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siriuslylantsov · 16 hours ago

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mistletoe

pairing: spencer reid x reader

description: in which you and spencer decorate your apartment for christmas.

tags: fluff, roommate!spencer, gn!reader, idiots in love, pinning, decorating!, spencer lifts reader up super quick, reader teases spencer bcs its fun, a little singing.

a/n: woahhh first christmas fic. MY BAD i listened to our love by curtis harding when i wrote majority of this so it just became what it did (not rlly sure what that is). you'd think a reader fond of christmas would only be playing christmas songs (esp when decorating), but she doesn't even?? idk guys. also i gave a hack making a header for this one, might continue making them. anyway lmk what you think, happy reading :))

wc: 1.7k

“tacky, tacky, tacky...” you drone, fingers skimming over the themed trinkets and signs on the shelves. you’re christmas decor shopping with spencer. it's almost the end of november, which you personally think is too late (being a strict ‘christmas starts on november 1st’ believer), but you had no choice in the matter, wanting to wait for spencer's schedule to free up so you could go together.

“oh cute!” you chirp, picking up a porcelain snoopy with a santa hat on. you show it to spencer, who trails behind you with a sparsely filled cart. “beside the-”

“tv,” he finishes for you, nodding in agreement. you place it in the cart and continue walking down the aisle.

“i hope you’re checking the price tags,” he muses from behind you, scanning over all the items. you shoot him a look paired with an unconvincing “yeah.”

“be serious,” he says, though a little amused.

“i am,” you step closer to him, meeting his somewhat challenging gaze. you try to hold your ground but something about the way his eyes crinkle at the corners as he squints at you makes you want to look away. “fine, i'll look over everything before check out. deal?”

he smiles, victorious. “deal.” he holds out his hand and you give it a firm shake before continuing your perusing.

you spend the next 2 hours like that, complaining about the abundance of generic things and squealing when you do find something nice. in the end, settling on an assortment of baubles, to add on to the ones you already had from last year, a new green blanket, a mulled-wine scented candle (that took you way too long to pick), the snoopy ornament, and 2 matching mugs which you had to sweet talk spencer into buying. you can never have too many mugs.

˗ˏˋ ♡ ˎˊ˗

you light the new candle and set it on the dining table, briefly glancing at the flame. the warmth on your face feels nice but you pull away quickly, knowing that if spencer catches you that close to the candle, he’ll chastise you about the fumes.

he's digging through the closet for last year's decorations. the tree is already up–7ft something–tucked in the corner of the living room, bare and in dire need of some personality. he finds the box, and you pull out the fairy lights, starting to swirl the wire from the top down, spencer opposite you to help.

music faintly plays from your speaker, so you turn it up, landslide by fleetwood mac.

you circle around the tree with a handful of baubles, a collection of reds and whites, hanging them up where they felt right. spencer nudges you for approval on a few placements and you give him a reassuring smile. the two of you move in sync, on either end. he places a custom ornament of his team somewhere to the front of the tree. when you put up the last of the new ones, you take a step back and give it a good look. happy, spencer hands you the star. he hovers two tentative hands under your arms, over your rib cage, to lift you. there’s a stool near you that would’ve been perfectly fine, but you wiggle in his grasp anyway, telling him he can. despite his lanky frame, he picks you up with ease. you place the gold topper on firmly. when he puts you down you lean back into him, swaying. you hum quietly to the music. he presses his lips into your hair, lingering, before pulling away. you instantly miss his warmth, but you don't dwell on it, why should you?

the click of the kettle sounds from the kitchen, he's probably making tea. you think to tell him to use the new mugs, but he already knows. you're still swaying, head dipping up and down as you move across the room. you look through the box for more things to decorate with when your eyes land on a sprig of artificial leaves held together with a red bow.

“hey, when did we get mistletoe?” you call out, hoping your voice carries to the adjoining room.

“hmm?” he pokes his head through the door, looking at the item in your hand. “oh... penny got it for us last year, didn't put it up though.” he explains before returning to the tea, you put it in your pocket for later. you were well aware of what his teammates thought of you, or rather you and him. over the course of the 2 years you lived with spencer, you’d been taken to their family dinners and get-togethers as his plus one, never a girlfriend or a date, you. they ceased their relentless teasing for your benefit, but you knew spencer got the brunt of it when you weren't around. they mean well, they’re just annoying, he told you after you met them for the first time.

you saunter over, ready to tease him. you can't help but want to, he's just so easy. plus, you think it's endearing when he's flustered. “you wanna put it up?” you ask with a smirk, leaning against the kitchen counter.

