Scars (part 1)
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Has: bar setting, panic attack
James and his family belongs to @starliight-whump
~
"I'm sorry, I really need to go to the bathroom. Will you be okay, or …"
"I'll be fine." James hoped his smile looked reassuring rather than strained. "Go."
"I'll be right back."
James held onto his glass with both hands as he watched his sister walk across the room, her dark curls bouncing past her shoulders.
When they arrived, it had still been early in the evening. The bar had been sparsely crowded, easy enough to keep track of. But now, the bar was filling up, and James hadn't realized how much until Julia was gone. He stared down at his water and counted his breaths as he waited for her to return.
"Is this seat taken?"
James startled when a man slid in next to him. He was wearing a sheer black top under a leather jacket, black smudged eyeliner, and several piercings in his ears and left eyebrow.
"Um," James said, his mouth dry. Once upon a time that might have been because he wanted the interaction to go well, to lead somewhere. Now, it was nothing but fear.
"Can I buy you a drink?" the man asked, gesturing to James's glass. "After you finish that one?"
No. James was not going to take a drink from a stranger and he was not going to finish this one. He was going to wait for Julia to come back, and then they were going to leave.
The man frowned. "Are you okay?"
James saw the hand move out of the corner of his eye, and pushed to his feet. He had to leave.
He took two steps before he was stopped by a wall of bodies. He couldn't push through. He couldn't get out. He stood there, paralyzed, and then he felt an arm behind his back.
"Come on," the man said, and started leading James through the crowd.
Where were they going? James couldn't think straight, couldn't stop or protest. Julia wouldn't know where he was. His phone was in his jacket - which he had left at the table. How could he be so stupid? And now he had no way to let anyone know what was happening. And he was just letting it happen, going where this man guided him without even trying to get away. He deserved it, whatever happened tonight. It was his own fault, for not fighting back. For going out in the first place.
A door opened and cool air hit his face. A line had formed outside the bar, and James should ask the bouncer for help.
"Come on," the man said, taking James a few steps away from the line. "Are you okay? What's your name?"
James tried to speak, but he couldn't make a sound around the lump of fear in his throat.
"Here," the man said, and shoved James's jacket into his hands. James hadn't even noticed him taking it. "Do you have a phone? Someone to call?"
James managed a nod. He had to call Julia. But his hands were shaking, and the man was standing so close, he couldn't make himself move.
"Is everything okay?" a new voice said. A woman. James jerked his face to the side to see a short woman with pink hair and a black dress coming toward them.
The man nodded. "Just a lot of people in there," he said, and turned back to James. "Look, this is Hanae, she's my least scary friend. Do you want her to stay with you while you call someone? I can go back inside, but I don't think you should be alone right now."
Hanae did look less scary than the man. James managed a nod, and she came to stand with him while the man went back inside. James's hands still shook, but he managed to open his phone and call Julia on speed dial, begging her to take him home.
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Scars (part 8)
first previous masterlist
Has: platonic co-sleeping, texting, pizza, nightmares, scar reveal, torture mention, trial mention, fluff
James and his family belongs to @starliight-whump
~
James awoke after a night with no nightmares to find Henry climbing over him to get out of his bed.
"Hey," Henry said when their eyes met. "You're awake. I'm sorry I'm leaving, I have to get to work. Do you want me to come back later?"
James nodded, not yet fully awake. He stayed in bed for a while after Henry left, staring at the ceiling, taking in just how calm he felt. When was the last time he had slept like that?
He sat up and found his phone that he had turned off however many days ago. When he tried to turn it on it was out of power, so he plugged it in and waited for it to power up. When it did, the screen filled with missed calls from Julia, and messages from Henry.
Good morning :-)
Someone brought a service dog to the library today! A very good boy!
We got another penguin book today :-)
A picture of the penguin book.
Is everything okay?
Let me know if I'm bothering you.
I'm getting a bit worried. Did something happen?
Did I do something?
Met this little guy on my way to work.
A picture of a grey tabby cat.
Seriously, James, are you okay?
I'll give you some space if that's what you need.
Please text me so I know you're alive.
Henry had really worried about him. It made him feel guilty that he hadn't even taken the time to look at his phone.
Sorry, he texted.
It only took a minute for Henry to reply.
No worries! Thanks for talking to me.
James typed out several replies and deleted them before settling on a simple, Thank you.
