other closer. Logan eventually does fall asleep in the middle of the second documentary, cuddled close and relaxed.

And really, there was no other place Logan would rather be.

[cheerfulimp]

Cursed....characters

ok no I wont wait days...and I will talk about characters, I’m not gonna compare it with the book I haven’t read. Just what I saw

Arthur 

I didn’t like the Arthur at all....like at all...I’m not judging him being in a band, he was abounded kid, and stuff, didn’t know what to do blalal...but come on like he STOLE the Sword, and then after Nimue went after him and demanded the Sword back...he was like “hey nothing really mattered, just a sword sis chill,  why are you talking with me like that and stuff..pff...why are so rude to me, why why”...aagghhh...and after, through the series, I can’t explain it, aghhh I hope there will be a NEAT character development for him...I really hope...how do they even fell in love?

Green Knight aka Gawain

Boi my boi....such a perfect character, again I hope to see his character development. Because heeere what I didn’t liked at all. He told us a story about his close friend being killed in front of him blalal, and it was tough yet the right decision, to let him die. AND THEN we have windmill scene, where another yet fairy is tortured in front of him, they demand him to come and fight, BUT hey oh my lovely Gawain whom I really love, this time you’re not alone, it’s not only about your life, there were kids, and honestly you didn’t even know that fairy, so the reaction you gave was really stupid. Yeah Yeah we all can agree that that fairy life really mattered, plus he remembered his friend’s death etc., but come on we all know  he saw/witnessed/went through that same things after many times. And sure that stupid behavior of this only was written in order for ARTHUR to kill himself that poor fairy, so Gawain would not kill his own-kind, though he knew it was the only logical move. Come on people, we saw/ read plenty of movies/books with similar situations.

Nimue

I love the actress. Her character is not set well yet. She was not really practicing with her powers during her childhood, neither she can really fight. Idk we need more I hope we will get more. I’m not talking about her sometimes crazy behavior under the RING’s influence , sorry SWORD’s...this LOTR RING and CURSED SWORD have SAME ENERGY honestly =D However I must say something. The scene where Dof died, let’s be honest she didn’t even really tried helping, like “man i’m so tired after all that and stuff, i might not be helpful blala...sorryy my best friend since childhood...welp he’s dead sorryyyy” and immediately when the other viking dude announced that now they with  Red Spear are allies, she immediately had that smile on her face, like good good thanks!! Sure in that time of trouble it’s good to have someone on your side, But I mean let’s be honest she didn’t even tried hard enough to save that man. And we all remember that on the other hand she really tried  hard to save dead Gawain. Double standards? like IDk who is this man so nope im tired, GAWAIN my childhood ( i feel he was a crush) i will try to undead you. Remember Vinny? yeah had that vibes

Merlin 

How can you hate Floki?Sure Floki killed Edelstein, but it was in the past. And his Flokiness was coming out in Merlin. Nah really good character....we need more of him agaaain to understand him, well ok not understand  rather than  justify his actions. True there’s a lot went between him fairy people and human (not mentioning shadows, creatures and other dimensions ) during his loooong lifetime. Man can have depression and anxiety. IDK we saw lot’s of characters that live long life and vie life differently idk idk. He tried at least saving his own daughter, that is a start I guess, and now his powers are back, who know what craziness awaits us.  ALSO NOW he has no connection with humans, neither with shadows, and fairies, he is all by himself. This can lead to something interesting? morality? He will train Morgana? who knows? he still have fairy fire or smth .I was not going to talk about him honestly. I love Floki

MORGANA 

Before knowing who is she. I hated her, cause for no reason she slapped Nimue..like dude wtf she just woke up she don’t know where is she, who are you and who was that future bitch little nun sitting in front of her. WHY SLAP?? ANd then we found out her love towards Fairies, and i loved her. then we heard her version of letter she said her fav part, that was “ damn i feel we gonna see it in the future”. Plus How did she killed  the Widow?? spider? sword? Graphics  were weirdish. And with all due respect, you left the “one you really loved that hard” in the monastery, and then “I will do shady things to return to you..more like dead version of you”. We all know this is not her but the spider, and Morgana is supposedly  smart, why is she not considering that option? blinded by pain and love? naah...this is ridicules, but heey she is not fully doing shady things so far she returned to Nimue, idk how becoming a Widow on the way...maybe this is some king of time paradox type things...anywaay let’s seee...SHE IS THE MORGANA PEOPLE>>>SHE MUST BE BAD ASSISH

Percival=PERFECTION nothing to add. He’s gonna be trained by best out of bests!!!

Weeping Monk? Lancelot!! He did nothing wrong! And in this fandom we love him!

When I first saw him, I was like ok ok i know your backstory. Definitely fairy raised killing machine. For a little brief moment in the very beginning i though he might be Mordred (first two episodes), but then we had Gawain, so i was like “ okaay I see some epic Lancelot revel coming soon”, cause the whole squad is here already.You can’t have Arthur, Gawain, Morgana,Nimue,Perci,Merlin, but magically bring Lance in the end or somewhere in the middle of seasons. Have you noticed that “Weeping Monk fighting against Trinity Guards had the SAME energy of Ben Solo fighting  agains Knights of Ren” ?I will go down with this character...perfection...

Red Spear 

Is she Guinevere ? Maybe i forgot some knight with a spear..Sir Balin? he was not part of round....but idk this book i haven’t read, so why not he was one of the Savagest one...I ship my/this theory

[uzuitengensfourthwife]

Again. (Chrollo x Reader)

A scenario in which you forgive him... again.

warnings: none really, its just a tiny tiny bit angst

word count: 2848

authors note: well... idk.. I felt kinda okay writing this? Still Im sorry if its sloppy or shitty to you

He was gone for a year now, a whole damn year without telling anyone, not even you. One day he was calling you and not letting go of you and the next day he is gone. He left without leaving any trace, it was like he has never existed. Even when you tried to contact the authorities, he seemed to not exist. At first, you cried and sobbed and didn’t move an inch. In fact, you were a depressed little piece of shit, for a total of 3 long months. But after some time, your sadness turned into anger and therefore you promised to beat the crap out of him once he turns up in front of your door again. You wanted to make sure, that once he enters this very apartment, that a fucking shoe would hit his face. No roses, no necklaces and no chocolates could make up for his disappearance and you had to make sure not to fall for his lovey-dovey talk about how sorry he was. This time, oh this time his little game wouldn’t work on you.

And you had to admit, you weren’t really sure when he would appear again, but you were already mentally preparing yourself to yell at him.

And yet, at the same time your thoughts showed that no matter what would happen, you missed him a lot. Gosh, you weren’t even sure if you were able to keep up that act once he’s in front of you. Will you be able to be mad at him? Or will you cry like a child, that has been deprived of their lollies? You weren’t sure, in fact everything could happen.

Then suddenly, your doorbell rang. You turned around, a bit confused, you had to say.  It was late after all, probably 11 PM and you were sitting here and working still. For a short moment, you hoped that it would be your lover, however there was no certain prove that would support your assumption. You assumed that it would be one of your neighbours, so you answered quickly. ,,Coming!’’

You got up hastily, making your way to the door, just to unlock it with your keys and then opening it. But once you finally looked at who was standing in front of you, you couldn’t bring out a word. You were standing there, in a trance. Here he was. He was back. Finally, he was back.

,,Darling.’’ The man in front of you greeted, a bouquet of flowers in his right hand and a little box in the other. He spread his arms a bit more just to gesture that he was waiting for a hug. But you didn’t move, not even an inch. ,,Chrollo…’’ you whispered, your voice so quiet and shaky, probably from the shock, the sudden surprise. The sight suddenly seemed to get blurry, indicating your eyes that started to get all wet and watery. ,,No need to cry darling, I’m back.’’ A smile appeared on his face as he stepped closer, still holding the flowers and the little present.

But your sudden sadness then turned into anger. He DARED to show up in THE MIDDLE of the night, just like that. You were about to lose it.  In fact, you were about to punch him right on his nose, because that’s what he deserves. Punches and pain. ,,You..’’ you hissed, stepping closer and pointing at him with your finger. His expression changed in no time and confusion was plastered all over his face. ,,You left me, without telling me. You left no traces, you disappeared. YOU made me feel like shit. Do you REALLY think that flowers and some necklace you stole are going to make up for it? Go to fucking hell.’’

After this little threatening speech of yours, it should’ve made him feel guilty, it was supposed to scare him off. To make him cry. To make him SEE what HE did wrong.

But all you got as a reaction was him laughing at you like you’ve just told some funny joke. He didn’t take you seriously. God, he never did.

So you frowned, you really wanted to scold him again, however he seemed to be faster. ,, Darling,’’ He said, slowly leaning forward, an amused expression on his face. ,,Yes, I didn’t tell you and yes I did disappear, however I have missed you a lot.’’ He smiled oh so dearly, as he then fully stepped into your apartment, giving you the flowers and the little present.

,,I wasn’t finished-‘’ you started, but he ignored you as he examined your apartment, looking for any changes. Seriously, he was unbearable. ,,You didn’t change much here, still into the same stuff.’’ He stated, without even looking at you, he was still busy with strolling through your apartment. As if there was some kind of hidden treasure in your apartment.

,,Are you still keeping my books?’’ he then asked as he opened a few of your drawers to see if his collection of books were inside of them and god did you want to slap him for leaving such a mess after only returning. He had no respect for you, no that wasn’t it, he just loved to see you all riled up, he found it quite attractive. ,,Quit acting stupid Chrollo, you know where they are.’’ You said through gritted teeth, trying not to give him the satisfaction of your angered behaviour. Gosh did you hate him at some point.

,,Excellent.’’ He exclaimed with a subtle smile, as he then slowly opened the cupboard right next to the TV. His smile only grew bigger as he then quickly grabbed one of the new books you have gotten him last year, but he never got to read them, since he then suddenly disappeared. ,,I couldn’t wait to finally read all of them.’’ - ,,If you would’ve stayed-‘’ you started, only then to get shushed by him, as he stepped awfully close to you. He looked down at you, his smile faded. ,,Darling, I was working and you know how important my work is.’’ Scoffing, you turned away your head, as you answered. ,,You’re a criminal Chrollo. Instead of stealing you could do better things, you could do stuff that is less illegal. For instance, teaching literature.’’

,,Dearest,’’ you glanced at him, not sure what he was about to say. ,,You’re just mad that I’ve been gone for so long. I promise, I’ll tell you next time.’’  He then brushed a strand of your hair behind your ear, softly smiling at you. God, he really was giving you a hard time to be mad at him. But at some point, even you got tired of his promises, of his so called ‘great’ promises, that were nothing but empty promises in the end. The more you tried to believe him, the harder it actually got. You sighed, as you then stepped away, leaving some space between the two of you. ,,That’s exactly the problem. Your empty promises.’’

There was silence, no one talked.

Chrollo was usually a man that respected you and your intentions, he tried to understand you. But this time you could see in his face, that he did not understand you. In fact, you weren’t really able to guess what was going on in his mind, no emotion leaked through his shell. Suddenly, fear hit you. What if he’ll get mad, although you were pretty sure it wouldn’t happen, after all Chrollo never got mad. Not even at you. ,,If my promises were empty, I wouldn’t be right here in front of you.’’ Every other girl would’ve forgotten the fight after his sweet words, but you understood what he really was trying to say. He could drop you at any time, once he’s bored, he could disappear, nothing was really holding him back. Therefore you wouldn’t even know if he’d return after some time or not, you would live in constant fear.