“what! oh- i don't know, no- uhm- well i don't mean no like it would be bad a bad thing- i just mean–” he stammers nervously, eyes wide and slightly panicked, before you cut him off with a laugh.

“calm down, pretty. i'm just joshin’ ya.”

he lets out a sigh of relief, though it's laced in hidden disappointment. he wouldn't mind if you put it up, wouldn't mind at all. he hands you your mug, navy with little yellow speckles that resembled stars. with his own in hand, he leads you out of the kitchen.

you settle on the couch beside each other. your shoulder lightly bumps against his in steady beats because you're still swaying, as you blow at your drink. worried about you spilling he peels it from you and sets it down on the arm rest to cool on its own. your knee is bouncing now as the next song starts playing, our love.

“there's a girl in town and words gone around she's just fine,” you sing quietly, head dropping onto his shoulder. “so i don't worry my head cause i know her heart is tied to mine.” you tip back onto the cushions, and you raise a dramatic hand to your chest, over your heart. “the life that we live and the love that i give to her. each day it grows more and more i'm sure, it shows. well,” you shift to face him, leaning closer.

“our love, is a bubblin' fountain. our love, that flows into a sea. our love, deeper than any ocean. our love, for eternity.”

you quiet as the second verse starts playing, switching to mouthing the lyrics instead. you look at him with a reverie, head tilted in observation, that makes him nervous. “…he holds me down for sure.” in diligent self-sabotage, he combats this by starting to sing along with you, putting his mug down beside yours, effectively ending the moment as you spring in recognition.

your eyebrows furrow in amusement as you follow suit, planting your hands on his shoulders to move his in tow with yours. the angle is awkward, and he looks a little silly as he does it but it's fine. the chorus plays through and you tire, dipping your head back into his shoulder as he returns your mug to you, albeit still quietly mumbling the lyrics.

you practically chug the tea, having reached an ideal temperature. spencer sits sipping slowly, a serial sipper. you curl into his side in the meantime, arm looped through his. after several minutes, he finishes and you take both mugs to the sink, rinsing them swiftly.

you slowly but surely continue decorating. two stockings adorned with your initials hang from the key rack in the hallway. handmade paper snowflakes are stuck to the window, snowflakes that had you and spencer hunched over in concentration on the floor a few nights ago, tediously cutting away. you go back and forth on whether the tinsel would go well with the tree, realising all it missed was something sparkly, you wrap it around. spencer nails a simple wreath on the front door, there's a little purple bow on it. snoopy is placed in the midst of the trinkets that sat at your tv table–good choice, you think. you change out the pillowcases on the couch for ones with a red flannel pattern and throw the new blanket across the back.

the space is perfect, standing in the middle of the room you take a deep breath. waxy candle scented greatness fills your senses, and somehow pine? from the wreath you assume. it's dimly lit, and the low light reflects off the sparkles on the tree gracefully. you wish you had a fireplace during times like this, you take a picture to preserve it anyway.

you leave to change into your pyjamas, quickly so the cold doesn't linger on your skin. when you return to the living room you find spencer on the couch, a book perched in his lap. you come up to the back, mistletoe that you fished out of your pocket in hand. you crouch behind him, a little to his right, with the leaves dangling over his head. you graze it lightly on his hair and he looks up. his eyes widen slightly in realisation, but he doesn't try to move, he's intently still. with an amused huff, you lean in and kiss his cheek softly. he's still frozen in place, so as to prolong whatever's happening, a flush spreading across his face. you lean back and drop the sprig into the seat beside him.

“goodnight spencer,” you whisper, suddenly timid. he touches his fingers to the area as you walk away.

˗ˏˋ ♡ ˎˊ˗

a few hours later, he walks into your room, quietly padding across the floor, to your side of the bed. he made the mistake of drinking a cup of coffee a few minutes after you left and now, he can't sleep, naturally. he bends and presses a kiss to your forehead, in some kind of implied reciprocation. you don't feel it, you don't even stir, but for now, that's alright with him.

he’ll put the mistletoe up, maybe in the doorway to the kitchen. and hope to god you both find yourselves under it at the same time.

m.list | comments and reblogs are appreciated :)

#spencer reid #criminal minds #spencer reid fluff #fluff #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid fic #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x you #spencer reid x y/n #spencer reid one shot #spencer reid imagine #criminal minds fanfic #criminal minds fanfiction #christmas