-
Taking advantage of this unusual calm, James took a shower and washed his hair, shaved, and brushed his teeth for the first time in too long. It made him cringe to think how bad his breath must have been when Henry was there.
He went downstairs to find his mom in the kitchen, cleaning up after breakfast.
"James! You're up!"
She opened her arms in offer, and he let her give him a hug.
"You need to eat, sweetie. What do you want?"
James didn't really feel like eating, but he asked for cereal to make his mom happy. She sat at the table with him, looking hopeful and worried in equal amounts. He stirred his cereal with the spoon.
"Um, Mom?"
"Yes, sweetie?"
"Can we call the lawyer? I have to ask something."
Mom texted the lawyer, who called them not long after for a fifteen minute chat. At the end of it, James was exhausted, but less worried about the trial. The lawyer had promised Harrison wouldn't be there, and said James could record most of his testimony beforehand, so he would barely have to talk in front of people. It was still a lot, that he would have to talk through everything on video, but nowhere near as bad as if he'd had to do it in front of people, especially in front of Harrison.
He went back to bed after the call ended and stared at the wall for a few hours.
-
There was a knock on the door, and before James could answer, Henry let himself in. He was holding a pizza box in his hands.
"Hey," he said, and did a double take at James's cleaner appearance. "Wow, you look nice. I thought you might be hungry, so I brought food."
James sat up, and Henry placed the box between them on the bed and opened it.
"Does this count as more or less adult than frozen pizza?" James asked, taking a slice after Henry did.
"More," Henry said. "You need adult money to pay for takeout."
"I'm pretty sure you can buy a pizza with kid money too."
Henry shrugged. "Depends on the kid, I guess."
They ate together--Henry ate half a pizza and James managed two slices--and as it got late, James started worrying that Henry would leave. Would it be too much to ask him to stay over again? It would. But … he did say he wanted to help.
"Could you … could you stay? Tonight?"
"Of course I'll stay." Henry didn't even hesitate. "Just tonight? Or should I think about bringing a toothbrush and some extra clothes next time?"
James blushed. "Um. It's just … I didn't have any nightmares. Last night. It helped. You don't have to, if--"
"I'm not making fun of you," Henry said. "I'm happy to stay. I just like to be able to brush my teeth in the morning."
"I think we have extra toothbrushes."
-
When Henry came back the next day, he brought a bag with clothes and toiletries, and for the next few weeks, he was always there when James went to bed. Sometimes they spent the day together, and sometimes Henry was gone until the evening, but he always made sure to be there when James went to sleep and when he woke up.
James started going to therapy again, and gradually he spent more time out of bed. His nightmares weren't completely gone, but diminished enough that he usually woke up feeling like he had gotten some rest. The exception was the week he recorded his testimony, when he woke up every night kicking and screaming, trying to climb out of a too deep grave while Harrison filled it with dirt, trying to break out of the coffin, trying to get away while Harrison broke his bones and cut his skin and burned him.
"James."
"No, no, please! No more, stop, please!" James twisted, trying to break loose from the ropes holding him.
"James! Wake up, you're home!"
James flinched when the room filled with light, and squinted in confusion as the room turned out to be his bedroom, and not Harrison's basement. The person talking to him wasn't Harrison, it was Henry.
He didn't let Henry touch him at first, just sat on the edge of the bed staring at his shaking hands while he tried to remember how to breathe.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Henry asked.
James shook his head. He closed his hand around the point on his right arm where, under his clothes, Harrison's initials were burned into his skin. He didn't know if he could talk about it. There was too much to tell. Henry hadn't even seen his scars, always hidden under long sleeves and high necklines.
After a while, the shaking calmed, and Henry was able to sit next to him and put an arm around his shoulders. James leaned against him, letting himself feel safe and protected.
"Can I show you?" The thought was out of his mouth before he could decide if it was a good idea or not.
"If you want."
Without giving himself time to change his mind, James pulled off his sweater. He could feel Henry go tense beside him, could hear the quiet gasp.
"James--"
"He liked knives." James ran his fingers over the scars covering his chest. "They were his favorite. He kept comparing it to me being a surgeon operating on people." He turned his arm so Henry could see the brand. "This is where he burned his initials, so everyone who saw it would--would know who I belonged to. And these," he pointed to the dark scars ringing his wrists, "are from when he decided to destroy my hands. He would tie them up too tight for hours, and then he made me play the piano, to see how much less I was able to do with each time. He broke my fingers too, but that didn't scar." He had scars on his back, too, but didn't point them out. Henry could see them well enough on his own. "A lot of it didn't leave scars." He didn't look at Henry. Wasn't sure he could handle seeing the pity on Henry's face.