You gulped down your fear and looked at him only to see that his back was facing you, he was looking at a picture of your family. ,,The necklace,’’ he then said, his voice sweet again. ,,You should try it on.’’ You really didn’t want to give in, you were supposed to still be mad at him. Yell at him and throw things at him, just… just were was your anger? What was wrong with you? He did this all the time, was your anger not enough to withstand him? No, IT HAD to be enough. He’s been doing this for five long years now, you really should be able to tell him off.

,,I’ve told you. A stolen necklace won’t make up for it.’’ He turned around, raising an eyebrow at you. You were already preparing yourself to sound as mad as possible, when he suddenly stepped closer and opened his arms. ,,Is a hug what you want? You could’ve just asked dearest.’’ But you weren’t moving. He really made things hard for you. Yes, you did want to hug him at some point since you’ve missed him a lot, but he was giving in way too easily.

After some time, in which you didn’t move, he embraced you in a tight hug, his chin resting on top of your head. The warmth he gave off was soothing, making you feel safe. You didn’t realize how much you’ve missed him until now. ,,Don’t cry darling.’’ He suddenly whispered in your ear, his arms tightening around you, his lips on your forehead. You slowly touched your face and then realized that he wasn’t joking. You were crying in his arms. Pathetic, you thought. You should’ve been mad at him; you should’ve kicked him out. But here you were, crying in his arms for god knows what reason.

The two of you stayed in this position for a while, when he suddenly let go of you, making you look up to him. His eyes were fixed on you, a sweet and kind smile on his lips as he then softly kissed your wet cheeks. ,,Even while crying, you don’t fail to look amazingly beautiful.’’ No no no no, he was doing it again. Complimenting you until you’d apologize for yelling at him, for even doubting his actions. ,,Stop…stop it,’’ You demanded, backing off a bit. ,,You’re always doing this after you come back. You’re always sending me on a guilt trip, when it actually is your fault, not mine.’’ It was hard to read him, but you did realize that he now understood. This time, fooling you was no option.

He sighed and slumped onto a chair that was standing right next to your dining table. ,,Darling,’’ he started as he slowly leaned back. ,,Let’s talk this out tomorrow. I am quite tired, and I bet you are too after all you’ve been working all day.’’ You shook your head, as you then replied. ,, No, let’s talk this out now.’’.

He didn’t answer for a while, he just watched you and tried to see if you wouldn’t change your mind and go to bed with him like a normal couple would. You were sure that he hoped you would change your mind, so you would eventually forget that you were mad at him to begin with.

And of course you didn’t, you had to talk to him, you had to tell him how you’ve felt over these past few years in which he has appeared and disappeared. You just had to fight against the feeling that told you to stop fighting him, you had to be strong in order to achieve at least a tiny bit of change. ,,Okay then. What is it you want to talk about, darling?’’ he probed, sitting up straight and crossing his arms in front of his chest. You took a deep breath as you then began to explain. ,,You hurt me a lot,’’ shortly, you stopped, waiting for a  reaction. However, you continued after a few seconds of silence. ,,You always had me crying when you just disappeared without even leaving a message. And then after months, you just appear again, acting like you’ve never even been gone in the first place.’’ You saw him nodding, showing you that he tried to understand the situation from your point of view. He tried, that didn’t mean he really did understand.

He didn’t answer you for a good while, and in the time, he just observed you in silence, you felt your anxiety giving you a hard time again. It wasn’t like you feared him or anything, it was more of… him having you under complete control. You loved him a lot, and yet you didn’t want him to leave you, despite the little time you have actually spent with him, it felt like you have made the best memories with him, the most valuable. From all the guys you have dated before, it felt like he was the one, you saw yourself with him growing older. Yes, you saw yourself marrying this man, so you thought this was why you couldn’t let go. But still, his unannounced disappearances were still unacceptable.

,,My job brings it’s prices. Unfortunately, this is one of them. I am trying to be with you as often as I can. And for making you cry… that I am sorry for my dear.’’ What was this feeling you felt just now? Sadness, guilt? You were pretty sure it was guilt. The way his eyes were fixed on you, with a saddening shine in them, made your heart ache. All the anger, all the doubt you have felt throughout this whole time have now turned into guilt. You felt bad for doubting him, for being mean to him, even for talking back.

,,Chrollo…’’ you sniffed, letting your feelings take over you. ,,Im sorry… I…I wasn’t thinking.’’ Your eyes were getting watery again, you hated yourself, but you couldn’t hate Chrollo. No matter how hard you tried, you just couldn’t hate him. Gosh, you were such a mess, your feelings were all over the place, you weren’t even sure what you were really feeling right now. In the beginning, you were to make sure that you yelled at him, but over time your feelings for him took over. Even with all the anger that was stored  inside of you, your feelings for him were just so much more stronger. No, he was smart enough to make you feel like that.

,,No tears darling, it’s fine.’’ he whispered, as he approached you and took your hand. You didn’t dare to face him, after the mess you’ve caused, you just felt horrible. ,,You’re tired, lets get you to bed dearest, how does that sound?’’ You nodded as a response, still not having the courage to look him in the eye.

But it didn’t bother him, in fact he has done it again. He had made you give in again. So without exchanging any more words, the both of you got ready for bed. When you were already sitting in bed, he was still in the living room, looking for a new book to read. He seemed content with what he has achieved once more. After all he was able to make you forgive him again.

But you on the other hand already started to regret everything. It was always the same. You always prepared yourself to yell at him, you always were angry when he came home, and yet, once he stood in front of you, you couldn’t resist him anymore. It didn’t really matter how mad you were at him, nor did it matter how much you would doubt him, in the end you would always be the one apologizing and begging for forgiveness. Fights with him were always one sided, he never really talked back, but in the end he always won. No matter how hard you tried.

You sighed, you were really tired. Maybe he was right, maybe you were just too tired to think straight. Jus the fact that you were still working at 11PM showed that you were overworking yourself.

,,You’re still awake darling?’’ you heard him ask, once he entered your bedroom again. You just nodded; you didn’t really have much to say to him anymore. All the bad assumptions and insults about him have left your mind all at once, after you apologized to him. Now, it was him who sighed. He sat down next to you with a book in his hand, he leaned closer. ,,You must’ve been up since 6 am, right? You really deserve to get some rest darling.’’ A smile appeared on his face, as he then softly pecked your lips. His lips were as soft as you remembered them to be. ,,Alright..’’ you whispered tiredly, he was right after all, you were up for too long. His lips then touched your forehead as he whispered a quiet ,goodnight darling’.

And with you let yourself drift to sleep.

Another night in which you let yourself get guilt tripped, oh how you hated yourself.

[buckyscrystalqueen]

The Difference: Part 1

Pairings: Mark Sheppard x Reader

Warnings: None??? Swearing must likely...

Word Count: 3204

A/N: So I’m back..... IDK Im outta shape on posting here, y’all.... hope you enjoy it, OK?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In your opinion, first dates were literally the worst, but with a very involved Greek mother and grandmother, a large, extremely loud group of Italian aunts on your father’s side, and a persistent twin sister, you didn’t have a choice but to go on them. Because God forbid you say no. That two letter word was like a grenade in your household. Your mother, who you currently lived with because you were a single mother, would instantly start praying for your soul before calling your sister to pray with her as well. Your father, who was a giant instigator no matter how much he denied it, would head upstairs to ‘stay out of it’, have a brief conversation with his mother, and the phone tree would be instantly activated. Within a matter of minutes, you had your Nonna and eight aunts in your room, reminding you once again, that a single mother of four quadruplet boys, needed a man in your life. 

So you simply went on the dates, used your one year olds as a ‘you don’t want me because I’ve got a lot of baggage’, and left before the waiter could even take your drink order just to sit in your car for an hour in silence. It wasn’t that you didn’t love being a mother. Shit, your boys made you a better person every single day. But there were four of them, and they were all a little over a year old now. And while you were so fortunate that they were all healthy babies, your second son, Luca, was born with Down Syndrome. Even with all the help your immediate and extended family gave you every single day, you still felt like you were drowning in dirty diapers and doctors appointments most days. 

“You’re Mark?” You asked, dismissively as you stopped beside the chair the hostess had pointed out to you in Fogo de Chāo, one of your favorite Brazilian steakhouses, and took off your jacket. He looked up at you and nodded his head once as you sat down and took a deep breath. “Alright, I’m sorry you wasted your time in coming all the way here. I’ll make this quick. I’m 29, single… obviously… I work as a contract linguist for Homeland Security in the Pentagon, and I’m the mother of quadruplets that are fourteen months old and who have no father. So, while you process that, I’m going to drink my water and then head out because usually by the time that information sinks in, men tend to either get a surprise phone call or they have to run to the bathroom only to never come back. I don’t give a shit one way or another. Again, sorry you wasted your time.” You picked up your water glass and took a long swig as your date stared at you and blinked a few times.

“Quadruplets…” He said in a British accent you weren’t expecting as you grabbed your jacket off the back of your chair. “That’s four, correct?”

“Correct.”

“What’s the gender split?” You actually froze with your arm in the sleeve and looked over at him, unbelievingly, because he was the first date to actually ask that question.

“Excuse me?”

“Four boys? Four girls? Mixture of both?” It was your turn to blink a few times in shock as you let your arm fall to your side.

“Four… boys. Do you actually give a damn, or are you just trying to get laid, here?” A huffed chuckled bubbled up from his throat as he picked up his napkin, and laid it across his lap.

“I’m genuinely curious. And I happen to be gentleman, thank you. I am a firm believer in the third date rule.”

“Oh, are you now?” You laughed as you took off your jacket again and draped it over the back of your chair. “You’re that cocky you think you’ll get to a third date with women?”

“Not in the least. I believe the accent alone gets me to the third date and I was raised to respect women.”

“So waiting until only the third date is respectful?”

“I never specified the length of time between dates, darling. This could be date one, but between now and date two, we could have lunch half a dozen times at work, since we both work for the Pentagon.”

“Those are dates.”

“Those are not dates.” He corrected as he got up to start with the appetizer bar in the center of the dining room. “I never said I’d pay for your lunches.”

“Oh, you’re slick.” You giggled as you got up to follow him. “You’re real slick.”

“I try.” He chuckled. “So a linguist, huh? What language?”

“Greek and Italian.”

“Wow. And.” He said as he looked over at you, impressed. “Two languages?”

“Since I was born. See, my mother is Greek. She moved to this country when she was two years old with her twin, my Yaya, and my Papou. So she speaks both Greek and English. Now my father is from Italy. He’s the oldest and he has eight sisters. Huge family. My Nonna and my Nonno moved to the states before my dad was born but, like my mother, he speaks two languages. So when my twin sister, Emma and I were born, it became a battle with my grandparents on which language we spoke. So we speak both fluently.”

“See, I’ve worked with your sister before.” He commented as he waited for you to finish with the salad bar. “She did some translating for me at the request of Ben…”

“Oh, so are you a lawyer with Ben?” He nodded his head as he set his plate down in his spot and pulled your chair out for you.

“I do have quite a few years on him but yes, we are colleagues.”

“Oh what, like ten, maybe?”