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lichenes · 1 day ago

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Hi, could you do a young silco x nb! reader where they have been friends for years and have been pinning HARD on each other, and one of them(your choice idk who) over hears the other talking about how they feel, and basically, they are kinda forced into confessing...that kinda leads to smut with feelings..pleasethankyouso

Silco falls to his knees for you in this one btw. Just so you know. Tried to write the smut as gn as possible!! CW: vanilla sex?? nothing wild ig, no reader genitals mentioned, gn!reader, silco and reader being oblivious wc: 838 . * 　　 ✦ . 　⁺ 　 .⁺ 　　 ˚ . * 　　 ✦ . 　⁺ 　 .⁺ 　　 ˚. * 　　 ✦ . 　⁺ 　 .⁺ 　　 ˚. * 　　 ✦ . 　⁺ 　 .⁺ 　　 ˚. * 　　 ✦ . 　⁺ 　 .⁺ 　　 ˚

You stretched your body walking into the bar part of The Last Drop. “Morning.” You said to Vander who was preparing the bar for opening. “It ain’t quite morning anymore, luv.” You looked at the clock which displayed 7:30pm on the dot. “I couldn’t sleep all night...” You said still blinking back sleep from your eyes.

“Your shift starts in half an hour, by the way.” Said Silco appearing seemingly out of nowhere. “Clients don’t show up until like 10, relax.” You mused, a bit startled by his sudden presence, nevertheless happy he was there.

You were dressed in your usual work clothing, nothing special, just a pair of slacks, a loosely fitted dress shirt and an apron meant to keep the uniform at least partially clean. You were wiping down the tables before more of the guests arrived, final touches as Vander liked to call it. You were the only person serving food and cleaning tonight so you had your hands full.

Silco felt cornered. Mesmerised - he was mesmerised by you. Sitting at the bar and nursing a glass of whatever was cheapest, he purposefully ignored you. Were he to pay you any mind, he would go insane. Not an hour ago did he overhear you confessing your infatuation with him to your coworker.

“Okay, who is it then?” Said the newest addition to the staff. He didn’t mean to eavesdrop… truly, he was just about to ask you something menial when he heard his name being spoken. It rolled off your tongue with such adoration when you were sure he wasn’t listening. “I’ve got my eye on Vander…” Commented the girl.

“Not my type.” Silcos heart beat faster. “You fancy Silco?” You hummed affirmatively, creating a memory for him, he was sure he’d never forget.

Vander waved his hand in front of Silco’s face, waking him up from the daydream. “You alright?” Silco’s face didn’t give away the whirlwind of emotions he was going through right in this moment. Although, he had slightly more colour in his face. “Yeah- listen.” He beckoned him closer. The bar, despite being quite loud, didn't offer enough privacy to say such things at full volume.

“They said they fancy me.” Vander looked at him in disbelief. He then chuckled. “What, like you didn’t know?” Silco’s face went pale. He grabbed the bar’s edge. “Mate, everyone in the undercity knows this. The whole, you know, back and forth you lot have going on.”

Silco stood up. He was a calculated man. His actions were meticulous. Years of yearning. Months of planning a confession and that’s how he finds out the love of his life actually reciprocates his feelings!? He wasn’t following a script or a plan. “I need to find them. Now.”

You were taking your break in the back when Silco burst through the door. You smiled at him and just when you were about to greet him he closed the door and ran up to you. “Silco?” You questioned his erratic behaviour.

“...for years, and it feels like he doesn’t notice it!”

He smashed his lips into your own ones cradling both your cheeks as he lowered himself to the floor, finishing his descent on his knees. You reciprocated the kiss, craning your head down so that he could stay close to you.

You enjoyed the moment as much as you could, afraid it was to flee as soon as you separated.

When you did, you put your foreheads together. Laughing slightly you looked at him and caressed his cheek with your thumb. “Took you long enough.” He then felt it, the hunger he suppressed for so many years. He dove back in, greedier than before. You moaned in surprise but welcomed it nevertheless.

You battled for dominance for a moment, in the end he won. There never was questioning it. “I need you.” You managed to get out.

“I’ll make you need me even more.”

You were resting your back on the door of the room which was locked to prevent people from interrupting your tryst. Silco had one of your legs propped on his hip, holding onto the neighbouring cabinet was the other thing keeping you upright.

He was thrusting into you with vigour that was making you go cross eyed. Your arms around his neck were only adding to the experience, you needed him closer, right here - right now is all that counted.

You saw white when he put his cold hands onto your most sensitive spot. A few circles is what got you to the edge and his blissed out words spilling from his lips - ‘come for me’ - for me. You’d do anything for him at this moment.

