#idek what my hand is doing
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spooky dog
#they called him ol ‘why do u have human fucking eyes’ back in high school#this is my friends dog and he rlly does look like that i did not stylize his eyes#anyways tryin to build a style of digital pet portraits that doesnt 1) kill my hand Or 2) kill my soul#so far this feels like enough stylization to avoid killing my soul but i think my hand is always killed a little no matter what#better than the other brush i was using tho the angle and pressure on the old one hurt it bad#my art#id in alt text#dogs#digital art#pet portrait#artists on tumblr#<- idek what that tag does or means i just see everyone using it so im copying
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being too weird and unlikable and off putting and always being shunned and turned into an outcast everywhere i go and not having felt the connection and healing friendship has on you for so many years has really done a number on me
#irl mostly. but even online. i cannot connect or find communities or support systems the way most of u can#even if i do have found great connections and one connection in particular im more than grateful for#but i have had so much of my humanness torn off for so long that i am awkward and useless in handling it#but yeah idk :/ im just so profoundly jealous of how everyone can just fit into a slot#even online when ppl talk abt being anxious and stuff they still have ppl to talk to#or ppl irl to hang out with and im like.. wow... i cant even do that :/#it is just so lonely in general. and it has made me confused and incapable of knowing how to be a human#and fully realise and actualize the one connection i do have#if i had gotten to learn and now know how to be a human and a person i would've... been a person#but now i feel so removed and far away from that idek how...#like im at a point where i cant even have simple and shallow conversations online bc im like so useless#maybe only other ppl with avpd and who have been socially rejected and isolated and alienated can fully understand what i mean#it is so scary and weird and i feel such deep envy for how people can just like... talk to eo. irl and online. i dont get it#and like the connection i do have that i mention bc it is so important to me.. that does all of those things#but it is like im so not used to anyone even keep wanting to have a connection with me#that i feel like bambi on ice 💀 for lack of a better metaphor#and inside of me idk how to dare to open up to it bc i've been numb and shut off i just dont know#i dont know. but i want to but idk how.#ahhhhhh wanna scream bc just trying to describe it so i can make sense of it is frustrating!!!!#it also sucks bc other ppl really dont seem to get how fkn weird and scary it is to feel so removed from humanness#and not even be able to do most basic human people things most ppl who are mentally ill or anxious do.. i cant even do that idk#talking and communicating is the main thing like ppl do not understand how fkn hard it is for me to even have a simple convo#and i cant explain it bc theres no way someone who doesnt feel the same and have avpd could get it...#but idk. i just hate all of this and i wish i had a normal functioning brain. i just wanna be like everyone else#even ppl w social anxiety are capable of having friends. and im terrified of losing the only connection i've somehow been lucky to get#in my hands??? im so scared of losing that but idk HOW to be a person and idk!!! idk!!#other ppl dont even think abt these things im so fkn jealous lmao#anyway whatever 😔
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You're hand slipped into mine.
#yeah okay so they're gonna do a five times they held hands (sorta) and one time they hugged. right? r i g h t?#Idek what this is but I had it in my drafts forever and I guess the Zippo scene is part of it so...#Tatort Dresden#Tatort#meins
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no i'm actually going fucking insane over my last post. i was just trying to get some dates accurate for a oneshot and now i'm spiralling so hard. WHAT DO YOU MEANNNN. WHAT DO YOU MEAN ALL OUR JOKES ARE REAL LMFAO.
i have never seen something more parallel to mota john's portrayal i am LAUGHING. not only the "buck, can i climb up into your bunk to keep warm?" but the fact that they were in such a nightmarish situation and he seemingly somehow freaked himself out about other 'strange things' going on in camp?
like what? ghosts? can you imagine john waking gale up in the middle of the night wide eyed swearing up and down he saw a creepy figure float past the window? almost jumping into gale's skin when gale finally relents and lets him into his bunk just to get him to shut up and stop spinning out about it?
also gale parroting john's words back at him lmfaoo it's their favourite thing to do to call back to old quotes, hey? "this is it" at the beginning of episode one and at the end of episode nine, "stone in my shoe", "don't count on it", etc etc. ugh they have my whole heart.
#it's 4am and i just meant to draft up a oneshot#and now i'm literally losing my mind i feel like a head case#i need to scream about this idek what to do#holds this information gently in my hands?????#buck x bucky#buckbucky#johnslittlespoon brainrot
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up in heaven sometimes the other angels can’t find archangel aziraphale . no one looks to the stars . but there he is . and without his crowley , they only bring minimal comfort .