“You’re generous.” He breathed as he took the seat beside you and flipped his card over. “I’ve been with the NSA for nearly thirty years… and don’t point out your age here. Emma thinks it’s hilarious to point it out every time she comes into the office to visit with young Benjamin.”

“She’s a bitch.” You said with a nod as you ripped a piece of cheese bread with your fingers and popped it in your mouth. “You get used to it.”

“Now, are you two fraternal twins? Because you look nothing alike…”

“You know, it’s funny you ask.” You sort of mumbled around your bite, which you swallowed quickly. “We’re identical. But it’s like fifty fifty on who can see it. My mom couldn’t tell us apart to save her life, but my dad has no issue. Half my aunts can tell, half can’t. Our boss can, Ben can half the time but I think he cheats, you can obviously tell. My sons are an even split, too.”

“Are any of them identical?” You nodded and let out a small sigh, taking a minute to take a drink of water for a break.

“Two of them are.” You started as you looked over at him, knowing that this was the second hurdle to get over with dates. “My youngest, Theo and Thomas. Evan and Luca are fraternal. And just like me and my sister, it’s fifty fifty on who can tell them apart. My mom can and she’s super proud of that.”

“I know you have photos.” He said as he nodded at the waiter that was making his round with a skewer of hot, top sirloin.

“Oh, I have thousands.” You confirmed as you, too, agreed to some top sirloin while pulling your phone out of your purse. “But… just…” You sighed the slightest bit and lit up the screen of your phone. “Sorry, I’m protective.”

“I already know.” He nearly whispered as he put his hand on yours over the phone as the screen went dark again. “Ben has an old photo of them on his desk. When he suggested this date, he told me you’d be stand-offish to protect them, and he gave me a very brief reason why. It doesn’t scare me, darling. Your strength just makes me even more fond of you.” You looked up at him and nodded your head with a hint of tears in your eyes.

“Evan is the oldest.” You started as you lit up the screen again and laid your phone flat on the table. “He is my trouble maker. That little man can get into everything and anything in the blink of an eye. Then Luca is next. He’s my little miracle; I almost lost him twice in the NICU but he is such a fighter. I can’t tell you how many times people said I should have terminated him because he has Down syndrome. But he has taught me… so much more than any school or any thing could just in this last year, and he continues to teach me more every day. Theo, then Thomas are next. I don’t think they look anything alike…”

“Really?” Mark asked incredulously. “See they look identical to me, here.”

“Photos are a little harder with the two of them for me.” You agreed as you pushed your phone  across the table. “I have to take an extra second to really look. But face to face there is no question. They are two completely different personalities. All my boys are so different. And they all give me a run for my money.”

“Boys will do that.” He chuckled as he nodded at the next waiter, who had parmesan pork. “I think I can consider myself an expert and say that, as they get older, they will be even more of a handful.”

“You’re not helping here.” You giggled around a bite and behind your hand.

“You don’t think so? I think I am being extremely helpful.”

“No, now you’re just making me regret that I didn’t keep putting my coat on.”

“Oh, now why would you go and say a mean thing like that?” He asked as he put his hand over his heart. “Darling, that hurts. I thought I was doing so well.”

“Nope. You made it three steps forward and jumped eight back.”

“Bloody hell. I’m gunna have to try even harder, now. I love a challenge.”

——

You were actually pleasantly surprised with how your night went, and you were actually even more surprised that your date, which started at six PM, lasted through, an exorbitant amount of meat, salad, and cheesy bread, two amazing split desserts, and some absolutely amazing conversation. You pulled into the driveway at your house in Arlington at quarter to eleven, and you were only partially surprised to see all of the female half of your extended family waiting up for you.

“No!” You said as you walked through the front door with a shake of your head. “No, I’m not doing this…”

“(Y/N) (Y/M/N) (Y/L/N) you sit down and you talk to us right now.” Your Yaya, Calliope, demanded in Greek as you walked through the front room of the house you grew up in.

“It’s late, Yaya.” You tried before your mom’s twin, your Aunt Selene side stepped in front of you in the kitchen doorway.

“You sit down and you tell us about this man or we will go down and wake those babies up until you talk to us, you hear me?” You sighed at her and rolled your eyes. It was moments like these where you disliked having a big family, because you knew that they would absolutely wake up your boys if you didn’t stop and spill.

“He’s very nice.” You started as you held on to the door frame to take off your heels. “Funny, charming…”

“Did you kiss him?”

“I don’t trust him.”

“Did you sleep with him already?”

“Did he pay for dinner?”

“Was he a gentleman?”

“OK, you guys need to just chill.” You said as you held your hand up and looked at the room of women. “I can’t answer six questions at once, in three different languages, at eleven at night. So here’s the run down. Yes, he paid for dinner. Yes, he was a gentleman. Emma wouldn’t have set it up if he wasn’t. No I didn’t sleep with him, yes, I did kiss him. Yes, he was very good at it. He’s got a British accent, he’s taller than me, he is divorced, he has no kids but wants and loves them, and he works as an attorney for the NSA with Ben. 

Now, I’m going to love on my babies, and go to bed because my lovely offspring love nothing more than to wake me up at the asscrack of dawn… sorry Nonna… Yaya…” You apologized as you held your hand up apologetically at your two grandmothers for swearing in front of them. “I love you all, and I will tell you more at family dinner on Sunday. Good night, go home, please. It’s bedtime.” You waved your hand at your aunts and grandmothers on your way to the kitchen, and they started collecting their things as your mother, Zoe, came running up behind you.

“Theo’s still up with your father.” She sighed as she handed you the baby monitor. “He didn’t eat much dinner…”

“Did you try laying him down with Thomas?” You asked as you stopped at the sound proofed basement door.

“He wasn’t having it. He just wanted his Mama.” With a huff, you kissed her cheek, and opened the door. 

“Thanks, Mom. I really appreciate it.”

“It was a group effort, baby.” She said as she pat your shoulder. “Sweet dreams.”

“You too, Mommy. Love you.” She repeated the sentiment to you as you stepped on to the landing leading down to the basement, which was your and Emma’s former play room when you were kids and was now the studio apartment you shared with your four babies. You smiled at the older man who was sitting in a Lazy Boy in the middle of the room by the bathroom as he stopped rocking and nodded his head hello at you. “Hi, Dad.”

“Hey… there’s mama, see?” You smiled at your little boy as he picked his head up off your dad’s chest and looked over at you.

“Mama.” Theo choked as he turned and reached out for you with tears in his eyes.

“Oh, little man. Come here.” You dropped your shoes on the carpet and tossed your purse and jacket on your bed so you could take your son from your father.

“His bed time bottle is in the fridge. He didn’t touch it and he ate maybe three raviolis for dinner. I’m going up to bed.”

“Thanks Daddy. I’ll see you in the morning.” He nodded his head, sleepily as he trudged up the stairs, as your current little cry baby buried his face in your throat. “Alright, Theo. You gotta go to sleep, OK? But you can lay with mama for a little while. Only a little while, then you have to go in your bed.”

“No.”

“You can try to tell me no all you want, baby boy but you are gunna go to bed in your own bed tonight. Mama needs her own bed.” You grabbed the green capped bottle from the shelf of the fridge in the small kitchenette that, as a child, you never understood its purpose, but you were really grateful for as an adult. You dropped the bottle in the warmer on the counter and reached back behind your back to unzip your dress with a sigh. Theo protested a bit when you walked over and set him down on your king sized bed by the stairs, and he crawled across the blankets after you when you walked over to your small closet between the four cribs to throw your dress in your hamper and put on PJ’s. He slid off the bed, which was just a mattress and a box spring on the floor for that exact reason, and toddled after you into the bathroom.

“Oh, now we’re just being annoyingly needy.” You sighed when he latched himself on to your leg while you took off your makeup and ran a brush through your hair. Theo simply continued to sniffle until you finished and finally picked him up again. With one final heavy sigh, you grabbed his bottle and flipped off the lights, which didn’t do much since you had night lights all over the room so you could see your boys in the middle of the night. 

“Alright, bed time. Bed time.” You let out a relieved breath as you sat down on your bed and leaned back against the wall. Once Theo was settled in your arms with his bottle, you shoved your jacket on the floor and retrieved your phone from your bag before it followed your jacket. You glanced at the screen out of habit, looking at your sweet boy’s smiling faces, and you smiled at the text from Mark from a few minutes before.

— Hope you made it home safe. I had a wonderful time tonight. Look forward to seeing you again. 

You unlocked the screen and hit the message with your thumb.

— I had a fantastic time. I’m really glad you convinced me to stay, even if that third glass of wine is making taking care of this needy little boy a little difficult.

You hit the camera icon and flipped the view toward you and your son. You choose not to care that you didn’t have make up or a bra on any more, and took the photo of you and the beautiful, blue eyed little boy laying against your chest.

— Oh the joys of being a mother.

You set the phone down on your thigh and started to hum, hoping that you could get Theo to fall asleep quickly so you could get a couple hours yourself. Your eyes fell closed and your head gently hit the wall behind you, and the small suckling sound your son made mixed in with the sound machine that helped Evan fall asleep better than anything you had tried became your lullaby. You and Theo had both started to drift off, when your phone buzzed on your thigh.

— Oh, poor thing. I hope he goes to bed quickly for you. Sweet dreams, (Y/N). Good night… I’m gunna guess Thomas.

You smirked and glanced down at the finally sleeping little boy in your arms.

— Nope. This is Theo. Good try, though. Good night, sweetheart.

You set your phone down on your pillow and very carefully stood up to put your son to bed. He fussed for a couple seconds when you pulled the abandoned bottle from his hand and laid him down, but he thankfully stayed asleep. After checking the other three babies, you dumped out the remnants of the bottle in the sink, filled it with water, and simply left it to deal with in the morning with the boys breakfast dishes. You were already half asleep when you trudged back over to your bed and you were sound asleep the moment your head hit your pillow.

Part 2

[rksejun]

hey y’all! this isn’t my first time in rookies but i haven’t been here in a hot minute so i really appreciate all the lovely welcomes. i’m excited to be here with my garbage bin of a muse, lim sejun! he’s 22, works at his grandparents’ laundromat, and is a former trainee trying to #makeit again. i’ll drop some additional info about him under the cut, but i also have an about page up for him if you’d prefer to look at that! i also managed to get some plots up for him so if you see any you like or you’d just like to plot in general, smash that LIKE button and i’ll slide into your ims! 

he’s a busan boy! born & raised there, left in middle school to live with his grandparents in seoul - was chasing his dream of becoming an idol and figured it would be a lot easier to do that if he was in the city

works at a run-down little laundromat (or as his grandparents call it, a community establishment) called sunshine laundry. for a small fee, they’ll wash, dry, and fold all your dirty clothes! for an extra fee, they’ll do the ironing. for an extra extra fee, sejun will give you a kith. haha jk. unless...?

passed an audition to become a trainee at a small company in high school! he was pretty public about it - featured in some of his seniors’ mvs and was poised to become the face of the company’s new boy group

but then!! his contract was terminated because of ‘image management issues’ aka a pann post that went viral about a trainee drinking while underage and dating in violation of his contract (now with pictures!). his company basically decided it wasn’t worth the effort to rehabilitate his image so they let him go

death tw //

(also it wasn’t like the allegations were false - he definitely did do those things. the drinking part in particular was a bad, bad coping mechanism for his grief over his best friend’s death. he’s never really told anyone about that, preferring to be thought of as a rebel or a punk, but really, alcohol was the only thing that could him forget and stay sane at the time). 

end tw //

took a break from the industry for a couple of months before he returned to the #grind and began auditioning for companies again

nothing really panned out, and he’s slowed down his efforts now. he still wants to become an idol and prove he deserves a second chance, but he’s aware he’s getting older and it might be tough

so he’s learning to let go! he is! 

anyway he’s kind of super confident, charming, and full of himself - really thinks he’s the shit and will let you know it. will go after what he wants with no hesitation. also super ride or die for all of his friends and akin to a lazy clingy dog. he DEMANDS attention and he DEMANDS affection. he will also go to bat for you no matter how stupid the situation is. 

sometimes he’s chaotic and the “i think i will cause problems on purpose” kind of guy because he thrives in crazy situations. he can take things too far at times too - he’s not the most considerate of people but he appreciates people who can straight up tell him he’s being a dick, much respect

appreciates honesty and straightforwardness in others, but ironically is rarely honest himself - he’ll share enough with you to make you stop asking questions but he keeps his cards close to his heart otherwise

doesn’t really like... look to the future when he’s making decisions and stuff, thrives in the moment but rarely thinks about the long term which is why his life is kind of a mess right now and he’s not doing much to fix it

idk what else to say he’s not a good boye bront but he’s a fun boy? 

i’m sorry please plot with us

[vampexx]

I have tried a few times now to write this post but I just couldnt go forward with posting it, thinking its too personal...