And so you followed his instruction, causing his own orgasm after your own. He put his head on your shoulder when you both were basking in the afterglow. You brushed his bangs out of his face. His eyes were twinkling.

“Tell Vander he needs to find a replacement for you tonight, I need you all to myself.”

. * 　　 ✦ . 　⁺ 　 .⁺ 　　 ˚ . * 　　 ✦ . 　⁺ 　 .⁺ 　　 ˚. * 　　 ✦ . 　⁺ 　 .⁺ 　　 ˚. * 　　 ✦ . 　⁺ 　 .⁺ 　　 ˚. * 　　 ✦ . 　⁺ 　 .⁺ 　　 ˚ masterlist

#x reader #writing #fluff #smut #silco #arcane silco #smut and fluff #silco x reader #silico x reader #silico arcane #silico #arcane #silco arcane #arcane season 2

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perenlop · 3 months ago

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okay so as a gen 5 stan who does adore the story in bw and bw2, and now that gen 5 has experienced both a vicious hatedom that wouldnt hear a single positive thing about the games, and now a super protective fandom that insists they were perfect and had zero flaws... can we admit now that the bw1 story at least was. a little mid.

#just a little. just a little.#i am saying this as someone who adores it and loves the characters a lot #...... but good god team plasma kinda sucks ass as an evil organization #bw2 is sorta better about them with the split factions but in the first game theyre so obnoxious and come across as strawmen #the game talks about how the world is nuanced and not black and white and its not good to take extreme sides #but then. it sorta does that with the protagonists? by refusing to talk about abused pokemon that werent hurt by team plasma?#obviously they are wrong. the game hammers it in with a mallet. but is it really nuanced if our stance is ''ha ha thats silly''#and yeah groups like plasma exist irl but like. as someone who cares abt animal rights and stuff a lot. i feel like they fumbled it here #the answer shouldnt have been ''well ig some pokemon get hurt. we wont talk about them though. watch the grunt kick a munna''#it shouldve been about animal welfare. like maybe instead of becoming assistant professor; bianca couldve become a nurse joy #or she couldve joined some organization that rescues and rehabilitates pokemon from abusive trainers. maybe the reformed plasma from bw2 #and before someone goes ''erm its a kids game they cant do that :/ thats too complicated'' first of all- the anime showed a malnourished te #tepig #kids can handle a bit of text next to a skittish lillipup thats like ''its scared of humans'' or something and its being cared for by someo #someone''#plus the side games were tackling much heavier shit at this point #also again they were apparently fine with a grunt kicking a munna and bragging about how he loves doing that so.#like even as a kid i felt like that scene was really over the top and stupid #team plasma feels less like an attempt to do commentary on harmful animal rights ideas that lead to ecofascism and dont care abt the animal #true needs #and more like gamefreak read a lot of obnoxious critical pokemon posts like ''lmao training is like dogfighting'' and ''this promotes anima #abuse!'' and just made a strawman out of those people. and like i agree thats all stupid but it sorta hurts the message of the game #that the world is very nuanced and taking extremes is bad and reductive.#and this isnt getting into poor story and gameplay integration and other stuff like underutilized characters (you know exactly who i mean)#idk. again i still adore the story and have a huge soft spot for it. but i think the only reason people say its perfect is out of defensive #defensiveness and not having engaged with a ton of video game stories. and pokemon stories not being fantastic in general #like i think pla is better put together story wise than this game and its got less going on than this #echoed voice

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sherlock-is-ace · 7 months ago

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watched the first ep of Dead Boy Detectives today, did anyone also think the dialogue was a bit clunky?

I don't mean it was unwatchable or anything i just feel like it didn't feel realistic the way they introduced the characters and world... It felt like the dialogue was for the viewer instead of an in character thing. We were gonna be introduced to a viewer surrogate within the first few minutes, there was no need to have the characters who already know how the show's world works spell it out for nobody... and then explain it again when Crystal showed up? idk it felt like something I would write (not a complient) 😅

#the line ''we have to hide from death... or she'll get us'' was ridiculous #do you think the boy that's been escaping death since 1919 or whatever doesn't know?!#''we have to hide'' was enough the viewer can put 2 and 2 together and deduce it's bad if death sees them #to then minnutes later have them explain to crystal why they have to hide from death again...#just let the characters adress the camera if you wanna spell it out so easily #or you know... trust that the viewer is intelligent enough to wait 2 minutes for an explanation?#it was mostly just that first few mins of the first ep i think #i didn't pick up on anything else that trully bothered me #but idk it felt condecending dkjfghkdfg or simply badly written #which it was a bit of a let down to have it as a very first impression #i guess i went in thinking sandman and got like idk generic teen show #in the dialogue alone btw i actually really like the characters and the premise is awesome!#it just cuaght me by surprise #maybe it because i'm also watching fallout and the dialogue on that is like very well done and everything is a hint for something later #so i'm comparing it idk #anyways... is it just me? or was it actually clunky?#(don't spoil it past ep 1 pls)#angel talks #dead boy detectives #really liking it so far tho!

