#ideas ideas but executing takes so much time :'(

[verdancy-hime]

Sometimes you can.

If people leave you alone to do it, it's easy.

The main reason I can't think myself out of depression or executive dysfunction is because the overwhelming majority of the people in my life throughout my life have wanted me to be depressed and barely functional.

I think about how after years and years of struggle I finally beat my messy tendencies and then this guy I used to talk to started telling me all of a sudden how sexy my messy room was and praising me for photos of it.

I think about how any time my life is stable and going well, some funny little series of coincidences piles up to make it incredibly hard out of nowhere.

Some of those are just coincidence.

Some of them have been my employer that didn't pay me enough or give me full time hours giving me the worst shifts and the worst tasks and switching up my hours so I couldn't get a second job. My boyfriend suddenly getting our joint account garnished by the irs when I finally found a full time job. My boss accusing me of stealing to cover up her own theft. Now the people at my job are intentionally stalking me online and in person trying to make me stressed out all the time. Targeting me at work and pretending that suddenly all the things they used to like they hate now and annoy me in various ways on purpose.

I don't know why.

I'm just not allowed to be happy or stress free.

I'm not allowed to be cute or not in poverty.

I'm not allowed to have a relationship that's not abusive. I tried that for years. No matter what I did, it just turned into being in a hostage situation with a guy who hated me. Only the means of control was different. The idea that I don't want to be around any person who doesn't treat me well is apparently also not allowed, because the more I keep to myself the more people bully me.

But most people in most friendships and relationships seem to be unable to allow me to be normal and be myself and constantly follow either a bait and switch cycle or turn abusive.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do about that.

I guess I know one thing.

Anyway, the point is?

You very much can think your way out of internal problems.

You can take other actions that also help.

The problem is that you can not think your way out of the fact that most other human beings are sadistic and hate you. Like... most other human beings default to wanting to see you miserable and dysfunctional except while you are doing things for them. There is never enough that you can do for them that they won't want every minute that you aren't doing something for them to be hell on earth. There is never enough you can do for them that they won't try to make hard or impossible on purpose.

You can't think yourself out of the fact that capitalism requires you to beg other people for resources to survive and those people all hate everyone

Say you break your ankle. You could know everything there is to know intellectually about the injury. Even with this vast knowledge, you will still experience physical pain.

Now take this logic and apply it to things like ADHD, autism, clinical depression, and other less visible/divergent disabilities. You cannot think your way out of feeling.

That is to say: you are not a bad, lazy, or selfish person for struggling, even if you know why you are struggling.

[vyl3tpwny]

ive listened to your music through a lot of different avenues (headphones/eardbus/phone speaker/speakers in general); every time i do i still am able to hear something new in the effects or sound effects i'd never heard before, despite binge listening a lot of the time

i just wanna say its genuinely incredible how many layers your tracks have 💜💜💜 how many layers do they usually have?? or does it vary a lot?

it varies quite a bit!

i'll show this but i'll clarify something:

this is the project file for creature city, as an example. it goes to 216 tracks. but you have to take this track count with a grain of salt. some tracks are dedicated entirely to a sound that plays for half a second and thats it sometimes fkhljsdf.

regardless, no matter what genre of music i'm doing, a lot of my philosophy with layering and depth comes from my experience with the IDM* and neurofunk music scenes, where there's an absurd amount of layers, focus on fluid section transitions, and shifting soundscapes that seldom stay the same. a lot of artists in that space that have changed me forever in that regards are Iglooghost, Copycatt, Mr. Bill, False Noise, Noisia, Amon Tobin, and Culprate.

tho to be honest it's sort of a compulsion?

because tbh i think one of my weaknesses as an artist is i tend to be really self conscious about simplicity and straightforwardness. a lot of the times i definitely feel that i create more complexity than necessary to compensate for the fact that i don't always write an idea to work simply first. what i mean by that is a lot of rlly great songs are not trillions of layers and ideas all at once but just a simple idea executed satisfyingly, and i have a hard time doing that much of the time. a lot of my work can come off overproduced and stuff as a result and it's something i'm working hard to learn better how to do. it's a weird concept, because you train so much as an artist to do more advanced and complex things, you lose sight of rawness and straightforwardness at some point. with something like creature city i think the complexity is warranted, but yeahh it's a thing i think about!

i think if a song sounds top tier and is only like 10-20 tracks, that's the LIFE man. i find it super hard to make my own work engaging with so few tracks, i wanna challenge myself to get to that level.

i bring all this up bc i've seen like ppl go on about how many tracks they have in their projects as like a flex and tbh it's not really a flex at all sdfkjlsdfjk.

one of my fav examples of this concept i'm talking about is stromae and his record "alor on danse".

vro makes a club classic using like a few tracks, a laptop, and the dinkiest midi keyboard i've ever seen in my life. to me that's a mastery that i do not have yet, and it's very important to me.

anyway just thought i'd write this <3

*IDM is a genre name I don't agree with, but just wrote it for posterity. I tend to call this genre of music "Progressive Electronic" or, as Aphex Twin has called it, "Brain Dance" music. we can have more discussion about the genre name of IDM at some point in the future.

[bwat5-blog]

Let's Chat: Caitlyn Kiramman

**DISCUSSION AND RESPONSE TO ARCANE SO SPOLIER WARNING**

**LONG POST NOT KIDDING**

@xxbrightshadowxx

Happy March Third to you my fellow Arcane fan. It is quite obvious to anyone with a pulse that we are on far opposite ends of the spectrum of the fandom. That being said, you have made a fairly large amount of posts I've considered responding to, and I find this a much cleaner way of responding than all this re-blogging and commenting nonsense.

As it is clearly an issue for you, and I feel quite differently, we are gonna talk Caitlyn Kiramman. And as you identify yourself as "the biggest hater" I feel confident you won't mind a bit of friendly discourse. Since there is no efficient way to respond to multiple posts in one re-blog, each title in bold blue lettering will link directly to your post in question.

Recent Post Regarding Caitlyn Stans

So this of course is your most recent post I believe:

"I think the thing I hate the most about Caitlyn is her stans"

I don't have too much to say here as you are entitled to your opinions and this post is really just that. You don't feel Caitlyn was well executed as a morally grey character, you don't feel Caitlyn fans admit her mistakes, that is all within your rights. Really the only thing I will say is that as a fan of Caitlyn's character and of she and Vi's relationship, it has become increasingly difficult to spend any time discussing her wrong-doing with any detail or nuance, because so much of the rhetoric around her is completely out of control and false.

Comparing Violence In Timebomb VS Violence In Caitvi

So in this post you are comparing your criticism of violence between Ekko and Jinx during their fight on the bridge, against your criticism of violence between Caitlyn and Vi after fight against Jinx & Sevika. Speaking for myself, I am not sure why anyone would be comparing these incidents at all. They are totally different. However, I wanted to point something regarding your approach to this post.

Let's look at the amount of detail and context you include regarding Ekko & Jinx:

"Ekko and Jinx were on opposite sides of a conflict"- You go on to elaborate and explain well.

"Jinx was already known at that time to kill firelights, why would they like eachother? (for sake of honesty you wrote "why would they not" but I feel like the typo and your meaning was very clear, happens to me all the time) And with the situation on the bridge, Jinx killed a lot of enforcers. they were already in a situation of violence".

"They weren't in a romantic relationship".

"They weren't on good terms".

This is well done. You give their current status with each-other, the context for the immediate events that lead them here, a bit of their history and so on. Hardly a deep dive, but I feel like I have a good sense of where Jinx and Ekko are as characters in relation to each other.

Now let's look at your depiction of the leadup to the incident between Caitlyn & Vi:

"They kiss which basically establishes they like each other a lot"

"They were on good terms with each-other and were allies".

