#idek how to explain how i feel | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

aurorangen · 2 months ago

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Like my first love that September

Transcript & Context:

[The trial was an eye-opener for us and we shouldn't be afraid to reach out to help cope with trauma. We both went to therapy, my mum felt brave enough to open up about her mental health and I went to talk through my fears and distress and how to gain control of it. In the end, we decided to move to Henford-on-Bagley]

[The countryside promoted healing and we were less likely to be triggered by places or people. It was really an escape from the big city. Settling down was easy since my grandparents lived there. It was also my first time visiting the family farm and I loved every single moment in that house]

[Most importantly, I felt more relaxed in Henford-on-Bagley. No more pestering reporters or prying eyes of the neighbours. No more trouble sleeping or flashbacks to all the difficult times. Instead, it was a warm welcome from the villagers, who did not ask too many questions, well most of them anyway]

[Our wellbeing improved and we immediately fitted in with the community. It was a new beginning here which meant a different school, routine and people. And one person in particular stood out from everyone else]

[Henford-on-Bagley was where I met Nancy Montford. She was my first love]

The remaining story parts (the first love and the one after 👀) are the ones that I have most been looking forward to! And look who is his first love...Nancy (tjolc)!!! It is perfect with her cooking roots and how city detective also explores food. I've mentioned that Vincent likes cooking and you will find out how it came to that. Now the two legacies link 🤗 One more thing is Oscar has NO RELATION to Strangerville even though I initially created him to be the mysterious guy.

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bunnihearted · 2 months ago

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being too weird and unlikable and off putting and always being shunned and turned into an outcast everywhere i go and not having felt the connection and healing friendship has on you for so many years has really done a number on me

#irl mostly. but even online. i cannot connect or find communities or support systems the way most of u can #even if i do have found great connections and one connection in particular im more than grateful for #but i have had so much of my humanness torn off for so long that i am awkward and useless in handling it #but yeah idk :/ im just so profoundly jealous of how everyone can just fit into a slot #even online when ppl talk abt being anxious and stuff they still have ppl to talk to #or ppl irl to hang out with and im like.. wow... i cant even do that :/#it is just so lonely in general. and it has made me confused and incapable of knowing how to be a human #and fully realise and actualize the one connection i do have #if i had gotten to learn and now know how to be a human and a person i would've... been a person #but now i feel so removed and far away from that idek how...#like im at a point where i cant even have simple and shallow conversations online bc im like so useless #maybe only other ppl with avpd and who have been socially rejected and isolated and alienated can fully understand what i mean #it is so scary and weird and i feel such deep envy for how people can just like... talk to eo. irl and online. i dont get it #and like the connection i do have that i mention bc it is so important to me.. that does all of those things #but it is like im so not used to anyone even keep wanting to have a connection with me #that i feel like bambi on ice 💀 for lack of a better metaphor #and inside of me idk how to dare to open up to it bc i've been numb and shut off i just dont know #i dont know. but i want to but idk how.#ahhhhhh wanna scream bc just trying to describe it so i can make sense of it is frustrating!!!!#it also sucks bc other ppl really dont seem to get how fkn weird and scary it is to feel so removed from humanness #and not even be able to do most basic human people things most ppl who are mentally ill or anxious do.. i cant even do that idk #talking and communicating is the main thing like ppl do not understand how fkn hard it is for me to even have a simple convo #and i cant explain it bc theres no way someone who doesnt feel the same and have avpd could get it...#but idk. i just hate all of this and i wish i had a normal functioning brain. i just wanna be like everyone else #even ppl w social anxiety are capable of having friends. and im terrified of losing the only connection i've somehow been lucky to get #in my hands??? im so scared of losing that but idk HOW to be a person and idk!!! idk!!#other ppl dont even think abt these things im so fkn jealous lmao #anyway whatever 😔

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silbeni · 9 months ago

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Ryoma figures it out again later but yk......

#Ryoma #ryohan #oc x canon #rohan kishibe #jjba part 4 #diamond is unbreakable #!!!#Ryoma is so confused How rohan would like her since they...#from knowing him #seem the furthest thing from his type #rohan doesn't know why either #ryoma also doesn't know their feelings at all on the matter besides being confused #they dont really think about how they are feeling #idek if ryoma likes him at this point theyre like... going thru so much stuff behind the scenes that that doesn't give them space to even #consider being in a relationship #i think they would start to get closer like that after the start of Ryoma's trial and shes staying w rohan #ill make a post explaining things

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queenhawke · 2 months ago

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my gender is nonbinary except at work where i present as a woman bc my real gender is none of my coworker's business