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jnpje · 9 months ago

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hey. um. i love him

#O_O i really love him #it's getting warmer every day and i can't draw him in a sweater for much longer #by the way. is this site going to. yknow. die #sigh........i kept telling myself I'd get better at it one day #kind of like the way i tell myself i can get together courage to speak up but i never do #using another website just sounds so depressing #im not good at social media. im tired of pretending like i can get good at it #but you can't even pretend like you can jump into a conversation if no one is having a conversation #i wanted to be part of a community here but i never could figure out what belonging looked like or how i could do it #and maybe it's my fundamental misunderstanding of that that prevents it but how can i understand it without experience #I'm so jealous of everyone who looks like they achieved what i couldn't even put my finger on. but since i didn't even understand it #i can't even be sure what exactly im jealous of #the other day i walked past a trio of friends and they had their arms around each other and were laughing as they walked #and i felt really strongly that even though I've always wanted a friend like that I'm actually fundamentally incompatible with that.#there's several reasons #but it made me feel really sad. but it made me feel a little better too. i guess it's really not my fault. maybe. i don't really know #in that moment it felt very much like something that was not my fault. and it was nice and sad at the same time #idk what's going to happen here. but one thing i know for sure is that i can have a happy tomorrow. no matter what #no matter what i have to give up on. i can find joy in other things. even in myself #and if there's one idea that he is about. it's that one

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found--family · 8 months ago

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am i the only one who sensed some jilted lover vibes from jensen?

#burcon #cockles #thoughts #at the start of the panel and through a few particular interactions he seemed very standoffish #he was giving a little bitter and hurt and perhaps even resentful - maybe he only learned of misha's gf #at this con too! maybe it was news to him. on top of not seeing misha for months i can understand #if he was feeling a bit neglected and out of the loop. there's also the matter of misha's gf not being #in a poly thing with jensen and dee like vicki was ie. what she has with misha is seperate so i'm sure #that's another difficult thing to deal with knowing their time together is strictly separate #i've no doubt he wants misha to have a partner and be happy but there's an adjustment period #letting new people into your life and whoever misha's partner is now or in the future is going to #affect jensen on a personal level and moreover his relationship with misha. it's all very intriguing #and while i like what little i've seen and heard about this woman for misha i just think no matter who #she is it's going to take a toll on jensen's relationship w misha. i thought it was plain to see on jensen's face #during their panel: numerous moments where he was giving a poker face that wasn't covering a laugh #but instead like he was trying to smooth out his bitterness. or so my eyes and brain and heart tell me.#just various moments where things looked uncomfortable and jensen making off-colour jokes that didn't land #and which furthermore were barbed and snarky - not in their usual banter way but like he was lashing out #and using the excuse of chaotic panel convo to explain away his comedic pitfalls. but again maybe i'm #looking to much into it? idk. there are some lovely moments! fun and caring moments - but they #mainly came from misha's direction ngl. it seemed like misha was trying hard to keep the peace #while jensen was just running his mouth on comments and jokes that kept not landing - for me #everyone on my dash is loving their dynamic this panel - and i want to feel that love! it is possible that #learning misha has a gf has skewed my perception a little like i'm putting context onto moments #i otherwise wouldn't. but i also think i would've laughed and generally felt better watching their panel #if that was the case. idk. whatever the reason i do think something was OFF between them on stage #and it was coming from jensen from the start. misha picked up on it partway though but things felt #a little strained throughout. like jensen wasn't looking at misha as much as usual or reaching out for him #misha tried to salvage and not react to things. but both their answers to the last Q were passive aggressive af #and when they left the stage together they weren't close or touching or chatting like they usually are...