But...here it goes...

I have always been a painfully shy, paranoid and self conscious person so being this open is really scary for me to say the least due to my struggles with confidence and self esteem...

And drawing has been something I did for as long as I can remember...and it was something that helped me growing up...

However, ever since high school in 10th grade, I have had almost all my drive and love for drawing drained from me from comparing myself to the other, "better," students in my art class and from my own art teacher who at first, in 9th grade, started as a somewhat positive influence but then the next year being really negative and rude.

I was the student that was told, "youre not done, go back to your seat, keep working," when going to my teacher for advice. When he said this, he would only glance at my work before turning me away. All while the other students received kind, positive and constructive criticism when I did not.

He even addressed me, out loud, in front of the class, regarding my low grade, saying, "the only reason you arent failing my class is because you did your homework last night."

For context: the homework assignment was some drawing exercises...and the reason my grade was low was because, it was towards the end of the year, I had completely given up on myself and my art so I didnt turn in a project. One, because I never cared enough to finish it and two, it was an act of rebellion on my part.

That was the first and only class where I actually had an F-....I didnt even know it was possible to get that low of a grade...but trust me, it is. My math grade was never even that low.

Now, this art class was something you had to submit a portfolio for it to be reviewed so these 2 art teachers could decide if you were accepted into this art program or not. (It was exoensive too, if I remember correctly, it was like $200 per semester, and I did this for 2 years).

And against my own self consciousness, while feeling like I was far less qualified than others, I challenged my self doubt and fear of rejection and tried out anyways...

And a few weeks later, I found out I was accepted. That moment went down as one my top, most proud moments. I was proud of myself for a change.

Only for that to change a couple years later...where the little pride and confidence I had left in not only myself, but my skills in art, just dropped so low.

On top of that, my academic grades while in this art program, were also dropping considerably due to the amount of stress I put myself through trying to meet everyone elses expectations and standards.

My painting and drawing teacher (the nice one, not the rude one) would encourage my love and skill for cartooning, charcoal and shading. My digital art teacher (the one who ended up being so rude to me in the following year), helped me realize my strengths in photoshop and with a tablet. He did praise me a few times, which did help, but it didnt last very long.

My downfall was the art class that I took in 10th grade, with my previous digital art teacher, which was "figure drawing." Basically, it was learning how to draw anatomy and being anatomically correct which I found out very early on, was not my strength....and it was the whole focus of the class for the entire year so I was screwed. My strengths were cartooning and caricatures, not anywhere near anything anatomically correct. I kean, I could draw a skeleton, but when it came to human figures and poses....I dont know why but I had a tough time. So that was the year that things really went downhill fast.

It just took the fun out of drawing and turned it into something that felt too forced.

However, in my experience with this class I learned something about myself that Im actually glad that I did...

Its that art is just a hobby for me. I learned that I hate drawing on demand, in a certain time frame, and drawing what someone else wants me to draw.

I want to draw only on my own terms and at my own pace.

I couldnt see that about myself because I was too concerned with everyone else and their skills in drawing.

A few years after I quit the art program, I really didnt draw all that much aside from little doodles and unfinished sketches on the edges of my homework and class notes. I didnt like anything that I drew anymore.

And when you lose love, drive and interest in something you were once so passionate about....it leaves a gaping hole in you. It makes you feel pointless, like there nothing special about you. Nothing that sets you apart from everyone else. It really is as depressing as it sounds.

I was lost.

However. I FELT FREE. I didnt have a constant reminder from several different people that I wasnt as good. No one to make me feel lesser than someone else. No one to put me down.

As a result, my academic grades improved back to As and Bs (excluding math in the 11th grade, I had like a D).

---

And I realize now that maybe I didnt learn all of this the hard way for no reason. Maybe its to also help someone so they dont have to learn the hard way like I did. Or maybe, its to reach out to those have experienced the same or similar things as me so that they dont feel alone. So that they know that them and their skills are still very much valuable and valid.

Because everyone goes at their own pace, no two people are ever the same.

Anyone can be good at anything.

Now I didnt want this post to discourage anyone from taking or considering an art class. Please understand that my experiences are unique to myself. Art classes are actually very helpful as long as your surrounded by positive and encouraging influences.

Just remember to be careful. Respect yourself and your abilities. Be patient with yourself. Have faith in yourself, dont give up. And last, but not least, know your worth and what you deserve when it comes to treatment.

---

Anyways, so up until a couple of years ago, I slowly started to get back into drawing.

I do love to draw, along with architecture and interior/ fashion design.

Im working to rediscover myself, even though I dont want to do it professionally...

So as I did years ago, I will challenge my self doubt again and try to put myself back out there.

So as anxietal as I am, I want to ask...

Would anyone be interested in seeing something I drew?

Might be an odd question and it might sound attention seeking but Im really just testing the waters....

I will add one little doodle I did the other day just to see....

I know its not that great and thats its nothing amazing but....its something Im proud of...however small it may be.

Im not sure how I feel when it comes to reposting...

I feel like I dont want people to repost it...

In case I ever feel like taking it down...

Idk.

Anyways....Im literally shaking Im so nervous...

But...Im trying to repair some old damage.

Have a miraculous day and thank you for your patience.

Again, please dont repost. At least until Im a little more comfortable.

Thank you

[sakuhai]

I quite enjoy Oriya❤PJ comics on WEBTOON.I don't think they are homophobic,just extremely intense and mostly focuse on the dark side of humans and relationships because to a certain degree that's closer to reality.

In their most recent project the characters are complicated and full of flaws and some hidden virtues.

The main character is this rich kid who has always been lonely angry and sad.As a kid his mother "abandoned" him and his older sister (who btw once had s*x with a dude who had a boyfriend and a few years later she got pregnant by a married man though so far its unclear whether she had the kid or not,but one thing is for sure.She ALWAYS had her father on her side helping her out and supporting her and being lenient over her mistakes,unlike her brother whome he always judged more harshly and had much more demands for him and on top of that didn't accept the fact that his son was gay and he was never a supportive father.)

Thats one way to look at things but everyone is "morally gray" in the creators works so the father is not a complete monster.He still spoiled his kids providing them with everything.The main protagonist didn't go to college neither did he had a job.He still lived under his "a**hole" fathers roof but he didn't respect him.Like one time he brought in a dude and f*cked him on the couch in the living room.He did it on purpose to piss off his father who caught him and gave him a bloody punch in the face...

The thing with the seme of the story is that he eventually got a job at a bar but he was diagnosed with an extremely serious potentially life threatening heart disease that the doctor said that surgery or surgeries are necessary and can be done at the seme's fathers clinic but he is too proud to ask his father for anything.And he distants himself from his family more and more.And one time he even roasted his sister so hard she slapped him in the face and run away crying.🙄

Now the other main character of this series is the "controversial" one -at least for me-

I guess it's easy to like characters like him.Because he is the uke and he is very pretty and he gets f*cked around all the time so he is the one who provides almost all the s*x in the series so that makes him likable to the audience.

The uke is interesting but also kinda annoying to me.

He was a prostitute for many years.He was picked up from the streets by a daddy and he was offered a job at a brothel.However the contract he signed had significantly more privileges compared to other s*x workers there.

The uke could chose his clients,he could chose whether he wanted to have s*x with them or not and if yes he could chose what kind and set some very strict rules and limitations.No bruises,no hickeys,no any marks.His paycheck was way larger than the other prostitutes as well and most importantly he could quit and leave the brothel whenever he wanted to!And of course he "brought in the most clients"and the boss offerered him special treatment.He told him "Whatever you need I'm always here for you.Don't ever hesitate."

So based on that its understandable why some other s*x workers at the brothel hated him with a passion.And he is always so aloof always smoking a cigarette and has an attitude.

So the uke met the seme at the bar the seme works in and he liked him.They hooked up and continued so for around 4 months until the seme found out that the uke works at a brothel and he was disgusted.The uke answers that he didn't think they were in a relationship and that if he had ever asked him anything he would had answered him.

The truth is that during those months they didn't do anything else but meet and f*ck.They didn't talk or anything more substantial than just s*x but they both are responsible for this because none of them ever took the initiative to try and meet the other better...

So the seme rejects the uke but the latter has a spare key of his apartment and often appears there and he is kinda manipulative because he has figured out a few of the seme's vulnerabilities.He knows he feels lonely that he has anxiety and he is desperate for affection.But the uke translates all this to s*x and he is more "catty" while with the seme things are straight forward.He loses his temper and he yells.He calls the uke hoe and multiple times has declared that he wants nothing to do with him!

Yet the uke always appears in front of him.Some may say he cares he loves him etc but to me all those seem more manipulative and selfish from the uke's part.

He appears at bars the seme goes and he "saves him" from others who want to hook up with him (not that the seme needs physical help) but still the uke magically appears as if he has the right to interfere in the semes life whether for good or for bad.

He still takes care of the seme when the latter is drunk and vulnerable.I can't help but feel that the uke takes advantage of the seme for his own benefit and in a way he does manipulate him psychologically and emotionally.Trying to convince him that they both are "equally dirty" and "horrible people".

Things always end up with s*x for them though no matter how many times the seme has told him he is not interested he doesn't want to see him anymore.He even threatened to call the police on him if the uke didn't give him the spare key back.The uke pretended to do so but he lied.He is so creepy having multiple keys of the seme's apartment and chilling there as he wishes too knowing that in the end the seme will just give in to s*x and things will continue as such.

He even introduced himself as the semes boyfriend to the semes sister when she visited her brother.Before that he had discovered the doctor diagnosis paper which was in a drawer the seme had by his desk.

Btw of course the uke has a "super cool amazing goth girlfriend" who thinks the seme is the a**hole and that her friend should just leave him.She is right but only for the second part.

Anyways the uke once again seemingly got what he wanted.He claimed that ever since he met the seme he hasnt been working at the brothel nor taking any other guys.With the only exception being his ex boss he just couldn't refuse him a "goodbye forever" f*cking.