"They were working together to take down Jinx".

Okay all good so far I agree to each point even if we are not discussing of the complexity of what is going on between them. I cannot disagree with any of these points. But. Now we get into your list of circumstances leading to Caitlyn hitting Vi:

"Vi stops Caitlyn from shooting at Jinx when there was a moving child on top of her because shooting a weapon when there is a child nearby especially if said shooter is not in the best mindset is not a good idea".

"They (Sevika, Caitlyn and Isha) escape". (Clearly you meant Jinx, no harm no foul)

"Caitlyn insults Vi by saying she's just like the rest of Zaun and isn't different (which is also very ignorant by implying that the norm is bad and evil Zaunites and Vi is some exception to this norm) also saying it's her (Jinx) blood in your veins".

"She walks away and Vi grabs Caitlyn and asks why are you the one acting like her".

"Eight seconds pass before Caitlyn hits Vi in the stomach with her gun, before leaving her alone".

You then give your wrap-up comments regarding the incident:

Recap that they were on good terms and kissed before the fight

"The Violence had already wound down"- You elaborate on Jinx and friends already being gone and that it was no longer life or death.

You make a point showing Vi wasn't going to hit Caitlyn, elaborating that it was not a fight, but assault

"The show never acknowledges this"

"Caitlyn never apologizes for hitting Vi or leaving her. They just move straight to sex"

RESPONSE:

Alrighty. so in summary, you have presented the incident between Caitlyn and Vi as something like this-

A happy couple working together to catch Jinx get into a fight with Jinx and Sevika. Vi stops Caitlyn from shooting because it endangered a kid. So Caitlyn insults Vi, shows anti-zaun prejudice, then assaults Vi for no reason.

There are several things I'd say matter regarding this incident going into it that you did not mention. And while their exclusion does paint Caitlyn as a mean and spoiled rich girl who assaulted Vi for not getting what she wanted, it is incorrect in its entirety.

Caitlyn's Mental State-

I feel it is only reasonable to consider the impact of the long and unmentioned list of violent trauma Caitlyn has experienced over a very short period leading to this incident. After all, when we discuss the incident and its aftermath how could such things not matter? To that end, fortunately I recently prepared a time-stamped list of the relevant information on another post that covers all of the traumatic incidents needed-

Lured along with several other Enforcers to a burning building with a fake child's voice by Jinx shortly before she blows it up. She is the only survivor: S1 E4 13:29- Sequence begins

Shoots Sevika repeatedly to save Vi's life. More than likely the first time she has ever discharged her weapon at a living person. It doesn't matter the reason or justification, violence impacts you emotionally. S1 E5 5:28- Sequence begins

Survives escaping Silco and his addict/goons deep in the undercity including dodging a collapsing building. S1 E6 13:16- Sequence begins

Meets Jinx for the first time. Has weapon pointed at her. Then survives fight with Firelights. S1 E6 7:05- Sequence begins

Leader of The Enforcers shoots Ekko, and is about to shoot her while several of her peers stand and watch. Shortly after Jinx blows up the bridge, killing almost everyone, then attacks Caitlyn & Vi both intentionally trying to kill them.S1 E7 10:41- Sequence begins

Kidnapped by Jinx from the shower of her childhood home. She is nude at the time. At some point Jinx makes her dress in Enforcer uniform. S1 E8 4:35- Sequence begins *It seems like recent sources from the artbook confirm Jinx held Caitlyn for an entire day but I don't have that in front of me to confirm so we can call it speculation*

She is held bound and gagged and forced to participate in Jinx's Dinner Party: S1 E9 12:55- Sequence begins

- Listens to Jinx try and convince Vi to murder her - Manages to get free and has a gun on Jinx. Spares her at Vi's urging and gets knocked out - Jinx kills Caitlyn's mother, two other councilors, maims 2 others, and destroys the council chamber

8. Survives attack on her mother and other councilor's memorial by Zaun: S2 E1 16:26- Sequence begins

9. Survives operation of Task Force into Zaun: S2 E3 beginning of episode:

Now I know what you are probably thinking. But As I said earlier we need to remember that violence leaves a mark on you. We aren't talking fault or any of that right now. I'm just talking what state of mind is she in. So I'm sure reasonably you can see how at the very least a few days of urban combat would be raising her stress, aggression, fear and all of that.

10. Survives events of Ventilation chamber: S2 E3 18:51 sequence begins

- Survives fight with Sevika - After holding her shot for Vi the first time, Vi blocks her shot the second time and she is denied what she sees as justice (again, just suspend judgement and try to only think of impact on her state of mind)

That, is a tremendous amount of violence and death in a relatively short amount of time. Now, I don't know about you. But to me, that all seems like it may impact a persons behavior and decision making until they have time to heal and to grieve properly.

Conclusion- Mentally and emotionally Caitlyn is totally destroyed having had no time or opportunity to heal from a long series of violent, destabilizing, and immensely traumatic events.

Caitlyn & Jinx-

So the last list was more comprehensive, but we also need to discuss Caitlyn & Jinx. Why? I mean Jinx is what this all boils down to. She's the monster in Caitlyn's mind. She discusses it with Jayce, and we see it when the strike team attacks the arcade and Caitlyn shoots at what she thinks is Jinx in a wide-eyed and manic state. I'm not going to re-list everything but just think about it.

Jinx has almost killed Caitlyn repeatedly, she killed several Enforcers Caitlyn knew as people. She abducted Caitlyn naked from her home. Caitlyn spared her and Jinx killed her mother. Hate Caitlyn, call her every name in the book, label her anything you please. But if you are discussing and acting in good faith, these facts are not in dispute.

Conclusion- Caitlyn is going into this facing down someone she is very likely terrified of, and hates with all of her heart.

Caitlyn & Vi-

As you correctly point out Caitlyn and Vi are romantically linked and working together in their pursuit of Jinx. However, there is some helpful context when analyzing this situation I think should be considered:

Jinx is Vi's little sister.

Caitlyn had Jinx at gun point and did not fire because Vi begged her. Then Jinx killed her mother.

Caitlyn asked Vi to wear the enforcer badge being honest about her fear, and Vi said yes willingly. But the Enforcers still killed Vi's parents.

Before their first kiss that you mention, we see Caitlyn being uncharacteristically aggressive with an unarmed Heenot. It is bad enough to the point that Vi takes her aside and after asking to dismiss the other team members, tearfully asks Caitlyn to promise she won't change.

Vi tells to Caitlyn she is ready for it all to end, and tells Caitlyn to take the shot if she gets the chance.

Conclusion- Caitlyn and Vi go after Jinx with the both of them knowing Vi begged Caitlyn to show mercy and now Caitlyn's mother is dead, and that Vi is wearing the badge of her parents killers to try and make things right. Caitlyn is clearly losing herself to the violence and anger of everything going on, and before the confrontation Vi tells Caitlyn she knows it has to end. Not exactly simple or casual.

The Incident Itself:

So the fight goes down, and as you said it eventually comes down to Caitlyn demanding that Vi move while Vi refused to do so due to the danger to Isha. You do make a point of mentioning the shooter (Caitlyn) not being in the best mental state (which I think we have established is like saying its a tad windy in the middle of a tornado), and then we move to the aftermath where it goes down like you describe:

Caitlyn is upset with Vi for blocking the shot

Vi insists she shouldn't have had to stop Caitlyn due to the danger to the child

Caitlyn states that she thought Vi was different but she isn't. "It's her blood in your veins":

Stopping here for a moment. This was not a statement of prejudice against Zaun. She is comparing Vi to Jinx, not all of the Undercity. I can back this up with the following points:

The entire quote (S2 E3 begins 10:47) "I keep telling myself that you're different. But you're not. It's her blood in your veins".