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welcometogrouchland · 8 months ago

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Also in the replies of the Steph concept art on twitter announcing she was gonna be in a new project at DC (posted by Travis Mercer), there were at least 3 comments saying "will Tim be there?" I don't care how hard you ship timsteph I'm exploding you with my eyeballs if you do that on my girls post again

#ramblings of a lunatic #taking a step back to acknowledge that my stanning may be getting overzealous #but then again I'm not in ppls quotes or replies I'm vagueing on an entirely different website with no relevant tags. it could be worse #anyway I know tims had it rough these past couple of months ever since zdarsky shifted focus of the batman title to have less tim #but it still feels. idk. just a wee bit uninspired to act like steph can't go two steps without tim being behind her #im ngl i like timsteph when they're cute but timsteph twitter has been. pissing me off a tad lately #the refusal to acknowledge the sexism in dixons robin run and how it impacts stephs writing and their relationships writing #the refusal to acknowledge tims occasional condescension and hypocrisy when it comes to stephs vigilantism #seemingly only wanting her to be spoiler when he wants her around and telling her to give it up most of the time #also the constant disrespect of stephs batgirl era on there weirdly enough?#I've harped on about this on main and in drafts but despite it's flaws it's a good turn for stephs character #she's the focus she gets development (an upward trajectory! which had previously been unheard of for her! bc she did have flaws as spoiler-#-its just that both writers and characters alike seemed to arbitrarily decide she didn't have the capacity to grow past them! but she did!)#hell i saw a BIZARRE take today i just have to bitch about #which was them saying that Batgirl was a ''heteronormative mask'' steph put on #with spoiler being her more authentic self (and this being paralleled to gender expression with stephs isolation from the batfam as spoiler-#-showing how she ''wasnt like them'')#which. I'm not denying you the view that spoiler has a certain genderific swag to her but the needless dragging of her batgirl persona #steph got treated badly as spoiler bc she was A Girl. it's genuinely that simple dixon felt batman and robin would never stand for a girl-#-running around doing the things they did and would need to chivalrously stop her. he's gone on record saying this #she's constantly getting belittled by mostly men (cass also dismisses her but it feels distinctly less gendered)#and in the end it's barbara who learns to give steph a second chance despite her mistakes and they have a positive relationship #something ppl are quick to dismiss as being in and of itself sexist bc they're pairing the two girls off together #as if batgirl isn't a legacy and as if babs and steph don't have parallels in their resilience and refusal to accept when ppl tell them no #for better and for worse!!#like. idk how you took the strongest feminist element in that comic (bc there are elements of sexism here and there! 2009 n all)#and somehow turn it into ''heteronormativity'' YOU PPL ARE JUST SAYING WORDS AT THIS POINT!!!#anyway. someone take away my internet access

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angelstrawbabie420 · 4 months ago

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hmm i think i am not coping. very well

#i feel like ive hit a wall in my ability to handle anything and idk how to hold myself together anymore #i see myself spiraling terribly but i am so exhausted in every single way that i cannot bring myself to care #and it’s going to kill me one day but i cant even care abt that #july was so horrible. so so bad it’s the worst month ive had since my dad’s passing #i feel so incredibly empty and stagnant and stuck i feel like i am in a tar pit and ive been here before #but i no longer have the strength to claw myself out of it #nor the support of others (irl i love u mutuals)#i quite literally only have my brother at this point and with how physically abusive he can become it’s not like that’s a relationship i #truly feel supported and safe in but it’s all i have #ive always been isolated severely by my family + the Issues have always made socialization so exhausting #i feel like im just floating and no one knows me nor cares bc how can they. i either just push people away to avoid getting hurt or i dont e #even try. and when i want to it’s a task so daunting and draining #i don’t have it in me despite knowing the lack of human connection is absolutely destroying me and ripping me to shreds #despite knowing a community of some kind would help #but i also feel like i offer fucking nothing and am worthless so would i even accept the help given to me. probably not #i wish i wasnt so intense of a person in every single way. and yet i will never be enough either #i feel like ive been clinging and digging my claws into my sanity that was not really present in the first place #ive been put through so much i couldnt cope with so repeatedly and so young i think by the time i wqs 10 i had already hit a wall but you #cant just stop living so it’s only compounded on top of that #it feels unhealable it feels like just part of me now.#i see a complete absence of a future for myself and i have no one to stay alive for anymore #not my parents not my pets not my friends and i dont know how to stay alive for myself bc it’s not something ive ever wanted #idk anymore. ive never felt so utterly lost and alone and broken lmao.#no wonder this relapse has been so all-consuming #dlt ltr

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chipjrwibignaturals · 4 months ago

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no matter what they could NEVER make me hate you (season 8)