#self admittedly this one was fucking vile and idek how i thought of it#the spirit of neil gaiman rubbing his hands together and about to put another heart wrenching thought into my head#teehee !!#y’all think that aziraphale can still recall their first conversation word for word because i sure as hell do#crowley can too#he’s done what he could to block it out#but aziraphale’s smile beams through like the fucking sun#sobs#i will be making a post out of those tags#azicrow#aziracrow#ineffable husbands#ineffable idiots#ineffable bureaucracy#ineffable divorce#ineffable lovers#ineffable fandom#ineffable wives#ineffable spouses#good ineffable omens#ineffable partners#good omens#good omens 2#aziraphale#crowley#aziraphale x crowley#crowley x arizaphale#michael sheen#david tennant#neil gaiman
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☆ ─ TO THE MOON AND BACK :
happy birthday @sukichuu 🖤
#bang chan#chan#stray kids#bystay#createskz#a9gifs#*gfx#*ccarly#*chan#*carly:chan#idek if i tag this but whatever. this is for LI!!!! AND LI ONLY#this looked way better in my head and i messed some shit up but i know it'll make u cry anyway and that's what matters <3#me getting this idea literally at like 11 pm last night while i was looking for smth to dojsklfgjlsdfjlsg#but darling jestie beloved!! happy birthday i know this is a hard day for you everyyyy year#but i'm so happy this is the third birthday of yours i get to celebrate :(( and i will always celebrate#bc i am so happy u were born on this day!! i'm gonna say that to u in a msg too i'm sure but i'll say it 50 billion times!!#you are so dear to me i know ur gonna say i didn't have to do anything for u but i had to ok. bc i had the idea and i love you#and i'll make u 50 billion things if it means bringing u a little more joy <3#ok that's enough from me here.#raise ur hands if you've ever been personally victimized by the oddinary and maxident album covers btw. ugly bitches
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ok but Saint Alia of the Knife story arc and her entire fate makes no sense if she doesn't kill the baron?
#alia atreides#saint alia of the knife#dune#dune 2#im just stunned with that narrative choice like way to take away even more from her#saw people cheer on paul killing the baron and i thought i was misunderstanding but no they made paul kill the baron?#idek what to say or how to convey how bad it is story wise#what do you even do in your third movie when you compressed two books in one#what do you do when you erased the cornerstone of the fate of one of your main character? like what arc do you give her now???#her sanity falling appart is directly linked to the baron dying by her hand and haunting her so idk what they're gonna do#making her lose it (if that what they go for) just for being pre born feels like cheapening both her fate and her strengths#not looking forward that for my girl what a waste of a great casting too
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I'm just gonne leave this here on a completely unrelated note
(x) (x)
#im not implying anything#im simply observing information and sharing my findings#for science#this could all mean absolutely nothing#but that death grip tho!!#the kicker is we do all of this completely subconsciously#you basically have no conscious control over it unless you're constantly worrying about it and even then you can't stop it#plus your hands are major energy points so holding hands with someone else connects you on a deeper level in that moment#so HOW you hold their hand says a lot about your connection to each other#Ayo and JAW both seem like affectionate people in general tho so take this with a big grain of salt#idek what to tag this#jayo#ayomy
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today was so frustrating this autopsy was delayed for THREE WEEKS and by the time i got in there his brain was one step away from goo...and that was the important organ in this case bc Hx of stroke
#idek what was going on some legislative bullshit probably#picture me trying not to cry cupping the brain in my hand like a baby bird and its just squeezing right thru my fingers#and of course the neuropath just there staring at me#id like to see u do better asshole
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it's time
#making a little joke cuz i don't want to so fucking bad#idk why i get like this it's just. ugh lol#idek how to go about this#even searched the wrong thing looks like i should see a psychiatrist instead#well i'll throw up#it just feels fake. everyone and their mothers has an adhd diagnosis now#i'm not making light of it i'm just always like am i actually struggling bc of smthn in my brain or#are life expectations just actually unreasonable#i don't know anymore but i do know i feel like my life is slipping out of my hands lately#maybe this isn't even what i need#see i'm talking myself out of it again
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All semester I've had enough on my plate for two people and it's really starting to take its toll
#just found out I missed a google form in SEPTEMBER for an out of state fieldtrip I was SO thrilled about#idek what to do I feel like I can't tell my parents bc I'll get the lecture on 'well you have to stay on top of things!'#LIKE I KNOW OKAY#mj has feelings#the one silver lining is that I now have a whole weekend open to me#this trip was my excuse not to attend a handful of ******** events which I will still not go to
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Suddenly realising while rubbing down a lamb roast with oil and salt exactly where my Alfie fic went astray