He told him he has quit the s*x industry for good and permanently.However it seems that the uke has no further explanations or promises to give.And he doesn't have anything in mind about what he is going to do in the future.What other job is he capable of doing?

The thing with the uke is not only that he was a prostitute but he was a criminal who has done some illegal immoral things that are just disgusting and could get him in jail.

Basically he sold drugs to people.And to underage people...Idk but if I was the seme I'd be even more strict with him.Unfortunately this seme seems tough but he is not.He is more like a big kid and he is lonely insecure and vulnerable which the uke I feel like takes advantage of those to guilt trip him.

All it took for the uke to stop being roasted in front of a mirror by the seme was to make a dramatic scene after the seme told him "How do you come here and take for granted that I'll kiss you when I don't know where your mouth has been and how many d*cks it has sucked and how can I be with someone in a normal relationship knowing that he has f*cked half the town!?" After hearing those the uke just grabbed the soap and poured it in his mouth (the dramatic scene) and the seme got worried (exactly as the uke expected) and not only that but the uke then proceeds to once again tell him that they both are dirty.

Idk im mostly leaning towards not liking this uke very much because once again he got what he wanted by manipuation.By psychological threat attempting to wash his mouth with soap.That will make a sensitive person like the seme to think that the uke could do something more serious trying to damage himself if he doesn't get what he wants.

Only time will tell but so far I'm glaring at the uke.Giving him double the attitude he gives to others lol.He is the type of person that thinks that even though the seme rejects him,insults him and even manhandled him few times as long as the uke can still get him to have s*x with him then he will probably fall in love with him eventually...

Anyways the title of this mess is "If tomorrow was yesterday" check it out and make your own opinions if you're interested.

It is an interesting story the chapters are very brief there is a lot of drama and "tea" in each one of them so overall is a easy to binge read comic.Also the art is great though sometimes I feel that the artist goes through the "Same face syndrome" way too often...But that's not so important.

[weeaboo-horror-stories]

I am bisexual.

When I was in the 4th grade, at age 11, I met this really cute girl. She was about, what, 4'6 ft tall? She was actually my classmate, but I was always socially awkward. It's a long story, but we eventually became friends. She was REALLY smart and hardworking (in our school, if you're an honor student, you're REAALLY smart.) while i was lazy and average. Of course, back then we were still children. (Btw let's refer to her as "Maki" instead) We both loved anime, and we were total weebs. At that time, I was obsessed with Hetalia. I influenced her to watch it, she was a shugo chara fan. Anddd so she also got addicted.

Anyway, I was pretty fond of drawing, and people saluted me for my skills. Maki worshipped me like a God no im sERIOUS and called me "sensei", because i gave her lots of tips. She overestimated me too much. To the point where she neglected her studies just to talk to me. Although, I myself did not notice that. She always told me that she never had a true friend, and I was her first friend. She always told me that she loved me, and that we will forever be friends until we die. 

Her mother started to notice the big drop of our grades, and blamed me for it. She also started talking back to her, although Maki said that she did that back before we were friends.

Fifth and sixth grade came by, (i am from asia, 6th grade is our last year in gradeschool, but we still remain at the same school.) and her mother's anger at me grew, for Maki's behavior became "worse", as Maki explained. She forbid her to see me, and I was hurt. But she still constantly followed me, we were inseparable. 

Her mother even asked for a transfer of section in 6th grade, just for her to get away from me. But that didn't work either.

I didn't understand, she still remained an honor student, so what's wrong? I was hurt.

So one day, I confronted her. I wasn't rude, if that's what you're thinking. But she screamed at me and demanded at me to leave her daughter alone right in front of the school's catholic church. She called me a demon. Everyone in the school was looking at her with shame, and looking at me with pity. I shaked the tears off, I didn't want her to see me cry. I left afterwards in tears, it wouldn't stop. The only thing that cheered me up was a friend that went with me in the car (because no driver). She was my childhood friend (first friend too. We've been friends for almost 12 years) let's refer to her as Aka.

I never realized I was bisexual until freshman year came. But that's where the real thing comes.

At that time, the school year was ending, and I told her that maybe we should be apart

I had two reasons for saying that.

One, is because I didn't want her to get hurt anymore. Her mother abuses her. It just hurts me to see her hurt, and yet still smile. 

Two, is because I felt odd. I think about her everytime, I go nuts when I don't get to talk to her for a day. I felt so crazy that I didn't know what it was. I had a crush on a boy back then at 4th grade, but the feeling was different somehow. I was so confused. 

When I told her to break it for the 3rd time, we did. But afterwards, we came by again. She told me that she was so sad. I didn't know what to feel, so I smiled at it. It was March. 

My weeaboo phase ended at that month.

I started to watch different things like the vampire diaries...etc.

Afterwards, I have come to the thought that I had feelings for her, so I told her that we should be acquaintances starting our first year of highschool.

When we found out the people we will be classmates with, I told her to be friends with a certain person (lets call her Eli?)

And so she did.

But, I realized how jealous I was after nearly a month.

She made a bunch of friends, while I...made nothing. But that's not why I was jealous

I was jealous because I wasn't with her everyday like we used to, it's not the same anymore. I felt ignored. So I sent her a message. And she answered with

"Heya~ Recieved ur text but ddnt recive load, im NOT trying to ignore you though, i thought we were aquaintances and yes i knew u helped me a lot and i appreciate u for that but you dnt hav d right to tell me whether to make friends or not, because we have our own lives n i do wat i want when i wanna do it n i wanna make friends so what? I actually did make lots this first few weeks of school already. Plus i dont think we can relate to each other anymore.. I love hetalia & anime still but u've gone out of d fandom n went to TVD n PLL, im not really interested in that though,sorry.I still belive dat anime could be real while u think their jst living in ur comp screen. Im not trying to judge ur opinions because i respect ur opinions owo scouting is actually fun though, its not boring nor tiering at all, its pretty fun >w< i luv it. Believe it or not i still miss you but i dont think we can relate. I hav 2 study everyday n night, my grades matter to me, so please dnt say im trying to ignore u by not going to fb, i jst hav 2 study thats y. I cant be on here all the time n i barely hav time to get on here because im trying to make up for my failing ones.. n my phone dsnt lyk recieving load idk y. btw i sti believe my friends wnt leave me and yeah thats all i gotta say bye see u :)"

I felt offended..somehow

So I confronted her, told her that I wanted us to be friends again. But she didn't want to, for she already got a new set of friends. And of course, I wanted to cry. But I didn't want to show it. 

I wanted to shout. 

There was another message, it was her apologizing for offending me. Of course, I didn't see that message. But I confronted her the day before, I think she was offended. No...she IS offended. I felt baddd 

I don't want to reveal anything else, but I sent her a total of 20+ apology messages through deviantart and facebook from July to March of 2014. 

I was seenzoned, and there was so reply.

I cried every night.

I felt so obsessed, stalking her through every site.

I was friends with Eli, and I asked her about what Maki thinks of me. She said that Maki didn't want to talk about it, but she disliked me. Ouch. 

Although, Eli DID say that Maki had an older brother and an older sister who was married, but I knew those were big lies. She only had one sister, which was younger than her. I can't believe she lied, she wasnt the type of person to lie.

At January of 2014, I met a guy from the higher batch (can we call him vans). He made me realize that I was bisexual, that I loved Maki.

So, at April of 2014, I sent her my last message. I even confessed to her that I had a crush on her.

But at October (or so) I sent her another message through deviantart, admitting all faults.

I didn't expect her to reply, but when I checked my deviantart page again, she replied.

I'm too lazy to look up what she said, but she said that she forgave me, asked me how I was, and all. But she sent another message that said that we couldnt be together again, but we are good now.

I was so happy that I cried, screamed, and burried myself in the pillow. Literally. 

Until now, at sophomore year, I still see her. We're still not classmates, and our classrooms are far from each other, but each time I see her..my heart still tends to ache.

We are from different clubs (she is from the english club, while I am from the art club. If the art club wasn't so full, I think we would've been clubmates.)

Next school year, I have a horrible feeling that we will be classmates, due to the fact that I am pretty sure we took the art course. Our school will sort us by course next year, and I'm not sure what I will do if I were to be her classmate once more. Will I breakdown and cry in front of her? Or smile at her, and fall for her all over again? It's not fair. I still want to see her. 

I hope her mother will accept me one day, and I will be able to be close to her once again. I am okay with being "just friends", I just don't want to be apart from her. I hope she understands. 

Maki, if you're reading this, thank you. Thank you for letting me experience being loved, feeling loved. I'm sorry for being such a horrible person back then. Thank you so much.

[pinkletterday]

Dancing Queen

Pairing: Oliver Queen/ Barry Allen

Rating: Teen

Summary: Barry makes an awful pun and Oliver makes an impulsive proposal.

A/N: Arrow S5/ Flash S3 AU. Laurel's alive and Sam came back to Starling with William.

This is my Olivarry fic with the highest proportionate kudos rating. Idk why. It's a strange bit of fluff. :P

Read on AO3

When Mayor Queen's driver pulls up to his boss' apartment building, Oliver is still on his phone. He's been on his phone or in meetings all day, putting out fires, being sneered at by experienced Councilmen, harangued by the city treasury and being coached through dizzyingly complicated legalese by Laurel. He is trying not to drown in it all but can't ignore his night job either, especially considering a certain businessman who had turned up, thinking to offer the new and overwhelmed young mayor a tempting carrot and a large stick. Oliver has been urgently co-ordinating with Diggle and Felicity for the Green Arrow to divest the gentleman of both, post-haste.

His child's mother calling him to demand satisfaction is the icing on today's cake.

"Yes, Samantha, I understand this is the third time-," he absently waves the driver off, juggling his briefcase and files. "I know William was disappointed at missing his weekend with me - yes, I realize that - Sam, I just got sworn in as mayor! - well, yeah it was three months ago but - yeah, I'm still at my night job but I am being careful - yes, I am taking him to the Cardinals game this weekend - I'll make it up him, Samantha, I promise - I'm not lying to him!"

Samantha isn't done with him until he's at the doorstep of the apartment he now shares with Barry. Who had moved to Starling to be with him ("I can be in Central in 10 minutes, Oliver") but who, to Oliver's eternal guilt, has barely seen him this week, what with work and vigilante-ing ("That's still not a word, Barry.") and respective family commitments. He's two hours later than he said he would be today as well.

Oliver unlocks the door, weary apology on his lips, expecting to find takeout on the counter and a speedster flopped forlornly on the sofa, flipping through the cable channels.

What he finds is the delicious smell of baking pervading the apartment, along with the strains of Grease and Barry obliviously singing along into a broom. He's in his socks and Spiderman boxers, wearing one of Oliver's t-shirts that hangs so large off his slender frame that it makes him look like a misshapen manta ray. There's icing sugar on his nose and his hair is still fluffy from a shower.

"Better shape up, cause you need a man..." his boyfriend spins around á la John Travolta, does a double take when he sees Oliver and bursts into a smile like sunshine, continuing without missing a beat - "and my heart is set on you!" flinging his arm out dramatically to point at him. The complete dork.

"You're the one that I want, you are the one I want," Barry sings blithely into his makeshift mic, hustling up to him, "ooh ooh ooh," shimmying from side to side. Oliver grabs him by those enticing hips to pull him forward and kiss him as soundly as he can through both their grins. He tastes like icing sugar and almonds.