#reading the fan wiki rn for fun and i dopnt think i realized How short a season it was #but fuck i miss it like a Wound everyday </3 #the story aspect FUCKED so hard and for me made everything way more memorable and distinct #the shared mega/giga bases (in general shared basing!!!!) slapped so hard #and combined w voice chat like. everything felt so fucking alive!!!!!!#EVERYONE was close and working together and it FUCKED!!!!!!!!!#plus the lack of a shopping district imo helped bc it encouraged more travelling to each Others Places bc thats where they put they shops #idkkkk idk im just. im full of emotions and feeling Good i will never understand the s8 hate. learn whimsy abt it or something

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me-a-mess-morelikelythanyouthink · 10 months ago

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sometimes I’m scared that other people only think my outfits eat when they emphasize my waistline and make me look skinny and not when it’s an outfit that I put a lot of care into because it’s another form of expression for me

#silv's back on her bs #like I know I probably sound like ‘boohoo it must be so hard for other people to think you’re skinny’ but I just mean that like.#I’m really proud of the outfits I put together #I like my style and I like how I’ve spent the last couple years exploring with it and letting it be another extension of myself #and I’ve created a (very small) rep around having cool outfits #but the other day someone complimented my outfit and don’t get me wrong I felt nice that day #but it was literally just low rise sweatpants and a cropped tee (ie heavens forbid I had skin showing and my stomach was out)#like was it cute? sure but it definitely wasn’t an Outfit #and I got a lot more compliments because on it then I do on a normal basis #and idk. I wasn’t the biggest fan of that #and I’m scared that I’m also starting to use it as a crutch when I’m putting clothes on before I leave #like the other day I was putting an outfit together and instead of reaching for something that I think is really cool and being creative #I was genuinely met with a wave of like ‘okay but how attractive am I gonna be if I wear this’ or ‘would other ppl think I look good’#which is FUCKED #because I LOVE clothes!!!! I LOVE dressing up!!!! and I KNOW that I don’t need to look good for others that beauty and style doesn’t #have to be conventional that there’s so many cool things that lie outside that framework. And I used to be outside of that framework too #but UGH I hate that everyone else’s opinions on MY body are starting to get to me #anyways i feel like this should have a cw but idk what to add #ask to tag #ig(?)

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apocalypticdemon · 1 year ago

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being friends with someone who constantly throws pity parties for themselves is fucking exhausting.

#this isn't about anyone that follows me here or that i follow here.#but i have a friend in a group where just..... every time someone says something good about us as a group #they feel the need to put themselves down on main and interrupt the conversation.#it's fucking tiring.#the comment was 'i can't believe we're all academics' and i responded 'it's wild but great'#and then they just go 'i feel really dumb but i guess i'm an academic sometimes' and then the convo gets derailed #like the two of us were literally celebrating that we're all nerdy academics together but now it's managing their emotions on how stupid-#-they feel.#i am so tired. this happens all the time.#i get it. i get it. when i had horrid self-esteem (as if i don't have that now) i felt the need to do this #but like. it's not productive and it's killed the vibe. and i wish they would knock it off but it's unfortunately a pattern of behavior #that happens all the time. and i wish i knew what to do about it bc it's getting on my nerves.#like i said. nobody here is doing this. this is a different person. if you think it's about you No It Isn't #(and if you think you know who i'm talking about no you don't)#idk i just wind up in the position of talking them down all the time and trying to steer them in a more positive direction #and i'm running out of energy for it and it's wearing on me.#they're fun to talk to sometimes but i think over the last few years i've turned into their therapist friend.#'how do i ask someone out' 'do i drop my crush bc i haven't confessed and they aren't acting the way i'd hoped'#'why do i feel like shit all the time' idk man stop fucking asking me #i'm not cut out for this. One Single Class stressed me out so badly i wound up in therapy again. like. i'm Unqualified.#and i'm dissatisfied that i'm stuck in this role and idk how to get out of it

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red-dyed-sarumane · 1 year ago

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i have a new theory for aru sekai fans & by new i mean someone else might have caught on already but i havent seen it said SO. the rute furutewoa melody is in kyuuyaku, touhikou, & now kannagi (maybe elsewhere bc i havent been looking for this motif before i only realized it today really & i havent had time to go thru all the songs again yet) & we have kyuu (past), something in touhikou im too tired to remember currently but i remember calling something similar a while ago when someone asked if there was a timeline to this, and now kannagi that uses the older language so im willing to bet this motif is a way of saying the events in the song happened in the "past". whether thats actually Long Ago or just to say its not the current situation or just happened before the songs without it i cant say for sure but i think it makes sense given what we have now.

just like we have the nami no ne no motif that signals which characters still have their "self" if its in the song or lost it if its not.

i have to do some more digging of course but with what i know right now this makes the most sense to me