#Dual elation and ugh moments#I did write ‘all’ of it but stopped posting at final edit stage because something felt wrong#now I know what it is#now I realise what I need to rewrite#More outcomes of the poll XD#Back to…storyboarding?…if that’s what it’s called? Idek what it is I do because it’s not per scene it’s like a bubble diagram per revelatio#I washed my hands before texting#lamb/goat same difference#the last endless dinner fic which needs its ending
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me when ihave a dream about my 3rh closest friends all beyeaying me 🤯🤯🤯
#vent#duh#it was sostupid too im jjst. an idiot and emotional and i hate being left out and everyoneknows that wnd that dream has genunlu runed my day#woke up sobbing oops!and in that drupid thing everyome was like get over it itsnkt a big deal like ok sorry. sorry sorrywjqyever#amd none of themare here rigjt now and i miss them all so much and its not fair because ik they wuld never just abandon me for eahc otherbut#everytime i introduce my feiends to each other its like oh duh juli they like each other more! what did u expect! and im the stupidone for#feeling upset at being left out asthey go on witjout me and its like ok talk witjoug me whatever idc but. reallh. really#i was gonan wake up early and do all this stuff but i dont wang to get up anymote im so tired already i feel horrible#idec ab the otjer ppl calling me atupid and emotional or whatever buf ughj b#on the other hand in that dream i did a one pull and got childe twice excepf there were 2 versions of him for some reason???#like u could be childe OR tartaglia ?! idek what fhe difference was one jusg looked younger#erm. anwyay ☺️#post#maes tag#to delete#actually idk if fheyre aroun d rn im kind of too scared to do anything relagimg to them bc what if my nightmare was True!#(def wasnt)
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Gonna fucking lose it I lost my wallet like a week ago now and no one e has used it which I assume means that it’s in my possession somewhere but I’ve checked every fucking place I can think of in my car and home multiple times and have literally no idea where it is.
#like. I’m not super worried bc I’m pretty sure it’s somewhere bc. if someone has my wallet and has been choosing not to use it for a week#well then idek what they’re doing with it. so it’s just a matter of FINDING it which I have not been able to do#I need to do it fast bc 1 not everywhere takes Apple Pay and 2 i need my id to drink and also pick up my prescription#but like. I literally don’t even know where else to look. if there is a place in my home I have looked there at least twice.#I have opened drawers I haven’t opened in months. i did 2 full loads of laundry on the off chance it was in there somewhere. I even went#through the trash (not using my hands) to see if I threw it I. there by accident cleaning up from my t shot.#and it was in none of those places.#I need to get one of those fucking beeping trackers and keep it I. there I’m so serious this is. not the first time this has happened#prsnl
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The good news- I have another part time job now as a cake decorator.
The bad news- I have another part time job now as a cake decorator.
#its creative and work i feel like i dont suck at but#gosh been 4 or 5 weeks now and between piping and drawing and stuff my hand and wrist are hurty#asked my gp if it was possible to see a physical therapist to get some advice and preventative excercises to i dont end up killing my hand#but like#made it thru art school for 4 years and never really had too much wrist pain#4 weeks piping frosting and it hurts to squeeze#just dont wanna mess up my drawing hand idek what I would do
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I'm part of an Unknown Armies campaign run by my girlfriend, and it's driven me to strange madness. Today I made a conspiracy board for it. I've made memes. I'm painting a map of the setting. I started writing a novella loosely based off of my character, which feels like fanfiction. There's an NPC I'm in love with and her existence makes me want to create fan content. I've never created fan content before, for anything. I'm considering writing fanfic for Blorbo from my girlfriend's head, that's where we're at right now. What is going on
#we're like three sessions in#its just making me want to be so creative but only for that stuff#like my brain has been lightly puzzling out how to do a map from the setting but in knitting#because painting the mao hasnt been enough for me i want a fucking commemorative hand knit tapestry#and theres a character i love so much. shes a sweetie and autistic in my heart#ive never made fanart bcuz i cant draw. luckily another player is so good and does art of her#but my heart wabts to do fanart of her#i write. so ive considered trying fanfic writing for this specific thing#ive never written fanfic before. idek where to start. but the urge is in my heart becaue i love this character!!#i spent a whole fucking hour today going through my session notes and putting together a digital conspiracy board for this#(cuz its a mystery. im trying to figure out the mystery)#conspiracy board didnt help but i sure had fun making it#since i developed mental illness i haven't had a fraction of this creativity!! what is happening to me??#im not upset its just strange. it feels like my brain has been rinsed with cold water and did some stretches#the maintenance person in there had a moment of adhd motivation and deep cleaned it#i show my gf all of the things. like i send her the shitty memes i make mostly bcuz she inspires them#and i expressed my desire to make fan content which she approved. even though i havent those types of talent#i want to get back to painting the map tho ive been neglecting it#i have 10.000 words written for a novella that was inspired by one piece of backstory for my character that my gf thought of#idk this campaign just gives me the brain lightning
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