This is quite clearly one continuing statement from Caitlyn. She specifically compares Vi to Jinx. Not to Zaunites or anyone else. Just Jinx.

Vi then responds (S2 E3 10:39) "Then why are you the one acting like her?".

This entire thing is all centered around Jinx in the dialogue and obviously linked narratively. It isn't about Zaunites in general.

4. I covered Vi's response above so from there, Vi grabs Caitlyn as she is leaving, shifts her grip to a less aggressive place, then after several seconds Caitlyn hits her.

5. Caitlyn shows clear regret before leaving:

Overall conclusion for the incident itself:

As I said, this is the overall picture you give of this incident with the amount of context and detail you included:

A happy couple working together to catch Jinx get into a fight with Jinx and Sevika. Vi stops Caitlyn from shooting because it endangered a kid. So Caitlyn insults Vi, shows anti-zaun prejudice, then assaults Vi for no reason.

But when you actually take the entire picture into account, this wildly differs from the actual events of the show.

Caitlyn is dealing with ENORMOUS amount of unresolved trauma

Jinx is the central focus of Caitlyn's rage and fear

Vi and Caitlyn care for each-other deeply, but between them is:

A- Vi being Jinx's older sister B- Vi begged Caitlyn for Jinx's life and Jinx killed Caitlyn's mother C- Enforcers killed Vi's parents and Caitlyn asked her to put on the badge D- Their first kiss is in the wake of Vi being afraid of how Caitlyn is changing from all of the violence and death around them

Caitlyn is clearly out of control when Vi is trying to stop her from shooting-

A- Caitlyn fires twice with Vi in the way even striking her gauntlet once B- Caitlyn just keeps saying the same thing over and over "Move.. She's not getting away again!"

As far as the dialogue only goes they both say something terrible in the aftermath-

A- Caitlyn tells Vi she is no different than Jinx. Knowing the guilt and horror Vi feels over what her sister has become. The guilt over Caitlyn's mother. And that Vi put on the badge to follow her on this mission. B- Vi tells Caitlyn she is acting like Jinx. Knowing full well Jinx almost killed Caitlyn repeatedly. Abducted her. And killed her mother

Not that it excuses or makes it okay. But Caitlyn shows clear remorse after hitting Vi.

Wrap Up:

Please understand, this is not about saying it was okay for Caitlyn to hit Vi. Far from. But as I said in response to that first post, we can't even get to that because of situations like this. The unfortunately simplistic version of events you provided completely misrepresents what actually occurred. It isn't about justification. Caitlyn hitting Vi cannot be justified. But it is about proper understanding based on what actually occurred. And not excluding or simplifying things to serve the purpose of demonizing her beyond what is reasonable. Let's take a look at your wrap up points-

1. Recap that they were on good terms and kissed before the fight Caitlyn growing steadily more angry and violent while dynamic between she and Vi was extremely complex 2. "The Violence had already wound down"- You elaborate on Jinx and friends already being gone and that it was no longer life or death. True the fight was over. But Caitlyn was still operating at a ten emotionally and mentally, it takes time for you to come down from that state.

3. You make a point showing Vi wasn't going to hit Caitlyn, elaborating that it was not a fight, but assault

Totally agree, not sure where this is coming from, I guess some people have suggested it or something?

4. "The show never acknowledges this"

Just because you don't consider it enough doesn't mean it didn't happen 5. "Caitlyn never apologizes for hitting Vi or leaving her. They just move straight to sex"

Caitlyn makes amends repeatedly through her deeds rather than her words:

Helps to save Vander

When Vi is wounded and Jinx is exposed she doesn't even look at Jinx, runs to save Vi instead

Keeps Jinx in the bunker rather than Stillwater, and holds off on any judgement until Vi is awake even though she could have taken her revenge and no one in Piltover would have cared

Moves the guards away so Vi can free Jinx if she chooses. Even knowing Vi may leave and Caitlyn would never see her again

*VI initiated their sex scene. Caitlyn even interrupted to make sure she was honest about Maddie*

Your last line asks the following question: "You see why this leaves a bad impression?"

My answer is yes. But it is one born of a gross over-simplification of the events leading to this moment and exclusion of anything challenging the clear anti-Caitlyn bias in your writing.

Comparing Season One Caitlyn Against Season Two

Alrighty last one I promise. So this whole post comparing your feelings about Caitlyn in season 1 to season 2. Fairly cut and dry in terms of concept. Lets look at some things you acknowledge about Caitlyn in season 1:

"Shes genuine. I never once doubted in season 1 that she had good intentions"

"She believed in justice and was ignorant to the system that pushes her family forward while pushing others down and when she's confronted with this she's defensive about it"

"Her arc is learning about the oppression the system Piltover installed was bad and wanted change to help those in the undercity"

You then acknowledge her arc did not complete in season one and that you and many others expectation was to see she and Vi forge a new path for Piltover. So lets look at your observations regarding Caitlyn in season two:

"Caitlyn looses her mom and bam, facism and dictatorship!"

"We can't let the privileged girl face consequences!"

"Grief is not an excuse for what she did"

"She gassed and used nuclear warfare against the defenseless in Zaun"

"What she and Jinx did were two different things" you clarify below:

- "Jinx did what she did because of the oppression of Topside. Everything happened because of the class problems of Piltover" - "But Caitlyn? Yes loosing a parent figure is bad, but Caitlyn proved that those were anti topside: Jinx, Sevika, and Silco were right. The police brutality, the abuse of power, the gassing the city, everything".

6. "She gets no consequences. No, her loosing an eye wasn't a consequence for her becoming a dictator. That happened because she betrayed Ambessa. And even if it was, loosing an eye is not equal to what she did. Caitlyn got to walk away scot free. She got to go back to her mansion with Vi"

Response:

Okay, first off lets get this clarified. What you observed about the hard swing in Caitlyn's trajectory was correct. It was also the point. We already listed the long list of things that happen to Caitlyn piling up higher and higher that lead to her breaking point. Then this happens. So yes, her season two arc swings hard from what we were expecting. I suspect if you were almost murdered repeatedly, abducted, spared the woman who did those things and then watched her kill your mother you might also have some chaotic emotions and mental health for a while.

Now to keep things simple lets just go point by point, so my number 1 corresponds with your number 1 regarding season 2. Pretty simple.

1. Well as we have stated now in full and fleshed out detail there is immensely more to it than losing her mother. You make no mention of the manipulations and actions of Ambessa Medarda in Caitlyn's arc but I'm not detailing all of that. This is already too long. I'll link those docs at the end should you want to read them. It should also be noted Caitlyn is neither a fascist or a dictator. The elite of Piltover agree to declare Martial Law, and they agree to Caitlyn as commander. We can do the whole technical definition of both if you really need me to but I don't think that's needed right now. 2. Caitlyn faces a variety of consequences but you repeat yourself so I'll say more for number 6

3. Agreed. Grief is no excuse. As we have now shown conclusively, it goes so far beyond just grief. But also as we have discussed it is not about excusing anything. It is about understanding. And there can be no understanding as long as we are unwilling to look at her story honestly.

4. Regarding the nuclear warfare comment I apologize. I'm not meaning to be rude, but I have absolutely no clue what you are referencing and therefore cannot give that a thorough response. Regarding the gas, no she didn't. They used The Grey targeting the chem-barons and their soldiers. This was confirmed by Amanda Overton (who I know many of you disregard, but she was one of the creators like it or not), and there is no evidence to the contrary. This does include clearing the area of civilians to keep them out of the fighting. While it is true anything gas based cannot be absolutely contained, there is a tremendous difference between being specific and controlled in their use, versus just letting it loose all over. The imagery showing people running in the streets is from two sources: A- Cassandra Kiramman's files when Caitlyn is learning about The Grey: It's clearly old, with a faded old parchment sort of look to it. The building and the clothes are all different as well. B- The hellfire video- Let's actually look at this:

"We used The Grey to clear the streets! To keep people safe!"