"What's all this?" asks Oliver when they break apart, gesturing to the kitchen island scattered with baking supplies and trays of fresh-baked doughnuts.

"Well," Barry leads Oliver by the hand to show him his handiwork, steps still bouncing, "I figured you'd be in hot water with Samantha because you had to cancel your last weekend with William 'cause of that thing with the vampire cult -"

They have vampires now, apparently. Because the world isn't already ridiculous enough. "Was that Star City weirdness or Central?"

"Neither, they turned out to be based out of Keystone. And you were the one who rolled out the magic stuff, not me. Anyway. Samantha doesn't understand about vampires so I figured she'd be on the war path -"

"She is."

"So your intrepid superhero boyfriend breezed by William's school and found out that his class is having a bake sale!" A grown man should not look that much like an adorable labrador that had brought back the frisbee, Oliver thinks. "And William says Samantha is pants at baking, so if you ride in on your white horse with two dozen homemade doughnuts -"

"I'd earn back some brownie points."

"Exactly. And it makes your interest look more proactive! Which it is!" Barry hurries to clarify as Oliver's face clouds, "You're just really swamped, Ollie. You'd bake all day for William if you had time. But you do have a speedster boyfriend to help out so...I'm just pinch hitting."

Oliver looks with tenderness and wonder at the younger man, bustling around full of effervescent energy.

"Thanks, Barr. You're amazing," he reels him in close by his waist and gently kisses the icing off his nose.

Barry looks pleased with himself. "I am."

"You look like you're almost done." Oliver looks around regretfully.

"Yes, but you can still help me put the icing and sprinkles on the last batch. I know you love them, you lying health food freak!" Barry smirks and pushes the bowl of icing and bag of sprinkles at Oliver, who gladly takes off his coat and rolls up his sleeves.

"Laurel called and told me you'd be held up at work, so I ate and put the leftovers in the fridge for you." Barry continues moving fluidly around him with dancing movements, opening cupboards and tossing cutlery in the sink.

"That's good. I was afraid you'd have waited for me."

"Babe, I'm a speedster," Barry snorts. "I'd die if I waited for you to eat. This stomach waits for no man, sorry. Not even the one I love."

"Stomach first, man second," Oliver agrees. "I have always suspected this about you."

"Yes. I only love you cause you feed me," Barry nods. He attempts to scoop up some more icing with his finger only to be swatted away by Oliver. "Hey! That was my icing first!"

"And now its my icing and my doughnut," says Oliver sternly. "Keep those thieving hands to yourself, greedy."

Barry pouts injuredly at him. "The love, it has been rescinded."

Oliver tugs him close, smears icing on his lips and kisses him in answer. "Has it really?"

"Mmmm," Barry noses his ear, "and how was your day?" he inquires, wrapping his long manta ray arms around him and trapping him in his own t-shirt.

Oliver buries his face in his lover's hair and huffs. "I don't even want to talk to about it."

He feels Barry's shoulders slump. "Same," he whispers. "I only got through today so I could come home to you."

They hold each other close for a long moment before Barry breaks away. "How about we just not talk about anything serious and concentrate on William's doughnuts?"

"I'll focus on his doughnuts," Oliver leers playfully, letting his hand slide below his boyfriend's waist. "You were in the middle of something when I interrupted. Please continue."

"What?" Barry looks at him befuddled. "You're serious?"

"I'm the mayor, Barry. I'm always serious."

"You want me to dance for you? While you decorate doughnuts?"

"Yup." Oliver smirks and gooses his partner, making him yelp and wiggle away. "Entertain me, serf. Go on!"

Barry gapes at him and then, when he continues to look deadly serious, starts scrolling through the song menu, pouting. An evil grin suddenly comes over his face and -

"Friday night and the lights are loooow..."

Oliver instantly regrets everything. "Okay no wait, I take it back - Barry, no! You know what, you're fired. We're breaking up. Give me the remote."

Barry gleefully spins out of the way and continues singing. "YOU ARE THE DANCING QUEEN!" he yells at Oliver, who cringes in his soul.

"This is the corniest you have ever been in your life." Oliver informs him. Barry does an unrepentant shimmy in reply.

"DANCING QUEEN FEEL THE BEAT FROM THE TAMBOURINE OOOH-" Barry is cut off as a cloud of icing sugar explodes in his face. He blinks and sputters in disbelief.

"Oh, hell no!" he growls when his vision clears, lightning sparking in his eyes. "You're not getting away with that, Queen!"

Oliver meets his boyfriend's glare with a smirk and spins the icing spatula in his hand like a nunchuck. "Bring it, Allen!"

...

Later, Abba is still playing in a low hum in the background, and the two of them are lying much dishevelled on the kitchen island floor which is covered in various cake ingredients. Barry's t-shirt (or rather Oliver's) is rucked around his armpits and both their pants are shucked around their thighs.

Oliver falls back onto the sugar-covered floor with a sigh. "I can't believe I had sex with you after that," he groans. "That was the unsexiest thing I've ever seen."

"And yet," Barry grins smugly at the ceiling. "It's not my fault you're easy."

Oliver props his head on his elbow and turns to look at Barry pulling up his Spiderman pants. There is flour in his hair, his cheek and chin are smeared with batter and he's lost a sock. He sees Oliver staring at him.

"What?" Barry asks warily.

Oliver continues gazing at him like he's seeing him for the first time. "I just realized how absolutely awful everything is."

Barry blinks and looks around. "Um. I can clean this up in a minute-"

"It's not that."

"I didn't think Abba was that bad?" he tries, bewildered.

Oliver stands, pulling his pants up and helps Barry to his feet. He pulls the other man onto the sofa and seats himself opposite him on the coffee table, knees brushing against each other.

"Barry...this week has been awful," Oliver begins, letting his forehead drop wearily onto their clasped hands. "I'm a college drop out, I ran my family's company to the ground and now I'm trying to run a city when everyone knows Im not qualified. I try to look as though I know what I'm doing but I'm in over my head every day. Thea and Laurel are like my life rafts and Im still just keeping my head above water. Not to mention my night job -

The fatigue of settles into his bones but he ploughs on. "It's been five years and sometimes I feel like I didnt make the slightest bit of difference - no, let me say this - I feel like I'm only damming the flood every night and I'll never be able to stop being the vigilante or live a normal life. I have nightmares that this city will drain me of everything I am until I'm nothing but a shrivelled, bitter old man alone in the shadows with his bow.

"My kid is the one thing that's pure and completely good in my life but I've missed so much of his. I am so mad at Samantha and my Mom for that. But I can barely be there for him, or make his Little League games or bake sales. My parents made a lot of mistakes but at least they were there for me. I cant give even that much to my son because the city is taking everything I have. I'm failing him, Barry."

He only realizes his eyes are wet when Barry brushes the tears away with his thumbs, framing Oliver's face in his hands with an expression of infinite tenderness.

"Oliver," he leans their foreheads together and breathes his name into the space between.

"But that's not it." Oliver draws back, capturing Barry's hands in his own to look up at him, willing him to understand. "I just realized...everything in my life is completely awful - and I am so goddamn happy." He takes a shuddering breath through the lump in his throat and looks his boyfriend the eyes. "Marry me."

Barry looks stunned. "What?"

"Marry me."

Barry stares at him. "I just sang "Dancing Queen" at you and destroyed our kitchen."

"I know. You're awful. And so corny. You look ridiculous in my shirts. You eat so much sugar that watching you gives me toothache. You keep watching the same three musicals over and over when you cant sleep. It's like living with a five year old. I love you. Marry me."

"This is officially the weirdest marriage proposal ever," marvels Barry, still bemused. "I still don't understand where this is coming from. Is it because you had a bad day?"

"It's because I had a bad day," Oliver agrees, "and then I came home to you being...well, you. And then nothing else mattered."

Tears are now shining in Barry's beautiful eyes as well, clinging to his long lashes. "I love you too."

They fall forward into each other as Oliver crushes Barry to him. "Never leave," he pleads into his lover's neck, where the scent of vanilla and batter is spiced with that of ozone and storms. "Stay."

"Yes," Barry clutches him back just as fervently. "I will."

"You will?" He stills, daring to hope.

"Well, no," his boyfriend amends, pulling back. Oliver's face falls. "You have to do it properly."

Barry gestures imperiously at the floor as he looks on in bemusement. "Properly, Oliver," he says sternly and the light of understanding dawns.

"Ahem. Of course." Oliver pulls a mask of solemnity over the exhilaration surging within him. "I don't have a ring though -," he casts around and spots - "Ah, well this'll do."

He takes the one rainbow sprinkle doughnut he had managed to ice which has been miraculously spared the destruction and ceremonially places it on a napkin on his palm. Then he sinks down on one knee in front of his giggling boyfriend.

"Barry Allen," his laughter fades as Oliver looks at him over the colourful confection, heart open in his eyes. "Will you marry me?"

"Yes," the tears that have been shining in Barry's eyes spill over and he wipes them away hazily. "Yes, I will."

He graciously holds out his pinkie for Oliver to slide the doughnut on and bursts out laughing when they kiss. Barry pulls away and starts eating the cake off his finger.

"What are you doing?" exclaims Oliver. "You can't eat your engagement ring!"

"It's my ring," Barry informs him through a sweet mouthful. "I can do what I want."

"What about me? Aren't you gonna share with your fiancé?"

"Remember what I said about the stomach coming first - Oliver, no!" Barry falls off the sofa with a shout of laughter as Oliver lunges at him.

Hours later, the kitchen speed-cleaned, remaining doughnuts salvaged and safely stored, the two of them lie in bed, fed, showered and sated. They are tucked comfortably and tightly in each other's arms, like two neatly fitted pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. There is no ring but their fingers are entwined with each other's in silent promise.

"Barry?" Oliver murmurs into his fiancé's neck.

"Yeah, babe?" Barry nestles further into his arms sleepily.

"You know I love everything about you."

"So you say."

"But can you do something for me?"

"Hmm?"

"Please never mention that song again. Ever."

There is a contemplative silence.

"That's probably for the best."

The End

[deffinitelynobody]

I have depression and i am going to ruin everyones day

Okay, so, a couple of weeks ago I wrote about how I was having some very bad suicidal thoughts and that I was scared about how much I just wanted to do it. In that post, i said that i’ll write about why i was feeling that way and such. so here it is. (note; this how i feel about the situation, it may not be entirely true)

i dont have a job. i havent had one in almost a year and a half at this point, and only 3 months at that. my parents have let me live with them since i graduated highschool, which i am grateful for. but, my dad holds onto his dads view on things: people in the house who make money are in charge, and the people who dont are subserviant to them. so, i end up being talk to in a way that seems to amount to “shut up, i make money, you dont”. which means that he ends up using his dads parenting technique of talking to your kids when they mess up: make them feel like shit, hate themselves, and doubt their worth as a human being. (his dad is worst, and he’s openingly said that he hated how his dad talked to him) unsurprisingly, this is not a good combination. combine this with the state of politics (which my dad has a much higher tolerance for than anyone else in my family), and that two people on my mom’s side have depression (one was my uncle, who DID kill himself, the other is her), and you can see why i have been feeling like absolute shit for the last month.