#aru sekai series #u know those old people who say they do crosswords to keep their brain sharp. thats what this series feels like to me.#incredibly complex puzzle to put together in which i need to be constantly learning new things & concepts #anyway for some reason i feel like theres a link to ashura that im not touching on too but idk for sure yet #there is. something about ashura that drives me insane bc it FEELS familiar there IS. SOME sort of motif or theme or SOMETHING there #i KNOW it but i can never place WHAT it makes me rabid.#tell me your secrets puppet girl #also btw kannagi i think also ties into touhikou. given the art & that line thats like prayer will come to sustain us or whatever it is #its 2am ive had a long day i dont remember the exact thing rn. usually i check before posting but please excuse me just this once #i wish i could make friends with the jpn magu fans who also go wild over the lore but idk how to find them. its always like one off comments #sorry i didnt really go wild over yamete kudasai. it just felt rather straight forward & didnt give any big reveals that i know of #so i just kind of went ah neat & looped it for a while #but kannagi. kannagi's got the puzzle aspect back & a WHOLE BUNCH of links to other songs. & thats without knowing the lyrics #but also u know kyuuyaku's my fave so having this be closely related is a big 👀👀👀 for me #i saw someone try to say kannagis the ka in the amakakeru arc of songs (if that is a real arc. it Is a fan theory idk how accurate tho)#but that wouldnt be right bc we already have kanon for the ka.#if there are arcs like that i think itd be in with whatever ashura's in. even tho ashura is a 5 kanji song and kannagis only 1

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unproduciblesmackdown · 1 year ago

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woah... that's some premium human (kittycat?) heart in conflict with itself

(fr everyone in lackadaisy is kittycats to me lmao. going like, whoa, neat humansona ideas....)

and also fr like everyone get in on "mordecai killed atlas even though of course he didn't do it b/c he Wanted to: bet on it" if only for the fun drama of it all....it Is fun & funny to me that like, sure there's only so many major characters, and sure there's no incorrect one to point to like "wow what a delight" but i wasn't really That previously aware that mordecai is like a fan fave like omg the bad bitches (especial popularity) he pulled by being autistic :'] we just don't expect to see it lmao. like this theory should also be more popular then if even just by virtue of that premium kittycat heart in conflict with itself material it supplies. pointing at mordecai like haha he's sooo upset about all this and That Is Why He Quit, not to go investigate marigold which he's also just said he Wasn't doing until just now. we've seen the [oh grief? besot? interesting] bonus material....not that i don't think most people do imagine that of course mordecai has a good amount of emotional investment in things driving him here, but this does ramp it up which i think also works as an argument in its favor; like i'd be inherently more skeptical about any theory that required mordecai to actually care less about things lol than about any that gives him more personal emotional motivation

truly like "we know mordecai wouldn't want to kill atlas..." (agreed) "...so he can't have been the one to kill him" like first of all lol no way is it a Writeoff anyways, like we've got a mystery here but we Won't imagine ways in which [nobody could ever kill someone they didn't want to kill] wouldn't apply? second of all: Think Of The Drama Of Him Killing Him Even Though He Wouldn't Want To

#i also lean towards the additional drama of ''he felt a gay type of way about atlas'' lol #this theory does though add more mystery around ''what Specifically is mordecai investigating rn then?''#since i don't think it's [specifically who shot atlas] what with that having been mordecai; to me....#could be ''who knows that mordecai shot him'' but could also be something broader #such as the whole mystery of ''what were the circumstances that led to atlas's death''#lackadaisy #mitzi and mordecai murder mystery #and i also know they're not Not kittycats...insofar as it's Not ''au of this world: what if ppl had been bipedal cats'' lol #and rather ''it's just this world as a setting in a fictional story & ppl are cats for fun & practicality & other rewards''#i will always remember the way the one time i recommended lackadaisy in person they rejected it b/c of the cats thing lmfao....#like yeah idk if you're first & foremost worried abt your state-issued fursona idk what to tell you i guess....#anyways you're so right. elevator pitch for this theory: intensifying mordecai's anguish marinade beyond [annoyed by own job]#joke's on him. his teamup with the savoys is a delight. see also my theory that:#where the comic cuts off currently the savoys Are abt to burst in & shoot gracie & have to become either more Friend Or Foe to mordecai #than he would like. out here like ugh we just work together can you Not forcibly carve sigils into my chest while serafine is like lol. lma #unbelievable........there's nobody you can put in a room w/mordecai & Not have it be a dream team #autistique funny little guy....the universal [makes it a dream team] ingredient

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