Sound familiar? That's what Vi tells Jinx. You may notice those people are up, and running. They aren't on their backs choking. They are hunting armed criminals with access to Shimmer, and a terrorist who likes to blow things up. Clearing the area seems prudent.

And in case you have seen any of those posts regarding the "scenes they deleted to make Caitlyn look better" Hellfire isn't a pro-Caitlyn propaganda moment in the show. They aren't glamorizing her here. Look at some of the lyrics:

Can I do the right thing for the wrong reason? Is it bad that I'm making friends with my demons, and Living by a couple deadly sins Just to make sure I finish what you began

Does it seem like they are portraying this as a good thing? No. This whole sequence is Caitlyn losing herself. Giving in more to her rage and her pain and surrendering her values in the pursuit of "justice". But lying and exaggerating don't help anything. They only divert attention away from the true meaning of the narrative.

And before we move on lets just get this out of the way. There is no evidence that short term exposure to The Grey harms anyone long term. While there is an abundance of evidence to suggest it does not. We can speculate til the cows come home about what might happen. But at the end of the day this is fiction, and The Grey does not exist. What's accurate is what we are shown is accurate.

5. Well as we have discussed repeatedly Caitlyn's motivations are immensely more complicated and involved than grief over her mother.

Regarding Jinx, this is it's own topic and one I've written on fairly recently. I'll link that here as well. But let's take a quick look here at her actions regardless of motivation:

Lit a building on fire, lured in several enforcers including Caitlyn using a fake child's voice and then blew it up to steal hex tech. Killed everyone but Caitlyn.

Killed countless Firelights.

Attacked the bridge killing several people (Marcus and clearly proven corrupt Enforcers no big loss) but then attacked and actively tried to kill Caitlyn and Vi.

Blew herself up and almost killed Ekko after he stopped fighting

Abducted Caitlyn nude from her home, dressed her in her Enforcer uniform, held her close to a day.

Bound and gagged Caitlyn and made her listen while Jinx tried to convince Vi to murder her.

After Caitlyn spared her life, Jinx knocked her out. She then proceeded to kill Caitlyn's mother, two other councilors, main 2 more, injure at least Viktor and I'm sure other's we don't see, and destroy the chamber. The fall out of this attack opens the door for Piltover retaliation bringing it down on Zaun.

Unleashes The Grey all over Piltover.

If you want to give Jinx a free pass for all of that because of Piltover, I'm afraid you and I cannot agree.

Regarding proving Silco and Sevika right. These supposed champions of Zaun:

Directly and intentionally killed Vander, Grayson and Benzo

Caused the deaths of Mylo and Claggor by taking Vander

Tried to kill Vi

Silco was quite possibly about to kill Powder before she hugged him

They unleash Shimmer on their people. A proven dangerous, addictive drug that mutates its users and can turn them into monsters.

"anti-topside" Silco pays corrupt top-side cops to hunt and kill Firelights for opposing him

Regarding Silco: He promised Jinx and Vi's mother to make a safer Zaun for the then unborn Vi. He tried to kill Vi on the steps of Felicia and Conal's dilapidated home, using destitute Zaunites hooked on the drug he flooded the lanes with.

Regarding Sevika: She knew those kids the entire time they were with Vander. As stated, she plays a part in Vander's death leading to the deaths of Mylo and Claggor, tries to kill Vi repeatedly, and even though she helped orphan Jinx the second time she clearly and intentionally messes with her head in hopes Silco will cast Jinx out.

6. Regarding formal consequences, such as the law or something. As stated Martial Law and by extension Caitlyn was all agreed to by the Piltover elite and totally lawful within the bounds of this universe. Caitlyn's actions didn't actually violate real-world standards either (I've checked) but it's important to remember this isn't the real world. She can't be held to account for violating the Geneva convention in a world with no Geneva.

Regarding consequences in the story she absolutely did. We only see her for a brief moment after defeating Ambessa but her injuries were horrendous. With her power and resources, Caitlyn could have fled if she chose. No one could make her fight. Instead she fought on the front line and faced Ambessa, and sacrificed her eye, and almost her life. And that is to say nothing of the immense mental/emotional trauma of everything that has occurred.

If you aren't counting any of that because she chose to take that risk, I'll say this.

How did we reach the point where someone subjecting themselves to harm to make things right, isn't as righteous as watching them be forced to? It sounds to me like you loved Caitlyn as long as she wasn't affected by anything she went through.

WRAP UP:

This is insanely long. I do apologize for that but I knew it was going to be going in. Responding to multiple posts in one just comes out that way. I totally understand if you just TLDR and move on with your life. But if you do respond , I look forward to your thoughts.

Below as promised I will link my docs reference to the manipulations of Ambessa Medarda and Maddie Nolan on Caitlyn, as well as my recent post regarding Jinx and her motivations. Thank you.

Ambessa Medarda's Manipulation & Control

Maddie Nolan's Manipulation & Control

Jinx was never fighting her oppressor

[prettyboykatsuki]

I know you've mentioned you dislike for light(which I am sooo for I hate him) but can I ask how death note as a series influenced you with characterization? Same with haikyuu I love it sm

i know death note and haikyuu are polar opposites in series content but in my opinion, they both do a really good job in handling the cause and effect of character interaction and demonstrating the influence of a chain events on both a characters mindset and their actions.

in death note, you spend most of the series listening the lights monologue - but you don't really get to see whats wrong with his ideology until L comes in the picture and consistently challenges lights ideas, intelligence, and demeanor. lights paranoia increases with each push and pull of their relationship - and it's explicitly because light and L understand each other. they're probably the only people in the world who knows the other so intimately and there's legitimacy to their relationship that unifies them that even light cannot completely ignore.

the complexity of L's death is largely responsible for lights spiral out as a character. on the roof top scene just before L dies, he confronts light head on for the first time. aware of both his betrayal and circumstances, and their participation in this cat and mouse game. ultimately, L hears the bell toll. in the end, light is unable to tell L the truth even up to his death

but their connection, their bond is undeniable. when L dies, even at the peak of ligths god complex - he is no longer a version of himself that is able to keep up with kira. they needed each other. without the threat and challenge of L in lights life - he was unable to carry out his work. they became crucial, integral to each other, over the course of the series.

the way death note goes about building, developing, and executing this relationship is brilliant. light, on paper, is a genius with a perfect life. so extraordinarily intelligent in his own right that becoming god of the new world felt truly feasible to him because he viewed all people as somehow beneath him.

but l comes into his life and challenges him. rouses him. forces him to outsmart him all the time. they truly, deeply, and sincerely understood each other under the layers and layers of circumstances - so much so that it makes you wonder how their lives would've been had they had a relationship from the start.

death note mostly influenced how i handled a character dialogue and conversation. how do people interact with each other? how are actions interlocked with a characters word choice? for what reasons would a characters internal monologue be incongruent with their behavior and how does this effect the relationship? what does it say? what things are they choosing to lie about etc

this is already very long so ill try to keep the haikyuu section shorter - but haikyuu is easily the most formative piece of media in my life and teen years and i think it accomplishes similar feats with its characterization.

the story relies primarily on character interaction in a way that feels very similar to me. there's no supernatural elements, no magic to demonstrate the efforts of the characters. reaching new heights is something that is done alongside another person. growth and develop and practice on your own can only take you so far. you are most influenced by who you are around. this is a common theme in sports manga but no manga does it as good as haikyuu

anyways. sorry for this ramble. these series r both super dear to me.