“well why not get a job” your probably saying. like i said, i had one. and that was the other time in my life that i had suicidal thoughts. not only that, i almost killed myself during that time! i was walking by the road, and this giant truck was moving, and i was just....not there, like if you talked to me, i’d just kinda give very automated responses, and i was just doing the things that popped into my head, and that was one of them (I will be eternally greatful to @kaiserofphyrexia for stopping me when he saw me trying to). thankfully, i lost that job shortly after that, and man let me tell you, it is one of the scariest things ever thinking about going back. the stress of constantly fearing making even the tiniest mistake just ate at me every minute of every day i was there. combine this with the managers were just awful human beings (they expected two people to do the same amount of work as 6 people and screwed us up several times just to make more money), and yeah, i just lost all interest in everything and anything. like, NOTHING helped me feel better. i hated everything cause my life just began to center around going back to work, which made me feel horrible, and i did it so often, and my schedule was completely random each and every week that i couldn’t plan to do anything. the managers didnt like it when you tried to request a day off, and you couldn’t say that your unavailable on a day, so unless i lied and said that it was for religious purposes, i didnt have any reliable day to relax and do the things that help me feel better. so when they told me that they were letting me go (one of them didnt like me to much), i was shocked, but also so releaved. it felt like a massive weight was lifted (cliched, i know) and i felt so much better.

and then the job search to find the next one like it began. and i was so scared to go back. i almost killed myself (or at least, severely injure myself), and from what i understand they were actually pretty tame compared to some of the managers out there, and the work itself didnt bug me too much, just the amount. so i just cant get my self to go back, which is why i asked my parents to help me find a job. my mom cant help to much, so it fell to my dad, and he said “you an adult, you dont NEED help. just go do it” oh yeah, silly me, i forgot that when you turn 18, all your emotions die and you become impervious to negative emotions. how could i forget!

not to mention that, with the amount of times i forget things and mess up. I cant tell you how many times i have to retypes words cause i misspell them (the grammar issues are just the tip of the iceberg). And i keep forgeting how to spell words! for several days this week, i forgot how to spell “choice” (i kept spelling chose). I cant even tell some coins apart (pennies and quarter and thats it), i i’m supposed to adult. i cant talk to my parents about this, cause whenever i’ve talked to my dad about these things, he makes me feel even worse than before. e always demands an explaination from me for why i do somethings, but i dont always have a reason. sometimes i just feel the need to do something or something to be done a certain way for no reason. and i usually realize that i was being an asshat (mentally chastising myself like how my dad does) and feel terrible, and will want to apologize for it. but my dad doesn’t like that and makes me furious beyond words and i just close off from everyone and dont apologize and feel even worse. i have a hard time letting go of things, so this shit just festers and i feel crumby for hours. (theres also the fact that he consistantly quotes “do or do not; there is no try” to me and my brother when asks us to do things, which is why i kinda blew up at a friend when they quoted it to me)

and i just dont feel competent in any way possible, and i need to do something that i could mess up on catastrophically on that could ruin my entire life. and these feelings would be exaggerated.

i began to have these thoughts and feelings when i started thinking on my whole situation, and just....idk. i need help to get job (im still terrified to do so at all), and my dad is one of the people in my life who can help me the most, but he wont cause im an adult, and i need to get him to just help me and respect me, which requires a job, which i need help getting, and he wont help me and respect cause im an adult and [repeat agnosium]. the scariest part to me was the fact there was only to options out, and it was the first time that suicide felt like a very valid option in my life. but i cant put my family through that. again. remember when i said that i had an uncle with depression? yeah, it got him.....almost 6 years ago? that was just one of the worst times of my life, and it just fuck up my family. i dont want to put them through that again. but when i thought about how my dad would feel....i felt a sadistic joy. and that scared me. it was a true and honest to god reason to do it, and it scared me so much.

but i’ve opted for the other way i saw; telling people. inspired by the youtuber jaiden when she talked about her own problems on the matter, ive chosen to share this with my friends (you guys) and my family (whom ill send this to later tonight. ive found that im at my happiest when surrounded by friends, and so ive been really itching lately to just hangout with them. i sorta hate it when i do, cause i usually end up mooching off of them (which is just the cherry on top of this shit cake), but the pros far out way the cons. 

so yeah. it may seem like my dad is a total monster, but he actually isn’t. hes actually one of the best people in my family and im honestly happy hes my dad and that i didnt get his dad instead. he just does things that have exaggerated feelings and that i focus on WAY too much when i get like this. but they are true problems in this whole situation, so i just......yeah. i might be like one of my cousins and just not be mentally equipped to handle a job. she has aspergers/autism, and by all accounts, i am very very autistic, so it is very likely, but i havent had a professional say so or not, so i could just be jumping to conclusions. i’m still gonna try and get at least one more job before i go with that answer to explain things, but it is still a genuine possibility.

i’d like to thank anyone who read this whole fucking monster post. i hated and loved writing it, and it need to be done. the first step to recovery from this is opening up to friends and family. i know at least one person who follows me who not only will read this entire post, but will understand and be concerned, and thats what i need, is my friends and family concerned and wanting to help me.

thank you.

[forethan21]

18/12/2020

To me love isnt about staying in a relationship or dwelling on a feeling. Love to me is bending but not breaking to compromise. It is the kind where you know when to let go in hopes to trust for the best to come, the kind where you empathise, showing vulnerability and completely surrender. (Remember when Jesus died for us in the cross? Diba he gave his all, his everything just so we can live. That should be a standard in our lives. To choose someone who would do anything to just be with us without questioning our worth. Never settle for someone who gives half of their heart. Its all or nothing.) The kind that is mature. Love is what you do despite of what you feel. The kind that fights for the good of someone else even if they never see the value or sacrifice that you did. (Thats what Jesus did. He never complained when he was on the cross. All the pain and burden he endured bc he loves us. And look at us now not even recognising how amazing he is. We took it this life for granted- some of us are wasting it, choosing people for our own accord and pleasure. Im saying this in general im not hinting it on anyone, but if the shoes fits then..) The kind that demands temporary surrender of security, giving up familiar bad habits and patterns, giving unrewarded works and efforts. The kind that challenges you in so many ways. Love wasnt made to be comfortable. It was made to show change and growth.

Not gonna lie tho i loved you for you and everything youve done. Those memories are dear to me bc i knew you tried no matter how difficult it was to love me in some days. Kaya gusto ko lng magpasalamat dun. Likewise, something i learned recently was that we should never question someone elses love for us regardless if it was inadequate. Bc i realised we should be thankful for the amount of love and care we receive from any person out there. Family, friends, lovers. That itself should be enough. Its not up to us how much love they should give to make us feel satisfied. That wouldn’t be love. The greatest love you could ever receive should come from you and the Lord not from anybody else. So i just wanna tell you that i take back those times i questioned your love. Bc what you gave was already enough.

Im sorry i couldnt wait for you to change. Bc i realised if you knew how to love me the very first time I wouldnt need to tell you anything. I wouldnt feel hurt bc im rest assured that you love me enough to know what to do. It didnt feel mutual to me.

When u came bck with your letter idk it seemed like there was something missing. Committment and plans. Maybe i was hoping that youd take me back but i guess it was the opposite. And maybe that was your answer after all. To tell me that you arent staying. I hope next time you go into a relationship po, you dont assume the worst. You dont jump into conclusions when it gets tough. Bc like anything can change if youre willing to do it. You need to trust the the other side will stay. It was the way your mindset was so fixed on the idea that I will leave. That i was making excuses. Ndi pow. I jst have standards. Oo tao ka lng, you make mistakes but how do i know tht youre not gonna make the same mistake again? Im jst protecting my heart po. I guess i dont wanna experience the same trauma again.

I hope someday na you will learn to see the good in people regardless if they did u wrong pow. (idk lng ha pero I dont think youve moved on sa ex mo pow. I feel like you havent fully forgiven her and accepted what has happened. I know it hurts to know that they betrayed you like that but your worth is not defined by them po. You did your best po and if she did not recognised that then thats her loss. This is partly what keeps u holding bck. Bc u didnt get closure. I hope you reflect on that and find the closure that you need po. Dont tell me you dont need one bc i know deep in your heart that it still hurts. Like bruh the fact na sure na sure ka na sa kanya u were ready to put a ring on her finger. You were hopeful and certain. I think it was meant to happen to test you both in your worst. You had your mistakes. She had hers. Dont you think you should close tht chapter of your life before starting a new one? Or more importantly, dont you think you deserve peace? Ill leave you to think bout tht). I wasnt trying to find something wrong jst to let you go. If i did i wouldnt put myself in a situation where I will lose my friends po.

Ethan i understand you. I understand your fear of giving too much to someone who youre unsure of and thats fine. But you need to accept the consequences of your mistakes. You need to take responsibility of it and what you couldve done to fix it. (Reflection is very important.) Youre not wrong for not knowing that but again you need to reflect in every situation in your life. It doesnt matter if you were right or wrong. Its important to do this bc the next time it will happen to you, you will know what to do. reflecting really helps you to step back and understand yourself, other people and the surroundings. It helps with analysing your own feelings, emotions and as well as understanding the depth of your own thinking. You need to consider other people’s feelings too. Understand their point of view and why they did things that way. 

I told you yesterday that what happened in the past does not define you. You may have done them so wrong but i hope your realise youre not in debt to them. I remember your story about what you did to the girl. Yung trauma mo sa kanya you gotta let it go pow. You dont need to blame yourself every day for something that youve no control of. You did it out of anger. and she threatened you bc she has her personal issues as well. She was showing wat kind of person she was. It does not put a label on u. So far as I know you havent apologised to urself for what had happened and u havent forgiven her for what shes done. Whenever youre mad po dont let your emotions get the best of you. Give space and time. Step back from the situation and reflect. count to ten and reorganise your thoughts and feelings. What happened? what made me feel that way? what can i do to fix this? 

The way i see it lng ha pero it felt like youre pitying yourself. And i want o reassure you that i recognised all you did to keep this relationship. The fights where you communicated with me, the times where you waited for me to explain, the support you give, and how you made me happy each single day. What youve done until this day is enough. I cant emphasise it enough. Ndi ko yun binalewala lahat. I saw your effort. Thats why i fought for u. Bc alam ko ndi ka ganun na tao. Kc alam ko na they have perceived you wrong. I saw the good in you. I saw that youre worthy of change. Everyone does pow. That was the purpose of it all.

But ldr is frickin hard. Being in a relationship is difficult enough let along ldr. Jst thinking about the amount of trust u hav for ur partner dang.. you need to fully invest on trust yo. How to overcome and resolve issues esp if theyre like me haha. Its hard for sure to do tht kc even ako may trust issues but it is possible. But as of now theres many areas in your life that you need to fix alone. Im not saying that im right ha. I could be wrong in so many areas about you that idk of but this is based on knowing you for months. im not saying you have a problem internally cuz we all have problems po What im saying is that there are some things we need to learn from others as well. Its a matter of listening and comprehending what theyre tryna relay and teach u.

Also asking for help isnt a weakness. (Idk but i cud feel you were mad that I reached out to your mother. Bro i know na kaya mo nman maging independent and i know na ayaw mo lng maburden yung parents mo with your problems on top of theirs but its gud that alam din nla ang anak nla is struggling and needs emotional support.) Its realising that we are deserving to feel and be emotionally supported. so dont ever feel bad for reaching out and admitting that youre struggling. after all were only human.