#and also im not out to my family bc. uhhhhhhhh #well #idek how to explain my gender anyway #it's like. not a woman definitely not a man. not cis not trans. which sort of defaults me to nb but idk about that either #i almost feel better identifying as female than as a woman #bc it sounds more clinical?#or girl even #but that's not quite right either #my gender is female until you look closer and see that i am in fact a mossy log in the forest #or perhaps some sort of mushroom #anyway please do they/them me online #or irl if we're talking in english lol #dutch neutral pronouns are kinda shit tbh

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divinekangaroo · 4 months ago

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Can't explain how unspeakably hot Lizzie is in that specific gifset (prior reblog chain)

#the yearning the yearning #the taut and furiously trembling wire of her body #the curve of her arse through the satin #and after the sleek and sheeted softness of the actual sex scene which was really comfort and cradling #that particular stride is what's thrumming with heat and passion #wanting tommy to rise to that (and he can't)#what's hot about those two is never really about penetration #one reason why i like writing sex for txl as just this Thing that happens and maybe it's good and maybe it's bad but what's actually-#-hot is other stuff happening around the sex. more passion in one sentence than in 20mins of sex #also one reason why they feel vaguely queer at some level #one is the performative nature of their heterosexuality (tommy performing 'acceptable' masculinity lizzie performing 'acceptable' femininit #when they were/are both 'unacceptable' versions of both masculinity and femininity)#the other is how sex is the constant and the defining element but #sex is less of the point than the fact they are having sex with each other in that performative context #idek how to explain there's just some dynamic bending going on no matter how i try to parse it

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eyluvu · 6 months ago

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I want to write a bunch of short, domestic/happy/silly pjo/hoo fics!

But I don't have any headcanons or ideas or anything.

I just want silly stuff. What camp half blood is like on a regular day.

Stupid conversations that happened on the argo 2.

If you have any ideas or any requests my inbox is open!

OO OO OO AND BONUS! Silly wilderness school oneshots but also hurt comfort too! I do have some ideas but im soooo willing to write for you guys if you would like

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wolfish-trickster · 2 months ago

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I just found out that in order to be at peace, calmer and feel better i need to have a complete and utter emotional breakdown. Is this normal?

#personal #idek how to tag this so older and wiser peoplecould see this and explain wtf is going on with me #i'm not out of the woods yet but i have this strange peaceful feeling in my chest #let's see how long it lasts

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lazzarella · 9 months ago

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I’ve watched My Personal Weatherman three times in the past two weeks and I’m considering starting it again tonight 😫

#except I don’t want to ruin it for myself and watch it so many times I feel nothing when I watch it 😭#my personal weatherman #I just… I can’t explain why I love it so much #it’s the total lack of communication and how they’re together but there’s the longing and the yearning #and how segasaki slowly unfolds and you realise how much he loves yoh and constantly shows it #and ughhhhhh idek #I feel weird liking it so much because the actors are so young though #It’s just such a perfect dynamic for me #Lazzarella watches tv

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harrylights · 1 month ago

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i guess the mini update I’ll give here is that I prob won’t be super active on this acc but I will be on my main @gaybirdwizard <3

#i have. many complicated feelings about my relationship to fandom rn that idek how to explain #but i miss y’all and i’m sorry for dropping off the face of the earth outta nowhere #things just got really fucking hard and i kinda just shut down but anyway!!!#slowly coming back #missed the absolutely insane humour on here and the lil community on my dash <3 #hope ur all doing well #rowyn rambles

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kittlyns · 3 months ago

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My best friend's birthday is in 5 days and I just got her present in the mail and it sucks. So I'm killing myself.

#since we opened the salon for her birthday I hire people to make illustrations in certain styles w our salon name #last year was snakes + old band tee-esque. this year was groovy bc she's been digging that kind of vibe lately.#anyways. so I get back the designs and while none of them were exactly what I had in mind #they worked. and I accepted that I just wasn't going to be able to explain what I wanted enough to make it perfect.#so I get the designs and I hop on the tshirt design website I always use. and I tell them specifically #I do not want the designs to feel like iron-on stickers. I do not want that. idk what y'all have to do but whatever you did last time #was fine. it felt good. like the design was part of the shirt. I want that again.#they assured me it would be like that.#package of tshirts arrive in the mail today. open them up. the design feels like a fucking iron-on sticker.#like. idek what to do. cuz her birthday is in 5 days and I waited over 2 weeks for these to ship.#and I really do hate how this feels lmao.