[xanofmercia]

Not a huge fan of some of the later notes roasting this. Of course what you choose to do with your own body is valid, and people trying to shame you into a different choice, however well-intentioned, are not doing a good thing. You’re expressing concerns or stating your choice for yourself and you don’t deserve to be made fun of just for that.

That said, draconym is right that you can still be yourself, The Real You, on pills! I can’t speak for all meds, but I’ve never had a problem with the “regressing because meds ran out” with ADHD meds. I’ve ran out for reasons mentioned in the previous reblogs. With ADHD meds, I did actually worry a lot about losing myself or my chaos while on them, or not being able to be as creative, or becoming some kind of more boring version of myself. Luckily that didn’t happen! I’m literally me with the only difference being that I feel like I have more energy and I can actually just decide to do things sometimes instead of spending hours psyching myself up to do them. There’s not really any other difference. The ‘versions’ of me are the same. And the ones I take aren’t actually supposed to be taken every day; you’re supposed to avoid doing them too often so you don’t build up a tolerance. I only take them when I feel like I could use the boost. Running out sucks because I can’t get a focus/executive energy boost when I need it, but I don’t “regress” back into a previous version of myself. It’s not a huge comedown or massive drop between my normal state when I have them versus when I’ve run out.

Depression’s a bit different because withdrawal can give you brain-zaps which scared me when they first happened, and stopping too quickly can cause some bad side effects, which has happened to me a fair amount because pharmacies and medication in my country are terrible. If that’s a serious concern for you, depending on the medication it could actually make sense to decide you don’t want to have to deal with things like withdrawal symptoms if you forget and miss a few days, or having to always remember to get to the pharmacy on time. I did also get concerned about taking this one because I heard it could level out your moods a lot so you couldn’t feel as happy as you did before. But I didn’t really feel like it made a significant enough impact on that front for me to stop taking it.

I know people who dislike the idea of manufactured chemicals altering things in their brains. It doesn’t matter if that’s rational or logical or not; it is what it is. You don’t *have* to take meds. You don’t *have* to do anything you don’t want to.

But it’s always good to have more information about important decisions like this, regardless of your ideas or reasons. You’re welcome to talk to me, or you can check out some forum testimonials or do some research on specific disorders and their treatments and the effects people experience with each. This isn’t intended as pressure to change your mind or anything; you’re absolutely free to do whatever you want with the information. It’s just better the more information you have, no matter how much you already know. And if not going on meds is definitely the best decision for you, then that’s also valid! Either way, it won’t hurt to have more information about them.

90s movies: Psychopharmacology is as good as a lobotomy. If you take pills to treat your mental illness it will literally murder your imaginary friends and you will become a boring, lotus-eating conformist drone.

Me after taking my meds: drives the scenic route home to see if there are any geese on the pond and does a little dance in line at the grocery store and comes home to throw everything​ in my fridge into a stew pot because I can finally taste food again while singing songs at my birds in which I replace all the instances of "she" with "Cheese" and doing a Dolly Parton impression on the phone to my sister

[planetception]

Toxic Sneaky Link Paige Headcannons

warnings: toxic!paige, unbalanced character dynamics, major gaslighting coming from paige, slight manipulation, mentions of sexual activity

a/n: well this is gonna be an interesting headcannon, but i've been obsessed with the idea of paige being a toxic hookup... i mean i highly doubt she would be but like it's all fiction right? anyways enjoy i suppose...

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༊*·˚ starting off, you two met at ted's which is a bar that most of the uconn girlies go to. and ofc you two ended up hooking up, paige wasn't the type to stick to one girl but there was just something about you that enticed her

༊*·˚ what was only supposed to be a one time thing became a multiple time thing, paige would hit you up on either snap or instagram asking if you would like to come over. it would be after games or after practice, usually when they lost or didn't play good

༊*·˚ the way she would fuck would be based off her mood at the time. usually you never got to see the soft side as she would argue with you before ripping your clothes off and dragging you to the bedroom with her

༊*·˚ she would treat you like shit in the bedroom. grabbing at you so tightly bruises would form. biting as hard as she could, sometimes even causing you to bleed

༊*·˚ after the fact thought she would apologize and tell you that she just had a bad day and needed a way to release her anger

༊*·˚ she expects you to always come at her call and doesn't know how to take no for an answer (except when you don't wanna have sex, she won't force you as she has other girls)

༊*·˚ everytime you would try to end it with her, siting her manipulative and toxic behavior. she would swear she would change, and she would but only for a bit until she lashes out again

༊*·˚ paige had a way with words however. when she would apologize she would be so sweet, taking you to bed and treating you like royalty by worshipping you. she would whisper apologies into your ears. however it doesn't last long

༊*·˚ she didn't want commitment, she would argue with you when she would come over, argue with you over the phone, text. you name it. however she would hate it when you hooked up with someone else's someone that wasn't her and that made her angry and upset

༊*·˚ she was a major red flag but unfortunately you just kept coming back to her because of how good she was in the bedroom. no matter how much she manipulated and gaslighted you, you just kept coming back and she loved that about you. it felt like she could do whatever she wanted.

༊*·˚ you were like a drug to her, something that just felt real. but she couldn't commit to you, no matter how much she just wanted to tell you how she truly felt. so she treated you like shit in hopes that you would be serious and end it

༊*·˚ but you both knew that nothing was ever gonna change and you two we would be stuck in this toxic cycle of hooking up and arguing

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um i really do not know what my direction was going for this... but like i've had this idea for a while and i really do not know if i executed this on the right way um like i hope you guys enjoy this and as always my inbox is open for requests or just to talk to. feedback is also appreciated. thank you :)

[realtapiocafan]

https://www.tumblr.com/realtapiocafan/776988759562633216/it-fucks-me-up-genuinely-how-you-wrote-how-justin

continuing this train of thought you can see in ja'marrs vids hes drunk as hell and probably high as fuck too and soooo pliant tactile flirty with literally everybody who crosses his path that face he did when zipping up his sweatsuit!! ridiculous!!! so the idea of him getting extra close to the trio to hear them better because his executive function is not really 100% and slyly grinning up at them looking up through his lashes tucking closer when they automatically reach for him hell pressing his cheeks or lips to their cheeks when he accepts their gifts etc etc and then you have the trio just. dying. crush skyrocketing no coming down and theres justin also equally drunk as hell and way too flirty for his own good but hes got a higher threshold than ja'marr for some reason despite being slighter and always takes shameless advantage of him being this way and just tugs him around all over the place and if we bring this around to joe who escaped all the hustle of ja'marrs bday bash in a condo they own in ny together maybe and jjmarr invites the trio to crash there bc its closer than their hotel and the 2023 trio sees how insanely domestic the 2019 trio are and slowly starts to tickle their brain that. oh. theyre together together and them promptly start blushing and struggling to look at each other because. oh. they didnt know that could be a thing. oh.

oh my goodness, anon, your brain 🤯

ja'marr IS a touchy-feely drunk, that is 1000% canon. his love language is physical touch (honest to god i think all of the lsu 2019 trio's love languages is physical touch -joe's just weird and prefers a slightly more violent version than justin and ja'marr <3) so ofc when all of his inhibitions are lowered, he just wants to express all of his love and make sure everyone is solid and safe and there.

meanwhile, 2023 lsu trio is crashing tf out. like they are the definition of 'head empty no thoughts' as ja'marr sees the very Thoughtful and very Meaningful gift that they got him and is just ooh-ing and aah-ing over it and getting so close to them as he thanks them and pulls them in close for the hug and looking up through his lashes and biting his lips (he's flirty in a sober state, do not underestimate how a drunk ja'marr behaves) and DO NOT FUCKING THINK I MISSED THAT KISS PART ANON OMG. ja'marr placing one of those big hands against their cheeks and leaning in (esp since jayden and brian are taller so ja'marr would have to go on his TOES) and they can't fucking believe it, their brains are NOT functioning and he's pressing a messy kiss -ARGH!!!!