Though i never said anything i lowkey promised that I would not give up on you (sinsabi ko sa sarili ko to) bc i wanted to show you what its like for someone to stay. You told me about your past and struggles and i did everything i can for that not to happen again. You told me what broke your heart and I nver wanted you to feel anything like that in the relationship. More like i ensured that my intentions for you are pure. But somewhere along the way i came to realise that we both need to grow seperately. Not bc i gave up on you but bc i decided to think about myself and what i needed. I dont wanna text you and talk to u bc i respect you that much to know that this isnt the right time for both of us.

Being the way i am right now is for the best. Were both healing and getting the peace we need. God knows what Hes doing with us and i keep you in my prayers at night. Maybe someday down the line well meet again, at the right time. God will decide tht for us but for now ill be supportive of you in the silence. I dont wanna be civil cuz i know itll jst hurt you more esp since you have strong feelings for me. Dont worry my love for you will remain unconditional. But one thing i cant promise tho is that idk if my love for u will stay. We dont know what the future will bring. We may find our happiness in diff places. We may find it together. But all i know is i trust God to dictate my life. Thank you Ethan. Kahit paano i felt your unconditional love din. You can text me anytime if you need anything. Ill be here nman pow.

[harfblarf]

more rick and morty nonsense-- this time, rest and ricklaxation

i havent seen any posts outright pointing this out so: we know that toxic morty contains a lot of morty’s insecurity-- “I don’t want to be on camera I’m ugly”, “my voice is annoying”, so on-- and that he’s scared he’s gonna be in hell, but he also outright states that he "just want[s] to die”. Also that he’s in pain. 

Other things Toxic Morty says:

“I believe you” to Rick, with no hesitation-- Morty’s occasional blind faith in his grandpa is viewed as toxic? Healthy Morty certainly doesn’t just play along with Rick’s ideas

“*screams*”-- panic

“yes rick, i-i agree rick”-- stutter, capitulation, submission, avoiding confrontation

“i think my voice is annoying” in response to rick asking what morty thinks of him discovering electricity-- vaguely self-centered in a depressive way?

“i dont like confrontation”-- yeah no kidding

“i-i dont like this, this is scary” fear, aversion to violence

“i’m a piece of shit but I got the tank” obedient, self-hating

leans on dash much like healthy morty did, looking resigned

“jesus christ it hurts”-- unlike healthy morty makes no effort to reassure others

Toxic Rick :

“you can die when I say so”-- controlling

“why am I bragging about that, I have nothing to prove”-- insecurity

“I’m surrounded by inferior pieces of shit and--” *looks at morty* LOOK IM NOT SAYING HE DOESNT VIEW MORTY AS AN INFERIOR PIECE OF SHIT I’M JUST SAYING THERES AN IMPLICATION THAT IM CHOOSING TO READ INTO. YES HE FINISHED WITH ‘TOXINS’ BUT COME ON that pause tho

hey where did toxic rick get fucking glass test tubes

*destructive tendencies*

“I’m gonna rip your throat--”-- violent boi

“you little sociopath/okay shut up morty”-- considers healthy morty a sociopath, doesn’t want to listen to morty talking about people hating him (did not shut him up previously, only now)

“don’t negotiate with that little turd, you’re the rick, you need to show dominance!” insecurity, desire for control at any cost

angry when his plan goes downhill, angry about remerging

“I got a lot more use out of that thing than he ever did” considers his sexuality a toxic thing, bound to his anger and irrational attachments?

“fuck you summer” no respect, no apology

“alright fuck this time for plan b”, but leaves beth alone

fucking throws healthy morty out of the ship. not his morty, not his problem, i guess?

brags at a very uncomfortable toxic morty

“trapped in your brain... with delusions”

“relax, quit your bitching, you’re gonna be fine... grandpa’s here”-- that same arrogance that makes him call himself a god, is what assures him that he can help toxic morty

“just do it you piece of shit!” angry but resigned to the only solution he can see (small picture)

Healthy Morty:

“mind if i put on some music?”-- considerate, nonpresumptive

the whole “one song a day” thing-- optimistic, planning, looking to the future

“if anyone could [calculate happiness], Rick”-- deep respect for Rick, respect for intelligence, flattery

“thanks rick. I love you”-- affection for his grandpa, appreciation

“if we’re all bored, wouldn’t the common denominator be you?” this is a clever joke, but it’s mean. cleverness/humor is prized above consideration and kindness

“I knew you could” and the rest of this montage-- uh so Healthy Morty provides the confidence Normal Morty is missing to a bunch of people. if that’s not symbolism idk what is; plainly Morty considers supporting and helping people Healthy

“*doesnt react to being called a loser, not even to deny it*” I wonder if this is like, self-acceptance

suave but still in an awkward way? like he drops a pickup line on jessica with an awkward forced laugh

“happy to help rick”-- but no surprise, no real emotion. like it’s forced

“bad phone, chuck it”-- acceptance of simple answers

“if something’s worth saying, it’s worth eye contact”-- considers reliance on technology unhealthy? interesting especially considering his interactions with Rick and all his tech

“you shouldn’t have to deal with that, man”-- curiously, despite making it his job to stop other people from being in pain (helping all his schoolmates), he advises against helping the Toxins

“I think i know what to do. *snaps phone in half*” destruction of property, choosing simple solutions

“things are good... taking that away from me? that wouldn’t be healthy.” manipulation, selfishness, self-preservation

“world’s greatest grandpa, for reals” more manipulation

awkward chattering, spouting shallow wisdom

“pronounce it however you want, words are just things” lack of judgement

“please, thank you, we’re having a conversation”-- shoos away the waiter to make jessica less awkward, being rude to the waiter in the process. singleminded, simplistic solutions

extended metaphor of jessica to a planet, including some like very specific shit, “what’s the equator, what are the holidays”

“talk to me.” demanding, assertive

really... loud? and aggressive, and awkward and emotive; very little self-control

lacking attachments, passions, “life is a highway”, “no sparks no damage”

...really long metaphors with stacey too. u ok morty?

“bad parts of us, which includes our dishonesty” (emphasis mine); morty has no question that deceit is bad. of course, that’s what a manipulative little shit who believes in lying “for good reason” would say, too, so.

stacey will “do anything for you morty”? weird, probably more evidence of his manipulation. quickly earned her devotion

“kill him rick!” morty considers his violence and willingness to retaliate “healthy”

bites toxic morty-- willing to use unfair/dirty fighting techniques just like toxic rick did

also grinning while he attacks him

casually stops and leans on the dash, blank-faced, when beth appears. again, no passion, no emotion at all

also healthy morty was in the driver’s seat and only settled once he was in control

“we gotta stop him”

the one to explain why Healthy Rick shot Toxic Morty again

“you’re a better man than me Rick, I’m healthy enough to admit that”-- healthy morty to regular rick. what does it say that both toxic and healthy morty view rick as superior? man, that’s kinda fucked, even if healthy morty’s actions here are totes dickish

“have I ever lied to you? that’s right, and ask around, I never do” manipulaaaaaation

uses jessica as yet another extended metaphor

draws attention, revels in it, offers falsely specialized attention to people to earn and keep their affection (the wink, the friendliness with “dwayne”)

“red pill or blue pill”

“totally understand dwayne, you’re the boss”, then cuts to... jargon that makes his coworkers happy. i strongly suspect at least part of a lie here, or an omission of truth

the boy is really obsessed with organic carrots, who knows why

“is that how long it takes for rick to trace my location” but he’s smiling, not scowling, he’s... at best amused, at worst unbothered, i guess?

“you miss someone that loved you so much you never had to love ‘em back” holy shit morty

“you didn’t hang up”--”huh. how ‘bout that.” then to surprise into mild consternation when the fucking voltron drones show up

“do what you gotta do”-- despite not wanting it, recognizes the inevitability of rick getting him to remerge

apparently healthy morty told his girlfriend that he was “capitalizing on his lack of conscience by becoming a stockbroker”. interesting

Healthy Rick:

“heheh, this universe”-- considers the universe impressive/beautiful/awe-inspiring (compare to ‘the universe is a crazy chaotic place’)

“that is an interesting concept... listen to me, trying to calculate happiness over here”-- respectful of others’ ideas, still brilliant and trying to improve on them, recognizing that math/science isn’t the solution to everything

“here’s something no science could measure: i’m real proud to be your grandpa, morty”-- pride in his grandson, acknowledging the limits of science

“morty, a moment of your time?”-- so polite hot damn

“what if the toxic parts of us have their own identities-- their own will to live?”-- inherent respect for the value of life

“i’m accountable to my toxins”-- considers responsibility and facing it healthy

“locked ‘em in a cage *hits it while smiling as toxic rick swears*” my guy what the fuck; theoretical emotion, no actual immediate empathy

upset, sad about toxic rick’s deception

“sorry summer” considerate, apologetic

“summer get out of here, go”

“we can resolve our issues, we don’t need to resort to over-the-top--”

“just leave her out of this”

“it’s okay girls, i’m so sorry” takes the time to be reassuring and apologetic when danger is still afoot for the world, offers to cook??

“not our right to stop them”

“your morty”/”i know you give a shit dummy, because I know I don’t”-- i think this is again about “not my morty not my problem”, and that Healthy Rick doesn’t care about Toxic Morty

“merge with me and you’ll know how to save him”... except once they merge there is no saving him, is there? just preservation to merge him with Healthy Morty

“I had all my problems removed-- my entitlement, my narcissism, my crippling loneliness, my irrational attachments” -- things healthy rick considers unhealthy are identified, but he’s still doing this in part because healthy morty insisted it was the right choice, and he’s still proud to be morty’s grandpa

“you’re literally incapable of seeing the bigger picture” so large-scale thinking is considered healthy?

“if i ever gave you the wheel, we’d be dead in five minutes” and isn’t that true, because toxic rick is willing to sacrifice himself for morty, and is too arrogant to think anyone is a threat to him? he would get morty AND himself killed if toxic rick was always in charge. no, letting toxic rick guide him is inevitable, but being controlled by him is unacceptable

Regular Rick: 

“man i really overthink shit when I’m angry”

“now it’s time we re-merge your little ass” interestingly his priorities were a) fix planet (what morty asked him to do), b) remerge morty (save toxic morty)

“that kid is a real piece of shit” (about healthy morty only)

“part of me really wanted to [save you], toxic morty. part of me really wanted to.” 

“tiny american psycho”

“kept asking ‘did you get a new morty yet?’“/”because you kept drunk-dialing me and crying about it!”/”I WASN’T CRYING” /in the background “I didn’t care” (what a liar)

Conclusion: as funny as most of this episode is, it strikes me that what Rick considers unhealthy, Morty considers healthy. Healthy Morty is violent, lacking a conscience, manipulative, domineering, sexual, and lacking in passion and attachments (he does, after all, abandon his family, not just Rick, for three weeks). Yes, he’s also less of a coward, not suicidal, and helpful, but compare to Healthy Rick. Healthy Rick is similarly lacking in passion and attachments, but he’s nonviolent, honest, less arrogant and less willing to impose his will on the world, nonsexual, and calm. Everything Healthy Rick isn’t, Healthy Morty is. It’s a fascinating insight into how Rick’s lies and denial are fucking up Morty’s perception of what is “healthy” and what isn’t. He has come to view violence, foul play, manipulation, lack of emotion/conscience, and dominance as valuable skills, even necessities, instead of the shameful attributes Rick views them as.