"Shit, James." Henry moved as if he was going to touch James, but then thought better of it. He pulled up his own sleeve instead. "It's not the same, but … I started getting my tattoos to cover these." He showed James a series of small, puckered marks on his underarm. "My dad used to put out cigarettes on me when he was drunk. I kept doing it myself too, just so I could pretend it was no big deal."
James glanced up to meet Henry's eyes, then reached out to run his fingers over the colorful skin. The scars were old and faded, and with the limited sensation in his fingers, James could barely feel them at all. It made him angry to think of someone doing that to Henry. "How old were you?"
"Ten," Henry said. "At least I think that's when it started, after my mom died. He kept doing it until I came out at eighteen, and he threw me out."
Eight years. James had only had to get through one month. And when it was over, he had his entire family to take care of him. "That's horrible," he said.
Henry shrugged. "It was a long time ago. I didn't mean to make this about me, just that, you know. You choose what happens from here." He looked at the brand on James's arm. "It's your body, not his. You don't have to keep them like that if you don't want to."
James hadn't really thought about covering his scars in other ways than clothes. It wasn't as if a tattoo could hide the massive amount of scars he had. Laser treatments were an option, but again, he was covered in them. It was too much to ever get rid of completely. Still, doing something about the brand with Harrison's initials wouldn't be a bad idea. He didn't belong to him, so he shouldn't have a mark saying he did.
"Did it hurt?"
"Getting the tattoos? Yeah," Henry said, pulling his sleeve back down. "But it was worth it."
-
Henry came with him on the day of the trial, along with Julia and James's parents. They waited outside the courtroom until the videos were done playing, and then they went in, so James could tell the jury about his lasting injuries, and how he was unlikely to ever recover enough to go back to his job.
It went better than he had expected, and while he was a bit shaky at the end, he didn't feel the need to spend the rest of the day in bed. They wouldn't know the result of the trial for a few days yet, but the lawyer was confident Harrison would be found guilty.
That night before they went to bed, James took Henry's hand.
"Thank you for being here," he said. "I don't know how I would have managed without you these past few weeks."
Henry smiled. "I think you would've found a way even if I wasn't," he said. "You're stronger than you think. But I'm glad you chose to let it be me."
"Can I ask why? I mean … you have to have better things to spend your time on, right?"
"Because you're cute."
James's eyes flew to Henry's, surprised by such an open admission.
"I mean, that's not why I stayed. We're friends, and I like to help my friends. But at first? You were cute, and I had fun texting you, and I haven't figured out how to meet people without alcohol being involved."
"Oh," James said, not sure how to respond. Henry thought he was cute. And he thought Henry was … cute wasn't quite the right word for it. Hot, more like it. Fascinating, funny and attractive, and he made James feel safe in a way no one else did. "I … huh."
"Don't worry, I'm not trying to pressure you into anything. I'm happy staying as friends with platonic benefits, if that's what you want."
What did he want? James's eyes flitted around Henry's face, down to his lips, back up to his eyes. It felt like forever ago that he decided he wanted to do something about his crush, before the letter came and the trial took over his life. Now that the trial was over, he might actually be able to think about other things going forward. And Henry was very nice to think about.
"I think … that's not what I want," he said, testing out the truth of it as he spoke. "I like you. Like that. But … maybe we can take it slow?"
"Yeah?" The look on Henry's face was a mix of hopeful and happy that James had never seen before. "How slow are we talking?"
"Um … is it okay if we keep doing what we've been doing? For a while longer?"
"Yeah," Henry said. "Of course." He threw an arm around James's shoulders and pulled him close.
James closed his eyes and soaked in Henry's warmth, that solid body and unquestioning acceptance. Henry nuzzled his face against James's hair.
"Not that I mind waiting," Henry said after a minute, his voice almost too-casual. "But how long, do you think, before I get to kiss you?"
"Oh." James looked up. He didn't mind the thought of that at all. "I think … kissing is okay."
Henry's face broke into a grin. He cupped James's cheek in his hand "Yeah?"
James couldn't help but smile too. "Yeah."
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