how i'd imagine their thought process would go: omfg that's ja'marr chase sharing the same breathing space as me, i can see ja'marr chase's eyelashes, how is this real life omfg -WAIT HIS LIPS ARE ON MY CHEEK!!!

and it is also 1000% canon that justin has a higher alcohol tolerance than ja'marr, thank you very much, and takes full fucking advantage of it, because as stated before, ja'marr is even more touchy when he's drunk and justin's only human, he also enjoys having a ja'marr cling onto him. and justin's absolutely finding the whole 2023 lsu crush on ja'marr hilarious! he's totally snapping pictures and sending them to joe as ja'marr goes on his tippy toes to kiss jayden on the cheek and jayden can smell the tequila (bc i will never ever letting go of my bodyshot-)

wait actually, i CAN insert my bodyshot headcanon in this. ja'marr and justin, hanging off each other, and one of them suggests it and before you know it they're doing shots off each other and licking the salt off each other's necks and just stupidly grinning at each other because even after all this time -it's still them. (and jayden and malik and brian watching with eyes wide, halfway between 'omfg that's so fucking hot' and '😭😭😭🫵 that should be us!')

then as the party dies down and ja'marr turns around (bc they are his three little duckings, his little shadows, latched onto him the second he gave Affection to them <3) and 2023 lsu is just like 😔😔😔 ig we have to leave now. they look like the SADDEST humans you would ever see bc this was a night for their fucking lives. ja'marr liking their present? ja'marr hugging them? ja'marr KISSING them? they'd replay this night over and over again!

and ja'marr, who is a worrier at heart (thinking specifically of him getting tee to his massage therapist here) immediately vetos them getting an uber (athletes still get ubers right?) and invites them to stay over and it's 'head empty no thoughts' pt 2

(justin grinning ear to ear, so amused by ja'marr's protectiveness)

AND THEN A SECRET CONDO IN NY!!! YES! YESSSS

i really like carmen's idea (idk if you saw this anon) about joemarr spending the night BEFORE ja'marr's birthday tgt, bc let's be honest -parties are just not joe's scene. so yes! joemarrjj DO spend the night before ja'marr's birthday and have their own little celebrations (joejj waking up ja'marr with the sweetest kiss oughhhh). maybe they even spend some time during the day, before jjmarr head off to ja'marr's party!

i LOVE the idea of this secret condo being bought by joe after he signed his contract (and justin buys another place in PARIS last year and now they're just waiting for ja'marr's contract so he can buy a place for all of them too <3).

anyways, joe answers the door, probably all sleepy in his pajamas, bedhair sticking everywhere, voice scratchy from sleep (it's probably like. 4AM). and at first, 2023 lsu is like ??? (ja'marr's actual invitation was like 'come back to MY place' bc ofc it is) so they're a lil confused of why joe fucking burrow is here at ja'marr's place... but he might be here to wish ja'marr a happy birthday too?

but then they watch as joe gets the spare sheets from the closet and justin tells them where the toilet is bc out of the three of them, i personally think he'd be the 'do not fucking throw up on my carpets' person and they're even more confused but also drunk af and not really capable of executive thought.

the following morning, 2023 lsu come out of the bedroom (hungover ofc) with joe cooking some eggs or something with ja'marr glued to the back (and joe is moving around the kitchen comfortably like he's been there a million times -bc he has). justin is making coffee and gently teasing ja'marr over the amount of sugar and cream he puts in his coffee and ja'marr immediately grabs onto justin, wrapping himself around and tucking his head and whining. turns out he did have a lil bit of self-control last night but now he's not in public anymore and it's just them three (and the 2023 lsu) so ja'marr is freeeee to cuddle to his heart's content.

it takes a while, bc they're all hungover and their brains are moving slowly but it finally does click after ja'marr kisses both justin and joe in thanks for the post-birthday breakfast and it's like. oh. oooohhhh.

and yes, anon they did NOT think this was even an option and their minds have been opened and they're just like. wow. wowwww.

[pinazee]

It sounds like theres some interest in rerunning/rebooting one of the old starkid shows!

So out of curiosity,

[buckydeservesthebest]

Yeah, I understand the huge confusion and inconsistency within the script itself. If there are already a lot of plot holes within the plot itself, now in the story of Bucky who no Marvel executive is really fond of… 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

I agree that perhaps more than remembering the faces of all the people he was forced to kill, Bucky most likely remembered the Starks *after* watching the tape and *not* before. It is curious because it is clear that the VHS tape has no recorded sound, we don't hear the car crash nor the WS motorcycle, so that just means that what we are hearing is a flashback that Bucky is having right at that moment. I think this may be associative memory, that is, memories that manifest once an external stimulus related to that event is experienced.

Being honest, the first time I watched CW, before even thinking about whether Bucky actually remembered all the people he was forced to kill or not, I always thought that the line “I remember all of them” came more from guilt over the fact that Bucky knew he was used to hurt a lot of people, and not so much from the fact that he actually remembers all of that as such...

By the way, I find it interesting that the voices of the Starks sound like a recording, maybe it is to give the idea that we are hearing them from the tape, but again, the tape does NOT record sounds, so we can only conclude that we are watching a flashback of Bucky. Does it mean that this is how the WS hears and perceives everything? With an undercurrent of static? It's interesting because Shuri also describes the mind control Bucky was subjected to as a kind of static in the hemispheres of his brain. So this further reinforces the idea that not only did Bucky not exist as the Winter Soldier, but that the WS was all the while in a state of near unconsciousness all the time, or rather the little consciousness a person has while sleeping in REM sleep...

As you rightly say, it is somewhat complicated to say what the Winter Soldier can remember (or is allowed to remember) and what he cannot. Just as he couldn't remember Steve from his first mission in the Fury assassination, nor Natasha, Sam, etc. But he does retain memory of, for example, some skills he learned as the Winter Soldier, such as the Russian language, handling certain weapons, etc.

Well… studying a neuroscience course recently (thanks to Bucky) gave me a little insight into certain interesting things, for example like the fact that according to The Wakanda Files, Shuri says that the Winter Soldier's program is a REM sleep trance, a sort of sleepwalking in which the Winter Soldier experiences REM sleep while awake. That is, once the mind control is in use, the Winter Soldier has the brain activity of a person having REM sleep. And interestingly, this mental state is the most efficient for the brain to store and apprehend information. So if we take into consideration that Bucky would never have cooperated with Hydra to be trained as one of their agents, all the WS training would have to have occurred only when the mind control was already taken over by the WS, i.e., in the REM sleep trance. Meaning that the Winter Soldier learned in an analogous way that people who wear headphones while sleeping learn X information (such as a language), in a state not conscious but unconscious.

Interestingly, the amnesia that Bucky suffers from, anterograde, dissociative (produced by a mental health related cause, and can be triggered by traumatic events, abuse and other serious sources of psychological distress) and neurological (caused by brain damage), does not usually affect procedural memory (information about motor and executive skills), just as a person with global amnesia does not necessarily forget how to ride a bicycle. Or for example in the case of dissociative amnesia of someone who had an accident in an elevator, they forget the accident itself but do not forget to watch out for elevators.

Bucky's situation with the ETC that caused extensive brain damage, and C-PTSD, makes it really complex to be able to say precisely when he can remember something and when he cannot…

So my theory is that I totally share the idea that the Winter Soldier retains no memory other than procedural memory (that of motor and executive skills, which functions more at an unconscious level compared to the other types of memory), and not any episodic memory. That's why I believe that if he couldn't remember Steve from a previous mission, in which there were no intermediate ETC sessions, there would be no way he could remember the other WS.