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faereun · 1 year ago

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need usfw artists to stay the fuck away from astarion...gawd i hate twitter so much stop p0rn1fying the character who's arc is centered on his lack of autonomy and sexual abuse lol

#idek how to explain it bc i feel like #even usfw fic writers have more respect for astarion #then the usfw art will just be so deranged and rancid #╰ * ooc : ⧽ out of charisma .#just in case ->#bg3 spoilers /

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bunnihearted · 2 months ago

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🐰🕸🌙

#i have so many behaviours and fears and #no emotional regulation and issues and disorders and fearrrrr #and i do not know how to explain it so that ppl who dont relate can possibly understand it #but it is like i am trapped in a nightmare dimension where everything is always bad #my brain isnt even wired to see anything in a positive or hopeful light #which is how humans are wired typically to ensure survival lol #in swedish avpd is also called anxious personality disorder #which can clue in on the fact that if you know what a personality disorder is #(your brain hasnt developed normally but in a disordered way. often bc of trauma etc)#my brain is wired to be anxious abt wverything all the time #so i always naturally see everything in a negative and dark and bad and horrible light #which is fucking terrible. it makes life exhausting and like a constant fight #other ppl dont get that bc their brains arent wired to have this horrible outlook on EVERYTHING #so thid just gives me extreme trust issues and my brain always fights to make sense of things #bc it cannot do so in a rational manner #and basically i just feel so ashamed when i think of how like... overly emotional and fearful i am #as soon as anything happens im like wow this person literally wants to kill me bc humans are evil #which i know intellectually isnt tru bc if it was i'd be dead by now 💀#ig i just feel so lucky that one person still is my friend after almost 2yrs now #despite my whateverthefuck moments when idek what im saying..#'working thru my emotions' in a way that doesnt make sense #esp when hes seen some of what i've written and im like NOOO i was spiraling when i said that i dont mean that i think most likely i dont #anyway.. feeling grateful 🙏 i wish i was normal #or at least had th ability to have connections and relationships most ppl w mental illness are still capable of having #avpd is fucked upppp it is such a weird mental disability.... 0-o #bc of my fear i also struggle with relaxing into it bc im like no imma fuck it up soon or no hes gonna leave me soon bc i suck and dont #deserve having him in my life at all. i really wish my brain wasnt wired to be terrified like i hate my brain and myself like why cant #i just be normal!!!!!! ☹️ i am thankful for every moment still.

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fslurusami · 2 years ago

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you know how sometimes theres some popular character and most of the fanstuff is mostly accurate on the surface but you personally have some lived experience shared w this character that enables you to have a deeper understanding of little nuances under the hood that inform things like their decision making and stuff. its on a sliding scale of accuracy of course. personally i mostly get this with my mental disorders with characters such as ogata but sometimes theres LITTLE TINY THINGS that bother me about specifically the various violence related fetishes. and the fact that it bothers me itself bothers me cuz i feel like. "oh Clearly you havent received or inflicted wounds for sexual pleasure". yes obviously they havent done that. nobody else does that. i am abnormal in nature and insane in the head

#obviously not Rlly nobody else im well aware. but it is uncommon. and it doesnt Rlly bother me but i can often tell #yes ienaga vore jokes are funny but i dont think shes into vore based on what we see of her character and attitudes towards cannibalism #however. usami and tsurumi 100% are. tsurumis gay little speech in that scene would not be out of place on a vore sideblog thats EXACTLY #how certain ppl talk about it. thats literally It. tsurumi tokushirou invented vore in 1907 #thats just the most clear cut and easily explainable example i think but there are so many little bits of tiny nuance idek #there are different attitudes of course but i feel like ienaga doesnt rlly feel any Connection to eating ppl and sure there are ocs and #little stories or scenarios about the pred just being like 'yea its just food' cuz some preys find that rlly hot but. irl there arent rlly #any of that kind of pred cuz if they dont care then. they dont care lol. like they dont Care about vore. so theyre not into vore. u know #so i think shes not into vore sexually and such shes literally just here for medicinal purposes or w/e. but that is just my opinion idk #sorry for vore essay in the tags i am autistic 👍 those deviantart stamps are not ironic they are a Warning #if anybody like. cares about being 1/5th of a mm off in their depiction of masochism or smthng i will answer questions. but be prepared for #me to get at least this ^^^ autistic about it. i dont have a phd in masochism but i can at least say with certainty that i have never #said 'it hurts so good' in real life. the full sentence like that is just a little cheesy in my opinion. 'it hurts' usually speaks 4 itself #og post

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hanasnx · 6 months ago

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mother is like a walking holistic pharmacy “mom remember when i said i had growing pains? i’m having those now as a twenty two year old what do i do”

“bananas.”

quick with it. i’ve been to the doctor a handful of times in my life span

#ik i can google but idek what to google. how do u explain what the pain in your calves feel like when it’s not stingy or sore or itchy or #indy overshares

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stabbyfoxandrew · 6 months ago

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MMMMMMMMM