I wouldn't necessarily say that the Winter Soldier remembers the period between missions as such, but rather that recognizing the whole process of being subjected to ETC is more muscle memory than anything else, and part of the programming that forces him to obey whatever his handler orders him to do.

My theory is that the Winter Soldier only follows the orders of whoever uttered the code words, just as in CW we saw him follow orders only from Karpov and not from any other Hydra agent, or just as Pierce was the only one seen giving him orders. as well as Zemo.

I think there is a reference to this in TFATWS when Zemo told Selbie that he would give her the code to control Bucky and he would do anything she wants (please, let's ignore for a moment the disgusting backstory of what that could have meant... ughh). I think if it was known that the Winter Soldier only serves Hydra, there would have been a mention that no one but a Hydra agent could make use of him.

(Yes, I'm fully aware that Spellman is totally ignorant of Bucky's history, I mean, he himself admitted that he only watched CW and EG to write the TFATWS script. But unfortunately, all the change to the known canon of Bucky, like the fact that WS wasn't active until the 1960s, so that it's now since 1951, now exists, and unfortunately we can't change it...)

Personally I do consider the tie-in books canonical, because they are all written by members of the production itself, and many times they explain certain concepts or ideas that were part of the movies or TV shows, but which we didn't realize (for example, Bucky's restraint chair in CW was constantly electrocuting him to prevent him from using his metal arm… horrible… I know…)

Of course I always take into consideration the opinions of the actors because at the end of the day, they are the ones playing the characters, especially Seb who no doubt holds Bucky in high regard. But there have been a couple of occasions where even his opinion has struck me as inconsistent with Bucky as a character, like recently in some of his interviews for Thunderbolts, he has called Bucky “anti-hero” or “antagonist”, when well… this is not true...

So, my real final theory is that Bucky only remembers (maybe not all, but a considerable amount) the faces of the people he was forced to kill as the Winter Soldier, or maybe some other vague details, but not in a lucid way but rather in the same way you remember a dream (or rather a nightmare), as a fuzzy and confused memory. And well, if we remember that all the Winter Soldier's programming is as REM sleep trance state… then I guess this makes sense…

In fact at one time, Seb also made a comment about Bucky's experience being like waking up from a dream…

Or well, if we don't get technical, and take the line “all of them” to mean not literally 'all of them', but everyone (many or few) that Bucky could vaguely remember at the time, then what Seb said wouldn't be technically incorrect either... 😬

“That line was an interesting moment. At the time, the choice I was making is that [Bucky] had realized there was no way he was getting out of there, and someone was gonna die, whether it was gonna be him, Steve or Tony. When he says that line, to me, it was a turning point — he was, like, ‘Okay, I know what you want me to say, and I’m just gonna say it.’ When someone comes at you over and over again, and they can’t hear you, they can’t see you’re pleading with them, you’re trying to figure out how to get through to them and they just won’t accept it, at some point you just give in, and you go, ‘that’s right, that’s what you want.’ Of course [Bucky] didn’t remember them all.” —  Sebastian Stan

[forgetful-river]

My lover's got humor / She's the giggle at a funeral

[crossbackpoke-check]

Dysprosium, Mary Soon Lee

dysprosium, AN 66, is a silvery-white rare earth metal. its name is derived from the greek dysprositos, meaning “hard to get at”, owing to the difficulty in separating and isolating this rare earth element. dysprosium is used to measure neutron flux, to fuel reactors, and to activate phosphors. terfenol-d is a magnetorestrictive alloy, meaning that it changes shape when a magnetic field is applied, and is used to manufacture underwater acoustic systems.

jason “robo” robertson, dallas stars #21 for @simmyfrobby’s nhl periodic table poems <3

[trek-tracks]

Something that I think is interesting about McCoy and Spock's dynamic with each other is that neither of them verbalize their affection, instead preferring to show it via action. The fact that they are simultaneously extremely different and extremely similar, I think, is both the cause of much friction and why that friction is so compelling. It's not just that they're philosophical opposites, it's that, practically, they're often alike with a different veneer or mask. (They probably wouldn't get to each other so much if they didn't recognize this to at least some extent.) Neither of them are much with words that acknowledge their importance to each other; it's Kirk who says, "I need you. Badly!" or "I need him."

In the James Blish novelization of Bread and Circuses, McCoy thinks, "I am very fond of this man," but he says, "I know. I'm worried about Jim too." In The Immunity Syndrome, he can't say "Good luck, Spock" until Spock is out of earshot. Even when he's talking to Kirk, he expresses affection obliquely with lines like "Don't destroy the one named Kirk," and when he's on the verge of death, he expresses his affection to Spock by telling Spock, "You've got a good bedside manner," a nod to McCoy's own caring profession that serves as his highest honour.

While McCoy is driven by emotion, he also relies on it as a mask, just like Spock relies on logic as a mask and excuse for any action he decides to take. We see McCoy take action for Spock again and again at the risk of his own life. He rescues him in The Galileo Seven after fighting with him half the time they're stranded on the planet. He volunteers to die in Immunity Syndrome, and he convinces Kirk to save Spock later at great risk. He risks his own mind and life to save Spock in Spock's Brain. He injects himself with an untested vaccine in Miri for many reasons, one of which being to let Spock get back to the ship. He risks his life to snap Spock back to himself in All Our Yesterdays. He defies thousands of years of Vulcan tradition so Spock won't become a murderer. He holds Spock in By Any Other Name.

He agrees to stay on a doomed spaceship/planet so that Spock won't be executed. He tries to stay with the Platonians because Spock is being humiliated (in fact, many of his nice words about Spock are defending Spock to other people--in The Menagerie to Kirk, in Plato's Stepchildren to the Platonians, in The Omega Glory to the villagers...calling him "the best first officer in the Fleet" when he thinks Spock can't hear (or does he? It would be a great excuse).

And then, of course, there's The Empath, where he allows himself to be tortured to death to prevent Spock from being tortured to insanity--not death, but probably worse than for a Vulcan. Much as Bones says he doesn't understand Vulcan dignity in S2, I think he has a clearer idea in S3, considering how much he risks himself for Spock's mind. I'm not even getting into the movies, but Spock clearly trusts McCoy with his soul, and McCoy clearly proves worthy of that trust--and yet, in the same film, we get the "Jim, be careful" "WE will" exchange, with Spock still withholding the words. It becomes almost a game of tacitly acknowledged chicken by the end of the films, with neither willing to break.

The funny thing is that, while both Spock and McCoy show their regard for each other through actions and not words (and both can be genuinely cruel in words that completely belie their actions), many viewers can see Spock's bluff, but not McCoy's, taking everything the latter says at face value. Perhaps that's because they expect McCoy, being emotional, to mean everything he says and say everything he means. That's pretty obviously not true. (Similarly, a lot of people tend to take Spock's self-aggrandizement and McCoy's self-deprecation at face value, but that's another discussion. There's also the theory that McCoy is reinforcing Spock's preferred Vulcanness by allowing him to push back against his statements.)

McCoy challenges Spock to verbalize his feelings instead of the logic he uses as a mask, and Spock in return challenges McCoy to verbalize the actual feelings he feels, not the ones he's expressing as a mask. But it would be so much less interesting if they both clearly said what they meant, instead of going to increasingly ridiculous lengths to save each other's lives.

This scene is so interesting to me.

We all know Bones accuses Spock multiple times that he isn’t able to love (while knowing it’s not true). Bones and some others around him even accuse him being heartless or unemphatic.

Spock IMMEDIATELY started holding Bones’ hands when he found him when Bones was unconscious. He looks worried and upset. He didn’t know if Bones will die, but even when Kirk came, which was after some time, Spock was still holding Bones’ hands and wasn’t going to let go anytime soon. He doesn’t try to wake him up. Just holds his hands.

It looks like he wanted to make sure that if Bones is dying, he won’t be alone. That he will probably feel that Spock is there.

This gesture is touching, and shows how human Spock is, how much he cares for Bones, didn’t want to leave him alone, didn’t go to search for Kirk. It is very touching.

This scene adds a layer to the scene in Bread & Circuses when Bones accuses Spock of being incapable to have a decent warm feeling, to Spock’s reaction “Really, doctor?”. Because he doesn’t want Bones to die not only because it is logical. Probably Spock hoped that Bones knows it, realizes it.

I wonder if Bones felt at this moment Spock’s grip.

It is interesting how Spock often shows signs of affection to Bones, but Bones still doesn’t acknowledge it. Why does Bones want for Spock to acknowledge his affections verbally? Why his actions are not enough for him?

[unproduciblesmackdown]

laptop trackpad drawing ft. winston quantkid2 billions of course ☔

[walker-lister]

I just have to remind myself sometimes that no matter what anyone else says, the way a piece of media makes me feel and the positive impact it has had on my queer identity is valid, and that tearing myself apart thinking I have to defend it or questioning my own place within queer communities is not at all important when compared to the almost tangible sense of 'rightness' that piece of media helped me to feel about myself.

[crookedghosts]

reading your own fic premise but with all of the nuance taken out of it and also they confess to using chatgpt in the notes.... is a truly out of body experience

[viiinx]

- It's not poorly though out, it's just that just the idea of going against the class divide is revolutionary for Fodlan. Ferdinand cannot even begin to think about education without Edelgard, as outside of his CF he still completely support the idea of nobility.

- Edelgard don't lack empathy, on the contrary. Her whole goal couldn't have happen if it wasn't out of thinking about other lives. As you pointed out, she hasn't been put through inherited disadvantage: the nobility system put her in a position of extreme privilege. If she did not think about other she would have no reasons to dedicate her whole life to destroying it... She might have suffered horrific abuse in the name of the system, but if she was entierely self-centered she would have just focused on fighting her abusers to then enjoy her extremely cushy life. What she did instead is reflect on the terrible trauma she was put through, and realize that because of such system so many other suffered like her. She sacrificed any chance she had at a peaceful life for those people. But to show more direct and personal instance of empathy, you can site the numerous time she is merciful ennemy soldiers or how hard she try to understand Linhardt to the point she finds the absolute perfect position for him for example. Honestly, Edelgard does not struggle with empathy, but rather with social skills. She deeply cares about people but she can pretty terrible at expressing- Basically it’s a matter of execution ( social skills ) not the foundation ( empathy ).

- I agree that Edelgard response to Byleth grief is poor ( however it is to note than a part of the playerbase apparently resonated with her words ). However, it's s not due to a lack of empathy, but rather of just not knowing another way. Edelgard always had to push through despite how horrible was her life was and never had time or someone there to really grieve... Going forward is what helped her, and she's thus trying to help Byleth in the same way since she understandsher grief.

- Edelgard do not disrespect Hubert boundaries. The first part of her support is her explicity respecting one of his boundary:

Edelgard: I see. Then I won't speak of such things again. If it's really what you want, I'll gladly keep you by my side

What she does is the other part of the support is out of concern for Hubert. Hubert tries to bear his countless burdens alone and it isn't healthy at all. Edelgard want Hubert to have her just like she has him. She doesn't want Hubert to face the countless hardships of his life alone.

On a less personal subject, what Hubert is doing is for Edelgard. It's a very normal concern to want to know what is done for your ideal, especially when it's very much implied to be questionable acts. It also happens that those acts can often act directly against Edelgard will, which Ferdinand correctly calls out:

Ferdinand: When you disagree with your leader, you must voice your concerns directly. Otherwise, what is the point? [...] You are sorely misguided! When I believe that Edelgard is making a mistake, I tell her as much. Through discussing the matter, I sometimes find that I was mistaken. To skip that process, to make a decision that is not yours to make...

Some boundaries are healthy and important to have, but it's definitely not the case of all. Edelgard will respect Hubert wish, but she will speak up when there’s some concerns.

- Saying Edelgard is making Ferdinand uncomfortable is just disingenuous. Ferdinand is the one who constantly makes her uncomfortable by making every little thing a competition to an absurd degree when Edelgard is expressively against it... Moreover, despite how disrespectful Ferdinand is ( as you talked about breaking boundaries ), Edelgard take the time to reassure him, praise his qualities and directly tell him just how much she values him.

- Bernadetta support doesn't show a lack of empathy, on the contrary. Even in the first part of the support, she is trying to reassure Bernadetta:

Edelgard: Calm yourself. I have no reason to harm you.

Edelgard: Look, nobody is truly fearless. Even I have things that I'm afraid of.

Is goes as far of sharing one of her own fear despite how scared she is to be vulnerable.

Edelgard being snappy with Bernadetta is a fault, but not one out of lack of empathy. On tge contrary, she even expressively become much better in this regard out of empathy for her. Bernadetta even directly say she is very kind!

Bernadetta: You're really kind. I'm less scared of you than I used to be.

[...]

Edelgard: Before I met you, I was more prone to anger. But now I've changed in that regard. So thank you for that. Oh... I suppose you're not listening.

- [Edit] How are the Church, nobility and crest system minor issues compared to other? Pretty much every characters trauma is linked to it in some way. What are those more important very real issues?

I lied. Put your clothes back on. We're going to talk about how Edelgard is a product of her environment.

Edelgard's motives for change are purely based on her own experiences and what she does want for the commoners is poorly thought through and has no more depth other than "I want them to be our equals" whilst having no planned out steps to actually do anything about it.

It is Ferdinand who makes her realise that commoners require free education to even attempt to be able to attain the same level that the nobles are given on a silver platter.

But of course Edelgard wouldn't think about that, because she doesn't have to. She had grown up Princess of a kingdom with the promise of Emperor at her feet since she was around 10 years old. Even when she wasn't promised Emperor, she was promised a comfortable life. Her education would have been paid for her. Of course she doesn't understand the struggles of commoners, because she has never had to.

Edelgard has been through hell but she has not been put through inherited disadvantage so why would she ever consider what it is like to be raised a commoner????

And so of course, when Edelgard sees the church exploiting and hurting everybody she immediately blames crests and becomes so tunnel visioned on her own experiences to make her stronger, she becomes blind to the other very real and much more important issues happening around her.

Edelgard lacks basic empathy and whether it is just something about her or it comes from the intense trauma she experienced as a child, it makes it impossible for her to relate to commoners and pretty much anyone who has a different lived experience to her. To the point where she even treads all over Hubert's boundaries, and he's the person who is the closest to her at the start of the game and agrees with her and her ideals the most.

This not to say she lacks sympathy, I believe she has a lot of sympathy for people. But she cannot for the life of her put herself in other people's shoes and think about how they are feeling/would feel.

This partially causes her lack of basic respect towards Petra and her racism towards Brigid, holding their freedom over their heads in exchange for Petra risking her life for FIVE YEARS and if she doesn't. Well then. No freedom for Brigid. However, this is also caused by being raised within the Adrestian Empire, especially within the Imperial nobility.

But her lack of empathy extends to her friends. I've mentioned Hubert already but she repeatedly makes Ferdinand uncomfortable, she gets snappy with Bernadetta whenever she's panicking, she outright calls Byleth pathetic for grieving their dead father DESPITE STILL GRIEIVING HER OWN DEAD FAMILY. There are hundreds of instances where Edelgard just simply cannot understand anything from someone else's point of view.

I don't hate Edelgard. I don't think I'm capable of hating any character but I definitely do not like the way she goes about things and treats other characters. She has many many many flaws but I do believe she is a product of her environment. As well as a victim of shitty writing (but that applies to all the characters).